Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Player: Hewwo

Chapter Text

Player: Morden! My face is on fire!
Morden: Player! Are you ok?!
Player: Oh yes, I'm fine. I just said that to make sure you'd come in here quickly.
Morden: But your face is on fire.
Player: Yes. It's much faster than shaving.

The squad is trying to con some random guy
Player: Um, Iris, why are you pretending I'm this guy's family?
Iris: We need money!
Player: You're scamming him?
Iris: I was thinking more like flat-out stealing from him?
Player: What?! No way!
Iris: Why not? We already stole Neviro!
Neviro: Hey guys
Player: No, we didn't. Neviro can think and talk for themself, they can do whatever they want!
Neviro: I wanna steal

Player: What do you think Iris will do for a distraction?
Morden: They’ll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That’s what I would do.
*Building explodes and several car alarms go off*
Morden: ... or they could do that.

Iris: What's a word thats a mix between 'sad' and 'mad'?
Enizor: Disgruntled, miserable, desolated-
Player: Smad.

Neviro, holding a python: Guys I impulsively bought a snake, what do I name him
Morden: You did WHAT–
Player: William Snakepeare

Player: You lying, cheating, piece of shit!
Morden: Oh yeah? You’re the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD
Player: I’m leaving you, and I’M TAKING NEVIRO WITH ME
Enizor, picking up the monopoly board: I think we’re gonna stop playing now.

Player: *Gently taps table*
Morden: *Taps back*
Iris: What are they doing?
Neviro: Morse code.
Player: *Aggressively taps table*
Morden: *Slams hands down* YOU TAKE THAT BACK-

Player: Dumbest scar stories, go!
Morden: I burned my tongue once drinking tea.
Iris: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and burned it.
Neviro: I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first grade.
Enizor: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it on my hand and I got a really bad burn.
Edward:
Edward: I have emotional scars.

Player: We need to distract these guys
Morden: Leave it to me
Morden: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.
Iris, Neviro, and Enizor: *Immediately begin arguing*
Edward, watching in horror: Oh this. I don’t like this. I don't like this at all.

Enizor, walking into their house: Hello, people who do not live here.
Morden: Hey.
Iris: Hi.
Neviro: Hello.
Player: Hey!
Enizor: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!
Edward: We were out of Doritos.

Player: Time for plan G.
Enizor: Don’t you mean plan B?
Player: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.
Edward: What about plan D?
Player: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.
Neviro: What about plan E?
Player: I’m hoping not to use it. Morden dies in plan E.
Iris: I like plan E.

Chapter Text

Neviro: Small creatures are much more vicious because they have a smaller body to bottle up all their emotions.
Player: Ridiculous. Give me some examples.
Morden: Wasps?
Iris: Terriers?
Neviro: Iris.

Player: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!
Player: *aggressively throws water bottles*
Iris: Uh... what's up with them?
Neviro: They're trying to yell mental health and wellbeing into us.
Player: I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!
Morden, crying: It's working.

Player: LOWERCASE LETTERS ARE FOR THE LOWER CLASS!
Neviro: And here we have a capitalist.
Morden: Did you just-
Iris: Let us all take a moment to appreciate that all of human history, human language, and the universe itself aligned to make this joke possible.

Neviro, about a fight between Iris and Morden: It scares me how many knives were involved.
Player: There… weren’t any knives involved though?
Neviro: That’s what scares me.

Iris: Christmas is cancelled.
Morden: You can't cancel a holiday.
Iris: Keep it up, Morden, and you'll lose New Year's too.
Morden: What does that mean?
Iris: Player, take New Year's away from Morden.

Morden: I truly believe that water can solve all your problems.
Player: Weight loss? Drink water.
Iris: Clear skin? Drink water.
Neviro: Want to get rid of someone? Drown them.

Morden: You just said ‘hole’ too many times.
Neviro: And that’s coming from Morden.
Player: *Points at Morden* That’s concerning.
Iris: YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING NEVIRO! *storms out*

Player: Where the devil is Morden?
Iris: Well, it is raining outside... Maybe they melted?
Neviro: Shall I look outside for a pointy hat?

Morden: If I punch myself and it hurts, am I weak or strong?
Iris: Strong.
Player: Weak.
Neviro: An idiot, is what your are.

Neviro: I still don’t have a New Year’s resolution.
Morden: You could lose a few.
Player: You could be less lazy.
Iris: Don’t be such a bitch.
Neviro: Okay DAMN, SHIT.

Iris: I haven't slept in seventy-three hours.
Neviro: Eighty. Democratically elected leader of insomnia.
Player: Bitch, it's been ninety for me. I'm going for an even one hundred.
Morden: You guys are fucking terrifying.

Chapter Text

Calvus: Prepare to feel really bad about yourself.
Revon: I’ve been prepared for that my entire life.
Calvus:
Revon: Or something mean about you.

Revon, very tired: Can I sleep in your bed?
Calvus: *half asleep* Revon, this is a queen-sized bed. That means it’s for *gestures vaguely to themself* the Queen.

Revon, tearing up the room: Where are they?
Revon, looking under a pillow: Who moved them? Who moved my children?
Revon: Somebody moved my M&M's, and now I am going to start killing.

Revon: Hey.
Calvus: Hey?
Revon: I can't sleep. :/
Calvus: I can. Goodnight.

Revon: Everything will be ok. You can not stop it.
Revon: Everything will be fine. You have no choice.
Calvus: What the fuck kind of pep talk is that?
Revon: Ominous positivity.

Calvus : *on the phone* Just snap his kneecaps and he’ll talk, I’m at a parent teacher conference.
Calvus : Anyways, you said Revon is enjoying finger painting! That's great.

Calvus : Why are you on fire?
Revon: This is just how my day is going.

Calvus : You've got to act tough, Revon! Show 'em you can't be pushed around! Show 'em they can't mess with you!
Revon: Right. Yes. Tough. Got it.
Revon, standing up on their stool and slamming their hands down on the bar: I'LL TAKE A CHOCOLATE MILK.

Revon: You don't know anything about me!
Calvus : I know EVERYTHING about you! You are an open book written for very dumb children!

Revon: Reverse tooth fairy where you leave money under your pillow and the tooth fairy comes and leaves you a bunch of teeth.
Calvus : Why?
Revon, shaking a bag of teeth: Just because.

Calvus : Theater kids are just choir kids who joined forces with the band and strings kids.

Revon: Calvus ...
Calvus : I can tell by the tone of your voice that you are disappointed. Alas, I must further disappoint you by affirming how little I give a fuck.

Calvus : What's wrong with you?
Revon: Off the top of my head, I'd say low self-esteem, a lack of paternal affection, and a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression.

Calvus : ...My man Revon just killed a goldfish.
Revon: *licking their lips* Yup. Delicious.

Chapter Text

Morden: Everyone knows that Santa is an invention designed by the big five corporations to sell tinsel and video games to an unsuspecting public.
Iris: The whole “childhood wonder” stage just blew right past you, didn’t it?

Player: We are gathered here today because someone- *glares at Tucker ’s coffin* -couldn’t stay alive!

Revon: Yum, thanks!
Kidnapper: *puts more tape over their mouth* I said stop eating it.

Morden: *venting endlessly to Neviro  about their week*
Neviro, every once in a while: *in a monotone* Wow, that is so wild.

Iris: PEASANT. I REQUIRE SUSTENANCE.
Neviro: You know there are other ways to say you want McDonalds.
Iris: FOUL PLEBEIAN. YOU DARE SPEAK AGAINST ME—
Neviro: *sigh* What do you want?
Iris: Chicken nuggets please.

Player: When I get Doordash I order 20 Cheeseburgers at a time and heat them up throughout the week so that I don’t have to pay the delivery fee multiple times.
Morden: I hope you understand how food poisoning works.
Player: I hope food poisoning understands how I work. I never met a burger i couldn’t eat.

Player: *slams books down in front of Morden*
Player: Boil up some Mountain Dew. It’s gonna be a long night.
Morden: You could of said literally anything else.
Player: Cauldron boil and cauldron bubble, Baja Blast to fuel my trouble.
Morden: I’m going to just stop challenging you when you say random shit. I won’t win. I realize this now.

Neviro: Sometimes, I don’t realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird.

Morden: Player, you can do anything!
Player: Anything?
Morden: Anything!
Player, holding a torch: ANYTHING?!?!
Morden: Wait, not that!

*after discussing a plan*
Player: Does anyone have any questions?
Edward: Is this legal?
Player: Does anyone have any relevant questions?

Chapter Text

Revon: Don't worry, I've got a few knives up my sleeve.
Elius: I think you mean cards.
Calvus: They did not.
Revon, pulling out knives: I did not.

Argos: We’ve been conducting an ongoing study to see what Carina will and will not eat.
Calvus: Grass? Yes!
Argos: Moss? Yes!!
Calvus: Leaves? Ohh, yes!
Argos: Shoelaces? Strange but true!
Calvus: Worms? Sometimes!
Argos: Rocks? Usually nah.
Calvus: Twigs? Usually!
Argos: Revon's cooking? Inconclusive!
Elius: How did you… test this?
Argos: You just hand them stuff and say ‘eat this’ and if they eat it, they eat it.
Elius: ... I don’t know how to feel about this.
Revon: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT?

Revon: Which one of you was going to tell me that tea tastes different if you put it in hot water??
Argos: Y- you were putting it in cold water??
Calvus: Revon. Answer the question, Revon.
Revon: Yeah??? I thought people just put it in hot water to speed up the tea-ification process. didn't realize there was an actual reason.
Revon: Plus you think I have the patience to boil water?
Argos: You don't have the patience to microwave water for 3 minutes??
Calvus: Why are you putting it in the microwave to boil it?
Argos: Do you think I have the patience to boil water on the stove?
Calvus: It takes less than a minute.
Argos: Is your stovetop powered by the fucking sun???
Calvus: How long does it take you to boil a cup of water on the stove?
Argos: Like seven minutes??
Elius: Just stick the mug on top of the stove on medium heat and it boils in like 2 minutes... less than that if you use a saucepan!
Calvus: Why are you putting the whole mug on the stove?? On medium heat?? Elius? Your stove is enchanted!
Revon: Every single person here is a fucking lunatic.
Carina: Do none of you own a fucking kettle?!

Elius: Calvus is late again.
Argos: How did this happen? I called them at 8 o’clock this morning and pretended it was 11.
Revon: I printed up a fake schedule for them saying we were starting at 9 instead of noon.
Carina: I set their clock to say PM when it’s really AM.
Elius: Oh boy. We may have overdone it.
*Calvus bursts through the door*
Calvus: WHAT TIME IS IT?

Carina: Hey, how did my phone break?
Revon: You were drunk yesterday.
Carina: And?
Elius: You threw it.
Carina: Why?
Argos: You turned on airplane mode and kept screaming “FLY DAMN YOU!”
Carina: And why didn’t you stop me?!
Calvus: We were busy laughing our asses off.

*Everyone is giving advice to Revon*
Elius: It's okay to ask for help.
Argos: You're not a burden.
Carina: Murder is okay.
Calvus: Your feelings matter.

Revon: Why isn’t the statue smirking at me?
Carina: It isn’t smirking at anyone, they’re all just imagining it.
Elius: Three of us saw it, Carina. How do you explain that?
Carina: *points at Calvus* Sleep deprivation. *points at Elius* Paranoia. *points at Argos* Delusional personality disorder.

Calvus: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?
Revon: Several traffic violations.
Argos: Three counts of resisting arrest.
Carina: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.
Elius: Also, that’s not our car.

Revon: So don't panic but one of us is possessed by an owl....
Argos: ....
Elius: .....
Calvus: ......
Carina: ..Who?
Revon: That's the thing we don't-
*Everyone stares at Carina*

Calvus: How do you connect with a fictional character?
Elius: What?
Revon: What?
Argos: What?
Carina: *pulls up a 500 slide presentation* I'm glad you asked.

Calvus: Good morning.
Revon: Good morning.
Elius: Good morning.
Argos: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit.
Carina: MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS!

Elius: What makes you all smile?
Revon: Friends and Family.
Argos: Snacks.
Calvus: Victory and success.
Carina: Face muscles.

Carina: How would you like your pancakes?
Elius: Plain.
Revon: With sprinkles!
Calvus: Chocolate chips.
Argos: Potatoes.
*Elius, Revon, and Calvus look at Argos*
Argos: What? They're good.

Calvus: Did you bring Argos?
Revon, gesturing to Elius: No, but I brought the next best thing.
Calvus: Elius? The next best thing would be Carina.
Elius: I would be offended, but Carina is freakishly strong.

Elius: Argos is okay.
Carina: They're okay? They said they were going to break my legs! And don't tell me they didn't mean it, okay?! 'Cause they gave me the mackerel eyes, they meant it!
Elius: Carina, Argos threatened me. They threaten Calvus every day. They probably threatened Revon before breakfast this morning. It's what they do. Grow a pair.

Elius: What does “take out” mean?
Revon: Food.
Argos: Dating.
Carina: Murder.
Calvus: It can be all three if you’re brave enough.

Argos: What’s something you guys are better than Carina at?
Revon: Mario Kart.
Elius: Yeah, video games.
Calvus: Emotional vulnerability.

*The gang's thoughts on stabbing*
Revon: Would never stab anyone.
Argos: Would stab someone in retaliation.
Carina: Yells "I won't hesitate, bitch!" first.
Calvus: Would stab without warning.
Elius: Would stab as a warning.

Revon: Hey, can we stay in your dorm tonight?
Argos: Why?
Revon: Elius fiddled with an ouija board and cursed ours.
Carina: Calvus doesn't know how to banish spirits, so they just throw salt at them and yell "DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A HOTEL TO YOU?!"

Revon: What's the scariest horror movie you've ever watched?
Argos: IT.
Elius: Annabelle.
Calvus: Paranormal Activity.
Carina: High School Musical. All throughout high school I was scared that everyone was gonna randomly get up and start singing and dancing, and I would be the only one who doesn't know the words.

Argos: Alright Elius, Carina. Let's go over this one more time.
Argos: If something breaks?
Elius: We try to fix it before Calvus gets home.
Argos: If it doesn't work?
Carina: We blame Revon.
Revon: Seriously guys, what the hell?!

Calvus: You three, explain right now!
Argos: It was Revon.
Elius: It was Revon.
Carina: It was Revon.
Revon:
Revon: …fuck.

*In a group chat*
Revon: A pegan just flew into my window.
Elius: Pegan?
Argos: A what?
Calvus: Ah yes, my favourite bird, Pegan.
Carina: I thought you said penguin for a second, LMAO!
Calvus: Just a normal day with flying penguins crashing into my window.
Carina: You have pigeons flying into your window? Can't relate, I have penguins flying into my window.
Revon: I literally just made a typo-

Carina: What scares you guys the most?
Elius: Werewolves!
Revon: Sharks.
Argos: The unstoppable marching of time that is slowly guiding us all towards an inevitable death.
Calvus:
Calvus: Argos.

Chapter Text

Kai: Alcohol is delicious! ...I mean, MAlicious. Sorry guys, I'm really drunk right now.

Merlot: You need to be more careful!
Kai, who was dragged into Merlot's issue: Careful? CAREFUL?! I'LL CAREFULLY WRAP MY HANDS AROUND YOUR THROAT-

Merlot: Kai, how do you feel about lifting heavy things?
Kai: My doctor just said I should avoid-
Merlot: Being a wuss? I agree.

Merlot: My gender is in a constant state of flux.

Merlot: Vegetable oil is made from vegetables, coconut oil is made from coconuts, so BABY OIL-
Kai: CAN'T WE JUST HAVE A NICE FAMILY DINNER FOR ONCE?!

Kai: What's my sexuality?! I don't fucking know! I'm not straight, and that's all that matters. Well, maybe that's unfair to the straights. Some of my best friends are straight! Well, one of them. Well, I know them, and Merlot is perfectly tolerable person in small doses!

Kai: Did you wash the dishes?
Merlot: I thought you wanted to do that...
Kai: *chuckles* You were WRONG.

Kai: I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Merlot's phone number just by choosing random numbers.

Kai: An apple a day keeps the doctor away!
Merlot: An apple a day can keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

Merlot: Okay. Hypothetically speaking, how mad would you be if I burned a hot pocket so badly it could probably fall off a ten-story building and be completely fine?
Kai: Merlot, what did you do?
Merlot: Take a guess.

Kai: Okay, help me, please!
Merlot: Got two words for you.
Kai: I bet they won't be helpful.
Merlot: Your problem.
Kai: I was right.

Merlot: I love being right. It's one of my favorite personality traits.

Kai: You know, when I first met you, I really didn't like you.
Merlot, after a moment: ...I thought there was going to be another half to that sentence?
Kai: Nope!

Kai: Sometimes I get so caught up on being gay that I forget I'm actually bi.

Merlot: I wonder who's ruining my life.
Merlot: *looks in the mirror*
Merlot: So we meet again.

Merlot, taping a knife onto a Roomba: Be free, my child.
Kai, entering the room with a small cut on their ankle: Who the f-

Kai: As a responsible adult-
Merlot: *chuckles*
Kai: ... As a responsible adult-

Merlot: I think I mostly want to see what happens when this whole place breaks apart.

Kai: Your problem is that you've got no common sense.
Merlot: I've got plenty of common sense!
Merlot: I just choose to ignore it.

Merlot: Well, if you're not at least a little bit gay for your friends, then what kind of friend are you?

Merlot: If you kill me, my teeth only have a 2Kai drop rate.
Kai: What?
Merlot: Good luck.

Kai: I can't imagine what Merlot is planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it and it won't be legal.

Merlot, trying to flirt: So, you come around here often?
Kai, confused: I mean, this is my house, so yeah.

Merlot: Kai has only knocked me out three time this week. Our friendship is really developing.

Kai: Valentine’s day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos-
Merlot: I wrote you a poem.
Kai, already crying: You did?

Merlot: You are the love of my life and I would do anything within reason to make you happy.
Kai: I would be happy if you ate, stayed hydrated and got a reasonable amount of sleep.
Merlot: I said within reason, Kai. How about I murder that guy?
Kai: So murder is in reason but proper self care isn't?
Merlot: Well, duh. What kind of question is that?

Kai: You’re my best friend, I would do anything for you.
Merlot: I want you to eat 3 meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.
Kai: Absolutely not.

Chapter Text

Stella: *walks into the room*
Sage: They’re covered in blood again. Why is it they’re always covered in blood?
Joshua: Well, it looks like it’s their own blood this time.

Stella: I think I did fairly well on my anatomy quiz! :)
Sage: I forgot I was doing a test.
Stella: Sage.
Sage: I said the vertebrae was the back stick because I thought it was funny....
Joshua: Sage.

Sage: Can I get a waffle?
Joshua and Stella: *fighting and yelling at each other*
Sage: Can I p l e a s e get a waffle?

Sage: I feel like Stella is looking down on me.
Joshua: That’s because they’re on the counter and you’re short.

Joshua, excitedly: Heeyy!!
Stella: Hey, someone's excited.
Sage, deadpan: Yeah, and it's making me sick.

Joshua: I’m not mad, I just need to know why you two had a fake ID.
Sage: *Incoherent mumbling*
Joshua: Huh?
Stella: …You need to be 18 to hold the puppies at PetCo.

Stella: Sometimes I like to place my hands on someone’s cheeks, look into their eyes...
Stella: ...And violently jerk their head until it snaps.
Joshua: ...That took an unexpected turn.
Sage: So did their neck.

Sage: *Reading a letter*
Joshua: Well, what does it say?
Sage: It’s a confession letter. It turns out Stella killed my pet rock.

Joshua: I’m telling you, my team is competent.
Sage, rushing in: Joshua! Stella tried to make pasta in the coffee pot and now it's broken!

Sage, trying to impress Joshua: I re-initialized the entire command structure, retaining all programmed abilities but deleting the supplementary preference architecture.
Stella: They turned it off and back on again.

Joshua: You say “Please” and “Thank you” in front of Stella all the time, and they never repeat it.
Joshua: But you call Sage “Ass-faced motherfucker” ONE TIME…

Sage: When I was a kid, Stella told me that the paper strip that’s in the chocolate kisses were edible and I ate them with the chocolate for a year.
Joshua: They are!
Sage: FOR REAL?
Joshua: No! Why did you fall for it again?

Joshua: Do you feel any better?
Stella: I feel much better now that you here with me.
*Sage walks in*
Stella: I feel half better.

Sage: Joshua has no idea I’m high.
Joshua: You’re high?
Sage: Oh, I’m sorry.
Sage, leaning over to Stella: Joshua has no idea I’m high.

Joshua: What makes you think it's okay to watch Hannibal given its subject matter?
Sage: Sometimes, I watch television shows for entertainment purposes.
Stella: Because I condone murder and cannibalism.

Sage: I honestly feel like some of our conversations here are almost word-for-word accurate to the generator.
Joshua: Yup.
Stella: Maybe the generator is watching us.
Sage: Wouldn't that imply this conversation will be added?
Sage: ...
Sage: Wait—

Joshua: There are three ways to handle a difficult situation. The right way, the wrong way, and the Sage way.
Stella: Isn't that the wrong way?
Joshua: Yes, but it's faster.

Sage: Have I ever told you that I love you with my whole heart?
Joshua: For the love of all that is holy, I am not taking you to McDonalds. It’s 2am!
Sage: Mean.

Sage: I have so much energy, I want to run a marathon or commit a crime... which should I do?
Joshua: Please don’t get arrested.
Sage: No promises! <3
Stella: Why not both? Get creative!
Sage: Wonderful suggestion, thank you.
Joshua: Please don’t encourage them, Stella.

Chapter Text

Kelia: Watcha doin? 
Hassan: Stealing my neighbour’s cat. 
Kelia: Scandalous. 
Kelia: Can I help?

Akeem, texting Nasir: Text me when you’re home safely. 
Nasir: I’m home dangerously. 
Akeem: Stop it. 
Nasir: I’m home lethally.

Khalida: I just realized that every person is living a life as vivid and complex as my own. 
Khalida: 
Khalida: I feel so bad for them.

Nilah: Do you have a second to talk about the environment? 
Akeem: Do you have a second to eat my farts?

Khalida: I prevented a murder today. 
Kelia: Really? That’s amazing! How did you do that? 
Khalida: Self-control.

Nasir: Can I ask a dumb question? 
Akeem: Better than anyone I know.

Nasir: I just saw Hassan for the first time in years. 
Akeem: No way! And…? 
Nasir: I told them I’m an Olympic gymnast. 
Akeem: Why? 
Nasir: Well, you know when you get nervous socially, you end up lying to impress? 
Akeem: No. 
Nasir: Exactly, we’ve all done it.

Akeem: Unpopular opinion, not all dogs are good boys. 
Nasir: Blocked. 
Akeem: Sometimes, they’re good girls! 
Nasir: UNBLOCKED!

*The gang responding to being stabbed by a sword* 
Khalida: Rude. 
Nasir: That's fair. 
Noor: Not again. 
Nilah: Are you gonna want this back or can I keep it?

Nasir: So oxygen went on a date with potassium, it went... OK. 
Hassan: I thought oxygen was dating magnesium, OMG. 
Nasir: Actually oxygen first asked nitrogen out, but nitrogen was all like NO. 
Kelia: I thought oxygen had that double bond with the hydrogen twins. 
Nilah: Looks like someone's a HO. 
Hassan: NaBrO. 
Akeem: I'm done with all of you!

Khalida: Let’s write Noor a friendly note, shall we? Dear... Incompetent... Dumbass...

Khalida: Dammit, you ruin everything! 
Noor: You're welcome.

Nasir, looking at a map: It’s a barren, featureless wasteland out there, isn't it? 
Noor: Other side, Nasir...

*In a group chat* 
Akeem: A pegan just flew into my window. 
Noor: Pegan? 
Nilah: A what? 
Khalida: Ah yes, my favourite bird, Pegan. 
Hassan: I thought you said penguin for a second, LMAO! 
Khalida: Just a normal day with flying penguins crashing into my window. 
Hassan: You have pigeons flying into your window? Can't relate, I have penguins flying into my window. 
Akeem: I literally just made a typo-

Akeem: Why won’t you all just lie down and die with dignity?! 
Noor: We don’t do anything with dignity!

Chapter Text

Revon: State your name, rank, and intention. 
Calvus: Calvus, Calvus, fun.

Revon: My friends say I'm the most charismatic out of the group. 
Calvus: Well, you always have a smile on your face. 
Revon: Thank you. 
Calvus: 
Calvus: What drugs do you take?

Calvus: Why would I flip my shit about that? 
Revon: Because you flip your shit about everything. 
Calvus: Well, will you look at this. Here is my shit, and yet it remains unflipped. Just sitting there on the skillet, getting burned on one side. It’s a miracle.

Revon, to Calvus: How do you tell someone politely you want to hit them with a brick?

Revon: I'm against crime, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Revon: It’s nice to be wanted, you know? 
Calvus: Not by the law!

Revon: Calvus? What are you doing here? 
Calvus, wearing a hawaiian shirt, sunglasses and holding a gatorade: My best.

Calvus: I'm allergic to death.

Calvus: So the other day I sent Revon out to get us some gas. 
Calvus: And instead of getting gas, they got us novelty cookie cutters. 
Calvus: Now everything we eat is shaped like a dinosaur. 
Calvus: … 
Calvus: I love them so much.

Calvus: Maybe the true treasure was friendship all along. But I hope not, because I can’t spend friendship on new clothes

Revon: Do you care if I take the skin off this Furby? 
Revon: I want to make him a god. Once he is free of his sinful flesh, he can begin a path towards enlightenment. He will take care of us. 
Revon: I also want to softhack his circuits. 
Calvus: I literally could not care less but never say anything as frightening as that ever again.

Revon: The greatest trick the devil ever played was getting me banned from an all you can eat pizza buffet. 
Calvus: Why’d you get banned? 
Revon: Touched the rat. 
Calvus: … What rat? 
Revon: Chunky Cheese.

Revon: Would anyone know any good vendors for professional-quality brass knuckles? 
Calvus: I know you’re serious, but you say the scariest shit sometimes.

Calvus: As a responsible adult- 
Revon: *chuckles* 
Calvus: … As a responsible adult—

Calvus: Get on my level! 
Revon: Unfortunately, to "get on your level" I'd need a boat trip to the Mariana Trench and a pair of cinderblock shoes.

Calvus: I’m never donating blood ever again. 
Calvus: The second you walk through the door, it’s just one invasive question after another! 
Calvus: ‘Where did you get it?’ 'Why is it in a bucket?’ I mean, do you want it or not?

Revon: How many children do you have? 
Calvus: Biologically, legally, or emotionally? Because there is a difference.

Revon: Of course I have a lot of pent-up rage, you fool! I've been the same height since I was twelve!

Calvus: Hey Revon, can you give me the opposite of these words? 
Calvus: Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down. 
Revon: Never, Going, To, Give, You- 
Revon: The fucking satisfaction.

Calvus: So... what’s goin’ on? 
Revon: You want the long version or the short version? 
Calvus, hesitantly: The short one, I guess? 
Revon: Shit’s fucked. 
Calvus: Oh. Well, yeah, that’s definitely not an optimal situation.

Revon: You’re drunk. 
Calvus: Correction: drinking. Present tense. Grammar, Revon.

Calvus: Real life should have a fucking search function, or something. 
Calvus: I need my socks.

Revon: Calvus, I have a question. 
Calvus: What is it, Revon? 
Revon: What color is an orange? 
Calvus: Revon, you bonehead! Its color is the same as its name. Just like a lemon.

Chapter Text

Kalliste: Thank God you were there. Amelia. I knew you wouldn't let your best friend die.
Amelia: I'm still gonna arrest you. I just can't do that if you're dead.
Kalliste: Whatever you gotta tell yourself. Baby steps. It's hard getting them out of their shell.

Amelia: You’re drunk.
Kalliste: Correction: drinking. Present tense. Grammar, Amelia.

Kalliste: I would do anything for money.
*later*
Kalliste, covered in blood: THE STATEMENT STILL STANDS!

Kalliste: Strawberry milk doesn’t taste like strawberry OR milk.
Amelia: Go the fuck to sleep Kalliste.

Kalliste: Can I borrow five dollars?
Amelia: If you’re only borrowing it, does that mean you’ll pay me back?
Kalliste: Of course.
Kalliste: Not directly, but with my love and affection.
Amelia: So that’s a no.

Kalliste: You know, studies show that keeping a ladder in the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun.
Kalliste: That's why I own TEN guns.
Kalliste: Just in case some maniac tries to sneak in with a ladder.

Kalliste: When was the last time you cried?
Amelia: Uh 15 minutes ago, why??
Kalliste: really? That recent?
Amelia: Yeah *voice crack* is that a issue? *starts crying again*

Kalliste: I can’t do this, it’s against my moral compass.
Amelia: YOUR MORAL COMPASS IS A ROULETTE WHEEL!
Kalliste: …Your point?

Amelia: Help! I’m drowning!
Kalliste: Calm down. We’re only in six feet of water!
Amelia: NOT ALL OF US ARE TALL!

Kalliste: Sometimes I wonder if I’m hearing voices.
Kalliste: Then I remember that’s the last bit of sanity I have trying to get me to fall asleep at a reasonable time.

Kalliste: The time to act is now.
Kalliste: Wink, wink.
Amelia: Don't say "wink wink". Just wink.
Kalliste: Oh, sorry.
Kalliste: Wink.

Amelia: I came out here to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now.

Amelia: I am a responsible adult!
Kalliste: *raises brow*
Amelia: I am an adult.

Kalliste, to Amelia: You wanna fight? All right, let’s take this outside. The stars are so bright tonight and the moon looks so nice. Here, hold my hand—

Amelia, texting Kalliste: Kalliste there’s a moth on the outside of the bathroom door can you get rid of it?
Amelia: Pls hurry because I’m going to cry
Amelia: Kalliste
Amelia: Kalliste
Kalliste: Kalliste is dead. You’re next. Love, Moth.

Amelia: I don’t know how you have your foot in your mouth, your head up your ass, and your nose in my business. But here we are, you fucking wizard.

Kalliste, trying their first ever cup of coffee: I am ENERGY!
Amelia, an avid coffee drinker, on their twelfth cup of the day: Someone slap me awake or I am literally going to fall into a coma in ten seconds.

Amelia: You know, Kalliste, you are the sun in my life.
Kalliste: Why? Cause I'm smoking hot?
Amelia: Because it hurts my eyes looking at you.

Amelia: I’m Amelia. I’m an accountant.
Kalliste: I’m Kalliste. I have a knife.