Chapter Text
Nick woke up early the next morning, patting around on the bed with his eyes closed until he opened them in confusion, not feeling the perfect form of Charlie. He turned his head to see an empty spot next to him, the delicious smells of bacon and coffee coming from the kitchen of the rental cottage.
“Char?” Nick called.
It was just a moment before Charlie came in, a cup of coffee in his hands. He put it on the bedside table next to Nick and kissed Nick on the forehead, Nick smiling and closing his eyes. “Hey, baby.”
Nick couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. Charlie still called him baby today in the light of day. Nick…liked that. He liked that a lot. “What are you doing up so early?”
“Today,” Charlie said with a playful smile, getting on the bed on his knees, straddling Nick’s hips, “I am playing the role of one Nicholas Nelson.”
Nick grinned. “So you’re going to tell amazing jokes?”
Charlie sighed deeply and shook his head. “I think you might have the rarely-diagnosed ‘woefully wrong adjective insertion’ disorder, Nick. ‘Amazing’?”
“Incredible? Hilarious? Life-altering? Giant turn-on?”
Charlie touched Nick’s forehead like he was checking for a fever. “Nope, you’re still infected. No, I am playing the role of innkeeper and making you breakfast today. Think of this as your bed and breakfast, just for you.”
“Mm,” said Nick. “I’ve never straddled my guests in the morning. Clearly I’ve been a terrible innkeeper.” Charlie laughed and leaned forward to kiss Nick again. Nick smiled and stirred his hips, already aroused by the feeling of Charlie on top of him. “You did say ‘insertion disorder’. I do feel like I have that disorder, Char.”
Charlie giggled and rolled off of him. “You’re insatiable, rugby king Nelson.”
Nick growled playfully. “I am. What do you say to a round two before we eat?” He waggled his eyebrows.
“For you again?” asked Charlie, raising his eyebrows. “Aren’t you sore?”
Nick wiggled his hips, pretending to consider, making Charlie laugh. “Not too sore,” he said, grinning.
“Isn’t it my turn?” asked Charlie, giving Nick a saucy look.
“But I’m already semi-warmed up from last night,” Nick said, affecting a serious tone. He had not realised how much he was going to love the experience of bottoming, but god, he really had. He absolutely wanted to switch it up, too, but he wanted another taste of last night, too. “Efficiency, Charlie!”
Charlie laughed loudly. “Ugh, you business owners are always the same. Always trying to cut corners!”
Nick pulled him down, laughing. The bacon may have gotten a bit burned before Charlie remembered to turn off the stove, jumping up mid-foreplay, but in the afterglow, both of their chests heaving, they both agreed that it had been worth it.
-
The drive back to Lavender Fields was fun as normal, the two of them holding hands when not gesturing along to the show tunes mix that Nick had found on Spotify, belting along to a mix of Disney and Broadway songs. Charlie laughed hard at Nick’s sassy, hand-on-hip, “and Peggy” during The Schuyler Sisters song from Hamilton. Nick fell even deeper for Charlie when he sang, “You and Me but Mostly Me” from The Book of Mormon, giggling when Charlie pushed him aside during the chorus.
It was a little bit of an adjustment when they got back to Lavender Fields, guests arriving the same afternoon. Nick and Charlie said a quick thanks and a goodbye to the neighbours who had stayed on the property to take care of Nellie and Henry, going down to say their hellos to the girls. The whole day, things were exactly the same in so many ways, but also entirely different. Nick felt a new level of closeness - some safe, deep level of intimacy. Nick had always rolled his eyes a bit at the term “making love”, but that’s truly what it had been last night. This morning had been fun and tender, too, but last night…last night Nick felt like they had both been their truest, most vulnerable selves. They’d come together as two imperfect people, bodies and souls entirely connected, intimate in every way.
It showed up in tiny, glorious ways. It showed up in them greeting guests together, Charlie showing the two new room check-ins around while Nick took their bags. It showed up in tiny smiles and touches as they made dinner, in the way that Charlie held onto Nick’s pinkie finger for a fraction of a moment before getting the plates to eat together. Their closeness was all-permeating, a tangible comfort and familiarity that made Nick feel safer and more grounded than ever before.
It only got better when Sarah came back Thursday, the three of them falling into easy patterns with one another. When Nick and Charlie had returned to the inn, Nick had fully turned over the owner bedroom, replacing the mattress he bought with Sarah’s original one. He and Charlie had moved their things from Charlie’s original room to the downstairs one, the one reserved for Danny and James when they came. It might have the most terrifying portrait people, but it also had ample privacy, the only bedroom on that side of the house on the ground floor.
When Sarah returned, she hadn’t said a word when Nick and Charlie went into a room together, never questioning if or why Nick didn’t have a separate bedroom to himself. She was nothing but warm and welcoming of Charlie and Nick and Charlie together. Nick loved her so much.
It wasn’t too hard at all to share a house. The owner suite was on the far end of the house from where Nick and Charlie stayed, and they had plenty of space and time to themselves. They actually found themselves with more time than expected, Sarah making it very clear that she was the matriarch of Lavender Fields. She took over breakfasts, with now Nick and Charlie serving as sous chefs. Nick took what Charlie playfully dubbed his “demotion” in stride, enjoying watching Sarah bake, Charlie often staying close to help her in the mornings while Nick did the other chores. The first few days with Sarah there flew by, busy with catching up and with guests.
It wasn’t until Sunday that they all headed to town for the goods dropoffs, though the delay wasn’t a problem in winter, with the few markets that did still occur attracting much smaller crowds. The three of them got into the truck, Nick asking Charlie where he planned to go while he and his mum did their errands.
“I’m going to pop into a few places,” said Charlie.
Nick gave him a suspicious look. “You’re just trying to scout people for ‘Your team/My team’, aren’t you?”
Charlie gasped, looking scandalised. “How dare you, Nick Nelson? Accusing me of cheating? You should know that my team is superior to yours not because I sneak around, but because I make good choices.”
Nick laughed as Charlie gave a pretend flip of his hair. Nick squeezed his hand for a moment, Charlie’s skin soft and warm in his. Charlie looked down at their hands and then up again, an easy smile on his face. “See you in a bit?”
“Yeah, see you in a few,” said Charlie, pulsing Nick’s hand gently back before they separated.
Nick did what he needed, splitting the errands with his mum. He knew it would take longer than normal with Sarah catching up with old friends and letting them know she was back; even when Nick had mentioned it to people, they had exclaimed excitedly, eager to welcome his mum back to town. Knowing that, Nick took his time with the deliveries, wandering around the shops and picking up a few specialty ingredients to try out a few new recipes the next week.
Nick checked in with his mum once he had finished his rounds, meeting Sarah in one of the stationary shops. She greeted him with a warm pat on his arm, something she’d been doing numerous times since she had arrived the day before, almost like she was checking to see if Nick was really real and right in front of her.
“Did you chat with most of the people you wanted to say hi to?” Nick asked.
“Yes, mostly,” said Sarah happily. “I did have a wonderful time travelling, but it’s good to be home. Now I just have to hope you’ll let your mum take the kitchen back over and see if I still know how to make breakfast for everyone. I know I’ve barged in a bit lately,” she added with a grin.
Nick pretended to consider. “I don’t know, mum, I’ve made some changes. I’m not sure you can handle the epicurean experience I’ve fostered at Lavender Fields.”
“Oh?” said Sarah, raising her eyebrows playfully. “Do tell? I hear you’re now in the running for a Michelin star - that was the rumour at least when I was in Vancouver; it was in all of the papers.”
“Four to five Michelin stars, easily,” Nick scoffed, making Sarah smile. “I’ve tried to make it worldly, you know? This week we’re doing a Japanese-continental breakfast-fusion thing.”
“Yes? And what does that look like?”
“Sushi cereal,” said Nick wisely, nodding while he sorted through some of the cards for sale, Sarah laughing. He held up a card that had a picture of a boat on it, the name on the boat printed in lovely writing - That’s What Sea Said. “Should I get this for Charlie?”
Sarah gave a little laugh of delight. “You must, darling.”
Nick laughed too and paid for his card and the things in Sarah’s hands too, over her protests. He took out his phone, still having not heard from Charlie.
nnelson: Hey! Done with everything here. Where are you?
It was only a moment before Charlie responded.
C. Spring: hi!
C. Spring: i’m nearly done, too, just got to the music shop
C. Spring: i had no idea there was one here!
C. Spring: me rn 🥰😍🤩
Nick grinned down at his phone, imagining the smile on Charlie’s face. Nick loved Charlie’s smile. It lit him up from the inside out, the dimples appearing in his cheeks. It made his eyes sparkle like glittering pools, and made Nick feel so incredibly happy…
Music shop.
Charlie was going to the music shop. The music shop where Nick “found” the drums. Found them in exchange for money, that is. How was Nick supposed to know that his actions might have consequences?! He felt himself heat up and get itchy under his coat, already dropping the card and moving quickly towards his mum.
“Mum, we have to go now,” Nick said, his heart jumping into his throat.
“Why, darling?”
“Now!” said Nick again, now wide-eyed with panic. He hurried along, pulling his mum by the jacket sleeve as she asked where they were going and if everything was all right. Nick responded vaguely that it was fine, they just had to go.
The music shop was only a few blocks away, though Nick was entirely out of breath when he burst in, alarming several patrons who scattered like mice away from the door. Nick cast his eyes about wildly for a curly-headed god who was hopefully none the wiser. His blood pressure shot up by several thousand points when he saw Mike talking to a confused-looking Charlie, both of them seeming a bit puzzled as Nick nearly sprinted towards them, leaving Sarah at the front.
“...You said you’re staying at Lavender Fields, yes? The place over on Newbury road?”
“Yes…” said Charlie slowly, like they had already confirmed this.
“I could have sworn we came by a few months ago to deliver-”
“The drumsticks for the set I found and you helped me restore?!” Nick burst out, reaching Mike and Charlie.
Both Charlie and Mike whipped around in surprise, Charlie’s eyes widening at Nick’s appearance.
“Nick?” he asked, a perplexed and amused smile on his face as he reached up to move some of Nick’s hair out of his eyes. “All right?”
Nick could barely even appreciate that Charlie was touching his hair in public like this, not at this, the most fraught moment of his thirty one years. “IS THAT WHAT YOU MEANT, MIKE?” he continued, gripping Charlie’s arm as he wheezed, making desperate eyes at the shopkeeper and hoping that he had an unrealised skill for extrasensory communication.
Mike blinked, looking both even more confused and mildly alarmed. “Yes,” he said haltingly. “That is what I meant.” He shifted his eyes from Nick to Charlie and then back again, taking a step back like he regretted ever having started a conversation about whatever was happening. Charlie looked at Nick and then at Mike, his eyebrows drawing slightly together, lips parted like he was about to talk. Nick was trying to think of what to say to cover up the moment when Mike spoke again, this time not looking at him.
“Hi,” he said, voice now a little breathless.
“Hi,” came a similarly breathy voice behind them, Nick turning abruptly to see Sarah standing a few feet away, her gaze fixed on Mike.
Nick swung back to look at Mike now, whose face was transfixed. “Sarah,” he said, a slow, incredulous smile spreading across his face. “I thought - I had thought you weren’t at Lavender Fields any more.”
Nick opened his mouth to say that he had been at Lavender Fields when Sarah spoke again, neither she nor Mike seeming to notice him or Charlie. “My son’s been running it for me,” said Sarah, shaking her head as if in wonder. “I had no idea you’d moved back.”
“We had a change of plans-”
“It’s so lovely to see you-”
“It’s wonderful to see you-”
Nick stood in perplexed and terrified confusion as Sarah and Mike continued to stare at each other, blinking and looking between them. Charlie sidled up to his shoulder, barely trying (and acutely failing) to suppress the grin on his face.
“Seems like they know each other?” asked Charlie in a falsely casual tone as Sarah and Mike seemed to remember they were human and started talking, laughing and smiling as they did. “Reckon they might have ever-”
“I swear to god, Charlie, I will feed you to the portrait people.”
Charlie snorted and pressed his lips together like he was trying hard not to laugh. “Mike…Mark… Sarah seems to know a lot of men with M names that are four letters. Guess she has a type for her… friends.”
“May you never find the cool side of a pillow for the rest of your life, Charles Elvira.”
Charlie chuckled and took Nick’s hand, stepping closer and angling their bodies towards one another. Nick looked down at their joined hands and then back at Charlie, the happy feelings battling the very, very sad ones. “What’s happening?” Nick whined, looking at Charlie despairingly.
Charlie pressed his lips together in a sympathetic frown and nodded, eyebrows drawn together. “What’s happening is that your mum knows how to get it, Nick.”
Nick winced and clutched his arms into his chest like little dinosaur arms, pulling his curled fists towards his body in horror. He looked at his mum, still talking animatedly to Mike, and sighed deeply. “We never thought she was the one who was going to sexile us,” Nick said morosely.
Charlie burst out laughing which he tried to cover up with a very ineffective cough. The strangled noise caught Sarah and Mike off-guard, both of them blinking and looking around.
“Well,” said Sarah, the blush evident in her cheeks. “It’s lovely to see you, Mikey.”
“Mikey,” Charlie mouthed wordlessly, Nick giving him a small push with his shoulder.
“It’s truly wonderful to see you, Sarah,” said Mike. Mikey. Whatever. Gross. Both of them were stupid names. Nick would immediately remove that 5-star rating he had left when that traitor brought - found - the drum set for Nick. “I’ll, uh…”
“We’ll be seeing you!” called Nick, seizing the moment and steering Sarah and Charlie out of the shop, Sarah waving a startled goodbye.
They walked to the car, Charlie and Sarah chatting mildly about their days, though Sarah sounded a little distracted, eventually gazing out the window with a private smile on her face as they drove back to Lavender Fields, Nick periodically looking over and frowning. He could see Charlie looking at him as he drove, full 10/10 menace energy coming off of him in waves. Nick could practically hear him smirking. Well, the joke was on Charlie. Nick was not going to put out tonight. Much.
Nick fake-scowled but felt warm inside when Charlie glanced at his mum, still suitably distracted in the backseat, then reached over to take Nick’s hand. Nick pretended to refuse it at first, balling his hand up and making Charlie laugh and wrap his hand around Nick’s fist. Nick could only last a second, though, shaking his head resignedly and wrapping his fingers around Charlie’s.
Sarah drifted away to her bedroom when they got back to the inn, promising to help with dinner in a bit. Nick and Charlie unpacked the car and started getting food together, Charlie playing the role of sous chef for Nick. They really were an incredible team, moving smoothly with one another. They hadn’t done much in the kitchen since Sarah had returned, practically chasing them out of the kitchen when they tried to beat her to making breakfast. Nick felt warm as they cooked, talked, and laughed, Charlie making horrific jokes about his mother’s sex life that made Nick cover his ears with oven gloves and hum loudly.
Nick paid Charlie back at least a little when he rubbed a can of corn on the sleeve of Charlie’s long sleeve shirt, Charlie looking at him with a puzzled look.
Nick widened his eyes innocently and held up the recipe. “It said to Char the corn.” The regret and disappointment in Charlie’s groan was deliciously sweet, tasting of mild revenge.
Dinner was nearly ready and Nick was about to call his mum from her room when Charlie slid behind Nick, wrapping his arms around Nick’s middle. Nick smiled and crossed his arms to cover Charlies, the two of them locked in a sort of backwards embrace.
“Hey, you,” said Nick, closing his eyes and grinning at how perfect his life was at this exact moment. “What’s this for?”
“Just appreciating my boyfriend,” said Charlie. Nick could hear the smile in his voice. There was a pause and the two of them stood there hugging, bodies pressed together and warm. “Hey Nick?”
“Yeah, Char?”
“I saw the oddest thing in the music shop today.”
Nick felt his heart quicken a little. “Oh yeah?” he said, trying to keep his voice level and calm.
“Yeah,” said Charlie, voice with an inscrutable quality. It felt…menace-y again.
“Was it a glockenspiel? I feel like those are odd, aren’t they? What a weird word, too. So German, am I right? Glockenspiel…where does that come from, do you think? ‘Glock’ must be from the German ‘keyboard thingie’ and ‘enspiel’-”
“Nick,” said Charlie again, the grin now clear in his voice. Nick fell silent, his heart hammering. “I saw a drum set nearly the same colour as the one in the barn.”
“That’s…weird,” said Nick, clearing his throat, his hands stilling on Charlie’s arms. “Mike must like that colour. Maybe he refinished our set with the same colour when I had him fix it up.”
“You never told me Mike fixed it up?” Charlie’s voice was maddeningly neutral. Nick couldn’t read a thing into it.
“I didn’t?” Nick asked, feigning innocence. “I must have forgotten. Yeah, he delivered the drumsticks and stuff and then fixed it up and-”
“Nick.”
Nick went quiet again and Charlie turned in his arms, fortunately doing Nick the kindness of laying his head on Nick’s chest so Nick didn’t need to look him in the face. Nick knew how pink his cheeks and ears must be at the moment, and he felt like his skin might actually be burning though his jumper - one of the few Charlie hadn’t yet “borrowed”. Not that Nick cared. It did strange caveman-like things to his heart to have Charlie wear his clothes.
“I love that drumset,” said Charlie simply, snuggling closer to Nick. “And regardless of how you got it, uh, fixed up…it was one of the first things that made me think that maybe you might not be as dismayingly straight as I thought you were.”
Nick let out a rueful laugh. “You and me both, Springtime.” He paused, not willing to admit the full story but wanting to connect about that having been a common point for them. “When I was - when Mike and I were fixing it up to get it ready for you-” Here, Nick thought of when he had messed up the drumset to make it look older. “When we did that, I was thinking of you the whole time. I was thinking of how happy it might make you, and how much I wanted to see you happy. Eventually, I realised that maybe it wasn’t so straight to think of your platonic bro mate pal’s smile. And eyes. And hands.”
Charlie looked up at Nick now, his face reflecting the same brilliant happiness that Nick had pictured when he bought the drums, albeit with a little smirk mixed in. “My hands?”
Nick grinned and picked up one of Charlie’s hands, kissing it. “Yes. God, your hands, Charlie…you have the most gorgeous hands.”
“Just in looks?” asked Charlie with a flirty look that made Nick’s stomach feel like jelly. “Or in what they can do?”
“Charles,” admonished Nick. “Are you flirting with me? In this kitchen, with guests and my mum in the house? And in this economy?!”
Charlie laughed and pressed onto his toes to give Nick a quick, chaste kiss. “Fine,” he said. “I’ll save it for later, when we’re in the room. Gotta give you something to remember me by for the two upcoming long, lonely nights in London.” He punctuated this by reaching around and squeezing Nick’s bum cheeks, making him laugh. “That’s funny about the drums - that they were such a big piece for both of us.” Then Charlie paused, seeming to consider. “It’s a nice memory for us, and for you and Mike, too. It’s nice that you and your future stepfather already have a bond.”
Nick closed his eyes and pretended to sob while Charlie laughed. They separated and called Sarah down to dinner, the three of them having a lovely time as always, chatting and exchanging stories. Nick and Charlie went to bed early, taking advantage of the somewhat removed location of the room to make good on Charlie’s promise to treat Nick to some hand-based pleasure.
In the afterglow of their orgasms and with his head laying on Charlie’s chest, Nick sighed happily. They’d have two days apart with Charlie in London, the first that they’d spend apart in nearly two weeks. The respite in Leeds had meant that they hadn’t been interrupted in their time together, and Nick grinned to himself as he counted. Twenty three nights. Twenty three nights of being with the person who made him feel happier than he had ever felt before. Nick’s eyes were closed as he waited for sleep to draw him in. He’d never felt so content, wrapped in perfection, his whole life feeling like a warm blanket.
-
It was the next day that the world fell apart.
Nick should have expected it, honestly. They had months of things falling neatly into place, tiny coincidences and happenstances that had led to four months together, one of those months the beautiful, sparkling one when they had been properly together. It made sense that when it all disappeared like a wisp smoke, it was a confluence of chance, too.
Nick got the call late Monday morning, around lunchtime the day Charlie had left to go back to London. He had looked down at his phone, surprised to see Coach Croft calling. Nick had answered with a tone of expectation, though he hadn’t been expecting a call today.
“Nick, it’s Croft,” said Coach, and Nick in his stupidity and naivete, had smiled at that.
“Yes, Coach,” Nick said with a laugh. “Nice win Saturday.”
“Yeah, the boys played well,” said Coach in a clipped tone, not sounding at all like himself. “Nick - I hate to call with this news, but Arthur had a heart attack last night. He’s all right,” Croft hurried to say, and Nick’s immediately racing heart settled, just barely. Arthur was the retiring assistant coach whose position Nick was taking next season.
“He’s…he’s really - what happened? He’s okay?”
“Truly, he’s all right,” said Croft in the way that he had, the one that could calm a jittery team at half-time during a match. “They discovered a partially blocked artery and put in a stent, and he’s already coming out of hospital tomorrow.”
“That’s great,” said Nick, meaning it. Arthur was a beast of a man, a towering presence that belied his kind personality. Nick had always liked him as a coach.
“It is,” agreed Coach. “They told his wife that he’ll be right and they’re not worried about any long term effects, though he’ll have to change up his eating a bit.” That made Nick grin at least a small bit; Arthur was famous for his bacon-and-cream heavy meals at all times of the day. “But they recommended heavily that he rest and recover for several months, which I completely agree with.”
“Yeah,” said Nick mindlessly, still not fully parsing what was happening. “That makes sense.”
“That means he’ll be out for the rest of the season,” said Croft. “We need an assistant coach, straight away. I know you mentioned at the Sale match that your mum is back or is coming back soon, is that right?”
“Yeah,” said Nick. His heart quickened, his racing mind starting to settle and firm up into understanding, cold steel at the centre of it. “She came back this last Thursday, actually.”
“I hope she’s well,” Coach said. “She’s always been an unofficial part of the Badgers.” Nick felt some absent fondness at that, but the coldness in his brain was trickling down to his belly, some blossoming, thorny realisation spreading over his body. “We’d like you to come back,” Croft said, voice serious. “This week, if you can. We need someone on as soon as possible, and I know all of the lads would appreciate it being you.“
Nick couldn’t respond right away. His tongue felt stuck to his mouth. “Do they know…?”
“The players? Not yet,” confirmed Coach. “Art asked for me to wait to tell them until after the weekend, so I respected that, though I wanted to tell them sooner.”
“Right,” said Nick stupidly, not even really hearing the words he was saying.
“So, with your mum back, would you be able to make it work and come back?” asked Coach, in his trademark, direct way.
Nick swallowed; it felt impossible. “I, uh-”
“Take a day, yeah? Chat with your mum, see what’s possible. If you can let me know by end of day tomorrow, I’d love to be able to give the lads a heads’ up and get the paperwork started on our end.”
“I - yeah, I will,” said Nick, his voice quiet and low. He barely recognised it. “I’ll let you know by the end of the day tomorrow.”
“Thanks, Nick,” said Croft. “Be well, yeah?”
“You too,” echoed Nick robotically. He hung up and stared at the black screen of his phone before shoving it back in his pocket, a maelstrom of emotions heaving in his chest. He had missed the Badgers so badly, for so long. For the first four months that he was at Lavender Fields, it was all he thought about. He’d thought about going back to Leeds, being back with his team. Back with the people who made him feel at home. Rugby was what he was meant to do. It was who he was. It was his life. It was him. Lavender Fields was incredible and a worthy investment of time, but largely because it helped his mum. This - the Badgers, leading a team - this was what he was meant to do, and Nick had looked forward to going back for months. It was an ache that he had felt in his whole body since he had left, and he couldn’t wait to return to what he knew filled a missing piece of him.
That was until he met Charlie Spring.
Now, Nick’s heart twisted, thinking of not seeing Charlie every day. He knew he needed to go back to Leeds. This was his…his home. Leeds was home. The Badgers and rugby were a part of who he was. The fact that Sarah was back nearly cemented it; there was someone here already who would be able to take care of Lavender Fields, not even a hitch in the process. Still, he hadn’t been able to say an immediate yes to Coach Croft on the phone. Three months ago, he would have returned in a heartbeat if he felt like Lavender Fields was covered and his mum had gotten enough of a break. Now there was…there was something else to consider. Someone else to consider.
Nick felt a buzz in his pocket and pulled his phone back out. His hands were shaking as he opened his thread with Charlie, scrolling absently through all of the messages between them, the ♥️s and laughing reactions and sweet, kind words that had flowed from one phone to another. Nick held his thumbs over the keyboard, trying to think of what to say.
I’m being asked to go back to Leeds for the Badgers; what do you think? Absolutely not. He was not going to put this on Charlie. That was so unfair to make Charlie feel like he had to decide what he thought before Nick even knew what he thought himself.
The Badgers need a coach ASAP and they’ve asked me to come back. No - a bald, blank statement like that would cause anyone to seize with anxiety. What would Charlie think he was supposed to respond to that? Some reassurance? Some platitude like, “Well, we knew this was coming at some point?”
Hey, can we talk later? Sure, Nick would send that. If he wanted there to be a second heart attack in three days. There was no way he was going to send that.
Nick was still staring at his phone when it rang, startling him so much that he yelped and batted the phone into the air, his nerves clearly frayed. He snatched his phone back up from where it had fallen and saw it was Charlie calling. At noon on a Monday. Nick’s already-aching heart squeezed with alarm in his chest as he answered the phone.
“Char?” Nick tried to disguise the anxiety in his voice, but he guessed that he was wildly unsuccessful, the strain of the Badgers ask and Charlie calling in the middle of a workday combining to render him a seething, nervy mess.
“Hey,” said Charlie, his voice choked, and Nick felt the panic in his chest rise into his throat now, the emotion wrapping a hand around his neck and squeezing.
“Charlie - are you okay? What’s-”
“It’s the fucking new president,” Charlie burst out, clearly sounding like he was fighting back tears. “We have this new president at the publishing company and we just had this meeting today. He said he’d disallowing any remote work for anyone - for fucking anyone. He gave all this bullshit about camaraderie and teamwork but it’s all just corporate fucking nonsense because they’re paying for our office rental and I think using this as an excuse to lay off people who won’t come back and…” he broke off and Nick’s heart broke along with the words. God, he wanted to wrap himself with Charlie. Nick didn’t know if he wanted to comfort Charlie or be comforted by Charlie more. All Nick knew was that he wanted his anchor, who was devastatingly far away.
“Oh, god, Char…”
“I know,” said Charlie, sniffling, and Nick closed his eyes against the burn of tears in his own eyes. “He said it’s a ‘trial’ for the next month, so who knows, maybe it’ll change after that, or maybe enough people will protest, but I don’t know…”
Nick tightened his hand around his phone. He felt staggered, like he’d received a heavy tackle that had crushed the air from his lungs. An hour ago, he’d been smiling, doing chores and thinking of Charlie. Assuming that the perfect, gentle bubble that they were in was a forever thing. Their forever thing. Nick realised how wild that was - they knew it was going to be over sometime. It should have been over once Charlie’s stay was done. It should have been over when Charlie’s flat was ready. It could have been over when the woodworms turned out to be fake, but Charlie had decided to stay. They knew that there had been an end date to this thing that they had, the perfect fragile weeks they’d had that felt like a held breath. Nick had just somehow conveniently forgotten that. Or maybe he had ignored it, not wanting to face real life.
Nick heaved a sigh. “I…fuck, Charlie. I got some news today, too. Like, just a minute ago.”
There was a pause from Charlie’s end of the line before Charlie laughed, a bitter humourless note. “From your tone it sounds like it was equally good?”
“Yeah - I mean…no? I don’t know.” Nick really didn’t. He’d never expected the happy return he was planning with the Badgers would be coated with this dark edge, this biting grief. “One of our coaches, the guy I’m replacing? He had a heart attack over the weekend…” Nick told Charlie the rest of it, which didn’t take long. Charlie expressed sympathy for Nick, Arthur, and the team, and listened while Nick spoke. “So…yeah. They want me back. If I can manage it.”
“Yeah,” said Charlie, the word a quiet, forlorn sound through the phone. “I guess…I guess in a way this makes it easier for both of us, huh.” It was a question, but Charlie said it flatly, the words grinding against Nick’s heart.
“It… god,” said Nick, feeling the crushing weight of reality on him. Charlie was right. It made the decision easier in a way, or at least made it not a decision. Nick had been at Lavender Fields for his mum, to help her out and let her have a break. She was back now, and eager to get back to work. In fact, she’d essentially driven him out of the kitchen the past few mornings, eager to get back into the swing of things. He’d come for Sarah, but he’d been tempted to stay for Charlie. This…made it simpler. They both had to leave. Charlie had to go back to London, where his life was. Nick was going back to Leeds, where his life was. Everything was as it should be, and it was terrible. “I guess…yeah,” Nick said, finishing lamely.
Charlie gave half a laugh that might have been a sob. “Great start to a Monday, huh?”
Nick laughed hollowly. The happy warmth in his chest had burst, leaving only a heavy emptiness. “It almost makes me miss the woodworms.”
Charlie gave a sniffly laugh. “Want to help me put woodworms in the new president’s office?”
“No, we can do better than that,” said Nick. “When Amy’s old boyfriend Caden cheated on her, Seamus and Danny hid prawns in his flat when they moved her stuff out. I want this guy to suffer.”
“Me too,” said Charlie with a tiny hint of a sad smile in his voice, and Nick almost felt a sense of normalcy, even for a minute. They were still them. “Prawns are good. Maybe we should go with something dairy based for novelty’s sake.”
“Roquefort-crusted tilapia?” Nick said, and Charlie gave another sad half-laugh.
“You’re good at this,” said Charlie, then sighed. “God, Nick.”
“I know.”
“I’m going to…” Charlie’s voice broke and Nick fought the urge to howl, the impending sense of grief already trying to burst out of his chest.
“I’m going to miss you so much,” said Nick, his voice catching.
“Me too,” said Charlie, voice choked. “We’re not going to…” he trailed off, his tone rising up into an unasked question.
It took Nick a minute, not putting it together. “Going to what, Char?” he asked, eyebrows furrowed as he stared at the floor, gripping his phone like a lifeline.
“To…break up?” Charlie’s voice was small.
Nick’s stomach dropped, cold flooding his body. “No,” he said emphatically. “I don’t want…do you want to break up?”
“No, god, definitely not,” said Charlie in a rush and Nick sagged against the wall in relief. In all of the upheaval and worry of the morning, he hadn’t even considered that, and was terrified when Charlie even said those words.
“Oh,” said Nick, breathing heavily into the phone. “Good. Okay. God, no. Charlie, I don’t want to break up. My life…” he trailed off, grasping to try to find the right words. “My life is way better because I met you.” Charlie sniffled on the other end of the line and Nick went on, the words pouring out of him. That even momentary terror of the idea of breaking up had rattled him. “I mean - if you thought it would be too hard in different places, like, I get that, and I hate the idea of us being apart,” he rambled. “But you are the kindest, most thoughtful and caring and amazing person in the whole world. I…I don’t want us to break up, Charlie. I want us to be together. We’ll figure it out.” He didn’t mean for that last part to come out as a plea.
“I don’t either, Nick, truly,” said Charlie. “I don’t want to break up. You’re right, we’ll figure it out.”
“We won’t break up,” said Nick firmly. “And yeah. We’ll figure this out together, right?”
“I know,” said Charlie quietly, and Nick’s heart swelled. He imagined how different this conversation would have been even a few months ago, when Charlie was still steeped in the swirl of cruelty that B. Hope had left behind. This Charlie seemed to know more of what he deserved. This Charlie seemed to know how Nick felt about him. Which was…god, Nick felt so strongly about Charlie. “We’ll…we’ll do distance, yeah?”
“Yeah,” agreed Nick. “We have matches in London fairly often, there are three teams there.”
“That’s good,” said Charlie, his dulled enthusiasm mirroring Nick’s. It was something, but it wasn't enough. Anything short of everything with Charlie wasn’t enough.
“And maybe…maybe some of the matches closer to London, too, yeah?”
“Northampton isn’t too far,” said Charlie, voice sounding far away, like he was looking at his phone. Nick’s throat ached when he realised Charlie was looking up Premiership rugby stadiums to see which were the closest to London, within a quick drive. They spoke for a bit longer, grimly making plans and figuring out a few logistics, like Charlie coming to get his stuff. As for seeing each other after that, Danny’s birthday was in February in just a few weeks and would line up with one of their London matches, so they at least had that to hold onto tightly.
A small part of Nick’s mind also thought of the summer, and the two months off that he had each year for it. Nick’s battered heart leapt a little at that thought; that maybe they could have that brightness to look forward to in all of this gloom. Nick knew that he couldn’t ask about that now, though. He couldn’t ask about planning something like right now - not when they’d spent only 23 nights together. 5 weeks, 23 nights. Charlie had been engaged four months ago, and Nick was a tiny, opening sentence in Charlie’s biography so far. It was too presumptuous, too pushy, too soon. Nick didn’t want to be too much. There it was again, the words pressing on his brain from all sides.
Too much.
Too soon, pushing too hard, too clingy. Too needy, too emotional, too overwhelming. Nick had internalised long ago that he could be too many “too” things, accusations and exasperations from former partners, some friends. His brother, his dad. Marla. His uni girlfriend. He didn’t want to be too much for Charlie. He didn’t want to push too hard and end up pushing Charlie away. So Nick kept that thought about summer for himself tucked away in his mind, a hope flickering in his heart. They could have the whole summer. Maybe they could even come back to Lavender Fields.
Nick and Charlie spoke for a half an hour until Charlie sighed and said he had to get back to work, his lunch hour nearly over. Charlie would come down tomorrow night, Tuesday night, to get his things. He’d need to leave early on Wednesday to get back in time for work, but they’d have one more night together before Charlie went back to London and Nick went home to Leeds - as long as Sarah was amenable to taking Lavender Fields back over, at least. The future stretched before them like a terrifyingly black unknown, a timeline with only small colourful bursts where Nick would get to spend time with Charlie again. For the rest of the day and all that long night, Nick clung to the shred of comfort, that they’d have one more night together before their world together at Lavender Fields ended. One more night with Charlie. One more night with the incredible man who made his heart ache when he thought about him, the distance between Leeds and London feeling like a universe apart.
At least he had one more night with Charlie.
-
Sarah had been wonderful about it all, because of course she had. She had clearly been sad to see Nick go, but she didn’t say anything that would make Nick feel worse than he already did after he explained everything. He knew that she was probably terribly disappointed that they wouldn’t have several months together at Lavender Fields like they’d both thought, and also knew that she was likely putting in a Herculean effort to not express that in an attempt to reduce Nick’s guilt.
“Of course I’m ready to take over again, darling,” Sarah said, her eyes warm but looking worried as she gazed at Nick. “Honestly, you gave me such a gift with this break from the inn and I’m honestly itching a bit to get back to work.”
“Are you sure?” Nick pressed, worried that she was acquiescing rather than truly wanting to start working again. He knew now how intense the work was and how tiring it could be.
“I promise, Nicky, I wouldn’t lie to you,” she said, fondly brushing a strand of hair away from his eyes like he was a child again. “But…” she hesitated. “How do you feel about it?”
“About going back to the Badgers?”
“Yes, that. And - I know that you’ve gotten to spend a lot of time with Charlie.” Nick’s heart hurt at her saying Charlie’s name so casually and familiarly, like he had always been a part of their lives. “I can’t imagine that it will be easy to be in two different cities when you’ve been able to spend so much time together.”
“I - yeah,” said Nick miserably. He’d thought about it nonstop since the calls from Coach Croft and then from Charlie, hoping that the anticipation of being parted wasn’t as bad as the reality would actually be. He didn’t think those hopes would pan out. “I really…it’s going to be hard,” he said, his voice quiet. “I’ve really gotten used to always being together.”
“I know how that feels, darling,” said Sarah, putting her hand over Nick’s and looking at him with brimming eyes. “I know how that feels. When you and David each left after school, it felt like my world was falling apart.” She gently squeezed his hand. “But remember, darling, that change doesn’t mean that things are over. It just means that you connect in different ways. You two are so lovely with how you speak to each other already; I know you can continue to make each other feel important from afar, too. Though I know it will be hard. I know that, darling, and I am so sorry for that part of all of this.”
Nick swallowed and felt his mouth trembling. He closed his eyes, trying to collect himself, though he didn’t have a response for that. Instead, he just stood there until his mum got up and hugged him, holding Nick close. He squeezed his eyes shut and let the feelings surge inside of him, the tears finally spilling over. Nick could let himself go now, in the safety of his mum’s arms.
He let himself cry for a few minutes, hitching breaths that he tried to suppress and smooth out. As he calmed a bit, he rested his cheek on top of his mum’s head and gazed out the window towards the fallow lavender fields.
The colours were muted and dull and Nick thought about the idea of flowers in general. People would plant flowers, and then spend all year waiting for the flowers to bloom. When they finally did, it was life-altering. The petals would be brilliant, their hues and brightness changing the entire perspective for the world, even though it would be temporary. Then they’d wither again, retreating into the same grinding, grey reality. Flowers felt a bit pointless at the moment - the idea of a rich vibrancy that would slowly fade into a memory as time passed and winter came. Nick closed his eyes again and stayed in his mum’s arms for a long time.
-
It was bittersweet when Charlie got there the next evening. Nick had packed all day, planning to head out around the same time as Charlie. He thought it might be too painful to linger when Charlie’s memory haunted every corner of Lavender Fields; reminders that Nick didn’t think he could stomach. Nick heard the Golf coming up the drive and went to meet Charlie at the door of his car, the two of them opening their arms and holding each other close without saying a word. When they separated, teary-eyed, Nick realised with a hollow sinking feeling that Charlie hadn’t brought a bag to take in with him this time. He’d be leaving in less than ten hours. He was taking things away this time, not bringing anything to stay.
As they went into the house, Nick felt like every movement of his body was slow, every muscle dragging and protesting the passage of time that brought their separation closer. Sarah gave Charlie a tight hug and Nick teared up again watching the two of them embrace. They all ate dinner together one more time, Nick and Charlie’s chairs nearly bumping against each others’, drawn close together. They both ate awkwardly, Nick refusing to drop Charlie’s hand, each of them determinedly eating with their one free hand.
Sarah gave Charlie another long hug before Nick and Charlie went into their room - no, not their room. The room where they had been staying. They’d be getting up around 5 so Charlie had time to drop his things off at his flat before going into the office after the drive back to London. They put on music as they packed up Charlie’s things. Nick felt like every article of clothing he neatly folded and put in Charlie’s bags was like hammering a piece onto the ships that were going to carry Charlie and him away.
It was nearly eleven by the time they got into bed, neither of them in a sexual mood at all. Instead, they clung to one another as tightly as they ever had before, Nick trying to feel every inch of Charlie’s skin on his that he could. Nick was on his back, Charlie laying partially on his side and on top of Nick. One of Charlie’s legs was between Nick’s, their arms entwined tightly around each other’s bodies. They were both fully naked, bodies pressed as close as they could get them.
They lay there, quiet and not talking for a moment. The peaceful sounds of Lavender Fields at night were the only noise, the soft sighs of a house settling, comfortable on its bones. If the windows had been open, they’d have also heard the soft rush of the breeze through the trees, the murmurs and calls of insects and birds. All of the sounds Nick had gotten so accustomed to over the last seven months. Charlie and Nick had finished all their tasks, checked off every box, even loaded everything but a toothbrush and a change of clothes into Charlie’s car so that they could make tomorrow morning as easy as possible. Nick had already packed his, too, everything set for the following morning. In the stillness, Nick’s fingers gripped Charlie as tightly as he could, Charlie’s hands twining into Nick’s hair like he never wanted to let go.
“I can’t believe I’m leaving Lavender Fields,” said Charlie softly, and Nick felt physical pain in his heart. He couldn’t believe it, either. “I thought I was going to be here for a week.”
“I know,” said Nick, his voice gravelly. He swallowed. “I remember when you got here. I remember seeing you come in and just being, like…awed by you.”
“Awed?” asked Charlie, turning his head slightly towards Nick. “What do you mean?”
“It was…” Nick shook his head a little as he struggled to get the words together. “I mean, at that point, I assumed I was straight. You came in and I remember thinking how incredibly blue your eyes were. I was so, like, struck by them. And you. That first night, I couldn’t stop thinking about you after you went to your room. I was worried about you, or, like, worried about how you were doing with everything, but I kept thinking about you, too.”
Charlie gave a sniffling half-chuckle. “Well, I kept thinking that I was totally fucked. I was coming off of the worst thing I could have ever imagined in terms of my romantic life and then happened to come to the inn with the hottest innkeeper imaginable.”
Nick smiled in the darkness, though his smile was small. “There were so many moments, Charlie. There were so many moments that I would look at you and just be awed by you. Like…watching you play the drums. Watching you meet my group of friends and just totally fit in. Having you give me shit for my incredible jokes, which is one hundred percent an aspersion on your character and should not have made me as smitten as I was.”
Nick could hear the smile in Charlie’s voice now, too. “Smitten?”
“Smitten,” Nick confirmed with a grin. “But I thought it was, like, friendship. Admiration.” He gave a soft laugh. “Then I realised that most heterosexual lads probably don’t spend that much time staring at their mate’s hands, wanting to hold them.”
“You wanted to hold my hand?”
“For weeks,” Nick said, lacing his fingers in Charlie’s now. “When we finally did - it was like…I had realised already that I was not straight. I’m not even sure if I had fully settled on bi as a label for myself at that point - but when we did, I felt…” he trailed off. “I felt like I had never felt before in my entire life,” Nick said, hearing and feeling the emotion in his voice.
“Nick,” said Charlie, his voice quavering. He pulled himself closer somehow and moved his head so their cheeks were close together, faces within centimetres. Charlie took a few shaky breaths. “When we kissed…it was like everything I had ever wanted in life. You…I didn’t know that someone like you could exist. Someone so caring and thoughtful and kind and interesting. And fit as fuck.” Nick laughed quietly. “When we kissed, it was like…it was like every single want in my life - every single thing I had hoped for and wanted and dreamed about - it was right there. It was like a dream becoming real all at once.” He took a shuddery breath. “I kept waiting for you to realise that you could do better, or-” Charlie shook his head to stop Nick’s protest. “I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like, for me to have to go back or for you to realise that you wanted to explore your sexuality more without being locked down to someone. To me,” Charlie said quietly, and Nick squeezed Charlie closer to his body to refute Charlie’s words silently.
“This has been the best month of my life, ever,” continued Charlie. “Even before that, even before we kissed - it’s been the best stretch of my life, ever.” He touched Nick’s face gently, and Nick felt the tears that he felt like he had been stemming all day start to flow. “There’s a lot of reasons behind that,” Charlie said softly. “I feel better about myself. I’m taking care of myself and nurturing my relationships with my friends even better than I was when I was in London, when I was with Ben. There’s a lot of reasons,” he repeated. “But Nick…” Charlie let out a long, shuddering breath. “It’s because of you.” Now, Nick fought to keep himself together at all, breath coming out in jerky bursts as the sobs tried to burst out of him. “Even though it’s going to be distance now, I’m so, so grateful we got to have the time here that we did.”
Nick needed a few moments to compose himself, turning on his side and hooking his leg over Charlie’s hip to pull their bodies flush with one another. He let the tears flow freely, not fighting it any more, Charlie’s soft cries mixing with his. “I am, too,” Nick said finally, his brain not able to pull together the right words that would tell Charlie all he meant to him. “I’m so grateful, Charlie.”
There was a long stretch of silence before Charlie spoke again, and when he did, his voice was trembling. “I don’t want to say goodbye tomorrow.”
Nick’s throat closed back up, the emotions choking him. He squeezed his eyes shut, a few last tears trickling out. “Let’s not say goodbye, then,” he said, the words trembling. “Let’s just say goodnight instead.”
Charlie took a sharp inhale and let out a shaky, long exhale. “Goodnight, Nick,” he said, voice quavering.
“Goodnight, Charlie,” Nick said back, equally unsteady.
They held each other all night. Nick didn’t think he slept for a minute that night, his entire conscience focused on pulling Charlie closer, keeping their bodies touching. He didn’t want to miss a second of Charlie’s body on his, Charlie warm underneath his hands. God, Nick would miss this so much. He knew they were seeing each other in just under three weeks, but that felt unimaginably long, especially without an end point in sight where they’d return to this same cosiness.
Nick knew that he and Charlie had gotten to live in a bubble, one of absolute private magic for the two of them. They’d gotten to fall for each other in this lovely place, away from the cruelty and greyness of the world, surrounded by vibrancy and warmth. Maybe some small part of Nick had been aware that they were on borrowed time, but he’d never fully accepted that some day it would have ended. He certainly hadn’t expected the bubble of Lavender Fields to be pierced so suddenly and so cruelly, the shimmering opalescent disappearing in what seemed to be a moment. Now they stood on the edge of a new and unknown world, one that felt colder and indifferent. But, Nick thought desperately, as he vainly searched for sleep, at least they were standing there together.
-
The following morning felt like a dream, a cloudy reality of muddled, dulled memories. Nick and Charlie got out of bed, unrested and downcast. Nick’s eyes burned when he automatically made the coffee when they went downstairs, accepting his mug from Charlie with slightly trembling hands. They visited the cows together, standing close to each other and murmuring soft things to Henry and Nellie and each other. They leaned against Nellie’s flank together, pressed together and against her in a furry, warm mass until Charlie’s alarm sounded, letting him know he had to get on the road.
Sarah came out to say goodbye to both of them, long clinging hugs that left everyone emotional again. She stepped back to the porch as Charlie and Nick walked down the drive, dropping their joined hands to hold each other close before they got to their cars.
“I’m going to miss you so much,” whispered Nick, almost too exhausted by emotion to even tear up again.
“Me too,” said Charlie, sounding the same.
“I’ll see you in London in a few weekends,” said Nick. He couldn't wait, and it didn’t feel like enough. A lifetime with Charlie even didn’t feel like enough.
“Facetime tonight?” asked Charlie, voice cracking and rough.
“Yeah,” said Nick, pulling him close. They separated enough for a quick kiss. “Let me know when you get to London.”
“Do the same with Leeds,” Charlie said. He touched Nick’s cheek and Nick surged forward to hold him again. He felt Charlie’s hands press against his back, pulling them close, and then they released each other once more, one final kiss.
They both got into their cars. Charlie backed out first, and Nick let him pull out of the drive and get a bit down the road so he didn’t have to have the pain of following Charlie on the road until their cars diverged. Nick’s eyes burned as he backed out of Lavender Fields, his mum still looking at him worriedly from the porch, arms crossed tightly against the cold. He didn’t look at her again; he knew if he did he’d fully break down. He paused before shifting into drive, his eyes casting over the fields one last time. He’d been there seven months, three of them alone. Four with Charlie, the most incredible period of his life he’d ever had. And now he was leaving, driving away for who knew how long, away from the house, the farm, the life, and the man that had all become the centre of Nick’s life.
The lavender hadn’t even bloomed yet.