Chapter Text
TAUFAN POV
It was a rush of feeling, emotion. He didn’t know what to feel. Taufan was a flurry of thoughts. He was shocked and shaken, happiness eerily twinging at its edges. Isn’t this what he had wished and prayed for every single night?
For Solar, who had torn apart the brothers, who had broken their family, to go forever, leave them so that he wouldn’t be there to destroy the peace. Then if he was the one who wished that, why was he feeling this regret and heavy feeling still?
He was restless, his fingers roaming around his shirt, caressing the crisp yet fashionable creases in his cargo pants. His eyes darted around restlessly, seeing the situation unpredictable to decipher.
As much as unpredictable he was, what had happened was beyond his imagination.
‘If this is a dream, wake me up. Please, anybody. I can’t bear it,’ Taufan begged in his mind. What did fate mean to convey, his wish after so long finally fulfilled?
As he stared into the pitter-patter of the rainfall outside of the vehicle, he cringed as he recalled what had happened through the period of time since Solar had passed away. He didn’t take it well, least to say.
According to Blaze, he had started laughing and screaming hysterically upon hearing the news of Solar’s death. But he didn't remember doing that.
Then at least from then, when he had remembered their arrival at the hospital, He remembered the way he had messily left his blue-accented pants on the floor while changing but he couldn’t remember when they had reached the state hospital. He could remember the way he almost slipped down the small step from their home to the corridor when they were leaving this morning but he couldn’t remember himself shrouding Solar. He remembered that he saw the 27 degree slant of the family photo at the entrance of their home but he could remember how Solar smelled like.
Solar always smelled like books mixed with a very distinct air-conditioning scent. Smelt like a library. Then he smelled rotting. Now he couldn’t smell Solar at all.
Now he had been slowly woken out of his trance. He noticed the absolute pin-drop silence that was replaced by grinding white noise. He looked around, tired of the stillness around him. He tried to nudge the second youngest beside him, but the boy was as stiff as a rock.
He once again stared out of the window, the constant thumping of the raindrops against the roof and the windows of the car made an awful yet melodious sound. It was as if the world was sympathising with him, shadowing the entire area with dark and streaking clouds, just like what was deep within his soul.
Slowly, he remembered the three things that killed him.
Rumours that became a suffocating wildfire. Things unconsumable that would have cost him. And the brother that had lived alongside him his entire life, Solar, was the very one who had caused it all. The maestro of the cacophony, he’d like to say but would sound too praiseworthy.
Perhaps, the reaper of brothers. Why? Because, he had killed them, one by one, slowly, painfully, heart wrenching. No hesitation, no guilt,no apology, no nothing.
Slowly,the day when his humour finally lost its armour,came crawling back into his mind,ready to bring him back to that moment like a dreaded horror movie on loop, on repeat, never-ending.
Taufan was back in the days when he was in Form Five, the year to take on SPM, the exam that would determine the whole destiny of their future. He was spending every moment he could trying to study so he wouldn’t get the shock of his life or get murdered when his horrible exam results were released.
Now he was muttering to himself the Pythagoras Theorem, a foundation much necessary for other topics such as trigonometry and physics. So basically if he didn’t nail it, he was royally screwed.
He heard the whispers, weirdly not whispers of formulas of structured answers. He was about to approach his classmates, curious of what they were talking about and also he wanted to ask if they could make a study group together so that they could, well, study as a group. But as he turned around to do so,he saw one of them pointing their index finger at him, their expressions filled with…disgust?
Immediately, his intention to invite them had been broken as his mind ran through a field of questions. What were they talking about? Why were they looking at him with such disgust? He had never, ever, ever done anything bad to them before.
With a loud slam on his table, he flinched so hard his whole body moved. Towering above him was Bora Ra, his classmate who was notorious for his dirty school record of being held back in Form Five for three years, the most highlighting amongst stealing, physical intimidation,good knows what else.
“Follow me.”
Taufan bit his lip, hesitating for a moment. He had a bad feeling about what the guy’s intentions were. What if they were luring him into a trap? What if they were going to bully him? What if…
But before Taufan was able to pause any longer, Bora Ra glared at him and snatched his spectacles off his nose bridge. Realising that his eyesight had blurred, he grasped the air, knowing that Bora Ra had taken them.
“You’ll get your glasses back if you follow me, weirdo.”
Bora Ra sneered as he waved the glasses in his face, but just out of reach, to lure him into his order.
Defeatedly, Taufan stood up as he finally gave in and stumbled behind the classmate. He had quite bad eyesight and as a result, he had to squint, and even so, he couldn’t see clearly.
Out of the blue, a voice boomed.
“What is going on here? Taufan,where are your glasses, and why is…Bora Ra holding on to them?”
Yaya’s voice, soft but demanding,striking fear in both. Immediately,the guy named Bora Ra carelessly threw Taufan’s spectacles into the air, thankfully his cupped hands managed to catch the frames in time. As much as he often baked cookies with Yaya, he could never get used to the strict tone she used in school.
“President, listen! Taufan has been smoking!”
Taufan’s head immediately swiveled like it was on a pedestal, mouth slightly agape, eyes widened in disbelief. He had never touched a cigarette,let alone use one. And if mysteriously he was framed, he’d be punished severely as it was a big issue in their school. Bullying, ironically, was not.
He had asthma which meant he had trouble breathing, when its trigger caused it. And his trigger was smoke. So why in the hecking heckitty heck would he want to smoke? And even if he wanted to, he wouldn’t as he always wanted to stay fit for the soccer team and also stay out of trouble, especially since he was a minor and saved his detention sentences for planking with.
Then Bora Ra raised his voice.
“President,believe me! Taufan has been smoking. That’s why his eyesight is getting worse! You know the other day,he ran into the wall, twice in a row? And he’s been coughing a lot too. Rumours have been flying around and I’m here to prove them!”
His voice was so loud now, it was starting to attract the attention of the passing students. What his classmate had said sunk in.
No wonder.
No wonder so many people had been avoiding him lately, those stealing glances of distaste. It wasn’t because they were engrossed in revising for the upcoming exams. It wasn’t because he was sick.
They thought he was smoking.
His lip curled in disgust as he heard about the times he had coughed as part of the ‘evidence’. He was coughing because there was mold growing in his room but his parents were too busy to do anything about it yet. God forbid a guy who’s been breathing mold to cough, Bora Ra, he thought silently. Then his mind bamboozled towards the fact that people thought he was smoking like a student sprinting to class faster than Usain Bolt because they were late.
Why do people even believe rumours? They are nothing more than a facade to hide the truth. But then again, people just refuse to believe in truth and choose falsehood.
“St—“
Yaya tried to prevent Bora Ra from speaking any further, seeing the lost gaze in Taufan’s eyes.
But then the little piece of shit of existence, Bora Ra shouted louder, not letting Yaya even open her mouth to say a word.
“Taufan has been smoking, President, smoking!”
Taufan wanted to strangle his classmate right there and then, to shut that filterless mouth of his that only served to stir up problems. He wanted to tell Yaya that Bora Ra was lying and that none of this was true.
His throat made a choking sound while his arms twitched uselessly at his sides, wanting to retaliate, to grab his glasses to put them back on so he could get clarity once again.
But his vision began to cloud as his legs unknowingly took off, to run away. To run away, from anywhere but there.
As he slammed the toilet door open he dashed into an empty cubicle, fumbling with the catch to close it.
It all came crashing down on him. He was going to fail SPM. People thought he was committing a crime.
He was weird.
He wasn’t normal.
He’d be shamed.
He’d be disgraced.
He will, not would, be the disappointment.
Tears streamed down his cheeks. Wanting to rub his eyes, he wanted to remove his spectacles. But they weren’t there, causing Taufan to unravel further. He took out the capped pen in his pocket that he always kept on him in case anyone needed a pen and began to open and close the cap of the pen with one hand, skin getting stuck inside the cap when it closed but he didn’t care.
Thank goodness he had the pen on him or he’d probably lose it. As his sobs grew quieter and softer, he tried to clear his mind, looking around at his surroundings, the peach-pink cubicle walls.
‘Wait…pink? Oh shit, flipping flying in the sky, I’m a dipshit.’ Taufan’s mind raced as he opened his eyes, swollen from crying, wider to see his surroundings.
The walls were not its usual grey monotone but a dim, peached pink shade. He. Was. In. The. Girls. Toilet. Out of all the days to go into the wrong toilet, it just had to be today.
Upon swinging open the cubicle door he had just unlocked,he stumbled back in surprise, greeted by a concerned frown.
Yaya reached her hand out as Taufan grasped it, his knees embarrassingly shaky but he managed to stand again. Yaya looked at him with such pity he just wanted to hide in the toilet again.
“Taufan, are you okay? Bora Ra’s words are not true, ok? He admitted the truth later after you left. Now, deep breaths and here are your spectacles.”
Yaya pulled out the pair of glasses from her uniform. It was, thankfully, still intact as he put them back on, feeling the familiar weight resting against his nose bridge.
Taufan didn’t answer, his throat choked with too many questions to get out a proper, single one. He tried to follow the deep breathing exercise guided by Yaya, but hiccups still surface like stubborn acne. He hated that he was so weak, that he couldn’t even take a bit of pressure before crumbling, in front of so many people at that.
Soon after calming down, his breathing was just slightly bated, but they were out of the cubicle. They stood opposite the mirrors mounted on the walls, showing their reflection. He looked Yaya in the eye, not just her nose or lips anymore.
They had left the bathroom already, as Yaya noticed that Taufan was clearly uncomfortable to stay there for any longer. And really, he had a valid point as people would surely scrutinise him further and make him feel more pressured.
Taufan whispered, just loud enough for Yaya to hear. It was like a soft breeze, only to be heard by those who listened closely with intent.
“Thank you, Yaya, for…for saving me. Just now. With that. Thanks.”
He managed to say each word with utmost care so that his voice wouldn’t break and make her worry again. All he did was worry people.
His asthma was one thing,then his problem with staying still was another. He was able to swaddle both as he aged but they still came like a curse, just when he thought he could run away from it.
Just as he saw Yaya form a sentence with her previously pursed lips that were set into a straight line, a male voice came, definitely unfeminine.
“Hey, we’re home now. Abang, we’re home.”
Duri’s voice went through his ears as his younger brother lightly tapped his shoulder. He was still in the daze so obviously he was shocked. Without realising it, words tumbled out of his mouth.
“OH MOTHER FLYING DUCK NUGGETS. Oh, Duri.”
He bolted straight as he went into Melatah* Mode,wherein there is a situation you are shocked or startled by,thus running your tongue or other parts of your body through muscle memory. Then he greeted Duri, as if he had not just shouted a string of alternative swear words** in an enclosed space.
*I don’t know how to explain this. I guess it’s basically the equivalent of wanting to instinctively shit your pants when someone jumpscares you.
**words used to replace actual cursing cos I need to stop myself from cursing every single moment of my life.
Once he had pulled himself out of memory,he found himself still in his quarter seat that he shared with Duri to fit in the five-seater car. Not wanting to get the situation any more awkward than it already was,Taufan tried to slide out smoothly out of the vehicle but tripped over the gravel and tar of the open-air carpark. Luckily or unluckily,he didn’t crash to the ground but it went like someone was taking away his lungs.
But he continued dreaming as they stepped into the gate, leading to their home.
After that incident, Taufan lost a lot of confidence in communicating with people and shut himself into his work. Although he managed to score well for his SPM, the weight of people’s perceptions of him still weighed heavily on him, no doubt about that.
The most shocking thing was that Solar,his very own brother, his obnoxious junior who always refused to be related to him had been the one who had told Irwin the rumour, rumours found.
Taufan didn’t believe so he asked Solar, but how foolish of him to believe that Solar had ever a shred of mercy after what he had done to the other brothers. He admitted, with a cocky sneer, that indeed he was the mastermind behind it all.
And that…that was the day Taufan saw Solar as a demon in human skin, no longer his annoying,sinister but forgivable baby brother.
But now the demon had been banished from this realm. So why would he ever feel pity for a demon? Taufan closed the one-sided discussion with a loud mental ‘shut up’ as he slipped his shoes off at the gate of their home,before his cracked heel met with the cold floor, the wind in the room for the first time since the moment he found out Solar was dead, was not welcoming.
The wind that he was named for had shunned him. Life’s going great,he muttered to himself as his cogs in his brain continued to digest the truth that was staring right in his face like those forehead pic memes.