Chapter Text
One day during a walk in the forest, a light snowfall began. The white and jagged clouds above us created a surreal atmosphere. The white daylight, accompanied by this bluish sky and the small snowflakes falling lightly around us, was spectacular.
Not so much because of the whole scene, as it had become a habitual sight after weeks spent here, but more for the sense of peace it brought, the silence that accompanied you, the muffled sound of footsteps in the snow, the woods hiding small creatures. If one had been careful, you could have seen them playing, rolling in the white, and hiding from unwanted eyes, it was all beautiful.
I hated that despite everything, I couldn't fully enjoy this peace. Even with the suppressed force in my senses, the call of the dark side never disappeared, just like the thoughts that tormented me when I was alone. Whether I liked it or not, I still firmly believed in the Sith code at that time and knew that what I was experiencing wasn't real. Or rather, it was only temporary joy. I couldn't hide here forever, and the thought burned my stomach.
Anyway, I walked with Yord's cloak over my shoulders, the hood covering my head. We held hands, keeping a slow pace along the riverbed we had discovered some time ago. We reached a large smooth rock where we decided to sit.
Luckily, we had started predicting the snowfalls, so Yord was promptly armed with an umbrella. He wedged it into one of the cracks and then turned to me. I blushed a bit when he gently placed his hands on my waist and pushed me up to sit well under the umbrella. Once he was sure I was comfortable, he hoisted himself up next to me. The constant sound of the stream in front of us was relaxing, with the snow accumulating on the grassy ground and the sky continuing to fill with clouds. I knew we would have to return home soon, but it was nice to enjoy the breeze.
"We should start deciding where to move you. We chose those cities in the mid-rim, but we need to analyze the places better to choose the final one" he began with a slow sigh. He didn't seem tired or bored, more... relaxed, actually. I was happy to see him like that.
"I know. I already asked Sam last night to look at some data. When we get back, we'll check everything."
I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye, nervously placing my hands on the rock or in my lap in nervous gestures. I wanted to move closer to him, even just to hold his arm, but I didn't have the courage. Basically, I didn't consider myself a particularly shy or awkward person, my previous experiences had been very direct except... well, Qimir. But with Yord, it was different. I longed for the warmth of his body more and more each day, his smile, his gentle gestures, everything.
But I didn't deserve it. None of this was real. At least not for me.
He couldn't imagine how much I was hiding from him. I wondered if he would discover the truth one day. What would he think of me? That I had deceived him using the dark side? That it was a plan from the beginning? Maybe... no. He would never take my son away from me.
I knew I was merging several fears together; the last few nights had been heavy for me. I had managed to sleep naturally, yet I always woke up tormented by nightmares.
They all started and ended the same way, with only slight differences.
I would open my eyes in a hospital bed, my body aching and a constant ringing in my ears. When I tried to move my neck, I could see a nightstand full of get-well-soon cards and balloons on my left.
At that point, I realized I was dreaming.
The room, the pain, the balloons, I wasn't imagining the future but recalling the past.
I would sit up to get out of bed and leave the room, the empty corridors with flickering lights, looking at myself and noticing the hospital gown, my body covered in bandages, and my too-thin, jagged fingers. It was all there.
Me, my guilt, and my pains. Again, a fifteen-year-old consumed by fear.
I knew I was dreaming, but I didn't know how to wake up, so I walked along the corridors without a real destination, door after door in a corridor too long to be natural.
Then I heard a baby's cry.
I quickened my pace with my heart in my throat until I was running so fast that I would open the doors with my shoulder, one, two, three, five, and then... finally, the sunlight.
The corridor ended in a double door wide open that seemed to face outside, the blinding light forcing me to cover my eyes with an arm.
And at that point, I realized something had changed. My body was healed, mature, the tattoos on my skin, I looked at my healed hands and then lower.
At my pregnant stomach. And at the pool of blood between my legs soaking my feet.
The baby's cry grew louder, I looked up again and saw them, two dark figures in Jedi robes, a newborn in the arms of one of them wriggling and crying at the top of his lungs, the head full of smooth black hair.
My beautiful baby. I could feel it, I knew it was him, that he was mine.
I reached out a hand towards them, but I couldn't move, and so I screamed, but nothing came out of my mouth and as the doors closed in front of my eyes leaving me in the dark, the sound of the walls collapsing around me was the last thing I heard before waking up.
When I opened my eyes, I hissed in panic, touching my stomach to make sure I was fine, checking if I was losing blood, but nothing seemed out of place except for the frantic rhythm of my heart. One morning, Yord was sleeping in the bed next to mine and saw everything. It took him half an hour to reassure me that I was fine. I sobbed in his arms and let him hold me without protest while he whispered comforting words in my ear.
Yord would never hurt me. He would never take my son away from me.
It's just that... I couldn't stop thinking about those two figures. And if it wasn't just a nightmare? If it was a vision? A warning?
"Hey? Are you listening to me?" I woke up from the trance I had entered and looked at him, our faces almost touching. Probably while I was lost in my thoughts, he had wrapped an arm around my waist, pressing me gently to his side, the warmth of his body numbing my colder one. "You're still thinking about those nightmares, aren't you? Sabrina... please, you have to let it go. I promised you, you'll be fine. I won't let anyone hurt you, okay?" He was so close I could feel his breath on my skin. "I know. I'm just tired" I tried to reassure him with an unconvincing smile.
He looked at me in silence for a few seconds, his eyes lowering to my lips for a moment, and I couldn't help but blush, but the matter dropped there.
We returned to enjoying the silence without adding anything else. His arm still around my waist, and his hand slowly caressing my side, sometimes I could feel small kicks or movements of the baby that made me smile.
In the end, I had the courage to rest my head on his shoulder.
At dinner, we ate hot soup. That evening, Yord was supposed to leave, so I was a bit sad, but I avoided making it obvious, not wanting to make the atmosphere heavy.
We had checked the marked areas several times, counting the pros and cons of each place. Officially, Qimir was still on the loose and well hidden, but we knew he would avoid too urban areas for safety. There was no official warrant for his arrest as the whole story continued to be kept secret, but it was not convenient for him to walk among so many hypothetical cameras.
To be honest, Yord wasn't happy that I was going to the city either, but it was objectively the best choice. I knew there was something unsaid that he kept to himself. Even the pendrive he had given me was a huge question mark in the room, but I liked to continue living in the lie that everything was fine, at least for a little while longer.
"Isn't there really anyone you can go to?" he sighed, reading for the umpteenth time the crime rate of some inhabited areas on the holopad.
I sighed amusedly while tying my hair into a bun on top of my head. "I told you, a job like mine doesn't easily lead to making friends. Trust me."
He sighed again.
"I get it. But before? Childhood friends, distant relatives..." We had already lightly touched on the subject a couple of times, more about my family and hypothetical cousins or uncles who could host me. I had used a pretty banal excuse to dodge the subject. The classic teenager running away from oppressive parents. It was a fairly common tale. During the years I actually worked as a smuggler, I had met some friendly faces with whom to share a drink now and then. Many were teenagers looking for adventures or small criminals tired of being scolded by their parents.
"No one who would recognize me."
I couldn't help but think back to my nightmare. Or at least, the first part, when I was in the hospital bed. I was sure it was a memory, I didn't clearly have it in my head every day, more like scattered fragments. One thing I remembered well was the get-well-soon cards next to my bed, the balloons, the flowers.
The visits from my master. But my friends... I didn’t remember well.
I believe that the people I had bonded with during the years of training together were no longer on Coruscant when I ended up in the hospital.
Maybe they sent me some messages... I didn't... have clear memories of that period.
Yord noticed my change in mood and quickly changed the subject.
"Let's drop it. I actually had an idea" he moved the various trinkets and dirty dishes on the floor and then sat closer to me.
"I was thinking. Before you take your last complete break and then be occupied with the baby, maybe we could go to a fair together" I looked at him confused, raising an eyebrow.
"A... what are you saying? It's dangerous—" but he interrupted me, "I've already checked everything. It's a small fair held inside a luna park, it's not a very big city, I saw pictures from previous years, and it's calm. I'll be by your side the whole time, and you can eat one of those disgusting caramel treats you like so much—" I hit him on the arm, offended "Those sweets are delicious, you don't understand anything"
He clutched his arm dramatically, emitting a soap opera-worthy groan of pain, and collapsed onto the bed next to me. In response, I slapped him on the back while trying to suppress a smile.
"Mercy, mercy, I apologize, my lady" he turned to me and sighed, relaxed.
"Anyway. I checked everything. And Sam helped me, for the record, if you really don't trust me" he propped himself up on an elbow, pointing his thumb at my droid, who whistled an insult in response.
"Yes, you're very funny, we know" Yord replied, rolling his eyes.
He turned to me again and took my hand in his, a gesture that by now felt natural to us.
"I promise it will be fun. And if you feel tired or don't like it, I'll bring you back here immediately."
I stayed silent for a few moments before sighing deeply, rubbing one eye with a hand. "And when would it be?"
The smile he gave me squeezed my heart like a vise, warmer than the suns of Tatooine.
"Well. If we leave in three days, I was thinking the evening before. We pack everything onto the ship, I take you there in the evening, and we'll be back by early morning or just before. You can sleep while we're traveling to your new home"
I played absentmindedly with the fingers of his hand. I was obsessed with the difference in the length of our fingers, but in general, he surpassed me in everything, just think about how tall he was.
"We still haven't called to inquire about the apartment" I murmured, not convinced of his plan, but he shrugged "I can use my Jedi authority to speed up the paperwork."
I chuckled. "That's not very Jedi-like" but his only response was another laugh.
The days passed peacefully until the fateful evening.
We had packed everything according to plan, leaving only the bed and blankets for safety. All the devices to disassemble would take us little time the next morning, especially with Yord's Force powers to quickly transport them back onto the ship.
Shortly before leaving, I went back to the control room to retrieve my datapad, which I had left charging inside. I grabbed it just in time to notice the red message light.
I froze for a moment.
It had to be Qimir, no one else had this frequency.
I stared at the red light, my hands itching.
He hadn't contacted me for a month since the last time, and now he was sending me a message again?
I thought about it over and over again. Then I took courage and turned everything off.
I was about to go have fun, I didn't want his words to torment my evening. I was trying to move on, and I would do it.
I got off the ship, ready to leave. I was wearing one of the long dresses specific for my now eight-month pregnancy, with soft sleeves and a long skirt that fell warm and comfortably over my stomach, a long heavy coat over my shoulders while holding a lighter one in my hand for when we arrived. I felt pretty, even with the ever-present ballet flats on my feet, which were mandatory given the weight I now constantly carried.
Sam whistled a greeting and wished me a good evening, slipped a few tissues into the small bag I had slung over my shoulder, and retreated into the house, ready to continue the series he now watched every day. We had practically left the holonet on just for him to pass the evening.
I got on Yord's ship in time to see him coming out of the bedroom. He had decided to avoid Jedi robes to attract less attention and lower the chances of being recognized. He was wearing a loose yellow striped shirt and soft dark brown pants, almost looking like a thug, and it made me laugh.
"What? I look good, don't I? Really, no one will suspect anything like this" the amusement in his voice didn't escape me.
"Of that, I have no doubt." He approached me and leaned down to give me a light kiss on the cheek. "You look beautiful by the way"
I blushed from head to toe if that was possible. "I look as wide as a Bantha" I murmured, looking at my feet, or at least trying to, given the belly in between, but Yord placed a hand on my cheek and made me look into his eyes. "A beautiful Bantha" he whispered, a playful glint in his eyes.
I made an irritated expression and hit him on the chest with a hand before stepping back a couple of steps. "Let's go before I change my mind" and fled to the pilot's seat, my heart still pounding in my chest.
We arrived in the city in a few hours since the planet wasn't far away, parking in a designated space right next to the luna park. I didn't know the place or the fair itself, but I had read it was a recurring event, so everything was well organized.
I got off, arm in arm with Yord along the busy street. I hadn't realized how much I missed civilization until that moment. After all, how long had I been on that moon now, almost two months? And only one with Yord's visits.
I still preferred the snow, but the city lights had always been my home, they were familiar.
The luna park was full of attractions, stalls with droids selling various kinds of food, and shows of all kinds.
No matter where you turned, something always caught your attention. I felt like a kid, wanting to get closer to everything I saw. Yord himself pointed out the nicest places, being taller than the average crowd, he could easily guide me along the best path to reach the attractions.
For obvious reasons, I skipped all the more thrilling rides, not that it was a big loss for me since I never liked them. But we played a lot of arcade games and prize booths.
Yord also participated in the classic shooting gallery because he absolutely wanted me to get another stuffed animal from the ones on display for the winners. Technically, given his Jedi reflexes and training, we were... cheating? But neither of us worried too much, and even the alien at the booth quickly realized it was pointless to keep letting him play since he never missed a shot, simply letting me choose the stuffed animal I preferred.
We played simpler games like ping pong or basketball, and I couldn't help but notice that I wasn't doing too badly either, though I didn't know if it was just muscle memory and training or if some Force instinct was still dormant there.
All I know is that I was happy.
I couldn't stop smiling, and Yord next to me never let go of my hand, showing a completely relaxed expression after weeks.
In the end, my feet began to beg for mercy, and I had to sit at some tables while Yord ordered some sweet treats from a stall. I enjoyed the light breeze as I sprawled on the chair, one hand gently caressing my belly. Even he in there kept lightly kicking. I liked to think he was enjoying the fair with us, even if he couldn't see it.
Yord was convinced he would be Force-sensitive, given his father's nature, and that's why he got agitated in specific situations. He could sense my change in mood and act accordingly.
I didn't know if that made sense, but it was a cute thought. I naively hoped it was true.
Yord joined me at the table with two plates in hand, having brought me a warm waffle covered in chocolate and caramel, not exactly suitable for my diet, but it was the first indulgence I made, and I doubted it would hurt.
We sat at the outermost spot to get away from the noise of the fair and enjoy the meal. We didn't say anything except for compliments on the sweets. Occasionally, I could see Yord sneaking quick glances at me and blushing, but I refrained from commenting. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt so good.
Or maybe, there really had never been a moment like this.
And it wasn't the place.
Or the situation after all those months of ups and downs.
It was him.
The way he looked at me, talked to me, touched me... I... adored him. I... I...
Loved him.
A solitary tear fell from my eye, but I wiped it away before he could notice.
I was finally understanding what that burning feeling in my chest or the prickling in my eyes meant—it was love.
Not passion, attachment, or possession.
Love.
And it was so beautiful it hurt, like being sucked into a black hole.
I kept my thoughts to myself, we got up and decided to take one last tour of the things we had missed before leaving and ending the evening.
We walked towards some stalls, hand in hand, fingers intertwined, when we stopped in front of one with colorful bracelets and necklaces.
I stopped to look at them all carefully until I saw one that caught my attention.
It was a pendant with a thin chain and a simple blood-red drop hanging from it.
I pointed it out to the owner, who handed it to me for a closer look. "Excellent choice, this was made with a very rare precious stone, they even say it has the same origin as the crystals used in Jedi lightsabers" she told us with a proud air.
I couldn’t help but cast an amused glance at Yord, who responded with a half-smile.
I doubted it was as precious as the elderly lady claimed, given how little she charged us, but it didn’t matter, I liked it.
She wrapped it in a small paper package, but Yord immediately took it out. "Move your hair" he said, positioning himself behind me, so I took my hair to the side and lifted it to let him put the chain around my neck. Once done, I turned to him. "How does it look?" I asked, hands around my stomach.
He gave me yet another of his many smiles that evening before responding in a murmur "Beautiful."
I opened my mouth to reply, but the shop lady, who had been watching the scene, cleared her throat, drawing our attention. "I hope I’m not being intrusive, but I wanted to tell you that you really seem like an adorable couple. Your child is very lucky."
I was stunned by her words. Of course, from an outsider’s perspective, we looked like a happy family, but I hadn’t really thought about it until that moment. Yord next to me gave a small nod, a clear blush spreading across his face. "Thank you, that’s very kind" and with that, he took my hand again to quickly lead me away (as fast as my waddling gait allowed).
We remained silent as we walked towards the exit, the woman’s words replaying in my head. I watched Yord’s back in silence, biting my lip.
That comment had awakened me from the veneer of lies I had wrapped us in.
We weren’t a couple.
He wasn’t my child’s father.
I wasn’t just a mother on the run.
Nor was he just any man.
It was all a farce.
And I was at the top of the pyramid of lies we had accumulated.
~~~~◇~~~~
"Are you okay?" We stopped at the exit of the fair, and I almost crashed into his back, the chaos of the crowd now a background hum and the colored lights of the attractions barely reaching us, intermittently illuminating parts of our bodies.
"If it’s about what the lady said, I’m sorry if I didn’t correct her—" he began nervously running a hand through his hair, but I interrupted him. "No, it’s my fault, you must have felt uncomfortable, forced to pretend to be a civilian for me..." I looked around nervously, feeling the sting of tears in my eyes but wanting to keep my composure.
"What are you talking about? Sabrina. I... wanted this. I don’t regret anything I’ve done so far." I don’t know with what courage I turned to look him directly in the eyes.
A determined but gentle expression on his features, hands clenched into fists at his sides as if restraining himself from moving.
But bile was rising in my throat.
All the lies told were at the tip of my tongue, making my breath short, like I had run a marathon.
I couldn’t take it anymore.
"Don’t you understand?!" I snapped loudly. "I’m deceiving you!"
Fortunately it was so late that no one seemed to be passing by that part of the road, and the noise nearby covered the sound of our voices from prying ears, yet I heard nothing but the two of us.
My heart pounded in my ears as hot tears fell inexorably from my eyes.
I waited with trembling hands for Yord’s reaction, but he seemed impassive.
"If you mean things about your past, I already figured you hadn’t told me everything or had hidden some truths" his calm tone drove me crazy.
How could he react like that?
Didn’t he believe me?
Had I deceived him so much that he thought I was too naive to really hide something?
"You’re not listening to me. All this is false! I, us, everything I’ve told you—" I had to press my hands to my mouth as a sob shook my limbs, my eyes closed, and tears slipping over my hands and the sleeves of my dress. "How can you answer me like that?!" I stammered, taking a trembling step back, trying to take another, but Yord’s hands gently held my arms.
A quick memory took me back to months before when Qimir had grabbed me in the same spot, leaving marks for weeks.
Yet in the same grip now, there was only gentleness.
"I love you" Yord said firmly, taking me by surprise.
I looked at him, shocked as he continued, "You may as well take my heart, Sabrina, it's already full of you"
I bit my lip hard as my body shook with another sob. "Please go-" I whispered, trying to move away, but his fingers only held me more firmly, never digging into my flesh.
"What is it? What’s wrong, my dear?" He asked with a hurt look. I had to wipe my nose with my sleeve to be able to say the next words. "You know nothing about me. You’ve known me only three weeks" I cried, but he didn’t seem discouraged.
"Three weeks? Sabrina, I’ve known you all my life" A bitter laugh escaped me. "All your life" I repeated breathlessly.
But Yord seemed more convinced with every word.
"It’s true, I’ve seen you in a thousand plays, read you in as many books. When I’ve heard beautiful music, I’ve thought she’d like that. I look at flowers knowing that one day I’ll give them to you." Our faces were close, even though I struggled to see beyond my nose with my eyes full of tears.
"Stop, stop, if only you knew what I really am—"
"I’d still love you." he interrupted with a whisper before completely leaning into me, his lips pressing gently against mine wet with salty tears.
I trembled like a leaf against him as one arm wrapped around my waist and pressed me gently in his hold, my belly against his abs, while the other hand left my arm to rest on my cheek and deepen the kiss.
A rational part of me still wanted to rebel against this, to flee in shame for what I had become, but my legs had turned to jelly, and the taste of his lips was intoxicating.
Instinctively, I ran my hands through his hair, pushing him even closer to me, his thumb wiping away some of my still falling tears, our mouths moving in unison in what felt like a familiar dance.
In the end, I had to pull away to catch my breath, our faces still close together as we panted heavily.
"Let’s go home, okay?" He whispered hoarsely against my lips, and I could only nod as I tried to steady my breathing.
He stepped away from me and bent to pick up the bag with the stuffed animal I hadn’t even noticed he had dropped, then gently offered me his hand.
I grasped it with trembling fingers.
As we walked towards the ship, I quickened my pace to stay next to him, leaving his grasp to wrap my arms around his waist, my cheek resting on his chest.
"I love you too, Yord" I finally said with a trembling voice. He gave me a kiss on the head, and we continued on our way home.