Chapter Text
The only time people knocked on the door was for takeouts and deliveries, and he sure as fuck knew they weren't expecting those. He had been returning to his life as a bachelor by laying on the futon in his boxers, watching TV as Dirk excitedly rambled about being kissed beside him, and he now and then nodded and gave vague noises like he was listening, when a knock at the door disturbed him.
Bro sat up, frowning over at it, then stood, equipping his sword as he strode over, scratching idly at his chin. He could hear Dave's door open as he came to investigate, probably expecting pizza. Dirk fell silent and slid to the floor, so he was hidden behind the futon, applying the common sense it was nice to know he had..
Sword just out of view, Bro opened the door.
"Hey! Dave's lemony Bro!"
She was loud, and short, and he heard Dave's noise of panic, using the sword to keep him back when he ran over.
"I knew this was where he lived! He tried not to tell me, but he keeps it written in his sketchbook, and I couldn't help but investigate what he's hiding in here!"
"Oh my God, Rez!" Dave whined behind him, as she rocked back on her heels, weight resting on the cane stabbed to the floor between her feet. "I'll be out in a second, fuck, don't come in!"
"Your Bro is tasty." She called back, and Dave frantically begged him to put on more clothes. He snorted and stepped back, holding Dave just long enough she could cackle and slink inside.
"My, my. The infamous Casa de Strider. Interesting."
"Rez do not pull the investigator shit, not right now, holy fuck go before you see something really messed up."
"So far all I'm seeing is swords, puppets, some questionable equine reading material, and two sexy men." She waggled her eyebrows as Bro tugged on his jeans, flashing Dave one of her manic smiles. "So, Mister Strider, I have tracked you down to the den of villainy you call your own. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Please kill me."
"It will be up to the jury to decide if that is a fitting fate!"
"The jury are all dragon toys, aren't they?"
"Are you insulting the venerable order of the Scalemates? Their laws have been followed for many years, Strider, do you wish to add heresy to your list of crimes?"
"Whoa, hold up, I ain't commited any fucking crimes, Rez."
"Is it not true that you haven't been on a date with you dear sweetheart in over four months?"
"Rez..."
"And I have a witness who shall remain anonymous, but who is well known for her own wicked ways, willing to testify you have also been a total shut in who hasn't once spent time outside school with any of your so-called friends in that same time!"
"Oh my God, Rez, I don't give a shit what Vris said, I had my reasons, alright?"
"They may I suggest you inform the prosecution post haste?"
"Don't do this."
She just grinned, and Dave grumbled, folding his arms like he was about to throw a tantrum.
"The defence would like to inform the prosecution," Bro interrupted, before he could speak, smirking at Dave's complaint about encouraging her. "That the defendant was informed on his next such trip his super awesome Bro who is totally not an asshole would be joining him, so remained inside to avoid the promise being fulfilled."
She gasped over-dramatically, hands on her cheeks and everything. Bro was beginning to like this utterly insane little bundle of what the fuckery. "Does the defendant accept these wild allegations?"
"Oh my fucking God, I am so done. Rez, Bro, Bro, Rez. Please cut the shit now. Can't you see how dumb it is?"
"You're no fun, coolkid." She jabbed his foot with her cane and he grimaced. "Making fun of the poor blind girl."
"Rez you're not blind your eyes are just really fucking photosensitive."
"Shoosh!" She stabbed him again. "But you really did drop off the social radar just because your Bro wanted to meet us? Weak, Dave."
"Shut up. You have no idea how bad the asshole is."
"Well I'm here to find out! Hey lemony hot thing, let's hang out!"
"Oh my God, Rez."
She hoped over onto the futon, and Dirk locked up, still, although she seemed not to have noticed him. Bro sat quickly between them, allowing the machine to shuffle away.
"Hang out, huh?" He was so going to do this, it was worth it for the desperate rambling coming out of his brother's mouth. "Sure. What sorta shit you wanna do?"
With a thoughtful frown, Terezi prodded at a smuppet with her cane (holy shit Rez don't touch that oh my God) and squinted along their entertainment system from behind her glasses.
"Hey!" She brightened suddenly, jabbing with her cane. "Is that L.A. Noire?"
Dave groaned as Bro shifted and slid it in, quickly moving to sit between his older brother and girlfriend while the elder Strider was up, glaring between them as Bro handed her the controller, and sat back, smirking at the expression of utter humiliation all over his brother's face.
He was starting to think he wouldn't have to do anything but just sit there, and it would still drive Dave out of his fucking merry little mind. Fucking with Dave without raising a finger. Now that sounded like a good way to spend the rest of his day.