Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Are you seeing what I’m seeing?”

Lovino had not noticed him approaching. That grating, arrogant and all too familiar voice woke him out of bitter contemplation, only to stir up an aggravation dedicated solely to Gilbert Beilschmidt and all things associated with the man. He did not turn around, deciding it was not worth the trouble, and instead let his gaze linger on the two silhouettes across the room. It seemed like nothing could keep them apart, not even their glaring discrepancies; where one faltered the other would make up for it without as much as a moment’s hesitation, always regaining a perfectly flowing momentum. What bound them together hinted in brief, shared glances, a seemingly innocuous touch and a lightheart atmosphere that seemed to belong to them. 

Lovino felt all but ill watching it unfold. “I see my fool of a brother being all lovey dovey with yours.” He sourly observed. “Cute, aren’t they?” 

“True love is a sweet sight to behold.”

“I can almost feel my teeth rotting.” 

Gilbert leaned against the wall, glancing around the room as if to ensure no one else was listening. Not that there was any need for it; as usual the two of them had been forgotten, their respective roles diminished in the grand scheme of things. “Indeed.” He said. “I never did grow fond of dainty pastries or desserts. What Roderich has arranged looks splendid, but it leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, don’t you agree?”

Lovino stared at his mostly untouched plate. “Did you walk all the way over here just to complain about the dishes?”

“Maybe I did. So what? Would you ever refuse an opportunity to express your discontent? Indulge me, and I may let you in on some schemes. What tastes better than a conspiracy?”

“Ever the inflated poet.” But even so Lovino had to admit he was, against better judgment, growing curious. “Are we still discussing our dear brothers?”

A glint of amusement appeared in his eyes. Their unnatural, red hue and intense glare made it resemble malice. “Courtesy demands that guests don’t complain, no matter what they think of the meal set before them. Have we ever been courteous people?”

“I might not enjoy playing the part, but I do it as well as anyone else. You, on the other hand…”

“Hate to be the one to break it to you, but basic courtesies don’t fool anyone. You hate the lot you’ve been given, anyone can see that.”

Lovino had to admit it was true, albeit begrudgingly. Just how long had Gilbert been watching him? At the very least since the meeting, he figured, where he’d returned Lovino’s targeted scowl upon seeing him with a small grin before leaning back in his chair, pretending to pay attention to the debate. Somehow that arrogant dismissal only darkened his mood, though it was exactly what he had hoped to achieve. Gilbert only meant trouble. This was an irrefutable fact, proven countless times over to hold true. Every little thing he did preluded some brand new, masterly orchestrated disaster. 

What was he up to this time? He should steer clear of the site of impact for whatever was about to happen, he told himself.

“In any case, we seem to be in agreement.” Gilbert continued, casting Feliciano and Ludwig a hawk-like glance. “This spectacle is unsavory. Someone should speak up and stop this farce before it becomes overbearing. It’s all about balance, is it not? Nothing can be sweet forever. Eventually you begin to crave something bitter in its stead.”

“What the hell are you even talking about?” Lovino complained, restlessly stirring his cold coffee and watching the dark surface ripple. “If you’re about to go and make a scene then you better leave me the fuck out of it, got it? I’m not playing a part in this, whatever this is.” 

“Do you take me for an idiot? A scheme normally isn’t something you execute in a day. What I have in mind requires patience and an unshakable commitment to the cause.”

“No one’s joining your stupid Brotherhood-”

“This is not about the Brotherhood of Valor and Ancient History. I kind of wish it was, though.”

“Get to the damn point already. You’re beginning to piss me off.”

“And here I was hoping to be subtle…” Gilbert crossed his arms over his chest. “Fine, allow me to explain. It’s humiliating to watch this mess unfold, that much we agree on. Question is, how to effectively tackle this threat? I propose we join forces and bring this adorable fantasy to heel. Something must be done before it is too late, no doubt, but these are delicate matters. We would not want to deal with any collateral damage, no? This is a family matter, after all.”

It wasn’t like Lovino wanted Feliciano to be miserable, far from it. Even so he couldn’t help but to disapprove of this match. Who could take them seriously when they were acting like this, and so shamelessly to boot? People surely thought of them as fools. Looking around the room he saw the others caught up in casual conversation or enjoying the small banquet Roderich had arranged for as their host, smiling and sometimes sharing a laugh. Lovino had learned to mistrust laughter, however, and the sound created a heavy, uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. What was so funny? Was it his naive little brother who thought only the best of people? Were they looking down on him, too?

“...What do you suggest? Out with it already.” He was already regretting this.

Gilbert gave him a sly smile. “How about we demonstrate how ridiculous they look? A look in the mirror might persuade at least one of them to reconsider.”

“Since when did you become so damn cryptic?” But by then a suspicion was already creeping up on Lovino, as well as a flush tingling as it traveled up his neck. No. He wouldn’t be so mad as to suggest that. Anything but that.

“Ready to hear my genius plan of action? We simply get back at them by fighting fire with fire. Surely ours would burn brighter and hotter, wouldn’t you agree?”

It was as if Gilbert didn’t feel bothered by this whatsoever. He was mad, Lovino realized. “Absolutely not.” He made to stand up. “No way.”

Before he could get away, however, Gilbert stepped closer and urged him back down to his seat, almost in a panic. “Wait! I wasn’t finished! Will you just hear me out? I know how it sounds, so just-”

“Just what ?” He snapped. 

“It would all be for show. We wouldn’t actually be- well you know- what I’m trying to say is that we keep up appearances when necessary, nothing beyond that. What’s there to lose? We don’t like each other, so what is there to fear? When all this is done and dealt with we can go back to normal. Perhaps we’ll fake some uninteresting fallout and pretend to be heartbroken about it for a day or two. All we need to do is-”

“I know what you’re insinuating.” Lovino interrupted. “There’s no way I’ll ever-”

“Afraid you’ll catch feelings?”

“You’re delusional. Go to hell. Just go-”

“You are , aren’t you?” He grinned. Lovino had never wanted to punch him in the face as much as he did then. “Maybe you and Feliciano both have the same soft hearts. How adorable.”

“I’m nothing like him.”

“Then prove it.”

Their dispute had drawn some attention by then. Some people had turned to see what all the ruckus was about, speaking in hushed voices and watching them closely. Lovino did not need to see his own face to know how bright red it must be, and it was only getting worse by the minute. His heart was pounding so hard he feared they could hear it.

Then prove it. How dare he? Fury rushing hotly through his veins, he abruptly rose. “Bring it on. I’m not afraid of anything, I’ll show you…”

Lovino did not grace Gilbert with an opportunity to reply, or to gloat. He strode toward the doors, doing his best to ignore the dozens of stares he felt fixed on his back. Halfway down the great hall, the severity of the commitment he made caught up with him. Stupid, so stupid. What a fool he’s made of me. How could I let him get under my skin? Now what do I do? All this and more he thought, leaning against a pillar and fighting down something akin to nausea. 

There was nothing to be done. Lovino had agreed to play the part. 

-

As days drifted by he allowed himself to believe that evening to be long forgotten, along with his promise. Surely Gilbert found himself occupied elsewhere as he often tended to do, inflicted by periodical fits of restlessness that could only be momentarily subdued by throwing oneself headfirst into something stupid, and preferably dangerous; someone like him would never make do with anything less. The conference came to an end, they all said their farewells and went home to pick up where they had left off, a ritual so habitual that it oftentimes felt strange when meetings were canceled or delayed. For all the senseless bickering a sense of unity still hinted by the end of their drawn out, disorderly negotiations. That was how he tried to interpret it.

Then one day his phone buzzed. Without understanding why Lovino froze, turning to where it lay on the kitchen counter with inexplicable annoyance...and apprehension. Somehow Lovino knew who it was. He has not forgotten about our deal. He never forgets anything. Why should this be any different? Maybe it had been a fool’s hope all along. It did not have to end like this, though. Lovino could leave the phone where it was, ignoring the message to then feign ignorance upon being questioned about it. Perhaps it never sent. Maybe the phone happened to be broken. Shit happens. He would forget about this nonsense and refuse to entertain delusions, simply carrying on as usual whilst being all the happier for it. 

Still he picked up the phone to unlock it,  hesitating only for a second or two before opening the message, curses slipping out between gritted teeth. It was Gilbert, he confirmed, seeing that the contact was named “ Do not answer ”. 

Partner in crime, I hereby summon you to conspire against our common foes. Best heed my summons or else. How about some coffee? I’d rather have beer, but I can’t have you whining in my ear about having terrible taste and ruining an otherwise perfect evening. 

Try as he might Lovino could not resist a sigh as he quickly formed a reply, fingers running over the keyboard. What are you, some liege lord? Get over yourself. I’m doing just fine without your shitty wheat water. And who the hell arranges a meeting without specifying the date, time and location? 

Clearly you’ve never tried the good stuff. Can we call it a date? I think it sounds more authentic that way.

It’s not .

Let’s not get stuck on technicalities here.

We’re not calling it that. Lovino insisted. He felt a distracting tingling at the back of his neck. 

Okay, fine. But you must be in attendance, lest you would prove yourself a false knight.

Whatever. Just tell me where and when.

Not too long after this exhausting exchange Gilbert sent him a suggestion. Lovino only felt his dismay grow. So I must travel to your place? 

You can stay where you are, but you shall never be a man of honor, nor an oathkeeper.

What stupid oaths did I ever make to you? 

You know what I mean. Are you going or what? 

He let out a second, heavier sigh. I’ll go if you pay for housing.

What if you stayed with me?

It caught him off guard to be asked that so bluntly. For a moment Lovino did not know how to answer him, hands frozen and hovering just above the screen’s keyboard. No. This is already humiliating enough. But could he turn the offer down without seeming afraid, as Gilbert had put it? It was more convenient, and it was free. Nothing ought to sway him. Even so, words felt dangerous. He eventually sent a simple ‘thumbs up’, then quickly put his phone back down and tried to get back to- What was it that he had been doing before all this took place? Lovino stood there dumbfounded, blinking at his surroundings. 

He really, really shouldn’t be doing this. 

-

Despite all his well founded misgivings he found himself packing a suitcase and getting on a train, staring unseeingly out the window at the landscape rolling by, wondering still whether it was too late to back out of this. But then what? Make the arduous journey just to immediately turn back and resign himself to hours of grating boredom, with the final destination of eternal monotony? Lovino felt his jaw tense. Perhaps Gilbert had seen it, then; he was sick of simply being for centuries on end, constantly waiting for something, anything to break the routine. This…in all fairness it was something out of the ordinary, but still…

In the blink of an eye his journey came to an end, slowly rolling to a stop at the grand central station. After a few minutes of lingering about Lovino received a reply and began to make his way to their designated meeting spot, dragging the suitcase behind him. I better get to put this miserable thing away soon. Even a social reject like Gilbert Beilschmidt would think of these things, surely. Where did he live anyway? Was it far? Cursing himself for getting involved in this ridiculous scheme and being talked into spending his valuable time on stupid whims, and certainly not for the first time, Lovino nonetheless trudged onward and attempted to find his way around Berlin. 

The city block he ended up in seemed to cater toward cafés, restaurants and various small shops lining the streets. A commercial area through and through. It hardly seemed a place where one would find living accomodations, not unless you were well off. Gilbert certainly wasn’t, with his habit of impulsive and childish purchases. 

Perhaps he had gone the wrong way. With growing impatience Lovino stopped and wrestled his phone out of his pocket, resigning himself to the sheer humiliation of having to ask for directions. 

“Ah, there you are!”

But before anything could be done a certain voice interrupted him. Lovino peered up to find Gilbert striding toward him with a particularly vexing grin on his face. “You couldn’t be bothered to come pick me up or something, you jerk? This city never fucking ends, and I can barely feel my arms. At least help me with this thing and be useful for something.”

“Cheerful as always.” But nonetheless he took hold of the suitcase handle, relieving Lovino of his burden. “Well, no time to waste. It’s right around the corner. We’ll be there in no time, don’t you worry!”

“Around the corner? Wait-” Lovino found himself having to pick up the pace, or else fall behind. “What the hell do you mean ‘around the corner’ ?”

“It’s pretty self explanatory, isn’t it?”

“Since when did you take up residence in such a lavish neighborhood?” Oh. Oh no. Lovino knew that look all too well. This was not going to play out like he had hoped. Anger flaring, he took hold of his arm. “What. Did you do.”

“Well, you see…how do I put this…”

“Gilbert, unless you tell me right now I am going to kill you- I’m being serious, don’t you fucking laugh at me!”

They came to a halt in front of a homely and almost cozy café, with fairylights pulled around the wooden beams making up the roof of the terrace. From inside came the soft sound of music, bright and for once not much of a disturbance. Draped across a chair in front of a table with a half finished drink was a coat Lovino immediately recognized. Slowly he began to piece it together. For a moment he was too appalled to speak. 

“Okay, I get that this might seem sudden.” he began, defensively putting his hands up. “We don’t really have time to argue about it. They’ll be here any second now, my brother is almost as punctual as I am-”

“You’re joking.” Lovino had to resist the urge to grab his shoulders and violently shake him. 

“Just sit, please? We need to plan out our strategy ASAP. Every second lingering is a second wasted. Teamwork and all that.”

“Do you have any idea how long it takes to travel here by train? Do you, asshole? Now you want me to-”

“Strategy meeting in session!” With that he pulled him down to a chair, then returned to his own with an expression that seemed a poor imitation of serious contemplation. “So, first things first, what are you like when you are in love? Would it be a complete switch of personality or are you still plotting to make the world pay for all the endless slights you’ve suffered, only this time with someone by your side? To be honest, I’ve never really seen you smile like you mean it. Are you even capable of it?”

Lovino shied away from his hands as he attempted to pull the corners of his mouth up. “Stop that! What the hell is your problem? Why the fuck would I be smiling in a situation like this?”

“It wouldn’t kill you to at least try to have fun. I do worry that it might come off as insincere, though. We should play this safe, start off with something more aligned with us as people. Just give me something to work with…”

He bit down on a thousand complaints, reluctantly considering the question at hand. “I don’t know.” A strange, jittery feeling was forming in the pits of his stomach. Suddenly meeting his piercing gaze felt overbearing.“I never really- you know what I mean. It’s just not something for me, okay? Why bother? What’s the point?”

Gilbert leaned back in his chair and smirked, putting his arms behind his head. “See? You got this! That blush is almost too convincing. Am I making you nervous?”

“I can still leave you here to deal with your own damn mess.” 

“Hey, this is our mess now. Stay in character! We’re meant to be star-crossed lovers and all that yap.”

“You’re an idiot.” He sneered. “There is no way this is going to work! Were you always this stupid?”

Instead of retaliating Gilbert peeked over his shoulders and straightened up. “Here they come. Stay in character or die trying. This is it!”

I never should have agreed to this, Lovino had the time to think before Feliciano called out to him, waving energetically. 

And thus it began.

-

Hours later the door slammed shut behind them as they at last made it to Gilbert’s current apartment, which, as Lovino had presumed earlier, was indeed located in a rugged, eastern block far away from any known tourist spots. After covering several flights of stairs, he was quite relieved to have given the suitcase away before departing the café. Gilbert wiped his brow, still winded from the effort and concealing it rather poorly. It was the closest thing to revenge Lovino could hope to get at the present. Glaring with scrutiny at the dark rooms hinting behind the hallway and noting that they seemed tidier than his own living quarters, his petty, vindictive glee almost immediately disintegrated into dust. 

“So, this is my place…got a spare bed set up in…living room…” 

“You have a lot of shit to answer for.” Lovino said, turning around and crossing his arms over his chest. “I haven’t forgotten anything about what you just made me endure. Did it ever cross your mind to perhaps, I don’t know, let me know what you were planning?”

Sighing, Gilbert wiped his brow a second time. “Listen, it wasn’t like I intended for it to happen this way. I only found out about their excursion an hour before you arrived. Had to act quick before they chose some other spot. Man, what did you put in this thing, lead? I need to start going to the gym again…”

“What about sending me a message, you absolute dimwit? Did it just not occur to you?”

“About that…” Gilbert hesitantly smiled at him. “I thought that you might refuse, say that it was too sudden and all that. I figured we’d manage somehow, right? And we did. It was a success!”

If ‘success’ could be defined as ‘not being outright exposed as frauds’. They had in some contrived manner convinced their brothers of their supposed relationship, with Gilbert taking the lead and making up the exact details of when, where and how. All Lovino had to do was to confirm or add to what he was saying whilst doing his very best not to seethe. Feli had smiled his ‘I knew it’ smile at one point, making it all the more difficult to play along. Lovino had to beat down the urge to stand up right then and there to reveal the truth before taking his luggage and marching right back to the train station. This would have meant confessing to his true motivations, however, and so he barely kept himself composed, not wishing to admit to something so malicious and embarrassingly stupid. If Feli was to end his nonsense relationship, he must do so himself. 

Gilbert went to take a shower, leaving the suitcase by the door. Lovino brought it to the living room, indeed finding a mattress and a makeshift bed frame already set up with bed sheets laid out by the foot end. Not much remained for him to do but unpack what he might need for the night. Sitting down on the edge he let out a sigh for perhaps the thousandth time today, rubbing the spot between his eyes and feeling no less weary for it. Even now his lips seemed to tingle. Once made aware of this the sensation seemed to spread upward from his neck, reaching his ears. 

Why did he do that?

It happened as they were getting ready to leave. Feliciano and Ludwig were headed down a different route and decided to say their farewells as they all gathered just outside the entrance on the street. It had been nothing remarkable…at first. They all politely agreed that it had been a pleasure, to perhaps keep in touch and see whether they could meet again. Then before Lovino knew what was happening Gilbert wrapped an arm around him as if he’d done it countless times before, bringing him in for what must have been a second at most. He’d turned back to the others before Lovino could begin to process it, no doubt turning an embarrassing shade of red in an instant. Feli had the audacity to giggle at him. And then they were gone, leaving him standing there alone with Gilbert and only then noticing he was holding his breath. It felt like prickling, tiny needles rushed all over him. 

“Did you find the- oh, good you did.” Gilbert’s voice startled Lovino back to the present. He was standing in the doorway leading back to the hall, hair dripping even as he lifted the towel from his shoulders to rub at it. “There’s leftovers and other stuff to eat in the kitchen, it’s to the right. Your right, that is. I wasn’t sure what you liked, so I made sure to get things you could cook something with.”

“You don’t need to pester me about every little thing, I can take care of myself just fine.”

“I know, I just- I only wanted to make you feel welcome. Be a proper host and whatnot.” 

Lovino had answered more sharply than he meant to. It was evident in the small, forced laugh Gilbert let out in a fruitless attempt to ease the tension. Certainly he’d earned some of it, that much Lovino was adamant about, yet at the same time it was obvious that he was trying to make up for his blunders. A blind person would have seen it. It should not matter, yet it somehow did.

Should I say something about what he did? But this was the agreement, wasn’t it? Lovino stared down at his hands, wringing them together. “I know. I…I didn’t mean to sound so…”

“Pissed off?” Gilbert smugly suggested. “That almost sounded like an apology. I never knew you cared so much about me.”

“Well, that fucking settles it. Forget your stupid apology.”

“As you say. Goodnight, sunshine.”

As soon as he’d disappeared into his room Lovino threw a pair of socks at the door, which he then had to go and retrieve in sullen shame. After this embarrassing outburst he flopped down on the bed, where everything had a different scent. His scent, surely. The bedsheets had recently been put in the laundry, but beneath the faint smell of detergent he could still sense it…Indeed, this had to be the same vague, indescribable scent he’d noticed back then. 

He felt his heart begin to beat faster. Just like back then, when Gilbert kissed him…

-

Adjusting to being in a “relationship” would take a while. How long, Lovino had no way of telling; all he thought he knew of people was being challenged by having Gilbert around, an unyielding presence that certainly showed no sign of tiring. If anything his accomplice enjoyed this facade. Despite it being a lie he never quite dropped the act, insisting on being as doting, loyal, compassionate and embarrassing to be around as one would be when smitten by another. He insisted on making breakfast, dragging him around to visit unseeming parks and corners with some nostalgic attributes and watching absurdly action-packed movies together. Most were terrible, but the way his eyes glimmered almost convinced him to be more lenient. When they weren’t out on their mission Lovino found little to no opportunity to shut himself away. More than once he came to notice that they were, in fact, sharing a living space in the manner a couple going back years would, hardly registering the presence of another. This meant that he at least twice stopped mid-conversation, finally seeing that Gilbert had just stepped out of the shower and only had a towel around his waist. He didn’t seem to notice either, staring in confusion as Lovino abruptly turned and left. 

Had he ever spent this much time uninterrupted with just one person? Had he ever squabbled, bickered and then begrudgingly relented to mad ideas to such an extent that his voice suffered for it? It was far removed from what he’d grown accustomed to. Maybe that was a good thing.

And then there was the…physical aspect of it. Though Gilbert kept a respectful distance in private he had no qualms with sneaking a kiss or two, or hold him close and lean against Lovino as if seeking to cuddle. Always finding himself caught off guard, he struggled to find any immediate complaints or remember that he could easily distance himself. Gilbert would no doubt relent, seeing just how easily he read Lovino’s face and adjusted accordingly. Without exception these moments were skillfully timed to feelings Lovino sometimes struggled to predict, and this went beyond things entailing the task at hand; recently Gilbert correctly guessed that he disliked a certain type of cereal before he could even begin to ponder it. Being questioned about it he merely shrugged, saying that Lovino 'just felt familiar'. Though it made him feel nervous to be held, it was never truly uncomfortable. Why that was he simply could not figure out, so he tried to ignore the low, electrifying sensation that nestled itself up inside his chest. 

At one point after a long day out with their brothers Lovino found his thoughts wandering. The way he kisses me is restrained, something done just for show. What would it feel like if he meant it? By the time he realized what was happening, panicking and forcing himself to think of something else, it was too late. He had been reduced to holding his head in his hands, locked inside the bathroom for God only knows how long having forgotten all about brushing his teeth. Rather than get his shit together he ended up sinking to the tiled floor, finding the chill a momentary and much welcome distraction. They were a vivid dark blue, almost like that specific kind of glass tupperware that seemed to exist wherever you went, though no one ever owned or was seen using a set. Then Gilbert knocked on the door to check in on him and Lovino hastily stood, feeling humiliated though he couldn’t possibly have known what he was doing. He’d said something in reply, that much he felt certain of, but the rest felt a blur. 

As for their progress…From what Lovino could surmise neither Feliciano nor Ludwig seemed in any way troubled in their presence. They were inseparable, devoted to one another and in near perfect harmony. Even their chaotic moments seemed natural somehow. To sum up what had changed since this all began: nothing. Absolutely, without question, nothing . To think Gilbert had sounded so confident when first pitching the idea…But he could not call it quits this far in, and certainly not after committing so much to maintaining a sense of believability. Giving up now meant going home and pretending none of this ever happened. 

Lovino stirred, staring up at the ceiling illuminated by the pale moon and distant city lights. Now and then a car would sweep by in a near soundless flash, a tranquil reminder of the city that never slept. It was all familiar, yet something he did not recognize. I stand to lose nothing by admitting defeat, so why can’t I simply will myself to do it? Just leave and let Gilbert make up some excuse. It would only serve him right. Why should the thought of going home be so dismaying? 

Lovino received no answers from the silent living room. Though he could barely make it out his gaze strayed to the door on the far left and remained there, wondering. Gilbert would be fast asleep by now. Or maybe was he awake too, feeling lost and disoriented with no way of resolving it? Tomorrow would be the last time they met up with their brothers. Feliciano had things to tend back home and could not linger much longer. Lovino would follow not far behind.

Yes, but then what?

-

“ Him? Are you playing some trick on me, Lovino?”

“I’m not, I swear.” It was a relief to have this conversation over the phone. Antonio would have seen right through him if they were face to face. Lovino adjusted himself to sit more upright. “Things…I don’t really know how to explain it, it just happened somehow. I don’t really get it either...”

Antonio sighed on the other end. “I thought you disliked him. It definitely looked that way to me.”

“I thought so too.” 

“Well, is he good to you? Does he respect your feelings? Does he take care of chores? You should handle some of them too, don’t forget that. A relationship needs to be both fun and serious. Both of you should make an effort to keep it that way. I know how you feel about tidying up, but it will be done in no time if you just get to it-”

“Alright, you can stop lecturing me now.” Lovino interjected before it could drag on. “I can take care of things, how many times do I have to remind you I’m not a child? So can Gilbert. His apartment is in better shape than you’d assume from his appearance.”

“Don’t mind me. Some habits are hard to quit, you know? To me you’ll always be a boy that barely reaches past my knee. How time flies by…” 

He made a face. “No need to get all sentimental. You’re being embarrassing.”

“It is my duty to be embarrassing. As the one who raised you, I can’t help it.”

“What does any of this have to do with-” He groaned. “Nevermind. Whatever. Now you know, I guess. That was all I wanted to tell you. Now, I have better things to do than being subjected to this nonsense. I’m hanging up-”

“Wait, before you do that…!”

“What? This better be important.”

“Are you happy?”

 Lovino hadn’t been prepared for the sincerity in that question. For a moment he struggled to find the words. “What do you mean?”

“That advice I gave you earlier is sound, so don’t get me wrong. You should try to heed it when possible.” Antonio said. “But above all you should feel like this relationship brings you happiness. There will be ups and downs, everyone experiences them sooner or later. Whether you can manage it depends on how you feel deep down. If his presence is enough to make you feel safe and at ease, then you’ll be able to weather out any storm together. Always listen to what your heart tells you. It is what matters most in all branches of life.”

“...I will.” His voice had lost its edge. Noticing this, Lovino quickly made himself revert back to normal. “I need to go. We’ll talk later.”

“Have fun on your date! Or at least try to. You’ve always been such a troubled boy...”

“Shut up. Bye.”

Exhaling with relief he put his phone aside and sank down into the kitchen chair, head filled with swirling thoughts. A perplexing feeling had begun to form in the pit of his stomach, one that he didn’t feel familiar with. It was like being anxious, except he could not tell in what way. 

Are you happy?

As much as he hated to admit it Antonio was right; he had struggled to truly feel at ease for as long as he could remember, always looking over his shoulder and expecting the ground to fall apart underneath his feet. Kind of embarrassing, now that he had been made aware of it. What did it feel like to be truly happy in the way his brother seemed to be? Come to think of it Gilbert had noticed it too, when they first met up by that café. Smiles were something rigid and unnatural to him. Was it possible to grow used to them? Maybe one day it wouldn’t feel so awkward to try…

So he ought to listen to his heart. Damn him and his wishy-washy advice. Lovino would rather not open that door at all. It looked better bolted shut. 

How does his presence make me feel… ?

-

One final dinner, and then it would all be over. They would probably find their efforts to influence their younger brothers wasted and agree that it had been a total failure, and Lovino would go home. They would announce the end of their supposed relationship, pretend to be sad about it for a while…In time this would all fade into a distant memory that could easily be shelved away somewhere out of sight. All would be well. It would, right? But his jaw still seemed to be tight, and each step down the walkway felt heavier than the last. It made no sense. Lovino would have laughed at the absurdity of it, had it not been such a miserable feeling to be caught up in. 

“You alright?”

“What?” He blinked in surprise. “Huh?”

Gilbert was smiling reassuringly, but watching him rather intently still. Few things ever passed him by. In the late evening rapidly falling to night, with streetlights glowing and bright windows signifying life all around them, his eyes looked more vivid than ever. Warm despite the early autumn chill, not at all sharp or a cause for unease as he previously thought them to be. Upon closer inspection his ragged and careless appearance served to conceal the side of him that stopped to help snails and worms off the road before they were hit by cars. How unfair. Gilbert got to be accomplished, independent, attentive and a force to be reckoned with, all whilst maintaining a plethora of good traits with the same vigor as all the former qualities. Was there anything he couldn’t do?

“You’re clutching my hand like you’re going to tear it off.” 

Oh. He hadn’t even noticed. Lovino eased his grip. “Didn’t mean to. Sorry.”

“Is everything okay? You look a bit pale. It’s a dinner, not an execution. We’ll be fine, won’t we?”

“Obviously. It’s nothing, okay? I’m fine.”

Gilbert all but pouted. “When will you ever let me dote on you? These are our final hours as a couple. Can’t we at least try to pretend like this is real?”

Fortunately Lovino was spared from having to come up with an answer or even think about it. Calling out to them from afar Feliciano was on his way to meet up with them, Ludwig in tow. You can do this, he told himself. This is what you wanted all along, isn’t it? For this stupid joke to end? 

So he prepared himself for the rather anticlimactic conclusion to this messy operation.

-

The next few hours simultaneously went by in a flash and dragged on without an end in sight. His brother rambled on and on about exhibits, parks and the various souvenirs he’d bought, digging into his pockets to show various little trinkets ranging from common goods to intriguingly remarkable oddities. It fell to Ludwig to give a summarized, more coherent retelling of their experiences. There were questions for the two of them, naturally, and like usual Lovino could rely on Gilbert to improvise, adding brand new details to their time spent together. At the apartment they lived more or less like awkward roommates, after all, and so the truth had to be modified to some extent. Just like before Lovino simply had to agree with what was being said, and be convincing enough in his agreeing. 

Until Gilbert decided to tell them that Lovino was the most clingy at night, all but demanding to cuddle and refusing to let go. “What the hell are you talking about?” He demanded, unable to let this one slide.  “Stop making shit up to embarrass me! That’s not true at all!” 

“Aww, no need to be shy. Everyone has a vulnerable side to them, even tough guys like yourself.” Gilbert answered, smiling in a way that made him look particularly punchable. 

“I’ll show you vulnerable.”

“Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it, huh?”

“You’re about to find out-”

“Don’t fight, you two!” Feli was already preparing to stand up, though he most certainly didn’t stand a chance of interfering. “Please, people have started to look this way. What if they throw us out? Don’t fight!” 

Only then could Lovino feel other guests giving him and Gilbert looks, curious and more often than not growing annoyed. It was enough to give him pause, and the tension zapped out of him almost right away. He sank down and was reduced to quietly simmering, refusing to as much as cast Gilbert a look. Jerk. This is all your fault. Why did you feel the need to go that far? His neck tingled as he grew flushed. From a single, made up description he’d suddenly grown so immersed that it felt real. In an instant Lovino had been in his arms, clinging to him and shutting everything else out until nothing remained but his chest slowly rising and falling, a warm and rhythmic pulse emitting from deep within. He poked a fork around on his plate, but felt too stirred up to eat. 

“Is everything alright?” Though Ludwig looked somewhat relieved, he also seemed uneasy with the resolution. “You should not agitate one another like that.” 

Somehow this consideration only made him feel worse. Neither of them seemed to understand why Lovino had protested so fiercely, or why he couldn’t look anyone in the eyes. Gritting his teeth he was left with no choice but to keep silent. No way would Lovino let any of them know what was going on, least of all him. 

To ease the sudden tension Gilbert laughed, though it did sound somewhat forced. “Don’t worry, you guys! It seems strange from an outsider’s perspective, I know, but we do this all the time. It’s just lighthearted bickering, nothing serious. And if one of us happens to overstep, well, we always make it up to one another, don’t we?” 

Lovino was about to let out a sigh and half-heartedly agree, determined not to be a total pushover on the matter but seeing the sense in what he was doing nonetheless. Soon enough this would all be over. He only had to keep the act up to the end.

Then he felt Gilbert gently take hold of his hand and turned in surprise, just in time to see and feel him place a gentle kiss on it and then look up at him with…Whatever it was he saw, it made his heart skip a beat. All thoughts of retaliation, to tell him that he better not do anything like that again or else, all attempts to cling to anger just scattered into dust. Lovino forgot how to speak and froze in place, unable to look away. 

Are you happy? How does his presence make you feel?

Then he heard Feliciano giggle and snapped back to the present, shooting him his most murderous glare. “What? What’s so funny?”

He and Ludwig shared a look. That’s not good. Not good at all. What kind of lies and presumptions are they secretly communicating to one another? “Oh, nothing. Don’t mind me. I’m only happy the two of you resolved it.” He innocently answered. 

Fuck. God damn it, fuck. What did I do? A creeping suspicion told Lovino that his face must have gone bright red. Again. He felt the tips of his ears tingling. Beside him Gilbert chuckled, amused as ever, and before he could protest he’d wrapped an arm around him. 

Yeah, he most definitely looked like a fool.

-

“For all our efforts, I believe this was a total defeat.”

“Seems that way.” Lovino mumbled, watching as their intended targets departed without a hint of discontent. It almost seemed like they were closer than before, in fact. 

Sighing, Gilbert stretched his arms behind his head. “No need to linger. It’s getting cold out here. How about we head back home?”

And so they walked together in silence. It wasn’t necessarily unpleasant, but it did feel unusual. Typically Gilbert would rant uninterrupted about everything and nothing, suggesting various tweaks and improvements to their acting, mentioning some movie he recently saw or a book he read, prompting Lovino to engage in something close to a conversation. At first it only frustrated him. Now he cast him a hesitant glance, wondering what he was thinking. Was it the end of their collaborative efforts that bothered him, seeing what little of an impact it amounted to? Maybe he was contemplating how to move on. Lovino was not so sure he could do it himself. The thought of saying goodbye and carrying on as usual suddenly felt sickening. Are you happy? How does his presence make you feel? Only a few weeks ago those questions would have made him scoff. How absurd. There was no need to look inward and truly consider anything like that, was there? 

Now he knew better. Perhaps he’d known all along, but refused to admit it. “...You didn’t actually think this would work, did you?” Lovino asked. 

Gilbert shrugged. “It was worth a try. I got nothing else to do these days, you know? Not much left for a relic like myself to contribute with. In a way it’s almost like going into retirement, except you’re too young and simultaneously too old.” 

That feeling was almost painfully familiar. Having such an unnaturally extended lifespan left its marks, to be sure. At times Lovino worried he would forget it all one day, losing decades and centuries of laughter, tears, anxious pacing, slamming doors, endless inaction, moments that ended too quickly…All that he might care for might scatter with the wind. At times he wished it would. Times of peace could make him grow restless. Once, there had been nothing but constant war. Seeing something soft and genuine like love shared between two people only reminded him of his perpetual, inevitable loneliness. He was guaranteed to outlive anyone, no matter how long they held on. Indeed, what could possibly be worthwhile when they lived as long as they did?

“Thanks, by the way.”

“For what?” 

“For making this endeavor worthwhile.” Gilbert paused right there in the middle of the sidewalk, softly smiling. “It would have been boring without you. I never have a quiet moment with someone like you around, and I appreciate that.”

It took him a moment to respond. “I hope you don’t expect me to do something this stupid again.”

“Well, would you?”

Would he? Instinctually his judgment yelled no, absolutely not, under no circumstances. But there was another voice, one more difficult to ascertain, that found it intriguing. It was impulsive, driven purely by emotion and…by will, even. Lovino wasn’t sure he could refuse him. “Not a chance.” He said anyway, just out of habit.

“Not even if I beg and plead?”

“Why would you do that? Don’t pretend like I’ve been pleasant to be around.”

“Screw that. I don’t need you to be pleasant.” Gilbert stubbornly said. “You wouldn’t be yourself, and that would be way worse. I happen to like your bluntness.”

Lovino averted his gaze. He couldn’t think of anything compelling to say. No insults actually sounded clever, no sarcastic jabs he could think of would do. All he heard was that question, repeated over and over. Are you happy? 

Am I? Is this what it feels like? He just told me something I never thought I’d hear, and I’ve lived to see empires fall. 

Gilbert began to resume walking. “You definitely could try to view things with more optimism, though. It wouldn’t hurt. So, when are you-”

Whilst he spoke Lovino caught up with him, having momentarily frozen in place. Before he could change his mind he grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him close. It was a kiss much rougher and hasty than the ones done for show, and this time he felt a warm surge of excitement fluttering in his chest. Lovino held them both in place for a few seconds before his senses returned and made him pull away, flushed and slightly out of breath. It was nothing compared to the shade Gilbert had turned, though. Eyes wide, he could not get a word out for what felt like an eternity. 

Don’t make me regret this, Lovino silently pleaded. I’ll never forgive you. He still held his collar, he noticed, hand clutched around it like his very life depended on it. 

“You…There’s no reason to- Um, they’re not around to-”

“I know.” Lovino did his best to smile. It felt odd, but not as terrible as he'd feared. “I’m not an idiot. Are you?”

Gilbert’s expression was warm, and filled with relief. “I might be.”