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The Delusion had not been kind to Diluc's body.
It had caused nothing but destruction and death the three years he used it, and even when he stopped, it had left its mark. It had burned scars on his left arm and given him muscle spasms. At times, his left hand would shake uncontrollably, and his arm would flare up in pain. His paranoia was only heightened by the Delusion whispering to him in the back of his mind, telling him all the people he had hurt who wanted revenge for what he had done. It kept him awake at night, reminding him of all his sins so he would never forget what a monster he truly was and how he deserved everything that was thrown his way. Most of the time, he could drown it out, putting music on to help him sleep or get through paperwork, but sometimes the Delusion was loud. Sometimes, he lay in his bed and stared at the ceiling, listening to it and recalling the memories it brought up. Everything it was saying was right, anyway.
After a long, sleepless night when his mind was exhausted and vulnerable, it spoke to him. It described the atrocities he had committed along with the gruesome details he had repressed, forcing him to relive those memories. It always led to Diluc having panic attacks.
As the Winery demanded more of him and his need to protect the city grew stronger, he became increasingly exhausted. The panic attacks went from once every other week to once every other day, and he was constantly distracted or on edge, unable to get work done. Adelinde noticed and forced him to see a psychiatrist.
Diluc was worried that if he went to bartend and had a panic attack, Kaeya would see how pathetic and sad he was, hell, maybe even laugh at him. The Delusion reinforced his thoughts, telling him Kaeya wishes he was dead and that if he saw him panicking, he would finish the job and kill him. Logically, that wasn't true, but Diluc sure as hell believed it. To avoid the fake scenario he created, he reluctantly agreed to go to the psychiatrist.
The doctor prescribed him a strong anti-anxiety medication that also helped with muscle spasms. Whenever he felt anxious, or his left arm flared up, he took one and felt the effects soon after. He was hesitant to take it at first, but after it helped him calm down during a panic attack, he began to use it as prescribed. It was a godsend. He wasn't worried about panicking at the Angel's Share or making Adelinde freak out anymore. Now, he could deal with his problem, and no one—except for Adelinde—had to know.
Adelinde was the only person who knew about his medicine, but she didn't know how often he used it. She was much more trusting than Diluc and believed him when he said he wasn't taking too many.
───※ ·☆· ※───
Even with the medicine, Diluc was exhausted.
He sat at his desk, resting his head on the palm of his hand as he read through the invoices given to him earlier by Elzer. His eyelids were heavy, and his hair draped over his shoulders and down his back, not bothering to put it up. He hadn't slept in a couple of days, which made him increasingly anxious. His solution was to take his medicine like a child with candy, taking more than he should and relying on it to help him push through his exhaustion. The downside was becoming painfully clear—he was developing a tolerance to the drug, and it had begun to lose its efficiency. His pill container, a small, thin tin container that was always in his breast pocket, was empty, and he couldn't get a refill for another week. He would have to ask for a higher dosage next time he goes in, but he dreaded the idea of asking.
Earlier that day, something small had led to him becoming overwhelmed and having a panic attack. When he frantically rushed into his bedroom to take his medicine, he found it empty, which only served to make him panic more. He had been fortunate that Adelinde hadn't heard him, which relieved him. The last thing he wanted was to feel like a burden, and whenever she had to comfort him during a panic attack, he felt immense guilt afterward. Diluc hated the idea of being dependent on someone. He preferred to rely on the small pills he believed he could simply stop taking whenever he wanted.
"Master Diluc?" Diluc slowly raised his head, rubbing his eyes and looking at Adelinde. "You're bartending tonight, correct? I just want to make sure so I can set a plate of dinner aside for you." She asked, and he nodded as he stretched in his chair, his neck cracking.
"I should be back late tonight. Just leave a cover on it, please," He said, and Adelinde smiled before leaving. Once she left, he grabbed the container from his breast pocket and opened it, scowling when he remembered it was empty. Diluc grabbed a notepad and scribbled a reminder to get more before burying himself in his work, bouncing his knees as he did so.
───※ ·☆· ※───
"Master Diluc! Can we get another round?" A group of Knights called from their overcrowded table in the corner of the tavern. They had been there for an hour or two, celebrating a successful mission, ordering rounds and rounds of drinks. Diluc let out a long sigh, nodding towards them. He looked forward to seeing their faces when he showed them their tab when they were ready to leave. He began making their drinks, putting them at the end of the counter when finished so the Knights could stumble over to grab them. He didn't realize he was scowling until he caught Kaeya perched on a barstool, staring at him and mocking his scowl. When they made eye contact, the Calvary Captain couldn't hold the face and burst into laughter alongside a drunk Venti, leaning back on his stool. Rosaria cracked a smile and took another sip of her drink, rolling her eyes at Kaeya's antics.
The tavern was loud, especially at this time on a Saturday. The air was filled with laughter and conversation, with people chugging their drinks. Diluc took a deep breath and hummed when Kaeya and Rosaria asked for refills, getting right on it.
As he reached for the small container nestled in his breast pocket, an instinctual habit that had become second nature, he froze momentarily—the hollow weight reminded him that it was empty. No one noticed, and he just moved on, falling back into his rhythm. He grabbed their drinks and handed them to the duo. His left hand was beginning to shake violently as he placed it in front of Rosaria, spilling a drop of it. She looked him up and down before taking a sip, narrowing her eyes at him.
Sweat trickled down his back, and he swallowed hard to try and get rid of the lump in his throat. Everything was too much— too overwhelming. The ache in his arm intensified with each passing minute, and he could hear the Delusion's whispering grow louder and louder until the noise from the patrons couldn't drown it out anymore.
"You doing alright there, Master Diluc?" Kaeya said with a playful grin. The redhead was too tired to deal with him and ignored his question, continuing to make drinks. His left arm was trembling now, and he shoved his hand into his pocket as if that would stop it. The Delusion was calling his name, telling him sweet lies about how he would feel much better if he used it. He ignored it. Using it wouldn't solve anything right now, only make everything much worse. Maybe later. For now, he just needed a break. Diluc clenched his jaw shut to suppress a groan as he dug his nails into his palm, his left arm shaking uncomfortably. As soon as all the orders were fulfilled, he claimed he was out of whiskey and fled to the storage room. Kaeya's gaze followed him before he glanced over at the rows of liquor, eyeing the full whiskey bottle, but remained silent and let Diluc go.
Diluc shut the door behind him and slid down against it, clenching his teeth and hissing in pain. He rolled up his left sleeve and pulled off his glove. His left arm was limp by his side but felt as if it had been set on fire. He squeezed his eyes shut, covering his mouth with his right hand so no one heard him. The door rattled as he pressed his feet against the ground and pushed his back against the door, squirming to try and escape the pain, but it was futile. Nothing was working.
When he opened his eyes, he was in an abandoned house, seeking shelter from the relentless snow. Columbina stood before him with an unsettling smile, staring through his soul with partially covered, shut eyes. There was blood staining her beautiful dress. His blood. His weathered clothing was covered with blood, some being his, but most of it was from others. Others that he had slaughtered mercilessly. He was shivering, lips blue and teeth chattering as he stared up at her.
"No need to be afraid, birdie," Columbina said, reaching out toward him as she moved closer. "You'll still be able to think and feel, but your body will not be yours to control." Her hand got closer and closer to his forehead, and right before she grabbed him, Diluc moved out of the way, attempting to crawl away, but he could only get to the other corner. She was going to brainwash him. Make him her pet. He had to attempt to fight back, but how could he? His injuries were too severe. There were two deep cuts across his back, and his left arm had been broken— snapped in half, the bone visible through the blood. The Delusion was pale and useless at this moment. He cursed the Gods if any were out there watching him for their entertainment.
Columbina clicked her tongue and watched his pitiful attempt to escape the inevitable. He sat up against the wall, looking at her with wide, blood-red eyes that contrasted against his sickly pale skin. Her smile grew wider, and he began to pathetically weep.
"I wish I had eyes like yours. Maybe Dottore could work something out," She said, and Diluc let out a terrified whimper. Columbina began to laugh, and he just cried harder. Her laughter stopped abruptly. She knelt before him, cupping his face and wiping away his tears.
"Please don't cry, my sweet owl. You will be alright. I just like to joke," She said, pushing his greasy, crimson locks out of his face. Diluc cringed away from her touch, but there was no escape. He could not stop this in any way. He could either close his eyes or watch, but the outcome would not change.
"Don't kill him," Arlecchino said indifferently, standing in the doorway with her bloody scythe. His blood coated the blade. He tainted everything. Everything. Columbina scoffed, glancing over her shoulder.
"How little do you think of me?" The Harbinger said before looking back at the monster whose head she was cradling like a fragile vase. Then her eyes opened, and his mind went blank and quiet. Her eyes were completely white, shining into his own. All he could see was white. White everywhere. No color, no sound, just a blinding white invading all of his senses. All he could do was stare back. When she began to hum, his eyes rolled into the back of his head. The sound was eerily calming, but he felt like his soul was being ripped from his body. He couldn't feel anything anymore. Not the pain in his back nor the pain in his arm. It was all numbness controlled by Columbina. His body was limp, but she just kept holding onto his face, humming.
"Diluc," Someone said, and the grip on his face tightened. She was going to kill him if she kept this up. It was as if she was pulling all the air from his lungs. Was this how he died? He couldn't breathe. He couldn't see. He couldn't do anything but—
"Diluc!"
Diluc blinked and realized he was in the tavern, lying on the floor in the storage closet. Someone was holding his face, and he roughly shoved them off, a terrified cry being ripped from his throat. He tried to get up to run, but his legs were weak, and he felt lightheaded. He fell to his knees and curled up in a corner, staring at the person through blurry vision. The person got in his line of sight, and he realized it was his brother.
Kaeya was before him, gently grabbing his face and talking to him, but Diluc couldn't hear a word he was saying. Tears fell from his eyes but were quickly wiped away. He looked scared— no, worried for him. His chest was heaving, and he quickly realized he was hyperventilating. He pushed himself to sit up more, crying out at the pain in his left arm. Diluc scratched at his arm, trying to pull the Delusion off, but it wasn't on there in the first place. He dug his nails into the skin over and over till he began bleeding.
"Take it off! Take it off!" Diluc screamed, trying to tug off the imaginary glove. Kaeya grabbed his right hand to stop him, telling him over and over nothing was on his arm.
"Diluc, focus on me," The younger said, but Diluc didn't listen, glancing over to see the door to the storage closet was wide open. What if someone heard him? What if the Fatui found him and brought him back? He swore there had been a couple of them that had ordered drinks before sitting upstairs. They were here to take him back. Diluc tried to get up before he was forced to sit down, Kaeya grabbing his shoulders and then his face so he would focus on him.
"Rosaria escorted everyone out before she left. There's no reason to be worried about someone seeing." Kaeya explained, and the redhead looked at him, eyebrows furrowed as he struggled to breathe. He quickly reached to grab the container in his breast pocket, popping it open to see nothing. It was empty. It had been empty, and remembering there was no immediate relief scared him. He had to deal with it like a grown-up. He tossed the container to the side, clutching his chest. Kaeya glanced at the empty container but decided he would ask later.
"Can't do it— Can't, Kae'—!" The nickname slipped out, but he was too panicked to notice. He curled in on himself, shaking his head and stifling a cry. If he was too loud, someone would find him. Columbina would find him.
"Yes, you can. I know you can do it. Just repeat after me," Kaeya said before taking exaggerated deep breaths. Diluc tried to mimic him, staring at him with wide eyes. Slowly but surely, his breathing evened out. He was still on edge, but he wasn't panicking anymore. He put his head back against the wall, scratching at his left arm to try and quell the itching that replaced the ache. Before he could make himself bleed again, Kaeya stopped him, gently grasping his wrist.
"Do you want to talk about it? About what happened?"
"No," He said quickly, voice shaky. Columbina forbade him to speak of what she had done to him, saying she would kill him if she found out. It didn't matter; he wouldn't spring that on Kaeya anyway. It was too much. He brought his knees to his chest and stared at the floor. "It was just a flashback."
"Just a flashback? Diluc, when I found you, I thought you were dying. You were sobbing on the floor, crawling away from the door like I was going to kill you," Kaeya said, and Diluc said nothing. He had always been elusive, dodging questions however he could. The captain huffed and grabbed the empty container. "And do you wanna explain what this is? Why did you grab it mid-panic attack?"
"Kaeya, please," Diluc said, running his hand down his face. The last thing he wanted to do right now was explain why he was taking anti-anxiety medication to his brother. He never wanted Kaeya to see this side of him. The weak, pathetic, vulnerable side caused by his time in Snezhnaya, the nation of love but the land of the unforgiving.
"Diluc," he said sternly, almost sounding like Adelinde. He wanted Diluc to talk to him and explain what was happening, but he was stubborn. Kaeya observed the container and flipped it to look at the bottom. Adelinde had glued on the directions as a reminder not to take too many. He recognized its name instantly, his breath catching in his throat.
"How long have you been taking these?" Kaeya asked, eye wide. The redhead shrugged, furrowing his brows. When Kaeya made eye contact again, something had changed.
"A couple of months. Why?" He asked, sitting up more. His brother looked worried. More than he did before.
"I had to take these for a while."
There was a long silence, and Diluc wracked his brain, trying to remember when Kaeya took pills, and then it hit him. It had to have been after he left. He had to take them because of the pain and suffering Diluc left behind as a parting gift before he fled like a coward. He said nothing and stared at the eyepatch, a knot forming in his throat. The Delusion began whispering to him, sinking its claws into his brain. How could Kaeya even look at him right now? He burned him. He burned his little brother and left him to die in the rain after divine intervention stopped him from killing him first. There was no reason for him to be helping him. Why did he care enough to comfort him? Diluc wasn't there when Kaeya needed it. He didn't deserve the comfort. Not with his blood-stained hands.
"I became reliant, and it almost ended horribly. I don't want the same to happen to you. You… You need to stop taking these as soon as possible—"
"Why do you care what happens to me? You should hate me for what I did," Diluc snapped with a scowl. Kaeya almost flinched at the harshness. He furrowed his brow, looking at the redhead like he was crazy.
"Hate you?" He asked, scoffing, "I don't hate you. I— I forgave you a long time ago. What happened wasn't your fault. I don't blame you for anything that happened." Kaeya admitted, looking hurt at his words. Good. That's what Diluc wanted. He wanted to build a wall between the two of them. Kaeya gained nothing from being close to him except guilt and suffering. He was better off without Diluc in his life.
"You should blame me. I don't want your forgiveness," Diluc said, pushing himself to his feet and shoving the empty container in his pocket. Hopefully, he could get more tomorrow and not relive this experience.
"Why do you want me to hate you?" Kaeya asked, getting up so they were face to face. He was going to keep pushing until he got the answer he wanted. He had done that when they were children, too—when he had finally come out of his shell. But that was all in the past now. Diluc had no right to look back on those memories.
"Drop it," Diluc said, walking out of the storage closet, only for Kaeya to follow close behind him as he cleaned up. Diluc tried to ignore him so he would just leave him alone, but Kaeya was as stubborn as he was.
"No, I'm not going to just drop it. Why should I hate you? Is it because you hate me?"
"No, it's not—"
"Want me to take your cold hatred towards me and act the same way towards you?" His words were getting harsher as his anger became hard to control. It always seemed that he lost his temper around Diluc. "I can do that if you just told me why I should hate you—!
"Because I fucking deserve it, Kaeya! I hurt you so terribly that you had to take the same medicine I'm taking now for my panic attacks!" Diluc finally shouted. Kaeya stopped, staring at him silently. He didn't shout back. He didn't laugh or mock him. He just... stood there.
He wasn't getting the reaction he wanted from Kaeya, which only made him more frustrated. He wanted Kaeya to yell at and scream at him and tell him how horrible of a person he was, but he wasn't doing that. He took a step back and looked him up and down, confused as to why he wasn't yelling back, and then Kaeya spoke up,
"I know what's going through your mind right now. I dealt with it while I took the same meds you're taking now. It's like I can read your mind," Kaeya said softly, "I get it—"
"No, you don't! You don't get it! Not the horrible thoughts born from using the Delusion, not the intense urge I have to fight, and certainly not the detailed, gruesome flashbacks I have to experience almost every day. You don't understand any of that, and I hope you never do," Diluc snapped, eyes stinging with tears that he blinked away. He took a deep breath, not wanting to get too wrapped up in his emotions.
"You don't get it. You will never get it." Diluc said, exhausted and defeated. That's when Kaeya decided not to push it anymore. The redhead seemed exhausted and more annoyed than anything else, and Kaeya didn't feel like being yelled at anymore. He sighed, grabbed his coat off the coat rack, and walked out without another word. As soon as the door shut, Diluc sighed, looking at his left arm.
The cuts from scratching weren't deep, and the blood had dried. The wounds would heal over time, but that didn't mean they didn't hurt now. Without any medical supplies, they would still heal, just not as fast. He needed to use something to force it to heal faster than it wanted to.
Diluc checked to make sure the container was in his pocket before grabbing the first aid kit.
───※ ·☆· ※───
Diluc got home late, exhausted and numb. His mind was loud, and he could do nothing to quiet it. He shut the door behind him as he walked in, rubbing his eyes and hanging up his coat. Adelinde walked down the stairs in her pajamas, smiling at him.
"Sorry for waking you, Addie," He muttered, sitting at the dining room table but not the head of the table. Never at the head of the table.
"You didn't wake me. I've gotten used to staying up late to make sure you return home alright," Adelinde patted him on the shoulder, going to grab his dinner. She had seen every side of him and never once judged. Ever since he returned, she had always been there if he needed it. Even when he didn't want her help. Even when the guilt ate him alive for having someone help. He buried his face in his hands with his elbows on the table, shutting his eyes. If only he had his medicine.
"Master Diluc?" Adelinde said softly, and he moved his hands, looking up at her. She put the plate of food down before sitting in the chair beside him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Are you feeling okay?"
"I'll be fine. I just ran out of my medicine and freaked out at the tavern, but it was nothing serious," He said, showing her the empty container. There was a small dent from him tossing it away from him, but it wasn't like it was the only dent. She paused momentarily, taking it in her hand and looking at the back of it, narrowing her eyes.
"You only got this less than a week and a half ago. It's supposed to last 3 weeks," Adelinde stated, and his heart stopped for a second. Damn. He thought he could get away with it, but that was a foolish thought. She knew every little detail about him. Nothing was going to slip by her. The concerned look on her face made him avert his gaze. His desperation made him stupid.
"How many have you been taking a day?" She asked, and he didn't answer. He didn't want to answer. He was ashamed. "Diluc, look at me," Her voice was gentle yet stern. He slowly looked at her, swallowing hard. She held up the container, and he swore he saw tears in her green eyes. "How many of these have you been taking a day?" She reiterated, emphasizing each word.
"I'm sorry," Diluc mumbled, voice cracking. Addie waited a moment more before shaking her head, getting up, and putting it in her pocket. She was beginning to pace, and he grew more anxious by the second. It was rare to see her pace or be frustrated with him. Memories of Crepus pacing before him as he cowered on the ground flashed through his mind. He hadn't thought about that in a while. Things had been getting better.
"I can't believe you. You told me— No, you promised that you wouldn't become reliant on these things—"
"It's not my fault! I just— One stopped working, so I had to take two, and then, if my panic attack was bad enough, maybe another," Diluc said, words trailing off into a quiet mumble, but she heard it all too well.
"You've been taking three at a time?!" Adelinde shouted, and he said nothing, looking down. The Delusion was whispering to him, loud enough that he could hear it alongside her. He wanted nothing more than to shut it up.
"You're not getting any more of these. I'm going to your doctor tomorrow and will talk to him about it. That's final," She said, pinching the bridge of her nose. Diluc scowled, an expression he never wore around her.
She hates you. That's why she's doing this. She wants to see you suffer and laugh at you.
"Addie, you can't do that. I need these!" Diluc said, getting up from the table. She scoffed at his persistence. This was the first time she had been angry at him.
"If you take more, you'll overdose and kill yourself! I'm not letting you do that," Adelinde said, and the Delusion only got louder.
Diluc, she doesn't care about you. Don't you see that now?
"Diluc, I'm doing this because I care. This is the only way. I'm sorry, but it has to be done," she said, taking a step forward and tone softer. It was unlike her to yell. She always hated yelling, especially at her boys.
She doesn't love you. How could she love something like you?
"You know I love you, don't you?" Adelinde said, and he said nothing.
She's lying. She's a traitor.
"No, shut up—" Diluc muttered, squeezing his eyes shut and covering his ears as if that would quiet the Delusion. Adelinde furrowed her brows, taken aback.
"Excuse me?" she said, walking closer, noticing he was clearly distressed in some way. Diluc never talked back to her in such a manner. It was out of character. She put a hand on his shoulder. "Are you alright?" Adelinde asked, now very concerned at his silence.
She's a liar, Diluc. She's just like Kaeya and Crepus. They both claimed to love you, but they never did, and you know it. She hates you and never ever cared for you and wants you dead and—
"Just shut up already!" Diluc yelled, shoving her away from him and stepping back until he backed into the table. He was shaking and breathing heavily. Slowly, he opened his eyes, and his heart dropped. He had pushed Adelinde to the ground. She stared up at him, and he knew the look on her face. He was sure Crepus had seen the same look from him many times when he was abusing Diluc.
She was scared of him.
Diluc opened and closed his mouth, the words he desperatley wanted to say getting stuck in his throat as tears blurred his vision Slowly, he knelt in front of her, a realization of what he had done come crashing down on him like an avalanche. He broke down, sobs wracking through his body as he curled inwards on himself. Adelinde hesitated for a moment before moving to sit beside him, rubbing his back and leaning down to comfort him.
"It's alright. Shh, it's okay. It's okay, Diluc," She whispered, kissing his head softly. He slowly sat up, and she pulled him in for a tight hug. A cry was pulled from the depths of his poisoned soul, and he gripped the back of her shirt, burying his face in her shoulder.
"I'm so sorry, Adelinde—" Diluc cried, and she said nothing, holding him tighter. He continued to cry, the weight of his guilt only making him cry harder. "I didn't mean to, I swear. I'm so sorry—!"
He had no clue how long they sat there. Diluc's knees began to numb from the wood floor beneath them while he clung to her for solace and a sliver of forgiveness. Even though she had forgiven him, the tears kept flowing. No matter how many times she wiped off his face, the tears never seemed to stop. Adelinde didn't mind. She just rocked back and forth while she held him, hoping and praying that her son would be alright.
───※ ·☆· ※───
The next day, Diluc had to work at the tavern again and dreaded seeing Kaeya. All he could do was delay the inevitable.
When the younger walked in with a smile, Diluc said nothing. He hated this. He hated that Kaeya knew that vulnerable side of him. That wasn't something anyone was ever supposed to see except for Adelinde. They had to act like nothing happened. That they both didn't know what was going on in Diluc's brain.
Kaeya looked down at the drink placed in front of him, flashing a smile at his brother despite the tension hanging in the air. Ever since he found out about the medicine, their dynamic had shifted. Kaeya knew how he felt and how his mind worked, but now it scared him. Diluc was now an open book; every thought, every flicker, or emotion was laid bare before Kaeya. It was unnerving that he could read his mind. He had to keep up the facade of ignorance, pretending he was as oblivious as a child.
"How's it going today, Master Diluc?" Kaeya asked, trying to gauge if he could elicit some honesty from him by seeming genuine. Diluc hesitated, opening his mouth as if he had something important to say, but he closed it just as quickly.
"Just fine," He muttered, and Kaeya let him lie. He nearly laughed at his foolishness for thinking that Diluc would ever open up to him. The trust they had built had been broken many years ago. It wasn't worth it to pry and try and get a real answer from him. He would be met with nothing.
"I'm sorry if I intruded on you in the storage closet the other day. It was unlike you to leave so abruptly, so I— I just wanted to make sure you were alright," Kaeya said, tone unusually soft for someone who was known for his cocky, playful demeanor. He noticed the way Diluc's shoulders tensed slightly as he locked eyes with him for a moment before his gaze dropped to the counter, where he busied himself with the task of preparing a drink for a waiting patron.
"Don't apologize. It was my fault. Always seems to be my fault," He muttered, brows furrowing but not in frustration, sliding the cup down the counter for the customer to grab it and walk to his table, oblivious to what the two were discussing. Diluc looked back at his brother when the patron was out of earshot, sighing. "All I ask is you don't tell anyone about it, and we never bring it up again." He said softly.
"You've got my word," Kaeya smiled at him, taking a swig of his drink and ignoring the way Diluc hesitated before nodding and returning to work. Diluc didn't trust him, but it wasn't a shock to Kaeya. Their relationship was broken— shattered, even. If Kaeya were to ask him about his panic attacks or the Delusion, he would be given the cold shoulder. Maybe instead of helping him work through it, they could do what they've done for years about every issue they've had.
Simply ignore it.
They didn't have to talk about it; instead, they could pretend that being around each other didn't feel like drowning.