Chapter Text
You must read it before you start reading my story :
1.None of the pictures I used or may use in this fanfiction are mine. I found them all on Google images.All the names of original characters are from Google too. Remember this is a fanfiction. And as I'm not fond of many people in mo dao zu shi(that includes Lan Xichen and Jiang Yanli)you may find yourself not agreeing with my opinion. I'm biased towards Wei Ying and hate Jiang's and it will definitely show. If you don't like it then please you shouldn't read it .
2. This is my first fanfiction so don't expect anything great. There will be mistakes. It may be hard to read in some places too.I tried my best.
3. The story is a mix of what I remember of Donghua,novel and drama joined with my own ideas. There will be absolutely No Yin Iron or Lan Yi. But the version of them that I'm using is Donghua(Wei Ying grey eyes are beautiful).
4. When it comes to Chinese myths ,golden cores and cultivation I mixed what I know from the show with what I have read on different websites about cultivation and I came out with some things myself. It's a mix of all those three. I tried to explain this as best as I could in my story but if it's hard to understand I won't be able to explain this better without making bigger mess. So if that happens I'm sorry.
5. I won't use Chinese terms for time. Like mao shi(I don't know if that's correct). I will simply write seven a.m or four p.m. I would use modern months and seasons. Like February or spring. If I use Chinese terms I will really make a big mess. So I will stick with modern terms.
Thirteen years.I spent thirteen years in this void. Being a ghost is a weird experience. Having a physical body and not being able to feel it. Even my emotions are dulled. Like there is some kind of wall between me and what I feel. Seeing as everything in front of me plays out. The only thing I can do is watch. I can't even choose what I want to see. If it was the old me he would probably find the situation very amusing and try to figure out what is happening but the present me doesn't really care that much. So I float and watch. It's not like there is something else for me to do . But at the same time it helps me understand how much of a fool I was. How my naivety and overconfidence in my abilities killed me and my family. And it helped me see the lie that I was living.It took me years to understand the relationship I had with Jiang family wasn't what I thought it was.
Yu Ziyuan
She is known by her title as a Violet Spider but to me she was someone that at one point in time I wanted to call an aunt.When I was brought to Lotus Pier from the streets I was excited to meet her.I wanted to get along with her and her children.I really thought that my suffering ended and a new chapter has opened in my life.That finally I will get a family. I won't be alone anymore.That hope was quickly destroyed.
Our first meeting was a disaster.She didn't hide her disgust towards me nor my parents, especially my mother.At that time I didn't understood what I did wrong.I didn't know why she called me names like bastard or son of a servant.In the beginning I still clung to hope that someday she will change her mind about me,but that day never came.She despised me till the end.It became worse with time.If I did badly I was an ungrateful bastard who was wasting the opportunity that was given to him but when I excelled in classes, I was a servant who was overstepping his boundaries.How dare I do better than the sect heir? I was often punished whenever Madam Yu was in the sect.It didn't matter whose fault it was,somehow I was to blame.I didn't mind.If it wasn't for Sect Leader Jiang I would still be leaving on the streets fighting with dogs for food.I thought that a few hours of kneeling is worth the roof over my head,food and education I was receiving.It hurt to hear my parents name be brought up only for her to insult them.I didn't even have their tablets in my room.I couldn't grief them or ask about them without Madam Yu getting upset.Other than their names I know basically nothing about them.
When I formed my golden core a year after my arrival the punishments I started to receive worsened.My back became a map of scars made with Zidian.Becoming a Head Disciple was welcomed with scorn and venom from her side.She made it clear that I was stealing the position from her son.All my achievements where reduced by her to me trying to overthrow Jiang Wanyin from sect heir position.I don't know where she got that thought from.With time I stopped sharing my ideas about talismans and training methods so freely. I acted out and flirted with girls I met.With this my reputation was being known as someone free,shameless and arrogant so Jiang Wanyin wouldn't feel so bad about himself.And it gave her reasons to punish me-not that she needed them.I learned very fast that it doesn't matter if I behave or not because I will always be punished.If I misbehave then at least I will earn it even if it's an unfair punishment.
I never understood how could she treat Yanli and Wanyin so badly too.She didn't hurt them physically but everyone knows that words hurt more than any other wound.A stab will heal in a day with a strong core but words stay with us for years.She was always reminding them that I was nothing more than their servant(especially when Yanli would peel lotus seeds for me)and that's how they should treat me.That I should be grateful for everything and stop being such a disgrace.She saw me as someone who will bring ruin to their sect.She would always say that I wasn't their family.Putting Wanyin against me every time wasn't helping either.Our rivalry wasn't healthy.I tried to teach him through our spars(he wouldn't take my help otherwise,he would treat it as me trying to show off that I'm better than him). Seeing the gap between us I started to limit myself so he wouldn't be scolded so harshly by her.It's from her I learned that rules are just an excuse for elders to punish me.I still remember the whipping I got for breaking Yanli's engagement.But it was Jiang Fengmian who decided that and yet it didn't matter.It was my back who once again became a victim of Zidian.
Even after I came back from indoctrination she didn't spare me.Once again I became a reason of discord in the family.Instead of resting(or in my case pretending that everything is fine and trying to get out of the infirmary)I had to comfort Wanyin.And than the attack came.She knew that Wen's were attacking minor sects,she heard about the abyss,before indoctrination SHE was the one who said to Wanyin that of course he will go ,they won't send Yanli to die.When Jiang Fengmian asked me if I wanted to go she was pissed. She saw it as Uncle Jiang favouritism. She said that since it's me and not his son ,it's obvious that I have a choice to go.She knew there is a chance we wouldn't come back,that they had no choice but to send us to them,she knew that Cloud Recess was burned down and yet after my return neither she nor Jiang Fengmian did anything to prepare.She's the one who opened the door for them.She's the one who whipped me,their Head Disciple (one of the strongest cultivators in the sect)with Zidian to appease Wen Chao's mistress.She was ready to cut off my hand and give it to them.The only reason she didn't was because Wang Lingjiao made their purpose clear.If she didn't tell her about supervisory office they planned to make in Yunmeng I would have lost my hand.She attacked Wang Lingjiao.Instead of retreating she chose to fight.It's her hurt pride that was the reason of Lotus Pier massacre.There was no evacuation plans,no orders to take what's valuable and run.They had no defense.They didn't prepare because they thought that as one of the great sects the Wen's won't dare to touch them.But the one who was blamed was me.Even before death she made it clear that it was my fault and it doesn't matter what will happen to me as long as Wanyin was safe.I believed her words for years but no more.I don't owe them anything.I didn't ask to be picked up.I tried to repay them by doing my best as their Head Disciple,by protecting Yanli's honour from her fiance's slander,by always being there for Wanyin when he needed comfort or an outlet for his anger.I did my best.But no more.
Jiang Fengmian
A person who called himself my father's friend.Who promised me a family.A person who always smiled at me kindly and offered words of encouragement.A person who send his son's dogs away because I feared them.Someone I called an Uncle.And a person who turned blind eye when his wife abused me.Who allowed my parents names to be slandered.Who allowed his wife to turn my family into a stain on his marriage.I didn't want to think about this before but it was weird that he didn't found me sooner.I was a five years old kid whose parents just died.I had nowhere else to go.And still it took him four years to find me?I never left Yiling.I wasn't hiding.Yet he knew who I was without meeting me before?He recognized a starved dirty child as a son of his dear friend?He never told me anything about my parents.He didn't try so hard to stop Madam Yu's words.I knew he didn't favour me.I never had a clear role in the household.Sometimes I was a brother,sometimes a ward but most of the times I was a servant and bastard.He always wanted me to be close to Wanyin.Why else did he send his dogs away completely?Why did he leave us to share the same room where there were so many that were empty? He wanted us to become close as soon as possible.I was there to encourage Wanyin's growth as a cultivator and act as his right hand man and bodyguard when needed. I was his shield. My job was to serve him for the rest of my life to repay the debt for taking me in. But what hurt the most were his last words.I knew he didn't love me. He saw me as a reminder of my father to him or what he wanted my father to be to him. But I wasn't surprised either when the only thing he cared about was for me to take care of Wanyin and Yanli.No other words.Not even a goodbye or stay safe.I was grateful for the fact he took me from the streets but not anymore.It would be better if he had left me there.
Jiang Yanli
I have conflicted feelings towards her.I know she tried her best.But I knew I wasn't as important to her as she claimed me to be.Since she had low cultivation she focused on cooking and taking care of others.Her mother's dismissive words towards her hurt her yet she didn't show it.I know she was taking care of us and it wasn't always easy.But know that I look at it I see things I have always ignored.Things I never wanted to see so I chose to forget.She wasn't favouring me either.She wanted someone to take care of.Someone who needed her and made her feel useful .And I wanted someone to take care of me,to show me love that I lacked on the streets.So I often acted as a child around her.I loved and craved the positive attention she gave me. Especially after the punishments. She did take care of my wounds but she didn't try to stop the abuse either.I understand why she didn't.It was still her mother and there wasn't much she could have done but the fact that she didn't even put an effort to try hurt.She didn't ask her father to interfere either.With Yanli I felt like she was dismissing what was happening to me.She knew it was wrong and yet she just stood aside.I realized that she didn't want to see what was happening either.She chose how she sees people and everything that didn't add up to her imagination simply didn't exist.In her own way she was manipulating me,it wasn't a conscious thought.She really wanted to help us.But her help wasn't healthy nor was it a selfless act.She always made me feel like my feelings didn't matter,that I shouldn't take her mother's words to heart.Like her soup can fix everything.She genuinely thought her mother was doing it for my own good so she refused to see that she simply hated me.She wanted a life she dreamed of.I think that's why she married the peacock despite how he treated her.Despite the fact that his sect wanted me dead. On Phoenix Mountain was the only time she stood up for me.But the moment Jin what's his face had to apologize the topic suddenly changed and I never received my apology.She deserved her happy ending but why did it have to be with the sect that wanted me dead?She didn't write to me or try to ask me what happened either.If she didn't want to be in difficult situation with her in-laws(she didn't mind this on Phoenix Mountain)she could have ask Wanyin.He did helped her visit me in Yiling.He would do anything for her.And the only time she reached out to me was to show me her wedding dress and to bring a bowl of soup.She didn't ask me anything other than what I think about her dress.I wouldn't tell her.She wouldn't be able to deal with real problems but she still said nothing.She didn't find it weird that Wanyin proclaimed me an enemy of the cultivation world when we agreed on my secession(there is no way she didn't know. Everyone was gossiping about me and you can't hide this especially in Lanling).And then after Jin Zixuan's death she runs straight into the battlefield(you must be blind not to see what's happening)while leaving her three months old baby?Asks me to stop, when the moment I do I will be killed.She pushed me away.Took a blade meant for me....but sometimes I think she simply wanted to die.
Jiang Wanyin
A person I considered a brother.Our relationship had a rocky start.He blamed me for the loss of his puppies.He didn't want me in his bedroom.He threatened me with dogs.I never blamed him for that.I was a stranger who came to his home and took his dogs away.We were children who didn't knew anything better at that time.But we still became close.Or as close as you can be with Madam Yu around.Despite the envy and jealousy he felt towards me I knew he cared for me in his own way.Just didn't know how to show it.But his love and care wasn't healthy.I was more of a possession than a brother.Our relationship was complex from his side which wasn't his fault.A mix of love and hate.With him my role wasn't clear either.On one hand I was his closest friend and sometimes brother but on the other hand his mother's words made him see me as a troublemaker and a threat to his position. I became an obstacle he had to beat no matter what. And in the end his jealousy has won.Still somehow we made it work.I couldn't tell him my troubles,he wouldn't understand.He is stubborn and prideful just like his mother.He was very protective of his family.In some way he did blame me for Jiang's situation.He always excused his mother's whipping.If I didn't misbehave I wouldn't be punished.If I said anything bad about my situation he would take this as a personal attack.As me being ungrateful.That's how I knew that as much as he saw me in some way as brother I wasn't part of his family.He would never let anyone hit Yanli who is his blood.Even his parents.I'm simply easy to blame.Still when he tried to stop his mother when Wen's came deep down I was a little happy.He knew that I was just an excuse they were using and he said so to his mother.He knew I wasn't the reason Lotus Pier has fallen and yet he never corrected anyone who said that I was.After he hit me and choked me I couldn't think clearly.When he accused me of bringing Wen Chao to them I was devastated.In some way I did find myself responsible so I let him take his anger out on me.But I didn't just save Jin Zixuan and Lan Zhan. Wen Chao wouldn't have let us go.The moment the fight started we would either lose our cores or our lives. What was I supposed to do?Someone had to stop it.Before arriving he knew we were hostages .His mother made it clear that we have no choice but to come.That there is a chance of us dying.And yet the first thing he did when we were safe....is forgetting what happened and screaming his mother's words at me.I wonder if this is the moment I lost our already fragile relationship. I knew he lost his home and family but so did I.I was hurt too. But it never matters.What I feel is insignificant.When I lost him I was terrified.Learning how he lost his core was a weird experience.I had mixed feelings.He did save me but did he really wanted to save me or was he trying to kill himself?The outcome was easy to predict.If he really tried to save me why wasn't he happy that at least I'm safe but tried to commit suicide?I think he wasn't thinking when he helped me and did it out of grief.While hiding with the Wen's I did something horrible.I took his choice away.I know it wasn't something he would have wanted but what was I supposed to do when a person I loved like a brother wanted to die?The person I was ordered to guard with my life wanted to end his.The only thing keeping him alive was Wen Qing medical care and the promise of a new core.He would see it as me "playing the hero".Turned my act of love into one of obligation. Like he owes me something when all I needed was for him to be alive and healthy.He wouldn't understand me.And a part of me never trusted him. The part of me that was aware of the distance between us. And that part of me was right.When everything fell apart and I needed someone the most, he abandoned me. During the Sunshot Campaign I wasn't myself.I felt like a monster.My mask of happiness changed to a mask of arrogance.Honestly I was surprised that I had so much humanity left in me. If there was one thing Lan Zhan was right about,it was the fact that my cultivation was influencing me.The things I experienced there wasn't something I liked to return to.My broken body being consumed by all those vengeful spirits. The torture they subjected me.Sometimes even reliving their deaths through empathy.And the screams. The neverending screams. But I had to get out.I wanted revenge for everything that happened to us.I wanted to protect what was left of what I thought at the time was my family.And I desperately wanted to live. I didn't want to die.The only reason I managed to come back at all was a promise of revenge and bloodshed I could give them.They wouldn't let me go otherwise.In the beginning it was hard to stop myself from succumbing to their wishes but I did it. I turned all their anger on the Wen's. I didn't hurt innocents. I was cruel and sometimes even inhuman, especially while I was hunting Wen Chao.I know it.But despite the fact how much The Burial Mounds changed me and took away from me I still managed to stop. I knew my limits. I didn't lie when I said it was under my control.As long as I didn't let my emotions rule me,everything was fine.I have never attacked our allies or civilians. I gave them what they deserved.And it's not like they had a problem with me when I was winning them their war.Despite all the doubts thrown my way and their distrust I managed to hide the fact that I'm coreless.If anyone knew that I'm literally a civilian fighting in the war I would be dead in a week.Wen's would have done everything to kill me and some of my allies too.I would have to explain the lack of my core.I would be vulnerable.All the secrets,trauma,fear and constant fight for control took too much strain on my mind and body. After the war has ended I wasn't using my cultivation much.I planned to leave once Yunmeng becomes stable.I stayed because they needed me.I was their strongest asset and I saw what Lanling Jin was doing.I couldn't help with gathering new recruits since my reputation wasn't the best.People avoided me,feared me. And I couldn't help with training them either.I felt so alone.All that happened was too much.The emptiness,the voices,the reality that I can't lie to myself any longer.So I drank.In my way I tried to support Jiang Cheng but I couldn't do much.After the war it was like everything that happened suddenly hit me and I couldn't deal with it. There was nothing that I could use to distract myself. Seeing everyone's eyes on the seal I did try to destroy it.I knew it shouldn't exist any longer but I didn't know how.Jiang Cheng was someone who was aware of political situation happening at that time.He did prove this while visiting me.He knew the sects won't care that Wen Qing is harmless.That she didn't hurt anyone.What mattered was what they thought and nothing else.My brother the person I grew up with gave up on me.During war he treated my refusal of picking up my sword as me making him troubles. What am I even talking about? He always said that all I'm bringing is troubles for him to clean. I knew he was in a difficult situation but he didn't trust me and they knew it.Why else would he trust all the rumors surrounding me? Why else would his faith in me waver so easily? He forgot the debt he owes Wen Qing and Wen Ning and focused only on the fact that I have chosen them over him. Like I betrayed him. Did he forget how I hunted down Wen Chao and every single Wen I fought against?How could he have said that!Jiang's were my family too!I lost them too!And yet he didn't care about that.He remembers what others owe him but forgets what he owes others.A life debt isn't a simple thing.With Jin,Lan and Nie sect in sworn brotherhood that our sect was excluded from I knew it was three to one but he didn't even try. He had a choice and he made it. The easiest way out. I wasn't worth the fight ,so I seceded.That was the only protection that I could give them. Now he didn't have to explain what I was doing to anyone.I wasn't his problem anymore.And what he did? He declared me an enemy of the cultivation world. The whole Jianghu! He never tried to stop the rumors,he saw elderly and a child and never sent me any money or food. He knew I had none.Everything from my contribution from war I left to help Jiang's rebuild.He left me there to rot. Even when he saw how Yanli sacrificed herself, he blamed me.I didn't kill her.It didn't matter to him.It was still my fault.And then he led the siege against me. He helped them kill my family. He didn't have to come but he did. A-Yuan was a child....a child he came to kill. And if that wasn't bad he spent all these years killing and torturing people. Thirteen years of hunting down people he accused of being demonic cultivators. To ensure I wouldn't return. And he did that with my core.That was the moment I realized that my brother became a monster.That was the first time I regretted giving him my core.
These aren't the only things I discovered.I got a really painful lesson from the memories I saw.Nothing was how it seemed and if I realized that sooner I wouldn't have lost my family.The cultivation world is nothing more than a viper nest. When only strong will survive. They don't care about what is wrong and what is right. Power,money and fame are everything to them. It doesn't matter how they obtain it. They despise me,even in death- they vilify me,spit at my name,try to summon me just to ensure I will never come back and yet they're using my inventions.
Lanling Jin stole nearly everything from me and now they're making money out of me too. They're using my research to restore the Yin Hu Fu. Finding out that I was just a pawn in politics hurt ,not as much as the truth behind Jin Zixuan death but it did. As much as I disliked Jin Zixuan I've never, not even once wanted him dead. I should have known that the invitation is only a trap. Because why otherwise the sect that wants me dead would invite me?It was the first time I have lost control.Realization that it was a trap,that I won't be able to see Shijie hurt more than any blade.When they attacked me I didn't think.I was in defence.When Zixuan arrived I wasn't sure what he wanted.Was he part of the ambush?Why tell me to stop when the moment I do I would be killed? Everything was happening so fast.It reminded me too much of my time in Burial Mounds.Hands everywhere trying to hurt me,screams and shouts for my blood.I tried to control myself I really did but the moment that stupid Jin destroyed my present I froze.That one moment was all it took for me to lose control.The only thing in my mind was hands,me,bell and danger.And Wen Ning reacted.When I got my mind back I was back in Yiling.After remembering what happened I punched Wen Ning(my shy didi...I shouldn't have brought him back to life...I never got a chance to apologize for that).I didn't think.I knew he wasn't to blame. He was a blade and I was the one using it. Of course Lanling Jin put all the blame on me and no one...No One questioned them.My circumstances wouldn't have mattered. Because for them it's completely normal for a guest to be welcomed in the middle of the road with an ambush(300 people...only an idiot would think they are there to escort me) as long as that guest is me.And that was what Jin Guangshan used,the opening he needed.
He stopped hiding his intentions after the war. He already began acting like another Wen Ruohan. From the start I knew that his objective was me. But since he couldn't have me, he wanted the damn seal. I knew he would do everything to get it. Because where else would all those rumors fly from if not from our dear Sect Leader Jin. Who else would try to do everything to isolate me. But like an idiot I didn't think about it at the time. I was so desperate to see Shijije and her son that I didn't think. And the worst thing Is that I helped him with it. His death is the only one I felt the pleasure of watching.
After Wen's gave themselves up I was hollow.I felt like an intruder in this world.There was no place for me.People who accepted me despite everything I had done were gone .I refused to see what was happening.I was too busy trying to hide how broken I have become that I let others use me as a puppet .My trauma,fear, overconfidence in my abilities and blind faith in people were my downfall. Those idiots burned a woman alive and celebrated it!They lied about leaving us alone.They planned a siege against me.They attacked me first and then blamed me for their deaths.They treated a fight for survival as a massacre that I organized!After Yanli's death I lost control again.All that pain,fear and rage overcame me.I killed them.I shouldn't have.But they were the ones who attacked me first!It doesn't matter.Only I am to blame.I don't know how I got back.The only thing I remember is telling the spirits to go away and leave me alone. I wanted these souls to shut up for once! When the siege happened.Seeing the bodies of my family.... something in me snapped.I allowed my powers to consume me.I don't know what killed me . Was it the backlash?My own army?Or suicide?I don't remember the details.And I don't care...not anymore.
When Nie Mingjue died I didn't feel anything.He got what he deserved.He cultivated the same poison as I did.But it was alright.As long as it's gentry,my betters it's alright.He should understand me,not condemned me.Their cultivation kills them but it doesn't matter... it's a great sect not some servant ,so why should it matter.But what did hurt ... was Huaisang.A person I considered my friend.I didn't blame him for not trying to help me.He didn't have that much power.... at least I thought so. But now seeing what he is capable of when it comes to people he cares about-I'm hurt.He didn't help me,not because he couldn't, but because simply I wasn't important enough to him.And to think that he tried to get me summoned back into the living world to use me as his pawn to get revenge.And that realization is painful. Someone I considered a friend wanted to use me... Surprisingly the last sect I saw was the Lan sect.And that's the sect I'm most confused about. Them and Lan Zhan.I never saw bigger hypocrites. More specifically Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren.Lan Qiren from the start hated me.When it came to me,his rules didn't matter.The first time we met he broke at least seven of them and no one cared.Don't hold grudges, don't shout, don't talk behind back and yet he complained about me being a troublemaker and a person too similar to my mother, don't use your position to oppress others and yet he threw me out of class because he didn't agree with what I was saying. He could correct me but he chose to dismiss me. He targeted me from the start.Allowed rumors and the dislike he felt towards my mother to shape the way he saw me.I know that he tried to humiliate me a little by using the questions and his nephew.Instead of trying to explain why I shouldn't do what I proposed(I did that as a payback)he threw a scroll at me and assigned me punishment.That's what elders do.He and Madam Yu are similar in this. He never got so angry at Huaisang for not even trying to learn or being distracted in class....he is so harsh with me because there's no one to speak for me. No adult to take my side.Sometimes I think they are worse than Wen Ruohan.He at least never hid his intentions.He made himself clear from the start.The sects on the other hand killed civilians(at the siege they had to see who they were killing)when the only crime they committed was being born with their surname,tortured elderly in the labor camps,stole my inventions and used them and than they had the nerve to say I changed.That my cultivation changed me.Like they didn't use their orthodox way to commit all those crimes.They used me as weapon in the war and got rid of me when I stopped being useful.But Lan Xichen....that naive fool.Overprotective brother?Ha!A simple fool.He blamed me for his brother's decisions!He knew that Lan Zhan doesn't show what he is feeling.Lan Zhan always acted as if I was a pest(I know... I was annoying).He never acknowledged our friendship verbally either.He told me that he hated me.The first thing after my disappearance that he asked wasn't about my wellbeing but whatever or not I killed the Wen using wicked tricks.Many times he made it clear that he doesn't accept my cultivation without even asking why I decided to use it in the first place.He punished me all the time in Cloud Recess.He tried to take me to a place where his own uncle hates me knowing that he won't go against him at that time and he expected me to accept?To go there and deal with their scorn.They already proved that when it comes to me the rules they have don't apply. They chose to listen to gossip about me....I would have suffocated there.In every confrontation I had with Jin what's his name the only time Lan Zhan has interfered was when he thought I was losing control.To stop me,not them.He didn't tell that Jin to shut up or took my side.He was silent then.How could I have known that he was supposedly in love with me!I never blamed Lan Zhan for not reciprocating my friendship. For always ignoring me. Lan Zhan had the right to choose his friends. I respected his decision.How can Lan Xichen blame me for his brother's decisions?Knowing now that he is somehow responsible for my return to Burial Mounds... I'm not sure what to feel.The whip marks on his back are terrible and fill me with rage towards his sect.But I didn't make them!His sect did!Lan Zhan visited me once.Only one time.And he didn't do anything either.Like always he was silent. He didn't send food or supplies to help those people. I never blamed him for that either. It was my decision to help them. But why am I to blame for every misfortune that happens to anyone? He told Xichen what he saw but the moment Zewu-jun dismissed it, he gave up.I know he couldn't do much.Filial piety towards his family and clan. But he was Hanguang-jun.A light-bearer.People would listen to him ,they trust him and his judgement.They would have investigated it if only to save their faces.A real investigation and not asking A-Yao if it's true. Unlike mine,his voice matters!All Xichen had to do was come and see it with his own eyes. Even bring Chifeng-zun....but he did nothing. Wanyin came,Lan Zhan came but he couldn't?And then he said that his feelings towards me are clouding his judgement. Excuse me what? If Wangji said that I TOLD HIM who was on burial mounds I could understand why he would have said that, but he said what he SAW there...not heard.He didn't trust his brother words when Wangji never lied to him.He was the one who was blinded by his feelings and took his sworn brother words over his own blood one .He is the one who tells A-Yao every single detail about his own brother without any respect towards his privacy(he knows Wangji the best,he knows he won't like him sharing his private thoughts).I know that he owes him a life debt but he takes it too far(he always talks about how Meng Yao saves him but forgets who saved his disciples in Xuanwu Cave ,but of course the life debt those disciples owe me doesn't exist).Even during war he didn't disclose who the spy is to Chifeng-zun despite the fact that he was our general at the time! He planned all our actions and he didn't know such a vital information!He is the only reason this brotherhood even came to be. He ignored his closest friend Nie Mingjue feelings(he hated Meng Yao and didn't trust him)and pushed for this brotherhood.If he wanted them to get along he could try to get them to spend some time together first and not jump straight into swearing ceremony.He gave an outsider access to his sect because how would he learn the song that killed Mingjue ?He taught him cleansing.I don't think the elders were happy about it.But this is alright. He can do that. So no...I don't know what to think....seeing the chaotic scrapes of the past, present,and the future is painful.....but I still don't know what to think about Lan Zhan.....he did save A-Yuan....tried to help, unfortunately only when it was too late....I'm confused. How can he love me when he didn't act like he did...or at least I didn't see it.I may have misunderstood his intentions during the war but it's not like I was thinking clearly or had anything to work with. A thing that would scream that all he wants to do is protect me.And most importantly what do I feel towards him?I always thought he was my zhiji. I still remember our first meeting. How my heart stopped when I saw him in a moonlight . The thrill I felt when we fought. I often think about him and the things I wanted to show him. I wanted him to look at me all the time. He is someone I respect the most.I don't like when he's hurt.I cherished all of my interactions with him no matter how short they were.I wanted him to visit me and let's be honest I do find him attractive...he is the most beautiful person I have ever seen.Maybe if we had more time we could have explored it....I know what I feel isn't exactly friendship....If we had time we could have started courting and see when it could get us...who knows maybe we would even get married.If I tried to save the Wen's with different methods would it work?I doubt it.They blamed them for not doing anything to stop Wen Ruohan when they did nothing too.What were they supposed to do? Take their shovels and attack him? If they tried to leave earlier who would give them shelter? They would send them back just to not bring Wen Ruohan ire towards themselves.They would be seen as ungrateful and traitors.No one would have helped them.For years Wens did what they wanted and they stayed silent.Only when Wen Ruohan finally attacked them they suddenly had a problem with it.The funniest thing is the fact that they justified they actions towards me by comparing me to Wen Sect.They didn't fear me.You don't antagonize a person you fear.You don't insult a person you fear especially to their face.You don't spread rumors about someone you fear. It's really funny...or maybe I really lost my mind.There is no reason to think about this anymore.It's too late now. I'm dead.There is no point to torture myself with what if's anymore.Maybe now I could finally rest.At least that's what I thought before I heard someone's voice .
"I see you finally came to terms with what happened."
I froze.I looked around myself but didn't see anyone.It was weird.Hearing a voice but not knowing where it comes from.
" What are you?Are you the one who brought me here?If yes then why?And why can't I see you? "
I asked hoping to get some information.I really don't like what is happening right now.
" That is correct...I brought you here.I wanted to show you what was,is and will be....as for why?The answer is simple because I can."
I'm sorry but is it some kind of joke?Because it can?Is my life now some sort of entertainment for others?
" What do you mean?"
" It's simple.I wanted you to see.You spend your whole life living for others and sacrificing yourself left and right.I wanted you to see if it was worth it."
What?Is it serious?I saw everything I believed in....my whole life....crumbling right before my eyes....because it wanted me ?
" Is it some kind of joke to you?"
" Does it really matter? I asked if it was worth it?"
This can't be happening to me.Nope.I'm done.Can't I have a break?Must I be tormented even in death?"
" Then it's as you said.I'm dead so it doesn't matter. You can't change what has happened."/p>
" And if you could?"/p>
" What do you mean? "
This thing can't mean what I think it does.
" Aren't you supposed to be a genius? "
Wait....does it mean....but it's impossible....Is that thing suggesting time travel to me?
" Thing? That's quite rude"
Oh....so it can hear my thoughts.
"Yes I can hear you very well. I won't tell you what I am. It's not like we're going to meet again anyway. Let's just say that I could help you a little."
Help me? Why?
" How can you help me? "
" I think I asked you a question first,it's rude not to answer. "
Question....what question? Oh...It means if it was worth it....a few years ago I would have said yes. But now...
" No.It wasn't worth it. I swore to always stay with justice and live without regrets but regrets are all I have left. While trying to do what was right I made more mistakes than I can count... Honestly I don't know why we are even talking. Why do you want to help me? I killed thousands of people."
" That's true. You did. But it was war. Everyone killed in it. And after war it's not like they were innocent either. They were the one who attacked you first. They were the ones who constantly provoked you and pushed you to lose control. You tried to do what's best in an impossible situation but I can give you a chance to fix it. Go back to the beginning and change your fate. Change your real family fate. "
It sounds too good to be true.
" Where's the catch?"/p>
" So you are smart after all."
Seriously it's testing my nerves more and more.
" Hahaha...you are really amusing you know? There is nothing you can do to me little one. But yes, I can't send you back for free. There is a price."
" And may I know what the price is?"/p>
" You."
What? What does it mean by me? How can I be the price if it plans to send me back...
" Hmmm...not exactly you but specifically your humanity and identity."
That makes absolutely no sense.
" My humanity? I won't be a human anymore? Is it what you're saying? "
So what....I'm going to be some animal or....a ghost....I really need more information than that.
"Yes. That's exactly what I'm saying."
" And my identity? What does it mean? Will I stop being Wei Ying?"
This is so confusing....what does my identity mean.
" Let's just say that you will always be Wei Ying but never again will you be Wei Wuxian."
That makes absolutely no sense. Instead of answers all I got is more questions.
" So,what will it be, little one? Are you going to attempt the impossible one more time or are you going to spend the rest of your very long life as a ghost in this void? "
I.... don't know... should I take the chance or not....Do I want to come back....but ...Wen Ning,my Didi....Wen Qing,my jiejie....popo...uncle four....A-Yuan...I can save them...I can save myself....I can meet Lan Zhan again....my zhiji...
" Yes...Yes I want to come back. I don't care about the price anymore. I'll do it....Please help me come back."
" Very well little one. I'm glad that you made that choice. Now close your eyes. I will take care of everything ".
I still think it's madness...but I will do as it says. As I close my eyes I hear a faint voice in my head
" Live your life well this time and as a bonus I will make sure you're not alone,my little fox."
After that there is nothing. I feel myself disappear but for some reason for the first time in years I feel warm.