Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

April rushed to pack her things at the first ring of the bell, eager not to spend any more time at that hellish school than she already had to. She had never been very fond of Willingham in general, but the amount of assignments she took in were driving her crazy and she missed having Ezekiel and Hannah B. around. Those two were April’s rock and now that they were away on some exchange program in Australia of all places, everything seemed to be precisely designed to drive her off the edge.

As she packed her backpack April quickly checked her phone to see multiple texts from her friends about their last night out in Sidney. With the different time zones they didn’t get to talk as much as they usually did but the two of them promised to keep in touch, which apparently meant getting very detailed descriptions of their crazy weekends.

Ezekiel

I swear if it wasn’t for Hannah you’d be talking to a married man

which. ugh. I get chills just thinking about it.

Hannah B.

Your vows were cute though

I mean “I thought that I was dreaming when you said you loved me”?

Pete teared up

April

You’re lucky he’s tasteless and didn’t know the next line of that song

Ezekiel

ANYWAYS

I don’t think I’m ever drinking alcohol again

April

That's what you said last week

Hannah B.

And every week before that

Ezekiel

I mean it this time!

April chuckled as she got to the end of the thread and was halfway through another reply when she was interrupted by a hand on her shoulder. Looking up from her phone, she realized the room was now empty except for some guy she knew from the golf team, who was now awkwardly standing right in front of her with a very nervous demeanor.

“Uh, hi?”

“Hi!” The boy started just a bit too loud, suddenly startled that April noticed him “I’m — I’m Luke. You’re friends with Hannah B., right?”

Luke offered his hand as a greeting and she took it after a moment of hesitation. His hand was sweaty and April noticed he was shaking a little — that and the way he looked around, checking to see if they were still alone, made April suspicious. She’d heard a bit about him from Hannah B., but the phrase “he’s as stupid as he’s cute” didn’t really mean anything to her for reasons April’d rather not dig into.

“Yeah, why do you ask?” She went straight to the point.

“I’m a friend of hers and she may have mentioned once that you’re an awesome writer and, uh... I’ve got a bit of a situation that I think you could help me with.”

So that’s what this is about, April thought as she smirked in amusement, He's just too lazy to do his own assignments. People always act like they're buying drugs or something.

Now that she knew what Luke was after, April was more than happy to take over whatever assignment he was given despite her already loaded schedule. More work meant less sleep at this point but it also meant more money — now that Jon was out of the picture, she knew things wouldn't be easy for her mother and April was determined to do whatever she could to help.

“Of course. Here’s how it works: the prices usually depend on how many pages I’ll have to write so you need to fill me in first, but if we’re on a tight deadline I’ll charge double and you won’t complain because you will get an A+. Which class is it for?”

“That’s the thing. It’s, uh, not an actual assignment.”

“What do you mean?” April asked in confusion and the boy froze, suddenly seeming even more anxious than he did a few moments ago. “Luke?”

“April, I’m in love!” He blurted out as a reddish fever colored up his neck, “I’m in love with this girl, okay? She’s smart and pretty and nice and so way out of my league.”

“Okay... And I’m sorry about that, but what does it have to do with me?”

“I want you to write her a letter telling her how much I love her. I tried doing it myself but I ended up rambling about the animals in Noah’s ark for two pages, for some reason.” Luke shook his head in disbelief and April couldn’t quite put her finger on what, but something about that guy made him look like a little kid having his first crush.

The whole situation, she figured and tried to suppress the urge to laugh at his innocence, we wouldn’t be having this conversation if he would just text a girl like a normal person.

“It’s still very sweet that you tried,” she offered. “But no, thank you. Maybe just ask her out and see how that goes?”

“Come on, you gotta help me! I'm just really nervous around her and ended up embarrassing myself every time I tried talking to her. That's why I came up with the letter — you know, get her to fall in love with me before I manage to ruin my chances with her and all — but turns out I’m really bad with words. That's why I thought you could help.”

“I don’t know much about romance but I do know a love letter is supposed to be personal and intimate, Luke. It won’t be your feelings described on that letter if it’s written by anybody but you.” April pondered as she analyzed the situation with the cautiousness of a debater.

Luke's proposition just… didn't seem right. Writing as if she was head over heels for some stranger would be lying and April'd had enough lies in her life to know just how hurtful those can be, especially when there are feelings involved. She could only imagine what it would be like for that poor girl to discover Luke had payed April to write sweet words just to ease his way into her heart. And god knows where else.

“Besides, how would you feel if you got one from your crush, only to find out later that she had someone else write it for her?”

“I would totally understand, okay?” He blushed slightly at the hypothetical scenario. “Look, I’m not trying to trick her or anything, I promise. I'm really in love with her and she’s such a smart, poetic girl, like — she reads all these fancy books I’ve never even heard of, it scares me a bit. I just want her to think that I can be smart too, like she is.”

Shit. April could almost feel her soft side getting the best of her despite the several red flags being raised in the back of her head. She honestly felt bad for him now, into a girl that seemed so out of his reach he actually asked a stranger for help just to connect with her. The fact that April herself was in love with someone that felt just as unreachable certainly didn't help her stand her ground. Maybe if she were in his shoes — scared and lost but with an actual chance with the girl she was desperately in love with — April would also take any help she could possibly get.

“And I’ll tell you everything about her!” He continued trying to convince April, scared that the silence meant she had made up her mind. “All the details that make me love her so much, so it’s totally gonna be my feelings on that letter, they’ll just... be recycled and put into nicer words.”

April sighed. Being reminded of her life-long crush and the exasperated look on his face didn't help her keep things rational. Luke seemed honest and she was starting to believe he had good intentions despite all the implications of his plan. Hannah did say he was sweet and if he just wanted to get into some girl’s pants anyway, he wouldn’t go as far as paying someone to impress her with a love confession, right?

“Alright, I’ll do it.” April sighed in defeat, not quite believing what she’d just agreed to. “But it’s just this one letter! Then you’re on your own.”

Luke threw his fist in the air and smiled so hard that the girl couldn’t help but feel good about helping him.

“Thank you, April! I promise you’ll be the first to know when I ask her out.”

April chuckled at how absolutely certain Luke was that he’d get the girl and tried not to think about how his life would always be much simpler than hers. No doubt, no fear. You can just shoot your shot and see how that goes. Before she could even curse herself for letting her mind wander on forbidden territory her phone buzzed with another text from Ezekiel, rushing her for their weekly scheduled facetime.

“I need to get going now, but we can talk more tomorrow at lunch.”

“Of course. And thank you again, April. Hannah always said you were nice but you’re like, super awesome.” He gave her a thumbs up and gripped his backpack as they left the empty classroom and entered the still crowded hallways.

Walking by his side, April pondered again that just from those mere minutes she’d known Luke he did seem like a nice guy. Paying a total stranger for help to win his way into a girl’s heart sounded sort of wicked at first but April didn’t really sense any malice in him. Whoever that girl was, maybe she wouldn't find it to be so bad having a guy like Luke by her side.

“Hey, Luke?” April chimed in as they reached the parking lot, realizing she still had no clue who she’d be sending love sick letters to. “Who is this girl, anyway?”

“Oh, I’m sure you know her. It’s Sterling Wesley.” He answered easily.

April stopped dead in her tracks at the mention of that name but Luke didn’t seem to notice her shock, just giving her a big smile and assuring he’d meet her for lunch the next day before walking away.

Fuck.

She was about to help some random guy win the heart of her childhood crush.

Chapter Text

April had been an incredibly gifted writer ever since she was a child, but she'd never allowed herself to write a single word about her. She figured early on it would make things too real, too difficult to face, so it was simply out of the question.

Associating very specific songs to someone until you get a carefully crafted eight hour playlist that displays your love and affection for them? Perfectly acceptable.

Writing about them? Not an option.

Well, until now.

That alone was a perfectly understandable reason for April to lose sleep over, but the reason why she agreed to write about Sterling in the first place is what kept her up the whole night.

She turns her alarm off the second it goes off and doesn't even consider getting out of bed. April tried to maintain a perfect attendance streak, but this was an off day; she couldn't possibly face another Spanish class with Sterling or risk running into Luke again.

And shit, Luke. She'd promised they'd meet up for lunch so they could start working on that stupid letter, and now she wasn't even sure she would be able to listen to him gushing about what he saw in Sterling, which wasn't even necessary anyway.

April didn't need anyone's help to know how easy it was to fall for her eyes, her kindness, or the way she smiles whenever she solves a particularly tricky math problem.

She already knew all about it, enough to fill hundreds of pages and write dozens of books that would probably be better off burned in the ashes of Alexandria.

So she asks Hannah B. for Luke's number, avoids her every question, and sends a quick text letting him know she's not going to school. It's only then that April finally closes her eyes and drifts to sleep.

Her dreams are filled with the bluest eyes and soft red lips.

The sun's already soaking through the blinds when April wakes up, and she doesn't feel any less tired than she did before those few hours of sleep.

She checks her phone on the nightstand and sighs. Six hours and twenty-eight minutes of extremely vivid, Sterling-filled dreams.

Just another Tuesday — or it would be, if not for Luke's smiling face popping up repeatedly on her notification bar.

Luke Creswell

alright!! no worries!!!

r u ok though

ik u never skip class so

let me know if u need anything 😄😄😄😠

not angry sorry

wrong emoji

Luke Creswell

ok ok thanks

i havent really told u anything about her though

how can i help

Luke Creswell

great!!

she's awesome u gonna love her ikik

check out her insta @stwesley

maybe also her sister's? they're like.

twins.

anyway tysm april

i owe you big time

April stared at the screen and asked herself for the fifth time what the fuck she'd gotten herself into.

Writing about Sterling turned out to be just as easy as April had always feared. The words came to her effortlessly and soon there were pages and pages filled with dream-fueled depictions of the color of her eyes and the soft sound of her voice.

The words were rushed, as if the author had been on a very narrow time window for whatever reason, like a prisoner writing their last letter to the world before their tormentor returned with a brand-new blade.

April looked at her sloppy calligraphy and found her feelings staring right back at her, battered and bruised but as terrifyingly real as they'd ever been.

Those, April admitted bitterly, were her worst enemies. A part of herself she couldn't deny or fundamentally change as much as she tried — and oh, how she'd tried.

Repeatedly.

Relentlessly.

April went to church every day, prayed and begged for forgiveness. At first, she insisted on asking why He'd make anyone that way at all when it was that much of a sin, but eventually learned not to question God's will.

She must've done something deserving of such punishment, after all, so April just gritted her teeth and tried not to cry when her eyes religiously wandered to the doors when the Wesley's arrived.

[April picked her nails until they bled the day she realized she could recognize their voices through the crowd's noise like a trained dog because the signature sound of Debbie's heels or Blair's bickering meant Sterling was also around.]

Then she would go home, have dinner with her parents and smile politely at her father's attempts to set her up with the mayor's son. Afterwards she'd rush to her room and beg every saint she could possibly name to do something, anything to take those disturbing thoughts about the Wesley girl away from her.

It was a sinful, repulsive and vile feeling to nurture inside a house moved by Christian values [and if her father ever found out he would —

April didn't like thinking about what her father would do.]

The point is that it was wrong.

And yet, April's dreams were haunted by her. Just amicable conversations that would never happen, hands slightly touching on the church's bench or soft smiles in a school's corridor — mostly innocent scenarios, although that didn't do much to appease her nerves.

Those days were gone, buried under a gravestone with the name John Stevens carved into it, but April wouldn't fool herself and say they didn't leave permanent marks on her.

Sure, she didn't go to church anymore nor she still disapproved of same-gender relationships in general, but when it came to her own feelings towards a woman, it still felt... wrong.

Naturally, having that part of her brought to light and displayed right in front of her was difficult, to say the least, but April chose to face it despite the pleadings of her heart. She had to if she was going to go through with Luke's proposition.

After analyzing her work, April folds each page and slips it into a white envelope with a frown. Everything felt so intense that she didn't know exactly how to tone it down enough to match Luke's actual feelings, and she would absolutely have to.

He's a sweet guy, that's for sure, but those aren't usually the types to curse their crush because they just can't bear to read their favorite poem anymore as every word is haunted by the memory of her.

[I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, April's treacherous mind immediately whispers. In secret, between the shadow and the soul.

She shushes it before it gets to the next verse and goes back to work.]

Come to think of it, she doesn't have a clue how she's going to pass anything Sterling-related as written by someone so... amorphous.

April knew from the moment she picked up the pen with a shaking hand that she would have to craft a second letter; as much as it pained her to admit, trying to get actual work done while also navigating years of repressed feelings and paralyzing catholic guilt would be a handful, even for her.

April looks at the blank page and groans. School papers are so much easier.

The teachers knew it was her; they just didn't care enough to do something about it. Her business was simple, uncomplicated and impersonal while this is everything but with Sterling Wesley being added to the mix as a part of the universe's plot to spite her.

April had to make Sterling believe Luke was the one holding the pen and pouring his heart out on that letter. She would have to craft something believable yet earnest and elegant enough to touch Sterling's heart, so Luke could gather the courage to ask her on a date and do everything April's only ever dreamed of.

Which is totally fine and not at all gut-wrenching. The images of his hand clasped over Sterling's and her soft smile blossoming because of his boyish charm are just fine — in fact, they don't bother April in the slightest.

If she spends the rest of the day writing drafts on her phone so as not to ruin any more pages with tear stains, well.

That's just a coincidence.

Chapter Text

It takes her an entire weekend and tons of different drafts, but it's done. April admits it's not her best work but turns out toning down her feelings and trying to pass it as something a jock could've written was pretty hard.

She couldn't even find the courage to read it once it was finished because April was nothing if not a perfectionist, and that was... definitely far from perfect.

It was still better than anything Luke would've come up with, but that one page bothered her just a little too much. It wasn't personal enough — it wasn't personal at all, and she didn't really know how else to approach the subject, if not wholeheartedly.

Her heart was stubbornly set on giving her everything or nothing at all, and to hell with her last ounce of self-preservation, but Sterling deserved better than a generic, vague love confession.

The more she thought about it, the deeper she buried it into her mind's already packed storage of unresolved feelings, but the question remained. Why couldn't she bring herself to write Sterling what she truly deserved?

Even if it ultimately leads her to someone else, why would she deprive Sterling of knowing just how much she was cherished?

There's this voice at the back of her mind telling her it's okay because she didn't owe them anything — not Sterling and certainly not Luke — but she fears it sounds too much like John's to be taken seriously.

The voice begs April to consider what she deserves too and maybe strive to take it, but her stomach turns at the thought of succumbing to her own greed.

Just because she didn't stand a chance with Sterling, she would stand in the way of someone who did? What did that make of her?

April sighs through an oncoming headache, tries to take her mind off her father and his own narcissism, or how he might've passed his egotistical tendencies onto her along with his grave features.

John had always prided himself in their resemblance, and so did she; her heart used to grow two sizes whenever someone made a polite remark on how much alike they were.

She didn't think much of it after the scandal and his subsequent arrest. It would still plague her mind from time to time, like an intrusive thought that kept on crawling its way up no matter how many times April deliberately shut it off, but it was manageable even at its worst.

In the end, April had more frightening images concerning John Stevens to fuel her nightmares than any piece of him she could find in the mirror.

Her mother, however, seemed to be haunted by every trace of him she could find in April. So much so that she wondered if Barbra still saw her own daughter at all when she looked at her or if April had been reduced to a shallow shell of her father by now.

It made her blood boil because she didn't want any of it — not his crooked smile, not the color of his eyes, or his venomous tongue — but Barbra was always quick to point them out whenever she had the chance.

She would oscillate between the borderline apathy April was already so familiar with and that kind of open hostility, the one that showed its teeth the minute John left the house in handcuffs. The kind that cuts deep and sharp.

You're still your father's daughter, her mother had said one of those times. No matter how hard you pray. You always will be.

April knew she didn't mean it at heart. She knew things had been impossibly hard lately, and they were both lost in a house that felt more like a museum of her father's crimes than a home.

She knew, but it didn't make those words hurt any less. April remembers how she held her breath and gritted her teeth then, refusing to let any tears fall even though her eyes burned just as much as her face did in her shame.

Now when she looks in the mirror or wonders what it'd feel like to pursue her own desires in all their supposed depravity, April fears her mother might've been right after all.

Before she can dwell on any more of her open wounds, her phone buzzes, and the screen lights up with Luke's name on it.

Luke Creswell

dude

april that is SO

After ten minutes and absolutely no followup text, April begins to worry.

April Stevens

Luke?

Luke Creswell

sorry i spaced out

i'm just

😭😭😭

no words

you're such a good writer

April Stevens

I'm glad you liked it

Do you think it's something she'd take as yours?

It's my first shot so it might be a little vague

Luke Creswell

oh

right

maybe? i don't know

i mean it's really really beautiful and not too forward

which is important bc i don't wanna like scare her off w my feelings or something

she doesn't need to know i've been in love with her since always

but i also want her to know i pay attention to her? idk maybe we could add some details abt her

if that's alright with you i mean

April Stevens

Oh, that's fine

I apologize if it turned out a bit impersonal

I just don't know her very well

April grimaces as she presses send and thanks the universe they're not having this conversation in person because she would absolutely fold under the weight of that particular lie.

Luke Creswell

no worries 😄

you didn't check her insta as i told you to though right?

April Stevens

Not really, I haven't had much time

With school and all

It would help if you could tell me more about her
Did you ever actually talk to her?

April asks even though she already knows the answer, remembers vividly his family's assigned seat at church was right behind the Wesley's so yes, Luke had talked to Sterling before. Several times. Too many times.

Luke Creswell

yeah our families are like super close, we all have dinner together sometimes

her sister terrifies me

that's actually one of the reasons why I'm going with a letter first

she threatened to break all of my fingers if i waved at sterl in front of her ever again

April had always liked Blair.

April Stevens

Sorry about that

Not really, no.

April Stevens

Do you have anything specific in mind that you'd like me to add?

Luke Creswell

oh

can i think about it?

April fights the urge to say no and that it's absurd he hasn't given it any thought even though he promised he would give her "tons of inspo", but so far she's written the letter that could get him the girl of his dreams all by herself.

She takes a deep breath despite the absurdity of it all, reminding herself of how well he's paying and just how much she needs the money.

April Stevens

Sure

Let me know when you come up with something

Luke Creswell

🙏🏻

also please please please check her insta

it's like

a window to her soul

That's how, after years of painfully constructed self-control, April finds herself staring at Sterling's Instagram profile for entire fifty minutes. She doesn't scroll down, just stands there frozen with unfocused eyes and taps the screen whenever it threatens to fade into black because something's off.

The thing is, they didn't follow each other.

They didn't. April was sure of it because surely she would've noticed if the girl she had literal dreams about happened to interact with her online, but apparently she was wrong.

April is never wrong, but the minute she gathered the courage to open Sterling's profile, there was a button with the words follow back staring right back at her, which meant Sterling had followed her at some point. For some reason. And April hadn't noticed.

April shakes her head and spends a few more minutes trying to steady her breathing before forcing herself to focus on the task at hand because it doesn't mean anything, and all she needs to do is go through Sterling's feed once just so she can tell Luke she did and not have to lie about it.

That's all it's going to be; one fast, superficial sweep on Sterling's latest posts and she's out of there — or at least that's what April tells herself as she falls into the rabbit hole of Sterling Wesley's carefully-thought Instagram feed.

Every picture and every caption was so telling of her very essence that for once April found herself agreeing with Luke; it was a window to her soul. Sterling's feed showcased everything dear to her: her family, her friends, every little thing that made April’s heart flutter at the mere reminder of her.

It's a nightmare and everything she's ever dreamed of at the same time, April can't help herself. She sighs and blushes with every picture from when Sterling dyed her hair pink, tries not to linger on any of her summer photo dumps that might show a little more skin than her closeted lesbian heart can handle.

Ezekiel and Hannah B. used to tease her endlessly whenever she’d post a story wearing a different swimsuit — which she knows for a fact never failed to get Sterling in trouble. She also knows Sterling still got away with it every time by having Blair accuse their parents of being antifeminists.

God, those two. April laughs and pointedly ignores the blush spreading through her face in order to move on to the next pictures.

After another hour gushing over blue eyes and that delicate smile, April doesn't have the decency to feign surprise when she ends up going all the way to Sterling's very first post.

It dates back to 2020, and she looks radiant blowing out the candles on her birthday cake. April swipes right, and there's a video of Anderson clumsily handling the camera as Sterling opens her gifts. A digital camera and a violin lay beside her unwrapped, but everyone seems much more engrossed on the one Sterling's holding.

She's about to cry, April notices by the light frown on her face and her quivering lip.

"Show us what you got, kid." Anderson laughs.

Then Sterling finally turns the gift to the camera, and April can physically feel her own heart skip a beat. It's a limited edition Blond vinyl, the very one April briefly considered begging her father to preorder before thinking it through.

"Now read what's on it."

"To Sterling - Happy birthday. Remember track four. Much love, Frank O."

An autograph. A personal message from one of the most secluded artists in mainstream these days. Jesus Christ.

"Care to remind us which one's track four?"

"Be yourself." Sterling mumbles through a wet chuckle, and tears come rushing down her face just as the video ends.

Once again, April's left staring blankly at the screen. Not only Sterling followed her, she was a die-hard fan of April's favorite artist, and April could've known all of that had she allowed herself to check Sterling's Instagram profile just once.

It shouldn't bother her, but there's just something about the fact that maybe there was this one tiny thing they could've bonded over that April can't quite let it go.

It just... would've been nice. Existing next to her, even in a strictly platonic scenario.

It's borderline childish — the way her heart races and her whole body seems to respond to the prospect of being close to Sterling in any way. Finally talking to her, maybe even making her laugh. Simply sharing this single interest capable of fueling mundane conversations that would haunt April's dreams for months to come and probably never cross Sterling's mind again.

April shakes her head, throws that fantasy into another tight box in the corner of her mind. Switches on to a more rational stance.

It's the prospect of a lost opportunity that bothers her, she figures. The uncertainty of what could've derived from something so trivial. The shadow of a possibility she'd been unaware of all this time.

April couldn't help but wonder just how much more of Sterling she was missing by keeping her distance, but it doesn't really matter. It would've changed anything.

April sighs at the thought. Even then, in another one of April's imaginary scenarios, she can almost feel her father's gaze of disapproval burning through her skin. Sometimes she fears there's a part of her that'll never fully escape from the prison John had built around her.

Perhaps she was right about that, April realizes, because she'd never have allowed herself to get close to Sterling with John Steven's shadow haunting her every move. Again, it doesn't matter.

None of it matters, and she's about to leave Sterling's profile when she absentmindedly double taps the screen and watches in horror as the red heart fills with a pop.