Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Makoto stands in front of the strange house, trying to figure out just what he might be getting himself into. The house doesn’t look like it could be a meth lab, or belong to a bunch of black market dealers that might harvest his kidneys. The front yard looks a little overgrown and there’s a tower of pizza boxes next to the rubbish bins, but the fence around it looks freshly painted and a plastic pink flamingo smiles over at him from where it’s been poked into the lawn. No one who owns a flamingo could be bad right? Makoto looks at the numbers on the mailbox and double checks the address on the ad he has printed out. The ink is slightly smudged from his sweaty hands, but it’s still legible.

Wanted: Vocalist for up and coming indie band. Must be enthusiastic, a team player, suited to a rock style, and looking to have a fun time. Prior experience is ideal, but not necessary. Auditions will be held Saturday at 67 Samezuka Ct. Any questions email Rin at [email protected] .

Makoto triple checks the address on the ad and the one on the mailbox. His mum had been telling him for months that he needed to get out. “You should get experiences”, she had complained. Makoto’s days consisted of waking up, attending his education classes at university, then coming home to do homework only to repeat the process the next day. As much as he hates to admit it, his mum is right. His days are monotonous and the loneliness has started to affect every aspect of his life. Getting out of bed is harder and attending classes is difficult when you don’t really have a connection to any of the students in them. He’s just another face among the hundreds. Sure, he has some friends, but their interactions stay at school. Their friendship never trickles into Makoto’s actual life. And he’s bored. Makoto had been an active high school student, captaining the swim club and volunteering at the local aquatic centre. All his free time now is driving him antsy, and only serves to remind him further that he is desperately lonely. None of the clubs at school hold any interest for him, so he had started to browse the wanted ads. Maybe a job would help fill his time? And his empty wallet. And a job would help him meet more people. That’s when Makoto had first seen it. The ad for some garage band he knew nothing about, wanting a vocalist. Best case scenario: the ad was real but the band would be a joke. They’d have dreams of grandeur with no actual desire to commit or work at it. Worst case scenario? Well, Makoto had read far too many internet articles on how much his organs were worth on the street.

This is ridiculous. Makoto thinks. I can’t do this. This is crazy. I’m not talented enough even if they are serious. Makoto drags his feet towards the garage where he can hear muffled voices. He raises a hand to knock, then hesitates. What if they’re all 50 or something? Makoto worries. What if it’s just a group for dads undergoing their mid-life crisis?! But then a loud crash sounds from inside the garage, followed by a voice shrieking “Nagisa!”. The voice is male, but doesn’t sound particularly old. And there’s giggling from someone else, probably this Nagisa person. Middle-aged men do not giggle. Makoto breathes, raises his fist again, and knocks.

“I’ll get it!” The giggling voice yells, but a gruff one cuts him off.

“Oi! It’s my house, you can’t just let people into my house.” The voice hisses. “Yeah?” The rough voice calls out. After a pause Makoto assumes the voice is talking to him.

“Uh… My name’s Makoto?... I uh… I saw your ad?... For a singer?” Makoto keeps his voice steady.

“Oh shit, yeah.” The voice softens and the garage roller door starts to pull up. Makoto feels like he’s on display, as the door rolls up like a curtain, revealing him in the bright afternoon sunlight whilst the band sits in the dark of the garage. Makoto tries to adjust his eyes to take in what’s in front of him. A young man walks out of the gloom. An electric guitar hangs around his hips, pulling down his already low jeans. He wears a deep necked tank top, exposing one of his arms that is covered in a detailed tattoo of an underwater scene. When he steps into the sunlight, his bright red hair glows in the afternoon rays.

“I’m Rin.” He puts his hand forward. Makoto takes it. “Rin Matsuoka.”

“Makoto Tachibana.” Makoto smiles and Rin exposes his sharp teeth with a grin.

“I’m the founder, and lead guitarist.” He lets go of Makoto’s hand. He falls back into the garage, gesturing for Makoto to follow. Makoto’s eyes manage to adjust, and he can see several more guys sitting behind instruments or adjusting levels on amps. Rin points to a blonde boy with a wild smile, who clings to another member of the band.

“That’s Nagisa.” Rin rolls his eyes. “He’s our drummer. And his long suffering boyfriend there is Rei.” Rei corrects his glasses that have been knocked askew and peels Nagisa off of him.

“Nice to meet you, Makoto.” His speech and handshake are a bit too formal, but his smile is soft and shy.

“He’s our keyboardist, mixer, supporting guitarist…. He kinda does whatever we can’t.” Rin shrugs.

“I’ve read up on all the conventional instruments and have mastered the technique of piano, violin, guitar, cello and clarinet.” Rei smiles politely. Makoto suddenly feels very intimidated. Makoto can sing in the shower… and that’s it.

“No brass instruments though.” Nagisa laughs from where he’s skipped over to Rei’s side. Rei flushes and sputters.

“I…I’ll get it! They’re just proving to be trickier than I thought.”

Rin smiles, but turns his attention over to a young man who walks over from one of the amps. His silky hair is dark and startling blue eyes peek out from beneath it. A bass guitar sits around his waist and he wears a loose, white t-shirt with a cute dolphin on the front. It doesn’t match his cold stare at all.

“This is Haru. He’s our bass guitarist.”

Haru nods and Makoto nods back.

“So have you done this before?” Rin grins. Makoto suddenly finds the hem of his shirt incredibly interesting.

“Ummmm…. No, not really. I like it though… singing that is.” Makoto can feel his face heating up with so many eyes on him. He’s relieved to see that every member of the band is around his age, and all guys too, but everyone there is still intimidating. Rin is effortlessly cool, while Rei carries himself with assured confidence. Nagisa clearly doesn’t give a shit about what anyone thinks, and Haru…. Well.. Haru had definitely nailed the quiet and mysterious look. Makoto grimaces at his glasses and plaid shirt.

“That’s ok. What do you do then, Makoto?” Rin asks, hooking his guitar up to one of the amps.

“I’m studying education. At university.” Makoto feels compelled to follow Rin further into the garage.

“You wanna be a teacher, Mako-chan?” Nagisa chirps. Makoto balks at the shortening of his name, but continues on.

“Yeah, I really like kids. The most singing I do nowadays is actually to pre-schoolers,” Makoto laughs and Rin lightly punches him in the arm.

“Well let’s see if your singing is as perfect as that smile of yours.” He grins. The sharp teeth still set Makoto on edge,  but he blushes and nods. He pulls a cd out of his backpack.

“I brought a backing track. That ok?

“Of course.” Rin purrs. Haru walks over and takes the cd from him to play through their sound system.

“You said rock right?” Makoto stutters at Rin. Rin nods.

“Don’t scream though.”

“I won’t.” Makoto chuckles.

Makoto sings and tries to focus on a spot on the back wall. He isn’t confident enough yet to actually sing to anyone yet, but he makes sure that that spot on the back wall knows exactly what he’s feeling. Makoto is sometimes self conscious of his higher voice, especially with being such a tall guy, but it has its advantages for reaching those difficult notes. He knows his range is probably wider than most. When the song ends, he finally tears his eyes away from the wall and glances at the members of the band. Rei and Nagisa beam up at him in awe, and Rin’s mouth is spread into a wide, predatory grin. Haru’s lips have only lightly parted, but his blazing eyes are wide.

“Was that…?” Makoto pants. His hands make their way back to the hem of his shirt.

“Beautiful.” Rei breathes, and Nagisa nods vigorously next to him. Rin lets out a low laugh and steps forward. He holds his hand out towards Makoto again, who shakes it firmly.

“We rehearse Thursdays and Sundays. That alright with you?” He asks. Makoto takes a sharp breath.

“So you like me?” Makoto pants. His knees still shake and his palm on Rin’s starts to sweat profusely.

“If you want it, you’ve got it.” Rin smiles. Makoto lets out a breathy laugh and rubs the back of his neck.

“Yes! Yes of course!” He laughs. He feels light and the butterflies in his stomach flutter with excitement. “So Thursday?”

“Thursday.” Rin repeats.

Makoto arrives back at the garage on Thursday morning vibrating with nerves. He still wears his glasses, but decides to wear his black jeans and a fitted t-shirt to try and fit in a bit more. Of course Makoto would never change his identity, but a slight wardrobe tweak couldn’t hurt. Rin welcomes Makoto into the garage again and they quickly set about to work. Rei and Nagisa are busy playing with some percussion loops, whilst Rin runs Makoto through some of their original songs and covers. He pulls out well worn sheets of music with lyrics hastily scribbled on them, and takes Makoto through them slowly, strumming on his acoustic guitar. Haru sits next to them noiselessly, just observing the education.

“We’re called ‘Future Fish’ by the way. I don’t think I told you that.” Rin looks up from the music. It takes Makoto several beats to realize what he’s talking about.

“That’s the band name?” He laughs, but not rudely. Rin rolls his eyes and smiles.

“It went to a vote. I lost. ‘Future Fish’ was Haru’s idea.”

“It’s cute. I like it.” Makoto turns to Haru, and is shocked when the young man actually speaks.

“Thanks.”

Makoto’s eyes widen and he quickly glances at Rin, who smirks back at him.

“What? Did you think he was mute?”

“N…No! Sorry, I was just surprised.” Makoto looks apologetically at Haru, who appears unperturbed.

“It’s fine.” He shrugs.

“C’mon, I’ll take you through this one now.” Rin flips another piece of sheet music and begins to guide Makoto through the melody.

Several songs later, Makoto can’t help but wonder why he’s there. Rin has a raspy and sexy singing voice, that could easily take center stage if it wanted to. So why had they advertised for the position?

“Rin?” Makoto starts. “Why…why aren’t you the lead singer? You have a great voice.”

“Ah… well…” Rin casts his eyes downward and flushes. “I just… sometimes…”

“Rin can only do one thing at a time.” Haru finishes. “He’s simple like that.” And Makoto doesn’t exactly see it, but he can feel the sneer coming through in Haru’s words. This guy is actually kinda funny.

Next to him, Rin is glowing red and bristling.

“Haru!...” He looks like he would probably say some very unsavoury comments, but he glances back at Makoto, the attractive young guy that he desperately needs to be in his band, and calms himself down.

“But yeah…” He deflates. “I have a really hard time playing guitar and singing. It’s stupid, but if I do one I forget to do the other.”

“That’s understandable. I can’t play an instrument at all, so I’m impressed with you just managing to do that.” Makoto smiles and Rin eases back into his calm demeanour.

“So… Did you used to sing? Or are you guys just starting out?” Makoto wonders.

“Nah, nah.” Rin plucks out the next few chords he needs to teach Makoto. “My boyfriend used to sing, but it was just a temporary thing.” He sighs. “He’s gotten too busy with his business now.”

“What’s he do?”

“Tattoo artist.” And Rin flashes his tattooed arm at Makoto. The way the water has been coloured is very impressive, and there are a couple of different sharks in the scene, as well as part of a coral reef. Makoto rakes his eyes over it, then pauses when a piece of information settles in. He looks over at Rei and Nagisa. Nagisa has climbed into Rei’s lap as he taps on a laptop. The two are obviously a couple, and Rin had just mentioned a boyfriend too.

“Is…” Makoto delicately tries to form the words on his tongue. He speaks in a hushed voice. “Is everyone here gay?” He asks skeptically. Rin’s red eyes narrow.

“Is that a problem?” There’s a hint of a threat to his voice. Makoto abruptly sits up and holds up his hands in surrender.

“No! No, nonono…” He quickly answers. “I’m… I’m gay, so I was just…” Makoto scratches his cheek and his eyes stare at the floor. He doesn’t look at Rin to see the redhead’s expression soften. He notices Makoto’s nervous glances and jittering leg. Yeah, Rin knows what that feels like.

“It’s fine.” He smiles. “But, yeah. I mean, my boyfriend and I, Sousuke is his name by the way, we’re both bi. Rei is ridiculously gay.” Rin looks over at Rei to see him take off his glasses and meticulously wipe the lenses on his expensive vest. “And Nagisa is… I think he identifies as pansexual?” Rin shrugs, then with a smile he goes back to strumming out the chords he needs to teach Makoto. But Makoto glances at the boy sitting next to them, whose orientation hasn’t been stated.

“Haru?” Blue eyes snap up at the sound of his name. Makoto smiles kindly at him, trying to still the nervous leaps in his stomach.

“Are you uh…?” Makoto tries. He laughs at his own nervousness, but Haru reassures him with the faintest of smiles.

“What are you? … I…If you don’t mind me asking of course!” Makoto quickly adds on. Haru’s smile is gone and his eyes remove themselves from Makoto’s gaze.

“I’m…uh…” His voice is breathy and unsure.

“Haru’s nothing.” Rin quips. “C’mon, I need to show you this melody.”

But Makoto can’t focus on the melody. He’s too distracted by the way Haru sinks deeper into his chair and his blue eyes have gone icy. His mouth presses into a hard line and his hands clench and unclench into fists.

“Soooo… no one’s straight?” Makoto still looks at Haru’s sunken form.

“I’M straight.” Andunfamiliar voice calls out from the other side of the garage.

A girl, with long red hair and matching eyes walks over to Makoto. She holds a clipboard and looks like she wouldn’t hesitate to beat you with it.

“Oh, this is my sister.” Rin mumbles. “Gou.”

“Kou.” Gou flashes on a threatening smile and reaches out a hand. Makoto swallows, but shakes it.

“I’m the band’s manager. You’re Makoto, right?”

Makoto nods.

“Excellent. I’ve heard you’re pretty impressive.” She shifts her weight onto one hip and smiles widely. Makoto notices that her teeth are not as sharp as her brother’s. There’s a blessing at least, because she seems like the type of person that would actually bite someone if they got out of line.

“I hope you can learn fast.” She smirks, “Rei! Nagisa! Come over here for a sec!” The two trot over to the rest of the group, whilst Gou sits her clipboard on top of a small table.

“You have a gig in two weeks.” She announces.

Nagisa giggles with excitement, and Rin’s expression flashes with anticipation, before it goes back to a thoughtful expression.

“That’s a pretty short period to get Makoto up to speed.” He worries.

“Mako-chan can do it!” Nagisa punches Makoto lightly on the shoulder. “He’s a fast learner! Aren’t you, Makoto?”

“Uhhhh yeah.” Makoto replies. He forces a smile, but his stomach has leapt into his throat. The group around him chatters excitedly about the gig. What they should play, what they should wear, how great it would be to perform again. They all quickly exchange ideas and opinions. All except for Makoto, who sits in a terrified silence, and Haru, who seems to notice Makoto’s nervous apprehension.

The rehearsal ends and everyone filters out of the garage, promising to return on Saturday for an extra long rehearsal in preparation for the gig. Makoto’s step is heavy, and he’s too distracted with dreaded thoughts that he doesn’t notice his forgotten backpack until he’s halfway down the block.

“Craaaaap~” He whines, before jogging back. The garage door is still open and he quietly ducks inside. It’s dark, and Rin and Gou are nowhere to be seen. Makoto begins to skulk about for his bag, when a dark figure hands it to him. Makoto jumps back, crashing into a high cymbal, before he catches himself.

“Scared of the dark?” Haru asks. Makoto blushes and gratefully takes his bag from him.

“Scared of everything.” Makoto chuckles. He just means it as a one off comment, but Haru nods his head like he understands something. Makoto’s eyes adjust, and he takes in the way Haru’s pale skin glows in the dark. How his eyes reflect the tiniest bits of light that emit from the sound system displays and sleeping computer monitors.

“Makoto,” His voice is low and Makoto instinctively leans in. “Don’t worry about the gig.” Haru’s stare is unwavering. “You’re really good. You’ll be fine.” For some reason Haru complimenting him sends light pangs to his stomach. He chuckles and scratches the back of his neck.

“I’m…ha…” He swings his backpack onto his shoulder. “Thanks.”

Haru nods and turns to walk out of the garage.

“Haru, wait!” Makoto lightly touches his shoulder, then pulls his hand away like he’s burnt himself. Haru slowly turns over his shoulder to look at Makoto again. He looks somewhat surprised, and Makoto probably reflects his expression. He doesn’t know why he stopped Haru. He knows the question he wants to ask is wildly inappropriate, but the words tumble out of his mouth before he can stop himself.

“When uh…” He starts. “When I said I was gay… and I asked what you were…” Haru’s eyes widen with uncertainty. “What were you going to say?”

Haru finally looks away.

“I’m…” His eyebrows pinch together. “I’m asexual.” He whispers. Haru braces himself for the barrage of questions. What does that mean? How do you know? So you think sex is gross? But Makoto doesn’t say any of these. He just exhales and smiles softly.

“Thank you for telling me.” Makoto sighs, and Haru picks up his gaze. His mouth is open slightly. This is not the reaction he usually gets. Makoto’s eyes are warm and accepting, before he remembers what Rin had called him. Makoto’s smile suddenly vanishes and Haru cringes at the look of pity Makoto gives him. Pity. Not that was a reaction he was used to.

“You shouldn’t… Don’t ever let Rin say that you’re nothing.”

Again, this surprises Haru. He assumed the pity had been because of his orientation, not because of how others might treat him. But he smiles sadly and brushes his hair back rom his eyes.

“He doesn’t mean it.” Haru shakes his head. “He’s not trying to be mean.”

“Still.” Makoto answers. His voice is stronger now. “Don’t let anyone dismiss you like that.” Haru stares up into Makoto’s serious expression at a loss. Social interactions were never his strong point, but he is woefully unprepared for this interaction. Then Makoto smiles his warm smile, and Haru finds himself smiling back. He nods and waves at Makoto as he jogs out of the garage.

“I’ll see you Saturday, Haru!” He waves and leaves Haru feeling strangely alone.

Their next rehearsal starts early and there’s a sense of urgency to it. Makoto only gets coaxed through the melodies a few more times by Rin, before he’s thrown into the deep end to practice all together. The first few songs are rough as the band synchs up together again, but eventually they sound like one unit. Makoto does his best to keep up and remember everything Rin has shown him. He begins to relax into it and enjoy himself, but something still feels off.

“Stop!” Rin yells. He turns and glares at Haru. “What’s your deal? You’ve been off all morning?”

Haru lets his bass drop with an exasperated sigh.

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not fucking fine. You’re awful.” Rin scoffs. “What’s going on?”.

Haru sits on a nearby stool and lets his bass sit in his lap.

“I’m having a hard time with school. Sorry. I’m just distracted.” Rin arches an eyebrow skeptically. “Aren’t you the most talented one there?”

“I have an all theory subject.” Haru breathes. Rin, Rei and Nagisa all hiss like they can feel Haru’s pain.

“Sorry, Haru-chan.” Nagisa pouts. Makoto’s gaze bounces from one person to the other, but no one decides to fill him in. He clears his throat.

“What are you studying? And what subject is giving you trouble?” Makoto asks.

Haru tweaks one of his bass’ strings. “I’m an illustration major, and art history is what I’m currently failing.” He mumbles. “I have to write persuasive essays, but I just want to draw.”

“So you just need to pass, right?” Rin offers. Haru nods. “Even that’s a struggle though.”

“You gonna be ok?”

Haru shrugs. There is a heavy silence in the air, as no one is sure what advice to offer, but they also can’t just go back to rehearsing. Makoto opens and closes his mouth several times before any sound comes out.

“If you wanted…” Makoto mumbles. “I mean… I don’t know anything about art history… But I’m pretty good at writing essays.” He scratches the side of his face. “I could tutor you if you wanted? A…and maybe you could help me out by tutoring me in music stuff?” Makoto offers. Haru looks at him expressionless. He blinks slowly.

“Ok.”

“Yeah?” Makoto is taken aback. Haru nods at him.

“Yeah.”

Makoto shows up to Haru’s place for their first tutoring session. Haru lives in a high rise apartment complex, and Makoto has to be buzzed into the building. It’s not super expensive looking, but anything looks nicer than Makoto’s run down student accommodation. Like at least this place had a lobby instead of a few musty couches with some 20 year old passed out on them. Haru lets Makoto into his apartment when he knocks on the door. The apartment is small, but enough for one person. There’s only one couch and a small coffee table in the living area and a kitchenette in the corner. Several overgrown pot plants flank the glass door that leads out onto a small balcony. Makoto expects Haru to stop in the living area, but he leads him to his bedroom instead. Haru sits on his double bed covered in assorted books and papers. There’s a desk in the corner, as well as a casio keyboard. In the other corner sits Haru’s bass and an impressive looking aquarium.

“Whooooaaa…” Makoto presses his face against the cool glass. The tank is filled with plants and brightly covered fish. A shy shrimp peeks out from a cave Haru has put in for him. A clownfish scuttles through a live anemone. This is definitely a costly and high maintenance set up. Not your standard goldfish in a bowl.

“This looks like a lot of work.” Makoto breathes. It fogs up the glass and he wipes it away. “You like fish?”

“Yeah.” Haru gently answers. “I thought of being a marine biologist for a while.”

“Wow.” Makoto tears himself away from the tank “But you decided on art instead?” Haru hums.

“The writing was difficult.” He mumbles. “And I mainly just liked the swimming and looking at animals part.” Makoto laughs.

“I was captain of my high school swim team, but I’ve never snorkeled or anything before.” He relaxes and lets himself lie on his stomach.

“I have my diving license. I could take you sometime.” Haru hesitantly offers. Makoto shoots up with excited eyes.

“Really?”

Haru smiles at his obvious enthusiasm and nods.

They eventually get to studying, and Makoto reads over a paper Haru has due on Monday. It’s easy to read, and his grammar is correct, but he fails to actually argue a point. It’s mostly just a deluge of information. Makoto scribbles over his essay in red pen, showing Haru where to insert his arguments and how he should use persuasive language. Two hours and a completed draft later, Haru falls back onto the bed. His laptop lays discarded on the floor.

“It’s hard.”

Makoto smiles and straightens his back with several pleasant cracks.

“You’re doing well though.”

“Wanna switch to you for a while?” Haru sits up onto his elbows, but Makoto isn’t sure what he means. “I can show you music stuff?”

“Oh yeah!” Makoto beams and Haru actually has to squint from how bright his smile is.

Haru turns on his Casio and quickly keys out one of their original songs to warm up. The Casio’s sound is tinny, but still pleasant to listen to.

“I didn’t know you played piano.” Makoto stands next to him.

“Rei’s much better than me. He should actually be in a conservatorium.” Haru tests out several different modes for how the keys will sound. “But I play well enough.” He smirks. Makoto is impressed and doesn’t hold back when Haru starts to play one of their songs. Makoto does amazingly well, remembering almost everything Rin has shown him over the past week or so. Haru nods at him with approval, then puts up an unfamiliar piece of sheet music.

“Rin hasn’t shown you this one yet, but it’s one of our originals. You should know it.” Haru’s fingers glide expertly over the keys, and it’s a much smoother, gentler rhythm. It sounds like water falling down a rock face.

“You know this one really well.” Makoto comments.

“I wrote this one.” Haru answers. His fingers finish warming up. “I’ll sing it for you first so you can hear how it goes.”

Before Makoto can prepare himself, Haru starts to sing. His voice is low and smooth, making the song sound much more intimate than it likely is. His voice doesn’t have the sexy gruffness of Rin’s, nor does it ring clearly like Makoto’s own voice, but Makoto is still enthralled with it. He stops breathing so he can hear it better. He knows he should be focusing on the melody. Or hum the chorus along with Haru, but he’s too enraptured in Haru’s performance. His long fingers on the keys. The way he rocks slightly to keep the beat. When he finishes, he gently sets his hands in his lap. Makoto blinks twice, coming back to Earth.

“Wow.” He exhales and allows himself to breathe. “You’re really good.” Haru’s cheeks flush.

“Why don’t you sing?” Makoto laughs lightly. “You and Rin both could do this better than me.”

“Don’t sell yourself short.” Haru says seriously. “I’m not the front man type. I just want to play bass.” He turns back to the keyboard. “Wanna give it a try, Makoto?”

Makoto takes to the song easily, and he quickly decides that this one is his favorite. It’s the most like the songs he actually buys and listens to on his ipod. The other songs are fun, with their high energy hooks and fast lyrics, but that’s all they really are. Fun. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but the music Makoto really loves is the kind that makes him feel something. That can transport him somewhere. When he gets the hang of it, Haru starts to harmonise with him. It’s a struggle not to stop entirely and just listen to Haru, but Makoto stays focused. He stops looking at his lyrics, choosing to rest his gaze on Haru’s easy expression instead. The song sounds sweeter with Haru’s light voice harmonizing with his own. When they finish, Makoto beams and Haru picks up half of his mouth in a crooked smile.

“That was great!” Makoto’s green eyes light up. “Right?”. Haru doesn’t stop smiling.

“It was fun.” He starts to pack up his sheet music.

“You should sing a duet with me sometime. Like on stage.” Makoto thinks out loud.

“I don’t have the right personality for it.” Haru stands and goes back to sitting on the bed.

“That’s why you’d do it with me.” Makoto grins. Haru has only known this boy for a week, but it’s already getting difficult to say no. He’s like Nagisa… only genuine, which makes him even more dangerous.

“Maybe.” Haru sighs. “You ready for the gig?”

“I feel better after today.” Makoto lies back on the bed. He closes his eyes and relaxes with his hands behind his head. He feels overly comfortable in Haru’s room and he’s not sure if it’s because it actually feels like a home, unlike his dorm room, or because it smells like the ocean.

“Thanks for this, Haru.”

Haru jumps slightly.

“It’s fine.”

The night of the gig is chilly, and Makoto rugs up in a flannel shirt and scarf with boots. But when Makoto enters the bar he has to strip down to his tank top. It’s hot and muggy and smells like sweat. There’s a throng of bodies he has to work through to get to the small stage, and he swears someone cups his ass as he sidles past. He’s relieved to finally reach the stage where the rest of the band is setting up.

“Here.” Haru holds a hand out to him and he gratefully takes it and lets himself be pulled up.

“That was awful.” Makoto pants. Haru looks sympathetic, then his eyes widen slightly.

“You’re not wearing your glasses.”

“I have contacts. I didn’t know if glasses would be… appropriate.” Makoto flushes. From his peripheral, he can see Rin strutting over, looking like a sexual awakening on legs. His dark pants are tight and slung low on his hips, and the neck of his shirt rests even lower. His wrists are decorated with several bangles and his crimson hair is tied up into a high, messy, ponytail.

“Look at this hot fucking nerd.” Rin laughs and slings an arm around Makoto’s shoulders. “You’re pretty easy on the eyes underneath those glasses and collared shirts.”

Makoto stutters, and tries to wriggle out from under Rin’s weight.

“I’m uh….”

“Ho, shit.” Rin grabs one of Makoto’s exposed biceps. “Where has this been hiding? Sousuke better watch out.” Rin chuckles, but Makoto just stands awkwardly. He’s not used to being openly ogled. He stands straighter and desperately wants to wrap himself up in his scarf again.

“Are we here to play, or what?” Haru senses Makoto’s discomfort and places himself between Rin and the shaking boy.

“Alright, alright~” Rin sings. “I was just trying to be nice, but I get it.”

Rin picks up his guitar and gives Makoto a wink.

“You ready?”

The high of performing consumes Makoto’s body. He feels himself become a different person entirely when he’s on that tiny stage, bouncing around excitedly to Rin’s speedy guitar. Nagisa is obviously feeling the adrenaline as well, adding more cymbal crashes and snare rolls than what he usually does. Rei enters a meditative state, blocking out the howling and whooping of the audience to perfectly balance their sound levels and mix in effects. Haru almost looks bored with the whole thing, but Makoto notices the slight sheen of sweat on his brow and how he barely taps his foot to the thrum of Nagisa’s drumming. He’s enjoying himself. Makoto can’t stop smiling, even when he’s supposed to be singing some depressing lyric. He does a great job of hyping up the audience, and he even throws his hair around on the few occasions Rin has a guitar solo. He paces up and down the stage, owning it. Cool, blue eyes follow him the entire time. When he gets sweaty and swipes his hair back, its doubtful that Makoto fully understands what effect that has on the girls and non-heterosexual boys in the audience. Or maybe he does, because when it comes to a particularly sexual lyric, he goes over to Rin and gets him to sing the line with him. The two create a magnetic tension, before Rin winks at the audience and pokes out his tongue. Makoto laughs into the microphone. The last song they sing is the one he learnt only a week ago, sitting in Haru’s appointment. Makoto is thankful for the slowness of it, as it gives him a chance to catch his breath. To him, it doesn’t sound as powerful as when it was just him, Haru and a casio keyboard, but it’s still intimate. Makoto was right about this song. Just a few lines in and he is transported to the warmth of Haru’s bedroom and the smell of salt water fills his nostrils. The audience shuffles forward more and sways gently with the music. Makoto knows he should probably be watching them, singing to them, but he can’t help how his eyes follow the dark haired young man on his right. Haru stares back at him. His shirt clings to his skin with sweat, and his pupils are dilated with fatigue. Makoto’s voice shakes, but he wills it away as the chorus surges. He wants Haru to know that he’s singing this song for him. To thank him.

When their set ends, the crowd applauds and disperses to hit the bar again, or just to step outside. But several members linger and Makoto is surprised to find out that they linger for him. And Rin, of course. Girls blush and tell them both they were great, and they looked great. Rin expertly thanks them, and sends them on their way. Makoto’s ass is not grabbed again, thankfully, but several people playfully touch his arms or feign drunkenness to fall into his chest. Some guy even compliments Makoto’s shirt, slipping his fingers just under the seam like he’s inspecting it. But his fingers brush Makoto’s collarbone, and Makoto shoves him on reflex.

“Don’t touch my singer.” Rin notices the interaction. The guy regains his footing and scurries off. “Sorry, performing in a bar has its drawbacks. You’ve gotta watch out for the handsy ones.”

Makoto looks over his shoulder. Gou stands to the side of stage, talking animatedly to a well built man with flaming-red hair. She had introduced him as the bar’s owner. Beside them Rei and Nagisa are packing up the sound equipment, but Haru is nowhere to be found.

“Where’s…?”

“Oh no, he always runs off.” Rin laughs. “This is just the kind of attention Haru wants nothing to do with.”

At the next rehearsal, everyone is much more relaxed and still slightly buzzed from their gig.

“We got an excellent turnout.” Gou reports. “And the owner of the bar said he’d be happy to have us back anytime. We drew a big crowd for him.” Gou flips a few pages over on her clipboard. “#Futurefish was used over 100 times on social media that night. Good work everybody.” She nods her approval.

“It’s all thanks to Mako-chan” Nagisa giggles from behind his drums.

“Yes, I think Makoto’s presence definitely had an impact.” Rei concurs. Makoto chuckles and rolls his eyes.

“Hardly, I just did what anyone would have done.” He shrugs. He’s rugged up back in his plaid over shirt and glasses, feeling much more comfortable. Being an ex-swimmer, Makoto isn’t self conscious about his body, but performing that night had been a different experience. He’s used to bashful confessions and brushing fingers, not the aggressive gropes and grabs he had been victim to that night.

“Don’t sell yourself short.” Haru chides and walks over to Makoto. His eyes scan up and down Makoto’s body. “You look like yourself again.”

Makoto isn’t sure how to read his expression. “Is that… good?”. Haru nods. He reaches behind himself and pulls a folded piece of paper out from his back pocket.

“I wanted to show you this.” He unfolds the paper and Makoto recognizes it as a marked criteria sheet from the essay he helped Haru with. He takes the paper and reads over the feedback. He begins to smile when he reads the praise and positive comments, but his face erupts into a wide grin when he sees the 86% mark scratched out in red pen.

“This is fantastic, Haru!” He laughs. “You’ve done so well!” Haru’s expression warms.

“Thanks to you.” He says. Makoto shakes his head. “I just guided you. They were all your ideas.”

“Still.” Haru chews his bottom lip, hesitating. Makoto sits patiently. He can tell Haru has something to ask him, but he doesn’t want to pressure him. Haru is becoming easier for him to read lately.

“Because I did so well on this one… I have another assignment coming up… if you wanted to help me again we could…”

“I’d love to.” Makoto laughs. He hands the criteria sheet back to Haru.

“I can keep helping you with music stuff.” Haru offers.

“Sounds good.”

And Haru hates the way his stomach leaps at the sight of Makoto’s warm smile that’s just for him.

Haru’s door is unlocked when Makoto shows up for their next tutoring session. He lets himself into the apartment and sees Haru preparing something in his small kitchenette.

“Haru?”

“You hungry?”

Makoto smiles and drops his bag next to the kitchen counter. He leans over Haru to look into the pot he is stirring. It smells fantastic.

“Always.” Makoto greedily looks at the broth and vegetables swirling in the pot.

“Hand me two bowls.” Haru points at the cupboard in the corner. Makoto does as he’s told when he’s suddenly overcome with a warm feeling. He’s standing in his friend’s apartment, about to eat dinner that has been made for him. Makoto hasn’t shared dinner with anyone else in a very long time. The loneliness in his life has gradually melted away, and he hadn’t even noticed it. He has friends now. Sure, they’re still in the preliminary stages of friendship, but Makoto can finally see himself building up a little family in this big city. He no longer stays up at night longing to go home and back to his old job. To a place where his role was so defined. He’s starting to have a place in people’s lives again.

“You ok?” Haru takes the bowls. He notes the wistful expression in Makoto’s eyes.

“Yeah, yeah.” Makoto sighs. “This is just… really nice. Sorry.” Makoto blushes and laughs at himself. “It’s stupid.”

“No it’s not.” Haru pours the udon into the two bowls he is handed. His fingers brush Makoto’s and he strangely likes the feeling. They go to sit on the couch with their meals perched precariously in their laps. Makoto makes lots of groaning and slurping noises when he starts to eat.

“This is fantastic, Haru!” Makoto chuckles and shakes his head. “I’m starting to think there’s nothing you can’t do.”

“I can’t write, remember? That’s why you’re here.” Haru smirks. “Or have sexual relationships.”

Makoto pauses his eating. He tries to sift through Haru’s words, seeing if they’re tinged with any hurt or regret. He doesn’t seem to find any though. Haru just states it like it’s some funny joke.

“What’s being gay like?” Haru continues. Makoto swallows his mouthful and blinks at him. Where was this coming from?

“Haven’t… uh… haven’t you asked Rin?” Makoto can feel the heat rising in his face.

“Rin is just one person. What’s it like for you?”

Makoto continues to stare. What was it like to be gay? He’s been asked that by straight people before, but Haru is asexual. Did he want to know what it was like to be attracted to someone else? To want to have sex with them? Or did he want to know what that was like with a guy specifically?

“Uhhhh…” Makoto starts. “It’s nice?”

Haru rolls his eyes.

“Tell me about yourself first then.” Makoto suggests. “Is being ace nice?”

Haru considers his question, then shrugs. “I don’t know anything else.”

“Fair point.” Makoto begins to slurp up some noodles again.

“I dunno…” Haru starts to swirl the broth in his bowl idly. “Sometimes… I look at Rei and Nagisa… Sousuke with Rin… I think I’d like that.” His voice is barely above a whisper.

“A relationship?”

“Yeah like… just to have somebody.”

Makoto’s chest stutters when Haru locks eyes with him. Steam comes up from Haru’s bowl, condensing on his cool cheek, making his skin glow and look dewy. There’s a bit of broth on his lips, and Makoto just stares at them. The thought crosses his mind that he could lick the liquid off, tasting it and Haru’s mouth at the same time. But Makoto sets fire to that thought immediately. Haru needs support and comfort, not to be subjected to Makoto’s libido.

“I have had sex before.”

Makoto chokes on his mouthful of food. He starts to cough and his eyes water. He takes his glasses off to wipe them on his shirt.

“Yeah?” He squeaks. Haru smirks at him.

“You assumed I hadn’t?”

“Well… yeah…” Makoto’s face is incredibly red, and he hopes Haru thinks it’s from almost choking and not because he’s embarrassed.

“how… how was it?” He stares down into his bowl. Haru breathes out of his nose and Makoto thinks that is the Haru equivalent of laughing.

“The sex itself was alright.” Haru sighs. “But I wouldn’t do it again.”

Makoto hums.

“What’s it like being in a relationship?” Haru continues to probe. Makoto chuckles and wants to give some smart ass reply, but he can see that Haru is anxious about his answer. He genuinely wants to know.

“It’s nice.” He hears Haru groan. “I’m not done yet!” Makoto laughs and nudges him in the side.

“It’s really great. To have someone who will always be there for you, who will always be on your side. You’re an indispensable part of their life, and they’re a part of yours. You always take care of each other, and eventually you know each other so well that you don’t even have to say anything.” Makoto then grins. “And the sex is overrated. You don’t need it.”

Haru’s eyes widen and he stops playing with his food.

“You don’t?”

Makoto shakes his head. At that, Haru smiles at him. Really smiles. So his eyes crinkle and his teeth become visible. It knocks Makoto breathless.

“H…Hey, aren’t we supposed to be doing homework?” He stammers. Haru shrugs.

“This is more fun.”

“Haru~”

“Fine!”

At their next rehearsal, Haru waves at Makoto when he walks in the garage. Makoto immediately glides over to him, not noticing the new figure in the corner.

“Yo, Makoto!” He whips around at the sound of Rin’s voice. Rin sits on the steps that lead up into the main house, and next to him a tall, dark haired man stands and appraises Makoto. Makoto nervously walks over to the pair. The man has full tattoo sleeves on both arms in the same vibrant shades as Rin’s. One arm is a similar aquatic scene, with a whale shark and ray, but the other sleeve looks like a traditional Japanese woodcut. Cherry blossoms litter the image, obscuring the shrine in the background. He’s taller than Makoto, which he is not used to, and maybe even broader. He makes Makoto nervous until he notices the man’s gentle teal eyes. Makoto goes from nervous to hot incredibly quickly. He might have a thing for dark hair and bright eyes.

“Makoto, this is Sousuke.” Rin introduces them. Of course. Makoto reprimands himself. Sousuke was a tattoo artist, and running his eyes over him one more time, oh yeah, this guy would definitely be Rin’s type.

“H…Hi…” Makoto’s voice breaks. Ok, maybe Sousuke was a bit his type too. Rin laughs, but Sousuke just smiles and reaches out a hand.

“Sousuke Yamazaki. Nice to meet you.” Makoto takes his hand and shakes it.

“You too, it’s good to finally put a face with a name.” Makoto smiles and Sousuke returns it with a dark chuckle. He elbows Rin in the side.

“You didn’t tell me he was cute.”

Rin splutters angrily and Makoto sucks in a breath. Rin punches Sousuke on the shoulder.

“You didn’t need to know.” He growls. Sousuke chuckles at his easily flustered boyfriend.

“I always need to know.” He winks at Makoto, who isn’t sure whether he wants to melt or run away.

“Stop teasing Makoto.” A cool voice demands. Haru falls in beside Makoto. “We hear to play music or not?”

They begin their rehearsal. Sousuke sits in the corner with Gou, nodding and smiling with surprise when Makoto starts to sing. Makoto actually feels uncharacteristically nervous about singing. This is the guy he’s supposed to be replacing. Makoto’s convinced his stage presence probably doesn’t compare, and if Sousuke’s speaking voice is anything to go by, he’s sure his singing voice is also more impressive. They break after a song and Makoto takes a sip from his water bottle. The rest of the band sits together to laugh and reminisce about shared experiences, but Makoto stays in his corner to take another drink.

“Stop it.” Haru appears next to him like a shadow.

“Stop wha…”

“Stop comparing yourself.”

Makoto pouts and takes another sip. “You don’t know that’s what I was doing.”

“Yes I do.” Haru deadpans. “Now c’mon.” He drags Makoto over to the group by the wrist.

“H…Haru!”

“Hey Makoto, you’re pretty great.” Sousuke greets them. “And you get along with Haru?” He takes in the two of them with interest. “You must be as perfect as Rin says.”

“Sous…” Rin growls warningly. Makoto wonders if their entire relationship is just Sousuke pissing off Rin on purpose.

“But I’m happy these guys found someone like you. I was pretty hesitant to leave.” Sousuke ignores Rin. “I’m happy you’re my replacement.” He pats Makoto on the shoulder. Makoto’s mouth opens slightly, not quite sure how to react to such approval.

“Told you.” Haru whispers.

“Makoto might be great, but you guys should still keep pushing forward. I know all these songs. You don’t have anything new?”

Rin guiltily kicks the floor, as does Rei.

“I’ve just been focusing on training up Makoto.” Rin mumbles.

“I’ve been swamped with chemistry lab reports.” Rei sighs. Sousuke crosses his arms and looks disapprovingly at the two.

“Honestly, this is a priority.” He sighs. “And Rin, Makoto’s a fast learner. And you said Haru was teaching him, so what have youbeen doing this whole time?” Rin rounds a murderous glare on his boyfriend. His mouth is pulled back in a snarl, before a thought crosses his head. He begins to smirk knowingly.

“Ok Sousuke, I’ll just stop what’s been taking up my time lately.” He breathes. “Or rather, who’s been taking up my time lately.” Rin’s meaning dawns on Sousuke.

“Hold up…”

“No it’s fine! Priorities! As you said.” He grins and Sousuke’s face twists in pain.

It looks like he’s about to give in, when Haru clears his throat.

“I’ve been working on something.” All eyes turn to stare at the fair bass player. Rin looks thrilled.

“Really? We all liked your last one a lot. Is it like that?” Nagisa bounces.

“Sort of… it’s a bit slower than our usual stuff…”

“Is it in Makoto’s range?” Sousuke asks. Haru nods.

“Uh… yeah… his and…. Mine?”

Rin raises both eyebrows in shock and there’s a large intake of breath from Rei.

“Are you going to sing, Haruka-senpai?!”

“Well… it’s a duet… so.” Haru murmurs. “If you guys are interested.”

“Yeah, man.” Rin shows his sharp teeth and claps Haru on the shoulder. “I’ll always support you getting out of your comfort zone.”

“We can work on it when you come over?” Haru asks Makoto. He actually sounds anxious.

“Of course, Haru.” Makoto beams.

Makoto and Haru start to see each other every day. They work on the duet, but Makoto also helps Haru with his essays and Haru teaches Makoto how to cook. Makoto loves the time they spend together, and he never gets used to the thrill of singing with Haru. The duet is slower then their usual stuff again, but its evocative and remarkably emotionally charged for coming out of Haru. They take breaks from rehearsing to play video games or go food shopping. Haru’s smiles are more frequent, and Makoto grows comfortable teasing him. Haru teases right back. The days are long and blissful, but a dread starts to emerge in Makoto’s gut. Because they walk to the train station and he wants to grab Haru’s hand. Makoto spends the night on the futon and wonders what it would be like to be in Haru’s bed. He wants to stand behind Haru as he plays at the keyboard, and wrap his arms around him. And it hurts. It hurts because he’s in this desperate fight to spend more time with Haru, but also wanting to run away, because this feeling will just get worse.

But Makoto can’t pull away. He sits exclusively next to Haru at rehearsals. Makoto stays at his house more often then his own now, and the songs he sings with Haru start to sound more and more like love songs.

The two are sitting in their corner of their garage at rehearsal, eating bentos that Haru has made for the two of them. They arrived together, and will likely go home together. Haru timidly smiles at Makoto’s funny stories of teaching kids to swim back at his old swim club, and he slides some more mushrooms into Makoto’s lunch because he knows they’re his favorite. Rei observes all of this from where he’s looping percussion sounds with Nagisa. He looks at the way Makoto finds any excuse to touch Haru, and how Haru never pulls away from the contact. Rei leaves his seat and walks over to Rin. He’s laying on a bench and texting Sousuke.

“Rin,”

He looks up from his phone. “What’s up?”

Rei’s face is serious and he becomes worried. Rei gestures that he should stand up. Rin does so and glances into the corner that Rei points him towards.

“Makoto and Haru seem to have gotten quite close.” Rei’s voice is low, so only the two of them can hear it. Rin looks at the two. He knows they’ve been spending a lot of time with each other. Sure they were close! It was a good thing…

But then Makoto’s hand reaches out to brush something off of Haru’s face. His hand trails slower than it should down Haru’s cheek and his face is open in admiration.

“Shit.” Rin hisses. This is not what he needs, but he should have seen this coming. The two were spending so much time together, and Haru is hot and Makoto is gay, so of course this would happen. Goddamit.

“Should we do anything?” Rei asks. Rin’s face hardens into a scowl.

“Yeah… Yeah I’ll talk to him.”

“Don’t piss him off.” Rei warns. “We need him.”

“I know. I can handle it.” Rin lies. He actually doesn’t think he can handle it. He walks across the garage trying to slip back into his  confident attitude. He falls onto Makoto’s back and picks up one of the pieces of meat from his lunch, then pops it into his mouth.

“H…hey!” Makoto laughs. Rin chuckles behind him.

“Too slow man.” He stands upright, but keeps his hand on Makoto’s shoulder. “I actually need to go out to grab some drinks for us. You wanna come with?”

Makoto looks over at Haru, then back to Rin. “Uh, sure. Right now?”

“Yeah, the sooner, the better.” Rin shrugs. Makoto puts down his finished lunch and grabs his backpack. Haru starts to stand.

“I can come…”

“No, no.” Rin brushes it off. “You stay here. You’ve got stuff to work on.” Rin smiles, but Haru has known him long enough to know that this is not a suggestion. This is an order. His eyes dart worriedly to where Makoto unsuspectingly starts to move out of the garage.

“Rin…!” Haru’s panicked voice calls out.

“It’s fine, it’s fine!” Rin laughs, but is sure to wrap his arms around Makoto and push him out of the garage as quickly as possible.

The walk to the convenience store is uneventful, but Makoto enjoys the time with Rin. He finds his bravado and charisma entertaining. They pick up some bottles of soft drink, a packet of chocolate cookies and a bag of chips, then start to set home. That is, not before Makoto grabs a packet of miso flavoured rice crackers.

“They’re Haru’s favorite.” He justifies. Rin smiles sadly at him.

“That’s nice of you.”

“So you really like Haru, huh?” Rin asks on the walk home. The sun is going down now and their shadows stretch far out in front of them.

“Yeah, he’s really great.” Makoto is painfully easy to read. “I’ll admit I auditioned for you guys because I was kind of hoping of making some real friends. The big city is a lot lonelier than I thought.” His voice is quiet and wistful. “Haru’s really helped me with that,”

Rin groans internally. This kid is so damn innocent, but he can’t spare his feelings.

“You like him.” He says seriously.

“I just said…”

“No, Makoto.” He stops walking. “You like him.”

Makoto laughs like he’s going to deny it, but Rin’s face frightens him into not making light of this situation. He bites his bottom lip.

“Is it that obvious?” He sheepishly smiles. Rin sighs.

“Makoto… you can’t have him.”

“I know…”

“He’s broken. Don’t pursue it.”

But this… this makes Makoto turn from apologetic to angry. Rin is Haru’s friend. Makoto drops his bags.

“Why would you say that?” He whispers.

“He is Makoto, you can never have what you want with him.”

“He’s not.” Makoto’s voice shakes. “And you don’t know what I want!”

“I know exactly what you want!” Rin drops his bags and roars at Makoto. Makoto shrinks backwards at this sudden change. A fire has been ignited within Rin and Makoto can see it in his bright red eyes.

“You think you’re the first! You think you can change him!”

Makoto balls his hands into fists and pushes back.

“I don’t want to change him!”

“THAT’S WHAT THEY ALL SAY!” Rin screams, but his voice cracks. There are tears gathering in his eyes. Makoto gasps and takes a step back. Something is wrong. What they all say. Rin’s face shatters and Makoto realizes that he’s not just being a jerk. He’s trying to push Makoto away.

“They all say they can handle it, but they can’t! They all think that if they love him enough they can fix him…” Rin spits it out, like the words taste bad in his mouth. The tears start to flow. “They promise it’s not important to them, that they will love him no matter what, but they ALWAYS leave.” Rin shakes Makoto by his shirt, but the aggression means nothing when Rin is sobbing so hard.

“And it destroys him. He blames himself and he wonders what he did wrong, but he did nothing wrong.” Rin pulls himself away and wipes his face with his hand.

“So please… I’m begging you. Please stop now. Please.” Makoto stares at Rin’s quivering form, wraps an arm around him, and pulls him into a hug.

“You’re a good friend, Rin.” Rin hiccups against Makoto’s chest.

“He’s my oldest friend. And I’m tired…” Rin sniffs, but he can’t stop the tears. “I’m so tired of seeing him get just… constantly shit on.”

Makoto nods. He pulls a packet of tissues out of his bag and offers it to Rin. Rin accepts it begrudgingly.

“I understand you’re trying to protect him.” Makoto takes a deep breath. “But I’m not like them.” Rin laughs darkly and blows his nose.

“Like I haven’t heard that before.”

Makoto smiles sadly at him. Rin groans loudly and rubs his eyes once more.

“But I think if anyone can do it, you’re the most likely.” Rin picks up his grocery bags and steps into Makoto’s personal apace again.

“Don’t you dare hurt him.” His voice still quivers. “Or I’ll fight you!”

Makoto doesn’t mean to, but he has to laugh. The crying, snotty, shorter man is actually threatening him.

“I don’t feel very frightened.”

Rin glares at him. “And if you tell anyone you saw me cry I’ll get my boyfriend to beat you up.” He hoists up his grocery bags and begins to stomp down the road. Makoto follows behind, lightly laughing.

When they reenter the garage, Haru looks up from where he’s been anxiously scribbling on a piece of paper. His eyes dart from Rin to Makoto. He tries to analyse the way they carry themselves, how close they stand next to each other, Rin’s red-rimmed eyes. Makoto walks over Haru and offers him the packet of miso rice crackers.

“Here, I got these for you.” Haru takes them with a small smile, but he’s still obviously worried.

“Why has Rin been crying?”

“Wh… You don’t know that. It’s probably just allergies.” Makoto’s voice is high and his laugh is hollow.

“Makoto, Rin cries all the time. I know what his crying face looks like.” Haru’s face is unamused. Makoto deflates on his stool. He sighs and looks earnestly up at Haru. His blue eyes, wide with nervousness, make Makoto want to tell him everything. Even secrets that are unrelated.

“I can’t tell you.” He shakes his head. Haru places his hand on Makoto’s leg and leans in close.

“Makoto,”

“I’m sorry.” And he means it. Haru nods, squeezes his leg, then lets go.

“You still gonna come over tonight?”

“Of course.” And Makoto’s smile gives Haru a touch of relief.

Rehearsal ends quickly, and everyone parts their separate ways. Rin shakes his head sympathetically when he sees Makoto leave with Haru.

“You let them go?” Rei asks when everyone else has left. Rin rubs the back of his neck.

“We’ll see what happens.” He sighs. Rei’s eyebrows knit together and he scratches his chin the same way he does when he’s balancing equations.

“I think Makoto can do it.” He concludes.

“Here’s hoping.”

Haru’s apartment is a welcome sight after the difficult day. It’s warm and still smells vaguely like the toast they had for breakfast that morning. Makoto collapses on the coach with a groan. Haru laughs in his Haru way at the action.

“Tired?”

“Exhausted.”

“I’ll make us dinner.” But makoto can’t just lay there. As good as it feels, he quickly scurries to his feet and follows Haru to the kitchen.

“Here, let me help.”

Makoto suggests they have mackerel for dinner and Haru nods a little harder than usual. Makoto laughs, knowing that that is Haru being excited. Makoto begins to prepare the rice and Haru seasons the fish. It’s a simple meal, but it’s filling and comforting, and makes Makoto wonder if he should ever go back to his apartment.

“I could make something for you to take.” Haru voices Makoto’s thoughts. “I know you don’t cook when you’re back at your place.”

Makoto stares at him. How had he known? But then he just shakes his head.

“That’s ok. I should learn sometime.” He’s about to take another bite. “But thank you… for offering.” He shoves the food in his mouth before he can blush and say anything stupid.

After dinner, they retreat to Haru’s bedroom and play several rounds of Mario-kart. They’re both pretty evenly matched, but Haru has a mean competitive streak. He uses blue shells mercilessly, in spite of Makoto’s desperate squawking. He’s just been beaten again, when he throws himself back onto the bed.

“Enough, Haru. It hurts too much.” He laughs. “I concede defeat!” he throws his hands up. Haru smiles down at him, then begins to pick up the controllers and turn off the console. He comes back to the bed and lays down next to Makoto. He can feel his breath on his face and smell his sandalwood scented deodorant.

“Hey,” Haru mumbles. Makoto opens his eyes and pulls away when he sees how close Haru is. “You don’t have to tell me… but did Rin say anything bad to you today?”

Makoto sinks deeper into the mattress.

“Why do you want to know?”

“So I can yell at him.”

Makoto laughs, but then sits up. He leans forward, rubbing his hands together pensively. He’s not sure what to do. He could just leave everything as is. He likes his friendship with Haru, and is comfortable with it. But taking a risk in the first place was how he met Haru. Maybe he’d have to take a risk again? He rubs at his tired eyes. His glasses fall into his lap.

“I need to tell you something.” He sighs. Haru immediately sits up and is at his side. Makoto can feel the warmth of his skin through his shirt.

“Today… Rin was worried…” Makoto swallows. He just keeps staring at his hands. His eyes prickle painfully, but it doesn’t hurt as much as Haru’s hand reaching out to touch his shoulder.

“I told him… that I…” He swallows down the hard lump in his throat. This isn’t how he wants to do this. He doesn’t want Haru to think this is happening just because of an argument. Haru should feel precious and desired.

“Haru!” Makoto whips his head around to stare down the dark haired man. He throws all of his inhibitions to the wind before he can back out.

“I…! Uh…” It doesn’t last long. His gaze falls again and his voice becomes quiet. “I really like you.”

“I like you too.” Haru replies instinctually. Makoto groans.

“Nooooo, I mean… I really like you.” He dares to peek up at Haru, who hasn’t run out of the room just yet. “When you… you said that sometimes you got sad looking at Sousuke and Rin, or Rei and Nagisa. You said that you wanted what they had and I…” Makoto licks his dry mouth and brings his hand to his aching chest. He looks at Haru with conviction.

“And I want to give you that! I want to make you feel loved and important to someone. I want to give you everything you think you can’t have.” His eyes prickle again and it’s difficult not to break down. Haru just stares at him open-mouthed.

“So…. Will you let me do that for you?” His voice quakes badly. Haru blinks at him.

“A…are you asking me out?” He breathes. His eyes look glassy.

“Yes!” Makoto fumbles his glasses back onto his face.

“Would I get to call you my boyfriend?” Haru asks urgently. Makoto takes this as a good sign and smiles.

“Of course.”

And Haru’s cheeks go pink. His eyes are still glassy, but he hides them underneath his long fringe. He smiles that kind of smile that shows his teeth.

“Ok.” He nods, then laughs. Actually laughs. It’s airy and cracks a little bit, but it’s unmistakable. Makoto’s senses shut down and he can’t hear anything. It’s like a bomb has gone off in front of him.

“Yeah?” He wants to shout. He scoots closer to Haru, who nods again. Makoto actually claps his hands over his mouth because he’s smiling so wide that he thinks he might explode.

“C…can I hug you?” Haru tentatively asks, pushing his fringe behind his ear. Makoto really thinks he might short circuit.

“Shit… yeah… I mean…” He’s having difficulty getting air into his lungs. “Of course you can.” He laughs. Haru smiles and leans forward. Makoto wraps him up in his arms. He worries if he’s hurting Haru from how tightly he squeezes him. But Haru doesn’t say anything. He just nuzzles closer into the side of Makoto’s neck.

“Didn’t give me a chance to say I really like you too.”

Makoto laughs and the vibrations course through Haru’s torso. It feels wonderful.

Later that night, when the apartment is quiet and Makoto sleeps on the other side of the bed with a blissful look on his face, Haru gets up to go to the bathroom. He reaches for his phone to check the time. 3:20 am. Would he be so cruel as to send a text at this hour? Yes is the overwhelming response.

To Rin: You better not be mean to my boyfriend anymore.

Rin hears his phone vibrate next to him. Haru never texts, and especially not at this hour, so he assumes it must be an emergency. He gropes at the screen until the message finally comes into view. He groans when he reads it.

“Fuuuuck”

Sousuke turns over next to him.

“You ok? What’s wrong?” He sounds worried. Boyfriends don’t just say ‘Fuck” at three am for no reason.

“Haru has a boyfriend.”

“Oh yeah…” Sousuke’s sleepy voice returns. “Makoto right?”

“How’d you…?”

But Sousuke’s snoring cuts off any more questions Rin might have for him.

Chapter Text

Haru and Makoto have been dating for one month. One blissful, yellow tinted, month. Nothing really has changed between them. They still work on their duet together, Haru still cooks lunch and dinner for Makoto, whilst Makoto still reads over Haru’s essays and helps to make improvements. But small things have changed. When Makoto sleeps over, he sleeps next to Haru now, and not on the floor. They openly stare at one another without having to be self conscious and when either of them gets caught staring, the other one just smiles back at them.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Makoto will laugh and Haru will nod. Makoto says it lightly, but Haru holds the words close to his chest. One month. One entire month. This is usually the finish line, the threshold level of anyone who tries to actually be with him. They grow distant, or worse, they start to put pressure on Haru to do things he’s not interested in. Haru prefers the ones who quietly realize and leave on their own. The ones that get frustrated with Haru and he has to tell them to leave are by far the worst. They always shout and Haru shrinks into himself.

But Makoto shows no signs of breaking. He smiles as blissfully at Haru as ever and only asks to be cuddled. He presses his nose into the back of Haru’s hair and breathes deeply the smell of his citrus shampoo when they sleep together. Haru grabs Makoto’s strong arms and winds them around his waist.

“This ok?” Makoto asks. Because he always asks, and he’ll keep asking.

Haru just hums in return and presses himself harder against Makoto’s tired body.

It’s a rainy Saturday night when they finish writing the new song. Well, Haru finishes writing it. Makoto gives emotional support. They run through it several more times to make sure that they’re comfortable with it, then Haru tucks the sheet music into his bag for rehearsal the next day.

“Hey, I finished that song I was writing.” Haru informs Rin early in the morning. Rin drops his guitar, letting it swing on its strap, and turns excitedly towards Haru. “Really? It’s all done?” He grins. Sousuke glances up from where he’s drawing a tattoo design on a piece of paper. His shop is closed Sundays and he’s been hanging around the garage more and more. Nostalgia he says is the reason. Not that he actually misses them, or thinks his boyfriend looks hot with a guitar around his waist. Nothing sentimental like that.

“You wanna show us?” He asks. Haru’s mouth presses into a hard line, but he nods. He doesn’t want to show that he actually might be a bit nervous. Everything Haru does is effortless. It’s an image he’s carefully crafted for himself over the years, so this too should appear like he’s not even trying. But man, has he tried this time. He walks over to Rei’s keyboard and pulls out the music. Rei and Nagisa hear his first few clunky attempts at the keys and make a beeline straight for him.

“Haru-chan! Are you going to play that song you’ve been working on?” Nagisa asks with delight.

“Yeah, I just need….” He looks across the garage at his boyfriend. The word still throws chills up his spine.

“Makoto,” He calls out. Makoto snaps his gaze to the rest of the group. “Oh yeah!” he mouths under his breath. He jogs over.

“We doing this now?”

Haru nods and pats the spot on the bench next to him for Makoto to sit down. He sits, and without any introductions or explanations, begins to play. Makoto hasn’t warmed up his voice at all, so he’s worried his voice may crack or strain. Haru sends him supportive glances though, and soon the two are singing like they’re just back in Haru’s apartment. Haru’s voice drops down during the chorus to harmonise with Makoto’s, and Makoto begins to smile. His smile is infectious, and soon the two of them are bashfully smiling and staring at one another. Some of Makoto’s lines come out shaky because he’s laughing underneath them. Haru elbows him weakly to keep him going, and their crisp voices fill the garage. Haru’s fingers start to slow and Makoto finishes the song with a solo verse. He speaks the final few lines, but sings and hangs onto the last note, not wanting to give up this moment. It ends and the garage is silent. Haru stares blankly at the group, not showing his distress. Makoto awkwardly laughs and shrugs. Nagisa breaks the silence.

“Hey, hey. Mako-chan and Haru-chan have really great chemistry.” Nagisa’s voice is low and he mock whispers as he elbows Rei in the ribs. Rei shoves his arm away. Makoto blushes up to his ears and Haru has dropped his head so his fringe covers his face.

“Good job, man. It’s really great.” Rin punches Haru in the shoulder. Haru peeks up at him.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah! Really. You know me.” Rin smirks. “When have I ever protected your feelings?” He laughs at his own joke and Haru rolls his eyes.

“You guys definitely have to perform that at your next gig.” Sousuke leans forward on the table. The entire band nods.

“You gonna be ok with that, Haru? Would you rather Rin sing the other part?” Rei gently offers, but Haru has made up his mind.

“No, I… I want to do it.” Makoto squeezes his leg underneath the table.

“Great! You have three weeks for everyone to learn it!” Gou’s authoritative voice rings out from the other side of the garage.

“T…Three weeks!” Rin shouts. “You have to clear things with me first Gou! You know how long it takes to translate…”

“It’s Kou.” Her cold, quiet voice cuts through Rin’s shrieking. “And you have a gig in two weeks.” She says with finality. She holds her brothers gaze for another moment, before a friendly smile breaks her features. She walks over to the group.

“Seijuuro specially requested you guys perform at his bar again. He says a lot of his patrons have been asking about you.” She shrugs. “I think he’d kind of like his bar to be your unofficial base. You’re good for business.” Then she smiles to herself. “That, and he’s got a rivalry with the gay bar across the street and apparently you guys pull in a lot of their patrons.” She laughs, as does Sousuke. Rin looks slightly pleased with himself, but Makoto uses whatever blood is left in his body to blush more.

“So you have three weeks!” She commands.

By the end of their rehearsal Haru’s voice is hoarse, and his and Rin’s fingers ache from where their guitar strings cut into them. Makoto rubs his sore throat and Nagisa might actually be out of energy. The only one still left with motivation is Rei, but it’s a crazed kind of motivation that pushes him to achieve perfection with everything he does. Rin finally collapses on a chair and tells them all to go home. Makoto grabs his bag and stumbles out of the garage, thinking about the several assignments for school that have been somewhat neglected. He should really stay up late that night to get a good handle on them again. He’s lost in his own head when Haru runs up to him.

“Makoto,” His voice is rough with exertion. “I know we’ve finished working on the song, but did you still want to come over tomorrow?” He asks hopefully. Makoto laughs, because the thought of not coming had never crossed his mind.

“I’ll be there.” And he hugs Haru before he leaves.

It’s earlier than Haru had anticipated when Makoto shows up at his door. Haru’s eyes are bleary and his usually smooth hair is knotted and flattened on one side from sleep. He blinks at Makoto slowly. Instead of his usual collared plaid shirt and jeans, he wears cargo pants and a rough looking sweater. His bag looks overstuffed and his converse have been replaced with a pair of lace up boots. Haru starts to look worried.

“Whhaaaaat’s going on?”

But Makoto just smiles reassuringly at him.

“Get dressed, I’m taking you somewhere.” He pushes Haru towards his bathroom to shower. “Make sure you dress comfortably.”

Haru grinds down his heels, stopping Makoto from pushing him any further. He looks over his shoulder up at Makoto with wide, anxious eyes.

“Please don’t take me camping.” He states. “Please.” Makoto is taken aback. He scoffs and his eyes narrow in confusion. Then he looks down at his cargo pants and hiking boots, and ok maybe that wasn’t such a ridiculous conclusion to jump to.

“I really hate it.” Haru says again. Makoto laughs loudly. He shouldn’t. His boyfriend is clearly worried, but there’s something about Haru being so anxious over camping that Makoto just can’t stop giggling at.

“We’re not going camping!” He laughs. “I promise. You’ll like it. Trust me, let me take you on a date.”

Haru’s eyes are still wide, but for a different reason now. His pale cheeks start to freckle with pink.

“A… a date?”

“Yeah,” Makoto drops his voice. “I wanna go on a date with you.”

Haru sucks in a breath. His chest aches and it spreads up to his throat. If his voice weren’t so wrecked from the day before he might actually burst out in song. There’s a series of explosions happening inside his body, but on the outside he just drops his head, hides his blushing face and begins to scurry into the shower.

“Oh…okay.” He mumbles.

Haru lets himself be lead blindly by Makoto. They take a bus to a train station, and then ride a train for 45 minutes. The city evaporates into suburbs, and then houses scatter and dissolve into fields. Makoto looks contently out the window. His glasses catch the early morning sunlight and he smiles stupidly to himself.

“You gonna tell me where we’re going yet?” Haru sighs. Makoto just shakes his head.

“It’s in two more stops.”

Haru patiently waits.

1 stop.

2 stops.

The conductor’s tinny voice echoes through the carriage.

“Northern suburbs train station and city zoo.”

Haru’s eyes widen and he slowly turns to look at Makoto. Makoto is laughing. It’s a guilty laugh, but full of excitement. He shrugs, then grabs Haru’s hand and pulls him off the train.

Makoto practically runs down the stairs of the train station and across the street, pulling Haru behind him towards the grand archway that reads “Zoo.”. There are animals sculpted into the metal of the archway and grand gardens flank the entrance.

“Makoto…Are you serious?” Haru asks incredulously. But Makoto just laughs and begins to sprint through the archway. His laughter bounces off the metal and rings sweetly through the air. Haru is wrapped in it.

“Are you serious?!” He asks again, but he’s yelling and laughing with Makoto, racing him to the ticket counter.

Makoto pays for both tickets against Haru’s protests. They get a map of the zoo and decide where they should go first. Makoto starts to suggest the African plains section, but Haru immediately seizes upon the Tropical zone, filled with tigers, tapirs, orangutans… and aquariums.

Haru sits in front of the aquariums in awe of all the different life they hold. The room they sit in is dark and the aquariums are backlit, spilling blue light onto the floor. It envelops Haru and makes his pale skin look luminescent. Blue waves refelect in makoto’s green eyes, making them look like deep ocean water. Both of them laugh at the frogs that lose their footing and fall into the water, and Makoto points out a very strange looking turtle. Haru names several of the species of brightly coloured fish and excitedly educates Makoto about their different requirements. Haru is usually quiet, but he’s been speaking continuously since they’ve entered the aquarium house. Makoto quietly hangs on every word. Then Haru goes silent.

“No way.” He gasps. He takes Makoto’s hand and yanks him to the end of the house. A small archway indicates that they are entering a new area. Instead of a sign reading “frogs” or “crocodiles” or something Makoto might actually recognize, the archway reads “Platypus house.”. Haru sprints into the new area. The entire room contains only one tank, and it’s the largest tank in the house so far. Even the anaconda’s is smaller than this. There are logs in the water, and the back of the tank has been sculpted to look like a river bank. Mud and small plants sit on the synthetic bank, and a nesting box sits along the water’s edge. Haru places his face to the glass. Waiting.

The water ripples and there’s a faint plop. Shrimp are being dropped from somewhere above, obviously by a keeper they cannot see. The shrimp swims calmly through the water… until a brown mammal zooms out of its burrow to grab it. Haru makes a delighted gasp.

“Amazing.” His eyes anxiously follow the platypus, gliding easily in the water and using its bill to push around the mud at the bottom of the tank. More shrimp are dropped in and the platypus scoops them up.

“It’s so weird,” Haru laughs quietly. “I’ve never seen one before.”

Makoto steps closer to his side. “They’re Australian right?” Haru nods. Then he pulls himself away from the glass. There’s a foggy circle where his mouth was.

“Can you take a picture for me?” He demands. Makoto pauses at his desperate looking face, then smiles.

“Of course.” Makoto pulls out his phone and is sure to turn the flash off.

“I want to send it to Rin. He did an exchange in Australia for a while.” Haru kneels down next to where the platypus is eating and makes a peace sign with his hand.

“Smile!” Makoto laughs, but Haru’s expression doesn’t change. Makoto chuckles and snaps the photo.

“Do you want to send Rin a message along with the picture?”

Haru makes “gimme” hands and Makoto hands the phone over. Haru taps out a message.

To Rin: This is an egg laying mammal with a duck bill, webbed, venomous claws, and a flat beaver tail.

.

.

And yet it’s still more attractive than you.

-Haru.

Haru hands the phone back to Makoto, where he balks at the message.

“Haru!” But Haru has walked out of the house and is heading towards the next area.

Makoto and Haru marvel at the otters, and how they shriek at one another as they fall in an out of the water. They snigger at sea lions that bathe their fat bodies out in the sun. They both take more photos of the monkeys, lions and tapirs they see. They send them all to their friends with friendly comments from Makoto, and sarcastic comments from Haru.

To Rei: This peacock is beautiful and it made me think of you J

-Makoto

To Sousuke: This hippo looks like you when you’ve had too many burgers

- Haru

To Rin: This wild dog and all her puppies makes me think of you trying to organize our band. Haha, sorry if we’re a pain sometimes ;P

-Makoto

To Nagisa: I found penguins! I know they’re your favorite, so here’s a cute one just for you.

-Makoto

To Rin: This elephant smells and so do you.

-Haru

To Sousuke: Haha! This bear just punched its friend in the face and now they’re cuddling. Sound familiar ? ;P

-Makoto

To Rin: This baboons butt reminds me of something.

-Haru

To Rin: This pile of shit also reminds me of something,

-Haru

To Rin: Hint – it’s you.

-Haru

To Haru: PLEASE FUCKING STOP. SOUSUKE IS LAUGHING TOO MUCH.

-Rin

Makoto cheers and giggles when they find the petting zoo, but his fun time is abruptly cut off when he finds a goat that doesn’t seem to like the look of his face. Makoto dumps his animal food and darts through the cluster of sheep, hoping the goat will stop at the neglected pile of animal pellets on the ground. It does not.

“Haru!” Makoto yells. Haru looks up from the sleepy looking llama he is petting, only to be grabbed and used as a human shield against a goat. Makoto, a good head taller and 15kg heavier than him, is using his frail body as a defense.

“It won’t leave me alone!” Makoto cries. The goat jogs up to Haru and stares at him with his cold, horizontal-pupiled eyes.  Haru manages to stare the goat down and leads his nervous boyfriend out of the petting zoo.

They sit down on the lawns in front of the flamingo pond and Makoto pulls two boxed lunches out of his bag. He opens one of the lids to see which one it is, then hands it to Haru.

“I’m still not as great as you, but I hope I’ve learnt something.” He flushes. Haru opens up the box and his eyes immediately identify a hunk of mackerel on a pile of rice.

“Mackerel’s my favorite.” He states.

“I know.” Makoto smiles. Haru, slightly flattered and impressed, begins to tuck into his lunch. His fish is slightly crispy on the underside, and Makoto was probably too generous with the dark soy and sesame oil, but it still melts in Haru’s mouth and tastes like the best thing he’ll have all day. He smiles around his full mouth, averting his gaze from Makoto.

“Is it alright?” Makoto worries.

“Yeah.” Haru nods.

They don’t get up immediately after finishing lunch. The afternoon sun is warm and begging to be laid in, so Makoto obliges it. Haru pulls out a sketchbook and begins to sketch the flamingoes in front of him. Next to him, Makoto lays with his hands behind his back and dozes. He tries to peek at Haru’s drawings.

“I’ll show you when I’m done.” He lifts the cover to shield Makoto’s view.

“Fine”, Makoto sighs.

Haru wakes him 30 minutes later by poking his cheek. He wordlessly flashes the drawings at him. Makoto takes his time moving his gaze over the delicate lines, marveling at how Haru has created the texture of soft feathers with just pencil on paper. He closes his eyes and laughs.

“Haru, Haru, my perfect-at-everything-Haru.” He pokes Haru in the thigh.

“Stoooop.” Haru warns, but he folds the book and stows it into his backpack more delicately than usual.

With the sun starting to melt into the horizon and cast long shadows, they don’t have that many enclosures left to visit. Haru and Makoto wander into an aviary, and the low sun is caught by the broad leaves, making them glow a lime green colour. It’s quiet in the aviary, but for another family or two that wander lazily along the path. Haru stops at a pond to lean over the rail and watch a grebe dive under the water. Makoto leans next to him, listening to the sound of the birds call to each other and begin to roost.

“C’mon little man, they’re closing.” A young man leads his kid brother along the path. It’s nothing really. Haru barely registers it. But Makoto grips onto the rail until his knuckles turn white. He stops breathing and pales. No. He thinks. He chances a glance up, and even from 10 meters away, Makoto recognizes that long stride. The lilt of that voice on the air. Those violet eyes and mop of baby pink hair.

“Shit.” Makoto hisses. He stares at the floor and preys that Kisumi will go a different way through the aviary. But this is the way to the exit, he reminds himself. Haru places a hand on his shoulder. His eyes trace where Makoto’s gaze had been, to the strange pink-haired man approaching with his little brother in tow.

“Makoto? Do you know…?”

“He’s my ex.” Makoto answers. He sounds defeated. Haru is shocked at how his own heart leaps into his chest. He looks at the man again, taking his time to look at his pretty features and broad shoulders.

“Was it a bad breakup?” His voice is low and dangerous. He could take this guy. He really could. Him and his kid brother.

“No no! It was fine.” Makoto straightens up. “It was mutual. We just weren’t… we didn’t fit, you know?” He sighs. “But it’s still awkward.”.

The little brother bolts past them, mercifully not noticing Makoto. Kisumi starts to stride past them, but stops when he catches sight of brown hair and glasses. Makoto’s silhouette is instantly recognisable. Kisumi turns on his heel.

“Makoto?” He asks. His smile is large and he gravitates to grab Makoto’s shoulder. Makoto spins before he has a chance.

“Kisumi! H…hi!” Makoto’s greeting sounds forcefully happy. “H..how are you?”

“Great! Great! My classes are going really well this semester. I’ve been working really hard, just like you told me I should.” Kisumi laughs, not noticing the dark shadow beside Makoto that glares at him with icy eyes.

“But, I figured I should take some time off to spend with my brother. What are you doing…?” And it’s only then that Kisumi’s bright eyes move from Makoto to the raven-haired boy next to him. He wears a blank expression.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Kisumi laughs. “I didn’t realize you were here with someone.” Kisumi holds out his hand. “I’m Kisumi, an old friend of Makoto’s.” Haru does not take his hand. Instead his eyes narrow at the words old friend. Makoto swallows.

“I’m Haruka. Makoto’s boyfriend.”

Kisumi blanches and quickly removes his hand before Haru can bite it off. Makoto wants to step in between them, but his legs have turned to jelly. It’s a high stress situation and yet Makoto can only focus on one thing. He called himself my boyfriend. Haru had occasionally used the word in texts, or to annoy Rin, but he had never claimed it before. He had never so brashly announced it for all the world to hear. Makoto feels his breath catch and his fingers tingle. Hello, I am Makoto and this is my boyfriend, Haru. Ah, I see you’ve met Haru, my boyfriend. Hello I am Haru’s boyfriend. Makoto childishly plays out each scenario where he can tie himself to Haru and Haru to him. It’s small and to normal couples insignificant, but to him it’s special. A line has been crossed.

Kisumi’s frightened gaze turns to Makoto for help. Makoto remembers to breathe and steps forward,.

“Uh yeah. Kisumi, this is Haru, my boyfriend.” His voice shakes a little on the word, but Haru reaches between them and grabs his hand.

“We were just…”

“I get it, I get it.” Kisumi laughs and begins to back away. “I don’t wanna ruin your date. You have fun now.” Kisumi runs after his brother.

“Oh and Haru?” He runs backwards for several paces. Haru looks up. “You hang on to him. He’s pretty special.”

Haru scoffs. He squeezes Makoto’s hand harder. You don’t have to tell me that.

Haru keeps on holding Makoto’s hand as they walk to the train station. It shouldn’t effect Makoto as much as it does, but their fingers are laced together and a small electric shock runs up his arm when their hands swing between them. He gives Haru’s hand a squeeze, solidifying to himself that it’s real. Haru squeezes back. Makoto can’t help the airy laugh that bubbles out of his chest. They both make it to their train and sit together in a comfortable silence. The carriage is empty except for them, and it’s pleasantly warm. Makoto keeps holding Haru’s hand and doses against the cool window. The country side whips by them. Flat plains rise into buildings once more.

“Did you have a good day, Haru?” Makoto sleepily asks. Haru, who has been quietly distracted, turns towards the boy beside him. The sun setting behind him casts a glowing halo around his face.

“Was it alright?” Makoto tries again. Haru blinks back into focus.

“Yeah,” he smiles and leans against Makoto, dropping his head onto his shoulder. Makoto worries about moving and scaring Haru away, like a cat that actually dares to sit on your lap. He remains perfectly still.

“Makoto,” Haru’s voice is barely above a whisper. Makoto hums.

“Do you want to kiss me?” Haru keeps his eyes closed. Makoto stares down at him and laughs nervously.

“What?”

“I said ‘do you want to kiss me’?” Haru repeats. He lazily opens his eyes. Makoto looms over him, his brilliant emerald eyes glistening in the late sun.

“I always want to kiss you, Haru.” He laughs, just enough that it takes the seriousness out of his words. Because god does he want to kiss Haru. He’s thought about it even before they started dating. Fantasised about holding him close, feeling his cool lips against his own. Haru begins to sit up, but he leans closer towards Makoto. A small smile is plastered on his face.

“I will let you kiss me.”

“Haruuu~” Makoto laughs again. His face feels hot. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Don’t just let me because you thinks that what I want.” Makoto smiles and presses his forehead to Haru’s. He reaches for Haru’s other hand and holds both of them in Haru’s lap. Haru continues to smile.

“I want  you to kiss me.” He looks daringly into Makoto’s eyes. Makoto pulls away to properly read Haru’s expression. But he just looks… Happy.

“You sure?”

Haru nods.

Makoto leans forward, pressing their lips together, and its like floodgates have been opened. Makoto chastises himself for how he lets such a little kiss overwhelm his senses and make him dizzy. He can’t get enough oxygen to his lungs. His thumbs soothingly rub circles into Haru’s hands. Haru too is surprised at his own intake of breath, how he presses forward, craving to feel closer to Makoto. He carefully opens his mouth and begins to move his lips against Makoto’s. Makoto responds shyly, but soon they are kissing gently, and Makoto reaches a hand up to cup the side of Haru’s face. He’s panting when he pulls away.

“How was that?” He breathes. Haru’s cheek is warm in his hand and his eyes look dark.

“Good.” Haru sighs. He leans into Makoto’s side, resuming his former position with his head on Makoto’s shoulder. Makoto slips an arm around him.

“I like kissing you.” Haru murmurs. Makoto vibrates with laughter.

“Thank you.” He brushes Haru’s hair back from his face. “Is it something you’d want to do again?”

Haru nods and smirks. Before Makoto has a chance to feel him shift, Haru stretches up and kisses him on his jaw.

“Uh-huh.” Is what he says when he nestles back into Makoto’s side. Makoto can’t answer because he’s afraid he might erupt into a fit of giggles and cheers.

The first kiss leads to a second, and a third, and it spirals into Haru not being fully satisfied when he’s with Makoto unless there is some form of contact between them. Being close to Makoto calms the turbulence in his chest and head. He finds he has difficulty sleeping when Makoto’s not there, and his hands feel cold when they’re not wrapped around Makoto’s. They lean on each other when Rin is lecturing them at rehearsals. When Haru sits at the keyboard to show Rei how to play the song he’s written, Makoto stands behind him and winds his arms around him. He gets distracted when Makoto kisses and rubs his face on the top of his head.

“Stooooop.” Haru warns, but there’s no bite to it. Makoto laughs and leaves him to it.

When they take a break and go into Rin’s living room to play video games, Haru crawls into Makoto’s lap. Makoto is challenging Rin and Nagisa to Mario kart, and he tries to look around Haru to see the screen. Haru intentionally gets in the way.

“Ack! Haru! Stop! I’m trying…” Makoto moves his head around desperately. Rin and Nagisa laugh victoriously.

“Yes Haru! Keep distracting him! He’s beaten me too many times!” Nagisa laughs.

“Karma’s a bitch!” Rin shouts. “Try to use a red shell on me know fucker!” And he laughs maniacally.

“Guuuyyyysss~” Makoto whines. “This is unfair.”

Haru darkly chuckles and kisses Makoto on the cheek. Past Haru, Makoto can hear the cheers of the other players winning and the game finishing. He groans and Haru snickers against his cheek.

“Sorry.”

“You are not.” Makoto looks unimpressed, but he quickly smirks and tosses his controller to the side to hold Haru closer and kiss him on the mouth. Haru reciprocates. It’s open mouthed, but quick, and Makoto smiles against Haru’s lips when he pulls away. The room has gone noticeably silent. Makoto glances around him to see that Rin, Nagisa, and Rei are all staring at them with wide eyes.

“What?” Makoto worries he’s done something wrong. Maybe they didn’t like to see their friends kiss… but Makoto has seen Rei and Nagisa kiss several times. And Rin and Sousuke’s kisses were entirely more suggestive than what Haru and he had just done.

But Makoto doesn’t get much of a chance to worry. Days pass, and Haru keeps kissing him, whether other people like it or not. He kisses him goodnight. He kisses him goodbye when Makoto leaves rehearsal on his own. He kisses him when they’ve finished lunch and there’s still sauce on Makoto’s lips, and he kisses him good morning when they wake up next to each other.

They’re rehearsing their duet, as their gig is only a couple of days away. The band’s sound is finally starting to synch together, thanks to Rei figuring out how to best blend their instruments. Sousuke and Gou are at the rehearsal, watching everything come together. The band’s instruments harmonise with each other, Makoto’s and Haru’s voices ring clearly throughout the metal clad garage. Their performance isn’t as genuine and innocent as the first time they sang together, but they still smile sweetle at one another and Makoto laughs when Haru’s nose scrunches in concentration. Sousuke and Gou sit front and center, tapping their feet and bopping to the rhythm. The music starts to slow and Makoto’s voice rings clearly with the final verse. With his final words and lonely strum of Rin’s guitar, the song comes to a close. The band stands in a hushed silence, energy still coursing through them.

“WE DID IT!” Nagisa claims victoriously and they all cheer. It’s the first time they’ve nailed the song as one unit, one sound, and the air is electrified with their joy. Rin shouts out several “YES”’s and aggressively riffs on his guitar. Rei laughs his crazed scientist laugh, which is cut off when Nagisa knocks the wind out of him with a hug.

“We did it!” Makoto joyfully grabs Haru’s shoulders. He wants to grab him and twirl him around, but he bets Haru would hate that. Instead, Haru has a better idea. He grabs Makoto by the back of the neck and brings him in for a kiss. Nothing too unordinary. But then their mouths are open and Haru is sliding his tongue against Makoto’s. Makoto stops breathing and opens his eyes. He waits for Haru to stop. To say he doesn’t like it, but he’s glad he tried it…. But Haru doesn’t stop. Makoto indulges himself. He closes his eyes and aggressively tugs Haru closer to him, slipping his own tongue into Haru’s mouth. Haru’s hands tighten in Makoto’s hair.

Sousuke still sits on his stool, gaping at the whole exchange. The two eventually part when Rin claps and tells them all to have a brake. Sousuke sprints from his stool when the band disperses.

“What the hell was that?” He hisses when he reaches Rin. Rin takes a sip from his water bottle and raises an eyebrow.

“What was what?”

“That!” Sousuke’s worried pupils dart towards the corner that Haru and Makoto stand in. Makoto is glowing bright red, and their hands are linked together.

“Oh.” Worry flashes over Rin’s eyes, but he hides it with a non-chalant shrug. “Haru’s kissed people before.”

“Nooooot like that.” Sousuke laughs. He sits down next to Rin and sighs. He still watches the two in the corner, Makoto now laughing at something Haru has whispered to him and playfully shoving him. “I’ve never seen him like this with anyone.” Sousuke’s voice is filled with wonder. Rin laughs and pats him on the shoulder.

“He really likes Makoto.” Is the only conclusion he can come to.

Makoto leaves the garage to go to the bathroom, and Nagisa, like a highly skilled predator, seizes the opportunity. He bounces over to Haru innocently.

“You and Mako-chan sure look cute together, Haru-chan.” He places his chin in his hands and leans against a table. His bright pink eyes bat their blonde eyelashes at Haru. Haru’s eyes narrow.

“Yeeessss?” Haru takes a step back. Just in case.

“You seem really happy.” Nagisa smiles. He looks down at the table and runs his finger along the harsh grain. “I’m happy for you, Haru.” He smiles shyly up at him.

“You and Makoto seem to be really close to one another.”

Haru is surprised by Nagisa’s honest words. He tilts his head to the floor and his hands flutter, looking or something to fiddle with.

“Makoto is… special.” He smiles.

And Makoto is special. The only reason Haru finds himself able to so freely kiss him and touch him is because Makoto never once puts any pressure on Haru. He knows Haru’s limits without having to ask, so Haru doesn’t have to hold himself back, in fear that Makoto may get the wrong idea. Haru’s previous partners always assumed kissing lead somewhere, even those that assured him they understood his asexuality. They would kiss him and their hands would wander, getting defensive when Haru would push them away. But Makoto never asks for more. His hands stay steadily on his shoulders and waist, and when Haru pulls away, he doesn’t look disappointed. He smiles, with his glasses all askew, and places a chaste kiss of Haru’s cheek. Haru kisses Makoto to feel closer to him. He lets Makoto hold him close because it’s warm and reassuring. He feels like something precious when Makoto holds him tight. He starts to feel like this is what he’s wanted for so long.

But it’s hard not to worry.

It’s late, and Makoto is staying at Haru’s house again. The two were supposed to be enjoying ice cream and a few video games together, when Haru decided to interrupt all that by climbing onto Makoto’s lap. He straddles Makoto’s thighs, kissing his mouth lazily. He still tastes like caramel from the ice cream. Makoto holds him securely by the waist, eagerly kissing him back with tongues and swollen lips. Haru presses closer and accidentally pulls on Makoto’s hair. There’s a groan from the back of Makoto’s throat, but Haru doesn’t quite register it. He’s just enjoying the warmth and the selfishness of knowing that he can do this with Makoto, while no one else can. Then he shifts his seat and feels Makoto against his thigh. He pulls away and looks down at Makoto’s lap.

“You’re hard.” He states.

“Harruuuuu~” Makoto whines and drops his head onto Haru’s chest.

“What?”

“Don’t say anything. It’s embarrassing.”

Haru would laugh if the crippling guilt wasn’t suffocating his throat. Because Makoto is reacting to him, but he’ll never be able to do that for Makoto. What if Makoto wants more? What if he’s constantly holding himself back?

“I’m sorry.” Makoto chuckles and picks his head up. He kisses Haru’s forehead. “You’re just really beautiful and it’s hard not to react to that sometimes.” Makoto laughs. But Haru doesn’t smile back. His eyebrows gather together and his gaze turns glassy, before he drops it to the floor. He pulls away.

“Is it… difficult… being with me?” His voice is meek. He knows it must be hard on Makoto. Makoto isn’t the one wired wrong. He is.

“What?” Makoto gasps. He places his hands tenderly on either side of Haru’s face.

“It’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done.” And he kisses Haru sweetly. Haru can feel tears prickle at his eyes. He doesn’t deserve Makoto. There’s no way he can. But he lets himself pull him close and monopolize him whilst he can. He’s furious that he couldn’t find Makoto earlier in his life.

The day before their next gig, Gou slaps a large poster down on the table in the garage. The band stops their warm ups to look at it. It’s black, with an aggressive red font splashed across it.

“Oh no,” Rin croaks. It’s a ‘Battle of the bands’ poster.

“I entered you!” Gou cries. Rin groans.

“Whyyyyy?!”

Gou rolls her eyes. “You want exposure? You want money to buy more equipment? All your asses are broke.” She pointedly taps the poster. “Do well in this and we’ll get some money, and booking gigs will be easy.”

“Gou, this is just for fun! We’re not trying to get signed or anything.” Rin explains. He’s always had a very realistic view of his band. They would work hard, and they would do their best, but for themselves and their audience. Not to do this for a living. Makoto was going to be a teacher, Haru was going to be an illustrator, Rei would probably invent a cost effective bio-fuel in a few years, and Nagisa … well he’d probably fall into some odd job or another.

“But Rin…” Gou smiles devilishly. She still has one trump card to play. “If you win…. You get to win”. It’s stupid, but Rin actually hesitates. He hadn’t thought about that before. The idea of being named “best” was addictive to him, and winning was something of a hobby for Rin.

“I dooooo like to win.” He thoughtfully scratches his chin.

“He’s gone.” Haru mumbles. Rin then slams his fist onto the table.

“Alright! We’ll do it!” He proclaims. His mouth is spread into an excited grin.

Haru crosses his arms and shakes his head.

“Good, then you should use tomorrow’s gig as a chance to practice for it and work on your weaknesses.”

Rei blusters and looks offended.

“Weaknesses?!”

Gou boops him on the nose. “Calm down, there’s not a lot. Your playing’s fine you just need….” She wiggles her fingers, searching for the word. “Presence!” She whispers.

“Presence?” Rin, the most charismatic performer of them all, scoffs. Gou ignores him and points at Makoto.

“You! Naïve boy next door!” Makoto looks from side to side, hoping Gou might be talking to someone else.

“Me?” He squeaks.

“Get sexy!” She demands. “Your performance and energy are there, but you need a better wardrobe. And don’t be afraid to interact with the other band members. Touch someone’s butt! Whatever you have to do.”

Makoto looks at Haru like he wants to throw up.

“You!” Gou points at her brother now. “Make this boy over. He’s too cute and wide-eyed to be a sexual fantasy yet.”

Rin looks annoyed at being ordered around, until his eyes trace over Makoto. Oh yeah. He could work with this. He sneers.

“I can do that.”

Makoto swallows.

Makoto begrudgingly shows up to Rin’s place the next day. It’s late afternoon, two hours before the gig. Haru stands supportively at his side.

“You don’t have to do this.” He reassures. Makoto sighs.

“I know. It could be fun though, right?” Makoto, ever the optimist. “Like dressing up?”

Haru hums and they knock on the front door. It feels weird to not go through the garage. Sousuke answers it and smirks.

“Ahhhh, the victim has arrived.” Makoto pales. He follows Sousuke into the house and up to Rin’s room. Rin stands shirtless in just a pair of black skinny jeans. There are leather shiny panels sewn into the outside and inside of his thighs. He stares down at his bed where he’s spread a multitude of other garments.

“Strip.” He doesn’t even look at Makoto when he comes into the room.

“Excuse me?!” Makoto’s voice breaks.

“C’mon Makoto. You gotta get changed. Shirts off, pants off, let’s go.”

Sousuke sits on the bed, looking like he’s enjoying a good dose of schadenfreude. Makoto isn’t ashamed of his body. Eight years of swim clubs broke him of that, but he’s never exactly had an audience. His hands shake the tiniest bit as he takes off his glasses and hands them to Haru. He then slips off his t-shirt and kicks off his pants. He’s left standing only in his boxer briefs.

“What the fuck, Makoto.” Sousuke spits at Makoto in annoyance.

“He’s hot right?” Rin smirks.

“How… where…?!” Sousuke isn’t trying to hide how he gawks at Makoto. Clearly this kid worked out. Hell he could be an underwear model if he was so inclined.

“Stop wearing flannels. Immediately!” Sousuke orders. Because it’s obviously such a waste. Finally Haru steps forward.

“Give my boyfriend some damn pants.” His glare is murderous. Makoto covers his chest and nods.

“Alright, alright.” Rin sighs. He grabs a pair of black jeans, similar to his own, and tosses them at Makoto. Instead of dark leather panels though, these jeans have metallic silver panels sewn into the thighs and down the calves. Makoto holds them up.

“Rin, You’re skinnier than me. I dunno if…”

“They’re mine.” Sousuke interrupts. “We’re about the same size.” Sousuke scans Makoto again and laughs. “Apparently”.

Makoto pulls the pants on and they’re much tighter than anything he’s worn before. He feels like his butt is barely contained, and they sit low on his hips.

“Is this how they’re supposed to sit?” He tries to pull them up.

“Ohhhh yeah.” Rin laughs. He passes Makoto a fitted tank top and a short leather vest, where the inside is lined with a bright green and black graffiti print. It peeks out when Makoto moves his arms. Makoto looks at himself in the mirror and has to admit that he does look a bit sharper. His arms are completely exposed, while the tank and vest show off his narrow waist.

“Alright… ok…” Makoto nods. “So done now?”

Rin’s grin is frightening.

“Oh nooooo.” He pulls out a swivel chair and points to it. “Have a seat.” Makoto doesn’t move until Rin points at the chair again. He shuffles over to the chair and sits.

Rin rummages in a drawer of his dresser and pulls out a small, fabric bag. He walks back over to Makoto and stops in front of him.

“It’s easiest if I sit on your lap for this. Don’t get weird, ok?”

“Uh…what…?”

Rin straddles Makoto and perches on his knees. Makoto looks at Sousuke guiltily.

“You’re fine.” He smiles.

Makoto watches Rin pull a small bottle out of his bag and he pours a beige liquid onto his fingers. Makoto watches him then exclaims when Rin puts the liquid on his face.

“A…Are you putting makeup on me?!”

“Not a lot. Calm down. It’s just to give a good base for you eyeliner and eyeshadow to sit on.” Rin rubs the foundation in.

“Excuse me?” Makoto squeaks.

Sousuke and Rin laugh. Even Haru has stepped closer to watch his boyfriend be assaulted. Rin finishes rubbing in the foundation and applies a layer of setting powder. He delicately applies dark grey around and underneath Makoto’s eyes. He then blends in a bit of bit of green to match Makoto’s irises.

“Ok, this is where shit gets weird.” Rin warns.

“Shit already got weird.” Makoto mumbles. Rin pulls out an eyeliner pencil and works at Makoto’s waterline.

“Holy fuck!” Makoto actually swears. He blinks furiously and wills the tears away. “That feels awful!”

“Stop crying! Man up!” Rin finishes the left eye and starts on the right. When he finishes, he pulls away to admire his work. It’s not an overwhelming amount of makeup. Just enough to make Makoto look less fresh-faced and bring out his bright eyes and strong jawline. Rin clambers off of his lap. Makoto stands and tries not to cry from all the prodding his eyes have just received. But then he looks over at his boyfriend, and Haru sympathetically grabs his hand.

“How’s he look, Haru?” Rin asks confidently.

Haru pans his eyes over Makoto, before settling on his now dazzling eyes.

“You are very aesthetically pleasing.”

Makoto lets out a barking laugh, then leans forward to kiss Haru on the cheek.

“That’s how Haru tells me I’m cute.” He explains.

“Romantic.” Rin deadpans.

They show up to the bar together, where Rei and Nagisa are already waiting. They appear to have put more effort into their appearance as well. Rei looks impeccable as always, but his tweed jacket is brightly collared and fitted to his body nicely. He wears a plain black collared shirt and dark pants underneath it. Nagisa somehow managed to find a pair of boys shorts that were… well it was impressive that they managed to conceal his whole butt. He pairs them with a white t-shirt, rainbow suspenders and pink lenseless glasses. Rin had leant Haru a navy blue, military style jacket, before settling on a vest with a fur lined hood for himself. He wears a fistful of necklaces, but no shirt.

“Whoaaaa Mako-chan, you look different.” Nagisa appraises Rin’s work. “You look like a rock star now.” He laughs. Makoto shrinks underneath the praise, but thanks him.

Rei and Rin finish setting up their equipment and the band run through a couple of chords to warm up. Nagisa does a couple of drum rolls and beats to make sure his hands are working like he wants them to. Makoto goes into the bar owner’s office to warm up his voice and go over scales.

“You ready, Makoto?” Gou pokes her head in. Makoto nods and follows her out. The bar is still hot, and Makoto still averts his eyes from the people who are obviously checking him out, but he also recognizes the thrum of anticipation. He steps onto the stage and the hushed silence welcomes him. His hands shake in excitement. He touches the microphone and his face breaks into a toothpaste-selling smile.

“Thank you all for coming.” He says, too politely. His gentle voice juxtaposed with his rough appearance immediately grabs people’s attention.

“Work it boy-next-door.” Gou smiles from her corner next to Sousuke.

“I’m Makoto Tachibana, and we are Future Fish.” Makoto continues. Rin immediately launches into a guitar riff and Nagisa counts them into their first song.

The thrill of performing once again courses through Makoto’s veins, and he slips into the persona of lead singer much easier this time. He confidently struts around the stage, dragging the microphone stand with him. He easily gets the audience engaged and clapping in time with the music. Rin is in his element. He runs his tongue over his teeth and has no qualms about creating sexual tension between he and Makoto when Makoto comes over to sing with him. He bends his knees and positions his guitar suggestively, whilst leaning into Makoto with half lidded eyes. When Makoto leaves to go back to center stage, Rin winks at several girls in the front row. They look way too into it. Nagisa as well appears to be having fun, ditching his stool during one song and bopping around playfully while he drums. His blonde curls bounce and his mostly naked legs attract some attention as he kicks them around. Rei is still intensely focused, but he bops to the music and smiles and nods at the audience members who shout at him.

Haru is not focused on the audience at all. He’s pretty much forgotten that they’re there. Instead his gaze sits solely on Makoto, who has the room eating out of his hands. He smiles at the way Makoto lights up like a firework, and moves around the stage like electricity. He’s magnetic and alluring. Makoto’s stopped being self conscious about the way people are looking at him, and is starting to appeal to it. He runs his hands through his hair and gives the audience heated looks. Haru stares in wonder, admiring the way his jeans fit his long, muscular legs, and the way his shirt rides up when he lifts his arms to expose his hip bones and naval. His biceps flex when he aggressively grabs the microphone stand. Haru lets out a gasp when Makoto runs one of his hands down his stomach and swivels his hips.

Haru recognizes that the ache in his body when he watches Makoto has changed. It’s usually filled with warmth and pride. It’s a kind of love and admiration that makes his heart ache. The kind of comfort that one feels when they see someone they care about excelling. ….

But this feels different. This is a throbbing that constricts his chest and makes his breath come in short gasps. His face and body don’t just feel warm. They are burning. His tongue feels dry, but then he feels like there is an excess of saliva in his mouth. The ache sits lower in his body. Not in his chest, but in his lower abdomen. It scratches at him like hunger. Haru continues to watch Makoto with his mouth parted in shallow breaths. Makoto glances over his shoulder at him, sending him a wink. His neck and chest gleam with sweat. Haru wonders what it would be like to taste it.

…What?

He’s starting to panic. He’s starting to register what this aching in his body is. He wants to scream because this isn’t supposed to happen. This is NOT supposed to happen. He’s had decades to come to terms with the fact that this cannot and will never happen to him. Makoto then grabs the microphone stand and begins to grind against it obscenely. The hunger in Haru’s body drops noticeably southward, and he wonders if the audience’s screams would be enough to drown out his panicked shouts.

Why. WHY. WHY NOW?! WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

The song ends. They’ve only got one more left and Rei moves off of his post to set up a microphone in front of Haru. Oh no. Makoto drags his microphone stand closer to Haru. He can feel the heat radiating off of Makoto’s skin, smell his sweat, and hear his breathing. He’s catching his breath after the last song. Makoto quickly takes a swig from a bottle of water. Haru is mesmerized by a droplet of water that travels down his lips.

“You ready, Haru?” He asks gently. No. No. Haru is not ready. He wants to lock himself in a cupboard and scream. He wants to pound his head against the wall and cry, because his body is body is on fire and he doesn’t know what’s happening to him.

But he nods. He hears the clack of Nagisa’s drumsticks counting them in. His instincts take over and he starts to pluck his guitar and sing. The crowd goes completely silent when the notes leave his mouth. Haru has never sung in public before, so it’s doubtful that any of their regular audience members even knew he could sing. It’s going well, just like in rehearsal… until Makoto joins in. He’s close to Haru, so close. And the words he sings, the words that Haru wrote, are too sincere and sweet. They fall like honey from his mouth and Haru wants only to lean forward and lap them up. His breath becomes uneven again, and his voice becomes breathier and more vulnerable. It ends up making the duet sound more emotional. The audience eats it up. Makoto steps closer and begins to graze his forehead along Haru’s. Their noses touch. Makoto’s laugh rumbles underneath his singing voice and he can’t contain the joy that shines from his smile. Haru looks up at him with dark eyes. His pupils are blown. Every touch from Makoto rouses the storm inside him and he simultaneously wants to shove him away and pull him against his body. He’s barely managing to pluck his bass in time with the music. The song finally begins to slow, and it’s just Makoto’s melodic voice singing out, accompanied by Rin’s strumming. Makoto cups Haru’s face gently and leans in to kiss him on the final note. The audience whoops and screams, but Haru can’t hear them. Because he’s groaning into Makoto’s mouth and all the blood in his face runs south. His eyes flash wide and he yanks himself backward. Before the audience can stop their clapping, he’s thrown his bass to the ground with a clang and leapt off the stage. He tears through the crowd. Makoto, shocked at the reaction, makes to go after him, but a strong grip grabs his arm.

“Thank your audience. Say goodnight. Finish your job first.” Sousuke murmurs next to his ear. He waves at Rin to go after Haru.

“He’ll check on him. Don’t worry.”

Rin moves through the crowd with his legs feeling like jelly. Several people try to grab him and shout questions at him, but he uses his broad shoulders to barge past. He runs through the “staff only” door Haru sprinted through moments before, and slows to a jog. He isn’t sure where Haru’s gone. He doubts he’d go to Seijuuro’s office, or to the kitchen. Rin walks into the employee bathrooms. There are only three cubicles, but sure enough one of them is locked. He walks up to the door and knocks on it. He can hear laboured breathing, but there’s no answer. He knocks again.

“Haru?”

“I’m fine.” Is the stern reply. Rin rolls his eyes.

“Haru, let me in.” There’s a pause and some rustling.

“I…is Makoto with you?” His voice sounds ragged. The question surprises Rin. Why would Makoto’s presence matter?

“No?”

There’s some rustling before the cubicle door is unlocked and opened. Haru sits on top of the toilet seat. He’s shaking and his face is flushed. He’s tucked his knees into his chest. Rin’s face creases with panic at the sight. He walks into the cubicle, but then closes the door and locks it behind him. Something is very wrong.

“What’s going on?” He whispers. Haru just shakes his head.

“Haru…” He presses his hand to his forehead. He’s sweating and hot. “Are you sick. Do you wanna throw up?”

Haru laughs darkly. God did he want to throw up. But he knows that won’t solve his problem. His eyes begin to turn glassy. Rin is really freaked now.

“Haru! You have to tell me! I can’t do shit if I don’t know!” Rin starts to pull at his hair. Haru closes his eyes and the tears flow down his cheeks. But he knows Rin needs to know. Rin’s always been there for him. He’s always looked out for him and guided him through the confusing times in his youth. He’s been an anchor for Haru. If anyone can help him, it would be Rin. Haru sighs, then slowly lowers his feet to the floor. He keeps his eyes closed and he tightly grips his knees. Rin doesn’t notice it at first. He’s too distracted by Haru crying and his body shaking, but then his eyes fall to Haru’s lap.

“A… Are you hard right now?!” His voice breaks. Haru covers his face and nods. He tries to wipe away tears, but he hiccups and they just keep coming.

“Well that’s…” Rin looks at him, perplexed. He even laughs. “Haru, you’ve been hard before. I know you have. I’ve walked in on you…” But then he freezes. He’d seen the duet on stage. He’d seen how receptive Haru had looked. Is Makoto with you? The question resurfaces. He covers his mouth and gasps.

“D…Did…Did Makoto make you feel like this?” He whispers. Haru pitches forward and sobs. He nods through the hands that cover his face. Rin lets out a long exhale and his shoulders slump. He steps forwards to touch Haru’s shoulder.

“I don’t understand.” Haru’s voice is broken. He pulls his hands away to reveal red rimmed eyes.

“Haru, it’s…”

“I DON’T UNDERSTAND!” He lashes out. His legs and arms flail, kicking and punching the sides of the cubicles. A bin goes flying and Rin has to jump out of the way. Haru’s chest heaves. He shrinks into himself again and sobs loudly. Rin kneels on the dirty floor in front of him. He soothingly rubs his thigh.

“What’s wrong with me?” Haru whispers.

“Nothing!” Rin coos.

“Then why! WHY?! MY WHOLE LIFE… I’VE WANTED TO BE NORMAL! BUT I COULDN’T!” He slams his hands into the cubicle wall again. It shakes.

“AND I FINALLY… I WAS FINALLY OKAY WITH IT! I FINALLY ACCEPTED IT!” Haru pulls at his hair and begins to scratch at his chest. Rin grabs his hands and holds his wrists tightly. Haru screeches and tries to pull them back, but Rin is stronger. He finally lets out a frustrated scream, then crashes against Rin’s chest.

“I finally found someone.” He sniffs. “So why… was it all for nothing?” His voice cracks. Rin lets go of his wrists and holds him around the shoulders. He soothingly runs a hand through Haru’s hair and makes shushing noises.

“No, no, Haru. Sometimes things just change. It’s ok.”

“It’s been so hard.” Haru cries. And Rin knows. He had been there the whole time after all. He’d seen the people walk in and out of Haru’s life, like he was a product that didn’t behave the way they wanted. He’d gotten the text messages on the lonely nights and watched Haru close himself off to those around him. But Haru always acted unfazed. Like it didn’t bother him. He’s never admitted to the challenge before.

“I know.” Rin whispers. He squeezes Haru closer to him. “I know.”

Haru shudders and wraps his arms around Rin’s waist.

“I love him so much.”

Rin stiffens at the confession. Then he softens and smiles. He pushes Haru back by the shoulders. Haru is limp and his head falls forward.

“Ok, Haru. Calm down. We can get through this.” Haru barely lifts his head to look at Rin. Rin smiles reassuringly at him and lets out a clipped chuckle. “Wanting to bang your boyfriend is hardly the worst thing that’s happened to you.” Rin stands and crosses his arms over his chest.

“Remember in year 8? And we had that class camping trip and you threw up on the teacher? That was waaaay worse than this.”

Haru glares at Rin, but he’s stopped shaking. His tears have slowed as well.

“You’re the worst.” He shakes his head. Rin grins and shakes Haru lightly by the shoulders.

“I’m also your best friend, you dickhead.” And he laughs. He crouches in front of Haru again and holds him so he can not shatter. Until the tears have dried on his face and the panic fades away.

Chapter Text

Haru tries to slide back into the way things were, but it’s obvious that he’s keeping a distance. He doesn’t lean on Makoto during rehearsals. He doesn’t sit on his lap during video game nights at Rin’s. He doesn’t kiss him in the middle of the day ‘just because’. Haru tries to give himself space to think, to analyse every interaction he has with Makoto and the way it makes him feel. He feels like a field researcher, carefully documenting his social interactions and responses. Like he might be able to easily identify a cause and effect. So far his only conclusive results are that he can’t stay away from Makoto… not in the way he needs to.

When had Makoto become such a pivotal point in his life? When had he started buying double the amount of groceries he needed? When had he started rolling over in the middle of the night to grope around for a warm body next to him? When had he realized that he hadn’t needed to finish a sentence for a long time… because Makoto always just knew. Without Haru even noticing, Makoto had picked up all of his little behavioural quirks and mannerisms and could read him like a book. Makoto would take him by the hand and lead him out of rehearsals when Haru started to get frustrated with his playing. Haru never told him he was frustrated. Haru never even sighed. He never threw his bass down in frustration, but Makoto’s hand had just been there all the same.

But Makoto doesn’t know what’s wrong now. Ever since their last gig, when Haru had run to the bathrooms, he knows something is going on in Haru’s mind. He plays it off like it’s nothing, but he notices the absence of Haru by his side. He reaches out to hold Haru from behind, like he always does, and Haru slips out of his grip. He tries to kiss Haru on the mouth, but he feels him stiffen against him.

“Haru?” He asks one night over dinner. Haru is drawing swirls in his sauce that has pooled on the plate. He hums at Makoto.

“Have I… have I done something wrong?” Makoto sounds scared and it breaks Haru’s heart. “I mean, have I made you uncomfortable? Because you can tell me. You need to tell me so I know.” Sweet, supportive Makoto. He’s used to Haru slowly leading him through what he likes and what his limits are, and he hasn’t done anything he’s hasn’t done previously… but he has to wonder. Had Haru been forcing himself? Had he been uncomfortable this whole time and only now was trying to stop it? Haru stops idly playing his food and looks into Makoto’s loving face. Makoto nervously chews his bottom lip and sadly drops his gaze.

“No!” Haru reaches across the table and holds Makoto’s hand. The contact shoots electricity up his arm. It’s still a strange feeling, but he doesn’t pull away. He slowly rubs a circle against Makoto’s hand with his thumb.

“You’ve been…perfect.” Haru whispers.

“Then why…?”

“I’m fine.” Haru quickly interrupts him. He wants to show him he’s fine. He wants to go back to how things were, when he knew what he was doing. He swallows, then stands up. He paces around the table until he’s in front of Makoto, looking down at him with fierce determination. He climbs onto his lap and Makoto seems hesitant to let him. He looks up at Haru with wide questioning eyes, but lets himself be drawn in when Haru starts to kiss him. It’s slow and easy, and fills Haru’s chest with warm sunlight. This is good. This is normal. Makoto gently places a hand on his neck and Haru deepens the kiss. He licks along Makoto’s teeth and swallows his tiny gasps when he pulls Makoto’s hair. Makoto pulls Haru closer and eagerly runs his tongue along his bottom lip. Haru’s starting to stop thinking now. The innocent warmth in his chest is gone, but one in his lower abdomen spurs him onwards. He grabs fistfuls of Makoto’s hair, who responds with a low groan. One of Makoto’s hands slides down Haru’s stomach and stops at his naval. Haru raises up on his knees slightly, trying to get the hand to go lower. Touch me.

“NO…!” Haru yanks himself back and Makoto immediately takes all of his hands away. He holds them beside his head, almost in surrender, like they’re weapons  that need to be fully visible to Haru. Haru’s panting and his eyes are glassy.

“I’m sorry!” Makoto immediately bursts out, assuming it’s his fault. “I’m sorry. I got carried away! It won’t happen…”

“Stop.” Haru whispers. Every word out of Makoto’s mouth just increases the guilt in his stomach. It aches far worse than his groin.

“Please stop. It’s not your fault.” He breathes. He presses his forehead against Makoto’s with his eyes closed, and breathes in his sandalwood scent.

“It’s never your fault.”

“Haru?” Makoto goes to touch Haru’s cheek, but he pulls away. He stumbles off of Makoto’s lap with shaky legs and runs his fingers through his hair.

“I uh… I think I’m sick.” And Haru actually thinks he is. He wants to vomit like he is. “I don’t feel well.” Makoto only half believes him. But Haru is paler than usual and his skin sheens with sweat, so Makoto nods.

“Ok, ok.” He sighs. “Do you want me to stay over and…”

“No,” Haru is too quick to cut him off. “No.” He repeats, more gently this time. “I don’t want to get you sick too.”

Makoto opens his mouth to protest, but then closes it. If Haru needs him to go, then he will go.

“Ok.” He forces a smile. “I’ll head off now then.” He stands.

“You don’t have…” Haru grabs his hand. The night is still early and he still wants to spend time with Makoto. He doesn’t think he could sleep next to him, but he should at least be able to stay and finish his food. They could sit on the couch and talk for a bit. Makoto squeezes Haru’s hand.

“It’s fine. You should get some rest.” He smiles and steps forward. He places a small kiss on Haru’s forehead.

“Get better soon.” And Makoto means it. If Haru won’t tell him what’s wrong, then he’ll give Haru all the time and space in the world to fix it himself. Though it pains him to be so helpless. All he can do is wait.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Haru nods and receives one last kiss on the cheek. When Makoto leaves, the apartment is cold and silent. Haru doesn’t finish his food. The smell makes him sick, and besides, he has no appetite. He goes to his bedroom and crawls into bed, with his jeans and t-shirt still on. He curls into a tight ball, trying to fill the emptiness in his gut. What’s going on with me? The tears come unbidden.

The guilt stinging in his stomach snowballs into self loathing. How could this be happening? Had he not tried enough with his previous relationships? Did he give up too easily? No! If you have to try then you’re not sexually attracted to them. That’s what Rin had told him. You shouldn’t have to force it. If it’s not there, then it’s not there. But maybe he didn’t look hard enough. You don’t have to look, Haru! Haru rolls onto his back. He feels his tears roll down into his hairline and ears. He had fought the label ‘asexual’ for so long. He kept pushing for things to happen. He kept telling himself it would happen. He was just a late bloomer. He just didn’t like girls. They just weren’t the right person. Terrified excuse after terrified excuse. But then he had accepted it.

I am asexual. He wore it like armour. He embraced it fully and tied his whole identity to it. He could finally explain his situation to people with just one word. He foolishly let it define him. And now… with his very obvious sexual feelings towards Makoto, all of that had been ripped out from under him. His entire sense of self, shattered so easily. He feels like a liar.

In the following days after his first reaction during the gig, Haru had tried to tell himself that it was just a reaction to some kind of stimulus. He had gotten aroused before. He had masturbated before. He enjoyed having sex… but he never did any of these with another person in mind. He tried to tell himself he just liked the way Makoto made him feel. It wasn’t because it was Makoto doing it. But then he remembered Makoto’s body in those tight pants. How his hips had thrust his crotch against the microphone stand. His strong arms that could easily lift Haru off the ground. It was far too easy for Haru to imagine Makoto’s hips grazing against his. Makoto’s strong arms pinning his thin wrists down and Makoto’s mouth, capable of so many pretty sounds, on his throat. No. Haru couldn’t deny that he was completely enraptured in Makoto.

Haru rolls onto his side, reaching out blindly to grab his phone. He finds it with a clunk and taps out a message.

To Rin: Were we wrong?

To Haru: No.

Rin had been the person to suggest Haru was asexual in the first place. Back when Haru was still desperately trying to force himself to feel something that was impossible for him to feel.

To Haru: It was the label that fit best at the time. That doesn’t make it any less untrue.

Haru holds his phone close and re-reads the words several times.

To Haru: I still think it fits best, but obviously Makoto is a bit of an exception.

Haru doesn’t reply. Rin expects he’s spending too much time in his head. He needs to get him out of it.

To Haru: Remember when I thought I was straight for ages? Until Sousuke showed me the wonders of dick?

Haru, despite himself, exhales a laugh into his pillow. Yeah, he remembered. That had been awfully interesting. Rin had been in a state for a week until he kicked down his apartment door and screamed “YES! I DO WANT TO FUCK MY BEST FRIEND! THAT’S RIGHT HE’S A GUY! HE’S HOT! GUYS ARE HOT! WHAT’S UP?!”.

To Rin: How could I forget?

To Haru: Well I wasn’t a liar. I just hadn’t figured stuff out yet. And everything worked out better for it.

To Haru: So you’re still figuring stuff out. It’s ok. You’re allowed to do that.

Haru exhales into his pillow. He’s tired. He’s been figuring stuff out for 21 years now. His phone buzzes again.

To Haru: I’ve never seen you as happy as when you’re with Makoto. Please don’t give up on him yet.

Haru knows he couldn’t even if he wanted to. Being with Makoto is terrifying now, but the small touches and kisses on his cheek are exhilarating. His laugh filling the early mornings are irreplaceable. Being with Makoto feels like falling, and Haru hasn’t touched the ground yet.

To Rin: I won’t.

The next morning, Haru is woken up by a knock at his door. He looks down to realize he’s fallen asleep in his t-shirt and jeans from the day before, that are now soaked with sweat. He looks down at his shirt with distaste. He hears his door open, obviously he had forgotten to lock that as well, and footsteps approach his bedroom. His door squeaks when Makoto peaks inside.

“Haru?” He whispers. Haru groans and rolls onto his side to look at Makoto. It’s hard not to smile when he sees him.

“Are you feeling better?”

Haru shrugs and pushes down his blanket.

“Haruuuu~” Makoto chides. “Did you fall asleep in your clothes?” He steps inside the room and places the bag he’s carrying on the ground.

“That’s not good. You’ve sweat through them.” He fusses. He runs his hand over Haru’s mussed hair, trying to smooth it down.

“Go take a shower. I brought you some porridge. I’ll have it waiting for you when you get out.”

“Makoto, I’m fine. I don’t need…”

“Shower.” Makoto says sternly. His face then softens into a shy smile. “Please?”

Haru nods and smiles. “You’re too nice, Makoto.”

The comment confuses Makoto, but he continues smiling all the same.

“I’m your boyfriend. I’m supposed to take care of you.”

As promised, Makoto hands Haru a bowl of rice porridge when he steps out of the shower in a fresh set of clothes. The porridge is soothing on his stomach, even though Haru isn’t actually sick.

“How do you feel?” Makoto sits next to him on the bed. Haru slumps against the headboard with a sigh.

“Tired.”

 Makoto hums.

“Did you want me to leave? Otherwise I brought my laptop. I could stay with you for the day while you rest?”

Haru closes his eyes, imagining a lazy quiet day with Makoto.

“I’d like that.” He smiles.

Makoto sits on Haru’s bed, tapping away at a literature review for one of his classes throughout the day. Next to him, Haru has cocooned himself in a blanket again but curls against his side. He watches a movie on his ipad, then when he gets tired of that, switches to doodling in his sketchbook. He ignores the mounds of school drawing he has to complete, and instead treats himself to things he likes to draw. He fills pages with detailed renders of dolphins, and devotes an entire two page splash to drawing a detailed coral reef, complete with different species of fish swimming about. Makoto takes his eyes off his essay to secretly peek at all of these drawings. Haru then starts to sketch a tiger shark, swimming underneath the great shadow of a whale shark.

“Sousuke’s tattoo has a whale shark, right?” Makoto comments, hoping not too startle Haru from his doodling. Haru nods.

“I drew it for him. I told him he looked like one once and it made him laugh.”

Makoto laughs at that.

“I can see that. They’re big, but only eat plankton right?”

“You’re learning.” Haru smiles.

“My boyfriend is very smart.” Makoto bends down and kisses the top of Haru’s forehead.

“Rin reminds me of a tiger shark.”

“Does he?”

Haru hums. “It’s the teeth mostly.” Makoto laughs again.

“That’s not nice.”

“I’ve seen the marks on Sousuke. You haven’t.” Haru smirks. He starts to doodle a Rockhopper penguin in his book now.

“And Nagisa?” Makoto pushes his laptop away, knowing he won’t get much more work done.

“Why a Rockhopper penguin? Why not a Fairy? Or an Adelie?”

“Fairy penguins have angry faces.” Haru remarks. “And Adelie’s are too stubborn and stupid.”

“So why a Rockhopper?” Makoto scoots closer. His chest comes into contact with Haru’s back.

“Because they are blonde and silly.”

Haru stops drawing and smiles into his pillow when he hears Makoto laugh behind him and the mattress squeak with his weight as he lies down. Haru grabs Makoto’s arms and winds them around his waist. Makoto, still unsure of what is happening between him and Haru, hesitates. But when Haru presses his back against Makoto, Makoto softens against him.  Haru takes a deep breath. It feels like coming up from air after he’s been drowning.

“So does that make you a dolphin then?” Makoto mumbles against the back of his head. Haru smiles and shrugs.

“They’re my favorite.”

“It suits you. They’re beautiful and graceful…” Makoto smirks. “…but secretly they’re the jerks of the ocean.” Makoto laughs. Haru elbows him in the ribs, but that just makes him laugh harder. He squeezes Haru tighter.

“You know me too well.” Haru chuckles. He closes his eyes and enjoys the feeling of Makoto’s chest rising and falling behind him.

“What about me then?” Makoto tries.

“You?”

“Mmmm.”

Haru closes his eyes and thinks for sometime. Makoto assumes he may have fallen asleep when he speaks again.

“A killer whale.”

“What?” Makoto scoffs.

“Yeah, they’re big.” Haru’s voice sounds sleepy.

“Is that all you see when you look at me? How tall I am?” Makoto feigns insult. Haru threads his fingers in between Makoto’s.

“Like they’re big, and smart, and their families are really important to them. And they’re mostly chill.” Haru laughs to himself. “But they can get really aggressive when they have to.”

“You think I’m capable of getting aggressive?” Makoto sounds incredulous.

“I think you could mess someone up pretty bad if they were threatening someone you cared about.”

Makoto hums and squeezes Haru. He then leans up on an elbow to kiss his cheek, before falling behind him again.

“You’re right.”

They lay together in comfortable silence for an immeasurable amount of time. Makoto hasn’t been sleeping well lately, too worried about Haru and what he’s not telling him, but he feels the darkness of sleep approach now. He’s just about to slip over the edge when Haru whispers.

“Can you stay over tonight?” He sounds needy. As much as Makoto wants to give Haru everything he asks for, he knows that he still hasn’t overcome whatever’s been bothering him. He presses his face into the nape of Haru’s neck.

“I think you should rest. I’ll just keep you up.”

But Haru can hear the words Makoto doesn’t say.

“I think that’s smart.” He sighs.

The next day, Haru is again woken up by Makoto creeping into his apartment. He carries a thermos of rice porridge with him again, but he also brings something else. When Haru is sitting on his bed, eating his porridge, Makoto presents him with a stack of new sketchbooks and pencils.

“I noticed you didn’t have many pages left of your last one.” Makoto rubs the back of his neck, like he’s worried Haru won’t like the books he’s chosen. Haru thumbs through the thick pages, testing their density and smoothness.

“You didn’t have to…” He starts, but Makoto is rummaging around in his bag for one more thing.

“And I picked this up for you too. Whenever I’m not feeling well, I like to just lay down and watch things. You don’t have many movies, so I got you this.” He hands Haru a copy of David Attenborough’s The Blue Planet. Eight 50 minute episodes detailing the history and life of Earth’s oceans. Haru breaks into Makoto’s favorite smile. The rare one that exposes his teeth and makes his eyes crinkle.

“Will you watch it with me?”

Makoto lays on the bed, and Haru curls into his side whilst David Attenborough’s soothing voice rings out from tinny laptop speakers. Haru places his hand on Makoto’s chest. He can feel the muscles underneath his thin t-shirt and he restrains his hand from running back and forth along his chest, then down to his abs. NO! We are watching something now!

The bad thing about Makoto being so considerate, is that it makes Haru’s feelings only grow stronger and cement themselves in his gut. He still hasn’t dared to kiss Makoto on the mouth, too worried that these unbidden feeling will flare up and consume him once more. So Haru removes his hand and focuses on the rich pictures of the ocean being displayed in front of him. The rise and fall of Makoto’s chest reminds him of waves.

Makoto doesn’t stay that night either. He slips away, in spite of Haru’s hand that grabs at his shirt.

“Staaaaayy” He whines. He’s only half awake, woken up when Makoto shifted to leave. Makoto removes his hand and kisses it.

“I’ll be back tomorrow. Get some rest.”

And when he shows up the next day, with his thermos of rice porridge in tow, he prepares a vase of water on Haru’s dresser and places a bouquet of daisies and sunflowers in it.

“Flowers?” Haru looks up sleepily from his breakfast. Makoto hums.

“They always cheer me up. I thought they might make you feel better.”

Haru smiles at the bouquet. The daisies seem to smile back and the sunflowers crane their heads towards the sun that filters into the room. Haru glances skeptically from the flowers to Makoto, now pulling his laptop out of the bag.

“They’re my favorites.” He says, referring to the daisies and sunflowers. They are simple and bright. He loved to draw sunflowers in particular, and their tall stalks with their sunny heads had started to remind him of someone in particular.

“I thought they might be.” Makoto smiles. “I figured you wouldn’t like anything too fancy.

They resume their routine of Makoto working on assignments on his laptop, and Haru watching his new set of DVDs on his, until he finishes a disk and pulls out a sketchbook. It’s one of the new ones Makoto gave him. The pages feel crisp underneath his touch and his pencil glides easily over it. Makoto tries to peek at the drawing, but Haru blocks it with his body.

“I’ll show you when I’m done.” He states. Makoto clicks his tongue in annoyance.

“No fair.”

Makoto becomes engrossed in his schoolwork, not noticing that Haru has yet to turn the page of his sketchbook yet. He’s been working on the same drawing for almost an hour, turning his pencil sideways to shade certain areas, frivolously erasing to clean up and highlight other areas. Makoto takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes as they begin to sting from staring at a screen all day. He groans and goes back to typing, when Haru pokes him in the side. Makoto hums, but then a sketchbook is thrust in his face.

“It’s you.” Haru states. Makoto blinks at the sketchpad several times before he registers what’s on it. It’s a drawing of what is unmistakably him, lying on his side asleep. His hair is fluffed up and he might be drooling slightly. But around him a mass of daisies and sunflowers grow. Several crawl along his arms and nestle underneath his head like a pillow.

“Is this really what I look like when I sleep?” Makoto laughs at the bit of drool that slides from his mouth. But the drawing is beautiful, and he looks beautiful in it. His hands rest in relaxed fists by his face, and his expression is peaceful. His shirt is hitched up around his waist to reveal his lower abs and hips. He marvels at all the details. All the things Haru has apparently noticed about him. He’s even drawn the scar on his knuckles from where he scraped his hand on a pool wall during a swimming tournament.

“It’s what I see.” Haru states. He doesn’t meet Makoto’s eyes. “You can keep it… if you like it.” He mumbles.

“Really?!” Makoto perks up. He traces his fine fingers over the pencil marks, careful not to smudge them.

“You made me look so pretty.” He laughs.

“You’re beautiful.” Haru says. There’s no hint of embarrassment or mockery in his voice. He says it like it’s fact, the same way he would say “it’s raining”. Makoto’s grip tightens on the picture. His chest clenches tightly and he moves over to kiss Haru on the cheek.

“You’re more beautiful.”.

Makoto makes them dinner, mackerel with stir fried vegetables, but leaves soon afterwards. Haru smiles sadly when he seems him out the door. The salty taste of Makoto’s cooking still sits in his mouth, but he lets him go. He still hasn’t come to grips with his feelings, and they continue to scratch at his insides through the night. He lays on his bed and the bouquet of cheerful flowers sends a pang to his chest. He reaches for his phone.

To Rin: My boyfriend is perfect and I don’t think I can handle it

To Haru: My boyfriend pees on the toilet seat in the middle of the night, so it’s hard to feel too bad for you.

To Haru: Sorry, sorry. I’m kidding, I know this is hard for you. Feeling any better?

To Rin: Not particularly.

To Haru: Will you be up for rehearsal tomorrow?

To Rin: I’ll be there

Somehow, Haru drags himself to Rin’s garage in the morning. He hates the gentle and sympathetic looks everyone gives him when he’s there. They gently ask how he’s doing and if he’s feeling up to practicing. They hold him like something precious about to shatter. He hates it.

“Alright, alright, Haru said he’s fine guys! Jeez.” Rin pushes Rei, Nagisa and Gou aside. They mean well, but Rin can feel the bad atmosphere starting to come off of Haru.

“Now let’s get going. We’ve got less than a month now until our competition.” He commands. Everyone snaps into place and they start to play several of their crowd pleasers. The upbeat ones with the simple or nonsensical lyrics. Makoto focuses mostly on what he sounds like, rather than his stage presence. He mercifully sits on a stool instead of dancing around and showing off his body. Haru silently thanks him for it. The images from their last gig are still fresh in his mind, and the panic in his stomach rests at a gentle simmer. But any provocative movement from Makoto could send him boiling over. After several warm up songs, Gou addresses the group.

“Have you guys figured out a set list for the competition yet? You only get two songs.”

The group ponders this.

“Well, logically, we should do a fast song and a slow one, to show off more of our range.” Rei observes. The group nods.

“You should do Makoto and Haru’s duet then.” Sosusuke suggests from his corner. He’s been remarkably quiet the whole morning. Haru sends him a panicked glare, but Sousuke just shrugs back, clearly not put off.

“Oh yeah! That’d be great!” Nagisa chimes in.

“It would certainly be a contrast to most of our other songs.” Rei agrees. Makoto only smiles anxiously at Haru.

“You uh… Do you think you would like to…would that be all right with you, Haru?” Rin cautiously asks. Haru can hear the real question though. Can you handle it? Haru clutches his bass tightly. He closes his eyes and steals himself for a moment. With a deep breath he calms down.

“Yeah. I can do it.”

“Ok,” Rin nods.

They discuss several other song options and come to an agreement over a song Rin wrote. One that’s incredibly fast and requires Makoto to use his entire vocal range just about, but it displays their skill at staying in time with each other best. Rin, feeling sympathetic for Haru, gets them to rehearse this song first. They play it over and over, until Rin can play the riffs in his sleep and Nagisa doesn’t even have to look at his kit. Gou makes Makoto get off of his stool, but he’s sure to direct his performance outwards. He hops around the garage and punches the air, but he doesn’t do any body rolls against Rin or intentionally lift up his shirt to wipe the sweat from his face. Haru is grateful, but he keeps his gaze straight ahead, just in case.

Makoto raises his hand to stop. His voice is starting to strain and he gets a drink.

“We should probably rehearse the duet for the rest of the time. That way Mako-chan doesn’t hurt himself.” Nagisa offers. Makoto takes an extra big gulp of his water. Haru silently nods. Rei sets up an extra microphone next to Makoto and he drags himself towards it. He keeps his gaze firmly on the ground. Even when he starts to play and sing, he only looks at Makoto’s shoes. When Makoto starts to sing, he can’t bear the thought of not singing to Haru. He gently cups the side of Haru’s face and tilts his gaze upwards until he can meet his gaze. Haru stares up into his bright eyes that are framed by his glasses, and bites the side of his cheek. Makoto rubs the side of Haru’s face with his thumb and Haru leans into it. He starts to close his eyes and sing the chorus that bubbles out of him like a lit sparkler. He feels weightless. It’s just his and Makoto’s voices swirling around inside his soaring body. Until Makoto steps closer and Haru opens his eyes. Haru notices the half an inch between their bodies and he longs to close it. He can feel Makoto’s breath on his skin, but no matter how hard he breathes, he can’t swallow it the way his lungs are dying to. His hands stutter on his bass and he falls out of time.

“Stop. Stop.” He steps away from Makoto. “Sorry.” He had panicked again. Makoto guiltily holds his hands by his sides in fists. He chastises himself mentally for getting too close, for reading something in Haru that’s not there. Selfish. Stupid. He winces.

“You alright to go again?” Rin asks? Haru nods. They start again. And again. And again. Because Haru cannot make it through. Makoto stops touching him entirely, which makes him feel horrible. But when he presses his nose to Makoto’s to show him he’s ok, Haru can hear Makoto’s intake of breath and he has to stop again. His body is on fire now and he can’t get the smell of sandalwood out of his nostrils.

“Take a break.” Sosusuke hops off his stool from where he’s been watching. “You need to regroup.” Rin nods.

“Alright everyone, take 15.”

Haru throws off his bass like a great burden. We wants to talk to Makoto, who has isolated himself in a corner. He makes to go after him, but Sousuke gets in his way.

“Haru, come upstairs, you look like you need a drink.”

“I’m…”

Sousuke doesn’t let him protest. He guides him out of the garage and upstairs to the kitchen. He gets Haru to sit on a stool and pours him a big glass of chilled water. Haru drinks it like a man wandering the desert. Sousuke fills the glass again.

“Rin uh… He told me what happened. The night of the gig.” Sousuke leans on the counter. Haru glares over his glass.

“Of course he did.” He hums venomously. Sousuke rolls his eyes.

“He’s worried about you. He says that you’ve pretty much shut down after realizing you might… want Makoto.” He continues. “And I don’t think you can see how much this is eating up Makoto.”

Haru sets his glass down. He leans forward on the counter and pulls at his hair.

“I can see it.” He whispers. Of course he could see it. The wounded look whenever Haru pulled away from his touch. The glint of self hatred in his eyes for making Haru ever feel uncomfortable. Sousuke sighs and pulls out an iPad. He places it in front of Haru on the counter. He then starts to scribble something on a post it note.

“Look, I know some people. Being a tattoo artist, you get all kinds of alternatives in your store. I’m gonna leave you alone for a while now, but while I’m gone you should google this word.” He places the post it note in front of Haru. “Maybe it’ll help.” He shrugs and walks out of the kitchen, leaving Haru to ponder the word on the post-it note in front of him. Demisexuality. Haru raises an eyebrow at the strange word. They were just making orientations up now, surely. But Haru begrudges Sosusuke’s advice and searches the word on the ipad that has been offered to him. The first site to come up is a resource and support site. Haru clicks the “what is demisexuality?” link.

Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond. Most demisexuals feel sexual attraction rarely compared to the general population, and some have little to no interest in sexual activity. Keep reading to understand more about this orientation.

Haru’s interest piques and he keeps reading eagerly. His throat starts to close and he’s alarmed at how emotional he gets when he finds similarities between the explanations and his own situation. He pours over the FAQ’s, the “could I be demisexual” links and the testimonies from other people. His eyes are moving faster over the screen than his brain can keep up. Then he freezes when he comes to a paragraph discussing demisexuality and its relationship to asexuality.

Demisexuals are considered part of the asexual community because for the most part, they don’t feel sexual attraction. Many demisexuals are only attracted to a handful of people in their lifetimes, or even just one person. Many demisexuals are also uninterested in sex, so they have a lot in common with asexuals.

The thing that makes them different from asexuals is that they are capable of feeling sexual attraction—it’s just that it only happens after they form a deep emotional bond with someone.

“Shit.” Haru whispers to himself. He presses a hand to his mouth. He can feel his shaky breath come through his fingers. Makoto was definitely the only person Haru had ever been sexually attracted to, but were they really that close? Haru laughs to himself. Makoto had started finishing his sentences a month ago. He knew what his favorite flowers were instinctually. And Haru… Haru had been stepping in and protecting Makoto for some time now. Most of the time it was just from his friends teasing comments, but he could pick up on when Makoto was forcing himself to do something or smile, when no one else could. He could anticipate Makoto’s presence at his door, and memorized every detail of how he slept. Makoto had created a home in Haru’s life, that he hadn’t even noticed until Makoto’s absence was painful. Haru lets out another shaky breath, but smiles to himself. He continues to flick through the site. His eyes sting when he comes across another paragraph.

Some people, who have not felt sexual attraction, wonder if they are demisexual because they could feel sexually attracted to someone in future and have not yet met the right person. My advice regarding this is to go with whatever best describes you now, and worry about changing your label if you have new experiences later on (they might happen, they might not). If you haven’t felt sexual attraction, asexual might fit better, but if you have felt sexual attraction after forming an emotional bond with someone, demisexual might fit better.

Haru pushes the iPad away and holds his head in his hands. His eyes sting and with his next blink he can feel tears gather and fall. I wasn’t lying. He cherishes the revelation. I wasn’t wrong. He hadn’t known. How could he? Everyone else was far too quick to leave before any kind of emotional attachment developed. Those relationships had been frivolous and shallow. Haru never felt understood or safe with them. Makoto was the only one who had ever tried, who had ever liked Haru just for being himself. Being with Makoto was effortless. He smiles and sniffles. The tears flow freely and he tries to wipe them away. His stomach is full of butterflies, and despite his tears and a new kind of nervousness, he keeps smiling.

“Haru? How’re you…?” Sousuke walks back in to check on him. He’s met with the sight of Haru hunched over the bench and crying into his hands. Sousuke freezes and glances back down the stairs. Rin, Rin! I need Rin! But he doesn’t run away. He cautiously approaches Haru.

“Haru?” He gently asks. Haru picks up his head and wipes the tears away. His eyes are red-rimmed, but Sousuke can see relief in them.

“I’m ok.” Haru answers. He doesn’t need Sousuke of all people fretting over him.

“I’m ok.” Haru laughs and sobs at the same time. Because he is. Finally. Sousuke stands opposite him. He thumbs at the iPad on the counter.

“Did it help?”

Haru nods. He then rests his arms and head on the counter. He suddenly feels exhausted.

“Do you think you can get the rest of rehearsal cancelled?” He mumbles into the counter. Sousuke chuckles.

“Of course.” Sousuke moves to go down the stairs, but hesitates in the doorframe. “You want me to send Makoto up in a few minutes to take you home?”

Haru nods.

When Makoto comes up to collect him, Haru’s managed to gather himself back into one piece. He’s stopped crying, but his skin is still blotchy. The worry on Makoto’s face is immediate.

“Haru?!” He rushes over to him. Haru laughs and shakes his head. “I’m fine. Really.” Makoto’s eyebrows still crease with worry. Haru raises his hand to smoothe them, then collapses into Makoto. He melts into his broad chest and breathes deep his earthy scent. Makoto stiffens at first, then gently strokes his hair.

“I’m ok.” Haru whispers. Makoto squeezes him tighter and kisses the top of his head. A warmth still burns in Haru’s belly, but he welcomes it. He raises up onto his toes and kisses Makoto gently on his mouth.

“Please stay with me tonight?”

Makoto worries his bottom lip. Haru doesn’t like the hesitation and raises onto his toes again. He kisses Makoto more aggressively this time, winding his hands around the back of his neck. Something roars inside him, but he doesn’t back away from it. Not even when Makoto grabs him around the waist and kisses him back feverishly.

“Please.” Haru breathes into his mouth, then pulls away. Makoto lets out a long breath and nods.

“I missed that,” Haru confesses. Makoto laughs and kisses Haru again, though much shorter this time. His heart surges when Haru doesn’t run away.

“Me too.”

And it’s like slipping back into a dream. Over the next few days, Haru can’t keep his hands off of Makoto. Makoto stays the night, and Haru draws designs into his cheeks with his fingertips. He kisses Makoto every chance he gets and doesn’t look away when Makoto walks out of the shower. His mouth fills with saliva at the sight and he wants to run his hands over Makoto’s slick back muscles. He throws himself back onto the bed and laughs. Amazing.

“Are you making fun of me?” Makoto leans over him. His glasses are slightly fogged and his hair drips onto Haru’s stomach. Haru shakes his head. He leans up onto his elbows and kisses Makoto. His lips are still wet and god, had he always tasted this good? Haru places a hand on Makoto’s shoulder, then drags it down his chest. It feels just as glorious as Haru had imagined. He could easily flick Makoto’s towel off in one swift movement. It was right there. But Makoto stops and pulls away.

“I need to get dressed now.” He smiles.

Their rehearsals are easier, and though Haru still struggles through their duet, he doesn’t run away. He just has a hard time keeping his hands working on his bass, when they would much rather be in Makoto’s hair. Haru starts to greet the hunger in his belly like an old friend. He smiles and looks at Makoto with adoration when he feels it. He treasures the feeling as a reminder of his bond to Makoto. Only you could have done this, he thinks when Makoto kisses him at the end of the song. Only you can make me feel like this.

“That was a good rehearsal today, Haru.” Makoto declares as he throws himself onto Haru’s couch. He takes an extra long sip from his water bottle and rests his head back. Haru hums in agreement, then hands Makoto a cold bottle of ice tea from his fridge. Makoto takes it appreciatively and Haru eyes the way his adam’s apple bobs when he swallows. Haru kneels next to Makoto on the couch and begins to kiss his cheek. Makoto laughs and sets the bottle of ice tea down on the table. That’s when Haru decides to attack his mouth and he swings a leg over so he’s straddling Makoto’s lap. His kisses go from pecks to open mouthed and wet. He slides his tongue along Makoto’s and tightens his grip on the back of Makoto’s neck. Makoto starts to make little groans and whines and Haru swallows them all. He runs his tongue along Makoto’s bottom lip, then bites it between his teeth. Makoto gasps. Haru delves back into his mouth, following the demands of the roar in his abdomen. He sits his weight onto Makoto and can feel his boyfriend hardening against him. The realization makes his head spin. He presses his chest closer to Makoto and swallows his ragged breathing, but it’s not enough. He’s not close enough. He moves his mouth down Makoto’s throat and bites at his jugular. Makoto throws his head back and grips Haru’s waist tightly.

“Ah, Haru… hang…” But Haru draws out another cry when he begins to bite at Makoto’s ear. Makoto’s shallow breaths and cries in Haru’s ear make his body react accordingly. He’s starting to strain against his pants and he’s burning all over. Makoto is hot too, but Haru wants to submerge himself deeper in this fire. He pulls away and whips his shirt off. Makoto’s glassy eyes widen at the beauty of his chest and abs, but then he looks worried. Haru comes back to kiss him, and he doesn’t kiss back quite as enthusiastically. Then he feels Haru’s hands on the bottom of his shirt, trying to tug it upwards. Makoto pushes the hands away.

“Haru, I don’t understand. Why…?”

Haru cuts him off with another fierce kiss. He inhales deeply through his nose and reaches out for Makoto’s hand. He brings the hand up to cup at the bulge in the front of his jeans. Makoto, wide eyed and confused, pushes against it. Haru moans into his mouth and Makoto almost loses it then and there.

“I don’t… I don’t understand. I thought…” Haru has released his mouth and starts to kiss up his jawline again. Haru thrusts against Makoto’s hand.

“I want you.” He exhales in Makoto’s ear, and obviously Makoto has been blessed by some God of patience, because he doesn’t pin Haru down onto the couch. Instead he grabs Haru firmly by the shoulders and pushes him back until he can look into his eyes.

“Haru, stop, stop. I’m worried.” He looks into Haru’s dark eyes. “What’s happening? Why… why are you saying these things?”

Haru still pants, but he manages to chuckle.

“You…. You confuse the hell out of me, Makoto.” He reaches out to hold both sides of Makoto’s face and he presses their foreheads together. “You make me feel things… And you’ve completely shattered what I thought was possible.”

“Haru,” Makoto sounds scared. He cradles the back of Haru’s head.

“You confuse the hell out of me.” Haru repeats, laughing and smiling harder. Makoto places a reassuring kiss on his lips.

“I’m not asexual.” Haru confesses. Makoto inhales, but continues to strokes Haru’s back reassuringly. “I was… I was so convinced I was. But I can’t be.” Haru swallows.  “Because I love you.” He kisses Makoto passionately. “And I want to do things to you,” He gasps, then kisses Makoto again. “And I want you to do things to me” He comes up for air. Makoto can’t breathe. He can’t see, he can’t hear, all he can feel is the solid lump strangling his chest and throat.

“I love you too,” He chokes. He grabs Haru to kiss him before he can notice the tears in the corners of his eyes. “I love you so much.” He utters in between kisses. “I was so worried.” He breaks away. Haru bends down to kiss the tears from his eyes.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers into Makoto’s skin. “I was scared. But I’m not anymore.” Haru cups Makoto face and kisses him senseless. His hands start to move down to Makoto’s shirt again.

“You sure?” Makoto asks. “This is what you want?” Haru smiles widely and laughs.

“Yes. You’re what I want.”

He goes to pull off Makoto’s shirt again, and Makoto obliges. But when Haru tries to lunge back at him for a kiss, Makoto stops him. He rubs their noses together and holds Haru’s unwavering gaze.

“Ok, but we’re going to go really slow ok?” He pecks Haru on the lips. “If you wanna stop you tell me. I’ll stop immediately. I promise.” Haru doesn’t doubt him for a second.

Makoto kisses him again, and it’s feverish and desperate. Haru’s hands scramble on Makoto’s shoulders for purchase. Makoto’s hands travel down to Haru’s hips, and he begins to slow their kissing into a lazy, sultry dance. He grips Haru’s hips and guides him to roll down against his lap. Haru gasps when he feels his and Makoto’s erections against each other. He begins to move of his own accord and Makoto slowly thrusts his hips up to meet him. The friction makes his head swim, but it’s not enough. Makoto, as if reading his mind, starts to unbuckle his pants. He slides them down Haru’s hips and palms him through his underwear. Haru groans loudly.

“This ok?” Makoto asks. Haru shivers and nods against him. Makoto reaches into Haru’s underwear and pulls him out. The feel of Makoto’s warm hand on him makes Haru lose all sense of himself. He begins to lap at Makoto’s jaw and he slides his tongue into is ear. Makoto hisses, then begins to pump Haru slowly. Haru continues to bite and abuse Makoto’s neck and ear. His body is a shivering wreck, but he wants to feel more of Makoto. He reaches a hand down Makoto’s defined torso and stops at his waistband.

“Wait.” Haru sits back on his ankles. “You too. I want to touch you.” Makoto swallows, and lets Haru undo his pants. There’s an obvious tent in Makoto’s underwear and Haru’s touch is cool when he reaches in to pull him out. Makoto lets his head fall back onto the couch for a moment, gathering himself. He then starts to move his hand again. Haru keens forward, resting his forehead on Makoto’s shoulder, but he hasn’t forgotten about Makoto. He starts to pump him at the same pace. Makoto groans and squeezes Haru’s erection harder. A tiny whine falls from Haru’s lips. Makoto surges forward to meet it. He kisses Haru sloppily, just running their tongues together. Haru curiously opens his eyes to look at Makoto. He is in awe of the high blush on his cheeks, the sweat on his forehead. Haru gapes at how erotic his boyfriend looks, and how he is the one to bring about this reaction. The feeling goes straight to his loins and he begins to thrust into Makoto’s grip.

“Here.” Makoto pulls Haru closer to himself, so their two erections touch. He then begins to pump both of them at the same time. Their precome makes their skin slick and Haru lets out a series of high groans. He’s not going to last much longer.

‘Let me…” He reaches out to wrap his hand around Makoto’s. It makes the grip around their erections hotter and tighter. A low rumble vibrates in Makoto’s throat.

“Haru, I’m not gonna…” He pants. “Cum with me, Haru.”

Haru nods and with just a few more strokes, he does. A tight coil in his stomach releases and he shudders violently in Makoto’s grip. Next to his ear, he can hear the beautiful noises Makoto makes. They lean against each other, panting, not daring to move.

“Was that… are you…?” Makoto wheezes. Haru laughs and wraps his arms tightly around his neck. He kisses him until Makoto can’t remember what he was concerned about.

“It was wonderful.”

And when they sing together at the Battle of the Bands, with Haru’s eyes glistening underneath the dark eyeshadow and glitter Rin has applied to them, and Makoto’s hands on either side of his face, the chemistry between them is palpable. Gou fans herself from the wings of the stage and Rin smiles at the two so enamoured with each other. Makoto looks every bit like a rock star in his tight leather pants and shredded tank top. Every audience member looks at him greedily, but he only has eyes for the delicate, soft-spoken boy in front of him. On the final note of their duet, Makoto leans forward and closes the remaining gap between them. Haru sighs and smiles against his lips.

Makoto kisses him again when they win second place.