Chapter Text
SULE’DIN
I tossed down my quill and sighed. I didn’t want to deal with correspondence anymore. I glanced up at where Solas sat behind his desk in his office, head bent to his own. The amount he dealt with on a daily basis made me wonder exactly how big his operations were. Lahn and his current batch of Sentinels were out in the training yard. Almost everyone except me spent time there daily. I itched to be able to fight next to my guys again. I stood and stretched. Solas glanced up and his gaze caught on the pretty, low necked chemise I wore as a shirt. The bodice pressed my breasts up pleasingly and I smiled at him with a head tilt. “Like it?”
I almost giggled when his gaze shot to my eyes and he turned pink.
“Apologies. And yes. It is quite attractive on you.”
I gathered my skirt and made my way over to him. He and Lahn had gotten me more spirit shards, but I still used my cane. The ferrule tapped against the stone tiles of Solas' office. I leaned against the side of his desk and said, “You can look at me, Solas. I like it. Knowing that just a low cut top can garner that kind of reaction from you is… healing in a way I don’t really know how to explain.”
He reached out and gently grasped my wrist to pull me closer. He let his gaze trace everything about me. And shivers of breathless pleasure swept through me at the heat in his eyes.
‘Careful looking at me like that, Vhen’an, or I’ll pounce.’
A sly grin slid over his features. ‘Alas. Poor me. Whatever shall I do? Being pounced by the el’vhen’lan I love more than words will ever be able to convey is truly the most wretched of fates.’
I pursed my lips before playing his game. I unlatched the leather around my wrist and braced my cane against his desk before hiking my skirts up over my knees and climbing into his lap.
I settled with my thighs on either side of his, my skirts falling in disarray. He shuddered and I frowned. ‘Is this okay?’
‘Of course, it’s okay. I… your touch, in the real… you affect me so strongly. I… haven’t been touched with gentleness except by you and Lahn in so long. You still take me by surprise. How deeply you can distract me.’
I lifted a hand to hover over his cheek. He pressed it close and glanced shyly up at me. ‘You needn’t ask for permission to touch me. Just know it’s pleasure, need, and lust that make me react. Nothing negative.’
“Ma serrana, ma'Vhen’an. For trusting me.” I slid my hand up to trace his bare ear. A gentle smile lifted the corners of my mouth when he closed his eyes and a tiny whimper escaped him. “Not teasing Rook today?”
He opened his eyes. Amusement swirled in the soft purple depths of them. “When did you figure it out?”
“The night Bull and Dorian came in. You’re not obvious about it. Not remotely, but Rook isn’t usually so easily distracted from gambling. The flash off your ring confirmed it.”
Solas slid his hands around my waist to tug me closer. “And here I thought you were involved in your conversation with Lahn.”
The heat of Solas’s hands against me made me catch my breath. "I can pay attention to several things at once.”
“I know. I watched you more than I should have at Halam’shi’r’a’l. The way you handled the politics, racism, and generalized atmosphere of a corrupt royal court impressed me.”
“I had to look up your hat in the memories. A modified Helm of the Drasca? Except it showed your ears. Double blow?" I chuckled and nuzzled under his chin. "Only you, Solas.”
Mirth painted his face. “What? Should I not make utterly obscure references mocking the bloodthirsty, wretched Orlesian's entire existence?”
I leaned closer and braced the back of my arms against his chest. I drew a sharp breath at the feel of him pressing into my breasts. “It’s good you didn’t tell me then. I’d never have been able to keep a straight face around those preening murderers.”
“You had enough to distract you.”
“You know, I did wonder where an apostate of such humble origins had learned to dance so well.”
A wry expression and lifted eyebrow preceded his answer. “I was definitely more than I presented myself to be.” Regret chased through his eyes.
“Don’t, love. We move forward. Letting the past inform us so we don’t make the same mistakes again.” I rubbed the tip of his nose with mine. “And if you’d told me you were the Dread Wolf any time before, say, the Siege of Adamant, I probably wouldn’t have believed you.”
He frowned. “Why then?”
“The way you move through the Fade. You’re so relaxed there, even in a body. You move like it’s your home. Probably because it is. Little things started jumping up and down in my awareness then. Your necklace. Several things you’d said. You out in the Promise, sitting up half the night to watch a wild wolf pack. The look of longing on your face.”
“I didn’t even know you were there.”
“I can move nigh silently over most terrains if I have to. Have you ever run with one?”
“A pack? No. Well, for short times. A day at most. I knew of all the packs around Ar’lath’an and visited occasionally.”
I tilted my head. “Can you understand them? In a language sort of way?”
“Visually, no more than anyone could by watching carefully. Wolves communicate with soft sounds we can’t hear, and by smell and touch as much as body language. So, in a way. It took me time to learn it. They have an immediacy to their language and being that I always found attractive. Minimal past. No future beyond the next hunt. Just the joys to be found that day.”
“Is that why you always seemed to like and respect them?"
He slid his hand around to play with my braid. “Mostly. Choosing wolf forms was also probably my first real rebellion against M'y'th'al. She hated it. Only dragons were suitable shifts for e’v’an’u’ris. Even Lahn was shocked. But she’d never set down any laws regarding what we chose, so…”
“So few freedoms. I’m proud of you for choosing that one for yourself.”
The tips of his ears turned pink. He looked down. ‘I… I am happy that you can feel pride for anything I did in the past.’
‘I’m proud of you, Solas. Then, now. You give so much of yourself to others. To no benefit to yourself. And you did even then.’
His brows lifted and his eyes widened.
I smiled softly and ran a gentle finger down his cheekbone and along the sharp line of his jaw. “I couldn’t keep away from you either. I had the memories. I kept away from things that were private, but I’ve watched a lot of your history. You won’t be able to convince me you were an evil bastard then any more than I could possibly believe you one now.”
“I’m not certain how embarrassed I should be about my wardrobe and prediliction toward collecting shiny things.”
I chuckled against his chest. “Not at all. You had excellent taste. And I’d never really looked at a lot of Lahn’s past, but you’re right. His wardrobe was far larger.”
“We were both young. As things were figured by the ancient El’vhen. The foolishness of youth, perhaps.”
“Well. I wouldn’t mind seeing you both dressed that way in person, if you don’t think it would bother either of you.”
Solas’s eyes crinkled at the sides. “That may be possible.” He snorted. “Let’s just make sure Rook is elsewhere or I’ll end up with a worse nickname than Prince Peacock.”
I rolled my eyes. “They’re such a brat. I’m sorry they’re so… augh.”
Solas’ gaze grew serious. “You needn’t apologize for your family. Any apologies due need to come from them. I think… I might have seen more of who they really are under that mask while we were stranded. Something about being amongst the Dalish seemed to strip some of Rook’s protections away. They’re so broken. I worry for them.”
“Even with how awful they are to you?”
He shrugged and lifted a gentle hand to tuck a strand of flyaway hair behind my ear. Seeing love in his eyes when he looked at me... that wasn't ever going to get old. “They are extremely important to people I dearly love.”
I sighed heavily. “Lahn and I worry, too. We’ve tried, for some years, to reach them past that wretched front they keep up. They relax around us, but every time something serious comes up, out come the verbal barbs.” I shook my head. “I love them deeply and won't ever stop fighting for them. I wish it weren’t the reality… but… sometimes you can only try to halt the fall. Sometimes people just won’t allow themselves to heal. I just wish I knew what exactly was the source of it. Or if it’s just a combination of everything they’ve been through.”
“I believe I may know. I mentioned it to Lahn and have been meaning to bring it up with you, too. Do the Dalish generally shun those sworn to walk in Shadow?”
My eyebrows climbed into my hairline, and hurt rolled through me. I’d seen several bookmarked tombs written by Dalish scholars on his desk, and thought Solas had been studying my people.
“How did I word that wrongly? You’re hurt. I am sorry.”
I softened a little, he’d sounded almost panicked that he’d hurt me.
I dropped my gaze and sat back a little. “I just… I saw the books and thought you’d been studying my people. That you could believe we’d reject some of our strongest, most honoured protectors does sting a little.”
‘Oh, my love, I needed to put more thought into how I brought this up. I’ll do better. No, it’s what Rook believes. May I share some memories with you?’
I frowned and nodded, why would Rook believe that?
By the time Solas had finished showing me the memories involved with Rook’s shunning, I trembled I was so angry. All hurt I’d felt at what I’d thought Solas believed had melted away. ‘That is nothing Dalish I’ve ever even heard about. Those who choose Shadow in order to protect us walk in honour among our people. That was something my mother learned after I’d left. Or it was her using the clan to manipulate Rook into staying and not swearing to walk in Shadow. She certainly wouldn’t be above such a tactic. She should’ve known Rook wouldn’t change their mind. They can take a bit making a decision but once it’s made, it might as well be carved in stone.’
My hand had fisted tightly in my lap and Solas gently lifted it to coax the fingers to release their white knuckled grip.
‘Keeper Oronevra said the same, as I showed you.’
“I have never been so angry at my mother in my entire life. How could she! After everything Rook had already been through!”
“I was certain you didn’t know, so was Lahn. I am sorry to be the bearer of information that causes you such pain.”
“It’s not pain, it’s white hot fury. My mother is getting an absolute earful the next time I see her.”
Solas gently tugged me into a hug and held me. His scent in my nose and the soothing circles he traced over my back slowly eased my anger. It would absolutely come back the second I saw my mother, but his touch let me put it away until then.
“I need to talk to Rook.”
“They’re currently torturing Valour in training, or perhaps it’s Valour doing the torturing. Peace tells me it’s hard to tell sometimes.”
“I’d love to meet Peace, if I can drag you away from this for a bit?”
He kissed my temple. “He’d like to meet you and Lahn, too. Lahn… well. But Peace is already moving toward the shelter hoping we’ll come out. T’would be rude to disappoint him.”
I nuzzled my nose and kissed behind Solas’ ear to that delightful little whimper and a satisfying shiver. I whispered in his ear. “I regret leaving such a perfect seat, but we mustn’t be rude. Ar lath ma, Solas.”
“Ar lath ma, Sule’din. And your particular seat is always happy to receive you.”
I wiggled a little as I eased off him. He kept a hand on my waist to steady me until I was sure of my balance. I attached my cane around my wrist and led the way outside.
Solas offered his arm so my cane wouldn’t dig into the turf and I snuggled his forearm to my breasts. He didn’t whimper but his ears turned pink.
I probably shouldn’t take so much enjoyment out of that but it was truly so nice to know for certain that he wanted me, and wanted me with him. Ever since he'd left me behind, twice, my confidence in any caring I'd thought he'd had for me had suffered.
We made our way into the shelter with its smoothly cobbled floor. I used my cane again and let Solas go so he could go greet his friend. Who was probably the largest bloody halla on the face of Alas. I just couldn’t grasp how large he was.
Solas cupped Peace’s jaw and they braced their foreheads together for several moments.
When they lifted their heads I giggled. “You have matching eyes.”
Solas smiled with amusement. “That we do.”
I went toward Peace and let him give me a good snuffle. “It’s good to meet you, Peace. You’ve picked a wonderful friend.”
Solas’ ears turned pink again and he said, “Peace said, ‘of course he did.’
“Poor you.” I sent him an incredibly false face of empathy. “To be loved. I’m certain you’ll find a way to survive.”
He cast me a wry glance.
Bells sounded from behind me just before a nose delicately nudged me. I turned to find myself bracketed by Peace and another of the behemoth hallas. This one had the more usual dark as night eyes. My eyes widened. “Are you sure?” I flushed and held up my stump. “I’m not…”
The halla poked me in the chest again and my throat tightened up. I cupped my hand over my mouth as tears of joy spilled over. I nodded rapidly in acceptance. I couldn’t wait until we could talk with each other.
Jangling came from behind me and I turned as an even bigger halla came trotting into the gargantuan shelter. Rook on his back. Rook sneered at Solas before they caught sight of me. Then they smoothed out their expression.
“You too, Sule?”
I nodded. Still choked up. But I shook it off and with a delicate touch to my halla’lan’s face I went over to where Rook was sliding down off of who must be Valour.
“I know you don’t like touch, and can I please give you a hug?”
Rook turned with a faint frown and then nodded.
I pulled them tightly to me. “The Dalish honour and respect those sworn to Shadow. Mother and our clan lied to you. I will find out why. I had no idea, I’m so sorry, da’len.”
They let out a little, shakey breath that was all they’d let themselves show. “Ma serrana ar dir'th'era'ma." (Thank you for telling me.) They pulled back. “It never occurred to me to ask you. I was just so relieved you didn’t treat me differently.”
I shook my head. “I can’t believe mother. Or the rest of them going along with it! What were they thinking!”
“I’ve asked myself that a million times. I’ve never gone home again.”
“Understandably! Augh!”
Rook chuckled. “I think you’re more pissed than me.”
“It’s news to me. You’ve had time to get used to it.”
They bobbed their head in agreement. Then turned to unbuckle the girth strap. “Valour, this is my sister, Sule’din. Sule'din, the most dazzling halla in the herd, Valour. What? I am not mocking you. No, I’m not. You are dazzling.”
Rook turned to put the saddle pad into its place. They rolled their eyes at me. “You try to pay some males compliments.”
Valour snorted and stamped behind us.
“You certainly have your hands full.”
“He tells me he has his horns full. Which still makes no bloody sense.”
“Oh. I’ve no doubt he does.”
“I could get some more jack-burr seeds.”
“L’in’dir’an’a’e, don’t you dare.”
They snorted, knowing they’d won. I turned around to go spend time with my patiently waiting halla’lan.