Chapter Text
It all started out as a rivalry, one sided on both parts. Jealousy clouded vision causing head on collisions around every corner. Envy, competition, admiration. The lines are constantly blurred and crossed. The first time Keith saw him, he immediately didn’t like him. It wasn’t something he thought much about at the time. He was an annoying, talkative guy in his philosophy class. But as the days went on, Keith couldn’t help but feel that annoyance shift into a twisted sort of admiration. He was everything he wasn’t. He is everything Keith will never be. That’s how Keith ended up joining a band with him. That’s how Keith figured out his older half brother was a fan of rock music.
–
“Keith?” Pidge says, adjusting her glasses, “any chance you guys can skip class tomorrow?”
Keith looks at her, closing the book he was reading. Since they formed their band, Keith, Lance, Allura and Hunk have made a pretty good name for themselves. It started out as something they all did for fun and Keith really only joined cause of Lance, but turns out they’re actually pretty good. Good enough to afford a practice space off of gig money. They really have Pidge to thank for a lot of that. She may be the youngest of them, but as a manager, she’s flawless.
“I think it’s just Lance and I that have one tomorrow,” Keith says, “he shouldn’t be hard to convince. Why?”
“Well, I sort of owed that bar downtown a huge favour,” Pidge says, “they want you guys to play in the afternoon and night tomorrow.”
It’s been a while since they last played a double gig, but Keith really can’t complain about missing physics and he’s sure Lance is on the same page. It’s not like their professor actually teaches them, he just reads from the textbook.
“Awesome, I gotta run, but have a good practice,” Pidge says, “pick out a decent set list for tomorrow.”
With that, she’s gone, leaving Keith alone in the room. The practice room is simple enough. They have a little alcove to the left with a couch, table, mini fridge and microwave, and the main part of the room is dedicated entirely to their instruments. Keith’s drums sit in the back corner, Allura’s keyboard not far off to the side. Hunk has his collection of bass guitars hanging on the wall and Lance’s various decorated microphones stand in the middle of the room. As far as practice rooms go, it’s cozy, but everything they could really need. He picks his book back up, enjoying the peace and quiet. The band isn’t meant to practice for another hour, and he often finds himself here when he needs some peace and quiet. He loves Shiro to death, but he’s always doing something in their place. He has friends over all the time, works on his car all day… point is, he can be a bit noisy. But of course, Keith doesn’t even get to finish the chapter before the door opens, letting in a cool breeze.
“Keith! I knew you’d be here,” Lance says, waltzing into the room.
And god… Keith is pathetic. The sun from the open door illuminates Lance in a jaw dropping manor. Keith would never admit it outloud, but he could honestly look at Lance forever and never get bored. Words can’t begin to describe just how irresistible he is.
“I need a new hiding place,” Keith grumbles, closing the book for good.
If Lance is here, he can kiss any sort of quiet goodbye.
“It’s not exactly a hiding place if it’s a shared space,” Lance says, “plus, we all know you hide from Shiro in here.”
“You don’t live with him, you don’t get it,” Keith says as Lance grins and drops onto the couch next to him.
His all too familiar smell takes over Keith’s senses and for a moment, his brain stops. Everything about Lance is just… alluring. It’s infuriating. Surprisingly, Lance doesn’t say anything once he’s sitting. He just looks at Keith with an unreadable expression on his face.
“What?” Keith asks self-consciously.
“Your mullet looks stupider than normal today,” Lance says.
Keith rolls his eyes. He can’t go a second without Lance mentioning his hair. It would be exhausting if it was anyone other than Lance saying it. But Keith likes when Lance’s attention is on him. He tries not to let the slight disappointment show. He actually really liked the way his hair looked today, he put a bit of effort into styling it.
“Did you just come here to be annoying?” Keith asks, “cause I’d really like some peace and quiet right now.”
Lance shakes his head, letting it fall back against the back of the couch. He closes his eyes softly and a soft laugh travels through him. Keith has to force his eyes away from his side profile, looking at literally anything else in the room.
“I actually need to tell you something,” Lance says.
“Are you going to say some stupid pun again?” Keith says, “cause you’re wasting my time here.”
“No, I’m being serious,” Lance says.
Keith looks back to him at the sincerity in his tone. Lance looks concerned, almost scared and Keith really isn’t used to that expression. He really doesn’t like it. But before Lance can say anything else, Hunk bursts into the room, singing something very out of tune.
“Hey!” Hunk says, cutting his singing off, “you guys starting practice early without me?”
Lance looks at Keith apologetically and gets up from the couch, walking over to Hunk. Keith is frozen there for a second, unsure how to feel. He’s never seen that look on Lance’s face before.
“Keith was being a loser and reading a book,” Lance says.
“Why are you here? You’re great at being late,” Hunk says.
Lance rolls his eyes and walks over to his mic stand, twirling it around himself to face Hunk again. Keith has to admit that when they’re performing, any time the rhythm is simple enough to allow it, he watches Lance perform. He really likes the version of Lance that comes out on stage. He’s in his element and he’s beautiful.
“I was already in my car, so I decided to just come early,” Lance says, “is that a crime?”
“Nope,” Hunk says.
They soon fall into an easy conversation, but Keith isn’t listening. Something about Lance is still… off. Whatever it is he wanted to talk about, it’s weighing pretty heavily on him. He can tell just by the way Lance’s grin is less wide than normal.
“Keith? Can I mess around with your kit for a bit?” Hunk asks.
“Uh yeah, sure,” Keith says, snapping back into reality.
When Hunk and Lance are both distracted again, Keith pulls out his book to distract himself again, but it does nothing to help. He spends the next thirty minutes watching them carefully until Allura gets there. When she walks in, she gently sits next to Keith, as elegant as ever.
“How long have they been at it?” she asks.
Keith smiles and finally diverts his attention from them.
“Half hour,” Keith says.
“We should practice before they get too tired,” Allura says.
Keith nods and they stand, joining the other two.
“Did Pidge talk to you guys?” Keith asks before they get too distracted.
“About the double gig tomorrow?” Hunk asks.
“Yeah, we can all make that work, right?” Keith says, “she sort of needs us.”
“Well, I had no idea about this,” Lance exclaims, “but I’m perfectly fine with missing physics.”
The rest of the afternoon is filled with them planning and practicing a set list for the next day. As always, feeling the drum sticks in his hands, feeling the drums vibrate down his arms, does a lot to calm Keith down. He nearly forgets about Lance’s face, about the moment altogether, but the second practice is over, he’s worried again. He knows Lance, knows that he could fully ignore their earlier conversation and move on like nothing happened. Keith isn’t going to let that happen.
“Care to join me for some ice cream?” Hunk asks, “Pidge is working so we can get all the toppings we want.”
As much as Keith would like to pester Pidge at her job, he has more important things on his mind right now. Before he can find a way to get Lance to stay back, Lance is talking.
“You guys go ahead,” Lance says, “I want to go over some lyrics.”
Keith looks at him, but Lance is looking away, already picking up some of his paper with his notes and lyrics.
“Suit yourself,” Allura says, “I’m with you, Hunk.”
They look over to Keith, but he just shrugs, nodding towards his book on the couch. They’ve known him long enough to know sometimes he just needs alone time. They don’t question him further and with an energetic goodbye, they leave. The second the door closes, Keith walks over to Lance.
“What’s going on?” Keith asks.
Lance stops messing with his papers and turns to face Keith. His eyes are brimming with tears and his shoulders are shaking slightly.
“Oh shit,” Keith mumbles, “come on.”
He leads them over to the couch and they both sit down. Lance is tense next to him and it breaks Keith’s heart. He knows they have a whole playful rivalry going on, but he hates the way Lance seems so… uncertain with him.
“Lance?” Keith says softly.
“I just- I need a second to gather myself,” Lance says.
Keith just nods and lets Lance tuck his legs into his chest. He can tell Lance is holding himself back, not letting himself truly feel whatever it is that’s bothering him. When his breathing only seems to get faster and his hands are squeezing his legs with white knuckles, Keith acts without thinking. He knows a panic attack when he sees one and Lance is about two seconds away from spiraling. He grabs his hands and holds them gently, running his thumbs over Lance’s knuckles.
“Breathe with me Lance,” Keith says, “in… out.”
Lance listens to his voice, trying his best to breathe with Keith. His hands are shaking in Keith’s and his shoulders are shaking with each breath.
“Tell me three things you can see right now,” Keith says, “what’s around us.”
“You,” Lance says, voice cracking, “your hands.”
Keith nods and hums in approval, his own heart beating quickly in his chest. He pushes his nerves down.
“The dog painting,” Lance says, voice slightly more steady.
Keith hums again and turns to look up at the painting. Lance bought it for the room the first day they had it. Keith thinks it’s adorable.
“That book,” Lance says, “stupid book.”
Keith chuckles and squeezes Lance’s hands encouragingly.
“Okay, three things you hear,” Keith says.
Lance takes a bit longer to answer this time, but his breathing is slower and his hands are less tense.
“Your voice,” Lance says, “and the clock you hate”
Keith glares up at the clock that Hunk insisted they have. The ticking really doesn’t help when he’s drumming. It’s an eternal metronome at a shitty tempo.
“My heart,” Lance says, “the stupid thing is beating super fast.”
“Good,” Keith says, trying not to let himself get too flustered.
Now that Lance is calming down, Keith is starting to actually clock in to what’s happening. He’s holding Lance’s hands. Lance is mentioning him first in the 3-3-3 method. He tries not to let any twinge of hope sparkle in his chest.
“Move three body parts next?” Lance asks softly.
Keith smiles and a wave of relief falls over him. Lance looks a lot closer to normal than he did a couple minutes ago.
“How did you know what to do?” Lance asks.
“When I was younger, my bunkmate at the orphanage had panic attacks a lot,” Keith says, “I looked into it when I noticed.”
Lance smiles softly and Keith’s heart flutters. Their hands are still connected.
“I’ve never had a panic attack before,” Lance says.
Keith looks at him sympathetically and starts moving his thumbs again.
“I’m sorry, I know they’re scary,” Keith says.
“Thanks,” Lance mumbles.
They’re silent after that, and Lance eventually slips his hands out from Keith’s.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Keith asks.
Lance takes a second to deliberate, but it’s not long before he starts talking again.
“You know my cousin Lucy?” Lance says, voice shaking.
“The one who always comes to our shows?” Keith asks, “of course.”
Lance takes a deep breath and his eyes start to water again.
“She- she died,” Lance says, “she got in a car accident and- and-”
His voice cuts off and a sob wracks over his body. Keith once again acts without thinking, wrapping his arms around Lance. Lance leans into his arms, hiding his face in Keith’s shoulder. Keith just holds him, paying no mind to the wet spot forming on his shoulder.
“It’s okay, I got you,” Keith says, “take your time.”
After a while, Lance sniffles and takes a deep breath.
“Her car flipped and she was stuck and she called me- she fucking called me Keith,” Lance says, “and I didn’t answer. I could have saved her.”
He sobs again and Keith just holds him tighter. Keith needs to hear more to really understand what happened, but he lets Lance have as long as he needs.
“It was a day ago, late at night, not far from my apartment,” Lance says, “she had already called 911, but I was closer.”
The story starts to piece together in his mind. Keith knows that Lance is blaming himself for her death, that he thinks he’s the reason she didn’t survive the crash.
“If I had just answered, I could have helped her in time,” Lance says.
Keith doesn’t need to hear more. He just holds Lance, whispering softly in his ear as Lance lets it all out. He tries not to let his own mind wander, but he can’t help it. Lance chose to talk to him.
“I’m sorry,” Lance says, “that’s a lot to dump on a person.”
He leans back slightly so he can look at Keith, who brushes his hair from his face.
“Don’t apologize,” Keith says.
Lance nods and leans back into Keith’s chest.
“Don’t tell the others yet,” Lance says, “I don’t want them to worry.”
“I won’t,” Keith says, “but don’t you want your best friend to know?”
Lance shakes his head.
“I know you’re probably wondering why I told you,” Lance says with a chuckle.
“A bit,” Keith says.
He’s thankful Lance trusts him, but he’s confused. More confused than he has been for a while. His dynamic with Lance has always confused him.
“I don’t know,” Lance says, “I just- it felt safe to tell you. And I was right. I feel safe.”
Keith freezes for a second, letting the words sink into his mind. It’s because he had a rough childhood, so he’d get it. That’s why. Because Keith knows angst better than any of them and Lance knew he’d get it, that he’d get the feeling of guilt.
“You know it’s not your fault,” Keith whispers.
“I’m trying to believe that,” Lance responds.
It’s because of the angst. Keith keeps repeating the words in his mind. But when Lance falls asleep not long after, still huddled in Keith’s arms, he’s not so sure.