Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

steven felt sick. he felt so, so sick.

it was the middle of summer, his room was dark and hot. in fact, the whole house was dark and hot. it had been three days since the gems left for a mission, and steven couldn't recall much from any of the days he had spent alone. he needed to shower, he needed to brush his teeth, drink some water. he needed to do anything but lay down some more.

but still, he turned over, clinging onto the lingering tiredness he had, hoping he could sleep for just a few more hours. just a few more hours until morning, and then some more hours until the afternoon, some more until night, and then he was practically a nights rest away from seeing the gems again.

he shut his eyes and breathed in and out slowly, hoping to put himself to sleep. it did not work. his blanket was too heavy for the heat, he was covered in sweat. steven groaned as he pushed off the blanket, feeling dizzy as he stood up for the first time that day.

"ah jeez.." he muttered to himself, holding the side of his head with squinted eyes. his head was pounding, he could hear the blood circulating in repetitive throbs. he figured he should probably take something for that.

steven made his way to the stairs, making sure to hold onto the wall as he walked down.

steven wasn't sure why it was so hard to take care of himself lately. how hard could it be to just get up? why couldn't he ever just get out of bed? its not like he wanted to stay inside in his room all day- he WANTED to be normal again. he didn't know what his problem was. any normal sixteen year old would be out having fun right now, it was the middle of july after all. a perfect saturday night, wasted. he could easily find something to do, he had plenty of friends, right? he was steven universe, right?

steven entered the bathroom, now face to face with his mirror.

he WAS steven universe, right?

steven sighed, pulling open the cabinet. his eyes darted around, looking for some sort of painkiller. Tylenol, that should do it.

he fidgeted with the child lock cap for a few seconds before popping the lid off the small bottle, holding the bottle up to read the dosage directions.

it really should have only been a passing thought, but part of him wondered how many he could take before he dosed too high. was he brave enough to take 3 instead of 2? 10 instead of 2? a handful?

steven continued to stare at the bottle, his hands getting increasingly more sweaty. gross, he thought.

"get it together steven." he whispered, taking two pills and securing the lid back on the bottle, placing it back in the cabinet. he bent over and turned on the faucet, sipping from it to swallow the medicine. the water was cool on his face, a reminder of just how hot it was in the house.

steven walked through the living room and out onto the porch, finding it difficult to keep his balance. when the fresh air fit his face, he felt nothing. and that was new.

steven took in a deep breath, trying to appreciate being outside as much as he could. after all, he had been in bed for the last few days- shouldn't he feel better now?

still, he felt nothing. it was as if the atmosphere of the dark, quiet house followed him outside. or maybe it was him who brought that energy around. he didn't want to think about it, honestly. but if there was anything his brain COULD do, it was think. think about everything he hated to think about.

it would think rude things about the gems, which always made him feel guilty. it would think rude things about himself. it would think about how he'd be better off dead. it would think about all of the ways the people he loved would benefit from him just getting it over with and offing himself already.

he looked down over the side of the porch. he wondered if the drop could kill him.

stevens head throbbed with a surging pain, making him stumble to the side a bit, trying not to fall over.

maybe if he got a little closer he'd fall right off the edge.

steven huffed, frustrated that the Tylenol hadn't kicked in yet. he couldnt be too upset, though. it was his fault that his head hurt. he was the one that laid down all day, not drinking water or getting sunlight. it was his fault, so he had no right to complain.

he wished he hadn't woken up. he wished he felt something other than the vauge but prominent urge to end himself. he wished he could look up at the night sky and shed a tear, but instead he averted his eyes, knowing that its just as miserable out there in space than it was here on earth.

steven felt sick. not physically anymore, but mentally. he felt so sick. only a sick person would wish they could die such a horrible death. only a sick person would sleep all day to avoid feeling like a real living human. only a sick person like him would find comfort in the fact that he could take his own life at any moment, no matter what.

steven walked back inside, having enough of standing around on his porch. it wasn't doing him much good.

he noticed the more time he spent alone, the more thoughts he had about that- about killing himself. it wasn't a constant feeling, not when he was with others. there were even full days where he didn't think about it. those were the good days.

today was a bad day. in fact, the whole week was bad. it was bad, which is why he tried to sleep through it. when the gems told him they were going on the mission and his father was already out touring with sadie and her new partner, steven knew exactly what would happen. he would try it.

it was really his fault. the gems werent to blame for leaving him all alone, his dad either- after all, he was sixteen years old. thats quite old enough to take care of yourself, right? they wouldn't be at fault if he were to do something awful. it was his own fault for not letting them in on his thoughts. the thoughts that kept him up at night. the thoughts about how it would feel to be shattered. the thoughts about how many pills it would take to kill a half alien.

how many would it take? did he even have enough? he supposed he would have to find out.

steven found himself walking toward the bathroom door, his body feeling ten times heavier than usual. he stopped for a moment.

what the hell was he doing?

steven stood in place, staring at the bathroom door with half lidded eyes. he picked at the skin on his thumb, a bad habit he had developed.

he continued to walk.

he shut the door behind him.

he should really try to go back to sleep.

but he doesn't. he opens the cabinet, looking away from his reflection. he grabs the bottle of Tylenol and dumps it in his mouth, not giving himself a second to rethink his decision. if he didn't do this now, there would never be a good enough time.

he grabs another bottle, without checking the label. he empties it into his mouth, before ducking his head down to drink out of the faucet. he didn't care whether he lived through this or not. he had to know if he could do it.

suddenly steven felt sick again, like before. this time he thought he might actually throw up. the heat in the room was intense. he needed some fresh air if he didn't want to waste all of the pills.

steven shut off the faucet and left the bathroom, sweat making his shirt stick to his back. he paced out of the hot beach house, grabbing his keys. he wasn't really sure where he planned to go.

steven practically stumbled down the porch stairs, and leaving tossed sand behind as he sped up to his car. the wind off of the ocean was cool on his damp pajamas, making him breathe a sigh of relief.

steven sat in the front seat of his car, starting it and turning up the ac on full blast. he let the cold air hit his face for a moment, breathing heavily. he felt a little less sick now, without the constant heat.

he backed out of the sand, making his way up the hill above the temple. he hoped the air up there would be as grounding as the ac.

for a moment, he really thought about his situation. it was 1am, and he was pulled up by the old lighthouse in his dad's old car, for what easily could be the last time.

he felt nothing about it.

it scared him, almost. when did he become so apathetic?

if it weren't him, he would feel sad. he knew that. he always struggled to pity himself, even if it would help even a little to think he didn't deserve all of this.

however, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't bring himself to be concerned about this. he was either going to die in the next 24 hours, or live to try again someday.

he put the car in park, shoving his keys in his pajama pants pocket. he walked to the edge of the cliff, leaning on the fence. he thought back to when the fence was first put there, thanks to amethyst. it wasn't a very great memory.

steven watched the waves crash against the cliff below. the water really was beautiful. it was dark and haunting, but in a way that was easy to appreciate.

the cool wind was stronger up here, making stevens clothes and hair whip around rhythmically. he turned around, looking at the old lighthouse. he wondered if anyone still hung around in there- he doubted it. everyone he knew seemed to be moving onto bigger and better things. more important things.

steven sighed. sitting down against the fence. he fidgeted with the keys in his pocket, wondering if he should just go home and stay there. why did he come up here in the first place? just to feel some shred of remorse? did he think something up here would change his mind? wasn't it a bit late for that now?

as steven blankly stared on into the distance, he swore he saw a figure standing by the side of the lighthouse out of the corner of his eye. steven focused hard.

was he hallucinating? he swore there was nobody here just a moment ago.

and yet- the figure moved closer. they were holding something.

a baseball bat?

oh jeez.

Chapter Text

steven stood up. he didn't exactly want to live through tonight, but he wasn't really anticipating being pummeled to death by some baseball bat wielding murderer. the figure moved closer, and steven watched it. it seemed to take the shape of someone roughly his height- maybe a little shorter. yet, he couldn't place a face on it.

steven picked at the skin on his thumb again. the figure called out.

"h-hello?"

whoever it was sounded startled. were they afraid of steven? steven took a step forward this time, squinting.

he couldn't recognize them at all. great.

they continued to move forward, until they were just close enough for steven to finally be able to make out who they were. a boy stevens age, wearing a brown jacket with a fuzzy interior, loose light blue pajama pants, and a white t-shirt. he lowered the bat, his expression quickly changing from terrified to relieved.

"woah, steven! you scared me there… what are you doing up here?"

it was peedee fryman. how the hell was steven going to explain why he was up here to peedee fryman? did he even have an answer for him?

"oh, hey peedee! just uh.. up here to see the stars, that's all.."

peedee glanced at the sky briefly, before looking back at steven.

"isn't it a bit cold?" he asked, genuinely. it was quite chilly. not that steven minded.

steven didn't know what to say. suddenly all of his social skills had left him. what do you say to someone you haven't even texted in over 2 years? did it matter? could he just get in his car and leave without talking at all? what did he have to lose, really?

its not as if steven disliked peedee. it wasn't like that at all. steven just hadn't had the chance to really hang out with him much, and now wasn't exactly the most ideal time to start, right?

but still, seeing peedees expression grow more and more confused as the seconds passed without steven giving him a reply made him itch. he could never be so rude, not even at a time like this. he could put on a show to get himself through this interaction and then hopefully back on the beach, where he could die a somewhat dignified death.

"ah, its kinda chilly, yeah."

really? thats the best he could give? he wished he could hit himself.

peedee gave him a funny look, before turning around.

"well, its not as bad in the lighthouse if you wanna chill in there.." he said, looking back at steven.

steven really wanted to decline the offer of shelter from the cold, as he had quite enough of being indoors. yet, he found himself following peedee inside.

once inside, peedee led steven to an old white couch, where peedee took a seat as well. steven sat down, fidgeting with his car keys in his pants pocket. he realized probably looked crazy outside in a t-shirt right now. he had no idea how the temple had gotten so hot, considering it was not a hot night outside by any means. it wasn't cold, unless of course you were on a tall cliff like he was, but it certainly wasn't hot.

"so, what are you doing up here?" steven asked, trying to take any attention off of himself.

peedee looked embarrassed by this question.

"um, well.. it used to be ronaldo's hang out spot, but, uh.. since he's in college and such now, ive been kind of keeping it up, y'know?" he said, with a nervous laugh.

"ronaldo is in college!?" steven blurted, surprised.

peedee rolled his eyes, smiling.

"yeah, he wants to study animation or whatever. he cant even draw a stick figure, man."

the two laughed. it had only been a minute or so since they sat down, but it already felt like they were kids again. steven liked the feeling, but it was bittersweet. it was one of those feelings that was hard to come by, and usually it would serve as a shred of hope for him, telling him he should just hold on a little longer, but today it acted as a sort of goodbye gift for him.

"you got any big plans ahead of ya, steven?" peedee asked, sitting back on the couch a little more.

what a funny question, steven thought, considering the situation and all. he could almost laugh.

"you could say that, i guess," steven cleared his throat. he felt like he wasn't putting up a good enough front, and that wouldn't do.

"but, uh, how about you?"

"me?" peedee asked, shocked. "i dunno. ive been really into reading up on medical stuff lately, i've learned a lot so far, actually. maybe someday i can go to college too and make it out of this city.. you know?"

peedee stared off at something steven couldn't see. he sighed.

"when was the last time we even talked? i feel like theres so much i haven't gotten to tell you." the boy asked, glancing at steven. steven rested his hand on his chin.

"jeez.. its probably been years." he said, as if he didn't already know that.

"thats crazy. i guess it has been a while, huh" peedee practically whispered.

there was a moment of silence. steven felt like peedee wanted him to be the one to say it first.

"fill me in on what i missed, i wanna hear everything!" steven said, with a smile. the smile was hardly returned by peedee.

"well, lets see.. we got a cat, her name is pumpkin. dad says shes the 'family cat' but im the only one who takes care of her, so.." peedee said, with a small smile now. it soon disappeared. "dads been different lately, though. he decided to close down the shop a few months back, which is totally weird for him. he's sick a lot lately too. and you know, with ronaldo gone, its been hard taking care of dad alone all the time."

steven got the feeling there was a lot more peedee wanted to say, but he left it there. steven didn't get the chance to reply, before peedee started talking once more.

"but uh, how about you? what have i missed with you?" he asked, his smile big, but somewhat fake.

"uh, well, i actually got a cat too! her name is cat steven."

"i didn't pick the name." steven added, with a small chuckle.

it felt so fake to him, but peedee seemed to buy it, nodding along.

"oh yeah, ive also been getting more into gardening lately, but im taking a break from that right now to uh, focus on myself a little."

peedee got more comfortable on the couch, sitting back more. "i dont see how anyone can garden- i always kill plants by accident."

steven laughed, looking up at the ceiling. "yeah its.. hard."

he and peedee sat in silence for a moment, as steven traced the edges of each wood panel above them with his eyes. he was starting to feel dizzy- that probably wasn't good.

"sooo.. what else?" peedee asked, lightly nudging stevens arm. steven tilted his head.

"thats pretty much it."

peedee sat up straight, looking surprised.

"what do you mean? what about that pink injector thingie from like, 5 months ago?"

steven almost forgot. how?

"oh…"

steven wished he hadn't been reminded. suddenly he felt as if the lighthouse was as hot as the beach house. he swallowed hard.

"well, uh, my mom kinda left someone in space for a long time, and she came back to uh.. hurt me, i guess. its all fine now, though." he said, gesturing awkwardly with his hand.

peedee sat up fully now, turning completely towards steven.

"wait, what? i never heard of you having a mom, i thought it was just you and your dad!" he said, surprised.

steven laughed awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck.

"its complicated. i dont think i could explain it if i tried.."

when steven looked back at peedee, he was staring at him with wide eyes, beckoning him to continue.

"uh, my mom was like, a space dictator? kinda crazy i know. she made a lot of mistakes and things got a little rough for me and the gems.. its all normal now, though. we've been able to help undo a lot of her mistakes." he said, with a weak smile.

speaking of undoing her mistakes, he wondered how much longer it would take for all of those pills to kick in.. it had already been like, 30 minutes. steven realized he actually had no idea how things like this worked.

"i can never predict what you're gonna say, you know that?" peedee said, tilting his head at steven. steven smiled for a moment, before quickly returning to his far off expression he seemed to be holding more frequently these days.

peedee continued to stare at steven. steven didn't notice.

"you alright?" peedee asked, tapping steven on the arm again. steven jumped a little, startled.

"y-yeah.. uh" steven looked away. "you said you know about medical stuff, right?"

peedee looked at him, confused.

"..yeah? why?"

"how long does tylenol take to kick in, usually? like on average."

peedee pulled his legs up to his chest.

"well, any painkiller in pill form should take, like, anywhere from 20 to 60 minutes to kick in." he said, nonchalantly. "why, do you have a headache or something?"

steven wanted to reply, he wanted to tell peedee that it was just in fact a headache, or hell, maybe he would tell him he took two whole pill bottles and needed medical attention- but suddenly he felt sick. very sick.

stevens body shook. something felt wrong. he knew what it was.

"woah, steven, are you alright?" peedee asked, getting on his feet now.

"y..yeah, i-"

suddenly, his vision became spotted.

"uh, actually no, do you have a trash can?" he asked, trying to act as normal as possible. it seemed the consequences of his own actions had finally caught up to him. he had kind of hoped he'd die before the 'horrible sickness' part.

"ah, jeez, uh-"

peedee rushed around the first floor of the lighthouse, trying to find something suitable for the clearly sick steven. he opened a cabinet, finding a small black trash can. it'd have to do.

peedee rushed it over to steven, who immediately ducked his head into it and promptly ejected the contents of his stomach (which was mostly just pills and water- he had forgotten that he hadn't eaten a meal in days.)

after a moment of silence (once steven was done) peedee cautiously approached steven, who was still shaking violently.

"you're really pale, do you need anything? i can run to-"

peedee paused.

were those.. pills?

"uh, steven.. how many of those did you take?"

steven froze. for a moment, the shaking completely stopped. how was he going to get around this? could he even think of an adequate lie right now? while hes sick, shaking, and on the verge of blacking out?

would it be worth it to just..

no, he thought. he had to at least try to see this through.

"i- uh.." steven started, before he was abruptly cut off by a now panicking peedee.

"steven, give me your keys, im taking you to a hospital."

so much for that.

Chapter Text

steven looked up at peedee. he really didn't have much of a choice. he reached for his pocket and pulled out his car keys, handing them over to peedee. the boy took them quickly, throwing on some slippers and reaching for the door.

 

"come on" 

 

steven followed. he didn't know what else to do now. once in the car, steven laid his head back in the passenger seat. his throat burned. he heard peedee hastily start the car, immediately backing off the hill. 

 

"what are your symptoms like, steven?" the boy asked, now making his way down to a main road. steven pulled his legs up onto the seat, wrapping his arms around his knees. 

 

"uh.. stomach hurts.. dizzy.. kinda tired" he said, now putting his head in his arms.

 

"hey, keep your head up. dont fall asleep." peedee said, sternly.

 

steven lifted his head back up, causing a surge of dizziness. "ugh.." 

 

peedee tapped his fingers on the steering wheel nervously, and despite stevens condition, he noticed.

 

"uh, im.. im sorry." steven whispered. peedee didn't immediately react, as if he hadn't heard him.

 

"..huh?" peedee asked, turning his head toward steven, perplexed.

 

"dude, you don't have to be- what?" peedee could have laughed. how ridiculous, why would steven feel the need to apologize right now? if anything, HE wanted to apologize. he was the one who unknowingly intruded on stevens alone time- though, of course he was glad he did, considering steven could die if there was nobody to step in. 

 

"listen, you don't have to be sorry. okay?" peedee said, as calmly as he could. he suddenly realized how dire the situation was. steven nodded, pulling his legs in closer.

 

peedee tightened his grip on the steering wheel, staring intensely at the road in front of him. steven had seriously tried to kill himself tonight. peedee could feel himself start to sweat. he had no idea when steven took the pills- or how many he took. who knows, maybe it was already too late! he glanced back at steven, who had his head back down.

 

"aye, steven, head up." he said, nervously. steven complied.

 

"tell me more about uhh, your mom." 

 

"..what? my mom?" steven replied, confused.

 

"yeah, tell me something about her. you gotta stay awake."

 

"im not dying or something, just tired.." steven said, looking over at peedee.

 

"just do it, kay? you're better off awake."

 

steven sighed, positioning himself upright more. his whole body felt… sick. he ignored it.

 

"uhh, she uhh.. had a lion." 

 

"a lion?"

 

"yeah, he's my pet now, kinda. he mostly just does his own thing." 

 

peedee shook his head. 

 

"y'know its kinda funny how casually you say you have a pet lion, steven." 

 

steven laughed, sleepily. peedee glanced back over to him, smiling slightly.

 

"do you still hang around that jerk lars?" he asked, focusing back on the road. he figured it wouldn't hurt to pick up the speed a little- nobody else was on the road this late anyway. he tapped his fingers on the wheel, impatiently. it was still about a 5 minute drive to the hospital to go. steven sat up a little more, crossing his arms over his abdomen. lars. he wished he could talk to lars right now, though having peedee as company was actually kinda nice.

 

"yeah, he's not a jerk, though." steven said, looking out the window at the view of the highway. he could see the water in the distance. he wondered if anyone else was awake right now, or if it was just him and peedee.

 

"oh yeah? i guess i wouldn't know. last i knew he was still picking on…" peedee cut himself off, unsure if steven even knew lars used to pick on him- steven sure did seem oblivious to it when they were kids.

 

"nevermind." he said.

 

steven was always kind of dense when they were younger, most serious things went right over his head. peedee used to envy steven for his naive nature, now he wondered if he got it all wrong. he wondered what steven had been dealing with all this time. 

 

he glanced at the boy in the passenger seat. he was definitely steven- he had the same chubby face and curly brown hair- but something was different. maybe peedee felt that way because he was driving him to the hospital for an overdose, he admitted to himself that it could be a factor- but even without that, steven seemed quite sad. he carried himself as if he was carrying the weight of all the world's problems- and from what steven filled him in on, maybe he was.

 

"how about the uh… your gem… moms?" peedee asked, cautiously, not entirely remembering what steven always called them. "how are they these days?"

 

"the gems.. they're alright, i guess."

 

so where are they right now? - peedee wanted to ask him. to peedee, it seemed like steven had read his mind, because he answered exactly that.

 

"uh, they're on a mission right now."

 

there was silence for a short moment. steven shifted uncomfortably in his own passenger seat. he realized peedee knew the gems enough to have the means to communicate his little.. issue.. with them. he wished he had just stayed home, suffering in the heat until he died, or something like that. even though he could hardly bring himself to feel a single identifiable human emotion, he knew he felt bad for peedee in this moment. he felt bad for making him feel as if it were his responsibility to take him all the way to the hospital the next city over- and now he realized he probably would be telling the gems about this too. steven didn't mind the thought of dying just an hour prior, but now he wished his body would just get it over with and shut down for good. he didn't just not mind death anymore- he wished he was dead. he wished he was dead more than anything else now. 

 

he wished peedee had stayed home tonight- that way steven could die without peedee feeling responsible for his safety, and so that peedee didn't have to be out and driving at this ungodly hour, just for stevens sake. 

 

steven cleared his throat, catching the boy's attention. "peedee, im.. sorry, again." 

 

steven sat up more.

 

"you wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for me. i should have just stayed home tonight.."

 

peedee glanced at him, confused.

 

"what do you mean? i was already up, its not-" 

 

peedee was cut off by steven, who was now fully sitting up, looking out the window (to avoid looking towards peedee).

 

"but you.. you wouldn't have to be out here if i just stayed home and.." he paused.

 

"and.."

 

"you know.."

 

peedee sighed, not out of annoyance, but more so out of sympathy.

 

"steven, this blows."

 

there was silence, before steven dared to ask what he meant exactly.

 

"..huh?"

 

"this blows." he repeated. "i always wanted to get back in touch with you- it just sucks that this is the first time we've hung out since we were young, huh? im sorry for that."

 

peedee held his breath, unsure if that came out the way he wanted it to. steven got what he was trying to say, although it confused him slightly.

 

"you're.. sorry? friendship is a two player game, peedee.. its.. not like i held up my side that well either." 

 

peedee hummed.

 

"we should hang out more after this." 

 

steven almost liked the sound of that. it made him less sure that he wanted to die- had that feeling already passed? was it even possible to be so sure you wanted to die one minute, and want to live on the next? when did his emotions become so complicated?

 

"y-yeah.. we should."

 

soon, they pulled into the expansive driveway of the closest hospital. steven took a deep breath in upon seeing the building. his heart dropped. he recognized it.

 

this was where connie's mom worked.

Chapter Text

stevens breathing picked up its pace, as he shook his head, burying his face back into his knees.

"peedee, i can't go in."

peedee parked the car, taking out the keys. he felt it would be better if he held onto them for now. he slipped them in his pocket.

“I'll come in with you, it'll be fine.”

steven shook his head again, looking up at peedee.

“no, i just- can't. connie's mom works here.”

“why does that matter?”

steven was stumped. why DID it matter? even if he saw her, she won't know why he's there. he looked back at the building. there was a chance she wasn't even working, too.

and so they both stepped out, peedee leading the way for steven. as they went through the front doors, steven remembered the last time he was here- when he and connie fought off the forced fusions. he shuddered, not a great memory.

peedee helped check steven into the urgent care, as steven wasn't doing much else but staring at the floor, arms crossed.

“name?”

silence.

“uh, his name is steven.. universe?”

peedee nudged stevens side.

“thats your actual name, right?” he whispered. steven looked up, the woman at the front desk glaring at him.

“uh.. yeah.”

she lifted an eyebrow at him, looking him up and down.

“in for?”

“he's in for an overdose.” peedee said, trying to be quiet and calm, so he wouldn't embarrass steven. steven wished he could thank him for that. the woman dropped her snarky expression.

“i see, go ahead and sit down, one of our doctors should be with you shortly.”

and so they did.

“this part usually takes forever..” peedee whispered, bouncing one of his legs up and down as they sat. steven continued to stare at the floor, unblinking. this was a waste of time. he felt basically fine- just a bit sick, but he didn't expect it to happen immediately anyway. he felt fine enough to just go home, pretend he's alright and then eventually feel his entire body shut down as time progressed. but he couldn't, now that peedee was roped into all of it. he couldn't lie his way out of this, and he couldn't just brush it off. he knew he was going to be fine, and he just wasn't sure how to feel about that.

steven stared so hard at the floor that his vision began to warp, the colors around him darkening and changing. his head hurt.

suddenly, a voice called his name, snapping him out of his thoughts.

“..steven universe?”

he looked up, and his stomach dropped. standing in the doorway to the ER was connie's mother, priyanka maheswaren herself. steven could have passed out on the spot right there, if peedee hadn't stood up, gesturing for steven to follow him. he obliged, staring back at priyanka, dumbfounded. this had to be a sick joke, right?

“it really is you!”

steven tried his hardest to smile how a normal person would.

“yeah..”

“here, come this way.”

they all began to walk. peedee had already put together the pieces. this was connie's mother- what terrible luck steven was having, he thought.

“when they told me there was a patient in the lobby so late, i was surprised.. but then i saw your name and i just knew i had to take you as a patient!”

steven kept his arms crossed as he walked, he was starting to feel nauseous again. priyanka opened the door to a small room with a bed and a few pieces of standard medical equipment and invited them in. steven looked around for a moment, and then looked at priyanka.

“what do i…”

she tilted her head. steven looked to peedee, who pointed towards the bed.

“go on and take a seat, steven.” she said, taking out a clipboard and a pen. steven felt a rush of fear pass through him, from his head to his feet. he picked at the skin beside his nail on his thumb.

“lets see.. this says you're in for…”

suddenly, she stopped speaking. she flipped to the next page, and then back to the first. her eyes widened, as she looked back up at steven. he looked away, as she cleared her throat.

“i see.. what did you take?”

the question felt so uncomfortable to steven. he knew priyanka wasn't judging, but he felt her eyes staring. wondering. he knew she wasn't judging, and that she wasn't mean or scary at all, but in the moment… steven certainly felt judged. he looked back up to see her patiently awaiting his response, peedee seated beside her, looking just as interested in the response as her.

“a bottle of tylenol..” he finally managed to say. “and another bottle.. of something. i don't know what it was.”

priyanka took a deep breath, looking down at her paperwork and briefly scribbling something down. steven shifted uncomfortably on the bed, the thin paper lining crinkling below him.

“alright, how long ago?”

“..around.. an hour ago, probably.”

she nodded, scribbling onto the paper once again.

“stay here, ill be right back.” she said, gripping the clipboard in front of herself, taking in another deep breath before she turned around, heading out of the room. the door shut softly behind her. the room was silent for a moment. peedee was the first to speak.

“it's gonna be okay, steven.”

steven didn't feel like it was gonna be okay. he gritted his teeth, giving peedee a weak thumbs up and a pained smile. he was sure if he spoke right now he would just cry- he wanted to spare himself the embarrassment.

there was silence again, until,

“she came to the shop once y'know?”

steven didn't look at peedee, but he replied.

“yeah?”

“yeah, her and connie stopped by and got some fries a while back.” he tilted his head to the side. “well, she didn't get any. she said there was too much oil, which is, y'know, fair.”

steven smiled, turning to peedee.

“do you ever get sick of fries?”

“what do you think? ive been making them every day for the last five years of my life. i never want to see a potato ever again!”

“that's crazy, i could never get sick of fries.” steven said, plainly.

“well, i'll tell you what, once we're back in town i'll make you some fry bits.” peedee said, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair. steven smiled again, before staring at the room's door.

“ill take you up on that.”

Chapter Text

it was a few more minutes before priyanka walked back in, and the rest of the visit went relatively smooth, or at least it wasn't as bad as steven imagined it would be (despite it being very much embarrassing.) nobody was angry with him, he was prescribed something, he couldn't really recall what.

the good news was, he wasn't going to die (which he figured was the case already). he would probably still feel sick for a day or two, but he would survive, especially with the help of his gem half- what is the use of healing powers if they can't protect you too, right?

dr. maheswaren asked him if he thought it was a good idea to go back home, and truly he didn't have any clue. he hoped peedee would answer for him, but when he looked to the boy he stared back, waiting for stevens response. it made him uneasy.
he knew he didn't want to stay at the hospital any longer, though, so he opted out of an extended visit. that didn't go over very well with her, but at the end of the day she knew it would be harder for him to stay than go. the poor kid had only ever been to the hospital one other time in his life, she figured he wouldn't hold up very well in a psych ward.

before the two left, bottle of whatever they called it in peedees hand, steven stopped in the hall, making peedee turn in his direction, confused.

“uh, ill be right back, okay?”

before peedee could respond, steven turned around to peer back down the long hall, spotting dr. maheswaren once again. she wasn't talking to anyone, just standing outside of the room they were in. steven took the opportunity to ask her a question.

he walked up to her, and perhaps he was too quiet in his nervousness, because she jumped with surprise once she looked up and noticed him.

“oh! steven, is something wrong?”

he shook his head, looking away out of shame.

“uhh, no.. i was just..”

he looked back, and she didn't look annoyed with his stuttering. he took a deep breath.

“if you could not tell connie i was here, that would be really awesome.” he said, with a thumbs up.

a thumbs up. was he always so awkward towards humans? he gritted his teeth.

“you dont have anything to worry about steven, all of my patients information is completely confidential.” she said, kindly. steven had never heard her speak this way towards him until today. it almost made him feel better, but it also made him feel awful. he didn't know how to feel most of the time these days anyway.

he nodded, breathing out a sigh of relief, whispering thank you to her before turning away. he felt bad for wasting her time, but he felt better knowing connie wouldn't have to worry. nobody would have to worry, and that was fine with him.

“but, steven,” she said, reaching a hand out and placing it on his shoulder. he turned back to her.

“i think you should talk to someone about this. maybe try telling the gems about your feelings if you haven't already, or even your father. im sure they would be more than happy to listen.”

steven smiled, nodding once again.

“ill try that, thank you.”

there was absolutely no way he was trying that. not with the gems, and especially not with his father.

“alright then, have a good night steven.” she said, before sending him back down the hallway. he thought hard about what she said.

he wished he could talk to the gems. he really did wish he could. he wished it could be like how it used to be, but this time he was the one to fix, and nobody could even figure out why he was so upset. not even he could.

sure, he had some baggage. who wouldn't in his position? but he always felt like it wasn't enough to justify acting how he did.

why did he always want to hurt himself? why did he push everyone away? why would he take a bunch of pills and pray he would just die already? he just felt ungrateful for the people who were there for him when he was in a tough spot before.

he was so embarrassed to feel so badly all the time, which he thought was weird. out of all the things he should feel, why was he mostly feeling just.. embarrassed? he would never understand himself.

steven turned the corner, making eye contact with peedee. he was leaned up against the wall right before the exit, waiting for steven. his face lit up slightly seeing him, which made steven smile.

“what was that about?”

“oh, nothing, just wanted to ask her a question, that's all.”

once the two left the building, they got in stevens car, peedee still volunteering to drive.

“are you sure you don't want me to drive?” steven asked, before putting on his seatbelt.

“you can't drive right now, just let me do it” he said, starting the car.

steven looked out the window. he could hardly hold himself up, the fatigue of the whole ordeal settling in just now.

“yeah i guess you're right” he said as the car started, and the two began the drive back to beach city.

Chapter Text

steven crossed his arms and laid his head back as they continued down the road. he closed his eyes, focusing on the hum of the air conditioning. despite the many, many hours of sleep he had gotten throughout the week, steven almost felt.. tired. he could have even fallen asleep, if it weren't for peedee breaking the silence.

“want the radio on?” he asked, not knowing he was interrupting the very welcome silence.

“yeah, that's fine.”

steven didn't know why he couldn't just say ‘no’. peedee flipped through the channels, deciding on a rock station. steven was fine with it after a little while. peedee glanced at steven, who was looking out the window.

“what kind of stuff do you listen to?”

steven looked back at him. “ah, a little bit of everything i guess..”

his gaze returned to the window quickly after answering. he always tried to make a point of looking people in the eyes when talking to them. he didn't really know why, because he didn't like eye contact much. maybe he just wanted people to feel listened to.

“yeah? thats cool. i guess im kind of that way too.” peedee replied, trying to fill the silence with something. he was sure steven didn't want to talk about music- steven probably didn't want to talk about anything. but still, he figured silence lead to thoughts, and sometimes thoughts were scary. peedee wanted to distract him if he could.

“do you mind if i stop at a gas station?” peedee asked, after another moment of silence. steven was somewhat surprised by this question.

“what for?” he asked, turning to look at peedee once again.

“oh, i just need to pick up some cat food.”

steven was sort of relieved that peedee asked this, he wasn't sure why. maybe it was because he felt bad that peedee went all the way to a hospital out of town just for him, when he probably planned on being asleep by now. maybe peedee could get something out of the ride so steven wouldn't feel so guilty.

“yeah, thats fine!” steven said, looking back at the road.

once they arrived at the nearest gas station, peedee quickly got out of the car, motioning for steven to follow. and so he did.

“come on, you should probably get something to eat” peedee said, looking back at steven, already walking to the entrance. steven stood just a few feet from the car, stopped. peedee was right, steven had never felt so hungry. how did he forget? he had come to the same conclusion earlier in the day- that he hadn't had a meal in days. when did he start skipping meals like that?

he watched peedee walk into the front doors of the store before he realized he had just been standing there like an idiot. a car had pulled up near him, and it honked at him, signaling that he should move. he jumped, scrambling out of the way and apologizing as he walked inside.

the first thing steven noticed when he was opening the glass doors was peedee already standing in line. steven nervously crept around the cramped isles of the store, looking for something he could stomach. he found nothing. he thought again about how he hadn't eaten in days. earlier when he realized that, it wasn't as much of a shock to him as it was now- probably because he had a few other things on his mind. but now he really thought of it. usually, food was an escape of sorts for him. it wasn't his proudest habit, but he often turned to food for comfort when things got especially bad. he used to only dream of being able to go days without eating. now he did it completely by accident? he wasn't sure what that meant for himself.

it made him want to see if he could go another day. or two. its not like he could find anything good to eat anyway. And plus, he was a gem, right? If a bunch of pills couldn't do the job, a little hunger wouldn't kill him either.

“hey, steven, did you pick something out? i got what i came for.” peedee raised a bag full of canned cat food, walking towards steven.

“i, uh, dont have my wallet. lets just go.” steven said, waving his hand. peedee raised an eyebrow at him.

“what? its fine, im paying.” peedee replied nonchalantly. steven inhaled sharply. there was no way he was going to let peedee spend money on him.

“its fine! seriously, i can eat at home.”

peedee crossed his arms, holding the bag of cat food in one hand. steven gave him his best convincing smile.

“seriously, im not even hungry!” steven added, walking towards the door. peedee didn't follow.

“steven, you need to eat something! get a drink too.” peedee said, walking over to the drink fridges towards the back. steven followed him, trying desperately to assure him he didn't need anything while awkwardly dodging the other customers walking through the aisle. peedee reached in and pulled out an apple juice, handing it to steven.

“how's that? or do you want something else?”

steven looked down at the juice. it did look really refreshing. he really, really wanted it. how was apple juice his weakness?

peedee also handed him a pack of cookies. and then a bag of chips.

“not the most nutritious meal, but its way better than nothing.”

steven shook his head, handing the items back to peedee. “no, it's fine! please don't spend your money on me.” steven pushed them further into peedees arms. “please.”

peedee turned away, shrugging. “if you say so..”

steven didn't expect that to work. did he really convince peedee just like that? However, instead of walking towards the exit of the store, peedee walked straight to the counter with the items he had tried to get steven. steven watched him set them all down. why was he buying them? steven walked over.

“uh, peedee, i really don't need anything..” steven said, not really believing himself.

peedee looked back at him and smiled. “Well, thats great. Cuz im not buying them for you, Im buying them for me!”

Steven sighed, accepting his defeat. If peedee was willing to go this far just for steven to eat, he would try.

Once the two left the convenience store, they were immediately back on the road. Steven messed with the plastic bag full of cat food and snacks as peedee drove. He wondered where he was going to even go now. Maybe home? He didn't really want to go home and be alone. Not yet. He had spent enough time alone at the beach house this week. Or, maybe they would go back to the lighthouse and hang out there. But steven figured peedee would be too tired to stay up outside with him, and he understood.

Steven reached into the bag and fished out the pack of cookies, tapping his fingers on the packaging for a few seconds before opening it and taking one out. They were lemon flavored.

“Is it alright if we swing by my place real quick? I just need to feed the cat, Ill just be in and out.” Peedee asked steven, immediately answering the question steven had in his mind. He was unsure of why Peedee sounded.. almost afraid to ask? Steven hoped he hadn't made Peedee feel as if he would be upset at him for asking that. He figured it probably wasn't that simple, though.

“Yeah, thats alright with me!” Steven replied, cheerfully. He wanted to make sure Peedee knew it wasn't a problem at all, since he seemed worried. Peedee nodded, not looking at steven (who was once again attempting to look him in the eyes).

“Alright, sorry for all the stops. I'll take you home right after, I promise.” Peedee replied, in a quiet tone. Steven frowned, leaning forward to perhaps enter Peedees sight. He didn't seem to notice, he was instead focused on driving- more focused than before.

“It's really no problem! Take your time!”

“No, no ill make it quick. I'm sure you want to be home.” Peedee said, still avoiding stevens eye contact. Steven was silent for a moment.

“I..” he looked out the window. “I don't really want to be home.. if i'm being honest. Not tonight at least.”

“Wait, really? Aren't you tired?” Peedee asked, still too focused on driving to look at steven.

He thought hard about that. Was he tired? He felt tired. But that didn't make much sense, he thought. He had gotten so much sleep.

“Yeah, I am. Ill probably just end up sleeping at the car wash, I have a spare key.”

Peedee hummed, nodding.

Chapter Text

After a little while on the road, Peedee and Steven pulled up to a decently large building, one that steven had never seen before. They parked in a small lot beside it, peedee stalling for a moment before getting out of the car. Steven grabbed the bag and handed it to peedee, with a small smile.

“You'll need this, right?”

Peedee didn't answer, but took the bag into his hand. He looked at Steven, finally.

“Did you wanna come in?”

Steven wasn't sure what answer peedee wanted to hear.

“Oh, uh, yeah, sure!” He replied, unsure if that was the right response.

Peedee looked troubled for a moment, before speaking again.

“Okay, just uh.. My house is sorta a mess, alright? So don't mind that.” He said, sounding embarrassed.

Steven was almost relieved hearing this. He was worried that maybe peedee was upset with his answer- but if it were about a little bit of a mess, that was nothing to be worried about. He was no stranger to mess. It wasn't the same as a messy house, but he always had trouble keeping his room clean. He would either forget to pick up or he couldn't bring himself to, and his room always seemed to end up dirty, ever since he was young. Most of the time, pearl would come in and clean while he was gone. For that, he was very grateful. But sometimes, when the gems were gone for extended periods, it would get pretty bad. Those were the times where he really learned how to take care of himself. After those times, his room didn't get messy as frequently. He wondered if Pearl ever noticed that.

“Thats fine!” Steven said, with a smile. “I wont judge!”

Peedee smiled at him.

The two walked up the pathway to the building, peedee taking keys out of his jacket pocket.

“Now that Ronaldo is in college, I got the bigger room. My dad still has the master bedroom, but mines alright too.” Peedee said, twisting the key into the lock of one of the doors along the building's wall. “we've mostly been using my old room for storage.” He added, before opening the door.

The door creaked open, and steven could now see the inside of peedee’s apartment. The first room looked to be a living room. The two stepped in, peedee first and steven following, now shivering from the cold night air.

“You can leave your shoes on.” He said, shutting the door behind steven. “Actually, I recommend it.” Peedee kicked a pile of something to the side of the door, before flicking on the light.

Once the light was on, Steven could see the room fully. There were cans and plates littering the glass side tables on either side of the couch, and piles of clothes and takeout boxes stacked along the walls. There was a clearing in the form of a path towards the next room, which Steven could only assume was the kitchen. Faintly, steven could hear snoring coming from another room. He figured it was peedee's father.

Peedee opened the bag in his hand and took out a can of cat food, walking towards the other room, which was the kitchen just as Steven thought. Steven followed. Peedee flipped on the light in there, too. He tossed his coat onto one of the kitchen chairs. It was even dirtier than the last room. Flies buzzed around the sink, which was full of dishes. The dishes extended onto all of the countertops, and even onto the stovetop. On the kitchen table there was a pile of mail, which steven purposely looked away from. Was it weird or rude to look at someone's mail, he wondered? He didn't want to risk it.

Peedee grabbed an empty bowl from the floor, setting it on the table beside the stack, before opening the can of food. Before he could transfer the food into the bowl, though, a very fluffy brown cat came bolting from another connected room, meowing. Steven and Peedee both laughed.

Peedee emptied the can into the bowl, grabbing a fork from the sink. “She's serious about her wet food. She wakes up as soon as she hears the can open, I don't even know how it's possible.”

He mushed up the brownish goop in the bowl as Pumpkin meowed, pawing at his leg. Once Peedee set the bowl back on the floor, the two sat in silence for a moment. Steven felt like it was his turn to break the silence.

“So, when did you guys move in here?” He asked, crossing his arms while watching the cat eat.

“Ahh, a little bit before dad closed down the fry shop. I was confused about why he would get a whole new place, since we used to just stay there. But I guess it made more sense once we shut down.” He answered, a slight sadness in his voice. He looked back at steven, who nodded.

“Im.. still not really sure why he did it. He said it was only temporary, and that we would open back up with time. He said he just needed to take care of some things.. but i don't think he really wants to work anymore.”

Steven looked at peedee, stalling for a moment before replying.

“So he's not working? Like, anywhere?” He asked. Steven hoped he wasn't intruding, but he was curious.

“yeah.. no, he's not. At least i don't think he is. I'm not really sure how he gets his half of rent. I've never asked.”

“His half? Isn't it just you two here?”

“Yeah, I pay half, he pays half.”

For some reason, steven hadn't even considered that possibility. Now that he thought of it, he wasn't sure that the gems paid rent at all. And his father had no reason to either, since he lived in his van and owned his own business. He felt sort of privileged to not have to worry about something like that. It made him feel worse for peedee.

“Oh.. so you're working then?”

Peedee smiled, and that made Steven smile again too.

“Yeah! I've still got the ol’ food truck. Since I can drive now, I've gotten a lot more business. Hard to beat fries, but tater tots are surprisingly in demand!” peedee's smile soon dissipated. “Its still hardly enough, though. I can make rent, but it was so much easier with Ronaldo paying a third. Its weird, cus i never thought I'd miss him.. but..” peedee trailed off, staring at the cat as she ate.

“Change is really hard.” Steven said, figuring there wasn't much more for him to add. He didn't know what else he could say.

“Yeah..” peedee said, half smiling. “But, anyway, I can get you home now. Or, err, to the car wash.”

Steven almost forgot. “Oh, right.”

A sinking feeling of dread passed over stevens body as he realized he was going to be alone. All night, he was going to be by himself. Even in the safety of the car wash, being away from home and all, he would still be alone. He felt his heart start to beat faster, and he looked over at peedee, who was now grabbing the coat he had just taken off.

Peedee paused, about to slip his coat back on. He could tell steven didn't want to leave. He felt bad keeping him, though. He knew his house wasn't exactly fit for company. But looking at steven, he knew he really, truly didn't mind. Thinking back, he remembered that steven was never really the judgemental type even when they were kids. He felt slightly reassured by that. Peedee set the coat back down, clearing his throat.

“Well, actually, i never showed you my room. Wanna check it out before we leave?”

Steven felt immediately relieved. He could put the fear of being alone to the back of his mind for a little longer.

“Yeah! For sure!” He said, his face lighting up. Peedee noticed the change, and smiled.

“Alright, its over this way, follow me.”

After a little bit of tiptoeing around the crowded house, peedee led steven to the end of a small hallway. There were two doors facing each other on either wall. Peedee stopped in front of the left door, opening it for steven, who walked in, looking back at peedee.

“Hold on, the lightswitch is on the other side” peedee said, shutting the door behind them with a soft click. Now the room was extremely dark, and Steven couldn't see anything at all. Peedee made his way through the dark room, soon reaching the other side and flipping on the light switch, illuminating the room with a soft yellow light.

“Sorry, the switch by the door is busted, i've gotta use lamps now.” Peedee said, embarrassed.

“don't worry, Its nice!” Steven always preferred yellow light anway, it felt less straining on his eyes.

Now that it was no longer dark, steven looked around, taking in the decor. There were posters on the walls, neatly taking up sections with professional looking composition. He had a few shelves filled with books and small keepsakes that steven wished he knew the stories behind. Beside peedee’s neatly made bed, there was a small desk, holding the lamp he was using as a light and some notebooks. Tucked away underneath his bed, there were boxes and books, neatly arranged in short stacks. The floor was wood, somewhat covered by a green rug that extended from underneath the desk almost to the door on the other side of the room. The air smelled like incense and wood, and a hint of laundry detergent. His room looked lived in, but tidy. Steven wished he had the energy lately to keep up his room like that.

“Wow, i love your room!” Steven said, with a big smile. Peedee smiled too, blushing a little bit.

“thanks! Im not done setting everything up yet, but im pretty happy with how its turning out!”

Steven walked up to one of his shelves, examining the books. “What kind of stuff do you read?” he asked, looking back at peedee, then right back at the books.

“Oh, you know, fantasy stuff, mystery, sci-fi..” peedee blushed. “Ah, don't look too hard, though. Some of my favorites from like, middle school are still mixed in there..”

Steven gasped, spotting something he recognized.

“Wait, the unfamiliar familiar!? From the spirit morph saga!?” Steven said, looking back at peedee, eyes wide with excitement. Peedee blushed harder, shocked.

“Can i??” steven asked, about to reach for the book.

“Oh, uh, sure..!” Peedee said, walking over to him, slightly embarrassed.

Steven pulled the book out, smiling and flipping through the pages.

“Do you have the rest of them? Or just the first one?” Steven asked, looking back at peedee, who was now standing off to the side behind him.

“I think i have the first two up there… a few years ago Ronaldo ‘borrowed’ the others and i haven't seen them since..” he said, shaking his head. “You like those books?”

“Yeah! Connie had me read them a couple years ago! Shes the bigger fan, though!” steven handed the book to peedee, who flipped it over, glancing again at the cover.

A couple years ago. That sat heavy on Steven's chest. That was only a couple years ago? It felt like ages ago to him.

“Wow! Ive never heard of anyone else reading these books.. thats really cool!” Peedee said, smiling at him. “I used to love them when i was younger, but i didn't really like the ending that much. Maybe I should reread them, though..” he said, placing the book on his desk. “oh right, there was also that terrible movie adaptation..”

Steven laughed. “You and connie would get along!”

Peedee sat down on his bed. “Yeah?”

“Heck yeah! We should all hang out sometime!” Steven said, walking towards the bed, sitting down next to peedee. “Shes kinda busy with college stuff, though.. but im sure she would love to do it!”

“Huh, college? Thats cool, so shes getting an early start?” Peedee asked, crossing his legs and facing Steven on the bed. Steven leaned back, legs dangling off the side.

“Yeah, shes already a grade ahead too. Sometimes i worry that shes overworking herself, but she seems to have it all figured out!” Steven paused, before looking over at peedee. “Wow, you guys would actually really REALLY get along!” He laughed. Peedee laughed too, leaning back a little.

“you might be right..”

There was a moment of silence, before steven spoke again.

“I sorta wish i knew what I wanted to do like that..” steven said, staring up at the ceiling. “I don't even know what im gonna do tomorrow! or the day after!” he joked. “Oh jeez. I reeeally don't know what im gonna do the day after tomorrow!” Steven said, holding the side of his head and quickly looking at peedee, whose eyes widened in curiosity.

“Huh? How come?”

“The gems are gonna be coming home! how am I going to face them after what I did?” He pulled his knees up to his chest, no longer having his legs dangle off of the side of the bed. “Should i even tell them what happened??”

Peedee raised an eyebrow at him. “Well, yeah, probably..”

“But they're gonna freak out! Like, seriously freak out!” Steven crossed his arms over his legs. “Gosh, and if my dad found out.. i don't even know..”

“Hmm..” peedee looked up at the ceiling, and then back at steven. “What if you wrote them a letter? That way you might be less afraid to tell them.”

“Its not that i’m afraid to TELL them..” steven said, pulling his legs in closer. “Well, actually I am afraid to tell them.. But im more afraid that theyre never going to let me out of their sight ever again!”

For a moment, really just a split second, steven thought about how that wouldnt actually be all that bad. He hated being alone, right? Maybe some extra attention from the gems would be nice.
However, just as soon as the thought entered his brain, it passed. He wanted their attention, sure, he could admit that. But that kind of attention from them was the last thing he wanted in the moment. He didn't want to make them feel bad.. Or make them feel like it was their fault for leaving him. That would make him feel terrible.

“Well, whether or not you end up telling them, ill respect your decison.” peedee said, hoping he could reassure steven. He figured it wasn't really his business what steven does, after all. Steven knows how his family would react better than anyone, of course, and peedee could see why someone wouldnt want their family to know about something like that.

“Wait, so if i choose not to tell them, youre not gonna say anything?” steven asked, almost in disbelief.

“Yeah, your secrets safe with me” peedee looked back at steven. “Don't get me wrong, I still think you should tell them.. At least one of them, yknow? But thats just my opinion.. Like i said, either way i get it.”

Steven laid his head down on his folded arms, lost in thought.

“Thanks..” he looked over to peedee. ‘I guess ill have to think about it before they get home..”

 

The two spent a little longer in peedees room, before steven figured it was about time to get going. He didn't want to keep peedee up too much longer.

“Ill drive you home.. I still don't think its a good idea for you to operate a vehicle.” peedee said, leading steven out of the crowded house.

“Yeah, alright..” steven agreed.

Once they stepped outside, a cool breeze passed by. It was refreshing, since the last few nights had been quite hot. Or maybe it was just the beach house that was hot, steven thought. Its not like he had been getting outside much lately, so he wouldnt know. Steven took a deep breath, letting in the cool night air before it was time to get back on the road. It wasn't a long drive to the car wash, though. Just a few minutes- beach city wasn't a big town, and Peedee’s place was just outside of it.

Once they got into the car, a comfortable silence sat in the air. The sound of the night wind passing over the moving car and the hum of the tires threatened to put steven to sleep. His body felt so tired, despite his brain being very awake. The night hadnt exactly been easy on his body, after all. He still felt a little sick, but he figured thats what the medication he was prescribed was for. He wondered when he needed to take that.

“Are you gonna be alright alone tonight, Steven?” Peedee looked over to steven. Steven looked too, making eye contact briefly before peedee focused his attention back on the road. “I mean, like, should I be worried?”

“Yes!” Steven said, reflexively. “I mean, er, yes- i'm gonna be alright, and no, don't be worried.”

Steven didn't really believe himself, but that didn't matter, as long as peedee believed him. He looked at peedee again, who wore an unsure expression on his face. Steven watched him carefully, trying to decipher his thoughts. Was he not convincing enough?

“I feel better already! Seriously, nothing to worry about here.” Steven added. He realized too late that if Peedee doubted him initially, he certainly doubted him even more now. They were in town now, and not too far from the car wash.

“If you say so..” Peedee said, with caution in his voice. Steven watched the road, looking out for the carwash. He didn't want Peedee to worry about him. He didn't want anyone to worry about him. The once comfortable silence was now slightly less comfortable. Both Peedee and Steven could tell that the other was thinking something they weren't saying.

The silence continued until the car turned the corner of the block. The car wash was within view- but something was amiss. Steven's stomach turned as his body filled with an overwhelming sense of dread..

“Wait, what!?”

His dads van was in the lot. He was supposed to be gone, touring with Sadie and Shep. Had he come home early? That would have been nice to know a few hours earlier, steven thought, somewhat bitterly. His bitterness quickly subsided though. It wasn't his fathers fault that his teenage son couldnt handle being alone for a few days.

What wouldve been a blessing earlier only served to worsen stevens night, now. Seriously, what was he going to do? Peedee slowed the car down, soon coming to a full stop, just down the street from the car wash.

Focus on one thing at a time.

“Uhh, did you know your dad was gonna be here?” Peedee asked, looking at Steven, who shook his head quickly, wearing a shocked expression.

“He’s.. He’s supposed to be out of town!” He said, putting a palm to his forehead. “Ah jeez..”

“Do you have a backup plan?” Peedee asked, calmly. Steven felt like Peedee was being far too patient with him. Steven totally wrecked his night and now he was having him drive all over the place because of something so stupid, Steven felt so bad.

“I guess.. Ill just go back to the beach house then?” Steven said, rubbing the back of his neck, defeated. “Sorry, I know you’ve driven all over the place tonight. You must be getting tired..”

Peedee cocked his head at the boy in confusion, and maybe a bit of disbelief. “What? Dude, its totally fine. Why are you always saying things like that?”

“..Huh? Like what?”

“Like, apologizing for things that you don't need to apologize for.. And you act like you don't deserve normal things.. Its just weird, I guess. Like jeez man, do you ever think about yourself?”

Instead of replying, Steven just stared at Peedee, shocked. Peedee wondered if what he said came out rude. That wasn't his intention.

“Look, I'm choosing to help because I wanted to. So you don't have to apologize or anything.”

Steven took a second to really absorb what Peedee had said, before nodding slowly.

“..Yeah, okay.” He fidgeted with his hands. “Im sorry. Or, uh, I mean… Hmm.”

Peedee laughed. “So to the beach house then?”

Steven took a deep breath, glancing over to peedee. “..Yeah.”

Chapter Text

After the Dondai was parked in its usual spot not too far off from the beach house, Steven led Peedee up the porch stairs, holding his bag of snacks (and his prescription from the hospital) in one hand.

“I feel like i've only ever been in your house once or twice before.. even though we've known each other for a long time.” Peedee noted, following behind Steven. “Did it always have the second level?”

“Huh? Oh, no that's new.” Steven said, looking back at Peedee as the two reached the door. “Has it really been that long since you've been over? The house has changed a lot actually..” Steven reached for the door handle, but paused.

“What's up?” Peedee leaned into Steven's view.

“Uh, could you wait here for a second… I have to check something.” Steven asked, with a nervous smile.

Steven had almost forgotten. He hadn't touched the house since he left. At the very least, he had to make sure the bathroom was cleaned up.

After setting the bag on the kitchen counter, he quickly walked over, turning around to see if Peedee was watching, which he wasn't. Steven was embarrassed, remembering again why they were even hanging out. He tried to kill himself, plain and simple. He wished Peedee didn't know that… nobody should have known. He hoped at least that Peedee wasn't thinking about it.

Steven walked into the bathroom, and sure enough the pill bottles were still sitting out, right where he left them. Steven scooped them up, pushing them into the trashcan and shutting the lid. For now, he would try to put it out of his mind.

He returned to the front door, opening it to let Peedee in.

“Sorry, you can come in now..”

The two walked into the living room, Peedee glancing around the house as they made their way to the couch. The two sat down, Steven laying on his back, staring up at the ceiling before turning his head to look at Peedee.

“You know, I was really ready to die tonight..” Steven practically whispered, before looking back up at the ceiling. His face hosted no particular expression. “Thank you for being with me.”

Peedee looked over at him, sitting forward facing the kitchen. He was surprised to hear Steven say something so blunt. Steven was almost surprised with himself as well. He hadn't really meant for it to come out that way, but it was the truth.

“It's really no problem. It's not like I had anything else going on..” Peedee paused. “And anyway, I'm glad I could help, y'know? It's hard to go through stuff alone.”

Steven nodded, still staring up towards the ceiling. “Yeah..”

Hard was an understatement. More than anything in the world, Steven feared being alone.

Initially, he feared that one day, everyone he's ever loved would leave him, that was a constant worry of his. But lately, these last few months, his fear had evolved. Lately he could hardly go an hour without seeing a familiar face- much less multiple days. Again, he knew deep down, in whatever rational part of his brain that was still present and working, that the gems weren't to blame for this. It wasn't their responsibility to cater towards his needs, he was quite old enough to take care of himself. He had already been doing it for so long, right?

But in his heart, somewhere buried, he held the slightest bit of resentment towards them for leaving him all the time these days. Usually he would push that feeling down, favoring his more rational way of thinking. That would work for small stretches of time, at least long enough for Steven to wait for them to come home. But the longer he was left alone, the less he could keep it up. He wanted to scream and cry, he wanted to beg them to never leave his side.

He felt as if he only really had himself to blame. He chose to leave little homeschool. He chose to not go on their latest missions. The gems had their obligations, and he understood that. He understood that when he was younger too, so what changed?

Steven looked over to Peedee once more.

“What were you up to by the way? Before we ran into each other..” He asked, turning onto his side and propping up on one arm.

“Ah, you know, just hanging around I guess..”

Steven lifted an eyebrow. “At one in the morning?”

Peedee fidgeted with his hands before replying.

“Eh, well, I didn't really wanna be home I guess. It gets kinda lonely at night.” He said, looking down at Steven. Steven frowned. He knew the feeling.

Silence sat in the air for a moment. Steven felt horrible for Peedee, what he was going through wasn't fair at all. He wished that he always knew what to say like he used to when he was younger. He wished he could help Peedee. He wished he knew about what was going on in his life sooner. Steven wished a lot of things.

Suddenly, Steven pushed himself upwards with both arms, now sitting up. His face lit up, and Peedee turned his attention back towards him.

“Peedee, what if you stayed here tonight?” Steven suggested, with the biggest smile Peedee had seen from him all night. He blushed, happy to see Steven so enthusiastic, it reminded him of when they were both younger. Peedee couldn't help but smile back at him.

“Well, I'd have to go home and get a few things.. but.. yeah! Yeah, I could do that!”

“Woohoo! Sleepover!” Steven cheered, pumping both fists into the air and falling onto his back. He quickly sat himself up, turning towards Peedee. “But wait, is your dad gonna be okay with that?” He still smiled, eyebrows furrowed and head slightly cocked.

Peedee shrugged. “He’ll be fine. He probably won't even notice.”

Steven's eyes widened “Huh? You don't think so?”

“Yeah, he wouldn't even notice if I never came back home, probably.”

Steven's smile faltered for a moment, replaced with a saddened look. Was that.. possible? That someone's parent could just not notice that their child was gone? For days, even?

“Ah, well, maybe that's a bit dramatic, I'm sure he would notice..” peedee added, once he felt the silence in the air. “Eventually, at least.”

Steven smiled again, brow furrowed slightly.

“..Haha, yeah..”

Soon, Peedee left for his house, as he said he would. He took Steven's car, and urged Steven to stay at the beach house this time. He didn't mind Steven being in his house, but on the off chance his father was awake now (as he often was towards the middle of the night) he wouldn't want to put Steven in an awkward situation by having him over. Peedee loved his dad, he really did, but sometimes he could be a little.. much. That's the only way Peedee could put it, really.

As for Steven, he sat alone briefly in the silence of the beach house and tried to think of anything but himself. It had been a pretty intense night for him. He had a lot of feelings to work through. Not that he wanted to, really. He wanted to put his feelings away forever, to put them in a locked box and throw away the key. He wondered if he could just bury this like everything else and forget about it. He wondered how long it would take to work its way back to the surface.

More than that, he wondered if Peedee was alright. He knew Peedee would be upset with him for worrying about it now, but he couldn't help but do so. He seemed so sad whenever he talked about what was going on with his life. Even when talking about the good things, his smile never reached his eyes. Steven wished they had talked sooner, under different circumstances. He didn't like being the one to be fixed. He wished he could help Peedee instead. Why was it fair that Peedee was helping him? It seemed like he already had enough going on, right?

Steven thought back to what Peedee had said about his father just before he left. Was it true? Would he really not notice if Peedee were gone? How horrible, Steven thought. How horrible would that feel? If your own family didn't notice that you left and hadn't come back?

Steven sat up straight, and suddenly held a hand flat to his chest. His heart was beating fast.

If your own family didn't notice that you left.. and hadn't come back? He wondered why that idea struck fear into his heart.

But it wasn't just fear, it felt familiar. When did he feel that way? His family hadn't done that to him, had they? Would the gems ever do something like that? No, surely they wouldn't, he thought.

But still, memories came flooding back to him, like a dam breaking, sending scenes of what felt like a stranger's life flooding into his brain. He remembered being thirteen again, sitting in his bed, tired, alone, and soaked in rainwater. But when? The memory was only a flash, just a feeling that came to him and was gone as soon as he realized what he was feeling. But soon there was another.

He was showering, the house was dark. He let the water hit his face, something he usually hated. His hair was dirty, his clothes torn and thrown onto the floor of the bathroom, later discarded. He hadn't brushed his teeth in god knows how long, and he could feel it. That was another feeling he grew to hate afterwards.

When he wrapped up his shower, he returned to his room. The house was silent, that was something else he grew to hate. The gems were nowhere to be seen. Those days, they rarely gave warning before disappearing on missions. He remembered laying in bed, feeling more alone than he had ever felt in his whole life. He clung to his blanket like his life depended on it. He was glad to be home, he never wanted to leave again. He didn't realize how much he missed his home. He missed his bed. He missed his room. More than anything he missed the gems. To his disappointment, they didn't return that night. More than anything, he remembered being disappointed.

Steven continued to press his hand against his chest, feeling his breathing quicken, as if he were just an animal in distress. An animal acting on instinct, trying to protect itself. He shut his eyes tight. He knew what this memory was.

He remembered being disappointed a lot as a kid, though he never expressed it. Maybe he should have, he wasn't entirely sure why he would never let himself. Maybe he feared being seen as weak. Sure, he was gone for a while, any normal child wouldn't want to be away from home for very long, that's reasonable. But he would have been okay if he knew the gems at least wanted to look for him. When they returned, they didn't check for him. It was like… they hadn't even noticed he was gone.

Was that worse than being seen as weak? Being seen as so disposable that even your own family wouldn't be affected by your absence? He wanted to scream and cry. ‘I was gone for so long! you could have looked for me, but you didn't!’

He didn't want to embarrass himself.

He wished they looked for him. He was gone for almost a full two weeks, cast away on an island in what would have been the middle of nowhere to most. But the gems had just been there. He was sure they would work their way back and rescue him. They would rescue Lars and Sadie, too. After all, that's what they did.

He wasn't worried at first. A day or two went by, and there was no sign of the gems.

It was the warp pad, surely. They couldn't locate it, which must have meant the gems couldn't either. That thought stuck with him until the very last moment he spent on the island. When Sadie uncovered it herself, proving that it was around and fully functional the whole time, Steven thought there surely must have been some explanation. The gems wouldn't just leave him to help himself, right?

But still, once the gems returned to the beach house, there was no talk of his absence. There were no questions, no greeting. He wasn't there before, and now he was. It was as simple as that. Had they really not noticed?

Steven remembered trying to rationalize it. Maybe they were out on a mission the whole time, maybe they thought he was home. Maybe they assumed he was with his dad, or Connie.

He learned to bury those things. If he didn't let it matter, it didn't matter. Maybe he would never get an answer about what happened, the only thing he could do for himself was make peace with that. He was pretty good at that when he was younger.

These days he felt so bitter. It was strange, feeling that way. He spent so much time repressing his thoughts and feelings for the sake of others, he thought he had cheated the system. He thought he was gifted the ability to let go of things as soon as they became a problem for him, and it was something he utilized often. Not a bad skill to have, growing up around people who didn't quite understand everything about human feelings and relationships. But lately he wondered if he was so good at letting go after all. It seemed as if all of the things he thought he had let go of had actually slipped just beneath the surface of his feelings. Swept under the rug while he needed them to stay hidden. Did he not need them to stay hidden anymore? Why were they all coming back to him now?

He would be happier just to forget it all. He didn't care if they treated him unfairly. He didn't care if he didn't get payback, or whatever he secretly wanted. He didn't care at all.

Still, memories continued to flood in, coming through in flashes. He clutched the collar of his shirt in his fist.

This time it was something else.

His arms burned as he strained himself to hold on. To what?

Soon, he remembered reluctantly opening his eyes, risking a glance downward. He was holding himself up over what looked to be a couple hundred foot drop. His body shook with terror. He felt so afraid in that moment, all he could do was hold on, even if it took all of his strength.

When he mustered up the courage to look above, to see if Pearl would save him, he was once again hit with that all too familiar feeling of disappointment. She met his gaze, but immediately left him there to struggle. She wouldn't even watch him to make sure he didn't fall. Was he not worth saving? Was he not good enough? He gritted his teeth.

He tried everything to help her. He tried everything to help all of them. He remembered feeling so hurt in that moment, he couldn't breathe. How could you focus on saving yourself when the only ones you had to look up to didn't care if you lived or died? Why did he always have to save them? Why couldn't they save him? Why would Pearl leave him there to save himself? He felt worthless.

Now, Steven put his head in his arms, grabbing fistfuls of hair with either hand. He didn't want to think about it anymore. He wanted to forget everything. He wished that the memories would just disappear forever. He hated the way they tore into him, nagging at him and hurting him so deeply. He hated the way they left him panicked, feeling as if he couldn't breathe. Feeling as if the walls were closing in on him, slowly. Surrounding him, suffocating him.

It was true, they felt as if they belonged to someone else. He felt like he was looking through someone else's body, into someone else's past. He almost couldn't believe that he was there, that those memories belonged to him. However, that didn't stop them from coming back, cruel and vivid as ever.

Steven still shook, knees to his chest, pulling at his hair. He hated feeling this way.

He focused on his breathing first. He was taking quick, shallow breaths. That wouldn't do.

He took a deep breath in, and held it for a few seconds before slowly breathing out. He paused, and then did it again. And again. And again. ‘Just breathe’ was advice that he always hated- but what he hated more was that it was completely solid.

After a few minutes of breathing, the shaking stopped. Steven laid back onto the couch, arms and legs stretched out onto the cushions. He was exhausted, he usually was after his unusual spells of… well, he wasn't really sure what it was.

This wasn't the first time that he felt this way. It wasn't the first time that randomly, and without warning, strange memories and feelings became so vivid to him that he felt as if he were reliving them. The feeling was intense, as if he were fourteen again, scared for his life. Scared for his family. Even though he knew that time had passed. He wasn't that kid anymore, he thought he knew that too. If anything, he felt so far detached from ‘that kid’ that he was shocked he could even feel like him anymore in the first place.

It happened when he was younger too. He would wake up from nightmares, gasping for air and shaking. He would feel for his gem, just acting on instinct. He had no reason to believe it would be damaged, or to believe it wouldn't be there. But still, he always reached to check. He would cover it, protecting it from whatever he was afraid of. Most of the time, he couldn't recall anything from his dreams. He always wondered what they were, or if he would ever remember them. At this point, he was glad he almost never did.

Now, once Steven was able to calm himself, still laying down, he covered his eyes with his forearm. He felt hot tears against his skin. He wondered when he started crying.

He hoped that Peedee would return soon. If tonight was good for anything, it was for proving that Steven did not do well being alone.

___________

Peedee pulled Steven's car back into the small lot of the apartment building he and his father stayed in for the second time that night. It wasn't a loud car, but he still worried that he would wake their neighbors. He walked quietly up the pathway, before unlocking the door slowly. He hadn't yet met any of the neighbors, and wasn't trying to make his first impression now, being loud in the middle of the night. He opened the door gently, scanning the living room for any sign of his father. He needed to use the light, but didn't want to disturb him if he was sleeping on the couch now. Plus, he wanted to avoid running into his father while coming back to the house this late. He didn't want to hear what he might have to say.

He figured the coast was clear, so he flipped it on as he turned to close the door behind him. Immediately, a voice startled him, making him freeze where he stood.

“Huh- Peedee?”

It was his father. He wanted to bang his head against the door, but instead he turned around, hiding Steven's keys in his pocket.

“Oh, hey dad. You're up late.” He said, trying to act nonchalant. He walked into the kitchen. Mr Fryman laid sprawled out on the couch, the clothes formerly taking up one of the cushions pushed onto the floor. Peedee prayed that he wouldn't ask him any questions.

“Yeah, slept all day. What are you doing out? Don't you have school in the morning?” His father asked, sounding tired.

“It's summer break.” Peedee replied from the other room, trying to avoid the question.

“Ah, yeah, that's right.” He said, trailing off.

There were a few seconds of silence. Peedee held his breath and hoped that meant he was in the clear. However, the silence was soon broken.

“You getting up to anything I should worry about?” His father asked, slurring his words. Peedee hated when he talked that way. He always seemed too tired to hold a real conversation, he almost thought he would prefer that he didn't try.

“Nope. Just staying at the lighthouse late.”

“Partying? Got a bunch of people over?”

“Nope, just me.”

Mr Fryman sighed.

“You oughta find some kids your age to hang around, Peedee. Being at that lighthouse alone all the time is gonna make you turn into your brother.”

Peedee grimaced.

“And so what if it did?” He replied, through gritted teeth. “What's so wrong with that?”

“I'm just looking out for you. You're my son, I don't want you to turn out like him, is that so bad?” Mr Fryman replied, still slurring his words in his usual bored voice. Peedee gripped the counter with two hands in the kitchen, staring at the wall. He couldn't remember the last time a conversation with his father didn't make him angry.

“But.. he's your son too. He's my brother.” He replied, as calmly as possible. He didn't feel calm. He didn't want to be having this conversation anymore.

“Peedee, your brother's a social reject!” Mr Fryman raised his voice slightly. “You don't wanna turn out like that!”

Peedee let go of the counter, walking back out of the kitchen, glaring at his father. He put his hands on his hips, leaning forward.

“Yeah, well he's doing better than you are. He's in college doing something with his life!” He snapped back, still holding his glare. Mr Fryman stood up now, walking towards Peedee. He still held eye contact.

Peedee was often frustrated with Ronaldo, sure. That was just the reality of having a sibling, really. He could be frustrated with him, but he could never hate him, not ever. He couldn't stay mad at him, and he couldn't sit and listen to their own father talk about him in such a negative way. It wasn't just now- this was almost daily. Whenever his dad had something to say, it almost always circled back to Ronaldo. There was always something, especially now that he was away in college. In his absence, it was as if their father felt more inclined to disrespect him. Peedee hated hearing it more than anything else. He didn't always like Ronaldo, and sure, he had his fair share of complaints about him. but he would be damned if he let their own father talk so badly about him. That was his older brother, someone who he looked up to for a long time.

“Where the hell did this attitude come from? You're supposed to be the good one, Peedee!” His father yelled.

“And what does that make Ronaldo? The bad one? What did he ever do to deserve the way you talk about him!?”

Peedee was impressed with himself for how well he was standing his ground. He usually didn't do anything like this.

“I'll tell you what he did! He got our shop closed down because he wouldn't lift a finger working there! He never wanted to do any of the work, I couldn't keep it up!” Mr Fryman took a step closer to Peedee, leaning downward to be level with him. He was practically in his face now. “That piece of shit cost us our livelihood and then up and left when it was time to pay for what he did! Do you know how hard it's been keeping up rent without his third!?”

Peedee crossed his arms, his glare deepening with anger. How could he talk about his own son like that?

“Yeah, yeah I do know! Don't forget, I'm paying half too! And if I can keep up my shop on my own, you could keep up the one you started too if you tried!” Peedee retorted, angrily. “Y'know what I think? I think you shut the place down so you could sit on your ass all day and sleep! That's all you do now, I don't understand it! You're mad that Ronaldo is doing something with his life instead of working for you, but you refuse to work either! Ronaldo isn't the social reject of the family, Dad! It's you!”

“You little-”

Before Mr Fryman could properly react, Peedee pushed past him, heading towards the hallway where his room was. Mr Fryman turned around, following Peedee as he quickly walked away.

“Don't you walk away! We aren't done talking!”

Peedee walked quicker, shutting his door hard behind him. His father quickly reached the door as well, grabbing the handle. Peedee was quick to grab it from the other side of the door, twisting it in the opposite direction to prevent his father from coming in. His hands shook as he pressed himself against the door with all of his strength.

“Open this door right now!”

Peedee ignored him. He didn't want to argue anymore, he just wanted to leave.

“Peedee, open the door!”

Peedee still ignored him, twisting and pulling the handle. His father wasn't a weak man. He struggled to keep the door shut, his thin arms and small frame were almost no match for his fathers strong arms and large body. If it weren't for gravity being on Peedee's side, Mr Fryman would have surely been able to open the door by now.

After a few moments of struggling to keep the door closed, Peedee felt the pressure against the door lift off, meaning that his father must have let go of the doorknob and given up on trying to force his way in. He held his breath and listened, putting his ear up to the door. He still held the door knob tight, keeping it turned in the opposite direction, as if he were still fighting to keep it from opening. There was nothing for a few moments, before suddenly the door rattled loudly, causing Peedee to flinch on instinct.

It rattled again, and again, and again. His father hit the door with so much force that it shook the room. Peedee held his eyes closed tight.

“Open the goddamn door Peedee!”

Peedee still ignored his father, hoping that somehow he would just forget he was there.

His father wasn't always the most rational person, and certainly not the most calm either. But this kind of behavior was new, it shocked Peedee. As his father continued to hit the door, he tried to think of anything else but the fear he felt. He thought about his favorite game, his favorite book. He thought about going back to school once summer ended. He thought about going back to Steven's house after this and spending the night. Though, he wasn't sure how he was going to manage to get out of the house after this. He hoped that his father would just give up soon, and maybe fall back asleep. Then he could sneak out the front door, or hell, even his window.

He thought about how he still needed to get his things together to even stay over there. That would kill some time while he waited for his dad to go back to sleep, he thought.

Peedee waited, and eventually the rattling of the door stopped. After a few seconds, Peedee pressed his ear up against the door again, with caution this time. His hands still shook, partially from the adrenaline of confronting his father, and partially from the fear of what might have happened if he let him through the door.

After a few moments, Peedee figured the coast was clear. He slowly let go of the handle and stepped away from the door.

“Jeez..” he whispered to himself, before grabbing his backpack from his desk chair.

Peedee walked around his room, tossing things he may need into the bag. A shirt or two, a pair of pants. His charger was a must. After a few moments he worked up the courage to walk across the hall to the bathroom. He didn't hear his father, but the living room and kitchen lights were still on. He shrugged it off. If he wasn't bothering him, he didn't care. He just wanted to focus on getting his stuff and leaving.

In the bathroom, he grabbed his toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, and whatever other little things he thought he might need. He skipped out on grabbing the painkillers. He didn't want to bring any more into Steven's house. Better safe than sorry, he thought. Peedee wondered how Steven was doing right then. He had taken a little bit longer than he expected now, and he told Steven he would be quick after all. He hoped he was doing alright on his own.

Peedee slung his backpack strap over his shoulder, walking back down the hallway and towards the front door with haste. If he just kept walking confidently, he hoped that his father wouldn't question him for walking out of the house.

Perhaps his hopes were set too high, though, because before he could open the door, his father spoke to him.

“Peedee, come on, let's talk.” He said, gesturing for him to sit down next to him on the couch. Peedee had his hand on the doorknob already.

Peedee turned the knob, facing away from his father. He didn't even want to answer him. He opened the door and walked out, but before he was too far out the door he heard his dad call out to him.

“Don't you dare walk out that door! Where do you think you're going?”

Peedee pretended he didn't hear. When he shut the door behind him, he looked around to see his neighbors standing outside of their doors, their lights on, the whole complex awake. He averted their gazes, embarrassed. He knew why they were up. So much for not making a bad impression, he thought.

“Hey kid, everything alright?” One of them asked, a woman, probably around his father's age.

“Ah, yeah, sorry about the noise..” He replied, keeping his head down, fidgeting with the car keys in his pocket. He just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible. He didn't want his father to follow him outside and make things worse. Peedee didn't wait for the neighbor's reply, he just kept walking to the car. Before he reached the car, he thought he heard the door open behind him. He didn't check to see if it was his father.

Once Peedee arrived back at the beach house, he didn't waste any time getting inside. He quickly climbed the porch stairs, and soon knocked on the screen door, peering inside, trying to see if Steven was still in the living room. He was, and he quickly sat up from his spot on the couch to let Peedee in. He smiled.

“Welcome back!” Steven said, opening the door for him. Peedee smiled back at him, walking into the house.

Something Peedee hadn't noticed before (or didn't really pay that much attention to) was that the beach house smelled like Steven. So did his car. He wasn't sure how he hadn't noticed before, or why it surprised him, even. Generally speaking, most people smelled like their houses. But it stuck out to him more now. It made him smile. He was probably just glad to be anywhere but home, especially now.

“Yeah, sorry for taking so long..” Peedee spoke in a sort of hushed voice. Steven took note of this.

“It's okay.. did something happen?”

If Steven was especially good at anything, it was reading people. For times like these, it came in handy. Sometimes, though, he really wished he wasn't so constantly aware of other's feelings. If he was being honest, more often than not it took a pretty heavy toll on his own feelings. He always wanted to help, though, in situations like these especially.

Peedee set his bag beside the couch before sitting down. Steven followed him.

“Just my dad being my dad. Nothing new.” He replied, with a sigh.

Except there was something new. Not that he really wanted to tell Steven that. His dad scared him tonight, more than he ever had before.

Peedee's father had outbursts, that was true. He had them too often, and usually they only served as a minor annoyance for Peedee. Once he was alone in his room though, that's usually where it ended. His father had never done anything like that before.

Peedee had never done anything like that before either. He was never one to talk back, and never EVER one to raise his voice. Honestly, doing so embarrassed him. He didn't like drawing much attention to himself, or to his feelings. Just thinking about how the neighbors may have heard him made Peedee want to hide away forever in shame. He was surprised with himself, but mostly he was a little bit afraid to return home.

Peedee glanced back over to Steven, who tilted his head, wearing a sad expression. His sad expression was for Peedee, and he just couldn't understand it. Steven had been through a lot tonight. Couldn't he feel sad for himself instead? Peedee wished he would.

“Don't worry though, everything's fine.” He added. Steven nodded, head still tilted.

“Are.. you sure?” Steven asked, unsure if he should pry. Peedee nodded.

“Super sure. What did you get up to while I was gone?” He asked, turning himself towards Steven. “Sorry again for taking so long..”

“Oh, it's okay, really!” Steven said, holding up two hands. “I kinda just sat here, I think..”

“You think?”

“Yeah, I dunno, it's kind of fuzzy, I guess.”

Steven didn't want to get too much into the details. ‘I sat here and cried about something I hardly remember’ didn't really feel like the right thing to say. Furthermore, thinking back to just 20 or so minutes earlier felt like a dream, really. Who was to say if it was real at all? Steven always felt like his memory was failing him.

“Huh, okay..” Peedee said, a hand nervously rubbing the back of his neck.

The realization that he had never slept over at a friend's house before was really hitting him now. Sure, this ‘sleepover’ was mostly for convenience, but it was still a sleepover. What did people even do at sleepovers with their friends? What did people do at sleepovers with their friends that they hadn't talked to in years until they accidentally intruded on their suicide attempt and ended up staying over at their house? Peedee was stumped.

“So, what now?” Steven asked, turning to Peedee.

“Huh?”

“What do we do now?” Steven asked again. He was being completely genuine.

“You're asking me?”

“Yeah.. I don't really know how sleepovers work.” Steven admitted, putting a hand on his chin. Peedee laughed. Steven was always too honest.

“I'm so glad you said it. I was too afraid to.. I don't know how sleepovers work either, this is my first one.”

They both laughed, completely changing the atmosphere of the room. Things felt warm again, and not in the suffocating way. Both were glad to be back in each other's presence.

Peedee opened his phone just to turn it onto ‘do not disturb’. He didn't feel like getting any angry texts from his dad. Doing so, he noticed his phone was low on battery, sitting at just 15 percent.

“Well, my phone's about to die, so I guess let's start with that. Do you have a spot where I can charge it?” Peedee asked, shoving it back into his jacket pocket. Steven stood up.

“Yeah! There's some outlets up in my room, if you wanna move up there..” Steven offered, smiling. Peedee stood too. “It's just kind of messy, so I'm sorry in advance..” he added, looking away in embarrassment. Peedee shook his head, grabbing his backpack from the floor.

“Come on, you've seen my house, I'm not judging.” He joked.

And so, for the second time that night, Steven kept his eyes on the stairs as he placed one foot in front of the other. This time, instead of descending into the dark and quiet living room (which would only prove to make him feel worse), he was leading a friend up into his room to spend the night. Just a couple hours ago, he wouldn't have been able to guess that this would be how his night turned out, even if he was given a million tries. It was sort of funny how life worked, he thought.

Chapter Text

“Woah, is your room bigger than it used to be?”

Steven looked around as he flopped backwards onto his bed.

“Yeah!” He said, settling into his blankets. “I don't really know what to do with the extra space honestly. Bismuth insisted on building it bigger, I didn't want to tell her I really didn't need it…”

“Bismuth?” Peedee repeated, plugging his charger into the wall. “Which one is she, again?”

Steven's eyes widened.

“Oh yeah. I guess you don't really know who that is, huh?” He laughed, nervously. “I guess we skipped a few chapters…”

Peedee sat down next to Steven, waiting for him to continue. Steven sat up, instead propping himself against the wall before the bed.

“I actually found Bismuth bubbled in lion's mane– it's sorta like a portal I guess? Or, a different dimension?”

“...a different dimension?”

“Yeah, and I pulled her out. Turns out she used to be good friends with the gems.” Steven said, shrugging.

“So, why was she in your lion's… mane dimension thing?” Peedee asked, pulling his knees up to his chest as he listened. Steven winced.

“Ah, yeah. That's because she had an idea that my mom didn't really agree with.” He said, looking away from Peedee for a moment. “It was a weapon– I think she was sorta afraid she'd use it against her.”

“Oh… so your mom was the one to… what'd you say again?”

“Bubble her.” Steven repeated, bluntly. “She destroyed her physical form and put her into a bubble.”

“Yikes.. “ Peedee said, crossing his arms over his knees. “I guess it had to happen though, right?”

Steven rubbed the back of his neck with one hand, nervously.

“Yeah, that's true.” He said, picking at the back of his neck with his nails. “Her ideas were kind of.. intense, I guess. I mean I kind of understand why mom did it, that's all.”

“How so?” Peedee asked, turning his head toward Steven. “Like, what do you mean by ‘intense’”?

Steven leaned back against the wall, thinking on that question for a moment.

“Do you know how I mentioned my mom poofing Bismuth?”

Peedee nodded. Steven picked at the skin beside his thumb with his pointer finger. He thought he would never get over that nervous habit of his.

“When a gem is poofed, they really only go to sleep. It's not permanent, and it doesn't hurt them… that's what we do with corrupted gems. Then we put them in bubbles to keep them from reforming.” Steven explained, staring at his hands. His thumb began to bleed just slightly– he should really stop picking at them. “Bismuth wanted to shatter my mom. Shattering isn't reversible, it's basically death for a gem.”

“Jeez… that is intense.” Peedee said, practically whispering. “Why your mom? Weren't they on the same side?”

“Oh, right.” Steven laughed nervously. “I guess I left out that part. The rebellion was formed by my mom– Rose Quartz– to fight Pink Diamond..”

Steven sighed. “..who was also my mom. She was fighting herself.”

“So, Bismuth didn't know then?” Peedee asked, leaning back on the bed, propped up by his arms. “She thought she was going to shatter Pink Diamond, not knowing she would also be shattering Rose Quartz?”

Steven's eyes widened. He didn't really expect Peedee to get it so quickly. He was sure that nothing that he was explaining made any sense.

“Right, exactly.” He said, pointing a finger at Peedee, who smiled slightly. He turned himself in Steven's direction, fully investing himself into the conversation now. The more Steven talked, the more Peedee realized he didn't really know that much about Steven’s life at all.

“Wait, so, how'd you find out? About why she was put away like that?”

Steven thought for a moment. He didn't enjoy recalling that night at all. It didn't make him panic the way it used to, not anymore, but he sometimes still found himself worked up over it. It was something that came back to haunt him every now and then.

Steven looked up at Peedee, who was now facing him completely on the bed, legs crossed, leaned in and ready to hear his reply. He took a deep breath. Maybe talking about it would help. He hadn't tried that since then, after all.

“Well, she proposed the same idea to me. It was a weapon that she called the ‘breaking point’.” He said, taking another deep breath before he continued. “She showed me how to use it, and when I told her that I didn't think it was a good idea, it was like a switch flipped. That's when she told me everything.”

“...What happened then?”

“She thought that I was my mom. That's how it usually goes when a gem tries to kill me.”

“She tried to kill you!?” Peedee asked, eyes wide. Steven flinched.

“...Yeah. I really did try to get her to listen. She just wouldn't believe that I wasn't her. She attacked me, and I didn't really have a choice… I had to poof her. And then bubble her.” Steven said, fidgeting with his hands as Peedee stared at him, mouth agape.

“Steven, that's horrible…” He said, a worried expression on his face.

“Yeah..” Steven said, shrugging. “But it's okay now. It's in the past.”

He looked to Peedee, who still had that worried look. It made Steven nervous to think that something he said had worried Peedee. Sleepover stories probably weren't supposed to make you worried.

“B-but, that's not even the worst thing that's happened! Seriously, that's nothing!” Steven reassured Peedee, but as the words left his mouth he realized how little comfort they offered.

“There's worse than that!?”

Steven gritted his teeth.

“Yeah, but it's not like, sooo bad. Y'know?” Steven said, trying to end the conversation there. He didn't feel right about telling Peedee about all of the things he had been through. It was bad enough that he had to think about it all the time, why would someone else want to know too? It just felt irresponsible to him.

“Huh? What do you mean!? If what you just told me is nothing, I can't even imagine what the rest is like!”

“It's really, REALLY nothing. Seriously, just forget about it.” Steven said, holding both hands up apologetically. He felt bad for bringing it all up in the first place. Peedee didn't need to know everything he had just told him. The guilt was already starting to eat away at him.

“Jeez, if you say so..” Peedee said, confused. “I don't know how you expect me to forget about that though, that's really…I don't even know. Did anyone ever find out about what happened with Bismuth? How come everything's alright now?”

“Oh! Yeah, I told the gems everything, it's alright now. Once I was able to explain it to her later it was all fine!” Steven said, nodding.

“Was it fine? Didn't she try to…”

“Yes! It's all okay!” Steven assured him, nodding quickly now. There was desperation in his voice.

“But-”

“Let's change the subject!” He finally said, turning to step off of his bed quickly. Peedee hummed, defeated as he watched Steven walk over to his TV. Steven took a deep breath, quickly deciding to move on from what he was feeling. It was a skill he had mastered when he was younger. “What kind of games do you like?”

Peedee tilted his head at Steven. He didn't want to pry, but he was more than concerned now. How much had he missed? Was Steven always going through these things? What could be worse than having to hurt someone to save your own life?

Peedee had to admit to himself that he was also really curious about it all. It was selfish of him, maybe, but he wanted to hear more because he was simply interested. He wished Steven would continue, but he seemed uneasy while talking about the topic.

Probably better to leave it be for now, he figured.

“Oh, um…” Peedee finally replied, stuttering. “I really only played Ronaldo’s old games, nothing cool…”

“All video games are cool.” Steven said matter-of-factly, holding a finger outwards to Peedee.

He soon turned around, pulling out a boxy gaming system from behind his TV, and two controllers connected by wires. “Did you ever play the Dolphin?”

Peedee gasped, slamming both hands down onto Steven’s bed.

“Wha-a-a-at!? Yes, I love the Dolphin!” He said, before standing up and walking over to Steven. “Where'd you get this!?”

“My dad gave it to me uhh…” he shrugged. “A long time ago? I dunno, but it's my favorite!”

“I used to play on Ronaldo's all the time! He used to say that the Dolphin was gaming’s greatest peak!” Peedee said, smiling. “Well, until the 3SD came out and he sold his old Dolphin system for it…” He added, with a sigh.

“He didn't let you keep it?”

Peedee snorted. “Nah, he didn't even know I was playing on it. If he found out, he would've killed me.” He held one remote in his hands, admiring it from all angles. “I still think the Yamauchi Dolphin is the best video game console ever made, even if the games are sorta dated…”

“I completely agree!” Steven said, plugging in all of the cords to the back of his TV. “Do you play smash?”

“Well, yeah.” Peedee said, sitting down in front of the TV.

Steven raised an eyebrow at him.

“Who do you main..?”

Peedee put a hand on his chin, thinking hard. “I'm sensing that there's a wrong answer here..”

Steven stared at Peedee, powering on the system as he sat down next to him.

“You can't pick Kirby. I have to be Kirby.”

The two held eye contact for a moment, before bursting into laughter.

“Okay, okay, jeez, you can have him.” Peedee said, giggling.

A couple hours passed as they played, switching between a few different games. They exchanged stories and memories associated with each game, and showed each other different cheats they had discovered over the years of playing alone.

Though it was pushed to the back of his mind, Peedee still wondered about what Steven had begun to explain. He thought he knew Steven pretty well when they were younger. Or at least he felt as if he had a decent grasp on him. But now, Peedee could hardly wrap his head around the few things he had heard. Knowing that there was more than that, things that were worse than that… he didn't know what to think.

He spared a few glances at Steven while they played, just every few minutes while he was focused on the game. He watched his expressions. He focused on his features. The way his eyes twitched every now and then. The way he kept his jaw clenched shut when he wasn't speaking. The bags beneath his eyes. His tense shoulders that never seemed to want to relax. Peedee noticed it all.

What sort of things had Steven been through?

As Peedee periodically studied him, lost in thought, Steven had his own thoughts that had been pushed to the back of his mind as well. He was hungry, and it was becoming harder to ignore. Most of his nausea had subsided, and his body signaled to him that he needed to eat again. Perhaps just a few cookies weren't good enough.

He knew that it wasn't good for him, but he didn't want to eat at all. It wasn't as if he had no appetite, not even close. It was that lately, he had much more trouble eating in front of others than he used to. Before it was just a passing thought every now and then– that he should be embarrassed to eat in front of others. But lately it had evolved, and become something more obsessive. He didn't want anyone to know when he was eating, what he was eating, or how much he was eating. He really went through impressive lengths to prevent others from seeing him eat lately. He didn't think too hard about the implications of his fear. He had more important things to think about, like how the hell he'd face the gems after what he had done.

It made his stomach turn just thinking about it. The idea drove fear into his gut like a knife, twisting and pulling as he writhed in agony. Or maybe he was just really, really hungry. He could hardly tell the difference.

Though, he knew that he was really hungry. He knew that he needed to eat. He knew that he wanted to. He wanted to eat so much that he couldn't feel anything anymore. He wanted to spend the whole week feeling ashamed of how much he had eaten. Maybe it would take his mind off of his… other current problems.

The problem was, he knew from experience that it wouldn't. He would hardly feel numb, just angry and disgusted with himself. It would only serve to worsen his agony. So he didn't want to eat. He couldn't let himself, not like that at least. And especially not in front of someone else, no matter the portion.

Steven looked to his side, and noticed that Peedee was already looking at him. He lifted an eyebrow, setting down his controller as he paused the game. They had been playing for a couple hours already, and he was getting pretty tired anyway. He wondered if Peedee was ready to call it a night as well.

“What's up?” He asked, smiling. Peedee’s eyes widened, looking away. He hadn't expected to be caught staring.

“Oh, I was uh…” He said, scrambling to find the words he needed. It wasn't as if he was staring for a malicious reason, but he didn't want to make Steven upset with his worry. Steven didn't want to talk about it, and that was fine. “I was just wondering if I could have a glass of water or something? I'm thirsty.”

Steven stood up, turning off the tv now.

“Yeah! I'm pretty thirsty too” He said, walking towards the door. “Here, come with me.”

The two made their way downstairs into the kitchen, where Steven took two glass cups out of the cupboard above the sink. He opened the fridge, grabbing a pitcher of filtered water. He poured it into the two cups evenly.

“Thanks…” Peedee said, holding his cup in his hands as he sat at the kitchen table. He looked down into the cup, staring at the countertop through the glass. He took a sip.

The two sat silently for a moment as they drank their water. Steven was the one to break the silence.

“So, what else do people do at sleepovers?” Steven asked, a hand on his chin. Peedee leaned back in his seat, thinking.

“Jeez, I dunno… the only thing that I know that you do at a sleepover is sleep..” he said, with a laugh.

“Hmm.. fair enough.” Steven yawned, covering his mouth with his hand. “I guess I am pretty tired… what time is it, anyway?”

He turned around in his seat, glancing at the microwave clock.

“It's 5am!?”

Peedee looked up at the time as well, eyes wide.

“Wait, really?” he set down his glass of water. “I can't believe that, it feels like midnight…”

Steven set his cup into the sink. He noticed that there weren't any other dishes, despite Pearl not being home. Had he really not eaten a meal at all since she left? He brushed it off.

“Well, should we call it a night then?” Steven asked, with a shrug. Peedee tilted his head.

“Yeah, I should probably get to sleep before the sun comes up.. I consider anything after that a nap, and I don't take naps…” He said, deadpan.

“Right…” Steven replied with an awkward smile. “Uh, where did you wanna sleep?”

“Oh, anywhere is fine. I guess the couch?” Peedee said, looking towards the living room.

“Okay!” Steven said, now grabbing Peedee’s empty cup and placing it into the sink as well. “Do you mind if I join you? I think I've had enough of my room for this week…”

Peedee smiled.

“I don't mind!”

Steven smiled back.

“Cool! I'll go get some blankets!” He said, walking upstairs to his bedroom. He had extra blankets in his closet. “It'll be like a sleepover!”

He paused.

“Wait..”

—-----

By the time the sun had just begun to light the sky, Peedee was asleep. It was closer to 6 now, or maybe 7. Steven hadn't checked the time in a little while.

He turned over, trying hard to not wake Peedee. They chatted for a little while before he fell asleep, about shows and games they both happened to like. They had a lot more in common than Steven realized. He almost wished he could wake Peedee up and talk to him more– but he really did want him to sleep. He kept him up for too long, he thought.

But god, could he use the distraction. His stomach was killing him. He had never felt so hungry in his entire life. He clutched his sides with either hands, pulling his knees close to his chest as he squeezed his eyes shut. Hunger had never felt so genuinely painful to him before, this was new. He clenched his jaw shut, trying to think of anything else. He could wait a little longer. Once Peedee was back home, Steven would eat.

But as time continued to pass, the pain only grew stronger. He was starting to feel nauseous, and though it could have been due to a few different factors, he decided that maybe he really should eat. He could probably find a place where Peedee wouldn't see him, right?

After a little while longer of his attempts to put himself to sleep, Steven finally sat up. He was very careful, making sure to not disturb Peedee. He was sleeping on the longer end of the couch, just less than a foot away from where Steven was supposed to be sleeping. He stood up slowly, backing away from the couch, arms extended, as if it would somehow make him quieter.

He couldn't open the fridge, since the kitchen was connected to the living room. It would be too loud, and too bright too. The sun just starting to come up didn't do very much to light the room, so the light from the fridge would be very noticeable.

He didn't really want to dig through the cabinets either. Chips and crackers were far too noisy to fish out of the pantry at this hour.

He looked around for a moment, spotting the bag of snacks Peedee had bought for him hours earlier. It was sitting on the kitchen counter, hardly touched. He had almost forgotten about those. He grabbed the bag gently, scanning the room as he did. Peedee hadn't moved, but he couldn't just eat in the kitchen. The plastic would be too noisy.

He looked towards the door, and then back at Peedee, who was still sleeping peacefully on the couch. He wouldn't notice if Steven just slipped out onto the porch for a moment, would he? The door wasn't too noisy, not if he were to open it slowly.

And so he did. He quietly shut the door behind him, looking into the bag as he stepped onto the porch. It was sort of cool outside, and quiet too. The sunrise painted the sky a dull pink and orange over the ocean. It was still dark outside, but the glow of the sun was making its way overhead.

It was morning. That meant that tomorrow, the gems would be coming home.

The thought of that had filled Steven with hope earlier, but now it filled him with dread. What was he going to say to them? He still couldn't decide. What was there to say? Was this something he planned to keep secret? Was it even that serious to begin with?

He sort of felt better, so could he put it all behind him now?

Steven reached into the bag, sitting down on the first stair of the porch. He pulled out the cookies he opened earlier. He had only eaten one. He thought to turn the package over, but he hesitated. Maybe he didn't want to read the calories. Not if he actually wanted to eat these.

He started to eat one, taking a small bite first. He still didn't feel very well, so he didn't want to push it eating too fast on an empty stomach.

He tried to think of what he could say to the gems. Should he be writing out a script? How would they react if they knew? Would they expect this kind of behavior from him? Would they be worried? Angry? Horrified?

He opened his apple juice. It wasn't very cold, but he sorta liked them lukewarm anyway.

Thinking about facing the gems still made his stomach turn, even after he had eaten a few cookies. It wasn't just hunger after all. He had never felt so much anxiety over talking to the gems like this. He wondered what had happened?

Was it that they were difficult to talk to? Was it that he couldn't guess what their reactions would be? Or was it him?

Maybe he just didn't want to face the fact that he did something wrong. He did something scary and unpredictable. He didn't want them to think of him as an unstable person, because he wasn't one. He was in control, right?

What he did wasn't because he was crazy. It wasn't because he was uncontrollable. It wasn't because he was unstable or ill, or whatever else anyone might think if he were to open up. He didn't want to be seen as unreachable… maybe that was his fear. Maybe he didn't want to be seen as someone that should be given up on.

He finished off the last couple cookies in the sleeve. He brushed the crumbs off of his pants, setting the wrapper next to him as he took another sip of his apple juice.

He didn't have to tell the gems if he didn't want to. He didn't need to tell the gems. He was in control.

Steven took a few more sips of his apple juice, before standing up, grabbing the wrapper beside him as he did so.

Just before he turned to the house, he heard the familiar sound of the screen door opening, immediately followed by a voice. It was Peedee's voice. Steven froze, avoiding looking at the door.

“...Huh? Steven, what are you doing out here?”

At least he had finished eating already, he thought.