Chapter Text
If you aren't one of luckiest one in the mankind life will come up with a choice that you will have to make at some part of your existence. A choice that you could felt deep until your throat that will change everything for you starting from the second you think of it. A choice that is terrible in both ways but too different from each other to even consider similar.
Tsukasa Tenma only realized what life meant actually when he forcefully received this choice. Maybe sooner than it shouldve been.
"𝘐 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘤𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘪𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘶𝘴 𝘣𝘰𝘺.. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴 𝘴𝘢𝘬𝘦, 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦'𝘴 𝘴𝘢𝘧𝘦𝘵𝘺..."
He said to him in a middle of the night. He still wa terrified of poor miku laying dead as a voice was coming through her. But this was the last thing he should be worrying about right now.
One life for everyone else's.
Everyone over his morality.
Everyone over his humanity.
The first time his future self said to him that killing Akito equaled saving everyone he couldn't understand. He wasn't able to connect him with everything else. He only let out a 'what?' While looking down at the body laying on his knees but never got an actual answer to that. Maybe he was lying like Rui and others guessed after all.
But a possibility of lying was a terrible value for losing everyone.
He said that he was going to ignore everything that happened to his friends.. Before the story started containing others souls. Now he was sitting on the floor of his room. Wondering one question of future: "what will he do?"
The cold floor connecting with his hands are the only indication of reality that he is so afraid to accept. Never ever in his life he thought he will be debating of whether trusting his literary future self or letting the time make everything promised happen.
He can't kill someone. This wasn't a simple play. Everything was covered with solid reality but wasn't it also a murder if he let what his future self told him?..
"𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘶𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘭𝘦.. 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘢 𝘣𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘧𝘭𝘺 𝘦𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘤𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘤𝘢𝘱𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘰𝘧. 𝘓𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦. 𝘓𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧! 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘥𝘰 𝘪𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘪𝘥.. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘣𝘦 𝙖𝙡𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬!? 𝘊𝘢𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴?"
He got up from the floor with the support of the white walls he can feel it's dried paint under his touch. He threw himself on his bed as the memories of minutes ago flooded in his mind. The feelings being a rain for the ocean of guilt inside him. He put his hands over his face, fully covering it like he is trying to somehow suffocate himself. The deep breath he took is opposing this action. He is lost in his mind and the only thing he knows is that he doesn't want to hurt anybody..
That's the only thing he is sure after a long time.
- - -
"Hey Toya! Do you know where can I find Akito?"
Toya startled as his brother put his hand pn his shoulder, slightly pulling him near himself. He turned his head to Tsukasa who looked absolutely sleep deprived. The lack of difference in his facial expression compared to usual making the rings under his eyes seem like some kind of paint.
"He didn't come to school today.."
He said.
"He said he got a fever. He is staying at home."
He continued to answer Tsukasas curiosity by himself. His worry about Tsukasa that also is evident in his voice making him ignore some kind of happiness he saw flashing in his eyes for only a second.
"How unfortunate.. I hope he isn't that bad.."
Tsukasa said. More likely talking to himself considering how he put his hand under his chin. Trying to look at toya so he can make his gut to remember not being happy about his junior being sick at home. The shame of the relief he has caused by the fact that he can avoid his 'duty' for another day becoming an itching feeling he felt on his throat.
"Tsukasa are you okay?"
Toya forces the question out of himself while watching Tsukasa shift his attention from his eyes to wherever he can. Akito already asked this question to him a few days ago. The answer was the same one he is going to get now. He knows thats only a soothing lie that he isn't sure whether intends to comfort others or himself. But whatever it is Toya craves Tsukasa's trust and ability to help him inside. He wants him to tell him what he is wrong. But he never does.
Tsukasa crossed his arms while distancing himself away from toya by two or three steps. Trying to show off some kind of petulance he has. He shaked his head with an overly force. As if trying to blame Toya for worrying about him.
"I swear to god if somene else asks that again!- I am fine! Is there anything wrong with me that makes all of you think I have a problem or something?"
Toya was taken aback a little bit by Tsukasa's dramatic outburst. The way he tried to make his voice sound a little deeper would be actually funny if he didn't looked so serious about this.
"I mean- yes. You look like you haven't slept for months.."
Toya said. Catching the opportunity to talk about how he looked like a walking corpse by answering Tsukasa's question honestly. Tsukasa -which stopped for a second like his entire brain shut down after hearing that- blinked a few times while calming down from his unnecessary emotions. Why did he even take that small question this seriously? He put his one arm around Toya's shoulder while starting to smile like he usually did.
"Thats kinda true that I couldn't sleep last night. I was- uhh.."
His early confidence that started highly died like a rollercoaster diving with on the rails after reaching the top. He didn't really thought what he was going to say about what happened. To be honest even he didn't fully knew.
"..I was thinking about something. Yeah. Couldn't get it off from my mind.."
It wasn't fully a lie. He was indeed busy with thinking about something. But pray that this doesnt interests Toya enough for him ask more questions. He isn't that type to nag you to learn about personal things.. Yeah?
Toya looked at Tsukasa for dear seconds like he is just newly introduced the idea of people can think about matters longer than a few hours. He continued just examining his face untill he suddenly nods while his face ahifts into an satisfied expression which made Tsukasa want to breathe out every piece of air his lungs had with relief.
"Is that why you were looking for Akito?"
...
"What?"
He asked this question with both his mind and mouth. Both directed to different people. His eyes snapped back to Toya again who was believing about his questions truth more than wrong. At least thats how he looked like.
"Akito. He told you that you can talk to him about your problems if you wanted. When we eere at the rooftop remember? Is that why you were searching for him? Because of the thing you couldn't take off from your mind."
Ohh.. He totally forgot about that. Or maybe his mind just simply didnt wanted to remember his supposed murder targets offer of kindness. One of this two.
"Ahahaha.. Yeah yeah obviously about that. But its okay since he is sick I will just talk eith him later ahaha-"
His second laughter that more likely sounded like a cry for help cut by his brother.
"You can visit him if you want! Im sure he wouldn't mind it that much. Just say get well soon or something firstly that will calm him down."
He said with the subtle excitement of being able to help his brother. Tsukasa is sure in normal circumstances Toya would want to leave his best friend alone but right now probably the chance of 'helping' him is surpassing his usual respect for others.
"Oh no its not-"
He could feel himself getting crushed under the weight of both Toya's concern and the idea of actually visiting Akito when he doesn't have to. Even thinking this was actually rotting his actual mindset. Visiting his sick friend? Yeah of course, they probably needed help. But right now? It was the worst time for that. He wanted to get away from Akito or anything related to the guy as far as possible until he gets pushed back into him with fate itself. This feeling of loosing himself made him both feel actually sick in the stomach and a sense of hatred for himself. He shouldn't do this, he is thinking. But what he heard.. Wouldn't it be actually great to get close to Akito so he could- yknow what it is? The nonexistent mirror of self reflection that was cursing for his terrible thoughts were tsking him, he could hear that...
"...where does Akito live?"
- - -
Akito woke up from his probably 4 hour lasted slumber with the unpleasant sound of the doorbell ringing. The sounds were reaching his ear more easily probably because he got too lazy to go back to his bedroom after going to the kitchen to grab a glass of water and decided to continue his misery on the couch by nearly throwing himself on it. After the reality of that he was the only person in the house hit like a rock thrown over him he got up from his terrible sleeping position with an unpleasant sound. Which he can't compare the other one he let out when he got a face to face look of the last person he was expecting at the worst time possible.
"..."
Blink
"...?"
Blink
"...what?"
Silence
"...you look like a dead person."
Silence again
"...so is you"
This absolutely endearing exchange between Akito and Tsukasa was somehow sounding like a normal conversation despite the awkwardness living on it. Tsukasa shook his head slightly at Akito's words but not fully denying them on his words.
"I look dead in a certain decency. You look like you just had an organ implantation surgery and its obvious from looking at you that how that went- oh my god what I am saying-"
Tsukasas words cracked a small smile on Akito. He was terribly weird at this second but not the one which was unbearable. He hold the doorframe with one of his hands to continue this conversation without ending up on the floor and huffed.
"Why are you here senpai?"
Tsukasas throat started itching with that question again. He crossed his arms over his chest like he didn't wanted to go through the trouble of explaining what happened with Toya.
"Im here because I heard you are sick.. Uhh maybe you need a help you know?"
He forced his lips that already formed into a smile into a grin and then sighed after seeing the still confused boy in front of him. He can't blame him for that. This wasn't even his fully real motive after all.
"I can make a soup for you? Would you like that...?"
He took the way Akito just stepped away from the door as a different way to say yes and ealked into his house just behind him. From the first look at the house it lacked...something that he couldn't point his finger on. He watched as the other guy walked into the deeper side of the house which he realized he was actually leading him into the kitchen a few seconds later. He walked in a faster pace to catch onto the distance that opened up between the wasted seconds of thinking. Akito turned his head back to him after sitting on a chair he pulled a little away from the dining table.
"Do you need any help?"
Tsukasa shook his head fastly as he scanned over the room.
"No no. You can just rest. No need for me to make you even worse than you are now."
This sounded more than he was saying that to himself more than to Akito. He walked over to the windows. The sunlight was desperately trying to get its way in but it was sometimes blocked in its journey by the curtains which coveres half of the glass. He pulled the curtains all way through to the left side with a swift motion and freed the semi darkness from the room to nowhere. He traced over the handle of the window slightly and then he opened it half way through.
"Maybe some oxygen will help you with your sickness. Seriously how are you living in this environment?"
Akito shrugged as he watched Tsukasa got close back to the kitchen counter.
"You are talking like my mom now."
Tsukasa let out a short but genuine laugh at this. For some reason getting proud of that call out.
"Are you allergic to anything?"
"No."
The distant atmosphere that also completed Tsukasas inner disturbance was melted out as both they started talking and the warmth of the nearly boiling soup filled the kitchen. Maybe because of his unbalanced feelings right now or maybe because of Akito's sickness he felt him and his junior beings more close to eachother compared to usual.
He closed the stove and poured some of the kinda liquid into a bowl which he had to ask Akito to find its place. He thought about how people in movies put poison in others food to kill him and he couldn't deny the regret of not buying some rat poison flickered in his mind bu the shrugged it away as fast as he regained his personal consciousness.
"Be careful its too hot. Dont burn your tounge or anything."
He said as he placed the bowl on the side of the table the other was in front of. Akito let out a 'thanks' sounding unsure with a drop of shyness right now for some reason. Tsukasa pulled the chair on the other side of table and sat on it. Watching the other guy tasting his food and expecting a feedback which he can feel a unclear pray that it was positive in himself.
"This.. Actually tastes good."
Akito said while blowing cold air as a punishment of not taking Tsukasa's warning of being careful too seriously. Tsukasa sneered while this occured.
"Of course it tastes good! After all it was made, by me! Tenma Tsukasa!"
He said with his voice tangling with self made ego. But didn't forget to add a sincere thanks as an addition to be a polite soul. Akito didn't protested nor agreed with him. He just continued drinking the food in front him while continuing to listen what the blonde was saying to him after he turned back to be his usual self and contiued his words more and more not paying too much attention if the other was being present in the conversation or not. But to be nice and also because he was actually listening to him Akito nodded as a punctuation for Tsukasas sentances or sometimes added his own comments of the topic that is been changing faster than the speed of the light.
"You know, I didn't actually wanted to come here at the first.."
Tsukasa said without thinking much before saying.
"What do you mean by that?"
Tsukasa stopped after realising what he said. That could be taken as something mean without any context. Well he didn't wanted to come here at first yes but he had his clearly valid reasons. And also after time passing he started actually enjoying kinda babysitting his sick friend which made him seem like an hypocrite. He didn't wanted to see Akito but despite the truth of the terrible things he had decided to do to him he couldn't help but feel an unstoppable want to actually get closer to him in a moment like this. Oh god maybe this is what his alter ego was trying to lock into him. Maybe he was feeling this sense because of how easy taking his life would be if he was a closer person of Akito. That was so terrible of him. So terrible...
"Ah- don't worry about it. I didn't meant it like that it just slipped from my mouth!"
Tsukasa shouted while comically waving his hands to point out the fact that he was sorry even more.
But it wasn't fully his fault right? I mean..he should kill him at some point. So why its so wrong if he did that by getting close to him..?
Akito raised one of his eyebrows.. Looking more confused and something else more than being angry for saying he didn't wanted to come here even if he is the one who decided to show up at his door randomly.
"I will tell you later! No need for you to worry about that, right now you should rest yeah. I am leaving now. Sorry for disturbing you!"
He did intended to just get up and leave from the door after saying goodbye. That was the only thing he intended he could swear. He didn't comprehend when did his mind decided to walk over to Akito, take his hands in his own and lead him to his room for the sake of 'making sure that he will rest'. He is trying to escape god damnit what is he doing now?!
"Tsukasa you really don't need-"
He was hushed over the blanked accidentally got pulled over his redened face which he couldn't understand was like that because of the amount of fever he had , because the sudden caring persona tsukasa got or because how terribly messy his room was or all three of them together.
"I am already here right? It wouldn't hurt a little more help."
Tsukasa said while laughing apologetically for strangling the boy with his blanket.
"Now hush and sleep. Okay? I am going to leave now."
He waited untill he forced a nod from the other guy who he ended his every protesr without even listening. After defeating the embarrassment he had that caused by the awkwardness of being watched while trying to sleep, Akito closed his eyes, in a hope that Tsukasa will be convinced and finally leave him alone...
But Tsukasa didn't leave even after Akito fell asleep. He leaned down to the guy after being sure that he was unconscious. The disturbance returning back as soon as the other guys sensibility becomes unreachable and lefts Tsukasa alone with his humanity alone in the silent room that only confirmed its existence with the slow noise of breathing.
Tsukasa took a deep sigh. Watching his murder victim with unease. He must kill him one day. Even his inner voice suggested the easiness of choking somene when they were on their sleep he silences himself with taking a deep breath in. Did his gut tells him to get close to Akito to end his life? Then so be it. He will do it when he is fully awake, able to understand who did that to him, in a state that his apology could be heard and in a state where the memory of how terrible a person he is will burned into Tsukasas mind until his own death.
Which he will regret and cry and untill every second of air his lungs got themselves wores out.
Which will kill him even on the liveliest day of his life.
And which will become a punishment of the choice of sin his heart decided to bleed its curse into his soul, only because he was a coward.