Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Tony was woken up by an alarm that he had never heard in his whole life.

He groaned and after a quick glance at the clock he put his head under the pillow. It had only been seven hours since the Soldier had left, four since he’d gone to bed, and he was pretty sure that he had no meetings today. There should be no alarm today.

He tried to ignore it but when the beeping didn’t stop he groaned. “Jarvis. Make that stop!” The beeping continued but it was toned down a bit.

“Sir, I think you would like to look at that” Jarvis answered and in that moment Tony remembered what that special beeping was for.

When he had first installed Jarvis into his home he had set up an alert for the Soldier. If he was ever caught on tape Jarvis would notify him and start the alarm that was currently making too much noise. When Tony remembered that he finally sat up.

“Show me” he demanded without even bothering to get out of bad and Jarvis pulled up the recording of a street camera.

The Soldier was standing in the middle of the street and he was armed. He blew up a car and then went to rip off the door of said car but he obviously didn’t find what he was looking for. A few seconds later he was collected by some people and they drove away before the police could arrive.

Tony replayed the video several times before he had the thought to ask who was in the car.

“Sir, that is Director Fury’s car” Jarvis told him and wasn’t that just the biggest surprise ever.

Tony had secretly suspected that the Soldier was working for Shield but that didn’t seem to be the case.

“Jarvis, full access to all Shield server. Find out what Fury’s status is and dig as deep as you can to find something about the Soldier.”

The time for respecting the Soldier’s privacy was totally over now. Tony was going to find out who the hell he worked for and then he was most likely getting him out of there. It took only a few minutes before Jarvis presented his findings.

“Sir, Director Fury’s whereabouts are unknown. I could find nothing about the Soldier.”

If no one knew where Fury was then that meant he wanted it that way. Which implied that something fishy was going on with Shield. Tony decided not to think too hard about the fact that the Soldier wasn’t working for Shield.

“Who was the last person Fury had contact to?” Tony asked and a second later the image of Maria Hill flickered over the screen. “Where is she now?”

“On her way to Washington, Sir. Shall I contact her?”

Tony thought about that but in the end he decided against it. Shield would take care of Fury. He had to find out everything he could about the Soldier now.

“Was there no record of the Soldier before this happened?” Tony inquired and started to get dressed.

“No. But I only used video and photos as point of reference.”

Tony tsked. It was time to dig deeper than that. “Search every accessible databank for descriptions of the Soldier. Concentrate on the metal arm, the mask and the leather.”

“Certainly, Sir.”

Tony went to his kitchen to fix himself some breakfast even though it was late in the day. While he waited for his toast he impatiently drummed his finger onto the counter. This was not good. The Soldier had told him that something was going to happen, he had known that something wasn’t right, and Tony could only guess that he meant this.

If this truly was the first time that the Soldier made such a bold appearance in the open then it had to mean that something big was going down; something that would make the secretive nature of the Soldier’s work obsolete.

“Jarvis, I also want you to keep an eye out for anything regarding Fury” Tony mentioned absentmindedly while he buttered his toast.

“I already set up a program for that” Jarvis answered but Tony barely acknowledged it, munching on his toast . His thoughts were still with the Soldier.

If whoever he worked for had kept him secret for the longest time and now shoved him out in the open it had to mean that his work was nearly done. That there would be no use for him anymore.

If that was really the case Tony had to do something. Bring him in, get him away from his handlers. But before he could do that he needed to know who exactly the Soldier was working for. He really hoped that Jarvis would find out more.

In the meantime he tried hard to concentrate on Mark 43 because he suspected that he would need a functioning suit soon enough.

When Jarvis finally announced that he had found something Tony let out a breath of relieve. It had taken so long that he had feared there was nothing to know about the Soldier.

“Show me” Tony demanded and Jarvis brought up everything he had found. It wasn’t much, but what Tony could see was old.

“There is also a large part of the Shield database that I can’t get into. It seems to be separated from the normal Shield server and it is very well hidden. I doubt anyone who didn’t look would find it.”

“Start finding a way in” Tony ordered and concentrated on the things Jarvis had found. Jarvis had started with the description but after he had found a few reports he had enlarged his parameters.

The oldest reports were only listed because they all had one thing in common: soviet slug, no rifling.

Tony quickly scanned over the reports and he counted over 24 deaths. They all were expertly executed, next to no collateral damage, and no one ever really saw the person who did it.

One report in particular caught Tony’s eye because the acting agent there had been Natasha Romanoff. Tony examined that one a bit closer and there he read the name Winter Soldier for the first time.

It appeared in some other reports but when Tony let Jarvis search for that name nothing trustworthy came up. It seemed like a ghost story.

Tony spend the rest of the day with his research, letting Jarvis run different parameters through the databases but there was nothing more to be found. It really seemed like the Winter Soldier was a ghost story but since Tony knew better than that he kept going.

Late in the night Jarvis suddenly announced “Sir, Director Fury’s file was just marked with KIA.”

“Shit” Tony breathed. “Was it him?”

“There is no report.”

Fuck. “Run a facial recognition program on the Soldier” Tony demanded and felt a bit bad. He had stayed out of the Soldier’s personal life for so long but now it seemed like that time was over. He needed to know who he was to find out who he worked for. To get him out of this mess.

It did occur to Tony that maybe he shouldn’t do this to keep the Soldier safe but to bring him in, get him to take responsibility for what he had done, but he disregarded that thought as soon as it came to him. All Tony could think of was to get him away from Shield so that they couldn’t hurt him.

“Sir, due to the mask, not enough pointers could be set. The facial recognition failed.”

Tony clicked his tongue. He couldn’t do anything like this. He had always thought that the eyes of the Soldier somehow seemed familiar but if it was true that he had met him when he was just two then maybe he remembered that. Either way it wouldn’t help him to find out who the Soldier really was, not with the little information he had.

Tony stayed the rest of the night in the workshop, trying to find more, and when his vision started to blur he got himself some coffee. He worked until he was sure that there was nothing more to find out about the Soldier because it turned out that he really was a ghost who barely left a trail. Tony had stared at the reports when the alarm went off again.

“Sir!” Jarvis exclaimed and he sounded urgent.

“Show me” Tony immediately replied and there he was.

On a bridge in the middle of traffic and just hoping off a car. Tony watched in shock as the Soldier took a grenade launcher and fired it at someone that looked suspiciously like Steve.

“Jarvis. Is that Cap?”

“Yes, Sir, it is. Agent Romanoff is there as well.”

“I thought they were on a mission and not here. Why did no one tell me that?”

Jarvis stayed silent at that and Tony cursed. He knew he should immediately get his suit and fly over to help Cap but he was glued to the screen.

Tony was fascinated by the way the Soldier fought and it was the first time he saw the arm in action and it was beautiful. Also deadly and it should probably terrify Tony what the Soldier was capable of but he wasn’t.

He closely watched the fight between Steve and the Soldier and they were evenly matched even though Steve didn’t hold back and wasn’t that interesting. The fight came to a stop when the Soldier lost the mask and Tony could see how Steve froze on the spot. It wasn’t unlike himself because he recognized that man.

“Facial recognition starting now” Jarvis said but Tony didn’t need that to know who the Soldier was.

“That’s Bucky Barnes” he whispered and watched in horror as the Shield strike team took Steve into custody.

Steve didn’t even seem to notice what happened, he was still staring at the point where the Soldier, Bucky, had vanished.

Tony knew from the stories of his father that those two had been best friends since childhood and Tony grew up with stories about them and the Howling Commandos. There had been pictures in his father’s workshop. That’s why he instantly knew the Soldier.

“Tell me about Bucky Barnes, J.”

Jarvis recited the known dates and Tony peaked up when Jarvis talked about the imprisonment of Bucky.

“What happened there?” he asked and Jarvis pulled up all the files he could find.

If Tony read that correctly Arnim Zola had tried to recreate the serum and injected a lot of soldiers with it, including Bucky who was the only known survivor of those experiments. And it looked like the serum had worked. Bucky must have survived the fall from the train because of it and someone obviously found him. The only question was who.

Tony guessed he would find that out once he was in Washington. Before he could get into the suit though his phone rang.

“Sir, the call is from Director Fury.”

Tony narrowed his eyes. “You said he is dead.”

“The file said he is dead” Jarvis shot back and Tony rolled his eyes. He probably should have known better than to believe what Shield said. He should have learned his lesson after the thing with Coulson.

“Fine. Put him through.”

“Stark” Fury greeted him and he sounded tired.

“Director. How is the afterlife treating you?” Tony asked but Fury didn’t react to that.

“You can’t come here.”

“Excuse me? Steve just got arrested, by your men as I might point out. I think someone should come over there.”

“Hill is already in place. And those are not my men. They belong to Hydra.”

Tony blinked surprised. “Come again? Hydra as in Nazi-World-War-II-Hydra?”

“Yes. I need you to stay out of this.”

“Okay just so that there are no misunderstandings: you are presumed dead, Steve and Natasha got arrested by Hydra and the Winter Soldier is Bucky Barnes and you don’t want me to help.”

Only now did Tony’s brain make the connection between Hydra and the Winter Soldier and it didn’t sit right with Tony that one of the Howling Commandos, Steve’s best friend, was now used by them.

“Hill will get Steve out and we don’t need you for the rest.”

Maybe Tony wasn’t an expert on strategy or on Steve Rogers but he was pretty sure that he wouldn’t fight his best friend.

“Steve won’t fight Bucky.”

“He will fight long enough to save many lives” Fury answered and Tony narrowed his eyes.

“You don’t expect him to walk away from this.”

There was a prolonged silence on the other end but then Fury sighed. “No. This is not what he hoped for.”

The gears in Tony’s head started to turn and when he came to a conclusion he personally wanted to kill Fury. “You knew. You knew that the Soldier is Bucky and you didn’t tell Steve because you hoped he would take him out before his identity was revealed.”

The short silence on the other end was all the confirmation Tony needed but then Fury spoke again. “Steve is compromised. He won’t fight to kill the Winter Soldier but the Winter Soldier will definitely do everything to kill Steve.”

“What happened to Bucky?” Tony asked because he couldn’t help it. He needed to know if he wanted to get him out of there.

“We will send you a file with everything we know. We hoped you could bring him in after this.”

Tony would study that file until he memorized everything but he would certainly not bring Bucky in just to hand him over to Shield. If Bucky had been in Hydra’s hands since he fell from the train he certainly deserved a break. Tony would not allow Shield to use Bucky as well.

“What about Cap?” Tony asked because he felt like Fury wanted to steer the conversation away from that.

“There is nothing we can do. He will want to take down Hydra and he probably won’t fight the Winter Soldier. We don’t need two of our people to die here.”

Tony needed to sit down at that. “You are really going to sacrifice Captain America?”

“He is going to sacrifice himself. For the greater good. And after you brought Barnes in and he is on our side he will be Captain America.”

Tony couldn’t help but to admire Fury’s efficiency even if he didn’t agree with the plan. Steve was his teammate, maybe even his friend, and he didn’t deserve this. And if Tony had any say in it the Soldier would not be a puppet to Shield.

But if Tony wanted to be involved in Fury’s plan he had to play along, do as he was told, so that he could get to the Soldier first. And for that he needed that file. “What do you want me to do then? It will look suspicious that Iron Man is not there to help.”

“We took care of that” Fury said and Tony could hear how smug he sounded. “Iron Man was seen in Japan not fifteen minutes ago. Everyone will understand that by the time you come back everything is over. You can help with the clean-up.”

“You want me to pick up the pieces” Tony asked and he felt sick at that.

This whole plan was cruel and unnecessary. But it couldn’t be helped, not if Tony wanted to help the Solider. Bucky. He should probably start calling him that now.

And while Tony was convinced that Steve wouldn’t kill Bucky, not now after he knew who the Soldier really was, he wasn’t so sure that Steve would allow Bucky to kill him. As far as he knew Cap he always found a way. And he was stubborn as hell.

“Yes. You will be the new leader of the Avengers and it makes for a good first public appearance.”

Tony thought about that for a second, he weighed every option he had, but this seemed like the best if he wanted to help Bucky. He just needed to trust Steve that he would not get himself killed.

“Fine. Send that file.”

Fury didn’t respond to that, the last thing Tony heard before the connection was cut was Fury saying “About damn time” but a few seconds later Jarvis announced that the file arrived. Tony got himself another cup of coffee before he dug into that.

It was Hydra’s file about the Winter Soldier and it only dated back to the beginning of December 1991. It was suggested that before that the Soldier had belonged to the USSR and was transferred to Hydra shortly before it was dissolved.

Tony felt nauseous when he read how Hydra, and before that the Russians, had treated the Soldier and he was really glad he was already sitting down.

There was no record of the arm which suggested that it had been attached before Hydra got him. Tony was torn between awe for whoever made that arm and being sick when he thought about how it was connected to the body. If that procedure took place before 1991 it couldn’t have been pretty.

The file also explained why Bucky didn’t recognize Steve during their fight and since Tony had done his research about nerves and the brain he understood exactly what Hydra had done to Bucky. It was a fairly advanced procedure but also unnecessary cruel. Tony could only imagine the pain that Bucky had to endure and even that was enough for Tony to gag and put his coffee away. He wished he had brought down something stronger.

After that Tony dreaded to read on but there were still so many pages left and he bravely went through them. Everything that was ever done to the Soldier was documented here, like the most horrifying resume ever, and even though it made him sick Tony could also see how he could help the Soldier.

The conditioning, because there was no better word for it, seemed already to fade if he took Bucky’s hesitance to attack Steve after the mask was removed, into account. He was convinced that it would break over time if Hydra didn’t get a chance to renew it in certain intervals and if he factored in the healing factor he should have it shouldn’t even take that long.

Maybe it was already deteriorating and Bucky wouldn’t fight Steve to kill but only to stop. Tony could at least hope.

Tony took a break from the file when he reached the list of assassinations that Bucky had carried out. It was long and Tony tried not to think about all the time before Bucky came to Hydra. This could only be a third of the killings he had carried out. Tony felt his stomach grumble and he realized that it had been some time since he ate but he wasn’t sure if eating before going over that list was the best course of action. So instead he went to make more coffee, he pointedly stayed away from the alcohol, and while he waited for the machine to brew his coffee he compared the scarce notes of the arm from the file to his own.

It looked like Hydra had made their own plan of the arm when it needed to be repaired since they weren’t provided with the original ones and Tony shook his head at the inaccuracy of it. He didn’t understand how someone could look directly into the arm and still get it so wrong. Even his own notes were better compared to that and he had been twenty-one at the time. No wonder the circuitry had been in such a bad shape when he had repaired it that once.

If those plans were still the ones Hydra acted on than Tony needed to get his hands on that arm as soon as possible.

When there was nothing more to learn from the schematics except that Hydra certainly consisted only of idiots Tony turned back to the list of killings. His coffee had gone lukewarm by now but he took the pot with him. He was pretty certain that he would need something to hold onto.

He wasn’t sure why he hesitated that much but somehow he really didn’t want to see how and who the Soldier had killed. He took one last deep breath before he opened that particular file and his entire world crumbled at the first entry.

The Soldier had killed his parents.

It had been his first assignment under Hydra and according to the report he had carried it out flawlessly. Shot the tire, so that Howard would lose control of the car and crash into the transporter that turned the corner in just that moment.

Tony thought back to the night after his parents’ death. The Soldier had visited him and now Tony got it. He had been there because he had made the connection between Howard and him so it hadn’t been by chance that the Soldier had come to him.

Tony’s hand tightened around the mug and it made a strained sound but Tony didn’t notice it. He stared at the entry for a few seconds before he noticed the report that was attached to it. He took a deep breath before he quickly read that and the only thing that made this whole situation more horrible was that Maria was considered unimportant. The objective had been to kill Howard and no one had cared that Maria was in the car. She was considered necessary collateral damage so as not to raise suspicion.

Tony walked away from his table and the file and sat down on the couch. He realized now that the Soldier hadn’t seen the news that evening but that he knew of the accident because he had caused it. He was responsible for the fact that Tony was an orphan now.

Tony didn’t know if he should laugh or cry and in the end he did neither. He just sat on the couch doing nothing until Dummy started to worry and rolled over. He gently bumped Tony in the shoulder and that brought him back.

It made no sense to accuse the Soldier of murdering his parents, Tony knew that. Bucky was just a puppet to Hydra and they were to blame. Tony knew that but it was still hard to accept it. He would probably need some time for that.

When he felt composed enough that he could go back to the file he was surprised to see just how many people the Soldier had killed. Jarvis had found 26 killings that could be linked back to the Soldier but that was nowhere near the number Tony found in that file. That was closer to 60.

Tony wondered what they did with the Soldier between those killings and he went back to look if he could find something about that. He had read right over it the first time but now that he was really looking for it he found it quickly. The file repeatedly referred to cryo-freeze and it made sense. If that was a thing that worked.

Tony tried to find out more about the procedure it but it seemed like Hydra had just copied that from the USSR. Maybe it only worked with Bucky because he had the serum. After all Steve had been frozen for nearly 70 years.

Tony was fascinated by that topic right until he read that the cold and ice had a great effect on the arm. Of course the metal would get colder than the body it was attached to and there appeared to be some cases of severe frostbite.

It was just one more careless thing that set Tony’s teeth on edge because he was sure there could have been a solution to this and a simple one at that. It rubbed him wrong that Hydra was so careless with it’s obviously highly applied asset.

All this information began to whirl in Tony’s mind and he had to take another break. It was all just too much. He never expected to find out that much about the Soldier and he certainly hadn’t thought he would be personally affected by it. But that was the case and not only because the Soldier had killed his parents.

After reading everything that had been done to Bucky it was close to a miracle that he remembered Tony again and again and Tony wondered about the reason. Tony’s name was never mentioned in the file which probably meant that the Soldier’s handler had never found out about him, otherwise he would be most certainly dead.

Tony’s head spun with the implication of that and he left his workshop. He needed some distance.

That only worked until Jarvis announced “Sir, there is another fight.”

Tony noticed that he had worked through the whole night and he wondered how Steve was doing. He probably hadn’t slept either. He refused to think about the night Bucky must have had.

Tony told Jarvis to pull up the feed and those Hydra bastards were using the helicarriers with his repulsor technology. That was definitely the last time Tony shared anything with Shield.

Tony couldn’t make out Steve in all that mess until he jumped from the helicarrier and the man with the wings, Sam Wilson Jarvis helpfully supplied, caught him. Then Bucky showed up and everything went downhill.

Tony lost sight of them once they were inside the carrier but when Steve fell Tony could see that the Soldier dived right in after him. Maybe he did remember after all.

~*~

Steve had miraculously survived his fight with the Soldier and when Tony visited him in the hospital he was already mostly healed up.

“I found your Shield, Cap. You ought to take better care of it” Tony started when he walked in but Steve didn’t look happy as Tony put it down next to his bed.

“Where have you been?” he was greeted accusingly and Tony shrugged.

“On a mission in Japan. Didn’t Fury tell you?” Tony asked and shook his head. Steve narrowed his eyes and Tony handed him a phone. “It’s a Stark phone. Call me when you have time” Tony said and he could see that Steve understood that Tony didn’t want to talk here.

“I could have needed your help” Steve carefully said and Tony smiled. “Fury said as much.”

Steve’s eyes darkened at that and he nodded. “Okay. Maybe you can help with cleaning up.”

“That was the plan, Cap” Tony said cheerfully and left again. He really hoped that Steve understood that Fury wasn’t to be trusted and that he would call but he shouldn’t have worried because later that day is phone rang.

“What is going on?” Steve asked and Tony could hear wind in the background.

“Are you on your bike?” he asked and Steve laughed.

“Figured it wasn’t safe to talk in a place with cameras.”

“Good thinking. Fury knew about Bucky” Tony dived right in.

There was a brief silence before Steve said “That bastard. He told me he didn’t.”

“He lied, Cap. He always lies.”

“Where were you?”

“In New York. He gave me Bucky’s file as thanks for staying put.”

“You have his file?” Steve asked and he sounded hopeful.

“Only the Hydra part. No idea what happened before 1991.”

“Can you help me find him?”

“Three steps ahead of you. There’s a map on your phone with the most likely places he would hide.”

“Why are you doing this?” Steve asked and Tony briefly thought about telling Steve the truth but decided against it.

He was so used to keeping the Soldier to himself that he really didn’t want to share now. “Fury wants me to bring him in. So that he can work for Shield. I think Bucky has been through enough.”

“You just wanna piss off Fury.”

“Think whatever you want, Steve. Use the map, get him back.”

“And then go where?” Steve asked and he sounded tired.

“Avengers’ tower. There’s a floor for you and your boy.”

Steve appeared to be speechless but when he found his voice again he sounded grateful. “Thank you, Tony. I will keep you updated.”

The call ended and Tony sighed. Steve wouldn’t be so grateful once he found out why Tony really wanted Bucky to come back to the tower.

~*~

Several weeks passed where Tony heard from neither Fury nor Steve. It made a bit more sense when Maria Hill came to work for him, telling him that Shield was done and Fury in the wind, destroying Hydra cells, but he still wasn’t pleased with that. He had hoped that Steve would make good on his promise to keep him updated.

The fact that Shield was gone for good now was something Tony deeply appreciated because that meant he didn’t need to hide Bucky once he came to the tower and he also didn’t need to invent some lies for Fury why he hadn’t found the Soldier yet.

When Steve finally called to tell him that he and Sam found Bucky Tony was so relieved that he needed to sit down. He heard some rustling on the other end of the line and then Steve lowly said “He remembers everything, Tony. I don’t know if he can cope.” Steve sounded really tired and while Tony did feel with him, he could only imagine how Bucky would react to all his memories, he was also happy because it meant that Bucky would remember everything about being the Winter Soldier. And therefore about meeting him. Tony had been worried that Bucky wouldn’t recognize him but it seems like he didn’t have to.

Steve told Tony that they were already on their way back to the tower and would arrive in less than a day and Tony made sure that everything on Steve’s and Bucky’s floors were in order before he prepared one for Sam too.

Tony would never admit it but he was quite nervous about meeting Bucky. He could handle the Soldier just fine but if Bucky now remembered everything, including killing Tony’s parents, then it probably wouldn’t go over so smoothly.

Instead of worrying too much about that Tony kept himself busy in the workshop after the guest floors were prepared and he did a last check on the arm. He didn’t have a chance to offer it to Bucky after that first horrible try but he wanted to do so shortly.

Tony knew that Bucky would probably need some time to sort everything out but he hoped that getting a new arm that wouldn’t hurt him would help with that.

When Steve, Sam and Bucky finally showed up Tony was a nervous mess but he tried to play it down. He greeted them in the entrance hall and couldn’t help but smile when he saw Bucky.

He looked different without the leather and his hair back in a ponytail and since it was the first time without the mask Tony had a hard time connecting the Soldier to Bucky.

But when Bucky’s eyes met his Tony’s worries were forgotten because they were still the same. Tony would have recognized those eyes everywhere.

Tony approached them to greet them and Bucky took a step back to hide behind Steve’s back. Tony immediately stopped, confused by that reaction. But when he looked closer at the Soldier, Bucky, it suddenly made sense. Bucky looked at Tony like he tried to determine the level of threat Tony posed and the Soldier hadn’t looked like that at Tony since he was seven.

And just like that Tony’s hopes were crushed because while Bucky remembered everything he obviously didn’t remember Tony.

Chapter Text

Since Bucky came to the tower two rather nerve-racking weeks had passed. Tony spent them mostly holed up in his workshop, working on his suit, the arm or trying to retrieve as much of the dumped information as he could. All those files had been out there for almost a month now and Tony was sure that way too many people already saw the files but retrieving them couldn’t hurt. He had Jarvis collect all the files on a private, highly secured server and delete every file that has already been transferred there. There was quite the amount of information to go through, not only Shield’s secrets but also Hydra’s, but for now Tony was contend with getting them back. He wasn’t sure if he could take any more details of Bucky’s treatment. When he was by himself Tony could also admit that he did all that to evade Bucky but he had to leave his workshop for food and sleep eventually and Steve didn’t even hide the fact that he had waited for Tony in the kitchen.

Tony quickly glanced over to him before he checked the room. When there was no sign of Bucky he made his way over to the coffee maker. He kind of broke the one he had in the workshop when he took it apart to make it faster. That did not only result in him being under-caffeinated but he also had to leave the workshop and Tony already wished he hadn’t.

While he was waiting for his coffee to be ready, so that he could leave again, Steve sat down on the table, turned towards Tony and obviously only waiting to be acknowledged. Well, he could wait all he want, Tony was not going to start a conversation.

Steve seemed to realize that rather quickly because he cleared his throat and then said “If you are uncomfortable with Bucky here, we can leave. You know that right?”

Tony rolled his eyes at the coffee maker. “Why would I want that? I am fine. He can stay.” Tony could almost hear the frown that was clearly on Steve’s face. “But you don’t seem relaxed.”

“Yeah, well, there is an assassin running around my tower. But really, it’s just work. Nothing to do with Bucky.”

The coffee was finally done and Tony immediately drank half his cup. He heard how Steve got up and then he was standing right next to him. Tony pretended to be horribly interested in his half-empty mug just so he didn’t have to look at Steve. He really wasn’t ready for any talk about Bucky.

“I know that he is still unstable. But we’re working on it. He is much better now” Steve pleaded with him and Tony really didn’t understand. He had said that it was alright, hadn’t he?

Tony quickly contemplated if Steve needed the reassurance because he knew that Bucky killed Tony’s parents and he just wanted to make sure that Tony was one hundred percent okay with Bucky staying here but it didn’t seem likely. If Steve knew what Bucky had done he surely would react differently.

Tony sighed into his cup before he downed the rest of it and then he immediately made himself a new one. “Steve. It is fine. He can stay. You can stay. Everyone can stay. I just have a lot of work to do.”

It wasn’t even a lie. Since the whole Hydra debacle Tony hadn’t worked on anything for SI and he was behind. Besides, now he also had to improve Steve’s bike and his uniform and while he had spent the last two weeks in his workshop he hadn’t really worked on anything important. It really was time he got back to that.

“Okay” Steve said eventually but Tony could tell that he wanted more.

“What? Spit it out.”

“Well, I was just wondering…Bucky’s arm seems to make some trouble for him. I would appreciate it if you could look at it.”

Tony tried really hard to keep his face impassive. “But? Bucky wouldn’t appreciate it?” he asked because he had the distinct feeling that that wasn’t all that Steve had to say. And he was right.

“Bucky seems…wary of the arm. He won’t let anyone touch it. And I am not so sure if he would come down to the workshop. He doesn’t seem to like anything that only barely resembles the room Hydra kept him in.”

Tony arched an eyebrow. “You think my workspace resembles that tomb Hydra kept him in?”

“It was a bank vault but…yeah.”

“Rogers, let me tell you that that most certainly isn’t true. Bring him down sometimes. Get him used to the room. Maybe then I can take a look at the arm.”

Tony’s hand around the mug had tightened ever so slightly with his words and now he was actually afraid he would break it. He didn’t want Bucky down in the workshop. He didn’t want to see Bucky or talk to him at all. But he couldn’t really stand for his workshop being compared to Hydra’s bank vault and so his mouth got away from him. It didn’t help that Tony clearly remembered that the Soldier hadn’t been afraid of his workshop.

Tony had clung to the hope that Bucky would eventually remember him or the tower; the Soldier always did even when he was confused at first and Tony needed to believe that it would be the same with Bucky.

Sure, him avoiding Bucky probably didn’t help the matter but after that first day Tony just couldn’t bear to be around him. Especially not after it became clear that while Bucky didn’t remember Tony at all he sure as hell remembered the outlay of the tower.

Steve had asked on that first day if it would be okay to give Bucky a tour, show him everything that would be accessible to him and Bucky had declared that he didn’t need that, he knew where everything was, Hydra probably had kept a plan or something.

After that Steve seemed horrified because he obviously thought Bucky had order to kill Tony and now that Tony thought about it maybe that was the reason Steve kept asking if it was okay that Bucky was in the tower. Since Tony knew better than to believe Hydra had ordered and prepared the Soldier to kill Tony he was fairly relaxed about the whole subject. Except for the part where he wasn’t relaxed at all.

It hurt only more now since Tony knew that the knowledge of the blueprint obviously survived somehow whereas he hadn’t.

Steve had kept Tony updated of all the progress Bucky made, either because he felt obligated to share it with Tony since they lived in his tower or because he really wanted to share but to Tony it amounted to the same. He wanted it to stop.

He didn’t want to hear about Bucky every time Steve came down to the workshop or they ran into each other. He had tried to tell Steve that once but that had only resulted in a hurt “We can move out if you want” and while Tony wanted nothing to do with Bucky right now he also didn’t want them to leave.

So he was still being updated on Bucky’s doings and as it turned out Bucky did not remember everything. There were particular missions he had no recollection of and he missed stretches of time. No one was sure if that was because he had been in cryo-sleep then or if it was really missing time but Tony knew that Bucky and Steve were working on it, along with some very high recommended therapists.

And while it certainly left some hope for Tony that Bucky would remember him, that the memories were somewhere in that head, it also made everything so much more horrible because the general agreement was that Bucky didn’t remember the most gruesome missions in order to protect himself.

Tony refused to believe that he fell into that category but fact was that Bucky simply did not remember him and it always left a bit of doubt in Tony. Especially since the general knowledge about his tower seemed to be worthy enough to remember.

Despite all that Tony knew that he would never turn Bucky away and most certainly not if his arm was acting strangely or even hurting him more than usual.

Tony’s grip on his mug hadn’t lessened but Steve seemed oblivious to that and nodded his thanks. “Well swing by later today if that’s okay?” he asked to make sure and Tony mumbled “Whatever” before he went back down to his abandoned work.

Steve thankfully let Tony know that they were coming down instead of just marching in and even though Tony didn’t wait idly around for them he felt less caught off guard this way.

He heard the door open but he didn’t turn around partly because he wanted to give Bucky some time to look around and partly because he still didn’t feel ready.

When Steve cleared his throat he took another few seconds to count to three and when he swirled around on his chair, he had a big grin plastered on his face and he clapped his hands. “Well, look who it is. What can I do for you fellas?”

Steve seemed tense and he carefully eyed Bucky from the corner of his eyes but Bucky himself seemed to do just fine. He curiously looked around the workshop and was relatively relaxed so Tony guessed that it didn’t remind him of the Hydra vault.

When Bucky’s eyes fell on Tony he seemed to make himself smaller and he took a step back almost as if he wanted to hide behind Steve, as if he needed to protect himself from Tony and Tony couldn’t look at him. He couldn’t bear to the see Bucky being afraid of him.

Steve noticed their strange behaviour but didn’t comment on it and instead addressed Tony again. “I just thought I’d finally show Bucky your workshop. It’s the only thing he hadn’t seen yet.”

“Well” Tony said and spread his arms. “What do you think?” he asked, forcing himself to address Bucky directly and tried to ignore that Dummy whirled over to Bucky obviously happy to see him again. Not that anyone would recognize that. If it wouldn’t hurt so much Tony would probably laugh at the fact that even a bot remembered more than Bucky.

Bucky seemed a bit wary of the excitedly whirring bot but in the end he patted his claw and carefully avoided to look at Tony. Steve gently nudged him in the side and asked “And what do you think? It isn’t so bad down here, is it?”

Bucky patted Dummy a few more times before he said “I killed your parents.”

It was uttered rather dispassionately and Steve visibly flinched. He hadn’t known after all, if the look he gave Bucky was anything to go by.

Tony took a deep breath. He desperately wanted to tell Bucky what happened after that, the more important thing that Bucky did after that, but he kept his mouth shut. If he told Bucky and he still wouldn’t remember it would kill Tony. So instead he nodded. “Yes, you did.”

It was just another statement but it was enough to make the Soldier, Bucky, look at him again. “You’re not angry” he said and seemed uncertain for the first time since he came to the tower.

Tony stifled a bitter laugh at that. He couldn’t really say ‘No, I’m not, because after you killed them you came and saved me’ and so he pressed his lips together. Bucky seem to grow more uncomfortable with every second that passed and in the end Tony took pity on him.

“It was a long time ago. And it wasn’t even your fault; Hydra killed them so, no. I am not angry.”

Steve had silently watched their exchange but now he grabbed Bucky’s arm. “I think we should leave now.”

Only now did Tony realize that Bucky was trembling and barely holding himself together. “Yes please” he whispered and Tony had to look down when he heard the anguish in that short sentence.

Steve steered Bucky out of the workshop but before he left he turned around. “I am so sorry, Tony” he said and Tony could see that it also pained him. Steve and Howard had been friends after all. Instead of answering he shrugged and turned away from Steve. This really could have gone better.

~~~~~*~~~~~

Tony sluggishly lifted his head when Jarvis announced that his blackout protocols were overwritten. He was way too drunk to deal with a righteous Steve or an angry Pepper but when he saw Rhodey enter the workshop he grinned.

“Honeybear! What brings you to this side of the world?” His words were only slurred a bit, years of practice, and he was rather proud of that. No need to let Rhodey know just how drunk he was right now.

“Tony” Rhodey said and his voice was that mix of fondness and exasperation that always coloured it.

“Drink with me” Tony said and shoved a bottle in his face. Rhodey took it but he placed it on a workbench out of Tony’s reach if he wanted to stay on the couch. And he did it was a really good couch, nice and soft and always so patient with him. He petted the couch.

“How much did you drink?” Rhodey asked and Tony stopped petting the couch.

“Not enough?” he carefully asked and Rhodey shook his head.

“What happened? You haven’t been that drunk in a long time.”

“Times change” Tony shrugged, trying not to think about the visit he got paid earlier that day and pulled another bottle out of the bag next to his couch. Rhodey gave him a disdainful look but Tony laughed. “You know I am prepared. I will only offer you another drink if you promise not to take it away.”

Rhodey sighed and sat down next to him. “You know, I actually came down to stop you from drinking. Steve called me. He sounded rather worried.”

“Steve is no fun” Tony replied and took a large gulp.

“Where is Pepper? Shouldn’t she be here?” Rhodey asked and Tony took another sip at that.

“Did no one tell you? Pepper is officially not responsible for me anymore” Tony answered and he forced himself not to sound too hurt.

He had ended the relationship shortly after Bucky, Steve and Sam came to stay at the tower and while it had hurt to tell Pepper that, it hadn’t been as difficult as he thought. He had been a bit afraid that it would impact their work relationship but they fell right back into old patterns and it was like nothing happened. Pepper hadn’t even asked him for a reason, and Tony was grateful for that because he wasn’t sure he was ready to do that. And instead of doing it now he brought the bottle back up to his mouth.

Rhodey didn’t say anything to that but instead clasped his shoulder in a tight grip. Tony was sure that he would have to tell him everything later but for now he was glad for the silence.

When Tony took another sip from the bottle Rhodey finally asked “Is that why you are drinking?” and he reached out to take the bottle from Tony. Tony yanked it back to hide it behind his body.

“Please don’t. I can still remember” he said and then started to laugh because really. That was so not fair. When he got himself back under control he mumbled “Maybe I should ask him how he’s doing it.”

Rhodey frowned at that. “Are you talking about Bucky?”

“Who in this godforsaken tower is not talking about Bucky?” Tony snapped at him and then craned his neck to drink some more.

“Is it because he killed your parents?” Rhodey softly asked.

“Why does everyone keep asking me that?” Tony questioned and slumped back in the couch.

“Because it’s the only thing that makes sense?” Rhodey shot back and Tony laughed.

“Yeah, it is, isn’t it. Fuck.” And with that he drank rather enthusiastically from the bottle until Rhodey gently coaxed it away from his mouth.

“What else would be the reason?” Rhodey asked and Tony got up from the couch, to his delight without so much as a wobble.

“The reason” he said and gestured with the bottle in Rhodey’s direction, “is that he fucking saved me.”

Okay maybe now was the time to stop talking because he never told anyone about the Soldier and he didn’t want to start now. But he was so drunk and Rhodey was right there and he looked so concerned and maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if he told at least one person.

“You’ll have to elaborate on that, Tones” Rhodey carefully said and Tony felt so angry all of a sudden that he couldn’t help it. “I wouldn’t be here without him and he doesn’t even remember me!” he yelled and smashed the bottle against the wall. Dummy gave a miserable whirr from him and carefully wheeled over to start cleaning the mess up.

Rhodey took a step in his direction but Tony started to pace, unwilling to stand still if he was about to confess. “Tony I really don’t understand. How could he possibly have saved you?”

“It seems rather hilarious doesn’t it?” Tony asked and looked at Rhodey who seemed really worried.

“If by hilarious you mean unlikely and really concerning, then yeah. It does.”

Tony’s hands twitched and he really whished he hadn’t thrown the bottle. That would be a really good thing to hold on to now. “Remember that night when my parents died and you…found me?” he suddenly asked and Rhodey’s voice seemed tight when he answered.

“Of course I do. Hard to forget.”

“Yeah, I know” Tony said and absentmindedly rubbed over the scar on his wrist. “But the thing is…I didn’t call you that night.”

Rhodey looked expectantly at him, waiting for him to go on and Tony took a deep breath. All or nothing now. This was the last chance to back out of this. Rhodey was still waiting for him to continue, to explain it to him, and it had to be the alcohol because Tony heard himself say “It was him. The Soldier, Bucky, called you.”

Rhodey blinked a few times and then narrowed his eyes. “Nope. I still don’t understand a word you say. That just doesn’t make sense. Why would he do that? Why was he there?” His eyes widened almost comically when a thought occurred to him. “Was he there to kill you too?”

“No, Rhodey, he wasn’t. It’s a bit complicated.”

Rhodey sat back down on the couch and crossed his arms, demonstrating that he wouldn’t go anywhere. “I have time” he said to Tony who laughed.

“Of course you do. Okay get comfortable then, this will be the craziest story you’ve ever heard from me” Tony replied and walked up and down in front of the couch wondering how he should start.

Rhodey laughed at him. “You know, it’s you, Tones. I doubt that anything can surprise me.”

~~~~~*~~~~~

Tony told his story with only minimal interruption and he was pretty sure it wasn’t due to the lack of interest but more because of the totally astonished look Rhodey had on his face. He seemed too busy trying to process everything to ask additional questions.

When Tony ended his story he looked expectantly at Rhodey but there was still no reaction. Tony nervously wrung his hands and eyed the bottle that was still standing on his workbench. Maybe now was the time to drink again. He carefully shuffled closer to the bottle still trying to gauge Rhodey’s reaction and when his hand closed around the bottleneck Rhodey looked at him. Tony refused to let the bottle go, he needed the alcohol now, but instead of scolding him Rhodey extended his hand.

“Gimme that.” Tony narrowed his eyes but did as Rhodey told him and Rhodey took a big gulp and then he leaned back into the couch. “That is the craziest thing you have ever told me. Holy shit, Tones.”

Now that everything was said Tony didn’t feel the need to walk around anymore and so he flopped down next to Rhodey. “I know right?” he said and held out his hand so that Rhodey could pass the bottle to him.

They finished the bottle between them and while it didn’t really made a difference to Tony any more it had quite the effect on Rhodey. They were laughing about something rather stupid when Steve wandered into the workshop.

“The fine Captain” Rhodey greeted him and Steve looked unhappy.

“Colonel Rhodey, if I recall our conversation correctly, you were supposed to stop him from drinking. Not join in.” It was said with a heavy sigh and Tony only barely suppressed a laugh.

“Captain. Cap. Steve. He was my friend first” Tony told him and passed the bottle back to Rhodey.

There was only an inch of alcohol left and Rhodey downed it in one go. Steve scowled at them both but Rhodey wasn’t intimidated by that. He held the bottle in Steve’s direction and then said “If you were in his shoes you would drink too.”

Steve looked like he didn’t believe Rhodey but it didn’t matter to Tony. He still found this whole situation hilarious.

“I think you should go to bed now” Steve eventually said and both Tony and Rhodey groaned. Steve wasn’t deterred by that, he walked over to the couch and yanked them both up. Tony was unsteady on his feet for a second, alcohol finally kicking in, and he had to lean heavily on Steve.

“Colonel, is there a place you can sleep?” Steve asked Rhodey but Rhodey just lolled his head around.

“He sleeps with me” Tony exclaimed and Steve looked taken aback but then he nodded and didn’t comment on that. “Okay. Let’s go then.”

He marched them over to the elevator and Jarvis moved them to Tony’s floor. Steve practically manhandled them into bed and pulled the cover over them. He didn’t say anything when he switched off the light but he gave them one long look before he closed the door.

Tony had to giggle at that again but it died down soon enough. Rhodey seemed already asleep but he was also smiling and so Tony guessed that he was still awake.

“Don’t leave me alone here” Tony whispered and scooted closer to Rhodey to clutch his arm. “Don’t leave me alone with him” he mumbled and there was a vague affirmative sound from Rhodey. Tony slightly tightened the grip on his arm and Rhodey opened an eye.

“I can stay three days” he told Tony before he closed it again. Gratitude filled Tony and he squeezed the arm one last time before he let go.

“Thank you” he mumbled into his pillow and then he fell asleep.

~~~~~*~~~~~

Tony slowly woke up when something shifted next to him. He groaned, not yet ready to face his life again but when he was met with another groan he sluggishly opened his eyes.

A grin spread over his face when he saw Rhodey next to him. He was burying his face in the pillow, hands over his ears and Tony remembered the last night. He couldn’t help but chuckle and Rhodey mumbled something that included the word unfair.

And Tony supposed it was because while Tony didn’t feel much worse for the wear Rhodey definitely suffered a bad case of hangover.

When Tony chuckled again he was met with a distinctive more understandable string of curse words and glee rose in Tony. Drinking with Rhodey was always fun but hangover Rhodey was the best because he always seemed to forget how to be polite. It was constantly fun seeing people meet hangover Rhodey especially when they already knew him. After such instances people usually claimed that Tony was too much of a bad influence on Rhodey, when really, Tony had nothing to do with it.

He had met Rhodey drunk during a party at MIT and then on the next day he had the pleasure of meeting Rhodey with a hangover and they had been friends ever since. Tony had nothing to do with how Rhodey behaved at all and he found it rather hilarious that everyone always seemed to think that it was Tony’s fault when they got in trouble. At least half of the times it had been Rhodey’s idea.

Tony was pulled out of his memories when he got hit by a pillow. “What did you do?” Rhodey moaned and Tony pressed the pillow on his face for a second before he said “Nothing. You decided you couldn’t take my story without some alcohol.”

He slowly lowered the pillow after that, kind of hoping that maybe Rhodey didn’t understand him and forgot all about yesterday and Tony’s foolish streak of honesty, but when he looked at Rhodey he could see that that was not the case.

“Shit” was all Rhodey said and Tony full heartedly agreed.

“Any bright ideas?” Tony asked and Rhodey slowly sat up.

“I need food. And you will join me” he added when Tony slumped back down in the bed. “You will not hide in your own home. No matter how much it sucks.”

Tony wanted to argue about that, that it had worked perfectly well those last two weeks, but one look at Rhodey shut him up. “Fine” he begrudgingly agreed and Rhodey slowly crawled out of the bed. They made it to the kitchen in less than ten minutes which had to be counted as a win but when they arrived Tony immediately wanted to go back to bed.

Steve and Bucky were sitting at the table eating something that looked more like lunch than breakfast and one quick glance to the clock proved Tony right. It was well past midday.

Bucky tried to make himself smaller when he spotted Tony and Steve looked like he wanted to apologize. Tony tried to remember what happened the last time he saw them and oh, yeah, right. Dead parents. Always a mood killer.

Rhodey seemed oblivious to all that and slumped down on one of the chairs and waved a hand in Tony’s direction. “Make me some food” he whined and Tony couldn’t quite suppress the grin that spread out on his face.

“You can damn well make your own food, honeybear” Tony said but he went to the stove to check if anything of the food the two super-soldiers ate was left.

So far neither of them had said anything, obviously unsure if they could speak in front of Rhodey and Tony had no intention of changing that. He really didn’t want to talk to them.

He looked into the pot and it seemed to be the stew Sam seemed to be kind of famous for and while Tony briefly wondered where Sam was today it didn’t really matter in the end. Tony took two plates out and filled them with it. He knew that Rhodey wouldn’t be happy with this but if he wanted something else he would have to get up himself. He put one of the plates down in front of Rhodey who slightly gagged when the smell hit him. He glared at Tony but then began eating without further complain and Tony smiled into his own stew.

“How are you feeling?” Steve suddenly asked them and since Rhodey was too busy shovelling down his food it was on Tony to answer. “Just peachy, Cap.”

While he said it he couldn’t help but quickly glance at Bucky but he regretted it the instant he did it. Bucky looked miserable and like he wanted to bolt from the table and even though the Soldier had had some pretty intense reactions during the times he was with Tony he had never looked quite so small. That look on him hurt Tony, especially since he believed this was somehow his fault, and it reminded Tony why he needed to stay away from Bucky, why he had spent the last two weeks mostly in his workshop and he itched to go back there.

Rhodey noticed, of course he did even through the headache he must have, and he clasped Tony’s arm. It seemed like he wanted to say something but after a glance over to Steve and Bucky he just squeezed his arm.

Tony only saw from the corner of his eye how Steve elbowed Bucky in the side probably trying to get him to speak. Bucky remained silent though and Steve let out a deep sigh. It seemed like he wanted to speak in Bucky’s stead then but Tony beat him to it.

“Look. I get that it is probably burdensome for you to remember that you killed my parents but I don’t blame you” Tony said to Bucky but carefully avoided to look at him. “I’m not angry or hurt or blaming you and out for revenge, if that is what you think. It happened a long time ago for me, I’m over it. If you have some issues with it, fine, but please don’t make this about me. As far as I am concerned Hydra killed my parents and your involvement in that really doesn’t matter to me.”

Bucky had pulled his shoulders up while Tony spoke and now they were almost up to his ears. He seemed so vulnerable like this and Tony remembered the night when he had patched the Soldier up. He had never given off this vulnerable vibe, not even when he had been hurt, and Tony couldn’t quite stand the sight of that.

Before he could start to ramble to lighten the mood Bucky lowly said “I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry.” Steve looked positively proud and Tony guessed that they talked at length about this last night.

“It’s okay” Tony mumbled into his stew. “Like I said, no hard feelings.”

Rhodey was looking up at him and still clutching his arm, giving him a reassuring squeeze and Tony couldn’t deny that he was relieved when Bucky got up and left the kitchen without a further word. Steve looked after him but when he was gone he turned back to Tony. “Thanks.”

“For what?” Tony asked and finally started to eat.

“He needed to say that. He feels quite bad for this whole situation” Steve answered and waved a hand around.

Tony really wanted to tell Steve that this wasn’t what Bucky should feel sorry about but he pushed another spoonful of stew into his mouth.

When it became clear that Tony wouldn’t comment further on that Steve changed the topic. “But if that isn’t a problem for you then I don’t understand why you drank yesterday.”

“There are other reasons to drink for, Cap” he mumbled around his food and Steve frowned.

“I get that. But that was quite the excessive drinking and you really shouldn’t pull down other people that way” he said with a glance to Rhodey who had finished his food and had his head in his hands though he looked up now.

“Excuse me, but I am very capable of going down that road by myself” he said to Steve and Tony smiled into his food. “Maybe we’ll even do it again tonight, what do you say, Tones?” Rhodey continued and looked expectantly at Tony.

Tony knew that it was a joke, Rhodey wouldn’t be able to see any alcohol for the next few days but he played along. “I have some very expensive whiskey. Maybe we could open the oldest.” Rhodey winked at him at that and Steve let out a long sigh.

“I’m not going to babysit you” he said while he rinsed his plate.

“No need, Captain. We’re perfectly capable of drinking ourselves stupid” Rhodey shot back and Steve left them without a further comment.

When Tony was sure that he was out of earshot he said “That was kinda mean.”

Rhodey shrugged and put his head back in his hands. “I don’t like it when people assume you are a bad influence on me. And can we please not talk about alcohol anymore?” he asked through a small gag and Tony laughed.

“Whatever you want, platypus. Want some more stew?” The murderous glare he got for that was answer enough but he still couldn’t help his smile. The next three days would be the best in a long time to come, Tony was sure of that.

Chapter Text

Tony had been right in assuming that the days with Rhodey would be the best for him since the whole Shield/Hydra debacle had went down.

Sure, Bucky was still there and he still didn’t remember Tony, but having Rhodey there made that easier to bear. Rhodey insisted that Tony wouldn’t hide in his workshop, it was his own goddamn tower, but he never made Tony face Bucky on his own. Rhodey was always there and it helped to know that someone was with him who understood what was happening.

Still, Tony spend as much time in the workshop as he could but since he still needed to make a few adjustments to his new suit Rhodey wasn’t really complaining. Tony came out of the workshop regularly, for food and sleep, and sometimes just because he wanted to. Not that he was particularly keen on seeing Bucky but he found that he liked it if more people lived in the tower.

Steve, Bucky and Sam made no indication that they wanted to move out any time soon and the others dropped by regularly. Tony didn’t know where exactly Natasha and Clint were living right now, but whenever they came by he made sure to mention that they had floors here and that he would like if they moved in. Maybe he didn’t say it with those words but he hoped he got his point across. Thor usually stayed with Jane whenever he briefly visited from Asgard but he made sure to always say hello to them. Bruce had only briefly stayed in the tower and now he was off again, doing good work in some third world country, Tony wasn’t sure. Bruce had asked to be left alone and while Jarvis knew exactly where Bruce was Tony hadn’t asked for any more information.

It was very different from his solitary lifestyle in Malibu but it was a nice change. Tony even tried to convince Rhodey a few times to stay, longer or forever, but Rhodey declined every time and Tony couldn’t for the life of him figure out what was better than living in the tower and with him but Rhodey stayed adamant on that topic.

Rhodey also tried to talk Tony into telling Bucky and Steve the truth but after Tony shut him out of the workshop after that he dropped the topic. They never talked about the whole mess again but whenever Tony had to interact with Bucky, or more often Steve and Bucky, he would send sympathetic glances towards Tony and he always made sure to stay close to him.

Since Rhodey came to the tower, Tony didn’t have to face Bucky alone even once.

When Rhodey finally left for his assignment it was hard for Tony to face Bucky alone again but somehow he managed. He tried to keep the meetings as brief as he could and he tried to not speak too much with him, not sure what words exactly would make it out of his mouth.

He really should have stuck to that policy because when Tony came into the common kitchen to refill his mug Steve and Bucky sat at the counter, Steve was reading the paper and Bucky was slumped over his bowl of cereal. They both looked at Tony when he entered and Tony felt the need to say something so he opened his mouth and what made it out was “The arm is ready." He instantly cringed at that but he couldn’t take the words back.

"Tony. We only asked you to look at the arm a few days ago. And you didn’t actually take a look at it. Where did you get the info? And did you even sleep since then?” Steve asked and put his paper down to inspect Tony.

Tony knew how he looked, he was sweaty and dirty from his work on the suit and he was bouncing on his feet from over-caffeinating. "No" Tony admitted even though building the arm was not the reason for since it had been ready years ago.

But Tony wasn’t about to tell them that he kept busy because he couldn't get the Soldier out of his mind and as strange as it was he also missed him. Bucky reminded him of the Soldier with every move that he made and even the violent reactions sometimes were just the same and it hurt Tony that he was among the things Bucky didn’t remember. Now that Rhodey was gone it seemed to be safer to keep busy instead of thinking about all of that too much.

“Thought I get it done quickly since that thing is hurting Bucky" Tony said absentmindedly while he got himself a big cup of coffee and he didn’t even realize his error.

"How do you know that?" Bucky asked and slowly came up from his slumped position over his bowl. He had been disinterested in Tony’s announcement but now he looked wary though about what exactly Tony couldn’t tell. "I didn't tell you that" Bucky lowly continued and even though he sounded unsure he made it pretty clear that no one was supposed to know that.

Shit. That was something the Soldier had told Tony. Bucky would never talk about something like that with him, he didn’t trust him at all.

"The file" Tony said and waved his hand as if that explained the rest because he couldn’t think of a better explanation right now.

"Tony, that plan about the arm is a joke" Steve interjected and Bucky looked back and forth between them.

"Steve, just because you can't read anything out of that doesn’t mean that I can't too. And there were plans in the files Natasha dropped on the internet" Tony explained and hoped the last part was true. He hadn’t read those files yet, still afraid of what else he would find, and he hoped that Steve also didn’t read them. But neither Steve nor Bucky responded to that so Tony seemed to be lucky and so he shrugged as he turned to the fridge.

He was distantly aware that some food along with his coffee wouldn’t be so bad. He wasn’t even sure if he could bear all that caffeine on an empty stomach right now.

"If you want to wait a few more days or weeks; fine by me. It's ready though whenever you like" he added almost as an afterthought while he looked into the fridge.

He found a takeout container from that Chinese place he liked and when he turned around, food in his hand, Bucky eyed him narrowly and Tony inwardly cursed. He had to be more careful. He needed to stop mentioning things that he shouldn't know or Bucky would get even more suspicious than he probably already was.

But the problem was that Bucky was somehow always there, no matter when Tony decided to come out of the workshop and at first he had suspected that Bucky was doing it on purpose but Jarvis assured him that Bucky just kept odd hours like him. The fact that Bucky always left shortly after Tony came into whatever room he occupied only proofed that theory.

It didn’t matter to Tony because when he came into a room where someone already was he felt the need to say something, and with Bucky he was afraid that he would slip and mention something he really shouldn’t know, like he had with the arm. So far everything went well but Tony could never be sure.

It was on one of those occasions that Bucky spoke to him. Tony wasn’t sure if it really was the first time he did so without being prompted by Steve but it damn well felt like that and he actually startled when Bucky cleared his throat. Tony cautiously turned around to him and Bucky was flexing his hand. Tony stared at it, noticing all the places that were damaged and he had to forcefully drag his eyes away when Bucky spoke.

“I don’t want a new arm” he said and didn’t meet Tony’s eyes.

“That’s fine” Tony rushed to speak, noting how obviously uncomfortable Bucky felt and he wasn’t doing any better himself. It wasn’t like he wanted Bucky to have the arm either. “But you should let me do something because your arm isn’t doing so well, is it?”

Bucky shook his head at that and when he flexed his hand again there was a small stop in the motion. “You can repair it” Bucky eventually said and Tony wasn’t sure if he should feel relieve that Bucky would finally let him look at the damage, or sad because it was Bucky who would let him look at it or if he should be overjoyed because Bucky was finally letting him look at the arm and Tony had waited for that for years. It was a bit much.

“That I can do” he hurriedly said when he noticed that he had been silent for too long. Bucky’s shoulders seemed to slump in relieve and it was obvious that he had expected more of a fight from Tony. “You’ll have to show me some motions, though, so that I can get a feeling for it.”

“Why?” Bucky asked and cradled the metal hand in his lap. “You made a new one without even looking at this one.”

Tony turned back around to finally get his coffee and he explained while he prepared the machine. “Building something new is easy. Repairing something so that it is exactly as before…that is the hard thing. I have to get more references to see how it should work. I can tell you exactly how your new arm would work but I don’t know enough about this one to restore it.”

Bucky seemed to think about that but in the end he nodded. “What do you need?”

“I need you to show me everything you want to be able to do with that arm.”

Bucky wriggled his fingers again and then he said “Okay, but I want Sam to be there.”

Tony was briefly surprised by that but then he remembered that Bucky and Sam seemed to spend quite some time together and Sam did seem like a laidback guy. “Fine by me. Just tell me when and where and we’ll get it done.”

Bucky nodded and then he left. Tony let out a sigh and wondered how that would screw him over. So far everything that had to do with Bucky had done that and he was pretty sure that this wouldn’t be any different.

Tony anxiously awaited Bucky’s call and he couldn’t really concentrate on anything so he was really glad when it finally came near mid-day. Jarvis directed him to the shooting range and Sam and Bucky were already waiting there for him.

“So you finally won and now you get to work on the arm, huh?” Sam asked and smiled at him. Seemed like it wasn’t a secret that Tony wanted to do that for a long time.

“I didn’t pressure him into anything, if you think that.”

“Oh no, I know. It’s hard to get him to do something he doesn’t want to” Sam replied with a side glance at Bucky who was standing in front of the guns. He seemed to weight his options until he finally picked a small handgun.

“Okay then, show me” Tony said and positioned himself so that he had a good view of the arm. Bucky quickly fired all the rounds and it must have been impressive because Tony heard Sam whistle when Bucky stopped. Tony himself had been too occupied with the movements of the arm to spare Bucky’s aim a glance.

When Bucky began to disable the gun Tony wished he would have looked away sooner because it was just like the night Tony had tried to provoke the Soldier to shoot him. The motions were the same and when Tony looked up he expected to see the mask and the usual look the Soldier had when he looked at Tony but of course that didn’t happen.

Bucky looked guarded, ready to bolt and even Sam looked a bit confused. Tony realized that he had his hands in fists at his side and he could only imagine what his face looked like, so he forced himself to smile at them and relax his hands.

“Thanks, that’s all I need from here. Anything else you want to do?” Tony really wanted to leave right now but he had promised Bucky he would take care of the arm and he sure as hell would stand by his word.

They went to the gym next where Sam and Bucky went through a few motions and Tony was really glad that he had never seen the Soldier fight or this would have stirred some memories as well. It was bad enough that Bucky had lost nothing of the grace and deadliness the Soldier had moved with and the body language was so similar that it hurt.

Tony had to concentrate hard on the arm so that he wouldn’t let any of his emotions show and when he did that he saw how damaged the arm really was.

After ten minutes Sam and Bucky stopped and Bucky turned towards Tony. “I wanna be able to fight” he said and Tony sighed.

“You want to come out with us on missions.” Bucky only shrugged but it was clear that that was the goal. “Fine. Let’s move to the workshop so I can take a look.”

Bucky and Sam obediently followed him and when Tony settled Bucky down on a bench so that he could work on the arm, Sam kept close. Tony assumed that working on the arm was associated with bad memories, even the Soldier had expected pain every time Tony had worked on the arm and he had been memory wiped, but Bucky seemed calm enough with Sam nearby.

Tony slowly removed the outer plates and he made sure to explain exactly what he was doing so that Bucky could follow his every step. The interior of the arm was even worse than when Tony last looked at it and he wasn’t so sure that repairing the damage would make a difference. He told Bucky as much but he insisted that they’d do this first.

Tony shrugged and got to work but when he closed the arm up again he really wasn’t happy with his progress. It was patchwork at best and he was pretty sure that the arm would cram up if it took a direct hit. Tony voiced his worry but Bucky wouldn’t even talk about getting the new arm and in the end Tony couldn’t force him. It wasn’t like he would ever do that but Bucky seemed to suspect that and there was genuine surprise on his face when Tony let him go without mentioning it again.

Tony told Steve that he thought the arm was a liability but Steve trusted Bucky to make the right choice and so there was nothing more Tony could do.

After that Tony spend a bit more time in the general vicinity of Bucky, just to keep an eye on the arm of course, and by doing that he learned quite a few things he wasn’t aware of before.

The most important one was that Bucky never fell back on the Winter Solider.

He had some therapists who suggested he should try that to take control over that particular part of himself but Bucky refused. Before Bruce had left he had trained with Bucky after it became clear that during sparring sessions his body automatically returned to the Winter Soldier mode as they called it and Bucky could feel the Soldier at the edge of his very being.

During this short training with Bruce it became clear that it would be fairly easy to just let the Soldier break through but instead of learning how to cope with it Bucky decided to never let it come to that. When he was asked why he refused to try it, Bucky explained that whenever the Soldier took over like that, it had happened a few times during the past weeks, Bucky kind of blacked out. He knew he had lost time and control but he never had any recollection of what happened while the Soldier took over.

So he learned how to balance that particularly thin line to keep the Soldier at bay, continued his training even when Bruce was gone, and when he proudly told Steve he could feel when the Soldier was dangerously close to the surface and that he could push him back, he also demanded that they started sparring again. Tony had to turn away at that, the situation on the shooting range had proved that he couldn’t be trusted with his facial reactions.

Steve of course was delighted because it was no secret that a big part of Bucky’s reclusiveness stemmed from the fear that he would lose control and the Soldier would kill them all and Bucky would only wake up to their dead bodies.

While Steve was proud all Tony wanted to do was scream. It wasn't fair he knew that, he saw how it ate at Bucky, that constant fear, but Tony really just wanted the Soldier back. And to know that he was so close that he was right there under all the control Bucky constantly exercised was more than frustrating. Tony even thought about punching Bucky. Maybe that would catch him off guard and then the Soldier could push through.

But even though Tony did not act on that impulse it wasn’t long until something set Bucky off and the Soldier broke out.

Steve and Bucky had been sparring while Tony lingered in the background, waiting for his round with Steve. Steve had insisted that Tony needed more training, more hand-to-hand combat experience, so that he could hold his own even without the suit and Tony had put up a fight but secretly he agreed. He didn’t feel particularly save outside of his suit during a fight and it would be nice to know that he could at least inflict some damage. There was no actual need for him to be here yet, Steve had promised to call him, but Tony really needed to check on the arm. He still wasn’t convinced that it wouldn’t fall apart at the lightest touch but so far everything was good.

Besides, it was really something else, watching Steve and Bucky fight. They were fast and graceful but Tony could still tell that neither of them held anything back and while none of them were out to hurt the other they were still vicious in their attacks.

Right until Steve went for Bucky’s head and Bucky was a fraction too slow to block the hit with his metal arm or pull away, so Steve hit him right in his temple. Bucky immediately went down on his knee, obviously dizzy and Steve was by his side a second later.

“Buck, are you okay? I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry” he rambled but Bucky didn’t answer.

He slowly shook his head and Tony could tell that there was a distinctive shift in his posture. He reminded him more of the Soldier all of a sudden and Tony heard himself inhale sharply. Bucky’s head snapped around to him and, yes, that was the Soldier right there.

It should be laughable how easy it was for Tony to recognize him when even Steve hadn’t picked up on the change yet but when the Soldier rose to his feet Tony nearly forgot how to breathe.

Of course Bucky moved like the Soldier, according to the sparse video material they had he still fought like the Soldier, you didn’t forget 70 years of training that easily, but he was lacking the deadly calm and the effectiveness that seemed to be part of the Soldier and it was all right there now.

The Soldier didn’t take his eyes off of Tony when he made his way across the gym and Tony felt glued to the spot just by that intent glare. Steve was still talking to Bucky but Tony was too concentrated on the Soldier to understand what he was saying.

The Soldier had nearly crossed half the gym when Steve obviously realized that something was wrong. Tony still wasn’t moving, though he desperately wanted to reach out for the Soldier, and the Soldier was still moving towards him, seemingly urgent all of a sudden.

Steve must have realized the change now because in the next second he was standing in front of the Soldier, blocking Tony’s view so he stepped a bit to the side to get a better look. Steve was talking to the Soldier urgently again, telling Bucky to come back, to get a grip and Tony really wished he wouldn’t.

The Soldier had stopped though and now it was Tony who was walking towards him only for Steve to indicate to him to stand back. Still, Tony couldn’t help but make two more steps into their direction and that caught the Soldier’s attention again and he immediately started to move towards Tony.

Steve caught him by the arm and suddenly they were fighting again. The Soldier aimed to hurt Steve, Tony could see that, but Steve only tried to restrain him and after a few vicious blows he took from the Soldier he managed it. Steve wrestled the Soldier down, tightly securing him with his legs and talked to him again. This time he seemed to break through because the Soldier blinked a few times and then he was gone and Bucky was back.

Tony felt like someone had pulled the rug out from under his feet and had to turn away. It was so clearly Bucky again now and Tony really couldn’t deal with this. He realized that there was a slight tremor in his hands and he quickly balled them up though he was pretty certain that Steve would attribute it to being afraid of the Soldier.

As if Steve had heard his thoughts he turned to him now, still sitting partly on Bucky, and asked “Are you alright?”

Tony blinked a few times before he plastered a grin on his face. “Sure, I’m fine, just peachy.” He made a move towards the door and Steve frowned. “Just remembered I have somewhere to be. Other than here.”

He didn’t wait for Steve to call him out on the obvious lie and just fled the room. Tony didn’t even try to walk slowly, to hide that he was fleeing, they would just assume it was because he was afraid, and he only stopped when he reached the kitchen.

He stood in the middle of the room uncertain of what to do. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to smash something or drink himself stupid, or if he wanted to do one thing first and then start with the other but before he could decide Steve and Bucky came after him.

Steve seemed apologetic and he kept himself angled towards Bucky as if he would need to restrain him again while Bucky seemed too tightly wound but he didn’t even hesitated before he said “I am so sorry.”

Tony nearly choked on his hysterical laugh but he managed to say “Oh, yeah? What for? Nothing happened.” He didn’t mention how badly he wished that something would have happened, that he wished Bucky wouldn’t have regained control so quickly but he kept silent.

“No, I’m sorry, I should have told you earlier” Bucky went on and Steve turned towards him in surprise.

“Should have told him what?” he inquired and Bucky seemed even more apologetic.

“You know when the Soldier is close to the surface, how I can feel that?” he asked them and gestured idly with his hand, though his eyes never left Tony. Steve nodded and Bucky didn’t even wait for Tony’s response before he went on. “I can also, sense him, in a way. I know that he pays attention to everything that is happening and I can feel him. What he wants.”

“Okay?” Steve said, obviously unsure where this was going.

Tony really wished the world would end right now so he wouldn’t have to listen to Bucky talking about the Soldier and by the way Bucky was talking it was painfully clear that Tony wouldn’t like what Bucky had to say about the Soldier’s wishes.

Bucky seemed to have problems finding the next words and so Steve gently prompted “What does he want, Bucky?”

Bucky finally tore his eyes away from Tony to look at Steve and he took a deep breath before he said “He wants to kill Tony.”

Tony saw Bucky’s mouth move but the sound needed a few seconds longer to reach him and then he felt numb all over. He didn’t react even when Steve quickly glanced over and then Bucky went right on.

“It’s all he can think about. Whenever he comes close to the surface the first thought I get from him is about you, always you, and I thought it was save, I really did, I had it under control, so I didn’t tell anyone, but look what happened, he nearly reached you, he would have killed you right there, and I am so sorry I didn’t say anything” Bucky rambled obviously distraught at the thought of more blood on his hands but Tony didn’t process a thing he said.

He was still stuck on the killing part and he was glad that Steve was there to react properly because he sure as hell couldn’t.

Steve grabbed Bucky’s upper arm to calm him down and Bucky did seem grounded at the contact though he was still wringing his hands. “It’s okay, Bucky. Nothing happened, right Tony? You’re alright and the Soldier had no chance to do anything.”

Tony realized that Steve expected him to say something and he distantly heard himself say “Sure. Nothing happened” but he wasn’t really paying attention to that.

“We’ll keep a closer eye on you, Buck. He won’t get a chance to hurt anymore people” Steve reassured Bucky who took a deep breath.

“I don’t know why it’s so important to him. He knows that there is no more Hydra he has to report to. He understands that. It’s like they conditioned him….me, to kill Tony. Like that is his sole purpose in this world.”

Tony realized that he had lifted his hand, probably to put them over his hears, he really didn’t want to hear this, but he stopped when Steve looked questioningly at him. Tony was very aware all of a sudden that he wasn’t reacting properly, that they expected a certain reaction from him and he quickly gathered himself. There would be time to fall apart at all this later. Now he needed to make sure that they didn’t get suspicious.

“I wasn’t quite aware that Hydra would want me dead so badly, but it makes sense. They killed my parents, why stop there? Did I ever tell you that Hydra tried to get their greedy little hands on my suit? Killing me would only be logical. This doesn’t come as a surprise” Tony said and he was proud at how stable his voice sounded.

“They went for your suit?” Steve asked and seemed surprised at that.

“What do you think? I paraded around claiming I privatized peace. They didn’t want that. Senator Stern tried everything he could to force me to hand it over. It didn’t quite work like he wanted, though, so it’s alright.”

“I didn’t know that” Steve mumbled and Tony shrugged.

“Yeah, point is, this is not as much a surprise as you might think” Tony said now to Bucky. “I will just make sure not to be there when you two spar or when something upsets you and we’ll be golden. You got a pretty close lid on it anyway so I don’t worry.”

Tony was aware that he talked too fast but since that was his default mode when he was stressed it shouldn’t be too much of a surprise to them. He carefully didn’t mention that he would avoid Bucky otherwise now too, he was pretty sure that Steve wouldn’t approve of that, but Tony knew that he couldn’t quite bear to be around Bucky anytime soon. But they didn’t need to know that and Tony really needed to get away now.

“Okay, since we got that cleared up, I really have to be somewhere now, that wasn’t as much of a lie as you might think, so excuse me.”

He was still talking too fast he realized but he couldn’t change that now and he pushed past Steve and Bucky, very careful not to touch the latter. He stepped into the elevator, sending one last smile their way before the door closed and he could let the mask crumble.

Jarvis send the elevator down to his workshop when Tony wasn’t even able to push the button and when the elevator stopped he tumbled out only to immediately let himself fall down on the couch.

Dummy wheeled over, whirring questioningly at him, and Tony couldn’t help but laugh. “It’s all fucked up now, Dummy.”

The bot didn’t seem to understand him because he whirled away but when he came back with a bottle of whiskey Tony patted his head. “I knew you would understand, buddy” he said while he took the bottle and took a generous sip. It burned his throat but it also helped him to not think too much and Tony knew that he would be horribly drunk in no time at all.

He couldn’t even bring himself to care though and so he took another sip. This was really not how he had imagined his afternoon to go.

The Soldier had been the one constant thing throughout Tony’s life even if they met very irregularly at best, but the Soldier had stayed with Tony for his whole life and he was there during some very important parts of it. When Bucky had come back to the tower Tony had hoped that that would continue, that the Soldier would still be there for him but when Tony had realized that that wouldn’t happen he had been hurt.

To know that the Soldier was still right there, that he was lurking right under the surface, had been another blow Tony could only barely take. But to hear now that the Soldier was conscious enough to process everything that had happened, and lucid enough to want to kill Tony, that only gave him the rest.

Tony tried to ignore what Bucky had said, he tried to rationalize it, but Bucky had had a few close calls with the Soldier over the course of the last weeks and whenever Tony happened to be in the room when that happened Bucky, or the Soldier, had made short little aborted movements into his direction, until Bucky had him back under control.

Since Tony had witnessed quite a few of those small incidents, and of course now after what happened in the gym, he was convinced that Bucky spoke the truth when he said that the Soldier wanted to kill him.

Tony didn’t know if he wanted to laugh at that or cry because of it and in the end he just lifted the bottle again. That seemed easier.

The Soldier had been with him his whole life, always there, and while he wasn’t big on emotions Tony was certain that he had cared. Well, seemed like Tony had been wrong again. It wouldn’t be the first time that he read a person wrong.

It only made Tony wonder why the Soldier never did it. It wasn’t like he didn’t have the opportunity. If it was true what the Soldier told him, and he had no reason to lie, he didn’t even know his own name back then why would he lie?, they had met when Tony had just been two years old.

There were more or less regular meetings from the age of seven. That was nearly four decades of opportunities to kill him. And yet the Soldier had never made a move, not like he just had in the gym.

And Tony had been vulnerable, not only the night when his parents died but nearly every time after that, dealing with the arc reactor and dying and he probably wouldn’t even have put up a fight if the Soldier had tried to kill him.

Maybe the Soldier had come to him the night he killed his parents to finish the job but he had ended up saving his life, he had obviously cared that night, enough to call Rhodey, to make sure that someone would come over, so that was a thing to consider.

Tony groaned at that. It just didn’t make sense to him. What Bucky had said went against everything Tony had experienced with the Soldier. But Bucky had sounded so sure, so certain, that the only goal the Soldier had now was to kill Tony. Maybe the Soldier wanted to cover up how badly he had fucked up when he still had been with Hydra though that didn’t make any sense either.

Tony drowned his desperate laugh in more booze and whished Rhodey would come back like last time but he was on an assignment and Tony wasn’t even allowed to call him, Rhodey had been very adamant on that.

But that only left Tony with his bottle and the very confused bots but he guessed it could be worse. Probably.

He drank until he convinced himself that the reason why he was drinking in the first place wasn’t so bad at all and he held on to that thought right until Pepper walked in.

Tony kind of lost it when she came in and he barely managed to hold back the tears. He blamed the alcohol for them. Pepper didn’t seem to get that it was only the alcohols’ fault because she was at his side a second later.

“What happened?” she asked and warily eyed the more than half empty bottle.

“Nothing. Nothing happened. Like always” Tony said and his voice was still steady. He needed a few seconds to realize that Pepper shouldn’t be here, Pepper was busy running his company, she didn’t have time to be here. “Whatcha doing here, Pep?” he asked and she sighed.

“Jarvis called me.”

“Why would he do that? He knows you’re busy.”

“Sir, Colonel Rhodes and I came to the understanding that you would need someone if the situation changed. Since Colonel Rhodes is not available I took the liberty to call Miss Potts.”

“What situation, Tony?” Pepper asked and took the bottle from him.

Tony groaned. He knew he wouldn’t get her to drink with him. “No situation, there is none, Jarvis has a glitch, it’s nothing.” When he saw the look on her face he remembered that telling her ‘it’s nothing’ and telling her that Jarvis wasn’t working right were probably the fastest ways to get her suspicious.

“Jarvis does not have a glitch, Tony, and you know that. What is going on here?”

“The situation changed” Tony admitted but before Pepper could ask what exactly that situation was he went right on. “Rhodey thinks I can’t handle it myself but he’s wrong. I can. I just need this one day to drown myself, okay?”

Pepper put the bottle away and carded her fingers through his hair. Tony leaned into the touch, it was comforting and exactly what he needed right now. “No, not okay, Tony. Rhodey might be unreasonably worried but Jarvis is worried too. And if both of them feel the need to be worried about you I trust their judgment. So you will tell me what’s going on.”

“I will not. It doesn’t matter, Pepper. It won’t change anything. It won’t make a damn difference if I tell you or not so, please, can you just leave?” Tony’s emotions were all over the place as it was, retelling the whole story surely wouldn’t improve anything. Not to mention that there really was nothing Pepper could do and he didn’t need her to look at him with pity.

“Sir, I am afraid the elevator is out of order.”

“You sneaky little AI” Tony mumbled while Pepper sat down next to him.

“So, Jarvis obviously really doesn’t want me to go. I advise you talk to me right now, that would make things so much easier.”

Tony let his head fall against the arm off the couch. “Pepper, I’m sure you’re busy. There is no need to stay here. I am perfectly able to take care of this myself. Besides, there isn’t even anything to take care of, okay. It’s just me being stupid and even you can’t cure that.”

“Tony, the last time you behaved this strangely was before the Mandarin attacks.”

“Yeah, well, that was two years ago. I think I’m entitled to another one of my fits.”

“Tony” Pepper sighed and put her hand on his arm. “This is not a fit. Don’t you think I know when you’re hurting? I just don’t always know why and I think I’m missing something here.”

“You’re not the only one who is missing something” he mumbled under his breath but he could see that Pepper had heard him.

“Who else is missing something?” she asked and Tony closed his eyes. Though that didn’t help with anything so he snapped them back open.

“No one, Pepper, really. Look, I get that you’re worried, but this is nothing new. Just another thing I can’t have. I got it thrown in my face today, so I need some time, but that’s it, really.”

He had thought he was getting sober already but when he heard himself utter those words he knew that he was still drunk. Those were exactly the wrong things to say to Pepper and he knew that. When he was sober he knew that. But apparently he didn’t right now and he cursed the alcohol and his own weakness. He really needed to stop drinking. This only brought him more problems than it solved.

Pepper looked surprised now her hand halfway to her mouth and her eyes were big. “Tony, the last time you said something like that you were in love with me and you thought I wouldn’t return it.”

Tony flinched at that because that was not a good comparison. That was not at all what was happening here. He wanted to tell Pepper that but he couldn’t bring the words out and Pepper’s eyes softened.

“Oh Tony” she whispered and he really couldn’t stand it right now. When she extended her hand to him he got up from the couch, away from her and that look in her eyes, and he kept his back to her. This was exactly why he hadn’t called her. She always, always got him to talk and sometimes that was the last thing he wanted to do. Like right now.

“Who is it?” she whispered and he could tell that she got up, was closer to him now than he really liked and he went to his workbench, to put more space between them but also because he felt like he needed something to hold on to. He braced his hands on the workbench and let his head hang down, too tired to put any energy into holding it up.

“Pepper, can we not do this? It’s not like you think. This is not…I’m not…you don’t understand.”

“Then explain it to me.” Her voice was still barely over a whisper but she seemed to keep her distance now and he was grateful for it. Tony didn’t know if he could handle any contact right now.

He huffed at himself because what the actual fuck, he had no idea what was happening right now, but when he swallowed he knew that he wanted to tell Pepper everything. She deserved to know, he knew that, he just wasn’t sure what he would say, if he could even say it, but luckily Jarvis knew him well enough to suddenly chime in.

“Sir, if you allow, there is still the file you compiled for Colonel Rhodes. I kept it updated, just in case.”

“What about the…most recent situation?” Tony asked and braced himself some more on the workbench.

“I uploaded it as well.”

So everything was right there, caught on tape or in files, ready to be reviewed like it was just another one of his projects. He gave a curt nod to Jarvis who immediately addressed Pepper.

Tony tried to blend the explanations out, he didn’t need to hear this again, first meeting at two, no solid data for that, it was all right there in his head after all and he mentally went through some unfinished codes to keep his mind occupied. He startled out of it when Pepper’s hand was suddenly on his shoulder again.

“Why didn’t you tell them?” she softly asked and Tony snorted. He had asked himself that question over and over again but there was nothing that could be done now.

“I thought he would remember” he eventually said lowly and Pepper kept her hand on his shoulder. “When he didn’t…” he trailed off but Pepper knew him better than anyone else.

“You panicked” she finished the sentence for him and Tony nodded. “Why don’t you tell them now?” she asked and Tony turned around to her.

“I missed my chance, Pepper. If I tell them now, they’ll think I’m lying.”

She frowned. “Why would you lie about something like that? And besides, you have all the evidence right there.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s too late now to clear it up. What do you want me to tell them? ‘Oh yeah, by the way, I knew the Soldier before but I didn’t recognize Bucky Barnes’? They are never going to believe me and Steve will kill me. After Bucky is done with me. I can’t tell them now.”

“Tony, did it ever occur to you that maybe telling Bucky would trigger his memories?” she questioned him and Tony had to put some distance between them. He didn’t need that kind of hope right now.

“That’s not helping. Didn’t you pay attention? The Soldier wants to kill me.”

Pepper sounded incredulous when she answered. “Tony, didn’t you pay attention? Did you actually look any of the videos? I don’t believe he wants to kill you.”

Now Tony whirled back around to her. “Oh, yeah. And what else does he want to do, huh? I mean maybe that was his last mission: kill Steve Rogers and Tony Stark.”

“Do you even listen to yourself? For a genius you are pretty dumb right now.” Tony didn’t reply to that and just looked at Pepper, daring her to say anything else. “Think, Tony. If that was his last mission, he would have attacked Steve. He was right there, they were fighting and while the Soldier was still trying to hurt Steve he only wanted to get to you. It would have been so easy for him to kill Steve right then and there. And yet he didn’t.”

“Maybe he wants to kill me to hide how he fucked up when he was still with Hydra” Tony exclaimed and threw his hands in the air. He really didn’t need that right now. There had been a reason why he came down here to drink and to get hope from Pepper was certainly not it.

“Don’t” he pleaded with her when she opened her mouth again and thankfully she listened to him. “I just want…can we not talk about it anymore?” he asked her and knew he sounded defeated.

“I just think” she began but something on his face must have told her to stop because after one look at him she instead said “Fine. Let’s not talk about it anymore.”

Tony could see that she was still really worried but he just couldn’t handle this right now. “I will not give you back your bottle, though” she said as she walked over to it and scooped it up.

“Didn’t think you would” Tony sighed and tried to smile at her while he settled down at his workbench.

“And you will not spend the majority of any day down here just because you want to avoid Bucky.” Tony winced at that because that had actually been his plan. “This is your home and your mess and you will not avoid any of them, do you understand me?” Pepper was stern and Tony knew that he couldn’t say no to her. That hadn’t changed even after they broke up.

“Okay, okay, fine. It’s not like I didn’t managed before.”

“But now it’s different, isn’t it?” Pepper softly asked him and Tony shrugged. “Not really, I guess. He still doesn’t remember me. That didn’t change.”

Pepper threw him a glance at that. “Fine. Be stubborn about that. That is actually good.” This time he managed to give her a real smile and she straightened up. “I will check in regularly, not only with you but also with Jarvis since he is more reliable than you.”

“I object to that” Tony said but he did so with a smile. Pepper smiled back at him when she took the bottle.

“Will that be all, Mr. Stark?” she asked and that was so familiar and comfortable that he instantly felt better.

“That would be all, Miss Potts” he gave the usual answer and watched Pepper walk out of the workshop.

Only when she was out of sight did he slump down. He was still a bit drunk and this whole thing hadn’t helped at all except that now he had a nagging voice in his head that insisted that maybe Bucky was wrong and Tony really couldn’t do with that spark of hope right now.

He went go get another bottle of whiskey from his floor but when he was there he thought that maybe sleep would be better for now. This day had been long enough.

Chapter Text

Tony managed. Somehow he managed to live in the same space as Bucky. It wasn’t easy neither for him nor Bucky who was tiptoeing round him like Tony was the one who wanted to kill him. It was almost ironic.

What hurt though, was the fact that the Soldier had never been so cautious around him. Sure, the Soldier had seemed wary at the beginning of every meeting but now that Tony could see the facial expression that accompanied being cautious he was pretty sure the Soldier had been rather careful than wary. Maybe a bit unsure but never afraid of Tony. Unlike now.

While Tony had thought that they were past the whole ‘I-killed-your-parents’ mess it seemed like it got replaced with the new confession Bucky had made. And now it looked like Bucky was just waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Tony to finally throw him out, or maybe even worse. Steve seemed to expect that too, he was very polite all of a sudden and very awkward around Tony but in the end it was Sam who mentioned it.

Somehow they had all managed to show up in the kitchen at the same time. To everyone’s surprise they were all there to eat, even Tony, but when they took a look in the fridge there were no leftovers of anything. Tony was ready to go back to the workshop, already deciding that food wasn’t that important right now, while Steve clearly wanted to order in and Bucky just looked like he regretted being there.

When Tony caught Sam’s eye, the other man sighed. “Okay, I’m cooking. Tony you will assist.”

“Why me? Why not your super bff’s?”

“You’re closest to the fridge” Sam said while he pulled out a few pots. “I’ll need some things.” He listed everything he would need and Tony dutifully brought it all over to him. Sam put Steve and Bucky on chopping duty and they complied without protest.

They were all working silently when Sam suddenly said “So, everyone’s wondering when you’ll throw us out.”

Tony wasn’t sure who was more startled at that: Bucky, Steve or himself. Tony briefly glanced over to them but Bucky refused to lift his eyes and seemed to expect some kind of blow while Steve just waited for the sentence to be spoken. When Tony looked back at Sam he could see the smug smile he had on his face.

Tony sighed. “I thought I made myself clear” he said and refused to meet anyone’s eyes. “You’re free to live here as long as you like.”

Sam turned around to Steve and Bucky but before he could say anything Steve spoke. “If you say ‘I told you so’ I will throw this knife at you” he said without even stopping chopping.

Sam obviously suppressed the words and turned back around to his pot though he didn’t manage to hide is smile. Tony had already turned back to stirring the contents of one pot when Sam nudged him in the side. Tony looked at him and Sam rolled his eyes while he pointed at Steve and Bucky at the table. Bucky was still very busy cutting his vegetables but Steve looked like he wanted to say something but was uncertain about it.

“Oh god, Steve, just get it out” Tony exclaimed and Bucky nearly chopped of his finger.

“It’s just…we thought that after…”

“My last drinking experience you would no longer be welcome here.”

Steve grimaced at that and said “I was going with ‘the last incident’ but yes.”

“Just because I can’t handle shit and deal badly with it doesn’t mean I’m gonna throw you out.”

“We just don’t want to make you uncomfortable. This is your home after all.”

Now it was Tony’s time to roll his eyes. “The only thing that makes me uncomfortable is your politeness lately. It’s unnerving. And you” he said and pointed at Bucky who finally looked up to him “stop tiptoeing around this place. I am not breakable, you know.”

Bucky hunched over the plate and when he spoke it was so low that Tony nearly missed it. “Thought you wanted to avoid me.”

“If I wanted to avoid you I’d have Jarvis tell me where you are so I wouldn’t run into you. Since that is not the case, relax, will you?”

Tony felt a bit like a hypocrite, giving that advice, since he wouldn’t be comfortable around Bucky any time soon, but it wasn’t as if any of the others knew so it was all good.

Bucky gave a sharp nod but Tony believed that it was unlikely that Bucky would relax in the near future. He always seemed stressed or on edge, he even managed to look stressed when he meditated, even though he swore that it helped, so this was probably as good at it got.

When neither Steve nor Bucky added anything else Tony turned back around to his pot, noticing that the sauce seemed to have burned a bit. He quickly stirred it again but he guessed the damage was done.

“I told them they were being idiots and that you would throw them out if you really wanted to but no one listened to me” Sam said and he practically shouted the last part over to the table only to be hit in the head with a piece of carrot. Tony managed not to snort at that but it was a close call.

After that things got a bit more relaxed. No one changed their ways to please the other and Steve stopped being so horribly polite. Bucky seemed still a bit uncomfortable but Tony wasn’t sure if that was still because of him or if that was just how Bucky was these days.

Steve told Tony that he was doing much better than he had before but Tony only believed it when Bucky came to his workshop on his own.

Tony was busy improving Sam’s wings when Jarvis said “Sergeant Barnes wishes to enter the workshop.”

Tony saved the simulations he had made and indicated to Jarvis to open the door. Bucky came in but didn’t say anything and after a short while Tony asked “So what can I do for you?”

Bucky moved the metal arm and said “I can’t close the hand.”

Tony pointed at the workbench they usually worked on now after Bucky had lost it when Tony had suggested the chair. Tony opened the arm up, still explaining what he was doing even though he was pretty sure Bucky could recite it back to him by now but when he looked inside he stopped talking for a second to assess the damage.

“This doesn’t look good.”

“Just fix it” Bucky pressed out and didn’t look at the arm.

Tony carefully prodded at a few of the cables before he looked at Bucky again. “I need to replace a few of them.”

“Fine” Bucky snapped and Tony sighed.

“This will probably hurt. And as long as I can’t replace big pieces it is only a temporary fix until the next part breaks. The new arm…”

“I don’t want a new one. Just fix this one.”

Tony let out another deep sigh and held on to his patience by a threat. “I have to build the cables first. It will take some time.”

Bucky shrugged as best as he could with the metal arm still open on a plate and Tony began to close the arm again. He told Bucky Jarvis would call him when he was done and when Bucky was gone he immediately started.

It was a bit difficult because he had to figure out what exactly the corroded cables were doing but when that was done it wasn’t that much of a challenge anymore. It needed some tinkering until everything looked like the ones in the arm but it didn’t take him longer than a day.

When Bucky came into the workshop again he walked directly over to the workbench and Tony followed. It was tricky work, attaching the cables again, and he was sure it hurt Bucky more than he let on, but Tony wasn’t about to bring up the new arm again. If Bucky was dead set on not taking it then fine. Tony could live with that.

But that was only true as long as Bucky didn’t do more with the arm than the occasional sparring with Steve and Tony forgot all about it when Steve announced a week later that Bucky would join them in their team training and then on missions.

Steve had set mandatory training sessions for the team so that they could work on their teamwork and Tony had built a special obstacle course for that. It was after one of their sessions that Steve announced this and Clint, Natasha and Sam seemed all fine with it.

Tony definitely wasn’t and he lingered around to tell Steve exactly that. “You can’t take him out with us on missions. His arm is a liability. It is degrading quickly and will not hold during a fight.”

“And what do you suggest? Let him rot in the tower forever?”

“Make the new arm I built a condition. He cannot go out and fight with that broken thing.”

Steve’s face got serious at that. “You want me to force the new arm on him?”

“No. It’s still his choice. There are consequences to the choice like with everything else.”

“I won’t do that.”

“Steve, one solid hit is all it takes. The arm will crumble. Quite literally I’m afraid” Tony explained and really hoped he could get Steve on his side but that didn’t seem likely.

“I will not force this on him. He doesn’t want a new arm. And it holds up fine during sparring.”

“Because you take care not to hit it too hard. That won’t happen in a real fight.”

“I said no. It’s his decision if he wants the arm and it’s also his decision if he wants to get back out there. I will not tie those two together.” With that Steve left and Tony wanted to punch something. This was not going to end well.

When Bucky joined them on their next training it was a bit ridiculous how easily he fitted in with them. He preferred to be the sniper of the team and while Clint had not been happy with that decision at first he was all on board with it now since it meant he could mingle a bit more in the fight. While Bucky was excellent with his rifle he was also a force in the field. He was a heavy hitter, just like Steve and Thor and he was as quick and graceful as Clint and Natasha. It was a bit unfair really.

After five more or less flawless practices Steve decided that Bucky could come out with them. Everyone seemed quite excited about that but Tony had one last concern.

“Not to dampen the mood or anything but what about the Soldier?” he asked and only barely stumbled over the last part. When everyone looked questioningly at him he elaborated. “The last time Bucky got hit he lost control. What if that happens in the fight? If he loses focus and one of us has to stop him?”

Everyone looked a bit solemn at that prospective and in the end it was Bucky himself who spoke up. “I can handle it. I’ve got better at it.”

“Tony has a point” Clint said. “You got better at it during practice. No one can say what will happen during a real fight.”

Steve seemed to contemplate that for a bit before he said “We can choose the first battle carefully. Maybe something not world endangering first. Though, don’t get me wrong, if we need help, he doesn’t stay here.”

Tony was by no means happy with that but Steve also didn’t sound like he would budge on that and so Tony just shrugged.

“Sure. It’s only my life” he mumbled under his breath and was glad that no one heard him.

~~~~~*~~~~~

The first mission Bucky was allowed to come to were big butterflies.

No one thought the Avengers would have to come out for that but it turned out the butterflies were not only huge but also dumb and clumsy. They crashed into everything and one beat with their wings was enough to topple over cars and when the first one crashed into a building and brought it down the Avengers were called in.

Since it was the first time Bucky was out in a real fight since he got away from Hydra everyone was a bit wary that he would fall back on the Winter Soldier. Tony was secretly hoping for that, not that he would ever say that out loud, and he felt bad for it.

He tried to stay away from Bucky during the fight since Tony knew that he wouldn’t be able to concentrate if he stayed close to him and also because if Bucky would fall back on the Soldier and the Soldier really wanted to kill him he didn’t want to be in close proximity.

He had Jarvis monitor the arm though because he was still convinced it would break down sooner rather than later. Tony new that it was inevitable and he wanted to know the second it happened.

They had taken down nearly half of the butterflies, it really wasn’t that hard, it was not like they actively fought back, when Bucky suddenly didn’t respond to calls on the coms anymore and Tony could see from high above that he was moving more like the Soldier now. Tony was drawn to the Soldier and flew down almost on instinct before he caught himself and concentrated on the insects again.

The team was suddenly tense for entirely different reasons than the butterflies and the massive destruction they caused and Steve ordered someone to stay close to Bucky without crowding him in or posing as a threat. Since Tony and Sam were high up in the sky and the most effective against the big insects and Natasha was with Steve and too far away it fell to Clint to watch Bucky.

Tony kept an eye on them while he took down another one of the giant insects and he saw how Clint warily crept closer to Bucky. The Soldier didn’t seem to notice him, fully engrossed in shooting down a butterfly that had come dangerously close to Tony, who was too distracted to really notice, but Clint kept his distance nonetheless. It wasn’t like anyone knew how the Soldier reacted to other people.

“Too scared to babysit?” Tony couldn’t help but ask to lighten the undoubtedly tense mood and he could practically feel the glare Clint threw him.

“How about I shoot you down, then you can take over” Clint retorted and before anyone knew what happened the Soldier was standing right in front of Clint, gun leveled at his face.

Tony barely heard the growled “Don’t” over the coms before Steve talked.

“What happened?” he frantically asked and Clint slowly raised his hands.

“Not sure if your buddy wants me to stop joking or if he wants me to stop existing. Woah” Clint exclaimed when the Soldier took another step into his direction, gun now pressed to Clint’s forehead.

“I’m betting it’s the jokes” Tony said and he could see the concentration of the Soldier falter.

Clint noticed it too because he said “Maybe you should keep talking, Stark.”

“Maybe you should do less of that” Tony shot back before another butterfly nearly crashed into him.

That actually required his complete concentration and Tony tried hard not to think about the fact that the Soldier was right there.

He couldn’t spare his attention, especially not now since the butterflies decided to team up on him but Jarvis informed him that Sam had joined Clint and the Soldier and seemed currently busy trying to talk the Soldier down. It seemed like he was successful because not even five minutes later Clint rejoined Natasha and Steve.

Sam stayed with Bucky and neither of them joined the fight again, even though Tony could have needed some air support. In the end it worked without Sam and when the last insect fell Steve was already sprinting towards Sam and Bucky.

Tony flew down as well and when he touched the ground he heard Bucky say “Sorry, Steve, lost control for a second.”

Steve seemed relieved but Tony was glad that he was in the armour so he didn’t have to keep his face in check because he was pretty sure he wouldn’t manage that right now. The Soldier had been there, right there, and Tony had missed his chance, again. It didn’t even matter to him that Bucky had told them that the Soldier wanted to kill him, he had all but forgotten about that in the moment, and Tony couldn’t stand the sight of Bucky right now.

He turned around and with a clipped “Meet you at the tower” he was gone before anyone could say anything.

Tony attended the debrief afterwards but he played with his phone the whole time and when he was asked why he vanished so quickly he made up some excuse about the company.

He was doing better with Bucky, that much was true, but it didn’t help with the fact that he just wanted the Soldier. Tony knew that it was wrong and he should be happy that Bucky seemed to have more control over the Soldier now but the truth was that Tony missed the Soldier.

He missed that he suddenly showed up, he missed that the Soldier trusted him even though Tony had nothing done to deserve that and he missed their meetings in the park.

Tony had still went there in the first few weeks after Bucky came to the tower but he had stopped once Bucky admitted that the Soldier wanted to kill him. After that it had just hurt too much to go back there.

And now all he had where those brief moments where the Soldier broke through Bucky’s control and it always made his heart race. Tony attributed that to the fear of being killed and didn’t examine it further.

After that first mission Bucky was benched for some time because while the Soldier hadn’t hurt Clint or Sam no one was sure if that would stay that way and so Bucky had to stay behind when there was another call for the Avengers.

Tony could tell that Bucky was bitter about that, he just wanted to fight, but he certainly would not be the one to change Steve’s mind. Tony was still worried about the arm and was actually glad that Bucky didn’t put more strain on it than he already did.

When Bucky came to him again because the arm was stuck in one position, Tony laid out some rules for the use of the arm.

“No heavy stuff. No weight lifting, no push-ups with this arm. It won’t hold forever and you wear it down even quicker. So stop it” he mumbled into Bucky’s arm while he tried to connect one end of the new cable with the plate it belonged to.

It was more difficult every time Bucky came back and Tony wasn’t sure how long he would be able to patch it up. He had told Bucky that, again, but he had just looked at Tony and said “But it looks fine to me.”

Tony had refrained to roll his eyes but he was pretty sure he sounded exasperated when he answered. “It looks fine from the outside because that is pretty decent metal, nearly as good as my suit. The inside is what worries me. It is crumbling.”

“Then make it stop” Bucky said and Tony closed the last panel with more force than necessary.

“If only it would be so easy” he said and turned away from Bucky.

Tony had tried to bring up the new arm a few more times but Bucky had shot him down every single time and now Tony was just waiting for the arm to finally give out so that Bucky couldn’t do anything else but accept the arm. It strained Tony’s nerves to just wait for the damage to be done but since Bucky was pretty stubborn that was the only thing he could do.

The arm held out long enough for Steve to allow Bucky back in the field though and from then on a good portion of Jarvis and Tony’s attention was used up on watching the arm. Thanks to that Tony had maneuvered himself into a dangerous position more than once and when Steve called him out on being too fixated on Bucky, Tony didn’t even bother to answer.

It was pretty clear on whose side Steve was especially since the arm held up fine so far. What didn’t hold up fine was Bucky’s control over the Soldier.

By now it was already standard that the Soldier would break out during a mission and no one was really surprised anymore when it happened. So far the Soldier hadn’t attacked anyone of them and he always seemed to understand the situation because when Bucky lost control he didn’t even falter in his fight.

The only difference was that the Soldier always made his way over to Tony, no matter if he was in the air or on the ground and Steve intercepted the Soldier a few times when Tony was too busy to notice him. Tony wasn’t really too busy, he just wanted the Soldier to reach him once, only to see his course of action of course, but Steve never let it come to that and Tony didn’t know if he should be happy about that or if he wanted to curse at that.

The more missions Bucky attended the faster the Soldier broke through his control and Bucky couldn’t really explain it. If it weren’t for the fact that the Soldier very obviously still wanted to kill Tony everyone would probably have been happy about that because the Soldier was a real asset, for the lack of a better word.

Bucky was a very good fighter but the Soldier seemed more comfortable with using his strengths and he didn’t shy away from hurting his enemies if it was necessary, not in the way that Bucky was all too careful about not inflicting more damage than he needed to.

But the Soldier was still a wild card and even Steve could see that. He had brought that up in training once but it didn’t go over well.

They had all assembled at the start of the obstacle course when Steve said “So I’ve been thinking.”

Sam’s immediate respond was a mumbled “Oh god” but Steve wasn’t deterred by that.

“I think it would be really helpful if we could train with the Soldier. With Tony not present of course.”

“Kick me out of the team, why don’t you?” Tony said while the rest of the team kept silent.

“I don’t want to kick you out. I think it would be best if we could at least train with the Soldier once.” He turned to Bucky before he continued. “You lose control every time now, always faster than before. The Soldier is a liability. We don’t know how he operates. I think training with him could really help us.”

“He was trained in the Red Room, Steve” Natasha said. “We usually don’t do teamwork.”

“You seem to do fine” Tony pointed out and Natasha smiled a bit at him.

“It was a long way. Just ask Clint.”

“Oh no, don’t ask Clint, she would kill me if I ever told you how long it really took” Clint hurriedly said and just like that the mood lightened a bit.

“And that’s the reason I think we should train it here and not only hope for the best in the field” Steve explained, eyes trained on Bucky who had kept silent during this whole exchange.

When he noticed that everyone was looking at him he straightened a bit. “I will not give up control willingly” he said and before anyone could protest he mumbled “It would feel like they would win.”

That ended the discussion instantly because no one was about to make Bucky feel that way and Steve never brought it up again. And since it wasn’t like the Soldier was in their way when they fought, he just did his own thing, no one protested.

It didn’t change the fact that the Soldier still moved into Tony’s direction every chance he got and that Tony watched him more than the others.

And that was the only reason Tony was the first to notice that the inevitable finally happened.

They were fighting hippopotami, who even experimented on those, and it was a tough fight. They were roughly the same size as they should be but Tony was pretty sure they were enhanced because no animal had any right being so aggressive or so immune to attacks, not to mention that they were a lot faster than they should be according to Jarvis.

They seemed to attack humans just because they could and there were at least fifteen of them out there. Natasha and Sam were almost no help against them since bullets couldn’t pierce their thick skin and after Clint’s tranquilizer arrows did nothing to them he help rescuing civilians.

The repulsor was pretty effective against them just like Steve’s shield, the blunt force with which Steve threw it knocked them right out, and the Soldier was able to inflict some damage with his arm as well. Between the three of them they managed to take out most of the vicious animals until only two remained.

Steve was busy fighting one of them while the other sprinted towards the Soldier. The Soldier was heavily dependent on his arm, Tony had witness that before, and so it was no surprise when the Soldier extended his arm to stop the animal.

It was also no surprise that the arm couldn’t take the strain anymore and Tony was pretty sure he could actually hear the arm snap. The hippopotamus raced on and threw the Soldier into the next building. It was already pretty unstable and the animal now seemed to have a personal issue with the Soldier because it was ready to storm in right after him.

Tony couldn’t let that happen because without the arm the Soldier couldn’t do much to defend himself less alone to take the animal down and so Tony rushed in after him. Jarvis let him know that the Soldier could probably take one solid hit from the animal before something broke or worse and he displayed the integral structure of the house which wasn’t doing so good and could come down any moment. That the Soldier couldn’t take.

Tony managed to push the Soldier aside right before the animal hit him and Tony was thrown into the next wall which promptly gave out on him. Tony had time to register the anger on the Soldier’s face who was already storming towards him and the animal before he blacked out.

~~~~~*~~~~~

“What the hell were you thinking, Tony?“ was the first thing Tony heard when he opened his eyes. He was a bit disoriented and felt fuzzy but that was probably due to the throbbing headache he was sporting.

Steve was standing at the end of his hospital bed and his face was a mixture between annoyance, anger and relieve.

“Bucky?” Tony managed and instantly whished for a glass of water. His throat was dry but before he could look around if someone was so thoughtful to place one beside his bed Bucky said “I am fucking fine. That was totally unnecessary. I could have taken it down. Did so, in the end, because you were unconscious! I would have made it.”

His voice held an accusing tone and Tony wanted to answer but his throat was too dry and so he finally did look around for that water. Luck was on his side then right beside his bed was a full glass with a straw. He reached for it, taking stock of everything that hurt in the process and then eagerly drank the cool soothing water.

When he was done he looked Bucky over but he really did seem fine, except for the obviously broken metal arm, and so Tony relaxed. “According to Jarvis you wouldn’t have. My bet was better.”

Bucky wanted to say something to that, Tony could tell by the way he worked his jaw, but Steve silenced him. “You are just human, Tony. We have the serum to keep us alive” he said and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“I have the suit, Steve. It was fine. I ran the numbers and the probability that I would survive was much higher than Bucky’s.”

At that Steve stared at him. “Higher? You risked your life knowing that there was a chance, a very real chance, that you wouldn’t make it?”

“Ehm…probably? Bucky’s numbers…”

“I don’t care about Bucky’s numbers. You never risk your life like that again. Not if there’s a chance that you could die, do you understand me?”

Tony tried to sit up but the pain kept him where he was. “Yeah, right. I wanna see you say that when Bucky dies and I tell you I could have done something.” Steve took a deep breath but before he could speak again Tony went on. “Don’t bother. I would do it again, and you know it. If there’s a chance I can save anyone I will take it. No matter what you say.”

Tony carefully kept silent about the fact that he would save Bucky even if it meant is death. That wasn’t helpful and neither of them would understand and Tony would not explain it to them. It was bad enough that Bucky didn’t remember him. He would absolutely not live in a world where Bucky died because Tony did nothing.

But they didn’t need to know that and going by the daggers that Bucky was shooting him with his eyes he wouldn’t even want to know that.

“I just need you to be more careful, Tony. Please” Steve finally said and Tony shrugged.

“I’ll try. Won’t make any promises, though. Now. What’s the damage?”

As it turned out the damage was more irritating than dangerous and Tony had to wear a cast around his arm for the next few weeks.

He was annoyed after a few hours already because even if the painkillers took care of the lingering ache the cast was constricting and it didn’t let Tony work like he wanted to. And especially not like he needed to in order to fix Bucky’s arm.

Bucky came down to his workshop the day after Tony was released from the hospital and sat down on his usual bench. Luckily Tony broke his left arm, so he could still do a lot of things but definitely not enough to work on the arm.

Still, he looked it over to see what the damage was and it was devastating. The joint of the elbow only worked until a certain degree before it was stuck, the shoulder lost most of its mobility and Bucky could barely open the hand at all, let alone move the fingers or hold something. There was barely anything that was not broken and Tony really wasn’t sure if he could repair this much damage. He probably could have if the arm were in any better state before but since it had been pretty much worn down before it took the last hit there was nothing much Tony could do now.

“And?” Bucky asked when Tony took too long to say anything.

“You need a new arm” he said and looked Bucky in the eye. “There’s nothing left to salvage here.”

“No. You can repair it.” Tony had to look away at that, it sounded too much like the Soldier, but he shook his head.

“Nice to know you have some faith in me, but there is really not much I can do. The arm is totaled.”

“No. You need to repair it.”

“Bucky, there is not much left to repair. Everything is damaged at one place or another. I don’t even wanna know how it looks inside. That arm is done.”

While Tony spoke Bucky got up and started to walk around, metal arm close to his body and the other hand in his hair. “You have to repair it. You have to. I don’t care how long it takes” Bucky mumbled and Tony changed his position so that he could still watch him.

“Bucky, you have to understand. I can’t do that. The new arm…”

“I don’t want a fucking new arm!” Bucky suddenly screamed at him. “I won’t let you put me under and take another thing from me. That won’t happen!”

The frantic glare in Bucky’s eyes made Tony unsure if he was still talking to him or if he was caught in something else and so he did his best to remain calm.

“Bucky. Listen to me. No one wants to take anything from you. But that arm is not salvageable. I wouldn’t even know where to start with that.”

“Then you will do your damn fucking best to find that out. Because I will not take that arm from you.” He left the workshop with those words and Tony really wanted to smash something.

Bucky was being unreasonable and Tony knew that he couldn’t force him to take the arm but he really wished he could right now. Just to prove how awesome the new one would be and that Bucky didn’t have to be such a fucking child about this.

He took some time to calm himself down before he asked Jarvis to show him the damaged arm. He hadn’t lied to Bucky when he said he didn’t even know where to start with this and he wasn’t sure it would work. Definitely not with his cast still on, but that gave him some time to figure out what he could do.

Bucky avoided him after their last meeting and Tony was glad for it. He didn’t know if he could take another hit right now.

The cast came off after five weeks, yes he might have talked the doctor into taking it off earlier than normal, but he needed to do some physical training first, before he could work on the arm for a prolonged period of time.

The five weeks gave him enough time to develop something like a battle plan and while the arm would probably have pretty restricted movement he was certain he could restore enough to allow Bucky the most basic of motions. Bucky didn’t seem happy with that when he told him but Tony would not bring up the new arm ever again so Bucky had to deal with that on his own.

Tony was halfway done with the arm when AIM attacked one of the SI buildings.

Neither Tony nor Bucky were technically allowed to go out on missions yet but since it was Tony’s personal nemesis attacking his own company there was no way he would sit this one out and Bucky just tagged along, obviously deaf to Steve’s reasoning that he should stay in the tower.

Clint and Natasha joined them on the sight and as soon as the AIM agents noticed that the Avengers arrived they concentrated their attack on Tony. It wasn’t a big problem, since he was perfectly able to take them out but the sheer number was a bit worrying.

The others joined in on the fight and they had a pretty easy job taking the agents out since they all concentrated on Tony. No one knew exactly what they wanted but it didn’t seem like they managed to get it and that was good.

They retreated a bit when they noticed that they couldn’t take Tony out and seemed to come up with a new strategy. A few of them fired randomly at the Avengers to keep them at bay and when Tony stepped in front of Bucky to shield him from a bullet their focus suddenly changed.

The agents attacked again and this time they concentrated their attacks on Bucky who had a hard time defending himself since his metal arm was still out of commission. A few seconds into the fight he lost control and the Soldier took control though he didn’t seem to do any better than Bucky.

The others were busy fighting off attacks on their own and so it fell to Tony to make sure that Bucky wouldn’t be hurt. He did his best to shield the Soldier from bullets, and he very pointedly didn’t let himself linger on the thought that this was the closest they have been since that last visit, when someone pulled out a special gun and fired it at the Soldier.

Tony extended his hand to catch the bullet and Jarvis warning that this was in fact an EMP device came too late. The EMP went off and the suit went down, too heavy for Tony without the support system, and Tony quickly contemplated his options.

Stay in the suit and be helpless and leave the Soldier without protection for another three minutes until it came back online or go out of the suit and do his best to inflict damage and have the Soldier’s back.

The decision was not really hard and so Tony used the manual release hatches on the suit.

When the Soldier noticed what he was doing he came closer to the suit, still trying to keep the agents at bay, and Tony thought he heard him say “Don’t, you idiot” but that couldn’t be, the shooting was way too loud to hear anything.

When Tony was out of the suit he was glad that Steve had made him practice his hand to hand combat because it came in pretty handy right now and he managed to take out three AIM agents before they shifted their concentration to him again.

They also stopped shooting, which was a bit strange, but Tony couldn’t wonder about that for too long; he had his hands full with making sure that no one knocked him out.

He was fighting back to back with the Soldier and when a round of attack brought Tony shoulder to shoulder with the Soldier he briefly reached out to clasp Tony’s arm.

Tony faltered at that for a second and it was a second too long because he took a hit to the head and Tony only had time to register that he was falling down before everything went black.

Chapter Text

When the dust settled Steve called for his teammates. Natasha, Sam and Clint answered immediately, knowing exactly what it did to Steve if they didn’t answer his calls when the fight was over.

Bucky was probably still the Soldier, it was a common occurrence by now that Bucky lost control during the fights, and the Soldier never answered. He wasn’t a team player and he definitely didn’t care for the others unless it concerned Tony. The Soldier seemed still hell bent on killing him and whenever he had a second to breathe during a fight he made his way over to him.

So far Steve and the others had managed to intercept him before he could reach Tony but Steve knew that it was a dangerous game. Someday they wouldn’t be fast enough and from what he had seen so far the Soldier posed a genuine threat, not only to Tony but to all of them.

So his lack of response didn’t worry Steve so much, even though the metal arm was still not working correctly. What did bother him was that Tony didn’t respond. That was concerning because even if Tony was unconscious Jarvis should have answered Steve.

“Jarvis?” he asked after another minute without an answer from Tony.

“Sir is not in his suit and he seems to have lost the earpiece. I have currently no means to connect to him” Jarvis responded immediately and now Steve was really worried.

Tony shouldn’t be out of the suit. They had practiced his defence if it should ever come to that but Tony wouldn’t be able to hold himself against this many enemies.

Before he could ask Jarvis why Tony had left the suit Bucky, the Soldier, approached him. His gun was raised and levelled at Steve’s head, this too had happened way to regularly lately for Steve to really worry about it, but he seemed genuinely angry.

“Where is he?” the Soldier snarled and came close enough to put the gun directly to Steve’s head.

He usually kept more distance between them, very aware that Steve could disarm him if he wanted to and he rarely gave Steve such an easy opening. Steve could hear the others coming up behind him, even though he didn’t dare to turn his head.

“You will not get to Tony, man” Clint said and tried to sound casually, but Steve could hear the underlying strain. “When will you learn that?”

The Soldier took out another gun and Steve briefly wondered how many he would have to strip him of if this went awry. “Tell me where he is” the Soldier said again but now he sounded a bit desperate. “I have to find him.”

The Soldier was sweating and breathing too heavy and Steve suspected that the use of the damaged arm hurt him more than Bucky would ever let on.

“Sam, go find him” Steve ordered, still staring the Soldier down. He would not let the Soldier hurt Tony but fact was that Tony still hadn’t said anything and that probably meant nothing good.

Sam immediately went into the direction the Soldier came from as that was the last place any of them had seen Tony and after a few minutes he reported back. “The suit’s here, though it’s empty. But it seems to work. Tony’s nowhere in sight.”

“Fuck” Clint murmured and the Soldier went tense all over.

“Where is he?” the Soldier said, as if that was the only thing he could say, and pressed the gun harder to Steve’s head. This was getting out of hand quickly and Steve needed to restrain the Soldier so that they could look for Tony without being afraid that the Soldier would get to him first.

“Natasha, Quinjet, you know what” Steve said and Natasha slipped away.

Clint stepped a few steps back, giving Steve the space he would need to fight the Soldier and Steve didn’t hesitate another second. He moved quickly, but the bullet still grazed his head and if it weren’t for the helmet he would be bleeding like hell right now, and then he had to fully concentrate on the Soldier.

The Soldier had an advantage, it was clear that he fought to hurt Steve, while Steve always held back, not willing to hurt Bucky. The Soldier was fast and strong, even with his arm damaged, and Steve had to go all out until he managed to subdue him. But even then he could only hold him for so long and the Soldier was already wriggling out of his grip.

Natasha was at his side a second later, the cuffs Steve send her to get in her hands, and they snapped them around the Soldier’s wrists. They were originally designed for the Hulk but during testing Tony had found out that they could also hold Steve and even Thor, and they suspected that they would work on a lot of super beings, so they came in different sizes now.

When they had started to bring the Soldier to missions Steve had also brought the cuffs and now he was glad he did.

When they snapped shut all the fight left the Soldier and he looked at Steve, betrayal clear in his eyes. “Please” he mumbled and tugged on the cuffs, though it was useless. He wouldn’t get out of them anytime soon.

Steve stepped back while the Soldier moved to at least sit instead of lying on his front but he kept close, not wanting to underestimate the Soldier. Sam jogged back to them and he looked grim, especially when he saw the cuffs on the Soldier.

“Jarvis said Tony left the suit after he took an EMP that was meant for him” he pointed at the Soldier. Steve’s eyebrows shot up at that. “For Bucky or the Soldier?”

“As far as I understood it for the Soldier.”

“Why would he do that?” Clint asked but Steve knew no answer to that.

“Where is he now?” Steve asked instead and Sam shrugged.

“He left the suit to help the Soldier but then he lost his earpiece. Jarvis doesn’t know what happened.”

“He was unconscious” the Soldier suddenly said and he seemed really angry now.

“Did you do that?” Clint asked and it looked like the Soldier wanted to kill him just with his eyes.

“They hit him” he said, voice tight, and he didn’t meet anyone’s eyes. “I was right there” he mumbled and Steve couldn’t identify the emotion in his voice.

“They probably took him” Natasha said and even though Steve really didn’t want to hear that she was probably right.

“It was AIM. Would make sense if they were after him” Clint added and Steve nodded.

“Jarvis, you got any surveillance on this?”

“They disabled the system. I managed to bring it back online but I couldn’t find Sir.”

“Damn” Sam said and Steve could wholeheartedly agree.

“Okay, let’s treat this as an abduction” Steve finally said and everyone nodded. “Sam, Clint, you’ll be guarding him” he said and pointed at the Soldier who struggled against his restrains again. “Natasha and I will see what we can find here and then we’ll meet you back at the tower.” Everyone nodded. “Jarvis, can you operate the suit and fly it back to the tower?”

“Of course.”

“Good. Take the Soldier with you.”

“Certainly” Jarvis said while the suit started to move. The Soldier watched it wearily but he didn’t fight when Jarvis put his arm around him.

The suit and Sam took off shortly after and Steve and Natasha swept the place. They couldn’t find anything that would tell them what happened or where they took Tony and so they also flew back to the tower.

“Captain, I should inform you that my protocols demand for Colonel Rhodes to be informed as soon as Mister Stark’s whereabouts are uncertain.”

“Is he on his way?” Steve asked and hoped the answer would be yes. They would probably need the help.

“Yes, Captain. He will arrive in less than an hour.”

“Keep him posted of everything we find until then.” Jarvis didn’t respond to that but Steve was certain that he would tell Rhodey everything they knew.

When Steve and Natasha entered the conference room the Soldier sat in a chair while Clint was standing right behind him, ready to interfere at any time. Sam was busy looking at some screens but when they entered he turned around.

“We started without you” he said and pointed at one screen. “They took him. Jarvis was able to get the footage of the surrounding buildings. We’re trying to track their truck.”

“Any luck so far?” Steve asked while he pushed back the cowl. He kept his shield though, who knew when he would need it again.

“Jarvis is trying to reconstruct their way.”

“It’s difficult. They kept to small roads. So far I lost them twice but I managed to find them again” Jarvis supplied and Steve frowned.

“Is there no way to track Tony at all?”

“Sir has refused any and all tracking devices, I’m afraid.”

Of course Tony wouldn’t want to be tracked but right now that would have been really convenient.

“Can you track the energy signature of the arc reactor?” Natasha asked.

“The energy output of the device is too small to be tracked.”

“What about the truck? Still moving?” Steve asked and Jarvis showed him the footage.

“They are still on the move, though they are leaving the city which will make it harder for me.”

“Don’t lose that truck, Jarvis.”

“I won’t, Captain.” Jarvis sounded very determined and while Steve was aware that computer programs shouldn’t be able to sound like anything he was glad that Jarvis had as much of a personality as he did. It would help them get Tony back.

Steve turned back around to the Soldier who was still sitting very still though he seemed captivated by the footage that still played on the screen.

“What were you doing when they took him?” Steve asked him and the Soldier didn’t even look away from the screen when he answered.

“I was fighting.”

“Him?” Clint asked and now the Soldier looked around to him and his eyes were hard.

“No” he said and his voice didn’t allow any discussion. “I can help” he said and looked back at Steve. “Please. I can help.”

“So you can kill him in the end? I don’t think so. We’ll find him.”

The Soldier obviously wanted to say something to that but in that moment the doors opened and Rhodey came in. “What happened?” he asked instead of a greeting.

“AIM. They attacked us and took Tony. We don’t know where he is right now, but Jarvis is working on that.”

“Good” Rhodey said and started to turn to the screen when his eyes landed on the Soldier. “Why is he handcuffed?” He seemed genuinely surprised at that and Steve wondered for the tenth times how much Tony told Rhodey.

“Bucky lost control. He’s the Soldier right now.”

“Yeah, I can see that. But why is he in cuffs?”

“He wants to kill Tony. I don’t think we want him running around and doing what he wants” Clint said but Rhodey frowned.

“He wants to what?”

So Tony didn’t tell Rhodey everything. Steve wasn’t sure why Tony kept that a secret but with the way Rhodey was eyeing the Soldier he would probably have told Tony to just throw them out. If only to keep Tony safe.

“Bucky told us that the Soldier wants to kill Tony” Steve said but he didn’t explain it any further.

The Soldier and Rhodey were staring at each other now and suddenly the Soldier seemed excited. “He told you” he said and Rhodey nodded.

Steve was at a total loss as to what the Soldier could mean but before he could ask anything the Soldier raised his hands. “I can help.”

Rhodey took a step towards the Soldier and Steve was ready to stop him when he alreday stopped on his own. “Is it true what they say?” he asked and the Soldier shook his head while he said “Please.” Rhodey seemed to think for a few seconds before he asked “Can you find him?”

“I always found him” the Soldier said and Steve didn’t understand a word.

Rhodey obviously did though and before anyone could react he pressed his thumb to the side of the cuffs. They were solid, not allowing any room for movement and the pad for the fingerprint was on the side where the cuffed person had no chance to reach it. Steve knew that the whole team was able to open the cuffs again but he hadn’t thought that Rhodey would be as well.

When the cuffs fell to the floor Steve rushed forwards but Rhodey stepped into his way. “Let him do his job” he said and while he didn’t seem threatening Steve was pretty sure that Rhodey would fight if Steve tried to get to the Soldier.

“What is happening here?” Clint asked, bow already drawn and even Natasha had her guns out. Sam was still busy tracking the van but he also seemed tense.

“It’s really not my place to tell but I am pretty sure that the Soldier will find Tony.”

“To tell what?” Steve asked and Rhodey seemed unwilling to give an answer.

Before Steve could demand an answer from him the Soldier went over to the screens and joined Sam. He seemed to talk to Jarvis and Sam seemed surprised at his input. He looked back at Steve but all he could do was shrug.

Even with the help of the Soldier it took them almost a day to figure out where they held Tony captive and Steve wasn’t sure they would have find him so quickly if the Soldier wouldn’t be so determined. Sure, none of them slept during that day, no one even took as much as ten minutes for themselves but it seemed like the Soldier was desperate to find Tony and so it wasn’t really a surprise when it was the Soldier who said “I got him. Let’s move.”

Steve blocked the door when the Soldier moved to it and he refused to budge this time. Bucky had never lost control for so long and there was no indication that he would come back anytime soon. “Where do you think you’re going?” he asked the Soldier but to his surprise it was Rhodey who answered.

“What are you doing? Tony is out there, abducted and without his suit for almost a day now and we know where he is and you want to take some time to argue with him?”

“I wasn’t going to argue” Steve said and raised the cuffs he had kept close this whole time.

“We don’t have time for this shit” Rhodey said and pushed past Steve. “He is coming, if you like it or not.”

The Soldier grinned at him, but there was an edge to it, like he dared Steve to attack him.

Steve gritted his teeth but then he let the Soldier pass and he was hot on his heels. Even if he couldn’t cuff him again, he would damn well make sure that he wouldn’t hurt anyone.

They were in the Quinjet a minute later and Clint was piloting while the Soldier was checking over his weapons. He pulled an alarming number of knives out of his suit and Steve really had to wonder where he got them all. He was pretty sure Bucky never carried that amount of weapons.

They flew out to a seemingly abandoned factory out of town and Steve wondered if villains would ever outgrow this cliché.

When Clint landed the Quinjet an explosion rocked the place and everyone was up and ready to go within seconds. They didn’t even wait until the Quinjet really landed, Steve motioned for Clint to open the door before then, and as soon as everyone could safely make it out of the jet they were gone.

Rhodey and the Soldier were right next to Steve and Sam, and Steve was still eyeing the Soldier warily. He didn’t know what he would do once he saw Tony but he wouldn’t allow him to hurt Tony.

A second and third explosion destroyed most of the building and a few AIM agents were running away from it. Steve didn’t pay them any attention, Clint, Sam and Natasha would take care of them he was sure of that, and he followed the Soldier and Rhodey who went for the main entrance of the building.

Before they could make it a figure stumbled out of it and after a heartbeat Steve realized it was Tony. He was bleeding from a head wound and he was covered in dirt and grime, probably from the explosions and he was limping and obviously favouring his left side but he was walking on his own and seemed otherwise unscathed.

When Tony saw them coming he grinned like the mad man he was but then his eyes fell on the Soldier and suddenly he seemed guarded. He didn’t stop coming towards them though and the Soldier was running towards him unexpectedly.

Tony faltered in his steps, obviously torn between going forward and fleeing back into the factory and Steve had his shield up, ready to let it fly and knock the Soldier out when Rhodey pushed it down.

He didn’t say anything but he seemed unconcerned that the Soldier would hurt Tony and when Steve looked back at them Tony seemed to think the same because he was moving towards them again.

The Soldier was still running towards him, he didn’t even slow down and so he nearly knocked Tony off his feet when he crashed into him. But instead of attacking Tony the Soldier wrapped him in his arms and squeezed him, giving Tony the biggest bear hug Steve had ever seen.

Tony seemed surprised by that at first but after a few seconds he tentatively raised his hands to return the gesture. The Soldier said something, too low for Steve to understand, but Tony’s face lit up and he relaxed into the embrace.

Steve seemed as confused by this as Sam, who had joined them when he saw Tony, but when he looked at Rhodey he was smiling. Steve really wanted to know what was going on here but before he could say anything another explosion rocked the compound and Tony and the Soldier parted to look back at the building.

When it started to come down completely they moved back towards Steve, Sam and Rhodey and when they were in reach, Rhodey pulled Tony into an embrace as well.

The Soldier was smiling faintly and was more relaxed than Steve had ever seen him. When he caught Steve’s eye he said “I told you I would find him” and before Steve could say anything to that the Soldier’s eyes rolled back and he fell to the ground, obviously unconscious.

~~~~~*~~~~~

Tony was hurt and he felt it with every step he took out of the compound. He really wished he could just sit down and wait to be rescued but he knew that this place wouldn’t stand any longer and as to encourage his escape the first of many explosions went off.

Tony smiled grimly; he knew that AIM was generally not the brightest organisation out there but giving him a room to work in because they wanted his design? That had to be by far the stupidest thing they ever did.

Tony was very determined to leave the factory before it fell down on his head and so he didn’t waste any more time on wistful thinking of being rescued and instead limped to the main entrance he could see. He wasn’t armed but so far no one had tried to attack him; it seemed like they were all too busy running out of the building.

When Tony finally left the factory he could already see the Quinjet and soon after that he saw three people running towards him. A big grin split his face when he recognized Steve and Rhodey but when he saw Bucky, he faltered. It was very clear that that was the Soldier who was running towards him now and Tony was torn between evading him, he could almost hear Bucky’s voice telling him that the Soldier wanted to kill him, and running towards him because screw all this.

He had missed the Soldier so damn much and if the only chance he got was right before he got stabbed by him then so be it.

So Tony limbed on, absently noting that Steve raised his shield while Rhodey stopped him from doing more with it when the Soldier started to sprint towards him and then the Soldier was right there.

He crashed into Tony without even slowing down and Tony only barely registered the pain that spiked in his side because suddenly he found himself in an embrace with the Soldier. He tentatively raised his hands to return the gesture, more reflex than anything else, confused as to what was happening.

“You’re safe now. I’ve got you and I won’t leave you again” the Soldier said and Tony could feel all the tension leave his body. He practically slumped into the Soldier and it didn’t even matter that he was hurt.

The Soldier was back and he found him, like he always had, and he wouldn’t leave Tony again. Tony couldn’t even say something to this but he squeezed the Soldier as best as he could and he wondered how long they would have stayed like that if it weren’t for another explosion.

Tony and the Soldier parted, though they didn’t quite stop touching, to look back at the compound and when it started to come down they silently agreed that further away from it would be better.

They made their way back to Steve, Sam and Rhodey who came towards them and when they reached them Tony was pulled into another embrace by Rhodey. Tony felt reminded of the time Rhodey had found him in the desert but he didn’t mind the hug and what if he stayed in Rhodey’s arms longer than necessary.

“He found me” Tony mumbled into Rhodey’s neck and Rhodey nodded.

“That he did” he answered and only then did Tony pull away from him.

He couldn’t help but grin at Steve and Sam but Steve paid him no mind, he was looking at the Soldier, who smiled faintly and said “I told you I would find him.”

Steve obviously wanted to say something to that but before he could manage that the Soldier’s eyes rolled back and he fell to the ground. Tony was at this side a second later, not caring in the least that kneeling down wasn’t good for his injured leg, but the Soldier was out cold.

“What just happened?” Tony asked but everyone just shrugged.

“He was in control the whole time. Maybe he needs some rest” Rhodey eventually said and Tony looked back at the Soldier.

He really hoped that it would still be him when he woke up again, Tony wasn’t sure he could take it if Bucky came back right now. There were still so many things left unsaid between Tony and the Soldier and Tony didn’t want to wait anymore.

“We should get him to the jet” Steve said and looked at Tony. “How bad are you hurt? You’re still bleeding.”

Tony put his hand to his head and he dimly recalled how a stone had hit him there after the first explosion.

“It’s alright. I can still walk” Tony said instead of giving him an accurate description of his injuries and Rhodey raised his eyebrows at that. He knew exactly what Tony was doing but since he didn’t call him out on it Tony guessed he didn’t look as bad as he felt.

“Alright. Then let’s move” Steve said and asked Sam to help him with the unconscious Bucky.

Clint and Natasha joined them at the Quinjet, they had restrained all the AIM agents and handed them to the police who must have arrived in the past few minutes.

Steve and Sam laid Bucky out on the cot they had in the jet and even though they ushered Tony to sit down and let himself be looked over Tony refused to leave his side.

When the Soldier woke up, Tony wanted to be there.

No one really argued with him, Tony wondered how much Rhodey told them, but after a few minutes standing became nearly unbearable due to his injured leg. Rhodey seemed to notice and offered Tony to lean on him and Tony gladly took the offer.

“You should really sit down, you know that right?” he asked but Tony could tell that it was more of a rhetorical question. Rhodey wouldn’t make him leave the Soldier’s side.

So Tony nodded but didn’t move an inch away from the cot. He desperately wanted to know what had happened this last day but when he turned to ask Rhodey he shook his head.

“Later” was all he said and Tony understood what he was saying. He hadn’t told the others anything. It was still a thing between Tony and the Soldier and Rhodey gave him a chance to keep it that way, which Tony gladly took.

Halfway through their flight the Soldier began to stir and Tony was leaning over him a second later. His eyes fluttered open and Tony did very pointedly not think about what that did to him but when he looked at him Tony could tell that this wasn’t the Soldier anymore.

“Steve?” Bucky asked and Steve was at his side a second later.

“Here, Buck.”

“Did we win?” Bucky asked and Steve shortly looked at Tony but Tony had a hard time processing this.

He was aware that Rhodey was steering him away from Bucky but he could hardly feel the hand on his body; he was numb all over. This couldn’t be happening again. He couldn’t take this anymore.

Rhodey brought him over to a seat so that he could finally sit down and then he positioned himself so that Tony couldn’t see Bucky and Steve but he could still hear them. Tony knew that he shouldn’t listen to this, he didn’t need that right now, but he couldn’t tune them out, even when Rhodey started to speak to him.

“Buck, it’s been a day since that fight” Steve carefully said and Tony didn’t need to see Bucky to know how he tensed up in panic.

“It’s fine, you didn’t hurt anyone” Steve rushed on and Bucky’s voice was full of doubt when he asked “What happened?”

Before Steve could answer that though Bucky must have fallen back unconscious because Steve was swearing and then he walked over to Sam to lowly talk to him.

Only now did Tony realize that Rhodey was still talking and he had to force himself to listen to him. “Tony, it’s okay. You with me? This is nothing to worry about” Rhodey said and Tony laughed at that.

“Of course it’s not” he bitterly said and put his face in his hands. “He forgot again. He told me he wouldn’t leave and he did.”

It was more of a sob than anything else. Rhodey sat down next to him and pulled him close but Tony couldn’t relax.

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t…one minute I think it will be okay, that he will remember and the next something else happens and I can’t….I can’t…” Tony was gasping for air now, aware that he was talking himself into a panic attack but he couldn’t stop.

Rhodey moved his hand up and down his back, mumbling meaningless reassurances but it worked and after a few minutes Tony could breathe easily again. He knew that the others watched them from the corner of their eyes and he straightened up. If anyone would ask what was going on right now he probably would burst into tears and he couldn’t have that. He needed to get away from them first.

When the Quinjet landed on the tower Tony was the first up and he was halfway down the ramp when Rhodey caught up with him. “You have to go to medical. You need to let them check you out.”

Tony didn’t stop to answer him and Rhodey fell into step beside him. “You can do it” Tony said. “I won’t go to medical. They will bring…” he motioned back at the jet, not willing to say anything else on that matter. Rhodey looked back as well and then sighed.

“Fine. Workshop. The medical kit there is the best stocked.”

Tony held up until they were in the elevator and out of sight before he slumped against Rhodey again, who took his weight without comment. When they reached the workshop Rhodey brought him to the couch where he let Tony gently down before he went to get the medical kit.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you thought he wanted to kill you?” Rhodey asked out of the blue when he came back to Tony.

“You were on a mission. I was not allowed to call you.”

“And you didn’t think to mention it again?”

“What was there to mention? Pepper knew and I just wanted to…”

“Forget that it happened. You told Pepper?” Rhodey asked while he carefully wiped away the blood from Tony’s face and anaesthetised the area. “This needs stitches.”

“It’s all in the kit” Tony said and closed his eyes. “And I didn’t tell Pepper by choice, Jarvis and you conspired against me.”

“Rightfully so, like it seems.” Tony opened his eyes accusingly, because he was damn well capable of taking care of himself, but when he saw how Rhodey threaded the needle he closed them again.

“Okay, starting now” Rhodey said and Tony tried not to think about the needle going through his flesh. “You know, what happened today” Rhodey started and now Tony actually concentrated on the needle.

“I don’t want to hear it, Rhodey.” He could feel how Rhodey inhaled to say something else but Tony beat him to it. “Please, Rhodey, just don’t. I can’t hear that right now. Don’t make me.”

Rhodey let out a long sigh but said “Fine. Not talking about it. You’re done by the way.” Tony opened his eyes at that and Rhodey was already putting the needle away. “Where else are you hurt?” he asked and Tony shrugged.

“Bruises on my left side, sprained something in my leg. It’s fine.”

“Sir broke one rip and cracked three more and he twisted his knee and shouldn’t put much pressure on it.”

Rhodey glared at him but Tony didn’t want to argue about any of that right now and so he glared at Jarvis. “Thanks for nothing” he said and Jarvis didn’t reply to that.

Rhodey bandaged his knee without comment and when he put the medical kit away he straightened his shoulders. Tony should have run right then and there but he didn’t recognize it soon enough and when Rhodey said “He cares, you know” Tony really wished he could actually run away.

“I don’t want to hear it” Tony said, really angry now that Rhodey couldn’t let it be.

“But I think you should, Tony. I really think you should.” Before Tony could object again Rhodey went right on. “He cares about you. He pleaded with me to let him help and he never doubted that he would find you. I don’t know why Bucky doesn’t remember that but when the Soldier takes over he definitely cares about you.”

“But Bucky said...” Tony started, despite himself and Rhodey shook his head.

“I don’t know what exactly Bucky said but did it occur to you that maybe he just doesn’t think the Soldier could have positive feelings?”

Tony wanted to cover his ears or to throw Rhodey out, because he was sparking the same hope Pepper had and after what had happened today, Tony couldn’t stand it.

“What difference does it make? Bucky doesn’t remember and the Soldier only takes over during fights. What difference does it make if he doesn’t want to kill me?” Tony yelled at Rhodey and wished he could stand so that he wouldn’t feel so small. “I obviously wasn’t important enough to remember.”

Rhodey looked at him for a minute before he said “Maybe you were too important” and Tony wanted to hurl something at him.

“Stop talking!” Tony said but Rhodey didn’t seem to listen because he opened his mouth again. “Please, just stop. Didn’t you see today? It doesn’t matter. Bucky doesn’t remember and as long as that is the case it doesn’t matter. I won’t get him back.”

Rhodey looked at him strangely for a second before he said “Are you in love with him?”

Tony didn’t know how to react to that because he wasn’t, he really wasn’t, and in the end he only managed a weak “Why does everyone keep saying that?”

“So Pepper too, huh?” Rhodey smiled and Tony threw up his hands.

“Yes Pepper too. Why does this keep coming up? Because it’s not… I’m not…” he trailed off here, not knowing exactly why he just couldn’t say it and Rhodey smiled even more.

“You can’t even deny it. Why didn’t you say something?”

“Because I don’t…Why would you even think that?”

Rhodey sat down next to Tony now and he was still smiling. “Because you are acting strange. Stranger than normal. Usually you would be all over this, trying to force Bucky to remember, telling everyone about the meetings. But you’re not. You’re acting like you are defeated and you only ever act this strange if you are in love or dying. Are you dying, Tony?”

“No, I’m not” Tony huffed out but he couldn’t quite bring himself to dismiss the being in love part.

“Are you in love?”

Tony put his hands to his face, he felt like he would start to cry every second now and he didn’t want Rhodey to see. “What difference would it make?”

“It would explain a lot” Rhodey said and he sounded way too smug about this. “Not only about you but also about him.”

Tony made a vague noise at that because he didn’t understand what Rhodey was going on about but before he could explain himself Jarvis interrupted them.

“Sir, something has happened in the medical wing, I think you should see that.”

“Is Bucky involved?” Tony asked and Jarvis affirmed that. “Then I don’t want to see it” Tony said decidedly but Rhodey got up.

“Well, I do. I’ll be over there, if you want to join me.”

Tony watched him go further into the workshop where Jarvis pulled up some video recording of the room Bucky was in. Tony tried to not look at it but Jarvis had angled the screen just in the right way for Tony to see everything and apparently Tony was a bigger masochist than he thought because he couldn’t look away.

Sam and Steve were with him and Tony wondered where Natasha and Clint were, and how much time he had before they came hunting him down to make sure he was alright and drag him off to debriefing.

Bucky seemed still unconscious but he was moving which indicated that he wouldn’t be for much longer. Steve was by his side the second he opened his eyes and Tony had some difficulties to tell if it was the Soldier or Bucky.

“Steve” Bucky, it had to be Bucky, said and Steve smiled at him. When Bucky sat up he looked around as if he was searching for something and then he looked back at Steve. “Where is he?” he asked and that sounded more like the Soldier this time.

Tony was confused because he didn’t understand what was happening here and Steve didn’t seem to either. “Who, Bucky?” he asked and Bucky was up and almost out of the room a second later.

“Tony. Where is Tony?” he asked again and Steve and Sam traded a look.

“In his workshop, I think” Steve said carefully. “Buck, why would you…” he continued but Bucky was already out of the door. Steve and Sam chased after him and Rhodey closed the window, turning around to Tony.

“What just happened?” Tony asked and Rhodey shrugged.

“No clue. You tell me. Soldier or Bucky?”

“I don’t know, I couldn’t tell. Where do you think he’s going?”

Rhodey looked at him like he was worried that Tony hit his head. “He was looking for you. I’d say he is on his way.”

Oh no. Tony wasn’t ready for yet another confrontation with Bucky and he got up and wobbled over to his workbench. “Not happening” he said while he braced himself on the table to take the pressure of his knee. “Jarvis, black out…”

Before he could even finish the sentence Bucky was already storming into the workshop, Steve and Sam hot on his heels. Bucky didn’t look too happy and when Steve tried to catch his hand he shook him off, not being deterred in coming right at Tony.

Tony had never seen Bucky look so angry and his mind decided that now was a good time to babble. “Okay, I see you’re angry but the hug wasn’t my fault, you practically crashed into me, I am not at fault there, you can’t be angry about that” but Bucky didn’t even seem to listen to him.

He stormed up right to Tony and crowded him against the workbench, caging him in with his arms, so that Tony had nowhere to go. “Why didn’t you tell me” he hissed and punched the workbench for good measure.

Steve moved to pull Bucky away from Tony but before he could reach them Bucky kissed Tony. Tony was too stunned to react and when Bucky pulled away he tried to chase him, afraid that this was some horrible fluke and it would never happen again.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Bucky asked again and this time he sounded more desperate than angry. Tony dimly noted that Steve was rooted to the spot obviously as surprised by the turn of events as was Tony himself.

“Tell you what?” Tony carefully asked, once he found his voice and Bucky pulled him into a hug again.

“About us” Bucky said and Tony closed his eyes because this was Bucky and not the Soldier and so there was nothing to tell.

“I don’t know what you are talking about” Tony said, trying hard to keep his voice neutral, “but there is no us.”

Bucky pushed Tony at arm’s length away and Tony really wished he could put more space between them.

“I remember” Bucky said and Tony needed a second to process that.

“You remember” he eventually managed, voice flat as if he didn’t know what to do with that information and Bucky nodded.

“I’m sorry, remember what now?” Sam asked and Tony was glad for it because it meant he didn’t need to say something.

Bucky turned around to Sam and Steve, but he took Tony’s hand in his, as if to make sure that he would stay right where he was. “I met Tony before, he was two the first time. He interrupted me during a mission.”

“The…first time?” Steve asked and Bucky smiled.

“I met him almost regularly after he was seven” he said and looked back at Tony. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do more then, I didn’t know how” he said and lightly traced the scar on Tony’s wrist.

“Yeah, no, it was fine, you called Rhodey” Tony pressed out, still somewhat shocked that this seemed to be happening, that Bucky really did remember.

“I don’t understand what’s happening here” Sam finally declared and Steve nodded enthusiastically. “Why didn’t you remember that when everything else came back?” Sam asked and Bucky shrugged.

“I had to keep him safe. I knew that my handlers took everything away from me and I couldn’t let that happen with him. They would hurt him if they ever found out and that couldn’t happen. So I buried it, tried to forget it when I was with them and I guess when everything else came back it just got buried even deeper underneath everything else. I’m so sorry I didn’t remember” he said now to Tony who shrugged because he didn’t know what else to do.

Bucky looked concerned now and Tony noticed that he was shaking and he wasn’t sure how much longer his leg would carry him. Bucky seemed to notice that because he tugged Tony over to the couch. Tony tightened his grip on Bucky’s hand, afraid that this would somehow all end when they stopped touching but Bucky didn’t seem inclined to take his hand back. He even pulled Tony close when they settled down on the couch and Tony really didn’t know what to think about this.

“What changed now?” Rhodey asked and Bucky put an arm around Tony’s shoulder.

“Maybe the Soldier saw now that he was safe? That nothing would happen to him if he remembered? I don’t really know.” He squeezed Tony who finally began to relax and let himself believe that this was real, that it was happening.

But Bucky seemed to notice now that there was some underlying uncertainty on Tony’s side and he kissed his forehead. “It’s okay. I’ve got you. I told you I wouldn’t leave again.”

“Okay” Tony said and cautiously sneaked an arm around Bucky’s waist unsure if that was welcome or not but Bucky didn’t object to it and so Tony relaxed even more.

“Maybe it’s time to give those two some space” Rhodey said and ushered Steve and Sam, who seemed to be too busy processing what just happened so they didn’t even protest, out of the workshop but not without looking back one last time and winking at Tony. Tony suppressed his grin, and turned even more into Bucky who adjusted his grip so that Tony was now practically plastered to his side.

Tony knew that the team would have questions over questions about this but he refused to think about that now. He just wanted to enjoy this first.

They spend a few more minutes in silence before Bucky spoke again. “Why didn’t you trust me?” he asked and his voice was low. “Why didn’t you trust me to remember you?”

Tony sighed at that. “When you came to the tower you didn’t remember” he mumbled and Bucky squeezed him closer.

“The Bucky part of me didn’t remember. The Soldier part did. Why didn’t you believe I would remember you? Why didn’t you make me remember you?”

“I don’t know. I wanted to, sometimes, I really wanted but then Bucky said that and…”

“And you believed him so readily.” Tony gave a small nod, not sure what to say to that. Bucky just gave him another kiss to the forehead and took Tony’s wrist in his hand. “I couldn’t even stand to see you hurt when I didn’t know who I was. I could never willingly hurt you” he said into Tony’s hair and this time it was Tony who tightened his grip on him.

“I know. And I am sorry that I didn’t try harder. It was just…it hurt you know? And I guess I was afraid I would tell you everything and you still wouldn’t remember. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stand it.”

“I understand that. And I am really sorry I threw such a tantrum because of the arm. I will gladly take it, if you still want to give it to me” Bucky said after a few minutes and Tony smiled.

“It’s your arm. Of course I want you to have it.”

“Okay.” There was a brief silence before Bucky spoke again. “And I am really sorry I didn’t remember you. I didn’t mean to do that to you.”

“I know that” Tony whispered. “As long as you remember now, it’s fine.”

“I doubt I could ever really forget you. You left quite the impression, even when you were just two” Bucky mumbled and Tony chuckled.

“You’ll have to tell me about that one day” he said and Bucky nodded.

“I will. You were adorable.”

Tony couldn’t quite believe that, adorable was not a word that was used when he was little, but he didn’t argue.

He pressed his face into Bucky’s neck when he tried to get even closer to him and Bucky pressed another kiss into his hairline. He would enjoy this as long as Bucky would have him and if the tight grip Bucky had on him right now was any indication that would be quite some time. Tony could live with that.