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Published:
2024-12-22
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1/1
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Lan Qiren's very bad, no good day

Summary:

They weren't even halfway through the journey when the silence in the cabin was shattered by a loud gasp of surprise. Instinctually Lan Qiren turned to look. He stared, uncomprehending, at the wetness staining the passenger seat. Then he kept staring in mute horror.

“Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?!”

Notes:

I wrote this with teenji in mind, but age is never mentioned so he can be as old as you want him to be I suppose.

Don't worry about the childbirth tag, there's nothing graphic. And also, this is a cryptic pregnancy, so not even Lan Wangji knew he was preggie.

The original idea was to make this a comedy, but after writing it it turned out more dark and angsty that I wanted, so I went back and rewrote some stuff, but if the humor doesn't land then you know why

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

“A-Zhan, are you sure you are okay?”

A plate of uneaten food sat in front of his nephew. He had been pushing the rice around for the past 10 minutes.

"Yes, uncle.”

Lan Qiren did not believe him. For starters, those words had been uttered with effort, through gritted teeth; he was also hunched over, his unoccupied arm clutching at his stomach. For the past few weeks he had shown other strange symptoms, but A-Zhan had insisted they were nothing to worry about, and Lan Qiren had believed him. Now, it was obvious he was unwell—abdominal pain suggested a possible severe infection—and though he understood his nephew's dislike of doctors and clinics, it was clear he needed medical attention.

“Change, I'm taking you to the hospital.”

“But brother will be here soon.”

“Your brother will be fine by himself for a couple of hours.”

What followed was not the usual glare and annoyed huffing that preceded each of A-Zhan's doctor's appointments but a resigned sigh and the scrape of the chair over the hard floor. Lan Qiren stared in growing concern at his retreating back. He shook his head as if to dispel his gloomy thoughts, picked their dirty dishes and went to get the car out.

 

They weren't even halfway through the journey when the silence in the cabin was shattered by a loud gasp of surprise. Instinctually Lan Qiren turned to look. He stared, uncomprehending, at the wetness staining the passenger seat. Then he kept staring in mute horror. A honk, a dangerous swerve to the right into gravel and some uncharacteristic swearing later found them parked on the side of the road, car in one piece but with two flat tires.

“Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?!”

A-Zhan had sat in frightened silence throughout the whole ordeal, but this finally got a reaction out of him. He whipped to look at Lan Qiren with comically wide eyes.

“You didn't know? A-Zhan!” He held him by the shoulders, jostling him a little, but Lan Qiren himself was shaking, it couldn't be helped. “Who did this to you? Tell me who took advantage of you!”

A-Zhan opened his mouth but no sound came out. Suddenly he doubled over with a groan. Lan Qiren waited impatiently for the contraction to finish.

“A-Zhan, who is the father?”

His nephew tried to avoid his gaze but Lan Qiren was not losing this argument, he stubbornly moved into his line of sight every single time. Finally, defeated, A-Zhan sighed.

“...Wei Ying”

Lan Qiren couldn't believe it. That boy. That infuriating, annoying boy had defiled his nephew and had gotten him pregnant, even after he had threatened him to stay away from his A-Zhan. Oh Lan Qiren was going to make him pay. “I told you to stop associating with him! Or did he force you?”

“No! Uncle please. I was the one who sought him out!”

A-Zhan flushed at the implication in his words, but didn't back down. Not until another contraction hit and he doubled over.

“It hurts,” he admitted in a small voice. 

Lan Qiren gave into the emotional manipulation, because, after all, it was true that they were in the middle of a less than ideal situation. Deciding their fight could wait, he regained his composure and focused on the task at hand. He took out his phone, opened the clock app and counted. Three minutes later, A-Zhan clutched at his stomach again, whimpering. This was bad. 

“A-Zhan, get on the back, I'm going to get some things from the trunk.”

He didn't wait for an answer, he climbed out of the car and dialed emergencies. They told him they could be there in thirty, Lan Qiren stared at the single spare tire available and guessed they had no other option but to wait. He felt panic rise and ruthlessly stomped it down. It was going to be fine, he was more than capable of keeping his nephew and grandbaby alive for half an hour. He sent a quick prayer to his late sister-in-law. No doubt she would find the situation hilarious but he hoped she could protect her son as well.

A-Zhan was already waiting for him in the backseat, forehead pearling with sweat, complexion pale and shaky. Lan Qiren tried to exude a confidence he did not feel for both of their sakes.

“A-Zhan, an ambulance is on its way, but while they come, we'll have to handle this ourselves.”

“Uncle, but—”

Another contraction, this one lasted a little longer.

“Your contractions are too close to each other. Even if we had functioning tires, we are still too far away from the hospital to make it on time. You will have to trust me.”

“I don't— I can't—”

“We do not have another option.” 

His words hung heavy in the air between them. A-Zhan looked everywhere but at him, his breath picked up speed and he started to scratch at his forearms. Alarmed, Lan Qiren climbed into the backseat with him. 

“A-Zhan, listen to me,” he held his wrists in a firm grip. The fingernails were bloody, he had been picking at them as well. “I know this is sudden and you are scared, but I need you to follow my lead so both you and the baby can be alright.”

“The baby…” Both looked at his almost flat stomach. Lan Qiren had the bizarre urge to laugh.

“Yes, the baby. Now please, take off your pants and then curl into your side. Put this underneath,” he passed the old blanket, “and you can cover yourself with my jacket.”

Once the baby decided it was time, Lan Qiren would have no choice but to help deliver it. For now though, he could still give his nephew a little bit of privacy.

He saw A-Zhan settle, soothed him with a hand in his hair for some minutes, gave him a stress ball to shred instead of his body and then went out to call his other nephew.

“Uncle, hi! I'm like forty-five minutes away. I was actually about to call you, do you need me to pick something from the store, I could get down a few stops early to get it.”

“A-Huan, we are not home, something….came up.”

Silence. 

“Something? Uncle, is everything okay?”

He heard A-Zhan’s muffled groans and decided to get to the point.

“Your brother's illness was actually a pregnancy. We were on route to the hospital when his water broke, we are now on the side of the road waiting for the ambulance.”

He left out the part where they almost crashed, he didn't want to cause A-Huan any unnecessary stress.

From the other side of the line he heard a yelp, then a hard thump, some cursing and finally, his nephew's high pitched voice screaming: “He's pregnant?!” He was promptly shushed by whom Lan Qiren assumed were other commuters. Then softer, “Uncle, I don't understand. How could he be pregnant?”

“He was disobedient and allowed that Wei boy to take advantage of him.”

“Oh heavens.”

A guttural cry from inside the car almost made Lan Qiren drop his phone as well. “I need to go. Come to the town's hospital, we will be there”

“Alright uncle, please…please take care.”

Unable to make any promises, he simply hung up.

He found A-Zhan holding onto the driver and backseat metal headrests with white-knuckled fists. Big fat tears made a track down his cheeks. Lan Qiren's anger and indignation immediately melted away at the sight of his nephew's obvious distress.

“Uncle, I think it is coming.”

Alright. It was fine. Lan Qiren could do this. He had done it once already and the birth had been a success. He could certainly do it one more time. He fished for the rubbing alcohol he always kept in the glove compartment, cleaned his hands and climbed inside with his nephew.

“Can you feel something?”

A-Zhan's glassy eyes settled on him. He looked so lost. “I think so.” Lan Qiren brushed back his sweaty bangs, left his hand over his shoulder trying to offer comfort.

“Alright. I don't think you're in the pushing state yet, but if you do feel the urge, don't fight it. For now try to relax.”

A-Zhan stared at him in disbelief, as if asking how he could possibly relax in a situation such as this, but he closed his eyes and started breathing through the pain. Lan Qiren dabbed at his forehead and offered small sips of water between the contractions. It was about fifteen minutes into this that the quality of the contractions changed. This time A-Zhan cried out with effort and pain.

It was time.

A-Zhan had never been a loud child. He hadn't even cried when he broke his arm a few years ago. It made the experience of listening to him now, scream in pain and terror, a harrowing one. Lan Qiren wanted to weep for the first time in years. But he had a role to fulfill here, so he swallowed his anguish and tended to his nephew as he cried through his contractions.

The minutes passed by like this, but there didn't seem to be any progress. Lan Qiren was starting to panic, wondering if maybe the baby was not in position, if they would suffocate before someone could take them out. Or if his nephew was going to tear inside and bleed out before the ambulance could arrive. 

“Uncle, I can't do this. I need to—”

His grip had slackened, his lips were bloodless. 

“A-Zhan, don't give up.” He closed his eyes and breathed deep once, twice. “I need to check.”

He palmed at his stomach first, tried to feel the shape of the fetus but he was no midwife, he couldn't tell if something was wrong. Then, with a choked apology, reached under the jacket and tried to check for the baby's progress. A-Zhan jerked and made a wounded sound but didn't move away.

“I think I can feel it A-Zhan, maybe we just need to move you. Get on your knees, hold onto the backseat.”

A-Zhan's legs were trembling badly, so he had to hold him as he pushed once more, but the change had been the answer. Some minutes later Lan Qiren was swaddling his new grandbaby with his jacket, while a very tired nephew leaned into his side for support. This time he couldn't stop the tears from falling, but everyone else inside the car was doing so as well, he didn't feel quite as self-conscious. What's more, he heard sirens in the distance and started laughing with pure, unbridled relief.

 

As they traveled towards the hospital, A-Zhan's phone—that he had entrusted to him as the ambulance picked them up—started vibrating in his pocket. The caller ID was a single heart emoji. Well, no doubt who that was. Lan Qiren smile was sharp as he picked up. It was time for that boy to take responsibility.

 

Notes:

Yes, the other birth he helped assist was Mama Lan's when she was pregnant with Lan Zhan. He came full circle 🤭

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