Chapter Text
„Who?“
„Oh, he's an old friend“, Natasha told you as you walked down the street with her an Pepper, „More like an old colleague.“
„Right. Wait, I thought no one knew where he was?“, you asked them.
„Yes, for a while. But another friend picked him up and took him in. You know Thor?“
„You mean the god? The one that fought with you against his own brother?“, you raised your eyebrows at them.
„Exactly. So, turns out they're back to being buddies again, they got Bruce back to earth and then decided to stay for a while. Tony invited them for his new-years party.“
„And that's why I need a dress.“, you completed the thought process.
„Well, yes and no. I think having a few dresses is always good, you never know what you might need it for. And to think you didn't even have one, ugh“, Pepper shook her head at the thought of your fairly empty wardrobe.
„Okay, I get it. It's not that I don't want to wear them at all, but I literally didn't have a single situation in the last few years where I would've needed one.“
„Now you do.“, Natasha nodded as she cut you off to enter one of the stores, „Trust me, I don't like this either, but I can't let you come to that party with jeans and a t-shirt.“
„I coul've worn a dress shirt to my jeans“, you mumbled as you followed her, but you didn't mind them helping.
You had been to a few shops already, but none of them were close to formal or pricey enough for Pepper.
She wanted you to get the full experience, when you visited the Stark-Tower. And with all the guests coming, it might be the better choice to fit in, then rely on the few clothes you had.
„This is the one, I can feel it“, she said as she walked through the aisles.
„You said that about the last three as well“, Natasha mumbled as she looked at some of the more classic variants of a cocktail dresses.
You were so lost in these stores, the only dress you ever had to pick out so carefully was for your junior-high prom. And that was a lot easier than this.
„I'll look over there“, you said and motioned towards another corner, „You can pick something if you think it fits me, I'll just try it all on.“
Easier to let them decide. If you had to choose by yourself, it would end in a disaster, you were not fit for shopping at all.
After a while of looking through the store, both of them took you to the dressing room.
There were a lot of black and red dresses, not really your colors. But you would just choose whatever fit you best and didn't look too horrendeous.
„No...“, Pepper said watching you turn around for them, „this just isn't working. Why do none of these work?“
„Maybe I'm just too ugly for fancy dresses“, you shrugged your shoulders.
They looked at you in shock.
„Y/N, do you ever think before you speak?“, Natasha said and held back a laugh.
„Sometimes“
„You have a great figure, that is not the problem. Your hair is also fine, your shoulders are good, maybe you have to try on some shoes with them.“, Pepper mused as she inspected you.
„Or I need a diffirent color“
They both hummed, thinking about it.
„Sure, something brighter maybe. And you got all these cute fluttery shirts, maybe that's more your thing“
„Most definetely“, you snickered, before going back into the store.
Of course, black was the easiest variant to find, they had a much bigger selection for those.
Finding something that was softer and lighter was so hard you nearly gave up. But at some point Natasha waved you over.
„Look, this one!“, she said holding up a short dress with the tiniest shoulder straps you had ever seen.
„That will never secure all of this“, you motioned towards your chest.
„Oh, please.“, she scoffed as she handed it to you, „Just try it on before you judge.“
You did. And you judged.
„This is so...“
„Pretty“, said Natasha.
„Cute“,Pepper added.
„Revealing“, you stated turning away from the mirror towards them, pointing your fingers at your sides, were the fabric reached just enough around you to cover your chest. The whole back was open, except for a few straps that were running crosswise like a corset. But it was not enough, especially the length.
„It is a bit short, yes. But the fabric looks really nice, and the color suits you.“
At least Pepper had something positive to say for once.
„You should take it.“, Natasha said as well.
„Are you serious?“, you gaped at them.
„It's perfect, honestly. It has it all, its nice and flowy and has a little bow in the back where you tie the strings and a low neckline, very flattering and a good spot for a necklace.“
„I don't have any“, you said, making them stare in silence.
„Didn't you go shopping together?“, Natasha asked Pepper.
„We did, but I didn't know she had literally nothing in her closet, okay?“
„I am still here“
„Just take it, we can buy another one of the black cocktail dresses if you don't feel comfortable, but this is absolutely you, Natasha is right“, Pepper nodded to herself as she turned you back around by the shoulders, „Let's also get some shoes, while were already here“
„I'll take this“, you held up a dark red velvet dress.
„That is just as short“, Natasha pointed out, raising an eyebrow at you.
„Yes, but it has sleeves, and my tits won't fall out if I turn around too fast“, you smiled at them, before going back inside the booth to get into your own clothes. You heard Pepper clear her throat before she mumbled something about looking for shoes.
„Hurry up, we'll wait at the cashier.“
Honestly, it wasn't as bad. The dress was exactly what you would wear, but not in public. Not with so many people that could look at you...at your legs, specifically.
Especially if Bucky would also come, which was the case. He was part of the team, and they were all invited. Did you really want him to see you in such a dress?
Well.
Actually...
He would be lucky to lay his eyes on you in such a dress
Maybe it was just the thrill of it, but your heart began to beat just a bit faster at the thought of him letting his gaze wander over your back...your thighs...
„You got everything?“, a Voice shook you out of your thoughts.
The Devora was laughing at you, when you felt caught in the headlights- meaning Natasha.
„Uh, no. Actually I wanted to go and pick up the present for christmas.“
„Ahh“, she grinned at you, „Should I come with you?“
„No, it's called secret santa after all“
„You mean the secret names we swapped on the same evening, because I knew you would want to get Barnes a gift anyway?“
„Nat!“, you hissed, looking back at Pepper at the cashier, but she didn't seem to hear you.
„Relax, I don't mind, you know. You guys are really good together. He's gotten a lot more lively since you both spend so much time together“
On the inside you were screaming. But on the outside you just smiled at her, nodding gently.
„Thank you. But I still wanna go by myself, you guys can go on ahead, I'll call a taxi or something“
„Alright then, well just put your stuff in your room. Good luck“, she waved at you as she went over to Pepper, who also waved for a moment, before going back to talking with the store asisstant.
Your Idea of a present for Bucky was something boring, in itself. But you were sure he would like it, at least enough to not be disapointed in you.
After Steve had told you, that he did in fact have a record player, you decided to get him a vinyl.
A record from the 40s preferably, but you weren't sure if you were going to find anything. You had looked online for stuff like that, but those were all so expensive, it felt like they were trying to rip you off.
And the one shop you found that sold older disks had nothing older then the 60s. And there wasn't really that much time, to look through every store in New York, the thought stressed you out anyways.
So now you were headed to an atique store you had found on your little trip with Steve and Bucky. None of them had paid attention to it, but your eyes had immediately landed on the vinyl in the window.
And it was an antiuque store, so they just had to have something old, right?
You would've asked Steve, if he knew about a song Bucky would like, but you were too scared, he'd find out that it was for christmas and spoil the surprise for him.
When you arrived at the store and went inside, you thought for a second that it might actually be closed, there was no one at the counter and no customers. But as you walked further in, a man appeared from the backroom, he was rather small and pretty old, his beard grey and white at parts. He put his glasses on and looked at you, „Ah, a customer. What can I do for you?“
You couldn't really decipher the accent in his voice.
„Hi, uh, I saw you have records in the display up front. I want to buy a vinyl for a...friend of mine“, you said smiling sweetly, when he perked up and walked around the counter as fast as he could.
„I have a few, yes. Most of the things I have are brought in by people who don't need them anymore, I just restore what still works. Those“, he pointet towards the window at the front, „They are broken, but it looks nice, right?“, he laughed as he looked up at you, before searching around in one of the shelfs and pulled some records out.
„I have these, or the ones over there in the box, I just haven't tested them yet“
„Are any of these from the 40s?“, you looked at the covers, searching for a date or a year.
„Hmm, no I don't think so.“, he pondered for a moment, as he scratched his beard, „However- if you could wait for a moment“
He left you there, waddling back to the room behind the counter.
You heard another door opening, then huffing as the old man came back out with a whole record player, before he went back to gather a box full of more records.
„No, no, no“, he mumbled as he skipped through them, „no- aha, here I knew it. This one, come! Listen“, he waved you over as he put the record on and placed the needle.
You stood next to him, waiting for the song to play, while the old man watched you excitedly.
„I know this, Is that a cover?“
„Oh caro, no! This was the first version that was written in 1948. It was my wives favorite. We danced to this so often, probably every night.“
„If it's your wives favorite, then I shouldn't take it from her“, you said a little sad.
Even if the song was well known, the tune, the sound, the voice. It was exactly what you had been looking for, allthough you would've prefered something like jazz.
„No, my wife is not with me anymore. She passed away five years ago“
Your face dropped, „I'm so sorry“
„Don't be. She was happy, she was ready. And she would have loved for someone to take this song and keep listening to it. It makes me sad when I hear it by myself.“, he gave you a bittersweet smile, letting the song play for a little moment longer.
Dancing to it every night. That was dedication. And while you could say that was natural for a married couple, you couldn't help but imagine Bucky listening to this song.
His younger version, with that sweet boyish smile and the sparkling eyes. How he would dance to this song with some girl, maybe his wife, grinning from ear to ear while shamelessly flirting.
Maybe with you...would he have liked you if you'd met him back then? Before the war?
You didn't notice the shop owner staring, until the song was over, but he kept looking at you, a strange glint in his eyes.
„Is this for someone more than just a friend?“, he asked you.
„Uh, uhm- I mean, we are just friends.“ , you stuttered.
He gave you a knowing smile, „This is not a face you make, when you think about a friend, caro, whoever that person is, you feel more. These kind of songs, they don't make this anymore. Today is all about heartbreak and never about how precious it is to fall in love. I fell in love with my wife every day, no matter how long we knew eachother. And this look in your eyes- you cannot fool me“
You swallowed.
If it was that obvious, did any of the others know it as well? Or was this man just incredibly good in depicting emotions?
„And if you found someone that likes to listen to something like this, keep them, caro.“, he smiled at you again, before he put the record back into the cover.
„Okay...I'll take it“, for some reason this converstaion made you nervous.
But at the same time, you could imagine that Bucky might also enjoy it, if he had just a little bit of this boy left that was alway so peckish and charming.
„Good“, the man said, as he got out another record, „And this one, also one I really liked. These are the only two that I have from the 1940s“
„Then I'll take them both“, you said, already getting out your purse.
But as you wanted to put the money on the counter, he stopped you, grabbing your hand and closed it.
„That song is made for you, caro. You deserve love, you're still so young“, he patted the back of your hand as you gave him a confused look, „My wife would be so happy, if she knew her favorite song made it into someone elses heart“
His words stunned you a little. You couldn't do much bit stare at him when you took the records he held out to you.
„Then let me pay for something else!“, you said, feeling bad.
He shook his head, „Take it. And if your friend likes it, you come back and tell me about it, I'd love to know how long it will take...“, he chuckled.
You took the records and thanked him again, „I'll come back and tell you about it, I promise“
When the 25th came around you were so nervous, that you didn't eat all day, too scared to meet anyone. Thinking about Bucky receiving your gift was nice in theory, but now that you imagined him listening to the songs, those love songs. What would he think? What were you supposed to say?
Maybe that it had been all you could find? Well that was the truth in some way, but still.
All you did that day was waiting. And you took a shower. A long shower. So long you thought your skin might've fallen off by the end of it.
And what would you wear? Now that you had been out to get a dress, all your other clothes felt so tacky, nothing worth wearing for festivities. And you wanted tonight to be nice...
Maybe you could wear one of the dresses. But whichever one you wore tonight you couldn't wear to the party in a few days.
And no way in hell would you wear that slutty dress for such a small gathering.
You groaned, as you curled up on your bed, hungry and stressed.
It will be fine
„How would you know. Not like you ever had a crush on someone“
How would you know
It was laughing at you, at your misery.
As always.
Red is a good color for christmas
That was true. Maybe it wasn't so bad after all, that you got the next best dress besides that skimpy little thing.
You get ready and I will play some music for you
You were about to decline that offer, but it was already too late.
„You suck“, you mumbled as you tried to concentrate on anything else than the song in your head. Also a love song, not that you needed to be any more nervous.
But by the time you did your make-up you were already singing along quietly.
„Were do I even know this song from?“, you asked them.
A movie you watched religiously back when it came out. One of your only good memories from college.
The gears in your head were turning as you tried to remember, „Oh my god. That was so long ago“
Still a good song, don't you think? Wouldn't you want a certain someone to kiss you?
Your groaned as the song started again.
„Enough now, you had your fun“, you mumbled as you put on some tights to wear under the dress.
„Alright, I'm so ready for the gifts, Y'all, let's go!“, Sam clapped into his hands as everyone was finally done with their food.
Wanda and Vision had made a traditional american christmas dinner. You've never eaten turkey for christmas before, but it wasn't too bad. Not when they were so fussy about doing it the right way.
Everyone followed Sam into the lounge, where one of your christmas trees stood, lit up and presents already placed underneath, for the homey feeling. Tony had also hung some stockings in the fireplace, filling them with little bits and sweets before leaving. That man had more of a child in him than anyone else in this team.
Your nerves were laying blank at this point, you hadn't had the strength to really look at Bucky for the whole evening, only greeted him as he came down from his room, looking at you with wide eyes and a simple, „You look nice“
You weren't the only one that was dressed so formally, Wanda and Steve also had made an effort, for the special occasion.
„Okay, who goes first?“, Sam asked as everyone settled down. You sat on the floor with Steve right by the presents, while the others took a seat in the chairs and on the sofa.
„I'd say we go from youngest to oldest, no?“, Wanda asked, looking at Vision.
„Considering I am merely a few years old, I'll have to start, huh?“, he smiled at her as she tried to keep herself from laughing.
She let one of the presents float towards him, „I'ts from Tony“
„Oh, how fitting.“, Steve said.
In the package was just a T-Shirt, and as everyone realized what was on it, there was a mutual groan in the group.
„He got you his own Merch?“, you asked shaking your head in disbelief.
„That's Tony. I remember he got Sam an Iron Man plushie for his birthday last year“
„Okay, now that we got the most underwhelming present behind us, whos next?“, Sam rubbed his hands together.
Wanda let her own present float over, it was neatly packaged and had a little bow on top, considering Sams bright grin, it must be from him. It was a book. A collection of slavic fairytales.
„Thank you, Sam“, she smiled at him before brushing over the binding, „This looks old, where did you get it?“
„Ah, I got my sources, y'know? But try to be carefull with the back, I hink it's a little fragile.“
„It's great, really. Thank you so much“, her eyes lit up as she scanned over the first pages.
„Y/N, you're next“, Steve said, as he reached over for your present.
It was from bucky.
You looked up at him, seeing him shift around a little.
What were the chances?
Of course, you kind of cheated, but Nat knew you would've loved to pull his name, that's why she offered to trade.
But he had also gotten yours.
It's Fate
Your hands were shaking a little as you carefully unwrapped the present. Bedsheets.
Cotton, with Sunflowers on them.
You couldn't help the wide smile as you looked at them.
„This is..oh my god“, you looked back at him, „I love them, Thank you, Bucky“
He didn't really know what to do with himself, as he leaned back on the couch again, stuttering a little under all the attention, „I just- you like sunflowers, and- I mean I saw you always just sleep with a blanket. I thought maybe you might need some...those fit you better than those grey ones we all have“
You were still grinning widely, not able to hide how much this meant to you. Not that it was anything crazy to gift someone bedsheets, but the fact he got them because he had been so observant.
You never told anyone, how much you hated the satin sheets, and you never bothered to get new ones, since you were fine with your blanket. Now you would get to use the actual bedding.
You had the urge to get up and hug him, but you stopped yourself.
Not in front of the others, maybe later.
Sam had gotten his from clint, it was a game for an older console, you weren't sure which one, but he got super excited about it.
„Oh we gotta play this some time, you'll love it, trust me“, he told them.
Steves was from Nat, since you had picked him originally.
She got him a dark Navy blue blazer, you recognized the packaging from the store where you got your dresses from. Maybe she remembered that she also had to get a gift, after you told her you wanted to pick up yours and just bought whatever she could find there.
„For new years, apparently“, he said after reading the little card she put in with it.
And then it was time for Buckys presents.
You tried to keep calm as Steve handed him both the records, that you had wrapped seperately.
„I thought we had a one present rule?“, Vision asked.
„Who cares“, Sam said, „ Let that man have his presents, he never let's us celebrate his birthday, this is the consequence“
Bucky looked at you for a moment, as he realized they were from you. You couldn't tell what that look was supposed to mean. Maybe he also found it funny, that you had both gifted eachother.
„Wait, this is from Y/N“, Steve immediately picked it up, looking between the two of you, „What a coincidence“, he mused glaring at his best friend jokingly, thinking he was the one who might've cheated.
„What is it?“, Wanda asked leaning forward to see better.
Bucky just stared at the records and at the card you put with them.
You weren't sure if it was such a good idea to let him read it now, as the text might've been a little emotional, but he already opened it, before you could say anything.
And with every line the crease between his eyebrows deepened. As he looked back up at you, there was such a small second were you could have sworn his eyes were a little glassy, but he quickly blinked a few times before carefully putting it to the side. He didn't say anything, and you were glad he didn't because that was way too much for the whole gathering.
He studied the records, thinking about it for a moment, and asked Steve if he still had his own record player.
Your stomach dropped.
No. No way that he would listen to it when all the others were around.
„Sure, I can get it, it's not hard to set up“, Steve walked away, leaving you to sit on the floor by yourself, as your hands started to sweat.
„Oooh, vinyls. Didn't know you even had an actual music taste“, Sam joked as he propped one of his legs over the other.
„I do, and I bet it's a lot better then whatever you listen to“, Bucky said, earning him a gasp from Sam.
Steve came back and put the player down onto the little sideboard next to the fireplace, „Alright, you know how it works, right“
„It's the exact same that I have, Steve. We bought them together“, Bucky muttered as he took one of them out of it's cover.
It was the one you had listened to in the shop.
You were feeling a little sick from being so nervous, so you got up and wanted to sit down besides Sam, just in case you had to bolt towards the bathroom, but then the song started playing.
Everyone got quiet, and you didn't dare to move from your spot.
„It's the original from 1948, not the version everyone knows“, you muttered, „I had to search a while to even find anything, and the man who I got this from insisted that this was made for me- I mean that it was a good song. His wives...favorite“
You realized your were rambling, when Bucky and Steve looked at you a little confused.
Bucky listened closely for a bit, before turning around to stretch a hand out to you.
Without even thinking you took it.
„Naw, are you guys gonna dance?“, Sam whistled.
You wanted to glare at him, but Bucky had other ideas, when he tugged closer, „I thought, that was the purpose?“
Thats what you wrote in the card.
More or less.
And he seemed to take it serious.
He looked at you for a second, and his eyes were so gentle, so soft, that it almost made your knees buckle under his gaze. Then he twirled you around once, before placing his other hand on your back and closed the distance between you both.
In every other scenario and with any other man, this would've been embarrassing. But you couldn't stop looking at him, didn't even think about anyone else watching. As if there was no one else but him in this moment, in this world. He swayed you to the rest of the song, as if he had never done anything else in his life.
And with the last few lines of the song he searched your face for something, like he saw you for the first time.
You must've looked pretty wrecked, with your heart beating out of your chest and the blush on your cheeks, while you tried to keep your breath steady.
His expression was so fond, you wanted nothing but to lay yourself against his chest, hide away from this world and let him take everything- all of you.
And even though the music had ended, he didn't let go of you yet. Steve put on the next song, apparently oblivious to the tension in the room, „This ones from 1944, Buck.“
Maybe he wanted his friend to enjoy this moment just as much. It wasn't that often, that Bucky would be so interactive amongst other people.
The second song wasn't as slow, a bit more jazzy. It fit him even better, to be honest.
„Those are very nice songs to dance to, don't you think?“, he asked you as he still held you close to him, „Was that really your intention, or are you making fun of me because I'm old.“
„I meant that“, you swallowed down the fear before you continiued speaking, „I think you deserve to feel this type of happiness again, and I want to help you find it“
The look in his eyes returned to this weird distant longing, as he took a deep breath.
„Thank you“, he said quietly, before leaning his head against yours.
Just for a few heatrbeats, before he took a step back from you, leaving you feeling empty suddenly. His lips were tight and you saw his jaw flex as his brows furrowed for a moment, before glancing at Steve.
Your chest was tight with the unspoken feelings you held back. This just wasn't the moment, not the right place, but you wanted nothing more then to stay in his embrace.
„Very good form!“, Sam said as Bucky stepped around you to gather the records and the card.
They might've thought that it was just a fun little moment. Thinking back to the old days. But you were so shocked by your own feelings, that you couldn't even think straight.
He had to know, he must've felt it, this moment has not been simple, nor has it been fun.
It had been so real, that you were questioning if Bucky was trying to fuck with you, as he just sat back down again. He didn't meet your eyes. Just looked down at your card.
Maybe he was actually interested in reading it again, but you felt rejected.
If he knew or not, you couldn't keep standing there, couldn't look at him anymore. You felt the tears coming before you even realized what was happening.
As undisturbed as possible you made your way to your room, ignoring the others asking where you were going.
If they saw you now, saw you crying after such an intense moment between you and him, it was over. There would be no more hiding, no more pretending, no more denial. You could not brush it off as a fleeting feeling again. And worst of all, he would know. And he would have to answer you.
And you didn't know if you were ready for that yet.
Give it some time
„I don't want to feel like this anymore“, you sobbed as you curled up on your couch, tears running over your cheeks, smudging the makeup you'd put on for that evening.
You won't feel like this forever. I promise, you just have to get used to it again
„How can you promise me something like that? You don't even know what it's like to be in love“
Not in this kind of way, no
You let the tears come, let all the pressure wreck your body as you chocked on your cries, lungs heaving with every breath you took.
All this time you had been so concentrated on feeling happy again, that you didn't think about the consequence of all those emotions coming back into your life. Had occupied yourself with so much since then, that there was no time to let you get used to this.
It hurt so bad to feel.
You knew that once, and that was the reason you had burried all the things that caused your heart so much damage.
Because even though it was nice for a while, this part right now, that was inevitable, if you loved someone.
Was it even worth it? Were those sweet moments with him worth being haunted by heartbreak?
Please don't
The Devoras feelings were crashing through your own for a second, a wave of distress and desperation.
Don't go back there, don't let this feeling take you over. It won't last. Don't hide yourself again.
You really wanted to. Wanted to go back, when all of this wasn't possible, when all the really good and really bad emotions were all locked away and secured, so that you would make it through the next day. It hadn't been a life worth living, but it had been a life with less pain.
„Help me“, you whispered into the darkness of the room, as your body began to shiver from the emotional fatigue.
Always
You grew tired immediately, your mind was numb, and so was your body. Slowly but surely you drifted off to sleep, huddled on the couch in your fancy little dress and tears all over your face.
The next time you woke up, it was still in the middle of the night, but you were in your bed now. A blanket draped over you and a box with tissues on your nightstand. A little note stuck to it's side.
'I'm sorry'
You saw the bedsheets placed next to it.
If it was Bucky, or someone else, you didn't really care, as you could still feel the pain in your chest suffocating you.
It will always be hard to feel, but we can make it work
You didn't know if that was true.
It's not going to last
They kept saying that, but there was no guarantee for it.
At least you weren't alone.
I would never leave you.
That much you could trust.
The Devora immediately let you drift off again, as if it only wanted you to see the note. Help you realize, that someone else did care for you.
Okay, I need to make sure everyone knows how those sheets look, cuz the things I saw when searching for inspiration were....interesting.
