Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Lena stares at herself in the bathroom mirror.

In so many ways, the picture is the same as it’s always been. Dark hair. Green eyes. Full brows and lips. Then there are the differences that time has wrought. The tense set of her jaw that has been softened by both grief and love. The screaming insecurity and hunger that she used to be able to see in her reflection is mostly gone now. Except in her most vulnerable moments. She’s been strengthened by the self acceptance and wisdom that comes from making mistakes, and being forgiven. Of losing and then finding herself in a fuller way than she’d ever thought possible. Of being part of a family. Finally. Finally. She has been strengthened by reconnecting to her roots. To her mother. To magic. She can feel it growing in her body every day. Power. But not the megalomaniacal power of domination. This is a power born of connection. To nature. To ancestors. Balance is crucial for this power to root and bloom. She’s grateful. She’s so grateful to it. For it.

She dresses differently now. Most of the time. She wears fewer tight skirts, low necklines and sky-high heels. Instead she finds herself gravitating to trousers and suits. Blouses with a looser cut and a more casual style. She wears oxfords and loafers now. And, occasionally, (gasp) sneakers.  

Frankly, the reason she doesn’t need to rely on her power-bitch fashion persona as often is that she doesn’t need to put on such a tough exterior. Because she’s strong inside. She has an inner steel born of facing her biggest fears and most destructive emotions, and surviving. She faces her feelings now, without breaking. And knows that if she breaks, she will be able to put herself back together. Eventually.

Though she does still love a bright red lip.

There are outward signs of aging in her reflection now too. Little crinkles around her eyes. Gray hairs that she colors. Her face is leaner too. Sharper. The hollows under her eyes are a little more visible. Sometimes Lena wonders if she will ever get used to this familiar stranger in the mirror. Or if they will remain a mysterious companion for the rest of her life. Ever surprising her with their change. At least she can say that when she sees her reflection now she feels a warmth and compassion that is altogether new and surprising. 

The Lena in the mirror smiles, and her smile is a complicated, delicate thing. 

Part of the growth and maturity born of near endless tragedy and personal failure is, unfortunately, not being able to suppress or ignore her own emotions anymore. So the fluttering, nameless ache in her chest, the one that, in the past, seemed small, inconsequential and easy to brush aside… has been taking shape in a more clear and recognizable way. Now that she’s learned to look under her oceans of fear, rage and pain, this bittersweet little ache (as she’s always thought of it) has turned out to not be so little at all. Though she still tries not to name it. Tries so hard not to name it. Even if her little ache does have a face now. A beloved, beautiful face. And a voice. And a million tiny gestures and micro-expressions that fill Lena’s heart to bursting. 

So, yes. She knows it’s there. But she won’t name it. She can’t. 

My little ache, she thinks, with tender resignation.

My little ache.

Because part of getting older, and gaining maturity, is understanding that, in life, you just don’t get everything. Lena’s desire and yearning have always been a vast and overflowing force of nature. One lifetime can’t possibly hold it all. Right?

Maybe in a different life. 

But not this one.

Chapter Text

Kara takes a deep breath, to calm her irritation, and shifts in her seat. She crosses her legs and tugs once on the stiff hem of her tailored dress. The one Lena told her to wear. The cream colored one that shows off her arms but covers her thighs and chest. Professional but pretty, in an intimidating way. At least that’s what Lena had said. Except for her Super suit, Kara always feels most powerful in this dress. Lena always says it makes her hair look like it’s made of gold.

Being out as Supergirl had been a challenge at first. Still is, in a lot of ways. People question her ability to be unbiased. To fully devote herself to the job of Editor-and-Chief of CatCo media. Her weekly touch points with Cat, who is onto bigger and better things, are both encouraging and terrifying in that Cat knows what it’s like to be the woman in charge, but also doesn’t take any of Kara’s shit: no whining, no excuses, and no compromising on quality. The board of directors and some of her former coworkers (and now subordinates) at CatCo are the worst. It’s like, just because she’s dressed as Kara, they expect her to cower in the face of their criticisms, complaints and doubts. They seem unable to wrap their heads around the fact that she is also Supergirl, and has weathered trials, responsibilities and impossible decisions that the average human could never conceive of. She’s witnessed and faced death and destruction on mass scales and held millions of lives in the palm of her hand. She’s faced unfathomable doubts and failures and still found her way back to being able to get out of bed in the morning. Their meager attempts at rattling her are almost humorous.

“You’re repeating yourself, Jeffrey,” she states firmly, loudly, cutting off the self-important accounting executive currently sauntering around the conference table in the guise of “giving a presentation to the board.”

His outraged shock is evident for all to see. Before she was promoted he had wanted Kara’s job, in spite of being completely unqualified for it. He has yet to forgive her for having it. And he’s so obvious about it. As if she doesn’t have the power to fire him at any time. As if she couldn’t squash him like a bug. A tense silence has settled over the mostly male room. They are uncomfortable with her power, she knows. They resent it. But she also knows from experience that if she can wield her power the right way they will at least respect it.

Kara narrows her eyes. Rolls her shoulders back, straightens her spine and places her hands flat on the table like she’s seen Lena do a hundred times.

“This isn’t an outlet for your personal opinions,” she states, calmly; authoritatively. “We have a lot of presentations to get through today. Please move on to the next slide.”

He’s supposed to be giving everyone a very surface level review of the numbers and instead has launched into a personal editorial about what he thinks she’s done wrong in her handling of CatCo over the past six months. Jefferey, for his part, looks flustered. Seemingly having expected her to just sit here and let him throw her under the bus? Still gunning for her job after six months. She makes a mental note to have a very pointed conversation with him later.

He goes on with the presentation, but can’t seem to resist a few more passive-aggressive digs at her. Finally, Kara decides his time is up. And when she interrupts him again to let him know this he barely acknowledges it and goes right on talking. Inwardly she sighs. She gives it 15 seconds or so and then rises to standing. This gets everyone’s attention. And Jeffery is still talking of course, eyeing her nervously.

Kara calmly strides over to stand directly in front of him, never breaking eye contact.

“Thank you Jeffrey,” she says, voice all polite steel, and holds out her hand for the power point controller.

In her high heels she towers over him. He swallows audibly as he stares up at her with round eyes. Reluctantly he hands her the controller. Kara turns on her heels.

“Barbara’s up next with some announcements from HR,” she proclaims, nodding at an older woman with salt and pepper hair, who stares at her with wide eyes before scrambling to gather her notes.

Kara gestures firmly for Jeffrey to sit. His days at CatCo are numbered.

Chapter Text

The time has come for the annual charity ball benefiting National City’s Children’s Hospital. It’s a black-tie event catered to the wealthiest and most elite business leaders in the city. Lena pretends she hates it, but secretly loves a chance to dress up. And to see Kara dressed up. Kara pretends to appreciate the purpose of the event. But mostly she’s there for the food. They always go to events like this together. Usually they are both already invited anyway and, given how stuffy these galas and parties and dinners can be, it's nice to have your best friend around for solidarity or comedic relief.

Lena’s sleek, chauffeured car pulls up to the red carpet at the base of the stairs and they step out together and begin to ascend the big stairs. Smiling politely at the photographers that flank the long carpet leading into the venue is nothing unfamiliar or jarring for either of them and they navigate it with ease, even if it is uncomfortable. Lena’s heels are high . She’s almost as tall as Kara, who is also wearing heels. But where Kara had opted for a stylish but simple, black cocktail dress, Lena had chosen a suit. Impeccably tailored, deep green trousers fall in a clean line from her hips to her heels. Above that she wears a fitted bustier that tastefully accentuates her cleavage. The look is completed with a stylish blazer, which she fully intends to take off as soon as they get inside so that she can flaunt what’s underneath. 

“Wow, Lena,” Kara had said, when she picked Lena up, eyes as big as saucers.

“Too much?” Lena asked, anxiously gathering up her clutch and switching off the lights.

She fiddled with the layered, gold chain necklaces she was wearing in the mirror. Maybe she should take one or two off.

“No, you look amazing,” Kara gushed, sweetly. “I’ve never seen you wear pants to something like this before.”

Lena blushed and couldn’t help ducking her head shyly. 

“That’s sweet, Kara. Thank you. And, yeah,” she gestured at her pants. “I felt like trying something new.”

Kara was standing in the doorway and so busy staring that she didn’t seem to register Lena coming closer.

“Ready?” Lena asked softly, only a foot away now.

Kara shook her head as if to clear it.

“Yeah! Sorry. Let’s go.”

Now, as they climb the steep stairs to the main entrance, Lena’s towering heels are feeling a little treacherous. She feels a strong hand at the small of her back. Kara chuckles.

“You should win an award for climbing stairs in those heels,” she murmurs. 

Lena grins. 

“It is definitely not as easy as it looks,” she chuckles. “Keep your hand there?”

Lena’s always been a glutton for punishment. The skin under Kara’s hand tingles. 

“Of course!”

Inside they are annoyed to find that they will be seated at separate tables. 

“But we always sit together,” Lena says bluntly to the worried host.

“I’m terribly sorry Ms. Luthor,” the man says, with terror in his eyes. “I don’t know why you and your girlfriend weren’t seated together.”

Lena can feel the blood drain from her face. She glances at Kara to see her frozen, with a blank expression on her face. Her heart sinks.

“Oh we’re not…” Lena fumbles for words.

There’s a line of people building up behind them.

“Let me just call the event manager,” the nervous man says, tapping his headset.

Lena feels a hand wrap around her upper arm and gently tug.

“Lena,” Kara murmurs, “It’s ok. We’ll still see each other a lot.”

Lena takes a deep breath. Kara’s right. They aren’t together. No one is obligated to seat them together or treat them as a unit. It’s better not to make a scene. She swallows her disappointment, wondering how dreadful her dinner companions will end up being. 

“Please don’t worry about it,” she says politely to the man, and let’s Kara lead her into the cocktail hour.

They don’t say anything more about the use of the word “girlfriend.” The last thing Lena wants is for Kara to be uncomfortable or embarrassed because of her so she does her best to move their conversation along and is pleased that Kara doesn’t seem to be dwelling on it.

Dinner doesn’t end up being dreadful at all. Kara is sadly seated a few large, round tables away from her. But if Lena shifts her head slightly, to look around the lavish centerpiece, she has a direct line of sight to where Kara sits, blonde head gleaming, at a table that seems to be populated by mostly media people. When Kara catches Lena looking she winks at her. Lena smirks and waves sarcastically but feels her cheeks heat.

“Girlfriend?” she hears a smooth, female voice ask, from beside her.

She glances in the direction of the voice to see a voluptuous, objectively beautiful woman with caramel skin and dark, wavy, bobbed hair. 

“Jennifer Alvarez,” the woman sitting beside her says, with a confident smile, holding out her hand. “But my friends call me Jenny.”

Gold bracelets jingle together on her wrist.

“Lena,” she responds politely, taking the woman’s hand. “And, no. Kara and I are just best friends. But they usually seat us together at events like these.”

Jenny’s hazel eyes twinkle and casually dance over Lena’s neck and bare shoulders. She has freckles sprinkled over the tops of her cheeks and bridge of her nose. Lena supposes that those freckles would be very appealing to some people. Even to her, once upon a time. Before-

“Best friends huh?” Jenny says, with a smokey voice, “I haven’t had a best friend since I was 17.”

She glances away, fingers twirling around the stem of her wine glass. “Of course I was hopelessly in love with her so I’m not sure that counts.”

Mischievous eyes hop back to Lena, gauging her reaction. Something about this woman puts her at ease. Lena feels her lips pull into a knowing smile.

“To straight girls,” she says, shocking herself with her boldness, and holds out her glass of scotch.

Jenny’s grin widens, revealing straight, white teeth. She clinks her glass against Lena’s. Holding her gaze in a way that’s hard to look away from.

“So is that what’s going on with tall, blonde and handsome over there? Straight-girl crush?”

Lena splutters and glances around. God, she’d walked right into something she was in no way prepared to face consciously, let alone verbally. She glances up reflexively to see Kara watching her with interest. 

“N-no!” She says a little too loudly, and then lowers her volume. “No. Kara and I are just friends.”

She smiles tightly and adds, unnecessarily, “We’ve been through a lot together.”

She can hear the annoyance bleeding into her voice. Is Kara listening in? Jenny had found her most sensitive spot within seconds and pressed right into it. For her part, the woman looks chastened.

“I’m sorry,” she says gently, placing a perfectly manicured hand on the table, close to Lena’s. Fingers almost touching. “I didn’t mean to be rude.”

She takes a quick sip of her drink and adds, “Bluntness serves me well as a CEO but… gets me into trouble pretty much… everywhere else.”

Jenny’s self deprecating tone puts Lena a bit more at ease and she takes a deep breath. Sighs.

“It’s ok,” she says, feeling her irritation cool. “I can be pretty blunt myself.”

She can’t help but feel intrigued by this intimidating, perceptive woman. And a little terrified. Jenny props an arm over the back of her own chair, twisting to face Lena more fully. It makes her long, sparkly, slinky dress shift and catch the light, drawing attention to her considerable curves.

“Let’s talk about something else,” Lena offers. “You said you’re a CEO. So let me guess. You’re in fashion?”

Jenny’s face lights into a truly charming smile. 

“Very good,” she says. “What gave it away?”

“Your incredible sense of style, obviously,” Lena says with a smile of her own. “I’d recognize Cynthia Rowley anywhere.”

“Very, very good!” Jenny purrs delightedly, with twinkling eyes and a subtle dance of her gaze over Lena’s cleavage.

“That’s a high compliment coming from you,” she adds. “That bustier fits you perfectly.”

Lena feels a slight blush begin to creep up her neck. It’s nice to be noticed. And by someone so attractive. 

After that they stick to safe topics of conversation as they eat their meal. 

Jenny talks about her fashion company and Lena begins to give her a brief overview of her own work and recent past but Jenny gently interjects, “I know who you are Lena.”

She then follows that statement with several smart, perceptive questions about Lena’s work that get her talking with the excited animation of a person who has a truly interested listener. Lena can’t help glancing over at Kara frequently, of course, noticing who she’s talking to and what frame of mind she seems to be in. Every couple glances she catches Kara watching her and Jenny with a curious expression. But dessert is served and finished before Lena, who is absorbed in her conversation with Jenny, even realizes what’s happening.

Finally, she’s just about to excuse herself to go talk to Kara, now that all the guests are beginning to rise from their seats and mingle, when Jenny asks her to dance. And Lena would really rather go catch up with Kara, but she can’t help respecting Jenny’s boldness. She likes her. Maybe they could be friends.

“Sure,” she replies, with a smile, rising and walking with Jenny toward the dance floor, “But who will lead?”

“I will of course,” Jenny smirks, without missing a beat, and takes Lena’s hand.

Surprised laughter erupts from Lena’s throat as Jenny takes hold of her waist, and steers her between bodies and onto the dance floor in one smooth movement. 

Jenny is a good dancer, as it turns out. She takes care with Lena’s high heels and leads her with confident grace. Her body is soft under Lena’s hands. Jenny is taller than Lena by several inches and from Lena’s vantage point it’s impossible not to notice the attractive way Jenny’s spaghetti straps are working so hard to hold up her ample breasts. The thin straps dig into her tan shoulders in a way that is just shy of too much and Lena can’t help but feel a stir of desire. It’s been so long since she’s been touched. In a life where she wasn’t already so… busy with… other things, she’d love to explore Jenny’s curves in depth. Maybe with her lips. Maybe with her teeth. She would yank those straps down, or better yet, snap them in two. She probably wouldn’t be strong enough but maybe Jenny would let her cut them, or maybe she could use magic… She’d trace the pink indentations left behind with her fingers… and then her mouth… 

Suddenly she’s imagining angular, athletic shoulders under those straps, brushing long blonde hair out of the way as she lowers her mouth… She catches herself. Swallows as the usual guilty panic sets in.

Stop, she tells herself.

She should be going soon. Kara might be wondering where she is. Her platonic friend , Kara. And Lena wants to know how dinner went. Was the man next to her as annoying as he looked? Did Kara get enough to eat? Lena had meant to save her leftovers for Kara but lost track of them.

Jenny seems to notice her distracted train of thought and slides the hand at Lena’s back ever so slightly lower and tugs. Lena’s thoughts snap back to the present. Jenny’s pink lips are just shy of smirking. And those lips are actually quite close, come to think of it. It really has been so long since Lena was touched.

“May I cut in?”

Lena’s head snaps to her right to find Kara, looking elegant and sleek in her black dress and flowing hair. The sleeveless dress accentuates Kara’s biceps in a truly mesmerizing way. Lena’s chest swells with pride. This is her best friend. Her Kara. There’s something very striking about Kara’s eyes just now. A glint of blue fire. 

Girl of Steel, Lena thinks, wonderingly.

Jenny is looking between them a little knowingly as Lena extricates herself from their embrace as graciously as she can.

“Kara!” she says… gushes, really. “Jenny, this is Kara Danvers. The Editor-in-Chief of CatCo media… and my best friend.”

Lena wonders if Jenny has put together the Kara-Supergirl pieces yet. It’s only a matter of time. Everyone knows who Kara is now. But Kara doesn’t love to lead with that.

“Nice to meet you Kara,” Jenny says, with a silken smile. “Jennifer Alvarez,” she adds, holding her hand out to Kara. 

Kara grasps it firmly and responds with, “It’s nice to meet you too, Jennifer” using her Supergirl voice.

It makes Lena’s skin tingle a little. There’s a silent moment where it seems like neither wants to break the other’s gaze and then Jenny smiles, a little too sweetly, and turns to Lena. 

“I’ll catch up with you later,” she says, rather privately, for someone Lena just met.

Then Jenny leans in and presses a very not-platonic kiss to the patch of skin just next to Lena’s mouth. Her lips tingle with the nearness of it. And then Jenny is gone, leaving Lena blushing and searching for words. For a moment Kara doesn’t seem to know what to make of it. They never discuss Lena’s queerness. Lena’s not even sure Kara’s really realized it. For Lena, it’s as if just mentioning her sexuality around Kara will out all her messy, over-the-top feelings. Lena had learned to keep her sexual identity to herself a long time ago. 

“I’m sorry!” Kara whispers, guiltily, taking Lena by the hand and winding an arm around her waist. “You looked like you might need a rescue but maybe I shouldn’t have.”

Lena looks up to find her actually wincing. It’s adorable. She tries not to think about the gentle arm around her waist. About Kara’s face, so close. Lena chuckles and looks away.

“Kara, it's fine. I was just about to come find you. How was dinner?”

She leans in closer to murmur, “Was that man as awful as he looked?”

Kara groans, then whines “Ugh! The awfulest!”

She sounds almost like the Kara Danvers Lena met years ago. The young, cub reporter. Youthful and adorably naive. Lena just grins at her affectionately. Kara pouts sweetly just a moment longer and then succumbs to her own smile. Kara is such a wonderful friend. The music is good and Kara is here and now, as they laugh and sway, everything feels just right. 

They dance and then mingle a bit more until it grows late. Lena has just wrapped up a conversation with the Mayor when Kara appears at her elbow. 

“I was just about to come find you!” Lena says, pleased.

“Here I am!” Kara grins sweetly, “Ready to go?”

“How did you know?” Lena jokes.

Kara scoffs.

“I know you better than you know yourself.”

Lena’s chest aches.

“True,” she replies, softly. 

“I’ll grab your things,” Kara says, with a squeeze to her arm, and then she’s gone; weaving through people to get to the tables.

“Heading out?” a familiar voice says behind her.

“Jenny!” Lena says, turning. “Yes, I’m afraid so. But it was so lovely speaking with you tonight.”

“Likewise,” Jenny says warmly, stepping closer.

Her smile grows a little more flirtatious and she says, “I’d love to do it again sometime. Dinner this weekend?”

She tilts her head and looks so lovely that Lena knows she'd be crazy to say no. She should do this. Want this. It would be very life affirming. But the seconds drag on while she tries to summon a response. Jenny’s smile fades a bit, though her clever eyes seem to be reading more in Lena’s body language and expression than Lena is strictly comfortable sharing.

“It’s ok,” Jenny says gently. “Maybe-“

“God!” Lena breathes, “I’m sorry Jenny. I’m being so rude. Of course I’d love to stay in touch, it’s just- I’m very busy right now.”

She glances around reflexively, looking for Kara. 

“I’m afraid I just don't have time for…” she trails off.

Dating? Friendship? What?

Jenny nods politely. Disappointed but not angry. And then Kara is there. Glancing between them.

“Ready?” 

Lena nods and turns back to Jenny. She’s about to apologize again but then Jenny is pressing an expensive looking business card into her hands with a smile. Hand lingering just a little too long.

“Let me know if things get… less busy,” she says, with a glance at Kara.

…….

That night Lena dreams she is in a beautiful, verdant forest. All around are moss-covered, old growth trees and lush ferns as tall as her knees. The sunlight slants brightly through the trees and as she watches, from her seat atop a large rock, a figure emerges from the light, backlit and glowing. The figure draws closer, sun gleaming off her golden hair. 

“Kara?” Lena asks, squinting into the light.

Kara’s smile is safe and warm. She doesn’t answer, just holds something out to Lena; a small sprig of some plant Lena’s never seen before. She takes it from Kara’s outstretched hand and the light surrounds them, white and eternal.

Chapter Text

After a hectic day at work, Kara changes into jeans and goes to play pool with her friends. As she walks through the worn, familiar doors she can feel the last vestiges of her stress from the day drop away. Lena is there, leaning against a high top in fitted jeans and a stylish blouse. Her fashionable, tasteful outfit doesn’t reveal anything and yet, somehow, also doesn’t conceal anything that Lena has going on. It’s amazing, Kara thinks, pausing to just take the scene in for a moment, that everything Lena wears somehow ends up looking so very Lena. Which is to say: Soft. And sharp. And achingly touchable. Lena is watching J’onn play against Kelly, who looks to be destroying him. Lena is laughing, with a pretty, pink blush on her cheeks, and cheering them on. 

“Earth to Kara,” a voice says, from right beside her.

Kara startles and finds Nia standing next to her with a tray of drinks balanced effortlessly on her arm.

“Nia!” 

Kara squeezes her into a side hug as gently as possible. 

“What’s that face about?” Nia asks bluntly, giving her a quizzical once over.

“What face?”

“Just- that dreamy… look.”

Kara scoffs. Had she been looking dreamily at Lena? Well that’s certainly to be expected. Lena is her best friend! And she’s amazing!

“Oh, just… happy to be here with you guys,” she says with a grin, and reaches carefully for a couple beers, “Here, let me help you.”

When they arrive at the cluster of high-top tables their group has commandeered, Kara finds that Lena has already ordered her a drink and her favorite food, without needing to be asked. 

“Oh thank god,” Kara gushes, eyeing the food and giving Lena a big, tight hug, as usual. 

Then she shoves a handful of fries in her mouth. 

“Hey, save some for me!” Esme’s small, high, child’s voice exclaims from the bar stool she is perched on, next to Lena.

Alex is standing beside Esme, one arm cradled around her small body to keep her from slipping off the stool.

“Esme!” Kara says, raising an eyebrow at her sister. “I didn’t know you would be here!”

She scoops the 6-year-old into a big hug, Esme giggling and wrapping her limbs around Kara like a monkey.

“I know, I know,” Alex says sheepishly, with a glance at Kelly’s triumphant smile as she wins her pool game. “Don’t judge us for bringing our kid to a bar. We didn’t want to miss out. We’re leaving once she’s done eating.”

“No complaints here!” Kara says happily, swaying with Esme.

Lena beams at them.

“Yeah, no judgment from me either,” she agrees, “But Alex, you know we’ll babysit for you any time right?” 

Kara grins at Lena and nods.

“Absolutely!” she agrees.

“Thank you,” Alex says, with a soft smile. “I know.”

Kara places Esme back on the bar stool carefully where she resumes eating chicken fingers. Alex gazes at her affectionately.

“And Esme loves hanging out with her Aunties. Don’t you kiddo?”

“I want to sleep over at their house next time!” Esme proclaims.

A peculiar look crosses Alex’s face.

“You mean Aunt Kara’s apartment?” she tries to clarify. “I know you lov-“

“No, the fancy place!” Esme pipes, “Auntie Lena and Auntie Kara’s big apartment. With the big tv! I could have my own bed!”

Alex raises her eyebrows and glances at Kara and Lena a little nervously. Kara chuckles.

“You think Lena and I are roommates?” she asks, bemused. 

“And,” Lena adds, with a curious smile, “that we have two apartments?”

Esme blinks at them.

“Yeah…” she says, confused, then: “No! You’re partners. Like Mommy and Mama. Are you gonna have a wedding?”

Surprised silence descends upon the table. And suddenly Kara is seeing her and Lena’s friendship through Esme’s eyes. The way they are both usually around whenever she is at one of their apartments. How familiar they are with each other's spaces, coming and going with their own sets of keys. There was the time Kara babysat Esme at Lena’s, while Lena was out of town, for a fun change. And the time Lena slept over at Kara’s with Esme because Kara got called away on a Supergirl emergency. 

Then Lena is smiling warmly and, playing with a lock of Esme’s hair, says, “Just best friends kiddo.”

Esme’s face pinches in adorable confusion.

“But… you’re in love.”

And Alex is watching Kara curiously. And Esme is looking extremely doubtful. And Lena is standing very still. And, suddenly, Kara’s mouth feels very dry.

Kara rushes to fill the silence.

“We love each other as friends, sweetie,” she says, bumping her hip against Lena, jostling her, “And the big TV is allll Auntie Lena’s.”

Her voice sounds strangely tight to her own ears.

“Mmm, I don’t know about that,” Lena quips, a reference to the fact that they almost always watch what Kara wants to watch.

Kara feigns shocked hurt. 

“Lena!” she gasps. 

Lena’s expression is all lighthearted joking. But still… there’s something slightly off about her eyes.

The rest of the night is fun. Lena’s gotten very good at pool. Of course she has. She says it’s all just math and probability, in the end. She doesn’t need Kara to hover behind her, guiding her hands into the right position any more. But the way she smirks and swaggers ever so slightly now, holding the pool cue in a loose and confident grip, wrapping her index finger around it and bending to take the shot, is such an inexplicably compelling sight that it more than makes up for it. They all play and eat and joke around for a couple hours. Lena grows progressively more tipsy as the evening wears on, leaning comfortably against Kara’s side while waiting for her turn. There’s a pretty flush to her cheeks. At one point, as they lean side-by-side watching Brainy and Nia play, Kara catches herself shifting to wrap an arm around Lena. She stops. Is this the kind of thing Esme was talking about? Is this something regular platonic friends would not do? 

At the end of the night Lena waits around for Kara to settle the tab and say all her lengthy goodbyes. She always does. Because Kara always insists on making sure Lena gets home safely after nights like this. The woman has had so many assassination attempts and kidnappings that she shouldn’t be allowed to walk around in public at all. But Lena likes walking. As it turns out. When she’s not wearing heels. And Kara likes to see Lena happy. So they will walk. And talk. And hug goodbye at Lena’s door. Like always. The thought fills Kara with contentment.

It’s a beautiful, crisp evening and they walk arm in arm rehashing the evening’s activities and the day's frustrations. They stop at a crosswalk and wait for a light. Lena’s such a good friend. The way the streetlight is hitting her eyes is completely blowing out the color, making her irises look like rings of white light. Her skin has the faintest pale luminosity. Like moon dust. Humans probably can’t see it. But Kara shouldn’t have missed it before now. Kara thinks, for the hundredth time, how magical Lena actually looks. Has always looked. Of course she’s a witch. It’s amazing no one had seen it before. But people so rarely see what they aren't already looking for. Lena doesn’t actually need a chaperone. Kara watched her light an entire trash can on fire with her mind last week and then immediately put it out. Her eyes had glowed faintly orange when she did it. Still, Kara walking Lena home is their routine. And this way Kara can be absolutely sure Lena gets home safe.

Lena is watching her. Smiling softly.

“What are you thinking about?” She asks.

Kara grins.

“Witchcraft,” she says with a chuckle.

Lena quirks a brow. 

“No, I just mean. You look extra magical tonight. Sometimes I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.”

Lena chuckles and squeezes her arm. 

“You’re the only one who thinks that darling.”

Lena glances away shyly. 

“You’ve always seen me through rose colored glasses.”

Kara doesn’t remember when Lena started calling her “darling.” At first it felt like just a feature of who Lena is. Like she probably called lots of people darling. But somewhere along the line Kara had realized and accepted that she was “darling,” and no one else. It’s such a sweet term of endearment for a best friend. It always makes her feel warm and fuzzy.

But Lena is getting that far away look in her eyes. Her gaze is trained on the streetlight, waiting for it to change, but Kara sees it go unfocused. Sees the sadness cloud her face. Lena is thinking of the times she’s abused Kara’s admiration. Her trust.

Kara wraps an arm around her, against a cold gust of wind, as the lights change. 

“Ah-ah, get out of your head,” she says jokingly, jostling Lena a bit for fun. “We’re here now.”

Lena looks at her and for a moment her face is all wistfulness. It’s a flash. And then it’s gone.

“Be here now,” Kara says lightly.

Lena’s light eyes sparkle.

“I’m here,” she says contentedly, and brushes a lock of Kara’s hair behind her ear.

Lena is such a good friend. Kara could watch her talk and smile, or listen to her brilliant ideas and opinions for hours… weeks! A lifetime. And that’s what they will have. A lifetime. Of course they will! Heck, maybe Esme is onto something and they should be roommates! They’ve been through too much together not to be best friends forever. And Kara’s just… gosh, she’s so glad. And so lucky. And seeing Lena doing so well… It's so wonderful to see her happy and thriving. To see her absorbed in work she finds meaningful… and surrounded by friends and a community that loves her. To be free of the toxic influence of her family.

When they say goodbye at the door to Lena’s building, Lena practically melts into Kara. She gets like this when she drinks sometimes. A little more touchy. A little more melty. Kara squeezes her and sways a little. Tipsy Lena is even softer than regular Lena. It’s really cute. Kara feels a cold nose press briefly into her neck. And then Lena is pulling away, leaving Kara’s neck all tingly; squeezing Kara’s wrist in parting with green eyes full of so much affection. Kara beams at her and waves goodbye. She listens carefully as Lena makes her ascent up to her apartment until she hears the door close. Then she bursts into the sky to head home.

….

In her dreams, she is Supergirl. Beaten bloody and sprawled on some dirty floor with wreckage around her. She has the distinct impression that she has been exposed to Kryptonite, but she can’t feel any of the pain or nausea usually associated with it. Just a heavy, fatigued feeling that keeps her body on the floor. 

Pock, Pock, Pock, Pock

She hears someone approaching, heels clicking on cement. Stilettos.

Then someone is standing over her; a deep shadow in the hazy gloom.

“Lena?” She whispers.

But Lena doesn’t speak. She gazes down at Kara, face somber and maroon lips downturned in that dispassionate way she has sometimes. Lena’s eyes are bright green and glowing. Like Kryptonite. The floor is gritty under Kara’s body. Lena places one heeled foot on Kara’s chest, stiletto digging into her sternum. With the toe of her shoe she prods Kara’s chin up, up, up, until her eyes slip closed.

“This is what you wanted, isn’t it?” Lena murmurs.

The heel digs deeper, pinning Kara down. She sighs, long and relieved.

“Yes,” she whispers.

Chapter Text

Lena shifts on her couch and stares at her tv, unblinking; lost in thought. On the screen, footage plays of Kara, glorious and powerful in her super suit, rescuing people from a building collapse by holding a heavy section of it over her head while they escape. The news anchors narrate the scene, informing the public that everyone was saved, only minor injuries, etc. etc. But Lena doesn’t hear it because the camera has zoomed in on Kara’s serious, focused face, a smudge of dirt on her cheekbone and a crinkle between her brows. And there’s really just no way for Lena to deny the butterflies in her stomach. Or the racing, pounding of her blood. She closes her eyes and collapses back onto the couch. After recent events, her… situation… is getting impossible to gloss over. Which is just terribly inconvenient and, frankly… sad.

Lena resigned herself long ago to the fact that if, in the vast expanse of the multiverse, there exists a world in which Kara could love her as more than a friend, and in that world there is a first move to be made, Kara would have to be the one to make it. She has also accepted that, for a wide variety of reasons, this will almost certainly never happen. Because even if there are feelings. Romantic feelings. Even if the deep well of humiliating love and lust she feels is not, in fact, one sided. Even then. She can’t risk it. She would never risk it. Not after everything. Not after losing Kara in a way that felt so irreparable. Not after she had gotten so lost in her own feelings of betrayal that she, in turn, betrayed Kara so completely. Not after (hope against hope) she got Kara back , and somehow earned her forgiveness. And re-gained all the movie nights and game nights and phone calls and text conversations and coffee dates and sweet moments of innocent affection: blue eyes twinkling at her over the rim of a coffee cup, hands brushing as they walk, slumping arm against arm on the couch, the sound of Kara’s laughter when she throws her head back and cackles, the tight, platonic hugs that steal her breath. The thought of losing all that again, if something were to go wrong, makes her feel physically ill. 

And that’s not to mention the risk of making Kara uncomfortable. The shame and self loathing she would feel as she watched Kara’s beautiful, innocent, unsuspecting face cloud with discomfort… or worse… disgust. No. Emphatically, no. This sweet longing and hurt she feels will remain a reminder of all that she has gained and all there is to lose. 

It’s just that… it’s just that sometimes… sometimes it feels like Kara might have some kind of more-than-friendship feelings too. When her warm, affectionate eyes land on Lena’s lips just a little too long. When she jumps to open a door for Lena and then fumbles, as if second guessing herself. The vulnerability that flits over her face whenever Lena mentions dating or exes. The pink flush on her cheeks the few times Lena has briefly mentioned sex.

And of course that look Kara gives her sometimes. Like Lena is something wonderful and precious.

In general Lena has no problem making the first move. With literally any other person Lena would simply grab them by their blouse or necktie and lay one on them. Because, com’on. She knows what she looks like. And she enjoys sex. Gender isn’t a factor for Lena as long as the person is attractive. If they’re intelligent too, even better. And she’s not opposed to one night stands, quick and dirty hookups or even the occasional high end sex worker. Of course, time is a limiting factor. In that she has very little of it. And, increasingly, what little free time is left over after her work with her foundation, and her collaborations with the Superfriends, belongs to Kara.

They’ve become each other’s go-to-person. Kara is Lena’s emergency contact and she’s pretty sure she’s at least one of Kara’s. Without discussing it they’ve become each other’s de facto plus-ones, for formal events and parties. Their friends have even started inviting them on double dates with the assumption that they will come together. Though no one calls it that. When Lena is at the supermarket she picks up Kara’s favorite snacks and when Kara goes shopping she always swings by Lena’s with a bag of staples and whatever she thought looked good that day (and, begrudgingly, vegetables… so Lena doesn’t complain.) Lena has even started choosing the few meals she cooks every week based on what Kara has supplied for her. And since Kara eats at her place at least a couple times a week it’s a good way to be sure she’s not only subsisting on snacks and fast food. 

For crying out loud Kara even puts her to bed a few nights a week. They’d probably sleep at each other’s places if it weren’t for Kara’s superspeed. Because when she can literally fly home in seconds it’s hard to make up an excuse to have her stay. So when Lena’s all cleaned up and ready for bed and they are reading or watching tv on the couch, Kara will watch for Lena’s heavy eyelids to droop. She will pull Lena to her feet with a smile and hug her sweetly before switching off the tv or closing Lena’s book and stepping to the balcony. 

All of which is to say: there hasn’t been much time for sex, even sex with herself , what with Lena’s de facto platonic life partner taking up all her spare time. She’s even found herself holding out on days that Kara isn’t around as if subconsciously expecting her to swoop down onto her home or office balcony at any moment and not wanting to be caught in the act. Not wanting to burden Kara with the knowledge of her needy, human lust. So Lena’s been reduced to stolen moments in her office en suite or the occasional times she wakes in the middle of the night sweating and wanting.

It all comes to a head on the first night Kara accidentally sleeps over ….

….

Supergirl…  Kara… had had a rough day. She’d had to leave a meeting with the CatCo board of directors where, as Editor-in-Chief, she was figuratively fighting for her life against a group of people so focused on money they couldn’t see the value of hard hitting journalism, to attend to a Supergirl emergency. It was supposed to be the quick and easy apprehending of a hostile alien wreaking havoc in the warehouse district. After a valiant effort the job had proved too dangerous for J’onn and Dreamer,  and the DEO agents, who were exhausted by the time she arrived. It had been a challenge, that was for sure, but she got the enormous creature contained and transported to a holding cell after a long and messy battle. For the record, tentacles are annoying as hell. She ended up covered in mud and slime and had to go shower and change and fix her hair and apply her makeup all over again before heading back to work. Then she had to slog through a literal pile of work (thank you superspeed) before preparing for an interview with a diplomat the following day which was so important she was doing it herself. Finally she made it home at 9 and all but collapsed on her bed for a night of blissful, restorative sleep.

That’s when her neighbor's bass had started thumping. Two hours later she is still wide awake. She’s thought of storming over there and demanding that they stop. Asking nicely. Reporting them for noise violations. But she doesn’t want to draw attention to the fact that she still lives here. That Supergirl, and the Editor-in-Chief of CatCo media, lives in a run-down, walk up, studio apartment with questionable security (at best.) So many things have changed in Kara’s life that she longs for the stable and familiar. She loves her apartment. Always has. It’s her safe place. Her home. She doesn’t want to lose it just because she could afford something a lot nicer now. Apart from her wardrobe and a new tv, Kara’s spending hasn’t changed much since receiving her sizable raise and promotion. 

In addition to not wanting to draw attention to where she lives, Kara doesn’t want to garner any negative press. So she waits and prays it will end soon. If it goes another half hour, she tells herself, she’ll just fly to Alex’s. It’s just she had really wanted to start the morning of her interview off in the sanctuary of her own home, with all her usual routines. 

She texts Lena because she could tell, when she saw her earlier, that she was so excited about some new tech she was working on that she’d be up late. And there hadn’t really been time to hear more about it.

Are you awake? she asks, the bright light of her phone streaming down on her..

After only a minute Lena responds.

Hi you, I am. Only just realized how late it is

Kara grins. She figured as much.

Excited about your new tech?

The three dots appear immediately. And then Lena’s response pops through.

Lol how did you know?

Kara shifts onto her belly as some dust scatters down from her ceiling during a particularly loud part of the song blasting upstairs.

I know you the best! she sends, picturing Lena hunched over her kitchen island or curled in her favorite armchair.

True , Lena replies, So why are you up so late darling? Can’t sleep?

Kara sighs and says, Ugh, my neighbors are having a party. It’s been going on for hours.

Lena’s response is instantaneous: Just come sleep here. You know you’re always welcome.

Hope for salvaging this night blooms in Kara’s chest.

Really?? I don’t want to bother you. I was just texting to vent.

Please, Kara, you know you’re never a bother. You’re welcome any time. Even without notice.

Touched, and relieved, Kara fires off a response and begins to gather her things.

Thanks bestie 🥺🥰

You’re a lifesaver!!

Gimme 10 min

When Kara lets herself in through Lena’s balcony door she finds her seated cross-legged on the couch in cute, satin jammies with a variety of items scattered around her: two mugs of steaming tea, notebooks, printouts, a tablet and a laptop. When she sees Kara she smiles sleepily, dimples forming in her pale cheeks. Kara breathes a sigh of relief. This is definitely better than what she left behind.

“I made us tea,” Lena says, gathering all her work materials into neat piles on the coffee table.

Then they curl up on the couch together, sharing a throw blanket and talking about their days while they sip Sleepytime tea. Kara tells Lena all about the tentacle alien and makes her laugh so hard she snorts. Which makes Kara bark out a laugh of delighted surprise. Lena’s cheeks grow rosy with embarrassment but she can’t stop smiling. And Kara loves when she smiles. Lena’s dimples always pop the most when she’s relaxed. 

“What are you looking at?” Lena asks, softly; smile relaxing just a bit.

“You,” Kara responds, cupping her tea mug in both hands. “I love when I can make you laugh.”

Lena rolls her eyes a little but Kara can tell she’s pleased. It makes a warm flame flicker in Kara’s chest.

“It makes me feel very proud of myself,” she jokes.

Lena chuckles. 

“You should feel proud,” she says, setting her tea mug down. “No one makes me laugh like you do.”

And there’s something so soft and open about Lena’s face just now. It makes Kara thank every deity that’s ever existed that they are where they are, right now, side by side under the same throw blanket. That they’ve weathered all their trials and misunderstandings to arrive at this place. With Lena beaming at her, relaxed and sleepy.

“You make me very happy,” she adds softly. 

“Well…good,” Kara says. “You deserve to be happy.”

Lena’s eyelids are heavy. Kara needs to get her to bed soon.

“When you say it, I almost believe it’s true,” she murmurs. 

It’s lighthearted, but it still pains Kara a little to hear Lena struggle with self doubt. She probably always will, to some extent. Kara sets her mug down and reaches for their blanket.

“Good, it is,” she responds warmly, folding the blanket and setting it aside. “Now, com'on. Time for bed.”

Kara stands and pulls Lena to her feet by both hands as she sighs and mumbles, “Mm. You’re right. I’m exhausted.”

Kara assumes she will sleep in the guest room, but when she goes to release Lena’s hands, Lena keeps hold of one. 

She leads Kara into her bedroom and, yawning, says, “You can use the bathroom first. You know where all the extra stuff is.”

“Oh. Ok,” Kara responds, watching Lena plug in her phone and pull down the covers.

She’s already in her pajamas so she just brushes her teeth, pees and washes her hands before heading back out. Lena passes her on her way out and the bathroom door clicks shut behind her. The covers on both sides of Lena’s massive bed are turned back and she’s placed a glass of water on each nightstand. She means for Kara to sleep here. With her. It makes Kara’s whole body hum with joy as she climbs into the other side of the bed and puts her phone on silent. Kara’s never slept in a bed so big and when she climbs in it occurs to her that having half of Lena’s bed is almost the same as having one of her own. 

Lena climbs in beside her, yawning again and switches off the light.

“Your bed’s really comfortable,” Kara murmurs.

Lena hums. 

“You want to snuggle, don’t you,” she mumbles, turning her head toward Kara in the dark. 

The moonlight sneaking in through the window shades glitters across the surface of her eyes.

“Mayyyybe,” Kara whispers, hopefully.

“Com’ere,” Lena chuckles, reaching lazily for Kara.

Kara wiggles closer and at first they lay forehead to forehead. Then Kara snuggles her head onto Lena’s shoulder until it’s resting against Lena’s neck. Lena heaves a deep, sleepy breath of relaxation.

“It’s nice to have you here,” she mumbles.

Kara clucks and snakes an arm over her waist to hold her close. She smells so nice. After a few minutes Lena’s heart rate slows and her breathing becomes steady. She rolls away from Kara, in her sleep, and Kara’s first instinct is to follow. She curls up against Lena’s back and wraps an arm over Lena’s body. Then she freezes. Is this too much? Is Lena awake? Do friends do this? Should she pull back? But then Lena’s hand wraps loosely around her wrist, gently keeping her there. She breathes deeply of Lena’s wonderful scent and begins to drift off. Drowsily she wonders how it can be that even when she has Lena right here, in her arms, and Lena’s perfect scent in her lungs, she already misses her, knowing they will have to part in the morning? Lena’s such a dear friend. Kara’s so grateful for her.

Soon Kara’s limbs grow heavy. She relaxes fully and falls asleep.

…

Lena squints into the early morning sun and shifts lazily. Squirms. Something about the body heat and Kara’s sweet familiar smell and the surprise of waking next to her and the absolute ages it’s been since anyone touched her in bed combines to make Lena suddenly desperate. She has to look away from Kara’s sleeping face and parted lips and the golden hair splayed across Lena’s pillow. The expanse of mattress on the other side of Kara is enormous, but here she is, curled up in Lena’s space. Carefully, urgently, Lena sneaks out of bed and breathes a sigh of relief once she’s on the other side of the closed bathroom door. 

She gets the cold water running and gets in the shower but it’s only a moment before she caves and turns the faucet to warm… and then hot. She can’t. She just can’t carry on like this without occasionally letting off steam. She’s human. Sue her. It’s been too long and now she feels like she’s going to melt or explode or something. She just needs to let off some steam. To get some relief for just a brief moment. She can have this. She’s allowed to have this.

Within minutes she’s trembling against the shower wall and biting down hard on her own arm to muffle her quiet gasps of pleasure. Involuntary images of blonde hair and golden skin flicker across the inside of her clenched eyelids when she comes. The fingers of Lena’s hand are slippery and clenched tightly between her own spasming thighs. And the relief is palpable. Spreading deliciously through her blood and over her skin as she trembles and shakes. As the hand nestled in her vulva grows very wet with something thicker than water. Seriously, why doesn’t she do this more often? She tilts her head back and sighs deeply with relief, melting against the wall, as hot water pours down over her body. Steam billows around her. As her wild heart rate begins to slow and even out. 

A small hiccuping sob catches her off guard. Her own. A hot tear slips down her cheek. Lena’s eyes pop open. There’s a pressure in her chest she’s only just noticing. A warm feeling of sweetness and pain. It’s nothing that hasn’t happened before, she tells herself. And she flicks the solitary tear away. But another small sob slips out. She thinks of Kara. Her darling Kara. Asleep in the next room. Of the bittersweet joy of having the friendship she has with Kara. She has so much more than she ever thought she would. And yes. She wants more. Of course she does. But maybe that’s just who Lena is. Someone who wants. Deeply and ravenously. Painfully. Someone who always wants more. It doesn’t mean she can’t enjoy what she actually has. Which is Kara: closer than she ever thought she would have her again. It’s enough. She’s grateful for it and she will accept that it has to be enough. She will. Lena sniffles and finishes her shower and takes a few deep, deep breaths. 

When she’s all dried off and wrapped up in her bathrobe with a towel around her hair, Lena quietly slips out of the bathroom to go in search of some clothes. And some coffee. Tiptoeing into her bedroom she stops short, just inside the door. Kara’s gone. In her place is a neatly made bed.  It isn’t entirely unexpected. But loss slices painfully through Lena anyway. As it always does. When Kara leaves. She shakes it off as she shuffles around gathering clothes to wear and checking her phone. Kara’s busy, she probably had to attend to a Supergirl emergency or get ready for work. Still, Lena thinks, frowning at her blank phone… it’s a little weird… isn’t it? That she didn’t holler goodbye through the door or shoot Lena a quick text? Lena stares across the room at her bathroom door considering, stupidly… belatedly.. for the first time today… that Kara has super hearing.

Chapter Text

Kara is fine. She is absolutely and completely fine. She’s… she’s cleaning her entire kitchen. At 7:30 AM. Which is… an unorthodox time to clean a kitchen. Sure. But, like… cleanliness is next to godliness… and a clean kitchen is a nice thing to have. She scrubs a little too hard at the speck of pizza sauce that had calcified on her stove top. The finish is coming off. Oops. 

And, like, Kara got home earlier than she would typically start getting ready for work and… now it’s later than she would typically start getting ready so… should she finish this up? Leave it undone? Start getting ready now? Skip the shower to save time? Shower.

Shower.

A hot blush begins to burn her face again. She groans.

Noooooo, nope! She is absolutely not going to think about her best friend, in the shower… naked… mastur- pleasuring herself… god, that phrasing isn’t any better. There should really be a better word for- Shoot.

Nope. 

Not thinking about this…

Skipping the shower it is. She tosses the sponge at the sink and in a whirl of speed she is dressed and made up and ready to go and… it’s 7:45. She usually leaves at 8. She picks up the sponge and starts scrubbing the same spot. The finish sands off completely under her hand. Shoot ! She throws the sponge in the trash. Groans with exasperation. 

Grabbing her bag and her jacket she bursts through the balcony door and into the sky. The flight to the coffee shop is only a minute but it’s still enough time for her to think about how much weirder she had made things by leaving Lena’s place so quickly and with no goodbye. Lena isn’t stupid. She’s going to figure out Kara listened in, without permission, and then freaked out and bolted. Kara groans as she touches down outside the coffee shop. 

Pinching the bridge of her nose she whines, “It was an accident!” to no one in particular.

A couple patrons glance at her curiously as she takes her place in line.

Ok.

Ok!

She can still salvage this.

She’ll just text Lena to apologize for overhearing.

Hi Lena! she mentally composes, So I was sort of half awake this morning and may have sort of half heard something-

No.

Good morning Lena! Thanks for letting me stay over! Sorry to cramp your style this mo-

No.

Hi there! Just wanted to say I’m so glad you are enjoying yourself! Masturbation is totally normal and natural! I do it too!

Kara groans and actually smacks her own head. No. No. No.

“Kara you’re an idiot,” she mumbles under her breath, before stepping up to the counter to place her order.

In the end she settles for: Hi Lena! Sorry to leave so quick this morning. Busy day! Thanks for letting me stay over!

Lena doesn’t respond right away. But Lena’s a busy person! That’s to be expected.

But as Kara sits down at her computer and tries to work, she can’t get the soft sounds of Lena’s orgasm out of her head. It was… beautiful. In an objective and totally platonic way, of course. Breathy and desperate. Controlled, but fragile and wild. So very human. So very Lena. When Kara had begun to stir awake to the sound of water running she hadn’t been monitoring her super powers. Hadn’t been blocking out sensory input in the same way she usually does. Had been half asleep, truthfully. Surrounded in the most luxuriously soft sheets and the most comfortable bed she’s ever slept in. Wrapped in Lena’s clean, floral scent. She felt relaxed and at ease. At peace. Last night had been so cozy and perfect. Escaping to the peace and quiet of Lena’s mansion in the sky. Curling up next to her on the couch with hot tea, comforted by Lena’s soft, sleepy voice. And Lena even let Kara snuggle up against her in the dark. The warm presence of Lena’s body lulling Kara into a peaceful, restful sleep. So can she be blamed for waking up a little disoriented?

When Lena’s heart rate began to increase in the shower, and her breathing changed, Kara was slow to clock it. It was just the background sounds of this slowly solidifying morning. But then there was a gasp. A- a whimper? Kara sat bolt upright, her own heart beginning to race. Was Lena ok? She had been just about to call out when Lena moaned in a way that was impossible to mistake, muffled as it was. Kara had sat there, frozen, as Lena’s small gasps and pounding heart rate had quickly reached a crescendo. 

It was… 

It was… 

Something Kara can’t let herself think too hard about now. It was an invasion of privacy, that’s what it was. Lena trusted her to keep her super powers to herself in moments like that. She never would have let her guard down so thoroughly if she thought Kara could hear. Kara, who was hogging her bed, where Lena might otherwise have been able to… Nope! Not thinking about that. 

As soon as Lena’s heart rate started slowing Kara had wrestled enough control over herself to get her super senses sorted. To push the right things into her brain’s “background” category and only keep a limited number of things in the “foreground” category. It’s a skill she mastered long ago. A skill she hadn’t quite put into practice just yet, first thing in the morning. Then she panicked. And bolted.

Kara starts re-reading an email she’s already tried to read a dozen times. She has to focus! Her interview with the Iranian diplomat is in two hours and she has a mountain of work to get through before then. She can’t think about what she heard, or how she responded or what Lena might be thinking or whether she knows. And she definitely can’t think about that brief sliver of a moment when she was tempted to use her X-ray vision. She’s happy for her friend! That’s all. That’s the main thing. But… also, a little worried that Lena might think she’s a creep for listening in. And also a little… confused about why Lena would take the risk? And… now that she’s thinking about it… suddenly aware of how little time Lena has to herself. For things like… that. Kara thinks of James. Back when Lena was dating him Kara had been with Mon El. So they hadn’t spent nearly as much time together as they do now. She thinks of Esme’s comment. Of the gala host assuming they were in a relationship. Lena has needs. Of course she does. But with Kara hanging around all the time she doesn’t really have room for… Should Kara give her more space? But Lena doesn’t seem to want more space. She initiates at least half of their interactions. 

Finally Kara has to admit that this is a problem she can’t solve right now. And her time to finish reviewing emails and last minute prepping, before heading into her interview, is quickly drawing to a close. So she pulls deep from her Supergirl arsenal of skills and compartmentalizes the issue for another time. Kara’s always been very good at compartmentalization.

—————

The interview is difficult. Kara uses every ounce of her weeks of preparation. She walks a tightrope of being approachable and disarming while never letting up on her line of questioning, returning again and again to the same questions in an effort to get the stoic, evasive man to crack. The rewards are huge. She scores a major admission and three notable quotes. And she leaves feeling exhausted. As she heads back to her office to face an afternoon of meetings and editing, she scrolls through her phone, briefly reviewing the string of new text notifications and emails, prioritizing what she can respond to now and what needs to wait.

Lena’s name practically jumps off the screen at her. The text is short but causes a wave of relief to wash over Kara. It’s a response to Kara’s last text apologizing for leaving so abruptly.

No worries. Coffee tomorrow?

——————

Lena’s so stressed about her meeting with Kara the next day that she sleeps fitfully. She rises and falls into dreams; sometimes aware she is sleeping and sometimes not. At some point it becomes clear that she is in a restaurant; a quiet, candlelit place. But there are no other guests, or even servers, around. Except one. She and Kara are in a partially curtained off, corner table, sitting close. Quiet and intimate. Kara smiles sweetly at her, blue eyes twinkling. 

“Aren’t you going to eat your meal?” She asks. 

When Lena looks down at her delicate, white china plate there are a handful of clear, round berries piled on an arrangement of deep green leaves. They look like glass.

“It won’t destroy you,” Kara says with a light, reassuring tone.

Lena takes a berry and pops it in her mouth. It’s tart. Bittersweet.

“Here, wash it down,” Kara says, suddenly standing in front of her in long, blue robes. 

She holds out a glass of golden wine and cups Lena’s cheek in her hand. Lena is on her knees, gazing up, up… in worship. Reverence. Kara tilts Lena’s chin with her thumb and holds the delicate glass to her mouth, smiling when Lena’s lips drop open. The first taste is sweet and bright.

Chapter Text

They meet mid-morning at a diner closer to Lena’s office so that Kara can avoid running into a ton of co-workers.

I really need a break from this place, she had texted Lena this morning. 

But Lena suspects that maybe Kara wants them to have privacy. She shifts in her seat and adjusts the collar of her shirt. It feels so hot and tight for some reason. It is hot in here. Isn’t it? The server brings her two cups of coffee and Lena takes a sip. It’s awful. But Kara will love the large menu. So it’s worth it. Lena reaches, a little desperately, for the cream and sugar.

A small commotion outside the diner window catches her attention. A golden blonde head surrounded by a small crowd. A few kids and a couple adults, probably wanting autographs. It happens a lot now. 

They will be walking down the street or out at dinner and someone will ask, “Hey, aren’t you Supergirl?”

Kara is always gracious and friendly, even when it’s hard for her. This time is no different. She engages the children and stoops to take pictures with them; signs a couple autographs. It takes the server a couple attempts to get her attention when she comes to take Lena’s order. Lena blushes and schools her features into something less ridiculous. Hopefully.

“My friend will be here in a moment,” she says. “I’ll wait for her, thanks.”

Kara enters the diner looking a little flustered. But, as always, her eyes light up when she sees Lena. Lena smiles and waves a small wave and then Kara is crossing the space and sliding into the booth. 

“Sorry I’m late,” she says with a wince, “Someone recognized me-“

“I saw,” Lena says with amusement, and Kara grins shyly.

They make small talk. Work. The weather. Kara is noticeably awkward and it makes Lena’s heart sink. The server comes back, but Kara only orders a muffin. And Lena finds she has no appetite. Finally, when Kara has her muffin and there’s a lull in the awkward small talk, Lena bites the bullet. It has to be done.

“Sometimes I forget,” she says quietly, watching Kara shred her muffin into a pile of crumbs. 

Lena had spent the previous day wracked with nerves and unsure how to proceed. Mostly she can’t believe she got herself into this situation. Kara almost certainly heard her masturbating in the shower like some horny teenager who just couldn’t wait. 

Sex isn’t shameful, Lena reminds herself. Even sex with oneself.

By mid afternoon Lena had decided to just face things head on and ask Kara to coffee. If Kara truly acted like nothing was amiss, Lena wouldn’t mention it. But if she was weird…

In response to Lena’s quiet statement, Kara glances up. Her bright eyes are confused. So much warm affection fills Lena’s chest.

“Who you are,” Lena clarifies gently, glancing around the coffee shop. “That you have… abilities…”

Realization is dawning on Kara’s face as she begins to recognize Lena’s train of thought and she freezes, eyes wide and fingers caked with crumbs. 

“Super… hearing… abilities,” Lena says softly, feeling her face flame with embarrassment.

Kara visibly gulps and Lena suddenly can’t look at her. She clears her throat and chuckles; a dry, strangled sound. It’s still silent so she peeks up at Kara to find her absolutely fuschia with embarrassment, mouth agape and fumbling for words. The affection in Lena’s chest blooms into something fierce and warm until it feels like it might burst. She can’t help but smile at Kara’s awkwardness, in spite of her own discomfort, and offer her a lifeline.

“I’m sorry,” she says softly, ruefully, searching Kara’s blue, blue eyes.

“No!” Kara splutters, finally finding her voice.

A chaotic mess of emotions seems to scramble across Kara’s golden face before she gets it under control.

“No…” she continues, more calmly. “Lena, I’m sorry…” 

Lena breathes a small sigh of relief that at least Kara isn’t pretending. Kara’s eyes drop to her pile of crumbs again as if she can’t bear their eye contact any longer. Inwardly Lena prays Kara either left before the crying part or won’t bring it up. 

“I should never have imposed on you… like that- at your place, a-and-“

“Well,” Lena interrupts, with a small scoff, “Com’on Kara… I mean you know you’re welcome any time. I’m the one wh-“

Kara’s eyes flick back up.

“It’s…” she interrupts, smiling a wide, placating smile and scrunching her eyes in that sweet way of hers, “It’s fine, Lena… we’re friends and… and I shouldn’t have been listening in-“ at this Kara’s eyes go wide, “N-not that I was…” she gulps, “listening in…” she’s beginning to gesture wildly with her hands and Lena’s pretty sure she hasn’t taken a breath in a while. “I just, you know… didn’t have my glasses on… and I was just… waking up so I wasn’t really… paying attention, and…”

Kara’s so flustered that it’s honestly adorable and Lena can’t help smiling. Kara locks eyes with Lena, beseechingly.

“Because, Lena, I would never intentionally invade your privacy like that.”

Lena chuckles lightly and places her hand over Kara’s, stilling it’s nervous twitching.

“Kara! Kara it’s ok! I’m not upset with you! Just… a little embarrassed,” she says sheepishly.

Kara seems to relax a bit and her hand presses lightly into Lena’s. 

“I just… wasn’t thinking,” Lena adds. “I’ve been going through a dry spell, admittedly, and I guess it scrambled my brain a bit, but… I’ll be more careful,” she puts on what she hopes is a warm, lighthearted smile, “It won’t happen again.”

Kara looks unexpectedly lost so Lena decides to tease her a bit, to try and get them back to an equilibrium of some kind.

“Well… I mean it’ll definitely happen again ,” she says, mischievously, “Just not when a Kryptonian is nearby.”

Lena wiggles Kara’s hand jokingly. But instead of the blush Lena had expected, Kara seems to pale slightly, looking downright unmoored. Then she blinks a few times, clears her throat and smiles. 

“Fair enough,” she chuckles.

They settle into a comfortable, familiar silence for a few moments, soaking in the familiar clatter of the coffee shop. It’s a beautiful, warm spring day and the windows are open letting a fresh, gentle breeze float through the space. A server is clearing the table next to them and Lena marvels at the way she balances the plates and cups in a precarious pile, then whisks them off to the kitchen without dropping any.

“I-” Kara’s voice draws her attention back.

They’re still holding hands.

“I take up a lot of your time,” she continues, hesitantly. 

Lena’s warm affection for Kara spreads all over her face. 

“It’s yours to take,” she gushes, before she can stop herself.

Inwardly she cringes at the naked adoration in her voice. She’s always doing this! Saying too much. Giving too much away. Kara’s brow furrows and she visibly swallows.

Lena tries again, forcing her voice into something more lighthearted and flippant, “You’re my best friend.”

“I know,” Kara says earnestly, “I was just thinking… I take up so much of your time you don’t really have time to… date.”

Lena swallows and glances away. She pulls her hand back and reaches for her coffee cup.

“And what about you?” she asks softly. 

Kara’s face goes blank, as if she truly hadn’t expected Lena to turn the tables on her. 

“Seriously,” Lena teases, “Now that everyone knows who you are, people must be throwing themselves at you!”

She tries so hard to keep the resentment she feels out of her voice. Kara makes a dismissive gesture.

“Ah, it’s too hard right now. The people who want to date Supergirl are, honestly…”

“A little weird?”

Kara cringes. 

“Yeah.”

“Well, isn’t there anyone you want to date? Maybe the good ones are intimidated. You know, they might just need an extra nudge,”

Kara narrows her eyes.

“You know I haven’t missed how you turned this little chat around to deflect from your lack of a dating life.”

Lena grins, feeling her cheeks warm.

“Busted,” she chuckles.

Her coffee has gone cold but she pretends to sip at it anyway.

“No, I…” she tries, “I guess I’m just busy and… you know… I can’t exactly just jump on a dating app.”

Kara’s eyes widen knowingly and she nods.

“Relatable,” she murmurs.

Lena’s always had a self-destructive streak. 

So she grins in a way she hopes is platonic and says, “Maybe we should just date each other.”

Kara’s blue eyes go wide again and she drops them to the table, chuckling. A pretty blush tinges her cheeks and Lena is lost in it.

“I’m kidding,” Lena says, ducking her head till Kara meets her eyes again. “I know you’re straight,” and she winks. 

Because apparently her masochism has reached new heights. But rather than descending into an uncomfortable, spluttering mess Kara’s gaze locks on her, curious and sharp. She cocks her head.

“Aren’t you?”

It’s not said with judgment. Just an innocent surprise. Lena shifts in her seat, wondering if she can fake an emergency and bolt. This is NOT how she planned for this to go. She can feel her face doing something weird but she can’t stop it.

“Oh, I mean… I thought I had mentioned that I’m… I mean I- I’m… bisexual,” she fumbles, setting her cup down but continuing to grip it. “ Pansexual , I guess, technically.”

Her voice dwindles to a murmur, “Although I don’t usually think of it… in those terms.”

It.

She could kick herself. All this time. All these years. She’s a successful, powerful woman who doesn’t take shit from anyone. But it’s still so hard to talk about her sexuality confidently with Kara.

Please don’t see it, she pleads, inwardly. Please don’t see how devoted to you I am.

 The truth is she hasn’t had all that many relationships with women. Mostly it’s been messy hookups and casual dating when she was in her late teens and early 20s. And some anonymous one night stands after she found out about Kara being Supergirl. All of her serious relationships have been with men. It’s partly because the women she’s pursued either didn’t feel the same or ran the other way when they found out she wasn’t a lesbian. There’s one particular first date that haunts her. It was with a gorgeous woman who, after a full hour of lovely, chemistry filled conversation, stood and walked out of the restaurant when Lena casually mentioned a male ex. 

“Thanks for wasting my time,” she snarked, and left Lena with the check. 

The staring eyes of the server and the other patrons still make her cheeks burn. 

Then there was the woman Lena had spent an afternoon eating out in a hotel room, only to have her bolt, after two orgasms, because Lena let it slip that it was nice to go down on a woman for a change.

“I don’t date straight girls,” the woman had said apologetically, as she dressed in a rush.

Bewildered, Lena had said, “I’m not straight,” while wiping the woman’s cum from her face.

Lena kind of understands their wariness in the sense that she also, unfortunately, has a nasty habit of falling for straight girls. Present company included. It’s not the straight girls’ fault, and she tries hard not to resent them for it. After all, she knows what it’s like to be resented and looked upon with suspicion just for existing. A lot of people believe that bisexual women are ‘actually straight’ for the same reason they believe bisexual men are ‘actually gay:’ the old “all roads lead to dick” rule. Because even some folks in the queer community can’t imagine a sexual reality where cis men aren’t the only logical end game. Gotta love good old fashioned misogyny cloaked in progressive packaging. 

Lena’s never really been great at making friends. But she had tried for a while to be part of queer groups and organizations. The truth is, though, no one really wanted her there unless she was actively dating a woman. And at that point in her young life it just hadn’t worked out yet. It wasn’t everyone. But there were enough people that only tolerated her. So long as the conversation started and ended with how privileged she was as a bisexual. It always struck her as funny that her bisexuality was the only privilege anyone ever wanted to discuss back then. In Lena’s mind it was her money and race that privileged her the most. Those things she could fully get behind compensating for in every way possible, mostly by donating large amounts of money to various anti-racist organizations and insisting on aggressive DEI initiatives at L-Corp and every other business she’s ever had her hands in. But being bisexual? It’s really hard to apologize for something that’s brought her so much pain, confusion and alienation. 

Where gay folks are suspicious and dismissive, cis, straight men are downright creepy and dangerous. Their first reaction, even the good ones, is always ‘what does this mean for me?’ Whether they smirk knowingly, assume she’s available for threesomes at any time, or think her sexuality is a fun, novel thing for them to fantasize about. As long as her desires include and cater to them, they have ‘no problem with it.’ Until they feel insecure. Until the relationship starts to tank. Then the only thing to blame is her bisexuality. Nine times out of ten she ends up wishing she’d never brought it up. It’s truly exhausting. 

Even Jack, one of the best men she’s ever known, had once sulkily said, “Sometimes I worry you’re going to leave me for a woman,” after picking a pointless fight with her. 

Miffed, she’d snarked, “Maybe I’ll leave you for a man,” and stormed out of the room.

If she’s honest, though, one of the main reasons she hasn’t dated women in a long time is due to the pressure of being so firmly in the public eye. Adding both homophobia and biphobia to the lovely cocktail of assassination attempts, maniacal family members trying to control her, and urgent, end-of-the-world crisis to attend to just felt like… more than she could handle. Something to put off for another day. She might’ve been able to stomach either the biphobia or the homophobia. But they were always a package deal and she just couldn’t bear both at the same time. And there were much more pressing issues to attend to. Or so she convinced herself. In any case, the double closet was where she stayed (more or less). And by the time she really faced the fact that living that way wasn’t fair to her or anyone else, she had already fallen for Kara. And what woman (or man… or human, for that matter) could compare to Kara? Kara, who is currently blushing and stammering adorably.

“Oh!” Kara rushes to smooth things over, “I’m sorry Lena, I guess we never talked about it really… Not in any specific terms. I know you mentioned a couple women… a long time ago… I guess I didn’t think… Because I’ve only known you to date men… so I just assumed … But I shouldn't have…”

“Kara!” Lena laughs, interrupting her breathless babbling, “It’s ok!”

She shakes her head and looks away.

“I don’t know why it’s still so hard for me to talk about honestly. It’s silly.”

“It’s not silly,” Kara urges gently; long, delicate fingers unwinding Lena’s from her coffee cup again. “Hey, you know I accept you right?”

Her eyes are so, so blue. And kind. And earnest. And lovely. Darling Kara. Lena’s heart stutters. Kara’s eyes flick to her chest briefly.

“I know,” Lena says softly.

She’s so lost in Kara’s eyes that she almost doesn’t notice the way they drop to her lips, and linger. Belatedly, Lena realizes she’s biting her bottom lip. A nervous tic she’s never been able to break. She releases it from her teeth quickly and Kara glances away. They’re still holding hands. Lena’s chest aches. She loosens her grip on Kara’s hand and finds her coffee cup, taking another cold, minuscule sip. Kara leans back in her seat and loosely crosses her arms, turning her gaze to the window. Lena should really be heading back to the office, but something is holding her here, in this uncomfortable, fragile moment. They’ve never talked like this and it feels like they are skating on the edge of something deep and dangerous. It’s thrilling. And dreadful.

“Cat was badgering me about some high end matchmaker last week,” Kara tosses off, casually. 

Lena’s eyes fix on the strong, graceful profile of Kara’s turned face. The light from the window dances across her hair making it flash golden. Now that Kara is out to the world as Supergirl she doesn’t wear glasses unless she is desperate for the sensory relief the lead frames give her. And, while Lena kind of misses those little glasses, their absence only makes Kara’s profile more compelling to look at. Her eyes, more captivating. Kara turns her earnest blue gaze back to Lena.

“Maybe you should try it,” Kara suggests, with an encouraging smile. “You know… you could have them set you up with men and women.”

The ache in Lena’s chest is reaching a familiar tipping point. Soon she’ll need to excuse herself to get her emotions in check. She smiles at Kara. Darling Kara.

“Maybe,” she says softly.

Kara’s brow quirks like she’s hearing something in Lena’s voice. Something Lena didn’t mean to share.

“And you?” Lena prods, hoping to shift the spotlight off of herself.

Kara smiles sadly, her eyes dancing across the surface of the table. 

“I’m…” she smiles and shakes her head dismissively, “Not ready.”

Lena smiles ruefully.

“Mon-El?” she asks, gently.

“Yeah, I guess.”

Lena hums sympathetically, knowing how much Kara had loved him. Had been heart-broken over him.

“I don’t even know if I miss him that much anymore,” she continues, words quickly devolving to a ramble. “But having him leave so suddenly and in such a… dramatic way… and then come back a different person… And be so cold at first. And then not. A-And leave again! And then the back-and-forth… And- and all the feelings all that brought up and then the mixed messages… it was all so…”

“Traumatic?”

Kara chuckles in surprised agreement.

“Yeah, I guess. A little.” she muses, and Lena thinks she’s done but then Kara fiddles with her napkin and adds, “But, also-”

She abruptly breaks off with large eyes, as if suddenly becoming aware of where she is or what she was about to say. 

“What?” Lena prods, gently, ducking to catch her gaze.

Kara’s blushing. She swallows and stares back as if she’s unable to look away.

“I just… It was nice to… not have to worry about… breaking someone,” she shrugs, voice gets softer.

Her eyes drop.

“It was nice to… let go.”

She glances up, self-consciously. And Lena knows Kara well enough that she immediately catches her meaning. And her voice has gone so soft and wistful that Lena feels her heart twinge. Puzzle pieces are falling into place. Kara can’t be truly intimate with humans. In a physical way. Either can’t have sex or can’t risk orgasm or something similar. Either way it’s a heart-breaking reality to contemplate.

“Oh, darling,” Lena breathes, sliding her hand over Kara’s.

And Kara is staring at her lap now, blinking quickly. Lena flounders for words as she squeezes Kara’s hand tightly. Kara squeezes back.

“I’m so sorry,” Lena says softly.

“Thanks,” Kara gulps, and seems to wrestle control over herself.

And Lena opens her mouth to say ‘that must be very difficult,’ or ask Kara if she wants to talk about it… but then Kara glances up with pleading eyes.

“How did we end up talking about me again?” she says, with a wry smile.

Picking up on Kara’s need to lighten the mood Lena shrugs playfully, batting her eyelashes with faux innocence. Kara guffaws; a small, whispy sound and her blue eyes dance. And Lena would gladly stay here for another hour. Would cancel her next meeting, hell, her whole afternoon, if Kara needed her. Needed to keep talking. But Kara’s body language is getting twitchy, restless. Like she needs a break from the intensity.

Boundaries. Lena thinks. This isn’t the same for her.

So Lena gives her an out.

“I should probably go,” she says after a moment, making a show of checking her watch.

Kara groans, “Yeah… me too.”

She smiles brightly and says “Back to putting out fires in and out of the office!”

Lena laughs, “I just feel lucky my emergencies are mostly work-related these days.”

When they hug goodbye, outside the coffee shop, Lena soaks Kara in like she’s the warm spring sun currently shining down on them. Kara’s arms are strong but gentle around her back, like always. Lena breathes in her wonderful scent. Tries to ignore the terrible, terrible platonic nature of it. Like always. The sweetness. And this time… this time… Kara slides one hand ever so lightly up Lena’s back and rests it, like a whisper, on the back of her neck, over her ponytail. There’s the briefest hint of skin against skin and a fraction of a moment where Kara squeezes her just a little tighter before she’s pulling back, saying, “See you later!” and weaving her way down the sidewalk leaving Lena squinting into the sun, her traitorous body on fire.

Chapter Text

Kara rushes off to her meetings, head spinning from her interaction with Lena. From Lena’s huge admission to Kara finally voicing one of the things she buries most deeply. She feels an odd mix of shame and relief. She also feels remarkably seen . Lena had met her admission with such empathy and concern. And not an ounce of weirdness or disgust at Kara’s “difference.” Although, by nature, Kara has never been one to dwell on setbacks, emotional injuries or disappointments, it strikes her how much she’d come to see her super-strength as a dysfunction, when it came to sex. A shameful secret that she tries to put out of her mind. Giving her partners pleasure and taking care of herself later. She would fib about “not being able to come.”

“I just want to make you feel good,” she’d whisper in the dark.

And it wasn’t untrue. Kara likes making other people happy. She likes bringing joy to the people she cares about. She likes being useful. But that doesn’t mean that, when she finally lets herself think about it, it’s not frustrating. Disheartening.

And with Mon El. It had been different. Sure he wasn’t as strong as Kara, but it was possible at least. She only had to hold back a little bit. Kara had finally, finally been able to let go and just have a freaking orgasm with another person. Many orgasms, in fact. It’s so very unlikely she will find something like that again.

Kara swallows and sets her jaw. No point dwelling on the past. She and Mon El are past tense. Distant past tense. Wherever his heart may be or have been, his feet… his place , is in the future. Kara belongs here. In this time. In this place. With these people. In spite of everything, she doesn’t regret it. Even if it is a little lonely sometimes.

There’s Argo, her mind whispers. There’s always Argo.

Argo. Where she isn’t the last of her kind. Where she isn’t super- anything. 

Maybe someday, she thinks. 

After all, she’s not in a hurry. Her life here is so rich and full. How could she give up her friends here to go live on Argo? Sure she could maybe fall in love and have orgasms with some unknown, as-yet-nameless person. Some uninteresting, fuzzy idea of a Kryptonian who may or may not exist. But how does that compare to what she has here? Her job and her life and her sister and her friends and Lena! 

Lena is in a category all her own. Because of course she is! She is so incredible and brilliant and funny and soft and caring and strong and just… so wonderful! She’s not just Kara’s friend. She’s Kara’s best friend. Lena’s such a good best friend. She was so brave today getting Kara to talk about overhearing her. And coming out to her! Now she knows Lena just that little bit more, which is so meaningful. Sure, it’s a lot to process, like… like why did Lena not tell her before now? Did she not trust Kara? And, like… how many women has Lena been with and… and what’s that like for her? Murky images of Lena having sex with faceless women bloom within Kara’s mind and she gasps, shocked at herself. That's… probably something that’s inappropriate to wonder about. 

But still, Kara can’t help wondering what it feels like… to be bisexual. To be with women sometimes and men other times. If she’s honest she’s never had occasion to think about it before. All the queer people she knows are gay. She’s always had the impression that sexuality is… binary. But gender isn’t binary… So why would sexuality be? And, honestly? Bisexuality makes a lot of sense. At least to Kara. After all, hasn’t it always been more about that intangible combination of personality and goodness for her? And attractiveness of course. That’s important too. She knew bisexuality was a “thing,” technically,  but… maybe she thought those people were just experimenting? Or were very promiscuous? But she knows Lena. The relationships with men that Kara has known Lena to have were authentic. And… Lena clearly hasn’t gotten laid in a while. Even though she totally, totally could. I mean, what person wouldn’t be attracted to Lena!? Kara clears her throat. Is that a normal thought to have though? Of course it is! Lena is her best friend and she is Lena’s biggest fan! But anyway, the main thing is that Kara can’t imagine ever finding a friend as dear as Lena. As special. So, no. Argo can wait. Human dating can wait. Her life is great now. With Lena she can just be Kara. Not Kara Danvers. Not Supergirl. Both. And neither. Lena sees and accepts and loves all of her. She understands what it means to have power and not always be sure of the right way to wield it. To make huge mistakes with grave consequences and then have to live with them and try to do better.  Sometimes her feelings about her friendship with Lena feel so intense she wonders if there should be another word for it. Sometimes she is wracked with sudden terror that she could lose Lena some day.

Kara’s feelings for Lena are an iceberg. Daily, she marvels at the glorious, powerfully imperfect, diamond tip rising gracefully from a glistening sea. But there is always a small voice, in the back of her mind, whispering that something more lies in the vast depths below. And whenever she thinks to examine that messy, mysterious bulk, it’s like she forgets how to swim. Can barely dip her toe in. Still, lately she can’t shake the sense that she needs to find some scuba gear. Before her life cracks wide open on the iceberg’s unseen mass. Again.

—————————

Lena rushes off to her first meeting of the day in a daze, oxfords snapping against the sidewalk. It’s only a short walk from the coffee shop to her foundation’s office, but, god, in flats she could walk for miles. She really should have started wearing them a long time ago. It’s a shame they don’t make her taller though. She stops at a light with a group of other pedestrians, on autopilot. She came out to Kara. She came out to Kara. And the world didn’t end. And that is such an immense and overwhelming reality that Lena knows, with certainty, once she starts to obsess over it, she won’t stop. So she slams the door. For now. And ignores the doorknob that’s already jiggling. No, what she really needs to focus on is Kara’s dilemma. For the first time, the significance of Kara losing Mon El is hitting Lena full force. Her heart aches for Kara. She must be so frustrated! But here she is, the epitome of sunshine and optimism. Golden and bright. Something begins to weigh on Lena and she lets her gaze slip to the ground. Traffic sounds swirl around her. A grim certainty settles over Lena, as the light changes and she begins to walk, following the feet in front of her. She, herself, is human. Even if every other roadblock were somehow magically removed, she could still never measure up to Mon El. Not in this way. Immediately, she inwardly kicks herself. What a ridiculous thought! Why is she getting all worked up over something that’s never going to happen anyway? Still, the inadequacy of knowing she could never be what Kara needs, in yet one more way is… strangely devastating. The doorknob jiggles.

She reaches her building and greets the doorperson who whisks the heavy door open for her as she enters the spotless lobby. She waves to the front desk staff, mind racing. Because Lena is not without her own abilities. She may not be a Super, but she is a gifted scientist and engineer with near limitless resources and relentless, obsessive focus. She’s made a yellow sun grenade. There’s no reason to think she couldn’t whip up some sort of red sun device so that Kara would have the option to truly let go. In fact, for a friend like Kara, Lena doesn’t see how she could not take action. 

It’s decided, she thinks. 

Chapter Text

Kara closes the door to Esme’s room quietly and slips down the hall to the living room. Esme needs to fall asleep with the door open and the hall lights on but also needs everything dark and quiet to stay asleep. It’s a delicate balance that had taken Alex and Kelly a while to figure out. For dinner Kara had made Esme her “trademark” grilled-cheese sandwiches (which is to say, regular grilled cheese sandwiches zapped for half a second with her heat vision; a process that, and this is key, has to be carefully witnessed by Esme from start to finish.) Then they’d played with Esme’s dollhouse, Kara had bathed her and dressed her in fuzzy pajamas and then they’d had popcorn while watching a Disney movie. Kara feels so grateful and full every time Esme snuggles up to her and rests her head against Kara’s arm. 

Now she settles onto the couch with some hot chocolate and about a dozen marshmallows in a bowl, to snack on. She’ll grab more later. There doesn’t seem to be much on tv so she settles on some documentary about coral reef bleaching. It’s a bummer to watch, honestly, and she lets her mind wander. It’s so great being an aunt! It seems to have awoken a part of herself she didn’t know existed previously. It makes her wonder if she, too, could be a mother someday. The thought still kind of shocks her. It’s nothing she’s really thought about before. And it truly seems like the hardest work. But seeing Alex and Kelly so happy and fulfilled with Esme strikes a chord in her that’s hard to ignore. Oh man, what would Lena think of her being a mother? Would she laugh? Kara grins to herself as a deep sea diver on the screen makes their way slowly through a greenish-blue ocean. No, Lena would smile that proud smile of hers and tell Kara what a wonderful mother she would make. Would Lena help her? She would. Kara secretly suspects Lena wants to be a mother too. Even if she doesn’t let herself think about it. She probably thinks she’d be bad at it. But if Lena had a kid Kara would be right there to encourage her every step of the way. To tell her what an excellent, perfect mother she would be. To watch her body grow and hold her hand while she gives birth and…

Kara clears her throat. Those are things Lena’s partner would probably do for her though. She might want Kara to be part of it too. And she might not.

Not for the first time, she wonders if the intense way she attaches to the people in her life, and especially Lena, is a uniquely Kryptonian thing. She needs to ask someone, the next time she’s on Argo. It doesn’t seem strictly “normal,” from a platonic, human perspective, to be projecting an entire future with her best friend like this. She sighs, and her sigh is a bittersweet, complicated thing. Because yeah: she’s different. And mostly has no barometer for whether her difference is “normal.” Because she’s not human. And, in her heart, not even quite, 100%, Kryptonian. She crosses to the window and gazes out at the glittering city lights. Not for the first time, Kara contemplates the fact that, in so many ways, she is the only one of her kind. And the thought makes her feel a little hollow inside. But Kara’s never been one to cry over spilt milk. She has such a rich life. Full of people who love her. And that’s more than a lot of humans or Kryptonians can say. She smiles to herself. She really is so lucky.

Her phone buzzes. A text from Lena! Contentment bubbles up inside her.

How is babysitting going? Lena asks, Did my goddaughter miss me?

Hi!! Kara responds. Well, she giggled and smiled a lot and now she’s asleep so I figure I did pretty good.

Aw that’s sweet.

And yes we both missed you soooo much!! I told her you were working on a big project. How’s it going, by the way? Still at the lab?

Yes, for another hour or so probably. Just a few more things to try. It’s not going as I’d hoped.

Boo I’m sorry

Thanks. Nothing that hasn’t happened before. I’ll get it eventually. 

Yes you will! You always do!

Then Lena sends an old fashioned, non-emoji smiley face.

:)

It’s very Lena and Kara smiles to herself, crossing to slouch down on the couch.

Did you eat? she asks.

There’s a pause during which she can imagine Lena guiltily checking the time. 

Not yet

Well… are you gonna?

Yes, darling, I know how upset you get when I don’t eat

You need fuel for that big brain of yours!

She can just imagine Lena rolling her eyes at that. And smirking.

Haha ok. Well let me go finish up so I can get out of here at a decent time. What time are you finished there

Hmm Alex and Kelly should be back in an hour. Want me to bring you something?

After some hemming and hawing over how Lena doesn’t want to put Kara out, and “ Really I can take care of myself you know” to which Kara responds, “Hmmm that’s debatable,” Lena finally relents. 

So Kara picks up Lena’s favorite salad and Chinese food for herself, and meets Lena at the building that houses her personal lab; a high-rise office building down the street from her apartment that Lena owns and rents out to various medical practices. Her highly secure lab is in the two level basement and Kara has only seen the inside a few times. 

Should I come down? she texts, when she arrives.

Be right up! is the response.

It’s been a few days since Lena came out to her and Kara is still kind of processing it, to be honest. After the shock wore off she was surprised by how stupid she felt… for not intuitively knowing. For just assuming Lena was straight. For assuming everyone is straight, until proven otherwise. It makes her question whether she’s as attentive to Lena as she thought she was. And casts a lot of Lena’s jokes and innuendos in a different light.

She hasn’t pushed Lena for more info and very much does not want to make her feel uncomfortable or regret telling her. Kara wants to be supportive. But not overbearing. Just like when Alex came out she’s done google searches and speed-read books and brainstormed the best way to be an ally. It’s all pretty practical stuff. Believe bisexuals. Don’t make assumptions. Recognize and challenge biphobia. Be inclusive. Be an advocate. But she can’t help wanting to do more. She leans (carefully) against a pillar as she waits and watches the traffic drive by. A bus stops in front of the building, to let people off, and the advertisement on the side of it catches her eye. It’s for a movie. The same movie Alex and Kelly had gone to. She thinks they said something about queer themes? That would be perfect!

“Kara?” Lena says, approaching from behind.

“Hey!!! Do you wanna go to a movie with me?” she blurts out.

Lena looks at her, wide eyed, and then blinks and smiles.

“Now?!”

“Oh… no. Like, Friday? I guess?”

Kara scratches her head; embarrassed by her over enthusiasm.

“Ehm, sure,” Lena says, with a chuckle, hoisting her bag farther up her shoulder. “You know I’m always up for a movie date.”

They fall into lockstep as they walk toward Lena’s apartment building.

“Do you have anything in particular you want to see?” Lena asks

. . .

The movie turns out to be an adventure-romance and the “queer themes'' turn out to be subtext more than anything else. The featured romance is strictly heterosexual. Kara feels a little bad about that but at least the movie is passably good. The storyline is exciting, if not strictly believable. The heroine is a beautiful tomboy with dark hair and a strong personality. And the hero is Blonde and tan and tall. Kara can’t help but root for them. They’re both so… likable and… hot. She and Lena pass the popcorn (with extra butter) back and forth and elbow each other at unintentionally funny moments. Occasionally Kara throws a piece of popcorn at her to make her laugh. There’s a high impact sex scene, a culmination of all the sexual tension that has built throughout the movie. And, somewhat to her embarrassment, Kara is riveted by it. When the man grabs the woman’s waist and pushes her up against the nearest vertical surface, she can’t help but imagine what it would feel like to have those big, rough hands on her own body. And when he hikes up her skirt and trails insistent fingers up her thighs Kara has the thought that the woman’s thighs must feel so soft and smooth and that, if it were her, she’d like to keep going… reaching up under her skirt… to the tops of her thighs… slipping in between her legs… 

Adrenaline courses through Kara, jolting and acidic. Because what?!

That doesn’t seem like a… strictly hetero thought? She takes a deep breath.

You’re just identifying with the characters, she tells herself. Because you’re not biased. Like a good ally. Because it’s good storytelling. It doesn’t mean anything. Chill.

She can’t help stealing a glance at Lena; suddenly curious as to what her perception of the scene is. Lena looks back, with an eyebrow raised in question. Kara throws a piece of popcorn at her. 

Kara’s always felt a little weird about the fact that, when she fantasizes about sex, usually while touching herself in the privacy of her bed or bathroom, it’s never her and someone else. It’s them. It’s two completely different people. Separate from her. Whatever male -female partnership has captured her interest lately from a tv show or movie. That’s who she fantasizes about. She’s never been sure if this was like… a Kryptonian thing… or a voyeuristic thing. Do other people do this? Or do other people fantasize about doing things themselves? Having things done to them? She’s not sure. It’s always brought her a vague sort of shame for some reason, though not enough to do any extensive googling or anything.

After the movie, they go for a walk and Kara gets ice cream at a self service place. She likes being able to fill her cup with as many different flavors as possible. Lena doesn’t want anything but Kara gets a little of her favorite toppings anyway, just in case. Then they meander through the neighborhood, window shopping and chatting. Kara catches Lena watching her eat and grins to herself. She knew it.

“Wanna bite?” She asks and holds out a spoonful of Lena’s favorite bits.

Lena smirks at her knowingly.

“Reese’s pieces and caramel sauce? How can I say no?” and leans to take the bite, red lips puckering around the spoon. 

Kara walks into a rack of magnets and postcards outside a shop. Her superpowers fail her completely as she tries to hold onto her cup and it’s Lena who saves the day by catching the wrack and righting it, before it hits the ground. Kara blushes as they pick up all the magnets and put the cards back in their little slots.

“I’m sorry,” Lena says sarcastically, looping her arm through Kara’s as they continue on, “Did I just save the day for Supergirl??”

“Ok, ok,” Kara says, good naturedly, elbowing her lightly.

Lena gasps, dramatically. 

“And now you’re using violence on me?! Some thank you.” 

Kara laughs loudly. She loves Lena like this: lighthearted and silly. Eyes crinkling in the corners and eyebrows expressive. 

“What?” Lena asks gently, and Kara realizes she has stopped to stare.

“Oh, sorry,” she says with a chuckle, ducking her head to hide her blush and pulling Lena onward. “First my superpowers fail me and now I can’t even walk while talking.”

Lena is quiet for a bit after that.

————

That night Kara dreams of the movie. One minute she’s in her bed, drifting off to sleep, and the next she’s in Lena’s office. Her old L-Corp office. Everything is white on white on white. The couple from the movie are there, colorful, ruddy and out of place in the sterile office. The strapping, blonde man cups the woman’s face, long fingers splaying on either side of her head and backs her to the desk. She gasps and grips the sides of his weathered blue jeans, digging her fingers in. The back of her legs hit the desk. The back of… Kara’s legs… because it’s her being manhandled onto the desk. With big hands on her waist… and lips on her neck… and then-

“Don’t look away.”

A familiar, smokey voice. Breathed right up against her ear. Lena is here too. Nearby. Kara’s body tingles with anticipation and she raises her head to find Lena. But she’s right here. In front of Kara and standing between her knees. Close and cozy and safe and warm, in this bright, white room. Lena. Her clothes are black and her hair is black and her nails are black and her lips are deep, blood red. Her green eyes are hooded and her hands… are running up Kara’s thighs… taking Kara’s indistinct, beige skirt with them. 

Kara feels confused and… breathless. And unsatisfied. Her hands and her body are itching for… something. She pushes Lena back by the shoulders and then pushes her down onto the couch and then climbs on top of her. Legs on either side of Lena’s body. Lena, whose eyes are pale and shining. Lena, who stares up at her from the white couch like an unearthly china doll. Kara reaches out a trembling hand, places her thumb on Lena’s blood, red lips and smears her lipstick across her white cheek. Lena’s eyes drop closed.

——

Kara wakes with a start, sweaty and shaking. Holy hell. That dream was… a LOT. Like… what the fuck. The heartbeat is pounding in her ears. But it’s the middle of the night and she’s barely awake. She doesn’t want to process this. Not right now. She’s wet and needy and it’s probably just from that movie sex scene anyway. Her hand slides down under her waistband. God, she’s so turned on it’s crazy. Might as well get an orgasm out of it. Her fingers slip between her legs… between her shockingly wet lips… to her swollen clit. And it doesn’t matter why. It doesn’t matter why she’s right on the edge. She thinks of the movie characters. Of big, rough hands. As she gasps and spreads her thighs. Of smooth, soft skin against her palms. As she circles and circles, with a groan. Of silken wetness on her fingers. Her own… someone else’s… it doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter

Her back arches suddenly as she comes, with a high, breathy moan that surprises her. And at the peak of the wave, as she falls sideways and rolls partially to her stomach, a sense memory of dark lipstick on pale skin blooms across her closed eyelids. Her body shudders as a deep and final shock of pleasure rolls through her. And it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter why. Because it’s too good. It’s too good. It’s so, so good.

Chapter Text

It’s quiet and peaceful. There was a heavy rain all night long that dampened the sound. Lena always feels most grounded when it rains. As the morning has worn on it’s lightened to a drizzle. Soft, diffuse light filters into the unlit room, through the floor to ceiling  windows.

Lena is seated at her coffee table on a cushion, her favorite cozy blanket wrapped around her; a hand-woven, wool afghan that was a gift from her mentor, Florence. Her mother’s friend.

“Purple was your mother’s favorite,” she had said with a twinkle in her eyes, when she handed it to Lena.

In front of her are an ornate bowl of water with herbs soaking in it, a lit candle and her mother’s book. Lena stares into the still, steady flame. Relaxing her body. Relaxing her mind. She’s been steadily honing her magic over the past year. Studying and meditating and training remotely with her mentor, back in Ireland. It’s been challenging. Lena has always thought of herself as a calculating, cerebral, methodical person. A scientist. 

Intellect. 

Logic. 

Strategy. 

These were the things valued in the family who raised her. It was made very clear, early on, that the ocean of wild, messy emotion in Lena was… Childish. Humiliating. Something to be hidden and denied at all costs. Her magical nature had been dampened through wards and denial. Hidden from her so that she could be crafted into “the perfect Luthor.” As a result she had become adept at cutting herself into pieces. And pretending entire parts of her did not exist.

She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. Learning to trust her intuition. Her heart. Has been hard. 

“Magic is in your heart,” Florence tells her. “It’s in your body, Lena. Your blood. Your bones . You can’t think your way into it. You have to feel it.”

Lena pictures the flame in her mind, feeling the warmth that radiates from it. Noticing precisely where the edge of the flame begins to bleed into darkness. It grows and swells until it fills her entire field of vision, becoming green at the edges. Any sense of the room around her begins to fade. In her mind she takes the fire into her heart. And allows it to illuminate what’s there. She knows the flame is taking root when her blood begins to hum. It really is an intoxicating feeling; Primal and powerful. It’s: blood pumping, water quenching thirst and the first spark of desire. It’s: leaves unfurling and roots weaving downward and the rich smell of healthy soil. She has to remind herself to breathe, something that’s been happening more and more, as her skin tingles and crackles with delicious power. It fills her lungs and calls her deeper. Almost like… voices. Whispering.

“The ancestors,” Florence would say. 

Beckoning her. Supporting her efforts. 

Into the light and the feeling of oneness she whispers her wordless question.

Will I ever stop feeling so much? Will the ache ever fade? Will I ever be whole?

The voices whisper to each other. Whisper to her. But she can’t understand it. She feels their hands at her back. Supporting her. She’s not alone.

Please, she thinks. Sometimes it’s unbearable.

Her phone alarm sounds. A jarring, electronic sound. The trance begins to fade and she blinks her eyes open. The flame is just a flame. The room is just a room. She is alone.

Out, she thinks. 

The flame goes out.

——————-

Kara’s work outfits have come a long way. Over time her nerdy sweaters and khakis have given way to chic, fitted dresses and well tailored suits. Lena actually really misses the preppy little A-line skirts, bouncy ponytails and starched collars poking out of cheap cardigans. But while Kara’s cute librarian look had honestly always really done it for Lena, she has to admit, as she discreetly gawks at Kara’s ass, she doesn’t hate the new look. 

Lena had stopped by Catco to pick Kara up for a quick lunch, as is their usual routine on Tuesdays. Kara’s been a little off, over the past week or so. Ever since they went to that movie together. Lena can’t put her finger on exactly what it is. It makes her nervous though. She’s been so busy getting started on her red light project. Her secret red light project. There’s still so far to go. But as soon as the next batch of parts she ordered comes in she will really be able to buckle down.

She found Kara in her big glass office, the one that used to be Lena’s, wrapping up a staff meeting. A handful of people were gathered around the desk Kara was leaning back against, as others filtered out, and for a moment Lena just watched. The warm but authoritative way Kara issued instructions and requested feedback elicited equal measures of respect and affection in Lena. In these moments she seemed to truly be a mix of Supergirl, Kara Zor-El and Kara Danvers.

Before long Kara noticed Lena standing there and waved her over with a smile. 

“Lena!” she called, taking the small packet of papers her assistant handed her. 

“I’m ready! Just give me one… sec to sign… these,” she said, leaning over the desk with a pen in hand and rifling through the papers.

That had been Lena’s downfall.

Kara has her thick, golden hair pulled back into a sleek bun and the fitted, rose colored dress she’s wearing hugs her figure like a glove, somehow making her blue eyes pop even more. And the position of her body leaning over like this emphasizes all her curves in a truly mesmerizing way. For a fleeting moment Lena imagines pressing her heated face into the curve of Kara’s waist, skin against skin, and gently biting . 

Hot shame courses through her and she glances away. 

Friends don’t imagine biting their friends’ naked bodies, she chastises, inwardly.

Over the years Lena’s gotten better at managing her feelings for Kara. She’s come to accept the situation for what it is and is grateful to have even that. But it doesn’t mean she doesn’t occasionally slip up.

The important thing is to not get bogged down in shame but just get back on track right away, she tells herself. 

And, she thinks, glancing up to see Kara flash a warm smile at her as she grabs for her jacket and handbag, maybe it would be a good idea for her to reach out to that dating service after all. To at least blow off some steam.

————

When Lena gets back to her office she digs through her Rolodex of business cards until she finds the one she’s looking for. She stares at it. Puts it back. Opens her computer and returns to the patent document she had been reviewing before lunch. A few seconds in she sighs sharply and digs the card back out. She picks up her phone. And just stares at it. For many minutes, apparently, because a random news alert popping up on her screen pulls her back into the present. 

She rolls her eyes at herself and murmurs, “Com’mon Lena.” 

She dials the number on the card and, while it’s ringing, takes a deep breath. Clears her throat. Stuffs down the ache in her chest.

This is what moving on looks like. This is how you keep the friendship, she reminds herself.

The call goes through and a smooth voice answers, “Jennifer Alvarez.”

“Jenny!” Lena says, voice strong and confident. “It’s… Lena Luthor.”

She can almost hear Jenny begin to smile through the phone. It’s nice to be appreciated. It gives her the confidence to pour a little flirtatiousness into her voice. 

“I’m less… busy… than I was when we met.”

“Oh?” Jenny murmurs, clearly pleased.

“Are you still interested in dinner?” Lena asks.

Chapter Text

Kara shoves another huge section of pizza into her mouth and begins to chew. Alex watches her skeptically, dangling a half empty beer bottle from her fingers by the neck. Her bare feet are thrown up over the side of the armchair. 

“Not that I’m not happy to see you, Kara,” she says, watching Kara closely as she swallows her bite and then takes another. “But what prompted this visit?”

“Nuffing,” Kara mumbles through a mouthful, “Juft miffed you!”

“Mhmmm,” Alex deadpans, knowingly, “And don’t talk with food in your mouth.”

Kara swallows. Chastened, she drops the remote next to her on the couch. The tv is still on the menu page.

“Sorry.”

Then she scowls suspiciously.

“And…what?”

Alex’s face softens.

“Just- it’s unusual. For you to pop by unannounced on a week night these days. Is everything ok?”

Kara pauses, pizza halfway to her mouth 

“Oh no!” She exclaims, “Is it a bad time? Do you want me to leave?” 

It suddenly occurs to her that she may be inconveniencing Alex, and Kelly, who is putting Esme to bed in the next room.

“No,” Alex chuckles, “you’re always welcome. Just wanna be sure you’re ok. Usually you’d be with Lena on a night you have extra time.”

Alex sees something in Kara’s face before she can even answer.

“Oh no, what happened? Did you two have a fight?”

“What!? No, we didn’t have a fight. We just- I talked her into trying to date again and… she is! She’s on a date.”

Kara takes another, smaller, bite and picks up the remote. She can feel Alex’s eyes on her.

“I’m-“ she says, through a mouthful of food, “so happy for her.”

“Ooo you brought pizza!” Kelly says, breezing into the room. “Hey sweetie.”

She kisses the top of Kara’s head and grabs herself a slice. 

Then, plopping down next to Kara, Kelly asks, “Where’s Lena?”

Alex says, “On a date,” at the same time Kara says, “Why do you ask?”

Kelly blinks at them, pizza slice frozen an inch from her mouth.

“Um. Oh, I just mean,” she says gently, setting her slice back down, “that you two are usually together these days. I figured this,” she gestures casually between the three of them, “was a double d-“ 

Kelly cuts herself off suddenly and glances at Alex. 

Kara blinks at her. She feels so odd today. She feels so odd right now, at this very moment. It’s almost like she’s moving a mile a minute and there’s something major that she’s forgetting but there’s just no time to sit and sort it out. It doesn’t make sense. Today wasn’t that busy. Pretty normal actually. She had a good morning at work, got a lot done… and then Lena called to catch up and they had a perfectly nice chat… and Lena told Kara that she was going on a date tonight and that’s great. Lena’s dating again and Kara’s so happy for her and here she is, getting some extra sister time in and both she and Lena are doing so well.

Kara takes a deep breath, smiles in a very chill and relaxed way and very casually says, “Oh. No, Alex’s right. Lena’s on a date.”

When Lena had called Kara this morning they had a lovely chat about what they were up to and a cute dog Kara had seen and Lena’s annoying neighbor. Kara had been about to say goodbye when Lena said, “Kara, I wanted to let you know…” 

“What?”

“I’m going on a date tonight.”

Kara had frozen, inexplicably. 

When she didn’t respond Lena murmured, “Kara?”

“Oh! Uh, that’s great! That’s fast! I mean, we just talked about it a couple weeks ago… but you’re doing it! Now!”

Enthusiastic. Kara felt very enthusiastic. This was really, very amazingly good! Lena didn’t respond so she rushed to fill the silence.

“Congratulations! You’re doing it!” 

Another delay and then Lena finally said, “Thanks,” so very softly. “Yeah- I… I just figured, you were right. When you said I should date. I thought about it and realized. You were right.”

“It’s- I-“ Kara stuttered.

Was she talking too loudly? She tried again.

“What’s his- her- their name?”

Kara cringed at her own awkwardness. God she was SO glad this was a phone conversation and not in person. She had an arm wrapped around her middle and was nodding emphatically even though no one could see her. She forced herself to stop nodding.

“Oh,” Lena responded.

Very casually.

“Remember that woman from the fundraiser? Jenny?”

A shockingly clear image of the gorgeous, elegant woman in the slinky dress had instantly flashed through Kara’s mind. A memory of Jenny’s hand at Lena’s waist. Of her firm, almost territorial handshake.

“Oh,” she responded, “Jenny! Yes! That’s… that’s great Lena, I’m so happy for you!”

Lena didn’t even need the dating service. Of course she didn’t.

Lena chuckled softly.

“Well it’s just one date Kara, we’ll see how it goes.”

Embarrassed, Kara had responded, “Yeah. Of course. I guess I’m just… happy. You’re doing it!”

“Yeah,” Lena said in a hard to pinpoint, warm-cool tone, “You said. I- I’m happy too. To be… trying, anyway . ”

Then Lena had laughed a self-depreciating little laugh. 

“Um,” she continued, “I wanted to give you the heads up though darling because... Tonight probably isn’t a good night for a drop-in. You know… just inca-“

Kara felt suddenly desperate for Lena not to finish that sentence. 

“Oh! Of course! Y-yeah, message received. No problem. Will not stop by. Got it.”

Then she bit her lips closed to keep from babbling. Seriously, what the heck was wrong with her? 

They hung up shortly afterwards and Kara had gone about her day in an absolutely normal way because everything was absolutely normal. And then she flew home and took all of the junk out of her junk drawer and all of her toiletry and makeup samples out from under her sink and all of her Tupperware with mismatched lids out of her cabinets because tonight was a great night to get organized. But she couldn’t figure out what to do with all the random instruction manuals and couldn’t decide whether to keep the lids that had no matches and couldn’t decide whether the contouring cream sample she's had for 2 years might still come in handy one day so she abandoned the whole thing and went to buy pizza. Then she ended up here, at Alex’s.

Now, Kelly is looking at Kara so kindly and Alex is looking at her like she’s doing complicated math equations in her head and Lena is on her date. Kara glances, in a very chill and casual way, at the clock on the wall. It’s 8:15. They’re probably at dinner. Probably somewhere nice. It irks Kara that she doesn’t know what restaurant they’re at. Maybe she should have done a background check on Jenny. So many people have tried to kill Lena. Could Jenny be another one? Rao, she should have asked what restaurant they were at! Maybe she could fly around and check all Lena’s favorite places really quick. Would that be overkill?

“Kara?” Alex is saying, sliding her feet onto the floor and sitting forward in her chair. “Talk to me.”

At the worry in her voice Kara looks up sharply. She had been biting her thumbnail. She drops her hand to her lap. There’s a gentle hand on her knee. Kelly’s. Stilling her anxiously bouncing leg. 

“You know,” Kelly begins carefully, “It would be understandable if you felt a little weird about Lena dating again.”

Kara stares at her.

“Friendship is a lot more important than our culture recognizes. Lena’s a really important part of your life so the thought of sharing her could be-“

“I don’t feel weird,” Kara says. “I’m ha-“

“Happy for her, yeah we know,” Alex interrupts, not unkindly. “Kara-“

Alex cuts herself off and then she and Kelly have an entire conversation with facial expressions only. 

Kelly’s face says “Alex,” in a warning tone and Alex’s face says “What else am I supposed to do!?” Then Kelly’s face says, “It’s not a good idea,” and Alex’s says, “I’m gonna do it.”

“Guys,” Kara says.

Alex rips her eyes away from Kelly and then rips off the rhetorical bandaid. 

“Kara, have you ever considered that-“

“Alex,” Kelly says, more sharply.

“What!? She should consider it!”

Annoyed that they are talking about her while she’s right here Kara asks, “Consider what!?”

Kelly sighs and presses her lips together. Alex blurts something out in one breath but Kara’s brain can’t quite absorb it immediately. With a delay, the words take shape in her mind.

That your feelings

For Lena

Could be more than just friendship.

Kara’s face feels blazing hot. Her ears begin to ring.

Feelings

More than

Friendship 

“What?” she practically whispers.

“It’s ok to be just friends,” Alex stresses, gesturing in a placating way. “But it’s also ok to-“

“I don’t have feelings for Lena,” Kara splutters, feeling an odd rushing sensation in her head. “Sure, we’re… we’re close, b-but that doesn’t mean- not everything has to be about- just because you’re-“

“Kara,” Kelly gently interrupts, “You don’t owe us, or anyone,” she casts a meaningful glance at Alex, “an explanation for your feelings-“

“I don’t have feelings for Lena!” Kara exclaims, outraged. 

How dare they do this!? Imply that her perfectly reasonable concern for Lena’s safety and well-being and, sure, fine, her mild jealousy, means she’s being irrational because she… what? Is in love with Lena!? I mean of course she loves Lena. A-and she’s sort of in love with her as a friend. But that’s not- 

“Women can be close friends a-and… spend most of their time together and it’s just platonic!” She says, rising to her feet.

“And- and, sure, Lena’s on a date with a woman, because she’s bisexual… apparently… but that doesn’t mean I’m jealous… about that…”

Alex and Kelly’s eyebrows raise so high, so simultaneously, that Kara has the briefly hysterical thought that their eyebrows will float right off their faces. Kara’s whole body is tense.

“Friendship is extremely important, like Kelly said, maybe even more important than romantic relationships. Sometimes. Studies have shown that.”

This last part may not be quite right. But she’s pretty sure she did at least see a headline once.

Alex’s raised eyebrows are starting to look very skeptical and Kelly’s wide eyes are concerned. They’re talking. Trying to calm her down. But their voices are just soft background noise. She backs toward the window. Alex runs after her and grabs her arm.

“Kara! Just- just hold on a minute!”

“No!” Kara spits, jerking her arm away. “Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean everyone else is.”

“That’s not-“

“And I’m fine by the way!” 

Kara is starting to suspect that she’s not quite making sense. She’s so- so angry or… or maybe scared? She’s something, that’s for sure. She yanks the window open and bursts through it into the cool night air. Taking relief in the quiet and solitude of high altitudes.

She doesn’t go looking for Lena. Because she’s a very normally attached, platonic friend and Lena can take care of herself. Instead she goes home and watches a baking show that happens to be on, giving it her full and dedicated attention until she finally can’t stand it anymore and presses the mute button. She curls up on her side and stares at the bright tv till it becomes nothing more than abstract, flashing shapes.

———

Kara dreams of Lena waking her, gently pulling her from the couch. But it’s not her couch. It’s her bed back on Krypton.

“Com'on,” Lena says gently, green eyes sparkling and intense. “Let’s get you home.”

Lena twines her fingers into Kara’s and leads her away. 

“Ok,” Kara mumbles.

It feels good; being led by the hand like this. By Lena. So right. Kara isn’t sure what home is, exactly, but with Lena she feels safe. Home can be wherever Lena says it is.

They walk through a hazy blur of shapes and she’s so tired. Kara’s legs feel heavy. Lena’s arm is around her waist and Kara’s arm is slung over Lena’s shoulders. She’s so strong , supporting most of Kara’s weight as she leads her to their destination. Then Lena is slowly laying her down on a comfortable surface and adjusting something above her. Warm, yellow light shines down upon Kara in healing, soothing rays. She feels so sleepy. So cozy. It’s the cot at the DEO, where Kara has spent so many hours under the sunlamps, recuperating from various injuries. Just beyond the light Lena is shadowy and hard to see. But she’s there. Kara’s sure she is. She can feel Lena’s cool hand in her own. 

“I want to be something that’s good for you,” Lena’s voice says, throaty and low, winding its way into Kara’s mind.

“You are,” Kara reassures, drowsily. “You always are.”

And Kara can feel Lena’s happiness. As if it’s her own. Can see Lena’s smile with her heart, but not her eyes. Warmth suffuses her chest and she drifts off into deeper sleep. And dreams that she won’t remember in the morning.

Chapter Text

Lena’s first date with Jenny had been good. They had started with drinks at a lovely restaurant with an upscale bar where the soft lighting had made Jenny’s caramel skin look like velvet. Based on previous experience, Lena had decided to bite the bullet right away.

“Well it’s my turn to be blunt,” she’d said, running her fingers along the side of her crystal glass, “I find women very attractive. And I like to date them. Have relationships with them, etcetera .”

Kara

Jenny grinned, amused. 

“Yeah, I assumed,” she chuckled, watching Lena from under her lashes.

“But I also find men attractive. Sometimes,” Lena continued, watching Jenny carefully for a reaction. “And have been known to date them as well.”

She let it sit for a moment, taking what she hoped was a casual sip (gulp) of her scotch.

Then, “Do you have thoughts on that?” she asked, as blasé as she could manage.

Jenny watched her for a long moment.

“No thoughts,” she said softly. “Thank you for sharing.”

Lena’s shoulders relaxed.

“In that case,” she said, with an authentic smile, “How do you feel about having dinner here?”

They had been seated, immediately, at a private table, in spite of having no reservations. Lena secretly suspected the management had recognized her when she came in and kept it available just in case. It’s not something she usually expects, just something that seems to happen as a result of her money and reputation. Jenny had grinned that slightly suggestive grin of hers across the pristine china and silver as they swapped stories about fucked up families, high-pressure jobs and passion projects. The food was excellent. Jenny is a good conversationalist. And an interesting person. She’s quite successful in her industry after working her way up from an entry level job. It’s a path to success that Lena, who was handed the resources and connections to be successful, always admires immensely. Of course Lena couldn't help but think of Kara, and how impressive she is in every way. But no one else in the universe will ever be like Kara, Lena reminds herself. So it’s unfair to compare.

“Well, don’t be too impressed with me,” Jenny said, during after dinner drinks. “Honestly, a lot of it was luck. Having the right mentors… right place, right time… that kind of thing. A lot of women with my background work just as hard and don’t make it. That’s why I’m passionate about mentoring and hiring a diverse staff.”

Lena smirked.

“Spoken like a truly successful woman!” she teased, raising an eyebrow, “Underselling all your hard work and accomplishments!”

Jenny threw her head back and laughed, sending the soft waves of her hair flying in a lovely, carefree way. 

“Touché,” she smirked, and clinked her glass with Lena’s.

Lena felt… happy. Amused. Intrigued. It was nice. Not as nice as spending time with Kara, obviously, but really and truly a lot more pleasant than dating has been in a long while.

Don’t think about Kara, she reminded herself. You have to move on.

Then, Jenny put her hand on the inside of Lena’s knee, sending heat radiating up her thigh, straight to her clit. 

“Anyway,” she murmured, leaning in close enough that Lena could smell her perfume and hear her earrings clink, “Enough business talk.”

By the time they stumbled through the front door of Jenny’s apartment, lips sliding in a messy, unending kiss and hands groping, desire and need were almost all Lena could think about. She needed this. God , she needed this. It had been so long. Too long. And then Jenny was pressing her up against the entry table, spreading her legs and within minutes driving Lena right over the edge of her first orgasm with a knee between her thighs and fingers on her clit. Lena gripped the edge of the table and held on for the ride as white hot pleasure rolled through her like a wave, leaving relief and gratefulness in its wake. Jenny dropped to her knees, taking Lena’s underwear with her, but Lena hoisted her right back up by her dress straps, backed her to the nearest couch and all but ripped her clothes off to finally get her hands all over those curves. Jenny moaned and kicked her underwear off in enthusiastic agreement. Then Lena mapped the swells and folds of Jenny’s body in a way that was almost frenzied, driven by hunger and a desperate need to keep her mind empty. Thoughts and emotions would not help her here, she knew, instinctively. So she pushed them far away and sucked a mark into Jenny’s soft hip while her fingers wandered south.

By the time they were well and truly spent, naked and panting on Jenny’s bed, Lena’s body was humming with a lovely, content, exhausted feeling. The sex hadn’t been mind blowing or amazing at every turn, but it had been very good, for the most part. Better than a lot of partners she’s had. But when Jenny moved to wrap an arm around her and pull Lena into a sleepy embrace, Lena balked.

“I should get going,” she murmured, brushing some hair off of Jenny’s glistening forehead.

She really had worked very hard. Jenny watched her carefully for a moment and then, smiling sleepily, began to get up.

“Ok, I’ll walk you out.”

“No, no,” Lena said softly, gently pushing her back down. “You rest. I’ll lock the door behind myself.”

Jenny stretched languidly on the bed, curves shifting in a tantalizing way. 

“Ok,” she smiled, and pulled a sheet up over her chest. 

Lena found the few clothing items that had made it to Jenny’s room and dressed quickly.

“I had fun,” Jenny whispered into the dark.

Lena smiled softly. Something was tugging at the edges of her consciousness. A small something- dissatisfied and empty. 

“I did too,” she said, leaning to kiss her, chastely, on the lips. “I’ll call you?”

“I look forward to it,” Jenny murmured.

When Lena had finally made it home it was 2am. She half expected to find Kara asleep on her couch or leaning on the balcony. But the penthouse was silent and dark. An exhausted emptiness settled deep into Lena’s bones. After a quick shower, she collapsed, naked, into the safety of her familiar bed and drifted off to the memory of strong, lean arms wrapped around her, holding her close.

In her dreams Lena was in that beautiful space just between sleep and awake. Muscles relaxed, blood humming pleasantly. It almost felt like. Arousal. There was a thigh pressed up tight between her own. Muscular and hard. Unmoving. Someone sleeping behind her. Pressed to her back. Wet heat radiated through her body, solidifying in her pelvis, growing condensed and unbearable between her legs. She ground down with a sigh. A hand slid up over her ribs and cupped her breast, then squeezed. In the way of dreams Lena was right at the edge of a climax. About to tip over, just from this. Kara’s scent surrounded her and then she was on her back, a blonde head between her thighs. And in the way of dreams the orgasm didn’t quite come. The dream-time fast forwarded to Lena pressing Kara’s hips tightly to the bed, lowering her face to an indistinct place of wet, warm magic that she couldn’t quite see. Kara spread her legs wiiiiide and moaned, gripping Lena’s hair roughly at the nape and tugging to tilt Lena’s mouth in even deeper. Lena whimpered helplessly. Lost. And there was more. She’s pretty sure there was more but when she woke Lena only had scraps of images and vivid snippets of sense memory left. And hot, hopeless shame to burn her cheeks.

. . .

Kara is so very encouraging of Lena’s dating that it actually kind of hurts. She’s so happily accommodating when Lena has plans with Jenny and so enthusiastic when Lena so much as mentions Jenny. After Lena’s first date with Jenny, Kara politely inquires about how it went and Lena gives her a high-level overview, excluding the sex. It feels a little weird. Like a formality? Like Kara doesn’t really want to know and Lena doesn't really want to tell her but they both have agreed to pretend they’re so, so happy about it. They quickly move on to other topics. Lena knows, on a cellular level, that “moving on” is the only way. It’s the only way to move forward, given her impossible-to-ignore, permanent feelings for Kara. She has to pursue romance and sex with other people. She simply has to. It’s the only way she knows of to keep what she has with Kara strictly in the realm of the platonic. Which is the only place that she and Kara can exist.

Lena had thought she might date around a bit. But things with Jenny go well enough that she never quite gets around to it. Lena likes spending time with her. They have similar goals and similar tastes in culture and fashion. They have a mutual understanding that their work comes first and Jenny doesn’t seem to get hurt when Lena buries her head in a project or has other social plans with her friends. It’s still new, of course, but it’s easy and drama free. And there’s lots of sex, so that’s great. They haven’t defined anything explicitly and neither seems in a hurry to. Lena certainly isn’t. It’s nice. Not as nice as spending time with Kara of course. Laughing till her face hurts and being made to watch ridiculously cheesy movies and eat ridiculously unhealthy food. Being dragged to karaoke nights, and even cajoled into singing along sometimes. 

And watching Kara sing… as if her beautiful voice is threading itself directly into Lena’s soul… as time stands still… and it feels like every slow song is just for Lena…

But anyway, yeah. Things with Jenny are going well. This is what moving on feels like, anyway, right? It’ll take time for her feelings for Jenny to grow and for her feelings for Kara to recede.

It just takes time , she tells herself.

It’s a couple weeks before National City’s annual charity gala at the art museum arrives, and Lena is at Kara’s apartment, having stopped by before work to drop off some clothes Kara left at her place a while back, freshly washed and folded by the laundry service in Lena’s building. Kara takes the small pile gratefully from her with an innocent side hug and carries them off to her room, all the while chatting about the reality tv show she had watched the night before. Lena’s stomach growls so she walks to Kara’s refrigerator and digs out a bag of fresh, green grapes that she had personally washed and air dried a couple days ago. She pops one in her mouth and relishes the sweet, juicy explosion of the grape bursting between her teeth. 

Kara says something she can’t quite make out from where she is.

“What?” Lena calls.

“What are you wearing?” Kara says distractedly, bustling back into the room where she begins packing up her work bag. 

“Where?” Lena says, munching on another grape and enjoying the sight of Kara… distracted and fumbling for her coffee cup while checking the weather on her phone… wearing fitted, high-waisted trousers and a sleeveless blouse that shows off her arms…

“To the gala,” Kara says, like it’s obvious, glancing up curiously.

Adrenaline rockets through Lena.

“Shoot-“ Kara murmurs, grasping her bare wrist. “My watch.”

She whirls and heads back toward her curtained off bedroom. 

Lena takes a deep breath. Right. The gala. It’s not that she’s forgotten. It’s just that she hadn’t been able to figure out the right way to talk to Kara about it. The faint sound of rustling emanates from the bedroom.

“I was thinking I’d wear either my navy suit… the nice one,” Kara calls out, “Or that black cocktail dress…”

Lena swallows against the mental image of Kara in either of those outfits.

“But I could wear something else if you-“ there’s a thud and a muffled curse, and then Kara’s voice grows louder as she comes back into the room.

“…If you want to coordinate again,” she finishes with a small smile, fastening her watch onto her wrist.

Lena licks her lips.

“Kara, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about the gala.”

Something in her voice makes Kara pause her bustling movement and look up. Her expression grows concerned.

“What’s up?”

“It’s just,” Lena says, trying for a reassuring smile, “I was thinking of taking Jenny.”

Kara blinks at her. 

“Oh,” she says, “Uh-“

“I’m sorry,” Lena stammers, “I know we usually go to events like these together… But we talked about me trying to date more a-and-“

Kara is nodding very enthusiastically. She looks down, suddenly very interested in rearranging the bag she’s already packed.

“No, of course. Yeah Lena that’s good! I totally understand!”

“Kara, are you sure?” Lena says, squeezing her hands together, “I don’t have to take her, if you-”

“No,” Kara says, stilling her hands and raising her gaze to Lena again, “You should definitely take her. I’m sorry for assuming…”

They stare at each other. Kara smiles reassuringly.

“Oh, ok. Good,” Lena says softly, throat feeling tight.

“And- I’m going anyway so, I'll see you there. It will be good to meet her!” Kara says, voice strained. “Er- see her again.”

She’s gripping her work bag tightly by the handles. She nods silently as if to punctuate her statement.

“Thanks,” Lena says softly. “I mean, you know- it’s not that serious but… I’m trying.”

Like you wanted me to , she thinks.

Kara’s still nodding and can’t seem to quite meet Lena’s eyes once again. Her heart squeezes at the tense little hunch to Kara’s shoulders.

“Yeah. Yeah, good!”

Lena tries for her own bright smile.

“You should bring someone too! Alex, or Kelly… I bet Nia would love a chance to get dressed up…”

“Uhhh, yeah!” Kara agrees, brightly, “Good idea!”

“Good.”

“Great.”

Chapter Text

When Kara had suggested that Lena date, she had meant: Re-enter the dating pool. Go on casual dates. Like… occasionally. With lots of different people. “Get laid.” Whatever. And, yeah, sure, maybe begin to date someone more seriously. Eventually. In a slow, methodical and reasonable way that gives Kara plenty of time to adjust. What she had not meant was: start seriously dating one person, and only one person, immediately. One beautiful, successful, funny, interesting, perfect person. Immediately. It’s fine, of course. Good, even. Kara wants Lena to be happy and Jenny seems to make her happy. But it’s been a lot to get used to. And now she’s having these dreams all the time. 

Kara has always had dreams about Lena. Dreams of the normal, run-of-the-mill variety. Except when they weren’t. She looked it up once and learned that having the occasional (eh-hem) quasi-sexual dream about platonic friends is normal. The problem is they are getting less occasional and more memorable. It used to be that she would remember an odd hazy, snippet of some bizarre dream about Lena stepping on her, or Kara feeding Lena grapes, at some point in her day and think, “Huh. That’s weird.” But now she wakes in the morning, or even the middle of the night, at least once a week with vivid memories of dreams that make her cheeks burn with shame. A few days ago she dreamt that she and Lena were snuggled up in bed, face to face, just breathing each other in. Lena wrapped an arm around her and pulled her closer and closer until Kara was gratefully accepting Lena’s thigh between her own. She began to grind down on it, as if unable to help herself, feeling delicious waves of pleasure radiating down, down, toward the point of contact. 

“That’s right. That’s right darling,” Lena had murmured, “I’ll always be here for you,” as Kara chased her pleasure.

Suddenly, Kara had looked up to find an assortment of her friends and coworkers watching her, faces skeptical and judgmental. She woke with a start, embarrassed and confused. And unsatisfied.

The gala is, frankly, a bummer. The dress she picked is too tight and her shoes are pinching and through some horrendous streak of bad luck she runs into all the most annoying people and ends up having to talk to each one for ages. An advertising executive at least two decades older than her puts his hand on her lower back and a very beige young man, who tells her he works in “the finance space,” gives her his card with a smarmy, “I know I’m only human, but… I think we could have a lot of fun.”

And, unlike usual, there’s no clever, red-lipped smirk or knowing wink from Lena to keep her going. No unspoken promise that, We’ll bitch and laugh about it later. At least Nia is there to keep her company. She makes a valiant effort at lightening the mood; making jokes and bringing Kara champagne while she’s being grilled by the most up-tight Catco board member. It doesn’t help that every other person Kara talks to asks after Lena or asks where she is. 

“Oh,” Kara says, with a warm smile that feels increasingly more fake, “She’s here somewhere.”

Kara doesn’t even see Lena until halfway through the salad course. She catches a glimpse of her across the room, seated next to Jenny, and it’s just like the last big event all over again. With Kara craning her neck to peer through the crowd for a glimpse of Lena. Talking and smiling, dimples flashing, and totally fine without her. Kara’s chest has such a strange, sinking feeling and she can’t help feeling disappointed with herself. For not being more happy for her friend. Her best friend. She resigns herself to try harder.

“Kara!”

Nia smacks her arm, frustrated.

“Quit ignoring me, weirdo!”

Kara gawks at her. Nia looks stylish and elegant in a satin, copper maxi dress and perfectly executed winged eyeliner that Kara can’t even begin to imagine doing on herself. 

“I’m not ignoring you!” she scream-whispers. “I was just-“

“Checking on Lena? Yeah, I know.”

There’s no point denying it so Kara doesn’t even try.

“Would it be weird if I went over to say hi?”

Nia’s smile is compassionate.

“Don’t worry babe, your platonic life partner won’t forget about you now that she’s dating someone. You’re irreplaceable.”

“Wh- I- We-!” Kara splutters, before finally choking out, “I’m not worried about Lena forgetting about me. I’m just… not sure how to navigate this. I guess.”

She buries her face in her hands. 

“I’m being weird, aren’t I?” 

Kara peeks out between her fingers. Nia’s expression is contemplative, and Kara half expects a gentle probing about the nature of Kara’s feelings for Lena, like with Alex and Kelly. The day after Kara blew up at them, the night of Lena’s first date with Jenny, she felt really bad. She texted Alex to apologize and then met them at a playground to have donuts together and watch Esme play. In the light of day, her explosive reaction to their incorrect suggestion that she may have romantic feelings for Lena felt… over the top.

“I’m sorry for freaking out,” she said. “I know you just wanted to help.”

“I’m sorry too,” Alex said. “The way you think about yourself and your friendships is none of my business, unless you want it to be. I shouldn’t have pushed.”

“We love you honey,” Kelly said with a smile and a side hug.

Now, as she looks at Nia, she inwardly prepares herself to handle it better this time. 

But all Nia says is, “Yeah, maybe a little weird. But I get it. It’s a big adjustment.”

Kara sighs and peers over her shoulder again. Lena is looking right at her, expression open and pleased. It calms Kara’s inner turmoil instantly and she feels some of the tension melt from her body. Then Lena waves, and there’s something a little shy about it. She looks so pretty in her navy blue dress. The neckline is cut in a deep V that’s hard to look away from. Which is a totally platonic thought because Lena is just that beautiful. That even a platonic friend can’t help but notice. As she looks at Lena Kara’s heart glows with warmth and pride and she feels her mouth pull into a broad smile. She waves back. When she turns back around with a relieved sigh Nia is watching her thoughtfully. Now that she’s feeling more relaxed she’s starting to feel bad for neglecting Nia so much.

“Hey,” she says, “Thanks, by the way. For being my date to this thing. It’s just… more fun if you don’t come alone.”

“Aw,” Nia says, touched, “Of course! You know I’m here for you.”

Then her eyes light up. She holds out her phone.

“Now take my picture looking gorgeous and sophisticated so I can send it to Brainy. Oh! And we have to get pictures of you too. Yvette wants to see your dress. She was so jealous she couldn’t come.”

Kara chuckles and takes her phone.

“We’ll you are gorgeous and sophisticated,” she says, as Nia poses with a champagne glass tipped to her lips. “And tell Yvette I’ll bring her next time. I haven’t seen her in ages!”

The rest of the evening goes much like that. It’s not as fun as it would be with Lena. But still ok. They even run into the one and only Cat Grant, who is as enigmatic and riveting as usual. She kisses them on both cheeks and then makes several proclamations about the importance of “making appearances,” “leaving the people wanting more,” and the benefits of “silent retreats in the mountains.” They nod along and then wave goodbye as she disappears in a cloud of expensive perfume.

They hit the dance floor as soon as they can and keep their moves as tame as possible, while still having fun, not wanting to alarm the conservative crowd with their usual campy silliness. Still, it feels good to move her body to music. She should do this more. Suddenly one of her favorite songs comes on, a peppy pop song that Lena always rolls her eyes at. She turns to find Nia dragging Lena through the crowd, flushed and smiling, dark hair streaming around her shoulders. Kara is so overjoyed to see her, that she grabs Lena’s hand and spins her before lowering her into a dip, with a laugh. When they stand up they are giggling and beaming. Lena’s a little tipsy and she throws her arms around Kara’s neck. 

“You look beautiful! You wore your hair down!” she says right into Kara’s ear.

Kara blushes and ducks her head. Being complimented on her appearance by someone as stylish and elegant as Lena always reduces her to a pile of mush.

“Well, you too!” she gushes, “You always look so nice in blue.”

Lena grins brilliantly, dimples deepening. It feels like everything is as it should be. 

And then Lena is glancing to the side and separating from Kara, smile fading, ever so slightly, to say, “Oh! Kara, you remember Jenny?”

Kara turns to find Lena’s date, sleek and stylish and perfectly accessorized. Her cheekbones look like they were handcrafted by a goddess. Kara feels a strange sinking sensation in her chest.

“Yes!” she says, pouring brightness into her voice. “Jenny! Hi!”

Before Jenny can even answer Kara pulls her into a, possibly, overzealous, hug. Because she’s a hugger! And because Jenny is Lena’s date. And Lena is Kara’s best friend. And Kara wants to be on good terms with the woman Lena is dating. But she maybe doesn’t calculate her strength level quite right because Jenny wheezes just a bit and tenses. Kara pulls away guiltily, hoping it wasn’t too noticeable.

“Sorry,” she says, with a glance at Lena, “I’m a hugger.”

“A hug from Supergirl,” Jenny remarks, a little breathlessly. 

Ah. So the cat’s out of the bag.

She follows it with a conspiratorial wink but her tone is difficult to parse when she adds, “It’ll be my new claim to fame.”

“Guys!” Nia whines, cutting in. “Dance with me before all the fast songs are done!”

So they do. They dance, laugh and try not to be too conspicuous for the old, stuffy crowd. Kara tries to ignore Jenny’s effortless grace on the dance floor; subtly drawing Lena into a more one-on-one dance. But she finds her eyes drawn back again and again to the subtle sensuality with which they move together. To Lena’s hand, low on Jenny’s hip. To Jenny’s arms draped casually over Lena’s shoulders… as her hips sway… and she moves closer into Lena’s space and whispers in her ear. And Lena does smile; doesn’t tense or shy away… It’s just that she seems… not quite relaxed. She’s not uncomfortable or tense, Kara would be able to tell. But she’s not quite as carefree and engaged as Kara knows she can be. 

It’s none of your business, Kara tells herself. They probably just need to get to know each other better.

Lena’s hips sway against Jenny in a way that’s hard to look away from. It’s one thing to know Lena’s into women and another to see it in the flesh. To see the way Lena handles a woman; with confidence and ease. It makes Kara feel a sudden need to swallow. And a difficulty in doing so. The tendons in Lena’s neck stretch attractively as she angles her mouth to Jenny’s ear. Kara refuses to listen in. She forces her eyes away and takes Nia's hand with a goofy grin. They laugh and sway, as the song fades into something slow and the crowd starts bleeding off the dance floor. 

“Ugh my feet are killing me,” Nia groans. “I’m gonna go sit down and text Brainy.”

Kara glances in Lena’s direction to find her slow dancing with Jenny now. She doesn’t really feel like dancing anymore either, she decides.

“I’ll come with you,” she tells Nia. 

She sees Lena just one more time, before the night is done. She stops by her table to say goodbye. Lena is sitting all alone,  nursing a glass of champagne with a distant look on her face.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Kara asks, sitting down beside her.

“Kara!” Lena says, brightening. “I was just about to come find you.” 

“Yeah?” Kara asks, with a wistful tilt to her voice that catches her off guard.

Lena’s pale eyes seem to be taking her in, wandering over her hair and face and dress.

“You look so nice tonight darling,” she says again, reaching out to pick a piece of lint off Kara’s shoulder. 

Kara chuckles, feeling her cheeks warm. 

“You already said that,” she teases.

Lena pretends to ponder this with a finger to her chin.

“Can one compliment one’s absolutely incredible best friend too many times? I don’t think so.”

Kara laughs openly. 

“You’re so cheesy! I think maybe I should go tell Jenny what a cheese ball you are,” she says, pretending to get up.

Lena grips her arm and laughs, “No, no! Don’t scare her away just yet.”

As Kara sits back down Lena’s hand slides to her wrist and gently holds it. There’s a beat where it feels like they just sit in each other's gazes and exist. 

Then, “She seems nice,” Kara says, softly. 

Lena smiles. And there’s something a little bittersweet about it. 

“She is,” Lena responds.

Her hand is cool in Kara’s wrist.

“You should bring her to game night next week,” Kara hears herself say.

Lena gazes at her for a beat.

And then, “Yeah, maybe I will.”

Then Jenny is there, holding their coats and asking Lena if she’s ready to leave. They say their polite goodbye’s and hug. And then Lena is squeezing Kara’s hand, eyes so, so green. And then Kara’s watching them walk away, Jenny’s arm looped through Lena’s.

……

Several weeks go by. It feels like Kara is seeing Lena less and less. She says she’s working on a confidential project that is finally showing some promise. Kara wants to take her at her word. But she can’t help wondering, glumly, if Lena is just starting to prefer Jenny’s company to her own. 

“How’s Jenny doing?” Kara asks during a rushed coffee date one afternoon at Lena’s cozy foundation office. 

It’s a warm, beautiful place that feels lightyears from the sterile L-Corp office ever was. They’re seated in the comfy leather arm chairs for a few moments of calm between both of their multiple, work-related storms.

“Oh,” Lena says, contemplating. “Good, I guess. We’ve both been so busy we barely see each other except for-” 

Lena cuts herself off and averts her eyes. Tries to brush off the admission.

“... well, you know,” she finishes lamely, cheeks growing pink. 

Kara swallows. No wonder Lena looks tired. Her stomach does an uncomfortable twist. Maybe the milk in her latte was bad? Then Kara’s phone is ringing. An emergency back at CatCo. 

She hugs Lena tightly. 

She doesn’t say, “I miss you.”

She doesn’t say, “Please don’t stop loving me.”

“See you at Karaoke?” she asks, hopefully. 

“Of course,” Lena says softly.

……..

Kara tries to sort it out. Tries to make sense of it. But her thoughts lead in circles. To admit that she feels jealous, is to admit that she wants more of Lena than is healthy for Lena. More than Kara can ever give back. Isn’t that how they ended up here? Because Lena needs romance. And physicality. And she needs other people for that. Because Kara can’t give her that. 

It's just… that thought doesn’t feel strictly true anymore. Does it? Even if she’s not sure what she means by that.

Chapter Text

When Lena walks into the bar with Jenny, Kara’s heart sinks a little. They look expensive and untouchable in their stylish, spotless clothes and perfect makeup; like movie stars gracing the commoners with their presence. Kara notices Lena is wearing the “power bitch heels” (her words, not Kara’s,) she used to wear all the time. She knows that Lena has a love/hate relationship with those shoes. Will Jenny rub the knots out of her feet later like Kara used to do sometimes? In contrast to Lena and Jenny, Kara can’t help feeling a little shabby in her “Casual Friday” attire. Fashion has never come easily for her although she likes to think her taste has improved over the years. She’s still not accustomed to having more money in her budget for things like a wardrobe. But she’s trying.

It’s Friday, at the end of a demanding week. She and Nia had walked over from CatCo heaving a huge sigh of relief at having met their publishing deadline. J’onn, M’gann, Brainy, and Nia’s roommate Yvette had joined them soon after. By the time Alex and Kelly arrived, having found a babysitter at the last minute, Kara was starting to feel like it was going to be a good night. Of course, she couldn’t help glancing at the door every few minutes as drinks and greasy bar food were ordered and everyone started picking over their song choices. 

And Kara is definitely overjoyed to see Lena, squealing and running to greet her with a hug that sweeps Lena off her feet while Jenny looks on, bemused.

“Jenny!” Kara says, in what she hopes is a cheerful voice, once she sets Lena down, “You came!”

“Yeah!” Jenny says, with a wide smile, “I’m here!”

She gives Jenny a very moderate, non-Super hug and waves them over to the tables. 

Jenny’s a good sport. She doesn’t turn her nose up at the pitchers of cheap beer or the messy chicken wings. Or the drunk man in the cheap suit screaming Bon Jovi into the microphone. She sits next to Lena and makes interesting small talk with the group, asking polite but not invasive questions about their work and sharing a little bit about herself. Kara knows Lena would never betray anyone’s privacy, but Jenny knows Kara is Supergirl and seems to have pieced together that while not everyone at the table is Super, at least some of them are likely more than meets the eye. From across the table Kara watches as she doesn’t blink when J’onn references Mars or when Alex tells a funny story about an alien that almost transformed her into a mushroom back in her DEO days. She doesn’t get all their inside jokes or references but plays it off confidently. She’s likable and fits in well enough. Still, it’s weird to not have as much of Lena’s attention as usual. It’s weird to see Lena gently tap the back of Jenny’s hand with the back of hers, to get her attention. To see her taste Jenny’s drink. To see Jenny’s hand occasionally land on Lena’s thigh, as they’re talking. She hadn’t realized to what extent she and Lena functioned as a couple, within their group dynamic, until Lena was coupling up with someone else. It makes Kara’s chest burn in an uncomfortable way. And she could swear her friends are picking up on it too, if Alex’s furtive glances at Kara and Nia’s outright staring are any indication.

“So Kara,” Jenny says, trying to engage her, “What’s the most memorable thing that you’ve dealt with as Supergirl?”

It’s a well intentioned question. Delivered in a friendly tone. But one that makes Kara stiffen.

“Oh,” she says, forcing a smile, “I uh…” 

She glances down as she tries to collect her thoughts.

The destruction of my planet. The destruction of my original earth. Living half my life thinking my family and everyone I left behind was dead. Almost being killed a hundred times over. The moment I lost all hope in the Phantom Zone. Putting Mon El in that pod. Lena, with pain and rage in her eyes, screaming at me inside the fortress. Lena locking kryptonite missiles on me. And the moment when I thought she might actually pull the trigger. All the deaths I couldn’t prevent. Every person I saved. Losing myself to Red Kryptonite. 

The list goes on and on and on until Lena’s voice interrupts her spiraling thoughts.

“What you should really ask her is ‘What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you as Supergirl?’”

When Kara looks up she has the sense that maybe she had been quiet too long. Alex picks up the ball.

“Oh my god,” she interjects, voice full of laughter, “Kara you have to tell her about that time you…”

Kara misses the rest of the sentence but Alex launches into a story that makes everyone laugh and somehow takes the focus off her, even though it’s about her. She looks to Lena, who smiles softly and winks. Gratefulness fills Kara’s heart as, one by one, her friends take turns telling funny stories about Kara, and even themselves, effectively keeping the focus off her until she regains her footing. Kara gazes around at their smiling faces. There’s not a one of them that doesn’t know, to some extent, the pain and loss she’s endured… that they’ve all endured. In so many ways, they are combat veterans; brothers and sisters in arms. They have each other’s backs. Always. Before long, Kara is able to jump in with her own comments and perspectives (and corrections.)

When it’s time to sing, Yvette is the first to go up on stage, singing Hate on Me by Jill Scott while their group gets progressively more jovial and buzzed. Her voice is powerful, her stage presence is magnetic and Kara finds herself transported to a more light-hearted mood just from watching her. The whole room cheers, claps and whistles when she finishes with a dramatic bow and makes a plug for an open mic night she’ll be performing at next week. Next Alex drags Kelly up on stage to sing I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry before Kelly can lose her nerve. Kelly doesn’t love karaoke but she loves Alex, so she goes along with it. A couple strangers sing, while Brainy explains a new project he’s working on to Kara, and then Nia is pulling her to her feet to sing No Scrubs with her, which she knows Kara can never resist. They try to convince Lena and Jenny to join but Lena waves them off with a smile and Jenny goes to take a work call. Kara and Nia laugh, arm-in-arm as they harmonize and play off each other. They’ve done this before and know every word. No Scrubs is always a crowd favorite and they get a lot of cheers and whistles as they finish. Then it’s Kara’s turn to sing alone. She can’t help finding Lena’s eyes, in the crowd, as the song begins to play. It’s a rendition of Lovely Day by Bill Withers. 

Kara loses herself in the music. Like she always does. 

When I wake up in the morning, love

And the sunlight hurts my eyes

And something without warning, love

Bears heavy on my mind

Sometimes she thinks that singing is the thing that makes her feel the most free, after flying. If she hadn’t made a career in journalism, she might have liked to train professionally.

Then I look at you

And the world's alright with me

Just one look at you

And I know it's gonna be

A lovely day 

The words feel good in her mouth and the sound feels good in her chest, soothing the small burning ache that’s been nagging her lately. It’s a happy song but she’s surprised to find that it’s coming out a little wistful; her voice naturally gravitating to minor, instead of major, keys. A little melancholy. Lena’s eyes are riveted on her, like they always are, shining with pride and appreciation. Lena, who always tells Kara not to stop, when she catches her singing to herself. Lena who says, “I love your voice darling,” so sweetly when Kara sings along to the radio. 

When the day that lies ahead of me

Seems impossible to face

And when someone else instead of me

Always seems to know the way

Lena’s eyes are filled with something vast and magical.

Then I look at you

And the world's alright with me

Just one look at you

And I know it's gonna be

A lovely day 

The bar is silent for a few seconds when Kara finishes singing. It’s as if she’s accidentally cast some sort of introspective spell. But then everyone bursts into wild applause. The loudest yet. Kara knows she has a nice voice. But it’s really more about the joy of singing for her. Still, it’s nice to feel appreciated. When she sits back down Alex makes a sarcastic comment about how Kara always makes everyone else look bad. But she knows it's just a cover for how proud Alex is of her. Then Lena slides her hand across the table to squeeze Kara’s. Her eyes actually look a little glossy, in a way that Kara finds very touching. Jenny’s still on the phone, outside, so Kara slides into her seat, shoulder-to-shoulder with Lena, as they watch Nia sing Power by MILCK. 

“How was your day?” Kara asks.

Lena shrugs.

“Not bad. Had a bunch of meetings. I’m making progress on my project,” she says, eyes sparkling, “So that’s exciting.”

“And you still won’t tell me anything about it?” Kara teases.

Lena mimes locking her lips and throwing the key away. It’s adorable. 

Then Jenny is striding over with an apologetic expression on her face, leaning over the table to say, “Ugh, sorry everyone, there’s a clusterfuck at work. I gotta go do damage control.”

“Oh,” Lena says, frowning up at her, “I’m sorry.”

“Yikes,” Kara says, watching Lena hand Jenny her coat and bag, and begin to gather her own things, “Is everything ok?”

Don’t leave Lena, Kara thinks. Please don’t leave.

“Oh,” Jenny chuckles wryly, “Just- the people who work for me didn’t do what they were supposed to so now I have to go clean up after them.”

“I’ll go with you,” Lena says, starting to get up, and Kara has no choice but to move out of the way.

Jenny sighs and looks at Lena.

“Honestly, maybe I should just go home. I’ll be up for hours.”

“No- don’t be silly!” Lena exclaims, digging through her bag, “Why don’t you just take my key?” 

“You sure?” Jenny asks, with a small smile that’s just for Lena.

“Yeah,” Lena says, with her own shy smile, “I’ll be there in a couple hours and you can let me in.”  

Kara suddenly feels there is entirely too much soft smiling going on. 

Lena pushes the key into Jenny’s palm with a look that makes Kara’s stomach twist all over again. She stares at the key and tries to get her brain to wrap around the bare facts: Lena is giving Jenny her key. Because they were already planning to go home together. Where they’ve been before. And Jenny is going to go there now, and hang out alone as if she is comfortable and at home there. And then Lena will go back there. To Jenny. Where they will… sleep side-by-side in the same bed… maybe touching… or… or…

Kara winces and stops her line of thought. She feels naive and stupid. All she can think is that she might not be the only one with a spare set of keys to Lena’s apartment much longer.

“Ok” Jenny says with a soft smile, kissing Lena right on the lips and then saying her goodbyes.

Things get a lot better after that. The rest of the night goes by in a blur of laughter, warmth and music. When Kara looks back on it later she will remember it in flashes of sense memory: Lena, switching from cheap beer to rum and coke, and growing tipsier and tipsier. The warmth of Lena slouched against Kara’s shoulder, throwing her head back to laugh at a story Nia is telling. And J’onn, belting out Sweet Caroline in a rich baritone, while M’gann beams at him and most of the white people in the bar go wild and sing along. And Kara tickling Lena (who hates that song,) and bumping shoulders with her mercilessly, to tease her about it. Y’vette, sitting on the other side of Lena, pinches the bridge of her nose in distress, and groans, “Martians.” 

And then, joy upon joy, Lena actually sings with her! Kara can count on one hand the amount of times Lena has even sung along, on or off the stage. Which is a shame because Kara likes her smoky, contralto voice quite a lot. Her range is more limited and she’s not confident but she can harmonize well enough. Kara would gladly listen to her sing all day if she could. Kara initially lures her up on stage, giggling and breathless, by requesting Bruce Springsteen’s Dancing in the Dark, which she happens to know Lena secretly loves. 

Then she crosses her fingers, puts on her most convincing smile and pulls Lena to her feet with both hands as the notes begin to play, saying “Please, please, pleeeeaaaase.”

“Ugh! I can’t say no to you when you look at me like that!” Lena exclaims, grimacing in mock annoyance and lets Kara tug her up the stairs to the stage.

“God Kara, how’d you get me up here!?” She says into Kara’s ear just before the lyrics start. “I can’t sing!”

But Kara just beams at her. Lena. All dimples and flushed cheeks. Skin luminescent under the bright stage lights.

“I’ll sing loud,” she says, putting an encouraging arm around her, “Just try to harmonize with me.”

Lena rolls her eyes and the song begins.

I get up in the evening 

And I ain’t got nothin to say

I come home in the morning 

Go to bed feeling the same way

They have to stand close, to share the microphone, with Kara holding it and Lena’s hand over hers. 

Can’t start a fire

Can’t start a fire without a spark

And Lena sings. With her body loose and relaxed and her dimples flashing. With expressiveness and joy and her face only inches away from Kara’s. With one hand around Kara’s waist and the other helping her hold the mic. She harmonizes with Kara as best she can and lets her mistakes roll off, in that unbothered way that puts listeners at ease. She’s utterly charming.

You can’t start a fire

Sitting ‘round cryin’ over a broken heart

This gun’s for hire

Even if we’re just dancing in the dark

Lena’s voice grows stronger, as the song progresses and they both seem to figure out how to sing the notes in a predictable way so that the other can harmonize, within her own vocal range. They sound good together. And they get even better. Gazing into each other's eyes and responding to the crowd, which is going wild.

You can’t start a fire 

Worrying about your little world falling apart

This gun’s for hire

Even if we’re just dancing in the dark

Kara grins ear to ear and soaks in every second of the experience, wondering if it will ever happen this way again: so carefree and joyful.

Even if we’re just dancing in the dark

Lena’s green eyes are open and sparkling and, if only for this moment, all for Kara.

Even if we’re just dancing in the dark

When it’s over they squeeze each other tightly into a hug, laughing and swaying while the crowd cheers loudly and their friends whistle and stomp.

“You did so good!” Kara squeals into Lena’s ear. “I knew you could sing!”

“Lena just laughs, saying, “You just picked the one song I can sing!”

Kara leads her back to the table, hand at the small of her back, where everyone is so proud of Lena for singing that they give her a standing ovation. She laughs and takes a dramatic bow. 

“I got it all on video!” Kelly says, as Alex pulls her toward the door.

“We gotta go!” She says, “We told the babysitter we would be back by 10! Bye! Love you guys!”

They stay another half hour after that, hip-to-hip and arm-to-arm, until the last of their friends is heading out the door. Kara had been prolonging their time as long as possible, ordering Lena cheese fries to soak up all the alcohol and another order of chicken wings for herself. Finally, it’s time though. Lena is texting on her phone. Kara doesn’t ask if it’s Jenny but when she slides her phone into her purse and begins to look around to make sure she has everything Kara’s heart sinks. It was bound to end sometime.

She walks Lena home, giggling and swaying a little and says goodnight at her building door. She listens, like always, to make sure Lena gets upstairs and this time, to her knocking on her own door. She waits to hear the door click open before taking off into the night.

• • • 

It had been a brutal few days. Another disaster claiming civilian lives. Another madman wielding chaos. Hurting people. All with some twisted vendetta against the Superfriends and Supergirl, in particular. Kara had to do her CatCo work remotely, from the DEO, in between meeting with Lena and Brainy about defense weapons. She, J’onn, M’ghan and Nia led separate tactical groups that worked in shifts while Alex pulled all nighters from the DEO command center. Kelly dropped in whenever Esme was in school to bring them food and coax Alex into eating and napping. They were all exhausted. But the criminal mastermind had taken three hostages and time was running out. He had already killed 2 people, before they could stop him, and they were all intent on making sure that didn’t happen again. Seeing Lena at her worktable, in the DEOs engineering room, head down as she, Brainy and their assistants worked on a solution brought a measure of calm to Kara. If Lena was working on this catastrophe, they were sure to succeed. In only hours, she and Brainy had designed and built a small machine that, when placed correctly, would help them hack into the criminal’s system and locate him and his hostages. Now they were frantically placing a few final wires and screws on the device. Kara anxiously paced beside Lena and watched her nimble fingers fly over the bits of metal and plastic. 

“Done,” she said, matter of factly, and sat up straight, scooping up the device and placing it in Kara’s hands. 

Kara took it from her carefully, locking eyes for a moment. Lena’s hands covered both of hers where they wrapped around the cool metal. 

“Be careful, darling,” she said. 

And it felt like she was really saying something else.

“I will,” Kara said, feeling like she meant to say something different.

-

When they found the hostages. They were all already dead. 

-

Now Kara slams the man’s fragile, human body up against the wall of the holding cell. He screams and slides down to the floor. She doesn’t ask him any questions. Just towers over his crumpled body while he laughs maniacally.

“Kill me Supergirl!” he shrieks, insane. “Be the monster I know you are!”

Her eyes burn. She does feel monstrous. And drunk on it. Rao, could she give in just this once? Would it be so bad?

There’s a gentle hand on her arm.

“Kara.”

She whirls. Lena is standing beside her, concern etched onto her pretty face. Behind her is their whole team. They’ve been trying to get Kara’s attention for a while, she realizes. She can see the orange reflection of her burning eyes in the tear film of Lena’s pale ones.

“You did your best,” Lena says. “Let’s take a break, yeah?” Shaky and disoriented, Kara allows Lena to guide her out the door with a hand on her arm. Everyone is heavy and defeated. They had worked so hard. Alex starts to speak- to try and wrap things up with a pep talk. But Kara doesn’t want a pep talk. Three people. Three innocent people. So much death. She’s seen so much death that sometimes she thinks it will bury her. Her fist hits the wall, cracking the cement. Lena’s hand is on her again but she whips her arm away and flees.

It’s hours later. 2am, maybe? She’s been floating at the edge of the atmosphere, watching the earth rotate until her anger and grief finally cool to something manageable. When things are at their worst, she needs to be up here; close to the stars and the vastness of space. Kara’s always been claustrophobic. And when you can get anywhere on earth in under an hour, even an entire planet can feel constricting. Not for the first time she wishes her Superpowers could carry her into space, as far as she wants to go. And then back, of course. Always: back. She thinks of Lena. Who had approached her with so much gentle care. Lena, who also understands death and destruction. Kara had all but shoved her away. Now all she wants to do is make things right. She’ll go to Lena, she thinks, allowing herself to free fall down, down, through the layers of atmosphere. She’ll apologize. Lena will forgive her. Probably already has. But Kara will feel better if she can just see Lena. Maybe she will sleep on her couch or curl up on top of the covers, at the far end of Lena’s bed. Lena won’t mind. She’ll understand that Kara needed to be close to her. Then Kara can apologize for being brusque with her first thing, when she wakes up.

Touching down on Lena’s balcony feels like coming home after a long day. It makes her body feel so tired with the nearness of rest. Of taking off the cape and suit. Of being Kara again and being home. She slumps through the door with a click of the biometric system, breathing a sigh of relief. But there’s a sharp intake of breath. Jenny is just coming out of Lena’s room wearing one of Lena’s robes and holding an empty water glass. It’s a lot to take in. Her eyes are wide and the satin robe stretches around her curves in a way that Kara supposes is beautiful. That Lena must find to be sexy. After all, it’s pretty obvious from the cleavage that Jenny is naked under that robe. Heat tickles the backs of Kara’s eyes and her fingers draw into quiet fists. They stare at each other for a moment before Kara catches herself. 

“Oh sorry,” she murmurs. “I didn’t realize-“ 

“It’s ok,” Jenny says, unruffled. “Is everything alright?” 

Kara doesn’t answer. Doesn’t want to talk about it- not to her. Doesn’t like that Jenny is standing here, in Lena’s apartment, wearing Lena’s robe and asking her questions. Jenny saunters over to the sink and fills her glass. Takes a sip. 

“She’s asleep,” she says. “She was exhausted. Rough night I guess.”

“I know,” Kara says, resentful that Jenny thinks she has anything to tell Kara about Lena that she doesn’t already know.

Jenny looks pretty sleepy herself. Hair rumpled in a way that somehow manages to make her look even more like a model. Kara feels like an intruder. Jenny leans back against the counter. 

“I have to say… I see what all the fuss is about,” she says, eyes wandering up and down Kara’s suit.

When Kara just blinks at her she continues, “With the whole…” 

She gestures vaguely at Kara’s Supergirl getup. 

Annoyed, Kara asks, “What fuss?” 

“You know what fuss,” Jenny says lightly, leveling her with a perceptive stare.

“Have a nice night” Kara says, and turns to leave. 

Jenny’s voice slices through the darkness, smooth and precise.

“Are you in love with her?” 

Annoyance flashes through Kara and she whirls.

“Are you?” she spits.

Jenny doesn’t answer. Just quietly takes her in. Kara feels suddenly exposed, in spite of the fact that she still has her suit on.

“Have a nice night,” Jenny says, blithely, and heads back to Lena’s room without a second glance.

Kara hates herself for waiting until the door clicks shut to leave.

————-

It no longer feels strictly “correct” that “more” is something Kara couldn’t give to Lena. Is it, possibly, more accurate to say that Kara… wouldn’t give her that? Or, is it that… Lena wouldn’t want those things with Kara? The thought makes Kara feel sick. She feels guilty for even wondering about it. Has Lena ever… thought about it? Has she ever wondered? The seeds of doubt needle at Kara. Because if Alex is right. If she does have romantic feelings for Lena. Non-platonic, (ahem) physical feelings. What then? What would it even matter? When Lena most likely doesn’t feel that way about her? When Lena is with someone else? She trusted Kara with something so personal; her sexual identity. And if Kara were to find herself in a situation where she took advantage of that by objectifying Lena like some creepy dude… by just assuming she’s “available…”  By assuming she’s into any and all women… She shudders. It’s creepy. That’s not who she wants to be. That’s not who she is. 

They’re friends. They’re just good friends.

Chapter Text

As much progress as she’s made, Lena still gets moody sometimes. Some little thought or reminder of a painful memory will trigger a cascade inside her and the clouds will settle over her for a little while. Sometimes hours. Sometimes days. During that time she’s a little more introspective. A little more tired. She vacillates between intense, obsessive focus on a project and a complete inability to focus on the most minute task. She hides it well. She learned to do that a long time ago. Kara sees it though. Even when she doesn’t mention it. She’s always a little more attentive during those times. A little more thoughtful. Lena still doesn’t know how to receive such kindness.

Lena stares out the window as her car slips down the highway. This morning she got up while it was still dark out and flew to the East Coast for several days of meetings, tours and negotiations with a new tech partner for her Foundation. She had been greeted at the airport by a stoic driver and a bubbly liaison from the company. Nothing is written in stone yet. But she’s optimistic. She’s been working on this for six months, after all. Tomorrow, her lead scientists and executives from the Foundation’s affiliates as well as some of the Foundation’s leadership team will join her. She isn’t quite excited. But satisfied, certainly, to be moving her work forward. Still, she can’t quite shake the vague feeling of gloom.

It began with such a small, intangible thing. Just a brief encounter in the park a couple mornings ago. She and Kara had gotten donuts and gone for a walk before work, as they often have, over the past year. Kara had looked fresh and golden in the morning light. A goddess from another world. She’d noticed a cute dog and, as was her way, stopped to gush over and pet it. Lena had been too busy watching Kara and Kara had been too busy talking to the dog to notice the rather good looking man attached to the other end of the leash. Finally he interjected himself with a good natured comment. Something about how his dog was a flirt. Then Kara had struck up a conversation with him about whatever and Lena had to endure the torture of watching yet another person fall in love with Kara in real time. Lena vaguely remembers both of them trying to engage her in the conversation but she’d been too lost in her own despair by then to do more than smile politely and hum noncommittally. Because it wasn’t this guy per se. It was that one day there would be a guy. One who would stick. And Lena would have to share Kara. Or lose her entirely. One day. Maybe soon.

After the man gave Kara his number, so that he could “send her the name of the animal shelter he volunteers at,” they parted ways to resume their walk. It was a bit of a dreary day. There had been no rain in the forecast but Lena couldn't shake the feeling that rain was imminent. Something about the way the air felt against her skin. Kara’s phone buzzed with a text.

“Oh!” She said, with a glance at her screen. “The animal shelter Tyler works at is two blocks from my apartment!”

“His name is Tyler?” Lena had responded.

Kara shot a bemused glance her way.

“Yeah…” she chuckled, “He told us. Did you not hear?” 

Lena shrugged and glanced at the gray sky. 

“Are you gonna text him back?” 

“I dunno,” she said, shoving her phone in her pocket. “Maybe. He doesn’t know who I am, so… that might shift things.”

Lena hummed, sympathetically. They were nearing the edge of the park, where they would part ways. 

“You ok?” Kara asked softly, slowing her pace in anticipation of their parting. 

The air felt heavy but no one else seemed to be on edge. Lena smiled as sincerely as she could and met Kara’s familiar, blue eyes. 

“Yes,” she said. “Just thinking about how it’s about to rain.”

Kara glanced at the sky with surprise.

“Oh… yeah I guess it is. I wasn’t paying attention.”

A secretive smile passed between them. If the people around them knew they could hear and feel rain long before it arrived, would they think they were gods? Maybe they’d try to burn them at the stake.

Kara smiled at Lena and pushed a lock of her hair behind her ear. 

“Hey, your eyes look almost gray in this light,” she said.

“Oh,” Lena said softly, feeling fire erupt along the path of Kara’s fingers.

There was something a little shy about Kara’s expression just then. A little searching. It made Lena’s chest ache with an embarrassing and hopeless longing.

Then they said a quick goodbye and parted ways. 

The last thing Kara said was, “Don’t get wet!” hollered over her shoulder with a conspiratorial wink.

Lena waved and smiled at Kara’s retreating form, feeling the clouds gathering in her mind. The rain would be here in just a couple minutes so she turned on her heel, then picked up her pace and headed for the street to flag a taxi. But she didn’t hail a taxi, for some reason. She just… didn’t. She kept walking. As the first fat raindrops began to fall, spotting her clothes and sticking in her eyelashes. As people began to squeal and run. Is this what being a god felt like? Knowing the storm was coming before anyone else? The rain grew steadier and began to soak Lena’s hair and run down her face, but she kept her pace moderate and steady. If anyone was a god it was Kara. Lena was a demigod, at best. A human with a few magical abilities. Blessed to be in the orbit of a far greater deity. Cursed to always orbit at a distance.

Now, as she stares out the window of the moving car, she curses herself for dwelling on all this. She needs to be mentally preparing herself for all the schmoozing and negotiating that will come tomorrow. Her chief scientists will be joining her to help inspect the manufacturing equipment and processes. There will be drafts of contracts to review. Lawyers to consult.

The landscape outside her window is different from any she’s encountered before and it holds her attention. For much of the drive from the airport to the hotel the cheerful young liaison for the manufacturing company had chatted with Lena and brought her up to date on the itinerary of meetings, tours and interviews scheduled for the next several days. Once she’d run through her list and answered all of Lena’s questions, the woman (mercifully) shifted her attention to several calls in order to finalize details. This left Lena some time to gaze out the window and let her mind wander.

The land on either side of the highway is a strange wasteland of rolling green mounds, entirely covered in green, leafy vines. Tree branches poke defiantly from some of the taller towers of leaves. There is something beautifully tragic and apocalyptic about the trees that are slowly being eaten by the endless piles of green leaves. In response to Lena’s curiosity about the sight, the liaison had been delighted to give her a short history: In the late 1800s a perennial vine named Kudzu was introduced to the United States. Intended to aid with soil erosion, over time it developed a reputation as an insidious invasive species. Especially in the Southeast, where winter temperatures don’t kill the vines, if the plant isn’t actively destroyed on a regular basis, it will swallow entire forests. The State spends hundreds of thousands of dollars every year just to keep it off the roads and infrastructure. The duality of something so lush and vibrant being so destructive is captivating to Lena, for some reason.

———

Lena arrives at her hotel suite that evening feeling strangely exhausted and wired. Things had gone well. Very well. “According to plan” in a way that is easy to check off her to-do list. She supposes she should also be hungry. Should order dinner. But the prospect feels daunting. She sinks into an armchair and sighs in relief as she slips off her heels and props her stockinged feet up on the coffee table. She’s just tipped her head back to rest it against the chair back when her phone buzzes. She groans, but picks it up hopefully. It’s a text from Kara!

Hey! How was your flight?

Not bad, Lena responds immediately. They had that champagne I like.

In spite of the fact that Lena owns multiple private jets, she hardly ever uses them any more. After putting the pieces together regarding how outrageously toxic private jets are for the planet she feels a little sick every time she thinks of how often she’s used them in the past. Now she flies commercial as often as possible. First class of course. Sometimes with a bodyguard. Unfortunately it is a lot more exhausting.

A few dots appear and then Kara’s response pops through.

Yay! How’s it going there so far?

It’s good so far. Though today was just high-level, overview stuff. The real work will be tomorrow. How was your day?

Gotcha. Good! Just the usual Monday morning stuff. Alex, Kelly and Esme are all sick 😢 so I just dropped off food for them.

Oh no! What do they have?

Just a bad cold. Esme’s already feeling better. Apparently kids bring home every illness they encounter at school!

Yes I have heard about that! Well, hope they all feel better soon. I’ll text Alex later.

A tiny heart pops up at the edge of Lena’s last text bubble. It makes her smile.

What are you up to now? she asks.

Flying while texting.

Lena reacts by clicking the “!!” icon over Kara’s text.

I’m not texting you anymore until you land!

Kara responds with a “Ha ha” reaction. And then completely disregards her warning.

So what’s for dinner?

Lena sighs. They’ve had this conversation about Kara texting while flying ad nauseum already and she’s too tired to get into it again.

Maybe nothing if I don’t get my act together and order something. I think I’d rather take a bath with a glass of wine.

There’s a pause for a couple minutes during which Lena begins to shed her clothing and rifle through her bag for her comfy pajamas: a loose button down shorts and shirt combo. The whoosh-click of an incoming text catches her attention.

How do you feel about Thai?

Why?

There’s a tapping sound at her window.

Lena is already rolling her eyes and smiling before she turns around. Kara is floating just outside, resplendent in red and blue with a white takeout bag hanging from one hand. The grin on her face can only be described as self satisfied. Lena smirks and unlocks the window then slides it open.

“You didn’t have to bring me dinner,” she says, as Kara climbs through the window.

“I know, I know,” Kara says, dismissively, setting the bag on the table and taking a look around. “But I needed to eat. And,” she fixes Lena with an adorably pointed look, “ you needed to eat. Thus,” she begins to unpack the bag, “dinner.”

Her hair is just a little ruffled from flying so far and, likely, fast. But her suit is impeccable, as always. Lena adjusts a small lock of hair into place.

“You were on Supergirl duty?” she asks, running a hand down the blue sleeve of Kara’s suit.

When Lena reaches her wrist Kara snags her hand lightly and squeezes. Then let’s go. Her face is soft and open.

“Mmhmm. Ready to eat?”

Lena changes out of her tight skirt and delicate blouse into cotton pajamas and they end up lounging on the couch, half-watching a movie for a couple hours. But really they just talk. About anything and everything. Problems at work, projects with Brainy, their work with the DEO, happy memories, inside jokes... And with every hour that goes by Lena feels some of the stress and gloom drain from her body, surrounded by takeout containers and with the tv prattling in the background. As usual they slowly migrate until they are sitting side-by-side, touching in some way, at all times. Kara’s head rests on Lena’s shoulder as they both groan at a terrible commercial, or Lena grips Kara’s arm as she suddenly remembers something she wants to tell her, or Kara briefly rests her hand on Lena’s thigh, as she animatedly relays her frustrations with her marketing director. Around hour 3 Kara gets a second wind and begins to pick over their leftovers.

“Mm- this one is different from the other one,” she says, chewing a bite of basil fried rice from the second container of it she brought.

Her brow is adorably wrinkled in serious contemplation and the hands of her suit are folded up over her wrists

“Is it the wrong dish?” Lena asks.

Kara shakes her head. 

“No,” she mumbles, “It’s like. A different batch or something. Here-“

She digs out a big bite with her chopsticks and holds it out to Lena.

“Oh,” she says, feeling her general germaphobia warring with her strong desire to have any part of her mouth as close as possible to any part of Kara’s mouth.

She leans forward and receives the bite of rice. It tastes fine and she chews it thoughtfully. Kara is watching her with the utmost seriousness and Lena’s still trying to process her many emotional and physical feelings about Kara feeding her. 

“Well?!” Kara asks, with the outrage of someone who is confident she is right.

“Mmhmm,” Lena says definitely. “I see what’s wrong here.”

Kara looks at her expectantly. 

“The first container was absolutely, definitively, ladled into the takeout container using a metal spoon and the second was ladled using a rubber spoon.”

Kara stares at her.

“Furthermore,” Lena says, using every ounce of her self control to hold her laughter back. “The first container was served by someone named Frank. And the second was served by someone named Hank .”

Lena is snorting a little by the end of the sentence and Kara’s mouth drops open.

“You’re making fun of me!” she says, voice a mix of outrage and respect.

“Uh, yeah,” Lena says matter-of-factly. “They’re the same Kara.”

There’s a half second pause and then Kara is tickling her, fried rice abandoned on the coffee table. Lena shrieks, cackles and swats at Kara as she mercilessly wiggles her fingers into Lena’s ribs and pushes her flat onto the couch. Lena is so busy laughing and fending off Kara’s attack that she doesn’t clock their positions until Kara stills suddenly. Her face goes a little uncertain. A little soft. It all washes over Lena at once. Kara’s knee on the couch between her thighs. Kara’s hip pressing one thigh into the back cushion. Kara’s hand, bracing herself beside Lena’s head, holding her face a foot from Lena’s. The rose blush on Kara’s cheeks and the way some of her hair is hanging between them and her soft smell and her warm breath whispering against Lena’s skin. Lena’s heart begins to gallop before she even has a chance to try and keep calm. Every cell in her body sings with the desire to wrap her legs around Kara and close the distance between them. Kara still has one warm hand on Lena’s rib cage… perilously close to her breast… Lena had taken off her bra when she changed into pajamas... 

Her nipples harden with the nearness.

“Sorry,” Kara murmurs, clearing her throat and climbing off of Lena. 

The loss is painful and Lena swallows a lump in her throat. She forces her voice to be light. Forces a chuckle.

“Don’t be,” she says, righting herself. “I haven’t laughed like that in ages.”

Kara reaches for the fried rice and Lena tries to catch her breath.

“Frank and Hank huh?” Kara teases. 

Lena rolls her eyes.

“It’s just… what came to me at that moment!”

“You know, you’re cheesy Lena Luthor. More people need to know that about you.”

They’re both smiling again; the mood lighter. Lena basks in Kara’s glow, telling the ache in her chest to wait. To just fucking wait a bit. There will be time for the heartbreak later. There always is. 

Kara leaves not long after. She helps Lena gather all the trash into a bag and then puts the leftovers in her fridge; a not so subtle hint that she expects Lena to remember to eat. Then she wraps Lena into a tight, swaying hug that lasts for entire, multiple seconds. One of Kara’s arms winds snuggly around Lena’s lower back, her hand curving around Lena’s waist, pulling her right against Kara’s body. Lena’s blood rushes in her ears. She always wonders what Kara makes of that. Her fluttering pulse. Her pink neck and cheeks. Her heightened body temperature. She supposes even the Girl of Steel isn’t immune to denial. 

She watches Kara fly off into the night and then watches the place where she disappeared for a few minutes. Then, with a sigh, goes in search of her phone. There are a myriad of notifications on it, including some increasingly tense texts from Jenny.

5:09 PM: Hey boss lady, I thought you were going to text me when you got in! How was the trip?

6:45PM: My day was murder but I’m home now, if you wanna chat.

8:00PM: Did I mention I’ve had a couple glasses of wine and am wearing lingerie?

8:02PM: Well, not actually wearing it. But I could be. If you wanted me to…

10:30PM: Headed to bed. Talk to you. Sometime.

Lena sighs and checks her watch as guilt begins to gnaw at her. It’s 10:45. 

Things have been a little tricky with Jenny lately. After two months of dating Jenny had, without any discussion, begun to sleep over at Lena’s penthouse after they had sex. Lena has always politely declined Jenny’s invitations to sleep at her place. At first Jenny stayed over at Lena’s once a week. And there were even a couple times Lena wanted her to. They have so much sex it felt impolite to kick her out. Plus Lena really does like her. But it quickly became three times. And when Jenny stayed over for the fourth time in one week Lena lay awake almost all night feeling tense and unhappy. It was just… too soon . She struggles with commitment and letting people in already. Plus with Kara… She knows herself and if she wants this to work, which she does, she has to be able to go at her own pace. Otherwise she will end up fucking everything up. The next morning she brought Jenny coffee in bed and told her, kindly, but in no uncertain terms, that while an occasional sleep over was ok, making it a regular occurrence was just not something she was ready for. Jenny knows enough about Lena’s history of abuse and loss to not hold it against her. But that didn’t mean it wasn’t disappointing. 

Lena read the hurt in her eyes as plain as day, even as Jenny calmly said, “Of course. We can go at your pace.”

Now she pours herself a glass of wine and presses the FaceTime icon, she can’t help feeling a little guilty for what she’s about to do. But at the same time: why the hell not? She feels as strung out and worn down and raw as she did when Kara arrived. She takes a large gulp of wine while the call connects.

Jenny’s face materializes on screen, makeup free and sleepy. The room around her is dark.

“Oh, hey,” Lena says softly. “Did I wake you?”

“No,” Jenny murmurs, “I was just drifting off.” She shifts and sits up against her headboard, reaching to turn the bed-side lamp on. 

She’s wearing a soft, loose t-shirt that drapes between her breasts in a way that definitely gets Lena’s attention. 

“Sorry I didn’t text,” she says, climbing into her own bed and propping herself up with pillows. “There was a liaison waiting for me as soon as I landed and it’s been back to back since then.”

Jenny hums, her dark eyes drinking Lena in.

“How was your day?” Lena adds, taking another sip.

The wine is smooth and slightly jammy on her tongue. Not bad. Jenny sighs; a long and indulgent sound, and then smirks.

“Oh, you know. The usual.”

Lena chuckles. 

“I’m glad to see you though,” Jenny purrs, with a tone that sends Lena’s blood rushing downward.

Jenny bites her plump lip and begins to toy with the v-neck of her t-shirt; casually pulling it down, down, until Lena can see a bit of her cleavage. She swallows. This is what she needs. 

This is what I want, she insists, inwardly.

“You look so sexy in that t-shirt baby,” she sighs. 

Because she really does. Jenny’s loud exhale crackles through the phone speaker. Her delighted smirk speaks volumes.

“Pull it down further for me,” Lena murmurs, sipping her wine.

“Like this?” Jenny coos, stretching her shirt down further, and wider, so that Lena can see the round, inner curves of each breast.

“Yesss,” she sighs, melting back into the pillows and setting her wine glass down. “Take it off.”

She can feel the pleasant buzz from the wine taking effect. The hand not holding her phone inches down between her legs, to brush at her thighs. She’s not sure she’ll be able to come like this but she can at least try. She knows she’s already wet from… well, anyway. Heat spreads up her neck.

 Jenny hums.

“Not yet,” she smirks. “I wanna see you first.”

Lena sighs.

“You know I don’t like to be naked right away.”

“So put a bra on,” Jenny snarks. “I just wanna see your tits.”

Lena scoffs, and raises an eyebrow. 

“And I want to see yours.”

“Com’mon Lena,” Jenny says, voice low and silken. “Be a good girl for me.”

Lena’s pulse quickens. She’s just as outraged as she is turned on.

“I know you like to do what I say,” Jenny purrs.

Lena sighs.

“Sometimes,” she concedes. And then “Fuck it. No screenshots.”

She pulls her shirt off over her head, feeling the hot blush that she knows will be painting her pale skin with pink splotches. Jenny’s smile is blinding. She lets out a long breath.

“God,” she breathes, “You look so good.”

“Now you,” Lena rasps, holding the phone so Jenny can see her face and tits.

Lena runs her fingers lightly up and down her inner thighs, teasing herself. It feels shivery and nice. Jenny shifts and it looks like she may be touching herself too.

“I thought we’d established that I’m in charge,” Jenny muses. “I’ll take off my shirt when you earn it.”

It makes her feel embarrassed, and vulnerable and terribly, terribly, terribly wet.

“God Jenny-“ she breathes, teasing along the hem of her underwear, but Jenny cuts her off.

“Play with your nipples.”

So Lena does. She props her phone on her knee and, with the fingers of her other hand, plays with her nipples. Until her underwear is soaked. Until she can’t bear it. Until the things Jenny is murmuring through the phone become a soft background to her pleasure. Jenny instructs her through taking off all her clothes and propping the phone up against some pillows. Through spreading her legs and spreading her lips for Jenny to see.

“You’re so wet for me sweetheart,” Jenny says breathlessly, “Such a good girl.”

Lena whines, and fights to stay present. Her thoughts and pleasure are trying to carry her away to a realm of fantasy. To a place she knows she can’t go.

“Touch yourself for me, pretty girl,” Jenny coos, voice like silk.

“O-ok,” she gasps, hissing as she finally makes contact with her swollen clit, “Just- just keep talking to me.”

Jenny murmurs to Lena about how good she’s doing while Lena pants and circles her clit and, adamantly, does not think about Kara. Till she’s dripping onto the sheets, and squirming. Till she doesn’t even notice whether Jenny is talking or not. But fuck, she can’t get there.

Voice like gravel she says, “I need to see you,” and holds the phone over her face and shoulders.

Jenny is already naked, as it turns out, and pretty far gone by the looks of it; skin shining and chest heaving. Her arm is reaching out of frame and while Lena watches she pans the camera down to show her the two fingers disappearing between her legs.

“Add a third finger,” Lena husks. “I wanna watch you fuck yourself.”

Jenny hisses, and does it, phone slipping as her hips roll. Lena’s so close, can feel the pleasure building to a tipping point. She rolls onto her stomach and positions the phone against the headboard so that she can use both hands, craning her neck to see. Jenny is gasping and moaning Lena’s name.

“Show me,” Lena groans, and Jenny holds her phone up shakily, as nonverbal as she always is at the end.

“Flip the camera,” Lena orders. 

And, more adamantly, when Jenny is too slow to comply: “Flip… It… ”

Lena’s hips are grinding into the mattress over and over and fuck it feels good. She wants it. Wants the release. Wants to transcend and feel relief. Jenny’s cries are high pitched and breathy. She’s close. Lena can imagine being there with her. Her warm skin and soft body. 

“Fuck,” she groans, “I wish I could bite your breasts.”

“Mm-hmmm,” Jenny moans, “and what else?”

“Push your face… into my pussy,” Lena groans, gasping for air.

“ Lena ,” Jenny whines, and then comes with a series of breathy moans.

The sound pushes Lena over the edge and she cries out, bucking and burying her face into the mattress. Her clit becomes too sensitive too fast,  so she finds the root and presses there as lights and colors flash behind her clenched eyelids. And blonde hair. And blue eyes. And Kara kneeling between her thighs, with fingers on her ribs. A groan rips from her throat before she can school her thoughts. It tapers off after that until she collapses face down into the damp sheets, practically wheezing. 

After a minute or so she hears Jenny’s voice, a reminder that she’s not alone. 

“Face first huh?” Jenny all but croaks, with a smile in her voice. 

Lena picks her head up and brings her wet fingers up to grab her phone. She can feel hair stuck to her cheek.

“God,” she groans, trying to forget where her orgasmic thoughts had wandered.

She sighs and flops onto her side.

“Did you come?” She rasps.

“Didn’t you hear?” Jenny says with a quirk of her pink lips.

She’s lying bonelessly against her pillows with the phone held over her.

Lena sighs and closes her eyes.

“I needed that.”

Jenny chuckles and hums.

“Happy to be of service.”

There’s a few moments where they just breathe and shift in their respective sheets, enjoying the post orgasm cocktail of chemicals.

Then Jenny murmurs, “You look tired.”

Lena runs a hand over her forehead.

“Yeah… I am.”

It doesn’t feel like there’s much to say now. She does feel tired. In her heart and mind, as well as her body.

“Get some rest,” Jenny whispers. “I’ll see you when you get back?”

“Mm-hm,” Lena murmurs. “I’ll text you.”

“Where have I heard that before?” Jenny wonders aloud.

Lena smirks and rolls her eyes.

“Ugh I know, I know. I’m bad.”

Jenny snickers.

“Good night,” Lena whispers.

“Good night Lena.”

A couple minutes later Lena drags herself out of bed and into the shower. Her body feels heavy and relaxed but with that has come the dreary gloom that’s been stalking her these past days. Even time with Kara and sex with Jenny hadn’t been enough to push it all the way away. She sighs and finishes rinsing herself off. After combing out her hair and lotioning up she goes in search of her pajamas. The window is still open from Kara’s exit and the warm breeze feels cool against her naked skin. Her face feels blank. Her mind feels blank. She walks to the window and leans against the frame, staring out at the night sky. There’s too much light pollution to see any stars here but Kara probably saw a bunch on her flight back to National City. Lena wonders if Kara ever gets used to the shocking beauty of it. She’s like a bright star herself, on a crisp, clear night. Too spectacular for the regular, human world. And Lena’s such a hungry, greedy creature. Always wanting more than she’s allowed.

The hazy, purple sky blurs in front of Lena’s unblinking eyes. There’s something warm on her cheek. She brushes at it. A tear. 

How silly, she thinks. To still be crying over her after all these years. How stupid.

But deep down she knows it’s futile. She’ll always be crying over this girl. This woman. This goddess made of sun who flies close to the stars. It’s the price she’ll forever be willing to pay. Lena’s feelings for Kara are a weedy Kudzu overgrowth. She had failed to uproot them when she had the chance and now there isn’t a single portion of her life that isn’t smothered in heavy, clinging vines. She can’t destroy them without destroying herself. So where does that leave her? And how can something so beautiful make her feel like she’s suffocating?

Chapter Text

Kara carefully arranges all of Lena’s favorite snacks on her coffee table. An elaborate cheese platter incorporating tiny knives, tiny pickles, tiny dollops of jams and honey surrounded by a ring of grapes and berries sits front and center on the coffee table. Next to that is a basket of sliced sourdough bread, a small bowl of dark chocolate truffles and a plate of prosciutto-wrapped figs baked with gorgonzola inside. And a large mixing bowl filled with round orange balls: cheese puffs, for herself. A tumble of excited, happy fireflies buzzes in her chest. Between Lena’s dating life and a big, confidential project she’s been working on they’ve hardly seen each other over the past month except for a couple coffee dates, quick FaceTime calls and when their paths crossed at the DEO. But tonight Lena is free! And they have hours to just hang out and talk and watch all the episodes of their favorite shows they need to catch up on!

It’s been hard, not having Lena around as much. Having to share her. And also… having to grapple with the embarrassing dreams and thoughts and… questions about herself. Alone. While not having Lena. She’s been so on edge for ages now. But even if Lena were around all the time, she’s not sure she would talk to her about it. 

Kara desperately misses Lena stopping by her place on her way to work and being able to pop into Lena’s whenever she wants. But Lena’s been so busy wrapping up the final stages of her project that their friendship has taken a backseat. She supposes Jenny has been getting whatever scraps of time Lena has left. The thought makes fire spark behind her eyeballs as her heat vision starts to flare. She gasps, shocked, jerking her hand back from the napkins she’d been laying out next to the charcuterie board. After taking a few deep breaths to cool off she crosses to the mirror and nervously checks her hair (and her eyes) in the reflection. Anxiously, she wipes away a fleck of mascara. She forces herself to relax the little furrow between her eyebrows. The truth is, lately it feels like Lena is pulling away from her. Like Kara isn’t as important to her as she once was. Kara clears her throat and goes in search of her phone. She doesn’t like to think about Lena not wanting her… not wanting her in her life , that is. It’s just best not to think about it.

She answers a few work emails, leaning against her kitchen counter. But part of her brain is listening, listening for Lena’s heartbeat. For her steps. She nibbles her lip. If Kara had known, that night she slept over at Lena’s place, that it would be the last time, she would have savored it more. Would never have bolted so quickly the next morning. How many times in the past month alone has she thought of how soft Lena felt against her. How relaxed and comfortable and peaceful they both had been as they drifted off to sleep. They’re good for each other, Kara knows they are. Is Jenny as good for Lena as she is? Does Lena sleep as peacefully next to her? 

She shouldn’t think like this. And she won’t. She crosses to her laundry basket and begins to sort lights from darks. A familiar thump-thump, thump-thump enters her audible range. She’s at the door before Lena’s heart can beat again. Which is silly. Because Lena’s still in the lobby by the sound of it. She presses her forehead to the door, trying to calm her own heart rate. She wants to run to meet her. She would have done it before and not thought twice. But now she’s not sure. She stays rooted, head against the door until Lena reaches Kara’s floor, heart pounding from climbing the stairs. She waits until Lena reaches her door. Until she knocks. And then another few moments. And then she opens it.

Lena is flushed and pretty and beaming, with a big, wrapped box clutched tightly in her arms.

“Hi!” Kara gushes, feeling like Lena’s big, authentic smile is a balm for all of the anxieties she had been feeling. 

“What’s this!?” she laughs, as Lena hoists the gift into her arms.

“This,” Lena says, hanging up her purse and shucking off her heels, “Is what I’ve been working on for the past few months.”

She is practically radiating with excitement and Kara wants to hug her but she’s holding the gift Lena brought her and she doesn’t want to be rude by setting it down. Then the window of opportunity seems to close and Kara’s heart sinks a little. 

“You’ve been working on something for me ?” she asks. 

Her heart does a little flip at the implication that Lena hasn’t just been avoiding her. Lena nods; enthusiastic and… something else. Nervous?

“Open it,” she urges softly.

“Ok.”

Kara sets the box on her dining table and undoes the fancy bow. She tears the thick, shiny paper, as gently as she can, and pulls it off. All the while Lena’s eyes burn into her. A quick glance at her reveals that she is gripping her hands tightly together and biting her lip in anticipation. When Kara opens the box she finds… a lamp. She carefully pulls it out, to confirm. It’s just a regular, table top lamp. Stylistically it fits right into Kara’s eclectic decor, looking like something that was handed down to her from an older family member or discovered at an antique store. But not anything new and techy like she’s come to expect from Lena.

“It’s… a lamp!” she says, looking questioningly at Lena.

Lena licks her lips, takes a deep breath and levels Kara with a very sincere, very serious look. 

“It’s a red sun lamp,” Lena says. 

After a silent moment she adds, “There’s a cord but you don’t really need it, except to keep the switch battery powered.”

Kara stares at the lamp, wide eyed. Then stares at Lena. Of all the ways she thought tonight might go, this was not one of them. A red sun lamp. A red sun lamp. Possibilities and implications are beginning to unfurl in the back of her mind. Lena approaches her softly and points to the very mundane switch. 

“The switch has a biometric reader embedded into it. Only you can turn it on.”

Lena is watching her very carefully, clearly desperate for Kara to try it out. Kara stares at the lamp. She presses her fingers to the switch and turns it on. Red light floods the space. She can feel it sucking at her powers immediately. The way gravity shifts and becomes more insistent. The way the strength in her body fades to something lighter and more fragile. She takes a deep breath at the sensation. 

“The switch looks normal but it has a biometric reader in it,” Lena continues, “ And a little magic. Anyone can switch it off, but… only you can switch it on.”

“How did you do this?” Kara murmurs, flexing her fingers and gazing at the lamp again. It’s not just powerful, it’s beautiful.

So much care was put into all the details. So that it could hide in plain sight. And be easy to use.

“I- it may not reduce your powers totally to human level. It’s  small. But… it should make it easier to…” Lena takes a deep breath, as if to steel herself. “… To have sex. Without worrying. And maybe make it… more enjoyable.”

Kara shifts her stunned gaze to Lena, who is flushed and stammering but so sincere. Kara can’t fathom the amount of work this must have taken her. And the resources. Lena is starting to shift nervously and her anxiety comes out in a rush of words.

“I’m sorry if this is overstepping, Kara. I know I tend to do that. Just say the word and I’ll destroy it and no one else-“

Kara crushes her into a tight, human, regular-strength hug, effectively cutting off her apology.

“Thank you,” she murmurs into Lena’s hair. 

Lena squeezes her back.

“Of course, darling. You deserve to be able to… you know. Without worrying.”

Her voice gets even softer. 

“You deserve it.”

Kara laughs quietly and leans back.

“Look at us,” she says, “helping each other get laid.”

Lena chuckles and drops her eyes.

“Right…”

She sobers a bit.

“Listen Kara no one knows about this but me. I have all the research and specifications locked away in my personal safe and if you’d like I can just surrender all that to you.”

Kara smiles at her affectionately. There are little flecks of reflected red light glittering the surface of her pale eyes. It’s beautiful.

“And,” Lena continues, brow furrowing, “Please promise me you’ll be very careful who you trust to use it with, ok? It could put you at risk and…” Lena pulls away from Kara’s arms and begins to pace. “I’m honestly still not sure I did the right thing by making it. But it’s yours to decide what to do with Kara, it’s your right to-“

“Ok, hey… Lena?” Kara says warmly, taking Lena’s hands to soothe her anxious pacing. 

Her affection and amusement bubbles up in her chest and she can’t help but beam at Lena.

“First of all, I’m not sure I do deserve this. Or you.”

Lena makes a face of mild outrage and opens her mouth to protest.

“But thank you,” Kara continues, “This is so thoughtful. And generous of you. And I promise I’ll be careful. I honestly can’t imagine actually using it any time soon, but… it’s nice to know I could,” she says with a gentle smile.

Lena smiles back shyly, squeezing her hands.

“Oh. Ok, well. Good. I could make you something more portable too, at some point. So you could take it with you… other places.”

Kara bites her lip and nods with faux seriousness.

“Oh yes,” she says somberly, “I’m going to have sex in SO many other places.”

Lena ducks her head and chuckles. Kara swings their joined hands back and forth.

“It’s gonna be just like… tons of sex… all over the place… with my red, sex light.”

Lena somehow manages to blush even deeper and swats reproachfully at Kara, who is also feeling quite flushed. But when she meets Kara’s giddy eyes, something vulnerable crackles behind them for a moment, and then is gone.

Kara is struck with the odd thought that using the lamp with anyone else would feel like a violation. It feels like something that belongs to just her and Lena. Something that is theirs alone. Lena’s such a good friend. Kara can just imagine curling up next to Lena on the couch, under the red glow of the lamp, and winding her arm tight around Lena’s waist. She would lay her head over Lena’s heart, and pretend to watch a movie. She’d stretch Lena’s neckline out of the way until she could lay her hot cheek to the bare patch of skin under Lena’s left collar bone.

Kara clears her throat to stop that line of thought. Is curling up under a red, sex lamp to watch a movie something regular, old, platonic besties would do? Definitely! Probably. But Lena is dating someone now and even though Kara’s thoughts are purely platonic (they are ) it feels wrong to foster such ideas. Again, those competitive, territorial feelings stir inside her. She’s getting tired of those. She’s not jealous, she’s not. She just wants to be best friends with Lena forever, smelling her hair, making her green eyes dance, spending all their free time together, being each other’s plus-ones, sleeping in each other’s beds; Kara endlessly cuddling and nuzzling into the softness of Lena’s hair, and her cute dimpled cheeks, and her wonderful, pale throat and then lower into the curves of her… her…

Oh.

Oh.

The last shreds of Kara’s denial slip through her fingers like wisps of fog.

Chapter Text

Kara stares at the scattered pile of open windows on her laptop screen, trying to decide where to start. After a full morning of interruptions she had all but fled her office, retreating to her favorite cupcake shop to try and get some work done. Seven cupcakes and one very astonished cashier later she sits next to a pile of wrappers, at a wobbly table, with her phone on silent and her laptop open. If she could just focus she’d be able to Super Speed her way through all this stuff in no time. But alas, the focus will not come. 

She enlarges up the window with the partially completed online quiz and reads the next question.

“The idea of having sex with someone of the opposite sex as mine is:

1. Desirable 
2. Interesting 
3. Tolerable
4. Negative 
5. Disgusting”

Kara winces at the screen. What are these options!?

“Uhh, none of the above?” she mutters.

What about “Fine?” she thinks, or: “Nice? Sometimes?” 

“Great if you like the person a lot?” 

“A mixed bag, if you’re Kryptonian?”

She skips to the next question.

“The idea of having sex with someone of the same sex as mine is…”

“That’s the real question, isn’t it?” she murmurs to herself.

In the week since her revelation that she does, unquestionably, have very powerful, very romantic, very not platonic feelings for Lena, she’s gotten no closer to figuring out what on earth she’s supposed to do now. She can’t get to that point because her brain is constantly in a state of reevaluating their entire friendship. And her entire life. The affectionate respect and awe she’s always felt for Lena. And the blushing, stammering adoration. She thinks of her hands on Lena’s warm ribs. Of Lena’s cool hand on her wrist. Of her eternal fascination with Lena’s cleavage. And the newly exhilarating concept of pressing her face into it. Of her dreams. Dreams of Lena stepping on her, dispassionately. Of climbing on top of Lena and smearing her lipstick. Of straddling Lena’s thigh, in bed. Of Lena’s hands on her thighs. Of course she’s attracted to Lena. Of course she’s in love with her. It’s wonderful. It’s terrible. She buries her face in her hands. Presses the heels into her eyes. Feelings aside, allowing herself to intentionally imagine having sex with Lena for the sake of an online quiz feels like such a violation. Still, she’s pretty sure she already knows the answer. 

Rao, everything is upside down now. She’s tried to keep acting normal. She hopes she’s been successful. 

“There you are!” 

Nia’s hand slaps down on the table, sending her cupcake wrappers fluttering. Kara jumps. She hadn’t heard her come in.

“I surprised you?” Nia says, with skepticism, “Really?”

“I’m working. I’m focused on my work,” Kara replies pointedly.

Nia takes in their surroundings: a tiny, shabby cupcake shop with one table in the corner next to a pile of boxes and a board cashier scrolling on their phone behind the counter. Then she examines the scattered wrappers next to Kara’s computer. She begins to peek around the side of Kara’s laptop to look at the screen but Kara slams it shut.

“Hey!” she squeaks, “That’s private!” Then, “You know I’m your boss right?”

Nia sinks into the chair opposite her and puts her hands up in surrender.

“Ok! What’s going on with you?!” she asks. “You’ve been so weird lately. Like weirder than usual.”

Kara glares at her half heartedly.

“I’m just… I have a lot on my mind. I couldn’t concentrate at the office so I came here.”

Nia seems poised with a snappy comeback but something in Kara’s expression seems to make her change course.

“Are you ok?” she asks gently.

Kara chews her lip for a moment.

“Have I really been weird?” she asks. 

“No… look- I shouldn’t have said ‘weird.’ But you have been off...”

And Kara thinks she’s going to say “for the past few days” or “this week.” But instead Nia says, “for a while.”

You’ve been off for a while.

Since Lena started dating, Kara realizes, with a sudden certainty.

She feels herself deflate a little.

“Can I ask you a personal question?” she says.

Nia smiles reassuringly and reaches out to squeeze her hand.

“Of course. Kara, you know I’m here for you.”

Kara squeezes back a little and takes a deep breath.

“Being half human, and half Naltorian, do you ever struggle with human relationships… like human dating customs or… human ideas about sexuality?”

Nia considers this.

“I mean… maybe? It’s hard to tell honestly because being Trans, in this culture, has made my life so complicated already. If I were 100% Naltorian maybe it would be different. Naltorian culture is pretty binary though.” She shrugs, “And Brainy isn’t human so… I guess everything’s been so complex anyway it’s hard to tease out what and why. Plus, I was born here.”

Unlike you, is the implication. Kara nods. She’s reminded again that there’s no one in the universe quite like her.

“Of course. That makes sense,” she murmurs, nibbling her lip.

“Are you… dating someone?” Nia asks, softly.

“No, no,” she answers quickly, pulling her hand back to pick at her fingernails, “ Just processing I guess. I’m realizing that maybe I don’t always know when I have feelings for someone. For like…” she sighs, “a really long time.”

Nia’s resulting gasp is so dramatic it actually startles Kara a little. Her head shoots up. 

“Is this about Lena!?” Nia asks, something like glee in her voice.

She looks positively delighted.

“Wh- what!?” Kara says, stiffening and beginning to laugh. 

It sounds a little hysterical, even to her own ears.

“Wh-Why would you… what… that’s… so silly!”

“Oh my GOD,” Nia all but squeals, “It’s happening!! You two are finally facing your big gay feelings for each other!”

Kara stares at Nia’s brilliant smile, momentarily speechless. Her own awkward smile falls. 

“Oh,” Nia says, sobering, little by little, “You’re freaking out. I’m sorry! I got excited. I didn’t mean to overdo it.”

She winces and Kara buries her face in her hands, slumping forward onto her elbows with a long, loud sigh.

“But…” Nia continues, tentatively, “You do have big, gay feelings for each other… right?”

“No comment,” Kara mumbles, voice still muffled by her hands.

She can practically hear Nia smiling. She drops her hands.

“Lena doesn’t have feelings for me,” she says, feeling all the wind has been knocked out of her. “That’s… ridiculous. And even if she ever did… she’s in a relationship now.”

“But you have feelings for her.”

And it’s Nia . Kara doesn’t have it in her to lie right now. Not to Nia. One look of tired resignation is all it takes. Nia has to bite her lip to keep from grinning.

“Nia, you can not say anything to anyone,” Kara warns, “Especially not Lena. I don’t want to make things awkward with us or mess things up for her. She’s happy.”

“Not as happy as she’d be with you,” Nia mutters.

“What?”

Nia sighs and laces her fingers together on the table top.

“Kara. As long as I’ve known you two you’ve been obsessed with each other. You’re like a puppy around her and-”

“Excuse me!” Kara splutters, “I am Supergirl and the Editor-in-Chief of CatCo media! I am not a puppy!”

The cupcake cashier eyes them over her phone. It’s difficult to tell if she is reacting to Kara’s announcement about being Supergirl or the volume of her proclamation.

“ And,” Nia continues, as if Kara hasn’t spoken, “At any given moment she is either undressing you with her eyes or hanging on your every word like it’s the most profound thing that’s ever been said.”

That renders Kara momentarily speechless. Her mouth drops open as she stares at Nia. Her brain tries desperately to wrap itself around the phrase “undressing you with her eyes,” feeling caught somewhere between scandalised that Nia would say such a thing and terribly, terribly interested.

“Wait. What!?” she finally croaks.

Nia laughs a little, “Kara,” she says gently, “This is really news to you?”

Kara feels overwhelmed and slow. Her forehead feels tight and crumpled as she makes a show of straightening the cupcake wrappers. This all feels terribly vulnerable and personal and… But she needs help, so…

“So you’re saying…” she begins, slowly.

Nia nods with encouragement as Kara works it out. 

“You think that Lena thinks of me as… more than a friend. Sometimes.”

Nia nods again, smiles, and with alarming confidence says, “All the time.”

Kara’s hands freeze on the wrappers and she’s back to staring. At her dear, trustworthy friend’s certain, authoritative smile. She can’t breathe. Is there a world in which Kara and Lena have been carefully dancing around each other, and themselves, for years, unable to acknowledge or act on their feelings for one another? Convincing themselves it’s just friendship? But that’s ridiculous. Lena is smart. Lena is confident with romantic interests, Kara’s seen it. Kara would have seen it, if it had been directed at her. She would have noticed.

Snippets of memory flash before her mind’s eye:

Kara Danvers, you are my hero.

Maybe we should just date each other.

You look so beautiful darling.

You have such a beautiful voice, Kara. Please don’t stop singing.

You were right. When you said I should date. I thought about it and realized. You were right.

Then there’s the… the little flutter Lena’s heart does sometimes. The way her cheeks pinken when it happens. 

“It’s nice to have you here,” she whispered, as they curled against each other in the dark.

The inside of Kara’s rib cage tingles with warm sparks. 

Lena Luthor is not always the most gentle person. But she’s always gentle with Kara. Always careful. And the times she wasn’t… had that rage and hurt perhaps come from… a different place, than Kara had always assumed? Lena’s pain had been so deep and complete that it took Kara’s breath away. It was hard for her to understand, at the time. Had Lena’s passionate rage been that of a person… in love , more than a friend betrayed? But that was… ages ago. Surely Lena hasn’t been harboring feelings for her all this time. Kara winces. It just feels so unbelievable. Foolish. To think someone as gorgeous, accomplished and confident as Lena would be secretly in love with her and not act on it. 

And yet…

“Have you…” she wheezes, and then needs to clear her throat, “Have you spoken with her? About this?”

Nia’s voice is so, so gentle as she says, “No. I didn’t need to. But you should, Kara.” 

Kara hangs her head. Her voice is a breathless hiss.

“Ohh… I can’t do that. I can’t risk it.”

She shakes her head adamantly and searches Nia’s kind, brown eyes.

“Lena means SO much to me. How could I ever risk it?” she pleads.

Nia’s smile is rueful.

“How can you not?”

————-

Florence Abbott has not slept well. Has not slept well in quite some time, in fact. The women in her family have always been like this. Restless, light sleepers. Especially when the ancestors and the spirits are talkative. Or uneasy. It’s a feature of life as an Abbott Draoi that was normalized for her long ago.

“How are you feeling?” her pupil, Lena, asks softly. 

Elizabeth’s daughter. Green eyes. Fiery aura. Just like her mother. Florence’s heart squeezes with tenderness. The pain of losing Elizabeth has faded to a dull ache, over the years. And the joy of reconnecting with her, through her daughter, has been a healing balm. Elizabeth’s spirit is near to her now. Near to them both. In spite of the fact that they are looking at each other through a small screen, thousands of miles apart. She wonders if Lena can feel it.

Florence sighs, fondly. Lena is so perceptive. So full of light.

“The spirits have been keeping me awake,” she says, as if speaking about a handful of unruly but lovable children, “They’re agitated.”

“Oh? Samhain isn’t for a couple more weeks,” Lena says, referencing the upcoming Gaelic autumn holiday; the one that ushers in the darkest time of the year.

At moments like this Florence is uncertain how much to tell Lena. 

“They’ll settle,” she says, taking a sip of her steaming, herbal tea. “How about you? Did you get the herbs I sent you?”

“Yes,” Lena beams, “Thank you! I’ll try them soon and report back.”

Florence sets her cup down.

“And have you been able to harness more power when you meditate?”

Lena’s smile falls a bit. She blinks and looks away.

“I’m honestly not sure, Florence. I’m trying… I am. It’s just…”

“What?”

Lena’s forehead scrunches in thought. Her green eyes are conflicted.

“Isn’t it enough? I can light things on fire. I can extinguish them. I think my time is better spent with the herbs-“

“You have to keep trying Lena. Pray to Danu. Pray to Lugh. Sit with the spirits-“

“But why?” Lena laughs a little. “To what end? I have a full life here. A lot of projects and initiatives. I have more resources than I can ever use. Of course I want to keep learning, especially with herbal magic, but in terms of power… I just don’t see the point.”

“Lena,” Florence says gently, “Don’t you feel it? It’s your birthright. You wouldn’t be given the potential for such power without there being a purpose. A need.”

“What need ?” Lena asks, bewildered.

She waits, as if hoping Florence will speak. She does not. When you’re a draoi, some things are best kept to oneself. And novices must not be given everything at once.

“Well.” Lena says; trying to mask her disappointment. “I uh… I wanted to ask you. It’s… it’s probably silly but. I’ve been having these dreams. For a while.”

“Dreams?” Florence asks, cursing the note of alarm in her voice. “What dreams?”

“Just… mysterious dreams. Always about the same person. Sometimes they’re like normal dreams, and sometimes they feel like… more.”

“Well… dreams can be a lot of different things. Is the person in your dreams living? Or a spirit?”

“Living,” Lena says, voice going soft, “They’re a… dear friend.”

Florence regards her. 

“What kind of imagery do you see in these dreams?”

Lena sighs and closes her eyes, as if to remember. 

“Uhh… she wears a white robe. Sometimes. Sometimes we’re in a forest… sometimes she gives me plants, or berries to eat. Or wine, to drink.”

“Do you recognize the plants?”

“Hmmm… no I don’t think so. Though I can do a little digging. The berries are clear, like… glass almost.”

Florence considers this for a long time.

“Hawthorne means protection. Bittersweetness. Sustenance with thorns.”

Florence can see Lena swallow, even through the computer screen.

“That sounds about right,” she mutters, and then, louder: “But Hawthorne berries are red.”

“Your berries are filled with light,” Florence says. “The giver is someone very significant. Not just to you but for your well-being. And you are important for her. You will save each other.”

“Have saved each others’ lives,” Lena corrects. “Are you saying it will happen again?”

Florence takes another sip of tea. The herbs are settling toward the bottom. Llater she will pour them out to examine them carefully.

“I can’t be sure,” Florence muses. “Time is a funny thing, in the world of dreams. Especially where soul-mates are concerned.”

“Soul-m-!” Lena exclaims, cutting herself off. “You mean, best friends.”

“Perhaps,” Florence says, doubtfully. “Time will tell.”

Again, Lena waits. Hoping for more. Knowing better than to push for it. Florence smiles softly to herself. 

So like her mother, she thinks. 

Lena sighs. 

“Ok,” she says, “I’ll think on that.”

“And you’ll keep building your power?” Florence asks.

Lena’s smile is reluctant, but warm.

“Yes,” she says, “I’ll keep trying.”

—------------------

When Jenny texted Lena to see if she was free tonight, Lena jumped on it. Ever since handing off the red light to Kara last week she’s been seized by a renewed determination to invest in their relationship. Her red lamp project is complete, other than some tinkering with portable models. And when she handed it off to Kara she had metaphorically handed off any illusions she may have had about Kara not proceeding to lead a rich life of dating and relationships, in the future. And sex. She’s done everything she can to help her friend. Because she is a friend. And nothing more. And now Lena has time and energy she needs to really give her relationship with Jenny a solid try. Jenny deserves that. And she deserves it too.

Lena unlocks the door and goes to the kitchen to chop some asparagus to have with the sea scallops she’s planning to pan sear for dinner. She’s not usually much for cooking but when she does it she really likes to get it right. She carefully consults the recipe she found online and gathers more ingredients. She’s just mixing the oil into the glaze she’s making when the door opens.

“Hey,” Jenny calls, “It’s me.”

Lena smiles to herself.

“I figured,” she responds, with a chuckle. “I’m making you dinner!”

There’s a shuffling sound as Jenny shuts the door and leaves her belongings in the entryway. It’s a sound that’s become familiar. A sound that Lena supposes she could get used to. Lena grabs the bottle of wine she’s been letting breathe and pours them each a glass, handing one to Jenny as she walks into the room. 

After a quick kiss, Lena returns to her meal prep asking, “How were the negotiations?”

Jenny leans against the island, with a sigh.

“Oh, you know. Everyone always wants more for less, in the end. We built that into our proposed budget so it won't hurt our bottom line when they inevitably want us to do a bunch of work for free… and they were none the wiser!”

“Smart girl,” Lena smirks, tossing the asparagus in oil.

Absently, she wonders what Kara is up to tonight. She hadn’t asked, when they had coffee earlier. Maybe, after Jenny leaves, she can give her a quick call, if it’s not too late, to see how she decided to proceed with the coverage of the chemical spill that happened yesterday.

Suddenly Jenny is behind her, winding arms around her waist, and Lena realizes she’d been so lost in her thoughts she didn’t notice Jenny approaching. But… this is cute, right? Jenny sets her chin on Lena’s shoulder. She smells faintly of an expensive perfume she often wears. It’s cozy, right? A lot of people would like this. She decides to like it too.

“Lena,” Jenny scolds in a teasing tone, lips to Lena’s ear. “I’m offended you don’t see me as a woman.”

Lena chuckles.

“Oh I know you’re a woman,” she smirks, as Jenny sways their bodies together, “Just reminding you who’s boss.”

Jenny snorts and smacks her ass sharply, as she pulls away, making Lena jump as heat flies to her cheeks. She glares halfheartedly as Jenny, innocently, returns to her perch at the end of the counter. 

“Save the attitude for the bedroom later,” Lena advises, pointing a knife at her with a raised eyebrow.

Jenny sticks out her tongue and starts scrolling through her phone while Lena chuckles, puts the asparagus in the oven and starts the timer.

“Oh, that reminds me,” Jenny says, offhandedly, “I brought some clothes and stuff… if you wanted me to stay over.”

Lena’s body tenses and she has to force herself to take a deep breath. When she glances up Jenny is watching her, phone still held aloft. Lena licks her lips and braces her hands on the counter. 

“I thought we talked about sleepovers,” she says, as gently as she can manage.

She feels annoyed that this perfectly pleasant evening has been made uncomfortable. She was so proud of herself for pushing outside of her comfort zone; challenging herself to invest in this relationship. Only to be made aware that her efforts are not enough.

“ Yes ,” Jenny concedes, lowering her phone, “We talked about how they were ok sometimes . ”

Her voice is level, composed and her beautiful face is still; expectant. Lena envies her calmness in the face of conflict. It’s never been Lena’s strong point, though she used to be able to at least hide her emotions more easily. Maybe Jenny is hiding hers too. 

“It’s been a few weeks,” Jenny continues, patiently, “And tomorrow is Saturday. We could… stay in bed late… maybe go to a movie…”

“Oh. I… I mean. That sounds nice Jenny, truly. It’s just, I already have plans with Kara tomorrow.”

And she is about to say something about planning to have a sleepover next weekend. Because that will give her time to prepare herself to be present and emotionally available after sex and the next morning. Which is what Jenny deserves. What she, herself, wants. But at the sound of Kara’s name something flickers across Jenny’s face. A microexpression that Lena barely catches. It makes Lena take pause. Then her phone begins to buzz, on the countertop. A flutter of happiness goes through her chest when she sees who’s calling.

Kara

“Excuse me,” she says, “I just need to get this.”

Gratefully, she scoops up the phone.

“Hello darling,” she all but gushes, turning her back and walking several steps away. 

“Hey!” Kara’s cheerful voice chirps through the phone. “Watcha doing?”

“Oh, just making dinner. Jenny’s here.”

“Oh. That’s nice,” Kara responds.

And there’s something a little disappointed about her voice. Something a little sad. It makes Lena feel sad.

“Is everything ok?” she asks, concerned. 

“Oh! Yeah! Totally. I just got done with work early and figured I’d see what you’re up to. But you’re busy. So no worries!”

Lena can hear traffic sounds and wind in the background. She can tell from the types of sounds that Kara is walking. Her heart sinks a little. She’s probably only a 5-10 minute walk away. Lena’s frustrated she can’t just go meet her.

“Well, I could call you later? If you want? And we’re still on for tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah! Definitely! And, only call if you have time. No pressure. I know you have… plans. Tonight.”

Her voice grows a little tight at the end and Lena can imagine her swallowing. It makes Lena feel a little queasy and a little curious and a little… hopeful? Inexplicably.

“Good,” she says, softly, glancing at her watch. And, “We’ll be done in a few hours, probably. I’ll call then.”

“Ok! Sounds good,” Kara says, voice musical and bright. “I’ll talk to you then.”

“Talk to you then,” Lena affirms, and hangs up the phone, still smiling.

It’s only then that she remembers Jenny is even here. She swallows, guiltily and turns around. Going back to her food prep. Hoping Jenny wasn’t paying too close attention.

“A few hours huh?” Jenny observes, dryly. “Is that how long it takes to feed me, fuck me and send me on my way?”

Lena’s head snaps up to find Jenny watching her, all of her attention focused on Lena. Shit . Her statement was made without malice but it still makes Lena’s stomach twist.

“That’s not what I-“ 

Jenny drops her gaze to the countertop and clasps her hands together on the marble. Her freckles stand out under the bright pendant lights. They’re one of Lena’s favorite things about her.

“Look. Lena, I know we haven’t defined this or anything. We’ve been having fun.”

She looks up, with a wry smile that grows more sincere as she keeps talking. 

“I really like you. I think we’re good together. And I think I could fall for you. If you were available to pursue something more serious.” 

And there’s something about the way she says it that makes Lena wonder if Jenny already has fallen for her. Her stomach twists with guilt and apprehension.

“But,” Jenny says gently, dark eyes fixed on Lena. “You’re not, are you? You’re not emotionally available.” 

Lena feels it like a slap. Cold, aloof Luthor, she thinks. She takes a deep breath and averts her eyes.

“Jenny, I’m sorry,” she murmurs, “It was insensitive of me to take that call. We were in the middle of…” she gestures lamely between them, “I’ll be more considerate. In the future.”

She smiles softly and watches Jenny’s eyebrows draw into a sad, resigned expression.

“You’re in love with her.”

She says it so plainly that it takes Lena’s breath away. And there’s so many other things Jenny could say too: like “I can’t compete with Supergirl” or “You’ve been wasting my time.” But instead she’s meeting Lena with compassion. With empathy. It’s far more than she deserves.

“Tell me I’m wrong,” Jenny says, voice going a little shaky.

Lena feels her eyes glossing over with tears.

“I’ll try harder,” she rasps. “I really care for you. I do.”

She walks closer and takes Jenny’s hand. Jenny squeezes it gently, a sad expression clouding her elegant face.

“You’re in love with someone else,” she reiterates, with a finality that feels like failure. 

Lena blinks back tears and drops her gaze. There’s no use hiding it. She nods.

-

Jenny gives her a warm hug before she goes. 

“I really have had fun,” she says.

“Me too,” Lena responds, a catch in her throat.

“You should talk to her, Lena.”

Lena lets out a sharp breath; looks away.

“Right.”

Jenny’s voice is soft when she says, “You might be surprised.”

And then Lena watches her walk down the hall, taking the last vestiges of Lena’s illusions that she can ever move on from Kara, with her.

----

Chapter Text

The night Jenny breaks up with her Lena closes her front door and then just leans against it for a while. She stares out across her apartment. At the dinner ingredients spread out all over the counter. At the two glasses of wine and the open bottle. She feels numb. She wasn’t able to make it work. With someone as wonderful as Jenny. And she may never be able to make it work. With anyone. She closes her eyes and lets her head thunk back against the solid wood of the door. Would it be so bad? To spend a platonic life with Kara? She can think of far worse fates.

Until Kara falls in love with someone, that is, she thinks, glumly.

And what was all that about “Talk to her, you might be surprised?” 

Lena groans. The last thing she needs is false hope.

She stands there until her stomach growls and then goes over to the kitchen and finishes cooking, in a daze. Emotionless, she does the bare minimum. She forgoes the fancy glaze and garnishes she had planned. No handmade dressing. She just gets the food cooked, so it won’t go to waste. Sears the scallops with salt and pepper. Tosses the salad she’d prepped with ranch dressing from the fridge. Rips off a chunk of bread from the baguette she bought. The green beans are overcooked but edible. Lena picks at her meal while sitting at the silent kitchen island, with a full glass of wine to keep her company. One glass turns to two. By the time she’s loading the dishwasher she’s onto her third. She considers calling Kara. After all, that had been the plan for after Jenny left. Kara would jump at the chance to come cheer Lena up. But she doesn’t call Kara. She knows, with certainty, that just one look at Kara will make her dissolve into tears and she doesn’t want that. She’s not heartbroken about this. Not really. Just disappointed. And afraid. Afraid she’s doomed to live a life without a real romantic partnership. And afraid of the pressure that will put on her friendship with Kara. 

She takes her glass of wine, and the bottle, out to the balcony and curls up on a chaise longue with a blanket to watch the occasional star slip through the light pollution and clouds. Don’t think, she tells herself. Just don’t think about it. She’s on her fourth glass (or is it her fifth?) by the time she starts to doze off. Her eyelids feel so heavy. Her wine glass feels so heavy, where it dangles from her fingers. She had been trying to set it down, she remembers, mind groggy. But now, that few inches between the glass and the floor seems insurmountable. Drunken, heartsick sleep is settling down upon her. The wine glass isn’t in her hand anymore. A relief. She curls into herself.

At some point, minutes or hours later, Lena becomes vaguely aware of strong arms carrying her. Away from the cool night air and into the familiar warmth and scents of her penthouse; her bedroom. Then she’s being tucked under her soft comforter. The light switches off and she gratefully slips into a deep sleep, made deeper by the certainty that someone she trusts is nearby.

When the morning comes Lena opens her eyes to a piercing headache and murky sense of sadness. It takes her a minute to remember the events of the night before. Of Jenny leaving. Of being on the balcony as awareness slipped away. Of strong arms carrying her in.

“Hey,” Kara says, ruefully, from the doorway.

Lena squints at her. She’s holding a glass of water and while Lena is watching, Kara pushes off the doorframe she’d been leaning against and draws closer, hand outstretched. Lena takes the offered ibuprofen tablets gratefully and washes them down with a careful sip of water as her stomach lurches ominously.

“God,” she croaks, sinking back into her pillow and covering her eyes with her palms. “I must look like shit.”

She hears Kara chuckle as she sits down on the side of the bed and peeks out through her fingers. Kara is squinting her smiling eyes in that adorable way of hers. 

“Yeah…” she chuckles with an affectionate smile, “But it’s very cute on you.”

“Did I… call you?” Lena mumbles, skull throbbing.

Horror over what she may have said to Kara is beginning to dawn. Kara is silent for a moment. Lena can’t quite focus through the pain to see her expression.

“I was actually flying by. And saw you on the balcony,” she says lightly. “I stopped to say ‘Hi,’ but you were pretty out of it.”

A coincidental fly-by seems unlikely to Lena. More likely, Kara was worried when she never called and came to check on her. Her own golden, guardian angel.

“Please tell me I didn’t say anything… ridiculous,” Lena whispers, clenching her eyes shut.

“You didn’t say anything at all. But, did… did something happen? I haven’t seen you that drunk in a long time.” 

Lena’s bladder feels like a boulder inside her and she thinks the ibuprofen may be just beginning to shave the edges off her headache because a shower is seeming more and more doable. After she vomits, of course. She’s also terrified of Kara coming closer and smelling her, surely, rancid morning breath.

“I’ll tell you later,” she huffs, voice grating and rusted. “Right now I need to pee and shower.”

She begins to stir, and dislodge herself from the covers. When Kara stands to give her room to get up, Lena is gripped with a sudden and powerful urge to seize her hand and beg her not to leave. She almost does. But then she is sitting up, a sledgehammer pounding the inside of her skull while Kara hands her the water again.

“I’ll make some tea and toast,” she says softly, “Here, keep drinking this.”

Later, when Lena is clean and dressed in comfy sweatpants with her coziest sweater over top they curl up on her sofa with hot tea and lightly buttered toast.

“Ok,” Kara says, as if she’s calling a meeting to order, “What happened?”

Lena sighs. Her headache has receded to a full, queasy throb.

“Jenny broke up with me.”

“ What!? Is she insane?”

Lena chuckles to herself. Leave it to Kara to make her feel better instantly.

“Are you ok?” Kara continues, with a worried expression.

They are curled toward each other on the couch and Kara places one hand on Lena’s knee and the other on her arm. 

“What reason did she give?”

“Apparently,” Lena says; bone tired, “I’m not ‘emotionally available.’”

Another pause.

And then, sarcastic, “Wow.”

“Yeah,” Lena mutters, “Guess my Luther roots and power bitch persona shone through in the end.”

Kara’s face scrunches into a frown.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, cm’mon Kara, you know me better than anyone. I’m not exactly warm and fuzzy. It’s hard for me to let people in. To trust. To commit.”

You’re in love with someone else.

Kara just smiles softly and reaches to adjust Lena’s sweater to be more snug around her neck.

“Well, I happen to think you are very warm and fuzzy.”

The sentiment lands on Lena like rays of sun piercing through snow clouds.

“And you should listen to me,” Kara says, with a teasing grin, “After all, I do know you better than anyone.”

It’s so kind and sincere it brings tears to Lena’s eyes. She’s so grateful for Kara. To be sitting here with her; the focus of those sincere, blue eyes. She’s so heartsick she can’t stand it. Kara must see it on her face because her smile fades to concern and then she is pulling Lena against her, tucking the top of Lena’s head against her neck and clucking.

“Hey! Oh- hey… I’m sorry! I’m so sorry Lena.”

Lena lets out a sniffle. And then her sniffles turn to small sobs and the small sobs to big sobs. She grabs handfuls of Kara’s flannel shirt as the tears make their way down her face, against her wishes. 

“I’m here,” Kara murmurs, smoothing her hand over Lena’s hair. “I’m here. Just let it out.”

And she does. 

When she finally calms down enough to gain control over herself again, Kara loosens her hold, reaches for some tissues and smooths down Lena’s hair while she blows her nose and wipes her face. The shoulder of Kara’s shirt is damp with her tears.

“God, your shirt,” she says, congested and nasal, resting her fingers over the spot, “I’m sorry.”

Kara shrugs it off like it’s nothing.

“It’s just a shirt,” she says softly. 

And there’s something about her voice. Something Lena can’t quite place. 

“Feels like you’re a part of me now,” Kara continues, eyes dancing. “Maybe I’ll never wash it again.”

Lena chuckles a little but can’t quite look away. There’s something terribly intimate about Kara’s statement but she’s not quite sure what. Finally, Kara breaks the spell, grinning and pushing a piece of Lena’s hair behind her ear.

“Well. I think this calls for cheese balls. I can be back with them in 5 minutes if you wanna pick a movie?”

Lena feels the smile break over her face as if ice is cracking. Kara buys off-brand cheese puffs at the bargain store in bulk. Lena used to hate them but they’ve grown on her.

“Deal,” she says.

So they lounge around all day, snacking and watching tv. Kara brings her more ibuprofen when it starts to wear off and rubs her feet. Then Lena drifts off to sleep for a bit with her head in Kara’s lap, wondering, in what universe, she deserves this level of love and care. When she wakes up, the tv is on mute and Kara is making dinner, boping her head to some music she’s listening to in her AirPods. It’s probably taking all her strength to keep from singing along. The thought fills Lena with a swell of affection. Lena rubs her eyes and ambles over to the kitchen.

“What are you making?” she mumbles, with a yawn.

Kara spins, smile bright.

“Hey sleepyhead!” she says, as if she hasn’t seen Lena for weeks, instead of the brief time she’s been napping. “How was your nap?”

She sets her spoon down and pops her AirPods out. Lena‘s eyes widen.

“How long have I been out?” she asks, taking in what looks like a completely assembled lasagna that’s about to go in the oven and an assortment of washed and chopped vegetables. 

There’s a neatly folded stack of grocery bags at the end of the counter.

“Hmm,” Kara says, picking up the dish and opening the hot oven, “A little over an hour?”

She slides the dish onto the oven rack, shuts the door and sets the microwave timer.

“I was in the mood for lasagna, but I can order something if…”

“No,” Lena interrupts with a chuckle, “Lasagna sounds great. Excellent hangover food.”

“Oh, ok, good,” Kara says, rather shyly.

She begins to stack the sliced vegetables into a salad bowl and then, with a blur of motion, the salad is complete and pristine and covered with plastic wrap. Kara hums to herself and places it in the fridge to keep cool. Lena’s pulse flutters. It still catches her by surprise sometimes when Kara doesn’t conceal her Superspeed. It suddenly makes sense how Kara was able to throw all this together in mere minutes. At the sound of Lena’s pulse Kara’s head shoots up.

“Oh, did I startle you?” she exclaims, guiltily, “I’m sorry!” 

“No, it’s ok,” Lena says, sitting heavily at the counter. “Sometimes I forget but… I’m glad you feel comfortable being yourself around me.”

“Oh,” Kara says, “Ok. Good. Thanks. I’d actually cook the lasagna myself but the cheese doesn’t get as brown on top so…”

Lena laughs. Of course Kara has tried to cook lasagna with her heat vision before.

“No, this is great. I’ll enjoy the smell of it cooking.”

Kara draws closer and leans against the other side of the island.

“I’d pour you some wine but… you know,” her eyes dance and her lip disappears between her teeth.

Lena feels so… happy. She tips her chin in agreement.

“Good call. Thanks for making me dinner,” she says softly.

And she wonders if it’s her imagination that Kara’s eyes seem extra full of sparkle. Of care.

“That’s what friends are for,” she answers, just as softly.

And suddenly Lena becomes aware that they are caught in a strange moment. It sticks around her like a spider web. Kara’s golden hair is pulled half back. A few pieces have come loose and Lena longs to brush them back for her. The space between them feels too far. 

What is this? she wonders, as the skin all over her body tingles slightly. 

Is it her imagination that Kara’s cheeks are rosy? But the moment breaks. Kara clears her throat and goes to fill a glass of water. Lena goes to freshen up in the bathroom. And the rest of the night goes much the same as always. With one notable exception.

Over dinner Lena asks Kara how she’s doing. Really doing. 

“I’m sorry, darling,” she says softly, gazing at Kara over her small, white dining table, “I know that with my red light project, and Jenny, I didn’t stop to really check in with you. Not often enough.”

Kara looks at her so sweetly. So understanding.

“I get so focused on my projects sometimes,” she continues, regretfully, “I lose track of what really matters.”

She takes a healthy bite of the lasagna just in time for Kara to respond, curiously, “Is that what Jenny was? A project?”

Lena almost bites through her tongue. Because she had never once looked at it that way. But, then, Kara has always been the perceptive one. She takes the time to finish chewing carefully and swallowing while trying to formulate a response.

“I guess I never thought about it that way. But… perhaps. In a sense.”

She feels sheepish and starts to pick at her salad. Kara hums.

“Well… I understood,” she says softly. “It’s hard to be mad when you spent all that time making something for me . And, you know I just want you to be happy.”

Kara stabs her lasagna with her fork and begins to cut a piece off with her knife, continuing, “And I’m ok. But that doesn't mean it wasn’t surprisingly hard to get used to… not having you all to myself. But-”

“You want me all to yourself?” Lena interrupts, before she even realizes what she’s doing.

Kara’s eyes widen, almost imperceptibly. As if she regrets her choice of words. Her fork is poised halfway to her mouth.

“I want you to be happy,” she redirects, with a smile that is ever so slightly forced.

Lena allows it, gripping her own silverware a little more tightly. 

“You make me happy,” she says quietly.

Kara sets her fork down and looks away; takes a sip of water. She has that cute little crease between her eyebrows. Chills run down Lena’s spine. 

Looking up again Kara softly asks, “Do I?”

It’s almost a whisper. Lena regards her. It feels like they’re dancing on the edge of something again. She’s so afraid of misstepping. Of falling off.

“What are we talking about here, darling?” she asks, quietly.

For a moment Kara doesn’t move. Her blue eyes are full of… something. Then she shakes her head, as if to clear it.

“Nothing,” she says with a smile, “I’m sorry. I’m just … tired and introspective. Here, let me take your plate.”

And then she’s bustling away, turning her back to Lena, calling over her shoulder, “Would you like ice cream? I got your favorite!”

——-

Kara is so attentive to Lena, in the wake of the breakup; like she’s afraid Lena will fall apart. It hurts sometimes, that Kara wanted her to have a relationship with someone else so badly, even as all the time they spend together heals Lena. Kara, for her part, seems happy to have that time. Which is good. Because Lena wants her to be happy. She dotes over Lena with game and movie nights just for them, featuring all Lena’s favorite snacks and drinks, and stopping by wherever she’s working mid-day to drop off coffee or lunch. As if Lena is supposed to be too grief stricken to eat. Lena finds that she isn’t grieving Jenny so much as the idea of a romantic relationship. And spending so much time with Kara; getting so much extra attention from her is such a joy that it’s hard to be too sad. Except when it isn’t.

Late one evening Kara finds Lena hunched over a workbench in the engineering lab at the DEO.

“It’s late,” Kara says, into the quiet stillness of the empty workroom.

Shocked nearly out of her skin, Lena shrieks and whips around to face the intruder. Kara looks so sheepish at Lena’s wide eyes and spiked heart rate that Lena kind of feels bad for her.

“Sorry,” she whispers, wincing. “I forget how quiet I can be.”

Clutching her chest Lena gasps, “Completely silent is more accurate.”

Kara clucks and puts her hands on Lena’s shoulders. 

“Awww, poor you,” she murmurs, with a chuckle, pulling Lena into a hug. “Your heart is racing.”

Her Super Suit is scratchy against Lena’s cheek but Lena sinks gratefully into it.”

“Cm’mon,” Kara murmurs. “I’m taking you home. Pack up.”

Lena sighs fondly, meeting Kara’s eyes.

“Yes ma’am.”

Something sparks in Kara’s eyes and her face goes a little slack for a fraction of a second. A micro expression and then it’s gone. But it slices into Lena for some reason; leaves her searching Kara’s face for more. Kara clears her throat and looks away.

“Can I help you grab your stuff?” she asks, voice a bit high, casting about for Lena’s things.

“Oh. Ehm…” Lena turns back toward her worktable and begins to gather her things and clean up. “My jacket’s just over there on the coat rack,” she calls, over her shoulder.

God her shoulders are so tight. It always sneaks up on her when she’s working late like this. She needs to remember to lower her stool when she sits at this table. She rubs at one shoulder and stretches her neck to the side while putting tools away with her other hand. There’s a scuff of a shoe behind her; Kara trying not to sneak up on her. Lena smiles softly to herself.

“Are you ok?” Kara asks softly, from right behind her.

“Oh…” Lena murmurs, distracted with making a note in her log. “It’s nothing. Just tight shoulders.”

She closes the log, stows it on the shelf above the table and is about to spin her chair around when she feels warm hands resting gently on her shoulders. 

“I’ll rub them for you,” Kara says sweetly. 

Lena freezes. 

“Oh, that’s sweet Kara. But you don’t have-“

Her sentence breaks off with a small, embarrassing sound, that is far too close to a whimper for Lena’s taste, when Kara somehow zeros in on the exact location of her worst knots and presses. She lets out a long shaky exhale and melts a little.

“Don’t worry about it,” Kara says, voice light, “I’m really good.”

“Ok,” Lena says, voice small, as Kara repeats the gentle, digging pressure.

It is very good.

“Oh-“ Kara says. “Here. We should put your hair up first.”

“Oh. Yeah,” Lena  breathes, and digs through her bag but Kara has zipped away and back before she can find anything.

The next thing Lena knows, Kara is running fingers through her hair, searing tingling trails of sensation across Lena’s scalp. Lena closes her eyes and bites her lip as Kara gathers her hair into a ponytail. Her entire scalp is alive with electricity that is radiating down her body. It’s almost unbearable. 

“Your hair’s so soft,” Kara marvels, as she finishes.

Lena lets out a shaky sigh. Trying to keep it together.

“What kind of pressure do you like?”

“Oh. Uh… firm between my shoulder blades,” Lena says, dazed, “Careful everywhere else.”

Kara doesn’t say anything, just lays her warm hands over Lena’s shoulders and begins to probe her muscles; getting the lay of the land. The gentle contact is maddening. Kara’s hands are on her body. And her skin is on fire. And her heart is beginning to ache. Shit.

“Lena!” Kara exclaims, palpating across the tops of Lena’s shoulders and up her neck. “These are some serious knots! Are you ok?”

Lena chuckles, “I’m fine. I’m used to-“

Kara chooses that moment to return to the spots between her shoulder blades and press, precise and firm. Lena gasps.

“Oh my god,” she all but wheezes.

“Is it ok?” Kara asks, pausing.

“Yes!” Lena blurts, desperate for Kara to not stop. “Just- you’re right. You are really good at this.”

She can practically hear Kara’s smile as she digs her thumbs into the same spots. An intense feeling of relief and exhilaration floods Lena’s system, starting from the points of contact with Kara’s thumbs. It makes her a bit breathless and she has to focus on taking deep slow breaths as Kara’s thumbs begin to move in slow, digging circles, kneading the spasming muscles. Lena melts. And all she knows for a time is the intensity of the sensations flooding her body and the overwhelming relief as Kara’s fingers coax her muscles to submit. They do submit. As Lena’s arms go slack on the table and her head begins to sag between her shoulders. Kara’s thumbs have shifted upward in their track up the inside of each shoulder blade and the tips of her fingers are brushing the bare skin of Lena’s neck. It’s so much , and Lena is so unprepared. Her eyes begin to water as she struggles to keep her ragged breaths from stopping all together. 

“Still ok?” Kara asks, softly.

It takes a while for the words to wind their way into Lena’s mind. She takes a deep breath.

“Yes,” she wheezes.

Her voice sounds almost pained to her own ears and she blushes. Overcome and out of control.

“I-“ she tries again.

A squeak. A breath.

“You’re-“ 

Kara chuckles and continues her work. 

“I’ve got you,” she whispers. 

Lena feels the statement everywhere. She sags more deeply into her elbows, clit throbbing. She feels so exposed. As if Kara will somehow know. But she’s so beyond caring. Beyond self-control. She feels a warmth between her legs and realizes she’s wet.

Christ, she thinks.

Then Kara’s warm, soft hands are on the tops of her shoulders, squeezing so gently and carefully, just like Lena had said. She blinks back the dampness in her eyes.

Then Kara is saying, “Here, lean back. Lean your weight on me,” and guiding Lena to sit up and tilt her head back, against Kara’s body.

The position is intimate and Lena squeezes her eyes shut. She’s not sure if she’d be able to see Kara or not. Whether Kara would be looking down at her. She’s not even sure exactly where on Kara’s torso her head is resting as Kara works her fingers so carefully into the small, tricky muscles that connect Lena’s neck to her shoulders. Distantly, Lena thinks that she can’t risk any further exposure, as her body and mind rest so heavily in Kara’s hands. So she keeps her eyes shut and  focuses on her shaky breathing and the sensation of Kara’s fingers on the bare skin of her neck and tries to ignore the way her nipples and clit burn with longing.

It’s all so unbearably good. 

Her heart aches.

Just when she thinks she’s going to lose control and begin to cry, Kara descends to her shoulder blades again which gives her the chance to slump forward onto the high table, placing her forehead on her hands. Kara clucks; sympathetic. And doesn’t see the tear slip down Lena’s cheek. 

Lena kind of loses touch with reality for a bit after that. Maybe she falls asleep. Or maybe she goes into some sort of meditative state. But at some point she becomes aware of Kara rousing her and holding a glass of water out for her to take.

“You should drink this,” Kara murmurs, a hand on Lena’s back. “So you won’t be sore.”

Lena takes it gratefully and takes a few swigs. Something tells her she’ll be sore anyway.

“Are you crying?!” Kara asks, leaning over her, suddenly worried.

Lena brushes at her face and sniffs. Shit.

“Oh,” she mumbles.

God her voice sounds wrecked.

Glancing away and trying to wipe her cheeks dry, she mumbles, “That’s… normal for me. It’s because it was a really good massage.”

It’s a lie. Maybe Kara senses it, if the crease between her eyebrows is any indication. But she doesn’t push it further. Just gathers Lena’s things and then gathers Lena into her arms before walking them to the balcony and taking off into the cool night. Lena rests her head helplessly against Kara’s neck and drifts on the waves of post-massage bliss and heartache that mingle together until they’re one and the same; a bittersweet sea, taking her under. 

The next thing she knows, Kara is helping her out of her jacket and guiding her through her apartment and into her room. Lena sits heavily on the edge of her bed, emotionally and physically exhausted. Kara seems to be kneeling in front of her, taking her shoes off. Her blonde hair is streaming around her shoulders in rivers and her blue eyes are catching the light from the window and she’s breathtaking . Lena’s heart does a wild little flutter and Kara’s gaze snaps to hers. And there’s a moment. Where time sort of freezes and the world goes silent around them. Lena can feel that her face is open. Too open. Revealing too much. But she can’t stop it. And for a moment Kara looks… it’s like she sees it. Like she takes it into herself and tucks it away. 

And then, “Here,” Kara’s helping her shrug out of her blazer and blurring to her closet and back. 

She stands in front of Lena. Too close. With the utmost care she unwinds the elastic band from Lena’s ponytail and slowly releases her hair, fanning it out with her fingers. Lena’s nerve endings crackle. As Kara is taking out Lena’s earrings with nimble fingers, and unfastening her necklace, it occurs to Lena that Kara might be intending to undress her completely. And that she would let her. Unequivocally and with no questions asked. She shivers. It’s dangerous, the completeness with which Kara owns her heart. Her body. How unaware of it she is.

Help, Lena prays, to no one in particular, as Kara unfastens her watch, fingers lingering on the fragile skin of Lena’s wrist.

But when she sets the watch on the bedside table and turns back to Lena she stops suddenly, a hand on Lena’s knee. As if catching herself on the edge of something. She opens her mouth and seems to search for words and then blurs away, and back, holding Lena’s pajamas. Kneeling, Kara places them on the bed next to Lena, a little too quickly. 

“I’ll give you privacy,” she whispers. “Do you want me to stay?”

Lena gazes into Kara’s face and feels the supernova of her love swelling inside of her. Kara’s eyebrows draw together. She bites her lip. Then Lena’s hand is there, cupping Kara’s jaw and encouraging her lip away from her teeth with a gentle tug of her thumb. Self-destructive in nature, Lena runs her thumb over the very corner of Kara’s mouth. Just a moment of indulgence. Kara freezes and Lena drops her hand. 

“Sorry,” she says, folding her hands in her lap, “I’ve got it from here,” folding the supernova more deeply within herself, “Thank you. For everything.”

Kara looks hesitant. 

“Ok,” she says, and stands. “I’ll see you later?”

“Of course,” Lena says, beaming helplessly at Kara.

And then a small, shy smile is quirking Kara’s lips and she is bending over, a little awkwardly, to hug Lena. And there’s the briefest moment of… sweetness, on her cheek. Sensation.

“Ok,” Kara says breathlessly, waving a little. “Bye.”

And then she’s gone in a blur of motion leaving Lena staring at the spot she’d been standing. Kara had kissed her cheek.

Lena’s fragile heart inches further out onto the tightrope of hope.

________________

End Note:

Hate to admit but it might be true

Hate to admit but I think you knew

Hate to be lame but I might love you

It's always on the tip of my tongue

But I stop myself from sayin' it

Tell myself it's not the right time or something dumb

But then you kiss me like you do

And we're right back where we started from

-hate to be lame, Lizzie McAlpine

Chapter Text

Lena comes back to her body with a deep gasp of air. The candle flame in front of her has gone out. What a strange meditation. She had been in so deep, but now it’s all a bit hazy. Her body is stirring from a relaxed heaviness, as if she has been asleep. She tries to focus. To remember. As usual the ancestors and the spirits were whispering, whispering; in strange languages she could not understand. There was a light in the dark; a bright ball of light that she took into her hands. She peered at it, trying to see inside. Then she woke up from the trance. She takes the strangeness of the trance with her as she goes to get ready for Nia’s party. Definitely something to ask Florence about, the next time they talk.

______________________

When Kara walks into Lena’s penthouse with her hair in fucking braids, Lena almost turns around and walks out. 

It’s been a long week. Not because of work. Things with Kara have been… different; intense; and mystifying. It’s Kara materializing beside her at the DEO and placing a warm hand on her lower back. It’s their hands brushing as they walk through the park, and this time, this time, the backs of their fingers too. As if they are both reaching for each other. Reaching for more. Longing to lace their fingers together. It’s the way it feels reciprocal. It’s… the way Kara looks at her now. And the way it makes Lena’s whole body throb with desire. It’s the way they don’t talk about it. It’s in the heavy tension that wraps around them when Kara sleeps over. Because now, Kara sleeps over. 

In the short span of the few weeks since Jenny dumped her, this has become something of a regular occurrence. Lena still can’t quite accept the fact that it is happening at all, let alone wrap her head around how it began in the first place. It seems to have really been quite simple. They were watching a movie on Lena’s gigantic tv, a few days after the breakup. The movie ended up being longer than either of them expected and they kept agreeing to watch for “10 more minutes,” and then turn it off and watch the rest later. But 10 minutes became 20 and 20 became 30. And then they were yawning and smiling at each other, sleepy and sheepish. 

“Whew!” Kara yawned, with a full body stretch Lena had to look away from, “I’m sooo tired.”

Lena’s body was heavy against the couch cushions and her eyes had long since become difficult to keep open.

“Wanna sleep over?” she sighed, before she could second guess herself.

There was a beat in which Lena realized what she said. She remembered what happened last time and felt instantly wide awake. 

But Kara just smiled and said, “Yeah, thanks!”

The next thing Lena knew they were curled up on opposite sides of a wide expanse of mattress, facing each other in the dark; a huge chasm in between their bodies but a shared, cozy warmth, under the blankets, that made Lena’s heart hum. Then it just kept happening. 

Sometimes, they wake up almost touching. Always, they wake closer; their bodies migrating toward each other in the night. And there was that one, singular, morning Lena woke to the feeling of Kara’s warm foot, resting against her calf. She lay there, unmoving, until Kara finally stirred and pulled her foot away. It’s not enough. None of it is ever enough. But it’s not nothing, either. Lena sleeps deeply and wakes wet and throbbing, with Kara’s scent in her lungs. She can’t help wondering if she’s imagining Kara’s shy smiles and refusal to so much as glance below Lena’s neck, at her bare legs and thin t-shirt. It can’t be in Lena’s head. Can it? But every time it seems like maybe something will happen to break this strange spell, life just bumbles along as always and Lena’s left wondering if she’s imagining things.

The result is that Lena’s hanging by a thread. Getting herself off in any stolen, private moment she can find. To thoughts of Kara. Which makes her feel like shit. But she’s so keyed up and wanting from all the lingering glances, the heated silences, the extra touches… The energy has shifted. Just, not enough for her to actually call it out. It means she has either completely lost her mind (finally,) or… that her feelings are not entirely one-sided. The thought feels preposterous! Anxious and strung out, Lena feels like she wants to run away from the intense pressure of it but will die if she isn’t drawing closer, ever closer, to Kara and whatever may be happening between them. She feels like she’s on a roller coaster. But is she on her way up, down, or in that brief, timeless tipping point before everything changes? That’s the question. 

So when Kara arrives at Lena’s penthouse, to pick her up for Nia’s party, with her hair in braids, Lena feels like she’s going to dissolve into a puddle of unsatisfied desire and frustration. Because Kara’s hair has always been a “thing,” for her. And Kara’s hair in loose, effortless braids is enough to send heat oozing through her body, straight to her clit. Fuck. Lena resolves to leave the party as soon as she can politely manage and come straight home for some quality time with a glass of wine and her vibrator.

“You look beautiful,” is all she says as Kara wraps her in a warm, Kara-scented embrace.

They decide to take a Lyft, since Lena has a couple boxes of cupcakes to take and the fall days are beginning to shift  to winter. An early snow is threatening; too cold for human skin to be comfortable flying through the air.

Lena has just finished slipping on her coat when Kara, who is holding the bakery bag in one hand and peering at her phone, exclaims, “Oh! The Lyft is here already. C'mon!” 

Then she pockets her phone, and grabs Lena’s hand.

And then… she doesn’t let go. As she tugs Lena down the hall and the penthouse door clicks shut behind them. As they walk into the elevator and Lena presses the ground floor button. As they chat quietly and laugh, they keep holding hands. It’s soft and natural; skin pressed against skin and fingers laced loosely together. Lena wouldn’t have thought it could be natural but, somehow, it is. It’s happened before, of course; a brief, friendly hand-hold for comfort, during a difficult or emotional time. But never like this. Never this casual, magical, prolonged connection. Lena feels her cheeks and lips tingle pleasantly from the tenderness. And Kara looks… so soft. And open. 

A strange awareness begins to rise in Lena; an impossible-to-name sense of certainty that rushes up on her like a wave. It feels like premonition; a feature of Lena’s witchiness that she is becoming increasingly more cognizant of. It feels like that trance, from earlier. It’s a side-step outside of intellect and the physical world. It’s: the ability to see and sense those glowing, weighted, pivot moments in the murky haze of time. Those moments in life that affect everything around them; like dominos cascading outward in every direction; past, present and future. She’s been slowly learning to feel out and find these moments, in her daily meditation practice. Of course it’s easier said than done. The past is one thing… but the future? She can’t look into those moments, not really. Or even tell where they are in the timeline. She’s tried. They are hardly more than shadow and light in the distance to Lena and, she suspects, most other witches as well. But now…. now, yes, she can feel it. As she and Kara meander through the spotless lobby, hand in hand; and then through the grand doors; Lena’s body begins to hum with it. There’s something coming. Something golden and thick. Something to be approached with loose hands and… yes, acceptance. Faith. Time feels slow around Lena as she steps into the car and pulls the door shut behind herself. 

Will it be bad? she asks herself.

The only answer she gets is the stark awareness that she is not afraid.

“Are you ok?” Kara’s soft voice says from right beside her. “You look kind of… zoned out.”

Lena’s vision snaps to Kara and everything around her comes into sharp focus. There’s something about Kara’s eyes just now. Something that is tethered to this phenomenon. It draws Lena in and she finds herself searching, searching for more in the blue depths.

“I’m fine,” she says, almost a whisper. “Just thinking.”

Kara smiles with her eyes and Lena gets lost in them immediately. But the eye contact becomes too intense and they glance away, at the same time, to gaze out their respective windows. Lena can see Kara’s reflection in hers and watches Kara nibble her lip; sees Kara’s hand inch, slow, uncertain, into the space between them; resting on the seat. Lena breathes deeply, somehow; pulse even, and follows the thread leading her through time. She feels so alive. Without looking, Lena places her own hand next to Kara’s and inches the tip of her pinky to touch the tip of Kara’s. Is it her imagination or is Kara’s chest moving up and down more rapidly in the reflection of the window? They are pressing their pinkies together now. Lena knows with certainty that it’s mutual. She wades further into the moment and loosely tangles their pinky and ring fingers together. And then slowly… or is it… fast..? Kara turns her palm and the rest of their fingers weave with an excruciatingly beautiful slide of skin on skin. Lena turns, slow; so slow, and regards their loosely joined hands, palms not even touching. With her thumb she strokes Kara’s wrist. Kara’s head turns with a blur of motion and Lena glances at the driver, to see if he noticed, but he’s busy watching the red light. He reaches to change the radio station, and turn the volume up. There’s a question in Kara’s eyes and Lena feels the thread, feels it pulling her through the ocean of time. There’s a song on the radio, an older pop song she hasn’t heard in a while.

Tonight, take me to the other side,

Sparks fly like the Fourth of July,

Take me to the other side…

A somewhat cheesy, upbeat song about friends falling for each other. And even this random song belongs here, in this moment. Lena breathes deeply; relaxed and aware and completely present. Kara’s eyes search her face; darting and intense. Lena gazes back at her and says nothing. There’s nothing to say. Not now. Not yet. Their palms draw together; a velvet press of skin. And Lena looks back out the window.

______

When they get to Nia’s building there’s a small crowd of people making their way up the stairs to her apartment, single file, and the moment Kara had been hoping for, to rejoin her hand with Lena’s; to recapture that intense, terrifying, wonderful moment from the Lyft, never materializes. She can hear the music before they even reach the landing and they exchange a knowing smile. Nia has a lot of friends. And most of them are at least ten years younger than either of them. The bass reverberates through Kara’s feet as they follow the couple in front of them down the hall to Nia’s door, dodging someone in a purple sequin dress and neon pink faux fur coat, who’s coming the other way. Kara takes a breath and centers herself so that her Super senses don’t get the best of her. 

“Ready?” Lena asks, with a wry smile.

Kara grins and follows Lena through the door. After stowing their coats in Nia’s bedroom and greeting a few friends and acquaintances they finally find Nia, fiddling with the speaker and music selection.

“Hi! You’re here!” she says, with a blinding smile, and wraps them into an affectionate group hug. Then she adds, mischievously, “My favorite duo.”

Kara shoots her a warning look, as they separate, and Nia bats her eyelashes innocently. Brainy materializes beside them with a flute glass of champagne and nods at them, in greeting. 

“I will take it from here, my love,” he says, handing her the glass and angling for the laptop that’s controlling the music.

But Nia pulls it out of his reach with a laugh, saying, “Ohh no you don’t! Just because I’m a little drunk doesn’t mean you get to play old, cheesy Top 40.”

He tilts his head, unconvinced.

“Yet,” he says.

Nia smiles, and concedes, “Yet.” Then, linking her arm through his, “Now, come dance with me.”

“Your wish is my command,” he says charmingly, and takes her hand, with a slight bow.

“You know, you two are getting very lovey dovey lately,” Lena jokes, with a pointed look. “It’s actually kind of sickening.”

A grin that can only be described as wicked spreads over Nia’s face and Kara knows, with sick certainty, what’s coming.

“Ugh, like you and Kara are any better,” she says, with a wink, and steers Brainy toward the living room/dance floor.

Kara stares after them, gaping, and reluctantly turns toward Lena, who is also looking quite stunned. 

Lena turns her wide eyes to meet Kara’s and says, “drink?”

“Yeah,” Kara agrees.

After locating some wine (for Lena,) and soda (for Kara,) they make the rounds for a couple hours, separately and together, catching up with friends and acquaintances and meeting new people. Lena appears to have a fascinating conversation about the energy and climate costs of the world’s increasing AI usage with one of Brainy’s chess club buddies. Kara runs into a few former coworkers and learns that two of them got engaged. Yvette insists on a group photo of all 40+ people in the apartment and then somehow pulls it off, by standing in the far corner of the room, on a chair, and angling her phone just right. Afterward the entire apartment cheers and then dissolves into a more raucous mix of dancing bodies and people talking or sitting close to each other. Nia gets progressively more drunk (it is her birthday after all,) and the music gets turned up; the lights, turned down. Lena passes around the cupcakes and everyone devours them with the guiltless delight of people under the influence of alcohol. Kara has 3.

Regardless of who she’s talking to, and how far away from Lena she is, Kara doesn’t stop thinking about her for an instant. Lena; pretty and regal, as she glides around the room, in spite of the bawdy surroundings. Kara thinks about the hand holding. About the way Lena had briefly stroked her wrist in the car, fingernails painted a dark, gleaming burgundy. And the shivery way it had lit Kara’s body on fire. She thinks about the question in Lena’s eyes these past couple weeks. About the question she asked the other night: “What are we talking about here darling?” Kara knows. Thinks she has the answer, but she can barely dare voice the possibility; the request, even to herself.

And then Lena is next to her, arm brushing arm, and she laughs when she looks at Kara’s face; then brings her thumb up to brush a bit of icing from the corner of Kara’s mouth. It reminds Kara of the night Lena let her massage her shoulders. Of the impossibly wonderful feeling of Lena’s body under her hands. Of the soft, brain melting sounds she had made. Sounds Kara hasn’t been able to get out of her head since. Sounds that reverberate inside her skull on the nights she doesn’t sleep at Lena’s; as she squirms and sighs and comes, in the darkness of her own bed. And, obviously, the way Lena had touched her mouth, right before they said goodbye. 

But all of these thoughts drain, instantly, from Kara’s head because Lena brings her icing smeared thumb up to her burgundy lips and sucks the icing off. Time stands still. Kara gulps. And Lena sees it. And licks the icing off her lips with the pink tip of her tongue.

“Dance?” Lena mouths, over the music, with a tilt of her head. 

Kara nods eagerly; anything to break this tension. 

They dance. First with others, loose and lighthearted. Then just with each other. Until their silly antics fade to something more serious and physical. Until, in an attempt to cool down, Lena pulls her sweater off, and pulls her hair up, leaving her in just a thin camisole that showcases her shoulders, collarbones and throat. And, her cleavage. Kara swallows roughly, and averts her eyes. Lena’s cheeks are pink from wine and body heat. Her dimples make frequent appearances as they dance; and as the night wears on her flirty smiles and touches turn into something more liquid and sensual. There’s an anonymity that comes with everyone around you being drunk. As the party gets rowdier, they don’t leave. As the bass begins to vibrate the air, they don’t leave. As the temperature begins to soar from the dancing bodies, they don’t leave. They stay, long past when everyone else over the age of 30 has left. 

They stay.

The crowd presses in close. Kara and Lena’s bodies fit even closer. Until Lena’s hands are resting on Kara’s hips. And Kara’s arms wind their way, daringly, over the tops of Lena’s shoulders, forearms resting on her smooth skin. As their skin grows glossy. And their expressions dazed. Lena’s hair has gotten frizzy, along her hairline, from the humidity. Unthinking, Kara runs a thumb over the place where the inky strands meet the thin skin of her temple. Lena’s eyelashes flutter closed. She does the same thing, on the other side, and Lena tilts her face into Kara’s hand. When her eyes open, they are smoldering. Her lips are dark and full. Her fingertips dig, a little, into the flesh of Kara’s hips and Kara feels… breathless; alive. She feels herself sway closer; They’re touching in so many places now: hips and shoulders and arms. And it’s hard to tell, over the loud music, but Kara’s pretty sure Lena’s heart is long past racing. She looks almost dazed as she meets Kara’s eyes. They’re not even dancing now; just standing in this moment, caught up in each other. Kara’s heart is trying to beat its way out of her chest.

Then- Brainy must finally get his hands on the music selection because that song… That freaking song from the Lyft! 

In the beginning,

I never thought it would be you…

The dancers around them get sillier with the music change. More boisterous. Kara’s head clears, with a jolt of adrenaline. She had almost kissed Lena. Lena is watching her panic; watching too closely. Her hands stiffen on Kara’s hips.

But we got closer,

Soon you were eating off my spoon,

“I’m gonna go get some water,” Kara croaks and tears herself away, turning.

Lena’s hand snags Kara’s wrist, pulling her to a stop and Kara pauses; turns. She feels panicked. Overwhelmed. Lena’s eyes are pleading; asking that same question they’ve been asking for weeks.

Tonight we’ll just get drunk,

Disturb the peace,

Run your hands all over me…

“I need some water,” Kara states; her authoritative, Supergirl mask slipping into place; putting up a wall.

Lena flinches and Kara hates it. So she runs.

Tonight, take me to the other side,

Sparks fly like the 4th of July,

Kara weaves through bodies until she can escape through the front door, into the slightly quieter hallway. Even as she closes the door she feels Lena’s eyes following her. Her body is pacing before she even knows what’s happening and she tries, desperately, to calm her fluttering chest. Because Kara thinks she is starting to understand the question in Lena’s eyes. And Lena deserves everything. All the questions and all the answers. But, while Kara knows the simple truth of her own heart, she doesn’t know how to explain the fear of abandonment. The fear of rejection. The imposter syndrome. She could swear Lena’s waiting for her. Waiting for her to say what’s wrong. Waiting for her to make a move. Waiting for her. 

Kiss me like it’s do or die…

Her chest feels tight. It’s like Lena is handing her an ornately complex, crystal vase. Their relationship is a heavy object of beauty crafted with love and fire; guarded, mutually and fiercely, all this time. Lena is handing it to her and inviting her to smash it. To see what they might build anew. Risk upon risk upon risk. Kara’s head spins and she braces herself against the wall. Because how can she be sure? How can she be sure? That Lena wants her to break the spell? That Lena wants her? Or will Lena see Kara’s desire for her as a betrayal? She trusted Kara with the knowledge of her sexuality. She trusted Kara with her friendship. How will she feel knowing that, while her guard has been down, Kara has been… lusting after her? Dreaming about her. Wanting her.

It could be perfect,

But we won’t know unless we try…

Kara thinks of Lena touching her mouth, so softly. How her own body had responded as if every cell were bursting to life. The way she had kissed Lena’s cheek. How right it had felt. It’s so big. This thing is so vast and powerful that it actually frightens her. Terrifies her. Pursuing it would be crazy, right? Playing with fire. But if what she suspects is true… if Lena wants her too… then not pursuing it… not at least addressing it… could be catastrophic. She leans her forehead against the scuffed drywall, then turns and sinks against it, as the song assaults her.

I see that sexy look in your eyes and I know we ain’t friends anymore,

If we walk down this road we’ll be lovers for sure

God, this stupid, freaking song. The door opens with a loud wave of sound and her eyes fly open. Lena’s there, just a dozen feet away, hand on the doorknob and eyes on Kara. Kara can hardly breathe. She’s so beautiful. Dark and light. Strong and fragile. A witch. A Phoenix. A goddess. An impossible creature. Green eyes blazing. 

“You ok?” Lena asks carefully.

“Yeah,” Kara rasps.

Tonight, take me to the other side

“I thought you left.”

Lena comes closer and Kara’s eyes track every move. When she’s just a few feet away she stops. Her eyes search Kara; dissect her. She can see it, Kara knows she can. Their hearts are racing and the beat is pounding. Lena takes her hand.

“What is it darling?” Lena asks, so softly.

We ain’t friends anymore,

If we walk down this road we’ll be lovers for sure

“Whatever it is,” Lena continues, so earnest and full of care, “We can figure it out toge-“

“Do you ever…” 

The words are out before Kara can stop them. The base from the music pounds in her temples and she presses her lips shut.

“What?” Lena pleads.

Kiss me like it’s do or die…

Kara drops her head to stare at her shoes, searching, searching for the courage. She can’t find it. She’s grasping in the dark. Desperate. She hears a nervous chuckle escape her throat and raises her head; weak. Lena’s lips are red and full. Her eyes are smoldering. 

Take me to the other side

Kiss me like it’s do or die

Take me to the other side

Lightheaded, she hears herself say, “Do you ever feel like… maybe… we’re supposed to be more than friends?”

Lena freezes. Her face goes slack. In the blink of an eye, the tension between them tightens like a thick rope twisting them together. The bass is thumping and Kara is shaking. Lena steps closer, eyes piercing her. There are only inches between their bodies.

Kara’s voice is a whisper when she says, “Maybe we were supposed to be more… all along.”

Lena’s chest heaves once with a deep gulp of air and her expression is so full of… longing. Kara knows that’s what it is. She steps closer, until their clothes are brushing, chests only millimeters apart. And, Kara can’t breathe. 

We ain’t friends anymore…

“Yes,” Lena says, emotion shining in her eyes.

Kara’s eyes dance all over Lena’s face. As it gets closer. As Lena takes her other hand. The tension is unbearable. Lena’s throat flicks, with a swallow.

“Kiss me,” she whispers; a shaky plea.

“I’m so scared,” Kara whispers back, heart racing. Beat pounding.

Lena’s look is all empathy. All care. A warm tear slips down Kara’s cheek and Lena’s eyebrows quirk with concern.

Kiss me like it’s do or die…

“I’m so afraid of losing you again,” Kara confesses, hearing the crack in her own voice; hearing this deepest truth, for the first time.

Searching, searching Lena’s eyes. Her face. For certainty. For safety. 

“I know,” Lena says, brushing Kara’s tear away with careful fingers, “Me too.”

She’s so close. And so, so beautiful; porcelain and ruby and black silk and light shining through leaves . And Kara wants her so much. And loves her. And, in the end… sometimes you just have to leap.

Kiss me like it’s do or die

Take me to the other side

Kara tips her face just that little bit further forward, and their lips slot together. Like they belong there. Together. Touching. 

It’s soft, and new and electric. And it changes everything. Lena whimpers and grasps Kara’s shoulders, pulling herself closer. Kara feels the sound in her chest. A ripple of electricity runs over her skin. It’s a soft, somewhat tentative thing; this kiss. A slow press and then receding of lips. But sparks explode from the points of contact and overwhelm Kara’s body. She gasps and presses her lips to Lena’s again. Cups her face. Lena’s hands slide up to her neck; lighting Kara on fire. And then… Lena is tilting her head… and pressing a skillful, silken kiss to Kara’s mouth; flicking her tongue against Kara’s upper lip, and the tip of Kara’s tongue. Kara’s brain dissolves into static and she hears herself moan, distantly; undone. She feels hot all over. And cold. Lena is very, very good at this. Of course she is. 

We ain’t friends anymore,

If we walk down this road we’ll be lovers for sure,

Lena presses her into the wall and kisses her again. Kara melts. As Lena angles her head the other way this time. And Lena’s hands are holding the sides of Kara’s head; loosely, so loosely like she’s afraid of somehow hurting Kara; as their lips begin to slide together; sighing when Kara’s mouth drops open, to receive her; as their hands shift over each other restlessly. It’s so overwhelming that Kara can only process it in flashes: the curve of Lena’s lower back under her hands. And the dip of Lena’s spine. The silken slide of her tongue. Lena’s hands are so much hotter than usual, Kara thinks, as they splay against the back of her shoulders and curl into the fabric of her shirt. Her own hands cup Lena’s sharp, delicate jaw like it’s made of glass. The moment builds and it builds and it builds; lips sliding; with Lena’s pounding pulse overpowering the background noise, like a heavy rain falling all around them; as the distant pop song fades to some experimental, electronic music they are both far too old for. Someone else must’ve gotten their hands on the music.

The door bursts open and they jump apart. It’s a random guy from the party. Not someone they know. He ducks his head and scurries down the hall. But the mood has broken. The new song is discordant and overwhelming to Kara’s fried senses. Lena is watching her; open and vulnerable. Scared. Hungry. Her dark lipstick is smudged all around her mouth. It’s probably on Kara’s face too. The thought is unbearably sexy. 

Kara takes her hand.

“C’mon.”

She leads Lena out of the building and scoops her into the sky. Up, up, till they’re above the clouds. Stars explode around them and Lena gasps, eyes on fire with white, reflected light. The stars are crystal clear and glorious and Lena takes it all in for a moment before shifting her gaze back to Kara. And for a moment they just stare at each other. Taking each other in, in a different way than ever before. Not as friends, but as… more. A more that is, apparently, impossibly, reciprocal.

“Are you ok?” Lena asks, speaking loud to be heard over the rushing wind.

Her arms are tight around Kara’s neck and her ponytail is snapping on the air currents. Kara’s hair never seems to be as affected by the elements as other peoples. It floats around her and she easily angles them to minimize any hair whipping into their faces.

“Are you?” Kara replies, gently. “I’m worried about your heart.”

It’s true in every regard. Lena’s eyes flash. Her body is light in Kara’s arms, even as gravity tugs at it. It’s always felt good to hold Lena like this; even from the very first time. But none of those times compares to this.

Lena smirks, angles her sharp jaw until her mouth is close to Kara’s ear and says, “I’ll live,” lips grazing, voice all smoke.

Kara shivers. 

They kiss again. And again, and again, and again. Until Kara feels Lena squirm a little, pressing her thighs together. It’s very subtle but the significance rockets through Kara, reminding her how real this is. How dangerous. Her stomach does a flip. She should think about the ramifications of all this. Should maybe think about talking. But right now this is all there is. It feels like everything between them has led to this: Her tongue in Lena’s mouth and Lena gripping tightly to the collar of Kara’s shirt. Lena’s sweet, soft smell and something new: her taste. Rao, Kara wants to taste her everywhere. The thought makes her flush hot from head to toe. But Lena is shivering a bit. Her nose is cold where it touches Kara’s cheek. Kara remembers that Lena is human, and starts to descend from their starry, chilly heights. 

The brilliant sky fades to the hazy, dim glow of urban nighttime. And without fully planning to, she realizes she has flown Lena home and is touching down on her balcony. It’s something they’ve done a hundred times but this time Lena clings to her in a way that is all together new, keeping them chest-to-chest as Kara lowers Lena’s legs to the ground. 

“Are you coming in?” Lena murmurs against Kara’s lips, then bites her own.

“Yeah,” Kara whispers back, unable to look away from Lena’s mouth.

Lena leads her to the door, scans them in, and then leads her to the couch. Kara thought maybe they would talk. Or that it might be awkward. But the thick tension from earlier returns, pulling them together like magnets, and before long they are pressed together on the couch. Where Lena’s lips wander to Kara’s neck, dragging heat up Kara’s skin. Where her teeth nip Kara’s earlobe. Kara gasps, and sinks into the couch, as fire surges through her, looking for a burning exit in strange places; her scalp, her cheeks, her fingers… between her legs. It’s uncomfortable, like tiny needles pricking her everywhere. In its immediate wake is a breath-stealing wave of desire. She does stop breathing. And pulls Lena’s face to hers again. Closer. Firmer. Hotter; Lips melting into each other, sliding and parting. Hands wandering to very non-platonic places. Like thighs… and ribs… and collar bones. When Kara’s fingertips brush the skin under the hem of Lena’s shirt her breath stutters. She melts even further against Kara, sliding her tongue against Kara’s in a way that feels dirty and exciting.

The feeling of Lena’s skin under her fingertips is amazing. Both innocent and illicit, somehow. With men there’s a template for how this goes, more or less. She lets them know she’s receptive, they move things along, she either speeds things up or slows them down. Offers helpful tips. She decides if it’s just kissing or if it can be more. Because they are mostly always up for more. But now? Everything is different. With Lena, she feels unsure; empowered; wild. More afraid of hurting her than she’s ever been. But, so hungry for more. There’s no need to get to know each other; they already do. But there’s so much at stake. So very much to lose if she messes this up. And Kara’s mind wants her to overthink, is trying very very hard to overthink, but this weighted moment is quickly transcending any label as basic and one dimensional as “kiss.” 

Kissing Lena is so overwhelmingly wonderful; wet and messy, but precise and devastating. Overwhelmingly satisfying, but leaving her wanting more and more and more. Gasping and clutching Lena close, Kara loses herself in it entirely, until they are lying face to face on the couch, hands tangled in each other’s hair and clothes. Lena has worked herself close enough, or maybe Kara has pulled her close enough, that their chests are pressed against each other in a truly brain-scrambling way. Kara has a strong urge to look, to see . But she feels shy. Uncertain. Like her brain keeps trying to pull her back into their old code of platonic friendship that, for so long, dictated what was allowed and what was not. Distantly she wonders at the fact that she can still feel shy while Lena’s tongue is literally in her mouth. Acting on mindless, primal feelings of lust, Kara takes Lena’s plump bottom lip between her teeth and sucks. Lena’s hips twitch forward, one thigh pressing at the space between Kara’s. Sparks erupt along the base of Kara’s spine. She wants to take this further. God, so much further. To see more of Lena’s lovely reactions to her, to pull Lena’s thigh in between her own and see what happens… But her brain is truly starting to short-circuit. And she needs to slow down and consider her super strength. And when she releases Lena’s lip, Lena slides her face down to hide in Kara’s neck, panting and trying to catch her breath.

“God,” Lena mumbles, brokenly.

Kara takes a deep breath and buries a hand in the hair at the nape of Lena’s neck, scratching lightly at her scalp. 

“Yeah,” she replies, voice wobbly, squeezing Lena tighter with her arm.   

Lena keeps her face in Kara’s neck and wraps her top arm around Kara’s waist, holding her close. And they lie like that, just holding each other, until both of their heart rates slow to something more manageable. Until finally Lena pulls her face back so that she can look at Kara, where she lays, sharing the same throw pillow. Her mascara is a bit smudged and her lips are swollen and she’s perfect. 

Lena’s watching her closely. She strokes slowly along Kara’s jaw with her thumb. Back and forth. It raises goosebumps on Kara’s skin.

“Still ok?” she murmurs, so tenderly, like she’s trying to take care of Kara.

Kara’s heart feels full to overflowing with yellow sun.

“Yes,” she murmurs. “I’m really, really good.”

She brushes some hair behind Lena’s ear.

“Are you?”

Lena just looks at her that way she does sometimes. Like Kara is everything.

“Yes,” she says.

———

They drift off to sleep, wrapped up in each other and breathing in unison. When Kara finally realizes, several hours later, she sleepily makes them move to Lena’s bed. And this time they lazily wrap their arms around each other and wind their bare ankles together as they drift off to sleep again; touching.

Chapter Text

Things are fragile. Things are sweet and new. There’s a pregnant quality to their interactions. As if they are on the cusp of something. Their whole history and dynamic in a slow motion tipping process; inevitable and unavoidable. Shifting from what was, to what will be. In the future. Their future. It’s in the careful way Kara leans to rest her lips against the outside of Lena’s shoulder, when they wake late, side-by-side in Lena’s bed. Still clothed. It’s in the way Lena reaches to loosely weave their fingers together. It’s in the way Lena rests her head on Kara’s shoulder when she says goodbye. Pressing her nose just a little further into Kara's neck than she ever has before. It’s in the hesitant way she gently kisses Kara goodbye. And Kara’s shy, pleased, little smile afterward. They’re both running so late that there’s no time for meaningful conversation.

Just a soft, “Text you later?” “Yes! Yes.”

Lena heads straight to her Foundation office to meet with the CEO of a medical device manufacturer: She's very much hoping to partner with this company to provide low cost and free devices to doctors in low income areas. The meeting goes well but the CEO is not one to be trifled with. She has probing questions, interesting observations and seems determined to keep Lena on her toes. Lena falls back on her skill and expertise in corporate negotiation. She’s surprised to find that she’s become a little rusty in the past year of being away from L-Corp. She has to use every ounce of focus to charm the woman, impress her with the Foundation's work, convince her of the need, then convince her of the benefit to her company. It requires lunch at the fanciest restaurant in the city, loads of small talk and a promise of dinner the following night. And the whole time there is a thrumming, rhythmic chant running in the back of all Lena’s thoughts.

Kara. Kara. Kara. Kara.

The minute Lena is free, she shuts her office door and collapses back into the comfy chair behind her desk. This office, her Foundation office, is warmer in style than her L-Corp office ever was. Lena still appreciates a brightly lit, white space, but when she was decorating this office she chose furniture and decor based more on what makes her feel good , than on what will make her feel powerful or intimidate others. She glances around the room, at the mix of antique and modern furniture, faded oriental rug, paintings and plants. Her desk is a simple wooden table that would be at home in a farmhouse. But her computer and monitors are the most advanced, sleek models available. It’s a mix of dark and light, old and new. Just like her. It’s impressive but comfortable. Beautiful but imperfect. There’s no balcony, unfortunately, but there is private access to the roof with biometric scanners that allow only Lena and the Superfriends to come and go.

Speaking of friends, Lena’s mahogany bookshelf has a collection of framed photos of her friends, including the one of her and Kara that she smashed in a fit of rage, a few years back. Rather than printing a new photo, after she and Kara made up, she had re-framed the original, with all the scratches and knicks that the broken glass had caused. Now it serves as a reminder of everything that she and Kara have overcome. Everything they mean to each other. A reminder that broken things can be mended. Mistakes can be forgiven. Wounds can be healed. If the love is great enough. When Kara was helping Lena unpack her new office she saw the photo. She didn’t say anything about the damage, just smiled softly to herself and placed it gently on the shelf.

Lena’s phone buzzes and she picks it up to find a multitude of notifications, texts and missed calls. She had been unavailable for 6 hours, so it’s nothing she didn’t expect. Brainy is letting her know that the parts have arrived for the device they’ve been working on. The Chief of the L-Corp board is inviting her to have dinner with he and his wife, probably trying to reel her back in. There are some resumes for open positions in the Foundation and her labs. Budget reports and patent drafts. Her stylist is ready with a new selection of pieces to update her wardrobe. Her trainer wants to know when she’s coming to the gym again. But she scrolls right by all that when she sees the only name she’s really looking for.

She opens up Kara’s text only to discover that it’s part of a thread.

8:47am: Hey! Sorry it was so rushy this morning! 😓

8:47am: Hope you have a great day! ☀️🐶🌈🍦🥟

9:15am: I’m on Supergirl duty tonight and tomorrow’s packed with Catco stuff but if you’re free tomorrow night I’d love to see you

9:16am: Maybe we can talk about last night a little bit? if you want to

9:16am: But it’s ok if you don’t ☺️

10:00am: I guess I just wanted to say- I really loved last night

10:06am: And I hope you did too 🙂

The delicate flutter of nerves and excitement in her chest that began the moment she saw Kara’s name on her phone cascades into something rich and breath stealing the more she reads. By the time she gets to the end she is biting her lip against what feels like an embarrassingly dopey smile. She can practically feel Kara’s hopeful nerves seeping in between each line of text. And, god, she loves her so much that it obliterates everything else. Which is why she doesn’t realize she’s late for this afternoon’s zoom meeting until someone texts her asking where she is. 

She shoots off a quick text to Kara as she waits for the connection to go through. 

2:40pm: Hello Darling, I’m so sorry for the delay- it’s been absolutely insane

2:40pm: Thank you for your texts. I have to attend a business dinner tomorrow :( It might go late but I can text you when it’s done?

2:40pm: Have to jump on a call now, but will check in later

2:41pm: I loved it too

She silences her phone and puts it face down on her desk, plastering on a look of professional, upbeat confidence just as she’s let into the call. But something is eating at her as she’s greeting the other attendees, participating in introductions and turning things over to the host. She taps her fingers on the desk in an irregular pattern. Something about her response to Kara feels inadequate. Unresolved. She’s holding back. Isn’t she? But that’s smart. And safe. But this is not the time for smart or safe. This is Kara. Kara who is being vulnerable with her. Who took the first step to kiss her last night. Who took the first step in saying that she loved last night. A last night that Lena is still not quite able to believe actually happened. Kara, who spent last night driving Lena out of her mind with her soft, eager mouth and gentle hands. 

Old Lena would never have apologized for not answering a text right away. Would never have explained herself. Old Lena would never have admitted she’d loved a kiss. Not in writing. 

I really loved last night

And I hope you did too

Kara makes her want to be even more brave. Kara is worth risking anything. Everything.

Lena swipes her phone off the desk. Flips it over. She opens their text thread, takes a deep breath and adds a single emoji to her response.

2:53pm: 💖

. . . 

Kara sees the emoji pop through in real time. She knew that Lena had an important meeting today when she dropped her off, before racing to CatCo to finish some work before the morning staff meeting. She’d quickly sent Lena a few texts before her own meeting started and then a few more on her way to a pretty routine Supergirl emergency (apartment building fire that Nia, Jonn and the fire department hadn’t quite been able to manage.) But the unexpected emergency gave her almost no time to finish reviewing a feature before it was uploaded and printed. She had to use every ounce of her Superspeed to get it done in time. Then she and the HR manager had to meet with someone they were letting go due to repeated drunkenness on the job. The man started yelling and throwing things and Kara had to literally march him out with his arm twisted behind his back. That was going to require a mountain of paperwork later. The HR manager had kindly let her know she still had soot on her face from the apartment fire, which she wiped off only moments before her PR manager came rushing into her office to inform her that Catco’s biggest competitor had just published a piece accusing Catco of bias in Supergirl’s favor while under Kara’s leadership. 

All of which is to say: it had been a morning.

With so much going on she’s had very little time to obsess over Lena. But that hadn’t stopped memories of their kiss from slipping in between all the chaos and confusion. She finally had a chance to check her phone while inhaling a late lunch at her desk. Her heart sank a bit when she realized Lena hadn’t responded. And even though she told herself over and over that Lena was probably just busy and would never leave her hanging, despite how she may feel, it didn’t stop a nagging little voice asking her if it had all been too much for Lena. If maybe she didn’t feel the same. It had certainly seemed like Lena was into it.

Into the kissing, she reminded herself. We kissed. A lot.

Her chest promptly filled with butterflies, which fluttered their way into something thicker, warmer and slower as they moved down her body into her stomach, her pelvis and then- Heat rushes to Kara’s face when she realizes where her thoughts are headed. She drops her phone on her desk and heads out into the bullpen to get updates from a few journalists on various projects. She buys herself about 40 minutes of distraction that way before she heads back to her office to cave into the maddening urge to check her phone. Her heart soars and then wobbles when she sees Lena has just sent a string of responses. She reads them with cautious excitement and when she gets to the end… when Lena says “I loved it too” Kara has to bite her lip to keep a giddy squeal from erupting. 

It’s still not as much as she wants from Lena; nothing is ever enough because, where Lena is concerned, Kara always wants more and more and more. But if Lena Luthor is a language, Kara speaks that language fluently. She can sense Lena’s affection and warmth (and nerves ) in all the little details of her texts; can feel the way Lena is giving just that little bit more than she usually does. Wanting Kara to feel reassured. 

When the emoji pops through Kara does squeal. Partly because of what it is: a pink heart. From Lena Freaking Luthor. But mostly because of what it represents. A further softening. An act of vulnerability and trust. Kara can feel herself absolutely beaming as she considers how very, very proud she is of Lena.

Kara can see that Lena has her phone on Work Mode, because of her meeting, and probably won’t respond. But that doesn’t stop her from firing off a string of texts.

2:56pm: Hi!! 👻😺❤️

2:56pm: No problem!

2:56pm: Omgggggg things have been WEIRD here today 🫣😵😳 tell you more later

2:57pm: Yes that’s totally fine! Just text me when you are done tomorrow night! 🥳🥳🥳🫶☺️

The next two days are just as packed and crazy as she expected. And on top of the meetings and calls and emails and editing she also ends up flying to the East Coast to meet with a Congressional subcommittee on extraterrestrial resettlement, on behalf of the Superfriends, and adds in some visits with CatCo media partners while she’s there. The whole time all she can think is Lena, Lena, Lena. She thinks of Lena’s eyes and daydreams about her lips. She thinks about her body with equal parts curiosity, desire and embarrassment. It’s still so confusing to be, hesitantly, allowing herself to think in these terms. In queer terms. Because… she’s queer. Apparently. It’s exciting! And scary. She feels like an impostor. Like maybe everyone will think she’s faking. Like maybe she is faking? But also like: all she wants to do is take all of Lena’s clothes off and kiss her everywhere, as soon as possible. And as soon as she has that thought she’s hit with an immense wave of guilt for thinking so carnally about her closest friend. But, Lena is not quite her “friend,” anymore, is she? Needless to say: it’s a lot to get her head around.

But in spite of all that confusion, a few things are abundantly clear: 1. Lena Luthor is a good kisser and Kara really likes kissing her. 2. Kara has very strong, very much more-than-friendship feelings for Lena. 3. Kara really, really hopes Lena feels the same.

Lena certainly hasn’t been distant or aloof during the brief, hectic check-ins they’ve had. They’d even run into each other at the DEO when Kara was heading out and Lena was heading in. They couldn’t exactly talk about anything with other people around and neither seemed to have any clue what the protocol was now, if their soft, blushing “Hi,” “Hey,” “How are you’s,” were any indication. About a minute into one instance of this Brainy cleared his throat and they realized he’d been standing there the whole time. 

“S-so I’ll see you tomorrow?” Lena had stammered, adorably.

“Yeah! Yes! Definitely!” Kara replied.

She thought about the pale pink color that had dusted Lena’s cheeks, as they talked, well into the night; as she thwarted bank robberies and stopped break ins. And as the following day unfolded in all its relentless, closely packed commitments, she could hardly focus over the nervous, excited way her blood was buzzing through her veins. She was going to see Lena tonight! What would happen? Would they kiss again? Could they take it further? Would they? Would they just talk? What would Lena say? Had she changed her mind? Did she have reservations? 

Lena had an important dinner engagement and so Kara went ahead and had dinner by herself, in Metropolis, legs dangling over the tallest building she could find where she might not be noticed. She ate her pork fried rice and swung her legs anxiously and watched her phone. When she finished her food, and still hadn’t heard from Lena, she called Alex. If she didn’t talk to someone she might be eaten alive by her nerves. 

“Hey, what’s up?” Alex said, when she answered.

A good question. And hard to answer.

“Oh, not much. Just ate some dinner and now I’m-“

“Why does it sound so windy? Are you flying?”

“Nope. Just, sitting on top of… a skyscraper.”

“As you do.”

“As I do.”

“As you do when you’re… upset or… introspective…”

Alex’s voice took on a stern, concerned tone as she continued, “ Are you upset or introspective?”

Kara swallowed. She couldn’t tell Alex about kissing Lena (And kissing, and kissing, and kissing her.) Not before talking with Lena. But just hearing her voice was calming.

“I’m not upset,” she chuckled. “Don’t worry. I’m just… realizing some things. About myself. I guess. It’s a little… nerve wracking!”

There was a pause, and then Alex said, “Ok. Well… change can be scary. Even just a change in perspective.”

“Yeah,” Kara sighed, trying to get the butterflies in her chest to settle.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Alex asked gently.

“Not yet. But I will soon. Really I just wanted to hear your voice.”

“Ok. Well… if it’s about what I think it might be about, then… just know that the best things in life are worth the risk.”

Kara smiled. 

“Thanks Alex,” she whispered. “I love you.”

“Whaaaat?” Alex joked, “I can’t hear you over all that high altitude wind!”

“ Ok, ok, I love you, you big weirdo! ” she hollered with a laugh, and she could hear Alex laughing too.

“I love you too. And Kara?”

“Yeah?”

“Call me as soon as… you’re ready to talk about it. Ok?”

“Ok.”

The city had quieted down a bit by the time Lena texted her. Kara had her phone unlocked and was reading the message in under a second.

9:45 Hi! I’m finally done! Headed home. If you still want to come over?

On my way! was her (immediate) response.

Kara flies all the way to the West coast, and Lena’s apartment, in under ten minutes. One of her heels flies off, due to the speed, and she has to go back for it. It occurs to her, as she touches down on Lena’s balcony, that she hasn’t looked in a mirror in hours. The blouse and pants she wore to work are rumpled, her hair is probably wind blown and tangled. And who knows what’s going on with her makeup. Surreptitiously she employs a little super speed, to wind her hair into a bun and wipe any makeup from under her eyes, as she steps through the door.  

Lena is at her kitchen island wearing a delicate, floral printed blouse. The blazer and vest from her suit are slung over the back of a chair, heels kicked off nearby. She’s halfway through pouring herself a glass of wine and at the sight of Kara she almost overflows her glass.

“Kara!” she says breathlessly, eyes bright.

Kara had run through so many different things she could say. Things they should talk about. But at the sight of Lena, red lips pressing together and dark hair spilling over one shoulder, she just stands there blushing and fumbling for words as if it’s that first day she walked into Lena’s office all over again. 

She finally manages a shy, hopeful “Hi.”

Lena’s cheeks flush a pale pink as a kaleidoscope of emotions flickers across her face in an instant. There’s a beat, as they collectively absorb the tension of the moment. Then Lena’s expression melts into something darker and more smoldering. She sets the bottle down.

“Com’ere,” she murmurs, eyes sparking with pale, green fire.

Kara uses her full super speed to all but materialize directly in front of Lena, cursing herself for seeming so eager. She’s fiddling with her fingers in a way she hasn’t done in a long time. A habit she thought she’d broken herself of. Lena’s lip is trapped between her teeth and Kara can’t tear her eyes away. They sway toward each other, and away. Toward and away. The tension of the moment is unbearable and Kara can feel the deep crinkle forming between her brows. Lena’s racing heartbeat is fluttering through the air and a lovely blush has settled high on her cheeks. Her chest is moving up and down. So rapidly. As if she’s not getting enough air. And Kara would be concerned but she notices her own hands have migrated to the space between them, fingers twitching with the desire to touch Lena. And the fear that it wouldn’t be welcome. And then Lena reaches out a shaky hand, jerks it back, reaches again. Her eyes are darting all over Kara’s face and Kara feels hot all over. Desperate. And Lena’s lips look so… so... And Kara can’t think. Can’t find the words to fill her open, trembling mouth. 

Lena’s tentative hand finally comes to rest, feather light on Kara's bicep. And then Kara’s hands are awkwardly grasping Lena’s shirt, at the shoulder and ribs; afraid to touch for real. But then her rebellious fingertips do find Lena’s body, through her shirt, pressing longingly. The moment breaks. Slips. Frantically, their awkward, uncertain hands pull each other close. Foreheads pressed together to the sound of ragged breaths and racing hearts. And finally Kara can’t bear another moment without her lips on Lena’s lips so she touches their mouths together, soft as a whisper. The kiss is brief. Hesitant. Then Lena hiccups a soft breath and tips into Kara, till their lips are pressing , soft and mutual, the sensation making Kara shiver. There’s a perfect dance of lips pushing together and drawing back; together, and back. As their breath mingles and their awkwardness melts away. Lena smells wonderful. Like faint perfume and soft skin and floral shampoo and clean fabric. Kara’s arms are wrapped around her now, hands splayed over her spine and it’s wonderful. Lena feels so wonderful in Kara's arms. Sparks are surging up and down Kara’s skin. Their kissing grows more heated, till they are pressed against each other, lips sliding, breathing labored. Kara backs Lena up to her refrigerator as their hands frantically shift from hair to face to waist and back again, unable to keep still.

Be gentle. Be gentle. Be gentle, Kara thinks fervently, hands trembling.

She pulls back to take a breath, rests her forehead against Lena’s forehead and her nose against Lena’s nose. Sharing breath.

“Lena ,” she breathes, like a prayer, tracing careful fingertips down one side of her neck.

Lena gulps, eyelashes fluttering, and her fingers begin to unbutton Kara’s shirt; cautiously at first, making sure Kara wants it… then with impressive dexterity, given how fast her heart is racing. A flash of heat rushes through Kara’s body, scalp to toes, as she tries to wrap her head around even the bare concept of Lena undressing her. Lena, who right now is all hungry eyes and heaving breaths. Her lips are swollen and shining and fixed in an expression that is just shy of lascivious. Ice follows the path of the heat wave and Kara shivers. 

Then Lena’s hands are spreading over her collarbones, driving Kara steadily backwards, till her hips connect with the kitchen island. When her body thuds against the island another cascade of sensations moves through her; a tingling, throbbing warmth, low in her belly. And shifting lower. As Lena presses into her, chest to knees. Rao, she’s in so far over her head she’s practically drowning. She swallows the dryness in her throat and takes a shuddering breath. Her hands find their way back to Lena’s spine, as if wanting to protect it, as Lena’s silken tongue slips back into her mouth.

Gentle

Gentle

Gentle

She hears herself utter a small, helpless sound and thinks, absently, how strange it is to be the strongest person in the world, and feel, suddenly, so powerless and adrift. Lena tilts her head further, kissing Kara slow, but so thorough and deep that Kara’s knees go weak. One thing is for sure: Lena is very, very good at this. And all Kara can do, can even imagine doing, is to respond, respond, respond. Gratefully. Eagerly. Her tongue slides against Lena’s, reveling in their kiss.  She sighs and melts into Lena’s palms on her sternum as Lena’s nimble fingers undo more buttons, hands sliding up to cup Lena’s face and stroke along her sharp jaw. Delicate as glass.

Gentle, gentle, gentle 

Lena sighs into her mouth and presses herself even tighter against Kara, a thigh slipping into the space between Kara’s; the sensation so sweet but also dirty and… and addictive, and, and- 

And making Kara’s hips twitch, and-

Lena scrapes teeth over Kara’s bottom lip and-

The cliff edge of Kara’s control sails into view with shocking speed and clarity, knocking the breath out of her lungs. She slams on the brakes to keep from toppling over the edge. The pleasure melts away, under an icy torrent of fear and anxiety. Because: Lena’s fragile human thigh between Kara’s Kryptonian ones… and Lena’s delicate human skull between Kara’s dangerous hands… and Lena’s lovely, flower petal lips so close- too close to Kara’s sharp, brutal teeth.

Kara pulls back with a hiss.

“Oh- sorry!” Lena murmurs, softly, her dazed green eyes finding Kara’s; trying to focus. “Are you ok?”

Kara’s heart is full to overflowing with tenderness, as she gazes down at Lena; pink cheeked and flustered.

“Yeah,” she says with a soft smile, “Just wanna be careful.”

She strokes self-indulgently along Lena’s jaw with the side of one thumb. Lena’s eyebrows draw together in concern.

“Here,” Kara whispers, gently turning them so that Lena is the one against the counter. 

Lena allows it but is still looking at her, contemplatively, holding Kara cautiously now. 

“Hey, if this is too much, it’s ok, ” Lena says, so tenderly, “We can just-“

Kara silences her with a soft kiss.

“No,” she says quietly, afraid to break the moment any further.

She moves her thigh between Lena’s now, a little clumsily, but determined. Lena’s hair is so soft as Kara’s fingers card through it. Like silk. 

“Just wanna make you feel good,” Kara says, tilting Lena’s head up for another kiss, and another.

Lena sighs and melts, as the individual kisses begin to blend into one wet, wanting merging of bodies. Kara’s heart pounds and her hands become more bold; gripping Lena with possessive fingers, at the waist and neck. Then running one palm up the front of her ribcage, stroking along the underside of one breast with a thumb.

Lena gasps as her hips jerk, a lovely pressure on Kara’s thigh. And her hands fumble back to Kara’s shirt buttons, pulling at them more forcefully, ripping one more from its hole. Gently, Kara intercepts her hands, as they reach for another button. She laces their fingers together and moves their joined hands down, to rest against Lena’s hips. Lena’s breaths are an irregular, stuttered rhythm. Just hearing them, and her racing, skipping heart, is turning Kara on so much it’s almost unbearable to not be touched. But this is Lena . She can’t risk anything. Maybe Kara doesn’t know what she’s doing, or how to do it, but she has to try. Has to be brave, for Lena’s sake. This is about Lena, she tells herself firmly. Kara can’t lose herself. The risk is too great.

She moves her hungry lips to Lena’s pulsing neck and feels Lena try to tug her hands away. 

“Wanna touch you,” Lena sighs, voice heavy with longing. 

Kara begins to use her tongue on Lena’s neck; practically licking her in her effort to map Lena’s skin and make her shiver. God, why does she taste so good? Lena groans. Gasps.

“I-it’s ok if you don’t want that…” she continues, breathlessly. 

Kara moves to the other side and Lena cranes her neck in an effort to expose more of her skin to Kara’s mouth. Kara holds her wrists firmly.

“If you’re not ready,” Lena gulps, “It’s ok. B-but…”

Kara shushes her.

“It’s ok,” she murmurs soothingly, into Lena’s neck. “It’s ok, I do want this. I just can’t lose control.” 

Lena’s hands are opening and closing in Kara’s grasp. Having made her point, Kara releases them and brings her hands to cup Lena’s face again. But when she moves in to kiss her again, she finds Lena’s hands on her chest, pushing gently. She’s panting, trying to catch her breath. Her lips are swollen and her hair is mussed and Kara doesn’t think she’s ever seen anything more beautiful.

Lena’s voice is surprisingly lucid when she speaks. 

“I don’t think I want to do this if we can’t both feel good,” she says. 

It’s a strong contrast to her smeared lipstick and dilated pupils. Rao. Kara wants her so much. Lena reaches a shaking hand to smooth a piece of Kara’s mussed hair and tuck it behind her ear. Her green eyes are swallowing Kara whole.

“If you want to fly us to your place right now,” Lena says, with voice calm and eyes wild, “To use the light. I’m ready. But if you need more time, I’d rather wait.”

She presses their foreheads together.

“You’re worth waiting for,” she rasps.

Kara’s lips flutter silently as her brain frantically tries to catch up to this moment. All of her thoughts and feelings seem to condense into this: The light! The light. The light?

The light.

“I’m ready,” Kara croaks, and watches Lena’s eyes grow slightly wider. Slightly wilder.

One corner of Lena’s swollen lips quirks upward. Quickly, she extricates herself from Kara’s arms to grab her blazer and slip on her oxfords, then swipes her phone off the counter and drops it into her handbag in one smooth movement. 

Wrapping her arms around Kara’s neck, she husks, “Let’s go.”

—

The time it takes to get to Kara’s is mere minutes. It’s too fast for Lena to really take anything in, so she tilts her head into Kara’s neck and shuts her eyes tightly. Kara cradles Lena’s head against her, and picks up speed.

When they climb through Kara’s window there’s a moment where they just stare at each other. Then Lena’s in Kara’s space, kissing her and shucking off her jacket. Her purse is tossed on the couch with some items tumbling out. She tries to pull Kara to the couch too but Kara pushes her gently, insistently, toward the bedroom, as they both fumble clumsily to lose their shoes along the way. Kara leads her into her charming, curtained off bedroom. 

“Where is it?” Lena whispers, sobering a bit now that things are getting so real.

The standard bulb in Kara’s regular bedside table lamp creates a soft, golden glow across the room. Lena casts her eyes around for the other lamp. Her lamp. She locates it, sitting on a table near the window, still partially wrapped in bubble wrap and with the cord wrapped around it. A small thrill shoots through Lena.

“I haven’t used it yet,” Kara says softly, cheeks growing pink. 

Lena’s heart soars. She didn't realize how desperately she had been hoping that Kara hadn’t shared the light with anyone else until she saw it here, untouched. Kara must see the way her eyes are shining because she smiles the softest, sweetest smile.

“It just didn’t feel right. It… it feels like it’s ours. You know?”

Lena swallows a sudden lump in her throat and nods. She’s touched beyond comprehension.

“Yeah,” she whispers, feeling a pleasant tingling spread up her neck to her cheeks.

Kara picks the lamp up and finishes unwrapping it, unwinding the cord and looking for an outlet. Lena’s eyes follow her, soaking in every detail of her as she crawls behind the table to plug it in and then bends to examine it. When she notices Kara’s hands shaking, Lena’s heart fills with something heady and immense. It feels like adoration, protectiveness, possessiveness and lust all rolled into one. 

Be gentle, she tells herself. This is Kara. This is Kara .

“Here,” Lena says softly, coming up behind her, “Place your thumb here till it beeps. Then you can turn it on.”

Kara does as she’s told and soon the room is bathed in soft, red light that, in conjunction with Kara’s regular, household lamp, casts everything in shades of rose gold. 

“If you want to turn it off,” Lena reminds her, softly, “all you have to do is scan your thumb or finger. But you can also just turn it off with the switch.”

Kara turns to her, eyes on fire with what looks like warring desire and uncertainty. She seems to take stock of her body, flexing her fingers and bending her knees. Wordlessly, she crosses to the bedside lamp and turns it off. The room descends into darker reds and deeper shadows. The lamp is no sun, after all; just a small imitation. The trust Kara is placing in Lena’s hands feels heavy and priceless. She vows inwardly to protect it at all costs.

The room is silent except for outside noises drifting in. Lena crosses to stand in front of Kara once more, who is fiddling with her fingers; suddenly shy. Lena strokes the hair away from her face again.

“This is a lot, yeah?”

Kara smiles and shakes her head, as if to brush it off. Her mouth opens but nothing comes out. She looks at her hands.

“It’s not too late to back out,” Lena says gently, “It will never be too late.”

Kara nods and reaches for her with a shy glance, winding her hands around the small of Lena’s back and then pulling her in.

“Hey,” Lena whispers, dipping her head to find Kara’s eyes. “Using the light like this- it might be overwhelming. We should use a safe word, just in case.”

“Oh, Lena,” Kara interrupts, flustered and grinning, “I don’t need- it’s ok- I trust y-“

“Let’s do traffic signals,” Lena urges. “Just in case.”

Kara is regarding her as if she’s not quite sure what that means. Hanging on Lena’s every word. Kara’s hair is coming loose and Lena reaches around her head to carefully remove the pins that had been holding her low bun in place.

“Red means stop,” Lena says gently, “I don’t like this. I’m scared. I don’t feel safe. I changed my mind.”

As Lena’s fingers card through Kara’s thick, soft hair, finding the final pin and working it free, Kara seems to shiver at the sensation. Lena’s not sure she’s listening.

“Ok?” She prods, softly, stroking Kara’s burning cheek with her thumb, “Say it back to me.”

“Red means stop,” Kara rasps, and then swallows the huskiness in her voice self consciously.

Kara’s obvious desire is making it hard for Lena to focus. This is happening, she thinks, with equal parts glee and trepidation. She pushes at Kara’s body lightly, with her own, and backs her up to the bed. 

“Yellow means pause,” Lena continues, voice gone suddenly smoky, “I want to slow down. I’m not sure. Let’s check in.”

Lena shakes the rest of Kara’s hair loose from the tightly coiled rope her bun had shaped it into. Kara’s hands are shifting restlessly, timidly, all around Lena’s waist and rib cage; her eyelashes fluttering at the sensation of Lena’s fingers running over her scalp.

“Say it?” Lena breathes, melting into Kara’s hungry, inexperienced touch. 

“Yellow means slow… wait…” Kara murmurs, fingers clenching in the sides of Lena’s shirt.

Lena’s pulse is racing. She wonders what it sounds like to Kara. If she can still hear it or if her super powers have faded entirely.

“That’s right,” she praises, kissing Kara’s lips lightly. So lightly. “Very good.”

Kara tries to lean in again but Lena pushes a little more, wordlessly asking Kara to sit. She sinks to the bed, bringing Lena with her.

“Scoot back a little for me?” Lena asks, following on her knees.

She straddles Kara’s lap and Kara’s hands are on her immediately, skimming along her sides and gripping at her hips, making Lena sigh and resist the urge to roll her hips against Kara. 

When she finds Kara’s bright, hungry eyes, glowing violet in the red light, she breathlessly says, “And green? Green means…” 

“Go,” finishes Kara, breathing the word against Lena’s lips, hands moving to stroke along Lena’s thighs.

Lena shivers.

She can hear the tremble in her own voice when she says, lips grazing, “And what color are you now darling?”

Because she has to be sure.

“Green,” Kara breathes, pressing her parted lips to Lena’s, soft and wet.

For a little while Lena’s focus narrows to tongues sliding and Kara’s lovely scent, and the absolutely maddening feeling of Kara’s body between her thighs. She fumbles for Kara’s buttons again. She has to start all over, since Kara had buttoned her shirt back up to fly home. She huffs into Kara’s mouth impatiently, as she gets only a second button undone after a lot of multitasking. Kara smiles against her mouth and sits back enough to help Lena quickly finish the job; one working from above and one from below until the shirt is hanging open, a tantalizing strip of skin and bra visible between.

Lena feels wild and eager, fingers itching to touch. Mouth salivating at the thought of tasting. She’s already fighting the urge to rock her pelvis down into Kara’s legs. But her desire to take care of Kara, to ensure her first time with the light… her first time with a woman, is perfect, wins out. So, moving as slowly as she can, she slips her fingers beneath the open flaps of Kara’s shirt, just under the collar, and begins to push it up over Kara’s shoulders. Kara lets her, breathing fast. Her skin is warm rose; smooth silk draped over toned muscle and delicate bone structure. She is achingly beautiful; soft, hard, sharp and curved and Lena can’t quite believe Kara is letting Lena see her like this. Lena skates her hands up the muscular plane of Kara’s abdomen, feeling like her palms are alive with tingling energy and dipping her fingers into all the little divots between Kara’s muscles and ribs.

“Oh Kara,” Lena breathes, overcome, “You’re so beautiful darling”

“Yeah?” Kara whispers, letting out a long, shaky sigh as Lena finishes removing her shirt and skims her lips along Kara’s jaw.

“So beautiful,” Lena continues, smoothing her hands back over Kara’s shoulders and digging her fingers under Kara’s bra straps. “I’ve always thought so.” 

She glances up, to make sure Kara is still ok, and the hungry, dazed look on Kara’s face makes her temporarily forget what she’s doing. But when Kara gently grips her head and begins to kiss her, deep and messy, Lena remembers. She pulls Kara’s bra straps off her shoulders and bends to kiss and nibble her collar bones while Kara’s gasps and soft grunts drive her own arousal higher and higher. Lena loses herself in Kara's shoulders and neck… and the feeling of Kara’s heated hands running over her back with increasing need. A moan slips from Lena’s throat as Kara’s fingers untuck her shirt and migrate to the bare skin under the hem. Their breathing is loud in Lena’s ears as she grasps for the back of Kara’s bra, unhooking it and pulling it off. And before she can even enjoy the view of Kara’s bare breasts, Kara is pulling Lena’s blouse over her head, with authority, and tossing it to the side. Lena’s hair settles around her bare shoulders with a whisper. Goosebumps raise on her skin.

There are moments in life that act as anchors; points around which all other aspects of one’s existence orbit and are permanently tethered to. And in this still space, made chaotic by Lena’s pulse hammering in her ears, and the red reflection glinting off of Kara’s lavender eyes, Lena has the distinct sense that this is one of those moments. Maybe this whole night but especially this: eyes hot on each other's bodies and all pretense of a platonic relationship stripped away with their shirts. It’s everything Lena has wanted. Seeing Kara like this. But Kara looking at her… with fire in her eyes and parted lips? Well, Lena had never even dared dream of that. 

Maybe she should feel self conscious, for staring so long and so intently- at the gorgeous slopes and curves of Kara’s breasts- at her pebbled nipples, at the complete absence of tan lines or clothing indentations (because sun and compression are nothing to a Kryptonian after all.) But Kara’s gaze is so heavy on Lena’s chest, pale flesh pushed up and out by her lacy bra. She looks like she’s seconds from face planting into Lena’s tits and Lena can’t help but chuckle to herself; has never quite allowed herself to entertain the thought that the Girl of Steel might be a boob girl. Kara’s gaze is jumping from Lena’s eyes to her breasts and back again, fingers sliding up her sides. It’s as if she’s not sure she’s allowed to touch, but soon won’t be able to stop herself.

And Lena’s full breasts are pulsing up and down. Up and down, with her own hectic breathing. And the look on Kara’s face can only be described as mesmerized, as she copies Lena’s motions from before: sliding her bra straps down her shoulders and fumbling with the clasp at the back, her breath puffing against Lena’s heated skin. She casts one more hopeful glance at Lena’s face, making sure. And whatever she sees there seems to spur her on. She slides the bra from around Lena’s ribcage. It disappears somewhere to the side and then Kara is staring. Downright panting, as if she’s totally overcome . She’s being so uncharacteristically quiet too; no babbling or attempts to lighten the mood. Like she wants to savor it.

Remember this, Lena tells herself. Memorize it.

So that if it never happens again, she can hold on to her memory. Cherish it, when she feels sad and lonely.

She soaks in every detail of Kara’s wet parted lips as she stares at the pale swell and fall of Lena’s breasts. Her dilated pupils and wonder-filled expression. Her flushed cheeks and rose-gold glinting hair, mussed and flowing around her shoulders. Her eyes fluttering shut as she dips her face to nuzzle into the tops of Lena’s breasts. Lena shivers, sits up straighter and leans into Kara’s mouth; can’t help the gasp that slips from her throat as she encircles Kara’s soft hair and shoulders with her own arms.

But the wet kisses she expects, needs, don’t come. Instead Kara wraps her arms around Lena’s rib cage and pulls her in firmly until their chests are pressed up against each other, faces buried in each other's hair. Kara lets out a shuddering sigh (of relief?) like she’s been wanting to do this for a very long time. And the innocent desire of it fills Lena’s heart with warm, yellow sun, till it seems like it will burst from it. She strokes Kara’s hair and Kara strokes along her spine until she’s shivering and wet and so full of wanting. Then Kara pulls back a bit. Casts her gaze down between their bodies, at nipples brushing against skin and the rise and fall of their breathing. Lena swallows loudly.

“You like this?” She murmurs, charmed beyond all reason, stroking across Kara’s shoulders. “Seeing us pressed together like this?”

Kara swallows. Nods. Squirms.

“Lena, ” she sighs, nuzzling against Lena’s nose, her jaw, the side of her neck. “You’re so…”

She seems to forget what she was saying as she gets lost in Lena’s neck for a moment, pressing kisses up and down her throat. Lena sighs into it.

“I’m so…” Kara tries again, gripping into the fleshy part of Lena’s hips a little tighter.

Arousal is pooling heavy in Lena’s gut and the slick between her legs doesn’t even feel like wetness so much as molten silk. She fights the urge to grind down against Kara’s thighs.

“Shhh,” Lena whispers, idly wrapping Kara’s thick hair around her hand, “I’m gonna take care of you, ok? Gonna make you feel really good. Is that ok?”

Please let me, she thinks, stroking Kara’s cheek with her thumb, Please let me.  

Every protective instinct she's ever had, every ounce of love or lust… it all pales in comparison to the tsunami of feeling and determination she’s experiencing right now. Kara gasps at the gentle pressure of her hair wound around Lena’s hand and her eyes drop closed. She nods. Lena pushes things a bit further by tugging ever so slightly, just a twitch of her arm muscle really. Kara’s head drops back. And, god. The graceful arch of her neck. So Lena does what she’s been wanting to do for ages. She dips her head and dances her tongue up the smooth column of Kara’s neck. Kara wimpers, and her hands fly to Lena’s shoulders, to the back of Lena’s neck; holding her there. The sound lights Lena on fire and all she wants is to hear Kara make that sound again and again and again. She uses her hold on Kara's hair to tilt her head to the other side to explore her neck further and revels in how Kara melts into her nonverbal directions. As if she’s weak. Weak under the light. Weak for Lena. Weak, and longing to be made weaker. 

And then. 

Kara’s hips kick. Just a little. A nudge, really. And Lena’s… Lena’s body responds; grinding down before she even knows it’s… It’s happening. 

Because this is happening.

And then they’re doing it again. In unison this time. Rocking together. And someone’s whimpering. And someone’s gasping. Who? God, it doesn’t matter. Lena wants nothing more than to lose herself in this. To undulate her body against Kara till she’s right on the edge. But she also desperately wants this to be about Kara. So she pushes against Kara’s shoulders, wordlessly asking her to lie back. Kara scrambles into place, further up the bed. Eager. So eager for Lena. Lena feels ravenous, as she kneels over Kara, who watches her from propped elbows; staring, staring at her tits and stomach. Searing Lena with her gaze.

She begins to work on the button and zipper of Kara’s pants with shaking hands and then pauses.

“Color?” She husks, breathing hard.

Kara swallows. It seems to take a moment for Lena’s words to filter in and then she’s nodding, a jerky rapid movement.

“G-green,” she whispers.

Seconds later Lena is peeling the pants from Kara’s legs. She debates taking her underwear with it but decides it would be too fast; still wants to give Kara time to back out. God, will she back out? Would Lena be able to cope if she does something wrong and Kara suddenly wants to stop? Or if Kara just changes her mind? Doesn’t want to do this with a creature as damaged and complicated as Lena. Of course she would be ok. She knows that now. She would respect it and spend time cuddling and later go home and lie awake all night full of anxiety and fear and self loathing. All the vulnerable little parts of her are clamoring for attention, reminding her of all that she’s risking. Reminding her that this could destroy her. Begging her to stop. 

But a louder, stronger voice inside her sings: Now! Now. If not now, maybe never. Remember this. Remember this. Savor every second.

And then she’s dropping Kara’s pants on the floor. And Kara’s underwear must be blue because it’s purple in this light. Simple cotton. Painfully cute. It’s so Kara. And. And Kara’s legs. Kara’s long, firm, rose-gold legs. Widening to make space for Lena to kneel between them. And. And that’s when. That’s when Lena sees that… her underwear. Is very wet. Lena’s mouth waters. 

Kara

Lena wants to dive face first into whatever waits under that wet, lavender fabric. Soon , she tells herself, and crawls up Kara’s body, settling herself carefully against Kara’s torso to lick and nibble at her breasts. The sound of Kara’s small gasps and moans, as she cradles Lena’s head in loose hands, are everything. And the taste of her skin is like coming home. Lena groans into her, taking a hard nipple into her mouth and laving it with her tongue. Kara makes a breathy, high sound in the back of her throat as her body arches into Lena’s mouth. She’s well and truly squirming now; trying futilely to press her thighs together around Lena’s body and shifting her hips. Needing relief. Needing Lena. Lena’s pussy is throbbing and she would love to take her time with Kara but she can’t bear to deny her any longer. Not her first time. First time with the light. First time with a woman. First time with Lena. Kara has placed so much trust into Lena’s hands.

Skimming her lips down Kara’s hard/soft body, to the sound of Kara’s panting breaths, she takes one more brief moment of self indulgence before reaching her destination. She hunts along Kara’s rib cage with her mouth, sliding her tongue over to the side of her waist, turning her slightly to get the best angle. To find that beautiful dip she’s tried to stop herself from noticing so many times. Latching her mouth onto Kara’s waist she sucks softly, body on fire, then nips at it with her teeth. Kara cries out in surprise and Lena thinks she’s gone too far but then she feels fingers thread into the hair at the back of her head, gently holding her there. So she does it again, as Kara sighs Lena and lets her hips rock down. Lena sucks a new spot right next to the first one, nipping it, then soothing with her tongue. With one hand she strokes Kara’s thigh. Toys with the hem of her underwear.

“Sh-shoot,” Kara squeaks, voice wobbly, “I-I’m so… Lena I’m gonna-“

Adrenaline rockets through Lena. Kara’s legs are trembling. She’s gonna make her come. Now. Before she’s even touched her clit. 

Like hell you are, Lena thinks. Not before I get my mouth on you.  

She immediately stops what she’s doing and presses Kara onto her back. Sliding, assertively, into the space between Kara’s thighs, Lena prods them wider with her shoulders as Kara desperately gasps, Green, green green. She yanks Kara’s wet underwear to the side and swipes her tongue expertly through the swollen, silky folds of her vulva. At the end of that first swipe Lena’s tongue has only barely found Kara’s clit when she’s throwing her head back and groaning, loud and broken. Her hands fly to Lena’s head, wordlessly asking her not to stop as she trembles and moans; hips jerking, involuntarily, up into Lena’s mouth. 

It's. 

It’s amazing. 

It’s everything. 

Lena whines and pushes her face further into Kara’s soft flesh as the supernova in her chest explodes. Whatever happens after this moment. She’ll never be the same. Because she’ll never forget the sounds Kara made. The way she tasted. The way she moved, as she came. The first time. Kara’s underwear, wet in Lena’s hand. And her soft vulva, wet on Lena’s face. And the wet tears snaking down Lena’s cheeks. She can tell that Kara’s still holding back. Still afraid of hurting her and trying to be gentle. And there will be time to work on that. At least she hopes there will be. But right now? Being with Kara like this? Making her moan. Making her come. Finally. Finally . Lena drinks it in.

It’s everything.

…

Kara comes back to herself gasping for breath. Lena is gently kissing her inner thighs, then her hip bones and stomach. Kara watches Lena’s glorious, inky hair slither across her body as she moves like she was born to do it. It makes some still-unsatisfied place, deep inside her, pulse with longing.

Rao 

This woman. 

“God,” she breathes, voice hoarse, and shifts a little.

Green eyes flick up as Lena continues trailing her lips over Kara’s body. And Kara is lost in them; lost for words. Her body is so heavy under the light. Powerless and sensitive in a way that makes her clit pulse for more. Lena runs her hands up Kara’s thighs to her hips and squeezes, drawing a small moan from her, before pulling her underwear off. With her thoughts wading through molasses Kara cooperates and tries to catch her breath. Was that embarrassing? That she came so fast? She had wanted to last much longer. Kara looks down, confused, when she feels Lena nudge her thighs apart again.

“What do you need?” Lena rasps, from between Kara’s thighs.

And her face…

God, her face. Something about the smudged mascara tracks and shining chin and swollen, pink lips… But mostly her eyes… and-and her… expression. Wrecked and present and more vulnerable than she’s ever seen her. Committed and- and adoring… and happy a-and. It’s all for Kara. Everything happening on Lena’s face is all for Kara. There’s simply no doubt. Her heart swells and her stomach twists in a way that is so profound it’s almost unpleasant. 

“Com’ere,” Kara whispers, and reaches her arms down.

“Soon,” Lena says, voice smokey. “I’m not done yet.”

Oh.

Again? 

Chills run over Kara’s skin. 

“Oh… Lena you don’t have to-“

But then Lena’s spreading her open, and Kara’s thighs are widening on their own, a-and Lena’s tongue… and… and…

Kara moans and clutches the sheets as Lena circles her clit, widely with her tongue. It’s so gentle on Kara’s sensitive flesh. God, it feels like… Kara doesn’t know. Nothing else she's ever felt. She feels her thighs spread even further, languidly; shamelessly. The fabric of the bedding feels strong and indestructible in Kara’s hands and it’s wonderful. She grips harder, as hard as she can, and shivers when nothing breaks, arching into Lena’s mouth when she begins to work her tongue inside, and god.  

“ Lena , Rao, feels so good,” she squeaks, as her hips jerk helplessly.

“Mmhhhm,” Lena whines, brows furrowing, and Kara watches her still-clothed hips grind down into the bed. 

Kara’s mind turns to static at the sight. Electricity is racing up and down her spine. Consolidating to the place underneath Lena’s mouth, as if she’s drawing it there intentionally. As if by magic. Because Lena has magic. Is magic. And then Lena’s fingers are teasing just inside her entrance; green eyes watching her. Pupils huge. Kara’s already gasping for breath and her mouth falls open. Because she can’t quite believe this is happening. And her mind is trying desperately to accept the visual, let alone all the sensations. Because Lena pushes her fingers slowly in. Mouth sucking. Pinning Kara with her gaze. Watching her begin to writhe. And shake. Because Kara has never felt like this. Lena pressing inside her at some magic spot. Because Lena is magic. Her pale pink skin against Kara’s warm rose. And the nails of her other hand scraping along Kara's stomach. She can feel it. A rare stab of pain. And it’s so wonderful to feel it. To have no control. To be out of control. She’s right on the edge, as Lena presses and pulls.  

And there’s fear there. Even as Kara’s back arches off the bed in pleasure. As Kara realizes just how completely all of her control is slipping away. She’s panting, and trying to hold on. She can hear someone murmuring in Kryptonian… her own voice. 

“You won’t hurt me,” Lena husks against her wet, electrified skin. “You’re safe.”

It’s a decree. A command. Lena pumps her fingers into Kara and digs the nails of her other hand into Kara’s hip. Kara cries out. A hoarse sound she’s never heard herself make and can’t begin to categorize. And then, bliss.

It goes on and on and on. Vision white. Then red and throbbing. Her body, completely and utterly powerless. And so safe, under Lena’s hands. As moisture rushes between her legs and springs from her eyes. As if she’s exploding. Even her mouth is watering. And she can hardly breathe because,

Lena

She comes back to herself for the second time to find Lena’s head resting heavily on her stomach as she fumbles to get the button and zipper of her own pants open and shove her hand into them, clearly desperate for relief. 

“Wait,” Kara mumbles, caressing Lena’s tangled hair.

Somehow it’s a surprise how the red light is keeping her from springing back to full strength after two huge orgasms. Lena groans as her fingers find their target and rolls her hips into her own hand, sucking some of the skin below Kara’s navel into her mouth. Kara gasps, overstimulated.

“Wait,” she pleads, more clearly, and grabs Lena under the shoulders, trying to haul her up toward the top of the bed. 

But she’s so wonderfully weak, so it’s up to Lena to choose to comply. And she does. Clumsily. Crawling up and flopping on top of Kara. And Kara gently bats her hands away from her pants and rolls them. Rises to her knees to peel Lena’s pants and underwear off. So she can look down at her. Naked and squirming. Pale and flushed. Soft and small and curved in truly mind- blowing ways. Perfect.

Lena

Lena’s face is almost stricken as she gazes up at Kara’s body with reverence. Her one hand is between her legs again. And the other is gripping her own hair at the scalp. As if she can’t bear it. Kara doesn’t know what she’s doing. But she’ll try. God, for Lena she’ll try. For herself. Because this feels like a gift that she’s giving to herself more than anything else. She’s in between Lena’s legs before she’s even decided what her next move is, her body clearly having a mind of its own. Lena is so swollen and red and glossy that she’s naturally spread open, revealing everything to Kara’s drunk gaze. Kara has never seen a vulva up close like this, not even her own, and she swallows a lump in her throat. Because of course Lena is so, so pretty here too.

Kara spontaneously runs her tongue through this magical place. Marvels at the taste and the feel. It’s so, so much softer than she had imagined. And delicious. Kara moans. Because she didn’t know. Didn’t know it could be like this. Why did no one tell her!?  Her heart is racing like it might explode. She glances up to see Lena’s breasts shifting and trembling slightly as she squirms and pants. Kara’s never seen breasts from this angle. Never seen breasts like Lena’s. For a moment, she gets hopelessly distracted; staring up at the creases formed where the bottom of each breast meets the skin of Lena’s rib cage. She imagines running her tongue along each crease, dipping inside it, then sucking marks all over the rounded, pliable flesh above. But then she catches a glimpse of Lena’s face; lip caught between her teeth and eyebrows pinched with her desperation for relief. She swipes her tongue through Lena’s silky lips again, loving the way the delicate skin feels against her tongue, and watches Lena’s mouth fall open.

“Kara,” Lena groans, throwing her head back, and Kara feels her own body beginning to construct a future orgasm already.

And Kara wants this to be good for Lena. Hopes, desperately, it will be good enough. Her tongue searches, uncertainly, for Lena’s clit. And she finds it. Swollen and hard and fluttering slightly under her tongue. It feels… perfect. She runs the flat of her tongue over it several times as Lena cries out and writhes. Then she tries the tip of her tongue, circling around it. Lena’s cries grow higher in pitch and her hands find Kara’s head.

“Th-that’s so g-good!” Lena moans, “Kara.”

At the sound of Lena whining her name, like that , Kara feels white hot desire roll through her again, adding to the warm ocean that is already seeping from between her thighs. Lena’s shaky fingers scratch lightly across her scalp and then twist into her hair. Electricity races across her skin.

Remember this, Kara pleads with herself, inwardly. Remember every detail. 

Then Lena’s legs begin to shake and wrap around her shoulders. Her hips are rocking; a gentle, rhythmic pace that keeps time with the sounds she’s making. And Kara finds a new motion with her tongue; an undulating circling that uses alternating parts of her tongue to slide and press, right on Lena’s clit. It makes Lena’s eyes fly open and lock onto hers with something so fierce and vulnerable that Kara couldn’t look away if she tried. This is Lena with more of her walls down than Kara has ever seen before. And the emotion shining from her eyes is so immense and powerful that Kara can’t fully wrap her head around it, let alone allow herself to name it.

Lena all but screams as she comes and Kara can easily imagine how her heartbeat must be pummeling the air around them. Her thighs squeeze around Kara’s head as she bucks in a way that is almost violent. It's close to too much, honestly, without Kara’s super strength. Which is exhilarating. And she reacts by gripping Lena’s hips and trying to pin them down, while her tongue keeps working and wetness coats her face in a truly life-changing way. Holding Lena in place as she comes is hard to do, which makes Kara feel breathless and weak and like she might want to start touching her own clit very soon. And the feeling of using all her strength, with no concern for hurting someone, is such an indulgence that she feels almost hedonistic. And the sight of Lena coming is worth any discomfort she may feel. The brain-scrambling way Lena’s breasts bounce and tremble. The stretch of her navel as her back bows off the bed. The pure bliss on her face, when Kara can even see her face. 

Gradually Lena’s movements slow and her cries turn to wimpers. Her thighs unclench. Kara does her best to work her through it. Hoping it will last longer. Just a little longer. But then Lena is hissing and flinching, skin spent and oversensitive, so Kara stops. Gasping for breath, Lena’s body goes slack against the bed. Kara extricates herself from the tangle of Lena’s limbs and crawls up her body till she can curl carefully against her with her cheek pressed over Lena’s heart. Weakly, Lena’s arms shift to cradle her and they lay like that for long minutes while Kara listens to Lena’s beautiful heart beat as it slows, her head swaying up and down with Lena’s breath. It feels like there should be words. They’ll need to talk. About what all this means. Because things are fundamentally and impossibly different now. What they just did was so powerful and vulnerable… and Kara can feel her entire understanding of her life rearranging itself around this moment. But lying here on Lena’s chest feels like a sacred space. One that Kara doesn’t want to irreverently shatter with sudden movements or awkward words. 

Eventually Lena stirs a bit and begins to gently run her fingers through Kara’s hair. Kara risks a look into Lena’s arresting red-green eyes, propping her chin up on Lena’s chest. All she sees there is affection and contentment. No regret. No disappointment. Kara wants to ask how she did. If it was ok. But she doesn’t. Something vulnerable flits across Lena’s face. 

“Is this real?” she half whispers, in the low light, tracing her index finger down the bridge of Kara’s nose, then back up one cheekbone.

Kara shivers.

“Why wouldn’t it be real?” she whispers back.

Lena is quiet for so long that Kara doesn’t think she’ll answer. Her makeup has mostly rubbed off and her hair is tangled and Kara doesn’t think she’s ever looked prettier.

“Just…” Lena murmurs, resuming her lazy efforts at finger combing Kara’s hair, “Seems too good to be true.”

This fills Kara with so much overwhelming affection that she wants to kiss Lena, and then remembers that she can. Before long they are wrapped up in each other again and Kara finally gets the chance to fully worship Lena’s breasts. For a long time. Lena doesn’t seem surprised, as much as she exalts in the single minded focus of Kara’s mouth. Mid-way through sucking and nipping a small mark under one nipple it occurs to Kara that this must be a regular occurrence for Lena. Of course. Anyone in their right mind would be in awe of Lena’s breasts and anyone she took to bed would be bound to spend a lot of time showing their adoration. It makes Kara burn with irrational territorialism. She grips one breast with wide-spread fingers, gently squeezing the nipple between her middle and ring finger in the process. Lena hisses and arches into it.

Eventually, when they’ve both come one more time, face to face, fingers buried, breathing each other's breath, they begin to drift off to sleep. Eyes closed, Kara hears Lena whisper something in a language she doesn’t know and the red light shuts off. 

“Voice control?” she mumbles, curiously.

Lena chuckles quietly, into the dark.

“Magic,” she whispers. 

Kara grins with pride and burrows a little more deeply into Lena’s neck.

—————

They find each other one more time in the night. Lena sneaks out of bed to pee and when Kara wakes to an empty bed she is gripped with a powerful feeling of loss; her half awake brain momentarily certain that Lena has left. Or that none of it had actually happened. When Lena returns and climbs carefully back into bed Kara is so relieved and overjoyed she can’t help but prove it to Lena physically. She spoons her into a tight embrace and lets her hands wander all over the front of Lena’s body. Lena melts back into her, reaching to wind a shaky hand into Kara’s hair. Before long Lena is writhing around the thigh pressed between her own and the fingers stroking her clit. Kara thumps her thigh against Lena’s pussy, from behind, and rocks her own hips into Lena’s backside. The feeling starts Kara’s clit throbbing again and Lena comes with a loud cry, shaking apart in Kara’s arms. Kara had only wanted to make Lena feel good but now she’s so close, body tense and on fire with longing. She just needs a little more. She thinks of how freely Lena had touched her own clit earlier and begins to slide an already slick hand down between her own thighs. Lena’s panting breath fills the darkness.

“Is it ok if I…?” Kara whispers, finding her own clit with a sigh and curling tighter around Lena’s back.

Lena lets out a breath and turns her head.

“Touch yourself while you ride me,” she rasps, rolling to her back, body heavy with exhaustion. 

Those words alone, said in Lena’s voice, are almost enough. A sonic boom of desire radiates through Kara and she scrambles desperately to turn on the red light, then pulls herself up to straddle Lena’s hips. Her hungry eyes roam Lena’s body, from her parted lips to her wonderfully soft stomach. She slides over Lena’s pelvis once. Twice. Sparks erupt from the contact and a small groan rips itself free from her chest. Her body’s on fire. 

“God,” Lena whimpers, lips parted and eyes drinking her in.

Panting, desperate, Kara finds her clit again and presses into it, rolling down against Lena’s soft skin. Picking up a slow rhythm. Her gaze locks onto Lena’s face like a lifeline. She feels terribly exposed. Lena meets her there.

“That’s right darling,” Lena whispers, stroking her thighs. 

Tender. So tender. Riveted.

“Touch yourself for me.”

Kara whines; sighs in time with her movements. She’s so close. And this is so unbelievably hot. 

“That’s so good,” Lena murmurs, digging her fingers into Kara’s hips, encouraging her movement, “Come for me.”

Icy fire rips through Kara at the words. 

“Come all over me.”

Kara throws her head back in a silent scream.

Chapter Text

Lena wakes feeling uneasy in a way that she hasn’t for a long time. It’s almost like waking up with a hangover but without the headache. And with crystal clear memories. But the fear that she may have done or said things she will really regret is persistent; things that strip her far too bare to be practical or safe. Things that open her up to pain and rejection. Ghosts that will haunt her.

She rolls over and squints into the late morning light. She’s naked. And sticky. The room around her is not hers. It’s… Kara’s. She’s in Kara’s bed. B-but… Kara’s not here. Why isn’t she here? The night before comes rushing back to her in all its shocking, sober, toe curling detail. It was real. It was real. Every orgasm, every arching of her spine, every delicious swipe of her tongue, every curl of her fingers. The room, filled with low, red light. Kara’s body, pressed tightly against hers. Kara, coming apart underneath her. Around her. On top of her. The dark, focused look in Kara’s eyes as she made Lena come. Unforgettable. As long as Lena lives she will never forget last night: the best sex she’s ever had. Hands down. Not because of any special expertise or erotic scene. But because it was Kara. And Kara lights her on fire like no one else ever has. And being on the receiving end of her attention, of her enthusiastic participation; of her hungry gaze… was everything. It was everything.

So why does Lena feel like she’s about to have the rug yanked out from under her? She holds perfectly still and listens. The apartment is silent. She turns her head. Kara’s bathroom door is open. She feels the space beside her, where Kara had been just a few short hours ago. Cold. Lena’s heart starts racing. Her thoughts begin to bump up against each other; clumsy bumper cars making it hard to process her feelings. The bumping thoughts begin bleeding together. She took it too far. Had she taken it too far? Let it go too far. Maybe it was… too much. For them. For Kara. Too soon. And while her mind and heart are screaming at her that it was fine, that Kara had wanted it, been so into it… her body can't seem to shake the feeling that she is in terrible danger. Danger of being emotionally decimated in a way she might never come back from. 

But no. She’s not going to do this. This is anxiety. She’s feeling insecure, which is understandable, and she doesn’t have to let it control her.

“Get it together Luthor,” she whispers to herself as she swings her legs over the edge of the bed. 

She ends up grabbing the sheet from the floor and wrapping it around herself to go in search of Kara. She should find a toothbrush and brush her teeth first but the budding anxiety attack in her chest urges her to at least lay eyes on Kara. Maybe if she can just see her, reading quietly on the couch or staring happily out the window; maybe then she’ll be ok. But Kara isn’t on the couch. Or at the window. She’s not sitting on the balcony or cooking in the kitchen. She’s not here. There’s no message from her on Lena’s phone. Lena swallows. Should she call Kara? Would that be… needy? Annoying?

You should’ve known it was too good to be true, a small voice inside her whispers.

“She’s Supergirl,” Lena murmurs to herself, “She has emergencies.” 

She has Superspeed, the voice whispers back, She would’ve left a note if everything was fine.

Lena swallows the bile rising in her throat. She clutches the sheet around herself and sends Kara a text.

Hey, where are you?

Instantly she feels stupid and vulnerable. She stares at her phone for so long it goes dark. 

“I’m not doing this,” she says out loud, throwing her hands up, “I’m not doing this.”

She’s done too much work on herself and been through too much to let herself spiral into insanity now. She turns on her heel and heads to the bathroom. Last night was everything she’s ever wanted and she’ll be damned if she lets all her bullshit past trauma ruin it for her. Because Kara had held her so tenderly. Had worshiped her body like she’d been longing to do it for ages. 

It was real, she tells herself.

But.

But: No text. No note. No Kara.

And, as she digs through the bathroom cabinet to find a toothbrush and runs the water for the shower, her hands begin to shake. Fuck.

“You’re different now,” she tells the anxious reflection in the mirror, “Even if the worst happens, you can handle it. We can handle it.”

Then why does she feel like she just wants to run?

Lena washes her hair with Kara’s shampoo and conditioner and relishes the familiar scent. She lingers under the hot water a little longer than usual just because it’s hard to take the next step and turn the water off. She’s never showered at Kara’s before. Sure she’s fallen asleep drunk here or watching movies. But it was always easier for Kara just to fly her home in the morning. But Kara’s not here now. Lena looks around at Kara’s tidily lined up toiletries. Her outdated but clean shower. There’s a washcloth with yellow ducks on it that’s hanging neatly up to dry. She takes in every detail as if she will never see it again.

Luthor’s don’t get to be happy.

“No,” she says, voice far too wobbly, “We aren’t doing that.” 

Luthors don’t get to be loved.

A deep well of fear and grief is roiling beneath her and she is balanced precariously on a wire above it. If she could just see Kara… or hear her voice… She tries to center herself; to gaze inward and connect with her magic. Tries to use the water as an elemental grounding tool. But she’s too rattled; can’t quite reach it; can’t focus.

“No…” she pleads, and shakes her head with a jerk.

She turns off the water and steps out to towel off. She doesn’t know where Kara keeps her towels so she just uses the one hanging on the hook, Kara’s towel, and then feels guilty about it. Her hands are still shaking when she hangs it back up. Finally recognizing the emotional flood for what it is, she tries to simply focus on breathing. In and out. In. And out. Her racing thoughts feel like they are swarming her but she focuses on her breath. In. And out. Because she’s flooded. She’s in the flood. And all she can think is: I’ve got to get out of here.

She dresses clumsily in sweats and a T-shirt she found at the top of Kara’s drawer and brought with her into the bathroom. She doesn’t want to carry her own dirty clothes and doesn’t want Kara to have to deal with them so she just throws them away. She just needs to get out of here. So she makes a mental plan.

Get your jacket, Get your shoes. Get your handbag. And get out.

She can call her driver from outside. Better yet she can hop in a cab. If she can just get out of here before the flood drowns her, maybe she’ll be ok. It’s better to drown alone. Preferably under a bottle of scotch. God , the ache in her chest feels like it’s trying to split her rib cage open. She digs the heel of her hand into the space between her breasts and tries to get her lungs to open back up. Lena reviews her plan as she frantically brushes her teeth.

Jacket, shoes, handbag. 

Fuck, where did she leave her jacket though? On the floor, by the couch, she reminds herself. Shoes will be nearby. Thank GOD she wore her oxfords and not sky high heels. Her handbag is… somewhere. She’ll have to look for it. 

“God,” she whimpers as she chucks the toothbrush into the trash without even rinsing it off. 

Keep it together, keep it together, keep it together 

She combs out her hair and is momentarily frozen by the sight of her dark strands entwined with Kara’s golden ones on the comb. Her chest squeezes and tightens. She rips the hair off the comb and tosses that in the trash too. Kara might not like it. Why would she? 

Go go go go go

She flips off the bathroom light and the noisy exhaust fan. Her heart soars and then drops into her feet the moment she steps out of the bathroom. Because she can hear voices. Kara’s lovely, comforting voice. And… another; a man’s voice. Familiar. 

Mon El?

“...felt like… there was still something there,” he’s saying, and she can only hear snippets floating through the apartment.  “Between us …  SO sorry about that Kara. I’m so sorry.”

He sounds… serious. Impassioned.

Get. Out. Lena’s body screams at her. But she draws closer and pauses just inside the doorway, biting her lip, feeling like an intruder. A voyeur. This is a private conversation. Had Kara expected her to be gone? Hot pain slices through her heart.

“I understood,” Kara is saying, softly, “Are you looking for forgiveness Mon El? Because I forg-“

“I’m looking for another chance,” he says, more loudly, voice shaking with emotion.

Lena feels sick. Mon El is back. He wants another chance. With Kara. Instantly she thinks of everything Mon El could offer Kara. No need for a red light. No homophobia to deal with, as a hetero-passing couple. No Luthor baggage. No heavy, gloomy presence bringing her down. He reminds her of home. Knows what it's like to live under a red sun. To lose your whole world. Understands Kryptonian traditions; maybe even speaks the language.

Don’t, Lena tells herself, and bites her lip till it hurts.

Kara’s voice is complicated when she responds, “I can’t-“

“I know I have no right to show up like this,” he interrupts, “...and ask for another chance. I don’t even know what’s going on in your life now; if you have a boyfriend or…” he trails off.

Lena’s body goes cold; her thoughts officially turn to static and she misses entire sentences because she can’t focus on the words. She’s in the bedroom doorway now and she can see him. Just a bit of him. And he looks tall and handsome and older in a mysterious, sophisticated sort of way. Lena tastes acid.

“I’m here now,” he’s saying, voice filtering through a sudden rushing sound that seems to be coming from inside Lena’s body. “For as long as… grab lunch… coffee, sometime?”

Now her ears are ringing.

“Of course, I’d like that…“

Suddenly they are both staring at her. Because Lena is in the living room. Somehow.

Kara’s wearing one of Lena’s favorite shirts: a simple, cream colored, long-sleeved t-shirt that accentuates her narrow waist and draws attention to her golden hair and skin. Her eyes are so, so blue. And Lena can recall every moan; every whimper. But now it feels like Kara is a million miles away. And Lena feels… lost.

Jacket, shoes, handbag. 

They say her name, almost in unison. And it transports her back… to not so long ago when she was on the outside looking in… at them, so happy. Kara, so content. More so than Lena had ever seen her. It hurt to watch them together. And it hurt so much to watch her lose him. To see the shell of herself she became. A sharp pain lances through her chest. Lena tears her eyes away from Kara.

Without even realizing it’s happening Lena slips into power-CEO mode. A survival skill triggered by extreme stress. Auto-pilot. Tunnel vision. Brutally wrestles control over herself by drawing on her most cold and cerebral parts. This, she knows how to do. Cut herself into pieces and shove down the bits she doesn’t want. Before she’s even aware of what she’s doing Lena finds herself making polite, confident small talk with Mon El, who looks delighted to see her. 

“Mon El! You’re back!” She hears herself say, and notices that her handbag is suddenly on her arm- She must have found it.

He says yes, he is, “for good this time,” and looks at Kara with so much familiarity and it’s fine. It’s all fine because she’s Lena fucking Luthor and she’s leaving and she’s totally, totally fine. She locates her shoes by the couch and begins to slip them on. Lena can feel Kara’s eyes on her but can’t bear to look at her. She says something about how National City will be glad to have him back; tells them she’ll let them get caught up, or something like that. Where is her jacket!? She makes the mistake of glancing up and finding Kara instead. Kara, who, not 6 hours ago, was riding Lena to her fourth orgasm. Kara’s cheeks are flushed red, like she’s embarrassed. And her lips are moving. She’s talking. But Lena’s brain is static. Her gaze slides off of Kara and lands on her jacket. It’s on the coat rack. Bingo.

Lena, you don’t have to go, someone says, far away, so far away. 

God, when did she get so light-headed? There’s really not enough air in here.

Lena

Lena’s body strides confidently to the coat rack, muscle memory, her mind and heart just along for the ride. Kara reaches for her but Lena can’t. She just can’t. She dodges out of the way before she even has time to decide. Kara looks so sad. Because of Lena. Her arms are out like she’s trying not to spook Lena. But Lena’s not some fucking rabbit. She’s a lioness. She says some sort of polite, corporate goodbye bullshit and breezes down the hall. She’s so close to relief. If she can just get out of this godforsaken building she can fall apart.

Someone grabs her wrist, pulling her to a stop.

Kara.

“Please don’t go,” Kara says, voice slicing through both the thick static and Lena’s poorly constructed facade. 

Her touch is everything. It sends shivers up Lena’s arm. And Kara says more but Lena can’t hear it this time. Through the static. Can’t look at Kara and keep her composure. The flood of emotions has turned into an ocean and a tidal wave is towering above her so high that it’s about to take her under. Her chest is so tight. So she doesn’t look at Kara. She has to go. Now. She didn’t save anything for this. She used up exactly everything she had just to get out of the apartment and now she has nothing left.

“Please,” Lena says brokenly. “Please let me go. I need to go.”

“Lena,” Kara pleads softly, so softly, and doesn’t let go.

Magic crackles out of some deep, primal place inside Lena and arcs across her skin like electricity. There’s a sharp zapping noise and Kara jerks her hand back with a hiss.

“I’m sorry!” They both exclaim, in shocked unison.

Lena feels her mask break open and then she’s in the stairwell, gasping for breath. Jogging. Racing down the stairs. Because: fuck buildings without elevators and fuck buildings where Kara leaves her alone and fuck buildings that have Mon El in them. She almost trips between the 1st and 2nd floor because her vision is so blurred from the tears she’s trying to hold back. The near-miss finally makes her face truly crumple and by the time she makes it to the small lobby holding back tears is the least of her worries. Because then the sobs come. A few people watch her with interest. Her face burns with humiliation. Lena digs through her bag to find her sunglasses and shoves them on. Then she crashes through the doors to the outside and gulps in the fresh air. A cab is coming. She raises her hand. It stops. She scrambles inside, slams the door and sinks gratefully into the seat.

The driver asks, “Where to?”

Chapter Text

Kara had woken up, early this morning, cozy, relaxed and, honestly? A little sore. The yellow rays of morning sun peeking their way through her blinds were gradually doing their part to restore her super powers, but she could still feel the remnant aches from her night with Lena. Giddily, she thought of running to the bathroom to see if there were any visible marks, before the yellow sun could steal them away. But the sight of Lena, stretched out beside her with one hand resting on Kara’s pillow and backlit by the morning window so that she appeared to have a halo of light surrounding her, was too captivating to look away from. Her dark hair was splayed haphazardly across the pillows and her face was totally and completely relaxed. As if she had no worries in the world. It made Kara realize how rare it was to see Lena totally care free. And how she wanted to see it more. Kara was used to so many different adjectives, where Lena was concerned: brilliant, hot, obsessive, beautiful, kind, generous, scary, adorable, gorgeous, complicated. But, in that moment, as she watched Lena sleeping, a bare shoulder poking out from the bedding and that serene expression on her face, Kara was mentally adding “soft” and “angelic:” to the list.

Kara lay still for a long time just watching Lena breathe, soothed by the even in/out and the slow, rhythmic thumping of her heart. Kara’s bedding had become thoroughly disheveled during their evening activities and when they finally passed out it was with whatever corners of sheets and wads of comforter and blankets they had managed to pull over themselves. Lena seemed to have gathered all that into a nest around herself in the hours afterward. Kara, who only had a section of the comforter slung over her naked midsection, chuckled to herself and considered burrowing her cold feet under the pile of bedding until they landed on Lena’s warm, bare skin, as payback. Eventually her full bladder compelled her to sneak carefully out of bed. Her stomach was beginning to growl anyway. 

When she exited the bathroom Lena was still sleeping and Kara was seized with the amazing idea to go gather Lena breakfast and coffee from all her favorite places around the globe. If she left now, and planned around time zones, she would be back in 20-40 minutes. Lena certainly looked to be deeply asleep. They had been up late, (Kara’s cheeks grow warm at the thought,) so surely Lena would sleep for another hour or two. Perfect. And if the coffee got cold Kara could always zap it with her heat vision. She walked out into the living room and took stock of the situation. Lena’s coat and shoes were splayed haphazardly across the floor and only one of her own shoes was visible, on its side in the doorway to her bedroom. Lena’s handbag was tipped over on the couch, with things spilling out of it; her sunglasses and wallet fully on the floor. Quickly, Kara tidied up; gathering Lena’s shoes and handbag, setting them neatly together and hanging her jacket up. Kara couldn’t find her own missing shoe and almost immediately decided it didn’t matter. She would just wear another pair. She had plans after all! Exuberant, Kara took to the skies, feeling her power return to full capacity as she rose through the atmosphere. She didn’t even bother with her Super Suit. She was out to the world now anyway and not on the clock. Plus maybe she’d be able to blend in, on the ground, a little more easily without it. 

Being in the sky, in just her civilian clothes, always felt weird. The wind hit her jean-clad legs in a different way and her shirt ruffled around her. As she sped over the ocean the light caught it in rippling waves of blue, gray and green. She stopped in Paris for croissants and chocolates. Then in Spain for torrijas. Finally she swung by Italy for the perfect cappuccino, (and a pizza for herself, which she ate in the air.) This day was going to be so perfect. She would bring Lena breakfast and coffee in bed and then they’d lounge around all morning talking and laughing, maybe watch a movie, maybe shower… maybe together, then maybe they’d make it back to the bed… she’d change the sheets first of course. Lena deserves clean sheets. And then…

She was flying over the Atlantic Ocean, just East of Hawaii, when her increasingly heated thoughts were interrupted by Alex broadcasting to her on a frequency only she could hear.

“Kara? Kara? Can you hear me?”

Crap. She didn’t have her cell or her Super Com. She had no way of answering. 

“I can’t reach you on your cell or your com. If you can hear this, come to the DEO as soon as you can. I’m sorry- I know you’re off the clock. But it’s an emergency.”

“Darn it,” she muttered. 

She’d been so happy and excited to wake with Lena in her bed and in her haste to make their morning perfect, had left her phone, which was on silent, in the bottom of her work bag. It was probably totally dead and going straight to voicemail. She groaned and changed course to the DEO. She touched down on the balcony minutes later, still balancing all her purchases precariously in her arms.

“She’s here!” Someone shouted.

She heard Alex before she saw her.

“Kara! God, where were you?!” She said, marching up to her, a tablet in hand and headset on. 

She looked tired.

“I was… having a personal life!” she spluttered, then mumbled “plus I… sort of forgot my phone existed.”

Alex eyed the arm load of food she was carrying quizzically.

“How do you fly with coffee and not spill it?”

Kara stared at her.

“I’m Supergirl Alex.”

Kara could quite literally see the immense effort with which Alex restrained herself from rolling her eyes.

“And,” Kara reminded her quietly, “I’m supposed to be off the clock.”

Alex softened.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

She was about to say more when Nia and Brainy swooped in, eyeing the treats she was holding with great interest.

“Are those for us!?” Nia squealed.

“Thank god, I’m starving!” Brainy agreed, reaching out for a croissant.

Kara whirled away.

“Hey!” She squeaked, “These are not for you!”

Their faces fell. 

Backing away toward a nearby counter Kara warned, “Now I’m going to set these down right here, and if everything isn’t here when we’re done I won’t bring you guys donuts or pizza for 6 months.”

Alex, Nia and Brainy wore expressions ranging from shock, horror to unconvinced.

“People!” J’onn barked from the balcony he was storming in from, with M’gann. “We need to focus.”

Alex looked around.

“Good,” she said tightly, clearly stressed, “We’re all here.”

“Wait, where’s Lena? And Kelly” Nia interjected.

Kara’s eyes widened. 

“Uhh…” she started, looking around. 

She thought of Lena, sleeping peacefully, and very nakedly , in her bed. She thought of the perfect day she had imagined. Maybe there was still time to salvage this.

“Do we really need to bother Lena about this? She said she had plans today.”

“We don’t need to bother Lena and Kelly yet,” Alex replied. “If we can nip this in the bud now, we all could be home in time for lunch. If not… it’ll be all hands on deck. And for longer than a morning.”

“To that end,” J’onn added, with a peculiar glance at Kara, “We may have more help headed our way. Alex, I’ll fill you in on that when we have more time.”

“What’s going on guys?” Kara questioned, feeling impatient.

Alex’s face fell.

“Phantoms.”

It turned out that Brainy had detected some energy irregularities in a warehouse west of the city. Further inspection had revealed a breach between dimensions that was consistent with phantom attacks in the past. They needed to seal the hole and prevent phantoms from coming through but not before they figured out how many were already here and sending them back where they came from.

“I only detected the breach a few hours ago,” Brainy explained, with his characteristic, cool intellectualism. “J’onn and M’gann, there’s a 37% chance that the phantoms you fought are the only two who have come through.”

“I don’t like those odds,” Alex said wearily. 

J’onn clenched his teeth and M’gann put her hand on his arm. She quickly explained that she and J’onn had chased one Phantom down to a shabby strip mall with mostly boarded up stores only to discover another. They had scared them off from some civilians they were approaching but had quickly gotten in over their heads fighting them, once the people were safe.

“But how are they here!?” Kara demanded. “And why?”

“What matters most right now is catching the ones who are here and sealing the hole,” J’onn responded, urgently. “We need you Supergirl.”

”Well you’ve got me,” Kara responded firmly. “What’s our plan?”

The way Alex explained it, the mission would either be a complete failure and the world would be overtaken by phantoms… or they’d be at war for weeks, or even longer. Kara’s mouth went dry. Should she call Lena? 

As it turned out, there wasn’t time. The police department called with a phantom sighting and Kara had to rifle through the storage area to find a suit to use, costing them valuable minutes. Then the chase was on. But luck was on Kara’s side and it took only 20 minutes to round up the two J’onn and M’gann had seen earlier and force them through the hole. While Brainy kept them from coming back through using a new piece of tech Lena had helped build, Kara, Nia, M’gann and J’onn tracked down a third that had been reported by a civilian across town. Nia almost got scratched and Kara narrowly avoided an actual bite, which would have been a whole different headache to deal with. But in the end they forced it back through and, after three more hours scouring the city, they decided to seal the hole. The whole thing made Kara uneasy. They would certainly have a lot of work to do in the days to come, to figure out what, if anything, was going on. But, for the moment, there was nothing much she could do.

Of course, when she got back to the DEO and changed out of her suit she was irritated to find that someone had eaten one of the torrejas and the coffee was cold and stale. When Kelly came around the corner wiping her mouth and thanking Kara for bringing breakfast, Kara didn’t have the heart to rebuke her. She grabbed the remaining pastries, raced to Lena’s favorite local coffee shop and got two hot cappuccinos and a few muffins, then sped back to her apartment. 

Now, Kara’s heart sinks a bit when she touches down on her balcony and hears the shower running. She had so wanted to be back before Lena woke up. Instead, she was gone for hours and now it’s just past 10AM. Lena was going to wake up some time. Kara sighs and begins getting out plates and some eggs to fry. At least Lena can come out of the shower to the smell of breakfast cooking. Kara begins unwrapping the pastries and is just starting to arrange them on a plate when she hears footsteps in the hall. Then a soft knock at the door. Perplexed, she turns to x-ray the door, and almost drops the plate she’s holding. Standing on the other side of the door, gazing almost directly at her, as if he knows she can see him… is Mon El.

Kara’s brain momentarily shorts out.

Because Mon El and his handsome, haunted face, and the bittersweet memories it calls to mind, and all the pain and baggage, and every way he hurt her unintentionally, and the still tender wound of losing him so traumatically only to have him return silent, stoic and removed. And then losing him again… and again. Her heart getting a little more hard and wizened each time. And now he’s here, with no warning, which is so typical.

Kara marches to the door and throws it open.

He’s older than the last time she saw him. By years. It makes her heart ache and her head feel funny. He’s wearing a simple, casual outfit: a T-shirt and jeans with a canvas jacket thrown over. His hair and beard have little bits of gray and silver sprinkled through the brown. And there are lines etched around his eyes that only used to appear when he was smiling. He’s not smiling now. He’s staring at her like she’s an oasis in the desert. It makes her cheeks flush.

“Mon El,” she whispers.

At the sound of her voice, a warm, wistful smile breaks over his face. It’s… it’s radiant.

“Hi,” he says, eyes shining with emotion.

Kara swallows. She can hear the shower running. Now isn’t a good time. She needs to touch base with Lena. Things are so delicate right now. But she never thought she’d see him again.

“What are you doing here?” she rasps.

“I… I wanted to see you,” he says, almost like it’s a guilty confession.

When she doesn’t respond he adds, hopefully, “Look I know this is sudden but, can I come in?”

Memories are flashing through Kara’s mind. And she catches a whiff of his scent; exactly the same. She has so many questions. About the future. Most of which he probably won’t answer, so why bother? Mon El is a locked door to both the future and the past. She learned that a long time ago.

Lena

“I’m… sorry,” she says, fighting to keep her voice even. “Now isn’t a good time. How long are you… in town? Are you here on… business?”

“No,” he says with a small chuckle, “Actually, I’m… I’m here for you.”

He seems to startle at his own words and Kara’s sure whatever is happening on her face isn’t helping. 

“God! S-sorry,” he says shaking his head at himself and laughing in a self deprecating way, “That came out wrong. I- I need to talk to you,” he says. “And I’m sorry to drop by, unexpected, like this, I- I guess… I missed you? And,” he smiled wryly. “I just wanted to see you. But, I should’ve texted.”

It takes Kara a moment to wrap her head around this. She nods and can feel the deep crease between her eyes.

“God,” he says, eyes going pained and glossy, “You look exactly the same.”

He says it as if it’s been many years. She supposed it has been, for him.

“You look older,” she says softly. “How long has it been? For you?” 

“About six years,” he says with a smile, voice breaking a little. “Give or take.”

Kara doesn’t know what to say to that. It had been seven years the first time he came back. And then a couple more, she guesses, between his other reappearances. And, for her, it’s been about a year since then so, she supposed it makes sense. God, that would make him what, 40?

“41,” he says wryly, in answer to her unasked question. 

She swallows a lump forming in her throat. 

“It suits you.”

Because it does. He chuckles good naturedly, ducks his head for a moment.

“How’s Imra?” she asks.

And for a moment he looks totally blank, like he’s not even sure what she’s talking about, but then he seems to refocus and says, “She’s well! Really well. Remarried and with two children! We separated not long after I saw you last. It was very amicable.”

“Oh,” Kara says, voice small.

And there’s a moment where they just stare at each other. He’s looking at her with so much naked affection that it makes her heart tremble with an overwhelming combination of grief and rage and wistfulness and… affection.

“So… what do you need to talk to me about?” she murmurs, masochistic curiosity getting the best of her.

She digs her fingers into the wood of the door jamb and hears a creak. 

“Everything ok in the future?”

He’s looking at her like she’s everything. Like he doesn’t at all resent being made to stand in the hall, when he once came and went as he pleased. Like he feels grateful just to be in the same building as her, the same timeline.

“Yeah,” he says, smiling softly, “everything’s fine. The people leading the Legion now, they’ve,” he waves dismissively, “they’ve totally got it. Truthfully I should have handed it off to them years ago, but you know,” he looks at her with twinkling eyes, “it’s one thing to train someone, it’s another to trust them.”

She chuckles, “Ah. Yes I do know about that.”

“God,” he says wistfully, “I was such an idiot when we met.” His smile turns regretful. “It’s still amazing to me that you even gave me the time of day.”

She grins softly, “Well, I saw something in you. And look at the man you’ve become.”

He smiles so affectionately at her. And his wistfulness is making Kara nervous. 

Lena

She opens her mouth to tell him again that now isn’t a good time, but he intercepts her, words tumbling out in a rush.

“Kara, when I came back. That first time. I- it almost didn’t feel real. So much time had gone by for me and so much had happened, and it was like I was looking backwards at you through this long tunnel of time… at my… former self, even. And everything was so urgent- thwarting the world killers and preserving the timeline. I had so many lives on my shoulders, and you did too-“

“Mon El, it’s ok!” Kara interrupts, “I know. We all did our best. It was a tough situation.”

Why is he here now, saying all this?

“Thanks,” he says wryly. “You know… when we were on Argo,” his voice and eyes turn careful, “It… it just felt like maybe there was still something there. Between us. A-and I chose the future over you. And I’m just. I’m just SO sorry about that Kara. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s ok,” she says gently, touched but bewildered, “I understood. I- are you looking for forgiveness Mon El? Because I forg-“

“I’m looking for another chance,” he interrupts, voice cracking with emotion.

Then he winces, as if frustrated with himself. Kara stiffens.

“I-“ she stammers, “I can’t-“

“I know I have no right to show up like this and ask for another chance. I don’t even know what’s going on in your life right now; if you have a boyfriend or…” he trails off, glancing behind Kara at her apartment. 

What should Kara say? She has Lena. Lena is more than a partner. But they haven’t named it yet. And she’s right here, in the next room practically. And now that Kara is paying attention, she realizes she can’t hear the shower any more. 

“I know I hurt you Kara,” he says so softly, “I know I broke your heart.”

A small stab of remnant pain lances through her and she lets out a puff of breath. He did break her heart.

“It was a long time ago,” she says, voice numb.

“It took me a long time… too long, to realize I’d broken mine too,” he says, with a voice that says he’s not expecting anything, “You were, and are, the best thing that ever happened to me. The most beautiful, intelligent, kind, strong person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. And not a day goes by that I don’t regret leaving you, when I had the chance to stay. But, I’m here now. For as long as… well, indefinitely, I guess. I’m gonna work with J’onn on some things. Get reacquainted with this time. And I can give you space, if that’s easier. But maybe we could grab lunch. Or coffee, sometime? I just. I really miss you.”

Kara stares at him.

“Of course,” she says softly, still trying to get her head around all the things he just said. 

She can agree to coffee. Because she’s missed him too. And, if nothing else, she would like to be friends with Mon El. 

“I’d like that. But-“

The sound of a floorboard creaking behind her catches her attention. Lena.

She whirls, not bothering to conceal her Superspeed, and finds Lena standing just outside her bedroom, hair damp, no makeup on and wearing Kara’s clothes. It’s an unbearably sexy sight, or would be, if not for the fact that Lena’s heart is racing and her posture is more vulnerable and unsure than Kara’s ever seen it. Lena’s green eyes are dancing back and forth between Kara and Mon El, who is now just inside the doorway, looking delighted to see her. 

“Lena,” Kara says softly, and comes out sounding guilty, somehow. 

“Lena!” Mon El says, warmly.

A pink flush from the shower is still lingering on Lena’s cheeks. There’s a hickey on her neck; a pink/purple splotch against the pale alabaster of her skin. Kara wonders if Mon El can see it. Pridefully, irrationally, she hopes that he will notice. Lena is nervously twisting her fingers together. Her fingers, that only hours prior were taking Kara apart bit by bit. At the sound of their voices, Lena’s whole demeanor shifts. Her vulnerability melts away like she’s shedding a skin; or becomes completely enclosed within the armor of polite, aloof, professionalism that Kara knows so well. Lena’s spine straightens and her shoulders roll back. Kara has an eerie recollection of being enclosed within her nano-armored suit for the first time.

“Mon El,” Lena says with a polite, friendly smile, “You’re back!”

He beams at her and puts his hands in his pockets. 

“I am,” he says, with a shy glance at Kara. “For good this time.”

Lena freezes for a moment. Just a moment, but Kara catches it. Then she’s glancing around the room, poised and alert, picking up her handbag and bending to grab her shoes.

Her voice is clear, and steady as a bell chime, when she says, “Well, National City will be glad to have you back.”

Kara doesn’t understand what’s happening. Lena is not ok. She’s… she's… leaving. Kara’s heart drops.

“I’m sure you both have so much to catch up on!” Lena says cordially, slipping on her shoes, “I’ll get out of your hair and leave you to it.” 

And even though she’s stooping down with damp hair to tie her nice Oxford shoes while wearing Kara’s old sweats, she somehow maintains an aura of complete competence; someone who’s about to take over a company or verbally destroy a board room full of hostile suits.

“You’re going?” Kara asks, surprised; confused. 

Hurt.

“Lena, you don’t have to go!” Kara says again, watching her rise smoothly and locate her jacket, behind Kara on the coat rack.

Lena acts as if she hasn’t spoken. Doesn’t even look at Kara; her face, an impenetrable mask. There was a time this face would have terrified Kara but now it makes her heart ache, even as she practically drowns in her own bewilderment. God, Lena is totally freaking out. She breezes purposely through the space between Kara and Mon El, takes her jacket from the coat rack and folds it neatly over one arm. Her posture is straight. Polite. Kara notices that her hands are trembling.

“Right!” Lena says, looking at both their faces briefly (though not quite their eyes,) in a voice that is so bright and professional it makes Kara want to cry.

“Lena,” she says gently, reaching for her arm. 

Normally they would hug goodbye, or even kiss on the cheek. And after last night… It’s just… Kara had thought… But Lena smiles tightly and backs up a step. Mon El glances between them, brow furrowing.

“I’ve… interrupted your morning. I’m sorry.”

“Lena, I can catch up with Mon El another time,” Kara says carefully, hands out as if to soothe a frightened animal.

There’s a beat and then Mon El is saying, “Yes, of course. I was just going anyway.”

But Lena’s already halfway down the hall, calling over her shoulder, in a strained attempt at cheerfulness, “No need! I’ll catch up with you both another time!”

Like Kara’s some freaking casual acquaintance.

Exasperated, Kara runs after her, “Lena, Lena, wait! Wait!”

She catches up to Lena just as she reaches the door to the stairwell and grabs her arm in a loose grip that slips down to Lena’s wrist. Lena stops but won’t look at her and it hurts.

“Please don’t go,” Kara says, quietly. “This isn’t…” she waves in the direction of her open doorway. “I had no idea he’d just show up like that. I didn’t know he was back.”

Lena stares resolutely at Kara’s shoulder as if she isn’t even listening. She tries to pull her arm free but Kara won’t let her.

“Please,” she says quietly, voice tight. “Please let me go. I need to go.”

She’s blinking. Gritting her teeth. Her stare is a million miles away, inside herself. In a place Kara can’t reach. 

“Will you call?” Kara says, the bare-faced fear in her voice evident.

A sudden bolt of electricity zings from Lena’s arm and up into Kara’s hand and she lets go with a hiss. It’s only a small hurt but it surprises her into realizing she had been holding Lena against her will.

“I’m sorry!” they both exclaim, finally, finally making eye contact. Lena’s eyes are so green. And Kara watches her shocked face begin to crumble into something else.

She feels like a thousand tiny knives are stabbing her heart.

Then Lena’s just gone. Pushing through the stairwell door while Kara stands there in shock. Of course Kara can still hear her jogging down the stairs. Can hear her riotous heartbeat. Can hear her breathing get ragged as she nears the bottom. And, right before she heads out onto the street, the tiniest… sob.

When Kara gets back to her apartment, Mon El is standing very still and staring at the two take-out coffee cups on the counter. The warm pastries Kara had been arranging on a plate are next to them, growing cold. He turns when he hears her approach, a look of thoughtful contrition on his face.

“Sorry I’m still here,” he says, motioning to the hall, “I didn’t want to interrupt.”

Kara stares at him. In what world did she end up with Mon El in her apartment this morning instead of Lena!?

“Yeah,” Kara murmurs as she begins to pace, pinching the crease between her eyebrows, trying to wrap her head around what just happened.

Lena was so upset. Something had really rattled her. Was it their night together? Had Kara done something wrong? Did Lena regret it? Anxiety gnaws at Kara’s gut and she drapes an arm over her stomach. Rao, she should never have left Lena alone. It’s just, the morning had gone so completely off the rails! 

“Seems like I’m always messing up your life,” Mon El says wryly, reminding her that he’s still there, a half-hearted attempt to lighten the mood. “Seriously, I’m so sorry Kara. For everything.”

She nods and hums distractedly, trying to figure out what to do next.

“Will you be ok if I go?” he asks.

This gets her attention and she jerks back to reality.

A hot flash of rage rips through her and she practically spits, “I have been every other time you’ve left. I don’t see why this would be any different.”

He flinches. Looks away. She immediately regrets speaking so sharply to him. She’s extremely stressed, but that’s no reason to take it out on him. After all, he had no way of knowing what a precarious moment he’d walked in on.

“I deserved that,” he says, “I’ll… leave you be.”

“Yeah,” she says, not looking at him. “I mean, no. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry. But. Yeah, I need some space.”

She hears him pause, half out the door.

“If you ever need anything. Even just a friend to talk to. I’ll be around.”

“Thanks,” she murmurs, lost in thought.

She barely registers the door closing. This can’t stand, she thinks, with her hands on her hips. Her amazing night with Lena can’t end this way. They’ve been through too much for this to happen. Kara is going to find her and figure out how to get Lena to talk to her and they will work this out.

She takes to the sky before she’s even consciously made the decision to. She’s landing on Lena’s balcony only moments later. It occurs to her that she shouldn’t just barge in like she usually does so she waits, listens carefully, there’s no one inside. She waits a few agonizing moments before she succumbs to texting Lena. First she has to dig her phone out of her work bag and then she has to plug it in. And then wait for it to charge enough to turn it on.

When she opens up her texting app and sees that Lena had texted her an hour ago, Hey, where are you? her uneasiness grows.

Are you ok? she says, Can we talk?

No response.

Mon El stopping by- maybe that was a shock? It was to me. But you were my priority. I should have made him leave and I’m sorry.

I’m at your place

Please talk to me

After another few minutes with no answer Kara calls her. There’s no response. She calls again. It goes to voicemail. She doesn’t even know what to say so she doesn’t leave a message.

She takes to the skies in a burst of anxious energy. She tries Lena’s foundation, her L-Corp office, her various labs and also the DEO. Everywhere she goes she asks people, have you seen Lena? Have you heard from her? But the answer is always confused head shaking and “is something wrong?”

When Lena’s apartment is still empty, upon Kara’s second visit, she buys some donuts and walks through the grand entry doors to try and butter the doorman and Reception desk attendant into giving her some information. They know her and are friendly and kind but truly don’t seem to know or have seen anything. She texts Lena again, while they call up to the penthouse.

Hey I’m worried about you. I’m not trying to be a stalker. Just let me know you’re ok and I’ll leave you alone.

The woman at the reception desk asks Kara if she should alert the police that Lena is missing.

“No,” she says reassuringly, “That’s ok. I’m sure everything is fine. I’ll do it myself if I don’t hear from her soon.”

Lena would not want a fuss.

So Kara goes home and paces some more. She anxiously changes the sheets and makes the bed. Before chucking the wad of used sheets into the laundry hamper she cradles them tenderly, in her arms; holds them to her face and breathes in her and Lena’s mingled scents. The smell of sex. She shivers. And hopes to god that last night wasn’t a one time thing.

When she goes to the bathroom she is surprised to find Lena’s clothes in the trash. Her chest tightens. A used toothbrush has smeared toothpaste all over Lena’s pants. Had the clothes been ruined somehow? Or did Lena just not want the reminder of what they had done? Kara swallows a lump in her throat. With hands that feel suddenly weak and clumsy she removes the clothes from the trash and sets them aside for washing.

She tries to do some work but in reality spends the next couple hours debating the moral pros and cons of tracking Lena’s phone. When Lena still isn’t around during Kara’s third round of checking all her usual locations Kara makes her way to Alex’s office, at the DEO. 

“I need your help tracking Lena’s phone.”

Alex stares at her for a long time, then leans back in her chair and nods to the seat next to her.

“Tell me what’s going on,” she says calmly, as Kara sinks wearily into the seat.

She tells Alex everything. About realizing she has feelings for Lena. And realizing Lena has feelings for her. And the wonderful joy of acting on it. She spares her the details of the sex of course. Alex looks uncomfortable enough when she mentions doing “a lot more than kissing,” last night. Halfway through her explanation Kara jumps up and starts pacing. She tells Alex about Mon El showing up and Lena bolting and how upset and out of it she’d seemed. She doesn’t mention the dark, sticky shame creeping up on her, but whatever Alex sees in her body language causes her to take Kara’s hand, and squeeze gently. 

“Hey, can you just… sit back down?” Then, “Clearly I need to have a conversation with J’onn about making unilateral decisions without consulting me.”

“So you didn’t know he was coming back?” she asks, suddenly realizing how desperately she wants that to be true.

“I didn’t know,” Alex assures her. “I would have told you Kar.”

“I know…” Kara says, slouching over to lean her elbows on her knees, “I guess… I’m worried I did something wrong? Hurt her or something.”

“But she seemed… ok… last night?” Alex asks gently.

Kara scoffs, “More than ok,” before she can think better of it.

Alex cringes but makes a valiant effort at letting the mental images go. 

“No wonder you wanted to get home so bad this morning,” she mutters.

Then, more clearly, “Look. You know Lena. She has a lot of demons. She’s… complex. Maybe she thought you bailed. Maybe having Mon El there was too much. She probably just needs time to cool off.”

“You didn’t see her Alex,” Kara sighs, hanging her head. “I know her. I’m worried.”

She collapses back against her chair with a groan and squeezes her eyes shut.

“God, this is exactly, what I was afraid of! We were in such a good place and I just… took a machete to our relationship… apparently.”

Alex is staring at her incredulously.

“Well- Kara you can’t just blame yourself when you have no idea what happened!”

Kara gives Alex her most sincere, most heartfelt puppy dog eyes and watches her crumble. Alex groans.

“Fine! Fine,” she says, whirling to her computer. “In the name of love… I will track her phone.”

“Love!” Kara squeaks, in surprise, “I never sai-“ 

Alex cuts her off with a scathing expression that somehow manages to convey, “Please, Kara. Neither of us are idiots so save us both the trouble,” without saying any words.

“Thank you,” Kara says, softly. 

—

Both of them should have known that Lena Luthor is far too savvy for something as pedestrian as “having her phone tracked.” They try everything they can think of, without involving anyone else, but to no avail. It sends a chill down Kara’s spine. If Lena really wanted to, she could disappear forever and Kara would never find her. Wherever Lena is, she doesn’t want to be found. Not by Kara. After a hug from Alex and a promise to keep her updated she has no choice but to head home.

—

An answer finally comes later that night, as Kara is getting ready for bed. Her phone buzzes, from her nightstand, and she dives for it.

I’m ok.

Need some time. I’ll call when I can. 

Kara doesn’t know what to say other than, Ok. I’ll be here when you’re ready.

She crawls into a lonely bed to wait for sleep, wondering how everything went so wrong in the space of one day.

Chapter Text

Curled in on herself, in the massive hotel bed, Lena stares blankly at the slivers of light slipping in around the blackout shades. They had started as a faint ghostly outline and, as the sun came up, became sharp lines of white. At some point, Lena imagines, warm yellow sun may start to seep in, against her wishes and best efforts. But maybe not. It is winter after all. She rolls to her other side, facing away from the windows, and curls back into a ball, remembering the night she spent wrapped in Kara’s warm, golden arms. Her eyes clench against the memory.

When she left Kara’s building Lena had been, miraculously, able to hail a cab within moments. The driver had taken her straight to the airport where she quickly bought a ticket and then made her way to the overpriced airport shops to pick up some clothes and toiletries. After that she spent a couple hours drinking scotch at the swanky bar in the VIP lounge until it was time to go. No one talked to her. In fact, people seemed to give a wide berth. She must have looked a sight; sore, red nose and dark sunglasses indoors. She sniffled from time to time and scrubbed the tears from her face as inconspicuous as possible. Her thoughts and feelings had been a murky soup cooking over low heat; occasionally she ladled out a spoonful, to see if it was done. It never was. The only thing she had to guide her was her body’s panicked insistence that she needed to run. And run, she did. She slept most of the way to Metropolis. And when she got to the hotel, she slept the rest of the day. Around 10PM she had gotten up to use the bathroom and made the mistake of checking her phone, which was on it’s last couple percentage points of battery. Just as she feared: a boatload of email, text and voicemail notifications, many from Kara, assaulted her from the small, too-bright screen. Too many to absorb. Kara’s concern, though, was evident. And all Lena could feel was pain. And self-loathing. She offered what she could.

I’m ok, she texted. Need some time. I’ll call when I can. 

Then she tossed her phone back in her bag, to die, and crawled under the covers again.

Now it’s early morning. Probably. Her mind and heart could probably lay here a whole extra day. But her body is growing cramped, and tired of being in bed. Her head is throbbing; in need of food, water and caffeine. So Lena pulls herself from the sheets, cracks the edge of one curtain enough to let in a little light and drags herself to the bathroom. When she gets out of the shower she finds her charger and plugs in her dead phone with a feeling of dread. Room service has delivered toast, coffee and ibuprofen, all of which her body forces her to inhale. And as she is finishing the last swig of coffee, her phone powers up enough to use. She swipes all the notifications away as fast as she can and pulls up Sam’s contact information.

Hey, she texts, I’m in town. Are you free for lunch?

Lena leaves the hotel dressed and made up and feeling pretty confident, and even a little proud of herself, that she is nailing her project of “looking normal.” But when Sam (waving enthusiastically from their table in the restaurant) catches sight of her, Lena watches her wide smile fall and her eyebrows scrunch in concern.

“What happened?!” Sam asks, standing to hug Lena tightly when she reaches the table.

Lena feels numb. Adrift. Observed. As she stares into her friend’s worried eyes she has the odd feeling that she’s floating somewhere far away, watching the world around her through some sort of periscope or binoculars; That she’s not quite sure why she’s here; in Metropolis… in this restaurant… on this planet… in this plane of existence.

“I-“ she begins, then has to clear her throat. “I’m… uh...”

Sam guides her into her seat and hands her a napkin for the tears trickling down her cheeks. Embarrassed, Lena digs out her sunglasses again. God, why had she even bothered with eyeliner? She relays the last few months of her relationship with Kara in no more than 30 seconds; hears how odd and flat her voice sounds.

“I’m in love with Kara. And, as it turns out, she has feelings for me too, or… an attraction, anyway. We…kissed a lot. And then we… we had sex. And then the next morning she wasn’t there. And then she was there but her ex boyfriend was also there and he wants her back. So I left.”

Sam is staring at her with raised eyebrows and wide eyes. Lena supposes it is a lot to take in.

“I’m sorry, Sam,” Lena mutters, pinching the bridge of her nose, “I’m not actually sure why I’m here.”

“Ok, Lena? Listen,” Sam says, clutching her hand tightly. “You did the right thing. Ok? You’re hurting and confused and rather than crawl under a rock, you reached out to someone who loves you.”

Sam’s hand is warm. She wiggles their joined hands slightly. 

“I’m proud of you.”

Lena smiles a watery little smile at her dear friend and squeezes back.

“Now,” Sam continues, gently, “I need you to tell me all that stuff again… but with a lot more detail.”

Lena takes a deep breath. She thinks of pressing Kara against the hallway wall; of that first, sweet taste of her. Of wrapping her legs around Kara’s golden hair. Of the warm, perfect slide of their bare skin, together. Of Kara groaning into the quiet of her red- lit bedroom. Of everything being so right. And then the icy, bitter plunge into a harsh reality the next morning. Her throat starts to constrict.

“I’m… I'm not sure I can,” she rasps. 

Sam’s soft brown eyes are filled with care.

“Well,” Sam says, taking a roll from the bread basket and beginning to butter it, “Let’s just have lunch then. Maybe afterwards we can go for a walk.”

“Ok,” Lena says, voice small, “Can you just…  talk about you, for a while?”

So Sam does. She tells Lena all about Ruby; her classes; her evolving interests; her first crush that Sam isn’t supposed to know about. She tells Lena about the jackass co-leading an initiative with her at work and all the terrible men she’s been on dates with recently. And as the lunch goes on Lena finds herself relaxing a bit. Warming a bit. After lunch she orders a latte, to go; more to keep her hands warm than anything else, and they walk. They walk away from the hulking business district and toward the big park with the tall trees and the wide paths.

“I think I kind of knew, you know,” Sam says, after a few minutes of easy silence. 

When Lena looks at her she continues, “How you felt about Kara.”

Lena feels defensive. Defeated.

She just says, “How?”

Sam shrugs. 

“I’m not sure, really. Something about the way you look at her?”

“How do I look at her?” Lena asks, feeling foolish.

It’s been a long time since Sam was around them both. Has it always been obvious? Sam smiles softly to herself.

“Like she’s the most important person in the world.”

Lena wants to reply that Kara is; she is the most important person in the world. She’s saved it a hundred times over. Has saved Lena in a thousand different ways, small and huge. But she supposes that would just prove Sam’s point. 

“How was the sex?” Sam says.

Lena does a shocked double take. Sam’s eyes are twinkling.

Lena clears her throat and considers the question carefully.

“It was… amazing,” she says quietly, looking away.

Her heart squeezes.

“Oh sweetie,” Sam says, and puts an arm around her.

Sam is watching her. Lena can feel her kind eyes.

“You said Kara’s ex boyfriend wanted her back. Did you mean Mon El?”

Lena sighs and keeps her bleak gaze trained forward, on a couple up ahead who are pushing a baby stroller.

“Yes,” she says.

The couple stops to lean over the stroller and fuss with this and that as a faint waaaaaa drifts back.

“And what does Kara want?” Sam asks.

Lena turns to look at her, not quite understanding the question. 

“I mean… she didn’t exactly say, yet. But obviously she's gonna want-“ her voice cracks open and floats away.

Lena blinks back tears and rips her gaze away. They pass the couple with the baby, who are angling toward a bench; the red faced infant is wailing from where they are tucked closely against their father’s shoulder.

Sam gives her a moment to collect herself and then gently asks, “What did she say, Lena?”

Lena gropes for words.

“I’m… I’m not sure.”

It’s hard to explain that she hadn’t been able to understand almost anything that was said; it had been as if she were hearing a foreign language. 

“Nothing. I guess. They were there. Together. He said he’s staying and he wants another chance. And then I left. She tried to stop me and my magic sort of… burst out of me and shocked her… like electrically, or something. I didn’t do it on purpose… but the look on her face…”

Lena cringes at the shameful memory.

“I hurt her, Sam,” Lena says, with a small sob, and wipes another tear away.

“Oh honey,” Sam says, and digs a tissue out of her purse.

“Yeah,” Lena sniffles, and wipes her nose with the tissue, “I didn’t even know I could do that.”

Sam puts an arm around her. Unafraid of touching her in spite of her admission.

“You must have been really upset, for your magic to pop out of you like that,” she says.

“I was.”

“But Kara didn’t say that she doesn’t want to be with you.”

“Well- no, we haven’t really had a chance to talk about anything. But… she will. She should. I’m a mess Sam. Why would she ever choose me over him? How could I ever even put her in that position? Mon El he’s… he’s better for her. She was happy with him. You didn’t see it, before he left the first time, but… she was. She really was.”

“And you don’t think she could be happy with you?”

“I- I guess… no? Not like that. No. I don’t.”

“Lena, ” Sam scolds, gently.

Lena looks away. She feels, suddenly, very done with this conversation. They have looped back around to the park entrance they came in at. Sam’s smart watch buzzes and she holds it up to glance through notifications.

“Ugh. I have to go. Are you sticking around or heading back?”

Lena stares at her.

“I- I don’t know,” she stammers.

Sam’s expression softens further.

“Ok. Well, until you figure it out, you’re staying with me. I’ll pick you up tonight.”

Lena wants to protest. Doesn’t want to be a burden or inconvenience. But Sam has that loving, insistent look in her eyes and Lena knows she will get what she wants; one way or another. Lena swallows the lump in her throat.

“Ok,” she says, with a nod.

Sam takes her by both shoulders. 

“Do something nice for yourself today,” she says. “And think about talking to Kara, ok? I really think you two should talk.”

Lena gazes back at her, muddled and confused. Talking to Kara seems… impossible. Unfathomable.

“I- I’ll think about it,” she lies.

Sam squeezes her shoulders and heads off toward her office.

Lena walks aimlessly, through the crowded streets, trying to clear her foggy head. She should be doing something. There are many “somethings”, in fact, that she is supposed to be doing. People who are probably trying to get in touch with her. Needing things from her. But her phone stays in the bottom of her handbag on silent mode. Just a few more minutes, she tells herself, and meanders down another street; going through the motions of glancing in shop windows and at the tables of sunglasses and knicknacks set up along the sidewalks.

Finally, after many hours of this, she finds that her feet have carried her back to the hotel so she makes her way to the hotel bar and orders a scotch. Slouched on her bar stool and about halfway through the drink Lena summons enough courage to look at her phone again. The amount of notifications is staggering and she forces herself to ignore them. Instead she calls her assistant.

Amir, a competent and detail oriented young man that acts more as an administrative manager at Lena’s foundation is glad to hear from her. After Lena lost L-Corp and started working with the Superfriends, she didn’t feel the need to have a true assistant, like she has in the past. And given the amount of times she’s been betrayed, she doubts she will ever be able to trust someone enough to fill that role again. But, if Lena could trust, Amir would make a good executive assistant. He has never pried into Lena’s private life in the past, something she is immensely grateful for. Nevertheless, he is understandably concerned that she missed their weekly check in and has seemingly blown off every meeting she had scheduled for the past two days, without a word.

Lena puts him off with a professional “I’m sorry, I’ve not been well. I think I’ll be out for a few more days.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” he replies. “Is there anything you need?”

“No, thank you,” Lena murmurs, rubbing her, suddenly throbbing, temple. “Have there been any emergencies?”

He begins to run down a list of items that need her attention but she cuts him off, unable to absorb the details. 

“Actually- listen, I’m sorry Amir, I know it’s outside your usual job description but I'd like to have you access all my calendars and reschedule any meetings until next week at the earliest.”

“Of course, That’s no problem, Ms. Luthor,”

“Thank you. Can you weed through my texts and emails too, if you have time? I’ll give you temporary access. Also Voicemails. Ignore the personal stuff and answer what you can of the rest.”

“Of course, I can do that.”

“And if you could please send me a summary, when you’re done. I’ll start catching up with whatever I can tomorrow.”

If she can see it all in black and white, on a page, she knows her cerebral side will kick in and at least she can get some work done while she’s here.

“I’ll have it to you by the morning,” Amir replies.

“Thank you. I’ll of course pay you any overtime you need to get it done but only do what you can, Amir. I don’t want you losing sleep over this.”

“Sure,” he says, “That’s no problem.” Then, more hesitantly, “But… Ms. Luthor, are you ok? Would you like me to make a doctor's appointment or send some food over?”

“No,” she murmurs. “No thank you. I’m out of town.”

There’s a pause.

“Ok. Um, Ms. Danvers has been trying to reach you.”

Lena closes her eyes.

“She’s stopped by several times and called-“

“Yes,” Lena interrupts, “Thank you, I’ll get in touch.”

She considers whether she can manage contacting Kara. She really does. But the soup in her brain just bubbles opaquely. 

Then Sam picks her up and takes her to her cozy home and sets her up in the guest room. Lena spends a couple of days like that: working from bed or Sam’s kitchen table; eating dinner with Sam and Ruby; watching tv at night together or going to Ruby’s soccer games. It’s numb and nice and almost safe-feeling. 

Every day Sam asks Lena if she’s spoken with Kara yet.

“Not just yet,” she replies.

—

Lena knows she needs to go back. That the longer she hides the more damage she will do to her relationship with Kara. Whatever relationship may still be possible. She still doesn’t know what to do or how to feel or what to say. But she knows she can’t delay any longer. She has to try to just bumble through and hope she doesn’t make everything worse. 

Chapter Text

When Kara realized she couldn’t track Lena’s phone, she knew it was time to stop looking. And when, several hours later, she received Lena’s text saying that she was ok, and needed time, any fantasies of flying around the globe to check in with the few friends and vacation spots Lena is most likely to be hiding out at evaporated. Because if Lena wants space, especially, space from Kara; so much space that she has seemingly gone into hiding; Kara has to respect that. And, in fact, she’s now too busy dealing with her own feelings about Lena not wanting to see her to even consider trying to find Lena and make Lena face her. Lena doesn’t want to see her. Lena doesn’t want to see her. 

After a lot of thought, Kara is pretty sure she can guess where Lena is anyway. Which means: at least she’s safe.

In the 5 days that Lena’s been MIA, Kara's emotional journey has taken her on a rollercoaster from “confused but hopeful” to “shocked and worried” through “sad and anxious” and then “hurt and insecure.” Now, her state of mind seems to be swinging between “angry and offended” to “abandoned and rejected.” But still sad. Always: sad.

She goes through her routines at CatCo and the DEO. There are a lot of unexplained phenomena  cropping up lately and Brainy is spending a lot of time tracking everything. He seems to think there is a pattern to it all but Kara can’t make heads or tails of it other than a vague creeping unease. At night she works late from her balcony or kitchen table, editing articles and corresponding with department heads. When she can’t sleep she soars high, high up above the city. So far up that she has to be careful to avoid aircraft. She doesn’t want to rattle any pilots into making mistakes. And always, she listens, listens, listens for Lena’s heartbeat. She hears a similar one here or there; similar enough to make her head whip around. But it’s never Lena. 

It’s Friday night, and she is just turning back around, away from yet another false alarm, toward her plate of fries and chicken wings when a familiar hand sets down two cold beer bottles beside her. Mon El slides into the booth opposite her, taking one of the bottles for himself and leaving one for her. A flash of annoyance washes through her but she swallows it. They haven’t really caught up since he got back. 

“I just wanted to say… hi,” he said, sheepishly, “Would you rather be alone? You can keep the beer.”

Kara chuckles.

“Oh, well thank you.” 

She nods in thanks and takes the beer.

“It’s ok,” she says, with warmth, “Hi. How are you? I’m sorry I haven’t checked on you since you got back.”

“It’s ok,” he responds, sincerely, “I know you’re busy. Chief of CatCo and all…”

His eyes glint with something both teasing and impressed. Kara squints a little. She’s still not used to him looking older. She chuckles again and looks down at her food. This was something they always did well; the light-hearted banter.

“Yeah,” she says. “It can be a lot. But, how about you? Are you settling in?”

“Uh… yeah,” he says, thoughtfully, “It’s been good. To be back. I missed the food.”

He snags one of her fries and it makes her grin. Kara toys with her beer bottle.

“What are you working on with J’onn?”

“Wellll we were supposed to be mapping out some patterns and histories of different, hostile aliens,” he says, taking a swig of his beer, “But apparently, J’onn got pretty chewed out by Alex for not respecting her authority as Department Head.”

“I heard,” Kara says, taking a bite of her own fry.

Alex had waited until the dust of Lena’s sudden disappearance settled for a full day before perching on Kara’s couch one night, with a huge glass of wine, to vent.

“It’s like he’s completely forgotten that he made me the Head!” she said. “If he wants to bring Mon El in, fine, that’s great, but I have plenty of other uses for him besides J’onn’s pet projects.”

Alex’s annoyance was half-hearted though. They both love J’onn like a father, including and in spite of his quirks. Kara didn’t really pay attention to how it all got resolved. There are, truly, many ways Mon El could be invaluable to all of them. 

Now, he chuckles, “Yeah, it all got sorted out. Mainly I’m just trying to keep busy but not… too busy.”

He flicks at the edge of the paper label on his beer bottle with his thumb nail.

“I’m actually gonna start working here again,” he continues, “Tomorrow night! So, you know… tell all your friends.”

Kara’s eyebrows shoot up.

“Wow,” she says, “That’s…”

She scrambles for a word that won’t come off as insulting. Why would Mon El, who has led armies in battle, who created the Legion, and made his way to the future and back again several times over, want to be a bartender? He sees her thoughts racing and smiles; amused.

“I know, I know,” he says, and then his expression dims. “I guess I… just want to do something low-stakes… for a change.”

He returns to fiddling with his label. Kara suddenly sees his weariness; thinks of all the death and loss he’s witnessed. All the things she will likely never know.

She places a hesitant hand over his fiddling one. 

“That makes perfect sense,” she says.

Mon El’s hands go very still and his eyes lock onto hers.

“I’m sorry again,” he says softly, “For putting you on the spot the other day and interrupting your… time with Lena. How is she by the way? I haven’t seen her.”

Kara eyes him. Does he know?

“It’s ok,” she responds, pulling her hand back as casually as she can, “It was just… bad timing.” 

She crosses her arms and leans back against the booth. 

“And, uh… she’s been busy. But hopefully it settles down soon.”

His searching eyes take her in. 

“Look, Kara, I don’t want to put you on the spot,” he says, “You know how I feel. But I don’t want you to think I’m expecting anything. I mean, I hope we can be friends-”

“Of course, I’d like that-” she interrupts, with a smile.

But Mon El isn’t done. He rushes to continue.

“I just wanted you to know in case… you might be able to have feelings for me again… too… someday.”

Kara doesn’t know what to say to that hopeful comment. The longer she says nothing, the more Mon El’s face falls.

“It’s just…” she says, folding her napkin and smoothing out all the creases, “I’m sort of… seeing someone. I think.” 

“You don’t sound too sure.”

“Yeah,” she replies, glancing between Mon El and the napkin, “It’s… new. And complicated.”

What an understatement, she thinks.

She meets Mon El’s gaze, and continues, “But, I really want to see where it goes. So, I’m sorry, Mon El-”

“It’s ok!” he interrupts, waving his hand a little to stop her. 

His eyes are so sincere and caring.

“It’s- I told you. I don’t want to mess up your life. I just… I wanted you to know.” 

Kara doesn’t find the words to respond before Mon El looks around, smacks his hands on the table, with light-hearted finality, and stands up. 

After a moment of consideration, he adds, “You deserve to be happy, Kara. So, whoever it is you’re seeing… I hope they know how lucky they are.”

She smiles at him, and the smile feels bittersweet, on her face.

____

Lena hasn’t responded to group texts in a week. But she must see them all. The plans and the jokes. The pictures and memes. Kara wonders if she’s responding to anyone else, privately. But she doesn’t ask. She posts a picture of the night sky, from a mile above National City, to Instagram; and wonders if Lena will see it. 

@nasa likes her post and comments “@super_kara 👀” 

But Kara just scrolls through the likes for the 14th time, searching for Lena’s name. 

And she waits. There’s really nothing to do but wait. It feels like she’s withering away without sunlight and water. But she has her family; Alex, Kelly and Nia seem to be taking turns checking on her in small ways. They listen when she needs to talk and sit quietly with her when she can’t. And Kara can’t help but wonder if Lena is talking to anyone. Or if she has convinced herself, once again, that she’s all alone. 

____

It’s been a full eight days by the time Lena returns. Well, maybe she’s been back for longer and not bothered to tell Kara. Who knows? Kara is trudging up the stairs to her apartment, late at night, with four, full grocery bags stacked neatly in her arms (partially obscuring her vision.) She feels the familiar top step under her front foot, just slightly more solid than all the others, and peeks through the armful of groceries with her X-ray vision. Seeing that the coast is clear she takes the few steps out of the stairwell and then turns down the hall, just as a familiar heartbeat (one she’d given up listening for) registers in her brain. It happens one millisecond before a small body thuds into her ostensible wall of brown paper bags. In a blur of Superspeed Kara has all her bags lined up neatly against the wall and an arm hooked around Lena’s waist, to keep her from tumbling to the floor. 

“Oh,” Lena wheezes, in a small voice.

Her green eyes are wide.

“Lena!” Kara gasps, and rights her.

She pulls away reluctantly, hands lingering on Lena’s arms, as the sight and scent and feel of Lena permeates her senses in a way that feels thirst quenching. Lena swallows, and steps back a few feet. Her body is tense. Kara’s heart shudders with a little stab of pain. 

“You’re back,” she says.

—---------------------

“You’re back.”

Kara is wearing her beige peacoat. A royal blue dress peaks out of the open front. It’s the dress that always makes her eyes just… insanely blue. Her hair is angelic and ruffled from their collision; pulled back in a braided bun with pieces coming loose.

“Yes...” Lena responds; suddenly breathless.

Kara looks her over as if checking for injuries. 

Her posture and tone are careful when she asks, “Are you ok?”

“I- ah- Yes. Yes, I’m ok.”

Kara’s face goes guarded. Her Supergirl mask. But Lena can see the hurt and confusion hiding behind it. It makes her stomach twist.

“I haven’t heard from you,” Kara states.

Lena clears her throat. 

“Kara, I’m sorry,” she says, and hears the way her voice has slipped into its blasted “polite and professional” mode. 

Her own mask. She scrambles for something to stay. God she wishes she’d planned this better. She doesn’t want Kara to know how devastated and upside down she’s been. Doesn’t want Kara to have to carry that burden.

“I’m so sorry I hurt you,” she starts, and Kara’s face softens. “With my magic. I didn’t even know I could do that. I would never intentionally-“

“It’s ok,” Kara rushes to assure her, expression complicated, “It didn’t hurt that much. I shouldn’t have held onto you like that. I just- Lena, why did you leave like that?”

Lena’s eyes begin to burn and standing here in the same spot she dramatically parted ways with Kara, a week ago, being reminded of the pain she felt that morning, is not helping.

“I got called away for work,” she says weakly.

Kara stares at her as if she’s waiting for a better explanation.

When none is forthcoming, she whispers, “Bullshit.”

Her strong, slim body goes tense; arms crossed and spine straight. Lena hesitates.

“I was really worried about you,” Kara continues, and bites her lip.

Her brow quirks. 

“Did- did I do something wrong?”

You left me alone, Lena thinks, and it’s like the thought ricochets into her brain from somewhere else. She feels unstable; like a radioactive isotope; unhealthy to be around; liable to explode at any moment.

“No,” Lena exclaims, “Of course not. I just- I thought you’d want to spend some time with Mon El-'' she says, crossing her own arms tightly over her chest for stability; gripping her upper arms.

She fights to maintain her CEO persona: composed and confident, as Kara’s brows draw together. 

“Why?”  

Lena presses her lips together and considers her response.

“Because he’s… he’s back .”

What else is there to say?

He wants you back.

The memory of intruding into their personal moment, shoeless and vulnerable and still damp from the shower, is like ice water dumped down her back. She grits her teeth.

“And,” she continues, “you clearly had some things you needed to discuss.”

Lena curses herself for the annoyed hurt that has crept into her tone. This isn’t Kara’s fault.

“There’s nothing to discuss!” Kara says; gesturing with frustration. “I told you but you just… ghosted me.” 

She lets her hands flop down to her sides. Lena blinks.

“I didn’t ghost you-“

“Lena.”

And… Lena supposes that… she did ghost Kara, in a sense. She hadn’t intended to. Had been too busy trying to keep her head above water. But… she did. Hot shame courses through her. Fuck.

Kara says, “I told you I had no idea he was back-”

“Kara,” Lena pleads, quietly. “It’s ok. I get it. I- I did hear some of what was said and… You have so much unfinished business with Mon El. It only makes sense that you should have some time to-“

Kara's shoulders stiffen and her eyebrows gather into a subtle crease and Lena loses her focus for a moment.

“Now,” she soldiers on, “you actually have the chance to…” her gut roils, “t-to see where that leads.”

The crease deepens.

“Wh- I don’t want that!” Kara splutters. “And it’s not your call.”

Her anger startles Lena into silence. They stare at each other for a long moment while Lena tries to string together a coherent thought from the well of wild emotion squeezing all the air from her chest. 

“Is that what you want?” Kara pleads.

Lena’s eyes are locked on Kara’s face like a lifeline. Like maybe this will be the last time she ever sees it. The feeling of inevitability almost levels her. Because it was always going to end like this, wasn’t it? Panic shoots through her. End? Is it ending? Her racing heart picks up into full panic. That wasn’t the plan. Or was it? She was just trying to help Kara. To give her space. So why does it suddenly feel like she’s breaking up with her? They were never even really together though, were they? 

Several silent moments have gone by and it’s becoming deafening. What does Lena want? To not feel like she’s standing on the edge of a cliff with a blindfold on. 

“So that’s it then?” Kara says, voice tight. “You don’t want to…”

She’s searching Lena so deeply. Everything is moving too fast and Lena’s just a hollow shell. And she just wants to wrap her arms around Kara and bury her nose in her hair. She wants to run away and never come back.

Kara’s Supergirl mask dissolves into something more vulnerable and uncertain.

Her sweet voice has a terrible little wobble when she says, “I’ve told you that I had nothing to do with Mon El stopping by. And all that stuff he said? That was all him. I mean, you must have heard. So… Is this just your way of ending- I mean I know we never talked about it, b-but… do you just not want to… do this? So you’re… ending things over some… some made up reason?”

Lena’s chest feels tight.

“No… Kara,” Lena breathes, taking a step toward her. “I just…”

“What?” Kara practically whispers.

And Lena stares at her; with her shining blue eyes and clenched jaw and golden halo of hair. The little furrow between her brows is as deep as Lena’s ever seen it. And, God, Lena hates that she’s done this to her; and doesn’t know how to fix it. Doesn’t know how to make Kara see that she does want this. She just needs to know that Kara would choose her. That she would choose Lena over Mon El, even when he’s right here and available and pursuing her. She feels sick as the realization hits her. Because Kara won’t choose her. If not now, certainly in the long term. Fear climbs up her spine like icy fingers. This was always a bad idea. She should’ve known better. Should never have let them risk what they already had. The burning in her eyes floods into blurry oceans that spill down her cheeks. She looks away and tries to hold in a small sob. Shakes her head in defeat.

A gentle breeze ruffles her hair and when she looks up Kara is gone. 

After a few numb minutes of standing in Kara’s hall Lena notices the forlorn grocery bags lined up against the wall. There are milk and eggs visible at the top of one of the bags. So she wipes her face and, one by one, takes the grocery bags into Kara’s apartment. Sniffling, she puts the perishables in the fridge and the canned goods in the cabinet. She folds the bags and puts them neatly under the sink with the others. Then she takes Kara’s spare key off her key ring and sets it on the counter before locking the door handle and pulling it shut behind herself as she leaves.

Chapter Text

She tries to go on. With neither Kara’s friendship nor the fragile romance they had begun to build. But it’s as if her world, which had been bright and big and bursting with color, has shrunk down to just a narrow, concrete tunnel of sameness, with murky, gray light filtering in at the end. She doesn’t think about that night. She doesn’t. About their kisses on the couch. Or the way Kara had handled her body, under the glow of the red light. Or how centered and confident Lena had felt going into their encounter. How sure of herself. Only to have it all fall apart like the dried up autumn leaves crushed to dust under the unrelenting stream of shoes traversing the sidewalks of National City.

It’s not that they’ve decided, mutually, to stop being in each other’s lives. It’s just in the following two weeks, after their confrontation in Kara’s hallway, neither of them pick up the phone to call or text. Kara doesn’t drop onto Lena’s balcony and Lena doesn’t pop by Catco. Kara doesn’t text her throughout the day, with her every little thought, and Lena doesn’t send her pictures of the prototypes and experiments she’s working on. The place Kara had occupied in Lena’s life is now a large, echoing cavern. Her sleep is fitful and wracked with snippets of anxious, hard-to-remember dreams. Her magic calls to her in whispers and zaps of electricity, but she ignores it until it fades away.

Lena pours herself into her work at the Foundation, the numerous boards she sits on and the varied projects in her lab. L-Corp has been trying to reel her back in, now that Lex is gone. She’s been resisting, for a long time, too caught up in life with Kara and the Superfriends. But now there’s time. So she takes the meetings and analyzes contracts and in just a couple weeks she’s re-installed as the CEO. She wakes early and works late and ignores Florence’s calls. Distantly, she’s aware that she’s falling back on an old pattern, dissociating her pain and confusion. But it’s hard to feel anything other than grateful for this, surely, fucked up coping mechanism. As long as she doesn’t inadvertently set the world on fire, how bad can it be? She’s functioning: getting out of bed; changing her clothes every day; even eating, from time to time. What more can anyone ask of her? Amir takes on a greater workload too, and begins to float with her between her Foundation and L-Corp offices, proving to be a valuable asset and skilled in pulling together all the disparate pieces of her professional life. A raise is very much in his future. He doesn’t make a show of watching her closely but she often finds healthy lunches or dinners on her desk and vitamin water and meal-replacement drinks in her mini-fridges.

She passes up a few social requests from her friends. A game night and karaoke. Later, she sees Mon El in the photos that Kelly posts to her instagram story. There’s nothing romantic about the photos. But just his presence in the same places as Kara makes her sick. And there is something off about Kara’s face in the pictures. She’s smiling, but… her eyes… Lena tries not to think about it. Tells herself she’s glad Kara’s out having fun. Kara deserves to have fun. 

After her 15th round of stalking all her friends on social media to try and catch a glimpse of Kara, Lena hears her office door open and looks up to see Brainy stroll in. He glances around at the sterile decor with raised eyebrows, but says nothing. He’s never been to this office and it’s a far cry from her warm space at the Foundation. Just the sight of her friend and collaborator is comforting to Lena and she sets her phone down on the pristine, white desk.

“Brainy!” she says, moving around the desk to hug him.

He squeezes her back and says, “Where’ve you been?”

His tone is uncharacteristically vulnerable and Lena pulls back, feeling guilty. 

“I’ve missed you,” he says.

His sincerity makes Lena’s chest squeeze and she says, “I’ve missed you too.”

They sit on her immaculate, uncomfortable couch and Lena has the distinct feeling, not for the first time, that the space no longer suits her. It is both too large and too small. And Lena herself is entirely different now; too vast and unwieldy; with feelings, desires and powers too messy and wild for a sterile white cube like this. She’s a serpent in an ancient, brittle skin.

“I’m going to redecorate soon,” she says to Brainy, and his eyes dart back from the geometric marble shapes that sit, stoic and unfeeling, on her coffee table.

“Are you ok, Lena?” He asks. “You haven’t responded to my texts in weeks.”

“I’ve responded,” she says, confused.

“One word answers,” Brainy scoffs, in a teasing tone. “And you’ve blown off our scheduled work sessions.”

It’s true. She has.

“I thought I told you-“ she begins.

“I know, I know,” he says, “You've been… busy.”

“I’m sorry,” Lena says. “I shouldn’t have blown you off, Brainy. That was inconsiderate.”

She reaches out to squeeze his hand.

“I promise, everything is fine. I’ll be back very soon.”

He stares at her; too perceptive.

“I thought we were done putting our feelings into little boxes,” he says.

She feels her face fall. Her eyes drop to her hands, wound together in her lap.

“Am I that obvious?” She murmurs.

“Probably not to everyone,” he says, which is just another way of saying I know you, Lena Luthor. I see you.

“Does it, perhaps,” he asks, “have something to do with Mon El’s sudden arrival or Kara’s sad face these past few weeks?”

Lena’s head shoots up.

“Kara has a sad face? Is she ok?”

Brainy’s dark eyes are kind.

“I figured you would know. You’re closer to her than anyone.”

Lena doesn’t know what else to do but smile politely and squeeze her hands together so she doesn’t cry.

“Lena,” Brainy says, softly. “Whatever it is, you have to feel it.”

Lena blinks back the blur in her eyes and mumbles, “Seems like that’s all I’ve been doing.”

There’s a moment where they just sit there; an alien and a witch having yet another conversation about the impossibility of human emotions. Brainy’s quiet, kind voice breaks the silence.

“Then why are you running?”

She swallows thickly, feeling the truth of it sink down heavily upon her, absorbing into her thick armor bit by tiny bit. He’s right, she realizes. She can’t run. From Kara or their intertwined lives. She won’t.

“You’re a good friend,” she whispers to him, and he smiles; kind and understanding. “And I promise, I’ll come in tomorrow so we can continue our work.”

He smiles and it feels like at least a small corner of her life is ok for a moment.

As she is saying goodbye to him, at the office door, Brainy turns and says, meaningfully, “Nia says she hasn’t heard from you regarding Thanksgiving.”

Lena smiles.

“I’ll rsvp now,” she concedes.

So after a quick, goodbye hug, Lena goes back to her desk and pulls up the group text thread she had muted weeks ago.

I’m in for Thanksgiving, she writes. I’ll bring pie! And wine, of course.

A flurry of heart reactions assaults her and she shoves her phone away before she can start anxiously watching for Kara’s.

—-----

It’s not that all eyes are on her, when she walks into Nia’s apartment, it’s just that she can feel how suddenly aware of her everyone is. Not in an angry, resentful way. Just a silent acknowledgement that something has been off; that something is off. Nia hugs her tightly and then rushes off to search for extra glasses. Brainy nods approvingly from across the room. And then: there is Kara. Kara, who is standing in the kitchen holding the turkey roasting pan by the bare handles and staring at Lena so intently that Lena wonders if she will drop the pan. Oblivious, Mon El is helpfully basting the roasted bird and then rearranging the cover on top of it. Behind them, the counters of Nia’s small kitchen are cluttered with side dishes, stacks of napkins, miscellaneous ingredients and bottles of wine.

J’onn looks up from the row of candles he is lighting on the dining table; which is really, a collection of folding tables with multiple ivory tablecloths spread across them in an effort to make them look like one long table.

“Lena!” He booms, and holds his arms out for her to walk into.

But Esme beats him to it, shouting, “Auntie Lena!” and throwing herself into Lena’s arms.

“Oh!” Lena exclaims, happily, as she hoists Esme up to wrap her arms and legs around Lena like an affectionate monkey. 

She presses her lips to the side of Esme’s head, smelling her clean, childish scent and feeling the vibrant beating of her little heart against Lena’s own chest. 

“Oh, sweetheart,” she says softly, swaying them both. “Hello. Hello. How are you?”

Esme pulls back to grin a gap-toothed and conspiratorial smile, and whispers, “Uncle J’onn let me have dessert before dinner.”

Lena grins and glances at J’onn, who smiles innocently and says, “I have no idea what she’s talking about.”

Esme throws back her head and giggles. The sound is water on the parched soil of Lena’s heart; a sign that even though her world feels like it’s being held together with Scotch tape, she still has goodness in her life. Friends. Family. Some, at least. 

“Where’ve you been?” J’onn says, a little reproachfully, with a warm hand on her shoulder.

“Oh… just busy,” Lena responds, as Alex approaches.

Alex wears a long-suffering expression that seems to indicate she knows all about the dessert, and has decided to overlook it. Esme is growing heavy so Lena helps her slide down to the floor and hugs her close as Esme’s arms wrap around her waist.

“I’ve taken on the role of CEO at L-Corp again, actually,” Lena says, to J’onn and Alex.

It feels like a guilty admission. J’onn’s eyebrows raise. Alex cocks her head.

“Wow,” J’onn says, “That’s a big change. Will you… still be working with us?”

“Yes!” Lena says. “Of course. I fully intend to rejoin the team and continue my work with the DEO. I’m sorry for not communicating with you about all this. I’ve been… going through some things.”

And there’s something about Alex’s eyes. Something very much not anger or resentment. It catches Lena off guard and makes her realize how much she’d been expecting to lose her friends. Alex puts an arm around her.

“I’m sorry you’ve been having a hard time,” she says, with a small squeeze. “You know we’re here for you, right?”

Lena stares at her. She must know; what a mess Lena has made of everything. And yet she’s treating her with kindness.

“Thank you, Alex,” she murmurs.

“Of course. Come over for dinner soon, ok? Esme misses you. Right kiddo?”

“Yes!” Esme chirps, and then her attention is diverted by the arrival of another dessert and she races off to investigate.

Alex glances across the room and when Lena follows her gaze, Kara is there, looking tired and watchful in jeans and a loose flannel that is open over a fitted t-shirt. The turkey is back in the oven and she is making a show of wiping her hands on a dish towel. And Lena doesn’t want there to be pain and awkwardness between them; hopes they can somehow rebuild a friendship, again. So she takes a deep breath, smiles a small smile and waves a small wave. Kara smiles a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes, and waves back. Lena implores herself not to cry. She turns back to Alex.

“I’d love that,” she says, smiling through the blurring of her vision. “Just tell me when.”

The group laughs and chatters and exchanges hugs as they lay out all the dishes they brought and someone starts some music playing. Kara and Lena move like magnets lined up to repel each other, keeping a constant bubble of space between them at all times. Kara carves the turkey in a flash of speed; the heat is nothing to her so there is no need to let it sit. And in silent agreement Kara and Lena position themselves several chairs apart, on opposite sides of the table. The wine is poured and everyone sits. Lena is acutely aware of all Mon El’s movements in relation to Kara. The way he reaches around Brainy to hand her the gravy. The way he catches her eye when telling a story. They aren’t sitting next to each other but still, he’s too close. Every word or look in her direction is like a shard of glass slicing Lena from the inside out. She saws viciously at her turkey, with knife and fork, and attempts to answer M’gahn’s question about Christmas plans. When Mon El tops off Kara’s wine glass, without her needing to ask, it’s too much. Lena excuses herself from the conversation with Nia about fashion trends (a shared passion,) and heads to the bathroom. 

She lingers, checking her messages and applying her lipstick; trying to re-center herself. When she finally exits the bathroom, Kara is just making her way down the hall.

“Oh,” they say, in unison, and freeze.

They haven’t spoken since that night in Kara’s hall.

“Hi,” Lena says softly. Then, “It’s good to see you.”

Kara regards her.

“Is it?” she asks, softly.

“Kara, I know things are difficult,” Lena says quietly, wringing her hands. “I’ve handled this… poorly. But I’d really like for us to still be friends.”

Kara scoffs, eyes going shiny; and looks away.

“Friends,” she murmurs.

She has a small crumb in her hair and Lena’s fingers itch to remove it.

“Lena,” Kara says sadly, “I don’t want to be friends.” 

A tear slips down her cheek. Lena swallows her devastation. 

A small, hiccuping breath and then, “Not… yet, anyway. I wanted more. I thought you did too. And I don’t understand what happened, but if all you want now is… friendship. I need some time.”

Wanted . 

How had that defining moment moved so quickly into the past tense?

“I wanted more too,” Lena murmurs, then clears her throat. “But more than what I want for myself… I want what’s best for you .”

You and I both know that’s not me.

Kara looks like she’s been slapped. 

Like there are a million things she wants to say but what comes out is, “How can you say that?” she splutters, “You- You’re… I know what’s best for me.” 

Lena stares at her; overwhelmed and ashamed of how upset she’s made Kara. It’s just further evidence. Kara deserves better. 

“Have you ever considered that maybe you’re projecting?” Kara hisses, with a glance over her shoulder, trying to stay quiet. 

Then she hangs her head for a moment, as if collecting her thoughts. Lena feels cold all over, caught at the top of a roller coaster again, awaiting the fall. Then Kara’s fierce, blue eyes are on her again. Kara straightens her spine and a muscle in her jaw jumps. 

Her voice is even and matter-of-fact when she says, “Maybe you think that you can do better. I mean, I get it. I have no experience with women. I’m a literal alien. But if you regret having sex with me, at least show me the respect of being honest about it.”

Lena’s stomach bubbles with acid. 

“What?” she whispers. “You think-“

“I don’t know what to think!” Kara exclaims, emotion slipping through again.

Lena is still trying to get her head around that when Kara’s face begins to crumple and she turns away to furtively wipe her cheeks. Lena’s heart shatters at the sight of Kara in pain. Her love. Her darling. In pain because of Lena. Her self hatred is a bubbling black tar, sucking at her ankles.

“Darling,” she rasps, reaching for her, “Please-“

Kara flinches away.

“Don’t call me that. Please don’t call me that anymore,” Kara mumbles and squeezes around Lena to head for the bathroom door.

Lena snags her wrist at the last moment, bare skin against bare skin, and Kara stops.

“Whatever you choose to believe,” Lena murmurs. “Please know… I don’t regret anything about that night.”

Kara’s expression is a tortured, longing thing. Then she sniffles and pulls her wrist away. A regular, human-strength tug. Lena lets her go.

_________________

Kara miraculously survives a Thanksgiving dinner riddled with Lena’s furtive glances and Mon El’s self-consciously Platonic™ behavior. 

She is just settling into the line of people washing dishes, drying them and putting them away when Alex announces loudly, “Well, we gotta head out,” with a meaningful glance at a sleepy Esme, whom Kelly is bundling into her coat. 

“Kara,” she continues, “Com'on, grab your coat. We’re giving you a ride.”

Kara glances around, confused. She had not asked for and does not need a ride. But Alex’s eyes are imploring her to just do it, and honestly she’s kinda done with this whole day, so she mumbles, “ok” and goes to grab her stuff.

After they’ve said all their goodbyes (her goodbye with Lena consists only of a tight smile in Lena’s general direction,) they follow Kelly and Esme out of the building.

Alex slows her pace as the group begins the short walk to where the car is parked, and allows Kelly and Esme get a little ahead. The cooler air has turned Alex’s nose pink, and she tucks her coat tighter around herself. Kara slows her pace to match Alex’s.

“You looked like you were about to explode,” Alex comments.

Kara sighs.

“Lena and I talked.”

In her peripheral vision, Alex’s head snaps to look at her.

“What? When?”

Kara shrugs.

“It was just a few minutes- in the hall. It was… rough.”

Alex bumps shoulders with her, in sympathy.

“What did she say?”

“God- I don’t even know Alex. Something about doing ‘what’s best for me?’ It doesn’t make any sense. I think it’s… I think it’s just an excuse.”

“What do you mean? Like… ‘It’s not you, it’s me?’”

“No. Maybe. I don’t know. She thinks I wanna be with Mon El… I guess? Or that I should-“

“Gross.”

“ Yeah . Wait- what?”

Alex shrugs and gestures for her to continue.

“Never mind. Just… what else?”

“Well, she also said…”

“What?”

“She said she doesn’t regret anything about the night we… you know.”

Alex is silent for a moment and, although Kara can’t bring herself to look at her sister, she just knows Alex is frantically trying to set aside her gag reflex and to rise to the occasion.

“That’s… good. Right?”

Kara looks at her.

“Is it? God Alex, even if she changes her mind, right now, and wants to be with me I’m so hurt that I just… I don’t know.” Her voice is a whisper at the end.

Alex puts an arm around her shoulders. Up ahead Kelly is buckling Esme into her booster seat.

“I know,” Alex says softly. “I know. Look. You know Lena. Better than anyone. She’s not a basic bitch.”

At this Alex chuckles a little and Kara can’t help but join in. It’s an understatement and they both know it.

“I think,” Alex continues, “that’s why you’ve always been drawn to each other, in… complicated ways. Because from my perspective, she is still head over heels for you. I mean did you not see the way she was looking at you during dinner?”

Kara feels her forehead scrunch. 

“So if she’s pushing you away, I can only imagine she’s in a lot of pain.”

Kara sighs. 

“Yeah,” she acknowledges, “Yeah I know she is. I just don’t understand.”

“Try to be patient,” Alex encourages. “Give it some time.”

“That’s all I can do, I guess,” Kara says, with a tight smile.

“C'mon,” Alex says, and hooks an arm through hers as they walk to the car.

_______________

Lena settles into the comfy chair in her home office with a hot cup of tea. This small room, off the side of her living room, is really more of a cozy reading nook. Floor to ceiling shelves filled with thick books about magic, science and engineering line the walls. A small work table off to the side is cluttered with dried herbs, open books and bowls. She hasn’t spent much time in here lately. Things have gotten dusty. When the cleaners come she shuts this door and instructs them not to go in. Glumly, Lena notices the little pots of herbs and hanging plants she had cultivated so meticulously, in front of the window. They are technically still alive; a miracle, frankly. She has somehow managed to give them enough water to keep them going through her own, personal drought these past weeks. But they need much more care and attention if they are going to make it much longer. Just like everyone else in Lena’s life, they deserve better. She catches herself before getting completely lost in the negative thought spiral.

I’m doing better than I ever would have done before, she tells herself. I kept them alive. 

They’re still alive.

Taking a deep breath, Lena adjusts her laptop on the table in front of her, opens the necessary program and initiates a call.

Florence’s face is crisp, clear and alarmingly perceptive, when it materializes on the screen.

“Lena,” she says, relief evident in her voice. 

“Hi,” Lena says. 

The “hi” is also “I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you” and “everything’s fucked” and “I needed space” and “now I need help.” Even if she doesn’t say it.

Florence presses her lips together. Her blue eyes say, “I know.”

And, of course, Florence does know. Much more than Lena expects. Florence instructs her to “start at the beginning,” and then, for every vague, broad-sweeping overview Lena gives her, she proceeds to add her own brief quips, providing context and detail to flesh out the picture far beyond what Lena is strictly comfortable with.

When Lena asks her how she knows so much, Florence smirks good-naturedly.  

“Are you not aware I’m a witch?”

Lena smiles, feeling an abundance of fondness well up within her; once again pleasantly surprised that one more thing, another relationship, is still intact… regardless of all the upheaval she feels. Lena tries to gloss over the disaster that is her relationship with Kara, in favor of other topics, but Florence won't have it; dragging the details out of Lena and adding her own embellishments. 

“So you had something beautiful,” Florence muses, when Lena is done, “With the woman that all your dreams and visions have been driving you toward for months, if not years. And you tossed it away like an eejit.”

“Florence!” Lena admonishes, exasperated.

“What?” she replies, “You’ve not been keeping up with your magic. What else are we supposed to talk about?”

“How about whether you’ve been taking your blood pressure medication,” Lena says, pointedly, taking a sip of tea.

But Florence just snorts and waves her off with a dismissive “Bah,” her curly hair dancing.

Lena rolls her eyes.

“Well,” Florence says, with finality, “I’m no expert in these matters. But it seems to me it’s a bit unfair to assume that Kara will not want you just because there’s a man in the picture.” 

Ice crawls up Lena’s spine.

“Wh- No, it’s not that simple,” she splutters. “It’s not because of… that.”

Florence’s gaze is knowing but affectionate. And she lets Lena stew in her own stunned contemplation for several moments. 

Then, “Well, It’s time for me to go to my zumba class,” Florence says abruptly. “I’ll call you in a few days.”

She levels Lena with an authoritative look, “Pick up the phone this time.”

Lena wants to argue that she may be busy, she ‘has things to do, you know,’ or that they should arrange a time in advance, but they both know that Florence always manages to divine just the right moment to call. 

“Goodbye Florence,” she sighs, with a smile.

But as the call disconnects, her smile slowly fades. 

…just because there’s a man in the picture

That’s quite a lot to take in. 

But he’s not just any man! she tells herself. It’s not about that. It’s much more complicated.

Isn’t it?

————-

From her place at the DEO conference table, Kara sneaks another glance at Lena, who is seated across from her and to the right. At the head of the table Alex leads the meeting; a briefing on new initiatives and issues, as well as a chance for various departments to provide updates on their collaborative work. These meetings are more formal than their days working out of J’onn’s place. They involve other DEO employees and government representatives. But it’s still fun to see her friends. And it’s a chance to see Lena, from a safe distance. To have an excuse to look at her. Alex keeps telling her to give it time. But as each day passes, not knowing what to do… not knowing if there’s anything to do… she feels the broken, shattered sensation of her heart more acutely. 

 Nia catches her looking at Lena and gives her a rueful smile. 

“Don’t lose hope Kara,” Nia’s been telling her.

She’s trying. 

She stares at Lena’s lips and remembers, with a shiver, the sensation of having them all over her body. And her tongue… 

I’m not done yet

Lena’s lips are extra red today. She glances up and catches Kara looking. Kara shifts in her seat and looks away. 

J’onn elbows her gently.

“Kara?” Alex says.

All eyes are on her. It’s her turn to give an update. Her cheeks warm when she realizes Alex has been trying to get her attention. She clears her throat and begins to speak, with the prickly feeling of Lena’s eyes on her.  When she’s done, Kara laces her fingers together and tries not to accidentally break the table. And tries not to let her eyes wander back to Lena. It’s hard enough not to think about her every second of every day when she’s not right there.

Come all over me, she’d rasped, the last time.

Kara is glad Lena came to Thanksgiving. Glad that whatever darkness Lena may be battling isn’t driving her to totally isolate herself. And not only that, Lena still seems to care. About Kara.

I don’t regret anything about that night, she had said.

Kara clings to the phrase. Plays it over in her head as she lies awake in bed. Hopes she can trust it; that what happened between them was real and that its dramatic end was not her fault. But then why all this distance? What purpose does it serve? Other than hurting them both.

The memory of Lena’s red-green eyes haunts her; vulnerable and close. The way she had traced Kara’s face with her fingers. 

Is this real?

Why wouldn’t it be real?

Just… seems too good to be true

Kara gets updates from her friends. Lena is back at L-Corp now. Apparently. Probably working herself to exhaustion. It hurts that Kara didn’t know. She wonders if Lena’s given up her new office; the cozy, beautiful place Kara had helped her set up. The thought makes her want to weep. They’ve managed to avoid each other at the DEO thus far but that can’t go on forever. This meeting will be the first of many interactions here. 

Lena wants to be friends. Just friends. And Kara knows that if the choice is between being friends with Lena, and not having her at all? It’s an easy decision. And hey, maybe someday whatever it is that’s weighing on Lena so much will pass and they’ll have another shot at… more. They’ve come back from worse places.

So when Kara gets back to her desk at CatCo, she texts Lena a picture of a cute dog she saw a few days ago. It’s the kind of thing she used to send all the time. It’s bittersweet because when she hits send she is confronted with their text thread, and the last text she had received from Lena, asking for space. She closes out of her phone and puts it in the drawer and gets back to work.

————

Lena takes a large swig from the glass of scotch the bartender just handed her. It’s Friday night and she is making a long-delayed appearance at Pool Night. So far she’s made it into the building and through a brief round of hellos, including an awkward hug with Kara that everyone pretended not to notice. Her hair had smelled exactly the same. And, fuck, she looks so good in the cute sweater and fitted jeans combo she’s wearing tonight. Mentally, Lena tries to do the calculations that will tell her the precise amount of time it will take before things are ok between her and Kara again. And tries to calculate whether there's a world in which they could find their way back to each other… romantically. Again. 

She winces and takes another burning sip. It seems outrageously unlikely.

Just around the corner of the L-shaped bar Mon El is serving customers. He has a white rag draped over his shoulder and a pleasant smile on his stupid, pleasant face. Lena supposes she should be curious about exactly what he’s doing working here but she can’t find it within herself.

“Hey.”

She looks over to see that Alex has perched on the stool right next to where she is leaning. 

“Hey you,” Lena says, warmly.

Alex flags their bartender down and orders a couple more beers.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Alex says, “You doing ok?”

“Yeah,” Lena says, and then ventures a dry, “I’m here.”

She has a feeling Alex understands at least some of the subtext underlying that statement. If Alex’s wry smile is any indication, she does.

“You know,” Alex says, eyes dancing, “I’m surprised you didn’t fight for her.”

“What?”

“You’re such a fighter. And you’re clearly in love with her. But someone from her past comes along and you just… roll over? I don’t get it.”

For the first time Lena has the unpleasant experience of contemplating a world in which Kara feels as if Lena has not fought for her. And the thought that Kara might think Lena considers her to not be worth fighting for makes her feel physically ill.

“I just want what’s best for her,” Lena says, numbly.

It’s becoming a mantra. Alex snorts.

“What- that guy?”

She nods across the bar at Mon El, who is attempting to balance a full pint glass on his upturned forehead for the amusement of some drunken patrons. One of them tosses a beer cap at the glass and the beer sloshes onto his face, making him jerk and send the glass tumbling. The glass makes a shattering sound when it hits the floor and the customers roar with laughter. Alex looks at Lena with an expression that says, I rest my case.

“You think he’s the best thing for Kara?”

Lena buries her face in her hands. 

“It's possible I'm just... a complete idiot,” she mumbles; weary, and scrubs her fingers over her face before wrapping them around her glass again. 

Mon El, is ruefully reaching for a broom.

Alex is quiet for a moment and then Lena hears her thoughtful voice.

“No. Not an idiot. Just incredibly self destructive.”

Lena looks at Alex and all she sees is warm compassion.

“I’m your friend Lena. Regardless of what’s going on with you and Kara, I’m here. And I always will be.”

Lena’s vision swims and she swallows against the tears.

“Thank you,” she croaks.

But Alex isn’t done.

“And so is Kara,” she says. 

Lena scoffs.

“Right.”

“She is,” Alex says, putting a hand on Lena’s arm.

Lena glances over her shoulder to see Kara watching her from over the pool table, a pool cue in her hand. God, she looks so fucking good. She tears her eyes away. She could be listening right now. But Lena knows she isn’t. It’s a line Kara doesn’t cross.

“God, Alex, I’ve fucked up and had to apologize so many times… At some point I’m gonna hit a limit. Maybe I already have.”

Alex just smiles knowingly.

“I don’t think a limit exists where you’re concerned.”

____________

Mist billows around Lena’s long, silver dress. The air is foggy and hard to see through. A cloud of whispers surrounds her, pulling at her mind. She’s looking for something. For someone. 

Lena, Kara’s voice calls. Or is it her mind? Calling to Lena’s mind?

Fear grips Lena’s chest as she absorbs the sudden certainty that Kara is in danger. That something important is up to her; up to Lena. That everything is up to her.

Kara! she calls.

A chasm opens up before her and she reaches to clasp a hand that reaches for hers at the same time. Their grip is bruising and Kara is falling; falling sideways, through a hole. A flash of rage rips through Lena and her vision whites out for a moment. When it clears she is holding Kara in her arms, as if she weighs nothing. With urgency, she tucks and folds Kara into herself, until Kara is completely enclosed, somehow. Lena’s body glows with light. She raises her eyes to take in the previously murky, misty landscape and instead finds that she is standing on a high mountain under a cloudless, blue sky. All around her green, blue, brown and gray landscape stretches out toward a distant horizon. Forests and roads and rivers and cities. She is above it all. Untouchable. A warm hand squeezes her own. She turns to see Kara, standing tall and golden at her side, clothed in white. Kara smiles at her and the vision dissolves. 

She blinks into the dim room around her, lined with bookcases. The little flame on the table, in front of her, has gone out. Her shaky breath is loud in the still space. She swallows and leans back in her chair, to think.

Later, she goes to the mirror in her bedroom and takes a good, long look. She takes in every little detail; every imperfection and scar; every beautiful, unique feature. She smiles.

“Hey, old girl,” she murmurs. “I see you. I’m here. We’ll be ok.”

—-

Kara hears her coming long before she arrives. She’s at the DEO, in the wing that houses Brainy and Lena’s lab, as well as lockers, a kitchen, and some informal meeting and project rooms. It’s a quieter, smaller space than some of the other DEO wings and, due to its being off limits to anyone who doesn’t have the highest security clearances, it’s a place the Superfriends tend to gravitate to. Kara likes it because it’s deep in the basement, where the sound from the world above is muffled and easier to block out. She’s just finished a shift as the on-duty Superhero and decided to change back into her civilian clothes so she can walk home without being too obvious. The early winter air has that crisp, clean feeling to it and she wants to feel it on her face as she meanders through the city and tries not to think about Lena. 

But then; that heartbeat. And that familiar gait. Even her breathing is recognizable. Kara’s chest tightens and she keeps her eyes on the whiteboard that has everyone’s schedules blocked out on it. The lines and words on the whiteboard blur into nothingness as her heart begins to race. But then… her chest relaxes. Because… she hears the anxious beat of Lena’s heart. The hesitant footfalls. Hell she can practically hear her slumped shoulders and worried brow. The way she’s probably twisting her fingers together.

Kara sighs, and it’s a long, relieved sigh. Because Alex is right. She knows Lena.

After an eternity that feels like no time at all, Kara hears Lena enter the silent room. She doesn’t turn around and Lena doesn’t say anything; just stands there for long seconds. 

Finally, “You're here to apologize,” Kara states.

“Yes,” Lena says, in such a heartsick tone that Kara’s own heart does a little squeeze.

Kara turns, and it’s just as she thought. Lena, looking tortured and regretful; beautiful in a simple knit dress and boots, hair pulled back in a loose bun. She looks tired. And sad. And worried. She’s biting her lip too hard. Twisting her fingers too much. She swallows and it’s loud in the silent space.

“You know me,” is all she says, in a broken, pleading tone.

Compassion and relief fill Kara’s chest. They drive her forward to unwind Lena’s fingers with her own and tug her poor lip away from her teeth. Lena melts into these small touches.

“I do,” Kara murmurs.

When she wraps Lena into a hug, Lena clings to her desperately. 

“I’m sorry,” she whimpers into Kara’s neck. “I’m so sorry.”

Kara shushes her, whispering, “I know, I know.”

“I got everything I wanted,” Lena says, voice scratchy. “And it scared me to death.”

Chapter Text

Lena pulls back to look into Kara’s beautiful, blue eyes. 

“When Mon El showed up… I was already on the edge and it just… pushed me over. I guess.”

Kara’s face is so full of kindness and care that it dazes Lena a little. Scares her a little.

“God Kara,” she whispers, looking down, “I’m still so scared and confused.”

“I know,” Kara murmurs, and pulls Lena against her with a hand at the nape of her neck. “I know. We’ll figure it out. Together.”

“B-but,” Lena rushes to add, pulling back again, “Not about my feelings for you.”

She has to be crystal clear about this; make Kara understand. 

“I- I know how I feel about you Kara. How I always have… A-and I know I don’t deserve another chance but the truth is… I want you to pick me . Not him.”

Kara looks confused but deeply touched.

“Lena,” she breathes, stroking her cheek with one thumb, eliciting sparks of sensation, “It’s never been a choice. You’re the only one I want.”

It’s almost too much to absorb. Lena hiccups a sob.

“You were so scared before we kissed,” she whimpers, hands clutching Kara’s waist, “and then I just… shut you out. You must have felt so… abandoned.”

Kara sighs, tiredly.

“Yeah, I did,” she admits. “And we should talk about that but… right now I just wanna kiss you.”

Her gaze is so intense and longing that it takes Lenas’s breath away. Lena nods, frantically, as Kara’s fingers find her face. They both lean in. 

It’s chaste and soft. And, if possible, it’s even more beautiful than any of the other times. Because it’s a homecoming and another chance. Their foreheads tip together and Lena’s hands move timidly from Kara’s waist up her arms, to her shoulders, gripping gently. Kara kisses her forehead. Then her cheek.

“I only want you,” Kara breathes, caressing her neck. “Ok? Not him.”

Lena shivers.

“Maybe you shouldn’t,” she says, voice strained to near breaking. 

Kara glances around, as if she hears something, and then guides them into a back hallway, near the bathrooms. Lena sinks against the wall.

“Why ?” Kara pleads, coming closer and taking Lena’s hands. 

It feels so good. 

“Why shouldn’t I want you?”

Her fingers find their way back to Lena’s face and Lena can’t help letting her fingertips dig longingly into the muscle of Kara’s arms. She swallows thickly.

“Because I’m human,” she murmurs, weakly. “Because I’m a woman. Because I’m prone to making terrible decisions…  I’m self-destructive and emotionally volatile… you pick.”

“Lena ,” Kara’s voice is all soft reproachfulness as she searches her eyes.

“Kara… you wouldn’t have to be careful with him. He can fly with you-”

Kara snorts; rolls her eyes.

“I mean… barely,” she mutters. 

“He’s strong,” Lena continues, “and… fast. And he knows what it’s like to be from another planet!”

“I don’t care about all that!” Kara exclaims, volume rising.

Lena tips her head back against the wall and levels Kara with a weary gaze.

“He’s not you!” Kara insists, letting her hands slide down to Lena’s shoulders; leaning back a little to give her some space.

She’s so beautiful it takes Lena’s breath away.

“He adores you,” she rasps. 

The crease between Kara’s eyebrows reappears.

“You adore me,” she all but whispers, and seems to hold her breath. 

It's a statement of fact but Lena hears the question behind it. The seed of doubt. Her heart squeezes.

“I do,” she agrees, voice cracking.

She can feel her eyes going shiny. Her vision blurs. How does Kara always manage to strip her down like this?

“I adore you too,” Kara says softly, stroking her face with both thumbs. “I know this is hard for you,” she continues carefully, like she’s considering each word before she says it. “You’re afraid of getting hurt so you’re trying to run away. You’re hurting yourself first, before anyone else can.”

Lena’s jaw goes slack. She feels so exposed. But also… understood in a way that is all together new to her.

“But, just…” Kara continues, swiping a thumb along the very edge of Lena’s bottom lip. “…try not to? Ok? For me?”  

Lena’s lips tremble around her search for words before she finally gives up and just nods. Kara’s pretty lips spread into a fragile grin.

“Let’s do this. Ok?” she pleads, eyes soft and affectionate. “Let’s do this together.”

And now the tears are beginning to track down Lena’s face as she gazes into her love’s eyes and nods furiously with a small smile of her own. And she’d think to be embarrassed by her lack of composure and words but Kara is crushing Lena to her chest in a relieved embrace, tipping Lena’s face into her neck with a hand to the back of her head.

“I want you. We can do this,” she insists softly. 

Then, again, “We can do this.”

And again, Lena can only nod, soaking in Kara’s lovely, delicate smell and the warm softness of her skin. Her fingers press possessively into Kara’s back. After a few long moments of holding each other tightly, as Lena sniffles and gets her emotions in check, Kara chuckles softly and sways.

“You think Mon El’s so great? You’re a sexy, genius, billionaire, witch.”

Lena rolls her eyes against Kara’s jaw.

Kara’s voice is soft and dangerous when she whispers, “And no one’s ever made me come harder,” against the shell of Lena’s ear.

Lena shivers. Gulps. 

“Well when you say it like that,” she rasps, into Kara’s hair “I sound downright impressive.”

Kara chuckles, pulling back to lean their foreheads together again. 

Their noses brush and Kara whispers. “You are.”

There’s a beat. 

And then they are kissing. A relieved, wistful, hungry sort of kiss that Lena groans into. And then they are kissing again, heated and breathless. Lena feels the wall at her back and pulls Kara closer, closer, closer as desire blooms in and around her. Lena throws her arms over Kara’s shoulders, licking her tongue into Kara’s mouth and making her whimper. Her world is filled with the golden light of Kara’s hair and skin and beautiful heart. With the lovely taste of her lips and tongue. Lena grips Kara’s hips and rolls, turning her against the wall. Kara sighs, long and contented, and pulls Lena tightly against her till they are pressed together chests to knees. Lena presses back and slides her thigh as tightly into the space between Kara’s thighs as their skirts will allow, which is nowhere near close enough. Kara lets out a little gasp and splays her fingers against Lena’s back. The sound rips through Lena like a heatwave. Suddenly Kara is pushing her back, back, and steering her until they are in a tidy storage room, the one that sometimes doubles as a changing room. 

The door swings closed behind them as Kara’s hand swipes at the light switch. Lena feels her hips hit a table, the one against the wall where they lay out the suits sometimes. She fumbles for the hem of Kara’s skirt and shimmies the front up, even as Kara tries to lean her back over the table. But Lena is fast and has Kara’s underwear down to mid thigh, with her fingers on Kara’s clit within seconds, already silken and hard. Kara widens her thighs and groans, as Lena bites and then sucks her bottom lip. Lena circles her fingers and feels cool air on the skin of her own hips and thighs, as Kara works Lena’s skirt up until it’s around her waist, lifts her onto the table and then rips her underwear at the crotch. Lena’s hips roll before Kara even has fingers on her and when she feels Kara’s finger slip through the sensitive wetness of her vulva she moans, too loud and too vulnerable. Too lost to control it. They’re gasping and whimpering and moaning and rocking against each other, Kara’s hand cupping her face and Lena’s fingers threading into her hair. 

Kara bats Lena’s hand away from her clit and when Lena whines she murmurs, “Later baby, I promise.”

At the sound of the word “baby,” said in Kara’s sweet voice, Lena loses every last shred of inhibition. Wantonly, she widens her thighs and moans, pulling Kara in, further, closer, till she can wrap her legs around Kara’s hips as her fingers slip inside. Lena sighs and rolls her hips. The slide of Kara’s fingers is careful at first, deep and then deeper; slow. It’s intense, and Lena’s not sure she’s ever needed this more. She pants and searches for Kara’s mouth, finding and kissing and melting into her. Gripping the back of her neck, over her hair, as Kara picks up the pace.

“I only want you,” Kara murmurs as Lena’s small, helpless cries fill the air around them. “Only you.”

“Kara,” she whimpers, feeling her orgasm building, huge and impending. 

Her legs are already shaking, as Kara zeros in on her G-spot and works at it relentlessly. It’s going to be so good. She searches for Kara’s eyes. Finds them. Blue. So blue. She digs her fingers into Kara’s shoulder.

God

“I’m-“ she pleads; breathless.

“I’ve got you,” Kara murmurs.

The wave of pleasure crashes over her and blooms within her at the same time. She cries out and buries her face in Kara’s neck. Feels herself gushing. Lena can’t hold still, jerks her hips into Kara, throws her head back as Kara’s powerful arm wraps around her to hold her in place. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, it’s so good . Kara continues to work her through it, prolonging it, as Lena’s whole body shakes. Her eyes fly open and as she whines and digs her nails into Kara’s back, her hazy gaze lands on the door behind Kara, which, as it turns out, hadn’t actually closed all the way. And in fractions of a second Lena makes out Mon El’s stunned face, from where he has frozen in the doorway; And his shocked body language as he backs up a few steps, eyes wide. Something dark and primal seizes Lena as she stares at him. Something that kicks her waning orgasm back into a higher gear, or possibly a second, smaller orgasm. Feeling altogether wicked and wild, Lena grips Kara by the jaw and turns her face to the side for a filthy, open-mouthed kiss. One that Mon El can’t possibly miss. Kara returns it eagerly, pumping her fingers into Lena, slamming her palm into Lena’s clit. Lena rolls her hips, kisses Kara and holds Mon El’s shocked gaze for one eternal, heady moment.

She’s. Mine.

He pales and finally tears his eyes away, lurching down the hall.

Lena grins and shivers as a final, small wave hits her.

….

Later, as they lay panting and naked on Kara’s bed, bathed in red light, Lena’s conscience finally starts to catch up with her. Her cheeks heat as she thinks about the encounter with Mon El back at the DEO. Fuck, what had come over her? That was… so uncalled for. And it wasn’t exactly… fair to Kara. 

She turns her head to gaze at Kara; hair tangled and lips parted. Her breathing is beginning to slow but there’s still a sheen of sweat on her skin. And a hickey worked into her golden neck. She has red lipstick smeared on her jaw and her legs are still open, boneless and relaxed where she had collapsed on the bed just moments before. She’s come once riding Lena’s fingers, and a second time riding her mouth. Lena can still taste her. Reluctantly, she wipes her mouth and rolls onto her belly. Resting her head on her folded arms, Lena just watches for a moment. Tries really hard to soak all of this in. She can’t hide from her own darkness. It’s part of her. A part she has to own and make friends with, if she’s going to keep it in check. And if she truly wants this to work, which she does, she does, with all of her heart… then she can’t hide from Kara either.

She clears her throat.

“So,” she begins, voice hoarse, “I need to tell you something.”

Kara turns her head and gazes at her; sleepy but worried. They’ve been through a lot lately.

“I-“ Lena clears her throat again,”When we were… when you were, ehm… fucking me… in the closet. And I was… coming… I looked up and saw Mon El watching us-“

At this Kara’s head jerks up; her expression is pure outrage. 

“What!?”

Lena holds up a hand and chuckles a little.

“No, wait, it‘s- The door was open… ajar.  It seemed like he just happened upon us and froze.”

Kara’s making an adorably disgruntled face. 

“But like, for how long?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe just a few seconds? I was… coming…hard,” at this she leans down and nips Kara’s bare shoulder playfully, “…and I opened my eyes and saw him.”

Kara’s staring at her, crinkle in full effect.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” she asks softly.

Lena rolls onto her back and stares at the ceiling to get relief from Kara’s intense gaze. She takes a deep breath.

“I’m not sure exactly. I- Kara, I’m sorry, I’m not proud of this but-“

Kara props herself up on an elbow, hair glinting rose-gold in the red light.

“What?” she coaxes gently, pushing some of Lena’s hair behind her ear.

Lena gazes into her violet eyes. 

“I was coming,” she says softly. “And I sort of… held his gaze while I kissed you and while you… fucked me.”

Kara stares at her. Lena stares back, anxiety crystallizing all her muscles.

“We were covered!” Lena rushes to explain, “He couldn’t see anything. Though it was pretty clear what we were doing. Then he sort of… ran off. I think I scared him a little actually.” 

God, when she hears it out loud she sounds like such a freak. But she doesn’t see disgust or disapproval on Kara’s face. She could swear there’s some lighthearted expression dawning there. 

“Was it like… like a voyeuristic thing? For you?” Kara asks curiously.

“No,” Lena says; hesitant. “Truthfully darling, I think it was some kind of base, territorial move.”

She cringes and squeezes her eyes shut at the admission. 

“It just,” she soldiers on, “felt hot that he got to see that you were…”

She trails off. Peeks at Kara… who seems to be hanging on her every word.

“What?” Kara whispers.

“Mine?”

Lena’s cheeks burn and she buries her face in her hands. She’s about to grovel for forgiveness and launch into a whole monologue about how she knows Kara doesn’t belong to her and that Kara shouldn’t feel any rush to define their relationship when she hears a snort, then a snicker. A loud peel of musical laughter erupts from Kara. Lena jerks her hands away from her face to see Kara rolling onto her back and clapping, with a delighted expression on her face, clutching her stomach before laughing some more. A small, tentative smile grows on Lena’s face as she watches Kara roll gleefully onto her stomach, cackling and kicking her feet. 

“Oh my god!” Kara wheezes, “You have to show me the face he made.”

“What?” Lena says, delighted but confused.

Kara just laughs again and grips Lena’s arm.

“No, Lena do not feel bad,” Kara insists, warmly, “he had that coming.”

Then Kara proceeds to tell her a story about walking in on Mon El and Eve having sex in the copy room at CatCo. The mention of Eve stirs up a lot of complicated emotions for Lena and with the addition of Mon El and sex she feels a little skeeved out honestly. When she’s done talking, Kara’s face takes on a thoughtful, distant look that is just a little bit sad and Lena would do anything to bring her back to the present. To put a smile back on her face. She reaches out and traces Kara’s wonderful profile with her index finger. Kara grins and snags Lena’s finger gently with her teeth before sucking lightly on the tip and letting it go. Lena’s pussy throbs.

“Oh,” Kara says, suddenly breathless. “You taste like me.”

Lena smirks and slides on top of Kara, pressing their breasts together, like she knows Kara likes. 

“Not just my finger darling,” she breathes, and lowers her mouth to Kara’s. 

As usual, Kara receives her eagerly, as Lena presses their lips together and flicks her tongue against Kara’s. 

“I am- yours,- you know,” Kara whispers between kisses, thumbs finding the divets in Lena’s low back; pulling her in.

Lena freezes. Pulls back a little. She can feel something complicated happening on her face. Kara’s expression somehow softens further and she tucks some hair behind Lena’s ear.

“You didn’t know?” Kara says, so softly.

There’s a lump in Lena’s throat that she can’t get words around. She shakes her head. 

“Lena,” Kara whispers, eyes wandering all over Lena’s face.

Lena swallows thickly.

“I’m yours too,” she whispers. “I have been for… a long time.”

Kara’s smile is brilliant.

“Yeah?” she asks, straight, white teeth flashing.

Lena nods; lays her head on Kara’s chest and tries to breathe through the exuberant fluttering in her rib cage. Kara wraps long, golden arms around her and squeezes.

“Since when?” Kara murmurs.

“I think… since always. I just didn’t let myself wish or even hope for it.”

Kara makes a soft sound of sympathy and runs a hand over Lena’s hair.

“My feelings about you have always been very intense,” Lena admits, kissing Kara’s collar bone. 

“Clearly,” she mumbles, thinking of their complicated history.

But Kara just squeezes her tighter.

“Eventually,” she continues, finding Kara’s eyes once more, “I couldn’t ignore what that meant anymore. But I never dreamed…”

She trails off when her voice catches. Kara’s quiet for a moment. Just taking it in. 

“I’m sorry it took so long for me to understand,” she finally whispers, holding Lena’s hips tightly. “I really wish I had figured it out sooner.”

“We’re here now,” Lena sighs contentedly, and continues to trail kisses downward.

She thinks it, as she presses Kara’s thighs up into her stomach:

Here now.

As she fucks Kara softly, with her tongue, until she’s recovered enough to take more.

Here now.

And not going anywhere.

Chapter Text

The first thing Lena is aware of is the baking heat her body is wrapped in. It’s so hot. By contrast, her face feels cool, where it is peeking out from under the covers. She sighs sleepily and folds the sheets and comforter back to let some air in to cool more of her skin. A warm body shifts against hers and she blinks her eyes open. A blonde head is tucked against her neck and collar bone. Under the covers, limbs tighten and burrow, ever so slightly, adjusting to Lena’s stirring.

Kara

She’s here! A wary happiness settles over Lena and she feels a smile tug at her cheeks. She breathes Kara in and squints into the morning light. Last night was… incredible. They moved and trembled against each other, over and over, late into the night. And then, apparently, drifted off to sleep. Now Kara sighs heavily and stretches against Lena. Lena brings a lazy hand up to smooth over Kara’s tangled hair and Kara grunts softly.

“‘morning,” she mumbles into Lena’s skin, voice scratchy.

Lena yawns, stretches, wraps her arms around Kara. 

“Good morning,” she sighs, contentedly.

Then she drifts off to sleep again for a little while. She wakes to the sound of the shower turning off. The creaking sound Lena’s joints make when she luxuriates in a full body stretch brings a smile to her face. She must have slept like a rock! She feels disheveled and debauched; the sticky, sore feeling between her legs a cheek-warming reminder of their activities the night before. 

The bathroom door creaks open and Lena turns her head to see Kara emerge, flushed and damp and wrapped in a fluffy purple towel. Her blue eyes go right to Lena and when she sees that Lena is awake a delighted grin spreads over her face.

“Hey!” she says, softly, coming over to perch on the edge of the bed, next to Lena. “How’d you sleep?”

Smiling up at her, Lena croaks, “Like a rock,” then clears her throat with a chuckle. “You?”

Kara takes Lena’s hand and laces their fingers together, palms touching.

“I slept great,” she says, eye’s crinkling, “You are very cozy to snuggle up against.”

Lena smiles with her whole face; her whole heart. But when Kara leans to kiss her she freezes.

Bringing a hand up to cover Kara’s mouth she exclaims, panicked, “No! You are not kissing me right now.”

In response to Kara’s look of confusion she rushes to add, “Not until I brush my teeth.”

Kara waits until Lena removes her hand and then murmurs, “so go brush them,” with a sweet but mischievous glint in her eyes.

Lena props herself on her elbows so she can fully appreciate the sight of Kara in nothing but a towel, with her blonde hair made darker by the water. Her skin will be clean and fresh tasting. Lena’s, on the other hand…

“I have to shower too,” Lena murmurs, trying to school her expression into something stern.

Kara sees right through her. Of course.

“Shower?!” Kara teases, climbing on top of Lena and pushing her back down into the mattress. “What’s a shower?”

Lena shrieks and cranes her face away from the silly kisses Kara is planting all over her neck and jaw. Kara rests most of her weight down onto Lena, careful not to smoosh her.

“Kara!” She squeals, and manages to wriggle partially out from under her. “I’m serious! I’m gross right now, get away- I don’t want to turn you off permanently.”

Kara pokes her fingers into Lena’s ribs very briefly, making Lena cackle, and then, with a sloppy kiss to Lena’s cheek, relents; rolling off of her and sitting up. The towel rides high up her thighs and Lena almost forgets about her morning breath.

“Fine, fine,” Kara is saying, with her adorable grin, “I’ll just have to live without you for however long it takes you to brush your teeth and shower.”

Shyly, her eyes track over Lena’s body; wrapped loosely in the bedding. Lena, who is still catching her breath and trying to smooth down her matted hair, grins. She’s feeling mushier by the moment, as she takes in Kara’s glowing skin and pink cheeks. It’s starting to sink in that Kara is actually here. Smiling and warm and seemingly content. A tiny piece of Lena’s battered heart heals a little bit. 

“Thank you,” she chuckles, sitting up and wiping at the, likely, smudged makeup under her eyes. 

Kara tracks her movements carefully and Lena realizes the bedding has slipped down low, exposing most of her breasts and back. Brazenly, she gazes back at Kara and makes no attempt to cover herself. Kara swallows. A loud rumble catches them both off guard and Kara’s hand flies to her stomach. Lena chuckles. She can feel her own hunger growing the longer she’s awake. 

“Hungry?” She teases

Kara grins sheepishly.

“Why don’t I make some breakfast while you shower?” she suggests.

They are beaming at each other shamelessly; just so, so happy and it’s wonderful. And Lena’s on edge, a little; of course she is. But this bubble of warm happiness is like a boat carrying her through the choppy sea. She reaches out and takes Kara’s hand again.

“You ok?” Kara asks.

“Yes,” Lena murmurs, full to bursting with her love for Kara.

And suddenly it feels like the words will just pop out of her, if she’s not careful. But she needs to be careful. 

So she asks, voice quiet, “Are you?”

Hears the hopeful quality of her voice and can’t be bothered to feel embarrassed. The sun is falling in large, warm patches of yellow across the bed. Kara leans over and kisses her shoulder.

“Yes,” she says; sure, confident and happy.

Lena grins foolishly and drops her gaze.

Kara’s stomach growls again and they both laugh. 

“Ok!” Kara says, shifting away, “ You go shower and I will make some food.”

She bounds off the bed and starts rummaging through her drawers. Lena sighs happily and swings her legs over the edge of the bed.

“Will do,” she says.

“I put out a towel and some clothes!” Kara chirps.

There’s a blur of motion and she’s dressed. Lena blinks, wishing she hadn’t missed Kara’s nakedness. Kara points at her with a cheeky grin.

“Don’t think about having any other plans today!” she says. “You’re mine today.”

Lena feels pleased shock reverberate through her and Kara’s frozen expression at the sight of Lena, sitting naked on the edge of her bed, doesn’t help. Kara forces her eyes to Lena’s face.

“Um, I mean… it’s ok if you have plans… obviously,” she backpedals, “Just… I’d like it if…”

Lena interrupts her with a chuckle, “Kara, it’s ok,” she says, “I don’t have any other plans.”

She gazes at Kara’s loose t-shirt and sweatpants and eagerly imagines reaching her hands beneath them later.

“I’m all yours,” she says.

Kara blushes. Then shakes her head as if to clear it.

“Ok, stop being cute and sexy if you’re not gonna let me touch you.”

Lena bites her lip at Kara’s use of the word “sexy,” and forces herself off the bed and to the bathroom with a, “Yes ma’am.”

If she doesn’t get herself in the shower now, she’s never going to survive this sexual tension without giving in. She can feel Kara’s eyes follow her across the room. Just as she’s closing the door a thought occurs to her and she sticks her head back out.

“You’re making coffee, right?”

“Of course!” Kara hollers, happily, from the next room.

Lena smiles to herself and closes the door.

She inspects her body carefully, in the mirror. For some reason it’s a surprise that it looks the same. That she looks the same. She has some light pink blotches on her breasts and neck of course; small sprays of broken blood vessels caused by Kara’s mouth that will fade quickly. A small price to pay for how good it felt at the time. But otherwise she’s the same, even though everything else is so fundamentally different now.

Lena is just five minutes into her shower when there’s a quick knock at the door, followed by the sound of Kara opening it.

“Coffee delivery!” she sing-songs, cheerfully.

The curtain rustles a little and then a mug of steaming coffee (with a little milk and a pinch of sugar, just how Lena likes it) slides through the gap between the curtain and the wall. Lena gasps with joy and takes the warm mug gratefully.

“Oh, thank you!”

“My pleasure!” Kara sings, and Lena hears the bathroom door close again.

She closes her eyes and takes a sip. The hot water streaming down her back is divine and the coffee is just right and Kara is still here. She sighs and feels some of the pesky nerves that had been building in her chest settle. It is still a little difficult, being here; remembering the last time she had been in Kara’s shower. The last time she brushed her teeth and got dressed in Kara’s bathroom. She tiptoes out with trepidation, hair twisted up in a towel. Wrapping her fingers around the warm mug, Lena makes her way out to the kitchen, where Kara is happily humming and checking a pan of what looks to be a frittata. 

“That smells amazing,” she comments, and Kara turns with a smile.

“Hey! How was your shower?” 

“Great,” Lena says with a smile, sidling up beside her at the stove and bumping their hips together, “Thanks for the coffee.”

And then she kisses Kara. Just as Kara is turning from the stove, spatula in hand. Just as Kara is about to say something, her lips slightly parted. Lena leans in and presses their lips together. Kara melts into it, and they kiss again, through smiles and giggles. 

“And the toothbrush,” Lena murmurs, against Kara’s lips. “Thanks for that too.”

“You’re welcome,” she responds.

They eat breakfast at the table, talking about trivial things and holding hands as often as possible. Lena knows that, lurking just outside this bubble of coziness, is a world of things they need to discuss and work out. But it just doesn’t feel like it’s time yet. This intimate restfulness has been so hard won. Shouldn’t they just indulge for a little while? Kara seems to agree, if the unhurried ease with which she eats and shows Lena cute baby animal videos on her phone are any indication. As each new sip of caffeine hits Lena’s bloodstream that blood migrates south and by the end of breakfast she’s biting her lip and evaluating exactly what she wants to do to Kara next. If Kara will have her. Again.

Lena doesn’t even realize Kara’s on to her until she smiles softly, scoots her chair back and says, “Com’ere.”

Desire bolts through Lena like a thunder clap and she’s up out of her chair and straddling Kara’s lap before she even realizes she’s made the decision. Kara guides her down, cups her face, and kisses her in a way that makes Lena shiver and arch her spine in anticipation. They kiss some more, while Kara unwinds the towel from Lena’s hair and works one hand under Lena’s shirt to trace fingers over her ribs. Lena moans quietly, unable to help it, and nibbles Kara’s earlobe, making her gasp, and bring a hand to the base of Lena’s skull. Enthralled by the effect she can have on Kara, Lena does it again, alternating the use of her teeth, tongue and lips on Kara’s earlobe until Kara is squirming and sighing. 

“You know,” Kara murmurs, as Lena’s mouth descends to her neck, “I was-“ gasp, “gonna take you out on a date today.”

Lena laughs to herself and nibbles the juncture of Kara’s neck and shoulder.

“I’m still… gonna. Later.”

“Mmm,” Lena murmurs, as she feels the soft skin of Kara’s thumbs skim the bottom of her breasts, “we’ll have to stop fucking if we go out.”

She presses her open mouth against Kara’s pulse point.

“Is that what we’re doing?” Kara whispers.

The feeling of Kara’s hands, veiled in the thin fabric of her t-shirt, is amazing, when Lena finds them with her own and guides them upward. The only thought Lena’s brain seems to be capable of is the distant awareness that she is so wet; her swollen flesh aching with longing, already, after only a few minutes. How will they ever leave the apartment again? 

She hears Kara chuckle and remembers that Kara had asked a question. Had she not answered? When Kara’s mouth moves to her neck at the same time that her fingers find Lena’s nipples, even that thought dissolves. Lena digs her fingers into Kara’s thick hair and bites her own lip hard, to keep from begging. 

At some point Kara slides one hand down, under the waistband of Lena’s pants; and in between the slick lips of her vulva. Then Lena does beg. As the sound of her insistent pulse and heavy breathing builds and begins to drown out the wet sounds of Kara’s fingers moving. As her toes graze the floor and she begins to ride Kara’s firm thighs. As Kara’s voice murmurs something sweet against her ear.

Something like, “I love touching you like this,” or “That’s so good baby,” or just, “ Lena.”

Maybe all of that and more.

And before very long at all Lena is gripping the back of the chair with all her strength and breaking open on the peak of her orgasm; with a grating sensation in her throat from whatever sounds she is making; knowing she can fully let go; that Kara will keep her from falling; that Kara will always catch her. 

She gets over-sensitive fast, this time; her body is still recovering from yesterday apparently. At the sound of her hiss, Kara backs off with a whispered, “Sorry,” and wraps tight arms around Lena’s back.

“Christ,” Lena whispers, shivering violently as the aftershocks roll through her. 

The day goes more or less like that. Kara carries her back to bed where they draw the shades and turn the red light on. They wrap around each other and undress bit by bit, between orgasms. From time to time Kara makes them turn the red light off and open the shades for a while because she’s worried about the effects it might have on Lena. They doze and talk in the yellow sunlight. And in the red light from the lamp they whisper the kind of demands and admissions that only 12-plus hours of intimate nakedness can produce.

“Fuck, no one’s ever made me feel this good…”

“Do you like this?”

“Yes ”

“How much do you like it?”

“Don’t stop, please don’t stop…”

“Your tongue makes me so crazy…”

“Say my name again…”

“That’s right darling… just like that.”

Lena notices, and begins to relish, the way Kara gives herself over to her and unravels, under the light. She supposes that when you spend most of your time holding back, letting go could be its own sort of hedonism. The more Lena digs her fingernails into Kara’s flesh, or sucks Kara’s skin between her teeth, the more she moans and writhes. And Lena wonders if casual pain might be a similar indulgence for Kara. The thought of being able to play with that, in the future, is riveting. But Lena doesn’t get too far down that path of imagination because Kara is bending her over, on all fours, just the way Lena had shown her last night; and pulling her hips back with wide, splayed fingers… and slipping inside her; curling and thrusting and…

Lena buries her face in the mattress and groans.

Later, while they are waiting for their takeout dinner to arrive, Kara huffs, “Is it ok for humans to have this much sex?” as she grinds her pussy against Lena’s. 

“Fuck don’t stop,” Lena whispers, staring at Kara’s toned abs; glistening and pink-hued, from the light, “I don’t think I can come again but please don’t stop.”

And she digs her fingernails into the muscle of Kara’s thighs.

They eat their Chinese takeout, and share a glass of wine, out on Kara’s roof deck; curled up in a blanket on the big lounge chair with their coats and hats on.

“I have never had this much sex in a 24 hour period,” Kara says, voice full of wonder.

Her posture is languid and loose as she finally sets down her chopsticks and her empty takeout container. Lena, sitting cross legged next to her, grins. She is just so full of contentment that she hardly recognizes herself. And she loves seeing Kara like this; selfindulgent and relaxed. 

“Never?” Lena asks.

Kara’s expression is all shocked amusement.

“No! Have you?”

Lena stifles a laugh at Kara’s cute expression and wipes some sauce from the corner of her lip with her thumb.

“Ummm,” she considers, taking a sip of wine. “Yes. On occasion,” she muses, and then adds, “only with women though. Men don’t have this kind of stamina.”

Kara laughs and then grows thoughtful.

“Maybe I’m actually just… gay.”

“I’m that good huh?”

Kara pokes her in the ribs, making her squeak.

“I’m telling you!” Kara laughs, “I have never had sex this amazing and,” she widens her eyes, gestures emphatically, “for this long.”

“I’ve created a monster,” Lena whispers, with mock horror.

“Yah, you have. You’ve turned me into a sex fiend Lena. I’m not fit for polite company anymore.”

“Welll, polite company is overrated,” Lena says with a smirk, setting down her wine glass.

They’ll have to go in soon. Lena’s fingers are getting cold.

“In all seriousness, though,” Lena continues, placing a hand on Kara’s knee. “You don’t need to have a label for your sexuality yet, darling. Or ever. It takes time. And, wherever you land, it’s ok with me.”

Kara’s smile is so fond that Lena feels herself blush. 

“Buuuut for the record,” she adds, “The Maybe-I’m-gay, Maybe-I’m-straight, Maybe-I’m-gay, Maybe-I'm-straight dance is like… peak bisexual/pansexual culture.”

Kara’s squinting grin is adorable.

“Really?” she laughs, head resting back against the cushion. “That’s a thing?”

“Oh very much so,” Lena deadpans.

“Well I think the ‘maybe-I’m-straight’ ship has sailed,” Kara jokes.

“Mmm you’d be surprised,” Lena teases.

“Stay here again tonight,” Kara murmurs, abruptly changing the topic. 

Her face is tipped toward the stars but her hopeful eyes slide to Lena.

“Ok,” Lena says, with a small, pleased smile, and settles beside Kara, with her head on Kara’s shoulder. 

Kara nuzzles her temple happily. The hazy, lavender clouds of urban twilight have parted high above to produce a window of sorts; a portal that allows the deepening navy of the sky to peek through, as well as a few clean, bright stars.

Lena wants to ask what all this means to Kara; what they are to each other now.  But she also wants to avoid the conversation at all costs, lest it burst this perfect bubble. 

So instead she says, “Guess I need to step up my efforts to produce a travel size light, so you can come to my place too.”

Kara’s hums in agreement.

After a minute she says, “Would it be a lot of work to just make another lamp like you made me? Maybe with a different style, that fits your place better?”

Lena’s chest swells. She’s had so many fantasies, of course. Back when it felt hopeless and ridiculous to indulge in such things. Fantasies of getting something permanent installed in her ceiling, or as a wall sconce. And even now, after everything she’s put Kara through, she would never want to be presumptuous. The larger a light is the more permanent it could feel… the more pressure it could imply, and…

But if Kara wants that…

Kara wants that.

Kara wants her.

“Yes,” Lena says, softly, propping herself up to look at her. “That’s no problem. I can do that… soon, probably.”

Kara smiles gently and reaches to tuck some hair behind Lena’s ear, eyes dancing over her face.

“Thank you,” she murmurs, “Again. The light is… is it cheesy to say it’s a game changer?”

“No,” Lena chuckles, leaning back against the cushion so that their arms are pressed together; gazing up at the sky. “I truly can’t imagine being so restricted for so long. That would be torture for me.”

“Hmm,” Kara agrees. Then, “It’s not just the light, though, you know that right?” she murmurs, and laces their fingers together. 

Holding their loosely joined hands up in front of them, she toys with Lena’s fingers, sliding her own against them, lazily. The feeling is both erotic and emotional. It makes Lena shiver. In her peripheral vision Kara turns her head.

“It’s you,” she murmurs, and rolls to her side. 

When Lena turns to look at her her eyes are as vivid blue as the darkening sky. She swallows.

“Darling, are we… I mean- I guess I mean… how should we act around other people? Our friends: do you want them to know?”

She’s treading so carefully. The thought of breaking this moment is unbearable. But if they don’t talk about things, at least a little bit, the chance for further breakage may be even higher. Lena holds her breath.

“I would love for everyone to know,” Kara all but whispers, eyes kind, “But I also want to go at your pace. I’m not in a rush.”

She begins to toy with Lena’s fingers again.

“So I think the question is,” Kara continues, “What do you want?”

Lena thinks of how much she’s hurt Kara, over the years. Of how abandoned she must have felt after Lena suddenly left town. She is seized, again, with the conviction that she needs to be the one to lay her heart on the line first, no matter how scary it is. She licks her lips. Takes a deep breath.

“I… I want us to be together,” she begins, quietly. “As a couple. Exclusively. And it’s ok if you’re not ready for that, there’s-“

“I want that too,” Kara interrupts, with a happy grin, “I’m ready.”

Lena’s cheeks tingle with happiness.

“Ok” she says, feeling a smile split her face. “Ok. Well, maybe we should give it a few days? Before making any big announcements.”

“Hmm,” Kara considered, stroking along Lena’s jaw, “A few days just for us. I like that.”

“Not that I can skip another day of work,” Lena adds, pointedly, “As much as I’d like to stay here in this sex den of debauchery with you another day.”

Kara’s eyes widen and she laughs, head thrown back.

Then, “Sex den huh?” she teases, rolling on top of Lena.

Lena laughs and wraps her arms and legs around Kara. Kara’s hair is falling over her shoulder, into the space between them.

“God, how many times have we had sex in the past 24 hours?” she wonders, not sure she could figure out the answer herself.

Kara snickers and gently rocks her pelvis into Lena’s.

Her voice is low and seductive when she says, “Does it count as separate times if we barely even stopped to eat?”

Lena smiles at her affectionately and laughs.

“I can’t go again darling. I think I hit my human limit a couple hours ago, I just didn’t want to stop.”

Kara grins. Kisses her on the nose.

“It’s ok, we should get some sleep actually. I’m worn out and I’m a Kryptonian.”

Lena’s face is actually starting to hurt from all the smiling.

“Yeah,” she says.

“Yeah,” Kara agrees.

Smile smile smile

Kara sits up and takes both of Lena’s hands.

“C’mon.”

They clean up their dinner and then shower again, together. It could be sexual but instead they just hold each other tightly under the warm spray, wet skin pressed against wet skin, and help each other bathe. It’s cozy and safe and almost more intimate than anything else they’ve done. Almost.

Kara changes the sheets while Lena combs out her hair. When they’ve dressed and plugged in their phones they climb into bed and Kara reaches over to turn out the light. Then they snuggle up against each other in the quiet darkness. 

Lena’s spent body feels heavy and relaxed and her thoughts are just beginning to wander toward sleep when Kara murmurs, against Lena’s chest, “I want you to be my girlfriend. When you're ready to use that word.”

Lena scratches at Kara’s scalp with lazy fingers; Kisses the top of her head.

“I’m ready,” she whispers.

She can hear the smile in Kara’s voice when she says, “Good.”

A chuckle.

“Good,” Lena responds.

Chapter Text

Kara is just finishing the article she has been reviewing when she hears the elevator outside Lena’s penthouse apartment chime, announcing its arrival. By the time Lena is slipping her key into the lock, Kara is at the door, eagerly pulling it open. Now that Lena has a red light too; a sleek, modern ceiling fixture right above her bed; they spend at least half their time here. 

“Hi!” Kara gushes, as Lena’s pretty face comes into view, eyes lighting up with happy surprise.

“Hi!” Lena laughs… and then laughs some more when Kara shuts the door behind her and backs her up against it.

“I missed you,” she says softly, and kisses Lena lightly on the lips.

“Clearly,” Lena replies, with a smirk, draping her arms over Kara’s shoulders and kissing her back.

“Mmm,” she murmurs into Kara’s lips, pressing her body against her, “I missed you too.”

Kara’s fingers find the sash of Lena’s coat and begin to untie it. It’s only been 9 hours since they kissed goodbye on the balcony, before heading to work, but it feels like an eternity. 

Lena and Kara spent the first week after making up in a bubble of cozy happiness. Days bled one into another as they tried to focus on their jobs and responsibilities while finding every opportunity to text, call and sneak off together. They had quickies at work and raced home at the end of every day to spend their evenings wrapped up in each other; eating dinner, naked, on the couch. Or even in bed. 

By week two their friends began to notice something was up. They dodged calls, texts and questions, and when Nia narrowed her eyes suspiciously at Kara and said, “You’re glowing,” Kara put her off with a dismissive, “I always glow, I’m Supergirl.”

After everything they’ve been through, it has felt so wonderful and safe to have this little cocoon of togetherness that is just theirs. But after a week and a half of very little communication Alex finally weaseled it out of Kara.

“So…” she pried, “Anything… new going on?” And elbowed Kara in the ribs. “Anything your favorite sister should know about?”

“You’re my only sister,” Kara responded.

When Alex just continued staring at her, expectantly, Kara felt a grin spread over her face. Apparently she was just incapable of keeping it inside anymore.

“Lena and I made up. She apologized and we made up and now we’re officially dating.”

She bit her lip and tried to keep from levitating right off the ground. At the sight of the joy practically bursting from her sister, Alex squealed, grabbing Kara’s arm.

“What!? Oh my god!” she exclaimed, gripping Kara’s arm and all but laughing with delight. “I knew it! I told you she would come around!”

Kara couldn’t hold back a wide smile.

“I will admit,” she mused, “I had my doubts. But you were right. She worked through her stuff… and came back.”

Then Kara felt her expression soften.

“She always comes back.”

Now, as Kara’s searching fingers slide Lena’s skirt up…. As she drops to her knees, right here, against Lena’s front door… she can’t believe it’s taken them so long to make it to this point in their relationship. 

The sexual chemistry and wild attraction that have consumed them both like a sweeping inferno are simultaneously unexpected and so obvious that Kara feels like an idiot for not seeing it sooner. It feels like their relationship is a piece of machinery that had been put together incorrectly yet still managed to hobble along somehow. For years. And now that all the pieces are properly oiled and aligned the intense power and efficiency of it… of them… is overwhelming. 

“God, Kara,” Lena sighs, as Kara’s mouth finds its target; and she begins to worship at Lena’s altar. 

Before long, Lena’s soft, wet flesh is pressing, rhythmically, against her face as her cries of pleasure increase in both tempo and volume. Kara’s heart throbs along with the pulsing of Lena’s clit and the leg thrown over Kara’s shoulder begins to tremble. Then, in a split second the dam breaks and Lena is sobbing her relief, spine snapping and fingers twisting in Kara’s hair. Kara licks her through it, gentle, and then more gentle. Until Lena’s leg slides off her shoulder and she slumps against the door. Then, rising to her feet, Kara wipes her face with one hand before nuzzling their noses together and pecking a boneless, drowsy Lena on the lips.

“Hungry?” she asks, softly.

Lena chuckles, gazing up at her with flushed cheeks and heavy lids.

“I could eat. You , preferably.”

Kara feels her neck grow warm at the thought. But she has to stay focused.

“I meant actual food,” she clarifies, with a giggle, pulling back. “I made you dinner!”

Lena chuckles again and wipes a shiny patch from Kara’s cheek, then follows her into the kitchen. Shoeless and relaxed, she all but melts onto one of the kitchen stools. 

“Whew,” she says, wiping perspiration off her forehead, “I could get used to that kind of welcome home.”

A smile splits Kara’s face as she takes the plates she’d been keeping warm out of the oven. She made a simple rigatoni with meat sauce and baked green beans. 

“Well I am happy to oblige,” she says with a grin, setting the plates out to cool and reaching for some crusty, french bread to slice.

Kara ate one heaping portion of the pasta while waiting for Lena but due to her accelerated metabolism she is already hungry for more. Halfway through slicing up the bread she glances up at Lena to find her flushed, disheveled and looking between Kara and the food as if she can’t quite decide which she is more hungry for. Kara’s desire throbs low in her abdomen. She’s been wet since Lena walked through the door. Since she heard her get off the elevator. But she will be damned if she lets this pavlovian effect Lena has on her get in the way of keeping her very human girlfriend fed.

And hydrated! She thinks, pouring Lena a glass of water. 

Pushing it across the counter she says, “C’mon! Before it gets cold,” and picks up the two plates of food.

In a blur of Superspeed she has the plates and breadbasket on the table with places set and a bottle of wine open. Lena makes her way, languidly, over to the small dining table and plops down into a chair.

“Thanks for doing all this,” she sighs, happily.

And Kara doesn’t miss her sultry stare when she adds, “I’m starving.”

For about the hundredth time since making up with Lena, Kara thanks her lucky stars that everything is so perfect; so perfectly, perfectly wonderful. If she could live the rest of her life like this, in this easy domestic routine with Lena, she wouldn’t complain for a moment. The domestic rhythm they seem to be settling into of casual mornings and evenings together with work and other obligations in between; of Lena picking up groceries and Kara picking up the drycleaning; of folding laundry together while they watch tv after dinner; of Kara locking up and Lena getting them water; of curling up next to each other in bed, at night; it’s all just so terribly, wonderfully ordinary and soothing. And yes, Kara thinks, as she watches Lena take a bite of her rigatoni and sigh happily, she would very much like to do this for the rest of her life. With Lena.

“Sooo, I still need to take you on a date,” Kara says, scooping up a forkful of green beans.

Lena looks at her quizzically, and swallows her food.

“You’ve taken me on lots of dates,” she corrects.

“Well, coffee doesn’t count,” Kara replies, “Neither does going to Sweetgreens after yoga and before grocery shopping.”

Lena takes a sip of her wine and considers Kara, over the edge of the glass. Her pale eyes are so very warm, and affectionate. It makes Kara a little dizzy.

“I guess everything feels like a date, when I’m with you,” Lena says softly.

It’s so sweetly vulnerable of Lena; so soft and open, that Kara’s heart flutters a little and she has to resist carrying Lena off to bed right now. 

Instead she laces the fingers of one hand with Lena’s and says, “I want to take you somewhere nice. I want to get dressed up and pick you up and go to dinner.” She begins to sway their joined hands back and forth, on the table, as Lena’s eyes crinkle at the edges, with a smile. “We can share a dessert and then go for a walk, holding hands. Maybe there will be a street musician and we can slowdance on the sidewalk or pop into a bar for a nightcap.”

The longer she speaks the more Lena’s eyes sparkle.

“And if there is no street musician?” she asks.

Kara chuckles.

“Then I’ll fly us up, high above the city, and we’ll dance in the stars.”

Some deep, nameless emotion sweeps across Lena’s face and her eyes are so soft and open that Kara feels the back of her own eyes tickle, as if her tear ducts are waking up, preparing to be needed. Lena covers the swell of emotion with another sip of wine. An excuse to break eye contact.

“And after that?” she asks, clearing her throat, when her voice catches.

Kara releases Lena’s hand and begins to trace her middle finger in light patterns over her wrist. She watches the little hairs on Lena’s arm stand up. 

“After that I’ll fly you home, and land on your balcony…”

Lena is biting her lip and watching Kara ravenously.

“I’ll kiss you and hope that you’ll invite me in, though I won’t presume, of course.”

“Of course,” Lena whispers, with mock seriousness. “And if I do invite you in?”

“Wellll,” Kara replies, eyes dancing, “I’ll start at first base…”

Lena freezes.

And Kara has to actively repress a laugh as she adds, “Then I’ll move onto second base…”

Lena’s lips fall open in amused outrage.

“And,” Kara continues, grinning foolishly, “If I play my cards right…”

“Oh you are not getting to third base with that kind of game,” Lena interrupts.

Unperturbed, Kara places a warm hand on Lena’s thigh, under the table, and smiles what she knows is her most charming smile.

“Yes I am,” she murmurs.

Lena gulps. A hot, prickly flush spreads up her neck.

“Yeah. Yep, you definitely are,” she concedes, voice scratchy.

Kara cackles.

They skip dessert in favor of heading to bed early.

…

Lena wakes suddenly, in the darkness, with her heart racing. For a moment she isn’t sure why she’s awake. Nothing seems to be amiss as she slowly stretches and listens to the quiet darkness of her bedroom. Beside her Kara is curled in on herself, in the white bedding, with her blonde hair splayed across the pillow. It gives Lena pause for a moment and she props herself up on her elbows. Typically, Kara sleeps splayed out on her stomach, unless they are both on their sides, with Lena tucked against her front, with one of Kara’s arms wrapped around her. But now… something about the stiffness of posture is off. 

Kara’s eyebrows quirk and then draw together. She twitches. Is she having a dream? Lena props herself up on her elbows. Is it her imagination or is Kara’s breathing accelerating? Should she wake her? The furrow between Kara’s eyebrows deepens and she mumbles something incoherent, then tosses her head, rolling onto her back. 

“Hey,” Lena whispers, placing a hand on her arm, “Shhhh, it’s ok. It’s a dream.”

She kisses Kara’s shoulder and rubs soothing circles on her skin with her thumb. But Kara doesn’t wake. If anything, she becomes more agitated. Her breathing picks up until she’s almost panting and a sheen appears on her forehead.

“Hey,” Lena says, louder this time, shaking Kara slightly. “Kara? Wake up. You’re having a nightmare.”

But Kara doesn’t wake. She begins to thrash and Lena is forced to pull back when a super human arm lands heavily next to her hip. Hovering at the edge of the bed, with her heart in her throat, Lena tries again to get Kara’s attention.

“Hey,” she says, loudly, “Darling wake up.”

Her own heart and adrenaline are racing as she watches tears trickle from the corner of Kara’s eyes. She feels so powerless, watching Kara suffer like this. Why isn’t she waking? 

When Kara hiccups a sob and mumbles, “Nooooo,” it galvanizes Lena’s resolve.

She scrambles for the red lamp switch and realizes, belatedly, that she had built it in such a way that only Kara has the ability to turn it on. 

“Shit,” she hisses.

Kara tosses her head back and forth as if she’s trying to get away from something. Lena’s fingers spark; little pinpoints of light in the darkness. She can feel her magic coursing through her veins, the same protective instinct that had caused her to shock Kara months ago. Without even fully committing to it Lena is forming a spell in her mind. She’s mumbling some of the necessary words while the others seem to play out behind her eyes and then before she even realizes it’s over she is pressing her finger to the switch and hearing the soft click. Dim red light floods the darkness and, in spite of the fact that Lena has come to associate the color red with mind-blowing sex, right now it is making the situation feel downright sinister. The air is heavy in a way Lena hasn’t felt outside of meditative trances and the hair on the back of her neck raises. Quickly, she crawls on top of Kara and begins to smack her cheek lightly. 

“Kara,” she urges, “Kara, wake up, wake up! ”

In her sleep Kara’s hands fly to Lena’s thighs, where they are bracketing her waist, and squeeze. The places where Kara’s fingers dig into Lena’s skin begin to burn and Kara’s body jerks so hard that Lena is forced to press down with her whole body, to keep her in place. Then, grabbing Kara’s shoulders, she shakes her violently and yells her name.

Kara’s eyes pop open with an enormous gulp of air. At first her eyes are unseeing and when they focus on Lena they fill with something akin to fear. Her neck muscles are taught, the tendons standing out, and her whole body is stiff under Lena. Her fingers are still squeezing and Lena knows she will have bruises later but doesn’t care. 

“Shhh, shhhh,” she soothes, voice shaky, caressing Kara’s sweaty face. “It’s ok. You’re ok. It was just a dream.”

Kara stares at her, brow furrowed and eyes rounded with fear for a moment longer, then blinks a few times.

“Lena?” she mumbles, weakly, relaxing her hands.

“Yes,” Lena says, with what she hopes is a soothing smile. “It’s ok. You’re awake. It’s ok.”

She slides off of Kara, to give her some space, and Kara immediately curls in on herself, drawing the blanket up to her chin. Her eyes are wide with residual terror. Lena flips off the red light and turns the regular bedside light on low, to chase away the shadows. Then she lays down next to Kara and presses their foreheads together.

“Your eyes were glowing,” Kara mumbles.

She’s trembling slightly and Lena wraps an arm around her.

“It was just a dream,” Lena whispers.

Kara nuzzles into Lena’s side and presses her head to Lena’s chest until Lena is on her back with her arms cradled around Kara. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks, cautiously.

Kara shakes her head slightly and squeezes her more tightly.

“Just hold me?”

Lena’s chest flutters and she pulls Kara closer. 

“Of course,” she murmurs, kissing the top of Kara’s head. “I’ve got you. Go back to sleep. I’ve got you.”

Inwardly, Lena conjures a protective spell and whispers an incantation to summon peaceful rest and the easing of worries, into Kara’s hair. If Kara hears, she doesn’t say anything, but eventually her breathing slows. Lena, however, doesn’t fall asleep again for a long time.

. . .

In the morning Kara doesn’t seem to want to talk about it, when Lena asks her gently if she’s ok.

“Fine!” she replies, brusquely, as she bustles around getting ready, “I get nightmares sometimes. Sorry you had to deal with it.”

“It’s no problem,” Lena says, from her perch on the bed, where she is pulling her pants up. “I’m always here for you.”

Kara looks at her then, with a soft, sad smile and crosses to peck her on the lips.

“I know,” she whispers, kissing her again on the top of her head.

Lena lets it drop but can’t get the sight of Kara’s wide, terrified eyes out of her mind.

They fly to Kara’s on their way to work because Lena really wants her sapphire earrings and she is certain they are there, in spite of the fact that Kara has been unable to find them. It’s a crisp, December morning, unwarmed by sunlight and Lena inwardly chastises herself for her vanity. Favorite earrings be damned. Nothing is worth this frigid wind. Even Kara’s strong, warm arms cradling her so gently are not enough to ward off the cold.

Luckily it is less than a minute before they are touching down on Kara’s balcony and Kara is helping her through the window. Lena slams to a stop only a couple steps in. Kara, not realizing she has stopped, walks right into her and then has to catch her before she tumbles to the ground. Together, they survey the damage. A potted plant by the window is turned over with dirt spilling out. The couch is sitting at an odd angle with the throw pillows in disarray. The breakfast dishes they had left drying on the counter a couple days ago are in pieces on the floor.

Without a word, Kara disappears in a blur of motion that ruffles Lena’s hair only to reappear in the kitchen before disappearing again and rematerializing by the couch. Before Lena’s senses register that she’s gone again she hears Kara rustling around in the bedroom. Finally recovering from her shock, Lena begins to look around. Making a beeline for the door she finds it closed and with the locks secure.

“The door’s still locked!” she calls.

The thief must have come in through the window. Or picked the old, poorly made lock...

Kara storms back into the room like a thundercloud, saying “No one’s here.”

She puffs out her chest, plants her feet and furrows her eyebrows in concentration; a pose so essentially “Supergirl,” that it makes Lena smile, inwardly, in spite of herself. She crosses to Kara and places a hand on her arm.

“Hey, we’ll figure it out,” she says, soothingly, and begins to scan the room for further damage or anything missing.

Something on the ground catches Kara’s eye. All the fight goes out of her in an instant.

“Ohhhh, my mug!” she whines, scooping over to examine something on the floor.

Lena looks to see her cradling pieces of broken ceramic. It’s her Garfield mug. The one that depicts a certain orange cat, inhaling a family size dinner, along with the enigmatic phrase, “Once my eating gains momentum, it’s hard to slow down.” It’s old and scratched but it’s been Kara’s favorite for as long as Lena’s known her. 

Crestfallen, Kara murmurs, “Jeremiah gave me this.”

Lena crosses the room to crouch down next to her. 

“I’m so sorry darling,” she says softly, leaning her head against Kara’s shoulder and eyeing the shards of porcelain.

“Maybe we can glue it,” Kara mumbles, stacking all the pieces in a pile on the counter.

Lena finds part of the handle on the floor and hands it to her.

“Kara… have you ever considered moving?”

Kara’s eyebrows shoot up in alarm but Lena soldiers on. 

“Supergirl has a lot of enemies. So does Kara Danvers. You could afford a more secure place now. With a lobby door that actually locks and an unlisted address!”

Kara drops her gaze and shakes her head.

“This is my home,” she says, and stoops to gather some broken dishes and put them in the trash. “I’ve lived here since I first moved to the city! It’s… I don’t need to leave. I’m the most powerful person on the planet. I can handle a few burglars here and there. I’ll change the locks and- and I’ll listen out for trouble.”

Seeing how upset she is, Lena sets aside all the practical problems with Kara’s argument for the moment and nibbles her lip.

“Are you sure it was a burglar?” Lena asks, “They left the tv. Is anything of value missing?”

Together, they peruse the apartment, checking Kara’s jewelry (which, in general, isn’t the kind of jewelry you break into a house for,) technology and important documents. Lena is relieved to find that the red lamp is untouched as she rifles through Kara’s bedside table. She even finds her earrings on the floor under Kara’s bed (and is suddenly assaulted with a pleasant and inconvenient memory of Kara pulling them out with her teeth a week and a half ago.) Other than that, things are tossed around a bit but nothing seems to be missing. Lena suggests calling the police, to see if there have been any other break-ins in the area but Kara doesn’t seem to think it will be helpful. Lena can practically see, in real time, as Kara cocoons into her stubborn, self-sufficient, Supergirl shell. It used to read as arrogant narcissism to Lena; truthfully it drove her crazy (in more ways than one, she now realizes.) But now she sees it for the trauma response it is and her heart trembles a little. She knows Kara well enough by now to let her cool down.

They clean up what they can, quickly. Kara has to head to a meeting and, once she realizes nothing is missing, seems content to brush the whole thing off as a random incident and move on. But Lena is unsettled. She offers to stay behind and clean up a little and as soon as Kara leaves she grabs her phone and dials Amir’s number. He doesn’t ask questions when Lena tells him to reschedule her morning meetings and gives him the exact make and model of the high tech lock she wants him to procure, asap, from L-Corp’s security contractor. While she waits, Lena tidies up further. She rights the potted plant and sweeps up the dirt. Drags the couch back into position and replaces the couch cushions. All the while she keeps an eye out for anything missing or unusual. Something just doesn’t feel right. It’s like there’s some awareness lurking at the edges of her mind, but everytime she turns to look at it, it disappears. The nonsensical nature of the break-in needles at Lena. Why come in and break a bunch of dishes, then leave?

45 minutes later, Amir, looking impeccable in the mid-range clothing and sunglasses he somehow always manages to make look designer, meets her in front of a deli down the street. It may be overkill, to protect the location of Kara’s apartment by not meeting him there, but Lena has learned never to be too careful. If Amir thinks it’s odd, he doesn’t say anything. He just hands over a discreet shopping bag containing the lock and a small tool kit.

“I assumed you would want to install it yourself,” he explains.

Lena raises an eyebrow.

“You assume correctly.”

When he smiles his eyes crinkle at the corners; Lena’s validation is clearly appreciated.

“Shall I order you lunch, Ms. Luthor?” he asks, politely.

“No,” she murmurs, letting the use of “Ms. Luthor” instead of “Lena” slide, “Thank you, Amir. Why don’t I call you while I install the lock and we can go through the Danaher proposal.”

“I’ll head back to the office,” he replies, with an affirmative dip of his head.

He is just beginning to step away when Lena stops him.

“Actually, could you also call the local precinct and see if there have been any break-ins reported in the area? Don’t make a big deal out of it or anything, but if they give you the runaround you can say you’re calling on my behalf.”

The call to the precinct doesn’t turn up much. There have been a few break-ins reported, but no more than is ordinary based on the location. When Lena finally has the high-tech, biometric, code activated lock installed and activated she glances around the apartment helplessly. It just feels like she should be doing more. The next time she’s here, she vows to bring the necessary items to do a scrying spell. Maybe, if she really concentrates, she can pick up some images or information about what happened here. In the meantime, she does a short, walking meditation with a candle and a glass of water. Slowly and methodically she recites an invocation of protective ancestor spirits to guard all the windows and doors of Kara’s apartment. Then she slips out the door to continue with her day.

. . .

Sitting curled up on Kara’s couch, a few days later, under a cozy blanket with her laptop open, Lena tries to angle her screen away as Kara unpacks her shopping bags on the kitchen counter. Clicking through about a dozen open tabs with gift ideas on them Lena peruses beautiful new dinnerware and drinking glass sets in a variety of styles. But she begins to slowly close out of the tabs, one by one, when she realizes how expensive everything is. It’s not that she can’t afford it. It’s that Kara will hate the extravagance. And Lena really wants her to love this gift. It’s their first Christmas together as a couple, after all. The final tab gives Lena pause, however, and her finger hovers over the trackpad. The screen displays a gorgeous collection of delicate, antique looking dishes that she knows Kara would adore. Stylistically speaking, that is. The dishes are pale green and hand painted with flowers, butterflies and singing birds. A thin, gold band kisses the edge of each dish, indicating that they are almost certainly not dishwasher safe. Kara will hate them. Kara will love them. One set of 2 dinner plates is $300. That’s not too bad, right? Lena adds 6 sets to her cart. Then moves on to cups, saucers, bowls, serving platters, a teapot… 

It’s the week before Christmas and the Super Friends (Lena chuckles both at the nickname and at the fact that she is one of them) are having their Secret Santa gift swap in just a few days. Lena had been delighted to find out she had somehow gotten Kara’s name and has been brainstorming ideas for a month. But somehow, she just can’t find anything that feels right. She has boatloads of ideas of course. It’s the strict $30 limit Nia has imposed on them that makes it challenging. 

“It’s the perfect amount for a gag gift Lena!” Nia had replied, when Lena inquired about whether an exception could be made. “Get some silly socks! Or, if you want to get something more normal, how about a nice candle? That’s all anyone expects.”

But Kara is her girlfriend now. Somehow, something as mundane as silly socks or a nice candle just aren’t special enough. Personal enough. On the other hand, Kara is her girlfriend. So doesn’t that give Lena the right to buy her a separate gift of unlimited price? Surely. 

In the kitchen Kara huffs and then clucks in disappointment. Lena turns to watch as she examines the Garfield coffee mug Kara had painstakingly glued back together. The entire handle has come unstuck again. A lightning bolt of inspiration crackles through Lena’s brain. Excited, she opens a new window.

…

Kara’s thigh feels warm and comforting where it’s pressed up against Lena’s. It’s not enough. Kara longs to wrap an arm around Lena, or hold her hand. But only Alex and Kelly know about them… and Mon El, technically, though he doesn’t seem to have told anyone…. and she wants to wait till the right time. Until they both agree it’s the right time. They are back in J’onn’s place, the tower, where everyone has gathered for a holiday party in the big communal space. Looking around at the large, warm room makes Kara feel a little nostalgic. There was a time this felt like a second home. As she takes in the bare wood framing juxtaposed with the various alien and future technology she recalls the countless hours she has spent working and hanging out here. The jewel tones, personal touches and happy atmosphere settle over her like a familiar blanket. It feels so odd that it has been ages since she’s been back. The group has pulled couches and chairs into a loose circle with folding tables off to the sides piled with food (home made and takeout,) a crock pot filled with spiced cider and every kind of drink imaginable. 

Kara picks up a potsticker from the full plate Lena is holding and takes a cheeky bite. Lena smirks a little at Kara’s contented expression and reaches to take one herself. But Kara pulls the plate away with an expression of faux outrage. All it takes for her to surrender unconditionally is a smooth raise of Lena’s perfectly arched eyebrow. Suddenly Kara is meekly surrendering the plate and watching, transfixed, as Lena delicately picks up a potsticker, with her chopsticks, and takes a bite. Her eyes don’t leave Kara’s as she chews, slow. Distracted, Kara swallows her own bite awkwardly and almost chokes on it. Lena smirks… which makes Kara squirm a little in her seat… which makes a sticky heat begin to spread up Lena’s neck…

Lena bites her lip and begins to mentally calculate the location of the nearest private bathroom.

Standing from his seat across the room J’onn, dressed in a festive sweater, claps once and says, “Ok, ok, everyone!” his deep voice, resonant and cheerful. “It’s time for the gift exchange!”

The arousal that had been rapidly spreading through Lena’s body moves to the background of her mind for the time being as her attention turns to the gift exchange, and her rising nervousness. There’s an excited bustle of activity as everyone locates their gifts and finds a place to sit. Esme tucks herself between Kelly and Alex. Brainy finds a spot beside Mon El and pulls Nia into his lap. Their friend group has grown a little, as time has gone on. They’ve absorbed a couple folks from the DEO and a couple of Nia’s friends. A friend of M’gann’s is here and a scientist from Lena’s lab who happens to be in Brainy’s chess club. Their circle is growing with time which makes Lena feel strangely safe and hopeful… and home. She leans more heavily into Kara’s side. 

The present-opening begins with the usual gifts: a bottle of wine, a scented candle, a book. As the gift exchange progresses with surprised laughter and good natured groans Kara lifts her arm to the back of the couch under the pretense of adjusting her ponytail, before her arm migrates to the top of the couch, just behind Lena’s shoulders. Kara is very carefully not touching Lena with her arm, which is a little weird because it’s something she would have comfortably done before. When they were "just friends." But now that their relationship has stepped definitively over the line from friendship into more , these past couple weeks, without their friend’s knowledge (or so it seems,) they circle each other a lot more carefully around others. And throw caution to the wind when they are alone. 

Lena sips her wine happily and thinks of the time they spent pressed against each other in her bed just this morning. She squirms in her seat and forces her attention back to the gift exchange, where Esme is opening a small, squishy, stuffed mouse from M’Gann. 

She squeals, with delight, and asks, “How did you know!?”

Alex and M’gann exchange a knowing glance.

“A little mouse told me,” M’gann replies, with a wink.

All the while Lena holds her own gift, a small box that fits neatly between her hands. She cradles it with gentle fingers; as if holding something priceless. In a sense, she is. This second glass of wine is working its way through her system, turning her nerves into excitement and softening her inhibitions. God, she wants to turn her head to look at Kara, to stare at her smiling eyes and golden hair. But surely everyone would see the way Lena feels about her then. It would be written all over her face. She settles for sinking into Kara’s side a little more and resting her head against her shoulder. Most people are drinking or distracted, so surely she can have this. Kara freezes for a moment, and then softens into her, seemingly succumbing to the urge to wrap her arm around Lena, resting her hand on Lena’s shoulder. The warmth of her body is familiar and exciting. Lena feels her cheeks warm at the thought of being in Kara’s bed later tonight and begins to wonder how early would be too early to leave the party with that express purpose in mind. 

Suddenly someone calls her name and Lena realizes, with a start, that it’s her turn. With a jolt, her nerves come rushing back in and she sits up straight. All eyes are on her now but she only has eyes for one person. She turns to gaze at Kara; all warm smile and relaxed body language. She’s beautiful. And Lena loves her so much. And suddenly it doesn’t seem like it matters if anyone else knows.

She hands the box to Kara, whose easy smile spreads even wider, eyes crinkling at the edges. 

“You got me!?” she exclaims, with delight.

Lena nods, bites her lip and waits for Kara to open her gift. The room is still humming with background noise; quiet chatter, shuffling, the clinking of glasses and cutlery; as Kara rips off the paper and opens the top. She pulls out a coffee mug. An old, weathered, Garfield coffee mug. An unbroken Garfield coffee mug. Kara goes still. With a wonder filled expression she gingerly turns the mug to read the quirky, familiar words: “Once my eating gains momentum, it’s hard to slow down.”

Kara stares at it for a long time, mouth hanging open a little, as if she is lost for words. Lena grits her teeth and resists the urge to ask her if she likes it.

Alex speaks up from the next couch over, “Is that… your Garfield mug?”

Kara starts to speak and then has to pause to swallow. 

“No,” she says, voice thick. “Mine got broken during the… the break-in.” She turns to Lena, eyes shining, “Where did you find this?”

Lena clears her throat.

“Ehm, a… small antique dealer in Kentucky listed it on-“

Lena doesn’t even get to finish her sentence because Kara sets the mug in her lap, cups Lena’s face in both hands, and kisses her. Right on the lips. Right in front of everyone. All the anxiety drains out of Lena in one big whoosh and she melts into the softness of Kara’s lips, which feel like warm rays of sun bathing her upturned face.

All the hushed talking and shuffling in the room screeches to a halt. Kara kisses her again. It’s soft, tender, and filled with a well of deep emotion that seems to spill over into Lena’s chest and threaten to overflow it. Lena soaks it in. When they pull apart, smiling and blushing, the silence of the room suddenly seems to register to Kara and she stiffens, turning wide eyed to take in the sight of every pair of eyes in the room riveted on them with expressions ranging from delight to confusion to shock. 

“I… guess this is a good time to tell you that we’re dating,” Kara states, holding her breath. 

The room erupts with noise.

“Fucking Finally!” Nia shouts at the same time that J’onn says, “What?”

Someone is actually clapping… more than one person actually, it’s a lot to take in. Alex is wolf whistling and Esme is squealing while Kelly glances reproachfully at a wincing Nia; a gentle reprimand for the swearing. Others are laughing. They are… happy. Happy for her. Happy for Kara. Lena grins and blushes and doesn’t even try to hide her bursting heart. Kara’s blue eyes are asking Lena if it’s ok; ok that she accidentally spilled the beans. She responds by slipping her hand into Kara’s, and lacing their fingers together. Kara’s eyes sparkle and hold her like a loose embrace. Lena thinks she could be safe forever in that gaze. She looks around at their friends; their family. And if this is how they respond when they find out she and Kara are dating, these people will absolutely lose their minds when they get eng- 

Gulping, Lena tries to swallow that thought… and the alarm at how easily it had floated to the surface of her mind; buoyant and confident. 

“Ok, ok,” Kara is saying with mock annoyance, “Let’s get back to the gift exchange!”

The exchange moves on and the spotlight shifts away from them. Kara wraps an arm around Lena and Lena settles back against her shoulder with relief. A movement in her periphery catches her eye and she glances over to see Mon El exiting through a side door, as if he doesn’t want anyone to notice. She presses her lips together in a burst of conflicted emotion. Because he can certainly go fuck himself. But at the same time, Lena knows what it’s like to be on the outside looking in; at a Kara who is happy and in lo-

A jolt of adrenaline shoots through Lena at the second shocking thought she’s had in as many minutes. She takes another gulp of wine and turns to look at her love; golden, beautiful and good through and through. Kara beams at her with something open and pure in her eyes that steals Lena’s breath. And right here, in this breathtaking moment, filled with the laughter and warmth of her friends and her girl (Kara , who has chosen Lena, against all odds,) Lena thinks that she would be very happy to do this, for the rest of her life, with Kara.

Chapter Text

If you had asked Kara, a year ago, where she would be in her life and what she would be doing at this very moment, kneeling behind Lena Luthor with one hand on her neck, one on the headboard, and their (mostly) bare hips slapping together rhythmically would not have been on the list. Sex with Lena is significant enough, but this? The concept that Kara might be anywhere near a strap-on, let alone wearing one, would have been so far out of the realm of possibility, a year ago, that it never would have entered her mind. She had known they existed of course, in the abstract sense. But had never for an instant thought anything about them at all. Then came the avalanche of realization about how she felt about Lena; the romantic love and the… intense sexual attraction. And the realization that Lena felt the same way. In very short order she had learned how to have sex with a woman; with Lena. And with a red sun lamp no less. Most of the time anyway. Now she’s in a whole new world of possibility. 

There’s a thin sheen of sweat on Lena’s back; the late afternoon light that finds its way through the tightly closed blinds is painting thin stripes of glistening white on her red-lamp pinkened skin. Her face is red, where it rests on the pillow, slightly turned to the side. Her mouth is open, her eyes are tightly closed and her arms are folded haphazardly underneath herself, where she collapsed on top of them. (She’s alternating between biting her lip, moaning in time with Kara’s thrusts, and crying out when it’s particularly good.)

When Kara found a strap-on in Lena’s bedside table, not long after they’d started sleeping together, she’d been a little shocked. She’d just been looking for a phone charger, for crying out loud, and had instead pulled out a strange harness that didn’t initially make sense to her. Until she found the dildo, moments later. She’d hissed and thrown them at the table, as if they had bitten her. Then, feeling foolish, she gathered them back up and took a good, long look. In the space of about one minute she made the mental journey from Lena-owns-a-strap-on, to Lena-has-used-a-strap-on, to Lena-has-used-this-strap-on, to Lena-has-used-this-strap-on-with-other-people, to maybe-I-could-use-a-strap-on-with-Lena-too. Somewhere around the “other people” realization, Kara had suddenly dropped the thing again as an image of Jenny popped into her mind. She stood with her hands on her hips looking down at the forlorn harness and dildo for another full minute. Then scooped them into a plastic shopping bag and headed to the nearest sex shop. Because she was absolutely going to have sex with Lena using a strap-on. But she was absolutely not going to use this strap-on. The wonderful salesperson didn’t blink at her sunglasses and hat, or the used strap-on she was trying to replace, and was able to find her something right away. 

She did a little light reading to familiarize herself with the basics, of course, but in the end decided that the best thing to do was ask Lena. That had been an interesting conversation. She waited until they were tangled in bed together and taking a breather from their first orgasms of the evening to broach the topic.

“Sooo, I accidentally found something in your bedside table recently,” she said, stroking Lena's sharp jaw.

Lena raised an eyebrow.

“And what might that be?” she huffed curiously, still catching her breath.

“I think you know,” Kara said with a grin, kissing Lena’s temple.

Lena let out a small, breathless laugh.

“And you’re telling me because…”

“Uhhh, Wellll… I was wondering if…” 

A wave of anxiety washed over her. But Lena just cupped Kara’s face with one hand and raised her head so that she could see her properly. 

“Are you asking if I’d like to use a strap on with you darling?”

Kara flushed violently, but nodded. 

“If you want that too… then yes, I’d like to try. I just… need some pointers.”

Lena’s grin was blinding. Then her expression became rather seductive. Her voice, rather smoky.

“I’d be happy to give you some pointers,” she murmured, brushing Kara’s hair off her bare shoulder. “Would you want to wear it? Or would you like me to?”

Kara hadn’t actually considered this part. She felt her forehead wrinkle.

“Um… I guess I’d like to try… both?”

Lena’s responding smirk made Kara shiver.

She suggested that she wear it the first time, since she was the one with experience. When Kara reached under her bed and pulled out a bag with an entirely new harness and dildo Lena froze for a moment. 

“Oh,” Kara said, “I hope it’s ok. I took the liberty of replacing yours. I wanted something that was just for us. It should be almost exactly the same.”

Lena’s eyes shone a bit at that, and she swallowed.

“Yes that’s… more than ok. Thank you darling, you saved me the trouble.”

Being on the receiving end was pretty great. It felt intimate in a different way than other things they’d done. It was exhilarating to be able to see Lena’s face and body hovering above her like that, her hair tossed up in a messy bun. To watch Lena move in a new way; with so much confidence, grace and… insistence. To see the light in her eyes. To hear the rhythmic huffs and soft grunts, as she thrust. To be able to wrap a leg around her. And reach up to pull her into a messy kiss just before she came.

Wearing it, herself. Is a wholllle other ballgame. First, there is the intense degree to which Lena: Loves. It. How honest and direct she was about what she wanted, the first time, even as the pale skin of her chest and neck flushed with embarrassment. There is also the physicality of it. The vague sense of aggression that’s inherent in penetrating someone; of dominance, however gentle. Which feels soooo good. Like waking up from a restful sleep and doing a full body stretch first thing in the morning. Then of course there is the newness of it. The taboo nature. The dirtiness that makes her feel hot and cold all over, all at once. The slick, shining slide of the silicone and the sound of it; wet and smacking. But by far the most intoxicating thing about it, is the way it makes Lena come apart. The first time she fucked Lena with the strap-on, she’d almost come herself.

Lena’s breathy cries are getting louder so Kara speeds up her pace, grunting softly, in rhythm with her thrusts. She’s getting so wonderfully winded, thanks to the light. She’s actually sweating, which feels amazing. 

And Lena is pushing back against Kara now, adamantly, with each thrust; bracing herself against the headboard and brokenly sobbing, “Oh god, oh god, oh god, Kara, fuck.”

So Kara grips the headboard tightly, arm muscles straining, and reaches under Lena with her other hand to strum her wet, swollen clit a few times. Lena seizes up, her whole body spasming when she comes, with a guttaral groan, as Kara fucks her through it, like she knows Lena likes. She does everything she can to drag it out: slowing down till she’s only rocking their hips together, pressing hard onto Lena’s clit with still fingers, biting and sucking the salty skin at the nape of her neck. Lena shakes and whimpers and seems caught in a long moment that is just a hair shy of overwhelm. Finally, she starts to collapse; legs sliding out from under her. Kara slows to a stop and presses open mouthed kisses down Lena’s sweaty spine. Reverently, carefully, she pulls out, relishing the way Lena’s pink, tender skin glistens and twitches in response. Then, wriggling out of the harness, Kara gently rolls Lena onto her back, and snuggles up against her.

“Mmm,” Lena hums, eyes closed, turning into her a little. 

Lena’s voice is thin and whispery when she says, “You've gotten very good at that, Darling.”

Kara bites her lip and presses her forehead into Lena’s damp neck, grinning.

“I had a good teacher,” she murmurs back.

Lena chuckles, sleepily, and runs her fingers, once, through Kara’s hair. 

“You should take a nap,” Kara murmurs, propping herself up on one elbow and kissing Lena’s forehead. “I’ll put the roast in the oven and make the salad.”

Lena’s already half asleep, anyway, by the look of it. 

“K,” she mumbles, with a sigh, and rolls, heavily, to her side.

Lena’s penthouse is peaceful and golden in the late afternoon light as Kara makes her way through it. It’s Christmas Eve and they’ve spent the day shopping, running last minute errands and cooking for tonight’s dinner. In the morning they will wake before dawn and fly over to Alex’s to be there when Esme wakes up. Lena had planned to cram in some last minute work and dinner prep this afternoon, before Alex, Kelly, Esme, Eliza and James arrive for Christmas Eve dinner. But Kara had other ideas, pinning Lena to the counter as soon as they got home and kissing her neck until she let Kara carry her to the bedroom. It didn’t take long, after that, to get Lena begging for the strap. Which had been Kara’s goal all along. Thinking back on the recent memory, Kara sighs happily and begins to take the food out of the fridge.

. . . 

When Lena wakes, she is pleasantly sore and more relaxed than she’s been in days. Which is really saying something, because these weeks she’s spent with Kara, cocooned in their new relationship, have been some of the most relaxed of her life. She stretches her limbs out wide and relishes in the subtle burn of her muscles and popping of her joints. The complete quiet of the apartment settles over her like a blanket, inviting her back into sleep. It’s tempting. But something is niggling at the back of her mind. Something had woken her up. Hadn’t it? She turns her head to the side. Where is Kara, anyway? 

She will be in the kitchen, Lena reminds herself, Or the living room. Probably getting ready for dinner.  

But it’s so quiet out there. Icy cold trickles down Lena’s spine. The absence of sound outside of her bedroom begins to feel like a presence; a large, silent body of water filling every nook and cranny. If Lena opens her bedroom door, the water will come crashing in on her and drown her. She feels as small and helpless as a child, afraid to stick her foot out over the edge of the bed, lest it be snatched by a monster. She feels as immense and enraged as a volcanic force of nature which, in a sense, she is. A sigh of irritation rushes past her lips.

“You’re being ridiculous,” Lena tells herself, as she fumbles with the covers and scrambles out of bed.

Kara is almost certainly working; probably sitting quietly on the couch with her laptop, checking emails or staring at a draft, lost in thought. Nevertheless, something feels off. And that “off” feeling continues growing as the seconds tick by, with Lena looking around for her robe and then, finding it, shoving her arms into the sleeves. Her antsy trepidation grows as she ties the sash and approaches her door. For some reason, she doesn’t want to open it. She puts her hand on the knob, swallows, and pulls the door open.

There is no tide of sea water crashing against her; filling her nose and mouth; pressing against her lungs. There is only her apartment. Tidy and clean. The late afternoon sun streaming through the tall windows and bathing the space in golden light, in the same way it always does. And Kara, hands braced against the kitchen counter; knuckles white; eyes wide and staring, straight ahead at… nothing. For a moment, tunnel visioned and grief stricken, Lena has the terrible sense that she is staring at Kara through a vast, impassable chasm of space and time. For just a moment her body seizes in panic. But the urgency pounding in her blood and temples doesn’t allow her to stay that way for long.

“Kara?” Lena murmurs, quickly crossing the room. 

There’s no response, not even a movement to indicate that she’s noticed Lena. And, as Lena draws closer, she notices the sheen of sweat at Kara’s hairline. And the glazed, slightly fogged, appearance of her eyes. Her neck muscles are tense and she doesn’t appear to be breathing.

“Kara!” Lena cries, rushing around the counter. 

She puts one arm around Kara and uses her other hand to Kara’s cheek, trying to turn her head. Something wet squishes through Lena’s toes and her gaze jerks down to take in the glass shards and shiny, red lumps scattered around their feet; a broken jar of cranberry sauce that Kara must have dropped. Maybe the sound of the jar shattering is what woke Lena. It’s a miracle she hasn’t cut her foot.

“ Kara, ” Lena says, shaking her. “Cm’mon, darling. Wake up.”

Wake up? she thinks. Is Kara sleeping?

Panic wells in Lena as Kara remains unresponsive. And unbreathing. Her mind races for solutions as she continues examining Kara’s tense, hunched form. A mental image flashes through Lena’s mind; of dark sticky ropes tangling around Kara and reaching outward in every direction. It’s just a flash, but it’s enough. Without thinking, Lena’s magic wells up within her. She grasps onto it like a weapon; wields it like a gleaming sword, and slices through the ropes as if they are no more than cobwebs. Kara gasps, sucking in a huge breath, and doubles over onto the counter. 

“Kara?” Lena asks, brushing her hair out of her face. “Are you ok?” 

Stupid, Lena thinks, watching Kara’s back heave with her efforts to catch her breath. Stupid question.

“Lena?” Kara asks, voice weak, face pale.

Her shuddering gasps fill the space.

“It’s ok,” Lena murmurs, pulling her into a tight hug, “It’s ok, I’m here.”

Kara buries her face in the crook of Lena’s neck. After a moment, her body jerks slightly in Lena’s arms with small, silent sobs. Lena’s heart squeezes and her arms pull Kara in more tightly. Not knowing what else to do, she shushes, clucks and sways Kara, stroking her hair as she tries to conceal her own fear and dismay. Kara pulls away too soon, like a storm sweeping out to sea. She wipes the tears from her face with rough, efficient fingers and sniffs away her runny nose.

“God,” she mumbles, voice scratchy, shaking her head as if to clear it, “Sorry. I- I don’t know what that was.” Glancing down at the red splatter on her feet and the sticky mess seeping across the floor she continues, unnecessarily, “I dropped the cranberry sauce.”

“Yeah,” Lena says softly, stroking some hair out of Kara’s face and searching for her eyes.

But Kara seems reluctant to look at her. She turns away and reaches for a dish cloth, then crouches to try and clean up the sticky, shattered mess. 

“Hey,” Lena continues, frustrated, “Kara, just… just leave it for a minute.”

But Kara keeps cleaning, insistently; gathering the largest shards of glass into the palm of one hand. Lena recognizes the stubborn set of her shoulders too well; and the manic, auto-pilot movements of her hands; the inward gaze. And she could push, but she doesn’t. She knows Kara too well for that. She just crouches down next to her and begins to gather up the larger chunks of cranberry into her hands. Wordlessly, they scoop the bulk of the mess into the trash can and then wipe up the remainder of the liquid with soapy dish cloths until there is no more visible evidence of the strange event. All the while Lena watches Kara out of the corner of her eye. The kitchen timer goes off with a jarring buzz that makes Kara jump a little. Like a machine, she pulls the cooking pork roast out of the oven to baste it and check the temperature. Not knowing what else to do, Lena begins to set the long, temporary table they had swapped hers with, for the occasion. It takes a while to get all the cloth napkins, full sets of flatware, and the water and wine glasses in their right places. A long time in which neither woman says a word. 

The odd, pressured feeling to the air that Lena had woken to has dissipated but she can’t stop thinking about the black cords she had somehow visualized and then cut. There had almost been a taste to the air, right before she did it. Or was it a scent? Something dank and cloying. Inwardly, Lena vows to speak with Florence as soon as possible. But in the meantime, she needs to get Kara to talk to her. She eyes her where she stands, head bent over a pile of herbs she is chopping. There’s something terribly vulnerable about her body language just now. Lena sighs. And makes her way back around the counter to grab a bag of dinner rolls and empty them into a basket. She gets closer to Kara than is strictly necessary; brushing against her and reaching around her; soaking in the faint, solid warmth of her. If possible, Kara tenses further. With her task done, Lena glances at her watch. She should go shower and get ready soon.

“Hey,” she murmurs, lightly circling Kara’s wrist with her fingers. 

Kara stops chopping. 

“Talk to me?” Lena pleads, soft as she can.

Finally, Kara’s brilliant blue eyes slide reluctantly up to meet Lena’s. Something in Lena’s chest unclenches at the sight. Lena sees the clouds behind her eyes part and then Kara nods, reluctantly.

“Cm’mon,” Lena whispers, and tugs her to the sofa.

Kara sinks back onto the couch like she’s giving in. She runs her hands down her face and groans in frustration, then leans forward again, bracing her arms on her knees.

“Yeah,” she says, “Yeah. We should talk.”

Lena sinks to the space beside her, cautiously.

“What happened?” she asks.

Kara sighs helplessly and shakes her head. Her blue eyes seem to plead with Lena’s. She fiddles her fingers together.

“I honestly don’t know,” she says, nibbling her lip, “I was… cooking. And… I dropped the jar. I couldn’t breathe. It felt like something was squeezing my lungs and…” she brings a hand to grip her neck, “My throat.” 

Lena feels her own eyebrows draw together. Her skin prickles.

“It sounds like a panic attack,” Lena murmurs.

Kara shrugs, swallows roughly, and continues, “I couldn’t move. I was… It’s like I was somewhere else.”

She’s trembling now; gaze distant.

“Where?” Lena whispers, squeezing her hand. 

“Back in my pod?” Kara whispers back, voice unsure.

Her pod. The one that trapped Kara in a waking nightmare when she was just a child. A nightmare outside the reach of help or even time. For decades. Lena blinks back tears. She’s never understood how Kara ever recovered, mentally. Kara hangs her head.

“I dunno,” she mumbles, sniffling, “Maybe it was the Phantom Zone. Everything was murky and confusing. It’s like the dreams… it’s more about the feeling of… fear than what actually happens.”

This catches Lena’s attention.

“You’ve been having dreams?” she asks, thinking of Kara’s recent nightmare. “As in… multiple dreams? Like the other night?”

Kara looks away. Nods. 

Her voice is small when she says, “I mean… I’ve always had nightmares. It’s not that unusual. But… lately they’ve been intense. Usually it doesn’t wake you up.” Kara looks up then, “Sometimes they don’t even wake me up.”

Lena waits for Kara to go on, but she doesn’t. So, she swallows and says, “We never talked about that night. I was really scared. I couldn’t wake you. I… tried. I had to turn on the light.”

It’s a guilty admission, uttered with fear of losing Kara’s trust. But Kara doesn’t even seem to register the admission. Just nods her head. Then shakes it, regretfully.

“I’m so sorry I scared you Lena. I know sometimes I lash out in my sleep, and I could have hurt you-”

“No- Kara,” Lena interrupts, “That’s not what I’m saying. I want to be there for you and if you’re having nightmares, I want to know, but- I had to use my magic to turn the light on. I didn’t even know I could, actually… until I had to. Turning it off is one thing but I designed it so that it would be safe for you.”

Kara stares at her blankly.

“I broke my promise,” Lena rasps, feeling broken. “I told you that you were the only one who could turn it on.”

Realization dawns on Kara’s face.

“Oh,” she sighs, shoulders relaxing, “Don’t- You have to let that go, with the light. And using your magic…” Kara places a warm hand on her knee, her gaze beseeching, “I trust you completely Lena. I’m not worried about that. And,” here she tilts her head, quizzically, “I knew you had used magic.”

“You did?” 

“Yeah, I told you. Your eyes were glowing.”

“Oh.” Lena says, surprised. “I thought that was part of your nightmare.”

Kara shakes her head. Then she turns, slumps back into the couch and begins to nibble her thumb nail.

“I’m glad you did use magic. What I’m worried about most is losing control… of accidentally hurting you, or someone else. When I’m dreaming or…” here she gestures emphatically at the kitchen, “whatever that was, I’m not in control.” 

She pinches the bridge of her nose. Lena mulls it all over, with growing concern. She didn’t know Kara had been having repeated nightmares. Something about all this feels so off. Overwhelmed, she files away the glowing eyes bit to consider at another time.

“Maybe you should talk to Alex,” she suggests, softly. “Or Kelly.”

Kara stiffens, ever so slightly.

“I- maybe,” she says, rising to her feet abruptly, “I don’t want to worry her over… nightmares… you know?”

She puts her hand on her hips, as if trying to appear braver. Lena reaches out and gently takes one of those hands in both of hers, squeezing it a little. She chooses her words carefully.

“I think they’re more than nightmares,” she murmurs, looking up into Kara’s worry-clouded eyes. “Just… think about it?”

Kara bites her lip. Nods. And looks away.

Their family doesn’t arrive so much as descend upon them, all at once, with gifts, smiles, chatter, and covered dishes containing fragrant pie, perfectly sautéed green beans and buttery cornbread. James hands Lena a rectangular, glass casserole dish while Kara hugs Eliza and Esme races off to “her room,” (to jump on the big bouncy bed probably,) with Alex hot on her heels to stop her.

“Are those… marshmallows?” Lena asks, peering through the Saran Wrap at a fluffy, toasted cloud layered over something orange.

James chuckles, “It’s Sweet Potato Casserole, an Olsen family favorite.”

“And James’ specialty,” Kelly adds, with a proud smile, approaching to wrap Lena in a sideways hug. “He won a contest at our church with it when he was 15.”

James’ cheeks redden with embarrassment and he grins at his sister.

“Ok, ok, she didn’t need to know all that,” he says, following Lena into the kitchen while Kelly goes to greet Kara. 

“Is it… dessert?” Lena asks James, heading into the kitchen.

“It’s a side dish actually,” he responds, amused. “Don’t let the marshmallows deceive you. Or the half cup of sugar.”

Lena raises an eyebrow.

“Sounds nutritious!” she jokes, setting the warm dish on the counter. Then her teasing lilt relaxes into something more sincere. “Thank you James. For this and for… coming.”

It’s a bit weird, she thinks, looking up at his towering, familiar form. The last time they saw each other was at Alex and Kelly’s wedding. The last time he was in this apartment was when they were dating. And they did not end on good terms. Lena hadn’t been sure how tonight would go, when she found out James would be in town and asked Kelly to extend the invitation.  Having her ex and her girlfriend in her home at the same time is bizarre. Especially seeing as Kara and James had dated also… sort of.

“Thanks for having me,” he says, his deep voice warm and resonant. “I appreciate being included and… I don’t want it to be weird.”

“Neither do I,” Lena says, feeling her heart warm, and glancing across the room at where Kara is opening a bottle of wine while talking to Eliza.

All the anxiety and distress from earlier seem to have evaporated into the ether. Sometimes Lena thinks she loves Kara most when she gets to watch her interact with other people, from a distance; her big smiles and the cute mannerisms that conceal the strength and resilience underneath; her cute little outfits concealing her Supersuit… and under that is a whole world only Lena gets to see…

“I’m happy for you guys,” James says, cutting through her thoughts. 

Lena’s gaze jerks back to his. She had assumed he must know, from Kelly. But she hadn’t stopped to consider that he might want to talk about it. Maybe inviting him wasn’t such a good idea.

“You and Kara,” he says, dark eyes twinkling, “I’ll admit, I was surprised when I heard.”

Lena’s face freezes and a twinge of anxiety creeps up her spine. She braces for a veiled insult or a serving of judgment disguised as a compliment. But James’ eyes soften.

“But it makes sense. You’re both amazing people, who deserve the best. From what I hear, you’re good together.”

Lena’s eyes gloss over with a thin sheen of unshed tears. She gazes at Kara again, who is pouring perfectly equal amounts of wine into each glass. 

“Sometimes I can’t believe how lucky I am,” she murmurs.

Kara glances up to see them watching her and smiles, a little nervously, her eyes dancing between them. Lena smiles back reassuringly and Kara returns to her task.

“I don’t think it’s luck,” James says softly, beside her. “You deserve each other.”

It could be an insult. You deserve each other. But it’s not. One look at James’ face is evidence enough of his sincerity. He’s forgiven her. He thinks she deserves Kara. That, especially, is a generosity Lena didn’t expect. She swallows the sudden lump in her throat.

Then Kara is walking toward them, a little more quickly than is strictly necessary, with three wine glasses balanced in her two, super-human hands. She shoots a questioning glance at Lena (Are you ok?) and passes them their wine. And Lena’s heart is filled to bursting with her love for this woman. This golden, complicated, caring woman. So she winds an arm around Kara’s waist with a reassuring smile.

“Thank you darling,” she murmurs, and watches Kara’s cheeks pinken.

Lena can feel James observing them but she doesn’t look away. She only has eyes for Kara, after all. 

“To love,” James says, voice deep and kind.

They turn, in unison, to see his raised glass and warm smile.

“And family,” he adds, holding it out.

It’s a lovely moment. Not cheesy or forced like it could be. It’s bygones and growth and reconciliation.

“To love and family,” Lena and Kara say, almost in unison, and clink their glasses together with his.

“Are you toasting without me!?” Eliza calls, laughing and coming to join them.

“No, no!” they laugh back, “We would never!” “Cm’mon, we’ll do it again.”

Eliza wraps an arm around Lena, and they toast to “love and family” one more time, before Esme comes barreling back into the room with her parents and they all begin to serve up.

Later, full and happy, Lena looks around and notices that Kara isn’t there. She scans the room and her gaze lands on a shadowy figure, out on the balcony, gazing at the stars. Quietly, Lena wraps a throw blanket around herself and makes her way out onto the balcony.

“There you are,” she says, leaning against the banister, next to Kara. 

“Hey,” Kara says, with a wide smile.

It never ceases to strike Lena momentarily speechless, how Kara can beam at her like that; like she is a gift on Christmas morning, even when they’ve only been apart for mere minutes. Kara threads an arm around Lena, pulling her tight against her side, to share her warmth. Their breath is fogging the air slightly.

“Taking a break?” Lena asks, once they’re settled.

“Mmm,” Kara confirms, returning her eyes to the stars, “And thinking how lucky I am. It’s cheesy, but… I used to make wishes on stars.”

“I don’t think that’s cheesy,” Lena says, studying Kara’s graceful profile, the little hairs around her face floating on the surface of the winter breeze.

“Tonight I can’t think of one thing to wish for,” she says.

Lena can’t help smiling to herself at this evidence that Kara is happy. That she, Lena, has made Kara happy. 

She makes Kara happy. 

It’s miraculous.

Kara turns to her again, her eyes deep indigo and smoldering. Lena’s blood begins to pump a little more forcefully.

“Well…” Kara says, placing a sweet, light kiss on Lena’s cheekbone, “There is one thing I wish for.”

As usual, Lena’s skin prickles with delicious longing. She raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah?” she murmurs, allowing her gaze to drop to Kara’s lips.

“Yeah,” Kara breathes, against her lips.

Their kiss is soft and familiar. An unrushed promise of something that will come later. After a few moments Lena pulls back to rest her head on Kara’s shoulder, and they return their gazes to the stars.

….

After the dessert plates have been cleared and the after-dinner coffee drunk, and the plates carried to the sink, and Eliza shooed away from the kitchen cleanup she was trying to embark on, Alex bundles a sleepy Esme into her coat and everyone says their goodbyes with promises to see each other soon.

“I have a feeling we’ll be doing holidays like this for a long time,” James says with a grin, after hugging Lena goodbye.

Lena tips her head.

“I hope so,” she says, sincerely.

It strikes Lena that, just as she and Kara had gotten their relationship wrong at first, maybe she and James had gotten it wrong too. Maybe it wasn’t that they didn’t belong together, maybe it was that they were supposed to be family, not lovers. His peaceful expression makes her wonder if he has considered the same thing.

“I’m glad we’re ok,” he says.

“Me too.”

Esme appears, wedging her way between them and clinging to Lena’s waist. 

“Will you come over in the morning, for Christmas?” she pleads, for the third time this evening.

Most children Esme’s age have a hard time transitioning and saying goodbye. But Esme is especially sensitive about having to leave her family members, due to all the traumatic experiences she’s had in her young life. It’s as if she’s always waiting to be abandoned again. Lena understands the feeling far more than she would like to.

“Yes,” She responds, stroking the side of Esme’s baby face and smiling reassuringly. “I promise that Aunt Kara and I will be there, bright and early.”

Esme squeezes her tighter for a moment and then lets go, whirling on James with an anxious stare. 

“I’ll be there too!” he promises, again, with patient cheer, “I’m sleeping over, remember?”

Esme’s little shoulders seem to relax and she wraps her small, pale fist around two of James’ long brown fingers, tugging him toward the door with surprising force. He turns once to grin at Lena.

“Happiness looks good on you,” he says, with a wink.

It settles inside Lena’s rib cage like a warm coal.

And then everyone is bustling out the door in a noisy, sleepy jumble, and she and Kara are waving goodbye from the hall, at Esme’s request, until the elevator doors close completely. 

When it’s finally quiet again they walk hand in hand back into the apartment.

Later, right before they fall asleep, naked and tangled up in each other, Lena whispers, “I’m happy,” into the dark.

There’s a beat and then she adds, “I’m so happy, Kara, with you.”

Kara pulls back, with huge eyes that glint blue from the faint, ambient light. Her soft fingers caress Lena’s face like it’s made of glass and she whispers the most powerful, meaningful thing she can say right now.

“You deserve to be happy.”

Chapter Text

Kara gathers her hair into a loose ponytail and then swoops it into a bun. She’s staring absently at the bathroom mirror as she goes through her morning routine on autopilot, barely registering her actions. Snippets of her dream from the previous night slip through her mind as she begins to secure the thick bun with pins. One pops loose just as she’s securing the next one and she sighs in frustration. Squinting against the dry, scratchy feeling in her eyes Kara grips the pin and tries again. Generally, she doesn’t need as much sleep as humans do, to feel rested. But she still needs some sleep. And, as a huge yawn crawls up her throat, she’s forced to admit that she’s been slipping behind on sleep for a while now. The first (and totally worthwhile culprit) is Lena. Because, cm’mon. She’s not gonna just lay next to Lena in bed and sleep when there is mind-blowing sex to be had. But… if she’s really honest with herself… the dreams have been getting worse lately. Or more frequent, anyway. She tries not to burden Lena with it. Still, sometimes Kara wakes in a cold sweat to find Lena curled around her back with arms wrapped tightly around Kara’s chest. During those times Lena shushes her softly and kisses her neck and shoulders until her heart rate slows and she is soothed back into sleep. Mercifully, Lena usually doesn’t mention it the next day. Nevertheless, Kara can feel her worried, watchful eyes tracking her more and more lately.

Unbidden, images from her dreams whisper across the surface of her mind. Black chords, tying her down. The empty vacuum of space. Stars wheeling as she falls and falls. And always there is the fear; the cold, crushing, primal fear. When she allows herself to think about it, it occurs to her that not even certain death would scare her this much. And it’s not just the dreams. What she hasn’t told anyone; has only barely acknowledged to herself, is that she’s been having trouble with her powers. First there was the weird thing that happened at Lena’s, where she couldn’t move or breathe; a waking dream, really. Not a big deal, she’d convinced herself. Just a weird one-off. But then there was the time she tried to warm up her hot chocolate with heat vision and could barely summon more than a warm glow at the back of her eye sockets. Or when she almost dropped a car on someone; a criminal who had hidden underneath it until she heafted it over her head. Her ability to speed read has been sluggish lately too. Kara had never realized before how much she depended on it to do her job well.

There’s also the issue of the public knowing about her relationship with Lena now. They had been hanging out at Alex and Kelly’s on Christmas night, eating leftovers, when they found out they had been outed. Lena got a call from Amir, who had apparently set up an internet name alert for Lena, to notify him when anyone posted or published anything about her. A trashy gossip website had just posted photos of Kara and Lena together. Of course everyone in the room had crowded around Alex’s laptop and poured over the photos posted under the flashy headline “A Super and Luthor?! Supergirl Outed as Lena Luthor Adds Another “L” to her Identity.” As a journalist it was cringe-inducing. As the person who had just been publicly outed it was… a swirl of emotions Kara is still unpacking. Mostly she felt violated. And fiercely protective of Lena. She had almost jetted off to track down both the photographer and the tabloid to… well, she didn’t know what exactly, but something, but Lena had stopped her at the window.

“It’ll be ok,” she had said, calmly. “We knew this would happen eventually. It’ll be ok.” 

Then she squeezed Kara’s arm, smiled a reassuring smile, and murmured, “We’ve got this.”

Kara had taken a deep breath and nodded. She’s pretty sure Lena could convince her of anything.

Kara remembers the moment that had been captured by the photos well. She and Lena had just gotten out of Lena’s car, in front of Kara’s apartment, after a wonderful evening of dinner at Lena’s favorite restaurant and then dancing at a nearby club. In the photo Lena’s car is still idling at the curb, her driver waiting for an opening to merge back into traffic. Lena had looked magical and carefree under the city lights, with her ponytail snapping in the breeze. So Kara had wrapped her arms around Lena and kissed her. Lena had smiled into the kiss, cupped Kara’s face, and kissed her back. Then they had gone inside, each with an arm around the other’s waist, none the wiser. The photographer had captured them perfectly and even she could admit they looked undeniably enamoured and wrapped up in each other in a way that was clearly romantic and, frankly, somewhat sexual.

Despite Lena’s reassuring words, it hadn’t taken her long to go into damage control mode; Pacing back and forth, with her phone on speaker mode, in Alex and Kelly’s guest room while ripping her PR team a new one for not catching the news before her assistant. It had been too late to buy the photos back or get out ahead of the story as other news outlets began to catch on. Before long it was on the morning news. There had been discussions and embarrassing meetings about whether to make a statement or respond to the interview requests that had begun to pour in. Ultimately they decided that making their new relationship so official would put more pressure on it than they were willing to endure at the moment. So they had elected to go the “no comment” route; neither confirming nor denying. Of course this had made things awkward at CatCo, where her editorial board insisted that if they neglected to at least mention the “alleged” relationship, they would look biased and Kara would look like she was trying to hide it. She growled her frustration at not having any real control over the situation and conceded to a small paragraph on the entertainment page with the caveat that the word “allegedly” must be used a minimum of two times. 

Of course this had only led to the paparazzi and public becoming more frenzied for details and confirmation. In the week since the photos were posted people have begun turning up at Kara and Lena’s apartments, Luthor Corp, Catco, even the DEO for all types of reasons; to ask them for personal details that make Kara’s cheeks burn, to thank them for being “Queer Icons,” to condemn them for their “sinfulness,” to beg Supergirl for help with personal emergencies, to protest their human-alien pairing. It isn’t really that big a deal. Both Kara and Lena are no strangers to criticism and controversy. They can smile politely and ignore the questions, say they don’t take personal requests and refer people to their PR teams. But Lena seems worried, specifically about her, which Kara hates. She doesn’t know how to help Lena see that she’s fine. She can totally handle this all with a little pivoting. There’s no need for her to move or change anything. She knew revealing her identity would come with more scrutiny and, oh, look, it has. She knew that their relationship would come out eventually, and it has, so there’s no use getting all bent out of shape about it.

Still… it is all starting to feel… a little intense.

Just as Kara is finally (successfully) securing the final hair pin into her bun her scratchy button-down shirt rides up and comes untucked from her cheap, chino pants. She curses under her breath. This is why she doesn’t wear these things anymore. Really, she is overdue for getting rid of a veritable mountain of old clothes from years back. Old things that she doesn’t wear anymore, now that she makes enough money to buy shirts that stay tucked in and pants that don’t wrinkle the first time she sits down. But Kara’s always been sentimental. It’s hard for her to get rid of things. And, hey, look! It really saved her butt this time.

“Hey,” a sleepy voice behind her says, just as she’s fastening her watch.

Lena, rumpled and gorgeous with eyes scrunched against the bright bathroom light, ambles around Kara with a quick kiss to the back of her neck. She’s wearing her set of the matching Christmas pajamas Kara had gotten them to wear to Alex and Kelly’s on Christmas day. When Kara had presented the pajamas to her, grinning widely, Lena had rolled her eyes at the brightly colored flannel but, ultimately, gone along with wearing the offending garments saying she would burn them the day after Christmas. However, in the unusually frigid week since Christmas, Lena has taken to wearing them almost every night. So far Kara has resisted the temptation to tease her about it. 

“Hey!” Kara responds, with quiet delight, smiling at Lena’s reflection. 

Seeing Lena first thing in the morning, whether in the bathroom or in her bed, is quickly becoming one of her favorite things. Lena reaches into the shower to start the water and Kara leans down to plant a kiss on the top of her head before heading to the kitchen. Lena, as it turns out, is not chatty first thing in the morning. She needs a little physical space and quiet for a bit before she’s woken up enough to carry on a conversation. 

Making her way into the kitchen, Kara begins putting together some breakfast for them. She mentally reviews her itinerary for the day as she takes out the carton of eggs, some shredded cheese and a bag of bread. Absently, she pops some bread into the toaster. It’s gonna be a full day. She’s got a busy morning and then promised Alex she’d stop by the DEO this afternoon to be briefed on the team’s efforts to find the source of the increasing energy disturbances and strange supernatural occurrences that have been plaguing the city. And she should probably pop by Lena’s penthouse at some point to grab her red suit for the interview she’s conducting tomorrow morning. At least she thinks she can probably get one more wear out of the suit before she drops it off at the dry cleaner. Maybe after her meeting at the DEO…

She cracks the eggs into the pan and mixes them up with the spatula before sprinkling in some salt and pepper and then layering on a thin sprinkling of cheese. Speaking of drycleaning, there is a big pile of it at Lena’s that Kara needs to drop off, like, yesterday. Along with laundry she needs to do. She should probably cave to Lena’s offer to just have the building’s laundry service handle it all for her. But she’s resisted, this far, on principle. Because, hey, she’s not so big for her britches that she can’t do her own darn laundry! She sighs and flips the egg cheese mixture over to let the cheese side brown a bit. 

“And this is why you’re wearing clothes from 5 years ago and a shirt that won’t stay tucked in,” she mutters to herself.

“Hmm?” a distracted voice says from the entrance to her bedroom. 

All Kara’s worries and irritations wash out of her like water down a drain.

She turns to find Lena, barefoot, freshly showered and wrapped in Kara’s fuzzy bathrobe. Patting her hair dry with a towel, Lena pads a little further into the room. Adorable doesn’t even begin to describe her. Kara’s heart soars, leaving her muddled, worried thoughts far behind. 

“What?” she says, with a smile.

“Oh, I thought you said something,” Lena murmurs. “That smells good. Did you turn on the coffee?”

“Oh!” Kara replies, sliding the eggs onto a plate and reaching to press the Start button on the coffee machine.

Lena smiles softly, eyes crinkling at the edges. Her gaze seems to be finally, fully taking Kara in and Kara watches her cheeks flush slightly. Or maybe it’s just the residual heat from the shower.

“Let me get changed and I’ll come eat you,” Lena rasps.

Kara’s heart skips a beat as Lena’s eyes widen in belated realization of what she’s just said. A snort erupts from Kara as she gleefully processes Lena’s Freudian slip. Lena sighs and closes her eyes in embarrassment.

“Eat with you,” she amends. “I meant ‘eat with you.’”

“Sure ya did!” Kara calls after Lena’s retreating form.

Lena flicks her off without looking back and turns the corner into the bathroom. Kara continues snickering to herself as she cheerfully finishes setting up breakfast. 

They eat quickly and drink some coffee from travel mugs before Lena runs off to finish her hair and makeup and Kara cleans up (mostly) and begins to pack her bag.

“Almost ready?” she hollers over her shoulder, turning to go search for her computer charger. 

She almost collides with Lena, who is unexpectedly right behind her. Lena lets out an inelegant noise and takes a couple steps back, the earring she was just putting in still held in loose fingers. Lena, who is suddenly distracted, fumbling and dragging her eyes from the space Kara’s ass was just inhabiting and all the way up her body toward her face. 

“Oh,” Lena mumbles, eyes lost somewhere around Kara’s neckline, “Sorry. I- What did you say?”

Kara squints at her. Warm amusement bubbles in her chest. 

“Were you… checking me out?” she asks.

Lena’s pale eyes widen into a guilty stare. For a moment she doesn’t move. Then she slumps, cheeks going pink.

“Yeah,” she mumbles, averting her eyes, “Yeah, I definitely was.”

Kara snickers, bemused, and takes a glance down the length of her body. 

“But I’m just wearing, like… old, boring office clothes,” she muses. “From, like, six years ago.”

“Mmhm,” Lena all but squeaks, staring at the couch, the window, the floor; face flaming.

“Oh my god, what!?” Kara chuckles.

Finally, realizing she’s not getting out of this, Lena forces her eyes back to Kara. She sighs, sheepishly.

“I really loved your old clothes,” she admits, swallowing thickly.

Kara regards her, confused. What is happening? Lena crosses her arms and presses her lips together momentarily. Then uncrosses her arms again.

“Your… Your assistant/cub reporter clothes,” she clarifies, gesturing with her hands a little more than is strictly necessary. “I guess I forgot how much they… really… did it for me.”

She swallows again and Kara suddenly realizes she’s smiling so big that her cheeks are beginning to ache. They stare at each other.

“Don’t get me wrong!” Lena rushes to clarify, “I love the way you dress now. A lot . But these,” she gestures at Kara’s clothes, “just remind me of … a couple… guilty… fantasies I had back then.”

Lena’s brow creases with worry and her shoulders have grown quite tense. It’s so unusual for Lena to be reduced to a stammering, awkward mess like this that Kara is momentarily speechless. This is amazing news.

“You fantasized about me when we first met?” Kara asks, eagerly. 

She’s so delighted that she might actually squeal. Even Lena’s ears are red as she slumps and lets her arms flop out beside her body, in defeat.

“Not a lot!” She says, defensively, mostly looking everywhere but at Kara, “Not… on purpose. Just… you know…. I’d have a dream occasionally or… I’m only human, Kara!.. you’d be wearing a little school girl skirt or, like… a little cardigan… and I’d just wanna…”

She seems to lose her train of thought the more she describes Kara’s old clothes and it’s truly wonderful to watch.

“What?” Kara needles, voice filled with amusement.

Lena pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs. 

“Kara.” 

Kara saunters up to her, grinning from ear to ear.

“Awww, you had a crush on me when we first met.”

Lena rolls her eyes but can’t seem to resist smiling back. Kara cups her hands around Lena’s hips and sways their bodies back and forth playfully. Lena smells clean and wonderful and feels so soft in her arms that Kara briefly contemplates carrying her back to bed. But they really don’t have time. So she settles for more teasing. 

“You wanted to defile me, when we first met!” she coos.

Lena groans but doesn’t pull away. 

“You make me sound like some sleazy predator…” she gripes, “Using my power to corrupt a younger woman.”

Kara gazes at her, perplexed. 

“Ok well… first, I’m not younger,” she counters. “I’m technically older. Second, I’ve never seen you that way.” She dips her head to catch Lena’s eyes. “Number 3… that’s kind of hot.”

Lena’s blush deepens further, something Kara wouldn’t have thought possible, and she gives up on trying to avoid Kara’s eyes. Kara could swear Lena’s pupils are a little dilated. She files it away for future reference and glances at the microwave clock. Yikes, time to go.

“Ok, WOW,” she says, releasing Lena, and reaching for her bag, “This is big news.”

“It’s not big news,” Lena mutters, grabbing her things and heading for the coat rack.

Kara follows, feeling buoyant and happy.

“Lena Luthor has a kink for defiling innocent, inexperienced reporters,” she gloats, grabbing her own coat and putting it on.

“Kara!” 

Lena glares at her. But Kara can tell there’s no real heat behind it.

“Well…” she says, thoughtfully, opening the door, “We can work with this.”

Green eyes narrow at her.

“Work with what?” 

“Nothing…” she says, grinning what she knows is a wicked grin. “Cm’mon, we’re gonna be late.”

They hold hands and jog down the stairs, happy and hurried.

Kara hears the small crowd of people waiting out front before she sees them and groans.

“What?” Lena wonders, as Kara pulls her to a stop before they exit the stairwell.

“Paparazzi,” Kara mutters, steering them toward a back door.

She smiles apologetically and helps Lena down the rickety stairs into a dirty alley lined with trash cans. Lena tries to conceal her disgust as a rat skitters along the opposite wall.

“It’s probably best if I…” Kara holds out her arms and inclines her head toward the sky. 

Lena sighs. 

“But my hair,” she whines, halfheartedly and wraps her arms around Kara’s neck, bag looped around her forearm. 

“Sorry,” Kara replies, with a wince, and shoots into the sky.

Lena makes a small sound of dismay but can’t resist throwing her head back and laughing when Kara suddenly buries her face in Lena’s neck and blows a loud raspberry against the soft spot under her jaw. Lena squeals and swats at her but doesn’t stop laughing. Satisfied that the problem has been averted and all made well again, Kara kisses a still blushing Lena goodbye, on the L-Corp balcony and flies off to work.

—--

In spite of her jubilant morning with Lena, by the time afternoon rolls around Kara’s worry and accumulated sleep loss have more than caught up with her. She all but stumbles into the DEO, still in her old chinos and rumpled button-down, firing off emails on her phone while also trying to finish a sandwich. And the super hearing she usually relies on when she can’t watch where she’s going almost fails her as an agent practically dives out of her way to avoid a collision. Her sandwich ends up on the floor. After a quick cleanup and a futile attempt at speed-reviewing-while-walking the latest feature article by one of her journalists before it goes to print (futile because every time she finishes the first sentence the words all turn to mush on the screen and she has to start over.) She slams to a halt just inside the conference room door. Not only is everyone already here, there are a lot more people than she expected. Sitting around the table or in chairs along the walls are not only DEO agents, but people she recognizes from the DOD, the President’s office and a handful of local government officials. And all eyes are trained on her.

“Supergirl!” Alex says, in a voice that is both relieved and admonishing.

It brings the few quiet conversations in the room to a grinding halt.

Approaching Kara, Alex murmurs, “I guess you didn’t get my messages!” through a clenched smile.

Kara takes a deep breath and grasps inwardly for some sense of focus and professionalism. It’s harder than it should be. A murky, sticky fog presses in on her from the edges of her mind. And in the silent container of this room she has the sudden awareness that this has been creeping up on her for a while now. This fogginess. Like cobwebs are creeping subtly across the landscape of her brain. She glances around the room, trying to get her bearings. Her jumpy eyes land on Lena. Kara feels her chest unclench at the steady focus in Lena’s pale eyes. Lena . Her personal island of calm in the chaos. Lena nods subtly. You’ve got this. Krara gulps in a breath.

“Hell-o-Oh,” she hiccups to the room, drawing herself up into a more Super posture.

Alex subtly guides her to an empty seat.

“Now that we’re all here,” she announces, striding to an interactive whiteboard at the head of the table that displays maps and graphs. “As you all know, the phantom sightings are still happening. Our team here at the DEO,” and here Alex gestures at Kara in a subtle attempt to cover for her clearly being out of the loop, “...has been working tirelessly to figure out how to stop them.” Then Alex gestures at a uniformed general Kara recognizes as well as the Lieutenant Governor of their state, in turn. “And our colleagues at the Department of Defense, the governor’s office and the President have also become concerned with these disturbances-”

“I think they qualify as more than disturbances,” the burly general interrupts.

“I’m sorry,” Kara says, trying to keep her voice conciliatory, “I understand your concern General, Lieutenant Governor. But I think we are more than capable of handling this on a local level.”

“Like you handled Lex Luthor and that Imp tearing the city apart?” the general challenged, a vein becoming visible at his grizzled temple.

The President’s Chief of Staff, a disarmingly petite woman with sharp eyes chimes in calmly, “We aren’t trying to step on your toes here Supergirl, Director Danvers. But given the seriousness of the threat and its potential to spiral out of hand we’re just here to offer our support.”

Inwardly Kara snorted. More like they are here to let the DEO know they’re being watched and not to screw this up. It is an election year, after all. The President won’t want it to look like one of her major cities is in chaos, under her watch. Ugh, Kara wishes they could have figured this out by now. The general takes a deep breath and clenches his jaw subtly. Kara can hear his teeth grind. He’s always been salty that the Department of Extranormal Operations doesn’t fall under the military’s purview. Which certainly says a lot about his view of extraterrestrials in general and Supergirl in particular.

“We certainly appreciate your concern,” Alex responds, with polite professionalism. “And your offer of help. Why don’t I bring us all up to speed.” Her eyes flit discreetly to Kara and away.

As Kara already knew, the phantom sightings are still happening. But the phantoms are acting differently than they ever have before. Not as aggressive to people. They seem more mischievous than malicious. Not really attempting to hurt people unless provoked. Like whack-a-moles they seem to appear and disappear before reappearing somewhere else faster than the DEO agents or the Superfriends can respond to the frightened calls of National City residents. But unbeknownst to Kara, one of them was captured just this morning in a process that (reading between the lines of Alex’s official words on the matter) seems to have been more dumb luck than actual expertise. Without warning, Alex opens a window on the smartboard and a live feed of a containment cell appears. It’s one of the special cells that prevents interdimensional teleportation. Kara squints at the grainy figure from the live feed. There’s something odd about it. She had become accustomed to these creatures as sinister forces of terror and cruelty. Rising to her feet Kara crosses to the feed to get a better look. The creature seems to wobble around its cell in a way that seems more like skipping or careless dancing. And as she watches, it sways toward the camera with a silly expression and, placing its gnarled, long-nailed hands over its eyes, performs a perfect imitation of the childish game peek-a-boo, mouth contorting into a smile. Alex taps the smartboard and an eerie, unhinged laugh bursts from the speaker. On the screen the phantom throws back its head with a glee.

“What the fuck?” someone in the room mutters.

Alex taps the screen again, turning the sound off.

There’s something about the creature’s clothes too. Rather than the tactical, militaristic suits phantoms usually wear, this one is almost clown-like; all balloon-pants, froofy collar and long pointed shoes that curve at the end. It’s ridiculous, frankly.  There are, of course, stark differences between this thing and a clown; the black and grey palette for one. And the way the fabric seems to vaguely reference flimsy, sticky spider webs. Something in the back of Kara’s mind prickles. She glances at Lena, whose gaze has turned inward.

“There’s one more thing,” Alex says.

All eyes turn toward her and she gestures to Brainy, who rises to address the room.

“Preliminary tests have discovered what we believe to be 5th dimensional energy on or around this phantom.”

Dread trickles down Kara’s spine.

“So it came from the 5th dimension?” She asks. “Not the phantom zone.”

“Are you saying the 5th dimension is involved?” the general rumbles, growing more agitated.

“The truth,” Brainy replies, “Is that we just don’t know yet. We can’t exactly interview this phantom and we’re still developing the equipment and formulas to study 5th dimensional energy. With Lena’s help, I hope to be able to isolate the energy signal further within a few days.”

At this, Lena nods. “Of course,” she murmurs. “I’d be happy to help.”

“Ok,” Kara says, “Well, in the meantime, just call me when they pop up and I’ll help corral them.” 

“You can’t be in multiple places at once Kara,” J’onn says patiently. 

Kara grits her teeth together. She hates feeling out of control like this. What is she missing? 

“I’ll draw up a new rotation schedule for the agents and supers,” Alex announces, with a decisive tilt of her chin. “J’onn, Mon-El and I will come up with a new tactical plan for deploying on short notice. But DEO personnel,” at this she glances around at the Superfriends, “should be prepared to be on call more than usual.”

The general clears his throat, causing Alex to add, “with the assistance of the DOD of course.”

The meeting adjourns a few minutes later and the group breaks into smaller groups and informal conversation.

Kara makes her way to the board with a sigh and stares at the giddy phantom bopping around its cell. She nibbles her lip in frustration, a habit she’s never quite been able to break.

“We’ll figure it out,” Lena says, appearing at her elbow. 

She longs to reach out and take her hand. Or bury her face in Lena’s neck. But just her presence is reassuring. Clarifying. Kara smiles at her, feeling hopefulness bleed through her for the first time in what feels like hours. Lena’s eyes soften. Kara catches Alex’s eye across the room, where she is having a stilted conversation with the DOD people. She excuses herself and makes her way over.

“Where have you been?!” Alex scream-whispers. “I’ve been trying to reach you for hours.”

Confused, Kara takes her phone out of her pocket and begins to scroll through her notifications. Sure enough there are dozens of texts, missed calls and voicemails from Alex, Lena, Nia… along with other messages from Catco that she doesn’t remember seeing. She does have a vague memory of putting her phone in Do Not Disturb mode, just so she could concentrate. But half of these still should have made it through due to who they were from.

“I was busy,” Kara murmurs, continuing to scroll through the missed calls. How had she missed these? “You told me to stop by this afternoon. I didn’t know it was a big meeting,” she defends just as she sees Alex’s message from 3 hours ago.

SOS. Meeting with DOD and Gov ppl at 2PM!!

“Kara I couldn’t even reach you on your comms!” Alex says, arms tightly crossed.

Kara does remember feeling terribly annoyed with her com. She feels for it. It’s not in her ear. She makes a mental note to search for it later. Beside her Lena is watching Kara carefully. 

“I’m sorry, Alex,” Kara responds softly. “I’ve been busy and I don’t know what happened. But I’m here now. How can I help?”

Just then Brainy flags Lena down and she leaves with a reassuring squeeze to Kara’s bicep. Kara feels her loss immediately. She turns back to Alex’s eyes scrutinizing her. Alex’s gaze softens and she pulls Kara gently out into the hall.

“Are you ok?” she asks, once they are out of potential earshot of everyone else. “You don’t seem like yourself. Are you sleeping ok?”

“I’m fine,” Kara reassures her, ignoring the question about sleep. “I’m sorry I dropped the ball today. I think I’ve just been distracted with Catco and…”

She’s not sure how to finish that sentence.

“Look,” Alex says, face softening, “I know how it is when you’re in a new relationship. Your hormones are raging and all you can think about is this amazing person. It literally changes how your brain works! And, believe me, I’m so happy to see you and Lena together. You both deserve to be just as happy as you are. More than anyone else I know.”

Kara feels her cheeks warm with embarrassment and happiness.

“Just… try to be more attentive to DEO stuff?”

Kara is nodding emphatically before Alex is even finished talking. 

“Absolutely,” she agrees, putting her fists on her hips and hanging her head a little. “I’ll do better.”

Alex smiles then and averts her eyes. She looks a little embarrassed and a little amused. “And… try to spend more time… actually sleeping?”

Her meaning is clear: Spend less time banging your hot girlfriend and more time resting up for your job as a superhero. 

Kara clears her throat, face hot. 

“Yes. Ok,” she says; annoyed, chastened, humbled. Relieved.

Because it is better for Alex to think she’s having sex with Lena (which she is ) than to be worried about her nightmares right now. Alex has enough on her plate with this phantom thing. And parenting is a LOT of work.

Chapter Text

Kara and Lena do their best to honor Alex’s request. Lena’s growing worry, and the darkening blotches under her eyes, helps Kara with accountability of course. 

“Listen,” Lena had said, with a yawn. “Just try sleeping on your own for a few days. Go to bed earlier and see what happens. Maybe it will be easier without me there to… distract you.”

It had been a joke but Kara didn’t laugh. The truth is she was worried. Worried about having nightmares without Lena there to calm her. 

“If you have a bad nightmare you can just fly over and climb in bed with me,” Lena reassured her, as if reading her mind. She smiled reassuringly but there was an anxious edge to her voice. “It’s gotta be worth a shot, right?”

The next few days are both a failure and a success. A failure in that Kara doesn’t have any less trouble sleeping. A success because, due to the fact that she goes to bed earlier (a bed devoid of pleasant “distractions,”) she actually does, cumulatively, get more sleep than usual. The nightmares are still a drag though. It’s not that there are more of them than what’s become usual. It’s that they are deeper, somehow. Darker, without Lena next to her. But the thought of Lena’s tired eyes keeps her in her own bed. The nightmares are hell for Lena too.

The phantom sightings are blessedly, suspiciously nonexistent. Lena and Brainy work tirelessly in their workshop. The DEO remains on high alert. But the city remains quiet. Kara picks up her red suit from Lena’s and does her interview. She fumbles through her work at CatCo, still not operating at 100%. Still, she manages to get reasonably caught up. She handles her laundry, finally; washing, folding, dropping things off at the dry cleaner. She talks on the phone with Lena. But the darkness stays with her. 

On Friday, after work, she heads directly home. It’s still a little early but she inhales a pizza anyway; she can always have another dinner later. She and Lena have planned a day off together, on Saturday, so she fully intends to get as much sleep as she can tonight, in preparation. Kara desperately misses sleeping next to Lena. She misses her smell and the feel of her soft skin. She misses pressing up against her soft body, making love to her and the sound of her groans and soft, stuttering breaths, right before she comes. She misses her taste.

Kara swallows her spiraling thoughts down and returns her attention to the task at hand: cleaning out her dresser and clothing rack. She’s determined to make progress on some household tasks before getting back into her regular routine with Lena. Taking clothes off their hangers, Kara folds them neatly into a pile on her bed. Then she unearths a couple small stacks of clothing from the back of her drawers and begins to sort everything into “keep,” “donate,” and “toss” piles. Kara is a sentimental person, by nature, so it’s always hard to get rid of things. Many of the items have happy and significant memories attached to them, after all. And with the recent revelation of Lena's fixation on Kara’s old wardrobe, the “keep” pile is steadily becoming a “Lena” pile. Still, she can’t keep everything. The final item is a skirt. A girlish, plaid skirt. She chuckles to herself.

“Ohh, this one is definitely a keeper,” she says, to no one in particular.

And as she holds the rough fabric in her hands an idea begins to take shape. She grins and moves half the “give” pile back into the “keep” pile. Decluttering is overrated anyway. There’s still room under her bed!

Locating her phone somewhere amongst the piles, she sends a text to Lena.

Hey baby, Whatcha up to?

This is a new thing she’s been trying out; calling Lena “baby” outside of the bedroom. Lena seems to like it, if her pink cheeks and fluttering heart are any indication. 

Lena texts her back almost immediately. 

Hi you, I’m just catching up on some work at L-Corp. How was your day?

Good! Kara replies. I miss you though. 

I know, me too. Can’t wait to have a whole day with you tomorrow

How are you feeling?

I feel great! Muuuch more rested.

Oh yeah? Darling, that’s wonderful! 

Wanna reconsider our decision to wait until tomorrow?

Hmmmm. VERY tempting. Ugh I would but I have some things here I absolutely have to finish tonight. I’ll be here till at least 10 By then it’ll be too late for us to fuck each others brains out and still have you get a decent nights sleep

Kara chokes on her saliva and then dissolves into giggles.

Lenaaaa! I’m scandalized!

No you’re not. And you know I’m right. 

Kara sighs.

Yeah, I know. I just miss you.

I miss you too Darling. Now, go watch a movie, go to bed early, and I’ll see you in the morning. 

Yes ma’am! See you tomorrow ❤️

❤️

Kara showers and puts her pajamas on, even though it’s only 7PM. But as she passes through her bedroom, on her way to the living room, to choose a movie, the pile of old clothes on her bed catches her eye again. 

On the other hand… a nap seems like a great idea.

—--

Lena sighs and stretches her stiff neck. It’s rare that she has a late night here at her L-Corp office anymore. After Lex pushed her out of the company… and then met an untimely demise via an army of Phantoms dragging he and Nyxly into a dimensional portal to who-knows-where, Lena had poured her considerable talents and intellect into her work with the Superfriends and her Foundation. In her spare time she studied and honed her magical abilities. Nevertheless, she had rejoined L-Corp as its CEO during her rift with Kara and is somehow still managing to make it work, thanks to Amir and some new executive hires. Yaaay to trusting people! She is trying to anyway. Having time for Kara is worth it. So while she certainly spends her share of late nights in various labs or her home office, it’s rare to be in her corporate office for more than an 8 hour day, a couple days a week.

At 9 o’clock, the office is peaceful. Dressed up in her formal, business attire, she almost feels wistful for the days when she had nothing better to do than work herself to death at L-corp. There was a kind of peace to it. A clarity that she knew exactly what she was supposed to be doing with her time. But now she has so much more. A real life. With friends, social obligations, and magic. And Kara. Above all… Kara. 

It’s been surprisingly difficult not being together outside of work these past few days. But she’d be lying if she said she isn’t feeling markedly more rested. Apparently, going to bed at a reasonable time and sleeping through the night really can do wonders for a person’s general well-being. Still, she is looking forward to getting back into the quasi-cohabitating routine she has become accustomed to. In her heart of hearts she longs for even more. For them to move in together. Declare their love for one another. Commit to each other in a more long term way. But with Kara’s sleep issues and this phantom conundrum it’s just not the right time. She doesn’t want to put any more pressure on Kara than she’s already under.

It’s frustrating not to be able to figure out where the phantoms are coming from, or why they are tangled with 5th dimensional energy. Worries gnaw at the back of her mind. Worries about Lex and vengeance and the Phantom Zone. Lena’s been at the DEO every day this week working with Brainy. When no one is looking she sits and stares at the captured creature, swaying and smiling in its cell. There’s something manic about its solitary cheerfulness. She uses magic to probe it; to try to get a read on it. There’s something familiar to the creepy feeling that prickles over her when she does this. As the days have gone on her conviction that the feeling she gets from probing the creature is reminiscent of the one she experiences when waking Kara from a particularly nightmare, has grown stronger. Lena is almost certain that if they were to open the containment cell, a familiar, acrid smell would wash out. It makes her angry. Or maybe it’s more that it makes her magic angry, if such a thing is possible. Sometimes her magic feels like a beast trying to escape the confines of her body. Every day that goes by without being able to figure out where the phantoms are coming from, and why, makes her more frustrated; more inclined to take the phantom in the containment cell apart bit by bit, with her magic, until it’s nothing more than cells she can put under a microscope; or pry the next portal they find open by sheer force, peek inside and take a look; Incinerate whoever is on the other side. She shivers a little. It’s not like she could actually do those things… right?

She blinks her dry eyes several times, to clear them, and returns to the report she’s reviewing. This one doesn’t technically need to be done today but she figured she would get ahead. Just another 30 minutes should do it. Then she can go home and sink into restful bliss.

The door to Lena’s office opens and without looking up from the reports she is reviewing she says, “I thought you went home.”

She’d last spoken to her assistant hours ago, and assumed he was long gone.

“Uh, sorry to disturb you Ms. Luthor,” comes a soft, familiar voice.

Lena’s head snaps up. 

Kara is standing in the doorway looking uncertain and… both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. It’s almost like Lena is hallucinating or has somehow traveled back in time 5 years to when she first met Kara. For starters, Kara is wearing her glasses. And, while Lena is still taking her in, she reaches up to fiddle with them nervously, just like she used to do. Rather than a sleek business outfit or her Super suit, she’s wearing her old assistant garb: a little, plaid skirt and a cheap cardigan buttoned all the way up over a girlish, button up blouse. The small white collar that pokes out from her sweater has delicate, rounded edges. Lena vividly remembers all of these pieces and how they used to drive her wild. She flushes hot all over. 

“What’s… happening?” Lena asks, curiously, unable to stop her eyes from raking over Kara’s body.

Kara clears her throat and shifts the laptop bag on her shoulder.

“Your assistant must’ve gone home so I figured I’d just… come on in!” Kara says cheerfully, fiddling with the notebook she’s holding as if she’s intimidated.

Lena can’t help but laugh a little. Why didn’t she just land on the balcony as usual?

“Kara, what-”

“I only need a few minutes of your time, Ms. Luthor,” Kara continues.

And, why the fuck is she calling Lena “Ms. Luthor?!”

Lena stares at her with open bewilderment. But her confusion is quickly being replaced by lust as Kara shyly makes her way across the carpet toward Lena’s desk. Her long, golden hair is pulled back into a bouncy ponytail. It’s almost like she did this on purpose…

“I just need a statement… on an article I’m writing,” she says, glancing up through her lashes. “That is… if I have the green light… to ask you some questions?”

And then Lena sees it. A mischievous flicker behind her large, blue eyes. 

Christ.

There’s a long, charged moment where it becomes clear that the next move is Lena’s to make. 

“I thought you were going to bed,” she says softly.

“I took a nap,” Kara says, pressing her lips together to hold back a smile.

Lena feels her own lips pull into a smirk as her body relaxes. With a barely suppressed chuckle Lena motions at the chair on the other side of her desk.

“By all means, have a seat.”

Kara sits down with a small sigh, her bag dropping heavily to the floor beside her chair. She looks innocently all around the room as if she’s never seen it before. God, she’s really committing to this role of young, innocent, inexperienced Kara. Lena can feel herself throbbing. How many times had she guiltily gotten off, in those early days, to the thought of eating Kara out in her office chair? Or bending her over the desk? In her most embarrassing fantasies of years past she was bent over the desk herself, Supergirl thrusting powerfully into her. 

“Thank you, Ms. Luthor,” Kara murmurs. 

And something about Kara calling her “Ms. Luthor” in that tone, dressed in that outfit is making Lena feel wild. Excited. But she tries not to get ahead of herself. She’s not 100% sure what’s going on here, although she has a pretty good idea. Kara bites her lip and Lena feels her thighs clench. 

Her voice is soft when she begins, “So my article is about powerful women and-”

“There’s no need to be so formal Kara,” Lena interrupts, daringly, feeling an itching need to take control.

“It’s late,” Lena says, leaning back in her chair and gesturing at the window behind her. 

She can hear how smoky her voice has gotten when she says, “We’re all alone.”

As desperate as she suddenly feels to take control, Lena actually feels a little nervous. Is she reading this right? Kara’s eyes spark and Lena could swear she’s holding back her own smirk.

“Why don’t you come around to this side of the desk,” Lena says, voice silky; testing the waters.

Wordlessly, Kara rises and meanders around the desk with Lena’s gaze riveted on her. There’s something liquid about Kara’s movements. Seductive, under her nervous, girly act. Lena crosses her legs and grips her armrests.

“Lean right there,” she husks, flicking her jaw in the direction of her desk.

Silently, Kara leans back against the desk, notebook and pen held loosely in her lap. She’s biting her lip again, watching Lena carefully. Lena takes a deep breath. Her crossed legs are mere inches from Kara’s.

“Ask me your question,” Lena murmurs.

Kara lets out a shaky breath. Lena’s heart is racing. She knows Kara can hear it.

“Well, uh…” she fiddles with her glasses again, looking bashfully at the floor.

Christ.  

“No need to be nervous, Kara,” she says, rotating her chair slightly so that her bare calf lightly rests against Kara’s leg.

Her voice goes soft for a moment when she adds, “It’s just me,” hoping Kara hears the double meaning. 

It’s just me. I’m game. I want this too.

“Well, I guess… What’s it like?”

Kara flicks her gaze up to Lena’s. The hungry look on her face take’s Lena’s breath away.

“What’s what like?” Lena asks, and her voice is a whisper this time.

“Having so much power?” Kara whispers back, eyes locked with Lena’s.

“Well…” Lena muses, reaching to run the backs of her fingers up the outside of Kara’s thigh, stopping at the hem of her skirt. “Typically it feels like… a lot of responsibility.” She runs her fingers back down to Kara’s knee… and watches the goosebumps rise on her skin.

Kara’s eyes are following the path of Lena’s fingers, her soft lips parted slightly.

“There are a lot of late nights,” Lena continues, bringing her palm around to smooth up the inside of Kara’s thigh.

Kara lets out a shaky breath. And parts her legs slightly.

“A lot of headaches…”

Silken heat is seeping into Lena’s underwear. And every cell in her body feels alive alive alive. And she loves Kara so much it takes her breath away. 

She runs the back of her hand up the inside of Kara’s other thigh, pushing her skirt up an inch. A muscle under Kara’s smooth skin jumps. Lena lets her hand linger, just under the hem of Kara’s skirt. Teasing higher up her inner thighs.

“And sometimes…” she breathes, words slow and meandering as she soaks in every detail of Kara’s flushed, unfocused face, “It’s intoxicating.”

Kara’s eyes drop closed. Slowly, ever so slowly, Lena slides out of her chair and sinks to her knees. 

The carpet is scratchy against her skin, but she hardly cares. She shifts her body until she's right in front of Kara and brings her fingers to the outside of Kara’s long, toned legs. Kara’s breath is coming faster now, her chest rising and falling as Lena teases her fingertips just under the hem of Kara’s skirt. She’s still holding her notebook and pen in both hands.

“Do you want this?” Lena whispers, taking the notebook and pen from Kara’s loose fingers and setting them on the desk.

Kara’s eyes flutter open and she nods shakily, hissing, “Yes,” as Lena slides her palms up to the top of Kara’s hot, smooth thighs, under her skirt.

Kara’s hands are gripping the desk on either side of her hips now as she stares down at Lena, eyes dark and unreadable. For a moment Lena is so overcome by the sight of her, as she gazes up the length of Kara’s body, that she has to close her eyes and press her forehead into Kara’s thigh to ground herself. Then, after a few breaths, she finds Kara’s underwear and digs her fingers under the fabric, pulling it down so slowly. It makes Lena feel powerful. Lights her body on fire. Her heartbeat is a sledgehammer pushing her blood through her body in strong pulses.

“Is this why you really came here?” Lena whispers.

Kara’s underwear is around her knees now and she tilts her head back.

“Yes,” she whimpers.

Lena gets Kara’s underwear down to her ankles and helps her to step out of it. Then, eyes locked on Kara’s face to catch every reaction, she grips the hem of Kara’s small, preppy skirt and pushes it up, up, up. So slowly. Till it’s around her hips. Lena shifts closer in between Kara’s legs, causing her to widen her stance and sink more heavily back against the desk. The blush on her face is bright pink and her beautiful vulva is shiny and swollen. Lena lowers her mouth, splitting Kara’s hot flesh open with her tongue, and licks messily from her entrance to her clit. Kara lets out a gasp and a groan and widens her thighs further. And Lena presses her whole face into Kara, nose to chin. Reveling in her subtle taste. Breathing in her scent. Getting drunk on it. Her hands grip possessively at Kara’s hips as she eats her out, ravenously, Kara’s sighs and gasps filling the air around them. Lena’s head swims with the intensity of it. She’s eating Kara out. And fucking her with her tongue. Making her squirm. And moan. Against her desk . Like she always wanted to do back when she thought that Kara was straight. When, regardless of what Kara’s sexuality may have been, Lena assumed she had no chance in hell with her. Her tongue hits a particularly sensitive spot and Kara moans, open mouthed and uninhibited. Her voice is high and breathy. It sends shivers down Lena’s spine. 

Kara’s hands are squeezing and twitching at the edge of the desk. She won’t take the risk of holding Lena’s head right now. But Kara is so hot and wet against Lena’s face, as she begins to rock her hips slightly, that Lena can’t think straight. She grips Kara’s hips tighter, holding her close.

“God, Lena,” Kara groans softly.

Lena smirks and hummmms against her, making her hips kick. It actually knocks Lena back a bit and she is just starting to remember that they don’t have a red light, that they should stop; fly home and continue this there, when Kara’s hand loses its footing and then slaps clumsily down onto the desk, startling her.

“Wait,” Kara breathes, “I- I have a-” drunkenly, she begins shifting on the desk, looking around.

Lena loosens her hands and leans back. Disappointment rockets through her, even as she knows Kara’s right. They have to stop.

But then, Kara pants, “In my bag, I- I brought a-”

Lena is in motion before Kara can finish speaking. She crawls under her desk, reaches for the strap of Kara’s bag that she can see on the other side, and yanks. It scrapes along the bottom of the desk, and barely fits, but she’s determined and she makes it work. It comes crashing through with a clunk and Lena distantly wonders if she will need to buy Kara a new computer. Before Kara can even bend to help her Lena has the bag open and is practically slamming the small light down onto the desk beside Kara. 

She grabs Kara’s hand, and presses it to the sensor as Kara whimpers, “Fuck. Lena.”

The moment it takes for the light to power up and turn on feels like an eternity and Lena uses it to swipe her laptop and some of the contents of her desk to the side. Then, red light is flooding the office. Kara sighs and Lena hears a rough, desperate sound escape her own throat. She pushes Kara back into the desk and continues where she left off. And, as usual, the freedom to lose control takes Kara’s already heightened desire and magnifies it until she’s completely unraveling. Unrestrained and open-mouthed she leans back against the desk on her hands and moans loud and uninhibited. And Lena thinks to use her fingers as well but Kara’s already right on the brink, rolling her hips hard into Lena and throwing one long thigh over Lena’s shoulder. Lena stares at Kara with adoration as she strokes her tongue over and over with expert precision, driving Kara higher and higher. She doesn’t have the patience to tease her. To drag this out. That’s for another night. Lena gazes up at Kara, in her little cardigan and glasses, head thrown back, neck on display… and she feels overwhelmed. Filled with so much affection and gratitude that she thinks her chest may burst. 

Kara’s blue eyes slide open and she catches Lena looking; finds her eyes and locks on to them. And the woman staring down at Lena with a furrowed brow and complete trust, placing her body and pleasure in Lena’s capable and willing hands, isn’t Kara Danvers. Isn’t even Supergirl. This is her Kara. Not the little assistant she dressed up as today. Not Kara’s larger than life Super persona. This is the friend she’s been to hell and back with. The woman she’s weathered so many catastrophes and betrayals with while they always still found a way back to each other. Until, hope against hope, they slowly made their way here . Both to this beautiful point in their relationship and to this heated moment in Lena’s office; Lena on her knees and Kara in her mouth. Lena’s eyes prick with tears and she wraps her lips around Kara’s clit to gently suck, winding her arms fully around Kara’s hips. Holding her close. And, finally, Kara trusts herself enough to bring a hand to Lena’s head. It shifts and trembles loosely around her ear and runs over her hair, unable to stay still.

Then, with a series of high, sharp cries that make Lena’s whole body tremble, Kara arches her back and comes.

Lena sticks her tongue out as far as it will go, keeping it firm for Kara to grind on and groaning at the pleasure of having her face ridden; the wet, silken slide of Kara’s skin. The taste of her is heady and addictive as she jerks her hips into Lena over and over until she’s finally spent; sighing, panting and sinking fully back onto the desk, sending a few small objects scattering. And it’s only now that Lena becomes aware of her aching knees, gripping the desk tightly to slowly pull herself up. She wants to see Kara. To soak in the sight of her, glasses, cardigan and all, collapsed back onto the desk. It takes both hands to wipe her mouth clean and she does it roughly; with no concern for her lipstick, which is probably already smeared all over her face. All the while she stares, wide eyed, as Kara presses fingers to her eyes under her glasses, chest heaving and body still twitching as she recovers from her orgasm. Lena’s clit jumps in response and she presses herself forward, leaning over Kara with her hands braced on either side of her body,  just staring. Feeling hot all over and nowhere near done.

Kara blinks at her lazily, her face and body varying shades of pink and red from the light of the lamp next to her. Lena reaches out to stroke along Kara’s soft jaw and lips.

“Can you take more?” she husks.

“Yes,” Kara sighs.

“I want to fuck you over my desk,” Lena murmurs, bluntly. “Are you up for it?”

Kara takes a shuddering breath and closes her eyes. For a moment she thinks Kara may say no. And that’s ok. But then Kara’s rolling over, with Lena rushing to help position her.

“Are you sure?” Lena murmurs, running a hand up her back.

“I’ve never done this before Ms. Luthor,” she says, once she’s bent over the desk, voice wobbly. “Will you show me how?”

Lena closes her eyes for a moment, her weight sagging onto her braced hands as her knees go weak.

“Jesus Christ, Kara,” she whispers, voice tight and unbalanced, and could swear Kara’s shoulders twitch in a silent laugh. 

She’s being so cheeky; baiting Lena like this; riling her up. And then up some more. Awe-struck and delighted, Lena takes a deep breath and begins to wind Kara’s silken ponytail around her fist. If she wants to play this game, Lena can play.

“You make me so crazy, you know that?” she husks.

She tugs the ponytail lightly, enough to jostle Kara’s head a bit, and presses her other hand flat against Kara’s back. A slow sigh hisses from Kara’s mouth as she arches her spine.

“I’ll show you how, Ms. Danvers,” Lena murmurs, “I’ll show you how.”

Lena bites her lip and nudges Kara’s foot with the toe of one heeled shoe. 

“Spread your legs.”

It’s not a request. 

Kara rushes to comply, with Lena shakily pushing the back of Kara’s skirt all the way up to her waist. She lets go of Kara’s ponytail to grip both her hips and tug once, till they hit Lena’s. Kara lets out an involuntary sound that is somewhere between a gasp and a grunt. Lena brings the fingers of one hand down to stroke languidly at the shiny, sensitive skin between Kara’s thighs and she jumps a little, moaning; a long and pleading sound. She’s so wet that even her thighs and ass are glistening. Lena can still taste Kara on her tongue. She slides the palm of her free hand firmly up the back of Kara’s thigh and over the soft curve of one ass cheek, gripping and squeezing it. Kara is making the sweetest little noises now, and presses her hips back into Lena’s hands. 

Lena’s mouth waters and her brain fuzzes with static.

She hears herself say, “I’m going to take good care of you sweetheart. Do you want that?”

Her voice is gravelly and wrecked sounding, like it’s coming from somewhere else.

“Yes, Ms. Luthor,” Kara moans, helplessly, rocking her hips back.

Lena grips one hip and begins to work a finger inside, palm up.

“You feel so good darling. So tight and wet. So wet for me,” she sighs. 

Kara’s gasped “yes’s” fill the spaces between Lena’s smoky words.

“Would you like another finger?”

The “yes’s” don’t stop so Lena withdraws and turns her hand to slowly ease two fingers in, palm down. Kara groans and rolls her hips. Lena swallows, roughly. Her own body is on fire with desire; nipples tingling and pussy throbbing and soaked. For a fleeting moment she wonders if she could get her own skirt off with one hand.

She begins to thrust slowly, murmuring to Kara as she does. Telling her what a good girl she is and how well she’s doing. Kara lays one flushed cheek onto the desk, glasses askew, and Lena’s movements stutter for a moment at the blissed out, lost expression on her lovely face. Then she winds her hand around Kara’s ponytail again and makes a fist, pulling slowly until she gets the message and tilts her head up, arching her back. 

Lena widens her stance and leans her body into Kara, and her own hand, using the ponytail for leverage. Then she curls her fingers downwards, into Kara’s g-spot, presses and pulls. Kara groans, her walls fluttering around Lena’s fingers. 

She’s close then, Lena thinks. And she rolls her own hips, breathing heavily and pressing her hand into Kara more deeply. They quickly find a rhythm together, a push and pull that feels dirty and raw. The wet sounds of their fucking and their breathy gasps ricochet around the silent office. 

“Oh my god,” Kara whines, voice shaky. “Fuck.”

And if she’s swearing then she’s really close. Lena can’t decide whether she wants to speed this up or slow it down. There’s not enough blood in her head to think straight.

“You said you haven’t done this before. What did you mean?” Lena demands. “Been fingered from behind?”

“No,” Kara gasps, struggling to get words out between thrusts. “I’ve never… been fucked… from behind. At all. A-and…I’ve never… been with a…woman.”

“I’m your first?” Lena demands.

“Yesss ma-’am,” Kara stutters.

Lena blinks and feels her eyelashes flutter. Fuck, she thinks, for the hundredth time. Her voice is rough when she replies, “Good,” slowing her rhythm a bit.

“But you’ve thought about it,” she continues.

“Yes,” Kara stutters. “I-I’ve thought about it. Dreamt it. I-“

“What did you dream?” Lena demands.

“I-I… this… you… I…” Kara can barely get words out between her gasps and moans.

“C’mom sweetheart,” Lena encourages, carefully adding a third finger to the liquid mess of Kara’s pussy. “You’re doing so well. Taking me so well. Tell me what you dreamed.”

“Youuuu,” Kara groans, deliriously, losing touch with the charade. “ You , Lena, for real- I-I used to dream about you. This. You… taking me over your desk. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t know I could want this… that I could have it.”

Lena’s body goes cold. And then burning hot. Her hips roll, involuntarily, into Kara’s, hard, and she presses down into her g-spot. Kara cries out, a hoarse, broken sound, and trembles all over. Her hands twitch on the desk, walls fluttering around Lena’s fingers, and her back arches even further, then twists. Lena leans into her with all her strength, keeping Kara in place, keeping her fingers firm for Kara to thrust onto as she comes, whimpering, gasping, and gushing, slower and slower until she melts onto the desk, spent. 

In a daze, Lena gently removes her fingers and slumps against Kara. She’s painfully turned on. And so close she can’t think straight. Wet fingers fumble with the hem of her skirt, yanking it up around her waist. Kara turns her head to the side, jerkily.

“What do you need?” she asks hoarsely.

But something she sees in Lena’s face makes her scramble into action.

“Here,” she murmurs, shifting heavily onto her back and pulling Lena toward her by the arms, and then the hips, until Lena is straddling her body, on top of the desk.

Lena is all out of words. All out of thoughts. Hungrily, she rips at Kara’s shirt, untucking and unbuttoning until she has a smooth, warm patch of skin big enough to sink her pelvis against. Frantically, gratefully, she works her own hand into her underwear. Her fingers slip through the silky flood and press into her clit. Pleasure rolls through her in a suffocating wave and she rocks down, down, down, into Kara; into her firm, smooth stomach. Deliriously, she rides Kara, with sharp downward thrusts of her hips. Distantly she is aware of fingers on her body, and hears frantic, hoarse cries; her own voice, breaking. Lena rides. And it’s so good. And her shirt is open now, somehow, bra straps yanked off her shoulders by Kara so she can work Lena’s tits out over the top of the thing and rub at her burning nipples. Kara is murmuring encouragement to her but Lena’s scrambled brain can’t make sense of the words. She floats on the sounds of Kara’s dear, beloved voice. Floats in that beautiful space right before orgasm. That endless blissful space. Head thrown back. Body tensed. The tension snaps, and Lena comes with a harsh cry, buckling over and almost sliding off, but held in place by Kara’s strong arms wrapped around her. And Kara keeps holding her as her whole body shakes and writhes against her own fingers. Until Lena is nothing but a shivering, whimpering mess collapsed into Kara’s side, her head cradled on Kara’s shoulder.

And she doesn’t really come back to herself until her body is so cold she starts to wish for a blanket and her calf is sore where it’s pressing into the edge of the desk. She blinks her eyes open, feeling sticky and relaxed and finds Kara, warm and solid, dozing beside her. She’s turned off the red light and when she notices Lena stirring she helps her to sit up and guides her to the couch, leaving her glasses behind. They sink and tangle into each other on the couch, coats draped over them for warmth. Lena feels terribly disheveled. Heavy and lethargic.

Kara sighs with exhaustion and her voice is practically a whisper.

“I don’t think I can fly us yet.”

“Shh,” Lena mumbles, burrowing into Kara, “Let’s just… lay here for a bit.”

“Ok,” Kara sighs, happily, pulling her closer.

Lena’s brain is pulling her toward sleep and she feels undone and remade in the best of ways.

She sighs deeply, “Just… holy shit Kara.” Her voice is like gravel. “Not that I’m complaining. But where the fuck did that come from?”

Kara snickers.

“I just… I was in a mood. I thought it would be fun. And I thought you might like it. And…”

She trails off, uncertainly. 

“What?” Lena prods, voice groggy.

“It’s actually… It’s ok if you don’t remember. But. It’s the anniversary of the day we first met.”

This wakes Lena up a bit and she props her chin on Kara’s chest to gaze up at her.

“Really?” she asks, ribcage filling with warmth.

“Yeah,” Kara says, with a shy grin. “I came here with my cousin… to get a statement. Well, really we were just snooping around.”

Her expression turns apologetic but Lena just grins at her wryly. She thinks that Kara could be forgiven almost anything after tonight’s performance. Especially something so past tense.

“I remember,” she says softly. “That’s when it all started.”

Kara beams at her and rests her head back against the sofa, pulling Lena into her again. 

“Yeah,” she whispers, “that’s when it started.”

They lie still for a few quiet moments. 

Then Kara whispers, “I can’t believe I admitted all that to you.  About dreaming and… fantasizing about you.”

Lena stirs and smiles sleepily without opening her eyes.

“Well,” she mumbles, “It was mutual. As you know.”

She debates telling Kara just how far gone she’d been for her from the very beginning, but something else distracts her. 

“Had you really never been fucked from behind?”

Kara giggles.

“No,” she says lazily, a smile in her voice, “I have. I mean, nothing like… that . But, technically, yes. I just said that for the moment. And, you know,” she tickles Lena, making her squeal and squirm. “I’ve also been with a woman before tonight. So I guess I’m just a big ol’ liar.”

Lena sighs contentedly and kisses Kara wetly on the neck. 

“Sexy, little fibber is a more accurate term,” Lena rumbles against her neck, making a mental note to fuck Kara from behind again at her earliest opportunity.

Kara sighs out a pleased little laugh and lapses into silence. With her heart and body practically glowing with joy, Lena begins to drift off into a deep sleep, tangled up with Kara. 

“I love you,” Kara whispers into the dark. “I’m so in love with you, Lena.”

Pure joy washes through Lena and her eyes go misty. 

“I love you too,” she murmur into Kara’s collarbone. “I have… for a long time.”

Kara sighs happily and wraps her arms more snuggly around Lena.

Many hours later, when the sun begins to peek over the horizon, after a deep and restful sleep, Kara will go out to stand on the balcony and get all powered up. Then she will fly them home for showers and breakfast. 

Two days later, when Lena finally makes it back to this office, she will be faced with the mess they made of her desk. Grinning, foolishly, she will press her hands to her burning cheeks and, for the thousandth time, thank whatever deity might be responsible for her good luck.

Chapter Text

Kara is trying to focus. She’s trying very hard to focus. But it’s hard to think straight when Lena is wearing a fitted pencil skirt and heels. Nibbling on her lip, Kara tries to bring her attention back to the informal update Alex is giving her. But then Lena, deep in conversation with Brainy, across the room, absently places a hand on the curve of her hip. Kara straightens, lips parting. Man, she is so far gone. Because Lena’s outfit isn’t even revealing. The tapered skirt extends just past her knees and her V-neck, long sleeved blouse shows not even a hint of cleavage. But it drives Kara wild nonetheless. The typical bustle and commotion of the DEO swirls around Kara where she leans, arms crossed, against a high table, in her super suit. Beside her, Alex is multi-tasking; tapping away at a screen, quietly talking to Kara and fielding interruptions from DEO employees. 

Kara had arrived for the Monday morning meeting early, so she could deliver a fresh latte to Lena, and hopefully have a few minutes of quiet conversation. It’s only been a few days since their night of role play in Lena’s office, including an entire Saturday together, half of which they spent in bed. But, like an addict, Kara is already starting to feel a little desperate for her next fix. Unfortunately, she had only been able to hand off the coffee, receiving a quick kiss to her cheek and a murmured, “thank you, Darling,” as payment, before Lena had her head bowed over a table littered with schematics, tools and miscellaneous parts, again. That’s how Kara ended up here, “listening” to Alex and letting her mind wander where it may. And left to its own devices there is really only one place her mind wants to wander: to two nights ago, when she surprised Lena in her office and ended up getting exactly what she wanted; fucked over Lena’s desk with Lena wild and unraveled, on top of her.

Inside the atrium of the DEO a small crowd is gathering. There is a buzz of urgency in the air, everyone eagerly anticipating the new tech that Lena and Brainy are about to unveil, and the new marching orders they will likely all receive, as a result. After a few days respite the phantom encounters had increased again, making everyone uneasy, especially with the added pressure of the DOD breathing down their necks. Lena had vented her frustration to Kara for an hour on Saturday, as they lay in bed, post-coital.

Bed

And just like that Kara’s mind is wandering to more illicit places again.

“Kara!” 

Kara’s head snaps back to Alex, who is wearing a disgruntled expression.

“Hmm?”

Gesturing emphatically with the hand not holding her tablet Alex says, “Did you hear anything I just said?”

Kara stares at her blankly, debating the merits of lying. 

Swallowing, she guiltily mumbles, “Not really, no.” 

Alex’s gaze softens as she glances to where Kara had been staring and catches sight of Lena.

Scoffing with amusement Alex notes, “Oh my god. Should’ve known. At least you look more rested.”

Across the room Lena rests a hand on the table and jots something down on a piece of paper. Her hair is slipping from behind her ear.

Distantly, Kara hears Alex ask, “What’d you guys do this weekend anyway? I never heard from you about brunch.”

“Oh, nothing,” Kara replies, absorbed in the way Lena tucks her hair back behind her ear. A vivid flash of what else those fingers have done recently dances across her mental landscape and the corners of her lips twitch.  “Um… Hung out. I surprised her at work.”

Across the room Lena catches her watching and her eyes flash. She winks. Kara’s cheeks feel warm. In her peripheral vision Alex does a double take. 

“Ugh, you’re glowing,” she says in mock annoyance. “What did you surprise her with? Dinner and flowers?”

With a jolt of adrenaline that brings her crashing back to reality, Kara suddenly realizes who she’s talking to. Her eyes widen and snap to Alex guiltily.

“Nothing.”

Shoot . That just makes her sound more guilty.

“It was just… ah… like…well… I just, like, stopped by to say… hi, and…”

She trails off, face aflame. The sisters stare at each other for a long, silent moment as horror dawns on Alex’s face.

“Oh God! Kara!! I don’t want details!” Alex barks, putting her hands up in defense.

“I’m not offering!” Kara backpedals, “Sorry! I wasn’t thinking.”

Nia practically materializes beside them.

“Details about what?”

Pinching the bridge of her nose, Alex groans and mutters, “Kara and Lena’s… gay sex life. I don’t wanna know.”

Kara presses her lips tightly together wondering whether, if she stomped hard enough, the ground would open up enough for her to just throw herself in.

“I do,” Nia says. Kara and Alex turn to stare at her.  “Seriously,” she continues, blinking innocently, “I wanna know everything. Spill.”

Alex groans in frustration. “Ok, you know what?” she exclaims, gripping her tablet tightly, “We are at work. We have a meeting.” Then, even though it’s five minutes early, striding to the middle of the room she barks, “Ok, listen up everyone! Time to start.”

A hush descends on the room as a couple dozen people scramble to begin drawing themselves into a loose circle around Alex. Nia elbows Kara, sharply, in the ribs with an expectant look on her face. Bewildered, Kara silently mouths, I’ll tell you later, which seems to appease her. For now.

“Ok,” Alex begins, “We all know what we are here for, so I won’t waste time with formalities. As some of you know,” her eyes briefly cut to Kara (and Kara inwardly kicks herself for her foggy, wandering mind.) “We are continuing to log more phantom disturbances. The hotline we pushed out to the public has been getting regular calls and when we weed through them and cross reference with police reports we are averaging about 5 sightings a day.” 

Kara gulps. Five a day. That’s way more than she thought. How had she missed that? 

“A couple hours ago one popped up in a 2nd grade classroom at Sunset Elementary School.” There are some quiet gasps and the room grows more tense. “Luckily, No one was harmed,” Alex continues, gesturing toward a smart board that has been wheeled in, “But the teacher’s assistant got some of it on video.”

She presses a button on her tablet and the sound of screaming children ripples through the room, raising goosebumps on Kara’s spine. On the screen children scramble out of the way of the macabre creature clad in garish clown-like clothing who dances and jumps from desk-top to desk-top, hurling papers in the air. Terror-stricken, the teacher herds the children out of the room. The assistant teacher seems to be helping, if the bouncing, off-center video is any indication. All the while the creature hoots and dances, seeming almost uninterested in the people other than making garish faces at them now and then. Finally, the last child is yanked backwards through the door which is then slammed shut. The last thing the video shows, before it stops, is the blurry phantom, seen through the narrow door window, spreading its arms wide and free-falling backwards into space. A purple flash of light appears just above the floor and disappears almost as fast, the phantom having fallen through rather than crashing to the ground.

A quick glance around the room reveals pale, solemn faces.

“We have been very lucky, so far, that the phantoms don’t seem to be interested in hurting anyone and that there have been no serious injuries. But it is urgent that we figure out why they are here and how to stop them. To that end, Lena and Brainy have been working on a device that we hope will help us gather more information. I’ll let them explain it.”

Alex steps to the side to make room for a metal table to be wheeled in, Lena and Brainy following behind. All eyes turn to them. Reaching both of her manicured hands to grasp a brick-sized mass of black plastic seemingly wrapped in wire  and shiny chrome, Lena hefts it and paces forward a few steps. Even before she speaks Lena has full command of the room, thanks to her years of experience and innate magnetism. 

“Because the portals open and close so quickly we haven’t been able to get any real readings from them,” she states. “But this device could change that. When activated, it should hold a portal open long enough for us to take some readings.” 

“How long?” J’onn’s deep, resonant voice asks, from the back of the crowd.

This time Brainy responds, “We don’t know exactly. Since we can’t really test it until we have a portal, we won’t know until it happens.”

A man Kara doesn’t recognise, dressed in a military uniform, scoffs, “We don’t know when and where the portals are going to pop up. How are you going to magically be in the right place at the right time.”

Lena’s nostrils flare ever so slightly, a tell that lets Kara know she is irritated and centering herself with a deep breath before speaking.

“Yes,” she says, “That is a limitation. But fortunately, now that we know how to build them we can mass produce them, in a sense.”

Lena looks to Brainy, who answers. “I’ll be using the schematics and instructions Lena and I have developed to train my team to reproduce the device and then we will distribute them to the agents stationed across the city.”

“And how long will that take?” the officer asks, impatiently.

Lena and Brainy glance at each other and Brainy replies, “Hopefully no more than a couple of days.”

“Yes,” Alex interjects, “We are diverting as many of our people as possible to building more devices and will be working in shifts until it’s done.”

It’s a good plan; better than they’ve had so far. But Kara can’t help but notice all the weaknesses piling up. Whoever happens to be in the right place at the right time, when a portal opens up will need to have both the device and a variety of expensive sensory equipment available and know how to use it all. And they would also need backup in case something goes wrong. After all, they aren’t exactly sure what’s on the other side. But for now it’s the best shot they have. Fighting the urge to nibble her thumb nail, Kara suppresses it by crossing her arms and squeezing her biceps.

“We should keep broadcasting and advertising the hotline number,” she interjects. “And push it to a wider audience, if we can. I’ll place it in CatCo’s print and online publications and we should keep it on the nightly news, and get more radio stations involved too.” As she speaks Alex nods at a few different agents, already divvying up the assignments, as Kara lists them. “The faster we can get to a portal,” Kara continues, “the better chance we have, so having people report a sighting right away will be important. And I want to be notified every time there is a sighting, even if other people are en route. I have the best chance of getting there in time.” 

Alex freezes for a moment and Kara can read her and Lena’s reluctance, likely rooted in their concern that she already has too much on her plate. 

“I don’t think that’s necessary yet. With the help of local law enforcement and our colleagues from the military,” she nods at a few DOD employees, “we should be able to station someone every 3 to 4 blocks. You shouldn’t need to be on duty any more than anyone else.”

Kara’s teeth grind together in frustration, but she honors Alex’s decision with a nod, not wanting to undermine her leadership publicly. Waiting and planning have never been Kara’s strong suit. She much prefers to punch her way through an obstacle. But overtime she has come to understand that her preferred approach is not always optimal.

The remainder of the meeting revolves around scheduling and division of labor and before long it’s over, the large group splintering into smaller groups and then dwindling as people rush off to their assigned tasks. 

Alex squeezes Kara’s arm reassuringly on her way out. “Set up a time to train on the device,” she says, “and the testing equipment. Lena, will see to it that you get one.”

“I just think-” Kara starts to protest. But a weary, no-nonsense look from Alex shuts her up and she acquiesces with a scoff and a tight smile.

“Get some sleep,” Alex says, firmly.

“I am,” Kara responds tightly, putting her hands on her hips.

Uncowed by the Supergirl stance Alex leans in and murmurs, “Get more,” with a raise of her eyebrows and then walks away.

Then a gentle and familiar thump-thump sound approaches; Lena, stopping just at Kara’s elbow. Turning, it’s as if the weight of the world slides off her shoulders. Lena’s delicate scent hits her at the same time that Lena’s soft, green eyes crinkle at the corners. 

“Hey you,” she murmurs.

“Hey!” Kara gushes, taking Lena’s hand, discreetly, and giving it a gentle squeeze. “That’s some cool tech!”

But there’s something a little melancholy about the way Lena says, “Thanks.” Something a little distracted. Kara can read her worry in the tense set of her shoulders and entwines their fingers loosely. “I just… wish this wasn’t happening,” Lena murmurs, the faint furrow between her eyebrows a dead giveaway of her concern for Kara. The subtext is loud and clear: On top of everything else.

Tracing her thumb over Lena’s wrist, Kara smiles as reassuringly as she can and says, “It’ll be ok. We’ll figure it out. We always do.”

Lena smiles back as if she can’t resist, her eyes seeming to drink Kara in. “Ok, well let’s get you trained on the tech. Do you have time now?”

Checking her watch Kara balks at the time. She’s got a meeting at CatCo in 20 minutes. “Ugh, can’t. Can you just… bring it home tonight?”

Seeming to melt a little, Lena smiles that hopeful, adoring smile she always does when Kara says “home” these days. “Sure,” she agrees, softly. “My place ok?”

“Mhm,” Kara nods, happily. Because home is wherever Lena is. But then she remembers the clothing she will need for tomorrow, and the groceries that are about to go bad. “Actually, can we go to mine?” 

There’s the briefest of pauses, a subtle hesitation that flickers across Lena’s features, before it’s gone. “Sure,” she says with a warm smile, “I’ll see you there.”

After a quick change into her civilian clothes Kara is pushing through the double doors on her way to the deli down the street to pick up lunch on her way to CatCo. Nia is leaning against a railing outside, bundled in a stylish winter coat, apparently waiting for Kara, and pushes off to join her as she jogs down the steps. 

“There you are,” Nia says, with a smirk, “I’ll walk with you.”

Chuckling, Kara responds, “Ok, well you only have until my lunch is ready, then I’m flying.”

She hadn’t planned to say too much about her and Lena’s sex life but in Nia’s characteristically perceptive and disarming way, she wheedles enough information out of Kara to gather a vague picture of what happened in Lena’s office. Hopefully Lena won’t be too mad. And, certainly, Nia has earned trust by virtue of being the first person Kara came out to, keeping her secret and encouraging her to talk to Lena. For believing, so adamantly, in Kara and Lena.

Once she’s gotten as many details as she can out of Kara, and as few as Kara could get away with, Nia blinks, swallows, and thoughtfully says, “Damn.” And Kara has pretty much reached the  limit of her (admittedly, small) ability to discuss her sex life, with a third party, without becoming totally mortified. So she is relieved to look up and see the deli, her salvation, just within sight. She increases her pace enough to wind Nia but not draw attention to them.

“Well,” Nia says, easily increasing her own pace, “First of all, I wouldn’t have figured Lena for a Top.” Kara promptly starts choking on her own saliva and has to stop walking. Unphased, Nia eyes her speculatively. “I wouldn’t have figured you for a Bottom .”

“What!?” Kara splutters, attracting a few curious glances from passers-by.

“Sweet, innocent Kara,” Nia begins, drawing in a breath and putting her hands on Kara’s shoulders.

“Um- excuse me,” Kara interjects, gesturing emphatically with her index finger, “I’m Supergirl. I’m not sweet and innocent.”

Nia’s face takes on a dubious (and annoying) squint. Kara pulls away and begins walking again, with a huff. Scrambling to catch up, Nia continues, “Anyway , a ‘Top’ is the person in a sexual relationship who-“

“I know what Tops and Bottoms are Nia,” Kara hisses, pausing outside the deli and glancing around nervously. Nia chuckles delightedly and bites her lip. “But,” Kara continues, a little defensively, “It doesn’t always have to be so- so binary. Our relationship is more… mutual.”

“Not the other night,” Nia mutters, and Kara smacks her lightly on the arm.

“Why do I tell you anything?” She asks, exasperated.

“Because I’m a fount of wisdom,” Nia declares, knocking a playful shoulder against Kara’s. “Aaaand because you can’t talk to Alex about it.” Kara makes a begrudging expression of acknowledgement. 

“I’m happy for you Kara,” Nia says, a genuine smile lighting her face, “I’ve never seen you like this.”

Some of Kara’s tension softens and she smiles at Nia with exasperated affection before sighing, “Byyye Nia,” and gripping the handle of the deli’s front door, to pull it open. A sharp tug on the back of her coat stops her.

“And, just a suggestion…” Nia murmurs, leaning in for privacy, “Since your relationship is so mutual… Maybe Supergirl should pay Lena a late night visit sometime. The number one fantasy in Super erotica is people getting railed by Supergirl.” Kara goes still as her ears begin to ring, her brain floundering to make sense of that statement. “Juuuust saying,” Nia adds, with a wide and wicked smile, holding her hands up in a gesture of innocence.

All Kara can manage to spit out is in inelegant, “What!?” as deli patrons squeeze around them to enter and exit. 

Nia just waves goodbye with a knowing grin, turns on her heel and saunters off.

“Super what? ?” Kara whines, to no one in particular, blinking furiously in an attempt to center her mind, “Just…” she continues, voice practically a whisper, “so much… ‘what.’”

…..

Lena savors a sip of the wine she has just poured; a delightfully jammy red that manages to not be too sweet, and relishes the feeling of her bare toes, recently liberated from the heels they’d been confined in all day, stretched out on the cool linoleum of Kara’s kitchen floor. They are making dinner together; chatting about their day and discussing plans for Valentines Day, which is just around the corner. Kara, also barefoot and sauteing onions and peppers at the stove top, is chattering happily about doing a classic, flowers/chocolate/dinner-date Valentines Day and, although Lena doesn’t need all that personally and is worried they will have to cancel last minute due to phantom-related issues, she is pretty much willing to do anything that makes Kara this excited and carefree. Outside the huge windows of Kara’s apartment the city lights twinkle against a dark night sky, the winter sun having set hours before.

Checking her phone, Lena finds an inexplicable text from Nia.

“Any idea why Nia just texted me, ‘You’re Welcome?’” she asks.

There’s a pause and then, without turning, Kara hums and replies, “No, no idea.”

Lena texts back a question mark and is just adding dressing to the salad she’s making, while imagining the enormous box of chocolate she is going to get for Kara, when there is a timid knock on the door. In a flash-blur of golden hair, Kara has turned her head and is squinting at the door. 

“Who is it?” Lena murmurs, a faint trickle of adrenaline beginning to bleed through her. 

Kara’s face takes on a watchful expression. 

“I don’t know.”

Lena’s skin prickles. Thanks to Kara’s x-ray vision, anyone who has any right to be here would be recognizable to Kara instantly. But Kara doesn’t know this person. 

It has always been possible to find out where Kara lives. It’s something both Alex and Lena have been cautioning her about for some time. When Kara came out as Supergirl it became all too easy for a wide range of people to figure it out. Then the tabloids caught wind of the fact that she and Lena are dating and the whole thing kicked into overdrive. First came the mail; the fan mail; the hate mail. Then people began showing up outside her building, looking for an autograph, an interview, or help with a problem. It happens so often now that Kara has started flying to and from her balcony, almost exclusively.

Before Lena knows what’s happening Kara is marching to the door.

“Hey,” Lena cautions, just as Kara grabs the handle, “Maybe don’t-”

But then Kara is swinging the door open, revealing a small, middle aged woman with fluffy, light-brown hair and a desperate expression.

“Oh!” she exclaims, breathlessly, “Supergirl! I have the right address!”

Kara’s posture stiffens as she angles herself to stand between Lena and the woman, one hand on the door frame and the other on the door. To Lena, Kara’s protective instincts seem like overkill in the face of such a non-threatening human. The small woman clutches her rumpled handbag more tightly and gazes up at Kara with wide, pleading eyes. 

“Can I help you?” Kara asks, an edge to her voice. 

Then, with one huge breath in, the woman launches into a frantic explanation. Her son is missing. He’s a good kid, really, had just fallen in with the wrong people, and now he isn’t returning calls, hasn’t been to work or his apartment in two weeks… Kara tries to put her off; gently stating that this is an issue better left to the police and that the woman can reach out to the DEO if she needs to get in touch with Kara, but the woman is undeterred, her trembling voice rising in pitch as she explains that the police are already involved but that they aren’t trying hard enough, she’s checked all the jails and hospitals already, with no sign of him and that no one is listening to her. Lena inches closer, over the course of the conversation, feeling her heart tremble a bit at the fear in the stranger’s voice. She certainly isn’t giving off any negative energy. She seems to be just a desperate mother. Kara nods gently and listens, never moving from her spot blocking the door, and finally agrees to do what she can, asking the woman, again, to follow up with the DEO. 

When she finally closes the door, with a sigh, she finds Lena hovering close, her brow furrowed with worry. Kara smiles tightly, squeezes Lena’s arm, and returns to the stove, where the onions and peppers have begun to burn.

“Sorry about that,” she says over her shoulder, “I’ll talk to the owner about fixing the front door lock.”

It’s an excuse and they both know it. The lock has been fixed for some time now and, without a doorman, it’s far too easy for anyone to just slip in on the heels of a neighbour.

“Darling,” Lena begins, cautiously, “I know how much you love this apartment.” Kara’s shoulders stiffen, as she scrapes the pan with a spatula. “But, you have to know you can’t stay here forever. Now that everyone knows, you’re more at risk than ever.”

Kara goes still and takes a steadying breath, causing Lena to feel a little flutter of anxiety at the impending conflict. Kara doesn’t like to even think about leaving; Lena knows this. Lena also knows that this apartment has been one of her only constants through a long series of massive changes. It’s been her safe space where she can just be herself. When pressed about her budget Kara responds that sure, she can afford something nicer and more secure. But why would she? This place is great. It’s her . Over time Lena has come to understand that, for Kara, leaving this apartment would be like leaving a part of herself. 

Kara turns to look at Lena, eyes beseeching. “Can we please not argue about it again?”

Lena swallows, feeling confused, and tries to keep her voice gentle. “Is that how you see our past conversations about this? As arguments?” It’s true that Lena has been bringing up her concern for Kara’s safety more and more lately.

Kara’s defensive posture relaxes and she sighs. “No, not really. That’s more… Alex, I guess.” She closes her eyes and rubs the center of her forehead. Then, after a moment of regarding Lena, her gaze softens further and she comes over to wrap Lena in a warm embrace. Lena winds her arms around Kara’s waist and presses her nose into Kara’s neck.

“I’m the most powerful person on the planet,” Kara murmurs, stoking her fingers along Lena’s spine, “I’ll be fine.” Then she brushes some of Lena’s hair back over her shoulder. And it’s hard for Lena to focus on her frustration when she is wrapped safely in Kara’s arms and suddenly feeling so gooey and cozy. So she nods against Kara’s shoulder and breathes her in. Then Kara pulls back slightly to kiss Lena’s forehead. 

“And, I do know I can’t stay here forever,” she says softly, disentangling herself from the embrace. “And I know someday… I won’t want to.”

There’s a sparkle in Kara’s eyes now that makes Lena’s chest flutter happily. “I just… I need to wait until things settle down. Is that ok?”

Lena nods, with a small smile and squeezes Kara’s hand. “Ok,” she whispers. 

“Cm’mon,” Kara says, releasing Lena’s hand and returning to the stove top, “Let’s eat and talk about something else.”

They serve up, set the table and sit down with Kara at the head and Lena in the seat catacorner, like always. After a couple bites and another sip of wine Lena asks, “What should we talk about?”

“Welll…” Kara replies, lightly, “Did you know there's like entire websites devoted to erotic stories people write about Supers?” 

Halfway through cutting her chicken, Lena freezes. Because holy shit, she is completely unprepared for this conversation.

“Oh?” She manages to reply, without looking up.

Kara’s shocked gasp is rather too enthusiastic for Lena’s nerves to handle just now.

“You know about it!” Kara accuses.

Struggling to convince her hands to continue cutting her food, Lena steels herself for the almost certain humiliation to come.

Trying to keep her tone disaffected, Lena replies, “Well I don’t live under a rock, Kara.”

Kara’s bright blue eyes are wide and alert, when Lena risks a glance at her.

“You’ve read it?!” she exclaims, expression toggling between amused and surprised.

Lena can feel the hot blush racing up her neck and grips her silverware tightly. This is a conversation she had hoped not to have for a long time, if ever. 

“Wh- I didn’t say-” she splutters.

“Oh my goddd,” Kara groans, not waiting for her to finish, “Why am I the last to know?”

Lena stares at Kara like a deer in headlights, mind racing but drawing an absolute blank regarding how to proceed; how to apologize for seeking out and reading material that publicly objectifies Kara, during her own private moments of weakness and desperation. 

“Actually,” Kara says, taking a bite of her food and talking at the same time, “Scrap that- I kinda wish I never found out.”

Lena wonders how much to give away; doesn’t know how much Kara has actually read, if any.

“It’s not all that bad,” she mumbles. Like an idiot.

Kara swallows her bite and narrows her eyes at Lena. “So you’ve like… read it, read it.”

Cringing, inwardly, Lena averts her eyes and says, “I don’t know what that means, but yes… I may have… skimmed some of it. Once or twice.”

Kara stares at her. And, locked in the tractor beam of Kara’s blue eyes she feels powerless to resist truthfulness much longer.

“I’m only human Kara,” she mumbles, reaching for her wine, feeling so guilty. Falling back on defensiveness when she should be apologizing. Cringing at herself, she opens her mouth to try again. But a grin seems to be working its way onto Kara’s face. Kara presses her lips together and snorts, as if holding in a laugh. Lena shoves food into her mouth to try and buy herself some time.

“So you’ve like… gotten off to it,” Kara prods.

Lena chokes on her bite and has to chug some wine to wash it down as a peal of golden laughter fills the apartment.

“Oh my godddd,” Lena groans, once she’s regained some composure. She buries her flaming face in her sweaty palms.

Kara’s laughter dies down and Lena forces herself to lift her face from her hands and look Kara, guiltily, in the eyes. But rather than hurt or anger, Kara wears a calculating expression.

“Which ones?” she asks, leaning back in her seat and crossing her arms, “Because, you know… we could actually make this happen.”

And Lena’s mind whites out so completely that she stares at Kara for long seconds, just trying to catch up to the place this conversation has wandered to. Kara’s forehead crumples adorably, in confusion. And there’s really only one logical course of action. So Lena clears her throat, swallows and glances away, casually. So casually.

“I mean,” she replies, so very casually, “I wouldn’t be opposed.”