Archive of Our Own ^beta

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8:21 AM

God has created the groupchat.

God has added Clive R. O’Brian, Chris Redfield, Jill Valentine, Carlos Olivera, Barry Burton, Quint Cetcham, Rebecca Chambers, Parker Luciani, Keith Lumley, Piers Nivans, Ethan Winters, Claire Redfield, Moira Burton, Curtis Miller, Gabriel Chavez, Pedro Fernadez, Alexander “Sasha” Kozachenko, JD, Steve Burnside, Zoe Baker, Jack Baker, Marguerite Baker, Joe Baker, Leon S. Kennedy, Ingrid Hunnigan, Angela Miller, Sherry Birkin, Morgan Lansdale, Rachel Foley, Neil Fisher, Ada Wong, Jake Muller, William Birkin, Annette Birkin, Alexia Ashford, Alfred Ashford, Nathaniel Bard, Frederic Downing, Alex Wesker, Luis Serra, Albert Wesker, Excella Gionne, Jessica Shewarat, Raymond Vester, Ricardo Irving, Osmund Saddler, Bitores Méndez, Ramón Salazar, Jack Krauser, Derek C. Simmons, Carla Radames, Glenn Arias, Mia Winters, Lucas Baker, Alan Droney, Alcina Dimitrescu, Bela Dimitrescu, Cassandra Dimitrescu, Daniela Dimitrescu, Donna Benevito, Salvatore Moreau, Karl Heisenberg, and Mother Miranda to the groupchat.

God: Have fun dickwaffles

God: Im gonna go finish a zanfort one-shot I need to do

God has left the groupchat.

Ricardo: Eh

Barry: Good god what is this

Steve: What the heck is a zanfort one-shot?

Chris: Oh what the hell

Sherry: That's a lot of people

Leon: Christ who did this

Zoe: God apparently?

Jill: Can we NOT have something stupid happen to us for 5 seconds

Carlos: Thought that was the BSAA's job supercop

Parker: Yeah we basically deal with stupid shit all the time

Sasha: Okay that is a lot of Americans

JD: AMERICANS!

Moira: Uh hi?

Leon: WAIT YOU TWO ARE HERE?

JD: LEON

JD: WHATS GOOD FRIEND :D

Claire: You know these guys?

Sasha: Technically he saved our asses so yes

Luis: A real-life prince charming!

Claire: Pretty sure that's how he makes friends honestly.

Zoe: Context?!

Jill: Yeah I would like some context as well?

Parker: I have no clue as to what is happening either.

Ethan: WHO THE HELL IS EVERYONE?!

Piers: There is like 40 people in this chatroom oh my god

Chris: OKAY EVERYONE CALM DOWN

Chris: I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for this

Albert: How the fuck did you get my number Redfield.

Rebecca: UH-

Jake: AND I AM BURNING THIS PHONE.

Sheva: OH HELL NO

Jill: How did WESKER get in the groupchat?!

Alex: He's not the only one.

Claire: YOU TOO?!

Barry: For fucks sake...

Ethan: Is there any other evil assholes hiding in here

Karl: Hi Winters~

Ethan: PISS OFF

Mia: Oh god why is he here

Alcina: We're ALL here.

Moreau: Iwjkq

Sherry: Uh

Sherry: Context?

Miranda: HOW TO WORK PHONE

Karl: As if I'm telling you this is amazing to watch

Luis: This is a dumpster fire and I am living for it

Leon: Of course you are.

Saddler: Dumpster fire is putting it nicely.

Luis: I AM NO LONGER LIVING FOR IT

Luis: LEON SAVE ME

Angela: What the fuck is happening

Hunnigan: You've put everyone whose ever experienced zombies in one group chat, good or evil.

Hunnigan: Absolute chaos.

Lucas: Sounds about right

Raymond: I don't even know anymore...

Albert: I don't know what's happening, but somehow I expect Redfield is involved in this.

Claire: The hell did I do

Leon: The OTHER Redfield, Claire...

Chris: Wesker the user who did this was literally named God if anyone I expect YOU

Miranda: Please, he's not the only god here.

Saddler: I was about to say

Luis: Oh shit this is both terrifying and entertaining

Albert: Excuse me?

Miranda: Where is your followers? Your territory?

Saddler: Only true gods have a following.

Albert: It's called TRICELL, you morons.

Jessica: What-

Carlos: And today's episode on "which pharmaceutical company is evil"

Raymond: At this point are ANY of them good?

Sasha: You can't even trust governments at this rate

Hunnigan: I'm sorry what-

Sasha: My government supplied faulty BOW's to the Civil War resulting in turning a majority of our city into zombies

Angela: Oh my gooood

Sasha: On the plus side you could temporarily control lickers

Luis: YOU COULD WHAT

Leon: God this is such a bad idea

William: What is happening-

Sherry: DAD?!

Jake: And there goes the space-time continuum

Claire: Why is HE here?!

William: I DONT KNOW?

Annette: Apparently we're both in here for some reason?

Sherry: MOM?!

Piers: Im so confused?

Carlos: And we're back at square one.

Chris: OKAY EVERYONE SHUT UP FOR FIVE SECONDS.

Chris: Apparently somehow, someone has created a group chat and added everyone who's experienced zombies here.

Chris: And I'm taking that as an estimate because I know a majority of people here have dealt with them

Karl: Technically Lycans are more like werewolves than zombies

Karl: Super-sized bitch has vampires over in her castle

Alcina: Shut your trap you STUPID MAN THING

Karl: Kiss my ass

Ethan: Can you all NOT?

Miranda: Shut it Winters

Luis: I don't even know what to call people infected with the Plagas

Saddler: Ascended

Krauser: Mutants

Leon: A fucking MENANCE

Luis: Agreed

Chris: MOVING ON

Chris: Can we TRY to not kill each other while we focus on figuring out what the hell is happening?

Albert: I make no promises.

Sheva: Yeah I fully expected that out of him.

Karl: Can't promise I won't kill the asshole family but I'll try.

Jack: Leave my family alone or I swear to god I will run you over.

Lukas: This chat is a fucking dumpster fire.

Jake: NO SHIT SHERLOCK

Jill: Could be worse

Leon: HOW could this be worse?!

Jill: Imagine if the Nemesis or Tyrants had phones.

Sasha: Oh FUCK THAT

Claire: I just got a PTSD flashback from that

Leon: They'd probably just button mash like Moreau or just scream one word.

Jill: Just imagine the nickname Nemesis pops up and all it says is STARS

Luis: I suddenly feel very threatened

Chris: WHY?

Luis: hehe uhhh

Raymond: Oh god what the fuck did he do

Carlos: Elaborate?

Luis: So y'know how I used to work for Umbrella

Leon: Luis what the fuck did you do

William: Wait a minute-

William: LUIS SERRA

William: I knew you sounded familiar

Luis: Hehehe uh hi

Luis: Ello senor Birkin nice to meet you again

Claire: Birkin, can you explain what exactly it is that Luis did?

William: He was one our head researchers for the European labs! Team 6, if I recall.

William: Most of our breakthroughs and developments there were because of him!

Hunnigan: Called it

Luis: Eh

Hunnigan: Knew he did something shady.

Leon: Well we won't know what he did if everyone keeps interrupting

Jill: WHAT?!

Jill: What did he do?!

William: Europe Lab 6 was the lab that created the Nemesis Project!

William: One of our best works!

Sasha: The hell is the nemesis project

Zoe: Nothing good that's for sure

Leon: I-

Carlos: ... Oh my god.

Luis: Haha I fucked up royally I know

Jill: YOU

Jill: YOU CREATED THAT THING

Luis: Yeah?

Jill: YOU. YOU PUT ME THROUGH ONE OF THE WORST EXPERIENCES OF MY FUCKING LIFE

Luis: Wait

Luis: DID YOU FIGHT THAT THING?!

Jill: YES

Parker: Does this mean we finally hear the nemesis story

Carlos: Shut up

Jill: WHY WOULD YOU MAKE THAT THING

Luis: WHY WOULD YOU FIGHT THAT THING

Jill: Because it decided to bust down my apartment wall and attempt to KILL ME.

Jill: Jokes on you, fucker, because I WON.

Luis: YOU WON?!

Sasha: And my respect for this American just increased tenfold.

Jill: YEAH.

Jill: But that asshole got me infected, scarred me for life, and DESTROYED MY TOWN.

Jill: SO EXPLAIN WHY WOULD YOU MAKE SUCH A THING?!

Luis: OKAY TO BE FAIR

Luis: I was just a researcher

Luis: I only studied the parasite and it's affects on bodies

Luis: I DIDN'T STICK IT IN A DAMN TYRANT OKAY

Sasha: Oh god that sounds horrifying

Sasha: I'm imaging a Tyrant infected with Las Plagas right now

Leon: DONT GIVE THEM IDEAS

Albert: I have to admit, this is becoming quite amusing. 

Raymond: Is there anyone else hiding in here that we should know of?

Ada: What the hell is this?

Leon: OH MY GOD-

Derek: ADAAAAAAAA

Luis: ?

Carla: Ignore him everyone.

Ada: Something we can agree on.

Curtis: It is too early for this what the hell is happening?

Frederic: Chaos, apparently?

Curtis: YOU-

Angela: CURTIS?!

Claire: HUH?!

Alexia: Oh great the Redfields are in here.

Alfred: Peachy.

Chris: Oh my fucking god not you two murder twins.

Albert: Surprisingly have to agree with you, Chris. 

Leon: What sort of parallel world have we entered?

Piers: I have no idea but this is insane

Parker: Why does everyone seem to everyone else apart from me?

Sheva: Yeah I don't know either.

Keith: Can I join the confusion group?

Quint: I can just pull up the files we have on everyone if that helps.

Rachel: WHY do you have files on all of us?

Raymond: WHAT-

Raymond: HOW

Raymond: WHY?!

Morgan: This group chat was a mistake.

Clive: You can say that again.

Chris: I think I'm going to actually have an aneurysm.

Glenn: What did I miss.

Chris: FOR FUCKS SAKE-

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8:30 AM

Chris: Okay we need to figure out some order around here because there are over 60 people in here

Chris: Somehow

Rebecca: Group chats can have that many people?!

Moira: I have a feeling a majority of people here would die when they discover what discord is.

Barry: The fuck is discord

Claire: BARRY THATS YOUR DAUGHTER

Barry: Oh please we swear like sailors around here

Barry: Besides, do you know what discord is

Claire: N

Claire: No

Moira: My point exactly

Chris: Moving on from whatever app Moira is talking about, maybe we should start with introductions?

Alcina: I would rather DIE than take orders from an idiotic man thing like you!

Albert: I would rather die than take orders from Redfield in general.

Sheva: Didn't you die?

Albert: I have "died" about 3 times, be a bit more specific.

Jill: Can you die for real then?

Albert: WATCH IT VALENTINE.

Jill: TRY ME ASSHAT I'VE FOUGHT GOD AND WON

Chris: CAN WE NOT-?

Saddler: Impressive. You must teach me your ways.

Leon: We're not teaching you ANYTHING.

Luis: Have to agree with that

Luis: ¡Vete a la mierda, gilipollas!

Carlos: :0

Carlos: ANOTHER SPANISH SPEAKER

Luis: Espera, ¿hablas español?

Carlos: ¡HABLO ESPAÑOL HERMANO!

Luis: YEAAAAAH

Carlos: YEAAAAAH

Leon: I know Spanish as well?

Luis: Yes, but you're an American, hermano

Luis: You don't count

Leon: Rude?

Sasha: Preach my Spanish friend

Leon: STAY OUT OF THIS

Luis: He's just speaking the truth my friend :D

Leon: I should have let you bled out

Luis: NO IM SORRY PRINCE CHARMING

Claire: I love how none of us know any context to this story

Krauser: I do

Zoe: Can we get some context then?

Krauser: I stabbed his boyfriend and the rookie managed to save him SOMEHOW

Leon: Not my boyfriend?

Sasha: I've been replaced?

Claire: IM CRYING-?

Ethan: WHY WOULD YOU STAB HIM?!

Krauser: He was in the way

Zoe: OF WHAT?!

Krauser: The Rookie

Luis: Since when was I relegated to a human shield?

Albert: This is why guns are better.

Sheva: With your abilities, I don't understand why you would even NEED a gun

Chris: WHY are you fueling his ego?

Sheva: Because he's terrifying?

Parker: What exactly did he do?

Sheva: You try shooting at Wesker with a sniper rifle, blink, and he's suddenly right in front of you

Raymond: Sounds about right

Parker: Wait you KNOW HIM?!

Raymond: Long story

Karl: Winters your friends are weird

Ethan: I DON'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE?!

Ethan: I only know Chris and that's because he saved my ass.

Zoe: Uh, the fuck am I

Zoe: A roach?

Ethan: And technically Zoe and her family

Jill: Going to switch back to the whole language conversation- CARLOS.

Carlos: Hola

Jill: I didn't know you spoke Spanish!

Carlos: Eu conheço muitos idiomas!

Zoe: Okay I'm going to be the one to say it

Zoe: I'm a redneck American, what language is that

Sheva: Portuguese/Brazilian

Jill: You know Brazilian?!

Carlos: Fuck yeah, I was raised there?

Leon: Figured since we're on the topic, what other languages do people know

Ethan: You want a list of all the European languages Chris had us memorize?

Karl: I lived for about 100 years- some of the shit I know I physically can't type because it doesn't exist.

Hunnigan: I have translators that know every language under the sun- hit me.

Albert: Want a list?

Raymond: Name 5 languages and I probably know about 3 of them

Zoe: WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW SO MANY LANGUAGES?!

Parker: About 90% of us work in the government, of course, we know multiple languages

Raymond: Then there's another 6-7% who work as spies and mercenaries

Ada: And the next 2% who are evil and work around the world

Ada: Which leaves the 1% of you who don't understand anything other than English.

Zoe: God dammit I feel left out now

Sasha: Pretty sure you're the only normal citizen here?

Moira: Didn't all of us fight zombies?!

Claire: Yeah I was going to say, NONE of us are normal

JD: Aren't we regular citizens though?

Zoe: HYPOCRITE

Sasha: HEY

Sasha: We are not your standard citizens

Sasha: We are revolutionaries

Curtis: Did someone add actual terrorists to the group chat?

Claire: OH YOU ARE ONE TO TALK

Curtis: HEY I WAS DOING IT FOR THE GREATER GOOD!

Claire: YOU BOMBED AN AIRPORT WITH THE T VIRUS WHAT DO YOU MEAN GREATER GOOD

Raymond: And once again, some of us have ZERO context into what is going on

Zoe: This is probably going to be the new normal isn't it

Curtis: 100% chance the terrorists did worse.

Carlos: Like what?

Sasha: Does unleashing truckloads of lickers at the Presidental Palace count as worse?

Ethan: YOU ATTACKED THE CAPITOL-

Sasha: Of the corrupted Eastern-Slav Republic

JD: IT WAS AWESOME!

Sasha: Until the Tyrants came out.

Claire: WAIT

Claire: You guys fought TYRANTS?!

Sasha: Technically me and the American did.

Claire: LEON?!

Leon: There were 3 of them.

Claire: DUDE?!

Sasha: We did our best, considering that SOMEONE ran away like a PUSSY.

JD: YOU EXPECT ME TO FIGHT THOSE THINGS?!

Sasha: I expect you to DO YOUR JOB.

Luis: And I thought I was the weirdest friend you had.

Leon: I honestly don't even know anymore

Curtis: Is there a button to leave the group chat?

Albert: Unfortunately, I think our numbers are forever saved in here.

Curtis: FUCK

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9:46 AM

Luis: HOHO FEAR ME FRIENDS FOR I HAVE DISCOVERED SOMETHING

Karl: FUCK MY PHONE FLASH JUST BLINDED ME-

Piers: Turn a light on???

Karl: Bitch I live in rural fucking Europe the most light I get is from THE SUN

Piers: IT'S 9 AM?!

Piers: OPEN A WINDOW?!

Karl: I LIVE UNDERGROUND?!

Chris: CAN YOU TWO NOT?!

JD: Here's the hourly group chat argument :)

Parker: What did you find?

Luis: Working on it

Jill: I have shit to do is this important

Leon: Oh god what now

Luis has changed Leon's nickname to PrinceCharming.

PrinceCharming: Oh what the fuck

Sasha: PFTAHHAHAHAH

Sasha: What a fitting name for our American friend

PrinceCharming: STAY OUT OF THIS

Luis has changed Sasha's nickname to "Revolutionary".

"Revolutionary": Бред сивой кобылы

Jill: What?

Karl: He literally just called Bullshit

JD: OH WE HAVE NICKNAMES NOW

JD: BET

JD has changed their nickname to YourFriendlyNeighborhoodJD.

"Revolutionary: He got into the DC comics that the Americans have started selling here.

Karl: Ain't that Marvel or something

Piers: PAUSE

Piers: You know what Marvel is?

Karl: Yeah

Piers: HOW?!

Karl: Uhhh I stole the comics off some hikers corpse a while back

Jill: I'm not even going to ask what happened there

Luis has changed Jill's nickname to FoughtGodAndWon

FoughtGodAndWon: Damn straight

Piers: Oh god he's on a rampage

Luis: Relax I don't know anything about you, so I can't do anything stupid with your nickname

Piers: Thank god

Derek: I DO

Chris: Where the fuck did you come from

Derek: None of your business Redfield

Derek: Now to abuse your boyfriend

Piers: HUH-?!

Luis: XD

Karl: REDFIELD HAS A BOYFRIEND

Chris: NOT MY BOYFRIEND

Derek has changed Piers's nickname to electricboogaloo.

electricboogaloo: WHYYYYY

Chris: SIMMONS

Karl: Oh I got this one

Karl has changed Chris's nickname to Boulder_Puncher.

Boulder_Puncher: HEISENBERG

Karl: COME AT ME BITCH BOY

Jake: The fuck did I walk in on

Derek has changed Jake's name to daddyissues.

daddyissues: MOTHERFUCKER-

Derek: AM I WRONG

daddyissues: I WILL SKIN YOU ALIVE

YourFriendlyNeighborhoodJD: Is he supposed to be good guy or no?

FoughtGodAndWon: I have no idea anymore

Luis: This has gotten out of hand

"Revolutionary": YOU THINK

PrinceCharming has changed Derek's nickname to Animorph.

Animorph: Fuck

daddyissues: Eat shit

daddyissues: Thanks Leon

PrinceCharming: You're welcome

Luis: Eyyy my prince charming

Krauser has changed Luis's nickname to Human_Shield.

Human_Shield: WHY

Krauser: Am I wrong

PrinceCharming: You are never letting that go, huh

FoughtGodAndWon: Absolutely not

Human_Shield has changed their nickname to DonQuixote.

DonQuixote: Much better

PrinceCharming: Of course he gets to choose his own nickname

DonQuixote: Then you pick a better one

Claire: He's unoriginal though

Claire: He's not going to be able to make one

PrinceCharming: The hell did I do to you?

"Revolutionary": Exist

Boulder_Puncher: Christ not one day of peace

electricboogaloo: No shit

Karl: Peace sucks lets overthrow the government and murder the matriarchy

PrinceCharming: NO

daddyissues: Isn't it supposed to be the patriarchy

Karl: No I typed it right

Boulder_Puncher: Is it too late to drop a nuke on the Village

Karl: HEY

PrinceCharming: Please do

DonQuixote: Well RIP strange European man who I never met

"Revolutionary": I think we need to narrow that down a bit

Karl: Yeah there are like 4 people here who identify as male and are living in Europe 

PrinceCharming: God there are too many people in this groupchat

Animorph: You think

Raymond: I leave for five minutes and everyone has nicknames

Parker: :)

Parker has changed Raymond's nickname to Cadet

Cadet: PARKER

Parker: THAT NICKNAME WILL STICK UNTIL THE END OF TIME

Jessica: I just heard Raymond scream out Parker's name from across the office

FoughtGodAndWon: Lmao

Jessica: Can we change our own names

Boulder_Puncher: We can, but it seems like everyone is simply changing everyone else's nicknames

Jessica: Well I could put that together

Jessica has changed their nickname to LobsterDinner.

LobsterDinner: You still owe me that Lobster Dinner Parker

Parker: Uhhhh

Cadet: STILL

Cadet: Jesus christ Parker that was, what, almost a DECADE ago?!

Parker: I've been busy!

FoughtGodAndWon: WITH WHAT

FoughtGodAndWon: I went MIA for two years, got kidnapped and mind-controlled and still I have managed to pay back my debts

Claire: EXCUSE ME?

Cadet: I have SEVERAL questions

DonQuixote: OW WHAT THE FUCK MY SHOULDER JUST STARTED THROBBING

FoughtGodAndWon: Oh god is he infected

PrinceCharming: With what

Claire: The scary part is THATS your first reaction to random pain in the body

Krauser: The fuck happened to your shoulder

DonQuixote: Mierda, you STABBED ME THERE?

Krauser: Oh

Krauser: Thought it was your spine

DoxQuixote: Moving on from how you still want me dead

DonQuixote: Pretty sure the shrapnel in there just started flaring up

Parker: Wait, you have a KNIFE stuck in your shoulder?

DonQuixote: Just the tip!

electricboogaloo: PFT

Claire: Oh my god-

daddyissues: PLEASE rephrase that into something less nsfw

DonQuixote: Okay prude

DonQuixote: I have a chunk of metal stuck in my shoulder

Karl: Huh

Karl: Wonder if my ability works through phones

Boulder_Puncher: AND WE ARE ENDING THAT HERE

Karl: Pussy

electricboogaloo: Not one day of peace

daddyissues: Bitch please we never get a day of peace normally

PrinceCharming: I need a drink

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9:12 AM

Ethan: The hell did I miss

DonQuixote: A crap ton of chaos and bullying lol

Alcina: Good lord, why can men never behave.

Karl: HAHA SHE LIVES

Karl: Finally I can do this

electricboogaloo: Oh no

Karl has changed Alcina's nickname to Supersized_Bitch.

Supersized_Bitch: YOU DIGUSTING MAN-THING

Ethan: Oh god

Karl: SUCK IT VAMPIRE

Supersized_Bitch: I WILL GUT YOU AND FEED YOU TO THE LYCANS

Karl: JOKES ON YOU THEY LOVE ME

Supersized_Bitch has changed Karl's nickname to StupidManThing.

StupidManThing: ALCINA

Supersized_Bitch: As you often say, quote, "Deal with it".

StupidManThing: I will burn your castle down

Boulder_Puncher: Both of you, cut it out. 

Curtis: And I thought the WP Corporation was corrupt.

Curtis: Those people are... a whole new level.

PrinceCharming: Reminds me of Los Illuminados

Ethan: The hell is that?

PrinceCharming: An evil cult in rural spain that worshiped a long-forgotten parasite.

Ethan: ... They are an evil cult in rural Europe that worships a long-forgotten fungus.

Curtis: I-

PrinceCharming: What the fuck-

Saddler: I am intrigued.

DonQuixote: NO YOU ARE NOT

Miranda: I am also intrigued.

StupidManThing: PISS OFF

Ethan: Can't belive I'm agreeing with the magneto rip off

StupidManThing: Honestly that is a much better name than Man-thing

StupidManThing has changed their nickname to Magneto.

Magneto: Tada

Miranda: Pathetic

Magneto: Bite me

Albert: Why are there usernames in the chat now.

Saddler: Apparently they are nicknames, and anyone can change them.

Alex: Intriging

Miranda: It's annoying

PrinceCharming: I am scared that all of the cult leaders are getting along.

Cadet: This group chat was a mistake.

Moira has changed the description to "This group chat was a mistake".

DonQuixote: What the hell is the description?

Boulder_Puncher: Wait we can NAME the group chats?

Moira: Christ you guys are old

Magneto has changed Moira's nickname to resident-tech-support.

resident-tech-support: Bet

DonQuixote: Now the question is what we are going to name the group chat

Saddler: I have an idea

PrinceCharming: We are NOT naming it Los Illuminados

Miranda: Pathetic

Ethan: Don't think you're naming it either

Albert: Since when did we get relegated to a punching bag?

electricboogaloo: Since you tried to do "Complete Global Saturation" with a deadly virus

Carlos: WHAT

Cadet: Again?

Parker: Raymond what do you mean AGAIN?!

Cadet: No scratch that, Veltro didn't do complete global saturation.

Cadet: Just 1/5 of the ocean

PrinceCharming: WHAT

LobsterDinner: Okay but wasn't that a bluff made by O'Brian?

Clive: Well not really.

Clive: Veltro at one point DID have enough of the T-Abyss virus to infect 1/5 of the waters.

FoughtGodAndWon: And then I came along and made sure that it wouldn't infect the oceans.

Albert: Ah, the T-Abyss virus

Albert: Truly one of the strangest viruses to exist.

Parker: How do YOU know what the T-Abyss virus is?

Albert: Reasons.

LobsterDinner: Uh

Cadet: Shut up

electricboogaloo: I feel like I'm missing something

Ethan: You think?

resident-tech-support: I love how we've gone from "What should we name the group chat" to "Deadly virus that could infect a fifth of the ocean"

resident-tech-support: But anyways

resident-tech-support: I figured out a name for the gc

Magneto: Honestly if it's not an evil cult name, it's great

resident-tech-support has changed the group chat name to "We Fought Zombies Lol"

Boulder_Puncher: I

electricboogaloo: Sounds about right

Curtis: I'm going to bed

Angela: IT IS 9 AM CURTIS

Curtis: Yeah and I haven't slept in two days, bite me

DonQuixote: The fuck is that guy made off?!

PrinceCharming: Spite

Angela: Spite

Claire: Spite

Curtis: I'm not that spiteful!

Angela: YOU BOMBED AN AIRPORT OVER A SENATOR'S ACTIONS

Curtis: Okay the plane crashing into the airport wasn't a part of the plan

Claire: Okay but have you considered that NONE OF US BELIVE YOU

Curtis: Sigh

Curtis: I'm never living this down am I

Saddler: We will happily allow you to join our "club"

Curtis: I would rather die

PrinceCharming: Didn't you die?

Curtis: I think?

Curtis: I remember waking up in a hospital full of doctors with some weird hexagon logo.

Boulder_Puncher: You mean TRICELL?!

FoughtGodAndWon: WHAT

Curtis: I think?

Cadet: Oh boy

Boulder_Puncher: ALBERT

Albert: Oh please, it's not the worst thing I've done.

Sheva: The worst part about that is that it's true.

electricboogaloo: It honestly is

Angela has changed Curtis's nickname to DepressoEspresso.

DepressoEspresso: Really

Angela: Am I wrong

Angela: Go drink some coffee or something instead of sleeping at 9 am

DepressoEspresso: What do you think I've been doing the last two days

Angela: CURTIS THAT ISNT HEALTHY

DepressoEspresso: PISS OFF

Claire: The two sides to the sibling dynamic

Boulder_Puncher: You have siblings who care about each other and then you have them

DepressoEspresso: I am going to bomb another airport

Angela: NOOOO

"Revolutionary": I can help

PrinceCharming: NO

Boulder_Puncher: Since when did Leon get designated for crowd control?

Claire: Ever since all of his friends discovered the group chat

PrinceCharming: FFS WHO THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO ADD THESE PEOPLE HERE?!

DonQuixote: Does our prince charming no longer love us

PrinceCharming: Yeah I don't

PrinceCharming: Begone

PrinceCharming: All of you

Claire: Aw

PrinceCharming: You can stay

Claire: YAY :)

DonQuixote: What is this, reverse mysoginy?

Angela: We are NOT going there

PrinceCharming: Angela can stay too

DonQuixote: AND NOT ME?

PrinceCharming: No you can go back to the dumpster I fished you out of

Claire: IM CRYING-

Albert: What is happening.

"Revolutionary": I have been disposed of. How sad.

Claire: I can't tell if that's sarcasm or not

DonQuixote: Not yet

DonQuixote: Sasha

"Revolutionary": Luis

DonQuixote: Let's be friends and then we can annoy the hell out of our lovely American!

"Revolutionary": Fuck yes.

PrinceCharming: I can't win around here

Albert: A terrorist and a former Umbrella Scientist, no way that friendship can go wrong.

Sheva: Oh you are one to talk.

Chapter Text

Name: We Survived Zombies Lol

Description: This group chat was a mistake

Members: 63 (Cannot Display)

12:43 PM

Albert: Alright, I shall be the one to say it.

Albert: Who here has worked/developed a bioweapon?

Saddler: Me

Miranda: I have as well.

William: Uh technically I guess I fall under that category?

Alexia: Oh, 100% me.

Frederic: I sell them, I don't make them.

Glenn: I make them.

Alex: Meeeeeeeee

Animorph: Yours truly was worked on plenty :)

Boulder_Puncher: Wesker what are you doing

Albert: None of your business, Redfield.

Ethan: I have a very bad feeling about this...

PrinceCharming: That's putting it nicely.

A new group chat has been created.

Albert Wesker has created the group chat.

Albert has added Alex Wesker, Excella Gionne, Osmund Saddler, Miranda, William Birkin, Alexia Ashford, Frederic Downing, Glenn Arias, and Animorph to the group chat.

Albert: There. Now we have our own group chat, free from the BSAA.

Frederic: Lovely. 

Miranda has added Supersized_Bitch, Donna Beneviento, Salvatore Moreau, and Magneto.

Saddler: I assume we are adding the lackeys?

Supersized_Bitch: Lovely! It's nice to know my daughters can have a part in this.

Magneto: You mean the fly people?

Animorph: Fly WHAT?!

Alex: You are one to talk.

Animorph: I am going to rip you apart.

Saddler has added Bitores Méndez and Ramón Salazar.

Salazar: HAHA

Salazar: So this is what the mysterious Albert was working on!

Albert: You are welcome.

Moreau: Eeeeedojwj texting

Alexia: And whoever that person is, it concerns me.

Magneto: He concerns everyone, don't worry about it.

Moreau: Fingies too bug to type

Albert: ... Great.

Supersized_Bitch has added Bela Dimitrescu, Cassandra Dimitrescu, and Daniella Dimitrescu.

Glenn: The more the merrier apparently.

Animorph: Alright time to find Carla's contact info.

William: Who?

Albert: His maybe-girlfriend, I honestly don't fully understand either.

Excella: You don't have your partner's contact info?

William has added Annette Birkin.

Animorph: Well do you?

Excella: Of course?

Excella: I have him saved in all of my phones :)

Magneto: G A G

Excella: Excuse me, but who the hell are you?

Magneto: Someone who isn't horny for a mass murderer

Excella: EXCUSE ME?!

Animorph: PFT-

Miranda: At this point, I can't take you anywhere.

Magneto: YOU NEVER TOOK MY ANYWHERE IN THE FIRST PLACE

Alexia has added Alfred Ashford. 

Albert: Oh great it's this tool.

Miranda: Who the hell is this?

Glenn: None of us know each other, dumbass.

Alexia: That is my brother, Lord Alfred Ashford, the 7th Earl of the Ashford Family.

Frederic: The cross-dresser?

Supersized_Bitch: Cross what now?

Magneto: PFTAHHAHAHAHHA

Alfred: The WHAT-

Glenn: Wait, you mean the rich guy who dressed up like his sister?

Albert: Yes, THAT one.

Albert: Creepy weirdo.

Frederic: I'm not even going to try to reason why someone would do that.

Saddler: I am very confused 

Alfred: I

Alfred: I haven't even been here 5 minutes and I'm already being attacked

Alexia: You act as if that's the worst thing that they could do to you.

Alfred: Shouldn't you be defending me?! You're my sister!

Frederic has changed Alfred's nickname to ISSUES.

ISSUES: OH COME ON

Frederic: AM I WRONG

Frederic: What kind of issues do you have where you need to crossdress?

Glenn: Gender Dysphoria?

Miranda: I thought that only applied to trans people?

Alexia: Alfred's trans?

ISSUES: I hate all of you.

Animorph has added Carla Radames.

Animorph: She has been added!

Animorph: What the hell did I miss.

Albert: God I'm going to regret this, am I?

Alex: 100%.

Magneto: This is going to be more of a dumpster fire than my "family".

Magneto: This should be good.

A new group chat has been created.

Boulder_Puncher has created the group chat.

Boulder_Puncher has added Barry Burton, FoughtGodAndWon, Carlos Olivera, Quint Cecham, Rebecca Chambers, Parker Luciani, Sheva Alomar, Keith Lumley, electricboogaloo, Cadet, LobsterDinner, and Clive O'Brian.

Boulder_Puncher has changed the group chat name to "BSAA Official Group Chat".

Boulder_Puncher: If Alfred is going to have his group chat of evil, we're going to have one for the BSAA.

electricboogaloo: And how do you know he's making an evil group chat?

Boulder_Puncher: Just trust me, I know him

Boulder_Puncher: But anyways, we have our own private group chat now.

Parker: Nice.

FoughtGodAndWon: FUCK YEAH

Carlos: Why am I here?

Boulder_Puncher: Jill has basically had you adopted by the BSAA, so you're allowed.

Barry: And me?

Boulder_Puncher: You and Rebecca are advisors, so you count.

Rebecca: Yay! It's nice to be welcome!

electricboogaloo: Aww she seems so nice

Barry: He gets attached easily, doesn't he?

Boulder_Puncher: We all do.

electricboogaloo: :D

Cadet: I feel like I don't belong here?

LobsterDinner: Yeah have to agree.

Clive: Raymond stays, Jessica is debatable.

LobsterDinner: Wow

LobsterDinner: Favoritisim anyone

Cadet: I mean you technically were a mole for the FBC...

LobsterDinner: You WORKED for them???

Cadet: As a mole for the BSAA?

Quint: I mean they technically worked for the BSAA at one point?

Keith: Eh, weirder shit has happened.

Quint: Okay fair.

Carlos: So what's the description of the group chat?

Sheva has changed the group chat description to "No one let Carlos play Mario Kart"

Sheva: I played with him once. Never again.

Carlos: I'm competitive, what can I say?

Sheva: You shoved me off the couch.

Carlos: Tactical advantage.

electricboogaloo: oh my god-

FoughtGodAndWon: Bet, Mario Kart competition

Sheva: What did I just say

FoughtGodAndWon: I'd wipe the floor with him

Carlos: Bring it supercop

Quint: LETS GO MARIO KART

Keith: Oh god you summoned the nerd

Cadet: The nerd?

Keith: Quint is the stereotype gamer kid

Keith: This is not going to end well

Quint: You're just scared I'll beat your ass

Keith: I'd like to see you try

Parker: It's like watching toddlers argue about who gets the player 1 controller

LobsterDinner: Don't act like you don't want to try.

Parker: Sigh

Parker: Yeah, I do

Sheva: Screw this, I'm joining as well. 

Sheva: As long as I don't get shoved off the couch again.

Carlos: I make no promises.

Cadet: I nominate Parker as the human shield against him

Parker: Real smooth, Raymond.

Cadet: Rather you than me.

Clive: Well I can say this has gotten off a lot better than the public group chat.

Boulder_Puncher: Really?

Clive: Well there isn't any death threats.

Keith: There will be once we start playing Mario Kart.

electricboogaloo: Oh boy.