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Chapter Text

    *Peppa Pig intro plays.*

    Peppa Pig: The Tragedy.

    Peppa and George are playing a game of chutes and ladders in their room. They are having lots of fun climbing up the ladders. 

    "Wow!" exclaims Peppa. She rolls a lucky number and gets to go to the tippy top of the board. George is not very happy about this. He begins to pout as Peppa happily moves her character up the long ladder. Peppa does not understand why George is upset. George is so upset that he grabs Peppa's little character and moves her down a chute. 

    "George! That's not fair!" Peppa grabs the character back and places her at the top of the board. The two of them go back and forth for a while about this.

    Now neither Peppa or George are having fun. Peppa wishes Mummy could come and help, but she is talking to the mailman. Peppa wonders what is taking her so long. George is crying now. Peppa does not want to play anymore. "Mummy!" She calls out, but there is no answer. Peppa feels quite sad that her Mummy isn't around anymore. She will have to talk to George herself.

    "George, stop moving my little character around!"

    All the sudden, George snatches the little character and runs off with her. "George! Stop it!" Peppa whines. Peppa and George run about the room. Peppa is very upset that George has run off with her piece. Suddenly, George finds this a little funny and begins to laugh as Peppa chases him. He giggles and snorts, but Peppa does not find this amusing. "Give me back my piece!" she huffs.

    George giggles as he runs around, having a fun time now.

    BANG!

    The two of them stop immediately. George's face goes as white as a sheet. Loud footsteps climb up the stairs before stopping right before the little piglets' door. 

    It swings open with another bang. 

    Daddy Pig is staring down at the little piglets with an angry look in his eyes. "You..." He growls. 

    "Where is my beer?" 

    In truth, neither Peppa nor George knew where Daddy Pig's beer was. Timidly, they lower their heads. "I..." Peppa begins. "I don't know where your beer is, Daddy --"

    "Shut the FOOK up!" Daddy Pig swipes a few items off a dresser. They crash onto the floor. "And I suppose your whore mother doesn't know where it is either?!" 

    Peppa and George stand still.

    Daddy Pig does not say another word. Instead, he marches toward his and Mummy Pig's bedroom. The door swings open, and the little piglets hear a gasp from both a man and woman. 

    "D-Daddy Pig!" Mummy Pig cries. "I did not realize you would be home so early --" 

    "Shut up! Shut the fook up you fooking SKANK!" 

    Daddy Pig is very upset.

    "I work all fooking day, come back home, and THIS is what I get?! THIS is what I have to see every single fooking night?! I'm fooking TIRED, Rachel! I'm tired of fooking seeing this! And who is this fooking man? Is -- is -- IS THAT THE FOOKIN' MAILMAN?!" 

    The mailman is very flustered as he tries to speak. "I -- er -- I best be on my way --" 

    "GET THE FOOK OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Daddy Pig roars. Mummy Pig begins to cry hysterically. 

    "That isn't gonna work for you again this time, bitch!" Daddy Pig grabs Mummy Pig by her neck and throws her into the wall. The mailman is quite a coward and doesn't help her. Instead, he runs down the stairs (making sure he was dressed) and runs out the door onto the street.

    Meanwhile, Daddy Pig is beating Mummy Pig like a fucking pro wrestler. 

    "GERONIMO!" Daddy Pig screams as he does a full body slam on Mummy Pig's back, breaking several of her vertebrae. 

    Peppa knows she must do something to stop the violence. She must find Daddy Pig's beer. 

    She races down the stairs and stands on a stool to search around the cupboard. There! She finds it! Mummy Pig must have hidden it in a spot Daddy Pig wouldn't think to look. For some reason, alongside the beer was a vial of something called hero-in. This intrigues Peppa, but when she hears another crash upstairs, she does not investigate further and instead runs right back upstairs to give Daddy Pig his beer.

    Peppa walks into the bedroom to see a bloody Mummy Pig and a rageful Daddy Pig with bloodshot eyes. Daddy Pig's attention locks onto his daughter. 

    "What the FOOK do you fookin' want you little brat?!" 

    Peppa whimpers a little, although she is used to Daddy Pig's antics. "I... I found more beer..." She says quietly. 

    "What? Speak up dumb-arse!" 

    "I found you more beer!" Peppa turns her face away and squeezes her eyes shut as she extends her hand out toward Daddy Pig. In her hand is his beer. Daddy Pig instantly calms down and snatches the bottle. He opens the cap off with ease and guzzles it down in five seconds. 

    Daddy Pig might have a drinking problem. 

    While Daddy Pig begins to relax, Mummy Pig sees this as an opportunity to pop a Xanax. 

    "Ahh... much better." The two adults say at the same time. 

    Without another word, Daddy Pig kicks Mummy Pig in the face and hits Peppa Pig on her nose. Then, he trudges out the room and wobbly makes his way down the stairs.

    Peppa hopes he trips and breaks his neck.

Chapter Text

    Daddy Pig is not feeling well.

    He is sitting in his "Crackhead Chair" in the living room with a bottle of vicodin in his hand. Sweat is dripping off his brow as he stares blankly at the floor.

    Daddy Pig's breathing quickens as the images flash through his mind again.

    "SERGEANT!" The voice in his head screams. "HELP ME!"

    "SERGEANT DADDY PIG!!!!!!" Another cries as he is gunned down by bullets.

    In his mind's eye, Daddy Pig sees his fellow soldiers being ripped apart by bullets. Zebras on the other side of the battlefield, wearing helmets and armed with guns, fire relentlessly at Daddy Pig's British Infantry unit. 

    Swig! 

    Daddy Pig immediately guzzles down more vicodin, followed by beer. He remembers their faces. All of their faces. His hand balls into a fist and clenches tightly. His mind races. His heart palpitates harder than when he saw his first hooker. It's getting harder and harder to repress the memories. In his memories, he can see the Zebramacht advancing upon his troops. Screams of the damned and doomed soldiers pound against his little ears. 

    Daddy Pig squeezes his eyes tighter until he sees dots. He can't take it anymore. It's too fookin' much. IT'S TOO FOOKIN' MUCH!

    The patriarchal pig quickly looks for an escape. Should he wank off to his drug dealer again? No... should he beat Mummy Pig again? He was too tired for that. His eyes scan the environment until he finds it. AHA!

    Daddy Pig practically races over to the tourniquet and syringe lying open on the table. He digs around the pantry until he finds his special stash of heroin. Mummy Pig kept trying to steal it, that whore. Shrugging off the thought for now, instant relief comes when Daddy Pig feels the needle plunge into his skin, along with the heroin. He lays down on the couch and closes his eyes, as the horrors finally drift away...

Chapter Text

    It's Tuesday. Only one day after Daddy Pig caught Mummy Pig redhanded.

    Mummy Pig wakes up drunk as a skunk. On her nightstand lays several scattered bottles of Xanax and whiskey. She swiped off all the family photos of Peppa and George to make room for her essentials. With a huff, Mummy Pig rolls over, feeling her heart sink when she sees no oiled up mailman next to her in bed.

    She knows she should be more present for George and Peppa, and in the back of her mind the guilt eats her alive. However, as soon as the Xanax consumes her brain, the only thoughts she has is... "mmmm. Mailman dick." 

    Finally, Mummy Pig gets out of bed and makes a half-arsed attempt to get dressed. In her hungover state, she accidentally puts her skirt on backwards. No worries though. She won't be needing it later. She is about to climb down the stairs when she passes the kid's room. It's quiet.

    Mummy Pig makes a mental note to beat George later, since she hates George the most. For Peppa, the whiny asshole, a few valiums snuck into her food will put the little piglet right to sleep so she doesn't keep annoying everyone. Mummy Pig could use a break.

    Stumbling down the stairs, Mummy Pig's battered and dazed mind wanders aimlessly like it always does. Life... it's so tiring.

    Mummy Pig catches Daddy Pig asleep on the couch again. He's snoring loudly, shaking the whole house. The tourniquet is still tightly cinched around his arm, turning it purple.

    Mummy Pig hopes it falls off.

    She looks down at him with disappointment. He is not the same pig she married all those years ago. Although, to be fair, neither is she for him. They both changed. Every since Daddy Pig came back from World War Z-ebra, he's been angry and violent. He yells and hits Mummy Pig repeatedly. Then he found Albert, his now-beloved drug dealer. Mummy couldn't take the stress any more, so she found Suzy Sheep -- her drug dealer. It all went downhill from there. 

    Still, she can't help but feel disgusted as she looks down at her "husband" as he sprawls himself all over the couch. Mummy Pig quickly makes her way toward the door, but not without grabbing a bag of cocaine first.

    -----------

    It's an unusually sunny day out -- but Mummy Pig isn't in the mood to stroll. She's in the mood to shabang. She sits down at a bench by the park -- also known as "The Meetup Spot". Then, she waits.

    And waits.

    And waits.

    And--

    "Rachel!" 

    Mummy Pig's head perks up (as much as it can in her drug-induced state) as she hears the voice of the mailman, Barnabus Higginsworth. Her heart leaps as she races toward him. Barnabus hugs her tightly and immediately begins to kiss her with her consent.

     "The children are asleep at home," Mummy Pig sighs while shooting a small bag of coke up her nostrils. "So they will not hear you come in." 

    "What about... y'know..." A shadow of nervousness casts upon Barnabus's face. His body tenses ever so slightly.

    Mummy Pig shakes her head reassuringly. "Don't worry, Barney. He's out cold." 

    Barnabus and Mummy Pig smile as they speed-walk back home. As they quietly enter the house and then the bedroom -- ensuring indeed that the kids are fast asleep and Daddy Pig is unconscious -- the pair shoot up some heroin before lovingly doing what you see on the Discovery Channel. 

    Mummy Pig finally has someone to sleep next to again.

Chapter Text

    "Suzy you little fucker! Get down here and get ready for school!" Mummy Sheep screeches from down the hall. Suzy is in the middle of playing with her dolls when she hears this. With a sigh, she stands up, puts on her backpack, and approaches the entryway door, where Mummy Sheep is impatiently waiting with a sour look on her face.

    "Oh, so you CAN hear me," her mummy scolds. "Do you have the goods?" 

    Suzy sighs again and pulls out the metal briefcase she has with her to show Mummy Pig. Inside are 13 kilos of cocaine, 11 vials of morphine and heroin, two grams of fetanyl and four bags of shrooms. "I have it..." Suzy mutters.

    Mummy Sheep smiles with delight -- and a little too widely at that. "Perfect! Those motherfuckers will be pouring out the money and pouring in death for their bodies! Idiots..." 

    Without warning, she grabs Suzy's collar and hoists the little sheep up in the air. "You remember the plan, right?" She asks in a very menacing tone. 

    Suzy tries not to tremble or look afraid -- that just gives her mum more power. "I go to school, then go on into the corner alleyway and wait for the customers to come." 

    Mummy Sheep stares at Suzy for a second, tightening her grip ever so slightly. Suddenly, as if by magic, her expression softens. She lets go immediately, causing Suzy to painfully drop to the floor. "Very good." She coos. 

    Mummy Sheep opens the door and kicks Suzy's back hard. "Don't come back until every single item in there is GONE!" She slams the door, leaving poor Suzy out in the February cold.

   -----------

    "Damn snow..." Suzy grumbles as she lights her fourth cigarette. School has finally ended. Suzy is standing in the alleyway as usual. She has done this business so many times that she memorized the exact route to this exact alleyway. She started learning it ever since she started at the old age of 2 months old. 

    Nothing of note really happened at school. Peppa looked miserable as usual, and whenever Suzy tried to talk to her, Peppa screamed and threw rocks. They used to be such great friends. 

    Suzy lazily stares at the ground as the snow blankets it with a sheet of cocaine white. Her droopy eyes barely blink. She stands so still that a bystander could mistake her for a statue. Thankfully, she is in the part of town where no one thinks twice about a four year old dealing drugs. Rebecca Rabbit recently got arrested for tax evasion, but her years of drug dealing never garnered any attention. 

    Suddenly, a face blocks Suzy's view from the snow. She regains focus and sees her best and most faithful customer. 

    "Hullo Zaza." 

    Tiny little Zaza can barely see over the small counter Suzy set up, but she smiles brightly and waves her hand excitedly. "Hello Suzy!" She chirps. 

    "Wot can I get for you?" Suzy asks dryly.

    "Erm... do ya have any maru...marryhuana for me Uncle?" 

    Without even looking to see, Suzy only blinks and replies, "no." 

    Zaza deflates. "Oh... erm... what about... hare-o-in?" 

    Suzy looks down and hands Zaza a bottle and a syringe. Then, a tourniquet. "That'll be two pounds." 

    Once Zaza pays and leaves with a cheery "bye-bye!", Suzy's next customer approaches. Her worst customer. 

    "Hello Suzy," Mummy Pig burps out, spewing spit everywhere. Suzy heaves a heavy, full-body sigh.

    "Hullo, Mrs. Pig. Wot can I--" 

    "I'd like three bottles of Xanax please."

    What a dumbarse. "Mrs. Pig, I've told you before. We've run out of that and will be restocked next wee--" 

    "Yes, yes, I know but -- well, I'm just feeling a bit stressed and would like some right now." 

    Suzy keeps her composure as best as she can. "Mrs. Pig, I'm afraid that isn't possible. We do not have Xanax in stock currently. Please, try again--"

    "GODDAMMIT, YOU STUPID SHEEP! TELL YOUR FOOKIN' MOTHER THAT I WANT MORE XANNIES! NOW!" Mummy Pig roars.

     Suzy is used to being yelled at, so she doesn't flinch at all. Calmly but more assertively, she repeats what she says. "We. Don't. Have. Xanax." 

    Mummy Pig's eye twitches and the telltale Vein of Anger pops from her temple. She breathes heavily, clearly experiencing some withdrawals. "Fine." She mutters. "I'll get it myself." 

    With that, she leaves.

    Suzy stands there, not at all surprised. She groans and continues on with her work until 3 a.m. in the morning. Finally, with the money she's earned, she makes her way back home.

    Mummy Sheep is thrilled when she sees more money to support her gambling.

Chapter Text

    Ever since Peppa was a wee piglet, her life has been royally fucked up. When she was born, Daddy Pig had just gotten home from the war. The only Daddy Pig she knew was the one who beat everyone. Mummy Pig had just discovered Xanax when Peppa was in the womb, and that hadn't changed ever since.

    All her life, Peppa heard fighting. All her life, Peppa saw drinking and drugs. So many drugs. Heroin syringes were scattered on the coffee table as if they were a normal decorative item. Percocet tablets were placed anywhere that was convenient. Cocaine remnants were littered all over the tables, counters, and floors. Don't even get Peppa started on the bathrooms -- they smelled like skunks had raided them. 

    It was so normal for Peppa to see these things that the first time she went over to Suzy Sheep's house, she asked, "where are your pills?" Little did she know, Mummy and Suzy Sheep, despite managing a drug empire, were actually the most sober animals in the whole fucking neighborhood. Neither used a drug except cigarettes. 

    Peppa grew up with drugs. Laced in her food to make her go to sleep, so that Mummy could "take a break". Planted around the house as if they were normal objects. Smells of marijuana and saline wafted throughout the house. Thank god they lived on a hill. Then no one had to smell it. This was precisely the reason why no one was allowed over at the Pig's house, except for Daddy Pig's drinking friends and Mummy Pig's mailman (and occasionally the milkman too). 

    George grew up the same way Peppa did. Yet he was too young to realize what was going on. He was conceived during the ONE TIME Daddy and Mummy Pig got along. After that, it was total chaos and misery. Daddy Pig had repeatedly launched the family into nearly inescapable debt due to his drug addictions, and Mummy Pig wasn't much help either. Peppa tried her hand at dealing crack cocaine at the age of three to try and make money for her family, but as soon as she saw her teacher come up to buy some, she was out.

    Peppa always felt alone. Her troubling home life ended up ruining her social life too. With no one being allowed over, not even Suzy Sheep, Peppa barely knew how to interact with people. Yes, she used to be good friends with Suzy, but Peppa got angrier and angrier with the world. Her anger spilled out and tormented her friend. 

    She had to take care of George ever since he was born, since neither of her parents were up to the task. Most of the time, they were either absent or drugged out. Peppa helped George out as best as she could, trying to be a good older sister, but his constant tantrums proved Intolerable. Peppa hated both her parents, her father especially, and on her lowest days she even plotted spiking Daddy Pig's beer with fetanyl. Suzy Sheep, however, had too high of a price for the drug -- one that Peppa simply couldn't pay. 

    The little piglet also got into many fights at school, often over otherwise meaningless things. She had become quite the bully, taking after her father, and had gotten suspended numerous times. She never befriended anyone else before or after Suzy, and all the teachers hated her. She had poor grades and even poorer manners.

    Jaded, angry, alone and violent. This was Peppa. This was her reality. 

   -----------

    Daddy Pig is still passed out on the couch. Peppa Pig makes sure he isn't easily stirred. Nope. Dead asleep. But hopefully, if Peppa's plan works, Daddy Pig will just be dead.

    As a soldier in the Royal Marine, of course Daddy Pig had guns. Many, in fact, that were stuffed in the closet of his bedroom. Often, he likes using the birds flying above as target practice, probably envisioning them as Zebramacht soldiers. Perfect, Peppa thought evilly, this is perfect. 

    The only problem was that the gun closet was locked. It had a special key that only Daddy Pig knew where it was. In order to find it, Peppa had to wake Daddy Pig and ask.

     Peppa braces herself, knowing that by waking Daddy Pig up, she would suffer a beating. She inhales sharply and taps Daddy Pig's shoulder. He doesn't move. He is in a drug-induced sleep.

    Peppa knows what to do.

    She hops onto the couch and screams directly into Daddy Pig's ear. "SERGEANT!!!!!!!!!!!"

    Daddy Pig leaps up so high that he nearly touches the ceiling. Who says pigs can't fly? He babbles incoherently trying to understand where the sound came from. When he finds Peppa, his confusion turns into rage.

    He grabs the broomstick. Just as Peppa expected, he whacks her over the head with it repeatedly. "How DARE you wake me up!" 

    "Wait -- ow! -- Daddy!" 

    Daddy Pig pauses briefly to hear what she has to say. 

    Peppa meets her father's red eyes. "Might you want to shoot some birds again? There are a lot out there right now." 

    Daddy Pig looks up at the window as his hands tighten around the broomstick. Peppa hopes he says yes so he can go unlock the gun closet. He grumbles. "Fine." 

    Success! Peppa can hardly believe it. Cautiously, she follows Daddy Pig as he searches for the key. He seems to know where it is. Peppa's hopes rise as he heads toward the kitchen. She watches intently, ready to memorize the exact placement.

    Daddy Pig shuffles around in his front pocket, looking for something. Peppa is confused. Then, her hopes are immediately shattered when she sees what he pulls out. A key.

    But not a key that unlocks the gun closet. A key that unlocks the cabinet that holds the gun closet key. Additionally, the cabinet was very high up there. Peppa watches with sorrow as Daddy Pig unlocks the cabinet and pulls out the gun key. As he turns around, Peppa hides behind the couch so he doesn't catch her peeking. He grunts and begins to shuffle upstairs.

   -----------

BANG!

    Daddy Pig is on his bird killing rampage as usual while Peppa sits in her room. George is playing with some toy trucks. Out of everyone in the family, he is the most normal. Yet he listens to Peppa, even when she tells him to clean up his toys. Peppa realized he could be a good tool to use.

    As Peppa watches George play, a thought pops in her head. Sure, she alone could not reach the gun key cabinet, and she alone could not sneak the other key out of Daddy Pig's pocket, but... perhaps... with an accomplice...

    She glances at George's face. Her eyes flash. He listens to Peppa. He is a great tool to use.

    Peppa has a plan. 

    She's made up her mind after years of plotting.

    She is going to kill Daddy Pig, no matter what it takes.

Chapter Text

    "Wow! That was -- you were --" 

    Pookie the Milkman breathes heavily on the bed as Mummy Pig gets dressed. "I -- thank ya. That was a much needed break." 

    Mummy Pig rolls her eyes. The milkman was not as handsome as Barnabus the Mailman, but Barney wasn't in town at the moment, so Pookie would suffice. "Yeah, yeah, now get out of my house." 

    Pookie blinks, a little caught off guard by the rudeness. He sits up. "Oh. Was that... not up to your standards?" He feels a little hurt. "I -- I know I'll never be up to Barnabus' level or Randy's level or Fred's level or Philip's level or Janice's level or Kevin's level, but I do try." 

    "Just get out." Mummy Pig replies coldly, not meeting Pookie's eyes. Pookie pauses for a moment before rolling out of bed and quietly putting on his clothes. 

    "Be silent when you leave." Mummy Pig reminds him.

    Pookie sighs. "Yeah, yeah, I know..." 

    He pops a Suzy Sheep Shroom™ and leaves Mummy Pig alone to her thoughts. 

    Mummy Pig twitches. Her heart races again. She grabs the nightstand to steady herself. She had searched high and low the night before, but no Xanax could be found. She used the very last of them. See, she wasn't completely being rude to Pookie because she hated him. Most of it came from the fact that since Tuesday, she had been experiencing withdrawals. They made her agitated, nauseous, dizzy, queasy, the works. She even had to pause wrestle time last night with Pookie to throw up a few times in the toilet.

    That damned Suzy Sheep. How dare she withhold what she knows is the most important thing in the world to Mummy Pig! Even worse, Mummy Sheep. That frog-faced bitch has every single person in town hooked, yet didn't think to have extra stock of everything? What a dumb-arse! A fucking no good dumb-arse with a disgraceful brat as a daughter. 

    Mummy Pig feels her pulse race as she gets angrier. No one ever suspects that despite her sweet public exterior, Mummy pig can be just as hot-headed as her husband. She needs to throw something. She needs to break something. Immediately. Mummy Pig huffs and pants out of pure rage now as she sees red. She grabs the first thing she sees -- a portrait of Peppa as a baby -- and chucks it at the wall. Then, she screams.

    "WHERE ARE MY FUCKING XANNIES, MS. SHEEP? WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY????!!!!!!" 

    She roars and breaks things around the house. A plate, a two cups, a chair, one of George's playpens, and finally, all the windows in the house. Mummy Pig stops for a minute to catch her breath. Yet that only serves for her emotions to overwhelm her. Instantly, she crashes to the floor again and begins to scream. She kicks and wails like a toddler having a tantrum. She screams so ferociously that she rips a vocal chord. She tenses up so harshly that she fractures a collarbone. Her face is so red that all the tomatoes in the world pale in comparison. 

    "MY XANNIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY XANNIES!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mummy Pig screams this over and over again, clawing at her face.

    Then she realizes what has happened to her. She's finally snapped. The last thread of pigmanity in her has been crushed. 

    Peppa and George hear the tantrum, of course, but they do not leave the room. Peppa is too busy conceiving a plan with George. She has her favorite collection of makeshift weapons near her. They are the backup weapons.

    Meanwhile, Daddy Pig is awoken by Mummy Pig's screams. He hates being woken up. The bumbling pig swings the front door open (he was sleeping in the driveway with a bottle of pills) and roars loudly. "WHAT THE FOOK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!" 

    He grabs Mummy Pig's neck and throws her across the dining room table. She slams into the wall with a thud. Yet she continues to wail and scream about her Xanax. She loved those little fuckers more than her own family. 

    Daddy Pig covers his ears and squeezes his eyes shut. "Goddammit you pig! Shut the fook up! Shut the fook up NOW!" 

    Mummy Pig curls into a trembling ball. Daddy Pig storms off into a secluded and unseen area in the backyard to lay in the mud puddle and wank off to his drug dealer.  

    After 15 minutes laying in that position, Mummy Pig shoots up to her feet and stumbles over to the door. A newfound sense of urgency has invaded her entire being. She opens the door, not even caring to close it, climbs into the car and turns on the ignition. Her eyes are bloodshot and she is sweating profusely. She is gripping the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles are white as a sheet. 

    Mummy Pig drives 20 over the speed limit down the long hill into town. She speeds ahead to the spot she wants to go to. After what seems like hours, (only minutes had passed) Mummy Pig finds Mummy Sheep's shambled house in the distance. 

    "There you are you little fuckers..." She grins menacingly. Her eyes are so fixated on the house ahead that she doesn't notice the tree she is careening toward. 

    SMASH!

    The front of the family car is instantly crushed to bits when Mummy's dumb-arse crashes into the tree. Smoke rises from the hood as Mummy exits and walks away. She sits by a lamppost and watches the house where Mummy and Suzy Sheep live. She sits. And she waits.

    For the right moment.

Chapter Text

    "Oh, for fuck's sake, MOVE!" Mummy Sheep shoves Suzy out onto the porch as she locks the front door behind her. Suzy is going with Mummy Sheep to their secret weed farm. Suzy is not excited for the drive, knowing that Mummy Sheep will beat her the entire way. The two of them start to make their way to the busted up Volkswagen Beetle parked in the middle of the road.

    Unbeknownst to them, Mummy Pig is staring at Mummy Sheep through the scope of her sniper rifle. "There you are..." she quietly breathes with her hoof on the trigger. She had stolen the rifle from Daddy Pig's arsenal.

    "Get in!" Mummy Sheep is heard faintly from the distance. She grabs Suzy Sheep by the back of her neck and throws her into the front seat. Then, she makes her way around to the driver's door. Mummy Pig holds her breath as Mummy Sheep walks up to the door and opens it. Mummy Pig gently squeezes the trigger.

    "Suzy, you little brat," Mummy Sheep chides. "Where the fuck are my ke--"

    BANG!

    Mummy Sheep is fucking shot right in the head. Her body jerks before immediately crumpling to the ground with blood splattered everywhere. The shot echoes. Luckily, Suzy does not see this as her head is turned toward the window. However, she hears the horrible crack of the gun and catches her mother falling to the ground.

    "HOLY FUCKING SHIT -- " Suzy opens the car door and barrel rolls out of the vehicle. She somersaults up the porch stairs and cartwheels into the door. "FUCK!" She tries to reach the door handle but is too short. Suzy begins to jump up and down with her arm outstretched above her head. "Fuck fuck fu--"

    Cla-clik.

    Suzy freezes. Her face goes even whiter than it already is. Mummy Pig is behind her, isn't she? 

    "Hullo, Suzy."

    Timidly, Suzy turns around and sees a murderous Mummy Pig towering over her. Her eyes are bloodshot as she looks down with rage. "Where are my Xannies?" 

    Suzy's eyes widen. "Uh -- uh --"

    Without warning, Mummy Pig shoves Suzy aside and kicks down the door with the butt of her rifle. She storms around the house and searches for the tablets with a wild look in her eyes. She turns everything upside down. Tables, chairs, the bed, the stove. She finds a boiling pot cooking crystal meth and immediately consumes all of it. Suzy has already ran away, but Mummy Pig does not care. She just wants her Xanax. After 20 minutes of searching, Mummy Pig finds a hidden door in the wall of the study. She fires at the padlock and ferociously breaks the door down. Mummy Pig finds a room full of cocaine and heroin, with briefcases stacking up nearly to the ceiling. There are cabinets that line the wall. Using the ladder nearby, Mummy Pig climbs up and scours all the cabinets. They are full of bottles of pills, but no Xanax. Her hope drains more with every cabinet she opens.

    Finally, Mummy Pig comes to the very last cabinet. With a deep breath, she rips the door off its hinges. And there it is. Sitting in the very center looking like an addict's Statue of David, the full bottle of Xanax awaits Mummy Pig's stomach. With a gleeful cackle, Mummy Pig grabs the bottle and ingests the entire thing. Peace! Peace at last!

    Mummy Pig is halfway out the room when the Xannies hit. Drugged, she stumbles out onto the front porch, feeling like Julie Andrews on The Sound of Music hill. She's ready to sit down and relax as the evening sun sets.

    "PEPPATOWN PD, STAND DOWN NOW!" 

    Police cars swarm Mummy Pig as hundreds of officers jump out, M16s pointed at her. The Royal Marines crash through the house behind her and spray acid in her eyes. 

    "AHHHH! FOOK! OW!" Mummy runs off, diving into some bushes. She has a glock in her pocket and pulls it out. Feeling a surge of drugged up adrenaline, Mummy Pig releases a battlecry and stands up. "KISS MY ARSE, MOTHERFOOKERS!!!" She starts blasting away, killing every single --

    Mummy Pig barely gets one shot out before dozens of bullets penetrate her entire body. Then, a fucking airstrike issued by the United Nations lands on her. The only thing that remained of Mummy Pig was the evidence of her actions, with Mummy Sheep laying in a bloody heap on the pavement.

    The Weed Street Massacre didn't shock anyone in Peppatown. Everyone knew Mummy Pig was mental.

    Barnabus the Mailman arrived at the crime scene and could only stare blankly at the giant crater where Mummy Pig once stood. He cried at the tragedy -- the lover, who became the love of his life, is now dead. He was never the same.

    ...Meanwhile, Peppa and Daddy Pig didn't give one shit. Mummy Pig was annoying and crazy as hell. Besides, Peppa had other plans instead of mourning.