Chapter Text
Eren’s stomach burned as he expelled what little he had in it. Throat burning, eyes watering as every bit of wine he’d downed came back up with a vengeance. Levi had said his job was done once he’d gotten a bucket for him to vomit into and sat comfortably at his sitting area watching Eren be miserable.
“This is your own fault, you know.” He sounded none too pleased. Eren took a deep gulping breath lifting his head from the bucket. He tried to think of something witty to say back but there was only one thing that came to mind.
“Fuck you.” He mumbled.
“You know you can’t handle wine.” Eren shrugged, head leaned on the side of the pale.
“Seemed like a good idea at the time.” He gagged, hovering back over the top of it for a moment before the sensation passed.
“You got what you deserved.” He took a sip of his tea, setting it back onto the end table with barely a sound. Eren groaned pathetically.
“You could have some sympathy for me, you know.” Eren rested his cheek against the bucket's wood rim and sniffed.
“Maybe if you earned it but you know, you don’t.” He was short and to the point, Eren could hear the agitation in his voice.
“You're angry.” He replied shortly. Levi stopped mid-sip and glared through dark lashes.
“Please explain to me Mr Kruger,” Levi started before taking in a deep breath.
‘ Oh fuck he’s pissed.’ He thought to himself.
“You barged into my room at half past one, piss drunk, spouting off about a supposed celebration. Go on a suicidal monologue about yourself, scare me half to death, force me to stay up till first light taking care of you before you finally pass out in my bed. Does that sound accurate?”
Eren was quiet a moment not really sure how to respond. “Well when you put it like that…”
“I’m not thrilled.” Levi crossed his leg over one knee then arms over his chest. “What the fuck happened last night?”
Feeling much better than he did before, well at least not nauseous anymore he stood and walked the bucket to the bathroom to put away for the maids. Out of sight out of mind he figured.
“I don’t know.” He closed the door shut.
“Obviously you do know or else it wouldn’t have happened.”
“I’m sorry I bothered you. I am,” he ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “I’ll go to Jean next time it’s not your job to take care of me–“
Levi quickly interrupted. “It’s not that I had to take care of you Eren. It’s the fact that you came in so drunk you could barely walk, one foot off the cliff, instead of just coming to talk to me. Or talk to Jean, or to Armin, or Mikasa, or hell even Hange. Any of us would have been fine to help. But no, you always do this. You get frustrated, or angry, or anxious and you drink yourself into oblivion and usually wind up somewhere you shouldn’t be. Usually a random field a mile away from camp–“
“That was one time–“
“I don’t care!” Levi's voice rose. Not enough to be considered a true yell or shout, no his voice rarely raised that high in a conversation. But just enough to show off the timber of his tone. It caught Eren’s attention easily. “Why won’t you let us help you? Why won’t you let me help you?”
He leaned his back against the stone wall next to the fireplace, across from Levi. He couldn’t look him in the eye as he studied the threads of the ornate rug laying across the sitting room floor. “I’m fine.” He said quietly.
“You're not.” Levi insisted.
“I am–“ he said a bit louder.
“You're not!” Levi's voice rose more.
“ I’m fine!” Eren finally shouted. Levi stared hard, glare never ceasing.
“Fine.” He stood and walked over to the tea table in the corner of his room. On the surface sat a vase of flowers and a bowl of fruit. He picked up a deep red apple and stomped over to Eren. “Eat it.”
Eren stared at him confused, looking between his creased eyes and the apple in his hand. “What?”
“Eat. The. Apple.” Levi took Eren’s hand and placed the fruit into his palm.
“What’s this supposed to prove?” He asked. Levi shrugged at his question.
“If you're fine then you should have no problem eating the apple. So go ahead, take a bite.” He nudged his hand. Eren stared at the fruit. It’s luscious red shined like it had been recently polished. Not a bruise or scratch could be seen on its peel.
“What the fuck do you want me to say? What do you suppose I do?” He set the apple on the coffee table and turned his back.
“Admit that you're ill!”
“Don’t say that. Don’t act like I’m some invalid who can’t function.” He spat. Levi grabbed his shoulder and rounded to Eren’s front.
“No one is saying your an invalid–“
“A madman then? A man who can’t outrun his own mind?” Levi shook his head furiously.
“I never said that either. I’m not against you Eren–“
“Then why can’t you just let things be?” He asked, voice trembling with the threat of angry tears pricking at his lower lashes
“Because that will solve nothing. You’ll keep spiraling downwards. Don’t ask me to watch that because I won’t.” Eren stared down at him and blinked hard.
“Are you only caring because I’m your King or because you're my lover?” Levi was taken aback by the question, giving his own blink.
“You think I care about your royal status? You think I care about some future you don’t even want? Do you truly think that I’m so shallow?” Eren could hear the hurt in his voice, even if he was trying to hide it. “Eren forget being my lover, your my friend. One of my closest friends. Of course I care about what’s happening with you.”
“How do I know you’re not seeing me differently because of all this?” Eren turned away again, taking a few steps from the shorter man. Levi walked after him with a heavy frown.
“What? What does that even mean?” He asked.
“How do I know this is what you want? How do I know you still want me just as you did before I was to be King?” He started to pace, walking in a wide oval, Levi standing in the middle just watching.
“What?” He asked.
“You didn’t sign up for this! You didn’t ask to deal with somebody like me. You did ask to babysit a grown man! All this time you spend all your energy making sure I’m stable when you shouldn’t be.” He finally stopped throwing a hand out. “I’m going to ruin you Levi.”
The dark haired man scoffed. “Now your just being dramatic–“
“You fell for Eren the mercenary. Not Eren the Prince. You didn’t ask to be roped into all of this. I’ve destroyed your life! Why aren’t you angry at me? Why don’t you hate me? Still, you hold me and take me to bed and speak kind words. I don’t understand how you can bear to be near me!” His breaths came in quick succession now, clutching at his chest as finally tears began to spill over.
Levi reached out to grab him but Eren flinched back from his hand. “Eren stop–“
“I can’t do this to you.” His voice cracked, his heart beat fast. “I won’t do this to you.”
“Eren you're exhausted, you're hungover, please just take a moment.” He tried to reach for his hand again but Eren snatched it away before he could geven an him.
“No!” He shouted, a sob bubbled from his throat as he turned and made his way towards the door.
“Eren, where are you going?” Levi, finally, shouted while chasing after him.
“If you won’t leave then I will. I can’t do this to you anymore.”
Levi was speechless, left staring in the middle of the room as Eren made it to the door.
“Wait!” He shouted. Eren stopped, hand on the knob. Turning his head just enough to see his profile. “Eren I don’t understand, what are you saying?”
Eren didn’t respond, just finished opening the door and slammed behind him.
“….” Levi looked bewildered. “What the fuck just happened?”
-
Eld had become accustomed to his tiny world. Three thick stone walls, one iron barred cell gate. No window, dark on the inside. The only bit of light that can be seen came from the sconces in the hall in between the lined cells. He got used to being cold all the time, got used to the mites that infested his hay bed, opting to just sleep on the ground. He even became accustomed to his new friend's constant jabbering.
He quickly found out how Marco had stayed sane all these years in captivity. The man talked, often. About anything and everything. Sometimes not even to Eld, just out in the open about whatever nonsense came to his mind. Sometimes it was stories of his past, other times it was an asinine invention that would solve a problem that wasn’t really a problem. It at least kept his attention and kept him from going insane himself.
“You should have seen her, she was the most lovely sight to be seen.” Marco spoke longingly from his cell. Eld thumped his head against the bars.
“Did you talk to her?” He asked.
“God no I was thirteen, I wouldn’t have even known what to say if I had.” He could hear the smirk Marco wore and Eld let on his own smile. “What about you friend, any beautiful maidens awaiting your return?”
“A dozen and one my friend, but not the one I want.” A small sigh escaped his lips as he looked down to his bruised hands.
“Oh do tell.”
“No, no, it’ll bore you honestly.” Eld waved him off.
“Mister Jinn, I haven’t seen or heard a woman in three years. I promise you my interest is piqued.” He let out a deep laugh as he readjusted to lean on one hip.
“She’s brilliant, truly. A mind so broad I’m sure there’s no end to it. She has a sense of humor I’ve never seen in a woman before.” He looked up to the ceiling fondly.
“What’s she look like?” Marco asked.
“She’s tall, dark eyes, auburn hair. It’s funny she’s actually missing an eye but wears regular glasses anyways. But you should see her when she talks.” He let out a sigh. “Her eyes just light up, almost like a child. And her laugh,” he sagged to the side. “Beautiful.”
“Sounds like love.” Marco chuckled.
“Perhaps, but nothing will ever happen. She’s not interested in things like that.” He sat back up straight.
“Oh? Things like what?” Marco asked.
“Love, marriage, children. She doesn’t want any of it.” His smile turned bitter as a sense of longing flowed through him.
“Have you talked to her about it?”
“Yes, before we left. I asked her to be mine. She said no, said that I should move on to someone who deserved me.” He clapped a hand on both knees, brightening his voice. “Ah, to feel the sting of love is to truly live.”
The dungeon door rattled with the sound of a heavy lock being undone. It groaned loud and metallic from the old rusted bolts bending under the weight of the thick wood. Eld scrambled to his feet, walking backwards until his back hit into the wall. He crouched low, hearing the heavy boot steps walk down the hall.
His heart beat with every step. Marco was eerily quiet, not a sound could be heard from his neighboring cellmate.
Finally three shadowy figures stood in front of his door.
“Him.” A deep voice bounced off the walls. Eld pushed himself as hard against the wall as possible as one of the figures unlocked the cell door and pushed it open.
“Touch me and you die!” He shouted as two men entered. One grabbed at his bicep and Eld threw his arm away from their grasp. The other grabbed him by the back of his neck. He lurched forward trying to dive away from them as one of the guards grabbed him by his hair, forcing his face into the dirty ground. A feral shout tore through him as a knee dug in the square of his back. Feeling his arms be twisted behind his back, shackles locking on his wrists.
“Bring him here.” The third man, still in the hallway, ordered. The guards drug him to his feet. He dug his heels into the ground, cursing, bending, twisting, anything he could do to hinder them.
“Let me go your bastards, I’ll have your heads!” He shouted. The guards held no reaction, just gave him one final push out the cell doors onto his knees in front of the third mysterious man.
He was older, middle aged most likely, shrouded in a dark cloak. Hair dark, short and neatly combed. His eyes were like midnight, sunken in and tired. His face was long, body thin and shoulders narrow. He showed no signs of emotion. No empathy, no sympathy, no cruelty. Just blank as though he were staring at the most uninteresting thing ever.
When Eld was slammed onto his knees one of the guards pulled him again by the hair, craning his neck up to meet eyes with the man.
“State your name, boy.” He sounded bored. Eld smiled before spitting up at him, saliva catching on his cheek. The man barely flinched, just brought a hand up to wipe the spit away before lifting a hand to one of the guards. The guard reared a fist back, striking Eld across the cheek so hard he felt his brain rattle in his skull. He gasped out in pain, and a bit of shock at the sound of the crack he heard. Most likely his cheekbone.
“State your name.” He repeated again. Somehow Eld managed another smile before speaking, muffled by a swollen cheek.
“Zeke…Jaeger…” This time a foot landed deep in his gut, knocking him onto his side. One of the guard dragged him up by the collar as he gagged and wheezed for air.
“State,” he leaned down, grabbing Eld from the fringe of his bangs. “Your. Name.”
Eld gasped for breath, his empty stomach ached horrible and his head throbbed.
“Eld…Jinn…” he breathed out.
“Good, bring him.”
Eld, with no energy, still tried to fight the best he could. The guards were not gentle as they dragged out the dungeon and down a long, lowly lit hall.
“Where are you taking me?” He shouted. None of them answered. Just continued on down a set of stairs into a new hallway. The walls all looked the same, the floors were dented and cracked. His shoulders were beginning to ache from their rough treatment. But thankfully it didn’t take long to get where they were going.
Finally they stopped in front of a door very similar to the one that left the dungeon. The mysterious third man took out a heavy ring of keys, picking through them until he decided on a thick brass key.
Pushing Eld through the door, he saw nothing but a chair with various belts around it.
His eyes widened, his heart quickened. With a sudden burst of energy he threw himself back, trying to break their grip. The guards were surprised as their hold on Eld broke and he fell shoulder first into the ground. Without any hesitation he made it to his feet and tried to run.
The guard closest to him, whipped out a sword and fitfully slashed out catching Eld at the ankle. He felt something snap under his skin as his leg gave out. His arms still shackled behind his back as he fell onto the ground chin first, his teeth clacking together so hard he feared he may have broken them.
The guards helped each other up and were in no hurry to catch the awkwardly inch crawling prisoner. If Eld was anything it was persistent.
“Quick fucking around and strap him in.” The older man snapped at the guards. They nodded and picked Eld up by his shoulder and began dragging him again.
With his ankle in the condition it was, he struggled to stay in step with them, but struggled even worse to fight their grip.
With little care they slammed him into the chair. One leaned a knee in his groin, another held him with his throat in the crook of their elbow. He thrusted and thrashed around trying to make it as difficult as he could for them. At one point he even managed to break his arm free of one of their grips and elbowed into something he hoped was a nose as hard as he could. The guard he hit threw himself back holding his injured face before spatting a mouthful of blood on the stone floor.
“Fuck you! Fight me like a real man! Untie me fucking scum!” He spit every curse he could think of in their faces but in the end lost. Belts were fastened around his wrists, his ankles, and his chest. He tried to unbalance the chair but found it to be nailed to the ground. The two guards, out of breath, took a step back behind the oldest man.
“I’ll make this simple Mister Jinn. My name is Sir Sannes. I have a great many questions I wish to ask you. You will answer them as truthfully as you can remember. If you fail to do so then I will be forced to hurt you, do you understand?” He removed his arms from his cloak, dug into a bag on his hip and pulled out a pair of leather gloves.
“Fuck you.” Eld spat back.
“I'm glad we have an understanding.” He stepped forward, towering over the blonde. Eld had very seldom felt fear in his life.
He’d felt it the day his mother was murdered by bandits at nine years old.
He’d felt it the day he’d stolen from the wrong noble and found himself on the run from their knights at twelve years old.
He’d felt it the day Eren was kidnapped at fifteen years old.
He’d felt it his first time on the front lines at eighteen years old.
And now again at twenty.
It wasn’t the gloves with dried blood infused and stained into the leather hide. It wasn’t the small knife he took from his bag. Hell it wasn’t even the way the two guards stayed in the room, cracking their knuckles in preparation.
It was the coldness in Sir Sannes’s eyes. His brows didn’t furrow, his lips didn’t twitch. He didn’t look happy or angry. Just content with the situation.
This is what brought a cold, hollow terror into his chest.
“Question one,” he grabbed Eld’s index finger and held it flat, bringing the knife’s point right under his nail. “How old is Prince Eren at this current point in time.”
Eld’s brows furrowed deep. “W-what?” He asked.
“Perhaps I wasn’t loud enough, forgive me.” Slid the knife deeper and began to lift up.
Eld immediately flinched, trying to pry his hand away but was stopped by the belt fastened tight at his wrist. “Wait!” He shouted. Sir Sannes didn’t move fast. It was slow, agonizing, just enough to feel an painful sting.
“Allow me to speak louder, Mister Jinn. Prince Eren, what is his current age?” Eld winced harder as Sannes resumed lifting his nail.
“A-ah!” He shouted, feeling the knife’s point dig deeper under the nail. “W-what does it matter!” His hand began to shake as blood leaked from the now half lifted nail.
“That does not matter, answer the question.”
This feels different from before. When they questioned him last it seemed more from a place of superiority. Like they were trying to break him, scare him. Even the questions that were asked were things he would obviously never answer no matter what they put him through. A way to demoralize disguised as an interrogation. When one is in constant pain they are less willing to talk, they know this.
He was being forced into a game of wills. How much pain he can handle, how impatient Sannes can get. But that means he’ll have to give something’s up.
Eld’s eyes narrowed, feeling the last half off his nail being ripped from his skin. “Fuck!” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Seventeen! He’s seventeen!” Sannes stopped immediately and gave a gentle smile.
“Good man.” He removed the blade from his index finger. “Next,” he moved on to his middle finger. “What color is Prince Eren’s eyes?”
“What? What the fuck does that matter!” Sannes sighed at Eld’s shouted question and with no hesitation pushed the knife point completely under his nail with no warning. Eld screamed out, trying again to flinch away but stopped by the tight straps.
“Fuck! FUCK! You sadistic fuck !” He cried out.
“His eyes, Mister Jinn, what color were his eyes.”
“Green! His eyes are green!” He tried to blink back the tears unwantedly welling in his eyes.
“Good, good.” He removed the knife again and moved onto his ring finger. Eld panted heavily, his fingers throbbed, his teeth ache from clenching so hard. The one good thing that came from it was the bleeding from his fingers warmed his ice cold hands. “Next question, what rank did Eren hold in the mercenary group the Scouts?” Eld stared at him with wide eyes.
What the fuck did any of this matter?
Sannes began slowly digging his knife under his nail again and Eld shouted. “No rank!” Sannes stopped. “He held no real rank, he was just a soldier like me.” The knight did not remove the knife, only moved onto the next question.
“What relationship did Prince Eren hold with Erwin Smith?” This question took Eld aback.
“W-what?” He started to push the knife in. Think quick, he needed to think quick. “Antagonistic!” Sannes stopped letting the blonde continue. “He was always disobeying him, they butt heads a lot on things.” It wasn’t a lie, Eren did have a tendency to work Erwin’s last nerve.
“On what details?”
“What, I don’t–“ he pushed the knife under again and began to lift. “I don’t understand the question!” Eld shouted.
“On what details did they fight? Money, leadership, power?” Oh he understood. He was trying to figure out if Eren had any want for position and power.
“N-no, stupid things. Eren drinks too much or getting himself in trouble with guards. He had no desire to lead the Scouts.” He wanted to bite his tongue off, wanted to spit in the man’s face again for speaking about Eren. But right now he needs to stay alive.
“Fine. Next question–“ he continued on.
-
Levi wasn’t much of a pouter, not that he would let on willingly at least. But here he was, kicking a rock down the worn foot path to the horse corral, furious about being left out on this month's job. It was a large one too. They were to escort a noble lady to her family home, away from her tyrant of a husband. It would have paid a lot of gold, possibly more if they played their cards right. But no, Erwin told him he had to stay back. That only he, Mike, and Eld would be doing this job. Saying Levi was too young to understand a delicate situation like this.
Bullshit.
If anyone knew about domestic disputes it was him. He tried to argue this, tried to say fifteen was plenty old but Erwin wouldn’t hear any of it. Just insisted that it was the three of them going. And so here he was, pissed off, a bit jealous, and hungry. But the hunger was besides the point, at least that will be solved with dinner in an hour or two.
The camp site they’d chosen this time around was near the city of Trost, surrounded by thick prairie fields and ponds dotting all over the area. It was more annoying than anything else really, but they wouldn’t be staying too long this time around. They’d chosen this spot specifically for this job, that he can’t go too. God Dammit he’s thinking about it again.
He took in a deep, albeit huffing, breath. Continuing to make his way up to the stables. He expected it to be empty save for the horses, but it wasn’t. He was surprised to hear a voice.
“Oooooh, there was a lady that lived in the North,
Lay the bend to Bonnie broom,
And she had lovely daughters three,”
The voice sounded cheerful, singing loud, uncaring of any that would listen.
“Oooooh, There was a knight of noble worth,
Lay the bend to bonnie broom,
Who also lived in the north,”
It was Eren, with Albert’s snout in his hand serenading the horse. The singing wasn’t awful, may have even been good if it hadn’t been for the terrible cracks in his voice. The boy's back was to him, and Levi made no move to hide as he continued to sing on.
“O, late one night it was cold and bright,
Lay the bend to bonnie broom,
This knight he knocked on the ladies gate,
Hmm hmm hmm,”
He continued to hum loudly. Levi unhooked the corral gate and closed it behind him. Hands in his pocket he walked up to the horses.
“What are you singing?” He asked and Eren jumped, hand clutched over his beating heart.
“Holy shit Levi!” His voice cracked again and Levi smiled.
“No, please continue.” He gave a whistle and waited for Alexander to come galloping up. Eren ducked his head down, obvious blush to his cheeks as he resumed brushing Albert.
“Shutup…” he mumbled. Levi smiled wider as Alexander approached, forcing his snout into Levi’s hands. No doubt in search of treats.
“What did you do this time?” Levi asked, petting the horse's black nose.
Eren didn’t respond right away, only let out a low groan, tossing his head back.
“It wasn’t even my fault!” He shouted, startling Albert.
“You and Jean got into another fight didn’t you?”
“He started it! Stupid horse face…” he resumed his brushing again, grumbling more curses to himself. Levi let a small chuckle escape.
“Sounds like you earned it then.”
“Shut Up not you too.” He glared. Levi looked down at the ground and lolled his head with a heavy sigh. He didn’t know what it was, but the look at Eren’s face just pulled at his heart strings. It was almost cute.
“Why don’t we go for a ride?” Eren’s head immediately perked up.
“Wait, really?” He asked. Levi nodded, running his hand through Alexander’s mane.
“Yeah.”
“But won’t we get in trouble? We’re not supposed to leave without telling anyone, and I’m in trouble so I’ll get into double trouble and I really don’t want that.” Eren spouted with a hesitant eye. Levi shrugged.
“I’ll be with you, so it’s fine. If Erwin gets mad I’ll tell him to kiss my ass.” Eren smiled so wide his face nearly split.
“For real? You mean it? Like right now?” He grabbed Levi’s arm and shook him. Levi let on another small smile and nodded.
“Yeah go get your gear.”
-
Levi paced back and forth, the grass under him worn down to dust. They should have been back hours ago. They should have been able to at least send someone back with word on how the job went. Why hadn’t they sent back word?
It was Eren’s first job. Nothing huge, just a debt retrieval. But the gambler in debt was a knight. Not just any knight, a son of a Duke.
“Quit pacing, they'll be fine.” Hange called out from the fire pit. “Eld’s with them, everything’s going to be fine. He’s fifteen, you mother him too much.” She tried to soothe.
“They should have been back hours ago. Eren isn’t exactly careful Hange, you know this. The kids a loose canon.” Hange waved him off.
“You’ve trained him enough, he’s ready. You just need to have some faith in him. Now come sit down, you're making me anxious.”
Levi groaned and walked over, taking a seat on the log next to her. “What if he’s in trouble? What if he’s hurt?”
“And what if the sky turns purple and I regrow an eye?” She snapped back and Levi gave her a dirty look. “He’s fiiiiiiine.” She clapped him on the back.
Finally, he heard the sound of hooves.
“They’re back.” He jumped up.
Eld, Jean, Ymir, and Eren all rode in howling into the wind. Held up in Eren’s hands a heavy sack jingling in the air. They all came to a stop at the fire pit and dismounted, cheering and laughing.
“Eren.” Levi called out.
“Levi!” Eren dropped the sack, came running up, and grabbed Levi around the waist lifting him into the air.
“Woah!” He shouted, clawing at Eren’s shoulders. “Put me down!” A deep warmth spread across his cheeks and his heart thumped. The feeling of Eren’s hand on the small of his back, one strong arm holding him high into the air. He almost had to start kicking to be let go.
Eren excitedly told Levi every detail of the job. How he’d fought the knight, even though he wasn’t supposed to and almost got them all caught, but still he’d won the fight. Levi could only watch his cheerful face with a smile. The way his eyes lit up, the way he talked with his hands, his shoulder length hair flicking back and forth as he spoke.
That night he watched Eren from afar, afraid of what his body would do if he got too close. Watching as he joked with the others. Realizing how his green eyes held flecks of gold against firelight. How his eyes creased when he smiled wide. The way his tongue ran across his bottom lip, catching a stray droplet of wine.
He caught himself, clutching a hand to his chest.
Oh no.
No no no no no.
Not Eren, anyone but Eren. There was no way.
He peeked over again. This time Eren had Jean caught in a headlock. His head was thrown back in laughter, a wide toothy smile shown bright. His shirt was sleeveless showing off the impressive biceps that had been earned from years of sword training. Levi’s eyes nearly popped out his head at the sight of his shirt riding up his stomach. Were those abs? When did the shithead get abs? Did his hair always look so soft? How is he just now noticing how plump his lips were.
Levi had always known about himself. About what he was. From a very young age he knew that he was different from the boys around him. As the boys grew into men they started noticing the girls around them more and more. Men like Eld that left a trail of broken hearts. Mike, the gentle giant, who caught the hearts of every girl he met. Even Erwin in his holier than thou attitude had a bit of a list. But he just found himself disinterested. Sure they were pretty, he could appreciate the traits a woman could offer. But the first time he’d ever laid with one, it just felt off. Downright unpleasurable. And then he met the man in the tavern and everything fell into place.
He’d never really paid much attention though outside of sex. Sex was easy, it was fun. He didn’t get crushes, he didn’t get fascinated.
So what was so different about Eren, and why can’t he stop staring.
-
Levi watched from afar. Dagger in one hand, smoothing stone in another as he dragged it along the blade. He’d seen Eren’s wanted poster in town and as much as he didn’t want to rat on him he knew he had to show Erwin. This was the third one in the last year. He’s getting sloppy, he’s getting careless.
Erwin was furious, more furious than he’d seen in a long time. He’d always held Eren at a higher standard than the others. Maybe it was his lineage, maybe he actually saw something in him. Who knows. Either way Eren wasn’t going to take the scolding well.
He and Jean had just returned from the corrals. The kids ran up to them excited to see them come home, waiting to hear the news of their adventures. Eren seemed distracted though. He could see Jean trying to pull him towards Erwin tent but the brunette’s eyes were wandering, in look of something.
He smiled wide when he found it. Levi followed his trail of vision, he had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. Of course, Krista.
Eren made a B-line to her with a frustrated Jean on his tail. Levi watched his boyish excitement turn to a suave smile. He slicked back his hair, puffed out his chest, walked with a swagger. He was trying way too hard. Krista looked bemused by him but smiled anyway. They spoke for a few minutes before Eren whipped out something dazzling. A loaded diamond necklace that could be pawned for more gold than any of them would see in a lifetime. Levi had to fight the shock from seeing it. Krista politely handed it back, not looking impressed at all by the shiny jewelry. Eren looked back confused.
This is how it always was. He’d show up, shower her with gifts and affection. Flash his dazzling smile. She’d blush, shove him away. Oh yup, there she goes pushing him away. She’d find an excuse to touch him. Sometimes his shoulder or arm, if she was feeling especially bold his chest.
Levi hated it. But he hated himself even more for hating it. He really thought the fascination would die down. But it didn’t, in fact it grew worse and worse every time he looked at him.
Sweet Krista didn’t deserve his anger. Eren didn’t deserve his jealousy. But sometimes, in a daze, he would imagine. Imagine storming up and pulling Eren back into his arms. Shouting at the blonde healer to stay back, he was his. He wonders if she would be disgusted or angry at him, taking away someone she loved. Sometimes he wondered what it would feel like to be in her shoes. Smiled at the way Eren did to her. That sweet, smooth voice talking to him so gently. The way his calloused wide palms would move a stray hair of her behind her ear.
Would he ever feel that?
Loved?
-
Eren couldn’t help the sob that escaped his throat as he stumbled down the guest wings halls. Thankfully no servants could be seen at the moment, so when he burst through his door next to Levi’s there was nothing stopping him from the full breakdown that was inevitably about to happen.
“Eren?” Mikasa shot up from his armor that hung messily on a chair. “Oh my God, what happened?”
“M-Mikasa? What are you–“ she reached him as he stumbled to one knee, hand over his mouth to keep from gagging.
“Reiner asked if I could get everyone’s weapons and armor to be repaired, I couldn’t find you so I was getting it myself. What happened, why are you crying, why are you sick?” She tried to lift him by the elbows but he didn’t budge.
“Levi…” he gasped.
“What? What did Levi do, did he hurt you?” Eren shook his head furiously, trying to find the words.
“How does he not hate me? Why is he with me?” Mikasa stopped pulling and stared down at him.
“What?” She asked, dropping to her own knees. “Eren take a breath, I don’t understand. Why would Levi hate you?”
“I got really drunk, and I barged in his room…and…and I don’t understand how he doesn’t hate me.” He slouched over bringing his forehead to his knees.
“What? So you’re worried Levi’s angry at you for being drunk? Does he normally care?” She asked slowly, trying to piece together his Incoherent words.
“Everything! Everyone! I’ve banished them all! I’ll get them killed, I’ll get you killed. How do we know the King can protect us? How do we know Zeke finding out I’m in Marley doesn’t turn the war for the worst?” He couldn’t catch his breaths as he slowly began to hyperventilate.
“I don’t want to lose him, but Zeke’s going to kill him! He’s going to do horrible things when he finds him. Or worse turn him over to the church. I can’t protect him!”
Mikasa threw her arms around Eren’s neck bringing him in close. With no hesitation he wrapped his arms around her waist, burying his face into her shoulder. “Eren breath please–“
“I can’t be a King! I can’t do this, I can’t–“ he gasped again. “I don’t want to watch you all die because of me. I can’t. I just can’t–“ Mikasa cut him off with a gentle ‘ shhhhh’ .
“Breathe…breathe.” She crooned softly.
His mind was ablaze, his head ached, his throat burned. Every time he tried to speak again Mikasa would cut him off with another string of shushes.
“Eren have you slept since Annie helped you?” She asked. He nodded lightly.
“A f-few hours.” He sniffed. She nodded back and put a caressing hand on his cheeks.
“Do you love Levi?” She asked. He blinked hard, a rogue tear rolling down his cheek that was caught by Mikasa’s cool finger.
“What?” He asked.
“Do you love him?” She stared her dark abyss like eyes into his. Her question was genuine. And he had to think hard about it.
Did he love Levi?
He knew he held a place in his heart. If he had been asked this question six months ago he would have said yes, of course. He was his friend, his brother. Of course he loved him. But this was not the same. No, Mikasa did not mean love in the sense of family. Did he love Levi as a man?
As long as he had any memory within the Scouts, Levi had always been there. In the beginning when he couldn’t sleep, he was there to talk too. When he needed advice, he was there with honesty. When he needed a kick in the ass, he was more than happy to deal it out.
Every touch was like fire. Every stare was like electricity. The way his hands molded along his body in a way no other ever had. The way we saw through every wall he’d learned to build.
A single word could sooth. Being in his arms felt more protective than any armor he’d ever worn. He wanted to make him smile and laugh and cry. He wanted to build him up so high Eren would be a mere ant under his boot.
Was that love?
“I-I don’t know…” he managed to stutter out. “I just don’t want to lose him. Mikasa, I’m–“ he choked. “I'm scared of what’s going to happen to him. I'm scared of losing and never seeing him again. I'm scared of winning, and again, never seeing him again. He's always been there, at my side even before we fell into eachothers arms. No matter what happened he was with me. I can’t– I can’t bear to lose him.”
The corners of her mouth tugged in a small, sad smile. “Tell me your fears, Eren. Tell me about them all. Just speak and don’t think, don’t stop. Tell me everything.” She hugged him tight.
And he did. For the next hour he let go of every anxious thought, every fearful image that could come to mind. He spoke of his dreams and what Zeke did to them all in them. He spoke of his coma induced sleep that terrorized every silent thought and beat of his heart. He spoke of facing his brother and facing Erwin, Mike, and Eld. How angry those three must be at him. He spoke of how he knew Armin did not look at him the same and how he didn’t know how to live up to the man he sees him being. He spoke of his inadequacies compared to Prince Reiner. He spoke of the King and the plans he had for him. Everything, every small thought was released until he was nearly a blubbering mess on the floor.
Neither one had moved from the spot they had dropped too. Mikasa never said a word. Just hummed and nodded along with everything he had to say. By the time he was done he was cried out. Eyes red and throat raw, body heavy and mind exhausted.
“You’ve been carrying so much…” she whispered, wiping away a stray tear.
“I just want someone to tell me what to do…” he whispered back. With a light breath she smiled and smoothed his messy hair from his face. She then wiped her thumbs across his wet eyes to rid him of any more tears.
“Well,” she started. “First things first, you need to talk to Levi.” Eren met her eye and shook his head.
“No, I can’t. I can’t face him right now. Not after all that.” There was no way he could see Levi right now. Not after leaving the way he did. He was probably furious.
“Eren, I'm going to tell you something that I want you to remember.” She took both of his hands into her and gave a tight squeeze. “If there’s something I know, it’s Ackerman men. They are harsh, unsocial, and self deprecating. But most of all their fixers. And if someone they love is having a hard time and they don’t know how to fix it, they get frustrated. I'm sure that’s what he’s feeling. Especially since you won’t just sit down and talk with him. How long have you two been friends?” She asked.
Eren shrugged. “Almost five and a half years at this point I guess.”
“Has there ever been a time you refused to talk to him about anything?” He stilled.
No, there wasn’t. Anytime anything was wrong one of the first people he would go to was Levi. Whether it was insecurity, girl troubles, friend troubles, job advice. It was always Levi.
“No…I guess not.”
“Then of course he’s worried. When you're with someone you need to talk to them. Even if it scares you, because if it’s about him he has a right to know. You need to trust that he’ll support you instead of just assuming the worst.” Mikasa’s words made sense but he still felt doubt.
“But how do I know this won’t be too much for him? How do I know it won’t overwhelm him and he’ll run off?” She shrugged with another squeeze to his hand.
“You don’t. But I can’t imagine he would. He left his home country for you, doesn’t that count for something?” Eren lips pursed but Mikasa continues before he could say anything back. “Has he ever run from your past before?” He thought about it for a moment.
“…no.” he answered quietly.
“Then I think that’s your answer.” She smiled softly.
There was a knock at the door that drew both their attention away from each other. Mikasa stood from their spot on the floor in the middle of Eren’s room and motioned for him to get up.
“Come on, you don’t want anyone to know you were crying like a child on the floor.” He gave a foul look and grunted as he stood.
“Shutup…” he muttered as he got to both feet. Mikasa gave a short laugh before walking to the door.
Armin stood on the other side smiling wide with a thick leather tome in his arms. He didn’t wait for an invitation and waltzed in without sparing a glance at Eren.
“I'm glad I caught you two. We have three things to discuss.” He started immediately for the coffee table in the sitting area. “Firstly I have the schedule for your classes. We have a lot to catch up on so it’s pretty jam packed. You’ll be taught mainly by Bertolt and I, occasionally a different tutor or two but we’d like to keep it to just the both of us.” He dropped the book onto the table with a loud ‘thump’ and continued. “Next you’ll begin training with Sir Leonhart. Now before you start I know you can fight just fine but you fight like a scoundrel not like a Prince. He’ll teach you proper tactics not just kicking dirt into someone’s eyes to win. Mikasa will help as well to inform you on Paradis military and its tactics.
Between Paradis and Marley the fighting techniques aren’t too different besides the technology and armor. So Sir Leonhart will be more than sufficient. I'm sure Mikasa will have no objections to tutoring you on the military.” Eren opened the book's cover and began flipping through it with bewildered eyes.
“Uh…”
“And lastly, there’s to be a ball. Now attendance is not mandatory but–“ Eren blinked several times.
“W-wait, what? A ball? Why?” Armin turned and smiled.
“Well the cities of Marley are currently celebrating the summer solstice. So every solstice the King throws a ball to celebrate as well, and you're going.” Armin crossed his arms with a nod. “It will do you good. You’ll be able to test your etiquette skills in proper company. It will give Bertolt and I a chance to see how much schooling you actually need. Plus it will give you a chance to speak with other nobles and possibly gain resources and allies.” Eren frowned and cupped his face into his hands.
“I hated balls as a child, do I really have to do this?”
“There will be wine if that helps.” Eren’s stomach churned at the revelation of that.
“Don’t mention wine please.” He put a hand to his stomach and groaned. Armin frowned and gave him a once over.
“Don’t tell me…are you hungover right now?” He nearly shouted. Eren covered his ears letting out another groan.
“I really don’t wanna talk about it–“ Mikasa cleared her throat and stared Eren down. He knew exactly what she was trying to say. He met her eyes with a sigh and looked back at Armin. “Yes…I got drunk right after my meeting with the King.”
“Eren, why would you do that?” His tone was that of admonishing a child. Eren bit at his cheek with a roll of his head and deep breath.
“I…sorta…lost it? I guess, I don’t know.” He ran a hand through his hair, staring at Armin’s polished leather boots.
“You lost it? Lost what I don’t understand.” He gave a queer eye.
“It, like me, I don't know. I just lost it. And I got drunk and I barged into Levi’s room and lost it even worse and now I think we’re in a fight but I don’t know because I’m an idiot.” He spoke fast, rubbing his tired eyes. Armin looked to Mikasa to translate.
“He had a breakdown.” She surmised.
“Ah, and Levi is angry at you because of it? Is that right?” Eren shook his head.
“I don’t know. I think? I said some things and I left him alone, now I don’t know how to fix it.” He leaned back against the sofa, head draped over the edge. Armin clicked his tongue and thought for a moment.
“Honestly I don’t really know how to help. Why don’t you just ask him?” Eren groaned into his hands and sat up quickly.
“Because I don’t want to make him more angry. Or at the minimum more awkward than things already are.” Armin nodded slowly and looked to Mikasa for some kind of help. The woman shrugged and leaned both arms on the back of the sofa next to Eren’s head.
“Eren, you need to talk to him. You need to just get it over with. Because sitting here and wallowing in your own self pity isn’t going to fix it.” Her voice was delicate, her eyes were soft. Armin on the other hand just looked uncomfortable. Eren wasn’t surprised. He didn’t have much expertise on romantic emotions.
Eren let out another sigh, dropping his hands into his lap. “….alright…just give me a bit more time. Armin tell me about what classes I’m going to be taking.” Armin nodded, more interested in the topic now.
-
Eld’s fingers dripped blood onto the stone floor. His hands were freezing. Not even the blood could warm him anymore. His hands couldn’t stop shaking. He felt dizzy. He was sure he hadn’t lost that much blood. Perhaps it was the shock that was setting in. Or maybe it was the pain playing tricks on his mind.
The only remaining nails he had left were two on his right hand and his thumb nail on his left. Sir Sannes was not like Porco. The Right, while efficient, was not as practiced. But Sannes, he was an expert. He knew exactly how to inflict the worst or least amount of pain. His movements were precise. And still he held a nonchalant attitude to him. His questions were nothing special. Simple things like what were Eren’s hobbies? Who was he close to? Did he have any lovers? What was his favorite color? Nothing that truly mattered. Eld tried to answer them the best he could. But when he did not know the answer he was punished with a nail being removed. But when he knew the answer, he was rewarded with a break.
During these breaks Sannes was quite chatty. Talking away as if the two were old friends. Eld didn’t respond much unless directly asked his opinion on something. But the topics varied. Politics, economics, philosophy, religion. The knight talked about it all. The conversation would have almost been pleasant if not for when the breaks were over. And they had to talk about Eren again.
“You’ve done well, Mister Jinn, very well.” Sannes wiped his gloved hands clean on a rag, then ran his blade across the cloth. “I wish I could say this is our last meeting, but alas, it is not.” Eld had to keep himself from moaning. The knight snapped his fingers and the guard who had cut his ankle stepped forward. “Tend to Mister Jinns wounds.” Eld frowned.
“W-what?” He had to force his neck muscles to move as his head hung limp.
“I'm not a sadist. Can’t have you getting an infection in your fingers and dying on us now can we?” He spoke as the guard began wrapping gauze tightly around each individual finger. It was so tight he could feel his pulse in the tips of them.
“We will meet once a day, everyday, until I’m satisfied with the information I have been given. And once a week you will meet with the King. Continue to do well and the pain will be less and less. Disappoint me and you will be punished accordingly. Do you understand?” Eld could only stare up at him. His eyes, they finally showed something other than apathy. But he couldn’t quite tell what it was. Weakly he nodded.
“Good man.”
-
Levi had laid silent in his bed for the last few hours. Arms under his head, staring up at the ceiling. He felt a complicated agglomeration of emotions. He was angry, yes, but not so much he felt like lashing out. He was more angry at Eren’s unwillingness to admit that there was something wrong. He was even more frustrated that there was nothing he could do to help.
Eren was not a complicated man, atleast, he hadn’t been in the past. He’d always been quick to anger and even quicker to tears. The other boys used to tease him often for being such a crybaby. Levi found it endearing actually. No matter what he wore his heart on his sleeve. It was his favorite thing about Eren. He didn’t play a game of cat and mouse to figure out what he was thinking, he just told you. Which is why it was so frustrating that for the first time in the five years he’s known him, he won't tell him what’s wrong. And if he doesn’t tell him, how is he supposed to fix it?
When he was very young, Levi was a bit of a troublemaker. Once was caught stealing a loaf of bread from a vendor. Again.
When his mother asked him why he’d stolen it he said it was her favorite, and he knew she would want it. Exasperated, she took his face in her hands and scolded him. He couldn’t help but be brought to tears. He’d never heard his mother so angry before. He was sure she hated him. He hugged her and begged her not to be angry anymore. He would do anything to make her not hate him. She was confused at first. Said how could she ever hate him? He said how could she not hate him for all the trouble he’d brought? All the time it was something she had to deal with. Her response was simple, she loved him, so it was worth it.
His mother explained that even when you love someone there will be times when you're angry. There will be times where you want to scream and yell and say awful things. They will say hurtful things, they will do selfish things, they will do stupid things. You being angry at them does not mean you don’t love them. It means you love them so much you're willing to get angry at them so they’ll do better. And with anger comes patience. Patience to teach and to learn. Patience to meet on a common ground. That is love.
His mother's words have stuck with Levi his whole life. And he was sure this is what she meant. Eren was being irrational, depressed, angry. Levi saw every flaw bright as day. A weaker man would have run. But still, the thought of Eren sad and alone. It made his heart ache. The only reason he wasn’t running to his side now is that he knew the man needed to think, to be alone. His words hurt, his distrust hurt even worse. Levi himself needed time to think as well.
A soft knock at the door drew him from his muddled thoughts. He lifted his head and listened, half wondering if he had imagined it before another knock a bit louder sounded. Slowly, he lifted himself out of bed and barefoot padded his way over to the door, opening it a crack. He was surprised to see Eren on the other side.
His head hung low, his fingers fidgeted with his nails. The expression he wore was a solemn one. The brunette lifted his eyes to Levi who couldn’t help but soften his own expression.
“Can I come in?” He asked. Levi shifted his weight into one hip.
“I don’t know. Are you going to get drunk again if the talk doesn’t go well?” Eren grimaced.
“I deserve that.” Levi rolled his eyes and opened the door wide.
“Get in here before someone sees you.” He turned and walked towards the bed. Eren came inside, closing the door behind him with a soft click. Levi made it to the bed and knelt on it, patting the spot next to him. “Sit.” He said.
Eren walked across the room to the bed taking the spot next to Levi. He took a deep breath in and out, staring at Levi’s knee propped on the covers.
“I'm sorry…” he started. “I'm sorry I haven’t been honest with you. I'm sorry I tried to lie–“
“Badly.” Levi interrupted.
“…lie badly about what is going on with me. I'm sorry I got so drunk and scared you. I'm just,” he sighed. “I'm trying to get better. I'm trying to be better. To be a better man for you. To be a good friend to the Scouts. To be a good King for Paradis. And I’m so scared about our futures. Not just you and me, everyone. I have no idea what I’m doing. And I don’t know how to do this and make everyone happy at the same time. I just want to live a quiet life with you and our family. And everytime I think about what I’ve done or what I have to do, I get so scared that I’m just making everything worse. And then I start to think that maybe, just maybe, everything would be better if I just…wasn’t here.” Levi put a hand over Eren’s mouth, cutting him off.
“Don’t talk like that. Don’t ever say that to me again.” Levi’s molten eyes stared hard into Erens who nodded weakly.
He pulled his hand from his mouth. “I'm just…trying to be honest. I'm not trying to scare you.” He gave a small smile. “Remember in the beginning. When I said I’d make a lot of mistakes?” Levi nodded. “I wasn’t kidding. I have no idea what I’m doing. I just know that I hurt you, and that I’m sorry for that.”
“Eren, I'm not afraid of you making mistakes. I'm afraid of you shutting me out. I know you're afraid of me running off the minute things get hard, but I think you're forgetting something.” He cupped his cheek, bringing him in for a gentle kiss. Their lips touched, molding together like two halves of a whole. Soft and delicate in their movements. “I was the one who found you, Eren Jaeger. When you washed up on the shore I saw you from a distance on my horse. I almost didn’t say anything, assuming it was just another dead body. But something in my gut told me I needed to get you. Whether it be fate or God, I don’t think it matters. The universe put you into my hands. And it’s going to take a lot more than your cock of a brother torturing you in your dreams to drive me away.”