Chapter Text
Catty Bitch: Guess who just helped Constance out with a perv? I am so in.
Sarah groaned, tossing her phone to the other side of the sofa. Another Gavin-Crush, another week of too much information. “I am so done,” she said out loud into the tiny livingroom.
“With what?” her wife said from the kitchenette where she was obsessing over Sarah’s packed lunch. Tuna and red onion subs, by the smell of it; Sarah could approve of that, at least.
“Gavin,” said Sarah. “He’s going on about that new person at work again.”
Vera feigned a retching noise. “Ew. I can’t believe he actually said he wants—”
“No, no, stop right there,” Sarah said quickly, stopping Vera before she could finish. “I do not need a repeat of that. I just had breakfast.”
Sarah heard the lid of her lunchbox snap shut, followed by soft footsteps as her wife made her way over to the sofa. She leaned over the back of it, letting her bright red curls frame Sarah’s face. A smirk painted her freckled features. “How is it that you’re more grossed out than I am? You’re the one who’s half allo.”
Sarah rolled her eyes. “Fuck off, Vee.”
“Oh right, you’re allo on the wrong side.” She leaned down and rubbed her nose against Sarah’s forehead, bringing a smile to Sarah’s lips despite herself. “You know, it’s a good thing Gavin’s so ugly, or he might have got one of those slags to stay… and then, we’d have to deal with his hornies every day.”
“Gavin’s not ugly, Vee.”
“Yes, he is,” she said. “Have you seen his skin?”
Sarah refrained from mentioning that Vera said this about everyone’s skin. “He’s just sensitive and has the same skin-care routine as every other man: none.” Sarah had recommended some cream to help with the redness several times, but he never followed up on her advice.
“No, no, it’s more than that. His skin’s nasty. Like a web of semen spread over bone.”
“Thank you for that mental image.”
“It’s true!” Vera insisted. “Look at him properly next time. You’ll see.”
She sighed, knowing this conversation was going nowhere fast.
It was a tale as old as time. Gavin would get the hots for some uppity bitch and lose all his common sense, Sarah would hear all about his horniness whether she wanted to or not, and then Gavin’s crush would completely ignore him or cast him aside, leaving Sarah to deal with the resulting grouchiness. It had happened enough times by now that Vera – who treated real-life allo relationships like reality TV, popcorn and all – had stopped seeing it as entertainment and started making fun of Gavin’s manic heterosexuality behind his back instead – when she wasn’t feeling sorry for him and sending Sarah over to his apartment with freshly-baked cakes and cookies, that is.
“Anyway,” said Vera, “here’s your lunch. Eat everything, don’t start with dessert, and don’t let Gavin sneak any bites. He owes me for horny-dumping in my home.”
Sarah accepted the lunchbox with thanks. Vera slapped her hand away when she tried to peek inside, and Sarah feigned hurt before asking her what she had planned for the day while Sarah was at work.
Vera began babbling about her list of work tasks, chores, and the hobbies she wanted to indulge in. Sarah closed her eyes, focusing on her wife’s arms as they wound themselves around her shoulders from behind the sofa, letting Vera’s words wash over her. She had a pretty voice. Sarah had always thought it was like a musical instrument – a gentle one like a harp – and had said as much to her over their first Skype call all those years ago. It felt so long ago now.
The phone buzzed on the other side of the sofa, making Sarah groan again. “What does he want?” she said, not opening her eyes.
Vera’s hair tickled Sarah’s face as she fluttered away from her and around to where Sarah had discarded her phone on the sofa. The cushions dipped beside Sarah, and she felt her partner’s warm arm press up against her own. “He says, ‘God, I wish I was working today.’”
From most people, that sentence would have signalled the end times. From Gavin, who voluntarily worked from home on his days off and did at least three twelve-hour shifts a week, it was barely eyeroll-worthy.
Sarah her eyes. “That it?”
“Yeah.” The phone buzzed again, and Vera amended, “No. He also says, ‘Hey, you’re in today, right? Can you talk me up to her?’ Aww, he even added puppy eyes at the end…”
“Tell him, No fucking way.”
“But the puppy-eyes—”
“I’m not helping Gavin get laid!”
“It would make her dump him faster,” Vera pointed out. “The quicker they get together, the quicker she’ll dump him and the sooner we stop hearing about her waistline. And like I always say, Gavin’s ugly, so it’s not like she’ll keep him. No one does; allos are shallow like that.”
Sarah groaned. “For fuck’s sake, Vera, Gavin isn’t ugly! People find him hot. He just doesn’t normally notice because he’s obsessive about work.”
“Sure,” Vera said, unconvinced. “And this Instance girl—”
“Constance.”
“—is she hotter than him?”
Sarah pulled a face. “She looks like something off a magazine cover, except unlike them, she actually looks good without makeup. Then she’s got, like, these Nineties action movie vibes. Y’know, all spandex and lasers and sultry looks, but also kinda dumb so the male love interest seems smarter by comparison? She even did a bike chase yesterday. A bike chase. Over roofs.” Gavin had looked like he’d wanted to jump her right then and there when he found that out. Sarah was never touching either of their desks ever again.
“Well, she definitely sounds hotter than Gavin,” said Vera. “He doesn’t stand a chance.”
She wasn’t wrong. Asexual though she may be, Sarah had got as far as she had as a police officer for a reason. She had eyes.
Constance Brown was not attracted to Gavin. She was playing with him. And he was falling right into her sadistic trap.
For a moment, back when they’d met in the break room, Sarah had thought that maybe this one wasn’t so bad. She had a sense of humour, at least. But then she’d seen the lustless smirks and the superiorly turned heads, and it had dawned upon Sarah that Constance was just as toxic as every other of Gavin’s past crushes – if not worse.
But Gavin wouldn’t listen to her. He never did. He followed his dick and then turned into a bitchy porcupine when it inevitably got chopped off.
Perhaps Vera was right, and it was better to rip off the band aid now than let Gavin unwittingly pour salt into his own wounds. It might shorten his porcupine phase, at least.
Sarah sighed. “Fine. Guess I’ll… talk him up to her,” she said, disgusted at her own words.
“Yes!” Vera exclaimed. “Ooh, what will you say? Shall we script it up now? How about, ‘You know Gavin’s cummy face? Well, I hear his actual cumface is surprisingly handsome! You should convince him to show it to—'”
“No,” said Sarah. “Vera, this is serious.”
“Fine. How about… ‘I have it on good authority that Gavin’s dick is—‘”
“Nothing sexually explicit.”
“But it’s so funny!”
Sarah laid one hand over that of her pouting girlfriend. “Flirting isn’t a joke to allos.”
She sniffed, turning her freckled nose up at Sarah’s comment. “Well, perhaps they’d get more game if they did treat it like a joke! Everyone loves a comedian.”
Which was why so many comedians got divorced.
Sarah outstretched her hand. “Pass me my phone, will you? I need to google how to talk people up in a sexy sense.” Despite all of Gavin’s past crushes, she’d never actually done it before.
Vera passed the phone over and said, “I don’t see why you can’t just lock them in a room together. It works for everyone else.”
“This isn’t a shitty fanfiction,” Sarah said distractedly while typing her query into google. She paused. “Wait… what did you say?”
“That it works for everyone else.”
“No, before that.”
“That you should just lock them into a room together?”
“Yes,” said Sarah, brain running at a mile a minute. “Yes, that could work.”
“Well, duh, I just said it works for everyone else!” Vera rolled her eyes, but excitement rolled off of her in waves as she leaned forward, eyes glittering with mischief. “Where’re you thinking? Hotel room? Motel room? Evidence locker? No, that doesn’t have a bed… mind you—”
“Our livingroom.”
Vera visibly recoiled. “Darling, I love you, but I’m not letting Gavin have sex on our sofa. That’s just wrong.”
“No, don’t you get it?” Sarah leaned forward, closing the distance Vera had drawn between them as she fixed her partner with a conspiratorial grin. “We lock them alone in a room with two lovey-dovey lesbians and nobody else, then make them watch smutty romance movies with us!”
The corners of Vera’s nose turned up in disgust. “That’s stupid,” she said bluntly. “It’ll never work. They need to be alone with one bed, that’s the whole trope.”
But Sarah was already texting an affirmative to Gavin, even though what she had in mind was not quite what he’d asked for. “Not this time,” she said. “And besides, this is way better than me trying to talk Gavin up to some woman I’ve barely met. I mean, it’s Gavin. He doesn’t just have a dick, he is a dick.”
Vera opened her mouth to protest again, but then a thoughtful expression crossed her face. Suddenly, she laughed. “Gavin’s face is a giant pink bellend!” she cackled.
Sometimes, Sarah really questioned why she fell in love with this woman.
“Hey,” Vera managed between laughs. “Hey, Sarah, d’you reckon that when he gets kissed, like, he gets done for public indecency? Y’know, ‘cause it’s like a blowjob? Eh? Eh? Sarah? Eh?”
Sarah pushed down the bile in her throat at the images conjured. “Yes,” she said, just to shut Vera up. “Which is why you’re finding us our smutty romance movies for tomorrow night.”
She stopped laughing. “What? No! I don’t know what allos look for in smut! I just laugh at the silly noises!”
“Better than getting sick at the ‘silly noises’,” Sarah countered.
Vera sobered up at that. She wrung her hands. “I really don’t know what to look for, though.”
Shrugging, Sarah grabbed her lunchbox and stood up, heading for the doorway where her bag was. “Just find something with just enough plot for them not to get suspicious, but also has at least one sex scene.” She stuffed her lunchbox in the bag. “Maybe some nudity. Definitely some hot action bitch to remind Gavin of Constance.”
“What about the Ponstance girl?” Vera said as she moved over to help Sarah untwist her bag strap. “How are we supposed to remind her of Gavin?”
“I dunno. Just pick something with a generic, smug white guy as the love interest, that should do it.”
Vera nodded grimly. “So any male love interest of a female action star pre-2010.”
A laugh burst from her throat. “Exactly!”
Sarah leaned forward to plant a chaste kiss upon her wife’s lips, which she happily reciprocated. As they parted, Sarah wound one lock of red hair around her finger. “Call you at lunch?”
“Yes please,” said Vera. “Oh, and can you get some more flour on your way back? And maybe some snacks for tomorrow? I think we’re out of Doritos…”
Sarah nodded. Reluctantly, she reached for the door handle. “Love you, Veevee.”
“Love you too, Sarahlot.” Vera patted down Sarah’s uniform, dusting off some imaginary lint and smoothing out made-up creases. Then she let go. “Stay safe!”
“I’ll do my best,” Sarah promised, before opening the front door.
Vera watched from the door as Sarah made her way to the elevator. Sarah waved to her as its doors slid shut, and only then did she let her smile drop.
She squared her shoulders. She was a police officer. A good police officer, one who did her job, followed the rules, and took no shit. She could handle inviting a woman she’d barely spoken to into her home.
Oh god, what had she signed up for?