Chapter Text
“Jay Hyung.” He breathed, barely above a whisper, as if he spoke too loudly, and the older ones would turn around and fade away. Above all, he was just so flustered at finally seeing the older man’s face after a long abstinence from his Jay Hyung doses.
The older’s sharp eyes reacted to his quiet call, body moving forward as if attracted to Jungwon. He swore that if Jay came any closer, he'd cry.
Despite his silent wish, both he and Riki approached him, one with a worried expression, the other with a less worried one. Somehow, the happy feeling was replaced with something cold, numbing even. In fact, it was so shocking that his own body halted before them; he wasn’t sure if he was keeping his face from gaping.
The feeling of something being extremely out of place surged through him, from his toes up to his fingertips.
Shock, numbness stemmed from a small detail that most wouldn’t blink at – not Jungwon. Never Jungwon, he’s never seen Jay look so unworried. He felt so confused; his head was swirling with questions that would never be answered, as they had already been solved.
Like a puzzle he’s finished in the wrong way, leaving one left out, that being himself. He couldn’t jam himself into this already finished art piece, only stare.
The name had slipped from Jungwon’s lips; it was fragile, aching, half-hopeful. All of it was in vain as his eyes clung to the face before him, to the sharp lines and familiar warmth that once meant home. But the warmth didn’t reach back. Not the way he’s used to.
He stared, unable to move, as if blinking would make Jay vanish all over again.
It should’ve brought him a sense of comfort by seeing him right there, but instead, it cracked something deeper. This wasn’t his Hyung. The curve of his smile was just a little off, his eyes held a history Jungwon didn’t recognize – one he wasn’t part of, and his voice, though achingly familiar, didn’t carry the weight of their shared memories.
For the first time since arriving in this world, he felt a sense of unfamiliarity that hit bone deep. One that dragged his heart into a cold and unforgiving lake.
He didn’t belong here.
A thread still connected them, Jungwon could feel it, taut and trembling, but it felt like holding onto a ghost. The bond was there, but it was foreign.
His chest ached as tears welled up without warning, not loud or dramatic, but quiet – the kind that came from something far too deep to explain.
It was unfair to cry in front of them. They don’t know him, but he knows them. He was surrounded by people he once knew, yet utterly alone.
There is no crueler grief than recognizing someone with your heart and realizing they do not identify with you back.
He wanted to scream and cry at the world for bringing him here, making him reflect on the past. Ever since he arrived here, all he ever does is mope and wish for his members, and now that he has them, he’s complaining.
Whatever was being sent to him here clearly was playing with him. Either that or they wanted to get a point across, but what point? What did he miss?
‘Mission complete: Share a bath with someone, Heeseung.’
‘Reward: Yes/no’
The cursed blue box sounded and screamed at him, to hell with the reward. Just let him go home. Jungwon ignored the offending screen, breathing through a locked jaw.
With teeth clenched, he forced himself to focus as worried hands were placed on his shoulders, hands that felt cold once the realisation hit.
“I’m sorry, I got a bit overwhelmed yesterday. I guess it must’ve carried over to today.” He couldn’t muster up the care to act anymore, but managed to give both of them a small smile, hoping that it would ease their worries.
“Hyung, you should’ve mentioned that earlier.” The tallest of them said, Riki, still worried, never let go of his grip. “I would’ve introduced my friend later, if I knew you were tired.”
It did bring him some joy to hear that this Riki cared as much as his own, having done similar things. He huffed a bit before pulling himself back mentally. With the blonde’s small comment, he managed to drag his mind out from wherever it was. Wiping away the tears that had quietly slipped from his eye sockets, a smile presented itself on his lips.
“Don’t worry so much! I am much more sturdy than you’d think.” He flexed his right arm to show off; right, He’s Yang Jungwon, the leader of Enhypen!
He’ll be fine.
Right?
Jungwon spent the day with this Jay Hyung; he was similar, almost too similar to his own Jay. His gentle touch, his reassuring aura, yet the hollow feeling persisted. Perhaps it was his mentality, but Jungwon felt as if he owed these people more than what he could give.
The reward is long forgotten.
None of this ever belonged to him, and here he was, taking space and demanding the world of things he didn’t deserve. A feeling of being an imposter.
Still, Jungwon never backed down from surviving. Each day he spent with these people, the more he felt at ease, but also empty. He would sit and bond with them, hoping to regain a feeling of normalcy in a world that didn’t feel ‘normal’ to him, but the more he tried, the more tired he felt.
Early in the morning, even before sunrise, he sat alone at the very gazebo where he had a meeting with Riki. His thoughts were a mess as his clothing reflected that, loose and dirtied pyjamas from his fall, his hair lay flat and lifeless from lack of care.
The constant chime of the windbell he made with Sunoo irritated him; he wished that the wind would die down. From early spring to autumn, almost winter, it's been almost a year since he performed and saw his real members and family.
He desperately yearned to be cuddled by them, in a way these people couldn’t provide.
Like a broken record, he couldn’t stop missing them. Every day, turned week, then months had him sobbing from feeling so lonely.
“Mind if I sit beside you?” Someone from behind him asked, but Jungwon couldn’t bring himself to look up as the feeling of guilt gnawed at him. A small nod was the closest thing he could muster up as an answer.
The weight beside him was all too similar to someone he used to spend almost waking hours side by side with, a slightly bigger build, and the sharp intake of breaths.
“You’re up early.” Even the awkward delivery was the same. His Jay Hyung… He laughed tearily, as tears were brimming in his eyes. Yet, he still couldn’t meet his eyes; Jungwon was afraid that he would start bawling if he did.
He knew that this Jay Hyung knew him well. During the time he’s been here, the older man seemed to know almost everything about him, accommodating him despite his short time. So when he asked, “You want quiet?”, all Jungwon could do was nod again.
Despite essentially telling Jay to shut up, he found himself hating the silence and wanting to start hearing the older speak.
Nothing.
Perhaps that was the difference between Jongseong and Jay. One knew him well, the other shared a bond so deep that he’d second-guess himself if the older one said it was wrong. Jungwon couldn’t stand the quiet for much longer and mustered up the courage to look up, slow and uncertain, almost scared, he met the older man’s gaze.
The look was so kind, so gentle, he was afraid he might cry. He was undeserving of the soft look.
“...” His throat clogged up, and he sat there opening and closing his mouth like an idiot in front of the person he…
No, he was afraid to admit that.
“Jay Hyung,” It felt unfamiliar. “Would you like to go on a walk with me? Just near the pond.” And oh… The kindness in his eyes made him want to hide away in shame. He watched as Jay took his hand, his rough hands, calloused and decorated his fingertips; warm, they were warm.
A hushed ‘let’s go’ had him dazed.
Despite looking like they were holding hands, Jungwon didn’t have it in him to truly hold onto the other person’s hand; he opted to just loosely let the older man drag him around.
The cold air of late autumn brushed past his thin frame, but he didn’t shiver; he focused solely on the crisp sound of fallen leaves beneath his feet. Letting the sound lull him to peace, filling in on the silence that would’ve bothered him.
Jungwon could tell that the older man wanted to speak with him; he could read this Jay better than the one at home – after all, this was a story that imitated the people he knew. The slight shift from left to right spoke volumes.
Sighing, he squeezed the calloused hand back; a silent promise on telling him when the time comes.
A sort of compromise had been formed, and they walked in a comfortable silence towards the pond. It wasn’t a big pond, nor was it small; the body of water was grand enough to hold large living beings such as ducks and geese.
His eyes were trained on the mother goose; she looked cold but kept on swimming, leading her six babies to shore, where they huddled near the tall grass, hiding. White and black are blended with a comfortable grey, and elegant wings protectively spread across her children.
Crouching down, stretching out his unoccupied hand as an invitation, he watched with focused eyes how the geese hid further away.
Once the small birds were out of sight, hidden away in the barrage of greens that were wilting, Jungwon slumped. His body seemed to give out, and he just accepted it, adjusting to make himself more comfortable on the wet grass.
Jay, beside him, crouched down slowly before kneeling carefully into a half-sitting, half-crouch – careful to think about his clothes.
Lingering by the quiet pond, the water rippled in the gust of wind, reflecting the late afternoon sky in broken ripples. The faint hum of a ghastly sound filled the silence, though his mind was far from tranquil. Jay sat close by, his gaze fixed somewhere between the water and Jungwon himself.
Jungwon’s thoughts were a mess as past actions, interactions, rushed in disordered currents that pulled him deeper the more he resisted. Those quiet past times he spent with his members, sharing meals, one-on-one…
His heart was beating far too fast for a normal reaction, his face flushed at just the thought of being close to them.
One thump, two thumps… and oh!
He recognized this feeling all too well: the restless weight in his chest, the way his pulse seemed to trip over itself whenever he breathed near them.
He knew it. He had always known it. Yet acknowledging it now, when those moments felt so far away, was a truth too sharp to embrace. They were beyond his reach, scattered memories of a world that no longer seemed to belong to him, and the fear of admitting that left him suspended in silence.
Jay shifted slightly, his quiet presence both grounding and unbearable, as though he could sense the turmoil Jungwon refused to voice.
“Jungwon…” He teared up from just hearing his hushed voice, as if he was afraid to startle him. “I know we came to a silent agreement, but…”
The sentence trailed off. Jay was now staring at him, waiting and expecting Jungwon to know what he meant. Of course, who wouldn’t catch up on it? Was Jungwon ready to explain his inner turmoil and expose himself? No, not at all.
One would call him stubborn. He’d never let his members or anyone at all ease his worries til he himself found a solution. For him, it was wrong to rely on and use others for his own benefit when he could do it by himself. Never hesitating when things went wrong, taking the first step into danger like it were a game.
But now?
Just for a second, he hesitated.
His fingers dug so tightly into the fabric of his sleeves that they trembled, his breath shuddering against the silence. Each bite to his lower lip only sharpened the ache inside him. He wanted to speak, no, he needed to, but the thought of baring himself naked to this Jay felt like a wound. It wasn’t his Jay. He knew that. And yet, the closeness, the likeness, made it impossible not to ache for what he had lost.
“I…” The word fractured in his mouth, dissolving before it could take shape. Helpless.
Jay moved closer without hesitation, lowering himself until they sat pressed side by side. His presence carried a warmth that Jungwon didn’t want to admit he craved. When Jay’s arm slid around him in a careful half-embrace, Jungwon leaned into it almost desperately, as though he might fall apart without it.
“I’m sorry,” Jay whispered, voice brushing against his ear, soft as if afraid the moment might shatter. “You don’t have to speak. Not until you’re ready.”
Jungwon’s eyes squeezed shut. He didn’t need to look. He could see the expression in his mind already — the gentle smile, the gaze that forgave him before he even asked. That same kindness, unbearable in its familiarity.
The weight of it pressed into his chest, sweet and devastating. The warmth was real, the comfort undeniable, but it wasn’t his to keep. And in that tender, borrowed closeness, his guilt throbbed raw, leaving him caught between longing and shame, desperate not to let go and terrified that he already had.
Their hands still intertwined, twisted his heart in a way he couldn’t describe. If he ever made it back, he wouldn’t be able to face his members ever again.
Still, within this turmoil, he felt comfortable.
“Thank you.”
While the others found comfort within the estate, hidden deep in the woods beyond its walls, Heeseung faltered. A low sound slipped from him, half groan, half plea, as he pressed a shaking hand to the earth. His breath came unevenly, like he was bracing against something unseen.
Shadows pressed at the edges of his vision, fleeting shapes he couldn’t quite grasp, as though someone else’s memories were seeping into his own. They rose and fell in fragments, echoes of things that hadn’t yet happened, or things he wished never would.
His body no longer felt entirely his. Fingers trembled against the soil, unresponsive in ways that frightened him. He had never known fear like this; fear not of the forest, not of any enemy, but of the quiet betrayal running through his own veins.
It wasn’t supposed to be now. Jungwon had said there was time. Promised him. Yet each passing moment left him less certain of how long he could still believe it.
What was he supposed to do now?
Even with all his doubts, somehow it wasn’t Sunoo’s face keeping him sane anymore. A round head, slightly chubby cheeks, dimples that grew deeper whenever he smiled; he was utterly infatuated. But what truly kept him the sanest right now was his eyes.
Big eyes that shone with innocence and truth, enough for him to delude himself into thinking he was Jungwon’s strongest soldier. He clutched his shoulder to bring some sort of comfort.
Trudging further into the forest, he hoped that Jungwon was right; he would hold out for a bit longer.
In the presence of each other, Jungwon and Jay had spent the morning cuddled up together by the pond – no one daring to disturb the scenery. From an outside perspective, it looked to be intimate and almost domestic; staff and clients alike thought a romance would bloom, but some knew better.
Wasn’t it rather odd that both were cuddled close in the wet grass? Wasn’t it peculiar that despite how close they were to each other, they were avoiding eye contact?
Sunoo knew that look.
The sight of heartbreak and bitterness from Jungwon. It has been a few months since he was rescued by the younger one, and thankful as he is, Sunoo couldn’t help but be suspicious from the beginning.
Nothing made much sense; Jungwon’s action contradicted everything he had been taught. In life, nothing comes for free. The young master must be planning something – He must! That is how he convinced himself, but as the months passed, Sunoo gradually started to doubt his theories.
From afar, he observed Jungwon’s every action, from small to big, once. His frame looked bigger than anything Sunoo knew of, eyes never wavering in dilemmas and struggles – he found creative, refreshing ways to solve the problems. Rarely did you see the younger person break down in confusion or hesitate.
Although as soon as the sun fell and everyone had gone to sleep, he’d see the vulnerable young man.
Up and above from where the window was, he could see a tuft of black hair disappear into the darkness, face almost obscured from the lack of light. In just that small window of a second, he’d spot the crest fallen face of someone lost. The first time Sunoo had managed to spot it, he thought he had lost it – the same Jungwon who smiled and laughed all day could make a face like that?
If he told someone that, they’d laugh at him.
Even Heeseung told him not to trust the younger, that he was a master manipulator; that Jungwon could spew lies as if it was the truth. He did keep his distance, watching how one by one he grew closer to the others.
He had sighed and prayed for those poor lambs, falling into the hands of the devil, but somewhere inside him a relentless feeling of envy grew. Every day, he watched and watched, hating how he wasn’t there in the picture.
Was it loneliness?
A feeling of betrayal had shaken his heart as he watched Heeseung, his friend, spend time with Jungwon. Wasn’t it Heeseung who had warned him? Wasn’t it Heeseung who told him not to get close to Jungwon? Yet, all he could see was the older man looking at the cat-like person as if he were his salvation.
That is why he knew that look.
Bitterness and loneliness.
Jungwon wasn’t faring well, and selfishly, he took advantage of that. Another thing is that he wanted to get back at Heeseung, he’ll be Jungwon’s closest confidant just because!
Once Jongseong left Jungwon to his own endeavours, he struck. Waiting behind a wall to accidentally bump into the younger man, then he’d ask if Jungwon would like to spend the day with him outside of the estate.
He leaned against the wall, listening to the faint footsteps getting closer, counting down when he should make his entrance.
The wooden floorboards creaked with each step, his step as soft and careful, never taking any unnecessary steps.
Sunoo was feeling giddy as he heard the steps within earshot. He didn’t need to lean in anymore; that was his cue. He braced himself for impact, but never felt it; instead, he felt two hands perched onto his shoulders – holding him up from his falling position. Jungwon had caught him when he planned for both of them to fall.
“Sunoo Hyung?” his voice was so soft. “Are you okay?” With just one question. He was drawn in. He could feel it; he hadn't just fallen in love, he had.
What would he give just to have him? What did he have to do to get him? Like a sly fox, he was ready to do anything for Jungwon.
“Don’t worry, I’m fine.” Somehow, he had managed to spew out a response; his brain was reeling with different scenarios and things he could say to convince the younger one, but nothing. The moment they laid eyes his stomach burst with butterflies, an unkind and unyielding one.
It hurt, but goddamn did he love it.
He quickly recovered; however, he had never craved someone this much. He needed Jungwon. Placing a hand on the other man’s broad shoulders, he gave a manipulative smile, one that guaranteed his win.
Sunoo knew he was pretty, knew that a bright personality could get you far in life. Despite his early years being friendless, bordering on abuse and neglect, he never let go of this part of him. His innocence stripped away and taken from him, he chose to clean himself and purge that side that was tainted.
But made him want to dive deep into the dark just to taint him.
He wanted him painted in the colours of the deepest black, of himself. Sunoo wanted Jungwon to belong to him.
“Young master Jungwon, if I dare ask…” Pretend, pretend you’re shy and in need of help. “Could you join me on my adventures downtown?” Make it convincing!
He micro-managed everything and watched for any changes on Jungwon’s features; a slight crease on the eyebrow, his forehead wrinkled as a dimple was formed when he pursed his lips.
A perfect confused expression.
“Not that I don’t want to, but what is the occasion?” Ever so polite. Sunoo noted how even in everyday conversations, Jungwon would use polite speech, just slightly loosening up on that with people he’s close with. Informal speech didn’t occur much; he must’ve suffered when he was small.
Sighing, he took hold of Jungwon’s hands in his, squeezing them just lightly, hoping to convey a silent support.
“I want to wander the streets with you!”
The market was bustling with noise and people, folks of every age were wandering the busy streets as flavours upon flavours wafted through the air. A dizzying combination that pumped Sunoo’s blood to the brim, he loved people.
Old vendors screamed from left and right, trying desperately to gain the attention of the passerby. It made sense, who wouldn’t like to sell out and gain money, that is the only way to live comfortably.
He was currently decked out in a disguise, with Jungwon beside him in a matching set. One that hid his status as a bloodsucker, but did not make him stand out.
Dressed in loose pants that hugged his waist tightly, not giving any space for imagination. A tight shirt that embraced his chest just right, Sunoo was practically drooling at the sight. Jungwon looked divine in that outfit, well, not to brag, but he was the one who dressed him.
The stroll around the street was great, but he couldn’t help but wish for some privacy. Sunoo could barely keep his hands to himself. He watched as the younger bent down to inspect a piece of jewelry, and goodness, nothing was left for interpretation – curves and lines that showed off a body carved by the gods themselves.
A smirk slowly twisted his expression, as he mischievously snuck up to Jungwon and grabbed him by the waist.
“Ah!” The poor boy yelped, yet, Sunoo couldn’t help but smile.
“Hehe, Jungwonie! Were you scared? Sorry for startling you!” He smiled without showing his malice. It felt good seeing the younger scream like that; he didn’t know why his body reacted to that charming voice in fear.
The joy quickly subsided, though.
It was a simple mistake on his part, but it shouldn't have changed the environment and mood so much. The crowd and people started to quieten as eyes from everywhere landed on them. Sunoo was used to the scrutinous gaze when people found out what he was, but this time… This time, he wasn’t the one being stared down.
He followed the stare and his eyes landed on Jungwon, teary-eyed and on the verge of crying.
What?
Jungwon genuinely was feeling better after the morning blue. Despite the anxiety of getting used to this world, falling into the routine of life, he didn’t build. Jungwon did feel better spending time with the others.
So far, he has been keeping tabs; his time has been spent mostly with the youngest.
Riki was easier to talk to, although different; he was the most similar to Riki. Both acting somehow Gen Z despite being in a world decades, if not centuries, before their time – and maybe, just maybe, the night in the red pavilion broke down a wall separating them.
Having shared such an intimate moment with one's body… Jungwon was still flushed thinking about that night.
Still, he was starting to feel better; he had his ups and downs in this world. Feeling incredibly lonely or reminiscing about his world, but the morning he spent with Jay was the lowest he has ever felt in this place.
That is why he was happy bumping into his Sunoo Hyung.
His pretty blond hair was a mess as Jungwon caught him, his eyes sparkling with the same deceitful shine as he asked Jungwon to spend the day with him. The leader knew Sunoo the best, alongside Heeseung, as they were the main characters.
Fully developed and most detailed descriptions were of his Sunoo Hyung and Heeseung Hyung. As he had noted, all characters were similar to his world, slightly changed thanks to the environment. Sunoo Hyung was the most different, yet similar – deceitful, playful, and always thinking, but never showing it, always hiding behind a mask of innocence.
Perhaps he missed spending time with his Sunoo and let this version of Sunoo drag him out. The staff members were warning him of his status and how he shouldn’t indulge in what Sunoo wanted, but he was desperate to just get out of here.
Always cooped up and afraid of going out. The time was almost here, and if he were to die, he might as well enjoy this life as much as possible – nothing says he’ll stay dead, and maybe he’ll be sent back to his world.
Sunoo didn’t seem to notice that they were holding hands the entire time they were out, but it didn’t hurt anyone if he didn’t tell him. Jungwon enjoyed the warmth of the older, despite his status as a vampire. Sunoo was incredibly warm.
It was fun; he hadn’t laughed this much as they wandered mindlessly from stall to stall in their disguise. Eating, trying out clothes, just anything that caught their eyes, hands never by themself for longer than five minutes.
And Jungwon never let his eyes wander from the older, he watched and watched, gulping in the sight as if afraid that he would disappear.
The sunlight hitting the blond’s hair and eyes, turning a slight amber, had him hypnotised.
That’s right… All of his members have always been so pretty – they don’t know how much they mean to him.
Embarrassed that he was slightly tearing up, Jungwon turned around to pretend that he was looking at the merchant's jewelry – he was surprised as arms wrapped around his waist.
An embarrassing yelp escaped him… He was about to pout and tell the older off, but everything was too quiet. The streets dulled in noise as he felt heavy gazes on him, the past few weeks he had spent cooped up and spoiled in the estate – this feeling was a bit unwelcome.
Spending a few months in another world and years of practice seem to just disappear.
He sighed as he lowered his gaze. He hyped himself up to play the part of ‘Yang Jungwon’ in this story. It was much easier to be in the estate as Yang Jungwon wasn’t that much different there than he was. As for the members, none of them knew Jungwon until now.
But this village definitely knew how old Jungwon was.
The heavy stares burned like spotlights as the crowd's whispers jumbled his thoughts. It wasn’t easy without Engene's encouragement; he lived for himself, but he strived for praise.
He should’ve paid attention to the side stories a bit more, he cried internally. How did Jungwon act when he was not drunk and just wandering the streets? Everyone just knows how much of a ‘bastard’ he was.
To say Jungwon wasn’t panicking was an understatement.
A crunching sound invaded the peaceful sound as he watched Sunoo punch one of the passersby who was glaring. It happened so fast his eyes could barely keep up. One second, everyone was staring, and now? Five people on the ground as the rest turned around and started to mind their own business.
“Yeah! Mind your own business, people!” An angry shout completely dispersed the crowd as his hand was once again held in a firm grip; the familiar warm feeling returned as his eyes found Sunoo again.
His small hyung seemed bigger today.
Today wasn’t that bad after all.
The day had slipped by far faster than Jungwon expected. He’d spent the entire time hovering on the edge of everyone’s conversations, moping in a way that made him feel guiltier by the minute.
The afternoon spent with Sunoo and the lingering happiness were barely there, as once he returned, he was forced into work again. Paperwork, paperwork, his own routine to not forget, but the memories were getting hazy. His body was slowly getting unused to dancing and the scrutiny of society, which left him wondering who he would be once he returned.
How will he handle life as an idol?
Still, he didn’t let this deter him from his goal. He spent longer as Yang Jungwon, the leader and idol, than Yang did in this fanfiction. Faltering and hesitating wasn’t an answer, and he’ll never stop trying.
As night approached, he did a quick night round – checking every guest room to see if his members had gone to sleep or if they needed anything. He’s trying to find similarities to the world he used to live in, schedules he supposedly should have memorised.
This was indulgent - to pretend that these people here were the people he knew.
Anything to keep him sane.
If he followed his usual check-up routine, it would go from oldest to youngest, but not tonight. Jungwon needed to talk to both Heeseung and Jay; he didn’t need to, but he wanted to.
The more Jungwon replayed the events of the morning, the harder it became to push the thoughts away. Every time he tried to ignore them, they only grew louder, more insistent.
He needed to talk about it. He couldn’t keep this buried any longer. He wasn’t a kid anymore; he was an adult, and adults didn’t run from discomfort. He owed this to Jay. The version of Jay who had been nothing but understanding, but unknowing, who had always been there.
But the pressure in his chest didn’t ease. He had to speak with Jay, to confront whatever this feeling was, whatever he was running from inside himself. After the whirlwind of the day, everything had shifted. His mind kept telling him he was ready, but his heart twisted uncomfortably at the thought.
It wasn’t fair. He had so much love to give, so much that he had tucked away in the dark corners of his mind, too afraid to let it out.
Afraid of being judged, of being exposed. For so long, he had built walls so high, no one could get close. And now, even with the newfound courage he hadn’t realized he was capable of, the fear was still there, deep in his bones, gnawing at him, pushing him to not speak, to turn away.
He raked in the courage, if you could even call it that, and forced himself to take action. Don’t hesitate, don’t overthink it, just move forward. He had to. People in this place depended on him in ways he couldn’t fully explain, not in the way the world of idols had.
Here, he mattered differently. The weight of it sat on his chest like a stone. No time to be weak. No time to be afraid.
And yet, with each step, his confidence seemed to erode just a little more. Yang Jungwon was supposed to be a leader, an idol, the perfect image of someone strong, confident. But the man in the mirror, the one struggling to put words together, was so far from that. He wasn’t just an idol, not just a leader of a group—he was... was he? Was he really?
The more he thought, the further he sank into this feeling of inadequacy, of being torn between who he had been and who he needed to be. Who he wanted to be.
Shaking his head, Jungwon let his feet carry him to the shared bedroom of the last two. It felt wrong—unnatural, even—that they had to share a room. The Garden estate was large enough to accommodate everyone properly, yet here they were.
He knocked softly at the door, his ears straining for any sound that might indicate they were still awake. Part of him secretly hoped they were already asleep—it would give him the perfect excuse to delay whatever confrontation he knew was inevitable.
A faint thump broke the silence, followed by another, and he felt his resolve starting to crumble. It was happening. He couldn’t avoid it any longer. He had to face it, to speak up.
When the door slid open, he was met with a tired Jay, his handsome features shadowed by the exhaustion he wore like a second skin—something Jungwon had seen countless times in Jay's role as an idol.
"Jungwon?" Jay’s voice was groggy, but still warm.
Jungwon froze, suddenly self-conscious. "I—uh, sorry, hyung. I didn’t mean to wake you..."
Standing there, face-to-face with the person he had been gearing up to confront, his nerves took over. He wasn’t usually like this—awkward, jittery. But then, nothing about this moment was normal. He was about to change everything.
"No, no, it’s okay," Jay reassured him, stepping back slightly, turning his body as he opened the door wider. "Come inside."
Jungwon hesitated for a moment, then stepped in, his eyes scanning the room. On the left, Mathyung was asleep, his back to them, while Jay’s futon lay on the opposite side, next to Heeseung’s.
It still didn’t sit right with Jungwon—this arrangement, the shared space. Back then, Heeseung and Jay had insisted it was fine, that they didn’t want to intrude, that he was already doing so much for them. The words had irked him, even now, the memory of their insistence echoing in his mind.
But the frustration had no time to settle as he watched Jay walk over to his futon, patting the soft surface beside him—a silent invitation.
Jungwon couldn’t refuse. He moved quietly, mindful of the sleeping figure across the room, and settled beside Jay. The space between them felt heavy, but the silence that followed was even heavier. Jungwon struggled to find the right words, his mind blank.
Jay must’ve noticed the tension because, after a moment, he broke the silence. "Did you need me for something?"
Jungwon’s heart skipped a beat.
This was it.
“Hyung… I need to confess!” He shut his eyes, afraid to meet the older gaze. It wasn’t the payoff he wished for; it wasn't close to feeling satisfying, but he just couldn’t hold it in any longer.
This wasn’t the one he wanted, but it was him nonetheless.
But just admitting it, just being able to say it was enough. It gave him the courage to say it in the future to the one he truly loved.
“I…” Gosh, why was he crying again? His eyes wouldn’t stop leaking tears. Why, instead of relief and courage, did it hurt so much?
Why was he so afraid?
He couldn’t stop the soft sobbing from escaping as he felt the older beside him panic, struggling to understand why he was crying. It was always funny to see how the older members had a hard time comforting him when he was sad; they never understood how just being in their presence, he was already comforted.
Still, he will see this through. If not for him, it was for them.
He won't lead them on anymore, playing clueless to their advances. He won’t brush their feelings away anymore, so god, please bring him back.
Jungwon didn’t like it here; he wanted to go back so desperately.
“Hyung… I love you,” Jungwon choked out, barely above a whisper. His voice trembled with the force of it, words soaked in pain, soaked in truth. “…but I don’t belong here. I want to go back.”
His chest heaved with the confession, shoulders curled inward like he was trying to shrink into himself. The tears didn’t stop. He was just so homesick, confused, and grieved for a version of himself that no longer fit this place.
Jay didn’t speak immediately. And for a terrifying second, Jungwon thought he might pull away, say something soft, something careful, something that would feel like rejection even if it wasn’t meant to.
But instead, Jay moved closer.
His hands, so warm, so familiar, came up to gently cup Jungwon’s cheeks, thumbs brushing away the steady stream of tears. There was no hesitation in his touch, just tenderness. Like holding something fragile. Like him.
“Jungwon…” Jay’s voice was rough with emotion, but steady. “Look at me.”
He didn’t want to. He was afraid of what he’d see – pity? Confusion? Affection meant for someone else?
But slowly, hesitantly, he opened his eyes.
Jay’s gaze met him with such quiet intensity that it stole the air from his lungs. There was no pity there. No confusion. Just something painfully tender, adoration, warm and grounding, like sunlight slipping in through a half-closed window.
“You don’t have to explain everything,” Jay said softly, “but thank you for telling me.”
His hands never left Jungwon’s face. If anything, they pressed in a little more, grounding him, reminding him that even in the wrong place, even in the wrong version of things, someone saw him.
“I don’t know where you feel like you belong,” Jay continued, “but right now… you're here. With me. And that means something.”
Jungwon’s breath hitched, and for once, the tears stopped—not because the ache disappeared, but because Jay’s words quieted the storm inside his chest, even if only for a moment.
The distance between them was nothing now. Jay leaned forward, slow enough to allow Jungwon to pull away, but he didn’t. He couldn’t. He wanted, needed, to feel something real, even if it was temporary. Even if it was a stand-in for what he truly longed for.
Their lips met, soft, searching, laced with hesitation and yearning. There was no urgency, just the aching need to be understood, to be held.
Jungwon exhaled shakily against Jay’s mouth as the kiss deepened, hands clutching at the front of the older’s shirt like it was the only thing anchoring him to this reality.
It wasn’t perfect. It wasn’t the ending he wanted. But it was real.
Jay gently guided him down, limbs tangling together in the hush of the dim room. The warmth between them wasn’t just physical; it was the kind of closeness that wrapped around pain and said, ‘I see you. I’m here.’
And as the futon rustled and the world outside faded into silence, Jungwon allowed himself, just for tonight, to stop fighting the ache. To let go. To be loved, even if it wasn’t the version he hoped for.
Even if it wasn’t forever.
—-
“Ah…! Jay Hyung…” He quivered with every touch, twitching as rough hands grazed his every inch. Fresh tears sprang to his eyes as he was confused.
He agreed to this; he knew that it wasn’t real, so why did he so desperately wish that the hands deflowering him to be much more familiar? Rough and calloused hands not from playing the guitar or cuts from cooking, but from training with a sword.
“Jungwon…” Jay, on top of him, groaned, his face grimacing as flush thighs were pressed together around his length.
It felt so good. It feels good!
Then why does it hurt so much?
Why is he regretting his own decision? A feeling of panic wrapped every inch of his body as he gripped onto the older one’s arm tightly, knuckles turning white.
The pleasure and stuffy room messed with his head, not only that, there was this annoying scent making him all fuzzy. He didn’t like it, lost to pleasure and out of his control, he couldn’t move his limbs as he wanted.
“...Hyung– ah! Stop!”
The quiet was quite unwelcome. For just a few minutes, all you could hear was laboured breathing mixed with the awkwardness of a situation supposedly sensual.
“Wonie… Sorry.” Why? Why was Jay apologizing? It didn’t make sense as Jungwon was the one who had initiated the… the thing and abruptly stopped it. Shouldn’t he be the one apologising?
Jungwon observed how the older man moved further away, pulling the hard member away from his thighs. His face contorted to a scowl as they found themselves in the same position when he first entered the room. A feeling of wrongness took over as Jungwon moved closer, hand ready to reach out and comfort — he needed answers.
“Why are you apologising, hyung?” Jay huffed a laugh, almost sounding like a cry. His face was covered by a hand, his hyung was hiding from him, a leg separating them from being too close.
“I guess you were always like this…” What did he mean by that? “Always asking questions and making it seem so easy.”
The older one finally met eyes with him from under his hand; he looked so afraid. “Hyung is sorry, Jungwon.”
For a second, Jungwon was ready to see Jay bolt from the room as his hand faltered from reaching out. After all, that is what happened when… He shook his head, reaching his hand back out and grabbing the older hand, moving it out of the way.
As if defeated, he sighed and let Jungwon move his hand completely before letting him play with it.
“... I knew you weren’t faring well and I–... I shouldn’t have let my desire lead my actions.” The smile he gave him was haunting, but still, a warm, bubbling feeling overrides the previous panic and sentiment of unease.
Jay Hyung, his hyung was the same after all.
Scooting closer, he watched as the elder’s eyes widened. Knowing that this wasn’t Jay didn’t feel as repulsive; no, he wasn’t replacing nor using, he wanted to convey in some way that his love was genuine.
With a gentle push he didn’t know he could initiate, he had them both falling onto the soft floor bed. His hair was falling in front of his face, giving him a curtained view of the older man from below. Jay, strong and cute, now lay below him, not moving– as if letting Jungwon be in control.
The position was rather awkward as Jay clearly hadn’t calmed down from the previous actions.
His bottom was touching something hard as he was straddling Jay’s strong thighs, hands resting on the shoulders. The tension that had once left returned as the room all of a sudden felt so warm and steamy.
Pink, Jungwon felt pink. If he had to guess, he’s probably flushed head to toe, red by the neck, pink by the cheeks, and nose. Even after that, Jungwon found no shame in grinding down as Jay’s hands hastily grabbed his waist to stop.
It surprised him, but he didn’t waver, searching and yearning for that high as he bit his lip and ground harder.
“W-wait..-! Wonie… wait!” The ravenette whisper yelled, hands tightening to a bruising grip, and god did he love it. “You don’t have to force yourself, I can–” Cut off by a groan, Jungwon did not want to hear what Jay had to say.
He consents; he wanted this.
From Jay’s view, he noted how beautiful Jungwon was tonight. He didn’t understand what the younger was saying, nor did he want to, not tonight at least. What did he mean, and what was he doing now?
Jungwon was an enigma, always doing what he wanted, and somehow Jay's always dragged into a mess. It wasn’t worth questioning.
Instead, he focused on the sinful sight in front of him.
Feline-like eyes staring down, cheeks that flushed a pink so vibrant not even the darkness of night could bury— Skin that shone because of a thin layer of sweat.
He felt as if he could burst from that.
Despite his restraints after what he saw, Jungwon was once again forcing himself to adapt to Jay’s eagerness. It made him feel shameless, bad… Love-making was never supposed to be non-consensual; his mother had taught him that.
When he saw the younger's panicked state, he knew he had messed up somewhere.
But darn, was Jungwon making it hard for him to hold back? Jay was quite literally begging him to stop, lest he accidentally scare him again. Even after all that, the younger never stopped his actions, kissing him up, feeling him down, and grinding.
Jay’s face was bulging with veins, his grip so hard he was scared that it might mar Jungwon’s skin with hand marks.
“Jungwon… ah– Stop! Please…” All he did was giggle at Jay’s predicament and continue with his business. It was frightening how fast he was unraveling for this kid.
He was making a show by using his mouth to loosen the knot he had made to hold up his sleeping robe. Soft hands made their way down his underwear, a gentle grip teased his length; slow and languishing motions to keep his toes curled. It wasn’t enough and too much as Jungwon never broke eye contact, his and Jungwon’s bodies pressed together as the younger mouthed at his neck again.
Tears brimmed in his eyes as he wanted to hide away in embarrassment; he was being brought to tears by Jungwon of all people.
“Hyung… You’re so cute.” He moaned in Jay's ears, and if Jay wasn’t begging by then, he was now.
One of Jungwon's hands found itself on his right shoulder, holding it for support. The hand that teased and made his length cry had been abandoned, as Jungwon had taken hold of one of his hands and smeared his discharge onto it.
Like a toy, his fingers were being used to de-flower his hole. One finger turned two as the younger one was moaning on top of him, his fingers working the cute sounds.
It was wet, warm. Tight.
As he worked, adding more fingers, scared that it might hurt Jungwon, doubt still filled his mind from the earlier events. Jay has never seen the kid look so lost, but as if he was reading his thoughts – Jungwon stopped meeting his fingers and laid his head fully on his shoulder, panting.
“I-... I want it. Give it to me…” Voice so breathy, demanding, and utterly sinful.
That was enough for Jay to slip his fingers out.
Jungwon whined. The loss of fullness made him feel so empty. He needed Jay back inside, anything to turn his brain into mush. He tried to get a hold of Jay again, but the older slammed his head down onto the futon – easily incapacitating him from any movements.
Their previous positions flipped as Jay was now on top of Jungwon, his bare back facing Jay, and his breathing restricted by the wave of cloths, blankets, and pillows alike. His own sleeping fit was discarded somewhere, and he was barely covered by the blanket.
“...Hyung?” He didn’t get the chance to say anything else as he was filled to the brim. It wasn’t fingers, something bigger, girthier, and it filled him so well. Jungwon knew that he was being loud, but he didn’t care, not when Jay wasn’t moving.
“Move…! Plea– ah! Please!”And yet, Jay Hyung was being mean. He remained ever composed as he hadn’t moved an inch, eyes scanning Jungwon like a madman staring at a canvas.
He watched as Jungwon moved himself on his dick, watched as he moaned and whimpered– watched as he quivered and twitched. Sensitive and sweet – it drove him mad.
Still, his eyes wandered to the sleeping figure on the opposite side. Jungwon’s noises were stirring the oldest awake, and he couldn’t have that; Jay wasn’t ready to share yet. Thinking fast, he grabbed hold of the younger man's head and shoved it further into the pillow, whispering:
“Unless you want to wake up Heeseung, I suggest you stay quiet.”
With that warning, Jay pulled out and rammed back just as fast – setting a cruel pace.
And Jungwon? He was losing his mind. He was choking on his own moans as Jay pushed them out, not letting him finish.
With every thrust, he met back. Jungwon was gripping that pillow for dear life, knuckles turning whiter with each thrust, his eyes rolled back with how good he felt. So full, so satisfied.
He wanted to come.
Despite all odds, he managed to stay semi-quiet with the pillow stuffed in his mouth. Drool and tears coated the poor cushion as he held the moans back as good as he could. Admittedly, he had forgotten that Heeseung was in the room, and he would never live it down if they got caught.
He had too much pride.
Barely keeping himself sane, Jungwon focused on the girth entering and exiting him. Focusing on each vein – on how good it grazed his walls, the tip, how it somehow managed to hit the bundle of nerves that made his eyes roll.
How his own length was grinding down on the silken blanket below, soothing his untouched and red sex.
The wet, sloppy, and alluring sound only drove Jay to thrust faster, making it harder for Jungwon to keep it together. His mouth left the pillow for just a second, and he was already moaning like a common whore.
“H-ah! Hyung…! S-slow down!” Jungwon was quickly nearing his climax, and he had to warn, but it was so hard. With each thrust, he felt himself get dumber and dumber. “Ah.. Ah! Hyu– Jay! I’m cloo… Ah! Close!”
Ah.. he did it.
Just as he did, he felt himself coming undone as Jay gripped his hair, holding him down; restricting his breathing. It felt so good, and with his head in the clouds, his body had reacted and climaxed. Twitching and quivering with each thrust as Jay’s grunts and groans only grew louder and louder.
Overstimulated, Jungwon let himself fall. As the pleasure faded to numb pleasure, his mind was in another place, and he was floating.
It wasn’t long until he felt something wet filling him, like a warm embrace from the inside. He sighed and closed his eyes. A muffled voice was calling out to him; he was being flipped as air flowed freely in and out from his lungs.
He liked it, being able to breathe–
“...Won… Ju.. on!” Hm?
“Jungwon! Are you hurt? Okay?” It was his Jay hyung, he smiled happily and stretched his arm, hugging him by the neck. Giggling tiredly, he was truly at his happiest right now.
Letting his mind drift once again, Jungwon fell into a dreamless sleep.
Hearing the beeping sound after an unanswered call for the hundredth time, Ni-ki sighed as he started to worry. He anxiously tapped his foot as he called again, hoping that his hyung would answer. It wasn’t typical for Jungwon to not answer a phone call.
It hadn’t been that long since he landed in his homeland, his father already by the airport waiting for him, but the first thing he did was call Jungwon.
Two to almost three hours passed, and still nothing. He spammed the group chat with annoying texts, called Jungwon a few more times, but nothing.
Sighing, he took off his shoes as he entered his childhood room. Everything still intact like his father had promised, somewhere behind him, Bisco was tailing him. The family dog was interested in him, clearly not recognising him.
It truly has been too long since he last visited.
Dinner with his family was warm, a different kind of coziness from the group. His mom embraced him in a homely hug, and for a while, they stayed quiet in close contact. If tears were shed, none of them were willing to admit it.
They had Nabe for dinner, and he got to drink his father's treasured aged sake. It wasn’t all that good, but it didn’t matter.
For a long while, he had managed to forget and distract himself from the worry and unease of his Jungwon Hyung. When he crashed into bed later that night, into his childhood bed… He looked through his phone one last time–
Nothing.
That gnawing unease once again returned as he sighed and closed it, leaving a quick message to Jungwon again. Snuggling into his favourite blanket since he was a baby, he found sleep quite easily.
:)
He was rudely awoken by some birds and people screaming in the house, a pair– no more than a pair of feet ran back and forth…
This wasn’t right?
Sure, his family was big, but it wasn’t this big. His eyes shot open to be greeted with an unfamiliar room. Wood and paper covered its wall, and it looked old, far too old for his humble home, and what the fuck, was that a paper window?
Everything was a blur. Some people came in and dressed him in some modernised clothes before slapping a haori over it, they kept on calling him Young master or something– eugh.
The day only got weirder as he saw his hyungs decked out in these cosplays and acting like said cosplays. Heeseung was all broody and emo, Jake was waving at his face, concerned with a snickering Sunoo beside him – this was far too weird.
He had tried pinching and slapping himself awake from this dumbass dream, but nothing.
Sighing, that is how he found himself at a gazebo. The garden was pretty, and everyone kept praising this ‘young master Garden’ who founded and took care of this place. Ni-ki hadn’t seen his Jungwon hyung at all and only hoped that this Garden guy could help him get home.
Drawing circles on the stone table, he waited until he heard footsteps approaching.
They were not rushed, calmly as if having authority. Once the person sat across from him, Ni-ki had a good guess that this was the young master Garden everyone yapped about.
“Listen… I don’t want to bother you all that much, but do you know Enhype–”
“Ni-ki?” Shock coursed through him as he locked eyes with the missing hyung.
“Hyung?!”