Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Today's subject," a hand slammed against the recently brought whiteboard. "Children."

Teruko groaned, lying against the table. Tachihara was honestly surprised at the strong reaction. Usually, Teruko would nod jovially at whatever her Captain said, even if he was talking about projectile vomiting all over a stray cat that was recently orphaned. 

"But captainnnn! We don't want to learn about Sex Ed again!" She pouted, crossing her arms.

"I second that." Tachihara raised his hand hesitantly. It was always 50/50 if he would be mauled or defenestrated whenever he interrupted a conversation between Teruko and Fukuchi.

"I do as well." Jouno leaned against his chair.

"Me too." Tecchou crossed his legs, looking anywhere but Jouno. Word of mouth said that the duo had fought again while on a mission. Not like this was a surprise, but judging by the Barbie band-aids still plastered upon each of their faces, this fight was definitely more severe.

Fukuchi gasped in surprise, grabbing his shirt where his heart was. "Gah! You all wound me. I've never gone up against all of you!" He fell back on his chair dramatically. Tachihara wanted to sigh.

Honestly… Captain… How am I supposed to respect this?

"It's not like I enjoy going against your orders, Captain. But the subject of children for the seventh time this month?" Teruko chugged her black coffee without a twitch. How anyone could drink their coffee black was beyond him.

"It's different this time, Teruko-kun! I swear!" Fukuchi flipped the board to the other side, where it had a terribly drawn image of his superiors. Jouno and Tecchou stared at their portraits with blank faces.

"We are the Hunting Dogs." He stood up again, glancing at everyone for a few seconds. "Like dogs, we hunt in packs, never fighting, never wavering. When we fight, we fight as one. We share our prey and thoughts." The Captain slammed his fist against the board, causing Tachihara to flinch.

"Yet there seems to be some members who don't understand that. Jouno-kun. Tecchou-kun." They sprung from their feet, a perfect salute at the ready. "I hope you understand that infighting is unacceptable. How are we meant to have the same thoughts and minds if we're still hung up on a petty squabble?" His leader clenched his fist and then brought it back to his side. 

"That's when I thought: Well, what do most people do when fighting? I mean, they always say that a baby brings peace."

Oh. Oh no. 

Teruko snorted. "Good luck, you two. I truly pity you."

Tecchou's eyes widened. "You couldn't mean–"

Jouno's mouth gaped. "Commander, please no–"

"That's right!" Fukuchi laughed. "You're getting pregnant!"

All hell broke loose.

Jouno cleaned stray glass fragments off his coat. He sighed, walking through the streets of Yokohama. By his side was Tecchou, nursing a cup of soy sauce latte. Disgusting. 

"Honesty," he sighed, looking at the city's alleyways. "The commander could have worded that better."

"It was funny."

"Just because it's funny doesn't make it okay!"

The duo stopped at a crosswalk, Jouno having to grab Tecchou by the collar to stop him from walking right into a car.

Fukuchi had given them both indefinite time off until they "calmed down and birthed a child." Thanking the devil, it didn't have to be their biological baby. For all Fukuchi knew, they could steal someone's well-mannered kid from a park, come back and show him their new possession, then chuck the kid at a trash bin and hope he got recycled into a garbage block. He snorted at the mental image. Then, he sneered when he remembered who was next to him.

"So what now," Tecchou said conversationally. He was still staring at his damn latte, and devil did Jouno just want to throw it at the elderly. Or just someone in general. It was in his nature to ruin at least one person's day.

"We take a kid and call it a day." Jouno rolled his eyes and stepped to the crosswalk when the light flickered green.

Tecchou frowned. "We are not stealing a child."

He shrugged. "Easiest way." The idiot opened his mouth. "And do not think to say we should adopt. I would rather go to America and eat at their McDonalds than put my name anywhere near yours in a legal manner." He promptly closed it.

"Well, I heard there is a high orphan rate here."

"Okay, and?"

Tecchou stared at him. Jouno stared back. Cars behind him honked for them to move. They kept staring.

"Hi, misters!" Jouno did not jump. Whoever said such blatant lies would be immediately murdered.

"Haha, you jumped!" 

Jouno glared at the petite child. He was slightly less than shoulder level to him, with a black seifuku and a satchel about to explode from the amount of things in it. He had choppy dark hair and shit. He looked like an exact replica of the two of them! Jouno's closed eyes, Tecchou's black hair, and even what he was wearing were similar! The hell kind of voodoo shit was this?!

"Baha! It's so funny seeing your faces!" The boy bent over, almost falling to the floor as he clutched his stomach in laughter. Jouno glanced back at Tecchou, who glanced back at Jouno. Like a singular unit, they continued on the crosswalk.

"Hey hey hey, wait!" He scrambled after them.

Do I punt him to Saturn? He said with his eyes to Tecchou.

No. He said back.

And if he keeps following us?

Then we'll just find his parents.

"I don't have any!" He panted out, clutching his knees on the other side of the street. The brat was grabbing onto Tecchou's cape. 

How annoying.

Jouno, no.

Jouno, yes.

His companion bent to one knee, unsubtly pushing the ravenette a meter away. "Don't have any what?"

"Oh right, I'm Ranpo Edogawa! I don't have any parents, is what I'm saying." Jouno's pity meter for the day got its first point out of five.

"That's rough, buddy." Tecchou patted Ranpo's shoulder and got up to continue searching for what was right before him. Jouno was starting to form an idea.

"That's not the point– well, maybe it is. Listen, you're looking for a kid, right?"

He placed his hand on his hip, right above his sword. "And how do you know that?"

The boy rolled his eyes. "How wouldn't I? I'm honestly just lucky I got here first."

"Answer the question." He let his blade glint in the morning sunlight. Ranpo flinched.

"R-Right. So, uhm, you guys are government workers, right? Your uniforms are some that I saw when I was growing up. Since you both can hold conversations at a glance, it must mean you're partners. You'd get paired together for missions often, and since you're both strong, you wouldn't let just anyone hurt you. They wouldn't be able to. Then it'd have to be someone of equal or greater strength, and you wouldn't be sent out if it were someone stronger than you both are; there aren't many people out there that can fit the criteria." Ranpo rummaged through his bag, taking out a half-eaten apple and chewing it.

"Which means you two would have had to be fighting each other. Teams aren't supposed to fight, though. You must be out on a punishment, right? And what better thing to bring a tattered marriage back together than with a baby?"

"We're not married!"

Jouno shouted while Tecchou grimaced at the thought.

"Uh-huh. Maybe your superpower is denial." Ranpo crossed his arm petulantly, throwing the apple core behind him right into traffic. At least 15 cars honked as a pile-up ensued before Jouno's eyes. Ranpo eeped and dropped when a car door flew at his torso.

"What say you we leave, Tecchou-san?"

"Much obliged, Jouno."

They walked off together, ignoring the screams of passerby as this was not their problem. Was it out of character for Tecchou to simply turn his back on such a large issue? Probably. Did Jouno care why? No. Not at all.

(It was because the ambulance was right around the corner.)

"W-Wait, don't leave me here, guys!"

They left him there.

"So what you're trying to say is that you want to become our… child?" Jouno's face contorted to disgust at the word. Ew, children. He could never have imagined becoming a father, yet he was considering Ranpo's offer. It wasn't like this opportunity was common; what brat offered to be a son-for-hire.

"Mmhm." The boy bummed out, mouth still full of red beans. Red beans that he was only eating and leaving the damn mochi because he was an obnoxious brat. Tecchou dutifully began to pick up the leftovers in the bowls but gave up after round 3.

"Just like that? I'm sure you know that this will not be easy. You'll be monitored as you're a penniless orphan who was rescued. No same person would just let such a person walk off without being a bit watched." Tecchou asked, sipping his msg water. Disgusting, absolutely revolting. Forget any chances of them making up. It would never happen.

Ranpo swallowed his red beans and then took a sip of hot cocoa. "Yeah, I know. But it sure beats living on the streets."

Well, that was fair.

Jouno sighed, signaling for the bill with a quick hand raise.

"I suppose you're "hired," then." What's the worst that could happen? 

Ranpo jumped from his seat, running around the restaurant and yelling yippee. He stopped at a table. "Guess what, you guys? I just got adopted, woohoo!"

"You're not adopted!" He shouted to the boy, getting up and chasing after him.

Tecchou sipped on his water.

Where is the receipt? The child needed to be returned immediately.

"Whoa, ants! They're so cool, Tecchou-san!"

"Mhm." 

Ranpo and Tecchou crouched near a hole in the concrete, observing the worker ants carrying small bits of food to their queen. The Hunting Dogs needed to become like those ants, capable of following orders as if they were born with them. It was why he and Jouno had gone out to get a child who was quite similar to him in his love for ants.

Jouno stomped his foot on the floor. "Can we get going? I need a bath now." Seeing their inactivity, the man marched up behind him and grabbed them both from their collars, tugging them into the building.

"Gah—Jouno-san! You're choking me—!"

"Good."

"That's just mean, Jouno-san." 

"Good."

Well, that was that.

Once they were both inside, his partner released his death grip on them and looked down to glare at them. Any worker who saw the image immediately fled—for good reason—so the new "family" was alone.

"Now," he said, crossing his arms, "Ranpo-kun."

"Ranpo-kun, desu."

"We're going to now set up some ground rules—"

Ranpo flopped onto his back, waving his arms around like a child throwing a tantrum. It was at this moment that Tecchou realized what he was getting into. This being was now his responsibility. He'd have to feed it, take it on walks, and make a house for it to live in his backyard.

"Rules!? I hate rules! Gah, terrible, terrible, absolutely terrible!"

Tecchou inched away from the flailing brat before standing up next to Jouno. If there was one thing they could both agree on, it was that this boy needed to learn manners or something.

Jouno stomped on Ranpo's foot, letting him yelp before interrupting his pouting.

"Ranpo-kun. There will be no more of… that as long as you remain here, got it?"

Ranpo rolled his eyes, sitting up and shimmying his foot from under Jouno's.

"Great, another dictatorship." The ravenette jumped to his feet, walking past the duo. Tecchou watched wordlessly as the child looked at the building in wonder. Jouno sputtered, stomping his foot and storming after him. Tecchou wondered what he should eat today.

Eggs with half-and-half cream, or broccoli and moldy cheese…

"—dare you think you can just walk away from us!? I'll have you know that—"

Red bell peppers dipped in fruit punch Gatorade… Teriyaki beef and Brisk iced tea…

"—And what did we just tell you about what you can and cannot do, right Tecchou-san? Tecchou?"

"Yes."

What about drinks?

Ranpo turned on his heel, a sly smile on his face.

"You both don't get to tell me to do anything. And you know why? Because you all need me more than I do. Now, if you'll excuse me," he faux yawned, continuing on his destructive path. "I have a quality bed to sleep on." Ranpo waved behind him. "Toodle-loo!"

Jouno grit his teeth and screamed.

As the troublesome two entered the meeting room, Tachihara muttered a quick, holy shit, they actually did it. 

They swiftly returned with a whole-ass kid, just like they said they would. And the crazy thing was: it looked just like them!

"Did you both get hit with a pregnancy ability or something?" Teruko asked, staring at the new entity with wonder that would befit someone like her. Of course, she'd never actually seen a child face to face! Either they would run off crying or lose the ability to do that. Tachihara shuddered at the thought of an eight-year-old missing her legs because Teruko had found her annoying.

Tachihara had to agree, though. "Jouno-san's state of eyes—lack thereof, in his case— his smile that's just a bit creepy, and Tecchou's crusty haircut." He nodded. Yes, he could see it.

"He's not our kid!" They both yelled, taking a seat and grabbing the spare Dollar General plastic chair with a broken leg for the definitely-not-biological child. 

The door crashed open with Fukuchi's arrival. 

"Yo." The kid said.

Fukuchi screeched.

"I see you decided to get yourselves laid, Jouno-kun, Tecchou-kun." Fukuchi rubbed his mustache—Tachihara didn't dare say it looked like a rat's tail—between his fingers and nodded. "Good. I was wondering when it would happen."

"Oh, for the last time!" Jouno slammed his hand on the table while Tecchou passed the child a boiled egg. "He is not our child."

The commander sighed. Teruko took out a bag of popcorn, passing a few kernels to Tachihara who silently thanked her. 

"The drama is getting good," she whispered. He nodded enthusiastically. After returning from the insanity that was good ol' Amur'ka, sitting back, relaxing, and watching his superiors lose their shit was nice.

"Oh, Jouno-kun, I understand being a teenage parent is tough—"

"I'm not even a teen—!"

"But you need to face the facts." The gray-haired man gestured toward the youngin. "He is now yours: nothing you do can change it." He shrugged.

Jouno huffed but sat back down. "Well, Ranpo-kun, not going to introduce yourself?"

"Well, you adults were blabbering about boring things. I obviously fell asleep." 'Ranpo' sprung up from his seat. "Edogawa Ranpo, you all are blessed to be meeting me, Baha!" 

Oh great, he was a chuuni.

"Welcome to the family, Ranpo-kun!" Fukuchi laughed, taking a swig from his alcohol and arm raised expectantly for a handshake.

A moment passed.

Then two.

"Brat, don't you dare disrespect the commander by—"

"What did I just get myself into," Tachihara barely heard Ranpo mutter before smiling brightly and taking his hand. "Thanks, old man!"

He sputtered. "I am not old—"

"You're already one foot in the grave—"

"No, I'm not!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh! And your mustache is ugly. Chop it off, old man!" Ranpo crossed his arms, pouting. Jouno delivered a reprimanding chop to his head.

"We are so sorry, commander—"

"No, I'm not—"

"You shut it!" He responded through gritted teeth.

Fukuchi gaped. He turned his gaze towards everyone in the room, the silence heavy on Tachihara's shoulders.

"Do you guys… honestly believe my mustache is ugly…?" He muttered, lightly touching the offending hair.

"Of course not! It's a very… defining feature for you, Captain!"

Tachihara jumped in to defend it. "Yeah, it really has personality!"

"It's so impeccably perfect on your naturally wise face, Captain!" Teruko swooned, the only person in the room that wasn't lying. Other than the hell gremlin Ranpo, of course.

"They're saying it's ugly, by the way." Ranpo took out a lolli from his mouth that he got from who knows where pointing it at the mustache held together by a few strands. It hurt to look at.

"No, we're not!"

For the next half hour, they had to reassure Fukuchi that the stache wasn't terrible and that he shouldn't just take a switchblade and chop off all his hair. No, Tachihara was not laughing at what Ranpo said, "If you take off your hair, you'll look like Mr. Clean." Of course not. That would be highly disrespectful and inappropriate for the mood.

Tachihara snorted, covering it up with a cough. With how Ranpo smirked, he was not doing a very good job.

Chapter Text

At the ripe hour of 4 in the morning, Teruko strolled down the halls, whistling a very merry tune. It was a song about the murder of thousands of innocents! What fun! 

Teruko woke up before the sun rose to get in early training. Afterward, she’d go to her favorite room and have fun. Ever since her last playmate broke, it’d been a bit lonely. No one else had been able to compare. However, there was one criminal that held potential. It brightened her spirits, causing her to wake up a bit earlier than usual.

Passing by open and closed doors, she tensed when she heard shuffling in a nearby room. Hand clasped tightly around her grip, the red-head inched around the corner, pulling out the blade and pointing its tip at—

A child. A child who flinched, dropping whatever he’d gotten from the kitchen. A few slices of bread, a small box of cereal, and some mochi Tachihara had yet to finish.

Ranpo’s eyes widened, and he took a step back. Teruko took a step forward to compensate, finally having the chance to thoroughly inspect the kid. The whirlwind of previous events meant she couldn’t fully dissect him based on looks, but looking at him now, only one word screamed in her mind: poor. Ripped clothes with the hemlines frayed; bruising from areas where she could see—he wore a uniform, what else was he hiding—and his panicked demeanor. It seemed the troublesome two had brought in a stray. What fun.

“S-sorry!” He mumbled, fumbling to pick up what he had dropped and swiftly depositing it on the table. “I just thought that if—”

Teruko inspected her blade, cutting the teen off. “It seems we have a thief on our hands. What should I do? Report you to the Captain and have him cut off your hands so you can no longer steal? Perhaps you’ll be my new plaything.” She wanted to see how he reacted, just as she thought.

His pupils shrank into pinpricks, shaking so badly Teruko believed he would fall over.

“N-No! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I’ll just leave everything here, I swear, so don’t—”

Her sword cleanly sliced through the floor in front of Ranpo. “Are you mocking the Hunting Dogs? Do you believe we’ll cry or complain over a few slices of bread going missing?”

“No, but—”

“Take your damn loaf, and don’t you dare think we’ll miss such small things going missing. Take whatever you want; we don’t give a damn! It won’t impact us unless that’s what you’re implying?” She growled, grabbing a nearby granola bar and trail mix and dropping them near Ranpo. His feet stayed rooted to the ground in uncertainty. She tapped her foot against the floor, anger bubbling up again so she could yell. He took that as his cue to pick up the items and scurry out, but not before saying a soft thank you to her.

Honestly, kids this generation! Teruko made a mental reminder to go to the store and pick up a few more groceries. She skipped in the direction she initially headed. Word had it of a criminal named Jack Horner, who'd suddenly appeared. He sounded like so much fun!

The training room was as lovely as ever, Tecchou noted. There was the gym equipment over at the far end—that he hadn’t used yet—the weight lifting area and accessible space for miscellaneous workouts. He was warming up with four hundred twenty pushups when the door slammed open. The handle stuck into the wall.

“Ah,” he said, staring at the intruder for .2 seconds before raising himself back up.

“Ah,” Ranpo said, staring at the room he most likely didn’t mean to enter. “Hey, Tecchou-san?”

“Yes, Ranpo-kun?" He asked, finishing his last few pushups at record speed.

“Where’s the theater room?”

He tilted his head and crossed his legs. “Theater room? We don’t have that here.”

“What!? But don’t all rich people have theater rooms?” He stomped his foot, pouting. Tecchou thought he looked distinctly similar to Jouno.

“This is the headquarters for a government-operated elite military squad. Not sure why we’d have that here.”

“0 out of 5 stars on Yelp for you then!” He huffed, going to sit beside Tecchou. He just stared at the boy.

“I wanna watch YouTube.” He stuck out his hand expectantly.

“Okay.” Digging his phone out of his pocket, Tecchou placed it into Ranpo’s hand and started a new set. “Can you sit on my back?”

“Huh?”

“I need extra weight,” he explained, lowering himself so it was easier. “You sitting on me should be good enough.”

“Uh, okay?” Ranpo plopped down on Tecchou’s back. “I'm gonna download a game! You have none. How could you! Not even Subway Surfers or Roblox, geez," he muttered.

Tecchou had no idea what those were but nodded anyway. 

Jouno stood at the doorway when he arrived for a few seconds, later in the day. Ranpo continued clicking his tile game he started to obsess over, ranting all about it to Tecchou, who made hums of agreement at the right time.

“Tecchou-san! Take me out for ice cream afterward?”

“Only if you sit on my shoulders.”

The added weight would be beneficial to his strength training. Ranpo’s noises of excitement did nothing to his decision.

“AHH!” Tachihara jumped when a white-cloaked figure jumped right next to him, revving their chainsaw that, on second glance, was made of plastic. Ranpo started crying, clutching his shirt and digging his face into the material.

See, it started like this:

“Huh, Halloween’s coming up.” He had absentmindedly said, watching another video on preparing fake blood that popped up on his feed.

The new addition to Jouno and Tecchou’s family pipped up beside him. “I can’t wait to get a lot of candy!”

“What are you, five!?”

He huffed. “Candy grabbing is allowed through all ages! Don’t you ask Teruko-san to change your age so it’s more “societally acceptable” to Trick or Treat?”

“How do you know that!?” He hissed, making sure no one was around them. He made a small mental note that, for some reason, Ranpo had started addressing a few of his elders a bit more fondly. It puzzled him a bit, but he didn’t stress much.

Ranpo rolled his eyes. “It’s obvious, not like it’s a secret or anything.”

Oh god, did everyone seriously know and not tell him? How embarrassing! (It's not like he would stop, but still, absolutely mortifying.)

“Well,” he cleared his throat. “Do you have anything planned, Ranpo-kun?” 

“I’m going to go Trick-or-Treating with Tecchou-san!” He replied cheerfully, throwing a fist into the air. 

“What are you going to be, then?”

“A witch.” He grinned. Tachihara pitied whoever the boy encountered. That smile meant nothing good.

“Alright then, but uh,” how was he supposed to phrase this? “Would you like to go with me to a haunted house?” Tachihara muttered, embarrassment coating his cheek a light pink.

“Haunted house? Why?”

Ranpo, the damn brat, already knew why. Tachihara had no one else to go with, okay!? Jouno and Teruko ruined the fun, scaring the scarers back twice as hard. Tecchou just stared blankly, and he would never ask Fukuchi to go out with him! At least if he went with Ranpo, it wouldn’t look so lonely. Besides, he could tease the kid afterward for being so frightened! It was the best plan.

“Well, as your elder, I need to make an effort to ensure you’re happy and go out, right?” This part was only a little true, so imagine his surprise when Ranpo’s eyes widened as if no one had ever said that to him. No, Tachihara’s heart did not melt. He did not feel for the kid, as the inferior brother to an incredible man who died too early. As the brother who was never looked out for as a child, often neglected or demeaned for not being like his older sibling. 

“I guess…”

“Then get ready in a bit. Take off that uniform, too; it’s probably moldy.”

“Okay!”

When they arrived at the place, they teased each other about who would scream first. Spoiler alert: it was a twin shriek of fear when the first monster jumped them. Tachihara would have run if the damn brat wasn’t clinging to him like dead weight! He couldn’t shake the sticky 13-year-old off him! What he had to do instead was drag the kid with him as they slowly traversed the halls, tears leaking out of both their eyes.

“AHHH!” They blurted when a zombie went on all fours right beside them. Micheal Myers went right up to Ranpo’s face. 

Ranpo sobbed when his knife stopped right before his cheek, Tachihara turning their walk into a jog, then into a run when an eight-foot-tall clown chased them.

“Get off me!”

“I dun’ wanna!”

The exit was almost there! They were almost out! Tachihara rejoiced early. Their speed caused them to run into a fellow Halloween enjoyer dressed as a pinto bean in a Christmas tree. Their fumbling caused them to fall into the tarp, masking the exit and dropping the foundation of the haunted house onto anyone inside. Genuine screams of horror sounded before it was dreadfully silent.

Tachihara looked at Ranpo. Ranpo looked at Tachihara. The pinto bean man looked at both of them. In a bond of manhood that would never be capable of replicating, the three of them came to an agreement: this is not our problem.

They stopped by an ice cream store with a deal for the upcoming holiday.

“Wow, you really seem to get us!” Tachihara said in between spoons of pecan praline. 

“I never thought I’d see another person so invested in birds!” The man said.

“It’s the opposite!” Ranpo sneered, shoving a scoop of cotton candy flavor into his mouth. “I hate seagulls! Hate them! H. A. T. E. Them!”

“Sure, sure.” He waved a hand flippantly.

“What’s your name anyways, dude?”

The light-haired man smiled. Tachihara thought it looked a bit like a turtle. “Nikolai Gogol. You all can call me Nikolai.”

(“Why are you dressed as a bean in a Christmas tree?”

“Why not!”

“He lost a bet.”

“Wha—!? How did you know!? Don’t ignore me! How did you know? Ranpo-kun—”)

When Fukuchi said, “Go and get a child, " he never expected Jouno and Tecchou to get one. He just assumed they would give up and report home after a day or two. Their loyalty to his orders was comforting, but he needed their stifling presence off his back to continue plotting with the Decay Of Angels.

He’d sent Teruko out on a mission. Tachihara was visiting America for their “Wild Wild West aesthetic” he’d “seen off X.” The boy didn’t actually say X, but that’s what it was formally called now based on the information from Firefox.

In no way would Ranpo be a foil to his plans, but he still hadn’t gotten used to the annoying presence of a young adolescent. For whatever reason, though, the boy seemed intent on avoiding him. Perhaps it was just that his masculine charm made the kid jealous?

The unexpected happened a few weeks into his stay. 

Fukuchi was filling out reports, the worst part of any job. Signature here, stamp there, picture of his adorable face when doing a peace sign occasionally.

“You.” A squeaky voice startled him. He dropped his camera right when he clicked it. The only image printed out was a blur, with two distinct glowing eyes behind him.

He shrieked, looking at the photo and mourning the ink and film he would have to buy more. Fukuchi turned around to find himself face to face with the pipsqueak, holding a bag of chips. A bag that, upon further inspection, was completely empty. Oops. So perhaps he’d gotten the munchies while drunk yesterday; sue him!

“How dare you eat my chips, you ugly ass old man.” For the first time since Fukuchi was introduced, Ranpo opened his eyes, a bright pair of emerald orbs burning holes into his body. 

There’s nothing to be afraid of! He’s a small boy, abilityless, and I could easily beat him in a fight!

Why couldn’t he convince himself of these facts!?

“W-Why Ranpo-kun, I find it rude that you are so easily pinning the blame on me. Did you ask Tachihara-kun? Or maybe uh… Tecchou-kun…?” Fukuchi raised his hands, clearly indicating harmlessness. Ranpo simply slapped them away, going to grab at his uniform collar. “I don’t care who or what you affiliate with, but if you ever think to eat my chips again, there will be hell to pay.” With a surprising grip, Ranpo tightened his hold until he almost choked.

“Got it?” He growled, the pair of jade emanating an almost toxic aura.

“Y-yes!” He coughed out, finally gaining breath after he let go.

Fukuchi almost got whiplash when Ranpo regained his cheery and bratty demeanor. “Yay! Thanks, old man! I’ll be off now then, bye-bye~!”

Why would anyone ever want this as their kid!? Jouno, Tecchou, what the hell were you thinking?

(Yes, he got 9 hours of sleep that night. No, he was not haunted by a 13-year-old. That’s crazy.)

Jouno heard a low voice through the walls, and the sound of a heartbeat increased. Rushing to the crime scene or whatever happened, imagine his surprise when he saw Ranpo, of all people, merrily walking away from the Captain’s office. There was a crushed-up and empty bag of chips. Discarded. Right in front of the door.

Anger surging through his veins, he stomped over to the damn brat.

“Ranpo-kun!” He shouted, righteously relishing in the flinch he made. “How dare you trash the Captain’s door! That is highly disrespectful and—”

Ranpo shrugged. “He ate my chips. I don’t see what the problem is.” 

“The problem is that you’re overstepping your boundaries! No one else does such disrespectful actions. What makes you think you have the right to?”

Ranpo stared for a few seconds before tightening his jaw and glaring. “Fine! I’ll get out of your sight if you leave me alone!” He stomped off, a few heads peeking through their doors to see the commotion.

“Nothing to see here, folks.” He grits out. “Nothing to see.”

Honestly! Kids! Who knew they were so disobedient?

For what wasn’t the first time that day, he wished he was never a parent.

“Ranpo-kun?” Tecchou parroted while chewing on a cardboard spoon. “He’s a nice kid. Helps to clean my room if I tell him there’s something to get for it.” He shrugged. “I don’t see what your issue is with him.”

“He brainwashed you! Do you remember what we said when we started this?”

“Uh, no.” 

Jouno narrowed his eyes at his partner. “Since when have you liked him anyways, Tecchou?”

“Who’re you guys talking about?” Teruko walked into the room, holding a kitten by the nape— wait, holding a kitten by the scruff!?

“Teruko-san… why are you holding a cat?” He said slowly.

“Ranpo-kun saw her on the side of the road while walking with me. Wanted me to feed her.” She opened the fridge door with her foot, grabbed the chicken, and closed it.

Ranpo-kun this, Ranpo-kun that, it was like he was invading their lives!

“And what’s wrong with you, Jouno-kun?” Teruko politely and non-threateningly asked, cutting the meat with her sword and placing it on a cow-themed plastic plate.

“Nothing.” He grits out, stomping out of the room. 

Since when was Ranpo so important to everyone? It’d been only a few weeks, and he’d managed to worm his way into Teruko’s heart. Teruko’s!

Jouno could never imagine having such a close personal bond. Ranpo was simply a means to an end, a way to get a job done. 

He headed outside to the koi pond, hoping no one would approach him, asking to finish the paperwork. How was he supposed to sign something if he couldn’t see?

He sensed a familiar heartbeat: a laid-back, calm trek of noise and short puffs of breaths in the cold morning. Upon hearing footsteps, the boy jumped, throwing the watermelon block at him. Ranpo scurried back while Jouno quickly caught the fruit with his sword. No way was he grabbing that sticky mess with his white glove.

“Trying to throw food at me now?” He teased, crouching and cutting up the slice of summertime fruit with his katana, then impaling one and tossing it carelessly into the lake. The spotted fish crowded the new food area, each trying to get their own bites. Ranpo heaved in breaths, returning to his spot and playing with his cape. Had anyone taken the boy shopping within the weeks he had stayed here? Anyone!?

“Dunno why you're asking,” Ranpo mumbled, white puffs of fog exiting his mouth. “But Tachihara-san took me out to get new clothes the first week I stayed here. I just prefer this one, I guess.” He shrugged. In his thin uniform, he looked cold. Jouno remembered being cold before he started his group. 

Jouno sighed, unclipping his cape and draping it over Ranpo’s small frame. “I am not dealing with a snot-nosed brat if you get sick.”

“I assumed you wouldn’t take care of me at all, Jouno-san.” He picked up a slice of watermelon and tossed it into the water.

He rolled his eyes. “It seems no one here knows how to properly raise a child—“ 

“And you do?”

“Not the point. I’m the most responsible out of all the hunting dogs.” He chuckled, thinking about his idiots of coworkers.

“Really? I don’t believe it.” Ranpo replied, picking up a chunk, brushing off the dirt, and placing it in his mouth. Fifty-five billion red flags shot up in Jouno’s brain.

“Get that out of your mouth right now, or so help me!” He tackled the boy to the floor, trying to pry his mouth open. Were all kids this stupid!?

“Nuh-uh!”

“If you don’t, I will kick your cat out!”

Ranpo stopped protesting immediately, spitting it out and wiping his mouth with his sleeve. “That means we can keep him?”

“What—no!”

“That’s what you said!”

“No, I didn’t!”

“Nuh-uh!”

“Fuck you mean, nuh-uh! Ranpo-kun, my decision is final! We are not keeping that cat!”

They decided to name him Sugu, a very polite cat, all things considered. The brat, though? Not so much.

“Told you you’d like him~”

“Lord help me, Ranpo-kun. If I weren’t busy feeding him, I would maim you.”

“No.”

“No,” Tecchou added.

The Hunting Dogs were an elite unit of ability users, each able to take down a hundred—if not a thousand—with ease. The Hunting Dogs were famed, prestigious, and wealthy. How could they hire a nanny if they ended up having ulterior motives? 

Ranpo sat on a chair in the back of the tent, legs on the seat as he tapped away on Tecchou’s phone, a silly little moving tile game. There was faint music from the phone as the boy broke his earphones trying to drink juice like a cup.

“When we break through the frontier, we can cut them out of their resources, destroying morale and their reason to fight.” Fukuchi pointed at each spot on the map, drawing X’s where they were to enter the battle. The plan, as detailed, was to eliminate an enemy country’s growing army before it became too strong. Based on the information, they would be recruiting ability users soon. 

“As always, a plan well made by the Captain!” Teruko gushed, rereading the transcription of the soldier she had tortured. 

Tecchou turned to him, head gesturing towards Ranpo.

Should he really be hearing this?

Jouno shrugged. He’ll be fine. Ranpo-kun should get used to things like this.

His partner hummed. Alright.

Everyone instinctively turned when they heard the click of flats on the stone floor. Ranpo approached the map and stared at it.

“...Ranpo-kun?” He said, trying to pull the boy back to his seat. Jouno would not let himself live if the boy he had “adopted” ruined an important meeting.

“Do you want everyone there to die?” Ranpo tilted his head in confusion to Fukuchi, who just stared. “I mean, considering your past, I guess not. But like… I really don’t know!” He sighed in exasperation.

“Ranpo-kun, explain.”

“What is there to explain? It's clear to see–”

“Explain.”

He wanted to mutter an apology or something when he flinched, then hesitantly started speaking.

“Well… The information Teruko-san got is false. The soldier had said that to save his own hide because he bet on his comrades being able to detonate themselves on time. There was an increased import of bombs, right? You all thought it was because they’d developed new technology to shoot them. Instead, they’re planning a kamikaze.” He pointed to the enemy line. “When you break through their enemy line, they’ll go in through the back and all detonate the bombs they have placed around them, and while you all would be fine, they wouldn’t be. Their families were held hostage, so some members were forced to join. You’re trying to do this as cleanly as possible, right?” When he didn’t hear anyone, Ranpo continued. “You’ll want to get to the leader who is located right…” Ranpo placed his hand on his chin, “There.” Finger on a deli store, miles away from the battle zone. “Then, the higher-ups that will be farthest from the battle, and then the device that detonates the bombs.”

The Hunting Dogs were silent, all processing the information. Had they gone in, the fight would have been a big disaster, a stain on the prestigious reputation of their group. Instead, Ranpo Edogawa, 13 and newly plucked from the streets, had removed the plan and revamped it so there were few casualties. 

What he had said, though… “it’s clear to see,” or “Dunno why you’re asking,” Did he not know of his intelligence?

That was… concerning. But if Ranpo's parents–whom he held dearly to his heart–couldn’t teach him, how could Jouno?

The interrogation room was as musty as ever. Water dripped from a leaky faucet, forming puddles that Jouno stepped over. In the middle of the room was a still figure, a cloth covering his face soaked with water.

“We’ve gotten intel from our friend here,” Jouno gestured to the man, who didn’t make a single sound. He glanced at Ranpo, who was inspecting the room thoroughly. “But, we’re not sure it’s all correct.”

“Why are you asking me, stop with your lame excuses of ‘dunno if correct,’ just cuz you’re lazy!” Ranpo scraped a chair on the floor, dragging it and causing this terrible screech. “Of course, it’s all a lie!” He plopped down on it right in front of the war criminal. “He’s doing this because if you go there, you’ll die.” Fetching out a water flask from his pocket, he took off the towel to reveal a bruised man with various cuts across his face. “Isn’t that right, mister?”

He whimpered, edging away from the water. Good, Jouno thought. Let this man be afraid; it was what should happen after being waterboarded for the past 35 hours.

“And you’re not even afraid of water!” Ranpo nudged the man with the toe of his shoe, sneering at the blood. He opened his water and let the prisoner drink it greedily. “All he wants you to do is go to the location that he directed you to, which is where the lower ranking members—the ones that weren’t on duty or who escaped—are being held. What he said was that it was just higher-ups.” He mimicked an explosion. “Bam! Everyone there dead from the neck up, dead from the neck down.” 

Jouno watched silently as the kid took out a lighter. Who knows who gave it to him (it was Teruko, there was no chance it wasn’t) and flashed it at the man’s face. “You’re not afraid of water, yeah?” He whispered. Jouno, in shock and approval, saw how his face contorted, his breaths coming out in puffs. “Jouno-san, you’ll get the real info in no time if you use some fire methods, haha!” He dropped his metal water bottle on the war criminal's face.

“No, no, no, no, no!” He yelled, thrashing around in his bindings. “Please, anything but that!”

Ranpo swiftly turned around before Jouno could silence the fool. “You wanted to hurt the Hunting Dogs. That is something I will never forgive.” He slammed the door behind him and stormed out.

Jouno sighed, preparing to remove the cuffs that were locking him onto the floor. “Teenagers, right? So moody, and for what reason?” Clear to see…

Well, Ranpo did have a damn good reason, he supposed.

Chapter Text

Everything building up came to a head soon after. Too soon, Jouno wanted to add. 

Tecchou was away on a quest to find ‘Cheese flavored soda,’ so it was just him and Ranpo in their little make-believe family. 

True to his partner’s word, Ranpo did help out a bit. He assisted in confirming information and thought of new, more brutal ways to get it. It was like he was a perfect fit for the Hunting Dogs. Tachihara and Ranpo bonded well enough, teasing coming from both sides. Teruko acted like an older sister around the boy and loved whatever plans he came up with regarding their interrogation room. Tecchou spoiled Ranpo with candies and drinks; together, they’d try whatever new concoction came to mind. Fukuchi was an annoying older man to the thirteen-year-old. But where did Jouno fit into all that? He was simply Jouno, incapable of caring for others.

Yet why was Ranpo holding on to him like glue?

“We gotta go that way, Jouno-san! That way! No, no, no,  that  way!” Ranpo tugged on his arm, leading him towards the mall center in Yokohama. Every few seconds, he’d pull him in a different direction.

“Ranpo-kun, which way? You’ve been telling me the same thing for over fifteen minutes!” He said, fed up with Ranpo’s indecision. “Do you want to go here or to Motomachi?”

He stopped. Placing his hand on his chin, he said, “Hmm… Hmmm. Hmmmmmm. Hmmmmmmm–”

“Ranpo.”

“Here, haha!” And they were off again.

They bought five shoes for Ranpo, a frog hat, seventeen M&M’s, and seven child-proof locks. 

“ Yosh , that should be everything now…” Jouno placed the last item in his basket, turning over his shoulder to shout at Ranpo for leaving–the last time he left, Jouno stayed looking for  hours – when he noticed the boy approaching two individuals. A young adult with silk-colored hair and a boy with blonde hair were crowding over a bald man who had just screamed danger. Either the blonde was an oblivious idiot, or he was used to that because he continued speaking amicably with the older man. 

Jouno huffed, following Ranpo to chastise him– again –about the dangers of wandering off without telling anybody. Who knew what Teruko would do to him if he lost the boy! 

( Jouno ignored the pang in his chest at the thought of a life without the child he’d grown to care about. )

“Ranpo-kun, we’ve talked about this! Don’t leave my side when we’re out shopping!” He frowned, going for his collar, and dodged out of the way with surprising ease.

“Hey, Jouno-san,” he said with a low voice. Jouno’s eyebrows knitted. 

That’s… Strange. Ranpo never speaks seriously?

“Yes, Ranpo-kun?”

“Aren’t they detectives?” Ranpo turned to him, pointing–very rude!-- at the odd pair. 

“I don’t know.” He replied honestly. Why would he care about a few detectives?

He breathed heavily, muttering, “Of course, you don’t,” under his breath. “Well, I’ve seen them in an ad before. They were framed like the male harem choices in a shitty visual novel game. What I don’t understand,” Ranpo grits out, tightening his fist. “Is why they can’t do their  job  properly!” The teen stomped his foot.

“Ranpo-kun, we shouldn’t be making a scene.” He tried to drag the unruly child. 

Why is he acting like such a brat?

“No!” Ranpo stayed rooted to his spot, staring at the detectives who started to notice the rising volume of his kid. “I’m done with this place, and this society and everything! What happened is obvious, but no one else is pointing it out!” 

“Ranpo–”

“Why do these people get paid to be so incompetent! Why do you act like there’s no criminal before you!” He was screaming now, chest hiking up and down in a lame attempt to breathe. The pair and bald man turned around mid-sentence, staring at them in confusion. “I hate the world, and I hate people, and I hate  you ,” Ranpo turned his fury-filled gaze at Jouno, emerald eyes shining with unshed tears. 

Jouno felt that this was the culmination of years of frustration finally coming to a head. Perhaps a decade of confusion and anger at everyone surrounding him, and  dammit  Jouno. His selfishness in putting off this event made it worse for Ranpo. Wasn’t Jouno, despite how much he wanted to refuse, Ranpo’s parent now? His guardian and guiding light? He took a deep breath and took the first step to becoming a better person. 

“I hate you so much because you make no sense to me! Why pretend to love and care for me when you want to use me like everyone else?!” Ranpo hiccuped, backing up after looking at him. 

Jouno steeled himself and grabbed Ranpo by the shoulders–

–Which turned out to be the wrong move. Ranpo flinched.  Violently . 

“Don’t  touch me! ” He fought to escape Jouno’s grip, acting like an animal backed up in a corner. The blind man instinctively let go, allowing the ravenette to stumble out of his hands and sprint away. 

“Ranpo-kun!” Jouno gave two shallow bows to the startled detectives and took off towards Ranpo, who weaved between the crowd effortlessly. “Ranpo, wait!”

Jouno would go home, head held low. Teruko would scream at him for losing someone so dear to her. Tachihara wouldn’t want to admit it, but the boy had started to grow on him. Tecchou… Tecchou wouldn’t look at him, too disappointed.

Ranpo scrambled into a small alleyway easily overlooked. The Hunting Dog followed and was at a loss for what to do.

There Ranpo was, knees pressed to his chest, choking on sobs and barely able to inhale for air. His hand was tightened on his shirt, and his whole body shook. Tears poured out of his eyes in a constant stream, snot dripping down his lips onto his pants.

“Ranpo-kun!” 

If touching him didn’t work last time, what was Jouno supposed to  do ? He was always inept at human emotions; it wasn’t that he lacked empathy or didn’t feel sorrow or happiness; it was that he was terrible at expressing it. Any feeling was dealt with with apathy. It was how he’d survived his childhood… but that wouldn’t cut it. 

If he were Tecchou, he’d know what to do. Perhaps he’d take a mayonnaise egg from who knows where and split it for the boy to eat. Hell, they wouldn’t even  be  in this situation. He was, in the end, Jouno, though.

He reached out for Ranpo’s hand and gingerly released each finger. He tensed when the boy’s cloudy gaze landed on him but powered through. Jouno placed the hand on his chest, making exaggerated breathing motions. 

“Follow my breaths, please, Ranpo-kun. In, out, in, out.” 

As though an eternity passed, they stayed like that for who knows how long until Ranpo calmed down to a reasonable level. 

He buried his face in his arms. 

“‘M sorry for that tantrum,” he muttered. Ranpo looked crestfallen and defeated, which wasn’t like him.

“Ranpo-kun, I want you to list everything you can about me.”

“Huh?” The teen looked up. His eyes were red and puffy and would stay swollen for at least another few hours. 

“You heard me, everything you know, go go.” He gestured his hands in a shooing motion.

He rolled his eyes. “What a weird question to ask of someone, but whatever. You’re Jouno Saigiku, around twenty-eight. You were born blind, but that didn’t stop you from achieving many things.” As Ranpo listed his personal information, Jouno noted his slowing breath, his grip loosened, and his hands fell to the floor. “You became an executive from a criminal organization in your teens, which slowly became a problem to the Port Mafia and government. When he recruited you, the old man was sent to take it out.”

Jouno, honestly, was impressed. Sure, he knew the kid could deduct things, but to this extent? Ranpo knew more about Jouno than most of his coworkers.

“Right,” he interrupted gently. Probably, anyway. The last time he’d been gentle was with an elderly woman… Many,  many  years ago. Or something like that. “Ranpo-kun, you do realize not even Tecchou-san knows that? You, dearest Ranpo-kun,” he locked eyes with the young boy. So lost, so afraid. As his elder, wasn’t Jouno’s duty to help him? “Are special.”

“I’m not special. Everyone just ha–!”

“ Listen  to me, Ranpo-kun. Does it make any difference whether you are unique or not?”

“Yes, it does! It means my mother and father  lied  to me!”

“ Everyone  lies, Ranpo-kun!” He pressed a finger into the boy’s chest. “ I  lied,” he amended, quieter. His cheeks dusted with ruby as he admitted the one thing he never wanted to say out loud. “I care about you.

“I don’t know how, or why, or when it even started, but when I look at you, I can’t help but want to raise the world for you.” The small kid had wormed his way into his heart in less than a month. 

“You– what…?” It came out broken, tremors shaking his voice.

“I care about you, Ranpo-kun. So what if you’re special? All of us in the Hunting Dogs have an ability.” 

He jumped, patting the dust and bacteria off his uniform. Ew. He’d have to ask for it to be dry-cleaned.

Jouno held out his hand, waiting however long it took for Ranpo to come to his senses.

“Come back with us, Ranpo-kun.”

Ranpo hesitated, then steeled his eyes.

Jouno’s hand engulfed Ranpo’s small one.

Ranpo Edogawa resigned himself to being alone.

Perhaps it was how he was supposed to be. Fate or something.

First, it was his parents. 

Overestimating their abilities, they never thought they’d make enemies of the wrong people. 

He knew–he glanced at the police files regarding their last case. The idiots went inside an apartment building, snooping for evidence. The complex nearby, filled to the brim with gasoline and flammables, exploded. Killing them instantly.

Ranpo had been left alone when it happened. His house, made for two, repurposed for three, was empty. He entertained himself with YouTube and rhythm games, ignoring the ache in his heart that always formed when his parents were away.

There was a knock on the door. Confused (his father never knocked on the door. He always dramatically slammed it open), Ranpo opened it.

The last thing he expected to see greeting him were police officers.

His parents had left him alone. Permanently, this time.

Hatred and sorrow and grief and guilt coiled around his heart, choking him. Throwing his throat into a vice-like grip. He hadn’t muttered a word since then, landing in the Yokohama police academy. There, the commander shouted at him.

“Ranpo, state your name and rank!”

Silence. 

The commander was displeased by this. Ranpo still felt phantom pains of whips lashing at his back and still woke up with the sensation of water rushing into his nose and mouth.

Then, he took all the other miscellaneous jobs. Between them, he was sleeping on the street with only a suitcase and his school uniform for comfort. He was easy to pick on and beat. The fellow street rats had a delightful time taking out their anger of the world onto him.

He’d been debating between switching streets. Perhaps he wouldn’t be bullied as hard if he went somewhere new? 

Ranpo waited on the crosslight, glancing at all the bustling people going about their day. Two in particular stood out. They both wore military uniforms and were bickering so loudly that Ranpo could probably hear them back in his hometown. So, of course, he approached them. They wanted something from this city, and Ranpo felt he could get involved.

And he knew they only wanted him for what he could provide them. Jouno and Tecchou only needed a pseudo-child, someone there only to perform his role. Then bam, mission solved, case closed.

If that were the case, why were they all acting so kindly? It hurt him–like millions of needles stabbing into his heart–to see them pretending to care for him. At least with Jouno, he made his feelings clear. Jouno hated him. He was bratty, obnoxious, and an annoying person to be around. It made sense why Jouno kept his distance.

Until the mall.

His anger and hatred that had been bubbling in his chest came pouring out like molten lava, burning and turning him to ash. All he could feel was pain. Like a savior, Jouno came in. He held him tightly while he charred over, applying healing balm and soothing words to his wounds. The elder used kintsugi, patching up all the broken bits that composed Ranpo with gold, making him feel stronger and  safer  than he had.

“The old man is so annoying!” He groaned, leaning his head onto Jouno.

“The commander has his reasons, Ranpo-kun.” Jouno lightly chided.

He startled, looking at the Hunting Dog, a million and one question about to spew out when he remembered. 

Jouno didn’t know. No one knew.

Ever since Ranpo met Fukuchi, his “hobby” had become apparent. The man was a terrorist, through and through. It was why he still held his distance from him despite getting friendly with everyone else.

What next in the elderly man’s plan? World domination? Ranpo internally scoffed. Probably, to be honest. Ranpo couldn’t just let his plot continue. That threatened the peace of his newly-found family. But what could poor little abilityless Edogawa Ranpo do?

“Behave,” Jouno said sternly, glancing at Tecchou, who nodded.

“Of course I will!”

“Sure, brat.” He said fondly.

“Bye-bye!”

If he recalled correctly, he watched the pair leave for a mission far from here, Hokkaido.

Tachihara was busy with his infiltration job. Teruko was having fun torturing people. Fukuchi was… It didn’t matter. All that did was that he was alone for the whole day.

He opened the door quietly and hid behind large craters and the like to leave the headquarters. He had work to do.

The sun shone brightly through the streets of Yokohama. Ranpo had somewhere to be, preferably sooner rather than later. It wasn’t his fault that he kept getting distracted!

Ranpo stared at the billboards displaying an advertisement. “Woah–a new type of ice cream!” 

“I need to–wait, focus, Ranpo, focus!” He slapped his cheeks, determination burning hotter than the sun.

–And promptly got lost again.

“I hate this!” He wept, stopping his foot on the concrete. He had no idea where to go!

“Hey, you!” He pointed to a young adult with silver hair and heterochromatic eyes. On second thought, Ranpo recognized him. He was the stupid detective from the mall!

The detective jumped and pointed at himself. “M-me?”

“Yes, you, detective boy!” He marched up to him. “I need you to tell me where the port is!”

“Huh?”

“You heard me!”

He hesitated, a sweatdrop beading down his cheek. “Well, the thing is that the Port Mafia rules the ports. It’s dangerous for a teen to go there.”

He raised an eyebrow. “I have places to be, weretiger.”

The young adult’s eyes widened. He stepped back, looking both ways of the street before ducking into an alleyway. “ How do you know about my ability !” He whisper-shouted.

“It’s obvious! My standing, though, is much too high for you. I’m not gonna explain!” Ranpo stuck out his tongue. “Now tell me where it is so I can talk to their boss.”

“I–” he sighed, “fine.”

After hastily scribbling the directions on a semi-used napkin, Ranpo made his merry and cheery way to the port.

(Ignore how he got lost three times.)

He was soon going to have a meeting with the Port Mafia boss. And soon, Ranpo meant it’d be like a day or something. 

Ranpo had wandered around the mafia’s territory until he was detained. He probably would have been killed if not for how adamant he needed to see the boss. Not that many believed him, though. All it took for Ranpo to convince some of the grunt men not to immediately kill him was a long speech on how mad Mori would be if he were found dead.

Footsteps echoed in the hallway of the holding center (read: prison). 

“So, ya’ wanna tell me what business you got with the boss?”

A petite redhead stood in front of him. Not that Ranpo was any taller, but he was a teen. This man was a full-on adult.

“Hey, why are you so small, mister? Were you starved as a child? Sorry, rhetoricals are rude. You  were  starved as a child. Not that I can complain about that; I went through similar. All I’m trying to say is that you’re just  really  tiny,” he ranted, getting off the brick for a bed and getting closer to the executive.

“Wha–oh, to hell with you, fucking brat!” The man grabbed his shirt through the bars. “State your business now with the boss, or perish.”

“Oooh, threatening. I have intel on an opponent to the whole of Yokohama, and I think only he can help with that.” The grip loosened, and the shorty bit his lip, clearly about to say something.

His reaction meant that Ranpo was wrong about that statement. He’d thought Mori would collect all people near or surpassing his intelligence, so did that mean one slipped through his fingers? No, that wouldn’t be possible. Ranpo was the exception because he was a filthy street rat, not the rule. What could have happened, then? Perhaps… yeah.

That person must have left.

He’d fish out the info from Mori later, he decided.

“And how can I know you’re not lying, huh?” The man growled.

“Well, I wouldn’t be here if I were lying. What, do you think it’s a trend for all teens to risk their lives for the fun? Heck no!” 

The redhead took a deep breath and sighed. “Right. Well then, I’ll pass on a message to him. What do ya’ wanna say, brat?”

“I need you to tell him that Amenogozen is on the move, and it’ll start slicing soon.”

“Ame…nogozen?” His eyebrows furrowed.

“Mhm! Before you tell him, I need you to tell me where I can find the smartest man you know. And don’t try and lie your way out of it; I know, you know!”

As always, the man’s reactions were  hilarious . His eyes bulged, fingers digging into his sleeves. “See, I caught you! Now, tell me, tell me!”

Once again, he sighed. “ Fine . He’s working for some detectives over at the Armed Detective Agency. Just ask for the fucking mackerel–then you’ll get an immediate response from the bastard.”

Oof. Unresolved sexual tension. Watching Jouno and Tecchou dancing around each other was almost as hard.

“Thanks, I’ll be on my way, then!” With a slight shove, the door to his cell fell down. “Bye-bye, mister hatrack!”

He growled. “Goddammit, I have a name! I don’t ever wanna see you around again, brat!”

“Bye-bye!”

Teasing people was the  best .

By the time Ranpo found the Detective Agency, the sun had already started to set. It burnt his eyes to look at the ocean. Stupid ocean. He wanted to fight the large mass but failed the last time he tried. Womp womp.

He trudged up the stairs, falling to the floor once he reached the top.

“I,” he panted, “ hate  stairs!  Hate  them!”

“Do you have business here?”

Ranpo looked up to the man looming over him. He wore a pair of glasses and had his hair in a scrunchie. 

“Yeah, I need to see ‘the fucking mackerel,’ please!” He jumped to his feet, headbutting the poor office worker. He said please at the end of his sentence because Tachihara said manners were important. Whatever that meant. 

“Huh? ‘The mackerel’...? I have no idea who that is, kid.” The man clutched his chin with both hands, muttering curses.

“Whaaaat? You don’t know? Then I’ll have to find him myself!” Ranpo slammed the door open, ignoring all the gazes on him. He scanned every face for who it could be. A woman with a cleaver? Nah, he was a male. Skittery newbie who could turn into a tiger? Nah. Blonde boy? Nope. Ex-assassin girl who was glaring at him (he didn’t even do anything this time!)? Nuh-uh. Brown-haired man, who was staring with an impassive smile, eyes shining with false light? Bingo! 

Three cheers went off in his mind as he marched to the man. “Hey, you!”

He raised an eyebrow. “Me?”

“Yeah, you’re the ‘fucking mackerel’! The one that mafia dude was talking about! Well, anyways, I need–” 

Ranpo jumped when everyone took out at least one weapon, pointing it at him.

“That’s him, Dazai-san! The one who went to talk with Mori-san!” The silver-haired newbie said, eyes widening in recognition.

“State your name and your business,” the glasses guy said.

“This is terrible reception! I want to speak with your manager!” He crossed his arms, pouting.

“ Name and business .”

He yelped. “Edogawa Ranpo, I need to talk to Dazai-san because the short guy didn’t let me talk to Mori-san!”

Dazai hummed. “And what about?”

“Amenogozen will start slashing very soon.”

In the back of his mind, Ranpo delighted in how shock was written so clearly in Dazai’s face. He had to stifle a giggle. As soon as it came, his face schooled back to an expression of curious apathy.

“Amenogozen? What a curious phrase. Alright, I’ll bite your bait, Ranpo-kun.” He smiled, raising his arms. “Guys, no need to overwhelm the poor kid! He just got here, and he has no weapons!” 

One by one, all of Dazai’s coworkers let down their guards.

“Besides, Ranpo-kun, I can never turn down someone Chuuya sent me! I can imagine his face when he had to acknowledge my intelligence. Oh, oh, and short guy, hah!” He clutched his stomach in laughter. Ranpo rolled his eyes. Homosexuals. “I bet you said that to his face; absolutely hilarious! Let’s get going to a meeting room, Ranpo-kun!”

“Sure, Dazai-san.” 

Dazai clapped a hand on his shoulder. He would have flinched if he hadn’t been picked up by Jouno and Tecchou. That was the exact spot where his arm had dislocated. He wanted to save a cat from falling off a ledge. A group of boys were nearby, though, and they decided pushing him was a great idea. Ranpo could remember his spiral of thoughts before he plummeted into a dumpster, crushing the cat beneath him and sending the lid down to close over him. The boys then went down and locked the trash container. 

Ranpo was stuck for several hours. It wasn’t until some kind passerby took notice of something trying to escape the damn thing that he ran.

“So, you work here now, Dazai-san? I would never have expected that from you!” The grip tightened.

“Well,” He said brightly. Dazai guided him around the halls and pushed Ranpo into an available room. “I am young! Switching careers is normal, though I don’t suppose you know many with such experience!”

“Nope! Now, with pleasantries out of the way, I suppose you want to know what I mean, right?”

Dazai’s coworkers were crowded outside the door, listening in with bated breath. Some concealed their presences better than others—like the little assassin girl—but he could still tell they were there. Ranpo could literally see their shadows!

“I do! After all, isn’t his identity a secret?” The brunette leaned back on his chair, kicking his feet on the desk. Ranpo mirrored him, taking out a pack of gummies and chewing on a shark-shaped one. 

Ooh, blue flavored! My favorite!

“Yeah, it’s the leader of the Prowlings Dogs. It’s easy to find out if you even spend a second around him!” 

Outside, he heard muttering of confusion. Of course, he used a codename! They couldn’t know where he was from, of course. Well, for now, at least. 

“Wait, really? That guy?”

“Yup! I can tell he’s plotting something big, probably stupid, too, like world domination. I mean, who does that? Only cartoon characters plan world domination. Besides, is he even fit to run an entire world? His resume contains being the leader of a war and the Prowling Dogs, nothing more! That’s fine, but you must do an expansive background check on this! It’s the fate of the world at hand! Besides, what does he mean by ‘rule the world’? It probably has something to do with that One Order thing I read about in the library, but does he plan to eliminate wars? Or fighting? Or… what? Does he not understand that society needs a lot of things to survive? Is it gonna be a mind control like from the first SpongeBob movie? Or just. There?” He ranted. All in one breath. While Dazai marveled at his lungs.

“Right, so uhm.” The detective stumbled on his words. “Let’s move on to what we can do to counter all of that. Thoughts, Ranpo-kun?”

Bouncing ideas back and forth with the older man was surprisingly easy. Miraculously, he wasn’t treated as a kid but as an ally. Ranpo marveled at the idea of being seen as equal to an adult.

“Eh, I’d say direct confrontation.” He grabbed a paper from the stack of documents at the head of the table and began folding an airplane.

“With who? In case you wanna use that, I’ve been putting something together.”

“I bet you’ve been training him since you met him, right, Dazai-san?”

Dazai laughed. “What, did you expect someone different?”

“Nope! In any case, they wouldn’t be the best idea. Not unless we want unnecessary casualties. Besides, I wanna get this wrapped up soon. Preferably  before  the next walking dead. Or uh, alive, for most cases.”

“Then who?”

“Me, of course! I know him the most, and he’s seen my intelligence. The old geezer would wanna silence me before I spread my suspicions around.”

“You sure, Ranpo-kun?” 

“Yup!”

Ranpo kicked at the dirt in the abandoned warehouse. It had nearly wholly fallen apart, with most of the walls missing. Where did it go? Who knew! 

He turned around at the sound of boots crunching gravel. “So, you finally came, old man?”

“I read your note.” 

Fukuchi’s eyes were cold when he took out a small paper with the words ‘I know what you’ll do’ written on it, along with a time and place. “Out of all the people who could possibly confront me, you were in the middle of that list, Ranpo-kun.”

“Glad I wasn’t in the end! Listen, old man, I wanna know if my suspicions are correct, alright? I don’t wanna divide the Huntings Dogs over some dumb conspiracy, so I wanted to meet you out here.” Ranpo bit the inside of his cheek, feeling sweat crawl down his back. It seemed to finally settle within him that this man was dangerous. Fukuchi’s kill count was probably higher than the number of people Ranpo knew.  He could be a part of that list . 

To hide the shaking of his hands, he shoved them into the pockets of his sweater. He would be fourteen soon. Tecchou and Jouno would buy him a pink cake, sing Happy Birthday, eat, and laugh. Teruko would berate Tachihara for singing like the elephant from Sing, and the eighteen-year-old would try his best not to laugh so hard milk would pour out of his nose. 

Or maybe not. Maybe Tecchou and Jouno would buy white flowers and sob on his grave. Teruko would try to appear unaffected and comfort him when Tachihara broke down.

“You didn’t even tell me what you think I did. What, did you realize I ate your chips again, Ranpo-kun?”

“The Decay of Angels.”

The mood that Fukuchi tried to lighten shattered. Tension lay its hand on the atmosphere and nearly choked him.

“I know that you’re the leader—or I’m pretty sure you are. I vehemently want to deny it, Fukuchi-san! I need you to tell me!”

“I am no—”

“Don’t  you dare lie, Fukuchi-san !”

He inhaled a sharp breath. Then, he sighed, hand coming to lay on his sword lazily. 

“Well, you found out. I honestly have no idea how, though. Perhaps I’ll check the security footage for any evidence of snooping. In any case, I’ll present you with two options: Ranpo-kun. To be honest,” Fukuchi raised his hand to rub his neck, “I’m sure Fyodor-kun would love a new member just as smart as him. If I leave you alive, Ranpo-kun, will you join us?”

Ranpo laughed. “Of course not! What, do you think I’m mental? Obviously,” he smiled, edges cutting with malice, “I’d tell Tecchou-san and Jouno-san right away.”

“I suppose I’m a fool, then. I knew it’d turn out like this. I have no use for an abilityless boy, so I must cut you down.” Fukuchi sighed. “Goodbye, Ranpo-kun.” He unsheathed his sword.

“Goodbye, old man.”

Fukuchi pointed his foot towards Ranpo, pushing off the floor as the blade reflected the moon’s light.

Ranpo stood there. The sharp edge came closer and closer to his neck, and he steeled himself for the possibility of his head coming clean off. 

It broke skin, droplets of crimson blossoming from the wound.

“Ranpo-kun!”

He couldn’t hear the shout of terror off to his left. Another glint shone in his eyes, and Fukuchi jumped back, glaring at the intruder.

Between the two of them stood Jouno and Tecchou, heaving breaths. 

“Aaand, that’s a wrap! Incredible acting, Ranpo-kun! It’s almost like you were actually afraid!”

Dazai stood off a bit to the right, picking up a small camera that had been filming the entire interaction. “Thanks for distracting him! Without you, we never could have gotten him to not recognize how he was completely set up.” 

He sang to himself as he took off to send it to his government lackey. 

Fukuchi’s eyes widened. In a frenzy, he pulled into his separate dimension. Grasping the handle, the terrorist planned to erase this future when—

“Genichirou ,” another voice said, almost broken at the edges. A man approached the two Hunting Dogs, accompanying them in facing off against Fukuchi.

Teruko’s tiny hand wrapped around his even smaller wrist, tugging him to safety away from the battle about to happen.

“What is the meaning of this? You-I almost didn’t believe Dazai-kun when he told me you were plotting the world’s end.  Why ?”

“You wouldn’t understand,  traitor ,” he spat out, holding onto Amenogozen with a vice-like grip. “What I saw that day on Tokoyami Island —what I saw the future hold; you could never  possibly  understand, Fukuzawa!”

Fukuzawa unsheathed his own sword, pointing the tip at Fukuchi. He looked over at Jouno and Tecchou. “Move off the side. I can take care of him.” Then, he looked towards his old friend. “I will not allow you to taint our future, Genichirou! You will not be slicing that sword unless you stab me in the heart! Even then, I will still stand! Why? Because I have things to fight for! You’ve given up!” 

In rhythm, they jumped into action. When Fukuzawa sliced, Fukuchi evaded, and when Fukuchi began to swing down, Fukuzawa blocked his attack. It was an even battle.  Was .

Fukuzawa nimbly dodged a jab by Fukuchi, spinning light on his feet to build momentum, and abruptly stopped. He choked, coughing out blood. 

A pocket knife was lodged into his chest.

The leader stumbled, almost falling while his caretakers went on the offensive. Their attacks were synced, but it wasn’t  enough . We’re his parents going to die again? This time, because of him?

Ranpo’s breath got caught in his lungs when Fukuchi went on the offensive. Tecchou reached out to his partner, trying his best to reach him.

A blade stood out of his chest. It slid out and licked the blood off its steel. 

“Fukuzawa, you- finish him. ” 

Teruko stood behind Fukuchi.

Gathering himself, Fukuzawa grabbed his hilt with both hands and leaping forward.

The edge sliced through the front of Fukuchi’s shirt easily. 

He fell forward, his friend catching him quickly. They both collapsed to the floor, Fukuzawa clutching the body of his first friend.

“Why?” He muttered out, watching blood stain the already red uniform.

“I had to, Fukuzawa,” the man panted out.

“Ranpo-kun!”

Ranpo turned his head to see both his fathers barreling towards him. He smiled, carefree.  Trying to shake off his terror .

“Jouno-san, Tecchou-san! Did you see what I did there? It was pretty co—”

His cheek stung from where it was slapped.

Jouno began to shout at him. “Enough with that bullshit, Ranpo-kun! Your neck is  bleeding ! You’re special, Ranpo-kun, but you’re an abilityless child who doesn’t even know how to fight back!” 

“That was unnecessarily dangerous, Ranpo-kun! We returned from our mission to the brown-haired man telling us you were facing off against our commander because of your suspicions! They were true, I believe that and Jouno-san believe that! Why didn’t you tell us first?!” Tecchou took a step forward, holding him by the shoulders.

“I-how could I have known that—”

“Don’t make excuses, Ranpo-kun! You  knew  we would believe you—we’ve made that clear countless times! You just wanted to work on your own for  whatever  reason!”

“It’s because you guys believed in the old man! How was I supposed to tell you guys that all that respect was misplaced!?” He yelled back, pushing Tecchou off him.

“It doesn’t matter how, Ranpo-kun,” Tecchou said, coming closer to him. “Because you were afraid for your life when we saw you there. I  never  want to see you in that position again, Ranpo-kun.”

Jouno took many deep breaths before he calmed down. “You can cry, Ranpo-kun,” he muttered.

Without his knowledge, a tear fell down his cheek, plummeting onto the floor. The dam broke, and he held Tecchou as he sobbed.

“I was-and the sword-and it could have, it  did— ”

“I know, Ranpo-kun.”

His cries matched Fukuzawa’s that night.

“C’mon, Ranpo-kun!” Tachihara pulled his arm, but Ranpo was not budging. He would not move in this  humiliating  outfit!

“I am  not  going, Tachihara-san! You can not make me—let go of me right now!  Let go !” He squirmed in Tachihara’s hold, trying to fight back against the young man who held him like a sack of potatoes.

“I am not getting impaled by Jouno-san because someone decided to throw a temper tantrum.”

“It’s not a temper tantrum, I look horrendous!”

“It’s just a bow tie! Stop being a damn baby!”

“I am  not  a baby!”

“You are!”

“No, I’m not!”

Teruko stopped their squabble. “Boys, boys, you’re both pretty. Now, hurry up and get to Jouno-kun.”

“I am literally doing that!”

“Yeah, you could stand to not yell, though.” She deadpanned, joining them in making their way to the dining hall. At last, Ranpo slumped, losing his will to fight.

“Oh, uhm, hello Teruko-san, Tachihara-san, uhm, Ranpo-kun.”

Oh,  great .

“Save me, Atsushi-san! I’m trapped here, and I don’t wanna go dressed like this! Please!”

“Right, I’m just gonna uh, go…? Good luck, Ranpo-kun.” Atsushi saluted him and hurried off to the bathrooms.

“No one is helping me!”

“Good for you.”

Teruko kicked open the doors to the dining room, where everyone sat. The Detective Agency sat on most of the seats. Dazai waved to him. He then noticed his overly formal clothes and laughed. No, not one associated with a pretty man. It was hideous! Like an orc had a baby with fifteen pigeons, and that child bred with a pine tree! What the  fuck , Dazai!

“The birthday boy is here! Happy birthday, Ranpo-san!” Kenji waved to him energetically. Ranpo would have reflected it, but he was in a dangerous position.

Multiple choruses of Happy Birthday broke out in the crowd. For whatever reason, the tiny hat guy was sitting in the corner. Who invited him?!

He was plopped down on the head seat of the rectangular table. By then, Atsushi had returned, and conversation had gradually lulled down. 

“Now then, we are here today to congratulate Ranpo-kun on his fourteenth birthday.” Jouno’s hand landed on his hair. The Jouno he first met would never imagine doing that. The Ranpo of before wouldn’t have allowed him to, either. 

“Wooo!” Dazai cheered, elbowing the redhead who mysteriously appeared at his side. “Hey, hey, Chuuya!” Oh, right.  That  was his name. “I know that kid! We partnered up before, and he’s my best friend in the whole world!”

Chuuya stepped on his foot with his heel, not so subtly whispering, “Quiet the hell down, idiot! You’re way too loud!”

“ As I was saying .” He cleared his throat. “Happy birthday, Ranpo-kun.”

Everyone repeated Jouno’s words in either screeches, out-of-tune shouts, or singing ‘happy birthday, dear grandpa’.

In unison, they all sang. He thought about a suitable wish and blew out the candles. Tecchou poured petrol bismol onto his strawberry cake and was promptly shouted at by Jouno. Ew, gross. That broke three of the laws found in the Genova conventions.

Tachihara laughed so abruptly he spit milk onto Tankzaki’s face. To the side, Yosano and Teruko had begun to converse about the art of enjoying other suffering. 

Ranpo thought back to his wish.  I want my happy days to go on forever . For however long that was.

Never did he think he’d be here.

Yeah, this is home.  A small smile formed on his cheeks.