Chapter Text
Haley
Joe has always been an on-off presence in Haley’s life, more on than off since moving to California. She knows that he wasn’t around the first couple of years of her life, but she doesn’t really remember much of those years, and he wasn’t there all the time either in Texas, so it feels as if he was there and she just doesn’t remember it.
After the thing with Joe’s company and her dad, and that Ryan guy that she’s not supposed to know about, he starts to come around more often. He comes home when Mom is away to hang out with Dad, usually just to talk with him, but he always makes some time for her and Joanie, sneaking them some candy that they are definitely not allowed to have before dinner but eat anyway. While her parents are divorcing, Joe spends a lot of time with them two, babysitting them while their parents are with the lawyers and taking them out whenever they argue (which is quite often).
Haley loves it. Joe is fun, he takes them for milkshakes and pretends to be outraged when they dip fries in the drink, even if he does it himself after some fake disgust. He plays with them, like the first day they met, more than willing to drop to his knees and roll around on the grass with them (something not many adults do) and building pillow fortresses and lying on the floor, only his head and shoulders actually inside the blankets, while he reads them stories. He helps them with homework, walking them through the parts they're stuck in in a way that allows them to reach the answer themselves and never getting angry no matter how many times he has to explain the same thing. He teaches Haley to swim because he’s so tall that no part of the swimming pool covers him higher than his stomach, and he teaches Joanie how to swing the bat that one summer she gets obsessed with softball.
And he listens. He always listens to them, no matter how busy he is or how small and silly their problems are. He listens when their parents don't. He keeps their secrets, even when they are things he should tell their parents about. He knows things about them that no one else does, sometimes not even themselves. He helps them out of problems and encourages them to come clean with their parents when they mess up, more than once standing by them and defending them even if it means he will get some mean comment about how he’s not a parent and his opinion doesn’t matter (Haley swallows her reply that he acts more than a parent than Mom and Dad do, Joanie doesn’t have her restrain and in the fall out Mom bans Joe from the house for a month despite him not doing anything wrong).
Joe is different from everyone she knows in a way that Haley can't define but that feels very familiar.
Mom hates him. Like actually, truly, deeply hates him. She only tolerates him because he’s Dad’s friend, and sometimes not even that. Mom’s dislike for Joe has always been pretty clear but after he gets sick and spends a week in the hospital about a year after her and Dad divorce, she goes all out. She calls Dad irresponsible and Joe dangerous, saying that if Dad allows Joe around her and Joanie she will sue for full custody. It takes a lot of convincing, pleading, and Bos’ and Dianne’s intervention to calm her down. Haley doesn’t understand why Mom is so against Joe, why she gets so on edge and demands he stays away from them whenever he’s even slightly sick.
Which is often.
Joe gets sick a lot.
More than anyone Haley knows.
Dad’s always worried when it happens, and when it gets bad enough to go to hospital or that he needs bed rest, Joe looks defeated. Joanie asks once if Joe is sick like Dad is, if he’s going to die. Mom tenses and changes the subject without answering, so she asks Dad, who seems sad and explains that Joe is sick in a different way and he may explain it himself when they're older but that they shouldn’t ask him about it. They don’t, even when they are older and think they will understand. For some reason, Joe’s mysterious illness feels more heavy and tragic than Dad’s, even Bos seems concerned about it, so they don’t dare to ask again. And he always makes up for the time that he’s sick and away, taking them places or playing with them until it’s late enough that Dad yells at the three of them to go to sleep, saying that Joe is as much of a child as they are.
When Joanie gets old enough, she starts to talk about boys with Joe. Haley is not really interested, she thinks boys are gross, and though everyone tells her she’ll change her mind when she’s older she doesn’t think she will. Joe is the only one who doesn’t say stuff like that. He doesn’t say anything at all, just nods seriously at her evaluation of boys as if he agrees, which he does because he’s a man and men don’t think other men are pretty, even if he nods just as seriously when he discusses boys with Joanie. When he finds her crying because every girl in her year but Haley thinks David Peterson from her class is cute and she thinks something is wrong with her, instead of telling her to ignore them like her Dad does, or telling her that it’s a matter of time like Mom does, he just tells her that it’s okay. He says that she doesn’t need to find boys cute and insists that there is nothing wrong with her if she never does. Instead, he agrees with her that the girl from across the street is much prettier than David, using the same tone he uses when he agrees with Joanie that their neighbor’s son is handsome.
Haley is still too young to notice the weird looks other adults give him when they overheard those conversations, or to understand why exactly those conversations about boys and girls feel different with Joe than with her parents. She’s too young to realize Joe is as genuine when he discusses girls with her as he is when he discusses boys with Joanie. She doesn’t think it’s weird how easily Joe can talk to both of them about those things while other people get all awkward about it. It’s just who he is, always taking them seriously and giving them his full attention, regardless of how silly the topic is or what he truly thinks about it.
Haley is also too young to realize that the way Joe refers to his girlfriends is strange, never actually calling them “girlfriends” but always referring to them as partners. And unlike other people, he doesn’t normally talk about his dates, no matter how much they pester him about it, especially once they get older and Joanie starts getting interested in boys and dating. But when he does talk about them his wording is strange, avoiding pronouns and instead using their name or just “my partner”. Haley actually doesn’t notice until Joanie (who’s been studying the Japanese lessons Cameron sends and uses every opportunity to bring them up) makes a joke about how that’s how Japanese works, avoiding pronouns in favor of titles. They laugh, joke a bit more about it, and move on, forgetting the topic all together. Neither of them give it any more thoughts and all the adults about them do a conscious effort to not bring it up again.
They never meet any of Joe’s partners, not even Sam, who he dates for nearly a year and a half.
Years go by and Joe becomes a regular occurrence in their life. Even when Cameron comes back from Japan and she and Joe start dating again he still makes time for her and Joanie (as much as she complains that she’s too old for it, Haley knows her sister secretly loves their time with Joe).
Haley has always felt a special connection to Joe, a connection that has only strengthened since they started working on Comet, so she doesn’t even think about it when she takes him to the dinner where Vanessa works. She notices the way he looks at her, all soft and with something she can’t quite name, but she thinks he’s just excited about the videos he’s making. When she realizes that what she feels about Vanessa is more than just friendship, she also realizes that Joe knows. That look she didn’t understand was Joe coming to the realization she has just arrived, and Haley knows somehow that he was waiting for her to notice.
Fuck.
Joe knows she likes Vanessa.
Deep down Haley knows Joe is okay with it. He didn’t look disgusted or upset, if anything he seemed amused. But girls are not supposed to like girls, and everyone has always told her that she will eventually find a boy she likes, so the bigger part of her is screaming that Joe will be disappointed. Luckily for her, she doesn’t have much time to overthink things because after a couple weeks of gentle prodding is Joe himself the one to bring up the topic and take her out of her misery. He doesn’t bother with dropping hints this time, obviously having noticed how expertly Haley has been dodging all the “she seems cool” comments he’s been making in an attempt to get her to talk. He just plainly asks whether she’s planning to ask Vanessa out, the very pointed look discouraging her from feigning ignorance.
She’s scared to say it out loud. Because if she does, then it becomes real. And she is terrified of disappointing Joe, of losing him. But he’s looking at her with such tenderness, with so much love, and she’s been so worried and stressed, that she’s confessing before she can even think about it. Joe listens, like he always does, like he has always done. He listens without interrupting, and when Haley is done pouring all her secrets and fears, the first thing he does is hug her.
“It’s okay, Haley. Everything is okay.”
She can’t stop the sob that escapes her chest. Nor can she stop the ones that follow. Joe just holds her closer.
“Shh. I’m here. It’s okay. There is nothing wrong with you. It’s perfectly natural. You’re okay. I still love you, this is not a reason to stop loving you. You are okay.”
They stay like that for a long while. Haley crying into Joe’s arms while he whispers soft reassurances. Telling her over and over again that he loves her and that there is nothing wrong with her. He says it so much and with such conviction that by the time Haley tears stop, she actually believes it.
They don’t talk about it after that, but Joe keeps talking to her about girls, much like they did before her confession, and he’s so natural about it, like nothing has changed, that Haley feels lighter knowing that at least one person accepts this side of her. Her relief, however, is short lived because just a few weeks later she realizes her Dad knows as well. She feels betrayed, of all the times Joe needed to keep a secret this is the most important one and he didn’t. It makes Haley angry enough to confront him.
“You told my Dad.”
Joe seems confused for a second but doesn’t take long for him to catch on what she’s talking about. While he confesses to having talked with her father about her and having dropped hints (“because he needed to get his head out of his ass”, Joe’s words but she kind of agrees), he denies telling him about her and Vanessa. Haley is hesitant, but the hurt and fear in Joe’s face is strange and sincere enough to make her believe him. Why would he be hurt and afraid about outing her is beyond Haley, because it kind of makes sense that he would tell Dad something like this, even if Joe has never told their secrets before. Once her anger dies, fear comes back with a vengeance. Joe knowing was bad enough but her father? Joe tries to reassure her, like he did the first time, but Haley can’t calm down. After all, he is talking about someone else, how can he know what her father thinks about gays? Nevertheless, Joe is relentless.
"Your father doesn't care that you are gay. He loves you and nothing will change that. Not that being gay is a reason for anything to change, but he truly doesn't care"
"You don't know that. You can't know that."
Haley is starting to become hysterical, so Joe decides to make a confession of his own.
"But I do know, because he's never cared about my boyfriends."
That cuts the brewing panic attack on the spot. Haley just stares at him, surprised into silence for a moment.
"You are gay?"
"Not exactly, but I've dated men."
“What do you mean not exactly?”
“What I mean is that I like men and women. I’ve dated women, and I’ve dated men. Your father has even met some of them. Remember Sam? He was a man, your father knew and still invited him along for the 4th of July weekend we went camping. So when I say that he doesn’t care about you being gay, I know what I’m talking about.”
For some reason, despite providing a perfect answer as to why Joe was so quick to figure out that Haley is gay and why he was so okay with it, this discovery feels so impossible that her brain can’t quite process it. He doesn’t say anything else, just letting her work things out on her own like when he was helping her with her math homework. Slowly, she starts putting the pieces together, Joe’s genuineness when talking about boys with Joanie, how he’s always been different from everyone else, his insistence to refer to the people he dates as “partners”. Unfortunately, her puzzle reminds her of her Mom’s reaction to Joe.
“My Mom won’t be okay with it.”
“What makes you think that? Of course she will, she loves you.”
“But she’s not okay with you liking men. She freaked out when she found out. Because that’s what happened, right? She found out you like men. She called you dangerous.”
Joe looks so impossibly sad that for a second Haley is sure he will confess to his own parents not accepting him or something like that. The truth is almost worse.
“She didn’t freak out because I like men. At least not directly. She freaked out about something that may happen among men that date men.”
Haley can tell that Joe doesn’t really want to say whatever he’s trying to say. He wants her to put the pieces together so it can remain unspoken. Much like when she first found out she’s gay. If you don’t say it out loud, it doesn’t need to be real. The overwhelming sense of dread building up in her is both providing the answer and preventing her from reaching it. Because this confession is too terrible to be true.
“I have HIV, Haley. That’s why I get sick so often and why your Mom freaked out. It has nothing to do with being gay. She won’t care that you are gay.”
Haley doesn’t know what to say. There is really nothing she can say. So she launches again to hug Joe because she is scared for an entirely different reason and because both of them need this confort now. She holds tight, as if she can keep him healthy as long as she doesn’t let go.
“Look at the bright side, compared to how both your parents found out I like men, they would be very relieved of how they find out about you. It cannot be worse.”
“I know about Mom, but how did Dad find out about you?”
“He barged into my apartment without barely knocking while I had a guy over. Nothing intimate was happening but there were definitely very little clothes involved at the time. I thought he was going to die from the embarrassment right in my living room! He learned his lesson, though.”
Haley bursts out laughing without meaning to, and Joe joins her right away. It’s really ridiculous and probably it was mortifying for everyone involved, but if her Dad can be okay with Joe’s boyfriends after such a first encounter, he probably will be okay with her being gay. And when she thinks about it, her Mom has never actually made any negative comments about Joe’s partners. They spent the rest of the afternoon talking about being not straight. Joe tells Haley about all the times her Dad, and even her Mom, have been hilariously awkward about his sexuality and about all the times he’s dragged his Dad to gay bars, providing her with a lot of fuel for teasing. He tells her about the boyfriends he’s had, about Sam and Erik and Simon. He also tells her some of the darker parts of his life, about being sick, losing people, being attacked. He makes her promise that she will be careful and that she will always call him if something is wrong or if she feels bad or unsafe, if she needs to talk to someone who understands. She makes him promise that he will take her to one of those gays bars when she’s older.
Over the years they distance geographically but not emotionally. They talk, and write, and call constantly. Joe visits California every schoolbreak and they even manage to convince Mom to let Haley spend a month in New York with Joe for the summer vacation. About 6 months after leaving, Joe tells her about the man he’s started dating, an elementary school teacher he bumped into all the time while getting classroom supplies until he asked Joe out for coffee. It’s very low-key, nothing like the high end life everyone would expect from him, but Haley can tell by the smile on his voice that he’s happier than he’s been in a long while. He brings him over when he comes to San Francisco for Christmas and the casual way everyone reacts to him and his boyfriend is the ultimate confirmation she needs that no one would make a problem out of her being gay. Haley tells Joe about how her Mom finds out about her (“kind of like you and Dad, but all the clothes were still on!”) and he laughs so hard he drops the phone, leaving Mark to chat with her until Joe can breathe again.
He’s the first person she introduces to her girlfriend and he asks her to be one of his groom's people at his wedding. His children refer to her as a cousin and he and Mark give her and her partner advice when they start considering adoption.
Being gay is still scary sometimes, but with Joe around is much easier.