Chapter Text
Chapter 1: A Summary of Nick
Nick
Nick is sat in the waiting room of the clinic. His knee bouncing erratically of its own accord. He glances at his phone again; 4.27pm. Three minutes left for him to simply turn tail, and run. He could tell the receptionist he wasn’t feeling well, that he needed to re-schedule. Or that he’s decided ultimately, therapy really isn’t for him. There’s nothing that wrong with him, not really. So, he’s been struggling a bit recently? That’s normal. It doesn’t actually need the input of a professional. Not that there’s anything wrong with therapy, he wouldn't judge someone else, but surely, he has enough support in his life, without this. It’s not like he’s got any real problems. In fact, he feels a little ashamed that he’d even consider his most recent period of self- discovery a problem at all.
His brain felt fuzzy, as he looked at the exit. His eyes were tired in that way that happens when you’ve spent too much time staring at a screen. Too many late nights spiraling down google rabbit holes.
Maybe, he should stay. After all, he‘d been a blubbering wreck for the last several weekends, over at his mum’s house and it really wasn’t fair to lay it all at her door, however supportive she’d been. “Maybe you need to talk to someone Nicky, a professional. I’m here any time you need me of course but, a friendly ear and a warm shoulder can only take you so far. I’m sure you could find someone who could help you properly with this.”
So, he’d made the appointment partly for her sake. Then she didn’t have to be the only one listening to his complaints. He didn’t want to be a burden. At least if he was paying someone, maybe he’d feel less guilty about the self-indulgence of it all. Shit, not that therapy is self-indulgent, God, what a prick. , Or at least not for other people, people with real problems.
Oh God.Maybe he should just leave... what would this person think of him? Would Nick be able to tell, if behind the words of encouragement and coping strategies, they really thought he was being a pathetic, weak...
“Nicholas Nelson?”
Nick opens his eyes, that he hadn’t even appreciated he was scrunching shut during his endless shame spiral and now, it’s too late to run. Time for his appointment.
He looks to the source of the soft, kindly voice from the doorway in the corner of the waiting room. He swallows thickly. This wasn’t what therapists were meant to look like. Not that he needed an old man in tweed with a beard, or a grey haired lady in her 50s wearing tie die and sandals but.... surely therapists weren’t allowed to be this ... hot. Fuck.
“That’s me.” He stands up and lifts his hand into a ridiculous motionless wave.Why are you waving at him, he’s 10 feet away, you utter weirdo.
The man smiles at him sweetly and, waves back, in a way that immediately puts him at ease. Like Nick hadn’t just completely forgotten how to perform basic human interactions, such a simple greeting. The man then beckons him to the room. Nick approaches, aware he’s possibly already starting to flush a little. He made the doorway and briefly meets the man’s eye, “Hi.” His voice feels deep and soft in his throat, he’s not sure what he’s even doing. Is he flirting? It’s not possible to flirt by just saying ‘hi’ is it?
His new therapist, with the kind face and the sharp cheek bones, looks up at him with wide steely blue eyes. “Hi. I’m Charlie – come on in.”
Charlie stands to the side allowing him space to enter before closing the door and motioning to a comfy sofa, opposite a green velvet armchair. Nick sits and folds his arms tightly across his chest. The room is inviting and comfy, with framed posters on the wall and pot plants dotted around the floor. There’s a desk in the corner, with photos facing toward the wall. Nick wonders briefly, who’s contained within those images. Who does Charlie keep printed and at his side whilst working?
“So, Nicholas, why don’t you tell me a bit about why you’re here today.”
“Oh, just Nick is fine. I just put that on the form... but yeah, it’s just Nick.”
“OK, just Nick – I've read a bit about your background, but it’d be nice to hear, in your own words, why you’re here.”
Nick rubs at this thighs, a couple of times and looks toward the window, noticing as the branches of a nearby tree bend and sway in the wind. He takes a deep, somewhat shuddering breath.
“I don’t... I’m not sure if this is, like, maybe it’s stupid really.”
“What’s stupid?”
“I just, there’s nothing wrong with me. Not that, I’m not saying, you have to have something wrong with you, God. I mean to go to therapy but... I don’t really have any problems.”
“Wow, can you tell me what that’s like?”
“Hmm?”
“To have absolutely no problems? Must be nice!”
“No, I mean, obviously, I just... I’m not sure. I think I’m probably wasting your time.”
“Well, not to be to mercenary about this Nick but I’m being paid either way. So, how about you just talk it through, and we can worry about whether it was a waste of time after?”
“Oh... yeah. Well, OK, I just, I’m sorry if - I don’t know, it’s hard to put into words, I feel a bit silly.”
“That’s normal. We’ve just met and I’m asking you to tell me all about yourself. I get, this isn’t a natural thing for you. How about, I talk you through some of the things you put on your form and then, we can take it from there?”
“OK.”
“OK. So, it says, that you’ve recently come to the realisation that your bisexual, and you’ve been struggling to come to terms with what that means for you? Is that right?”
“Yeah, I mean, sort of.”
“OK, why sort of?”
“Well, I just, I guess, I have, I have been struggling, but also like I feel really stupid. Like, I’ve always thought I was quite self aware – in touch with my own feelings? And... yeah... plus then I feel so guilty. Not... not about liking guys, shit – I don't’ want you to think. Fuck. I... know this is like your thing.... I know you specialise in supporting queer people with their mental health. I'm not – I'm not ashamed if that’s what you think. I just.... well I feel guilty that I’m struggling.”
“Can you tell me more about what you mean by that?”
“Just like, obviously, it’s fine, you know. Like I’ve got queer friends, I’m not homophobic or anything, and shit... that sounds like saying I’m not racist because I’ve got a black dentist doesn’t it? That’s not what I mean... fuck. Sorry, I keep swearing.”
Charlie leans forward a little in his seat, the hint of a smile playing on his lips, “This isn’t Sunday school Nick, you can swear here.”
“I just mean, I don’t know why I’ve got a problem with figuring this out. Like, why has it upset me? Does it mean, that on some level, I don’t think it’s OK? But like – I do – I genuinely do, of course. Why would it matter? But it’s just I don’t know, I still, when I realised, like I just, I started crying and .... I don’t really understand why. Why was I so upset, if I don’t think it’s bad? But it’s just... it’s a lot. And I mean, I’m 30 years old – what the fuck is that about, not knowing till now?”
Nick pauses for a moment but Charlie gives him space to continue, he chews on his lip continues with his explanation,
“Like looking back – it's actually pretty fucking obvious. So, what, I’ve been suppressing this? But why would I do that if I’m genuinely not some awful human being who secretly harbours like horrible, offensive views? But ... like I’m not – I just... yeah... so yeah I suppose I have, I have been struggling with it.”
Charlie takes a deep breath and offers Nick a sweet, closed mouth smile. He doesn’t seem to be horrified by Nick’s somewhat incoherent stream of consciousness and the warmth of his look has a calming effect. He has a softness about him, not weak or fragile just tender, unassuming, kind. Even his cosy, light blue, wool cardigan, is all fuzzy, it gives a weird effect, like his edges are blurred. Like he was covered in the thick luxurious fur of a Russian Blue cat, his shoulder the perfect pillow to snuggle into. That’s a weird thought, Nick.
“So first of all, thank you for telling me all that. I know it’s hard to get started, it’s always hard to take that first step and I appreciate your openness. There’s lots for us to work through there, but, I think one thing I want you to try and keep in mind as we go through this, is I’m not here to judge you. Like you said, I specialise in the queer space, I have a lot of experience in people coming to terms with their sexuality – sometimes a lot later in life than you. I need you to let go of the idea that because you’ve found some of it hard, that I’m going to think your homophobic or that you secretly possess terrible views.
“I would think the fact your here is a pretty clear indication, that that isn’t the case, and well, you’re not really giving that impression Nick. So please, I can sense the natural instinct to apologies emanating from your every pour. But if you can do your best to let go of the idea that I’m judging you. I think you’re going to get a lot more out of our sessions. Easier said than done, of course, but that’s just something to bear in mind.”
“I’ll... I’ll do my best.”
“Good.” Charlie smiled at him again and he felt that little bit safer, the tension carried in his shoulders, easing slightly.
“So, to give you a bit more about how I tend to work. I think it’s important you feel comfortable here Nick. I usually start things off getting a sense of why someone is seeking help but for the most part, I find people are more open once they’re relaxed. And so, I think we’re probably best just to go through some more background about you first, before diving into more serious topics.
“Give, me a sense of who you are, what’s going on your life. A basic biography, but if something comes up naturally, we might begin to pull at that thread? Most people are more at ease talking about more generic things first and it helps me paint a picture. Then we can delve a little deeper into the specifics that you’re struggling with.
“I do hope you understand, that this can’t be a one and done situation. This is a process, and at the moment I just ask that your open with me and tell me about you. Then over the coming weeks we can work together to try and find any tools or techniques which might help you. I do need to make you aware that we might have to face some uncomfortable truths before we get to a place of healing. You need to understand your feelings before you can work on them, and sometimes that means removing some of the defences and barriers that you’ve put in place to protect yourself. We will go gently though, and we can set a comfortable pace for you. Does that sound like a good approach?”
“Yeah, that, yeah. That sounds good.”
“So, tell me a bit about you Nick?”
“Like...?”
“Like... what do you do for a living, what are your hobbies, who do you live with, do you have family close by... just give me a summary of Nick.”
“Well, OK so, I’m a teacher at the local high school, I play a bit rugby and actually I’ve started helping coach at the school too which is great. I live alone now but, em... yeah my mum is like 20 minutes away and we’re really close. She’s been great, and well, she suggested I spoke to someone actually, like a professional.”
“I’m glad, you’ve got her support. Any other family?”
“I mean, my mum’s sister and her family are all lovely but I suppose, you know, life is busy, we don’t see each other as much as we used to.”
“So, no siblings?”
Nick felt his cheeks flush, he hadn’t especially wanted to talk about this already, but what was the point in being here if he wasn’t honest.
“Oh, I mean, yeah I’ve a brother, David. He’s 4 years older than me, he lives in London though, we don’t... he’s not. Well, I suppose, he’s been a bit shit about the whole thing if I’m honest. We were never super close but, fuck, I didn’t think he’d be this much of a prick.”
“Can you tell me a bit more about that? Or do you want to come back to it later?”
The fact he was giving him the space to say no, I’m not ready to talk about this felt like a gift.
“I don’t mind talking about it, I mean I don’t love it but that‘s why I’m here so... It’s just, I think it’s the bi thing for him more than the liking guys. Or I don’t know that for sure but like, he’s angry with me for not just ‘admitting I’m gay’. Like, what the fuck? Are you in my head?”
“So, he doesn’t believe you? How has that made you feel?”
“Just - I mean God. I already doubt myself enough. You know? Like, I’ve spent a long time....thinking that what I was feeling was just normal. Shit. Not that, I’m not saying it’s not normal – fuck.”
“Slow down Nick – again, I’m not judging you – what are you trying to say? Take your time to think about what you mean.”
“So, I guess.... I’ve always been vaguely aware that, I mean, I suppose I notice, when men are attractive. But what I mean is, I figured everyone felt a bit like that? I suppose, it was just obvious to me. Like clearly some guys are really hot, and I mean as men, like ‘typical, lads’ we just don’t talk about it. But surely everyone knows, everyone thinks it, but doesn’t say? But I suppose, well, there was another part of me that knew it wasn’t just that. I mean, you know like that thing, where all straight guys fancy Ryan Reynolds or whatever?”
Charlie chuckled and covered his mouth, “Sorry, I... I’m not laughing at you.”
Nick smiled back at him and temporarily got side tracked by the wide eyed grin, and dimples forming on Charlie’s cheeks. “No, but you know, like the man-crush thing, where guys joke about it? Only, like, I suppose I knew somewhere it wasn’t really a joke for me. I mean, it also wasn’t Ryan Reynolds either... not that I mean, obviously he’s attractive but he wasn’t... anyway. That’s not really the point, is it?”
“OK, so re-wind for me, how does this relate to your brother in particular?”
“I guess, I had been doubting or suppressing that I was bi, for years on some level because I was telling myself that everyone, sort of found attractive people attractive, regardless of their gender. And I mean, I never, like I’d not had any real full blown crushes on guys in real life. Or that that I’d acknowledged to myself, anyway. There’d been the odd person I used to obsess over but at the time I just thought it was like really strong admiration you know? But I mean, you don’t normally get butterflies when you just think someone is a really good rugby coach do you?”
“That’s probably not my area of expertise...but no, I wouldn’t have thought so.”
“Well, anyway, that’s I suppose, where the feeling like an idiot bit comes in. So, I finally was getting to this place where I knew it was more than that and David found out, and, fuck, he just immediately jumped to, well if you like guys you must be gay and I mean – I've had long term relationships with women, who I assure you I really fancied. Like – I do like women – so much so that I think that’s kind of why it was easy to ignore this whole other thing, that was going on...”
“Nick, bisexuality exists. Please hear me when I tell you that, I believe you. That experience is not going to be the same for everyone, and the spectrum of your own sexuality may even shift and change over time, but it’s valid to be attracted to more than one gender.”
“I... I do know that.”
“Good. I also want you to really consider what you were feeling when your brother posed that to you. Not, what you were thinking- thoughts aren’t facts. What did it make you feel like not to be believed.”
“Em, I’m not sure, kind of shit.”
“Can you try and be a bit more descriptive, what emotion comes up?”
“I felt, I mean let down, sad, embarrassed, like I don’t want to sound like a prick but I mean – invalidated is the word that comes up.”
“Using words like invalidated in therapy doesn’t make you sound like a prick, just so you know, it’s actually really insightful.”
“It’s just, he’s my big brother and he was meant to look out for me but he just hasn’t, ever. Since dad left, he just....”
Nick trails off realising he’d mentioned his father for the first time. He was smart enough to know that at some point, the subject of the man who was meant to (but didn’t) raise him was bound to come up. But thinking about him was so wearing.
“I was going to ask about your father? When you say he left? Tell me about that.”
“I was 5, David was 9. I mean, people’s parents split up all the time right? And mum more than made up for his absence but yeah, it's still shit. He’s not exactly been the most present. It ebbs and flows, sometimes he’s been more involved than others.”
“Do you.... find you’re still looking for him to be more present?”
“I...” Nick let out a long sigh. “He’s still my dad, you know? And, like, I just I don’t know why he doesn’t seem to care more? Like I’ve spent so much energy, being the type of man that he would respect. Look, I love rugby, genuinely, but I mean I would be playing at a pretty high level even as a teen and he just would tell me all about how I needed to be working on my fitness, or if not my fitness, my strength, and then I’d spend hours in the gym, and he’d see me after 6 months of barely any contact and he’d be, I don’t know, like taken aback? That I’d be bigger or grown muscle or whatever.
“But then he’d say, I hope you're not ignoring your drills, no point in bulking up if you don’t have the technique. I mean by Uni I was consistently be making the 1st 15 at a pretty decent side and he just, he came to see me play like twice. Twice in 4 years. And the truth is I took up rugby because I knew it was his favourite sport. And I mean, it’s not why I play it now. But fucking twice the whole time I was at university?! What the fuck was the point, in constantly seeking his approval? So no, I... I don't know. I’m not sure I am still waiting for him to be present because it’s too little too late now anyway. And Jesus, sorry that was, God, that was a rant. I didn’t come here to like unload my childhood on you.”
“Nick, you’re literally in therapy right now, what did you think you were going to do?”
Nick breathes out a soft laugh through his nose and shakes his head, reaching for the back of his neck. Charlie’s demeanour changes momentarily and he shifts a little uncomfortably in his chair, dropping his eyes to his lap. He reaches for his pen and scribbles something on his notepad.
“So, you mentioned your mum is supportive, can you tell me more about her?”
“I mean she’s perfect. Just warm, and caring and kind and funny. She always knows the right thing to say, she’s been great with all this, I knew she would be.”
Charlie scribbles something else down and smiles in a way that doesn’t quite meet his eyes, like before. “That’s wonderful Nick, but you know... no one is actually perfect. It’s OK if there are times when you.... or if there are things that you feel she didn’t handle well. It doesn’t mean you love her any less, or she doesn’t love you. You can acknowledge any short comings. Especially when you’re here.”
“No, she’s... honestly you don’t know her. She couldn’t have done more for me.”
“No, I don’t and I’m not suggesting she could have. I’m just saying, you don’t have to idealise her. Your mother is a real person, who I’m sure would probably be horrified if she knew you thought of her as flawless.”
“She is,”
“Nick, I’m not going to push that any more for now except to say this is a safe space. Sometimes, when one parent leaves, or is markedly not living up to their responsibility the child can put the remaining parent on a pedestal. It’s important to acknowledge they’re real people too and no one gets it right all of the time.”
Nick feels tears prick at his eyes and he has an uncomfortable feeling in his gut. His knee bounces again and grips his bicep.
“I’m sensing, I’ve made you uncomfortable. We can come back to this at another time if you prefer, but it might help to voice what you're thinking?”
Nick takes in a deep shuddering breath. He hadn’t even thought they’d go here.
“I don’t want to be ungrateful. She’s done everything for me.”
“I’m sure she has, she sounds amazing.”
“I just... sometimes, with David. Like she can’t take sides though, can she? I mean she’s his mum too – so you know – it's not fair to expect her to...”
Nick isn’t capable of finishing a sentence or even following this train of thoughts but Charlie doesn’t let him away with it.
“Tell me more about that.”
“David, could be such an arsehole. Like as a teenager, he was so moody and would grunt and I don’t know. Mum really tried but he’s more like dad and he also hated that dad left so much. Like it was somehow our fault but.... mum she never really called him out. Not really. She’d ask him to be respectful, or you know get at him for taking my things and barging into my room but beyond that she never... Like sometimes he would be so clearly in the wrong, he’d be winding me up constantly and eventually, I’d snap and it was like ‘boys, please can we calm down, let’s not fight’ or swear or whatever but I just, I wanted her to take my side and tell David he was being a prick. But that’s not reasonable.”
“Well, it’s also not unreasonable.”
“But, she can’t take sides, that’s literally a thing about being a mum like she has to love us both the same and....”
“I’m not suggesting she should love your brother any less. Or that, it would be easy to be a parent in that situation but it’s also alright for you to feel hurt that you felt on the receiving end of some pretty unpleasant behaviour, and she didn’t always have your back in quite the way you needed.”
“It’s really small scale in the scheme of things, if you met her, you’d love her, I promise, she’s so wonderful”
“I’m sure.” Charlie seems to flush a little at this and moves the conversation on again,
“So, I know we said we’d just talk background today but we’ve inadvertently strayed a lot into a few deeper topics, and I think that’s great that we’ve already started to unpick a few things. Given that, I wondered if you felt comfortable telling me more about your recent self discovery? How did it all come about, where are you with it now?”
Nick can feel his cheeks heat up a little. There really wasn’t any getting around this topic, it’s why he was here after all but the specifics of this felt so very personal and definitely not something he’d usually feel comfortable sharing, least of all with someone who... looked like Charlie.
“Oh God. It’s so embarrassing.”
“Just own the embarrassment, acknowledge it but don’t let it hold you back. I promise, I’m sure I’ve heard most of it before. I don’t think you’re likely to shock me.”
“Like I said, I’ve been a bit aware of it for a while. I mentioned about finding guys hot but not really liking someone specifically and I mean, I was in a relationship with someone until quite recently and I suppose part of me thought, what does it matter? I’m with Lucy, I was committed to her, so who cares if I was looking at both Paul Mescal and Daisy Edgar-Jones right?”
“Well, that’s up to you, if it’s important to you or not but your sexuality is valid whether you’ve had those relationships or it’s just something you feel.”
“Well, I get that but it was easy to just... ignore it. Then Lucy and I broke up, it wasn’t anything bad, we just had run our course but then, I just.... Shit this is so embarrassing.”
“It’s OK – you can say what you need to say.”
“I suppose, well, I mean, suddenly I wasn’t having sex, right? Like, I’d had years of, pretty regular, pretty decent sex and suddenly I was like, missing it and well you know. Obviously, I got a bit more acquainted with my right hand I guess...”
“You can say masturbation, it’s not a dirty word.”
“Right, but like – come on – I’ve known you less than 30 minutes and I’m talking about wanking, this isn’t normal!”
“In my line of work, it’s more normal than you might think.”
Nick couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at that but, he held back on passing comment, “OK, well, here goes. I don’t always, I mean usually in the past I just.... I can visualise pretty well if you understand me? But I guess, maybe with the break up, a lot of my memories were quite Lucy based. And I mean having a sad wank over an ex is not ideal.”
Nick is blushing furiously now. Charlie appears to be stifling a laugh.
“Oi! You said, this was a safe space.”
“It is – you just... have a way with words Nick. I wasn’t expecting quite that turn of phrase, please continue.”
“So, well anyway, I ended up kind of giving in and I watched a bit of em... adult material.”
Charlie actually snorted at this. “Nick, I’m so sorry, I genuinely don’t know what’s happening to me, but you can say porn. I really didn’t mean to laugh.”
“No, it’s OK, adult material was a new low for me.” They’re grinning at each other now and Nick bends his head dropping eye contact for a moment before smiling up at him again and resuming his frankly mortifying experience.
“Anyway, the point is, I was kind of more aware of the guy, like quite often in these things – I mean I don’t know how much straight porn you’ve watched but... shit no I'm not actually asking you that! Jesus. Oh my God, please, does this sofa have an eject button?”
“Let’s try and focus on your experience here, shall we?”
“Yes, God, I’m a disaster. Em, so well, anyway, there was this one video in particular and it was quite... well the guy was a bit, I guess, he was more to my taste? I mean they’re quite often like big, and kind of you know brutish and just not... not really that appealing, I mean to me. But this guy, God.... he was kind of lean, and willowy and his skin was... and he had these piercing eyes and actually fuck, you don’t need to know what he looked like – that's not remotely relevant. The point was – I couldn’t take my eyes of him and I came so hard I thought I was going to pass out. And then after I, I don't know I just thought maybe I was just wishing it was me, with the girl in the video but I mean that was such utter bullshit and I kept going back to it. And then well... God even more embarrassingly, I think the YouTube algorithm figured out what I was into even before I admitted it to myself?
“I’ve kind of got this habit of scrolling on my phone, well I guess, lots of folks do that right? Anyway, I was watching like another Paul Mescal interview and then, next thing it suggested one with him and em, Andrew Scott, and they were kind of flirting. I mean, I think they’re just really close, I’m not saying there’s anything going on, they seem like friends but they would give each other these little touches and it made me feel.... I don’t know tingly.... and then next thing YouTube was suggesting this interview with Jonathan Bailey about Fellow Travellers.”
Charlie coughed and shifted in his chair.
“I mean.... Jonathan Bailey is just... I mean you know what I’m saying?”
“Nick, let’s stick to you, if that’s OK?”
“Yeah, but I mean – he's so hot right?”
Charlie smirked at him, “Please continue Nick.”
“Anyway, I figured, maybe I should watch it, like it sounded like a really interesting look at an important period of history that I really didn’t know too much about. Have you seen it?”
“Em, I keep abreast of a lot of queer media, it’s important to know these sorts of references.”
“Right, for educational purposes?” Nick is smirking now and Charlie shakes his head at him.
“Nick! Focus, please.”
“Right, so we’ve both watched it for... educational purposes. Anyway, fuck it was... I just, I was so turned on. I mean, I was rock solid for much of it and I couldn’t pretend this was just some slight bro-crush straight boy thing. I was well... anyway you get the picture.”
Charlie cleared his throat again and crossed his legs, staring fixedly down at his notebook.
“I’ve shocked you?”
“No, no, not at all, of course not. I was just checking if there was anything else we needed to revisit before your time is up, sorry, I’m listening. Please, continue, what happened then – when you realised it meant more?”
“You mean aside from the obvious?”
Charlie raise a thick eyebrow and Nick felt like he was being scolded with just a look,
“Yes, aside from that.”
“I guess, I just started revisiting a lot of old memories. Like that rugby coach I mentioned before. Even realising I was attracted to Orlando Bloom just as much as Keira Knightly – I might have had a small Pirates of the Caribbean obsession as a kid.”
“I have heard that’s a fairly common bi- awakening film.”
“Well, if only I’d got it at the time. Anyway, here I am 30 years old and finally realising this and I guess.... anyway. So, then I came out to mum, and she was great but I kept bursting into tears and I can’t even put my finger on why. Like, maybe I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of time, not being me? Like I wish I knew then, what I know now. But then also I keep thinking a bunch of stuff is going to be harder for me. There are all these complications that I never had to deal with before. Which makes me sound like a privileged dick head, you know. But like do I need to keep coming out all the time, every time I meet someone new, or I catch up with an old friend? ‘Oh, hi, how are things? By they way, I guess I’m bi now’...”
“You know, you don’t owe anyone that information.”
“But I don’t want it to be a secret either, and then well there was David. I was moping round at mum’s and he came in, and I was crying on her shoulder, and he was scoffing at me and she told him to make himself useful and make some tea. But he wouldn’t let it go and I kind of blurted it all out. That's when he told me to ‘pick a side’, and that I was obviously just gay or whatever. So, then I swore at him and mum asked me to mind my language which, I was fucking furious at.
“And to be fair she did apologise to me after, she just said it came out automatically. She said, that I was right, that he was being a fucking twat, and honestly, it’s like one of the only times I’ve ever heard her say that. It was kind of glorious but yeah... that was 3 weeks ago. It’s when she suggested I make an appointment and I googled for like queer specific therapists in the area and well, you’ll be surprised to hear it’s not a long list.”
“No, well, we don't exactly live in a big town.”
“And yeah, so here I am. Thirty years old and I suddenly feel like a bumbling adolescent, inexperienced and scared and unsure and all of those things that I took for granted about my future, suddenly don’t feel quite so certain anymore.”
“We’re getting toward the end of this session, but I’m interested in what you think has changed about your future. Now that you know this about yourself?”
“Well, I thought I’d have a wife and a family.”
“You still might or potentially a husband – but only if that’s what you want.”
“I just, it’s more complicated, isn’t it? Like, I’ve got friends, like my best friend is a lesbian and she’s been with her other half for years and, she talks about safe spaces, and things. Like suddenly if I’m in a relationship with a guy, that’s something I need to be aware of and... I mean I know obviously two men can have children, but it’s not as though that’s without complication, plus I had no idea how much surrogacy costs!”
“You certainly have been googling a lot. So, that’s important to you, children?”
“I think, well, yeah, it is.”
“Well, undoubtedly it’s not always simple but life doesn’t come with guarantees and not all couples with cis women and men have a straightforward path to parenthood either.”
“I know, I know, I just – I never even thought about it before and it’s just... it’s a lot.”
“It is but I think we should probably face one thing at a time. It’s good to think about your future on occasion, but we will try and find ways for you to focus on what’s happening now or on short term goals. Worrying about an imagined scenario that could never happen is probably not massively useful, even though it might be understandable. There is a lot to unpack and there’s much for us to talk through over the coming weeks Nick. I appreciate you sharing so openly with me – it's going to make this process so much easier. You’re doing really well, already, I promise.
“I think we’re near enough out of time. So, I’m going to give you some homework. I want you to give me 3 reasons that you’re thankful that you’ve discovered this about yourself. And they can’t all be Jonathan Baily, OK?”
“What about Timothée Chalamet?”
“Nick - I’m serious. Knowing yourself better, living your real authentic life – that's a good thing. I want you try and re-frame it as something to be grateful for, rather than worried about and we’ll talk about that at your next session.”
“OK, I can do that.”
They get up and walk toward the door, Nick felt a little wrung about but weirdly lighter than he had before he walked in.
Charlie reaches for the handle, and was about to open it and Nick felt himself speak before he really even knew he was going to, “Thank you for today, Charlie. That meant a lot.”
“We’re just getting started Nick. I really was just learning about your story at this point, there’s a lot of work to do.”
“Still, it felt good to talk and not constantly worry that I hadn’t asked about the other person in a while. I mean, not that, I would ask about you...like you seem lovely, I just... obviously, it’s not what I’m here for, I wasn’t em....”
“I’m here to listen and to give you that space to talk, without the normal reciprocation in a conversation, so that’s normal to feel like that.”
“You know, you’re not what I expected.”
“No?”
“I mean, you look about my age... I kind of thought you’d be older.”
Charlie lowers his voice to just above a whisper, “Well, I hate to break it to you Nick, but I have your age on the intake form and you keep mentioning the 30 thing, we are actually adults now, I mean – we get to have grown up jobs at this age!”
“You calling me an old man Charlie?”
“Never! But I mean – you're a teacher – that's fairly responsible, isn’t it?!”
“I guess. Maybe, I’m getting to that age where police men and doctors all look like school kids now, right?”
“I don’t think we’re quite there yet. Oh, I meant to ask, what do you teach?”
“French. My dad’s French actually - that’s where he went, when he left but that’s a whole other story.”
Charlie’s jaw clenched and he looked down, “Right, well, I em, I’ll see you next week Nick, we can discuss more about that then. Just check in with Peggy that your appointment is still in the system before you go. Em, yes, nice to meet you.”
Nick isn’t sure if he said something wrong but he feels like he’s outstaying his welcome suddenly, presumably he has another client soon. “Yeah, well thanks again Charlie. Nice to meet you.”
Unsure of the etiquette he held out his hand to shake. Charlie's eyes widened but he took it. Nick knew instantly it was a mistake. Charlie’s hand was soft and elegant, a little cool in his large, warm grasp. A strange fizzing started somewhere about his wrist. He did not want to let go. He let his hold linger with his eye contact until Charlie broke the connection, and opened the door.
“Bye then Nick,”
“Yeah, Bye Charlie.”