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Chapter Text

Awareness came slowly for Jiang Cheng. The first thing he became aware of was the softness under his arms and feet. What had happened? Where was he? He could feel a bed under him, but it felt unfamiliar. The second thing he became aware of was the sound of beeping and a wooshing sound. Speaking of, he was breathing weird. At least it felt weird. He tried to swallow, but there was something down his throat and he wanted to gag. He felt his hand twitch. He tried to move his hand more, but it wasn’t listening to him.

“A-Cheng?” That was an unfamiliar voice, but it sounded nice. Relaxing. He didn’t know why he calmed down as soon as he heard it. How did this person know his name anyways? He tried to open his eyes, but he couldn’t on the first try. Or the second. Or the third. But on the fourth, his eyes fluttered open and he heard a gasp next to him. Everything was blurry, so he blinked to clear it away and regretted it when harsh, white light flooded his vision. He closed his eyes again.

“Someone! He’s waking up!” The person exclaimed. He sounded further away. Then there was a touch to his hand as the person held it. His hand was cool and clammy.

“Oh, A-Cheng! A-Cheng! You came back to me!” He sounded like he was crying. Jiang Cheng wanted to squeeze his hand to at least reassure this hysterically crying person, but his hand still wouldn’t respond the way he wanted it to.

He wanted to see who this person was (and figure out why he was so drawn to this person’s voice), so he opened his eyes and this time the lights weren’t so bright and his vision wasn’t blurred. Next to him was a man whose face was red and splotchy and whose nose was running from crying. The man was an ugly crier, but it was endearing. Why did he find him so endearing? He only got that one glimpse of him before there were doctors rushing in and the man had to step aside to let them do their job. Well, he was assuming they were doctors since they were all wearing white coats.

A doctor shone a light in his eye and he squinted, his head beginning to pound. They did the other eye, but everything was a blur as he struggled to stay awake. After a while he really couldn’t stay up and fell asleep once more.

When he woke up again, the doctors were gone, but the man still remained.

“A-Cheng!” The man exclaimed. “You’re awake!” His smile went from ear to ear and brightened up his face. He was pretty and androgynous in a more feminine way. The red splotchiness was gone, but his eyes were still red and a little swollen. He had no idea how long he had slept for.

Jiang Cheng realized that he no longer had the ventilator in his throat, but it was dry.

“Here. I bet you’re thirsty.” The man said. He lifted up his hospital bed a little so he was laying at more of an angle. He grabbed some water with a straw in it and held it up to his face, prompting him to take a sip. “The doctors said it would be a while before you can move your body. Your brain has to relearn how to communicate with your limbs and stuff since you’ve been in a coma for so long.” So that’s why he was there.

Jiang Cheng took a sip. As soon as the water hit his tongue, he wanted to guzzle it all down, but the man took it away before he could.

“Whoa. Slow down. You’ll make yourself sick if you drink too fast.” The man cautioned. He placed the straw back at his lips and this time, Jiang Cheng drank it slower. “There you go.” The man smiled. His expression looked so intimate, so tender, so loving that it made Jiang Cheng blush. Just who was he to him?

“You…” Jiang Cheng tried, but then coughed from how rough his voice felt.

“The doctors said your voice will be scratchy and hoarse for a while because of the intubation. Don’t force it. Let your voice heal.” The man asserted. “Here, drink some more water.” So, Jiang Cheng did.

He studied the man more as he slowly drank. His face was completely open and ecstatic. He was clearly happy he was awake. He seemed to enjoy being in his presence as well even though Jiang Cheng had spoken only one word to him. He seemed to know him too and very well at that if his familiarity with him was any clue. He was also very touchy. Even now, his other hand was holding his and rubbing his skin with his thumb. Suddenly, the man tucked a piece of hair that had fallen into his face behind his ear. He froze because he had caressed his cheek lightly along the way.

“Your hair is so long now. It’s time to cut it.” The man said. He smiled down at him. “I’m so glad that you’re alive. You’ve come back to me.” The man leaned down and pressed his forehead to his. Jiang Cheng didn’t dare move. “They all told me to give up. They said you were never going to wake up. They said it was futile, but I never gave up and I’m so glad I never did, that I held onto you. And now look!” The man drew away, a large smile spreading over his face as he placed his hands on the side of his face and cupped his cheeks with his hands. Jiang Cheng felt his cheeks warm. “You’ve woken up! Just like I knew you would because you are a fighter! Always have been!”

The man sighed in contentment. “You’re here.” Tears made slow tracks down his cheeks. “You’re here.” This man must be someone he held dear if he was this emotional over him being awake. He wished he could talk to him more, but he felt his eyelids drooping.

“Don’t fight it. Go ahead and sleep. It’s fine. I’ll still be here when you wake up.” The man assured as he used the remote to lay him back down. With that assurance, Jiang Cheng fell asleep quickly.

When Jiang Cheng woke up again, the man was still there as promised, but this time he wasn’t smiling. There was a rigidness to his shoulders and even though he smiled at him, it looked apologetic and that’s when he realized they were not alone. There was a group of people on the other side of the room. It didn’t escape Jiang Cheng’s notice that the man and those people were keeping their distance from each other and none of the other people were approaching him. It made him feel on edge seeing this man that he had quickly come to trust displeased that these people were even here.

“Hi, Jiang Cheng. I’m so glad you’re awake.” One spoke. He had a smile on his face that Jiang Cheng could tell was more sheepish than anything. The person behind him was beautiful in an ethereal way, but his whole countenance reminded Jiang Cheng of a statue. He didn’t know why, but he didn’t feel pleased to see him there.

“You were asleep for such a long time. We didn’t think—.” The woman’s voice choked with tears. She was petite, only reaching the smiling man’s shoulders. Her eyes were the same color and the same shape as Jiang Cheng’s, but that’s where the resemblance ended. Was she a sibling? He couldn’t be sure. There was a man behind her as well, but Jiang Cheng didn’t have a strong reaction to him. Overall, the other people in the room were making him feel uneasy and he couldn’t understand why. It didn’t help that the man beside him looked like he was biting his tongue from saying something and his jaw was clenched. Did he think they were disingenuous?

“How do you feel?” The woman continued once she got herself under control.

“I—.” Jiang Cheng croaked, but he began coughing once more. The man beside him was quick to get him water and he drank it gratefully.

“You have a nephew now.” The woman said. “His name is Jin Ling and he’s three years old. Maybe…” and here she hesitated. “Maybe you could meet him? I could bring him here.” Why did he feel a pang in his chest when she mentioned having a son?

“You want to ingratiate yourself to him now after everything?” The man beside him snapped. It seemed he could no longer hold back his anger.

“He almost died! You can’t fault us for wanting to make amends!” The woman exclaimed. Huh. She looked meek, but it seems that she could put her foot down when required. It didn’t sway the man beside him though. He had scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“We’re trying.” The smiling man said. The smile was gone now and it was replaced by frustration and anger. His scent of cinnamon and cardamom was starting to fill the room and Jiang Cheng recoiled. He felt the man squeeze his hand seeing him. Thankfully, when the no longer smiling man saw his reaction, he reigned it in.

“It’s too little too late.” The man beside him said. “I let you see him. Now, he needs some rest.”

“Shouldn’t you let Jiang Cheng decide for himself what he wants?” The no longer smiling man snapped.

“Don’t you remember the last time I let you be around him?” The man said, his voice low in rancor. That quieted the newcomers. “I think I can speak for A-Cheng in this at least.” The two didn’t look happy about it, but they left along with the two other people with them. The statue glared one more time at the man before leaving, but the man only arched his eyebrow in response.

“I’m sorry.” The man said. He sounded drained, but he rubbed the back of his hand with his thumb in soothing circles as if he was the one who needed comforting and not him. “They had to be told. I knew you would hate it if I didn’t tell them despite everything that’s happened.”

“We—.” Jiang Cheng hated that he coughed every time he tried to talk. He could still feel the breathing tube down his throat even though it had been taken out.

“You don’t have to talk. Let your voice rest.” The man said, running his hands through his hair. Only, his fingers got snagged in tangles. “Hm. I have to brush your hair. I’ll do that later. For now, you should rest.”

Jiang Cheng’s eyes began to get heavy at the reminder and the man laid him back down. Soon, he fell asleep.

Chapter Text

When he woke up again, nurses were massaging his arms and legs.

“Good morning!” The nurse said when she noticed that he was awake. He believed she had said her name was Trina at some point. “We’re just massaging your body to keep up your circulation. Glad to see you awake.” Jiang Cheng nodded. “Can you squeeze my hand for me?” Jiang Cheng did and was glad to see that he was able to. Trina smiled widely. “Great! You’re starting to get movement back. You’ll be recovering in no time!”

“Can you wiggle your toes?” The other nurse, Jenny, said. She had been massaging his legs. Jiang Cheng did. “Good! That’s good. You’ll have to relearn a lot of things, but you are at least getting some mobility back.”

“What happened to me?” Jiang Cheng asked. He could finally get a sentence out without feeling like something was lodged in his throat. His voice still sounded hoarse though. If only the man was here. Jiang Cheng had no doubts that he would’ve been happy to hear him speak. Why did he miss him? Why had he anticipated that he would always be there? Surely, he had a life outside of just visiting him. He must have a job and loved ones to take care of.

“You were in a horrible car accident. We weren’t sure you were going to make it, but you luckily pulled through. You fell into a coma due to the severe brain trauma and have been in one for five years. Do you remember the accident at all?” Trina asked.

“No.” Jiang Cheng said.

“What was the last thing you remember?” Trina asked. Jiang Cheng tried to think back, but everything was blank. He couldn’t remember anything. He gave Trina a helpless look. “What’s your name?”

“Jiang Cheng.” He said. Okay, he at least remembered that.

“Your date of birth?” Trina asked.

“November 5th, 1985.” Jiang Cheng answered.

“How old are you?” Trina asked.

“32. Wait…I’ve been in a coma for five years? Then I guess I’m 37.” Jiang Cheng said.

“Well, you’re still 36. It’s August.” Trina corrected. Suddenly, there was a knock and the man came in with packed bags. He smiled seeing him awake and rushed up to him on his other side.

“Good morning! This is the first time seeing you awake in the morning! You look better already. There’s color in your cheeks now.” The man commented, brushing the back of his fingers against it. Jiang Cheng blushed.

“Yeah…” Jiang Cheng said.

“Oh! Your voice sounds so much better!” The man exclaimed happily. He squeezed his hand and when Jiang Cheng squeezed back the man gasped happily. The nurses were watching the interaction closely.

“Jiang Cheng. Do you know who this is?” Trina asked gently. The man froze and then looked between the nurses and Jiang Cheng.

“I’m sorry. I don’t.” Jiang Cheng admitted. The man’s face went from shocked to devastated very quickly. “I was trying to tell you, but…” His voice trailed off because even to him it sounded like an excuse. He didn’t like making excuses and for some reason, he felt like he hated it even more when it was the man he was making excuses to. Instead of looking angry, however, the man looked understanding.

“Because you were still recovering from being intubated.” The man said. Jiang Cheng nodded. “Well, I’m Nie Huaisang and I’m your husband.”

“My husband?” Jiang Cheng asked incredulously. He was married to someone this gorgeous???

“Yeah.” Nie Huaisang said. He smiled at him, but it was a very watery smile. He hadn’t let go of his hand this entire time, but when he saw Jiang Cheng looking, he withdrew it. Jiang Cheng should’ve felt relieved, but instead he felt loss.

“I’ll call the neurologist to do some tests to see how much of your memory you had lost. You had suffered severe brain trauma so we won’t know how exactly it’ll effect you and how severely.” Trina said. Jiang Cheng nodded. It made sense.

The nurses left soon after that, leaving him and Nie Huaisang alone.

“So you didn’t know who I was this entire time?” Nie Huaisang asked. Jiang Cheng shook his head. “I’m sorry. I’ve been really touchy feely with you and you had no idea who I was.”

“No, it’s fine.” Jiang Cheng said, his cheeks aflame. “I…I didn’t mind. Um…I felt really comfortable with you. I still feel comfortable with you. I just didn’t know why and now that I know…it makes sense. Maybe my body remembers what my mind doesn’t?” Nie Huaisang smiled and he went back to holding his hand.

“So the people yesterday…?” Nie Huaisang asked.

“I don’t remember who they are just that I felt uneasy around them. I’m guessing you don’t get along with them?” Jiang Cheng asked. Nie Huaisang’s eyes hardened.

“That was your older sister and your adoptive brother. The man, the one who always smiles, his name is Wei Ying and the person that stood behind him is his husband, Lan Zhan.”

“I don’t think I like Lan Zhan. I had this feeling…” Jiang Cheng interjected.

“You don’t and he doesn’t like you either. He used to be my childhood friend, but he isn’t anymore.” Nie Huaisang said. “The woman is your biological sister, Jiang Yanli, and the man behind her was her husband, Jin Zixuan.”

“Oh. What about my parents?” Jiang Cheng asked. Nie Huaisang’s face hardened even more.

“If it were up to me, you’d never see them again, but I was going to leave it up to you on whether or not you wanted to. I barred them entry to come see you for now, but if you want to see them, then I can change their status. Do you remember them?” Nie Huaisang asked. Jiang Cheng thought about it. A pressure was building behind his eyes as he tried, but he pushed himself to remember something. His hard work paid off as he slowly began getting fuzzy images flashing behind his eyelids.

He couldn’t remember their faces, but he could remember the tongue lashings from his mother. He could remember his father dismissing and gaslighting him. He could remember their fighting because of him. He could remember…

Jiang Cheng grimaced in pain as his head began to hurt from straining to remember. He groaned, closing his eyes tightly. The light was suddenly too bright.

“A-Cheng?” Nie Huaisang exclaimed in worry and distress, but it only served to make his head hurt even more. He wished he could cover his face and his arms twitched from his want. His limbs still weren’t listening to him.

Soon there were nurses rushing in and Jiang Cheng guessed they gave him pain meds because the next thing he knew, he slipped into oblivion.

“…He will have to remember at his own pace. Too much and it might cause him harm. We’ll just have to keep monitoring him for now.” A voice said.

“So I pushed him too hard?” Nie Huaisang asked fearfully.

“No.” Jiang Cheng said, his eyes fluttering open. “I wanted to remember at least something.” When Jiang Cheng looked over at Nie Huaisang, he was looking at him with so much softness.

“That’s so like you.” Nie Huaisang said fondly, shaking his head.

“Hi, Jiang Cheng. My name is Dr. Zurich and I’ll be your neurologist. How are you feeling?” She asked.

“My head still aches.” Jiang Cheng said.

“It might still hurt for a while. I’ll come back another time so we can run some tests and see what you remember and what you don’t.” Dr. Zurich said.

“Okay.” Jiang Cheng said.

“I’ll let you rest.” Dr. Zurich said and left.

“I’m sorry.” Jiang Cheng said. “I really wish I could remember you.” Nie Huaisang smiled in reassurance.

“There’s no need to be sorry. You woke up from your coma. You’ll remember eventually. I’ll wait for as long as I need to.” Nie Huaisang said.

“And if I don’t ever remember?” Jiang Cheng asked.

“I’ll still be here. Even if you don’t remember, we can make new memories together.” Nie Huaisang said.

“But what if at the end of this, I decide to leave you? What if I don’t fall in love with you?” Jiang Cheng pushed.

“Personally, I don’t see that happening. Because if you loved me once, you can love me again. And besides, what’s not to love about me?” Nie Huaisang said with full confidence. Jiang Cheng felt the urge to roll his eyes, so he did, making Nie Huaisang grin. But then he grew serious. “If that were to happen…” Nie Huaisang looked away. “I’d be devastated truthfully, but I can’t force you to stay with me. In the end, it’s up to you.” Jiang Cheng looked down. “Hey, there’s no pressure alright? We can take our time. Come on, I bet you’re hungry. You haven’t really eaten since waking up.” He was right. Jiang Cheng felt like he was starving. “You can’t have solid foods yet, but I brought you some soup.”

“Thank you.” Jiang Cheng said. Nie Huaisang smiled widely.

“It’s no problem at all. You don’t even have to thank me.” Nie Huaisang said. He lifted the top of his bed so that he was sitting up. He brought the tray over and began unpacking the soup he brought. It was in a thermos so it was still steaming. Nie Huaisang dipped a spoon into the broth before blowing on it until it had cooled down. He held the spoon out to him and Jiang Cheng opened his mouth so that he could feed him with a blush on his face. The richness of the broth coated his tongue nicely. “Like it?”

“Yeah. It’s good.” Jiang Cheng said. Nie Huaisang beamed.

“I made it. It was my brother’s recipe. He always made this soup when I was sick.” Nie Huaisang said. There was a tinge of sadness to his voice.

“You have a brother?” Jiang Cheng asked. Nie Huaisang’s smile became sad.

“He was my older half-brother. He died 10 years ago from brain cancer shortly after our wedding.” Nie Huaisang said.

“I’m sorry.” Jiang Cheng said. Nie Huaisang shook his head.

“He’s no longer suffering.” Nie Huaisang said. “Besides, you were there for me with everything.” They fell silent as Nie Huaisang continued to feed him the soup happily.

“You were happy with me?” Jiang Cheng asked. Nie Huaisang smiled. He did that a lot. It was beautiful.

“The happiest.” Nie Huaisang said.

Jiang Cheng took time to process everything Nie Huaisang told him. They were in a happy marriage. So then what happened between him and his family? Nie Huaisang seemed hostile towards his siblings. And if looks could kill, Nie Huaisang would’ve dropped dead from how hard Lan Zhan glared at him. Things must’ve happened while he was in his coma.

The poke to the space between his brows jolted him out of his thoughts.

“What?” Jiang Cheng asked.

“You’ll get wrinkles if you keep frowning like that.” Nie Huaisang said to which Jiang Cheng answered by frowning even more and Nie Huaisang laughed. “Where’d you go?” Jiang Cheng blinked in surprise. “You tend to brood, so I always ask you where you go to find out what you’re thinking about.”

“Oh.” Jiang Cheng said. He looked down at his hands. He didn’t even realize he had finished his soup. “Everything is just a lot.”

“I can imagine that. Take your time. Be patient with yourself. You’re never gonna get rid of me no matter what.” Nie Huaisang said. “Because even if you don’t come to love me, I’d like to remain your friend at least. As long as I still have you in my life, I’ll be satisfied.” But would he? Jiang Cheng couldn’t help but wonder. He had said his brother died shortly after their wedding, so that meant they had been married for a decade at this point. How long had they been together in total? Had they known each other before they had gotten together? He couldn’t imagine Nie Huaisang being okay with just being friends with him.

Nie Huaisang’s expression softened seeing Jiang Cheng still worrying about him. Even with everything, he was still so kind. He wished more people could see that. “You should get some more rest.” Jiang Cheng shook his head.

“I’ve had enough of sleeping.” Jiang Cheng said. “You always seem to be here when I wake up for the most part. Do you not have work?”

“I’m a freelance artist and cultural consultant for museums. A lot of my work can be done remotely.” Nie Huaisang said. “The only time my presence is physically demanded is when I’m curating shows, but I’m in between projects and now that you’re awake, I’ll be taking a break from new requests.” Jiang Cheng frowned.

“Don’t stop your life for me.” Jiang Cheng said.

“I’m not. You are my life. Taking care of you when you need me is part of it.” Nie Huaisang said. Jiang Cheng still didn’t feel satisfied. “You don’t have to worry about me.”

“I wasn’t.” Jiang Cheng quickly disagreed. Nie Huaisang gave him a knowing smile, but graciously didn’t call him out on his lie.

“Well, since you don’t want to sleep, then I’ll help you go through your exercises.” Nie Huaisang said.

“My exercises?” Jiang Cheng asked.

“So that you don’t get bed sores. The nurses taught me how and they left me the duty of moving your limbs.” Nie Huaisang said.

“Oh okay.” Jiang Cheng said.

“Try to picture that you’re the one moving your limbs and not me.” Nie Huaisang said. Jiang Cheng nodded. “Another movement unlocked!” He exclaimed excitedly. Jiang Cheng blushed at his exuberance and continued blushing as Nie Huaisang casually maneuvered his limbs in different motions. He did as Nie Huaisang asked and envisioned it was him moving his own limbs. When he went to lift his leg up, bending his knee and pushing it up towards his torso, he became painfully aware that he didn’t have anything on underneath his gown.

“What are you doing?” Jiang Cheng squeaked before Nie Huaisang could lift his leg completely. He hated how he couldn’t move away from him. Nie Huaisang paused.

“We have to keep your body limber so that you’ll have the strength to walk again. You’ve been in a coma for five years. You’ve lost a lot of muscle.” Nie Huaisang explained.

“I’m not wearing anything under this.” Jiang Cheng said, his voice strained.

“Aw! Are you shy? I’ve seen you naked before. Several times.” Nie Huaisang teased.

“But I don’t remember any of that.” Jiang Cheng snapped and immediately regretted it. Nie Huaisang looked away and bit his lip, his eyes becoming glassy with unshed tears. “I’m sorry.” He said quickly, hating to see his pained expression. Nie Huaisang shook his head.

“You don’t need to be.” Nie Huaisang said. He sounded choked up and Jiang Cheng hated hearing how emotional he sounded. “I’ll go get a nurse to finish up.”

Before Jiang Cheng could say anything else as an apology, Nie Huaisang had left the room. Soon a nurse came in to finish where he had left off. They could tell he was in a bad mood, so didn’t speak as they finished them.

Jiang Cheng felt absolutely horrible. He didn’t mean to make Nie Huaisang feel bad. He didn’t need the reminder that he had forgotten his existence. Why did he even care about his feelings anyways? He was practically a stranger! But he wasn’t a stranger to Nie Huaisang, Jiang Cheng countered his thought. He was his husband. But he didn’t remember, he lamented.

Jiang Cheng sat in turmoil long after the nurse had left. Nie Huaisang didn’t come back for the rest of the day. He had done that. He had hurt the person who had been nothing but kind and had been taking care of him since he’d woken up. Hell, he most likely had been taking care of him the entire time he’d been in a coma. He always did this! He always ruined everything around him and he hated it! The self-hatred he felt was familiar in a way that nothing else had been since he’d woken up. Would he stay broken like this forever?

Chapter Text

Jiang Cheng was afraid to wake up the next morning. Would Nie Huaisang still not be there? He didn’t want to admit how lonely he had been the rest of the day without him there or how much his thoughts had spiraled after Nie Huaisang had left. But he had to face the consequences of his actions. His mother didn’t raise him to run away from his problems (huh. He remembered that at least even if he didn’t remember her face). So, he opened his eyes and saw Nie Huaisang sitting in the chair next to his bed, typing away at his laptop. He wore glasses, which shocked Jiang Cheng, but he supposed he could’ve been wearing contacts. Or maybe it was those glasses that protects someone from the blue light in the computer? Regardless, he looked good in them.

His expression was uncharacteristically serious, but he looked like he was hard at work at something. He was frowning down at the screen and then typed furiously at the keyboard. It was when he adjusted his glasses that Nie Huaisang looked up and noticed he was awake. The smile was back as if yesterday hadn’t happened. As if Jiang Cheng hadn’t hurt him so much that he hadn’t come back until now.

“You’re here.” Jiang Cheng said. His voice sounded clipped, but Nie Huaisang just kept smiling.

“Of course.” Nie Huaisang said.

“You never came back.” Jiang Cheng said. It sounded like an accusation and this time Nie Huaisang’s smile faltered. But who’s fault was it that he never came back? A voice said.

“I’m sorry. Did…did you want me to come back?” Nie Huaisang asked hesitantly. Jiang Cheng huffed.

“You’re free to do whatever you want.” Jiang Cheng snapped. He could feel his anger and frustration surging and he tried to swallow it down, tried to staunch it. This isn’t how this was supposed to go, Jiang Cheng thought helplessly, but he couldn’t stop himself from blurting out: “Why didn’t you come back?”

“I needed some space.” Nie Huaisang said.

“‘Some space.’” Jiang Cheng repeated. Why was this making him so angry? He looked away. He couldn’t look at Nie Huaisang’s face because he felt like he would say something he’d regret again, but it didn’t stop him from continuing on. “You could’ve told me you weren’t going to come back! Or you could’ve told the nurses to tell me at least! But you just left me and I was scared to wake up because I thought you weren’t ever going to come back!” His tirade cut off when Nie Huaisang gathered him into his arms and hugged him close, being careful of all the wires and tubes that were still attached to him.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel abandoned.” Nie Huaisang said, holding him tight. “I’ll tell you from now on if I don’t plan on coming back, okay? I promise.” Jiang Cheng relaxed in his arms. He could trust him, that much he knew.

Nie Huaisang was so warm and having him hug him felt like deja vu. With great difficulty, Jiang Cheng lifted his arms and hugged Nie Huaisang back. He gasped and held onto Jiang Cheng tighter. His shoulder was getting suspiciously damp as Nie Huaisang buried his face into it. Jiang Cheng couldn’t hold his arms up for long and they dropped to the bed, but that seemed enough for Nie Huaisang as he choked on a sob.

“It’s been so long since I felt your hug.” Nie Huaisang cried. “Did you know you give the best hugs?” Jiang Cheng cleared his throat in embarrassment.

“Then I guess I have to hug you more often then.” Jiang Cheng said. He was glad Nie Huaisang was still hugging him so that he couldn’t see how much he was blushing. Jiang Cheng immediately missed his touch when Nie Huaisang pulled away. He wiped away his tears and began lifting the bed up.

“I brought you breakfast.” Nie Huaisang said. “You’re still not allowed solids, but we’ll make due with the soup.”

“Are you even allowed to bring me outside food?” Jiang Cheng asked as Nie Huaisang laid out the soup and utensils.

“Who knows.” Nie Huaisang shrugged. He proceeded to feed him like he did the previous day. It was a different soup, Jiang Cheng noticed. Here Nie Huaisang was, taking care of him again and he couldn’t even apologize to him properly. “Where did you go?” Jiang Cheng looked up at Nie Huaisang’s inquisitive look. He had again finished his food without even realizing it.

“I’m sorry.” Jiang Cheng said. “What I said yesterday was insensitive. I didn’t need to rub this situation we’re in in your face. You were only trying to help.”

“No. I had crossed a boundary. You had the right to be angry.” Nie Huaisang said. Jiang Cheng’s brain short circuited. For some reason he felt like that wasn’t true, that he should’ve reigned his anger in. Why did he have a blurry vision of a man looking down at him in disdain? Why did he see Jiang Yanli’s face looking at him in disapproval?

“I hadn’t even asked if you were okay with me doing your exercises nor did I tell you what they would entail.” Nie Huaisang continued. “I’m truly sorry for crossing your boundaries. I’ll do better in asking first before doing stuff like that. You may be my husband, but to you I’m a stranger and I need to remember that.” Jiang Cheng’s frown deepened. This felt wrong too, like he wasn’t used to anyone keeping his boundaries or respecting him enough to realize when they’ve crossed them and be genuinely sorry for it. Why did he see Wei Ying’s wide smile as he laughed at him and why did it irk him so much?

“A-Cheng? Are you okay?” Nie Huaisang asked. Jiang Cheng blinked out of his spiraling thoughts and looked down at his empty bowl.

“I’m okay.” Jiang Cheng said, but his voice sounded husky, so he cleared it. He could feel Nie Huaisang studying his face and Jiang Cheng schooled his features. “Thank you for the food. It was delicious.”

“This was one of your recipes. You’re an excellent cook. Much better than me, so it goes without saying that it would’ve tasted better if you had made it.” Nie Huaisang said. “Your family is in the restaurant industry and before you cut them off, you’d been overseeing the management of all the restaurants your family owns.”

“Oh. What did I do after?” Jiang Cheng asked. He wasn’t much surprised hearing that he had cut off his family. Whenever he thought about his two siblings, he had mixed feelings about them and whenever he thought about his parents, those mixed feelings were even worse. There were also the small memories he had gained back from their previous conversation that he had quickly stowed away to think about later when he was alone.

“You had written a very popular travel blog where you would critique the food in different restaurants around the world.” Nie Huaisang said and here, Nie Huaisang’s face brightened. “I would travel with you on your jobs a lot of the time unless I had an exhibition of course. You often got sponsored by different agencies to fly out, try the food of a chosen restaurant, and write about your experience in the blog. You would also vlog your experience and post it on YouTube.”

“And this is a stable job for me?” Jiang Cheng asked skeptically.

“Yep! Between my work and your job, we make a decent amount of money. You were even slated to create your own reality TV show on the Food Network before the accident happened! Do you want to see your blog and YouTube Channel?” Nie Huaisang asked.

“Sure.” Jiang Cheng replied. He was still skeptical. How could this be lucrative? But the evidence was right in front of him. His blog was ranked first in the country for travel blogs and fifth overall. It had won several awards for writing and content and several millions of people read them from all over the world. “These dates are recent.”

“Our friend and your manager/editor, Shang Qinghua, had taken over the blog and travels with his husband, Mobei Jun. He’s really good at mimicking your writer’s voice. People are aware of your situation, but still tune in. You have a lot of loyal readers. People always ask about your wellbeing in the comments and were extremely happy to learn that you’ve woken up from your coma.

“You’ll see Shang Qinghua next week as he has been in Iceland for the next blog. When he learned you were awake, he wanted to cut the trip short, but I urged him to finish it because it’s what you would’ve wanted.

“Shen Yuan and Luo Binghe, some of our other friends, got married a couple weeks ago and are on honeymoon. They also wanted to cut their trip short, but again, I had to urge them to stay because you wouldn’t want them to stop their life. Oh! I’ll show you pictures of their wedding! They had the ceremony in here! It’s a shame that it was just two weeks before you woke up.” Nie Huaisang said, fiddling with his phone to find photos. It seemed he had forgotten all about his travel blog and YouTube channel.

“Why?” Jiang Cheng asked. “Shouldn’t they have gone someplace better?”

“They wanted you in their wedding no matter what.” Nie Huaisang said. “You were supposed to be Shen Yuan’s best man because he was yours at our wedding. It was the promise you two made. They couldn’t imagine having the wedding without you there, so even if you were in a coma, they felt you were still there in spirit.”

“Did you really believe I would wake up?” Jiang Cheng asked.

“I had no doubt about it. You’ve always fought so hard to live. This was no different.” Nie Huaisang said without hesitation. “And it wasn’t just me. The only reason Shen Yuan and Luo Binghe had waited so long to get married was because they knew you would wake up, but alas, Shen Yuan was getting pressured by his family to get married. So it was with great difficulty that he got married before you woke up. Shang Qinghua with support of Mobei Jun kept up the blog because they believed you’d wake up.”

Jiang Cheng stewed on that for several minutes in silence. He supposed then that he was loved. He felt the corner of his lips curl upwards in a small smile and when he turned back to Nie Huaisang, he was smiling too.

“So this blog and YouTube channel is something I wanted to do?” Jiang Cheng asked.

“Yep! You had been doing it secretly since high school and went to local restaurants, but as soon as you cut off your family, you did it full time and expanded to across the US and then around the world.” Nie Huaisang said. “Another great thing happened when you cut off your family.”

“What?” Jiang Cheng asked when it seemed like he wasn’t going to continue.

“You asked me out.” Nie Huaisang said giddily. “It was one of the best days of my life. I’ve liked you since middle school and I had an inkling that my feelings were reciprocated, but you waited so long to confess to me and I didn’t want to assume…We were 25 at the time you asked me out.”

“Since middle school?” Jiang Cheng asked incredulously. “So we’ve known each other for a long time then…”

“Since elementary school.” Nie Huaisang said with a nostalgic smile.

“Why did it take me cutting off my family to confess to you?” Jiang Cheng asked. He was sure that he had liked him for a significant amount of time before then. He didn’t know why he knew this. Perhaps his memory was coming back bit by bit.

“How do I say this lightly…I don’t want to give you an opinion of your family without you figuring it out on your own—.”

“I think I already have an idea.” Jiang Cheng cut him off. Nie Huaisang blinked and then laughed. Was it him or was it a nervous laugh?

“I guess there are things that are hard to forget.” Nie Huaisang said, but there was something underlying in his voice that sounded hurt. Jiang Cheng searched Nie Huaisang’s face. He wasn’t giving anything away, but Jiang Cheng couldn’t shake this feeling.

“I don’t think you are one of those things that are easy to forget.” Jiang Cheng said. Nie Huaisang froze, his eyes widening. “When I woke up, I was very confused. Awareness was only coming in pieces and I had no idea where I was, what had happened to me, or really any awareness that I had been gone for so long. But then I heard your voice and immediately, I felt relaxed and that everything was going to be okay. I saw your ugly crying face and thought this was right. I trusted you wholeheartedly and I still do.

“I remember impressions I think and waking up to you was like deja vu.”

For the second time that day, he found himself in Nie Huaisang’s arms, but this tine he wept openly against him. Jiang Cheng lifted his arms and hugged him until he couldn’t hold his arms up anymore. They stayed like that until there was a knock at the door. Nie Huaisang pulled away and Nie Huaisang wiped away his tears and let them in.

It was Dr. Zurich to run her tests to see how much memory Jiang Cheng had lost. Upon Jiang Cheng’s assurance that Nie Huaisang could stay, Dr. Zurich settled in next to him and they began. It turned out he remembered things he learned and certain skills. He remembered things about himself, like his personality and some of his childhood even though he didn’t remember the people in it. But things that happened to him in more recent years was completely gone. Dr. Zurich told Nie Huaisang to show things that might jog Jiang Cheng’s memory and they made a plan.

“I also recommend you getting a therapist.” Dr. Zurich said. “You had a severe brain injury and oxygen had been cut from your brain for quite a while before we could resuscitate you, so we are unsure what effects that will have on you mood wise. I know they have explained this to you, Nie Huaisang, but there is no telling how much has changed.”

“We’ll look into it. Thank you, doctor.” Nie Huaisang said.

“Thank you.” Jiang Cheng echoed. The doctor left.

“Would you like to look at more of your blog posts?” Nie Huaisang asked.

“Yeah.” Jiang Cheng said and they did that for the rest of the day.

A knock at the door startled Jiang Cheng out of the blog post he was currently reading. He was wearing Nie Huaisang’s blue light protector glasses because he found that if he looked at the computer screen too long without them, he got debilitating migraines. The glasses, plus turning the blue light off indefinitely on the laptop, greatly helped minimize them.

“Come in.” Nie Huaisang said. The door opened slowly to two men he didn’t recognize. There was one man who he couldn’t tell if he was short or if his companion was just that tall. He had mousy features that made him look pretty and almost delicate and seemed nervous as he entered the room, wringing his hands in front of him. His eyes darted to Jiang Cheng’s face after looking everywhere else first. He seemed to shrink a bit at Jiang Cheng’s assessing look. The man behind him looked stoic and his skin was naturally pale with jet black hair. He had a large, muscular build, the complete opposite of the mousy man who was small (in comparison to the other man) and chubby. Seeing him, the larger man gave a small quirk of a smile that seemed rare coming from him and a bit awkward.

“A-Cheng, this is Shang Qinghua and Mobei Jun.” Nie Huaisang said.

“My manager/editor/ghost writer and his husband.” Jiang Cheng recited.

“That’s right!” Nie Huaisang exclaimed.

“I would say nice to meet you, but you know me already.” Jiang Cheng said. At his joking tone, Shang Qinghua sighed in relief and came closer. Did he think he was going to blow up in his face?

“We’re so happy that you’re awake!” Shang Qinghua exclaimed. “How are you doing?”

“I’m fine.” Jiang Cheng shrugged. “I have more mobility in my upper body now.” The nurses came every day to do his exercises and gave Jiang Cheng small weights now that he could move his arms. He had been dutifully lifting them and now he could feed himself (he could eat solid food now too), drink water by himself, and use the laptop Nie Huaisang brought him from home on his own. They even said he might be able to try standing soon since he could lift his legs up at least a little.

“That’s great! Sorry we weren’t here when you woke up.” Shang Qinghua said. He sounded genuinely regretful.

“It’s fine. I heard you were in Iceland?” Jiang Cheng prompted, curious despite himself. Shang Qinghua’s face completely lit up as he talked wholeheartedly and at great length and detail about all the food they ate there. He began showing him the notes he took for the blog and all the pictures of the dishes he would be including (they looked delicious) and gave him his honest reviews. And it really was interesting. He found himself regretting that he couldn’t have gone and tasted it himself.

“I’ll have to take you there sometime. You would have definitely loved their seafood. Oh! And their icecream is absolutely delicious too. You not-so-secretly have a sweet tooth.” Shang Qinghua said. “When you’ve fully recovered you can go back to running the blog. If you want to, of course! There’s absolutely no pressure! You might decide to discontinue it and that’s okay too! Agh, don’t listen to me!”

“Qinghua.” Mobei Jun said. Shang Qinghua relaxed then from just Mobei Jun calling his name.

“I think I want to try cooking.” Jiang Cheng said. They all looked at each other before giving him wide smiles (well, Nie Huaisang and Shang Qinghua gave wide smiles. Mobei Jun’s eyes maybe twinkled a little).

“That can be arranged when you come home.” Nie Huaisang said happily.

“What?” Jiang Cheng asked. “Why is it so surprising that I want to try cooking?”

“Because!” Shang Qinghua exclaimed excitedly, but he was vibrating too much under his skin to continue.

“It’s because you are displaying interest in something you’ve always loved to do even if you don’t all the way remember that you like doing it!” Nie Huaisang said. “I’m sure you’ll remember everything as soon as you start cooking again!”

“Muscle memory.” Mobei Jun agreed. They all looked so excited that Jiang Cheng had to look away. It wasn’t like Jiang Cheng could help it! Seeing all the places he had gone to and all the food he had tried made him want to make it himself. He even had recipes in some of his blog posts and it all looked so good, he had to try and make them.

“Don’t worry. He’s just shy.” Nie Huaisang teased.

“I’m not shy!” Jiang Cheng snapped and then they started bickering. This too felt familiar as he huffed and replied back to Nie Huaisang’s provocations.

Shang Qinghua smiled at Mobei Jun. There was nothing for them to worry about. They would be okay. But they still couldn’t help feeling sadness. What would happen when Jiang Cheng fully remembered everything? When he realized everything they’d lost?

“If you’d like, you can start blogging when you leave the hospital?” Shang Qinghua said when Nie Huaisang’s and Jiang Cheng’s bickering finally stopped. “People would love to hear from you again.”

“I’ll think about it.” Jiang Cheng said. Shang Qinghua smiled.

“We’ll be back. Be prepared for Cucum—Shen Yuan and Luo Binghe.” Shang Qinghua said. “Luo Binghe is most definitely going to cry all over you.”

“Wait. What were you about to call him?” Jiang Cheng asked, but the two were gone before he could finish asking.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s an inside joke between Shen Yuan and Shang Qinghua.” Nie Huaisang said dismissively. Jiang Cheng decided to not ask anymore questions and went back to reading his blogs. There was a lot to catch up on.

Chapter Text

Everything was pitch black, but he could hear sounds of cars driving. He could hear the sounds of crying. Was it him that was crying? He heard buzzing as if a conversation was happening, but he couldn’t make out any of the words. More crying? There was a honk from behind him? And then he heard the sounds of tires screeching and the scraping sound of metal being crushed underneath something. He heard voices—concerned voices? Panicked voices?—before all the sounds disappeared and there was nothing.

And then there was a fuzzy image of him and Nie Huaisang together with someone else who was much smaller, but he couldn’t see the image clearly. All he knew was that that third person was fading away and he ran and ran and ran desperately to catch that small person before they disappeared, but as soon as he grasped them, they were gone.

Jiang Cheng gasped awake and immediately began to panic. Where was he? What happened? Why was it so dark? Was he dead? Why did he feel such a huge sense of loss? His heart beat wildly in his chest as he gasped for air. And then it was too bright.

“A-Cheng, ssh.” A man said. His voice was so soothing and his arms were so warm as he held him. “Shh, it’s okay. I’m here. You’re going to be okay.”

He felt fingers running through his hair and he began to calm down. A door opened and he heard the buzzing of voices, but he didn’t much focus on that. He focused on the heartbeat against his ear and focused on timing his breathing with the man’s—Nie Huaisang, his brain belatedly supplied now that he wasn’t in the midst of panicking. He was in the hospital. He’d woken up from a five-year coma three weeks ago. He was alive.

“Did you have that nightmare again?” Nie Huaisang asked softly. He was still running his fingers through his hair. Jiang Cheng nodded, not trusting his voice to speak, and snuggled closer to Nie Huaisang. He wrapped his arms around him, glad that he had the strength to reciprocate the hugs now. He could sit up on his own now too and change positions (with great difficulty) on his own. He was gaining more independence and Nie Huaisang always looked overjoyed at every milestone. Jiang Cheng wanted to keep seeing the proud look in his eyes, so he tried his hardest to keep it there.

His thoughts soon grew sluggish as he began to fall back asleep. Nie Huaisang continued to hold him. The fingers running through his hair and massaging his scalp was so soothing that soon he couldn’t keep his eyes open. It wasn’t long before he was falling back asleep.

Was he still sleeping? He wasn’t sure because he could still feel fingers running through his hair. Come to think of it, his hair was shorter in this instance. And his head was laying on something warm; not the pillow in the hospital. This must be a dream.

“Why do you continue to put up with this?” Nie Huaisang asked. He opened his eyes and looked up into Nie Huaisang’s face. It was younger now, more open and less tired. The surroundings were blurry, so he couldn’t make much out of them, but he intrinsically knew that he was in Nie Huaisang’s room, laying on his bed. Jiang Cheng was using his lap as a pillow.

“They’re my family. What else am I supposed to do?” Jiang Cheng asked, looking away.

“You don’t have to put up with being treated like shit. Especially from family. You deserve respect. You deserve to be treated like you mean something, like you matter.” Nie Huaisang laid his hand on his cheek and made him look at him in his eyes. Jiang Cheng laid there in shock. “You deserve to be happy.”

Jiang Cheng’s lips parted at Nie Huaisang’s vehemence. Nie Huaisang looked down at him with determination, but mostly sincerity. He knew that Jiang Cheng would not believe him otherwise.

“Who says I'm not happy.” Jiang Cheng snapped. He was met with the expression Nie Huaisang always made when someone said something stupid.

“You are not happy with them.” Nie Huaisang said bluntly and Jiang Cheng couldn’t refute him because it was true. “You’ll be happier without them. You are always happier when you aren’t with them. Why not take your chance to always be happy? You deserve it.

“I’ll help you. I’ll be here for you always.” Nie Huaisang said. Jiang Cheng sat up, but didn’t separate contact with Nie Huaisang. Their knees pressed together on the bed.

“But if I were to leave, what is out there for me? What purpose would I have outside of my family? Outside of my family’s company?” Jiang Cheng asked.

“Your food blog. A-Cheng, you love writing it.” Nie Huaisang said before Jiang Cheng could interject. “You’ve been working on it for years! You’ve always wanted to travel and try foods from different places, make your own recipes. You should pursue it further. Why not take it to new heights?”

“But that’s just a hobby…” Jiang Cheng said.

“A hobby you are already making money off of. Your blog is good. Amazing. Spectacular!” Nie Huaisang gesticulated dramatically. “People love hearing what you have to say. They care about what you have to say.”

“But the money—.”

“We all know you have a shit ton of savings because you barely buy anything for yourself and if you do, it’s only something you need, not what you want. Do something you want to do for a change. A-Cheng, you are so talented. You can definitely make it. You work harder than anyone else I’ve ever met. You can do this and I’ll be here to help.” Nie Huaisang pressed.

“I’ll think about it.” Jiang Cheng said. Nie Huaisang smiled and it took Jiang Cheng’s breath away.

“I know you will.” Nie Huaisang said. He caressed his cheek, but then he realized what he was doing and snatched his hand away. His smile turned apologetic and Jiang Cheng hated seeing it there, but found his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth.

“Thank you, A-Sang.” Jiang Cheng managed.

“Of course. There’s no need to thank me.” Nie Huaisang said. “Now come on. You went to that new restaurant that sprung up, right? Tell me about it.”

“But you’ve already read my blog post.” Jiang Cheng huffed.

“Yeah, but I want to hear you say it.” Nie Huaisang said. Jiang Cheng sighed, but he was pleased at Nie Huaisang’s interest and began recounting his experience. As he talked, the dream faded away.

When Jiang Cheng awoke, he knew that was a memory and not a dream. He looked over at Nie Huaisang who was currently sleeping with his head on his arms on the bed. Nie Huaisang who had supported him constantly. Was it okay to want him to stay? Was it selfish of him to want to keep what he had? He lifted his hand and placed it on the back of Nie Huaisang’s head and he jolted awake.

“Wha? Huh? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Nie Huaisang asked. Jiang Cheng snorted a laugh at Nie Huaisang’s sleep-addled face. He had wrinkles on his face from the bedsheets pressing into his cheeks and his hair was mussed up. Nie Huaisang blinked at him as he laughed and then tears began to fall. Jiang Cheng’s laughter cut off.

“What happened? I’m sorry for laughing at you.” Jiang Cheng fretted. Nie Huaisang shook his head and wiped away his tears. When he looked back at Jiang Cheng, his smile was so wide, his eyes turned into crescents.

“I just missed your laugh. I didn’t know if I’d ever hear it again.” Nie Huaisang said. Jiang Cheng blushed and then coughed.

“It’s only natural that I laugh when you’re here.” Jiang Cheng said, not looking at Nie Huaisang. He felt him squeeze his hand and Jiang Cheng smiled. Still, he kept looking away, too embarrassed by what he said. It felt nice having him near. He wished he would always be here and he hoped that this time, his wish would come true.

“That’s great that you are beginning to remember things!” Dr. Zurich said. “It’s a great sign. It means your memory loss isn’t permanent. Time will tell how long it would take for your memories to return, but taken that they are already starting to come back, it may be sooner rather than later. How’s your physical therapy going?”

“Fine, I guess.” Jiang Cheng said. He could stand now, albeit shakily and he needed a walker to keep him there. The physical therapist had to help him up, but he could stay standing as long as he gripped it. He said he was doing well, but Jiang Cheng was unconvinced. He wanted to be able to walk again. To use the bathroom without a catheter or having to use a bed pan.

“He’s doing excellent. He’s recovering very quickly, according to the physical therapist.” Nie Huaisang said, knowing that Jiang Cheng was downplaying his progress.

“Great! I’m very optimistic about Jiang Cheng’s recovery. Once he is at full strength and can walk again, I’m sure he’ll be able to be discharged.” Dr. Zurich said. “Keep doing those memory exercises I gave you and I will check on your progress again in a few weeks’ time.”

“Thank you, Dr. Zurich!” Nie Huaisang said enthusiastically. Jiang Cheng only nodded and she left.

“Why did you say that?” Jiang Cheng snapped. Nie Huaisang blinked and then understanding passed over him.

“Because it was the truth. Your PT said that you are recovering much faster than a lot of his other patients! You are doing so well. You’re amazing, A-Cheng!” Nie Huaisang exclaimed.

Jiang Cheng wanted to believe him, he really did, but he couldn’t. He felt like he needed to do more in his recovery. He needed to be better. He needed to prove that he was worth all the trouble he gave to Nie Huaisang. Because if he worked hard enough, if he did everything good enough, then maybe Nie Huaisang would be more likely to stay. He’d see his worth and would keep him close because of it.

“I want to do my physical exercises.” Jiang Cheng said.

“Okay.” Nie Huaisang said enthusiastically. He always looked happy to help him and he never complained. He never seemed to be bored being stuck at the hospital either. Jiang Cheng felt guilt rising up in him. He was taking Nie Huaisang away from his work that he seemed to love. Nie Huaisang soon laid out the materials Jiang Cheng needed and helped guide Jiang Cheng through his exercises.

When Jiang Cheng had finished pushing himself through them, he had a sheen of sweat on his skin. Nie Huaisang got a damp washcloth and began wiping him down. He didn’t seem to hate having to do this and no matter how embarrassing it was for Jiang Cheng, Nie Huaisang always changed out the bag at the end of his catheter whenever it got full. Jiang Cheng hated that he couldn’t hold it and just went whenever he had to. Nie Huaisang seemed unphased when he accidentally peed while they were going through his exercises and changed the bag out, putting it aside for the nurse to take it.

And then there was the maneuvering they had to do when he needed the bedpan (he remembered how ecstatic Nie Huaisang and the nurses were when he used it for the first time after he woke up even though it was completely embarrassing for him). Nie Huaisang always cleaned him up without complaint.

Jiang Cheng wondered if he was going to get tired of doing all this for him. He couldn’t help wondering if there was a time limit to all the care he showed him or if he would leave him if he wasn’t good enough.

“I got a request to do an exhibition.” Nie Huaisang said. Jiang Cheng stiffened.

“So you won’t be here as often.” Jiang Cheng stated. Nie Huaisang grasped his hand.

“I haven’t taken the job yet. I wanted to talk to you first.” Nie Huaisang said.

“Why? This is your job. You should do it.” Jiang Cheng said. Nie Huaisang squeezed his hands.

“Because I want your opinion. I…I don’t want to be away from you that long and if I do take the job, I wouldn’t be out late. My condition is that the job doesn’t take me away from you for longer than 5 hours every day.” Nie Huaisang said.

“Wouldn’t that just take longer?” Jiang Cheng asked.

“I can work from here if I need the extra time.” Nie Huaisang said.

“Just take the job. You didn’t need to come to me with this. Just do what you want.” Jiang Cheng said, not looking at Nie Huaisang. This was good. He was going back to work. Jiang Cheng no longer needed to feel guilty about taking him away from doing what he loved, so why did he feel such dread pooling into the pits of his stomach? He felt another squeeze to his hands and this time he looked at Nie Huaisang.

“You’re my husband. I wanted to come to you with this.” Nie Huaisang said with the utmost sincerity. His expression was determined as if he wanted to assure him that no matter what happened, no matter how much he didn’t remember, he was still his beloved. “But since you feel so strongly about this, I’ll take the job.”

“Okay.” Jiang Cheng said, looking down to where their hands were interlaced. He should feel relieved, but he couldn’t muster the emotion. Why did he feel this way at the prospect of Nie Huaisang leaving him? He couldn’t hold onto him like this. He needed to work now more than ever. The hospital bills must be inexhaustive.

“You can call for me at any time and I’ll come.” Nie Huaisang said. “I’ll leave my number next to your phone.”

“Okay.” Jiang Cheng said, but he was determined not to take up that offer. Nie Huaisang needed to get back to his life, not spend the time worrying about him.

Nie Huaisang gave him a searching look, but Jiang Cheng made sure to shutter off the emotions he was feeling. He didn’t think he was very convincing though because Nie Huaisang bit his lip in worry. Luckily, he didn’t press it and they went about their day. Jiang Cheng continued going through his blog posts with his laptop and Nie Huaisang did some work on his tablet. They sat together in a pleasant silence and Jiang Cheng couldn’t help feeling dejected that these moments weren’t going to happen as often anymore.

Chapter Text

Jiang Cheng blinked away his tears as he woke up to no avail. The tears kept coming and he sniffled quietly, not wanting to wake up Nie Huaisang. The dream seemed pleasant enough, so why did it make him feel so sad? Why did his heart ache thinking back on the dream? It wasn’t the first time he’d had it. He wanted to ask Nie Huaisang about it, but he hesitated on asking for the first time. He had been holding onto it for so long because he was too afraid of the answer to even consider asking it.

“A-Cheng?” Nie Huaisang asked. “What’s wrong?” The hospital room was still pitch black, so he couldn’t see exactly where Nie Huaisang was, but it wasn’t long before he heard him padding over to his hospital bed and sitting on its edge. He felt a hand on his cheek and Nie Huaisang wiped away his tears that kept coming. He moved his hands to his hair.

“It’s just a dream.” Jiang Cheng said, his voice emotional. But deep down, Jiang Cheng knew it wasn’t just a dream.

“Want to talk about it?” Nie Huaisang asked. Jiang Cheng didn’t want to, but at the same time he couldn’t help answering him.

“It was of us two and we were walking together, holding hands with a child.” Nie Huaisang’s ministrations froze. “We were laughing together. He had your smile. He was so beautiful and radiant and happy.” He could feel Nie Huaisang’s hands trembling against his hair, but he still continued running his hand through it.

“It sounds like a happy dream.” Nie Huaisang said, but his voice sounded thick and emotional.

“If it was a happy dream, then why do I always wake up feeling sad afterwards? My chest always aches and I feel like something’s missing.” Jiang Cheng blurted out. Nie Huaisang’s breath hitched.

“It’s nothing. You…” Nie Huaisang’s voice cut off and he took a deep breath. “You should go back to sleep.” Jiang Cheng grabbed Nie Huaisang’s wrist to stop him from running his hands through his hair and sat up. He began squeezing it harder in his growing panic.

“Something’s missing.” Jiang Cheng insisted. “Someone else is supposed to be here.”

“A-Cheng—.”

“Where is he!” Jiang Cheng exclaimed. He tried to get up, but Nie Huaisang held him down. He was saying something to him, but Jiang Cheng couldn’t register his words, not with the memories that were now flooding his brain.

He had the fuzzy image of a boy no older than three running around, laughing. Of him building Legos with his Duplo bricks and tugging a train made from them. He had images of a child nestling into him in his nest, suckling from his breast. They were having trouble weaning him, but Jiang Cheng had difficulty telling him no, especially when he gave him the puppy dog eyes. How could he say no to him when he looked so adorable? But most of all, he couldn’t say no because he had gone the vast majority of his life being denied his needs and was so afraid that he would do the same to him.

He had images of himself, Nie Huaisang, and the boy eating dinner together, laughing at the boy’s silliness, and cleaning up the mess the boy had made, and how they struggled getting him to bed because of how much energy he had in his little body. He had images of Nie Huaisang chasing the boy around while he ran naked because he didn’t want to take a bath. He had images of him happily playing in the water now that Nie Huaisang had finally gotten him in it. He had images of himself holding him close to him as he cried, or when he just wanted to be picked up. He remembered feeling the boy’s weight in his arms and how warm he was. He remembered a little voice that said, “I love you this much, Baba” with all the enthusiasm a three-year-old could muster and spreading his hands out as far as he could.

Jiang Cheng didn’t know he was screaming and thrashing around until nurses and big, burley men were rushing into the room. They held him down to the bed and soon, he felt a prick in his neck and everything went black.

When he woke up again, he stared blankly up at the ceiling. Fangyu. His baby’s name was Fangyu. How could he have forgotten him? Was he in the car with him when it crashed? Was he—? He choked on a sob, knowing the answer to that question. He soon felt the warmth of Nie Huaisang’s arms wrapping around him. He wailed, crying for the child he now knew he had lost. By the way Nie Huaisang shook while he held him, he knew that he was crying too. Jiang Cheng clutched onto him like a lifeline as he felt his world crashing down around him.

“I know.” Nie Huaisang said through his tears. “I know.”

It made Jiang Cheng cry harder. How long had Nie Huaisang been holding onto this, keeping his grief for the child he lost at bay so that Jiang Cheng could remember at his own pace? He must’ve felt so alone in his grief, but now Jiang Cheng understood why he had held onto him for so long. If he had lost Jiang Cheng, he would’ve lost so much and that made him even sadder. How did Nie Huaisang shoulder all of this? Jiang Cheng couldn’t imagine how he stayed standing all this time after losing a child and being in danger of losing his husband too. Jiang Cheng felt shattered just knowing that their child was gone.

Jiang Cheng’s cries turned into whimpers of “our baby, our child.” And Nie Huaisang would answer back, “I know,” each time. Nie Huaisang rubbed circles into his back until Jiang Cheng’s cries quieted.

“I can’t believe I forgot our child.” Jiang Cheng said.

“It’s not your fault. You were heavily injured.” Nie Huaisang said.

“Still, he was our baby. And I…what kind of parent forgets their child?” Jiang Cheng cried. Nie Huaisang pulled away and held his face firmly between his hands. He made Jiang Cheng look at him.

“It wasn’t your fault. The accident took your memories away. That wasn’t you. It was the bastard who fell asleep at the fucking wheel and T-boned into you when he ran the red light.” Nie Huaisang said vehemently, his voice filled with vitriol. He took a deep breath to calm his anger. “You had no choice. It was out of your control. It’s not your fault.”

Jiang Cheng didn’t have the capacity to process what Nie Huaisang told him about the accident. He just couldn’t believe that his child was gone.

There was a knock on the door and Nie Huaisang quickly collected himself before going to the door. Jiang Cheng brought his knees up to his chest and buried his head into them. He heard the buzz of voices, but Jiang Cheng barely paid attention to them. When he felt Nie Huaisang sit on the edge of the bed he leaned into him.

“Who was that?” Jiang Cheng asked. His voice felt hoarse from all the crying he had done.

“Luo Binghe and Shen Yuan. They were supposed to visit today, but I told them to come back another day.” Nie Huaisang said. “Was that okay?” Jiang Cheng nodded.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Jiang Cheng said.

“There is no need to be. It wasn’t your fault.” Nie Huaisang assured him. But Jiang Cheng couldn’t shake the feeling that he was. He had been driving. He should’ve seen the truck coming. He should’ve had better reflexes. He should’ve checked both ways before he started to go. He should’ve done something.

The rest of the day was a blur and before he knew it, it was light’s out, but he didn’t sleep a wink that night. Or the next. Or the next.

Jiang Cheng was finding it hard to stay motivated. How could he stay motivated knowing that his baby was gone? Still, Nie Huaisang stayed to give him encouragement and helped him continue doing his exercises. Jiang Cheng knew his constant presence was coming to an end. There would be days that he wouldn’t be able to be there and he dreaded it more than he cared to admit. The thought of it made him feel like he was suffocating: his chest would tighten and his heart would beat out of his chest. He would breathe deeply, quietly so that Nie Huaisang wouldn’t see how much it was bothering him that he wouldn’t always be there, but somehow, he knew that Nie Huaisang noticed when his distress increased. He wouldn’t be able to smell him that well as a beta, but he could read him very well.

“I’m not going to take the job.” Nie Huaisang said one day out of the blue. Jiang Cheng looked at him in shock.

“What?” Jiang Cheng asked. “Why?”

“Because you need me. I should be here for you.” Nie Huaisang said.

“No.” Jiang Cheng snapped.

“A-Cheng—.”

“No!” Jiang Cheng exclaimed. “You should take it. You need to take it.”

“I don’t need to. I can wait a few more months to book something! I want to be here until you fully recover.” Nie Huaisang said.

“I don’t want to be the reason for you putting a hold on your life!” Jiang Cheng snapped.

“You are part of my life!” Nie Huaisang exclaimed. Jiang Cheng froze then. “A-Cheng, you are my family. My everything! I’m not putting a hold on my life when it’s you all along! It has always been you!”

“But the medical bills—.”

“Are being taken care of! I wish you knew just how much you are loved, A-Cheng. All of the friends you’ve met and not met have been pitching in. Your fans have sent in money even though we never even asked them for it. They started a GoFundMe on their own and paid for the majority of the initial costs. We have enough to cover the majority of it. The medical bills are covered.” Nie Huaisang said. “I still do commissions regularly and you are still generating money from being a food critic online. We’re okay. I’m okay. I want to be here with you.” Jiang Cheng looked down.

“You love doing your work, don’t you?” Jiang Cheng asked as a last feeble attempt.

“I do, but it’s not like I can’t go back to it. It’s not like I’ve stopped doing it the past five years you were in a coma, but you just woke up a month ago and—,” Nie Huaisang’s voice shook, “and you just remembered how we lost A-Yu. I don’t want you to be alone.” Jiang Cheng felt the tears slip out and fall down his cheeks. Nie Huaisang sat on his bed and gathered him into his arms.

“But how did you do it? How did you grieve me and A-Yu by yourself?” Jiang Cheng asked.

“I wasn’t alone. We have amazing friends who’ve stayed with us the whole way through. Whenever Shang Qinghua and Mobei Jun weren’t traveling, they were here. Luo Binghe was here the most often and when Shen Yuan got off of work, he would come visit and then take Luo Binghe home. They were here for me and you. I wasn’t alone. So, what kind of husband would I be if I left you alone now that this is so fresh in your mind?” Nie Huaisang said softly. Jiang Cheng nestled into Nie Huaisang and wrapped his arms around him. Once Nie Huaisang began running his hand through his hair, Jiang Cheng began to purr. Nie Huaisang sucked in a breath and held him closer, feeling the vibrations against his chest.

“It’s been so long since I’ve heard you purring against me.” Nie Huaisang said. Jiang Cheng only nestled into him further, his purrs getting louder. He felt the press of Nie Huaisang’s lips on the crown of his head and he hummed in satisfaction. He buried his head into Nie Huaisang’s neck to sniff his muted scent of bergamot.

“Your clothes.” Jiang Cheng said, feeling a familiar itch and need.

“What about them?” Nie Huaisang asked.

“I want your clothes and some more blankets.” Jiang Cheng said petulantly. He looked up at Nie Huaisang with large pleading eyes and Nie Huaisang’s lips parted. Jiang Cheng only acted bratty when his heat was going to start.

“Your heat. Your heat is coming back. I didn’t even notice.” Nie Huaisang mused. “I’ll bring you some and I’ll notify the nurses to bring you to a heat room.”

“You’ll be with me?” Jiang Cheng asked. He frowned when Nie Huaisang didn’t immediately answer.

“Do…do you want me to be?” Nie Huaisang asked.

“Yes.” Jiang Cheng said without hesitation. Nie Huaisang squeezed him closer.

It wasn’t long before Jiang Cheng was wheeled to the heat room in the hospital. It wasn’t big and there was a full-sized bed in there, but nothing in terms of decoration. A small bathroom was on the opposite side of the bed, but Jiang Cheng still wasn’t stable enough on his feet to use it. He would start trying to walk after his heat. He was supposed to start the next day, but now it would have to be pushed back.

There were cubbies of blankets against the wall and, with some help, he stood to pick out the blankets and pillows he wanted. It was inconvenient for him that he couldn’t stand for long periods of time and he ended up plopping heavily onto the bed. The beta nurses handed him the materials and he placed them how he wanted, but his nest wasn’t done.

“Where’s Huaisang?” Jiang Cheng asked impatiently.

“He will be back soon with some clothes for you.” A nurse said. Jiang Cheng pouted and buried himself in the nest he built, completely unsatisfied. The nurses left quietly.

A cramp surged through Jiang Cheng’s stomach and he whimpered, curling up into a ball as his muscles spasmed. He hated his heats. They always started off so painful. Jiang Cheng was still in pain when he heard the door open and close.

“A-Cheng.” Nie Huaisang said, his voice in a low, soothing cadence. Jiang Cheng whimpered hearing his voice. He poked his head out from under his nest to see Nie Huaisang looking at him with utmost fondness. “I brought you some clothes.”

“You took so long.” Jiang Cheng said, his eyes narrowed in accusation.

“I know I’m sorry, but I was trying to get as much of my scent into the clothes as possible. Sometimes, I hate that I’m a beta and can’t saturate my clothes with my scent.” Nie Huaisang said. Jiang Cheng shook his head as he took a big whiff of his shirt.

“Alpha scents are overrated. They’re too smelly. Gives me headaches. I like your scent. Smells good.” Jiang Cheng said.

He arranged Nie Huaisang’s clothes how he wanted before snuggling into his nest. He reached out, grabbed Nie Huaisang’s hand, and tugged him in. Only when Nie Huaisang cuddled into him did he relax. He buried his head into Nie Huaisang’s neck and stuck to him like a starfish. He hissed in a breath when his stomach cramped once more.

“Would you like me to get you a heating pad?” Nie Huaisang asked. Jiang Cheng shook his head against Nie Huaisang’s neck. If he went to get the heating pad that meant he would have to leave his nest. The thought of that was excruciating enough. He didn’t want to experience the feeling for real when he left his side. He didn’t want him to leave him. He wanted to be a good omega for him so that he’ll stay. He’d do his duties. He’d give him a child like a good omega.

His breath hitched remembering Fangyu and his beautiful smile. The way he looked up at him with so much trust when he led him up to…He gasped in pain, but not because of his cramps. He felt like there was a jackhammer beating against his skull. He instinctually clutched onto Nie Huaisang harder as the pain shot through his head.

“A-Cheng?” Nie Huaisang asked.

“No! No don’t go!” Jiang Cheng cried.

“I’m not going! I won’t.” Nie Huaisang said in alarm.

“Don’t go! Please. Don’t go!” Jiang Cheng cried. Nie Huaisang squeezed him close to him, wishing he could release his scent to calm him. He settled for rubbing circles into Jiang Cheng’s back as he assured him over and over that he wasn’t going to leave him until he felt Jiang Cheng’s even breaths against his neck where his head was buried. He still clutched onto Nie Huaisang tightly even in slumber.

Chapter Text

Nie Huaisang rubbed his hand over Jiang Cheng’s stomach rhythmically. It was the first time he shared his heat with anyone, let alone Nie Huaisang. It was also the first heat since they’d gotten married and it would be the first time they would have sex without a condom. Jiang Cheng wanted this so bad. He wanted Nie Huaisang’s child and he could hardly believe Nie Huaisang wanted his child too.

Jiang Cheng looked up at Nie Huaisang, who smiled down at him. The beauty of Nie Huaisang being a beta was that he didn’t go into ruts. He wasn’t frenzied and impatient even as Jiang Cheng’s scent filled the room. He could take his time, build Jiang Cheng up into a frenzy instead of Jiang Cheng having to submit to his pace. Jiang Cheng had the choice to submit without his hormones interfering. He had the clearance of mind to actually know for certain that he wanted to. For him and only him. No one else.

Jiang Cheng could feel his skin getting hot, the burning heat rising and rising until he couldn’t wait any longer. He clasped the back of Nie Huaisang’s neck and brought him down to him, kissing him fiercely and taking what he wanted. Nie Huaisang moaned as he kissed him back, matching his energy perfectly. Jiang Cheng spread his legs, presenting himself to him, his slick gushing out onto the towels underneath him.

“A-Sang!” He whined, wrapping his legs around his hips and pulling him over him. “A-Sang please!”

“Yes! Yes! I’ll give you anything you need, my sweet, sweet omega. My good boy.” Huaisang said. Jiang Cheng shivered and moaned, rubbing himself against Nie Huaisang’s front. Nie Huaisang’s hand moved downwards and palmed Jiang Cheng’s cocklet. His hips bucked up into him.

“Please! I’m ready! I want you inside!” Jiang Cheng cried.

“Ssh. Patience, A-Cheng.” Nie Huaisang said, kissing him gently on his nose. Jiang Cheng leaned into the affection. Soon, Jiang Cheng got what he wanted and Nie Huaisang thrust inside him. He cried out feeling his length dragging against his walls, hitting the spot that drove him insane. He had no idea what he was spilling out of his mouth as Nie Huaisang thrust inside him. “Ah, A-Cheng, I’m sorry, I’m already—.”

“Come inside me. I want your children. Please come inside me.” Jiang Cheng said, cutting him off.

“I’ll try to hold out longer…” Nie Huaisang’s voice trailed off when Jiang Cheng shook his head and prevented him from pulling out.

“I want you to come inside! Please, come inside!” Jiang Cheng exclaimed.

“But—.” Jiang Cheng squished Nie Huaisang’s cheeks between his hands. Even through his heat-filled delirium, he would not allow Nie Huaisang to think he needed to strain himself for him.

“Come. Inside. Me.” Jiang Cheng said. Nie Huaisang’s breath hitched and he began thrusting inside him earnestly. Jiang Cheng threw his head backwards into the pillows, writhing under Nie Huaisang’s touch. His voice got louder and louder until he felt Nie Huaisang coming. Jiang Cheng wrapped his hand around his cocklet and pumped himself to completion, shaking and shivering as his come spurted out onto his stomach and chest. Nie Huaisang hissed in a breath when Jiang Cheng clenched around his sensitive dick as he came.

“Stay inside me. I don’t want anything to spill.” Jiang Cheng said. Nie Huaisang leaned down and kissed Jiang Cheng softly on the lips.

“I won’t let anything spill.” Nie Huaisang said. Jiang Cheng looked satisfied then and hugged Nie Huaisang so that there was barely any space between them. Jiang Cheng buried his head in his neck, catching his faint scent. He licked around Nie Huaisang’s underdeveloped scent glands, nipping them with his teeth. Nie Huaisang shivered and Jiang Cheng could feel him twitch inside him. His heat hadn’t died down much and he rolled his hips upwards. Nie Huaisang sucked in a breath, still oversensitive from the last round.

“A-Sang.” Jiang Cheng whined. Nie Huaisang wrapped his hand around his cocklet and Jiang Cheng shuddered and squirmed underneath him, but he was careful not to let Nie Huaisang’s dick slip out of him. He moaned. “Ah! A-Sang more! More! Please!

More!” Jiang Cheng gasped awake, feeling uncomfortably wet within his nest.

“A-Sang!” Jiang Cheng moaned.

“I’m here.” Nie Huaisang said hurriedly.

“Please! Please! Plea—!” Jiang Cheng moaned when Nie Huaisang palmed his cocklet. He undulated his hips to get more friction and then cried out when Nie Huaisang’s fingers plunged inside him. Jiang Cheng babbled and moaned as Nie Huaisang rubbed against the spot that made him feel so good. In all of this, he had forgotten that Nie Huaisang knew him. He knew just where to touch, to press, to rub to elicit the most pleasure. But as much as he loved this, it wasn’t enough.

“Ah! A-Sang more!” Jiang Cheng cried. Nie Huaisang paused, but didn’t remove his fingers from inside him. Still Jiang Cheng whimpered and whined from the loss.

“A-Cheng, I think for now, we should take it slow.” Nie Huaisang said. Jiang Cheng shook his head.

“Please, I want you! I want you inside.” Jiang Cheng whined. Nie Huaisang caressed his cheek.

“Are you sure?” Nie Huaisang asked. Jiang Cheng nodded.

“I remember. I remember our first time you helped me with my heat. We…we wanted a child so bad. We…we wanted to expand our family.” Jiang Cheng was crying now. “I want you. A-Sang please!” Nie Huaisang’s eyes closed and he pressed his forehead against his. “I want you. I want you. I—.” Nie Huaisang cut his pleas off with a searing kiss and Jiang Cheng finally found himself relaxing as Nie Huaisang spread his legs wide to accommodate him between them.

“You’re sure.” Nie Huaisang said.

“I’m sure.” Jiang Cheng said with no hesitation. Nie Huaisang pulled his pants down and plunged inside him and Jiang Cheng moaned, relieved that he finally had his mate inside him.

Nie Huaisang didn’t disappoint, not that Jiang Cheng thought he would. Nie Huaisang was an attentive lover—he made sure there was nothing left unexplored. His touch felt so familiar to Jiang Cheng and he knew that he would never regret his decision to let him help him with his heat. Jiang Cheng wanted him. He wanted him so bad. He never wanted to let him go. And in the final moments of his heat four days later, Nie Huaisang cradled him close and let him cool down. Jiang Cheng felt at peace.

If Jiang Cheng thought Nie Huaisang was touchy before, now it was to a whole new level. The flood gates had been opened and now, there wasn’t any length of time that Nie Huaisang wasn’t touching him in some way, whether it be holding his hand, caressing his body and making him shiver with want. He kissed him now too when he came back from home, when he was leaving, whenever he felt like it really. Not that he was complaining. He craved Nie Huaisang’s touch, he craved his kisses, he craved his comfort when he got overwhelmed with grief.

His physical therapy was going well too. He could now walk if he held the twin bars in the physical therapy room. He also used a walker to get around, monitored closely by Nie Huaisang to make sure that he didn’t overexert himself. The physical therapist thought he was going to be walking without an aid in no time at the pace he was going and now that he was walking, he’d be discharged soon. Everything felt like it was sliding into place…

…Until his parents arrived. When the couple came into the room like a storm, Jiang Cheng knew exactly who they were. His mother’s face was twisted into a sneer and his father looked at him in disapproval. It was familiar looks, ones he’d seen in his dreams countless of times. Jiang Cheng clenched his fists in the sheets. There was something he wasn’t remembering that he felt was important. What was it? He felt a headache coming and he took a deep breath. The doctors said the headaches were caused by stress. He needed to calm down and relax, but it was hard with his parents there.

“I thought you weren’t allowed in here.” Jiang Cheng said through gritted teeth.

“Did you really think they would keep us away? We’re your parents. At least someone understands that.” His mother snapped.

“I don’t want you here.” Jiang Cheng said because he could be sure about that.

“You’re still on this temper tantrum??” His mother exclaimed. As she began to berate and degrade him, Jiang Cheng began to curl into himself. It was almost like he was leaving his body and looking at the scene from the outside in. The feeling was familiar, the plummeting of his mood, the shame and disdain towards himself as she pointed out everything he hated about himself. A sharp pain brought him back to the present and he looked down to see her nails digging into his flesh. “Are you listening to me?”

Not anymore he wasn’t, as memory upon memory from his childhood flooded through his head, the bruises inflicted onto his skin, how he hid them away so that no one saw…and then his panic began to rise. He couldn’t breathe. The room was too small with his parents there. He was going to suffocate. The hand gripped tighter, but even the pain of her grip wasn’t enough to bring him out of it. And then the door opened and the grip was gone. There was a commotion that Jiang Cheng didn’t register.

The putrid scent of alphas fighting for dominance perforated the air and Jiang Cheng wanted to gag. He felt a squeeze to his hand and then he was forced to look into light brown, intelligent yet sharp eyes. He was talking in a soothing voice—one that Jiang Cheng tried to focus on—and scenting him from the hand that was still gently holding his chin. His smell wasn’t noxious like the other alphas in the room. It smelled similar to Nie Huaisang’s in its citric like nature, but there was something distinctly floral with this man’s. Even though it was an alpha’s scent, it helped soothe him especially because it was drowning out the scents of the others.

“There you go. Are you back?” The man asked. Jiang Cheng blinked and then nodded. The man smiled. It gave him an air of grace and elegance.

“Who are you?” Jiang Cheng asked. He could assume that he knew him taken how familiar he was with him.

“I’m Shen Yuan.” He said.

“The one who got married in my room.” Jiang Cheng said. Shen Yuan nodded. “Your husband is Bing-ge?” Shen Yuan’s eyes widened.

“Do you remember him?” Shen Yuan asked. Jiang Cheng frowned and shook his head.

“That’s his name, right? Bing-ge?” Jiang Cheng asked. Shen Yuan chuckled, hiding his smile behind his hand.

“That’s what you call him. His real name is Luo Binghe.” Shen Yuan said.

“Oh.” Jiang Cheng said. He could’ve sworn his name was Bing-ge.

“He’d love it if you’d call him Bing-ge again. He might cry even. With happiness.” He added seeing Jiang Cheng’s growing concern.

“Does Bing-ge cry a lot?” Jiang Cheng asked.

“They’re just crocodile tears. It’s not real.” Shen Yuan said, waving his hand dismissively. It was at that moment a man he assumed was Luo Binghe came (back) into to the room.

“You’re so rude, Shizun!” Luo Binghe cried as he glomped over him. Shen Yuan squawked, a noise that didn’t quite match with his outward appearance. Jiang Cheng didn’t react to the term of address. He assumed it was an inside joke between them.

“Bing-mei, you’re heavy!” Shen Yuan complained. But the oversized teddy bear of a person would not let go, rubbing his cheek against Shen Yuan’s and complaining about the injustice of being accused of crying fake tears. Jiang Cheng laughed and they both stared at him in awe.

“Cheng diiiiii!” Luo Binghe cried. And this time, he really was crying; tears fell down his face and everything. Shen Yuan grabbed the cuff of his shirt before he could fling himself at Jiang Cheng.

“Please excuse the idiot.” That earned more protesting from Luo Binghe. “But we never thought we’d get to hear you laugh again.” Shen Yuan’s smile widened and he didn’t cover it this time. It made Jiang Cheng smile back.

“I’m just glad Nie Huaisang asked us to come check on you.” Luo Binghe said, his face darkening at the thought of his parents and how they had barged in. He couldn’t believe how irresponsible the front desk people had been in letting them in. The look of hatred belied his earlier easygoing nature and it startled Jiang Cheng.

“Are you okay? Real answers only. No dodging the question.” Shen Yuan said sternly.

“I’m…” but the stern look Shen Yuan continued to give him made him pause. He really was like an older brother. He was the older brother he should’ve had, he realized—if the pleasant feeling he felt inside meant anything. He looked down. “There’s something I’m not remembering, but I feel like I should.”

“About your parents?” Shen Yuan asked. Jiang Cheng nodded.

“It has something to do with A-Yu.” Jiang Cheng said, looking down at his arm and the bruise that was forming from his mother’s grip and the indentations from when she pierced his skin with her nails. Thinking about him still made his chest hurt with want and grief. Shen Yuan clasped his hand in both of his and Jiang Cheng looked up at him. He was smiling sadly.

“I’m sorry about your loss. If there’s anything you’d like us to do for you, please let us know.” Shen Yuan said. Luo Binghe nodded emphatically next to him. Jiang Cheng nodded.

“I don’t know. I just…it’s bugging me. Did I…did I go over to their house before the accident?” Jiang Cheng asked, looking up at Shen Yuan, assessing him. Shen Yuan didn’t look away.

“You did.” Shen Yuan answered.

“Shizun!” Luo Binghe scolded.

“He deserves to have answers if he asks.” Shen Yuan shot back. He turned back to Jiang Cheng. “Listen, the doctor said it’s better for you to remember at your own pace with things that drudge up negative memories. It distresses you too much. It’s the reason why she suggested getting a therapist.” Jiang Cheng looked away at that. “I just hope that this memory is one that stays forgotten.” Jiang Cheng pressed his lips together, but he knew he was right. Hearing him put it like that made him feel even more uneasy, however.

“Do you know when A-Sang is coming back?” Jiang Cheng asked.

“Something came up with one of his clients. He should be back by tonight.” Shen Yuan said. Jiang Cheng pursed his lips and looked down at his hands. He really didn’t think he was the clingy type, yet being separated from Nie Huaisang for any length of time made him feel empty inside. Even though it’s been a week since his heat, he still had the instinct to nest and cuddle with his mate. He bit his lip to keep himself from voicing how much he hated Nie Huaisang being away, completely missing the worried looks Shen Yuan and Luo Binghe were exchanging.

“You two just came back from your honeymoon, right? Tell me about it.” Jiang Cheng said if only to keep his mind off of Nie Huaisang’s absence. Shen Yuan didn’t seem phased by it. Instead, his face lit up. Luo Binghe and he took turns recounting all the adventures they had while traveling through Europe.

“Will you be adopting children?” Jiang Cheng asked. Jiang Cheng could tell from their scent that they were both alphas. Shen Yuan hesitated. Was he worried about talking about children because he had lost his son? Before Jiang Cheng could snap at him for even thinking of coddling him, Shen Yuan answered.

“We plan to, but we’re going to start the process after a year of being married. We want to experience some married life before bringing a child into it.” Shen Yuan said. Jiang Cheng nodded.

“It’s weird. I don’t know you, but I feel very happy for you two.” Jiang Cheng said. Shen Yuan and Luo Binghe smiled widely. “My memory has been gone, but I remember how people made me feel and you two feel safe.” Luo Binghe lunged himself at Jiang Cheng and he made an oof sound when he hugged him. He still hugged him back, secretly happy for the affection (but it wasn’t so secret for Luo Binghe or Shen Yuan who knew that Jiang Cheng actually liked affection; he just didn’t know how to initiate it).

“We’re glad you feel safe with us.” Luo Binghe said once he pulled away, a kind smile on his face.

“I’m wondering. How did we meet?” Jiang Cheng asked. But before they could answer, there was a knock on the door. Immediately, Luo Binghe’s face went frosty.

“This better be a nurse…” He said. He opened the door. The smile that appeared on his face upon seeing who was at the door had no warmth to it. “No.”

“We would just like to apologize for our parents.” Jiang Yanli said. “We heard what happened.”

“Your apology is heard. Now please leave.” Luo Binghe said.

“Are you all seriously going to keep us from seeing our brother?” Wei Ying snapped. “You haven’t even asked him whether or not he’s okay with us being here!”

Shen Yuan looked at Jiang Cheng questioningly. Honestly, Jiang Cheng was unsure. He couldn’t fight this feeling that he didn’t want them there, but he didn’t know why. He knew it had something to do with Fangyu. Jiang Cheng shook his head, deciding to go with his instincts. Shen Yuan got up and went to the door.

“Please leave. You are causing a disturbance.” Shen Yuan said.

“Not until we can see him.” Wei Ying said.

“You can either leave willingly or we can have security escort you out.” Luo Binghe said, a dangerous smile on his face. There was a moment of tense silence.

“Let’s just go.” Jiang Yanli said finally. Luo Binghe closed the door on their faces.

“Your family is something else.” Luo Binghe said, his lighthearted mood back now that Jiang Cheng’s siblings were gone.

“Thank you. I really don’t know what to think about them.” Jiang Cheng said. “Only that I don’t want to see them.”

“You cut them off a while ago anyways. They shouldn’t expect for you to want to see them upon waking.” Shen Yuan said.

“I bet they were trying to use the fact that you have amnesia. If you don’t remember what happened between them, then they had a chance to make amends before you remembered everything again.” Luo Binghe scoffed. “They didn’t account for the possibility that you might be able to remember that you don’t want to see them.”

“Where’s A-Sang?” Jiang Cheng asked, wanting to see him more than ever. Shen Yuan and Luo Binghe exchanged a look.

“I’m sure he’ll be done soon. I’ll text him.” Shen Yuan said.

“Thank you. I think I’m going to get some sleep. I’m tired.” Jiang Cheng said, his mood plummeting after hearing that Nie Huaisang was still working.

“Get some rest. We’ll stay here until Nie Huaisang get’s back.” Shen Yuan assured him. Jiang Cheng smiled and laid down. He really was tired, so he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

Chapter Text

Jiang Cheng watched as Nie Huaisang and his dream self argued about letting Jiang Cheng’s parents meet Fangyu. Nie Huaisang didn’t want them to meet him because their child was already three and they hadn’t wanted to meet him before, so why did they want to meet now after all this time? His dream self wanted to believe that his parents were trying to change. He assured Nie Huaisang that his siblings would be there too. He watched as Nie Huaisang eventually gave into his dream self.

“No!” Jiang Cheng exclaimed as he watched himself strap Fangyu into his rear-facing car seat. “Don’t go! Please don’t go!”

He watched helplessly as his dream self drove the hour and a half it’d take to get to his parent’s house. He watched helplessly as Fangyu jumped in glee that he was finally meeting his grandparents.

“No! Please!” Jiang Cheng cried. But he was helpless to stop himself from knocking on the door. He could only watch as his mother watched Fangyu with barely disguised displeasure as he ran around and screeched, having fun like he always did in his own ways. He was always a happy, energetic kid full of life and love. He watched as his father only gave an indulgent smile to Fangyu as he talked and chattered away. He wasn’t shy at all and was dense to when someone was trying to brush him off. He’d never experienced anyone who didn’t want to listen to him because Jiang Cheng and Nie Huaisang always made sure to. Jiang Cheng had vowed to be the complete opposite of his parents who never gave him the time of day.

Jiang Cheng could only watch as his mother had finally had enough and told Jiang Cheng’s dream self to control his child, that his behavior was unbecoming. He was helpless to watch as his dream self argued back despite his fear, unwilling to let his mother stifle his child like she had done with him. He saw the moment his dream self had realized that this had been a mistake. He shouldn’t have come. But Fangyu had expressed interest in meeting his grandparents. How could he say no?

Jiang Cheng’s dream self had needed to cool off. He trusted his siblings with Fangyu, but he should’ve known. His siblings never came to his defense growing up (because they were afraid that the abuse would turn onto them), so why would they have come to Fangyu’s aid? Jiang Cheng was helpless as he watched his dream self run back to his living room when he heard Fangyu crying in distress. He froze when he saw the bruises on Fangyu’s arm and the imprint of nails that had been dug into skin just shy of piercing skin.

Jiang Cheng was helpless. Helpless. Helpless. Helpless. He couldn’t keep his child safe. He couldn’t keep him from being hurt. He couldn’t stop his dream self from getting into his car and driving away when it was clear that Fangyu would be inconsolable. He always felt so strongly. The drive would eventually lull him to sleep like it always did.

Jiang Cheng couldn’t stop himself from calling Nie Huaisang. From driving out into the intersection after the person behind him honked at him for idling too long at the green light because he was trying to comfort Fangyu who just wouldn’t stop crying. He was helpless to watch as the truck plowed into Fangyu’s side of the car. And then there was nothing.

Jiang Cheng woke up with a scream, startling Nie Huaisang from his work. Nie Huaisang scrambled into his bed and held him close as he shook and shook.

“I’m sorry! It’s all my fault! I’m sorry! It’s all my fault!” Jiang Cheng sobbed over and over again. Nie Huaisang tried to reassure him, but Jiang Cheng was inconsolable. “It’s all my fault! It’s all my fault! It’s all my fault!” He cried and cried until he fell asleep once more.

When he woke up again, he was laying within Nie Huaisang’s arms. He almost began crying again feeling Nie Huaisang moving his hand through his hair in comfort. He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve Nie Huaisang. But he couldn’t get himself to leave his embrace.

“When can I go home?” Jiang Cheng asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

“The doctor said another week or so. You’ve been recovering well. They just want you to be able to stand without assistance and be stronger in your walk. With the pace you’re going at though, they think you’ll reach that point in no time.” Nie Huaisang answered. Jiang Cheng snuggled against him further and Nie Huaisang tightened his hold.

“I remember.” Jiang Cheng said. By the way Nie Huaisang’s breathed in, he knew exactly what he was talking about. “It’s all my fault. I trusted them and I shouldn’t have. It’s all my fault.”

“It’s not all your fault. I made the decision too. We decided together.” Nie Huaisang said.

“But when I brought it up, you argued against it. You tried to stop me.” Jiang Cheng said.

“But in the end, we let A-Yu decide.” Jiang Cheng pulled back to look at Nie Huaisang, his eyes wide in shock. Nie Huaisang pushed back his bangs away from his face. “We asked him together if he wanted to meet your parents and he was so excited about it that we couldn’t say no to him. So you see? It wasn’t your fault. And it wasn’t mine either.

“I know it’s going to be hard to believe that. I blamed myself for everything in the beginning, but I talked to a therapist and she helped me think about the whole thing in a different lens. I think you will greatly benefit from it.” Jiang Cheng took a deep breath.

“I think you’re right.” Jiang Cheng said quietly. Nie Huaisang kissed his forehead, his lips lingering there before pulling away. “Thank you, A-Sang for everything. For staying with me. For being here.”

“Silly. You don’t have to thank me for that.” Nie Huaisang said with fondness. “You’re my husband. Of course I won’t leave you.”

Jiang Cheng buried his head into Nie Huaisang’s chest and breathed in his scent. He could believe in him. If there was anything he learned after waking up from his coma, it was that Nie Huaisang was a constant.

It felt so surreal that he was finally able to go home, wherever that was. He only vaguely remembered a large kitchen that had an island in the center made of dark granite and darkly stained wood to give more cooking space. He guessed it was fitting that he only remembered his kitchen considering that he was a home cook. He had already flagged some recipes from his own blog that he would like to try. His blog posts going forward would be about him “revisiting” his old recipes and rating them anew now that he had fresh eyes.

“Ready?” Nie Huaisang asked, holding out his elbow. Jiang Cheng smiled and nodded.

“Yeah.” Jiang Cheng said, taking it. Nie Huaisang grinned. He walked alongside Nie Huaisang as they left his hospital room for the last time.

He waved goodbye to the nurses as he passed by the nursing station and smiled as they cheered him on and urged him to never come back. A nurse walked next to them with a wheelchair just in case as he walked, but he was determined to walk mostly on his own. Walking had become second nature once again and it felt great to be able to move again.

“Wait here, I’ll go get the car.” Nie Huaisang said. Jiang Cheng nodded, though he couldn’t help the nervous feeling creeping up inside him. The last time he had been in a car was the day of his accident. Nie Huaisang squeezed his hand in comfort and he gave him a small smile. Nie Huaisang squeezed his hand one more time before going to get the car. Jiang Cheng took a deep breath like his therapist taught him and waited for Nie Huaisang to bring his car around.

Once Nie Huaisang pulled up to the front, the nurse waved goodbye and wished him well. Jiang Cheng waved back and entered the car.

“Time to go home!” Nie Huaisang said with excitement.

Nie Huaisang was careful as he drove. He drove the speed limit and held both hands on the wheel. He only took his eyes off the road at stop lights to check and make sure he was okay. Jiang Cheng remembered how Nie Huaisang used to drive over the speed limit a lot and only drove with one hand…Perhaps he changed it for him? He shook his head at the ridiculousness, but found himself smiling too.

When they arrived, Jiang Cheng looked up at his two-story home that looked similar to the other houses in the neighborhood and painted in neutral browns. He walked up the two steps to their front door, following behind Nie Huaisang. A railing had been installed there; from his vague memories, he didn’t remember it being there before. He was grateful as he used it to climb the two steps that led to their front door under Nie Huaisang’s careful watch.

“Welcome home, A-Cheng.” Nie Huaisang said and opened the door to the sound of confetti poppers. Shang Qinghua and Shen Yuan stood on either side of the large Welcome Home sign that was attached to the arch that separated the kitchen from the living room. They had been the ones to set off the confetti poppers. Mobei Jun and Luo Binghe were next to their partners. Everyone grinned seeing the shock on his face as he looked around at the decorations.

“This is all for me?” Jiang Cheng asked.

“Of course!” Shang Qinghua said.

“Come in, come in. I’m sure you want to look around.” Shen Yuan said.

“Why are you acting like this is your house?” Nie Huaisang asked.

“It might as well be. I come here often enough.” Shen Yuan said. Nie Huaisang scoffed.

Jiang Cheng left them to their bickering and walked around the living room. He looked at the pictures of him and Nie Huaisang together during dates, of him as a college student standing in between Shang Qinghua and Shen Yuan. Shang Qinghua was giving him bunny ears with his fingers and Shen Yuan was side eyeing him in annoyance. He vaguely remembered them bickering after that picture was taken and he had given Nie Huaisang a long-suffering look. Back then he had thought the two of them would get together and he had been right. However, they had broken up amiably just a few months later. They had declared that they were better off as just friends.

He looked more closely at his pictures with Nie Huaisang to see if he could remember where they were from and was pleasantly surprised that he could place most of them. And then he came upon their photo albums. Nie Huaisang loved to scrapbook and had made these himself. He opened the one from their wedding. He smiled at how happy Nie Huaisang and he were as they looked at each other. He laughed at the photo they captured of Shang Qinghua face planting while walking back down the aisle and Shen Yuan laughing at him in the background. Jiang Cheng had facepalmed and Nie Huaisang hid behind the fan he had insisted on carrying instead of a bouquet. He didn’t remember that moment, but Shang Qinghua’s face in the picture was priceless.

He looked at the photos of their first dance and he smiled. He remembered this. He remembered how Nie Huaisang had laid his head on his chest and had held him tight as if he would never let him go. He remembered how he had told Nie Huaisang just how much he loved him and how he couldn’t wait to spend an eternity with each other. He remembered how they had kissed once the music stopped playing. He remembered how it felt, could practically feel the pressure of Nie Huaisang’s lips against his. His chest felt warm while looking at all those photos.

Jiang Cheng closed the wedding album once he had finished and saw the album for Fangyu. He reached out and touched it, but didn’t open it because he knew once he saw his face, he wouldn’t be able to stop crying. He still didn’t remember Fangyu’s face and it killed him that he couldn’t.

A touch to his shoulder brought him out of his reverie. He looked up at Nie Huaisang and laid his hand on top of his.

“Food’s ready. Luo Binghe cooked us up a feast.” Nie Huaisang said. Jiang Cheng nodded and they went to the dining room together.

Jiang Cheng felt so happy as his family—the people who chose to continue sitting by his side—laughed and bickered with each other around the table. Everything had a warm and fuzzy ambiance and he basked in it. He was finally home.

Once everyone had gone home, he sat down in front of the albums once more and opened the one for Fangyu. He sucked in a breath seeing a picture just after he was born and just barely cleaned. He pressed his lips together watching him breastfeed him for the first time, his expression unsure as he did. He vaguely remembered how hard it was to get Fangyu to latch on properly. He remembered how sore, cracked, and dry his nipples had gotten because Fangyu wasn’t latching properly (Nie Huaisang helped him put nipple cream on them).

He remembered the pain he felt from when his ducts had gotten clogged and how Nie Huaisang had to help massage him to clear it. He remembered the triumph he felt when they finally breastfed successfully. Oh, he hadn’t realized Nie Huaisang had captured that moment. Jiang Cheng was looking up at the camera with a triumphant grin. His hair wasn’t done, his home was in disarray, his eyes were red and puffy from his lack of sleep, but he hadn’t cared. He had been able to feed his child.

He kept going, seeing how fast Fangyu had grown. He remembered his first steps, the first time Fangyu had called him Baba (it was his first word), remembered the first time Fangyu had said he loved him. He remembered his laughter. He had almost always been smiling, he preferred to run as soon as he learned how to walk.

And then he came upon Fangyu’s final picture. It was him at three years old. He was smiling as usual. He looked just like Nie Huaisang in this photo, but he had Jiang Cheng’s eyes, so shiny like the ocean under the sun. He was at a festival and riding a pony. He looked so ecstatic. He didn’t remember this day, but it must’ve been a great one. The picture grew blurry.

“We made him happy while he was here, right?” Jiang Cheng asked, looking back at Nie Huaisang. Nie Huaisang looked like he was close to tears too.

“We did. Fangyu had been happy. So, so happy.” Nie Huaisang said. Jiang Cheng took a shuddering breath. “Come, I want…” his voice cracked and he took a deep breath. “I want to show you something.”

“Okay.” Jiang Cheng said. Nie Huaisang held out his hand and he took it. He helped him up and guided him up the stairs. Nie Huaisang opened a door. Jiang Cheng gasped. He entered Fangyu’s room. It hadn’t been changed at all. “You never put his stuff away.”

“I knew you would need to see it when you woke up.” Nie Huaisang said, entering the room after him. Jiang Cheng took everything in before sitting down on Fangyu’s bed. He picked up his pillow and sniffed. Of course his scent was no longer imbued into the fabric, but it did smell freshly cleaned. Nie Huaisang had kept up his room while he was in the coma.

“You never doubted I would wake up, did you?” Jiang Cheng said. Nie Huaisang sat down next to him.

“No. Never. I was never going to give up on you.” Nie Huaisang said. Jiang Cheng leaned into him, overwhelmed by the feelings that threatened to burst forth.

“I love you.” Jiang Cheng said, no longer able to hold it in any longer. Nie Huaisang hugged him close and kissed him on his temple.

“I love you too.” Nie Huaisang said.

Jiang Cheng didn’t know how long they sat in their child’s room for, but when he began falling asleep, Nie Huaisang got him up and took him to his bedroom. He helped him wash up, prodded him to brush his teeth, and took him to their bed. He tucked Jiang Cheng in and kissed him on his forehead, looking down at him in fondness.

“Get some rest. I’ll be here when you wake.” Nie Huaisang said. Jiang Cheng sighed. By the time he had let out his breath, he was asleep, safe in his own home.