Chapter Text
June 3rd
The early-morning sunlight streams in through the small kitchen window. The house is silent as I sit at the table, enjoying my cup of coffee. I've come to discover that-while never out of his room before I'm up-my cousin often seems to be awake before I am. So I'm not worried at the moment-and I take another slow, languid sip of coffee from where I sit at the small kitchen table. A passive thought crosses my mind that I should probably search for a slightly larger one.
It's been nearly three months, now...
I ponder this for a moment, while sitting in the silence.
This quiet cohabitation with my cousin no longer leaves me feeling unsettled like it once did. Now that I've grown accustom to living with Dazai and his reserved presence, a certain tranquil peace has pleasantly settle back into my morning routine.
I find that I don't worrying about him as much as I used to.
I still don't know if anything I say really reaches him from where he's at, alone in his mind. But I notice how he seeks me out for interaction more frequently than he used to, when he first came to live here with me. And it feels easier to make conversation with him.
It's not perfect.
Nowhere near so.
But-
It's something.
And-given the hand we've been dealt-I suppose it's at least a place to begin our new life together.
I glance up from my thoughts in order to look up at the kitchen clock. Strange. Dazai is usually out here by now-ready to reluctantly leave for school with either myself, or on his own. It's almost time for the both of us to be out the door, and on our separate ways. The fact that I know he's awake, but haven't seen him yet, is-unusual.
Finishing off my cup of coffee, I set down my cup with the audible sigh that pushes through my nose. I don't want to have to badger him. And I really don't want to intrude on his privacy. But I also don't want him to fall into the habit of truancy and absenteeism. Or worse-for him to think I actually condone such delinquent behavior.
“...right, then...”
Easing myself up from the kitchen table, I go about in retrieving my cousin.
I make my way down the narrow hallway of the small-single bedroom-apartment I share with my cousin. As I pass by his bedroom I find the door open. Though the light is off, there's enough natural sunlight coming from the window to tell that this room is empty. Moving on, I quickly make my way to the next door down the hallway. The bathroom.
The door to this room is open as well. Yet, unlike the bedroom, this room is occupied.
I pause just outside the threshold of the bathroom for a moment. Just-watching. In silence. My cousin stands at the bathroom sink, staring into the mirror. And there's a certain sadness in this image, as I watch him scrutinize his reflection. It's almost as if he's trying to figure out exactly who the other person in the mirror really is.
That...
And today is the first day since his doctor's appointment that I've seen him without the bandages over the right side of his face-even though the doctor had told him that they were no longer necessary to wear before we'd left the appointment.
I'm happy that he's no longer wearing them as a buffer.
But-
Dazai, however, seems to be at odds with the decision as he continues to pick himself apart in the bathroom mirror.
“...Dazai..?” I quietly call to him, gaining his attention from where I stand in the doorway of the bathroom.
His brows pinch together in question as he gazes at me through the mirror with those inquisitive, large brown eyes. But he doesn't actually say anything, which leaves me feeling the need to fill this silence.
“It's almost time to go.”
Dazai breaks eye-contact with me. He frowns slightly as his gaze flits back to his reflection in the mirror. A hand goes up as he runs long, slender fingers through the thick mop of almost-black hair. It's then-with the sleeves of his school uniform rolled up-that I notice he's still wearing the bandages wrapped around his forearms. I look a little closer. His neck, too..? At this, a frown forms along my lips that matches his own.
“You know-” I hesitate a moment as I process how to say what I want before putting my thoughts into words. “the doctor said that you don't need to wear those anymore.” I give a subtle nod to his bandages as Dazai lets out a small, deflating huff in response.
“...I know...”
At first I fear that this is the end of the conversation. But then, I'm suddenly taken by surprise when he continues to talk to me in that same quiet, dower tone.
“I tried-” Dazai mumbles almost to himself as he avoids looking at me. “you know. Going without them.” He says, then gives a little shrug. “But my shirt felt weird on my skin. And it started to bother me.” A swell of pity floods my heart, and I give a slight nod of understanding.
So that's what he was taking his time with this morning...
Sadly, it hadn't occurred to me that he would feel physically uncomfortable going without them, but I suppose that it makes sense. I'm not exactly sure what to say in this instance. But I know I'm not going to tell him to take them off. Not if going without them makes things harder for him.
...things are already hard enough as it is...
So why add to them unnecessarily?
“If you want, I can take you to school today.” I offer this in hopes of easing some of this elusive tension he's obviously feeling.
I'm not entirely sure how to support Dazai in what he's going through. But I'm resolute in standing by his side, no matter what. My cousin doesn't say anything, but looks down to the sink for a moment before offering me a slight nod of the head in acceptance of my offer to take him to school. I nod as well, and turn to go get myself ready to leave the house for the day. Yet, just before leaving, I hear my cousin call to me from the bathroom.
“...Odasaku..?” I turn my head to see Dazai gazing at me intently through the mirror.
“Yes?” I go back to the bathroom, coming to face him with a questioning look in my eyes.
“What if-” Dazai hesitates, then begins again. “what if the people at my school start asking me questions, you know..? About-” He trails off, and I feel my brows knit together at this when he doesn't continue.
“About what happened to you?” I supply this elaboration of what he was about to say, and watch as his head hangs a little with a faint nod.
The crease of my brow deepens at this as I come to realize that Dazai hasn't ever actually talked about what's happened to him. About the accident. About almost dying. About the loss of his mother. Nothing. And I'd always thought it was simply because he knew that I already knew, and didn't feel the need to talk to me about it.
He hasn't said a word to me.
And-
I've never pressed the issue.
And now, as I look at him, I'm wondering if that was the right thing to do.
“Is that why you wanted to continue to wear the bandages over your eye last week, even after the appointment? Because you didn't want them asking questions?” I lightly ask, and watch as my cousin gives another little bob of the head, looking as if he's ashamed of this.
“I don't know what to tell them.” He mumbles.
“You can tell them whatever you'd like, Dazai.” I say with a little shrug of my shoulders, and Dazai looks at me with the crinkle of his brow in question.
“You mean, I could lie?” He asks me and, again, I shrug.
“It's up to you.”
A thought crosses my mind that it's probably not the best idea to suggest that he be dishonest. But I know it's not my place to tell him how to divulge such information about himself. Or that he even should. Dazai seems to ponder my answer for a moment, looking down with a pensive expression, before finally turning away from the bathroom mirror to face me.
“What if they find out I'm lying?” He asks me with an air of vulnerability in his voice. “Don't you think they'll be mad?”
I take this into consideration for a moment. It seems that there's at least some part of him that cares what others think of him. And it hits me just how young and impressionable he really is. I'm not entirely sure what's best to tell him, so I find myself settling on simply telling him the truth.
“I don't think they'll know any different.”
Dazai looks away from me with the purse of his lips and crease of his brows.
“Oh...” He quietly mumbles to himself. “Right.” It seems to only just occur to him that these people at his new school don't know him well enough yet in order to distinguish truth from lies.
That he can tell them quite literally anything he wants about himself, and they wont have any ground to dispute him over it. How can they? When they don't know anything about him, yet.
“Listen, Dazai-” I draw his attention as he glances back up at me with furrowed brows. “you're not obligated to tell them anything you don't want to tell them.” I say in a tone that's just a bit more firm in its determination. “You don't owe them anything.”
A wave of relief seems to visibly wash over him as I watch Dazai's shoulders relax with an exhaled sigh.
“Right.” Dazai replies with an averted gaze, though this time I see the small flicker of a little smile curve the corners of his lips.
He seems content with this answer of mine. And for my part, I'm happy to have helped relieve some of his anxiety over having to navigate such a sensitive topic. As he finally makes his way out of the bathroom, and we both head towards the entrance to put our shoes on and leave the apartment, I notice a new air of confidence about him. I know that I can't walk this road for him, but-at the very least-I can make sure to be there for him when he's ready to reach out to me like this.
And,
I suppose-
that's at least a place to start in moving forward in this new normal.