Archive of Our Own ^beta

It’s been a long day. Hell, it’s been a long week. In between shifts, paperwork, and starting on packing the essentials he wants to bring to El Paso, the only moments to get lost in his brain are those few precious minutes before sleep takes him. Not that there’s too much to worry about anymore. One moment, Eddie’s stressing out about finding someone and the next, he realizes he already has. It had been as simple as that. If only Buck knew how right his words had been.

“Is that the last one?” Eddie asks as Buck unsuccessfully tries to shut the front door with his foot, another no doubt heavy box in his arms.

“Hmm,” Buck grunts in affirmation, plopping the box on top of another one before closing the door with his hand. The box on top has ‘books’ scribbled on the side, while the bottom one has ‘kitchen’ written on all sides. As if Buck was afraid he would somehow get caught in a storm that would make the writing illegible.

Though Eddie would never admit it, he’s happy that’s the last one, for now. Between his own packing and moving the first boxes from Buck’s apartment into the house, Eddie has started to realize that whatever muscles are used for moving are not exactly the muscles he uses at work.  

Unfairly enough, Buck doesn’t seem even a little tired. Eddie’s pretty sure that if Maddie called him right now to ask him to build a treehouse for Jee, the thing would be finished before midnight. Lucky for him, nobody calls Buck away, meaning they can spend the evening eating pizza and watching a movie. It’s something they’ve done a million times before, something they’ve tried to keep up as best as they can, even without Christopher. But it’s never been the same. There’s someone missing, the empty spot between them taunting them as much as the silent house taunts Eddie every single day. What he would give to have another debate about bedtimes and gaming. A debate Christopher would absolutely win if he were here right now. God, if it meant Chris would be back home, Eddie would allow him to play video games all night long.

But he’s not. Which is why Eddie has to go. It’s a thought that’s been spinning inside of his head for weeks now. Though, if he’s honest with himself, today was the first day where it wasn’t the main thought on his mind. Don’t get him wrong, it’s always on his mind, but today was different. Different in the way that for a few hours, Eddie had let himself forget reality. For a few hours, Eddie had been enjoying moving Buck’s stuff into his house, letting himself indulge in the fantasy that that was what was happening. Buck moving in with them, instead of Buck moving into a house Eddie is leaving in a few weeks. A cold shiver runs up Eddie’s back as he’s once again pulled back into the here and now.

“You okay?” Buck asks, turning to him. Eddie’s not sure if he noticed the shiver, if he thinks Eddie is being too quiet, or if this is simply Buck knowing him far too well.

Slapping on a half-smile, Eddie nods at Buck. But, instead of turning back towards the TV, Eddie keeps his eyes on Buck. He’s not sure if he’s trying to memorize specific things about his best friend or if this is simply his new “I’m in love with my best friend and I’m owning it” reality. Not that that bit had been a new feeling, per se. It’s more that he’s stopped trying to write all feelings off as friendship and is allowing himself to feel whatever he’s feeling whenever Buck’s around. Especially when Buck touches him in passing or looks at him, like he still is right now.

Feeling his cheeks heat up under the gaze of those stunning blue eyes, Eddie has to fight his instincts and not look away. He won’t, especially not first. Not anymore, and definitely not tonight. Because it’s been a week, officially, and ages, unofficially, and somehow, it feels like tonight should be the night. It feels right. Yes, tonight, he’ll tell Buck.  

It had hit him last week, only minutes after he’d gotten home from his impromptu going-away dinner. As he lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, unable to think of anything but the Freddie situation and therefore, unable to think of anything but Buck. Most importantly, the moment Buck announced he’d given up his loft for him and Chris. The memory still takes Eddie’s breath away a week later.

It’s been a long day, the first 24 of his (quite possibly last) 48 off at the LAFD. Which, again, is one of the things that made this ‘one hell of a week’. Because he’s both ready and not ready at all. Ready because he misses Christopher like crazy and just needs to be with his son, and not ready because this is his home too. These people are his family too. All Eddie wants is for his whole family to be back together. If only he could go back a year to a random Buckley-Diaz movie night, Christopher all but squished between them on the couch, all three of them inhaling the salted caramel popcorn Buck had made for them after seeing a video on Facebook.

But he can’t go back. All he can do now is try to move forward by fixing his relationship with his son. So, he has to leave. But he also really needs to talk to Buck. Because the more he lets himself feel, the more he thinks he’s been noticing that these feelings are not one-sided.

“Eddie?” Buck asks, a little quiver in his voice.  

Still not breaking eye-contact, Eddie turns his body more towards him. “Yeah?”

“You sure you’re okay?”

Nodding, Eddie can’t help but smile. “Yeah, just thinking. And yeah, I know that’s dangerous,” he adds, beating Buck to the punch. The other offers him a small smile, before his face turns serious again. It seems Buck isn’t about to let this go. Which is good, in a way, because Eddie had no idea how or when to bring this up. It seems post-pizza is as good a time as any. Breathe, Eddie. You’re only jumping in at the deep end, hoping Buck will join you instead of letting you drown.  

“For a few hours, I let myself live in a world where you were moving in, but I wasn’t moving out.” It’s a weird start, a random thought spoken out loud and definitely not what he had planned.

Judging from the way Buck’s eyebrows knit together, he wasn’t expecting that strange response either. Time to add a few more words to this confession and give in. Give in to the voice in his head, to the wish in his heart, to the tiredness he feels at the idea of keeping all of this in until he’s in a completely different state from the man opposite him. The man he’s pretty sure is the love of his life.

“You were right, you know?” Eddie finally adds, before breathing out, “God, so right.”

Still clearly unsure of what’s happening right now, Buck simply asks, “Oh yeah? About what?”

“About it being you,” he answers, letting out a half-chuckle. “I think it’s always been you. It just took me a few years to realize. Sorry about that.”

Buck’s the first to break their staring competition and Eddie misses his eyes already. Breathing a little heavier now, Buck is now staring at his own hands in his lap instead. It’s not the reaction Eddie’d been hoping for and he feels unwelcome nerves creep in. Finally, Buck speaks up. “Yeah?”

Eddie doesn’t know if the tone is hopeful or if that’s Eddie’s own wishful thinking. Still, he breathes a little easier as he continues. “Yeah. And fuck, I’m so sorry. I know it’s a dick move to do this right now, but I have to tell you now. You deserve to know how loved you are, Evan.” At the mention of his name, those big blue eyes find his own again. “So yeah, you were right. It’s you.”

There’s no denying that everything about Buck’s expression screams hopeful, relief now fully flooding through Eddie. In a voice barely above a whisper, Buck says, “It’s me.”

It sounds different than it had a week ago, when Buck had said those same words in a different context. Still, Eddie had heard them the same last week as he does today. It’s Buck. Of course, it’s Buck. He’s an idiot for not realizing sooner.

As a surprisingly comfortable silence stretches between them, Eddie slowly reaches out towards Buck’s hand, where they’re still lying in his best friend’s lap. Carefully picking up Buck’s right one with his left, he waits for Buck to either pull his hand back or let Eddie do whatever he wants, before sliding their hands together until their palms meet.

“Is that okay? That it’s you?”

“Eddie…” It sounds like a wish, a promise, a question, and an answer in one. It’s also the only thing Buck says.

Trying to coax more words out of the man, Eddie squeezes his hand. “Buck.”

Biting down on his bottom lip, Buck shakes his head like he’s trying to clear his etch-a-sketch mind. “I don’t know.”

It hurts. Eddie tries to keep his expression neutral, but yeah, it hurts. Disentangling their hands, Eddie nods, before getting up. Unsure of what to do or where to go, he’s luckily saved from having to think of an escape route by a hand on his wrist. “Hey, stop. Eddie, I didn’t mean…,” Buck sighs, tugging on the wrist until Eddie turns around. Patting the spot next to him, Buck tries to coax Eddie back onto the couch.

Unsure, he slowly sits back down. Should he say something? And if so, what?

“I didn’t mean that I don’t feel it too,” Buck says, ducking his head in search of Eddie’s eyes. “I just, I don’t know. I don’t know what to do right now.”

And okay, that? That Eddie gets. Because he doesn’t know either. He doesn’t want Buck to wait for him, either in a long-distance thing or not, because he doesn’t know when he’ll be back. All he knows is that he will be back, with Christopher. He has to. The three of them belong together.

Eddie’s not sure when his eyes went glassy, but it takes him a few blinks to focus back on Buck’s unsure face. Licking his too-dry lips, he nods. “Yeah, I know. Like I said, I’m sorry. I just needed you to know, I guess.”

Buck nods, though Eddie’s not sure if he truly got what Eddie meant. Before he has time to ask, Buck opens his mouth again. “What do you want?”

It throws Eddie. “What do you mean?” It comes out more defensive than intended.

Catching the tone and the way Eddie pulls a face at his own words, Buck lets out another small smile. “I mean, what do you want? From me? Or with me, I guess?” he says, his eyebrows knitting together once more. “I’ve never been in this position before.”

At those words, Eddie lets out an honest to god giggle, feeling like he’s losing his mind. “Well, for your information, neither have I. I didn’t really think too far ahead after the love confession, I guess.”

At that, Buck stiffens. “Love?”

“Yeah, Buck, love. What did you think, I was talking about how good a friend you are to me? Platonic soulmates and all that?”

“No, shut up,” Buck starts, his voice both annoyed and excited. “I just, I guess I didn’t realize…”

Eddie nods, biting back a smile. “That I love you?”

“Yeah.” It’s more of an exhale than a response.

Shrugging, Eddie knocks his knee into Buck’s thigh. “Well, I do. Deal with it, Buckley.”

“Don’t you Buckley me, Diaz,” Buck throws back with a smile. It looks like he’s planning on saying more, but nothing more comes out. Eddie wants to kiss the wrinkle between his eyebrows.

Feeling himself giving in, he starts leaning in, before catching himself. They need to talk about this. “Okay, so the facts are: 1. I love you. 2. I want to be with you,” he says, Buck’s eyes shining at the words. “3. I’m leaving and I’m not sure when I’ll be back. And no matter how badly I want this, I can’t, I won’t, ask anything from you now.”

At that, Buck reaches forward, clasping their hands together once more. “But what if I want you to? Ask me, Eddie. Tell me what you want. Tell me,” Buck all but begs.

Never having been able to say no to the man opposite him, he squeezes Buck’s hand again. God, it feels so right. “I want you. All of you. To be mine, preferably.”

“Then have me,” Buck says, moving closer. In a flash, there’s a hand on Eddie’s neck, pulling him closer. “Have me, Eddie. I’m yours.”

It takes every inch of Eddie’s restraint to put a hand on Buck’s chest and stop their lips from meeting. His voice sounds broken as he says, “Are you sure? Because this is going to be tough and fuck, I can’t lose you, Buck.”

“You won’t. We can do this. Will it suck? Yes. But I also know you have to go. Fuck, you know I’d go with you if I could. I miss that kid like crazy. But someone has to keep LA safe for your return. For when you bring him home. So yeah, I’m sure I’d rather have you on Facetime than not at all.” Buck says with a confidence that makes Eddie falter. “I love you too, Eddie. Not sure if I mentioned that yet, though I guess that part might’ve been clear.”

“A bit,” Eddie teases. “But it’s still nice to have the confirmation.”

“Good. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, will you please kiss me? If I only get to have you around for two more weeks, we'd better make the most of it.”

Using the hand on Buck’s chest to grip his shirt tightly, he pulls the other in. “Fuck, I love you,” he whispers into Buck’s mouth, before letting their lips meet. For such a passionate confession-discussion-whatever they just did, the kiss is surprisingly soft and slow. A tender meeting of lips that slowly turns a little more exploratory as Buck tilts his head a little, making their lips slot together perfectly. Smiling, Eddie pulls back a little to catch his breath, only to have it taken away once more by Buck’s blinding smile.

As the hand on his neck tightens, Eddie dives back in. Where their first kiss had been sweet, the second one is anything but. Tongues and teeth clash as hunger takes over. It seems Eddie wasn’t the only one who’d been waiting to taste those lips for a long time now.

It’s not a perfect situation and they both know it.

What they don’t know is that Christopher doesn’t want his dad to move and that they’ll be back in this house, all three of them, within two months. But they’ll find that titbit out soon enough. For now, let them enjoy these two weeks.