Chapter Text
Late September 2022 - Early in the Season
Ted’s Third Year at AFC Richmond
It was just when Trent thought he’d finally left journalism behind him, that the perfect story fell into his lap. He would never publish it, of course. One of his biggest regrets was placing Ted’s private matters into the greedy hands of the public, and Colin’s story had the potential to do so much more damage.
Despite knowing all that, as he walked down the darkened street, he couldn’t stop his brain from sketching out the beginnings of a tell-all article: ‘Colin Hughes: Gay Premier League Footballer’. His steps slowed and he felt himself frowning, he shook his head. Thoughts like that were the reason he’d quit The Independent in the first place. It’d become far too easy to pick apart someone’s life and ruin it in a matter of sentences, and an article like that… even imagining the repercussions made him want to lose his supper.
Trent knew himself well enough to know that he couldn’t just ignore this, for a multitude of reasons. He was one of the few people out there who knew what it was like being gay in the professional football scene, even if he wasn’t quite as in the thick of it as Colin. He’d never forgive himself if he didn’t at least offer himself up as an ally in those spaces.
There was also the fact that he was just plain nosey; it was what had drawn him to journalism in the first place. Every part of him wanted to sink his teeth into the story, to figure out Colin’s place in the world (and what a lonely one it must be).
It also couldn’t be ignored that Colin had been snogging a man not fifty yards from his entire team, coaching staff, and a retired journalist who had a history of exposing people’s private business. Trent needed to let him know that he had to cut that the fuck out if he wanted any chance of staying in the closet, which he had little to no doubt Colin did.
He wondered if anyone else knew. On the team, the most likely candidate was Isaac, but based on how he’d heard the boys talking in the dressing room, Trent highly doubted it. Isaac seemed like a better friend than that. He didn't seem like the kind of person who would continue to say the things he did, despite knowing how they affected his closest friend.
He wondered if Colin’s family knew. Trent had a complicated relationship with his own family, but Colin spoke fondly about his family regularly enough that they probably either didn’t know or knew and were accepting of it.
There was a chance Colin was bisexual, but if that were the case Trent would’ve expected him to just stick with women, it would be easier and so much safer. No matter the specifics, being a gay professional athlete was the shittiest of all shitty situations. The only options were to deny your sexuality, which Trent knew all too well was not a sustainable solution, hide it, or be out, risking your life and career in the process.
Early October 2022 - Early in the Season
Ted’s Third Year at AFC Richmond
A few weeks after accidentally stumbling upon the story that was any sports journalist’s wet dream, Trent finally had to give in to the inevitable conclusion that Colin Hughes was incredibly and incurably thick. All the Richmond players were. It wasn't to say they weren’t also incredibly smart, which they were as well. The two weren’t mutually exclusive amongst this lot, a fact that was more frustrating than anything, especially when one was attempting to subtly send a message to one of the players.
Since Trent had stumbled upon Colin’s secret, he’d made several changes at work. Starting small, he brought in some little subtle indicators of his sexuality, the kind that only those in the queer community tended to be able to spot: a pen with a muted rainbow colour palette, a sticker with simple black text on a white background proudly proclaiming ‘Safe Space’, and queer novels of all genres with ambiguous titles scattered across his desk, the kinds one would only know the contents of, had they actually read any of them.
He wasn’t overly shocked when his first attempts proved fruitless, but it was a good start. Colin had been entrenched in football dressing room culture since before hitting puberty, so it was no surprise that he had a weaker gaydar than most.
From there, Trent had upped the ante with a brightly rainbow-coloured mug and a few similarly coloured beaded bracelets. He had to be careful to remember that he was also a gay man surrounded by footballers, and even if his level of risk was lower, it was nowhere near nonexistent. He might not be in the closet, but he certainly hadn't been advertising anything up until now for a reason.
Both of the new additions to his workspace could be easily explained away by the mere existence of his daughter. It may make him look gay, but what father wouldn’t accept a snoopy mug and handmade bracelets from his daughter who was ‘going through a rainbow phase’? It wouldn’t even entirely be a lie, both things were from his daughter, and her rainbow phase was currently in full swing—and yes, maybe the rainbow phase had been triggered by her personal experiences with queer people in her family, but that was just semantics.
When his second attempt at drawing Colin’s attention fell just as flat as the first, Trent decided it was time to crank it up a notch. He needed something big, something obvious, something very, very, very gay.
That was a bit of an exaggeration, but it certainly felt very monumental to be placing a small rainbow flag in his pencil holder at his place of work. AFC Richmond was unlike any other team in the EFL, but it was still a part of the EFL.
He nervously waited for someone to notice or comment on the sudden addition to his desk. He waited… and waited… and… alright, it was frankly getting ridiculous.
The only acknowledgement he got was an approving(?) grunt from Roy, a downright concerningly wide smile from Beard, and Ted making a face that made him appear to be on the verge of happy tears (different from his sad tears face, which looked like he’d seen someone kick a newborn).
The only bright spot in the sea of ignorant footballers and strangely responding coaches was the small addition of a pink, purple, and blue mug to Ted’s desk. At least he got to smile in amusement as Ted also had to experience the discomfort of Roy’s concerningly ambiguous grunt and Beard’s unsettling glee.
Ted later admitted to Trent over a pint, that he’d been openly bisexual since college—tending to take the same approach as Trent, not hiding but also not advertising—and Beard had only ever known him when he was already out and actively dating both men and women, which only made Beard’s glee all the more strange and disconcerting.
Mid-October 2022 - Early in the Season
Ted’s Third Year at AFC Richmond
When enough time had passed that it seemed Colin would never pick up on the clues Trent was laying out for him, he finally concluded he'd have to go about confronting the young man himself, rather than waiting for Colin to come to him. Since he wasn’t in any rush, he decided to wait until a good moment presented itself, and Colin sneaking out to a bar called ‘Prik’ in the middle of Amsterdam was the exact sort of opportunity he'd been waiting for.
He approached Colin with a certain degree of caution—he fully snuck up on him—right as the bartender was in the middle of telling him to stick around for something called ‘Thunderdong’, so Trent said the only reasonable thing that popped into his head at that moment, “Sounds fun, I’m in.”
He immediately regretted his choice of words but was quickly distracted when Colin turned to face him, a wide-eyed and utterly panicked look on his face. “Trent! Hey. Uh…” Colin turned back to the bar and knocked over several things in his panic. “Can I get a drink for my work acquaintance, please?” Trent could see his eyes boring into the bartender’s, begging him to pick up on the very unsubtle SOS signals he was sending.
He tried to interject, but Colin was still talking, now throwing on a vaguely confused tone, still clearly undercut with stress. “Sorry, did you say, ‘Thunderdong’?”
“Mhm-hmm.” The bartender nodded, glaring at Trent; the customer service equivalent of a glare, anyway.
Colin pushed away from the bar. “Ah. Oh, I think I’m in the wrong place. My mistake. Cheers.” He smiled and tapped Trent on the arm in a friendly manner as he all but ran out of the bar.
The bartender plastered on a tense smile and looked at Trent. “Happens all the time.”
Not having a moment to spare to convince the man he wasn’t a homophobe, Trent simply sighed and muttered, “Yeah.”
He followed Colin’s retreating figure out of the bar, calling after him, “Colin!”
Colin was gradually picking up speed, and Trent found himself jogging lightly to keep up.
Colin glanced back and yelled, “Hey. Good to see you, Trent. Whoa, whoa.” He stumbled out of the way of a passing bike.
“Colin.” This time, at the call of his name, Colin froze and looked back. Trent spoke slowly, approaching him the way he would a startled deer. “I already knew.”
Colin looked petrified.
“I’ve known for months.” It wasn't entirely true, but the few weeks he'd known had definitely felt like months, with how they dragged on due to all the anxiety the whole situation had been causing him. He continued, still carefully keeping his voice soft, “I haven’t said anything to anyone... I must have a good reason for that, mustn't I?”
Finally, the realization dawned on Colin’s face. His whole body sagged and he sighed out, “Right.”
“We should probably talk… elsewhere.” He glanced around the bustling streets.
“Yeah… Right. Yeah.” Colin nodded but made no move to go anywhere.
Trent quickly racked his brains for where they should go, coming up blank. “I- Uh, I interrupted your beer earlier. Shall I grab us some to go?”
Colin nodded, almost frantically, probably just grateful to get a minute to himself to gather his thoughts. There was a chance he’d run off, and Trent wouldn’t blame him for choosing to do so, but there was a far greater chance he’d stay, even if only out of fear of the potential blackmail Trent now held over him.
He walked back inside and up to the bar, waving down the same bartender from earlier. “May I have a six-pack, please?”
The bartender silently glared at him and slowly grabbed the beer from under the counter, placing it down in front of Trent with far more force than necessary.
“Oh, for fuck’s sa-” He rolled his eyes and scoffed. “I’m gay!” He gestured at the entirety of himself. He wasn’t normally a fan of stereotypes, but it was incredibly amusing, if not a little bit satisfying, to watch as the man finally noticed his rainbow bracelets, Dolly Parton shirt, snakeskin shoes, and well-styled hair.
“Oh.” The man said, wincing. “Sorry, mate.”
Trent waved it off with a small amused smile. “Don’t worry. We have to look out for one another. You’re just doing your job.”
The man chuckled, before sobering and lowering his voice. “That kid? He’s okay?”
“Ah, yes...” Trent took a deep breath. “I believe so. He also missed several of the, er, signals, per se, that I was attempting to put out to see if he might approach me. I clarified some things,” he lifted the beers, “-and now we’re going to have a chat.”
“Good. He seemed nervous… and very closeted. I’m glad someone’s looking out for him.” He nodded at the beers. “On the house, love.”
“Oh, you don-”
“No. An apology for my rudeness, as well as, uh, ‘looking out for one another’.” He gave Trent a flirty wink.
He felt himself blushing slightly. “Well, it’s appreciated. Have a pleasant night.”
As he turned to leave, the man called out behind him, “Oh, I’m planning on it!”
Trent was still smiling as he stepped outside into the night holding the beer. The chilly air cooled his cheeks, dulling his slight blush. He had a brief moment of panic when he couldn’t immediately spot Colin, but his wandering eyes soon found the footballer lurking against a wall and taking visibly deep breaths with his eyes closed—to hazard a guess, probably fighting off a panic attack.
His guilt swelled, and he cleared his throat, causing Colin’s eyes to snap open and his entire body to jerk as he let out a startled, “Aghh!” After a beat, he relaxed slightly and muttered, “Sorry.”
“No, my apologies for startling you… But, uh, I've got the beer,” he said, holding it up.
“Uh,” Colin was fidgeting nervously, “Where should we, eh… go?”
Remembering a good quiet spot he'd passed earlier that day where they could talk in peace, he gestured for Colin to follow him. “I know a place.”
After they’d been walking in silence for a few minutes, Colin asked, “Where are we headed?”
Trent fiddled with his sleeves, wishing for his notebook so he had something to fidget with, but knowing bringing it out would probably only freak Colin out further, and he was already wound incredibly tight, despite knowing—well, being told, at least—that Trent wasn’t going to say anything. “I’m not sure exactly. It’s just a spot I remember seeing earlier that seemed quiet. It’s by several monuments that I assume are generally more attractive to the general public during the day.”
Colin nodded, and they continued walking in silence until they reached their destination. Trent took a seat instantly, trying to appear as casual and comfortable as he could to hopefully help ease Colin into calming down a bit. The poor man was going to give himself a heart attack at the rate he was going.
Colin slowly lowered himself down next to Trent, who silently cracked open two beers, handing one over.
After a few minutes of awkward silence had passed, Trent decided to just start talking. His voice was quiet as he said, “I realized I was gay when I was 44 years old, thirteen years into marriage with a woman.”
Colin stiffened but said nothing.
“Kat, or Katherine is her full name. We knew each other, quite literally, our entire lives… Our mothers met in a birthing class. We were inseparable; best friends our entire childhoods, and everyone expected us to grow up and get married… So we did.”
He took a sip of beer before continuing, “We got together at 23 and married at 31. We didn’t have sex until marriage, mostly because we both grew up extremely religious. In hindsight, it was always a little too easy to wait. I don’t think our families actually believed we stuck with it, but we did.”
“Kat and I were great at some parts of marriage, perks of being lifelong friends, I suppose, but horrible at others. That’s probably why it took so long to realize… because we were never actually unhappy being together. We still, to this day, define our relationship as being platonic soulmates... and I truly do love her, probably more than I’ve ever loved anyone, just not...” he heaved in a deep breath, “-not in that way.”
“Because of how we were raised, we didn’t know what was considered normal. I was shocked the first time I learned just how often most people have sex with their partners. We probably only did it every other month or so, but it worked and was normal for us, so life continued on.”
“Daisy, my daughter, she was an accident. A happy accident… but still very unintended. About a month after her birth, Kat sat me down and said, ‘Trent… I know the timing is shit, but I just need to say it or I'm gonna burst. I’m a huge fucking lesbian, and I’m so sorry I didn’t figure it out until now.’”
Colin snorted in surprise. “Seriously?”
“Yes.” He nodded. “And then I just stared at her before eventually asking what I was supposed to do with that information.”
Colin finally cracked a small smile at that, seeming to finally be loosening up a bit. “Everyone talks about gay chicken, but I think you two just invented straight chicken. Really, boyo.”
“Yes. I’m fully aware of how ridiculous it all is in hindsight,” he admitted with a small chuckle.
“So, what did she say?” Colin looked calmer and was staring at him with wide curious eyes.
“Well, she announced that we would be getting a divorce, and I just nodded along as if we were discussing the weather. A few hours later, I had a sudden, ah, epiphany, over a cup of tea, so I barged in on her in the shower announcing that I was gay.”
Colin let out a chuckle at that, and Trent smiled. “Yes, not my finest moment.”
“So what happened then?”
He snorted lightly at the memory. “She said, ‘No, you’re not, Trent. You’re just freaking out about my lesbianism,’ then asked me to leave so she could finish her shower in peace.”
Colin’s laughter was even louder that time. “Holy shit! This is the best coming out story I’ve ever heard.”
Trent sighed. “She moved into the guest room, and we agreed to keep living together for Daisy’s sake. We still do to this day, although we did get a bigger house so we could have slightly more privacy after she remarried and we had the money… But back then, after some brief discussion, we agreed to continue our marriage and not tell our families. It didn't last very long though—it was too hard to keep it to ourselves—so we broke the news to them just a few weeks later. It was an incredibly hard secret to keep. It ate at both of us and made us miserable.”
A glance over at Colin showed the other man frowning at the ground. Trying to lighten the mood, he added, “And a month after that was when I slept with a man for the first time. I barged into the house the next morning announcing it like I’d just won the World Cup.” He looked up at the night sky, lost in the memories, and his voice softened, “And that was the second time I came out to her,” he said with a sigh, and Colin let out a small chuckle. “This time, however, she believed me. And now… we’re closer than ever.”
“And your daughter?”
“Yeah.” He nodded with a small smile. “She’s never been happier.” Colin reached over with his beer bottle, and Trent clinked his against it. He sucked in another sharp breath, growing more serious. “My point is, it was really difficult to hold on to that secret…” He looked over at Colin. “But I’m not a professional athlete.” Colin scoffed, as he asked, “How do you do it?”
“Well…” Colin breathed deeply, “...my whole life is… two lives really.” Trent nodded but said nothing. Colin’s gaze was distant as he said, “You got my work life. Like, no one at the club knows. I’d- I’d like to think they wouldn’t care, but… it’s just easier that way. Then you got my dating life. Some guys think it’s hot. Others say they don’t care, but eventually, they get tired and they move on. Then the club brought in Dr. Sharon… and she helped me realize that I have…” He gestured to his chest. “...an ache.”
Trent clicked his tongue and breathed deeply. He knew exactly the pain Colin was describing. It hit home in a way that verged on uncomfortable.
“An ache for both my lives… to be my only life.” Trent looked away as Colin continued, “I don’t want to be a spokesperson. I don’t want a bunch of apologies.” He let out a tired sigh. “All I want is for when we win a match, to be able to kiss my fella… the same way the guys get to kiss their girls.”
Both of them were sporting small bittersweet smiles at the thought. After a beat, Colin said, “And I know we can’t fix every ache inside of us… But I shouldn’t have to pretend it’s not there either.” Colin took a deep steadying breath, looking on the verge of tears. Tone changing to something lighter, he looked over at Trent. “How’d you know? About me?”
Respecting his desire to change the course of the conversation, Trent took a deep breath. “Well, I used my Holmesian powers of journalistic deduction.” Colin stared at him, clearly not getting the joke. Trent huffed out a small laugh. “Saw you kissing a guy outside Sam’s restaurant.”
“Ah.” A smile bloomed across his face, and he chuckled. “Yeah.”
In the distance, a bell tolled and he saw Colin look around for the source of the sound. Trent pointed behind them. “Those are the bells of the Westerkerk.”
“Oh.”
Trent saw Colin looking in the direction he’d indicated, so he continued explaining, “Anne Frank heard those same bells every night.” He looked behind them and moved his finger to point at a different spot. “She lived just there.”
“Oh, right-” Colin’s gaze shifted and his expression changed to one of confusion. “Right by this big pink triangle?”
Trent felt his eyebrows furrowing. “Think that came a bit later.”
“Oh, yeah.” Colin’s face cleared and he chuckled.
They sat in silence for a while until Trent suddenly remembered to say, “You probably should snog a man so close to your entire team in the future.”
“That’s what he said too,” Colin said wistfully, then paused. “Wait… didn’t you say you’ve known for months? Back at the bar?”
Trent let a little smile creep onto his face. “Semantics.”
Colin made an affronted noise.
“Sorry… I wanted… or, I didn’t want to worry you. I knew once I explained, it would be okay, but I assumed if you believed I’d kept it to myself for longer, it would be less…” he trailed off, searching for the right word.
“Terrifying?” Colin filled in.
Trent let out a small surprised laugh. “Well, yes… I suppose.”
Colin snorted. “Funny enough, that’s the only time I’ve ever taken a risk like that... Little less scary when it took my slacking off for us to be found out.” His face fell. “I was lucky it was only you who saw... I have to be more careful.” His laugh was bitter that time. “I actually thought I was being over-cautious before, but apparently that’s just how things are.”
“They shouldn’t have to be,” Trent replied.
“I’ll drink to that,” Colin muttered, holding up his beer in mock cheers before taking several large gulps. Trent drank in silent solidarity.
It was quiet for a while, then, out of the blue, Colin suddenly said, “My two lives… it's like… they're only getting further apart.”
“Hm?” He looked over at Colin.
“Michael.” Colin had a small, shy smile on his face. It was clear he didn't get to talk about this very often and was a little overwhelmed by the prospect. “My fella. The guy you saw me kissing outside Sam's. We've been together almost a year and a half now.”
“That's wonderful, Colin.” Trent smiled.
He looked off distantly and sighed, smile fading. “The thing is… It's just, we live together, and it's wonderful… It is. It really is.” He frowned deeply. “The problem is, I own two houses to manage it… A house and a flat, really. One’s for my work life, my football life, and the other for my personal life… I mean, how sad is that?” He swallowed hard and glanced at Trent before looking down at his feet. “It's like, every time I do something to make myself happier, my two lives get further apart and I have to lie even more to the people I care about.”
Once the silence had stretched out long enough he was sure Colin was done talking, Trent gently said, “I’m sorry, Colin.”
“Don’t be.” Colin let out a humourless laugh. “Nothing to be done. ‘S just how it is.”
The silence was longer than time, and Trent was again the one to break it by eventually saying, “Colin?”
“Hmm?”
“Do you think you’d ever be interested in doing an interview about… all this?” He waved a hand vaguely through the air.
As the look of pure terror unfolded across Colin’s face he quickly realized how his question had probably been misinterpreted. “Oh! No, no. I mean anonymously.”
“...What?”
“Well,” he took another swig of beer, “-you said you don’t want to be a spokesperson. I imagine by that you mean you don’t want the press and public hounding you, or players and fans yelling slurs on the pitch, or the neverending wave of rainbow capitalism?”
Colin nodded. “I mean, yeah. I’d love to be a role model for all the guys out there who don’t think they can play… especially at this level… but I don’t want that if it means I have to be ‘the gay footballer’. I just wanna be Colin Hughes, Richmond’s number twelve, y'know? But… the second I come out? That's over for me. Forever. Not to mention the danger that would come along with being out. And not just for me, for Michael, my family, even the team if they show too much support.”
“What if you can do all that, be that inspiration, just without the spotlight… or the danger.”
“I mean… it would be great.” Colin was looking at him, a curious glint in his eyes.
Trent excitedly continued, “Just think about it. I’m a highly respected, well-known sports journalist—or, I was up until very recently. But if I publish an anonymous interview with a closeted Premier League footballer, people are going to know it’s real. It wouldn’t be dismissed as some sort of attention grab or a tabloid piece.”
Colin was frowning. “It sounds amazing, honestly, but won’t people connect the dots? It wouldn't exactly be hard, right? You work at Richmond now, which narrows it down by, like, a lot, and I’d have to share some details. At the very least the people on the team would figure it out in a second.”
He shook his head, grinning widely, probably a little beyond buzzed at that point, not that he could bring himself to care, too caught up in his idea. “No, no, no. That’s where the good bit comes in. We twist the truth. We say I was travelling alone, not with the team, and as a gay man, I found myself in a gay bar in some foreign country, but I don't say which. While I was there, I spotted this mystery Premier League footballer, who, due to my many years as a sports journalist, I recognized. I approached said footballer and reassured him that I would not publish information concerning his sexuality, both due to my morals and ethics and also being a gay man myself who understands the risks. Then we talked about being gay in the sport, and he agreed to an anonymous interview. It’s perfect!”
Colin looked dazed. “That- That could actually work… couldn't it?”
“I wouldn’t put you at risk, Colin,” he grew more serious, “-especially not like this. I would only publish it if I was sure it couldn’t be traced back to you. And don't forget, I've been travelling by myself for months now, and it's not like I've been ignoring gay bars everywhere I go. No one who tries to trace it back to Amsterdam could be more than, like… 20%(?) sure; probably less. I take my journalistic integrity very seriously.”
“Could- Would I be able to read it before you publish it? If I wanted you to take something out, you would? Or not publish it at all?”
“Of course.” He nodded firmly.
Colin stared down at his hands as he fiddled with the beer bottle. “I’ve gotta think about this… definitely sober. Probably talk to Dr. Sharon and Michael too.” He let out a heavy sigh and looked up at the night sky for a few peaceful moments. Eventually, he turned his gaze on Trent and said, “It sounds great, honestly… but I’ve gotta be sure, yeah?”
Trent nodded. “Of course. Take all the time you need.”
The two of them finished their beers in silence, basking in the camaraderie and mourning the need for secrets.
The second the last drop was drained from his bottle, Trent turned to Colin, knowing he would probably regret his next words, but unable to bring himself to care. “So, I seem to have distracted from your plans for the night. Any interest in attending Thunderdong with me?”
Colin looked over at him, eyes lighting up with a childish kind of glee, and grinned widely.