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Virgil’s consciousness flitted between sleep and some sort of half-awake state, the comfort of his bed and his sleepiness dragging him back down, but there was something bothering him, stinging in his eyes, and it took a while before Virgil was awake enough to form the thought that he must have forgotten to close his blinds.
He didn’t remember opening them, but he must have because the morning sun was shining right into the room, nearly blinding Virgil right through his eyelids no matter if he rolled away from the light or not.
Virgil stubbornly tried to ignore it, not wanting to give up on the sleepiness that pleasantly clung to him, not just yet. It would be so easy to just drift off again… Well, if it wasn’t for the sun, annoyingly lighting up the room and bothering him so much that he was waking up anyway.
Virgil pushed himself up, grumpily squinting against the brightness of his room only to instantly forget all about the sun as he realized with a jolt in the pit of his stomach that he wasn’t in his room at all.
This was Logan’s room, and of course the curtains were undrawn because Logan didn’t ever shut them, he didn’t even have blinds or anything and his walls were the same boring bright white as it had been years ago when they had moved in together, and if this was Logan’s room then-
Virgil practically held his breath as he slowly turned to the side, not sure what he hoped to find but what he did find was Logan, right there next to him, sound asleep, and last night was coming back to Virgil far quicker than he would have liked.
No.
Shit. Shit .
Virgil did know how this had happened.
Or, well- They had been out celebrating with two of their mutual friends yesterday, Patton had gotten a promotion and invited them all out for some drinks and catching up, and it had been nice, really nice, even if neither Virgil nor Logan ever really drank much.
He had sipped two ciders over the course of the evening and Logan had had some wine, how much Virgil didn’t know but it wasn’t as if either of them had been drunk or anything, but he supposed it had been enough for them both to get back home a bit tipsy.
It had been past midnight once they did and Logan had almost immediately said that he was going to get ready for bed, despite it being the weekend and neither of them having any plans for the next day, and Virgil had had to hide how he had been a little bit disappointed, having hoped they might stay up a little longer, sit down together on the couch maybe and watch sometime or just talk and just… be close.
Instead they had brushed their teeth, Virgil too even if he hadn’t thought he would go to bed just yet, and then instead of actually getting into bed they had gotten distracted talking about something, about what Virgil didn’t even remember, but they had been lingering in Logan's doorway, talking, and-
He’d kissed him. Virgil had kissed him, and Logan had tasted like minty toothpaste and wine and it should really not have been a winning combination in any way but Virgil remembered with startling clarity just how much he had enjoyed kissing him anyway.
Which, alright, huge shocker there as Virgil had wanted to kiss Logan for months now, maybe even longer than that, but it didn’t matter because he shouldn’t be kissing Logan at all, for so many reasons, starting and ending with the fact that they lived together , and not to even mention that they were friends, best friends, and they couldn’t just risk all of that.
Except apparently they could as he remembered how the kissing had turned into making out on Logan’s bed, hands wandering, and exactly what that had led to and–fuck–Virgil might have fantasized about exactly that plenty of times but he would have never thought it could be anything else than just that, a fantasy, hopeless and unnattainable.
Virgil really didn’t think being tipsy justified the choices they had made last night, not one of them, and he pressed both hands to his face as if it would somehow alleviate his rising panic and the burning flush to his face.
It almost felt as if he wasn’t allowed to think about it, to replay his own memories of what should have never happened, some kind of stolen moment that wasn’t supposed to happen to him .
Any comfortable sleepiness that had been clinging to him as he woke up was long gone as he sat there, frozen and panicking as he remembered all of it, and it was a long moment until he lowered his hands into his lap and glanced at his sleeping roommate again.
He had spent what had felt like forever wondering if Logan might possibly feel the same way and always felt stupid the whole time because, why would he? But he must have some kind of feelings for him given everything that had happened last night, or …what?
Logan wasn’t the kind of person to sleep around, he didn’t do one night stands and he definitely didn’t sleep around with friends, those were things he had said himself, the latter which Virgil had later remembered with depressing hopelessness once he had realized how he really felt for him earlier that year.
Maybe Logan had been drunker than Virgil had thought, except he’d seen Logan drunk and last night wasn’t it, but maybe he would wake up today with a clear head and realize what a mistake last night had been.
Virgil didn’t know, he had no idea what Logan would think, what he had been thinking yesterday, Virgil didn’t even know what he himself had been thinking yesterday kissing Logan, the only thing he knew was that the whole thing was a recipe for potential disaster in too many ways for him to not freak out about it.
And then of course an alarm on Logan’s phone went off, because naturally he was the kind of crazy person that would have an alarm even on weekends and naturally Virgil was unlucky enough that it would ring now , the sudden noise making him jolt so badly that Logan should have felt it through the mattress.
Virgil thought that somehow he’d missed it, watching as Logan groaned and blindly reached out for his phone, fumbling for it on his nightstand and almost knocking his glasses onto the floor before managing to silence the alarm.
Then he rolled over onto his back, blinking sleepily before his eyes fell on Virgil, who was sitting there completely motionless as if a reenactment of a statue would hide him, watching how Logan paused and practically seeing how his half asleep brain remembered everything that had happened last night too, the tips of his ears going distinctly red.
“Good morning.” Logan said, and Virgil saw how he quickly glanced him up and down, making him acutely aware of how he wasn’t wearing any clothes below the bedcovers, not since Logan had helped him get them off last night. Fuck.
“Morning.” Virgil managed, a beat of silence passing between them afterwards as neither of them seemed to know what to say. Was there even an appropriate response to waking up in his roommate’s bed?
“Did you sleep well?” Logan asked, just like he always did when Virgil would stumble into the kitchen for his morning coffee, as if this was like any other morning.
“Yeah, um, yeah. I’m gonna- I need the bathroom.” Virgil said, stumbling over his words the whole way and throwing out the first excuse he could think of before slipping out of Logan’s bed. He dove for his clothes, strewn over the floor, unsure if Logan’s eyes were still on him and not daring to check as he hurried out of there in yesterday’s t-shirt and underwear.
He hoped that his fleeing did not look as much like the flight it was.
Virgil shut himself in the bathroom, standing right there leaning against the locked door for a solid couple of minutes before his brain finally connected enough with his body to realize that he really did need the toilet, and he sat there having his most panicked pee in a while.
He washed his hands, then had an anxious staring contest with himself in the mirror on the bathroom cabinet, asking himself how he was supposed to face Logan now because what was he even supposed to say?
Would they talk about it? It was that or pretending like it had never happened, two options that scared Virgil equally as much.
He wasn’t sure he could act like nothing, not with how long he had wanted something like this, and there was no saying how awkward things might get if they were just going to go around not talking about it.
But talking about it might be just as awkward, or worse, even. Because what if it wasn’t a big thing to Logan, not like it was to Virgil. What if it wasn’t something that had happened because Logan felt anything special for him, what if it had just happened?
He was standing there, playing out nightmare scenarios of how either choice might fuck things up in different ways until there was a quick, quiet knock against the bathroom door, coupled with Logan’s voice.
“I don’t mean to rush you but I really need to use the toilet.” He called and Virgil snapped back to reality, shaking his head as if it could rid him of the visions of their friendship falling apart.
“One second.” He said, quickly wiping his hands on the nearest towel and giving himself a moment to hype himself up that he was totally not going to freak out about this and not at all make things more awkward than they needed to be before unlocking the door and having to face his roommate.
Virgil left the door open as he stepped past him, not quite looking at Logan as he did and not hearing the door close again until he had already made a turn into the kitchen and, god, he was being so obviously and painfully awkward that he didn’t know what to do with himself.
This was exactly why he had spent months and months pining and not once actually done anything about his feelings, he hadn’t even as much as told anyone about them, not even their friends.
Though, from the way Roman looked at him sometimes he thought he must know, or at least suspect, and just that was terrible because the last thing he had wanted was any kind of pressure to talk about it. And now what choice did he have?
Virgil made their usual morning coffee practically on autopilot, getting halfway through the process before realizing that he didn’t even want coffee, he was too anxious and if anything it would just take him from internally freaking out to visibly trembling.
He should probably take his anxiety medication before he managed to spiral entirely and make things really awkward, but the anxiety meds are in the bathroom with Logan so that was a no go and he made himself some tea instead as the coffee brewed, the kind with no caffeine that he would drink in the evenings to wind down.
He stood there, trying to take slow, normal breaths while clutching his tea and staring at the coffee that dripped into the pot on the counter across the kitchen, telling himself that he knew Logan and no matter what, at the very least he couldn’t picture him being mean about it, even if a nice rejection really wouldn’t hurt much less. And, besides, a rejection was just one out of several possible outcomes.
Logan joined him in the kitchen not much later, Virgil steeling himself as soon as he heard the bathroom door open again but all that Logan did when he came into the kitchen was to give him a glance then smile almost unnoticeably as Virgil pointed him towards the ready coffee.
Unnoticeable to anyone else than Virgil who could read every barely smile and almost smile that Logan showed after knowing him for so many years.
He’d like to think that he could read Logan better than most, and he probably could too but he had always been hopelessly clueless when it came to figuring out if there was even a semblance of a chance that Logan might feel the same.
Okay, what had happened should be a definite clue that he did, and Virgil was probably overthinking way too much, as always, but he couldn’t be sure of it. And he had to be sure.
Virgil moved himself to the kitchen table, sitting down and letting his eyes linger on Logan as he poured himself his coffee, adding both milk and sugar before taking his usual seat opposite Virgil.
They sat there in silence for a tortuously long moment, Virgil tapping his fingers against his cup and feeling his heartbeat in his throat as Logan looked up at him, their eyes meeting.
“I think we should probably… talk.” Logan said, stringing together probably the scariest combination of words there was, but Virgil released a breath of something that might have almost been relief.
At least they weren’t ignoring it.
“Yeah.” He said, very bravely agreeing instead of what he really wanted to do, which was to find any excuse to get out of the apartment and avoid this conversation forever. Unfortunately that wasn’t really a thing he could do without consequences, so, talking it was.
Except neither of them seemed to have any clue what to say next, still sitting there and just looking at each other during yet another stretch of silence.
Virgil worried his lip between his teeth, trying to keep himself from freaking out worse but it wasn’t very easy when Logan of all people didn’t even know what to say.
Someone needed to say something, before things became unbearably awkward. But this really wasn’t the kind of thing they were good at, even if they were far more vulnerable with each other than anyone else. Logan wasn’t all that comfortable talking about emotions to begin with, and Virgil freaked out about everything in general.
“Do you regret it?” Virgil threw out before having the opportunity to talk himself out of it, his heart racing as Logan raised a brow.
“Should I?” He said, giving Virgil pause. Should he?
No, because Virgil didn’t want him to.
Yes, because acting on these kinds of feelings would change things, it meant they would have to acknowledge that either they both felt the same or they didn’t, and either way that would mean that their friendship, which was the most comfortable and easy part of Virgil’s life, would change into something different.
“Do you?” Virgil asked again, hands wrapped tightly around his cup, fingers no longer tapping, burning himself on the hot porcelain and quickly pulling his hands away, tucking them into his lap instead.
“I don’t.” Logan said without hesitating or pausing to think it over first and Virgil thought he should really say something, something like how he didn’t either, or that he did, but he was too busy trying to comprehend the fact that Logan didn’t. He didn’t regret it.
Which meant- what, exactly? That he was pining after Virgil just as badly as Virgil was pining after him? Or that the sex had been good?
“Have I somehow given you the impression that I did not enjoy last night?” Logan asked, just almost smiling, the amusement clear in his eyes as Virgil’s face flushed. No, he hadn’t, they had both very obviously liked it, but liking it in the moment didn’t mean not regretting it later, or it not having consequences that might ruin things forever.
“No, but-” he said, struggling, “I mean-”
Virgil pressed his lips together, unsure what it was he wanted to get said, and decided that it was a better idea to shut up than say something stupid. Logan watched him for a moment, Virgil could practically see how he was thinking, and then he did hesitate as he spoke.
“Do… you regret it?” He asked slowly and there was something in how he said it that made Virgil ignore how the obvious answer to that question, to him at least, was that it wildly depended on how the next few days or, hell, the rest of their lives would play out.
“No.” He said instead, even if there was a slight unsteadiness to his voice as he admitted it. Virgil hoped that it was unnoticeable, and he saw how Logan’s shoulders relaxed, as if he had been bracing himself for Virgil’s answer, as if his answer had told him what he had needed to know.
Virgil did not feel like Logan’s answer had told him much at all, or that his own answer had really answered anything important either. Not regretting something was not the obvious enough confirmation that Virgil needed.
It might just mean they weren’t going to go around being awkward about it. That it was something that had happened but just …casually? Which it totally could have been if it weren’t for Virgil’s very much gay feelings for him.
Logan took a small sip of his coffee, the steam fogging up his glasses like it always did and Virgil sat there watching Logan put his cup down again and take his glasses off to wipe them against his shirt and thinking that he really wanted to sit there and see Logan’s coffee fog his glasses up every morning for the rest of his life.
Which was one of those stupidly sappy kinds of thoughts that just left Virgil unsure of what to do with himself, as if his feelings were just too overwhelming for him to handle.
“What does it mean,” he blurted out, needing to know right then, with no more stalling and no more overthinking, “like, for us, for you, what does it mean that you don’t regret it?”
Logan blinked, putting his glasses back on and meeting his eyes for a mere second before averting his gaze again, fixing his eyes in the general area of his coffee cup.
“It means that this was something that I had wanted to happen for quite a while now,” Logan said without quite looking at him, only glancing up very quickly as he continued, “and I am hoping that it happened because you feel the same for me as I do for you.”
Virgil’s heart was racing so loud in his chest that he was glad it wasn’t drowning out Logan’s voice, hanging onto each word that he spoke, barely daring to believe that he was hearing him correctly.
(Maybe this whole thing was a dream and he’d wake up in his own room, alone and disappointed, or maybe it was a really elaborate hallucination, not that Virgil had ever had a hallucination before, or maybe-)
“That is to say, that I have- that I have been in love with you for longer than I’d like to admit, and I hope that I am not alone in that.” Logan said, his face having grown steadily redder throughout his confession, more flustered now than he had been last night.
“And that we can maybe… act on it now.” He added and Virgil felt most of his trepidation evaporate then and there because, sure, there were a ton of things to worry about, and he was absolutely going to freak out about all of them later but just knowing that his feelings weren’t unrequited was enough for him to forget about all that, at least for now.
“I hope so too.” Virgil said, fighting a blush just at the thought of getting to do that, to actually act on his feelings and all those little impulses to kiss Logan whenever he smiled or just happened to look particularly pretty, which was most times.
“And you’re not. Alone, I mean. I’ve had feelings for you for months.” He said, leaving out the part of how most of those months had been spent panicking about it, and how he was really equally scared of a rejection as this.
But Logan smiled at his words, nothing unnoticeable or subtle about it, and Virgil found that it was really, really difficult to think about anything else than how badly he wanted to feel that smile against his lips again.
“Good,” Logan said, shoulders visibly untensing, “that’s good. I didn’t… Honestly, I did not think I had much of a chance. And I have worried about how things might change because of my feelings.”
“Me too.” Virgil said quietly and wrapped his hands loosely around his cup of tea.
He didn’t want to get into all his anxieties about them being in a relationship, not now as it would just have him spiralling worse than he had before this conversation, but it eased his mind that Logan might just be worrying about the same things that he was.
Maybe they could tackle the uncertainty and fears that came with this kind of change to their relationship… together. And maybe things would even be fine. Right now it was easier than ever to believe.