Chapter Text
Third POV -
Brian's feelings didn't matter.
Not in this case, anyways. It wasn't about him. It never was, so he shouldn't be having a problem with it.
He loved his friends dearly. He wouldn't be where he is today if it wasn't for them. They were all so kind and caring and passionate. His life was easy with them, because without them, he had nothing else.
Sure, he had his platform, his fans, his whole life, really. But none of that meant anything without his friends. They were like family, and he's known them for longer than nine years now and their bonds only got stronger with each passing day.
And then there was David.
To Brian, David was like a best friend. A best friend who you could tell anything to, a best friend who was always there for you, always had the best intentions for you, always knew just what to say or do whenever you were having a hard time.
A best friend who he trusted with everything. A best friend who remembers your birthday and always made sure to get you something. A best friend who he wanted to be around, to talk, to hold, to kiss...
A best friend. Only a best friend.
But his problem doesn't lie with the fact that he was madly in love with said best friend. No, far from it. If Brian had to be David's friend and only his friend for all eternity, he would. Yeah, he loved him, a whole fucking lot, but if David didn't love him back then he would be fine with it. He wouldn't have a problem.
That's just how life is.
His fucking problem, was something entirely different. It wasn't David, no, it could never be.
It was the rest of his fu-...
His great friends that he loved and cared for, that were making him...annoyed.
But that was just putting it lightly.
Brian tapped his desk with his fingers, listening to the steady thump of each digit as they fell to calm himself down. He needed something to relax him, to give him some sort of peace right now. Just for right now.
His neck burned, but it wasn't hot in his office. In fact, he always kept an AC on and left it on high blast until it was time to record, then he would turn it off so that the room was chilly and no humming sound would reach his microphone.
His AC was currently on right now. It was freezing. But his neck burned. His throat burned, his chest burned. And his hands were itchy. Incredibly itchy.
His eyes were fixed on the screen of his phone, watching the words pop up with each new text from each different person.
One after another, after another, after another.
Today's new topic?
David. Again.
Brian was starting to wonder why he even bothered watching the conversation flow. It wasn't like there was ever a difference. Every and any topic always somehow landed back onto David.
Really, it was set up that way. David always fell right into it with his curious questions that always managed to label him as "stupid". Brian would be lying if he said half of what comes out of that man's mouth was smart, but he didn't relentlessly pummel him for it.
Not to say he wasn't part of that group. Brian admitted that he had his fair share of moments when he would tease David, poke fun at him for the things he says, the things he does, the things he chooses to do.
And he'd be lying even more if he said he didn't enjoy the way David would pout at him or the way his eye would narrow in a playful glare that sometimes grew sharper with offense and the way he would insult him back for something that was irrelevant to the conversation.
The way he would roll his eyes in disbelief when Brian would just keep going and going, the way he would click his tongue or sigh heavily in frustration, the way he would run his hand through his hair when Brian wouldn't shut up, the way his tongue would run over his teeth- Brian could go on forever.
He enjoyed making David mad just as much as the next guy, because it was easy. It was funny, it was cute. It gave him David's attention, and that was something he always craved.
But to the point of dropping the word retard twenty times in a video was a bit over excessive.
Do you know how many times Brian had to cut those out? How many of them he had to censor at least? How many times he's had to butcher a video to the point of no sense because the insults just kept flying, one after another?
And the age restriction or monetization wasn't even the worst of his worries, because sometimes, when David would get the worst of it, Brian could tell the banter was no longer playful.
David would get silent, or he would get bitchy. Sometimes, he'd even just stop giving a shit and let them continue to talk, but Brian could tell whenever he stopped having fun. When the jokes would just hit a nerve and David wouldn't even want to be there.
Of course, Brian never did anything to stop it. He'd try to change the subject, ignore the elephant in the room, but he never did much other than that. Not because he didn't care, but because if he confronted it, he'd surely not come off as nice in any way.
Instead, he always made sure to text David afterwards, asking him if he was okay, if he wanted to do something else. If he needed a break. Because Brian knows damn well that he always needed a break after a stressful recording session.
Maybe a drink, maybe a casual chat.
But David was always fine. Always okay with it. He'd always say the same thing "oh yeah, I'm fine. It's just content" and then he'd brush it off like he hadn't just sat through a two hour recording session without saying a word.
Brian would ask and ask and ask. Always the same shit. He was fine, he didn't care, it was just jokes. The same shit, over and over, and over.
And realistically, Brian knew that David didn't hold any grudges and that at the end of the day, he didn't stay mad after being bullied for a video.
But Brian did. He stayed mad, for a very, very long time.
Brian cared for David like he cared for family, probably way more than that. Brian fucking loved that man, and yeah, once upon a time when his feelings were simply that of platonic, it didn't bother him as much.
Everyone got picked on. Delirious did, Pasta did, Tyler did. Everyone had their days. But sometimes, more often than not, David was the entertainment, and Brian couldn't stand it.
But none of that matters.
Because Brian's feelings don't matter. Not in this case.
He knew he had no right to be mad, but he didn't give a shit. He was mad on David's behalf, and the continuous teasing from this God damned group chat was not making his anger any fucking better.
Brian set his phone down on his desk for a second, but his eyes never left the screen. His right hand continued to drum over the desk, and he used the other to reach for his cup of water.
The water had been rippling from the force of his fingers over the hard surface, and some of it had spilled over the edge. The glass was wet and cold on his fingers, but he ignored it as his eyes scanned over the words.
Stupid this, stupid that. A few insults thrown here and there.
He took a long harsh gulp, his throat feeling tighter and drier than before. He chugged the whole glass.
David responded.
Nogla -
Ye're all gay
Brian couldn't help the snort that came out of his throat, but it was more bitter than anything.
If he was David, he would be way more irritated. And sure, David could take a few punches before blowing up, but his crash outs were never genuine.
Brian would crash out for him if he could. If he was allowed.
Brian's never actually told David about his...feelings. Whether it be his romantic feelings or his annoyed feelings. He wasn't planning on telling him about either of them either.
Brian kept his personal feelings to himself, because the closest person he could potentially share them with was the person he was trying not to involve in them.
Nogla -
Brian start the server
Brian blinked at the text, the only one that's been directed at him in the past ten minutes at least.
It was a cue. A subtle hint to get his head out of the gutter. David never knew why Brian always went silent in the group chat during times like this. Brian never told David why, simply lying instead and saying that he was usually distracted or half asleep during those moments. And David believed him, always reminding him that they were right about to record.
Brian appreciated it. His little reminders were the one thing that was dragging him out of his thoughts whenever he got angry with the damn world.
Brian slowly released his glass, dropping it back down onto the desk with a soft thud. He took a deep breath, steeling himself for another long recording session of — guess what? More bitching, more insulting, more...just more.
If the conversation in the group chat was already established, then today's topic was surely established.
Brian rubbed his eyelids, taking another deep breath before moving his attention to his monitor. He ran his fingers over the keyboard, moving his mouse to click into their selected game.
Peak was today's choice. Something he didn't mind, even though he had played it yesterday.
He pulled up the game, entering into the lobby and sending out his invites. He waited patiently, taking another sip from his glass to prepare himself. Moving his attention to discord, he started a call, adding all six of his friends.
Immediately, their names popped up one after another, and Brian almost wished he didn't have to record today. He wasn't in the mood, really.
Today's group was Evan, Tyler, Marcel, David and Pasta. Peak typically only had a max of four players, but they had a mod pack installed. Thankfully, it was free and came with the game, so David didn't have to be the one to spend a shit load of money trying to pay a game coder to make one for him.
Which was another thing that pissed Brian off. Not exactly because of the guys, but because David always spent so much money on them and didn't expect anything in return. Yeah, he understands that they're all well off but Brian didn't like the idea of David spending money on stuff that probably won't work or the guys wouldn't be satisfied with.
There's been times when Brian had tried to pay for at least half of the the mods David commissioned but the stubborn fuck always declined.
At that point, Brian just felt like he was begging to help pay. Which was pathetic.
"Are we ready now?" Brian asked, doing his best to keep the irritation out of his voice. He can hide his resting bitch face from his camera with editing and cut outs but he can't edit his voice to sound more cheerful. Unfortunately.
"Yeah, yeah, we're all good. Double check your guy's mics, we don't want another Nogla incident." Tyler commented, earning laughs from the rest of them.
David scoffed loudly, but the sound of his microphone being fumbled with reached their headsets.
"Wha- dude, I had my cover off for less than twenty minutes, ye have editors, you'll live." He said, and Brian could practically hear the eye roll.
"Whatever, just start the game. We've been waitin' fer two hours." David said, and Brian didn't need to be told twice to press the start button.
He'd played this game with David just yesterday, just the two of them. It was Monday, and like every Monday, nobody wanted to play with David.
Brian honestly thought it was a stupid rule. David worked a lot, yeah. And he had a lot of views and fans that he wanted to keep entertained, yeah. But that didn't mean they all needed to collectively agree on a day to ignore him just because they "needed a break from him".
So on Mondays, whenever David was free, Brian was already there. Always there to make sure David had someone to play with, or at least talk to. He thinks the whole ignoring thing was stupid, and he wasn't going to put up with that kind of shit.
And to be frank, Brian actually didn't mind that stupid rule because that meant he could spend more time with his...friend. Best friend.
On Mondays, they'd always call, or play games, or sometimes just do more react content. Whatever it was, Brian was always there, and he refused to play with anyone else unless David was there. Evan would play with them every now and then but that wasn't a definite.
Plus, Brian liked his alone time with David. For obvious reasons.
Anyways, he played this game just yesterday with David, and although they had their fair share of teasing and banter, there was no negativity between them. No insults, no slurs, no bullying. Just casual gaming and chatting.
But today had started off on the wrong foot, and Brian already knew that he'd be on the edge of crashing out by the end of the day.
•×•
"Brian, do ye have any food? I'm actually gonna die from starvation."
Brian was annoyed. Not because this was the eighth time that David had asked him for food in the last five minutes but because David had to ask him specifically for food.
Brian could count on both hands how many times the guys had purposely left him hanging on the side of a mountain with no stamina without helping him. Or the amount of times they've stolen his share of the food just to piss him off.
It was working too, because not only was David starting to get whiney and monotone, but he was talking less because there was no point in asking them for help for anything. The only thing they were helping him with was footage. Because at this point, he was getting the best footage with how many times he's been pushed off a fucking mountain.
Brian was glad he had come across a few med kits, because David would be a ghost for most of the game if not for him.
Tyler was hoarding all the food, Marcel kept stealing all of the supplies and Evan was just holding the candy and energy drinks because he knew that David wanted them. Not to mention, he still has David's two last marshmallows that he'd refused to give back. He wasn't even eating them, he was just keeping them all to himself.
Pasta was probably the only one giving David anything, and that was just because she wasn't an asshole. But she wasn't the best at the game so she barely had anything to give because she couldn't even reach the trees let alone spot them before someone else was looting them.
So Brian was annoyed. He was annoyed because David was annoyed.
"Brian?"
"Yeah, sorry, gimme a sec." He mumbled, ripping himself out of his thoughts as he scrolled through his backpack. He pulled out a honeycomb, stopping in his tracks to turn around and hand it to David's dorky green character.
"Here." He said, holding down on his mouse to feed it to him.
"Wha- when the hell did ye get a honeycomb?" David asked in confusion, his words attracting the attention of the others.
"When the fuck did you get a honeycomb?!" Marcel practically shouted, and Brian decided to ignore the way his character had peeked his head over the edge of the mountain.
"Fuck you, it doesn't matter when I got a God damn honeycomb." He replied, keeping his tone light enough to sound joking but it wasn't lighthearted in any way.
"Yes it fucking does, we're on the third mountain and were all half dead!" Marcel called back, already making his way down a small ledge towards him.
"You're all just fine." He groaned, turning back to David's character and feeding him another one.
"Dude- what the fuck, why'd you give him another one?" Evan laughed, taking Marcel's earlier place of peeking at them from over the edge. Only he didn't care to move down to them.
"Because I'm special." David deadpanned, like it was a fact. And Brian couldn't agree more.
"Honeycombs come from bee hives. When the hell did you find a bee hive, Brian?" Marcel pressed again and Brian almost wanted to comment on how infuriating he was being right now. Annoying.
"There's bee hives in this game?" Tyler asked in confusion, unmoving as he ate another granola bar. Brian bet he's been eating all the food too, which would explain why he hasn't run out of stamina yet. Greedy.
"Oh, oh, are there bees then? I didn't get to see the bees yet, are they cute?" Pasta cut in, completely unaware and uncaring of the tension that was happening between the two men.
"I found one on the last mountain. The Tropical lookin' one." He explained, turning away from Marcel and beginning to climb. They've been here for an hour already and have climbed two and a half mountains. He wasn't sure if he could sit through another hour of this shit, especially if it kept going with the way it was going.
Brian was almost positive that they weren't going to complete it. He'd done it with David yesterday, and they had finished it all just fine in under two hours. Not that Brian really cared about finishing the game whatsoever because it was more about the entertainment.
But it was hard to be entertaining when he was stuck being the only one watching over David because the fuckers wouldn't give him anything.
"What the- Brian, you get four honeycombs out of one bee hive. How many did you find?" Marcel demanded, and Brian had to clench his teeth to stop himself from snapping at the other man.
Sure, it was just a game. Just a video. Just a few honeycombs. But the bitching was real, and if Brian had to deal with hearing anymore of it when his own decisions were justified — unlike theirs — then he might just end up throwing a hissy fit.
"One." Brian supplied, making his way over to David, who had found a stray chest and was rushing off to it before anyone could. Which, Evan was already on his way to try and steal.
"So you have two more then, right?" Marcel pressed, and Brian couldn't resist the urge to roll his eyes, not even caring if his camera saw him. Fuck it. Keep it in the video.
"Yeah, I do." He replied flatly. He watched in silence as Evan took the loot from the chest before David could, who had only managed to get a rope out of said treasure while Evan had the box of girls scout cookies.
"You bitch, Tyler already gave you three berries! Gimme those, you fuck!" David shouted at Evan, who giggled to himself as he ate a few of them right in front of David.
"Well Brian gave you two honeycombs." Evan shot back.
"Which was a waste." Tyler piped up as he watched Pasta struggle to climb up the ice.
"Exactly, now gimme one." Marcel demanded firmly, like a child demanding for a cookie.
Brian dropped his mouse, moving his head away from the mic and sighing heavily as he ran his hands down his face roughly.
Just an hour more. He just needs to last an hour more.
"It wasn't a waste." David mumbled under his breath, finally giving up on Evan and moving away to try and continue up the icy mountain. Brian sighed again, calming himself down before his hands moved back to his mouse and keyboard to follow after the other man.
"No, ye don't get any." He said as a matter of fact, taking great joy in the loud scoff Marcel let out and the laugh from Evan and Pasta.
"Ope, drama. Boyfriend's getting protective." Pasta snickered, and that alone made Brian a little less angry.
The thing was, whenever Pasta or Evan teased David, it was playful. They knew their limits, they knew when to reel back. But Tyler, Marcel, or Scotty even at times, needed a lesson of social cues taught because sometimes, Brian feels like they're just beside assholes to be assholes.
"Yeah, leave my boyfriend alone." Brian snorted, and the small chuckle it pulled from David was all he needed to get rid of the massive migraine that's been raging in his head for the past hour and a half.
"Fuck you and your make believe boyfriend! Give me a God damn honeycomb!" Marcel shouted, the sound of his fists banging against his desk. David laughed again, and the smile that tugged at Brian's lips was the first genuine one he's had since they started recording.
"These are my honeycombs bitch. Nogla, how low is your stamina?" Brian asked, redirecting his attention to the other man, ignoring Marcel yet again to climb after him.
"Uh, a little more than halfway because of your honeycombs." David replied, his character reaching out to help Brian up the slippery ice, and the latter wasn't sure if it was the game or David himself, but his character was adorable with the way it's big puppy eyes stared down at him.
"Great, here, have another." He said happily, taking another honeycomb out when he was on solid ground and feeding it to David just to hear the shout of disbelief from Marcel.
"Brian! Do you know how much those honeycombs boost your stamina?! A whole fucking lot! He doesn't need any of those!" He practically cried out. Brian chuckled under his breath when David turned to bitch at Marcel some more, eating the last one for himself even though he didn't necessarily need it. He just didn't want someone stealing it from his backpack.
The shouting and arguing went on as they continued to make their way up the Alpine mountain, and Brian didn't want to admit it but their constant talking was starting to get on his nerves.
They were his friends, he shouldn't be an ass, so instead of quitting the game early or muting them over discord, he just decided to split off from the group.
It wouldn't stop them from talking, but it would keep their attention away from himself. Unfortunately — well more so fortunately, Brian didn't mind at all — David had followed him to the other side of the mountain, not saying much as they continued to climb.
They were just content in listening to Pasta rant about a few of her pet peeves. It was entertaining enough, so Brian didn't need to add in his two cents unless it was something he didn't understand.
He continued to help and feed David along the way, who helped him in return with supplies because that's all he had since Tyler and Evan took all the food from him.
David was quiet, nearly silent. But Brian could read him like a book, even if he couldn't physically see him, and he could tell it was just because he was relaxed rather than annoyed like earlier.
Sometimes David was mouthy, sometimes he wasn't. Yesterday, he was chatty to hell and back with Brian, but today seemed more like a mellow day, and Brian didn't mind it. He usually loves hearing David talk but the silence was always nice as long as he was in his presence.
Even if it was through a game.
"We're almost to the top. I can see heaven." Brian deadpanned, looking up through the misty clouds at the top. David snorted at his words, moving his character in front of him.
"When the hell did you guys get to the top?! We're still far as fuck!" Tyler exclaimed in disbelief, but Brian ignored him when David's character began to do a little emote.
"What are you doin'?" Brian said, chuckling softly as David's character swayed back and forth.
"I'm dancin'." Was his response, and Brian could hear Pasta and Evan laugh at him but Brian still paid them no mind. He felt a small grin spread to his face, right clicking on his mouse and holding down.
The arm of his character stuck out, and without needing to say anything, David stopped dancing and reached out as well. As stupid and childish as it was, Brian felt those stupid butterflies in his chest as if he and David were actually holding hands in real life.
This was so pathetic.
"The boyfriends are ignoring us again." Evan mumbled, earning a laugh from Pasta.
"He fucking wishes." Marcel scoffed.
Brian froze, the smile instantly dropping from his face as he registered the words.
Not because of the small jab, but because of the genuineness behind it. Marcel knew he liked David. Evan knew he liked David. A lot of fucking people knew he liked David. It was something none of them have ever talked about because he was closed off from that conversation.
He liked David, he had feelings for him, but he had no intentions of ever telling him, of ever sharing them.
But a lot of people knew. A lot of people knew, and nobody's ever used it against him. It was like a low blow. A small reminder that he'll never be able to be with the person he loves because of obvious reasons and it was like a knife in his heart. And everyone knows that, so nobody's brought it up.
Until now.
It was silent for a long moment, other than David mumbling to himself about the fog rising. Completely unaware of the tension going on between the other players.
Brian felt like he wanted to punch his monitor, and he would if it wasn't so damn expensive. But right now, money was the last thing on his mind because his friends, one friend in particular, was aiming for something personal that he couldn't control.
"How about you just shut the fuck up already and quit whining like a little bitch." He finally said, the words coming out more harsh than he intended but he had no intention of taking them back.
Because quite frankly, Marcel was being a little bit of a bitch and Brian was just done with it. He woke up late because he'd spent all night chatting with David after their recording — which was more his fault than anything but the point still stands — so he had woken up late, hungover because he admittedly had a few drinks. Liquid courage and whatnot because he couldn't talk to his person of interest with the camera off without clamming up. And so he woke up in a bad mood because the group chat had been going on and on about said person.
Then, he had to sit through an hour of his friends bullying David, watching him increasingly get annoyed and less interested about the game; which he had been excited to play because they installed the multiplayer mod that let them play with more than four players.
And now, he had this annoying, buzzing voice in his ear, demanding honeycombs and reminding him that his deeply rooted feelings would never be reciprocated.
What a great day he was having.
"Well you can blame me, dude, you're acting all obsess—"
"Me? You guys have been acting like assholes all fuckin' day! I can excuse Pasta because she's just being Pasta, but you guys are being pricks!" Brian snapped, and not just because he needed to cut Marcel off before he said something he didn't want to share, but because he was just fucking done with everything.
The insults, the name calling, the bitching, the blaming. He was done with all of it. There was a fine line between friendly banter and outright making your friends feel like shit. And calling someone a retard multiple times in one day was skimming the other side of that line, especially when it wasn't for comic relief or lighthearted joking.
"Woah, okay." Evan mumbled, chuckling awkwardly. It was clear that there was no playful intent in Brian's voice. It was painfully obvious. Even David had gone quiet.
"No. No- I'm done with you guys today. I don't understand how everything has ta turn into this. It's always one thing or another, but it always lands on him and he didn't even do shit!" Brian said, dropping his mouse and gripping the stand of his microphone.
"Um, Brian-"
"David, no. Just stop talking fer a second, alright? I need ta say what I need ta say because I'm not just gonna sit back and watch the same thing happen over and over again every day and act like it isn't happenin'." He continued, cutting David off mid-sentence.
"Brian, it's just a game." Tyler muttered, his voice softer than Brian had ever heard it, and that's saying a lot because Tyler was usually the one to throw a bitch fit over games. So the words were completely hypocritical coming from him.
"Oh shut the fuck up, Tyler. Yer the one who's always taking it the most seriously. And it's not even about t'e game anymore, it's what you guys do, what you say. I can go on all day about the game, but the way you treat him- it's fucking disgustin'. It's to the point where I can't even tell if ye're actually joking anymore or if ye just actually hate him." Brian scoffed in disbelief, dropping his fist down onto his table and causing his set-up to rattle.
"Brian—" Pasta tried to cut in hesitantly but Brian didn't even get her a chance to get another word in.
"I'm just so sick an' tired of it! It's like this every week. I'm almost glad that ye guys don't even like ta talk to him on Mondays, because I don't even understand how he manages ta put up with all your guy's bullshit every other day of t'e week. If anything, I'd be fucking pissed off. Do y- do you guys know how many videos I've had ta censor in the last month?" He snapped.
It was silent, so silent that he could hear their breathing. He wishes they had their face cams on too, that way he'd be able to see the embarrassment and guilt on their faces. He highly doubts anyone's ever spoken to them like this, and he liked to think that he was giving them a nice reality check.
"Twelve. Twelve fucking videos." He continued, clenching his fists over his table because he honestly thought he might punch something if he didn't get himself under control. But it was so much harder to do that, when he had dumb, dumb, dumb and dumber not saying a word.
"Forget about the fuckin' money, forget about the motivation. David's the one ta be the first ta help- in any case, when ye need somethin'. Yeah, he's fucking stupid sometimes, yeah he does dumb shit, but that doesn't give you guys, or anyone for that matter, the right ta treat him like he's something less than us. So you can sit here, laugh it all up and act like he's some fucking idiot, but that doesn't change the fact that he's a genuinely good person and he actually gives a shit about assholes like you." He finally finished.
He was panting by the time he was done, and despite being out of words to voice, he felt like he could keep going. But he decided to save them the trouble of it. He knows they probably wouldn't listen, that they'd probably brush it off like it was nothing.
"Brian...are you drunk?" Evan asked.
Of fucking course.
"No, I'm not fucking drunk! Im fuckin' pissed off is what I am!" He practically shouted, causing a few of them to wince as his voice level.
"Dude, Brian—"
"No, Marcel, I'm done! I'm not fucking drunk, I'm exhausted. I have a jet-lag because I just flew over ta Ireland, twelve of my videos had been demonetized, you guys are giving me a God damned headache, and now I have to deal with you guys treating David like shit, all because you need some low hanging content fer your stupid views and titles!"
"Pasta's live." David said softly, bringing Brian out of his fit of rage.
The Irishman paused, his fists clenched tightly as he registered the words in his head. He stared up at his monitor, his eyes darting to the recording time on his other monitor, reading the counting numbers.
Two hours was definitely enough recording footage.
Without another thought, Brian hung up on discord and exited the game. He sat back in his chair in silence, his hands shaking as he uncurled his fists and set them over the table.
The room was now nearly silent, the only noise being the low hum of his monitors. Brian didn't hear anything other than the faint ringing in his ears, the low thump of his heart beat as it pounded in his chest.
He took a deep, shaky breath, gathering himself mentally. His hand moved back to his mouse, running on autopilot as he ended his recording and saved the file to his folder.
His fingers flew over the keys, pushing aside everything else that was plaguing his mind to instead focus on his work. It was a coping mechanism, he knew it. But he'd rather focus on cutting out the end of his file and sending it out to his editor instead of doing nothing productive and straying over to Pasta's stream to see what everyone was saying about his crash out.
Because he knew damn well the fans wouldn't let this one go.
Brian kept his eyes glued to his work monitor, ignoring the open menu of the game on the other screen. He didn't want to think about the game, his friends or...David. Especially not David.
He knows he fucked up. He was certain that they were either talking about him, or they had all decided to cut their recordings short as well. He really hoped it wasn't the latter, but only because David needs a video this week for a sponsor and he didn't want to be the reason for why David lost money.
The need to apologize was there, but not for them. No, Brian wouldn't apologize for speaking his mind out. He wouldn't apologize for calling them names and pointing out what everyone else was too afraid to do. He wouldn't.
And Brian knew that they were going to simmer in it, think endlessly about what he'd said to them until he was in the right state of mind to not yell at them again. And he knows they'd learn their lesson too. That they would have no choice but to reflect on it.
So no, Brian wouldn't apologize to them because he had no reason to. But...he definitely needed to apologize to David.
He had stood up for him, sure, but that was something he didn't want. If something truly bothered David, then he would speak up himself. Even if it had to do with their friends. Brian had asked about it many times and David had expressed it with the same answer; that he didn't mind the teasing and at the end of the day, it was just jokes and content.
And Brian has promised himself that he would never speak up about the insults himself because he didn't want to make David upset. Sure, he knows David wouldn't mind if someone else stuck up for him every once in a while, but when it came to their friends, jokes were just jokes, no matter how bad they could get.
David didn't care about them.
But that's the thing that frustrated Brian the most. The way David would just let people walk all over him, the way he would just not care if they talked shit about him to his face. Jokes or not, it just...it was fucking frustrating.
Brian sighed heavily, lifting his hands and running them over his face tiredly. He knows he shouldn't be the one that was mentally exhausted from all of this. David had to be as well.
There would be times when they would be hanging out, just the two of them. Whether it be in real life or over a call and David would ask Brian if he thought he was dumb. It never got serious, but the genuine curiosity in David's voice always broke Brian's heart. The way he would look at Brian, and just ask if any of the insults were true like it was the most casual thing ever.
He doesn't know about anyone else, but Brian didn't take lightly to questions like "I'm not actually stupid, right?", because that shit just hurts his soul hearing that, especially from one of his bestest friends.
But now, he couldn't keep the thoughts to himself and now he'd crossed a line that he shouldn't have. It wasn't his place to do what he did, he knows that. But he couldn't just not say anything. He knew someone would try to talk to him soon. One person specifically. He could already hear his phone buzzing with notifications, but he ignored them.
God only knew he wanted to pick it up, because he knows the first person that would be calling him would be David. And he knows that his voice would definitely calm him down, that it would soothe his erratic heartbeat and his running thoughts. But picking up would also force him to confront the situation, and he wasn't just ready for that quite yet.
Instead, he picked up the device and declined the call, turning off his notifications and powering his phone off completely.
He just needed some time to think.
•×•
It was only a good hour before he gave in.
After finishing his work, Brian couldn't stop thinking about the mess he left behind. He turned on his phone and it was bombed with messages and missed calls and even a few tweets from fans speculating what his blowup was about.
He ignored most of them, his thumb working overtime to delete voicemails he didn't bother to listen to and block fans from trying to — and failing miserably — message him personally.
It only made him more angry looking at the assumptions and theories that people were putting out, and he didn't understand why it was such a huge deal to them. Hell, his friends cared way less about his crash out than the fucking fans.
He was almost about ready to throw his phone out the window when his phone started to buzz again, and a caller ID popped up on his screen. He could've declined it too, but the name was one he didn't often ignore. And like always, he gave in.
He was hesitant as he lifted the phone to his ear, chewing his lip nervously as the short silence stretched on.
"Hey." David said, his voice way softer than usual and Brian was just relieved that he wasn't being yelled at. And honestly, Brian wasn't sure if he preferred this, or if he preferred David to shout at him.
"Hey." He finally replied, his fingers drumming over his knee nervously. It was silent for a few seconds, and Brian wished he could tell what the other man was thinking. He hated not knowing what David was feeling in the moment, and right now was one of those rare times when he had no clue how he was feeling.
It was scary.
"I uh...we ended the recording ten minutes ago. We beat the game." David eventually said, sounding just as nervous as Brian felt.
"Oh, yeah, that's...good." He said, scraping his nails against the rough denim of his jeans. It felt awkward speaking to David. Especially after his little fit.
"Are you okay?"
And there it was.
Brian sighed heavily, watching the way his nail left faint white marks on his jeans from the pressure on the threading.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I just..." he trailed off, unsure of what he could say to make himself sound heard. There was no real explanation other than the fact that he has madly in love with David and the words of his friends pissed him off. And he couldn't just say it was the second part, because Brian used to go all in on the teasing as well before he gathered feelings for the guy.
It was nearly impossible to lie to David — not because the other was a human lie detector, but because he couldn't bring himself to.
"I just got a lot on my plate." He decided to come up with.
It was silent on the other line for a few seconds, another scary moment when Brian didn't know what the other Irishman was thinking.
"Okay...okay yeah I get it...do ya wanna talk about it?" He asked, and this time Brian could hear the hesitancy in his voice, the nerves.
He didn't know how to respond. Honestly, he really wished he could talk about it. Wished that he could get a few things off his chest, especially with the person that they were about. But talking about it meant potentially exposing his feelings and he wasn't ready to get that vulnerable. Maybe he never would.
"Uh...not really." He admitted, and he sort of wishes he had been more subtle about it or came up with some sort of excuse. He was used to being forward with David, but right now wasn't exactly the time for that.
The other Irishman was silent for a few seconds, as if surprised by the truth behind his negative feelings.
"Ok...okay, that's fine. Uh...just- i wanted ta check on ye because...y'know." He said, a small waver in his voice that let Brian know that David was...embarrassed.
And Brian felt like shit, because was he embarrassed by the fact that he had to be the one to address this to Brian? Was he embarrassed because of what Brian did in front of their friends? Was he embarrassed that Brian even said anything, making David seem like a big baby in front of a whole livestream of fans? Or was he embarrassed because his comfort was just declined?
Whatever it was, Brian knew he was at fault.
"Y-yeah, I...yeah, I'm sorry about t'at. I just snapped, I guess- which isn't an excuse or anything but you know how I can get overwhelmed sometimes. And Marcel...was just being extra Marcel today." He said apologetically, earning a soft hum in understanding.
"Yeah, I get that. He was pretty much quiet after you left. I almost thought he quit halfway through as well." David replied. Brian hummed and they sat in another long silence — that Brian was trying to figure out if it was comfortable or not.
"Could you...uh..." Brian trailed off, scratching the back of his neck in embarrassment. He was ashamed of what he did, now that he was really looking back on it, and although he promised himself he wouldn't apologize for speaking up, he still felt like a major asshole for snapping at his friends like that. Not because he felt bad, but because of what caused him to snap.
He wouldn't have gone all ballistic if Marcel hadn't brought up the fact that he wished David and him could be together. It was a low blow, a cheap one at that, and he was still angry about it. But he also knows how pathetic it was to be getting angry at other people for his own personal problems.
"Yeah?" David pried gently, as if coaxing the words out of Brian's mouth with the simple low drawl of his tone, and like always, Brian responded to it.
"Could you maybe apologize fer me? I know the guys, I know they're still in discord talkin'. I just...I kinda wanna take a nap, get my shit sorted. I'll definitely apologize ta them personally later, I just...need some time alone for now. Maybe a few hours or so...if that's cool with you." He asked nervously, feeling his entire body tingle and itch with a hot blush of shame.
This was just embarrassing. He was a grown ass man and he couldn't even face his feelings when it came to the person he loved.
Again, pathetic.
"Of course. Yeah, I will, definitely. Uh, get some rest...I guess I'll talk to you later then?" David said, a hopeful edge in his voice that made Brian's heart jolt in his chest.
"Yeah, of course...that would be nice, actually." He said, and it wasn't just a hope, it was a promise. He would talk to David later. No matter what. What for? Who knows yet. But his presence was all he wanted, all he needed. He would figure it out later.
"Yeah, it would...see ye later, Brian." David's voice was softer than silk as he spoke, and the feeling of electricity coursed through Brian's spine like it always did whenever David spoke with that low, deep tone that always promised care and support. Something that wasn't remotely sexual, but was somehow filled with need and tension.
Brian hates that he fucking loved it.
"See ya." He said, forgetting to say bye before he ended the call and dropped his phone down onto his desk with a heavy thud. He sighed deeply, slumping over in his seat.
What was he doing with his life by bringing David closer and closer? Encouraging himself? Or torturing himself?
He wasn't sure, but he knew he wouldn't stop. He wouldn't drop David for the world.
•×•
When Brian said it was a promise to talk to David later, he had meant over the phone. Maybe over a FaceTime even, so Brian could have the guilty pleasure of staring at David's handsome face over the screen.
But not in person. That's not what he had in mind at all.
Brian knew David was at his door. He could tell because of the way he knocked. Was it weird to memorize how your best friend knocks? Probably not, but it made Brian feel obsessive.
His hand trembled slightly as he set his cup of tea down, making his way over to the front door. It'd been a few hours since their last phone call, and between that, he had taken a long hard nap, showered, responded to a few emails, and made himself a cup of tea.
He would've made dinner if he wasn't so mentally exhausted, but he didn't think he would be able to stomach anything anyways after everything that's been going through his head. His actions have been bothering him for hours, and although he knows he wasn't going to apologize to the guys directly, he knows he would feel the need to do it eventually. Which would probably be tomorrow because he couldn't help himself from trying to fix issues even if he wasn't the one of doing, or the one at fault.
But now, he's got David at his door and he didn't know what to do.
He slightly regretted telling everyone he was flying over to Ireland for a bit, because he'd totally forgotten that it was David's visiting month in Ireland as well.
And even so, despite everything, Brian couldn't help the way he giddily made his way to the door knowing that David had driven three hours just to see him.
Pathetic.
He opened the door faster than he had meant, and despite knowing who was behind said door, he couldn't help the look of surprise that flickered across his face.
It was always so jarring to see David in person because Brian easily forgot how much more attractive he was in real life. Taller than him by a handful of inches, deep emerald eyes that made his knees shake and perfect pink lips that he would kiss all day if he was allowed.
"H-hey...what're ye doing here?" He managed to ask, his grip tightening on the doorknob at the look of pure affection that David gave him. One that was only reserved for Brian, and Brian knew it.
"You knew I was comin'." David said, and oh my, Brian forgot how low of a voice he had. Smooth, deep. The kind of voice that makes you want to hear what kinds of noises you could pull in a moment of unbridled passion.
"Yeah." Brian admitted softly. It wasn't a complete lie either. He knew David was in Ireland, and he knew that the other man would want to see him sometime this week. He just didn't think he would go through all that trouble over a small fight.
David pursed his lips, obviously resisting the urge to bite his lip. It used to be a nervous tick, and it would get his lips all chapped and dry. Brian had told David to stop because it would hurt his lips, and for the most part, David had obeyed.
But there was still times like this when he could physically see the nerves on David's face. It was endearing as it was confusing. David should never have to be nervous around him, yet, he still had these random moments.
"Uh, so ye gonna let me in?" David asked, a small grin spread across his face when Brian let out a sheepish chuckle.
"Yeah, yeah, sorry. It was just a bit unexpected." He admitted, backing away to let the other man in. David chuckled his understanding, moving past Brian and into the house. And sure, maybe if Brian inhaled David's scent of lavender and jasmine, then he was subtle enough to not even realize it himself.
"Oh, ye got a new carpet. It's nice."
"David."
"Right, right, sorry." David mumbled, sitting himself down on the couch and turning his knees in to face Brian. The latter stopped at the arm of the couch, staring down at the man who had caused him so much anger, happiness, greed and well...other things. David made him feel a lot of things.
"So, um...let's talk about it." He said gently, his hands fidgeting with his jeans nervously but the seriousness in his voice left no room for argument. They were going to have this conversation, whether Brian wanted to or not.
He sighed heavily, a long heavy breath that made his chest hurt a little. He had to mentally prepare himself before moving to sit neck to David, albeit a whole cushion away. He ignored the look of confusion David shot him, because unlike with anyone else, David was used to being all touchy with him. In fact, Brian was probably the only one who David allowed to get all physical and affectionate with.
Of course, nothing past hugs and sitting directly next to each other. Brian was lucky he's gotten away with a few ass slaps.
But Brian usually takes the initiative of being so close to David, and seeing the clear confusion on David's face made him sweat nervously.
Not so subtly, David scooted closer to him and Brian felt like even more of an asshole when he moved away and a look of hurt flashed across David's face.
"Uh... okay." David said quietly, scooting back the way he was. Brian swallowed thickly, resting his elbows on his knees as he averted his gaze. He couldn't bear to look in David's eyes, not after what he'd said to the guys.
He felt like an intruder, almost. Speaking when he was in no place to speak, getting angry when he has no place to get angry.
"Um...I just..." Brian trailed off, not sure how to start. There wasn't much he could say other than the truth, but the reason for the amplified anger could completely be ignored.
"I've just been going through a lot of...emotions, lately. Uhm, a- and I just...I dunno. Hearing them just be complete assholes to you was making me...frustrated. I know I probably shouldn't have said anything, but it would've come out eventually. The outburst, I mean." He explained, rubbing his hands together awkwardly.
David hummed in response, licking his lips in thought. His frown only deepened, because that didn't sound like a good enough explanation, to be honest.
"Alright...I get that. But I mean...they're our friends, y'know? I'm used ta—"
"Well it's not something you should be 'used to'." Brian snapped, turning his head to glare at the other Irishman. David blinked owlishly, momentarily taken by surprise at the sudden change of tone.
Brian sighed heavily, hanging his head in his hands.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's just frustrating. You deal wit' so much shit and you don't even complain about it." He shook his head, lowering his voice a bit. He really needed to stop himself from snapping more often, but it was starting to get really hard considering shutting up was never one of his strongest suits.
"Well ta me it's not a big deal. Like I said, they're our friends. I mean...I get why it bothers you, I do. But like...I don't need someone to step in and...y'know? I appreciate ye carin' like that, but we've all said worse things, Brian. This is normal." David explained softly, reaching a hand out to lightly touch Brian's shoulder.
The shorter man stiffened for a few seconds before relaxing into the touch, heaving out another heavy sigh.
"That- but that's just the point, David. It isn't normal. It shouldn't be normal. Yeah, one day we're picking on Pasta, the next day we're picking on Delirious. But when it's your God damn day, you get fucking abused. Verbally fucking abused. And it's complete bullshit." He said in disbelief, turning to finally face the other man.
David was staring at him with an expression that looked between a mix of defeat and understanding, reeling his hand back and dropping it into his lap.
"Well—"
"Well nothing. I'm done, dude. You're like, the nicest most sweetest fucking person I've ever met and I care for you a whole fucking lot. And it pisses me off every time you ask me if you're stupid or if you're slow or if you're annoying. It breaks my fucking heart, David. You of all people don't deserve that shit. Someone like me deserves that shit. Someone like Tyler deserves that shit. You fucking don't." Brian said sternly, poking a harsh finger at David's chest.
The taller man blinked at him, unsure of what to say. He looked around the room, as if searching for the right words, and Brian knew he had him stumped.
"I mean...it bothers me on some level, yeah. Sometimes ye guys can be a bit...rude, but like I already said, Brian, they're our friends. I don't hold it against them. I say some pretty bad shit too, stuff that makes people in comment sections get mad at me for so called taking it too far. But that's just us, that's how we are. They always apologize after every recording session, you know that." David sighed softly, tilting his head slightly when Brian looked away from him.
"Yeah, well apologies mean nothing when you go and repeat the same actions over and over again." Brian mumbled, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back into the couch. He felt like a child getting gentle-parented, with his pout and his crossed arms and whatnot.
It was silent for a long time, the only sounds were the soft hum of the ceiling fan and the steady beating of Brian's heart in his chest. His breathing felt too loud, and he was slightly worried that David could hear it as much as he could.
"What's with all this?"
Brian blinked at the wall in front of him for a second before turning to face David with a look of confusion. The taller man was frowning at him deeply, a look of genuine curiosity on his face.
And Brian knew he was screwed.
"What do ye mean?" He asked, his voice coming out a little rougher than intended.
"Ye've been so pent up lately. I tried ta chalk it down to ye just being grumpy, but when it's just us, you're always so happy and chipper. But when it's wit' te guys, ye just get real...quiet. What's all that about?" He demanded, although his voice remained gentle.
"David, I said what I said. I just don't like the way they—"
"Don't try ta bullshit me, Brian. I know you better than you know yourself."
"You don't know me as well as you think."
Brian regretted snapping like he did, and with the way that David flinched at the genuinely angry tone, it just made him regret ever opening his fucking mouth.
David pursed his lips again, sighing softly as he looked away. Brian wanted to reach forward and explain that he wasn't trying to be an asshole, but that's something only an asshole would say.
"What are you not telling me?" David eventually asked, his voice a soft whisper. Brian stared back at him, his mouth gaped open speechlessly. He snapped his jaw back shut, his arms tightening across his chest.
"I'm not..." He couldn't finish his sentence. How could he? When he couldn't even look David in the eye and lie. Over a recording it was different, because David couldn't tell by the sound of his voice. But by the physical tics and the twitches, he was a dead giveaway.
David narrowed his eyes at him, his lips tightening in a thin line of disapproval.
God, Brian hated that look when it was directed at himself.
"I..." He paused, feeling his chest tighten. It felt like he couldn't breathe, like someone was pushing directly on his ribcage.
"I have these...feelings for you. I won't tell you what kind but just know that I care about you a whole fucking lot. More than a man should." He started. He had to quickly look away from the face David was making, squaring his shoulders up defensively as he felt his face heat up.
"And when people say certain things about you or...us, it really, really messes with me. I know you can stand up fer yourself, I know ye're not sensitive. For the longest time I tried not ta speak up for you but..." He sighed heavily, running a shaky hand through his hair.
This feeling felt familiar. Like the time he was asking out a girl to prom in high school. Like how he nervously picked up his first one nightstand. Like how he had his first real relationship.
Deja Vu.
"It's...not fair." He grit through his teeth, keeping his head turned away from the other man because he didn't want him to see how pathetic he was.
That word keeps popping up. Pathetic. Quite the choice to describe how Brian's been feeling these past few weeks. Months even.
The silence in the room was so loud, Brian couldn't even hear his breathing anymore. Was he even breathing, actually? Oh, he's just holding his breath.
Imagine dying that way. Holding your breath until you pass out in front of someone you had deep romantic feelings for because you technically just confessed those feelings.
Tragic.
"Look at me." David spoke up, and suddenly he sounded so much closer than before. But Brian was stubborn, facing the wall as he heard David shift closer on the couch again. He could feel the heat of his body, and suddenly Ireland's weather didn't seem so bad tonight.
He flinched when he felt a warm hand cup his cheek, gently turning his head to face him. Brian barely had any time to look into David's pretty emerald eyes before those soft pink lips were on his.
Brian froze. Or maybe he was already frozen before. Either way, he was stiff when David kissed him. All gentle touch and soft affection.
There was no heat behind the kiss, no greed or urgency. But the feeling, oh the feeling. It was straight like passion. The lightest brush of the lips that made Brian's blood sing through his veins and remind his body how to function.
He brought a shaky hand up to David's cheek, the touch tentative at first before he slid his fingers back around to the other man's nape and pulled them closer together.
Brian kissed back, his lips reciprocating the gesture as he leaned forward, pushing right back into the action.
It was strange how familiar this felt. How natural it was. Like second nature.
Brian's grip tightened just a little, tilting his head to slot their lips together perfectly and suddenly Brian couldn't remember a thing other than how perfect, perfect, perfect.
Why was David here again? Why had Brian been so irritated earlier? Well, he certainly didn't feel like apologizing to anyone anymore.
Brian shifted in his seat, moving his other hand to cup David's cheek and brush his thumb over the soft stubble on his jaw. A deep sigh left the taller man's full lips and Brian gave into the urge to bite on the bottom lip.
The noise of surprise that left David's lips stirred something possessive in Brian's veins and he nearly went further...if David hadn't set a hand on his chest and gently pushed him away.
He blinked in confusion, his hands slowly falling away, itching to touch more, to claim more. But the flustered look on David's face was completely worth the distance.
"Um...I have feelings fer you, too. And I care about you a whole lot, too." He said calmly, his hand still resting on Brian's cheek. The shorter man felt a warm bzz in his chest at those words, the tightness easily loosening to let his heart beat erratically without the negative symptom of rejection.
"But, that doesn't mean you can snap at our friends because you feel angry on my behalf." David finished quickly. But Brian wasn't even thinking about anything he'd just said, because all he heard was the words "I care a whole lot about you too" and he let himself move forward to cup David's face and pull him in for another kiss.
The other man made a noise of disbelief, grumbling slightly as he tugged at Brian's shirt.
"Mmn- Brian, did ye even hear me?" He scoffed, but Brian was too busy grinning to care.
"Huh? No, not really." He admitted sheepishly, earning a fond eye roll from the other Irishman.
"I said, ye can't be snapping at our friends. I care about them too and yeah, they're assholes. But just be an asshole back. That's what I always do. Plus, ragebating them is hilarious." David said, not once moving away from the soft kisses Brian was placing on his cheeks.
"I love you." He said, ignoring everything said, because why not?
It's already been established, Brian was pathetic. Pathetic and in love.
"Brian, listen to me." David whined, pouting when Brian landed another kiss right on the tip of his nose.
"Say it back first so I know I'm not rejected." He demanded, earning another eye roll, this one a little more genuine than the last.
"I love you, Brian." David groaned out in annoyance, but the way he softly cupped Brian's cheeks and pulled him in for another gentle kiss, was anything but.
Brian leaned into it, unable to hide the smile on his lips as he threaded his fingers through David's soft, dark hair at the base of his neck. They pulled back slowly, matching flushes on their faces.
"Alright, now I'm listening." Brian mumbled, grinning at the unamused look on his best friend's face.
"You're pathetic." He said, but the jab only made his grin grow.
"I know. Only for you."