Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Giyuu was aware, although it was only a little bit, that the other hashira didn't like him all that much. He wasn't sure why as he tried to be on their good sides, but it didn't seem to matter what he did to try and make them look at him with something other than disgust.

Seeing as he had no friends anymore, there was nobody to extend a hand into the rushing tides of his mind that dragged him under to pull him up for air.

...

Drip

Drop

That was the sound the blood made as it cascaded over Giyuu's wrist, pooling on the ground beneath him. A rather annoyed grunt left his mouth as he silently muttered about how deep the wound was.

He had just finished slaying a demon, a demon that had brought up the memories he had kept buried in the sand of his mind. The demon may not have been strong but his words carried a certain edge to them.

'Hah, that stupid haori of yours. How about I shred it to pieces, and then you!'

His haori was insulted often, so the comment shouldn't have hurt as much as it did. But, recalling his late sister and his best friend? The people he killed? It stung.

He promptly killed the demon after his taunt, the feeling of guilt clinging to his skin. That's probably why he did something so stupid, cutting himself in an attempt to subdue his emotional pain, a way of atoning for the lives lost because of him.

Now he probably needs to see Kocho, even if part of him wants to lie against the forest floor and wash away into the sea.

...

The moon beamed down as he slid open the door to the Butterfly Mansion, stumbling inside. The blood loss from his wound made him dizzy and the sleeves of his haori were filthy and soaked.

He stabilized himself against the wall for a minute before walking further into the estate, looking for anyone to treat his wound.

"Ara, Tomioka-san."

The floorboard creaked behind him as he turned to face the closest thing he had to a friend.

"What brings you here? You don't normally get too injured during missions. Perhaps you're training is lacking?"

So she was in a playful mood tonight. He learned to tell when she was mocking him or just messing around by the lightness in her tone.

Giyuu swayed a little before steadying his body. Shinobu noticed.

"I need to get my injuries treated, then I will leave Kocho," he replied in his usual monotonous tone.

Her eyes held a gaze that was unreadable, turning on her heal and saying a quick "follow me" before leading him down the hall to a room. He stepped inside the room and made his way to sit on a bed, practically collapsing on it as his legs give out underneath him.

He let out a sigh, took off his haori and rolled his sleeve up to let Shinobu work on him, unable to meet her eye.

She reached her hand out, gently, as if he was a rabbit that would bolt at the slightest movement. She grabbed his wrist in her slender fingers, just staring.

"Ara, this wound is quite deep, but the bleeding has stopped by now. I'll need to clean up around the wound first. Let me know if I am hurting you," the woman spoke.

They both knew he wouldn't say a word if she hurt him and he would grit his teeth and bare it.

With a warm cloth in hand, she began to lightly dab the area around his forearm, cleaning off the dried blood and the pale color of his skin was revealed. She worked her way in, finally getting to the cut and using a lot less pressure, being careful not to irritate and open the wound again.

Although he wasn't looking at her, anywhere but her, he could sense her looking up at his face every couple seconds, concern evident.

"All done with the cleaning. I'm going to stitch it now, alright?" Her usual sing-song cheery voice held a more serious note to it this time.

Giyuu simply nodded, adjusting his sleeve before laying it back in front of her.

"By the way Tomioka-san, how did this happen? If I recall, this is the first time I have ever treated you here."

Not even glancing at her, Giyuu mumbled an excuse. The demon he fought had cut his arm. That's it, no details, incredibly vague. Shinobu thread the needle into his skin, a pricking sensation causing him to grunt a bit. He shook it off, he deserved the pain.

Shinobu sighed, continuing on his arm before saying, "I am not a fool, Tomioka. Many people come here with all kinds of cuts and bruises. None of them are ever this clean-cut."

Giyuu blinked slowly, figuring out what to say next. So she knew, but plenty of corps members have taken to this method of coping with their way of living.

What's so wrong with him doing it then?

Shinobu stitched up the last of his arm, tying the thread and patting his arm. She stood up from her seat and just watched.

Watched the way Giyuu slowly slid his arm down next to him. Watched the way his eyes full of sorrow and grief fell on the tree outside. Watched the way his throat contracted when he swallowed.

He slid his head down, still avoiding her gaze, and then stood up, finally meeting her eyes. "Thank you for treating me Kocho. I'll be leaving now." He bowed his head and started heading for the door.

"Wait." Kocho called out to him, both of them frozen where they were.

"Tomioka, I do care about you. Please do not do something so dangerous again. I do not want to lose you too." 

And with that, Giyuu opened the door and left, shutting it behind him. Kocho huffed and shook her head at his silent treatment. She meant what she said though, she really couldn't lose another person.

...

Drip

Drop 

Was the noise the tears made as they streamed down Giyuu's face, hitting the wooden floorboards. 

'I care about you.'

Kocho is the closest thing he has to a friend, so he knows her well, well enough to know she often lies. She couldn't possibly mean she actually cares about him, and if she did he would only get her killed eventually.

He didn't need her concern, maybe he didn't even need someone to pull him out of the ocean he was drowning in. If it means Giyuu could somehow atone for killing the people closest to him, he would.

He definitely would drown.

Chapter Text

"This is ridiculous," Sanemi yelled as his feet drove him further and further into the forest. Why on earth would he need to help Tomioka? That fucker is a hashira so how is he struggling to fight a low-level demon?

"Tch. For someone who always acts like he's better than the rest of us, this sure must be embarrassing for him."

Of course, it was Oyakata-sama's will that Sanemi go rescue Giyuu from whatever situation he got himself into.

Seriously, why did it have to be him of all people. The master knows how much he hates him. He could only shake his head and huff, looking up at his crow to help guide his way. 

The forest was thick with trees, leaves scattered across the dirt floor with patches of grass appearing every now and then. It was oddly quiet, like all the animals and insects had been holding their breath. 'That's not at all creepy,' the hashira thought to himself.

He slowed down from his running pace to observe his surroundings. Trees, trees, and more trees. Sighing to himself for about the third time that night, he began walking uphill, just trying to find any sign of the water pillar, or a demon. 

Looking back on it, Oyakata-sama's phrasing for the situation was weird. Sanemi just assumed that he meant to go slay a demon that the dumbass couldn't handle himself, but who knows? Maybe he got injured in a battle and needed help to the Butterfly Mansion? No, the Kakushi would show up then. Ah, maybe something embarrassing happened, besides not being able to slay a demon, that required his help. He huffed out a laugh at that thought, a grin forming on his face.

He would love to see Tomioka in a bad situation. Whatever the reason, he just hoped this wasn't his Master's attempt at getting them to bond.

While he trailed off into thought about the reason for him being here, he began marching uphill, before he felt it. Most demon slayers, well ones of higher rank, could sense a demon immediately. For him, it felt like a prick to his stomach, like thorns scratching on his flesh He bolted uphill, feeling the burn in his legs as he pushed himself.

The thought of slaying a demon always managed to get his blood pumping. As he neared the top of the hill, he spotted a clearing, no trees, just a demon in plain sight. 

Sanemi is an impulsive person, that being said, he never hesitates to cut off a demon's head. So why was he ducking down behind a tree right now instead of fighting?

That's because something was not right.

At all.

He knew he should kill the demon like he was supposed to, it was his job after all, but he had this itch in the back of his mind that told him to assess his surroundings. He found numerous things wrong the more he looked. Things that would explain his rigid stance and his stiff muscles that refused to move.

The three things that caught his attention were...

1. Right next to his foot, behind the tree he was using to shield himself from the demon's view, was Tomioka Giyuu's ugly fucking haori folded up nice and neatly.

2. On the water pillar's haori lay his katana, the sword he used to fight and protect himself and others.

3. Beyond the tree, where the demon stood, was Tomioka Giyuu laying beneath the monster.

He hadn't noticed it before, how he didn't he had know idea (it might be because he tries his best to ignore the depressing man since he pisses him off so much), but it was definitely him.

Ignoring the sword and haori that had been set aside, truly the weirdest thing about this situation was how calm the other hashira seemed. His arms lay next to him, not even twitching. Giyuu made no move to fight back against the demon, just staring up at him. 

'That idiot, hell is he doing?' Sanemi's eye twitched confusion gnawing at his brain.

'He couldn't have gotten his sword taken during the fight, it wouldn't be placed so neatly then. Same with his haori, but maybe he didn't want to dirty it? No, that still doesn't make sense. Damn it, what the hell is happening here?'

As Sanemi tried to rack his brain for possible reasons, he continued to watch from the shadows. The demon was just grinning at him. Then, the first voice besides his own that he's heard tonight spoke.

"You heard what I said, didn't you? Kill me."

Oh

Sanemi understood now.

This was Tomioka being as egotistical as usual. This asshole probably thought he could fight a demon without his sword, so he set it aside. Despite not having any marks on his body, indicating that they haven't fought yet, he already managed to get himself into a delicate position beneath the demon. That was a weakness and would surely get him injured.

Hey, maybe he wouldn't get hurt though. As much as he hates to admit it, Giyuu is strong, and his taunt to the demon could be apart of some plan he had to fight it.

Though, it did piss Sanemi off that the other hashira thought he could pull stuff like this. And now, because he was too full of himself and decided to fight a demon barehanded for whatever reason, the master had to send him to go take care of it.

Yes, this is the only thing that makes sense. He shook his head and decided to continue watching. 'If he thinks he's so much better than the rest of us than he can fight for himself.'

The demon cackled a loud laugh, sinister and evil. God, he really wanted to just behead that demon. He really should just step in a kill it before Tomioka does something stupid.

'Hell, maybe he's trying to impress Kocho,' Sanemi snickered at his own mind making fun of the ravenette.

"Is that so, huh? Never thought that I would have anybody willingly be eaten. You should consider it an honor to have your flesh be destroyed by such a being as I!"

Sanemi didn't know who had more of an ego, this low-level bastard of a demon or the water hashira who's main catchphrase is 'I'm not like you guys.'

After self-praising himself, the demon leaned down, wrapping an arm around Tomioka's throat and hoisting him up in the air. He sputtered as his legs dangled below him, but his arms made no move to fight back, to free himself.

"You know, I enjoy suffocating my victims before consumption, cold food is my favorite. Don't you enjoy a nice, cold treat on a hot day?" The demon mocked him, tightening his grip.

Giyuu coughed, struggle evident on his face while his skin started to turn a faint purple.

'What the hell! Do something you dumbass!' Sanemi gritted his teeth and the realization dawned on him that he might have to save Giyuu. Whatever, it would give him even more of a reason to yell at him. Perfect.

Just as his eyes rolled back in his head and his skin reached a dangerously cold temperature, the wind pillar felt a twitch in his fingers, finding his ability to move again. In a flash, the demon's head was gone and the water pillar's body tumbled to the ground.

The demon cursed, yelling and screaming about how such stupid people could take his head and about how they'd pay for his death.

Nevermind the demon, the hashira just ignored him, turning his attention to the other person. Giyuu was coughing on the ground, holding himself up on his hands and knees, heaving and taking in as much oxygen as he could between choking. The sight only made Sanemi ball his hands into fists and his eyes widen.

Sanemi stepped closer, no, more like stomped, and grabbed a fistful of the back of Tomioka's uniform shirt, flipping him over so he could get a good look at his face. 

"What the hell do you think you're doing, huh? You think you're so much better than the rest of us? You wanna cause problems and let yourself almost get killed? For fucking what, cause you think you can fight without your sword, huh?" The shorter male yelled at him, not any different than normal, shaking him back and forth.

Corps rules be damned, he was gonna beat the shit out of this egocentric bastard.

The gloomy man didn't say anything, just stared deadpan as always at the furious hashira. It's shocking to him how he almost just died and his expression was already back to how it normally is. He stopped shaking him in favor of shoving him away by his chest and huffing at him.

Giyuu caught himself and finally got back on his feet, glancing at Sanemi. He opened his mouth a couple of times to say something, although he just ended up keeping it shut. Everything that Giyuu did seemed to piss the other off.

"What, you not gonna say anything? How about a thank you, you're a hashira you know. I shouldn't be having to save your ass just because you think your better than everyone else." Sanemi ranted to him.

He wasn't exactly expecting him to reply seeing as he ignores people quite often, but clearly he was about to say something judging from the way his brows furrowed a bit. He was anticipating the usual 'I'm different from you all' but what he wasn't expecting was,

"I'm not a hashira."

Well, that was different. Sanemi was left speechless, I mean how the hell was he supposed to respond to that?

Giyuu stood in his spot for a couple more seconds, pausing for dramatic effect or something before turning away and walking towards the tree. The wind pillar didn't even know if he was angry right now, he's honestly still confused about what just happened with the demon. Giyuu bent over and grabbed his katana and haori, sliding his arms through the too big sleeves and putting the sword back on his uniform belt.

Before walking away, he paused, turning around and bowing, muttering a quick thank you for saving me' and heading off into the distance, his silhouette covered by trees.

...

What the fuck.

Not a hashira, what does that even mean? Sanemi stood in place for what felt like an hour just trying to make sense of the situation. He could not believe he was spending this much time having to think about Tomioka fucking Giyuu but he just couldn't wrap his head around it. 

The Master said he needed help, he went to help him, his sword was set aside along with his haori, he told a demon to kill him, didn't fight back, and then claimed he wasn't a hashira. 

The master had to have known Giyuu was in danger, that's why he sent him, but wouldn't he have stopped him ahead of time if he knew he would do something so reckless? There's no reason why he would have taken his haori off either, considering it was folded up there's no way it could've fallen off in a fight. Not to mention they didn't even fight before then. 

See, if Sanemi did something like that it would be because hed given up and didn't care to try anymore. If he lost Genya, his whole reason of living, he would surely do something like tha-

Shit

It's obvious by the aura he carries and his mood that Tomioka is a very unhappy person. There's no way he would let himself die though...

Right?

Chapter Text

Giyuu has always been connected to water. Even before he joined the corps he found himself drawn to the ripples and waves. The fluidity, the way it moved so smoothly only to switch up roughly in a matter of seconds, he felt like he was water personified at times. 

As a boy, he remembered all those times when he would sneak off during the day to go play by the stream, careful not to slip in. After all, Giyuu could not swim. Ironic isn't it, a swordsman who uses water breathing not being able to survive in the same thing that keeps him alive during battle.

Tsutako would sneak up on him, watching from the trees at first as he dangled his legs in the water and stared up at the blue sky. His eyes were almost the same color as the sky back then. Even if it was only his legs in the water, it gave him an extreme calm, a sense of peace in his mind. His thoughts would quiet, his breathing would slow to an even rhythm, and his body would relax into the musky earth below him.

He would feel, the cold from the stream soaking his feet and the grass between his fingers. He would see the sky with its clouds his mind made shapes of, the trees with their big multi-colored leaves and long pointy branches. He would hear the river's current running, although never enough to startle him out of his solitude. He could even taste the air and smell the nature around him when he was like this.

It truly was the epitome of calm.

He desperately missed those days when the current was calm and he could just sit there and think until Tsutako came and got him. It wasn't like that anymore.

No, now it was a raging storm brewing in his mind, constantly. His mind didn't stop for seconds, replaying memories or criticizing himself. Images of his late sister and Sabito repeated themselves on loop, his inner voice telling him it was all his fault. It stressed him out bad.

Maybe that's why he found himself stopping before the river in front of him. He hadn't done something like this in years, hadn't had the chance. His mind was especially bad lately, ever since the incident with Shinazugawa or the time before when Kocho caught him. 

Giyuu stared, watching the slight shake of the stream. The water wasn't moving, nor did it look that deep. Sighing to himself, his shoulders drooped and he took a step forward, and then another until he was standing right on the edge. He slid down to sit, keeping his legs out of the water for now. He just leaned forward, caressing the surface of the water with the tips of his fingers.

And then he slid one leg in.

It was always cold at first, but his body would adjust eventually. He slid the other one in too after a minute or two. It was night out, so of course the water was cooler than most often. The chill seeped into his bones, rising goosebumps off his skin.

Giyuu laid back, just like he used to, putting his back against the ground and sprawling his arms out next to him, toying with the grass between his fingers. This felt nice, really nice.

Back then, he was short and his favorite spot to go to had been a current not too far from his house, except it was decently deep. He was taller now though, tall enough that maybe he could let the water consume him.

The water breather just laid there, breathing steady breaths, feeling but not thinking. How good it felt to not think anymore. He opened his eyes to look up at the sky. Instead of the bright blue that resembled his past happiness, he was met with the pitch black of the night sky that could be compared to his current state. 

Dark and cold was his soul, equivalent to the blanket of night. Even though the sky stretched on, all the way around the world, it probably still felt lonely up there.

Stars starting appearing in the sky before him, twinkling and winking at his lying figure. He guessed the sky wasn't lonely at all since the more he looked, the more stars appeared to give life to the night.

Giyuu needed more. He needed to become one with the calm, needed it to swallow him whole. He shimmied his body down as much as he could without sitting up, his muscles burning from the effort. His thighs were now off the ground, hanging over the edge just above the cold liquid.

He moved his hands closer to him, placing them by his side. He braced his forearms against the ground and pushed up, almost falling off into the water with how close he was. The water was a little past his knees now, soaking his uniform pants as the uncomfortable feeling of his clothes sticking to him arised. 

Giyuu moved his hands beside him again, taking a breath before slowly lowering himself into the water. Inch by inch he was consumed, every worry and trouble sliding off his body the further he went. Eventually, he hit the bottom with his feet.

It was really cold, but he didn't mind. It seeped into his skin, numbing him and carrying away his pain deeper into the sea, dragging it under so he did not have to feel again. The water was leveled right at his chest now, the deepest he had ever been in. He was still holding on to the ledge, but deeming it safe to let go, he took a deep breath and pushed off the river wall.

The water made a splashing noise as he drifted off into the water, careful not to let his head go under. He stood in the middle of the river looking back up at the sky. The water rippled around him, soaking his skin in the calm.

Giyuu leaned back and let his body float. He was actually floating. His hair is really thick, so it retains a lot of water. Because of that, he had to focus a bit on keeping his head up.

His ears were covered by the water though, so he could hear the noise of it. It was beautiful to him, the sounds it made when it was left undisturbed. He supposed he was disturbing it, but he is one with the water right now, and although he isn't the water hashira, he would consider himself being closer to water than others.

All thoughts of Sabito and Tsutako faded as he just drifted. His eyes closed and it truly felt like he was made for this.

His body was sinking deeper into the river, along with his mind. The further he fell under, the more his mind let go.

'I can stay like this forever.'

'I don't have to come up.'

'I belong here.'

Thats what Giyuu was thinking.

His head finally fell under, and he was fully submersed under water, consumed by something other than his grief and guilt for once.

He was tired, too tired to do anything about the burn in his lungs that begged for oxygen. Too tired to move his numb limbs, to pull himself out of his calm.

'Maybe if I breathe in, I can truly become one with the sea.'

Just as he was about to open his mouth to let the water rush in and take him, something small pulled him out of his daze.

"-ioka!"

"-ey!"

His brows furrowed as he tuned out the water and focused on whatever was calling him. Despite the water distorting whatever he was hearing, the voice sounded feminine. Maybe it was Tsutako, calling him to come join her. He missed her, maybe that's why he opened his mouth to call back to her.

...

"Tomioka-san!"

As soon as the muffled noise rang out in his ears through the water, two strong hands reached up to grab him by the arms.

When he broke surface, he erupted into a fit of coughs, water spilling out of his lungs, his hair dripping water into his face. He couldn't see the person in front of him, but they just held his shoulders while he coughed. He thinks they are saying something to him, but he couldn't hear with the water in his ears.

"Oh my goodness! T-Tomioka-san are you okay? Ahhhh, it's freezing. Let's get out of the water!"

That bright and cheerful voice could only belong to the love hashira, Kanroji Misturi. He could admit that he didn't speak to her often, or at all. But even then, she had such a spirit that was hard to ignore, and he respected her a lot for that.

She was strong too, strong enough to pull him out of the water and onto the bed of grass next to it. She wasn't kidding when she said it was freezing, they were both shivering. He finally looked up at her, studying her expression.

He could see in the dim light of the moon that reflected off the water. The tips of her braids were wet, so was her uniform. He felt bad, since her uniform was much more revealing than his was.

"What happened! Did you drown? Can you swim? I don't sense a demon? Why were you in the water?"

The panicked girl rambled on with her questions, rattling off one after the other. Giyuu just stared at her. How was he supposed to explain this?

"I was..."

Giyuu couldn't find the words to explain. Everything died off on his tongue. He landed on the most logical one. She wasn't exactly the brightest bulb so she would probably believe it.

"Training."

Yes. The water breather was simply training with the water to better enhance his techniques and senses. It made a lot of sense when he thought about it. He even convinced himself for a second that that's what he was doing.

"Ahhh, I see! But you should really be more careful, you almost drowned." She said with a frown.

"Yes, thank you for the help. I'm sorry for getting you wet. I'll get going now, it's late." Giyuu abruptly stood up, wanting to get out of this predicament as soon as possible. 

"But- ahh. You should go see Kocho-san... what if you really did get injured?" Her concern was evident in her voice and on her face, but Giyuu brushed it off. 

"I'll be alright. Please get back alright."

Giyuu left after that, not sparing a glance to the girl behind him. He didn't know what he was thinking doing something like that. What he does know is that he would be dead by now if she wasn't there.

'Tsutako, it's gonna be longer before I can be with you again."

...

Mitsuri just watched his retreating figure, tilting her head to the side. 'He really trains hard,' she thought. She had been watching for a couple minutes at first, not sure what the shape in the water was.

She though it was just a shadow at first, but when the light caught the side of his haori that could be recognized anywhere, she realized it was the water hashira.

"Poor Tomioka-san. I interrupted his training. I hope he's okay though." She spoke to herself while walking away.

Call her crazy, maybe it was the water distorting the sight, or bad lighting, but she could've sworn Tomioka was smiling just before she pulled him up.

...

Giyuu felt slightly better than normal, like a weight was lifted off his shoulders. All of his troubles and pain had been absorbed by the stream, carrying it down the river and away from himself.

He was grateful to Kanroji, he wouldn't be able to feel this way if she hadn't had saved him. He wouldn't even have been able to feel again.

He was the water, and the water was him. The calm he felt when being pulled under was a peace he didn't deserve the luxury of having. Nonetheless, his mind calmed down from a raging tsunami, to a still pond with thriving fish. Just like he used to be.

In that water, he truly had been a tranquil river under the glow of stars.

Chapter Text

Originally, Obanai was extremely happy to be able to spend a day with the love hashira. Both of their busy schedules finally opened up to create an opportunity for them to go grab lunch at a cute little cafe that Mitsuri frequented at.

Originally, he had planned to spend the date admiring her eating habits and listening to her cute rants about missions and cute animals she saw.

However, you can't always get what you want, can you?

...

"Ahhh Iguro-san! This food is so good, isn't it!" She said, grinning while taking another bite out of her meal. 

Seeing her smiling like that always made him shy, so he settled for a small nod instead of any kind of verbal response.

A few more minutes go by of him watching her eating, and her talking about a boy she saved that reminded her of her younger brother.

"He was really sweet, I feel bad though. He got injured, luckily it wasn't too deep." She ended her sentence with a frown, her empathy clear on her face.

"I'm sure he was alright. You saved him after all."

Mitsuri turned to face him, beaming. She nodded her head a couple times in agreement. She turned back to face her food, her face suddenly getting a bit more serious.

"What's wrong? Did something happen? Is the food bad?" Obanai rattled off questions one after the other. He didn't want to her to be in a bitter mood compared to her usual bright spirit. He was desperate to make sure this date went perfectly.

"I just remembered something, that's all." She reassured the man in front of her. She looked like she was thinking about something. "Tell me," Obanai insisted, Kaburamaru hissing on his shoulder. 

This lunch with the love hashira was one he wanted nothing bad to happen on, considering it was the first in a while. He didn't want to here about people dying from demons or hashira related business.

However, the one thing, the one person that he did not want to hear anything about, (he didn't even think he could hear about him), was Tomioka Giyuu.

"That same night, I found Tomioka-san drowning in a nearby river..."

Of course Giyuu managed to ruin his lunch without him even being present for it. Obanai just cocked his head to the side, giving Kanroji a signal to continue.

"He said he was just training, but when I pulled him up, he started coughing badly. The river wasn't anywhere near his estate either, and it was midnight. It was just very odd, don't you think Iguro-san?"

He just clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes, resting his chin on his hand. "I think if he's so weak that he almost drowns, than he shouldn't be a hashira." 

"Be nice, Iguro-san! I hope he's okay though, he left immediately after I pulled him up." And with that, the conversation shifted back to what it was before, thank god, and the two forget entirely about the water hashira.

...

Originally, he was supposed to be training with the wind pillar today. He had shown up to his estate and they agreed to practice sword skills.

Originally, their break time that they had evertyime they trained together was spent talking about anything and enjoying some ohagi that Shinazugawa liked. And of course, just like his date with Kanroji, he just had to hear about the fucking water pillar.

...

"I'm telling you man, he's fucking stupid as hell." Sanemi hit his fit against the wooden table, the cups of water spilling over a bit as the sun from the opened sliding door made the sweat on their skin glisten.

How the hell did they even get on this topic?

"Shinazugawa, slow down. What happened with that asshole anyways?" Obanai cast a curious glance at him. Seriously, one minute they were talking about fighting techniques and the next he's yelling to himself about something entirely unrelated. 

"Tomioka, that fucker. The dumbass almost let himself get killed. I swear, if I wasn't there he would've died," Sanemi muttered with knitted eyebrows. 

At the mention of Tomioka almost dying, he recalled what Mitsuri told him about him drowning. Sanemi looked so over the conversation, so Obanai just decided to leave it alone.

A curious feeling crept up his spine though. He wasn't an idiot by any means. Once was an accident, although one he shouldn't be making, and twice was a coincidence. However, in all of his years of living, he never believed in coincidences. To him, they always felt like a way scared people could ignore obvious signs from a higher power. That being said, Tomioka Giyuu almost dying twice by something he was entirely in control of could only mean one thing in his eyes.

As much as he hated him, the corps needed him. He's a pillar, one of the people stabilizing the corp. He may think he's better than the rest of them, (which is total bullshit), but that doesn't mean he's entirely uselsss. He couldn't let him die for that reason, no matter how depressed he was.

Sanemi and his self-appointed break was over, and so they continued to spar, this time Obanai did not forget about Giyuu, letting him linger in the back of his mind. He kept the thought there as a reminder to beat his ass later for backing out of his duty.

...

Originally, Obanai would rather have gotten killed by a demon than have to be anywhere near Tomioka Giyuu. That was before anyways, things were different now.

It wasn't him caring about the water pillar, is what he kept telling himself. Yes, he hated his guts, no, he couldn't let him die. He was a hashira afterall, as much as he didn't act like it.

But times change, people too. Obanai would be lying if he said he hasn't given up before as well. Maybe that's why he feels the need to do something about it.

Who knows, maybe this is a situation of curiosity killing the cat.

...

Originally, today would have been like every other day. He'd wake up in darkness, alone, and stare at the ceiling for however long he felt like. He would let his thoughts consume him and he would swim around in his grief. Sometimes his crow would start cawing at him to get up for a mission, and he would do so reluctantly. Other times he would have to get up to train, his bones feeling heavy and his heart feeling empty. On the rare occasion that neither of those happened, he would simply lay in bed all day, sleeping off his sadness (although it doesn't help), ignoring his basic human needs. If Kocho found out about that, she would chide him and make the butterfly girls watch over him.

Today has never happened before.

...

"It's all your fault, Giyuu."

"You killed us."

"How could you do this to us?"

"Your so weak, it's pathetic."

"You couldn't even protect us like we protected you."

No, no no no no no nonononono-

Giyuu couldn't breathe, he felt his lungs tightening, the air he normally had control over leaving him. His knees buckled and he fell over to hit the ground. His eyes were watering, an ache in his chest beginning to bloom.

Tsutako and his Sabito, they stood in front of him, crowding him. They whispered all of Giyuu's thoughts back to him. Though, those were probably thoughts they had as well. The blame was entirely on him, no one else, He killed them. He's useless. Pathetic. Weak. He deserved to die, not them.

Black dots started forming in his vision, taking away his sight. And his thoughts never stopped, reminding him of who he was and what he had done. He was drowning on land, collapsing fully on the ground as he reached a hand up to grab at anything, his survival instinct kicking in despite his desire to give up fighting.

Sabito stepped on his hand. He heard the crunch of a bone breaking and the sharp pain ripped through his body almost immediately, a silent scream leaving his mouth.

He wanted to apologize, beg them to come back so he could die for them. He knew it wouldn't work, but he needed it to. He needed them to know that he was sorry. Needed them to see how he suffers the guilt every second of his stupid life.

The last of the oxygen left his lungs, and his vision had gone entirely dark, leaving him twitching on the ground and cradling his hand.

"Giyuu. How about you just kill yourself already?" Sabito ended that sentence with a smirk. 

Giyuu couldn't see him, could barely hear him over the sound of his heart pumping in his ears. He could feel though, and he felt the pain of his stomach being kicked in with the force of a boulder. His stomach lurched and he somehow managed to cough. His elbow brushed something, a foot maybe, and he reached out to touch it. He didn't know why he did that, to stop it or maybe just to feel his loved ones again.

He was lying on his back now, even with his blindness he could tell they were standing over him, laughing and mocking. Then a swift kick was delivered to his chest-

...

Giyuu shot up in bed, out of breath and sweating. It looked like he had just ran up and down a mountain. His hair was disheveled and the phantom pain he was experiencing was excruciating. He clutched his chest with his hand "non-injured" hand, hanging his head down and coughing. 

Everything was too hot, too tight and too stuffy. He could barely move his limbs and could barely think, his body was in panic mode. He shook violently, squinting his eyes as his vision blurred. He remembered a breathing exercise Kocho taught him, that was meant to calm. The realization hit him that his hand wasn't actually hurt, and so he grabbed the futon and began breathing. Or trying to, it just sounded like a dying animal at first. His breath was shaky as he inhaled, like he was unsure if he was doing it right. He took deep and slow breaths, his lungs expanding and contracting as he finally managed to think again. The pain began to leave his body while the clouds in his mind cleared.

He finally calmed down. Finally. The morning light was shining faintly through his estate. Reasonably, he knew he had to get up and get water. His mouth was incredibly dry, his lips chapped and his whole body felt weak. He reached up to touch his face, his thumb brushing something wet.

Was he, crying?

Of course he was. Because he is too weak to handle something like that. Even though Sabito and Tsutako had it much worse than him.

Really, how pathetic and ungrateful is he?

He brought his hand down to eye level, examining the tear on his thumb. These were the same tears he cried when he found out about Sabito after he woke up. His eyes were probably so full of life back then, when we had his best friend.

His limb dropped back down to his side, the strength in it leaving him from exhaustion. With a sigh, he braced himself before planting his hands in front of him and pushing himself to stand. He wobbled a bit, his legs weak and feeling foreign to him. He stood in his yukata for a minute, a grace period. 

He made his way out of his dim room, steadying himself on the wall as if he was a sick patient in a hospital. The kitchen was across the hall from his room, containing the water he was so desperately craving. 

The kitchen door slides open as he steps inside to grab himself water, maybe food although he doubts he could stomach it. He remembers back when his nightmares were more frequent. That was back around the time he lost them. They had decreased over the painful years, but this was the first one in a while.

The water that glided down his throat was cold, icing over his body as he chugged as much as he could to regain his composure. The cold water reminded him of Sabito in a way. Sharp and a bother around winter, but always welcome during a summer day. In other words, he was is there when you needed him most. He clutched the glass of water harder, enough to break it. It was always a toss-up of anger and sadness that tormented Giyuu when he was faced with memories of those two.

It didn't seem like he had a mission today, looks like he would train today since he was already up out of bed. It would give him an excuse to take his anger out.

...

"Haah!"

Giyuu striked the bokuto against the tree again, the burning sensation of his muscles being used repetitively ignored. The more he trained, the more his anger builded into something more. A storm brewed in his mind, his heart. He felt the wrath of it in his limbs when he struck, his eyes when he pierced the tree with his cold gaze. 

He didn't care if it hurt anymore, he needed the pain actually. The pain meant suffering, and the suffering was something he deserved for being alive. The anger wasn't necessarily at the world for being so strong in its hate, but for his weakness in love. The weakness that led to their death. 

His hands began to blister a while ago with red marks forming. The sweat trailed down his skin as the midday heat scorched him. He swung his body as the impact of the wooded sword rattled his body. His grunts of pain and exertion could be heard so loud it almost scared off the birds. 

With each collision, he felt it. His incapability and uselessness. His despair and grief. 

Sabito

'Thwack'

Tsutako

'Smack'

Useless

'Clack'

Pathetic!

'Crunch'

"Why are you so fucking worthless?" Tomioka spoke to himself, his voice cracking. A sob tore from his throat as the tears fell.

"Just die already!" 

'Sssssssss'

"Just-!"

A hand grabbed his wrist before the sword could connect to the tree. His sentence faltered on his tongue, not even sure what he was planning to say. His words had been fueled by his hate. Although the tears in his eyes inhibited his sight, he could see in his peripheral. A shorter figure, a black and white haori, the sounds of a snake. Iguro Obanai, the serpent hashira.

The bokuto slipped from his hands and his knees buckled, just like in his nightmare. Obanai let go of his wrist as he fell forward to sit. 

This was beginning to happen too often for his liking. He was used to being alone, why did people insist on bothering him now? It felt like everytime he was having a bad day, someone was there. Obanai narrowed his eyes at his crying and kneeling figure. The red welts on his hand were noticeable against his pale skin. 

"You may think you're better than the rest of us, but that doesn't make me stupid." Obanai spoke, Kaburamaru hissing on his shoulder to back him up. Tomioka slowly craned his neck up to look at him. The tears had subsided now. He wasn't sure what he was talking about, although he did have a vague notion of what he was confronting him about.

"I'm not sure what you mean," he spoke in careful words. Obanai furrowed his brows. Fine, he wants to play dumb, so be it.

"I know what you've been trying to do. Kanroji and Shinazugawa told me."

Oh, that's fucking perfect.

"I'm not sure what you're talking about. I have to get back to training. Please leave." Giyuu feigned innocence, pretending that the other man didn't just see him having a literal breakdown. Of course those two just had to say something about that.

Obanai speaks again, his gravelly voice both irritating and soothing to listen to. "Listen, even if your attitude is shitty and we would all love nothing more than to replace you, we can't. The other slayers are weak, nobody is capable of replacing you at the moment."

"What does that have to do with me?" He spoke slightly annoyed and passive-agressively. His leftover anger from early peaked through the curtains in his body language and voice.

"We can't afford to lose a hashira, that's what it means. Stop trying to give up and just accept that this is your life." Tomioka didn't know what to say. He had never been good with words or social interactions, but even then it's very awkward to be confronted about something like this.

This is my life

The words rung in his head, echoed in every corner. Yes, this is his life. His sad and pathetic, quiet and useless, bland and okay life. 

"I'll leave you to your training. Don't try anything stupid again." Obanai spoke before turning around and walking out of his estate. 

...

Giyuu's estate is somewhat secluded, and definitely far from the serpent estate. 'He came all the way out here to tell me that,' he realized. Maybe, just maybe, people do care about him.

He remembers when he used to have nightmares quite often, they would ruin his whole day, sometimes his whole week. Waking up the way he did that morning, in nonexistent pain, crying, and having a panic attack was not a great way to start the day. Neither was his anger building to the point of him almost destroying himself through training. It seemed almost impossible for the day to end well. That was until someone who doesn't even like him showed up to, what? Confront him?Comfort him? It didn't matter anymore, because whatever he did had worked. He did feel better

The effects of his rage showed on his skin in red fading to purple. His palms looked as though he was a child who had been punished by his parents. They stung as he took a warm bath to wash away his emotions.

He layed back down in his bed that night, repeating Obanai's words to himself like a mantra. A lifeline.

This is my life

He couldn't give up yet, he needed to avenge them. Kill the demons first, and then he could kill himself too. That was what he needed to do.

This would be his life