Chapter Text
Tambry doesn’t acknowledge the cemetery dotted with the gravestones memorializing Gravity Falls’s dead, even when she walks past the section dedicated to those who died during Weirdmaggedon. Why would she? She’s probably come here nearly every day since she and Robbie started dating, and might have even helped process the bodies and assist with the burials.
Dipper doesn’t know why he thinks that, but it feels right. Tambry had been changed by the end of the world, just like everyone else (even Dipper, if he’s being honest), but Dipper hadn’t been prepared for how… grown up she seems now. Sure, she’d started to open up after she fell in love, but she’d still been a phone addict and a teenager of few words punctuated with heavy eye liner and a flip of pink hair. Dipper knew she was older than him, just like the rest of the group, but she hadn’t felt older. She had just been… well, Tambry.
Now, she’s got a stable relationship, a job at the local grocery store, and a sharp eye for people that Dipper can honestly say he’s envious of and she’s looking at colleges and Dipper’s not freaked out so much by that, since he’s been looking forward to college since he learned of it, but he is freaked out by how Tambry already seems like she’s got it all figured out. Dipper hasn’t asked what she’s looking to major in, but he knows she’s going to kick ass at whatever she tries.
The Valentino house, a strange color that could only be described as “the cross between a honeybee and a daisy” with pale blue trim and flowers that are practically claiming every inch of available space, has had its windows boarded up, though they rolled out a new welcome mat on the porch. Dipper wonders if the mat counts as an invitation of vampires, then wonders if asking Robbie would be a welcome question or if it would be welcoming a violent end to the tenuous truce. In moments like this, Dipper understands why Ford agreed to a deal with Bill, ill-advised as it was.
The human brain is wired with the desire to learn and to know. The human body will fade long before its brain will ever be satisfied. The human heart will be broken or will regret breaking that of others in the brain’s pursuit of trying anyway.
Mr. Valentino is trimming the ivy that crawls up the far wall, though Dipper is surprised to see that he isn’t removing it entirely, like the HOA back in California would have demanded. He waves at Dipper with a large smile on his face. Dipper waves back, wondering if the strangest thing about Gravity Falls is that this family works with the dead, or that they produced someone as temperamental as Robbie.
Tambry calls Dipper’s name, drawing his attention back to her as she pulls open the apparently-unlocked screen door. He hums in acknowledgement, prompting Tambry to tell him, “It’s a no-shoe house but they have a dog so you might want to leave your shoes in a closet where they’re safe.”
Dipper appreciates the warning and takes off his shoes. As they shut the closet door and the golden retriever (the tag reads Ginger, which is how Dipper knows immediately that Robbie didn’t name her) sniffs Dipper from head to toe in greeting, Tambry calls out, “Robbie, I’m here! I brought Dipper with me!”
Dipper takes the opportunity to really look around the place and is surprised to see that, while the sunlight has been blocked from entering the home, it doesn’t stop the place from looking bright. Floral wallpapers and plush couches and cross-stitched artwork weren’t exactly what Dipper was expecting.
As though to contradict Dipper’s first impression, a dramatic and rather familiar organ motif shakes through the house. While Dipper and Ginger both are startled by the sound, Tambry just smiles. She tells Dipper, “If you can believe it, they actually did that before Robbie became a vampire. Apparently it’s a tradition in the family? You must learn to play the organ, and you must play it.”
“Who’s playing, though?” Dipper asks, “I thought Mr. Valentino was outside, and Mrs. Valentino’s car was gone.”
Tambry says, “The milkshake made Mr. Valentino duplicate. Or split in two? We’re not really sure. One Mr. Valentino is like creepily nice and the other is charmingly rude. Maybe it’s a weird Jekyll and Hyde thing.”
“But Mr. Hyde didn’t exist,” Dipper says, “Dr. Jekyll was just pretending so he could do evil things.”
“Sure,” she says, “but does the milkshake care about that? Robbie can’t turn into a bat, doesn’t compulsively count things, and placing a rose on his coffin doesn’t stop him from rising from it.”
“Wait, he sleeps in a coffin?” Dipper asks.
Tambry says, “Duh. The family discount was too good to pass up.” She grabs Dipper by the arm and leads him toward Robbie’s room, where the vampire has retreated into his indifferent act with a flip of his bangs (he and Tambry really are perfect for each other, even if it took a love potion to nudge them in the right direction). He is, surprisingly, sitting on the closed lid of a coffin. Dipper had been half-convinced that was a joke.
He pulls one hand out of his sweatshirt’s pocket to gesture at Dipper, “Why’d you bring the twerp?”
Dipper honestly isn’t sure why Tambry thought this would be a good idea either. Every interaction with Robbie has either been outright antagonistic or a brief moment of peace brought on by both of them having bigger problems to worry about.
Tambry seems to have no problem explaining herself however, and probably expected that she’d have to. “You’ll go crazy without someone to talk to, Robbie—someone other than me.” She adds the last part when Robbie starts to say he does have someone to talk to. This shuts Robbie up. She continues, “And Dipper’s not a twerp. He’s a good kid and he agreed to be here for you. I’m going to go get something for us humans to snack on while you two talk things out.” She gets up then, abandoning Dipper to the terrible fate of having to get along with Robbie.
Robbie doesn’t seem too thrilled when his girlfriend leaves either, looking at Dipper like one looks at leaves in their raingutter. Still, Robbie does try to make conversation, “So, you really are human? I mean, you look like one, but so does your sister and Stan, so I know that doesn’t mean much these days.”
“Yeah,” Dipper says.
Robbie rolls his eyes, “Really? ‘Yeah?’ That’s all you’ve got?”
“Well, what am I supposed to say? Yes, I’m human.”
Robbie says, “Just didn’t think that you’d fake drinking the shake on TV. Doesn’t seem like your style.”
“I didn’t fake it,” Dipper says, “I’m just immune.”
Robbie looks almost like an odd reflection of his dog when his ears metaphorically perk like that, “Does that mean you’ve figured out—”
“Not yet,” Dipper says, not wanting Robbie to get his hopes up, “So far, I only have samples from me, Ford, and Pacifica. Mabel’s supposed to let me take some tonight, but Stan’s DNA was on too many crime scenes so he won’t let me submit his, even though I already submitted his identical twin’s DNA but I guess he didn’t think about that.”
Robbie looks a little hesitant, but he does ask, “What… kind of samples are these?”
“A little bit of everything,” Dipper admits, “but nothing invasive. Why?”
“Because if you end up finding this cure, I want it,” Robbie says with such bite that Dipper almost checks to see if Robbie’s fangs are aiming for his neck, but Dipper holds himself back. He’s fought worse than Robbie off, and he doesn’t think Robbie would ever really hurt him.
Dipper knew that Tambry said Robbie didn’t like being a vampire, but the intensity of the statement leaves Dipper confused. “Is being a vampire really that bad? I can’t imagine you going to many places people wouldn’t willingly invite you in, and you never really did like the sun.”
“It’s not… look, maybe a year ago I would have been thrilled by this, but I’ve got stuff I care about now. I don’t want to—” He pauses, clearly considering how much to share, “You saw Tambry’s neck, right? She helps make sure I don’t starve to death, and my parents make sure to take care of all of my errands that can’t be done in the middle of the night, like picking up a package at the post office because I couldn’t answer the door when the delivery came and they wouldn’t leave it without a signature. I can’t go to the college I wanted to because they only offer classes during the day, which means Tambry has to go to whatever college I go to because she knows I won’t ask a stranger to let me bite them so Tambry’s going to end up taking night classes with me which limits the opportunities she has for finding a job and makes it significantly harder for her to see and do what she wants to and I haven’t even asked her to do that but Tambry won’t listen to me when I tell her I don’t want that for her.”
“Woah.” Dipper says, not sure how else to respond.
Robbie says, “One way or another, vampires drain the life out of people. If giving you a few samples can lead to a cure, sign me up.”
Dipper says, “Do you even have blood? Or spit? You obviously have hair and skin, but—”
Tambry returns with some sliced fruit and an explanation of, “Your mom walked in the door while I was grabbing chips from the pantry. She thinks Dipper and I need more vitamin C, so of course I grabbed some fruit but she insisted on slicing it for us. I love her, Robbie, but she does realize we aren’t like, twelve, right?”
“Speak for yourself,” Dipper jokes, taking some of the fruit and popping it in his mouth.
Tambry snorts, “Thirteen. You’re technically a teen.” Hearing his own words parroted back at him, Dipper feels embarrassed. Had he really been so annoying last time he came to Gravity Falls? No wonder Wendy thought of him as a little kid.
Robbie looks at the fruit, “Like you won’t be the same if we ever have kids.”
“That if is doing a lot of heavy lifting there, Robbie,” Tambry laughs, “I didn’t even think you liked kids.”
“I don’t,” Robbie says, “but I’ve changed my mind before, so I’m not ruling it out.”
Tambry shrugs, “Fair enough.” She looks at Dipper, “Did you two get along while I was gone?”
“Yeah,” Dipper says, “Surprisingly.”
She smiles smugly, “What did I say?”
“Yeah, yeah, you were right,” Robbie says, “As usual. Hurry up and eat all of that before I get jealous.”
As Tambry and Dipper clear the plate, she says, “Oh, your sister texted by the way, Dipper. Apparently Pacifica’s moved in? And you’re having a welcome party? She says it’ll be us, your family, Soos, and Wendy.”
No Candy or Grenda? That’s surprising to Dipper, especially with Mabel trying to keep up with her ‘secret wife’ duties. Dipper says, “Do not let me raise any dead, alright? One undead person is enough for a house party.”
“I heard about that,” Tambry says, “Mabel was so mad at you.”
“When did Pacifica move in with you?” Robbie asks, “Why did she move in with you?”
Dipper feels a weird defensiveness at the questioning. He says, “We’re friends and she needed a place to stay. That’s all.”
Robbie shrugs, “Yeah, alright. Just didn’t think she’d rough it with ‘the poors’ or whatever.”
“Hey, she’s not like that… anymore.” Dipper says.
Tambry says, “She put in an application at the diner.” Dipper hadn’t known that. “The owner didn’t feel comfortable hiring someone so young, but she’ll be keeping Pacifica in mind when she’s old enough.”
“A Northwest?” Robbie says, looking surprised, “I didn’t think they had normal jobs.”
“Pacifica will,” Dipper says, “She’s a lot more normal than people think. And a lot nicer.”
Robbie says, “Alright, alright, point taken. Did Mabel give a time?”
Tambry says, “After sundown,” knowing what he was really asking, “and she said you specifically were invited, so you don’t need to worry about that. Will you need to eat before we go? You haven’t really been in a crowded place since—”
“I’ll be okay,” Robbie says, “but I’ll say something if I’m not.”
Dipper really hopes Mabel won’t have undead attacks at two different parties.