Chapter Text
After the thank-you dinner, Xie Lian started to run into San Lang all around the neighborhood, much to his delight. The first time they met by chance was three days later. Their conversation was a bit awkward at first, but things seemed to go back to the same easy atmosphere of their dinner conversation after Xie Lian enthusiastically told San Lang the latest good news: the shelter where he volunteered had suddenly received a huge anonymous donation of pet food.
They chatted like that a few times, meeting briefly on the street corners. Then, one afternoon, they talked for hours on the bench in the park where Xie Lian had found E-Ming. Or rather, where Mingming had found him, as Xie Lian liked to put it. Whenever he used that nickname, San Lang teased him, saying that the demon cat had entirely bewitched him. Xie Lian could not argue with that. It was true.
Unfortunately, the days were growing shorter, and the moments one could sit outside for hours would be drawing to an end soon.
A week after that, they ran into each other as Xie Lian was struggling with his grocery shopping. San Lang helped him carry his bags despite his protests. Xie Lian was nervous about inviting his new friend into his humble home, but San Lang did not seem to find anything odd with how small or old the place was. Instead, he commented on all the charming decorations and little bits and pieces Xie Lian had collected to make this a welcoming place, and Xie Lian felt proud and happy that these things did not go unnoticed by San Lang.
On top of those chance encounters, there was now a constant stream of cat pictures coming to Xie Lian's phone. These often led to longer text conversations, and after some time, Xie Lian grew accustomed to sending little snippets and pieces of trivia that he came across in his daily life. There were surprisingly many things that reminded him of San Lang and of the topics they talked about. San Lang was always quick to reply, and Xie Lian started to smile in anticipation whenever his phone made a noise that promised a message from his new friend.
One afternoon, about three weeks after their first meeting, Xie Lian was looking at the display of delicious treats in his favorite bakery when he suddenly heard a deep voice right next to his ear.
"Seems like we had the same idea on how to sweeten our day."
Xie Lian jumped a little. As he looked up, he found San Lang standing right next to him with a grin on his face.
"Looks like it," Xie Lian replied happily, as he tried to convince his heart to settle down after being startled by this surprise encounter.
"Do you have plans? We could get something to go and have tea at my place —that is, if you want another round of cat hair all over you." San Lang winked at him.
"I don't have any plans."
"Great! Do you know what you like?"
He did. They ordered a whole bunch of sweets to go. San Lang was adamant about paying for all of it, so Xie Lian surrendered. He would simply have to find a way to make up for it later.
They chatted leisurely on their way back to San Lang's apartment. Xie Lian told him that there had been more anonymous donations to the shelter, and San Lang smiled back at him, mirroring his joy.
As they walked on, Xie Lian tried to stifle a big yawn, but failed.
"Are you tired, gege? Did you not sleep well?"
Xie Lian shook his head and tried to laugh it off. "Not really. Pei Ming, my new neighbor upstairs, is rather… active. In his… dating life." He felt a blush creeping up and did not dare look at San Lang. "He moved in like four weeks ago. He’s quite good-looking, I guess, so it's probably no wonder he has a lot of dates, but I wish he wouldn’t take all of them home. It's been a bit exhausting."
When San Lang did not reply right away, Xie Lian glanced sideways to watch his expression. His brows were furrowed, and a dark look had spread across his face.
"Gege, does he bother you?"
"No, no, it's fine," Xie Lian replied, confused by San Lang’s reaction. "He's allowed to do that."
"If you say so," San Lang said after a short pause. "Although, what I meant to ask is if he's bothered you in the sense of making you uncomfortable with anything, like asking you out repeatedly, not respecting your boundaries, or something like that."
Xie Lian looked at San Lang, surprised. The thought had not occurred to him at all. "I don't think so."
He stopped to ponder it. Had Pei Ming been flirting with him? He knew he was not always good at noticing these things. His new neighbor had invited him over once, a few days after the man had moved in. The wording, in hindsight, might have sounded a bit suggestive. But Pei Ming had accepted Xie Lian’s polite rejection right away, had not broached the subject again, and had treated him respectfully after that. Well, he did wink at him quite a lot, but Xie Lian figured that was just his way of greeting people.
"It's fine, please don't worry about it. He’s a nice neighbor, all in all." He patted San Lang's arm, which seemed to calm the other man down.
"I didn’t want to overstep, gege. I’ve met too many people like that, and I couldn’t stand the thought of someone bothering you," San Lang said.
Xie Lian was a bit stunned by this explanation.
"I appreciate your concern." Could he say how nice it felt that someone was looking out for him? He did not want to sound needy or put pressure on San Lang. "I just wouldn’t want you to worry unnecessarily. He’s a nice guy, I think. And I'm pretty sure I could take him, so…"
San Lang let out an inquisitive hum.
Xie Lian shrugged. "I’ve been taking self-defense classes since I was ten, and I’ve been teaching these classes the past few years. I'm quite fit and know how to bring a man to his knees or on his back."
He looked up as San Lang broke out in a violent cough and padded his back gently.
"Are you okay, San Lang?"
"Yes, gege, thank you." San Lang waved him off, his face red from coughing. "Just got something in my throat there. That's great! Wow, you do so much! Teaching classes, that's amazing."
Xie Lian refrained from explaining that he was doing that as volunteer work as well, as he was certain that he could not handle any more compliments. Luckily, he was spared the need to answer as they had arrived at San Lang's apartment.
The tea, the sweets, E-Ming cuddling up on his lap in a perfect croissant shape, and San Lang's constant attention warmed Xie Lian's body, heart, and soul on the cold fall day. If he had not needed to get to work at some point, it would have been almost impossible to bring himself to leave.
At the door, he mustered the courage to pose the question he had been dying to ask for the past few weeks.
"San Lang, would you mind… would it be okay for you… if I read one of your books? I looked up your last novel, ‘The Ghost Inside Me’, because I was so curious. It sounded so interesting, but I did not dare to buy it. I wanted to make sure you wouldn't mind…"
He cut off his stammering and finally dared to look at San Lang with his cheeks burning.
San Lang looked at him with big eyes.
"Of course, gege! To tell you the truth, I feel honored that you want to spend your time reading one of my books."
"Oh. That's good." Xie Lian let out a breath. "In that case…"
He would never have the nerves again if he did not carry on now. He focused his attention on slipping into his jacket to avoid looking at San Lang's face, and asked as if in passing, "What did you say your pseudonym was? Like the one from your other novels?"
"I didn't."
Xie Lian turned his head at him in surprise.
San Lang chuckled. "I didn’t know those were the kind of books you liked?" He asked with a smirk.
Xie Lian was blushing hard. "No, it's not… I don't…"
"Relax, gege. I'm just messing with you. A lot of people like to read books like those, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! And let’s not forget that I was the one who wrote them, so I'm certainly in no position to judge."
"It's just… I wanted to ask, because it was you who wrote them," Xie Lian muttered.
When he looked up, San Lang stared at him with a strange look on his face, which somehow made Xie Lian's insides tingle so much he almost squealed.
"Give me a moment, gege," San Lang responded with a smile and walked over to his study.
After a few minutes of painstaking waiting on Xie Lian’s part, San Lang came back with two books in his hand. One of them had a colorful painted illustration on its cover, which showed two lightly dressed men in a passionate embrace, probably pirates, as one of them was wearing an eye patch and a tricorn hat. It was titled "The Storm in My Heart". The other book seemed almost plain in contrast. It had a dark red binding, adorned with the carving of a silver flame in thin outlines and an equally silver heading, "The Ghost Inside Me".
San Lang handed him both books. "Here, I’ve some extra copies of my newer ones. These are for you."
"No, San Lang, that's not what I—"
"I know, gege," San Lang interrupted him with a smile. "But I insist."
"Thank you!" Xie Lian took the books reverently and beamed at him. "That's so sweet of you. I will treasure them."
"Well, 'The Storm in My Heart' deserves nothing less." San Lang grinned. "Take care. And come back soon, will you? E-Ming is always so calm when you are here. I think he misses you terribly when you're gone."
"I will." Xie Lian hurriedly put up his hood to hide how his ears were turning pink. "Also, I still have your coat. I forgot again. I'm so sorry."
"It's fine, it doesn’t fit me very well anyway. You can keep it if you like it."
"No, no, please, two books are the maximum of your generosity that I can accept."
"Okay then," San Lang relented. "If it means you'll come to visit, I'll happily take back the coat. Even though I still think it looks much better on you."
Unfortunately, the hood did not cover Xie Lian's whole face, which was getting redder by the second, so he resorted to another—hopefully convincing—performance of "Oh no, the time!" and left in a hurry.
That evening, to his utter disappointment, Xie Lian was too tired to read after work, but the next morning, after a quick shower and a hasty breakfast, he opened the books to have a closer look. He was stunned to see they both had a personalized dedication added in red ink. The writing was a bit crooked, but readable.
The inscription in the pirate romance was: To Xie Lian, I hope you find a few moments of joy following the escapades of these two scoundrels.
Xie Lian smiled and opened "The Ghost Inside Me" with great curiosity.
He blinked at the words for a whole minute.
To Xie Lian, thank you for shining your light into the darkness.
A warm feeling spread inside him, and following a spontaneous impulse, he held the books close to his chest. Overwhelmed by San Lang's kind words, it took him at least ten more minutes to decide which book to read first, before he settled for "The Storm in My Heart". Somehow, the title felt appropriate.
It was an easy but fun read. He finished the book the next day, but he could not bring himself to text San Lang about it.
It was one thing to be embarrassed about the slight arousal he had felt during the spicy scenes. It was a whole other thing that Wu Ming, the broody pirate captain with the eye patch, had started to take on San Lang's facial features in his mind. The protagonist had been described as exceedingly handsome, so that was probably the reason, but he felt embarrassed about it, nonetheless.
To his relief, San Lang did not mention the books again either.
On his next shift, Xie Lian tried his best not to be distracted, which he managed well enough in the beginning. But after a glimpse at his phone during his break, he found a few encouraging words from San Lang and a picture of E-Ming sticking out the tip of his tongue. Somehow, a cheeky pirate captain also made his way back to the forefront of his mind. Things were probably going to be more difficult for the rest of the evening.
"You’re grinning like a teenager who just saw his crush. Yet again. What the fuck is going on? You’re still texting with that cat guy?" Feng Xin had entered the room behind him.
"What? No—yes, but San Lang is just a friend!"
"Of course." Feng Xin rolled his eyes. Apparently, that was what happened when one spent so much time with Mu Qing.
"So you’ve been seeing him more often?"
"Well, we met in the neighborhood a couple of times, and he gifted me two of his books when I was over at his place yesterday. He even wrote a dedication in them."
When Xie Lian noticed the tip of his ears heat, he decided it was better to shut up. His friends had already gotten the wrong impression before he started blushing!
"Have I shown you this picture of Mingming yet? He slept on the chair the other day, and his paws were hanging down on both sides…" And with that, Feng Xin had to sit through a whole album of cat pictures until their break was over.
Even though Xie Lian would have denied in front of Feng Xin that San Lang had anything to do with it, he was still lost in thought after his break. Ling Wen pulled him aside after another mix-up of orders.
"Xie Lian, we are starting the new candlelight dinner events soon. I need your full attention. We are completely booked for the whole weekend!"
He assured her that he was fine and tried to pull himself together for the rest of the evening. The romantic dinner events would likely come with some generous tips, which would be rather welcome.
The shift seemed to go on forever. The long hours serving big tables and some particularly rude customers left Xie Lian exhausted.
He finished cleaning up and changing his clothes at the same time as Feng Xin. They walked to Feng Xin's car together, unable to break the awkward silence that had settled. Xie Lian felt his heart go heavy as he noticed that he did not know how to talk to his best friend.
"So, you’re… friends? With this cat guy—with ‘San Lang’, now?" Feng Xin asked after they had stopped by the car.
"I enjoy his company, yes. I don't know when you can call someone your friend, to be honest. You know that I haven't made a lot of friends in the past few years."
Xie Lian trailed off. It was an understatement. He had made none. He enjoyed talking to his co-workers at the restaurant, but he had never felt particularly close to any of them. The people at the shelter he tended to avoid, because he was afraid of their questions if they found out how much he knew about animal healthcare. At the training center, he had spent most of his time with Feng Xin and Mu Qing, at least until recently.
"Yeah. If you ever want to talk about something…" Feng Xin shifted his weight and trailed off as well.
"I know. I'm good." Xie Lian hoped it sounded convincing.
"Okay.” Feng Xin paused. “Listen, I wanted to tell you something."
Xie Lian could feel his stomach clench at that introduction. He had a hunch of what was coming next.
"I'll have my last shift in the restaurant next month. You know it was all part of the training that my parents want me to do before I take over. They think I need to get into the business side now."
"Yeah, I figured it was about time. I'm happy you're getting closer to your goal."
"Thanks." Feng Xin stared at his feet. "Look, I know we haven't been around a lot. We could come over for some sparring sessions if you like—"
"It's all good, Feng Xin, I promise," Xie Lian interrupted him. "I knew it was temporary for us to work together when you got me this job. You and Mu Qing are enjoying living together, and things change. I get it. I'm really tired, so I'll head home now. Take care."
Before Feng Xin could respond, Xie Lian turned around and hurried away. He was afraid that, if he stayed one more minute, he would not be able to maintain his facade. He did not want his friends to feel bad for spending time with each other. And he certainly did not want them to spend time with him out of pity. He was already ashamed enough of not being able to build a better life for himself.
The weird feeling this conversation left him with lasted way into the next day, and he was disgruntled at the prospect of having to do household chores on his day off. Especially before he could start to read San Lang's next book. But when he finally sat down, with a cup of tea and "The Ghost Inside Me", he got lost in the story immediately. He read the rest of the day and way too late into the night.
The next few days, he tried to read whenever he had a free minute, entranced by the words and the glimpse that they allowed him into San Lang's mind. It was a sad story, one about trauma and loss, but when Xie Lian finished the book, he was sure there was a glimmer of hope at the end. He felt a strong connection with the narrator, and wondered more than once which aspects of the story might have been inspired by San Lang's life and which parts had risen from the author's imagination alone.
Not having heard from San Lang all day, he took out his phone and realized that he had sent another picture of E-Ming an hour ago.
San Lang 🐈⬛😻: Your “loaf” is “loafing”.
Xie Lian smiled at his phone and the big, black, fluffy cat.
Xie Lian: Perfect loaf 🏆🥇🍞 10/10 😍😍😍
Xie Lian: btw I just finished "The Ghost Inside Me". I loved it so much. ❤️ Thank you for sharing it with me. I'd love to talk to you about it someday.
San Lang's reply came instantly.
San Lang 🐈⬛😻: You're finished already? Wow, thank you, gege. 🥲
San Lang 🐈⬛😻: I’d love to talk about it.
San Lang 🐈⬛😻: Well, normally I don't.
San Lang 🐈⬛😻: But with you, it only feels a tad embarrassing. 😉
Xie Lian: We can drink another bottle of red wine if that helps. 🙂
Why were his fingers so much bolder than him?
San Lang 🐈⬛😻: haha I'd love that
Xie Lia: Me too.
Hello fingers, please stop!
San Lang 🐈⬛😻: Would you also like to talk about the other book? 😏
See fingers?! That's what happens!
After a few minutes, which Xie Lian spent unsuccessfully coming up with a witty reply, San Lang seemed to take pity on him.
San Lang 🐈⬛😻: I was just joking. You don't have to read that book at all if you don't feel like it!
Xie Lian: No, no, I want to!
Xie Lian: In fact…I might have finished it already 🫣
Now it seemed to be San Lang's turn to be stunned, as he did not reply right away, like usual. Xie Lian took the chance to distract him before the conversation could take an even more embarrassing turn.
Xie Lian: San Lang, can I ask you something about your writing?
San Lang 🐈⬛😻: Of course, gege, you can ask me anything.
Xie Lian: Do you use experiences from your own life for your books?
Xie Lian: For example, you mentioned you might want to write another romance novel.
Xie Lian: Would it be based on personal stuff?
What a dumb example. Why was he so bad at texting? Help.
San Lang 🐈⬛😻: Not necessarily.
San Lang 🐈⬛😻: But of course, everything is filtered through my experiences.
San Lang 🐈⬛😻: In that case, the idea was inspired by a very personal feeling, though.
Oh… I'm so happy for you…
Why did that sound so… wrong?
Xie Lian pushed the thought away so as not to keep San Lang waiting.
Xie Lian: I see. That's so interesting.
San Lang 🐈⬛😻: I'll tell you more about it over that bottle of wine, if you like.
Xie Lian: Yes, of course. Great.
Xie Lian: Good night, San Lang. Sleep well.
San Lang typed for some time, but then he only sent a short reply.
San Lang 🐈⬛😻: You too, gege. ✨
Xie Lian tried to fall asleep. This time, it was not noise from upstairs that kept him awake.
Two days later, though, the sounds from upstairs were back, and Xie Lian found himself walking through the neighborhood late at night once more. Pei Ming had brought home another date, and when it had become clear to Xie Lian how his neighbor's evening would progress, he had left in a hurry. If the last few weeks were any indication, he would not be able to avoid all of it, as it was getting too cold to stay outside for long, but some was better than nothing.
He had hoped being outside would also help to calm his mind, but so far, he had not succeeded. The fact that his friends were moving on with their lives had made his own standstill all the more visible. Of course, it was impossible to compare himself to them. He knew that. They had not lost their parents. They had not had their whole life uprooted. And now, the two of them took care of each other, while he was alone. The rational part of his brain knew all that. The lump in his chest did not.
"Gege, is that you?"
A deep voice behind him pulled him out of his dark thoughts. He looked up to see that his feet had carried him right to San Lang's street. Coincidentally, San Lang was standing only a few paces behind him, with E-Ming in his arms, who was now wearing a GPS collar.
"I just went outside to get E-Ming. How are you? Not working tonight?" San Lang greeted him with a bright smile while trying to convince a wiggling E-Ming to stay put (with moderate success).
"San Lang!" Xie Lian's mouth spread into a smile as well. "Hello, Mingming! No, it's my night off. I just needed to get out of the house for a bit. You know, get some fresh air..." He scratched his neck.
"I see.” San Lang looked at him intently. “Would you like to come in for a bit?"
"Oh. I don't know. Would that be okay?" Xie Lian murmured.
"Of course! We'd love to have you! Right, E-Ming?"
E-Ming declared his acknowledgment by trying to get out of San Lang's arms once more, but San Lang somehow managed to hold him tight.
Xie Lian laughed and nodded. "Okay then, I'd be happy to."
They went inside, where San Lang immediately offered him the blanket and the cat-heater, which Xie Lian accepted happily.
"I know we were talking about red wine the other day, but you look like you could use a tea or a hot chocolate instead?"
San Lang laughed as Xie Lian perked up at the words hot chocolate.
"Hot chocolate it is," he chuckled.
A few minutes later, E-Ming was already purring loudly, curled up contentedly on Xie Lian's lap. San Lang came back from the kitchen, handed his guest a steaming mug, and sat down next to them. Xie Lian took a few sips of the sweet, warm liquid and felt the block of ice inside his chest slowly melt away. A deep sigh slipped out of his chest before he could stifle it.
"Is everything okay, gege?" San Lang asked with a soft voice.
"Yeah… No… Well, technically it is, it just doesn’t feel like it, if that makes sense."
"It certainly does. Do you want to talk about it? I’d be happy to listen. But if you want to be distracted, that can also be arranged. Or we can just sit here. Whatever you need." San Lang shot him a warm smile.
"Thank you, San Lang.” Xie Lian swallowed. “I appreciate that. I already feel better being here, to be honest."
He paused, unsure of what to do. He wanted to talk about it so badly. But he was even more scared that San Lang might think he was too much—too sad, too much trouble, too much of a mess—and would not invite him to come over again.
Oh no, he was about to cry, wasn't he? He blinked in a desperate attempt to hold back his tears.
"I'm sorry, San Lang. I hadn't noticed I was feeling so down today."
Well, that was technically not true, but what else could he say? I came in because I was desperate for your company?
"Gege, it's okay. It's okay to be sad. And if I may say so, I'd rather have you be sad here than alone in your apartment." San Lang handed him a tissue.
Xie Lian wiped his eyes and looked at San Lang, urgently searching his friend's face and body language. He seemed to be genuine in his concern. Only his brow was slightly furrowed, but somehow, Xie Lian was sure that it was from worry. Suddenly, he had the strong urge to stretch out his hand and smooth it over gently. He cleared his throat instead.
"Feng Xin, my best friend, won't be working with me much longer," he began to explain. "He originally took the job as a training opportunity that his parents required of him in order to inherit their luxury hotel chain, like, to get some real customer service experience and all that. Now, he’s going to finish his business education, so I won't be seeing much of him in the future. Since he got together with Mu Qing, I haven't spent a lot of time with them. You know, the three of us have been friends since forever, so it's still a bit weird. Since they moved in together and to a different neighborhood, I barely see them. We used to teach some of the self-defense classes together and practiced together a lot, the three of us. And we simply used to hang out all the time."
San Lang looked at him, nodding along and listening intently.
"I… I guess I have been feeling kind of lost, to be honest." Xie Lian patted E-Ming's head. "Maybe that's how you felt, too, little guy?"
E-Ming nuzzled his hand. "Mrrp."
That made Xie Lian smile, and he finally dared to glance at San Lang out of the corner of his eye.
San Lang waited for a moment, as if he wanted to give him space to continue, but when Xie Lian remained silent, he said, "I'm sorry, gege. That sucks. You must feel very lonely."
Xie Lian let out a deep breath. San Lang did not mind, and even understood him. He blinked away the moisture rebuilding in his eyes.
"Yeah. It does. And I hadn't even noticed until… recently," he added in a small voice. "But…" He cleared his throat, noticing the anger building.
And for once, he let it happen.
"You know, how they just go on with their lives? I get it. They deserve it. But I envy it so much."
He did not notice how he stopped petting E-Ming and clenched his fists instead.
"I'm still so sad, even if it's been five years since my parents died and I lost them and I lost my home and almost all of my friends and financial stability and I quit my studies, which sucked! But it's nothing in comparison to what happened to my parents, and I should be happy that I’m still here, that I’m the one alive, but I've just been drifting around, trying to make ends meet, and it still hurts so much."
More tears started to spill from his eyes. Tears that had been stowed far away, in places so deep down that Xie Lian had not known they even existed, right up until now.
"I'm s-sorry, San Lang, I didn’t want to unload on you," he sobbed.
San Lang moved over and put an arm around him. "It's okay. You can cry. I don't mind."
Xie Lian rested his head on San Lang's shoulder and did exactly that. He simply cried. He might not have been able to stop now, anyway. He shed tear after tear, while San Lang held him tight and rubbed gentle circles across his back.
After some time—he had no idea how long—he suddenly felt the heavy weight of E-Ming's paws press into his thighs, then on his chest, and a second later, a tongue rough as sandpaper licked his chin.
"E-Ming!" San Lang tried to push the cat aside, but Xie Lian stopped him, laughing in between his sobs.
"It's okay, San Lang. I think he is right, I cried enough for today."
He sat up a bit awkwardly, highly aware that San Lang's arm was still around him, while E-Ming settled down in his lap once more, convinced by Xie Lian’s gentle hands.
"I'm sorry," Xie Lian murmured.
The anger and sadness had subsided to a dull throb, but a wave of embarrassment threatened to flood him.
"Please, don't apologize, gege. It's okay. I'm your friend. I want to be there for you." San Lang took his arm off and handed him another tissue.
Xie Lian felt sad to lose the soothing touch, but he did not dare comment.
"Gege, I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. It's unfair, and it sucks. You deserve friends who care about you, who want to be there for you," San Lang said.
"Thank you. I… I was afraid I would scare you off," Xie Lian confessed in a low voice.
"Never. I mean it." San Lang grabbed his shoulder gently and looked him right in the eye. "There is nothing you could ever do that would 'scare me off'. I swear. Do you remember the quote right at the end of the book? 'What matters is you, not the state of you.' I would say the same thing."
Xie Lian smiled at him, and San Lang smiled back, brushing a strand of hair from Xie Lian's face. There was a pause as they looked at each other. Xie Lian suddenly thought his heart was beating rather fast, and he felt a pull inside him, like an invisible force that was drawing him to San Lang. He had the indistinct feeling that something was building, that something was about to happen; he just did not know what it was. He felt heat rush to his face and cleared his throat in a desperate attempt to lessen the tension. For a moment, he thought San Lang might have jumped a bit at the noise, but then his host rose in his usual nonchalant manner.
"I'll get you some water."
Xie Lian tried to focus all his attention on the cat in his lap, in order to avoid having to think about the huge pile of jumbled-up feelings inside him. But there was one thing he felt clear as day, and it was relief. The pent-up tension inside him had been washed away by his tears, and with that, a huge weight had been lifted from his chest—at least temporarily. Being able to breathe freely, even if it was just for a moment, was a big deal. Maybe he should cry more often, if he was going to feel so light afterward.
On top of all that, he was brimming with happiness that San Lang still wanted to be his friend.
When San Lang came back with some water and another hot chocolate, may the gods bless him, he was also holding a thick notebook. He eyed Xie Lian closely before he shot him a warm smile.
"If you want a distraction, I could read you something I wrote for my new book".
Xie Lian looked at him in surprise. "Really? Yes, please, I'd love that!"
San Lang’s smile widened at that response. But at the same time, he could not look Xie Lian in the eye. If he had not known better, Xie Lian would almost have guessed that San Lang was feeling shy.
San Lang sat down and began reading in his deep voice. That in itself would have been soothing to Xie Lian, but the text was as well. He noticed it felt somewhat like a continuation of San Lang's last novel, but it started on such a hopeful note that Xie Lian was suddenly feeling light and happy. After a few pages, San Lang closed the book, took a long sip of his wine, and slowly spun the glass in his hands.
"That was so good, San Lang! I love the metaphor of the butterflies; it's so subtle and yet so meaningful. I can't wait to read the rest!" Xie Lian beamed at him.
At that, San Lang finally looked up, and a grin spread on his face.
"I'm glad you like it. It will likely go through a lot of changes, but I wanted to share this with you. Especially now. You know, there are so many things that can give us hope. I recently found that meeting someone special can do that for you. But it can be all kinds of things."
"Yeah, you're right. I will keep my eye out for them," Xie Lian replied with a smile, but his mind was racing in a different direction. Had San Lang met someone? Someone he was interested in? Somehow, the thought felt like a stab to the heart.
They sat for a while in silence, San Lang drinking his wine, Xie Lian petting E-Ming and sipping his hot chocolate.
"You know, before my parents died, I studied veterinary medicine. I was quite advanced already," Xie Lian said almost absentmindedly.
"I see. That seems to fit you very well," San Lang answered.
"Maybe? I don’t know anymore, to be honest. I was sure I would go back to it, but it seems so far away now."
"You still can. It's never too late for things like that. You're still young."
"Hm, I don't feel like it, though." Xie Lian laughed a bit, but San Lang did not chime in.
"Gege," he began gravely. "Just to get this out of the way: I'm not going into detail now, because this conversation is about you, but that does not mean I don't want to tell you. You only need to ask. But you asked me if my books are based on personal experiences, and ‘The Ghost Inside Me' has been, in big parts."
Xie Lian looked at San Lang with big eyes.
"My point is that, when I say that you've been through some heavy stuff, and that you have every right to feel like you do about it, please know that I know what I'm talking about, okay?"
At a loss for words, Xie Lian just nodded.
"Life sucks sometimes, and it's unfair. You are allowed to be angry about it, sad, exhausted. It's okay to feel lonely. It's only human. Everything you're feeling is valid. And there are people who will accept everything about you and all you bring along. Not only accept it, but cherish it, because all of it makes you you, and you are beautiful exactly the way you are. However, that doesn't mean that I don't wholeheartedly wish you hadn't needed to experience all of that."
"But I haven't told you any details..."
"It's not necessary. I can see your pain, and that's all that matters. You can tell me if you want to, anytime. But please, never feel like you owe an explanation to anyone."
"Thank you, San Lang. I don't know what to say. I can't even tell you how much I needed to hear that," Xie Lian sniffed and smiled at San Lang through teary eyes. "I'll think about all of it." He let out a long breath and a shaky laugh. "Oh, Mingming, I got your fur all wet." He fussed about the cat for a little bit, who did not seem to mind being wet, but endured the attention gracefully.
San Lang busied himself with cleaning up the table, and Xie Lian was grateful to be given a bit of space without having to articulate his needs directly.
When San Lang came back to the living room, Xie Lian had calmed down with E-Ming's expert help as an emotional support cat.
"Well, it's getting late, I'll head home. I'm really tired,” Xie Lian said, trying to stifle a yawn. He was hoping very much that his neighbor would have finished his "date" by now.
"I'm sorry, I just came here and cried and—"
"Gege, it's okay. It's all good. I'm so glad you came over. I want to be there for you if you'll have me." San Lang walked over to the sofa and looked down at him with a warm smile and a twinkle in his eyes.
Xie Lian was sure he was blushing at those words, but after the roller-coaster of emotions, he could no longer find it in him to care.
"Thank you, San Lang." He smiled up at his wonderful friend in return.
"Can I walk you home?" San Lang asked.
"Um, sure, if you want to. Just to the playground is fine." Xie Lian was sure he was turning even redder, but he did not relish the thought of having to say goodbye to San Lang in front of his apartment with the sound of Pei Ming's passionate lovemaking in the background.
"Sure." If San Lang thought anything of it, he did not show it.
Xie Lian kissed E-Ming on the head and, with an apologetic smile, relied once again on San Lang to pull the cat off of him.
"He has you thoroughly wrapped around his paws," San Lang muttered, slightly aggrieved. Once again, Xie Lian could only wholeheartedly agree.
They walked in silence through the night, each lost in their thoughts. At the playground, they stopped under the light of the lamppost where Xie Lian had found the flyer of a missing cat.
"Thank you, San Lang. That made my day. My whole week, rather. Thank you for listening and for everything."
Xie Lian was certain he did not manage to convey how grateful he was, but he could not think of better words as he looked into San Lang’s eyes.
"I'm glad I could be there for you. Call me when you need me, or text me. Or just come over. Anytime. I mean it.” San Lang said, emphasizing each word.
Xie Lian swallowed and nodded, his mind going blank at the kind smile on San Lang’s face, and he failed to find words to reply.
“Goodnight, gege."
San Lang looked at him softly, and after a moment of silence, he turned around to walk back.
"San Lang!" Xie Lian called out to his own surprise.
San Lang stopped immediately and turned around to face him.
"Can I… give you a hug?" Xie Lian murmured and looked intently at his feet.
He heard the gravel crunch under San Lang's shoes as the man closed the distance in a few swift strides. When Xie Lian finally raised his head, San Lang was looking at him with a wide smile on his face and a sparkle in his eyes. He tilted his head and only touched Xie Lian's arm lightly as if waiting for confirmation to continue.
Xie Lian put his arms around San Lang's waist gingerly and leaned against his chest. At that, San Lang finally wrapped his arms around Xie Lian.
As Xie Lian breathed in, the cold air mingled with San Lang's scent. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply.
He nuzzled a bit closer, leaning into the warmth and the comfort of the hug. It was hard to describe, but somehow San Lang was at the same time wrapping him up in his arms carefully, like he was the most precious thing in the world, and intensely, like he wanted to envelop him completely to shield him from all harm. Xie Lian's heart was racing, yet he had not felt so safe in forever.
After a few moments, which felt too long for a goodbye hug between two people who had met only a few weeks ago, and which were not enough for what Xie Lian's soul was yearning for, San Lang let go.
"Goodnight, gege."
"Goodnight, San Lang."
This time, San Lang did not move until Xie Lian was almost out of sight.