Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

        6 months. 6 months since The Battle of Evensong, 6 months since the end of the war. 6 months of peace.

        So much had happened that first month, new Starsight leaders, new allies, new found freedom that no one really knew what to do with.

        Flowers who grew from concrete, flowers that had survived storms, floods, droughts, and stayed upright even when others had fallen. Now flowers that have been abruptly moved to soft soil with sun and light rain.

        The healing and rebuilding of a government can be so difficult that sometimes you forget your own healing. But, eventually, it happened.

        People got better, pilots started having more fun with flying again now that the missions weren’t all that dangerous. Everyone started truly feeling happy again, scud, Jorgen had too. It took longer with him, yes, but it happened.

        It might sound shocking to the ones who read my story, but I got better too. Yes, Commodore Spensa Nightshade actually getting better with her mental health, who would’ve thought.

        Well, shit, I may have been a spy somewhere across the galaxy with no training but I can’t lie like this. Everyone thinks I’m better and I would like to keep it that way. Nothing feels worse than the guilt of seeing your friends being guilty for not noticing.

        The nightmares, the breakdowns, the stress fevers, the poisoned thoughts, the horizontal cuts on my hips… the letters . All of that tucked away into the darkness that no one can know I still constantly live in.

        6 months and I still wasn’t any better. What kind of fucked up person am I? To lie and convince my friends, my mother, my boyfriend, everyone that I’m okay.

        I learned to do makeup to cover up the dark circles under my eyes. I pray that Jorgen will never find the scars of cowardice that layer my hips from never being able to go all the way. Fake happiness has been easier and more difficult to keep up.

        Because every time start to feel happy, I’m just waiting for the moment where it all goes to shit. The moment I remember that I’m one singular soul that the universe couldn’t give less of a fuck about.

        I had survived long enough to defeat the Superiority, what was left for me now? Fake smiles and happiness? Chronic nightmares and anxiety?

        I couldn’t do this, not anymore. The only reason I’ve never done anything sooner was because I was scared of being a coward. Isn’t that not what I’ve spent most of my life trying to prove otherwise?

        That’s why I pushed my friends away before I was kidnapped, so hopefully my death would hurt less. Now, I just didn’t care. I’ll spend time with them, I’ll be happy knowing it’ll be over soon.

        I had proven myself, what was left for me but the darkness that clouds my vision and the venom of false tranquility?

        Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

        But am I really willing to leave the ones I care about? Scud I fucking hate myself—

        “Spensa!” A voice pulled me out of the maze I was running through in my head and a dark hand snapped its finger in front of my face.

        “Sorry, Jorgen.” I chuckled, looking up at the tall figure standing next to me. “I just got kind of lost in the thought of different ways to kill my enemies.” I smiled sweetly, which seems to scare some people after I say things like that.

        And apparently I am my own enemy. Jorgen smiled back, looking at me with warm brown eyes that shimmered like gold under the chandeliers.

        “I can tell.” He replied, voice soft and full of amusement but still audible over the noise of the venue. “And I can tell that you are bored out of your mind.”

        “No, really?” I joked, raising an eyebrow.

        He wrapped his left arm around my shoulders and pulled me to his side. “Try not to worry,” He sighed. “These things will only get further and further apart as the war because more of a distant memory.”

        Distant memory, that’s funny. I’m still in it. Even after all this time.

        It was the 6 month anniversary of the end of the war and many different species with political importance filled the fancy and shiny banquet hall in the lower caverns. It also had annoyingly slippery floors, or maybe I’m still just not used to wearing heels.

        Stars, how I wish one of the unnecessarily expensive clear crystal chandeliers would fall on top of me. What a happy accident that would be. But, I could easily hyperjump out from under it and ever since being merged with Chet, I have his echo location cytonic power thing.

        Oh, and I don’t want to traumatize Jorgen by watching his girlfriend get brutally crushed by a falling weapon masked as something elegant.

        Even though me and Chet were no longer merged, I still felt the delver essence inside me. I can hyperjump things without touching them, I swear I can see things disappearing and reappearing when I have a panic attack.

        And my eyes. I can make eyes glow like the delvers and let out this eldritch horror screech. I use it to scare Nedd mostly, but I feel less human each time.

        “—not the mention the struggle between both parties.” Wait, what? “But it was completely worth it. I mean look at this place!” Jorgen had us arms stretched out in front of him, a wide smile on his face.

        “Have you been talking about the history of this building the entire time I zoned out again?” I laughed.

        Jorgen paused, his arms still in the air from excitement. “What? Were you too focused on my amazing outfit?” He smirked, leaning against the wall.

        I blushed, eyes darting to the side. No, that wasn’t what I was focused on but his crisp white suit with golden accents contrasted with his skin in such a way that he did look stunning. Not like he ever didn’t look handsome, but oh well.

        That and I also wanted to drag him away to a closet in a secluded hall. So I decided to play into it.

        “I mean maybe,” I flirted back. “But I’m not the one who struggled to open the car door three times when he saw me in this.” Scud, I loved making him blush.

        I was wearing a dark purple dress with swirl detailing on the corset that FM had gotten me. It was ankle length and had bell sleeves that admittedly looked amazing but were incredibly frustrating at times. It was also very constricting.

        But like I said, I loved making Jorgen blush, so it was worth it.

        “But seriously Jorgen, stop trying to deny it. You are a nerd.” He mocked offense but I could see a smile peaking through on his face.

        I can’t believe I’m leaving this man, this life I could have with him. But I needed to accept that I had wasted all my energy on trying to prove that I was something other than the cowards daughter. Now I believe that there is no amount of support that can bring that back.

        After a moment of silence between us, Jorgen spoke up.

        “Listen,” He started, place his hand on my shoulder so I’d face him. “I know this is important but you don’t seem into this, you aren’t even attempting to fake it.”

        The room seemed to dim and tunnel until all my focus was on him.

        “I’m willing to escape and spend the rest of the night in quiet.”

        “…are you sure?” I hesitated.

        “I don’t think I would’ve said it if I didn’t mean it.” Concern filled his eyes and he tried to look for something deeper. Another thing about being less human, I could show my surface emotions through cytonics and make it seem like my true thoughts.

        “Yeah, let’s go,” I said dramatically. “I’m done with these lower cavern fancies for tonight!” Jorgen chuckled threaded his fingers through mine and we snuck out of the building and back towards Alta.

        We ended up running into Skyward flight on the way back to our quarters. They noticed we had left and decided to leave too; bored of all the civilized conversation and protocol. Nedd and Arturo joked about how dare we leave them and after more gossip between us about different drama with political leaders; we eventually all went our separate ways.

        We changed into our pajamas and the rest of the night was peaceful, enjoyable. A great way to spend your last. I waited till Jorgen was surely asleep and I hyperjumped to my room, leaving Doomslug and my wristband to communicate with    M-bot in Jorgen’s room.

        I’m sorry.

~~~

        I chased a bottle of pain meds and a bottle of vodka I stole from the lounge. I kept my switch blade near me but if I was gonna go down on my own terms, I was sure as hell gonna have fun with it.

        Unlike what many think, these things don’t tend to end with a breakdown. All breakdowns had been used up in the weeks,  no, the months before hand. The last day is usually more peaceful, because you know it will be over.

        I had always been alone, and then I learned not to be. But things don’t just disappear, they don’t just turn off like a light switch. Healing is a bunch of hills, and sometimes, those hills go so far down that the top seems impossible to reach. Even those lights trying to guide you back up feel like a mirage, and you’re all out of resources.

        This world is built on survival, suffering, hatred, and pure luck. And that the true happiness one finds can only last for a singular moment, before it is ripped away for the universe’s own greed and satisfaction.

        I love my friends, my family, Jorgen. I may not have told him that yet but I wrote it down in his letter. I hope they all understand that heroes are temporary, but the people who followed them along the way are here to tell their story.

        I’m laying on the cold ground of my room next to my bed. The space only being lit by my bedside lamp. Maybe I just needed another hug, another phrase of reassurance, but I’ll get that from my father and Gran-gran. Right?

        I was falling down from my high and starting to feel sick. I knew that if I got up, I would vomit and all this work would be for nothing. Not to mention, I hate throwing up, the only way I’ve ever dealt with it was because my mother would be there.

        I felt awful leaving my mother. She had already lost so much. But she was learning to live without war, I was still caged by it.

        Part of me wanted to cry, I felt like I was back in that cell they kept me in. Away from everyone I’ve ever known, lost in my head and just begging death to finally be able to reach me.

        The other part of me was euphoric. Sure, I was feeling guilty now, but you couldn’t feel guilt while being wrapped in the darkness of death’s cloak.

        I thought back to what Cobb had told me when I asked if anything was fair.

        ‘Death is. He treats us all the same.’

        Expect me, apparently. Scud, I was feeling really sick now. The world seemed to spin even though I hadn’t moved a muscle and my head felt like it was being crushed.

        Would dying as a sacrifice to save my people be a cooler death. Yes, of course it would be. But did I care anymore. No.

        I was looking up at those lights atop that hill as I laid in the ditch. They seemed to get brighter even though I was sinking into the ground.

        I closed my eyes and let out a breath, not a shaky, ugly or uncontrolled breath. But like I was breathing for the first time, even if it was the last.

        Everyone had been moved to that soft soil with sun and light rain. But heroes don’t get to live in the world they helped build. And for the first time ever; I was okay with that.

Chapter Text

|    O f f i c i a l   D D F   T i m e   L o g s

|    A l t a  ,  D e t r i t u s

|    N o v e m b e r   8 t h

|    0 0 0 0

Begin time log.

|    0 1 4 0

Estimated time Spensa left Jorgens room.

|    0 3 5 7

Estimated time Spensa went unconscious.

|    0 4 0 0

Jorgen wakes up to use the restroom only to find that Spensa wasn’t next to him. And she wasn’t in restroom, or the main living area of Jorgen’s quarters. And that he couldn’t feel her cytonically.

|    0 4 0 5

Jorgen rushed to her room and when she didn’t answer, he used his emergency key.

|     0 4 0 6

Jorgen find Spensa in her room next to her bed. She is lying on the floor, unresponsive.

|     0 4 0 7

Jorgen grabs Spensa’s radio and gets in contact with the hospital wing. His hands are shaking, he’s on the verge of tears, and is barely able to breathe. But the nurses understand.

|    0 4 0 9

Nurses arrive to Spensa’s room, bursting in and getting her on a stretcher while checking her vitals.

|    0 4 1 3

Spensa arrives at the infirmary and is immediately given a room. Jorgen doesn’t do anything official. Instead, messages everyone who needs to know and he just stands there, unsure of what to do and praying this is all a nightmare.

|    0 4 1 4

A message is sent out to Cobb, Skyward Flight, FM, Rodge, Marlowe, Ironsides, Chet, M-bot, and Hesho.

|    0 4 1 7

FM, Cobb, Ironsides, Hesho, and M-bot arrive at the hospital and wait with Jorgen.

|    0 4 2 0

Spensa is stabilized but remains unconscious. Jorgen is still in the waiting room. Arturo and Kimmalyn arrive at the hospital wing.

|    0 4 2 2

The rest of Skyward flight including Rodge and Chet arrive at the hospital wing.

|    0 4 3 6

Counselors Theo and Crystal are given permission to search Spensa’s room for a cause. But everyone already knows what happened, they just refuse to believe it.

|    0 4 4 1

Marlowe arrives at the hospital wing. Spensa is still unconscious.

|    0 4 4 9   -   0 5 2 1

Counselors Theo and Crystal interview everyone individually.

Time logs of each interview were not recorded.

|    0 5 5 6

Counselors Theo and Crystal pull the group into a meeting room and sit them down, preparing to break the news everyone wished wasn’t true.

|     0 6 2 9

After Theo and Crystal explained what was found in Spensa’s system—and how the interviews and what was found in her room only led to this—the meeting room was silent. Not out of shock; but out of guilt, realization, sadness. How could they have not noticed?

|    0 6 4 5

Everyone in the room was quiet. The silence was deafening

|  0 7 0 3

The room was silent at Theo and Crystal passed out the letters Spensa wrote that were found in her bedside table. Theo and Crystal told them that they didn’t need to read them now or at all. Ironsides wasn’t given a letter.

|   0 7 0 5

Cobb and Marlowe tucked their’s away for later and left, needing a distracting so they left to start their day. Ironsides left too, knowing Jorgen would never be to write this report. The rest of them just held their letters like Spensa’s soul would leave this universe if they didn’t.

|    0 7 0 7

Theo and Crystal left, giving them space as they went to talk with nurses.

|    0 7 0 8   -   0 7 2 0

The rest of Skyward flight opened and read their letters, hands shaking and nerves running wild. Still, no one dared to speak.

Time logs of each letter opening were not recorded.

|    0 7 1 7

Crystal left her desk to check on Skyward.

|    0 7 2 0

Crystal opened the meeting room doors to find Skyward all in different states.

Arturo was pacing.

Alanik, Corbin, and Trey were sitting in stunned silence.

Kimmalyn was crying on the floor.

Nedd and Sadie were quietly talking, almost sounded like they were trying to connect everything.

Chet leaned against the wall in deep thought, Hesho and M-bot hovering on either side.

FM and Rodge were huddled together, FM was crying, Rodge was trying to keep it together for her.

Jorgen was mostly separated from the group, sitting on floor and resting against the wall. He had his knees to his chest, the letter, clutched in his right hand. And his left hand, covering his mouth as he silently sobbed.

No one saw Marlowe or Cobbs reactions.

|    0 7 4 8

Skyward was given the day off recollect, but still not allowed in Spensa’s hospital room.

|    0 9 5 9

Crystal and Theo left to talk to Spensa after hearing that she woke up.

|    1 0 3 6

Crystal and Theo left after talking with Spensa. Stated by chapter 12, A Pilots Privacy, section 3.4 : Mental Health; the information from this discussion is confidential and will not be put on logs.

|    1 1 2 5

Spensa is given a notice to be sent on a 60 day leave. If things are not yet improving, another 30 days will be added.

|    1 1 4 8

Marlowe arrives at Alta to pick up Spensa. Spensa chooses not to notify Skyward that she is leaving. Stated by chapter 12, A Pilots Privacy, section 3.4 : Mental Health; her statement is confidential and will not be put on logs.

|    1 3 0 2

After packing up, Spensa leaves Alta with her mother and Doomslug(Taynix) leaving her communication devices at Alta except for her wrist band to contact M-Bot.

|    1 6 1 4

A message is sent from Jorgen asking if Spensa is awake. He, and the rest of Skyward flight, is informed she already left and chose not to notify them.

|    2 3 5 9

End time log.

|    R e c o r d e d   B y   D D F   

     C o u n s e l o r  :  C r y s t a l   M a s o n