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Chapter Text

An F. Steve got an F on his essay. 

Of course, Steve is no stranger to getting poor grades on his essays. He’s been doing that for years but he thought a Philosophy class would be much easier. The essay was an opinion piece, you can’t even be wrong on an opinion piece! 

Steve doesn’t get it. 

“Mrs. Berk, I need some help in this class. I’m not sure what I even did wrong in this essay!” Steve said. 

His teacher, Mrs. Berk, rolls her eyes behind her cat-eye framed glasses and taps her long nails on her desk. “Steven, you have no solid opinions here. Everything is a statement with no reasoning. You need to back up your opinions, tell me why you think these things. You also need to use what you’ve learned in this class and tell me how those ideas relate to life. You have a complete lack of philosophical thinking,” She said. 

Steve sits there, mouth agape. 

That was a lot more input than I was expecting.

“Um…okay. How do I gain a – a philosophical thinking?” Steve said, eyebrows pinching up in confusion. 

What does she want from me? Am I just supposed to become…one of those philosophy guys? 

“You have to take in what you’re learning. I want you to actually think about what these people are saying and form your own opinions on it. Just think, Steven, that’s all I ask,” she said.

Steve walked out of the classroom with his face scrunched up in thought. What does she mean ‘just think.’ 

I’m pretty sure I’ve been thinking most of my life, how am I doing that wrong? Am I doing it wrong? Wait, how long have I been thinking for? I guess always but I don’t remember most of it. Wait…is this philosophical thinking? I’m thinking about thinking so that’s gotta be something. Maybe I just need to make it even more philosophical, like think about…death and stuff. I could get a tutor! Nancy always suggested that. Alright, a tutor, I can do that…but who? 

Steve waded through the halls of Hawkins High trapped in his head and trying to solve his problems. He walked without seeing, brushing the shoulders of passing students he doesn’t even know the names of. 

Half of that class is girls and if I ask them they’re gonna think I’m trying to pick them up. Not like…in a conceited way, obviously not every girl wants to date me but I have a reputation, okay? They’ll assume what they want. Okay, so no girl tutors, that’s fine. The guys. Well, my reputation continues to defeat me. Three of the four guys in my class are gonna assume I’m talking in code about throwing some rager, which, no thanks. That just leaves-

Eddie Munson.

Eddie Munson is a freak. Or…at least that’s what Steve’s heard. Maybe if he wants to start thinking philosophically he should stop taking every Hawkins rumor as fact. 

Eddie Munson is a metalhead who’s taking philosophy for his second senior year. He spends half of class time doodling in the margins of his notes but Steve sits behind him so he sees the A’s on his papers. He’s smart, he won’t think Steve is trying to ask him out or invite him to a party – for obvious reasons – he’s perfect. 

So it’s decided. Eddie Munson is gonna tutor Steve in philosophy. 

***

“Why, in God’s name, would I want to tutor Steve Harrington in philosophy?” Eddie said. Dramatic as always, he put an emphasis on the words ‘God’ and ‘Steve Harrington’ and ‘philosophy,’ so…basically most of the words.

“Uh…well you might- I mean I could…I could pay you?” Steve said. He had not considered that Eddie would likely not want to tutor him and hadn’t planned this far ahead. 

Eddie hesitated, “How much could you pay me?” 

“How much do you…want?” 

Eddie’s brow lifted in what seemed like amusement. “Okay, I can get with that idea but why not just ask someone else in the class, or your little girlfriend Nancy Wheeler?” Eddie said. 

“Well, for starters, me and Nance broke up so I’d rather not ask her.” Steve said with little emotion. It’s been a few months and at this point Steve’s accepted that they aren’t meant to be. It’s fine, she wants different things in life and, according to Mrs. Berk, Steve doesn’t even know how to think about life. “And as far as our classmates go, I’m afraid if I ask them they’re gonna assume I want something else from them.”

“What would you want from them?”

“Well, I still have that lady killer reputation so half of the girls are gonna think I’m trying to get in their pants. Which, I mean, they’re fine girls but I’m not doing that right now. I’ve also thrown like a million parties throughout high school so the guys are just gonna think I’m planning another.” 

Eddie nodded and sat in silence.

“I think I’m good, thanks Harrington.”

Steve’s eyebrows ruffle and he took a second to compose himself, Eddie was already heading away. 

“Wait, I thought I was getting somewhere? What just happened?” Steve asked. 

Eddie halted but didn't make a move to return, instead opting to merely raise his voice. “Money sounds nice and all but I just don’t feel like doing it…see ya.” 

Eddie turned and walked away leaving Steve frozen to the spot. 

I really should have planned that out…I really thought at least the money would work. What the hell am I supposed to do now?

***

Friday arrived and Steve still had no tutor. He’s pretty far from a tutor in fact because he’s at some random Hawkins teen’s party. 

He’s drunk. It’s a party, he’s Steve Harrington, it’s expected of him. Even by him. 

He stumbled his way to a bathroom, being sure not to dwell on the last time he was in a bathroom drunk at a party. He locked the door, not caring for the people who will inevitably need it later, and slid down the wall in front of the toilet.

“Um, excuse you, this mourning place is occupied.” 

Steve looked to his right where the voice came from and was eye to eye with…some girl with short hair and smeared makeup. She was clearly wasted, but he’s not one to judge. 

“Bur-banks-buck–” Steve began. Trying to recall her name in his drunken stupor isn’t helped much by his general disinterest in his peers. 

“Buckley. We had a class together dude! Robin Buckley.” She introduced herself. 

Steve almost stuck out his hand for a shake by habit but he figured that would be stupid given the circumstances. 

“Sorry, I'm not super conscious right now,” Steve said. 

“Don’t try and pretend you’d remember my name if you were stone cold sober and given multiple choice answers, Harrington,” Robin said, gesturing wildly with her right hand that was still holding a filled red solo cup. 

“Maybe not but I can recognize someone who needs-” Steve plucked the cup from her hand. “To be cut off for the night.” 

Robin whined like a child in her drunken stupor and reached for the cup, sliding all around inside the bathtub and not getting remotely close. 

“Yeah, you’re set on alcohol.” Steve brang the cup to his mouth, intending to get a sip when the smell wafted into his nose. “What the fuck is this, dude? Motor oil? You’re gonna kill yourself like this!” Steve opened the toilet and decisively emptied the cup into the bowl.

“No!” Robin exclaimed, drawing out the word.  

“You’re gonna thank me for that later.”

They sat in a comfortable silence for a bit. Steve leaned his head back against the wall and Robin slumped in an uncomfortable position in the bathtub, breathing a little heavily but ultimately fine. 

“What is Steve Harrington doing in a bathroom with a band geek at a party?” Robin asked. 

Steve shrugged, “Killing time. I’m actually really sick of parties but what else was I gonna do? What is a band geek doing at a party? Thought you guys didn’t do that.” 

“We do, on occasion, when allowed. I was invited by a girl in band who’s here with her boyfriend. Which I did not know when I accepted the invitation. Hence the drunk, and the tub.” Robin slumped further into the confines of the small tub. 

“Oh, so you got stuck third wheeling and got depressed? Been there, man.” Steve sighed, remembering a time when he was friends with Tommy and Carol. That was when he first got the lady killer title. You spend so long third wheeling with those horndogs and eventually you want someone with you too. 

“Yeah but like- I thought me and her had something starting, you know? Like she looks at me all the time and–” Robin froze in the tub and began searching the room wildly.

Steve startled and began looking around panicked as well, “What the fuck, what are you looking for?” 

“An escape.” 

“Why? You were in the middle of a sentence?” 

Robin settled for a second and stared hard at Steve’s face, studying him. Steve just furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

“I just came out to Steve, The King, The Hair, Harrington and you have no reaction?” Robin asked. 

Steve sat for a second. 

She came out to me? I literally don’t remember her saying that. Well…she said she thought the girl and her were starting something…oh wait…like flirting! Oh! Huh…

“Oh…well that’s fine? I mean, I was kinda just listening to your story. I didn't even think about it.” Steve shrugged. 

Robin let her head fall to her chest in a swift, harsh movement. “How did I just come out to you twice?” 

“I’ve been told I’m slow on the uptake. But I won’t tell anyone. Granted, I’m not sure who I’d tell right now.” 

Robin lifted her head up a bit and peeked over the edge of the tub to see the drunken sincerity that’s on Steve’s face. “Yeah…okay. At least if you’re lying there’s a good chance you might even forget this happened. Or you’ll forget my name again and won’t even know how to tell.” 

“Oh come on! I will remember your name!” Steve whined. 

“Next time you see me at school then. Say hi. With my name.” Robin said smugly, she was obviously confident he wouldn’t do this.

“I will. I’m gonna walk up and say, ‘why hello Robin Buckley’ and then you’ll be so surprised your jaw will drop and everyone will clap,” Steve said, waving his hands around. 

Robin stared at him blankly, “I’m confident none of that will happen.” 

“Okay, the rest was a joke but I will remember your name and say hi.” Steve exaggerated, pointing his finger at her with finality. 

“Alright, I believe you,” she said with a small laugh. 

Steve gasped, “Do you know anything about philosophy? I need a tutor.” 

Robin’s fiddling with the faucet of the tub, “Nope. Hey, do you think this water would taste okay?” 

“I would assume so, it’s just water, it all tastes the same.” 

“Water does not all taste the same! Are you crazy?” Robin screamed. 

Someone banged on the bathroom door.

“Occupied!” Robin shouted.

“Someone’s in here.” Steve said with her. 

“Yo, no fucking in the bathroom.” The person shouted, neither of them were sure who. 

Robin fake gagged immediately rolling in the tub in anguish. 

“We’re not!” Steve replied.

They sat for another second in silence but the knock didn't happen again. 

“I tried asking Eddie Munson to tutor me but he said no. I’m pretty much out of ideas.” Steve said, his eye caught the toilet paper next to the toilet and he immediately started messing with it. 

“You asked Eddie Munson to tutor you ?” Robin asked, astonished. 

“Well, yeah, he seems smart.” Steve rolled the toilet paper, liking the feel of it on his hands. 

“No, he is, my problem with it is that he would never want to tutor you.” She caught sight of what he was doing and smacked his hands until he stopped. “Dude, you’re messing up their toilet paper.” 

Steve whined much like Robin did earlier but stopped messing with the toilet paper. “But I need him to! If I don’t pass then I won’t be able to graduate and leave and then I’ll be stuck here!” 

Robin sits with that for a second which makes Steve look at her, confused. 

“Why don’t you just tell him that?” Robin offered simply. 

“Tell him that I’m afraid to fail and be in Hawkins another year?” 

“Yeah. If anyone’s gonna get that it’s Eddie.” 

Steve hummed thoughtfully but was interrupted by a weird jiggling of the door handle. Both him and Robin turn to it and watch inquisitively. The door stopped making noise before it quickly opened with a man crouching in front of it. 

“Hey, guys, no hanging out in the bathroom people have to use this shit.” 

Steve and Robin gasped in sync. 

“Eddie!” Steve said.

“Speak of the devil and he shall appear!” Robin exclaimed with a dramatic raise of her hands and an intoxicated giggle. 

“Oh, hey Buckley and…Harrington? Odd combo but whatever. You guys need to get out,” Eddie said.

Steve stood swiftly and Robin tried to get out of the tub clumsily, grasping for something to hold onto and repeatedly slipping back into the center, giggling the whole time. Steve laughed and grabbed her hands, helping her stand. Eddie just watched in confusion. 

“Wait, did you just pick the lock?” Robin asked excitedly once she stood on her own two feet again. Steve held her while she took the steps out of the tub.

“Why, yes I did. It’s one of the party services I offer. Drugs, lock picking, intimidation.” Eddie said, listing them off on his fingers. 

“I don’t care what they say, Eddie, you are a true businessman!” Robin said with a laugh. 

Robin was out of the tub safely and Steve let her go. They finally started to leave the bathroom with Eddie trailing behind them very clearly trying to keep a humored smile off of his face. 

“Oh my god, wait, Steve!” Robin said. 

Steve looked at her questioningly. 

“Ask him!”

Steve let out an understanding noise and turned to him. “Eddie! Can you please tutor me? I have a good reason I promise!” 

Eddie let out a sigh but gestured for him to go on. 

“So, I’m gonna fail, right? Like if I fail this class I’m gonna have to repeat my senior year. I really don’t want to do that. I need to get out of here like pronto. You get that, right? Robin said you’d get that.” Steve rambled on drunkenly. He could’ve given a far better speech sober. 

Eddie looked to think about it. Glancing between Steve, who looked hopeful with his big brown eyes, and Robin who looked to be doing an actual pleading face, hands clasped and all. “Alright. I’ll do it but you’re giving me minimum wage and we’re studying at your house.” 

Robin gasped and jumped up and down, grabbing onto Steve who quickly began jumping with her. 

“Yay, I told you it’d work!” Robin said. 

“I’m free Wednesday after school, I’ll follow you to your house so I know you’re not gonna bail on me and no funny business.” 

Robin snorted and muttered, “Funny business.” 

“Absolutely! Thank you, Eddie! I really appreciate it!” Steve said, surprising Eddie with the amount of thankfulness displayed. 

“Yeah, alright, now you two go back to the party or go home cause you guys are wasted,” Eddie said with finality, already walking away much like he did before. 

“Sir, yes sir!” Robin said with a salute which made Steve burst into a fit of giggles. Eddie just kept walking, shaking his head with a small smile on his face. 

***

When Wednesday came around, Eddie followed through on his word and met Steve at his locker, ready to follow him to his house.

“Harrington,” he said, leaning his head against the locker beside Steve’s open one. 

“Oh, hey! I’m all ready for tutoring and thanks again. I really appreciate you doing this.” Steve said, grabbing a notebook from his locker and shutting it behind him. 

“Yeah…” Eddie starts thoughtfully. “As you’ve said.” 

He sounds confused. Confused? Maybe surprised. I don’t know but he sounds weird. 

They walked together down the hallway in a strange and silent comradery. 

Oh, there’s Robin.

“Why, hello Robin Buckley.” Steve said dramatically as he paused beside her at her own locker. 

Robin turned to him and upon seeing that it’s Steve gave him an impressed look, “You actually remembered.” 

“Yep,” he said, proud. “I gotta get to tutoring with Munson, thanks by the way.” 

“Yeah…no problem,” Robin said. 

She sounds confused too. Why is everyone confused?

Robin and Eddie meet eyes over Steve and give surprised looks to one another. 

“Okay, I’ll meet you there,” Steve said, walking ahead and pushing past the doors of the school he headed to his car. 

***

They arrived at his house around the same time and Steve let them in. They decided to sit around the low coffee table in Steve’s living room and Eddie got his notebook out. It surprisingly had some notes alongside the doodles. 

“Okay, so first let’s start with what you already know, lay it on me, good sir!” Eddie said. 

Steve chuckled, “Okay, so there’s that one guy, Niche or something, the doom and gloom one!” he said with a snap of his fingers.

Eddie’s face is blank. “Nietzsche? The founder of nihilism, yeah. I mean, nihilism is a lot more doom and gloom than intended but we’ll get to that later. Okay, what else?” 

“Uh…communism,” Steve offered. 

“Jesus H. Christ,” Eddie said, sighing and dropping his head into his hands. 

“Come on, man! What did you expect? I said I got an F,” Steve said. 

“Yeah, I just hoped it’d be a little easier but it looks like I’ve got my work cut out for me. It’s fine. Once you know the basics you’ll be thinking like a true…thinker in no time!” 

“I appreciate the vote of faith,” Steve said. 

“So, for today we won’t do much. This was just to see where you’re at. I think what I want to do is focus on a different branch of philosophy each week. So, if you want, we could meet up on Mondays and I’ll introduce the branch and give you a rundown. Then meet again on, say, Saturdays, and you can tell me your thoughts on it? That is, if you’re willing to sacrifice some time from your precious weekend.” 

“Yeah, I can do that. Now that I’m not doing the whole dating thing my Saturdays are free so I don’t mind.” 

Eddie looks surprised, as if he didn’t really believe Steve the first time he said he wasn’t dating. Eddie quickly recovered and wiped the surprise away, though. “Alright, perfect, then I will see you Monday, King Steve.” 

Steve walked Eddie to the door and saw him out. Eddie looked at him strangely when he opened the door for the man but again quickly recovered. He tipped an imaginary hat to Steve and walked out the door, not looking back. 

Steve lingered. 

“Don’t call me King Steve by the way!” Steve said, shouting across the yard. 

“We’ll see!” Eddie said back just as loud. 

Steve chuckled and shut the door. He had a lot to think about.

Chapter Text

“Okay, you ready for your first lesson?” Eddie said, plopping himself down at Steve’s dining table. It was Monday and as Eddie promised they were getting ready for their first official study session.

“Yup, teach me to think!” Steve said, cracking open his composition book and clicking his pen. 

“So, for our first section we’re gonna talk about stoicism. It was founded by Zeno in Athens in 300 BCE, so like…really long ago. They focus on four virtues, LOGOS, and they see philosophy in physics, logic and ethics.” 

Steve stared blankly back at him. 

“We’ll start with the last thing,” Eddie said and Steve nodded. 

“So, philosophy is made of physics, logic and ethics. Logic is something you need to use for the rest. You have to think logically.”

Steve nodded. 

“Ethics is knowing what’s right, what’s ethical. Physics is understanding nature, the world, the universe! Get it?” Eddie asked.

“They all sound kind of similar…” Steve said softly. 

“Well, they kind of are. They work together, they all contribute to how you think. Um…do you have eggs?” Eddie says. 

Steve visibly startled, “Um…do I have– yeah I have eggs…”

Eddie hopped out of the chair and clambered over to Steve’s massive silver fridge. He pulled both doors open dramatically and was met with almost nothing. “Steve, where is your food?” Eddie says. 

“It’s in there…and the pantry, but mostly the pantry. The stuff kept going bad in the fridge. I only get the stuff I need now. Just tell me why you need eggs, dude.” 

Eddie looked consideringly at Steve. 

Did I say something weird?

“I just need one for a visual,” Eddie said, grabbing one egg and closing the fridge doors with a flourish and then sitting back in his seat. “Okay, so this egg is philosophy–” 

Steve snorted.

“Metaphorically, Harrington. Just listen. The shell is logic, the outermost part, surface level. Then inside, the white of the egg and the yolk. The white part is ethics, it’s the next part you consider in philosophy. Within it all is the yolk, the physics, it comes at the center of philosophy, it’s deep within everything,” Eddie released a large breath. “Get it?” 

“I think…so is logic or physics the most important? Like shell or yolk?” 

“That’s exactly it, big guy, it’s all the most important! Without the shell the things inside are all messy and shapeless, without the whites the yolk is like…different–I actually don’t know what the whites of eggs are for.” Eddie paused and thought. 

Steve looked at him, taking in the tightness of his brows as he thought, the twirling of the egg in his hand. 

“Anyways,” Eddie said loudly and Steve startled out of his staring. “Without the yolk it’s gonna be a totally different breakfast. It’s all part of the egg and without it it’s not an egg.” 

“Okay, got it. The whole egg is important.” Steve says. 

“Exactly, Steve, breakfast is the most important meal, you know,” Eddie tossed the egg between his hands before returning it to its spot in the fridge. 

Steve cringed and made a mental note to take that egg out later. 

“Okay, next topic of discussion, LOGOS. This part’s easy, basically it’s just the belief that life always has a cause and effect, and this creates a balance. There’s always gonna be this balance in life because of the cause and effect, we can’t control that. But we can control some things and those are the things they want you to focus on,” Eddie said. 

Steve nodded, “Like in basketball.” 

Eddie stared blankly.

Was that super dumb to say? Of course he thinks that’s stupid he hates basketball. Well…maybe he just doesn't know what I mean. 

“Like, in a game, I can’t control what the other team does or what the ref does but I can control how I play and how my team plays…like that?” Steve said. 

“Oh…yeah then I suppose life is a little like your laundry basket game. If that helps you remember, definitely hang on to that,” Eddie said. 

Steve smiled, that seemed like praise. 

“Last thing, what they want you to control, what they want you to live by; their four virtues. Those are courage, temperance, justice, and wisdom. This all boils down to; do what’s right, the right amount, in the right way, and learn the right things,” Eddie said, listing them off on his fingers. 

“That’s…a lot of ‘rights,’” Steve said. 

“Oh, for sure. Basically they think courage is having the guts to do what’s right, but then comes temperance, which is like moderation. There’s always a sweet spot, if you go around beating up every bad guy in the world then eventually someone’s gonna arrest you. But if you do it when you need to, when it’s right, and you don’t, say, beat them to death, then you’re set.”

Steve snickered.

“Justice is obvious, they want things to be just. Wisdom doesn’t necessarily mean be wise because really they want you to learn only the right things.” Eddie nodded, seemingly proud of his explanation. 

I wonder what Eddie’s grade in this class is…surely it must be high. It sounds like he knows what he’s talking about. He should really be the teacher, maybe then I’d actually be able to focus or learn something. Maybe he took the same class last year? I wonder why he had to take senior year again anyways, he seems smart, smarter than me at least. Well that’s probably not saying much, I mean–

“Harrington?” Eddie said. 

Steve looks up from his notes noticing he had been stuck in his head. 

“Do you get it?” Eddie said. 

“Oh! Yeah, I actually do, that’s what I was thinking about kind of.” Steve said. 

Eddie looked suspicious but nodded anyway. “Okay, so that can be it for today. Just try and apply it throughout the week. Get into deeper thinking, see how you do those things in real life, maybe question some of it. Saturday we can just chat about what you were thinking and I can point out what’d be good to talk about in an essay.” 

“Yeah, sounds good man,” Steve said, standing up and closing his notebook. 

Eddie stood with him and put his stuff in his bag. “Well, thanks for your hospitality, my liege. I hope my lesson helped.” 

Steve scoffed, “It did and you don’t have to thank me. You’re helping me a bunch. I really appreciate it.”

Eddie stilled at the front door and looked surprised. “No sweat, Harrington.” He looked at Steve long and hard and Steve just stared back in silence, not quite sure what the other man was thinking. Though, he wasn’t entirely sure what he was thinking himself. “I’ll see you later,” Eddie said, breaking their silence. 

Eddie walked out the door and Steve watched him leave, the bookbag on his one shoulder swinging as he walked with a sway. Steve kept watching the whole time, even as Eddie pulled out his keys and hopped in his van. He started it up and then he must’ve caught Steve in his peripheral vision because he looked back at the man. He seemed confused and that broke Steve out of whatever trance he was in. He looked down at his feet and backed up, closing the door. A few seconds later the sound of Eddie’s van engine died as he drove away.

***

Steve started Tuesday with the virtues. They seemed the simplest. 

Courage. I’d dare to say that I’m courageous. I mean, I helped the kids against Billy not that long ago. Granted, I got the shit beat out of me, but I tried. That’s courageous. 

Steve walked the halls of Hawkins and considered this. 

How courageous do they consider courageous?

“Hey, Steve.” 

Steve turned and caught Robin standing at her locker. He’s pleased that she actually wants to talk to him. Not many people have wanted to since he got in the fight with Billy. That’s when Tommy and Carol left. Billy was the new king and that’s what they did; followed the king.

“Oh, hey Buckley!” Steve said, making his way to stand beside her. 

“How did tutoring go with Eddie?” She asked, shoving her books into her locker and juggling her trumpet case in her arms. 

“Good. I’m really lost, he’s gonna be tutoring me for a while. Hopefully he won’t get sick of it and quit on me.” Steve said with a chuckle. 

Oh God, I really hope he doesn’t do that.

“Nah, Eddie commits to his promises. He also has a really high tolerance for dumbassery. He’s had to deal with it a lot.” She finally wrestles her books in and closes the door, it takes a struggle and her stuff is definitely going to come tumbling out the next time she opens it. 

“Yeah, that’s true…” Steve said, drifting into thought of his own dumbassery, as she put it, towards Eddie and really everyone. Nearly four years of being the king that everyone hated for being liked. Ironic. 

No wonder Eddie didn’t want to tutor me at first. I was probably awful to him. I was so obsessed with keeping the people I had around I did anything to anyone else…I never even liked the people who were around me. Why did I want to keep them around so bad? I wonder what the stoics would think of me. Justice. Would they want me to face justice? Do I have some kind of stoic karma coming for me? 

“Hey, dingus! Anyone there?” Robin said, waving a hand in front of his face. “Shoot, if you act like this in tutoring maybe he will leave.” 

“I try to pay attention, don’t worry. This is important to me. I just get distracted sometimes,” Steve said.

Robin nodded in understanding, “Yeah, I get that…” She seemed to take him in some more. Considering something. Steve wasn’t sure what. “You act differently than I expected.” 

“Is that good?” Steve asked. 

“Yeah…I think so. I gotta get to class, I’ll see you later, Steve.” Robin walked away with a considering glance and Steve went to his locker. 

Hm. I’m better than she expected. I wonder what the stoics think of forgiveness. Or redemption. Do you have to do the right thing your whole life? Is it okay to be behind? Maybe that’s a good thing to mention in tutoring! Like…would they think I’m okay? I haven’t always shown temperance, that’s obvious. I mean I used to drink a bunch at parties, and talk to a lot of girls...I don’t think that’s really what they meant though–

The bell rang and Steve jerked away from his locker. 

Oh. I guess I should go to class. A class I’m barely passing…so much for wisdom. 

***

On Wednesday he’s supposed to help Lucas with basketball. He wants to be on the team next year when he starts high school. Steve’s excited. He loves all of the kids but they’re all into their nerd stuff and he can’t really relate to that. This is what he knows. He can help. 

“Hey, Steve!” Lucas shouted from across the parking lot. The final bell had just rung and Steve was waiting outside his car, leaned against the door. Lucas jogged the rest of the way to meet him. 

“Hey, man,” Steve said with a pat on his shoulder. “You ready to shoot some hoops?” he asked. 

“Yeah, thanks for helping me with this.” Lucas hopped into the passenger seat and Steve popped open the door for the driver’s. Steve spotted Eddie across the parking lot near his van. He was lingering at the door, already staring back at Steve. He couldn’t read his face from this distance so Steve just waved happily. Eddie waved back and Steve opened the driver’s door and plopped into his seat. 

“You don’t have to thank me, kid, I’m excited. I can finally do some playing with one of you guys.” He grabbed Lucas’ head and shook it around lightly, he had a habit of doing that with all of them. 

Lucas just laughed and pushed him off. 

Steve’s house had a basketball hoop out front for them to use so they went there. Steve grabbed the ball from his garage and dribbled it over to Lucas, he was in front of the hoop practicing his movements. 

“All right, let’s go, Sinclair. Think you can handle a quick game against the king of Hawkins High?” 

Lucas scoffed and rolled his eyes, full of kindness though. “You still the king? Not sure, last I heard Hawkins was a losing team!” 

Steve threw the ball to him and Lucas caught it easily. Steve laughed. “Yeah, good smack talk, kid. Keep that up on the court.” 

Lucas smiled and shot the ball, it went straight through, swinging the net with the force but touching nothing else along the way. Steve smiled.

What does this kid even need help with? 

“That’s one already!” 

Steve shook himself out of his head and got into the game. They did a small versus, just shooting and dodging each other. It was a close game and Lucas was really good. The game had been Steve’s idea to see where his skills were already. See if there were any obvious things he needed to work on. 

There wasn’t. 

Steve called the game at a tie, they had been going for too long and they needed a break. Lucas agreed, huffing a breath. Steve retrieved two water bottles from his fridge and tossed one to Lucas. 

“So, did you actually need my help or did you just want to kick my ass at my own house?” 

Lucas laughed, “I do need your help…just not with my skills.” 

Steve screwed the lid back on his water bottle and turned to Lucas to listen. “What’s up?” 

“Well, I want to join the team next year but…a lot of the people who picked on us – Mike, Dustin, Will and I – are trying out too. And if we make it…then I’m gonna be in the same group as our bullies.” Lucas twisted the bottle in his hands. “I don’t think they’d pick on a team member and if I can get them to like me then maybe I can bring the guys with me.” 

Steve nodded. 

“But…I don’t know if Mike and Dustin want that. Obviously they don’t want to be picked on, but I don’t think they’d want a friend who’s in the same group as their bullies. If I get popular or something…will I change? Will they still want to be my friend?” 

Steve put a comforting hand on Lucas’ shoulder. 

“Popularity definitely has its effects, good and bad. I know that. But…you’re a good kid and you only have to change as much as you want to. If you don’t want to turn into a dick, then you won’t,” Steve said simply, tossing his own bottle between his hands. 

“Yeah. I don’t want to change. I just want to play basketball and maybe not suffer through high school. I’m just…what if they think I’ve changed?” 

Steve tilts his head in question and confusion. 

“What if they think the fact that I want to play basketball means I want to leave them? That I don’t like the nerdy stuff anymore?” Lucas asked, looking up at Steve. 

Steve hummed. “Why can’t you like both?” 

“I mean, I can. But what if they think that makes me less like them, like one of the party?” 

“They’d be stupid if they did,” Steve said with a shrug. “I mean, they know me, they like me and I’ve always played sports. Hell, I was a dick for most of my life.” 

Lucas laughed. 

“They know that I did that stuff and still manage to be nice now. If they know I’m still one of them  then they should definitely know you are.” Steve looks at Lucas with a soft smile. “You guys have been best friends, the party, since you were even smaller shits! They know you’re a good kid, they should know that’s not gonna change just because you want to play a game.” 

Lucas brightened a bit but was still unsure. “So, you don’t think they’ll make me choose?” 

“If they make you choose you tell me and I’ll smack some sense into them!” Steve said with a laugh and a smack to his own hand to demonstrate. 

“Yeah?” 

Steve gave Lucas’ head another soft shake with his hand, “Yeah, kid. If they’re good friends they’re not gonna make you choose. You shouldn’t have to all be little freaky carbon copies of each other to get along.” 

“Yeah…do you think I’ll fit in on the team? Do you think I’ll have to choose anyway?” 

“If you feel you have to choose, that’s fine, but only do it because of how you feel. Don’t limit yourself because the kids want to stay holed up in Mike’s basement for the rest of eternity.” 

Lucas snickered and twirled the water bottle more in his hands. “You may not be a genius–” 

Steve threw his hands up in mock offense and scoffed.

“But!” Lucas said, laughing. “You’re really wise.” 

Steve smiled softly. 

Wise…

“Anyone can shove their nose in a book and learn how to be smart but not everyone can just…talk and say the right thing.” Lucas smiled softly at him. There was something in his eyes. Something like pride. Steve saw it sneak into the children’s eyes sometimes and it always warmed him, made him feel like he was finally doing the right thing with them. 

“Well, it took me a lot of dumbass choices to get this wise.” 

Lucas snorted and pushed him, “We all make dumb choices, Steve. But you said it yourself, we choose how much we want to change. You chose to change yourself in all the right ways but you’re still you. You’re cool, man.” 

Steve’s cheeks heated, not used to compliments about his behavior, about his kindness. He smiled at his feet. “Thanks, Sinclair. For what it’s worth you’re already ten times cooler than I ever was at your age.” 

“Ten times zero is still zero.” 

“Oh, come o-shut up!” Steve laughed and shoved Lucas who rushed to shove him back. They got in a quick playful fight, light slapping and pushing but they were laughing so hard. It was just like having a brother, Steve imagined. Helping someone, having them look up to you, hoping you can help them. 

They calmed down and Lucas took a deep breath, crushed his water bottle in his hands. “Come on, let’s keep playing. I need to break this tie.” He stood up and grabbed the ball, bouncing it between his legs. 

“Oh, you’re on, Sinclair!”

That night, Steve laid in bed and thought more about the stoics. About what it meant to be wise. 

He called me wise. I assumed you had to be like…super smart to be wise. Like one of those old wizards in the stories. Maybe they’re wise because they’re old? But I’m not that old. I did say it was because I used to be stupid…so maybe all those old wizards are just wise cause they had so long to be dumb. That’s cool. I’m like a wizard! It takes time to know how to do the right thing…holy shit! That’s just like what they want! I was stupid, I chose to change. The right thing and the right amount…

I gotta write this down for Saturday. 

***

When Thursday came Steve was feeling better about his stoic standing. 

I can be wise. Even Lucas thinks so. I can be courageous. I can show temperance. I can even do the right thing. For a long time I didn’t do the right thing, stood by while people did the wrong thing, but I decided to change and wasn’t that the right thing to do? I suppose it matters when you do the right thing too. Should I have changed sooner? Am I doing the right thing the right way if it took me so long to even get there? 

Steve walked through the hallways. As always, no one really bothered him. Movement went on around him, voices chatted amongst themselves and Steve just was . He didn’t have friends anymore. Hadn’t for a while. When you fall from grace you kind of seem like a lost cause to many. Like he peaked already. Maybe he did. 

A loud bang rang out through the hallway and startled Steve, he stopped in his tracks and looked around. At the end of the hall was Tommy, he was without Carol and his new obsession, Billy, but he was picking on a kid. The kid looked young, a freshman likely, they were prime candidates for bullying. 

Steve rolled his eyes and continued walking. He tried to keep his eyes down, avoid the fights, just as he’d always done. 

Just as I’ve always done…

Maybe I should do something different then? I’ve changed but I still don’t want to do anything different? I feel bad all of the time for never standing up for people…people like Eddie. So why don’t I do it now? 

Steve came to a stop in the hall right beside where Tommy stood, shoving the kid against the lockers over and over. A few whispers picked up around them, likely curious as to what Steve would do. No one had seen Steve and Tommy talk the whole school year. They’d hardly even been this close. 

“Tommy,” Steve said. 

A hush fell over the hallway and Tommy stopped his movements slowly, releasing his grip on the young boy and allowing him to slide down the locker. Tommy turned slowly and raised an eyebrow. 

“Harrington…” he said. 

“Don’t you think you should give picking on kids a rest by now?” Steve asked. 

Shocked murmurs bounced off the walls and Tommy’s face quickly morphed between surprise and contempt. 

“Excuse me?” 

“I just think it’s a little sad that you’re about to graduate and you still have to find joy in beating up some freshman whose voice probably hasn’t even dropped yet. No offense, kid.” Steve said with a glance towards the freshman who just nodded with a thankful but fearful look. 

Tommy scoffed, obviously stumped for words and offended. The volume of the murmurs around them grew, anticipation of a fight long awaited rising. It wasn’t going to come though. Steve knew that. 

“Oh, shut up, Harrington. You’re just pissed cause you don’t have any fans anymore. You just want attention and now you have to play the hero to get it.” 

Steve startled slightly. 

Is that true? I don’t think I’m doing this for attention. I don’t really care what these people think. I just feel bad for this kid. Why should he have to get picked on because he’s small? But maybe there’s a bit of Steve left who likes the attention. Maybe there always will be.

“Eh, you could be right, Hagan. But at least I changed. You haven’t. I’m not sure you ever will.” A hush fell over the hall once again, it was becoming apparent a physical fight was not coming. “It’d be sad if you never changed. If one day you were forty and you were still some scared little boy deep inside who had to hurt people to feel good. I wonder if Carol would still even want to date you then.” Steve smiled, a bitchy smile he hadn’t worn in a while but one that was familiar. “Probably not. She’s already too good for you anyways. One day you’ll be alone too, so don’t get too comfortable.” 

The silence was thick in the room. The discomfort was palpable, no one knew what to do. Tommy got closer to Steve, faces in extreme proximity. “You don’t think I can beat your ass, Harrington?” 

“Maybe. But you won’t. I don’t think you should beat anyone else’s either though. You might want to avoid another scene like this anytime soon. Billy might start to catch on that you’re not as tough as you want to be.” Steve said, unphased. He stayed stoic, still, uncaring. The first rule of being a bitch was never letting the mask slip. You couldn’t be hurt. 

Tommy wasn’t as good at that. 

Tommy stood still, practically fuming, his freckled face a deep red. There was a silent agreement upon them to stop there. Steve moved aside and grabbed the freshman’s arm, pulling him from behind Tommy. The boy moved willingly to Steve’s side and stayed quiet. 

“Try and stay away from him a bit. If he bothers you, tell me,” Steve whispered. 

The freshman nodded silently a thankful look on his face as he scurried down the still hallway. Steve watched him go and took in the crowd. Everyone was surprised, confused, and baffled. Many faces were there but his gaze caught onto one near the other end of the hall, who the kid passed right by. 

Eddie Munson. 

His face was unreadable compared to the others. He watched the boy go too, with concern on his face. Eddie turned to look at Steve and their eyes caught. Tommy walked away pushing past Steve as he went but Steve didn’t pay him any attention. He just stared back at Eddie.

What is he thinking?

The bell rang, startling Steve once again, it seemed to happen a lot. He got caught in a moment or a thought and something or someone would stop him. His eyes had jerked around the hall but now they returned to where Eddie had been. Except he was gone. Steve left for his class feeling a little better about the justice he had served. 

It felt like the right thing. 

***

On Friday, the halls were calmer, not by much but they were. People glanced Steve’s way as he went but still didn’t say anything. It didn’t bother him. 

Steve reached his locker and opened it, intending to get his books when a piece of paper fluttered to the floor. 

It was small, torn at the edges likely out of a composition notebook. He unfolded it and looked around to see if anyone was watching. No one was so he read it.

Dear Steve,

I saw what you pulled in the hallway yesterday, it was pretty cool. It’s funny even though I’m the one teaching you philosophy I’m pretty sure you’re making me rethink my whole Munson Doctrine. No way the retired king of Hawkins sticks up for some random freshman but there it was happening before my very own eyes. It was interesting. Look forward to hearing your stoicism thoughts tomorrow. Keep thinking. 

P.S.

The stoics would call that the right thing. You helped someone and you didn’t even beat Tommy up (I personally would’ve supported that). It was brave, it was right, and you did it well. A true stoic in the halls of Hawkins. 

ALSO

P.S. stands for Philosophically Speaking starting now. Your small dose of philosophy to remind you it’s in everything we do. 

Philosophically Yours,

Eddie Munson.

Steve smiled and gave a small chuckle to himself. The person at the locker beside him gave him a judgemental look but he didn’t care. He folded the piece of paper and stuck it at the bottom of his locker, it wouldn’t get lost there. He closed the locker door and walked off, a proud smile on his face. 

Eddie thinks I did the right thing. That’s really nice. Most of my teachers haven’t really given me a lot of positive feedback. I get good grades but they don’t really tell me what I’ve done right. Eddie’s really good at that. He doesn’t tell me what to do, he just tells me when I’ve done the right thing, which is almost the same but better. He’s a really good teacher. I’m glad I chose him. 

***

“Steve Harrington!” Eddie shouted, banging on the front door. 

Steve perked up from his spot on the couch and moved to the door swiftly. He swung it open with a face of surprise. “Hi?” Steve said, questioningly. 

“Did you forget I was coming, man?” Eddie asked as he strutted inside and kicked off his shoes at the entrance. 

“No, I just thought you’d be here later. It’s only eleven in the morning. I honestly took you for the type to sleep until noon.”

Steve followed behind as Eddie walked to the living room and plopped on the couch. 

“You’re not entirely wrong, I only got up thirty minutes ago.” 

Steve scrunched his face in surprise and scanned Eddie thoughtfully. He looked him up and down. His hair was thrown in a ponytail and he was dressed as he normally was. The fact that Eddie looked just as good as usual with less than thirty minutes of time to prepare was crazy. 

Eddie cleared his throat and Steve’s eyes shot up to meet him. 

“What? Does it show? Do I not look good enough to be in the Harrington House?” Eddie teased. 

Steve frowned, “No, of course not. Don’t be silly. You look good. I was just amazed you can get ready so fast, it takes me a while.” 

Eddie looked at him skeptically, like he was waiting for Steve to say something else. Steve stayed quiet though, just sending him a soft smile.

A smirk crept on Eddie’s face, “Thanks. I can’t blame you though they say beauty takes time or whatever.” 

Steve blushed. Beauty? Is he saying I’m–

“Do you mean beauty is pain?” Steve asked. 

“Yeah, that.” 

Steve chuckled and sat next to Eddie on the couch. “Are we ready to get stoic?” 

Eddie drummed on his thighs, “Yep! Tell me what you thought.” 

Steve blanked.

Where do I start with something like that? 

“Well…I kinda understood the virtues, I get why those would be something you’d want. They were kind of vague though,” Steve began. He was unsure, basically just talking out of his ass.

“Yeah?” Eddie questioned with a tilt of his head. “How so?” he asked. It didn’t seem judgmental though. Like he was already criticizing him for being wrong but instead he was really asking, actually wanted to know why Steve thought so. 

“Well they basically just boiled everything down to ‘be right’, which is nice and all but how are we supposed to know what the right thing is?” 

Eddie smiled and a dimple showed.

I didn’t know he had dimples…they’re kind of-

“That’s a really good point, Steve! That’s definitely where the ethics parts come in, stoicism isn’t much of a standalone philosophy, you still have to find your right thing,” Eddie said. He seemed pleasantly surprised, or maybe just proud. 

“Oh, thanks. Okay, cool.” Steve smiled, it was nice to feel like he was progressing. 

“What else?” 

Steve cleared his throat and paused for a moment. “Well, didn’t you say that they believe in like cause and effect and like that we control how we feel?” 

Eddie nodded, “Yeah. They kind of think you aren’t in control of events but you can control how you handle them, how you feel about them.” 

“I don’t think I agree with that fully. Like, I mean there are things out of our control and things we can control but I don’t think you can totally control how you feel about everything.” 

Eddie nodded for Steve to go on, he was an intent listener and it made Steve feel okay to talk, to keep going. 

“I think you can control your reaction but not your feelings and you shouldn’t really…have to,” Steve said with hesitation. He was letting himself flow in this moment, just talking as each idea came to him. It was easier than trying to plan it beforehand. 

“You should get to be sad about things that have happened to you and stuff. If you never let yourself be upset about things you’re not gonna change,” Steve continued.

Eddie perked up, a smirk on his face and a sparkle in his eyes.

“Like if I hadn’t stopped to think of how much I hated all those fake people I wouldn’t have stopped being one. I thought I didn’t have control over who I was but I had more than I thought,” Steve finished. He looked up, searching for approval in Eddie’s face. 

He got it.

Eddie didn’t speak right away, he had to find his words. He kept staring at Steve, studying his face with a smirk. Steve looked away and fiddled with his fingers, glancing around the room. 

“That’s a really good thought. Sometimes we have more control than we think and sometimes there are things we shouldn’t have to control…like how we feel,” Eddie said, his speech feathering out towards the end. He had an odd look in his eyes that Steve couldn’t decode. 

It’s like they’re sparkling. He has really sparkly eyes.

“Yeah…we should let ourselves feel whatever,” Steve said with a shrug. 

Eddie nodded slowly, “Yeah, maybe we should.” 

“Hey, um…” Steve paused and shuffled through his own notes. “How do you think stoics feel about redemption? If someone took a while, like maybe 17 years, to do the right thing…would that be okay?” Steve asked, pushing his hair back. 

“Well, you realized what the right thing was and you did it, I think that counts for something. We can’t always do things right from the start. I’m not sure what stoics think but I think that’s pretty cool,” Eddie said. He caught Steve’s eye and gave him a reassuring look.

It almost felt like forgiveness, not for anything in particular, just forgiveness. It felt like he and Eddie were officially on a ground where they respected each other and there were no more bad feelings from Eddie. It made Steve relax in his chair, a small smile slipping onto his face.

Eddie cleared his throat and shuffled through the pages of his notebook, humming to himself. “Well, I definitely think you’ve got a handle on stoicism.” 

“Yeah? Really?” Steve asked with a hopeful smile on his face. 

“Yeah. I think you should definitely bring up those arguments in an essay, maybe highlight how everyone has different views of right and wrong ‘cause that kind of goes with what you were saying,” Eddie said.

“Okay…” Steve smiled to himself. “Yeah, okay I will. We have a quiz coming up, right?” 

“Yeah, it’s on several topics though so I’m sorry to say I don’t know how much help I’ll have been.” Eddie closed his notebook and rubbed his palms on his jeans. 

“Hey, anything will do, if I can bring up my average that’s a lower grade needed on my final.” Steve stood up and walked to the kitchen tapping on the counter as he passed it. “Do you want anything? A soda, a snack?” Steve popped open the fridge and looked around bending down to get a peak at the bottom shelf. 

Eddie walked up behind him and stood there silent. “Eds?” Steve asked and stood straight to look at him. 

Eddie’s eyes shot up to Steve’s and his cheeks gained a pink hue. 

He’s blushing? What was he looking at? I was just bending down…was he looking at–no, he wouldn’t be doing that.

“I think I’m actually gonna head out,” Eddie said, breaking their silence. 

“Oh! Are you sure? You don’t have to go. You could…hang out. If you wanted.” Steve wasn’t sure why he wanted that. He could always use the company though and Eddie was here already. 

“Maybe another time…I’ll see you later,” Eddie said with a smile.

Eddie walked to the door and Steve followed close behind. Eddie struggled into his shoes, slipping them on without untying them which meant they didn’t go on easily. Steve stood quietly and opened the door for Eddie who looked up at him from the floor.

“You don’t always have to walk me out, you know?” Eddie said.

“I don’t mind,” Steve said happily. “It’s no problem and I like to say bye.”

Eddie nodded slowly and hopped up from the ground and patted his pockets. He looked like he was about to say something, likely another goodbye, but Steve stopped him. 

“Thanks for the um…the letter, by the way. It was really nice to see,” Steve said, sending Eddie a soft smile, one he hoped to show his gratefulness. 

“Yeah…no problem. Maybe look out for more then,” Eddie said, looking down at his shoes. “Alright, now I will see you later.” 

Eddie seemed like he didn’t know what to do for a moment, if he should pat him on the shoulder, hug him, whatever. He seemed to give up and then he walked out the front door. Steve stayed in the doorway, as usual. Eddie paused a few paces away and turned abruptly, holding a finger in the air in question. 

“Did you call me Eds earlier?” Eddie asked. 

Steve shuffled his feet and thought back. “Yeah, I guess I did. Sorry, is that okay?” 

Eddie smirked, “Yeah, it’s fine, Steve.” 

Then Eddie sped off to his van, like he was in a rush. Steve just chuckled and closed the door. 

He called me Steve…

Chapter Text

On Monday, Eddie arrived at Steve’s house immediately after Steve. He gave a single knock on the door and Steve was there to get it. 

“Are you ready to talk about your guy?” Eddie asked, foregoing any proper greeting as Steve opened the door for him. 

“My guy?” Steve questioned. 

“Yeah, I think you called him Niche?” Eddie said with a soft laugh. He popped his shoes off easily and walked to the couch, plopping down comfortably. Steve followed after him once again, rolling his eyes. 

“Yeah, yeah, it’s a hard name to say, man.” Steve dropped himself onto the couch next to him. They weren’t overly close, it was a respectable distance but something in his skin still prickled. 

I don’t hate him. I don’t know why my skin feels all…staticy.

He simply rubbed his arms like he was cold in hopes to get rid of the feeling. 

Eddie eyed him, “You cold?” 

Steve shook his head and rushed to drop his arms, “Nah, I’m good, thanks.” 

“Okay…” Eddie paused and pulled out his notebook once again. “So, nihilism. As you’ve covered it was mainly founded by Nietzsche in the mid 19th century.” 

“Knee-chuh, knee-chuh,” Steve mumbled to himself, working on the proper pronunciation. 

Eddie just smirked and moved on. 

“It’s kind of doom and gloom now, as you put it, but it wasn’t necessarily what it meant to be…You see at first it was separated into sections, political nihilism, ethical nihilism; just different types. But they just argue that there is no meaning,” Eddie began.

Steve crinkled his eyebrows, “That sounds doom and gloom.” 

“Yeah but there’s a difference between something having no meaning and being meaningless.”

Steve paused. “Those sound the same.” 

“Okay, so basically, if life had ‘A Meaning’ it would be one single, certain meaning. One objective, all encompassing purpose and meaning to all life. So to say it has no meaning is to say there’s not just one meaning for life, for all of us. It’s to say we can never know what the meaning is for us being here.” Eddie was really getting into it. He was raising his voice and his hands were waving here and there but he didn’t seem mad. It wasn’t like a normal teacher, like them getting upset because you didn’t get it the first way you explained it. It was like he was excited to explain it in a different way, to keep going and to make him get it. 

“How is that different from saying it’s meaningless though?” Steve asked.

“If we said it’s meaningless that would mean there was no point for any of us to do it. But that’s not what it means! Life can have a billion meanings to billions of people, it’s different for everyone. Life isn’t meaningless, it's just that we don’t know the meaning for all of us. But each of us has our own purpose, it’s up to you where you go from there.” 

Wow. That’s kind of…beautiful.

“I think I get that,” Steve said. 

“Yes! See!” Eddie got up and started pacing the room, seemingly excited. “When people think of nihilism, all they think of is philosophical pessimism! Like that whole woe is me, life has no point, why are we here just to suffer. They don't get it! It doesn’t have to be that. Nihilism is mostly an acknowledgment that life has no meaning,” Eddie reasoned passionately. 

He really likes this stuff, huh?

“They all assume nihilists are like that! But Nietzsche, at first predicted that after war, humans would become pessimistic, that they’d see this lack of meaning and think it meant it was meaningless! He theorized that how humanity reacted to these feelings would change the world.” 

They just assumed they all meant life was meaningless. That they thought we were pointless and not worth something but they were just saying it’s not one thing.

“If humanity gave into this pessimism, it could go downhill but if we also refused to acknowledge it we might turn to other things to give us meaning! It’s so interesting.”

Yeah…interesting. 

“That…actually makes a lot of sense,” Steve said softly. 

“Yeah?” Eddie said, out of breath. 

“Yeah…so people just kind of don’t understand it fully. Like they’re not totally wrong but they don’t get the intention?” Steve questioned.

“Yeah! It can be doom and gloom and nowadays it often is but it doesn’t have to be. Nihilism can  just be a thing we move past. Life has no meaning, whatever, doesn’t mean it’s meaningless,” Eddie exclaimed, plopping himself back on the couch with a proud huff. 

“Yeah…” Steve said, beginning to lose himself in thought. 

It’s funny. People just assume it’s all bad. People assume a lot. I guess I do too, I mean I kind of thought everyone was always right about Eddie. That he was a freak or a satanist or something…wait.

“Are you a nihilist?” Steve asked.

“Nah, I like a different term better. We’ll get to that later but it’s kind of similar, you’ll see,” Eddie said kindly. 

“I feel like people would just assume you’re a nihilist, you know…because of the whole,” Steve stopped and just gestured to Eddie’s metal attire. 

Eddie chuckled. “If they spare a thought to philosophy then yeah, they probably assume that. I don’t mind though, it’s not as bad to be as they think it is,” he said with a shrug of his shoulders.

It’s not as bad to be as they think it is. Yeah. They think it’s an insult because they don’t get it. He’s not one but he doesn’t mind because even if he was that’s not bad to him. Because he knows who he is. It’s funny…people assume nihilism is one way and people assume Eddie is one way. 

“Do you get so passionate over nihilism because it’s misunderstood and people hate it without actually getting it?” Steve asked simply. 

Eddie froze. A pensive look was on his face and it slowly morphed into a large gaping grin. “Yeah, Steve, I think so.” Eddie gave him a hard pat on his back. “I never thought about it like that…pretty deep thinking, big boy.” 

Steve’s cheeks pinked at both the compliment and the term used. “Thanks. I just kind of realized you’re similar in that way. People just assume the worst and then it sticks.” 

Eddie’s face morphs into something soft. Almost vulnerable. Steve just continues, hoping to clarify in case he’s hurt his feelings. 

“But you decided what to do with that after. You made it something to be proud of,” Steve said, adding a smile for good measure. 

Eddie sat for a moment. He was very still and Steve couldn’t tell if he had said the wrong thing or the perfect thing. 

“Yeah…you get it,” Eddie finally said softly, voice full of awe. 

“Sweet!” Steve said with a proud smack to his own leg. 

Eddie just kept staring at him. That same look in his eyes that Steve had been noticing lately. A certain sparkle. 

I wonder where he goes in these moments…is it like me? Is he just thinking? I wonder what his thoughts are like? 

Steve takes the moment of silence to look at his notes. They looked a lot better than normal, and had actual things written out. “Do you think I can do this?” Steve asked.

Eddie blinked himself out of wherever he was and tilted his head in question. 

“Do you think I can pass? Graduate and stuff?” Steve supplied. 

Eddie’s face softened again, this time kindly, like he felt bad Steve even had to ask. “Yeah, I think so. I think what matters though is that you saw that it was getting bad and you chose what to do from there. You chose to try and learn the stuff and pass, even if it was hard.” 

Steve smiled to himself. 

“I think it’s up to you. Not to sound like a motivational poster or anything but I think if you believe you can do it then you will.” 

Steve met Eddie’s eyes, a soft, thankful smile on his face. “I really appreciate that, Eds.” 

Eddie’s cheeks took on a slight pink hue, almost light enough to not notice. 

“Yeah, of course.” 

***

Tuesday Steve walked into the hallway with his head held high. Sure things have been rough; he lost his friends, Nancy broke up with him, he was failing a class and might not graduate, but that didn’t mean it was over. He could choose what to do next. 

He passed by everyone at their lockers and did a quick stop at one specific one. The one where Robin Buckley stood, yet again wrestling with her abundance of school crap. 

“Hey, Robin!” 

Robin jolts a bit, like she’s not used to being approached at her locker. She turns and her eyebrows raise in a quiet surprise. 

“Oh, hey Harrington,” she greeted. She sounded almost suspicious, cautious even. 

“How have you been doing?” Steve asked. 

She gave a confused glance and returned to shoving her stuff in her locker. “I’ve been okay, thanks. You?”

“Yeah, really good. Eddie’s been helping a lot.” Steve leaned his shoulder against the locker next to her. 

“Cool…” Robin responded. 

Steve leaned in, almost conspiratorially. “How’s it been going with that girl?” 

Robin looked around and then back at him. Her shoulders slumped, “It hasn’t, she has a boyfriend.” 

“Man,” Steve sucked a breath in through his teeth in a sympathetic pained noise. “Been there.” 

“Yeah…” 

“Do you maybe want to hang out sometime?” Steve asked.

Robin gave him a weird look, “We were literally just talking about how I…” she gestured with her hands, likely implying about her sexuality. 

“Oh! No, not like that. It’s just…I haven’t really had friends for a bit, not sure you’ve noticed, and I had fun at the party so I figured. Might as well ask, you know?” 

Robin looked around like she was waiting for someone to jump out and tell her she was being pranked but it didn’t happen. 

“Yeah, okay. Might as well. When and where?” she asked. 

“We could just hangout at my house tomorrow after school?” 

Robin considered and then nodded. “Yeah, sure. No funny business.” 

“Serious business only,” he said with a mock salute like she had done the night of the party. 

“Yeah…I’m gonna need a ride by the way, I can’t drive.” Robin said and finally closed her locker. 

“No problem, I give people rides all the time,” Steve said with a shrug. 

Robin gave him a confused side eye but moved past it. “I’ll see you.” 

He didn’t have friends. So he’d make one!

***

The next day came and Robin met Steve outside his car, much like Lucas had done the week before. 

Steve was standing there waiting for her, leaning against the car and swinging his keys in his fingers. Robin bounded up, “Hey, dingus. Are we still on?” 

Steve stood up straight, “Yeah, of course, I was just waiting for you.” 

“Nice…” Robin looked around awkwardly and caught sight of Eddie across the parking lot at his van. “Hey, Eddie!” Robin shouted to him. Eddie waved and pointed at Steve in question. Robin just shrugged back. 

Steve looked to where Eddie was too when he heard Robin shout. “Hey, Eds,” he shouted. 

Robin looked back at Steve and mouthed ‘Eds’ in astonishment. Steve didn’t see that and he just moved to his car door. 

“Hop in,” he said to Robin. 

Robin shook her head with a look of confusion still on her face but got in the car nonetheless. 

“So…” Steve said, drawing the word out awkwardly. 

“Yup,” Robin replied. 

“Um…tutoring is going well,” Steve said, trying for conversation but not having much. 

“Yeah, I heard.” 

“We just did nihilism the other day, it’s actually not like how I thought it was.” 

“How so?” 

“Eddie said life has no meaning but that it’s not meaningless, which is a lot less sad,” he said. 

“I’m not sure I understand the difference.” 

“I didn’t either, at first!” Steve said excitedly. “But then Eddie explained it, and he did it really well. I’m not sure I could do it as well. Maybe you can ask Eddie!”

“Yeah…” 

“He’s really smart. I think he knows more than the teacher, or at least he’s better at teaching it," Steve said, beginning to ramble. "He gets really into things and doesn't get mad at me when I don't understand his first explanation." 

Robin nods her head, she has a considering look on her face while Steve stares at the road. 

"He's really smart and nice. He's just a good teacher, really," Steve said. 

"Sure sounds like he's good…" Robin said. 

Why'd she say it like that? Does he not sound good? Maybe I explained it badly…no I don't think so. I don't know, Robin's still confusing. 

Steve pulled into his driveway and Robin rushed to unbuckle. 

"Don't worry, I'll try not to talk about my tutoring anymore!" Steve said. 

"It's fine, talk about what comes to you," Robin shrugged and got out of the car. 

Steve followed quickly behind and rushed to open the door for her. She waltzed in easily without stopping at first until Steve spoke up.

“Sorry, could you take off your shoes? My mom doesn’t want anyone to like…track anything…” He always hated asking, felt weird and stuck up doing it, but he’d rather ask than his mother decide to pop in and see some kind of mark on the floors. 

“Oh yeah, no problem. We do the same at our house but I’m kind of forgetful.” She clumsily slipped off her red converse, nearly falling over in the process. 

Steve caught sight of some of the doodles on the souls. 

“What does it say on your shoes,” he asked. 

Robin laughed. “It says a lot. There’s some boobies on it, on one side it says ‘I may not go down in history but I will go down on your sister,’ I’m a big fan of that one.” 

Steve laughed, practically gasping as he reached for the shoes to see for himself. “There’s so much on here, my parents would probably kill me if I drew on my shoes like this.” 

Robin made a sad face that Steve didn’t see. “Mine weren’t super happy but in the end they never see them and these are the only ones I drew on.”

“Wait, that’s so smart! I can just draw on one pair and then never wear them around them!” 

Robin perked up and started bouncing on her toes, “You want to draw on your shoes too?”

“Yeah, it looks cool!” 

Robin jumped up and down and Steve ran upstairs to grab an old pair of blue converse his parents never thought were ‘suitable’ to wear. He came back downstairs with them and some sharpies from his desk. 

“Shall we?” he asked. 

“We shall,” Robin responded gleefully. 

Together they brought their converse to Steve’s living room and sat on the floor around his coffee table. He laid the markers on the table and they scattered across it. Robin giggled in excitement. 

“I have no clue what else to add at this point,” Robin said.

“You’ll think of something! Or I will. You have to help me with mine though,” Steve said. 

“Absolutely, I’ve got all the good ideas.” 

They sat together and tossed around ideas for a bit, occasionally stopping to doodle things on their respective shoes. 

“You should write ‘don’t trip’ ‘cause you’re so clumsy!” Steve said with a laugh.

Robin gasped in mock offense, “How dare you, I’m graceful like a gazelle.” 

Steve gave her a doubtful look and they doubled over into laughter. She quickly started surveying her shoes for where to write the words though. 

“Write ‘philosopher in training’ or something,” Robin supplied. 

“Ooh, that’s good.” 

They came to a natural silence, both of them carefully writing. It was comfortable and it was real. It wasn’t like a friendship Steve had ever experienced before. It was something he felt comfortable calling a friendship even though he wasn’t sure she’d agree. 

I wonder if she’d say we’re friends now…I would. I’ve never really had good friends before. There was Tommy and he was really the only person I ever called my friend, everyone else has just felt like someone who was there. A person I knew of. Tommy was someone I knew well so he must’ve been my friend but…I didn’t really like him. I like Robin though, she’s fun. 

“Are we friends?” Steve blurted into the silence. 

Robin pondered while she scribbled a pattern on her shoe. “Yeah, sure.” 

“Oh, ‘sure’, I’m so glad you’re so enthused to be my friend,” Steve teased.

“Oh yeah, I’m thrilled to be the first friend to de-throned Steve Harrington, can’t you tell?” Robin replied similarly. 

Steve knew she was playing, teasing, just as he was, but something in him felt pulled, plucked like a guitar string but not in a pretty way. It must’ve showed on his face, a soured expression or something because Robin spoke up again. 

“No, but seriously…it’s nice to have someone who knows and is cool about it. You’re cooler than I thought you’d be,” she said with a smile. 

It eased the slight discomfort in Steve’s chest and he smirked. “Yeah, well we all know how cool you thought I was so I must just be crazy cool now.” 

Robin snorted, “The crazy coolest.” 

Steve smiled, “I’m glad I can be your someone who knows about it.” 

Robin smiles at him softly, something softer than she’s given him before, something softer than he’s received in a single glance in a long time. 

“And now I can teach you how to pick up girls!” Steve said. 

Robin laughed hard, “Absolutely not. First of all, where am I finding these girls? Second of all, I think lesbians might take a different brand of charm than you’re capable of giving.” 

He rolled his eyes and replied, “Well, first of all, gay bars. They’re a thing.” He gave her a look that read ‘obviously’ and she went to interject before he continued. “Second of all, everyone takes my brand of charm, it’s all inclusive.” 

“How the hell does Steve Harrington know about gay bars?” she yelled and he just tried to hush her through his laughter. 

“Come on, I’m not dumb, I know they’re somewhere just not where exactly.” 

“Mhm,” she gave him suspicious eyes. 

Why does it always seem like she’s putting together a puzzle around him? Solving something. There’s nothing to solve here.

“So your charm is all inclusive, you say?” she asked with a narrowing of her eyes. 

“Yeah, everyone can like me; lesbians,” he pointed at her, “moms, cheerleaders, nerds-” 

“Guys?” 

“Well, I mean, yeah…” he responded cautiously.

“You want to charm guys?” 

“Well–not like…I mean. What’s even happening right now?” Steve asked in exhaustion.

“I’m just messing with you,” she said, though it didn’t feel fully true. 

“Have you even been charming the girls lately? Last I heard there’s been nothing since Wheeler,” she said, swiftly changing the subject. 

“I haven’t but that’s entirely by choice,” Steve said and Robin just hummed unconvinced. 

“I mean it. The girls all just wanted that King Steve shit, I was tired of it.” He paused. “That’s just not who I am. I want someone who wants to know who I am, not someone who wants me to fulfill their wish for who I am.” 

Robin hums like she gets that, respects it. “So who are you?” 

He shrugs. “I’m not sure. It’s kind of why I’m taking a break too.” 

“That’s smart, you can’t tell people who you are if you don’t even know,” she offered. 

“Exactly! It’s like…how would they even know they like me? I could actually suck for all they know.” 

They both laughed, at this point their shoes were long forgotten and they were just chatting and laughing side by side. 

“Like with you!” Steve began and Robin nodded for him to go on. “If you didn’t realize you were a lesbian you would’ve probably tried to date men and then neither of you would be having fun because he doesn’t know the real you and you wouldn’t know why you weren’t feeling it. You’d be like damn what’s up with this and it’d be because you wanted boobies!” 

“I think I get what you mean. Like it wouldn’t have been real so me figuring out what is real for me helped.”

“Yeah, like if someone goes in expecting one thing they’re gonna feel some kind of way when it’s different.”

“What kind of way?” she asked. 

“Like…I don’t know, like there’s something missing,” he answered. 

“Do you feel like that? Like something’s missing?” Robin asked. 

He didn’t even have to think before answering. “Yeah…I do.” 

“Well, I hope you find it. I’d like to know the real Steve.” She smiled and patted him on the shoulder. It was a kind of companionship, a kind of solidarity he hadn’t felt before. Like it was okay that he didn’t know who he was and that they could figure it out together. 

“Thanks. Me too,” he said.

“So, you’re not dating, who needs it?” Robin says with a dismissive wave and a scoff. 

“Exactly, and none of the girls are even sticking out to me right now. Everyone just kind of blends into it all. I want to learn who someone is too, you know?” 

She nods with a small smile on her face and he feels like she really does know. 

***

Steve was supposed to get the philosophy quiz back Thursday, so the time had come. He hadn’t felt great taking it but he’d felt better than he normally did. He sat in the class and waited his turn while she passed out the papers. He glanced over Eddie’s shoulder when he got his and saw the A marked at the top. 

God, he’s so smart. Does he even study?

Then the paper slipped onto his desk. He looked up and got a slightly less disapproving stare from the teacher than normal. He smirked and looked down. 

A ‘D’.

He had mixed feelings about it. It was an improvement for sure. Better than an F but it was still failing. He decided to think on the bright side though, the side that congratulated his improvement and he tapped Eddie on the shoulder. 

Eddie turned around and gave a thumbs up and then a thumbs down in question. Steve gave him a thumbs up and showed him his paper. Eddie frowned slightly and looked at him again. 

“It’s better than last time,” Steve whispered. “I got all the stuff about stoicism and nihilism right, you’re a hero, literally.” 

Eddie smiled and his cheeks looked to take on a slightly pink hue but he didn’t have time to take it in before the teacher was clearing her throat to begin the class. 

Steve didn’t feel very inclined to listen. Content to wait for his tutoring with Eddie where he would undoubtedly teach him better than she could. After a painstaking time the bell rang and they walked out. Steve grabbed Eddie in the hall and pulled him aside from the walking traffic.

“Thank you so much!” 

Eddie smirked and patted his arm. “It’s what you pay me the big bucks for,” he said dismissively. 

“No, I’m serious, you’re a genius and a miracle worker. You’re saving my ass here,” Steve assured him. 

“Come on, man, it’s just one class. Why is this so big for you?” Eddie asked. 

Steve pondered for a second and then looked around at the dwindling population of the hall. He swiftly grabbed Eddie’s arm and dragged him to the exit to the school nearby. 

“Woah, is it a secret?” Eddie teased.

“Kind of,” Steve said simply. 

“Oh, then,” Eddie said, gesturing for Steve to go on. 

“So, I think I told you but if I fail this class I don’t qualify to graduate.” 

Eddie nodded. 

“It’s just…do you ever feel trapped?” Steve asked. 

Eddie froze up a bit, his expression unreadable to Steve so he kept going. 

“Like you’re where you’re going to be forever. Like you’re gonna be forced to be in the same place, being the same person forever.” 

Eddie nodded, “Yeah, Steve, I mean…you’re talking to a two-time-senior here.” 

Steve shook his head, “See you get it. People have this perception of you and it’s like the whole time you’re here you’re stuck to be That Person and like that’s fine or whatever but I don’t want to have to be that guy they think I am forever. I don’t feel like that guy anymore.” 

Eddie stared at Steve with big eyes. 

“It’s just that sometimes I feel like if I have to stay in Hawkins High for another year that’ll be it, I’ll be stuck. I don’t want that. I want to meet new people and act the way I want to act without people having opinions about it. Everything here just keeps me as this old version of myself; my parents, my classmates, the things around town. It sucks and sometimes it feels like if I don’t escape it soon, I never will,” Steve finishes with a gust of breath. 

Eddie cleared his throat and scrunched his nose. A lot like Steve does when he’s trying not to cry. 

“I know exactly how you feel,” Eddie said. 

“Yeah?” Steve asked.

“Yeah, I get it.” 

They stand there for a moment in silence. It was much like the moments Steve had shared with Robin the day before. It was comfortable. Just sitting in the knowledge that there was someone who understood, someone who thought the same thing as you, felt the same. 

The bell that alerted the beginning of the next class rang and Steve jolted a bit, “I gotta go but…thanks again, man. It means a lot.” Steve dashed off to his class before Eddie could respond but he saw the look in his eyes and it weighed heavy in Steve’s mind the whole of the next period. 

After it ended it didn’t go away because when he arrived at his locker there was another note. 

Dear Steve, 

Thanks for the talk today. I know it was mostly you talking at me but it felt nice to feel like someone got it. That even though I’m the only super senior there’s someone who knows what it’s like to be trapped here. I hope we get out. I have faith in you, I think you can pass this class, especially with my help now. Not to brag. 

Don’t get too down about it. I think you have potential. More than you or the losers here are aware of. 

P.S. 

If you stay too down about your fate people are going to start thinking you’re a nihilist or something. Wouldn’t want that, would we? 

Steve laughed at his locker and tucked the note away with the last one. 

There are worse things to be confused for. 

***

The next day Steve was feeling great. He had hope. He had already shown improvement after only two weeks and Eddie had faith in him. It felt nice to know that. 

He walked out of the school using a back door, the same one he’d pulled Eddie out of the day before and speak of the devil Eddie was there. Steve went to say just this when he caught sight of Eddie in full. 

His body was hunkered down against the wall, his head leaned between his knees. He didn’t seem okay. 

“Eds?” 

Eddie’s head shot up, on guard until he realized it was Steve. 

“Oh, hey,” he responded dully. 

Steve surveyed his face quickly, there was a bruise on his eye, it was in the midst of swelling, Steve could tell. There was also a bit of blood dripping from his lip, he’d clearly been punched, likely multiple times. 

“Who did this to you?” Steve asked, more angrily than he intended. 

“Normal group, just some loser jocks calling me a satanist and a freak et cetera,” Eddie answered and put his head back between his knees. 

Steve wanted to ask more, to ask their names, where they found him, how much they hurt him. He wanted to hunt them down and hurt them worse and he wanted to make them understand why they should’ve never even wanted to hurt him. It was a protectiveness he had only felt for the kids so far and it was strange. He wanted to ask more questions but he knew Eddie wasn’t up for answering so he settled for just one. 

“Can I help you?” Steve said.

Eddie glanced up, squinting to look at him. 

“I keep a first aid kit in my car,” Steve explained, unasked. 

Eddie just nodded complacently and went to get up from his spot on the ground. He stumbled a bit but Steve was there to catch him and help him up the rest of the way. Eddie mumbled a thanks that felt more grateful than it sounded. 

Steve walked him to his car and sat him in the passenger seat facing out of the car. He grabbed his first aid kit and squatted in front of him. “They did a number on you.” 

“You should see the other guy,” Eddie joked. 

“Yeah? You get a good couple hits in?” Steve said.

Eddie scoffed, “Not one.” 

Steve smiled sadly and rubbed an alcohol wipe on the cuts on his face. Eddie flinched back at the slight sting but eventually settled to let him clean his face. They sat in silence for a bit. Eddie mostly because his lip was part of his face getting cleaned. 

“I was thinking about what you said yesterday, about being trapped,” Eddie said.

“Yeah?” Steve questioned. 

“Yeah. I really get it. Especially on days like this where I’m reminded just how much they hate me here. Just how the longer I stay here the worse I get in their eyes and the worse it gets for me. I feel trapped too,” Eddie said dejectedly. 

Steve frowned but stayed quiet for Eddie. He kept cleaning his face, careful to be gentle, Eddie deserved gentleness. 

“The longer I stay here the worse it’ll get but I can’t get out. I’ll always be the freak and I mean…I’ve moved past the part of me that hated myself for being weird but…I just wish I could be weird in peace. I don’t have a problem with myself anymore, not with who I know I am but…I have a problem with how people see me and how it makes them think they can hurt me. Like that makes them any better than how they see me.” 

Steve came to a halt in his cleaning and just stared at Eddie. 

“It’s just really hard to have hope for getting better when everything seems to be heading towards the worst,” Eddie said, trailing off towards the end as he made eye contact with Steve. 

“I get it–I mean, I don’t really because the way people see me doesn’t get me beat up but…I understand what you mean. I’m sorry you feel that way. But…if it makes you feel better, I have hope for you,” Steve said. 

Eddie scoffed but looked at him with a smirk, “Yeah?” 

“Yeah. I know you’re smart and you play guitar and you’re a natural performer, I think a lot of people would really like you if they didn’t listen to the bad stuff. If they just got to know you.” 

Eddie looked down at his thumbs and fiddled with them aimlessly, “Thanks, Steve. I don’t know how much it helps but it makes me feel a bit better.” 

“That’s good. And hey-” he begins and Eddie looks up again. “There’s not only one way to do things. If you aren’t able to graduate I’m sure there’s something else you can do, there’s not one way to go about life.” 

Eddie smirks, a small look of disbelief in his eyes. 

“You can make it in your own way. I know you can. It’s just up to you how you do that,” Steve finishes. 

A single tear escapes Eddie’s injured eye but Steve ignores it. Writes it up to a reaction the eye is having from swelling and bruising and if it’s otherwise that’s not his business. 

“Thanks,” Eddie said.

“Of course.”

Steve finished cleaning Eddie up and walked with him to his van. It was late now, all the other students’ cars long gone. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” Steve asks. 

“Nah, I think you’ve got an understanding of it already,” Eddie said with a smile.

“Really?” Steve asked, confused. 

“Yeah, back there you said exactly the things I was talking about. There’s more than one way to live life. You choose the path and your meaning. I mean, you’re not a textbook nihilist but I think you get it,” Eddie said with a shrug. 

“Oh, sweet! Okay, cool. I’m glad. I get that there’s like not one meaning to life but I hope everyone finds one, you know?” Steve said.

“Yeah…” Eddie said, smiling at Steve with that sparkle in his eyes again. Well…eye, the other one is pretty much swollen shut at this point. 

“Make sure you put some ice on that when you get home,” Steve said, gesturing to the black eye. 

“Sir, yessir,” Eddie said with a smirk. 

They said their goodbyes and Steve left with a smile on his face. 

I have hope for Eddie. Eddie has hope for me. Maybe I should have some faith in myself. I can make it however I want to. I just have to figure out how I want to move forward…

Chapter Text

On Monday Steve was ready for another lesson. He was at a high point and was pretty confident in his learning abilities but even more confident in Eddie’s teaching abilities. 

By the time Eddie arrived Steve had his notebook out and ready. He felt excited to learn, which was entirely new to him. 

“You’re ready to learn, I take it?” Eddie asked. His black eye looked a bit better already and his spirits were much higher. It was nice.

“Yup,” Steve said cheerfully. 

Eddie sat down in his normal spot on the couch and Steve sat not too far from him. 

“How was your weekend by the way?” Eddie said.

Steve wasn’t expecting that question, they didn’t usually talk much about their lives outside of studying while studying. 

“It was fine, I didn’t really do much,” Steve said. 

Eddie nodded in understanding. “Yeah, me too. I actually kind of missed our normal Saturday session.” 

Something in Steve prickled. Not uncomfortably so. He almost thought of it as a tingle instead. 

He missed our session? That’s…nice, right? I mean it means he enjoys them which is cool because I do too. I really didn’t do much this weekend and it did feel kind of weird not doing our normal session…

“Yeah? I actually did too…” Steve said. 

“Damn, I guess I’m a little bit too good at this teaching thing. Pretty sure students are supposed to want time off,” Eddie said jokingly. 

Steve laughed, “I think the goal is for us to like it, it's just that none of the teachers are as good as you.” 

Eddie paused and looked at Steve. That sparkle was in his eyes again but also something else. He looked flustered, a pink hue began taking over his cheeks. 

I never really saw him as a blusher but he seems to do it a lot…

“You think I’m good at all this?” Eddie asked. 

Steve scoffed, “Of course. You’re by far my favorite teacher.” Steve nudged Eddie at his use of the word teacher and he tried not to think about how the tingling feeling moved to where he had touched Eddie.

Eddie smiled softly and muttered a thanks. 

“Seriously, man, if you wanted you could be a teacher,” Steve said encouragingly.

Eddie laughed, “I think I’ve spent more than enough time in a school setting but…I appreciate it.” 

They smiled at each other then.

His cheeks are still pink. I wonder if they’re warm. I kind of want to see. I wonder if I could–

Eddie cleared his throat. “Um, class time, I guess.” 

Steve laughed and quickly moved on from his train of thoughts, “Yep.” 

“Okay, so this week is relativism. There’s not much to this one,” Eddie began. 

“Nice,” Steve said.

“Eh, doesn’t mean it’s easy,” Eddie said with a smile. “Relativism is the belief that all things are relative to the context.” 

Steve waited for him to go on but he didn’t seem to be.

“And?” 

“That’s pretty much it. It’s basically just that there is no determinate answer to anything because everything depends on the context of the matter. Like if you ask the question you have to consider all of the factors.” 

“How is that even a philosophy? Isn’t that just a fact?” Steve asked, perplexed. 

“Ah, now you see, that’s where it gets interesting. They think this for everything. There’s different forms of relativism,” Eddie began. He lifted a hand and began listing them off on his fingers. “Cultural relativism, conceptual, cognitive and…” Eddie paused for dramatic effect. 

Him and his dramatics.

Steve just waited with a fond smile.

“Moral relativism,” Eddie said with finality. 

Steve sat with it for a moment. “Okay…what does that mean then?” 

“It means there are no set morals. Nothing is just right or wrong because it depends on the context.” Eddie smirked, like he was waiting for Steve to come to a realization but wasn’t rushing it. “Here,” Eddie said, sensing Steve needed an extra hint. “What’s something you think is just morally wrong no matter what?” 

“Um…” Steve thought for a moment, not sure how to answer that. “Murder, I guess?” he said with a shrug. It was the most obvious answer he could think of. 

“Okay, well what if I argued that to me murder is good?” Eddie asked. 

“I’d be a little concerned,” Steve said with a chuckle. 

“Yeah, but for real. If I said that, for some reason, the way I was raised or the way I believe things leads me to feel that murder is morally good, how could you tell me I’m wrong?” 

Steve sat with that. 

“I don’t know,” he said questioningly. “I guess I couldn’t say too much because I just know it is wrong.” 

“Exactly, because that’s what your context is, that’s what you believe. That’s what relativism is,” Eddie said with a smile. 

Steve stared blankly at him. 

“Relativism is…a defense for murder?” Steve asked. 

Eddie snorted, “It can be. But mostly it’s an argument that all things are relative, even good or bad, so there’s no criticizing others' beliefs because all of our context is different.” 

“How is that a philosophy? It’s just…agreeing to disagree on everything.” 

Steve was getting passionate about this one. Passionate because he didn’t understand it but passionate nonetheless.

“How can you just go ‘well murder is probably fine to them, so it’s okay’?” Steve asked, near hysterics. “That’s so stupid!” 

Eddie chuckled a bit but he wore a smile, like he was holding something back. 

“Eh, it makes sense to some,” Eddie gave a toothy grin. “Because it’s all relative.” He laughed at that, knowing it would just send Steve off more. 

“That’s the worst!” Steve said. “There has to be a line, some things have to be definitively bad.” 

Eddie just shrugs with his knowing smirk still in place.

“Am I missing something?” Steve asked. 

“Nope,” he said unconvincingly. 

He’s holding something back. Maybe he just wants me to figure it out myself…that’s probably it. That sounds like him. 

“Okay, so that’s really all?” Steve said. 

“Yeah, just think about it, think about all the things and how they can depend on context. Think about what that would mean for philosophy,” Eddie said. 

Steve nodded and tried to start, but he found he just didn’t like the idea of relativism. If that was all it is, was he missing something?

Is there something I’m misunderstanding? Surely not because Eddie would have corrected me. How can everything be relative though? Sure, our experiences form our opinions and there’s no doubt that everyone has different opinions but…we can’t just let everyone have different thoughts on morals. Right? 

“I meant to think about it during the week but good start,” Eddie said with a laugh, breaking Steve out of his thoughts and alerting him to the continued presence of Eddie. 

“Oh, right,” Steve said. 

“I’ll see you, Stevie.” 

Steve walked him to the door as he always did and watched him leave. It was a part of their routine he didn’t necessarily like. It wasn’t bad, it's just that something always ached a bit as he watched Eddie walk away. Like there was something else he wanted to say to keep him there longer each time.

Wait…did he say Stevie?

***

The next day Steve had plans with Dustin. He hadn’t seen him in a while, there’s not many times you run into a middle schooler as a high school senior. 

“Hey, kid,” Steve said when he opened his door after school to Dustin standing there with a movie in hand. 

“Hey!” Dustin said. He walked in and slipped off his shoes like all the kids have learned to do now and then walked to the living room. 

“I got us a movie to watch,” he said. 

“Nice, do you want me to make us some popcorn?” Steve asked. 

“Absolutely, it’s not a movie without popcorn, are you kidding me?” 

“Jeez, calm down, I’ll make the popcorn,” he said with a laugh. 

Steve walked to the kitchen and Dustin followed. He usually let Steve handle the snacks on his own while he set up the movie. 

“You wanna grab us sodas?” Steve asked. 

Dustin just nodded and grabbed two from the fridge quietly. Steve put the popcorn bag in the microwave and turned to him.

“Alright, doofus, what’s going on?” he asked. 

Dustin scoffed, “I’m not a doofus…” 

Steve just crossed his arms over his chest and stared him down. 

“Okay, fine, it’s just…I think Lucas is thinking of joining the basketball team next year,” Dustin said sadly. 

“Yeah, he is. So what?” Steve asked, leaning against the counter. 

“Basketball is stupid! All the people who play it suck and then he’s not gonna be around us as much,” Dustin complained. 

“Well, you gotta think of it this way kid,” Steve began. “Basketball is just stupid to you. You don’t like sports, that’s fine, but Lucas does.” 

Dustin groaned in annoyance, “But why does he have to like it? I don’t want him to be on that stupid team.” 

Steve rolled his eyes, “So? What team he’s on isn’t up to you. Part of growing up is doing your own thing and that means letting your friends do their own things too.” 

The microwave beeped and Steve grabbed the bag out, reaching for a bowl to empty it into. 

“But what if he ditches us to be with the cool kids?” Dustin asked. 

Steve dumped the bag into the bowl. “That won’t be a problem.”

“How do you know that?” Dustin asked judgingly, sure that Steve had no way of knowing this. 

“Well,” Steve said, turning around and gesturing for Dustin to follow him to the living room with the sodas. “Because Lucas came to me a couple weeks ago worried about the same thing.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah. He was scared that if he did what he wanted that you guys wouldn’t want to be friends with him anymore,” Steve said, sitting down on the couch and putting the bowl on the table. 

“That’s crazy,” Dustin exclaimed. 

“Is it?” Steve asked with a judging eye. 

Dustin shrunk a bit, realizing he had been reacting exactly how Lucas was afraid he would. “I guess not.” 

“See? You both just want to stay friends and you can. You just have to let each other have some differences. It’s no big deal. He likes basketball, so what?” 

“I guess…but I still don’t like it.” 

“And you don’t have to. But you like Lucas, so show him that.” 

At that Steve turned on the movie, effectively ending the conversation. Dustin turned his attention to the movie but Steve could tell he was thinking over their talk more. 

Good. Don’t need him being rude to Lucas. I told him I’d give the kids a good knock on the head if they were rude but I don’t actually want to do that.

It’s interesting. I kind of said what Eddie said yesterday…Lucas likes basketball, Dustin doesn’t. It’s not good or bad or definitively stupid, it’s just a difference in opinion.

It still doesn’t make sense as a philosophy though. How can having different opinions and just agreeing on never agreeing be a philosophy? And how can you just decide, ethics wise, that everyone is right in their own way? It’s like a lack of philosophy…it doesn’t really apply to life as much as it just applies to certain things. 

Which is so stupid because that means I’m saying relativism is relative which is relativism. This is infuriating. 

***

The bell rang after class Wednesday and Steve was quick to grab his bag and get out. His other classes were boring, not much to think about in them and not much of a reason to care. He walked down the hallway, minding his own business as he had recently taken to. He’s stopped when he hears a group of people talking loudly around the corner.

People talking in the hallway isn’t new but the way they were talking sounded different. Lots of gossip voices, the ones where people whisper as if it makes the rude things they’re saying better. There were also a lot of loud voices that seemed to be egging someone on. 

Steve rounded the corner and saw a crowd circled around two people, one was someone he recognized from the basketball team and the other was Eddie. A flash of panic went through Steve’s body at the sight. He started pushing his way through the crowd in hopes to get to the center. 

“I wasn’t even looking at you, man,” he overheard Eddie say. 

“Pretty sure you were. What? The black eye wasn’t enough, freak?” the basketball boy said. 

Steve was making progress pushing through, he wasn’t sure what he was going to do but he was going to stop this somehow. 

“No, it was more than enough,” Eddie said, sardonic as ever even in a moment like this.

“I don’t know. I think you like the pain, bet you love getting beat on by guys you fucking f–” 

Steve burst through the circle at that moment and caught both boys' attention. 

“What are you doing here, Harrington?” the man asked. 

“Stopping whatever this is,” Steve said simply. “What’s your problem?” 

“My problem is that this fairy was watching me, perving on me,” he said, spitting and reaching for Eddie’s shirt collar. 

Steve swiftly stepped in front of Eddie and put a hand on the jock’s chest. “I highly doubt that. I’m not sure what he could be perving on with you. Think you’re giving yourself too much credit,” Steve said with a smirk. 

Steve could feel Eddie’s panicked breath on his shoulder. He wanted to look back and make sure he was okay but he had to get this guy away first.

The jock sputtered, caught off guard, “I don’t want him looking at me. Can’t trust him not to, the gay freak.” 

“He’s not looking at you. Is your problem here just that he’s gay?” Steve said.

“Yeah, it’s disgusting, he gets to change in the locker rooms with us he–” 

Steve interrupts him, “Yeah, I don’t need to hear your theories. Him being gay is none of your business.” 

The crowd grows quiet, whispers travel throughout but everyone seems to be listening intently. Steve wished the bell would ring so at least some of them would leave. 

“You’re saying you’re okay with this?” the jock asked angrily, accusingly. 

“Yeah. I am. So what?” Steve shrugged and didn’t back down. “It’s none of our business what he does. Why are you so focused on him?” Steve asked with a shove to his shoulder. 

The jock seemed astounded, and had a hard time knowing what he was going to say. “Because it’s disgusting!” 

“To you,” Steve said easily. “You can think whatever you want, but if you’re going to start making your sad little opinion Eddie’s problem then we’re gonna have a problem of our own.” Steve crossed his arms in front of his chest. 

The room was as quiet as a high school hall could get. Steve couldn’t look around, couldn’t show weakness but the faces there were just as surprised as the jock’s. Everyone knew of King Steve, knew the things he used to say and now he was standing up for a gay guy and saying he was okay with it. No one knew how to act. 

“You’re protecting this freak?” the jock asked. 

Steve nodded. 

“You want me to just ignore it?” he asked angrily.

“Yeah, I do, because it doesn’t affect you. You leave him alone or I’m going to give you much worse than the black eye you gave him,” Steve said with finality. 

The man just scanned his face then looked around at the crowd, seemingly embarrassed by the ultimatum he’s been given; continue what he was doing and risk a fight he might not win, or leave and have everyone watch. Steve just stood there, proud and unmoving. Eddie hadn’t made a peep since Steve stepped in but Steve could feel his presence behind him still. 

“Whatever,” the jock finally said, scoffing and turning away. Steve angled his body to guard Eddie from that angle too as the man pushed his way through the crowd. The bell finally rang and the crowd itself began to disperse quietly, not sure what to do when it ended like that. 

Steve was finally able to turn and check on Eddie. “Hey, you okay?” he asked softly. 

Eddie just stared back at him with wide eyes. “Why did you do that?” 

Steve tilted his head in confusion, “What? Defend you? Did you not want me to?” 

Eddie shook his head and motioned for him to come outside with him. They walked out and Eddie began to pace. 

“What’s wrong?” Steve asked. 

“You just like vouched for gay rights in the school halls, man! They’re gonna be after you,” Eddie said worryingly, pulling his hands through his hair. 

“Come on, man, it’s fine, they won’t mess with me,” Steve said, waving him off. 

“You don’t know that.”

Steve grabbed his hands and pulled them from where they were yanking at his own hair. He held them in his for a moment and just looked at Eddie. “Yeah, but I can handle it either way.” 

“I just don’t get why you did that?” Eddie said. 

“Because he was about to beat you up again! Over being gay, it’s ridiculous, it’s none of his business if you’re gay or not.” 

“I am,” Eddie said solemnly. “Gay, I mean.” 

Steve shrugged, “Yeah, well it’s none of his business. He doesn’t get to beat you up over it either.” 

“So you’re really okay with it?” Eddie asked, semi-disbelievingly. 

“Yeah, I meant what I said. There’s nothing wrong with it, I don’t even get why people think there is.” 

Eddie stared at him again. His eyes were soft, the black eye was still there but Steve could see the softness in that eye just the same. “Some people just can’t think otherwise, I guess,” Eddie said sadly. “Their parents or their God or something has been telling them it’s wrong and so they think it is. Sometimes it’s hard to break from what you’re told.” 

Steve nodded solemnly, “I get that, I just don’t understand why they think that means beating you up is good. How are they better than you, a person who minds their business and is gay, when they’re beating people up unprompted.” 

“They think they’re doing good, I guess, I mean–” 

“Stop trying to justify their actions!” Steve said, louder than he intended. He was angry at this point. Angry that they treat Eddie like this, angry that Eddie is trying to act like it’s okay, angry that Eddie has to deal with this at all. 

“No matter what their ‘context’ is,” Steve said mockingly, “it will never be okay!” 

Eddie stayed silent, looking down at his shoes. 

“No matter how you put it, they are wrong, it’s not okay to do this to you, you don’t deserve it and you never will,” Steve’s voice started softening now. “They don’t even know you. All they know is what they think and that’s not enough to justify beating you up or picking on you. They’re wrong.” 

Eddie sniffled a bit and looked up at Steve. “Thanks, Stevie. I appreciate it. I don’t know why you care so much about little old me though.” Eddie gave a weak chuckle at that, trying to inject some humor back into the situation like always. 

“Come on, you’re great and you’re there for me. I just want people to be willing to know you instead of just assuming you’re bad,” Steve said. “You’re not bad, I hate that they think that.” 

“Yeah, me too but you can’t make people think differently,” Eddie said sadly. 

“I think it’s possible. You’ve made me think differently in so many ways. People just have to be open to it.” 

Eddie met his eyes and wiped away the tears that were welling there. “You’ve changed the way I think too.” 

Steve gave him a smile and pulled him in by the shoulder for a hug. He held him tight and tucked his face into his shoulder. 

He kind of smells good…this feels really nice. I’ve kind of needed a hug. This is a really good hug…Am I holding on too long? 

Steve hesitantly let go of Eddie but kept him at an arm's length. “You tell me if he comes after you again, okay? I’ll kick his ass.” 

Eddie smirked and nodded, “Sure you will, big boy.” 

At that Eddie patted him once more and wiped his eyes a final time before walking back into the school.

I wish people saw him the way I did. I get that everyone’s context is different, they have different experiences of him and hear different things…but why aren’t they willing to understand they’re wrong? I did. I thought he was weird because I believed everything they said but I let him prove me wrong. 

I don’t want Eddie to be relative to everyone. I want them to know the truth. He’s good, he’s amazing.

***

Thursday came and Steve was still being haunted by the events of the day before. How could someone be so hateful just because Eddie was gay?

I suppose they could’ve been raised to think that; like Eddie said. When things have been drilled into your head enough it’s hard to get them out…That doesn’t justify it though! 

“Steve!” Robin said, raising her voice to get his attention. 

I hate relativism. I get that people have different contexts but if you’re making something other people’s problem it’s no longer just about how you feel. It’s not fair to make his homophobia Eddie’s problem. 

“Steve!” Robin shouted, getting his attention finally. The two of them were sitting on his living room floor again just watching tv. 

“What?” Steve asked, jolting out of his thoughts. 

“You were totally zoned out. What’s up?” 

What was up? Why was he still so in his head about what happened? He just couldn’t drop it. Maybe because he cared about Eddie. 

“I’m just thinking of what happened yesterday with Eddie and that homophobe,” he said bitterly. “It bothers me that Eddie has to deal with that…” 

Robin gave him a sympathetic look, already knowing what he was talking about because he had recounted the event to her. 

“Have you ever had to deal with stuff like that?” Steve asked, concerned. 

Robin shook her head. “People don’t really predict it with me, I guess. They can’t tell. Which is good because they would probably be like that.” 

Steve shook his head upset. “I don’t get why everyone can’t mind their business about it. Your sexuality has nothing to do with them.”

“Don’t take offense to this, but you’re much more of an ally than I ever would have expected.” 

“None taken. I wasn’t the best in the past.” Steve takes a moment to think about it. Think of how he had called Jonathan a queer as an insult. “I was influenced by my dad for a while. He sucks. I try not to let him get into my head now.” 

Robin nods and Steve continues. “He always has all of these things to say about being a man and what it means and it all sounds so ridiculous and strict. He hates gay people and for a while I thought that was normal, or should be.” Steve shook his head again, a little ashamed of the way he used to think. “Not anymore.” 

Robin smiled at him, “Well that’s good. I get you, my parents aren’t crazy about gay people either. It was really hard for me to come to terms with myself because I just had this awful concept in my head about queer people. That I was evil or something for liking women.” She gave a sad smile. “It took me a while to accept myself and even now I still have problems.” 

“Well I’m glad you’re getting there ‘cause you wouldn’t be you if you changed and I like you. You’re my friend.” 

The two of them smiled and Robin knocked her knee against Steve’s in companionship. 

***

On Friday Steve is getting tired of relativism. He doesn’t agree with it and he’s not entirely sure he even understands it. He makes the trudge to his locker and opens it when another note comes out. Steve smiles softly and begins to read it. 

Dear Stevie, 

Thanks again for the other day. I really can’t say enough how grateful I am. You’re a good guy, really, I didn’t see it coming. Maybe because I just made assumptions about you like everyone does about me. Looks like I have some things to unlearn myself. 

P.S.

I sense you don’t like relativism, which is fine, you don’t have to like a philosophy or even agree with it to understand it. I think you get it. I saw it perfectly the other day when you defended me against that homophobe. You understood he felt differently about things, that it was relative to him, but you still didn’t let him pick on me because that’s what was relative to you. Good work. 

Gratefully,

Eddie

Steve smiled down at the note as Robin walked up to his locker. “Hey,” she said. 

“Hey,” Steve said absentmindedly. 

“What’s that?” 

“Eddie leaves me these notes sometimes and talks about how I’ve applied the philosophy of the week. It’s really cool.” He smiled once more at the note then folded it up and put it with the rest at the bottom of his locker. 

“I still can’t believe you stood up for him like that in front of everyone,” Robin said. 

“It was what’s right. Besides, I like him, I don’t want anyone to hurt him. I just wish everyone would get past their biases and learn who he is.” 

Robin looked at him consideringly. “Steve, can I ask you something?” He nodded. “Have you ever liked a boy…romantically?”

Steve went to answer his knee-jerk response of no when he decided to really think about it. 

Have I ever liked a boy? I don’t know that I have. Really the only person I remember having real feelings for is Nancy. What did that feel like? 

“I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve liked a lot of people,” he said instead. Robin hummed thoughtfully. 

“Why do you ask?” he questioned. 

“No reason,” Robin said dismissively. “Just know that it’s okay if you do. It’s also okay if you’re the only person who sees the good in someone.” 

“But I don’t want to be the only one. He deserves to be appreciated or at least not tormented. He’s a good guy.” 

“I know. But you can’t change everyone’s minds.” 

Steve sighed and nodded. The two of them walked off towards the parking lot, Steve had gotten into the habit of driving her home when they weren’t hanging out. They were getting much closer. It was something Steve was really grateful for. 

He wasn’t sure why she had asked that question though. What made her question his sexuality? Or his feelings. He wasn’t sure. 

***

“Okay, what do you think about relativism?” Eddie asked come Saturday. The two of them were sitting on Steve’s couch, closer than normal. They had gotten quite comfortable with each other. 

“I don’t like moral relativism.” Steve said flatly. 

“Okay, why?”

“Because we shouldn’t just let people do whatever they want because they may have a different opinion than us. We can’t just let them make it other people’s problems. Some things we have to define as right or wrong.” 

“So you think relativism is relative?” Eddie asked with a smile. 

Steve sighed, “I guess.” 

“Well, that’s fine. At least you understand that it’s the belief that opinions and beliefs are relative to peoples’ lives. You understand that even your opinion is relative.” 

“That’s all there is to it? I can hate it and still get it well enough? I’m not misunderstanding?” he asked, confused. Surely there was more to it than Steve thought. 

“Nope,” Eddie said, popping the P. “You understand it, I think. You don’t have to like it.” 

“Well that’s good because I don’t.” 

What if some of my opinions are bad? Wrong? What if they’re only relative to my context but to someone else they’re the opposite way? 

“How do I know if my opinion is biased by my life?” Steve asked. 

Eddie had a surprised face and stuttered for a second. “Um, I’m not sure, I guess you just have to really sit and think about how you might be biased. Maybe start with if your opinion is hurting anyone.” 

“And if it’s not hurting anyone?” 

“Then I’d say it’s safe to assume it could be an okay opinion to have. Just break your thoughts down by steps in your head if that helps and if you can then it’s probably pretty logical.” 

“I’m not sure I know how to do that.” 

“Sure you do! Here, let's try. Okay…” Eddie started, slow and thoughtfully. “Well how do you think about opinions? Everyone has those. When you think about something, your mind keeps going.” 

“Yeah…” Steve didn’t see how this was going to help. 

“I have an idea. You’re going to sit here and think.” 

Steve’s head dropped back in exasperation and he let out a groan. 

“Just do it!” Eddie interrupted with a yell. “Pick a topic, I’ll set a timer for a minute and just let your mind go. No end goal. Just think.” 

Steve sighed but shook his head in confirmation. 

“Got a topic?” 

Oh, shit, um…sports. I like sports. Okay I’ll do what sports I like. 

“Yeah, I got one.” Steve said. 

“Okay, I’ll set a timer and you just close your eyes and think.” Eddie said. He turned to his watch and started pressing buttons. He finished and shook his head at Steve. 

He closed his eyes. 

Okay, sports. Sports…I’ve played a bunch. I like basketball and swimming the most, I think. Those are cool. They’re super different though. Like swimming is in the pool and I really like the feel of the water but I also like the feel of working on a team in basketball. You’re definitely not on a team in swimming…well you are but you’re competing yourself. They kind of have similar movements, like the stretching and extending of it all. You have to keep loose with your movements but still be defined so you get the right result. I like the feel of that. Doing those repetitive movements and controlling it with something simple like just how you reach your arm. So I like muscle and stretching stuff? Oh, Robin mentioned yoga the other day, that’s stretching. I wonder if I’d like yoga? She said I wo-

“Time.” Eddie said, breaking Steve from his thoughts. 

For that minute in time it was like Steve was lost. He didn’t need to think of his surroundings or what the thoughts would mean if he said them aloud he was just thinking to think. It was kind of fun. 

“What were you thinking about?” Eddie asked.

“Sports.” Steve said. 

“Okay, what about them?” Eddie said imploringly. 

“Which ones are my favorite.” 

“Take a second and remember. I want you to explain the process, everything you were thinking. Don’t simplify it. Tell me everything.” 

Steve’s face scrunched and he closed in on himself a bit. “Come on, you don’t care about all of that.” Steve looked at his feet and shuffled them around on the floor.

“Yeah I do. I want to hear what you think.” Eddie said. 

Steve looked up from the ground to see Eddie with a small smile on his face. He looked kind and open and like he really does want to hear it. Like he won’t make fun of anything he’s going to say. He looks like he cares.

“Well, I asked myself what my favorite sports are…” Steve started off awkwardly, still afraid to have to break it all down. “And I decided on basketball and swimming.” 

Steve looked up at Eddie, a silent question on if he should go on. Eddie nodded. 

“Then I was thinking about how different they were. I mean swimmings in water, how can both of them be my favorite? But then I realized they have similar movements and muscle use. You have to be strong in your arms and legs but your movements themselves need to be soft and controlled. Simple.”

Steve wasn’t paying attention anymore. Lost in his thoughts again but this time speaking them. If he was paying attention he’d see the fond smile on Eddie’s face and the pride in his eyes.

“So, maybe I like stretching and then I remembered that Robin mentioned yoga and that’s stretching so I was wondering if I’d like that. Then you called time,” Steve finished. He looked up at Eddie again, looking for any sign he’d done it right. 

He got it.

Eddie had a huge smile on his face. His dimple was out and Steve couldn’t take his eyes off of the joy on the other man’s face. 

“That was perfect!” Eddie yelled, hopping out of his chair and grabbing Steve by the shoulders, shaking him. “You picked a line of thinking and then you asked why and then you thought what that could mean going forward! That’s exactly it Stevie.” 

Eddie was shaking him so hard Steve’s body was bouncing all around in his chair and he couldn’t help but giggle at Eddie’s excitement. 

“That’s what philosophy is. It’s having a thought and then having more until you reach a conclusion, and you can explain how you got there. If you’re worried about your own opinions just think about how you got them, if you have a reason to think those things,” Eddie said. “If you can’t then maybe it’s an opinion you need to reevaluate, which is fine, we all have to learn sometimes.” 

Steve nodded. He understood that. He’d had a lot of things he reexamined in himself. Why he didn’t like his friends before, why he didn’t like himself, why he didn’t like Eddie. The answers came when he tried to ask himself why, when he really questioned why he was feeling those things. When he just let himself think about it. 

“The next time you have an essay, all you have to do is just that. You take as long as you need to think and then you break it down, just like you did for me. Every single, silly step.” Eddie finally let Steve’s shoulder go and Steve missed the warmth of his pride. Eddie plopped back down in his chair with a content sigh. 

“But what if what I’m thinking is stupid? What if she reads what I thought and still fails me? What if it’s still not philosophical enough?” Steve asked sadly, breaking the happy silence that settled over the room. 

Eddie’s smile faltered just a bit. “There’s no stupid thinking in philosophy,” Eddie said. 

Steve didn’t say anything. 

How is that possible?

“If someone tells you your thoughts are too stupid for philosophy they don’t know the first thing about philosophy!” Eddie said with a scoff. He stood from his chair and looked like he was about to begin one of his cafeteria rants. 

“Philosophy is not being afraid to ask the stupid questions! If you’re thinking of a stupid question then, odds are, people have never thought deeper about it. That’s what philosophy is: thinking deeper on things others might not have yet!” Eddie was yelling, preaching at this point. Hands flying around just like they did every time he was passionate. 

Steve had never been more confident in the choice to ask Eddie to tutor him in philosophy. 

“I bet some of the best philosophical ideas started with some person asking a dumbass question. Hell, the trolley problem is a simple question about whether or not you’d sacrifice one or five people but it’s more than that! Once you keep asking questions it becomes more!” Eddie proclaimed. He was on a roll. 

“Do you think your thoughts are stupid, Steve?” he asked. 

Steve paused, faltered, wondering if he should tell the truth. “Sometimes, yeah.” 

“Well, they’re not,” Eddie said with finality. It seemed inarguable. “None of them,” he continued. “Every thought you have leads to another and that’s how big thoughts grow! That’s how we grow. I think you’ve been afraid to tell people what you were thinking because they could call you stupid. I think it’s easier to just call yourself stupid and have that be it than to try and be put down for it.” 

Steve felt like he did when he was thinking on his own. Like everything was flowing and making sense and speaking to him. It felt like a wave overtaking him, dozens of thoughts combining to make a conclusion that was just over the horizon and it felt so fucking freeing. 

“I don’t think you’re stupid. In fact, I think anyone who does is wrong,” Eddie said. He stopped in front of Steve’s chair and crossed his arms. He seemed to be almost at the end. To have reached his thesis. 

“Philosophy is thinking with no regard for any of that stuff. No regard for if others will think it’s stupid, or if it’s worth thinking about. I want you to let yourself think,” Eddie lowered to his knees in front of Steve and stared him in the eyes. He wanted him to get this part. 

“You need to let yourself think. Think one point to the next, think cause and effect, think of stupid stuff and important stuff, think with no regard and no fear.” Eddie grabbed Steve’s face in his hands and just kept looking and speaking and Steve could barely create a thought with him this close. “Don’t shame yourself for your thoughts and don’t try to filter them. Just let them flow. Okay?” Eddie said, asking if Steve would do that. If he would trust him. 

Steve stared back for a second. Lost in the moment like he got lost in his thoughts and it felt infinite. It felt like he could sit here forever and just think about how Eddie made him feel. How Eddie cared what he thought and wanted him to think anything. How Eddie never once made fun of him for his sports comparisons or his way of understanding. One thought triumphed over the others though. 

He has the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.

But all he said was, “Yeah, okay. I will,” with a deep breath. 

“Perfect,” Eddie said and swiftly released Steve’s face and hopped up from his crouched position. 

“Those essays are gonna write themselves, Stevie.” 

Eddie plopped down in his chair and pulled a cigarette from the pack in his pocket. He lit it carelessly and slumped in the chair, relaxed and proud. 

Yeah…they will write themselves…if I can ever stop thinking about Eddie fucking Munson again. 

***

Steve pounded on Robin’s front door, not even stopping to consider he might be disturbing her parents. He’d feel bad about that later. Luckily, Robin was the one who came to the door. 

“What? Why are you pounding on my door on a Sunday?” she asked, raising her voice. 

Steve panted, trying to catch his breath. “I think I have a crush on Eddie,” he said desperately. He had only just realized it the day before while staring into the man’s eyes. Something about the way they sparkled got to him. Then he got to thinking and thinking and Eddie never left his brain. 

Robin simply sighed and pulled him into her house. “I saw this coming,” she said, sitting down on the couch and motioning for him to do the same. 

“You did?”

“Yeah, it’s why I asked if you’d ever liked a guy before. I had a feeling.” 

“I haven’t until now. I’ve barely cared about anyone this much. I didn’t realize how I was so obsessed with people seeing him like I see him. I just want them to recognize how good he is in my eyes. I didn’t even realize how I was seeing him.” 

Robin rubbed Steve’s arm comfortingly. “What are you gonna do?” 

“Nothing!” Steve exclaimed. “He’s my tutor, and a good one. I can’t risk that.” 

“But-” 

“But nothing, I’ve thought about this. I can’t tell him.” 

Robin sighed and slumped onto the couch, resigning herself to have to hear about the man even more now. 

Chapter Text

Monday came and Eddie was going to teach Steve about logical positivism. Steve had no clue what that was going to entail. 

“This ones simple,” Eddie said as he sat down on Steve’s family couch. “Basically all it is is that nothing that can’t be proven matters.” 

“What?” Steve asked, perplexed. 

“Yeah. Everything follows the principle of verifiability which means if it can’t be verified it doesn’t matter, it has no meaning.” 

“Really? So like…God and stuff?” 

“Meaningless unless you can prove there is one.” 

Steve sat there for a moment in silence. “So it’s like everything needs to be proven? It’s basically just believing in science?” 

“Yeah, basically. If you can’t prove it, it doesn’t matter.” 

“And that’s all there is to it?” 

“Yup.” 

Well that was a thinker. If that applied to everything then didn’t he have to prove everything? How do you prove everything? 

“You have to be able to verify everything?” Steve asked. 

“If you’re a logical positivist, yeah.” 

Only believing in things you can prove? But you can’t prove everything. You can’t prove your feelings. 

Right? 

Or maybe you can? 

Eddie left Steve with that. He just left the house and left him to think over it all. 

***

The next day Steve went to Robin. If anyone would know about his feelings she would. 

“I’ve never had feelings for a guy before, how do I know they’re real?” Steve said. 

“Well, compare them to your feelings to girls in the past. Think of how often you think of him,” Robin said.

“Well I think of him all the time,” Steve said. “Partially because I’m always trying to think of philosophy and they go hand in hand in my head.” 

“And partially because you have a big fat crush on him,” Robin said. 

Steve rolled his eyes, “Maybe.” 

“Definitely,” Robin replied. “I don’t know why you’re even trying to deny it. I thought you had already admitted it and now you’re trying to go back?” 

“I’m just trying to see if it’s true.”

“I’m sure you’ll find that you like him just like you’ve liked girls in the past,” Robin said. 

“You think?” Steve asked. 

“I’m very sure of it.” 

Robin seemed pretty certain and Steve wasn’t sure why. How could she be so sure of his feelings when even he wasn’t. 

Unless the only reason he wasn’t was because he had never had feelings for boys before. 

“Do you think the reason I’m unsure of my feelings is because he’s a guy?” 

“Possibly. I mean you’ve never liked a guy before so maybe you’re just doubting yourself because of that,” she said with a shrug. “Just think of how often you think of him and what kind of thoughts you have when you do.” 

“Okay, I’ll try,” Steve said. “What do you think that would mean for my sexuality though?” 

“I don’t know, I don’t think I can be the one to tell you that. I think that’s something you have to figure out on your own,” she said. 

“But how can I like boys if I’ve liked girls in the past? Did I not really like the girls?” 

Robin shook her head. “There’s something called bisexual, it means you like men and women. You could be that.” 

“Really?” Steve asked. “I’ve never heard of that before. That’s new.” 

“Yeah, it’s a small town, I’m not surprised. I’m sure you’ll figure yourself out though.” 

***

That Wednesday at school Steve finds himself thinking of Eddie a lot. He constantly is distracted during class because his mind is running rampant with thoughts of the boy. 

I wonder what Eddie’s doing right now? Well, it’s the middle of the school day so he’s probably in class. I wonder what class he has? 

“Steve.”

God is this how it’s always going to be? Am I going to constantly be thinking about him now?

“Steve!” His teacher called for his attention causing him to jolt out of his thoughts. 

“What?” he asked, causing the rest of the class to laugh at him and the way he had been distracted. 

“I asked you the answer to this question,” she said pointing to the equation on the board. 

“Oh, uh, I don’t know,” he said slowly, looking around embarrassed. 

She simply sighed, “Maybe you would know if you were paying attention. But fine I’ll ask someone else.” 

He looked down as the class moved on without him. 

After the class, at lunch he was sitting with Robin still thinking of Eddie. 

I wonder if Eddie likes our tutoring sessions? He seems to like philosophy so I’d think maybe he likes them. Maybe he doesn’t though, maybe he’s only doing it because I’m paying him. That would suck. What if he doesn’t even like me? I mean he doesn’t seem to mind me but what if it’s just because I’m giving him money? 

“Steve?” Robin asked, breaking him out of his thoughts just like his teacher had done earlier. 

“Yeah?”

“What are you thinking about?” 

“Eddie,” he said, scratching his neck. “I was wondering if he likes our tutoring sessions or if he only does it for the money.” 

She rolled her eyes, “That sounds like a thought you’d have if you liked him. You’re concerned about him liking you.” 

“Would you not be concerned about someone liking you if you didn’t like them?” 

“Probably not, no.” 

He sighed, “Really the only time we hang out is during our tutoring sessions. How am I supposed to know if I like him if I barely even know him beyond that? What if he doesn’t even like me?” 

“These all sound like things you’d be worried about if you had a crush on someone,” she said, rolling her eyes. 

“Maybe I should see if he wants to hang out sometime? Like outside of our tutoring sessions. Then I could see if he likes me as a person.” 

“I think that’s a good idea. Then you can see if you guys have stuff in common too.” 

He nodded, it was set then, he’d ask Eddie to hang out. 

He saw him in the hallway later that day and went up to him. “Hey, Eds!”

The man turned around and smiled at him, “Hey, man. What’s up?” 

“I just wanted to see if you maybe wanted to hang out tomorrow? We could go to my house and just chill out?” 

Eddie looked surprised for a second, like he didn’t expect Steve to say anything like that but he quickly recovered. “Yeah, sure, man.” 

“Awesome! I’ll see you then,” Steve said with a smile as he backed away. 

“See you,” Eddie said slowly, still sounding a little taken off guard. 

***

That Thursday after school Eddie met Steve at his house. 

“Hey, man,” he said, walking in the front door. “I was surprised you invited me, if I’m honest. Didn’t think you’d want to be friends.” 

Friends…right…

“Of course, man, you’re cool,” he said. 

“What do you wanna do?” Eddie asked. 

“Whatever’s fine, I didn’t really have any plans besides just hanging out and talking.”

Eddie nodded with a smile. “How have you and Robin been doing? I saw you guys eating lunch together the other day, are you friends now?” 

“Yeah, we’re friends, we’re doing pretty good. I was glad we got along at that party. She's kind of my closest friend right now.” 

“That’s nice, I’m glad you guys get along,” Eddie said, sitting on the couch. Steve sat next to him. He tried not to sit too close, he didn’t want to make him uncomfortable at all. 

“I was surprised, if I’m honest, and I think she was too.” 

“I was kind of surprised that you were this way too. I kind of assumed you’d be rude, no offense,” Eddie said. 

Steve laughed, “It’s okay, I think she assumed that too.”

“Maybe that was judgmental of us.” 

“I’m just glad I was able to prove you wrong,” Steve said. “So do you like philosophy?” 

“Yeah, I do,” Eddie said with a smile. “It’s one of the classes I actually do well at.” 

“I noticed that. I saw you get A’s all the time, it’s really impressive.” 

Eddie smiled. “Thanks. It comes kind of easy to me. Unlike other classes.” 

“No classes really come easy to me if I’m honest so I get it,” Steve said. 

“I’m just hoping I’m able to pass this time, I’m tired of being the guy who had to repeat senior year.” 

Steve frowned. He had never considered how hard that probably was for Eddie. Especially since everyone here could be so judgmental. 

“I’m sure you can do it. You’re pretty smart.” 

“Tell that to my grades and my teachers,” Eddie said with a scoff.

“I will if you want. They shouldn’t be doubting you anyway.” 

“Thanks,” he smiled. “They definitely do.” 

“Well you’re helping me a bunch with philosophy, if I could I’d help you with the rest. I don’t think I’d actually be much help though.” 

“I appreciate the thought.” 

“Hey, don’t you like Dungeons and Dragons?” Steve asked.

Eddie looked surprised for a moment. “You know what Dungeons and Dragons is?” 

“Yeah, I know some kids who play it all the time.” 

“Really?”

“Yeah, I watch them sometimes. They’re good kids. They’re gonna be in high school next year,” Steve said. “They’ll probably join your club.” 

“Hopefully I won't be there by then but I’ll tell my friends to look out for them.” 

“Thanks, I’d appreciate that.” 

“I’m actually gonna see one of them tomorrow.” 

“Nice, you gonna play D&D with him?” Eddie asked with a smirk. 

Steve laughed, “No, that’s not my thing.” 

“Darn, that’s too bad. It would be cool if you would play.” 

“Maybe one day, I don’t know,” Steve said. 

“How are you liking philosophy so far?” Eddie asked. 

The way they were bouncing topic to topic, speaking shortly about each, kind of reminded Steve of a first date. He wondered if Eddie felt the same. 

“It’s not too bad. It’s better than I thought, especially when I actually understand it.” 

Eddie smiled, “That’s good. I’m glad that I’m helping some.” 

“You are, you’re really smart.” 

“Thanks, many people would beg to differ but I appreciate it,” Eddie said with a smirk. 

I wonder if this is like any first date Eddie’s been on? Has Eddie been on dates? Maybe not, maybe he hasn’t had as many opportunities as I have.

The train of thought leads Steve to a certain question.

“Hey, I had a question.” 

“Sure, shoot,” he said. 

“How did you know you were gay?” 

Eddie seemed taken aback. “How did I know I was gay?” 

Steve nodded. 

“Well I guess it started when I was younger,” Eddie began. “I always felt different than the other kids and I never liked the girls like the other boys did.” 

“What if you like girls but also boys? How would you know?” Steve asked. 

Eddie gave him an assessing look, not unlike the ones Robin gives him. “I’m not super sure…” Eddie said. “I guess if you know you like girls then what you could do was try to see if you feel the same way about boys or a certain boy.” 

“Guess it’d take some self-exploration.” 

“Yeah, figuring out your sexuality always does.”

Steve smiled and patted Eddie on the back, “Thanks for hanging out with me today by the way.”

“Yeah, of course, I’m having a good time. I actually enjoy talking to you despite what I would’ve thought.” 

Steve laughed, “Thanks, I think.” 

“We’re still on for Saturday,” Eddie asked.

“Yeah, for sure,” Steve said happily. He wanted to hang out with Eddie as often as he could, if he was honest. Which was probably…something of note.

***

On Friday Steve found a note in his locker again. 

Dear Stevie,

Thanks for hanging out with me yesterday, I had a good time. I’m still getting used to you and how you really are. You’re not like how I thought you’d be. You’re a good guy. 

P.S.

I’m not sure if you were asking for yourself or out of curiosity but I was surprised you asked that question yesterday. It takes a lot of self-discovery to figure out your sexuality. If it’s something you’re trying to figure out it’ll probably take a lot of self-questioning. It’s just like with logical positivism where you need to prove it. It might take a while and it’s hard to know for sure but I’m sure you can do it if you’re trying to. Don’t get too caught up in it though, it’s okay to not know for a bit…despite what logical positivism might say.

Steve was grateful for the letter. He guesses it was a little like logical positivism in that you needed to investigate it and really figure it out for sure. He appreciated Eddie and all his wisdom.

He really liked how much he helped him and took his time out of his day to do so. He left him letters every week which he didn’t pay him for. It was really nice. He really liked Eddie for doing that, for taking the time out of his days to help him. It was really admirable and sweet. 

Later that day he met Dustin after school to hang out. 

“Hey Dustin.” 

“Hey Steve, how are you doing?” Dustin asked. 

“I’m okay, you know, I met someone new who runs a Dungeons and Dragons club at my school.” 

Dustin looks excited, “Really?” he asked. 

“Of course, man. You know I actually think I have a crush on them, believe it or not.” 

“Oh yeah? What’s her name?”

Steve smirked, “It’s actually a guy, his name’s Eddie.” 

“Woah, really?” Dustin asked, shocked. “I didn’t know you liked guys?” 

“Me neither until now. You’re okay with that though, right?” Steve asked. 

“Yeah, of course, it’s not really my business anyways.” 

Steve smiled, he knew he could trust Dustin. 

“I’m not entirely sure about my feelings though, I’ve never liked a guy before. I don’t really know how to tell if I like guys or not. I’m still trying to figure it out.” 

“Well I’m sure you’ll figure it out eventually. It shouldn’t be too hard. Just focus less on if you like guys or not and more on if you like him,” Dustin said. 

“That’s a good idea. Next year maybe you can join his club.” 

“Yeah! That’s a great idea,” Dustin said excitedly. “We can all join and then we can get to play more.” 

“Exactly.” 

“Maybe I can introduce you to him one day,” Steve said. 

“Sure! Gotta see the guy who won you over.” 

***

The next day Steve and Eddie have their review session. 

Eddie comes into the house and sets down his stuff.  “So what do you think of the new philosophy?” 

Steve thought for a moment. He wasn’t really sure what to say. The philosophy wasn’t his favorite and he wasn’t sure he knew how to apply it. 

“I’m not sure. I don’t know how there can be a whole philosophy on just researching things basically.” 

Eddie nodded. “It’s really all about verifying things. You don’t necessarily have to research things as much as you have to ask questions. Basically, everything follows the verifiability principle.” 

“Okay, and what does that mean?” 

“That a statement is only meaningful if it’s verifiable,” Eddie said. 

“I still don’t see how that can be a whole philosophy. Not everything can be proven.” 

“What can’t be proven?” Eddie asked, seeming intrigued. 

“Feelings or opinions or just things that aren’t facts,” Steve reasoned. 

Eddie looked impressed and nodded, “That’s a good point.” 

“I think I understand it but it’s definitely not my preferred philosophy. You can’t prove things like feelings.” 

“That’s true.” 

“You know there’s something I want to tell you actually,” Steve said. 

“What’s up?” 

“I was talking to Robin and she told me about bisexuality and I think I’m that.” 

Eddie looked surprised, “Wow really?” 

“I think so.” 

“Well thanks for telling me and trusting me with that,” Eddie said thoughtfully. 

“Of course. I knew I could trust you with it,”Steve said with a smile. 

“You can for sure.” 

Steve smiled. It felt nice to tell someone and he knew he could trust Eddie. He wouldn’t tell him how he probably has a crush on him though. Not yet.

Chapter Text

“So existentialism,” Eddie said that Monday during their tutoring session. “It’s the process of asking what the meaning and purpose of life is.” 

Steve nodded. It seemed easy enough, that was basically what all philosophy was; asking the meaning. 

“Everything has an essence, everything gives you meaning but also nothing gives you meaning.” 

“How can everything and nothing give you meaning?” Steve asked. 

“Well basically any meaning your life has is given by you, there is no predetermined path, and it’s all absurdity aka the search for answers in an answerless world,” Eddie said with a smile. 

Any meaning is given by you. No predetermined path. Answerless world. “Is it similar to nihilism?” Steve asked. It seemed like it could be because it’s saying everything has no meaning.

“Not quite. It’s not saying there’s no meaning, it's saying we’re searching for meaning and we ultimately choose our meaning.” 

“We choose our meaning?” Steve asked.

“Yep.” Eddie said easily. 

If we choose our meaning that means everyone’s meaning would be different.

“Is this your form of philosophy?” Steve asked. It seemed like something that Eddie connected with, it seemed similar to the thing he had hinted at when they first began the tutoring.

Eddie shook his head. “No, we still haven’t got to mine. Mine has a lot of similarities to philosophies we’ve learned but we haven’t gotten to it yet.” 

Steve nodded. “When do I get to hear yours?” 

“It’s the last one.” 

“Save the best for last, huh?” 

Eddie laughed, “Yep.” 

“So existentialism is finding the meaning of life? And it’s different for everyone?” Steve asked. 

“Existentialism is trying to find the meaning of life, yes, and the meaning is whatever you want it to be. There is no predetermined path.” 

“Are existentialists not religious?” 

“They can still be religious, they just probably don’t believe that god made people with a certain purpose.” 

Steve nodded. That made sense. So they could believe in a god, someone who made people and all things but not that they did it with a certain purpose in mind for everyone. People would pick their own purpose. “That’s interesting,” Steve said.

“I’m glad you think so.” 

Eddie had left soon after that. They went over most everything to do with existentialism. It was about finding purpose, everyone had a different purpose and it wasn’t predetermined, you had to find it yourself. Steve liked that. There was something nice about finding your own purpose. About asking yourself what you liked and what mattered to you. 

***

The next day Steve begins thinking about what will happen if he fails. If he fails this class despite Eddie’s tutoring he might fail the year, causing him to have to repeat his senior year just like Eddie himself. Eddie doesn’t seem to like repeating senior year but why would he? It’s hard and everyone knows you’re doing it. Everyone seems to look down on him for it so surely they would look down on Steve too. 

Would his parents look down on him for it? If he fails and has to repeat, would they be disappointed in him? Surely they’d be at least a little let down. What would they do? Would they still let him stay in the house? Would they be rude to him if he was allowed to stay? If he failed would he be letting them down? 

Something in Steve stopped. This wasn’t about his parents or anyone else. This was his life. It’s about him. Whether he fails or not isn’t about if he’s letting them down or if it’s embarrassing, it’s about him. 

Does he want to pass? Yeah, he does. He doesn’t want to repeat senior year, not just because it would feel bad but because it’s not what he wants to do. He doesn’t want to pass for his parents and he needs to stop thinking of doing all of this for other people. He needs to do it for himself. 

That’s why he’s doing it. He’s working hard for himself. So that he can achieve something and make himself proud. That’s what this all means to him. 

“You know Robin, I want to pass for myself,” Steve declared while he stood by her locker. 

“What?” she asked. 

“I don’t want to pass because it’s what my parents want or because others might look down on me if I fail. I want to pass because it’s what I want. That’s what it means to me right now.”

Robin closed her locker and raised an eyebrow at him. “You sound super weird right now but that sounds like a good mindset.” 

“We’re learning about existentialism and questioning our purpose this week so I was thinking about my purpose.”

“Oh, well that’s good.” The two of them began walking to lunch. “I think it’s good that you’re doing it for you, it’s your life and your grade, it shouldn’t matter what other people think of it.” 

“Exactly!” Steve declared. “It’s my life.” 

“Hey, Eddie!” Steve called out while walking towards his table. 

A few people looked at them with confused faces. He heard some whispering about why he was talking to Eddie Munson and what that could mean but he ignored it. He reached the table and Eddie’s friends seemed confused too. 

“Hey Eddie,” he said again, this time quieter as a way of greeting him. 

“Hey Steve,” Eddie said with a smile. “Guys you know Steve Harrington, I tutor him in philosophy and we’re friends now.” 

The smaller friend with freckles gave Eddie a weird look. 

“He’s a good guy, you’ll see,” Eddie assured. “Anyways, what’s up?” Eddie asked, looking back at Steve. 

“I just wanted to tell you I decided my purpose for now is gonna be graduating,” Steve said with a proud smile. 

“That’s kind of short term,” Eddie said, lifting an eyebrow. “That’s not much of a life’s purpose.” 

Steve stopped for a moment.

Maybe Eddie was right. That was a really short term purpose. It only lasted this year. What was his long term purpose? His meaning of life? 

“Yeah, I guess that’s a good point,” Steve said. “I’ll have to think about it but for now graduating is one of my purposes.” 

Eddie chuckled, not unkindly, and then spoke, “Yeah, that’s a pretty good short term goal.”

“I’m not sure how I’m supposed to find my purpose in life,” Steve said. 

“That’s hard, people spend their whole life finding their purpose. You have time to think about it, man.” 

Steve smiled, “Yeah, that’s true. So who are your friends?” 

“This is Gareth, Jeff and Frank but most people call him the freak,” Eddie said, pointing at them one by one. 

Steve frowned, “That’s not very nice.” 

“I don’t really mind, it’s kind of like an inside joke,” Frank said. 

“Oh, okay,” Steve said, still a little unsure of the nickname. He would probably stick to calling the man Frank. “Well it’s nice to meet you guys.” 

The man named Gareth still seemed confused and taken aback by Steve’s presence but greeted him back, “Yeah, nice to actually meet you too.” 

“I’ll see you later, Eds,” Steve said, about to make his way to his table with Robin. 

“See ya, man,” Eddie said with a smile. 

“Eds?” Steve heard Gareth ask in confusion as he walked away. 

***

“How am I supposed to find my purpose in life?” Steve asked Robin as they hung out at his house yet again. 

“God, I don’t know, that sounds stressful.” 

“I just want to find the point of life, you know? That’s kind of what we’re talking about in tutoring right now,” Steve explained.

“Does it have to have a point?” Robin asked. “Can’t you just be living and that be the point?” 

Steve was struck by that question. 

Can the point of life just be to live? Or to be happy? Do you have to spend a long time thinking about the deeper meaning of things or can you just decide to live? 

“Are you doing your deep thinking again?” Robin asked with a laugh. 

“Yeah,” Steve answered easily. “You made a good point, that's all, I might have to bring that up in tutoring.” 

“Oh, thanks, glad to know I’m a deep thinker.” 

“I’m glad we’re friends,” Steve blurted out. Robin seemed surprised by this admission. It had seemingly come out of nowhere and they hadn’t been super heartfelt in their chats. 

“Me too,” she said. 

Steve shook his head. She didn’t get what he meant, not fully. “I mean it. I was never really that close to many people before you. I like being close to you. You get me and you help me get myself.” 

She looked touched. A little bit close to tears but like she was fighting them. 

“I get myself more than I did before and it’s partially because you’re here to help. I like being around you.” 

Robin frowned in a touched way and pulled him into a hug that he quickly returned. “I like being around you too. I like that I can be myself around you and that you get me. You get a lot of things.” 

“I think it’s good that we’re friends. I think it’s helping us grow,” Steve said. 

Robin nodded, proud. “Enough heartfelt stuff, I don’t want to cry. Do you want to go to the video store and get a movie?” 

“Yeah, sure,” Steve said, he didn’t want to start crying either. 

Steve drove the two of them to Family Video and they walked in talking about what kind of movie they wanted to watch. They were walking down the aisles when Eddie saw them from across the store and walked over. 

“Hey guys,” he greeted happily. 

Steve turned abruptly and blushed, not expecting to see his recently discovered crush to be here. Robin turned and gained a smirk on her face. 

Oh no. She’s gonna be up to something.

“Hey Eddie.” Robin greeted. 

“Hey Eds,” Steve said with a smile. 

“Are you guys getting a movie to watch together?” Eddie asked. 

“Yeah, we’re trying to pick what kind we feel like watching,” Steve said. 

Eddie looked between the two of them with a face that Steve couldn’t decipher. “Is it a date?” he asked. 

Robin and Steve both laughed at that quickly, Robin quickly shook her head no. “No, we’re just friends, he likes someone else. Don’t you, Stevie?” she asked teasingly. She knew good and well the person he liked was Eddie. 

“Shut up,” he said bitingly. “No it’s not a date,” Steve told Eddie but ignored the rest of what she had said hoping he’d ignore it too. 

Eddie looked like he was thinking about it though which Steve hated. He didn’t want the other man to think there was someone else. As far as Steve was concerned Eddie was the only person he could think of like that. 

“You know what, do you want to join us for the movie?” Robin asked out of the blue. Steve turned to her surprised, a little annoyed because he knew she was trying to get the two of them closer but overall he didn’t mind the idea. 

“Would that be okay?” Eddie asked, looking at Steve questioningly. 

“Yeah, of course. I’d love to have you there,” he said with a smile. 

Eddie smiled back, Steve loved to see it. “Yeah, okay then, I’d love to come hang out.” 

Robin jumped up and down excitedly and Steve smiled wide. 

The three of them picked a movie together and then Eddie met them at Steve’s house. 

They all sat on the couch, Steve and Eddie next to each other. They were close enough that it made Steve a little nervous and excited. 

“You know, me and Robin were talking about finding the point of life and she brought up a good point. Do we have to find a purpose? Can’t we just live life and be happy?” Steve asked before the movie started. 

“You know there’s actually a philosophy called hedonism that would match up with that idea,” Eddie said. “We can talk about that after the movie if you want.” 

“Yeah, sure!” 

“If you do I’ll probably leave, no offense I don’t really care about the philosophy stuff,” Robin said. Though something about the face she was making led Steve to believe that she was planning on leaving just to leave the two of them alone. He knew she’d be up to something. 

During the movie Steve kept getting closer to Eddie. Robin sent him looks like she knew what he was doing which was crazy because Steve didn’t even know what he was doing. He didn’t have any particular plans by getting closer, he wasn’t trying to make a move. 

“You guys are two of the only people who know I’m bisexual, I just realized,” Steve blurted out when he realized. “I really appreciate having people I could tell.” 

“Robin helped you figure it out, right?” Eddie asked. 

“We both did in a way,” Robin said, causing Steve to jerk his head towards her with a glare. 

Eddie raised an eyebrow, “Really?” 

“Well yeah, you helped me ask a lot of questions about myself,” Steve said off the cuff trying to come up with something to throw Eddie off his scent. 

“That’s good, I’m glad I could help.” 

“Have you guys been friends? You always seemed like you knew a lot about each other from the start,” Steve said. He remembered all of the things they told him about the other back when he was first getting to know them. It was like they knew each other the whole time. 

“Not really but he was in band with me for a bit,” Robin said. 

“Before I dropped it because the music was too lame for me,” Eddie said with a laugh. “We always knew a bit about what the other had to deal with though. We always talked sometimes but we never really hung out outside of school.” 

“Yeah, this is the first time we’ve really hung out, I don’t know why it took us so long.” 

“You guys seem like you would be good friends,” Steve agreed. 

They quieted down as the movie went on. Once it ended Robin stood up. “Are you guys gonna talk about your nerd philosophy stuff now?” 

Steve looked to Eddie searchingly and nodded. “Yeah I think so.” Eddie nodded in agreement. 

“Okay, I’ll get my mom to pick me up,” she said walking towards the phone on Steve’s wall to call her. 

“So what was the philosophy?” Steve asked. 

“Hedonism,” Eddie answered. “It’s basically that seeking pleasure and happiness is the proper aim of life; like the most important aim.” 

“Well that sounds nice.” 

Eddie smirked. “You’d think but it’s commonly thought that being a hedonist means you’re too focused on seeking pleasure and you’ll do anything to get it. Someone who’s a drug addict or a sex addict or something would likely be considered a hedonist.” 

Steve frowned. “So it can’t be just like a normal search for happiness, it only means like the reckless stuff?” 

“That’s what people mostly mean when they talk about hedonism; folk hedonism where they don’t really consider their well-being.” 

“I wonder if when I was King Steve it was considered hedonism,” Steve questioned. “I kind of did that. I drank a lot and dated a bunch of girls and I didn’t really consider anyone’s well-being.” 

Eddie nodded, “It honestly sounds a bit like it. But hedonism kind of changed a bit with Jeremy Bentham, he created prudential hedonism and utilitarianism. Basically he said good or bad actions were defined only by how good they were at making people happy. Then hedonism kind of died because people started questioning what happiness really was and if it was really the only thing that we valued.” 

Steve tilted his head in question. “What do you mean?” 

“Well happiness is different for everyone and there’s different types of happiness and sometimes we achieve happiness with things that are sad. Like if you watch a sad movie for fun.” 

I guess sometimes moments of sadness lead to happiness. Like I was sad for so long after Nancy broke up with me and my friends left but I think I’m happier now. 

“That makes sense. Sometimes things can’t get better without being bad for a bit,” Steve said. 

Eddie smiled at him. “Yeah, exactly. If I hadn't failed my senior year I wouldn’t be here now.” 

Steve was shocked for a moment at the implications of that sentence. Eddie was happy to be here now? He thinks failing was worth this? 

“You’re happy to be here tutoring me?” Steve asked, looking up at Eddie kindly. 

“Yeah, I am.” 

Steve didn’t know what to do with this information. He officially knew that Eddie enjoyed tutoring him. He reached his hand out and grabbed Eddie’s arm, looking up at him with big eyes. Eddie looked back at him and went to speak. 

“Okay, my mom’s here,” Robin said, walking back into the room and interrupting their moment. Steve dropped his grasp on Eddie’s arm and the man cleared his throat awkwardly. 

“Oh,” Robin said, looking between the two of them. “Sorry.” 

“It’s fine,” Steve said. “I’ll walk you out.” Steve stood up and walked Robin to the door. Robin awkwardly waved to Eddie who waved back with a weird, soft smile on his face. 

“What was happening there?” Robin whispered at the door as she slipped her shoes back on. 

“I don’t know, he said he enjoyed tutoring me and it just felt tense.” 

“You guys were having a moment,” she said with a smile. 

“Maybe,” he replied with a giggle. “I’ll see you later.” Robin walked out of the door and jogged to her mom’s minivan and Steve walked back to Eddie on the couch who had his head in his hand. 

“You okay?” Steve asked. 

Eddie jerked up to sit up straight and nodded, “Yeah, I’m fine.” 

“So back to what we were talking about.” 

“Yeah, hedonism is kind of dead but when we look for purpose we can keep that in mind that maybe everything leads to us being happy and maybe we should just let things happen.” 

“Yeah, maybe searching for purpose is the purpose and we just have to let life happen and be happy as we get to be.” 

Eddie laughed, not unkindly, and shook his head to himself. “I swear, these are some of the deepest conversations I’ve ever had. Who would’ve thought I’d be having them with retired King Steve.” 

Steve chuckled back, “They’re definitely the deepest conversations I’ve had. I really enjoy them.” 

“I’m gonna head home myself, if that’s okay,” Eddie said, standing up and rubbing his hands up and down his jeans like he was uncomfortable. 

“Yeah, okay.” Steve said sadly. He didn’t want Eddie to leave. He likes spending time with the man and he thought they might’ve been having a moment there. Despite all this he walked the man to the door and stood there while he slipped his shoes on. 

“I’ll see you at school,” he said and then he slipped out the front door and went to his car. 

***

The next day Steve opened up his locker at second period and was surprised to already find a note from Eddie. 

Dear Stevie, 

I really like the conversations we have. No one seems to get me like you and it’s crazy that I can say that. I hope my tutoring helps you do well on this final essay we have coming up in class. I have faith in you. 

P.S.

Yesterday you got close to how I feel about life and philosophy as a whole. Next time we talk about philosophy it’ll be about my personal branch. Hope you look forward to it. 

Love, 

Eddie 

Love. I have faith in you. 

Everything about this certain note gave Steve butterflies in his stomach. Eddie had faith in him and he enjoyed their conversations. He couldn’t wait for the next time they hung out. 

***

Philosophy class came along and Steve was nervous but also confident in himself. He knew he had the ability to think deeper, he had been doing it a lot lately. It all just depended on what this essay was about and if he could get the teacher to like what he wrote too. 

“Okay class,” the teacher said, walking into the classroom at the beginning of the period. “Today is our final essay. This will be a big portion of your final grade so you should all try your best on it.”

Eddie was sitting at his desk and Steve sent him a smile and a thumbs up that the man returned. 

“The essay topic is; What is life’s purpose and is complete happiness achievable? Make sure you make references to things you’ve learned in class!”

That’s so hard! What the hell? How am I supposed to answer the purpose of life in a high school essay? 

Steve sends a disbelieving look to Eddie who looks back at him in shock and shakes his head. 

“You may begin,” Mrs. Berk said, setting a timer at the front of the class. 

Steve picked up his pencil and put it on his paper. He could do this. He had already been thinking and talking about the purpose of life. He doesn’t actually have to know it, he just has to make a good argument. 

‘What is the purpose of life,’ is a question asked by everyone. No one knows the definitive purpose of life. Is it given to us by a God? Is it given to us by ourselves? Does everyone have the same purpose or different ones? Is there a different purpose all of the time or one for all of your life? Everyone has their own perception of what purpose is. Nihilism might say there is no one purpose, which I’m inclined to agree with. Hedonism might suggest the purpose is ‘complete happiness’ which sounds nice in theory but I’m not sure is entirely achievable. Maybe some people might think the purpose is to live the best life you can, do it all the right way like the stoics believe but that sounds like a hard goal to hold yourself to. It sounds like something that might wear on you, always having to be right. 

I personally think the purpose of life is just to live. At first I thought maybe it was to be happy, to do whatever makes you happy, but I don’t think that’s it anymore. Sometimes you’re sad and sometimes you need to be sad. Being sad is part of life. It’s what gets you to the next part. 

I was sad for a bit but I feel a lot better now and I’d like to think that I’m still going, I’m still getting better. I don’t want to set one particular goal or purpose for myself because that would be limiting myself. I don’t want to limit myself. I want life to be whatever it ends up being. I’m willing to wait to see what the purpose is, to maybe find out there wasn’t one, or there were many, or that I’m still not sure. I don’t think you have to have a purpose in the end to be content with what you’ve lived. Not if you’ve let yourself live.

Everyone’s purpose in life can be different. Everyone can reach happiness in different ways. I’m choosing to not pick a purpose or a goal. I’m just going to live and be happy sometimes and sad other times and angry on occasion. I’m just going to live. I don’t know how to reach complete happiness and I may never learn. Maybe one day I’ll get there or maybe I’ll always be able to be happier. Every year of my life I’ll reach a new high or a new low and I won’t be able to recognize it until I’m past it. 

The purpose of life is to live. Complete happiness is unrecognizable and it’s a hard goal to set for yourself. I don’t want to set impossible goals for myself or define things I can’t define. That’s not what I feel I’m supposed to do. I’m not supposed to make things hard for myself. I’m supposed to take them as they come. Hopefully this is an okay answer and not considered a cop out. I’m not sure what type of philosophy I most fall under, maybe some branch of existentialism but I’m not refusing to answer, I just genuinely think we shouldn’t try to define a purpose in life or a definition of complete happiness because that sets limits. Why set limits when we can constantly reach new highs and new purposes? 

I think if you asked me a year, or even a couple months ago, what my purpose in life was I wouldn’t have even spared it a thought. That kind of thing always stressed me out. It still does a little bit but I’ve also found I like thinking about it. I like to ponder what it could all mean, if anything, but I don’t necessarily like to define it, to come to a set conclusion. I don’t think I’ll ever know what the purpose of my life, or any life is. I might not live to be as happy as I can or I could be the happiest I could possibly be and either way I may never recognize it. I think I’d like to be okay with that though. Whatever philosophy that falls under. Maybe I’ll make a new one, I think I like this stuff more than I thought. 

Recently my friend who tutors me in philosophy explained the stoic view of logic, ethics and physics to me using an egg from my fridge. I thought it was weird at the time but he made it make sense. He told me that each part was different, important in its own way, but that no one thing was more important than the other because without one the whole egg would be different. Maybe that’s not how everyone would explain stoicism but he explained it like that for me and I got exactly what he meant. I think that’s almost how I view philosophy. A lot of different important things that all matter and all make up my life. Maybe it’s silly to pick and choose your philosophy but maybe it’s also part of finding your own purpose. 

I like existentialism because I do like to think about why everything is the way it is, why I am the way I am. I like nihilism because I don’t really think life has one set purpose. I like hedonism but only because I like being happy, who doesn’t? I think I just like life, or at least the idea of life, and I like thinking about it and what it means but I don’t want to decide what it means. Complete happiness might not exist but I’m pretty happy as is. Maybe life has no meaning but my life won’t be meaningless, I won’t let it be. 

Chapter Text

“How do you think you did on the essay?” Eddie asked Steve as they walked out of the class after the bell had rung.

Steve hoped he had done well on it but he wasn’t fully sure. He hadn’t actually used a lot of evidence, it was more opinion based which makes sense because it was an argumentative, opinion essay but he wasn’t sure if the teacher would still like it. 

“I’m pretty proud of what I wrote, I think it sounded good so we’ll see what grade I get,” Steve answered. 

“Since we’re basically done with the class, do you still want to learn about my favorite type of philosophy? ‘Cause we can skip that if you want,” Eddie said looking at Steve kind of shyly, surprisingly. 

The two of them reached Steve’s locker and Steve looked at Eddie with a smile. “I still want to hear about it. I like our lessons and I’m curious about your favorite one. I think it’s about time I heard your opinions.” 

Eddie smiled at him, seeming surprised. “Yeah, okay, I’ll meet you at yours after school then.” 

“Cool,” Steve said, staring into Eddie’s eyes. He couldn’t seem to look away. Something about them made him feel so safe, especially lately. 

Eddie seemed to blush a bit before he walked away and Steve turned to his locker and opened it to get his stuff for his next class. He wasn’t alone for long though because before he could even close his locker Robin ran up to him. 

“Steve! Are you gonna spend the day with Eddie again,” she said, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. 

Steve laughed softly and closed his locker. “Yeah, I am but I doubt anything is gonna happen.” 

“Why? Have you seen the way he looks at you? It’s almost as starry-eyed as how you look at him.” 

Steve rolled his eyes at the comment partially because he doubted it and partially because he knew she was making fun of him a bit. The two of them walked to their classes and got on with their days. 

***

There was a knock at the door that alerted Steve to what was probably Eddie’s arrival. He smiled and jogged to the front door opening it for the man who stood there with his hands in his pockets.

“Hey Stevie,” he said with a smile. 

“Eds! Come on in,” Steve said, stepping aside to let him by. 

Eddie stepped in and took his shoes off as always and the two of them walked to the living room and sat on the couch. They sat right next to each other as always, pretty close as they had recently started doing. 

“Ready for the big reveal?” Eddie asked. 

“Yep, I’ve been curious this whole time.” 

“Well, my philosophy is called absurdism…” Eddie said, holding his hands wide. 

Steve sat there in confusion.

“Okay…what is that?” Steve asked. 

“I’m glad you asked! Absurdism is the belief that the universe is irrational and has no meaning!” 

Steve raised an eyebrow at him, “Isn’t that like nihilism?” 

“It’s similar,” Eddie agreed. “But it also includes the belief that searching for meaning can cause problems and that it’s easier to just accept that life is absurd and also embrace all of the absurdity that happens in life.” 

That’s almost a lot like what I was saying in my essay! You can’t control life. Things just happen and you don’t know what’s going to happen so it’s easier just not to ask. Better to take life as it comes at you than ponder about what it should be. You can’t control what you’ll get but you can control what you do with it. Have me and Eddie had the same life philosophy this whole time and I just didn’t know? 

“That makes a lot of sense,” Steve said. “I said something similar in my essay.” 

Eddie smiled wide, “You did? How do you feel about the meaning of life?” 

“I don’t think there is one. I think life has a million different meanings at different times for different people and it’s better to just live life as it’s given to you.” 

Eddie released a deep breath and looked incredibly proud. It was nice to see. If Steve was honest he didn’t see people proud of him often. 

“Is that kind of how you feel?” Steve asked. 

Eddie nodded. “I think it’s impossible to find the answers we want so we should just accept that it’s nonsense.” 

Steve chuckled, “Nonsense?” 

“Nonsense!” Eddie agreed. “Things happen that make no sense. I failed senior year even though I pay more attention than some of the people there. People think they can beat me up because they’re under the impression I’m a satanist but they’re the only ones hurting people. We can’t control life and life doesn’t have a reason for the things it does.” Eddie stands up and begins pacing the room. 

“Life doesn’t care about us, it takes people away from us, it gives us problems, it fucks with us, it can be awful.” Eddie stops pacing and turns to Steve. “But life can also be fun. It can introduce you to a bunch of guys who want to be in a band with you. It can show you a game that you love, that makes you actually enjoy something you wouldn’t think you would. And…” Eddie looks at Steve long and hard. “It makes you get close to someone you assumed you’d hate.” Eddie smirked. “And it turns out they’re amazing. They become one of your favorite people.” 

Steve takes a deep breath. 

Does he mean me? It seems like he means me…

“It turns out they’re this awesome person with a huge heart and super similar opinions on life and it’s like for a moment maybe life does have a plan. Maybe it was planned for this to happen.” Eddie kneels in front of Steve and grabs his hand. 

“But I don’t think it was planned. I think it was just this crazy thing that happened and I’m so fucking glad it did.”

Steve nearly wanted to cry. He was sure at this point that the person Eddie was referring to was him and he was honored. He felt the same, he was so glad to have met Eddie. Yeah he had to fail his class to get to this point but he didn’t care. It was just like he had said, you take everything that happens because it leads to the next. 

“I know exactly what you mean,” Steve said with a sniffle. 

“Would you say you’re an absurdist then?” Eddie asked, standing up and going to sit down next to Steve again. Something in him mourned the closeness they had. 

“Yeah, I think so, I like the sound of it.” 

“You know I was talking about you, right? You’re one of my favorite people now,” Eddie said, stroking Steve’s arm softly. 

“I figured and thank you. You’re one of mine. Though, I feel like I should almost be offended that you thought you would hate me,” Steve said with a laugh. 

Eddie chuckled, “I didn’t know you then, turns out I’m a little more judgmental than I thought.” 

“This summer is about to be here, are you okay with hanging out then?” Steve asked, looking up at Eddie with big eyes. 

“Absolutely! What would the summer be without one of my favorite people?”

***

One of the last days of school Steve was pulled aside by his philosophy teacher, Mrs. Berk. 

“Steve, can I speak to you for a moment?” she asked at the end of class while everyone was walking out. 

“Yeah, of course,” Steve said, stepping aside to stand near her desk. 

“You showed a lot of improvement on your latest essay, Steve. I saw a lot of philosophical thinking in it.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah. I mean, it wasn’t perfect. You didn’t really name any philosophers or go into too much detail about the different types of thought but…I liked what you had to say. I can tell you get it.” She smiled at him, kinder than she had the whole rest of the year. “You get it enough to form your own opinions and to mix and match other types of philosophy to do your own thing. I’d say that’s some good philosophical thinking.” 

“Really,” Steve asked hopefully, letting himself get a little excited at the prospect of passing. 

“Yeah. I can’t give you a perfect grade but…I can give you a B+ which is enough to pass the class.”

Steve immediately began jumping up and down which broke a small laugh out of Mrs. Berk. “Thank you so much! Oh I can’t wait to tell Eddie!” 

Her face fell a bit. “Eddie Munson?” 

“Yeah! He was my tutor, he’s awesome, he’s the whole reason I even did as well as I did. He’s gonna be so excited.” 

She smiled at him but it seemed strained. “Just…I shouldn’t be telling you this but I assume if you’re close you’ll be finding out. Eddie is being held back another year.”

Steve’s heart stopped. He had known how much Eddie struggled, that he’d been held back before but the Eddie he knew was so smart he couldn’t imagine it happening again. He couldn’t understand it.

“Mrs. Berk, that’s not fair! Eddie is so smart, he’s smarter than half of the people here. It's just that no one wants to give him the benefit of the doubt or even a spare thought! This is horrible-”

“It’s not my call, Steve. He passed my class with flying colors, he’s one of my favorite students, I vouched for him but…some of the teachers.” She paused, taking a breath. “He didn’t pass all of his classes, he skipped a lot of gym, he’s involved in fights. They just decided he needed to stay another year.” 

Steve scoffed. “They’re punishing him. I bet he still has better grades than some of the douchebags on the football team, or the basketball team. I bet he’s not even the worst in this school.” He shook his head, eyes welling up against his will. “He’s involved in fights because people are targeting him. He doesn’t…he doesn’t do things the way people want him to and they can’t accept there’s more than one way to do something. There’s more than one way to live.”

“Steve-”

“This isn’t fair!” Steve said, raising his voice to a near yell. The door to her classroom was still open so some students had slowed to a stop, not even trying to hide that they’re eavesdropping. “He deserves to get out of here! I don’t know why everyone wants to keep him here so bad when they hate him! Are they keeping him here so people can just beat him up and harass him forever? So they can force him to be a certain way?” 

“I don’t know, Steve…I don’t think-” 

Steve didn’t let her finish. He didn’t care. He walked out of the classroom, pushing the shameless viewers as he did. It didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that he passed or that he was going to graduate, none of it mattered anymore because what was he going to do without Eddie? They didn’t have any plans, weren’t going to bunk together at college or anything but Steve wasn’t gonna just let him go. 

He couldn’t do that. 

Eddie. Does he know?

He had to find him. 

—

“Have you seen Eddie?” Steve asked when he found Robin at her locker. 

“Um, no, not today. Did you hear about your essay yet?” 

Steve just waved her off. “It’s not important right now. I gotta talk to Eddie.” 

“Steve, what’s going on?” Robin asked, seeming worried. “Has he left you a note recently? Or do you have his number?” 

A note.

Steve took off towards his locker and Robin didn’t sound happy to be deserted with no knowledge of what was going on but Steve yelled over his shoulder, “I’ll tell you later,” and hoped that helped enough. 

He reached his locker and opened it, a new note fluttering to the floor just like always. Steve picked it up.

Dear Stevie,

I wanted to thank you for believing in me. I always thought it was weird that you picked me to be your tutor. Your explanation kind of made sense but also not really. Over time though it just kind of felt like you believed in me. Like you thought I was smart. You’re one of the only people who’s ever thought that, I think. Thanks for listening to me ramble about philosophy, I actually like it a lot but I’m sure you know that by now. It kinda seems like you like it too. I’m really glad I agreed to be your tutor and not just because of the extra money it put in my pocket. I’m not sure what I’m gonna do; if I’ll drag myself back to Hawkins High for a third senior year, if I’ll drop out and get my GED, if I’ll figure something else out. I really hope I helped you pass though. I think that’d make it better. I hope you can get out of Hawkins, out of the expectations that people have of you, I think you’re gonna be great out there. I think they’re gonna love you.

Love, 

Eddie 

P.S.

The tutor failing his senior year is ironic isn’t it? Life is so absurd that sometimes it just feels plain stupid and cruel. 

Steve finished the note and put it in his pocket for once. He wiped away a few tears that fell and sent a rude look to the guy next to him that was judging him for crying over a note. He quickly gathered all of the past notes and shoved them in his pockets before slamming his locker shut and taking off towards the back door to the school. Part of him hoped that maybe Eddie would be out there, like he had been before. 

The door slammed into the wall behind him and he quickly scanned his surroundings, catching sight of Eddie in the same spot he’d found him when he got beat up. He had his head in his hands much like then too. Steve approached quietly even though just a second before he’d been so loud. Eddie didn’t seem to notice either way. 

“Eds…” he began, nervous. “Mrs. Berk…she told me,” he didn’t know how to begin. “She told me they’re holding you back again?” 

A small sob came from Eddie at the mention and he felt awful. He felt so bad. Eddie didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve any of this. 

“Do you wanna come back to my place? We can just…hang out and talk. We don’t have to talk about it but we can talk, okay? About whatever you want.”

Eddie lifted his head slightly, wiping his tears with the sleeve of his leather jacket. “Anything?”

“Yeah, anything you want,” Steve said, nodding, approaching the situation as gently as he could. He couldn’t imagine how Eddie felt. He seemed so hopeless before, so stuck, and he can’t imagine this isn’t the worst news he could have heard. 

Eddie sniffled a few more times and stood up, not making eye contact with Steve yet. “Yeah, okay, but I’ll probably just end up talking about Dungeons and Dragons.”

Steve released a small, admittedly teary laugh. “I’m counting on it, come on.” He wrapped his arm around the other man and they walked off towards Steve’s car. Luckily the school day wasn’t over so no one was outside to judge Eddie further but he thinks if they were Steve would’ve lost it on them, on everyone. But he didn’t have to do that right now, he had to help Eddie first. 

—

Eddie had been talking about Dungeons and Dragons for about an hour now. Apparently they had a campaign coming up to celebrate the end of Eddie’s senior year. Eddie didn’t want to talk about what that meant for the campaign now. He just talked about his plans. Steve barely understood a word and he wondered when they’d get to the real issue but he let him speak nonetheless. 

They were sitting on Steve’s couch in what might as well be their assigned seats. Eddie was sitting with his legs crossed, he was wearing some comfortable sweats Steve gave him and he looked very small. Steve just sat there with him, rubbing the other man’s knee with his thumb absentmindedly. 

It seemed Eddie came to a stopping point or maybe he was just ready to stop. “What’d you get on the essay?” 

Steve didn’t know if this meant Eddie was ready to talk about it or just about Steve so he carried on anxiously. “I passed. It wasn’t perfect, I got a B+. It was all thanks to you, really.” 

Eddie waved his hand dismissively. “I just helped, like a good teacher would. You were always capable of thinking that way. I just don’t think you were letting yourself.” 

Steve gave a sad smile. “Yeah, you’re right. I wasn’t.” 

“So what are you gonna do?” Eddie asked, finally meeting Steve’s eyes. 

“What do you mean?” 

Eddie rolled his eyes with a smirk. “What are you gonna do next? Where are you gonna go?”

“Eds-”

“Oh, come on, humor the three-time-senior! Just…tell me what you want to do.”

Steve didn’t know. He hadn’t thought that far ahead. He had only really started thinking deeply in general very recently, he had no clue what he wanted in the bigger picture, said as much in his essay. So he allowed himself time to think about it, to dream about it. 

I could leave. I could get out of Hawkins and get a job somewhere or go to a community college. Maybe convince my parents into letting me use some of their money to travel aimlessly and spend a gap year just thinking about what I want to do. None of it feels right though…I hate Hawkins, more than I ever have but there are people here that I love. The kids, obviously, they’re about to start their freshman year, no way I’d get to see them if I left the state. I would miss Lucas’ basketball games, because of course he’s gonna make the team. I’d miss whatever Dustin got up to. There was Robin too. We’ve gotten so close and I really like her. She’s my best friend, probably, but for once there’s tight competition for who takes the title. Then there was Eddie. 

Steve looked into Eddie’s eyes once again. The sparkle he always saw there was obscured by the tears that hadn’t seemed to stop welling in his eyes no matter how much he talked about DnD. It was still there though. At that moment Steve made his decision. 

“Think I’m gonna stick around for a bit. Think about it some more.” 

Eddie’s face dropped. “Steve-”

“What? I have a lot to stick around for. I have people here I care about.”

“Come on, man. You can’t stay here just ‘cause I’m a failure.” 

“You’re not a failure,” Steve said softly. As much as he wanted to yell it, to make sure Eddie knew he wasn’t a failure, he also knew that wouldn’t help. He knew Eddie had enough people yelling at him to be better and he just needed someone who already believed he was good. “You’re not a failure because you failed one thing.”

“Three things.”

“No, one thing and you only failed twice. You know how much there is to life? How many years you have left? This is nothing. This is one thing. You haven’t failed. You’re not a failure. You’re not even close to being able to call yourself one, not on my watch.”

A tear fell from Eddie’s eye, he began looking away from Steve again. It’s probably hard to hear on some level, hard to accept even if it’s what he wants to hear.

“Besides, I’m not just staying for you. I have Robin and the kids too. I’ll figure something out.” 

Eddie stayed quiet for a moment before he said, “and if I fail again?” 

“Don’t think that far ahead. Just figure out what you want to do right now, okay? There’s still options, you’re not stuck. Plan for what’s next, we’ll figure out the rest as it comes up.” Steve hadn’t stopped rubbing Eddie’s knee with his thumb. He was surprised Eddie hadn’t stopped him.

“We’ll figure it out?” Eddie asked, emphasis on the we part. 

“Yeah, the two of us. I’m already staying. I might as well help you figure it out. I still have stuff to figure out too.”

Eddie scoffed and shook his head. “This is all so stupid,” he sounded tearful again. Like he wasn’t trying to hold back the tears anymore. “It shouldn’t be this hard. So many people do it, why can’t I? You know?” 

Steve nodded, “I get it.”

“But you did it! You got your grade up and you passed and you can leave!” He wiped his eyes again. “And I’m happy about it. I’m so proud of you. It just…it sucks so bad because I wanted to do it too, I wanted to do it together.” 

Steve found himself fighting tears of his own. Eddie wasn’t very open about how close they were. In the grand scheme of things he wasn’t sure if he meant as much to Eddie as Eddie meant to him. But he also didn’t really care. He loved him either way.

“I know. I do too. We still can.” 

“How,” Eddie asked, clearly exhausted and near hysteria. “How am I ever gonna get out of this town?” 

“I don’t know. Maybe we’re not supposed to know yet. This is just another one of those stupid things life throws at us and we just have to pick it up and go on.” 

Eddie sighed. “I’m so tired of life throwing things at me.” 

Steve stopped rubbing Eddie’s knee with his thumb in favor of grasping it with his hand. “Life throws good things at you too, sometimes. It’s not all bad, you know that. You told me it yourself the other day.” 

Eddie kept wiping at his face with his hands. “Why do I get so much bad shit?”

“I don’t know,” Steve began honestly. “I don’t think there’s like a higher power or some kind of force that’s trying to screw you over but I also know it’s not your fault. Some people in this town are holding you back. Sometimes life just deals a cruel hand for no reason. Sometimes I wonder if the best people are made to suffer more, it feels like it sometimes. Like the people I love the most have to deal with so much shit that the dickheads I knew never even had to consider. It’s not fair.” 

Eddie shook his head, crying harder, “it’s not fair.” 

“But you’re gonna get through it. I think that’s what makes you one of the best people I know. Is that you deal with all of this shit and then you get through it. You’re still kind, you’re still you. I think some of the people I knew, who didn’t go through any bad shit, didn’t even know who they were. They’re just floating through life, clueless and empty. I was the same way. I didn’t try to change until some shit that sucked happened.” 

Eddie chuckled. 

“I mean it, man. I was lost before. I didn’t know who I liked, or what I liked, or what I wanted to do, or who I wanted to be. Nothing.” Steve chuckled to himself now. “I still don’t know all of it. But I know some of it, and that’s better than nothing.” 

Eddie hummed in agreement. 

“I know that I like philosophy. No one saw that one coming.” 

Eddie smiled then, a real smile aimed at Steve. 

“I mean it, who would’ve thought? Steve Harrington, a philosophical thinker! Not me, not Mrs. Berk, no one at school, not my parents, I’m sure. But I like philosophy.” 

Steve wasn’t really thinking about what he wanted to say. What he wanted to do next. All he knew was what he liked, who he liked, maybe that was guidance enough to make a choice. 

“I like absurdism. I think you’re right. I think everything is stupid. I think life is nonsense and it makes no sense!” This drew another chuckle from Eddie who was listening intently. Staring at Steve all the while. “I worked to get that philosophy grade, I got a tutor, well…I made you tutor me.” 

“I was being paid fairly,” Eddie interjected with a smile. 

“And I got the grade,” Steve continued on. “I got it, I passed and I could leave. I could leave Hawkins and do…whatever! But the crazy thing is I don’t even want to anymore, not without you.” 

Eddie’s gaze softened and it still looked like he was about to cry but Steve carried on.

“I don’t know, maybe that’s silly. Maybe I haven’t known you long enough but I don’t even care.” 

“No offense, Stevie, this is all beautiful, but are we nearing a point?” 

Steve rolled his eyes. “Yes, thank you very much. I have several points.” 

“Yeah, okay, I’m excited to hear them.” 

“I couldn’t have said any of that before. Maybe I couldn't even have thought of it. You’re right I didn’t let myself think. It’s not like you taught me how to think but you helped me let myself do it. It means a lot to me, to be able to word what I’m thinking a little better, to be able to think it and feel like it’s not stupid!”

“It was never stupid,” Eddie interrupted again. 

Steve just smirked at him and continued, not letting him distract him from his several points.

“But now it doesn’t feel like it is. Life is stupid. It makes no sense but I don’t have to make sense of all of it, I just have to live it. So here are the final points,” Steve said, nearing a finish. 

Eddie waved his arm out welcomingly.

“Life is absurd. There’s nothing I can do to change that. I’m also okay with that, because sometimes absurd is awesome. Sometimes absurd is asking the school freak to tutor me in philosophy and then falling in love with him and staying in a town I hate just so I get to stay with him a little longer.” 

It was really quiet then. Eddie looked…surprised maybe, confused even. 

“I didn’t actually know what I wanted before, I just thought I had to pass and I did. So now I can move on. What does Steve Harrington want? I’m still not sure but I want you to be there. I want Robin to be there, I want the kids to be there, and right now you’re all here in Hawkins. So if you’re here, I’m here.” 

“But you hate Hawkins.” 

“Who doesn’t hate Hawkins? Think of it like this; I can either leave Hawkins and have no one there I love and not even know what I want, or I can stay here and be with the people I love and figure out what I want with them by my side. I’ve survived Hawkins for 18 years. I can do it one more.” 

“Very logical of you.” 

“Oh yeah, and there’s ethics and physics involved too,” Steve said with a chuckle. 

Eddie sat there for a moment, pondering, thinking to himself like he let Steve do all those times. He was a little nervous, if he was honest, about the elephant in the room. The declaration of love they’d brushed past so far for the sake of the argument. Steve had no clue how Eddie felt about that part. He thinks he’d stay no matter what though. 

“Did I hear that part right?” 

Steve smirked. “Which part?” He knew which part. 

Eddie gave him a pointed look and nothing else. 

“Yeah, you did. I included you in the list of people I love for a reason.” He felt very bold, very courageous. He’s not sure if he’s ever been this honest with anyone, told anyone so many of his deep feelings. Robin a little but not like this. 

Eddie smiled then. He still looked a bit sad, a bit weighed down by reality and that probably wouldn’t change, at least not for a bit. He’d have to figure out the next steps, they both would, but they’d do it. 

“I love you too, you know?” 

“I honestly wasn’t sure,” Steve said softly but his brain was buzzing with the new information. His cheeks felt like they were on fire and were undoubtedly red. He was thrilled. 

“I thought I was very obvious. You caught me checking you out like week two.” 

Steve had almost forgotten about that. “Well…yeah but I didn’t really think much of it. I wasn’t sure how you felt.” 

Eddie’s face gained a weird look he hadn’t seen before. Maybe determined? He wasn’t sure but the man sat up straight and turned fully towards Steve. 

Steve got to look in those big sparkly eyes again. 

“Then I’ll tell you. I’ve always liked you, even when I didn’t know anything about you for real. Then you turned out to be a great guy, one of my favorite people and I was so screwed. I love talking about philosophy and life with you. You’re right, we barely know each other. I was hoping you’d succeed and get to leave but I was also terrified you’d leave me and I’d never know what happened. Or what could happen. So maybe it’s selfish but I’m kind of thrilled you’re staying.” 

Steve smiled. 

“We’ll figure it out, we’ll get to know each other more and we’ll roll with the punches. I’m up for it if you are.” 

Steve grabbed his hand then. “I’m up for it.”

Chapter Text

By the time summer hit Steve and Eddie had some things figured out. Still not everything but no one can ever figure everything out, they’d come to terms with that. Eddie decided he’d give senior year one last try, third time’s a charm and all that. It also helped that he had met the kids and loved them, which of course made Steve very happy. Eddie decided he could help them their first year in high school, help them get acclimated and give them somewhere to go. Hellfire was gonna be up and running and the boys were excited.

For now, Steve and Eddie had gotten part time jobs at the new mall that had opened up. Steve didn’t necessarily like his job much but he couldn’t imagine he’d find much better. He got to work with Robin, which he loves. They’re closer than ever and it makes Steve sad he won’t get to hang out with her everyday once school starts back. He kind of hates his uniform though, the little sailor suit — and the hat ruins his best feature, if you ask him. 

“Hey, dingus,” Robin shouted from the back of Scoops Ahoy Ice Cream shop, jolting Steve out of his thoughts. 

“What?” 

“Can Eddie give me a ride home today since he drove you today?” 

Steve rolled his eyes and pushed past the swinging door to go to the employees only section. “You’d have to ask Eddie, Robin, I don’t know what his plans are.”

“That’s surprising being that his plans always seem to involve you,” she said, giving him a smug smile. 

He blushed, she was admittedly right. Ever since Steve’s not-so-grand love declaration the boys had been pretty much inseparable. Steve went to Corroded Coffins’ band practices, Eddie hung out with Steve and the kids, they did most things together. So sue them, they’re in love. 

“Okay, he probably could but you still have to ask him,” he said, rolling his eyes and sighing softly.

“I will. When will your lover boy get here anyway?” 

Steve went to look at the watch on his wrist when he heard the front door to the shop slam open and the ding go off to alert them. “That would be him.” 

“Hello? Where’s my sailor greeting?” Eddie shouted from the front, leaning over the counter obnoxiously. The shop was closed though so Steve didn’t mind much. He walked out the door and sent a smirk to the man.

“Ahoy, Eddie, would you like to set sail on this ocean of flavor with me? I’ll be your captain-” 

“Steve Harrington, yeah I’m familiar,” Eddie said, laughing. “My favorite flavor in the whole shop, especially in those shorts,” he said, peeking over the counter again and causing Steve to laugh. 

“Gross!” Robin shouted from the back.

“You’re just jealous, Buckley,” he shouted back at her. He lowered his voice, “you do look great though, you gotta keep the costume.” 

Steve blushed and rolled his eyes, “I look stupid, don’t lie.”

“You could never look stupid, it’s impossible.” He smiled at him, that sparkle in his eyes drawing Steve in again. “You ready to go?” 

“Almost, still closing up. Robin has a favor to ask though.” 

“Yes, I do,” she said, turning off the lights in the back room and walking to the front of the store. “Could you drive me home? Usually Steve does but since you brought him here I’m stranded.” 

“A sailor lost at sea, you say?” 

Robin groaned while Steve laughed and finished cleaning up. 

“Yeah, I can drop you off before Steve, no sweat,” Eddie said.

“Wouldn’t it be easier to drop me off after Steve?” 

“I’m kidnapping Steve back to my place, actually, so no.” 

Steve giggled as he finished up turning off the lights and grabbing his keys, “I didn’t know I was getting kidnapped tonight.”

“Oh for sure, is that okay?”

“Absolutely,” he smiled at the two of them. Staying in Hawkins might have its downsides but it was worth it. “Let’s go, I gotta lock up.” The three of them exited the shop and Steve locked the door behind them.

“What’s the plan for tonight?” Steve asked Eddie as they all walked towards the mall exit. 

“A little smoking, a little relaxing, a lot of wooing-” 

“That’s all I need to hear, thanks,” Robin interjected, making the two of them laugh. 

—

After they dropped Robin off and arrived at Eddie’s trailer they got settled on Eddie’s couch, a new normal spot for them. Steve was wearing some of Eddie’s pajamas that the man had given him for when he stayed over. The two of them were cuddled up, they had already smoked outside and were even cozier because of it. 

“This is the best,” Steve said, admittedly sounding dreamy. 

Eddie chuckled, “we do this all the time,” but he smiled, obviously agreeing. 

“I know but it’s nice every time. I’m glad I stayed.” 

“Yeah, me too,” Eddie said, burying his head in Steve’s chest. “Very, very glad.” 

Steve ran his fingers through Eddie’s hair, occasionally getting them caught in tangles that he softly fixed. 

Eddie hummed softly to himself before lifting his head and looking at Steve. “You know Kierkegaard?” 

“Not personally, he’s been dead for a bit,” Steve joked, causing Eddie to lightly slap his leg. “I know of him, yes.”

“A while ago I was reading some of his stuff and I kind of realized that I was a little…nihilistic about love, I guess you could say.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I thought it was something that would never be in the cards for me.”

Steve nodded, “I can’t blame you.”

“But I read this quote of his that really stuck with me. He said, ‘one must believe in love; otherwise one will never become aware that it exists.’”

“That’s kind of sweet,” Steve said, letting the words repeat in his mind. 

“Yeah…I think it’s still possible for love to find you even if you don’t believe in it but…you definitely have to be willing to believe in it to really feel it.”

“Yeah, that makes sense…” The two of them smiled at the other fondly and resumed their cuddling position, sighing contently.