Chapter Text
I am a joke, a lonely stupid worthless joke.
I was 13 when my older brother Ryan left the house forever. It felt like a betrayal, like the hero leaving his loyal sidekick to die in a superhero movie. The house began to somewhat rot after that more so than it already was. We ate on dirty paper plates, more empty beer cans on the floor. At least Ryan taught me how to cook better for my younger brothers, how to cry silently so dad wouldn’t beat you with the belt, but I was always failing math so it didn’t really work.
Lucas was 7 still wearing diapers, Ryan taught me how to change them when Wright was born. The best parts of those years was when mom and dad would leave us at Nonna’s house. I always prayed that they’d never return to pick us up. She made us pasta every night when we were there. I would always do the dishes and she would always say, “Good boy Ripley.” I would watch her cook too.
Nonna died shortly after Ryan left, everything in my life then became even more intense. I thought I deserved it. Maybe because I was so mean and selfish, maybe because I was just pathetic. Maybe I just shouldn’t care anymore. Maybe I was just weak.
I was so angry at everyone around me. I felt like everyone I once truly cared for left me. I entered Total Drama when I was freshly 16, I acted like I didn’t care for what others thought, when deep down I did I always did. I remember crying at night, the bed was more comfortable than back home. The tears that left my eyes though were more bittersweet than fully sad I realized.
“I’m sorry,” I breathed. “I’m sorry for being such a jerk last season. I was never good at apologies, I wasn’t good at anything.”
It was the night after the filming of one of the episodes, the episode when Axel kissed me.
“It’s okay,” she replied. “I’m sorry for kicking your face.”
“Heh, yea,” I chuckled in remembrance of that moment.
The silence between their sentences was awkward but comforting. The moon was full that night, I imagined lines connecting each star in the sky. The stars reminded me of my brother, how he had this sparkle in his eye, a star that never ever left.
“Are you good..?” Axel spoke again, staring intensely as she always did, but this time to inspect something on my face. Somehow through the darkness of the night she saw the tears on my face. I felt them now too, rushing out of my eyes. Embarrassed, I quickly wiped the tears off my cheeks.
“Uh yea.” I simply said.
Followed by more silence, that was until every nook and cranny of my life began to spill out of my mouth.
How I felt deep down, how neglectful my parents were, how Ryan left me and my brothers. She sat there and listened to every word I said, occasionally stroking my hair. She was there for me when I cried like a baby.
It felt nice to not have to pretend in front of someone, to have someone to confide in again. I knew that Ryan wanted to leave but it wasn’t because of me and my brothers, and through the sadness I realized that Ryan leaving means that one day me and my brothers will escape the pain as well.
In that moment with Axel, just the two of us, it made me feel like I escaped.
Until the night Axel was eliminated.
“…see you around..maybe.” Axel uttered under her breath as the drone latched on to her.
Wait, What.
No.
“Maybe, what do you mean maybe!?!” I spat, the air in my lungs now escaped.
“No!” I grabbed, making the load of weight the drone was carrying too much, causing us to sink into the lake beneath us.
Though I couldn’t reach the surface, though I could swim to breathe again, my body stayed limp and lifeless.
I am a joke, a lonely stupid worthless joke.