Archive of Our Own ^beta

If there was one thing I was certain of, was not to be certain of anything anymore. It sounded weird, but for me it made sense. I was certain I could help everyone, and I failed. I was certain I hated Zelos, at first. At that, too, I failed.

When I first met him, I had the same impression as everyone else. Pompous, presumptuous, and arrogant. (Let’s not mention his cruddy jokes and his attraction toward any woman.)

The thing is that, as I traveled with him, I realised that’s what he wanted us to see. He showed us that part of him, so that we couldn’t see other things.

Things like how much he cared about everyone in the group. How fast he was to cast a healing spell whenever he could.

How perceptive he was of everyone's mood. How fast he was to make a fool of himself just to undermine tension after a long day.

So I started watching him more closely. And as I did that, I realised I barely scratched the surface of who the Tethe’alla’s chosen really was.

Zelos was so much on my mind sometime, that I realised only when I crossed his eyes that I was staring. He’d always switch when he did that. Like, he would be lost in his own thoughts, red brow furrowed in concern at whatever happened in his mind, and then he would look up to me and would just… Stupidly grin, an eyebrow raising in a silent question. Most of the time I just looked away and he’d let it slide, chuckling to himself for a reason I couldn’t understand.

Until one day he did not let it slide. 

We had stopped to make camp, and I was carving a small piece of wood to ease my mind. Everyone else was slowly settling to sleep, Colette brushing and braiding her hair, Raine finished to write the day’s event in her journal, Sheena checking on traps she created with her seals to ward off monsters, Genis and Regal softly talking about tonight’s recipe and how to improve it.

I stopped and watched them potter around, when my eyes found Zelos. He just finished setting up our tents. Four, two for girls and two for guys. I was sharing mine with Genis at first, but then he got bored of me kicking him in his sleep, so he asked Zelos to swap. Purposely, hoping I would kick him instead.

Either I never did, either Zelos never complained, which I find highly unlikely, or he’s a very, very hard sleeper, and I… Did not think he was either.

I watched as he wiggled our bag inside the tent and sat inside. As if sensing me, he looked up and locked eyes. I stopped breathing for a second. He smiled once again, stood up and walked over.

“So what's the deal, bud? I'm too handsome, you can't peel your eyes off me? I noticed you watching me a lot the last few weeks, you know.”

He flopped down on the dead wood I was sitting on, smirking. I felt my face grow red and returned to my carving without answering.

“Can't blame you really, I know everyone wants to get a piece of the Great Zelos Wilder.”

I snorted and he dramatically gasped, placing a hand over his heart.

“Come on. I know you are watching me.”

“What if I am? I feel like you are hiding something.”

Against all odds, I felt him tense for a second before relaxing forcefully. Forcefully? I struck a nerve, apparently. He started drumming a rhythm on the wood.

“And what would that be, pray tell?”

I shrugged, carving out some more wood onto my cat figure.

“I'm not sure. That's why I keep eyes on you. I feel like-... like you feel alone. And sad.”

To my surprise, Zelos turned to me with bewilderment on his face. His lips parted and his (oh so blue) eyes wide. And there it was. That weird vulnerability for a second, before he hid it with a smirk not quite reaching his eyes.

“Awww, bud, you're worried for me?”

“‘Course I am. You're a friend, Zelos.” I replied immediately, placing away my tool and standing up to stretch. A satisfying pop in my spine had me sighing then I gestured to Zelos. “Come on, let's go to sleep.”

I heard him follow me, and I tried to ignore the beating of my heart. The truth was, we did not often bother with the tents. But when we felt like it and weren't too pressed by time, we used them. And I liked it, it gave me an excuse to be close to Zelos.

As it was now. I was already in my sleeping garment, shorts and a tank black top, in my sleeping bag, that Zelos was still busy braiding his hair after giving his red lock a good brush.

At first it annoyed me, how long he was to go to sleep. But then I started to watch him doing it and it was… kind of therapeutic. It lulled me.

But tonight he was unusually silent, eyes lost in front of him. I could barely see him, but he always conjured a little firefly to light up the tent, which glowed low in the dark.

“Zelos ?” I whispered.

He literally wiped his head toward me, eyes wide, his curl of hair twirling in the motion. I cringed.

“I- I’m sorry if I offended you in any way.”

There was a second of silence where I saw him visibly relax his shoulder. He placed his brush aside and sighed, wriggling closer.

“You did nothing of the sort. I just never thought… I did not take you for such a perceptive person.”

I sat up, staring at him but stayed silent. If Zelos was about to open up a bit, I wouldn't want him to feel forced.

He was staring down, his hair partially hiding his face.

“It is kind of lonely, despite my sayings, being the chosen here in Tethe'alla. They control our every move. Our very life. They chose who I was to marry as soon as I was born. No matter what I do, how much I think I am in control- I’m not.”

I felt my heart clench upon hearing that. Without thinking, I reached out and placed my hand on top of his. He tensed, so I immediately pulled away, but he turned his palm and caught my finger, squeezing it  like it was a lifeline.

“The thing when I travel with you is that- Sometimes I start to believe we can make a change. And I don't-”

“Of course we can ! We will reunite the two worlds, Zelos! I promise you we will ! You won't have to be a chosen anymore! Trust me.”

He let out a slight chuckle, breathy. Vulnerable. Like I never heard before. Next thing I knew, he leant his head on my shoulder, his forehead warm against my skin and I tried not to think too much about our sudden closeness. I smelled a strong scent, probably Zelos's hair product or shampoo. It smelled good, like spice and warmth. I fought against the urge to bury my nose against his red hair. They looked so soft, even in the dim light.

“Trust you, huh?” Zelos mumbled softly, his hand now playing distractly with mine.

“Chosens won't be needed anymore, once the worlds will be reunited.” I replied.

“Hm. That's a nice thought.”

I’m not sure who moved first and who followed, but as we spoke, we flopped back together on our bedrolls, and Zelos was downright cuddling me, his head using my shoulder as a pillow, and our hands still locked over my chest.

And somehow I was okay with that. I stared at the darkness, the firefly disappearing after a snap of Zelos's fingers. My heart was hammering in my chest and I’m sure Zelos could hear it. He made no comment over it tho.

“Once everything is done, is there something you wanna try or do?” Zelos asked in a whisper.

I passed my trapped arm around his shoulder, marveling by the feel of his hair under my hand. It was as soft as it looked.

“Hmmm. Like a checklist or something ? I haven't though about it. You?”

“Why of course, I'll go and give some love to all my hunnies.”

I groaned. “Zelos…”

He chuckled more softly, the breath tickling my collarbone.

“I'll go and invite my sister to live at the manor if she wants.”

“You have a sister?”

“Yeah. It's… complicated, I'll tell you another time. If- you want to know.”

“I do. But tell me when you’re ready, it's okay.” I  started to stroke his hair as I whispered back. Part of it was us being used to the others shushing us every time we talked before sleep (which we did, often. Not with the cuddling bit tho) and I feel part of it was because of that strange mood that settled upon us.

“Thanks, bud.” I felt him move and the next second, he was pressing a kiss against my jaw, before nuzzling back on my shoulder.

My hand all but gripped Zelos's hair as I realised what happened, my heart doing more summersault. I swore I heard him chuckle gently.

“A-Anytime, that's what friends are for.” I babbled back. Zelos just hummed, but stayed against me during the night.

I never slept that well before.

--

After that, I feel like we gravitated toward each other more. Taking seats next to each other during meals, walking together to our next destination.

Zelos often hugged me from behind, using his height against me, leaning on my back as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I often acted offended but the truth was I liked it.

It was different from Collette's hug. Where she was all soft, Zelos was all bones and hard muscle.

And I still liked it.

--

So used to being with everyone (and Zelos), I paced the floor of the deluxe hotel room I got. Apparently I had won a deluxe suite for being their whatever eth client. But I was only allowed one person with me. I wanted to ask Zelos but I was afraid. What would the others think? And Zelos? Was it really okay for two guys to enjoy each other’s company so much that sometimes we just held hands before going to sleep?

I finished the cat sculpture I was working on, finally. But now alone with no one to talk to, I felt restless. Until someone knocked at my door.

I immediately jumped to my feet to open, and my heart leapt up in joy seeing Zelos. He made himself comfortable, wearing a soft, semi transparent night blue wardrobe over his usual white tee and pants for sleep. His hair, however, where not braided for sleep yet.

As he looked back at me once I opened, he threw me one of his trademark grin.

“Do you know you're missing out??”

He waltzed into the room as I closed behind him.

“You could have asked one of our lovelies hunnies to share your room with and you didn’t. A shame really.”

He walked directly to the balcony, leaning his hands against the railings and breathing in. A small wind fluttered his red locks and his robe. I found myself following without thinking, attracted like a moth to a light.

“I couldn't decide. I was afraid you guys would get jealous or offended.” I admitted sheepishly.

“Hm. So we decided for you and voila. Here I am. Not too sad it wasn't our cute little angel?”

I shook my head no with a grin.

“I'm glad you're here, Zelos! I always enjoy your company!”

He paused to look at me, a curious fondness in his eyes. Did I say something weird? But he quickly replaced it with one of his trademark grins.

“Aw I knew it, you want tips on how to get hunnies to like you!.”

I groaned in frustration.

“Hur, Zelos…”

“Hehe. Just messing with ya, bud.” He bumped our shoulders together and stayed there, his warmth radiating next to me as he gazed upon the sea with a soft smile. I loved when he got like this. When he allowed me to see another side of him, softer and less snarky. I eyed his profile, his pale skin illuminated by the moonlight, his blue eyes framed by those long red eyelashes. My gaze fell upon his hands, longer and slender than mine. Softer too. But strong despite their look. I wanted to take his hand in mine again. Like we did almost every night now.

But somehow it felt less natural than when we were ready to sleep, which-... Didn't make sense, did it?

“Man, this view never gets old.” Zelos breathed.

“I suppose. I prefere forests and rivers over the ocean but it is beautiful. You come here often?”

“Almost every winter since-” He grimaced. “You know.”

Right. We spent a night in Flanoir, and he explained about his mother. How he grew up. Where his sister was and how he felt because of all that. Because of that damn title. I cried for him that night, as he laid bare his heart to me, and he held me close after, thanking me for a reason I couldn't understand. His voice had been so soft, so vulnerable and raw. Like he held back his own tears.

I winced and finally dared to reach out, taking his hand in mine. He let me, a small smile tugging at his lips as he squeezed my fingers.

“Sorry.” I sighed, watching him turn to face me, leaning his hips against the railway.

“Now now. Don't turn into our cute little angel, hm? There's nothing to be sorry for. I'm glad I can share this with you.”

I smiled back, my heart beating faster. I followed him when he walked back inside.

“So you’re staying with me tonight?” I asked hopefully. “Oh I just remembered! I have something for you!”

I grabbed the sculpted cat I just finished. At first I started it just to pass time on the evening, but one day Zelos told me he always wanted a cat and never had the opportunity to have one. So I had decided I would give him my sculpture once finished. As I walked back toward him I felt self conscious. It was a silly gift, no? Zelos had plenty of gift far more complex back in Meltokio, some he never opened.

“For me? This?” White, slender fingers curled curiously around mine. “Lloyd, you made it for me?”

“I- Huh- Yeah but… it's not that great I-”

My words died in my throat. Looking up, I watched Zelos gently turn the sculpture this way and that, his eyes open in unhidden wonder. His gaze locked into mine, a big smile spreading on his face. He clutched the wooden cat to his heart.

“Thank you, bumpkin! I love it. It's beautiful.”

My brain stopped working. He was the one being beautiful. I wanted to kiss him so bad. I wanted to kiss him for a while, now.. Zelos stared at me, that strange fondness back in his eyes.

“Can I give you something in exchange?”

“Y-you don't have to! I made it not for you to give me something back!”

“But I want to. Please?”

“Alright….”

Zelos grinned.

“Close your eyes.”

I eyed him suspiciously with a pout at that but he just laughed.

“Come on, trust me. Close your eyes.”

So I did. If my heart was beating fast, it stopped entirely when gentle fingers ran on my temple. A hand cradled my jaw then, and stopped. I also stopped breathing. What was going on? Why was Zelos holding my face like that?

Before I could start asking out loud, lips pressed against mine in the softest touch.

I gasped. Immediately I felt Zelos withdraw and I grabbed his hand on my jaw, opening my eyes.

“Wait. No. Don't- stop…?”

Why didn't I realise sooner? All our shared talk under our tent, giggles hidden away under our bedroll when one of us said something stupid or silly and we had to muffle ourselves. Our hands holding. Walking side by side. Fighting back to back. Zelos slowly opening up to me. Telling me about his past.

Zelos looked like he was about to bolt, like a scared rabbit wanting to hide. So I mimicked his gesture without thinking, placing my hand on his jaw. He took a shuddering breath in, searching something into my eyes. I just pressed our lips awkwardly together again. Then I peppered his face with kisses because I felt like it. Because I could. Because it felt good. And the small laugh bubbling from him was a reward in itself. Zelos gently pushed me away but was holding my shoulder as if he didn't want me to go too far away.

“Okay okay. I get it. Jeez you turned into a labrador all of a sudden.”

I snickered, a grin splitting my face.

“Don't give me bad idea.” We laughed a bit, and as we calmed down, I reached out for his hand again. I suddenly didn't know what to say anymore. It was Zelos who broke the silence.

“Hey Lloyd.”

“Hm?”

“Is this… are you- really okay with that? Us, I mean?”

I tilted my head to the side. “When I think about it, I feel like this is where we were going for a time now. I just- I never questioned our closeness, because I never once figured I could kiss you, you know? Plus when we met you at first you were very clear about not liking other men. Which. Now that I think about it now I-”

“Aaaahaha. Yes. That. Well, hum. To be frank, it's not entirely true. You see I really never had any preference. Toward either gender. It's just- You know. The chosen enjoying dude's company? For the church it's Ew gross. So I-... I'm sorry.”

My heart clenched at how much of himself Zelos always had to hide just to have some peace. I shook my head and hugged him, nuzzling his shoulder in the process.

“Don't be. I understand. But- … Can we- I mean. If we… are a thing now. Could you…Hum. Stop flirting with others?”

“You're my only hunny.” He grinned, hugging me back and placing his face in my hair. I felt my heart skip a beat in happiness. Then he took a sniff so big I snickered.

“Zelos!”

“For once you showered and smell good! Let me enjoy it!”

“What do you mean for once!” I pushed him away playfully.

“Bud, everyday on the road, fighting and sweating all day long, wearing the same outfit. You don't always smell like roses. But neither do I, despite my best effort, so. Let me enjoy us being squeaky clean.”

With that said he proceeded to nuzzle his face back in my hair and sniffed loudly on purpose. I laughed, hugged him and allowed my urge to run my fingers down his hair.

Tomorrow we'll go back to Heimdall, and I'll have to face my- Kratos.

But for now, at least, I was allowed to breathe and just think of nothing but the handsome chosen preening in my arms.