Chapter Text
As you may recall, Jun, I went on a conference for a few days. It came to my attention that there were some killings that were happening around your area in Japan, while I was gone, so, I rushed back.
I’m glad I came back when I did.
You and Bates? You were underground, going against a devilbeast that had faces all over it. I couldn’t see what was going on down there, of course. But I heard enough to be worried.
Now, I imagine that you saw the bombs that were sent down into the tunnels after you and Bates?
I promise you, I did not send those bombs down. If anything, I told the general not to. But he wouldn’t listen to. He insisted that he was following orders. And that you and Bates were too dangerous to keep alive.
I yelled at him, but he wouldn’t listen.
Never before had I ever wanted to slit his throat, until that moment.
I can’t begin to tell you how relieved I was when you emerged, unharmed.
I’m not telling you this to tell you that I had nothing to do with you and Bates almost being bombed to death. I’m telling you this so that you know that I know that I should have done more to protect you.
I hadn’t thought that they’d do that, drop bombs on our two greatest assets. And before you say anything, Jun, no, I don’t think of you as “just an asset.” But obviously the higher ups do.
When you and Bates emerged from the tunnel, I saw you talking and saw that Maeda was with you. All of you looked troubled. I still don’t know what the three of you talked about. Bates didn’t tell me.
I was relieved to see Bates walking away from you. Like I said, I don’t like him. I don’t trust him.
I was happy to give Bates a displeased and cruel look, when he approached me.
But I was unable to say anything else when I saw your expression, regarding me. I could see it all over your face; you believed I was part of the bombing. You thought I had agreed to it, or perhaps even had ordered it.
I didn’t, but I understand in that moment, why you’d think that.
How could I blame you for thinking that?
I’ve never exactly given off the sense that I was the most trustworthy person, have I?
It hurt. But I knew there was nothing I could say to convince you that I hadn’t ordered or gone along with the bombing, so I said nothing about it at the time.
But it ate at me. Again and again while thinking on it.
Later, there was that body of that young girl found alongside a river. She had pierce marks along one of her inner thighs and there was saliva there that had protein in it that could be linked to a devilbeast.
And after seeing that young girl, I did some research. Apparently, many young girls had gone missing in that area.
I’m sorry if I came off as cold, but please understand, I was angry. Young girls like that being preyed on? It was enough that I almost thought of destroying the entire valley to find the devilbeast that did it.
I wish I hadn’t sent you in there after the devilbeast responsible. Knowing what I know now, that it was a human woman who kept a devilbeast captive, and forced him to pump those girls full of that protein, protein which she then had feasted on, was enough to make me mildly sick, though I concealed it well.
I was sick to my stomach, but mainly because of my own actions.
It was hard for me not to see myself in that woman that kept the devilbeast a prisoner and made him and all those girls her slaves.
Does such self-reflection on my part surprise you, Jun?
If nothing else, believe that I was pleased when I learned that you killed both the beast and the monstrous woman who kept the beast captive.
I just wish that you hadn’t had to deal with another horror.
A month later?
Well, you know, don’t you?
I got the news that you had disappeared from your flat. I’ll admit, the first thought I had was that something happened to you.
But thinking on it more, I realized that you just had grown tired of being controlled and went against my orders. I know now that that’s not exactly what happened.
But I also just accepted it.
I told the person who informed me that you left, to report in every half hour. I told them to be careful with you when they brought you back. I know that excuses nothing, but I didn’t want any of them hurting you.
I know now that you left to meet that stranger, because of Kazumi. I just want to let you know, that even if you didn’t trust me at all? You could have talked to me. I could have told you that Kazumi was safe.
I kept an eye on her too, remember?
Maeda told me that he didn’t believe you leaving to be like you and I agreed, though I didn’t say that to him.
It was why that worry for you persisted in the back of my mind.
There was a devilbeast that I was going to try to kill, but to my surprise? Bates showed up. He was in his full devilman form, and he tore the thing apart.
I was confused as to why he was there. But I honestly didn’t care. Bates oversteps his bounds too much, and thinks he’s owed something. That’s just who he is.
And it wasn’t until I heard from his supervisors that I learned something rather disturbing. Apparently, Bates had been experimenting with devilbeast DNA.
He was trying to see if he could make super soldiers with the devilbeast DNA. That’s right, he was trying to make more devilbeasts, to make his country more powerful than the other countries.
Any more questions about why I had Bates locked up where you found him?
I kept my ear open for any information on the people I sent out to find you, as well.
And you were found of course, later, by the soldiers I sent out. They found you unconscious and exhausted.
They brought back the photographs that were taken by that man. You were brought to the infirmary, and I pieced together what had happened.
The man that lured you there, must have used Kazumi as bait, even if he didn’t have her, and tried to “expose you.”
I saw the photos. I can’t say I feel too bad about him having died like that. Though I know you do.
The photo of you crying…………it troubled me. It wasn’t because I thought you to be weak, it was because it troubled me that that lowlife of a man had gotten to you. That you didn’t see value in yourself, and it was so easy for him to get under your skin.
Am I wrong that that was what happened? I was not there, but am I wrong that that was what happened?
The man blamed you for some horrible tragedy in his life, even though you were hunting the creatures that most likely stole his family from him, and he blamed you? I feel no sympathy for him that he died.
To be perfectly blunt, I feel more bad for his wife and child for having to have him in their lives.
When I approached you in the infirmary and gave you the photo of you in your devilman form, crying, and asked, “Didn’t you say you were going to get stronger?” I know it was a low thing to do, but to think that such an idiot like that man could make you insecure, was………..upsetting.
This was the type of gratitude you got from normal humans for protecting humanity.
It at times makes me wonder if anyone deserves your protection.
You asked me when I was about to leave the infirmary, what we were doing here, and if what we were doing did any good.
I admit I still think it’s a bit late for that.
But I had to agree with your assessment, though, not for the reasons that you were thinking that our fight was pointless.
You most likely thought that our fight was pointless because devilbeasts just kept emerging.
I was beginning to think our fight was pointless, because human beings were an ungrateful lot.
Then again, it’s not like the two conclusions aren’t both right.
Still, what are we to do, Jun? Let violent devilbeasts prosper and continue killing people?
Am I a monster for wanting devilbeasts that kill people, to be killed? If a human serial killer was running around, killing people, would it be an inhuman thing to do to want that killer dead?
Then…………well, you know what happened next, don’t you?
There were bodies reported being found around the city. Bodies tossed onto high places, dropped onto traffic lights, onto telephone poles and other areas.
Left there by some unknown murderer who had dragged the bodies up then dropped them down.
No one had to tell me. I was sure it was a beast. I didn’t even have to look at the wounds on the bodies to jump to this conclusion.
And there were reports of very large birds in the city, as well.
A bird devilbeast. That was all it could be.
I heard what happened with Kazumi, Jun. I’m sorry. I swear, I didn’t know she was going to be targeted.
I thought we were keeping her safe. But of course, if that idiotic man that blamed you for his family’s death was able to get close enough to her to get you to think he was holding her hostage? Then clearly, it would be no difficulty for a devilbeast to grab her.
Around this time, my view on devilbeasts admittedly, was beginning to change.
There were more and more reported cases of devilbeasts, yes, but the majority of them? Weren’t violent.
They weren’t attacking people. They just wanted to be left alone or have a normal life.
I was at one of the further offices, away from the city, and the guards dragged in a young devilbeast; he resembled a raccoon. And he was pleading, promising he’d never hurt anyone.
He was so scared, Jun.
I watched him be carried and I knew, if he was as dangerous as the guards thought he was? Then there was no way that the guards wouldn’t have been in danger from him.
Yet they were able to carry him through the facility like it was nothing.
He was not a threat. But in the eyes of the corporation I work for, just because he was a devilbeast, he by default, was dangerous.
An officer came over and placed the barrel of the gun to the raccoon devilbeast’s head.
I actually almost stepped forward to try to stop it.
But I didn’t. I knew I couldn’t.
You can go ahead and call me a coward or a bigot all you want, Jun, but the only thing that went through my mind was, if I interfered, and more attention was brought to me, what would happen to you?
So, yes, I swallowed down my self-disgust as the devilbeast’s brains were blown out.
I’m sorry, I know that’s not what you want to hear. But it was what happened. I started realizing that I couldn’t see devilbeasts or devilmen the same way I did before.
But I also realized that if I did anything at all to warrant suspicion? You could be put in danger.
I know that this sounds like I’m trying to garner unwarranted gratitude, but if I was arrested, you would have been in a lot more danger. I’m sorry but that’s just the truth. I swear, I’m not trying to build myself up in your eyes. It’s just a fact. A lot of the other people in my position? Would have had you locked in a small room with all the walls and doors electrocuted and study you and only bring you out when they need you to fight beasts.
I know that a cage is a cage, no matter what, and that what few allowances I gave you, still wasn’t much, but I was actually moderately reasonable as a “handler” next to all the rest.
For example, when you found Bates where you found him? Don’t you think there was a reason that Bates was in that state and you were allowed a more or less comfortable room with a nurse to regularly check in on you? And yes, part of it was because of my feelings for you. But a huge part of it, as well? Was because I knew you didn’t deserve to be treated like a monster. But Bates did, because he was endangering Japan, and any other country that wasn’t the United States, with his schemes. He might even been endangering his own country, because he definitely didn’t know what he was doing. That was why I had him locked up in the state that he was in.
I know that that’s not an excuse for how I treated you or for what you’ve been through.
But it’s all the more reason why I realized I had to be careful, in that moment.
I then learned that the man who we had watching you, was killed. Maeda told me.
He told me how Kazumi was taken, how you almost died. How you couldn’t find her after destroying a group of the bird devilbeasts.
And how later? You found her-or thought you had found her, at the place where her house used to be.
Maeda told me how he drove you and the supposed Kazumi back to your apartment, and then Maeda heard a call from the real Kazumi.
And that he rushed into the apartment building, and stabbed the thing that was pretending to be Kazumi, revealing it to be yet another devilbeast.
I heard that the beast that pretended to be Kazumi was killed by Maeda.
And you dealt with the much larger devilbeast. I saw the footage. And so did………many others.
There was no concealing it now, of course.
You saved those people. You saved all of them. Never doubt for a second that you are a hero.
Unfortunately, people are not so understanding to heroes, especially when the hero does not fit their narrow viewpoint on what a hero is “supposed to be.”
But you are a hero. I know it. Maeda knows it. And that phone call you got from Kazumi? Didn’t that tell you that she knew you were a hero too?
Unfortunately, it didn’t change that devilbeasts still were a threat and running rampant.
When there were a bunch of them, killing people out in the woods, we tracked them down, weeks later.
You remember? How hellish it was. The devilbeasts had slaughtered a load of children. And we opened fire on them, destroying where they were hiding, setting fire to that place. I know that day haunts you, just because of the blood and fire alone.
But you know what those devilbeasts were doing right? They weren’t like the raccoon devilbeast that I wished I could have saved.
They were killing children.
Now, here’s the part that I know that you’re going to have questions about.
Yes, I ordered that you be put in the infirmary and be supervised and not let out. I’m sorry. I know there’s nothing I can do to make up for it, but I promise I was trying to protect you.
I swear I was.
I know it must have felt like I was betraying you. I’m sorry for that. But I could see it. You were falling apart.
The pressures that humans were putting on you. the pressures the devilbeasts were putting on you. It was beginning to drive you over the edge. And I knew it.
It wasn’t for the safety of others. It was for your safety.
I know that my apologies are pitiful. But I swear I was trying to protect you. I kept an eye on Kazumi.
She was fine.
I heard what happened when you were in that room. The nightmares you had. And I know that you attacked the nurse.
It wasn’t your fault. I never should have put you in that room in the first place.
I still believe that you were unraveling during that period, but you being in that room obviously did nothing to help you.
If it makes you feel better at all, that nurse is alright. She’s been recovering quickly with proper care.
But you had broken out.
I had ordered the soldiers that in no certain terms, were they to try to kill you. Just contain you.
But I knew they wouldn’t listen.
So, when the board of directors told me of what was happening asking what we were to do then, I didn’t wait.
I left his office, and got went right to where you were.
They were firing at you. I was furious. I honestly wanted to kill the soldiers firing at you.
But more than anyone else, Jun? I was furious with myself.
You were in this situation because of me. Because I had miscalculated.
Because I hadn’t known how to properly take care with your trauma.
I approached you, where you were, screaming and roaring, with a wall of flames next to us.
I didn’t care if you slashed at me. I knew that they already had decided that you should be marked for dead anyway, if you killed me-they were just going to hurry along with what they already had decided. At least I had to try to soothe you.
I stepped before you, allowed you to see me, to process that I was there.
Only then did I approach you again.
As soon as I was only a few inches from you, I saw you try to crawl back. I felt so sad seeing you like this.
A selfless, strong, beautiful and kind devil woman, reduced to how frightened you were. And I was a part of it.
I leaned down to a crouch, reached out and took you into my arms, not caring that you could have torn me apart at any moment. I would have deserved it, as well, had you decided to do it or had you lost control and did it.
I was relieved that you didn’t resist, but not for myself. I was relieved because I was scared that the soldiers would kill you.
So yes, I was relieved, completely relieved, when you collapsed in my arms.
I smiled, because you could release some of your pain. Some of your stress.
I know these words were most likely condescending, but I said the only words that I could think of, the only words that seemed to fit the situation, “You were frightened, weren’t you? You poor, sweet thing…………Jun.”
I know it’s self-serving of me to think, but it made my heart warm at the sight of you changing back from your devilman form to your human form, placated, and crying in relief. I was happy that I could help you.
But all I did was save you from a situation that I had caused, didn’t I?
I knew it even then, so, even when you were calm and human in my arms, and I promised you I’d keep you safe it felt hollow even to my ears.
When the soldiers drove off, I knew that they’d demand to keep you in that room. And I knew that I’d have to go along with it. But I never so much as one time, was happy to do it. And I kept a close watch on you, if I needed to protect you.
I also know that I have no right to ask forgiveness of you, for all I’ve done. You’ve been through enough because of me, without me feeling entitled to your forgiveness.