Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The water was cold and dark, the reflection of the night sky turning the lake into what almost looked to be a pool of oil. On closer inspection, one could make out the texture of liquid that separated a selfish want and a human need.
Oil and water do not mix, and for a very good reason.
Oil destroys, water saves.
Land destroyed everyday mining sediment to create the ugly black substance, while water naturally formed and rode coolly down paths and crevices, its entire purpose to be accessible.
Of course, he knew that it was humans who made these definitions a thing in the first place, but even now he couldn’t help but blame the substances themselves for their rights or wrongs.
Kaeya Alberich had always seen things that way growing up, things solely in black and white. He failed to see the silver lining in things he disagreed with, and never the thorns in the ones he thought were right. Aging sure had a way to turn things like that around.
Now he knew that oil was being used to keep people alive in the harsh weather, and water could drown you.
Not that he liked it. He just couldn’t do anything to change it.
And how strange, he found himself thinking, that he turned into the oil the pure water that was Diluc Ragnividr couldn’t mix with.
Kaeya chuckled to himself, sliding his boots off and tossing them to the side. Now that he thought about it, no one seemed to mix well with him. He unbuttoned his shirt to the thought of all the people he didn’t like, and his leggings to the ones he didn’t understand. Now in his undergarments, Kaeya steadily lowered himself into the freezing cold waters of Starfell Lake.
Eula told him how stress relieving it was, and as a fellow cryo user who was disowned by her family, Kaeya took her advice into consideration.
A shudder ran through his body upon contact, the water burning against his skin.
Just hop in. get it over with. It’ll be easier to just do it all in one go-
And as if mother earth heard his thoughts, the land he held onto for balance gave way, and his body was submerged into the lake.
Shoot.
Everything burned, the strange idea of water imitating its polar opposite mocking Kaeya as he swore flames from a fire licked and battered brutally at his body.
A familiar feeling.
Memories flashed through his mind in a heartbeat, the tragic moments between losing Diluc Ragnividr as a brother and the Ragnividr name as a whole flickering through his consciousness.
Water cold as ice. Cold that burned like fire.. How strange, that two opposites could feel so similar. As a cryo wielder, he really should be having more tolerance against this water.
How did Eula do it? She made it look so easy..
Kaeya opened his eyes quickly, his sluggish thoughts alerting his body to respond. His arms and legs felt heavy, dragging him down…
He saw the dim moonlight through the rippling waters, the shadow of a patch of Calla lilies waving in the wind above him. He felt a phantom smile, the thought of his favorite flower coming to mind. His lungs began to constrict, his body begging for air, but his arms begging to stay.
His body moved for him, albeit dangerously slow. His brain pounded against his skull, screaming for air.
Like..like choking on the smoke of a fire, the dark fumes wrapping around your lungs so severely…so severely that you-
Couldn’t breathe.
Exactly how it felt when he was in a room with a similarly shocking red, red hair on the top of the head that wanted him dead.
His lungs tightening at the thought that the redhead would never love him again. The misery and sadness that wrapped around his chest and his ribs, suffocating him-

The man’s head burst forth from the water, his hands scrambling to grab onto the roots on the shore. He pulled himself onto the mud, coughing and vomiting watery substance from his frail body.
Kaeya choked on the bile dribbling from his lips, disgust rattling his bones.
That…didn’t work. He was still stressed. Interesting.
Maybe some things just don’t work for others as they do yourself, Kaeya thought. Like how lying gave him a sense of security, but noone else seemed to enjoy it.
“Keep it to yourself Eula, I suppose. I’ll…I’ll try something else” Kaeya’s teeth chattered to noone but the wind.

Chapter Text

Kaeya couldn't move.
His muscles felt heavy, heavy like dumbells pressed against his limbs and torso.
Damn. His chest was a bit tight too.
The slimy saliva that dribbled down his chin elicited a shudder of disgust, and only then did Kaeya cry out in pain.
His lungs burned, throat and nose as well. His muscles tightened, every fiber of his being...his cells, his molecules..all of them were on fire.
Tears and snot mixed down his cheeks as he gasped for air, his lungs craving for just a breath..
And getting nothing.
__________________________________________

Kaeya Alberich, calvary captain of the Knights of Favonius, wasn't often spotted outside the walls of Mondstadt. Despite it being his actual job, Kaeya seemingly spent most of his days in and out of various bars, talking to the elderly, playing with the children. But of all these things, one he did more than anything, was disappear. He would leave with no warning, and was often gone for days on end. When anyone spotted him again and asked where he was, he would laugh, say 'I've been back for days. Have you just realized?' And leave them at a loss for words. What was he doing? Only Barbatos knows.
By now it was old news to the town of Mondstadt, a lingering fact that had a pin shoved so deep into it that no one could take it down and observe it.
Despite knowing his regular schedule already, Jean couldn't help but still worry. He was her best friend;They told each other everything. Mostly.
Jean happily left some things unexplored, but only if she already knew the answers. Jean knew things about Kaeya almost no one else did, other than perhaps Diluc Ragnivdr.

Despite her building concern, Jean remained calm and collected. They were adults now. They could take care of themselves.
According to definition, at least.

And as if she had summoned the power of some inscrutable entity from above, she heard the door to Kaeya's office open. How, many people would ask, did she learn the sounds of every door in the headquarters? Attention. Boredom. Anxiety. A conversation starter too, maybe.
Or maybe just to tell when her childhood best friend had returned safe and unscathed-or likewise, if he didn't.
Rising from her seat, Jean made her way to the hall.
The air blew gentle in the building, still a tad chill for her taste. She peered around the hall, coldly passing her vision from the pictures of Knights long past, young people who managed to make it gladly through ruthless weeks of strenuous training only to be forgotten by the future generations of Mondstadt. All that remained of their legacy was a small debut in a dainty picture with several others, each one overshadowing the rest. A chill ran down Jean's back, bringing her back to the present. There was no time to ponder on lives now past when the present was already so stressful.

"Kae?" The nickname bounced off the walls, met with empty,white noise.
"Has the cavalry captain returned?" Jean approached a guard who stood on duty nearby.
The guard shook his head.
"Master Diluc requested entry into his office, though. I did not stop him. I felt as though that was more...your area"
Jean nodded, a bit disappointed at the young guard for not even trying to interfere.
Kids like him-who just didn't care-were the bane of Jean's existence. With the decrease in Knights due to the expedition, Jean had to make due with these 'volunteer' recruits. Their problem was that they didn't care at all about their own job. They thought that the Knights needed them, because of how understaffed they now were.
It didn't bother Jean much to fire someone, though.
Jean nodded and gestured to the knight instead, shooing him away from the door and entering into Kaeya's office herself.

Diluc wasn't known for being the most..angered man.
Bit today, today was different.
The Knights. Always so inefficient.
Today marked two days since their Cavalry captain had disappeared.
He left without a trace, and the fact that he disappeared midday made the scene much more eerie.
Kaeya Alberich had shown no signs of anxiety that morning. His Knights were all jolly and well-behaved.
Noone showed enough ill-will to the Captain enough to commit a crime of such severe intent.
None of his closest comrades noticed anything off before the victim had left, taking his usual break to depart to one of Mondstadt's landmarks.
The grandmaster, Jean Gunnhildr, had said that Kaeya wanted to go to Starsnatch cliff that day; a long walk from where his station was.
And they had let him go, as if they didn't care at all what happened to their valuable Captain. Kaeya Alberich was the most inefficient knight of all, in the opinion of Diluc Ragnivdr:Getting himself lost, kidnapped, or killed.
The papers that flew around Diluc didn't bother him at all. That jackass of a Calvalry Captain could clean it all up himself, after he dragged himself back from wherever he'd chosen to brood.
"Hey Luc"
The old nickname scared him enough to step aside and whip around, almost fast enough to get whiplash.
"Jean"
His shoulders visibly relaxed, sighing in relief-no, disappointment?
"Why are you in here-trashing Kaeya's office?-"
"Captain Kaeya Alberich. Don't use that name so formally. He is a captain, after all"
Jean nodded, her face unreadable.
Diluc cleared his throat."I was searching for evidence"
"It's only been 48 hours. He does this alot, you know"Jean said as she tilted her head.
Diluc rolled his eyes and muttered under his breath,"Of course he does"
"He isn't slacking off or anything. He just..he's got a lot on his mind"
Diluc raised his eyebrow at this. "Why? Has something happened to K-ahem, the captain recently?"
Jean chuckled."He's always got something or the other going on. You know, since you both-" She cut herself off. Was she stupid? Why would she say something like that so bluntly?
"Hm."
The grunt was frustrated, but tired as well. Tired of everyone reminding him. Tired of people making him sound like the bad guy.
He'd made his choice. He chose to kick Kaeya out of his life. Did he regret it? Sometimes.
Okay, alot of the time.
Jean looked at Diluc, her eyes sad.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like tha-"
"MASTER JEAN!"
The yells echoed across the hall, startling the two.
Jean stepped into the hall, just as a young knight stopped suddenly, almost making himself fall over.
"Grand Master Jean! We've received some news on Captain Kaeya" the boy stumbled over his words. Upon hearing his ex-brother's name, Diluc popped out of the room as well.
"They've found him. And He's..he's not in good shape"

Chapter Text

Two days.
He had been half-dead, his body pale and stiff. His pulse was almost nonexistent.
Obvious signs of near-drowning, the liquid in his lungs proof, as well as the wrinkles and the soft tissue that hung from different parts of his body.
It was a miracle he was still alive. Perhaps part of the reason he was alive was due to his natural resistance to cold, being a cryo wielder. But even then, they had their limits. Some cryo wielders were stronger than others, some even training towards being unaffected by the cold all together. Kaeya had never been all that interested in the idea.
Now, they had to act fast. Diluc held Kaeya in his arms, heating up his whole body using his vision, the sharp red glow pulsing on his belt. Jean took advantage of the heat, softly brushing her wind across Kaeya’s wounds (scrapes and various bruises, skeptical of a run-in with the sharp rocks in the lake). Barbara stood idly by, her hydro useless and perhaps more dangerous to his health than anything. A young nurse stood in the middle of them, her presence rather awkward compared to the four people, who were almost family to each other.
She stood over the young man, a stethoscope pressed against his chest. Her eyes were curious, focused. She’d obviously heard something concerning, her eyebrows tilting downwards. Kaeya’s breathing was shallow and rapid now, his body getting warmer, maybe a bit too warm.
The nurse removed her stethoscope, placing her hand on his forehead. His lips and fingertips were tinted blue-not getting enough air in-his cheeks were flushed red, a fever present. His body was shivering at a constant, almost violent rate.
“Kaeya, can you hear me?” her voice was soft, cool.
No answer.
Kaeya gasped suddenly, breaking into a coughing fit. Shuddering dry coughs that wracked his thin, trembling frame; Diluc’s arms held the bluenette tighter, his vision glowing brighter. “Not so tight!” the nurse exclaimed, pulling Diluc’s arms away. Kaeya’s body tumbled over, Jean just barely catching him.
The nurse pulled away, embarrassed. Diluc’s face flushed red as well, but his expression remained serious. Jean shook her head, her blonde ponytail swishing back and forth. The younger nurse sighed, fiddling with the hem of her smocked dress. “H-his body has been warmed enough, for now. Let's get him a bed in the infirmary, and I’ll treat his pneumonia”
“Wait- pneumonia…?” Diluc’s voice was low, shaky.
“My apologies, Master Diluc. He is presenting with all symptoms of pneumonia, severity undetermined- as well as mild hypothermia. I am less worried about the hypothermia- but i’ll treat it accordingly, just in case”
Jean and Diluc nodded, albeit slowly.

Kaeya’s body was hot and sticky to the touch, sweat beading on his forehead. His nose and cheeks were flushed incredibly, his face radiating heat. Jean slopped a cold, wet rag on his forehead, cleaning the sweat off with another. Kaeya’s chest heaved up and down shakingly, his breaths thick and slow. Diluc stood by, timid in response to the situation.
It reminded him of a similar scene, almost twelve years ago, Kaeya in bed with a bad fever. It was shortly after they’d found the boy in the rain, his clothes wet and filthy; his hair matted with caked-on mud that conflated his wavy blue locks together. Diluc had suppressed giggles when he’d first seen the boy, such a curious sight in front of him that hardly any child had been exposed to. Diluc had seen homeless, starving children before: waifs and strays on the streets of Fontaine, some even in the forests of Wolvendom; a couple on the outskirts of Mondstadt’s walls. None of them looked quite like this new, curious child. Kaeya was obviously not native to anywhere near the area, his bronze skin, bright blue eye and hair, and the way he spoke the Mondstadt language in such an eloquent manner, slurring over his w’s and r’s. His speech was broken, just barely coherent. If the bluenette’s eyes weren’t glossy and spilling over, the tune of his voice quavering and on the verge of sobbing, Diluc wasn’t sure if he’d be able to tell how the small boy felt.
But he’d known what to do when his father knelt down, his face contorted into one of concern-excitement too, maybe-and told him to get some towels. He’d run up the stairs, searching for the closet he’d often seen Adelinde grab supplies from. He’d torn open the door, visibly shaking-out of shock and excitement-shock from finding a malnourished boy on his father’s doorstep, but excitement for a new friend-a little brother? A playmate too?
The short redhead’s smile was beaming with joy as he pulled three(maybe he’d need more-five towels), and ran down the stairs and into the main bathroom on the first floor. He heard sobs, broken and stuttering. He peaked through a gap in the door, seeing his father’s hands hover awkwardly over the boy. “It's okay. What is your name? Let us get you changed-” The strange boy shuddered, pulling away from Crepus. “Don’t- hurt me…”
Diluc slowly opened the door, a small chuckle escaped his lips. “Ha-ha! Father couldn't hurt a fly if he tried!” The bluenette tilted his head. “Father? Pater? पिता?” He rolled the three words out, the second languages sounded more fluent and natural coming from his lips. Crepus chuckled at Diluc, patting the boy’s fluffy red hair. “Yes, my boy. I am Diluc’s father, and I won’t hurt you”
Kaeya looked up at Adelinde, who stood idly by the bathtub, grabbing the towels from Diluc and setting them aside. She noticed Kaeya’s gaze, and a small laugh escaped her lips as well. “Yes, मेरा लड़का. Master Crepus would never hurt you”
Kaeya seemed to find comfort in Adelinde’s words over the rest of him. Maybe he felt more connected to a female parent. A mama’s boy in another life, probably.
They finally managed to get Kaeya into the bath, the four of them coddling the boy with soaps and perfumes, even letting him eat in the tub once they’d hear his stomach make an obnoxious growl.
That day was great, but the next few were troublesome. Crepus set out to find the proper paperwork, after he confirmed that Kaeya’s parents were not coming to get him. That was all he was able to pry from the bluenette, the boy still struggling with the common tongue and the topic was-well, was a fairly fresh wound, they were able to deduce. Not even an hour after Crepus left, Kaeya’d developed a bad fever. Adelinde worked with him most of the day, trying everything to bring the fever down. Kaeya was too weak to talk, too weak to move. He did nothing for almost a week just lying in the bed as time, and the Ragnividrs, moved around him. He was visibly in pain, every brush of contact, Adelinde or Crepus sitting him up to wipe his sweat or change his sheets, was pure agony. He wailed and screamed, every molecule of his body ignited in flames of pain. A few doctors came, but none could figure out what exactly he was down with. His symptoms were only an extremely high fever, fatigue, and extreme pain on contact. Too little was known, not to mention Crepus had no official paperwork for the child, and no background to go off of.
All the doctors told Crepus that Kaeya just had to sleep it off. He’d either get better, or he simply just-wouldn’t. And they had nothing else to say.
Crepus was frustrated and tense, barely masking his stress. He clearly got attached very early on. Getting a new birth certificate was hard, seeing as his parents were unknown. Kaeya’s state had been officially titled as a ‘temporary foster placement’, until the officials found something of his parents. The boy was clearly not from their region; what if he was a product of slave trade, or kidnapping- and what if Crepus was caught in the crossfire? He didn’t want to look at Kaeya as a threat to him, his family, or even Mondstadt. He was just a little boy, incapable of thoughts as intense as what all these official social workers and officers implied of his very existence. Crepus, as a father himself, didn’t understand why Kaeya was abandoned, left behind; maybe it was necessary, maybe his parents couldn’t afford to care for him. But they could afford a trip to Mondstadt? Maybe they were foreigners, broken free from captors, and leaving their son behind to build a new life. But maybe there was a more cunning ploy at hand, a sinister plot. Maybe this small, not even four foot child, was going to be the undoing of the great nation of Mondstadt.
Or he was just a sick, wandering child with no home.
That's how young Diluc saw it.
Why couldn’t people just be as simpleminded as children? To stay ignorant was to halt progress. Was to bring your guard down.
Was to trust someone.
Diluc wished he hadn’t chosen to trust that boy.
Kaeya ruined everything.
Crepus loved them both equally, and that hurt Diluc. Because Kaeya didn’t seem to care about who loved him. Who would die for him. Part of Diluc believed it was his own fault; He was grieving, just as Diluc was- but not in the same way. The way he coped with the death of their father was to admit to being the very thing Crepus had feared he was? That wasn’t entirely Kaeya’s fault. Nobody told Kaeya how people saw him in his earlier days, and the bluenette himself hadn’t seemed to recall. Maybe he did know. Maybe he knew that his new father always had this twisted idea of him in the back of his mind, and that hurt him. Maybe Kaeya had known what Crepus had been up to. Maybe Kaeya knew everything.
Or maybe, Kaeya was just as ignorant, if not more, of the whole situation. Maybe Kaeya wasn’t as aware as people made him out to be. His life was built on a well-spun web of lies, and that web was built on over a thousand more; and he’d felt that lying was the best way to cope with it.
Honesty hadn’t alway proven to be the best policy.
The day Diluc ripped the privilege of having his name from Kaeya was the day he thought he’d figured it out: who Kaeya Alberich really was.
He was a spy for the dying nation of Kheanri’ah. He was never loyal to the Ragnividr name. He’d never been loyal to Crepus, to Adelinde-
But most importantly, he’d never been loyal to Diluc.
All of these secrets admitted only moments after the death of the man who saved Kaeya’s life? He’d hated Kaeya ever since. How could you do something like that? In what world did it make sense? Kaeya had to have felt something- anything- for the family who chose him. The family who would have done anything for you. But Kaeya didn't seem to care. Kaeya became harder to read than usual the older he’d gotten. And more reckless, Adelinde joked. Kaeya didn’t seem to value much of anything anymore. Including his own life.
Diluc had a creeping suspicion about this incident, the timing of it far too close to his own birthday; the scene perfectly untouched, no signs of struggle. Kaeya’s vision tossed aside in a nearby bush. No means of transport. The lie, the distance from where he’d told his fellow knights he was going too far from each other.
Kaeya joked about leaving this world a lot- joked about how he’d have better luck in the next one. These often came after some heavy drinking, but lately he’d barely touched alcohol. He’d come to Angel’s share just to keep up appearances, so it seemed. He ordered, but didn’t touch anything. He took part in drunken conversations too. Diluc understood ho
w that felt. How it felt to be buzzed on mental illness.
It was part of the reason he didn’t drink. His head was in a constant fog, not to mention the smell and the flavor were overstimulating. He didn’t understand how Kaeya could stand the experience; Kaeya often got overstimulated more than he did. Kaeya threw a lot of fits growing up, stimming and sobbing over winery parties or after a particularly bad day. Both of the boys had some issues that separated them from other kids. They’d found a teacher who specialized in neurodevelopmental disorders. She’d diagnosed both Kaeya and Diluc under the autism spectrum, something that shocked Crepus. He’d heard of these disorders very rarely; it was considered as a stain on ones family. People who housed these children either left it untreated and kept them from the public.
"Your child is troubled. We do not want him to interfere with the teaching of the other children. He is a distraction”
Diluc was not a distraction. He was a refined young man, masking his symptoms for his father’s sake. He’d hated that he rubbed off on Kaeya, who’d begun to mock his tactics. They were so close for a reason, both of them going through everything together-they learned together, they played together. All they had was each other.
They were supposed to tell each other everything.
They’d promised to tell each other everything.
But Kaeya broke that promise.
And Diluc wanted to get him back, so bad. He wanted to stab Kaeya in the back like he did him. He wanted to hurt Kaeya how he hurt him. He wanted to leave scars so deep in Kaeya that no amount of makeup would cover them up. No amount of skilled, practiced suppression could hide the pain he felt when he took a single glance at him.
And, he supposed, he did permanently hurt Kaeya.
But it was purely physical; the burn scars that littered Kaeya’s body, the ugly scar that he hid behind his eyepatch.
Diluc forced himself to believe that Kaeya hadn’t cared about the flames;After all, that's all Kaeya showed. He was told by Jean, that not even a week after the incident, Kaeya was on his feet again, jolly and with a newly developed love for alcohol. He donned the eyepatch, and when people asked what had happened, he laughed and spun a different tale to everyone.
He’d even made up a story for Diluc, when the redhead had once more failed to read the room; the question slipped out, and he regretted it as soon as he asked. Kaeya laughed; not a happy, joyous laugh, but a quiet, small chuckle filled with regret. “I lost it to a very lovely young woman. She pounced at me with a lighter in her hand, the flame in the shape of a heart. A marvelous trick, I must admit. She spun around me, mocking me with the promise of a song unheard; she pushed me over, and danced around me, her body on fire; She created a bird of flames, a phoenix, if you will. The phoenix pecked at my face with its fiery beak, until my eye popped from the socket. I was too mesmerized by the creature to move; It was quite a marvelous bird, I tell you!”
“But, the bird didn’t take an interest in me at all. After taking my eye, he spat at me and swept his mistress off her feet, and disappeared into the night”
“I wasn’t asking how it happened. I was asking why you wear the eyepatch”
“And I told you that I lost my eye. You believe me, don’t you?”
Diluc grunted and turned away. His head pounded, a stinging feeling nipping at his chest. What was it..ah, regret. But did he really regret scarring his b-ex-brother? Not at all. Kaeya needed to learn somehow.
Nobody deserves that.
It was a fit of rage-rage fueled by sadness, by anger-by betrayal; Kaeya hurt him. Kaeya had the audacity to even suggest that he had something important to admit. A secret he needed to tell him.
He always lacked empathy.
Diluc thought he had closed that door. He thought he’d made peace with the fact that Kaeya was no longer his brother; that he’d disowned him. He left that part of his life. He’d moved on.
So why was it that when he’d heard Kaeya had gone missing, he looked for him? Why was it that when he heard Kaeya was nearly frozen to death, he chose to heat him up again?
Why indeed.

Chapter Text

Kaeya eyed the glassy water, scanning over the rocks and mud he just barely saw in the dim moonlight. His first dip was cold, a brush with death; Now, what would his second do? Would he sink to the depths, and leave a misshapen indent on the bottom? Would his body fill with water, his lungs burst, his skin swell him into that of a balloon? Would the rocks rip him apart, leave a mangled version of what was once the Cavalry Captain behind?
Diluc would finally be free. Jean, Klee, Albedo…they’d all be free.
Finally. Free.
Free of his lies. Free of his secrets.
“Kaeya, can you hear me?!”
He could hear them.
He struggled to speak, a sharp pain ramming into his chest and sending his lungs into a fiery agony.
It didn't work.
He was still alive.
Was it selfish to want to leave everything behind? To leave everyone behind to mourn his death?
Was he doing them a favor? By leaving? By heading into the depths of the black vortex he spawned from?
All he did was lie. He didn't know any other way. The only good experiences he had were built on falsehoods, so that's what he thought he should do.
“My mama- she’s not here anymore.”
A truth.
“Uhm- my papa? He’s gone too.”
Not entirely a lie. His dad abandoned him, and he was gone. Maybe not from this world, but still gone.
Kaeya opened his blue eye, his lashes batting uncomfortably. He was in a sick bed, surrounded by white tiled walls. The room smelled sickeningly sterile. His bed was white, the pillow hard, the blanket thin. He was in the knight’s infirmary, which made sense. The knights had a low budget to go off of.
Jean was asleep at his side, her hand looped in his. He looked to his other side, a small bundle of red with two blonde pigtails popping off of her head, her hat on the floor. Kaeya ran a hand through Klee’s hair, a small smile planted on his face.
No DIluc. Was that selfish? That he wanted his b- his..well, the owner of Dawn Winery with him?
As if he’d summoned the redhead, Diluc entered the room. “Kaeya?”
His voice was cracked, his cheeks wet with tears. “Oh, Diluc..” Kaeya felt his eyes tear up. Diluc lunged towards Kaeya- he opened his arms for an embrace-
He hadn’t expected the claymore to go straight through him, flames blasting from the blade and around Kaeya’s torso.
“D-Diluc?” Kaeya’s eye was wide open, fear locked in his face. “Oh my god, Diluc-”
Diluc gave him a wide, terrifying smile.
“Kaeya, hush. I’m helping. I’m trying to help you.”
“This isn’t… It hurts ‘Luc..”
“It’ll hurt a bit at first, but then it’ll all feel better. I want you to feel better. Do you feel better Kaeya?”
“Diluc, please- ” his body was weak. It hurt so bad.
The heat of the flames knitted the wound back together, encapsulating the blade of Diluc’s claymore into Kaeya’s middle.
“Oh.” Diluc seemed disappointed.
“Jean, can you help me out? Klee, wake up!” Diluc called out. Jean’s eyes fluttered open angelically. Klee hopped up, her bright, contagious smile almost blinding Kaeya. “Are we helping?” Klee yelled into his ears. Jean yawned, stretching her arms over her head. “Ah, morning Captain Kaeya! Ready to start the day?”
Kaeya’s eyes goggled at them. Did they not see the sword causing him pain?
“Please… Jean, please help! Help me, please…”
Klee giggled, shoving her hand against his mouth. “Shhh! Don’t scream big brother.”
Diluc nodded at Klee. “Yup! We’re helping. Do you feel better, Kaeya?”
Kaeya choked on his sobs.
“Do you feel better, Kaeya?”
“Do you need help, Kaeya?”
“Have some pills, Kaeya”
What a nuisance.
The room got cold, icicles spearing through the bodies around him. He looked at their faces, but their features were fuzzy, covered in warped noise and color.
His ears were twisting truths, haunting noise and shattered sobs warbling into his head.
“Get out”
“Do you need help Kaeya?”
“Do you feel better, Kaeya?”
Diluc whispered, icicles popping from his eye sockets. His body was mangled, bones sticking out of his legs and arms.
Diluc cupped Kaeya’s face into his dirty, misshapen hands.
“‘Luc, please let go.”
“If I let you go, will you fly away, like I did?”
“WIll you spread wings and fly away, Kaeya, like father did?”
Father..
A tall, bulky man tilted kaeya’s chin up to his face. The man was old, his right eye entirely covered with a mask. His white hair dangled over both his shoulders, his beard making the hair appear more pronounced.
His hands gripped the bottom of Kaeya’s face.
Father.
“Kaeya, I miss you.”
Liar.
“Kaeya, I love you.”
Liar. Liar. Liar.
“You can’t love me, you don’t know me.”
“You're my son. I love you, son.”
“No you don’t!”
“How could you possibly know that?” The old man released Kaeya’s chin. Kaeya felt himself fall over backward, his body flying straight through the bed. He landed on a cold, concrete floor. Two brown arms wrapped around his body, embracing him.
“mera sundar, sundar bachcha..”
Kaeya wept in his mother’s arms.
“Will father ever stop hurting us?”
He wasn’t going to stop. Kaeya had five more years yet.
“Usaka matalab yah nahin hai.”
“He doesn’t mean to.”
Except he did. He did mean to.
Kaeya stared into his mothers sad brown eyes. He hated to see her in pain. The bruise that sealed her right eye shut bulged out uncomfortably.
“Ksaami, mama…”
His eyes watered, tears threatening to spill over.
“I’m sorry mama. I’m sorry papa- I’m so sorry Diluc…”
He sobbed, his body twisted on his mother’s lap. She ran his hand through his hair, slick with sweat. 

Chapter Text

Kaeya and Diluc were Jean’s best friends.
She didn’t want to choose between them. They’d never vocally suggested anything of that manner, but Jean had started to see it that way-shortly after Diluc left Mondstadt; What had he expected her to do? Wait on his doorstep until his inevitable return?
Jean was a woman of duty. She had to keep the knights together-for the sake of Mondstadt.
For the sake of her family.
She knew no one else was more qualified to take Diluc’s place then the shadow of the man himself: Kaeya Alberich.
She regretted that decision.
Watching her best friend’s chest heave up and down sluggishly had only been a painful reminder that he was here, partly because of her.
Jean was exhausted that morning, and hearing Kaeya come in made her realize that she’d been up all night, again. He came into her office, his arms crossed, with that incredibly irritating smirk wiped over his face.
Kaeya approached her, putting his hand on her shoulder. “Jean, please rest. Even if it's just a couple hours”
She groaned defiantly, pushing him away with very little effort. “Kaeya, I have to work. You know about the young knights-All pretty much useless”
Kaeya laughed heartily. “Jean,dear, be wary of what you say. They have a tendency to snoop. Always sticking their noses where they don’t belong” Jean chuckled in response, a thin wheeze whistling out at the end. Kaeya visibly slumped, his voice getting serious. He gave her a concerned look. “Jean, I’m worried about you”
The blonde was shocked, almost, when he’d said that. She hated it when he got like that. When he wasn’t joking. “Kae, don’t worry about me. I have to shoulder these burdens, to keep these knights under control”
“A cry for help if I’ve ever heard one” He said, weakly. His voice audibly trembled. From what? Exhaustion? Concern? Was he sick?
“Are you feeling alright?” Jean almost laughed when his eyes widened at her suggestion. He laughed awkwardly. “Do I truly look so bad this morning? I could’ve sworn-'' His voice trailed off into a mumble as he peeked into a mirror on the other side of the room. Jean smiled, tucking her head into her arms. “Okay, but just a couple hours. Don’t want to end up looking like you” She teased, Kaeya’s frustrated eye roll told her everything. He turned back to the mirror, curling a piece of hair that popped out from the top of his head.
“Kaeya, promise you’ll wake me up”
“I will. I’ve got nothing but time today”
He never woke her up.
Jean had arisen just as the sun set, surprised that no one had come to bother her. Or that the sun hadn’t exploded yet.
She was ready to go off at Kaeya, so that's the first thing she set off to do.
He wasn’t in his office.
“Where’s the captain?” She begrudgingly asked one of her least favorite recruits. He shrugged. “Kaeya-” “Captain. Captain Kaeya”
The kid rolled his eyes, and Jean was just about to smack him when he replied. “He went on his break and never returned”
Concern flashed in Jean’s eyes. “He’s-wait, he’s missing?”
“Tomorrow we follow the protocol, correct? Twelve hours gone, we sound the purple alert. Right?”
Jean didn’t answer. He just had to do it again.
Almost every month, Kaeya went missing-usually for three or more days. He’d always came back-mostly unscathed.
Except for the night Diluc had left.
But that had been personal, hadn’t it? That was all Kaeya had let anyone know. He’d left with two eyes and a gorgeous, mostly untouched face.
He’d returned littered in burn scars, sobbing in pain and with a phobia of fire.
Jean never wanted to see him cry ever again.
But now, standing over his shaking body, she’d swallowed her own tears.
Kaeya was wailing in a fit of delirium, heat radiating from all over him.
“Ksaami, ksaami…” he muttered, over and over again.
A foreign language often spoken in Sumeru; “sorry, sorry.”
Jean brushed the young man’s sweaty locks away from his forehead. His eyes were squeezed shut, tears flooding over his cheeks. “Kae”
He shivered, a miserable moan escaping his lips. “Kaeya, shhh, I’m here..”
“Maan?Mama..”
Jean felt the tears return, pricking into the corners of her eyes.
“Oh, Kaeya..” she sat on Kaeya’s bed, pulling his feverish head onto her lap. She ran her fingers through his hair-something she’d been nearly obsessed with. Ever since they were both little, Jean loved Kaeya’s hair. It was so smooth and the way it simply glided through your fingers astonished the young girl. Also the color was brilliant, a shade of blue she’d hardly ever seen before; It resembled the dark, mysterious color of the deep ocean-what secrets were hidden inside of that brain of his? What information did he have that she didn’t know? She was never going to pry him for answers, but even the thought of him knowing a Sumeru language bothered her, for some reason. She liked to think she knew everything about him. She wanted to know everything about him.
He was like the little brother she never had, and everytime he’d return to the headquarters with even a small scratch visible, she sat him down and scolded him, to which he’d argue with his own reasons against her. Why she hadn’t slept, hadn’t eaten, etc.
Kaeya was seemingly protective of her as well, always the best candidate for forcing Jean to take a break. They only listened to each other, an unspoken promise between two sleep deprived young adults. If he was going to sleep, really going to sleep, she would as well. Lisa, Bennet, and even Albedo had to call upon Kaeya to get Jean to sleep most nights. Not only was she horrifically overworking herself, but she was also often haunted by night terrors, nightmares consisting of losing her new family;
Jean’s parents divorced when she was very young. Her mother took her while her father took Barbara. They had drifted far apart afterwards, and no amount of reconciliation could bring them closer.
The absence of her younger sister had influenced her to take Diluc and Kaeya in Barbara’s place, as bad as it sounded. It was harder to treat Diluc like a younger brother, as he had a complex in which he felt he had to protect everyone he saw as family.
So Kaeya took that place; And then he had two older siblings.
Diluc and Jean often coddled him growing up, jumping to defend him in almost every situation, and even picking on him every now and then. Kaeya never protested, watching his elder brother and sister mature far too fast.
Jean wondered if he knew, even when he was young, what they were getting into by choosing to love him. Jean knew Kaeya had yet to make a clean break with his vast, terrifying past.
She supported him as best she could, but Kaeya struggled to tell others about his past before ten; and even his first five years afterwards.
“It’s all just a fog to me, really” Kaeya would say, and Jean would never believe him. He did know alot about it, obviously-but she respected him far too much to pry any further than that.
Maybe she should have tried harder. She should have known that something was wrong-
It could have just been an accident though-of course.
But you know it wasn’t.
“Grandmaster Jean, I’m just saying, this doesn’t look like a crime. This isn’t the first time he’s done something like this”
Something ‘like’ this. But not this.
“You’ve requested therapy for him several times before. You know that he probably did it on purpose-”
No. she refused to believe it.
But as she glanced down at Kaeya’s now bare arms, the raw, red scars beaming back at her after being subjected to the cold, she’d come to the realization that something really was wrong.
Kaeya had wanted to die.

Chapter Text

Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.                                                                                     Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.
Kaeya stared into his father’s striking blue eyes, paralyzed with fear. This was just a dream. A very, very bad dream. It had to be a dream.
His father reached for Kaeya’s throat, his hands transforming into sharp, elongated claws that enveloped around his maw, tightening and entrapping him; already he was frozen in a timorous state, his body shaking so hard he was rendered useless.
Kaeya couldn’t breathe.
The walls closed in around him, squeezing his body into a flat mass of flesh; He was being suffocated; he couldn’t escape. His heart pounded heavily against his chest, the rhythmic beat pummeling into his skull and echoing a clock-like bump-bump throughout his mind.
His vision tunneled, black pulsing in his vision. “Please-please stop!” He felt himself         scream, but his mouth was sealed shut by paraffin, wax flaking onto his tongue that was bitter and disgusting.
His lungs felt as though they were being torn apart ruthlessly, seeing red as his mind fogged. Kaeya was thick with sweat, his whole body trembling, his lungs pumping up and down with extreme force. His breathing was rapid and uneven, oxygen high out of his reach.
Kaeya begged, cried and whined for just one breath; just one to get his lungs evened out.
But it was impossible. His lungs constricted against his ribs, squeezing the life out of him. He thought he heard clashing and banging around him, people yelling and sounds of the cool summer breeze passing by him.
“How…odd..” He managed.
—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The state of the room was utter chaos. Kaeya was having a bad panic attack, and everyone tried their best to help. Jean shouted at everyone to give him space, while the young nurse splashed water on his face-which only seemed to shove Kaeya into a deeper stupor; Diluc seemed to be teetering on the edge of an attack himself.
“Oh dear god-” he mumbled to himself, his face paling.
Jean groaned miserably, before grabbing the basin from the nurse and setting it aside. The front of Kaeya’s gown was sopping wet, the cold liquid rattling him worse-She hoped he wouldn’t catch cold. She avoided making physical contact until she was sure he knew where he was. “Kaeya '' she tried, her voice soft. Kaeya’s face jutted to her side, his movements sporadic. “Hey, Kaeya '' She said again, meeting his eye; It was glazed over and unfocused-his iris looked in twenty places at once.
“Can you count down with me?”
His head twitched, and she took that as a yes. “Okay, Kaeya. Lets count to five” She kept his unfocused gaze on her. “One” she paused, waiting for a response.
“O-one” he stuttered, his voice hoarse and wobbly. “Two” again, he hesitated.
“Two”
He sniffled, tears running down his cheeks once more.
“Alright. Are you okay? Can we keep counting?” Jean said, observing how his chest was still going up and down rapidly.
“Y-yeah” He croaked as his lip wobbled.
“Three”
“Th-three”
Jean heard the panic in his voice; he was breathless, trying his best to get air in.
“Four. Is this okay? Can we keep going?” She edged closer to Kaeya’s side, placing a finger on his hand. “Can I hold your hand?”
He nodded shakily. “W-we can…can khe-keep going”
“F-four”
“Five?”
“F-five”
By now his breathing was slower, and a bit more stable. Jean got up and sat on Kaeya’s bed, wrapping her arm around his shoulder and pulling him onto her lap. She proceeded to mess with his hair, pulling the strands of blue through her fingers. As his body settled, the room seemed to settle down as well. Kaeya’s eye fluttered in sleepiness, but scared to shut in fear he’d find himself in the same nightmare as before. He had dark bags under his eyes, exhaustion peeking through him again. “Jean,” he mumbled. Jean looked down to his face. “Yes?”
“Keep m-me awake. Don’t let me fall asleep. I c-can’t go back to sleep”
She nodded silently. “Just stay still. I won’t let you fall asleep. Against my better judgment” she chuckled. He gave her a half-hearted smile.
Kaeya scanned the room, trying to stay grounded.
Stay awake.
Kaeya nearly jumped at the sight of fiery red hair. Was that…Diluc?
Jean felt the jolt, pressing her hand to his head. “What’s wrong?” She followed his gaze to Diluc, realizing his confusion.
“Master Diluc stayed with you the whole time. He refused to set foot outside of the room unless I was here”
Kaeya turned his head to Jean weakly. “Oh”
Diluc shuffled at the sound of his name. “My business nearly collapsed without your patronage,” he tried to joke. Kaeya’s lips quirked.
It was confusing.
Hadn’t Diluc hated him? He should have cared less. He should be at the winery right now, dealing with his business. What day was it?...Should Diluc be tending to the bar?
“How long was I out?”
Jean hesitated, then looked away. “It’s been three days”
Kaeya’s brain felt foggy, like he was still dreaming. Was he still dreaming? His throat was sore and his brain was pounding against his skull. He felt unwell overall, his muscles were in pain, his lungs itched, and he had a dry cough. He was struggling with breathing, air coming in small, short breaths.
“Oh. Have I caught a cold?” He said in a hoarse voice. Jean laughed sarcastically. “You have pneumonia Kaeya. That’s a bit life threatening, I think”
“It can be” Kaeya had just now noticed the young woman that stood in the corner of the room. She was refilling a basin and had a change of clothes on her arm. She approached him, laying the clothes on the bed frame. “Master Jean, he needs new clothes.” Kaeya’s face flushed. “Huh-wait-have you been changing me?”
Jean smiled and shrugged. “Yeah. and?”
Kaeya sat up quickly and grabbed the clothes. “I can change myself now. Who made this poor woman change my clothes?? That's shameful” He tried to stand, but his legs wobbled and fell back down.
“Ow”
Diluc sighed and approached Kaeya. “I’ll help you. If it bothers you for Jean to change you so much”
Kaeya nearly sighed in relief. “Thank you. Just sit me down somewhere in the restroom and I’ll handle the rest”
Diluc rolled his eyes. “Alright, if you say so.” He held out a hand to Kaeya awkwardly. Kaeya grabbed the hand, the feeling of Kaeya’s clammy skin surprised Diluc.
Diluc hoisted Kaeya onto his side, pulling Kaeya’s arm around his shoulder. The two men stumbled awkwardly to the bathroom, the silence spanning around them and causing the two to feel miles away from each other, despite their shoulders touching.
Kaeya coughed twice into his shivering palm. “Sorry” he croaked, his face turned away from Diluc. It felt like Kaeya was pulling away from him slowly, the tension dragging him to the floor.
By the time they made it to the door, Kaeya was just barely hanging off of Diluc like a broken door, tipping over from its hinges.
Diluc set Kaeya on the closed toilet seat and backed away, leaving the bluenette alone with his change of clothes.
Diluc kept the door open just an inch, warning Kaeya that he was not leaving it shut.
An awkward silence stretched through the room, Diluc and Jean staring at each other as though they were in the middle of a staring contest.
Is he okay? Jean mouthed, to which Diluc simply shrugged. Neither of them were any good at talking to each other,as all of Kaeya and Diluc’s interactions consisted of them bickering at each other, dancing around the fact that they’d never actually talked about the reason Diluc had left in the first place.
When Diluc returned to Mondstadt, Kaeya tried to talk to him. He’d gotten extremely awkward, and after three or four drinks, all he’d managed to do was apologize. He gave Diluc an incredibly vague, “I’m sorry about everything”, Which only made Diluc more angry.
So they’d play the same song and dance over and over again with no shame.
Kaeya never seemed to understand what Diluc really wanted from him; Not just a half-truth of an apology-He wanted to know why he’d done it in the first place. Why did he lie to him? To Crepus? Was he exchanging their inner secrets? Whose side was he on now? Was he still a spy?
Diluc was just..confused with Kaeya. He didn’t know if he hated him, or if he was being ignorant and simply holding a grudge.
But Kaeya needed him-and he disappeared; How many times while he was gone did Kaeya need him? How many times was he forced into another panic attack, where no one was able to help? How many times was he hurt? Sick?
Kaeya was still his younger brother-at least in mindset. They didn’t share a name, only a father; But he’d grown up looking at the man as his brother, and changing that would be incredibly difficult.
“Kaeya? Are you done?” Diluc said, trying to shake his thoughts. A wheeze came as his answer, followed by a string of dry, raspy coughs. “Almost”
“Are you alright?” Diluc felt concern tug at him as more coughing came from the room.
“F-fine”
The red-head had to hold back the urge to tear the door open. How had he gotten
Like this? Although Jean sent some knights to assess the area, all they’d been able      all that they’d been able to deduce was that there wasn’t a struggle. Then how had
He ended up in the lake?
Kaeya pulled his pants on, fighting the spasms that tore at his muscles. He’d always hated the texture of scrub gowns; The cheap material was almost enough to drive one mad. He felt his cheeks getting warmer, his head still pounding. He wanted to sleep. When he managed to pull himself onto the sink to look in the mirror, the sight before him was ghostly. Kaeya’s skin was a sickly olive color, dark rings around his eyes. His cheeks and nose were rosy, his forehead beaded with sweat. He was visibly thinner, the white fabric of his gown clung awkwardly off of his body.
Kaeya rubbed his eyes, trying to ebb the tiredness away.
He’d tried his best to remember how he’d ended up in this state. One moment he’d told his coworkers he was going to take a break. The next he was staring at his reflection for nearly an hour.
The next hour was full of dangerous thoughts.
He asked himself why he stayed alive anymore, when his closest comrades seemed to detest him. His only purpose was a job he’d taken from his elder brother; for what? Because he had to? Or was it all a petty act of revenge against Diluc?
He didn’t know. He never wanted to figure it out.
Kaeya was confident that the lake would take him with open arms, that he would die peacefully with his lungs filled to the brim in crisp, cool, and pure water.
Instead he was alive with his lungs full of said water.

Chapter Text

Once Kaeya had been settled into his bed again, The nurse had forced him to sleep.
Kaeya despised her for it.
Because once he’d woken up, he only felt worse. His sinus was burning, his nose was running, his lungs were even more irritated, his body was wracked with painful, stinging chills, and his fever went up;
And that dumb nurse had the gall to say that he was looking better than yesterday.
“Your lungs, at least. Those meds seemed to help.” She said enthusiastically, handing Kaeya a cup of slippery-elm tea for his throat. He liked the sweet, silky taste of it; reminiscent of licorice, almost. His only problem lay within the steam, clearing his mucus and causing his runny nose to get only worse. Soon he was a mess of sneezing and coughing, two trash bins full of tissues by his side. He hated the vulnerability of being sick; It irked him, the scary thought of being a delirious, blubbering, hot pile of open flesh to be ripped apart. Man, his fever must have been getting worse.
Kaeya’s eyes blurred in front of him, his whole body in misery. He drank the whole cup anyway, placing the cup on his nightstand with shaky hands.
He found even the effort of blowing his nose to be painstakingly hard. His face plopped onto his pillows as sleep clouded his brain.
No. He had to stay awake.
Kaeya wasn't sure if he could handle another nightmare. Or another panic attack, for that matter.
“You need to rest,” the nurse would tell him. He didn’t want to, and after staying up all night they had to drug him. He was then caught in a cycle of foggy, nonsensical dreams and flashbacks as time flew by.
Kaeya’s brain melded time and reality, his fever fluctuating. Diluc and Jean monitored him most of the time, making sure he ate and slept. He popped in and out of consciousness, endured nightmares and odd dreams all the while. It was mostly a blur to him, the days that lead up to his recovery. He remembered the day his fever had finally subsided, quite vividly. For the first time since he’d nearly drowned in the lake, he was alone in the dark room.
No Diluc. No Jean. The nurse wasn’t even there. So he got himself up, struggling to stand on his legs after they’d been unused for so long. He wobbled at first, righted himself, and limped to the bathroom.
Kaeya stood over the sink, staring into the mirror intensely; He ran his fingers over the dark bags that lurked under his eyes and his sinking cheeks. He looked like crap.
He’d looked worse before, he swore to himself. He hoped that was the case at least.
Kaeya turned the sink on, splashing cold water on his face. As cold as the freezing lake. Suddenly Kaeya was back there, staring into his violent expression. He’d made up his mind that night: He’d skipped his usual routine of heading to the bar and teasing Diluc. It only would have made him feel worse.
Instead he sat in denial, reviewing his life like he was studying for a test, his body feeling cumbersome and heavy.
He wanted to simply disappear; depart from this world and into a cloud of mist.
He hated it when he felt that way. The best way to explain the feeling was cruddy; a vague but perfect definition of his experience.
He was face to face with the man who’d ruined his life; he was staring right at all of his problems, his mistakes and his quarrels.
And all Kaeya had to do was look in the mirror.
His face paled upon the contact of the ice-cold water. He stiffened.
Kaeya was suddenly taken by a spell of dizziness, black dots swimming in his vision. He tilted forwards, unable to control his body as his forehead collided with the edge of the porcelain sink.
He slammed onto the bathroom tiles, and the last thing he saw was a pool of blood in front of him.

______________________________________________________________________
He was back there again. His father loomed over him like a dark shadow, the power he held over him fierce and inevitable.
Set me free. Let me go. I can’t take it anymore.
Pools of blood, littered with small stars surrounded him, pouring from a slash in his forehead. He tried to apply pressure to the wound, tried everything to stop the bleeding.
It tore through everything, quickly straying from his control. His arms and legs were stained red, everything around him clouding and suffocating him.
It was all his father’s fault. If he ever saw him again, he’d tear the man off of his glorified pedestal and stomp the flame that he called his determination out.
“Help” Kaeya mumbled, weakly. He was shaking frantically: The cold felt as sharp as knives, stabbing him all over. Help.
He needed help.
Kaeya stood up, shoving his father out of the way.
He ran to the mirror, eager to find out what was wrong. But when he looked into his reflection, his father only stared back at him.
Kaeya sobbed, his screams and prayers unheard by Celestia.
‘They don’t help people like us, Kae. Nobody helps us’
Kaeya ran his fist through the mirror with frustration, anger bubbling in his veins.
“I hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you” Kaeya screamed, tears running down his hot cheeks. His hand was bleeding, glass poking out from it with wide slits and scratches.
“I hate you”
_____________________________________________________________________________
Jean tried returning to work when she’d heard that Kaeya’s fever was gone, and even as she did it she knew it wasn’t the right decision.
An amateur knight had burst into her room, panic in her voice. “It’s master Kaeya” she said, and Jean stood up as she impatiently waited for the girl to catch her breath.
“He’s hurt”
Jean didn’t think her mind could jump to conclusions as fast as they had in that moment.
Was he convinced he was a burden once again? What was he thinking? Was he having bad thoughts about himself?
Had he hurt himself?
Jean shoved the girl aside and rushed down the stairs. She ran to the stables and grabbed a halter, loosely slipping it onto a hazel thoroughbred. She'd never done something like that so fast in her life, and the consequence was spooking the horse a bit. He backed into the stall, his backside ramming into the back wall. Jean groaned mournfully, cursing herself. She forcefully pulled on the lead, and with a bit of effort she'd managed to get the horse out. She mounted onto the horse, ordering him into a gallop. His hooves clattered on the brick-laden ground loudly, Jean willing him to go faster.
Don't be too late. 'Please be okay', she mumbled breathlessly to the wind that whipped around her.
When Jean arrived at the cathedral, she was faced with a frightening sight.
Kaeya was knelt over in shambles, His body shaking. tears and snot dripping down from his chin.Diluc was restraining Kaeya against his bed and the young nurse was trying to bandage his bleeding fist; his head was wrapped in bandages as well.
“W-what happened?!” Jean exclaimed, bolting to Diluc’s side.
With a grunt, the redhead replied,”He’s having a seizure”

Chapter Text

Diluc’s breath came in gulps, fear wrapping around his torso. Kaeya’s body shuddered hastily against Jean’s stiff body, shock freezing her in place, and the nurse ran around like a headless chicken. He knew he needed to moderate the situation; everyone needed to calm down, as they were only making it worse.
“Stop!” He shouted, grabbing the young nurse’s shoulder. His grip tightened, only loosening once she whimpered quietly.
The nurse took a breath in slowly, dropping her hands to her side.
She then approached Jean and tapped her shoulder. “Master Jean, let him go, please” Jean removed her arms reluctantly, placing them on her lap awkwardly.
The nurse placed a pillow under Kaeya’s head and stepped back. “Let it pass. Don’t let him hurt himself”

The fit took about one minute total, but felt like an eternity.
Kaeya had finally seized his shaking, his body going limp. Drool and foam dribbled from his chin, his mouth parted slightly; Diluc kneeled to Kaeya’s side, pressing his index and middle fingers on his wrist, at the base of his thumb, searching for a pulse– then pressing a little harder when he couldn’t find it. Eventually he found a slow throb, timing the beats to a slow tune in his head.
After fifteen seconds, Diluc released Kaeya’s arm, letting it drop onto his chest. He then lifted the bluenette into his arms and laid him back on his bed.
“D-do you know what caused it?” Diluc stuttered, his voice wobbly and uneven.
The nurse nodded slowly. “He was under stress, and appeared dehydrated,” she continued after a beat. “Not to mention, he was previously malnourished and was on a lot of medications,”
The way she spoke bothered Diluc. How could she talk so nonchalantly? How could she be so careless?! It was her fault Kaeya was like this. She was a nurse, for archon’s sake! Shouldn't she have noticed that something was wrong? Or had she been too busy panicking and whining like a child to notice?
Nevertheless, Diluc knew that Mondstadt’s people were getting negligent. They’d become too confident in the knights, and the knights in their leaders. In reality, it was a fragile balance, one that they’d misunderstood for the worse. Jean had gone soft on the recruits, eager for new employees to come and to stay.

Diluc was tired of this whole ordeal. Something was horribly wrong with his younger-brother? -friend -no, what were they to each other? Had it been a lie, all along? Did Kaeya truly mean to become a part of his family and then betray them? Did he have a deeper reason?
Diluc had far too many questions for someone who swore he had it all figured out.
He was in his mid-twenties now, and at this point life should have slowed down. He should have settled down with a spouse and perhaps some children. But instead he’d spent nearly four years fighting for his life in Snezhnaya, riddled with anger and grief over the family he’d lost. He went and ditched the life he fought so hard to maintain, left behind the people who truly cared for him. The people who needed him.
Kaeya needed him. And he was nowhere to be found. Did Kaeya think he was dead? Did he mourn for him, fear for him? Shed tears for him?
Diluc didn’t usually look that far into it, but when he did, he’d found he thought things that were conventionally unrealistic; Kaeya feeling guilt. Jean slowing down. Venti taking up responsibility for his nation.
These things all felt so far out of reach, but they were the things Diluc had wanted to accomplish before his inevitable death. He supposed that maybe Kaeya had already felt some form of guilt for his actions; that maybe Kaeya knew he’d chosen a sour time to come clean about his position in Khaenri’ah.
He wasn’t sure if he should care anymore. It had been years since that happened, and it had become a habit for them to dodge and tiptoe around their past in a sort of waltz, circling around and around for the rest of their lives. Even before, Kaeya had always evaded the subject of his past. But at least he was happy, Diluc thought. At least he cried, got afraid, showed anger; now all he did was smirk like an idiot; He threw insults and quips that usually flew over people’s heads or went straight through one ear and out the other like an unhealthy coping mechanism. It seemed to make up his entire personality, and Diluc was certain he wasn’t the only one who got irritated by it. Kaeya rebirthed himself as a man built on lies and masks of every shape and color; Diluc had always hated lies.
But now, here he stood, his shadow dimming over the his younger brothers body.
His heart was in his hands. Once again.

Chapter Text

Hey guys (╥﹏╥) I am super duper sorry for dropping this fic for so long with no warning, especially since its been TWO YEARS since I last updated. The craziest part is I literally never stopped being hyperfixated on Genshin Impact and ESPECIALLY KAEYA. I did lose interest in this plot, but I'm thinking I'll be revamping it soon, since I'm stressed and I gotta vent it out somewhere (Kaeya torment is in order) I also think this would be a good opportunity to practice my writing lol. I have another fic on here I'll be updating also, though not sure when and I'll be finishing this one before that one(Sorry Neuvillette lovers...I still love him so I'm definitely working on it) ANYWAYS love you guys and hope you'll hang around to read the next chapter...which will definitely be longer then the last ones too lmao

Chapter Text

Dreams twisted and swirled in the black of Kaeya’s mind, incomprehensible and droll dreams that warped into each other and tore apart relentlessly. The sludge morphed into people and places, memories and thoughts of a home he’d lost long ago. People who had abandoned him in the past and people who loved him for the present, back and forth swung the pendulum of his beliefs and the fragments of his spirit, as everything that made up his mind melted away and his mind was broken into a moment of clarity. Before him was a blanket of black, his eyelids far too heavy to let any light in. Voices warbled around him, worried and hushed tones he couldn’t decipher. Ah well, not like he’d be able to process much of what they were discussing even if he could. Kaeya could barely register any other feeling in his body other than the pounding in his skull, the rest of his body was faint and out of reach in a way he could not put into words. Not coherent ones, at least. He’d begun to ponder now, of a time far too like this one, where half his body was bandaged, and his vision was impaired as well. Maybe that was the day that sent his downward spiral into motion, perhaps that was when he’d lost his love of life.
This statement is a lie. Even Kaeya himself was not immune to the self-inflicted lies, things he wanted to believe were true, truths that would have made his life so much easier. Surely, it hadn’t been the night his father turned away, leaving him in the cold, pouring rain that pelted on his small frame, and walking out of his life forever. Kaeya could recall thinking, that night, as he crouched between two trellis frames that were barely discernible from the vines that covered them, like a shield, that maybe he was going to die.
The thought did not scare him.
And for as young as he was, it most certainly should have. But what else was he supposed to think, with a life as miserable as his? He'd barely been alive for longer than a century, and he’d already dealt with more than most adults would ever have. Perhaps that stress was the reason some locks of his hair were already growing paler, and for a child to be getting gray hairs was a concerning sight indeed. But even after what was considered near the top of Kaeya's list of the ten worst days of his life, the boy could still recall mundane moments where the thought would pass through again, the idea that maybe he’d just be better off dead.
And if he’d only done it sooner, would he be in this situation?
When Kaeya took that first dip into that icy lake, he hadn’t intended it to be any sort of release from this miserable existence he maintained.
But the second time...hm.
And the third? Or the fourth? How many times had it taken, how many times had he submerged himself before a flash of a smiling face forced him back up until he’d lost consciousness? Kaeya was certain what he’d just done was not meant to be an attempt on his life.
At first.
But as he failed to relax and have even a single moment of peace by himself repeatedly, he found the terrifying thought of forever being strung to a tightrope, a harness wrapped around his waist that was slowly wearing down as he was permanently suspended above an inevitable end, to be mortifying indeed. He’d already long since fallen, why was he not allowed to meet the concrete floor at last?
Was he being dramatic? Was this his attempt at an easy escape? It didn’t matter. It shouldn’t have mattered, because in the end, the inevitable choice that crept closer to coming into fruition backed him into his kennel, and a cornered dog rarely denies biting back. But in this case, the hand that pushed him further and further into containment belonged to many faces, a head of fiery hair, three blondes, and a city that now loved him.
What an admission. Maybe he’d finally come to peace with the fact that there were people who still cared for him, but maybe it had all come too late.
Dreams nipped at Kaeya’s subconscious again, and he’d found his entire thought process to be quite exhausting. He let himself be plunged into the cold darkness once again.
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Diluc was a terrible b̶r̶o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶.
Or this was the thought that plagued the redhead now, as his exhausted eyes observed the woman before him, tears rolling down her cheeks as she was asleep, muttering incomprehensible words, her hand wrapped tightly in Kaeya’s. Opposite her was a little girl with pigtails, her big red hat discarded beside the bed as she lay curled up next to his estranged b̶r̶o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶’s side, also sound asleep. Neither Jean nor Klee had left his side for long in the past few days, awaiting the moment when he was going to wake up again. Diluc scrunched up his eyebrows at Jean, pondering how her back would most definitely be in pain in the morning, what with half of her in a wooden chair and the rest draped onto the bed. His eyes briefly drifted back to Kaeya’s face, and he found himself redirecting his vision elsewhere. It hurt to look at the other for too long, regret and anger, amongst other things that festered in his gut. Kaeya was just too complicated of a person for Diluc to deal with at the moment.
But you’ll have to.
Diluc made a sour expression at that. Of course, inevitably Kaeya would wake up, and he would have to interrogate the other. Well, ‘had’ was a strong word. He didn’t necessarily have to be there, but Jean had made this his problem, when she’d screamed at him in the dead of night to ‘leave her alone’ and how she ‘didn’t need rest’, and when she’d grip onto his shoulders, bracing herself as her legs went weak with anxiety and the sobs broke out into his chest. All due to Kaeya’s current predicament, the knights were now killing themselves with overworking, as if they weren’t already inefficient enough before a crisis situation broke out. Now Diluc did not defend the actions of those knights at all, but when most of them were his dear friends and acquaintances, he wasn’t left with much of a choice.
And...of course, somewhere deep down, he felt somewhat responsible for this mess.
The past week had Diluc venturing into corners of his mind he had not explored in years, trying to wrap his head around what was happening around him and where he fit into the puzzle. Part of him felt like he should leave, turn around and run for the hills.
Running was what the Ragnvindr family was best known for.
That thought made him physically cringe a little, his crossed arms tightening around each other. What good would he be here anyway? Kaeya clearly wanted nothing to do with him, and vice versa. Well, he’d thought that maybe that should have been the case.
The truth was that Kaeya had betrayed Diluc and all Mondstadt, at that. But...Diluc had also had to remember that Kaeya seemingly had no control over the situation he was born into, but he definitely had control over when to tell his family the truth, and the fact that he’d kept such a detrimental detail secret for so long was what truly bothered the redhead. Did he not trust them? Were the years spent underneath the shelter of Diluc and Crepus not enough to gain some semblance of gratitude? Was Kaeya so selfish, so conceited that he didn’t think to confide such crucial information to anyone?
Did all those years of being a family mean nothing to him?
Diluc never wanted to place his hands on his beloved b̶r̶o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ ...acquaintance, but in that moment, riddled with grief and betrayal, he felt cornered. His fury could not be contained, and there the source of his anger stood, tears streaming down his pathetic, deceitful face. What was he thinking? And why would he do this? Their family was falling apart, and he’d dealt that final, devastating blow. And then, all Diluc wanted was to get him back. He wanted Kaeya to feel the pain that ravaged his very core.
and in that moment, Diluc had made the worst mistake of his entire life.
And now, he fears it may have been a worse situation than he’d thought. He figured Kaeya felt nothing after that night, and that his brother had devolved into this creature who told nothing but cruel lies, his tongue so twisted in treachery that it had become all he could do. This was, after all, Kaeya’s only truth: He was a chronic liar, and the things he’d spat were nothing but riddles meant to be deciphered. Never did Diluc think he was the target for these puzzles, or that if he’d taken even a moment of his time to focus on the other’s condition, he would notice that something was terribly wrong. In the past few weeks, Kaeya had become some monotone creature, seemingly purposely avoiding the Angel’s share, as if to avoid Diluc at any cost.
Kaeya was a coward. He ran from his responsibilities, and from his burdens. But Diluc was no better, he realized. Kaeya himself, after all, was a responsibility of Diluc’s, even if it was just one from the past. They could have been something better, together, protecting Mondstadt and enjoying each other's and everyone’s company.
Maybe they still could.
Diluc sighs, taking a seat at the corner of the bed and grimacing at how his weight seems to bring it down. What a metaphor, he ponders. Could they fix this? Diluc wishes it were that easy. Maybe Kaeya needed him now, but...was this the right direction? Would Kaeya let him back in that easily? Absolutely not. It was important to realize that they’d hurt each other, and there was no point in gauging who did the other worse or who was responsible. The past was the past, and while the Ragnvindr boy would give anything to go back and fix it, time travel was impossible, and the two would only find another way to hurt one another again and again.
But Diluc missed Kaeya terribly. As a customer, as an ally, as a friend,
And even as a brother. That, he missed the most of all.
Maybe he could try to fix this. Not just for him, but for his little brother as well. Kaeya clearly needed help right now, and everyone around him was unstable as well. He needed a pillar right now, someone to lie on who would not crumble at first contact.

Diluc would try.