Archive of Our Own ^beta

Clary is hugging her mother so tightly that he can almost hear the gasp of breath that is being drawn out of Jocelyn. It seems to shift into the air around all of them, a sigh of relief clearing the inside of the room, filling it with new life. Alec can’t help but smile at the sight of them. Clary’s vibrant hair mixing with the soft shade of her mom’s, both their eyes closed in content and disbelief. Arms wound so securely around eachother that no force – human or supernatural- could tear them apart right now.

Luke is standing incredibly close to them. Letting them have their moment, feeling the warmth of both their bodies present again, a content, wide smile on his face; showing his teeth. Alec watches the moment happening and he feels a weight drop off his shoulders. Because the last few weeks have been building up to this moment. And to end this day with at least some sort of triumph is all he needs right now.

He takes one step back as Luke joins the embrace and whispers into both their ears. All three of them radiating with happiness and tears of joy in their eyes. It is truly a beautiful picture, but the ugly thoughts come into his mind anyway. He hates himself for even thinking them for one moment. He truly feels and understands Clary’s relief and adoration but he can’t help but sense the first wave of jealousy creeping up on him. Clary’s family is back together. And he would never wish to take that away from her – or anyone, for that matter. But as he watches Luke pull both of them even closer by their arms ... he realizes he would give anything to feel Jace’s hands right now. Clapping on his shoulder or back. Reaching out for a brotherly hug. So, yes. Clary’s family is reunited. And he is happy for her. Believe him. But he knows his face might get sour if he stays too long. Not out of spite or anger. No. His lips would only slip downwards due to the realization that sadness was starting to hit him full force. What did Izzy once say? Fear makes us cruel.

So Alec decides to turn away with a full head and he misses Magnus staring after him with an equally full heart.

Alec doesn’t make it very far down the hallway before he hears footstepps following him. He doesn’t need to turn around to know who it is. He thinks maybe he shouldn’t turn around. Maybe he should keep going. He comes to a halt anyway, closing his eyes briefly and taking a breath, then facing the person behind him.

Sure enough, there is Magnus. Just coming around the corner, a worried expression on his face, his mouth slightly agape as if ready to call out for Alec to stop. The natural light around them is fading, almost completely gone, and it makes it too hard to truly see Magnus’s eyes; already circled by a black shadow of makeup in the first place.

Alec leans back against the wall again, Magnus doing the same on the other side, both choosing the same positions they had before. He knows he is already overanalyzing, thinking ahead of himself, creating problems that haven’t even arised yet. He can’t help it, that’s who he is. So he wonders, should there be a future for any of this, if that is how they will always end up. In some hallway, staring at eachother, same postures and same arguments about a subject that can’t be changed anyway.

Magnus is the first to break the silence.

“Alexander, look. I know we got interrupted earlier. I don’t want you to think that I’m not willing to talk about this or that I’m repeating myself but.. we can slow things down. We can start from the beginning. Whether that beginning is an actual date or just a simple conversation.” Magnus looks so hopeful as he’s saying it. Eyes wide and lips pink. God. Alec doesn’t deserve him anyway, does he? He is nothing but kind and caring and protective. He just wants to make him feel at ease and comfortable. And Alec knows. Alec knows all of that and he aches for it so deeply. That is probably why it hurts so much when he says…

“Magnus.. I..I completely get it, okay. I do. And yes, we could go on that date. We could have some sort of beginning. But.. at the end of the day.. we’d always have the same ending, wouldn’t we?” He feels sick even as he says it The words burning his throat. The sentences sting the air between them with electricty and he can see the pain of the burn in Magnus’s eyes. He doesn’t want to hurt Magnus. That’s the opposite of what he wants to do. He wants to keep Magnus from getting hurt. So maybe, just maybe, if he can make him care about him less, the repercussion won’t be quite so harsh.

Magnus’s eyebrows are drawn together now, his face looks sharp and confused.

“Correct me if I’m wrong but… what you’re basically saying is that you’d rather not give this a chance at all? Because something might go wrong? Someone might end up hurt? I hate to break it to you, Alexander but.. that’s life for you. I know you and I think you are very much aware of that. You can, however, choose if you want to spend that life taking chances alone or with someone by your side.” Magnus’s eyes are boring through him, searching for the underlying truth. Alec can’t be ripped open like that. Not right now. Not when truth is dark and gloomy and clowded by the absence of his brother. He feels too vulnerable.

Magnus is waiting for an answer, his eyes never leaving Alec’s face. His features have hardened slightly. Alec knows it’s not because of anger or disappointment. It’s pure determination to get through to him. But for one moment, just a second, Alec thinks: Good, he’s agitated. If he’s mad, he’s less likely to care. And if Magnus doesn’t care anymore, he can’t get hurt because of Alec. Alec doesn’t want to inflict any pain on the person infront of him. This person who has helped him so much, offered so much kindness and wisdom. And Alec took it all in. Maybe that is just him realizing that he will never be able to give back fully. Or even worse, he will be able to reciprocate completely, despite his parents and the institute and the clave. And then it will all be ripped away. Alec had his moment of selfishness. He refuses to let anyone get truly hurt by it. Especially Magnus. Not if he can prevent it.

“All I’m saying is.. I think this will cause more evil than good. And we should both think about if-“

“If what? If we are really worth it?” It doesn’t matter how dark it is. He can see the pain in Magnus’s eyes now and he hates that he caused it. He can feel his own eyes starting tto get slightly wet and he forces himself to blink quickly. His throat feels uncomfortably blocked. This will hurt. This will sting. But one moment is better than a couple of decades dragged out in misery.

“We’ll never know if we don’t try, Alexander.” Magnus takes a step forward as Alec takes one backwards. He can see Magnus’s adam apple, how he swallows tightly.

“What are you so afraid of ?” Alec takes another step backwards and he thinks he sees Magnus’s hand trying to reach out for his arm before it recoils again.

“You. I’m afraid of you. I’m afraid that I’m going to hurt you. And I can’t be the person who does that. I simply can’t, Magnus. I’m sorry.” He turns away quickly, doesn’t want to see the hearbreak that is overshadowing Magnus’s entire face.

He quickly walks to his room, he can hear his name being called, and tries to tell himself that this was the right thing to do. Wasn’t it Magnus who said that there was no honor in living a lie? Could he not see what Alec was trying to do? That he ws just trying not to give Magnus a false sense of hope? Hope was such a cruel thing.

Feelings in general were quite cruel, as Alec had to realize that night.