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I feel stuck. I never really wanted to be in college.18 years old and needed to figure out what I wanted to do. I am worried since so many people don’t end up what they studied in college. It's the first week and I feel like failure without failing. I need to be happy going in for free. I’m grateful since so many women will kill to be in my spot. I’m grateful that God guided me and helped me to change the class I wanted. But a part of me feels unfulfilled. I always wanted to be famous. A childish fantasy.  I’m into Kpop and seeing them dancing, singing and living a life I could have in a different universe, a life I dream of. It makes me see the choices I made in the past 18 years. I could have that dream of not being a kpop idol per say since I am hispanic and I definitely don’t have the looks and height for it. but have a famous life. I auditioned but it never really got anywhere.

 I am waiting for one at the moment but I’m getting older. Maybe this fantasy created comfort for myself. I’m lonely, I have family and friends, and I have a job. What more do I want? I feel unfulfilled like I made a mistake somewhere in my life. The clock is ticking. Maybe in this universe I will get my dream. Or I end up being a wife and with children which I don’t mind but I don’t want yet. I truly feel lost where I want to be. I just know I want fame. Maybe being a writer. But I have writing problems. Singer? No, I can't sing. Actor, that awesome but I’m not expressive. Porn actor? Maybe but I think I won’t be seeing my parents for a while if I did that. Plus I don’t have the body for it. I’m a raisin bean naked if I don’t like what I see, I’m sure as hell no one does. Kpop idol or actor. As much as I love the idea, I don’t speak Korean. An athlete? I can’t throw a ball. I’m dumb and I’m below average in everything. Maybe I need more confidence in myself. But It had be hard, especially more than ever. I feel like I hit rock bottom. I feel like I failed in life. 

Well not towards other people. Not to brag or anything but towards other people I am living their dream. I made so many people proud of me. I know that for a fact. I finished high school. I’m enrolled in college and most colleges I apply to get accepted  and get a shit ton of money. I have friends and I’m confident with myself. But I'm not proud of myself. I’m a tiger mom towards myself. I feel I destroy my dreams of doing nothing about and waiting till I’m 18 but getting older  and casting want younger people. I’m older. Maybe I need to trust God and the universe. I have been manifesting my dreams and passing the audition I did recently. It's one of the manifestations I have been doing for a while. I did manifest the classes I wanted and it worked! I’m just waiting for the audition. I feel like shitting my pants everytime I think about it. But I have a gut feeling that if I write about it will it go well? Only time will tell. I have many lives to live but I don’t know how long. I can die tomorrow from a car crash or I’m a rich grandma movie star. Who fucking  knows! 

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I hug myself tight  pretend someone haven't seen me months  and kissing the top of my head

I hold and kiss  my hand and  pretend someone loves me and want my attention 

I kiss my walls pretending the cold white tiles where a lover soft warm lips. 

I touch myself to feel something.

Something I have to pretend as many other all ready have,

Love 

Love is a privilege I have not achieved. I have never been in a relationship before. I haven't even had my first kiss. I’m behind. I'm worried it will never happen to me. But sometimes I  don’t really care for it. I want someone to hold me but at the same time I want​ to be a grandma with 12 cats. Hold my cats like they are my lover. It is hard for me to understand my relationship with love. There are times I feel so lonely and really want to be in a relationship and other times I don’t care for it. Maybe I could be in a relationship,  but at this point of my life I don’t want one. Plus I don’t have the time to have one even if I did want one. Love is not always romantic. I know that I love my family now and am learning to forgive my father step by step. I love my friends and they support my passion and my dramatic dreams. 

Maybe I did achieve love. Maybe I do have the privilege of love. It may not be romantic as I  see on TVs and walk through a park with hundreds of couples around. But as a family remembering my birthdays and celebrating my achievement that I haven’t been proud of yet.  My friends compliment my features that I haven’t even thought of being my best.  I am full of love. I may be lacking the romantic part of my life but I am full of family and friends that love me for me. Love is a privilege and I have achieved.

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suicide is one of the most selfish things that a person could do. Not only to others but towards yourself. Things will get better even if it is shitty now. Life is meant to be shitty but also beautiful. That is the twisted world we live in.  I have attended   a couple months back but I do regret it, even if at the time I did not regretted.I regretted not going all the way. But as of now I regretted even thinking of it. I realize it is selfish of me to miss birthdays, Christmas, weddings and many more. I haven’t lived life, I just began it. I know things are shitty now but in the long run life will be beautiful. I have to be patient. Hell I could have been a famous writer living in Korea or something but I won’t know if  I made the choice to end my story.  Life is shitty but how shitty would have been if you went all the way but that same night you could have won the lottery. Life is meant to be crappy, depressing and violent  but also beautiful, lucky, hopeful. It makes life so human.

I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to stop and actually think what the hell I was doing.   Life isn’t going well for me at the moment. I haven’t been living my dreams but one day I will. That makes me wake up in the morning. Knowing that your dream can be accomplished. Even if it is childish and cringy. But everyone is cringy, even the basic white girls in your high school. Life is cringy and childish. 

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The first time someone made a comment about my looks I was 5. It was about my teeth. The second time it was weight I was around 13. I really don’t find myself beautiful, just normal. I’m not ugly well I don’t I am. No one ever told me that I’m ugly but no one told me that I’m beautiful either.  But I know I’m not beautiful. I’m normal. Just someone you see on the street million times over. I have common normal features. Brown eyes and hair. Average weight. Nothing to remember and nothing stops someone. I’m not ugly or beautiful, I'm a normal person. I see the beauty in anyone, even the one that is considered “unattractive” but it is hard to find the beauty in myself. 

I don’t like taking photos of myself. I find every bad feature I have. Like my round face. I’m chubby, my eyes look weird, my jaw is weak, I have a double chin. I have yellow teeth. My arms are too big. I see every flaw I have, even the ones no one will ever notice. I look so bland I don’t have the charm of my friends. The bright smile and aura friends one  has. The body and eye the second one has. The third one looks like an angel that came down from heaven. I’m just there. The normal looking one. I don’t mind. I know I look normal. I saw the woman on tik tok talking about ugly privilege and I relate  to her story a little. I never dated so I don’t know that part. But I think I do have ugly privilege. Like spongebob said “I’m ugly and Im proud!” No one came towards me or anything. No guys or girls see me as datatable. But whatever. I’m not going to the femcel and say “ugh everyone is Chad and Stacy and everything is about looks” which in reality it is not. I hate those people. 

But I’m okay with my looks. I’m not pretty or ugly just normal. I have insecurity  I’m human but everyday the more and more I’m not giving a fuck about my looks. It is who I am. I don’t have a face card, just a face. A normal looking one. 

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On my way to school this morning I saw a girl around my age. She had this bear sticker and I thought it was cute and I wanted to tell her but I got worried. I thought maybe she thinks I’m weird. I should have but she had headphones on and was looking at her phone. I didn’t want to bother her. She seems pretty cool. I should have talked to her but I got so worried that she might think I’m weird. Everyone is weird. My anxiety has been popping off. I just haven’t been in my right state of mind. I think it is more due to  how I didn’t reach my goal in high school and how I should have done it when I was younger.

I kinda hate how I think. It stops me getting new friends and socializing. I just think that everyone thinks I’m weird or ugly or boring but in reality I’m not. I know that it is just a consent battle in my brain. My anxiety is like a little tumor and slowly going through my brain. But this other tumor is my reality , my hopefulness is struggling to win this war. Someday I’m fine and others I just feel I don’t want to get up in the morning. It has been like this for a while. I just hope I will be happy again. I know I will, it's just a matter of time and to fight this big anxiety I have. I need to lock in and manifest but it just has been so hard. But I have to fight this war. I don't want this tumor to consume me. 

I’m in class at the moment. I don’t want to be here but I have to go to college. I’m also kinda grateful that I went to a community rather than a “real” college. I just don’t know what I want out of life. I find it kinda weird that they want to just finish high school and figure out what they want to do for the rest of their life. I’m just waiting for the audition I submitted last week or so. I just really hope I pass. Hell, I think I will be confident of the audition. I trust myself and the universe. It makes me so nervous but also so excited. Since I didn’t pass any of them but I’m hopeful I will pass this one. I also wanted to sing and dance or even act on stage. But since I get so nervous I stop. My mom called me a little Sharkira. Sometimes I wish I never develop this anxiety. I probably already achieved it.But it is now or never. 

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Back in July I made a bet with my friend. It was a stupid one. It's a bet that if I become famous she will give me 1000 dollars and if I don’t I will give her a 1000. Everyone thinks I’m going to lose. My mom told me if I wanted to give her the money I should have. But I really wanted to make that bet. To do something in my spare time to motivate me. I was really depressed during that time. That same month I tried to end it all.  It something I can do, you know. I didn't really care if I lost. I just think if I made this bet it would motivate me to follow my dreams or something. 

I auditioned. A lot actually. I haven’t gotten in yet. I've just been pussy checking my emails. I’m waiting for this audition and it's been a couple of weeks since I sent my audition and I been excited for this one. But auditioning can really sucks. If you just get rejected and rejected over and over again. It makes you think, am I just wasting my time? Am I just not good enough. I struggle with that a lot. Since all my life I have been below average. I’m not talented or smart. I haven’t been confident but I need to be confident in myself. If I want it, it will come. But  everyone thinks I’m going to lose and is laughing at my face. But if I have my mind on something I will get it. 

I don’t regret this bet and I did promise if I lose I'll lose. If I win I’ll win. I’m going to win the bet. I've been trying to be patient. Something I’m slowly learning. I won’t get it in a snap. I have to work hard. Life at the moment is shit  but going to pay off at the end. I know it. 

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I’m getting old. I am 18 and I turn 19 in November. It's going to be my last year of being a teenager. I can’t try new things anymore. I should have tried new things when I was younger but I haven’t. It was COVID times and my parents worked a lot. I was home alone a lot. But it's mostly my fault as well.  I wish I did more things. Learn new skills. I feel I missed out on a lot of things in my youth. I really did, I know that. I have never been to a house party. No one ever invited me to anything. I have never been on a date. I never sneak out. I never smoke or drink. I never had sex. I never kiss anyone.  I never did anything relabeling. I just went to school, did school work and slept.
Of course I did sports, had a job and I made friends but I just feel like I haven’t done anything in my life. I have so many goals I want to accomplish but I never did anything for it. I don’t know where to start or how to, you know? I am living the worst version of myself. I miss out on a lot of things and I feel behind. I’m getting old and I am an adult but no one really sees me as one and I don’t see myself as an adult. I had a phone call with my mom and I need to go finish this church thing but I really don’t want to finish it. Everyone is like 13-16 while I’m the only adult in the class. I feel behind in life. I really do. I always daydream of the life I could have in a different universe.  Where I did all those things. Where I was cool.  But I get depressed thinking of it. Why can't this universe? Why in this lifetime I can’t be that cool version of myself. I want to be hopeful and wait for my turn. But I am slowly losing my patience.

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I was always wondering if I made the right decisions in my life. I was in Church.Well not for a mass but more for personal choice. My parents are not really religious. Well mostly my dad. My mom is pretty religious. She has these dreams and I wonder about the meaning behind them. She talks about her dreams. It is about  the Virgin Mary or Dead relatives. But beside the point. I was at church looking for things to buy and I discovered this idiom. This clock thing. Inside there was a Mary and a baby she was holding into her arms. Then I look at my reflection, the glass between and the Figure and I. I just thought about what I am doing with my own life. Why Am I going to a school that I really don’t want to do? Have I ever made a good decision? It made me insecure  about my life. But the statue inside is beautiful though. A little pricey for my taste but I live in America everything is a little pricey. 

I talked about my audition to my mom and the drive to the bank. We had a lot of errands.it was the first time I mentioned the audition to my mom. I was a bit worried about what she would think even knowing she supported me. She told me if I really want it I will get it. If not, keep trying.  It is true that this audition is really important for me. It has been my mind for a year now. I was rejected over and over again from different auditions. I really want to get accepted. Even if it is a slim chance I might get in but I just really want to get in. It's a really good program.It's frustrating but I have to wait and see. I haven’t checked my emails. It was mostly due to  my anxiety about the audition. But I promise my friends that I will check it. I’ll check it tomorrow more and update. Fuck dude. It is really important to me. 

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I think I’m ready to move on and let go. I kinda feel frustrated since I had a bad today. But I learning to relax. Even the bad stuff happening in my life. There are so many good ones. I need to laugh and move on. I’m not sure why but I’m happy even after a shitty day. Almost there good news coming to the corner. I have this gut feeling. 

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I wish I could read other people's minds. I have a hard time giving myself a good light. Like how I’m ugly to talk to them or even I’m not good enough to even approach them. I think it will ease my anxiety a lot. I don’t know, I had a hard week. I'm just nervous all the time. Like I’m not good enough for anything. Like I need to prove my worth. Hopefully this week will be a better week. 

Like I said, luck is coming for me. If I keep my head focused  it is going to be okay. I am okay. I need to just relax. It was mostly due to the audition. I just need to relax. Sarai, you can do it. You're okay. Please learn that. But  it is easier said than done. I just see kids in my high school having fun moving on to their next stage of life. Hell, even my friends are doing way better than me. They are also great. I'm just jealous. I am. I want that life. I hate just whining all the time. It does not get me anywhere. It just gets me more depressed and I really don’t want an episode.  I just want a hug and some said you figure out something. I was just frustrated. I know God has a plan. I'm just frustrated I don’t get my shit together. Even my family calls me lazy. Please it's just God if you hear this I just want a better week and to pass the audition. 

I need to relax. Everything is going to be fine. I just have to keep my head up. Not everyday has to be the best day ever. I just want to make someone proud. I want to make myself proud. I will someday. I even promised my dad if I get famous and super rich I will buy him a boat. The funny thing is. He can’t ride one.

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I haven’t lived life. Maybe one day I hope I’m living  my dream. Hopeful. I really fucken hope.

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I failed. I haven't gotten the email for a good three weeks. I don’t know now. I just failed again. Maybe it will come this week but i don’t know. 

FUCK

It ruined my week.. Maybe it's coming late seens so so many people audition?. It will come right?  I feel like shit. I really wanted to pass. But I will get the email this week. 

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I have been having bad days. I think I jinxed myself when I said that luck is coming for me. I am just disappointed and feel like a failure. I like to pretend that I’m talking to someone late at night to hear my sorrow but I just think I need to let go. I am just having the worst time these 2 weeks. I just want good news. I just feel like nothing. I want to lay in bed and do nothing at all.   I want to feel confident and not be sad all the time but it just so fucken hard. If you are doing something you don’t want to do. Just I feel trapped and have nothing in life.

I’m scared of what the future holds for me. I just want to be myself again. It's just bad luck and bad days that are just attacking me. I just think maybe in the past couple of days I did something wrong, you know. Almost like a punishment. I just want to go to bed. I feel trapped in life. Maybe I'm just someone I don’t know who gives me good energy. I just feel like shit. I really want to talk about good stuff and good funny stories throughout my life. But everything is just going to shit. 

There are times I just want to switch life with someone. I sometimes wish I wasn’t me. I just daydream about the life I could have lived. When I was younger I daydreamt that I was this white blonde girl named Shirely. I had a twin sister named Shannon and an older sister named Venus and a younger brother I really don’t remember his name. I lived in this huge home where we go on vacation to disney every year. I daydream a lot. I wasn’t really happy in my life. I just wish I was Shirely. I'm sure she is great. I wish I was not me. I wish so many things. But do not do anything about it. 

I just rant and rant about how shitty my life is but I just don’t do jack shit to change it. I am selfish. I see people having friends and living their best life.I just just jealous of people and seeing them just happy makes me just sad. I wish I was one of them. I always wanted to be a blonde college student.  Envy is one of the worst sins. I know that but I just can’t help it. I am just so lost in life. I wish life was easy. I wish it was like a video game where I can see the different acts of the story. See every ending. And what better ending. 

I just wish I was smart so that I could have gone to an Ivy league. I wish I was talented so I can pass my audition. I wish I was more likable that people are willing to be my friends. I wish I was pretty so that people will treat me better. I wish I was proud of myself. I wish  I’m doing fine. I wish I wasn’t in college. I wish I could see my own friends more. I wish my dad never drinked. I wish my mom wouldn't work so hard. I wish I was famous. 

FUCK! 

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There is always a rainbow at the end of the tunnel. Even if I not feeling the best and I think the world is against me I will find the end the tunnel. Life has hard ship. I just got the shitty end of the stick. But it build me character and helps me to learn the value of letting go and overcome my past. The future is bright. My mom say all the time “Gods has a plan for everyone one. He will tell you when the time is right. Not everything is supposed to be instant we have to be patient.” I just had a horrible week. From my job, school, and personal life. I almost cried in the car today because I thought of a bad memory.

I struggle of letting things go. I live in the past. I need to live the present and prepare for the future. The past is still me but I know some good is going to come. I just need patients. I need to let go of the sorrow of my depression. It challenging but I will over come it a promise. I promise many things. I just need to be me. Life is shit but it can be all right sometimes. I need be happy what I have. I have family, friends and a warm home. My life can be loved because I have love. I am Loved. I’m going to be fine. I will be. 

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I have been singing a lot. I got back to my old hobbies. I always love singing, I just never really good at it. I love to entertain people. It's one of the main reasons why I audition. Just to get lucky one day. I would love to be a singer maybe outside where I live. I am not sure why I just think it's something new. I really don’t talk about myself and my hobbies as much. For example, I'm an only child but I do have an older brother. We both just grew up as only children.  I’m left handed. I’m a black belt in Taekwondo and I still do it to this day. I draw pretty well. I have a somewhat  learning disability. As a kid I had social anxiety and I still do it just more tamed will I think it is. 

I do have a life. I am just a person struggling with self worth and depression. I just wish one day in the near future I’m living the dream. I just had to restart. That's why I write my feelings. It is a great way to express myself. I’m learning everyday, learning to live by myself. I can’t change myself. I am the way I am. 

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I’m feeling a bit better you know. I just have nothing to write about the last two days. I just wanted to write something. I just had a brain fart. I just have nothing to write about. I am a little better mentally. Which is good. I woke up in more of a yay today will be a great day than today is going to be shit mode. I think this week will be a better week. I’m going to check my email today but I really don’t want to jinx myself so I won’t say much. I also work a bit more this week which is good since I kinda need the money. Plus I’m going to work with  recover on Thursday which I’m excited about since it is personal for me. I sure this week will be okay for me. I have this gut feeling that something special is going to happen. But I don’t want to jinx it. But I just know it. I know it. I’m in a good mood. 

I'm going to work soon. I usually don’t work on Mondays since I have taekwondo but I got to get money but I still go. I'll just be in a little rush. But I just feel relieved. I feel fine, a feeling I haven’t had in weeks. I just don't know, maybe I think too much but I just think things will work out. I want to say thank you for some reason and talk all day. I just feel relaxed.   

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I failed its sucks. 

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Life is life. Writing my feelings for anyone  to see made me reflect on myself. It's therapy for me. I have so much emotion and things to say but I don’t know how to word it in words. Writing helps me to say what I want to say. Posting them online  for anyone who wants to hear my thoughts. I am feeling better. I really am if I want to be honest I really didn’t have a great year. I struggle a lot mentally. Mostly feeling about my struggle of being  proud of myself and my insecurity. I always think about my looks and how I am not the most boring looking I am. And the many achievements  I did and feeling I haven’t done enough.  It was mostly my failed auditions. But I am learning to be okay about myself. Life has its ups and down. I struggled a lot in middle school that I would rather not say on the internet since it's really personal.  But it's a new month and I want to change my attitude. I am young, believe it or not I'm turning 19 soon. I need to let go of all the shit I've been through. I need to think about the future. 

I want to achieve my goals. Everyone and there mama does. But to achieve them I need to change how I think of myself.  I don’t want to think of all the mistakes I've made in my life. All the what ifs. If I made a different choice. My life isn’t going to be perfect. But I want to achieve the goals I want to achieve. I just need to believe in my worth. Because believing all the white lies is better for your soul than believing the harsh truth.  I need to believe in myself and know what I want. The part of manifesting and living the dream life is to already know that you already have it. It's a new month and I want to be a new me. I want to take all the negative energy out of my life. I am me and I am proud of myself. 

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I always thought I had good luck. Nobody bullied me, I was never made fun of. I get pretty good grades. But last couple of weeks well throughout my whole year really I just got some awful luck. Like last week my uncle died which really sucks since not to long ago my aunts godmother died and I was have deja vu since it its the same funeral same family that had to suffer one more death. I made a promise to her that I will achieve my dream but I failed 2 auditions. By then I really didn’t want to promise him again since I was just scared that I wouldn't keep the promise. I also got sick which was really great. I miss some classes and I feel so behind in college now. On top of that I got me period then same week. And sorry this is TMI but I bleed through my white underwear. They were pretty ones as well. And now I'm at school. I'm not in class now not because I’m skipping it, it's just that I saw the email that it got canceled. I haven’t been writing a lot since I just had a very stressful week. Plus I can’t really go to the restaurant I wanted since my friends and I are on a budget. Plus all top of that my basement fucking flooded and my parents live there.  Fuck dude it just someone is testing me. I’m scared to say anything really since I was just getting the shitty end of the stick. I want to disappear and all my problems to be gone when I wake up. But that how life is they fuck you in the ass without lube. And it hurts and there is nothing you can do about it. I tried to keep a positive mindset. I really do it just getting harder and harder for me and the things that are happening in my life. I just want something good to come out of it. I want good news. I want something to wash away my soul.

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I took a break today. They canceled class like I said earlier, but I decided I really need a day for myself. I bought bread for my home and family. I walked around and looked at the ocean. I was at peace for the first time in a while. I just felt relaxed. I really needed a break. I just had a pretty shitty week. I just relaxed I needed that I really needed a break and I’m kind of grateful she canceled class even though I was there, but I did some homework and just relax I felt at peace I never had a self me day. Was really nice. It really was. I just felt I don’t know like everything‘s gonna be fine. That’s really what I felt. I was just talking to myself and saying  everything‘s gonna be fine. It will be. I trust myself. Hopefully this week is better off. I just Really wanted to be. I really do but who knows. 

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My mom's aunt came to visit a couple  nights ago . she is on the older side, she is about  91  or 92 and many others have visited since my uncle's death. But they wanted to visit my grandma. It was really nice. It really was.  I didn’t really see them that much. I had taekwondo. They came around 7 I believe so I didn’t see them until I finished around 8. But it was nice even if it was a short run.  It's fun to meet new people. You see new personalities and new people. It is fun to meet. I’m a little extroverted from time to time.  But sometimes I sucks at talking to others and I get a bit arkwards . Like I keep my head down and don’t make eye contact. But it's just me. I had a good week mentally. Which is really good! I had a good week. Maybe everythings is fine. 

It was nice. It is really nice that I had a me day this week. Like I said earlier. It was nice. I should do it more often. I also  auditioned for 2 more. I just don’t want to give up. I don’t. I also ate food I like! Yesterday I had pizza and fries plus later in the evening I had cinnamon rolls  and today I was thinking after class I’ll get coffee or something for the mind. For myself This week I was just focusing on myself. I kinda finished my homework on time and made sure to finish before the due date. Plus fun fact: in graduation I won 1,111.11 dollars. I know it's a weird amount but money is money. But it's good. But the car is down but it's fine now it's fixed. 

Today, on saturday I had dinner with my excident family plus the aunt grandma I was talking about. It has been bitter sweet since going back to Canada. But it is nice, it really is.  It was the first time in a while my grandma smiled and relaxed. My grandma has severe  dementia and depression  but she remembers the lady. Which  surprises everyone.  I also saw my niece. She is so fat but so so cute. I love chunky babies. They are always fed  well.  It was a nice day plus today I had these brownies. I am not much of a fan of them but guess how much they were just a dollar. I thought it was a great price. Really, it is uncommon for anything to be just a dollar. I haven't been writing much, mostly laziness but also I've been a bit lazy. I just had many things on my plate. I really hope everyone is really going to have a great week. It's good to take a day. After you just a shit storm everyone need to be selfish ones a while. 

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I want to start writing more I just been very unmotivated and I been doing a lot of other things. I going to start writing more and more. I think it good I haven’t been writing getting my mind off my depression and I haven’t been sad lately I actually living a life. I have motivation it Morley to finish homework but still it counts. I been auditioning as well. I just been relax. I had a lot to say but it late and I got an 8 am tmr. I will write more and one of the things that makes me calm. I just just been busy and you know how life is. I have a job and have school and I do taekwondo and I help out taking care of my grandmother. I just have many things on my plate but I just been so focus in my own life I just feel not writing I want to change that. I keep the google docs open but never write it since I just say I will write it tmr I never do. I just think I been very unmotivated. I have a lot of shit on my plate. I got two classes tmr and I got homework for math pls I had to read. I need a smoke really. But overall I just been overwork even been sleeping a lot. Well that all I will write more I have lots to say and topic to talk about and thinking about my dreams. It a new change I think I need a change in my life. 

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One of the hardness things to feel is happiness. My mind is my worst enemy it tell me things that are so harsh and so mean. Telling me that I deserve the worst that I’m a fucking stupid pig that never get a fucking a lover cuz I just so damn ugly. Telling me that the reason I don’t see my friends that they slowly kicking me out and I will end lonely again. Telling me that my old friend was right that I am a sword loser that is too much of a fucking push over to defend myself. It hurts so much I just to cry. I do I hate it.  It so hard to not believe it because I am miserable. I’m scared of life and seeing everyone improving their own life makes me so happy for them. I want people to move on but I just feel behind. I feel I failed. One of the toughest battle is youself. We critics so much of ourselves. I see every flaw of myself my insecurities my trauma my worst talent. I quiestion why me? Why do I do so much for other and never get something in return? I don’t know I can’t sleep and I feel uncomfortable of my own body at the moment. I’m having those night that I think of the worst and how everyone hates me. How no matter how much I try nothing will happen. Also the stress of life and how I don’t feel like an adult. I feel like I should tell you more about myself My father is a huge alcoholic back in the day maybe really affects how I feel now because I was so angry at 13 now being 19 I just feel like nothing will happen in my life. It’s my mind telling me this, but my soul doesn’t want to believe it. My mind consume every thought I have just tonight. I just feel so depressed like I have nothing to look for in the morning nothing matters in my life. My life was meant to suffer. My life meant to be so lonely that nobody wants me in it changing my perceptive life it’s just got to pass. I will feel better in the morning. But at the moment, I just feel like absolute garbage Maybe a funny Story will be better like A couple days ago, my friend was making a huge full of herself in the subway. It was really funny, looking back at it. She such a goofball. Or today I saw my niece she is still a baby and she so clingy towards her mom that almost so cute but so funny. Like thinking of the baby doll was her baby LOL. She even kiss it it was so cute. I can also talk about when I was auditioning they didn’t give me an option To put my seeing skills and I’m not quite sure what they want me to say so I said my YouTube channel I made like two years ago. The thing is They’re very cringe, but also very funny. I’m was very funny kid. I like to believe. I feel bad who ever will watch it. Maybe they think it was funny that I pass who know? I another story that my grandma she does many goofy things it her that wheel chair against the world. Also I forgot to mention when I Audition for a couple more I wish myself luck I could at least get one. I’m hoping the one I sent for my YouTube channel. 

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My life is pretty dull. I do the things over over and over again like I know my schedule to the  the brim.. I’ve been doing this for about all my life. I always daydream about having something special in my life something to dream about like the hottest guy in school talking to me and becoming my boyfriend or something or even daydreaming about going to a house party that they invited me I daydream so much that something that I probably will never experience, sometimes people think my life is very boring and very uninterested but that’s how I live through all my life. I’ve been race like that and I think it’s gonna be like that. 

Sometimes I do wish there’s some spice in my life like the next drama or somebody confessed to me or I was scouted. I always wanted something like that in my life and I think that’s the key part of me that I need to fulfill something special that will happen my life to break the cycle of the boring life that I live. Why did you dream so much wishing it was true maybe if I daydream hard It will. But that’s how my life will always be. I’m never really negative. I don’t think so. It’s just I wish I had something special. I’m really not special. I have no talent. I’m very boring looking and I’m not that interesting to talk to, but I just think I need to build more confidence to help me, I’ve been doing that a lot. I’ve been going on my comfort zone talking to others even if it’s small it’s still something. 

I know there’s gonna be something in my life of course there is like I said everyone has a story to fulfill. I have my own story to fulfill and whoever’s reading us. Have a story for them to fulfill even is so small I will achieve my dream more positive. I bring out the world the more benefits it will happen, even if the world‘s trying to fuck me over, I keep a positive attitude. It will happen. That’s my philosophy, even if it’s very immature, but everyone deserves something right? Plus, I have many things that happen in my life that I’ll never expect me and the greatest people that I ever wish for. Realizing that people want to be my friend, I just push them over to the side, but I still love them dearly, even if I’m not the best communicate, I live a long life and I seen people grow and I seen people who I desperately hate and desperately love my life is very boring to a lot of people. I see home most of the time, but this is not gonna be my life forever. I just need to look forward for the future.

For example, I got my mail today to vote, which is very exciting. Since I am one of the only family members to vote. I think I am the first of my family who is born here to vote, which is really exciting since it’s something that a lot of people will think it’s minor by a huge for some. It’s huge for me. I’m very proud of myself because my vote matters. it’s my first election too, which is a little nerve-racking, but I’m excited elections the day after my birthday so it’s like a birthday gift to me.

Wow, rereading this made me realize I said proud of myself really rare for me to say that maybe I should be proud of myself more. Also, I’m waiting for my minion costume to Where for my work. It’s kind of embarrassing, but I have to wear it. I’m matching with my friends which I don’t know that’s more embarrassing or less embarrassing but I have to wear it. But yeah, that’s really much it in my life, but it’s really nice to write about what I’m feeling and my day today you see my emotions I go very depressed and very positive That’s the human mindset. I’m here to write what I feel on the day. 

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Well, I just slept all day. I didn’t really do much today. I don’t know. I was just so tired so I just been sleeping a lot. It’s almost 12 in the morning. I think I’m gonna go to bed soon. I’m really tired. I don’t know why I just been tired all day. I think I have sleeping problems. I sleep a lot or maybe I don’t get enough sleep. I’m not sure. I think it’s up the latter. I also finished most of my homework which I’m happy about so I don’t really need to do it today. I think I have to do some tomorrow, but not that exciting. I don’t remember much today I just been dozing off. Yeah that’s about it today. I think I’m gonna do more auditions tomorrow. I’m not letting go that I know but my mom told me Shakira time she finally audition. It’s all about dedication.

 Yeah nothing really happened today just Chillaxing.

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I’m stressing right now especially with my grades and midterms coming up. It’s just been a big long week for me. School stress me out it’s going to age me. I’m gonna look 80 well being 19. I just want to lay down my bed and forget I exist Forget all my stress my responsibility my everything. I think it’s a test from God or anyone testing me and see how far they’ll push me. How far they willing I go. I think back on my life and seeing I really didn’t get anything fun at the end, but I can’t just mop around and thinking how miserable my life is and never gonna be positive. I can’t think like that is gonna affect me it really will. I can’t just sit here and cry. How sad I am and how I’m stressed about the future because the future isn’t here it’s the present. I can’t be stressing about something I don’t know. I don’t know what tomorrow will be or the next day after that it’s just conflicting in my brain. I’m having a war. I’m really stressed about school. I feel like I’m feeling every class and I’m so behind my laziness is really showing me but also really audition  move far away from here living out my dreams. 

Sometimes I wish that I look at my phone and see that I pass. To move and start a new life I want to refresh. I want a start maybe hopefully tomorrow will be like that. Maybe when I look at my phone, I get the notification. Life is confusing life is so miserable but I just need to keep positive right I don’t want to be miserable forever moping about the past I live through that. I don’t want to reflect for my present now like today I got injured like twice. I do competitive taekwondo, I have a bruise on my hand and I twisted my ankle. Don’t worry I’m fine my hand is perfectly fine and I got a huge bruise on it but still my leg still hurts, but I could walk on it so I don’t think I really twisted It I could walk it’s just a little sore so nothing too severe plus I have a cut on my hand, which is on the ball of my hand. But I have to look at the bright side I exercise it’s a sport and passion about. I’ve been doing this for a long time about my high school career in my elementary I didn’t do it in middle school. Since I was a little edgy like back in middle school I was totally one of the weird girls who was into anime and I hate to admit, but I read a lot of BL also my hair was super Duper short a lot of people thought it was a lesbian due to which I think is kind of weird why we ask a 13-year-old if she’s a lesbian just the way, she looks. Also, I wore a lot of colorful clothing. I remembered I used to wear this pink/orange sweater almost every single day. It was so neon, I also wear very colorful leggings. But even then in middle school, I suffer a lot My dad was a huge shrinker during this time and I remember coming home and seeing him passed out in the middle of the living room. I remember getting so nervous him sleeping due to me thinking he’s probably drunk. Mom, I really feel bad for my mom. She’s seeing her husband all the time not working and she’s barely home. She works a lot these day. I don’t really see my mom often. I really do love my mom. We don’t see each other often and we don’t live the same home, but that’s a story for another day. But even my dad was a heavy drinker he changed a lot. He got a job and he stopped drinking well not drinking a lot. He’s a change person. He changed a lot. I don’t wanna sit here and saying he’s a horrible father because he wasn’t. He suffered a lot. He really did, not say what it is because its not my story, but I’m really proud of him changing a lot of people recognize how he was not even a few years ago that’s dedication. I love my dad and even if we struggle a lot from our relationship, I still respect and love my dad. He’s a change man and I see that change in him. People can change for positive and for the negative from my father changing positively and an old friend changing negatively. I still not really happy about how my life is heading, but who is that to blame just me I’m the one who made those choices. But I’m realizing that I did change. I was such an angry child. I got into fights a lot with my cousins and my parents. I didn’t talk to anyone. I only really had like a friend in middle school but now being almost 19 I change a lot. Still waiting for the auditions I really am. I’m not giving up on that. It is my dream to pass the auditions. I really hope I get it. Of course I think I will eventually get in. My mom told me you have to be patient and I believe her I know I’m very conflicted writing positive mindset and very negative mindset but writing makes me calm down a lot Usually to not stress myself out I’m a very stressful and anxious person and I worry a lot of things but I think it’s healthy to just write what I’m struggling in life since I’m just one person. My life is not perfect but one day once I’m 80 years old, my hair is all the way to my butt crack and it’s dye pink , I’m laying on my humongous bed because I became a celebrity in Korea or something looking back how my life was and being happy with it, I may struggle, but the struggle comes with knowledge and once I’m dying, I’ll die with a smile.

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FucK!

I’m failing two classes in Collage. I feel like a failure. I thought I was doing okay but know I just feel like shit. I’m going to loose my scholarship and then end up homeless. I feel like shit and I hate it. I hate myself. I can’t even pass a class. Maybe I just suck I want to cry. I feel like I just fail everything. This is collage go damnit if I fail collage I’m going to failed life. I fucken suck. I need to just end everything. I can’t do anything right.  

I need to calm down but I can’t I feel like I just failed everything. I can’t excuse this this is me it my own fuckin fault. 

FUCK.

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Funny story this happened a couple weeks ago. My aunt was still in America when she was visiting us she said that the hotel she was saying was so much bigger in our house. Which is true she was staying at my mom‘s hotel and the rooms are pretty big. My house is very very small. Don’t even live in a house. I live in condo which I don’t mind. I live in a condo in my life but as a kid, I always dream of  having a huge house and I still do. It’s all my main goals to own a house a big one. a big one that has a pool and you can have a dog or a cat have a spare bedroom just a house. I’m not saying that I’m not grateful for having a house lot of people don’t have houses and I’m grateful that I have a place to stay. I have food I have water I I can’t sit here and complain that living in a condo. I have a place to stay so many have to struggle and I know that I can’t be moping around. 

I have a lot of privileges I really do. For example, I’m very pale. I’m very white passing. But a lot of people get confused about my race and stuff they always think of mix with something. Like white Asian, with Hispanic just white with something else. And I know I’m privileged for that I have a home my parents are not divorced. I have food I go to college we sometimes just mope around seeking her life is miserable even if it isn’t we have so many privileges. There is millions of people who are way more privileged than me but there’s millions of people that I’m more privilege. that’s how life is. Yeah I was just thinking about that since I thought it was kind of funny. Since I never realize how small houses but she came from a very wealthy family so.

About the auditions I feel like I haven’t been talking about them. I was just very vague with them, but I’m still really want the emails. I haven’t been checking my emails since I am a bit scared but I have to keep a positive mindset and a part of manifestation is to believe you already have it which I believe I had the email. I write very bipolar and depressed one moment and I’m like happy other, I write to write you know first when I started writing. I wrote more about my dreams now I’m just writing what I think. I still dream about my dream I want to be famous. I still want to be an actress or a singer. But sometimes I want to write something else.  

But yeah, I still am waiting for the auditions. I’ve been praying for it and waiting for it. Sometimes I feel in a hurry and think goddamnit  I didn’t get it but I’ll keep trying even if I looked desperate you know I just do it to do it. College I really do. I’m failing  two of my classes which really fucking sucks. Maybe I’m just not smart enough. I don’t like thinking about it. It really makes me not depressed. I’m trying to be better at it, but I’m just so fucking lazy. The only thing on my mind is to pass the auditions. But that’s besides the point I don’t want to write that. 

Yeah it’s almost 12 here and I have school in the morning. let’s hope that I don’t crash out once I wake up. let’s hope that I get the email by tomorrow. Congratulations you pass your next step for the auditions. God, I’ll be a dream of mine. Makes me wake up in next morning. 

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I haven’t been writing I know, but I don’t know tomorrow’s Halloween or the day I posted this it is Halloween. I’m excited. Halloween is always one of my favorite holidays due to right after it’s my birthday not exactly right after I was born on November something I don’t think I’m gonna say. But overall, I just have been really lazy about writing because there’s nothing really much to write about my days just been so boring that I can’t really say anything. I can’t focus on my mental health if I just focusing on school, you know. It’s just hard to write I get distracted writing stuff. I just wanna lay in my bed and do nothing but I know it’s not good for me. I want that to change. I think I’m gonna start today on Halloween. Get a change in my body schedule. Writing how much I hate myself or think I’m the ugliest bitch in the room. I still want to charge the life. I have this is the only life I have. It’s really scary saying that, but it is true. I can’t just waste it.

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I’m really stressed out right now. I’m really am. It’s just I feel so lazy cause I’m not doing enemy work and then I just don’t get what I’m doing. I feel like I’m just so lost. I don’t know what the fuck. I’m doing realize why didn’t go to college I just don’t know what the fuck I’m doing plus I have like two failing classes. I have an F one the other ones D. The one I have a D they saying I never 10 class. I always attend class in that class and I always still work there. I don’t know if I’m missing something. Maybe I just skip but I did all the work. I just don’t know what I got a D in the class. in the math class, I do the work. I just have more struggle and all the test I take. I always get a 60. It’s just I feel so stupid. I’m in the verge of just I don’t know. I just feel so lost like I’ve nothing to gain. My friends are doing so much better than me and it’s all my fault. I just whining all day saying like why they’re giving me these and it’s all my fault. I’m not doing the work properly Was doing most of the work today. I have two essays to do.  I just feel so lost. I don’t want to go to college I really don’t but the only option for me to be successful. If I don’t pass the auditions I have to at least pass college to actually earn something in life. I feel like a failure just been stressing me out I just feel so lost. I feel so dumb as well every time I raise my hand in class I just get the answer wrong. 

no matter how much I just could it be shit no matter how much work I will end up with a failing grade. And I can’t blame someone for this blaming all me. I’m the one who causes problem. I made my own problems by feeling class if I don’t pass the class I lose my scholarship if I lose my scholarship, how the hell would I for my tuition then I have no education no job no nothing. I have a life sometimes I just feel like my life supposed to be so miserable. I know I talk about how miserable my life, but sometimes it hurts. I want to feel joy my birthday is coming up. I was supposed to be excited for being an adult, but I just feel like a child. A child who just suck alive. I’m stuck with this drea, that I feel like I’ll never achieve in millions of years.  I like to think that someone is here to punish me of all those sins I’ve done in my life. Because maybe happiness is not my destiny. no matter how much I want to be better in life I just feel like I just corrupts breaks down with me. Just want me to fail. no matter how much I beg no matter that I hope it just gives me shit at the end. 2024 been a shitty year. I just got shit hinted to me every single day. Every single day I just beg for someone and I just don’t get any. The problem I always try to be a better person or maybe just my delusion talking maybe I am a shitty person and I don’t even realize it 

no matter how much I don’t really get anything in the end. I just feel so miserable. Hell, I even tried to commit suicide this year. I just never felt so shitty ever. I’m crying right now honestly I’m just so overwhelmed with everything. I just want everything to stop and give me a second to think what I’m gonna do next at the moment I am in my prime. This is supposed to be a huge change for me because I am an adult this is the most important part of my life and whatever decision I make right now will affect me the next 5060 years of my life And I feel so lost. I just want guidance. I just want something. Maybe I’m just selfish just wanting something. I’m not doing anything towards myself, but it’s just hard that everything’s just shit at the end makes you realize I’m stupid. I will always be stupid. 

I know this is so crappy and so sad reading this cause I feel sad. Everything this year was not fun. I supposed to graduate this year. I did graduate but I just felt nothing. I just feel lost. I really feel lost and I had to get my shit together. I’m turning 19 soon. I’m an adult. I need to realize what I want to do for my life. Look at my friends, knowing what they want how happy they are looking how different they are with their future. I just feel completely shut, I have nothing to go forward to. I just have nothing in my future and that’s the scariest part. I want a future I want to live a life that I will be proud of because this is the only life I have. I want to make myself proud it’s my life , I just never felt so shitty so ugly so naked it’s like a challenge someone’s challenging my emotions. I don’t know what I’m crying doing my homework just made me so overwhelmed like I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing right now. I have class tomorrow. I hate to admit this, but sometimes I just imagine myself getting killed. Someone stabbing me right in the heart that’s how I feel, I just feel so unsuccessful. 
I try to keep a positive attitude, especially my feelings towards life because if I don’t keep a positive, I have to I’ll end up like I am right now. I want people in our lives because I’m not selfish. I want people to succeed in my life. I pray every day my mom doesn’t get dementia, because my grandmother has it and it the worst. The reason why I’m so obsessed with auditions so my uncle could stay in my room because he’s basically homeless in California. He lives in the shack and I don’t want him to live there. I want to give him my room. I bought him clothes so he could come in December, I want to give him my room if I don’t pass the auditions I can’t. I want to make my friends proud to see them useful. I want my family to at least think that I’m useful as well. I just wanted to write at the moment, I feel so shitty. Like someone broke up with me or something I just did not feel good. I feel so hopeless right now. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. Tomorrow is a brand new month. I just don’t know why I cry. I’m still thinking about it God if you’re really out there I just wanna talk. I want to sign anything.

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I’m really not a good student really. I thought I was but I am not. Fuck no matter how much I tried to be a normal student. I just a fucken idiot. It just sucks. My teacher was grading our intros and I thought I did a good job! I really did! I thought it was a nice introduction but she said it was okay and compared the ones she said was very good. I know it criticized but a sensitive and I thought I did a good. I really did. She probably thinks I’m dumb and how the hell I pass high school. I wonder myself since I am dumb by definition I can’t do math or English. I can’t spell and not good in grammar either. I horrible in Science. I just been below average all my life. 

I wish I was joking but I’m not. I never gotten an 90 in a test. I need more help than other it makes me feel stupid if I can’t spell or pronounce a word at all. Yeah I forgot a got a speech problem as well. I am a stupid. It one of my biggest insecurities. Writing this is hard for me. Since so many words I can’t spell. I wish I was smart I really do. But I’m not. It sucks I never felt so stupid till I went to collage. I need collage. If I fail or drop out I don’t have a future. I just stuck. I’m going back at my old habits since so much shitty things happing in my personal life. I never felt so depressed. I never felt so dumb. Felt so ugly. Disappointed in myself. But I can’t change my mind I want to feel happy about myself but it’s so hard 

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Yeah this whole day week or whatever it was not the best for me. I just felt like shit honestly I know I keep repeating shit but that’s really how I feel feel like a piece of poop. I know I need to be happy but it’s just impossible, especially the conditions. I am right now like Something is testing me like something wants me to fail by I don’t just battle between my mind and my heart hurts. Honestly I don’t wanna feel this way but my brain wants me to it is feeding. It’s like a drug to me. My brain wants me to die. Tell me to give up already  Telling me that you messed up, we have to restart. We have to start again because right now it’s gonna go downhill but I just don’t want to think like that. I don’t I really don’t. It’s bad for my mental. Of course it is but I just don’t feel good about myself.

I’m feeling school I’m feeling the auditions. I did. I close off everyone and not have any friends cause I don’t think I deserve their kindness. And the most boring thing is I want to restart. I want a change, but I don’t know where to start. I’m feeling school I don’t wanna be in college. No one‘s forced me to go, but I have no other option. I want to succeed in life and worry about my future and I keep failing my auditions I pray every day one time I’m gonna get a chance I still believe I will. I believe all the suffering will lead to something positive the end. Because why will the universe give me this negative energy do not challenge myself. that’s what my heart thinks but my brain thinks otherwise. It’s a concert battle. It’s like a devil and  angel on  my shoulders. Well it is my birthday tomorrow well, it’s on the fourth. I’m gonna write this for myself Sarai whenever you have a chance to reread this again, I want to say whatever , happens for a reason. Life is not meant to suffer. Life is meant to challenge yourself to move on the chapter on life that you wanna live it. at the moment of your life is not good I’m gonna be honest with you. You feel like shit, but I hope the future holds something for you. Because I believe you’re great. You are remember that even if it is hard for me to remember that to myself. This version of you writing is completely lost in life, hates their lives and want to live their dream as a star. I hope the future version of myself or you will be better. Well I don’t hope it will and I hope your life is on track of that dream. 

But yeah, just shitty around here. I want to write a little note for whatever I reread this again. it might be 10- 60 years or even next year, I don’t know. I hope everything will be good. I want the attitude but so hard.

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I am 19 year old. I am a collage student. I have a learning disability. I have an older half brother I never met. I have a home. I have two parents. I have friend. I have a job. I have food. I have people that care about me. I have money. I have WiFi. I have a voice. I have hobbies.

I have many things that I am never greatful for. I have so many things that I never realize that I have and so many people don’t. I not different that an other person. We all stuggle and wonder on our life. Find the true passion in the world. I had dinner with my friend yesterday and they talk about what they want to do. I realize that I not the only one that haven’t gotten my shit together we have dream and hopes and we question if even what major in our field anyways. Even one of my friends question she want to do it and other was saying she kinda wants to go culinary school. I think at this point of my life is just importent. We all are worried in our own future. And I closer to my 20s than my teenage years. We want to do something that we like in the long run. It so impotent to just relax. I feel so lost on life and wondering why I can’t figure my shit only to think that my friends are in the same boat. We want to just figure our adult life. Our own destiny. Our own will.

I want to see my future and I think about it often. What she doing. I want to see 23 year old me. Is she happy? Is she dead? Is she healthy? Is she sick? So many question and so many worried. I worried for collage I just been slacking off whitch it not good. We need to be good. I feel so lost but I also happy I not alone. I felt so alone. I need a sigh. Maybe if I see yellow heart I will pass my audition. Or flip a coin and tails is a yes and head is no. 

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Well it the day after the ecetion 

were fucked 

We will rather have rapist that a woman whitch what the fuck is wrong with people? He got impeach twice? He hate everyone but the rich. But people like getting fuck in the ass apparently. Did they forgot January 6? Or the he was 43 felons? Because are dumb. I hate it. I fucken hate I did my job but people want to have him what other choice did we have? People who voted him never been of shoes of millions of people that stuggle here. I see these tiktoker and see the privilege life they have.The are white and got feed of by a gold spoon while their nanny had had to fight to be here. They maid help her family back in Mexico. There nail tech is learning English and wants an education. There gardener and plumber trying to feed there family. They never will have the stuggle that many first gen or POC will experience. They have own problems yes but they are American dream while other are trying to achieve it. We are so blind.

I not have a good day but what else I can do? The universe what’s me to get fucked. I almost burn the house down yesterday I wanted to manifest but I almost burned my house down. It was a big fire. I didn’t why I did it. I so stress with school the election my job birthdays and many more. I really want some like hopefully I get. I so done.

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Well I keep getting a lot of Angel numbers. Like I’ve been seeing a ton of numbers like 22, 222, 1111, 555, or just 55 or a lots of 4s It’s just a lot of numbers keep popping up and I think it’s a sign for something I googled it. It’s more balancing guidance which I really hope it’s true. I’ll take it as true. Angel or gardening Angel is helping me and I think that’s true. Well I hope it’s true. But I’ll trust my gut in my guts telling me that something is coming and I believe someone’s guiding me. Even if I don’t realize or not.  

We’ll see end of the week. I need to do my test and I’m trying to finish all my homework which I think I’m succeeding, but I don’t think I’m succeeding enough, but I’ll try my best to finish it tomorrow since I’m not working and I have extra time, even though in the morning, I still have room to put in my homework. I also audition a lot yesterday which I’m very happy actually I don’t know. I just feel accomplished doing that. Well, it’s just been a hard week especially postelection, but I think I can make it through. I just need a calm down and reflect on my own life. I’m a grown person now. I have my own identity. I have many tests to do, but I just don’t know where to start with my task and it’s hard for me to start because I just don’t want to do it. I don’t really wanna do anything. I just wanna scroll through my phone junk or just sleep. Life is hard growing up is hard. I can’t change growing up. I’m always gonna go up never going down unless I’m like 72. My health is declining. But I just don’t wanna think of that because I’m not 72 I’m 19. Saying that out loud makes me think damn I’m old. But that’s whatever. 

I’m in a more stable mood. I had my frustration my sadness, my depression, my anger but right now I just feel like peace writing this. we don’t know the future. I’m so concerned for it. Something that I don’t know what’s gonna happen. I had this dream kid that I saw my self. She was all business attire and kind of short hair. She looks older I don’t remember clearly what she look like, but I saw her in my backyard. it was a really weird dream. I just been concerned about my future for so long that it’s just the norm to me. 

At the moment, I just feel nothing. Maybe I’ll pick up playing guitar. I was playing a lot, but not really good at it. I sometimes rage quit cause I can’t get the hang of it. Like my mom says practice makes perfect not everything will come so quickly and so perfectly sometimes it’s not so perfect. Sometimes you suck at it. it’s true I do suck playing guitar. But made me at peace. Even though it was annoying everyone. No, I just been thinking a lot a lot about my future a lot about the people in America. Just people in general. People got their own lives and I have my own. Struggling just like me. everyone is struggling but I’m optimistic well  sometimes I hope whatever the future holds is nice and I make a name of myself. I hope I don’t get marry young on or become a housewife I don’t think I have the blood for it plus I wanna make my own money. Maybe once I got like a career and I retired. We don’t know that’s the scary part. I hope my parents and everyone I love is safe and very healthy. It’s my niece birthday tomorrow she’s turning 1. I can’t believe it. She’s so old now I remember she was born. Well it’s because last year but still I just feel so old. Actually, I became more spiritual and more believing God I can’t find a word of it, but I just feel more connected with my religion to have a connection with it. It doesn’t have to be in your life, but it’s good guidance. How religion is it’s something that gives people hope let people believe in religion. Life is struggling. Life is confusing gives them comfort even if there is no God it just gives people guidance of life thinking that there is destiny. I do believe in destiny, I do believe there is a God somewhere. The religion gives us comfort something to look back on. I believe no religion is the right religion. I believe every religion have some correct to it even if it seem impossible. 

we truly don’t know the meaning of life and I think we shall let that as it is. Everyone has a different view of life that the meaning of life is not just one meaning multiple meanings. I am very Christian well not too much. I’m not the most religious person in the world and there is some rules that I’ve been to but the end of the day I do believe in God. I do believe the Virgin Mary. But I just don’t want to put my religion in from point because so many people believe  in different religions and I think that’s beautiful. People have their own definition, their own guidance towards life, even though we believe in different gods doesn’t mean they’re better or worse. Think it’s beautiful that they found their own religion. Something to connect with. or if they’re atheist I still respect them because they’re found their own meaning of life. That we live in this rock and life means nothing we created by evolution. Which I do believe life is meant to be question. And I believe if you don’t question your own religion or don’t question life that’s not truly guiding yourself. I don’t want about religion because religion such a heavy topic. Many people are very religious and many people aren’t nobody’s gonna agree with the same thing. I think religion is a good thing and also a bad thing. I feel like people take religions too far and make their whole personality, which I don’t agree with because religion supposed to help you guide and listen to the words of your own God. If you are religious, you want to follow the words of God God doesn’t want to make you hate everyone, which I don’t get because a lot of Christians Hate gay people hate people who are a little different than them which I don’t agree with because the way they are is perfectly normal.

I believe religions of way to guide yourself through your own life but if you aren’t religious or you believe in something else that’s perfectly normal and healthy. You’re not any better or worse you’re perfectly normal. I just don’t want people to shove their faces of people who are different than them. Life is meant to be confusing and we don’t have to agree the same thing because our view in life could be so different if something changes in our own personal life like if I kick the rock to the left or to the right which ever it makes a huge difference. Like I won’t be me if I wasn’t born in the states what happened? I was born in Singapore was born in England. I’ll be a different person.  But yeah, I just been seeing a lot of signs of angel numbers different religion figures I usually don’t like talking about religion because people are so conflicted over religious, but I feel like there’s a sign somewhere. Whatever it is I hope I figure it out and I hope it’s some good news.  

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Well I had a long thing going on with religion yesterday.

I reread  it was eh I think I got my opinions. I not even that religious. I am sometime and some times I not. It just change how I am.  But I wanted to talk about the angel number I been seeing a lot. I also so a yellow heart this morning to. I think someone is helping I think the universe is helping but I don’t want jinx it. I also kinda scare if I jinx myself. I also get a but nervous saying it out loud since I also think it give bad luck but I I think it doesn’t at the same time and think writing it good. So I can think of thoughts. So I can rethink my own thoughts. I just need to think. I been thinking a lot. 

I’m in class and writing. No wonder I’m failing collage lol. Maybe I just not the best straight A student. I never was. I was always below average. I have an IEP growing up and I have different learning disabilities I not sure what they are honestly they told me. I have really bad spelling and grammar problems. I not good in math either. I don’t know my times or adding to well. I have speech problems. My brain move faster than my body. I also kinda ugly too. I living the best world lol. Ugliness I talk about a lot since I so conflicted. I always knew I wasn’t the Beauty Standard. I fat and I’m short. I have a weak chin and jawline. I have “droopy” eyes. I long face and I get bit of ance one and a while. I have yellow teeth. I also am a bit weird looking but also I so bland looking. I really am. I never really got compliments and I look at the mirror I think I average and once look at a photo of me and I think damn I’m kinda weird looking. Maybe I just not used to my face. I see every little detail of my face. I also thought I was just eh. But I looked looking bland so no other can bother me. But sometimes I want people to come up to me sometime you know? My friends all have friendly faces and they are pretty but I so look around theirs own insecurity and their own flaw. But so easy for me because I am me. 

I have a headache ughh

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Well I keep seeing angel numbers again and again I don’t know. I just been seeing them a lot. I’m not really spiritual and I’m wondering the meaning of them I google them, but I still don’t understand but I really hope it’s good news. I know my guarding Angel helping me guiding me through my life, which I appreciate I really am in a lot. I am really happy that my words hearing you know. it makes me wonder what’s the next couple days will look like I’m still wondering of the auditions I’ve been doing and I’m really nervous, but I was excited to see them. I’ve been rejected all the time, but I always really hope that I get accepted, at least one of them. I was saying that rejections one of the worst feeling ever, but I’m getting used to getting rejected that I’ll be surprised if I ever get accepted. I still hope I can accept it. No doubt about it, but I’m getting rejected that I expected to get rejected.

I just had some weird feeling I was scrolling through TikTok and I just discovered I don’t know how to explain like an out of body experience. Like I was in this car like daydreaming his car I’m in that I’m going somewhere fancy. Well I don’t know fancy I was just in this car you know like those black cars as celebrities go in. I was in the backseat it was just me and the driver. There was someone talking to me, but this foreign language. it was such a weird daydreaming, realizing déjà vu crap I was so too like I knew I was in my room, but the same time I was in that car. The foreign language in the video TikTok, it was such a weird experience. I wonder the meaning of that.

Today was a little boring day. I have this project for my church school. I have to talk about the Saint. His name is Saint Francisco I believe I gotta remember. he’s one of the more popular saints which I’m really happy about those easier to research but I still don’t want to research but I gotta do what I gotta. Do. You know. I finish my test and I don’t know my homework so I’m just gonna leave it as it is which sucks cause I still feeling that class. I just hope I did OK on the test. I’m so nervous for the semester ending. Also about my uncle I don’t know he’s gonna come here. I just been waiting for him. I bought him a gift so he could feel comfortable but my mom saying she doesn’t know if he’s gonna come. I really hope he does. Plus motivation to do the audition because I want to have a normal bed because back where he lives he just lives in like the tiny shack. I want him to have a normal bed at least he really has no one and I really want him to come where I live and he could take my room. my cope/goal is I get accepted for one of the auditions and I move to whatever I need to move and then he takes my room. I just want him to have a normal place to stay where he lives. It’s just so sad. my mom really cares about him and I want her to just distress and have her uncle. And I also want him to come here to have a proper food. Don’t feel depressed. Have a normal life stable normal normal life. That’s why I’ve been auditioning way more just hoping that I could get one of them and just start. if I ever become wealthy enough and becoming a singer actress, whatever I help my family you know

We’re not poor or anything we’re not. But it’s nice to have a little money you know. I promise myself that one of my friends who doesn’t really have the best condition home to give her money. Not just because she asked it’s because I want to. It’s good to give to other people you know I always think if I give kindness to someone I’ll get reverse karma something will happen to me. I think that positive mindset just helps me feel a little more relaxed. if I just give kindness to the world might get something return.

It was the day of the dead a couple days ago and I gave them a little chocolate. I hope they like it well, the relatives have. I just been very spiritual and religious couple days which is really rare for me. I’m not that religious. I’m gonna be honest with you but this last week I’ve been pretty religious and spiritual. I think those two hand-to-hand. I just have a lot of my mind. Well whatever happens.

the auditions I don’t really feel that desperate again anymore. Maybe it’s a rejection I keep getting. it really hurt your expectation. Maybe I can write more poetry. I’m not very good at it but I like writing it so I just been meaning to do it. I just kind of suck same with singing. All day I just been itchy. My legs just been so itchy. I just have a ton of bug bites throughout my legs and I’m allergic to bugs which is heavily worse. But whatever was my friends birthday. I wrote her a note I hope she likes it Well, that’s what’s going on right now. I went to my nieces birthday. That was really fun. I was watching videos of me when I was. it makes me laugh a bit because as much as as traumatizing as my childhood was, it was cute. I have very good memories. Sometimes we don’t have to think of the negative that we’ve been through positive are just as great. my dad was a heavy alcoholic during those times, but I was still a kid you know I was doing kid things I don’t have to mature so quickly. I did mature way quicker than others due to it and I used to cry about it, but that’s all in the past. I can’t just think about it become depressed about it because whatever happens happens I believe every story has written and once I’m a little older, I’ll just appreciate whatever happened to me. I know there’s so many people that are suffering way more than me and has way more trauma than me. But yeah that’s really what I’ve been up to just Chillaxing but also very stressing in college.

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Being an adult is stressful. I really don’t go out as often and I just so delulu  about life.

I really don’t, I just look at my phone I barely see my friends. Go to school eat sleep.

It a cycle I feel so fucking lost. I never did anything in life. I also have fucking jury duty and my insurance is gone.

I have nothing.

I just keep looking at the false hope and false sigh about life I have my head so far at my ass  that I all ready have nothing. 

I don’t do anything. 

I feel so worthless and I all my fault I can’t blame no one 

I am the fucking loser at your school. 

I am that fucking cat lady that fucking never had relationship.

I just feel so fucking stupid and ugly that I even think my life is worth something.

I don’t want sympathy I don’t since all my life I just did nothing. I really having a depressive episode and my anxiety is through the roof.

I feel so confused and I just want a change maybe I so fucking delusional that I think there is sigh. 

I think I am going crazy really. I have my head so far up my ass that I need to grow the fuck up

what the fuck Sarai get your shit together 

It because I am scared. I just been scared for a while. 

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I sometimes just want to cry. I can’t even look at myself at the mirror without seeing my aging marks. My redness. Ance everything. Maybe it the lights but honestly I can’t even look at myself. I check myself in the mirror and I got gross out. I never new how much Ance I had one my body or how ugly I looked I just so grows that I want to craw out my own body and burn it. Just be my own skeleton. I never thought I was bad looking. I even thought I just pretty but overall I just felt grows about myself. I can’t even look at me and see all my flaws Nothing about my is something I want.

I feel so empty and yeasterday my father laugh at my fave of me wanted to be an entertainer and talking about what nosense I was talking about. How I can’t sing or act. Hell even dance. Maybe we was right. Maybe it a fantasy that I made up in my head. Maybe it not the life it was meant for me. 

I don’t want to let go of this dream of. Mines. I know once I’m old I just will hate that I haven’t. Maybe I need to change about myself what more change does anyone want? Life is just life.

If I can have one wish it was for me to become an idols

I think that version of me will be the best version of me. 

It’s my own true with.

My only one

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Everything needs to have a balance..

Like Love my dad but sometime he kinda mean to me.

I love my mom but I don’t see her as often. 

Nothing needs to be perfect sometime they way it is, is the way it meant to be.

I do believed everything everything has meaning. I do believed that. 

The feel so down but sometimes I just want to give up. But I don’t.

I don’t know why I din’t want to give up. 

I really don’t want to. 

Because a part of me still believed in myself. Its just motives me to do something about myself. Because I just want to make something about myself. It been dragging me and my rejection just reallly fucking sucks. I sometime wish that I get that yes. I hope I get the yes. 

Because I see the sigh. I just been seeing a lot of number repeating over and over again and I just really hoping it good news. I just get nervous but I think too much. I’m scared that it going to go south or north. But I hope I hope I pass

Its my only wish. 

To finally achieved my dream.

To be a superstar 

I think I will be proud of myself

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There is days that I wasn’t me. 

There day I can achieve anything. 

I hope my life will end well. 

I don’t want o regret anything

try anything. 

Be happy. 

everyday I pray I talk and try to make my day better you know. I went to church on Saturday and I so happy that I pass two of my test! Two of them. It so good plus I finish my essay! I so proud! I going to make my goal to start one of my essay tomorrow I hope I finish it my Wednesday. I Also got paid this Friday and I also audition more. I think the good things in life. I aalso got new retainer that I needed. I haven’t spent much money and I just stay home all day. I just been okay. I okay right now. I focus on school since if I never get in I need an education. I need to do something in life. Because even if I hate my life. I need to live and move on since it so down. 

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Esleepy all dayyyy

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I havne’t been writing even I was it just short and sweet. I been busy with school. I need to locked in you know. Because I need to go to collage if I don’t well I will be fucked yeah? I was just think about well where to start. I thinking that at one point I’m going to be 30 and what I did will I regret it or will I not. I don’t want kids well not right now until im like 32 years old. My friends want them young like 24 but personally no. I think that young plus I don’t want them I won’t be a good mother. I won’t I know that in my core. I probably well hate my child honestly that why I choose to not get kids my 20s since I want to work up a career. I want to be doing something that I enjoy in life. Not taking care of a children. Once I’m ready to have kids and willing to be a mother. That when I do. I just want one. Two max I can’t have a lot. I feel I won’t give them the same love you know. Also I don’t really like the idea of getting pregnant. It take forever and I just think it a big sacrifice of a woman. When I’m ready to have kids is when I will. I’m good with kids. I know how to take of one. They are so cute and love them. Especially babies. There so small and cute and I babysit many time throw out my life. I also work with preteens and teens. I know I good at my job because I’m not fired well not yet. It just I love them but I don’t want them. Not now. I just think I will only to have them so my parents get to be grandparents. Which I don’t mind! I want them to be. But Being a parent is going to be tough and when that time comes it will come. I just hope its its not in my 20s and I’m not a baby mama. I think having kids after marriage is one of my goals but not everything in life is fair. 

I also have just been trying to get a break of everything. I think it good take breaks. I been praying a lot. But sometimes I think my pray doesn’t get answer but I know they are. I just need to be patience. That the key goal in life. Because when the time comes the time will come. I also been trying to keep a positive attitude in life. I tried since it news. I just been thinking so negative that really hurt my feelings. But keeping it positive and say thing my goals out loud makes them feel more like goals than imaginary. I hope that one day I ahive my goals. That I will been proud of my self. But I need to stop obsessing my goals. Think it going to kill me if I don’t achieved it or I’m so old that it won’t happen etc. It’s going to happen. But if it doesn’t. Life moves one. I can’t just sit here thinking my life is over. Because if one door close 20 doors will open again. It’s fine one day I will achieve it. Even if not the goal in mind. I hope it a goal that I like. 

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I took a break it more just to get out of my bubble. Not in socializing but more of my brain. I don’t really think of anything. Like my worried, auditions, school nothing. I just go to school and come back home go to work. Take a nap, eat what I see, and go to bed. I’m learning to just not care. Not care how I look not care about fucking school, and not caring about the fucking future. If I think to hard my how day is ruin. Like yesterday I was just fucking stress out since I the transcript was not working and when I wanted to do something it just fucking failing and ugh it made my whole not ruined. I didn‘t go to bed till one since I need to get up at 5:30 to go to school the next day. I just havn’t have very fun days honestly but my days were the worst in the world. Well I don’t think so. They been good expect my throat been hurting and I been a bit boogiery but I don’t feel sick strange enough. Maybe I just haven’t been drinking what and also it been cold these days and from that dry air in the morning. I just been very unmovited and very busy just in life. Since I’m getting old and I think I know what the future holds for me it just I don’t want it you know. I don’t want to be a mom and I know I will become one. I want to have a rockstar career I really do. But you got to keep hoping.

Yeah I really don’t want kids well not right now. I really don’t want them in my 20s.But it just a bit a fear of minds. Since I am getting or even I am at the age of people getting and expecting kids and husband. Well I just realize how young people get kids. But with school I been working. Not much as I want since I am not a big fan of school but good enough. Also it kinda suck since my mom wanted English classes and they only have it person and not online whitch kinda sucks. Also my mom got lost in the school whitch it a bit funny I reallly don’t know why. Also we drove to school whitch it my first time this year. I was use to just taking bus and train. That I almost forget you can drive there. I have my driver license believed it or not. I just never really like it but I kinda need it since I got to work plus everyone wanted me to get one. I failed 2 times until I got it but I was really sick and had a fever. So I think it just I wasn’t nervous since I’m no good with test. I just think it scary plus like I said I’m not good in school. Maybe its because I’m dumb lol. 

With the audition I know it trying to here. I know!! But it just something that I really want to pass and just I really do. It been something I don’t want to give up one. Well not yet. I know it a bit childish but I am still a teen even if my cousin telling me I’m “im old” It’s nine-TEEN. Teen is still in the word. But  I really don’t think I am a teen lowkey I feel more of adult than anything. But beside the point I just really want to pass at least one that kinda been wishing for and doing many things to try to get it. But only Gods know if I get it or not. I just really want it that why I talk about it a lot. It something that I care. Even other people think it’s a bit weird. Welll I don’t think I’m weird. I was when I was 16 but not anymore. I also look a but different too. But that is a different story for an other day. 

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New month and and it now it Christmas time and its the end of the year. I was very sick these couple of days and I just felt like crap that why I haven’t been writing and I just felt like crap plus this is my 2 time getting sick less then a month too well about. That sucks. I hate getting sick I really do my face get really dry too. I’m having a writer block like I write something I can’t I busy doing something but I I do have the time I just black out. That kinda funny sucks too. My life is boring I’m going to be honest I havn’t left the house since Thursday well that was thanksgiving time. Speaking of thankingiving it was good! We don’t really celebrate what people usually do We just stay home and eat a big lunch or dinner this year is it was lunch. I also was very constipated too. So my stomach hurt as well. But it whatever its fix now,  you can image the detail. But It just my family member just me my mom, aunt and my grandmother. Also my mom roommate. She a new person I met she reallly nice I also feel bad for her since she had some housing problems. My mom is really an angel she let them in our house. She live the basement with my parents and my mom other roommate. 

My mom is really is an angel   She really is she helps a lot with people, especially housing issues because the two people that are her roommates. Have housing issues to live with her in the basement. Even the basement doesn’t have a lot of room. She still sacrifice so they can have room. she’s also in the basement for family issues. I rather not say. I don’t really like talking about it. But she’s really nice. She does a really good things even a couple weeks ago I think months now she helped a person that was getting domestically abuse not physically, but mentally. She gave her a number and help her out from talking to her. She made me realize you have to take good things. I always told my mom why do you do it. She says it’s just good in nature and what you reflect to the world and I reflect you back. Well that’s why I told her she tends to be a little negative and I tried to give her more positive mindset. I always saw her but you’re doing this Angel things and she’s very Christian so I told her that what you’re doing it’s gonna get repaid  at the end. What I mean by that is that I personally want to be successful so I can give her a chance to relax, cause she did so much.

Speaking of that. It just gives me more motivation to achieve my goals. I have many reasons why I wanna achieve it. I know I talk about it making me, but it is my blog and sometimes I feel selfish talking just about me, but I’m kinda have to. It’s my blog plus, I kind of don’t really want to use real names since it’s their stories not mine their point of view it’s gonna be different than my point of view. That on track. I have very motivation why I kind of want to be famous/rich or whatever it’s more than I just want my parents to to have something to relax to be proud of me. Because I’m an only child. They only have me. While my dad has my older brother, but I personally want them to see that I could achieve  something I just really want to make them proud. A lot of people wanna make their parents proud  so it’s not that uncommon. so I want to move out or something to at least get someone a home here like a house like my uncle I was saying earlier I want him to have a place to sleep and I really want to pass my audition so I can move out or something or leave for a couple days so you can have a place to sleep or those new roommates my mom has so they don’t have to sleep in the living room but have their own room their own privacy. Also very funny, but I made a bet with my friend if I become famous by next year, she will give me money/$1000. We changed it to a meal for a couple weeks. If I don’t achieve it I have to give her a couple weeks. Everyone says that what are you doing? You’re just giving her free money. Maybe I am you know but it’s just good motivation to have it. Also I have this goal way way in the future like in my 80s or something. I wanna write a book a memoir per se. I had this idea for a while now. I want to publish a book in my 80s a memoir. And I really want a lot of people to read it since I just want to talk about a life. I lived like a legacy I have before I pass. I hope it’s in my 80s but if I ever am dying in my 40s 30s 50s etc. I still want to write the book. it’s really a goal for me because I just want to write this book to just write about how I live my life and how I growth and how I just a normal person view life. You may be asking how does that equivalent to fame. I just think if I ever achieve my goal when I am at that stage, I am some famous person. I just want something for people to remember me. That’s really it maybe for my fans, but if I never achieve it I’ll still be publishing since this will just be for my family. I’ll still open to the public of course, but it’ll just be more personal. it’ll still be personal if I ever become famous, but it’s just a different lifetime. they’ll be kind of funny that I see the two lifetime I could live in and if I ever die, I’ll ask whatever happens in the other side. Let me read the two books and see how different they are from my lives. 

of course everyone has their own goals. These are mine and I really hope that I achieve them. Everyone does I really hope everyone achieve their dreams. my depression has been very minimal. I haven’t been feeling sad or anything. I just been a pretty positive mood. Of course I have whatever attitude, but I was kind of sick most of the week. Plus I always been like that. But I really want to change it. Sometimes I regret my attitude and wanna apologize but what can I do? I already did it. But yeah that’s really about it. Nothing too spectacular. It is 1 December. It’s my favorite month. Not because of Christmas. It’s more I always like December. I always think it’s a beautiful time of year maybe because of Christmas but more of the luck and success and I don’t know. I always think it goes well for me. I don’t wanna say that I jinxed it, but I can’t redo it. Because last year I was very very sick. I had a fever. I remember because my friends went on vacation and I couldn’t go. I was really sad. speaking of friends. I don’t really see them that often really I don’t. They see each other more. They see me I joke about how I’ll see them next year which is true but speaking of friends I always wonder how they will end up in their lives. I really hope they achieve the goals they want to I really do because I love them, but I always been so curious what they want to do. Of course they told me but in general I just want to see older them. I wanna see their versions of being grandma’s. I hope we’re friends. Even when we aren’t. I became a well celebrities and they became whatever they want since I don’t really want to talk about their own goals since I rather them say it themselves then I say it. But also I kind of don’t want to spill their whole secret out, but that’s manifestation saying  out loud. I also don’t wanna say the wrong thing you know. But even then, if I achieve myself being a well-known star, and they achieve their own goals, their own business, their own happiness I wanna see that even if I’m not part of life anymore. I still wish them happiness. I still want to see their beautiful kids. I want to see their future careers. I’m just saying this alternative universe that we can’t be friends anymore. But I really hope for the best for them. I really do because we’re at that stage. We don’t know what the fuck we’re doing. But that’s the fun of it.

that’s really about it. I’ll probably write tomorrow next year who knows. 

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I haven’t read my emails. I know I should it just I’m kinda scared to open them. It just I want to pass at least one of them and opening it it just going to be nothing but just Walmart DoorDash etc. I keep my hope up but it just those unimportant emails. I list really want to pass just are least one of them. The clock is ticking soon or later it’s over. Maybe I just need to get my mind off of things and stop being anger and worried all the time.

My mom told me that there is many other things to be worried about. I was building the trees and the lights are not being my friends. They were not going my way and nothing was going my way at all. I was just cussing out the tree likes it was there fault. I was so frustrated that I couldn’t do anything alone. Let alone build a tree. A small one from that. My mom got anger to me saying that your getting frustrated over some lights? There is so much other things to but your engary in. She right. Why did I get so frustrated over lights. It just my anxiety is throw the roof. I get so work up over things not going to plan. Maybe it’s my selfish and greed or just my anxiety of doing things. I get to nervous of going out and looking dumb because that what people think of me. I was never bullied the only bully  is my mind. I am my bully. I made fun of myself call myself ugly an getting frustrated over the little things. I get so work up that it goes 1 to 100 so fast. I throw way too much time since I’m scared what other think. Since the end of the day Sarai no one cares. That the realize I made. Nobody cares what you do. They have their own story, own interests, own trauma that they worried over the dumb things they done. I wish my other mind think this since I am scared. I feel so down on myself that I just wish I was prefect or at least above average. But I’m not and the reality of it. I compared  myself to people so much that I judge every little thing I can’t do. I loose the sicks that I can do. That the scary part. I just need to breath and once I finish ranting and taking away the anxiety out of my I can start over. Just breath. Your fine. Your going to be fine. Your fine Sarai. 

Sometimes life sucks and sometimes you just feel like nothing is going your way. But everything is going to be find if you hyper focused on the negative of life. It just going to negative. Even if you did so many bad things, so many unluckyness, have so much regret. It sometimes the best to let go and move on. Your going to just get emails from Walmart or DoorDash and maybe get emails of saying if you use this code you get a good 10% if a random shop you get. Or even the ones you get annoyed by a lot the Nico school ones. Said  you got limited day to sigh up and apply for the school. Or the ones of getting new plushy on bt21. There cute but not really my thing anymore.  It going to be the same old things. But who knows it could be your aduition for SM or an audition saying congratulations you done it you can go on the next round. That will be awesome. Really it would. But keep finishing your senmenster strong. 

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I finish my project! I really nevours I stumbled my words a lot but I’m happy I’m done with it! I think it well she smile a lot and I cracked jokes here and there. But it a good milestone for me since I do get anxious doing it but everyone does. I’m not super good with new people but I think I did well. Good job Sarai its over. Plus everyone’s was pretty good. I’m use to people having crappy ones but there much more better. I was like “woah people tried and pass it on time” no offense towards them I’m pretty there doing much better in there collages. People love collage. Not me but a lot do. The semester ending soon. This is my last project for this class. I’m going to be honest I was nervous for this project but it was much easier than I thought it will be. I’m proud of my writing too! I hope I get a good grade! I’m in a good mood plus I told m mom I’ll check my audition. I’m still nevours and I part of my think it just going to be spam emails from Walmart the DoorDash I been ordering. But also it can be the audition. I hope it is I’m going to check it once I get home. I get to get home soon since I need to take care of my grandmother. She really sick and I’m not much of a care giver but I think it going to be fine. She most likely going to hit me and yell at my face. But I’m use to that. She always been like that. It not she abusive but it her dementia. She one of the worst case. She can’t walk and she can’t really walk. It really see the progress of it but end of the day she is my grandmother. Plus even I’m her favorite out of the grandchildren I’m the one takes care of her. I know her the best! 

I hope the rest of day goes well! I really do. I’m in a very good mood!

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I did very well!! I’m so proud! Plus she told me I have a few grammar errors here and there and over all she loved it she said my analysis was very good! Ugh I’m so happy. I nervous for this project but I did a great job. I have an other essay to write plus I got math hw. But just I’m very happy. Since I got one class done I got 4 more to go! But I’m running late. I got to take care of my grandma and the class end very late so I’m a bit of a hurry but I try to see my email today! I got to! I just hope my grandma is good today! She can be a hard to take care of. Plus she isn’t those nice grandma she never was. Always so anger but she still my grandma and still my baby girl! I like to treat her like my daughter because laugh at my joke and has a child like mind. Fun how life come to a full circle okay I got to stop writing I’m at a subway and it freezing outside!!!

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I been just normal nothing bad or good but mostly good if I can be him est. I’m happy that my friend is helping edit my paper I love her for that. I have to work today whitch sicks since I’m not really a big fan of the type of work I have to work today. But the kid is a nice one and help me to cover a couple of my shift which it really nice of him! So when he got injured and told me to cover it I will do it. Since it the right thing to do. It not about the money but more I want him to recover since it seems like a bad injured. But yeah I’m working today.But you got to do what you got to do . I going to class it one my longer ones 2-3 hours of just sitting whitch does sound to fun but the teacher is very nice at least plus no homework! Well kinda but a good in my books next week is my last week of the semester so I’m happy about that. I haven’t seen my emails yet. I’m going to be honest I was a bit lazy lol plus I was taking care of my grandmother. 

Speaking of grandmother. I took care of her with a family friend. It went well! She was on her nice behavior and I really pump for that. I checked my email nothing. Some old junk shit. Plus my work schedule. But its whatever you can’t hope to much. That I see it. Its okay. But yeah I had to head soon tho I got class and plus I read a fic today and I just had to worst second hand embarrassment that I had to stop, its so bad. I thinking can’t finish  it anymore. I’m still cringing it. He was getting tested and saying “We can have butt stuff” without knowing his friends are there. Ugh that just I think I’ll drop it. It’s really good writing it just made me log off and me do something else that how bad it is. But it’s okay just give me a couple of hours. Or days... Maybe a year actually I don’t know. I feel so fucking bad. Omg I really do. It that bad that even if it fiction I just cringe that I was in the room when he said all that. I can’t imagine being in that situation. I think I will just die right there. Or never show my face to my friends ever. Or move to a different planet. 

It it still a fictional story so thank God it not real but it can be a real situation and that how I cringe with it. It just such an awkward seen but over all good fic! But yeah I have to get going wish my luck! For anything really… 

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Today was boring I haven’t done my homework that I should done but what could I do. I was home alone day. I like just being by self. Maybe I just like how I don’t do anything. That sounds like a good life in my opinion just leaving and doing nothing.But I take care of my grandmother for a bit plus tonight I’m sleeping with new roommates. Gosh I wish I can give them my room but I can’t I kinda need it. But I made there bed for them. I gave them the most fluffy blanket since it gets cold easily. The husband is the living room and the wife is the room .I use to sleeping with stranger well almost stranger. They need a place my mom invented them to our home. When I was a kid my mom had a roommate. We shared a room. She lived with us to have a place. Her kids lived in the basement. And then my cousins lived downstairs so got a place to live while they get there get enough money to move out. Now we got a woman that rented a room at the basement. She my mom friend and then the couple who I believed live with us. I think they are going to say at the basement living room and then my uncle coming too. He really sick. The reason I want to move out to have my room rented. So more people can stay since it getting very cold out. Even if we had a very small house. We really do have a small home. It’s 2 bedroom house. She made a room for my grandmother and aunt since they need time to take care of her. Even if our house is small we got to help people. Fun fact when my grandparents, aunt and cousin use to come here for vacation every summer and winter their it my house they stay at.  

When I’m older I do the same. Everyone deserves to have at least a eat and warmth. Since it’s a dangerous world. Even if I became famous. I’ll help out. Maybe be a little concerned since I become a big name but I still help put anyone. I like to say mi casa es tu casa. Because it good to help people out. Even a short time. It help people to get the foot up and move out and do better. That how my mom see its and that how I see it to. I told her that I give her everything in this world for her. Once I become famous or something I’ll help organize a charity for the homeless and help talk about the tabu of abusing alcohol plus helping the elderly. Since those thing have been big  things in life. 

I love my parents and it a long toile when I said that. We as a family had a rocky start we do. I kinda really don’t want to say it since it still kinda effect me till this day. Even if I say doesn’t it kinda does. Even thinking about makes me very sad.. But I’ll be strong  enough to say it out loud. Maybe I need to go to therapy. But I kinda really don’t sometimes I think I haven’t been there bad trauma. My life has been my life. Not you ideal life. My mom said she kinda regrets giving me the childhood I had. But I told her it’s fine. I’m here and if that haven’t happen I wouldn’t been me. I think I said too much. I lowkwy kinda regrets giving saying too much since I don’t want to throw anyone under the bus plus karma I could be facing. I don’t want to think my life has been hard. It hasn’t. I have many foud memories than bads ones. I remember my grandpa he was nice. I like to think if still alive he will be fly across the world. He would have been in Japan right now. With my grandmother. I think he would make an album or something. I think my grandmother been very healthy still mean but healthy at least. She would been making bread. I also travel to my home country with my grandparents for a couple of month due to my mom work plus to connect my culture. I personally don’t remember but I wish I did. They told me I had a great time there. I privilege enough to have the life I have. 

Maybe it okay to think it okay. I got to get to bed soon. Bed I mean reading fanfic till 1 in the morning. But I got Churxh school tomorrow. Yes I know an 19 year going to church school. It was covid time okay I couldn’t finish it lol. It kinda forced me to me but I like it. It help me learn a new language.  Plus it going make my mom proud. She very religious not really my dad. He get proud more of my schooling and workout. He want me to achieve great things. My mom wants me to be happy. Both my parents say that a lot I notice. They also tell me “are you happy?” And say “are you happy that I’m your mom/dad.” I am happy there my parents. I wouldn’t trade the word. Since they did so much for me. They really did. I only child. Plus my dad didn’t have a change to take are of his son. I am happy there my parents. I can tell they regret many things. But I told them it fine. Life isn’t ment to be perfect. There is not prefect parent. But it to care and provide your child whitch I love. I love them and I can say that with confidence a couple years ago I couldn’t. Child me will been watch YouTube videos of family box and fantasize me being in it. Apart of there “normal” family. But now I would change it. I happy there my mom and dad. 

I love you mom and dad. 

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I had a bagel today after class. 

I went home to get one it came with out cream cheese. I started to cry. Something snap in me. I stared to hate myself. I stared at mirriw and hating everything about me. I just seen ever since thing just makes me so piss off. I feel so fucking ugly. I gain weight. I see my jaw going way did I even had one in the first place. I have a crime in my back. Every clothing I wore just fit too tight. I never felt so big. I am eating too much I am. I just feel so bad I think I can have anything right. I felt that bagel is ment to me to loose weight. I am getting big. It took so long to realize. I did tried but I haven’t tried hard enough. 

I feel so ugly I don’t’t want to leave the house

 I don’t want go to the movies. I hope I can be pretty. I fucking hate how I look. I just feel so much of a blob I wish my boobs are smaller. My arms smaller. My eyes change. Have fuller hair. Have a longer torso or anything. I want to rip off the fat off my bones. I want to rip off my hair to make it filler. I want to rip my back and arms. I wish my posture was better. I want to be small. I want no one to look at me. Because they will look over disgust.

I don’t want no one to look at me. I rember seeing myself so fucking fat. I look at my legs and arms and back. My face looked so big. How can anyone even bared to look at me. All this over a fucking bagel. I need to stop. I hate that I get so fucking depression over a little things that happen in life. I sometimes just scream. I hate it I fucking hate it. My friends are going to the movies I don’t want to go. I can’;t even stand me. I hate hate hate how I feel. 

I wish I can be normal just thinking myself. I seen so many beautiful at the station. So many skinny people in the train station. I also envy it. I want them know they ae beautiful. Yes there is times I feel pretty. I am human of course. But a little voice in my head say. That not how you look. That how you want to look. Your are ugly. Good luck Sarai you fat ugly pig hump back bitch. I can’t even see a photo of me. I 19 God damn it. Why Do I feel like an insecure 15 year old. I fucking hate myself. I hate how mean I can be of myself. I wish I just wake up in a different body, a different world, a different me. To restart. I don;t know how to. I’m going to end up of these woman will never get the rings. I never really care for it but there is times. I wish I could have have young love. I never even held hands with someone. I never seen love in my life. Yes I have family friends even if I have 3. But these times like these I wish I did. Maybe I could feel pretty once. I wish I could be as skinny tree. I will have a cycle of a life that I so scared of. Maybe I could be so just fucking stop. 

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I know I wrote something bad yeasterday ig was a really bad day. I just frustrated how I look. I’m feeling better now. Well kinda since the weather is so bad. I hate the rain. The couple came today! They are doing laundry and helping taking care of my grandma. They told us how the weather here sucks. There right lol.  One of my friend is going to Egypt. Today has heavy rain so I hope she doing well. I really do. I hope she have fun too. I went with the movies with her and our friend group. We went to saw Moana if was nice. I  kinda didn’t want to go at first but I got to go outside lol. At least it didn’t rain. I feeling better I got to go to taekwondo today tho. Fun fact I been doing it since five! I stope in middle school but continue in sophomore year. I’m a back belt. 

my parents are doing good I’m glad. I haven’t seen them since Monday tho. But I know doing a okay! My aunt went to the doctor today.i hope good news. Ugh I hate the rain, but can’t do anything about it. My mom said it rain due to God crying. I think that way. Like I did something that break there heart. I’m going to bed now. Well I got to do homework too but now if bed time, 

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My stomach hurts. It been killing me since yeasterday. I think it from my body tellling me that you should love yourself more. It been very ugh it just hurts. But this morning I lost my card for the train. It sucks I had to pay with cash. I know I can do it on the phone card thing but I’m a boomer I rather have it on my train card. I thought I had it I felt it in my pocket. But When I was getting to the bus. It just gone. I think it feel when I was walking whitch is bad luck for me. It made me in sour mood. But I told myself just to relax. Why are you stressing it something that everyone face. Plus it not my first time it my second. I was just frustrated. But calm, calm down. I’m tried but I got class. I couldn’t sleep last night to well. Well it just I wasn’t tried but I was thinking. Think what am I doing. I feel like I need to get my own mind out of the gutter. 

But I’m chilling now. I always wanted to be an artist. From drawing, writing, singing, acting. Anything creative. I always been good with it. I just feel it won’t be a stable income. That was I was thinking through the bus and during my sleep. How I am going to do it. If God gave me a chance. How will I use it. It a gamble. It going to be hard. It is. There is billions of people how want the same dreams what makes the diffrents from me. Or the people who actually achieve it. Why them and not me? Why me and not them? One of my favorite speeches is Angelica Jolie Speech in the Oscar 2013. There is always going to be a better person who’s more talented, who’s nicer, who’s more beautiful. But she lived in war, she does not have the privileges of going to live on her own dreams. 

Even if there is times I feel depressed of getting rejected of my own auditions, my failure to to pass. I faulted to look how much privilege I do have. I really like this speech and I really like Angelica  Jolie in general. But it always stack with me. And no remembering the speech I can see this in a different view. 

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My mom said that my dad is showing early sigh of dementia.

It made me really said since my mom is showing sigh as well of forgeting things. It scary seeing your parents getting older. Both of my parents are. They had me later in life so in their words “giving me a better life” that why I don’t have any siblings. Well I do kinda but we both lived in different worlds. But I was raised as an only child. But my parents are in the older side of life and hearing the demtia scared me since my grandmother has it. I get really said, But they want to go back to their old hometown. Their country. I give it to them give me more montevation. I want to grant their wish. When if they did became sick or not. I want them to have good fortune, health, happiness so they don’t end up like my grandmother. I want them to proud if what their own child became. I always been worried things will never go my way. Sometime they don’t and sometimes they do. I just hope they go my way. In the near future. 

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I feel so bloated and chubby. I ate a lot these couple of days I pretty sure I gain weight I going to the doctor tmr I kinda scared what they will say on the scale that everyone worst nightmare. I need to poop too but I just constipated. I just feel so full. Ugh I need to stop eating too much I think I’m going to stare a diet tomorrow so I get a little wight off. I need it. Also my aunt went missing I really been consider since she been missing since the 13. I hope she get home sooner than later. Plus she has early stage of Alzheimer which I always get very sad with. I just hope she come back soon. Also I finish my quiz and editing my essay I need to do the cites and I will be done! Than no more school! And I can focus what I really enjoy! I haven’t heard anything from the audition but just same old news. I think I’m going to give it up now even if going to hurt. It just been ratio silent since February nothing and for how I been doing it it just feeling like a waste of time. But the same time I just think one of them will give me a shot. It a gamble really like you want it so bad and it been edging y9ou so long and once it been going so long you feel so out of it. Like you don’t want it anymore. You just to give it up I really don’t but a part if me just think it time to give it up all ready. It like you tried Sarai maybe this life it not for you. But a part of me wants it so bad that I even pray for it everyday. I go one my knees and beg God or anyone really to just give it me a shot but only time will tell. Something aren’t ment for someone.

But I just getting worried for my aunt really she been missing since Friday and I just hope she gets home sooner than later. My mom visited my uncle to talk to him and give him comfort since he been very sad and depressed lately. But I just hope she is safe it been all over facebook. I hope she doing well. The couple came today well they sleepover this Saturday I gave them my blanket and pillow for the night. The guy was visiting his brother I believed and how he was dying and hope to dye back to his home country. I just felt sad really that guy brother is only 45 I never meet him personally hell I didn’t know the the guy well either he just one of my “roommates” but it sad to see. How much you take granted in life really. I just said to see. It remind of my own parents wishes if they ever going to day or get sick let them go back to their home country. I will do it of course it there wish. I will do anything really. It give me more motivation to pass an audition that why it so hard for me to let go even if I doubt a lot. It just a part of me hopes. Like a wishing star I know it childish but I hope under a wish star if I ever become famous and live the dream I want I will help my parents. I will help my grandmother and aunt. The couple I barley know. MY aunts uncle anyone. Even my friends since they are important to me. I will do anything. I know it a bit childish but sometimes it good to hope and dream close your eyes and just wish. But I always think life has meaning. It always does! 

I still need to poop lol.

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My mom once said “sorry that I gave you this life.” It suck with me for so long I was a kid at the time it was the pick of my dad mental illness he was drinking everyday and once I found him pass outt in the living room. It hard to talk about it I kinda wish it never happen. I just feel so sad about every time I think about. I one time I just cried because I know my dad is drinking during school. I hate thinking about since it it is the past my dad has change our relationship has change a lot. He has a job and he back to healthy now but a back of me head is scared that he might replaced and it freak me out a lot. But I love my dad and how much he has change. I love him even if took time. 

Maybe that why I hate beans and eggs. My dad gave me it everyday and I had so long and just give me sad memory or I just ate it a lot it goes either or. My dad truly loves me I know that and I should say I love you more. 

I love you dad. 

I love you sorry I don’t say it often. 

My grandfather sister came today to visited today she came and pray with my aunt but grandmother was bothering a lot today she was having a bad day. I stress me out a lot. My mom is stress since they haven’t found my aunt yet. I am getting worried. I really hope she warm or have shelter whatever she at. I hope she get back soon my mom and a lot of people have been trying to find her. It been not the best time in my family in the moment. I still seeing a lot of repeating number every where especially 1 I hope it just good news coming. I just been a bad mood I just want everyone to be safe. My friend is in Africa right now that good news I hope she having fun. I haven’t seen my friends in a bit lowkey. I seen them last tuedays? Not sure. 

Oh I just rember I do have good news I finish my sesmter for real this time I pass in my last work today! I have so much worried that I forgot I had this news. Sometime you got to appreciate the little stuff. 

That my grandpa sister told me that I am a very nice lady I don’t know why it made me happy. I think I am nice. Well I hope. 

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I been a bit busy lol. 

But on a break from work and school since it winter vacation and I get paid next week I’m excited. Also my friend got promoted and I so happy for her she going to be paid way more I’m very happy for her. It good news for a bad week since my aunt been missing for little over a week a part of me id worried that see may be dead but I hope not. It been stressing out the whole family with Christmas around the corner. I just very worried for her I just hope she in a hospital. A entail hospital since that were my dad went when he was missing. I just hope it that case. Not rooming around the streets since it freezing outside and it been snowing. I been busy and haven’t checking my mail I should loll but it usually junk but who know it might be treasure. But that really it it just work talking care my grandmother and sleep and finish my school work plus my taekwondo. Plus the stress with my aunt missing. I hope it a good day tmr. I hopeeeeee.

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One day I don’t know what. One dayyyyyyy 

The day could be tomorrow. 

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Merry Christmas! 

I didn’t do much at all lol. I kinda stay home we can’t do anything with my grandma achally plus this end of year wasn’t the best. But keeping a positive attitude is the best solution. I try my best a part of me wants to go out but I can’t dwell due to my grandmother she always going to be top priority. It kinda suck but hey nothing to complain if you get presents whitch I did! I got PJ set that I am wearing, new headphones that I really needed, and money! Even if it little I didn’t expect to get anything this year since were not going out parting you know. So I am greatful for the gift. I just happy that I gotten something than nothing. But I do feel bad since we haven’t gotten gift for anyone YET. We’re getting them tomorrow so it can come before 3 kings day on Jan 6. Ugh I’m hoping 2025 is going to be my year. I really hope maybe idk. Oh today we drop off food for my uncle who’s having a hard time with his family ever since his wife was missing. He gave me a big hug and big smooch. I kinda thought he thought I was younger lol because I am on the shorter end but also he been very depressed these couple of days and my mom and her sister had been helping him. 

I hope next Christmas will be better but I don’t hope to high. Disappointed will always come. Gosh that kinda depressing. But I got to keep a positive mind. I think to much of what the future holds but I just scared dude. I scared of what will I become. I am old my time is going to end sooner or later but I got to enjoy while it last. Enough with that it going to affect my brain. My dad had a good Christmas he went out with his family and even had matching PJ with the I saw the photos they were cute. y mom bought matching shirt for her and I. I wrote it since I thought it as cute. I wanted to hang out with a friend today but she got a bit sick a part if just think she didn’t want to hang out I wouldn’t blame her lol sometimes you just don’t ant to do anything but she did gotten sick but she feeling much better because she woken around 3 pm. 

But Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays whatever fit your boat.

If your reading this you get 3 years of good luck.

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I had a sleepover with my friend on the 26. She told me that I need think to low of myself and not the first time hearing this. I just so use to think I don’t deserve anything since I didn’t work for it. I just always been below average. Every skill in the world I have tried I been below average. I never been average at best. I don’t have a gifted talent. Even if I tried nothing will be good. No writing this I see  friends point now. I need to change my mindset and plus I really had a seem deep conversation about our hope for the future but it ended with me trying to stick me toes to her  nose. I know what she  hopes. To make her dad proud one day one she finish collage and get her job. How she want to get married and have kids. I hope this destiny she wants will find her way. I hope everyone does. I know it not realistic and God know how many rapper there can be. But good to have a goal in mind. I wish the best for her I really do she a great person and she lived a trouble life. It only the best she get what she wants. I hope she does you know and once I will be 34 and her 33 we lived the life we don’t regret. 

It almost new year I kinda wish the end all ready I hated 2024 honestly but It good to let go. 

2025 here we comeeeeee

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Last day of the year! There is many bad memories 2024 but there also great ones to. I hope 2025 is a good year and bring us many good things will happen. I hope I achieve many goals I like. One of my goal is to loos like 5 pound that really it. Also to audition and live the dream I want. I also wish my aunt to come back home. Also to get a new pricing I want to have a helix. Also take care of my face I been breaking out and more importantly to get out more. To experience more what life offer that main goals. I hope that the new year give me that fortune.

happy new year! See ya next year!!

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If I ever met God. I would ask a couple questions. 

What the mean meaning of the universe? 

Why there so much uncertainty about of you?

Why there so many religions are any of the right?

I talk to my Virgin Mary every night when I can’t sleep when ever I question my self and ask questions. I don’t know if she listion or not I like to pretend she does. I sometimes just wish I can have a conversation with her or God or my dead relatives. I thought of something earlier when I was talking a shower if God made me chose what will happen in my own destiny I will ask to move out home and become a K-pop idol and have my mom uncle with them and he can take my room and rest easy or have the roommates take my room and I live of as a trainee and then become famous and with the money I have give my parents and once there older I will move them back to El Salvador so they can rest when there Elderly. That will be my prefect world and If I ever meet God or Virgin Mary I ask for that. I also day dream if my grnadfather was still alive he and my grandma will be traving to Japan. I think it a funny alternative universe I think about that a lot. I also wonder what God be doing I am one of billion of people in this timeline. I also want to dream about it but it never happen. I think maybe they don’t want to talk to me or They think I kinda weird thinking like that. I not sure. I also want to talk to them. In death or in dream. 

If I die and they come up to me and ask what I regret. I probably respond I kinda wish I firgure skated young I also think I could have been good. I son’s know why it just a huge gut feeling. I do taekwondo I think I’m good but honestly I just think I below average just like every other thing. Maybe I am below average in figure skating. But I could have been a skater in my past life.But I also want I want to die at pease and did something I am proud and a life I can look back on when I am 80 and say I may not had everything but I am proud of myself unless I get dementia and die homeless. There many alternative of my outcome. Maybe if I ever talk to him ask him many things many questions many wishes. He probably think some of my questions will be stupid but that apart of learning. 

I couldn’t sleep last night from the huge win it was ugh it was bad. I had to ask my dad at 4 in the morning I couldn’t sleep until 4! I felt like my friend. Also I had a team meeting it was boring but nice. It was fun we had Chinese and my dad wanted Chinese and so I took some noodles home and I had to go to taekwondo today as well. It was fun well kinda I really didn’t want to go but I was force by my dad. 

I also so my friend boyfriend today and felt a little sad for some reason. I not jealous of there relationship but a part of me kinda want someone you know a relationship I never had one ever. Dude I never even had a situationship or no boys even talk to me like ever. A part of brain told me “Sarai you know you’re 19 and you never even been on a date. You are going to end up with no one.” I just felt like a failure maybe I do want someone and I read a lot of love story. Maybe one day but I been saying that since 13. Damn I even made myself cry writing it. I would love to enjoy the feeling of love and I would love to know the feeling of a heartbreak. It such a different world I live. I see couples online and in person maybe I just low confidence and ugly and fat. I am those things. If I ever show my face a lot of people are going to react like dream when he show it. I felt kinda bad for him. 

Maybe I’ll ask God that. 

Chapter Text

What ever happens, happen.

every little thing is so impotent sometimes you need to face your own fear. I fear once I open those god emails is just going to be junk and not you know the audition I so want. I pray and ask begging but I not sure anymore. 

I believed the path I take as a difficult one. I think these days are the most importent days. One day I will wake up and just become a super star. I. Went to dinner the other day and I just day dream that I was a celeb that eating out a fancy restaurant. I just to pussy about it.

FUCK!!!!!!11

I just don’t know dude ugh I just fucking scared that I’m old now or just untalented or just ugly or.

 I worried to much way to much fuck I need to check them I really do. 

Chapter Text

I’ve been a bit busy these couple days I went to a funeral again I made a joke with my friends that I’ve been to more funerals these last couple months and I ever been in my life. I think I went to a good 5 to 6 funerals in my lifetime. Feelings are not really the best at the moment, but you guys should respect somehow this time I didn’t know who was dying. It was some person from my mom‘s village. I purposely felt sad because of course who likes going to funerals. I just been doing nothing honestly I went to a restaurant with my friends yesterday. It was fun, but we had an incident that it had pork in one of the food and it kind of ruined the whole experience if it was bad, but I kind of ruined the whole thing.

Well at the funeral yesterday, I saw this woman she looked around my age. I’m gonna assume she’s a couple years older. She was tall skinny, pretty everything the opposite of me. She could’ve been a model and we’re both the same race. I don’t know when I looked at her. I was like damn she’s so pretty kind of wish I was that pretty but I can’t really change how I look. I’m gonna be a little short, chubby, ugly woman for the rest of my life. am I in your own beauty is a challenge isn’t it? I think of my beauty I’m like I look ugly. Never been photogenic, I don’t know. I look so different in cameras. I look at the mirror like I’m a whole new purse type of difference. I truly don’t know what I look like, but I know I’m kinda ugly. I never really got compliments so probably I am. Cause, I never been a relationship or had cycling or any sorts. no person ever approached me like that that kinda makes me sad but what can I do about it. as a kid I used to daydream of someone approaching me saying can you have my number or anything like that? That’ll be such a nice thing I kind of want that to happen in my life, but I don’t think it’s gonna happen. Maybe I’ll just negative energies making the universe saying you don’t deserve that test if you keep pushing yourself to this insecurity of yours, but it’s kinda hard to communicate communicate with the universe or even God sometimes. I used to pray and pray and I feel like my praise or not answer, but I don’t know it’s like this one-way conversation I have with him I think he listens to it. I hope he does. I always ask for sign but I don’t get any. Maybe I just have a childish for of a religion in the universe but I prefer showing a childish view because that’s how I view religion. Religion, something to support you you don’t have to make your life around religion because the end of day who knows but religions give some sort of comfort and I like to be religious like that. I won’t around my world religion. It’ll help me guide in my life. We all sin believe it or not we’re all not perfect. But sometimes religion made me wonder why do I have this particular life and I was doing so much better than me or someone doing so much worse than me that I don’t get and maybe a conversation I will have to God once I’m dead. Speaking of death. I told my friends if I ever die I want to be cremated you know put me in the box throwing the ocean. I don’t really wanna get buried but who knows gonna happen once I’m dead. I’m not here. I’ll be living my life in heaven or reincarnated of a new life. I could’ve been a man my next life. But I’m not sure what’s gonna happen afterwards I know I’m not gonna go to hell I’m not the worst person ever. I’m not Hitler you know and I didn’t really do anything bad per se. I’m a pretty nice person. Maybe it’s just my narcissist is talking, but I’ve been told I’m pretty nice. But I just have low self-confidence that I can’t really see myself as a good person. You know I’m not perfect. I know that but a part of me just wants to be so perfect in everything that I hate feeling that’s why I don’t really do check my emails because I just feel like I’m just wasting my time. But a life that it’s just around family having kids being a house life is not a life I want. I feel like if I lived that life it’s not gonna end smoothly. I just can’t imagine that life if I do end up that life, I don’t know what to do I just feel like I wasted a potential that I could have. I have so many things I want to do and so little time of this universe. Hell, I don’t even know what’s gonna happen in the next day. I know it’s gonna happen. I’ll be laying in my bed all day and go to karate i’ve been doing that since 2020. My life is just a full circle that never ends and I feel like I want a big change in my life, but no change have the opportunity through me. I asked this opportunity to have it, but I never get the opportunity. It’s just so frustrating but what can I really do about it. Only God knows my destiny and it’s hard to control the life is. If I could control my destiny like I said, I would’ve been a K-pop Idol, who is wealthy become an activist on the side helping my parents retired and having my room rented and having my parents live in their final lives in home country. That’s the perfect life for me, but I don’t know what’s the features get a hold for me. I really hope it isn’t too bad you know like I become a drug addict and living in a house or an unhappy marriage or I got into a relationship in a relationship it’s abusive or I got raped. There’s so many negative things could happen in my future cause I’m still pretty young but there’s so many positive things that could have in my future that I hope happens. I hope I get married and I hope I become famous or I hope I become wealthy enough being in the cover of magazine, but I feel like everyone wants that destiny do they. maybe that’s why I really like the movie. I don’t remember really called. I think it’s called everything all at once. Something like that it’s one of my favorite movies. I really like the topic of different realities. In every little decision we ever made affects our own destiny in the own reality we live in. That’s why I really love the movie and I really related to the main character, especially my mother because we’re both not perfect people and we both are stressed out the life we live in. For her. It’s doing taxes and running a laundry business for me. It’s taking care of my grandmother and working with kids. We both want something big in our lives or something that change our life. Something will be proud of, but it never happens. I don’t quite remember it was hers. I think it was more like expanding her more business and seeing the different possibilities of the world for me it’s more becoming a super popular celebrity and becoming pretty wealthy. But nothing in our lives since that way it’s more for fantasy. I personally think God doesn’t want me there but it’s a challenge between me and him I beg for it and he thinks maybe not this lifetime I’ll still keep trying, but I’m getting up there in the age and I have no real true talent well, I don’t think I do. I don’t know I really don’t know I hope but every day it just feels like I’m just wasting the time you know, no one calls me no one emails me every time I’m open. The goddamn email is just junk or I open my phone to see people come. No one calls me just my parents. Fuck dude I don’t know it’s just a battle between me and God or me in the universe or whoever the universe wants doesn’t want me, but I want it. a part of me. I am kind of dreadful of what the life I live in why I die tomorrow or what happened if I do just end up being a housewife of a loveless marriage I don’t know what the future holds for me and I really really wish I could just peek through it. The only time actually saw a peek through it. Is this dream I had as a kid.

I don’t remember much of that dream but I saw a future version of me. I had a short hair. I was kind of thin, not too thin. I just look older and I was wearing like a business suit like you know those type of business outfits that people usually wear. Like I had a blazer a bottom I’m shirt and like these somewhat tight pants like dressing pants. But the color was yellow, the dressy plants and the blazer. I just had shorter hair those pitch black. And I saw her outside of my window. She just looked at me and I looked back. I don’t remember what she looked like. I wish I did, but I don’t. But I just seen an older version of me. I think I was around eight at that time. I just been worrying about the future for so long haven’t I. I personally don’t like talking about suicide, but I did try to commit it when I was 10 long story I don’t wanna go through it. But I tried because I was so scared. What’s gonna happen in my future I’m so scared of failure that I can’t face my insecurities and it’s just a strong battle that I have insecurities. Just have the best of me. I’m the most insecure person I know. I hate how I look. I don’t like my arms. I don’t like my intelligence. I think I’m the dumbest person in the world. I just been so below average and no one really compliments me that I just feel ehh about myself. I have a strong struggle of my identity. I draw myself a lot and I just can’t picture myself as a person just a character. Maybe the complex I have growing up a flex how I am as a person because I don’t think I’m a horrible person or but I don’t think I’m the best person in the world. I’m just a person who’s going through life just as any other person. Life is meant to be difficult. That’s what I believe in. I’m not saying my life was the most difficult in the world. It wasn’t. I haven’t had a big traumatic thing happen in my life. I have no privilege of saying my life was hard because it wasn’t I lived in a perfect house And I have family that loves me and our friends. I don’t know why I just feel so like a failure in life maybe all the fail edition I did maybe it’s just a concept battle between what I want and what I think is gonna happen cause I didn’t want to go to college I wanted to move out and do the auditions, but I can’t really do that. I just beg and beg, but I don’t know. I don’t wanna give up I don’t but a part of me just feel like I need to give up. I think my life is meant to be lonely to feel like a failure all the time just to be sad every time. I don’t want that. I just want to be a bubbly person and they did change a lot from personality wise, but a part of me is still that 13-year-old edgy chick. I wish that I look back when I’m 80 years old without dementia, of course and being OK how my life and to be grateful how my life is gonna end how I live my life as a person that supposed to live their life. And once I close my eyes and I see God or whoever I’ll tell them my story and tell them how I experience life I just wanna communicate whoever is gonna take me to whatever destination I’m supposed to go.

Maybe I’m OK of dying at any point but at this point not really cause I feel like I have to have my full potential you know maybe this is my full potential. Maybe this version of me is the fullest I could be. But I wish I didn’t many things as a kid but what can I do about it. My cousin been a little depressed this couple days and I see a lot of him of me because at 16, I was strawberry had a lot of acne. I didn’t have much friends. My friend was a heavy drinker. Well smoker I believe I don’t remember my other friends were closer to each other than I am, which is normal. I’m not gonna hit on them on that of course that’s about our life. People are a little closer than others. But I just feel kind of stuck you know and that’s how kids develop depression pretty easily. We live very similar as only children, our parents work all the time we didn’t really have much to do. Just look at our phone all day hell that’s what I even do till this point. I just wanna go out and explore the world offer me, but I just feel stuck in the middle because I can’t really do that at this moment. And I see him a lot through that line we both grew up pretty similar and we both understand. I don’t know what I’m going with this, but I didn’t saying that I could see what’s and why he’s just depressed. I told my mom the best solution is him just hang out with his friends because my friend it really saved me. I love my friends. They’re the nicest people ever even though. I only have three at this point I still love the friends. I had a long run, even though our relationship was pretty short lift.

well that’s really much shit. I don’t know what else to talk about. Oh I do know my friend came back from vacation. Finally I kind of miss her. But she said she miss America and I kinda don’t care. I understand why but maybe I just didn’t travel enough to understand. she was in different countries for a couple of weeks a month even and she just missed home. I understand that cause I did travel for a week without family or just with a bunch of strangers. It was really fun. Actually I did kind of miss home, but I just don’t really have anyone to talk to except for this one older person she was a senior at the time when I was a sophomore. She was the nicest person ever. She really helped me get just at least one friend throughout this whole trip, I was really quiet and introverted. I didn’t really have much in common with my classmates. It’s not like I’m a little weird or anything. It’s just more. I was just a little quiet. But I don’t know she was really nice and I do really miss her. I really hope she’s doing well in her life. I found her Instagram but she was a post. Well I really wrote a lot today, but I have so much in my mind and I’m still thinking of that audition auditions running through my whole world isn’t it I gotta go. It’s getting late. It’s 12 now. I’m really having a horse sleep schedule, but I gotta fix it sooner or later not today, though I’m probably sleep like two in the morning screwing through TikTok or something because it’s getting banned the next couple of days I got a save that little TikTok. I’m gonna miss my little Chinese robot cyber whatever the Frick. Well happy new year well I know that reason is really late, but I don’t know what else to say. 

Wish me luck but you really don’t know me but I wish you luck whatever you want. You’re gonna get that. If you wanna be your mom become a mother if you want to be a porn star or something be that porn star. I will support you no matter what unless you’re you know Racist or something. Then I’ll side eye you. But yeah wish me luck in life and I wish you luck in life I promise. Because even I don’t know who is reading this anyone cares I wish you the best. I always wish you the best in people I hate people pretty easily, but even the people I hate the most. I wish them the best of luck because I don’t want them to you know suffer a lot. Cause I know what’s suffering is that sucks and I don’t want people to feel that. But I wish whatever you want. I’ll manifest it. I wish that I just get the audition, but whatever. if this audition thing never happens. I don’t know what to do. I can do. I’m studying a nurse in college. I’ll probably end up a nurse. I really want to study as a nurse for older people but I don’t think I wanna do that anymore because I can do that right now and those really give me much satisfaction. It just gives me depression if that makes any sense cause my grandma is one of them. I’m the only granddaughter or grandchildren even that takes care of her. I always been a caregiver and I don’t think I want to be a caregiver when I’m older that’s why the nurse thing I don’t know. I’m just good at it. That’s really it. God gave me this good thing I’m good at but I don’t know. I always spend more of a caregiver for anything and that’s why I don’t really want children or just one or two kids. i’ve been a caregiver for so long. That’s why I hate becoming a mom or anything like that. I don’t like people calling me, Mom or the Mom friend. I just been taking care of people. It’s in my nature and it’s not really fun to me anymore. It was but my dad was an alcoholic and my grandma hits me a lot. It’s not fun. But it gives me satisfaction cause part of me just know they’re safe. 

OK. OK I’m done right now. I wish you the best of luck like I said earlier love you!

Chapter Text

Nothing much right about today it was a pretty normal day. Nothing really want excitedly like I said I predict to how the day was gonna end. Do nothing and go to tae kwon do. I took care of my grandmother for a bit. She wasn’t really doing anything she was just brushing my hair all day. It was nice cause she still see me as a child so I just let her do it. Yes I’m still hoping something exciting popping up, but in general, I don’t know. in tae kwon do was thinking that I think too much. I don’t really am hopeful of the future. There’s so many things I want to do but never do them because I’m so scared of rejection being bad of something. Because I always been below average of every single fucking thing I ever do I always was below average. I’m just scared that I don’t have anything to offer at all every day. I just get God please give me a sign. but nothing, I just frustrated. What the hell what I’m gonna do. Fuck dude maybe I’ll just move to Korea and become a k celebrity or something I don’t even speak fucking Korean. or live my life in Amsterdam and become a micro Internet celebrity or something. Why is everything all celebrities could just be a rich fashionista or something. That’ll be fun me living my life in New York becoming a fashionista smoking my fake cigarette. Wearing the luxury item that I created. With my little friend hat, long scarf and dyed hair. Maybe orange or something me being in my late 60s. Or being K-pop idol dancing my heart away and then move to New York. That’ll be fun. Having a little champagne in my 60s I might have a kid or might not I hope they have a kid, but I can’t really predict that. Having my own runway of people showing off my fashion, but before that when I was in Idol I was performing across the glove from my little small company. That’ll be such a fun life. I might have a cat named chica or Pablo. My friends are living in their lives with their husbands and children them success in life that they’re supposed to be. Whatever it is. My parents probably dead by now, but I hope if they are dead they are happy from their final days, at least travel a couple countries visit places that they never visit. Them resting in their final breath in their home place or whatever they wanna die. my cousin’s being very successful one very wealthy business man and the other one a wealthy doctor. Wealthy enough that take sustain in their family.

that sounds like a very fun life you know. We doing so big. Let’s hope the dream of ours become humongous we successfully become who we want to be. I hope when I’m older let’s say about 23 I speak three language languages that’ll be fun. Maybe I have a lover I really hope I do, but I don’t want to be too cocky. Maybe I lost weight maybe I gain weight. Maybe if become uglier maybe become prettier. 

Five years seems a long way, but it shorten. Five years is nothing life will go so fast. I hope whatever universe God or anything will give me hope this I keep going back-and-forth like I’m bipolar, but that’s how my mind is. One day, I’m daydreaming about this life the other day I wish I died. I just hope that my dying breath I’m happy. I know I keep saying this I’m very repetitive but that I really want. Also when I’m 80 smoking my fake cigar with my hair with a bikini on with my saggy tits all my fucking knees. I hope that older me lives that life she’s happy. She got a little her little tequila. Became a well-known person might have a children might have grandchildren. I hope one day that will happen. Maybe will. 

Like I said nothing really surprising happened. Today was a pretty normal day. I just went on my day Osaka to my dad and we were looking at photos of his old hometown. Pull some working tomorrow, which fucking sucks but I need money don’t I. money, makes a world go round. I’m really excited for work tomorrow, Cuz we’re baking something but the problem is I’m not a great chef me and fire do not go along. I almost burn my school once and I rather not talk about it. I do not belong in the kitchen. Maybe I develop a skill of the kitchen one day but right now I’m not good at it. I’m sorry my future children I’ll find you a chef. But I hope I could cook pretty well by that time decent enough. Plus my parents are gonna be alive and my aunt so they can eat pretty well. But I’m excited for that one tomorrow at my work, but I had to get marshmallows before from my friend. I had to remind myself tomorrow I really hope I don’t forget. I’m pretty sure I won’t, but I gotta refresh my memory tomorrow. I think I have something else to do tomorrow, but I’m not quite sure. I don’t know why I feel like I’m missing something. I don’t know like a good feeling like I’m missing something. 

But yeah, that’s mostly what’s going on in my life at this point nothing too crazy you know I have to do a fast thing I’ve been lazy ass. That’s one of my worst character I believe. Number one is my insecurity my mental state and secondly, it’s my laziness. I’m a very lazy person. I don’t really do too much. no thinking about it. I don’t really have good characteristic, but we always improve. Well I don’t really have much time. Also TikTok’s getting banned I live in the states so no more TikTok for me. I thought it kind of funny. I don’t know if they’re actually gonna banned it but who knows I’ll probably go to the Chinese version or something. I heard that’s a Chinese version of Pinterest, but I’m not quite sure because the original Chinese with switcher VPN and I don’t really want to do that. But yeah I think I wrote too much but that’s really what’s going on. I don’t think anything‘s happening in my life auditions failed. We all know that. I have no school. I enter  the 27th I have a big pimple in my back, but that’s too much. TMI isn’t it. 

Well, I’ll give you another TMI I farted three seconds ago. 

Chapter Text

my guy asked me if I’m happy in life cause he said if you’re happy, I’m happy. 

Well, I didn’t really give him much of an answer. Kind of line says yeah but I don’t know that’s a question. I thought about a little later today. Am I happy in life right now? No not really I kinda don’t really like how my life is. I just think it’s too boring and I really did anything the last couple of months And to be honest with you. My life is really boring outside of the world and just a normal person you know. There’s so many things I want to do. I just don’t know how to start. You know I love to travel more more, but I can’t really leave the countries since I feel guilty because my parents can’t leave the country. I wanna switch my style of, but I’m going to care of my body and I’m really fat. I want to have a relationship, but I don’t think I could commit something that severe plus I’ll just feel guilty not being in a relationship and being a world’s worst girlfriend. There’s so many things I want to start up. I’m so afraid that I’ll just make a mistake because every time I do it just make a little mistake every day. But if I’m telling you the truth, my life is really boring and I hate how boring it is. 

Something funny I thought of I think I wrote about this, but I’m not quite sure. I’m pretty sure I did. My cousin told me TeSsIe have you ever said I love you to your grandma cause I made a joke how she remember him and not me which I find ironic since I’m the one who lives with her and take care of her, they barely visit us. They have their own lives. I kinda get it, but I found a really funny that she said, I love you to me plus I am the one who cleans her butt. I think that’s explaining how much I love her well, I don’t really clean it. I just help with it. I was listening a lot to the song sober by Big Bang. I really like it. I don’t know if I get the message pretty quickly, but I think it’s a really beautiful song. You should listen to it if you’re into K-pop even then just because it’s K-pop doesn’t mean a beautiful song overall pretty well and I get the message. I just been a really bumpy mood. My stomach hurts. I ate a burrito earlier and now I feel like I gained like 1000 pounds I think I did gain weight that sucks and I’m already fat as it is only more extra pounds. I really need to go on a diet. Don’t I. Well, not much just going on honestly like I said my life is really boring as it is, well, I’m working tomorrow. I work pretty often in these couple days. I’m working one shift next week though my stomach really hurts. I shouldn’t have that burrito now. I just kinda wanna poop it out with my TMI today. Well, that was really it. The auditions I check my email nothing maybe I don’t know. I’m getting old when do wrinkles start going in? Maybe I’m just 19 and they don’t really start thinking about that. I think I know where my wrinkles gotta be. It’s gonna be in my eyes when I smiled. They have a little creases, but I don’t think my forehead. I feel like it’ll take a bit since I don’t really move it I do wear sunscreen mostly in the summer not recently though but I should be playing sunscreen since it’s a bit more sunny out there, but my weather app said I don’t really need to so I haven’t been putting it on the people wear sunscreen. I feel like my friends to make fun of me wearing it, but I think it’s good for my skin I’m really pale and I kinda really need a word sunscreen pretty often, I usually don’t wear a winter though, but my skin gets very dry. I don’t know what else to talk about. I just feel really bloated, but I feel like I just deploy later. I had a burrito that I had cooking and milk this morning and then I had cheese tortilla and meat. That was a pretty good day today I went exercising now because I kinda hate my body, but I kinda eat like junk so nothing really change it. well that’s really it for today. My stomach also feel very you know stretched out because I did a lot of ab workout these couple of days and I normally do much ab workout. I just started reading a book. I’ve been reading this comic book, but I haven’t finished it. I think I’m around Pages in, but I kind of stopped a bit. But I’ve been using my new headphones. I really like them. They’re very futuristic and I kinda like that. 

I haven’t been wearing the sweater I got for Christmas because of the photo of my work I’m like oh I kinda look chubby no I don’t wanna wear it yeah that’s really it. I keep saying the same words over and over again this is why I’m not good at public speaking. 

But speaking of big bang, I said earlier the only reason I’ve been listening to a lot is from the interview from one of the members TOP it was a really sad interview. I got a little depressed reading it. I really feel bad for him and if I could talk to him, I wanna like hug him or something. He seems like he’s in the dark mind even now I thought Maybe he’s a little free, but he hasn’t been feeling well. I wish him best of luck in life I really do even though I don’t know him too well well I don’t know him at all, but I do have empathy for him cause I seen how the media treated him especially over seas. I truly feel bad for him. I really wish him the best of luck in life or whatever he wants. I hope he gets married to his love or not maybe doesn’t want to get married but overall I just wish him peace. You know everyone deserves it even after the shit he been through. I just really feel bad for him if I ever have an opportunity to talk to him and a real world scenario I love too, but I don’t think I ever will. Maybe it’s a para social shit going on but overall reading it was a really depressing thing to read because I see a lot in him in me. That makes sense being very depressed. Feeling very guilty about the things you have made mistakes. Gilded something that’s hard to let go and he seems like a very sensitive person. That’s why I relate to him a lot because I’m very sensitive. 

Best of luck in life though. Maybe he’ll be a gardener or join Big Bang again I’m not quite sure. I’ll probably keep in touch big bang even though I’m not the biggest VIP out there but nice to see they grow over the years. That’s why I even listen to sober a lot. It’s one of my favorite songs from the band for quite some time now. 

But I’m not the biggest big big fan so I’m not really into their Lord. I just knew them for a long time. they’re quite popular. You should check them out, but I don’t think they’re that active but don’t quote me on that. I am not the biggest fan so I’m not quite sure how active they are but overall 2024. They’ve been pretty active and I think one is going on tour, but I’m not quite sure. But my biggest K-pop group I love the most stray kids. I love them. I really like their music I really like their vibe, but I just like everything about it and I’ve been listening to their songs are all pretty great yeah some are skippable, but you could say that to any artist. my favorite member is Han. I just think he’s a really cutie patootie. He’s such a little cute ball. I don’t wanna explain it like if I ever see him I kinda wanna just like squish his cheeks or something. He seems very Squable and he seems very mature too at the same time he’s like I don’t know between like childish or maturity a normal adult. But I just really relate to him a lot, especially him suffering with anxiety, and all that cause I suffer a lot anxiety and a lot of his songs are quite relatable to me. I just think he’s a really talented artist to see a rap he could sing he could dance he has everything. if I ever meet stray kids or even Han, I’m gonna legit die or something. I am always think I’ll never fan girl but I think I will fan girl if I ever meet them in person and I’m like oh my God I’ll be freaking out. 

I really think I’ll be freaking out. I’m not quite sure. I never really met like a celebrity that I really care about because most of the time I don’t really care about celebrities you know. For me they’re just like normal people and if I see them, I’m like oh OK that’s cool. I meant a celebrity but I don’t think I’ll care too much but I do have favorite celebrities everyone does like maybe diehard fan but I’m not quite sure I could live with myself with that since I don’t really don’t know the person whether they’re like assholes or something. Cause a lot of people who are famous are assholes, but that’s just me assuming. I like to believe Han is not an asshole, but I don’t know the person. I don’t even know him at all. But I really like to meet him one day that could be a concert or I am waiting in a hallway at some sort. Hell if I ever become famous having an interview with him, oh my God, that would be such an amazing dude. I think I’ll die like. it’s like meeting like I don’t know your hero or something. that’ll be such a fun coincidence meeting  a celebrity, but I’m not much of exciting person so I don’t think I’ll just scream, but I’m not quite sure since that never happened to me. But I’m fine never meeting them. I think I’ll give me peace. You know cause I’m their fan not their best friend and I like to be their fan more than anything because I like to support them and wishing the best of luck in life. 

Speaking of hard-core fans I don’t really get why people suck their favorite idols or celebrities or anything and never really get that lifestyle. Personally for me, I don’t really care about the idols or celebrities getting into a relationship I don’t really give a crap maybe it’s just I’m very westernize and I’m used to having like you know American celebrities being in relationships. I don’t know I always thought of that. It’s a weird thing but maybe I’m just not the biggest hard-core fan you know. I kinda get why I guess since their whole thing it’s about para social crap but I honestly don’t really care. Maybe I would if it was my favorite but even my favorite was in a relationship. I’ll be happy you know I don’t know. I think I’ll be cute. Like imagine my little favorite celebrity in a relationship. I’ll be like oh my God they’re such a cute patootie together. But I don’t know that’s a whole part of it and I don’t really get like them hating on them being in a relationship but that’s just me. With the stocking, I don’t get it. I kinda do like get it like psychology type why people do it but in my personal opinion, I will never stalk my favorite. I don’t really care that much about them cause they’re human the day. I don’t really care they could be pooping right now. God knows who. For me being a fan is more just supporting them and enjoying their talent and enjoying the character. That’s the best part of being a fan. I wish my favorite celebrities are my favorite people in my personal life and my fan girl life to go on top you know to live their lives having the best time of their lives. I really wish them. They have no guilt and no sadness. Like I really wish them the best of everything I wish that for a lot of people people I don’t know and people I do know. I just love people to be happy so I don’t know why I hate my happiness. I don’t know why I can’t enjoy my own happiness enjoying other people’s happiness not something I need to reflect on. 

Cause I hate myself I’m gonna be honest with you. I hate every little thing about me. I struggle a lot with excepting happiness excepting that I’m good enough. a lot of people in my personal life say Sarai  there’s something that you deserve. You don’t have to feel like you don’t deserve anything. I struggle out with that. I personally feel like I never deserve anything. I’m dumb. I’m ugly. I’m stupid. I’m everything why would I need something that I haven’t deserve it. I struggle a lot with that. I don’t know why I just feel like I don’t deserve anything in the world. Because I’m so used to being rejected being down with it not being the best at anything I was in born with talent I wasn’t born with good relationship skills. I was just born to be below average of everything in anything under the sun. Not to be just below average just to be bad at it. I’m not talented. I’m not anything I hate myself really I just hate every little thing about me down to my fucking toes down to the little pieces of my hair. I hope one day that I appreciate myself you know not to feel bad or just feel good. At least one time just to feel happiness. Maybe I have some sort of trauma that I need to resolve but even then I don’t have no trauma. I was pretty raised pretty well. I don’t know why I feel like this. I feel guilty thinking like this because my parents did so well to raise me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why do I feel so alone and like hateful? I had a pretty normal childhood I was middle class. I have water I have food. I don’t know why I just feel so about myself I just hope one day I just close my eyes when I’m 45 years old living in my life and God knows where I hope I just hope that I just appreciate my life as it is. I hope I’m not a nurse. I’m studying for even though it’s ironic God I hope I’m OK with life. I hope I eat cheap. Just a little more proud of my dream even though it’s tiny also appreciate it . Worst case scenario I’m a druggie or I’m gonna be a relationship with my husband with three kids. Best case scenario I became of famous well known whatever and living my life as it is and becoming a fashion, designer and living my end of the year in New York, still making clothing maybe for my grandchildren. Enjoying the peace of my later in life, but enjoying a lot in my 20s and going on News and visiting my parents if they’re dead or alive. that’s my dream goal my fantasy. if I was God like I said, I’ll be in idol living my life as a singer/whatever and then ending my life in New York because I don’t know I don’t like New York. I visited once. That’ll be my perfect life, but that’s not my reality now I gotta be OK how my life is right now be OK who I am. 

Fuck that’s kind of hard Cuz. I just hate everything about me.

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TikTok got banned for less than 20 hours it was kinda funny since i was making jokes how I needed lol. 

It was my Cousin birthday but we driving to the birthday party, we heard bad news so I was talking about the one who was missing apparently passed away. They found her body in the sea. That sucks it kind of ruined the whole mood of the birthday party, but that’s life. You know nothing is fair. I get why people think God is so selfish hell I even thought about it today. I know, I know it’s bad to think need to leave towards a person or religious but sometimes I’m human I get angry frustrated. I can’t sit here and lie and says, sometimes I wish God didn’t do this or sometimes I wish life didn’t do this to me. I’ll be lying to myself. Part of we knew that she might not make it, but I still had that. Hope you know, but that hope is gone. She did pass away. 

It’s really frustrating sometimes seeing so much death around you makes you realize how short life is. No one knows when gonna die. Guys tomorrow in 50 years hell you’re gonna live into 100. Life is so mysterious like that and life works differently. Even though I wasn’t close there I did feel very sad and of course I did. I’ve been too many funerals, especially these last couple months. And throughout this whole couple months, I just been reflecting how much and why people find God cruel. I kinda get to now. Sometimes he just works weirdly you know I have nothing much to say I’m not gonna say that he is perfect. I guess I don’t know. Maybe he’s anger from the way I’m saying, but I don’t know. I’m nothing much to talk about. 

I had a serious conversation with my friend the other day I think a week or so talking about how much we kinda need to go therapy and just talking about how much life can be pain in the ass. And today with no other day it’s supposed to be a fun day, but it was ruined by a horrible news. God I don’t know. I’m so frustrated with my self and with God, you know or the universe or whatever people believe in. I’m just sitting here and just frustrated like I just wanna yell at him, but I can’t you know. That’s why once I pass away and I end up in heaven or something I wanna have a conversation with him and I know there billions and billions of people but hopefully I have luck and have a good conversation with him or an angel or a saint or whatever. that’s my goal after death. You know if there is even an after death I’m just nothing afterwards. I don’t know. I’m not dead yet. I’ll find out sooner. But damn it’s just hard you know, like looking the cruel things in the world. The question why things are like this. Questioning why me why not someone else why I have to suffer and they don’t. Like jealousy, envy, and stuff like that. I’m not good with my words. The thing about this is that it’s frustrating. You know you want good news for so bad. They keep getting negative negative news just warp your whole brain. I personally feel like a failure. I keep seeing these numbers repeating like hoping they’re good news, but I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. Maybe I’m a bad person. Maybe I’m questioning God intentions. But I am human the end of the day I have human emotions. I can’t feel frustrated. I can feel sadness. I can feel happiness. I cry I laugh I giggle I feel like I’m on cloud 9night and I feel like I want to dig myself in the hole. I just wanna yell at him and says what are you doing? Why are you making these decisions? Maybe this decisions he makes will benefit us in the long run. Maybe hopefully that’s just me being hopeful. Maybe if I made a decision differently. This situation will end up differently like I close the cabinet or I stayed home and didn’t go shopping yesterday. All these little decision it’s a really big decision and even though I’m not close with this chick, I just feel very sad this feeling of guilt. 

I’ve been to three funerals and I believe I’m going to another one for her. These last couple of months not even these last six months. I just been going to funerals. I just been getting bad news. Even today when my mom was talking to me she’s saying how are you? Sure you want your aunt to be your godmotherish or something like that I’m not quite sure, but besides the point she asked me that because my aunt has a horrible relationship with my father. A lot of the people in my mom side of family does not like my father. Because he made many mistakes. And they’re gonna butt heads. it makes me sad thinking of this because even though she hates my father, she loves me and I just feel guilty about it cause I am my father you know just because I don’t really look like him doesn’t mean I don’t have his DNA. I am his child in the end of the day. I am that person you hate the most. Even though my dad did so many bad things because of his mental illness the end of the day he is still my father I have his DNA. I have his legacy with me. it. It’s a weird concept. You know I know people don’t like my dad, but I had to like him and I do like him. It just makes me sad hearing these news horrible news coming from me plus past auditions I had to keep failing them. I just feel so frustrated at life. I’m at the college. I barely wanna go. I’m feeling this all I want. I keep going to funerals. My aunt hates my father. I don’t live with my parents because of the situation. I am with my grandmother, my sick grandmother that pulls my hair. no matter how much I give her love she just hits me. I know she has dementia, but sometimes it fuck it hurts. Her hitting me, pulling my hair. Like she fucking hates me. 

Seeing this horrible things bad news. Just keep coming to me. I just feel like I’m stuck in life. I’m stuck with this loop of fucking I don’t know. God I fucking hate my life right now. I’m gonna just say that straight up. I fucking hate how my life end up. I’m just so frustrated how I am at the person. I fucking hate everything right now. Maybe it’s just anger is in me maybe because of my anchor my life is like this and I don’t know how to fucking fix it. I’m just so fucking stuck. I keep asking for help from God from the universe from every single person. If I just feel so stuck, I just feel so fucking I don’t know. I just wanna yell at something yell like why am my life end up like this? What decisions that I make I know I’m not a perfect person, but I didn’t think I was an asshole. Was a too mean to my friends, was that kinder to my grandmother? Should I study a bit more? Should I not eat that food because of gluttony? Should I just fucking give up about the dream I want. Something I just don’t wanna admit like that, but I have to move on in life. 

I’m not dead. I’m not dead yet. I’m only 19. Even when people make fun of me. How old I am. I still have a good chunk of life left it go by so quickly I’ll be fucking 60 in a blink of an eye. my number one thing in life I don’t want to be my debt or be having fucking dementia. My titties fucking out, hating how and regretting every single thing of my life because that’s how I feel at this moment. God I’m so frustrating. I just want to yell at him. I know he is greatness. He is good but sometimes I just feel like I’m missing something. Maybe he’s sending these signs or maybe I’m just a fucking asshole whole thing too much. Maybe I am a shitty person. I just don’t wanna admit that. Maybe I am talking shit behind people back. Maybe I am a fucking slut. Maybe I am a creep. 

I know I’m talking smack at towards me, but I just feel so frustrated right now. Like every single thing I do is just fucking bad news negative news like something has against me. Maybe it does. Maybe I’m just a shitty person. Maybe I’m just fucking horrible person. Maybe I did update my past life that ends up my life like this. I don’t want to regret life but right now I’m just regretting every single thing about me. I just wanna pull my hair out. I just want to scream at a statue of Jesus. Asking him why my life is like this. I know you’re a good person. I know your God even you are God. I just wanna have a conversation with him or anyone. I just want to explain why why am my life end up like this? Is it my fault of course it’s my fault. What should I have done. What should I change about me? Why do I just feel so shitty all the time. 

Why do you bring suffer to the world? Maybe I am just talking shit. Maybe I’m just talking out of my anchor cause I am talking out of my anchor maybe I’m coming the biggest sin right now. Maybe God is angry at me because I came in a big sin. Maybe he wanted to give me a sign maybe I don’t know. I don’t know what is the maybe. I’m just talking out of my ass, maybe this has no meaning at all. Nothing has meeting. I’m just looking things too deeply because life means no meaning. We’re floating in a piece of fucking rock. I’m just so frustrated. I just know I’m talking smack of everything but I just feel so fucking frustrated. I’m sorry. Maybe I am committing a big sin right now talking down to God but I just wanna talk to him. You know I just wanna ask why so many negative news right now. he created human so he understands how I feel. Maybe this has a bigger plan in the universe or maybe doesn’t have a plan at all. People suffer everywhere around the world no matter how much you speak up against their abuse there’s abuse everywhere there’s negative energy everywhere. I’m gonna stop talking now or writing. I’m just too frustrated at life right now. I hate how my life ended up. Maybe I’ll switch it up, saying I love my life. I don’t know, but at this point, I am not feeling too best. I close my eyes and just think God maybe I should just be dead. Maybe I should just went through. But part of me just stops every time I think about it because I know people care about me and I know there’s millions of people care about me. I know that’s extreme but still. I know there’s good in life. I know they’re just good energy in life. I know there’s happiness, love enjoyment. It’s hard to think so possibly if so, many shitty negatives keep punching you in the ass. 

I’m just not feeling too best. I just wanna walk in my room and do nothing. Waste away my youth. I just want to have one good news. Just one. I don’t care. Is it to me or someone I love I just want one good news. Something just to keep my mind off of this. Just to keep my mind off this death roaming around me. Cause I don’t know my auntie well but this death just feels so heavy on me. I can’t imagine being her daughters or her husband. I just feel so sad. I’ve been feeling like this for the last three funerals I went. This heaviness on me. I don’t know why death just runs around me. so many bad news around me. I just want one good thing in my life. Well, I know I’m gonna get good things throughout my life and I did receive good news, but I had right now. I just want one good news. Maybe I’m being selfish. I am being selfish. I just want something positive greatness. I’m just so frustrating right now right now. 

No wonder prople smoke and drink

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Right now, I’m trying to learn a new language. Well, it is my first day. I kinda knew a little bit beforehand, but overall kind of going blind. And I don’t really have much expectation since I usually just give up the first week. I hope I don’t, but knowing myself, I probably will. But yeah, my aunt died which kind of sucks I’m so sad about it even if I’m not close with her at all or she stopped my mother or not I’m close with of course it hurts a bit. I don’t want anyone to die. But yeah, that sucks. I’m little sad over it. I’m starting school next week which I’m not really pumped about, but I don’t know. I gotta get a future somehow. 

I broke my nail, which sucks, but I also have an insurance fee to pay. Hopefully, I don’t II broke my nail, which sucks, but I also have an insurance fee that to pay. Hopefully I don’t have to pay I assume to my insurance, but I have no motivation for anything. I seen the news of America and makes me want like shit myself. All those fans are dickhead really they are all those Maga people are really just dickhead. Cuss them Twitter, but my mom yelled at me.  I still have many hopes but the more the year pass the more I’m losing it. I just wish I could just you know not lose that hope or just to be smart. Cause I’m not smart. I’m really not it took me a while to learn English language, even though I speak it, and I barely speak Spanish. Because he learned in school and I don’t really know it. so thinking how the hell will learn another language if I could barely speak to first language. I’m an idiot you know, but what can I do? You know. 

Right now, I just feel so shitty. I keep saying numbers like repeating numbers, angel numbers they call it and I don’t think they’re a good sign. I keep seeing them everywhere but all the news I get bad news you know. I just feel like everything is against me you know I know it’s not true but that’s how I feel. My life is a cycle. I keep doing the same thing over and over again since I was five. And I really wanna break the cycle you know have something so special about me but I just never get it and maybe I’m just ungrateful or I’m just frustrated really fuck. I’m just really frustrated. Just I wanna yell scream my lungs out say fuck you to everyone anyway that’s really it I’m not feeling the best. I really am not. I just feel like I’m the most unluckiest person in the world. 

Chapter Text

I’m lost I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I want to do for a career. FUCK I’m so stuck I just don’t want to go to collage with a fucking a degree that I don’t want. I don’t know what I want out of life. Buecose everything I have done I just suck at it. I just want to sleep. I giving up. It hard to move foword if I so stuck with the little time AI do have. I want to be just buried deep with nothing and just disappeared. I wish I can just i don’t what I want to wish for. I just feel so lost in life. So lost in collage so lost in my own mind and morals. I just want to be anyone but myself. I feel like I failed at life. I failed the big test such as young age. Bad luck for me till the next test.

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I just hopeless in life I just want someone to hug me or just say it okay even if it not. I want to grasp someone hand and guide me what and how I should live life. I don’t want to be me. 

I’m going to bed it just been in my mind for so long I can’t really take it anymore. I just need to chill. 

Chill. 

Tomorrow will be a good day. You will be happy.

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No I’m not calm well kinda.

I still feeling very depressed and I so close to just giving up. But I can’t I am worried a lot and I think well I don’t know that to think I just feel like shit. I just feel so disappointed in self. I just hate myself and I wish I could just not be me once. But I can’t this my life and my mind thinking like this and I feel so just disconnected with myself. I saw a lot of number around me so I hope there good thing than bad thing I been seeing them for week. 

Chapter Text

I have been writing this couple of days. It’s just been a little depressing. I personally didn’t have the willpower to write at all. I’m having a little bit of riders block in my school. There’s like a magazine thing you could do. It’s like the post in your work and I can’t really post anything. ‘ cause I don’t have the creative juices that I used to have. That’s why I have a very right poetry the last couple months I just don’t have that creativity and I hope it will spark again. 

I went to a funeral today. It was snowing like snow Riet her passing on this is my fourth funeral the last five months. It’s really depressing to see I just don’t really have the mentality of it. I keep repeating the things in my feelings over over in the last couple of writing blocks, but it is truly how I feel. I just feel so shitty and I keep being shitty. I don’t know there’s something much I could write. I just feeling a little down I hope I have the more courage to write more. I said at school, so I’m busy with school. I’m busy with my job. My family member passed away. Multiple of my family members passed away. I’m busy taking care of my grandmother. And I haven’t really thought of much of the auditions. I haven’t been checking because I don’t know. I have low expectations really I don’t really think I’ll make it the the dream I want. I hate about it, but what can I really do about it. 

It’s whatever. 

I just wanna ride because I have been wrote  in a good while there is nothing much in my life to talk about my life is very dull like I said. Still, hoping still dreaming still the same old cycle. Fuck I’m on the verge. When I went to a funeral today it was my aunt. It was just depressing. Honestly the yacht I was talking about the one who was missing for a long time she passed away and I just feel so nothing really it just nothing over and over again this sucks really. I just when I saw her body go down. I just felt numb. I just wanted to cry like she was my old mother falling there, but I just feel sadness really sorrow . I don’t really have much emotion. It just makes me so sad and I just haven’t been feeling myself these days. I just feeling very depressed. I just don’t want to move on in my life by looking at her funeral and what her husband said, we have to move on. 

it makes me realize how short life is. How short life really is. There’s so much I wanna do but so little time that I don’t know where to start. 

Fuck

Right again when I feel more creative and more motivated. Writing is for me to express myself the way to just vent out my frustration, but at the moment it is having a ride or block, cause I don’t know what to say on this paper I don’t know what I want to express. What emotions I feel because I can’t explain my own emotions. I can’t. My brain is going so much faster than my mouth. I can’t show my emotions. I just feel so lost. 

I had an emotional breakdown because I don’t know what I wanna do as a career and how little time I have this whole world and I just want to give up. But I can’t. I just want to lay in my bed and fucking rot become one with my bed just to become nothing at all nothing in this universe no responsibility no hope no dream no nothing no motivation just to plenty of my bed and sleep all night with no worries in the world. 

I just wanna blend of my bed become the cushion and become the stuffed animals become nothing. I just feel so stupid really. 

I don’t know what to do. That’s how I feel every single day these last couple of days and I feel it’s just my fault. It is my fault who else I’m gonna blame. there’s no one to play with my suffering because it is my suffering it’s me who cause his emotions with myself. I just want to become nothing. I just want to become a rock. 

I have these big dreams that I want, but they seem so far away to catch to just grab it and hold it so tightly that I become. But those dreams just feel so far away. It’s just a handful. I just want to give up. 

It’s just so close so close like dream every single night but when I wake up in the morning, it’s the same life that I have. 

I do nothing towards myself. I had these big dreams, but I do nothing towards it. I’m like punishing myself because I believe I deserve nothing but in reality, I do deserve something not everything but somethings but a part of my brain just feels you messed up somewhere in your life. You deserve anything you have your own secrets your own guilt, your own selfish needs that you do that you don’t deserve nothing. 

I just feel dumb and stupid. I hope one day I could just relax because my living situation is very relax. It’s just my enemy is my brain. Like I said I live in a very dull life I go to school I go to work. I go home sometimes take care of my grandmother and eat. I have a very basic life and it’s not a life of struggles. I don’t have trauma. I don’t have kids. I don’t have any stress above me. I have a very easy life. I just don’t know why I feel so shitty about myself every single day. Like I want to change the cycle. I hate this dull life but yet I do nothing about it. 

I hope my motivation comes back. 

or I just blend in of my bed and will never wake up. 

or just become a goldfish and do nothing. 

or successfully with my dream. 

or become a drug addict. 

or just become a mom of two kids of a boring life that a husband doesn’t even love me. 

there’s so many possibilities out there, but I feel like every decision I make doesn’t mean anything. 

I just wanna give up I really do. But life is so special when I went to the funeral today it made me realize there’s a ton of people that loves you a ton of people who wants you to be alive and when I saw so many people crying today it just makes me realize there’s no point of death to have this in reversible once I’m gone I’m gone and when I saw her body down there and made me realize we’ll never see her again. Her life is gone. She had no other chances I think about that a lot I hope wherever she is, she’s doing good. I hope she’s successfully at ease, cause her last couple of days or not being lost in the world don’t know the worst way to end. I hope when she took her last breath, she felt in ease. Someone just hugged her before she moved on. 

How my aunt died was an accident. She fell down and drowned. She went missing, and they found her in a bridge somewhere in my state. I hope her last breath the ocean just hugs her, made her at ease her suffering very minimal, and the waves just hug her and hug her and just kiss her on the lips so she could be at ease when she moves on because her last couple days were not fun. She was lost cold not knowing anyone Cleft her kids left. Her husband left this life. I just feel so sad sorrow and I barely know her. 

And all the funerals I want. I just feel so sorrow because life is so little. there’s so much in life and I’m just scared that I’m making the wrong decisions every time I think about death, I think about her and the other people that died in my family. 

Sometimes I just wanna close my eyes and become nothing. 

But I just keep moving on because that’s the point of life moving on fuck dude it’s getting late. I have class in the morning

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My day is not going well if I am going to be honest with you. First the home I wanted to do the printer rain out and I felt like ugh I just felt bad for it plus In my class I only needed to do the writing not the outline and went I told him that I could come to class on Monday and I finish the outline he told me that not due and I felt just embarrassed and next thing my health insurance.

I owe 700 dollars and I was trying to fix it but everything is not going well to me and and told me that I was unable to be cover do do when I didn’t have health insurance but my insurance told me that I need to tell them and I stuck with debt now I had to pay for a class in collage too since my student aid couldn’t cover it. I thought I could go school free but no I need to cover so money and I don’t want to tell my parents since it is my fault . I was the one stupid enough to go to the doctor for a check up and see how was I doing and I don’t want to say that and feel like a burden and they need to pay they have too much to pay now. I also did told them about my school and I have something to pay but I paid for it. I have a job it doesn’t pay well but I need to do it. I also not telling my debt sistuation I don’t want them to know. I feel so wgj’ I can’t do it anymore my first month of January just fucking blows. I can’t do it anymore I just can’t. I know that the part of growing up and life is ment to be stressful but the stress is caused by me. I the one the shot me in the leg and just sit her and complain. 

I just very stress out I don’t know what I want to do when I am older. I’m worried now since I am going to be 20 this year and I haven’t even hug a guy before. I have these debt I have to pay. I need to go home today to take care of my grandmother. My aunt died and went missing for weeks on end. And the last 6 month 4 people in my family has died.  I only go to work now just once a week and there going to be a new employee so I don’t how much I will work. I been gain weight. I been waiting for my ID for weeks and it keeps getting delayed.My cried card will expire soon in June and I been worried about that. I wanted to a magazine project for my collage but nothing is going how I wanted to look, I getting more acne and I need to get my acne cream but I need to pay my debt first and I don’t know how long, I keep getting rejected form my own audition I wanted to do. I had my period on fucking Monday and I wanted to go to Taekawndo and now when I went to school and printer was out and my bag pact is open. I just feel so fucking stress out and everything in my life has been going upside down and it all my fault.

These couple of months I been seeing repeating numbers and I thought it will be a good sign and I can’t even look at them. They supposed to mean guidance but I never felt so lost in life. I verge of just going crazy really. And I all do the last 19 years of my life is sit one my ass and watch TikTok and not help anyone. I need doing that for years and years. And I fucking hate it but there is nothing I can do. I made these choices it my fault why I ended up like this. I feel so lost. I not a good person and I really not because what good person will use their parents for money and rides when I have those things. What person will show little compassion with their friends and don’t talk to them. What person will go on the internet and make watch videos of people so they can feel better for themselves. What good person will do nothing productive with their life. What good person reads fucking porn about people. I just not feel my best I haven’t in a while. I just felt like all this bad things going on is my life is my fault and how every bad decision I made is coming back for karma. 

I been think I am a bad person because why would this happen to you if you didn’t tried hard enough. I wasn’t enough for people I am boring with nothing cool about me really. I just hate everything I been doing. I been just doing nothing about it. 

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I’ve been feeling a little better still down but a little better than usual. I’ve been calm down a bit. I’m still a little lost, but the future is bright isn’t it. It’s gonna be less snow tomorrow that’s great but what can I do about it, that’s it there’s not much I just wanna tell you that I’m doing OK

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I have a conversation with my mom today more of like I have the luxury of living this life. I don’t really have much struggle. I really don’t well much of her knowledge but personally, I don’t really struggle that much in life. I never really had big obstacles compared to my other friends. it made me reflect how I feeling these last couple days. I’ve been feeling really depressed, but they’re thriving even though they’re struggling way more than me. no, I just felt guilty of why I’m feeling so depressed while they’re having their life even though they’re not in a good position. 

everyone’s struggles, but some struggles are worse than others and you have a worst struggle just give us a smile. Maybe I really need to flex on that and that made me think a lot. 

I just been feeling down the last couple of days and hearing that made me change a bit how I’m feeling. I hope my mind will be at peace again. 

But there is some good news. I got one addition to respond to me you didn’t it isn’t that serious it’s still better than nothing. I feel kinda happy and joyful like oh my God someone notice me or something like a company know me. All the other shit that I did, they haven’t even know me back, but this one did even though I just asked a question, I don’t know even the little thing that just makes me a little happy. 

That’s really much I had to say I’m going to class tomorrow and very happy that when the classes is canceled so I could leave there early but I have homework. But I think tomorrow will be a good day. I really hope. 

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I’m in class right now. It a little boring It an Bio class and around around an hour but on mondays it goes to 3 hour or so and that seems so long. But I only went onces since the first week it I had my aunt funeral, and then it was cancel and now there a holiday on Monday. It a it of an easy class but it also boring the same time…. I have an essay due it 12 pages.. well not now it only like 3 pages whitch it good enough for me. I just been doing okay. I little sad but that just the same old me. I started to focus a little more in my classes since I failed one of them. But I got to lock in. I had work yesterday and well it was my dad birthday. As a bad child I forgot and I felt bad but we went out to dinner with my family. It was nice and fun but I got a Mexican burrito and well it was good till the third bite., Once my mouth took the third bite I got to tell her no jalapeño. I’m a white girl at heart and I just ruin the burrito but I still ate it. But now I farting all morning and I haven’t took a dump not yet a least. That why I’m not hungry. It was pretty big. I wanted to have dessert but everyone said no and I felt left out. Yes I’m full to but I got a little place for a little sweet treat. Ugh no wonder I’m gaining weight. I just eat junk. I feel fatter my face just look chubby. 

I got a response from an audition I know it not official since they answer me back but I felt achieve it even if it small. I just hope they let me pass. God I only hope. The weather were I live is very gloomy it just ugly I hate gloomy weather like rain I hate the rain. My mom told me that when it raining God is crying because God is sad. I personally think I’m not the most religion person but I do tip my toes a lot with religion. But that phrase stuck with me and when I see rain I think about that and how people suck. I think that I did something bad as well. I rethink what I did these days and what may happen. I personally think God is like a friend and someone to talk to and someone to beg to. My view of religion is very childish and personally not  really religious well not as much. I personally think we because a different person once’s we died not going to heaven. But there could be a heaven or hell I don’t know I haven’t died just yet.

But yeah religion is passing my mind a lot since I am very dark place in my mind. But there something me from being to religious is about the rules and what they believed in. And also people used the world of God and bible wrong.A lot of people are true religions people if they hate. I really don’t like that. Also a lot of words of the Bible is not aline what I believed. I feel for me to be very religious is to be believed everything’s and follow the Bible which I can’t committed to. One of them is apportion and freedom of sex and gender. I also feel like everyone is ment to be how they are. It there destion to be an asshole but never what they like, don’t like etc. We can’t really change what we like but we can be an asshole. Idk if making sense. All you need to know that I been think about religion. Questioning it and also loving it at the same time. But more loving it. I get why people become very religious. Really I do. I hope God know I love him but even so I hope whatever is out there like me even if a little. 

But yeah that really it. I hope the rest of the day goes well and I hope i get good news like I pass the audition or I get morning money even a sweet treat. 

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Nothing happened too much today happen I just stayed at home. Well, that’s a lie. I went out to get some medicine but overall I stayed home. I should’ve done homework I know, but I just didn’t do it. Also, I took care of my grandmother she could be a pain in the ass think of like a toddler. When you say no, she will do it when you say yes she won’t do it. It’s a concert battle. That’s why I’m not supposed to be a parent. Well, not yet well I don’t know the future. I could be a parent next year I hope not but that’s how it is. 

I personally just don’t know I don’t really think much of anything. I was thinking am I really happy the quick answer no I’m not happy. I’m not proud of how my life ended up. But there’s many good things and good memories I made even though I haven’t done much. Part of me think maybe I should’ve gone to college meet friends and enjoy the college life. I’m in college, but I’m talking about like big schools and stuff. I did got accepted to all the college that I applied. But a part of me just don’t wanna do anything. I have this goal in mind you know to pass the auditions to move out and live out my dream to be a star, but if I don’t pass any of them how I’m gonna keep it. I can’t just stop school because I kinda need the education. it’s just a constant battle between me myself and I. Plus taking care of my grandmother can really be a pain in the butt. I know it’s soft topic, but she would want to go to the bathroom. it’s not a bad thing you know how elderly can’t really hold their bladder but the main point is I can’t really take her. I just saw her to just peeing her panties and they’re not panties their diapers, but I told her just to pee in it and I’ll clean her that way since I don’t really have the technique to clean her in the toilet. But she got anger in me, which honestly I get who wants to pee their pants. But I just feel bad cause I can’t really take her to the bathroom. I really can’t. she’s not a big woman she’s around my height, which isn’t really saying much but she does weigh around 170 so she is a little chubby no offense at her everyone’s a little chubby. 

And when I was getting mad with my dad where I lived, there’s no parking in no area so it was just a pain in the butt to get the medicine but I got it. It’s just I forgot my mask and I feel kind of embarrassed I was at the hospital And I just forgot to take a mask . I know, I know it’s not mandatory, but I feel more cleaner and healthier. And I get a lot today, which sucks because I haven’t tell me problems. My mom say that, I don’t eat the proper food, which is true that’s why I get stomachache a lot. But today was just a very boring Thursday. I hope I got the news last night, but I didn’t but it’s whatever. 

Like, I said, I’ve been seeing not so much repeating numbers but couple days ago I saw like a crap ton but recent times, not really, so I don’t know what that means. Maybe it’s all my head. Maybe I’m just going crazy. there’s nothing much to say today I just wanna write something because I kind of feel bored plus I’m not that tired. It’s almost 12 the next day tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day and guess who doesn’t have a Valentines. Well, obviously I don’t have a partner. 

I joked that my friend is well technically she’s my valentine, cause I texted the group chat with my friends. Whoever responds to me will be my valentines and one of them did. so technically I do, but if you’re asking if I had a partner or a boyfriend no I don’t. I never have one like I said I’m the most virgin person in the world like I didn’t even hold hands romantically been on a day kiss someone in the cheek or even someone I’m having a crush on me. Nothing on that. Well, I’m not gonna become an in cell and just ran out to saying it’s all men’s fault because not really it’s partly me too cause I don’t really go out. And at this point in my life, I’m not really focused in relationships and I’m very insecure so it won’t really mix well. Plus I’m a little ugly, but what can I do about it. 

But overall nothing too achieving today I hope I have a good day tomorrow. I always say that, but it never ends up being good just ends up being very boring very nothing. I don’t know what to do.

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There’s moments like these days I wish I was smaller or talented or whatever.

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I’m ate the lake at my town. 
it’s nice 

I hope my life is going to be better 

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Well it been a while I was bit busy what I mean by bust is school work, work, and just been lazy. I just been lazy and not wanting to do anything and just focusing in school I need to lock in. 

I had a weird dream a couple days ago I couldn’t sleep since my aunt was visiting for the weekend and I don’t like sleeping with other people in the bed. I don’t know I just like my privacy but I couldn’t really sleep.I just couldn’t it hard for me I just remember talking to God what I want to do in life. I think everyone knows it by now since I been saying for such a long time now. But beside the point I just talking to him and my Virgin Mary plush as well I was just talking to them till I could sleep. I was scrolling on social media too so I can tried my brain out so I get get brain rotten or whatever but still I feel asleep and I dream or daydream my leaving at the airport I didn’t know if dream it or not but I was saying good by to my family. I hug my mom a long time. But after that I not sure if connect it not I dreamt of taking an exam or having a lesion in school. But I think it an exam the more I think about it. But it an exam about happiness. It was wacky dream since bottom of my paper it had eye if rah of a character from squid game. Think from me seeing it the other day and the top of of the paper like across of the photo there was an other photo of a baby the photo blurred out but there was a caption on it and it states, 

“are people born happy?”

And then I work up. It was really a strange and funny dream. Funny since the photo were kinda wacky and the class room looked like a philippines class room. I never been to the Philippines but we were wearing their uniforms and stuff. Plus I’m not Filipino and the classmate were squid game characters well I think they were. A Korean show that adult in dept going to school in the Philippines it a funny concept but one thing that stuck with me is the are people born happy and I question that too. Is it I’m not not sure myself. Maybe it ment to be deep or not but I’m not sure I don’t dream much if I do it easily don’t have meaning but that stuck with me. I still thinking about even if been a couple of day. I just having a drespressing episode that night since I was being drespred and felt like I went on my knees and hold on God’s foot saying and begging for him to passed and live out my dream. I know it sound really cringe but it true! I usually vision myself doing that. But I never get anything in the end. I don’t blame it on him I really can’t but I don’t know what else to do. To keep my mind off it I been doing school work. But I did an audition for one a couple weeks ago I found on insta but I been finding more resources of the company but there isn’t much out there I think a very new one or I just getting scam. I to pussy I get more stress thinking of getting scam. I didn’t put my card information but I think I’m scared of wasting my time. Because that what can I do you know. It just I don’t know I really don’t know. I say a note on twitter a yeasterday or so? It stated 

“very soon you will smile and say.. God this is more than I prayed for” 

and I hope that a sign. 

My friend is sick and planing to go out with her but I want her to be healthy since who wants to be sick I just to be healthy and plus it my friends birthday tmr. I’m excited her gift came early it cups my friend recommended for her. I hope she likes it I’m going to write her a note as well on tome of that. I’m not sure if I give her a lostion or candle since I am in dept and I don’t have much to spent. I’m going out with her on saturday and on Sunday I’m going out with family to restaurants so I’m a bit busy. I don’t know when I write again but I do love writing it a why to keep my mind running plus to destress a lot of my feelings and life. I do draw as well, and I also do taekwondo. Planing to go to the gym as well but the printer isn’t working so it been hard but I got the ID after years. I think my emails don’t answer back

weird

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My brain is having a big brain fart I can’t think anything to write lol. 

I did nothing today but ate and just sleep plus finish some work from school. 

I  having nothing to say I been seeing a lots of 111s I hope something good plus I got I working tomorrow it an 6 hour shift which sucks but I’m getting a paid next weeekkkkk. My family really need money atm plus I need to pay off my dept. too much stress my mom ask for $500 and unfortunately I don’t have that I really feel bad. You really need the money and I can’t give them to them cause I can’t. I don’t have that much money. I felt bad I really did. I feel kinda awful. I can’t do anything. 

Why does life even happen? It like an exam that I’m failing. 

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When I was going to class this morning I thought of a depressing thought. There was this kid I like. He was really cute but I thought he was way out of my league due to well he’s really smart. Like super smart while I was on an IEP in high school while he took the AP and Honor classes while  I was taking CP classes. I did took Honor and AP classes and I never pass them but I was there. That how I ment him. We never talk because why would I? It was short lived crush I kinda forgot about him till now.  I thought of him today because I thought what would happen if we did became a couple. If I did took that shot you know. Well I thought it wont end well. He’s going to one of the top school in the US and while I’m in community college. I’m dumb and not talent in anything and he smart and super talent with his own intellectual. I know it dumb to think what will happen but I just thought of it since we both are the same ethnicity and they same upbringing you know and I thought I’m way to dumb for him. He made his parent proud while my parent are happy I went to school in the first place. We both are going to the medical field. Him being a doctor while I thinking of ending it all since I truly not passion of becoming a nurse you know. It just that I all I ever know taking care of people. Treating them I did that with my grandma and did that with my father and sometimes with my mom when she was sick. 

I thought of I’m doing it out of passion and love or is that all I ever know?being an aid towards people. But of topic yeah I just thought of maybe I’m not over him or just I envy his life. Envy his intelligence. I truly not sure I still find him cute but I hope he really succeeds in life. He live a long life full of love and passion. That all I want for people. I just thought of him this morning since I saw a school add for a really popular and good school and thought of him. Maybe it would been nice to smart. I really not good in anything really. I just don’t have talent really. I’m worry so much of the person who I become than the person I am now. 

I had a mental break again a couple night ago. How much I’m asking and being upgreatful of what I have. It true I am ingreatful I have lots of flaws than charm. It something I think often. I truly loosing the side of hopefulness. I hope I’ll find it the rainbow connection. Find the inner peace. The self love. To love life and truly love myself. I hate me I never really proud of anything I did. But I hope God is nice enough to help me find it.

I have this goal of mind that I been saying for months now. To pass the audition for this small company. It something I truly want. Maybe typing it speak to exist. 

I hope I have a good day and everything goes well. 

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I had a really busy day I went to R&B with my parents. That’s like two hours away. It was a painful. I hate headaches in the car, but we’re also great experience. I mean, not great I don’t like going to the DMV I think no one wants to go. I just had a very busy day and I made a YouTube video and I haven’t done that in a while. I’m trying to do things without thinking so much. I just been not mentally well I guess these days I was a little more strong, but not so strong. I wanna pick up the language I haven’t been doing it in two weeks but I’m gonna start tomorrow. I promised myself if not, strike me over a river and kill me don’t actually bye I promised myself. And now I’m writing this I think I’m gonna check the audition tomorrow. My mom mentioned it and I think it’s a good time to check. I’m very fucking nervous. I’m expecting the worst expecting nothing but I’m not sure you know it’s very tough. I always excite myself and then I just get this disappointment. Just know one text me back And I know it’s good to get rejected in your life because nothing will go your way, but I kinda hurts you know. I just been trying to distress myself a bit, but that’s not working. I’m getting more acne. I’ve been very stressed even my mom mentioned my face just look tired and I am tired. I got classes work. I haven’t seven hour shift tomorrow which doesn’t sound that exciting. I have been eating too much but I also was gaining weight so I guess that’s a pro. But I should eat a little more. I’ve been getting a lot of stomach aches, but I think is due to the stress I’ve been having plus I haven’t been checking my audition. I have to check it because if I don’t, what would happen you know and I’m so fucking nervous for it. I’ve been very nervous these last couple days just having horrible anxiety, and I even told my mother that I don’t want to go to the DMV because of my nervous you know. Truly I don’t know I hope there’s luck in me. You know I really do. I don’t want to jinx myself and saying I will get the audition, but I don’t wanna trick myself that I won’t get the audition you know. Because if I say something negative, the negative energy will come out in the world. But if I’m overly confident, I’ll just get destroyed with my own self insecurity. It’s a very complex things going on my mind I just been very stressed and depressed and just from this I’m getting more acne. I just been my very best really I haven’t been myself as he could tell from my writing but a lot of people seeing that I’m not being me you know the little goofball not to glaze myself, but I’ve been so funny plus I wanna get back to drawing cause that’s a skill. I have fun fact. a good news, I actually do have of all the bad news and stress out I do is that in my taekwondo class I was first place of spying. It may be a little but I’ve never been first place and I kind of feel happy yes the other students are younger than me, but not that much Plus I am the smallest one too. I’m very short if you meet me in person not to sound like a pick me, but I’m really am short like disgustingly short so I actually kind of felt proud not too much. I haven’t felt proud proud but little by little you know. My mom told me I’m very impatient. It is true. I am very impatient. I want something now like the auditions. I always want it now now now and I always want it to be perfect, but that’s not life is. I’ll truly a little worried about my future, but I think I too much thinking about my future and not thinking about my present you know what’s happening in my life right now and not happening in the next five years and I think they’ll call me a bit, but knowing my mind, I think about the future all over again in like 15 minutes And yesterday I sound crazy, but I was talking to myself or God even in the bathroom you know when I was taking a shower because that’s when everyone has their deep thinking and I was having those days of me having a deep think you know. if it felt kind of weird talk to him while I was making with the shower water coming down through my head, but that’s where my mind was mentally clear and I can actually speak what’s really going on without begging you know. Talking about my goals, talking about my struggles and just talking about generally what’s going on without you know begging well I think I didn’t beg but it’s the most clear I ever talk you know without having a mental breakdown or just in general being angry at him, I made myself very civil. I know, right I don’t know the audition won’t turn out. I have an idea it’s gonna turn out no response. I just thinking too much but I don’t know. I don’t wanna say anything because if I say anything or I think too much of it, it’s not gonna happen. You know, I always expect nothing cause I usually get nothing. I worry too much and just end up being disappointed because I got no response. I think this time I’ll still get no response, but I have to check it. You know just for that little. Hope you know that tiny hope that I hope I get in but realistically you won’t. It’s like winning a lottery, even though that it’s a very very low chance you’ll never get in this lifetime is good to hope that you might and unless I see the auditions I’ll probably never get in this lifetime but that little hope in me wants it you know I don’t think I don’t know. I have too much going on in my life and I don’t want to think too much or expect something if I don’t think realistically, you know, I know I’m sick you know a lot but it’s just been in my mind a lot and I just not mentally well as he gets clearly tell from my writing and just in general my days I’ve been going to for funerals I been stressing a lot with school me being behind plus my laziness of my addiction on my phone. I be behind about my learning language. I really want to learn, but I just have a bit doing it because of laziness I’m gonna admit it now plus with my grandma and tomorrow I have work and I can’t take care of her and we don’t know who’s gonna take care of her well I don’t maybe they do. I have that eight hour shift tomorrow seven hours. I have a really long shift. I have a ton of homework I need to do. I haven’t even seen my friends a lot and we’re all poor. I don’t have much money in my bank plus I have that debt. Everything just been kicking my ass and nothing’s really going my way you know. I ask God for too much and I always ask him. Hey can you let me pass you let me pass can something go happen in my life and I never get a response and I think that’s just having my complication with my own religion and just in general, my own self. I think I’ve been asking too much and been taking too much or it’s not for me and I don’t wanna admit that you know I don’t want to say oh this lifestyle not met for me. 

Like I said with me with nursing, it’s just something I’ve been knowing for so long and everyone just suspect me to be a nurse. It just seems realistic, but and knowing deep down myself, I probably won’t like it, but is the destiny I need to move on you know That sucks. Because there’s a girl who wants to have the position to have. And I know that and I think I’m being selfish with this. Like there’s someone who has a dream I want and they’re in their position and I want their position is sometimes nothing is fair. And that stinks about life you know as growing up there’s a lot of things that went through throughout my life. The good the bad and the ugly and I always wonder why my life ended up like this why things are not going my way and I still wonder that nothing has changed. I don’t know I’m going with us but as I matured, I realize nothing really is fair and I hope I really hope older me. We’ll just be proud how life ended up if not, what can I do about it? You know one there’s something I could do about it I’m not that old version of me. I’m still 19 year old girl well woman now but I could change something now I’m thinking about it. I could really change something. I’m not that 50 year old person I think in my head I just think my life is over because I have a mentality 50-year-old But I don’t know I’m still 19 is saying a lot of people call me old fuck dude I don’t know. I could tell you something funny so I can end this little note not positive. Well, some positive note I had a weird dream last night. I dream about me having like a stuff like I had a beer growing in my face and I got a bunch of acne I think it’s just showing how insecure I am with myself, but Also that felt uncomfortable. I actually felt it and I was like I will not look good as a guy . But wasn’t that guy also a chick I think like symbolizing like a beard and I was growing little more masculine features. There is something else going on that dream but I don’t remember. But yeah, it was a weird dream. I thought it was a little wacky. I hope I dreamed something good tonight. But I don’t wanna overhead myself. 

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I’m laying in bed and I feel like so depressed about myself so much worry so much stuff. I just want to give up 

I hope my spark can come back soon really. 

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Hello

im back well kinda it just I haven’t have the time time to write really I have a lot of time of work,school,hw, plus taekwondo, and also of my grandma and really I been a bit busy with stuff more normal than anything really. Nothing too major like more boring human things. Plus this week is supposed to have my period too which sucks really I don’t like blood. How ironic a person who want to be a medical does like blood,, But it not the main job I want lol. But I don’t want to ask for much I do promise that I never keep. That more a shame on myself than anyone I even tell promise to God that I never keep either it is really shameful but I have a reason. I just a pussy scary cat who scared of rejection or just keeping my hopes high. I hate that part of myself. But I’m not perfect really I think I have good traits I not sure what they are since I shame myself over the little things but these day I been clear in my mind. I think it the conversation I had the bathroom with God when I showering. I know a little weird since I was naked but we were born naked so he doesn’t care and why should I? Bit yeah I been a bit mental but not so much since of school and my grandmother and my job since I’m working more hours but I need more money! So not so bad really I am a bit happy happy I’m working more so I don’t have to think so hard. I like talking to people a lot. I’m quite a social butterfly but it just I’m shy and have speech problems so I don’t talk much but I love talking! really I do whitch a lot of people don’t see that side of me. Like I love traveling and seeing what the world around me it just don’t do it since I have no time and my family can’t travel we have the money and laziness I’m a really lazy person.

I really am since I hate checking my email, my homework and everything really. I just plain lazy really I am a lazy person. I not going to hid it you know I want to be 100% really with myself and from that show my flaws I have many and many of it. And since I not really well mentally since being of 2024 it been a year. Wow… a year? It been a while you know but there been ups and downs. But even if all the negative I still hopeful you know. I been okay well these been okay. Not perfect since I’m scared shitless  of checking my email and dept and homework and school. Plus my grandma but a good nice since I having saw my friends I love mi amigas really I do! I love them to have great life’s and live the really they always wanted. Whatever goal they have I wish them the best!!!! same goes for everyone really. maybe I’m a good mood today like some good will happen but don’t want to be so hopeful really. I just scared you know. Maybe I’m still a little kid in heart. Well I got a two hour class that ends at 2 I got snacks but not sure I’ll eat it since I hate eating at school. But I need to pa attention but I’m most likely go one my phone.

Peace!  

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I was having a good day this morning even with the raining weather I dress nice even I had nothing to do. I felt pretty after a long time I haven’t seen the number repeating after a while only once a while I thought maybe joy is clear but sometimes I get stress. A lot really. I say the health insurance is not taking our money and needed us to pay whitch okay I get but it kinda ruin my day since I remember I still have dept and I only have 77 dollars in my bank and maybe less since I spent like 80 dollars whitch I should have spent since I need money to pay off it plus my grandmother is having her episode yelling and screaming while I’m taking care of her. I hate it. Moment like these bring me back why I always so depressed. I feel like crying sometime even if my grandmother doesn’t know kinda hurts. I do so much for her and I’m the only grandchild to take care for her. Sometimes it hurts you know. Her yelling at me and not following what I said hitting me hurts me really. Maybe I too sensitive and she doesn’t know what she doing but sometimes it just makes me want to scream. It not her fault and she not doing it on purpose I don’t know what I’m saying it just it so easy for me to ruin my own good day because of something so little. I feel like a little girl again because I remembered I can go home with a good day having a time of my life but my dad got kick out. 

Yesterday was ash wesnesday maybe it a sigh to have to strong battle. I feel ugly now funny how sensitive I can be. I try to be nice and have a good time but it all of brain you know I love to day dreams of different realities my life will end up. Someone who’s a celebrity and made a name for themself made their parents proud. Going out to party taking like i was in guest at some host, or talk about me winning a metal or taking about a book i wrote. Anything but the reality I don’t live that life. I’m lying to my self hell also wait for the numbers to change so I can get a sense of the comfort that things will change. I daydream that I did pass the audition and traveling around the world. Hell I even pretend that I am pretty to break away of the reality that I do live.

 A 19 year old that live with her demtina grandmother and her aunt her parents live in the basement that attended to community collage for nursing even she hate being a caregiver because she  have nothing to live for. She never been to a relationship or even hold hands with anyone she doesn’t talk to her friends that often anymore and lost a couple after grandation. An ugly bitch that does nothing to change because she expected to be ofter  to her. She living in her delusional because all she does is rot in her bed and complain about everything.

that all I am. I have nothing to live really my cousin said I will end up broke and be nothing whitch he joke about often since I say Ill be someone but I guess he’s right. I had a good morning being hopeful how life will take my I achally felt okay to be a nurse. But now it for and not sure anymore. I not sure who am I. I wish just wish God will let me pass the audition or even let me be happy and died being someone someone that I’m proud of. Not me not this version of me a better version you know. A version that I like. I don;t do anything bad per se I don’t smoke or drink I never hung out the wrong crowd plus I never lies towards my parent just little white lies. I never been to a party or even gotten in invited. When my dad did drink a lot we argue a lot and I even hated him but I still taken care of him and even told lies towards my mom just for him because I loved him. And vise verse for my mother towards my father.  I help my mother t guilt trip my dad to stop drinking. I did my best in school I achally never cheated until my junior year. I had an IEP and my gpa was 3.4 good for a dumbass for me I don’t take too much credit for it I was in an IEP and did cheated and got a lot of modifications so I think without it it will be an 2.7. In collage I pass in my work well I tried I failed a class. I never really spoke bad behind someone back. I don’t really defend myself I never did or anyone really. I let people walk over me since I hate the feeling someone hating me or thinking I’m rude. It the feeling of rejection I hate. It the worst feeling. For a long time I kept a person as a friend ands eh use me for her homework and answer that was all. A lot people talk to me like I’m a child because I will let them use me. If someone over charge me I eon’t say a thing it happen once. Or I didn’t like the food I wont change it. I’m quite active I did many sports young. I pay for people a lot even if they don’t have money Ill pay for them. Once in a while I give some change for the homeless or people beforming on subways. I try to be a better person but also I’m not I really not a great person. I have many flaws really. I get angry a lot. I pay in my bed  and do nothing. I draw a lot and write a lot what I’m thinking. I payed the guitar once and my aunt said I suck so I stop. I hate people getting mad at me and yelling at me. I can’t really hand arugemts since I will always say sorry. Felling like a dick. I rember once’s a friend aruge about me and a friend since we Figure out she vape or something and I was the one saying sorry. I don’t know why. It a funny story. I hid the dept from my parents since I never told them about it and I don’t want them to worry it my fault plus the schooling I pay for it I don’t want them to pay.

I don’t know why I’m writing all this really. It just my mind firguing out what I went wrong? I haven’t felt happiness in such a long time or some proudness. Even when I graduated high school I didn’t felt happiness or proudness since I knew I’ll graduate and I had an IEP so my work wasn’t hard. I wonder a lot what God is doing to me you know. I felt proud that I pass my driver test after the 3rd try when I was seriously ill but now I hate driving because I made them angry only picking one of them up and I is my fault I was in the wrong for that. I promise myself I won’t drive for now. Plus since my aunt hate my dad the only times I see him is when he driving me to work and taekwondo I don’t want to loose that. It really the only times I see my dad.  

I think i went over bored with sharing this i think it the most I talked. I made a promise of myself one this phase of my life ends I will delete this whole blog. But I don’t know when tho. I have a lot in my mind and a lot of worries guilt and failure. I think of all the things I faces as a person Catch up to me. I have one thing that keep my mind happy it fanfic and fanart. I still do that at my grown age but I really love seeing my two favorite characters getting into a relationship ugh I love it! Looking at fanart. When I was younger it was  doujinshi ugh loved it when i was a kid. I never bought but I always wanted to get one but I’m not in Japanese but maybe one day but I’m not too into anime anymore.  But I always wanted to get a jjba caejose doujinshi or an anime figure of them. They were my OTP for a while I know it cringy but I’m writing this an ao3 for God sake.  I always wanted to go to Disney World or land. Riding those parks I meeting the mascot getting those ears and to Lego lands and getting my own figure to have a souvenir. I always saw my favorite YouTube channels go and I always wanted to go and still now as a grown woman! I want wanted to go to Korea see the Han river a lot of idols talk about. I always ever since I was a child go to Finland ugh I love to go one day. I loved vocaloid as a kid. Omg I love it. Seeing people dance in their cosplay and dance the song drop pop candy ugh I love to do it at a con with my own cosplay. Or even with a friend who do with me. Maybe that made me love to be performer one day. I rember watching people going to cons and doing videos with their cosplay. As I got older I stop this because it just weird you know. A lot people find it weird and I stop since I don’t want anyone to know that part of me. And I outgrown it a bit. But it something I cherish a lot because it gave me some comfort of the life I live because they’re in those kind. My dad was a very, very heavy drinker. And I use to hear agurment from my parents.  It’s one way to separate my reality by watching vocaloid videos, watching people going to looking at things and I pretend that I was doing it. I know weird but I never did that fanfiction tho I loved reading it since it wasn’t my life. It gave me this comfort and who I keep my mind is with MF DOOM, Stray Kids, BIGBANG, Sabrina Carpenter etc,  and school and day dreaming a life that I clearly don’t live. 

I wrote a lot and over shared a lot and I had very mix emotions writing this lol I even cried because I am much of a pussy. I really am. I grown up a lot. And did nothing much of all the years I was alive. This is tmi but I tried to end all in  July of 2024 I had a was over with life and I had a huge argument with my mother something she probably doesn’t remember and I don’t either but I was stress with life and that was breaking point. It not her fault not even the agreement it just my pass sin coming back again. I’m not saying how I try to i  end it going to be a secret with myself. But I do regret it a lot even. No one knows in my life. I want to keep in that way for a long time. I don’t want people to know it some I deeply regret. It was my biggest mistake. And I honestly don’t think I’ll ever admit that in my personal life because I’m deeply shamed with it maybe when I’m older I’ll admit it but right now I have this very day and age no I don’t want anyone to worry about me. He has I’m going through very tough times right now and I feel so depressed and my mental health is draining every single day but I’m still cracking jokes to people. I’m still the same old person, they know this blog is the way to express my frustration at life. I am not happy ill admitted that nor happy about how my life ended up because it is my own fault how my life ended up you know I have no one to blame but myself. I have no one to get angry at because why would I get angry with those the decision I made for myself. I chose to be lazy and I chose to lay in my bed all day and not do my homework like I’m supposed to. I chose many mistakes and one the biggest mistake as me trying to commit suicide. He has a lot of my life is very frustrating. I feel frustrated and I had a lot of stuff in my life. I hate it. I never really asked for my dad to be an alcoholic, but I have no one else to blame of that. You know maybe my past self did something horrendous and I’m doing the suffering for them. That’s how I view it because who do I blame default no one I’m not gonna blame anyone. This whole blog I made or writing this is just a way for me to be stress. I know I wrote a lot today but right now this day and I’m at my turning point. I get very frustrated so easily and I know that I had a great day this morning, but it turns sour once my grandmother yelled at me and I saw the dept I’m in his. I’m getting a lot of flashbacks when I was younger, and I was having those frustrated moments with my father, even though it’s been a long time since he last drank I just don’t know why I keep repeating that moment like he’s still drinking. He is not the person he was. I don’t know why they still part of me. Think he is. Like my mom said I just get so frustrated so easily so impatient hoping that something will happen in my life but the only person who make this. It’s not God it’s me. I’m the one who makes these decisions. I remember I really want to pass the audition. I still do I really do but it’s my decision to not checking the emails because I’m so scared of rejection. I can’t face it and I still do and I don’t promise God that I’ll check it but these are empty promises I always make towards people And I even made it towards God himself. I made a spark, so I could really frustrate my life. You know try to be very open with myself, but also try not to say too much. I’m not saying names, nor the people around me because I want to keep this very anonymous not too anonymous. I’m sharing a lot of things happening in my life, but I could be out a normal person. I could say I’m a woman but I could be a trans woman I could be saying I’m a woman but reality I’m a trans man or vice versa or whatever or non-binary. I’m whatever. I could be white I could be black I could be Asian I could be whatever, but those things are very, not important in my life. Those things are not really important for the block you know I just want to keep this very open. Maybe some share very similar stories with me and it could be from two different worlds share the same frustration or not. But right now writing this I wrote like 2500 something words it’s because I’m in my turning point these last couple days I just been in a better mood just better in general. Being OK with life the second my grandmother yelling at me that’s when I broke down, but this is a way for me to cope my own emotion since I’m not really good at it. I kept my emotions in the box for a very long time and last year when I finally just you know, gave up. 

it is true I really gave up expressing my emotions. I cried every night I yelled at people, and I have a very non-emotional face is really hard to read my face. I’m not too expressive plus, I never really told people how I feel truly I lied a lot. I really do lie lie lie of everything and anything not to my parents. Why would I lie to my parents, but in general I do like a little funny lies not too extreme lies. I know it’s a sin but still I’m human you know we all commit sin and they’re not really bad lies either I just lie about my name or I just lie about a really fun fact like I climbed to Mount Everest, every day but everyone knows I’m joking that’s the point of it like I say oh I’m half Dutch even though I’m very short I’m not and I always lie with my friend to tell no you’re lying that’s the were  people laugh or something. It’s not that funny but I do it pretty often. It’s my way of my sarcasm. I really should honestly stop, but I say that, but I still do it. But besides the point it’s just I really had a breaking point in my life and I really feel frustrated of everything and anything you see my ups you see my downs. I wrote this blog in September it’s been well over seven months. or something like that I’m not quite sure. Those last seven months were hell I’m gonna be dead honest. But also a little before that before I had the blog I had a journal and I wrote  my frustrations my everything similar when I’m writing now. Yeah I don’t know. I just feel different Turing  point really. I know I say this a lot this is my turning point in the next day. I’m end up crying and being frustrated with life, but I really hope this is it but i can’t promise that. But I don’t wanna make empty promises cause I always do. I don’t want this to be my turning point and I just do nothing about it. This is the holy month I believe I’m not quite sure because it is  Ramadan and lent the same time and I really think that’s beautiful and I believe it spirit  It is the most beautiful time. 

I really hope whatever life takes me. It’ll be beautiful. It will be wonderful. It will be something like I said once I’m laying on my death bed and God came up to me and says were you proud of this lifetime? I will say yes I also really want to write a memoir it’s one of my life goals. I love to write a memo to go more in deep. my life isn’t special per se. It’ll be a very boring memoir. I don’t want it to sell. it’s just a really big goal of mine. But I want to write a little later in life not right now. I wanna say around my 60s if I lived that long. or maybe my 50s I feel like 50 is a good  age cause I live 50% of my life.  How many goals too. I really love to be a performer or an artist. Just to become a famous person like I said, but the famous slowly going with my goals I just wanna be a performer or an artist. That’s why I do the auditions, but I never get a callback. Maybe I’m a little ugly or something. And since I audition for so many of them, I want to say a good 30 all three of them I never heard a callback or a response. Which can be very frustrating. It really broke me even. Even thinking about them still kind of hurts because I see people on TV or on my phone living the dream I want and even being younger than me living at my dreams and I’m getting old. I’m really am I get almost jealous even fuck I know it’s selfish but it’s true. But not everyone is supposed to live out their dreams and something I’m still dealing with, but I wanna keep that life very open but not my focus because it’s got a mentally drained me. I do a lot of things to keep my mind off of everything. I have a quite very loving family and I feel like I don’t do them justice writing this, but they’re really great people. It’s just a lot of fighting. But they’re really good people and I want to express that but I wanna focus on myself because this is my blog not their blog. my friends are great people too, and I don’t do them justice either. There’s a lot of my people in my life who are just amazing people towards me. I just don’t trust this writing this because my depressed self is writing how much life sucks. Cause it’s true. I really am frustrated and I can’t even look at myself in the mirror, hating myself. But writing. This is a good way for me to express myself. I feel calmer writing it. I feel happier even.  Are used to write every single day, but recently not so much well these last couple months, not too much. 

Hell maybe once I actually became famous or something very important. They might find us, but it’ll be deleted and I don’t want people to know this was me. This version myself wasn’t them because I improve myself and I don’t want this depressed time. To be very important I wanna be vulnerable but not too vulnerable. And that’s why I’m worried about that song fine this is me the person writing this. I don’t want that I don’t want it. Like I said once I’m fully OK well life I’m great. I’m awesome. Hooray I’ll delete this blog. I think I’ll still keep my poetry, but I’ll just delete this whole thing. I don’t think a lot of people read this either maybe like two chapter since this woman’s cringe to move on. Which I don’t mind at all. This is for me and I like to pretend I’m talking to an audience cause I never shut up. I really don’t. I talk a lot. oh yeah, I just want to become a person that I’m truly I’m happy with truly in touch with. I love to be a performer going on stage having millions of people to talk to. Sing my heart out or dance my heart away or draw my heart away or whatever I’m doing. Maybe I don’t live where I live right now maybe I live across the country or across the world. Or I live where I’m living right now.there’s so many opportunities out there if I’m not doing anything with it cause I don’t know where to start or how to do it. That little old me that I think about is way more depressed. I am right now. Because I see a lot on TikTok saying they would love to go back in their childhood I wouldn’t. I will never want to go back because it was not the best childhood but it wasn’t worse it’s just not what I want to go back with. I don’t wanna sit here and people think much effort was awful. It really wasn’t. It was just pretty normal. I just had a lot of things going on like I said earlier one thing my parents regret is giving me the life I have right now. My dad regrets drinking and my mother regrets giving me this life, but I really hope they don’t feel that anymore. I really hope once I am in my 30s there happy how I ended up. They don’t feel that they regret this of having me giving me this life because they personally meet so many mistakes I don’t want them to feel that because I truly think they’re one of the best parents. I really love my parents, even though we struggle a lot as a family.

I just truly hope my future is bright. I still want my spark back. I truly hope I don’t die at 25 and became nothing. I truly hope I died in my 70s and became something even though never fulfill the goals. I had I became something. I took this opportunity on earth to become who I meant to become. I don’t have that family trust cause I don’t want kids well kind of but right now I don’t want them maybe just one so I could give my parents some grandchildren. But they have my cousins and they have my older brother. They’ll be fine.  Well don’t think this is a goodbye. I think I’ll write a little more but I think this chapter in my life is coming to close. Maybe you’ll be tomorrow maybe in three months maybe in three years but I think it’s coming a little closer than I expect it will be. Maybe I’ll find that spark maybe the spark’s coming closer than I expect I’ll be or maybe it’s just all in my head. I’m going crazy. I don’t know, but once I delete this blog, it’ll just be a turning point officially closing this chapter and moving onto the next. Also right of course, but not within an audience. Well, there’s no audience here, but still not with online or anything. It’ll just be in private until I write that memoir or express my frustration through art or music or whatever or never even. 

Well happy Ramadan and happy lent or whatever holiday celebrate. there’s millions of religions out there. Maybe I’ll archive this thing. I’m thinking about it, but once this ends, it ends. I hope everyone, including myself have a great rest of the year and great rest of our lives. 

:p

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Well,,, I been very depressed these last couple of days. It getting a point that I don’t want to leave my bed and do nothing just sleep till my next life. If am being honest I don’t have much of expectations for my future at all. Everytime I think about it it seems gray and this what going on now is my life. I wrote something to be meanful for me but it going down the drain now and I just giving up. I wrote “about me” to feel like my own life is meaningful. But these last couple of days I just feel nothing. Yesterday my grandma pull my hair no reason and I just didn’t do anything since I just to punish for my own wrong doing. I promise myself to be nicer to myself but it so hard since I just keep doing the same thing over and over. It a cycle I know I need to break but I don’t want to. I’m not going to sit here and pity myself it my own fault why I feel the way I feel. Like my mother said 

“you can’t complain if your not doing a change for yourself.:

It true I’m not and I think the lack of motivation of life I have now. I just don’t want to anything at all. I to be a nothing like a rock meaningless nothing to offer in the world. I like that because your own mind want the worst for you. I’m spilt into two. A little part of hope the candle that still still have their fire their passion and the little void of nothing. The void been growing bigger bigger the more I have age. And slowly the void will find my candle and blow out the passion and I’ll truly lost the battle I been fighting for months. It showing on my face since I been getting acne and lot of it by hair is been the worst state. Long and unkempt. The clothes I hair is baggy and my sleeping way more than normal it not getting better really. It sucks it not the worst I looked and I see how bad I can get it more I haven’t been me really. There days I feel good those are days not writing and achally going having fun and other days like these last couple of days I feel nothing but pure saidness. When I write good thing in my head I want to write it and see if the universe will help me but it get go straight to my own face. Well enough bad talking really I’m not fully depressed since I still work and go to school and talk to people it just getting harder to do so these last couple of days. I think right now it my low point really.My nails are unkempt as well and once school is over I have to take care of my grandmother again. Since my aunt getting surgery. I hope everything goes well. Knocking on wood. I hope I really hope I that void of sadness just lose. Really I do. 

There not really good news for me. To say for this whole blog does sound depressing. I ate a burrito yesterday it was pretty good really! I liked it but it made me a little sick this morning I threw up a bit not too much tho. But I’m feeling better! I hope that man business goes well! He seems pretty excited for it from the way he talk to my dad and I plus he works as a barber as well. I really hope it goes well. I think people will love to eat there! Ummmm let see I’m trying to find good news about my life, I’m working more but that not really good news tho.. let hope there is. I’m littlerty crossing both my finger and toes and butthole. I’m getting paid this week yay. But I got to pay off my debt so nay. I have money in my bank will kinda. 

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Well I had a good today today I think it went very well achally and I let out of my chest. 

I had a conversation with my mom about my depression I just I told her the nearly the whole truth but before that I should added content. At my work we had training it about people that overdosed and how to help them I brought some to my mom so she can bring them to work since there a lot of druggie near the area but talking to the guy we had a long conversation about addition and how it effect of own life from him being a drug addict and me well me growing up with my dad. It was a really nice conversation and made reflect of my own character since I hate if admitting it was big part if me for so long. 

that tiny conversation had a domino effect and made to me confessing my own depression and how I felt the last year and my stress and worried and anxiety everything really. Well beside my suicide like I said I’m taking it to my grave. But I just creak and felt go to express my own dark thought that I been holding for so fucking long. I feel a lot was off my shoulder really. I feel more calm it hard to describe really. 

I had a great day lol as much I love complain but it felt good to admit something that been killing you for so long. I was like a bottle that just burst open. It felt calming. We had a long conversation and a good memory really it was really a nice day. I feel at peace even a little it something plus I found a quarter on the ground when I was cleaning it the meaning of good luck and fortune. I think it a sign to move on, To close a chapter of growing up because you never stop growing. Life is ment to have trouble because if we never felt sorrow we will end up robots, it okay to cry, laugh, and feel good about your self. I still have many dreams and I been saying it over and over again that I think the whole world knows. But I just feel something so secretive was out. I know going forward it hard but I find my way. Because it will happen when it need to happen. I will become an artist it takes time and will happen when it need to happen. I need to focus on me. Because I’m not me the 25 woman  I think often but me now a 19 year collage student that has big dream and big future that will happen when the time is right. 

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I thought life might be change but it hit you like bus. I had a bad day today. I really did I just want to give up. I had a bad day 

I feel like nothing I really had a bad day and I just feel like every time there’s something good it has to reflect something negative. I don’t know write I feel nothing 

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I had a haircut today. I been feeling better just keeping my mind off but dreading my email that I have to fucken check I promise I will be never do. But I got my hair and eyebrows done to feel better plus I had my favorite food today so I can feel better about my self. Personally right now I felt insecure about my body. I felt chubby like really chubby. Plus we had good luck. Maybe my mom is good God is good I just a big sinner that going to sin over and over again. But yeah I can’t tell I hate my cut or I just feel insecure about myself. I kinda greatful no one knows I look like well on the internet not in person so they don’t judge how I look or sound or anything. Since I’m kinda very ugly like ugly ugly. I also been below average so of course my looks is. 

I also never get pick or anything. Or no one ever ask me out. Like nothing no boyfriend or sistationship, no date, no hook up, or even cat called. It is a privilege you know but apart of me want to have a heartbreak and fall in love so I can feel something so I don’t feel left out. That really it. That made me really made me the reason why I so insecure like that root of it. I want to be loved I know I have family and friends and that part of love is completed it just falling love is the part I’m missing. I really love love books why you think I have an ao3 lol. But the idea of finding a person that love you sound really nice. I normally person with normal feeling and a lot of people think I don’t want it which it is true but I want to try it at least once but it sound impossible I can never image someone loving me because it never really happen. I can’t explain this feeling. I love to fall in love but I think that what God does not want. Why never happen. It not in my future no matter how much I want. A lot of things are not ment for me. 

Falling in love, a breakup, being an artist, being famous, pets, moving,

I ment to be nothing but I do nothing about since my brain does not want to I beg so much and do nothing. I am very lazy, and I see that I will be lying if I say I do something about it. I do nothing really. I got to start doing something but I just don’t what to fucken start. I been doing good mental well to keep my head clear it just the depression really love to take over. But growth is growth! I thought cutting my hair can be a fresh start of life. But I think I looked ugly. And everyone love my long hair but I need this to just to feel something anything but I feel like a failure with no future. I feel bad feeling this 

 i want to be proud of me

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Vacation is over I’m going back to school. Nothing much to sayyyy really I kinda in in normal mood not happy nor said. I feel kinda ugly tho Since I got a burn on my left eyebrow and hoping it wont scar. It pretty ugly looking it red but it at my my eye fold so it I look down you can see it but I have glasses so I think it fine. I wear glasses to school so I find it just making insecure but it will heal over time. It pretty ugly it almost 8 in the morning but my class doesn’t start till 30 minutes. I come to school pretty early since my mom drop me off to the train station Thanks mom! But makes me have a lot of free time, that I could be doing homework but I don’t want to it to early! Plus I was just one vacation I worked a lot during my break plus I was taking care of my grandma! It just a part of my just don’t want to do anything that what I hate about me All I do is complain and does nothing about it. I really don’t deserve anything since I never really work hard for it. I not a good person I don’t view myself as one I did onces but know no. So I want to have everything handed having a gold spoon on my mouth and being inpatient. I don’t have filter so people can get annyoed by me and I see it on their faces even my mom. I love talking I really do but it just I never shut up and I get annoying. Repeating the same thing, only talking about me I am selfish now I thinking about it. I never work hard for anything really, I had a very good life and I got everything I ever wanted handed over me. I have two of my parents, my aunts and uncle that love me, friends, a job, I go to school, I never struggle at all. I am well off, I don’t pay rent or do much of home task, nothing, I don’t cook, clean nothing. I cheat, sometimes even sometimes I hate it to attempt really but I think I prettier than someone. Gosh how stupid of I. I think I am skinny when clearly I’m not. It just I am a bad person to my core, I feel ashamed of it thinking I’m better than someone when clearly I’m not. I will always be below average and always be. I think to highly of me and pity my sorrow because I have no sorrow. I lived a life privileged. 

I asked myself if I lived this great life why do I feel so sad about myself. I always break promises of myself. That why I say “no promises” I don’t want to give this flawed hope. I don’t want to people expecting more from me since I am worth so little and other people around me deserve better. A lot of people do. I see my friends and family suffer and want nothing more what their future hold to be glory. Praying to God they feel loved to feel happiness since everyone does. I am selfish really. I need to learn that. To move forward I need to see my flaws of my own character. Because moving forward is a hard challenge their days I I feel ashamed about my own person. Like now I keep rambling of how much I hate being me but I am meI can’t do nothing about it. I am always going to be me. I feel ugly and I second later I’m going to feel uncomfortable about how I look like now. It just writing makes me feel calm and it can be away to feel connected to my own dark feelings. I still don’t think I am a good person from the way I behaved. I don’t but can take time to feel conforble to be me. It not over night and not forever I feel sorry about myself. It hard to see my future I’m not sure if it bright but I think it dint not much of a spark. But it it my destion to make it bright again or to blow out the fire that is left. It hard to track my emotion and I feel so much and so little. But I need to calm down. There is people around me that does care about my well being and everyone feel selfish to feel useless to feel hopeless. I hope this year I can be someone to blued that spark I lost for a while. I haven’t felt true joy since the being of 2024. A lot of my emotions and feeling been bluiding up and I just lost it. It hard how life change for the better and worst. Loosing so much loosing your sense of love, hope and dream. There so much evil in the world. But everyday I need to remember that God has a plan. For better to worst. I not the most religious person my relation with religion is complicated and childish. But it okay to feel sad. Okay I got go I’m late for class.

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Loving who you are is own the biggest battle I’m facing right now. I’m trying to help myself to feel better but it clearly not working at the moment. I been feeling so insecure  about myself that I feel like a globin. I’m getting of acne and it loosing my confidence and I just want to look up in my room so no one can see me. It really bad since yeasterday and today I just feel so shit. Like rock bottom. 

It’s really bad today like I can’t see a photo of myself or anything. I always never found myself pretty. Well if I did it was long time ago. I never just said I looked more of I look better. I never liked my arm I think there too big for a person. It flappy and big and when I wore tank top or anything sleeveless it look ugly in my brain. I haven’t wore anything sleeveless in years with out feel insecure and thinking other looking at me. It been years since I last wore a sleeveless shirt. I only own one fun fact. and I don’t wear it even in the house. I usually have a cardigan if I am wearing a tank top. that why I don’t wear anything crop since I feel bad of the people seeing me in it since I feel naked and I feel shit. I think they look nice but it just make me look like a blob. An ugly one. I hate my legs. I think they are too big and makes me look fat. I have pretty big hips and I ate it since I feel like nothing I wear look good. Especially short. I think short look ugly on my chubby legs. I usually wear long sleeve and pants so no one can look at anything about me. I hate my face I hate how I looked. I have no jaw you can see my double chin. I have a lot of acne. I have very ugly looking hource teeth. I have fussy hair. My eyes are very uneven. I look bloated. I see on TikTok that called moon face but yeah I am. I hate my voice I feel like it very childish voice. That someone can get annoyed by,,, 

I think this myself esteem is affected by middle school so almost a decade ago. I want to say that I was pretty happy child really just very lonely. I wanted to say that my own depression started back in early 2024 because I just couldn’t hold my emotions for so long. I rember hating myself and hating photos hating everything and I wont nothing has chanced since then but I really hard to change it. But yeasterday I couldn’t sleep and just think dark thoughts about myself. But this morning I keep pity myself so now I’m at squared one. But like I said my own myself esteem effect in middle school,, 

I was around 12 or so and I just felt find how I looked but you know during that time I wanted to date. I always loved dincey moving and loved fanfiction of my favorite characters falling in love. Having these challenge that came with love. They my friend stated to date and people started to fall in love with her. I was so happy for her. It was sweet that she had all these love birds around her finger and til this day she can pulled anyone even till this day. She was so kind, and sweet. She had a very nice body always been so thin like those super model. Had these sweet eyes that can cast a spell to any man she wants. She the opposite of me really. I’m still very good friend with her. She still as and even more better looking now. with a very small face that suit her feature if she wasn’t very short she could have been a super model. I’m not joking! As a kid was a bit naive and I was waiting and waiting for someone to admire me was they did for my friend. Someone to confessed or even sent me a text that they wanted to hang out. But nothing. I never gotten my dm slide up, or even a text from anyone. Boys always ignore me and pass me a side to go to my friend or even text me about her. Or talk to me about her. I didn’t mind she me best friend. But I felt something was off of me. Did no one wanted me. It drag along with high school and I remember people texted me about my friend like I was just not a person. Girls and boys didn’t text me to be friends with me more help guide along to her. I felt invisible really. Like I wasn’t my own identity I was her sidekick. There one way ticket to her. I felt bad for my friend really, my friend didn’t know this happen. I told her years ago I think when we were 17 and she felt bad really. I felt almost her sidekick. She has a great soul and very kind heart I get why people to be with her. She has a heart of gold, so caring almost like a mother. She was there with with to good and the bad. She did struggle a lot with her own issue but I wont tell for own privatity and it not a story for me to tell. 

I love my friend she and I been together from thick to thin! A part of my know she doesn’t consider me her #1 best friend but I’m okay with that. She had a stronger bond with someone else. I don’t deserve her kindness and sweet nice it ache my heart, how life mis treated her. She did so much for me she my #1 best friend. I have two other friends that I do talk about! They are so sweet and so pretty. But I talk about them some other day! Since I want both of them to shine their own way! But yeah to conclude all this I feel insecure of the lack of attention I had, I know it selfish to think lie that. But I kinda love priase. I know itselfish and fishing for compliments but hey that how I am. It takes one bad comment to ruin my day and change my attitude. If you call me lazy, ugly and even my least favorite stupid. It ruin my week. I will think of it forever and I still do. I remember in kindergarten someone told me I have ugly and yellow teeth and I been hating my teeth since then. I’m not a strong person I’m very sensitive and I cry very easily. But it okay everything its okay. 

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Everyday is a new step in life. 

It okay to be sad,happy, bored, miserable, or just anything since you are you. You are human everyday it a step to blooming like a flower. It takes time to grow and move on. 

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I have like 3 hours sleep for today. I had finish my homework at 12 in the morning since I didn’t want to go it. I was just not feeling it. Than that I read a good ass fan fic. Well it not that good but I wanted to read it 1 40 in  the morning. Than go to school around 7 I woke up around 5 40 to print my 7 page essay that I did the night before and than finish 2 more homework that I needed to do. After that had class and after I went to the linearly finish 4 mini quizzed and an other home I need to be done and now I’m waiting for my other class. It an online class but I go to the liberty since I like to do my homework between. But I feel very accomplished but very tried because after that class I have go home and get ready for work and after work I need to go to taekwondo. I have no time to take a long break but it wensday I get a Mexican whitch I’m happy for! It the reward that I get after this long day it only 11 30 so a very long day. But tomorrow I have nothing to do at all so I can sleep all day since I knoww finish well what important now homework. But not really since I also got work tomorrow but no school!

well I been so busy with work and school and everything in been that I haven’t had time to write. I been all over the place. I been well! Well mentally I haven’t been truly been taking care of myself but I been grinding a lot. I been working and exercising like walking and have I believed all As whitch I very very proud of. Never in my life I had all A I felt a little joy after a long depression.

I am truly not recover yet. But every day little by little. I haven’t check my email in months of my dreaded fear but I hope everything goes good I hope everything in life will be good. It been okay. I am getting better. I have good and bad days like yeasterday that over slept for class and I felt shit because my mom wanted me to go the bank but I was busy with homework. I really felt bad. Everyday it not the same I need to learn that everything will not go right. Sometime it out of your control. It okay I’m okay. Everything is going to be okay if I keep my head up. Maybe I will check my email. It the huge freak of rejection being so close to your dream but feeling like a failure. I always wanted to be a big name. But I keep thinking about the future that I never think about myself. But I’ll be okay really I will be I need to trust the world, God anyone out there but also myself. I need to believed myself I’m be okay. 

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It been exactly two week since I wrote down my dairy/blog or whatever so… it been a while.. I just been going to school work and that really about it. I been just been doing those things it just been my day to day life. Doing those things constantly that a little burn out but I’m determined to do well at school. Right now I’m pretty sure I have straight As whitch I never had there all around the 90s I never gotten that before. I been sleeping less since I just doing homework since I really bad procrastination. It really bad but I make sure it is done. No matter what. I been working a lot getting more days in I work 6 hours this week since the it a middle school after school. I work on Tuesday, Thursday  and Friday. Plus on Friday it 8 hours long. I work part time since I am a full time student. I’m taking summer classes only two. Monday I didn’t do much since it was a holiday and everything was closed. I also my grandmother was very sick but it been just the common cold and I been saving money to get more clothes since I want to switch up my style a bit since I been not feeling confident in my appearance I look like a nerd and a weird girl but not those good kind but it a story for another time. I also been just been living well most my time it go to school and work go to school work. Do taekwondo and go to sigh up to the gym at my school since I been meaning to do that but I just been a bit scared of going to the gym. I always had to a lot of this to for my classes since I am going to summer school well for myself. I been trying to get all the money and cover settle since the semester is ending. I was to do a lot this summer since I been feeling very insecure of my look I want to go shopping I have a lot of money to spent but I got that striped dept but I think it will work out. Well I hope I can’t predict the future. Like that New York trip I plain with my friends ugh I hope we go! I need a vacation a me day. It spring and summer around the coner. I love to go out and get a tan swim my heart out! Travel go to places and been how I ment to be. I have many flaws but also many dream and my flaws are holding me back for example today my proffer was telling how some people had a hard time betting the essay together it a project we did it like random topics we need to pick out and somehow but them together I did the topic together and I think it blend pretty well but a back of me he’d said no You did something shit he hated but reality he loved my essay I wrote it with a sense of humor!

But my own self doubt my own self sabotage my own incercirity effect my life. It drain me. I can do so well and the second I mess up I want to wrap myself into this blanket that on fire so no one can look at this ugly beast that I call myself but it getting better I have lots of problems but I’m learning that I should treat myself a bit nicer once and a while. Because I am me. I not here to be miserable I’m here to be me really. I’m not prefect but I’m am learning to like myself since I’m not going to be anyone else not matter how hard I try. I can never erase the identity my soul really because no matter how much I change from my appearance fat, skinny, blonde, redhead, I will still have that same soul you know. It something I can’t erase not matter how much I change. I’m still that little girl and going to be that old lady. It going to be okay. I’m doing pretty well actually I got an A- on my essay whitch I’m happy about! I got more working hours and got clothes. I’m going to be fine..

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I don’t feel like an adult,
I’m just nervous for no reason I’m scared of being a failure of my own world. I mess everything and cry. I’m fucking scared of failing and making no one proud.
I’m I truly an adult. I failed of the test of life. I feel so fucking childish and blame everyone for everything. I’m not an adult.
I’m ment to be a miserable. That is my life destiny and I know I need to be postive but I view my life and I don’t know.

Today I saw my parent looking at kids playing and playground and I felt guilty of growing up. This feeling I need to be that small girl I wish I never grown up so never feel a sad wave of sadness of their owly daughter they created I’m scared of failing becoming someone that I hate. I don’t know what I want I feel guilty I’m sorry for growing of the person I grew up to be. I’m sorry I tried and dreaming too big. I was destined to be miserable for the rest of my life. I will never travel to Finland never become the artist that I want to become because I got no talent, never be smart I’m just right below average for everything.

Sometime I wish when I close my eyes I’m not me. I’m someone else. Someone that deserves everything someone that my parents and friends to love. I hate being me. I pray for one day I’m not me. That I’m not me. I hate everything to the bone about myself. Every cell and every little flesh because I’m poison to rest of people. I’m sorry I’m ranting I feel so bad today. I should have feel happy but ended the day just crying like a little girl.

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It my last week of week of school. I been okay I just sometimes need to an adult. I had time to become one. When I was younger I has very mature I gotten that a lot. I let people mostly adult cry on my shoulder. Let my friends cry on my shoulder my parents anyone. I took care of people and always been the oldest to everyone. Now I feel like a kid committing a sin of growing up. I miss a lot of childhood. Amy emotion was so little that I almost never cried but now I cry a lot. I feel too much emotion. I remember when I was younger people said to me that I show so little emotion but now I do a lot. 

I feel pluzzed of what I want. Should I be a nurse? Will I ever get married? Will anyone ill see me as a lover? Am I making a mistake in life? I hate disappointment and failure and stupidity I fear it. I just live day to day not caring life. If I die now I think I would care. Maybe I’ll feel joyful so I don’t worry of the person I may or may not become. I feel happy to die. I know it not good but it really what I feel these days. Maybe death is near. No im not going to kill myself. I have not feeling of doing it. I did it once’s and never again. I feel nothing really. Dull even. Maybe my life is ment to be nothing. Need to do nothing. 

Well I had a weird dream yeasterday. I had the tips of my fingers cutting off. I got them together and I kept needing to having them palm up so it doesn’t fall off again. I felt overwhelmed at the dream and took places during night. It a weird dream to dream but it still a dream. I wanted to talk about it someone never had a chances. Also happy Mother’s Day I know it a day late but it better late than sorry. I love you mom! 

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It my last week of week of school. I been okay I just sometimes need to an adult. I had time to become one. When I was younger I has very mature I gotten that a lot. I let people mostly adult cry on my shoulder. Let my friends cry on my shoulder my parents anyone. I took care of people and always been the oldest to everyone. Now I feel like a kid committing a sin of growing up. I miss a lot of childhood. Amy emotion was so little that I almost never cried but now I cry a lot. I feel too much emotion. I remember when I was younger people said to me that I show so little emotion but now I do a lot. 

I feel pluzzed of what I want. Should I be a nurse? Will I ever get married? Will anyone ill see me as a lover? Am I making a mistake in life? I hate disappointment and failure and stupidity I fear it. I just live day to day not caring life. If I die now I think I would care. Maybe I’ll feel joyful so I don’t worry of the person I may or may not become. I feel happy to die. I know it not good but it really what I feel these days. Maybe death is near. No im not going to kill myself. I have not feeling of doing it. I did it once’s and never again. I feel nothing really. Dull even. Maybe my life is ment to be nothing. Need to do nothing. 

Well I had a weird dream yeasterday. I had the tips of my fingers cutting off. I got them together and I kept needing to having them palm up so it doesn’t fall off again. I felt overwhelmed at the dream and took places during night. It a weird dream to dream but it still a dream. I wanted to talk about it someone never had a chances. Also happy Mother’s Day I know it a day late but it better late than sorry. I love you mom! 

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Happy pride month! 

Well i been busy about life achally I been doing good! But I been stress out a lot/ I been having friends problems. It sucks really. I love them so much that I hate when I disappoint them. It just stress me out. But time pass pay and will fix this. It has to. I love them but it can be tuff.

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Do people actually like me. Do My friends does? I mean today texted in the group chat and I just gotten very meh answer from one of my friends and today ai told left my phone and then don’t wanted to come with me.. at all. I feel like I show them love but I don’t know maybe I’m over thinking it,, I just feel sad about it I want them to know them that I love them but am I not showing them love? Or passion do they think I’m weird? What am I’m doing wrong. I feel confused really. Am I really not a good friend? I try my best to be one. But I feel left out you know? My two my friends are bff and sometime forgot I’m there but it okay since they have their close not in not taking that away from them. They are a perfect pair for eachother,, I don’t want to talk bad at all with my friends I feel bad,, I kinda feel unseen with them these days,, none really text me that much anymore,, I know we’re adult now but I feel so stupid about this. This is childish to get sad over simple thing but I do feel lonely. My friend got eachother and my other friend got her other close bit friends and her “boyfriend” I feel alone essentially these day,, it not there fault at all and I don’t want to bring them down it probably my being a shitty friend being akarward and worry some. I know I have a family but i

 want to have something out side of it. I just can’t feel this way. I wake up with not text with anyone. Gojng to bed with no text with anyone. I have no true bff. I know I have the my own friend group but two of them are really BFF and I mean really BFF and the other is ment to my my really BFF but she has her own BFF I just maybe have someone like that. I don’t want to third wheel. Sorry the rant doesn’t make sense I kinda had a shitty day. I can’t talk to anyone how I feel. I feel lonely I feel lonely everyday I sometime text myself so I can’t have the little social life I always wanted. I hate me. I hate being lonely I want to feel happy about myself. I can’t feel like a shitty friend I don’t want to talk to me. Text me. I feel like I did something bad to hurt other. I can be harsh they can talk to me about it not cut me off. I know I can be boring but come one I can be fun! I know know I can be shy but warm up to be.  I feel so lonely I see people out with friends or having love I feel so far behind. 

I have nothing to offer nothing special about me. I know I too old to feel this. This is so petty. It is petty. This is stuid grow up for the love of fucking God!!!! grow up!!!! Your bot 15 your almost 20 acting your friends hate you well they moving on in life!!! They having fucking life outside of you stuid selfish life!!! You can’t feel bad about this reform crying over you pathetic self. Fuck you I hope you ended up alone. Your ment to be alone. Forever till death. 

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Well it been a long time since I wrote here,, but happy one hundred post! 

It been a while why you may ask? Well not. Since no one read this well it from work i been working a lot it could be from taking care of my grandma and my work place. I gotten a lot of hours since you know little old me doesn’t take breaks . I even had summer classes! Well just one i drop out the other one since i need money but also stress. But I gotten a B-. My GPA overall is a 3.4 whitch it really high for me im proud,, my friend is getting married whitch is nice I really love that she one of my clostest friends I hope I can make it for her wedding. What else my younger cousin graduated whitch is good. I been Okay I still nervous person but i been okay. Just work sleep and go to school. I been working out more even if you can’t tell. Whitch you can’t. Been doing taekwondo. I been just living. Yes of course im still depressed and worrying the future but everyday I need to work and move forward the one person how can do that is me. I also getting back I love the most drawing I always been good with it and been doing that a lot lately I even have a class for it lol. I just been hanging out around the world. Just being me you know. I still hate myself and I think im the ugliest person. But I need to work and get educated. I do have my inner demon that wants me to end it all. Even tho it been a year since my suicide i still have that thought the back of my head. I want to give up. But i need to win God fucking damn it. I need to prove myself. To prove that I can be happy. I can be love. I can overcome. I’m not this girl with a bad childhood im me. Yes i still want to be famous and be a star but i just need to be happy. I get jealous, i am selfish, dumb, but that make me me. 

But yeah school is coming so i reallly hope i do good. I really do. I hope the teacher help me and God give me mercy. My mom bless her heart gave me this graidern angel that protect me. I’m greatful for it it in my room. I been more social well im trying to be, been wearing makeup and waiting for my 20s. I feel fine. I am fine, but well I heard something i hate to hear. My dad is drinking.when I heard that i felt shit. I feel like shit i want to block me ears and just fucking forget that. I hate it. It a rumor but a shitty one. I hate acholol the smell the taste the drunk people and the broken promises. I also learn that my dad was in a coma back when I was a kid not great to hear. I don’t know why im writing this. I don’t want to jinx it. But that what life is. Welll that all what I been just working and school, school and work. I want to live maybe in New York living this fashionable people that sell painting on the side with a smile so bright that it form so many wrinkles form all the years I love. With my friends and family. Loving life with my saggy tittes and all! Haha what a life, what a great life.I hope God bless me a life. A life full of love, creativity, joy, and of course wealth and if im loved fame. With wrinkles,gray hair, friends, grandkids and all! I know it selfish to say it too much to ask but I can dream big! Very big bigger this is unverise. With a goofy smile. With my paint brush on my left hand and a drink in the other. Looking out of the city with different nose from all different coner. Smelling the shit since it ain’t going to smell great. With visiting different countries. That my prefect world!

well that all have a good rest of your day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

xoxoxo

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I feel bad for my friend. I suggested she should do summer classes and now she she going through something so stressful I feel bad since zI was the the suggested you know. I feel some short of guilt for doing it. It went well for me whitch I so greatful and thankful. My stress with financial aid is over and I’m greatful for the privilege of going to school. But I feel so bad for her she going through a such a stressful time with the financial aid and having personal problems that I will keep limited. But i feel this guilt like I cause this for her. Having her stress over that I was the one that suggested for her. I feel this guilt. I really hope tmr everything goes well for her. May God help her over this problem. She having a stressful time.I really hope everything goes well. 

I think about it. Getting an education is a huge privilege and having a supported family for it is a privilege. I know it not hard to figure it out. Even a child can figure it out. But seeing it first hand made me realize how life can be cruel for some people. I just feel guilty for causing this this for her. May everything goes well. If I hand all the money in the world I could help her. But I don’t plus I need to be selfish and make the money for my own studies I know it mean to say but it the truth I also need an education. I want to help but I just can’t that the worst part. I really want this proprom goes way for her. Like if I give her a big hug and all the money, stress will just go away. 

I’m grateful for what God has given me and the many opportunities I had. It may me reflect that. I feel every little greatful bone with that. It just so sad to see a close one with problems. I feel guilt and sadness with it. I want to help but I can’t that the worst part. I don’t have money just laying around. 

I don’t know how to end this. I know it not my personal issue it my friend that why I can’t really go to full detail for her sack. I wanted to right this to hope that things go well for her. For everything she go through it something she can overcome. If she reading this well most likely not. I really hope you have a fantastic life this thing your going through isn’t going to last forever there is so many opportunities coming your away. Not to her but to everyone. Including me. I hope may everything goes well.

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im at the Libary. 

It very brightly well not usually for Libary but still it very bright almost like my away will burn. But i kinda do like it. My Ouse is usually very dark so change of environment is good for everyone. I’m chilling will I could do homework but i don’t want to T-T. I will do it I have to lol but still my brain does not it want to do nothing and mob all day. But Ifeeling better really. I am I know I say this like dozon of time but im a good mode atm. I feel greatful almost someone want me to be happy. It what I want to do. A part of my want to be an artist. But I want to give up and be a nurse or lager and deliver docter. I know that a huge commitment. And I’m sure I want that. I’m not sure what I want. I want someone to be proud of me. Something I struggle even with myself. If I fail I feel like a this worthless please of meat and it can drag out for years. I feel like I’m not anything I nothing to be proud. I feel stuck. I feel afraid you know. I’m not brave im a huge push over like I said; It so easy for me to kiss your feet so you don’t think unworthy of me. SO you don’t hate me. I need any little likeness from someone to feel human. 

It hard but I’m trying will not really but changing how I view myself. How any little mistake is okay. A part of me want to go to an art school to restart but I too deep in to nursing I can’t in a sense. I need to care for other before I take care of myself. Nursing are important. But a part of me just having to struggle and inner monologue of how am I. I know this rambling writing and making no sense that how my brain is atm. I don’t feel depressed it just worry taking over. Of who am I. 

I will find peace. I will find out how am I. It takes time. I will be fine really I will be. I can over come this. I can I’m going to have a good day. A good life. Just forget what I was saying. It not a lie when I was saying I’m lost of my own identity. It the truth, but everything is going to be okay im okay. Really I am. I’m going to be proud of who am I. Someone that I can be proud of. It going to be okay for me. And you. There ups and downs. That im learning. It okay to feel nervous. But I need to relax. I think I also need a vacation to. I will be happy. It okay to feel human. Also It been a year of writing this have I approve mentally from where I was last year. I think so. It a a little mountain. But still I feel great really. I’m happy. Really I am. I know this log is all over the mess but it the truth how I truly am a person. I think so poor about myself my insecurities wrapped me up like burrito. But I know I’m very kind person not to have an ego. I cherish people since I want them to feel good about themselves I’m not a great listener but I will give you great respect. I’m an artist. I draw paint. I’m great of creating ideas. Expressing really. I have no shame what I like. Well sometime I really like BL but here or there. I’m not going to be all depressed all day. I have 2 jobs and school to work on. But I’m not going to be all jolly since I’m so unsure what what I want to become. I’m lazy but also responsible. I’m sweet but also very blunt. I’m funny but also childish. I’m human. That what I discover over this past year. It that that life. There are million of people who are better than me in all part of it. But it okay really because why would a care. I know I sound so back and forth since it a battle of my own trauma and insecurity of myself. It a battle with the brain and the soul. I’m going to be find. Like I said once I feel happy and overcome this I will delete it. Well not I’m think it maybe private it. But still it will be a huge step for me personally. I kinda gave you idea of who am I. I try nit use my real name or truly where im from. And I reach not wanting anyone to know that. But be honest of how I am as a person. A human being. I can’t be someone else since I’m me. I know by next me I will be ranting of how I feel depressed. But I also want to write that I’m greatful of life. Of family and friends and old friends and even the people that treated me shit. It okay. That builds character. It been a blast writing this is a little hoppy I build but I know no one really see it. I see kudos and all but it okay. It been a great time doing it. Nit sure how long it will last. But till I’m happy about how am I. Also still want to write a memoir but I need to do grammar checking and rereading whitch I didn’t do for any of me writing. It due to see how I truly think and laziness lolol. But I’m not a best writer but I really like doing it I even had a personal dairy growing up well that all. Thank you if anybody truly reading this thank you!!

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I feel like im fucking myself over of what I want. I feel like I’m ment to go in nerving or any bio in general. I wanted to go to art school. It something I’m more passionate about but what money will it bring for my family and me. I wanted to have money I know it selfish to think it that want I want. To help provide. That’s why I went in in more science realm because that’s what gives money. Am I making a mistake? Yes, I am. I’m fucking myself over. But it’s too late now I’m in my second year of college. I’m 20 in November. My life is over I made a decision of becoming someone in bio mostly nursing and that’s what I chose. I can’t be an artist anymore. I fucked myself over plus I won’t make money. Nobody wants to paintings. And there is a small chance I might make it, but that chance I won’t risk. I gotta be realistic with myself so many people millions of people want to be artist what makes me better than them. What makes me more special than a person who is more talented more passionate of this than I will be. They show more passionate because they rather starve than be other than an artist. I won’t I want to be successful? It’s in my brain 24/7. I had this hunger I have success. I want to make someone proud of me. But it might making a huge mistake? I don’t know I’m really stressed out right now. I’m fucking myself over but I can’t go back. I can’t. I gotta commit what I made. I feel like I’m in this marriage of becoming a nurse. I told everyone I’ll become one. I can’t go back. It’s like divorcing. I’m committed to it I made a promise to it. But I rather be successful than be happy I know that’s my goal, but I’m gonna find happiness to this. 

I don’t know, man I’m just in this pickle. It’s too late for me to change my major. It’s way too late. I’m committed to it. Because if I change majors, I feel like I’m a total fucking failure that all this work I do it’s gotta be useless. The GPA, the grades that everything I committed to, I even took fucking summer classes for this. a part of me, something deep down by saying that I just rather be a drug addict just be gone or some shit I don’t know. I know it’s bad to say this, but it’s the truth if I gotta be honest with myself. I don’t know, man. I’m just stressed about it. I have friend that told me she can’t see me in the medical field. At all. She can’t see me and now she’s saying that I’ll make a mistake if I keep going. But I told her straight on I can’t go back. I can’t. I made this commitment. Have to stick with it. Because no matter how much I have passionate for something I need money. I don’t know what to do, but everything has a solution right or at least I fucking hope it does. I don’t know I just thought of this because I was finishing my homework. The back of my brain is just saying these things of thinking of switching it or maybe go to art school it’s too late. I’m old.

I don’t know I’m gonna see what to see at 25 is doing. I hope to God they’re doing fine. I hope not dead or burn out. I don’t know what I want. I need to  figuring up right now. I like writing but my grammar make no sense positive. The teacher told me that I suck writing. I wanna be an artist, but there is millions of people out there to be artists what makes me special than them. It’s nothing. I like the daydream I am, but that’s not my reality. Well sorry about this. Maybe next time next life truly be happy.

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My grandma died a few days ago. On Monday night. No not the one I take care of the other one. I feel sad of course I do. But I feel I can’t grief you know I didn’t visit often. I really didn’t. I feel I don’t know. She called me how I should visit often when she come to America and seen how much as I grown as a person. I feel some what nothing because I went to work and school the following day. Death is death, you can’t control it. It something that it going to get anyone the most evil to the most good. It like we live so different life but end up with the same outcome death. 

I’m guilty not visiting her and my dad is destroying by her death. I need to be the strong one because he was closer with her. I mean of course that his mom. But she was my grandma. She was proud of who will I become as a person. How much I grown and how proud of person I am. My dad brag about it to her. That how the world works. We didn’t go to her funeral we can’t mostly due to the immigration going on. Her only wish is for my dad to be happy and him to stop with drinking issue. Let’s hope we can make that promise. 

It not the only stress thing that going on. My friends are agruing and not one speaking terms… It is a very long story, I really don’t get it but they don’t want to be near each other. They were so close but one little mistake can distorty a relationship you build for years. It a shame really it just destroy every little thing both of them had. Now family is involved and just this is a whole mess really. It can change over night as well. It about the marriage. And it just a full mess really a huge one. 

That what been going on. I need to keep pushing. I don’t know what to do. I feel like im making my life a mess. My friends hat each other, I need to make sure my dad is okay and his not going to do anything bad, my grandma had pass away, a close relative had been taken from ICE. My family needing to protect themself by ICE, My grandmother that I’m. Taking care of is my last grandparent.  Everything is going to a shit hole, plus I feel like a fail in life because I don’t know what to do now!! I feel so hopeless. I feel im stuck and everything is just a big hole that I can’t get out off. Like everytime I dig it keep sticking me deeper and deeper. But I need to overcome this. I can overcome this. This is not going to last forever,

really I do hope. I need to well. I need to best. So everything can be good. 

I can’t take breaks. I can’t then I’m wasting all the life I have. I need to over come this. I need to

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It been a minute I was busy with work and school and pure lazyness 

It been a while nothing too much as change. Well my friends hated each other well hated is strong it more drama than any word. But after about 3 days they like each other and being tight and joy full. I find it strange really. I guess that what friends are but I’m not sure. Maybe I’m sensitive for it and too good with feeling. My grandma died from my dad side. It was pretty hard from it. I work less shift this week that good and meh. Less money but more free time. How many free time you want you hardly do anything. My aunt came today. And my other aunt went to her home country for vacation.

I drove and and instead of hitting the curve I went on top of it and we saw the sky. Don’t worry everybody is fine and the car too. My grandma that is alive is doing fine. My parents are doing okay. My friends not sure I haven’t seen them in a good week. And hardly talking to them. Nothing much going on in October. I been drawing a lot tho. It one of my only things I like. I also want to learn ice skating so I think im going to book a class. I haven’t been studying as I should. I been stuggling what I want and not doing anything about it. At all. Nothing. Zero in English and Spanish. UGHHH I hate that. I hate it. I hate it. I’m hunger atm but U can’t eat since I got work after and last time I was late both shift I can’t do that and they will see me as a failure and fire me and I will get not job no life. Ugh I hate my brain. I get too work up. I do I get so scrambled like tangle headphone that I feel nothing but ashamed at myself. I hate of the person I become. I feel like I failed all the time that I am below average of everything I have done. I got nothing going on. 

Even if all these negative thoughts I do have. Like a bat hit me over and over again some hope I keep in a jar far away still glow. That everyday is fine. It all in your head, and it the truth. It these feelings have wraps me up like a Christmas gift. But it going to be okay because in the end of the day im alive. And everyday that I’m alive it it a battle I fight over and over again it makes me the person I am. I can be emotional, annoying, lazy, insecurity. It a battle that I win over and over again. Because I’m alive. I can have this monster follow me till the day I rot. But I’m breathing I’m here. In the flesh. Trying.  

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I failed my bio test. I got a 28. It was a mid term test. I feel like a failure and loose this spark. 
not sure how to feel really. This is an important grade for me. It was a midterm the only person to blame this is myself. I’m not paying attention and leave it one the sideline. I feel disappointed in myself. I push myself far in this. I know I’m lazy but I keep doing classes and classes and then boom.

i failed 

I failed my midterm

i failed the grade that really important

i became someone im scared to be. A fucking idiot what was I thinking going to this thinking I’m fucking smart and get away of this. I didn’t fucking study cause and effect bozo you fucking failed your midterm now you get a fucking F

you failed and you will become fucking worthless. A dumbass that never study that cheat all the time. A an idiot that can’t fucking spell for shit. You can just sit and think you can fucking pass. But no. You don’t. 
you suck loser. Go die and go to that small group. Be at the speech therapy be at the small groups, you suck 

you suck, really what wrong with you. You going to be a fat loser. Ughhhhh I hate myself I should have studied and I’m here complaining. I fucking worthless. I can’t do anything right for the life of me.

i suck 

I really do suck 

I can’t school

i cant do anything

i feel burnout

but why do I feel it if I do nothing

i dont have a purpose

I dont try to change my action and complain i fuck ughh hate myself 

I so behind in classes

please I need to try harder