Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The vibe for the beginning of this chapter is "Middle of Love" by Picture This with Dean Lewis and "All For You" by Cian Ducrot.

Jimin finds Eunwoo so different from Jungkook. Calmer. He has more stillness. Grace. A quiet poise that was never part of Jungkook’s many charms. He is peaceful. And Jimin feels peaceful with him. 

Peaceful is a feeling that has always eluded Jimin. One he never knew he wanted. It is odd and unfamiliar but he welcomes it in a strange way. Eunwoo is sweet and gentle. Never wild, never loud. It takes Jimin some getting used to. But as unfamiliar as it is, he likes it. It’s nice.

Nice.

What an odd choice of word. But it fits.

It’s nice.

Jimin and Eunwoo are in bed in the guest room at Jimin’s parents house in Busan. They have been dating for a few weeks but are trying to take it slow. They are respectful enough to both be in pajamas, and although not exactly spooning, they are cuddled up close as they sleep. 

Suddenly Jimin’s arms begin to jerk a couple of times. And then his legs. His brow furrows but he stays asleep.

And then Jimin is saying something. His motions and noises stir Eunwoo out of his slumber. He can tell that Jimin is talking in his sleep. He hears him. And what he is saying is unmistakable.

And it is clear that whatever is going on behind those closed eyelids is not pleasant. This is not a sweet dream. It is pretty clear that Jimin is having some kind of nightmare. 

Eunwoo kisses him gently on the cheek, trying to rouse him enough to change the dream, to stop whatever is happening to make Jimin so restless, but not enough to completely wake him. It seems to settle Jimin and he is able to sleep peacefully the rest of the night and with Jimin settled, Eunwoo is able to fall back to sleep as well.

When the sun peeks through the curtains in the morning, Jimin wakes up confused. He remembers snippets of his dreams, but not enough to make sense of them. Then he feels strong but gentle arms around him pulling him closer, ever so slightly, almost reluctantly, almost asking permission.

“Good morning, handsome,” Jimin says with a sweet smile. “Did you sleep okay?”

“Yeah, this bed is really comfortable. And I do love sharing it with someone so beautiful.”

Jimin stretches with a smile. “I’m glad. I hope I didn’t snore, or move around too much. It’s been a while since I’ve shared a bed with someone on any kind of regular basis.”

Eunwoo isn’t sure what to say, but he feels like he has to say something.

“Uh - you didn’t snore, hyung. But - but you did -”

“Oh my god. What did I do? If you tell me I farted in my sleep or something I will die. I swear.”

Eunwoo lets out a slight giggle.

“No, nothing like that.”

“Then what?” Jimin asks.

“You - uh - you were talking in your sleep last night.”

“I was?”

“Yeah. And - uh - it seemed like you were talking to Jungkook. At least that’s what it sounded like”

Jimin is surprised, as well as a little embarrassed and a little concerned.

“Was I? Uh - what - uh - what did I say?” he offers cautiously.

“Yeah, it seemed like it. You - you  sounded worried.”

“Hmm. That makes sense. I worried about him a lot. For a long time. Took care of him, you know, as my dongsaeng and the maknae and all. And he looked after me too. We did that for a long time. He and I leaned on each other a lot for all those years. Even in the military. So - yeah. It makes sense I guess that I sounded worried.”

“I’m not sure if you were worried for him or worried for you.”

“Oh. Well, you know, dreams are funny, right?” Jimin is mortified and very concerned about what he might have said in his sleep, so he tries to change the subject. “Either way, I’m so sorry if I woke you up with my sleep talking. This is supposed to be a vacation for you, Mr. Famous Actor. You need your rest after all that filming you just wrapped up.” 

Euwnoo gives a sweet kiss to the top of Jimin’s  head. “Nah, it’s fine. I don’t mind. I just didn’t want you to have a restless sleep, so I tried to wake you a bit. You stopped fussing and fell back asleep, and I fell right back to sleep too.”

“Mmm. Thank you. That’s very thoughtful of you to try to wake me.” Jimin reaches up for a gentle kiss. “I’m glad I didn’t disturb you too much.” They exchange a few more sweet, somewhat chaste kisses until Eunwoo pulls back slightly.

“Hey, hyung? Can I ask you something? You can tell me no, it’s okay.”

“You can ask me anything, Eunie. It’s fine.”

“Um. What exactly went on between you too? Were you and Jungkook in a relationship? Were you two in love?”

The question takes Jimin by surprise, even though it probably shouldn’t. He has been asked some version of this question so many times. But immediately he notices how Eunwoo asked the question, which is different from the way he has been asked before. He is grateful that because of how Eunwoo phrased the question he doesn’t have to lie. Because Eunwoo never asked if they were physical, he asked if they were in love. Which is an easy question to answer.

Because they weren’t. 

Not Jungkook at least.

Jimin hesitates for a moment before answering and decides he needs to give an honest answer to the question. Not more than that, but he needs to answer the question that he was asked.

“No, we weren’t in love,” he begins with a sigh. “I was always attracted to him, and we were always the closest of friends. For the whole time, for 15 years. Everyone knew I had a crush on him at the beginning, but he never developed feelings for me. So I got over it and let go of it ever being anything romantic. He doesn’t feel that way about me. Never did. He doesn’t like guys. He’s completely straight.”

Eunwoo pulls him a little closer. “You're telling me how you think he feels, but how do you feel?”

“It was hard at the beginning because it was so clear that I was fond of him, everyone knew it, the whole world, I was so guileless and open about it back then. I had a huge crush on him. And I’m pretty sure I loved him. But it was so clear for all those years that he didn’t feel anything for me except friendship. So I just got over it. What choice did I have?”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely. He’s the best friend I have ever had, but that is all we are. Just friends. Whether I wanted him to feel more for me or not. You can’t make someone something they aren’t.”

“That must have been hard.”

“Yeah, sometimes it definitely was. But you can’t change someone. If they don’t feel that way, they don’t.”

Eunwoo kisses him again, more deeply this time. “I guess I’m glad JK is straight then. Where would I be if he had reciprocated your feelings? Certainly not waking up in bed next to you. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier that my best buddy isn’t into dudes.”

Jimin blushes and smirks at him. “Yeah, I bet you are.” They exchange a few lazy kisses.

“We should head downstairs, I don’t want your parents to get the wrong idea about me.”

“What idea would that be?” Jimin says with a raised eyebrow.

“That I’m only interested in one thing. And that I would be willing to try something under their roof. I’ve got more respect than that.”

“Lucky for them you were raised so well.”

“Not lucky for you? Only for them?” He says with a sly grin.

“The jury is still out on how lucky I might turn out to be.”

They laugh, share one more kiss, roll out of bed, and get ready for the day.

Jungkook feels an itch under his skin. With this realization of his feelings, he doesn’t know how to manage them. What to do with them.

But he knows one thing: he needs Jimin. He needs to see him and talk to him. He’s not sure yet what he is going to say, but he knows he needs to talk to him. Now that he understands his feelings, he needs to tell him.

He needs to see him, but he’s pretty sure that Jimin is not in Seoul.

Which means he needs to call him. Fuck though, he fucking hates the phone. 

Maybe he should text him. But what is he gonna say? “Hey hyung, after 15 years of fucking you I figured out that I love you.” Yeah right. That will go over well.

How the fuck is he going to find the words to say what he needs to say?

Jungkook feels like the itch is going to drive him crazy though. He has to call. He is pretty sure that Jimin is at home with his parents in Busan. But he is also pretty sure that he is not there alone.

He’s heard a rumor about who Jimin is dating. But he can’t believe it - won’t believe it until he hears it from Jimin himself.

As excruciating as he knows that would be.

Too bad. He has to risk it. He just needs to hear his voice.

So he calls.

And the call is awkward. And horrible. Abjectly horrible.

The call is something right out of Jungkook’s nightmares.

Jungkook can’t get the words out. He is completely paralyzed and unable to say what he needs to say. And somewhere in the middle of the call, he realizes how insane it is to say this - the most important thing he could ever say to the most important person in his life - over the phone. Suddenly somewhere early in that phone call he realizes that he can’t do it. He can’t say it. Not like this.

So he chokes out something, something intended to connect. Something to reach Jimin. To touch him.

But what he does say and Jimin’s response, it is so beyond awful that he never could have ever imagined it. 

Placeholder. 

That is the word Jimin used. What Jimin thought it was for him. For all those years. It feels like such a complete disconnect that Jungkook has no idea what to do or what to say. 

It feels like a total sucker punch.

So he just cries.

He just fucking cries and tries to hide it from Jimin.

Pathetic.

But not as pathetic as the whole scene. Here is Jungkook, a mess of tears and want and need on the phone, unable to express the love and longing he feels, talking to Jimin who sounds happy and light.

Happy. 

He sounds happy.

And that hurts more than anything else.

Jimin is at home in Busan. He’s there with his new guy. He sounds happy. And hopeful. Not sure yet about where it might go, but open to seeing, open to exploring a future with someone else.

Jimin even fucking giggles when he talks about him.

Jungkook usually loves Jimin’s giggles. But during that call each one felt like a stab to his heart. 

For the first time ever he was being hurt by Jimin’s joy.

And Jungkook can’t even pretend to hate the new guy. Because it is someone Jungkook knows. Someone he loves. 

Someone he really loves. One of his closest friends.

One of his two best and closest friends. Jungkook has two best friends - other than Jimin, of course: Mingyu and Eunwoo. They have been his best friends for years. He loves them both. He trusts them.

He loves Eunwoo. He’s a good guy. An actual good person. He could make Jimin happy. Hell, it sounds like he is already making Jimin happy by how Jimin sounded on the phone.

He hates that.

And he hates that he hates it.

He hates that Jimin deserves a nice guy like Eunwoo. He hates that there is absolutely zero argument that Jungkook could make against Jimin being with Eunwoo.

But he has to. 

He has to find an argument. Because Jimin belongs with him. Jungkook and Jimin belong together. He is sure of it. 

All those years of Jimin keeping his feelings for Jungkook at bay, keeping a lid on them, only thinking of what was best for Jungkook. Never ever imposing his feelings on Jungkook. Always respecting that Jungkook was straight.

Jungkook was so sure he was straight.

He never ever wavered from that. And neither did Jimin. And it’s clear from the phone call that Jimin is probably even more sure now than he was before. 

Jungkook could kick himself.

He wants to scream.

What a waste. What a colossal fucking idiot he has been.

My little Bun.

At least Jimin still called him that.

At least that’s not gone.

Jungkook is even more sure that he has to see him.

Especially after that shit show of a phone call, he has to see him. In person. He just needs time with him. Time to remind Jimin of who they are. Of what they have.

Had.

Of what they had.

Fuck. The more he thinks about it, the more awful it gets.

But still - he needs to see him. He needs to.

But it’s hard to get on Jimin’s calendar. He’s so busy with his brand ambassador work, and when he’s not busy with work he’s busy with Eunwoo. 

Oddly, Eunwoo reaches out first, before Jungkook does, and asks him to get together for dinner later in the week. He isn’t sure what that will be like, but Eunwoo seems eager to talk to him and Jungkook doesn’t want to be weird about their friendship just because he’s dating Jimin. 

It’s hard to imagine what Eunwoo would want but he knows that he has to try to be normal. 

As Jungkook reluctantly enters the restaurant, Eunwoo is already seated at their regular table. He gets up as Jungkook approaches to give him a bro hug. Jungkook leans into it more than he expected, unaware of how touch starved he is. He is grateful for the physical contact, especially with a man, even though hugging Eunwoo feels nothing like hugging Jimin.

As Jungkook gets settled in his seat, putting his car key and his phone aside on the table top, he gives Eunwoo a pained smile.

“Hey, thanks for the invitation to meet up, Nu. It’s been a while.”

“Yeah, too long. Thanks for agreeing to meet me.”

“Agreeing? Isn’t that a little formal? We do this all the time. Too bad Mingyu is traveling.”

“Uh yeah. Too bad.”

There is an awkward silence as they look at the menu, even though they have it all but memorized from the number of times they have been to this restaurant over the years.

Before they can even order, Eunwoo puts his menu down. He looks at Jungkook like he is trying to decipher a code, trying to size up how he is doing. Jimin had ended his phone call with Jungkook so confused that when Eunwoo told him he was meeting Jungkook for dinner, Jimin had insisted that Eunwoo report back as to how Jungkook was doing. And Eunwoo had agreed to do that for him.

But that wasn’t the reason Eunwoo wanted to meet up with Jungkook. While Jimin had assured him that the two of them had never been in love, Eunwoo needed to hear it from Jungkook’s own mouth. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe Jimin, but somehow he needed to hear both sides of the story, especially given how close he and Jungkook were as two of the notoriously close 97 Liners.

As soon as the waitress came to take their orders, Eunwoo asked her to give them a minute, that they hadn’t decided and they would let her know when they had. That was fine with Jungkook. He looked at the menu but nothing looked appealing. He had no appetite at all.

Eunwoo put a gentle hand on top of Jungkook’s tattooed one.

“So, I had a very specific reason for inviting you to dinner, JK.”

Jungkook’s stomach filled with dread.

“Y-yeah? Is that so?” he tried to answer nonchalantly, trying to keep his eyes on the menu.

“Yeah. I have something I should tell you. Even though I am pretty sure you already know. But I need to tell you myself. As your friend.”

“So you and Jimin-hyung.” Somehow it was easier for Jungkook to blurt it out himself rather than waiting for Eunwoo to say the words he dreaded hearing.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah. I heard.” All Jungkook can hear is ringing in his ears. “And then he kind of told me when I called him the other day.”

“Yeah. He told me you had called.”

There is another unusually awkward silence. 

“Jungkook, Jungkook - he’s - he’s fucking amazing.”

It’s like his ears are screaming. 

“Yeah. Yeah. He sure is.” Jungkook tries to distract himself by picking up the menu, but that feels wrong so he puts it back down.

Eunwoo for some reason is put at ease by Jungkook’s response. “I don’t think I was ever more grateful to be bi than I was the night I saw him in Paris,” he says with a bright dreamy smile as he recalls the night he and Jimin rediscovered each other.

Jungkook chuckles humorlessly. “Yeah. Jimin’s not though.”

Eunwoo blushes slightly. “Yeah. I know. Thank god.”

“Thank god?”

“Yeah, it’s hard enough thinking all the men in the world are my competition. Imagine if I had to worry about the women too. I’d be literally fighting off the whole world.”

Jungkook feels surprised by that comment. It makes him wonder why he never felt that way when he was with Jimin. With very few exceptions, he didn’t really see many people as competition for Jimin. Not in any real way. Taemin for sure, and that guy in their unit in the army, but not many other people. And it never even dawned on him to think what it would have been like if Jimin had been into women too. The thought literally had never crossed his mind.

But it’s sweet in a weird way that Eunwoo feels like he would have to compete for Jimin. A man who basically the whole country agreed was the most handsome man in Korea. But it’s also weird how willing it seems he would be to do it. That Jimin is someone worth competing for.

Eunwoo speaks and shakes him out of his inner monologue.

“Um - We’re good friends, right Kook? You and me?”

“Yeah, of course. You’re one of my very best friends. You know that.”

“So, can I be honest with you then?” Suddenly Eunwoo feels nervous.

“I guess . . . honest about what though? Wait - no. Of course you can be honest. About anything.”

Eunwoo knows he just needs to spit it out. “Well, to be honest, I always wondered if something was up with you and Jimin. How you acted on stage and on camera. All flirty and stuff. Holding hands all the time, touching each other . . .”

“Oh, yeah. That.”

“But I know you’re straight. And I gotta say, I’ve never been happier that you’re straight, dude. Because for a while there I was sure you two were a thing, but he tells me you weren’t ever interested, that he was interested but you weren’t, since you’re straight and all. That you guys are just good friends.”

“That’s what he said?”

“Yeah. Was I not supposed to ask? I mean, we’re dating, I thought it was cool to ask.”

“Well, if that’s what he says, why question it? Don’t you believe him?”

“I want to. I definitely want to believe him. But -”

“But what?”

Eunwoo lets out a deep sigh. “Jungkook, he talks in his sleep sometimes.”

“He does?”

“Yeah, he does. And when he does, when he does, Jungkook, he’s talking to you. When he talks in his sleep, he is talking to you.”

Jungkook’s stomach drops.

And his chest fills with hope.

“W-what does he say?”

“I can’t tell. It’s happened a few times now. It usually just sounds like he’s looking for you. Like he can’t find you.”

“Oh god . . .”

“And he sounds scared. And sad I guess. I hate seeing him like that. And he’s not even aware he’s doing it.”

Jungkook gulps. “What do you do when he sounds like that?”

“I dunno. I’m not sure what to do. He looks upset, and it doesn’t look restful, so usually I try to wake him up. To stop whatever kind of bad dream he’s having.”

Jungkook doesn’t like that. He understands why Eunwoo would think to do that, but he knows Jimin well enough to know that is not the right thing to do.

“Uh huh. Y-yeah,” Jungkook can’t believe the words that leave his mouth. He is sickened by the visual image of them sharing a bed, of Eunwoo sleeping next to Jimin, of being the one who sees and hears him as he sleeps, but he can’t even focus on that. It’s like he is acting on instinct just hearing about Jimin not being okay. “J-just - when he gets like that - just - just hold him. Just hold him a little tighter. Just whisper to him that he’s safe. That it’s okay.” A tear starts to form as Jungkook speaks, feeling like his heart is breaking. “And - just - just tell him that I’m right there. That I am always there for him. Tell him Jungkookie will always keep him safe. I will protect him, like I always promised I would. Can you do that?”

“Tell him you’re there? When you’re not there?”

“Just - just tell him he’s okay, that he’s safe, that I - that Jungkookie will protect him - like - like always. Can you do that? Just tell him that. It will help - I promise. Can you do that? Just - just that?”

“Uh - I can try . . .”

“Because he needs his rest. He’s not a good sleeper, he doesn’t sleep nearly enough. But he’ll get sick if he doesn’t sleep. Don’t wake him up. Just - just tell him he’s okay. That he’s safe. Okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Okay thanks.” Jungkook feels oddly relieved.

“Uh, Kook?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you sure there was nothing between you guys?”

Jungkook pauses, unsure of what to say. Of how honest to be.

“I love him, Eunwoo.”

“Yeah. He loves you too. He says you’re the best friend he has ever had.”

Jungkook’s stomach drops.

“Y-yeah. Friends. That’s right. Great friends.”

Jungkook feels like he is holding himself together by a thread. He can’t stand this conversation any longer. It is excruciating.

“Um - I’m sorry - I gotta go. I’m - I’m really sorry. I - suddenly I don’t feel so well.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll - I’ll be fine.” Jungkook mumbles as he rises from his seat and gathers his phone and keys.

But Eunwoo isn’t buying it.

“Jungkook, what is going on? You never turn down a meal. Are you sure you’re -”

“Please - just - just take care of him, okay? He’s important.”

“Yeah I know.”

“And he’s special.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“And you’re really really lucky to be the one he chose.”

“Yeah. I know that too. I do. Really. But Jungkook - please. If there is something I need to know, Jungkook -”

Jungkook cuts him off by starting to leave.

“Uh yeah, so - uh thanks. Okay, yeah. I’ll see you around.” Jungkook says quickly as he starts to step away from the table.

But before he can go, Eunwoo puts a gentle hand on his forearm to stop him from leaving so quickly.

“Hey, buddy - talk to me. What’s going on?”

“I c-can’t. I can’t.”

“Jungkook, I like him a lot, I think he likes me too, and I think we have potential to be something, but I don’t want to - I dunno - step on toes or anything -”

Tears start to form in Jungkook’s eyes and they are getting harder to hide.

“I - I can’t ask you to do that. I can’t ask you to consider me. It’s not fair to him.”

“To consider what, buddy? What are you saying?”

Jungkook is about to lose it. He is doing his best to hold back his tears.

“I h-have - I have no right - he’s happy - he’s happy with you - finally happy - I c-can’t. I have no right to - to -”

And with that Jungkook pulls his arm away from Euwnoo and bolts out of the restaurant, barely holding back his tears until he gets to the sidewalk. He nearly runs to his car. He unlocks the door to his Mercedes and slips quickly in before he loses it behind the tinted windows. He hides his head in his hands and sobs, finally able to not have to hold anything back.

The vibe for this part is "I’ll Be Waiting" by Cian Ducrot

When Eunwoo calls Jimin later that night, he tells him how something definitely seems up with Jungkook, that he did not seem like himself. In that moment Jimin realizes he needs to see him, to check in and make sure Jungkook is okay. Maybe the transition to their new life is rougher than Jimin thought it would be for him. Maybe the thing Jimin is sure he needed - a girlfriend - is proving harder to find than he thought it would be.

And Jimin is feeling stronger now. With Eunwoo in his life, he feels more able to face Jungkook, to resist muddying the waters with a stray touch, to stay focused on giving Jungkook the space to have the life he wants and deserves. Jimin feels able to stay in his lane and allow them both to move forward with real relationships, rather than falling back into the convenience of their friends with benefits arrangement. 

Jimin cautiously reaches out and is surprised at Jungkook’s eagerness, willing to move or cancel commitments to make any day or time work for them to get together. They plan to meet up at Jungkook’s house to have an evening like old times, ordering some takeout and having time to catch up with each other.

As Jungkook putters around his house nervously waiting for Jimin to arrive, he feels deeply conflicted. He can’t decide if he should just keep his mouth shut and allow Jimin to be happy with Eunwoo or if he should be honest and confess. The latter idea seems so absurd, so profoundly selfish, that he can barely imagine doing it. And yet it is no easier to imagine holding these feelings back and keeping them from Jimin. 

So he resolves to try to have a normal evening. Maybe if Jimin remembers all the reasons he has to miss Jungkook, to miss their time together, it will make it easier for Jungkook to decide what to do and what to say.

Jungkook startles when he hears the buzzer for the security gate, and he almost loses it just hearing Jimin’s voice saying through the intercom, “It’s me, Jimin. I wasn’t sure if the code was the same.” Jungkook feels his stomach fill with butterflies when he replies “It’s the same, but I will buzz you in.”

Jimin parks his Porsche inside the gates of Jungkook’s compound, and strides toward the house as Jungkook watches him from the front door. Jimin looks as beautiful as ever, maybe more so. He pulls Jungkook’s gaze in like a magnet, while Jimin throws him a wide smile, completely oblivious to Jungkook’s plight.

Jimin greets him with a quick hug. He pats his back like a bro with one hand and tousles the back of Jungkook’s hair with the other. Jungkook wants to melt into every point of contact. But he wills himself to be strong, to not make this awkward or weird. That if he does that he could drive Jimin away, the one thing he wants least in the world.

Jimin toes off his shoes and they make themselves comfortable in the living room. Jimin is grateful that Jungkook does not suggest they hang out in the basement man cave. The memory of their first minutes after enlistment are hard to forget in that room, no matter how many times Jimin has been in there since then. Any time he sees that big leather couch, all he thinks of is being fucked into its cushions by a ravenous post-military Jungkook.

But they settle in the bright and airy living room. As they open their phones and choose the take out, things begin to feel more normal, more familiar and less awkward. They place the order and Jungkook goes to the kitchen refrigerator to get them some bottles of soju.

They kick back and drink a few cups, both trying hard to keep things light. They catch up by talking about their current projects and the other members for a while. After a few more cups of soju, the take out arrives. They eat cross legged on the floor across from each other, using the low coffee table to eat on. As they eat and drink, the mood gets lighter. Jimin can tell Jungkook has had a few more drinks than him, as he is getting more bold in the questions he asks. 

Jimin tries to avoid the obvious topic until Jungkook asks specifically about Euwnoo. Jimin would rather ask Jungkook about what is happening with his dating, but somehow he never gets the opening. Instead, Jimin finds himself talking about Eunwoo and that night in Paris. Jungkook asks for more and more details, but when Jimin gives them, he sees Jungkook downing cup after cup of soju. 

Jungkook is aware that he wants to know everything. As if somehow that will make it hurt less. As if the more detail he has the less he has to fill in with his own fears. It feels like picking at a scab, it hurts but he can’t help himself.

Like a compulsion. He needs to ask. Needs to know everything.

With his tongue loosened by the alcohol, Jungkook feels brave. So he asks the question he has been dying to ask.

“How’s the sex, hyung?”

Jimin is so shocked he almost chokes on his food. 

“‘Scuse me?”

Suddenly Jungkook feels like maybe he shouldn’t have asked. And yet, he still really really wants to know.

“Am I not allowed to ask? Like - as a friend? Or a bro? How the is sex with your new boyfriend?”

“He’s not my boyfriend, Kook-ah.” Jimin says defensively.

“No? Not your boyfriend yet, you mean.” Oooh boy, Jungkook is drunk and they can both tell. “But still - how is it? Is he any good? I mean, he’s so tall, that must be weird . . .”

Jimin pauses, wondering how much he wants to say. And yet, he is always honest with Jungkook and can’t imagine changing that now. 

“We haven’t done that yet.”

Jungkook is genuinely surprised to hear that. 

“No? You’ve been seeing him for a while.”

“Just a few weeks.”

“More than that.”

“We’re taking it slow.”

“You took him home to Busan. He’s met your parents.”

“We wanted a short getaway when he wrapped filming and my parents were complaining that they hadn’t seen me in a while. That’s why we went to Busan. It wasn’t some formal introduction or anything.”

“Hmm.” Jungkook grunts in his drunken state. 

“What - do you think I’m lying? We haven’t had sex yet. We are taking our time.”

“Ah. That’s smart I guess.” It should make him happy, but something about it doesn’t sit right with Jungkook. Before he can ask the question he wants to ask to satisfy his curiosity, Jimin continues talking, possibly because he senses Jungkook’s confusion.

“I don’t want it to be just a hook up, and I don’t think he wants that either. It feels like it has potential, Kook. Like it could maybe be something. So we want to figure that out first - get to know each other, be sure we want the same things - before we get too intimate physically.”

Jungkook’s heart drops at hearing that. He shouldn’t take that as a dig, but he does. Because that’s not how it was with him and Jimin. It’s the complete opposite of what happened with them. And the fact that Jimin is intentionally doing it differently with Eunwoo hurts a little.

In response to Jungkook’s silence, Jimin continues.

“But we’re talking about it. Ya’ know, before anything happens.”

“Oh. That makes sense.” So, Jungkook thinks, they are planning it. It’s going to happen soon.

“And we’re both vers, so that will be nice. You know, different. A nice change.”

And suddenly Jungkook feels very very bad. Again, he shouldn’t take the comment as a criticism, he doesn’t have to and he knows it was not intended that way. But it’s still how it lands. And Jungkook is not sure what to say without sounding hurt or defensive. 

“Oh. I didn’t realize that was something you had wanted. That we didn’t - you didn’t get to - well, except that once . . .”

Jimin looks at him sweetly, feeling the need to comfort him for some reason. 

“It’s okay, Kook-ah. I knew what the ground rules were with us.”

And suddenly it just got even worse.

“Ground rules? Is that how you thought about it?”

Jimin is puzzled, because, yeah, that was exactly how he thought about it. 

“Didn’t you? Was I reading that wrong?”

Jungkook lets out a heavy sigh. “No, I guess you weren’t. Not really. I just - I just never realized you would want that.”

“Well, I couldn’t want that from you! What straight guy wants to get fucked?”

The room is filled with a profoundly awkward pause. Jimin worries that his language was too coarse and Jungkook can tell he’s drunk but he is sobering up too fast for his liking. The mood is so heavy all of a sudden and he hates it. 

And yet he cannot stop himself from running his mouth.

“Does he know about us? I saw him, and it seemed pretty clear that he didn’t know about us.”

“He asked if we were in a relationship. If we were in love. I told him the truth, that I loved you and you didn’t see me as anything but a hyung, so I got over it. He never asked what we did together physically, thank god, because I don’t want to have to lie.”

“Why would you have to lie? You wouldn’t tell him about us?”

Jimin looks at him like he has six heads.

“What? No, of course I wouldn’t tell him about us.”

Jungkook scoffs, he is surprised. He wonders if maybe he shouldn’t be.

“Why not? Why wouldn’t you tell him about it, Jimin-ah? Are you ashamed of me? Ashamed of what we did?”

Jimin is starting to get angry and they can both feel it. It’s awful.

“What??? Why on earth would I be ashamed?”

“Ashamed of hooking up with your dongsaeng? It’s such a cliche.” He says with a scoff.

“Jungkook, what are you even talking about? Eunwoo is your age. Why would I be ashamed of that?”

“Then why wouldn’t you tell him?”

Jimin cannot believe he has to connect the dots for Jungkook. That he is so thick as to need it explained, when it is so obvious to Jimin.

“Because he’s your friend, Jungkook. I am protecting your privacy. It’s not my story to tell. You need to decide if you want someone in your life to know. If you want someone you are close with to know, you have to tell them, not me. Everyone knows about my sexuality. But they don’t know yours. Well - it’s not really that, is it? Your sexuality. More like they don’t know your past activities. It would be a huge deal for me to reveal what we did. People will assume . . . well, you know. They would assume things about you if they knew what we did. They would assume things. Things that aren’t true.”

Jungkook thinks about it through his soju haze. He knows it makes sense, that Jimin is protecting him as always, putting Jungkook first, as always, even over being honest with a new partner.

And yet it still irks him. It bothers him for some reason that Jimin wouldn’t tell his partners about his relationship history. Unless he doesn’t consider Jungkook part of his relationship history. And that hurts even more.

“But isn’t he gonna want to know?”

“Why would he want to know? Know about you specifically? If our friendship ever became sexual?”

“No, not that. I don’t think. But isn’t he gonna want to know your dating history? Your body count?”

“I guess. I’m not sure if my body count is any of his business. But yeah, if we get serious he’s gonna want to know my dating history I guess. But - you know - it’s not - it’s not like -”

“Don’t say it.”

“Jungkook . . .”

“Don’t you dare say it, hyung.”

“Jungkook, it was different. You know it was. That was what we agreed -”

“Was it? Was it so different that it doesn’t even count?”

“Jungkook what are you saying? You know what it was. And what it wasn’t . . . We talked about it over and over! We talked about it constantly -”

Tears start to form in Jungkook’s eyes and he is powerless to stop them.

Jimin is completely taken aback. 

“Jungkook - what - what is going on? Kook, are you crying? What is going on?”

Jungkook sniffs. He is trying to stop himself from full on sobbing but he’s not sure he will be able to. But he is certain of one thing. This is not the way, not the time, not the mood, that he wants to confess his feelings for Jimin.

“I don’t know. I don’t know, hyung.”

Jimin reaches out and wipes his tears away with a gentle touch to his face. Which only makes Jungkook cry harder. The gentle touch feels so good, like everything Jungkook has been longing for. It gets worse when Jimin looks sweetly into Jungkook’s eyes.

“Kook, what is happening? What - can you tell hyung what is going on?”

“C-can’t -”

Jimin pulls him into his arms, holding him tight. Jungkook buries his face in Jimin’s neck and melts into the embrace. And then the dam breaks. Jungkook is sobbing. Jimin is confused and concerned but he keeps holding him, rubbing and patting his back.

“Kook-ah, it’s okay. You’re gonna find someone - I promise. You don’t need to be upset. I bet you just feel lonely, right?”

“N-no . . . that’s not it - I c-can’t - I can’t -”

“Shhhh. It’s okay. It’s okay, bun. Just let it out. Let all those tears out. You don’t need to say anything. Just let it out. I don’t need you to explain. Just let it out. You can tell me later. Okay? Change is hard, Kook-ah. I know that’s probably what this is, huh? But you don’t need to talk right now. I got you. I got you baby.”

Jungkook is sobbing and shaking in his arms but he nods. He is holding onto Jimin like he will float away if he doesn’t. Like if he were to let go he would never hold Jimin again. 

He is holding on for dear life.

Jimin doesn’t understand and he means it when he says he doesn’t need to. All he knows - all he needs to know - is that something is terribly wrong with Jungkook, and that it started pretty soon after the group disbanded. He will figure out the rest later. For Jungkook he always has time.

“Kook-ah, it’s late. Let’s get you to bed, okay?”

Jungkook sniffs and nods. “I would like that.”

“Yeah, let’s get you to bed. Do you want to wash up?”

Jungkook shakes his head vigorously. He does not want to do anything that takes him out of physical contact with Jimin, and yet he cannot say the words to express that.

“Okay. Okay bun, we can get you right to bed.”

Jimin moves him to the bed, almost carrying him as Jungkook keeps his tight grip on Jimin. He is maneuvered into bed in the sweats he was wearing around the house. He can’t even think about changing, he just wants to be in bed next to Jimin. More than anything in the world.

“Stay, hyung?” he says with a trembling voice. “Stay with me? Will you?”

“Hyung will stay until you fall asleep, okay?”

“N-no -” More tears flow out of his eyes at the realization that when he wakes up Jimin will be gone.

“Kook-ah, you need to rest. It looks like you haven’t slept in days. I’ll get you to sleep and then I’ll go. Okay?”

A new swell of tears erupts.

“Hey, hey. It’s okay, bun. It’s okay.” he says, trying to be comforting.

Jungkook cries silently as Jimin runs his hands through his hair, scratching his scalp, rubbing his back soothingly, patiently. It takes some time, but he keeps soothing him, quieting him, until he finally hears Jungkook start snoring.

He looks like a little kid to Jimin and for the life of him, Jimin can’t figure out what happened to make Jungkook so upset. Maybe a failed romance? Something that ended before it started? The stress of choosing a new project? Jungkook’s general disinclination for change? 

He doesn’t know.

And he doesn’t need to. There will be time for Jungkook to tell him if he chooses to.

After a few minutes listening to Jungkook’s familiar, steady snoring, Jimin gets ready to sneak out, so as not to wake him. As he gets ready to leave, Jimin stands up from the edge of the bed where he has been sitting. He leans down and kisses Jungkook’s cheek ever so lightly. He whispers “I love you, bun,” and leaves the room, quietly closing the door behind him.

As Jungkook hears the door click, without even opening his eyes he whispers “I love you too Jimin-hyung. So much more than you know.”

Jungkook is like a zombie for the next few days. He can’t believe how off the rails his evening with Jimin went. He has to figure this out, and yet he has no idea how to do that. He is overcome with his feelings for Jimin, but also with the guilt he feels about his feelings, wanting to confess but not wanting to burden Jimin with his feelings when he is so close to finding his happily ever after with Eunwoo. 

Jimin texted him the next morning to check on him, and has texted a couple times a day to check on him since then.

All of Jimin’s texts get the same reply.

Thanks hyung

I’m fine 

But he’s not fine. He feels lost and selfish and overwhelmed and completely nonfunctional. He is barely getting out of bed. He hasn’t left the house in days, has barely showered, has eaten badly when he remembers to eat at all.

He is far from fine.

He wakes up to another day come and gone. 

He just woke up, stumbles around his house. Wishes he was still asleep. He has no idea what time it is. He glances at the clock. Two in the afternoon. He has no appetite, no desire to do anything at all. 

He plops down on his huge sofa in the living room. It is too bright with huge windows letting the sunshine in. He hates it. But he can’t even enter his man cave. Because he takes one look at that damn leather sofa and remembers their day of discharge. How he took Jimin the way he needed to. Desperately. Selfishly. He is ashamed of having acted that way, having treated Jimin that way, with no regard for what Jimin wanted or needed in that moment. How Jimin acquiesced as usual. He hates himself when he thinks about it. Jimin deserves better than that. So he avoids the room altogether. He hasn’t been down there in weeks. 

In the bright light of the afternoon, he cuddles under his blankets on the sofa and turns on the massive television. He starts mindlessly channel surfing, trying to find something to watch, something to numb him. Some kind of distraction from the pain. From the loneliness. From the longing he feels and the love he can’t figure out how to express.

Then he sees it.

The premier.

It’s the coverage of the red carpet from last night’s big movie premier on some entertainment show that calls itself news.

The reporters are all abuzz on the red carpet for a new movie. Another likely smash hit starring Cha Eunwoo. 

He tries to be happy for his friend. He has worked so hard to be where he is. Worked on his craft as an actor, worked his way up and out from being an idol, through the tragic loss of his best friend and bandmate, through television dramas on the small screen all the way to feature films on the big screen.

Eunwoo’s co-star steps out of her limo, her husband, also an actor, close behind. She is in a stunning black dress as they walk the red carpet and are interviewed by the hosts. They smile for the photographers and move along down the red carpet and into the theater to the cheers of the fans in the crowd.

Suddenly the crowd erupts into screams. It must be someone important coming next. The black stretch limo pulls to a stop and the door opens. Out steps Eunwoo, looking spectacular in Dior head to toe. His tall thin frame unfolds as he steps out of the car. A perfectly fitted tuxedo with a slate blue silk shirt underneath, the coat cut long and falling mid-thigh as he steps out and onto the red carpet. Before moving away from the the limo, he turns 180 degrees, reaches back into the car, and offers his hand to someone still inside it.

A small hand, decked in various rings, grasps onto his, holding on for stability. A foot peeks out from the car door as someone emerges. Someone smaller, blonde head down, hesitating before showing their face, but the blonde hair tips everyone off. As he slides across the seat toward the open car door, his charcoal grey Dior slacks and black chelsea boots are seen first. And when he looks up and his eyes meet the cameras and the fans, the roar of the fans is deafening and the camera flashes are blinding. The crowd explodes into cheers and gasps and screams as Eunwoo takes Jimin’s hand and helps him out of the car.

Jimin looks incredible. His charcoal grey Dior suit is perfectly cut, the jacket revealing his collarbones as he wears it without a shirt underneath, a glittering diamond brooch on the lapel, earrings dangling along his jawline, his hair freshly dyed and styled impeccably. Eunwoo helps him out of the car and once Jimin straightens up and moves onto the red carpet, Eunwoo’s fingertips are at the small of his back as he gently guides him through the flashing camera lights toward the theater.

The photographers are going insane.

Hey! Eunwoo! Omigod - Jimin! Over here! Look to your left!

Jimin! What are you doing here?

Give us a smile gentlemen!

Hey - are you two a couple?

Boys! Over here!

The attention is overwhelming for both of them, even after years as idols. The reaction is more explosive than any airport walk or award show, and they both know why. Their showing up together is front page news and every reporter wants the story, every photographer wants the money shot. Jimin tries to stay close to Eunwoo, counting on his more recent experience in this type of setting. Soon they are flanked by their security detail and they move up the red carpet toward the interviewers.

“Eunwoo - you look amazing. And Jimin, we didn’t expect to see you here tonight!”

“Well, tonight is Eunwoo’s night. He worked so hard on this film. I can’t wait to watch it.”

Eunwoo blushes and beams, his eyes filled with stars directed right at Jimin. He is delighted at Jimin’s expertise in handling the interviewers, at his grace and generosity, not even considering pulling focus to himself in any way.

“Who are you two wearing?”

“Both suits are Dior, from the upcoming Winter collection.” Eunwoo answers.

“Of course, of course. You both have been Dior ambassadors for years,” the interviewer responds. But before they can answer -

“Can I ask? Are you two -”

“Just old friends,” Jimin answers quickly, with a disarming smile, as Eunwoo wraps his hand around Jimin’s waist affectionately.

“Yes, I’m sure . . .” the interviewer says with a roll of her eyes. “Well, enjoy the film. Eunwoo we are looking forward to seeing your performance.”

“Thank you. I hope you will like it.”

They slip away, Eunwoo’s arm low around Jimin’s waist as they move into the theater.

Jungkook watches the footage from his sofa. Empty bottles and glasses and containers of takeout all around him. Hair disheveled in rumbled sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. His mouth gapes open. It’s like he is in shock. He can’t believe his eyes.

Jimin looking like a prince on Eunwoo’s arm. In public. Eunwoo looking like the star he is. And Jimin smiling, beaming at him for all to see. 

Supporting him. 

Like a partner.

Just old friends.

There is not a soul in that crowd who believed that.

Not with how Eunwoo looked at him. Like Jimin had hung the stars. Not with how he held his hand getting out of the car. 

Jungkook wants to vomit. Wants to unsee what he just saw.

So he does what anyone would.

He rewinds it. And watches it again.

And again. 

And again.

He watches it in slow motion.

And then double speed.

And then normal speed.

Rewind. Repeat.

Rewind. Repeat.

Jungkook can see the look in Eunwoo’s eyes. It is unmistakable. He knows him so well, for so long, and he knows he’s never seen his friend’s expression quite like that before. 

He is falling for Jimin. He is falling hard.

Jimin doesn’t look the same. He looks just sweet and happy and supportive, but he does not wear the same facial expression that Eunwoo does.

Not yet. 

But it probably won’t be long.

We’re taking it slow

I don’t want it to be just a hook up

It could maybe be something

We want to get to know each other, be sure we want the same things, before we get too intimate physically

It’s coming. Jungkook knows it is.

Jungkook sinks his hands into his own hair and pulls as he starts to panic. His heart is racing and he can’t catch his breath. He wants to cry but he can’t even do that.

Jungkook realizes that it’s just a matter of time, he has to act or he is going to miss the chance. 

Because once Jimin lets himself fall for Eunwoo it will be too late.

And seeing Eunwoo’s hand on Jimin’s waist is cutting him to the core. 

It’s supposed to be him. That gentle touch of fingertips is supposed to be him. 

That spot at the small of Jimin’s back, that is his spot, where his fingertips belong. No one else’s. 

And even the questions, the “are you two a couple?” Those are supposed to be for him. Not for Eunwoo. For him. He is the one who is supposed to finally claim Jimin, the man all women and men want. That’s Jungkook’s right, not Eunwoo’s. 

He feels his heart aching as he watches the scene unfold on the screen.

Over and over again.

Over and over.

And over.

And then he reaches for his phone.

He doesn’t even think about it. He just acts on instinct.

He has to do it.

He feels around the sofa cushions until he finds his phone.

He opens it and without letting himself think too much, he types a text and hits send.

Jungkookie: 

I need to see you hyung

The reply comes almost immediately.

Jiminie-Hyung:

Are you okay?

Jungkookie: 

No

Need to see you

Urgent

Can you come here?

Jiminie-Hyung:

Absolutely

Be there in an hour

Okay?

Jungkookie:

Yes

Please

Please hurry

An hour.

He has an hour to figure this out.

He should shower. Clean up a little.

But he can’t.

He stumbles to the bathroom to brush his teeth, but that is all he can manage before he is back at the couch. 

Just praying.

Praying it’s not too late. Praying they didn’t have a magical night last night that ended with them in bed together, finally getting intimate after weeks of waiting. 

Praying that he isn’t seeing what he is seeing in that footage.

Jungkook plays the red carpet footage over and over again. Staring at it, rocking back and forth. Pulling on his hair. 

Repeat. Repeat. 

Staring at every nuance, every placement of Eunwoo’s hands, of his fingertips. Every minute facial expression on Jimin’s face. On Eunwoo’s face. 

Repeat. Repeat.

An hour later Jimin enters the code into the security gate and drives into the compound. His heart is racing with worry. For the last hour he has been trying to figure out what the emergency could be, but he comes up with nothing.

He runs from his car to the front door and knocks rather than letting himself in. Even though he knows the door code, it seems wrong somehow to just let himself in like he lives there. 

The knock breaks Jungkook out of his trance of staring at the movie premier footage. He clicks off the TV, rises from the couch and stumbles to the door, barefoot, disheveled, hair a mess, face streaked with tears, dark circles under his eyes.

When Jungkook opens the door and sees him, he feels like this must be a dream. Jimin is bare faced and yet still so beautiful. Jungkook isn’t sure this is even real.

“Why didn’t you let yourself in? You knocked - like a guest.”

Jimin looks at him incredulously. “I am a guest, Kook. This is your house. I don’t live here. Not anymore.”

All Jungkook cocks his head in disbelief. As fresh tears begin to flow, he covers his face in embarrassment and tries to turn away from Jimin and the open door. But Jimin stops him. He takes him by the wrists, and moves his hands away from his face.

“Hey - hey, bun. What’s - what is going on?”

Jungkook pulls away and heads back into the house. “Please. Come in. Please,” he says barely above a whisper.

He heads right back to the couch. The room is a mess. At least he had the foresight to turn off the television and the premier footage before he answered the door.

Jungkook tries to bury himself in the couch and the blankets, trying to steal a few moments to figure out what to say. How to explain why he called Jimin here so urgently while he is in such a state.

Jimin sits on the couch next to Jungkook, pulling him by the shoulder closer to him until their knees are touching and Jimin can see Jungkook’s expression clearly. Something is obviously very wrong and Jimin is extremely worried. He reaches out cautiously to dry Jungkook’s tears and stroke his cheek with gentle fingertips. Jungkook closes his eyes and leans into the touch. The touch he has been yearning for.

“Hey. Angel. Bunny. What’s wrong? You look terrible. Have you eaten? Showered? What happened?”

Jungkook can’t find the words. He can’t find any words at all. He is just wide eyed and lost and still crying. So Jimin does the talking for him as best he can.

“Bunny, what is wrong? Did something happen? Did someone hurt you?”

The unexpected question makes Jungkook’s tears flow harder.

“Hmm? Is that it? Did someone? Tell hyung.”

Jungkook musters up enough courage to speak. In a tiny whisper he answers “Yes.”

Jimin sees red. He is immediately angry. He is beyond angry. He is livid. Going from concerned to furious in seconds.

“Who.” he growls. “Who fucking hurt you. I will end them. I fucking swear.”

Tears stream down Jungkook’s cheeks. All he can do is shake his head.

“Was it some girl? Some idiot woman? If she is an idol I will - I swear to god - she will be sorry she ever -”

“It’s not a girl, hyung.” Jungkook replies softly.

“Then who? One of your friends? It better not be one of the members . . .”

“It’s not. It’s none of those.”

“Who then? Who hurt you?”

Jungkook pauses and squeezes his eyes shut tight as he gathers his thoughts. How on earth can he answer that question?

“It’s me, hyung. Me. I hurt me.” He forces the words out right before he collapses into deep, guttural sobs.

“Wha-? That doesn’t make any -”

“And you. And - w-we. We hurt me, hyung . . .”

Jimin is completely confused. 

“Wha- what are you talking about Kook-ah? You’re not making any sense, bun.” Jimin says with another gentle touch to his cheek, checking for a fever or anything to explain this bizarre behavior.

And the pet name does nothing to stop Jungkook’s tears. 

“I don’t know. I’m so lost, I’m so so lost, hyung.”

“Oh angel . . . What do you need?”

“I dunno - I - I need you. I need you, hyung.”

Jimin smiles sweetly through his worry. “Aw, I know, I need you too.”

“N-no. I j-just - god I miss you so much hyung. Like nothing is right. Like this - this feeling - this - I dunno . . .”

“Kook-ah I am right here. You don’t need to miss me when I am right here with you.”

“No. You don’t understand. I love you. I love you, hyung. So much. So much.”

“I love you too, Kook. You know that.”

Jungkook scowls and shakes his head vigorously. “I just - I just -”

Jimin tries to hold him still to look in his eyes, but Jungkook can’t handle that. “Kook. Kook, what is this about?”

“It hurts, hyung. It hurts so much.” And as soon as Jungkook sees the recognition in Jimin’s eyes, the way they soften and relax, he immediately realizes his mistake, the moment the words leave his mouth. As soon as Jimin responds the way he always does to those words. Those magic, secret words between them. Jungkook immediately realizes that he is being misunderstood. 

Jimin smiles sweetly. “Ah, my baby. Got it. I understand now. Are you pent up? Do you need to get off?”

Jungkook is losing steam. And hope. “Th-that’s not-”

“Do you need to fuck me, bun? Would that help? Or I can blow you. Huh? We can -”

“NOOO!!!” Jungkook wails, taking Jimin completely by surprise. “No!” He is sobbing. “No! It hurts HERE!” he cries, stabbing his finger hard into his chest, right over his own heart. “HERE!!!” His face is stained with tears and contorted in pain, desperate. “I don’t need to fuck you! I need to be inside you - but not like that. Like I need to be inside your skin - I need - I don’t know - I need to like - to like - crawl inside you. All of me, not my cock - not my cock, hyung. All of me! I need to be in you  - not inside you. I need - I need to - to be part of you. I want to crawl right under your skin, to - I dunno - like melt right into you. To - to merge with you.” He feels more and more desperate to make Jimin understand but he can’t find the words to express it. “Don’t you get it? Don’t you??? I need to be with you. I need you, hyung. I need you so much . . .”

“Kook-ah, you are part of me. You’re in my heart. Right here,” he says gently as he taps lightly over his own heart. “Always. All the time.”

Jungkook is so frustrated, shaking his head almost violently. “I can’t - I can’t do this. Not anymore. Hyung, I can’t -”

“Can’t what, Kook-ah? I don’t get it. I love you, I love taking care of you. Let me help it not to hurt. Like I always do. Yeah? Make you feel good?”

Jungkook cries harder, shaking his head. He wants to scream, wants to crawl out of his skin. He can’t find the right words. Words are often hard for him, but right now he needs them. He knows he needs the right words. But they aren’t coming.

“You’re trembling, Kook-ah, let me help you. You need to calm down.” Jimin pulls him into a tight hug, patting and rubbing his back. “You’re crying so much lately. I don’t like seeing you like this. I can’t stand it. And I don’t understand. Help me understand.”

Jungkook cries more. Through his tears he can force out a few more words. “I want you to. I need you to. To understand.”

“Tell me then. Take all the time you need. And tell me.”

Jungkook pulls out of the hug to look at him. He is terrified. He knows it’s now or never. 

“Jimin,” he says as his voice shakes.

“I’m right here Kook-ah,” he says softly as he strokes Jungkook’s cheek with his fingertips.

Jungkook can’t get his tears to stop. He is surprised he has any left.

“Jimin. I - I love you.”

“And I love-”

“No!!!! Stop that! Stop saying that!!!”

Jimin’s confusion is written all over his face.

So Jungkook tries again. “I love you.”

“Jungkookie, I know what you love. I know when you say 'I love you,' I know what you mean. You mean you love me like a hyung. And that you love ‘this.’ The stuff we always did together, you know, when we were alone. Isn’t that what you always said? ‘I love you and I love this’? Is that what you miss? Our arrangement? Because bun, you don’t need that anymo-”

“No!!!! That’s not - Jimin!!! Don’t tell me what I am saying. Because that is not what I am saying! And don’t tell me what I am feeling. Because that is not what I am feeling either, Jimin-ah!” He is wailing again, he can’t help it.

“Jungkook, I don’t understand. Why are you so upset?”

Jungkook pulls back and takes Jimin’s hands in his own. He looks into his eyes as earnestly as he possibly can. And then he takes a breath and speaks as calmly and seriously as he can.

“Jimin, I am in love with you. I am completely, utterly, desperately in love with you.”

Jimin feels like the earth just cracked open right in front of him.

“What?” he says in almost a whisper, filled with shock and disbelief.

Jungkook looks deeply into his eyes and nods. There is not one ounce of doubt in it.

“I. Am. In. Love. With. You.”

“Kook- You don’t - You just -”

Jungkook is completely calm now. With the words out he can breathe again. And he can say what he needs to say. 

“No. Do not tell me how I feel or what I want. Because you have it wrong. So SO wrong. I am in love with you. My life without you - without seeing you every day - hyung - it’s shit. It’s shit, hyung. It’s awful. It’s awful hyung! I cannot live without you.”

“Kook, you can - you will -”

“I can, but I don’t want to.” He takes Jimin’s hand that he is holding and places it on his own chest, right over his heart. “Without you it’s like my heart has been ripped out of my body. Like it’s out in the world, bare and throbbing and open and raw. There is like - this gaping hole inside me without you. It feels awful and empty and painful, hyung. Jimin, you complete me. You are all I think about - all the time. You give me peace, and purpose. You make me so happy. And your - your happiness - it’s the best thing ever. Please please believe me. I am in love with you.”

“Koo-”

“And I want to be with you. My whole life. Every single minute. I want a life with you. I want this. I want you. I want what you want. What you have always said you wanted. All of it.”

Jimin is shocked and speechless.

“We can get married and have kids and -”

“Jungkook - I don’t think you mean that -”

“I do. I do mean it, hyung. I want to be your happily ever after.”

Jimin looks like someone just told him that two plus two equals five. Like he cannot even begin to comprehend what he is hearing. Not now, not after all these years. It makes no sense. It is impossible. 

Jungkook whispers and puts his fingertips on Jimin’s cheek. “Please. Please tell me you feel the same. That you could feel the same. Maybe. Maybe someday?” Suddenly he is filled with doubt. And with dread. “But - your happiness - your happiness, hyung - that is what I want most. So - so - I want you to be happy. So - so I guess if you think you would be happier with Eunwoo, I - I will - well, I don’t know what I will do . . .” He hadn’t really thought about that. “But I want you to be happy. But I want you to hear me, and to believe me. Because I want it to be me. I really really want it to be me that makes you happy. God I want so bad for it to be me - and not him - and not anyone else - only me . . .” His tears begin to trickle again as he considers the possibility of Jimin turning him down.

Jimin’s head is reeling. “Jungkook, I don’t know what to say. I - This feels really sudden. I didn’t expect this. Ever.”

“But - d-do you hate it? Hate that I said it? Did I ruin everything? God, please tell me I didn’t just ruin everything . . .”

“No, Kook. Of course you didn’t ruin anything. I - I just - I need a second.” Jimin literally feels like he has entered an alternate universe, like there is no way this can possibly be real. 

And Jungkook is beginning to feel crestfallen. “Because you don’t feel the same way . . .” he whispers as his tears begin to roll down his face.

Jimin squeezes his hand, to both comfort Jungkook and ground himself. 

“Kook-ah, I don’t know what I feel. Kook, I love you so much, you are such a part of my heart. A huge part of my heart. But Kook, I never even let myself consider this as a possibility. I kept myself from thinking about this. On purpose. Intentionally. I trained myself to not want this. Over years. Years, Kook-ah. Don’t you see? I kept myself from wanting this, from wanting you. Because - because you’re straight! Aren’t you? So how can you want - I always thought . . .”

“I don’t know why you were always so certain about that. Did you not think I liked it? Did I look like I wanted to be with someone else? Wanted to be somewhere else? All those times?”

“Well, no . . . but . . . it’s not what we agreed we were doing . . . and you never said anything different . . .we talked about it all the time! And you never said -”

“Well I am saying it now.” Jungkook is deadly serious.

“Saying what exactly?”

“I don’t know whether I’m straight or gay or what. And do you know what? I don’t care. I want you. That’s all I know. I don’t want another woman, or another man, or any other human. I want you. And I hope you want me too.” His doe eyes go wide as he looks into Jimin’s. “Do you? Do you hyung? Could you?”

“Jungkook, I need time. I - I have stopped myself from even considering this. For years. I - I trained myself. Trained myself to not feel this about you. Ever. Intentionally. I have stopped myself for years from thinking about this. I - I need time.”

“I can give you time. If that’s what you need. If that is really what you need, I can give you that. Just - just don’t say no. Please. Just say you’ll consider it, that you’ll think about it. That if I give you time you won’t just run away. Or just let me down easy. That you will actually think about it.”

“I don’t want to decide this for the wrong reasons. Because - because Jungkook, I don’t want to make a mistake. Not with our hearts. Because if I broke your heart - or mine - I don’t think I could forgive myself. I would never ever want to do that to you. To us.”

Jungkook looks up at him through teardrop studded eyelashes. 

“How come? Why is that so important? I’m strong. I can take it. I can. Why is it so important to not hurt me?”

Jimin pauses to consider why. Why he could never bear to hurt Jungkook. And the answer comes to him so clearly, so unbidden.

He looks up into those glistening doe eyes and he knows.

And in barely a whisper, he says the most honest thing he has ever said.

“Because I love you.”

A smile slowly overtakes Jungkook’s lips as he realizes what Jimin just said. He looks at Jimin through eyelashes still dotted with tears, looks at his lips, and then back to his eyes, and reaches for his jaw. 

He pulls Jimin into a slow, soft kiss that is full of meaning. 

It is unlike any of the thousands of kisses they have shared over the years. He feels Jimin’s tears on his own cheeks.

The kiss is sweet and slow, and feels brand new. It feels like a first kiss.

And then a second and a third.

They can’t even bear to stop kissing each other, but Jimin murmurs against his lips “My god, I have always loved you . . .”

Jungkook pulls back to look in his eyes. “Do you? Do you love me like this? Like I love you? Because I love you, hyung. God, I really really do.”

Jungkook dives in for another kiss, relief flooding every cell in his body.

“But - but I just - I - I don’t know - I just want to be sure. And I want you to be sure. Kook-ah I just don’t think you really know -”

Suddenly Jungkook brightens. Because he is being given a challenge. And he loves a challenge.

“Let me show you. Let me convince you. I will show you that I mean this. That I want this. And that you should want this too. That you should trust this. Let me show you how great this can be. How right this is.”

Jimin sniffles. “How? How are you going to show me?”

“Let me date you. Let me take you on dates, let me court you. Let me woo you. Let me win you over. Let me - let me do this the right way. In the right order. Let me date you until you fall in love with me. Like it’s supposed to be. Like couples are supposed to do. Let’s start at the beginning. But let me show you. God, I am so sure about this. I know this is right. And I know in here,” he gently puts his finger on Jimin’s chest, over his heart, “that you do too.”

“Aw, Kook -”

“Let me love you. And let me show you. Please. Let me. Please let me.”

Jungkook pulls him into another sweet, deep, intentional kiss. Jimin sinks his hand into the hair at the back of Jungkook’s head and for once he lets himself get lost in it.

“My god I’ve missed you, hyung.” Jungkook murmurs against his lips.

Jungkook kisses him like he has been starved, but it’s different. Not urgent, just like he is finally feeding a deep hunger, an emptiness that is finally being filled.

It is categorically different from all of the kisses they have ever shared. For the first time ever, Jimin allows himself to melt into a kiss with Jungkook. To feel all the things he would never let himself feel for all their years and years together. Jimin’s head is spinning. He feels like an explosion of butterflies has erupted inside him. He is pretty sure that there is no way on earth that this is really happening.

The impossible.

Can it be that the impossible is really happening?

“Jungkook . . .” Jimin lets out, somewhere between a quiet gasp and a sigh. Jungkook takes both his hands and gently holds Jimin’s face, caressing his jaw and cheeks with his fingertips as he holds him where he wants him for the kiss. Jimin can feel Jungkook’s eyelashes as they flutter against his cheeks. “Jungkook,” he whispers again, “Is this real? Am I dreaming? Am I gonna wake up?”

“So real, jagiya. Nothing in the world is more real than this. Than my love for you.” He kisses Jimin in a way that is both deeper and more gentle, as if he is afraid to break the moment. Jimin smiles against his lips without breaking the kiss.

“What did you just call me?”

Jungkook’s eyes open slowly, looking at Jimin so softly. “‘Jagiya.’ It just kinda - popped out. Is - is that okay?”

Jimin smiles, he looks kiss-drunk. “Yeah. Yeah, it’s fine. It’s amazing actually.” He lets out a small chuckle. “I don’t think you’ve ever had a pet name for me, bun. Other than ‘hyung’ or ‘Jiminie.’”

“But I’m the only one who can call you ‘jagi.’ Too many people call you ‘Jiminie’ or ‘hyung.’”

“You can be the only one, angel.”

Jungkook’s lips slowly form a wide smile, as he goes back in for another kiss. “I love you, jagiya. I really do.”

And Jimin feels his soul leave his body, because surely this must be heaven and he must have been a very very good boy.