Chapter Text
Gabbro remembers the day they stopped caring.
It had been just under three weeks into the search and rescue mission.
Gabbro would be the first to admit that they weren't the poster hatchling of a diligent student, or hard worker, or... normal.
But they liked to think they weren't stupid.
They'd completed their training. They knew everything an astronaut needed to know about how to pilot a ship, and explore the hostile planets of their star system without offing themself.
They were also pretty good with statistical analysis, and deducing probabilities. Or simply putting two and two together.
And, considering all the evidence...
None of the members of the Outer Wilds Ventures were kitted out with equipment that had the capacity to sustain life in space for more than a couple of days (if you were in a ship), a couple of hours (if you weren't in a ship), and maybe a couple of weeks (if you were on a planet and had access to an oxygen source).
The chances of survival were reduced significantly if you were injured. Or ill. Like, in the throws of heart-failure kind of ill.
But.
Feldspar wasn't on the Hourglass Twins. Or Giant's Deep. Or Brittle Hollow.
That had left one place few would dare to go.
Chert had advised against it. Hornfels had agreed. Gossan had tried to get in StormRider and hightail it to the last place they hadn't looked, but they'd been too drunk and emotional at the time (they could barely aim their fists when Slate stopped them from getting in the launchpad elevator). And Slate had said that there was no point killing off more OWV members in trying to find Feldspar, because the 'idiot' was definitely dead.
And Gabbro had said nothing.
Because Gabbro was a coward. They couldn't handle the pressure, the expectations, and the inevitable failure that no doubt waited for them if they tried going into Dark Bramble on their own. Not even for their friend.
And they hated themself for it. So, so much.
---
After the mourning (which Gabbro couldn't stand to attend- they'd felt like there were ants crawling inside their arms and legs the entire time), they'd left the village rather than join the campfire (much to Chert's indignation). Gabbro wasn't interested in playing funeral songs, and they didn't want to have to look at the matching bruises on Gossan and Slate's faces.
Mostly, they couldn't handle seeing others cry. Especially not hatchlings (like Regolith). There'd already been a lot of that at the mourning gathering.
So, Gabbro had found their way to a quiet body of water a ways from the Crater, sat on the grass, and stared up at the stars, willing their thoughts to turn to stone.
They could feel the grumbling void trying to claw it's way out of the mental cage they'd been fortifying over the years. But they didn't have it in them to try to calm the beast with music. They couldn't take a deep enough breath to play their flute.
They'd hoped that the sound of the water would be enough...
It wasn't. Because it wasn't nearly loud enough. It didn't reverberate. It didn't calm. Didn't drown out the grumbling.
So Gabbro licked their lips and tried humming instead. Just like their friend had taught them when they were a hatchling...
But their voice had strangled in their throat and cut off on the first note.
Gabbro tried to swallow. They couldn't do that either.
The breath they took through their nose was hot and shaky.
When they felt their eyes start to burn, they'd grit their teeth so hard they creaked.
And when that didn't stop the first drops from falling, they bit their lip instead until they tasted iron.
And when even that didn't stop the water escaping, Gabbro lifted their hands to their face and dug their fingernails into the skin of their cheeks at the outer corners of their eyes, hoping they could intimidate the tears into drying up-
'You didn't scratch, did you? You promised...'
Yes, but-
'You know you can tell me anything.'
But they couldn't now! The only person who'd ever bothered to really listen, who'd really heard, who'd really understood them for who they were was-
'Don't worry, Gabby! I'll be there for your first launch, no matter what!'
Liar. They'd had to launch a week early because of the search and rescue-
If you're dead, you're gone. I don't want you to be gone.
I'll be lonely.
'I'm not going anywhere-'
LIAR !!
...
It hurt far less than the tears had. And the physical pain did it's job. Just like it always had in the past. Before they'd promised to stop...
It helped to dam the flood. To stay the void.
When their shoulders stopped shaking and they started breathing steadily again, Gabbro rinsed the blood off of their fingers in the stream. Then they stared at their own reflection in the water. Saw the still round cheeks of a just-turned adult. The prematurely droopy ears. The blue eyes. And the bloody marks. The face of the person they hated the most.
And then they'd wondered.
How long does it take for a Hearthian to drown? How much did it hurt? They'd heard that the body tries to fight it. But Gabbro was relatively confident in their willpower...
What if they survived, though, but would be stuck with brain damage from oxygen deprivation for the rest of their life?
That thought had frightened them. They didn't want to be stuck living.
But they were too much of a coward to try dying.
...
So they'd wait. They'd always been good at that.
They decided there and then that they'd spend the rest of their days waiting for an end, however it might come. They wouldn't bother investing too much effort into anything that didn't interest them. Wouldn't let themself become too attached to anyone. Wouldn't get their hopes up.
Wouldn't care.
And, who knows? Maybe one day soon the universe would spontaneously end. Or their sun would go supernova...
Then they wouldn't be stuck anymore.
They'd spent many a night lying awake and hoping for just that.
---
And even though they'd gone home that night dry as the Ember Twin's great canyon, part of themself had plunged headlong into that body of water and never resurfaced.
---
Sometimes, Gabbro wondered if the universe had heard their thoughts that day and taken it personally.
Because, haha, look at where they were now:
Less than a decade later, on the cusp of turning thirty years-old, and they were exactly where they'd hoped they'd never be.
They were stuck living.
Even though the universe was ending.
Even though the sun was going supernova. Over and over and over...
Maybe this was their punishment for not volunteering to go into Dark Bramble after Feldspar. Or for wishing for the end of the world. Or for breaking their promise...
Well.
Not much they could do about it now.
Not much they would do, even if they could.
---
