Chapter Text
James held his head in his hands, sitting on the edge of his bed. The light peaked through the blinds they hadn’t bothered to open. Hardly any words had been said between them in hours, and James’s eyes were practically swollen shut from crying. Peter’s eyes flicked between the other three boys. “We need to talk about it.”
Remus’s head snapped up. “Peter…”
“I think he’s right.”
James looked up from the ground at the sound of Sirius’s voice. “It isn’t going to do us any good if we sit here and fall apart and never talk about it.”
James let out a sigh, running a hand through his hair. “What good will that do?”
Silence fell over the group for a moment before Remus tentatively broke it. “It might help you feel better.”
James stood up and shook his head, tears already welling in his eyes. “I’d feel better if he was here. Nothing can fix that.”
Remus let out a sigh, turning towards him. “James…”
He let his voice trail off, and James left the words unsaid as he slipped out of the dorm. The castle had begun to feel dreamlike in the past few hours. Whispers followed him everywhere. Regulus’s voice echoed in his head. James’s body ached with the desire to touch him, just to feel his presence. Fresh tears spilled every time he remembered he would never get that opportunity again.
James moved through the hallways silently, looking for his parents. They had stayed overnight due to back to back meetings with professors, Dumbledore, and the ministry officials. He hadn’t seen them since he went to look for Regulus. He needed them desperately. It hardly registered with him that a day had passed. He hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep. His closed eyelids treated him to memories that made him force his eyes open so the tears would stop filling his eyes every time he heard Regulus’s laugh or saw his smile. It was a pain James didn’t know how he could learn to live with. He rounded the corner towards a small office McGonagall converted into a room for his parents. The door was ajar, and he heard hushed voices inside. James hovered in the doorway as he listened.
“Effie, we cannot let this happen. He’s dead, and it was entirely preventable.”
“I know. I agree. And we won’t. We have to find James. We need to be there for him. I can’t believe they waited until now to tell us.”
James stepped inside, and their eyes widened as he saw them. Euphemia took two steps forward and enveloped him in her arms, and he broke down into tears. She held him tightly, rubbing circles on his back. “I know, baby, I’m so sorry.”
He sobbed into her shoulder, struggling to breathe. It felt as if hours passed before his tears slowed. He pulled back and wiped at his face, allowing Euphemia to guide him to their bed. Fleamont sat on his other side. They both grasped his hands tightly, Euphemia bringing it up to her mouth to kiss his knuckles. “I’m so sorry, James.”
James sucked in a breath before pulling his hands away so he could fiddle with them in his lap. “Did you know?”
Fleamont hesitated before speaking softly. “Know what?”
James sniffled loudly, letting his eyes flutter shut. “That we were dating. That I’m in love with him.”
Euphemia took his hand again and squeezed. “Of course we knew, sweetheart. It was obvious in all the letters you sent gushing about him.”
James bit his lip as another tear slid down his cheek. “Every time I close my eyes, I see him. It hurts. It hurts so badly.”
Euphemia wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into her chest. “I know, baby. It’ll get better with time. I promise.”
James fought hard not to cry. “That’s the thing. I don’t want to wake up one day and realize I’ve forgotten him or that I’ve forgotten what he looks like or what his laugh sounds like. I don’t want to heal if it means his memory disappears.”
Fleamont squeezed his arm gently. “It won’t, James. You will always love him, and he will always remain in your heart. You will always have fond memories of him. You won’t forget him, but over time it will hurt less.”
James inhaled shakily, tears brimming his eyes. “I just want him back.”
He stayed in their arms for hours.
***
He left only once they had meetings to attend to fight for what Regulus would’ve wanted. Euphemia offered to stay. James told her to go. They needed her to fight for what’s right. It’s what Regulus would’ve wanted. James wandered through the corridors aimlessly, unsure of where to go. He despised the heavy silence in his dorm and feared the pain that crashed over him in waves when he returned to spots him and Regulus frequented. He wandered down corridors he rarely traveled in, places he didn’t know. He didn’t pay much attention to his surroundings, walking instead like he was a zombie. A numbness began to form in his chest. It was almost worse. Halfway through lunch (which James had skipped) he bumped into Barty in a corridor near the dungeons. He barely registered it was him until Barty placed both hands on James’s shoulders. “James.”
James looked up, humming in response. Barty’s eyes were red-rimmed and puffy. “Will you come with me?”
James inhaled sharply. “You want me to come to his dorm?”
Barty nodded slowly, squeezing James’s shoulders. “We’re going to get drunk.”
James paused for a second before nodding in agreement, following Barty silently to the Slytherin dorms. He hesitated in the doorway to the dorm, his eyes flicking around the space. Pandora had her head in Dorcas’s lap, who was sitting up against Barty’s bed with Evan across from her. James’s eyes fell on Regulus’s bed, and tears began to well again. He tried to stop them, but some escaped down his cheeks anyway. Pandora stood up, wrapping her arms around James. He sank into the hug, letting out a breath. There was something so comforting about her. Something akin to Regulus. Not quite Regulus, but close. James settled down on the floor as Barty shut the door behind him. A bottle of fire whiskey was passed around and quickly finished, and Barty dug two more out from under his bed. They were all somewhat tipsy within the hour, their heads lolling back against the carpet. Pandora was hiccuping every so often. There was a silence between them, one of understanding. It wasn’t heavy, just full. Pandora broke it with the soothing tone of her voice. “Do you remember when we saw that rabbit stuck in the branches of the fallen tree in the Forbidden Forest? We were in a rush, almost late to class, and Regulus was fuming when I told him we had to stop. In the end, he was the one who pulled the bunny free.”
Barty was lying flat on the floor, staring at the ceiling. “I thought you said it was a rabbit.”
Pandora frowned. “It was.”
Dorcas interrupted with a memory of her own. “There was one time we were playing quidditch, Regulus and I, and he chucked the quaffle so hard at me that I was knocked off my broom. I started falling, and of course he caught me. He apologized so many times, you would almost think he did it on purpose. I think it scared him, hurting someone. Because of his parents. But I just started hysterically laughing until he joined in, and we collapsed on the field from laughing until it got dark.”
James let himself picture every memory. For a moment, he could almost convince himself they were real. That Regulus was standing right in front of him, and James was watching. Barty spoke next. “Him and I got shitfaced one day after winter break because our parents had taken a toll on us, and we just wanted to forget. We wandered around the castle absolutely plastered, laughing at everything and stumbling and shoving each other. When we got back to the dorm, it was well after midnight, and I laid down in Regulus’s bed. He was too drunk to care. Twenty minutes after we laid down, he poked me in the side nearly hard enough to push me off. And he said, ‘Thanks for being a good best friend.’ He fell asleep right after, and I’m still almost convinced I dreamed it.”
There was a long moment of silence before Evan spoke. “There was this guy a few years back who cheated on me…” That earned a few grunts before Evan continued. “And when Regulus found out about it, he was livid. I was almost scared for the poor guy; I thought Regulus was gonna murder him. But every day, there was just some minor inconvenience in this guy’s life that pissed him off, and Regulus sipped his tea smugly. The first day, his hair was two shades darker. The guy was obsessed with being blonde. The second day, he had no shoes on, and he was holding two left shoes. The third day, every time he opened his notebook, a piercing scream cut through the classroom. The fourth day, he spilled just about everything on himself at every meal. The fifth day, his words were all jumbled so he made no sense when he spoke. The sixth day, his robes flashed in rainbow colors. The seventh day, his wand let out a fart every time he tried to use it. I asked Regulus what he was doing and how long it was going to last around day three. He claimed he had no part in it, but I knew he was lying. I found a piece of parchment in his desk about a week later titled ‘The Seven Days of Hell’ with the idea to piss this guy off.”
James wanted to laugh at the idea of Regulus pranking someone, but the memory was so weighted with sadness, he couldn’t find it in himself to. James realized he was the last to speak, but he couldn’t pick a single memory. He couldn’t pick one time he would share after everything. There were too many. It was too hard. Pandora lifted her head slightly to look at him. “You don’t have to say anything, James. It’s just — he was very private about you. We’d love to know if you’re willing to share.”
James inhaled deeply and nodded. “We were always bickering. When we were paired together in Potions, it got worse. Constant sniping, but there was always a teasing undertone, for me at least. I was convinced he wanted me dead. When Slughorn asked us to do that Veritaserum project together, we agreed because of the house points and to spite each other. We spent those sessions bickering too. We were talking about hating each other and enjoying getting a rise out of each other when he kissed me. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t had the same thought at that moment. I’m sure if you asked him, he would say it was me who made the first move, but it wasn’t.” James paused for a long moment as the memory washed over him that he wouldn’t ever be able to ask him again. Barty placed a steadying hand on his arm. “We snogged like that for a bit, Slughorn interrupted, and we sort of ignored it. But it kept happening. Barty caught me at the Astronomy Tower once, and he knew something was up, so he kissed me, and Regulus got all jealous. Barty asked what we were, so we talked about it then and there. That’s when we started dating officially. The day before our one month anniversary, Lily made a comment about me being upset and having no one there for me, so Regulus took me to the Room of Requirement as a place for just us to stay. I told him I loved him that night. He said it back the next morning. Then we talked about… the plan.” He choked on the words. “A lot of what we did from then on was about the plan. We had moments, but it was always with the goal of getting him out. I just wish…” James trailed off for a long moment before swallowing thickly and finishing his statement. “I just wish we had more time.”
Tears trailed silently down James’s cheeks as he finished the story. Barty pulled him into a tight hug, refusing to let go for at least a minute. When they pulled apart, Regulus’s friends were all staring into space with wet eyes. Pandora sniffled, followed by a hiccup. “Do you think this is counterproductive?”
Barty raised the bottle of firewhiskey. “Nah, the dramatic fucker would’ve loved a funeral like this.”
He took a long swig of the drink. The words escaped James’s lips before he could stop them. “Will there be a real funeral, do you think?”
Barty winced as the alcohol burned his throat. “His parents certainly aren’t going to organize it.”
Evan spoke, but his eyes were glazed over like he wasn’t quite there. “Is there even a body?”
Everyone fell silent, and the image brought fresh tears to James’s eyes. “Is this it, then? Is this all he gets?”
Barty grabbed James’s shoulder, a fierce look in his eyes. “No. Today, we mourn. Tomorrow, we burn Walburga, Dumbledore, and those ministry officials to the ground. They’re going to pay, James. We’re going to make sure of it.”
James nodded. They all dozed off not long after that, falling asleep in heaps on the floor. James couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t bring himself to close his eyes despite his exhaustion.
After an hour of trying to think of anything else, James sat up and wandered over to Regulus’s bed. He sat down on the side of it, the smell of Regulus’s cologne filling his nostrils. It brought a bit of comfort. Craving something to do with his hands, James dug around in Regulus’s bedside table. His hand closed around a stack of parchment. He pulled it free to see that it was every issue Rumour had ever posted, stacked together in the order in which they were published. James scanned through them, his eyes falling on the riddle Regulus had never even mentioned:
The lion roars without a sound,
A sinking boat left to be found,
The tail is curled in on itself,
Left to wither on the shelf.
James traced the word ‘lion’ with his finger, wondering what it meant. Maybe it was a Gryffindor. It didn’t matter anymore. But part of him was angry. If Rumour had kept their mouth shut, Regulus wouldn’t be in this position. James could at least figure out who it was so they would be punished properly. He reached further into the drawer, searching for a pen, but his hand closed around a notebook instead. He pulled it out slowly, sighing deeply before opening to a random page. Maybe it was wrong. He couldn’t find it in himself to care. The page he flipped to showed Regulus’s neat, cursive handwriting with several lines crossed out. He squinted to be able to read them.
The snake hisses without a sound,
A star is fading, left on the ground.
The scales are falling from its skin,
Left to reflect the turmoil within.
Below those lines, Regulus wrote: TOO OBVIOUS
Beside the original poem was the one Rumour published:
The lion roars without a sound,
A sinking boat left to be found,
The tail is curled in on itself,
Left to wither on the shelf.
James snapped the book shut, his back straightening. It couldn’t be, could it? Regulus couldn’t have been Rumour. But when James thought back to the issues, it made sense. Nothing detrimental was said about James, his friends, or any of Regulus’s friends. Regulus slandered himself, sure, but he hardly ever did that to other students except to expose them of their wrongs. He hated Dumbledore, and he was a good writer, and he knew almost everything.
James’s mind was spinning when he remembered the last issue. Regulus couldn’t have written it because Regulus was dead. Barty had a copy of it lying on his own bedside table, so James picked it up as his heartbeat slowed to its usual pace. He read it over before his eyes began to catch on the letters at the beginning of each sentence. I’M ALIVE. It couldn’t be…
His heartrate quickened to twice its pace as he crept out of the room as quietly as he could. He sprinted through the halls, his heart beat pounding in his ears as everything in him yelled at him to go to the Astronomy Tower. He was panting as he reached it, pushing the door open with his heart in his throat. It was empty when he entered, and his heart dropped. He was wrong, of course he was wrong. Maybe it was just a coincidence. Regulus couldn’t be Rumour. James was…
The sound of the door opening and closing a second time ripped James from his thoughts as he spun around.
Regulus.
He was standing right there.
He was badly bruised with a swollen eye, but he was standing there.
Alive.
His mouth was set in a straight line as his eyes locked on James’s. “Hi.”