Chapter Text
They swim, and they fool around with a couple of kayaks and a paddleboard, and then they go back to the villa and sleep for a while. Porsche wakes to the sound of Big and Kinn fucking in the bathroom.
It's not something that makes him startle awake. He comes up gradually and listens to the low noise Big is making and Kinn's heavy breathing like it's birdsong.
He can tell they're both close. He's still most of the way asleep, and any arousal he feels at listening in feels very far away, like it's in the bathroom with Kinn and Big, safely held back from him. So he just lets himself eavesdrop as they both come to a finish.
"Ah!" Big says, and then wheezes out a bellyful of air in a long, shaky breath. Kinn grunts, and then Porsche can hear him panting like he's run a marathon.
It's kind of nice to hear them breathing, although Porsche wishes they'd come back to bed so he could be part of the afterglow. He briefly wonders if he's jealous, and then -
"Did we wake Porsche?" Kinn murmurs. "Can you see him?"
"He's still asleep," Big says. "Hush, or you're gonna wake him."
"You okay?" Kinn asks, slightly more quietly. "I didn't..."
"It doesn't hurt when we fuck," Big tells him, sounding like he's said this a couple times before. "C'mon, I want to go back to bed."
Porsche pretends to be asleep, and Big and Kinn crawl back in on either side of them. He can smell that they've been fucking, but it's sort of pleasant, the bitter scent of semen and the slightly sour smell of sweat. He smacks his lips and curls closer to Big when Big loops an arm around his waist.
Kinn drops off right away. "I can tell you're awake," Big murmurs to Porsche. "All good?"
"Mmhmm," Porsche agrees, and they sleep for another hour or so.
Porsche is a little less airsick on the way back to Bangkok the next morning, which is nice, but then they're home, and it's midmorning on a Monday, and he doesn't know what he's going to do with the rest of his life. He thinks of making a run to the minor family house, but Chan appears behind him.
"Let's get you stretched before you give yourself a migraine," he says, and herds Porsche into the gym to be ironed out.
"So what are you going to do tomorrow?" Chan asks, when Porsche has stopped crunching when he moves. He sounded like he was wrapped in tin foil. "Besides come to the gym and stretch."
"... I dunno," Porsche says. "It's... I guess I could do anything. I could..."
The problem is that having every option is almost worse than having no options. Porsche is used to looking down the barrel of a gun and seeing a bad option and a worse option. He doesn't know what to do with a practically infinite number of good options.
The other problem is that he never had any particular dreams or hopes, except for avoiding death until Chay reached college. And he's done that, basically. And he has no idea what to do next.
Being the head of the minor family kind of made sense. Porsche had no particular desire to do so, but Kinn needed him to, so. It was the same thing as getting his ass kicked to pay Chay's tuition, just that he got scraped into a much nicer car when he collapsed at the end of a round.
"I'm going to make a suggestion," Chan says. "Why don't you finish your degree? You're most of the way there. You could do one session of six courses, or two sessions part-time. And then it would be done."
"But how would that help anybody?" Porsche asks. "It's not like Kinn needs a kinesiologist as a boyfriend."
"Well," Chan says, and folds down onto the mat with Porsche. "That might be true. But I think he needs you as his boyfriend, and you obviously liked the idea of kinesiology at some point, didn't you?"
"Yeah, I mean, it's interesting," Porsche says. "But... I don't really have to finish. Or maybe I should do accounting, Kinn wanted..."
"I think that you should finish the degree you were six classes away from, that interested you," Chan says. "I can make some calls to the university this afternoon, if you want."
"I can just... do that?" Porsche asks.
"Well, it's the middle of term, so probably not right away," Chan says. "Let me make my calls, and we'll circle back on this later in the week, okay?"
"... okay," Porsche says. Why not? He'll probably never do anything with it, but...
But it would be nice to finish.
His birthday is only a week away when they get home, but the days kind of melt away. Soon there's only three sleeps left to the big day.
He wakes up and quickly realizes that Big is still in bed with him. "Is it Saturday?" he mumbles.
"Not yet," Big tells him. "I'm taking the day off, I missed you."
"Is that allowed?" Porsche asks, probably more candid than he would be if he was fully awake. "I mean..."
"What do you mean, allowed?" Big snorts. "He doesn't have any big meetings today and I want to hang out with you. Do you have plans?"
"... no," Porsche admits. "I'll probably hit the gym."
"We could swim after pool training finishes," Big offers, and so they do that.
"I had an ulterior motive," Big admits, when they're done with the pool and back in the elevator upstairs. "You're kind of antsy. Do you think it might help if you..."
"If I what?" Porsche asks. Maybe he snaps it. Maybe he doesn’t. Only Big could say, and he doesn’t.
It's true that he's maybe been feeling a little restless and irritable, and that that is probably not how a man with unlimited money and free time should feel. But he thought he was doing a good job of hiding it.
"Maybe you should jerk off," Big says, and Porsche squawks, indignant. How is that any of Big's business - dating doesn't mean he can tell Porsche what to do with himself! And Porsche just did! He just came...
Well, it was almost two weeks ago. The restlessness, the feeling of skin hunger maybe makes a bit more sense now. He doesn't think he's gone two weeks without an orgasm since he started at Hum Bar. Hell, he doesn't know if he's gone two nights without an orgasm since then. The girls, and then Kinn was always all over him, and then Big...
And since he and Big officially started dating, they've had sex exactly once. Porsche hadn't really been counting it like that, but now that he does he feels like a miserable failure. Of course Big wants more from him. Of course he's not enough.
"Hey," Big says, and snaps him back to the present. "I'm not saying you have to. I'm just saying if you want, I can guard the bathroom door for you, or... Or whatever makes you feel okay to do it. I get that you don't want to fuck right now, but you still have needs, right?"
"You're telling me to jerk it and you'll just, what, listen?" Porsche demands, still sounding a little pent-up and irritable. He does hear it now that Big mentions it.
And the last two weeks obviously haven't gone by with no touching. The last few nights he's ended up making out with Big for a while while Kinn showers. He thinks Kinn has noticed, because his showers have gotten really long.
Big's perfectly happy just to kiss him and rub his back. He seems to have noticed that his erection makes Porsche jump away in a panic, and he's good at keeping it out of play so Porsche can enjoy himself and not feel... however he feels. He doesn't complain even for a second when Porsche falls asleep in the middle of fooling around. It's been nice.
But it does mean that Porsche has been feeling kind of... pent up. It would make more sense to just fuck Big or get fucked by him while they're rolling around in bed together, but Porsche... can't. He doesn't want to introduce that level of uncertainty right before he tries to go to bed, in the place that he sleeps. He has enough nightmares as it is.
And as alone as he's been all day, he hasn't wanted to while he’s by himself, either. He still wants Big (and Kinn), he just... doesn't want them when they're available.
Maybe jerking off in the shower with Big guarding the door would be fine. Maybe...
They're out of the elevator now, in the suite where it's private. "You could stay," Porsche suggests. "I mean, do you...."
"Yeah," Big says, and leans in for a quick kiss. "Do you want me to watch? I could hold you, I could help, I could..."
Porsche has to wet his lips to actually make the request. He's very turned on by this but somehow it's still scary. "Can you hold me?" he asks. "And I..."
"Yeah, of course," Big says, and when Porsche looks down at him he has that soft look. "I know you like that. In bed?"
"Yeah," Porsche agrees. All of his fucking mental problems have been better over the last week or so, but that doesn't mean they've exactly been fixed. His dick is trying to perk up hopefully, but the idea of fucking anywhere he associates with It makes his skin crawl, and unfortunately one of those places is the living room hallway, which is where they’re standing right now.
He really doesn't understand why he's being such a baby about this. He used to fuck in the alley three times a night when he worked at the bar. He had a system for faking orgasms when coming again would have made his skin crawl off his body.
And now he can't even let Big, who loves him, who is the safest person in the world, touch his dick. He's going to have to lie in bed, with his clothes on, with the blanket over his head, to jerk himself off. He feels pathetic.
"Hey," Big says, and flicks his forehead. "What's going on in there?"
Porsche shrugs. "Sorry I'm so fucking weird."
Big gets that extra soft look that he gets sometimes. "I miss Blowjob School," he tells Porsche. "You were so fucking cute when you'd jerk off after. I don't fucking care if it's weird, I liked it."
That does make Porsche feel a little better. They're in their bedroom now. "Should I..." he asks, and plucks at the hem of his shirt.
"You'd probably feel better with your jeans off," Big says. "Right?"
That does sound right, so Porsche kicks them off and stands in his underwear and a t-shirt.
"Do you want to get in bed?" Big asks, and holds the corner of the duvet up. All of their fooling around so far has been under the covers. It feels safer.
Porsche nods, and they slide in bed together. Big reaches for him, just like he would if they were going to sleep. Something in Porsche starts to feel secure again.
He palms his dick through his briefs, and starts to let himself feel the ache in his balls. Maybe Big was right and he does need this. It feels good to touch his own body again.
"Kiss?" Big asks, and Porsche turns his head on the pillow so their lips can meet. "Cutest nong," Big tells him when they break apart. "So sweet."
It still doesn't feel 100% true that Porsche is someone's sweet and cute junior, but he likes it too much to argue about it. He sighs, and Big kisses his forehead.
"Gonna jerk yourself off?" Big asks, and Porsche nods. He pulls his underwear down enough he can grab his dick and...
And he can actually feel his body again. He used to feel like this on the rare occasions he jerked himself off recreationally when he was taking girls to the alley. His body actually felt like it was his again, at least for a few minutes in the shower.
Big keeps kissing him. He has his arm tight around Porsche's shoulders. And Porsche can feel how much he needed this, how much he's been aching to let go.
He groans into Big's mouth. "I got you," Big says. "It's okay."
I shouldn't need to be comforted during a blowjob, Porsche thinks grumpily. His hips hitch harder into his hand, and…
And he comes for what feels like ten minutes. The amount of jizz on his hand after is actually kind of disgusting. Big smiles at the face he's making and rolls away to get him a handful of tissues.
"I'll change the sheets," Big promises. "Is that better?"
It is. Porsche nods. He does feel...
He feels like he's about to cry again. "Fuck," he says, and his voice gets all high and quavery. "I..."
"I got you, nong," Big says, and reels Porsche in again. "It's okay. It's better to let it come out."
Porsche has already let so much come out. How can there be more? But his eyes start to water and his nose runs. He hides his face against Big's shoulder and shakes out a couple sobs.
"Why am I crying about feeling good?" he asks Big, when he's got himself a little more under control. "Stupid."
"Maybe because you didn't feel good before," Big suggests. "It's okay."
They lie there for a couple more minutes, Porsche's eyes still watering. He never did feel like this before, safe and protected. There's never been anyone he felt safe to let go with like he does with Big.
"I have a second ulterior motive," Big says, when Porsche's eyes stop watering and his breathing evens out. "Your birthday."
That's maybe also been something Porsche has been stressing over. He wants everyone to remember and do something for him. But he doesn't want it to be so lavish that he feels like he owes them. And...
"Did Kinn remember?" he asks, and even to himself sounds very small and anxious. "Are we gonna..."
"Of course Kinn remembered your birthday," Big says. "He's got a huge surprise planned, and..."
Porsche can't help it, but he tenses up. He imagines some kind of party with all the charity circuit people, having to remember names, people asking him why he's lost weight -
"I told him that maybe you wouldn't like a surprise," Big says, his voice taking on a certain edge. "I told him the same thing about the trip, by the way. He insisted."
"I had so much fun," Porsche protests. He doesn't want to sound ungrateful. It was a nice thing and he -
"You were miserable on the plane and trying to hide it," Big interjects. "And you were really nervous the first night, weren't you?"
"... yeah," Porsche says, and his voice comes out super small. And when he goes on, it's even smaller. "... I thought we were gonna have pizza and watch a movie, and I..."
He doesn’t have the words to say I couldn’t pivot, I can’t just jump from plan to plan to plan anymore. It feels like that part of himself is broken, or maybe lying somewhere on the floor, too exhausted to keep going. Now that he’s stopped having to pivot from having money to suddenly needing to find a fight, to expecting a meeting and getting a shoot-out, the muscle that did it has died.
"I don't really like surprises either," Big says, and pushes Porsche's hair back off his forehead. "You want me to talk to Kinn for us?"
Porsche nods. "I'm grateful," he starts. "I just..."
"The last surprise you got before the vacation was someone trying to blow us up," Big agrees. "I get it. Do you want to know what the plan is for your birthday?" He goes on at Porsche's nod. "Chay's planning the party and he said he'd just do the usual, which I presume you understand? And then Kinn wants to take a hot air balloon ride, he says..."
Porsche is fine with heights, he is. And taking a hot air balloon ride would probably be lovely. The views could be beautiful. But...
"That's what I said," Big agrees. "He says it's like the helicopter ride, and I'm sure that was very spectacular, but how are we going to continue on this theme? Is it a space shuttle ride for your twenty-fifth? What do you want to do?"
"... do you think he'd take me shopping?" Porsche asks, and immediately feels like such an ass for asking that he has to hide his face in Big's shoulder again.
"Yeah, of course he would," Big says. "What's the matter?"
"It's greedy," Porsche says. "It's like asking for presents, it's..."
"He keeps talking about taking you to his tailor," Big says. "It's... you know Kinn. Getting a tailored suit is like a regular person buying rice. He's not going to think you're greedy. You want us all to go or should you and I do our own thing?"
"It would be nice if we all went," Porsche says. He hasn't spent a ton of alone time with Kinn recently, and... for right now that's fine.
"Let me communicate this with Mr. Space Race," Big says, and reaches for his phone on the bedside table. "You wanna go out for lunch?"
Kinn doesn't say anything about having to cancel the hot air balloon excursion. "Happy birthday," he says to Porsche, when Porsche wakes up on Monday morning. Big is still passed out on his other side, snoring loudly. "How does it feel to be twenty-four?"
"Good, I think," Porsche says, and rolls so he's facing Kinn on the pillow. Kinn is smiling with his eyes and his hair is all rumpled. Porsche wants to kiss him, so he does.
Big still feels like the safest person in the world, but things have been feeling better with Kinn too. Porsche is starting to remember how affectionate he can be, when Porsche lets him. Kinn's stopped feeling quite so dangerous and uncertain, especially when Big's close by to translate.
Kinn lets the kiss be just a soft kiss good morning. "Better than twenty-three?" he asks, when they pull apart. He reaches up and smooths Porsche's hair down.
"So far," Porsche says. He likes seeing Kinn’s smile lines when they talk in bed like this. "Do I need to get up?"
"We're gonna go meet my tailor a little later," Kinn says, as if that's not what Porsche asked for. "But there's no rush. Do you want coffee?"
"Not yet," Porsche says, and leans in for another kiss. It's long and deep this time, and Kinn's hand tightens in his hair for just a second, like he's going to roll Porsche on his back and keep going.
Porsche wants, for that second, but he's relieved when Kinn releases him and strokes his scalp apologetically. He's not totally sure what he can handle yet.
"Let me get you breakfast, birthday boy," Kinn says, when they pull apart again, and maybe that's enough for the moment.