Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Year 854.

I wasn’t sure where I was. 

Even if it was the same moist air I was tasting, it didn’t help that this cell contained no window. The lights dimming was my only cue that it was time for sleep. Magath was an inconsiderate asshole.

How was I to do so without a bed? 

My eyes wandered around the empty cell and settled on the food smeared all over the walls. My stomach screamed for anything. Anything to consume. I told it to shut up.

I crave nothing but a shard of glass. Poison might also do the trick if they’re feeling compassionate. 

I’ve been in this cell for god knows how long. I used to count the cracks in the ceiling just to feel time moving, but then I started seeing faces in them. A clock would have helped greatly but Magath didn’t deem me sane enough to be surrounded by any item I could hurt myself with. 

No glass, no metal. The pencil I was given has been worn down to a useless stub. It was too soft to cut, too dull to bruise. All I had left was the floor. The first time I tried to smack my head against it, the guards came rushing in. I wasn’t sure if they were more annoyed or entertained. One of them stepped on my hand and told me to not cause another scene unless I actually succeeded in killing myself. 

Trust me, I’m trying. Why do they have to make it so hard?

With the tortuous dimming of the light, I had to squint my eyes to see what I was violently scribbling on the ground. It didn’t help that it was already full of my previous drawings and that all the lines were beginning to smear into one big mess of neurons connecting to each other. Whatever is left of them, anyways. 

I didn’t even hear the door open. The footsteps were only background noise and never stopped my movements unless a voice spoke. Like it did now.

“What are you drawing?” 

My head lifted up. Not because I find any interest in what Commander Magath has to say, but because my throat itches. He visits me so rarely that I sometimes forget I’m still capable of speaking. Some days I worry I’ll say something and not recognize my voice.

“Horns.” I muttered. “Do you like them?”

He peered over my scribbling and frowned. Maybe it was difficult to tell where one drawing started and where the other one ended. “They look like wings.” 

“Were you never told that it’s incredibly offensive to label an artist’s artwork?” 

“I’m only making sure you’re not lying to me–” 

“You called the horns I worked so hard on ‘Wings’.”  My gaze narrowed on his countenance. “Don’t upset me. You know what happens when I get upset, right?”

 I aligned the pen to my throat and mimicked the movement I’d make if I were to pierce it through. If I was convinced it was my ticket out, I would’ve done it. Somehow I suspected that this dull end would only leave me with an injury no one would care enough to fix. 

I craved death, not torture. 

“Do you hate yourself so much?” He questioned and I ignored the hint of concern in his voice. 

“On the contrary.” I answered. “I think I love myself. I love myself so much that I want to die. I deserve the peace death has to offer. Is that so wrong?”  

Magath didn’t reply. He never truly did when I got like this. Instead, he’d take out his stupid little notebook and write something down. 

I snorted and went back to scratching at the ground. The lines were nearly indistinguishable now. Shapes were overlapping and symbols folded into one another. I didn’t know what I was trying to draw anymore. And then without looking up, I spoke, “Did you know your heartbeat slows down before you die?”

His hand paused for a second before it resumed its course. 

“It’s not sudden,” I continued. “It’s gentle. Your limbs get cold. You feel lighter than anything you’ve ever felt. And for a second, you think you’re about to float.”

“You talk a lot.” He crouched to my level and spoke softly. “So much that you didn’t notice the tea I brought for you.” 

This caused my eyes to jerk up at the cup he held, shaped by the dim light coming from upstairs. “Really?” 

He used a set of dangling keys to unlock the cell door and placed the cup on the ground. When he closed back the door, I crawled to it and felt the comforting warmth that emanated from the cup as I picked it up. 

He watched me carefully. “It’s weird, you know. I always took you for a coffee person. You used to hate tea.” 

I hummed carelessly at his comment and looked down at the green liquid, “Did you put something in it?” 

“Do you care?”

My eyes locked on his. I’m sure my question was purely instinctual without any genuine regard for the answer. I took a sip and immediately scrunched up my nose in disgust. “No wonder I used to hate it. You can’t even brew it right.” 

“Then who can?” He questioned. “Perhaps they could teach me.”

My gaze met him once more. I’ve gotten accustomed to being assessed as though I was a lab rat with a fevered mind to diagnose. Each of Magath’s visits had followed the same pattern: he’d sit across from me like a priest before the possessed, praying I’d exorcise the sickness. That I’d claw my way back to Marley by summoning the same dedication I once bore toward it. That I could choke the echo that’s been ringing in the back of my mind, and taunting me for what I’ve done. 

I fiddled with the cup for a moment before pouring the substance down on the ground. I watched as it sucked it in like a black hole, and giggled at his scowl. “What’s wrong? You look angry.” 

He rubbed his temple, “Come on, Yeager. Give me something.” 

“Yeager.” I repeated. “Has it been so long that we’ve resorted to formalities, Commander?”

It was difficult to get a sense of time and space when I was stuck in a basement, fixed six feet down below with no sunlight to confirm that the world was still spinning.  I wouldn’t believe it, anyway. 

My world did stop spinning that day. 

My sore muscles never allowed me to stay too long in one position. I waited for my body to adjust to the freezing sensation the ground offered before completely resting my back against it, head looking up at the ceiling. “I know you’ll most likely say no. But would it be possible for you to bring me a ladder?” 

He frowned. 

“I want to draw stars so I can at least pretend to know when the sun has set.” I was hypnotized by the canopy my mind conjured up. I peeked at him. “What day are we?”

“I don’t believe it’s a good idea.” 

“Can you not grant me one single favour, Commander?”

He sighed through his nose.

“It’s July 1st, 851. You’ve been in this cell for four years.” 

There was just this strange stillness inside me. I was stuck between two truths: one, that I had made it through four years of this. And two, that it hadn’t been worth it. Unfortunately, time was the one thing I had in abundance. I used to reassure myself by thinking that enduring this hell would count for something but the only thing it’s proven is that I can still manage to breathe even after I’ve stopped wanting to. 

I finally looked at him with glassy eyes. “Wow, you must’ve been busy. Are the allied forces of the Mid-East still kicking our asses?” 

He ignored me, eliciting an annoyed groan out of me, “Oh come on, you have to admit it’s funny that we have the cart titan, the armoured, the beast titan, the war hammer titan and we’re still losing. Thank god I’ve been stuck in this hole, let me tell you, I would not even dare to show my face if I were you-” 

“Enough.”  I couldn’t exactly decipher his face but I could detect the familiar sternness. “The whole nation is calling for your execution.” 

“Oh.” My lips formed a straight line. “Well I guess I have no other choice but to go tell the nation to not call for my execution. That should calm them down.”

“Do you think I have time for your jokes?”

I tried my best to suppress my laugh. “It’s a democracy. Give the people what they want.” 

“I’m afraid I can’t do that.” 

“And why is that?”

“Because you lied.” He stated, causing me to arch an unimpressed brow.

“You’re going to have to be more specific than that. I lied about many things.” 

It was only then that his back left the wall and he slowly approached me. “Four years ago, you testified in front of the entire nation and confessed to killing the female titan Annie Leonhart, and the Colossal titan Bertolt Hoover. You claimed that you would have delivered the final blow on Reiner Braun if it were not for Zeke stopping you.” 

My body slightly stiffened at the mention of my brother, but if Magath noticed, he didn’t let it show. He then continued. “You proclaimed yourself an Eldian Restorationist.” 

I shrugged. “Like daughter, like father.” 

“Lift up your shirt.”

“No offense, but you were always a father figure to me. I’m not exactly into incest–” 

He rubbed his temple, his patience wearing thin. “Show me the damn scar on your stomach.”

I considered his request. Or more like his order. What else did I have to lose? Perhaps it could convince him that I was not worth saving. “As you wish, Commander.” With that, my fingers slowly lifted up the part that concealed the cross-shaped scar on my stomach. I then held out my forearm, hoping that even the dim light could catch the discoloration of the second identical one. “I’d say I did a pretty good job at replicating the one my father gave me. What do you think?”

A thick silence hovered over our heads before he answered. “I think that you didn’t give yourself that scar.” 

My eyelids began fluttering erratically. I hated the way my body would involuntarily react to simple words. 

“I’ve known you since you were a child. You trained under my supervision and gathered meaningful intel that helped the Marleyan military defeat multiple enemies.You were never on your father’s side. And yet, when it came down to the 845 Paradis invasion, you left this country, proud to prove yourself to Marley only to return and take all of the blame. Who are you trying to protect, Yeager?”

I brought my knees to my chest, hugging them tightly. I didn’t respond. 

“I see.” He conceded. “Your brother misses you a lot.” 

The abrupt change of topic forced my gaze upward. “You only have yourself to blame for that.” 

Whatever comeback he prepared was severed by a familiar voice. “She’s right, you know.” 

The only thing I caught in the distant light was a subtle glint of blond hair and my entire body stiffened. My brain really was a treacherous thing. I backed away slightly, hoping to put as much distance between myself and the fleeting image of a man I once called a friend. I never even had the strength to bury him properly. Did he even receive a burial? 

It was only when the figure approached that mind finally pieced together reality and Zeke’s calm expression gazed back at him. “Relax,” he murmured, “It’s just me.” 

Somehow, I couldn’t tell which was worse. 

Magath’s posture tensed with an unmistakable irritation and he turned on his heel. “What do you think you’re doing? All warriors were given a clear order to oversee Tybur’s speech.” 

“They’re here.” Zeke informed him. 

Who’s here? 

Though no further explanation was needed because as soon as their eyes locked, whatever tension had been carved into Magath’s jaw softened in an instant. My brows furrowed when he leaned in and whispered words I couldn’t catch in my brother’s ears. And with one last nod of acknowledgement to him, the commander walked out. 

My momentary internal questioning about wherever Magath was heading faded into a conflicted expression. I blinked in a fractured rhythm, “Where have you been?”

He ignored my question and his eyes trailed over my broken frame. I knew I lost weight since the last time he visited me a year ago. There was no mirror here. I couldn’t remember the curve of my cheek, or the shape of my mouth when it smiled. I didn’t know if my eyes had dulled. I only had my brother’s eyes now and I searched them with a quiet desperation that they’d offer something back.

 He looked over the smudged food on the wall, “The food wasn’t to your liking?”

“If they’d sprinkled a bit of poison in it, I might’ve reconsidered.”

He chuckled and I didn’t take his insensitivity to heart. I was glad I could still make someone laugh. “I thought you’d never come back.”

He readjusted his glasses and I could tell he was only stalling. For what, though? I had no clue and didn’t care to ask. “I always come back. I don't abandon my family.” 

“Could’ve fooled me. You haven’t shown your face in over a year.” 

“I was busy.” 

A beat of silence passed. Then, slowly, I pushed myself to my feet and took a few steps toward him.

“I know Magath prohibited all visits. But that’s not all, is it?” 

“Oh, here we go–“

“You felt guilty.” The chuckle that followed was difficult to suppress. I couldn’t help but find the situation quite humorous. “You were terrified of watching your little sister fall apart after you sent her to that cursed island and used her for a plan you never told her a thing about.” 

“You and I both know it wouldn’t have mattered.” He defended. “You would’ve still gone.” 

Any outsider might have mistaken his tone for gratitude.  No, he was simply calling me out for being weak. There was an odd sort of unspoken understanding between us that I’d protect him. He knew too. He was never worried that I would turn against him when he threw me inside this cell under the government’s orders. And I doubt he ever felt the slightest remorse whenever he used that attachment to his advantage. 

He felt the need to prove his point further, “You never told General Calvi the reason you stalled for time in Paradis.” 

“And why would I?” 

His expression turned thoughtful. “You tell me.” 

“They would’ve killed you.” I said, forehead resting against the bars now, voice mock-sweet. “I’m starting to think you’re the suicidal one.” 

He spread his arms out in a theatrical motion, “Well, see. It didn’t kill you to tell the truth for once, did it? Even though you probably wish it did.”  He pinched the bridge of his nose and laughed at his own joke. “Anyways, tantrum over right? Because like it or not, we need to talk.” 

“I don’t care what little monologue you rehearsed before walking in here. Just give me a knife.” 

“How many times will I have to repeat it for your schizophrenic brain to get it?” He laughed. “I don’t abandon my family.” 

“The same way you left our parents’ fate to the hands of the Marleyan military?” 

“The same ones who left you with this nasty Eldian restorationist scar?” He leaned his forearm against the cell as he stared at my forearm.

Truth be told, as much as I hoped my eyes could convey the anger I felt, I think everything that made me human was sucked out of my soul. I completely forgot what facial expression was associated with what emotion. I could only stare at him with detached eyes. My own body stopped trying to understand me.

“They would’ve doomed you. I saved you twice, Isla.” 

“And the second time..” he continued.

I shook my head. “Stop.”  

“No, I think you need a reminder-” 

“I don’t need a fucking reminder.” My voice rose as I threw the pencil against the cell bars and a small clang rang. 

They always said I’ve been infected and I can’t exactly blame them. There’s no version of me left untouched by the devil in green. That’s what they call him. Every thought I conjure up eventually returns to him, and I can’t utter a word without hearing how he would respond. 

I sunk back to the ground and brought my knees closer to my chest. My voice was small when I spoke, “You know, call me delusional if you will but I used to think that you cared for me.” 

“I do.” 

“Then put me out of my misery.” 

He sighed like I was annoying him. “Are you asking me to kill you?”

“As if.” I scoffed. “You were never the one to pull the trigger. Just the one handing the gun. But for once, I’m giving you the opportunity to turn the tables and finally make Dad proud.” I tilted my head up. “Come on, Zeke. He’s looking down at us right now.”

His eyes narrowed slightly, that subtle twitch in the jaw that meant I was pushing the right buttons.

 “What if I started talking?” I tilted my head like a curious child, “I’m a liability. I’m already half-insane. All it would take is one slip, and poof– your whole precious plan falls apart.” 

Still, he said nothing. 

“God, you’re boring when you want to be noble,” I spat. “Kill me. End it. What did you call me once? A ticking bomb waiting to explode?” I held out my arms, “Tick, tick, tick.”

Suddenly, his face released all the tension he was holding and he gave me that smile he only ever wore when it was time for battle. “If you insist.” 

His hand slid through his trench coat’s pocket and what he pulled out made a bile rise up my throat. The last time I’ve seen this dagger was in Paradis. In the hands of— 

“How do you have that?” 

He chuckled. “Weren’t you eager to end yourself just a minute before?”

“Why do you have that dagger?” I didn’t realize I was shaking.  

He raised a brow as if the answer should be obvious, “I’m saving you for the third time.” 

He chucked it underneath the metal bars and I didn’t hesitate to bend down to pick it up. I didn’t realize how erratic my breathing pace has gotten until the urge to shove this blade down my chest returned. It couldn’t be the real one. 

“You forged it.” Accusation mixed with denial was laced in my tone. 

“I didn’t.”

“That’s impossible.” I shook my head. “If that was the case, that would mean you-”, my voice trailed off as my eyes locked on his. 

“Why do you think I’ve been so busy this year, hm?” He cocked his head to the side. “Why do you think I didn’t visit you during that time?” 

He’s made contact. 

My body bolted upright. One second I was standing, and the next, I was doubled over, clutching my stomach. I barely made it to the corner of the room before I threw up. It hit the ground in dark streaks of blood, the only thing I’d managed to keep down since I drank that wretched tea. 

I coughed again. More followed. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and stared at the red staining my fingers. God, I wish I could empty out my stomach of every memory my brain refused to let go of.

“Where is he?” I breathed out. 

“Here.”

My eyes widened and a crushing pressure closed around my throat, squeezing out any remaining air. “Zeke, this isn’t funny.” 

“Don’t tell me you can’t hear anything.” He gave me a onceover. “Magath’s done a commendable job at convincing you you’re ill enough to dull your senses,” He mused, head tilted as if detecting a faint melody.

Oxygen was getting harder to grasp. “Magath. Where did he go? What’s going on out there?” 

 “Shh Isla, you’re ruining the melody.” He perked his head, half smiling. “Gunshots: one, two, three. Ooh, that one was particularly loud. I wonder who died.”

At first, it was like remembering a song I hadn’t heard in a long time. But the high-pitched whine of whirring couldn’t be mistaken for anything other than the ODM gear. The hiss and click of grapples embedding into stone. Movement too fast to be classified as belonging to a human and yet, it very much was. 

“The Survey Corps infiltrated.” My voice trembled. “That’s why you came.” 

“If he is here,” I managed weakly, “then why am I still alive?” 

“We struck a deal.” He leveled his voice. “I’d collaborate with them and go to Paradis on my own free will.”

As soon as my brain processed the words, my pacing around the limited space halted. I didn’t hesitate and marched toward the metal bars to meet my brother more closely. I didn’t know who I wanted to kill more. Myself, my brother or him. 

 “You knew.” I rasped. “This whole time, you knew he was alive.” 

“Don’t act so surprised.” He replied smoothly, adjusting his glasses. “You did too. Even if you spent the past four years claiming otherwise.”

He stared at me and I wanted to claw his eyes out because I always hated that stare. It was like holding a mirror up and waiting for me to look into it. Instead, I dragged my palms through the blood I’d just coughed up and smeared it across the walls, over the drawings I left behind. Tornadoes, wings, horns, tea. 

“You aren’t crazy, Isla.” He added. “You just got too good at pretending you were. Because if you weren’t insane, you’d have to admit that you always felt him somewhere. And of course, I don’t blame you. You chose to believe that death held him back from coming for you rather than face the other alternative: he simply didn’t care enough to come.” 

“Stop talking.” My nails scraped at the drawings, desperate to rip off the tapestry. 

“I thought it was ridiculous at first,” Zeke continued. “The idea that two people could be so close, yet so far away. But then, when I asked Eren about Mikasa Ackerman, his eyes told me everything.” A small chuckle escaped him. “Between you and me, I’m starting to feel a little left out. You two are more similar than I thought.”

My body snapped around and my eyes clashed furiously against his. “I am nothing like Eren.”

And as if on cue, a roar that I never thought I’d hear again sounded. It was so loud that I was convinced Magath left the door open. Or maybe they weren’t as far as I originally thought. I brought my hands to my ears on instinct and covered them but my balance quickly gave out as the ground shook. 

My brother, in contrast to my reaction, was the picture of calmness. He looked like he rejoiced in the sound of the screams that followed. “I wish I could say I’ll miss Liberio but I’d be lying.” 

“Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” I asked in a breathy voice. “You’ve invited the founder and a spinning tornado inside our country. They won’t leave without drawing blood.” 

“I can handle Eren.” He retorted and I wanted to scoff so badly at his confidence. “You, however, are in charge of the spinning tornado.” He smiled as he motioned toward the dagger I grasped for dear life. “Don’t you think it’s time for a reunion?”

“You’re out of your mind.”

“I meant what I said before. You are a ticking bomb waiting to explode.” He eyed the dust raining down from the ceiling. At this rate, we’ll both be buried before this conversation is over. “But I do hope that when you do, it’ll be in his vicinity.”

“You need to get out of here.” 

He hummed in agreement. “Then you better hurry and answer my question. Who is Levi Ackerman to you?” 

I froze. No matter how hard I tried to beat it out of my head, burn it off my tongue or sever it from my spine, that name would always follow me. And the memories that clung to it would always follow. It was never made a rule and yet, all the officials somehow knew not to say his name in my presence. It was now made clear why when my knees buckled beneath me and I collapsed onto the floor. 

I could whisper “the devil in green” all I wanted, could curse him into the walls and the floor, but in the end, if I hated that devil, and yet kept chasing his ghost, then what did that make me? My breath came in short bursts as I rocked slightly back and forth, trying to make sense of a thousand thoughts screaming over each other.

“I’m waiting, little sister.” He mused. 

The ceiling above us groaned again, “The entire building is on the verge of collapsing. You need to leave.” 

“Not until you answer my question.” 

"Why are you doing this?” 

“Simply because I need you to stay on my side.” He said gently. “Because he won’t stay on yours.”  He clasped the bars. “But to do that, you need to remember what he did and what he left you to become.”

I looked down at the blade and the dried blood that adorned it. My grip on it tightened and at the same time, a chunk of stone ripped loose from the ceiling, crashing where I’d just been standing. It wouldn’t have missed me had I not moved.

It’s terrifying how even after my mind has already signed the death certificate, my instincts refuse to let go. Because somehow the only thing that’s worse than remembering him is forgetting him.

“You won’t be able to kill him until you hate him enough.” 

I stared at him unblinking and his smile crept back. “So here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to stop pretending your mind is too far gone and you’re going to remember everything.”

His voice dipped to a near whisper. “Tell me what happened on Paradis.” 

He reached for the keys at his belt and let them dangle, metal clinking like the ticking of a clock.

“And I’ll open this door.”

9 years ago - Year 845

Chapter Text

Year 845

It was the big day.

I rummaged through my room with a string of curses slipping out of my tongue. If it was an average white armband that I lost, I wouldn’t be so bothered. It’s not as if it’s anything to take pride in. Nothing was appealing about food flying from all angles at you when I ventured out in public. But that red one was different. 

Thanks to it, things were different. My unquestionable loyalty to my homeland was finally recognized, enough to overlook my background. Acceptance, respect, and recognition—these were the gifts wrapped within the deep crimson of the armband. And yet, that thing was nowhere to be found. 

I sneaked a peek outside the window and spotted people starting to assemble. My heart raced. I couldn’t be late again. I promised it to them.

I yanked open the closest drawer, muttering under my breath, "Fuck’s sake, where is that armband?" 

I opened the same drawer once more for about the 50th time in ten minutes, hoping it would magically materialize.

"Yeager," the sudden call snapped me out of my thoughts, causing me to slightly jump. Magath appeared in the doorway, his perpetual stern expression etched onto his face ever since he was assigned as the head of the Warrior unit. Whenever he paid me a visit, it usually foreshadowed either a reprimand or a promotion.

I raised my right hand in a salute. "Chief."

"The ceremony is about to begin. Are you too busy renovating your room?" His gaze drifted towards the pile of clothes scattered carelessly around.

"I don't have my armband, sir. I must've misplaced it somewhere," I replied, almost embarrassed. It was a huge honor to receive one of those and it wouldn't be surprising if losing it gave off the impression of a lack of gratitude toward the nation.

His expression was as hard as granite, sizing me up before presenting a red armband.

My eyes lit up. “Is that?” 

 "You left it at last night's meeting," he placed it gently on my nightstand. He had a ceremony to take part in, which is why it confused me when he closed up to the window, seemingly lost in thought. His arms locked behind his back.

"Chief..? Surely, you didn't just come all the way here only to hand me an armband." He didn’t respond so I decided to fill the quiet silence. “I mean, not that I particularly mind. It’s just that I know you’re really busy as the head of the warrior unit. Honestly, I don’t even know how you keep track of everything. If I were you, I’d have just thrown the armband at me and called it a day.”

Still no response. 

“You didn’t even yell at me. Not that you’re always yelling. You’re just a little stern but in a respectable way, obviously. So it’s more in a ‘wow, he’s definitely seen some things’ kind of way, not in a ‘oh god he’s gonna kill me’ way, although, to be fair, I’ve thought that too a couple of times–”

“Yeager.” 

“Yes, sir?”

“You talk too much.” 

My lips fell in a straight line and I positioned myself beside him, following his line of sight to the four children the entire ceremony was dedicated to. 

Today marked the end of the Warriors' training and the beginning of their service to Marley.. Being a warrior wasn’t easy. The success rate was about ten percent and that is if they make it past the third year. Their tireless efforts finally paid off.

I barely had time to register Porco lunging at Reiner before Magath spoke again, "They'll be dispatched tomorrow at sunset."

"Wait, what?" I stared at him in disbelief. "But Zeke said—"

"Zeke said that it would be months before their deployment," Magath finished my sentence, “General Calvi begged to differ on this timeline. As we converse right now, many Middle East nations are expressing skepticism about Marley's international power. Our military is resolved to eradicate such doubts, and harnessing the untapped fossil fuels of Paradis is the perfect strategy to bolster our defenses."

He was right. But that couldn't be worth sending out four newly appointed warriors. "What else do they hope to gain?"

"The Founding Titan. You know as well as I do that he needs to be retrieved."

This brought up another challenge. For Marley, seizing the power of the Founder was as good as declaring victory. But if our warriors fell during this mission, it would all be pointless.

"They're not ready." I said quietly, eyes observing Bertolt's futile attempts to break up the fight between Reiner and Porco.

"I agree."

General Calvi respected Magath's opinion, perhaps he could change his mind if he put in a word for everyone's sake. "Then why not object? I'm sure he'll take what you say into consideration if—"

"He will not wait. He's against any challenge to Marley's authority. Being seen as a vulnerable country exposes us directly to possible assaults."

I sighed in irritation. General Calvi has always been one selfish asshole.

"You are right though. He did take some things I said into consideration such as the fact that sending these kids on their own isn't ideal."

It was only in the face of his countenance that refused to meet my gaze, that realization slowly dawned on me. “I should’ve expected it.” 

Of course, they’d want to send me. I was barely tolerated by anyone who waved at me in public. This was the cleanest way to get rid of a liability while dressing it up as heroism. If I died, they’d finally be free of Grisha Yeager’s daughter. If I succeeded, I’d be the reason they lived decades free of fear. 

"It was your brother's idea. These kids are brimming with potential but as it turns out," he motioned toward the window, "they're prone to impulsive actions. Losing their powers would be a significant setback for Marley. We can’t afford to risk it."

"Why me though?" I couldn't help but ask. 

"Have I ever taught you to doubt yourself?" he pointed out. "I trust you to stay alive, and so does your brother. You may not be a warrior, but we both know you're one of the best fighters we've got. I bet you've got their respect already. They're ready to follow you."

"So, what's holding you back? Use your executive power and just give me the order."

"I don't think there's a need," he replied. "You were already planning to volunteer."

The sigh that escaped my mouth was met with a glint in his eyes, one fueled only by the certainty he was correct. 

My eyes were still trained on the warriors. They interacted with an audience of Marleyan citizens, exchanging handshakes repeatedly until Reiner caught my gaze and excitedly waved. Bertolt followed suit from the stage, his grin wide as can be. Annie offered a more guarded smile.

Zeke spared me the heavy training warriors have undergone by becoming one himself, automatically granting me the same status as him. But it came at a cost—his life was now shortened to 13 years. I despised discussing his remaining time, so much so I stopped keeping track. 

Now, these kids were subjected to the same fate. If they only had 13 years to live, I wanted those to be lived out to the fullest. And the best way to ensure this was to render this mission a success. They'll be praised and never talked down upon.

“I know you have faith in me.” I muttered. “But if anything, these children in their titan forms could do a better job at protecting me. And of course I’m willing to sacrifice myself to protect them, but if my sacrifice doesn’t amount to anything and we still lose them, what’s the point?” 

“Although your main task is to lead them the whole way through, leave the fighting to them. They've been rigorously trained for any scenario. You, on the other hand, should gather as much intelligence as possible on how things work from the inside."

I was unsure whether to feel offended. “What are you trying to say?”

“I’m saying they don’t need your fists. They need your mind.” 

“Are you calling me smart, Commander?” 

“Smart would be a stretch.” He deadpanned. 

That earned the smallest upward twitch of my mouth. 

“I often tell you that you talk a lot,” he added. “But people trust those who talk. They let their guard down because they stop seeing you as a threat when you give too much away. You know what to say and when to say it which makes you a great spy.”

My shoulders straightened slightly. “When you put it like that, I almost sound evil.”

“You’ll gain their trust,” he said, certain. “And once you do, I expect you to use that trust wisely. Extract what you can. Understand how they think, how they move. Defeating these devils may prove arduous if we can't even wrap our heads around how their civilization survived this long.”

"I'm in," I affirmed, though he wasn't surprised and didn't even look at me. Aside from Zeke, Magath knew me better than most. After all, it was him who had taken me under his wing when Zeke was selected as a warrior candidate. But my brother already proved himself. Now I suppose it was my turn. I headed toward the bedside to fetch my red armband.

"Isla," his voice halted my action mid-way, "You don't need it. You're a Marleyan. Act like one."

I blinked in surprise, not only at his unusual compliment but the first-name basis that he just employed for the first time ever. I was about to leave before a question slipped out. “Will I see you again?” 

He frowned.

“Before I leave for Paradis, I mean.” I clarified.

“I’ll be out of town.” 

“Right, duty calls.” I muttered, scratching my head as I racked for the right words. “I know I was a risk. You gave me a chance at life when General Calvi advocated for my execution.”

“I trained you harder than I trained anyone.” 

“I don’t hold it against you.” My fingers tightened around the armband. “Pain was the only way you could measure how badly I wanted it.”

“And what was it that you wanted? Recognition?” 

Anything that could come out of my mouth would be a lie so I decided to press my lips together. 

“Drop the act.” He said, and it was the first time he sounded tired. “You never wanted to be their equal. You didn’t take all those beatings for them to tolerate you but because you wanted to prove you were better. That you could suffer more than them. Get back up faster than them.”

I stared at him impassively. 

“I didn’t keep you alive because I pitied you.” He went on. “In fact, it would’ve taken a lot off my shoulders if I just left your fate to the government.” 

“Then why didn’t you?” 

“Because you are full of hatred.” He replied bluntly. “The kind that can fuel obsession.” 

I blinked once, hoping he wouldn’t catch my flashing eyes in the window’s reflection. “Even as I hold this red armband, they stare at me with contempt. ” 

“Hatred born of fear and ignorance can never be compared to yours, Yeager. While they want to feel safe, you want to win.”

“And what’s so wrong with that? ” I paused. “I’m not a monster, Commander.” 

“You are.” He said without hesitation. “But a monster is exactly what we need to defeat devils.” 

What could I say, really? There was no room for denial in the face of someone who had watched me bleed and get back up more times than I could count. It wasn’t surprising that they chose me. The children who were saluting the crowd still had room for guilt and when they hesitate, they will trust me to finish the job.

I stepped toward the threshold, and he stopped me. “Your anger is misplaced.” 

I didn’t turn around. 

“The people who hurt you didn’t start this war. They inherited it just like you inherited your father’s sins. So if you want to know who made you this way, look to the ones who brought you and your brother into this world with promises of salvation. The ones who raised you on the lie that the past could be restored and that the cursed empire of Eldia was worth dying for.”

My hand lingered on the doorframe, thumb twitching against the grain of the wood.

 I’d learned early on that fury is most effective when quiet. So I turned slightly, lips curled in something that looked like a smile. “Thank you for everything, Commander.”

It wasn’t uncommon to see the Liberio port throbbing with life. But today was something else. I sat on my usual bench, legs crossed, waiting for the boat to honk our signal to depart. Soldiers mingled with civilians, but their conversations were partially drowned by the rumbling of the nearby fountain. The clanking of supplies being loaded onto ships surely didn’t help my focus as I scribbled something down. 

Just across the dock, the scene played out. Annie stood stiff and the man in front of her crumbled into something softer. His arms wrapped around her and I committed the scene to memory as he leaned in to tell her something. And even though the idiots that surrounded me squashed down every chance I had to hear what it was, based on the softening of her face, it was most definitely a promise. 

A few feet away, Reiner stood aloof, his gaze distant and troubled. Approaching cautiously, I tried to break his reverie, "Hey, you okay?" 

His body tensed. Following his line of sight, I caught a glimpse of a figure hastening away and I immediately associated the face with the name Reiner mentioned so often: His father. Scrunching up my nose, I blocked his line of sight and placed a hand on his shoulder. Somehow, it lured his attention. “It’s okay. You’ll become more honorable than he ever was.” I reassured in a soft voice. 

“Will he love me if we succeed?” He asked in a sad voice and I’d prefer to go mute than to shatter his hopes.

Thankfully, my response was cut short by a loud commotion in the crowd as Reiner’s cousin was making her way through the crowd with an unapologetic vigor. A small blond boy followed in tow. I knew who he was because every time they were together, the dynamic consisted of Gabi flaunting her achievements aloud and him apologizing for her lack of spatial awareness. 

"I did it, Reiner, I did it!" Gabi’s voice, breathless with excitement, cut through the noise as she threw her arms around Reiner. "I made it through! They've selected me for the first phase of training." Her words spilled out in a torrent, barely pausing for breath. "I ran faster than any of them, shot better than them... Oh, and Falco got in too!"

Her admiration for Reiner was unmistakable, her eyes shining with adoration as she awaited his response. Before he could react, her attention shifted to me, a mischievous smirk playing on her lips as she approached.

"Shit," I muttered under my breath, dreading the impending interaction.

"Promise me you'll protect Reiner," Gabi demanded, hands on her hips.

“Protecting him is practically my job description, Gabi.” 

"Make sure you're safe too. I heard terrible things about these devils," she added, her fists clenched.

"Oh? What things?" I inquired, though I wasn’t focused on the conversation. My eyes were glued to the boat that was our way-in ticket and I wasn't exactly interested in spending what could be my last moments in Marley conversing with a five-year-old. 

Gabi glanced around nervously before leaning in, her voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. "They're horrible... These Eldians, they're monsters. I heard they have horns they can stab you with. And they dance around campfires naked, singing in ancient Eldian to summon their Titan ancestors."

I struggled to keep a straight face. “Gabi, for your own good, don’t write those things during the upcoming examination.” 

"But it's true! Zeke told me!"

"Well, now that makes sense." I laughed. The conversation took an unexpected turn when Zeke himself appeared. 

His timing was impeccable. I refused to leave without saying goodbye. How long would this mission take? A month? A year? Longer? The unnerving possibility of not even coming back flickered through my mind. 

"Hey Gabi," Zeke said, eager to redirect her boundless energy. "Why don't you go tell Udo and Zofia about what we discussed? Might help you all out during examinations."

With a cheerful twirl, Gabi skipped off, leaving me to deal with my brother. I shook my head disapprovingly. "You won't find it funny when she runs her mouth to Magath."

 "She already has. I had to sneak out when he called for me.” He shrugged. “Unfortunately for him, I had to come and see you."

I couldn't help the sheepish smile that formed on my lips. "Well, would you look at that?" I poked his arm slightly, "Is that you worrying for me?" 

“Did he talk to you?”

I blinked at the sudden question. Usually, Zeke would have taken the bait for banter. Understandably enough, we were out of time.

“Yeah, he did.” I bluntly replied without any interest in reminiscing about what could have possibly been the last conversation I ever had with Magath. Instead, my gaze was once agin drawn to the boat. Why was it so empty?

"I need to tell you something." Zeke suddenly blurted, and his tone didn't fail to catch me off-guard. 

"What are you—" I began, confusion etching my features but his grip dragging me slightly away from any nearby ears interrupted my train of thoughts.

"I wouldn't have proposed sending you out there if you weren't the only person I could trust," he explained, his voice low, his gaze flickering nervously around. "When you reach that island, your priority needs to be retrieving the Founder. It's essential."

I nodded at his unnecessary reminder. I already knew the stakes. "Am I missing something...? Magath already briefed me on how vital recovering that power is to save Marley--"

"Not Marley." He cuts in for the second time. "Us. Humanity."

At that, my face scrunched up in bewilderment.

"You'll need to stall. Whether you find the founder within a month or two doesn't matter. You need to stay missing long enough for them to decide to send me out there to scout for information on the mission. I'll come for you. And the founder." 

The more he spoke, the quieter his tone got, which confirmed my initial suspicions. His agenda was not in line with the military. And if his allegiance isn't with Marley or Eldia, it was hard to fathom what he could be possibly fighting for.

My gaze drifted downwards, hoping my voice was low enough for only his ears to hear.  "Zeke, this equals treason. If they find out-" 

“You’ll be far gone by then if it happens.” 

“It’s not me who I’m worried about, you idiot.” I hissed, lips trembling before I clenched them down into a flat line. 

His brows drew together and I scoffed. Of course, he was confused.  It a common trend I've noticed whenever I would spew out words like that. It was like, all of a sudden, he couldn’t remember how I had learned how to throw punches before I learned how to braid my own hair, just to keep the others at camp off him so that I wouldn’t have to ever relive the day I found him bleeding from both wrists on the bathroom floor. 

He never understood how much I needed him. “You’re all I have left.”

"You won’t lose me.” He brought a hand to caress my cheek and chuckled, “You're the only one who knows, anyways. Do you trust me?"

“Yes.” No. 

Had it been anyone else, I might have marched straight to Magath, letting every secret spill from my lips without hesitation. But the figure standing before me was unfortunately no stranger.  And the only thing that superseded my blind commitment to Marley, was my eternal loyalty to the boy who had stuck by me for so long. Trust was the only thing anchoring me to the plan he always refused to give me any information on.

"How long?" I croaked out, eyes darting around the vicinity.

"Years. At the minimum," he replied softly, and I could only hold my breath for a bit.

Just then, the vacant boat designed for me and the warriors honked three times and Bertholdt called out to say what I already gathered, "Isla, come on, we need to go!"

"You'll come back, right? You'll come and find me," I stammered urgently. I needed to be sure I’d see him again.

"I don't abandon my family." Zeke slightly tilted his head. And just then, his arms wrapped around me which caught me off guard. Though it only showed in my expression when I felt the subtle press of something sliding into my coat pocket. By the time I stepped back, his hands were already at his sides. I could make out the shape without even pulling out the item. 

Our father’s dagger.

“You forget that you’re also all I have left.” He said, voice quieter now. “If it comes down to it, use it.” 

My hand tightened around the strap of my bag. "I’ll see you later."

"See you later."

I didn’t wait for him to say anything else. I had to force my feet to turn because if I didn’t, I could’ve never left. Within minutes, I was clutching onto the boat railings, gazing into the horizon as Marleyan citizens cheered and waved at our departure. For once, the praise failed to elicit any emotional response. 

My gaze swept over the deck. The warriors sat scattered on the floor, bags tucked under their arms, filled with just enough rations to last the journey.  I looked over the dock that was getting smaller and smaller, and my eyes locked on the line of armed militants standing perfectly still. 

Something was off about this entire mission. 

This wasn’t how Marley typically handled invasions. Whenever titan power was involved, the military normally flooded the battlefield and wiped out resistance with force and numbers. But now, they were sending us—a small group, a ghost ship, and absolutely no backup.

What is it, about Paradis, that scares the government so badly?

I tried not to think about all the stories, the warnings and the lessons I heard. It is rather easy to be scared of what you can’t see. Somehow, I wasn’t scared of them. I was only scared of what I might see in them. Perhaps I’ll get there and lock eyes with faces that don't look all that different from ours. People who might talk the way we do and live the way we do. 

I shook my head, and gripped the railing hard enough to whiten my knuckles. I couldn’t endure any more of this pessimism.

This mission didn’t come without its benefits. I’d rather face them than live one more day with the thought that I might be like them. Some devils who poisoned my bloodline. The ones who made me wear their shame on my face, in the way every single Marleyan spat my name like it was filth. 

Maybe I fed on the gasoline they spat, letting it soak into every fiber of my being until a fire was birthed. One that threatened to consume everything that stood in its way. 

I do pray that these devils are as vile as people say they are and that they will show no mercy.

Because I won’t.