Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

(Cover image by yours truly)

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Upon being born, no one has a personality. Not a true one, at least. Because a true personality only develops over time. And under the wrong circumstances, it develops cracks that may never go away.

Growing larger and larger, drifting further apart.

Until all that’s left are the shards of what could’ve been.

…

Dazai was yanked out of his thoughts by the sound of the train passing by mere millimeters in front of him. His reflection in the glass windows disappeared and he returned to reality.

Oh. He zoned out again. And now the train he was supposed to take had just left right in front of his face. The day was off to a horrendous start and Dazai wanted to cry.

He sighed and stepped back from the train tracks before his wonderful brain got any stupid ideas and he sat down on one of the incredibly uncomfortable benches near the wall. Now he didn’t only have to wait another 30 minutes, he’d also be too late to class. If his father found out, he’d be furious.

A person sat down on the bench next to him. Dazai hugged his school bag tightly, fingers gripping onto the fabric, hoping, praying , that they wouldn’t try to start a conversation. Even if the chances for that to happen were actually quite slim. That much he knew.

The person’s slightly ragged breathing was grating on his ears like the loudest sound in existence and he quickly pulled his headphones over his ears. Not even to play any music, just to activate the noise canceling function and block out the sound that felt so much louder than it actually was.

And then he stared down at his phone, frozen in place, eyes glued to the messaging app. He really didn’t feel like telling his father that he missed his train. And maybe he just… wouldn’t. It was always a 50/50 chance whether the teachers would bother calling his parents to ask why he was late for school. He could at least hope that today wasn’t one of those days. Because if it was, he’d be screwed.

Dazai closed the messaging app. Not like it mattered whether today’s scolding about all that was wrong with him would take five minutes longer because he missed his train.

Keeping his face glued to the screen of his phone, even if it was just to blankly stare at the lit up home screen, was a good enough method to keep people from bothering him. Then why did he still feel like he was being watched?! The person sitting near him wasn’t even paying attention to their surroundings, yet their mere presence filled Dazai with dread.

He hated going outside.

He hated being home just as much.

Dazai didn’t know what happened. But it felt as though he just blinked once, twice, and the next train was there. And this time he almost ran to the doors, just to make extra sure he wouldn’t miss it again.

There weren’t too many people on this one. Probably because it was the one after the rush hour, after most people already started their work days.

Still, he didn’t sit down. Because trains only had rows consisting of two seats right next to one another. And Dazai would rather die than sit next to a person in public transport. Because every time it happened, it made him feel like he was stuck in a gradually shrinking prison cell with the only way of escaping being the impossible act of having to talk to the other person and ask them if they could let him get up. Something supposedly easy, or so he heard. But to him, every word spoken to a stranger felt like climbing a giant mountain.

Unfortunately, being the only person standing up in an otherwise almost empty train compartment, automatically meant exposure. And sure, no one was actually looking at him. But what if they did? What if they found it weird? What if–

Dazai shook his head and started playing the next best song on his phone, turning the volume of his headphones up all the way, just to drown out his thoughts.

He both dreaded and couldn’t wait to get to school.

—

“You’re late, Dazai-kun.” Their teacher said in a stern voice as Dazai quietly opened the door to the classroom. He flinched as everyone’s eyes locked onto him and just kept his head down, trying to avoid looking at anyone directly. “Missed my train.” He simply explained, before speed-walking through the room and to his seat, all the way in the last row. The whispers. Why were they whispering? Why were they still looking at him?

“Late again? That’s the third time this week!”

“He looks like he’s being chased by a whole gang. Our teacher isn’t even that scary!”

“Let me guess. Late because you couldn’t find one of your bandages?”

“How is it that he always gets away with being late!”

Dazai looked down at the table as he pulled out his pencil case and his notes. Did they think he couldn’t hear them? Or did they just not care? 

Either way. Their voices, while whispering, were loud. Too loud. And Dazai had to do his utmost best to suppress his brain’s inconvenient defense mechanism of turning all their words into static.

“Shut the fuck up you guys! It’s not that big of a deal! Just focus back on class will you?!”

That voice. One of the few voices that didn’t grate on Dazai’s ears. That didn’t give him a headache.

“Nakahara-kun! Language!” Their teacher warned loudly. The student scoffed. “Well, not like you were saying anything!” She gasped, offended. “I can’t believe you. See me after class. And now. Silence.

The class quieted down after that, though it didn’t keep them from throwing some teasing looks towards the redhead. Looks that he seemed to skillfully ignore. Sometimes Dazai envied how little Chuuya seemed to care about what others thought of him.

A piece of paper hit his arm, and for a moment he thought that someone was just being annoying again but… As he picked up the paper, he recognized that there was handwriting on it. And so he unfolded it and took in the words.

‘U okay? -Chuuya’

Dazai’s grip on the paper tightened. He wasn’t, but… He was certainly not gonna tell anyone that. Not even his cr– His classmate. Chuuya was his classmate.

And so he just gave the other teen a small nod in response before focusing on copying what the teacher was talking about, numbly writing down every word, every letter, every number, while his arm slowly drifted off into feeling like it wasn’t actually part of his body anymore, the motions repetitive, automatic, pre-programmed. Soon enough, he wasn’t even sure what he was writing down anymore.

Write.

Erase.

Correct.

Write.

Erase.

Correct.

“Dazai-kun? Dazai-kun. I asked you guys to pay attention to what I’m saying! Please put your pen down for a moment.”

The entire class laughed.

Well, not all of them, but it sure felt like it. The sound weighed down on him like an invisible entity.

“I’m sorry.” He said quietly. The teacher just sighed and then started talking about whatever it was they were currently discussing. Soon enough, her words became one with the background noise of the electric ceiling fan.

—

Lunch break came sooner than it should. Now, usually, what was expected from students was happiness. Happiness about the break, happiness about getting food, happiness about hanging out with their friends.

Dazai never got a break.

Dazai never ate lunch.

Dazai didn’t have any friends.

Rather, he did his very best to stay as far away from his fellow students as possible. It lowered the chances of them catching him alone and giving his already abysmal self-esteem another punch.

However, he wasn’t always so lucky.

Because sometimes, god-knows why, there were people who wanted to talk to him.

Or more specifically: One person who somehow wanted to talk to him.

“Hey uhm, Dazai?”

Dazai looked up from where he was staring at his desk, coming face to face with a certain ginger who was scratching the back of his neck with a hand, playing with his sleeve with the other, and avoiding direct eye contact.

Dazai tilted his head. “Chuuya?”

Chuuya sighed and looked at him. “I..- After school today, can you wait for me outside of the classroom? Gotta talk to ya about something. Right now tho… I have to get yelled at by our teacher for standing up for you.”

Dazai was a little perplexed, to say the least. Sure, he and Chuuya occasionally did stuff like group projects together and he was arguably the person in this class he had the most to do with but… Asking to see him after school for a private conversation? That.. Hadn’t exactly happened before. Which meant this could either go very good or very badly. Dazai suspected it might be the latter. Because what in his life was even good at this point? There really wasn’t too much he could think of.

“Yea.. I can wait after class. Just.. Come find me.” Dazai spoke quietly. The way Chuuya’s eyes lit up at his words… It gave Dazai some twisted feeling of hope that he wouldn’t get beaten up by the only person who really stood up for him.

Chuuya nodded quickly. “Alright then. See ya later?” Dazai hummed and offered a small nod. “Mhm. See you later.”

And then Chuuya was off again, walking back to his friends: A guy with silver hair named Shirase, as well as a pink-haired girl named Yuan. Dazai looked after Chuuya for a while, taking in the scene. He couldn’t hear what they were talking about as they were too far away already but…

Chuuya seemed to visibly relax when he returned to his friends. Then Shirase said something with a smirk and Chuuya’s face took on a soft red color as he whisper-shouted a ‘Shut up!’ even Dazai could hear. Then both of them squished Chuuya in a hug like they were congratulating him on something.

The hug, their smiles… The way they were just so effortlessly comfortable with each other.

Dazai looked to the side and got up quickly, leaving the classroom. Those were friends and they were having a moment. Him watching them with envy would just cause problems.

Hugs like that one were just a thing he’d never ever have.

—

“Dazai?`What brings you here? Running away from your class again, hm?” The older male asked. Dazai kept his head down and nodded. “Can I stay in here for the break? Mori-san’s infirmary is overcrowded by some people who had some kind of group accident during PE class.”

The other nodded without hesitation. “Of course you can.” Dazai stepped into the room and took his usual seat in the corner.

“Thanks, Odasaku.”

There were exactly three places in this school he actually felt somewhat safe at. Those being: The infirmary, Oda’s office, and the empty roof. Though lately he’d been avoiding the last option. Mainly because whenever he was up there, it made him think about stuff that could end badly. At least Oda’s office and the infirmary both were somewhere where a fall out of the window wouldn’t generally be lethal. The roof on the other hand… That was a whole different story he’d rather not think about.

“No lunch again?” Oda asked. Dazai shook his head. “The day I bring lunch with me to school is the day the world ends.” Oda sighed. “Yea, I know. Mint?” He then asked, holding out a package of extra fresh mint candy. Dazai took one and put it in his mouth.

He liked the cold sensation that immediately spread through his body. It made him feel like he was still present in reality.

“Hey Odasaku?” He asked after some silence. Oda, who’d gone back to going through some class tests, raised his head. “Hm?” Dazai took a deep breath. “If someone.. Hypothetically.. Called me to meet them after school because they’d like to talk to me about something, what does it mean, exactly?”

Oda raised an eyebrow. “Well, it depends on who that person is and what your relationship to them may be. Wait.. Don’t tell me it’s one of these people who bully you again? I thought I gave them a clear warning?”

Dazai shook his head and looked down, his fingers tightening their grip onto his pants. “No, I.. It’s not them this time. It’s.. Someone else.” 

Oda turned in his chair, looking at him. “And? Has that person hurt you before?” Dazai shook his head. Oda nodded along. “And do you think they want to hurt you?”

Dazai gave the question some thought. Though in the end, he had to admit that this wasn’t quite the case. Chuuya… He didn’t seem that aggressive. More.. nervous. Which was just even more confusing. And so he shook his head again. “No, I don’t think so..” He responded. Oda offered him a small smile. “Then hear them out, will you? And if anything happens, I’ll be in my office until six PM, so just come to me. You know I’ll always have your back.”

—

After his talk with Oda, Dazai felt at least a little better. Not by a lot but… It seemed to have helped, at least. And so he somehow made it through afternoon classes alive, despite everything.

He decidedly tried not paying too much attention to the fact that he kept feeling Chuuya’s eyes on him over and over again. Until he looked at him and the ginger immediately turned his head and looked away while his friends seemed to have the time of their lives laughing at him.

This was.. Weird.

They weren’t.. Laughing at Dazai, no. There were people in his general proximity, looking in his general direction, and they weren’t even laughing at him like everyone else did?

Maybe he was daydreaming.

Alas… He didn’t wake up when class ended so… it must’ve actually been real.

Confusing.

He watched as Chuuya’s friends pushed him towards Dazai, until the redhead was right in front of him. Somehow, he still seemed as nervous as he was during lunch. 

“Come with me?” Chuuya asked. And Dazai just nodded and followed his classmate.

For a while, they just walked in silence. Through the halls, out of the building, until they found themselves behind the gym. Chuuya leaned against the wall. And Dazai, not really sure what to do with himself, did the same next to him.

“So..?” The brunette then asked, looking at the ground and the cherry blossoms, moving with the wind. “What did you wanna talk about?”

Chuuya stepped away from the wall and took a deep breath, standing right in front of Dazai before looking up at him, fixing him in place with his bright blue eyes.

“I have no idea how to do this and I’ve only ever seen this shit happen in movies so… I’ll just try to make it short and concise, alright?” Dazai just nodded, still confused as to where this was going.

And then Chuuya just kind of… Started to say words. Though Dazai had no idea if he was actually hearing them correctly or if he was finally succumbing to both visual and auditory hallucinations.

“Would you like to go out with me?”

Dazai’s brain came to a halt as he slowly processed the words.

“Come again?”

Chuuya looked off to the side, then he refocused back on Dazai’s face.

“Would you like to go out with me, Dazai? Like- On a date?”

And suddenly, once the words had actually reached him, it felt as though his entire world had just been flipped upside-down.

Chapter Text

Dazai had never expected that one day, he'd be in this position, leaning against the wall of the gym, with someone confessing to him. Even less for that person to be the Chuuya Nakahara.

Aka the most popular student in their year.

The person everyone somehow had a crush on.

Including Dazai.

For a solid year now.

Now, sure, Chuuya was really, really good-looking. From his bright red hair, to his pretty blue eyes, to his freckles, he was perfect.

That wasn’t all though. Not to Dazai, at least. Because Chuuya was so much more than that as well. …Like the only person in this godforsaken class that told others, including teachers, off when they were messing with him. 

Chuuya, unlike everyone else, didn’t seem to have it out for him.

“…Is that a no?” The redhead asked, pulling Dazai back to reality. He must’ve zoned out again. Dazai quickly shook his head. Clear up the misunderstanding Osamu. Right this instant.

“N- No- it’s not- just..” He looked off to the side. “You caught me off-guard. That’s all.” Chuuya exhaled as though he’d unknowingly been holding his breath, before looking up again, eyes lighting up a little as the gears in his head visibly turned. “Wait. Does that mean…”

“Love and relationships can be something truly beautiful, Osamu. And just because you have these problems, it doesn’t disqualify you from having something like this in your life. However, if you do find someone, I suggest you tell them. Because relationships are at their best if the people involved are open with each other and know how the other person works.”

Words his aunt told him a little while ago.

Words that, no matter how difficult the action described may seem, held a certain truth to them.

Dazai had to do this right.

“Yes, I really would like to go out with you.” He eventually responded, doing his best to look at Chuuya’s face. Chuuya’s eyes widened a little and then he smiled. “Wait, actually?! I wasn’t sure you were even interested! And here I was… So fucking nervous, and for what.” He grumbled, crossing his arms.

Dazai felt a weird sensation in his stomach. He’d felt it before. A few times. When Chuuya would speak up for him, when Chuuya decided to partner up with him for a group project… When Chuuya asked him specifically for a pen when he forgot his own, rather than any of his countless friends…

Like there was something crawling on his insides. But not in the uncomfortable way his skin crawled in difficult situations. This, this was an actual warm and comfortable feeling. Something he didn’t get to feel too often.

Still, he wanted to feel it more.

That being said… He still had to make sure Chuuya would know what he was getting himself into.

“I wanna go out with you, Chuuya. I really do. But…” Chuuya tilted his head, face taking on a concerned expression. “But?”

Dazai took a deep breath and looked down. “There’s just a few problems I have that will make maintaining any form of relationship with me more complicated. And then you might end up regretting that you even tried.”

Chuuya hummed and stepped closer. “Psychological problems, I assume?”

Dazai froze in place. He didn’t even have to say a word. Because Chuuya already knew.

The redhead carefully held out his hand. An offer . Not a demand. And Dazai, despite how much he was shaking, almost instinctively reached out to the other teen and placed his hand on top. Chuuya didn’t try to tighten his hold, and he didn’t do anything but allow Dazai to adjust. …Which was exactly what he felt he needed.

“Then… Allow me to take you out on one date, will ya? And then you can tell me what I’m up against.” He then suggested. Dazai just stared at him for a moment, before slowly, cautiously, closing his hand around Chuuya’s, who gave him a reassuring squeeze.

“Like- right now?” Dazai asked. Chuuya shrugged. “Would you have time?”

…Anything would be better than going home just yet.

—

Dazai didn’t remember the last time he really walked down these streets. Not consciously, at least. Sometimes he did wander around, completely losing his way. But in those cases, he usually wasn’t aware enough of his surroundings to actually see where he was.

Now, however, he was more aware than ever before. Mainly because Chuuya was walking right next to him. And while they did let go of each other’s hands as soon as they left the safety behind the gym, Dazai couldn’t shake the feeling of treading on eggshells. There was absolutely no reason to feel this way. He was just walking down the street with another boy his age and the only ones aware of the situation were he and Chuuya.

But what if they weren’t? What if there was someone else around? Someone who’d see them and then get the idea and then get that idea to his father and–

How would they even get this to his father? Dazai had no idea. But that certainly didn’t alleviate any of the anxiety he was feeling. It wasn’t overwhelming, he was still functioning, but it was like dark shadows were slowly creeping up from the ground, always a millimeter away from capturing him, but never quite there.

“Hey Dazai, wanna look at me for a sec?” Chuuya’s voice startled him completely, making him jump. And only after he’d gone through the movement did he realize just how tensed up his muscles were for probably longer than what was healthy. Sometimes, when he got lost in his head, he’d lose all feeling of his own body.

Chuuya looked into his eyes, gaze patient and understanding. What was he..-

“We are friends who decided to go grab some bubble tea after class on this nice day in spring. Nothing suspicious to see here.”

Hold up. Had Chuuya just…

Chuuya smiled. Yes, yes he had.

He had read Dazai’s mood, and his train of thought, part of it, at least, and he had acted on it to support him.

Dazai was a little baffled. Maybe, just maybe, Chuuya could actually manage.

“Yea.” He responded, taking a deep breath and relaxing his muscles. “We’re friends, getting bubble tea together. Got it.” Chuuya nodded. “Yup, You’ve got this.”

Turns out, Dazai knew the area where the bubble tea store was. Only vaguely tho. Because two streets further away was his aunt’s coffee shop. He’d definitely been here before. Only to get to work tho.

Standing in line made him feel like jumping out of his skin. People in front of him, people behind him, adding to the fact that the store was pretty big and open and there were no nearby walls he could stick close to… Exposed, put on display, while no one was even watching him, even if it feels like they were.

The closer they got to the counter, the higher his fear-o-meter rose. He tugged his sleeves over his hands, fidgeting with the fabric. Okay Osamu. You can do this. Assam Milk Tea with Tapioca pearls. It really isn’t that difficult. Go to the counter. Let Chuuya order. Place your own order, and you’ve made it.

It’s easy.

It. Is. Easy.

Don’t mess it up. Or something’s gonna happen and you’ll embarrass yourself and it’ll be the worst thing in the world and you’ll run out of this store and you’ll nearly have a breakdown and then Chuuya is gonna think you’re pathetic and–

“Young man?  What would you like to order?”

Crap! Was it his turn already?!

Dazai opened his mouth and quickly rattled off his order at lightspeed, seemingly taking the poor employee by surprise. Was he too quick? Would he have to say it again? Would he–

“Assam Milk Tea with Tapioca? Got it.” The employee spoke, not even looking up from her cash register. Dazai’s thoughts came to an abrupt halt and he blinked, slowly returning to reality. The ringing in his ears disappeared, the bright lights and colors of his surroundings slowly returned from melting into one another to their original form, and suddenly he was back.

…No one was looking at him weirdly. Not the employee, not the other guests… Everything that had just happened was just in his head. Fears tucked away where no one could see. Well, almost no one.

“...You okay?” Chuuya whispered. Dazai’s head snapped to look at him and the concern in those blue eyes immediately melted some of the tension. He let go of his own arms, decidedly ignoring the burning pain from where he’d accidentally dug his fingers into his wrists, and quickly nodded. And while Chuuya seemed not to really believe him, he didn’t dwell on the topic further (Which Dazai appreciated).

A few moments later, they received their respective bubble tea and walked back out of the store, the fresh air grounding Dazai into the current moment, as he calmed his breath, his pulse, and allowed himself to feel at least a little relieved that he made it through that situation alive.

Thankfully, Chuuya chose to take him further away from the places with lots of people (Bless his seemingly blind understanding of the current situation), tugging him along to a bench in the shade of a tree at a path along a small river, sitting down on said bench and offering Dazai the spot at his side. Dazai easily sat down and took a few sips of his milk tea.

Chuuya turned to look at him, leaning on the backrest of the bench as he started sipping his own bubble tea. “Well then… Tell me what kind of baggage my potential future boyfriend’s living with.” And he sounded so genuinely interested that Dazai soon lost all reservations that might’ve stopped him from allowing Chuuya some insight.

—

“So… Basically your entire life is completely fucked up?” Chuuya asked after Dazai had told him what was barely a small part of the whole thing. Dazai turned to look at the ground, nervously kicking with his legs. “That’s one way to put it I guess. …Which means that, while I am actually interested in you and would love for this to work out, It won’t be easy, for either of us. I’m probably the least datable person you could ever pick.”

Carefully, very carefully, he looked back up to check Chuuya’s expression for any ounce of hesitation, of doubt, but… He couldn’t see it. There was just.. Interest. That hadn’t changed.

Chuuya put down his cup and tilted his head. “Got any idea what that might mean for a relationship?” And Dazai, despite not really liking to admit it, still decided to be honest.

“Well: For one. Any and all physical contact is gonna be a struggle. Handholding’s already enough to freak me out right now, as I noticed earlier. I can handle it but… It’s difficult, makes me feel like jumping out of my skin, makes me nervous, makes my hands sweaty, drains a lot of my energy at once… And if that’s already too much for me right now then-”

He stopped speaking for a moment, taking a shaky breath as he tried to figure out how to continue. And once again, Chuuya was right there to help him.

“...Then you don’t know how it’s gonna be for any other relationship-typical contact?” To which Dazai just gave a small, slow nod.

“I can’t even really imagine hugging as a form of contact right now.. And I can already tell you that it’ll take a long time to  get even close to stuff like.. Kissing.. nd such.. And I don’t even know if I’ll ever feel comfortable enough to go beyond that.. So.. If that’s what you want from a relationship, I’m definitely not the best choice.”

Chuuya hummed. Somehow, he still didn’t seem like he was anywhere near getting up and running off. How was he this calm about stuff..?

“Anything else?” He asked. Dazai tightened his grip on his cup.

“There will be days where I won’t manage to leave my bed. There will be times where I won’t even have the energy to reply to messages. I’ll probably worry you, or scare you, even without meaning to. I’ll ghost you, or ignore you, but not because you did something, just because I’m just.. At my limit. I don’t know how to talk to people, how to socialize. I don’t know how to integrate myself into friend circles. I don’t even have any friends in the first place. I’ll cause others to question why you’d even bother hanging out with me out of your own free will. You’ll probably be branded a weirdo, just like me, just for hanging out with me, and overall I won’t make anything in your life better. I’ll just make stuff difficult..”

Chuuya hummed and sat up straight. “That’s all?” He asked, casually, like there was nothing bad about anything he said whatsoever.

Dazai played with his bandages again as he tried to look back at Chuuya. “I mean.. There’s probably more but-”

“Challenge accepted.”

Dazai’s brain came to a halt and he froze, eyes widening. “...What?” Chuuya smiled. “I said: Challenge accepted, Dazai. We’ll figure this out.”

Chuuya was actually gonna agree to this? How even-

“Are you sure sure you actually heard all of that?” Dazai asked, perplexed. Chuuya snickered. “Yes, I’m sure sure.” Then he calmed down a little and held out his hand to which Dazai responded by resting his own on top. It still felt difficult, and stressful, but he believed that maybe he could get used to this.

“We’ll take thís at your pace, Dazai. Small steps. I can wait. And we’ll slowly work through this. Give me a chance?”

There it was again. The warm, fluttery feeling when Chuuya looked at him with those eyes. The redhead squeezed his hand softly, and Dazai let out a quiet gasp. Chuuya really seemed serious about this.

…And so, Dazai squeezed his hand right back and nodded. “A- Alright. If you’re actually willing to go through with this?” Chuuya smirked. “Gladly. So… Boyfriends?”

The word felt so weird and foreign, and yet it sounded like a nice dream.

“Yea, boyfriends.” Dazai agreed. Chuuya pulled out his phone and handed it to Dazai. “Your number?”

And for the first time in his life, Dazai had a contact that wasn’t a member of his family or Oda and Mori.

—

That evening, after staying out quite a bit later than what was normal for him, Dazai returned home. And only when the mansion came into his line of sight, did he actually have some thoughts appear in his head. Was his father back yet? Surely he wasn’t… He couldn’t be.

…At least Dazai hoped he wasn’t.

“Young Master Tsushima.” The butler greeted him at the entrance. Dazai cringed at the name he’d been called. He hated that name and all it stood for. Alas… The staff didn’t know that. And so Dazai just nodded and passed by the man into the building. The door closed, and he was completely trapped again. Stuck inside a house that hadn’t felt like home in eleven years.

He quietly snuck up the stairs to get to his room as quickly as possible and hopefully be able to remain there, safe and alone, for the rest of the night. The lack of immediately getting asked to come to the office was an indicator for his father still being absent.

Dazai would love it if he remained gone.

As he passed by the quiet office to get to his room, he noticed an anomaly. One of the nearby doors stood wide open. A door that was supposed to have been sealed when he was eight. 

Bile rose in his throat. His legs felt as though they’d suddenly grown ten times heavier.

A light purple dress, long black hair, lifelessly swaying in the midnight wind.

Dazai forced himself to remain calm, though there was no way to fully suppress the shakiness of his hands.

Get in there Osamu. You’ve been in this position too many times to count.

And so he walked up to the room and peeked inside. And there, in the fading light, stood a familiar female person, folding clothes with numb, repetitive motions.

“Mother?” He asked quietly, stepping into the room. No response. As always. Dazai sighed and walked over to the bed. His mother’s expression was blank, her eyes glassy. Like she was in a trance, living in a reality that had ceased to exist a long time ago.

Dazai took his mother, Tane, by her hands. She stopped folding the clothes, but her expression didn’t clear up. “Shuuji dear? Do you need something?” She asked in that same exact tone of voice that held nothing but emptiness.

“Why are you folding grandma’s clothes again?” He asked, though he already knew the answer, because it was the same every time this happened. His mother dropped her hands to her sides, standing there like a statue, unmoving. “She’s gonna want her clothes once she comes back home.” She spoke. Dazai’s hands balled into fists, nails digging into his skin. Stay calm. His mother needed him right now.

 “Mother, she’s not coming home, remember? She won’t ever come home again. Let’s just get out of here shall we? You should get some rest. You look tired.” And despite her almost robotic insistence on folding old clothes, she didn’t fight back when Dazai tugged her out of the room and closed the door. He didn’t bother locking it. Somehow, it was always gonna end up unlocked again anyway.

Dazai sat her down on the bed in her room before grabbing a glass of water and giving it to her. Trying to give it to her, at least. Because she wasn’t actually holding the glass, it would always slip right through her fingers, like she wasn’t even aware it was there and she was supposed to take it.

Dazai raised the glass to her mouth.

“Open.” He simply commanded. Tane obliged with no resistance whatsoever. Dazai carefully poured the water into her mouth. “Swallow.” He continued. His mother did as she was told. And so that went on, until Dazai had made sure she’d gotten two glasses of water in her system. It was probably the only thing she drank today. Maybe he’d check up on her later and give her some more. Her skin was almost paler than his own, which was an achievement in itself.

After he managed to give his mother something to drink, he sat down at her side, remaining right there in silence for a while. His mother wasn’t moving. Meanwhile he was struggling to sit still. Maybe…

“Hey, mother?” He spoke up. “Shuuji dear?” Do you need something?” She asked, again, the exact words, like a broken record. Dazai once again pulled his sleeves over his hands in an attempt to comfort himself.

“There’s this really amazing guy in my class that I’ve liked for a long time now. And today he asked me out! I’ve got a boyfriend now. Never thought that day would come, hm?”

He sent a hopeful glance in his mother’s direction, just for that hope to immediately get crushed as he didn’t receive any reaction again.

“That’s really great, Shuuji dear.” She spoke again, monotone, unaware of her own words.

“...What did I just tell you?” Dazai asked, one last try. But of course, the answer was as expected.

“I don’t remember.” Tane said.

…After that, Dazai told her goodnight and left the room, just to return to his own and lie down on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

He briefly opened his messages to check on a picture Chuuya sent him. A picture of the pretty redhead and a taller blond with a very similar style to Chuuya’s, both holding a peace sign into the frame.

‘Making dinner with my brother. One of these days imma invite you over too! Text you later?’

Dazai stared at the picture for a good five minutes. They looked happy, energetic… And Dazai really questioned how he’d gotten the privilege of such a bright person being interested in him.

‘Send me pics of the food later. And I’d be happy to come over someday :) Text you later!’

The house was silent. No one was making dinner. Maybe his aunt would, later. Just to then have a tense meal where his father was angry and his mother completely absent.

Dazai hugged his phone close to his chest and curled in on himself.

…He felt so unbelievably alone.

Chapter Text

Dazai really liked the outside area of the gym. Not because he liked PE, gods no. Rather… Because outside of class, in the mornings and evenings, it was rather peaceful. Sure, the school’s sports teams regularly held practice out here. But they were mostly too busy with their training to notice him anyway.

One of the downsides, however, was that it was cold. Especially now in April when the weather hadn’t quite made up its mind yet. Alas… Usually, when he was out here, he wasn’t too bothered by the temperature. Mainly because he was often stuck in his head when he was here.

Not today though. Today, he was overly aware of the cool morning air. He shivered, hugging himself closer as he curled into a small ball on a bench, legs pulled to his chest.

This morning, Dazai had fled from home as quickly as possible to avoid his father. He hadn’t really felt like risking a confrontation today. Not when there was a person at school waiting for him. He couldn’t just leave Chuuya hanging a mere day after they established their relationship. He was already sure he’d give the guy enough problems as is.

Unfortunately, wanting to avoid his father meant he had to leave the house at six AM or earlier. Well, wasn’t like he slept much anyway. But now he was at least safe until later. He wouldn’t end up so out of it that he felt incapable of getting up from bed. 

Right now, it was seven AM. Class would start in an hour, and that was also the approximate amount of time he’d have to spend sitting here. And while it was probably still gonna get warmer over time, right now, he was stuck like this.

“WATCH OUT.” Someone yelled, abruptly breaking Dazai out of his thoughts, just in time for him to react and catch a soccer ball right before it hit him square in the face. With wide eyes, he blinked at the object he was holding, then at the person who had yelled, then back at the object. Slowly, he lowered his arms and threw the ball right back to where it came from.

“Jesus Christ. Do you have a death wish? What’re you doing, sitting over here in the danger zone where our balls sometimes go?” The person asked. Dazai didn’t recognize the guy, so it wasn’t someone from his class, at least. He just silently shook his head. The guy sighed. “Listen, weirdo, I don’t know what your agenda is, but could you please sit around and be depressed somewhere else? I really don’t feel like taking on any consequences for accidentally hurting you. …Though I guess you are completely wrapped in bandages anyway so… Might not even be necessary.”

Dazai remained quiet and looked away. I’m literally just sitting here. This place doesn’t belong to you. But of course he kept his mouth shut, rather than speaking his thoughts out loud.

“What. Too good to talk to me now or–” The guy started. Dazai made himself even smaller, trying to suffocate the person’s voice to the best of his abilities. Not that it worked too well, that is. 

Can you please leave? Stop being annoying. I didn’t do a thing.

However, turns out he wouldn’t have to awkwardly sit here for too much longer. As after just a few more moments…

“I think that’s quite enough, moron. Just take the fucking ball back to the team so they can continue playing.”

That voice was familiar. Very familiar. And it easily ignited a small shimmer of hope in Dazai’s chest.

“Y- Yes Nakahara. Got it.” The guy quickly responded, seemingly embarrassed at getting caught. Then he quickly walked back to the team. Dazai’s eyes followed him for a while, before returning to the figure of his boyfriend who was standing over him with crossed arms, also looking in the direction the guy disappeared to.

Chuuya was wearing the school’s PE uniform, matching shoes, and a sports team jacket that, while having his name on the back, seemed like it was a few sizes too large for his smaller frame. Somehow, despite the early hour, despite the wind, he still looked perfect.

Chuuya sighed and turned his attention back to Dazai. And his previously a little tense expression morphed into the smallest of smiles. “Morning Dazai.” He said. Dazai, still very much immersed into just- looking at the other teen, barely managed to stutter out a ‘Good morning’ as well. Chuuya plopped down at his side and absent-mindedly watched the soccer players in the distance.

“You okay?” Chuuya asked. Dazai tilted his head. “...Why wouldn’t I be?” Chuuya rolled his eyes and gently elbowed him into the side. “Idiot. You know what I’m talking about.” …And of course Dazai did. And so he sighed and uncurled from his position, leaning back, a little more relaxed. Chuuya was radiating warmth. It was actually pretty comfortable.

“‘Ts okay. I’m used to it. They talk, and talk, and talk, because they need someone to annoy to make themselves feel better. This is barely anything. I’ve heard so much worse.” Chuuya tilted his head. “ANd no one’s standing up for ya?” Dazai shrugged. “You do. But there isn’t really anyone else. Not amongst the students, at least. They only ever talk to me if they want to annoy me or need me for something.”

The two teens were quiet for a moment. Dazai wanted to change the topic. He just really didn’t feel like unpacking that part of his miserable life right now. He was certain he’d get to it eventually. And so he just shook his head and looked over at Chuuya. “You’re on the soccer team, right? Pretty sure that was a thing about you. Don’t you gotta go back to your teammates or-” Chuuya shook his head, cutting him off. “I can’t play today. Sprained my ankle at last week’s training and now teach won’t let me participate for two weeks.”

Dazai looked at him, surprised. “...And you’re here anyway? Despite the cold and not being able to actually participate?” Chuuya shrugged. “Even if I can’t play, there’s still a theoretical part where we learn more about soccer and everything related to it. Plus… I enjoy hanging out with my teammates. Being part of a sports team is a special kind of close you don’t really get anywhere else.”

Closeness, being part of a team, working together with others and having fun…

“Yea?” Dazai asked, hugging himself again. “Must be nice then.” Chuuya hummed and smiled. “It is nice. Some of them can be assholes sometimes, but they get nicer when you get to know them. You? Got any friends outside of school? I only ever really see you by yourself.”

Right. About that…

“I don’t have friends. Not in school and not outside of school. Gets a little difficult to even make any if the entire world around you only sees the bandages and your overall rather quiet approach to existence.” 

Chuuya looked at him, a thoughtful expression on his face. “...No friends? Really? Damn. Sounds like it sucks.” Dazai shrugged. “I’m used to it. It’s just a state of being, I guess. It’s as much part of my life as all the other stuff.”

‘Cause if you keep getting rejected and put down by everyone over and over again, you eventually stop trying and accept your fate.

“I’m okay, really. I can be alone.”

Doesn’t mean I want to.

“Means I have more time for myself.”

That you spend lying in bed, stuck in your head, waiting for the days and hours to pass and for everything to get better one day (A day that you know, realistically, won’t happen if this keeps going).

“Plus, I have you now!” 

Which might be true, but the consequences of a non-existent social life won’t just go away overnight by getting yourself a boyfriend.

“I’m fine.”

You’re not.

Chuuya gave him another one of these calculating looks, like he was able to read his thoughts perfectly and knew exactly what was going on in there. And Dazai could almost see gears in his head turn, like he was thinking about something. Though he didn’t say a word. 

The wind picked up. Dazai found himself shivering again.

“Cold?” Chuuya asked. Dazai thought about denying that at first but… In the end, there’d be no use lying, especially if Chuuya could see it regardless. And so he responded with a small nod. Chuuya hummed.

“Look- I’d hug you-”

Dazai tensed up, his skin feeling like there were a million bugs crawling under it.

“...But I know you’re not ready for that yet.”

The strange feeling immediately stopped and Dazai blinked at his boyfriend, surprised.

“So…”

Chuuya easily shrugged off his sports jacket and held it out for Dazai to take. Dazai’s eyes widened. “Wait- Aren’t you gonna end up being cold then?” He asked. Chuuya shook his head with a small smirk. “I’ll be fine! Plus: These PE uniforms are warm enough anyway. Just take it!”

And so Dazai did, carefully slipping on the jacket. The fact that it was too big for not only Chuuya, but him as well, made it comfortably baggy. Which was perfect. Dazai liked clothes like this.

He tugged the jacket closer around his body and already felt a lot warmer. That, along with Chuuya’s scent, was actually pretty amazing. He looked over at Chuuya and attempted to offer him a small smile (Which he was pretty sure looked like his body didn’t remember how smiling actually works). And despite how wonky it probably was, the sentiment still seemed to get across to Chuuya.

“...Can I take a picture?” Chuuya asked after a while. Dazai tensed up and looked at him, surprised. “Why would you–”, “One: My brother wanted to know what you look like. And two:...” His expression softened a little. “...I just want a picture of my boyfriend looking cute in my jacket.” 

Dazai felt his heart skip a beat.

“It’s okay if you don’t want me to. I mean- I know it can be difficult for some people to–”, “Take it.” Dazai himself was actually pretty surprised as to how quickly that response left his mouth. “‘Ts okay. Just. …Keep it to yourself will you? Well, you can show your brother but-” Chuuya chuckled softly. “Yea, I got it. I’m not sending it to anyone or uploading it anywhere. I’ll keep it to myself and only show it to my brother. That okay?”

Dazai nodded and posed for the picture as best as he could, ft. the awkward, I-don’t-know-what-to-do-with-my-hands, peace sign with one hand, hiding half of his face in Chuuya’s jacket. And as Chuuya took the picture, Dazai realized that he was pretty sure no one had really taken a picture of him since he was very small when his parents still loved him. 

Not that he liked having pictures taken of himself but…

Maybe he’d allow Chuuya to do just that. Might make for some self-therapeutic training.

—

Even though they had mutually decided not to be public with their relationship for the moment, Dazai ended up keeping Chuuya’s jacket throughout the entire school day (It was nice and cozy okay!). And while he did get some confused looks thrown his way, it wasn’t anything too bad and no one was asking questions.

Soon enough, the school day was over and Dazai got up, waiting outside of the classroom to return the jacket to his boyfriend. Though as he asked Chuuya about it, the other teen just shook his head. “You can keep it for a while if you want. I’ve got another two of the same exact jacket at home.” …Well, if he was offering.

“That being said. Do you happen to have some time to spare today?” The redhead then asked. Dazai tilted his head, surprised. “I mean yea but-”, “Awesome! ‘Cause if you wanna, I could take you to band practice with me?” 

Band practice?

Right, he was able to recall something about Chuuya having a band with his friends.

“It’s just me, Shirase and Yuan. They’re my best friends and they’ve known that I had a crush on you for longer than I knew myself. So… No danger there. Plus: They’re actually pretty easy to get along with. …And they’re eager to meet you.” Chuuya nervously rubbed the back of his neck. “I just thought that maybe they could be a first attempt at getting you some friends? Considering you told me you don’t really have any.

Friends, hm?

Maybe he could give this a try.

“Alright. I’ll come with you. But.. I can’t guarantee this will go as you planned it.” He agreed. Chuuya shrugged and walked ahead, Dazai followed. “Who cares. It’s worth a try, I’d say. And if it doesn’t work out too well then you can just say you’re there to support me!” Which was enough of a motivation for Dazai to catch up to his boyfriend and follow him wherever he was going.

—

Turns out, The Sheep (their band name) had a small self-made studio. Well, not really a studio. Rather… A garage they had turned into a studio. Chuuya explained that, about half a year ago, the house of Shirase’s family had  gotten a bigger garage built to accommodate their growing vehicle collection. Therefore they didn’t need the old one anymore and Shirase’s parents had allowed him to turn it into a permanent studio for their band practice. So of course they had taken that opportunity.

“I already told them you’re coming, so they’re expecting you.” Chuuya said as they walked towards the garage. Dazai was staying close behind Chuuya for now. “...And they’re really okay with it? I mean- I don’t wanna interfere with your practice and–” He started. Chuuya rolled his eyes. “‘Ts perfectly fine, Dazai. They’re really excited to have you here. I promise.”

Dazai followed Chuuya into the building and took in the surroundings. About half of the space was taken up by some huge speakers, some stage lights, as well as the makeshift stage, consisting of a set of drums, an electrical keyboard, as well as a microphone and an electrical guitar leaning against a nearby wall.

The other half of the room included a shelf with a bunch of papers, folders, and a whole collection of CDs, as well as some small trinkets that looked like merchandise sold at concerts. Next to the shelf, a table with a bowl of sweets on top and three chairs. They also had a small fridge, probably to store cold drinks. 

One corner of the studio was also occupied by three mattresses with a huge amount of pillows and blankets, as well as two school bags thrown to the ground (Three when Chuuya also set his down there). The wall over the mattresses, pillows and blankets was decorated with more polaroids and other types of pictures than Dazai could count, showing Chuuya, or any of his friends, or any combination of them, on concerts, hanging out, or doing other stuff. Good pictures, stupid pictures, all right there on display.

This place actually looked alive… Like they had spent a lot of time here, made a lot of memories, and turned this into a sort of home .

Was this a thing some friend groups did?

“Holy crap you actually brought him!” A cheerful female voice sounded from the direction of the door, pulling him out of his thoughts. “Shirase! Come here! It’s the boyfriend!”

Dazai, feeling a little like he’d just been punched in the face with energy, helplessly looked at Chuuya, then at Yuan, then at Chuuya again. Chuuya, being very helpful, just snickered and sent him a look of encouragement that made Dazai pout. 

The pink-haired girl walked up to him and crossed her arms, offering him a smile. “Hey there! I’m Yuan, but you probably know that already. Welcome to the studio, Dazai! Can’t believe Chuuya really managed to bring you here! We’re happy to have you!”

And Dazai had no idea what to do with how welcoming she was. Never before had he experienced this kind of behavior directed at him.

A moment later, the silver-haired guy, Shirase, also entered the garage and joined them, expression lighting up as he saw Dazai. “Hey man! Glad you could actually make it! Wasn’t sure whether you even wanna meet us! I’m Shirase!”

He held out his hand and Dazai froze in place, eyes darting all over the place. Was he supposed to–

“No handshake?” Shirase asked after a moment, Dazai was still frozen. Do something stupid body. Move! It’s just a handshake, it can’t be that difficult! 

But his body wasn’t reacting to the words his brain was screaming. …He was just gonna mess up again was he. Make things awkward, make people dislike him… How was he even supposed to make any social contact with anyone if he couldn't even manage this?! 

All of them are gonna think you’re an idiot. They’re gonna send you away, not want you here, they’re never gonna forget this and use it as a way to mess with you forever, they’re–

Shirase shrugged and pulled his hand back with a smile. “There’s probably a friendship level I gotta reach for you to agree to this, hm? Alright. First step of integrating Chuuya’s boyfriend into the group: Win his trust so he’s gonna be fine with handshakes! I’ll work on it dude!”

Wait.

What?

“Anyway, do you want something to drink? Water? Soda? Anything?”

Dazai still couldn’t move.

No teasing, no messing with him, the guy just shrugged it off, not saying another word, seeming not upset at all.

“Give him a moment to process everything, Shirase. You’re overrunning him with your hospitality!” Yuan scolded. Shirase laughed, sounding a little embarrassed. “Sorry ‘bout that, just- trying to make sure he’s gonna be fine hanging out with us as well”

They really wanted him to be.. Part of their group? Had he somehow fallen into an alternate universe?

“...I think I’ll just take some water.” He managed to say after his body finally unfroze. Yuan nodded and skipped over to the mini fridge. “Carbonated or nah?” She asked. “...Carbonated?” Dazai responded. Yuan nodded and then handed him a bottle. “Here ya go! Take whatever you want from this fridge by the way! It’s for all of us! As for your school bag… You can just throw it over to where ours are! Make yourself at home!”

And so Dazai did as he was told, setting his bag down right next to Chuuya’s, who followed him and leaned on the wall next to him. “You okay?” He asked quietly. Dazai closed his eyes to try and name what he was feeling. 

…He wasn’t uncomfortable.

Somehow it was actually quite the opposite.

He’d been here for five minutes and yet it somehow already felt much better than the Tsushima mansion.

“It’s.. nice.” Dazai named the feeling, looking at Chuuya, then over at Shirase and Yuan who were reading through a music note sheet. “They’re.. nice.” He added. Chuuya’s face morphed into a triumphant expression. “So… Does that mean you’re staying for practice?” He then asked. Dazai nodded. “Yea, I will.”

—

Turns out, the three of them were actually pretty good. Shirase with the drums, Yuan with the keyboard, and Chuuya with his singing and the electric guitar. And Dazai even managed to stay in the same room throughout it all, despite the loud sounds! …Though he had a feeling they decided to play more calm and quiet songs this time to accommodate him. …Which was pretty thoughtful, actually.

As Yuan and Shirase were discussing something about some part of their last song, Chuuya set down his guitar and the mic and dropped to the ground next to the chair Dazai was sitting on. 

…And then he lazily plopped his head down on Dazai’s lap, completely catching him off-guard. Though it wasn’t a bad feeling. Sure, unfamiliar, but somehow…

“Is this okay?” Chuuya asked, looking up at him through his lashes. Dazai felt his cheeks redden. Chuuya looked… really cute and pretty like this. Face flushed from exhaustion, breath a little shaky, his hair all over the place…

And before he could even overthink his own actions, his hand made its way to rest on top of Chuuya’s head, trying to somehow make it less messy. “Yea, this is fine.” He confirmed. 

Chuuya all but melted into his touch, closing his eyes as he relaxed. “Alright. You better tell me if I do anything that makes you uncomfortable, got it?” Dazai hummed. “Got it.”

“Hey lovebirds!” Shirase called over, making Dazai freeze as he realized they were, in fact, not alone. Still, he didn’t take his hand away from Chuuya’s hair as he looked up. 

Shirase lifted his phone up. “My mom’s making Pizza for dinner. What do you want on it?” Right. It was getting late already. Dazai should probably go text his aunt that he was gonna stay out for a little longer.

Chuuya looked up at him. “Want anything specific too?” Dazai quickly shook his head. “No. I’ll just take whatever I can stomach.” Chuuya hummed and nodded. “Alright.” Before placing his request. Now they’d just have to wait.

The Pizza tasted pretty good, actually. Which was surprising, because Dazai often had a hard time stomaching any food. And while he did feel a little uncomfortable after dinner (He managed to eat two slices! Which was actually a pretty big achievement in his book), he didn’t want to throw up. So… It was alright. …Though he still wanted to go home afterwards. Well, he’d rather not go home , actually. He just needed some alone time. This day had been pretty exhausting.

Thankfully, Chuuya once again easily noticed.

“Shirase, Yuan, imma go take this idiot home alright? It’s getting late.” Both of the other teens nodded. “Alright, got it. See you at school tomorrow! Oh and- what are we doing on your birthday again?”

Birthday?

Chuuya’s birthday was coming up?

“We’re just gonna chill at my place. Eat some cake, watch some movies, have a sleepover. Nothing too big. Just bring regular sleepover stuff. We’ll take care of the rest! Cya at school!”

And then Chuuya and Dazai grabbed their bags, leaving the garage on their way home.

“Your birthday is coming up?” Dazai asked after a while. Chuuya nodded. “Yup. Turning 16 already. ‘Ts next week Friday. …You wanna come?” Dazai gave the question some thought. Sure, it would probably be nice to celebrate Chuuya’s birthday but… He had no idea if he was gonna make it through a sleepover with a bunch of people he didn’t know.

“How many people are gonna be there?” He asked. Chuuya shrugged. “Just a handful. Yuan and Shirase, obviously, as well as maybe three or four of my other friends. You don’t have to come, obviously. But if you want, you’re very much invited. And if it gets too much, we’ve got plenty of space for you to go hang out on your own for a while. You don’t even gotta sleep in the same room as we do. Or sleep at mine at all. Whatever you feel alright with.”

Staying away from home would be nice. And maybe he’d manage, as long as he’d get some alone time as well.

“...I’ll try, alright? And.. If it gets too much, I’ll take a break or go home. That good?” 

Chuuya nodded. “Of course. I’ll send you the details later.”

It was quiet for a moment. Then, Chuuya spoke up again. “Hey Dazai?”

And then he carefully took a hold of Dazai’s hand. And somehow Dazai’s fingers automatically closed around his boyfriend’s. It was evening, there was no one in the streets, they’d be alright. He didn’t have to worry.

“Thanks for coming today. I knew you’d get along with them!”

And once again, Dazai’s mouth was quicker than his brain.

“Can I come along next time as well?”

Chuuya looked up at him, surprised, then he grinned. “‘Course! Come along whenever.”

Chapter Text

When Dazai returned home from band practice, it was dark already. The house was eerily silent and he couldn’t even find the family butler anywhere. …Which was either a good sign, or a bad sign, depending on the reasoning for the silence. There was the silence where his father hadn’t come back yet, which was the bad sign (Because it meant that the worst had yet to come), and the silence where his father was already unconscious, which was the better sign, because it meant he’d missed the worst.

Then again, whenever the second type of silence was the case, it always came with the additional consequence that someone other than him had become the victim.

…Most of the time, that would be his mother. And today… Today was no different.

“It’s okay, Tane. You’re alright. The bleeding has almost stopped.” A gentle, quiet, female voice sounded from the mansion’s medical room. Like on autopilot, Dazai slowly stepped closer to the room. The words, the scene, all of it familiar.

Inside the dimly lit room, his mother was sitting on an armchair, lifeless, her dark hair falling into her face. In front of her, currently tying off a bandage, another familiar woman. Tall, with brown, chin-long hair and sad eyes.

“Kiye?” Dazai asked into the room, keeping his voice down so he wouldn’t startle anyone. His aunt turned around and offered him a small smile that radiated a little bit of warmth in this otherwise horrifying place that was his home. “Hey Osamu. Welcome home. Had fun?” Dazai just remained silent and walked up to the two women, inspecting the situation.

His mother’s skin was pale, as it was most of the time. Today though, it was covered in bruises and cuts. Some larger, some smaller, though it seemed like Kiye had already bandaged up the worst of them. Still, just seeing them made Dazai feel sick to his stomach.

“I was too late. Couldn’t protect her.” Dazai mumbled. It should’ve been him. It should always be him. Because his mother had already suffered enough. So much so, that she wasn’t even functional anymore. At least he could still drink, eat and do stuff on his own. She couldn’t. Therefore he should’ve been the one to take the hits.

“What do I keep telling you again, Osamu?” His aunt hummed, putting the bandages back where they belonged. Dazai looked down. “That it’s not my purpose to go throw myself into the line of fire and that I should keep myself safe. I know.”

But if he didn’t, then maybe his mother might no longer even be physically alive soon. It was too much of a risk.

“Moving on.” He started, trying to change the topic. “How's the talking with the clinic going?” He asked, wrapping his catatonic mother in a warm blanket. Kiye sighed. “They’re having problems with space right now. Too many patients. But if everything goes well, they might have a free room for her around mid-june.” Which, while it was still around two months away, was a start at least.

“You sure they won’t have space sooner?” Dazai asked. His aunt just shook her head. “Not for someone who’s gonna have to stay there for an unknown amount of time. So we’ll just have to wait it out. You sure this is okay with you though? I mean- A psychiatric hospital–”

Dazai immediately cut her off before she could say another word and potentially trigger anything in his brain. “She needs that treatment, Kiye.. My opinion and personal experiences aside, this might be our last hope. She’s either gonna get worse here, or she’s gonna get worse or better there. So if there’s any chance they might be able to help her..”

His vocal cords seemed to give out on him right then and there and he just shut his mouth, swallowing down the lump in his throat. Kiye’s expression softened and she tugged Dazai into a hug, allowing him to hide his face in her chest.

“I don’t want a repeat of grandmother..” He eventually managed to get out. Kiye’s hold on him tightened. “Alright. It’s okay, Osamu. You don’t have to keep talking or thinking about it. I’m honestly just very proud that, even after everything, you’re still willing to trust that they might be able to help her.”

For a while, they just stood there in the hug, Dazai trying to focus on the fingers running through his hair. Until he carefully pulled away. “Better.” He spoke quietly. And Kiye, understanding the signal, easily let him go to give him some space, turning around to pick her sister up and take her to her room. It was always a little terrifying to watch, how his mother wasn’t moving whatsoever, limbs and body bending in whatever shape someone put them in with no resistance whatsoever. Like a dead body or a hyper realistic doll.

“Have you eaten?” Kiye asked as they walked up the stairs. Dazai made sure to do his very best not to look at the man lying on the couch as they passed the living room. His face made him sick. “I ate two slices of Pizza. Does that count?” He asked.

His aunt looked at him a little surprised and, despite the situation, there was a small twinkle in her eyes. “You actually did?” Dazai responded with a small nod. “Yea. Remember that one classmate I sometimes tell you about? He invited me to come watch him and his friends at band practice. And we had Pizza afterwards.”

Kiye smiled a little. “So… You’re saying you had dinner with your friends?” She asked as she set Tane down on the bed, tucking her in properly. Dazai sat down on the mattress, kicking his feet a little. “Not sure if they qualify as friends quite yet or how I feel about that but… That classmate of mine did invite me to his birthday sleepover next weekend so… Actually, speaking of that- I’ve got a small request.” 

Kiye immediately understood the message and nodded. “Got it. I’ll think of a story to tell your father. Go spend time with your maybe-possibly friends, alright? Call me if you need something or if it gets too much. I’ll be there.” 

—

Dazai had never, ever been to another person’s birthday party. And his family never exactly celebrated birthdays for obvious reasons. Sure, his aunt made sure to get him a thoughtful present and bake him a cake every year. But that was as far as his experience with birthdays went. Therefore he had no idea what to expect, or how he was gonna take it.

Dazai didn’t know what exactly to get as a birthday gift, and so he eventually just settled on bringing him a card and a bag of various handmade sweets from his part-time job (aka: his aunt’s coffee shop who employed him to give him more opportunities to spend less time at home and also help him make some money that would hopefully get him out of his hellish homelife one day). And when the day came, he made sure to keep everything safe in his bag as he snuck out of the house in the afternoon and made his way to the address Chuuya had given him.

It was the 28th of April, and the way the party was structured was that they’d hang out, play games, have fun, watch some movies, and celebrate into the night so they’d still be up when the clock struck midnight and it would officially be Chuuya’s 16th birthday. Then they’d stay up for a while longer until they were too tired to do so, and then they’d go to sleep.

It sounded manageable for now but… He’d see how it would go. Thankfully, his considerate boyfriend had already ensured that there’d be enough opportunity for him to get out of the situation if it was too much.

Dazai reached Chuuya’s house at point-blank four PM. Technically, the actual party would start at five but… Chuuya invited him to come over early to get accustomed to the place and so he could introduce him to his parents. And while his boyfriend told him not to worry, Dazai still was a little worried. Because what parent would want their child to date someone with so many problems? Still. He trusted Chuuya’s judgement. And Chuuya said it would be just fine.

The house was actually pretty nice looking. Definitely a rather modern architecture. Probably built within the last ten years. It had balconies. A garden with a pool, big windows… And it already looked much more comfortable than the Tsushima mansion ever did. Dazai double-checked, triple-checked, again and again and again, whether he’d really gotten the right address. God knows how shitty it’d feel if he was wrong. Was this the right house number? Was there actually possibly another street of the same name anywhere in Yokohama? Was he even in the right city, country, should he call Chuuya to confirm? No, that’d probably annoy him. Then again… if he actually wasn’t at the right address then-

“Alright that’s enough. Idiot. Did you forget how the doorbell works?” An amused voice sounded from the garden. Dazai jumped and flinched, staring at the person with wide eyes. There, watching him, stood a very familiar redhead, an amused smile on his face. Dazai opened his mouth, as if to say something, then closed it again, then opened it again, and then–

Chuuya started laughing. And the sound was bright, and happy, and didn’t sound at all like those evil voices that Dazai had heard his entire life when people his age were fucking with him. Somehow, it didn’t feel nearly as bad as any of those did.

“Haha. Very funny.” He grumbled, wishing for the ground to open up and swallow him whole. Chuuya shook his head, amused. And then he opened the garden gate to walk out to him. “Sorry- just.. Seeing you stand there with that whole internal panic going on…” Dazai crossed his arms. “Yea, I know, pathetic.” Chuuya shook his head. “Nah. It’s not pathetic. You’re fine. …Come in?”

And Dazai slowly nodded, grabbing Chuuya’s stretched out hand and allowing him to pull him through the gate.

The house looked even nicer on the inside, decorated with plants and art and pictures on the walls. It looked cozy and lived-in and like the family had truly done their best to make this place feel like home. A house that looked like the people living within well and truly loved each other. From pictures of a small (and very adorable) Chuuya, to pictures of him with his older brother, with what seemed to be his parents, with all of them… Family memories spanning years of their lives. Meanwhile Dazai couldn’t remember the last time he’d properly spoken to both his mother and father. All the family he really had was his aunt. And she was awesome, sure, but…

Nothing could ever replace the family he wished he could have.

 ̶T̶h̶e̶ ̶f̶a̶m̶i̶l̶y̶ ̶h̶e̶ ̶u̶s̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶

“Hey, earth to Dazai… Are you there?” Chuuya asked, pulling him back to reality. Dazai quickly shook his head and nodded. “Yea. Just. …Was looking at the pictures. You’re pretty close with your family, hm?”

Chuuya nodded, looking up at a big picture on the wall. It didn’t seem to be from too long ago, probably a year or so, showing Chuuya, his brother, as well as another guy with long black hair, looking to be around the same age as the latter, and their parents, standing together with the sunset and the ocean waves right behind them. “Yeah, we are. I’m really glad to have them.”

And once again, as so often, Dazai felt as though an unbreakable glass wall separated him from the outside world and its humans. Like he was trapped in this cage he’d never escape from, watching everyone else’s lives move, watching the planet spin, the sun rise and set, over and over again, while he couldn’t move a step past the starting line.

…Until they’d all be so far away that no single lifetime would be enough to catch up to them.

“Come on, you gotta meet them! My brother and my parents, I mean. They’ll love you. And who knows, maybe you can come along to our next family beach vacation. Paul always brings his boyfriend. It would sure as hell make me feel a lot less single.”

And then one person, a pretty boy with red hair and blue eyes, stopped and walked up to the glass cage, temporarily pausing his journey along time to reach out and rest his hand against the barrier.

And where his hand touched, cracks started to form.

“...I’d.. probably like that.”

Dazai reached out and placed his hand on the other side of the glass wall. He could feel the boy’s warmth through the smooth material.

More cracks appeared. Though it didn’t quite break yet.

But instead of giving up and moving on, leaving the cage behind for Dazai to fill up the cracks with stronger, even more unbreakable glass, the boy stayed right there with him, waiting. And maybe, one day, the cracks would be big enough for the glass to break.

And until then, the boy would just drag the cage along with his own strength. Until Dazai could break free and run at his side on his own.

—

Turns out, Chuuya’s brother, Paul Verlaine, was still out running some last-minute errands. Chuuya’s parents however, were home. And they almost smothered Dazai with their hospitality.

Fuku, Chuuya’s mother, looked like she had been waiting on this day for ages. “I can’t believe we finally get to meet the guy we’ve heard so much about! Chuuya talks about you very often, you know?” She said, offering Dazai a warm smile. Chuuya looked just like her in a way. His hair, his eyes, it was very similar.

“Mom! Don’t scare him off already! I did no such thing!” Chuuya complained, cheeks flushed, arms crossed as he tried to look angry with medium success. “Don’t be embarrassed now my son! It’s quite adorable!” His father added, teasingly. Chuuya looked like he wanted to simultaneously punch someone and die. An expression that somehow managed to draw a small snort out of Dazai. Oh well… The power you hold, Chuuya Nakahara. It truly is incredibly impressive.

“Would you like something to drink? Any special food requirements? Anything we can do for you dear?” Fuku asked, fussing over Dazai despite having just met him. Dazai was completely stunned into silence, absolutely not used to this.

“...Mom! You’re overwhelming him! Give him a break!” Chuuya scolded gently. His mother cleared her throat. “Alright alright honey, I know. I’m sorry. I’m just really delighted to finally meet him.” Dazai slowly managed to return to the realm of the living. “I- It’s alright Mrs. Nakahara–”, “Just call me Fuku, that’d be quite alright.” Dazai still felt a little overrun. But… 

“...I’ll have some apple juice, please.” He then mumbled, playing with the sleeves of his hoodie. “I’ll get right on it!” Chuuya’s father, Kensuke, responded, walking off to the kitchen. “Make yourself at home then, Dazai-kun! If you need anything, all you gotta do is ask.”

Then shee, too, returned to the celebration preparation.

“Sorry ‘bout that.” Chuuya grumbled, looking away. He still was red in the face. “They can be a lot, I know. But you’ll get used to it eventually. Dazai huffed in mild amusement. “‘Ts alright Chuuya. I’m just glad they seem to like me. At least I think so?” Chuuya looked at him for a second, then started laughing. “‘Course they fuckin’ do, dumbass! Told ya they would!”

Chuuya really did curse a lot. But strangely… His insults didn’t feel malicious. Rather affectionate, actually.

And the more he started talking to him like that, the more comfortable it somehow got.

—

Shirase and Yuan were the first ones to appear later that day, enthusiastically greeting Dazai, celebrating that he’d actually shown up. Though it did get more difficult and exhausting soon, as Chuuya also invited a few other people. The three of them were actually in the grade above their own. Well, to be fair, both Dazai and Chuuya had to repeat a year. For.. Different reasons. Chuuya hadn’t made it the first time because of his grades from what he heard. Meanwhile Dazai…

Actually, he’d rather not think about the reason he had to repeat the year.

…Let’s just say he missed a few months worth of classes.

More people meant more stress, especially because he didn’t know them beyond their names (Higuchi, Tachihara and Kajii) and the fact that they had the tendency to yell and scream and fight over video- and board games alike wasn’t making things much better. But… Dazai was perfectly fine with sitting at the side and watching Chuuya play. That was more than enough for him.

…That was until Chuuya decided it was time to integrate him and suddenly threw a controller into his lap. “Come on Dazai! Fight me!” And well, sure, he could probably do that but…

“I.. Actually don’t know how Mario Kart is played..?” He admitted quietly. Gasps filled the room, and for a moment Dazai felt like he’d just ruined his chances at a social life once again but..

“Well then it’s about time!” Tachihara announced, sitting closer to his side which made him tense up. Thankfully, the guy didn’t seem to notice. He just held out his hand. “Come on, I’ll play another round against Chuuya and show you the controls while I’m at it.”

No judgement.

So it wasn’t actually wrong to not know stuff sometimes, hm? It didn’t always have to get followed up by bullying.

And so Dazai decided to lock in and mobilize all of the social energy he had so he could give this a try.

—

“Nononono- Wait- yes. YES- WAIT WHAT. OH FUCK NO!”

Chuuya yelled, frustrated, as Dazai finished the race just two seconds before he did. “HAH! I won! You suck, Chibi!” Dazai responded as he set his controller down and stretched, watching Chuuya with great amusement.

“Your boyfriend’s fucking nuts Chuuya! He beat you like it was nothing!” Tachihara said and Dazai could almost see a vein on Chuuya’s forehead pop.

“Well, guess the champion title in this friend group’s no longer yours! Congrats Dazai!” Shirase teased. 

Dazai felt warm and even energetic. He couldn’t recall a single moment in his life where he’d been like this… Like he’d somehow found a way to temporarily forget all about everything. Not forget, not exactly. Just… Distracted from his shitty life by the people he was spending time with.

…He should do this more.

“Well.” Chuuya sighed, begrudgingly. “He is my boyfriend. I expected no less from him.” And despite his defeat, he sounded so proud (not only of the fact that Dazai won), and Dazai wanted to explode.

—

The day went on like this for a while. Turns out Dazai was actually able to get along with Chuuya’s friends. And they just sort of took him into their group without any additional questions. They played games, had snacks, played more games, but Dazai did notice that minute by minute, his energy levels were dropping into the abyss.

He was just not used to this yet. And it really was a lot .

Truth or dare was when he reached the end of his available energy reserves. He kind of really needed a break to recharge. Alas… He didn’t wanna interrupt the fun. Chuuya looked like he was having the time of his life.

Dazai did, however, learn a few things about the people in the room. Mainly romance stuff. But.. He had heard that finding out such things was a really big part of the game. He learned that Shirase and Yuan had shared their first kiss with each other and have been stuck in a will-they-won’t-they situation since. He learned that Kajii had never even been remotely interested in anyone because he was much too preoccupied with his nearly hyperfixation-like interest in all things explosives. He learned that, despite his popularity, Chuuya had never been in a relationship or done anything even slightly associated with a relationship before him. He learned that Higuchi first joined this friend group because she used to have a crush on Chuuya (Which she’d since gotten over and moved on from). And he learned that Tachihara had been a confused mess in regards to his sexuality for two years now and just couldn’t seem to come to a conclusion.

Soon enough though, it moved on to general questions about life and stuff. And Dazai was doing alright, aside from his exhaustion. That was until…

“Dazai, truth or dare?” Higuchi asked. Dazai, deciding to stay on the safe side, picked ‘truth’

“”Now, we all know that Chuuya had to retake a year because of his grades. But how about you? You disappeared from school for half a year and then also had to do the year again, so…”

Dazai froze.

“Obviously you don’t gotta answer but–”

“I’d rather not answer, actually.” He cut her off. Higuchi nodded. “Got it, it’s okay. Want another question then?”

Dazai weighed his options for a moment, but then he shook his head. This was an opportunity for a break and he’d happily take it.

“Imma take a small break. Be back in a bit.” Chuuya was about to get up and follow him but… Dazai waved him off. “‘Ts okay Chuuya, I’ll just sit outside in the garden for a while. Continue playing!” And then he was off.

The air outside was cool, but not biting cold. It was a comfortable cold, especially after being stuck in a stuffy room with so many people for the entire evening. Dazai closed his eyes and took a deep breath, sitting down on the ground and leaning against the wall, watching the clear sky and the stars high above.

He spent a few minutes quietly sitting there, only looking down for a minute to send his aunt an update on how he was doing. Maybe it was ten minutes, maybe it was 20, he wasn’t that sure. But it sure helped him to calm down and recover some energy.

Eventually though, he was interrupted by someone stepping outside. For a moment, he thought it was Chuuya and he was about to tell him he was alright but… The person standing there wasn’t Chuuya. Rather, it was the blond guy he’d seen in all the pictures.

Chuuya’s older brother.

“Hey there Dazai. Chuuya sent me to deliver some cake.” Verlaine said, setting down a plate and sitting down a few feet away. Dazai grabbed the plate. The cake did look really tasty. Maybe he could actually try it. “Thanks.” Dazai responded.

The two of them were quiet for a moment, then Verlaine spoke up again.

“So what’s the case for you? Alcohol? Drugs? Medical conditions? Other substances? Something else?” Dazai nearly jumped out of his skin and his eyes widened. What?!

“Me? Nothing. What’re you-” Verlaine shook his head. “No, not you, your family.”

How did he even?!

“I’d recognize that look anywhere. Kids with abusive backgrounds have a very specific type of sadness in their eyes.”

Dazai set the plate down and curled into himself against the wall. “Geez, you sure are blunt.” He responded quietly. Verlaine shrugged. “So I’m right then?”

Dazai thought of denying his words but… The guy had already seen straight through him. No use lying about it now.

“How’s ‘All of those combined’?” He asked. Verlaine raised an eyebrow. “Damn, you’ve got the full bingo card, hm? I had a feeling. When Chuuya told me about you- For the record: He didn’t tell me anything specific. He just said that you have serious problems and he wants to help you through them, so don’t be mad at him please - I immediately had my suspicions.”

Dazai looked up at him and sighed. “What are you, a psychologist?” Verlaine shook his head. “No, gods no. I’m just a victim. Like you.”

Dazai’s breath caught in his throat at how casual this guy was talking about it. Verlaine sent him a look. “I’m not gonna tell you my whole story, ‘cause I’m pretty sure the last thing you need is to hear about someone else’s suffering. But… I will tell you that I was miserable before Fuku and Kensuke adopted me. The two of them know every detail, Chuuya knows every detail, none of them are judgemental. So…”

Wait a second.

“Are you-”

Verlaine smiled. “That I am. You’re smart, aren’t you?”

Dazai slowly relaxed his position again as the unspoken message reached his brain.

‘If you want to tell anyone about this stuff. We’ll listen and be there for you. We’ll help you.’

Carefully, very carefully, Dazai grabbed his cake again and took a bite. Sweet, in a perfect way. Made by someone who, judging by the consistency and taste, may have similar experiences in regards to food.

“Does it ever get better?” He asked after a while. Verlaine hummed and reached over to ruffle his hair. Dazai noted that he moved his arm in a way that didn’t resemble an incoming hit whatsoever and instead signaled that the person meant no evil.

He didn’t flinch for once.

“It’s a difficult journey, and I can’t guarantee that it’ll ever fully go away but… With the right people around you and the right treatment in place, everything can get better. I speak from experience.”

—

After his talk with Verlaine and the cake he’d eaten, Dazai felt ready to go back inside, just in time for midnight. Chuuya first sent him a mildly concerned look, but Dazai walked up to his side and squeezed his hand.

“I’m okay.”

Chuuya’s expression softened and he nodded.

Soon enough, the countdown started and everyone wished the now 16-year-old a happy birthday.

…And Dazai even managed to give his very surprised boyfriend a hug. Sure, it was barely a second but… it was a start.

—

Around three AM, it was completely quiet in the house. Chuuya’s parents had gone to bed a long time ago. Verlaine had stayed until one AM, but eventually his boyfriend had come to pick him up and drive him back to their apartment. And by 2:30, even the hyperactive Yuan had fallen asleep to the movie that was playing.

Dazai was still awake. Sleep never came easy to him. And so he just absent-mindedly watched  the movie, despite his brain no longer picking up a word that was spoken. Until he felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to come face to face with Chuuya. Right, he was still awake as well.

“Hey dumbass. Not gonna sleep?” He asked quietly. Dazai shook his head. “I’m not allowed to bring my sleeping meds anywhere. My aunt’s the only person with the authority to give them to me at the times I’m supposed to take them.” He mumbled. Chuuya offered him a small smile. “...Wanna go outside then? On weekends I usually don’t sleep before 5 AM anyway.” And well, who was Dazai to say no to such an offer?

The two of them snuck through the house and out into the garden, sitting down on the comfy seating area near the pool. The lights under the water gave everything a gentle, blue glow that Dazai could easily get lost in, and the light, quiet swishing of the waves in the soft breeze made for steady white noise that seemed to calm each and every one of his thoughts.

And like this, Dazai for the first time ever witnessed Chuuya completely zoning out, staring at the water with a blank expression that, while probably seeming dissociative to some outsiders, Dazai knew to be the look on someone whose overactive brain finally came to a temporary rest.

Interesting.

That, paired with Chuuya’s usual incapability to properly sit still and the focus problems he knew the other teen struggled with…

Maybe he’d eventually ask him about it.

“You did really fuckin’ great today, y’know?” Chuuya said after a while, looking up as he returned to reality. “You stuck with the group and participated in most games almost the whole time. I’m proud of you, idiot.” His words, the smile, Dazai felt a lump in his throat. …A little bit of praise for something so incredibly minor and small, and he’d already found himself all choked up and swallowing down tears.

Why did he have to be so weird…

Dazai leaned back in his chair and stared at the sky in an attempt to calm himself down. “Thanks. Sure took a lot of my energy tho.” He mumbled, voice a little shaky. Strangely enough, Chuuya didn’t mention his emotional state at all.

“Well, it’s just us now. Feel free to recover. I can go back inside if you want?” Dazai shook his head and took a deep breath. “‘Ts okay like this. I.. actually do feel kind of relaxed around you. Just.. let me sit here for a while.

Chuuya just hummed and then turned to get lost in the pool again. And as Dazai focused on looking at his boyfriend, the choked up feeling in his throat slowly dissipated.

Chuuya looked pretty in the gentle lights. Like.. Really pretty. Like… I-wanna-take-a-picture-and-make-it-my-phone-background pretty. And before Dazai even knew what he was doing, the picture had already been taken. Chuuya looked up and a small, amused smirk appeared on his face. “Taking pictures of me now?” Dazai flushed bright red. “Sorry.. I just-” Chuuya shook his head. “I don’t mind, idiot. Take as many as you want.”

More cracks in his glass cage.

And slowly but surely, Chuuya’s hand broke through.

“Hey, uhm- Can I try something?” Dazai asked quietly. He didn’t know what had gotten into him but…

“Sure, go ahead.” Chuuya responded and shrugged. And Dazai, mobilizing all the courage he possessed, stood up from his chair. And just a moment later, he had a small redhead in his arms.

Chuuya gasped, surprised, freezing for a moment. And Dazai, instead of listening to his body and its urge to protect him from any closeness, fought against it and just hugged Chuuya tighter.

“Happy Birthday..”

He spoke quietly. And Chuuya absolutely melted into his arms. And when he hugged back, the uncomfortable feeling under Dazai’s skin slowly but surely turned into warmth.

“Thanks.”

Chuuya’s hand broke through the glass and tightened around his own. A small flame in his isolation. And Dazai had a feeling he wouldn’t let go so easily.

Chapter Text

“Stupid fucking brain, I beg of you, please just do something.” Chuuya said, hitting his head against the table. Dazai blinked at him, surprised. “Uhm… Are you o–”, “NO! It’s like there’s ten thousand thoughts at the same time and none of them is about the school work we’re supposed to be doing!”

Dazai flinched at the yelling and Chuuya’s eyes widened. “Fuck, sorry, didn’t mean to yell like that. It wasn’t directed at you, I swear.” …Which Dazai knew, of course, but he was starting to get worried.

“Chuuya, maybe we should take a small break. We’ve been here for an hour already, after all.” Chuuya looked like all the energy had left his body in an instant and he slumped over the table. “...And yet I have the feeling I’ve gotten no further than I was before.”

Dazai sighed and placed his hand on top of his boyfriend’s head. They were sitting outside at one of the tables on their schoolyard, studying. Well, Dazai was studying. Chuuya, in the meantime, had barely gotten through two pages of his maths book and looked like he was gonna lose his mind any moment.

The redhead closed his eyes and slowed his breathing, nuzzling in Dazai’s hand. “I don’t get it! It’s not even that difficult! So why do I feel like this?! My brain’s just not fucking cooperating.” He grumbled. Dazai played with some longer strands of the other’s hair. “You talk about your brain like it’s a separate entity from your body Chuuya. Have you noticed that?” He hummed, amused. Chuuya huffed. “Yea, and it’s a fucking asshole.” Dazai snorted. “That’s one way to put it, I guess. …Come here.”

Chuuya did as he was told and slid onto the bench on Dazai’s side of the table, plopping his head down on the brunette’s shoulder and closing his eyes. Dazai rested an arm around Chuuya’s torso and petted his hair.

Turns out once the barrier was broken, it was much, much easier to hug Chuuya again, and again, and again. And Dazai was slowly but surely realizing just how fucking touch-starved he actually was. …Unsurprisingly so, considering his total lack of social contact for most of his life. And slowly their hugs got longer, and longer. And by now, Dazai was even able to hold Chuuya against him like this without a second thought and without any significant uncomfortable feelings crawling through his body.

Having Chuuya’s warmth next to him was actually pretty nice…

“It’s been barely an hour, I haven’t done anything, and I’m already tired.” Chuuya mumbled and pressed his face further into Dazai. “‘Ts always like this and I fucking hate it. Why can’t I just be normal about studying…” He seemed genuinely upset at himself. Dazai has seen it occur quite a few times lately. Mostly with anything school-related. Regular Chuuya was often energetic, talked a lot, seemed like he enjoyed his life and nothing could bring him down. Meanwhile this Chuuya looked like all he wanted was to go home and lie down in bed and not leave its confines again.

Dazai hated that look on Chuuya. It made him sad.

“School’s not giving you a great time, hm?” Dazai asked. Chuuya shook his head. “It never did. I mean, some stuff does. You, my friends, PE, the parts about subjects that are actually interesting… But the entire rest of it just makes me angry and wish that I could get out as soon as possible. And there’s some days where I just lie awake in bed and think about what even the point of going there is. …I just wanna get through these last few years and never, ever step foot into a school again.”

…Which Dazai understood, albeit for a few different reasons.

And it just made him pull Chuuya into a tight hug, making the other teen squeak, surprised. “Dazai? What-”

“...And then you have to tell the teachers that you get sick quite often and for short amounts of time and lie to them over and over again and possibly even get a doctor on your side to help you with not quite legally given permits to stay home because the school wouldn’t accept ‘mentally incapable of going to class’ as a valid reason and tell you to stop being lazy or get punished.”

Chuuya let out a small gasp, and his fingers dug into Dazai’s back, continuing right where he left off.

“...And then you lay awake in bed all day, feeling even worse, and don’t allow yourself to do anything that you enjoy because you’re trying to punish yourself for not making it to class that day.”

The words evoked familiar emotions in Dazai. He’d been there. Hundreds of times. And so he added more.

“...And sometimes, when it gets really, really bad, you might even purposefully get yourself sick so you have a ‘valid’ reason to stay home. And then you feel even more like shit but at least you have proof to try and trick both yourself and others into the impression that it’s really because you’re sick that you’re not going and not because you just can’t. ”

The two of them just quietly sat there for a while and Dazai felt Chuuya bury his face in his shoulder, the boy’s breathing a little shaky. …Looks like Dazai hit a nerve.

“Your immune system isn’t the reason why you’ve got almost as many missed days as I do, hm?” Dazai asked, rubbing his boyfriend’s back. “Shut up.” Chuuya mumbled, but he didn’t let go. Dazai pressed his face into soft hair and shook his head. “I’m the last person who’s gonna judge you for that, Chuuya.”

Dazai wasn’t usually the one to comfort others. Sure, he tried with his mom, but she was so unresponsive that he might as well be trying to relieve a rock’s worries. His aunt always put on a brave facade, even when she was clearly struggling as the only ‘normal’ person in the family. And his grandmother…

Dazai had been too young. And his attempts at comfort weren’t enough to save her.

So having Chuuya here actually felt… Pretty nice. Like he had a purpose with him. He knew better now. There were things he could do. …Hopefully.

“Y’know Chuuya… Wanna know a secret tip on which teachers will actually care and listen to you?” He asked. Chuuya looked up, seemingly having calmed down. “Hold up.. There’s actually teachers who care?” He asked. Dazai nodded. “Mhm. They’re rare, and it’s impressive that this school’s got more than one of them. But… They exist. And they especially care about students with psychological struggles. You can come to them whenever you want. Oh and..”

Dazai offered his boyfriend a small smile.

“Text me next time you can’t make it to school. We can ditch together.”

And sure, this might not be the best or even any solution to this issue, but they could figure something out along the line.

Chuuya sighed. “You don’t gotta help me with my problems, Dazai. You’ve got enough of your own issues to work through. I don’t even know what exactly mine are!” Dazai shrugged. “So? We can find that out! Watch me! I’ll report back to you with a plan in a week! …Please? It’ll help me too! If I try to figure out a way to help you I’ll have less time to ponder my pointless existence in the universe.”

Chuuya just stared at him for a moment, then crossed his arms. “Hey now! Your existence is not pointless you–” Dazai interrupted him. “...So anyway, is that a yes?” Chuuya took a deep breath and looked away. “If that’s gonna make you happy, I guess?” Dazai grinned. “Thanks, Chuuya!”

Time for a game plan.

—

From that day on, Dazai kept an even closer eye on Chuuya to try and pinpoint where exactly his issues were. It gave him both a distraction from his own problems, as well as the opportunity to just watch his boyfriend exist. Which in itself was already quite nice.

Dazai saw a lot of it in the way he was in class. Fully there and present throughout parts of it, and then completely offline during the others. Quite fascinating. There were a few situations where it truly did feel like Chuuya blue-screened and almost fell asleep. Those being: When the teacher went on long, uninterrupted monologues about something, and during topics which were boring for all of those who weren’t interested in them.

Chuuya wasn’t bored though. He wasn’t playing with his pens, he wasn’t doodling anything on his notes, he wasn’t talking to his friends, he was just staring at either his papers or the blackboard, completely absent. So much so that, when the teacher called on him and asked him to answer a question, he couldn’t seem to remember what they were even talking about in the first place, eyes flying across the blackboard at top speed as though he was attempting to ingest and understand the entire topic of the lesson within three or four seconds before either saying that he didn’t know and being told to pay more attention, or saying something that made just enough sense for the teacher to let him off the hook, just for his brain to shut down once more the moment the teacher went for two minutes without paying him any mind.

Though Chuuya wasn’t asleep or unaware, no. He was just obviously not listening and zoned out.

…Until there were topics or keywords he seemed interested in or knew stuff about. In those cases, no matter how out of it he seemed just a second before, he’d immediately sit up straight and his hand would shoot up in the air before he’d blurt out the most detailed response to exist like he’d done nothing but listening and paying attention the entire lesson. Like those keywords immediately flipped a switch and kicked his brain in motion.

Dazai also did an extensive study on Chuuya’s behavior in school-related situations out of school. And, as expected, the problems didn’t disappear, they just took on a different form.

Namely the one that had been there from the start. That he’d stare at his school work and didn’t manage to process a single word even after reading the page in his book over and over again.

And slowly, day by day, Dazai filled up a checklist with things he could try.

“Why is every single bit of this just the most boring fucking thing in the world! Did the people who wrote these books even consider writing them in a way normal people who aren’t interested in the topics would still be able to understand them and not feel like falling asleep?”

Make stuff interesting.

“Why the fuck do we need half a page of 10pt words that could be summarized with a single fucking sentence? And why does none of the people who wrote this know how to add a paragraph break into their text?!”

Summarize and shorten.

“What in the world am I supposed to do with this information?! Never in my life outside of school will I encounter these formulas! I’m not gonna need this shit and even if I do, the internet exists! Why do I need to perfectly recite all of these in my sleep? And is there anything they’re useful for except for writing pointless numbers on a sheet of paper that no one will ever care about beyond the class test?”

Give him examples that he can actually relate to real life (By the way, fuck you and your journey time and speed, random train number 2067 in a math problem).

“Can we skip to the next question, please. Every additional second I spend looking at this, three of my braincells commit suicide. Oh FUCK NO. Why’s the other one even worse! Why’s there not a single easy one in here?!”

Focus on one part and make sure he doesn’t go try and do nine others at the same time.

“And what am I even getting out of this? A paper with some numbers that no one will care or ask about after I graduate? I’m not getting paid enough for this shit. In fact, we don’t get paid at all. Why do we have to spend ten hours a day in a place we don’t wanna be in, doing stuff we don’t wanna know or learn about without getting anything for it besides a numerical evaluation of how useful they think we are to society by their standards?!”

Give him rewards to work towards.

If there’s one thing Dazai learned about his boyfriend during his observation time, it was that he hated hated school and that he’d rather be anywhere but here. Which, yea, understandable. But unfortunately they still had almost three years left, which meant they somehow had to get through this.

Dazai looked down at the checklist on his phone and nodded to himself. 

Mission: Help boyfriend. Next objective: Get him to come over for studying and develop strategies together.

Dazai decidedly ignored the uncomfortable feeling rising in his stomach as he thought about how it would be to bring his boyfriend home.

…He’d probably have to get past the explanation of his family situation before they could start.

And he should probably pick a day where his father wasn’t home.

Yea, he’d do that. Maybe starting off with having Chuuya ‘meet’ his mother would be the best way to go. Though Dazai decided that actually, he should introduce Chuuya to another family member first. Someone who could talk to him. …Just so Chuuya didn’t immediately get slapped across the face with all of the scary stuff.

…Yup. His aunt would get to be the first to meet his boyfriend.

—

“Sorry sir, we don’t serve that here.” Dazai spoke, trying to not let his voice sound too shaky. If there was one thing he hated about his job more than interacting with the customers, then it was interacting with the customers who had special demands they weren’t even offering.

“What kind of shit restaurant doesn’t have a single type of alcoholic beverage on their menu?!” The guy asked. He was tall, with dark hair, wearing a suit that looked like it hadn’t been washed in a week, and he reminded Dazai of a certain someone in his life he’d preferably have out of his life. Dazai’s grip on the counter tightened until his knuckles turned white.

“It’s on the chalkboard menu outside, sir. We don’t serve alcohol. And this isn’t a restaurant, it’s a coffee shop. So if you are unhappy with what we have, please look somewhere else.” He said calmly. The man tsk-ed, clearly unhappy. “Well fuck you too, kid. I’m going somewhere else and I’m never coming back.” He said before stomping out.

Good. We don’t want people like you here anyway. This is supposed to be a safe space.

“Are you okay?” Kiye’s familiar voice asked quietly from the side. Dazai slowly loosened his grip onto the counter. “Bastard.” He mumbled under his breath. His aunt let out an amused chuckle. “You know, Osamu… Every time you curse someone out like this, I feel very proud of you. You’ve been getting a bit bolder lately. Something happening I should know about?”

Dazai shook his head. “You’ll find out soon enough.”

It was Friday afternoon, around 5 PM. Dazai, as he often did, was spending as much time as he could at Kiye’s coffee shop. Though today… Well, it was kind of a special day.

His father was off for a work-related trip until Sunday evening, and so Dazai had taken the opportunity to invite Chuuya over for studying. Though he didn’t give him the exact address (So he wouldn’t immediately scare him off with his family’s identity. There was a reason why he’d adapted the last name of his much lesser-known family branch when things got too difficult).

Rather, Dazai had given Chuuya the address of his aunt’s coffee shop and the two of them would walk to his place together after a basic explanation.

“Hey uhm, Kiye?” Dazai started. The woman hummed as she started filling up one of the empty slots in their display of baked goods. “Yes?” She asked. Dazai nervously tugged on his bandages. “I.. I told someone to come here and pick me up. And.. I’d like you to meet him. So.. If you could give us like five minutes once he gets here?”

Kiye tilted her head with a smile, handing Dazai a small part of a pastry that didn’t quite survive the transport to the display. “I’ll always have time for you, Osamu. Especially if there’s someone you deem important enough to introduce to me. I’m excited now!”

They shared the broken pastry and Dazai looked out of the storefront. Outside, the light was becoming more and more golden as it got closer to late afternoon. He wasn’t scared or worried, not at all. His aunt was the best.

After that, it didn’t take long until the small bell above the entrance rang and a familiar redhead walked into the store, bag lazily slung over his shoulder, wearing casual clothes that somehow made him look super good. He looked up from his phone and scanned the store with his eyes, and as Dazai waved from the counter, his expression immediately lit up and he walked over.

“Well hello there. Gotta say, thought you were fucking with me when you told me you actually had a part-time job at a coffee shop. Guess I was wrong. Always something new to discover with you, hm?”

Oh if only you knew what’s gonna happen later.

“I mostly do it to make some money and stay away from home as much as I can. This shop actually belongs to my aunt so… Even if it gets too much, I can just go take a break or just go in general and no one bats an eye.

Chuuya reached him and the two teens shared a short hug. Short enough to not count as PDA. The redhead pulled back and leaned on the counter. “So… Why’d you have me come here first and not directly to your place?” Dazai leaned against the counter as well and shrugged.

“Well: First of all, there’s a bit of explaining I gotta do before we go to my place. It’s a precaution so you won’t get a heart attack, trust me.” Chuuya raised an eyebrow, but didn’t prod further.

“Second of all: I thought we could grab some pastries to get us through the evening. And third… Well, I wanted you to meet her. My aunt, I mean.”

Right on cue, Kiye stepped out of the staff room and her eyes lit up as she saw Dazai and Chuuya stand so close together. Dazai smiled. “And that’d be her. Kiye Dazai. She’s my mother’s younger sister, my main caretaker and boss at the same time.”

Kiye shook her head. “Come on now Osamu. I told you a million times I’m not your boss. Just your aunt who’s giving you some allowance for helping out at the shop.” Dazai sent her a deadpan look, then leaned closer to Chuuya. “She’s paying me a full salary, despite me only working here part-time and not even that on bad days.” Chuuya chuckled, Kiye rolled her eyes and sighed. “Anyway, enough about me! Who are you, young man? I’m very curious about who exactly managed to get Osamu’s shell to crack. It’s pretty impressive, y’know?”

Chuuya exchanged a short, questioning look with Dazai who shrugged. “You can tell her. She’s trustworthy.” And so, the redhead held out his hand for a handshake Kiye eagerly reciprocated. “Name’s Chuuya Nakahara. Just Chuuya is fine. …And I’m Dazai’s boyfriend.”

Kiye’s eyes widened and her face was soon overtaken by a soft, teasing smile. “Aw… I knew it! The way Osamu talks about you, his ‘friend’, I had a feeling…”

Dazai felt some heat rise to his cheeks. “Aw come on! I wasn’t that bad!” Kiye ruffled his hair. “Oh yes you were.” And then she turned back to Chuuya. “Thanks for watching over my nephew. You probably know he doesn’t have it easy in life. So… I really appreciate you sticking with him anyway.”

Dazai felt Chuuya’s hand creep across the counter and touch his own. He let him. “Of course, Kiye-san. I’m ready to deal with whatever comes my way if it means I get to be with him.” 

Dazai tried and failed to contain his blush, making both of the others laugh. He looked away with a pout. “You can’t say stuff like that and expect me to be normal about it Chuuya! Stop laughing you two..!” …But of course they wouldn’t.

On the inside though, despite his words, Dazai felt fuzzy.

Looks like his aunt had easily accepted Chuuya in his life. And for now, that was the most important.

“...Anyway, can we take some pastries home, Kiye? Pretty pleaseeee? We’ve got some studying to do!” Dazai then asked. Kiye shook her head, amused, grabbing a paper bag. “‘Course you two. Just tell me whatever you wanna have.”

Chapter Text

“Your aunt’s pretty damn chill, actually.” Chuuya mentioned as they walked through the streets in the direction of Dazai’s home, hand in hand. Dazai nodded absent-mindedly. “You’ll soon notice that she’s kind of the only one. My mother and father… Well, they’re certainly.. Something. In their own ways.”

Chuuya looked at him. A little contemplative and worried. “...Am I gonna meet them, too?” He asked. Dazai tensed and his hold on Chuuya’s hand tightened. “My mother is at home. As for my father. …I specifically picked this weekend to bring you over because he’s not here. And trust me when I tell you that it’s better like this. ‘Ts already gonna be a lot just meeting one of them.”

I’m worried that, if you were to meet both of them at the same time, you’d back out of this situation immediately before even giving me the chance to trust you with this.

Chuuya’s hand gently tightened around Dazai’s, making him feel warm and safe. “Alright. One at a time then. Are you actually gonna tell them we’re dating or..-” He asked. Dazai quickly shook his head. “If I do then you’ll be in danger. We’ll have to keep us a secret for now. I promise it’s not ‘cause I don’t want to.” 

That was the last thing he wanted Chuuya to think, that he wanted to hide him because he was ashamed or anything.

Chuuya softly punched his shoulder with his free hand, making Dazai wince and send him a mild glare. Though it immediately dissipated as he took in Chuuya’s expression.

His boyfriend was smiling at him softly, his eyes filled with a mixture of amusement and affection. “Don’t overthink it, Dazai. I get that your home situation’s gotta be super fucked up and difficult. And I’m not pushing you into shit that you’re not ready for.”

…Of course he’d say that. Because Chuuya was so stupidly considerate… And Dazai didn’t think he deserved him. And yet somehow, he still got him anyway. Like the universe finally decided to give him something good.

“Alright then… There’s something I really gotta tell you about before we get to my place. Are you gonna listen and try to not freak out?” Chuuya nodded. “Sure, I’m listening.”

Dazai took a deep breath. This was fine, right..? 

…And yet, he was still scared.

Screw this. He didn’t have to be scared of Chuuya.

“Y’know, Osamu Dazai isn’t actually my birth name. But it’s my preferred name and the name I’m using on most legal papers. My birth name is something only very few people currently around me know. So… You, getting to hear it, it actually makes you even more of a special person to me.”

Chuuya looked at him, surprised. “You had your name changed? Any reason for that?” Dazai kept his eyes fixed to the ground. “One: I wanted to distance myself from my father, who gave me that name, as much as I could. And two: Hearing my name was enough for people to immediately have something to use against me. And so I took the first name my mother originally wanted to give me, along with her family name.”

Chuuya squeezed his hand. “Geez, what in the world did your family do for you to suffer under their mere name?” Dazai shrugged. “My father’s a rich businessman and a politician whose views on the world are centered all around money, rather than the actually important stuff. That’s enough.”

His boyfriend’s mouth formed an o-shape and he sighed, nodding. “...Alright alright, I think I get it. So… what’s the birth name you’re forced to live with? I’ll probably recognize it.” And it was now or never. And Dazai decided that Chuuya was trustworthy enough.

“You have to promise me not to tell anyone, alright? Not even your friends and family. Not yet, at least. ‘Cause I’ve got no idea how they’d take it and I don’t want anything bad to happen.” Chuuya nodded. “I promise. Your secret’s safe with me. You’re safe with me, Dazai.”

…And Dazai truly believed him.

“Shuuji Tsushima.” He then said, watching as Chuuya’s eyes widened in disbelief. “Hold up- Tsushima ?! Like- The Tsushima family?!” Ah, yes, the expected reaction. There it was. Dazai used his free hand to pull his hood over his head, looking away.

“...No wonder you don’t want that name. With that kind of person as a father I would absolutely refuse to be affiliated with that family name whatsoever. Good on you for taking measures to get out of that situation.”

Wait what?!

Dazai’s head snapped around to look at Chuuya. “You’re just gonna.. Accept that? Just like that?” Chuuya shrugged. “Well, you’re not your father, aren’t ya? Not your fault you were born to him of all people. What he says or does has nothing to say about what kind of person you turn out to be.

And Dazai laughed . Genuinely laughed . Surprising both Chuuya and even himself. It was just such a surreal  experience… Not being shoved into a box he didn’t wanna be in because of a stupid name and a blood relative he hated more than probably anyone else did. Dazai looked at Chuuya softly, watching as his boyfriend smiled right at him. “Sorry.. Just- I’m still so used to someone’s reactions to that name being ‘Insufferable rich kid’ that you caught me a little off-guard. In a good way.”

Chuuya scoffed and nudged his shoulder. “Well, I’m just special I guess. I do mean what I said tho. You’re not him. So don’t worry your pretty little head over it. I don’t give a damn about your relation to a shitty politician. You’re still you. This doesn’t change anything. …Other than me feeling bad for you for being stuck with someone like that in your life. If he’s anything like in public…” 

Dazai grimaced. “Trust me Chuuya, he’s so much worse…” Chuuya made a face. “Y’know what… I’m kind of glad you picked a day where he’s not home to take me to your place.” Then he relaxed and sighed. “Speaking of… Does that mean you live in that huge ass mansion?” Dazai nodded. “Yea I do. But don’t expect too much from it. As impressive as it might look from the outside, once you get in, you’re gonna feel like you wanna walk right back out. At least I do, all the time.”

Chuuya was silent for a while as they walked. Then, he looked over at Dazai and tugged him closer. “...And you’re still taking me there?” Dazai tried to give him a reassuring smile, though it probably didn’t look too good. “It’ll be easier if we study somewhere without distractions. Plus…” His thumb gently brushed the back of Chuuya’s hand. “...I wanna share that part of my life with you as well.”

He paused for a moment and looked up. Behind the houses in the neighborhood they were currently walking through, he already saw the large, haunting roof of the Tsushima manor.

“Y’know… My aunt always used to tell me that, if I wanna truly be with someone, I should be open with them. Even about the worst parts of my life, especially about those. So… That’s what I wanna do. Starting with this.”

Chuuya gave him a long look and then smiled. “Really glad you’re willing to trust me with this.”

—

The first thing Chuuya noticed was that the mansion looked even more impressive up close than it did on any of the hundreds of pictures out there in the internet. All that space for a family of three and a few staff members? Sure, Dazai told him that his aunt often stayed over as well, but that was still way too much space for way too few people

The second thing Chuuya noticed was that upon entering the gates on the path that led to the front door, Dazai both let go of his hand and schooled his expression and body language into something Chuuya could only describe as a dead, empty, puppet-like persona. …Like he often looked at school when he was around all those people who didn’t know or care about him. A carefully crafted shell to protect himself from the outside world. …A shell to hide the person he actually was, the person Chuuya had gradually started seeing more and more of.

There were a few different Dazais. Or rather, a few different parts of him that came out depending on the situation.

This Dazai looked like nothing and no one could hurt him. Alas, Chuuya knew that, on the inside, he was barely hanging on, holding onto each and every piece so, so tightly that it, while maintaining the facade, sucked every last bit of energy out of him.

Dazai opened the large front doors and stepped into the building, Chuuya following right after. He immediately felt as though the temperature had dropped below zero. He couldn’t hear any noise in the house. Like it was empty, abandoned, and no one who was in here truly lived .

At his own home, there was almost always something happening. His mother cooking, his brother hanging out despite having his own apartment. His father, walking around and doing stuff…

This place, however, felt like the people inside only stayed there to have a roof over their head.

How in the world was Dazai managing living here every day? …Chuuya most definitely understood why he didn’t like being at home.

“Young master Tsushima.” An older voice greeted them. Chuuya watched as Dazai slowly turned to look at the man who’d spoken his wrong name. A middle-aged dude, wearing a butler uniform, looking at him suspiciously. “And who might this young man with you be?”

Chuuya wanted to open his mouth to say something, though he quickly closed it again as Dazai subtly shook his head at him. And so he left the talking to his boyfriend. “He’s just a classmate from school. We will be studying in my room so please don’t disturb us.” The butler dude seemed to accept that and nodded. “Very well then. But please do keep in mind that Dr. Burner will be coming here today to check on your poor mother. He might want to exchange a few words with you.”

And if Chuuya’s eyes weren’t totally betraying him, Dazai flinched and froze in place, eyes glazed over with something Chuuya couldn’t quite name.

“. . . Understood. I will speak to him.” His voice sounded strained, like he was doing his very best so it wouldn’t waver one bit. And when Chuuya discreetly brushed past him after the man had gone on to do whatever his work was, he felt the other boy’s entire body being tense as a rock

“You good?” Chuuya asked quietly, but the only response he received from Dazai was a mumbled ‘It’s nothing’ before he shook his head as though he was ridding himself of a thought he didn’t want to have. Chuuya decided not to prod further for now. He had a feeling he’d find out soon enough. And so he just followed as the other led him up the stairs and past a few doors, until reaching what Chuuya assumed was his room.

…Chuuya had never seen a sadder looking bedroom in his life. Not even the worst of the worst hotels he’d been in on vacation with his family had been this bad.

The entire room could be described with the color scheme gray and blue, but in the most monotone way possible. The most (and only) colorful thing were the books on the shelf. As for the other furniture…

A bed with a single pillow and a thin blanket. A desk with a few pens neatly placed in a plastic holder. A closet. A few shelves (holding mostly books). A shattered mirror with only some glass shards left in frame.

Wait-

Before he could even take a closer look, Dazai had grabbed a cloth and threw it over said shattered mirror with an apologetic look. “They haven’t replaced that yet. Just.. Ignore it.” And from his voice alone, Chuuya knew that there was more to it. Though if Dazai didn’t wanna tell him yet, that was fine.

The room even had what looked to be a door to a balcony. But it seemed like it hadn’t been opened in years. Not that opening it would really do anything.

…Because there were literal iron bars blocking the door from the outside. Like a fucking prison or some shit.

“No offense Zai, but your room could use some improvements.” Chuuya eventually said. His boyfriend grimaced. “I know… But I wouldn’t even know what to put in here if I wanted to.” …Which was actually pretty damn sad. And Chuuya promised himself right then and there that he’d try to make Dazai’s room look like an actual person was living there. Because this really was criminal.

—

“I can’t fucking believe you managed to make this shit understandable.” Chuuya stared at his solved math equations in disbelief. “How’d you manage something that school failed to do for 10 fucking years?!” Dazai had a proud grin on his face and stretched, throwing himself back onto his bed. Chuuya couldn’t help but admire him. Happy looked good on his boyfriend.

“You just gotta understand how to make stuff interesting! Just ‘cause your brain works differently from others doesn’t make you stupid. It just means that you need a different approach than what’s normalized by school.” Dazai explained. Chuuya felt like he wanted to cry. There was an actual, genuine lump in his throat. Dazai just… Stated that so casually. Like it was normal. Like Chuuya was normal. Like he wasn’t the incompetent, lazy person his teachers often described him to be.

And all it took for Dazai to understand was a week.

A week.

Chuuya couldn’t even remember the last time he’d done his math homework. And now he just somehow did it? Just because someone bothered to think of a way to actually help him?

“. . . Where were you my entire fucking life?” Chuuya asked quietly. Dazai looked at him, surprised. “You good there Chuu?”

Chuuya wanted to jump onto the bed and squish his boyfriend in his arms. And maybe give him a kiss for good measure. But he refrained. Because making Dazai uncomfortable in any way was the last thing he wanted. Even if the way that stupidly sweet nickname came out of Dazai’s mouth made him die a little on the inside.

Dazai seemed to understand him with no words being spoken and his expression softened. “Help feels good, doesn’t it?” It does. It really, really does.

“Can I hug you?” Chuuya decided to ask. The small pink blush appearing on Dazai’s cheeks was everything. Then the other teen nodded. “Yea, just come up here.” And so Chuuya did just that, climbing onto the bed and pulling Dazai into his arms.

Back on his birthday, when Dazai hugged him for the first time, Chuuya felt like he was dreaming. And since then, these hugs have been getting more and more frequent. And every time Chuuya got to hold his boyfriend in his arms, got to be held by him, made him feel incredibly grateful for the amount of trust Dazai was putting onto him after such a short time.

It had been close to two months by now. And while that was probably already long for the average high school relationships teens were usually known for, with them, it was different. As both him and Dazai, as opposed to a bunch of the others, had no interest in dating around, or having as many experiences as possible. Chuuya was quite happy devoting his time to one person, rather than a new one every two weeks or so (Which for some reason seemed to be a standard people expected, weirdos).

And considering Dazai had even warned him at the beginning, he was actually pretty proud of both of them for getting this far already in the amount of time they’ve had.

Unfortunately, their cuddle session was interrupted by a knock on the door. Dazai immediately tensed up and gently pushed him off, making Chuuya internally curse whoever was outside of that door. He was just getting comfortable goddamnit! There goes his uninterrupted boyfriend time.

“Who’s there?” Dazai asked through the door. “Dazai-kun? It’s Dr. Burner.” And the way Dazai flinched the instant he heard the voice and name, Chuuya had a feeling that this wasn’t anything good. And yet, Dazai still opened the door. Despite seeming actually, genuinely afraid.

Outside of the door stood an older-looking man with glasses, hair growing gray bit by bit. He was holding a bag with the ominous logo of some hospital on it. Dazai took a step back and looked up at him. “You’re here to check on my mother, then?” His voice didn’t shake one bit, but his expression told a different story. What in the world had this man done to him?

“That is correct, Dazai-kun. Bring me to her?” Chuuya had no idea where his place in this situation was. But then Dazai gave him a sign to follow him. And so he did.

No conversation happened as they walked down the creaking hallway, Dazai leading them along like a quiet shadow. Their destination, wherever it may be, seemed to be on the complete opposite side of the house. And all they passed along the way were closed door after closed door, with half of them being locked off, looking like no one had stepped into the rooms in years. Why even build a mansion with so many rooms if none of them were actually in use?

Then again, the house was pretty old. Maybe, some day, in the past, more people lived here.

Eventually, they reached a door that stood partially open. And as Chuuya peeked inside, he nearly lost his ability to breathe.

…No wonder Dazai had told him that his mother wasn’t really aware and probably wouldn’t properly react to being spoken to. Because the woman looked like the only thing that qualified her as a living person was the fact that she was breathing.

Dazai and Dr. Burner walked into the room, but Chuuya stayed right there, frozen in the doorframe, staring at the shell of a person sitting on the bed with dead, glassy eyes.

…She looked like she was barely in her mid-thirties, yet had seen more cruelty than a person could endure in a lifetime. Long, brown hair, color closer to Kiye’s than Dazai’s, but messy and like it hadn’t seen a brush or a shower in a long time. She wore a long, white, sleeping gown, crumpled and torn around the sleeves and the legs, like someone had actively ripped on it repeatedly. Her skin was even paler than Dazai’s and covered in red and purple bruises Chuuya didn’t even want to know the origin of.

She looked like a corpse, if it weren’t for the slight movement of her breathing. And even that was so weak, she may as well be dead. Though what ended up making things even worse was the way Dazai spoke to her and the way she (didn’t) reacted.

“Mother? The doctor is here to check up on you.” Dazai said. The woman didn’t move, didn’t answer, wasn’t even looking at her son. All while Dazai’s expression held such a numb, suppressed sadness that Chuuya really had to hold himself back from launching himself across the room and taking him somewhere far, far away.

Dr. Burner stepped closer and waved his hand in front of her eyes. The woman didn’t even blink. He looked up and sighed. “Unresponsive as ever, isn’t she? Has she spoken at all in the past two weeks?” Dazai climbed off the bed. “Just the usual. Asking me if I need something and then forgetting about what I tell her just a second later. Like a broken record. Not a moment of clarity.”

The doctor nodded along, writing something down. “Any changes in her behavior?” Dazai shook his head again. She still can’t eat or drink on her own. Repetitive movements have the same pattern. Folding grandmother’s clothes, walking through the house, standing in front of the fountain outside. All while not looking like she’s present whatsoever.”

The way Dazai was explaining these things to the man, like this was just another day for him, talking about something that Chuuya couldn’t even imagine in his nightmares.

“Two more weeks until we’ll have a free room. You can bring her to the clinic on the 17th of June. And we will do what we can to help her. Is that okay?” And Dazai just kind of stood there, stuck in place, and gave the doctor a small nod. “I will let my aunt know. She’ll be the one taking care of all the legal stuff. Can we leave you alone for the checkup then?” He asked, voice gradually growing more quiet, like he wanted to escape. Chuuya was impressed that Dazai was even mentally capable to stay in this room. …Then again, from the way he talked, he was probably used to it.

“One more thing, Dazai-kun.” Dr Burner said, fixing him in place with his eyes. Dazai shifted uncomfortably from one leg to the other. “And that would be?”

“You know, we could still take you back in to continue treatment. Clearly, half a year wasn’t enough.”

Dazai froze. And then his eyes widened and he looked so panicked, that Chuuya had to step in and attach himself to Dazai’s side, not wanting to leave his boyfriend alone in that situation. …Whatever that situation even was in the first place.

Dazai’s eyes hardened and he sent a glare right at the doctor. “No.” The doctor opened his mouth to continue. “But-”, “I said no. Dr. Burner. You are not taking me back to that place. You are never, ever taking me back to it, you hear me? If I have to spend one more day in that hell ever again I will do something you’ll regret. Just because I’m sending my mother there for emergency reasons doesn’t mean I want to step a foot into that clinic again. I refuse .”

Chuuya had never seen Dazai look this angry before. And so he almost missed what the boy was even saying. …Alas, he didn’t. A few words remained stuck in his mind.

Clinic. Again. 

And as he processed the words, a feeling of dread settled into his bones at the implications.

“Dazai-kun. We’re trying to do what’s best for you. You’re too unstable. We just–”

“He said no.” Chuuya suddenly found himself saying, surprising not only Dazai and Dr. Burner, but also himself. Though he knew why he did it. Because Dazai was clearly struggling with the situation. And Chuuya wanted to help him.

Dr. Burner just sighed and shook his head. “Well then. We can’t force you to. I suppose that sometimes, people are too far gone already. I’ll finish this checkup and then I’ll be leaving.”

Dazai had gone silent. But the way his eyes darted around, trying to look anywhere but in front of him, let Chuuya know that he was still present in the moment. And so he just threw an arm around Dazai’s shoulders and led him out of the room and back towards his own. As they walked down the hall, Dazai slowly relaxed against his side.

“...Did I do that right?” Was the only thing Chuuya decided to ask. Dazai responded with a small, weak, nod. “Yea, you did..” The redhead quietly nodded. “Good.” 

Dazai sent him a long, calculating look. “...You’re not gonna ask what that was about?” And while yea, he would like to know what exactly happened there, he could wait.

“I trust that you’ll tell me on your own terms one day.”

The small smile he received in return was worth everything.

—

The two teens only realized how late it had gotten when Chuuya’s phone rang with a message from Verlaine, asking if he should come pick him up and take him home. They’d completely forgotten about time. In their defence: Chuuya had brought his Switch for study breaks! And they’d just sort of gotten lost playing Stardew Valley (Well, Chuuya played, Dazai watched and slowly learned more and more about the game as he did). But now, as they looked outside, it was already dark.

“9 PM?! When did that happen?” Chuuya asked, surprised. Dazai shrugged. He was still not used to time passing so quickly. Usually he’d lie in bed at this time and hopelessly stare at the ceiling, internally begging for sleep to take him already (Which it rarely actually did). But with Chuuya… Time was just something that sometimes felt like it didn’t exist. Like they were just sitting in their own little bubble where nothing could disturb them.

And honestly, as they were sitting on Dazai’s bed and leaning against the wall, Dazai’s thin blanket wrapped around both of them while Dazai hugged his pillow and watched Chuuya play, who in turn had his head resting on Dazai’s shoulder, …he felt.. Good..

He felt good .

Dazai felt good .

And it seemed like Chuuya didn’t really feel like leaving anyway.

“You said your father only comes back Sunday?” Chuuya asked. Dazai felt his heartbeat speed up as he processed the potential implications. “Yea, that’s true.” Chuuya closed his eyes and nuzzled further into his shoulder, making him all warm and fuzzy. “...And do you think anyone’s gonna disturb us or complain if I..-” The sentence remained open-ended, but Dazai understood without another word.

His mother was here, sure, but… she wasn’t really here at the same time. And their staff wouldn’t care. They had to listen to his commands after all. Plus… They usually didn’t come up here unless explicitly asked to.

“Do you wanna.. Stay the night, maybe?” Dazai asked, surprising himself with the fact that he was the one to speak up first. …And then immediately realizing how that may sound, a small blush taking over his face. “I mean- not in a weird way- just-” Chuuya started laughing gently. “I know, I know. Just a sleepover, don’t worry.” Dazai looked down at him and relaxed. “Yea, like a sleepover..” He then mumbled.

And when Chuuya pulled up his family WhatsApp group, Dazai knew he’d stay.

You:

Gonna stay the night at Zai’s if that’s good?

The bestest older brother in the world:

Oh???

Mom:

Of course sweetie :) Make sure to brush your teeth and tell Dazai I said hi!

Dad:

Text us if you need anything.

The bestest older brother in the world:

Good, if you stay over you won’t make Paul get up and that means I can keep cuddling him -Arthur

The bestest older brother in the world:

Use protection ;)

You:

Fuck you. We’re just cuddling.

The bestest older brother in the world:

So are we! Doesn’t mean nothing else’s gonna happen!

*Attachment of a selfie of Paul and his boyfriend, Arthur, cuddling on their couch under a comfy-looking blanket*

Chuuya exchanged a quick, questioning look with Dazai, pointing at the phone’s camera.

Dazai never liked having pictures of himself taken. …But as with many things, with Chuuya, everything was a little different. And so, with barely any hesitation, he opened the camera and turned it to selfie mode. Chuuya smiled. “I’ll never get over how much trust you’re putting in me.”

You:

Literally just cuddling and playing Stardew. We’re better than you.

*Attachment of a selfie of Chuuya pressing his cheek into Dazai’s shoulder, Dazai’s arm wrapped around his torso, Dazai’s head leaned on top of his own and hiding half his face in his hair, Chuuya holding the switch in his free hand, both of them wrapped in a blanket*

The bestest older brother in the world:

They’re growing up so fast… *wipes tear*

Mom:

Boys… This is the family group chat! Behave yourselves!

Mom:

…Both of these pictures are actually really cute.

Mom:

Anyway! Behave yourselves!

Dad: 

She just saved them in her gallery in that one folder with all the pictures she likes to print out and put into frames.

Mom:

Well they do look very cute! Anyway, have fun Chuuya and Dazai! Don’t stay up too late!

You:

Thanks! (No promises)

Chuuya put down his phone and shook his head in exasperated fondness. “Don’t mind them. They’re idiots. All of them.” Dazai huffed and hugged him closer. “Don’t apologize. It’s pretty sweet how close you guys are”

It was quiet for a moment, before Chuuya looked up from his shoulder. “Doesn’t it make you sad?” He asked carefully. Dazai sighed. Of course that question would come up. He tucked Chuuya under his chin and looked up at the wall. 

“I’m not gonna lie and say it doesn’t. And I will tell you that on that first evening when you sent me a picture of you and your brother cooking, it made me feel like- really depressed and lonely.” Chuuya winced. “Sorry ‘bout that- just- wanted to start a conversation with my newly acquired boyfriend and didn’t really know how to. Should’ve been a little more thoughtful.”

Dazai shook his head. “Don’t feel bad. ‘Ts not your fault that I’m in this situation. And I’m actually genuinely happy for you to have your friends, your family, all of them. Plus…” He pulled back a little and looked down into Chuuya’s pretty blue eyes. “From the times I’ve been around them so far, it’s like they’re already willing to accept me as one of them… Which is already so much more than I’d ever expected to have. So… While I do wish I had something like that, this is more than enough for now.”

Chuuya’s expression softened. “Well, they do love you already. Mom, Dad, Paul… Shirase, Yuan and the others. And I hope that the more time you spend with them, the more you’ll be integrated. Small steps. I… think we’re already on the right path. Now we just gotta walk it.”

Dazai looked down at him for a while, contemplative.

“...And what if I stumble and fall and stuff gets worse..?” Chuuya tilted his head and brushed a thumb along Dazai’s cheek. “Then I’ll grab you and hold onto you until you’ve gotten back your foothold. Promise.”

And just like that, Dazai felt himself falling deeper and deeper.

Love , hm?

He wasn’t quite sure what that label meant to him at the moment.

…But he had a feeling that it might feel something like this.

“Anyway, if I’m gonna stay the night, then we gotta find more pillows and blankets! Wanna give me a house tour and check what we can find?”

—

During their house tour, they ended up raiding some stuff Dazai knew no one would miss. And while he hated his home, being from a rich family came with the perk that they had a lot of perfectly good washed but unused sleeping equipment no one needed. And so they soon had more than enough. Dazai realized once again that Chuuya loved having an inexplicably large amount of pillows anywhere to be comfy. (“How many pillows do you have in your bed at home again?”, “12. Plus three giant plushies.”, “You’re a maniac. How do you even have enough space for that?!”)

In addition to the pillows and blankets, the two of them had found something else that Chuuya eagerly took up to Dazai’s room the moment he told him that no one would be looking for it.

…It was an old guitar. Probably horribly out of tune. But Dazai faintly, very faintly, remembered that it belonged to his mother once. Though that was a long time ago. Before her mental state had deteriorated this much. Now it was just a dusty decoration in a room no one had been in in years. So Dazai saw no issue taking it to his room. Chuuya seemed to be delighted, to say the least. Which made a lot of sense, considering he literally played guitar in his band. And the moment they had everything ready and comfy for the sleepover, Chuuya started adjusting the guitar and returning its sounds to normal.

They opted not to bother with ordering or making food. Instead their dinner consisted of the remaining pastries they brought along from Kiye’s coffee shop, as well as some snacks Chuuya took with him from home. Dazai organized them some plates and stuff, and when he returned, the two of them sat down against the wall (trying not to get any crumbs on their sleeping area) with their shoulders pressed together.

“You’re actually eating.” Chuuya said with a hum, watching him. Dazai shrugged. “Kiye’s pastries make it easier. And the fact that it’s just us two does, too.” Chuuya tilted his head. “What about her recipes is so different from other stuff?” He asked. 

Dazai turned the pastry he was holding in his hands. “She’s working with special recipes that make eating them easier. I.. I don’t really know how to explain it, but it’s a bit like that cake back at your birthday. That one was also made with the intention to make eating it easier. I felt it.”

Chuuya seemed fascinated. “...The cake? My brother made that, his own version of the recipe. Come to think of it… Most of his recipes are modified in one way or the other. And his reasoning’s also that it makes them easier to eat. I never put too much thought into it but…”

And then there was a sudden determination in Chuuya’s eyes. Dazai tilted his head. “What’re you thinking?” He asked. The redhead looked at him and smiled. “Imma learn that specific method of cooking! And then I can hopefully make food for my boyfriend whenever!” And he sounded so certain of his actions that Dazai couldn’t help the small laugh escaping him. “Alright… In that case, let’s see how that goes! Don’t be too disappointed if I still have some problems tho, alright?” Chuuya nodded along. “Got it. Don’t worry. I’ll hone my skills until I’m a professional at Dazai-safe cooking.”

He really hit the jackpot, hm?

Chuuya was gonna be the death of him.

—

“Bathroom’s free.” Chuuya’s voice called as he stepped back into the room. Dazai opened his mouth to say something but… The moment he spotted Chuuya, every single word seemingly jumped out of his vocabulary and into the void.

Considering that this sleepover had been such a spontaneous decision, Chuuya hadn’t brought his pajamas. …Which meant that he ended up wearing one of Dazai’s hoodies and sweatpants.

And Chuuya’s small size as well as Dazai’s general preference for large, baggy clothing that was already oversized on him made for the cutest goddamn thing Dazai had ever seen.

His brain promptly short-circuited and his face suddenly felt 100 degrees warmer.

Chuuya nervously looked off to the side, scratching his head. “...I look fucking ridiculous don’t I..? Stupid beanpole..” Dazai got up from where he was sitting and walked closer to his boyfriend, step by step. Chuuya titled his head. “Dazai? You good there?”

Dazai reached out and his hands came to rest on Chuuya’s cheeks that immediately heated up under his touch. “What’re you–”

And then, not knowing what possessed him, Dazai placed a small, innocent kiss on Chuuya’s forehead. …And then panicked. Immediately. Eyes widening in realization of what he’d just done. And without even waiting for any answer, he rushed into the bathroom and locked himself in, shakily leaning onto the sink and staring at his hands.

What the fuck ?!

Where did all his reservations disappear to?! Was seeing Chuuya in his oversized hoodie really all it took?!

Dazai’s face was completely red and he rubbed at his cheeks in a desperate attempt to stop his blush. …With minimal success as he didn’t cool down whatsoever.

He needed a shower or he felt like he might scream.

—

Once he deemed himself sufficiently calm (And once he’d showered, brushed his teeth, changed his bandages and put on his pajamas), he carefully stepped back into his bedroom where Chuuya was sitting on the bed, eyes closed, as he played some quiet song on the guitar. And when Dazai walked in, his eyes opened, a small, shy smile appearing on his face, his cheeks reddening again.

…They were okay. Dazai had no reason to freak out. Instead, he just closed the door and then walked through the room, sitting at Chuuya’s side. 

“What’re you playing?” Dazai asked. His boyfriend shrugged. “This Is What It Takes. Shawn Mendes. Heard it before?” Dazai shook his head. “Not that I know of, no.” Inexplicably, Chuuya’s expression softened. “Well then… About time.” Dazai tilted his head. “What’s it about?” Chuuya just shook his head. “You don’t gotta worry about that. Just listen. Maybe you can look at the lyrics whenever you feel like it.

And so Dazai just got comfortable and listened. And somehow, the way Chuuya played the music for him made him feel like he held the song close to his heart.

“...It’s beautiful.” Dazai said afterwards, as he was resting his head on his boyfriend’s lap. “Shame that you didn’t sing along. The music alone sounds pretty sweet tho.” Chuuya chuckled softly. “Maybe one day I’ll sing the lyrics as well. It’s only recently that I started learning this song, so… I’d like to get some more practice before I combine it with the text.”

Dazai hummed. That made sense. “Any reason why you decided to learn this one in particular?” He asked. Chuuya set his guitar aside and his hand started gently playing with Dazai’s hair.

“It reminded me of someone. That’s all.”

And then, Chuuya leaned down and pressed a kiss to Dazai’s forehead to which Dazai, completely overtaken by fuzzy warmth, just buried his face against Chuuya’s shirt.

…And if he somehow managed to fall asleep in that exact position, whether it be exhaustion, or the presence of the other teen, or something else, then that was no one’s business but their own.

Chapter Text

“Shuuji. Where is your mother?”

The voice was cold. Not slurred for once, just cold. And Dazai felt like this was even worse than the alcohol. He wished he could disappear on the spot. 

Sure, he’d expected this but… Faced with reality was a whole different thing.

And while he had hoped he’d have at least a little more time, life just wasn’t gonna do him any favors.

“We sent her away to a place where she’s safe and taken care of. It was necessary.” He said quietly, looking at the ground and digging his fingers into his arms. The bandages numbed the stinging pain, but it was still there. It was always there.

“I don’t recall having given you or that meddling aunt of yours permission to send my wife away.” The man spoke. Dazai didn’t want to look up, didn’t want to see his face, he feared he might throw up. And so he remained silent.

“ANSWER ME BOY.” The man yelled, grabbing Dazai by the throat and forcefully making him look up. Dazai choked on his breath as the painfully familiar grip nearly cut off his oxygen supply and made his eyes teary.

He couldn’t even recognize the picture in front of him as a face. It was a face, he knew that much, and it was right there. But the only picture his brain would process was a swirl of shadows and his own reflection in dark, angry eyes.

Fear. Dazai saw an expression of fear on the reflection of his own self.

Why are you still so scared, Osamu?

Has that fear ever done you any good?

You’re used to this.

Don’t be scared.

But his expression didn’t change. And when Dazai tried to put his face muscles to work to make it disappear himself, they weren’t reacting properly.

A harsh pain suddenly shot from his back through his entire body, and he realized that he was suddenly thrown against a wall.

Not another broken rib please. The last time still hurts sometimes.

“Not talking are we? Insolent child. You are aware of what this means for you, right?”

Right.

“I am, father.”

“Good. Now go to your room and stay there, I’ll be busy. With you taking her away from this place, I’ll have to figure out another way to entertain myself.”

“Yes, father.”

As Dazai left the office, he passed by a woman he recognized as a member of the mansion’s cleaning staff, wearing an outfit (If it could even be called that, considering it didn’t exactly cover too much) that definitely had nothing whatsoever to do with the service she was officially hired to provide.

…Before Dazai went into his room, he made a detour to the bathroom. And here, he did throw up.

—

Chuuya was worried sick. 

It was in the middle of class and yet he couldn’t stop checking his phone for a message, any message, indicating where his boyfriend was. And the fact that the last message Dazai had sent him was from the afternoon of the day before, telling him that his father had just gotten home and he was really scared of telling him they brought his mother into the clinic, didn’t help calm his fears whatsoever.

“Reply reply reply reply reply…” Chuuya muttered repeatedly. Next to him, Shirase sent him a concerned glance. “You okay there buddy?”

NO! Chuuya wanted to yell. 

Dazai might be in danger and I have no fucking idea where he is!

Though of course he kept quiet about his real worries, considering his friends didn’t exactly know about Dazai’s fucked up home situation. He wasn’t gonna tell them anything Dazai didn’t want them to know.

“Zai might be sick.” Chuuya instead responded. Shirase nodded. “Got it. You’re in worried boyfriend mode. I’m sure it’s gonna turn out just fine.” Chuuya really hoped it would. Otherwise he couldn’t guarantee Dazai’s father would survive another day.

It was the start of lunch break when he finally, finally , heard the specific ringtone he had set for his boyfriend. And so, he rushed off to a more secluded space, leaving his friends in a very confused state behind.

“Dazai?!” He almost yelled into his phone as he picked up the call. The other end of the line was silent and for a moment, Chuuya even thought the other had hung up, but then he heard Dazai’s voice anyway.

“...Chuuya?”

He didn’t sound good, not at all. He sounded exhausted, sad, and like he was in pain.

“Dazai? Are you okay?” Chuuya asked softly, holding the phone so gently, as though it was actually the person on the other end of the line

“Can you come to the school infirmary?”

Chuuya sucked in a sharp breath. So he was hurt.

“I’m on my way.”

—

When he arrived at the infirmary and knocked, Dr. Mori, their school’s health professional, opened the door for him, giving him a curious glance. “Chuuya-kun? Do you need something?” He asked. Chuuya tried to look past the man, but he was expertly blocking the door and so he just sighed. “I came here for Dazai. Is he here?”

An unreadable expression appeared on Mori’s face and he looked at him, contemplative. “Is that so? Give me just a moment then..” And then, much to Chuuya’s confusion, he just sort of disappeared back into the infirmary. Well, wasn’t that something.

Thankfully, the confusion soon cleared up when Mori returned just a second later. “My apologies, Chuuya-kun. I wanted to ask Dazai-kun first. I didn’t just want to let anyone walk in while he’s like this. Follow me, will you?” His words weren’t exactly too reassuring.

Chuuya had been in the infirmary a few times already. Mostly because of injuries he’d gotten from soccer practice. But while he was familiar with the place, he wasn’t familiar with Mori’s actual personal office in the adjacent room.

…Alas, that’s where Mori took him. And that’s also where Dazai was. And when Chuuya spotted him, he felt like ripping someone’s head off.

“Dazai-kun? Chuuya-kun’s here.” Mori’s voice sounded gentle and concerned. It was nothing like the doctor’s usual personality. …Which worried him even more. Worry that, looking at Dazai, was actually quite justified.

Dazai was sitting on a chair at a desk, staring into thin air like he was completely zoned out. His clothes were in disarray. His hair looked unbrushed, and even his bandages seemed like they hadn’t been changed in a bit.

…Chuuya was especially concerned about the red spots all over the white material, leaking through from whatever might be underneath (Chuuya had his suspicions. And he hated them. Hated how possible it might be that he was correct). His boyfriend looked hurt and empty, not looking up at Mori’s words. Like he was stuck in whatever he was thinking about.

The doctor watched them with interest, but Chuuya didn’t pay him any mind. Right now it was more important to at least try and help the other teen.

“Dazai? Hey, ‘Ts me. Are you in there?” Chuuya asked carefully, stepping closer to the chair. No reaction. And so he just tried again. This time, with a slightly different approach.

“Osamu?”

And that was seemingly what did it. Because Dazai seemed to snap back to reality and finally looked up. Chuuya internally winced at the sheer amount of bruises on the teen’s pretty face. He even had a few bandaids in place on what Chuuya could only recognize as a cut on his cheek.

“You called?” Chuuya asked quietly. Dazai’s eyes first went wide. Then glassy. And then he threw himself at Chuuya with an amount of energy he sure hadn’t expected. And then, a moment later, Chuuya had his trembling boyfriend in his arms, hugging him tightly.

Dazai didn’t cry, or scream, or even sniffle. Literally all he did was quietly clinging onto Chuuya like his life depended on it. And that might just be worse.

Chuuya gently ran his fingers through Dazai’s hair, tucking him under his chin. “It’s okay. I’m here. No one can hurt you.” And when his boyfriend finally, finally , let out a strangled sob, Chuuya just held him closer, trying his best not to let the emotions overwhelm him and make him cry along.

—

“I made you tea.” Chuuya spoke quietly, walking into the room and closing the door behind him. Dazai felt the mattress dip at his side, though he still didn’t have the strength to look up. He just gave the other teen a small nod and accepted the mug he was given.

Dazai was miserable . There was really no other way to put it. And it was pretty clear that Chuuya had no real idea what to do with him in this state. Honestly, not even Dazai had any idea what to do with himself in this state.

All he had known was that he needed to be with Chuuya.

Anywhere where he could feel at least a little more safe. From both his father, and himself. One more stupid minute spent in front of that broken mirror of his, with all the shards and stuff, and he might’ve ended up in the hospital which would’ve been bad. 

He didn’t need his father yelling at him or punishing him for something like that again. Stuff was bad enough already.

After Chuuya managed to calm him down in the infirmary, Dazai had asked him if he could take him home to his place and the redhead had agreed without further questions whatsoever, dropping everything, including his school work, to come be with him.

Under normal circumstances, Dazai would’ve told him to focus some energy on school but… Right now, he really couldn’t be bothered. 

I’m sorry, Chuuya. But I need you here.

“Do you want to talk yet or..-” Chuuya started. Dazai just shook his head. Not right now. He didn’t want to think about the previous 15 hours right now. Though attempting that was probably futile, as it was all his head allowed him to think about.

His father was mad at him specifically. 

His aunt was still with his mother, helping her settle into the clinic.

And Dazai was all alone in a house with an angry monster that wanted nothing but causing him harm.

“Chuu?”

“Yea?” Chuuya asked eagerly, like he was just waiting for Dazai to tell him what to do.

“Can I stay the night, please? ..I don’t want to go home. I can’t go home. Not right now.”

Chuuya’s expression softened and he nodded. “‘Course you can. Want the guest room?” Dazai tightened his grip on the tea mug. “I’d.. Actually.. Rather stay with you..”

He didn’t know what might happen if he were alone right now.

“Alright. My bed’s big enough for both of us.”

—

It took a few hours, but eventually, Dazai felt at least a little more stabilized than he’d been all day. So much so that he even managed to get up from the bed and send Kiye a message about his current situation. He did his very best to ignore the many messages and calls from his father’s contact.

His chat with his mother was, of course, empty as ever.

Last message sent, 5 years ago. No reply.

Dazai put down his phone and leaned on the windowsill, digging his fingers into the wood. The pain helped him to subdue the shakiness of his entire body.

The sun outside was bright, and warm, and it was beautiful weather, but Dazai felt as though 90% of his insides consisted of fog right now. The warmth from the sun shining into the room didn’t even reach him properly.

The door creaked and Dazai turned around to come face to face with his surprised boyfriend. “...You actually got up from bed?” Dazai tried, he really did, but he was pretty sure his smile looked as pitiful as it could be.

Chuuya walked through the room and wrapped his arms around Dazai’s waist from behind, getting on his tiptoes to press a kiss to the back of his neck while swaying them from side to side. Like this, he even managed to relax a little into the small human hugging him.

Dazai brought one hand to rest on top of Chuuya’s own and squeezed.

…Just to then realize that his bandages were covered in red spots that nearly sent him into cardiac arrest. Had they been there this entire time?!

…Well, obviously they had. Dazai hadn’t changed his bandages since last night when–

Chuuya didn’t even ask him a single question about those?

…Which meant that he was either way too considerate, or just blind. Still, he should probably change those. Granted he..–

Oh fuck no.

He hadn’t taken spares with him. Too eager to leave his house once he’d finally mustered up the strength to do so. …Which meant that he was now either gonna be stuck with bloodied bandages or..

“Hey, Chuu?” He asked in a small voice. Chuuya pulled back a little and turned him over, taking him by the hands. “Yea?” Dazai started nervously playing with the other boy’s fingers. “...Do you happen to have bandages anywhere?” 

Chuuya’s eyes widened and he nodded. “Be back in a bit, alright? Are you gonna be okay?” Dazai gave the question some thought and looked around the room. He was in a safe setting right now. He.. Probably wasn’t gonna have a spontaneous crisis here.

“Yea, I’ll be fine.” Chuuya squeezed his hands. “You sure?” Dazai squeezed right back and nodded. “I’m sure.” And once Chuuya was certain, he pulled back and waved before leaving the room, leaving Dazai in there on his own. And Dazai decided that the safest option right now was probably to keep staring out of the window and watching the surroundings of the house.

Chuuya was gone for a while, and Dazai almost got worried something went wrong. Because who’d take almost ten minutes to find the next best first aid kit? …Alas, he got his explanation soon. Very soon. When Chuuya returned to the room…

…carrying a whole plastic bag completely filled with different bandages. Dazai’s eyes widened and Chuuya blushed a little.

“...We didn’t have many in our first aid kit so… I- might’ve.. Gonetoapharmacytogetsomemore.” The last part of the sentence was spoken so quickly that Dazai almost didn’t catch it. And when he did…”

“Isn’t the next pharmacy in itself like- a 15 minute walk away?” Chuuya blushed more and Dazai slowly realized the situation.

“You went to the next best pharmacy to buy bandages.”

“I did.”

“The one that’s 15 minutes away.”

“...Mhm.”

“In ten minutes.”

“Yea.”

“To the pharmacy and back.”

“Yea.”

“...You sprinted to the pharmacy, grabbed bandages, and sprinted right back?”

“...I might’ve done that, yea.”

Both of them were quiet for a moment, and then Chuuya spoke up again, flustered, a pouty expression on his face. “Look- I just wanted to do whatever I can to help my idiot boyfriend out! Shut uppppp!”

Chuuya was truly unbelievable.

…And Dazai caught himself falling. Bit by bit.

“Actually.. That kind of makes me feel.. Happy.”

Chuuya’s eyes widened and Dazai looked off to the side, gently taking the bag from Chuuya’s hands.

“Thanks for your care, Chuu.”

Chuuya seemed to have something else to say. And so, Dazai waited patiently. It really did look like his boyfriend was fighting an internal battle against himself. Eventually, he seemed to have come to a conclusion for whatever it was he was thinking so hard about. Though when he did decide to come out and say it, Dazai found himself caught completely off-guard: “Y’know… If you happen to want some help or just- someone to sit with you while you change them… I- I’d gladly do it. I mean- I don’t know what’s under them and you’re in no way obligated to let me close. But the offer’s there. And no matter what it is, I won’t judge.”

Dazai’s heart seemed to be actively climbing up his throat, heart-rate increasing as Chuuya fixed him in place with that honest, gradually growing a little more confident, expression on his face.

There were only a select few people who’d seen Dazai without the bandages. And half of them without his permission (Clinic staff, his father…). And he intended on keeping it that way. But then again, Chuuya was his boyfriend. He trusted him. Would that be enough though?

“Is it okay if you just.. Come to the bathroom with me and we’ll see how I feel about this then?” Chuuya nodded. “Got it. Your pace, Daz.”

The two of them locked themselves in the bathroom and Dazai went through the bandages in the bag, picking out some that were best suited for the current situation. But when he actually pulled up his sleeves and started tugging on one of the bandages to get it off, his hand froze in place and wouldn’t move.

Was he really going to do this?

Like, actually ?

Sure, Chuuya already knew he was pretty messed up but…

Imagining what may be under them and actually seeing what was under them were two whole different things.

“Too much?” Chuuya asked quietly. Dazai let his hands drop onto the sink and closed his eyes, calming his breathing. “‘Ts not that I don’t trust you, gods no! But I- Look- I don’t usually show other people my arms, so it feels super weird and I just- I just-”

Chuuya gently rested a hand on Dazai’s shoulder. “Hey, calm down alright? It’s perfectly fine. If you’re not ready I ain’t gonna force ya into anything y’know?”

Chuuya really was too good for him.

“But I still wanna try. I want you to know, Chuuya. It’s just so difficult to actually do the damn thing. What if you see and then–”, “...And what if I don’t see?” Dazai’s brain came to a halt and he turned to look at his boyfriend who seemed to have an idea. “You’re saying…”

Chuuya leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes. “I’ll keep them shut all the way through. I’ll also stand on the opposite side of the room and turn away if you want. Maybe it’d be practice for you if you start out small? Namely: Having me in the room while you change them but without me looking at you like- at all?”

That… Could actually work. Damn. Chuuya was bringing in ideas. Ideas that Dazai thought he could manage.

“Yea, I’d like to try that.” He responded, making Chuuya smile. “Alright then, I promise on my life that I’m not looking.” Dazai huffed. “You don’t gotta go that far with your promise but… Thanks Chibi.” Chuuya scoffed. “Don’t call me Chibi you menace.” But he didn’t sound angry or upset at all.

With Chuuya on the other side of the room, eyes shut, Dazai managed to take a deep breath and then started pulling off the bandages around his arms, trying his best not to wince as they were removed from the places where some blood had gotten them stuck to his skin. Well, that’s what happens if you don’t wait for the bleeding to stop before wrapping them.

His skin looked angry, and irritated. And as so often when he stared at his arms without the white layer of protection, Dazai wanted to hit his head against a wall. Even if just to blur his sight so he wouldn’t have to look at them.

Countless cuts, some bigger, some smaller, some longer, some shorter. Marks left behind by glass shards, razors, knives and scissors and whatever sharp object was around during his crisis situation. More scar tissue than actual skin, in various stages from white to pink to red.

Dazai hated and loved looking at them. Because each and every one represented something he’d rather forget about. But they were part of him now. Have been for a long time. And he wouldn’t be himself if they didn’t exist.

They hurt.

They made him feel alive.

Like he wasn’t a lifeless doll for others to throw against a wall

Over and over and over and over and over again.

Dazai quickly shook his head, turning on the water and holding his arms under to wash away the remaining smudges of red until he deemed the skin ready to get rewrapped. He threw a cautious glance at Chuuya. But the other teen hadn’t moved from his position and hadn’t opened his eyes once.

“...You really aren’t gonna look? Not even peek?” Dazai asked, surprised. Chuuya shook his head. “I promised, remember? Sure, I’d like to see, but… Not until you’re ready. This is your call to make. Last thing I wanna do is make you feel like you can’t trust me.”

And with Chuuya being like this (Dazai was so screwed. He was absolutely falling. Rapidly.), Dazai made a sudden spurt-of-a-moment decision he surprised himself with and walked up to Chuuya’s side.

“Can you keep your eyes shut but give me your hand?” He asked. Chuuya nodded and held out his hand. And Dazai, using the spontaneous courage he’d just gathered out of nowhere, carefully, very carefully, grabbed Chuuya’s hand.

…And then made him brush his fingers over the scars on his wrist.

Chuuya gasped quietly, but still kept his eyes shut. And then his expression softened as he held Dazai’s arm like this.

“Alright, I think, I got it. Thank you for trusting me. You.. You did a really great job. I’m proud of you.”

And the small amount of praise was enough to give Dazai a choked up feeling in his throat.

—

It was getting later by the minute and the two teens were still very much awake, sitting outside on the terrace, huddled together on one of the comfy chairs with something to drink and some snacks Chuuya’s mother brought them. She didn’t even prod at all when they told her Dazai would be staying the night. And while she didn’t ask, Dazai had a feeling she knew .

Maybe she had seen something in his expression, like Verlaine did a while ago.

Dazai and Chuuya were just staring up at the starry sky while Chuuya rested his head against Dazai’s chest, making himself comfortable while playing with his hands. They hadn’t talked about the situation too much after Dazai had changed his bandages, but he had a feeling Chuuya suddenly seemed even more interested in holding his hand. Not that he’d complain.

“The moon’s beautiful tonight, isn’t it?” Chuuya asked. Dazai blushed and rolled his eyes, drawing a snicker out of his boyfriend as both of them were very aware of what the words meant in some cases.

“Don’t Wattpad-vocab me! I’m gonna start feeling like I’m in some bad, cliché, gay romcom fanfiction!” Dazai complained. Chuuya pouted. “Excusé moi?! I’ll have you know that that phrase is sophisticated poetry! It’s even present in some ao3 fanfics! Don’t even dare putting it on Wattpad level!”

Dazai chuckled lightly. It felt good. That even after such a shitty day(s), with Chuuya, he could still find stuff to laugh about.

“...But yea, it really is quite beautiful.”

Dazai took a look at his phone to check the time. 11:59 PM.

“Chibi? Mind if we stay up a little longer?” Dazai asked. Chuuya sent him a look. “Bold of you to assume I’ll go to sleep before one AM!”

Neither of them would. And Dazai was almost sure they wouldn’t go to school tomorrow anyway. At least he wasn’t gonna go. Stuff was still too fresh on his mind. Sure, he should encourage Chuuya to go to class but… He wouldn’t complain if he didn’t. At least not on that particular day. 

“Any particular reason?” Chuuya then asked. Dazai shook his head.

“It’s really nothing special, don’t worry.”

Just…

The clock turned.

12 AM.

19th of June.

…Maybe this one wasn’t gonna be so lonely.

Chapter Text

When Dazai woke up the next morning, he felt strangely safe and warm with a comfortable weight on top of him. And for a moment he was just plain confused… Until he opened his eyes and recognized who was with him.

There, half asleep on top of him, was his boyfriend, cuddling into his chest and clinging onto him like his life depended on it.

Right . He stayed the night at Chuuya’s place, far away from home.

He couldn’t remember the last time he managed to sleep this well.

“Mornin’” A muffled voice came from the sleepy ginger. Dazai’s expression softened and he carefully reached up a hand to run his fingers through Chuuya’s messy hair. The other teen sighed, sounding fully content and happy, lifting his head to plop his chin down on Dazai’s chest and stare at him as he slowly woke up. And he looked so stupidly cute that Dazai had to restrain himself from squishing his cheeks. 

“We're gonna be late for school.” Dazai responded, dismissively. Like hell he was gonna get up. “Fuck school.” Chuuya responded, just as dismissively, before burying his face in his boyfriend's chest again. In return, Dazai just squished the other in a hug, making him laugh.

For a while they just remained there, before Chuuya pushed himself up into a sitting position and yawned. Dazai just watched him, refusing to get up quite yet. Chuuya’s bed was too comfortable.

“You gonna leave me after all?” He asked. The ginger shook his head. “Nah. But we should probably get out of the house before it gets too late. My parents are chill but… They’ll still ask questions if they realize we’re skipping school.” 

Dazai sat up as well and tilted his head. “Got it. In that case… Where are we going?” Chuuya just shrugged and pulled him off the bed and to his feet, almost making him dizzy. “Wherever the fuck you want. Up you go!”

Dazai never liked his birthday. But he was gonna enjoy spending the day with Chuuya.

—

“Alrighty… We have successfully broken out without anyone noticing. Freedom!” Chuuya cheered once they snuck out of the house and disappeared out of its general vicinity. Dazai scoffed. “I thought you liked being at home.” Chuuya shrugged. “I do, but right now I’d rather take my boyfriend on a date after he’s had a few rough days! Just fulfilling my duties!” Dazai raised an eyebrow. “Really, that’s all I am to you? A duty? Damn… And here I thought we had something more…” Chuuya rolled his eyes and flipped him off. “Fuck off idiot, you know that’s not what I meant.”

When they turned the next corner, Chuuya discreetly slipped his hand into Dazai’s, sending him a questioning look to which the brunette just nodded, squeezing his hand right back. “Look Chibi, I’d give you suggestions as to where we should go but… I kind of never really had anything I wanted to do or any place I wanted to go to in my life so I just- Have no idea.”

I just wanna spend the day with you.

Chuuya sent him a look of disbelief. “What?! Well, in that case it’s about time you start doing stuff in your free time!” Dazai huffed. “It’s technically not our free time tho…” Chuuya sent him a look. “Well fuck that! We’re gonna have fun! You’re a straight A student! You’re not gonna miss anything anyway!” Dazai let out a small laugh. “I’m starting to think you’re using me to get out of class…”

And of course he was met with instant, loud denial. Alas, he didn’t mind. Because even if it was one of the reasons they were doing this, he knew that Chuuya also just wanted them to have a good time.

—

“An aquarium?” Dazai asked, surprised, as they reached the destination Chuuya had picked for them. Chuuya looked off to the side. “Look- I know it’s cheesy and stuff. And aquarium dates are like- super cliché- but-”, “Let’s go in.” Dazai cut him off, determined. Chuuya shut up and looked at him surprised. “Wh–”, “Let’s go in.”

The person they got their tickets from looked at them a little confused, but thankfully they let them in anyway. And once they were inside, it was basically perfect.

It was still early on a school day, so there were basically no people around. It was quiet, and peaceful, which meant that, despite the public setting they  were in, Dazai didn’t feel too on edge and watched. Instead, he could focus on what was around them.

“I can’t remember the last time I was in an aquarium, if I ever was in the first place.” Dazai admitted quietly. Even digging through his memories back when things weren’t as bad, he couldn’t find a place like this anywhere. Chuuya smiled and tugged him along. “Well then, there’s a first time for everything!”

Walking into the aquarium felt like stepping into a whole new dimension that was everything Dazai wanted in a safe space.

Enough room to stick close to the walls, but also to not be trapped in a narrow hallway with too many people. Quiet, calm music playing from the speakers all around. Silence, helped by the signs telling aquarium visitors to please be quiet. Gentle, low light coming from most of the fish tanks… And the fact that things were moving everywhere without making a single noise other than the comforting sounds of running water. Always there in the background, but never in a way where it made his brain hurt.

Fish were silent creatures. And yet they were always moving. Living in their own little world with no one disturbing them.

Even more fascinating than the fish, however, was the way Chuuya reacted to them. A little like he did to the gentle waves of the pool water in the wind, but less zoned out. Present in the moment, yet still with his brain at peace. He looked like he could watch the fish for hours and not move a muscle. All while he had a peaceful smile on his face.

The jellyfish especially seemed to have that effect on him.

The moon jelly aquarium was big and dark, with nothing in it but the translucent creatures, lit up by blue lighting. They moved in circles, floating through the water like they didn’t weigh a thing (they really didn’t), just going with the flow, letting themselves be swept up by the gentle current. Beautiful alien creatures. And Chuuya was mesmerized.

“How does it feel when you look at them?” Dazai asked quietly. Chuuya didn’t turn his head, but he did respond.

“It looks so easy for them, y’know. Going with the flow and all. They’re all moving in the same rhythm, pace, direction… Without a care in the world. They don’t have to worry. The current will always carry them along. They’re not getting left behind, or slowing down, and even if they do, the others do, too. They may not be aware of it, but they’re all part of the group. Peace, harmony, all that stuff, and it doesn’t take them any effort whatsoever.” 

Dazai listened up. Chuuya sounded almost a little bitter. Like he felt every word he was saying deep in his bones. Which certainly was… Something.

Chuuya placed a hand against the glass of the tank. “Honestly, I’m jealous. Why do they get to have it so easy? What do they have that I don’t?”

Oh.

That was..-

“They don’t have a brain.” The words were out before Dazai could think about them again. But from the way Chuuya’s hand on the glass tightened into a fist, Dazai had hit the nail on the head.

“...Exactly.” Chuuya responded. “They don’t have a brain that messes everything up for them. Wish I was them. Would sure make stuff a whole lot easier.” And then he pulled back from the tank, relaxing his posture, plastering a smile on his face once more. …Like nothing happened. “Anyway! Sorry ‘bout that! Let’s continue looking at the fish!”

Still, especially after that complete switch-up of Chuuya’s mood, Dazai wasn’t gonna get what his boyfriend said out of his head anymore.

—

Dazai had long since lost track of how long they’d been in the aquarium. But in his defence: Chuuya and he were having fun! Though they did eventually get to a point where they reached the final room with one wall consisting of a large aquarium with more different types of fish than Dazai could count. And as they stood there, taking everything in, one particular fish swam up to the glass and just- stared at them. And Dazai, unable to accept that the creature dared staring at his boyfriend, decided to be petty and stare right back.

In hindsight, maybe the fish wasn’t even looking at them. Actually, Dazai was pretty sure the guy didn’t even have the brain capacity to look at them. There was literally nothing going on in that head. It was just kind of there. But now that he’d already started, he wasn’t gonna lose a staring match to a fish. Never. Which meant that, unfortunately, he was just gonna have to stay there.

…Until he heard a small click and the fish turned and swam off to the side. And as Dazai looked over to where the sound had come from, he came face to face with Chuuya who looked far too amused, holding up his phone. “Sorry- just- That picture was fucking hilarious. I had to take it.”

Dazai felt himself flushing. “Hey! Why would you–”, “You and that Mackerel… Perfect mirror images of one another. The exact same dead-eyed stare… Beautiful. I fucking love it.” Dazai just proceeded to punch Chuuya’s shoulder in embarrassment. “Shut upppp!” 

Chuuya just laughed. “Never! I’ll forever remind you of that one time you had a staring contest with your fish twin!” And Dazai had a feeling he’d never get out of this ever again. And so he just pouted and crossed his arms. “At least I won.” He stated.

Chuuya’s laughter died down into small giggles.

…And then he leaned up to kiss Dazai’s cheek, nearly causing him a heart attack.

“Yeah you did.”

Chuuya just kissed him.

In public.

Granted, there was no one around but…

“Did you just-”

Chuuya looked away and crossed his arms. “...’M sorry?”

Dazai’s heart skipped a beat and he took Chuuya’s hands into his own. “...I think that, as long as my father doesn’t find out, I’m okay with this. Just.. Not in front of everyone at school and stuff. I’m not quite there yet.” 

Chuuya gave him a gentle smile in return. “Alright, got it.”

For a long, strange moment, the two of them just stared at one another, holding hands. Just them, the light of the fish tanks, and their rapid heartbeats.

If Dazai were to just lean down a little more and..

“Zai… Can I–”

“Mom! Look at that huge fish! Isn’t it just the coolest!” A child’s voice pierced through their silence. And just like that, the moment disappeared.

What even was that..?

Chuuya took a step back and Dazai immediately started missing the other teen’s warmth so close to him. Stupid child, getting in the way of–

Of what, exactly?

Were they gonna…

Dazai tried to banish the thought as soon as it appeared. If he didn’t, he feared his face might’ve overheated. And so he just looked down at the ground. “...We should probably get out of here. It’s already afternoon. There’s gonna be lots of people soon.”

Chuuya mirrored his behavior, seemingly flustered himself. And Dazai found himself hoping he hadn’t been the only one with that thought just now. “Yea let’s..” His boyfriend mumbled, the two of them moving towards the exit swiftly.

…On the way out, they stopped by the little store where Chuuya bought a Mackerel plush and handed it to Dazai. “Here. You should put this in that sad, depressed-looking room of yours. It’ll be a start, at least.”

Dazai hugged the plush Mackerel close. “Aw~ Chibi’s the best!”

And thankfully, their interrupted moment didn’t seem like it left any uncomfortable tension between the two teens.

—

“I only really learned how to make myself fit in like- a year and a half ago.” Chuuya explained, looking up at the sky. The two of them were sitting on some rocks at the beach, looking out at the ocean. In the end, Dazai did end up deciding to ask Chuuya about his problems. Because he really wanted to get that off his mind.

“Excuse me what?” Dazai asked, surprised. Chuuya was the most popular student in their class! There was no way he-

“Surprised?” Chuuya asked. Dazai looked down at their feet. “‘Surprised’ is an understatement.” Chuuya chuckled and leaned over, resting his head on Dazai’s shoulder. “I know. But it’s the truth. Being myself just wasn’t doing me any favors so I decided I was gonna try to be someone else. As you can see… It worked. And all it costs me is all of my energy every single day…”

Dazai hugged his boyfriend softly and Chuuya melted into him.

“Every step I take in school is carefully calculated to fit who they want me to be. The cool popular kid who doesn’t give a damn about his grades and just wants to have fun. And sure, these things are actually part of who I am, but that doesn’t mean they’re all I am. They are, however, the parts that I want them to see. Because anything else might just make them think I’m strange. And I’m not risking that. Not after all the work it took for me to get to this point where people don’t dislike me on principle alone or because it apparently makes them ‘cool’. And the only people who get to see the other stuff are the ones I’m closest to.”

Dazai petted Chuuya’s hair softly. “...Does that include me, too?” Chuuya hummed and closed his eyes. “Would I be telling you this if it didn’t, dumbass?” Dazai snorted. “Fair point.”

He waited for a few more seconds, but it seemed as though Chuuya was done with telling him about stuff for now, just resting against him.

Sometimes, part of the reason why someone shines as bright as they do is because they don’t want others to truly see them, scared of rejection. Dazai felt as though Chuuya might be one such case. And having someone with such a mindset tell him about his problems…

He was lucky, really. Lucky and trusted.

“Y’know Chuuya… Those six months of class I missed a while back, they happened because I was brought into a psychiatric hospital.” Chuuya’s eyes went wide and he looked at him, surprised. “So yea. You told me a secret about your life, I told you a secret about mine. There you go. Don’t tell anyone, alright? They already think I’m insane anyway.”

Spoken words, holding an unspoken meaning they both immediately seemed to understand.

You trust me.

I trust you.

We trust each other.

We’re there for each other.

Our secrets are safe with each other.

“You sure are something, Dazai. Can’t believe you’re this fucking casual about something like that. What the fuck is wrong with you?” Chuuya hummed. Dazai shrugged. “A lot! Wouldn’t even know where to start!” His words made Chuuya laugh, and that’s what he cared about most in that moment.

“Anyway… I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to dump my problems on ya. Thank you anyway.” The redhead said after calming down a little. And well, that just wouldn’t do now would it?

“Now listen up Chibi!” Dazai pulled back, grabbing his boyfriend by the shoulders. Chuuya just tilted his head and nodded. “What’s up? I’m listening.”

Chuuya deserved to be appreciated.

“Don’t you dare apologize for opening up about your problems. You deserve support too, Chibi. You literally went up to the most depressed, mentally unstable student in this class and told him you want to date him, despite all his issues. Most people would never . You, however, decided that this is a challenge you’re willing to accept. If there’s anyone deserving all the support in this world then it’s you.”

Dazai’s heart skipped a beat as he watched Chuuya’s face take on a soft, red color. Flustered Chuuya was undoubtedly one of his all time favorite Chuuyas.

“You’ve done so much to help me already, Chuuya. You put so much effort into this relationship and for that you deserve the world. So… Even if it’s just sometimes, allow me to try and help you, too. It’s the least I can do.”

Chuuya looked off to the side, hands gripping tightly onto his own pants. “But you’ve got all that shit to deal with on your own. I don’t wanna add more problems to the mix. Especially not my own. Won’t it just make everything even more difficult?” Dazai offered him a smile. “So what if it does? We can deal with stuff together. Isn’t that in itself a big part of this relationship anyway?”

Chuuya was quiet for a moment and just stared at him. Dazai carefully moved a hand up to rest it on his boyfriend’s cheek, brushing over his small freckles with a thumb. And Chuuya, in an almost automatic reaction, leaned into his touch.

“...You really wanna know about my problems on top of everything?” He asked. Dazai moved his second hand up and squished Chuuya’s cheeks softly. Of course he did.

“‘Course I do. You’re always there for me when I need you. And I wanna do the same for you. Relationships are a mutual thing, are they not? So I’m not just gonna stand by and watch you struggle. Plus: Everything you’re having difficulties with, it’s all part of who you are as a person. So… If I wanna know who you are, who you really are, those are things that are inevitably parts of it. Things that make my Chuuya, my Chuuya. ”

Chuuya just watched him with wide eyes, like he was having difficulties processing the words he was speaking. Still, he leaned into Dazai’s hands and looked at him with such an unbearably soft expression that it made Dazai feel like he was gonna implode.

“Are you saying…” He started. Dazai nodded.

“Yea, I am.” He responded.

His touch on Chuuya’s face softened and now he was just holding him there gently.

“I want to know your everything, Chuuya. What makes you happy. What makes you sad. What you’re good at. What you struggle with. Your ups and downs, your problems and solutions… All the same things you want to know about me, I want to know about you, too. I think that’s what it means to be truly together, right? And while I may not be as good at being there for you and helping you as you are with me, I still wanna do my best to give back at least a fraction of the support I get from you.”

And then, gathering all the courage he could muster, Dazai placed the softest, smallest of kisses right on Chuuya’s lips, completely freezing him in place.

“‘Cause you’re like a light, showing me the right path. And I never, ever want that light to go out. Therefore, I gotta watch over it and make sure that everything that dims it is being taken care of.”

When Chuuya finally managed to un-freeze, he threw himself into Dazai’s arms and hugged him close. And Dazai hugged him right back, trying to protect him from the world.

—

“Are you sure you’re gonna be alright?” Chuuya asked, nervously playing with Dazai’s fingers who just sighed. “Probably not. Depends on whether he’s home or not. But the longer I stay away, the angrier it’ll make him. So I better just face it head-on rather than allowing stuff to get worse.”

Chuuya made a face. “ Worse ?! How the fuck is it gonna get worse?!” Dazai shrugged. “Been asking myself that question for 11 years, and he keeps exceeding my expectations…”

Chuuya obviously didn’t like the thought of letting him go. Alas… They unfortunately didn’t exactly have a choice. The redhead squeezed his hand softly. “...Can you at least promise to call or text me once you’ve got some peace? Y’know, just so I’ll at least know how you’re doing?” Dazai squeezed right back and nodded. “...Alright. I promise. And if I forget, feel free to spam me with messages or calls, yea?” Chuuya nodded. “Yea.”

An entire day spent with Chuuya… Something he wished to have a lot more of. Not only because it was fun, no. But also because it had brought the two of them closer. And while Chuuya’s past experiences were still a little shrouded in mystery, gathering just that little bit of new information on his boyfriend was the best gift Dazai could’ve ever asked for.

Right, Chuuya still didn’t know.

Well, it was probably better like this. Because Dazai really didn’t like all that this day stood for.

Still, today was great. And even with the prospect of confronting his father as soon as he stepped into the building, Dazai had a feeling he was gonna go to bed content that night. So maybe it was worth mentioning.

“Hey Chuuya?” He asked. Chuuya looked up at him. “Hm?” Dazai brought the small redhead into a soft hug. “You’re the best for spending today with me. I owe you one.” Chuuya grinned in return. “Anytime, Mackerel! Whenever you feel like disappearing from home and/or school for a while, my door’s always open!”

And Dazai had a feeling he’d follow up on that offer many, many times in the future.

Chuuya was about to wave him goodbye, though by that time, Dazai had already decided that it was okay. That he’d like Chuuya to know.

“Chibi?”

“Yea?”

“I think that today might be the first birthday in my life on which I won’t go to bed, crying myself to sleep about how yet another year went by without me managing to leave this world. So… Thanks for making today so special. …Love you.”

Chuuya visibly short-circuited, drawing a small laugh out of Dazai. And before the redhead could even say a word about the secret birthday or the other stuff, Dazai had already disappeared in the direction of Tsushima Manor.

Sure, the dread was still there and it settled in more and more… But as he walked towards the entrance door, he found himself with an additional, new type of energy.

That no matter how this evening was gonna go, the next day he’d wake up and could go and see Chuuya again.

Something to look forward to.

Chapter Text

Dazai never liked summer. And as the hottest months of the year approached, it was just gonna get worse. Starting by the school making it mandatory to wear their short-sleeved summer uniforms to protect the students from the heat. Which, sure, might make sense but…

Dazai’s arms were itchy all over and he felt like clawing his skin off. It was warm, uncomfortable, and rather than making him feel better by the light breeze being able to brush against his bandages, it just made him feel very, very unsafe.

A feeling that was justified. And he hadn’t even stepped onto school grounds when it already started.

“Look at him! He really is a mummy!”

“I thought the constant wrist bandages were a lot already but now it’s his entire arm?”

“They don’t make you look ‘edgy’, they just make you look stupid.”

“Give it up already and look normal!”

Dazai stopped in his tracks, looking down at the ground. Their voices were so loud, and his brain was so sensitive, and their words were just mean.

If I took these off you’d think of me as even more of a lunatic.

Same old, same old. But considering his shoulders didn’t look much better than his forearms, he didn’t exactly have a choice.

Walking onto school grounds felt like moving through a thick wall of fog. All noise was muffled except for his own footsteps. Those, however, seemed loud and echo-y. To him, at least. They were probably barely noticeable for anyone else.

“So it actually is real that he has those everywhere? I thought it was just his wrists…”

“Creepy. I wonder what he’s hiding.”

‘Ignore them Osamu. They’ll get bored eventually.’

“Hey, bandages! Got some ugly tattoos to cover up?”

Don’t listen to them.

“Hey! I’m talking to you! What, did you lose your voice?”

Why were they so loud?

“Shouldn’t you know that it isn’t nice to ignore people who are giving you attention for once? Isn’t that what you want, walking around like this?”

Ignore them. Ignore them. Ignore them. Ignorethemignorethemignorethem.

Whoever was talking, they started to sound frustrated. That’s.. What Dazai wanted.. Right..? First it’s frustration, and then they’ll ignore him. That’s what his aunt told him, at least. But he wasn’t sure he had the patience to wait for the ignoring part of the whole thing. He just wanted some peace and quiet and to not be bothered by anyone.

And Chuuya wasn’t even here today to help him. Not in the morning, at least, because the guy had a dentist appointment during school hours. Which meant that for the moment, Dazai was all by himself.

He shouldn’t have problems. He was used to this. Just because Chuuya’s been with him so much lately didn’t mean he had lost the ability to exist on his own. But returning to normal after learning what it was like to have someone care , it wasn’t easy. Even if it was just for a day.

But…

“Where’s your guard dog? I thought the two of you were ‘besties’ now. Did he finally leave you to suffer on your own? Deserved. Never got what in the world he’s thinking to hang out with you anyway.”

Ouch.

That.. Kind of hurt. More than the other stuff hurt.

“Seriously tho. How did you brainwash him? Nakahara deserves like- a lot better.”

How the fuck did you get from complaining about my bandages to complaining about Chuuya? What are you trying to achieve?!

“Maybe he felt bad for you. No friends, no nothing, so he decided to take you in from the goodness of his heart.”

Shut up! Shutupshutupshutup! Chuuya likes me. It’s not–

“Awww, look at his face. Now he looks even more depressed! Aware of your own worth, are you? Maybe you’re like a trophy so he can show off that he gained the trust of the weird quiet kid! That’s gotta be it!”

“Chuuya would never keep someone around as a trophy, asshole! He’s better than that! And he keeps me around because he likes having me around!” Dazai snapped.

…And in the same moment he realized that this was exactly what the guy wanted to achieve. Something that would definitely get a reaction out of him if the regular bullying wasn’t enough anymore. Fuck . He let his guard down.

The fellow student’s face was blurred by the fog in Dazai’s mind. But he could still see him grin.

“Ah, there he is! Waking up to defend his place in Nakahara’s space… You sure you’re not just one of his admirers as well? Wouldn’t be surprised if the weirdo bandage guy was also gay!”

And Dazai froze . His feet firmly stuck in place, refusing to move, no matter how much he yelled in his head to get them to do what he wanted. Put into the spotlight, in the middle of the school’s entrance area, with all the people around turning to stare at him.

A million eyes, boring into his very being. Mouths, spreading into grins. Laughter that wasn’t actually quite there yet but still in his head. And then his entire body was filled with dread.

“Hold up. Don’t tell me I’m actually right ?! HA! If that’s the truth, you’re even more pathetic than I expected! Do you honestly think he’d ever even bother giving you a chance?”

And Dazai wanted to scream with every cell of his body and tell the guy that Chuuya was actually his boyfriend, but he couldn’t. Not alone. Not without Chuuya’s permission. Not like this. Instead, like the complete failure he was, he just remained silent.

“Very amusing. I literally can’t wait until Nakahara gets back here so we can tell him about this. Maybe then he’ll finally see that you’re a hopeless case and drop you.”

Chuuya wouldn’t do that. Right? He’d defend him, …right? 

 ̶E̶v̶e̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶o̶u̶g̶h̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶y̶ ̶w̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶r̶i̶g̶h̶t̶

But Dazai’s mouth wouldn’t open, and he was unable to say a thing. Pathetic.

Maybe he should just go right back home..–

“Don’t you have anything better to do than mess with people who haven’t done a thing?!” A voice asked. Familiar, and …somewhat safer?

“And what the fuck is your business with him Shirase? Has he brainwashed your entire group?!” The student from earlier asked again. Shirase stepped in front of Dazai. Like he was.. Protecting him?

“He hasn’t brainwashed anyone you moron! All of you are just so convinced of your own opinion that you’re not willing to consider any other option!” Yuan’s voice. She, too.. And suddenly, there were two people on either side of Dazai. And both of them were glaring daggers in the direction of the other students.

Why were they..-

“If he hasn’t brainwashed you guys then why are you on his side?” Someone asked. Dazai was still frozen in place. But the others responded with no hesitation whatsoever.

“Because he’s our friend , maybe? Have you lost all your braincells?” Shirase responded. And just like that, it seemed like the other students didn’t have an answer anymore. Dazai felt two fingers tug on his school uniform jacket and he snapped out of his frozen state, coming face to face with pink hair and a concerned expression. “Come on, Dazai. We’re leaving. Don’t listen to these assholes, they don’t know shit.” And Dazai couldn’t do much but nod.

At least his legs seemed to be unfrozen. And with the other two on either of his sides, he felt a little less watched and out in the open already.

“You okay?” Shirase asked as they entered their otherwise still empty classroom. Dazai looked at the ground, playing with his bandages. “I’m okay.” He lied. It wasn’t really a good lie. But the other two didn’t prod further.

“Is this like- A regular thing that happens?” Yuan asked, crossing her arms. “It happens often. A little less lately, or I just don’t notice, ‘cause I’m with Chuuya. But now he’s not here and we’ve got that stupid rule with the summer uniforms and now everything’s gonna get a whole lot worse regardless.” He really didn’t wanna bother the two of them with his problems. Alas… here he was. Pathetic . Why was he like this again?

“Well then, I suppose we have no other choice. Shirase.. We’re gonna make this decision in Chuuya’s name!” To which Dazai was a little confused but… As though the two of them shared their braincells: “Yup. We will. And I’m sure he won’t mind. That’s his boyfriend. If anyone’s got the right to sit there it’s him.”

Dazai was still confused but…

“You’re sitting with us from now on, alright? At the empty desk next to Chuuya’s. Y’know, that desk no one ever dares sitting at because they’d either get chased off by our favorite ginger or would really quickly lose the ability to pay attention to class because he’s more interesting to most of them”

Dazai looked at them surprised. “...And you’re sure sure he won’t mind?” Yuan started laughing. “Bro, he’s literally whipped for you. If there’s one person in the world he’d allow to sit there, then it’d be you.” And well, Dazai wasn’t gonna miss the chance to not only move his seat to a safer location, but also to sit next to Chuuya. And so he nodded. But…

“Hey, uhm- Can I ask a stupid question?”

Shirase nodded eagerly. “We love stupid questions!”

“...Are you two actually.. My friends?”

The room was quiet for a moment, then both of them burst out laughing. “‘Course we are! At least we consider you as such. You can take as much time as you want to reciprocate that sentiment tho!”

…Dazai had friends . Apparently.

What a foreign concept.

Friends who were willing to stand up for him.

Maybe he really was dead.

Later, when Chuuya did eventually join them for class, he took one look at Dazai’s new seat, sent him a satisfied grin and threw a piece of paper with a heart drawn on it at him.

—

“I’m gonna rip their heads off the next time I see them.” Chuuya grumbled quietly, hugging Dazai like he was trying to protect him from the world, which Dazai was quite content with. “Don’t bother. Even that wouldn’t convince them to stop. Odasa– I mean- Oda-sensei already scolded them plenty of times but it’s like they don’t care. Best course of action’s probably to ignore them. Which I tried but–”

Chuuya sighed and petted his hair. “Is there any way I could help?” He asked. Dazai shrugged. “Not sure. I mean.. Just being around me already helps a little so-”

“You could make your relationship public.” Yuan suggested, looking up from her food. Both Dazai and Chuuya looked up at her surprised. She sighed and put her chopsticks down. “I’m just saying that they might be more inclined to believe you if you told them the two of you were a thing.”

An uncomfortable feeling spread in Dazai’s chest. And it wasn’t only due to the prospect of others hating him even more due to jealousy.

…Because what if the whole thing got to his father somehow?

Chuuya shook his head. “Not yet. Zai’s not ready. …Am I right?” Dazai nodded. “Mhm. It’s not that I don’t wanna tell them. It’s just that there’s stuff I gotta think about first before I do. …Then again. Pretty sure the rumor that I’ve got a thing for him’s already all over the school, considering the situation this morning.” Chuuya tightened his hold on his boyfriend. “...Come again?”

Ah, right, they hadn’t told him the details.

“...One of the other students asked if I’m gay and into you, basically. And I just kind of froze. Pretty sure that was all the confirmation they needed.” He explained. 

For a moment, Chuuya was quiet, then he huffed, amused. “I suppose that happened then.” Dazai raised his head. “You don’t mind having rumors about you?” Chuuya shrugged. “Those rumors aren’t just rumors tho, right? They’re real. So… I don’t care. In fact, I’ll happily piss them off by openly showing interest in you. How’s that? Don’t worry. As long as we don’t confirm anything, he won’t be able to do shit.”

Shirase tilted his head. “‘He’?” He asked. Dazai tensed and Chuuya simply just held him. “It’s complicated. Don’t worry about it. It’s nothing you guys have to deal with.” …Which thankfully seemed to be enough for the other two.

Dazai leaned back into Chuuya’s hold. “I guess I just don’t really know what to do. If I don’t pay their words any mind, they’re just gonna try it with different stuff. And eventually they’ll mention something that, no matter how hard I try, I won’t be able to ignore. And if I react to that, it’ll be all they talk about just so they can mess with me. Knowing my luck, it might actually be something I have a lot of difficulties dealing with. …And that’d be even worse than anything going on right now.”

He felt pretty shitty, having Chuuya and his friends listen to his problems. Here he was, occupying the popular band kids’ time, even though they probably had much cooler stuff to do than hanging out with their mentally unstable +1.

“Anyway. Sorry ‘bout that. Don’t you wanna-I dunno. Hang out with your friends during break and stuff?” Dazai then asked. Yuan responded with a smile. “But we’re already doing that, are we not? You’re here with us! We are , in fact, hanging out with our friend.”

Again.

Friend.

That word.

It still felt foreign, as it did every time they referred to him as such. He’d probably never get used to it. But…

“We’ll protect you! You’re part of the group! Doesn’t matter what the others say. It’s our decision! So… Fuck them and their opinions. They’re stupid.” Shirase said, impressing Dazai with how lightly he was taking this stuff. Sometimes he really envied these people. They were just doing what they wanted. And yet somehow, that was more than enough to make people like them. Dazai could never. He really wasn’t cool enough to be here.

“Yup, he’s right. And I will punch someone if I decide they’ve messed with my boyfriend too much.” Chuuya threatened. His hold around Dazai’s waist tightening protectively. Dazai still sometimes found himself in mild disbelief at how willing he was to have someone this close. Well, not just anyone , this was Chuuya. But still.

“You sure you’re willing to let yourself get suspended for my sake?” Dazai asked, turning his head to Chuuya who just shrugged. “If it makes you even just a little safer, I won’t hesitate for a second, idiot. You should know that by now. …Anyway, want some of my lunch? I have crab with me~” 

Dazai immediately perked up and looked at the redhead, drawing a snicker out of him. Crab was one of the few things he could kind of eat. …And of course Chuuya knew that.

“Me too, actually! Hand over your lunch box Chuuya! We’re gonna feed your boyfriend some crab!” Yuan added. Chuuya sent Dazai a look. “Is that..-” Dazai quickly nodded and offered Chuuya a small smile. “That’s okay. I’ll see how much I can manage.”

Chuuya looked… Kind of proud, if Dazai’s eyes weren’t deceiving him. And it gave him enough motivation to try and eat at least a little bit. 

—

The second half of the day went by somewhat smoothly. Chuuya’s death glares served their intended purpose of scaring quite a few of the annoying students away. And while those who didn’t get scared were a pain to deal with, it was all a little more manageable than before.

Still, Dazai couldn’t wait to get out of here. Far away from their eyes, their voices, everything. He’s had enough for a day. More than enough.

Not that home would be much better.

…Though it turns out that, while focusing on somehow getting through the day alive, he’d forgotten about a very particular announcement that was gonna throw him right back into internal chaos. Brought to him by their teacher in the last lesson of the day.

“Now… As you may know, there will be a class trip every year. And this year in particular, all of us will be going on a camping trip together. And considering that it will happen three weeks from now on, it’s about time we give you some basic information. So please listen closely! This will be important!”

And while the entire rest of the class started cheering and whispering amongst themselves, Dazai suddenly felt as though the Mariana Trench had been teleported right in front of his feet and he was about to fall right in, head-first.

Class trips.

A primal fear, so deeply ingrained into his bones that he wasn’t sure it’d ever disappear.

Chapter Text

“Please go together in groups of four for your rooms! And remember! Girls and guys aren’t allowed in the same room! You’ll see plenty of each other throughout the day so don’t worry!”

The classroom erupted into loud chatter. Dazai remained firmly rooted in place. Sitting in his seat, unmoving. It was of no use. Even if he had the strength to get up, no one would want him in their group anyway. He’d just wait until the teacher noticed and put him somewhere. There was no such thing as a ‘good’ or ‘favorite’ option to him.

“Quick quick quick! We need to find a fourth person for our group!”

“Yea! If we don’t, we’re gonna have to be with the weirdo!”

“Can’t you just make him stay here, sensei? He doesn’t want to go anyway!”

“Or room him with the girls! Nothing’s gonna happen between him and anyone anyway because no one likes him!”

Dazai stared down at his hands on the table. Their comments made him feel… bad. Just bad. Not sad. Not angry. Just bad.

“Look, I know that he isn’t the most liked student in this class. But that doesn’t mean he’s gonna be excluded! You’re going to take him into a group, whether you want it or not. It will be a perfect opportunity to learn more about him and change your mind!”

Their stupid, stupid teacher… Thinking that her words would do anything to improve his chances at not being hated. Wasted effort. If it could even be called effort if nothing at all was coming from it.

The group he was eventually assigned to were not happy with his presence. And once again Dazai wondered if any of this was even worth it.

You’ll always be hated and excluded. This is your place in the world.

—

The day of the trip, he survived the bus ride and the introduction of their instructors. That was all tho. Because a mere ten minutes after stepping foot into his group’s room, all he wanted was to leave. All he could do, however, was sit on his mattress and stare at the ground while his classmates ignored his existence and talked about girls.

He couldn’t be on his phone. He couldn’t write or call his aunt. Nothing. Because the teachers had confiscated their phones right at the beginning so they could focus on ‘being with the group in the moment’.

No precautions he had taken were enough to make him feel any better. Not his clothes he could hide in. Not his brand-new sheets that he bought specifically so he wouldn’t give them any more ammunition to insult him further, calling him childish because of the patterns on his normal bedsheets. Not the book to quietly read. Not the writing pad he brought to sit in a corner and draw something. None of it made him feel any better.

His classmates may be ignoring him. And yet he couldn’t spend a single moment in a room with them without being terrified. He couldn’t fucking do it. It was too much. Their presence, their voices, the voices he was so used to hearing insults from. Their every look through the room, heart rate spiking whenever they even looked in his general direction. His mind couldn’t calm down. Because every word they spoke felt like the next one was gonna be something mean directed at him.

They weren’t even talking to or about him. But the sheer dread and terror was more than enough to make him feel like crying, eyes so close to watering, as he was barely keeping himself together with every last bit of energy he had.

Two hours of this and he couldn’t take it anymore, getting up from bed and quickly leaving the room without a word.

—

Their teacher looked at him, staring into his soul.

“You want to what ?.” She asked, sounding upset. Dazai shrank in place and gripped onto his own hands so tightly that bruises were forming on his skin and his knuckles were turning white.

“I would like to have my phone and call home, please. I can’t anymore.” He mumbled, voice muted as he was failing to push back his tears more and more. The teacher looked at him, confused. “You can’t do what anymore, exactly?” She asked. Dazai felt himself become even smaller.

“I just can’t.”

He had no idea how to name what was wrong with him. He had no words for it. But he just couldn’t.

The teacher sighed. “Alright. You can call home. But at least try to get over whatever you’re struggling with. This trip is mandatory.”

She handed him his phone and Dazai ran out of the room before he could actually start crying.

…Though he did actually start sniffling, tears rolling down his cheeks as he curled up in the darkest, most hidden corner he could find and shakily dialed his aunt’s number. And, of course, because his aunt was the best, she picked up his call after a mere few seconds, her voice worried. “Osamu? What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

And only hearing her was enough to make Dazai cry harder, barely managing to choke out his words between quiet sobs.

“Y- You need to come get me Kiye. I- I just- I can’t take it anymore.”

He didn’t exchange another word with his classmates or teachers that day, simply getting his stuff and sluggishly putting everything into Kiye’s trunk. He couldn’t even speak to her properly. And he spent the entire drive home curled up in his seat, cuddling into his aunt’s jacket while he soon ran out of tears.

—

Dazai was too scared.

And so, after that first class trip when he was 11, he didn’t participate in any further class trips. Neither his classmates, nor his teachers complained or asked him about any of it. They just let it happen.

And when he eventually did end up going on a class trip again in 8th grade…

Three days. He made it for a whole three days until every single bit of his life energy was fully drained.

That class trip when he was 14 ended with him in an emergency hospital, barely surviving.

…Followed by the worst six months of his life.

…Followed by a permanent ban from bringing his sleeping meds anywhere.

===

“It scares you, hm?” Odasaku asked. Dazai was slowly spinning in circles on the office chair. “It’d be the first multi-day class trip happening after the clinic.” He responded quietly. “And there’s so much I’m so scared of.”

Odasaku sighed and petted his hair. “Like what, exactly?” To which Dazai remained quiet for a moment.

The other students…

The prospect of having no real way to escape…

The teachers walking on eggshells around him because–

Dazai’s hold on the chair tightened and he ceased all movement. “The other students, obviously. And the fact that I can’t really escape. But… Worst of it is how the teachers are probably gonna treat me. Like I’m made of glass. Like I could break at any moment. But not because they care, but because they’re worried about their jobs. And for all I know they’re gonna do it in such an obvious way that everyone with half a functioning brain cell will be able to figure it out easily. And then all the secrecy is gonna be for nothing. I’m already branded as a weirdo to all the others as is. I don’t want them to know what that ‘accident’ during that school trip back then actually was about.”

Even if he asked Odasaku to tell the other teachers not to treat him the way they might actually treat him, he wasn’t sure they were gonna listen anyway.

“But… Would you like to go on that class trip?” Odasaku asked, to which Dazai froze in place.

“We should absolutely fucking share a tent, Mackerel! Five days without having to worry about your shitty spawning unit finding us. And if we’re smart about it, we can spend all the time we want being outside at night. Plus, obviously, we could like- sleep together? Hold up! Not like- that sleeping together. But cuddling and stuff, y’know? Lots of potential fun stuff to do as well! And considering Shirase and Yuan are gonna be there as well, you don’t gotta worry about being alone.”

“...I’d like to try, at least. I mean.. Chuuya is gonna be there too so...” Dazai mumbled. Odasaku’s expression softened. “The boyfriend, hm?” Dazai felt his cheeks redden the slightest bit. “Yea.” He then responded quietly.

The teacher leaned back against his desk and looked down at him with crossed arms. 

“Well then. In the end, it’s your own decision whether you trust yourself to go or whether you’d like to stay here. You have to think about it yourself. I can’t tell you what you should do because I can’t see into your head and therefore don’t know what’s best for you.”

Right. Dazai should’ve expected this answer when he came to Odasaku of all people to ask what he should do.

“But…”

Dazai raised his head and looked up as the teacher spoke. He had a gentle, encouraging expression on his face. Something the man was really good at. Showing genuine care for students struggling with their mental health. 

Dazai felt like he mattered .

“I believe in you, Dazai-kun. I think you have the strength to do this. I know how difficult this might be for you. But I’m sure Chuuya-kun and his friends are gonna help you if any problems arise. I’ve seen you with them during breaks. You found yourself people who care about you. Plus..”

Odasaku hummed and picked up his planner, opening it and writing something down..

“If you want, I’ll volunteer to be one of the teachers coming along on the trip. If that could be of any help to you?”

Dazai’s eyes widened and he didn’t resist the urge to give Odasaku a quick, grateful hug. “Thanks, Odasaku. I.. I think that would help me a lot.” Odasaku nodded and ruffled his hair. “No problem, kid.”

—

“You being serious right now?” Kiye asked with wide, surprised eyes. Dazai gave her a small nod as he took another tray of freshly baked pastries out of the oven, setting it down on the surface of the counter next to the displays. 

“Yea I am. I wanna give this a try. And this time I feel like there might actually be a chance it won’t be as bad as the previous ones. So… Are you gonna sign my permission slip? Can I go..?” He asked, looking up at his aunt.

Kiye’s expression of shock morphed into one of fondness. “Of course I will. But are you really sure? Even after what happened last time?” Dazai took a deep breath and stared down at his bandaged wrists. 

Deep breaths, Osamu. You can be brave.

“Obviously I can’t guarantee that it won’t trigger my PTSD. But I want to try, at least. Also: I won't be alone this time. Chuuya’s there. And Shirase and Yuan. And Odasaku too.” Kiye visibly relaxed when Dazai mentioned them. “And you trust you’ll talk to them if stuff gets really bad?” She asked. Dazai nodded. “I will. I’m not letting history repeat itself. Especially not after what happened last time.”

Kiye sighed and leaned back against the counter. “Y’know… When you say it like that, I can never tell if I should be less or more concerned about you.” Dazai shrugged. “At least it means I won’t off myself anytime soon, doesn’t it?” To which she couldn’t do much but agree.

Thankfully, Kiye had the authority to sign his permission slip. Because Dazai frankly wouldn’t know how to convince his father to sign that thing anyway. He’d probably have to hypnotise him, which unfortunately wasn’t exactly in his skillset.

“Does Chuuya-kun know?” Kiye asked as she gave him her signature. Dazai shook his head. “That part, he doesn’t know. But I think I’m gonna make it my personal mission to try and tell him about it on this trip. He might be expecting it already but… I want him to hear it from me. Like you always tell me. Being in a relationship with someone works best if you’re open with that person. I’m working on that.”

His aunt chuckled softly. “You’re actually listening to my advice?” Dazai crossed his arms. “I mean- it’s been working so far! And Chuuya’s like- stupidly patient with me. No idea how he does it.”

Kiye handed him the paper back and smiled. “To me, it just sounds like he’s serious about you. He’s not dating you just for the sake of dating someone he finds kind of cool like a lot of teens do these days. I think he wants this to work out long-term. And he knows that, if he puts in the effort to really get to know you, including your issues, it’ll be worth it.”

Dazai felt warm inside. Because he felt that every time he was with his boyfriend. That, no matter how unrealistic it may seem for anyone to even consider genuinely liking Dazai, Chuuya was doing this because he wanted the two of them to work for an indefinite amount of time.

And Dazai, despite all of his fears, also kind of really wanted that.

He wanted to love Chuuya.

“And I’m gonna continue to do my best to let him know that his efforts are worth it.”

—

“I’m dead .” Chuuya groaned, climbing out of the pool the students were swimming in and flopping down onto the floor next to Dazai with all the grace of a baby seal dragging itself out of the water. Dazai snorted and looked down at his boyfriend. “That’s what happens when you swim like you’re trying to beat a world record, stupid. Why are you even exerting yourself this much?!”

Chuuya sighed and pushed himself up into a sitting position, feet dangling into the water. Dazai took a moment to just stare at the other teen appreciatively. The way his unruly hair was trying to fight itself free from the small ponytail it was stuck in. The way droplets were running down his arms, back and chest.

Chuuya really was too pretty for his own good.

“PE is like- the one subject I’m good at. I guess I’m just trying to prove to myself and the teachers that I’m not completely useless.” The redhead responded. Dazai sighed. He really was gonna make it his own personal mission for the next two and a half years to make Chuuya appreciate himself and his abilities more.

“I’m getting you a towel and you’re taking a break.” Dazai insisted. Chuuya rolled his eyes, an amused yet fond huff leaving him. “You sound like a worried wife, Mackerel.” Dazai shoved his notebook into Chuuya’s hands, crossed his arms and got up. “I am your worried wife, Chibi.” Chuuya hummed. “Call me Chibi one more time and I’ll throw you into the pool.” Dazai strolled over towards the towel holder. “You’d never.”

When he returned with Chuuya’s towel in his arms, the redhead had opened the notebook’s most recent page and was reading through it. Dazai didn’t mind. He meant to show it to Chuuya anyway.

“‘Potential places to hide in’?” He quoted one of the titles on the page as he exchanged the notebook for the towel. Dazai nodded and sat down once more. “Been looking at the terrain of the campsite we’ll be at and making a list of temporary safe spaces to go to when stuff gets too much. Amongst other things. My aunt suggested I make a sort of emergency list with things that can help me get through this class trip.”

Chuuya raised an eyebrow. “Where’s the ‘cuddles with my boyfriend’ section?” It was obviously a joke, though Dazai was a little embarrassed to admit that yea… That section did actually exist.

“...It’s on the previous page under the title ‘Stuff to do to calm down and feel better’.” Which apparently took Chuuya by surprise because he flushed bright red and blinked at him surprised. “Wait, actually?” He rubbed his cheeks with his hands. “Fuck you… Why do you gotta be so fucking cute..” He grumbled. Dazai laughed a little and wrapped the towel tighter around Chuuya to prevent it from falling off his shoulders. “No idea.”

After a while, Chuuya managed to calm down and he looked up again, watching as the PE teacher gave the students on the opposite side of the pool some tips on how to do better.

“So… That means you’re coming then?” He asked after a while. Dazai nodded and also looked at their classmates. “Mhm. Talked with some people about it and decided I would give this a try.” He responded.

“...Is there any particular reasons why you hate class trips?” Dazai remained quiet, tapping his fingers against the ground. “I mean- obviously you don’t gotta tell me right away but-”

“-I’ll tell you soon, alright?” Dazai interrupted him. Chuuya shut up and nodded. “Okay, got it.” 

Considerate as always…

“Does that mean we get to share a tent then?” Chuuya then asked, with some sort of sparkle in his eyes. Dazai scoffed and elbowed his side. “That desperate to sleep with me, hm?” He shot back. The other teen blushed. “Hey! Can’t a guy dream?” Dazai allowed a small laugh to escape his mouth. “Yea yea, we can share a tent if you want. No funny business tho! Wouldn’t want the teachers to separate us, right?”

And I’m definitely not ready for that.

Chuuya nodded and slumped against Dazai’s side in a way that looked just platonic enough for others to hopefully not get too suspicious. “Yea, I know. Don’t worry. I’d never do something you’re not comfortable with, Zai.”

‘We’ll go at your pace.’

“...Do I still get cuddles at night?” Dazai asked quietly, making Chuuya laugh out loud. “Of course ya do. Promise. ‘Ts what I’m looking forward to the most.”

Dazai felt warm and fuzzy inside once again.

It’s gonna be okay.

“Good. You better keep that promise.”

Chuuya pressed a small, secret, hidden kiss to the back of his head.

“I will. You can trust me.”

I’m gonna be okay.

I’m not alone anymore.

Chapter Text

“Another one… Another one… Another one… I’m starting to think that having you split into groups with this method wasn’t the best idea.” The teacher contemplated, placing paper slip after paper slip on her desk. “Someone sure is popular.”

They were currently figuring out who was going to share a tent and for some reason, their teacher thought it’d be a good idea to have everyone write the name of the person they’d like to be with on a piece of paper and match the pairs so as many people as possible were gonna be alright with each other. And obviously, because this was Chuuya, almost everyone had written down his name. And despite the fact that Dazai knew Chuuya had him written down in return, he still didn’t like all the attention on his boyfriend.

Ah yes, dating one of the most popular students in school.

The teacher went through a few more papers and then sighed. “Well… In that case, Nakahara-kun will decide for himself. So… Who would you li–”

“Dazai.” The teacher couldn’t even finish her sentence when Chuuya already blurted out his answer. “I’m staying with Dazai.” And Dazai could swear his heart had just attempted to jump out of his chest. With Chuuya being so determined, he didn’t even care all that much about what the other students were whispering about and he successfully blocked their voices from his mind.

—

“And you’re 100% positive you actually have everything you need with you?” Kiye asked for what was probably the tenth time that day. Dazai nodded, staring down at his suitcase. “I do. Looked through it for like- Five times last night and another two this morning, remember?” Kiye sighed. “Alright alright, I’m sorry. I just- …Feels difficult to let you go like this.”

Dazai managed to crack a small smile. “Don’t apologize, I know. But… We were gonna have to face it eventually anyway. At least there’s safe people around me, remember?” His aunt nodded and smiled down at him gently. “I know. And I trust them. Still…”

A pause.

Then, words.

“Come back home alive, alright?” Dazai’s demeanor softened. “Alright.”

I’ll try my best.

A few more exchanged words and a hug later, the two of them separated and Dazai made his way to the parking lot where their bus would start from. Already from a distance, he recognized his classmates. And while Chuuya wasn’t here quite yet, it was okay. Dazai had just gotten a text that he was on his way. And it looked like Shirase and Yuan were both there already as well. He felt nervous, sure. But also… Like maybe he could do this.

“Ah, weirdo did actually show up! I’m impressed.” Someone, Dazai wasn’t sure who, from his class, commented as he walked up to the group. “I’m surprised you didn’t bring an extra suitcase just for the bandages!” 

There they went again. From the edge of his vision, Dazai saw Shirase and Yuan walk in his direction. But somehow, he himself managed to open his mouth for once. …He wasn’t sure how he was doing that, but he did.

“Y’know, don’t you have anything else to annoy me over? Isn’t the bandages tactic getting old?” He asked, looking directly at the guy who’d spoken. Said guy, in return, shut his mouth and sent him an irritated glare. “What’re you–”, “-Or is it that you lack the necessary brain cells and creativity to come up with anything else. I wouldn’t be surprised! You do seem like the type of person who’s so stupid he has to make others feel stupid to feel better about himself.”

Then Dazai turned to Shirase and Yuan and waved, leaving his classmate to try and defend himself while he was already blurring out his voice. The two others were looking at him, surprised.

“What was that?!” Shirase asked, in mild disbelief. “Are you actually..-” Dazai shrugged. “...I wasn’t frozen in place at the comment for once so I just kind of said the first thing I could come up with. …Was that okay?” 

…To which both Shirase and Yuan started laughing. Dazai wasn’t sure what to make of this reaction, just crossing his arms. “Was that wrong, then?” He asked. Yuan managed to catch herself a little and quickly shook her head, grinning. “Nah! You did well! Never thought that out of everyone who’s suffering from Kota’s bullying, you’d be the one to stand up against him! Sigh… I feel so proud.”

Kota , hm?

Dazai was just now realizing that, for all the hell they’ve been putting him through, he never really paid attention to who exactly the worst of them were. All their comments, all their actions, all of them were merged together in his head as a big, dark blob of ‘I wish they would all disappear forever’.

Hm. Maybe he should pay more attention to these people. Figure out who did what and how to counter them.

…When had that idea even first started appearing in his head? To counter them? An idea that actually sounded kind of reasonable? Maybe. He could try at least.

His thoughts were interrupted when someone literally jumped on his back, nearly making him fall over and suppress a startled squeak.

“Class trip time!” A voice almost yelled right into his ear. Dazai’s entire body relaxed as he recognized the voice and the arms around his chest. Stupid Chibi… Scaring him half to death. Here he was. Finally arriving at the parking lot.

“Hello to you too, Chuuya.” Dazai huffed, turning his head to the side slightly. Chuuya looked energetic, a smirk on his face, eyes twinkling as he pressed his cheek against Dazai’s shoulder. “Not even gonna warn me before jumping me?” Chuuya shrugged. “Well where’s the fun in that!” Still, in order to not look too suspicious, he did let go of Dazai and stepped a little backwards, looking up at him. “Ready?” Dazai nodded. “Ready as I can be, I guess.”

Suddenly, a backpack was dropped into Chuuya’s arms from above him and both tees looked up surprised. There, towering over his brother as always, stood Verlaine. “Chuuya, I know you’re super excited, but that doesn’t mean you should just forget your backpack in the car y’know?” The blond said, ruffling Chuuya’s hair who sent him a glare, rubbing his head. “Hey! I told you I was gonna come back after saying hi to DazaI!” Verlaine crossed his arms. “Knowing you, you would’ve forgotten about us and it as soon as you get to him!”

Dazai watched the interactions, amused. Watching Chuuya and his brother was always nice. Sometimes it made Dazai wish he had a sibling as well.

“You.” Verlaine said, suddenly looking right at him. Dazai’s eyes widened. “Yessir!” He responded. Verlaine shook his head. “Don’t ‘yessir’ me! I’m not a policeman trying to arrest you. I was just gonna tell you to watch over my little brother and make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid, got it?” He asked. Dazai nodded. “He’s safe with me.” To which Verlaine smiled. “Alright. I trust you. And I trust you know that he can be a handful. So don’t hesitate to call me if anything happens. I’m always available.”

The ‘even if it’s not about Chuuya’ remained unspoken, but there.

Verlaine’s posture relaxed and he squeezed Chuuya in a quick half-hug. “Have fun alright? But not too much fun if you know what I mean!” Chuuya visibly flushed. “Fuck off and go back to Arthur. I’m sure he’s waiting already!” Verlaine just laughed and waved at them before turning around and walking back towards the car parked nearby.

Chuuya rubbed his cheeks and looked away. “Sorry about that. He’s just..-”, “-being an idiot. Right? That’S what you were thinking?” Chuuya looked at him and nodded, a small smile on his face. “You have read my mind. You sure we’re not secretly in one of those soulmate AUs?” Dazai shrugged. “Who knows!”

About half an hour later, all the students were present. And after a short conversation with Odasaku about his meds, It was already time for them to leave. Them, their class, Odasaku, and their homeroom teacher Okayashi-sensei. …Well, at least one of their teachers was nice. That had to be enough.

Dazai and Chuuya picked a two-seater spot in the back of the bus with Shirase and Yuan in the same row on the other side of the pathway between seats. Right in front of them: Kota and Ataki. One of the former’s friends (loyal followers). …Which was unfortunate. But Dazai had his headphones and Chuuya and that would have to be enough. The drive was just a few hours. He could handle that. …Probably.

Turns out that stressing about a class trip for three days straight and barely sleeping more than an hour a night wasn’t optimal. And unfortunately for his sleep schedule (which he didn’t have anyway), that meant he was overtaken by tiredness a mere few minutes after the bus started moving. And, taking this as an opportunity to escape reality for a while, he pulled his hood over his head to hide from the world and closed his eyes.

And as he dozed off into a weirdly peaceful state between sleeping and being awake, he felt Chuuya’s hand on his head, bringing him closer to make him rest on his shoulder. Dazai didn’t stop him.

He didn’t know how much time had passed, but he was snapped out of his sort-of-sleeping-but-also-not-actually-sleeping-but-also-unaware-of-his-surroundings state when he heard voices.

“Why are you not pushing him away?”

“Because he’s sleeping, if you can’t tell?”
“Yea but- He can sleep leaning back against his seat!”

“If he does that, his neck is gonna hurt once he wakes up.”

“And why would you care? He’s Dazai! No one cares about him!”

“I do.”

“What happened to you, Nakahara? You and your friends, actually. You’re some of the coolest people in this school and you hang out with that ?!”

“‘That’ is not a fucking it, Kota. He’s our friend. And we think he’s cool.”

“Okayokayokay, geez, calm down!”

“If you keep trying to tell me who I can and can’t be friends with, I won’t!”

Don’t fight, please..

It’s not worth getting into an actual fight over.

Dazai discreetly hooked his foot around Chuuya’s and Chuuya tensed, before relaxing and returning the gesture.

“You know what, fighting with you about it won’t change shit so I won’t. You don’t gotta associate with us if you’re unhappy with our choice in friends. You can kindly fuck off.”

Which ended the discussion right then and there. Because even the bully didn’t wanna risk fighting Chuuya of all people. Dazai carefully squeezed Chuuya’s thigh and discreetly cuddled closer, making the other teen soften.

“Alright Zai. No fighting right now then.” Chuuya whispered, almost inaudible.

—

Upon arriving at the campsite, they were only given a short introduction to what they’d be doing throughout these five days before the duos were given their tents and places to put them up in. That was pretty much all of the fix program that day. Well, in the evening they’d roast marshmallows after dinner. But it was also more of a free time activity than something meant to teach them about stuff.

Turns out, Chuuya could almost be considered a professional at putting up tents. Because he took the thing and didn’t even look at the instructions manual before starting to put it up. Though it was easily explained when he told him that he often went on camping/adventure trips with his brother.

Five minutes was all it took and their tent was ready to be moved into. Dazai was impressed.

“You sure are good.” Dazai admitted, hauling his suitcase inside. Chuuya proudly crossed his arms. “You bet I am! …Do I get a reward for my hard work?” Dazai scoffed, amused, but he still tugged Chuuya down and gave him a small kiss on the cheek which seemed to be enough to make his boyfriend happy for now.

Soon enough, they were done with the tent and went out once more, deciding to go check what the campsite had to offer. Admittedly, it wasn’t much. Because the school probably didn’t have the money to have them stay at some 5-star resort. But the place did have a lake. And it was kind of pretty. Wide and open, with clear water and a beach made up from rocks and gravel. 

Dazai watched as Chuuya immediately slipped off his shoes and stepped into the water. The redhead turned around and smirked at him. “Come on in! We’re not going deep, don’t worry!” Dazai looked down at the ground for a moment. He could, and considering this wasn’t salt water it probably wouldn’t hurt but…

Hands grabbed his own and he looked up, directly at Chuuya once more. Chuuya, who was giving his hands a reassuring squeeze. “Don’t worry. I’m gonna pay extra close attention to your bandages and make sure that they don’t slip off. You can trust me.” Dazai took a deep breath and nodded. “Alright then.”

Once his shoes were off and Chuuya was tugging him into the water, everything became gradually easier. And if Dazai was being honest… The water actually felt good , cooling his skin through the bandages on his legs. The slight, annoying itch that was kind of always there lessened significantly.

The ground felt unsafe under his feet, as stones were either digging into his skin or slipping away from under his steps. …But Chuuya’s hold felt safe and kept him steady. And while they didn’t go in further than their knees, Dazai found himself wishing he could.

Not here though. There were too many people around. Too much of a risk of too many eyes on him. However…

“Chuuya? You said we could.. Theoretically sneak out at night?” Chuuya tilted his head. “Yea we can, if we’re careful enough and no one notices.” Dazai took a deep breath. “Then… I’d like to try something while we’re here, alright?” Chuuya nodded. “When?”

Soon. Before you get too scared to go through with it.

“Tonight? After everyone’s gone to sleep, obviously.” Chuuya nodded again. “Alright, got it. Tonight then! Anything we need beforehand?” Dazai tightened his hold on Chuuya’s hand. “Just.. Clothes that are allowed to get wet.”

—

1 AM was when they finally deemed it safe enough to leave the tent. Everyone was asleep and the two of them made their way across the campsite, down to the water, soon finding a secluded spot that had already been deserted during the day, but was even more empty now.

“So… To get things straight: You wanna go swim?” Chuuya asked. Dazai nodded and slipped off his shoes. “Mhm. But I don’t wanna do it near other people. Even just you is almost too much. That’s why we’re here at night.” Chuuya tilted his head. “If you don’t want anyone to see you then why’d you take me with you in the first place?” 

Dazai was quiet for a moment. “...Because reasons. That good?” Chuuya nodded. “Alright.”

Dazai felt and probably looked like a ghost when he took off his hoodie. Pale, with the additional white coming from the bandages. Bandages that covered his entire body, neck to ankles. Leaving not a single bit of open skin other than his hands. Feet and head. Even Chuuya, despite being semi-aware, still looked like he was in disbelief.

“You get why I’m not too keen on going swimming where people can see me?” Dazai asked. Chuuya slowly nodded. Dazai continued. “Considering how they already reacted when I’m walking around with a short-sleeved school uniform, I don’t even wanna know what it’d be like if they saw this. So… No swimming in public it is. No swimming in PE class either. But considering I never participate anyway, it doesn’t make a difference.” 

He took a deep breath and walked towards the water. “But here it’s dark. And just us. And no salt water, which means it doesn’t hurt. So…” He sent Chuuya a hopeful glance. “Come in here with me?” Chuuya immediately scrambled to get his clothes off until he remained in swimming shorts. “You don’t gotta ask twice.”

The water was cold at night. But not cold enough to be uncomfortable. And after Chuuya stuck himself to Dazai’s side, the two of them went in.

Deeper and deeper.

Step by step.

Until Dazai was losing his foothold.

He could swim, of course. But in the past, on some difficult days, he found himself wishing he couldn’t.

Not today though. Today was alright.

…And today, Chuuya was with him .

He didn’t want to go under. Like this, right now, he wanted his head to stay above water. And it did.

“You can actually swim, hm?” Chuuya asked, moving around him in circles. “Another thing the assholes wouldn’t expect from you. Hah! They don’t know you at all!” Dazai scoffed. “You’re still mad at them, hm?” Chuuya nodded and floated next to him on his back. “I might’ve actually punched Kota if you didn’t intervene.”

Dazai chuckled and allowed himself to float next to Chuuya as well. “Don’t, please. Wouldn’t want you getting in trouble because of some stupid dude who can go die in a hole for all I care. You getting in trouble would be the perfect outcome for him as the poor , innocent , victim. So… Better we don’t let him have that. Don’t wanna give him any more wins in his life than he’s got already.”

It was quiet for a moment, before Chuuya spoke up.

“Do you hate him?”

“...Honestly. Yea, Yea I do. Him, his friends, everyone else. All of them.”

“Good. Means that, despite everything, you haven’t given up yet.”

The two of them went quiet again. Until the redhead went on.

“So… The bandages. Are there-”

“Not everywhere, but there’s so many that it’s easier to cover everything than trying to just cover specific areas.”

“Jesus Christ, Zai. You need help.”

“I know.”

The two of them stopped floating and returned to normal swimming positions. Chuuya guided them a little closer to the shore, until they could stand again. And Chuuya just..- Looked at Dazai for a moment before grabbing his hand underwater. And…

“One of the bandages is loose.” Chuuya whispered quietly, catching the end of said bandage, one of the ones around Dazai’s forearms.

It was dark. And they were alone. And the only light out here came from the moon. …Though it would still be enough light to–

“...Put it back then.” Dazai found himself speaking quietly. Chuuya’s eyes widened. “Are you saying..-”

Don’t be scared.

Trust him.

He’s felt them before.

Dazai lifted his bare arm out of the water while Chuuya was still holding it.

It’ll be okay.

Chuuya looked down at his arm, taking in every single scar he could see, gently brushing over them with a thumb. “...Never really seen stuff like this up close before.”  He mumbled. Dazai shrugged and let him. “It’s not really that special-looking. Just like a scar left behind by accidentally cutting yourself on a class shard. Only difference: There’s a lot of them. And they weren’t accidents.”

Chuuya pulled him into a tight hug which Dazai easily melted into, raising his hands to rest on Chuuya’s back.

“...I feel like I just reached some kind of milestone.” Chuuya mumbled. Dazai tightened his hold onto him with a small huff of laughter. “What is this, a video game?” Chuuya shook his head against his shoulder. “No.. Just-” 

He pulled back a little, one hand resting on Dazai’s cheek, blue eyes locking with brown.

“Thank you for trusting me, Zai. You’re safe with me.”

I know I am.

For a moment, the two of them just looked at each other. It was them, the water, the gentle sound of wind brushing through trees and reeds, the sounds of nocturnal insects… Everything surrounded by the safe cover of the night.

Chuuya’s touch was warm.

“I’m not gonna lie, Mackerel. I kind of want to k–”

“Yes.”

No further words were spoken as Chuuya kissed him.

And Dazai, melting into his boyfriend, easily closed his eyes and reciprocated.

Chapter Text

“The last time I went on a class trip was right before I disappeared for six months. And let’s just say… Ever since then most teachers who heard the story see me as a danger to their jobs. Funny how that’s what they’re worried about.”

The two of them had left the water and were now sitting on the beach, looking out at the way the moonlight was reflecting on the lake’s surface. And Dazai thought it might be time to tell Chuuya what he wanted him to know. They really were bonding tonight, hm?

Chuuya had his head tilted, looking at him, surprised. “A danger to their jobs? What in the world did you do on that class trip?”

Deep breaths. Chuuya’s smart, he probably knows already anyway.

“I tried to overdose on sleeping meds and kill myself.”

For a moment, it was utterly quiet. And Dazai worried he might’ve said something wrong. But then, his boyfriend, as he did so often, surprised him once more. …By not really reacting much at all. Like being told something like this was a regular occurrence. No surprise, no fear, no disgust… Nothing like that. He didn’t look at Dazai like he was a lost cause. And it made Dazai feel… Some way. And it wasn’t a bad way.

“...I’d say I’m surprised, but I’m really not. And.. I don’t feel like pretending I am. That okay?” …To which Dazai laughed .

A topic like this and he just.. Laughed. What was even happening to him? And Chuuya, too, started smiling, despite what they were talking about. It kind of felt nice.

“So, suicide, hm? Doesn’t seem like that worked out so well.” Dazai sighed and looked up at the sky. “It never does. Death hates me just as much as life does.” 

Chuuya moved closer and threw an arm around his shoulders and Dazai allowed himself to melt into the other teen’s side. “So… I’m taking it’s been multiple times?” He asked. Dazai shrugged. “Mhm. First time when I was ten.” Chuuya held him tighter. “Sure is a shitty world we live in if a ten year old tries to kill himself.” Dazai hummed and leaned his head on Chuuya’s shoulder. “Pretty sure I just have a shitty life.”

It was quiet again. But after a few moments, Chuuya suddenly moved himself onto Dazai’s lap and squished him in a tight hug that momentarily took his breath away. Though he quickly did hug back, holding him close. “What’s that for now?” He asked.

Chuuya sighed and kept his face hidden. “Just- I feel like I’m not responding to this information appropriately. But like- How the fuck am I supposed to react to that. I have no idea. Why doesn’t it like- bother me the way it’s supposed to? I feel like this isn’t.. Enough? Look- I don’t even know what I’m doing. Just-”, “You’re rambling, Chibi.” To which Chuuya immediately stopped. “...Fuck, I am.”

“Y’know, I don’t actually mind the way you’re reacting. It’s different than most so.. It kind of feels like a breath of fresh air. As surreal as that might sound. I don’t want tears, or pity. Or any of that stuff. This is just fine.” Chuuya nodded into his shoulder. “...Alright, then this is what you get. …Still feels weird tho, to have this feel normal.”

I have a feeling I know why you work like that, Chuu.

“Well, your brain just functions differently to other people. Nothing wrong with that! I’m fine with it.”

Chuuya sighed and pulled back. “Well… Then allow me another blunt question.” Dazai tilted his head with a small nod. Chuuya took a deep breath. “...Do you still have the intent to off yourself?” 

 ̷"̷S̷t̷u̷p̷i̷d̷,̷ ̷m̷i̷s̷b̷e̷h̷a̷v̷i̷n̷g̷ ̷c̷h̷i̷l̷d̷.̷ ̷A̷r̷e̷n̷'̷t̷ ̷y̷o̷u̷ ̷c̷a̷u̷s̷i̷n̷g̷ ̷m̷e̷ ̷e̷n̷o̷u̷g̷h̷ ̷i̷s̷s̷u̷e̷s̷ ̷a̷l̷r̷e̷a̷d̷y̷?̷!̷ ̷I̷ ̷r̷e̷a̷l̷l̷y̷ ̷d̷o̷n̷'̷t̷ ̷n̷e̷e̷d̷ ̷t̷h̷e̷ ̷p̷o̷l̷i̷c̷e̷ ̷b̷o̷t̷h̷e̷r̷i̷n̷g̷ ̷m̷e̷ ̷a̷b̷o̷u̷t̷ ̷m̷y̷ ̷s̷o̷n̷'̷s̷ ̷a̷t̷t̷e̷n̷t̷i̷o̷n̷-̷s̷e̷e̷k̷i̷n̷g̷ ̷m̷e̷t̷h̷o̷d̷s̷.̷"̷

Dazai slowly shook his head. “...No. Not anymore.”

 ̷"̷S̷t̷i̷l̷l̷ ̷n̷o̷t̷ ̷l̷i̷s̷t̷e̷n̷i̷n̷g̷?̷ ̷W̷e̷l̷l̷ ̷t̷h̷e̷n̷.̷ ̷A̷l̷l̷o̷w̷ ̷m̷e̷ ̷t̷o̷ ̷t̷e̷a̷c̷h̷ ̷y̷o̷u̷ ̷t̷o̷ ̷n̷o̷t̷ ̷d̷i̷s̷o̷b̷e̷y̷ ̷m̷e̷ ̷l̷i̷k̷e̷ ̷t̷h̷i̷s̷.̷"̷

Chuuya looked at him, contemplative. “What’s stopping you?”

 ̷"̷Y̷o̷u̷'̷r̷e̷ ̷s̷u̷c̷h̷ ̷a̷n̷ ̷i̷n̷c̷o̷n̷v̷e̷n̷i̷e̷n̷c̷e̷,̷ ̷S̷h̷u̷u̷j̷i̷.̷ ̷I̷ ̷w̷i̷s̷h̷ ̷y̷o̷u̷ ̷w̷e̷r̷e̷ ̷n̷e̷v̷e̷r̷ ̷b̷o̷r̷n̷.̷ ̷B̷u̷t̷ ̷n̷o̷w̷ ̷y̷o̷u̷'̷r̷e̷ ̷h̷e̷r̷e̷.̷ ̷A̷n̷d̷ ̷y̷o̷u̷ ̷d̷o̷n̷'̷t̷ ̷g̷e̷t̷ ̷t̷o̷ ̷l̷e̷a̷v̷e̷ ̷w̷i̷t̷h̷o̷u̷t̷ ̷m̷y̷ ̷p̷e̷r̷m̷i̷s̷s̷i̷o̷n̷.̷"̷

Dazai’s hold around Chuuya tightened unconsciously.

 ̷"̷A̷n̷d̷ ̷i̷f̷ ̷y̷o̷u̷ ̷t̷r̷y̷,̷ ̷y̷o̷u̷'̷l̷l̷ ̷p̷a̷y̷ ̷t̷h̷e̷ ̷p̷r̷i̷c̷e̷.̷ ̷J̷u̷s̷t̷.̷ ̷L̷i̷k̷e̷.̷ ̷T̷h̷i̷s̷.̷"̷

“...Because I’m too scared.”

—

The following morning, both of them were basically dead on their feet. Not that that was anything new to Dazai. Though he supposed this was their punishment for staying outside until half past four AM and then spending another 45 minutes awake and cuddling in their tent.

…Now it was eight AM and they were running on two and a half hours of sleep.

“Jesus Christ, you two. You look like zombies!” Shirase wheezed out as soon as they met up with him and Yuan for breakfast. Next to Dazai, Chuuya groaned, rubbing his eyes. Dazai sneakily settled his arm around his boyfriend to make sure he wouldn’t fall over. “Thanks, I’m used to it!”

Yuan snickered as she walked ahead. “What did you even do last night?! Wait… Don’t tell me you–”, “NOPE. Nope nope nope nope nope. Get your mind out of the gutter! That’s not what we were doing!” Chuuya immediately cut her off, suddenly seeming much more awake. Yuan snickered. “Alright alright, I get it, no need to yell! I was just curious!”

The group arrived at their breakfast area, made up of some picnic benches and tables on the meadow near the main beach. About half of their classmates were there already. Though most of them also looked like they were still half-asleep. Great. That way they wouldn’t seem too out of place. With a sense of mild amusement, Dazai realized that Kota and his group were so sleepy, they didn’t even seem to notice him as he walked past their table to go claim another free one while his friends were getting breakfast.

“Not hungry?” Shirase asked, returning to the table. Dazai shook his head. “Nah. Not really. You know I don’t usually eat too much.” He responded. “Unless Chuuya makes you something! Then you always try it.” Yuan said, returning to the table as well. Dazai huffed. “Come on guys. I’m not that much of a Chuuya simp, right?” Yuan gave him a deadpan look. “You’d literally eat anything he puts in your mouth.”

That’s because he knows what I can and can’t eat.

“Shut up.” Dazai mumbled, looking over in the direction of the food area. …And of course Chuuya had an additional food bowl with him. Stupidly caring as always, doing such mean things like trying to help him work on creating healthier eating habits. How dare he.

Soon enough, Chuuya returned as well, setting his plate down first, followed by a bowl for Dazai. Oatmeal with some different types of berries and a bit of honey on top. Dazai cracked a small smile as he noticed that the berries were forming a wonky-looking heart and he elbowed Chuuya’s side to which the other teen responded with a pout, cheeks a little red. What a romantic.

“...So, what did you two do tonight while being up so late?” Yuan asked, starting to eat. Chuuya swallowed a bite of his toast and shrugged. “Bonding. Talked about feelings and tragic backstories and stuff. We just lost track of time a little.”

Dazai nodded along and then smirked. “We also kissed!” …Which immediately achieved his goal of making Chuuya go beet red, burying his face on the table next to his plate. Shirase and Yuan both burst out laughing. “Congrats on breaking him! Haven’t seen him this red since he told us you agreed to dating him!”

Chuuya lifted his head and sent them a glare. “Shut the fuck up and stop embarrassing me further you two!” He complained. Dazai watched the scene, amused. Then he petted Chuuya’s head. “Aw~ Don’t worry! I think it’s cute!” …Chuuya went even redder if that was possible. “You too! Shut up!”

A flustered Chibi was an adorable Chibi.

—

Considering this was a class trip, of course there’d be stuff other than just sitting around at the campsite. …And today that other stuff was a visit to a nearby city that was known for its traditional Japanese architecture. Every building here was made in that style. Old, new, it was all part of the city’s image. A stark difference from Yokohama with its many skyscrapers, office buildings and modern houses. 

Sure, Yokohama was pretty in places as well, but this was just different. It looked like it came straight out of an anime set in a time long passed. And personally, Dazai found this place pretty. Though it seemed like a lot of their classmates were a little bored. …Especially a certain group of bullies. Though Dazai had vowed to not let them mess up his day this time. He just took it as an opportunity to continue studying who was doing what, exactly. And he was making progress.

Kota was their leader. That much was obvious. He was popular, but not in the way Chuuya and his friends were. They were popular for being cool. This guy was popular for being an asshole. …Which was precisely why he had so many followers (almost the entire class).

See, Dazai wasn’t stupid. Humans usually like being part of a bigger group. Most of them cherished social connections. Some deeper, some not as much. And some really, really , care what others think about them. Later in life, as you grow up, it’s easier to find your group. College students with similar majors, people working in similar fields and therefore similar interests. It’s different from school.

In school, you don’t get to pick who’s around you. You just get thrown into a school and a class who are often vastly different and have to make do with what’s available. There’s not too much time to really find many other people outside of your class, because your class is who you will be spending most of your time with, whether you like it or not. And because people like being around other people, they want to be liked by those around them. Otherwise they’ll end up alone and excluded. 

Just like Dazai.

And if you’re unlucky, or even slightly different from the norm, or simply not willing to blindly follow after the group, then it’s easy to become the perfect target. And if you’re those three things combined, then you will suffer. Punished for wanting to be your own person. Teenagers are especially vicious in this regard. Because they think they need to prove themselves. To friends and followers and classmates, and to themselves, trying to raise their own self-esteem by destroying others’. And some of them will do whatever it takes to gain the approval of the group. The fact that bullying and messing with others for some god awful reason counts as ‘cool’ didn’t exactly help.

The loudest and meanest kids are often those who are followed by most. Because even if a follower isn’t inherently mean to others or doesn’t approve of the mean actions, a lot of them are afraid that, if they don’t join the leader, they’ll end up as the target in the end.

…Kota was a mean leader. And half of his followers seemed like just the type of person to follow him in order to escape him. …Though there were a select few who were just, putting it bluntly: assholes.

Kota’s best friend Ataki, for example. Standing fully behind him at all times. Then there was also Kota’s (somehow) girlfriend, Lee, who treated him like he was some otherworldly god to be worshipped. Then there was Nari, a guy who often fought with Kota. …Though there were many instances where they also teamed up if both of them chose the same victim (Dazai would know.). …And Nari’s on-off girlfriend Asami, who was the most pretentious, annoying pick-me-girl in the world.

Those were the main group. The rest of them, loyal followers.

“...You look like you want to murder someone.” A familiar voice spoke right next to his ear. Dazai snapped out of his thoughts and turned to look at Chuuya, realizing he zoned out for god-knows-how-long.

“I’m planning the downfall of Kota’s empire.” He said quietly. Chuuya raised an eyebrow and smirked, an evil expression appearing on his face. “Oh? Pray tell, how do you plan on doing that?” 

Dazai let his eyes wander from classmate to classmate, briefly stopping on the group. “Haven’t figured out a plan yet. For now I’ll just observe them and see what could hurt them. Chuuya hummed and nudged his side. “The mackerel standing up for himself? Never thought that day would come.”

Dazai elbowed him right back, sending him a mild glare. “Well, I'm hanging out with the cool kids now so… Gotta become cool myself. Plus…” He looked over at the group again, then back at Chuuya. “...I think I’ve been quiet for too long. And now that I’ve got support, maybe it’s worth a try.”

Chuuya smiled and crossed his arms. “I’ve got your back. And so do Shirase and Yuan. So… Go on and fight them. Someone’s gotta teach these assholes a lesson. And who’d be a better fit than the person they consider weak? Go ahead. Show them that you’re no longer letting them get away with this.”

Chuuya’s words of encouragement felt like they lit something in his heart, And Dazai felt like he could do this .

“I will!”

Both of them turned their attention back to Odasaku who was telling them something about the building they were standing in front of right now. Apparently, this was the house of one of the oldest, most famous families in all of Japan. The building sure looked the part. 

“Why do we have to listen to this boring ass lecture again? I could fall asleep to this! That’s how not interesting this story is.” Kota complained from a few feet away. And Dazai, feeling strengthened by the conversation with his boyfriend, crossed his arms and looked over at the guy. 

“You sure it isn’t just your attention span’s fault? Must be hard, considering how tired you look. What, did you spend the entire night homesick, crying for your mom?” Dazai asked. ANd he could swear he heard some voices laughing that didn’t belong to Chuuya or their friends. Kota immediately fixed him in place with a death glare. Dazai didn’t flinch one bit.

“Now listen here weirdo! I’ll have you know that I was up last night because I was with Lee!” The girl immediately clung to his side and nodded eagerly. “Yea! And we were doing stuff that has nothing to do with homesickness! Leave my boyfriend alone!” Kota crossed his arms and stood up straight. “She’s right! We were doing adult stuff that you couldn’t even imagine!”

As they were defending themselves, Dazai merely watched. Not paying much attention to them, but rather to what was about to hit the two.

“Care to elaborate, you two?” The voice of Okayashi-sensei, standing right behind the couple. Watching the color drain from their faces… Dazai really felt like laughing at them. And so he did. And this time, almost the entire class joined in.

Laughing not at him, but with him.

“Uhm- We weren’t- We didn’t- I mean- Fuck you, weirdo! This is your fault!” Kota yelled. Their teacher’s expression turned even more sour. “Language! You two! Kota and Lee. With me. Now.” …And off they went as the rest of the class turned to watch them, amusement written all over their faces. 

…When Dazai turned to look back at Chuuya, he didn’t even get a single word in, because Chuuya had grabbed him by the hand, dragging him along around a corner while no one was watching. And in the next second, he was kissing him.

Dazai was completely caught off-guard at first. But a mere moment later, he was kissing back, pulling Chuuya closer by the back of his head. He sure was getting used to this (And he wasn’t complaining). Still, breathing was unfortunately required for the human body, and so they had to pull back sooner than Dazai wanted to. Though they did remain close, even afterwards.

“...What was that for?” Dazai asked with a smile on his face. Chuuya blushed and hid his face in Dazai’s chest. “That was for being cool, idiot..” He grumbled. And well, he’d definitely do this more often if it meant kisses from Chuuya.

“Y’know what, Chibi… I’m starting to like this.” Chuuya blushed and glared up at him. “Shut uppp! And don’t call me that!” Though both of them knew Dazai wouldn’t.

Dazai dropped his head on top of Chuuya’s and sighed. “As much as I’d like to stay like this… We should probably get back soon. Otherwise we’ll be the next ones to get scolded. Chuuya nodded against him. “Yea… You’re probably right.

And so they did return to their class who were still busy witnessing what was going on with Kota, his girlfriend and their teacher. Though that soon came to an end too and the two walked back to the others, though not before giving Dazai another death glare.

‘You’re SO dead.’

…Dazai couldn’t find himself caring too much.

If this means war, I’m gonna win.

Chapter Text

“Can I join your group?”

“Nah, get lost weirdo.”

“...Can I join your group..?”

“Sorry man, we’re full already

“Is anyone missing another group member?”

One of the groups begrudgingly lifted their hands. Though they looked like they'd rather do anything else, actually. Alas, it’s not like Dazai had much of a choice here. Neither did they. Because the teacher’s word was the law and they had to abide by it when she said that they needed to take him into their group. As always.

It was just a scavenger hunt. A scavenger hunt around the school, that is. Just two hours and they didn’t even have to talk to him. So why were they still this upset by his presence in their group anyway?! It wasn’t like he was trying to be any form of obstacle for them anyway! He’d never hurt them. Not once. And yet…

“And remember kids, this is a group exercise and will be graded. If you slack off or decide that you’ll use the time to laze around, not only your, but also other peoples’ grades will suffer from it! The clock is ticking!”

Dazai got up from his desk and walked to his group. “Where are we going first?” He asked. He didn’t receive a response. They just continued chatting amongst themselves like he wasn’t there. And so he just shut his mouth and followed as they got up and left the classroom. …Just to see that they didn’t exactly do anything scavenger hunt related. They just sat down in a secluded part of the school’s courtyard and started playing some multiplayer mobile game.

“I don’t think this is part of the task.” Dazai tried after a few minutes of just sort of existing there, wondering if they were gonna do anything. One of the guys turned his head and scoffed. “As if we’re gonna do some stupid kindergarten task! We’ve got much better things to do!” 

Dazai looked down at the ground. “...But it’s gonna be graded?” …To which the entire rest of the group burst out laughing. “Seriously?! You actually care about the grade? Geez, you’re so boring! Another reason why no one wants to hang out with you!”

…What’s that got to do with anything?

Dazai tried to raise his voice again, but the words became stuck in his throat when he realized that they weren’t listening anymore and probably wouldn’t start listening if he did grab their attention somehow.

He sighed and looked down at the sheet of paper, detailing their exercise. Looking at it as a one person task, it was completely overwhelming. Of course it was. It was meant for a group of five. …And here they were. Four out of five people who didn’t give a damn about the task at hand and use their school time as free time instead.

…But if Dazai brought a bad grade back home, there’d be consequences. His father surely wouldn’t be happy. And he was almost sure he wouldn’t take ‘my classmates didn’t feel like doing the assignment’ as a valid excuse. Not like anything was a valid excuse in his eyes.

Dazai didn’t look back as he decided that, despite the unnaturally high workload, he’d have to do this. On his own, if necessary. He didn’t have a choice. Sure, he could go tell a teacher but… Knowing his classmates, it would end up with him shoved into a locker for being a snitch. He didn’t want a repeat of such a scene. Last time it happened, no one noticed and he was stuck in that locker for the entire night. And when he’d gotten home the following day, his father beat him up for not coming home the day before.

Two hours. Too many tasks.

Get a grip, Osamu. You need to do this.

…And so he did.

When he finished all the tasks, he was stressed, exhausted, dizzy, and his head hurt from running up and down through the school building at least 50 times. …But at least he was done. He didn’t speak to his ‘group’, just handed in the assignment to the teacher.

…Who in turn praised his group for doing such a good job. And at that point, Dazai was too tired and out of it to mention that he’d done everything on his own.

A few days later, during the next group assignment, the same students actually came up to him and asked him if he wanted to be part of their group.

“Are you gonna spend all your time playing mobile games again?” 

He asked then.

The students remained silent.

“...Then no thank you.” Dazai answered to their non-response and turned over. He’d rather do everything on his own for himself than let the others get the credit for his work.

From then on he refused to work on group assignments with others unless absolutely necessary.

Until a few years later when..-

“Hey, uhm. Dazai, was it?” Dazai jumped at someone actually saying his name, talking to him directly. In front of his desk: One of his classmates. Bright red hair, pretty blue eyes, freckles…

“I wanted to ask if you wanna do the group project together with me? You don’t have to, obviously. But–”

“Yes.”

Dazai didn’t even know why he responded so quickly. But there was something about this guy that just… Pulled him in. Strange, to say the least. That never happened.

The boy blinked at him, surprised for a few moments, then nodded quickly. “Alrighty, imma go get my stuff and come sit with you, that okay?” Dazai nodded and watched as he retrieved his pencil case before he came back. Moment of truth…

“Alright so, I do that, and you do that? And then we do that one together with what we’ve gathered from our separate parts?”

…He wasn’t gonna have Dazai do all the work..?

“Okay.”

The other boy smiled. “Great! …I’m Chuuya, by the way. Chuuya Nakahara.” 

Nakahara, hm. Dazai knew that name.

Just like him, he had to repeat a year. Most likely for different reasons though.

“Osamu Dazai.”

Chuuya nodded. “I know!”

Both of them got a 100% on their project.

And suddenly, Dazai occasionally had a certain redhead come up to him and work with him on group projects. All while not making him do all the work.

—

“A group scavenger hunt?” The entire class exclaimed at once. Odasaku chuckled and nodded. “Yes. A group scavenger hunt. Fear not though. It’s not gonna be graded. It’s just meant to be a fun little project to get more in touch with our current environment. And the winning group will get a prize.

The entire class erupted in excited chatter and started asking questions of which most of them were about what kind of prize there would be. Though knowing school contests, Dazai knew it was most likely something like sweets or snacks. Odasaku kept quiet though, which was probably best since it was gonna keep everyone excited and motivated. And soon enough, everyone was splitting into smaller groups. Dazai didn’t even have to ask the others if they’d have him. Because before he could say a word, Yuan had already grabbed him by the arm and tugged him along towards the other two. “You’re coming with us Dazai! No backing out. We’re gonna destroy Kota’s crew!”

Huh.

Get this, 11 year old self.

…One day there are gonna be people who want you to be part of their group.

“Alright, lock in team!” Shirase said, slamming down the sheet of paper they had gotten. “Our area is the small forest near the lake!”

For the sake of variety, Odasaku had prepared different areas for each team so the teams couldn’t intercept or steal from each other. Not a race for who’s the quickest to reach the same goal, no. But a challenge for which team was the best at working within the circumstances they were given.

…Dazai was actually kind of looking forward to this.

“So there’s stuff that we’re supposed to find and stuff that will give us additional points if we find it, but isn’t necessary to achieve the main objective, right?” Chuuya asked. Dazai nodded. That’s how he understood it, at least. Some things looked really easy. Like finding a pinecone, or a purple flower. But there were also more difficult objectives that almost sounded like riddles. Still, it was interesting enough, so they’d figure it out.

“I say we first go around the area we’re supposed to look through, just to check what we’re working with. If we already find stuff from our list, that’s good. As for the rest, we’ll look at it after we’ve gotten a basic understanding of the area and see if we know a place where we can find it. Shirase, you check that quadrant. Yuan, you take that one. Zai, you go look over there and I’ll take the last one.”

“Yessir.” Shirase said, saluting Chuuya who snickered. “Sorry, just-” Yuan nodded along. “Yea yea, the leader persona… I know. We’ll follow your every command. No idea if your boyfriend will, too tho.” Dazai shook his head, amused. “I’ll follow your every command as well, Chibi.”

They split up, each going to their own area. It wasn’t a ginormous area, but it was forest so… There was a lot. Generally speaking, you only really realize just how many things are going on in the world around you when you really look for them. Such as how a speck of green on the ground, seemingly only consisting of grass, actually consisted of like- 10 or more different plants and even more tiny creatures. The world was fascinating.

Dazai was just about to take a closer look at a few mushrooms growing on an old tree stump when–

“Well well well. Would you look at that. What, did your group abandon you?” Ah. The asshole was here. Dazai sighed and got up, turning around to fix Kota in place with a glare. “You want something from me?” He asked. Kota looked angry. An expression Dazai has been seeing quite often lately.

“You know exactly what I want, Dazai.” Dazai raised an eyebrow. “Calling me by name now? My my. Looks like your brain may finally be improving.” Kota looked taken aback for a moment, and it was a little satisfying to see that he wasn’t used to Dazai’s newly developing attitude.

“What the fuck happened to the weird bandaged kid in this class that never speaks up for himself? Where’d that guy go? Just because you hang out with Nakahara and his group now doesn’t change the fact that you’re still a loser. Won’t you drop that fake confidence already? It’s only a matter of time until they abandon you anyway.

See, normally those words would sting. They’d cut him deep, make him doubt everything, and hurt him. But…

But things are going well right now. His boyfriend, his friends, they were real. And they were on his side. And for the first time in his life, Dazai felt like he actually meant something to someone who wasn’t (basically) part of his family. Like there were people who cared . People who wanted to include him. People who had his back.

And he wasn’t gonna let a few words from a person he couldn’t give less of a shit about ruin that for him. Sure, his life was still shitty and all. But good things were starting to happen and those were the things he’d hold onto.

Kiye always told him that everything was gonna get better one day. Had been telling him since he was a little child, stuck in a world that was cruel to him. And so had his mother, back before her mental state went completely south.

“Shuuji.”

She’d say, holding his small, five year old self close.

“I know things are looking bad right now. But keep fighting. And one day everything is going to get better. I know it will. Even if it takes a while, one day you’ll get there.

And now, 11 years later, things might actually be improving. At least a little and in some places.

I want to be able to tell my mother that things are getting better.

Starting with you, school, and everything you and the people related to you have done to me.

Sure, his father and his entire family situation was a whole different can of worms that would take a lot more than what has been improving so far but…

Small steps.

He had time. 

Don’t try to do everything at once.

“Even if that should be the case, which it isn’t, by the way. I don’t want you pushing me around anymore. What you and your followers are pulling on me is inexcusable and shitty behavior. And I’m praying that one day you’ll realize that what you’re doing is wrong. You think you and your ‘friends’ are the only ones who have been terrorizing me? Well, think again. It’s been years of this, even before you guys even appeared. And I’m done . I have enough stuff to deal with so I need my energy for things that aren’t your bullshit. I don’t care about you and your followers, but your actions had and have consequences. I don’t need Chuuya, Yuan and Shirase to speak up against you. But guess what: they’re here now. And they’re my friends . Unlike your people who only follow you because they’re scared of you.”

Kota opened his mouth, then closed it again, then opened it again, then closed it again, then he sent him a death glare. “What do YOU know about MY friends?!” Dazai tilted his head. “I dunno. But think about it. Do you think they’d still hang out with you, even if you didn’t make it your entire thing to mess with people you consider weak?”

Kota was quiet.

Dazai took a step back and waved. “Now please excuse me. Me and my friends have a contest to win. See you later!”

And then he left the guy standing there. Just like that.

The moment Dazai deemed himself to be out of reach, he deflated, his shoulders shaking as he slid down a tree and buried his face in his knees. Sure, standing up for himself felt good but… It took a lot of energy.

“Zai?” A familiar voice asked. Dazai’s head shot up and came face to face with Chuuya, giving him a concerned look. “You okay down there? Did something happen?”

Dazai was quiet for a moment and then… He pulled Chuuya down into a sudden hug, making him yelp. “Mackerel?! What–”

“I feel great, Chuuya!”

Chuuya’s eyes widened and he looked at him surprised. “You..-” But when he locked eyes with his boyfriend, he seemingly realized something in his head and his expression softened. “Yea?” He asked. Dazai nodded. “Yea. Now… let’s go beat Kota and his assholes at this game.” Chuuya squeezed him in his arms once and nodded. “Yea, let’s. Come on! The others are waiting already!”

—

They easily finished both their primary and secondary objectives, including all the bonus points. Following that conversation, Dazai had been struck with more energy to finish a school-related task than he remembered ever having, which sure was a weird feeling. Though somehow, it was one he’d been getting quite a few times these past few months. Like sudden bouts of energy that drove him to do stuff.

Take that, depression!

The four of them handed in their finished assignment before Kota’s group did, which was already a small moment of success to them. And when Odasaku went on to announce the winners, Dazai felt like he already knew the outcome before he even said a word.

“And the winners of today’s scavenger hunt are…. The Sheep! Congratulations to the four of you.”

“YES.” All of them exclaimed at the same time.

…And then, Dazai was suddenly part of a group hug .

An actual, real group hug.

…And he didn’t feel trapped. 

Hugging Chuuya had been a milestone, and since then there were many hugs with him, as well as careful, small moments of contact with their friends as well.

Handshakes and high fives.

Hair ruffling.

Being tugged along by the hand or arm to go somewhere.

A real hug tho, that was a whole new feeling. And Dazai didn’t mind it.

They pulled back and slowly settled back down, letting the adrenaline leave their bodies. But Dazai still felt like he needed to tell them, though quiet enough to not let anyone else hear.

“...I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a group hug before so… Thanks. For this, and for everything else too I guess. Like putting up with me n stuff.” He mumbled. Three pairs of eyes with matching sparkles fixed him in place. …And then he was captured in another group hug that sent all of them into a small fit of laughter. “You’re welcome man!” Shirase exclaimed.

Later that night, they happily shared the candy they’d gotten as a prize for winning the competition. And Dazai told them about his encounter with Kota in the woods.

—

Thursday was the last full day of their camping trip and Dazai felt as though he sure had made quite a bit of progress over the course of a few days. His dynamics with his classmates (or well, the worst of them), but also his dynamic with Chuuya and his friends.

Chuuya and he were on kissing terms now. Something Dazai hadn’t even been sure would one day be possible when they started dating. And Chuuya even knew, had seen his scars and was at least aware that he was (or at least had been) suicidal.

Dazai could now even hug his friends.

He was starting to fight back against the students who made his school life hell.

He hadn’t felt the urge to escape and call his aunt the entire time.

And he hadn’t had any actual suicidal or self-harming thoughts at all, despite what happened the last time he went along on a class trip.

He was gonna have so much to tell Kiye once he got back home.

As it was the last actual day (They’d basically start packing and driving home whenever they woke up the following morning), all of them would stay up late, following a program of a nighttime hike through the forest and around the lake (as any good camping trip should include), as well as a bonfire and marshmallows as a comfortable finishing touch to their week.

Of course, both Dazai and Chuuya were hyped at the prospect of said nighttime hike. Both of them quite enjoyed the darkness after all.

“You sure about this?” Dazai asked as they looked at the mirror in the changing room they were getting dressed for the occasion in. “Heck yea! We’ll fit right into the night! And who knows… Maybe we’ll even manage to scare someone, if y’know what I mean?”

Their plan was ready .

Dazai was starting to notice that he kind of really liked messing with people.

“You want to WHAT now boys?” Odasaku asked, blinking at them surprised.

“We wanna try and scare some people! Pleaseeee?” Dazai asked.

Their teacher shook his head amused and crossed his arms. “Alright alright, but only because it’s a special situation. Don’t stray too far from the class though, okay?”

“Got it, Oda-sensei!” 

“I can’t believe he’s really letting us go through with this.” Chuuya said. Dazai grinned, mischievously. “What can I say, he’s a cool teacher! …And I’m pretty sure he’s also just happy that I’m coming out of my shell. Probably gave us a bunch of bonus points.” His boyfriend just smiled at that.

“He really does care about you, hm?” He asked. Dazai nodded along and fixed the sleeves of his long, black shirt. “He’s pretty much aware of my entire history. Also kind of in charge of watching over me at school so I don’t do something stupid like- I dunno- jumping off the roof. It’s either this, or getting homeschooled. And being homeschooled sounds like the biggest nightmare on earth if ya ask me. Especially considering my whole home situation. …I’m just glad that I got someone nice assigned as my surveillance teacher. He cares, but he’s also not stalking my every step like the people at the clinic used to do.”

Chuuya threw an arm around his shoulders and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Thank fuck you’re not homeschooled. Who else would help me get through studying then?” Dazai snickered. “A study buddy? S’that all I am to you? You wound me Chuuya! I thought we had something more! Oh the tragedy.” He whined, dialing the dramatics up to 11.

Chuuya started laughing and playing along. “Well what else would I hang out with you for?” He asked teasingly. Dazai pouted. “The audacity! Maybe my dashing good looks? My wonderful personality? What about my irresistible charm? Does it all mean nothing to you? Oh how cruel you are, dearest chibiest Chibi of my heart…”

Then both of them snapped out of their roles, holding onto each other as they giggled about their stupid acting. “I swear to fuck Dazai, if you keep calling me these stupid nicknames I will consider a divorce!” Dazai gasped. “But we’re not even married! You can’t divorce me like this!”, “Well then let’s get married so I can , damnit!”

Finally, after some more laughing, the two of them calmed down a little. Dazai was leaning on the wall while Chuuya’s head rested against his chest, eyes closed, a content expression on his face as he stood with Dazai’s arms around his waist.

“Y’know Zai… I really like this, actually.” Chuuya mumbled. Dazai raised an eyebrow, his fingers drawing circles on Chuuya’s waist. “Being in my arms?” Chuuya huffed. “Not what I meant, idiot …But yea, that too.” He lifted his head, eyes locking with Dazai’s.

“I was talking about this side of you. The one that’s dramatic and cracks jokes. The one that’s loud and expressive and always moving. The one that’s mischievous and likes messing with people, no matter who they are. The one that can be mean and annoying without caring about other people’s opinions. I really like it.”

Dazai hummed, petting Chuuya’s hair. “What.. Exactly do you like about it..?”

Chuuya shrugged.

“I guess I just like how real it feels. Like this is who you are. Like there’s this whole you behind a mask and it’s breaking through the closer we get. Does that make sense? I guess it just feels like I’m unlocking new parts of you bit by bit. Like you’re allowing yourself to be like this because you trust me.”

Dazai understood.

Because that was exactly what was happening to him.

“I hope that one day, you’ll be able to freely be like this with others as well, without having to worry about their thoughts or opinions. Surrounded by people who appreciate you for the way you are.”

Dazai’s self was put together out of many, many different shards. Experiences. Ideals. Views on different parts of the world. All of these shards were messy, all over the place and probably didn’t fit. Some were wrong. Some were missing. And some never existed in the first place, making for an incomplete puzzle that just didn’t quite look or feel right.

His real self?
What even was that?

Who even was that?

Who exactly was the person behind the miserable indifference he used to keep himself safe?

Maybe he’d been stuck behind that facade for so long that he didn’t remember anymore. Or maybe it was never clear in the first place.

But he was no longer alone with all these stupid shards that didn’t fit. Because he had someone who was willing to help him pick them up and put them back together.

As for the ones that were missing or just never developed in the first place… Well, they’d just have to create new ones together.

Starting with a shard featuring the two of them, and an adjacent one featuring their friends.

…placed right over his heart.

—

“You sure you wanna stay here?” Okayashi-sensei asked, sending them a look. Dazai nodded, doing his best to look like he was in pain. “Yea, my head just hurts too much to walk around much right now.” Their teacher looked at Chuuya. “...And you?” Chuuya scooted closer to him. “I’m staying with Dazai to make sure he’s okay and help him if he needs something.

From somewhere to their left, Dazai could swear he could hear one of Kota’s friends accuse him of being scared of the dark, but he expertly ignored the words. Just you wait.

Okayashi-sensei sighed and took a step back as she joined the group once more. “Alright. You have our emergency number if something happens.” And then she and the rest of the class went off towards the start of their hike. Odasaku winked at them and then joined as well.

“Ready?” Chuuya asked, after their class was far enough away to not see them anymore.

“Ready.” Dazai responded.

Secretly following a group and hiding in the forest was much more fun than just walking with them. And when the two teens deemed it dark enough, they started with their scares. Small, but enough to at least make some of their classmates weary. With satisfaction, Dazai noted that all it took was a bit of twig cracking for Lee to cling onto Kota for dear life, begging him to protect her.

And after the guy’s friends one by one succumbed to Dazai and Chuuya’s actions, even Kota soon lost it when Dazai made a branch crash onto the path they were walking on (a safe distance away from the group. For legal reasons, he didn’t exactly intend on killing anyone.).

The scream Kota let out was far too funny and almost made Dazai fall out of the tree. And thankfully for everyone involved, Yuan, being in on the joke, had been filming all of it.

Of course the two of them kept themselves hidden for the entire walk. Though they did rush to go back to the campsite just before the rest of their class arrived there as well. And once they were there… Chuuya seemingly couldn’t resist throwing out one last remark before finally allowing the guy some time to recover from the week of being messed with.

“Did something happen? Kota kind of looks like he’s about to piss himself.”

…After that, Kota and his group avoided them for the entire rest of the night.

—

“And that’ll be it for this year’s class trip, kids. I do hope you had some fun.” Odasaku concluded his little speech. “Now, enjoy your marshmallows. But don’t go to bed too late or you’ll feel tired in the morning.”

Dazai was comfortably sitting on one of the benches further away from the fire and his classmates, wearing one of his baggy, warm hoodies and watching the flames flicker. They had something peaceful about them. Repeated motions, but never the exact same, along with the gentle crackling.

“Here.” Chuuya spoke, poking his forehead. Dazai zoned back into reality and accepted the stick his boyfriend was handing him. Stuck on the end, three marshmallows, roasted to perfection. “You were busy staring at the flames so I figured I'd make some for ya. Enjoy!” Dazai cracked a small smile and picked one of the marshmallows up, putting it in his mouth. “Awww. What a caring Chibi!” Chuuya just rolled his eyes with a small blush as he turned around to go back to the others and resume whatever it was that he was doing. “You’re welcome, idiot.”

It was way past 12 AM at this point, but it didn’t look like anyone would be getting much sleep anytime soon, way too busy chatting about the past few days and complaining about how they’d have to go to school again soon. …Until they were reminded that it was almost summer break which meant over a month of nothing. That quickly lightened the mood.

“So, how’d things go this week?” Odasaku asked, sitting down next to Dazai. Dazai hummed and poked one of the remaining marshmallows. “All things considered… I think it went pretty great. Glad I gave this a try. Chuuya contributed a lot. And so did Yuan and Shirase.” Odasaku smiled. “Yea I’ve been noticing. It’s really nice to see you with people.”

They were quiet for a moment before Dazai continued.

“...I told Chuuya about some of the stuff I’ve got going on. Including what happened on the last class trip I went on.” Odasaku looked at him, surprised. “You did? And.. How did he react?” Dazai ate another marshmallow. “Understanding and without judgement. He’s just.. He’s really great, Odasaku. I fear I may be in love.” He admitted, blushing a little as he pulled up his legs and hid his face in his knees. 

The teacher shook his head, amused, petting his hair. “Nothing wrong with that, Dazai. Love can be something beautiful. And I don’t even gotta ask him to know that his feelings for you are just as genuine and true. Which I’m sure you know too.”

“Yea, I do.”

Cheers from the group and Dazai listened up, just to see that Chuuya had grabbed a guitar from The stash of free time activity assets the school had provided them for this class trip. And Chuuya looked so beautiful in his element, in the light of the flames, that Dazai just had to pull out his phone and record. 

Behind him, Odasaku just smiled and stood up, returning to the students to listen to Chuuya’s music like they all did.

The first notes started playing, and Dazai immediately recognized the song as ‘Dusk Till Dawn’. …A song Chuuya knew was one of Dazai’s favorites. And once again, even in the less-than-optimal setting of it being outside, with the background noises of the grass, trees, bushes, lake, the open area, and all the people around, it still sounded amazing. Chuuya was just really talented. Both with playing guitar, and with singing too, as he easily followed along with the lyrics, voice and tune carrying through the air and into the night.

And as he got to the chorus, he sent a subtle look right into Dazai’s direction.

But you’ll never be alone

I’ll be with you from dusk till dawn

I’ll be with you from dusk till dawn

Baby I’m right here

It was really subtle, and no one would really notice it unless they were paying close attention. But Dazai felt it.

I’ll hold you when things go wrong

I’ll be with you from dusk till dawn

I’ll be with you from dusk till dawn

Baby I’m right here

Dazai sent a small wave in Chuuya’s direction and Chuuya grinned, before focusing back on the song he was playing with everyone completely focused on listening to him.

Honestly, Chuuya deserved a whole stadium of people listening to him. Dazai wondered if The Sheep published their songs and covers anywhere. Maybe they should. So long as Chuuya’s subtle romantic tendency to sing parts of stupidly cheesy love songs as though they were dedicated to Dazai would remain his privilege, and his privilege only.

Chapter Text

Stepping back into the mansion after spending a few days far away from it felt like entering a different dimension Dazai didn’t wanna be in. Though it only got worse when he, upon walking up the stairs, got interrupted by one of the servants working for them.

“Young master Tsushima, your father wishes to speak to you. You should come see him in his office.”

Of fucking course.

Dazai grimaced and nodded and the staircase suddenly felt so much longer than it was. He didn’t at all look forward to seeing his father. Especially not after he had gone on that class trip without his explicit permission. 

If it isn’t the consequences of my actually very reasonable actions.

Dazai brought his bag up into his room and tried to mentally prepare himself for the upcoming conversation. If an actual conversation was actually even possible. It all depends on how sober his father was. Though considering it was in the middle of a work day, chances were he wasn’t completely hammered.

…Dazai didn’t know if he should be more or less scared in that case.

He took a deep breath and left his room, walking along the hall and in the direction of his father’s home office.

“Hello father.” Dazai mumbled as he poked his head into the room, keeping his eyes on the ground. “You wanted to see me?”

“Welcome home, Osamu.”

Oh.

Oh no.

It was one of those conversations.

Dazai usually didn’t even count them as conversations. Because they were so rare and far in between and nothing but nice dreams that would last for at most a little while before he’d wake up to the harsh reality he was actually living in.

And every single time they managed to rip his heart apart even more.

“Dad.” He responded, looking up. There were no bottles on his desk. No ominous packages of substances that no one could legally get their hands on. Nothing. And the man sitting at said desk was nothing like the person Dazai had gotten used to. His eyes were too clear, his expression too relaxed, and his mood too good. And it was all so, so cruel.

“I’ve been told you went on a class trip?” The man asked. Dazai nodded. “I did. Decided to try again.” He responded, keeping his voice carefully calm. His father smiled that dumb, genuine smile that always somehow ignited a spark of hope in him, despite the knowledge that it was gonna be crushed again soon enough. 

“How was it, did you at least have some fun?” Dazai nodded. “I did. My friends and I did a lot of cool stuff together.” His father nodded along. “That’s good. Any… Incidents?” Dazai shook his head. “None. I’m okay.”

The man sighed and got up from his chair, walking closer to him. Dazai shouldn’t be scared, he shouldn’t. He should not. This wasn’t his father, this was his dad. Same person. Different font. One was sober. The other wasn’t. There was a difference. And yet…

When the man’s hand landed on his head and gently ruffled his hair, Dazai had to do his utmost best not to flinch and jump as far away as possible, though that didn’t change the fact that he was so tense his muscles hurt.

His father pulled his hand back and looked at him with sad, concerned eyes. “...And once again you’re acting and looking at me like I’m an alien creature. Why is it that you’re always like this..?

He didn’t even remember.

He never did.

“I’m sorry, dad.” Dazai whispered, taking a step back. “It’s okay. I forgive you.” His father responded. And it hurt so much.

“Regardless… I’m glad you tried the class trip thing again, despite everything. You’re doing great, Osamu. And I’m proud of you. Tell me more during dinner later, alright? I’ll come and get you once it’s time.”

Talking like you’ll still be there. Even though I know you won’t.

“Alright. Goodbye dad.”

A goodbye. Not a ‘see you later’. It would probably never be a ‘see you later’ again. Not since Dazai was really small.

As Dazai left the office after getting one more painful look at the gentle expression on his father’s face, the bubble of the dream popped. The door shut. The warmth left. And Dazai was left alone in the cold hallway.

No one came to get him around dinnertime. And Dazai once again cursed himself for having even the smallest bit of hope that things would be different for once.

He got up and left his room, sneaking up to his father’s office and knocking on the door before opening it. …Just to immediately almost get hit in the face with a glass bottle, flying a millimeter past his head and smashing against the wall behind him with a loud shattering sound that made his ears ring.

“Back to your room, right now! Can’t you see I’m busy?!”

“...I’m sorry, father.” Dazai said and stepped back, closing the door.

He stared down at his broken reflection in the broken glass shards on the ground before starting to pick them up, one by one. Though not careful enough, as it seemed.

“Shit.” He hissed under his breath as a sharp pain shot through his hand, red drops soon decorating the shards, rolling down the smooth surface like tears, smudging his reflection with a red tint. 

Not exactly what he meant to do.

He sighed, carrying the shards to the next available bathroom and throwing them into the trash. His hand stung. He hated cut wounds. They hurt like hell and bled even worse. Though to their credit, they were very good at reminding him that this was reality and keeping him here. Even though right now, he’d actually rather escape.

He quickly cleaned his wound, as he always did. Guess that was one more bandage than usual for a few days.

Once he returned to his room, he just threw himself onto the bed and stared at the ceiling.

He really, really hated reality.

His phone dinged and Dazai somehow mustered up the strength to pull it out of his pocket and turn it on.

Group chat: 

The Sheep

Yuan:

*Attachment of 52 images*

Took some time to pick out my personal favorite pictures from the trip!

Shirase:

Heck yea! Was about to do the same, actually!

Chibichuu <3:

Me too!

Yuan:

Bro, I already know over two thirds of the total images you took are just random shots of Dazai.

Yuan:

I’m too single for this shit

Chibichuu <3:

Fuck you, actually

*Attachment of ten different pictures of himself and Dazai*

Shirase:

Ew, gay ppl

With every message Dazai read, he felt a tiny little bit lighter. Right. Not everything was completely miserable. Just a lot of it.

You:

Homophobic, much? I’m offended!

Yuan:

DAZAI’S ALIVE EVERYONE

Yuan:

Chuchu, you can call off the police search

You:

?

Shirase:

Chuchu got really worried abt you getting home safely and then u didn’t text us and he got even more worried

Chibichuu <3:

SHUTUPPPPP

Chibichuu <3:

I DID NOT

Chibichuu <3:

Also if any of u call me Chuchu again I will literally end u

You:

Awwwww, don’t worry Chuchu <3 I’m alive 

Chibichuu <3:

U better be

Shirase:

You seeing this Yuan

Yuan:

Why does he get to call you that and we don’t?! I’m offended.

Chibichuu <3:

Boyfriend privileges. Fuck off.

You:

>:3

Chibichuu <3:

Seriously tho, u good?

Dazai hesitated for a moment, then sighed and opened his and Chuuya’s private messages

You:

More or less okay

Chibichuu <3:

What happened and who do I have to kill.

You:

Call?

*Incoming call from Chibichuu <3*

—

“Dad?” Shuuji asked, peeking into the room. His father, who’d been hunched over on the couch and looking like he was barely responsive, immediately sat up and quickly rubbed his eyes. “Shuuji? What’re you doing here? Shouldn’t you be asleep already?!”

Shuuji stepped into the room, hugging his plush cat close. “You told me you’d read me a nighttime story, remember? You told me a week ago that you’d be home early today.” His father sighed and shook his head. “Right. I’m sorry. Something came up at work and I was held back.”

Shuuji climbed onto the couch next to the man and leaned into his side. “It’s okay. I forgive you. You work a lot and that’s okay!” His father’s gentle hand reached up, affectionately petting his head. “What a sweet son I have. I’m truly blessed, hm?” Shuuji nodded eagerly. “I know I’m the best!”

It was quiet in the room for a while, until his father scooped Shuuji up in his arms, making the little boy let out a tired giggle. “Well then, considering you were so brave and stayed up so late, I’ll read you your bedtime story now, okay? But make sure it doesn’t happen again! Growing children like you need sleep!” Shuuji grinned and nodded. “Got it dad!”

Shuuji tried, he really did. But he was so, so tired. And so he fell asleep not even two minutes after his father started reading.

Quite unfortunate, considering that this was the last time ever he would read a bedtime story to his son.

-

Shuuji’s mother looked more tired than usual. Shuuji suspected it had something to do with the loud discussions she and his father had been having lately. He didn’t understand most of it, but it seemed like his mother was upset about his father’s job which Shuuji didn’t understand. 

His father was working so hard and Shuuji was sure that he was doing something good for them! Because if he didn’t, surely he’d be home more, right? Why would he work a job that would keep him away from the family he always said he loved so much if it wouldn’t be good for them? Family was important after all!

“You look sad mom! What’s wrong?” Shuuji asked. His mother looked up from the food she was staring at and shook her head with a sigh. “Don’t worry about it, Shuuji. Everything’s gonna be okay.”

Now that wouldn’t do! His mother deserved to be happy! And so Shuuji got up from his seat and walked over to her before hugging her close. The woman hugged back and ran her fingers through his hair. “Aw. Does my little knight in shining armor want to protect me from sadness?” She asked. Shuuji nodded eagerly. “Yes! Sadness begone!” His mother chuckled a little, though it sounded more hollow than it should.

“You’re the best Shuuji, I love you.”

“I love you too mom!”

-

“Dad?” Shuuji asked as he walked into the office. Something he’d been doing less and less lately. Something always intercepted him and most of the time it was his mother, saying something along the lines of how his father was working hard and they shouldn’t disturb him.

Right now, however, his mother wasn’t here. And Shuuji knew that because he just found her crying in her and his father’s bedroom, right after hearing her have an argument with the man. He didn’t like it when his parents fought. It made him sad.

“Go to sleep, Shuuji. It’s late.” His father’s voice sounded strangely slurred. Like he wasn’t properly awake. Shuuji balled his hands into fists and looked up at him. He looked miserable. Exhausted, with circles under his eyes and his face red. There were quite a few empty bottles sitting on the desk next to him. Shuuji couldn’t identify the nature of whatever was in them.

“Mom is crying.” The small boy stated. “Let her cry.” Came the immediate, cold response. Shuuji flinched and his eyes widened. Was this really… Still the same person?

“I- I want you to apologize to her and talk things out like adults!” He continued, trying not to sound too shaky. Though that was quite difficult as an oppressing aura of something pressed down on anything in this room.

“Don’t tell me what to do, Shuuji. You’re four years old. You don’t know anything.”

Still so, so cold. Nothing like the person Shuuji knew.

“But I know that mom is sad because of something you said or did! So I want you to apologize! I want my parents to be happy and to love each other! Can’t you just talk to her? Please?”

Fists slammed down on the desk and Shuuji jumped, taking a few steps back. He felt… Scared? Why did he feel so scared all of a sudden? What was going on? This was his father. His exhausted but loving father, right..?

“A- Are you angry with me, dad? Did I do something wrong? What did I do..?” He asked, though he didn’t receive a response.

Instead there was just a loud crashing sound as something flew right past Shuuji’s head.

A bottle, shattering against the wall behind him. Shuuji shrieked in fear. It could’ve hit him! Had his father aimed even just slightly more to the left it–

“What are you doing, dad?! Why are you-”

“OUT. NOW. Do not ask stupid questions, child. I have more bottles.”

Shuuji’s heart was beating in his throat as he felt tears rise into his eyes and he immediately turned around to bolt out of the room as quickly as his short legs could carry him. And when he reached his room, he slammed the door shut and buried himself in his bed under the blankets, curling up in a small ball and hugging himself close.

He didn’t come out for dinner, not even after his mom, his grandma and his aunt all tried to coax him out.

The following day his father seemed back to normal. And somehow, he couldn’t understand why Shuuji suddenly seemed so scared. Like he couldn’t even properly remember.

And gradually, the violent outbursts got more and more and more while the gentle, genuine moments got less and less and less. Until they barely existed anymore and the few times they did happen, they felt bitter and sad and like he was being ripped apart from the inside. And his mom went insane. And his grandmother killed herself. And Shuuji changed his name and wished for nothing more than to be dead as well.

Until it all morphed into the reality that he’d have to accept.

—

“It’s rare. But when these moments do happen, It feels like a punch in the gut and a slap in the face at the same time. Like ‘Hey, remember back when everything was fine :D Let me remind you how that felt just to make you miss these days even more. And then you can go right back to hell!’”

On the other end of the line, Chuuya sighed heavily. “Imma be real love, I’m starting to run out of arguments against the whole ‘Life hates you in particular’ thing.”

‘Love’, hm.

That was a new one.

“It’s okay. I’m honestly really impressed you managed to hold onto attempted counter arguments for such a long time. I’m super messed up, I know.” Chuuya huffed. “You aren’t. ‘Ts your circumstances that are the problem. You didn’t do shit to deserve this.”

Dazai turned to look out the window. Golden light shone through the blinds. The sun was setting. “Maybe I didn't, but I guess I just gotta deal with it. You get used to it after a while. And no amount of hope or wishful thinking will ever be able to bring back the feeling of how stuff was before everything went downhill.”

Chuuya hummed quietly and Dazai heard the wind picking up through the speakers. His boyfriend was seemingly somewhere outside.

“And I guess it just hurts even more to live like this after knowing what it feels like when things are okay?” Chuuya asked. Dazai hugged his pillow and buried half his face in it. “Yea, exactly.” The other teen huffed, sounding a little helpless himself. Dazai couldn’t blame him. Not even he knew what to do about this, so how would Chuuya? 

“Shitty situation. …Got any idea what could help you.” Dazai gave the question some thought, then shook his head. “Just.. Don’t leave. Don’t wanna be alone right now.” Dazai heard some ominous rustling from the other side of the line. And then the sound of… A metal gate opening? 

“Alright, I’m not leaving. Can you let me in though? Didn’t bring a jacket with me and it’s gonna get cool out here soon.

What?!

Dazai sat up straight in his bed. “What do you mean, let you in? Where are you–”, “At your back door, idiot. Don’t wanna go to the front and alert anyone tho. So… Are you gonna come get me?”

Dazai was out of his bed quicker than light itself.

—

“You’re insane.” Dazai said. Chuuya strolled into his room and tossed his bag into a corner before throwing himself onto the bed. “Am I now?” Dazai looked at him in disbelief. “I just told you some stuff about my abusive father who, by the way, is in a really bad mood right now, and you just- come over?! When did you even–”

Chuuya chuckled and interrupted him. “I was already putting my shoes on and leaving the house when we started the call.” Dazai sat down at his side and leaned against the wall, pulling his legs up to his body. “And you didn’t even stop a moment to consider the potential dangers of coming here? For all you know he could try and hurt you if he found out you’re here.”

Chuuya just shrugged and looked up at him with a smile. “So what? Getting to comfort my boyfriend is worth the risk. And if he does notice me and gets upset… Well, I’ll tell him what’s what. Punch him in the face if I have to.” Dazai tilted his head. “You’d really just- do that?” Chuuya nodded and reached out a hand, interlacing his and Dazai’s fingers.

“Anything for you, Zai.”

And Dazai felt like he could cry. Screw all the risks involved. His boyfriend was here. For no other reason than wanting to be with him and ready to protect him if need be.

He easily tugged Chuuya up into a sitting position and brought up a hand to rest against his freckled cheek. The redhead easily leaned into his touch and placed his own hand on top of Dazai’s, squishing against him like a cute animal asking for affection. And affection he sure got, as Dazai leaned in and pressed his lips to Chuuya’s in a soft kiss. 

He felt his boyfriend smile into the kiss and didn’t even consider pushing him away as the smaller teen somehow crawled onto his lap and reached up to hold his face in both hands gently. His touch was so soft that Dazai felt like he could melt. And even as they pulled apart for air, Chuuya’s hands remained right in place.

“Alright then. I guess you can stay over. We just gotta try to ensure that my father doesn’t notice. …Though he’s probably too intoxicated to care about anything anyway.” Chuuya booped Dazai’s nose with his own softly. “We’ll be quiet. And if he does find out, well, I’ll eventually want to have a stern talk with him anyway. It’ll be okay.” 

Dazai sighed and closed his eyes. “Alright, I’ll trust you. Though I’d actually kind of rather have another kiss than another confrontation with him today.” Chuuya huffed and pecked his cheek. “I think that can be arranged.”

Soon enough, Chuuya was gently pressing him into the mattress. And Dazai found that this was actually much, much nicer to think about and focus on than any of the bad stuff in his life.

Chapter Text

This was bad. Well, not bad , but like- Still bad. Bad for his heart, that is.

Dazai stared at himself in the mirror some more, unable to tear his eyes away from the purple mark on his neck, and then buried his face in his hands and squealed.

“Look- I’m sorry! I didn’t think I’d–” Chuuya said, stammering over his words, his face bright red. But it wasn’t even like Dazai was upset! Quite the opposite, actually. He just didn’t expect this to happen!

But as he turned around and saw how guilty Chuuya looked, nervously rubbing his arm and looking down, Dazai really quickly calmed himself down and offered the other teen a small smile. “Hey, calm down Chuuya. You didn’t do anything wrong. The bandages are gonna be hiding it anyway!”

Chuuya groaned and shook his head. “Still… Should’ve been more careful.” Dazai squished him in a hug. “It’s really okay tho! Don’t beat yourself up over it. Isn’t it considered something perfectly normal for a relationship anyway?” Chuuya hesitated for a moment, then took a deep breath and hugged back, burying his face in Dazai’s neck. “...Yea, I guess you’re right.”

Weirdest thing about this: Dazai actually liked it.

And yet, he wasn't sure how to feel about it.

—

“And that concludes today! Don’t forget any of your stuff at school and enjoy your summer break!” Their teacher announced, leading to the entire class breaking out in loud, excited chatter as people started getting up and leaving almost immediately.

Dazai quietly put his stuff into his bag and then got up, waiting for Chuuya, Shirase and Yuan to finish too as they decided to meet up with their other friends and all get ice cream together to celebrate the start of summer break.

The moment they left the school grounds, Chuuya’s hand found Dazai's. Warm and safe, as always. It was a natural movement at this point and Dazai long since stopped even thinking about people seeing them. Let them see. And if it somehow still managed to reach his father, then they’d figure out what to do after the matter.

“So, what’re y’alls plans for summer vacation?” Higuchi asked, turning over to walk backwards as she grinned at the group. And it seemed like most of them were off on vacation with their families. Everyone except for Dazai. And…

“You going on vacation too, Chuuya?” Kajii asked. Chuuya just shook his head. “No. Not this year. My parents wanted to go on vacation alone at some point anyway and so we came to the conclusion that Paul, his boyfriend and I are gonna stay here this time. And considering Paul doesn’t live at home anymore anyway, I’ll have the house all to myself! That’s also pretty cool for once!”

Dazai felt warm inside. Sure, what Chuuya said hadn’t been inherently false but… It wasn’t the main reason he’d be staying home. Because as long as Dazai still lived at Tsushima manor and couldn’t just spontaneously come along on summer vacation with Chuuya’s family, not Chuuya, nor his brother, nor their parents felt okay with leaving him alone.

…And so they had come to the mutual agreement that Chuuya and Verlaine (+Boyf) would stay here and they’d try all they could in the coming year to be able to take Dazai along with them next time.

“Hold on.” Shirase spoke up, looking at them surprised. “Considering both Chuuya and Dazai are staying here, I’m sure they’ll be spending a lot of time together. And if Chuuya’s home alone then..-” Their entire friend group went quiet and turned to look at them and Dazai honestly had no idea what was going on, taking a step back and hiding behind his boyfriend. Until…

“Aw man… I’m so jealous! Have fun you two! And don’t forget to use protection!” Tachihara said. …And as the realization of why they were all looking at them like this settled in, Dazai almost choked on his own breathing, falling into a violent coughing fit while Chuuya turned as red as a tomato.

“Get your mind out of the fucking gutter, all of you! We’re not gonna be doing anything like that!” Chuuya almost screeched, looking so unbelievably embarrassed. Their friends laughed. “You never know! You two will be alone a lot so…” Higuchi said. Chuuya didn’t reply, burying his face in his hands, meanwhile Dazai was just as frozen in place, looking anywhere but their group.

They were right. Somewhat. …right? That’s.. What couples often do when they get the opportunity to be alone together a lot. And considering Chuuya stopped responding…

Dazai violently shook his head, trying to get rid of the thoughts. They wouldn’t, right? There was no way. They’d barely even started kissing!

…But what if Chuuya expected it to be something they’d be doing. …Then what? What was Dazai supposed to say?! 

After all, while (fortunately) not having experienced any of it directly, he’d seen and heard too much in his fucked up home life to even consider doing that an option right now. 

…And it would also mean showing Chuuya everything , which he wasn’t ready for, despite all the support.

—

Summer vacation started and their friends went off on vacation. But their words and that stupid conversation, their stupid teasing, it was all still stuck in Dazai’s head along with all the worries it caused. Sure, he knew they meant no harm. But… Their words were still there. Unable to get wiped from his mind. And they were constantly making him feel on edge, leading him to overanalyze Chuuya’s every word and action. It wasn’t even fair! Chuuya wasn’t insinuating anything and yet he still found himself so on-guard.

Oh how he hated himself and his brain sometimes.

Though if Chuuya noticed any difference in his behavior, he wasn’t bringing it up.

Dazai sure did notice though. How his own behavior got weirder along with these stupid thoughts. And he didn’t like it. Because he trusted Chuuya yet somehow his mind still managed to make him doubt that very fact. Though he just decided to hide it because he’d feel awful for making Chuuya feel bad or, even worse, guilty, in any way, shape or form.

He’s done nothing wrong, Osamu. Stop making stuff difficult.

“What exactly are you trying to achieve down there?” Dazai asked, a little confused and concerned as he exited the house after getting them some cold drinks and found Chuuya lying spread out, face down on the ground next to the pool.

“I’m becoming one with the floor. ‘Ts too fucking hot to exist right now.” Chuuya’s muffled voice responded. Dazai chuckled and crouched down next to him. “Shame. And I even made some ice cold milkshakes for us… But I suppose the floor won’t be able to have any so… I’ll just have to drink it aaaaall by myself. What a tragedy…”

Chuuya immediately sprung up into a sitting position, eyes wide and sparkly. “No! Don’t you fucking dare! That’s my milkshake! Give it right here!” He protested, to which Dazai huffed, amused, handing Chuuya a glass with a fruit milkshake he’d thrown together with a bunch of ice and whatever he could find. He may be a disaster at cooking, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t be good at other stuff!

“Honestly, I’ve got now fucking idea how the heck you’re surviving like this.” Chuuya said, gesturing at Dazai’s choice of clothing. A hoodie. And a large one at that. In the middle of summer. Dazai shrugged. “I get that a lot. I guess I’m just used to the hoodies by now so it doesn’t make too much of a difference.”

Chuuya grimaced and shuddered, before pulling his shirt over his head. “Yea well. I’m too fucking hot so… Go ahead and keep that hoodie of yours, you maniac. But leave me out of it! I don’t wanna boil alive.”

Dazai laughed at that a little, though he soon shut his mouth as Chuuya threw his shirt somewhere. Because Chuuya just looked so stupidly good that it made his brain all fuzzy. With his messy, bright orange hair that was growing longer (Soon he’d be able to pull it into a small ponytail), his freckles that covered his cheeks, neck, going all the way down to his shoulders and chest, with his skin that looked healthy and like he was getting lots of sunlight.

…And of course his overall physique and that Dazai could easily see that he was pretty active in sports stuff.

“What’cha staring at?” Chuuya asked with a smirk. Dazai blushed, realizing he’d been caught, before looking away. “...My 100000/10 boyfriend.” He admitted with a quiet voice, words making Chuuya beam. And fuck , that smile just made him look even better.

Dazai could never compare. With his lankiness, his pale, scarred skin, his dull appearance. Surely, Chuuya knew that too. And Dazai couldn’t even imagine his boyfriend would ever even want to see all of him. Because wouldn’t that just mean he’d be one step closer to realizing that he could do so, so much better?

Dazai didn’t want that. 

Another reason why he was worried about Chuuya wanting to go any further. Cause what if that’d be the moment he’d realize he didn’t actually want that.

“Helloooo! Earth to Mackerel!” Chuuya said, waving a hand in front of his face. Dazai quickly shook his head, snapping back into reality. “Sorry- zoned out.” He responded. Chuuya sighed and ruffled his hair amused. “Your brain’s been all over the place these past few days. You good?”

Dazai sighed and offered his boyfriend a small smile. “I’m okay. Don’t worry.” And while he wasn’t sure if Chuuya was really buying that, he did let off on the questioning and tugged him closer. “Come into the water with me?” He asked. And after a little more convincing (Including Chuuya lending him a shirt he could keep on while in the water), Dazai did end up joining him. And as expected, the water had a soothing effect on him. …But it also meant that whenever Chuuya would get close, he’d get close close. And the feeling of another person’s skin so close to his own still made Dazai feel jumpy and weird, despite that person being his boyfriend of a few months. Skin contact was just different.

…Especially with his brain still being stupid about everything.

“You sure you’re alright babe? The excessive zoning out worries me y’know?” Chuuya asked, hand resting against Dazai’s cheek. Dazai was leaning back against the pool wall. And Chuuya was right in front of him, face close after they spent a good ten minutes chasing each other through the water.

“Yea, today’s just.. Weird.” Dazai responded. He’d actually like to cut the conversation short before he’d end up saying something stupid. And so he just leaned forward and kissed Chuuya in an attempt to shut him up. …Which seemingly worked well enough as Chuuya immediately kissed back and pulled him close. Though as they kissed, and Dazai felt the other teen’s arms and legs wrap around him, weird feelings were coming right back. 

The stupid, stupid warmth. …And along with it reservation and a little bit of fear. Especially when Chuuya’s fingers, as subconscious as the movement may be, tugged on the bandages around his neck. And suddenly, Dazai felt too exposed. Too open. Like if this went even a little further, he’d end up showing parts of himself he wasn’t ready to show yet.

And so, even if a little begrudgingly, he pulled back and put some distance between the two of them, not missing how Chuuya basically chased after his lips. And for a moment he was worried but–

“Too much?” Chuuya, stupidly understanding Chuuya, asked with that soft expression of his, and Dazai could only nod, followed by Chuuya pulling away from him. “Got it. That’s perfectly fine.”

And while Dazai did feel a little safer, a little less exposed, he also quickly started missing Chuuya’s warmth up close to him. Though that issue was soon fixed as, once dressed, they went right back to cuddling. And like that, with that barrier between them, Dazai felt safe again. Why was he so weird? He wished he had an answer for that question.

Chuuya, to his credit, didn’t prod. He just held Dazai in his arms and from then on stayed a comfortable distance away from him when there wasn’t much clothing involved. Like he understood with no words being spoken. And Dazai was really glad he did. Though he did feel a little bad for keeping his boyfriend at a distance he probably didn’t want to have between them.

—

…Unfortunately, not everything suddenly disappeared because of Chuuya being a respectful boyfriend. Because as the days went on, as they spent more time together, Dazai both wanted yet was also scared of that kind of contact. Two completely conflicting feelings that somehow managed to coexist and cause chaos.

See, he wanted that closeness with Chuuya. He just didn’t know how to go about it or how to fix himself so he wouldn’t be scared anymore. Logically he knew that physical closeness and intimacy didn’t immediately equal sex or anything like that. Yet that blockage in his brain was still right there. Still causing him issues. And he wished for it to be gone. Because it was also having an effect on his general experience of the things they’d already done! Like kissing, for example. 

The line between comfortable and scary was a thin one. And it was unbelievably difficult to stay right there in the middle and not fall over onto the ‘scary’ side with all of this clogging up his mind. Especially when Chuuya kissed him like there was nothing else in the world he’d rather do than this. Dazai loved those kisses, he did. But they also made him incredibly tense. Cause what if it didn’t stop at that? What if his boyfriend wanted to go further? Like it was said to be normal for relationships?

“Mackerel? You can talk to me, right?” Chuuya asked, hovering over Dazai as they were lying on a picnic blanket outside near the pool, enjoying the comfortable night temperatures and looking up at the stars that started to appear one by one the darker it got.. Dazai blinked and returned to reality after having zoned out once again. Right . They were literally just cuddling and then his thoughts came around once more to be annoying.

“You’ve been out of it since summer break started, and you keep telling me you’re okay, but I don’t really believe that. Did something happen at home? At school? Did I do something?” He asked, sounding concerned. Dazai remained quiet. …He should tell him, right?

“...Alright, I did something then. Can you tell me what it was?” Chuuya asked softly. Dazai sighed and averted his eyes.

“I wanna be close to you. But like- Not that kind of close. Not yet.” He mumbled, immediately internally smacking himself for how stupid that sounded. Great going Osamu. Now your boyfriend is worried and confused.

“What do you mean, exactly?” Chuuya inquired, tilting his head and sitting up at Dazai’s side. Dazai buried his face in his hands and groaned. “I meant like- God, this feels so dumb to say. Help. I-” Chuuya gently placed one of his hands on Dazai’s shoulder. “Breathe, Zai. Everything’s gonna be okay.” And with Chuuya’s comforting gesture, Dazai actually managed to calm down, though he still kept his face covered.

“I don’t wanna sleep with you, Chuu. Not yet. I’m just- I’m not ready for that. J- Just so you know. Y’know, in case you were expecting something from us being alone at your place like this.”

For a moment, it was completely quiet. …And then Chuuya burst out into loud laughter, curling up on the blanket next to Dazai who was completely caught off-guard, peeking out from under his hands to watch his boyfriend absolutely losing it. Dazai flushed. “Hey! What’s so funny?!”

Chuuya calmed down a little, but immediately started laughing again when he locked eyes with Dazai. And Dazai half-expected him to respond with something along the lines of ‘As if I’d ever sleep with you’, but… Instead Chuuya just sat up and fixed him in place with a soft look, still seeming amused.

“Is that why you’re so nervous lately? Did our friends really get under your skin this much?” He asked, to which Dazai just slowly nodded, sitting up and staring down at his knees, fiddling with his bandages. “When they talked about it it sounded like something completely obvious. Like there’s no way that’s not gonna happen. Like it’s a standard for relationships. And I just-” Chuuya sighed. “You took it to heart? Like really?” Dazai slowly nodded. Chuuya scooted closer and gently took the other boy’s hands into his own. In his hold, Dazai slowly relaxed and took some deep breaths, squeezing back softly.

“From what I’ve heard, it is something seen as natural for couples. But just ‘cause it’s natural it doesn’t mean it’s mandatory. And well… I’m not gonna lie and say I don’t want that to happen, because I do, actually-” Chuuya’s cheeks took on a soft red color and Dazai’s did the same, though he decided to hear Chuuya out before saying anything.

“-But it in no way has to happen now or anytime soon. Or anytime at all, for the matter. Your pace, remember?”

“We’ll take this at your pace, Dazai. Small steps. I can wait.”

“Considering everything, I’m honestly impressed we’re already at a point where we can kiss. And just that already makes me happy. I don’t need anything else, idiot. Not this soon, and especially not as long as you’re not fully comfortable with it. Just ignore the stuff they say. They were just teasing. We’re perfectly fine in this relationship as we are. We make the rules and no one else. Got it?”

Dazai responded with a small nod and slowly looked up at Chuuya who was giving him a fond, affectionate look. Then the redhead brought one of Dazai's hands up to his lips, placing a soft kiss against the skin.

“One day, if you ever feel ready, I’ll be right there. And if that day doesn’t come for a long time, or even never comes in the first place, that’s fine too. I’ll still be there. Promise.” 

And just like that, Dazai’s heart was swallowed by warmth.

“And you don’t gotta worry about kisses going too far. Unless you tell me you want to, I’ll never go beyond kissing. That’s also a promise. So… Don’t be scared, alright? And if anything, literally anything , gets too much, all you have to do is tell me to stop and I will. Immediately. No questions asked. I promise that as well.”

Dazai finally properly locked eyes with Chuuya, and he saw nothing but sincerity in them. Like he meant every single word. Because he did. Dazai knew that he did. His boyfriend just cared a lot. 

He was lucky. Unlike someone else he knew.

He didn’t like thinking about it, because the memories were brutal. But sometimes, when it got too loud in the house, he’d check on the situation and regret it immediately.

Standing frozen in the door of a bedroom, or any room for that matter, unable to move, helpless, unable to do anything, only able to listen to the loud screams. They’d gotten more quiet over time, until they disappeared completely, when his mother’s mind succumbed to her schizophrenia and she wasn’t able to process her surroundings anymore, wasn’t able to remember anything.

But Dazai remembered. He’d always remember. No matter how much he tried not to. He’d seen too much. ‘Consent’ and ‘stop’ seemingly not part of that monster’s vocabulary.

How did things go so, so horribly wrong?

“Chuuya?”

“Hm?”

“Please just.. Never, ever break those promises, okay? I know you won’t. You’d never. But I just–”

“-Okay. I swear on my life that I’ll keep those promises.”

No hesitation. None at all.

Chuuya opened his arms and Dazai crashed into them in a soft hug, wrapping his arms around the smaller teen and pulling him close.

“Chuuya?”
“Hm?”

“I love you.”

It felt easy to say. …And it felt good. Chuuya held him a little tighter, face pressed into Dazai’s neck as close as he could.

“I love you too.”

Chapter Text

Summer vacation passed, and as much as Dazai didn’t want to, it was time to go back to school once more. Though with all the more recent developments since the class trip, he found himself not dreading the situation anymore, telling himself that he was gonna go to school to learn and hang out with his friends, rather than to force himself to get through the day and get fucked around with by the people who didn’t like him.

For the first time in his life, he really felt like he wanted to go back to school after break. Which was a weird feeling in itself that he absolutely wasn’t used to. And so, on the first day back, he stepped into the building, walking a little more upright than usual.

“Dazai!” An excited voice greeted him and he was dragged into a half-hug by a familiar pink-haired girl. He did his best not to fall over and petted her back. “Hey there Yuan.”

Yuan kept him close for another moment, then pulled back and ruffled his hair to which Dazai smacked her hand away gently. “You’re messing it up!” Yuan just laughed and crossed her arms. And then she went quiet and looked him up and down once. 

“Y’know Dazai, you actually look less like a ghost than before. Like you spent a bunch of time in the sun!” Dazai looked down and away, fiddling with his bandages. He did notice that, though he wasn’t sure anyone else would. Well, she wasn’t wrong after all. 

“Is it actually that noticeable?” Yuan nodded. “It really is.” Dazai smiled a little. “Well, I did spend a lot of time outside with Chuuya so-”

“It looks healthier.” She said, cutting him off. “Like you’re doing better. Like whatever your issues are, things are improving. Makes me kind of happy! Like Chuuya, Shirase and I are helping you. I can already see a huge difference from the beginning of the year!”

They noticed it, too, then. And of course, Dazai did as well. He looked up at her and nodded. “Yea. I feel like dating Chuuya, meeting you guys and stuff, it pushed my life back into motion. And now things are happening and some stuff is getting a little better.”

Yuan grinned. “Well then! We’ll continue doing just that then! And if you get stuck on anything, we’ll try and nudge you in the right direction! Now come on! Let’s get to class!” And so they did.

However..

“Have you guys heard anything from Chuuya?” Shirase asked, contemplative. It was lunch break. Their teachers had kept them too busy with class stuff for the entire morning so they couldn’t do too much talking. But now they were free for a little bit.

…And Chuuya was nowhere to be found.

“Haven’t heard anything.” Yuan responded with a shrug. Dazai double-checked his messages, but there wasn’t anything new either. And so he shook his head. “Nah, I haven’t, either.” Though he did decide to send Chuuya a message, asking where he was.

“You think he may be having one of those days?” Shirase asked, turning his head to Yuan who hummed and stared down at her phone. “It’s possible. It is the first day after a longer school break.”

Dazai tilted his head and looked up at his friends. “One of those days?” He asked. Shirase sighed and leaned back on his hands. “It happens sometimes. Especially after school breaks. Chuuya just completely falls off the face of the earth. Sometimes it’s a day. Sometimes multiple. We don’t hear a word from him, he doesn’t respond to our messages and if he does, it’s really short and he’d be gone right after.”

Shirase took a deep breath while Yuan continued for him. “Sometimes he doesn’t even reply in the first place and our only source of information either comes from his brother or from going to him directly. He doesn’t seem sick. He doesn’t look sick. He doesn’t show any symptoms, but it’s at the same time nothing like the way you’d skip school just because you don’t want to go.” Dazai listened up. It all sounded kind of familiar.

“What does he tell the teachers?” Dazai asked. Shirase shrugged. “That he’s sick. The most common stuff he tells them is that he’s got a headache. Pretty sure some teachers asked him about it before, but he tells them it’s just how things are. Not sure if I believe that tho.”

Dazai took in the information and nodded along. His theory still stood, though he had no way of fully confirming it. And he didn’t exactly wanna tell Chuuya to go get tested. It just felt… Weird.

His phone dinged and he immediately scrambled to get it to check if it was a message from Chuuya. But instead of his boyfriend’s name, a different one popped up on his phone.

French Fry:

Hey Dazai

French Fry:

U at school, right?

You:

Yea I am

French Fry:

Just found out my dearest little brother didn’t show up today

You:

Yea and he didn’t message any of us

French Fry:

He never does, don’t take it to heart

French Fry:

He’s even got difficulties telling me about those days

French Fry:

My guess is that he feels so bad and embarrassed that he can’t do it.

French Fry:

That being said, would u have the capacity to check on him after school? Me n bf got our anniversary date today and our parents won’t be back until Friday

French Fry:

I mean I can still do it but

You:

I’m doing it, dw

French Fry:

Ya sure?

You:

Imma take it as an opportunity to try and be as much of a good and supportive boyfriend as he is

French Fry:

:)

French Fry:

Thanks. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it. Text me if you need anything

You:

Will do

You:

Have fun on ur date!

Dazai looked up from his phone at Shirase and Yuan who were both watching him with interest. He shoved the device back into his pocket. “Verlaine texted me. Sounds like it is one of those days. I’ll go check on Chuuya later!”

Both of the other teens seemed relieved and concerned at the same time. Yuan sighed. “Good. Y’know, I always get worried for him on those days. Sometimes he feels like a completely different person.”

Dazai nodded along with her words. “I think I know what you mean. …And I think I also know how to deal with him like this.” Shirase blinked, surprised. “You do? We still haven’t figured that out to this day.” Dazai shrugged. “It’s a lot easier to understand when you yourself have been in similar situations. Don’t worry. I got this.” Both of them smiled at him. “Good.” Yuan then said, petting his shoulder. “Y’know what? I think it goes both ways! You two are actually good for each other!”

—

As he did so often during summer break, Dazai entered the house through the garden and the door leading to it. Chuuya had given him permission to drop by randomly anytime, even going as far as handing him a spare key to the house if he ever needed to enter, even when no one was home. …As though Dazai was a fully integrated part of the Nakahara family already. And so Dazai stepped inside, armed with a bag of stuff he brought along to hopefully cheer Chuuya up.

Upon entering Chuuya’s room, it was quiet. And Chuuya? He was curled up on his bed under his blanket. Not asleep, but not ready for the awake world regardless. Dazai shut the door and walked through the room.

“Paul? I thought I told you you didn’t have to–”

“Hey Chibi! I thought I told you that we should ditch school together when you don’t feel good enough to go!”

As soon as he spoke up, Chuuya shot up into a sitting position with wide eyes, moving at light-speed in an obvious attempt to make his hair and his entire self a little more presentable. …With medium success. It was obvious from how messy his hair looked, from the sleeping clothes he was wearing. As expected, he hadn’t left his bed the entire day.

“Dazai?! Wait- Fuck- I- Hold on! Don’t look at me–”, “Chuuya. We’ve literally slept in the same bed many, many times. I know what you look like upon getting up.”

Chuuya let out a defeated sigh and looked down at the blanket, gripping onto it tightly. “...You’re here?” Dazai nodded. “Mhm. I am. Wanted to check on you, considering you weren’t at school today.”

Chuuya seemed embarrassed, and guilty, and like he didn’t know how to reply. Just as Dazai thought. And so he just sat down on the bed next to his boyfriend and placed the bag on his blanket. “I brought chocolate and other snacks! Oh, and water of course. You should drink something.”

The bottle of water was quickly accepted and the other teen basically drank the entire thing in one go. It really was the exact same pattern Dazai had felt a million times in his life, and it made him want to protect his boyfriend at all cost. Chuuya sat the bottle aside and looked down. “Sorry. I just–”

“-Woke up, feeling like today wasn’t gonna be a good day. And then you decided you were just gonna stay at home. And then you probably spent an hour or two doomscrolling online stuff while thinking you don’t deserve to sit there and entertain yourself like that and then you buried yourself under your blankets and procrastinated eating, drinking, sleeping, anything, and tried to convince yourself that you actually feel sick and it’s totally not just a day where you can’t manage to get up from bed.”

Chuuya blinked at him, repeatedly, opening his mouth to say something, closing his mouth again, opening it again, closing it again, before he sighed and slumped against Dazai’s side. Dazai easily caught him and brought the two of them into a more comfortable position. And the other boy curled himself into a small ball, almost hiding himself in Dazai’s arms like they’d protect him from the world. 

“Stop reading my thoughts, Mackerel.” He complained quietly. Dazai huffed out a small laugh and buried his face in Chuuya’s hair. “Never. So… does that mean I’m right?” The other nodded. “Yea, spot on.”

For a while, both of them were just quietly cuddling away. And as Chuuya slowly relaxed, he started talking.

“‘Ts always the worst after school breaks and I hate it so much. Got more than enough time to relax and sometimes I even wanna go back to school just to do stuff. …But when the day actually comes it’s like there’s a giant weight pressing down on me and keeping me trapped against the bed. I’m not even tired, or feel sick, or exhausted. I just don’t feel good. For no particular reason whatsoever. Couldn’t name it if I tried. There’s no logical reasoning behind it either. Just a stupid feeling. But one strong enough to incapacitate me for the entire fucking day. And even then I just don’t feel better because then I get to feel guilty instead. And dread the fact that I probably missed important stuff that I have to look into on my own later.”

Dazai hummed and pulled Chuuya into his lap. The other teen didn’t even react at all. Like a ragdoll being moved around however Dazai wanted to.

“I tell my parents that I feel sick, I invent a reason that sounds better than just telling them ‘I just can’t today’, even though I know that they know it’s not the truth. Yet they still somehow accept it everytime. They call the school, they sign a paper for the teachers to know that I was home, and they leave me be. My brother’s like- the one person I actually tell word for word what the problem is. But that also already feels like a huge obstacle to jump over and it takes me several hours of repeatedly staring at my messaging history to actually send the damn thing. Like what even is that? It’s not fucking normal and I just–”

Chuuya took a shaky breath and when Dazai looked at him, he even saw a certain glassiness in his eyes that made the alarm bells in his head ring loudly. And while he really didn’t wanna see him cry, he knew that it might help.

“Can you put your feelings into words for me?” Dazai asked. Chuuya clung onto him more tightly. “I think? I-”, “There’s no right or wrong, Chibi. It’s okay.” The other teen was quiet for a moment, but then he slowly nodded. “The moment I wake up, first thing I feel is dread for the coming day. A day that feels like a gigantic mountain with an impossibly to reach top and the constant danger of sliding down to absolute rock bottom. And when I decide I don’t wanna go to class that day, the next thing I feel is fear. I’m scared of telling my parents, or my brother, or anyone, because that would mean disappointing them. Feels like it, at least. And when I finally gather the courage to tell them and I do, the first thing I feel is relief. ‘Ts like super fucking short-lived tho. And once it’s over… Disappointment, anger, all directed at myself. Because I should be able to do that stuff. I’m supposed to function, to be normal. And those feelings follow me throughout the entire day. Only those, and guilt, and that’s it.”

With every word, Chuuya’s voice got more shaky. And Dazai held him tighter, running his fingers through his hair. “I just don’t fucking get it, Zai. Why am I like this? It’s not like I want to be! But no amount of internally yelling at myself solves shit. ‘Try harder’ they always say. But it’s like I just can’t . And it’s so fucking frustrating.”

Dazai watched as his boyfriend buried his face in his chest and pressed a kiss to his hair. Chuuya’s grip onto his shirt tightened and Dazai felt it. Felt a few tears that the other couldn’t suppress anymore. He didn’t say anything, just allowed him to stay close, hidden and safe. Chuuya was always there for him. Now it was his turn.

He didn’t know how long they were sitting there. And honestly, he didn’t care either. But eventually, Chuuya pulled back and rubbed his eyes. “Shit, now your shirt’s all messy.” He cursed quietly. Dazai quickly shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. I’ll just steal one of yours. I’m just glad you managed to get some of that emotion out there.” He said.

His boyfriend chuckled quietly and tilted his head up to stare at the ceiling. “I usually never cry. But I guess bottling shit up just pushes it back to a later date. And then the smallest stuff is enough to cause this. Especially on days like today where I’m already not in a good mood. ‘Ts like it all explodes at once and manifests in an overreaction to compensate for my lack of reaction in other situations. Like my brain collects these stupid emotions and keeps them in an enclosed space where they can’t get out. …Until it gets too much, but then all of them break out at once. Well, at least it’s picking days like today where usually no one’s around to see me like this.”

…Which probably, most definitely wasn’t a healthy way to deal with stuff. But Dazai was the last person who should speak on what’s healthy and what isn’t. 

“Ever thought about getting help?” Dazai asked. Chuuya huffed. “Says you, dumbass.” Dazai shook his head. “Touché.”

—

After spending some more time inside, chilling and eating snacks, Dazai managed to convince Chuuya to take a walk with him, despite the boy being convinced he shouldn’t allow himself to go outside because he was technically ‘sick’. Though upon being met with the argument that getting some fresh air was often helpful, especially for the ‘headache’ Chuuya was using as a stand-in for the actual reason, there wasn't much he could do to argue.

“There we go. All set.” Dazai hummed, setting down the brush he was taking care of Chuuya’s hair with and pressing a kiss to the back of his neck. Chuuya sighed, content, turning his head to look up at him. “Dedicated to making me look somewhat presentable?” Dazai shrugged. “I dunno. Thought it might make you feel better to be properly ready to go out. Kiye always tells me that even small things like this can improve a person’s mood. Plus… Your hair is too pretty to not take care of properly.” To which Chuuya just blushed and quickly turned his head to look down. “Idiot.”

After that was taken care of and they both were properly dressed, Dazai pulled Chuuya up on his feet and out of the room, down the stairs, leaving the house. It was still warm outside, but considering it was getting late it wasn’t too bad. And so the two of them walked along a chill route with barely any people, enjoying the comfortable temperatures.

“Did you ever talk to your parents about what these days are like?” Dazai asked. Chuuya shook his head and looked down, squeezing his hand. “I don’t wanna inconvenience them. They already have so much shit to deal with.” Dazai tilted his head. “But didn’t you say they know anyway?” Chuuya sighed. “They do. But there’s a difference between them feeling it and me actually telling them. If I tell them, it’ll make stuff so much more real. And knowing my parents, they’ll do whatever it takes to help me, which means extra stuff on top of everything. Therefore I gotta wait until the right moment. Some time where they have the capacity to actually look into this with me without going through too much additional stress.”

“So… You’re just sort of waiting it out? Fighting through life like this?” Dazai asked. Chuuya nodded. “Mhm. But that’s nothing new. Been like that basically since the start of middle school. I’m okay for now so-”, “-Oh are you, now?” …To which Chuuya just stopped in his tracks and looked down.

“Having problems for such a long time that they become your ‘normal’ is how it starts. You think you can take it, but eventually it’ll be too much. But by the time it’s too much, it might already be too late. And from then on, it just gets worse. Take it from the expert.” Dazai said, stepping forward and enclosing Chuuya in his arms, resting his chin on top of his head. Chuuya melted into the embrace and hugged back as Dazai continued.

“I’m telling you this ‘cause I’m worried about you, Chuu. I’m not gonna tell you what to do. But I don’t want anything to happen to you. You’re one of the most important people in my life, so I want you to be okay. Actually okay. None of that ‘I’m trying to not bother anyone’ stuff.”

Chuuya pulled his head back and looked up at him. “Y’know Zai… For someone with such severe issues you sure are good at giving advice that you probably don’t follow yourself.” To which Dazai just petted his boyfriend’s head and nodded. “Sure but… there’s a key difference between what that advice does for you and what it does for me.” Chuuya scoffed. “Oh yea? And what would that be?” 

“Easy. It’s the fact that you’re not a hopeless case.”

Chuuya’s eyes widened and he stepped back, grabbing Dazai by the shoulders. “And you’re saying you are?!”

Oh.

He actually didn’t mean to–

Well. Out it was then. He could only hope Chuuya would let the topic go. That was something Dazai would rather not unpack for a long time.

Shadows formed around him, creeping up from the very back of his mind where he kept all the things he’d rather not recall locked up and imprisoned. This was one of those things. Though it had always been too much to be kept back there where it could be forgotten. It would always, always , somehow manage to crawl out there.

Isn’t that basically what they said, too?

Dazai shook his head, trying to get rid of the thoughts. 

“I was just saying that I’m already at a point where basic advice like that won’t do much for me. I need… A whole different approach.”

Nice save.

Chuuya raised an eyebrow. “Really now?”

Maybe.

“...Not a topic I’d like to talk about just yet.” He settled on. Chuuya’s expression softened and his hold onto Dazai loosened. “Alright. Sorry ‘bout this then.” Dazai shook his head. “No worries. Still… Think about what I told you, okay?” Chuuya nodded. “I will.”

Saved. For now.

For how long? That was a different question.

“By the way. Thanks for- y’know, going out of your way to come check up on me.” Chuuya mumbled, cheeks flushing a little red. Dazai blinked, surprised, then let out a little chuckle and placed his hands on Chuuya’s cheeks, lifting his head and pressing a soft kiss to his lips. “Anything for you. You’ve already put so much time and energy into helping me on different occasions that it’s really the bare minimum I gotta do to give some of that love back to you.” Chuuya leaned into his hands. “You don’t gotta give me anything in return. …Though I definitely won’t complain about this.”

Dazai rested his forehead against Chuuya’s and closed his eyes.

“I have the most amazing boyfriend in the whole world so… I wanna do what I can to get as close to being just as amazing as he is. Bar’s pretty high tho. Got some serious work to do.” Chuuya softly booped his nose with his own. “I think you’re doing pretty damn great already, idiot Mackerel.”

===

“̵͍̦̣̰̥̏͆̓͒͂͒̀̕̚͢ͅH҈̛̗͈̾̽̍̾͢e̶̡̫͎̪͉̱҇̅̓̽͑͆̿’̵̜̳̫̱͓̥̩҇͑̽̃̈́̑͜ͅs҉̲̣͔͒̎͂̌̕͢ n̴͓̩̬͈̂̅͌̿͛̒̑̎͢͞e̷̢̯͇͈̗̯̠̱̱̓͑̄̀͠v̵̨̠̦̟̪̣͇̘͚͌̈̃̕ę̶͈̜̤̳͔̽̽̀̄̿͂̓͞r̴̮҇͂̎̄̑̂͢ͅ g̵̡̛̠̝͔̍̇́̀̌̂͑̚o҉̧͎̩̟͎̌̀͌͐͑̀͝n̶͙̩͖̟̱̽͗̑͌͆̈́͗͜͡n̵̛̖͔͒̓͌́̓̚͜ͅa҉̧͉͚̝҇̉̍̔͊ b̴̢͔̟́͐͝é̶̥̱̪̘̜̖̑̓̃͂͑̚͜͡ o̶͎̦͈̖͆͛̂̈́̈͢͠k҈̢̛̗̲́́͆ȁ̸̠̪̗͆̇͂̈̾̕͜y̷̧̫͕̙̥̙̱̫̖̓͌̍͠.̴̞͓͙̝̩̗̲͔̈͊̀̈́̿̔͌͢͝”̵̧̣̤̤͉̠̭̇̿͛̉͝

“̶͙̬̰͓̲̣͉̙̀̑͆͂̽̂́́͌̋̆̓Ī̴̜̟̳̠̫̮̰̗̦̟̞̎͂̈̐̓̈́̀̆̎̃̑̒̑̂’҈̭͕̯͕̬̘̣͉͗̍͑͊̊̔̇̆̀̑͋̽̄l҈̥̮̮͔̠̣͎̣̰̣͈͇̪̫̞͎̿͂̿͆́́̈́͑͗͐̋̀̚l̷̳̘͍̮̜̭̬̙̠͍͕͉̪͛͊͂̓̈̉̎̀́̓͆ b̴̥̜̜̘̬͎̪̮̘̮̬̙̳̑̒́̃ë̸̮̭̙̗̪̩̥̠̭͉̮̲̀̈́̆̋̍̈́̓̄̀͗͆ͅ ị̷̪̱̣̪͈̮̠̩͈͚̬̗̫́̌̒̚ͅm̶̜͔̲̜͚͉̠͇̱͔͔̝͉̝̤̣̄̒͂̚p̷̗͉͔͓̰͉̥͂́͒͑̆̉̀͌r҈͎͔̠͎̰̆̿͑͑̆̆̉̍ē̴̝͎͎̙̬͔͙͈̞̦̞͍̰̣̅̅̿̄̍̋̈́̀͒̌̇̿̒̉s҈̠͍̬̖̟͈̜͔̮͍̭͓̽́̒̋͑͆͊̽̈́̆̽̒͒̇͐s̵͚̟͓͎͇̫̖̘̥͍̃͗̀̅͐̓̑̿̄̒̚ė̴͎̘̩͔̱̦̜̲̟͓͖̭͊͑̏́͋d̷̘͇̮̜̟͚̬̫̝͎͕͐̉̃͂̆̊͌̌͆̇̓ͅͅͅ í̴͖͇͙̰̭͓̣̳̤̳͇̮̙̫̓̌̒̽ͅͅf҉͖̥̣͙̖̱̠̊̉̓̄̆ͅ h̸͍͇͍̯͈̤͐̈́̓́͌̃̓ͅe҈̲̦̣͎̬̗̯̮̤̝̦̇̽͆̆́̀̀͗̏̓̚ͅ è̵̘̭͙̰̭̰͔͔͛̒̉̏͋̀̄̀̀́͊̈̒̾v̶͍̱͙͖̲͓̠̠̰̬̽̃̿̋͑̓̂͛̆͆̽͒̽̓e̸̬̯̥̟̱͖̥̎̊͂͆͂̑̄̓̃͆̈̚ͅn̶̮̪̦̭̞̦̞͚͇̱̮̭͓̜̖̳̏́̔͛̂̓̀̉͆̈́̂̓̇́ m̸̤̲͎͇̩̲͌̉͋̍̆͗̐̏͗̓̓ǡ̸͙̞͇͍̽̇̇̔̒̆̿́k̵̩̙͓̣͔̫̟̅͐̈̋͊̅̚ė̸͕̱̟̞̦͉͎̟͖̭͖͑͌͌̎s̵͈͈̣̯̗̳̜͉̰̖̳̫͍̥̅̋͛͋̏́͆͑̆̎̚ i̴̪͙͉̭̝̯̙̊͑̅̇͂͗̌͋͆̇̒̍̐̒̐̓ͅť̴̳̱̝̰̙̤͈̰͍̤̫̮̭͉̪͊̌̃̈ p̶̞̠͙̟̬̰̃̉̿͗͋͆͊͊̀̽̈a҈̤̟̪͔̖̖̲̫͎̭̉̒̄͋̐̓͊̎͊̊̽̓̽̓͆s̵͉̞̯̦̤̞̘͒́͐̌̇́̎̈͋͐́̋̔̄t҉̖͓͇̱̲͈̞̦̦̥̝͓͓͙͎̾͑̑̐̓̐̾͗̑̐̒̅̂̾̑̊ h҉͇̘̣̞͖̇́̓̓̔͑̋̋͗͆̃̉͊̏i̵͚͔̪̤͋̓̉̋͊̀̏̿͑̑̍͋̃̓̚š̵̮̜̦̯̫̈́̂̎ͅ t̴̝͙͉͓̘̳͗̔͗̾̍̾̍̈́̅͛̏̀̚ǐ̷͎͖͔̪̩̮̮̞̮͚̳͓̩̈́̈́̄m҉̘͕͍̬̱̝͕̝͈̬̯̖͑̅͋̒̈́ẽ̷̩̘͓̱̙̘̝̬̬̙͈̟̥̊̅̋̇̒̀̾͗̆̓̿̇ͅ h̶̬̦͇͉̏̅̆̆̄͊̓̉̽̃̓̚è̵̜̦̜̱̙̝̠͈̓͌̍͋̍̐̑̔r҉͙̟͇̪̬̝̳̋͒̓̈́̅̾̓̾̈ẽ̴͚̥͍̠͔͙͈̩͕̫̎̈́̃̎͆̑̃̅̓͊.̶̱̬̜̯͈̲͖̟̝͈̀̃̈̒̐̾́̔̅”҈̜̫̫̭̣̬̤̇͛̍̐́͗

“̶̞͓͍̙͎̙̬̦̠͖̪̤͓̭͎̠͍͇̠̯̟̫̱̟̄͛͛͌͗͂͋̔̑͋͒͂̍́̀̅́̿̽̚T̸͉͇̜̳̙̝͔͕̮͙͉̉̇̔́͋̿̈̄̃͋̅̄̊̓͐ͅỏ̸̮̟͍̥͕̪͕̯̯̦̩̩͖̠̰̆̇͗̍̋̓̀́̏̽̽͒͊̂͑̆̿͌̔o̶̳̣̙̗̙̬̱͈̳̗͉̙̪͌͗͑̐͐͂̊̒̇̾́̀͗͋͂̑̓͌̉ f̵͇̪͖̱̳̟̤̭̭͎̯̜̱̗͈̑̆͗̿̐̾̓̏́͋̓̊́̒̏̆̒̆̀̃̔ͅř̵̩̝̬̮͕̣̗̟̟̮̟̘̗̪̬̲̘͚͓̳̘̉͆͐͂̄̏̓̀͂͒̅̉̋a̷̦͇̘̱͖̞̗̙̦̯̤͍̝̥͎͍͙̲͉̠̜̐̎̈̓̑͌͛̈̈́͆̌͌̈͐ĉ̵̦͙̘̜̞̫̥̣̫͙͎͙͚̮̖̮͖̰̩͙͚̝̗̞̇̆́̓̍̀̔̔̄̍́̌t̸̰̣̠̣̩̱̮̮̯̗̞̭̣̗̪̯̭̳̏̀͊̈̀̎̒͑̒͆̇̓̿͋̒̆͛͂̽͐̒͌ͅū̶̥͓̳͔̳̳͉̱͉͈̯̙̙̜͑͑́̀͛̂̿́̄͛͂͐̑͊̊͛̐́̃̈́̂r̵̖̠̞̭̙̱͖͔͕͔̠̜̠̥̭̲̝̰̃̔̈́̊̅̾̿͌̆̇̓͑̔͂̎ͅͅe̵̟̲͈̭̖̰̦͖̰̮̩͚̤̤̙̜̪̿͂̿̿̔̃̉̌͛͆̀͑̓͐͒͑̆̈̂̿̔̔͊̚d҉͔͓͔̲̭͔͔̙͎͍̗̭͊̑̔̊̐̇͛̅͌͑̊̾̒͋͋̓̈́͋͊̍̚̚ͅ,̸̣͔͓̗̱͍̩̖̮̩͓͚̌̀̋̿͂̿̈́́̂̿̆̂̍͊̇́̚ b̴̲̣̫̝̲̫̙̟͙͇͖̄̇̀̊̍͛̇̀̑̃̍̈́̔́̔̿̿̐̉ͅr̸͍̳͙͎̠̱̦͚̬̳̰͈͑͐̎͋̑̆̔̌̀̒̎̏̆́̾͌̌̀ͅͅó̵͕͇̰̬̲̮̥̮͓̖̳͔̪͈̭̫̝̊̅̈͌̋̃̋̂̿̒̓̉̅̿̆̿̃̚ͅk̷̞̣̲̗̣̜̣̱̭͍͚̦͚̊̎̄̏͛̑̇͒́̉̿̎́̎͗̀̌̆͑̋͋͂̚ͅẻ̸̱͖̥͔̘̥̯͙̱̝͇̮̩̮̞̤͖̍̆͆̽͋̈̍̍̑̿̋̄̓̈́͗̌ň̸̖̙͖͓̩̰͔̱̳̱̜̦̫̟̓̍̈̀̔̿̀͋͒̒̆̚,҈̞̠̦͉̝̳͖̩͇̜̫̬̖͚̩͚̟͇͓̗̝͙̜͆̓̅̅͛̓́͆͌͒̓̄̒̾̆̿͗̃̌ͅ š̴͙̰̤̤̩̙̯̯̦̖̦͕̣̙̝̲̀͒̈́̀̑͗́͛̂͌̌̈́̽̋̄̏̒̇̀͐̃̏̚ͅh҈̲̰͎͕͕̘͚̦̩͓͉͎̙̱͉̜͙̲̉̓̓̈́̀̿͛̂͋̑͌̏͑̈́̉̎͌̒͑͂͌ͅͅa̶͉͇̝̪̘̰̠̬̯͍̫͔͍̣͚̳͍̩̗̥̖͂̉̌̓͌̋͛̈́͗͊͌̚̚t̵̘̦͔̬̫͓͖͍̞̝̫͉͉̠̦̜͕͖̬͙̳͑̿͑̈̓̀̏͌̋̿̍̾͑̍͂͗ͅͅt̸̫͈͙͚̞̲͉̲̜̘̩̤͎̝̣̖͔͔̐̍͗͌̾̓͊͐̍̏̑̃͆̽̔́̎̈́̚e̸̙͚̟̖̥̲͍̟̳̤̬̤̱̗̳̜̓̿̐̀̐̋̏̔̎͛̄̍͂̋̽̿͋̃̊̓͐͛̚ŕ̷͈̯̥̥͚͚̰̥͙̘̖̪̣͕͕͇̮̝̩͇̳͓͎̮͗̎͒̓͗̈́̆̿̌̈̐̾̌̆̃͛͗̐̾͊̿̚e̵̮͖̩̠͔͔̝̞̰͙͕͓͙̪͙͔̫̗̣͈͚͖̒͗̏̍͒̈̍̈́̽́̃̓́̑̓d̸̞̲͚͖͈̝̝̞̫͖̬͚͚͓̂̏̀̄͋͋̿̈͒̀̿͗͒̚.҈̭̖̠̝̭̫̜͚͖͕͚̥͒́̇͊̄͒̊̀͂̃̏̎̾̑̐̌ W̸̟̠̞̗̱͈̝̯̥͚͖͕̟̮͈͉͔͇̖̩̲̤̫͐̐͗̋͐́͒̾̀̒̏̓̄e҉̭͖̟̙̤̥͙̮̭̦͖̪̜̠͇̃̏͑̽̊̀̍͗̎̇̇̎̾̅̊ͅ m̴̖̟̦̣̪͈͈͔̲͍̦̱̮͂͗͛̒̄͊̇̓̀̆͌́̽́̂̀̉͂͌̚̚̚̚ͅa̴̘͈̜̪̫̞͍̣̦̭͎̦͐̎̌̒̄͒̒́͐̄̇͋ͅỵ̶̫̜̦͙͓̗͎̫̦̦͈̰̮̦̩̯͈̒̉̓͆͗̊͂̃̾́̆͗̐̀͆̓͗̇̓͑̚̚̚ͅ a̸̠̟̖̰̲͚̞̲̬͍͚̲̫̖̣͕̋͛̿̐͌̈́̓͑́̉̅̅̽̆̿͑̂ͅͅś̴̠͕͙͓̗̰̦̗̭̫̱̠̜͇͇̗̦͓̮͓͚͒̃̅̍̾̋̆̔̀́̌̚̚̚ w҈̗̬̖͔̜͖͚̬̯͕͖̝̯̽̾͌̉̋̓͑́̾̉͆̐̍͛͊̂̃͌͗̐͆͒ẻ̸͔̳͙̳̤̥̣͓̦͔̟̱̗̜̰̦̪͋̓̆́̒̀́̂̄̈́͗̏̈̿̚ͅͅl̷̖̭̮͓͇͖̩̖̩͇̞̥̭̭͓̪͚͚͔̤̯̓̎́̐͒̇̋͆͒̌̅̒̎́̐̇̆̏̇̍́͒ḽ̸̬̠̦̞͙̟̭̥̗͓̫̩̫͔̦̏͌͌͌͋͑̔̄͛̋̋͆̈́̚ͅ k̴̥̬̫̝͕̖͉͕̳͇͔̞̰̙̣̬̬̥̝̿̃̀̀̏̔̽̉̓̄̈́̂́̚̚ḭ̴̮̗̭̩̠̝̘͈͓̖͚̟̓́̑͑̃́͂̏̃̿̎̓̑͛̅̑̍̒͆̿̂͌̆̇ͅl̶̟͇̱̲͓̰̮͎̥͎̤̟̮͓͔̭̓̔͋̎͊̽̉̀͋͛̌̓̆̚ḽ̶̙͇̥̙̱͇̫̠͇̙̞͓͖̜̘̤̭͔̠̠̿͌̄͐̉̌̏́͆́͊̌̾̿͂͒͆̓̓̈͛̄ͅ h̸͈͚̣̦̫͇͔̘͓̘̬̬͖̦̆͑̎́̎̊͋̿̍͌͋̌̑́͛̔͛͛̏͊͊̅í̴̠̝̙̖̯͙͇͈̦̱̦̫͈̫͎͕͍͛͛̉̔̑͒̽͌̊͊̚ͅͅm̸̳͉͖͕̣̤͉̭̘̤͔̰̦͎͔̪̪͓̩͕͕̊́͋͌̎͊̓̓͊̀̇͊̆͒̇̽̚ͅ o̸̗̭̳̩̱̫̝̞̪̝͖͉̮̪̘̣̯͈̩͍̱̙̳͚̒̍͛͛͌͂̍͊̊̈́͋̆́̒̄̂͂̅̓͆̒̆̄̚u̵̳̩͈̝̫͎̪̬̪̗̟̟̩͇̣̜̖̜̬͉̖̩͂̃͂̏̋̈́̒́́͋̊̓̑ͅͅř̷͔͙͖͖͔̤̪͍̟͕̮̟̯̈́̈́̀̎͌͋̍͂̀̒̽̔̓͛̎͐̄͐̈ͅs̴̥̫͖̯͎̪̲͖̯͔͚͙̝͉̩͕̖̫̫̳̊̅́̀͆͌̌͆͑͌̆͗͋̌̌̎̐̊̈̒͊̒̄̅ͅe҉̱̦͓̮̙͕͍̖̱̭͕͚̠̱̝̱͚̙̝͖̯̘̅͐̏͂̎̄̐̔͒̈̂͌̂̎̓͛́͆̎̊̚ͅl̶͙̟̰͕͖͈̖̦̯̬̩̣͓̭̩̙͎̯͓̳͑͑̐͂̀̿͋͋͆̑̈́͂͆̚̚ͅv̵̖͓̦̮̤͕͚̞̫̭̣͈̥̖̲̠͚̥̱͆̂̅̏͒̀̃̄̓͗͒̑̅̄̅̈̂̂̏e҉̩̤͚̲͚͇̫̙͉̖̥̘͕̪̤̞̙͕̳͍̟̓̈́̑͗͑̅͆̈̊́͂̎̒̾̔̉̀ͅͅs̵̪͙͕̮͈̝͖̥̝͓͔̬̠͐̃͂̍̇̅̒̓̍̓͛́͒̏̈͛̾̚.҉͍̟̟̥̰̪̗̙̩̭͈̮͚͚̣̥̪̖̠̦̬̭̝̀̈͆͐͒̋͆̇̂͆͐̔͑ I̵͖̬̙͙̝͉̰̱͖͕̜͕͖͉͓̔̆̑̒̐̅̀̄̉̎͌̀͐̉͑̇ͅͅf̴͔͈̯̟̰̬̙̜̟͖̜͚̳͎̜͎̭̲̳̰͚̈̆͗͑͆͛̑̈́͐̋̾͊̎̓̏̊̓̈́̏̚ w̶̫͕͎͈͖͖͎̮͕̗͕̤̯̥͚̬̩̠̳͚͙͋́̏͌́͋͗̂͗́̓̇̚ͅe҉͈̟͓͎̱̬̪͔͕̦̩̝̪̲͑̑͊̓̃̀͆̀̔̀̄̑́͐͊͒͆̀͐̇̚ͅ ḋ̸̞̤͚̟͚̥͙̥͎̪̱̤͉̰̦̭̥͈̦͈̟̦̈̆̇̐́̃̉̾͑͂͛̃ͅͅō̵̝͔̖̭͓̭̬̯̥̣̲̦͈̓̓̑̽̄͆͌͗͆̒͑͊̓n̴̳̞͕̥͔̘̱̳͚̘̱̗̞͈̫͈̦̝̬͇̬͕̦͋́́͑͑͌̍̑̔̓̅́̀͆͑̂̀̆̈̀̍͌͆’̶̲͉̫̠͇̰̦͙͙͓̤͓͓̥͉̣͔̥͈́̓͑̉̿̌͋̑̍͛͒̐̾̃̇̍̃̋͒̂̊ͅt҈͕̱̖̟̭͚̣͙͔̜͔͕̝͖͈̫̖̣̮͚̰̘͚̉̃̀̂͊̿͑͆̏̐͑̌́̾,҈̭͙̦̱͎̲͚͕̠͉̦̞̙̯̑́͋͆͗̑́̎̄̐̍͋̊ h̴̲̟͇̰̰̭̫͚͓͎̯̫̮͕̳͖̞̳̯̤̜͇̖̍̈͊͊͑͊̓̓͗̎͋̎͗͊̈̆̇͂̾̌̀͂͆̚e̷̥͓̤̠̱̱̠͉̳̙̖̮̘̪̤͇̱͉̘͂̉͗̀̀̆͋̅̾̔͒͊ͅ w̵̯̬̭̯̠̫͙̞̮̣̣̣̯͙̙̙̫̫͉̳̮̪̆̋̂̒̎́̔̀̂́̓͛̄̂̀̇̀͆̾̏̃͋̚̚i҉̳͕̦̲̳̖̞͚͎̗͍͓̮͌̋̑͋̌͒͂̇̈́̐̌̅̀͂̂̃͆͑́̾̚l̶̫̪̜͖̯͉̤̰̮̝͇͇͔̞̲͉̗͉̱͂̓̐̇͋̏̈̀̐͌̆͐̓͂͛̃l̴̟͙̬̪̮̯͈͓̘̫͇̖͚͓̰̘͇̥̜̓́̋̑̑́̔̈́̊̔̓̄̀̂͌̏̔̏̽.̷̮͇͔̗͈͔̙͚̞̖͉̥͎͐̊̓̔̋̑͒̌̊͆̃̓̽͗̀͆̎̂͛̿̎̌͑́ͅ”̴̦̭̗͔̱̩̥̠̩̳̰͉̙͕̜̠̥̠͖̞̤̳̑̈̾̈̔̽͗͆́̍̎̈́͊͑́̍̆̐̊͐͂̃͊ͅͅ

Chapter Text

It was slowly getting colder once more as autumn slowly settled in. Soon enough, the trees would lose their leaves and the arguably best summer of Dazai’s life slowly came to a close. Though that was okay, as it just meant that what was hopefully gonna be the best autumn of his life was right around the corner.

“I have no idea how you’re so easily surviving this.” Dazai shuddered, hugging himself close. Chuuya handed his water bottle back to Dazai with a shrug. “Enough determination does the job. Plus: We’re running around, so it’s only half as bad. That being said: You do know that you don’t have to be here, right, idiot?” Dazai just shrugged. “Well, I’m awake anyway so… Might as well.”

“Nakahara? Stop flirting with bandages and come back! Or we’ll continue playing without you.” One of Chuuya’s teammates called out. Chuuya huffed amused and shook his head. “Coming!” He yelled back, before turning to look at Dazai and throwing his jacket at him. “Alright. But if it gets too cold don’t force yourself to stick around.” Dazai took the jacket and put it on. “Yea yea, got it.” And then Chuuya was off to run back to the others.

Dazai stared at his boyfriend and the rest of the soccer team, contemplative, the words of the one guy stuck in his mind. It was something that happened a lot lately. Dazai wasn’t deaf. He heard it in their class, in the halls, everywhere. A rumor about Chuuya having a crush on the depressed weirdo who’d become part of his friend group over the past few months. A rumor that wasn’t actually a rumor.

The two of them weren’t public about their relationship. …That being said, they weren’t exactly hiding it though. Holding hands and hugging in public. Hanging out together in places and situations one of them didn’t have much to do with (Like Dazai watching soccer practice). Exchanging small kisses and acts of affection when they felt like no one was watching (though also in situations where it was easy to accidentally stumble upon them).

Chuuya didn’t mind their comments. That being said, he wasn’t the one who had to listen to the jealousy of others. After all, no one wanted Dazai. Chuuya tho… That was a different story.

“Are the rumors true?” Someone asked from behind him. Dazai turned over and came face to face with some random girl from another class., looking nervous and slightly upset. “Is he actually gay?”

Dazai just shrugged and turned back to watch the team. “Why are you asking me ? Shouldn’t he be the one to answer that?” She shook her head. “I can’t just ask him that! Come on! You know him, right?” Dazai shrugged. “Sure. but something like that, even if I knew, wouldn’t be my place to tell anyway.”

Apparently, that made her more upset and she crossed her arms. “You’re really rude weirdo, you know? I have no idea what he’d even see in you!” Dazai sighed. It was normal. But that didn’t mean it wasn’t annoying. “Well. Clearly more than he sees in you, considering chose to hang out with me out of his own free will.” He responded. That seemed to be enough to shut her up as she quickly turned around and speed-walked towards the school.

Dazai could deal with the jealousy. It was annoying, sure, but that was it. What was the worst that could happen? More people trying to make his school life difficult? Wasn’t that just what he was currently fighting back against anyway? Practice makes perfect.

Chuuya, who’d been watching him from afar, sent him a questioning glance. Dazai gave him a thumbs up gesture which seemed to calm him down enough to focus back on his game and in turn give Dazai the opportunity to focus on watching him.

—

“You sure you want to post this? Once it’s up it won’t ever be able to be properly erased anymore.” Dazai asked, hovering over the upload button. He, Chuuya, Shirase and Yuan were huddled up in the pillow/mattress fort in the corner of the studio. Chuuya was completely cuddled up against Dazai’s side while the others excitedly sat in front of them. “Heck yea!” They all responded at the same time.

Dazai pressed the upload button and the video processed, until YouTube told them it was up.

‘Dusk Till Dawn campfire cover’

Well, what can Dazai say? Chuuya’s voice was beautiful and so was his music. Therefore they all decided to blur out their classmates in the video Dazai took and upload it to YouTube on the freshly made channel of The Sheep. Sure, they weren’t expecting a massive amount of clicks, but they at least shared it around on their social media accounts so there’d surely be some people (mostly from their school and social circles) who would watch it. All good and fun. They weren’t looking for fame after all.

“Can’t believe you really recorded the whole damn thing.” Chuuya mumbled, face half-buried in Dazai’s shoulder. It had been a long day and it was late, so it was perfectly normal to be tired. 

“I felt like I had to!” Dazai responded, leaning back against the wall. “And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t regularly listen to it when I try to sleep. Your voice sure has a certain power to it.”

Chuuya immediately raised his head and looked at him, surprised. “I can..- Put you to sleep?!” Dazai gave him a small nod. “Sometimes it makes my brain go all quiet. And then I’m at peace.”

…To which Shirase and Yuan exchanged a confused look before they looked up at him. “I can’t tell if you’re giving Chuuya a compliment, or if you’re trying to tell him he’s boring.” Though Chuuya understood. Chuuya understood without a word and he hugged Dazai close. “It’s a compliment.” He stated. It wasn’t a question, it was a fact. And he didn’t even have to ask Dazai if it was true, because he knew it was. “...And I’m absolutely going to record more songs like that and send all of them to you so you can have a sleeping playlist.” Dazai snickered quietly. Chuuya really was the most caring boyfriend he could’ve gotten.

“Yea yea, you love each other, we get it. The PDA is making me wanna throw up.” Yuan said, exasperated, rolling her eyes. Chuuya loosened his hold on Dazai and pulled back a little. “Okay okay, sorry.” He responded, amused.

“Y’know what this calls for?” Shirase asked, stretching and grinning at them. “A studio sleepover! And we can pick which songs we wanna perform and upload next! Dazai. You get to be the cameraman and the editor! And once we’re all famous and stuff, you get a part of our immeasurable riches!” Dazai raised an eyebrow. “Do I get a choice?” …Which was immediately responded to with an in sync ‘No’. 

“Alright… I guess I’ll have to do it then.” He lamented, dramatically.

…But as he texted his aunt to bring over some of the stuff he could need for a sleepover, he couldn’t help the small smile tugging on his lips.

—

“That boyfriend of yours has an amazing voice, by the way.” Kiye said as she placed a fresh tray of apple cake on the counter next to him. Dazai absent-mindedly grabbed the corresponding knife and started cutting the cake into equal pieces. “Right? Sometimes he even sings for me. Especially when we’re having a sleepover and the insomnia hits. He’s just right there, making everything better.

Carefully, piece by piece, he transferred the cake into the display. “...I assume you saw the video then?” Kiye hummed and leaned on the counter. “Of course. I just had to when I saw my nephew post an ominous link in the story of the social media account he barely uses for anything. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I definitely wasn’t disappointed.”

They were quiet for a moment and soon enough, Dazai was done with the cake display. Right. He never used his Instagram. He probably should. Though what was he even supposed to post? And, probably even more importantly, what could he post that, should his father see it, wouldn‘t have any too horrible consequences. Therefore boyfriend pictures of Chuuya were probably off-limits for now. 

He sure as heck wasn‘t gonna post pictures of himself. That was a level of confidence he didn’t possess quite yet.

But what if he..—

His thoughts were interrupted when the bell above the door rang. He raised his head to greet the customers… 

…And immediately ducked behind the counter, trying to remain completely out of sight.

Kota and some of his friends.

Kiye, being the amazing person she was, didn’t even grace him with a look or a motion or anything that could possibly indicate his presence hidden behind that counter. Instead she just took their orders like everything was perfectly fine and sent them off to a table far enough away that they wouldn’t hear Dazai whisper.

“Those are some of the school people I told you about.” Dazai whispered. Kiye responded with a small nod. “Got it. Do you want me to get their orders to their table?” Dazai gave her question some thought, then shook his head. “Prepare them, sure. But I wanna take them to their table. Just gotta mentally prepare.” Kiye chuckled and then nodded. “Alright.” Before she turned over to the coffee machine, preparing their stuff.

As Dazai sat on the floor, hiding and collecting himself, he tried to listen in on their conversation. And…

“Man, I’m so jealous. It’s been what? A few days? And the video is at over 5000 clicks! How’s it that so many people keep listening to him?” An unidentifiable voice asked.

“Well, he’s good! You gotta give him that!” Another voice responded. This one, Dazai recognized as Ataki. “Good at singing, popular, a pretty boy, has a bunch of friends, even from other schools. Of course he’s gonna reach so many people!”

“It’s a shame.” Ah. There he was. Kota. “Popular, could have anyone in the entire school, and yet somehow he just had to pick the weirdo as his new ‘bestie’ or whatever.” The guy complained before another unfamiliar voice spoke up. “Careful there Kota. You almost sound jealous, you know?”

Kota audibly slammed his hands on the table. “Like HELL I’m jealous! Who wants to hang out with the guy anyway?! Sure he’s popular, but so am I! I don’t give a damn who he hangs out with!”

…Oh you absolutely do give a damn.

“But like- doesn’t popular usually seek popular? Why’s it gotta be him?! He’s like- barely a person!” Ouch. That one kind of hurt. Dazai added it to the list of things he was gonna make the guy pay for.

“Kota, bud. I mean this in the nicest way possible. But I don’t think insulting that Dazai guy the way you do is gonna make Nakahara like you any more. Those two have gotten like- super close. Everyone can see it. I’ll be damned if that Nakahara having a crush rumor isn’t real.” Another unfamiliar voice spoke.

…Which, according to the silence, Kota decidedly did not like.

“Him?! Having a crush on the weirdo?! Come on now! He could do so much better! Why would he like that guy?! Surely that’s not- I mean- He can’t. He wouldn’t.” And then he went quiet.

“Better?” Ataki asked. “What. Like you? Y’know what Kota… If I didn’t know you were dating Lee I’d almost believe you actually secretly have a crush on Nakahara.” And instead of the instant denial everyone, including Dazai, probably expected… Kota didn’t say a word.

Oh.

“Hold up- Kota- I was messing with you- Why do you look like–”, “SHUT UP. It’s not like that. Sure, he looks good enough and he’s really good at the music stuff he does. But that’s really it guys! I just don’t get why he’d be interested in the weirdo.”

Teasing whistling sounds from Kota’s friends. Meanwhile Dazai felt like he’d explode any moment. Not of rage, not of disbelief, but of laughter.

Ammunition. I can use that. 

Dazai really couldn’t wait to tell Chuuya.

Kiye gave him a subtle signal and Dazai rolled over to the ‘Staff Room’ door behind the counter like some spy dude from a movie. Once inside he got up, quickly checking to make sure there was no dirt or dust on his clothes, and then he put on a really convincing performance of stepping out of the staff room. And of course his aunt, once again being the best, easily played along.

“Dazai! Can you get those orders to the young gentlemen at table 8?” She asked, loud enough for Kota and his group to hear, but not loud enough to sound suspicious. And the way Kota instantly went pale was a sight Dazai would never forget.

“Of course Kiye-san!” He responded in an overly cheerful voice, putting his best customer service smile on his face as he grabbed the tray and carried the orders to the table. And with every step he took to get closer, Kota seemed to shrink in his seat. His friends also didn’t look like they were doing too hot.

“Cake and coffee for the gentlemen at table 8.” Dazai announced with a grin, setting the tray down as he transferred the orders to the table. And just for good measure, he made sure to accidentally slam Kota’s coffee down so hard that some of it splashed out of the mug and onto the guy’s shirt.

“Oh dear, I’m really, really sorry.” He then apologized, fairly certain that everyone could hear the sarcasm in his voice. “YOU.” Kota hissed loudly. But Dazai didn’t react in any way as he just ‘helped’ him wipe some of the coffee away with a paper towel (just making it look even worse) before picking up the tray and holding it in front of his own chest like a protective shield, his expression as exaggeratedly innocent as he could manage. “I really didn’t mean to. I’m so sorry.”

As if.

Kota looked at him suspiciously, then pulled his coffee closer and gave him a look. “How much did you hear.” He demanded. But Dazai just shrugged and took a step back. “Hear what?” He just asked. And it seemed just convincing enough for the guy to both drop the topic, but still remain incredibly wary.

“Actually, fuck off and let me enjoy my coffee, weirdo. I’m never coming back here.” He grumbled.

Good .

Dazai thought.

I don’t want you here anyway.

Dazai didn’t add anything else to the conversation and just returned to the counter. …And once there, he discreetly high-fived his incredibly innocent-looking aunt under everyone’s line of sight before actually returning to the staff room and immediately pulling his phone out on the way to text his friends.

Group Chat:

The Sheep

You:

Guys.

You:

Get in here right now.

You:

You’ll never believe what I just witnessed.

—

“I hope you know that this is the funniest fucking thing I’ve heard in a long time.” Chuuya said. Dazai huffed, amused. “And I hope you know that I had a very, very hard time containing my laughter throughout the entire situation. Really should’ve had Kiye film the whole thing. You should’ve seen his face when he realized I was there!”

They had met up on a random playground somewhere in the general vicinity of the coffee shop, sitting on top of one of these really big rope pyramids that you can climb on, because Chuuya insisted on hearing every single detail of the story that had just transpired in there about an hour ago.

Dazai felt his boyfriend nudge his side, turning over to see him laughing. “I fucking love the coffee thing you did, by the way. Getting more petty by the day, are we?” Dazai shrugged, amused. “It’s been years of having various school people terrorize me. Now it’s my turn to be an asshole.” Chuuya’s laughter grew louder. “And I fucking love you for that! Petty Dazai is great. I like him.”

For a minute or two they just sat there, allowing their laughter to calm down bit by bit. Then Dazai sighed and leaned on his boyfriend. They were hanging out in the most unstable, wobbly place on this playground, but Dazai loved it all the same. And he trusted Chuuya to not let him fall, even when putting almost his whole weight on him.

“So… What are you gonna do with that information?” Dazai asked. Chuuya shrugged. “Same as always. I’m not gonna talk to him first, that’s for sure. Usually, I’d wait for the person in question to confess so I can properly reject them. …Though if that guy ever does that, I will make absolutely sure to tell him everything that is wrong with him and all the things that precisely make me not want to date him. …Which is everything about him. In both cases. But I’ll tell him anyway!”

Dazai’s heart felt warm and fuzzy at Chuuya’s words and he threw his arms around his boyfriend in a soft hug. “...And would you tell him you’re taken already, too?” He then found himself asking. “Not just in his case, but also in general..?”

Chuuya pulled back and looked at him softly. “Are you even ready for that? Y’know, the rumors and stuff.” Dazai nodded. He was ready. For this part at least.

“...As long as we don’t explicitly confirm anything?” He asked. To which Chuuya smirked widely and squished his cheeks. “Fuck yea! Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone your name. I will, however, happily tell those interested that I’m taken.”

…Which was a start, right? And Dazai was sure that with time, there’d come a day where he wouldn’t be that scared anymore. Where he could tell the world that he was Chuuya Nakahara’s boyfriend. For now though, this was enough.

The shorter intertwined their hands and Dazai squeezed him right back. And when Chuuya pulled out his phone to take a picture of their hands (Making sure Dazai’s bandages stayed out of frame) and posted it on his public Instagram account with an ominous blue heart as the caption, Dazai didn’t stop him. Just held onto him tighter. …Though as he was about to like the picture once it was posted, he was suddenly jumpscared by the device starting to ring, barely managing to catch it from falling down.

Though as he looked at it properly, he really quickly realized that this wasn’t Kiye like he first expected, no.

Instead, the contact name that flashed on the screen was one that made him freeze in place. One he hadn’t seen in literal years .

‘Mom’ is calling…

What the fuck.

Dazai almost dropped his phone, immediately putting Chuuya on high alert mode. “Zai? What’s–” But then he took one look at the screen and it seemed like he understood instantly.

Dazai’s heart sped up. And not in a good way. It felt uncomfortable, it felt like it was gonna jump out of his chest, it hurt. It hurt so much, beating against his ribcage and taking his ability to breathe properly away as though it was nothing.

Dazai stared at his screen.

Did something happen?

Was something wrong with his mother?
Was it the clinic who took her phone and called?
Was it a random stranger?

Had her phone gotten lost somehow?

Had his father somehow gotten his hands on it..?

It rang. And rang. And rang. And Dazai’s heart beat quicker and quicker and quicker. But his hand was too shaky to even consider clicking the ‘accept’ button. So shaky, in fact, that he was literally a millisecond away from actually dropping his phone when…

Chuuya’s hand gently came to hold Dazai’s, supporting both him and the phone.

Chuuya’s other hand carefully guided Dazai’s other hand to press the accept button and the speaker button right after.

“It’s okay.” Chuuya whispered, pressing a kiss to his cheek. And it gave Dazai enough strength to speak .

“Osamu Dazai speaking.” He said.

“Osamu?” A voice responded. And it was definitely his mother’s voice.

“Mom?” He asked, shaky.

A broken, almost sob-like sound came from the other end of the line and Dazai’s grip on his phone tightened. “Osamu? Is that really you..? Is that really my son I’m speaking to?” She whispered. Dazai swallowed the lump in his throat. “Yes I am.” He responded.

She wasn’t calling him ‘Shuuji’.

Her voice wasn’t empty. 

Sure, it sounded sad and exhausted.

But it sounded alive .

“Mom..? Am I really speaking to you? The real you?” He asked, just for confirmation. “Yes, you are.” She responded softly, audible tears in her voice. “The real me. Not the psychotic one. T- This is the first time they let me have my phone, and it’s not for long for today but… I had to talk to you. I needed to talk to my son.”

Dazai could cry. Actually, screw that. He was crying. Unless there was a different explanation why his eyes and cheeks suddenly felt so wet. Chuuya, recognizing that he’d calmed down a little, removed one hand from supporting Dazai’s phone and wrapped him in a protective half-hug instead.

“Where are you right now?” His mother asked. Dazai took a shaky breath. “O- Outside. On a playground.” He responded. “Are you alone?” She continued. Dazai took one look at Chuuya, then at their deserted surroundings, then shook his head. Another breath. “No. I’m with someone. But he’s trustworthy. And he knows .”

“Good.” His mother spoke in that quiet, alive voice. “That’s good.”

Dazai curled himself closer into Chuuya’s side and Chuuya held him tight. Like he was keeping him together so he wouldn’t fall apart.

“How are you, mom?” Dazai asked.

“Better.” She responded. “It’s been a few weeks since I started gaining more awareness of my surroundings. And since then it’s been lots of therapy. Though it is going quite slow. I still.. Don’t remember most of it. These past few years, they’re completely blank. All I know is that it got really, really bad.”

Dazai let out a bitterly soft chuckle, holding his phone more tightly. Like it was something precious to be protected. Because right now it was.

“That’s one way to put it, I guess.” He mumbled. His mother sighed. “I’m so, so, so sorry, Osamu.. The past years must’ve hurt you a lot. I wish I could’ve been there with you. Instead you had to watch over me instead. It never should’ve gone so far.”

Dazai buried his face in Chuuya’s shoulder, trying to wipe off his tears. “No, mom. Don’t apologize! None of this is your fault. You never did anything wrong! You protected me so much when I was younger. So when everything got too much for you, it was my turn to do the same. Plus: I have Aunt Kiye. So I wasn’t all alone. Sure, it hurt, a lot, and so much happened. But.. It wasn’t your fault! It was all that monster.”

A sad, quiet chuckle from the other end of the line. “Oh Osamu… You’re still as sweet and protective as ever, aren’t you? My beloved son. I missed you so, so much.” Dazai let out a strangled sob. “I missed you too, mom.” He then responded. There was so much to talk about… And he had no idea where to even start.

“So, how have you been sweetie? Lately, and also in general.” She asked.

“Pretty bad, all things considered. Been getting worse over the years.” He responded, honest. His mother sucked in a sharp breath, sounding so concerned already. But before she could keep talking, Dazai interrupted her.

“But-”

His mother went quiet. “...But?”

“Over the past few months, since April, some things have been slowly getting better. I.. Met.. Someone… Someone really important to me. And through him, I met other people too. And they’ve been helping me a lot so… Right now, I- I’m okay. Not perfect, not great, not even good but… I’m so much better than I’ve been for over a decade. And my life’s finally moving forward, little by little. It’s slow, but it’s still progress. …Like with you and your therapy. It’ll take a while but.. I think the sky has finally started clearing up a bit.”

His mother sounded a little relieved and hummed softly. “Someone special, hm? Can you tell me more?” She asked. Dazai looked over at Chuuya, then at his phone again. “It’s.. A long story. We probably won’t have enough time until the clinic staff take your phone away again. A- And I think you should give Aunt Kiye a call too. She would be so happy to hear from you like this…” He mumbled.

“You might just be right.” His mother responded. So… This was probably goodbye, for a while, at least.

“Then, would you like to visit me some time? To catch up properly?” She asked, to which Dazai’s eyes widened and he looked up. “You’re saying..-”

“The staff suspects that by the time Christmas comes around, I’ll be ready to have someone come visit me. They.. Also told me that you’re not too fond of this place. But I wanted to ask anyway. So, if you have time during winter break, maybe–”

“Yes.” Dazai immediately responded. Seeing his mother again. Hopefully with a clear mind. Getting to talk to her face to face, maybe even hug her, he wanted all of that so, so much.

“Then I can’t wait, Osamu. And I hope there’ll be many opportunities to call you and just talk to you until then as well.” Dazai watched as his own tears dripped on the screen. They still weren’t stopping. And they probably wouldn’t stop anytime soon. “I hope so too.” He whispered, barely audible. “I love you, mom.”

It felt so good to be able to say the words out loud. 

To have her actually listen.

“I love you too, Osamu.” She responded. “Tell that special person of yours that I want him to take care of you and watch over you, alright?” 

Dazai didn’t respond, too overwhelmed with her words. But Chuuya, Chuuya did.

“I will, Mrs Tsushima. I promise.”

She let out a small, audible gasp. “Are you..-”

“Chuuya Nakahara. And I swear on my life that I will take care of him.” And when Dazai’s mother spoke again, there was a small smile in her voice.

“I will hold you to that promise then, Nakahara-kun. So don’t break it, understood?” Chuuya’s hold onto Dazai tightened. “Understood.”

Voices from the other side of the line. The woman sighed. “Phone time is almost up. So I will hang up and go give Kiye a call with the rest that’s left. I hope to talk to you soon. Both of you. Send me a picture eventually? I barely remember what my own son looks like. It would make me happy.” She said softly.

“We will.” Dazai responded “Talk to you soon, mom.”

“Talk to you soon, sweetie.”

And then she was gone.

Dazai released a breath he didn’t even know he was holding as he shoved his phone into his pocket. And then he broke down in Chuuya’s arms, clinging onto him for dear life, his emotions too much to even process properly.

His mother. She was really, really coming back.

She was alive.

She was talking to him.

He was gonna have a chance to meet her again.

Thankfully, Chuuya didn’t seem in a hurry to let him go, only whispering soothing, nonsensical words and pressing kisses against the top of his head over and over again, guiding him through all of it and offering him the exact comfort he needed.