Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Disclaimer: I'm going to start this chapter off with a little exlplanation, sorry. I just think it's important to note, that this is a story about love, mostly, there is obviously a bit more plot, but all in all this is a romance fanfiction, and the Bucky in this fic is not exactly the same as in the MCU, this is a take on him healing and theres a lot of his inner dialogue, so he won't be as misterious and dark as I see him being depicted in a lot of headcanons. This is a diffirent reality basically, where he is allowed to find some peace. Him and the main character in this story are two sides of the same coin, both dealing with their own trauma in very diffirent ways, but still somewhat similar.

So here is the setup:

After the incident at the hydra base (the prologue), about a decade or so has passed. In the meantime Steve rogers has been out of the ice, the Avengers were founded, Bucky was freed from Hydra, ultron defeated, S.H.I.E.L.D. Has been built back up. Still under the lead of Nick Fury.

Bucky was submitted to a rehab program by S.H.I.E.L.D. With the help of Shuri and T'Challa, they could lift whatever confines they had put Buckys actual self into and freed his mind from the claws of Hydra, while the scars it left on his soul would have to keep steadily healing, he found help in his friendship with Steve and the therapy programs that Tony developed, built a new life and joined the Avengers, more or less.

After S.H.I.E.L.D. helped them out of the deal with the United Nations under a new contract with Nick Fury instead, they were mostly free to do what they wanted, but were under close survaillance from S.H.I.E.L.D. Nick Fury himself made it clear, that he was responsible for them.

They would have to follow his commands, do what he wants and had little say in the bigger decisions about the group- officially. But since Fury knew their power and that just one task they woudln't agree with would destroy the peace they had within the group, he has been letting them mostly freeroam. Except for a few of the agents, that were deemed dangerous on their own.

Those were admitted to live in a complex under the Name of S.H.I.E.L.D were they could stay or be locked up easily, when they had breached their contract. A renovated building in New York.

Whoever wanted to stay was allowed to, with only Wanda, Bucky, Natasha and Vision being obligated.

Steve and Sam had moved In with them, mostly for Bucky. Everyone else came and went however they pleased, when there were no jobs to be done.

Present day

Bucky hasn't felt safe in many years. The last four or so were such a harsh turn for him, he still couldn't let his guard down. Not yet.

A place to live, and a place to call 'home' were two diffirent things in his eyes. And living with the avengers was more work then a life anyway. No matter how much space they had to themselves, he never felt alone. Which he didn't hate, but also- it was very draining.

He had developed a routine to keep his privacy at most times. Standing up in the early morning hours to train with Steve, breakfast with the others, meal prepping for lunch and dinner so he wouldn't have to eat with them, before vanishing in his own room for most the day. He has lived there for over a year now. The only people he really let into his life were Steve and Sam, they tried to help him adjust ever since they all signed their contracts with S.H.I.E.L.D

Not long ago they started doing movie nights and cooking together, Wanda and Sam usually planning it, even inviting the others who didn't live in the complex from time to time.

Which was a sweet way of keeping the spirits up. But he still wasn't sure of how to act around them naturally, when there were too many of them in one room.

Steve was his anchor, but even his presence had a limit to calm him down. Especially when Stark was around, testing him every time. Snark remarks, words that hit him just right and made him crawl back into himself.

He had every right to not like him, but Bucky still wished he would keep the humiliating words to himself when others were around. Allthough, Stark was treating him a lot better than he felt like he deserved, after killing his family. Even if it was the Winter Soldier.

Truth was, his worst enemy were his own self-destructive thoughts, keeping him locked in a mindset of pure guilt, comsumed by self-hatred and dark memories.

Some things would always stay with him and try to break him apart, no matter how much therapy and journaling he did. There were things he had no control over.

„You down for a movie later?“, Sam nudged him with his ellbow as he took a seat next to Bucky, who was very obviously not in the mood for any talking.

„Probably not“, he answered without really thinking about it.

„Aw man, you can't keep going like this. I tell you every time, just choose the movie, no one cares if we watch a black 'n white mute film“

The joke about him being old didn't faze him. He and Steve had accepted that they might forever be the 'grandpas' in the group, just for the laughs.

„I just don't know that many movies, and I also don't like how some people always talk over the film and eat their popcorn so loud you can barely understand a word“, he gave Sam a judging glance, before taking a sip from his coffee.

Sam broke into laughter, „This guy, I swear“, he sighed towards Steve who also took a seat on the other side of bucky.

„Let him be, Wanda has already made it clear she wants to watch a bollywood film tonight“

Both men raised an eyebrow at Steve.

„Don't ask me, she wants to try new genres or something like that“.

Tony Stark made his way into the room, Natasha at his side, both looking sharp and ready to go at any moment.

They had meetings like this every few days, briefing for missions, or whenever something important had to be brought up. Clint even came all the way, which meant the importance of the meeting was beyond just team talk or who was going to clean the juice stains from the living room carpet.

Tony mustered the three giggling men through his glasses and said: „Should we seperate the school girls for this conference, or will you keep quiet, ladies?“

Steve rolled his eyes at him but didn't say anything.

„You are late“, Wanda told him, straight up annoyed.

„But I bring the news, people, so it's fine. No more waiting“, he opened a tab infront of the whole group and let everyone take in the picture on the screen, that said 'Project Devora' written on a folder.

„Our next big thing guys, Fury himself asked me for a favor and I don't really like doing those, as you know. But this“, he pointed his pen at the words, „Is of importance to S.H.I.E.L.D, so it is important to us.“

Buckys breath stilled as he saw the Hydra Symbol on the folder next to the words.

This was indeed important.

„Fury has an agent that he has to keep under survaillance for repeated disobedience, someone who has a lot to hide and a lot to fear, as far as I'm informed. Agent Solros has been targeted by Hydra for a while now, even before She got trained under S.H.I.E.L.D. They are concerned she might be in actual danger.“

„No way, you mean Hydra doesn't just wanna talk to her and give her a pat on the back?“, Wanda mumbled.

„Hydra is out for her badly. In the past she destroyed at least three of their bases- all by herself, apparently. From the information I got, she was supposed to be something like our sleeping beautys over here“, tony pointed between Steve and Bucky.

„A super soldier?“, Steve asked, brows furrowed.

„No not that, they wanted a weapon, but not with that mediocre serum you guys got-“

„You know that Steves serum was made by Erskine, with the help of your father, right Stark?“, Bucky said, clearly annoyed at his antics.

„Oh...right. Explains why he wasn't brainwashed.“

„I think you are overstepping, Tony“, Steve pressed out before giving Bucky a look that meant to say 'sorry'

Stark was the least of his concerns right now, he ran his mouth day in and out, never knowing when to stop. So he just leaned back in his chair, crossed his arms and looked around for something to distract him from the Hydra symbol.

Okay maybe he was a little fed up with Stark. But he tried to act nonchalant.

„Back to topic, this girl is apparently a symbiosis of a human and some advanced form of alien life found in a meteor in the 70s-80s, somewhere in that time frame. Hydra kidnapped her, deleted her from existence -her family, everything- And then created their only functioning vessel for their filthy little project. She has been destroying bases that contained more of the lifeforms that they forged her with, the so called 'Devora'.“

Buckys head turned so fast, he felt his neck protest against the movement.

He stared at the screen which Tony stood in in front of.

Your face.

A S.H.I.E.L.D-ID photo to be exact. You looked no day older then...

No,

No, no that couldn't be. You were dead. He had seen it, he-

„She looks pretty normal to me“, Sam said cocking his head, „And that girl took out three Hydra bases, all allone?“

„She kept crossing her authorization and got intern on Hydras experimentation based facilitys, even if she had no permission to go on her own, she did anyways. And you see the Problem is, this girl is probably completely insane, not in an applaudable way. She is nuts, because she just does whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Fury doesn't have any control over her anymore, because of her little party tricks. She cannot be contained for long, and they have been working on finding a solution for that“

„Why don't they just kill her then?“, Clint asked, „Sounds like she is a major liability“

„It's not that easy. She has only ever laid hands on Hydra agents, from S.H.I.E.L.Ds point of view, her only danger is that she won't listen to orders, and you can't just kill someone because of that. I think? She has proven countless times, how loyal she is. Fury himself calls her one of his elite, even before he knew about her little secret“

„Wait, he didn't know?“, Steve asked, „So her power is Hydra trained? Isn't that dangerous?“

„She got experimented on, that is the only information they have about her time with them. She only did a standard agent training at S.H.I.E.L.D“, Tony shrugged his shoulders.

Bucky was ringing with himself, if he should speak up, but he hadn't thought about you in so long after what happened.

After he got all his memorys back, he finally remembered you, but he had to deal with so much guilt and shame after coming out of his last round of cryo sleep, you were such a small fraction on his list of failures.

They all knew his past was littered with bodies, darkness and torture. But anytime it came up, everyone would get all concerned with him.

So he didn't say anything. He couldn't bring himself to tell them about another person he had killed...or had tried to. There was no way you should have survived any of what happened to you back in that base. Tons of concrete crushing you underneath. Even seeing your face, he just could'nt wrap his head around it.

„What's her power then, besides being a brat.“, Natasha chuckled as she leaned on the table next to Tony.

The all wanted to know, very obviously.

Buckys memory of your powers- of the way they had materialized around you and had killed so many of Hydras people in the blink of an eye... it made him shiver.

„Telekinesis, mind control. At least that's what she's shown S.H.I.E.L.D so far. Fury knows thats not her full potential, thats the problem I've been talking about by the way. There is no way to keep her out of harms way. She always returns to report, it's evident she wants to stay at S.H.I.E.L.D, but won't accept any 'No', when it comes to destroying those labs“

„Maybe she wants to stay the only one with that power“, Sam added his thoughts to the conversation.

„Buck...“, Steve whispered, startling him.

The concerned look his friend gave him was only furrowing his brows more. Was it that obvious that he wasn't okay?

„Maybe she can explain that herself, because what I'm here for today, Is to give you the information that she is being moved into this complex with you guys.“

„What?!“, Bucky nearly jumped out of his seat at those words.

Everyone gave him a confused look, since he'd usually be very quiet during meetings.

Tony stared at him, as if Bucky had personally affronted him, „Yes. We are currently clearing out and renovating the free room on the third floor, Fury wants her to move in as soon as possible and on his request we should let her accomodate first, until we get further instructions. She has been through some rough years, according to him.“, Stark closed the tabs „I have scanned the informations in and uploaded them into our network, you should be able to access it. Or ask Friday, you know the drill“, right as he said that, some of the others pulled out their phones, searching for the file.

Bucky just stood there, his breath feeling like it was stuck in his chest.

What was he going to do about you, the things he knew about you? Did you know he was here? He glanced at Sams phone, asking himself if it was a good idea to read your file. If it would tell him how you survived, if he could give him any sort of clarity, if it contained anything about how you and the Winter Soldier.

„It doesn't say her full name anywhere. Just Solros?“,Clint looked up at Tony.

„I have nothing other then the very file you're reading right now. But just so you all know, she is not dangerous, she has only ever been after the people that harmed her or that little alien thing inside her“

„When is she moving in, should we throw a welcome party for her?“, Sam joked.

„If she's even gonna talk to any of us, looks like she is a loner“, Natasha mumbled still reading the file.

„We can try and accept her into the group, if she is a good agent, she probably won't cause us any trouble“, Steve nodded, trying to keep a positive mindset for the sake of the team.

This whole thing was going to become one big pile of garbage by the time you'd be here. Meeting him. The man who had killed you.

Slowly, like his movements would cause the storm inside him to break loose, he walked towards the exit.

„She'll be here in two days, you got time to clean up until then, I'm looking at you Wanda“

Bucky barely heard any of the words as he stepped out through the door of the conference room, ignoring Steve looking after him. Worrying about him. As always.

He spent the rest of the day in his bedroom, moving from the bed to one of the armchairs at the window and back over and over. He's read it all, the whole file.

And nothing added up.

You showed up at S.H.I.E.L.D like you already knew the place, had quickly gotten into their program, before anyone even got an idea of where you came from. No one knew you were experimented on by Hydra when you graduated into your first unity, climbing your way up steadily to one of the best agents they had in that sector, before your first security breach.

Even though he knew how strong you had been all those years ago, it was a little impressive how fast you accomplished all of that.

The reports of your own missions were vague, you were trying to hide your power at first, but when they locked you up the first time, questioning you for weeks and weeks, you finaly gave, showing them that you weren't dangerous, but could do things with your energy. Just like he remembered.

When they tried to contain you again, you simply kept showing up at Furys office, telling him it was useless, and If they kept trying to put you away, you were going to leave S.H.I.E.L.D and do things your own way. That Hydra was all you needed to fight, and not them.

You told them about what happened to you. But not everything, just what they needed to know. That you could move things by force, shield yourself, get into peoples heads, had more strength than most people.

Nothing about those terrifying lifesucking powers he had witnessed. Your actual name was stated nowhere, just your Agent name, which you had given yourself as you enlisted into their program.

They've tried to keep you away from Hydra.

The last two pages of the file were the newest report you had given, your infiltration in a base in India two months ago, and then a deal you made with Fury. About staying with the Avengers in exchange for more permission and actual help on your goal to erradicate 'Project Devora' from existence, and shutting down Hydras experiment once and for all.

Nowhere did it say what happened to you, where you had been in the years before S.H.I.E.L.D, or how you had escaped Hydra. Nothing about the Winter Soldier, or how you got captured in the first place.

But he knew. He remembered you.

Y/N.

„Do you have to bring me right up to their doorstep? I'm not leaving for college“, you said to the man walking beside you, carrying a single box with little pots and plants inside while you had three big bags strapped to your body.

„I have to talk to Stark, that's the only reason I'm even coming along. And college might've been a lot easier for you, if you ask me“, Nick Fury said.

Well, he was wrong about that at least, college had been one of the worst experiences in your life...before Hydra of course.

You both stepped into the elevator of the lobby and the director asked you to press a number.

It was all dandy and smelled like the most expensive air freshener you could imagine.

„What about my old apartment? All my stuff?“, you asked him as you anxiously watched the number on the little screen.

„You never had a lot of stuff to begin with. Pretty sure all your belongings are already in those bags. And I have made arrangements to terminate your lease by the end of this month, so there is no reason for you to go back there, you won't get inside anyway“, the director gave you a side glance, that told you he knew exactly what you'd planned.

„I wasn't gonna-“

„No need to lie, we all know you don't want to be here. So in all honesty, agent Solros“, the elevator doors opened, „Leaving you in the hands of my strongest team is the better alternative instead of letting you go and accidentally cause a war“

„That's a little dramatic, don't you think?“

„Shows me just how much you really think about the impact of your actions...“, he sighs and steps out.

A few of the residents had been waiting in front of the elevator, you recognized some of them. Such as Tony Stark, Steve Rogers and Natasha Romanov, who was another former agent of S.H.I.E.L.D, well still was, just under a diffirent compartment.

You imagined that they were bursting with curiosity about the girl with an alien inside of her. They probably already knew everything and more about who you were anyway.

„The Avengers, what a sight to behold. Good to see you still look as lost as the day I left you guys here“, Fury said without much amusement in his voice.

„Good to see you still like to park your car in a no parking zone“, Tony said.

„My building, I decide where I can park and where I can't“

Natasha snickered at that and gave Tony a look that said 'He's kind of right'

You hadn't felt this out of place ever since you had started training at S.H.I.E.L.D, but everyone else had also been fairly new back then.

This here was completely diffirent, they all knew each other, had lived with eachother and fought together for years. This time you really were the newcomer.

An encouraging whisper fluttered through your mind, your 'alien' companion was trying to help lessen your anxiety.

„Welcome, Agent Solros“, Steve Rogers said, firmly greeting you with a nod and walking over to you, „Can I help you with those?“, he motioned at the bags.

„I wouldn't-“, Fury tried to say, but you already freed your left shoulder of one of the straps as you handed the tightly filled bag to the super soldier, whose eyes merely widened as his muscles flexed under the weight.

„Soil“, you just said and nodded towards the box the Director still carried.

He gave you a once over, as if he didn't quite believe that you could so easily carry such a weight on just one shoulder.

„You plan on turning your room into a garden?“, Tony asked.

„Maybe“, you tried to keep your answers short.

You didn't know these people, maybe there was no reason to distrust them, but your instincts prevented you from letting your guard down.

Assasin, Spy, Agent, Avenger, Soldier. Whatever they were, they had one thing in common. They all have fought against Hydra themselves, especially Captain America.

All that time after you had escaped them, all you wanted was to stop them, stop the experiments that had ruined your life. And finding Heyne, that motherfucker. The scientist had a special place on your revenge list.

„Whatever floats your boat. Cap, seeing that you already carry her luggage, could you show her to her room? I'll have a word with my old friend“, Tony gave Fury a sweet smile.

The director glanced down at the box in his hands, „I'll bring them to you before I leave“

As you followed Steve through the hallway, you came across an open area with a some seats and a fireplace, a few bigger windows overviewing the city.

„You can come here whenever you want, anywhere actually. You're welcome to explore your new home however you like“

The word 'Home' had you grind your teeth. This wasn't a home. Not a place to return to, not a safe space.

„But if you don't feel like it yet that's totally fine. One of my closest friends had a hard time adjusting to the new life here as well, so no need to rush.“

The whole building looked way too modern for your taste, you liked when a house looked and felt lived in instead of sterile and fancy. Your quarters during your training were just as bad with nothing but plain walls and basic furnishing.

Even with all the decor that was found here and there, this building was without an actual soul. Just a display of wealth.

„Fury said I can train here“

„Yes, we have a gym. Or if you don't want to go outside for a run or feel more like relaxing we also have a pool, just don't mind the bar Tony has put in there.“

The judgement in your voice was hard to miss, „Is it really neccessary to get drunk while swimming? Is that what he usually does?“

„He has his own place where he can do that, he doesn't use the one here, maybe occasionally...“

You didn't say anything else. It was clear as day that you never wanted to be here in the first place.

Your new prison.

„Do I get a keycard?“, was your next question as he halted in front of a door.

He looked back the way you came, „I'm not sure, Tony probably has one made for you, I'll ask him later“

The schock on your face confused him, „How else will you get around the floors, the only thing on this floor is the kitchen, our private rooms and that little common area. You can explore the whole place later, or I can show you around as well, if you'd like that“

„We'll see“

Your own keycard? They didn't actually try to keep you locked up?

„Sure“, he gave you tight smile and opened the door for you to enter.

The room was spacious and already furnished, some decor and even blankets and pillows were placed, probably for 'aesthetic'.

The bed was pretty big, a Queen-Sized matress with a cushioned headboard in a neutral grey-beige tone, the grey satin bedding was neatly made and the pillows were fluffed up.

It was hideous.

„You can do whatever you like with this room, this is just how all the rooms look before anyone moves in“

„Can I go outside?“, you asked looking at the glass desk and leather couch in the corner of the room with disgust.

„You can. We also have a rooftop where some of us hang out from time to time, it's just not very pretty up there“

„Thank you, Steve...“, you said quietly as you put your bags onto the bed.

He stood the one he had carried down at the door, not wanting to invade your privacy as you took in more of the four walls you had to live in from now on, „There is a bathroom through that door over there, just shower, toilet and sink, nothing big. There is a little area by the gym with a bathtub. Never used it before, but I heard it even has a whirpool setting“

„You don't have a whole whirpool? How devastating“, your sarcastic remark made him chuckle.

„Well maybe there was a limit for all the luxury Tony wanted us to have, or Pepper is not a fan, who knows“

„Who is Pepper?“

„She's the CEO of Stark Industries, and Tonys Girlfriend, or fiancèe? Im not sure.“

„And she designed this-“, you waved your hand around the room.

„She tried to keep it very neutral for whoever would move in“

„I can definetely see that. It's very...modern“, you said.

„Indeed. It is very modern, she would have no problem helping you find a better style if you just asked her“, he smiled at you again, trying to lighten the mood.

He probably recognized the disdain in your voice by now, but as uncomfortable as that was for him, you weren't going to act like this was easy for you either.

„I will let you get settled in, my room is right across on the other side of the hallway. We'll have a little team meeting at 5, you're more then welcome to join, Wanda made a little snack-plate, just in case you came.“

„She didn't have to...“, you said feeling a tinge of guilt at how annoyed you were at their friendly behaviour.

„She is really nice, you two would probably get along well“

Again, you didn't say anything, swallowing your anger at him assuming you were going to get along with anyone, not even knowing who you were.

As he stepped outside, he turned back once more and said, „You can trust us, agent Solros.“

A lie.

With the flick of your fingers you let the door slam shut and locked it as well, leaving a baffled Steve on the other side.

How dare he use such a word, such an incredibly dangerous word in your presence.

Trust was something you would most likely never feel again, all your life you had trusted people, tried seeing only the good in them and never assumed bad attentions. But now it was diffirent. Hydra had changed you, not just your DNA, but you as a person.

And just the thought of trusting them let bile rise in your throat. Being vulnerable or letting them see the real you, who was once so doe-eyed and believed she could change things for the better, she was gone.

All that was left in your life now was going after Hydra, there was nothing else that held all those broken pieces of your soul together but revenge.

And you knew it was unhealthy, were aware of what you put yourself through, instead of getting any help and feel the loss of your old self, of your life.

The Devora was always helping you put yourself back together, when you couldn't take it anymore, when the feelings were too much and the memories became raging pain. It guided you into the only safe place you knew, deep in your mind, where it's centre was, making it look like a cozy bed of flowers during sunset.

It wanted to protect you, has always looked out for your fragile mentality like no one ever could. That was the only thing you could trust. It was your partner, and you would never feel a conection that deep to anyone else ever again. Even if it wasn't an actual person.

„Do you want to introduce yourself to them?“

You felt it shy away at your words.

„I know you can't use my voice that easily, but we can still try If you want to, I can feel your excitement ever since we stepped into the elevator“

There was a sense of shame and outrage at your statement, but you both knew you were right.

It was happy to meet the avengers, especially Wanda, someone It knew to be telepathic in some kind of way, thinking she might be able to sense it's existence or even talk to it, which scared you to no end.

Another person on top of who you already had to share your body with, invading your head? Oh hell no.

You started inspecting your room, ripping open drawers and closets, looking between the sheets and chushions, the bathroom cabinets, pillow cases and even inbetween the gaps of the chair in the corner. No cameras, no wiretaps. Everything was clean.

And since you were already at it, you stripped the bedding off the sheets completely. That texture was a nightmare for you, way to soft and slippery.

And the bed....

You thought about it for a moment and decided to demolish the whole entire structure of the room, pushing the bed into the corner by the bigwindows, it couldn't stand out in the open, no matter how much worse it made the room look, you were never gonna sleep if you didn't have a corner that you could huddle into. The thought of laying in the open, accessible from every side.

Like a certain bed of steel. A memory that let your blood run cold.

„I'll just sleep with a blanket for now...“, you mused as you examined the crumbled sheets on the floor.

You put some of the things you brought into the cabinets and drawers before looking at the bag with the soil in it.

You had no idea when Fury was going to be done with Stark, but you really wanted your plants with you.

They gave you a sense of calm and arrival. Perhaps the only other constant in your life besides the Devora you shared your brain with.

A glance at your phone also told you that their meeting was starting in about 15 minutes.

Surely it wouldn't be weird to just say hello. You were a bit nervous to meet them all so soon, but it would be better then having them come one by one, that would be draining.

When you made your way back towards the elevator, you tried to ignore how the light felt just a little too cold. You hated bright sterile lights, always reminding you of the time you spend under hydras cold hands and prongs.

It wasn't even that dark outside, why keep them on?

You flexed your fingers, trying to get your mind elsewhere as you kept walking.

There were sounds coming from the area before the lift, people were talking.

As you got closer, steps quieting a little, you could hear some of what they were saying.

„-something to be scared about“, someone just finished their sentence.

You didn't recognize the voice immediately.

„She won't get to decide it. Fury has to give us his go, before any missions anyway and he will act in her best interest. He's worried about her, and not trying to keep her in detention“, another Voice said, you realized it was Natasha.

„Well, she better hold onto his word then, one time she oversteps and everybodys freedom is in danger“

„He wouldn't leave her here if he didn't trust her, don't you think?“

There was a lump building in your throat at that.

You had thought about running away already, but you didn't think about the consequences that would have on the Avengers.

Now that you were bound to this building by contract, your failures would be reflected onto them immediately.

„He's made a lot of mistakes before. He was lucky with Barnes, because he had Steve, but she doesn't have anyone grounding her here, how would that-“

Natasha shushed him. And suddenly she walked up into the open area that led into the kitchen, close to were you stood.

„Eavesdropping on day one, Solros?“, she quirked an eyebrow at you.

You felt like you were caught in the headlights of a truck, shame flooding over you. But you bit back on the apologie that formed on your tongue.

„Don't think it counts as eavesdropping when you talk about me“, you said instead.

Behind Natasha a man appeared, short hair and a serious expression grained into his features.

„Clint, this is Agent Solros“, Natasha said, „Maybe you wanna explain to her, what you're so worried about“

He gave you a quick once over, before looking directly into your eyes, „She already knows“, and then made his way to the elevator.

Natasha sighed, „You on your way to the meeting?“

„I can't access the elevator. I wanted to look for Fury, or Tony, whoever I would come across first.“

„We'll take you down, come on. He won't bite“, she gave a nod towards the direction of the elevator.

„Don't go making promises for me, Nat“, he just called back.

You followed them anyways, your plants already forgotten.

As they showed you the room for their usual meetings, you already felt a lot better about Clint, Agent Barton. Or Hawkeye, as the Avengers naturally all had their own hero names or whatever.

He was short on words, but he wasn't really all that cautious with you as you had assumed.

Already cracking little jokes with Natasha before the elevator even stopped, and from their antiques alone, without reading their minds, you could see they were really fond with eachother.

„You can just sit anywhere, we don't have a seating plan“, he said letting himself down onto a chair at the big table, where two people arealdy sat, talking quietly, until they saw you enter.

One of them was Wanda Maximoff, the very woman your little 'friend' was the most excited to meet, and it nearly made you shudder as it's anticipation lavished over you.

Next to her sat another man, a hand on her shoulder while he looked at you with wondering eyes.

„Hello“, Wanda said with a soft smile and an accent rolling off her tongue, „Nice to see you joining us already“

„Hi“, you just said, not really ellaborating on why you were there.

„This chair is free, if you like“, the other man besides Wanda motioned towards a chair next to them.

„I thought there is no seating plan“you gave a side glance towards agent Barton.

He just held his hands up in surrender: „We never made one, some have their designated places, but I couldn't care less“

You took the chair they told you was fine to sit in and just sighed as you plopped down, crossing your arms over your chest.

The man and Wanda were still eyeing you.

„We are glad you are here“, he said, Wanda just nodding at his words, „We heard about your powers and were really curious“

You felt something shift in your mind, as if the Devora was stretching around it, blocking your thoughts from someone, maybe Wanda.

„I know what you're“, you just said calmly.

„That is interesting“, he said, „Can you also read our minds?“

„I try not to do that, it's not...very nice“, you don't read peoples thoughts that much, it was a line that you hated to cross, unless it was neccessary.

„I didn't mean to invade your personal space, it's a bad habit to check new people“, she said, „I am Wanda, this is Vision.“

The man next to you gently smiled at you.

Vision? When you thought of that name, someone completely diffirent came into your mind. Red synthetic skin and the mind-stone plated onto his forehead, this person was just a man.

„You might not recognize me. I wanted to make a good first impression“

„I don't judge anyones looks“, you said, hearing Clint snicker at the other end of the table.

Before any other words could be said, another few people entered the room.

A man you didn't recognize, then Tony and a blonde woman with a tight ponytail clad in a classic pencil skirt and blazer.

She carried a stack of papers with her, which she promptly dropped onto the table before sitting down, huffing, „You guys let me stay up last night, with everything that you destroyed on your last mission. I know you don't wanna hear it, but I really hate how careless you get when fighting“

„Truly, how could we not make sure all the cars and buildings stayed intact, how cruel of us“, Tony mused as he went around the table and put his tablet down. He clearly wasn't sorry.

„Ohh, the new girl!“, the other guy that entered with them suddenly broke out, grinning as he spotted you, „Thought we wouldn't see you until we dragged you out of your room for sure“, he strutted over to you and plopped down next to you, making you wince slightly, „ I'm Sam, you know, the super soldier-wing man“

You heard of him, and that he was befriended with Steve Rogers as well.

„Nice to meet you“, you said, his bright grin making you feel obligated to show some kindness back.

„Oh, Agent Solros“, Tony piped up, as if he only now recognized your presence, „I didn't know you would be with us...“

His eyes searched the faces of the others for a while.

„Should I not?“

„I was going to bring you your little greens and goodies after this“, he waved around the room“, and give you a keycard for accessing the building by yourself. I didn't want to overwhelm you with a whole conference already“

It was a white lie, you could practically smell his anxiety as he glanced back at the door over and over again.

„I can leave“

„No it's fine“, said Wanda, „You are more then welcome to stay“

Tony had other ideas of where you should be, but you just kept sinking deeper into your seat as the others kept talking with eachother.

Tony and the blonde woman, which you now had gathered to be Pepper Potts, kept talking with hushed voices on their corner of the table, every now and then giving you a side eye.

Pepper tried to smile at you, but the whole situation had pissed you off so bad, you couldn't do much but stare at anyone who made eye contact with you.

As the door swung open, Steve Rogers stepped into the room, his eyes immediately landing ony your crouched form.

His eyes went wide and he stilled in his movement, looking over at Tony and then back to you..

„You actually showed up“, his voice was a little shaky, nervous even.

Everyone had expected you not to come, even the guy who invited you.

Hell, even you thought you wouldn't have come.

Someone stood behind Steves back, but all you could see was some dark hair over his shoulder.

„You said it's fine, didn't you?“, you asked fully annoyed now.

„And I meant that, I just-“, his lips tightened into a thin line, not finding any words for what he wanted to tell you.

„Get your ass in now, we been waiting for you“, Sam said, motioning at him to take the chair besides him.

And as Steve turned around towards the person behind him, your blood ran cold.

He gave the way free to someone you hadn't seen in years, someone whose face haunted you in your dreams night for night.

This face that was ingrained into your mind, you would have recognized him anywhere.

With a clutter your chair fell over as you sprung up, fight or flight sriking like a bomb.

The mans face went blank as he saw you standing at the table, all other eyes looking between you and him, forth and back.

Your jaw locked in place, deep anger and fear hitting you over the head like a brick. The usually gentle hand on your mind was not helping at all, maybe even making it worse.

And whatever you had tried so carefully to hold back in all these years came forth the second his eyes looked at you.

The Winter Soldier

Chapter Text

You couldn't see anything. It was dark, like nightfall had laid itself over you. And the darkness didn't pass when you slowly started feeling your hands again. Your lungs were aching for breath, but you couldn't muster the strength to take it. Something warm was flowing down your face, the substance passing your eyelids and running over your mouth. You could taste the earth and the blood on your tongue, while your ears were ringing in a mindnumbing frequency.

You passed out two more times before you felt your arms move on their own, thoughts rushing through your head, begging you to wake up, to help them.

Help who?

You would've screamed, if there hadn't been so much pressure on your lungs. Every move you made felt like you were tearing yourself apart, as some of the weight was lifted off your chest and shoulders. Still no light, just the tinnitus reverberating in your skull like an alarm.

The instinct to safe yourself was all that urged you, the muscles in your arms crying from the weight of whatever you pushed off your chest.

As ir was lifted just enough, you took a breath and regretted it in an instant. You nearly choked on all the dirt and debris that clogged your airways, coughing into the nothingness around you as you tried to take another breath. And another, until there was just enough oxygen inside you to keep going.

You turned and twisted yourself as much as you could, rubble was falling all over you with every move and your head started spinning violently.

Ther still was no feeling in your legs. Adrenaline rushed through, all you could think about was that you were going to die.

So much pain, everywhere all over your body, every little inch of you ached like you had been run over a million times.

Your hands were searching around for something to hold onto, find a way out of the pitch black void you were stuck in.

There was so much stone, plates, just uneven bits and parts under your fingers, pushing at whatever you could find that would move.

Suddenly there was a tiny spot of light shining into your void, a whole made itself up as you crawled with all the strength your muscles could spare. And when the light became brighter, you reached your hand out for it, but instead of holding onto it you felt a breeze against the tips of your fingers.

You gritted your teeth as you twisted your body into the gap you opened, just big enough for your arm. You pushed again, more rubble falling around you.

You could see the broken pieces of wood and concrete now, coughing again as more dust made its way into your lungs, the more you pushed.

You were stuck in a grave, thats how it felt, like the ground had swallowed you and didn't let you leave anymore, as you desperately clawed at everything you could get a hold of. Just for more dirt to take its place.

Panic set in, tears were burning in your eyes as your breath quickened.

You wouldn't die here. Alone. Scared.

More and more, forth and back, you kept pushing everything you got a hold of, the skin on your hands had ripped from dragging and pulling on the sharp stone, your fingernails were bleeding as you dug them in. Again. Over and over.

You saw the gap widen, the light englufing the hole you were stuck in.

So you dragged yourself forward again, biting your tongue at the pain in your body as you pushed your wounded stomach over the rough concrete underneath you.

Lungs burning, hands shaking. Eyes swimming with tears and blood that was still running over your face.

You would get there, you wouldn't stop.

There was something more then anguish burning in you, something that needed to make it out, that would help you stand on your feet no matter what.

Something that was more then just you.

Something that wanted to live.

„You...“, your voice was wavering.

A broken sound escaping your mouth instead of another word.

Your heart was beating out of your chest at the sight of the man who had tried to kill you for good.

A man- no, a weapon.

Someone you had wanted to trust when there was nothing left of you but grief and anger.

He didn't say a single word, just looked at you with regret. With pitty.

Maybe for you, or maybe for himself.

„Did everyone know?“, the people around you were confused as you looked at them.

Except for one. Steve Rogers was standing between you and the Winter Soldier, as if to protect him.

„Hey, we should not do this here“, he sad in a calm tone.

He tried to soothe the welling anger that was raging within you.

The atmosphere around you had changed, slowly but surely your skin was buzzing and the lights were starting to flicker

„Of all the places you could be...“, you gritted out.

Your name quitely left his lips.

It took you by so much surprise to hear it again, after so many years of living like a ghost, without a name, without a family that it belonged to.

„This is Agent Solros“, Tony cleared his throat in an attempt to lift the unnerving tension in the room.

„No he's right, wasn't that the name of the young woman whose life you stole? Or was there too many others that you can't even remember?“

Your lips quivered with all the hate and vile words you were holding back as you stepped closer to the tall blonde man that was shielding him.

„You will not do this here“, he said again, voice threatening this time, but you didn't care.

„I will do whatever I want with him, you can't-“

„I won't let you hurt him, no matter what he did, it was not him. You can't blame him!“

You know nothing! , it came from within you.

Quiet and supressed. Like it was holding something back.

„I have every right to do so“

The room was so close to bursting with the tension and built up energy you had collected around you.

They all stared in silence as the dark haired Soldier walked around Steve, like he was accepting his fate.

You didn't give him the chance to get any closer to you, he was immediately forced back into the wall, an uproar in the room as the others tried getting a hold of you. They couldn't get to you in time, couldn't get through the thick energy around you, while your hand came up to his throat.

You remembered what it felt like the first time you did this, when you held his life in your hands and...spared it.

Remembered the eyes that held your gaze with so much acceptance. Like he was allowing you to take him down with you, wherever you went.

And his eyes-

They were still cold and blue, but...

„I know what I did. I deserve this“, he said, voice rough and strained as your hand tightened its grip around his neck.

You couldn't see the eyes that had haunted you ever since that day. The eyes that had you waking up screaming in the middle of the night, the eyes that had your insides turn in fear of the memory. Of what would have been your death, if it weren't for the other life inside of you, holding you together like shattered glass.

It just wasn't them, this man in front of you had eyes full of sorrow. Darkness was swimming behind them, self-hatred and fear.

So much pain.

So many emotions.

You couldn't describe what you were feeling. You had waited to see those eyes again. One day, some day. You would've anticipated it for the rest of your life, maybe even when you'd have defeated Hydra once and for all. Would have waited for him like he could bring you salvation.

But this wasn't him anymore.

Your grip on him loosened, the energy around you died down like a blown out candle.

„Hydra..“, you breathed out, „Did they let you go?“

He was taken aback by your question „They didn't. I got freed.“

Your laugh was joyless, sarcastic, „You were saved? Wow...“

There was a strange sense of aching replacing the anger within you.

You had imagined the moment you met him again, had feared the empty eyes that pierced you as he tried choking the life out of you.

But they weren't there anymore.

Just the man you had seen in the laboratory, right after the injection. A less broken version of him.

„You're...Bucky. You're not him“, you choked on your words, closing your eyes in defeat, as the realization slowly kicked in. And your hand let go of him.

You couldn't look at him.

„You know him?“, Sam asked and you were suddenly reminded of all the people around you.

You held your breath, trying to swallow the hatred you had kept for all those years. Fighting it down.

If he wasn't the Soldier, if he wasn't the weapon-

You exhaled slowly.

„It wasn't you“, a whisper, not even a question.

But he shook his head, „I was there, but I wasn't in control anymore“, he still had a hand on his throat were you nearly strangled him.

Only now you saw that his arm looked diffirent. It wasn't that shining silver metal anymore, it was black and looked smooth, more comfortable.

He saw your gaze linger on his prosthetic, „No matter how long it's been, I never forgave myself for what happened“

Your jaw was tense with all the unspoken words you wanted to say.

„Hey, so- I don't really wanna interrupt your little moment, but we are all kind if waiting for an explanation, as to what in the hell you are talking about“, Tony said, giving Steve a side glance.

You felt so weak. There was nowhere for those feelings of hatred and revenge could go, they were just floating around in endless waves of inner conflict, locked away for everyones sake.

The pit where all your memories were burried, the vortex in your mind that usually held all your pain, it was threatening to open up.

„Bucky“, Steve said, „Please, we have to tell them.“

Bucky.

The way he said his name, the same way you had already heard someone say it before.

Your eyes shot up at him.

The Captain America. Now as you looked at him, the resemblence was there, those pictures. The scenes that had raged behind the Winter Soldiers eyes- trying to be freed from Hydras restraints.

It all came together.

„My name is James Buchanan Barnes. I am not, nor will I ever be the 'Winter Soldier' again“, he said not moving from his spot, as if not to stress you.

Like you were an animal that would lash out at them if they made one wrong move. Everyone stood still.

„I am not dangerous, I promise. Not anymore...“, saying that took a lot out of him.

It was like confirming a truth that burned his tongue, „I never meant to hurt anyone, especially not you“

„Why?“, your voice was shrill in your ears, they must've heard how you're holding back the tears.

„Enough now“, Vision suddenly said, „There is a right time for everything, and this isn't the place for such a sentimental conversation. Not with everyone here listening.“

He was shushing you like a child. As if you were just too emotional and not on the verge of imploding under the pressure of your past.

Wanda came up behind you, a hand steady on your arm as she gave you a slight push towards the door.

You let her, only now feeling how your body was shaking. Okay maybe they did know, how close you were to breaking down.

„Come, I can help you“, she said as you both left the room.

You heard everyone start talking again, a cacophony of voices that you couldn't tell apart. The further you went, the louder they got.

You looked back down the hall, and saw him standing there at the door, watching you leave.

„When were you going to tell us, you knew about her?“, Clint asked.

„He doesn't have to tell us about anything he isn't comfortable with“, Steve shot everyone in the room a glare.

„Oh, let me guess, he told you?“, Natasha grumbled and shook her head at him, „This isn't just about him, is it?“

„She was really fucking pissed there for a second“, Sam said as he sat back into his chair, „ I thought for sure she was going to strangle him“

„I wouldn't have let her“, Steve said.

„Did you not see how the atmosphere shifted around her? She was ready to unload all that freaky power on us!“, Tony threw in, as he paced up and down the room and looking at Steve, „Your friend should've told us.“

„I damned her“, Bucky suddenly mumbled, „I saw it in her face, I know that look she gave me. Like it might let her finally rest when she kills me“

„Well, that would've been great to know before she came here, no?“, Tony steadied himself on the table.

„Bucky told me when I picked him up for the meeting. We can't trust her to be around him, we have to tell Fury to take her ba-“

Before Steve could finish his sentence Tony immediately interrupted him, „He won't do that. There is a reason She is here, remember? He told me about the whole plan she has, how she wants to take down Hydra, how powerfull she really is. You know, how no one has ever survived at those bases? I thought she destroyed them- no! She annihilated them. Earlier he showed me the pictures from her little missions. Corpses drained of life, their skin wrinkled and grey, as if they had been mumified. We should definetely be careful around her, especially if she's this unstable all the time. But she needs a team to ground her, to make her feel like a person again, Cap. She needs this, needs us to help her find a purpose again. Just like him“

The others all silently followed his gaze as he turned towards Bucky.

„Sergeant Barnes will have to get over himself and make it right by her, because we have strict orders to protect her and fulffill her mission. Which is to stop the Devora Experiments once and for all.“

He ignored the daggers that Steve was shooting in his direction.

„Right, I will have to step up. I got the chance to heal, and if she needs to strangle me for her own chance at peace, I will let her“, Bucky said, mind fogged from the strange feelings this all brought up.

He would never be able to reverse any of the gruesome things he had done in the past, but with you he might have a chance to redeem himself.

„You are very calm now“, Wanda said as she let her magic work its way around your temples. She had insisted to try and relief your thoughts after the incident with Bucky.

„I get a little bit of help when I need to ground myself. If my feelings get out of control, that little thing inside me just takes 'em and puts them where they belong“

„And where do they belong? Where does that...little alien put them?“, she asks, cocking her head to the side a bit, as if she had to concentrate.

„They don't like being called an alien...“

„But they are. They're at least not from this earth, and since they cannot tell your where they are from-“

„How would you know that?“, you slapped her hands away from your head, „Stop snooping around in there please, I don't need anyone to bring chaos into my head.“

„I didn't mean to...I just never seen a mind so complex before. Everything is so organized, like a bookshelf. You just grab what you look for, instead of having to search for it. Does...it do that?“

You closed your eyes as if to compose yourself for the usual answer, when anyone asks about your mind or the other life which occupies it.

'I can't say what they do, they don't talk to me'

But this time you felt it encourage you to keep talking with Wanda. It was totally not trying to impress her, no.

Such a complex lifeform wouldn't be fangirling over another person, just because they could also look into peoples minds.

You rolled your eyes at the upcoming outrage from your sarcastic thoughts.

„Well,I guess I an tell you some thing. For now, yes, it helps organize my thoughts and my memories as well. It usually keeps them close to itself, so it can access everything when needed. Which is pretty annoying, since they can decide to show me the most embarrassing memory of my life just because we got into some argument. And it lets that memory play over and over until I give in.“

Wandas eyes go wide, „You talk with eachother?“

„It doesn't have a voice“, now that was what you were used to, „It just feels, sort of, its hard to explain, if you never experienced it...“

„It sounds complicated, yeah“, she gives you an apologetic look, „How can it even understand what you want, if its not human or speaks any language?“

„Well, emotions are a language in my opinion. It helps understanding all sorts of things, that can't be explained with words or actions. But sometimes it just places thoughts into my head, so I know what it wants. And it can understand any language I understand, since it's directly webbed into my brain“

„That is so interesting, I bet Vision would love to know about these things, he is very inquiring“, she smiles absentmindedly.

You didn't really like the thought of yet another person knowing so much about you, or how your brain worked.

Not even Fury knew everything about you, actually- no one did. You've hardly talked to anyone for the last decade, had to change your whole self to life with another being inside of you. It was hard to never really feel alone, unless you get it to hide itself away for a while. Which it usually protested against.

„Have you met him under Hydra?“, she suddenly asks after realizing how quiet you got.

You were a bit confused about that question, you had assumed they knew who you were, and if this man lived with them here...

Has he never talked about you?

You might have been one of so many victims on his list, but you thought the whole fact you had nearly escaped together was something worth remebering.

„I didn't meet him at a hot dog stand, thats for sure“

She squinted her eyes at you, „You do realize that most of the people that have met him usually ended up dead, right?“

„Yea well, he did try to kill me. And any normal human would have died, I just...“, you felt your throat close up in fear at the rising thoughts about your near death experience.

„Is it hard to talk about it? You could just show me...if you trust me, that is“

There it was again. That fucking word.

„I can't really just trust someone who I just met“, you grumbled trying to push back your frustration.

„That is true, but I would like to help you. I can meet you halfway. Show you one of my hardest moments in life so far“

„You wanna trade trauma?“

She looked like she wanted to disagree with your wording for a second, but as she thought about it, she just said, „Yes, pretty much. If I have more information on the feelings and thoughts you guard, I can definetely turn them into something less scary, without rummaging through your brain“

„What if I don't want you to change those memories“

You didn't like to imagine anyone tampering with your brain like that, you had seen it in the memories of the winter soldier once. What a little bit of brainwash here and false memories there could do to someone.

„I know what I'm doing, I don't have to change them, I'm just lifting some of their affiliated feelings. If you could look at a situation more clearly instead of fearing it, things migh-“

„Okay“, the word shot out of your mouth quicker then you could even think, shocking the red haired woman- and yourself.

I won't always be able to push them back. It's only a temporary solution and you know that. They always come back up

It was the truth. But you couldn't help the betrayal that you felt.

„-just not today“, you added, taking control of your mouth back.

Even if it was the right thing to do, you weren't ready for all those things to be so present in your mind again. Not after you've carefully put them so far away.

„Well it's a start, you can always come to me when you want to try it“, she gave you a kind, reassuring smile, softly taking your hands in hers, „Don't be scared of us...of him“

It felt so strange to be touched by someone else, that wasn't having any ulterior motives.

Or maybe she did, that was up to interpretation.

You really tried not to succumb to your desperate need for the warmth that her hands had left on your skin. It travelled all over your body like goosebumps and you could practically feel each of your muscles relax.

You can't leave your old life behind, without embracing your new one.

You just weren't ready, that's what you kept telling yourself ever since you started working for Fury.

„I knew who he was before Hydra. I saw that man today- a part of him. But not the soldier. It wasn't Bucky who tried to kill me and I get that. I just don't know if I have the strength to tell that to myself everyday from now on. We don't know how long I might have to stay here, and I already wish I never agreed to any of this in the first place“

The empathy in her eyes was so real and it made your stomach turn how much you wanted to lean into her.

„I will do anything to make you feel better, Hydra doesn't deserve to take everything from us. I will fight for your heart, as much as I am fighting for my own ever since“, she spoke so gentle, so understanding...

That you felt like you might not be alone anymore for a moment.

„Friday, have you informed the newbie about breakfast time?“, Tony asked the ever-present AI as he refilled his coffee for the third time since he came into the Kitchen.

„She has refused to leave her room, even after multiple attempts to notify her about her door always being open the last days, Sir“, Friday asnwered him, the voice echoing in the room around them.

„Kitchen is open ended, or not? We shouldn't pressure her into eating with any of us, some of us rather eat alone“, Natasha said as she eyed Steve and Bucky eating their fourth plate of pancakes.

„She hasn't come out at all and we have business to discuss. We are supposed to leave for our next mission tomorrow, you think we can travel the whole way to Canada and back with her after what happened?“, Tony asked her, „And also, I would really like to go back into my own home, with my lovely fiancée and spend my time with her rather then managing this frat-house-drama“

„Then leave“, Cap said before shoving another bite into his mouth.

Wanda looked at them all in disbelief, „None of you have tried talking to her, have you?“

Eveyone looked up at her. Sam, who had been barely listening and reading news on his phone, Natasha who also had a single cup of coffee sitting infront of her, that she would occasionally look into, and both super-soldiers that had cleaned their plates yet again.

„Well, how exactly do you imagine she would react to any of us just standing in front of her door?“, Steve asked.

„I visited her and talked to her these last few days, and every time she felt a lot more calm then before“, she snapped back at him.

„But you're a lot more charismatic than some of us“, Nat told her, most definetely meaning herself.

Wanda glared at them one by one: „I can't believe you already gave up on her... we all have done really fucked up things and still got a chance, she has so much potential and such a kind soul, I would hate to see you all let it go to waste because she scared you“

„Who said she scared us?“, Sam asked, suddenly very invested in the conversation.

„We only saw her use her power once and it wasn't that impressive to be honest“, Natasha added shrugging her shoulders.

„But you felt it, because that is how her powers work. She doesn't just create something, she sucks the energy from her surroundings, and you felt those strings pull at your bodies, I know you did“, Wanda pointed around at them, her eyes landing on Bucky, who has already sunken into himself during her rant.

And the way everyone kept quiet confirmed it.

Bucky himself had experienced your powers firsthand, back when your energy was unformed and raw.

Now you clearly knew what you were doing, and that was as dangerous as it was impressive. For him at least.

„I can talk to her, I just don't think she would want that at all“, he said as Wandas stare didn't waver from him.

„Absolutely not!“, Steve straightened in his seat, „If she reacts anything like last time-“

„She let me go, didn't she? She had every chance to take my life, and the fact she didn't, shows she still has control over herself“

„She has some really good self control actually...“, Wanda muttered, thinking about something for a second before her eyes searched for Buckys yet again, „Maybe I can come with you, since she's less wary of me“

Steve looked like he wanted to say something again, but Bucky already agreed to Wandas offer, „We have to show her we care, wasn't that the plan? To make her feel included?“, he looked at Tony who was leaned against the counter and nodded.

„Tell her about the little therapy program I developed, actually- Friday, send her a little summary of what we can offer, she should be in the system by now. So if she has more then just ptsd from Hydra, we could get her help without your magic.“

Wanda didn't take it as an offense, she was still the only one who had some sort of connection towards you, but Tonys programs were still more effective in the long run.

Bucky already knew that, it has helped him a lot, ever since he moved in.

Steve looked at them all, brooding within as he tried to not say how bad of an idea this was, but Sam gave him a strong pat on the shoulder, telling him not to worry.

It might not have been the best Idea of Wanda to confront you, but she was right.

Everyone shyed away from you, isolating you further in this place that was so foreign to you.

The first thing he recognized about you, was how tired you looked and the red streaks on your skin. Especially on your arms.

„We just wanted to see how you are“, Wanda smiled at you but Bucky saw how your eyes were glued to him, even as he stood a few steps away from the door. Just in case.

„I'm fine“, your answer was tight, laced with an uncomfortable undertone.

There was a distinct look in your eyes as they watched him, you weren't even blinking.

„You had anything to eat yet?“, he asked, trying to overcome his fear of talking to you quickly, before his mouth could never open again.

Seemingly surprised at his casual question, you let your gaze drift to Wanda, as if to confirm what you heard, „No...not yet. I eat when everyone is gone“

„But then you miss out on all the good stuff, him and Steve eat like their next meal might be years from now, so theres never much left“

He wasn't sure if it was just his imagination, but he might've seen the corners of your mouth twitch for a second.

„In my defense, our metabolism is vastly diffirent to those of the others, so we kinda have to eat that much“, he said, laughing nervously.

He hasn't been this nervous ever since Sam had organized a date for him, that he had to personally cancel last minute.

It was his nerves, he told himself.

You wouldn't hurt him.

„I get that, trust me“, his eyes went wide, as you grinned at them. Wanda even looked back over her shoulder in disbelieve for half a second, „After using my powers I turn into a bear, I really just eat everything I can find, so when I know I have to use them, I prepare with larger meals“

„Interesting“, Wanda mused.

„Everything I tell you is interesting, apparently. You keep saying that“

„I'm sorry, but it is, and it makes a lot of sense to me, that you need to recover more energy after using it up, no?“, she explained and looked a little amused at your annoyance.

The interaction went so much smoother than he had expected, yet you still seemed uncomfortable with them standing infront of your door.

He glanced over your head into the room. Everthing still looked very clean, just a big pile of fabric was bunched into a corner of the room, and you had rearranged the furniture, „You have stuff to do, or do you wanna join us, before Steve eats the last pancakes?“

You absentmindedly scratched at your skin, drawing more of the red lines he observed earlier.

„Oooh we also have a coffee- machine here, that can make them just like at starbucks, theres syrups and whipped cream, it's amazing“, Wanda tried to entice you further.

Your lips were pressed into a thin line as you looked away, but then, with a heavy sigh, you said: „Alright, I just have to get myself dressed first“

„Huh? You look fine!“, Wanda stated, grabbing your hand and gesturing for you to follow her, „Sam stays in Pyjamas until noon when there's nothing to do, no one cares what you look like“

You seemed to regret saying yes to her already, but you just grabbed your keycard and closed the door behind you.

Wanda on the other hand looked at Bucky with such childish excitement, that he couldn't help but feel hopeful.

He tried to keep a little distance behind the two girls as they went back to the kitchen, where the others were still talking nonsense about a past mission.

As you arrived, they all looked up in surprise.

„Oh! Who would have thought- Welcome, Y/N. Can I call you that?“, Tony asked.

„I guess. It's my name after all“, you mumbled as you tried to find your place under all the eyes that were fixed on you.

Sam got up, hurrying across the kitchen to retrieve a plate from the cupboards and placed it on the table, „Here, sit, theres still some croassoaints and pancakes left, if you want some“

You sat down with everyone ushering around you, as if they tried to show they weren't scared of you.

It made you nervous, Bucky could see the way you scratched your arms more and more.

He quietly went over to the freezer and grabbed an ice pack before going back to the others, handing it to you.

You just looked at the ice pack in confusion and then at him.

„I know what it's like, that itching...the shocks- sometimes my skin does that. Ice helps“

The understanding in your gaze let his mouth go dry.

So he was right.

He had experienced many forms of torture in his lifetime. And controlled shocks were just one of the things that left a mark on him.

He could still feel it run through him sometimes. Phantom pain.

„Thank you“, he nearly couldn't hear you say it, it was less then a whisper, but you started rubbing the ice pack over some of the red patches on your skin and looked away from him, intentionally ignoring his gaze.

He didn't say anything, sitting back down with Steve, who was looking at him expectantly, like he was supposed to report, but Bucky just shook his head at his friend.

„Well kid, we hoped to see you, theres a few things we gotta talk about, for now though, please eat whatever you want, and more. Tell us what you wanna drink, and after breakfast we could talk a little more informally maybe“, Tony gave everyone a crooked smile.

You helped yourself to a piece of toast first, nervous to eat while being watched.

Wanda kept talking to you, trying to distract you from Steves and Natashas staring, Sam tried joining in here and there.

And Bucky just sat back and watched it all, hoping you wouldn't run off into your room immediately.

You stayed, you even loosened up enough to eat some of the pancakes, which you glazed with cherry-jam, and made yourself a cup of tea, telling them you weren't the coffee type.

Bucky tried to not think about that. He knew you'd preferred tea, before Hydra- before he plucked you out of your life and put you into hell.

It was one of those mundane things he had noticed and wrote down, as if that would have mattered to anyone at Hydra.

But it was probably a good thing you could still enjoy it today.

„I don't want to be a nuisiance to anyone, but could someone show me where I can train later?“, you shot Steve a quick glance, „I was told there's a gym in this Building“

Steve lowered his head, not meeting your eyes.

„Of course, its on the first floor, I can show you“, Sam said, giving her his brightest smile, „Theres also the pool on that floor, y'know, if you don't want a hard workout everyday, you could also just swim a few lanes“

„Allthough, that pool is just for entertainment, so it doesn't have lanes“, Natasha said, „If you want to go over some basics, I also went through S.H.I.E.L.D training, im sure I could help you.“

„That's nice, but-“, you already wanted to decline her offer, but there was a quiet moment, where everyone could basically hear how you debated it before you said, „No, sure. Why not“, earning a delighted hum from Wanda as she smiled at Natasha from across the table“

„Well before you go off playing, children“, Tony chirped in, „We gotta go over the plan for tomorrow, Vision and Barton have been excused, so that leaves the question, if anyone else wants to rather stay here, we won't need everyone anyways, just a quick in and out, retrieve information and get on the road again“

„Well, I don't think it would be a good Idea to take Agent Solros with us, we don't know how she works in a team, and from what I heard, she likes to detach herself from orders“

Steves words weren't supposed to hurt you on purpose, he was just very cautious. But they could all see how a part of you pulled the walls back up, as you straightened out your back.

„I can take orders very well, I never ignored them or didn't follow them when it was neccessary. I am only going on my own accord when there is no one endangered by my choices“

„I just don't see how we can rely on someone, who hasn't made any effort to show regret in her actions“

„Steve“, of all people, it was Bucky to interrupt him, „This is unfair, you know that“

„Good to know I was right about not trusting you at least, even if you were so keen on being friends at first“, you snapped back at Steve, who visibly deflated at that.

„You're right, I didn't know who you really were as I wanted your trust, and I think you have every right to distrust us, but so do we“

There was another moment of silence, before he stood up, „I'll go on the mission, and if you do come, you better work with us, not against us“

And with that he left the room.

„Okay, so Cap and Barnes are planned for now, If one of you is coming, you can tell Friday and I'll adjust our ride accordingly“, Tony looked at you with sympathy, „You're doing great kid, don't worry about Capsicle, he can be a bit hard to crack, but he just wants what's best for everyone. That's what I tell myself every day“

You nodded, looking at Bucky once more.

He knew what your were thinking. That he was the reason for Steves hostility.

And you were probably right about it. Yet another thing to fix.

„So, Canada?“, you discretely started a conversation with Natasha as you stepped out of the elevator after her, „What are you guys doing there?“

„Oh, just a hint we got from Fury. Him and Tony had a lot to talk about after you arrived here. My guess is, that we are working longterm on this Devora thing you brought with you.“

Suddenly all your senses sharpened.

„You mean, the Avengers are going after Hydra?“

„Yup, most likely. I mean, we do that all the time, but this whole thing, those experiments with you and what Fury has collected in informations is a little diffirent then for example, Wanda. It's not magic or serum or whatever man-made horrors they usually pull out of their asses. From what I gathered it's aliens, and it's also not working, even though they have been experimenting on that shit for decades“

You stomach sank as she pushed another door open for you. You barely registered your surroundings.

„I have to come then“, you said, convincing yourself it was a good idea, „I know most about those experiments, I can help“

„Well, were not infiltratimg Hydra, we are searching for an informant, who is keeping himself covered. He fled to Ontario and can't contact anyone at the moment, probably hiding from the people he got his data from“

„Are you going to get him out of there?“

„Obviously, we won't just leave him there. That's why we won't go as the Avengers, just a few agents“, she looked a little mischievous as she turned around to you, stemming her hands into her hips, „Alright, questioning is over, were here to get work done“

You still tried to process what she told you, when she walked further into the room, showing you all the equipement there was.

„So- treadmills, bench press, dumbbells, punching bag“, she points at them in order, „up front are lockers for everyone, I think Tony already had yours labeled-oh yeah he did, good.“, she looked behind you at the row of lockers next to the door, „Those are all smart-TVs you can put on whatever you want, if you want. Otherwise Friday can easily conect your phone to the speakers or you just use headphones if you need some distraction during your training. It's always open, you can come at night or early in the morning, no one cares. There's a cleaning service coming in around 7am though“.

You gave everything an overall inspection, knowing you wont use half of the equipement.

You didn't have to train for any more strength, your focus was on technique and movement, always has been, since you could basically use a 'power-up' whenever you needed it.

„And not to forget, this mat-“ she pointed at ground you were standing on, „If you stand within the borders of the mat, you can use the simulation Stark put in this room, tell Friday what you need, combat, take out, stealth, whatever the scenario is, Stark probably has it. I'm pretty sure this whole complex is his playground, he has been non-stop working on what we can do in here, he loves it. Probably the only reason he still comes here, he hates us most of the time“, she snickered, as if she was kinda proud of herself for the fact she could annoy him.

„That's pretty cool- the simulation part, not Tony hating you all“, you corrected yourself quickly.

„So, what you wanna do today? Wanna be by yourself or show me what you got?“, she quirked an eyebrow at you.

„I know you were one of the better agents who worked for S.H.I.E.L.D so....please go easy on me“

She did not.

You ended up on the mat not even a minute after you started, she had you in a chokehold with her thighs as you tried to wrench yourself between the mat and her legs.

You were trembling from the force you had to use to even get your upper body off the floor.

You knew you weren't the strongest when it came to one on one combat training, you were good in dodging, exhausting your enemys and evading them. But without your powers, you felt like you were mediocre at most.

Your only chance at turning a fight around was always to deceive the one who you were fighting, but Natasha would be too smart for that.

„No way out of it now, sorry“, she huffed at you.

Surely there was. One simple thing you were good at might be enough to get the upper hand, at least once.

You stemmed your feet into the ground, lifting your lower back slightly up from the mat and tried to grab onto her legs, they were so tense you barely got a hold of them but you put your arms around her lower body, your own legs strong enough that you got enough leverage to lift her off the ground and slammed her onto the other end of the mat. But the moment she landed on her back, her feet kicked upwards into your shoulders, letting you stumble a bit. She tried again, but this time you let yourself fall back, before rolling over into a lurking position.

You fought face to face for a few more minutes, as you had gathered just enough about her movement pattern to get into your element, dodging most of her attacks. Instead of just holding out, you tried to use the small time frame after dodging her to parry, seeking out spots in her form that were vulnerable. You made it long enough to see her stagger quite a few times, but your own strength was running out steadily.

„Okay that was good“, she panted, „You are actually not as bad as I imagined.“

„Why did you think I was bad?“

„I thought you would lack discipline“, she laughed and shook her arms and legs a little to get the tension out of her muscles.

„Oh...“, you didn't expect her comment to cut so deep.

You knew that you didn't look the part of being a professional, but you had the

practice and the patience to learn, just not the proper body of a well trained agent.

Because you never needed to bulk up or get fit like all the other trainees.

And you never cut back on food, it was your fuel, the more energy you stored, the more you could do.

You were burning through calories fast as hell, once you'd start using your powers.

„Is that why you asked me to ...exercise?“, you asked her with a tense look on your face.

She might have realized the implication of her words.

„I just thought since you spend so much time imprisoned before coming here, you could use the practice, that's all“

„Huh“, you just said.

There was nothing you could add to that conversation, nothing that wouldn't make you look as self-concious as you were, and next to such a beautiful strong woman it was hard not to be.

„I mean it though, you would've had me if we kept going, I may be used to every style and technique in the book, but you learn fast, even during an ongoing fight. That's a compliment by the way“, she tried to smile, but it looked forced, like she knew what was going on in your head.

„Sure“, you didn't care to explain yourself, knowing that she was just saying that to be nice, „I'll better go and take a shower, but thank you very much for the chance to...work out again“

And as if the universe wasn't already being mean enough to you today, you stood before Steve Rogers as the elevator opened up.

„Uhm...I can-“, you pointed at the call button of the lift, trying to insinuate you'd wait.

„That's ridicilous“, he stated, like you were some idiot.

You were absolutely fed up with him, but you rather get in then wait any longer. Chances were rising that Natasha would come after you, or worse, get into the elevator with you two.

How were you so awkward around them all? Maybe not with Wanda, she had such a kind personality, that you never felt on edge in her presence. But this was just like highscool, or worse- college.

You never had to try and make an impression on any adults like this before, but all these people with their great hero personalities made you feel small.

It was quiet the whole way up, and you had been begging every second for the ride to be over, until he stepped out onto the same floor. Right, his room was next to yours.

Another awkward moment of silence as you trotted after him and watched him vanish behind his door.

The shower was refreshing and calming you down enough to forget about the horrible situation in the gym and the cold gaze of 'Captain America'.

What kind of man was he anyway, his first impression was that of a golden retriever. Eager and happy. Now he was just some stuck up dude hanging onto some principle or whatever.

Who cares, he's just an old man , the Devora thought.

You didn't need to be friends with any of them to get what you wanted.

„Friday, tell Tony I'll accompany the mission tomorrow“, you said.

„Noted, thank you“, the voice echoed through your room.

Hair still wet, you sat into the couch by the window and tugged your legs close to your body.

If everything fails, and the Avengers wouldn't be what you hoped- if they wouldn't erradicate all of project Devora from existence, then you were on your own again.

Maybe it really was best that you weren't getting along with all of them.

It would just be harder for you to leave.

Chapter Text

„She thinks I called her fat“, Natasha said.

Tony and Bucky looked up at her in shock at the sudden turn of conversation.

„W-wait why?“, Tony asked leaning forward on the armchair across from her.

„No, I didn't actually say it like that, I said she lacked discipline or something it just-“

„What the hell“, he sighed deeply, „ Not like she didn't already hate all of us, now you wanna make her your enemy“

„You don't know if she hates us“, Natasha tried to believe her own words, she really did.

But all facts considered, you would rather be fighting Hydra by yourself, then to rely on any of them for one second. That's at least how Bucky saw you.

„Always knew you were shallow“, he joked, as if that made anything actually better.

„Listen, I suck at being nice. Sometimes I just blurt these things out, but in her case it wasn't even meant like that. Really!“, she tried to reason with them.

„You better fix that soon and make it clear to her. I don't want any fighting in the backseats when we leave here“, Tony looked at his watch, „And she is officially too late, that's on you, Nat“

The assassin just rolled her eyes at him.

„I can get her“, Bucky volunteered, but in that moment the elevator doors opened.

You stood there in dark tactical wear. Holster, combat boots, gloves and everything.

„Oh“, Tony just said.

„Wanda showed me were you kept your outfits for missions, I borrowed this one for now, but I might have to get my own soon. This is definetely not my choice of wear“, you stepped up to them hands on your hips.

„I knew I forgot something“, Tony mumbled.

Bucky couldn't help but let his eyes wander over you for a second.

He couldn't really see why you would even think about Natashas comment like that.

You had a perfectly fine figure, maybe not what he was used to see from S.H.I.E.L.D agents, but since they all knew you were ... diffirent, that didn't say much.

You looked healthy and fit, nothing more.

He realized that you caught his stare and he tried to look sheepish for a moment, before he got up, „Well, since everyones here, time to head out, car is waiting“

„Car?“, you asked astonished, „We are not gonna drive the whole way to canada, right?“

„No, but we don't have enough parking space for a whole jet, Kid. We gotta get there first“, Tony took his bag and went for the exit, „Cap is waiting in the car, he's right outside so let's make haste, before he get's all high and mighty on us“

Bucky saw you tense for a second, you were trying to not look at anyone else, especially Natasha.

He tried to keep his distance from you, as always. Never really for his own sake, but to show you that he was still aware of who he was to you.

Steve wasn't very surprised to see you, he also wasn't surprised that you didn't greet him back and just sat back in the last row, away from everyone else.

You immediately started staring out of the window, ignoring everything going on besides the scenery outside the vehicle.

You had been nervous all night, barely getting any rest. So when you slowly drifted in and out of sleep throughout the ride, you could catch just enough of the conversations between the others, before anyone realized you were awake again.

„It is not for you to worry at least, so let me do my work“

„You think just because I don't wanna be best friends with the man who killed my family, I would let him just die to her hands? Do you even hear yourself, Steve? She's just a kid-“

„She is not, if you paid any attention, you'd know she hasn't aged the last decade or so, she is an adult, and she is not under our control and might never be. All I say is, don't take her on missions yet, and wait for everyone to get a sense of trust first“

„You know, I did think about that, but sadly some things are out of my hands, when it comes to fury. I am legally bound to give her the option to follow us, as long as Fury doesn't say otherwise“

„As if Furys commands where ever a hindrance for you to do your own thing.“

„Don't you think you could give her the chance, she might be diffirent then you think, Steve“, Buckys voice was a lot closer to you than the other two and you could've dozed off again, with how deep and soothing it sounded.

What a weird feeling, I thought we hated him...

You might not hate him, not Bucky. But he would always be the connection to Hydra you never wanted.

„Buck, please, you would do the exact same for me, you just feel guilty around her“

An unnerving silence fell over the conversation, until Natasha suddenly spoke up:

„This is not the right place, nor the right time for therapy, boys. We're arriving at the airport any minute, just get ready and shut up“

Nothing else was said, and you held still for a few more minutes, before the vehicle slowed down.

They didn't need more reasons to be careful around you, letting them know you heard 'em was not a good idea.

Allthough you felt as if that was already the case, as the fretful eyes of Sergeant Barnes layed upon you. And just about anytime you saw him, he made that face.

Like you were holding the line of his life in your hands. Your choice to give it free or not, and he was just waiting for your answer.

How poetic we are today

You followed the team to their jet, that already waited for them. Steve was apparently the man for everything today, because he also volunteered to fly the goddamn thing himself, excusing the pilot that S.H.I.E.L.D had sent.

You weren't sure if that was his altruistic- or his dominant, ever controlling side.

It wasn't that you couldn't understand where his worries came from in your regards, it just irritated you. The way he almost always spoke about you, as if there was no way to change his mind or for you to defend yourself. And always portraying you as unstable, a liability.

Whatever Bucky had told him about you had locked into place, and wasn't gonna move that easily.

During the flight you were given a rough instruction of the plan itself, before Natasha briefed you on your job. Keeping a close eye on everything, basically, which was an underwhelming task. You were definetely not going to argue about it on your very first mission, but you still suggested there to be better things they could use you for.

„I can track people, once I get a grip on their minds, I think I could do more than just observing the street“

„Are you not agreeing to the condiotions, Agent Solros?“, Steve asked you.

„I am agreeing, I will just add another one myself, just so you know. If there is anyone trying to interrupt your 'handover', I want permission to use my powers“

They all went pale in the face, so you quickly added, „I can change their thoughts, or replace them, whatever is needed, It won't kill them“

„Wait, it's that easy?“, Natasha asked.

„It's not easy, I have to be very careful when I enter someones mind, If I fuck up or do it to fast, they might get confused and refuse the thoughts I'm trying to plant into their brain, I have to web it in, very clear and according to what their mind looks like, and everyones head is diffirent“

„That sounds so weird“, she then says.

„So? Can I?“, you looked at Steve sitting in the cockpit, trying to initiate the landing.

„If she can handle it, I say go for it“, Tony answered instead, „Let her out of her cage, you know“

„Not funny, Stark“, Bucky said, shaking his head slowly, „She can help, let her do it on her own accord, that would be easiest“

„And also the most unsafe option“, Steve said, „You have permission to keep people away from the building we enter, as long as you won't harm any of them. And that accounts for all of your future missions as well, understood?“

„Yes, Captain“, you gave back with a slightly sarcastic undertone.

What a dick

By the time the group had arrived at the location of the informant, you were allready in position outside a nearby café, sitting at the table in a large jacket to hide your weapons. You observed the street sipping on a tea you had ordered.

The others had gone inside, Bucky positioned at the entrance of the building, standing at a bus stop like a civillian. The rest of them going upstairs to retrieve their informant.

They gave some informations through the intercome here and there, telling you and Bucky to stay put for now and that everything was clear in the apartment. That they would get the informations secured first just in case.

It didn't even take them 15 minutes until they declared the mission cleared. Information was uploaded.

„On our way down with the S.H.I.E.L.D Agent“, Natasha gave through, just as you saw something that let the blood in your veins freeze.

Two men not far from Bucky, they were fixed on him and mumbled to eachother as they approached him. Those weren't pedestrians, they were way too focused on him. They knew who he was.

And way too close to him already, not a chance he could react in time, if you gave it through now.

Your best choice was to intervene, and you had permission anyway, so no big deal, right? Better not even let it come to a fight...

The strings of your energy shot out, latching onto both their minds at once, halting them in their steps.

The distance between you and them was straining your powers, but you kept holding onto them firmly as you searched their thoughts for clues.

Of course they were from Hydra, sent to interfere with the apparently well known mission to get the Agent out of canada. They had controlled his every step since his arrival in the apartment, they knew he had the informations, but they hadn't done anything about it.

These two were just tools for Hydra, no matter how deep you searched you couldn't find any specific details on their plan, just their orders to get involved and stop the Avengers.

And they weren't alone either, the memory of their briefing involved more Hydra Agents, but you had no Idea were they were.

Before your presence in their heads would get too much, you carefully plucked some of the orders out and brought in something you could make up on the go, changing their plans from interfering into a retreat. They never saw what they remembered as 'The Winter Soldier' and no one else either.

The desire of erasing all of their thoughts and memories to leave them blank and useless was welling up in you, but you shoved it back as you finished your work.

They turned around and hurried the other direction, giving eachother a few words, but you made sure to give them the exact same experience.

„Miss, are you okay?“, you nearly fell off your chair, as the waitress waved in front of your eyes.

You felt your limbs one by one, as if you had just returned back into your body. Hands clawed into the table in front of you, and lungs screamed for air, as if you had been holding it the whole time.

„No worries, here. I just remebered I needed to be somewhere“, you put some money on the table for her, probably more then enough for your simple cup of tea.

You didn't wait for a response, just jumped out of your seat and maneuvered yourself through the other tables onto the the sidewalk.

You looked around the buildings, the street, cars, anything in sight was closely observed as you made your way towards the car that was parked a block further.

„There are some Hydra agents out for us, I got two of them, no idea where the others are“, you gave through to the others as you still surveyed your surroundings.

There was a few moments of silence and you turned around to see Bucky staring at you from over the street.

„There is a backdoor in the waste room downstairs, we need the car there, can you do that Y/N?“, Natasha suddenly answered and you confirmed.

You started running down the street, hurrying into the drivers seat of the car as fast as you could.

As you arrived at the back of the building you didn't turn the engine off and gave your postion through, waiting for further instructions.

„Bucky get back inside and follow us“, Cap said, „We need to speed this whole thing up before the remaining Agents realize what were doing“

A few moments after that they came out, a strict formation around a man you never seen before.

They got inside the car and you were about to get out of the drivers seat for Steve, as Natasha suddenly said, „No time, you have to drive, there might be someone following us already“

„Oh god...“, you mumbled.

You could drive of course, but under this much pressure was diffirent then the lessons you took as a teenager.

„You can do it, Kid. Just get us back to the jet“, Tony tried to reassure you from the co-driver's seat, following up with a, „But please step it up a notch“

Not even waiting for the last door to close, you sped off into the city. Thankfully there was a navigation system in this car, and it already told you exactly were you needed to go, you just had to get onto the highway for now, easy enough.

„There is a car following us“, the unkown agent said.

„Shit“, Bucky cursed behind you.

„Eyes on the road, Solros, we can handle it. You might have to change your route, get out of the city, we can't harm any civillians“

The navigation system followed Tonys orders as he told you were to go.

„Getting closer, three people in the Car. Armed“, Natasha said as she looked back.

The first shots flew through the air, leaving tiny cracks on the glass of the car.

Both Natasha and Bucky readied their guns, just in case.

„That ain't good“, Tony suddenly said, as you saw what he had picked up.

There was another car coming towards you, and you could see more people and more weapons ready to get you off the road.

„Next corner is a football field, it's a highschool“, you said as you looked at the Screen on the dashboard.

„No, we can't risk it, just drive“, Steve said.

No time

Your gut feeling told you to go there. Even if Cap said no, there was something telling you to do it, and it was definetely urgent.

A missile hit the front shield, cracking and splintering the whole thing into tiny pieces, just before you rounded the corner and rammed through the fence around the football field.

„Y/N“, Cap screamed, but you didn't listen to him as you stepped on the brakes, simultainiously turning the car around as far as you could.

„What are you doing, we can't stop, we have to go!“, Steve kept yelling at you. You ignored him, and everyone else who now kept telling you what to do. Everyone was talking over each other.

More bullets, Hydra had followed you onto the field, three cars trying to catch up to where you stood.

„Take over!“, you told Tony as you jumped out of the car, incase they had to flee without you.

This will be easy, just let me do it

Something was revolting against the thought, but there wasn't much time to think about it.

An overwhelming warmth engulfed your insides, burning in your veins and your eyes.

The cars were still approaching, firing at you instead, but the bullets were absorbed into your shield, turning into nothing but dust in the process.

Behind you were more screams, orders to get back inside, but you didn't listen, even when your own team opened fire.

You ran at the cars across the field, before you steadied your feet, collecting all the power you found in your body, before sending out your energy like a wave and crashing over them, demolishing the cars completely as they flew backwards, landing on the field upside down, on the side, rolling over the field, and destroying their frames.

You walked towards them, feeling around for the patterns of the Hydra agents as you ripped off the few remaining doors with your powers. There was just three of them left, the others were dead. You pulled them out while they were struggling against your hold, trying to shoot at you, but you crushed their guns in their hands with a single move of your hands, letting them crumble to the ground under the force of your energy.

„Y/N, you have no permission for this“, you heard Steve say through your earpiece, „They will get backup, get in right now!“

He sounded genuienly angry with you, but it was out of your control, there was no way to change your mind anymore. The Devora was clinging to your nervous-system, to your bones, your muscles as if it were theirs.

You forced yourself into the Hydra agents heads, looking through everything they knew, what they had seen, not giving a fuck about destroying their minds.

Nothing important, they didn't know much more then the other ones on the street earlier.

Or so you thought.

The memory of a contract. One of them was supposed to relocate to brazil. Your heart missed a beat as you read the name of the person he was going to work under.

Dr. Heyne.

That man- that monster!

A rage fell over you, your grip on the agents staggering as you tried to take control of your body again.

„Don't do it“, you begged, tears burning at the corner of your eyes, as you felt the rage creep into your fingertips, your toes, everywhere.

He is one of them!

Their life began to drift into the tips of your fingers, as you got closer to them, letting them drop to the ground now that they were too weak to hurt you.

Eyes empty, skin pale. Always the same sight, as you sucked every morsel out, while their last breath escaped them. One last sound of deadly terror.

One of them was still alive- they let him stay alive. Let him crawl away from you in fear, but you picked him up by the neck. Anticipation rolling over you as your own fear was pushed back.

„No- no, please“, you whispered, hoping the Devora would listen, but they wouldn't. The never did.

You knew it was coming, but the noise still echoed in your ears as if it was all there was.

His neck snapped, turned at an unnatural angle, skin twisted.

You whimpered as you let him fall from your hand.

„You're always so angry!“, you whispered as you looked at the lifeless bodies to your feet, another memory climbing up the longer you stared at them.

Another time, another person. But still the same twisted neck.

So many. All Hydra.

I promised to let them pay

„Not like this...“

The tension in your limbs retreated, the burning stopped, turning into exhaustion instantly, as you let the energy of their life run out, giving it back to the world, into the atmosphere before it would overwhelm you.

You barely registered what had happened, when someone grabbed you from behind, twisting your arms onto your back, before speaking. It was Steve.

„Knew you couldn't be trusted“

Chapter Text

You fucked up. Massively fucked up.

You knew that even before Steve put the handcuffs on you. The whole way back to the complex they kept talking about what they should do with you, things nearly escalated when Steve tried to get you out of the contract immediately.

You couldn't blame him, what you did was horrifying, even if those were Hydras agents, you felt vile, disgusting, filthy.

Like a murderer.

Everytime it happened, when you let that thing take you over, there was nothing going to stop it from getting what it wanted, and nearly everytime people had to die, no matter how much you hated it, begged them to stop.

Hydra has to pay

That sentence was playing on repeat, the whole way back and then the whole time you spent in the conference room, not speaking, not even looking at the person guarding you, even though you heard him talk to you from time to time.

Bucky didn't handle you like the monster you felt like, he told you things were going to be fine, and that they would probably just put you in time out for a while.

But you felt numb. All the times you saw someone die by your hands weren't making it easier, every death just added more weight on your fragile soul.

But that thing inside of you had no regards to your needs or feelings when it came to Hydra.

You had wanted to protect your team, they wanted revenge.

As the door opened, you didn't bother to look up, eyes staying fixed on your thighs.

Until a familiar voice told Bucky to step out.

He reluctantly complied looking back at you once before glaring at Fury, whose jaw was ticking with every step he took further into the room.

This wasn't gonna go well.

„On your Very. First. Mission! You managed to mess everything up. Do you have any idea, how that makes me look? How that makes the Avengers look? You didn't just ignore their orders, all of them-“, you wanted to deny that but he gave you a sharp look as you opened your mouth, „There is nothing I can tell you, that I wouldn't regret later, but this was the bottom line for you. I took the fall for you, done everything to keep you in a position where you could chase that stupid wish of yours, and you just spit on every chance you get!“

He was getting louder with every word, genuinely upset.

„I had no choice...“

„YOU THINK THEY CARE?“, he yelled at you, „The Avengers? The people at S.H.I.E.L.D who have been critically watching every move you make, to get to your goal? THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED! THIS MISSION IS WHAT YOU NEEDED AND THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT THAT CHANCE!“

„So you think this mission- this project is none of your business then? That S.H.I.E.L.D doesn't have any responsibility for it?“

„That is definetely not the case, and we have been doing everything-“

„You have done NOTHING but create more problems for me, ever since I joined S.H.I.E.L.D I've been held back, you keep holding me back from what I need to do, for no reason!“, you gritted your teeth at those words, that had been burning your tongue ever since Fury had locked you up the first time.

„You actually believe that there are no reasons for us holding you accountable? Do you even realize what you have done? How many people you have killed? How many Hydra agents have been hunting you down for what you're doing? What that means for S.H.I.E.L.D?“, he asked you much more quiet, „This is your last chance, I'm pretty sure I've told you that, and if you keep up with your sense of justice-act, then there won't be anything left that I can protect you with, my hands are tied now with your new contract. It's over, if the Avengers give up on you...“

You weren't sure what he was implying, what it meant for you, but it sounded like he was scared of it.

„Learn to take orders, or you will not be able to finish what you started.“, with that he turned around and left the room, not even bothering to hear you out.

But you were sure you had nothing to say anyway. Nothing that could make an impact or change the outcome of this mission.

The handcuffs felt heavier then before, something in your chest hurt, deeply.

If he was right, and you were playing with your freedom now, then there was no way to keep going. Using your powers meant losing control, and then there was nothing stoping that thing from going rampage.

What could you possibly change then? Would you ever do the right thing?

What else was your purpose in this world, if not stopping Hydra...

What else was left...

Still nothing left to live for...

Nothing will ever change for you.

Will n othing ever be worth it?

As your vision started blurring you had already accepted your fate, something about this felt so hopeless that you could barely breath, you hadn't even heard the others enter the room, as the first tears fell from your eyes, forming little wet patches on your pants.

„Get those off her“, someone said as the first sob wrecked you.

„But-“

„Just do it, no more arguing, Rogers, let her process and calm down before you try to fight her“, it was Tony, on your side as always, even if you didn't deserve it.

„It's late, let her go and we talk in the morning“

„I'll go with her. To her room I mean“, Bucky. He was nervous, you weren't sure about what, but you had no capacity to think about it.

The sobbing got more intense, your eyes swimming with tears, the tightness in your chest unbearable.

Nothing else was said, you only felt the weight of the handcuffs leave your wrist. You clasped your arms around yourself tightly on instinct, as if to protect you from whatever made you feel so miserable. Or maybe to hold yourself together before you would fall apart completely.

„Don't worry“, his arms reached around you, gently, as he lifted you up, „You're safe“

It was as if he knew those were the words you needed, as if all you wanted was to be okay for once... be safe.

Your body was stiff, shaking like a leaf in the wind as he pressed you thightly against his chest. You just tried to keep breathing between the sobs. You could smell him, under the smoke and the stench of metal of his gear, ther was something diffirent- softer.

Like cotton and pine. For some reason it calmed you enough to keep down the horrible cries that were rising in your chest.

It will pass. We have always made it out

You closed your eyes, trying to inhale the scent like you wanted it to stay with you forever.

He moved carefully but as fast as he could, to get to your room.

You registered how he layed you down on the bed, your body immediately curling into itself, as if he took that sense of safety you felt in his arms with him.

You just cried silently into the fabric beneath you, not moving once, before you finally fell asleep. Mind so clouded and tired from all the emotions you felt, not even realizing that you never heard him leave.

It was noon, the sun was still pretty high, shining down onto the pond you stood in. Your feet were cold in the water, pants bunched up to your knees to keep them dry.

You were holding something, it wiggled and bumped into the palms of your hands which you had closed around it.

It was a frog.

As you tried to peek at it, it slipped right out, skin shiny and slippery.

„Oh look, there is another one!“, a voice called out to you, and for a moment your eyes drifted towards them.

A woman with a large sunhat sat on a blanket infront of the pond, smiling at you so wide and bright it warmed your heart.

„I don't think they like me catching them, Mom!“, you heard yourself say.

„Well, who in the world would like to be handled like that“, another woman laughed, she stood at the edge of the water, her pants were also bunched up as far as they would go. She held her hand up against the sun to look at you, „Come honey, we wanna cut the pie, didn't you want to try it first?“

Your face lit up, you could feel the smile tug at your lips as you wated through the water over to her.

„I made it, I should get the first piece“, you said with pride.

„Exactly, you grew those strawberries all by yourself, it's just fair, right momma?“

The other woman laughed at you both as you came running, you saw her eyes so clearly, they looked at you with so much love. Such warmth.

„Next year, we'll have so much more flavors to choose, I wanna plant a cherry tree and and raspberries, oh and potatos-“, you rambled excitedly as one of the women held a plate with a thick piece of pie out for you.

„I'm sure we will never have to worry about grocery-shopping ever again, if you really mean it“

„Let's see, what else could we plant then?“, one of them asked you, tapping a finger on her chin in deep thought.

„Maybe we can make a little patch just with pretty flowers, mom. Especially sunflowers, those are your favorite right?“

She smiled at you softly, as if your words remind her just how precious you were to her, „Yes, honey. I really love those...“

You startled awake to the sound of someone knocking on a door. You were completely lost, not knowing where you were for a few seconds as you opened your eyes. But when you wanted to get up, you heard a sigh, a man.

Footsteps. He opened the door.

„What's up?“, he asked.

„I just wanted to know if everthings alright here, are you okay?“

„I'm fine yea, she fell asleep earlier“

„Then why don't you get some sleep too?“

Silence.

One, two, three heartbeats passed before he answered.

„I can't leave her alone like this.“

„It's not your fault, she was just....“

„Doesn't matter, why. I will stay, just in case she needs someone. I don't want her to wake up alone after all that shit today“

„Buck, please...stop this whole savior-complex going on with you, she is not your responsibility“

„Well I think she is, you know she would never be here if not for me. If there is anything I can do to help her, I will, you know what that's like...“

More silence.

„You should still get some sleep“

„So should you, Steve. Good night“, the door was closed softly, footsteps again and the creaking of leather, as he sat on your sofa.

You were a little scared to move, not knowing what to say, or how to face him right now. Were embarrassed, that he had seen you break down in front of him and had to carry you here because you were incapable of holding yourself together.

„I know you're awake“

Your breath hitched, as you slowly turned around on the bed to face him.

He sat there, staring at you, illuminated by the moon and the city lights shining through your windows.

„You snore, I knew you were awake as soon as you stopped“

You carefully studied his posture, he was calm and sitting casually, not on alert.

„Why are you here?“

„Pretty sure you just heard that, and before you say anything- I don't plan on leaving you alone here. You're not well.“

That was a statement, but he leaned forward a bit, as if he awaited your answer for a question he just asked.

„I'm not. But that is not your concern“, you didn't even think about what you were saying at first, it was such a natural reaction to guard yourself from people that saw you be vulnerable.

„We don't have to do this whole 'I don't need anyone else' thing, I know what that's like. Thinking you can take care of yourself through everything as if one wrong word or move would let the dam break, and everyone could see the chaos inside of you.“

He looked you straight in the eyes, searching for a reaction.

You weren't sure what to say to that. You felt empty, were drained from the little breakdown after your talk with Fury, the reality was starting to really settle in now.

Wincing from your stiff joints, you sat up against the headboard.

„It's not that I don't want anyone to see, how I really am. Maybe...“, you thought about it for a second, „At least not because I think I can handle it myself, because most of the time I can't. But showing myself ...I will look weak...pathetic even, because there is so much I always pushed back, it's too much“

„I don't think someone who is opening up such a fragile part of themselves is weak, that needs strength. Most people never really open up, all their life they hide away behind pride and hostility, because it's much easier to keep people away then to let them in“

„And why should I be the same?“, you asked quietly.

„Because you've been hurt before, your trust was broken, you had to question yourself and humanity countless times and had to come to terms with what you knew. That people were cruel. That they would take so much of you, that there was nothing left to even protect. So the only way to never experience something like that again, you rather never open up. Never hope, never wish for much. Just keep holding on to the tings that you can control“

Your first thought was to tell him to go fuck himself, but something about his words had left a cut on those high walls you kept up around yourself. You didn't want to think about it, but he was right.

And of course he was right, he knew what it was like, knew how Hydra could break people.

Of course he was right...

It stung. The thoughts and memories of what was once your life, and what you had left down in that lab. What Hydra had taken.

And he knew so well.

Because they had taken even more from him. They had hollowed him out and put something else inside, that would gradually destroy him the longer they kept him alive.

„You had to suffer so much more then me, and you still sit here, to comfort me“

He frowned, „There is no way to compare one persons suffering to that of another. What happened to me and what happened to you... losing your Identity, your life, everything you knew, that is what we have in common. The torture, the pain, the dehumanization.“

„Please don't.“, you whispered trying to keep the memories deep down where they belong, „I can't-“

„You try to run from it, but that won't last forever. There will be a point in your life when you reach your goal, and realize that whatever you keep running from will always stay with you, no matter what. You can only delay it. Never get rid of it“

„It just has to stay where I can't see it, until I'm done with everything“

You only understood what you were saying, when it was already to late.

„If you can't confront yourself now, what makes you think you will do it then?“, he asked.

„We will figure it out...I guess“

As if you plan on living that long

„We? As in, you and that..thing?“

„Yes, who else would I mean?“

„You're talking about it like it's a person“, he furrowed his brows.

More than that

„The last decade that I spent with this thing inside me...I don't think I could ever feel normal again. And I can't get rid of it, not that I even want that, but we both...we can't keep going like this forever“

He looked irritated, „Couldn't you both find a way to make it work?“

„It's feelings are intense. If I give it to much freedom It will loose control, it takes over and just acts on instincts, no matter the consequence.“

„Does that mean, you don't actually control your powers?“, he seemed shocked by your words.

„I do usually. But if it wants to protect me, there is no self regulation, because it's...it's not human, it can only control mine, not it's own feelings.“

He nodded, trying to follow what you were saying, but he was still confused.

„But if there was a way to let you both live in unison without trouble, without the loss of control...would you reconsider to stay?“

Your mouth went dry.

„What do you mean?“

„You can't see yourself living in such a future, with no purpose, with nothing to hold onto. I've had my fair share of identity crisis', I know what your plan is.“

„This is getting a little specific, don't you think?“, you hissed.

It cut you. Again.

Deep enough that you questoined if you actually never ment to live that long, or if you just tried to push it through, as long as possible.

„After Steve found me back in romania, things changed. I found a new purpose...being alive stopped feeling like a crime. The winter solider slowly belonged to the past and I had to work on myself a lot for it all, but it was the right choice to stay...“

You just looked at eachother, no one really trying to break the moment yet, in which you realized that he had laid such a sensitive part open for you to see.

And it wasn't easy, from what you could tell, with the way he'd started fidgeting with his fingers and clenched his teeth.

Yet you couldn't do the same, even if you'd want to, you were too scared of being vulnerable.

„Why would you worry about me ending my life?“

That was such a harsh question, you had to recollect your senses for a second.

„Because you deserve to be someone again. Like me, I am allowed to live and be a person, even after all those years...“

„You just feel guilty.“, you knew it was true, the moment he averted his eyes.

„There is more of the real you left then you think, Y/N“

He was talking to you like you knew eachother much longer then just the few days you were in the complex. Like he saw someone that you couldn't.

„You don't have to promise me anything, all I'm asking is for you to think about it. We have all the resources to care for you, to heal you. It doesn't have to be like this, you don't have to keep shutting everyone out when it gets too much“

„I always thought someone like me deserves to stay alone.“

You weren't sure why you were even keeping this conversation going. There was really no reason to tell him any of this.

Him, Bucky.

A man who was once just as- if not more broken than you. A man who had been trying to take your life.

And he was sitting there saying he wanted you to live.

How fucking ironic.

„I thought you would never really be alone with your, uhm...I just don't know what to call that thing“, he said looking at you a little sheepish.

„ I just call it Devora. That's what Hydra named them at least. I thought of some other names, but they never liked those. The concept of names is not interesting enough, I fear.“, you said, feeling them agreeing with you.

There is no name or word that could ever encapture me

„Well...that's a shame“

„It is...I would like to call them by something really cute. I could never take it serious anymore“

He actually laughed a little. It eased your nerves a little to see him delighted.

„Does it actually feel it's own emotions?“, he sounded quiete intriegued by the things you had to say about the Devora.

„Yes. Sometimes I have to deal with two diffirent emotions at once“

„I barely wanna feel my own. Sounds exhausting“, he tried joking, but he seemed uncomfortable right after.

It didn't feel as wrong to talk to him as you would've imagined. You would've gladly never exchanged a word with him for the rest of your life, if it meant you could escape your past any longer, but he was nothing like you thought he'd be.

He never went back to being the person before Hydra, but he found himself- had grown from all he had to endure, as sad as that was.

„Thank you. For staying....

„It's the least I can do“, it sounded like it wasn't all he wanted to tell you, but nothing else was said.

You stretched your legs out a little, changing up your position in the bed to sit more comfortable.

„I think I should leave for now“, he said.

„Sure, you must be tired“, you mumbled as he stood up.

„It's not that- just...nevermind“, he was really tense all of a sudden.

„You don't have to explain if you want to leave“

„For now, but not because I want to leave, I just....“, he was trying so hard to find the right words, „You should get some more rest“

„Okay“, you just said, looking after him as he went towards the door.

You felt robbed of an opportunity to really let go for once, even though you didn't want to at first.

Maybe you did mind that he left, maybe you didn't want to be alone after all that was said.

But there was no way for you to tell him that.

Because you shouldn't actually feel like this. This sense of ...something. Towards him.

You didn't dare to speak up again, as he opened the door and said good night.

You might've asked him to stay.

As he rushed out of your room, the only thing he could hear was the rapid heartbeat in his ears.

He couldn't make it back to his room fast enough.

What was he thinking? What was his problem anyway? As if someone like him had the right to tell you what to do with your life. It was just a pathetic act of self-preservation. To make himself feel better...

Stupid. A clown.

That's what he was.

A man scared of his own feelings, so he would rather invest in someone elses, instead of holding himself accountable.

You had been here for a little less then two weeks, trying to slowly integrate into their lives, and then you fuck up. Of course you would, why did they even think you could already stand by when it came to such a sensitive part of your past, when there was Hydra involved.

You hadn't been stable yet, and they shoul've kept you safe rather then send you out into a mission.

The sheer amount of self-hatred he had seen in you...so much of himself.

He knew it now, there was still so much of Hydras scars left on your soul, you were bound to break when confronted with them.

And he was definetely the easiest conection to your past.

He was still guilty, if not for killing you, now he was for thinking he could've helped- that he could've been someone you could rely on.

Just because he knew exactly how you felt. You shared his pain. A part of it.

„What in the actual fuck...“, he said out loud into the darkness, leaning back against the closed door of his room.

He wasn't meant to feel good in your presence, not after all he had done. Wasn't supposed to be glad he got to meet someone who understood his inner turmoil.

It had never felt so wrong to be comforted.

Because it was not for what you said, but for the fact you and him were exactly the same.

Afraid of being too much and never enough.

Lost in a world that treated you wrong.

It was such a selfish thought.

He wanted to fix this- fix you. So he could tell himself he made it right.

To overcome what was weighing so heavy on him whenever he saw you.

And he couldn't help but wish it would work...just to see that tiny bit of joy again. A part of him really wanted that. Maybe that was even worse.

This time they actually locked you up. Not in a cell, of course, just your room.

You could get out anytime, if you wanted to, but after all that happened, you were finally too afraid of doing the wrong thing again.

Maybe the part of your brain that should prevent you from self-destructing finally kicked in.

Barely.

Tony had visited you the morning after. He came in, talked to you, and showed you the debrief of the mission and what he had to write about your condition to S.H.I.E.L.D.

It wasn't nice to read how much you had gone off the rails, how they had percieved you.

But instead of feeling shame, you wanted to prove that you could change.

And he believed you, or wanted to believe you.

He told you that Steve had been sent out for a while, doing work elsewhere, because he was too upset about you just getting a way out of what you had done.

You still couldn't really blame him for thinking so badly of you, especially after everything he had witnessed in canada.

„The others can still visit you, but I want you to stay put for now. Calm down and think about how you want to go on. S.H.I.E.L.D has decided that you will stay here, it wasn't your last chance. But I really don't know if you might cost the Avengers their last chances if you don't get it together, kid. We already have trouble with our reputation from time to time, and spilling blood on a random football field of a junior high is really not what people want to see us doing.“

You understood what he wanted.

It wasn't punishment, but you should reflect on what you had done.

And of course you should. After they let you get away with it so mildly.

„Don't worry too much about those people, it was Hydra after all, they might've died anyway. But ignoring all the orders we gave you? That is the part that we can't forget, sadly“

„I know you're disapointed.“

„Not in you, more in myself for thinking you must be ready for it, or maybe in Fury for pushing me to let you off the leash“

„He did?“, you asked.

„More or less, just sending passive aggressive emails basically. Anyway, you can go on with your day now, just stay out of trouble for a while.“

„Can I go to the kitchen?“, you looked at the door hopefully.

You stomach was screaming for nutrition after a whole night of waiting.

„Oh of course, I organized some high protein stuff you can eat, lots of tasty things.“

„That is...so smart. And thoughtful“,you mumbled.

You could hardly believe that they were still so nice to you.

„Yea, I got told you restore your energy that way. Just last morning Barnes told me a little bit about your powers when we were waiting for you“, Tony nodded as he got off the couch.

Where Bucky had been sitting last night.

Bucky had told him about you.

„Why?“

„I think he wants to make sure you're treated right. That man definetely has more respect for you then for himself sometimes“, he huffed as he thought about it, „What a weird guy“

You just hummed at that. Not sure what to think about it anyway.

All the things Bucky had told you, had been keeping you up the rest of the night and he was still haunting you in this conversation, as much as you wanted to suppress what you were feeling. It seemed like there was just no way to escape him.

„Get some food, the others should be done by now, and if not, you can just take it to your room. Only this once! We don't want anyone getting ideas. I can already see all the dishes that will go missing if everyone does that“

You smiled at him as he looked back at you from the door and he was clearly a little taken back by that.

„Thank you, Tony“

You were going to prove it.

Prove to them you'd be getting better, you just had to start.

Find your first few steps in this new life.

Them giving you another chance was not to be taken for granted.

Chapter Text

Most days you spent by yourself from then on, training your mind and talking to the Devora. Just like old times, when it was just you and them, lost together in a world without a place for you.

You were trying some of the programs that Tony sent you, he even offered you to go through a simulation, that could help you overcome your fears of the past.

And you were talking to Wanda, when she came by. She was the only one you saw when eating, because she would always stay and wait for you after everyone else left.

You let her take another look into your mind and were glad that she didn't say much about it.

There was just a strong understanding between you both after it. And she might've been right about being able to help with all the things you capsuled off. Even if you still kept a big part of you hidden from her, the ever so gentle hand in your mind putting a veil over those memories when she entered into your head. The things that would still haunt you at night, but you never remembered them for long, until the Devora pushed them back, after you had calmed down enough.

„You don't need to keep anything from me, I have seen so much bad in people and so much hurt, I won't judge you, I promise“

But she didn't pressure you, which you were really greatful for.

You started training with her, new ways to hold your powers on a steady level, how you could use them effectively without draining yourself and how to hold control over them. Even when she unleashed your past on you, flooding your mind with emotions and pictures you had tried to forget.

She was the safest option for this, because with her own powers she could really hold your mind together, pulling and pushing on parts of you that were needed to keep a steady level of control.

And the best of it all was that she put a barrier between you and the other being in you. You had never felt a day without their emotions in such a long time, but she seperated them for you, letting you take a fresh breath of air after so long, even if it was weird at first.

Tony had asked you to write about it, for yourself but also for Fury. He gave you a small journal labeled 'Alien Diary', which was hilarious. At least to you.

He is a real jokester , the Devora's displeasure was probably the best part of it.

After two more weeks you felt a lot better. Could sense the improvement already, your first steps were definetely done.

You knew it was going to be a long way still, but you couldn't help but be proud of yourself.

For the first time in so long.

When Steve finally returned from his forced work trip, he decided to knock on your door, of all the things he could have done.

And as you stood before him- clearly not the mess he saw of you last, you made a deal out of being as calm and collected as possible, as he rambled a most likely pre-written apology that someone else must've given him. He was stumbling over his words the whole time.

He really didn't want to talk to you, and again, You didn't hold it against him, just told him you were really greatful for his patience with you. Which gave you a big moment of satisfaction, as he stood there, not knowing how to act.

He probably expected you to lash out at him. But you wanted him to see you had changed.

Since he was going to be the hardest nut to crack, when you wanted to prove your capability.

Day to day, you kept going over your training, your treatments and plans. Day to day you tried to convince yourself you were ready to face the others again.

But you were a lot more nervous to see them, now that you cared so much more what they would think of you.

Vision came by one evening. He didn't want to come in, he just looked at you for a bit and said: „Wanda was right, I can feel how you have improved. I was so excited to hear that, I'm sorry if my coming is not wanted. She keeps talking about you, and I couldn't wait any longer“, he gave you a smile, that didn't quiet feel as emotional as someone would expect, but it was definetely strong for him.

And even if you didn't talk long, just a few words of affirmation and examples of your newfound peace, he was exactly what you had needed to get over your nervousness.

He probably knew that. Because he was also in the kitchen the next morning as you stood in the open space between the hallway and table, letting the others decide if they wanted you there or not.

A silent moment of a few glances and hushed voices, before Wanda came to take your arm- as always, leading you right were you should be.

You had expected them to be a little more hostile towards you, but there was just some teasing here and there.

And of course, any chance there was, you would stare at Bucky, before he caught you. He looked just as nervous as you felt, but he tried to smile through it anyways. Which looked out of place mostly.

But it comforted you, that he did infact mean it, when he said he wanted you to feel alive again.

You were glad those weren't just empty words, he was geniuenely trying to show you how good it was that you've come so far.

And strangely that was the best part about coming out of your room yet.

„You draw?“, a voice startled you, nearly making you jump out of the amrchair you sat in.

„Sorry, didn't mean to scare you, just came by to grab somethin' to drink“, Sam said, as he saw your wide eyes and held up the bottle of water in his hand for proof.

The little lounge in front of the kitchen was a good change to constantly staying in your bedroom, and you had repeatedly come here to do whatever you felt was a nice little activity to keep yourself focused. Things that were relaxing, things that could keep your mind from spiraling.

„Nah, it's not really- I mean I am drawing, but not as a hobby...I think“, you said while your pencil drummed on the journal Tony gave you.

„Can I see?“

„Absolutely not“, the mere thought of someone seeing what were drawing...you'd rather set the book on fire, „Not to be rude, but I do this for therapeutic reasons“

„Aww, that's too bad. But sounds like a good way to cope, I heard they do stuff like this in rehab as well, must be working“, he said, not taking your rejection all too serious, „You mind if I keep you company for a moment?“

„Not at all, this isn't my personal living room, you know?“

„It's not even our official living room anyway, that one's on the 5^th, where my room is“, he said as plopped onto the sofa on the opposite side of you, „You seem to feel a lot better around us, those weeks really helped you“

You nodded, unsure if you should even tell him about anything you've done so far, if you were ready to share it with yet another person. Maybe he wasn't even interested and you could just not say anything. On the other hand you really wanted to try and be more open towards them, since they were the ones that held out their heads for you.

„You read too?“, he asked as you kept going back and forth about what you should or shouldn't tell him.

„Oh, uh. Not that much, never really got into it, I guess“.

„We got a little library upstairs, Wanda and Vision requested a reading nook, or whatever they said, I don't remember. You should check it out“, he said.

„Sounds nice, I'll think about it“, you smiled at him.

Even if your smile still wasn't really reaching your eyes, you felt so much more confident with doing it from time to time.

It wasn't as useless to give people a good feeling, if it meant you helped improve the overall mood of the group and how they adapted to you.

Sam was friendly to you from the beginning, someone who could lift the spirits with his presence alone. And he was fine with you not being as energetic as him most of the time, he could entertain a conversation by himself, if needed. You had seen it with Bucky, how they sometimes sat together, Sam talking non stop or just rambling about something, while Bucky just gave him a few nods and affirmations here and there, when he didn't feel like talking too much.

„Ah, right, I was talkin' to steve yesterday. I know you both are still not on on good terms, but he asked how you were doing. I told him to ask you himself, of course, but also, I didn't really think about if you even want that...so be prepared for it, I guess“

You groaned into yourself, not trying to show Sam just how badly you wanted to avoid talking to Steve Rogers.

For now, all he could do for you, was helping your anger rise. As stable as you were, some people just have a talent for bringing out the worst in you, and Steve was one of them.

He was so stubborn when it came to you, or maybe he was just proud. Because ever since you started eating with them regularily or used any of the community areas, he kept glaring at you when he saw you, sometimes mumbling a 'hello' or 'good morning', but he was steadily going back towards pissing you off again.

No matter what you did, how friendly you were or how decent, nothing made him get off his high horse.

„He better not“, you said, trying to compose yourself.

Sam laughed, „Damn, Girl you have to let that man come to terms with you at some point, he really isn't that much of a prick when he starts trusting you“

„That's not gonna happen. Remember his best friend? Who I tried to choke out in front of him? Yea he won't let that go, nope“

„Give him some time“

„It's been weeks. Hell, two months even if were being generous. How long can he be mad at me for my, by the way absolutely reasonable reaction?“, you huffed, the topic really making you want to rip your hair out already.

„Not to forgive you. He knows the way he acted wasn't fair, by now at least. Probably thanks to Maria, she really beat him to a veeerry serious conversation when he was stationed in the Nevada military camp two weeks ago. He said he was getting called out left and right, while he just tried to do his work, but we know how she can be. That woman is strong in her opinions“

„Maria Hill?“, you've met her before, she had never been your biggest fan, but you remember her being fair towards you, no matter what you did, she listened to you before judging at least.

„Jup, Fury sent her to remind him that he is just as much of a subordinate as everyone else here, to S.H.I.E.L.D at least. And I can tell you, it worked wonders. Never seen him so humble“, he laughed again.

„I can't really see that, sorry“

„You will, trust me.“, he wiggled his eyebrows at you, „Next time you see him and you're not ready for a big heroic talk, you better run, girl“

„Definetely“, you sighed and rolled your neck out.

That man was not going to let go of what you did, not when Bucky was such an important person for him.

Sam stayed with you a while before he went off to the Gym, he just watched you draw, talking a bit about what he'd do when summer was finally over, since he was going to take some time off for his family, his sister particularly. You listened to him, and just like Bucky, you didn't have to say much for him to keep the conversation rolling.

Which was really refreshing from always having to talk so much about yourself when Wanda came over. He was easy to like. And even easier to talk to.

But as soon as he was gone, you felt a type of loneliness creep into you.

Not being with people too often meant your social drive was also lower, but since you've started spending time with others routinely, it was harder to ignore.

Tony had told you how uncomfortable it was to heal,. But in the long run you would feel so much better.

And you really wanted to believe that.

The hardest thing about your journey was the part where you had to trust again. Which was an actual problem, really. You always had your doubts, no matter what Wanda or Vision or Tony did, you were never convinced to entrust them to a 100%.

Getting there would take more then healing, it would take actual convincing. If it were through their actions or yours, it would be much harder to get over those issues then smiling and being nice to people. Which you were already getting pretty good at, in your own opinion.

Would there actually be a time, where you would trust them with your life? With your mission?

You sat there for the whole day, only Vision and Tony had come by and said Hi after Sam had left, none of them saw what you were drawing...

Would be way too odd to explain anyway.

Your mind kept you occupied with a song for hours, even while drawing and concentrating, The Devora had fun playing the same tune over and over in your head. A song you had picked up somewhere once.

Which you didn't appreciate, but it was better then your hands loosing control and drawing over your hard work, so you didn't say anything.

Some time in the evening everyone got themselves a quick dinner in the kitchen, usually not eaten together, but there were always a few groups that sat together for a while.

Not really hungry, you just watched them or listened to them talk, never leaving your chair.

No one bothered you, as you kept drawing. And you weren't really paying any mind to the noises from the kitchen, that was until you heard your name being whispered between them.

You glanced at the table. Clint and Steve were looking at you for a moment, before averting their eyes, as you met them with a suspicious glare. Pepper was with them and prepared salad on the island counter in two bowls, probably for her and Tony.

She looked classy and beautiful as always. You didn't remeber meeting a women before, that had such a stunning appearance, and you weren't talking about just being pretty. Pepper was someone that could really catch peoples eyes easily from her charisma alone. Which was one of the reasons you had yet talked to her by yourself, too intimidated to initiate a conversation.

She was leaving the boys a small plate of her greens, saying 'A turkey sandwich is barely a dinner', which Clint laughed at, saying the same about her salad, as she made her way to the elevator.

Tony might be working, he usually had stuff to do even when he stayed in the complex. But he tried to ge into this actual workshop when he had the chance, which wasn't anywhere close to this place, so he was juggling his work all the time. Without Pepper helping him, he would barely get shit done, you were sure of it.

Clint and Steve ate the small portion of salad anyways and kept their conversation going for a while longer, only when it got quiet you looked at them again, seeing Clint walking towards the elevator as well. But Steve still sat there, fingers intertwined on the table as he looked at you with a strained face.

Time for the big speech

Oh fuck no.

He stayed behind to do what Sam had warned you about.

Your back straightened out a bit as you realized what was gonna happen, and you were already planning to bolt for your room, when he seemed to catch the panic in your face and got up, walking over to you. Maybe it was too late.

You also got up, as fast as you could and tried to gather your stuff in the motion, but you let your pencils clatter to the ground, making you reach for them in a flurry, sending your phone and journal to the floor aswell.

Great, of course this had to happen.

You cursed, contemplating if you should just leave everything there and run for it, acting like you had to pee or something. But he would probably just wait for you here.

In the time it took for you to gather your options, he already stood before you, staring down at the mess on the floor.

„Everything alright?“, he asked as he gathered some of the things that you had dropped.

You didn't answer right away, suddenly aware that he was holding the journal in his hands, open and right on the side you had drawn in the last hours.

And before he handed you everything, you could definetely see his eyes scan the drawings in it, blinking at it, as if he was confused about what he saw, „You...draw?“

„No“, you said. Which was the stupidest thing that could have come out of your mouth in this moment really.

Absolutely perfect. This was the worst situation you could've found yourself in tonight.

„I mean, just for ...therapy purposes“, you corrected yourself.

„Oh“, he just said , giving the drawing another look as he handed it back to you.

You just shut the journal in defeat. He knew what he saw, and even if he didn't say anything, he must be thinking his part, „It's nice. Uhm, can I talk to you for a moment, Y/N?“

He said your name with some hesitation, like he tested if it was alright for him to call you by it.

You wanted to say no, you really thought about it, but you had come so far now in standing up for yourself and against your fears, he was just another guy. Just a man, which was not great in itself,

but he had no power over you- at all.

If you did this, if you made it through a whole conversation with him, you'd outdo yourself once and for all.

So you said, „Sure“, and sat back down, clutching the journal in your hands.

He sat himself in the chair besides yours, fidgeting with the fabric of his pants a little.

Was he nervous?

„I've had some time to think about you now, which sounds weird, but I would like to tell you about it, If thats okay. It's fine if not-“, he stuttered.

You nodded at him, weirdly curious what had him so nervous.

„I might have judged you too fast and too early. And I didn't think about it once in all the time you were here, if I was in the wrong or not, because you were a person that nearly hurt one of my closest friends. You were just a victim of your circumstances, and considering your past, what you had to endure and what...Bucky did to you, you were reacting much more calm then to be expected. Which I didn't see, and thats on me. I was too busy making you look like an enemy instead. And it's absurd. Seeing how you behave with everyone else, how they feel around you and try to help you makes me just feel like a piece of shit. I know you don't have to just get over what I did and said towards you, but I have to own it and atleast let you know I realized my stupidity.“

His words surprised you.

Even after Sam told you he was humbled, you never expected him to say it so directly.

You squinted your eyes at him, „Are you...you mean that? Or did someone make you say this for the sake of the team?“

„No! I mean it“, he sounded offended that you didn't believe him at first, „I should've come to terms with it much sooner, but now that I know about your-“, he looked at you, rethinking his wording for a moment, „Since I know you had suffered so much just to be put into this place as if your were a problem and be treated like one by me. It isn't fair, and I wanna be better than that.“

Your felt your heart sink to your stomach.

What had he heard, what did Maria tell him, that he changed his mind about you so suddenly?

„You must've been scared of him...all this time I blamed you for disrupting Buckys Life, but you were the one that was put here against your will. Seeing him again after everything had to be awful“

„Awful is an understatement“, you scoffed.

He looked like a kicked dog, shoulders slumped and brows scrunched like it pained him to admit how wrong he had been, „And this“, he pointed at your journal, „Just shows me how much you have to be able to take, to keep going, to even talk to him, it's- I can't imagine what it's like, and Bucky did this once already. He confronted someone who the winter soldier had wronged. And for some reason I never thought about the similarities. Back then I supported him and helped him come clear with the person- with Tony. Stood back and let them get to an agreement. I wasn't mad at Tony, not once, because I understood what the Winter Soldier had done, but with you...I didn't make the full connection.“

You were glad you were sitting down, because all of what he told you really had your head spinning all of a sudden.

He saw the drawing and immediately knew. Because Maria, or maybe Bucky, had told him what you had gone through.

All the eyes you had drawn were the ones that had kept you up for nights.

Seeing them in your memory and on paper next to the ones of the Bucky he was now, were like night and day. He wasn't the same man anymore, not in the slightest.

But after what Steve had told you right now, how he thought you were drawing his eyes because you were still so scared of him, made you aware of how wrong he was.

Even if Bucky was once Hydra's Soldier, the person he was today had nothing to do with that. Seeing those eyes next to eachother was a reminder, a reason for you to keep going.

Because if someone like him, who had seen all the worst of what humans were capable of, could recover from it, be a new person, then there was a good chance you might as well.

And admitting that in front of Steve was not possible. You barely understood your own feelings towards Bucky at the moment.

„You really don't have to forgive me, or him. I just hope it's not to late for me to help you, like everyone else, to settle in your new life here. I do think you deserve that“

'Because you deserve to live'

Those had been Buckys words.

„Thank you, Steve. I know you're probably not keen on me beeing around your friend all that much, but I do appreciate all of what you just said. Deeply“, you said, voice weak and airy, „I can't promise forgiveness, where none is to give, let's be honest. How you acted towards me was normal, with what you knew about me. You saw me as dangerous, and I didn't try to make a diffirence, especially during our mission. If I were you, I wouldn't have trusted me either“

You tried not to say anything more. Whatever you had to say about Bucky was not ready to be heard by anyone but yourself.

Steves eyes softened as he listened. Maybe he expected you to be more defensive than this. Which you had also expected.

Whichever part of you started to accept his words, it definetely made the right call. Because the knot that always formed in your stomach when you had looked at Steve Rogers before, it loosened up immediately.

Maybe this was a form of trust, to rely on those words, rely on what you felt about them.

How funny.

„I hope I can be better too“, you added as the silence between you became too heavy, „I learned so many healthy ways to deal with my past now, have processed so much of what hurt me the most.I want to be someone, that you all can rely on, instead of worry about.“

„You can take your time with that, I-well, we all don't want you to pressure yourself into being someone you might not even want to be“

You nodded, „I won't“

What a weird change of atmosphere. Between you and him there had always been a disclosed tension.

„Okay“, he just said, because there really wasn't much else to be said.

And it was better to leave it at that.

You stood up and wished him a good night, your day was more then successful, even without this conversation. Drawing, talking, smiling. It was a good way to end the evening, with the warm feeling that spread through you.

He stood up with you, nervously looking at the hallway were your rooms were, „Yes, good night, Y/N“, he gave you a smile.

It looked so cranky and boyish for a second,you had to keep yourself from grinning back at him.

You walked away with your journal pressed against your chest.

Maybe this was the Captain America everyone kept talking about.

Who did everything in his power to make people feel safe, without expecting anything in return.

In that moment, as his eyes trailed after you vanishing in the hallway, you felt confident, that this all might actually be worth it.

Chapter Text

You stood on a field, city lights were shining in the distance, just out of reach. The wind was blowing around your ankles and waving the strands of your hair around your face.

It smelled like rain, but the air had another stench to it, almost metallic. Dirty.

The grass beneath your feet was wet and cold. You had nowhere to go, nowhere to be, just waiting for it.

For what usually came for you. For what you had felt every other night.

But instead of what you had expected, the hand that usually twisted your neck and crushed you in its hold never came. It touched you but not in vain. Fingers grazing over your arm, the metal was as cold as the night, it searched its way into your palm, grabbing it. Gentle, slow.

You searched his eyes for the hostility you usually saw in them, but it was nothing but warmth in them, worry and understanding. Something you wanted to keep looking at, while feeling your fear melt away.

You let him stay.

As you woke up your heart was thundering in your chest. Your breath was short for the seconds in which you collected yourself, taking in your suroundings. The same room as always.

But the feeling you had woken up with was diffirent.

There was no adrenaline, no fear for your life.

It changed. The dream you've always had, changed. After all this time.

And it confused you.

How the Winter Soldier had just interchanged it's place so easily with the man he became today.

But why now? Your last weeks here had shown you Buckys true self, sure, but you had watched him for so many days, why only now.

And why was it so intimate?

Those eyes...how they had looked at you under the stars.

You could feel goosebumps going down your spine at the thought of it.

So intense.

Maybe you're just lonely

„That's not very helpful“, you sighed.

You just tried to ignore the memory of it, as you got up and ready for the day, but it always sneaked back into your mind, every now and then.

When you greeted the others in the kitchen, your gaze lingered on Bucky a lot longer then usual, and he couldn't help but stare back in silence, as you searched for something on his face, that could answer what you were wishing to find.

The meaning behind your dream. Why it was no longer a nightmare?

You saw nothing but a normal guy, a tired, slightly irritated man who was trying to eat his first meal of the day.

So you decided to pay it no more mind, to forget about it for now, and just eat your own breakfast.

„So, are we going to give her the reward now, or...“, Sam said as everyone finished up.

„Oh my god!“, Wanda exclaimed, shooting him a glare.

„Sam...“, Natasha groaned, „It was supposed to be a surprise, not a reward“

„Ah, shit-“, he said cringing at himself as the others all looked at him a little annoyed.

„Of course you had to ruin it“

„I didn't mean to, c'mon guys!“

Everyone rambled about as you just sat there confused, trying to get a picture of what the hell was really going on.

„Okay, now. Since the surprise is practically nonexistent anymore, Y/N, we do in fact“, Tony satrted shooting Sam a sarcastic look, „have something to show you, since you outdid yourself with all that self-reflection.“

„Do I get a little gold star for doing therapy?“, you snickered.

„Oh, it's better!“, Sam said with a glint in his eyes and a weirdly mischevious grin on his lips.

They all stood up, making you believe the worst suddenly.

„Oh god, please don't start singing“, you whispered

Wanda laughed, „Don't be silly, just come, we'll show you what it is“

And they all went with you onto the last level of the building. Which was a disaster, even with such a huge elevator, it was a little too close for comfort in there, probably making some of them rethink their decision to do this as a group.

Worst of it was in fact that you were stuck between Steve and Bucky the whole way up, a rosy tint on your cheeks when you felt their chest and biceps squishing you here and there.

You never imagined them being so...beefy, even after seeing them so often, it was totally diffirent to feel it.

And you didn't dare to look at any of them until you were out of the elevator, telling yourself no one could see the heat on your face.

The group moved through the floor, determined to not give any more away as already done, leaving you to trail behind them until you stood infront of a metal door. A fire escape.

„You go first, the surpise is upstairs“, Tony said with a smug look on his face.

Everyone waited for you to go up, slowly following you.

This is ridicilous, the Devora wasn't impressed at all.

You were no child, and definetely not one for surprises either, the tension of not knowing something always stressed you out.

But you were proven wrong once again. Maybe it wasn't so bad after all.

You had never visited the rooftop before, no time or no interest, whatever it was. Steve had told you it was run down and not a sight to see. But what you were seeing now, was far from that.

„I think she likes it“, you heard Tony mumble to the others as you just stood there gaping at the sight before you.

A greenhouse, huge with partially stained glass and wide ornated windows. It looked like it's been here far longer then the Avengers.

The rooftop itself was pretty barren except for a little area with some outdoor chairs and an upside down bucket to act as a table for an ashtray. You didn't even know any of them were smoking.

„You can't be serious...“, you turned to them, seeing their expressions widely differ from excitement to gentle appreciation to even relief.

„We had been working on this after Wanda told us how well you were doing. Not like we had that much to do anyway, we were put on ice after your little escapade, so we took the chance to restore it“, Natasha said to your surprise.

„But... how did you even know I- this is...“, you were at a loss for words as you looked back at the greenhouse, seeing the sun catch on the few stained glass panels, casting colors onto the ground here and there.

„The soil you had in your bag? Remember? Also, let's be honest, all the plants you brought, they can't be living to their full potential in such boring room“, Sam spoke up, not being able to stop grinning at how baffled you were.

„Wanna tell her what we did, Cap?“, Tony asked him, clearly trying to embarrass him, „Was your idea after all“

You looked at Steve, even though he tried to not do the same, letting his eyes wander around the roof to avoid your gaze.

Him of all people.

Captain can't-handle-praise , now the Devora was actually interested in the situation, Seems like his mind has truly changed.

„Yeah, he helped a lot, even went to the garden centre with Barnes to pick out some new plants for you“, Tony couldn't stop teasing him, enjoying how shy he was getting.

„Okay, it's enough now“, he shrugged Tony's hand off his shoulder.

„He can be a real softie“, Steve was now directly glaring at him.

You were overwhelmed by the fact they gifted you something so impressive, besides it being so pretty, a greenhouse was something you had always wanted. Or rather, you had deeply wished for a place to bring up a garden again for what felt like an eternity.

It gave you an actual sense of home in that moment.

Which you hadn't imagined to feel ever again, so much that just looking at it for these few minutes had you in awe.

And while the bickering behind you continiued, you stepped right into it, feeling the warmth of the sun through the glass as the light danced over yours skin.

There were a few planters around the walls and a really big one in the middle.

Your breath hitched as you saw what was planted in one of them.

Sunflowers.

You whirled around, searching their faces.

And you caught Buckys gaze, looking conflicted, like he was worried what you were thinking.

But before you could even say or do anything, tears welled up in your eyes. You turned back towards the sunflowers, looking at them with so much adoration. The sight of them waking something up in a deep corner of your mind, but it was still too far away to grasp.

You couldn't believe any of this was real. Not the greenhouse itself, not the fact that these people, that didn't even knew you that well did this. For you. Not the beautiful flowers that reminded you of your childhood...

Your heart felt so heavy, you didn't even know what was happening to you, thinking something was wrong for a second.

That's not just appreciation, you're feeling, Y/N, the Devora was letting your walls down for you.

Your heart was straining with actual joy, and you nearly didn't recognize it as that.

The feeling of your own happiness was mixing with the delight of the other part of your mind.

You laughed, quietly, a sound that had the others quiet down a little.

There was a hand on your shoulder and as you looked up you saw Vision, who had already made his way over to you. Handing you a tissue before the rest of them could realize you were crying.

„We were hoping you'd like it, but I never thought to see you this...emotianal, if I may say so“

„Me neither, dude“, you took the tissue from him, dabbing at your eyes.

„You got these for me“, you said to Bucky as you turned back around.

It wan't really a question, but he still answered, „I did...I didn't want to at first, because I thought it might be too much, but I can remember some things, from before you came to- to Hydra. Your flowershop, all the decorations. And your uh... name“

You frowned at him, „You speak swedish?“

„I googled it“, he muttered.

„You know how to use google?“, Natasha said, making the others chuckle a little, while Bucky just closed his eyes, looking a little embarrassed.

„Solros?“, Wanda asked, „Does it mean sunflower in swedish?“

„Yes“, you said, also feeling a little embarrassed now, that you had given yourself an agent name after such a silly thing.

„How cute, so thoughtful, you both. I wish you were so thorough with your paperwork“, Tony snickered at Bucky and Steve, which they just answered with rolling their eyes.

It was unreal. All of it.

„I don't think I can ever...repay this, I don't even believe I deserve this, if I'm honest“, you said, but Wanda immediately silenced you, „Do you even know, how long it took us“, she mentioned between her and bucky, „to find ourselves again after Hydra. And before you say you weren't with them as long, all those years after, those were just an extension. You had no time to feel safe, feel normal or recover, because you kept running from them, and in just a few weeks here, you managed to heal such a big part of yourself, that is worth it“

She's proud of us!, it echoed through your mind, so loud you winced at it.

„To be fair, it was me, who developed those programs, I should get a bit of recognition for your improvement as well“, Tony mumbled.

„Oh please!“

„Are you being for real?“

The others all groaned, scolding him for ruining such an important moment, but you were glad.

It kept the whole situation- that you could barely deal with it anyway a lot more lighthearted.

You didn't need any more heartfelt words right now.

Bucky remembered your flowershop...

It felt like an eternity that you stood there, staring at him.

His expression was confusing, there was still some guilt flickering in his eyes, but the longer you looked at eachother, the more prominent his adoration became.

And it ran you over like a bus.

That he was not only the one person that would always conect you to Hydra, but also to the girl you were before all of that. The life you had lived once, he remembered some of that.

The person that was always hoping for times to get better.

Maybe the dream had fucked up your mind, but something had truly changed, in how you saw him.

„Why swedish?“, Sam asked you, as you all went back inside.

They had kept you company as you looked at everything thoroughly, inspecting just how wide and deep the planters were, what you could bring up in them, how much space you had for other pots. Until you realized that they were watching you very intensely, which is why you decided it was time to head down again. Feeling too anxious under all their eyes.

„My parents were swedish, at least on side.“, you answered, and all the others quirked up as you mentioned something about yourself they've never heard before. Except for Wanda, who had seen some of your past to an extend.

No one else knew of your family history, not even Bucky, so much you hoped at least.

„Oh, you're not american? Were did you grow up?“, Sam kept asking.

Steve tried stop him from urging you any further, but you told them it was fine.

After all, you would have to come clear with everything you repressed or what made you uncomfortable anyway at some point. Including the part of your mind that contained the worst of your past.

„I did grow up in the united states. I was born in sweden, but my parents took me here when I was about two years old I think, I don't remeber exactly when“, you said.

„So which one of them was swedish? Mom or dad?“, Tony asked

„My mother Lene was swedish, and my mom Alice was from Oklahoma“

Sam's eyes went wide at that.

„Wait you had two mothers?“, Natasha asked, as if she didn't hear you right.

„Yeah, they weren't married obviously, but they still raised me as if they were“, you tried to smile through what you felt at the memories of your parents.

„They loved each other?“, Vision asked, very interested in what you had to say about them.

„Yes, which not everyone welcomed back then, but I have never missed out on anything growing up, just 'cause I had no father.“

„That sure as hell must've been hard for them“, Sam said as he stood at the elevator pressing the call button.

„That's what I'm thinking, when were you born? 1990? Not a great time to be in a same-sex relationship, even though I remeber a lot of parties where it was very welcome, actually“, Tony wondered.

„I was born in 1981“, you said.

„Right! I forgot. You just look so young“, Tony sighed as he questioned himself.

„You held up pretty good for your age, gotta say“, Sam joked.

„Literally never looked a day over 25 since I got injected, it's so weird.“

„Do you know why?“, Vision asked as the elevator doors opened, „Do you just get older but look the same, or do you age slower? Like the super soldiers?“

„I really don't know“, you asnwered honestly, „And I don't even know if I care“

„Would be great to know“, he said nodding at you, „Maybe we could find out. There are medical tests to determine ages, we could do those every few years to see if-“

„That's a little to much and too far for me to worry abaout. I'm still trying to get used to thinking ahead to the next week, instead of just day to day.“, you interrupted him, feeling a little on edge at the image of any testing done on you.

„I understand, forgive me“, he said ruddering back a bit from his excitement over the opportunity to learn more about you.

„Don't worry about him, he's always so eager to know everything, he's not trying to be rude“

You gave Wanda a tight smile.

„Alright Y'all, I have some stuff to do today, I'll need to get downstairs, you coming or not?“, Sam whined from inside the elevator, waiting for the others.

„You guys go on ahead, I gotta talk to Bucky for a second“, Steve said, giving you a side eye before walking off into another direction.

Bucky looked at you confused an then at his friend, before saying his goodbye and leaving.

You felt a twinge as you watched him go, even though you still couldn't really tell him how impressed you were by his help with the greenhouse.

Something about seeing him leave always irritated you.

Chapter Text

„What is it, that you need from her?“

Steves asked before Bucky could even close the door of his own room.

The question took him by surprise.

„You mean Y/N?“, he asked back, confused as to what exactly he wanted to hear from him, „I don't think I want...anything actually“

„Oh, so the looks you give her all the time, have nothing to do with the fact that you feel the need to do something for her, or save her or anything?“, his tone was pure sarcasm.

Bucky couldn't really understand where his friends sudden hostility came from.

He hadn't realized that he was looking at you in any specific way.

„I'm not trying to save her, what should I be saving her from? Being here should be enough, or not?“

Steve raised an eyebrow at him, „You actually feel that way? Is that why you look at her with such longing? Because to me it looks like you're far from satisfied with what you should be doing“

„I don't understand a single word of what you're saying, Steve.“

He sighed, hands on his hips as he shook his head in disbelief.

„You mean to tell me you don't feel the need to make it up to her anymore? You don't need her forgiveness? That you would be fine with the way it is, because it really doesn't seem that way!“

Bucky was stunned by what he heard.

By the fact that Steve still knew him so well, even better then he knew himself sometimes.

„I'm not waiting for her to forgive me...“, he said hesitantly, but the words sounded wrong the moment he felt them on his tongue.

Had he done all these things simply to plead with you? To make it even? He thought he'd gotten over that already.

„There is nothing she could do to forgive me for what I've done...it's not possible...“

„I'm not certain, she would see it that way. In my opinion she is very open minded, even underneath all those trust issues and anxiety she's carrying, she would probably try to forgive you, Buck.“

„I don't really see what the purpose of this is, why are you telling me this shit?“, he asked, not amused by all the emotions his friend was working up within him.

„Stop seeing her as your past. She's someone else now, and not the girl you met back then. Just like you are not who she remebered when she first came here.“

His first reaction was to defend himself, because he always wanted to be selfless when it came to you, he wanted to compensate for what he had done, however he could.

But maybe that wasn't what you wanted. Or needed.

He never thought about it before.

„I didn't...“, nothing could've explained how he was feeling.

He was confused, especially because Steve had never stood up for you before and that gave him really sudden whiplash.

Of all people to advocate for you, it was him.

„Why do you care?“, he asked straight up.

„I don't really know why...maybe I care more about you not devoting yourself to something that's so useless and ruining it for both of you. Just because you can't let go“

He didn't fuck around when it came to calling him out, that's for sure.

„So what, am I supposed to act like none of it ever happened? Like I didn't hurt her back then?“

„Yes, because it wasn't you. She knows that, maybe even better than you“

„Apparently everyone knows better then me, huh“, he scoffed, pacing up and down before the windows, „Everyone seems to just know exactly what I do, even when I don't even know it“

„Your acting strange towards her, she might not have noticed yet, because she's so focused on being compliant, acting like she found her place, even when she's still scared we wouldn't accept her. But when she gets over that, she will realize what you're doing, and she won't like it. Would you like it, when someone did that to you? Treat you like your just some traumatized guy, who might break at any moment? I remeber pretty well, how hard it was- still is for you to feel normal around people you don't know well. 'cause you're so scared of talking about yourself for that exact reason. The looks and words they would give you, as if you were still not okay.“, as Steve was done with his little monologue, he stood very close to him.

There was nothing Bucky could've said to deny all that. Steve was absolutely right, and he hated it.

And there was a chance that he was doing the same to you.

„She is not the only one who has to let go, for this to work out, Buck. You owe her a normal life, I get that, but you can only help her if you get over what happened.“

He really didn't like that his friend was suddenly so morally righteous. Actually, that might be what Steve always does, but it annoyed him, when he acted like that towards him.

„Are you suddenly her friend now? Were you not the one who couldn't accept her being here a few weeks ago?“

It was clear that Bucky only tried to blame him in defense of his own faults. But he didn't care how childish that was, he didn't want to talk about his inability to forgive himself.

And it worked, for just a second Steve looked distraught at the memory of his behaviour, but he just said, „I know what I did wrong, but I will be better. And if you also want to be better in that regard, you should start seeing her as who she is now, and not the fragile girl from your past“

He didn't need to add anything else, all was said and Bucky understood.

He was exhausted from having to change, and adapt, and work on himself all the time, of facing his past every single day.

„Just think about it, Buddy“, Steve said before leaving.

Some days went by. You had gotten your new allowance from Tony. He said, it was S.H.I.E.L.D's money, but you knew better.

He had asked Pepper to go with you and open a new bank account and get a credit card. Just for yourself. And she basically treated you to a whole new wardrobe afterwards.

She called it her take on therapy.

Shopping.

Something you hadn't really done in a while, hell you hadn't really liked going shopping even before you got fused with another lifeform. Back when your parents were still around to drag you to a mall every now and then. All you always wanted was to eat ice cream afterwards, which they always included of course.

But now...

You wouldn't exactly call it stressful. After all you had experienced in your life, you weren't to bothered by trying on clothes in all sizes and forms, but it was definetely worse then you remebered.

We could be out there hunting Hydra, but we're going on a shopping-tour instead...

She dragged you from store to store, even looking for bath utensils, make-up, towels.

You nearly exploded with all the intake as she entered a shop for furniture, that looked like it was made for people that earned a thousand times of what you made in your position at S.H.I.E.L.D.

„I know, the stuff we put in the rooms are awful, but I had no Idea who would sleep where and what they liked, so I went with the most neutral options. But now you can decide for yourself, how's that?“, she looked so excited as she kept showing you diffirent sheets, that had just the right quality for her taste.

She had a good eye for this, sure, but she also had a totally diffirent idea of what comfortable meant than you.

You didn't need it to look nice, or fancy or be in unison with everything you owned. Your style varied in every possible way, you loved colors, you loved pastels, you loved when things looked full if life.

Cute, flowery, maybe a little too girly in some cases, but you needed things to feel alive. Warm.

You knew you could never make your bedroom look anything like your appartment over the shop. That place had been so run down and looked more then lived in, with all your clutter and second hand furniture, but you had no other way to pay for everything, after buying the shop with your college funds.

Quality was none of your concerns.

„Maybe we could go somehwere else first?“, you said to Pepper as one of the employes tried handing you a flute with what smelled like the driest champagne you ever seen, almost making you gag.

„Oh sure, you have anything in mind? We can get all the bags to our car and then drive there if it's a little further“, she said, giving you a wide pearly smile that made her eyes crinkle.

You were glad she was so adaptable, to be honest, you would not have made it through another one of those snobbish stores.

And the second you sat in the car, you felt yourself relax a little, as you gave her the address of a store you had found online.

New York had a lot of second hand options, but you weren't sure if Pepper would like to go in any of those.

You've found a warehouse which sold antique and vintage stuff, but also restored high end furniture, hoping she would agree to any of the things you found there.

When you went inside, the atmosphere was already a hundred times better then in any of the other shops, the customers looked like normal everyday people.

You could smell wood and leather, as you searched around the displayed furniture, immediately catching sight of something you absolutely needed to get your hands on.

It was an old wooden dresser, the outside was a warm olive green with handpainted vines and flowers around the sides and drawers.

You immediately made an offer to one of the employees who was walking around, asking if you could pay upfront, so that no one else would take it.

He smiled at you, „You buying more? I can just come with you, so I can write down what you want, And when you feel like you're done, we go up to the cashier, sound good?“

„Oh that would be great!“, Pepper said, looking back at you, „That way you can be sure to get everything you need, right?“

„I don't want to keep you from doing your work, if this is causing you any trouble-“

„Girl, this is my work“, the young man laughed and just wrote something down into his notes, „I got you, don't even worry about it“

The sun was starting to set as you both finished at the register. Since you couldn't take everything with you, they wanted to arrange a delivery at first, but you werent really allowed to disclose the Complex' address, so you had to think of a date where you could come pick it up instead.

Pepper told you that she would handle it. That Tony wouldn't mind sending some of his employees to get it for you.

You were buzzing with excitement for the new interior you picked out, you couldn't wait until your room would stop looking like a hotel.

„Okay, now. We got underwear, nightwear, pants, shirts, some clothes for your training, some for more official occasions and-“, she ticked off all the points on her tablet as she went through her list,“ we forgot shoes“.

She groaned.

But you just chuckled at that, „I have three pairs of shoes, I'll be fine“

And you sure as hell didn't want to go into another store today.

„True, and we don't have any more space anyway, all these pillows you bought-“, she pointed into the backseat without looking away from her tablet, „Ah, whatever, we got so much done, you can just order stuff that you don't immediately need to the Tower, Tony has a weekly delivery arranged for the others, so you might as well use it too“

„Sounds good“, you nodded but you kept looking at her a little longer, as she scanned the list again.

She might've felt your gaze, as she got her eyes off the tablet to raise an eyebrown at you in question.

„You down for some ice-cream?“, you asked her, grinning like an idiot.

„At this hour, Y/N?“, she looked at her watch, contemplating for a second, before saying, „You know what, yeah. We deserve that“

You couldn't help the the excitement you felt in that moment.

Someone had to uphold the tradition, right?

When you both arrived back, Pepper called Tony and asked for help to get your newly bought things inside.

To your surprise Steve and Natasha showed up, both in their workout clothes and a little sweaty.

„We were just done with training. Stark told us you needed help down here“, he said, nodding at the full trunk, „You got all of this...just for yourself?“

„Who else needed clothes? I can lend you some of them“, you said smiling at him overly sweet.

„I'm good“, he snickered as he grabbed some of the bags and Natasha did the same.

You tried to carry the bulk of it, with the box full of decorations you found in the warehouse and both hands stacked with as many bags as you could carry without loosing grip on the carton.

„You wanna show off?“, Natasha joked as she saw you carefully balance it all into the elevator.

„No? I just don't want you to think I'm not taking care of my own things“, you mumbled.

„We don't mind helping, this is nothing, Y/N“, she said.

You wanted to believe her, but you were still feeling bad that they had rebuilt a whole greenhouse, and you never gave anything back to them yet. There was no reason to add more favors to the list.

„You think too much, I can see it“, Steve muttered as he waited for the doors of the elevator to open back up, „You kinda have to accept that we will always help eachother, no matter what it is, and carrying some clothes is nothing compared to what we already had to do for eachother“

His eyes searched Natashas for a moment, before he stepped out onto the 3^rd floor.

And since you were already overthinking- like he said -his comment just let you drift off even further into those twisted feelings of shame.

Long enough that you lost your balance, that you had kept so well all the way up from the car.

You stumbled for a brief moment and already felt the box slip your fingers, even as you leaned forward to halt the movement, you fumbled it even more, a small sound of surprise leaving your lips.

Before you could fall, an arm grabbed you around your waist, while the box tumbled to the ground. Thankfully everything inside was carefully wrapped in newspaper, so nothing would break.

You didn't even have time to be embarrassed as the strong arm cradled you, pulling you upwards until you stood safely.

You looked up at Steve, whose brows were knitted tightly, watching you collect yourself.

„Christ, I'm so sorry!“, you rambled as you tried to escape his hold.

He let you go but you felt his hand linger at the small of your back.

Now you had time to be embarrassed, especially as you saw who else had witnessed all this.

Not only Natasha and Pepper, but Sam, Tony and even Bucky sat in the little lounge before the kitchen. Had probably stayed there after dinner.

You felt your face heat up.

„You alright?“, Steve asked, hand still on you, which didn't go unnoticed by the others.

You took a step away from him, not liking how much attention there suddenly was on you, „Sure yes, thank you...“

You got the box from the ground and tried walking towards the your room.

„Let me help y-“, Steve said but you shook your head at him.

„No I'm okay, must be tired or something.“

Your eyes drifted over the others, who all exchanged looks witheachother, as if there was something you didn't get.

When you got to your room everyone stood their bags down at the door.

You thanked them again, before telling them a good night, even though you knew there was no way you were going to sleep anytime soon. Not when there was such fresh new material to feel anxious about.

What even was that. Your mind drifted back to the feeling of Steves hand on your back, how gently he had touched you.

You shuddered at it.

Which was even more confusing, was that no one had made fun of you, the others usually took every chance to nick eachother. It was so casual, that you had expected nothing diffirent, but no one had said aynthing.

How weird.

Didn't it feel good? Someone touching you so softly?

There was absolutely no way you would have this conversation with the Devora.

„Just...fuck off, will you“, you whispered out loud.

As if it would listen to you any way.

„Good catch“, Sam said when Steve walked back into the lounge area.

Allthough most of the others looked at him with amusement, Bucky felt conflicted on what he had seen.

Not that it was his business, what his friend did with anyone else, but he had looked at her so worried, even though it was clear she was completely fine.

And not only that, the sheer reflex Steve managed to catch her fall with, even though he had walked slightly in front of her. He must have paid a lot of attention to her steps, even as a super-soldier you weren't always ready for everything.

So either he'd wanted to make sure she wouldn't fall from the beginning, or there was another reason he had been so focused on her.

And that somehow confused Bucky. Just the way it all happened. His arm, his hand, how he didn't mind it at all, to hold you like that, more like he enjoyed it.

Which was new.

What was it, that he had seen in his eyes?

„Was a close one, for sure“, Steve joked as he grinned at Sam, avoiding Buckys stare completely.

Pepper walked up to them, swivelling through Tonys hair, „Come on, I wanna get some work done before bed“

Tony sprung up, guiding her to the elevator, „Oh of course, my dear. I'd never say no to some work“, he smirked.

And Bucky could catch a small glimpse of Tonys hand laying just at the same spot on Peppers back, as Steves had on yours, before the doors closed behind them.

„They call it work, huh. These guys, I swear“, Sam chuckled as he got up and joined Nat in the kitchen, snatching some of her snacks.

Bucky couldn't get it out of his head, even the way Steve tried to keep his eyes on anything but his friend.

It was so clear to him. He knew Steve too well. But maybe he just didn't want to believe it. Because of how absurd that was.

„Is that why I have to be better for her?“, he asked, making sure the others couldn't hear them.

Steve still couldn't look at him, but his face fell a little.

„You like her? As part of our team, right?“

„Not sure what you're implying, Buck“, he tried to act it out as a joke, but he saw a twitch at the corner of his mouth, as if he had to hold his smile up.

„I know you, Steve. How you act around girls that you like...“, it was weird to say it out loud.

His friend just sighed at that, „She's just a colleague“

„What you said earlier this week sounded a little diffirent, now it would also make sense, why you wanted to come get the flowers for her“

„That was your Idea, not mine“, he tried to defend himself.

„You barely know her...“

„Okay, and?“

There it was. He realized the little facade was over when he said it.

„I don't know what I see in her yet, for now I just...want to know her better. Be closer maybe, not sure what that means, I just kind of...I think I find her cute, in some way?“

„How humble“, Bucky rolled his eyes, „That wasn't just a 'cute' touch. She had to get away from you, before you snatched your hand back“

„I don't know what to tell you, Buck. She's a pretty girl, I got nervous“

„You never just touch a woman without her permission“, he threw in, as if that contested anything.

„It's not like that, stop talking about me like I molested her, what are you actually upset about?“

He didn't know what to say to that. He wasn't trying to start a fight with him.

„Listen, Buddy. This is nothing, you are right, I might not know her that well, she just...how do I even say this without sounding creepy...she does something to me. And maybe it's because she's suddenly so much brighter or the fact that she is so shy around us sometimes, even after all I've seen her do, what she is capable of. And not only that she is so...strong“, he looked at Bucky as if he knew exactly what he meant by that.

And he did.

Your heart was strong. You had been holding out by yourself so long after what you went through, he knew how much it took to get here, from what you had told him alone, and from what he could gather by his own experience.

But for some reason he didn't like that Steve had apparently realized that all by himself.

Have they been talking? Maybe about her past? Something he might not know?

He had no right to think this way, but it made him bitter.

And he didn't understand why.

Steve didn't wait for Bucky to say anything, he just sighed again and walked away.

As if it just wasn't worth explaining it to him.

And it bugged him, for so long, how Steve had the nerve to just let him sit by himself with these thoughts. Even if naturally he couldn't know exactly how bad it was for Bucky to think about all those possibilities. Steve knew him enough to see when he's troubled.

But he didn't want to have this conversation about you, maybe he had judged way too early, and Steve just had a small crush that he would get over in a few more weeks. Because you were new here, he just stopped seeing you as a threat, but as a potential friend.

And since there was no reason to be mad at Steve for testing out a new kind of relationship, Bucky had to question himself instead.

What made him so mad about it?

What exactly about you and Steve in itself would be bad? Nothing. In theory.

He's seen you as a part of his life for the short while you had been here, maybe there was some psychological explanation as to why he had felt like he himself should be the one to get you out of that hole you were in, even if that wasn't possible.

Not if you still saw something in him that was connected to the Winter Soldier.

And he didn't want to be your best friend, maybe not even a friend at all. Maybe a protector.

Someone that could keep you out of harms way.

He cringed at himself.

What was wrong with him?

He seemed to ask himself this same question over and over.

You had been here for three months- at least. And while you had started feeling better around everyone, you never made the impression to feel anything towards him. Maybe you were in a state of indiffirence, which would be an improvement.

So the question still hung over him.

What would it do with him if Steve saw more in you, than just a colleague?

While he sat there in silence, Nat and Sam had also made their way to their rooms, leaving him alone in his confusion.

The sun had set, just a mild soft light was seen on the horizon, melting into the dark clouds of the night.

Bucky felt alone. He usually kept to himself, but ever since you had turned up here, he had trouble to hide himself from his thoughts, and therefore needed to be around people to stop his mind from turning intself into a battlefield. Literally.

And now he could feel it.

The absence of structure and will to hide away. Which he didn't even mind that much, if it weren't for the loneliness.

But were should he go, Steve was obviously not an option, before Bucky couldn't figure out what he was actually so upset about.

And Sam was upstairs watching movies with Wanda and Vision probably, which he definetly wanted to avoid.

No way he would sit through two hours of the others discussing what they saw, instead of actually watching it. Maybe as a last resort, some day.

So he just sat there, no lights, no sounds. Just his steady breathing.

His thoughts kept wandering back to you. Thinking of the things that made you this new person, that Steve had talked about.

The new You.

If he had to pick something, it would probably be the amount of times you were smiling now. A lot more then when you arrived at the complex. How you inserted yourself into conversations, the way you talked to the others. You were no stranger anymore.

Your eating habits had improved.

The way you held yourself infront of others, how you debated your own standpoints without shame, not expecting imminent chaos when you said something wrong.

Shame was one the most prominent issues for people that came from Hydra. They could change a persons morals with no return.

As he kept thinking about other examples of the person you had turned into, the hallway lit up.

Buckys heart skipped a beat as he remebered that you also had your room on this floor.

He had done nothing wrong, but he still felt caught for some reason.

You made your way into the kitchen, a hair tie hanging in your mouth as you were already tying your hair into a ponytail with a second one.

With the clothes you wore it was obvious you were heading downstairs to the gym. Just a white tank top and just some sort of leggings, or what were they called, Yoga pants? Something tight.

It surprised him.

He had never seen your bare shoulders or arms like this before, he couldn't help but stare at you, as your hands worked on securing the second hair tie around the ponytail, revealing some of the skin of your back as well. A black sports-bra was showing through the thin fabric.

Maybe the talk he had with Steve had really confused him, but now he could see what he meant.

You were definetely an attractive woman, and you held yourself with much more confidence then he had ever expected from you.

Probably because you weren't thinking about anyone seeing you right now. Which was making the whole situation even more awkward, if he just kept sitting there in the dark without making himself known.

After taking a bottle of water from the fridge, you were about to make your way towards the elevator, as you finally spotted him, making you jump.

„Oh my god!“, you yelped, „I didn't even see you“

Hand to your chest you steadied your breathing for a moment.

He got up from his chair, hands held up like he wanted to show he was no threat, „I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you“, he migh'tve hoped you would just leave without seeing him.

„Are you, waiting for someone?“, you asked, eyes looking between him and the hallway.

You were thinking he waited for Steve, and it was clear to see on your face, that the thought of Steve mortified you.

„No, I was just...“

What the hell was he supposed to say?

Just thinking about you

Yeah, not weird at all.

„...lost in thoughts. Didn't realize everyone was gone“

It wasn't really the truth, but he couldn't muster up anything else.

„I see.“, you just said and looked down at your shoes.

„You heading downstairs? A little exercise?“

Not only did he feel awkward, he also sounded absolutely idiotic.

„Uh, yes. I didn't really expect anyone else here, I was actually kind of waiting to be alone“, you confessed, „I mean, no offense, but sometimes it's really overwhelming with so many people around“

He relaxed at that, „I get that, I really do. I didn't mean to disrupt your...workout“

„Don't worry, I don't mind, actually“, you tried to smile at him.

It was a little crooked, as if there was another meaning about your words he didn't understand.

„I mean, what were you doing? Do you...want to come with me? You might be able to help me with...my training“

His eyes went wide, „You want me to- I mean I'm not sure if I'm the best choice for-“

„No it's totally fine if you don't want to“, you waved him off, laughing a little awkward as you made your way to the elevator.

„Wait“, he suddenly said, not knowing what came over him, „I can come, I might not be the best instructor though“

Not only had you asked him to join you, but he agreed to it.

As confused as he was by your offer, he felt glad he did.

Because just like that, the line was crossed, that hidden layer which had kept both of you so distant, had lifted. Just a bit.

This was his chance to finally get to see the real you, and not the version from his memory.

If there was a diffirence, as Steve had said, this was his way of finding out.

And with all those small glances you gave him in during the training, you must've been trying the same.

Tried to find what else there was, instead of the remains from the Winter Soldier.

Maybe he could be a person you wanted in your life after all.

Because if one thing was for sure-

After what felt like hours of training with you, instructing you, and the few careful moments where he had to guide your body into another stance or position, without caring if you could break at a simple touch

After seeing you in a diffirent light, diffirent circumstances

In this space, where none of you were suffocating under the pressure of saying the right things and thinking the right thoughts

-he was actually okay.

No more worries about how he should act. He had taken this chance to be better, to show you a version of him that could one day be a friend, instead of a memory.

For just these few hours of that night he could see you, for who you were.

After you thanked him for the session and let him bring you back to your room, he wished you a good night, as if it was so natural to see you as just a girl now. As if it has always been this easy.

Before he even knew what happened, he already missed whatever feeling you had given him that night.

Chapter Text

Night after Night, the nightmares were becoming less of a threat. Sometimes you would still see things you wished to forget, or woke up to electircity burning under you skin. Had visions that made you hurl everything you ate that day into the toilet, desperate to get all the pain and feelings out of you.

But the Winter Soldier.

He was no more.

Gone,

Erradicated.

A ghost, that couldn't haunt your sleep anymore.

But the downside was, that now there was a new person following you into your dream.

Bucky Barnes.

A constant reminder of his presence in your head was the incredible warmth you felt after waking up, even if you didn't remeber him.

A hand, a touch, a look into those blue eyes, that just sent you into overdrive as soon as you woke up.

He wasn't so much a simple man of this group anymore, now after you had tried so hard to see someone else in him, your prayers were finally heard.

But with an evil twist, apparently.

As there was no more fear and grudge stopping you from seeing how much of a good man he really had become.

He had a gentle smile, soft words only meant for you, whenever you were spending time with eachother. He was careful, but not too much. But enough that you felt yourself brewing with anticipation when he wasn't around. No matter how cold he was inbetween, you knew what was underneath that mask.

Your inner voice was keeping check on you, whenever you got carried away by the sight of him.

Don't bite on what you can't chew, this man could still burn you.

It was a warning, but for some reason it just got you all the more excited.

And one day, it was finally too much.

You were sitting with some of the others in the actual living room on the fifth floor, unaware that this was the floor where Bucky had his room yet, watching trash-tv with Sam and Nat, skribbling in your journal, right on the same page where you had written about your dream from last night, reminding you of the harsh reality of your very conflicting feelings about him.

The elevator made a 'ding' and Bucky stepped out, clad in a fitted black shirt, which clung to him like a second skin, running his hand through his hair, which was wet from sweating, and he was still a little out of breath. The flush on his skin and the half lidded gaze he had, made something turn in you, which you had never felt before.

So you really do want to get burned

„Fuck...“, you whispered out, but for someone who had such a good hearing, maybe someone who had super-soldier serum in his veins, it was not that hard to hear.

Buckys head turned, as if you had called him, eyes landing directly on you, as if no one else was in the room.

There was no chance he didn't see the panic on your face, as you averted your gaze to the TV, like your attention had never left whatever series was playing.

„Hey“, he greeted the others, but you still kept you head straight in one direction, too scared of his reaction to you very obvious blush.

And even when he went into his room, your heart still would not calm down.

You have some issues

Not that you wouldn't know that already, but you couldn't get the image out of your head, how his chest had been heaving and his glistening skin in the afternoon sun.

'Ohgodohgodohgod'

When was the last time you had felt this way? Maybe in college...but that was a wild time for you anyway, not to be compared with this.

Was it just Bucky? Surely it was not him, maybe you just had to get laid, now that you finally felt like a person again. It's been over a decade that you let someone even touch you.

Or it was because of your dreams, because this was lacking all logic, no way you wanted...him.

Not like that, no.

No

You tried to keep your mind occupied with your journal, drawing things that made you feel better.

Just as you were done sketching the tiny cactus that stood on the lowboard underneath the TV, you heard a door open.

Oh-Oh , the Devora was having so much fun with your fluctuating emotions.

„What are you guys watching?“, Bucky asked, leaning onto the back of the couch where you sat.

You didn't look up at him, but you could smell him. He was fresh out of the shower. You had to hold your breath to keep yourself from sniffing the air like some feral animal.

„I think we started watching gordon ramsey first, I don't even know what this is anymore“, Natasha shrugged her shoulders, flipping through some magazine.

„Kardashians“, Sam said, apparently still paying attention to the screen.

„Ah“, Bucky just said, and you could feel his eyes on you.

You were hoping so badly he hadn't seen anything of what you had written in your journal, you didn't need any more reason to run and hide from him.

„Looks nice“, he said, sounding so casual and relaxed, for a second you thought there was no reason to worry about what he might think.

He was talking about your drawing, even though you were holding it at an angle he could barely see it.

„Thanks“, you mumbled, still concentrating on scratching a certain point on the paper that was already begginning to thin out from the pressure of your pencil going back and forth over it.

„You wanna join us? We can watch something diffirent“, Sam perked up as he realized Bucky was still standing there, „We can watch a movie! Please say yes“

„Why are you even asking him, he always says no“, Natasha mused giving Bucky an amused look.

„I mean, that sounds like a challenge, not sure if I can say no to that“, Bucky answered, leaving the other two perplexed.

„A moment in history!“, Sam cheered stretching his arms out towards the ceiling.

You weren't sure if you liked the thought of staying here for a whole film, after what just happened. Not to mention your current emotional dilemma.

„Sure, whatever, just chose something nice“, Bucky chuckled and went around the couch to sit beside you, spiking your nerves even more.

„And what is nice supposed to be? At least give me a genre“, Sam said but Bucky just shrugged his shoulders, which is when Sam looked at you, „Y/N what do you wanna watch?“

„Me? Uhm-“, you said, overwhelmed by the unexpected attention.

This might be your only chance to leave, before you'd have even more problems.

But as you glanced at the man beside you, his eyes still fixed on you and an encouraging smile on his lips, you felt like the choice was already made for you.

„I like fanatsy, something whimsical or uhm I never seen lord of the rings before, or harry potter or...“, you tried to think of more titles, but you also hadn't kept up with any of the movies these days.

Bucky next to you stiffened a little.

„A classic, I'm in“, Sam said, but Natasha groaned.

„I need something sweet then, I do not have the attention span for that movie without any snacks“, she got out of her armchair to go downstairs.

„Oh can you also get something for me?“, Sam asked her.

„Okay, anyone else have a wish? I have two hands, if I can carry it, I'll get it“

„I can help“, Bucky said going over to her.

You felt like you could breathe again for a second, before he then turned around to you to ask, „Y/N, do you want anything“

You were about to shake your head but Natasha had diffirent plans, „Oh I know what she likes, she always get's the same stuff from the pantry“

You felt called out.

No way you were so predictable.

They left, without giving you another chance to say anything.

And you just sat there, completely petrified.

„He really never want's to watch a movie with us, I can't believe the day finally came“, Sam was saying, completely oblivious to the fact you were still preparing for what was going to happen.

A whole film, with Bucky, after you just had such embarrassing and lewd thoughts about him.

You would never survive that. There was no chance you'd get out of this without making a fool of yourself.

How was this possible? Just a week ago you had thought of him as nothing more but a person you wanted to learn to trust, just like all the other people in this team, and then suddenly his face was everywhere.

In your head, your dreams, your journal and then you even still had to see him everyday.

It was an obsession, definetely not the healthy kind.

Was it a coping mechanism? You were still in therapy after all, maybe it just needed some time to get over it.

But good lord, you were desperate to have these thoughts gone.

Even after you had started feeling normal around him, there was too much unspoken between you two.

What an overwhelming amount of denial

You wanted to slap yourself, just to shut them up for once.

But the only thing echoing in your mind was amusement, as they withdrew from your thoughts.

And then, to top it all off, Bucky handed you a fresh cup of ginger tea.

Like you needed any more reason to look at him as if he was the best thing in existence.

At that point you were sure, that whatever he did, you had no control over yourself anymore.

He knew so many things about you, and you still only remebered what he was like before Hydra, which didn't help at all.

His past self, before the war, before all that shit happened to him.

What a sweet man, or how good of a friend he had been. The joy he still had in his life. So charming...

Not much of that man was still in him, which was a tragedy in itself, even without all the life altering changes.

He was still caring today, just less happy, less excited. He had retracted into a selfmade cocoon, where he was safe from any more change, and it was very obvious, that he had trouble trusting himself sometimes.

And what about that you related to was unclear, but you saw yourself in some parts of him now.

Maybe you liked him. More then you wanted to admit.

But this whole attraction thing was diffirent.

It was not you.

Should you just believe, that after so many years of not feeling anything this way at all, it was him who activated that side of you?

Absolutely not.

And it also didn't help how close he was, not just during that movie, when his warmth and smell lulled you in, while you tried desperately to concentrate on the film.

No, he was always there, always hovering near you, when you got out of your room.

What were you supposed to do?

Tell him to fuck off?

Tell him to fuck you

You nearly choked on your tea, as those thoughts tore through your head, a whisper of malicious joy drifting in with them.

This was getting ridicilous.

No, you did not want him to fuck you, you didn't want anyone to even touch you.

...

And you really tried to further convince yourself, that this was just confusion and would leave when you kept getting better and more stable with time, but then you made the mistake to look over at him.

He was so invested in the film, actually enjoying and genuienly showing how much he liked it.

Looking so precious for a moment. Before he noticed your stare.

You couldn't help it, even as his eyes met yours. There was something he didn't try to hide anymore, as if he wanted you to see it, as if he felt safe here, with you.

Slowly but surely you could see some of his usual guard lay back over him, but not fully, just enough to keep looking at you.

„You like it?“, you whispered.

„Yes, I really do“, he anwered, but his tone was so serious.

Maybe there was more to him, then he let on. The question was if he would let you see more of this side of him from now on.

You were hoping for it.

Chapter Text

„Alright, people! We got green light. A new mission“, Tony clapped his hands as he walked into the conference room, where everyone had been waiting for him for the last ten minutes.

„Oh wonder, who would've thought“, Sam joked, looking over at you, as you couldn't help but chuckle at his sarcasm.

Friday had summoned everyone to the conference room that morning, so it had been pretty obvious, that it was time for the Avengers to get back to work.

You weren't sure if that included you, but you were going to wait and see, before assuming anything.

„You can wait your turn, Smartass. S.H.I.E.L.D has lost track of one of their groups during one of their own missions, the signal has been lost somewhere in Oregon, their aranged meet up at the military base in portland never happened and they've been missing ever since then. We are supposed to find them, I've got all the coordinates of their positions before the signal was cut“

„Does S.H.I.E.L.D have an Idea why they went missing? Who could be involved?“, Clint asked.

Tonys eyes shifted over to you for a moment and your heart sank as he answered,

„The group consists of some newcomers, S.H.I.E.L.D has only told me that they have been in the same group as Agent Solros, before she finished her training much earlier then everyone else. They suspect their close contact with her might've been a reason for the abduction, most likely by Hydra“

„Shit...“, you mumbled as you thought about some of the other trainees is your unit, „How many?“

„Eight people, the whole group that was sent out“

„Why would Hydra send someone after them, I thought no one knew about her powers anyway“, Natasha asked.

„Maybe they did, maybe they knew something and didn't tell anyone?“, Steve wondered.

„Hydra doesn't just take their chances with some random people, there has to be a reason“, Wanda said and looked at you, „Were you close with anyone during your training?“

You shook your head, „I usually kept to myself, even in our free time, I never really talked to anyone“

„That doesn't make sense“, Tony mumbled, before he thought about it for a second, „In any case, we are supposed to help find them and return them to the headquarters, that's our mission. What exactly Hydras plan was, we might find out anyway. But the suspicion of Y/N being involved in this makes it our job.“

„Does she also have green light?“, Bucky asked carefully, nodding towards you.

He had asked the exact question you needed the answer to. As if he knew, how worried you were about that.

„Yes, and she will definetely come with us.“

It was a chance.

You would get to prove yourself to them, prove that you were compliant now.

All the time you spent to regain your ability to control your own mind, your emotions, it was time to show them exactly how well you had gotten at that.

„She's under your commando, Cap. You, her and Clint will build a team. Just like Agent Romanov, Sam and Sergeant Barnes, and then Wanda and I will check the last location on the list. It will be much faster if we split up. We are supposed to leave as soon as possible. They might not have much time left, since we don't know what they plan on doing with them. So get ready folks, we meet in the lobby at nine“

„What's this?“, Clint raised an eyebrow at the little backpack you had put in the car besides their gear and weapons.

„It's just...something to keep me powered“

He looked even more confused.

„It's full of protein bars“, you said quietly, so no one else could hear it, but you were sure that Steves hearing was too good to not pay attention, „I loose energy quickly if I use my powers, and In case I run out, I packed them. I had to think of something that would be fast and didn't involve anyone elses life being taken“

He just hummed at that, looking at you a little disturbed.

It was worth a try, and it was really just a last resort anyways. You probably won't even need them.

Clint took his bow and quiver out of the car, while Steve came around the other side of the vehicle to get his shield.

You had nothing to take, the smaller weapons you used for combat were already in their holsters or hidden in your new uniform.

„Okay then lets get going, we got the exact coordinates where the signal was cut, we have the highest chance to get a lead“, Steve said already locked in on the mission.

They had apparently vanished somewhere in the outer regions of portland, this specific location was close to the woods, nothing suspicious in sight.

„We check the surroundings, this gas station is the only public space for at least 20 miles“, he ordered, leading the way into the trees.

Since the gas station was closed, you had lost your first chance to look for clues in other peoples minds, you weren't sure how you were supposed to help with no soul in sight.

You carefuly walked your way around the woods around the gas station, following the other two men. Every bit of aura you could feel was theirs, no matter how far you stretched your senses.

No patterns, no trace of anyone.

„There“, Clint suddenly said pointing in a direction on his left, „A car“

„In the middle of the woods?“, you asked him as you searched for what he saw.

He was right, there was a Jeep about 20ft away from you. From the looks of it, there had been a collision with a tree, the front was completely demolished.

„Stay behind. Y/N can you sense anything?“

You tried again, but there was nothing, „No..no one's here“

„Alright we'll take a look at it“

It was definetely one of S.H.I.E.L.Ds vehicles.

„This was their tracker“, Clint said as he searched the inside of the car, pointing at the console.

„Their weapons are still here, and the fact they had crashed in these woods out of nowhere should be enough proof for an abduction“, Steve said as he opened the back of the car up.

„No signs of a fight though“, you mumbled as you searched the ground.

The car also had no holes, besides the damage from the crash, nothing else had impacted it.

„I'll tell the others“, Clint said as he reached for his phone.

„We should check the rest of this area to-“, a shock went through you, as you suddenly had the urge to defend yourself.

Careful , it echoed through your head, your senses tingling as the Devora tried to bring your attention elsewhere.

You pushed through the treeline, searching for whatever had them so worried.

It was all around you, multiple people that were circling in on you, more then ten- more then twenty even, you couldn't grasp it fast enough as they stormed towards you.

How had you not seen them coming earlier?

They were too far, but now they are getting too close, we need to do something .

„There are others here, it's too many, they're coming towards us from all sides“

The other two were immediately in combat stance, before you had even finished your sentence.

„How many are there“, Clint asked already drawing his bow.

„I can't tell exactly, twenty...twenty-five?...“, the number of people you could count was getting larger the closer they came.

„They were waiting for us“, Cap said with a huff, „We have to run, we can't fight that many of them at once if they circle us in. Back to the gas station!“

He braced his shield at his side before breaking into a sprint, not waiting for you both to follow.

You were behind them, trying your best to keep up while not using too much of your energy yet.

If it were that many, you'd need all of it.

You were running straight into them, at least a few of them. They had realized what you were doing, as you suddenly heard gunshots from behind you, hitting some of the trees around you. They were picking up the pace, while the ones in front of you were right in sight, taking position to stop the three of you.

Steve raised his shield infront of him, trying to catch most of the shots, but you could hear it from all sides now.

This won't work, let me take them

No, you weren't going to let this happen again, you had no orders to kill them.

You had to either shield them or get the invaders out of reach...

A shield wouldn't last long if they kept shooting, not to protect all of you.

Steve had reached the first few of them, fighting with them face to face, keeping an eye on you and clint to pave a way.

Clint had stopped to shoot some of them with his arrows, letting one fly behind you, where you heard an explosion soon after, screams were going through the woods.

Your flanks weren't covered at all, even with both of them keeping them away, you had to do something, had to protect them.

There was no time to wait for a command, you had to act.

It took just a few seconds to find your centre, the very part of you filled with power, before it started pulsing through your limbs, right up to your fingers.

You scanned all directions, before grabbing onto the materialized energy that was flowing out of you in waves, sending it out towards the remaining enemys on both sides. It latched onto them, like a lasso. You had some of them in your grip, pulling on what you could feel of them as hard as you could, flinging up into the air first. Their bodys were colliding into trees or even eachother, before you pulled them down again, slamming them into the ground, knocking enough of them out to secure the flanks, while Clint had made his way towards Steve, who had a little trouble with keeping the people jumping him under control.

You were about to catch up with them, as you heard someone call out towards you.

„Subject 097!“, one of them yelled standing a few meters away from you. You hadn't even sensed him.

Three other came up behind him, their guns pointed directly at you as the front man charged at you with no weapons whatsoever.

Since they were in reach it was easier to grab onto their energy, closing your fists around the threads that connected you with them before pulling them down into the ground.

You let yourself fall to your knees, pressing your fists into the dirt as hard as you could. Pushing them into the eart beneath them, they couldn't breathe with the pressure you put on them.

With a yank they slid through the mud towards you and as they reached you, gasping for air and sputtering soil everywhere, you grabbed onto their minds.

It was so easy to control them when they were so close.

Except, one of them didn't react to you invading his head. The guy that had called out to you didn't react to the orders you put into their brains. While the others let go of their weapons and looked at each other in absolute confusion as they sat up, that man scrambled off the ground to tackle you down.

You weren't expecting him to be able to move, had no time to react or shield yourself as his body rammed into you, throwing you off your feet and into the dirt.

The moment he had you underneath him he finally took a gun out of his belt, pointing it right at your forehead.

This was the right time for your instincts to kick in, to do what you had learned in these last few weeks.

You were strong enough, you didn't need to take his life to get out of this situation. Even if none of the avengers would have said anything about you defending yourself like this, knowing they would kill him without a second thought.

But it was not them, who you wanted to proof this to. You wanted to see it for yourself, that you had truly learned, that you could control yourself and the Devora within you to work together.

The power and anger that usually would take you over in moments like this crept through your muscles, strenght growing withing you as you could feel your blood burn in your veins.

You angled your feet upwards, pushing against his lower body with no effort to lift him off of you, kicking him into the air like a soccer ball. You had underestimated how strong you were, as he landed nearly 30 feet away, gasping as all air was pressed out of his lungs upon impact with the ground, but he still tried to get up.

You ran towards him, your feet flying over the forest floor with ease, punching his throat and up into his jaw. He tried to block your attacks, but he had trouble to keep up with your speed and strength, as you landed hit after hit, trying to knock him to the ground again. Your training with Bucky made you so much better at offense, he never stood a chance.

He stumbled back from another hit to his face, spewing blood out at you. Not giving him any time to recover, you spun around to knock him over with a kick, a swift motion that let him fall for good, groaning and coughing from the harsh hits you had landed on his chest, probably breaking a few ribbs in the process.

You let yourself fall onto him, knee on his back as your hand grabbed onto his hair, lifting his face out of the dirt while your other hand went to his forehead, trying to finally reach his mind.

And you could immediately see the reason your control had failed on him.

There was a barrier in his head, harsh and blinding, as you searched for an entry to his thoughts.

This was Hydras doing, you recognized it immediately. There had been others like this guy, who had a veil or a layer around their minds, as if it was protected, controlled by something else. Brainwashed.

But his was so much stronger, so much thicker, that your power had no way into it. Not without force. But if his mind had to be protected like this, then he had to know something important.

Hot searing pain ran through you, it was burning your skin, pulsing behind your eyes as you pressed through the barrier, bit by bit.

You were groaning at the sensation, clenching your jaw as it got harder and harder to keep yourself from screaming out. It was nearly too much.

The man had started to shout and squirm as you managed to get through, but holding yourself in his thoughts was just as horrid as getting into them. Your body was screaming at you to stop, as you couldn't hold back the cries that were ripping through your chest.

It was there, his memories, his orders, all laid out like a perfectly organized folder, as if someone had prepared it for you.

Of course it was Hydra.

He was one of their Agents, but not as simple as you thought. He was trained, he was manipulated. He was not a weapon, like some of their other soldiers, he was supposed to withstand. A man without a past, they had erased him before putting themselves into place exactly where they needed to be. And he was send out to kill you, by no one else then the one person who had made you into this creature you were today.

„Let her come, she will want to save them, no question. She might even bring her new friends“, Heyne said, talking to the soldier with an evil glint in his eyes.

„She'd be surprised what whe learned from all her visits. You won't fall against her, I know it. Make sure you're as close as possible, before killing her.“

Another memory followed. You could feel your fingers go numb, something thicker than tears streaming over your face as you tried to bite through to the next scenes.

Another person came up to him, you didn't recognize them. They explained the plan to him, how they would keep their distance, motion sensors placed around the forest to indicate your arrival at the scene, to then attack you. They had expected the whole team, not just three of you.

The person gave him his gun, saying, „Car is placed, the others are already here“

Who was he talking about? You searched further, deeper, wherever you could find something.

There was a location, it was important to him, important to whoever he worked for.

Brazil. Again. But this was way more detailed, hidden in a region nearly no humans had ever stepped into, underground laboratory. Amazon river.

Another one.

Heyne?

Who did they take?

You were desperately trying to catch more of his thoughts, as they slowly drifted off.

No. Not him. You were drifting off. You were going numb all over, your power was depleted.

'NO, not yet, where are they!?'

Where were the agents, what have they done to them?

Dead.

They were... dead? What?

Not yet, but soon. They used them, just like you. But none of them will make it...

You couldn't believe what you heard, couldn't believe the pictures the Devora pulled from the soldiers mind, showing you their faces. You recognized them, some of them. You had lived with them for months, had trained with them, had seen them grow strong and determined.

Now you saw something diffirent in them. Suffering, blodshot eyes, black potruding veins, clawing at their skin and drooling like rabid animals.

The will not live much longer.

You let go, falling back against something- someone.

There were two strong hands holding onto your arms.

Your head was spinning, vision red and blurry, chest heaving as you tried to suck in as much air as possible.

Someone was talking, but it was muffled, a face popped into your view as they leaned towards you.

You wanted to move, but you were shaking so violently that you couldn't even lift a finger.

Guilt was eating at your insides, making you feel sick. Or maybe it was the overexertion.

Whatever it was, that made your stomach churn, it was bad. And it only kept getting worse.

You tried your best to regain your senses, while someone touched your face, wiping at your skin, while your breathing slowed down.

The drumming in your head was getting less, while the ill taste in your mouth got worse.

„Still bleeding?“, you heard someone say as something was pressed under your nose.

It was Steve, the voice rumbling through the chest you were laying against.

„B-bend“, you stuttered out.

„Y/N“, he said, „Are you hurt, what happened?“

„Bend me over“, you whispered, voice shaking.

He was hesitating, but he tried to lean you forward while holding your shoulders tightly.

As soon as you sat upright, you doubled over, hurling up everything you had inside of you. Just in time.

It wasn't getting better, all you could do was wait and groan while you struggled to stop gagging.

„Jesus Christ“, you heard Clint mutter, as he tried to hold your hair back from your face, „Last time I saw something like this was when Thor brought some of that mead“

You whined as your stomach finally gave up, or maybe it had realized it was empty.

Whatever the reason was, you were thankful it was over.

„F-fuck me, that was awful“, you mumbled, voice hoarse.

„You okay?“, Steve asked.

He still held you firmly, arms now linked around your waist.

„mhhm“, you just gave back.

Your hands were twitching, your feet were tingling, you weren't sure if you could walk, but you wanted to get away from here, not sit infront of your own vomit anymore.

The second you tried to lift yourself up, your vision became blurred again, the red hue getting less with every other blink.

„I'll help you“, Steve said as he picked you up under your arms. He held you up like a toddler that had just started taking its first steps.

And you felt like it too, with your legs wobbling like jelly and your unsteady movements.

He was too tall for you to lay an arm around his shoulders, so you tried to hold onto his waist as he guided you back to the gas station, step by step.

You were panting as you sat down in the backseat, leaning your head against the doorframe.

„So, what exactly happened?“, Steve tried again, as he poured some water onto a cloth, before handing you the bottle.

You swirled some of the water in your mout and spit it out onto the ground, before taking a few greedy swigs „I don't fucking know what that was, but that dude was resistant to my powers, at least for the most part.“

Steve wiped at your face with the cloth, the fabric turning red in the process.

„You grilled him, Solros“, Clint said, sounding impressed.

„Did I kill anyone?“

„No, we got most of them, but that man...after you let go of him, he was just laying there. His heart gave out after while, I checked his pulse“, Clint answered you.

Your mouth went dry at that, meeting Steves concerned face, „I didn't mean to.. I didn't want to kill anyone this time“

„I know, but these people were out for us, we had to get rid of them. It doesn't mean you went against any rules“, he said.

„That's not the problem...“

Steve seemed to understand what you meant, „You did really well, you tried to keep us safe, that is what matters. And I'm sure you found some things In that guys head, right? All that effort couldn't have been for nothing“

Your eyes went wide as you remembered what you had seen, „It was Hydra. They kidnapped the agents and used them in their Experiment. I saw them- or he saw them. They probably won't make it....“

Clint cursed as he went around the car to throw the bow into the trunk.

„Are you sure? Maybe they could survive, you did too.“, Steve noted, crossing his arms infront of his chest.

„No...they were already hurting themselves. At that point there is no way to accept the Devora anymore, it means they would rather die then to keep going. I've seen it too often, when I searched for their bases, and found other people that they were still experimenting on, in various states. A human has to accept the Devora after the injection, otherwise it will try to take the person over, it will feed on their emotions and memorys, until nothing is left. And however strong the human resists, the longer their death will be delayed, but they never live longer than a year at most. Unrecognizable and wild at that point“

It was hard to think back to all of Hydras victims, not just the humans, but the specimen they used on them, those that they kept caged up and left to rot away for eternity.

They didn't say anything at that, but you didn't miss the pity in their eyes.

„We should call the headquarters and tell them about this“, Clint suggested before getting his phone out, „Shit, Nat called. Like ten times.“

In that moment you heard the sound of an engine, drawing closer to the parking lot.

Shortly after, you saw a motorbike coming to a halt not far from you. It was Bucky.

As soon as he turned the engine off, he hurried over to the car, grim expression and tight jaw.

He was looking straight at you then, face falling and eyes wide.

„What the hell did you do?“, he growled at Steve as he halted right in front him

„Why are you here, you were supposed to be with-“

„I know what I'm supposed to do, but none of you picked up the calls, no one knew what was going on, Clint sends a text that you found their demolished car and nothing else. You know how worried we were. It's been nearly two hours since then!“, Bucky barked at him, eyes shifting back to you again.

But you were still so tired that you didn't care about the spark in his eyes when he scanned you over.

„Is she okay?“, his voice was a lot softer suddenly, „What's with her face?“

„Not sure yet, she probably overdid it“, Steve said while watching back and forth between you both, as if this interaction confused him, „We were attacked. Without her, we might've been overrun by Hydra.“

Buckys clenched his hands into fists at that.

„It was a trap. They sent someone I can't control, someone whose mind I couldn't get into, or so they thought. That Doctor sent him, Heyne.“

„Heyne?“, Clint asked, as if he had never heard that name before.

„You can't be serious“, Bucky said quietly, his eyes filled with horror at whatever he conected with that name.

„They know I'm a part of the Avengers now, and that I would come for the Agents. I knew them... And they want to kill me for good now. They don't care about my experiment anymore, I'm too dangerous to be left alive, too dangerous for them. Especially now that I have a team of heroes to help me“

You sighed looking at your feet hanging out of the car, „They know how to keep me out of their heads now, mostly. It was...really hard to get in there“

Clint scoffed, „Hard? You had a death-grip on that guy, screaming your soul out as if you were burning alive, blood running out of your eyes and nose. And you wanna talk about how you-“

„Yea okay I get it, sorry. I didn't want to disturb anyone, but I had to.“, you interrupted him before he could bring up how you had puked all over the forest floor.

„It was really unsettling, yes, but you don't need to be sorry. You found out the informations we needed“, Steve said.

Bucky looked conflicted, as if he wanted to move from his spot, but couldn't. Hands twitching forward for a second before he stuffed them into his jacket.

„Were did you get that bike?“, you asked, not wanting to think about what you had done anymore.

He looked over to the motorcycle, as if he had already forgotten it, „Oh...I was on the coast with the others, and after we couldn't reach you I decided I would come here by myself. I didn't think about it, to be honest. But I guess I stole it“

„Oh wow“, Steve said looking at him completely baffled, „You try to make us feel bad when you committed an actual crime“

„It was neccessary“

„No“, Clint and Steve said in unison.

„We can call the county and tell them there is an abandoned bike here so they can pick it up“, you said.

„Only after S.H.I.E.L.D cleaned up, we don't want the locals to find a bunch of dead Hydra agents in their woods“

You all nodded at Clints suggestion.

After you had given your report to one of the S.H.I.E.L.D agents that came to take care of the scene, the group left. You were absolutely ready too sleep for at least a hundred years.

You were so exhausted. It was really hard to not leech your powers off other people, it made using them even more difficult. But you felt so much better than all those times you had taken lives. You'd take this headache and fatigue a million times over killing someone ever again.

Except...one of them died. Even if it wasn't your intention.

On your flight back you sat between Bucky and Steve. You were ready to move away, so they could sit together, but they refused. Steve had joked that you might need a shoulder were your head could lay, but you weren't sure if it was going to stay a joke or not, since you were so fucking tired.

It didn't stay a joke.

You fell asleep immediately as the jet went up into the air, but it wasn't Steves shoulder that you woke up from when you landed.

„I don't mind“, Bucky said as you tried to apologize, and offered you to sleep on his shoulder on the drive from their airport to the complex. Making you nervous, as always.

So when you refused to close your eyes in the car, he silently laughed at your stubbornness.

Steve brought you to your room, leaning against the doorframe for a moment as you opened the door and went inside.

„Whatever you need, I'm right across the hallway. Just in case. Call me or come by, I'm not a heavy sleeper.“

You nodded, thanking him quickly, before saying goodnight.

„Oh, one more thing“, he said before you could close the door, „I actually ate one of your protein-bars, I hope you don't mind“

You gave him a tired smile, „No way you snooped around in my stuff“

„I heard you, when you told clint, I couldn't resist“, he chuckled before saying good night as well.

'I knew he heard me'

Chapter Text

It was night. Dark and ominous. Quiet.

Your hands were running over the soft grass you sat in, feeling it tickle your fingertips every now and then as you looked down at it. Everything was so peaceful here, so calm.

Another hand came into your view, grabbing onto yours, stopping you in the motion. A strange fluttering welled up in your chest, a strong sense of safety. A curiosity.

He held your hand so dearly, so carefuly.

„What do you think?“

Your looked up as his voice cut through the night. It was the first time he had spoken yet.

His tone was diffirent from what you were used to. Maybe a version of him you never got to meet, but someone you really wanted to know.

He was younger, his hair was so short and his eyes so playful. He was a completely diffirent person.

„What should I think?“, you asked him.

„Do you see me now?“

You looked at him in confusion, „I could always see you.“

„Not really“, he chuckled has he held your hand up to his mouth to breathe a kiss onto its back, „I know it's hard to find me, but I'm still here“

You shook your head, as if that could clear your thoughts.

But he took your face into his hands. You realized they were both warm. Flesh.

Your chest was tight, an unspoken understanding in the space inbetween the two of you.

He kissed your forehead, his lips were soft, gentle...confident.

„Can you wait for me?“, he asked and searched your eyes for an answer that you were unable to give.

And you never got the chance to, as another voice broke the silence.

„желаниe .“

Your head whipped around and suddenly the scene infront of you changed.

The meadow had vanished, leaving you standing on harsh firm ground. The walls were high, concrete. A man stood there, a face you would recognize anywhere.

„pжавый .“, he said

„Don't let him-“, the other mans hands were not with you anymore, the loss of his warmth letting fear rise in your chest, as you looked around for him.

He was standing behind you, fist clenched into his shirt as he looked at you with horror in his eyes.

„семнадцать .“

„Stop!“, you screamed as you turned back towards the scientist.

But he didn't listen, as if you weren't even there.

„Y/N“, his voice was strained, as if he was fighting himself to keep talking.

And when you looked at him this time, he was gone.

Gone was the young man who had all those stars in his eyes, that would sparkle when you looked at him, the man whose life was still worth living, was still worth fighting for.

„James...“, you whispered.

But the man in front of you, whose hair was long and unkempt, whose metal arm was reflecting the light of the room, whose eyes weren't cold but anxious. He didn't react to you calling for him.

He was in pain. And as his mouth opened you expected him to scream-

But you woke up instead.

There was a knock at your door.

And even though you were desperatlely trying to calm your racing heartbeat and process your dream, that had felt just as real as all the others before, you climbed out of your bed.

You were still confused, your head didn't come down to earth yet, so as you opened the door, you didn't realize you were only wearing a shirt and underwear. What you usually slept in.

But Steve didn't know that, just stood there, mouth hanging slightly open, blinking a few times before he averted his gaze.

„I'm so sorry, I didn't know you were still sleeping“, he said, his voice a lot higher than usual.

„Yeah, I was...I had a weird dream. Did you need something?“

You were still tired, obviously, and your eyes were still adjusting to the light as you rubbed the sleep away.

„We were just wondering why you weren't at Breakfast this morning, and you didn't answer your phone or friday so I came to see if you were alright.“, he tried to keep himself composed while letting his eyes wander around the hallway.

„Oh, huh. What time is it?“, you asked, yawning behind your hand.

„Around 5pm“

You had slept that long?

„I guess I needed it...“, you looked at him with an apologetic smile, „Thank you for waking me up then“

„Of course“, he met your gaze for a few seconds before he chuckled nervously, „You should get ready, I'll make sure to let the others know you're fine“

You nodded at him before he was speeding down the hallway.

Only after you stepped into the bathroom and saw yourself in the mirror you realized why he had acted so weird.

You closed your eyes for a moment, trying to quell the shame that you suddenly felt.

He really gets to see every side of you

„Oh my god, shut up!“, you hissed, shaking off your embarrassement.

The Devora was loving every second of your misery, sending you a picture of Steve wide eyes and rosy tint up to the tip of his ears.

'Evil' , you thought but it just kept laughing at you.

Steve definetely had trouble to meet your eyes when you came into the common area in front of the kitchen, Wanda and Vision were with him, sitting snug on a sofa, quietly talking to eachother.

„Good morning, or evening I should say“, you walked up to them trying to ignore the warmth that spread around your face when you looked at Steve.

Wandas eyes lit up as she saw you: „You're awake, I thought you'd never get up. How are you?“

„Still tired, also very hungry...“, you shrugged your shoulders, „Was everything okay? Did we hear anything from S.H.I.E.L.D yet?“

Her smile faded a little.

Vision answered instead of her, resting one of his hands over her thigh, as if to tell her everything would be okay.

„They do believe what you saw, but it doesn't change anything. We got the choice to keep the mission and keep trying to find them, but Captain Rogers has told them, that they couldn't decide that yet, not until we talked to you“

„Me? Why? I don't have any say in this“, you shook your head at them.

„Yes, you do. You were personally affected by what you saw, we thought you didn't care about the Agents before, after you told us that you never involved yourself in personal affairs back in training. But I saw how bad you felt after...you looked into that guys head.“, Steve told you, sounding a lot more commercial all of a sudden.

„I was just worn out, and I think anyone would feel bad after seeing what Hydra does to their subjects. It's not pretty“, you gave back.

„No“, he crossed his arms in front of him, „ But most of us can keep our distance, but you are directly involved in those experiments and the Hydra Scientists who perform them. We declined the mission as a team-“, you already opened your mouth to complain as he said, „But! And that is the important part, we agreed that some of us would help.“

You closed your mouth again, thinking about it for a moment.

„It's for your own good, Y/N“, Vision said and nodded at Steve, „None of us want to wait something like this out, but we cannot risk you to relapse after you just found yourself again.“

„You just decided that I won't be able to do it. But I know exactly what I'm capable of now, and how far I can push myself, before it gets too much. I've been licking my wounds in here for months, I have done everything to earn my place in this team, I-“, your breath hitched as the realization set in.

You were mad. Mad at them for not trusting in your ability to control yourself, even after you tried to prove yourself on that mission. You'd thought it would be enough.

„You are a part of us now, but that doesn't mean you have to be endangered for no reason. We wouldn't send Wanda into one of those facilities either“, Vision tried to reason as you breathed through the heavy feeling of dissapointment.

So it was for nothing. No trust was built, nothing was proven. Your hands were shaking as you felt all the hope that had kept you going through these months leave you. You crossed your arms over your chest, trying to hide the oncoming anxiety from them.

But you were sure they didn't miss how you were clenching your jaw.

„What about Bucky? Is he allowed to go into those facilities?“

The silence was enough for you.

„So you let him go there, even though out of all of us he is most at risk to-“, your voice broke at the image that popped into your head.

The change from the young man to the broken soldier, trying to hold onto the last bit of his essence, the last of what made him human.

„He is aware, but whatever Hydra did to him was completely eliminated. By someone professional. Even though he has been the most affected out of you, he has the least risk to fall back into their hands“

Of course. You hadn't forgotten that he has spent such a long time in wakanda, where they had undone all the brainwashing.

You stomach was twisting as you imagined all that he had gone through. Even now after he was free of their claws, it would always follow him, wherever he went, whatever he would do.

Whatever weird bond your mind has formed with the Bucky from your dreams was getting to you. It was unbelievably tough to deny your worry for him. You wanted them to never let him near Hydra ever again, not him, even if he wasn't the man from your dreams, that would hold you so dearly.

„Sure“, you said, tone clipped. You didn't want to keep thinking about him. Not this way, not in front of them. So close to loosing the bit of composure you had left, „Whatever, If you already decided this, I can't do anything about it."

As you turned around to head towards the kitchen, you heard Wanda whisper your name. She was worried. Of course. Would they ever stop worrying about you? What else did you have to do for them to see you the way that you saw yourself now...was it really too much to ask?

You had wanted to eat dinner with the others at first, but now that you were so agitated...Not a good Idea. So instead you grabbed whatever you could find in the fridge. Fruits and a small sandwich was all you could get, without giving them too much time to see you overthinking every part of your life.

You rushed into the elevator and went up to the 5 ^th floor, ignoring whatever was going on in the living room and went straight for the roof.

August was nearing its end, the very light chill in the air was a good indicator that fall was waiting to take it's place over the world.

You had planned ahead for fall, what you would do with your greenhouse, how much you needed to prep. You never had a greenhouse before, so you weren't sure just how much longer your summer plants would survive, but surely it would take longer. And you were glad about that, seeing that the sunflowers had grown into their prime now, soaking in whatever sunlight was falling through the glass.

It melted your heart, whenever you looked at them. The sentimental hold these flowers had on you was crazy, but understandably so.

It was one of your fondest memories of your mother. The first flowers you had grown in your garden at home, the one thing she had loved so much, that they were everywhere. On pillows, oven gloves, pictures, mugs. She even had a little ribbon for her sun-hat with sunflowers on them. She wore it so much that you had trouble thinking about her without that hat on.

Or at least...the moments you allowed yourself to remember.

It was bittersweet, that all your memories of them were so beautiful, yet they felt unreal. You knew that...knew that it was just a fragment of what you allowed yourself to be reminded of.

You sat down on the little wooden stool you had gotten from the second hand store. Even though you had only wanted to buy furniture for your room, you couldn't help but get some things for the rooftop as well, since you spent so much time up here. You did your best to make it look pretty. Some fairy lights, a few more chairs and an actual table, so the ashtray didn't have to keep standing on that sad little bucket.

It definetely improved the coziness of the roof. And it distracted you from the fact that your own room still wasn't done, as there just was no actual time or plan yet to renovate it. But this way you had more time to think of what else could be improved in there.

For now this rooftop was your only safe space.

The sandwich tasted dull to you, even though you were so hungry, you had trouble getting it down at first. Everything that you had done up to this point would be for nothing if they couldn't trust you.

It wasn't for nothing.

You swallowed. If only you could believe that.

Who says they don't trust you?

That had to be a trick question. It was so obvious that they couldn't trust you, were thinking that you couldn't control yourself. That you were still a confounder for the group and their reputation.

And you had just started feeling so safe with them...

What a shame.

The door to the rooftop creaked. You looked up, expecting Wanda to have followed you, maybe to talk about the weird discussion you had. Even though you really didn't want to talk to them yet, not after you got so emotional infront of them again. But it wasn't Wanda.

No. Worse.

It was Bucky.

If there was anything worse than having to talk about your feelings, it was seeing they guy who had cradled your face in your dreams.

„Am I allowed up here?“, he asked as he looked at you a little cautious.

You realized that you'd pierced him with your eyes the whole time he walked towards the doors of the greenhouse.

Relax, he's exactly what you need.

As if the Devora would know what you needed.

Remeber, your thoughts are all mine. I know everything about you. Maybe even more.

You shuddered at that, but tried to let the tension fall from your face.

„No, it's okay. This isn't my rooftop“, you sighed.

„It's not? Sure looks like it, if you ask me“, he said looking around.

„Why are you here?“, you came straight to the point, not in the mood for much smalltalk.

He looked rather uncomfortable standing there, right on the threshhold, as if he wasn't allowed inside the greenhouse, „I was talking to Sam in the living room and then you came rushing through, looking rather...disturbed“

He picked the word carefully, but you knew you had been looking like you were on the verge of another breakdown. It was still hard to control your emotions, when you had a little parasite that loved to exaggerate them, whenever he had the chance to.

It didn't like that word. And you felt bad immediately.

„I'm fine, you can go back to Sam“, maybe it was too snippy, maybe he just didn't take any of your bullshit, but even before you had finished that sentence, he rolled his eyes at you.

„You are always like this“, he mumbled, frowning at you.

„Excuse me?“

„You still sit it out, even when everyone can see you're not well“

„Not like you are any better. What makes you think you can teach me anything about opening up?“, you snapped at him, before you could think about it.

„Exactly. I have my experience with shutting down and pushing people away. You just gave an excellent example of that by the way.“

You averted your eyes, feeling ashamed that he could tell so easily.

„You don't have to do this every time, no one judges you for being emotional“

But it was always just you, you never saw anyone else loose their face as much as you did.

He took a step forward, testing if you were okay with him coming in.

You didn't say anything, but as you watched him- the way his eyes softened, the way they sparkled a little in the low light of the sun that was shining through the windows, your heart felt heavy.

Bucky. Not your Bucky, not the man that was so caring towards you, that touched you so delicately.

But close. And you couldn't help but wish he knew about him. Knew how much this man from your dreams meant to you. It was strange, of course. But you had longed for someone, for that sort of relationship. Only realizing it now that your head was creating those scenarios while you were asleep.

Whatever it was, that you saw in this Bucky, it held your heart in a grip so tight it might break you.

He seemed to sense something had shifted and he took a few more steps, the hostility you had shown him gone.

So he sat down on the ground in front of you, leaning against the wooden planter behind him.

„I can accept, that you might not want to talk, but you shouldn't let those thoughts consume you so willfully. Always staying alone during these moments is not doing you any good, I thought you would've learned that by now“

You scoffed at him, „I did, I just have trouble breaking some of my habits“, you paused for a moment, debating if you should really tell him about your feelings or stay quiet, which he probably expected anyway.

„I always think, If it doesn't hurt anyone but me, its fine“

He nodded, understanding exactly what you meant, „There is a problem with that though. Which starts when you have people that care about you, they see you struggle and worry, which hurts them aswell. So you'll keep hurting them, even if you don't want to...“

„I don't think anyone cares about me that much“, you gave him a sad smile, „I have no friends or family with me anymore“

„I care about you. So do Steve and Wanda. I can't say how much the others care, but I know, that you are a part of us, of this team.“

It was the way he said it. His voice, his tone. That sweetness you had heard so many times, in your sleep. In your dreams.

It would've been nicer of him to hit you over the head with a brick, then whatever the hell he just did. Absolutely diabolical.

„You can definetely stay alone forever, just means you will have to make others worry about you. Constantly“

„That is not fair“, you whined.

„It's the truth. You will hurt them. Shatter their hearts. Make them cry“

„Okay, you're making fun of me now“, you glared at him.

He sniffed, „Maybe. Point still stands, this way it's just harder for everyone, and you're not the type of person that wants others to suffer“

You raised an eyebrow at him, „How do you know what kind of person I am?“

„I feel like you keep forgetting how much time we spent with eachother already...I didn't forget-“, he gave you a very serious look, taking a deep breath, „I didn't forget how easy it was to be with you, how much I liked talking to you, seeing you grow into such a confident person over time“

That was uncalled for.

You'd never heard him be so straight up nice to anyone. And even though you wanted to deny it, you knew he meant it. Just by the way he nervously tangled his fingers together, waiting for you to say something- anything.

Maybe you should accept the fact that you were your own enemy.

And as annoying as it was, you liked the way he watched you, liked the way he made you feel so fuzzy inside. Not just becasue of your dreams, but becasue this was genuine.

You craved it, before you could even tell what, you knew you wanted whatever this was.

Intimacy

Yeah. He gave you that, and it wasn't easy for him.

Which made this moment all the more important for you.

Even when you felt all those feelings you had for him being numbed the harder you thought about it. Like you weren't allowed to sense them, to understand them.

„I get that you might not see me as a person to trust, maybe you never will. And I won't ask you to trust me, but maybe you could confide in me, whatever you need, I want to be here to help you.“

If he knew, just how much you already wanted to trust him. How much had changed for you.

Because if there was a person that you would go to, that you knew would understand you, it would be him. Or wanda.

Why shouldn't you tell him? Was there any reason to keep it a secret?

„I want to trust you“, it wasn't as hard to say it as you thought, „And I don't think you are the problem, that keeps me from doing that. It's me, I don't trust myself. Because I keep pushing people away, even if I can tell that I really need someone who I can show all of me...“

Your words had much more impact on him than you would have expected. He was shifting around, unsure, confused what to think about it. If you could really meant it. There was also some sadness behind his eyes. But not in a bitter kind of way.

„We can be that person for each other...I would like to try at least.“, he said softly.

You gave him an incredulous look, „You got Steve“

„Steve is my best friend. He is the person that has known me for most of my life, that has seen me at my worst and would have given his life for me. But he will always be the one person I could never disappoint. There are parts of me I can't show him or tell him about, no matter how much he claims he could handle it. Because he will always feel the absence of the man I once was. I feel safe with him. But that doesn't mean he would understand it.“

„And how will I know, that we won't be dissapointed with eachother then?“

He looked up at you, „You think I have any right to judge you or your actions? Your thoughts and feelings?“

„Everyone does that, even if they don't realize it“, you shrugged your shoulders.

„I don't think I could. Not with you.“, he gently shook his head, as if he had trouble grasping why you would even think that, „There is still so much good in you, after all. I could never see anything else.“

Why was he so sure about that?

„You think you aren't good anymore...“, you said.

It wasn't a question, but he still answered, „I think I can never be good again. There is so many things that I can never redeem-“

„But your past isn't what defines you. This is who you are. A person who looks after his people, someone that can see past faults and mistakes. That will make sure no one ever has to feel the same as you did.“

His body tensed as you interrupted him.

„I don't believe that a person is incapable of change. Everyone can be good and not everyone might see that. But I do. I can see how hard you try and even if I would like to deny it, you were one of the only people here, who could really give me hope, that there was a way to get out of all the dirt and grime my past has left in my head. Because you did it... You are not him anymore, yet you act like you deserve to be treated like you're still the Winter Soldier.“

He looked like he wanted leave. Looked like he wanted to escape your words and the thoughts that came with them.

He was hurt by what you said, but you knew it was the truth. And that he had to accept that one way or another.

He had tried to console you, give you the choice to change. He'd rather give you that choice than himself.

„You are not as strong inside as you say. And you deserve to have someone that trusts in you, just like I do“

„Then stop hiding“, he bit out, „If you can show me that you can trust yourself, then so will I.“

For some reason it didn't bother you, that he sounded so agitated. Quite the contrary. It was finally an emotion he didn't play around, that he didn't try to supress. Something real.

He stood up then. Probably trying to escape this conversation, but you stopped him, standing face to face with him as he tried to manage his anxiety.

He didn't try to move you out of the way, didn't say anything. Just stared back at you with so much hurt in his face.

You were nervous, didn't know what you wanted from him, what you had planned to tell him. It was just your first instinct. To keep him from leaving.

Not your Bucky?

He wasn't, no.

But it was all you could think of in this moment. So close to him. Under the same piercing blue eyes that you kept dreaming of.

You lifted your hands, hovering them just over the fabric of his shirt, waiting for him to draw back from it, to deny your touch, but he didn't. Just kept staring at you as his breathing grew restless.

Your hands ran over his arms, feeling the wide diffirence between his warm skin and the cold metal. It was tender, it was much more sensitive than you had wanted it to be at first, but it felt right.

„I trust you.“

His eyes widened slightly as you grabbed his hands, looking down at them as if it wasn't real.

„I trust that you can change, I trust in the person you can become. And I want to trust myself, if that can help you find a reason to keep trying to find the good in you.“

It wasn't difficult, it wasn't forced. What you said was exactly what you felt, the actual truth that you had been replacing with new worries all this time.

That you had wanted to burry in fear of actually having to open up and feel all of this mess.

He kept staring at your hands in silence, his mouth opened a few times as if he tried to say something, but couldn't find the right words.

You tried your best to stay calm, but deep down you were going absolutely crazy about what the hell you were doing. It might've been too much.

But there was a hestitant tug on your hands, as he tried to hold them as well, but stopped right away.

It was a lot. For you and for him, of course. But you wouldn't have been able to stay away from this comforting warmth that you felt with him.

And he had offered you to stay there, in that warmth. Offered to give you the intimacy you needed, even if he might not feel the same about you.

„I'll stop hiding from this...“, you said.

And after a few moments of more silence, he finally answered you, „So will I.“

There was no more confusion in his eyes, no more anxiety or anger.

It was...something else, that was hard to explain, but it made your heart beat just a tiny bit faster.

„I want to be the person you see in me...“

You had trouble thinking about anything else but the soft gaze he gave you. How could this guy be so oblivious to his own actions.

It was too much, too close.

You let go of him, suddenly very overwhelmed from his presence. The numbness was laying itself over your perception again.

He retracted a bit, as he felt you tense up.

„I'm sorry“, he said but you shook your head.

„I just...I don't want to ask too much of you.“

„How could you“, he said as he let his gaze wander over your face, „You could never be too much for me“

Your couldn't take it much longer. The weird haze that was swirling inside of you when you looked at him was too much.

„I'm tired“, you whispered, not trusting your voice to keep as steady as you needed it to be right now, „I think I will go lay down again, I need to get my energy back.“

He nodded, reluctantly. As if he didn't wan't you to go.

But you had to.

And you left him there on the rooftop. Standing in the same spot for at least a few minutes, staring down at his hands in silence. Didn't see the horror on his face as he realized what just happened.

Your rapid heartbeat still ringing through his ears, as the fear finally took him over. Once and for all.

Chapter Text

He couldn't keep his promise.

He'd failed you the very moment you left that rooftop.

Didn't even take long. Just a few minutes before the fear and insecurities settled in his mind.

So many thoughts and feelings would wash over him. So many questions and scenarios, that he wasn't able to concentrate on anything but you.

He couldn't come close to you, couldn't stand being near you anymore.

And soon he was shying away from you, keeping his distance, keeping away as far as he could, suffocating at the loss of your presence.

Was that not what he wanted? To have your trust? To feel conected? It was his idea after all...

Every day he thought about the things you had told him, how honest you had been. Not like most people, who would just tell him that he was doing enough, that he was doing his best.

But you knew he had found comfort in the loneliness, because you had been the same.

And you thought he was good.

You.

Of all people.

He looked down at his fingers, the cold water of the shower running over his hands as he remembered the way you held them.

Your touch.

It was no use. He couldn't shake it off, that feeling, the softness of your skin. Such a contrast to his own- rough and scarred.

And so warm.

Bucky liked the cold more. The memory of them freezing him, the relief he had felt, knowing he would be free from them for as long as he stayed in cryo-sleep. That they couldn't hurt him in there.

But you were always so warm, your skin was radiating so much heat on some days that he always wondered how you could even go around wearing long sleeves or shoes.

It was growing on him. Comforting him even.

And it was only getting harder to ignore how much closer he wanted to be to you.

With every passing day he felt more and more lost in his own world, in what he once tried to believe was a normal life. But nothing was real anymore, he was questioning everything he saw and felt, everything that he was used to.

You confused him.

So he had to avoid you.

It started with him sitting further away from you or leaving the room when you entered. Barely ever talking to you.

But it was not helping. In fact it made it so much more devastating. When you weren't looking, weren't aware he was there. His eyes always layed on you from afar. Following your every move, taking in every word you spoke, as if it kept him alive.

He was waiting for this feeling to be over, to magically dissapear at some point. With one of those sad looks you gave him, those annoyed scoffs when he ignored you on purpose.

But he always stared after you when you left, no matter how bad he felt. He couldn't help it.

He couldn't remember a time where he felt like this. It's been too long, too far away to grasp. Nothing about it made any sense to him.

The cool water was barely helping against the heat in his body whenever he thought about you, his skin was burning up at the memory of your scent. Like a visceral reaction to his denial.

So he stood there, letting the water stream over his head, eyes closed and hands braced on the tiled wall, hoping it would soon be over.

He couldn't stop thinking about the disappointment you must be feeling.

How long would you just deal with him being so distant, before you would fall back into your old ways.

He'd told you he would help, but now he just made it worse. With every passing day you stopped reaching out for him, as if there was nothing left to hold onto.

Weeks had passed, it was in the middle of october that you finally had enough of his bullshit.

And to be fair, he had expected much worse- he had hoped for something worse. So that he could stop seeing you look so hurt all the time.

He had returned from a mission with Natasha, nothing long, two days that he'd been gone. But when he came back to the complex and greeted everyone in the kitchen but you, it was over.

Your patience had run out.

„Fucking dickhead“, you spit out, shoving right past him to get out of the room, leaving everyone in pure shock.

Even him. For a moment.

„What was that about?“, Natasha asked him.

„Don't know“, he grumbled.

Even though he'd waited for you to finally give him something back, to not let him treat you like this, it was hard to think that you might go back to hating him.

It was his decision to act this way, he didn't give you the chance to fix it, to help recover what had sparked between the two of you.

He decided that it had to end. He deserved to be called much worse than 'dickhead'.

„Well whatever it was, you better go fix it!“, Sam said as he looked at him with disapointement.

„I don't care about he“, he said.

It was such a harsh lie, that he was taken back by his own words.

Steve went after her. Like always.

His chest felt tight at the thought of you getting comforted by someone else. And he knew Steve would be able to take good care of you, no matter what.

Maybe he was jealous that he could be there for you, instead of Bucky.

But it wasn't his place to be jealous, becasue this had been his own doing.

Steve was a better man than him. You would see that in no time.

There was no way that he could give in to all these feelings, that kept building up.

The more you drifted away from him, the more he needed you.

A vicious cycle.

He stepped out of the shower, drying himself quickly before putting on his clothes for the day. It was still early, but he had recieved a message from friday that all Avengers wer to arrive in the conference room at 7am. He had to take a quick shower before heading down, to wash away the sweat and the nightmares.

There had been a few nights were he couldn't remeber dreaming, those were good, but he always awoke with the same feeling.

Fear.

At least one constant in his life, after all the shit he had fabricated over the past weeks.

As he arrived at the conference room, some others were already there, still half asleep. You sat besides Steve, as he kept telling you about something.

You laughed, making him blush.

There was a sting in his chest as heard you. Saw how much lighter you felt around anyone but him.

As he came into the room, your smile died down, a cold gaze laid over your soft features.

„Good morning“, Steve said to him, oblivious to your change of nature.

„Morning“, he mumbled before taking a seat far away from you both.

It took a while until everyone had appeared. Stark being the last one, as always.

„Any plans for the weekend?“, he asked the group, not really waiting for an answer, „I got something that you might be interested in, a fun little activity to keep the team spirits high“, his eyes shifted towards Bucky.

He had to ignore it, he always did.

„The laboratory was found. The one Solros had described. S.H.I.E.L.D sent some people out already, but the assessment came back unsafe. They want us to get to the bottom of it, literally.“

He looked over towards you, who had gone pale at Stark's words.

„We're infiltrating a Hydra base? Just us?“, Clint asked pointing at the others in the room.

„Not just us, we are getting backup by other agents, but with the possibility of the missing agents sitting out in that lab, waiting for mercy, S.H.I.E.L.D wants to take this as serious as possible. We are all going. This Friday we fly out to brazil.“

„All of us?“, you asked.

„Yes, this is your mission after all.“, Stark told her with a smirk, „Not that I had to be reminded by Fury over and over, but he want's to make sure you'l come with us“

You nodded, leaning back in your chair. Steve immediately had a hand on your shoulder, as if he knew you weren't as calm inside as you seemed.

Bucky saw it. In your eyes. How nervous you were. And as he stared at you, wondering if he'd ever get the chance to show you any comfort again, the same way his best friend did, he nearly missed the way you held his gaze. Looking straight back at him, with so many thoughts storming around behind those eyes.

There was no chance to act like it was only a glance. You'd seen him, the worry he felt.

„We have more information about the situation though, clear instructions and warnings. Read the file please. We can discuss all the questions you have tomorrow morning. For now all I can say is, this won't be an easy ride. S.H.I.E.L.D has a hunch that this is the place where Dr. Heyne sits, far from any civilisation. It's just a suspicion though.“

Heyne.

Buckys blood ran cold at that name. He could remeber him so well. His obsession with the Winter Solider.

He could still recount all those days he had to stay with him, had to watch over him. Serve him.

How the scientist had openly admitted to him, that he liked seeing him suffer. And that he would never have another handler after him.

Even though he never was his handler, he had just acted like it. Because Hydra had allowed it. Or not, since the head of the project had broken a lot of contracts to keep the Soldier with them.

But most of all he could recall all the things he saw him do to you.

Your screams that had echoed in his head while he had to watch you get tortured over and over again. And Heynes satisfied reaction, whenever you would reach new level of anguish.

Back then he hadn't felt anything for you. But today those memories made his skin crawl.

He could tell you felt the same way, with your tight shoulders and lips pressed into a thin line.

„Prepare yourselves. Genuienly. I don't want anyone to embarrass us infront of the other agents“

Starks stupid jokes where completely out of place in this moment.

„Is that all we came here for?“, Wanda asked.

Tony nodded, „Yup.“

Some of them groaned at him, but he didn't care. Just told everyone that they could also ask Friday to give them a summary if they were too lazy to read.

You were the first person to leave, all but storming out of the room.

This time Steve didn't go after you, probably knowing this was something he couldn't handle, or wouldn't be able to help you with.

Bucky could. Because he knew all about it. But he didn't dare to go after you.

Even if he would've changed his mind now, there was no way you'd let him talk to you.

He spent the rest of the day reading through the file, taking notes on what he should talk about with the others, his ideas for a plan, whatever came to his mind, and kept it occupied. So he didn't have to think about you.

Which was basically impossible.

The night to friday was horrible. His nightmares had taken a new shape for once.

It was gruesome and vile, as always.

But that night he dreamed of you.

Suffering right in front of his eyes. In the the hands of Hydra- in his hands.

Heyne was there, telling him again and again to kill you. While you couldn't even speak. He saw your pleading eyes, as you suffocated in his grip, as he slit your throat, as he put the gun to your head, as he felt your neck twist in his hands. The scientists voice booming in his head whenever he started over.

' Your time to shine sergeant Barnes '

And everytime he turned towards a new version of you, there was the same look on your face. Betrayal.

He shot up, sheets twisted around his body, trying desperately to catch his breath. His lungs were burning, his throat was sore. He felt his hands shaking as he tried to get out of bed, the panic that was roaming through his body making him feel sick.

He needed to get out of there, he needed to get away from this fucking bed.

While he walked around the room for a few moments, trying to recollect his thoughts, the sight of you flashed up in his mind. Your lifeless body. Bloody, twisted. Another wave of panic ran through him as he wiped the sweat off his forehead.

Water. He needed water, he needed to cool down, needed to go somewhere that wasn't his room. Just out of here.

Without another thought he went down to the kitchen, wearing nothing but sweatpants and his dogtags around his neck, his hair clung to his head, sweat all over his shivering body. The complex was quiet and dark, everyone was asleep.

As he stepped out of the elevator on the third floor, his breathing had pretty much stabilized.

The light of the fridge the only thing illuminating the room around him as he took a few swigs of whatever bottle he had grabbed first. He leaned back against the counter, running his hands through his hair to free his face. The air was colder here then in his room. The fridge probably helped too. He was still buzzing, but surely and slowly his panic vanished, leaving him feeling empty and wrecked. There was no way he could go back to sleep now, not like this.

The time on the other side of the fridge told him it was 4 in the morning. He had made it through most of the night, maybe he could just stay up and go to the gym instead.

He sighed and closed the fridge, making his way back to the elevator, his naked feet on the tiles the only sound he could hear. Until-

The little lounge area in front of the kitchen was dark, just a bit of light from the moon and city shining in through the windows. But he saw it. Someone sat there right at the window, staring out into the night.

„Y/N...“, he couldn't help the pain in his voice.

Seeing you sitting there with the pale light of the night touching your face. Alive.

Something in him split open. Cracking like an egg and letting all the heavy feelings flow out into him, melting his insides. Too weak and drained from the nightmare to do anything about it.

You looked at him, calm and well aware of his presence.

„How long have you been sitting there“, he asked. His mouth was dry as sandpaper, even after all that water he had been drinking.

„I was here first“, you gave back, letting your eyes wander over him, taking in just how disheveled he

was, „Why are you here?“

Your voice was distant, but still a little intrigued, as if you knew something was up with him.

„Nothing, just...thirsty“, he said quietly, scared to keep talking to you, to see just how much damage those weeks had done between you two.

You hummed at him, pulling your knees up onto the chair you sat in, hugging them to your chest as you gaze turned back to the city outside.

It was his sign to leave, that you didn't want to talk or see him. And he wanted to listen...

But he couldn't stop taking you in, that you were infact not hurt, that he hadn't killed you.

He couldn't leave.

„Why are you up?“ Just for a bit. Let me have her just for a while.

„Couldn't sleep, probably for the same reasons that you had to gulp down that water like a horse“

„Oh, I'm a horse now? I thought I was a dickhead“, he didn't want it to sound so sarcastic, but he had been a bit taken back by the comparison.

„You are, don't get it twisted, Barnes. You can shove your stupid smirk right up your ass“

He had never heard you talk like that before, and something about the way you said it made him want to hear more of it. Even if you hated him, this was better then seeing those sad eyes every time you were in the same room together.

„Are you worried about the mission?“

You tensed as he asked that question. He wasn't sure why he did it in the first place, but he wanted to take every second of this before going back into his room. He could still feel the nightmares linger.

„Would be weird if I wasn't. I have been searching for Heyne for over a decade. And now I'm so close to...“, your voice cracked.

He felt a twinge of guilt, that he had spoken up about it, seeing how distraught you clearly were.

You looked like you were about to cry for a moment, before you snapped your eyes towards him- So angry, „I won't tell you shit about this. You have no right to know about my feelings or worries ...not when you still keep that stupid act up“

He tensed, „What are you talking about?“

He tried to sound nonchalant, which he failed terribly.

„You thought I woudln't realize what you're doing? How you keep your distance from me, like never before? Acting all mean and uninterested in me right after we made a deal to help each other in trusting ourselves? I'm not stupid“

„I never thought you were stupid“, was all he said, unable to admit that you were seeing right through him.

„I knew it would be difficult for you, and I thought it would take a while before you could really open up to me. You made that deal for my sake, and I never wanted to pressure you into being friends or emotionally involved with me, but I actually believed that you meant it. That you would at least try . I was ready to be here for you, even if you were scared. But this? This bullshit you're doing? It's kindergarten, childish, annoying, you're a fucking Idiot“

You were so angry...

and so wrong about what he was doing. Or rather why he was doing it.

„It's not like that. Not entirely“

„Oh, of course“, you rolled your eyes, „You're gonna tell me that you weren't scared of having an actual person that would see who you really are? All of you?“

„I was, but not just that“

Stop talking

„I had no intention to do this, when we were up there. I really thought I could do it“

If I tell her about this, it's over

„But as I was standing there, thinking about how you were so willing to do this for me. I couldn't deal with it, with the possibility to not be enough again.“

It wasn't the whole truth, but the only one he could tell you...all his heart could take in that moment.

But you still didn't believe him, „You think this is easier, but I can assure you, that you will not convince me to keep away, by treating me like I don't exist. You're doing the exact same thing you warned me not to do- Pushing people away, so you don't hurt them“

„Please“, the word slipped out before he could hold it back.

It sounded so desperate, that you pricked up.

He tried to act like it was nothing, but you didn't take any of it.

„I will be mad, for however long you do this. I will see you as nothing but a dick, nothing but a man who is still too scared of his own mind“, your face loosened up a bit, „But I will always wait for you to keep that promise, and I will keep mine. I'll stay on the sidelines while you try to push me away, but I will not just leave. And I can't take no for an answer anyway, so whatever your plan was, you just fueled me even more to do the exact opposite“

He just couldn't take it. That after all this time he spent to demolish what little trust you had in him, you still saw someone good in him.

How was it possible that you kept holding on to that version of him so badly.

„Why...I don't deserve to-“, he shut his mouth instantly, clenching his teeth as he felt more of his feelings crawl to the surface.

„Everyone deserves a second chance. Or a third, in your case“

It was welling up, like a fountain, the things he'd tried to hide from you, threatening to spill over.

„You don't have to always hold out, for everyone else. You are not guilty, and you don't deserve to be lonely“

It was too much.

Always the same thought, the same wish.

To tell you just how much he wanted you to be with him.

„Can we-“, his voice was rough for a second, „Can we just pretend, for tonight, that I never wanted to hurt you“

„You never wanted to hurt me, I don't have to pretend. You're just trying to protect yourself“, now your eyes were truly warm,

So gentle and

Waiting.

For him. It was his choice, to keep up the act, or to let his walls down for you.

„Do you still trust me?“, he asked carefully.

„I do“, you didn't even have to think about it.

„Then tell me about what you're worried about...please“

You smiled at him, just slightly. But it warmed his chest, so much that he could nearly forget the horrible visions he had of you.

He sat down acorss from you, as you told him about your night.

And even while you were so somber, he couldn't help but appreciate every little thing about you. The way you would glance at him, how you made sure he was still comfortable with whatever you told him. Your soft voice, your careful words, to not remind him of anything from his past while you talked about Hydra.

'You don't deserve to be lonely '

Your words were constantly playing in his mind, even when he tried to pay close attention to you instead.

If that was true, then another question still stood.

Did he deserve to be with you? To be close to you? Could he be what you needed- what you wanted at all?

He made that promise, hoping he would learn it. But that was before he had felt your touch, before he had looked into your face so full of something that could only be described as... endearment.

Which was the direct moment he had fallen into this pit. When his emotions turned into a fucking hazard.

Maybe it was time to clear those thoughts, instead of pushing them away.

Time to let it swallow him whole, let him feel what you meant to him. Explore the deep-end of his heart, where he never wanted to return to.

Because as the morning sun began to rise on the horizon, there wasn't just a mutual understanding between you both anymore, it wasn't just trust.

It was something more. But there was no name to it yet.

And he would keep that feeling close this time. He wouldn't shove it back, wouldn't deny it to the point that it wanted to break out of it's confines like a caged animal.

In just these few hours before you had to face some of the worst parts of yourself, a life you had wanted to forget, he had already decided that he would never hide from you anymore, no matter what would happen.

Chapter Text

So tired...

You were listening to the rest of the team talking and discussing some of the plans all over again, while letting your eyes rest for a few moments. It was all you could get, after staying up the whole night.

But with every minute that you got closer to Brazil, your heart was beating a little faster.

What if Heyne really was there, how much would it cost you, to not kill him?

Even as the piece of human garbage that he was to you, he held too many informations. He had all the knowledge one could wish for, his age and dedication to Hydra were just a few of the reasons why S.h.I.E.L.D wanted him.

But you were still wishing for some turn or twist, that would give this guy just the right amount of justice that he deserved.No matter what that meant for your morality, this man deserved to suffer...

„Y/N, can I have one of your protein-bars?“, a voice called over to you from the other side of the jet.

Clint held your backpack up, nearly hitting Nat in the face with it.

You raised an eyebrow at him, „Didn't have time for breakfast?“

„Ah, you know, just wanna make sure I'm properly energized“, he grinned as some of the others chuckled at him.

You told him to take one. It wouldn't make that much of a diffirence anyway. There was no way they would ever come in handy during an actual fight.

Which you were expecting today.

You weren't exactly used to walk into Hydras bases with a whole team. And it scared you, that there was no easy way out this time. You couldn't just reap everyones souls and move on, you were going to be less strong, less durable. And they would be so much more dangerous.

Because they would still expect you to do the same thing- to suck the life out of them. If they were clever they would nuke you on sight.

Hopefully they weren't.

„You have a backpack full of protein-bars?“, Bucky asked from besides you, his voice immediately relaxed your strained nerves. So low and gentle.

You sat between him and Steve, their wide spread legs restricting your space from all sides. But they were both big guys, it was to be expected. No matter where you sat down, they would always surround you, as if you were going to run off any second, if they didn't stay close. And you might have been anxious, but you weren't going to let that take your chances to get Heyne.

„Kind of yeah“, you shrugged your shoulders, „Emergency rations“

He chuckled, „A whole backpack?“

„You're gonna be thankful about it one day, when you've been fighting for hours and hours and start feeling your stomach eat itself“, you said bumping your knee into his playfully.

„She's right“, Steve said to Bucky right over your head, „I never thought of it before, but they just hit diffirent right after a battle, trust me“

„Oh, you're just giving them out to everyone? Then I want on aswell!“, Sam said, jokingly appalled, „I'm next, wheres that backpack“

You closed your eyes. The atmosphere was finally lighthearted again. Something that you'd missed during the last few weeks, while you had to endure Buckys cold shoulder.

It bugged you, how it took him so long to understand that you never wanted him to be your best friend or to take care of you. You were under the assumption that it would be easier if you were honest with him, but in the end it had scared him off.

Maybe it would be better if you kept your sentimental load to yourself for a bit longer. Until he'll figure out what works for him- how much he can take, instead of demanding his sympathy.

Or his affection...

Which was even harder, after he tried to reject you for so long. He had done the opposite of what you wanted. And as much as it had pissed you off, now you had to chase this feeling even more. The closeness between you and him, that maybe only you saw. Or only you could feel.

There was a reason that this man had been visiting nearly all of your dreams lately.

You have a crush

Your eyes shot open at the mischevious whisper in your head.

They just couldn't leave you alone...not a single day of your life.

Without me you would still hover around him like a doe-eyed school girl waiting for him to ask you out to prom

That was such an exaggeration. You didn't have a crush on him, you only wanted to be...closer to him. You felt conected to him. Emotionally...not physically.

You know there is no reason to convince me, when I already know better

'I don't have to listen to some submissive alien explaining the world to me' , you thought, immediately getting the reaction you had hoped for.

Insolent brat.

„There are two entrances, one south and one west. The west entrance goes completely underground, the gate should be easy to break through for Wanda“, Steve said, explaining to each of them what their task was again, „Tony and Sam will discract from up here, while we split into two teams, searching for either survivors of the experiment or the scientists. Tony will blow up the south entrance so that we can get in faster, but the west is definetely more guarded. We saw at least two turrets and a good few people around. So south: Clint, Nat and Me. West: Y/N, Bucky and Wanda. Is everything else clear?“

Everyone agreed.

„I will come after you to the west entrance when everything outside is clear, and sam will keep checking for backup. He'll stay outside“

„Wait, all by himself?“, you asked looking at Tony with confusion.

„I can handle being on my own for a little, Y/N“, Sam grinned at you.

„He's okay. He will be okay, have a little more trust in him, kid“, Tony said, winking at you.

You weren't convinced, but they knew each other better, they knew how much they could handle.

„Okay, get ready, we won't have much time when they realize were here, Tony and Sams distraction won't last forever. They will focus us when we get close.“, Steve said, checking his gear again before walking towards the ramp of the jet, waiting for the rest of his team.

And he was right. Even with Iron man and Falcon keeping them busy in the sky, they had an unbelievably strong defense. You were glad that Wanda was in your team, as she made it so much easier to get through, without using too much of your energy. She had absolute control over the place.

By the time you reached the entrance, all hell had broken loose, alarms were blaring, shots were fired all around you, while you tried to shield the group. You had to use a lot of your powers, before Wanda had taken out the turrets.

„You gotta Hurry“, Buck yelled over the sound of gunfire, as he covered you both, shooting at everyone coming too close, as Wanda began working on the door.

Her powers were ubelievably strong. You knew that even before, but you've barely seen her use them in such ways until now.

The solid metal bent under her will like it was made of cardboard, opening up the way into the underground.

„GO!“, Bucky screamed as more Soldiers found their way to you.

You constantly kept the shield up, too scared to let your guard down and leave the team exposed.

„Tony, were In, I'll stay at the entrance so you can follow the others“, Wanda gave through.

„Got it“, you heard him answer, as you took your first few steps into the bunker.

„What about you, will you be fine out here?“, you asked her, but she didn't need to answer you.

She just gathered some of her powers to completely disrupt the wave of Hydra agents that were rushing towards, her in a single second.

„Y/N!“, Bucky said again, urging you to follow him down.

She had everything under control, she'll be fine. You on the other hand...

The gunshots were still ringing in your ears as you descended down the stairway. Nerves burning with the thought of meeting Heyne.

„Stay close“, you told Bucky as you passed him, your shield surrounding you both.

The first thing you gathered after arriving down there, was that it was definetely where you needed to be. The Devoras energy was pulsing through you, telling you where to go and what was waiting for you.

They're down here. Thousands of my kind, I can feel them.

„Heyne?“, you asked quietly as you both stormed down the hallways, taking out the few agents that were coming towards you. Your shield basically made them all completely useless, as none of them stood a chance in a direct fight against Bucky.

No

Your stomach dropped at that.

Why? He was supposed to be here...

The other one is here

The other-

„Achen?“, you grit out as you flung one of Hydras soldiers into the wall with your powers, „So he is also still working on this project?“

„What?“, Bucky came to a stand beside you, confused and panting, „What are you talking about?“

„Heyne is not here, but the other one, Dr. Achen. Somewhere down in this lab...“, you told him as you let your eyes wander through the hallways. Even though it was just one giant floor, without the Devora you would have gotten lost in this labyrinth.

„Heyne is not on our side“, Bucky gave through the comms.

„We haven't found anyone important yet either“, Natasha answered, „But there are a lot of cells and labs back here, it might take a while to clear this area“

„There are more coming“, Bucky mumbled as he reloaded his gun.

„The S.H.I.E.L.D agents?“, you asked, hoping they'd already found them.

„Not yet“, Steve sighed, he was frustrated.

Bucky suddenly tackled you into the ground. Shots were raining over you, as some weird gas was creeping into the hallway.

„They're throwing smoke bombs, let's hurry before they decide to throw grenades“

„Would they? I don't think that this bunker is gonna last if they do that“

„Lets not assume, just come“, he got up again, coughing through the thick smoke as he carefully moved forward.

Just a few more rooms. I can feel them. So close.

Where? Left, right, straight up?

On your left, there are people inside, but they aren't dangerous.

Hands grabbed at you out of the fog, ripping you away from Bucky.

You yelped as you were dragged to the ground. The man on top of you held no weapons, just an insane amount of confidence in his eyes.

„You're the fucking bitch that escaped“, he growled as he tried to hold you down.

You didn't give him much time to react, as you rammed the heel of your hand up into his chin and kicked him off of you, sending him into the wall with so much force that he was gasping for air. But before he could recover, your fists were swinging at him again, trying to knock him down.

You heard Bucky struggling behind you, he was also fighting someone. It was just just a small second that you broke your attention on the man in front of you, but it was enough that he landed a hit on your jaw, letting you stumble back two steps, a tiny break in your stance.

He reached for you, turning you around in a swift motion to lock your throat in his arm, chocking you out.

„How did you find us, huh? There is no way you could've found out about this lab.“, he sounded angry, but also genuienly confused.

They should've expected you either way, you'd always found them, why should this laboratory be so special?

You grabbed the arm around your neck tightly, heat crashing through your limbs as you rolled forward, turning him over and throwing his body into the other side of the wall, before his head collided with the ground. With a few quick steps you were at his side again, pressing his face into the floor with your foot. But he was already unconcious.

You checked his thoughts, but were met with the another wall. The same protected mind as that man back in portland.

He was one of them, the team you had seen in his head. Trained to withstand your powers.

They never found out that you found a way through this wall, how could they. The guy was dead.

Which meant this lab wasn't prepared for you. The lab was never supposed to be found and they had been so sure of that. But why was there so much defense then, if they were so sure to never get found...?

An urge ran through your spine, over your arms and hands, shaking you out of your thoughts.

Kill him.

Make him pay.

The Devora was starting to get restless, your control over them was wavering if every time you used your powers.

You let go of his head, getting up to your feet and searched for Bucky in the smoke that was starting to clear up.

He had been fighting three other agents, all of them knocked out, while he tried to recollect himself, breathing heavily.

„Who the hell are these people, something is wrong with them. They're were so careless...so empty“

„I know“, you said as you walked over to him, checking him for any injuries, „I can't read their minds, so sadly we won't firgure it out yet.“ He had a cut going up from his neck to his jaw on the right side.

„Like that guy in-“, before he could finish his sentence someone else emerged from the fog behind you.

„Seems like you took good care of everyone down here“, Tony said as his helmet retracted from his head, „Sorry for being late, this place has no fucking signs. I was running around the same three corridors for a while.“

„Sam?“, Bucky asked immediately, worried about his friend.

„He's good, we've taken most of them out, Wanda is doing the rest. I've already seen her handle much bigger crowds before.“

They briefly nodded at each other.

„Cap? How are things going?“, Bucky asked through the comms.

There was a pause on the other end, as no one answered. And you were already starting to worry, as Clint answered a few moments later.

„We're recovering some of the people we found, the hallways are cleared, there are no scientists here though, only the cells were guarded...“

His voice sounded hesitant.

„What's wrong?“, you asked.

„There are so many and...and even children“

Your blood ran cold.

„What..?“, you whispered looking at Bucky as if he could tell you anything about it, but he was just as clueless.

You had never found children in any of their labs before.

„How old?“, you asked, voice shaking.

„12 to 14...some might be younger. It's- jesus. It's horrible. None of them can talk anymore, they're in bad shape.“

That was the harsh reality of these experiment. But even then...children? How cruel does one have to be to use children for this...?

„Hydra never stopped at anything, they don't care about them being kids.“, Bucky mumbled, looking at you reassuringly, „You couldn't have changed anything about it.“

He had you figured out even before you knew what was bothering you.

You shook your head, „Maybe not...or maybe I should've been faster...I had so many years to-“

„There is no way in hell, that you think this is your fault, kid. Hydra has always been evil and disgusting. They're the bad guys, not us“

They both looked at you so intensly, as if they had to make sure you understood them.

„Let's go, there is something else we have to take care of, before we can meet with the others.“, you said, shaking the guilt off for now.

They both followed you as you tried to find the room that the Devora wanted to lead you towards. Bucky used the force of his metal arm to break through the security doors, staring at the sight before him.

Further back in the room you heard someone cry out for the other soldiers. A woman.

Between the endless rows of vials filled with dark thick matter stood two people, both clad in white long coats, indicating them being scientists.

The men behind you were still bewildered by the organisms, that moved around in their containers, but you were already walking towards the two horrified Hydra scientists.

„Stop!“, one of them yelled, as you reached out towards the first few vials, your presence attracting the organisms. They were clinging to the glass of their prison. Trying to connect with you.

They knew why you were here. And they were waiting for you to end it.

You recognized the man, who had raised his voice at you.

„Dr. Achen“, you said quietly, as if it was nothing for you to see him again.

„Subject 097“, he said, trying to intimidate you- dehumanize you. As if his voice wasn't shaking with terror.

„Y-you weren't supposed to-“

„I saw what you did with those soldiers. You thought it would keep me out of their heads.“, you took another step towards them, feeling Tony and Bucky hovering somewhere behind you, their presence was weirdly calming „But you were wrong. After all this time you still underestimate me.“

The scientists went pale at your words.

„That's not possible...“, his words were quiet, but you heard the clear shock.

The woman looked between you and Dr. Aachen nervously, hear eyes flickering back and forth, before she pulled out a small gun from her inner coat, holding it in front of her, barrel directed towards you.

„Get away from the specimen!“, she barked, not hesitating before she shot at you, but the bullet turned into dust when it entered your shield of pure energy. She looked terriffied. Maybe she didn't know who you were, you've never seen her before.

You stretched your hand out, concentrating on the gun in her hands, before crushing it, crumbling it into tiny pieces, energy flowing around the room like a storm.

„You can't prevent this. I will always find them. And I will not stop before I get every last one of them...“, you said, as the glass of the vials was starting to crack.

They would die upon contact with oxygen. That was all you could give them, after they've suffered for so long.

But you felt it was the right thing, just like all the other times you had infiltated Hydra, destroying whatever you could find of this fucking experiment.

„No-“, Dr. Aachen took a step towards you, but it was too late.

The glass shattered, the containers all but exploded, letting shards rain around you. Row after row, everything broke apart. The Devora stopped moving, some of them slipping through the cracks and pooling into puddles on the floor. No more energy, no more life.

They couldn't feel pain the same way that humans did. But it was still sad, knowing this was their only fate.

The woman sank to her knees with actual tears in her eyes.

Rage built up in your chest.

At her, at Hydra. At these people, who had put a whole species through so much suffering, just for the possibility of creating another weapon that they could enslave. And now she acted all hurt and sentimental, as if she hadn't been working on a project that killed hundreds if not thousands of people.

„You ruined everything“, the woman said, looking at you with so much hate you wanted to laugh.

It was ridiculous, how blind they were to their atrocities.

„Good“, you said while accumulating the last bit of your energy around you, aiming it at her.

You weren't going to take her life, no. You had promised you wouldn't do that. But she would never get the chance to ever lay a hand on another person again.

Never again.

You let the Devoras rage take you, gave yourself free for them, as your power stretched out to her.

She screamed as her limbs were twisted, bones cracking underneath her skin, first her fingers, then her wrists, slowly making it's way up to her shoulders, crushing both her arms completely.

She will never touch anyone again

Never

Never

Your mind was occupied by the thoughts of the Devora, you didn't even realize that you had been moving towards the scientists, until your hands were around the throat of Dr. Aachen.

It was getting worse. This feeling, this undeniable need for revenge. So much despair that weighed on your heart.

Kill

Yes.

Die

yes..

You wanted to agree, wanted to help them feel the relief they were looking for, your fingers closing in on him, feeling him struggle in your grip.

And you were slowly loosing the conection to your own body. So numb...so full of hate.

This weak wretched man. He wasn't even worth the bit of energy you had left, not worth wasting the powers that his project, his own experiment had given you.

„Y/N“, a voice drifted through your clouded mind. Soft. Caring.

You snapped back into reality. Turning your head towards the two men who stood behind you.

„We need him, Solros, let him down“, Tony said, giving you a stern look.

„I can get what we need from him, we won't need him alive“, you pressed out, voice airy and strained, as if it hurt to talk.

„That's not yours to decide, we have orders...“, Bucky said, trying to get through to you, „You don't want this.“

He knew you weren't in control anymore.

You tried reasoning with the being inside of you.

It hesitated.

The specimen were all destroyed. You had to think of the mission first, and not your revenge. You had done what you came for.

And you had promised yourself to never kill anyone willingly ever again.

There was so much confusion inside of you, so much racing thougts that weren't yours, as the Devora tried to convince you. But to no avail. You had learned how to shut them out, how to divide your mind from them.

You let go of him and he fell to the ground, shaking and coughing.

„It's the right thing to do, kid“, Tony said as you looked down at the scientist.

He had a weirdly calm expression for someone who had just escaped death. Way to calm.

„Get him cuffed and search him, the others are probably already waiting.“, Bucky said, but you were still watching the scientist.

You should've listened!

You should've let me kill him!

Why? Why was it scared?

The scientist rolled over slightly, his hand roaming on the inside of his coat. You reacted quickly, pulling out your gun from your holster.

„Hands up“, you bellowed pointing it right at his head.

„I never thought it would get to this point, but I guess there is nothing left for me anyways...“, he whispered, lips tight, „Heyne should've never let it get this far. He could've stopped this a long time ago“, he released a trembling breath, as your anger was starting to take you over again, „I promised him to help but...If he'll take us down with him, then so be it. There is nothing left for us.“

His hand had stopped moving.

You heard the 'click', before you saw the ring on his thumb.

„Grenade!“, Bucky screamed.

You looked back at him, for just the fragment of a second, realizing he was ready to storm towards you, instead of seeking cover. Panic in his eyes.

A shock ran through you, 'Not him, don't take him!'

The Devora was ripping itself through your barrier, streaming into your system like liquid fire, as if it never could've held them back in the first place.

Their instincts took you over.

Time stood still as their question rolled over you with so much surprise.

You want to live?

But he was all you could think about in that moment. He couldn't die. The thought scared you, it terrified you more than anything. Even though you wanted nothing more than to stay with him...there was no way to protect you both at the same time, you had no more energy left in you for a shield strong enough to stop an explosion.

I see

There was a weird type of happiness running through your head, before it was instantly replaced with dedication.

The Devora let your remaining power rise, let it flow out of you, faster than you ever could.

Bucky was met with by it, the wall of energy crashing into him, throwing him off his feet and and slamming him backwards into Tony with so much force that they flew into the other end of the lab, as far away as possible. You weren't thinking rational anymore.

I will always protect you

There was desperation rising in you, the Devora fighting against your hopelessnes as you realized what this meant. There was no time left.

Do you trust me?

You wanted to say yes, wanted to say goodbye, wanted to thank them for all they had done for you. For saving Bucky. But your were too scared. Scared of dying...

The explosion went off.

Chapter Text

„NO!“, he screamed, as the whole room- the entirety of the underground was still shaking.

He hadn't seen it coming, couldn't react in time, couldn't get to you-

Protect you.

Even before your hit the floor, he tried to scramble towards you, panic taking over his mind.

He could smell the burned flesh. The sight. The stench. It was familiar- a fresh cut on his mind no matter how long ago.

No matter what he tried to take in, it was just to much. There was so much blood starting to seep through your clothes, the holes in your uniform showing were the shrapnel had entered your body, shredding right through your flesh, one side of your face was unrecognizable with all the blood and burns, covered in grime.

With shaking hands he tried to find a pulse on your wrists. He was so scared to touch you, so scared of this being real, as the sight of you before him merged with his visions from the night before and with the memories of the war.

If you were dead, if you had sacrificed yourself for them- for him...

„We need medical assitance“, Tony barked into the comms, as he came over, eyes wide and full of fear.

„I can't find a pulse“, Bucky yelled out, more panic taking over his body, threatening to send him into a full breakdown.

„Try her neck“, he said as he bend over your body, assesing the injuries, thinking about the best way to stop all the bleeding at once, „We can't transport her like this, she needs to be immediately admitted to the closest hospital“

„Yeah no shit!“, Bucky gritted out as he pressed his fingers against your neck, coating them in your blood.

„Why did she not shield herself?“, the other man muttered while he pressed his hands over the roughest patches with the most damage, trying to stop the flow, stop your life from seeping out of your body. If there still was any.

Bucky held his breath when he waited for your heart to give him a sign that you were still alive.

There was nothing, just agonizing silence and the crackling of the walls, as the world stopped turning.

But then-

There it was. so weak he would've missed it without his precise senses.

You were still alive. Barely.

„I have a heartbeat“, he whispered, to stunned to do much else than stare at you.

Looking at your face as if he was awaiting for you to wake up any moment.

„Barnes, get those sheets over there, we need to stop this fucking bleeding, she's loosing too much“

„I got it“, another Voice came from the door of the room, as Steve ran up to them, grabbing every bit of cloth and absorbent material he could find, „What the hell happened?“

He took one look at you, before scanning the rest of the room while pressing the bundles into your wounds.

„The fucking Hydra scientist had a grenade. He would've rather died then give us any of the informations we needed. She took the full blast“, Tony explained while shaking his head, „How do we get her out of here?“

„There are agents waiting outside. We just need to get her to the entrance of the sector, they're getting a helicopter ready“, Steve told them, getting ready to lift you into his arms, after they had tightly secured whatever they could of your gaping wounds.

„Be careful, she-“, Bucky said as his friend took her off the ground, his mouth too dry to get out any words. His body was in shock, adrenaline running through him, as if it was him who had nearly died.

„I know, Buck, let's go. I got her“

It had wrecked him. The thought of you being dead.

So hard that he only now realized how badly he needed you to live.

He wasn't like Steve. He had never believed there to be a god.

Never in his life did he think to pray to something he couldn't believe in-

but at this very moment, all he wanted was for them to save you. Let you live.

No matter the cost. He begged towards the universe to give you another chance.

From this point on everything was just a blurr to him. The hectic yells of the team, people shoving him into a car, while he was completely unresponsive.

They asked him questions, but he had nothing to say.

He had started loosing himself the moment he retracted his touch from your skin, and now there was nothing.

No thoughts, no words. Just endless silence in his mind. Which was the only way he could protect himself from reality. From what it would do to him. What he would do to himself.

He doesn't remember how he got there, as he slowly blinked back into existence. A room with dimm lights, no windows, plain walls.

Steve was there, sitting in one of the chairs on the other side of the room, arms crossed and eyes closed.

On another side was Natasha, stretched out over a row of chairs. She was clearly using them as a makeshift bench to sleep.

„Steve“, he said, Voice rough.

His friend lifted his head slightly to look at him with tired eyes, „Hey buddy, you feelin' better?“

He wasn't sure what he meant by that, he couldn't remeber what he had felt like. Only...

Only your lifeless body on the floor of that laboratory. It flashed through his mind, again and again. The viuals, the smell. It was right back.

„It's okay, Buck“, Steve was very close all of a sudden, squatting in front of him as he searched his face, holding him steady on his shoulders. Only now he realized his grip on the armrest, splintering the wood with his metal hand.

He let go immediately. Breathing in and out until he felt like he could speak again.

„Is she okay?“, he asked carefully, scared of the actual answer.

„She's still in surgery“, he sat down beside him, clearing his throat as if he also hadn't talked in a while, „Her... chest was perforated, they are working on getting all scraps and projectiles out. I'm not sure if she's out of danger. But she's definetely fighting, the doctors said that she shouldn't have survived it at all, a lot of her organs were torn apart, her brain injured and her lungs had completely collapsed. She probably tried her best to protect herself...“, his voice was coarse.

Buckys chest was tight again, just as before, when he had seen the damage on your face, as he couldn't find the heartbeat on your wrist, „She might not make it?“

„We can only hope for the best, Buck. I believe in her, or maybe in that alien. It won't let her die so easily“

He might be right about that, it just didn't help the growing strain on his heart.

It was so heavy. He felt like throwing up, just at the possibility of you not returning to them. To him.

He would never look into your eyes again, would never see your smile again, never hear the sound of your voice- your laughter.

He would never be able to show you just how much you meant to him.

He had wasted his chances. Had denied himself to get close to you, scared of what he could ruin- of not being good enough as a person.

But in the end, what did it matter, if he couldn't even look at you from a safe distance anymore. What if this had been all the time you two would've had together.

„Listen to me“, his friends Voice snapped him out of his thoughts, „You won't help her by destroying yourself like this, she wouldn't want you to worry about her“

„Not like she would ever now“, he said, his voice hard and cold, as he tried to accept the fact that it might be too late.

„I'm also worried...“, Steve told him, trying to reassure him that he understood.

But how could he, if he didn't even know how much you really mattered to Bucky.

And he would never be able to tell him, or anybody, if you didn't make it.

After all the time he'd spend with getting to know this version of you that wouldn't break under his hands, after he realized how much of an aid you had been to his mind. All the comfort he'd gotten from you. Only from the simple fact that you had forgiven him, without even saying it. He always knew, ever since you've taken the first few steps towards him.

Your death would tear the fragile part of his soul apart, that you had given back to him. The part that wanted to be vulnerable. That wanted to rely on someone again. And be someone to be relied on.

„She's tough, or let's say that thing is tough. She will survive“, Natasha suddenly said, as she shifted on her improvised bed, „She's been in there for 10 hours, they are doing whatever it takes to keep her alive“

10 hours. Bucky couldn't believe what she just said.

„How long...have we been here?“

„We stayed, Tony, Clint, Wanda and Sam went with the agents for now. That was basically right before they brought her in for the surgery.“, she answered him, „But we will tell them if something happens“

„Why did you let me stay?“, he looked back at Steve, „I can't even remeber how we got here“

His friend sighed, „I think you were in shock, but you wouldn't let anyone drag you away from this hospital. You were ready to fight the security guard that was supposed to escort you out, after you started to scare the other families“

„What did I do, did I hurt anyone?“

„No, you were just sitting around with such a horrendous look on your face that some of the children started crying“, Natasha scoffed and stretched her limbs out, „They gave us this room, Steve had to bribe one of the nurses for it, very charming“

„Not like that took any effort“, Steve mumbled.

The door swung open mid sentence, a woman in scrubs and a clippboard stood before them.

„Are you the relatives of Miss Solros?“, she asked them and Bucky all but jumped out of his seat.

„We're with her, yes.“, he said trying to wait for her to bring them any news- good or bad.

He had to keep himself from grabbing and shaking it out of her, as she scanned her clippboard with all the time in the world.

„Mhhh, it seems that she has been brought to the ICU, she's stable for now“

Bucky knees were going weak at that. His fists were unclenching as he took a shaky breath.

„Are you certain?“, Natasha asked as she got up, joining him and Steve .

„Yes, but unfortunately we can't say if or when she'll wake up yet. Her brain has taken extreme trauma from the explosion and she had to be put into an artificial coma for now, to let her recover and keep the swelling down. You can visit her if-“, she gave them all a once over scrunching her nose a little, „-do you have any spare clothes with you?“

„No, not really“, Steve said.

Bucky was burning with anticipation, his body growing so restless he wanted to just shove her aside and search for you himself.

„Well, you can't go into the ICU like this, you would have to get clean clothes and shower first, there is a shop in the entrance area that sells some clothes, if that would work for you and we can let you use one of the showers in the staff rooms. Since your supervisor was classified as high priority, that shouldn't be a problem.“, she said before she smiled at them tightly, „Sadly I have other things to tend to, if you have any more questions you have to ask at the reception on the 5^th floor, that's where the ICU is, good luck.“

Without any further explanation she left the room.

„Supervisor?“, Natasha raised an eyebrow at them, „Is that what we call Tony now?“

„Whatever we need to call him, I'm glad he's important enough that they're taking good care of her.“, Steve answered.

„I don't know, and I don't care. I'll go get some clothes“, Bucky said, ready to storm out of the room as Steves hand grabbed his shoulder to turn him back around.

„You wait here with Nat, I will get us the clothes. You shouldn't be by yourself right now.“

He was tired of waiting, tired of all this uncertainty.

But what choice did he have?

„Okay“, he simply said, nodding at them both.

It took a while for everyone to get ready, especially with how dirty Bucky was. He had to scrub himself for a while, before everything was washed off completely. And he tried not to think about whose blood it was, that was flowing down the drain with. Even though it might be from more than one person. Some of it was definetely yours.

His hair was still wet as he stepped out of the tiny bathroom, wearing a shirt that said 'It's a Girl', and simple grey sweatpants.

Steve told him that they had nothing else that would fit them, since he had to wear the exact same shirt as Bucky.

„I'd rather wear nothing then this to be honest“, he grumbled.

„Okay Boys. Clint just texted me that they would be coming to pick us up after they checked in at the hotel.“

„Did you ask him to bring some clothes?“, Steve looked at her screen.

„No, we already have some?“, she eyed his shirt, „I don't know what more you need, it looks good“

„You wear it then“, he challenged her nodding at the simple black shirt she wore.

„Not my fault you guys have arms as big as my god damn head“, she mumbled as she tipped another message out.

This was taking too long. Bucky was way too stressed for any of this.

Steve saw how irritated he was, and decided they should just get going.

He tried to act strong and calm through this all, but at this point Bucky had seen the nervous shift in his eyes, when he thought no one was looking, his jaw twitching every now and then and his fingers flexing whenever he had nothing to do with them.

And even if Bucky hadn't known that Steve cared for you, it would still be pretty normal for him to worry about his team. You had been a stable part of them for a good few months now- had even become a friend to them.

Someone they trusted.

And he would not let you go yet, not with this tiny chance that you were going to get out of all this.

There was still hope...

The room you laid in was very spacious, although most of that space was taken up by all the machines and equipment you were hooked onto. The silence in the room was deafening, even with the steady sounds of the monitors and whatnot.

You nearly looked peaceful, even with so many bandages covering your body and face.

Your sickly pale skin stood in high contrast to all the bruises they could see.

„We will most likely take her off the respirator in a day or two, her vitals have been stable for the last hour. So far she has the most dangerous part behind her“, the doctor told them while he filled out a document that a nurse had brought him, after they were let into the room, „But as I always have to say, nothing is certain. The damage was severe, it's more likely that she might not wake up again, even if she'll stay alive. We have never seen a brain recover from such severe trauma very often.“

His blood ran cold. He had to swallow whatever vile words formed on his tongue, to tell the surgeon what he thought about his opinion.

„Chances of a full recovery are at 10% for these types of injuries, but I've seen how fast her lungs and other organs started to function again during surgery. It was...very fascinating to say the least. She is currently waiting for an organ transplant for a new liver, after we couldn't save it. We have removed all of the shrapnel and could stitch the wounds, both internal and external, allthough it took a while. The burns on her upper body and legs have been taken care of as well, so far our plastic surgeon thinks she won't need any skin transplants or further drastic treatments“, his eyes looked at each of them, one at a time he scanned their faces intently, „From the security measures that were initiated by Mr. Stark, we can't ask about the circumstances of her accident, but I have to tell you, that not just me, but all the other people in the theatre have seen her blood turn black, even with all the transfusions, it never stayed the same color for long. I just wanted to let you know, we couldn't detect any radiation or toxins in her blood, but we are still very confused“

„You've been told who we are, right?“, Steve asked him, arms crossed in front of him.

„Yes. And I know there are things on this earth that are very much out of my field of activity, and that I shouldn't know, but I just-“

„You are obligated to keep quiet about this anyway, what does it matter?“, Bucky snapped at him.

The surgeon shut his mouth, feeling the tension growing between them, even Natasha pierced him with her eyes.

„We won't elaborate, and you shouldn't ask. This is highly confidential and could have grave consequences for you, if you ever told anyone about this. Do you understand that?“, Steve said calmly.

„Of course“, the man swallowed, „I will not say anything or ask any further questions, unless they are neccessary for her treatment. I'll leave you to your private time now, If you would excuse me“

He scurried out of the room, probably realizing that they were definetely not joking around.

However, he had saved your life. And that was all Bucky cared about for now.

„I don't even know how to feel about what he said“, Natasha confessed as she stepped a little closer to your bed.

„Me neither, but it did sound like her alien friend saved her yet again“, Steve sighed and relaxed a little, now that they were alone.

„It doesn't like to be called alien“, Bucky murmured, as he also walked around onto your other side of the bed, „Do you think she can hear us?“

„I don't know, he said her brain was damaged, maybe she can't. But I'm no expert“, Steve shrugged his shoulders, „Maybe we should've asked him, before we scared him away“

„Too late now, I guess“, Natasha said as she watched you closely.

It was as if she tried to take in whatever was left of you, whatever the explosion had spared. Searching for something to recognize.

It wasn't a lot, but when Bucky tried to touch you, when his fingertips grazed the skin on your arm, that was neither burnt nor bandaged, he could tell how warm it was.

He felt his throat tighten, as he realized what that meant.

It was working, whatever the Devora was doing, it was still trying to help you.

„She will make it“, he whispered, „She has to, and she knows that. She's not done yet.“

He nodded to himself, repeating the same words in his head like a mantra.

She'll wake up.

Chapter Text

„Guess what they found!“, Stark waved a folder in his hands as he walked around the hotel room, „This is it. All the mysteries about this thing inside of her.“

„You're joking“, Sam leaned forward from the sofa in the corner, squinting at the file.

Everyone perked up as he slapped it down onto one of the desk of the hotel room.

„See, this is the reason S.H.I.E.L.D wanted us to help. Because she never went to search for answers, only destruction. And now they finally found some of Hydras records on the project. Or what's left of them“

„You mean this isn't everything?“, Steve asked.

„No, Solros never gave S.H.I.E.L.D any information on the Devora, not until she'd been put under survaillance. And even then she didn't tell a lot. But now-“, Tony pointed back at the folder, „we can finally look into it. Whatever it is, it might give us some answers, some hints, you name it.“

Everyone waited.

For someone to take it, no one really wanted to do the first step, even if they were all eager to know.

„Okay lemme just-“, Steve walked over to the table, taking the file with a nervous glance around the room.

He scanned the pages for a while with an intense look on his face, „That is...not what I expected to be honest“, he said furrowing his brows as he started reading aloud for the others, that were all leaning towards him now, „Organism grows through constant cell devision, every extracted part of the matter would grow into their own system, a single cell creates another Specimen. They combined diffirent cells from other living beings with them, but after that they wouldn't grow anymore, they just existed until the cells died.“, he looked at the others, „So they never had trouble getting more? Why are they so worried about them being destroyed, as long as they have at least one left, the experiment wouldn't end, right?“

„Maybe theres more to it?“, Clint asked, looking into the folder from beside Steve.

„Organism was tested on cells, plants, and skin before moving on to living subjects. It took them six years to that point by the way, there are dates listed for each variant. The organism doesn't reproduce after being paired with living material. It forms a symbiosis with the cells, functioning similar to a fungus. The host has to be born around the same year as the Devora, or their DNA will not fit together.“

„How did they even find that out? That sounds really questionable“, Natasha muttered.

„Trial and error. In these kinds of experiments they write down every little thing, showing the diffirence in the circumstances under which it failed to then try something diffirent and avoid what caused it to fail. It's actually very simple if you think about it“, Vision answered her.

„We're still talking about illegal Hydra experiments, for your information“, Clint raised an eyebrow at his excitement.

„I would've loved to see one of them.“, Vision said, earning him a few annoyed glances.

„Y/N killed them for a reason, I hope you don't plan on asking us to keep some alive in the next lab“, Tony warned him.

„Of course not“, he sighed and let Wanda take his hand into hers, to reassure him.

„The tests showed, the closer the extraction date was to the birth of the test subjects, the longer they would survive. But they could only extend it to months at most, before the host would either die of heart failure or...“, Steve paused as he read the next word, „self-mutilation.“

„That is actually crazy“, Sam said blinking against the images forming in his head.

„Subjects showed signs of increased hunger and agression. Can not be held together, to prevent them from feeding off eachother.“

„Oh god ew“, Tony said making a disgusted face, „They ate eachother?“

„Maybe that's why they were kept in single cells, so none of them would hurt eachother“, Natasha said, referring to the people they found in the base.

„They didn't test on humans for at least 20 years. The records mostly show rats and smaller rodents, that were easily breedable. The first rat that survived long enough to speak of a successful experiment had lived for ...for uh- 12 years..?“

„What? That is an incredibly long live for a lab rat.“, Tony said and shook his head in disbelief.

„Apparently the rat didn't age either. It healed faster, could listen to commands easily without much training. It even showed signs of understanding the humans speaking to it, following some of their orders. They thought the Devora was able to control them. They tried extracting it when the host died, but it was also dead. After that they moved on to humans. Their DNA and Birthyear had to be precise, otherwise they would die shortly after the injection. None of the humans lived more than a few months either, even though they did everything the exact same way. Human subjects would show signs of depression and suicidal tendencies, if they could still speak they would refer to someone being inside their head, talking to them. Even if their body functioned, their mental capacity would never last.“

„Jesus...“, Clint muttered, looking at the pictures in the file, „Those were such young people...“

„20 years at most..“, Tony mumbled before sitting down on one of the last free chairs.

„How did Y/N... I mean, how was she diffirent? Why did she succeed?“, Wanda asked.

„It says nothing about her anywhere. Just talking about the loss of their older specimen, which would explain the children we found“

„Because Y/N destroyed the ones that were extracted back in the beginning...“, Sam pointed out shaking his head in disbelief.

„It's not her fault. It's Hydra. They take whatever they can with no regards.“, Bucky spoke up, for the first time since he entered the room, „If she had any knowledge of this...“

Would you not have done it? He wasn't sure. You had been diffirent back then- colder and angry.

„We know. No one thinks it's her fault“, Steve looked at his best friend with a bit of worry in his eyes.

„The agents have been trying to take up everything they could find into their data, this is just what I got from Fury, another summary if you will“, Tony said before looking around the room, „We have nothing else to work with, nothing that tells us how it actually functions or how it affects her, we only know that she heals a lot faster. And that a fucking rodent got to be over 200 rat years old, that's something we can hold onto, right?“

It was supposed to sound hopeful, but the room stayed silent.

They've tried to convince themselves for a good week now, that you would make it. That there was a silver lining for you.

The only good thing so far was that your body was stable enough for a transport, so they wouldn't have to stay in this fucking hotel anymore.

Soon you would be back in the complex, the only safe place S.H.I.E.L.D knew to put you for now.

A public hospital was not a good option, not with all the Hydra agents looking for you- and for the Avengers.

The risk came with this job, obviously. But you were in such a vulnerable state, that no one could really protect you if they decided to show up in the hospital. No matter how many guards S.H.I.E.L.D had sent, you would never be safe enough.

At least not for him.

„She'll be fine“, Steve said for the 100^th time that week, and with every time he sounded less sure of it.

The day of the transport went without complications. The makeshift room in the medical bay had been prepared for you and Tony made sure they had a doctor in the house for the time being, someone to make sure you would be in good condition.

„Finally someone who uses our other guest rooms“, he joked on the flight back. All he's done ever since the team had fallen in such a weird state of waiting, was to play the clown.

Even though he was also worried, but he made it his mission to keep the mood light, even though he failed terribly at that. It was macabre if anything.

Bucky swore that the next joke Stark would tell, could be his last, with the way Steve always glared at him.

Bucky didn't have it in him to care about that anymore. He was numb, blended out whatever was going on around him. Stoic and cold.

Turning back into someone who couldn't trust himself or his feelings anymore. Someone he had been before you came into his life. Before you had brought so much light with you.

He sat at your bed for hours, staring at you, waiting for you to react to his touch, hoping for a sign you'd actually wake up.

But another week passed and your condition didn't change.

You've healed, no scars were remaining where your skin had been ripped open.

But nothing could let him forget just how much you were bleeding that day. Still saw it when he looked at you for long enough, the thick trails that had been running out of your ears and nose. Still saw the wide holes in your uniform. The gaping parts of your flesh that reminded him of a time far worse than now. That reminded him of the war.

But the thing that was still scaring him the most was how he couldn't stop counting every single one of your heartbeats. Listening to them all day, as if it could stop at any moment.

Sometimes he even felt your pulse, on your wrist. To make sure that what he remembered about that day was not real, that you were really alive.

For now.

„Buck“, a voice behind him pulled him out of his thoughts. He leaned back from the bed, sitting upright as Steve came closer, „You didn't show up for the meeting“

He sighed, „I forgot, sorry“

„It's okay, we are just wondering if it wouldn't be better for you to distance yourself a bit from the current situation. We know that you're scared, but no one would think less of you, if you didn't keep her company anymore“

Bucky looked up at him in confusion, „What are you talking about, why would I be worried about that?“

Steve was just as confused, „I know you feel guilty. But she won't wake up if you keep beating yourself up over the past. This has nothing to do with what happened back then“

He tensed as he realized what Steve was saying.

„You mean I only do this, because I think I failed her? Because of what the Winter Soldier did to her?“

Was he really that blind?

„I'm just saying, you can take a step back. You don't have to keep sitting here and wonder if she's gonna make it. It's not your fault“

He was so wrong.

It was his fault you were laying there. Because you had tried to save him instead of yourself. And even if you weren't hurt by his own hands, you would've probably been safe if it weren't for him.

He would never get over that. That it basically happened again. And you might not even get the chance to forgive him this time.

He'd have to live with your absence for the rest of his days, and not just because of guilt, but because of what he felt for you.

„Someone has to stay with her“

„Anyone can do that“

„But I want to“, he pierced Steve with a cold look, „I have nothing else to do anyway. I can't go anywhere else, this is the only place I can be right now“

So what if they thought, that all he cared about was redemption, that there was nothing else on his mind but his own damn self.

Because in some way it was true. He only cared about himself, about how he wanted nothing more than see your eyes for one last time, or hear your voice again.

He wished so badly for time to turn back.

Back to when you were still safe, when you were still keeping your distance from him, hated him. Wanted him dead.

If it would've stayed that way, you might've never taken the blast of a grenade to safe his life.

„Just stop blaming yourself“, Steve said, as if he could read his mind, „And eat, I don't care if you don't have an appetite, you can't keep going like this.“

He held up a bag, „I got you takeout. That Thai place down three blocks, remember? You loved it“

He remembered, allthough he couldn't imagine it tasting as good in this moment. But he still took the bag his friend held out for him.

„Thanks, Buddy“, he gave him as much of a smile as he could, before Steve went back towards the door.

Before he closed it behind him, he turned around one more time, „You can talk to her, The doctor said she might be able to hear you, it stimulates the brain or whatever, I didn't really listen. But you could try at least, who knows“, he shrugged his shoulders, „She might answer“

„Not funny, Steve“, he groaned.

But was it true, was it possible you could hear him? If so then what would he tell you...

Sorry? Sorry, that you had nearly died because of him again?

Right.

He just sat in silence again, forcing himself to eat, while listening to your steady heartbeat.

There was nothing. For so long.

You couldn't hear anything, couldn't talk, couldn't even remember who you were.

An eternity of nothingness. Cold. Empty. Dark.

Before there was a sound, a voice. It was calling out to you, so soft and gentle. It pulled you out of the darkness, reminding you of who you were.

'Y/N', it searched for you,'I was hoping the day would come, that you would want to live again. I held on for you.'

What where they saying? You couldn't understand, couldn't fathom what they were reffering to, had no conection to anything.

'Do you remember? I can show you, who you once were.'

Something shifted. As if a light was flowing into the darkness around you, but it was so much more. It was an opening. A gate to the deepest part of your mind, that had never been opened since so long. The vortex of memories and emotions that had been closed off for most of your life. And you had no power, no control over what was happening. You were sucked into it, forced to see all those horrible memories play in front of you.

There was another voice. Clearer, closer. But the feelings that rose with it were nothing but fright.

„Honey it's gonna be okay, it's not the end of the world. There are plenty of boys around, that would want to ask you out, just wait until college“, your mother cooed as she rubbed your back.

You saw the scene in front of you, you weren't living it, you were just a spectator. It all came back to you- where you were, what this was.

And you weren't ready for it. To see it all again. To feel what you had avoided for so long.

Soft sniffling filled the room, as tears were staining the pillow which the girl had burried her face in.

Always such a crybaby, your whole life.

„You want us to stay home? We can watch a movie together, I'm sure mom wouldn't mind“, the woman smiled down at her.

The girl was so young, you had totally forgotten how young really.

Just 16 years old. Not aware of all the horrors of her future, concerned about her first boyfriend and highschool.

But that would soon change.

„No I- I don't want to ruin this for you, I know h-how important tonight is“, she chocked out.

„Are you su-“

„Just go!“, she yelled out, clearly unable to handle her own emotions. Just a teenager.

Your mother didn't say anything, she just kissed the back of her head, before leaving the room.

That was the last moment you had talked to her.

The last words you ever said to her.

It broke your heart all over again.

You could already hear the blaring sound of the house-telephone late in the night, while your younger self still laid huddled in self-pitty.

You weren't expecting the scene to change so drastically, hearing the words of the neighbor on the phone, while you already saw her walking down the street towards a bridge. That bridge.

You didn't want to see it, but there was nothing you could do, just wait for the realization to hit the young girl, still clad in her pyjamas and slippers. She sprinted over the sidewalk, not caring about all the people that were clustered around the scene, pushing yourself through them like nothing could stop you.

„Wait“, one of the cops yelled out at you, „You can't be here! This is a crime scene, young lady“

„Those are- are my parents“, she cried out, trying to get him out of the way.

The police man was looking at his colleagues in confusion.

But it wasn't important what they had to say, you couldn't even hear them, as the girl rushed past them all, ignoring their calls and warnings that she wasn't allowed to be there. They tried to grab her, holding her in a tight grip, but at that point she had already seen it.

Everything.

The bodies of your parents leaned onto the railing of the bridge.

Their eyes were open, but they were empty. Their bodies were bruised, their clothes ripped off in patches, exposing them to the cold night in places no one should see, tangled into each other, with their blood staining the sidewalk.

Her screams were echoing in the night as she collapsed in the officers hold. They dragged her away into one of their cars, as she could do nothing but wail. The pain of loosing your parents in such a grotesque way was still lingering in you even though you were just a bystander.

They had died, not even a mile away from you, so close to home. You never recovered from the sight, no amount of therapy, no amount of time and reflection had ever cured the gaping hole that it left in you.

Not before you pushed it away. Nothing else but denial ever worked for it, because while you never stopped mourning them, your life had moved on.

Your aunt had taken you in. You had been away from your home. Your garden and the beautiful sunflowers around your parents house were had turned into a painful memory.

A new scene started to play.

„This is Reggie, Y/N“, your aunt said with a big smile, holding onto the arm of an older man in the uniform of a police officer, that she had met through all of the trouble with the death of your parents.

Her soon to be uncle, the man your aunt married, just before you had turned 18. For her sake the younger version of you pretended she was glad her aunt had found someone, but she never showed up to the wedding, couldn't stand to see her, the woman that looked so much like your mom in the arms of some guy. Happy and in love. For a while.

Reggie didn't wait long before he started showing his true colors, which your aunt just tried to ignore. She was too fragile, after loosing her only sister.

So the girl kept silent, as he started drinking before noon. As he went to work drunk, stayed out in bars for days, living in her aunts home as if it was his own. Screaming at her to get out of his kitchen, to not touch his shit, to stay out of his sight.

But at night he would try to get into her room. She started barricading it, after waking up to his hands trying to lift her shirt, pressed against her from behind with the most disgusting waft of alcohol lingering on him.

She stayed silent, even after graduating highschool and leaving for college. Escaping her hometown for a while.

Stayed silent as she drowned her thoughts in substances, alcohol...whatever she could get her hands on, that would lessen the pain.

Stayed silent, as she let the touch of others lay itself over the memory of her uncles hands, so many people that she had let into her bed just to have that sense of control over her own body, never remembering it for long before moving on to another man. Another woman. It didn't even matter.

Because nothing ever helped, nothing ever filled the holes in her heart, in her soul. The part they had stolen from when your parents had died.

Had been murdered.

'It was an accident'

Those were the words ingrained in your mind. For years you'd heard the officers voice in your head. Whenever there was a moment of clarity in your brain, they plopped back into existence.

You'd never forget how everyone tried to cover up what happened to your parents. Calling it an accident,calling it horrible, disgusting, a tragedy. Anything but the truth.

Never calling it by what it really was.

An example- a reminder that people like them weren't supposed to exist. That they were never safe.

No one wanted to hear it. But you knew.

Knew that none of this would've happened, if they hadn't gone to their meeting that night, wouldn't have spoken out for all the people that shared their way of love, telling them to never hide, to never let anyone tell them who they were.

No one would have looked at them, woul've hated what they stood for. No one would've followed them home to brutalize them. To put them out where everyone could see them, shaming them for their relationship even in their death.

And when the young girl realized that it wasn't enough, that nothing could numb her the way she needed it, she dropped out of college, started pretending, started convincing herself. Used the rest of your parents college fund to finance that flower shop, moved on from that part of her life, that was supposed to drown her once and for all.

All the pain was locked away, and it took every strong emotion with it, every bit of joy, every bit of love you had kept for yourself, for the world and for others. It was all in there. In the deepest part of your mind. It had been keeping you alive, to never feel any of it. For a while.

After that you were just shoved around through it all, never fully grasping a scene, before another memory took it's place. Because it was so many. You were thrown into it, whirled around, waited for the vortex to spit you back out and let you rest.

Just for a moment.

But it didn't end.

Not until you lived through it all again, the whole way, until the day you stood in that hangar.

And this time you saw everything, every angle, every movement of the Winter Soldier, as he was struggling against the words that were calling for him, the words that Heyne threw at him while he tried so hard to resist.

Why...why?

„Why are you showing me all this?“, you whispered into the void.

It was dark again. Silent. But a feeling bloomed in your chest.

Something so warm. So full of hope that it took your breath away.

'You're finally ready. After so long'

That voice called out to you again, stronger this time. As if it had been waiting for you.

'All these years you wanted it all to be over, never feel again and let life end. Didn't make an effort to keep yourself safe. But in that laboratory...I could tell you didn't want to go. You have something to hold onto again.'

The words struck you. A sharp pinch in the chest, that not even the overwhelming warmth could keep away. You knew it was the truth, but you've never heard anyone say it before. Never had anyone show you so clearly, what you had been doing to yourself.

'I was the only one to keep you alive for so long. When I entered your mind, I could see it all. I saw all those feelings. I could tell you were strong, were full of love, of hope. Passion. Joy. That there was a time you had only seen good in others. Proved to me, that there was more than hate in this world'

The Warmth spread through you like a wildfire, taking over every single one of your senses. It ankered itself into the deepest parts of you. There was another echo, surrounding you from all sides, but too distant to decipher it. What it said.

'I won't let them take what's left of your heart. You have so much love to give to this world, the love that was tought to you by the people you miss the most. That love made space for me and let me find my place in you, without having to fight for it. Even though you didn't know it still existed, it was what kept us going, fueled me without taking anything away from you. I will always make sure it was worth it. I will fight for you. For us. Now that you're ready to feel again'

„Am I? I don't know if I can...can live with all of that again...“, your voice was shaking, all that you wanted was to lay into this feeling inside of you, this searing heat.

'But you're doing it right now. You know what this is. Because he is here with you, right by your side. This is real. This is only yours. Your feelings for him, that you hid away like all the others.“

„That is...?“, you looked at your hands, expecting them to catch on fire any moment.

Love...

It felt so good.

So full.

'Keep it close. I can protect your body and your mind. But you have to take care of your heart again. Otherwise we might not make it much longer...'

The feeling that had filled you just moments before suddenly rushed back to where it came from, burrying deep inside you and turning into a tiny glimmer of heat and passion.

„Thank you“, was all you could say.

You were waiting for them to come back, waited to hear more of this voice that felt so comforting, so familiar.

But they stayed silent, to let you know that it was finally over.

There was nothing left in that vortex, it was all you again. And it felt good, even the part of you that was hurting in that moment, it couldn't overshadow all your newfound positivity.

Maybe you really were ready.

. A clarity rested in your mind, like you never felt before. All you could think about was that you were okay. That you would be fine. You couldn't remember the last time you had felt so much calm. Balance. Peace. There was so much more space for your thoughts and feelings. It was liberating.

And after a while other things came back to you. Sounds, the scent of antiseptic, the fabric under your fingers, your stiff muscles and how dry your throat was.

„Y/N...“, someone said, as if they weren't sure you could hear them.

Someone...that someone.

The person that had set your body on fire, that let you feel so much as there was nothing but darkness around you. You were reminded of it, as a glimmer of that fire sparked in your chest. In your heart.

Bucky.

You wanted to tell him you were here, but there was no movement in your body, as if your limbs weren't conected to your mind.

You could only feel your chest rising and falling while you were taking deep breaths.

His voice was suddenly very close, but still as careful, „Y/N? Can you actually hear me?“

You tried so hard to say something, tried to move or open your eyes. Your head shifted on the pillow, followed by a small groan. It sounded hoarse and rough.

There was a small breathless laugh. Filled with so much relief. And a hand laid onto your arm, so gentle.

It took so much effort for you to move your mouth, as you regained some of your autonomy, the strenght was growing in your muscles with every second.

You wanted to say something, needed to tell him you were okay- that you would be fine.

But all you could get out was, „Stay“

It was so weak, barely audible even to you. But he heard you.

Heard you and answered without a second thought, „I'll never leave“

Chapter Text

„You're telling me, I've been growing my own organs back?“, the face you gave them was of pure incredulity, „That's absurd, there's no way my regeneration is that strong...“

The familiar whisper returned to your thoughts. It was so diffirent to it's voice, so much weaker than the way it spoke for itself.

Now you're just taunting me.

Ever since you woke up, you'd been constantly surrounded by people. Everyone wanted to talk to you, wanted to know how you were, what changed. And there was so much to talk about, just from the mission in brazil alone. But all that you wanted was to ask the Devora why they didn't talk to you before, why only now...they never asnwered it. Maybe they never would. They already knew about all the questions that were running through your head...

„Quiet literally. You were listed for a transplant, and after a few days they did an ultrasound and found that you had a completely intact liver. Crazy work, that little alien has to be god or some shit“, Sam told you, a crooked smile in his lips.

„What did they say? In the hospital“, you shook your head in disbelief.

„Nothing. Steve made sure they wouldn't question anything.“, Natasha chuckled, patting Steve on the back.

„But it's good, right? That means that you won't have any trouble in the future, you're basically invincible!“, Sam said.

„Not sure if that's the case, I think I would've been blown into pieces if not for the Devora. I couldn't protect myself...“, your tone was a lot more devasted than you meant it to be, earning you some very concerned looks from the people in the room with you.

Especially from Bucky. Before he had to avert his gaze for a moment, as if the image of what happened to you was making him sick.

They had told you, that he had been sitting at your bed all the time, never leaving your side if not neccessary.

And he didn't try to deny it either.

For you it was a confirmation, of all the things that you had felt towards him, why you hadn't been able to keep your distance from him.

Your heart had started yearning for him before you even knew it. Made you put his life over your own without a second thought. That was the reason you'd kept dreaming of him, why you'd held onto that bond between you two, as he'd wanted to distance himself.

This was so diffirent. These feelings were so much more then just attraction. What you felt for him now was probably one of the most confusing things you ever had to experience.

Because you would've never known you could still feel this way, if not for the horrible past that the Devora had unleashed on you, if it hadn't shown you what it really meant to love, what it meant to need someone. As hard as it was, to have some of those memories back in your mind, they let you experience things that had stopped making sense a long time ago.

Now you knew where you stood, knew exactly who you were again.

You were someone that needed others, needed to be close to them, needed affection and intimacy, even after you've tried to hide from those feelings for so long.

„Well, for now you're safe“, Steves voice pulled you out of your thoughts again.

They weren't sure how to act around you at all, they were nervous, maybe even a little confused. As if they hadn't expected you to wake up so soon.

The odds had been against you, to be fair.

„And I'm very thankful for that. But I still really want to get out of here“, you looked around the sterile room. Wanda had come by earlier to bring you some clothes, and ever since then you wanted to get out of this bed.

Other than Bucky, no one else had seen you in that ugly hospital gown, and you didn't really mind it that much. But now that you were dressed and fully concious, there was nothing keeping you from leaving the medical bay.

„We can accompany you to your room for now, I don't think you have to stay here all day. The tests were all fine, and we trust you, when you say you're feeling fine“, Steve let you take his hand before hopping off the bed, smiling as your face lit up with excitement.

„I hope my plants all survived my absence“, you mumbled as you followed them out of the med-bay.

They kind of huddled around you, as if to make sure nothing could happen on this short way up to your room.

„Wanda took care of them, don't worry“, Nat said, waving it off.

„That's so nice of her“, had they always been this nice to you?

Or did you only now really see it? Now that your hope was truly back, your sense of happiness- your inner strength. Had you really lived without it for so long? Always a little empty, a little too cold...

It was odd, to say the least. Everything felt diffirent, all of the affiliated feelings you had for them were so much stronger than before.

Everyone was weirdly excited, when you arrived at your door. Except for Bucky, who also looked at his team as if they were going insane, glancing at you for a second as if to tell you, 'I don't know either'

Sam could barely keep the grin back, as you finally opened the door.

„Not again“, you groaned, when you saw, that they had given your room a makeover, „What is this? Are you doing this on purpose?“

The last time they'd surprised you was with a whole greenhouse. And this was just overkill on top of it.

„Pepper organized everything to get done before you would be back in the complex“, Natasha shook her head at you, „We didn't even know what it looked like until now, but she made a huge deal out of it.“

„That's why you were so excited?“, Bucky piped up, „And no one told me, very nice“

„You were a lost case, Buddy. Even if we had told you, you think you would've registered any of it?“, Steve asked him.

He looked embarrassed, but you smiled, reassuring him that you were still glad he had been with you. That he had kept you company all that time.

All the things you got from the thrift store were neatly placed and organized, one of the walls was even painted, the color of a sunset was looming behind your bed now.

Pepper even placed a completely new rug for you, a plush bright change to the bland floor.

It was so much nicer, even better than you had imagined it as you picked it all out. It was an actual room now. Your room.

What you had envisioned your life could be like one day and simultainiously reminding you of your old appartment in your hometown.

„Vintage huh?“, you heard Sam snicker, „Guess you're just as much of an old soul as these two“

He pointed between Steve and Bucky, both of which were still taking everything in.

„I like it“, Natasha said then, giving you a small smile, „It fits you. It's so warm and welcoming“, her words sounded like she was disgusted by them, but her expression was definetely the opposite.

Your heart nearly stopped.

No way that Natasha Romanov, the ever sarcastic and judgemental spy had just given you a compliment.

You weren't sure if everyone was aware of how hot your face was, but from the looks you got- probably yes.

„It really does fit you, it's so...nifty“,Steve mused.

„You're old“, Sam just said, so dry you nearly broke out into laughter.

„I just gotta move the bed, then everything is perfect. I have to thank Pepper, maybe I should get her something...do you guys know if she eats cookies? I could bake some“, you made your way through the room, attempting to move it all by yourself.

„Why? You'll just ruin the feng shui“, Sam came towards you, taking another look around you, „It's the center of the room, you can't put it anywhere else!“

„It needs to be in a corner, as much as I hate to ruin the feng shui, I couldn't sleep otherwise“, you shrugged your shoulders, already pulling the bed towards the wall were it stood before.

„A corner?“, Sam cried out in shock, „You cannot be for real, Imagine someone stays overnight, you'll have to climb over each other, that's horrible“

You stopped, slowly turning towards him.

„Wh-why would there be anyone staying over night?“, you asked, eyes wide and mouth dry as you tried to ignore the looks that the others gave you.

„Ah come on, you can't tell me you never thought about it, you're way too young to never date again“, his words brought even more heat to your face and someone at the door even cleared their throat in the uncomfortable silence.

„Sam“, Nat groaned, „She clearly has other problems, let her be. She can put her bed wherever she wants“

'Please god, let the earth open and take me'

Steve had such a harsh blush on his face, it would even competed with your own. And Bucky...

You were too scared to even look at him, but as you saw he had turned away from everyone, you were convinced that he was just trying not to laugh at you.

You couldn't hold it against him, not really.

„Well, if you say so“, you tried to save the situation with whatever confidence you had left, „Then I'll leave it in the center. Don't want my date running off at the atrocious sight of my bedroom“

It helped a little, at least with your own nervers, as Sam started laughing. It filled the room and overtook the awkward feeling from before, letting you take a small breather.

But you saw Natasha holding back her own laughter as she looked at Steve, who simply left the room in silence, hands running over his face and through his hair.

And Bucky. Of course.

He stared at the bed, gears turning in his head, before his gaze went up, looking directly at you and-

You could've sworn to see his jaw twitch as he blinked at you. As if he was too stunned to speak.

Maybe he had trouble seeing you as someone like that. Someone who would let their date come over for a night, someone who even went on dates.

Hell, you had trouble seeing yourself as someone like that.

You couldn't keep yourself from frowning a little, avoiding his eyes before you shoved the bed back against the wall.

„Feng Shui saved“, you gave Sam a pat on the shoulder, and he couldn't stop grinning at you.

„Very good, Imma keep an eye out for any potential gentlemen. Or gentlewoman, I don't know what you prefer“

You squinted at him.

„I don't judge, you know“, he winked at you before wiggling his eyebrows at Natasha.

No one was safe from him apparently.

After a while everyone left to let you settle in your new suroundings and take everything in on your own.

Your body was growing heavier with every minute that you were up.

We're still healing

Okay sure, but since when did healing ever take so long? Weren't all your scars and wounds gone?

We have to recover all the energy I used up, that will take a few days

You didn't mean to be annoyed at that, after all you should be relieved you even made it out alive, but you just wanted to get back on track, now that S.H.I.E.L.D had so many new informations on the project, on Hydra. You would be restless for a while, even if you knew it needed some more time for you to be ready.

„Natasha is right“, you nearly jumped out of your skin, as a sudden voice came from the door.

You turned around with your heart beating out of your chest and saw Bucky at the door.

He had been quietly leaning against the frame, before realizing he jumpscared you, „Oh god, I'm sorry I didn't mean-“

„No-no! It's okay I was just a little lost in thoughts. I forgot to close the door I guess“, you rambled while you tried to calm your stupid heart.

„I just wanted to say that it really does fit you...the room, the furniture. It's very, uhm, cute. All the flowers are nice, the lamp-“, he cringed at himself, „Sorry, I don't mean to be weird.“

You giggled nervously, unsure if you ever saw him this sheepish before. Wait, cute?

„I remember we went to some place after new years, somewhere in brooklyn, that had all these flower lamps. The whole place was really magical, pretty sure that was the theme for the restaurant anyways. But I think you would like that place, maybe-“, he paused for a moment, looking at you for confirmation, his eyes searching for the answer to a question he didn't even ask yet, „Maybe we could go there some time.“

It took every bit of restraint in your body to not squeek out how unbelievably happy you were about his offer, to spend time with you outside of the complex.

„I'd love to. I'm always down for something magical.“

Maybe your excitement made you a little too awkward.

But Bucky just gave you a short smile, before looking at the ground, very interested in the tip of his shoes, „You should know, that everyone was really worried. They're not just being nice- they are relieved. We all are.“

The change in tone felt heavy, more so now that you saw the hurt on his face as he looked back up at you, „Never do that again“

You shook your head, „I didn't do it on purpose, you know?“

„I do. I just want to make sure you understand, that you're just as important as everyone else in this team“

He spoke so gentle, yet his words really struck you down, „I'm sorry, for worrying everyone.“

„Don't be sorry, just- just...“, he couldn't find the words he was searching for, mouth opening and closing a few times. The look in his eyes didn't waver- the amount of concern you saw.

You really wanted to stop yourself as you approached him, as your hands reached out for him. But he let it happen. Said nothing as you carefully embraced him.

Just let his arms close around you as well, as if it was the most natural thing to do.

„I will take care of myself, so don't worry. I will never let anything like that happen again“, you mumbled into his chest after a while, inhaling the scent that clung to the fabric of his shirt.

His steady heartbeat was so close to you.

You wanted to loose yourself in this moment, in the feeling of his arms around you, the gentle hand that he raised to the back of your head, to caress your hair before he hummed- the sound vibrating in his chest and raising goosebumps on your skin.

You weren't sure if it was just your imagination to feel his heartbeat pick up slightly, as you snuggled just a tiny bit closer into him.

It was just so nice, this feeling. It was all you ever wanted, you didn't want to let go first. Neither of you did.

But the moment was over when Steve approached, „Is everything okay?“, he sounded surprised, maybe even a little worried.

You let go of him immediately, scared that Steve might get the wrong impression. But you felt Bucky hesitate for a second, before he really withdrew from you and took a full step backwards.

„We're fine“, he just said, not elaborating any further.

Maybe it was too much, maybe you shouldn't have done it, should've let him take his time before forcing yourself onto him like that.

But no matter how bad you wanted to feel about it, the touch of his hand in your hair was still lingering. It had been too comforting to dismiss.

And there was nothing to be said, really. It was just a fleeting moment, for the both of you. You didn't want to ruin it. Not when you knew how rarely he even let others touch him.

Bucky left without another word, no peek over his shoulder, no stagger in his steps. Straight for the elevator.

„I think he was scared, maybe because he had to see me get hurt? I can't imagine what that must've been like...he's a veteran after all“, you thought out loud, as if Steve could answer any of those questions for him.

„Even if he wasn't a veteran, seeing someone close to you get hurt will never be easy. I'm just glad he's already better now“, Steve watched after his friend.

„What do you mean, better?“

He looked down to you, as if he hadn't thought about his words at all, „Oh, he just had a bit of a hard time, after we got you out of there. I was a little worried that he would blame himself for something happening to you. He can't forgive himself easily.“

You never even thought about it before, that Bucky would blame himself for it.

But only then you realized, that you'd never said it out loud, that you had forgiven him. You weren't sure, but maybe he did need that confirmation. Allthough at this point it must be pretty obvious to anyone, that you didn't hold any grudge against him anymore, right?

„Are you going to be alright for now? Do you need anything?“, Steve once again brought you back to your senses.

„I think so...“, you sounded really unsure.

You were scared to be alone, scared of your own mind, of having to confront any of the memories the Devora let loose. Especially now, after this soft moment between you and Bucky. It would be such a hard contrast.

The horror of having to stay alone again, was more than enough to make you shiver.

„Could...“, you started, hesitating to ask him for such an intimate favor. But you did trust him.

You trusted them all, at this point. And not just because they had been worried about you. They were all a part of your life, a part that you couldn't let go of. Not anymore.

„Could you stay with me for a bit?“, you really tried to convinve yourself that it wasn't weird to ask him.

He was surpised by your request, „You-you want me to stay?“

„I just don't really want to be alone right now, I guess. You don't have to, I can just put on some music-“

„No, of course I can stay. I'd be more then happy to keep you company“

He souned so genuinely delighted, that you couldn't help but give him a smile.

Turns out, it was actually a good idea to leave the bed out in the open after all, as you laid down. You were trying not to think about how exposed you were to the rest of the room.

Steve helped, his presence on the other side of the bed kept you safe. And it didn't feel awkward at all, like you had imagined at first.

He rested against the headboard, talking to you while you tried to relax, allthough he was still a little nervous, as he would sometimes stumble over his words.

„I never thought I would have friends again, after everything that happened“, you mumbled with your eyes still closed, „I'm glad I came here...or that Fury put me in here with you guys, I should say“

You couldn't see the smile, but you heard it in his voice, „I'm also glad you're here with us“

And even after you fell asleep, he sat there, watching over you and making sure that you wouldn't wake up alone.

Chapter Text

November was over before it had even started. Things were going fine. You had fully recovered, the Devora had regained it's strength and you were able to improve on utilizing your energy a little bit.

It was just a few weeks before Christmas, and the whole complex was plastered in decorations, mostly because of Tony, but you couldn't hide the fact that you were obsessing over brightening every tiny corner of the building.

He just took the blame, when Natasha or Bucky would get annoyed at yet another decoration appearing in one of the common areas.

He had been delighted by your suggestion to put reindeers onto the rooftop, which could glow in all colors. Even went as far as to put the entire cast of Santas reindeer-sleigh in order up there.

It wasn't as bad for the others, since no one ever really went up there but you.

Wanda loved the christmas trees you had placed into the common areas and had offered to decorate them with you. They were all natural of course, so their scent could carry through the room. It was great. Truly.

And it was the first time in over a decade that you would celebrate christmas again. You were so excited that you simply couldn't give a fuck about what anyone else thought.

Not when you'd get the chance to do all those traditions from your childhood again. Cookies and gingerbread houses, hot chocolate with cinnamon and whipped cream. Handmade garlands, christmas lights and cozy socks. The team loved your baking, loved that there was a constant supply of sweets throughout the entirety of winter. That might've been the reason why they had all agreed to visit a christmas market with you as well. You had picked one in brooklyn, just so Bucky and Steve would even consider coming, but they didn't even mind that much in the first place.

You had still offered them to show you some of their favorite places in return, since it would be your first time. Generally speaking, you didn't know shit about New York. You had alway lived in a small town. College was the only time in your life you had experienced a bigger city, and even that was nothing in comparison to New York.

So that's how you spent your days now, mostly out of the complex, somewhere in New York with Steve Steve, since he was so eager to help you explore. He knew so many places, so many things that had changed significantly in the past decades, he was your very own tour guide basically.

„Why do I not get invited?“, Bucky asked one day, making you and Steve pause in your planing for the next trip. He had been rambling about some museum and tried to show you a route were you could walk along the promenade afterwards. And all the while Bucky had been eating his dinner in silence and watched you both.

„I thought you hated sight-seeing?“, you asked, confused about his little bit of attitude.

Steve stared him down for a bit, before he leaned back, „You can come, I don't mind.“

Bucky glared at him.

What the hell was going on?

„I mean...we wanted to visit that one restaurant anyway, right? Maybe we could do that on a seperate day“, you tried to lift the mood again, but for some reason that annoyed Bucky even more.

„Whatever, you can go on without me.“, he stood up and left the kitchen.

You were so confused.

„What's his problem?“, you asked Steve who had the most 'I don't care' expression you had ever seen on him.

„Probably mad that he doesn't get to show you all these places.“

But you had asked him more then once to join you both, there had always been an excuse ready, why he couldn't come.

„Should I talk to him?“, you wondered out loud.

He didn't answer you, instead he started scribbling onto one of the flyers he had brought with him.

Something was definetely going on with these two, and before that wasn't settled, you wouldn't be able to visit any more places without remorse.

„I'll be right back“, you said as you were already rushing to the elevator and ignored Steve calling after you to just leave him be.

Bucky was in the living room, clearly distraught and trying to act like he wasn't, while Sam was working on cheering him up anyways.

When he saw you step out of the elevator, he tried to look even less distraught, resulting in the exact opposite.

„Hey, can we talk for a second?“, you asked, voice sweet as honey.

He nodded hesitantly and looked at Sam, who just watched you both for a moment, before it clicked, „Oh, alone! Right, right. I'll leave, my bad guys“

„So?“, you started, after seeing the door shut behind him, „What's the matter with you and Steve?“

„Nothing“

Alright, he wanted to make this hard for you, it seems.

„Okay, so you have a problem with me then?“

He looked angry for a moment, but as soon as he looked into your eyes, it was gone, „No...I don't have a problem with you, or Steve“

„Then why don't you want to come with us? You wanted to show me Brooklyn, right?“

His gaze softened even further, „I do...I just- It's weird if Steve is also there. Feels like another lifetime.“

„Oh“, you said, as you realized what this meant for him, „I didn't really think about that, I'm sorry“

„What is there to be sorry for, Y/N? Seriously...“, he snapped at you.

For some reason, that didn't really faze you, it was clear that there was something going on, you just didn't know what yet.

„You wanna go alone then? You can probably show me places that Steve didn't.“

He leaned back on the sofa, sighing as he closed his eyes, „How do you never care, when I talk to you this way? Makes it even worse, when I fuck up“

„What do you mean, how did you fuck up? I don't see what you did wrong, except for walking out on me in the kitchen“, you crossed your arms infront of your chest, „I enjoyed spending time with you outside this complex, you know. No danger, no mission, just some quality time. And now you act like it's the worst thing ever“

He thought about your words, guilt flickering in his eyes, „It was nice. I liked it, but... I just wish-“, he sighed again, „Let's be honest, I'm bad in most social settings. I think it would've been better if it was just us two. But I'd make you chose between me and Steve, it doesn't seem fair.“

He was desperately waiting for you to say something, worried that it was too weird, too much.

„You guys are best friends, I just don't really get it. I would do the same thing twice, if it meant no one feels left out. But I think we would have more fun together, considering I can listen to twice as many stories, if you come with us. You probably have just as many to tell as Steve“, you grinned at him.

„Probably even more“, he mumbled, trying not to grin back at you, but the corners of his mouth were twitching for a moment.

„Then come“, you held your hand out to him, „We can still plan a trip alltogether, we haven't decided on anything yet.“

There was more conflict on his features , as he looked at your hand.

„That restaurant...with the flowers and all- I want to go there with only you. No one else.“

You raised your eyebrows at him, „Of course, if you want that“, no way in hell would you deny a chance to spend time with him all alone.

When he got up to actually take your hand in his, you got really nervous all of a sudden. You were hoping he couldn't hear how fast your heart was beating, and tried to act as if it was the most normal thing for you to hold his hand.

But the way he looked at your fingers for a moment, before intertwining them with his really had you loose your mind. There was no way he didn't hear your breath catching in your throat.

This was your self-made misery, you couldn't blame anyone but yourself.

„Alright...“, your voice was higher than usual, maybe a little too airy, but he didn't say anything, just followed you into the elevator.

You hadn't actually expected him to take your hand in the first place, maybe he was just being nice.

It was supposed to be more of a gesture after all. But now you couldn't let go anymore, there was no way you'd ever refuse a situation where you could be closer to him. Even if that meant you were gonna go insane.

He didn't mind it. For some reason he was totally fine with holding your hand the whole way down, and just before you let go of him, to avoid having to explain it to Steve, you felt his thumb gently brush over your hand. Such a small touch, but it sent shivers up your spine.

You couldn't look at him, you might've lost all control otherwise.

„Alright, now we can plan our next trip!“, you said overly excited when you sat back down with Steve, hoping that Bucky wouldn't need you to guide him anymore.

He sat down on your other side, leaning in close, to see whatever Steve had layed out in front of him.

His scent was driving you even crazier. You had trouble concentrating on what they were saying. Good thing that they could keep this up without you, while you miserably tried to collect yourself out of the puddle your insides had melted into.

You're going feral, Y/N , the other being in you was enjoying your inner conflict of course. They weren't even trying to calm your nerves, they were just watching you go crazy.

„What do you think?“, Steve suddenly asked.

Oh shit.

„Uh, what?“, you cleared your throat.

„Coney Island, would you rather visit in the summer? Personally I think it's more fun in the warmer months“, he said, searching your eyes for a moment.

„I agree, if you really want the whole experience, we shouldn't do it in the winter“, Bucky nodded.

Both of their eyes layed upon you, anticipating your answer as if it was lifechanging.

Their gaze was so intense, you felt it on every inch of your body.

You took a shaky breath, a small whimper escaping as you tried to gather your voice. It was so deeply embarrassing, how the presence of these two men was able twist your mind into the weirdest directions.

Not that they were scaring you, but both of them so close was definetely something you had to get used to, now that you could feel everything again.

„Yea no, let's do it in Summer. Sounds good“, you smiled through your raging thoughts, „Whatever“

And the way they both looked at you, as if they knew exactly what was going on, had you rethink your whole plan to get them both come sight-seeing together.

You had to have a death wish, there was no way you'd survive them all by yourself.

„Let's go to the museum, either that or whatever else you guys can think of, I just wanna take a walk on the promenade“, you nodded, still not meeting their eyes.

„Then let's just do that and then we go eat somewhere, there should be enough places nearby for a quick bite“, Steve mumbled as he looked at his phone, „Tomorrow sound good?“

You and Bucky both agreed and you felt like you could breathe again, when Steve finally leaned back in his chair. But in that moment something cold touched your cheek. Bucky let his metal hand linger on the hot skin to cool you down a little.

„You catching a fever?“, he asked, his voice so low it drove even more heat into your face.

„I hope not“, you tried to squeeze out, already debating the fastest way out of this situation, without looking weird.

„Can't let you get sick so close to christmas, you should rest a bit if you don't feel well.“, Steve chipped in, „I can make some tea if you want.“

„NO-no I'm fine, I'll just lay down for a bit“, you said, already getting up and out of the kitchen.

They were most definetely playing with you, they had to. There was no chance they were so oblivious.

Bucky and Steve sat in silence for a while, after you left. Not uncomfortable, but each of them had to unpack what had just happened.

If they had actually witnessed you shying away from them- and why.

„We should take her ice-skating.“, Steve said, still lost in thought.

„Why?“

„Imagine how she will have to hold onto one of us the whole time, she would be so flustered, I can't imagine.“, he laughed.

Buckys eyes widened, „You wanna humiliate her?“

„No, just see more of those rosy cheeks“, Steve grinned at him, „I know you always had a thing for teasing girls, when we were younger. I kinda understand it now.“

The thought that Steve was enjoying how you would get flustered, wasn't sitting well with him.

But on the other hand, it was nice to see his friend feel this way, after such a long time. And how could he even deny it, when it was so easy to get you to blush.

The shock in your eyes, as he'd tried to cool you down.

He hadn't really thought about what he was doing in that moment, he just couldn't stop staring at you, how you were trying so hard not to look embarrassed.

„About that place she mentioned, is that in brooklyn? Should we go there tomorrow?“, Steve asked.

Buckys jaw tightened a bit. How was he supposed to explain to him, that he wanted to be alone with you?

That in his mind that restaurant was meant for you and him, and no one else- without sounding like an idiot.

„No, it's not“, he lied.

Great, that was definetely better than sounding like an idiot.

„Alright, I'll see what I can find then, or we'll just decide on the go“, he stood up, gathering everything on the table.

He hesitated before he actualy left and turned back towards Bucky, „Listen, I know you think it's not right. But I feel really good with her, she's diffirent...somehow lighter. It's just so nice to spend time with her. No matter where this might go, I want to embrace it and not worry about you judging me.“

„Why do you think I'm judging you?“

He did mind that Steve wanted to pursue you. But he couldn't say that.

„You keep acting like it didn't happen, but you saw me walk out of her room that one day, and you never let me explain wh-“

„Because I don't need to or even want to know what you guys were doing, okay? Stop.“, he gritted out through clenched teeth, „It's none of my business what she does with who.“

Steve looked at him in asbolute disbelief, „But it's not just anyone, it's me. And you are my best friend, maybe I would like to talk to you about these things, ever thought of that?“

That made him feel even worse. The implication that whatever you both had done, was so important to Steve, that he wanted him to know.

It was bad enough that Bucky was always so jealous of his best friend, even though he didn't want to. He was really trying to keep this under control, but whenever he saw them together, it was a full wave of feelings that came crashing over him.

Becasue he had denied himself to be close to you for so long, just so he now had to watch the person that was the most important to him, fall for you.

So whenever you'd give him these small chances to be with you, just you- he could never enjoy it. All he could think about was how Steve would feel about it, if he were to find out.

Find out how Bucky wanted to hold you in his arms, how he longed for your hands in his, the exact way you held it in the elevator. How he wanted to burry himself in your neck, wanted nothing more but to close his eyes and let your scent lull him in, while his fingers ran through your soft hair. How his body was still burning with the need to be close to you.

There was no good way of explaining that to Steve, without hurting him, and possibly himself as well.

Time would tell, what you and Steve really were. But at the moment you were spending most of your days with him. Which was a sign for Bucky to step back.

You were probably not even ready for things like this, there is no place for this sort of drama in your life. You wanted to get your mission done, and he should've stopped running after you already, but...

But the way you had asked him to stay, the very first thing coming out of your mouth before even opening your eyes. Calling out to him, right after he had tried to talk to you, when he had never even expected you to hear him.

It has been the last step, the line between him and you had been crossed, there was nothing holding those feelings back now, no matter how bad he wanted to shove them back and wait. For your sake.

He couldn't. And frankly, he didn't want to. Because it was one of the first times in basically 70 years he's felt this way for anyone, if there even was anyone at all that he's had such intense feelings for.

The way you talked, the way you walked into a room, the way you smiled, laughed, even the way you stuttered...all of that had such an impact on his overall mood of each day. If you weren't there, he was lost, if you were too close, he couldn't help but feel blessed. And no matter how often he tried to keep away, he was always pulled back, like you had your own gravity. Just for him. Like you were the centre of his fucking life.

He was working on fixing that, of course.

But for now? He would definetely relish in the memory of your face going all red for them. He had to keep himself from smiling at the image. How could someone be so ridicilously unaware and cute at the same time?

Everyone had decided that this christmas was the perfect opportunity to try the 'secret santa' thing that Stark had begged for ever since last winter. Of course all of the others were in on it, even though he thought it was weird.

He would've rather picked his closest friends to gift them something, instead of just one random person.

But what were the odds, that he picked your name?

He had to keep his face blank for the whole thing, while everyone else drew their names. Because there was just no way he got this lucky.

Even though he immediately started to panic over what he would have to get you. What would you like, was there something you needed? Was there something you might've hinted at in the last few days? He had to pay close attention from now on. Or maybe he should actually just ask you...

„What about those, that won't be here for christmas eve?“, you asked them after everyone got a name.

„Pretty sure you can give them their gift before they leave, and vice versa of course. Just don't open it until the 25th“, Tony said as he got up from the table, crumbling the little note into his jeans pocket.

You looked at him in confusion for a second, before your face lit up, „Oh right. The 25^th.“

„Yes, or did you want to wait 'til christmas is over?“, he asked as he looked at his watch for a moment.

„No, I just haven't celebrated christmas since I was 16, and you already get your gifts on the 24^th , at least that's how we did it. I never had a typical american christmas before.“

„24^th, never heard that before“, Steve mused as he looked at the others, as if to see what they thought about it.

„A lot of european countries have diffirent holidays, but many of them have the 24^th as the main christmas day in common.“, Wanda explained and smiled at you.

„Well you can hash it out by yourselves, what day you want to do it, I won't be here, so- I don't really care“, Tony said, before wishing everyone a good night.

„I didn't mean to overthrow the plans, I just didn't think about it until now. I don't care about the date“, you laughed nervously.

You were still a little on edge, when you looked at Bucky or Steve every now and then. He couldn't help the inner satisfaction it gave him.

„Too late now anyway, we all settled for certain days, since Clint, Nat and Tony will leave on the 24^th. Everythings planned out“, Sam said nodding at you, before also getting up, „And don't go exchanging your names, people. This is a sacred tradition!“, he gave everyone a stern look before leaving as well. Wanda and Vision followed him.

And you also looked like you wanted to get away as fast as possible, all but jumping out of your chair and speeding out of the kitchen without another word.

Steve snickered, as Natasha gave him a confused look, „What's that about?“

„She's nervous 'cause we're going on a date tomorrow“, Steve joked, but Buckys heart stopped for a second.

„Oh“, she just said, unimpressed, as if that was the most normal thing ever, „I'll see if I can calm her nerves a little“

Both men looked at her with furrowed brows.

„What? You think I can't console her just because I don't have arms as strong as yours?“

„Nat?!“, Steve squeeked.

„I'm just sayin', she's my friend as well, no matter what deal you got going on with her. I'll go ask her about the date“, she left.

Steve looked over at Bucky in panic, „She doesn't know I made a joke?“

He shrugged his shoulders, „I'm sure she knows, but she likes to cause trouble. You shouldn't have said that“

Immediately after, they heard your laugh in the hallway.

„Now it's too late anyways.“

After everyone was gone, Bucky still sat in the kitchen, brainstorming his gift options. This was definetely stressing him much more then it should. He'd known you for a while, sure. But it felt so important. Your first christmas with them...that was a lot of pressure. Even though it shouldn't be that hard.

Shortly after he decided it wasn't the right time for this, he got up to leave for his room as well.

A door shut in the hallway in that exact moment. He waited with anticipation if it was either you or Steve.

And to his delight, it was you who came into view, walking by the kitchen towards the elevator and looking at your phone.

You had headphones on, completely ignoring everything else while you pushed the button.

It seemed like one of you would always wander in on the other in this room. Always completely oblivious.

Guessing by your usual routine, you must've been on your way to the gym.

Maybe he had the chance to find out what you might like for a christmas gift. Even though he feared that he would make it too obvious. He was already short on social skills, but with you it was even worse.

Should he go after you? Was it weird? Everything was weird in his perception, but he's been training with you so often, it would be fine, right?

Only that there was a problem. You never meant to go to the gym.

And now he was standing there in the hallway, looking through the glass door where you were currently tying your hair up into a bun.

Your neck, your shoulders, even down the curve of your back, you looked so graceful, so...beautiful. It didn't help that you were wearing nothing more but a tight swimsuit, which was barely covering anything. It was the first time he saw you in such a revealing situation, your legs, your hips, your arms- so much skin.

It was driving him crazy.

And only after you let yourself down into the water, that he could finally snap out of it.

This wasn't right.

With his heart still bursting out of his chest, he made his way up into his room. As fast as possible.

He'd tried for so long now, to tell himself he wasn't being weird, that he wasn't being creepy, just because he wanted to be closer to you, because he would always miss your touch.

But this was diffirent.

This was too much.

When he sat down on his bed and tried to control his breathing, he realized just how much more of you he wanted.

What he wanted.

He felt too hot, felt restricted in his own body, while this overwhelming feeling spread everywhere.

The image of your gentle curves wouldn't stop showing up in his head, he didn't even want it to. But it was leaving him restless, confused.

Agitated.

Shower. He needed a shower. Ice-cold.

But even as the biting temperature of the water ran over him, the feeling didn't leave. Nothing fucking helped.

And with every second ticking by, he lost himself in his own thoughts. He tried to desperately get away from it, only to end up in something worse. Something that wasn't even real, something that was taking even more of his breath away.

There was no more water, no door, no glass between you and him. No clothes, not a single piece of fabric on your body.

The swimsuit had left nothing to the imagination, he should've seen this coming, should've stopped looking the first second he realized you weren't in the gym.

The scene played so slow, agonizingly so. How his hand brushed over your shoulder, down your arm, as you looked back at him. Your hair falling down over your back, the strands brushing against your skin while you let him touch you.

He let his fingertips hover over your waist for a moment, before he ran his hand down the curve of your hips. His second hand was joining on the other side, letting them wander over the expanse of your lower back, as if he needed to memorize every inch of it.

All he could hear was his own erratic breathing, he was too far gone now. Didn't realize what he was doing, how dazed he really was.

He's seen women, touched them, kissed them, did things with them that were deemed inappropriate. But that was another time- another life even.

He hadn't felt safe enough to let himself succumb to something like this for the past years, hadn't seen himself as enough of a person. And he still didn't see himself worthy, he wasn't allowed to think of you like this.

But now it was all there was, only you, your warmth, your body under his hands, your lips close to his as he felt you- needed you. Much more than he should.

The cold water did nothing for his burning skin, for the heat that was blooming inside of him and took over every inch, inside out. His mind was drifting further and further with every minute he stood there. It was a fantasy, but not to far to gather, or deem it delusional. Not enough.

He looked directly into your eyes, as your body was closing in on him. The feeling of your hands on his face, in the back of his neck, linking into each other. All those soft places under his own fingers.

He was drowning. Suffocating in his own lust.

His head leaned on the cold tiles as the water was still running over his back.

He kept himself steady against the wall, scared to cause any more movement to his overwhelmed body.

And he stood like that for what felt like an eternity, it was late when he finally came out of the bathroom. He was absolutely drained, everything felt wrong. Denying his urges and instincts was nothing new...but this felt diffirent.

It was surprising enough, that he had apparently healed the part of him that needed this kind of relief. But he hated that it was you, who he wanted.

It's been so long, since he felt someone so close, since he had this urge to touch anyone at all. So it was pure desperation that swam around in the pit of his stomach, whenever he thought of you.

He didn't sleep much that night. His mind kept wandering, and everytime it got too far he jumped out of bed to ground himself for a moment. Distracted himself for a while before laying back down.

But it never stopped.

Chapter Text

„I think we lost track of time, guys“, you told the two men that followed you out of the little Café, „It's already 5pm, do you think we can still go ice skating now? Isn't it a little too dark for that?“

They grinned.
„You're trying to chicken out, aren't you?“, Steve asked with one of his eyebrows raised.

You were neatly packed in warm coat, gloves and a scarf that was bundled up to your chin. They had trouble taking you serious as you glared at them.

„No!“

„Of course“, Bucky nodded, desperately trying to not sound too amused.

They had been spending the day in brookly, taking a walk, visited some small stores, watched you basically melt over every little trinket you came across- which Bucky tried to keep in mind for his list of possible christmas gifts.

But they were both hungry as hell not even 3 hours after leaving the house. You weren't mad, just told them that they had to make it up, for taking the last bit of daylight away from you.

The perfect opportunity for them to put their plan into practice.

And even though you weren't as nervous about it as they had hoped for, they knew that you were regretting your demand.

„Why ice skating?“, you mumbled and let them take the lead, „Didn't take you guys for people with these kind of interests.“

„It was really popular in the 30s, especially here in New York. Allthough I was never the best, it was fun enough to keep coming back“, Steve mused.

It wasn't nearly as bad as Bucky had thought it would be to spend time with Steve in Brooklyn. It was reminding him alot of old times. Some memories were vague and some so clear he couldn't help but be excited.

Allthough his friend had been significantly smaller back then, and was not a threat to the ladies he would bring or pick up along the way. Now he had to share.

And if you realized it or not, you had these two man walking around with you, pining for a crumb of your attention like dogs.

„You were never really athletic, so that's no surprise“, Bucky gave Steve a challenging grin, „But I couldn't let you miss out“

They really needed this, not just you, but him and Steve also hadn't felt this normal for a good while. The last years hadn't left much time for planning trips, so now they would take all they could, before things would go back to the usual. When the lazy breakfast talk would turn into early preparations for a mission instead, and eating out only when they had some time on their hands after a fight. Which never really happened that often.

He knew damn well, that Stark was making sure that the group had a longer break this winter, because he was always stressed, always on the phone, always running around with an annoyed look on his face and rant about Fury being a bitch.

So they had to cherish this time as much as they could.

When they arrived at the rink, there were still a lot of people, many parents with their children, some couples and even a group of very drunk old men that were bellowing christmas songs without knowing most of the texts.

„This is how you'd be, if you never got the serum, by the way“, you snickered as they kept watching them nearly fall over every few seconds.

„That's just mean“, Steve said as he pulled your hat over your eyes, but you couldn't stop laughing at them, especially since you got the exact reaction from the that you had hoped for, when they rolled their eyes at you.

„Ever did this before?“, Bucky asked as they all put on their skates.

„Does roller skating count?“

„Guess we'll have to find out“, Steve was waiting so badly to see you struggle.

Maybe they were taking it too far.

But as soon as you were on the ice, arms waving around for balance, those thoughts were gone.

They watched you slide a few meters, before you held onto the side of the rink already.

„This was so worth it“, he muttered as he gave Steve a grin.

After they catched up to you, they held off on making fun of you for a moment, as you found your balance, every few meters you had to grab onto one of them, before you would fall. They absolutely didn't mind though. Soon they started teasing you again, when you felt safe enough on your feet.

And even though it took a while, at some point you got so confident that you were skating along without them. Maybe you were tired of them making fun of you...who knows.

„It is like roller skating, when you actually understand how to hold yourself on these things“, you laughed as you came up to them.

Your cheeks were rosy from the cold, and not from their teasing. Even your nose was a little red, but your eyes were sparkling with stars and.

It warmed his heart to see you so full of joy, he wanted nothing more but to hug you and shake you and tell you how cute you were. It was driving him mad, how much he liked to see you happy.

You were nowhere near as shy as he remembered you from the first few months in the complex, the way you slid through the groups of people, even taking the hand of a random stranger that bumped into you, to run along with him for a bit.

„Well, I think we kind of failed“, Steve said, not even slightly disapointed that their plan didn't work out the way he wanted.

This was so much better anyway.

„You think she's going to come back to us at some point?“, he tried to keep track of you through the crowd.

„I hope so, but judging from all the people she's attracting right now, I guess we lost her“, he sighed, as a group of teenage girls built a chain with you, „I never seen her open up like this before, incredible“

It really was. You were smiling like crazy the whole time, your laugh carried through the rink at some moments, it was contagious. Like you were a completely new person.

„You lads with her?“, one of the drunk men asked as their group passed Steve and Bucky, who were leaning against the fence. A heavy irish accent rolled off his tongue as he pointed at you.

„Yes, why?“, Steve pried his eyes off you towards the group.

„Ah, thought I seen you enter the rink together“, one of the others started laughing, „She came up and asked for a sip of our schnaps, but she took the whole flask with her“

Their eyes went wide, „Oh god, I'm sorry, well get it back for you“, Bucky said, already searching for you again.

„All good, just wanted to let you know that it was homemade, better take care of her, fellas, I don't think she will be standin' all too well in a few minutes“

„Thank you for letting us know, we'll get her“, Steve said in all modesty.

„You lads have a good night, don't worry about the flask, we got more“, they started roaring with laughter the very second they got back into action.

„There, get her!“, Bucky motioned towards you as you came skating along the point were they stood and Steve snatched you right out of the crowd, before carefully shoving you to the railing.

You were giggling like a school girl, as you saw them, „Hey, where have you been? I was having so much fun by myself and you guys just stay here, all old and alone“

Both men looked at each other for a moment, in silent agreement.

She might've been drunk.

„Where's the flask?“

Your smile died down a little, but they saw the corners of your mouth twitching, „I don't have it, I gave it to someone else“

„You sure? So if we look into your pockets, we won't find any alcohol in there?“, Steve raised his eyebrows at you.

„Nope“

„Y/N“

„Okay, fine“, you groaned as you rummaged through your coat, pulling out a small silver flask.

„You know you stole this, right?“, Steve asked.

„Not really, they gave it to me.“

„For a sip“, Bucky pointed out.

„Well theres nothing left, so-“

„You drank the whole thing?“, Steve gaped at you, taking the flask to look inside, smelling at it, „This was strong, can you even handle that?“

„Probably, haven't been drunk in a while, like...14 years“

„You cannot be serious“, Bucky groaned, rubbing his hands over his face, „ We gotta get you home“

„Can we go back to the promenade first. Just for a little bit?“, you begged them with big eyes.

„No“

„Please“, you pouted, clasping your hands together.

„If you can make it there, okay. But the second you feel sick I'll call a cab“, Steve sighed, ignoring Buckys stern look.

You dragged them off the ice and away from the rink, after returning the skates.

It was pretty obvious that you weren't as sober as you pretended. But you took it a lot better than he had expected.

Halfway to the promenade, you took off the scarf and hat, your hair was all messy and your cheeks still red.

„You're gonna catch a cold, Y/N“, Steve said as he tried to tugg your coat up to protect you from the wind.

„I'm fine, grandpa. It's way too hot in this fucking thing anyways“, you groaned before also stripping off the rest of your coat, carrying it on your arms.

They looked at each other again, completely lost on what to even do with you at this point.

„This is your fault“, Bucky mumbled towards his friend, „Was your idea to go ice-skating“

„Hold on now, she's an adult, it was her decision to get drunk“

„I'm not drunk“, you slurred turning back to them.

Your looked at them a little dazed, trying to focus on each of their faces with half lidded eyes, before giving them a smug grin.

„You're just jealous, 'cuz you can't get drunk“

„So you are drunk“, Bucky pointed out, trying not give into the laughter that was building up in him.

But you just shrugged your shoulders, turning back around.

By the time they arrived at the promenade, you had cleared your head a little, but you were still swaying a bit too much for their taste.

Allthough, what did it even matter that you were drunk, if they could see you be so happy. The way you ran up the way alongside the railing and towards the huge christmas tree on the sidewalk, it really made it worth it.

They followed you, realizing that little white flakes were starting to rain down on them.

„Oh my god“, you looked up into the sky, „This is the perfect moment for first snow, that is so cool“

„Indeed...“, was all Bucky could say.

And he knew Steve was just as stunned to speak, as they watched you stare up into the sky with such a bright smile, before looking back at them. You were illuminated by all the christmas lights on the street, the warm glow around you made it look like you were your own little sun.

„Thank you, really. I think I have never had this much fun in a long time“, your tone was so soft, no more slurring.

„Me too“, Steve answered, just as entranced by you as Bucky was.

They stayed for a while, waiting for the snow to lay itself over the world.

The sight of snow has always been hard for him.

But thankfully it was a little diffirent with you and Steve around, with the colors everywhere, the quiet splashing of water and the gentle laughter of the other people in his ears- of children. He would never be able to override his memories, but if he got to make new ones, that would compete with those scary thoughts, it might become easier with time.

And this moment would be one of those. It would be one of those memories that would calm him, make him see the world with diffirent eyes in the future, because it was so light, so good. And you were a part of it.

He was hoping to get the chance to make even more of those, that you would become one of the things that would last forever. It might be delusional, but he had to think this way, otherwise his heart would tear apart.

„Tonight was great“, you said as you leaned against Steves shoulder.

The three of you were squeezed into the back of the cab, that they had called to get home.

You're alcohol tolerance might be better than most, but you were still a bit out of it.

The whole way home, even though you were leaned so close to Steve, Buckys hand was wrapped around yours tightly. Again.

And this time he didn't feel bad about it at all. And he most defninitely didn't regret coming along for this little trip anymore. He would've missed so many moments, that he would never forget. Like the moment that you fingers slipped into his. Careful, to make sure he was fine with it, as you intertwined them, squeezing them ever so slightly. A signal to never let go.

It was too warm. You were laying in your bed, and even though the windows were all open and the cold of the night was streaming into your room, you were sweating.

Writhing around in your bed, as if that could help.

Maybe it was the alcohol. But to be honest, it was probably more of a mix of diffirent things.

For example the heat that pooled in your lower regions whenever you woke up in the middle of the night, after you had another dream with him.

It wasn't the real Bucky, you knew that. It was the version that some part of you made up, sure. But it was still his face, still his voice. Of the man that you spoke to on a day to day basis. The man you had fallen for.

That really wasn't helping the situation at all.

And now on top of that, you had alcohol in your system, something that you've never done, ever since you had to share your body with another lifeform.

And it was definetely an experience.

Twice as funny, right?

„You're not funny. Like ever“, you mumbled as you sat up in bed, yanking the blanket off.

That's just not true. I know exactly how funny you find it, when I show you all those little memories of-

„Oh yea, the memories of moments I'd rather not remember mostly, like spilling a bottle of orange juice in front of the whole team? Yea, really funny“, you groaned.

But something else blitzed into your mind. So short that you barely had the attention to react to it.

I can show you something better, if you don't like my other memories

„Just stop being weird, how about that“

Am I the weird one? Or you? It's your mind after all

The picture popped up again, longer this time.

It was Bucky. Of course it was Bucky.

You swung your feet off the bed, trying to feel the carpet with your toes, hoping that every little sensation could keep those thoughts away, but your body felt hotter with every passing second.

You know why I do this.

„Yeah, you love to annoy me“

I love to feel. Your emotions are all I get, day in and out. So this is my only entertainment. And your feelings for him are so strong, so delic-

„Like I said“

Another picture of him, and this time it stayed. Whenever you closed your eyes, he was there. And you really wanted to keep them closed.

To see his arms flex around your body, his sweat soaked into his shirt, while he held you down onto the mat. And his hands...they were just...god.

Ironic, how you were once so scared to see them, and now you want them to do the exact thing to you, that would've cost you your life

Your eyes shot open, „You can't say that!“, you choked out, „That's not even true, he is not the winter soldier, it's not the same“

I know, but I already told you. I'm funny

You groaned again, shaking yourself a little, as if that would make those thoughts leave.

But instead, the heat in your core got even worse, overwhelming.

„Please stop“, you begged to the Devora, „I get it, you're funny and all, I love your jokes, haha, see I laughed“

I'm not doing anything. This is all you. Allthough I can agree, you would probably not feel this strong without me, I am merely a catalyst, and not the source

You couldn't help the low whine that escaped your throat as your legs involuntarily rubbed together.

And you closed your eyes again, as a new picture appeared before you. Resting against the back of a couch, head leaned back, mouth slightly agape and a hand between-

This wasn't real. This was not a memory.

It took all your willpower to not moan. Instead you fell back into the bed, grabbing a pillow to burry yourself in, as the heat inbetween your thighs was still growing.

„You're mean..“, you whispered into the pillow.

He will never know. Unless you want him to of course.

The next picture was not just him. You were stood with your back towards him as his metal hand vanished under your shirt, while the other went into your pants. You had to bite your tongue to keep the sounds back.

Not what you want? Then maybe...

You gasped, your hips were twitching as you saw the next picture.

His hand in your hair, as you sat infront of him, watching down at you with such a lustful gaze.

„Please. Just stop“, you mewled, clawing at the fabric underneath you, as your hand subconciously moved between your legs.

Such a loathsome mind.

Of course, it wasn't just you, but the Devora knew exactly what you wanted. Knew about all your desires and fantasies, even if you might've forgotten them at some point.

He will never know, he can't. You could never look at him again, if he knew how fucking dirty your thoughts were.

You felt the Devora shift around in your mind, restless and carefully choosing what to show you next, as if it was flipping through a photobook.

The next scene was simple, not as filthy as before, but just as sensual.

This one is my new favorite

You stood with your back to him, his hands were roaming over your back, soft touches to your naked skin as he leaned in towards you, a kiss to your shoulder. Water was running somewhere in the background, as his breath fanned over your neck.

But it was his perspective, not yours, which made it so much more thrilling.

You burried back into the pillow, as your fingers moved inside of you, feeling just how aroused you had been.

It didn't even take long, with all that built up denial and heat already coursing through your system.

And as you cried your orgasm into the fabric, the room around you finally felt cold again.

Wasn't that fun?

„Fuck you..“

Chapter Text

„Who?“

„Oh, he's an old friend“, Natasha told you as you walked down the street with her an Pepper, „More like an old colleague.“

„Right. Wait, I thought no one knew where he was?“, you asked them.

„Yes, for a while. But another friend picked him up and took him in. You know Thor?“

„You mean the god? The one that fought with you against his own brother?“, you raised your eyebrows at them.

„Exactly. So, turns out they're back to being buddies again, they got Bruce back to earth and then decided to stay for a while. Tony invited them for his new-years party.“

„And that's why I need a dress.“, you completed the thought process.

„Well, yes and no. I think having a few dresses is always good, you never know what you might need it for. And to think you didn't even have one, ugh“, Pepper shook her head at the thought of your fairly empty wardrobe.

„Okay, I get it. It's not that I don't want to wear them at all, but I literally didn't have a single situation in the last few years where I would've needed one.“

„Now you do.“, Natasha nodded as she cut you off to enter one of the stores, „Trust me, I don't like this either, but I can't let you come to that party with jeans and a t-shirt.“

„I coul've worn a dress shirt to my jeans“, you mumbled as you followed her, but you didn't mind them helping.

You had been to a few shops already, but none of them were close to formal or pricey enough for Pepper.

She wanted you to get the full experience, when you visited the Stark-Tower. And with all the guests coming, it might be the better choice to fit in, then rely on the few clothes you had.

„This is the one, I can feel it“, she said as she walked through the aisles.

„You said that about the last three as well“, Natasha mumbled as she looked at some of the more classic variants of a cocktail dresses.

You were so lost in these stores, the only dress you ever had to pick out so carefully was for your junior-high prom. And that was a lot easier than this.

„I'll look over there“, you said and motioned towards another corner, „You can pick something if you think it fits me, I'll just try it all on.“

Easier to let them decide. If you had to choose by yourself, it would end in a disaster, you were not fit for shopping at all.

After a while of looking through the store, both of them took you to the dressing room.

There were a lot of black and red dresses, not really your colors. But you would just choose whatever fit you best and didn't look too horrendeous.

„No...“, Pepper said watching you turn around for them, „this just isn't working. Why do none of these work?“

„Maybe I'm just too ugly for fancy dresses“, you shrugged your shoulders.

They looked at you in shock.

„Y/N, do you ever think before you speak?“, Natasha said and held back a laugh.

„Sometimes“

„You have a great figure, that is not the problem. Your hair is also fine, your shoulders are good, maybe you have to try on some shoes with them.“, Pepper mused as she inspected you.

„Or I need a diffirent color“

They both hummed, thinking about it.

„Sure, something brighter maybe. And you got all these cute fluttery shirts, maybe that's more your thing“

„Most definetely“, you snickered, before going back into the store.

Of course, black was the easiest variant to find, they had a much bigger selection for those.

Finding something that was softer and lighter was so hard you nearly gave up. But at some point Natasha waved you over.

„Look, this one!“, she said holding up a short dress with the tiniest shoulder straps you had ever seen.

„That will never secure all of this“, you motioned towards your chest.

„Oh, please.“, she scoffed as she handed it to you, „Just try it on before you judge.“

You did. And you judged.

„This is so...“

„Pretty“, said Natasha.

„Cute“,Pepper added.

„Revealing“, you stated turning away from the mirror towards them, pointing your fingers at your sides, were the fabric reached just enough around you to cover your chest. The whole back was open, except for a few straps that were running crosswise like a corset. But it was not enough, especially the length.

„It is a bit short, yes. But the fabric looks really nice, and the color suits you.“

At least Pepper had something positive to say for once.

„You should take it.“, Natasha said as well.

„Are you serious?“, you gaped at them.

„It's perfect, honestly. It has it all, its nice and flowy and has a little bow in the back where you tie the strings and a low neckline, very flattering and a good spot for a necklace.“

„I don't have any“, you said, making them stare in silence.

„Didn't you go shopping together?“, Natasha asked Pepper.

„We did, but I didn't know she had literally nothing in her closet, okay?“

„I am still here“

„Just take it, we can buy another one of the black cocktail dresses if you don't feel comfortable, but this is absolutely you, Natasha is right“, Pepper nodded to herself as she turned you back around by the shoulders, „Let's also get some shoes, while were already here“

„I'll take this“, you held up a dark red velvet dress.

„That is just as short“, Natasha pointed out, raising an eyebrow at you.

„Yes, but it has sleeves, and my tits won't fall out if I turn around too fast“, you smiled at them, before going back inside the booth to get into your own clothes. You heard Pepper clear her throat before she mumbled something about looking for shoes.

„Hurry up, we'll wait at the cashier.“

Honestly, it wasn't as bad. The dress was exactly what you would wear, but not in public. Not with so many people that could look at you...at your legs, specifically.

Especially if Bucky would also come, which was the case. He was part of the team, and they were all invited. Did you really want him to see you in such a dress?

Well.

Actually...

He would be lucky to lay his eyes on you in such a dress

Maybe it was just the thrill of it, but your heart began to beat just a bit faster at the thought of him letting his gaze wander over your back...your thighs...

„You got everything?“, a Voice shook you out of your thoughts.

The Devora was laughing at you, when you felt caught in the headlights- meaning Natasha.

„Uh, no. Actually I wanted to go and pick up the present for christmas.“

„Ahh“, she grinned at you, „Should I come with you?“

„No, it's called secret santa after all“

„You mean the secret names we swapped on the same evening, because I knew you would want to get Barnes a gift anyway?“

„Nat!“, you hissed, looking back at Pepper at the cashier, but she didn't seem to hear you.

„Relax, I don't mind, you know. You guys are really good together. He's gotten a lot more lively since you both spend so much time together“

On the inside you were screaming. But on the outside you just smiled at her, nodding gently.

„Thank you. But I still wanna go by myself, you guys can go on ahead, I'll call a taxi or something“

„Alright then, well just put your stuff in your room. Good luck“, she waved at you as she went over to Pepper, who also waved for a moment, before going back to talking with the store asisstant.

Your Idea of a present for Bucky was something boring, in itself. But you were sure he would like it, at least enough to not be disapointed in you.

After Steve had told you, that he did in fact have a record player, you decided to get him a vinyl.

A record from the 40s preferably, but you weren't sure if you were going to find anything. You had looked online for stuff like that, but those were all so expensive, it felt like they were trying to rip you off.

And the one shop you found that sold older disks had nothing older then the 60s. And there wasn't really that much time, to look through every store in New York, the thought stressed you out anyways.

So now you were headed to an atique store you had found on your little trip with Steve and Bucky. None of them had paid attention to it, but your eyes had immediately landed on the vinyl in the window.

And it was an antiuque store, so they just had to have something old, right?

You would've asked Steve, if he knew about a song Bucky would like, but you were too scared, he'd find out that it was for christmas and spoil the surprise for him.

When you arrived at the store and went inside, you thought for a second that it might actually be closed, there was no one at the counter and no customers. But as you walked further in, a man appeared from the backroom, he was rather small and pretty old, his beard grey and white at parts. He put his glasses on and looked at you, „Ah, a customer. What can I do for you?“

You couldn't really decipher the accent in his voice.

„Hi, uh, I saw you have records in the display up front. I want to buy a vinyl for a...friend of mine“, you said smiling sweetly, when he perked up and walked around the counter as fast as he could.

„I have a few, yes. Most of the things I have are brought in by people who don't need them anymore, I just restore what still works. Those“, he pointet towards the window at the front, „They are broken, but it looks nice, right?“, he laughed as he looked up at you, before searching around in one of the shelfs and pulled some records out.

„I have these, or the ones over there in the box, I just haven't tested them yet“

„Are any of these from the 40s?“, you looked at the covers, searching for a date or a year.

„Hmm, no I don't think so.“, he pondered for a moment, as he scratched his beard, „However- if you could wait for a moment“

He left you there, waddling back to the room behind the counter.

You heard another door opening, then huffing as the old man came back out with a whole record player, before he went back to gather a box full of more records.

„No, no, no“, he mumbled as he skipped through them, „no- aha, here I knew it. This one, come! Listen“, he waved you over as he put the record on and placed the needle.

You stood next to him, waiting for the song to play, while the old man watched you excitedly.

„I know this, Is that a cover?“

„Oh caro, no! This was the first version that was written in 1948. It was my wives favorite. We danced to this so often, probably every night.“

„If it's your wives favorite, then I shouldn't take it from her“, you said a little sad.

Even if the song was well known, the tune, the sound, the voice. It was exactly what you had been looking for, allthough you would've prefered something like jazz.

„No, my wife is not with me anymore. She passed away five years ago“

Your face dropped, „I'm so sorry“

„Don't be. She was happy, she was ready. And she would have loved for someone to take this song and keep listening to it. It makes me sad when I hear it by myself.“, he gave you a bittersweet smile, letting the song play for a little moment longer.

Dancing to it every night. That was dedication. And while you could say that was natural for a married couple, you couldn't help but imagine Bucky listening to this song.

His younger version, with that sweet boyish smile and the sparkling eyes. How he would dance to this song with some girl, maybe his wife, grinning from ear to ear while shamelessly flirting.

Maybe with you...would he have liked you if you'd met him back then? Before the war?

You didn't notice the shop owner staring, until the song was over, but he kept looking at you, a strange glint in his eyes.

„Is this for someone more than just a friend?“, he asked you.

„Uh, uhm- I mean, we are just friends.“ , you stuttered.

He gave you a knowing smile, „This is not a face you make, when you think about a friend, caro, whoever that person is, you feel more. These kind of songs, they don't make this anymore. Today is all about heartbreak and never about how precious it is to fall in love. I fell in love with my wife every day, no matter how long we knew eachother. And this look in your eyes- you cannot fool me“

You swallowed.

If it was that obvious, did any of the others know it as well? Or was this man just incredibly good in depicting emotions?

„And if you found someone that likes to listen to something like this, keep them, caro.“, he smiled at you again, before he put the record back into the cover.

„Okay...I'll take it“, for some reason this converstaion made you nervous.

But at the same time, you could imagine that Bucky might also enjoy it, if he had just a little bit of this boy left that was alway so peckish and charming.

„Good“, the man said, as he got out another record, „And this one, also one I really liked. These are the only two that I have from the 1940s“

„Then I'll take them both“, you said, already getting out your purse.

But as you wanted to put the money on the counter, he stopped you, grabbing your hand and closed it.

„That song is made for you, caro. You deserve love, you're still so young“, he patted the back of your hand as you gave him a confused look, „My wife would be so happy, if she knew her favorite song made it into someone elses heart“

His words stunned you a little. You couldn't do much bit stare at him when you took the records he held out to you.

„Then let me pay for something else!“, you said, feeling bad.

He shook his head, „Take it. And if your friend likes it, you come back and tell me about it, I'd love to know how long it will take...“, he chuckled.

You took the records and thanked him again, „I'll come back and tell you about it, I promise“

When the 25^th came around you were so nervous, that you didn't eat all day, too scared to meet anyone. Thinking about Bucky receiving your gift was nice in theory, but now that you imagined him listening to the songs, those love songs. What would he think? What were you supposed to say?

Maybe that it had been all you could find? Well that was the truth in some way, but still.

All you did that day was waiting. And you took a shower. A long shower. So long you thought your skin might've fallen off by the end of it.

And what would you wear? Now that you had been out to get a dress, all your other clothes felt so tacky, nothing worth wearing for festivities. And you wanted tonight to be nice...

Maybe you could wear one of the dresses. But whichever one you wore tonight you couldn't wear to the party in a few days.

And no way in hell would you wear that slutty dress for such a small gathering.

You groaned, as you curled up on your bed, hungry and stressed.

It will be fine

„How would you know. Not like you ever had a crush on someone“

How would you know

It was laughing at you, at your misery.

As always.

Red is a good color for christmas

That was true. Maybe it wasn't so bad after all, that you got the next best dress besides that skimpy little thing.

You get ready and I will play some music for you

You were about to decline that offer, but it was already too late.

„You suck“, you mumbled as you tried to concentrate on anything else than the song in your head. Also a love song, not that you needed to be any more nervous.

But by the time you did your make-up you were already singing along quietly.

„Were do I even know this song from?“, you asked them.

A movie you watched religiously back when it came out. One of your only good memories from college.

The gears in your head were turning as you tried to remember, „Oh my god. That was so long ago“

Still a good song, don't you think? Wouldn't you want a certain someone to kiss you?

Your groaned as the song started again.

„Enough now, you had your fun“, you mumbled as you put on some tights to wear under the dress.

„Alright, I'm so ready for the gifts, Y'all, let's go!“, Sam clapped into his hands as everyone was finally done with their food.

Wanda and Vision had made a traditional american christmas dinner. You've never eaten turkey for christmas before, but it wasn't too bad. Not when they were so fussy about doing it the right way.

Everyone followed Sam into the lounge, where one of your christmas trees stood, lit up and presents already placed underneath, for the homey feeling. Tony had also hung some stockings in the fireplace, filling them with little bits and sweets before leaving. That man had more of a child in him than anyone else in this team.

Your nerves were laying blank at this point, you hadn't had the strength to really look at Bucky for the whole evening, only greeted him as he came down from his room, looking at you with wide eyes and a simple, „You look nice“

You weren't the only one that was dressed so formally, Wanda and Steve also had made an effort, for the special occasion.

„Okay, who goes first?“, Sam asked as everyone settled down. You sat on the floor with Steve right by the presents, while the others took a seat in the chairs and on the sofa.

„I'd say we go from youngest to oldest, no?“, Wanda asked, looking at Vision.

„Considering I am merely a few years old, I'll have to start, huh?“, he smiled at her as she tried to keep herself from laughing.

She let one of the presents float towards him, „I'ts from Tony“

„Oh, how fitting.“, Steve said.

In the package was just a T-Shirt, and as everyone realized what was on it, there was a mutual groan in the group.

„He got you his own Merch?“, you asked shaking your head in disbelief.

„That's Tony. I remember he got Sam an Iron Man plushie for his birthday last year“

„Okay, now that we got the most underwhelming present behind us, whos next?“, Sam rubbed his hands together.

Wanda let her own present float over, it was neatly packaged and had a little bow on top, considering Sams bright grin, it must be from him. It was a book. A collection of slavic fairytales.

„Thank you, Sam“, she smiled at him before brushing over the binding, „This looks old, where did you get it?“

„Ah, I got my sources, y'know? But try to be carefull with the back, I hink it's a little fragile.“

„It's great, really. Thank you so much“, her eyes lit up as she scanned over the first pages.

„Y/N, you're next“, Steve said, as he reached over for your present.

It was from bucky.

You looked up at him, seeing him shift around a little.

What were the chances?

Of course, you kind of cheated, but Nat knew you would've loved to pull his name, that's why she offered to trade.

But he had also gotten yours.

It's Fate

Your hands were shaking a little as you carefully unwrapped the present. Bedsheets.

Cotton, with Sunflowers on them.

You couldn't help the wide smile as you looked at them.

„This is..oh my god“, you looked back at him, „I love them, Thank you, Bucky“

He didn't really know what to do with himself, as he leaned back on the couch again, stuttering a little under all the attention, „I just- you like sunflowers, and- I mean I saw you always just sleep with a blanket. I thought maybe you might need some...those fit you better than those grey ones we all have“

You were still grinning widely, not able to hide how much this meant to you. Not that it was anything crazy to gift someone bedsheets, but the fact he got them because he had been so observant.

You never told anyone, how much you hated the satin sheets, and you never bothered to get new ones, since you were fine with your blanket. Now you would get to use the actual bedding.

You had the urge to get up and hug him, but you stopped yourself.

Not in front of the others, maybe later.

Sam had gotten his from clint, it was a game for an older console, you weren't sure which one, but he got super excited about it.

„Oh we gotta play this some time, you'll love it, trust me“, he told them.

Steves was from Nat, since you had picked him originally.

She got him a dark Navy blue blazer, you recognized the packaging from the store where you got your dresses from. Maybe she remembered that she also had to get a gift, after you told her you wanted to pick up yours and just bought whatever she could find there.

„For new years, apparently“, he said after reading the little card she put in with it.

And then it was time for Buckys presents.

You tried to keep calm as Steve handed him both the records, that you had wrapped seperately.

„I thought we had a one present rule?“, Vision asked.

„Who cares“, Sam said, „ Let that man have his presents, he never let's us celebrate his birthday, this is the consequence“

Bucky looked at you for a moment, as he realized they were from you. You couldn't tell what that look was supposed to mean. Maybe he also found it funny, that you had both gifted eachother.

„Wait, this is from Y/N“, Steve immediately picked it up, looking between the two of you, „What a coincidence“, he mused glaring at his best friend jokingly, thinking he was the one who might've cheated.

„What is it?“, Wanda asked leaning forward to see better.

Bucky just stared at the records and at the card you put with them.

You weren't sure if it was such a good idea to let him read it now, as the text might've been a little emotional, but he already opened it, before you could say anything.

And with every line the crease between his eyebrows deepened. As he looked back up at you, there was such a small second were you could have sworn his eyes were a little glassy, but he quickly blinked a few times before carefully putting it to the side. He didn't say anything, and you were glad he didn't because that was way too much for the whole gathering.

He studied the records, thinking about it for a moment, and asked Steve if he still had his own record player.

Your stomach dropped.

No. No way that he would listen to it when all the others were around.

„Sure, I can get it, it's not hard to set up“, Steve walked away, leaving you to sit on the floor by yourself, as your hands started to sweat.

„Oooh, vinyls. Didn't know you even had an actual music taste“, Sam joked as he propped one of his legs over the other.

„I do, and I bet it's a lot better then whatever you listen to“, Bucky said, earning him a gasp from Sam.

Steve came back and put the player down onto the little sideboard next to the fireplace, „Alright, you know how it works, right“

„It's the exact same that I have, Steve. We bought them together“, Bucky muttered as he took one of them out of it's cover.

It was the one you had listened to in the shop.

You were feeling a little sick from being so nervous, so you got up and wanted to sit down besides Sam, just in case you had to bolt towards the bathroom, but then the song started playing.

Everyone got quiet, and you didn't dare to move from your spot.

„It's the original from 1948, not the version everyone knows“, you muttered, „I had to search a while to even find anything, and the man who I got this from insisted that this was made for me- I mean that it was a good song. His wives...favorite“

You realized your were rambling, when Bucky and Steve looked at you a little confused.

Bucky listened closely for a bit, before turning around to stretch a hand out to you.

Without even thinking you took it.

„Naw, are you guys gonna dance?“, Sam whistled.

You wanted to glare at him, but Bucky had other ideas, when he tugged closer, „I thought, that was the purpose?“

Thats what you wrote in the card.

More or less.

And he seemed to take it serious.

He looked at you for a second, and his eyes were so gentle, so soft, that it almost made your knees buckle under his gaze. Then he twirled you around once, before placing his other hand on your back and closed the distance between you both.

In every other scenario and with any other man, this would've been embarrassing. But you couldn't stop looking at him, didn't even think about anyone else watching. As if there was no one else but him in this moment, in this world. He swayed you to the rest of the song, as if he had never done anything else in his life.

And with the last few lines of the song he searched your face for something, like he saw you for the first time.

You must've looked pretty wrecked, with your heart beating out of your chest and the blush on your cheeks, while you tried to keep your breath steady.

His expression was so fond, you wanted nothing but to lay yourself against his chest, hide away from this world and let him take everything- all of you.

And even though the music had ended, he didn't let go of you yet. Steve put on the next song, apparently oblivious to the tension in the room, „This ones from 1944, Buck.“

Maybe he wanted his friend to enjoy this moment just as much. It wasn't that often, that Bucky would be so interactive amongst other people.

The second song wasn't as slow, a bit more jazzy. It fit him even better, to be honest. 

„Those are very nice songs to dance to, don't you think?“, he asked you as he still held you close to him, „Was that really your intention, or are you making fun of me because I'm old.“

„I meant that“, you swallowed down the fear before you continiued speaking, „I think you deserve to feel this type of happiness again, and I want to help you find it“

The look in his eyes returned to this weird distant longing, as he took a deep breath.

„Thank you“, he said quietly, before leaning his head against yours.

Just for a few heatrbeats, before he took a step back from you, leaving you feeling empty suddenly. His lips were tight and you saw his jaw flex as his brows furrowed for a moment, before glancing at Steve.

Your chest was tight with the unspoken feelings you held back. This just wasn't the moment, not the right place, but you wanted nothing more then to stay in his embrace.

„Very good form!“, Sam said as Bucky stepped around you to gather the records and the card.

They might've thought that it was just a fun little moment. Thinking back to the old days. But you were so shocked by your own feelings, that you couldn't even think straight.

He had to know, he must've felt it, this moment has not been simple, nor has it been fun.

It had been so real, that you were questioning if Bucky was trying to fuck with you, as he just sat back down again. He didn't meet your eyes. Just looked down at your card.

Maybe he was actually interested in reading it again, but you felt rejected.

If he knew or not, you couldn't keep standing there, couldn't look at him anymore. You felt the tears coming before you even realized what was happening.

As undisturbed as possible you made your way to your room, ignoring the others asking where you were going.

If they saw you now, saw you crying after such an intense moment between you and him, it was over. There would be no more hiding, no more pretending, no more denial. You could not brush it off as a fleeting feeling again. And worst of all, he would know. And he would have to answer you.

And you didn't know if you were ready for that yet.

Give it some time

„I don't want to feel like this anymore“, you sobbed as you curled up on your couch, tears running over your cheeks, smudging the makeup you'd put on for that evening.

You won't feel like this forever. I promise, you just have to get used to it again

„How can you promise me something like that? You don't even know what it's like to be in love“

Not in this kind of way, no

You let the tears come, let all the pressure wreck your body as you chocked on your cries, lungs heaving with every breath you took.

All this time you had been so concentrated on feeling happy again, that you didn't think about the consequence of all those emotions coming back into your life. Had occupied yourself with so much since then, that there was no time to let you get used to this.

It hurt so bad to feel.

You knew that once, and that was the reason you had burried all the things that caused your heart so much damage.

Because even though it was nice for a while, this part right now, that was inevitable, if you loved someone.

Was it even worth it? Were those sweet moments with him worth being haunted by heartbreak?

Please don't

The Devoras feelings were crashing through your own for a second, a wave of distress and desperation.

Don't go back there, don't let this feeling take you over. It won't last. Don't hide yourself again.

You really wanted to. Wanted to go back, when all of this wasn't possible, when all the really good and really bad emotions were all locked away and secured, so that you would make it through the next day. It hadn't been a life worth living, but it had been a life with less pain.

„Help me“, you whispered into the darkness of the room, as your body began to shiver from the emotional fatigue.

Always

You grew tired immediately, your mind was numb, and so was your body. Slowly but surely you drifted off to sleep, huddled on the couch in your fancy little dress and tears all over your face.

The next time you woke up, it was still in the middle of the night, but you were in your bed now. A blanket draped over you and a box with tissues on your nightstand. A little note stuck to it's side.

'I'm sorry'

You saw the bedsheets placed next to it.

If it was Bucky, or someone else, you didn't really care, as you could still feel the pain in your chest suffocating you.

It will always be hard to feel, but we can make it work

You didn't know if that was true.

It's not going to last

They kept saying that, but there was no guarantee for it.

At least you weren't alone.

I would never leave you.

That much you could trust.

The Devora immediately let you drift off again, as if it only wanted you to see the note. Help you realize, that someone else did care for you.

Okay, I need to make sure everyone knows how those sheets look, cuz the things I saw when searching for inspiration were....interesting.

Chapter Text

Steve told me you still listen to records every now and then, so I thought I'd expand your collection a little. I could definitely picture you dancing to these, I hope you like them. And I wanted to thank you.

I don't know if any of this will make sense to you, but I had to let you know how much you changed my life. Ever since I came here, you made sure I was okay. And in your own ways, you were always there for me. You showed me what it means to change, what it means to grow. And I want that for you, I want you to never feel alone again, to feel like you are important and to feel like you are worth it.

Because you are. I will always be here for you, if you ever decide to open up or if you ever want to rely on someone. There are still people who can love you, James.

Y/N

He was going to loose his mind. For days it was just a game of cat and mouse, no matter how badly he wanted to talk to you. You didn't let him. Ran from him, shut him out. And everyone else too.

And it was his own fault, as always.

Always his own insecurities that were in the way. Even after you held your arms out for him, had given him a path right into your heart, he couldn't take it. Had denied himself to enter and so all the bridges you had built for him came crashing down.

He had seen it in your eyes, just before you left. The little light that had been burning for him while he held you in his arms, it had been gone. And with every passing day, his fear to never get the chance to fix this grew stronger.

There was no one he could talk to about it, because the one person he would usually confide in was you.

But if this went on any longer, would carry over into the next year? He might have to come clean with Steve about it all. He couldn't fuck this up. Not again.

He needed to get this right, and he couldn't do this all by himself...and if nothing would work, he might be forced to send you a text, as much as he hated writing something so important into a message. If it was the only way to tell you, how he really felt, then he had to.

„Anyone seen her today?“, Steve asked and looked around the group, that sat at the table in the kitchen.

Now that some of the others were back, your absence was even worse. Whenever they were all together, your chair was always staying empty. Always reminding him that he had messed up.

„Not yet, but I plan on breaking her door down later, I won't go to that stupid party on my own“, Natasha said.

„Right, I forgot that none of us will be there“, Sam cocked his head to the side.

„But I have to make sure she wears the damn dress. We didn't go through so many stores for nothing. I need to see her ass in that dress just once, I will make it happen! I deserve it“

Steve nearly choked on his drink.

„Oh my god, some respect for your elders, please.“, Tony mumbled as he put his phone down and glanced directly at Steve.

„We'll drag her to the party, if we have to.“, Wanda chipped in and sent a glare over the table towards Bucky.

She had witnessed it all. Probably knew of his stupidity, even without reading his mind. But he couldn't even tell her just how bad he felt, he didn't want to talk to anyone but you.

„I promised Thor and Bruce they could meet her, I think it would make me look bad if she doesn't come. Tony Stark can't even control his own staff.“, Tony scoffed.

„It's going to happen, you guys can stop worrying.“, Nat said again, before she got up from the table, „If you'll excuse me, we don't have much time left.“

Bucky looked up at the time on the oven. They were supposed to leave in about three hours from now.

„Not all of us can throw themselves into a Henley and call it a day, Barnes“, she must've seen his confusion.

„We'll also get ready now.“, Wanda said and also stood up with Vision, „Still enough time to make some changes.“

For some reason those words felt like they had a diffirent meaning, especially with the glare she still gave him.

And she was probably right...one more try. Before he was going to write it all into one big emotional pile of garbage.

He stood in front your door, knocking a few times, before calling out to you.

There was a shift in the room, soft footsteps on the carpet, but no one answered.

„I need to talk to you...please“, he said quietly, trying to not let anyone else hear him.

You didn't say anything, didn't move again.

„We both know that I'm not good at this, at these talks, emotions. But I just need you to know that none of what happened on christmas was my intention, I- I couldn't deal with it, that was my fault. You don't deserve to-“

„Barnes“, Natashas Voice let him jump out of his skin, „I get you need to have a talk at some point, but maybe this is not the best way.“

„What choice do I have?“, he snapped at her, mad that she interrupted him, mad that his words still couldn't make a change.

And then he said something, he never thought of telling anybody, if it weren't for the defeat, that was weighing on his shoulders, „I will do everything it takes, I won't loose her.“

He didn't actuall think about what he was saying, he only wanted to stop worrying about it for once. Because this felt like a last chance.

Natasha gave him a weird look, a mix of pitty and disgust, „She won't leave, we wouldn't let her. Now get out of the way“, she shoved past him and banged her hand on the door, „You better open up now, if you wan't to keep this door.“

The lock Immediately klicked, and as if you had been standing right by the door this whole time, it leaned open a few inches.

Buckys heart nearly stopped in anticipation of seeing you, but you didn't show yourself. Still hiding.

Natasha slipped in, with her own dress and some smaller bags in her hands, „Later, Serg“

He was a man of aproximately 100 years, yet he felt like the most idiotic teenager in this world.

He couldn't even tell the girl he liked, how important she was without messing up.

There had been a time, where he didn't have a problem with these types of things, when he was more confident and had less to risk obviously.

Maybe he needed to get over it, get a fucking grip and let all this shit that was blocking his mind go, just for a while. So he could think like a normal man, and not like someone who was constantly suffering. He had been telling himself a million reasons, why it couldn't work between you and him, why it would be a bad idea. But not having you with him anymore? Not a single chance, to ever hold your hand in his again? That was no option.

Frankly, none of this would've happened, if Steve hadn't fallen for you as well. If Bucky would've had his friend to rely on in this situation instead of having to do it all on his own...

Or maybe that was just another excuse, to push his responsibility away.

Whatever the reason was, something needed to change.

There was no more time to hide behind his insecurities, if he wanted you to be a part of his life, if he wanted you to be more than a friend.

If you still were his friend, that is...

„I tried my best“, Natasha sighed as she sat into the backseat with Bucky, „I actually got pretty far. She let me do her hair, a bit of her makeup, but when I got out the dress, she started crying. I didn't fucking know what to do, seriously. It was just such a girl-cry, I'm not good with that...“

„So she won't come?“, Steve asked from the drivers seat, clearly disapointed.

„I don't know. I left all my stuff with her, maybe she'll change her mind, but I'm not really sure“, she gave Bucky a somewhat apologetic look, „I'm sorry.“

It seemed like she knew a lot more than she let on. Her, Wanda and Steve were some of your closest friends at this point, but he had never thought about the possibility, that they might know about the situation between you and him.

„Thank you, still. We should just let her make her own decisions. There's no point in pressuring her.“, Steve nodded to himself and started the engine, when Sam finally made his way towards the car.

„Alright, Wanda and Vision are gone, Tony obviously already left and I couldn't get Y/N to come out, so- Guess were the last ones to arrive at the party.“, he said as he hopped into the front seat.

„Alright, let's go then.“

„My friends!“, a voice boomed through the room as the group arrived at the party location.

Bucky has never seen Thor before, and he wasn't sure what he had expected to be honest, but seeing a god walk around in some sort of velvet blazer, was not that.

Him and Steve greeted each other and he hugged Natasha so close he nearly picked her up off the floor.

He's only ever heard stories about him, but they clearly didn't live up to reality. That man was massive.

„You can still identify us with only one eye?“, Nat said as she looked him up and down, „You got a haircut. A little less and you might look like Fury“, she glanced over to the Director who was already occupied with other people.

„I can see surprisingly well, do not worry. I had a little bit of a dispute with my older sister, a lot has happened. But I am so happy to be here today.“, he laughed loudly, before he saw Bucky and Sam standing further away, „Your friends?“, he asked Steve, who just nodded, before he shot Bucky a look full of pitty.

He didn't know why, until the tall blonde god walked over to him and hugged them both. He didn't dare to move.

„Good to know, that the Avengers are still strong as ever“, he said, patting them both on the shoulder, „I brought gifts and Mead, what's left of it of course. Come“, he smiled so brightly at them all, that it confused him.

Gods were supposed to be ethereal and scary, right? This man was just a giant bear.

Stark greeted them all, saying he was proud to host this new years again, even though he always did. No one else wanted to throw such parties but him anyway.

As the entertainer he was, he didn't have much time for them and immediately moved on to the next group of people arriving.

„Eat, drink, whatever you want, just use the actual toilets, please. We've removed all the plants tonight for a reason.“

He didn't even want to know, what that was supposed to mean.

There were a lot of people he didn't know, some who he got introduced to, but not all, it was Tonys party and his guests after all.

„So you didn't want to come in one of your Henleys after all?“, Wanda asked him with one of her eyebrows raised.

He looked down at his choice of clothes, „I think it struck me, that that's how people see me. Wanted to change it up a bit.“

He wasn't wearing an actual suit, but he did borrow one of Steves darker dress shirts and bunched it up to his ellbows. No tie, no fancy stylish shoes, just a little more class.

„Guess you do care more then you admit.“, she mumbled, before turning back to Vision, who brought some refreshments for her.

„Buck,“, he didn't even have the time to be nervous or anxious, every other second there was something new that needed his attention, „This is Bruce- Dr. Banner.“, Steve introduced him to yet another person who he had to greet formally.

„I've heard of you, nice to meet you, Mr. uh- Barnes“, he said and his eyes shifted between him and Steve for a second, „Fascinating that two friends of the same time period have made it this far together.“

„A drink!“, Thor yelled out, as he waved them over.

There was literally no time or space to think at all. He felt like a toddler at a birthday party with so many impressions to take in at once.

„Careful, with this.“, the God said as he handed Bucky a glass with a bit of alcohol in it.

„I think we'll be fine.“, he gave him a tight smile.

„Oh no, he's right. Asgardian Mead might be a little stronger than you think, Buddy“, Steve chuckled before also taking a glass from the bar, where Thor was handing them out left and right.

„Are you serious?“, he asked.

He hasn't been drunk since before the war started, he never thought to be again.

„Yes, I mean it. Just don't drink the whole flask by yourself, you'll be fine.“

He stood somewhere on the sidelines, observing his friends, listening to the music, that was clearly not his taste and tried to keep his mind occupied with the mead. It had been so long since he'd felt that familiar burn in his body after a drink. At least one good thing the day has brought.

It was loud and confusing, a lot of people where dancing, some where just talking with eachother and shared stories, but the overall atmosphere was fine.

He wished he could've enjoyed himself like them, and even though most of this wasn't his understanding of fun anymore, it would still be better than sulking by himself and trying to get drunk.

He would've loved to see you here, see what you would make of this evening, with the way you could integrate yourself so well lately.

Would've loved to hear your laugh under all these people, he could imagine his ears would filter it out no matter how many sounds there were.

But you were alone and would be welcoming the new year all by yourself. Because of him.

„You're not one for parties either, huh?“, a voice came from his right.

Dr. Banner stood beside him, watching the scene just like Bucky.

„It's a lot of people...“

„Trust me, I know how you feel. There was a time in my life were I was dead-scared of meeting anyone unfamiliar. Didn't know if I could take it“, he laughed nervously.

„Yeah...“, Bucky just said, staring down into his drink.

„I know of your history, sorry if that sounds weird, but I know who you were. I can tell when someone gets eaten up by inner turmoil.“

He looked up at him, surprised by the quick change of topic.

„There is nothing to stop yourself from spiraling but you. At whatever point in life it will be neccessary, there will come a time where it's your only choice, to stop overthinking.“

„Sounds like you had a rough time...“, he really tried to not let those words faze him.

„I did. Probably not as rough as yours, but I learned a lot about myself while I had to recover. And let me tell you one thing- You will always feel the weight of your past, and all those decades cannot be wrapped up in a year or two, but all these people here, are more than ready, to share that burden with you. They are good, in their own ways of course. Don't let your past stop you from enjoying the good times.“

Bruce didn't look at him, just stared at all the quests. His eyes followed Natasha further into the room, while she was dancing with Wanda.

They didn't even know each other, and this man still seemed to perfectly understand the conflict going on inside him. Maybe Steve sent him out, to get Bucky to stop sulking.

„Thanks“, was all he could say, too scared of all the thoughts that suddenly ran him over.

When Bruce left and Bucky stood by himself again, he couldn't stop thinking about what else he had ruined for himself so far. About the countless times he had refused to go out or do something with others, because he thought his mood might affect everyone else. Or that he would become too much of a problem. Had denied so many people who only wanted to help. Had Denied himself to feel better, because it meant to leave behind all the guilt he felt from his past.

And not feeling that guilt was so wrong, because it was all that's left of the horrible things he had done. The people he had killed, the families he had destroyed. Everything what's left of them was his guilt. And allthough it felt like shit, he couldn't let himself forget any of it.

He was doing the exact thing, that Dr. Banner told him not to. He started to spiral.

Out of all the times and places. On a fucking new years party.

But somewhere through those rushing thoughts in his head, he picked up something else.

A laugh. Soft, quiet. For a moment he thought it might be an addition to his guilt driven mind.

But that wasn't his imagination, no.

His head whipped around, as he saw two people step out of the elevator, a tall man with dark hair and beard, neatly dressed in a fancy suit and next to him-

You.

It really was you. He heard it right.

His mind couldn't even register what was happening, only saw you smile up at that guy and your face lit up with whatever he said, while he guided you out into the room with an arm around your shoulder, before...

Your eyes landed on Bucky.

He had expected to see everything: pain, anger, hurt, sadness.

But they were as soft as ever, even when your smile wavered for a moment.

His heart was beating out of his chest and he felt the blood rushing in his ears as the earth around him stopped spinning.

You were actually here.

The tall man noticed your gaze towards Bucky and followed it. A knowing grin appeared on his face, before he walked you over to him, while letting you hold onto his arm like a true gentleman.

He couldn't move, too stunned by your appearance, by your sheer existence.

„Good evening, you must be Mr. Barnes, if I am correct.“

His eyes shifted from you towards the man for a moment, before he cleared his throat, „Uh, yes.“

„Alright, then I can leave her in your care. It was a pleasure, Y/N.“, he fanned a kiss over the back of your hand before winking at Bucky.

He watched him walk away towards Stark and Thor, who was greeting him eagerly.

„Who is that?“, his voice felt stiff and way too loud in his ears.

„I assumed he's just another guest. Dr. Stephen Strange. We met infront of the building, I- I was too scared to go In by myself and he was late, so...“

You were so nervous. But all he heard was your sweet voice, not the stagger in your breath as you looked at him, not the small stutter in your words. All he saw were your eyes, the shape of your nose, your lips, the dimple you had on one side of your face when you smiled at him. Like he hadn't stared at you countless times before. As if he had to appreciate it, before you would be gone again.

„I kind of rambled the whole way up here, he was nice enough to not laugh at me.“

„You told him about me?“, he asked carefully.

He saw you bite on your lip for a moment, before you decided to answer him, „I did. Because he told me I looked like a kitten in a crate that was waiting to be picked up at the shelter“

„That-“, he didn't even know what to say to that.

What an odd comparison.

„I get it though. I felt like it at least. I was really nervous-“

„Why?“, it burst out of his mouth before he could stop himself.

He knew why, he knew exactly why you would be nervous to come here.

You looked down at his glas then, „What's that?“

„Uh, the god gave it to me...“

„Alcohol?“

„Ye-“

You snatched the glass out of his hand and downed the rest of it, grimacing at the strong taste for a moment.

He wasn't sure if it was a good Idea for you to drink that, if it made even him feel tipsy, but it was too late now anyway.

After a moment of more silence you looked back up at him, „I was scared of seeing you, your reaction to me, after christmas. It really scared the shit out of me. And I wanted to burry myself in a hole before I would talk to you again, but that's just stupid. I was the one to tell you so many times, to not hide from the world, even if it's the only thing that feels right. I can't be mad at you if I do it myself.“

He raised his eyesbrows at you, „So you came here to set an example?“

„Correct.“

You grinned for a moment, before your eyes wandered down, „You look nice.“

The acohol must be getting to your head already, „Thanks, you t-“

He wanted to give you the compliment back, until he finally took in what you actually looked like.

It didn't matter before, not when all he could think of was that you actually showed up. But now...?

Your hair was pinned up, leaving your neck completely bare. He saw the lobe of your ears, small crystals where shining on them while a few curls of your hair were still framing your face. The dress hugged your upper body like a second skin, flowing out over your curves to end somewhere higher up your thighs. You didn't wear any tights this time, your bare legs were entrancing him for a moment, before he got confused by the shimmer on your skin, even on your chest.

„You're... sparkling?“

„Oh, it's body glitter. I found it in Nat's bags, I thought it would be fun, I never used something like that.“, you mused as your hand brushed over your neckline, „Is it too much?“

„No“, he pressed out, trying not to stare at all of the skin right on display.

And there was so much of it.

„Solros!“, someone yelled over to you both, „Oh my god, you came, I'm so glad!“, Natasha whined when she ran up to you, just to take you in for a hug.

You were very obviously confused by her emotional outbreak, not used to her being so sappy, „Yes, I had to show the world this nice dress you picked out for me! Remember, how you threatened to burn all my plants if I don't?“

„I don't know what you're talking about“, she shook her head.

„Agent Solros!“, another Voice called out when the others finally saw you, Tony waved you over to join them.

And as you hesitantly walked over to them, Buckys mouth went dry at the full picture he got from behind.

The dress was so sinfully short and with all the straps on your back...

„You picked the dress?“, he asked Natasha.

„Uh-huh“, she nodded, grinning at him, „Good choice, am I right? I thought you would like it.“

„I need another drink.“, he said and walked away from her.

After Tony had introduced you to Thor and Banner, he came back to the bar, letting you acclimatize with everyone and also got himself another drink.

Thor gave you some of his mead, which you just chugged down like it was nothing, making him laugh so loud it echoed through the whole room, „I like this one!“

Bucky could see the way that Steves eyes lingered on your back and your sides every now and then, a slightly red tint on his cheeks. He would probably say from the alcohol, but Bucky knew better.

He knew exactly what Steve was feeling.

„She actually came“, Stark sighed, „I was so scared that Thor would turn up at the complex, after I promised him to meet her.“

„Well, thank god she's here“, Sam muttered as he sipped on his own drink, „And she's already back in her element.“

He wiggled his eyebrows as they watched you drag everyone you could find with you for a dance, even Steve, who was frantically searching for a way out of the situation.

„Insane, to think just a few hours ago she was so dramatic, only to now be the life of the party.“, Stark laughed.

„She wasn't dramatic.“, Bucky said and gave him a stern look.

„Hold your horses. I don't know what was going on, but I come back from my perfect fest with my beautiful fiancee and suddenly she doesn't talk to anyone, and no one knows why? I call that dramatic“

„She had her reasons“, Sam snickered and slapped Tony onto the chest, „She's your responsibility, Mr. supervisor, be nice.“

„I don't think she's my responsibility anymore.“, he nodded towards the dancefloor.

All they could do was stare, when they saw you dance between Nat and Steve, clearly overwhelming the poor man, while Natasha was just spurring you on even further, grabbing at every part of you she could hold while you moved your hips, your bodys were so close to eachother that your movements turned into one.

„Huh...interesting“, Wanda said on the other side of him. He hadn't even realized she was there, he couldn't stop looking at you.

„Who does she remind me of?“, Tony mused to himself, squinting his eyes as he crossed his arms in front of his chest.

„Shakira?“, Sam raised an eyebrow as he studied your movements.

„Her mother was from Oklahoma, right? No latin origins?“, Tony wondered.

„Well the mother that carried her to term was swedish, so that doesn't even matter“, Wanda told them, clearly deeming them idiotic.

„Okay, then it has to be her father, like. This is not someone who just dances on occasions, this is...my god“, Tony shook his head, not being able to find the right words for it.

„She danced a lot when she was in college, she just doesn't do that anymore.“, Wanda got off the barstool and stood herself in front of them, to break their attention on the other three.

„Stop staring at her, you have your own woman, and you-“, she pointed at Bucky, „Go dance instead of eating her up with your eyes!“

The all looked away, a little ashamed.

„Pepper wouldn't mind. I bet she would be staring even more than me“, Stark chuckled before he turned around and walked off, probably to find his woman.

Bucky really didn't want to interrupt them, and he definetely wasn't calm enough to be close to you in that moment.

And the way you clung to either Natasha or Steve was telling him, that this wouldn't end well for him anyways.

His friend was so lost in what you were doing. He clearly had trouble with it, but didn't mind you guiding him a little. You absolutely knew what you were doing to him. Maybe this was your way of repaying them for all the teasing the've done, while had learned to hold yourself on ice in brooklyn.

Because every now and then Bucky would see you search for him, looking directly at him with hooded eyes and gently biting your lip, while your hands were roaming your own body, hiking your dress up ever so slightly to-

Jesus christ.

The sin wasn't your dress. It was you. Your body, your gaze, your enchanting movements.

He was doing his best to stay away, looking at everything else. But god- it wasn't easy, no.

He kept his distance and watched you from afar, while you were enjoying yourself, waiting for a more quiet moment to talk to you.

All of the things he didn't get to say yet, were still burning on his tongue. No matter how hazed his mind was.

You had your fun with them all, sometimes even came over to the bar for a drink or for a little talk with those, who didn't want to dance, but you were always staying close to Bucky and gently leaned into him.

You didn't say much about what was, didn't let him talk about his thoughts and only wanted to be near him for the time being.

Whenever he felt your hand on his arm, or his back after you walked up to him, he didn't say much. He was satisfied with just looking at you, while it lasted. It was already close to midnight as things settled down a little.

Outside the fireworks were picking up and everyone gathered at the windows to watch them. While he stayed back a little, still slightly frightened by the loud noises.

But then he saw you go for the door of one of the balconies, all by yourself.

His brows furrowed. The temperature outside was freezing, no way would you watch the fireworks from out there, right?

He snatched Steves blazer that hung over one of the stools and went after you.

His breath hitched the second he saw you standing there, the light of the fireworks glowing on your skin every now and then, while you just watched, eyes bright and smiling.

Just like that night in Brooklyn, you were glowing with something else. Something so personal, it felt wrong to even think about what he saw. All his thoughts were gone, the moment he stepped up to you. He didn't even register, whatever else was going on around him.

You didn't react at first, when he laid the jacket over your shoulders, as if you knew he would've come after you.

And he might've worried for nothing, as he felt the heat of your skin under his fingertips when they brushed your shoulders for a second.

How could he have forgotten, that you were your own little sun.

„I hope we can do this again, next year. And every year after that.“, you said bringing him back to his senses, „I feel like I really belong here...“

There was a hint of sadness in your eyes as you turned towards him.

He had been so mesmerized by you, that he didn't even know what to say. Your words were just slowly catching up to him, as his heart crumbled into a mess.

„I would like that.“

He couldn't even imagine a future without you anymore, not after everything that happened, not after you had given him so much hope for a new life, a new beginning. Now that he knew who he was and what he wanted.

And you were a part of that, he wanted you more than anything else.

There were distant shouts coming from inside, as they started counting down for the new year.

Ten. Nine

„Want to wish for something?“, he asked with a shiver going over his skin.

Six. Five.

„I already got what I wished for“, you said with a soft smile, showing him just how many emotions were swimming behind your eyes, lett him see you so vulnerable that it made his knees go weak.

Two. One...

As the world broke out into cheers, you closed the last bit of distance between you and him and he met your lips halfway.

All those unspoken words and feelings, the truth he could never tell, his longing, his heart- he laid it before you, let it all linger on your lips as if it was his only wish.

The yells and excited screams, the fireworks. He ignored it, completely enraptured by feeling you so close.

His chest was painfully tight, his heart was beating faster with every second, while his arms closed around you. It was like a dream. Your hands on his chest, the taste of your mouth, the warmth of your lips...how soft they were.

This was, what he had been searching for, this exact feeling, this kind of intimacy with you. Nothing could stop him from taking it now. Never again.

You smiled into the kiss for a second, and he felt his whole body going weak.

The conection to you has never been just his past, it had never been the pain you shared. It had forged into something so much stronger.

Hope. Change. A promise... A promise to keep eachother safe.

He was finally able to breathe, after drowning in the fear and sorrow of his past life for so long.

And even though the kiss wasn't as long as he had wished it to be, it still felt like an eternity before you let go of him. Your breath was fanning over his lips when you steadied yourself. You were shivering, but not from the cold.

„I didn't know you were such a good kisser, James“, you whispered, while you searched for his eyes again and his heart stopped at the name you used for him, „I thought you didn't take any of those dates, that Sam tried to set you up with?“

It was just a joke, to brush over the fact that you were shaking with excitement, but he felt it. Your heart so close to his own, your heaving chest, the way you licked you lips as you waited for him to say something.

„Some things you probably never unlearn.“, he said, his voice so low and quiet as if it could destroy whatever he was feeling, "Just needs the right person."

It was perfect. Your little laugh, the spark in your eyes as you tried to keep yourself from grinning at him. He never wanted this moment to end.

„I think I'm a bit drunk“, you whispered, giving him such a sheepish look, that his insides could've melted into a puddle.

„Me too“, he just said, even though that was far from true. He has never been this sober, has never had such clear thoughts as in this exact moment.

There was a call from inside and you broke apart from him in a panic.

„Y/N- Bucky, great, you're both here.“, Sam gave them a confused look but didn't question anything, „Get movin', we're taking a picture, you gotta be in it“, he waved them over frantically.

„A picture?“, Bucky turned to him in disbelief.

No way he just fucked up this perfect moment for a picture.

„Fury is drunk as hell, we are SO gonna hang that up in our lobby, just imagine“, he broke out into laughter, still cackling as he went back inside, without sparing them another glance.

„You think he saw us?“, you asked with such a terriffied look on your face, he nearly felt bad.

„So what?“

„I don't want eveyone to nag us about it I-“, you tried to find the right words, „I want this to be our own thing.“

He nodded, „Sure...we can take our time, right?“, but something about keeping this a secret didn't sit well with him. As if it was wrong.

„Right“, you sighed, but before you could go inside, he grabbed your hand and pulled you back into him once more. Just a short kiss, nothing as dramatic, but he felt his heart sear away, when you gave into it.

You didn't say anything, just linked your fingers with his, before tugging him along.

And even though some might've seen the lingering touch of your hands, he didn't really care. He was still so dazed, still had trouble realizing what had happened. The only thing he knew, was that he was going to keep this feeling safe. No more denial, no more guilt. Just this. Just you.

It was as chaotic as one could think, no one could stay in pose for longer than a few seconds. Everyone was drunk, everyone was laughing, so it didn't really stand out to anyone, that you and Bucky just stared at each other on the picture, hands still holding onto eachother.

Chapter Text

Your heart was going to burst into pieces. Everytime you looked at him, there was a spark, electricity would be running through your body in waves.

And if he looked back? It was even worse. There was nothing left to hide, he let you see right through to him, every little thought and feeling. Even if your mind could barely comprehend, what those meant.

Horrible. Actually horrible.

You couldn't stop smiling. Wanted to throw yourself off this building, just to escape this overwhelming joy coursing through every vein.

But then you wouldn't have been able, to catch those shy glances he gave you over the table.

All that was stopping you from leaping at him, was the other people around. Allthough, it wasn't as many now, then when you arrived earlier that night.

After most of the guests had left, Tony brought out some of his best stuff, overpriced champagne and a hell of a lot of whiskey. While Steve and Bucky were still getting generous refills from the Asgardian Mead, everyone else got to try the exclusive drinks handed out by none other then Tony Stark.

You were already so tipsy, that you were a little worried how much more you could take, before you'd start slurring. But Tony didn't let anyone off the hook, 'cuz 'the night was still young' or whatever he said and then suggested to play a drinking game. Like the people in this room weren't 30 to 40 year old superheroes and agents, but fucking highschoolers.

Most of the group groaned at the idea, but the one percent, that agreed was all it took for Sam to get excited, „Truth or dare? Never have I ever? Or we just gonna do a staring contest and whoever looses has to drink.“

„None of that!“, Wanda huffed and looked at you for help, but you just shrugged your shoulders, trying to look apologetic.

You didn't want anyone to pay attention to you at the moment, you were still so confused by what happened out there. That kiss was...

You shuddered at the memory, alarming Thor next to you.

„Are you cold?“

„Never“, you mumbled and tried to avoid yet another glance from Bucky, while everyone was starting to talk over each other about what they should do.

„Okay, fuck that, I'll just search up some questions“, Sam suddenly yelled, when everyone tried to get out of this situation by any means and got out his phone, "Someone gotta explain Thor the rules."

This could only end well.

Or not.

„Okay I have a few more that are a little bit,“ Sam wiggled his eyebrows at the others, „dirty.“

„Yes, I have been waiting for those!“, Thor bellowed and raised his glass towards Sam, while everyone else just groaned again.

„Alright so: Never have I ever done 'the deed' in public.“, Sam read out loud.

Tony was the first one to drink, „When are the really interesting questions gonna come?“, he asked.

When you also took a sip, there was a gasp going through the group.

„Hold on now!“, Sam perked up, „Tony was obvious, but- Y/N!“, he looked genuienly shocked.

You just cringed as everyone looked at you, „Next question.“

„Alright, alright,“, Sam continiued, „Never have I ever done it with someone that I didn't like.“

Tony, Natasha and You all took a sip. Again.

„This is ridicilous.“, Steve muttered, who was sat on the couch next to Bucky, and you got a short glimpse of what looked like surprise from him.

„Never have I ever done it with more then two people at once“

Tony, Thor and you took yet another sip.

„Okay, should we just give Y/N and Tony their own bottle at this point?“, Natasha laughed with a hand on your thigh, to keep her from swaying.

When did she get so drunk?

„This is childsplay!“, Tony said and gave everyone an annoyed look, „I feel like I'm sitting in church with all you virgins!“

You snorted, even though you didn't mean to. The alcohol was really getting to you at this point. Soon you would be swaying instead of Natasha.

„Never have I ever gotten Handsy with someone in a movie theater.“

Bucky raised his glass and you nearly choked on thin air. No one even cared if Tony was drinking anymore.

„The 40s treated you well, huh?“, Sam smirked at him and Bucky just shrugged, „Maybe.“

Though you saw him search for your eyes in a quiet moment afterwards.

You couldn't do anything but look back and swallow whatever was trying to come up, because no sound or word from you would've been appropriate now, judging by the images that were coursing through your head.

„Never have I ever had sex with someone from the same gender.“

This time you were the only one drinking, and you could feel the shame slowly rising in your chest.

„Girl, you better start explaining, 'cuz aint no way-“, Sam shook his head in disbelief.

„I went to college in the late 90s, okay? I barely remember it anyway, just move on!“, you waved it off.

You had never really been ashamed of this time in your life. Even if the sex back then hadn't meant anything to you, it had been helping to drown out the really bad thoughts during your whole college experience. But now you could feel the embarrassement about it, you didn't want anyone to think of you like you were some slut.

„Next one: Never have I ever dreamed about doing something dirty with one of the people in this room.“

For a moment it was really quiet, everyone looked at each other warily.

Then Nat took a sip, then Bruce, Tony. And in the very second you raised your glass to your lips, you saw both Steve and Bucky also tip theirs, both looking directly at you.

The silence in the room after that was so heavy, you swore you could hear the others heartbeats.

You were glad, that most of them finally had enough and ended the game, you probably wouldn't have survived the next questions.

It was nearly 4 in the morning, when Tony told everyone to leave and that he had to clean their shit up for them, even though he probably had other people do that for him. But with how drunk most of the team was, it might've been the only right decision, especially for you. Your vision had gone blurry a little too often in those last two hours.

"Farewell, friends, we will meet again. Now that I am back to midgard, I will come visit!", Thor hugged whoever would let him and said his goodbyes to everyone. So much for Tony's idea to keep him away from the complex.

On the way back home you were trying to avoid Buckys gaze again. Now that the fun was over, all your questions and fears came back up and confused you. 

And you probably weren't the only one that had questions.

„Are you done now?“, Bucky asked, when the others went ahead towards the elevator of the complex.

He stopped you right behind the door of the lobby.

„What do you mean?“, you couldn't help that your heart immediately started racing again as you looked at him. The memory of the kiss was flickering through your head.

„Are you done pretending? Can we talk about it now? You know the...what happened.“, he tried to keep his voice low.

„I'm not pretending...“, you mumbled and tried to suppress the thoughts that kept rummaging in your mind.

Maybe this wasn't the same for him than it was for you. Everything about christmas was still undisclosed and you were wishing, you would've talked about that before you kissed him- before you let your emotions take control of you.

This is exactly what happens when the Devora leaves you alone for once, you just fuck everything up.

„Well, whatever you're doing, it makes me nervous.“, he crossed his arms infront of his chest.

„Did you like it?“, your voice was merely a whisper.

His eyes grew softer for a moment, „Of course, but-“

„Then let's just leave it at that for now, okay?“

He didn't look like he wanted to agree, but then he sighed, „If you say so...“

He brought you up to your room and waited at the door hesitantly, neither coming in nor leaving.

He just looked at you for a moment, let his eyes wander over your dress and down your legs, before he took a deep breath.

„I can change into something diffirent, if you want...“, you said, not even sure for what you would change, if he didn't even want to stay, and if so...what would you do if you didn't want to talk about tonight.

„If you want to change into something more comfortable that's fine. I can wait outside...or I can leave...you're probably exhausted from-“, he swallowed, and looked down at his shoes for a moment.

He was just as unsure as you were. One of you had to take the lead now, or this was going to end in a battle of anxiety.

„Come in, I can change in the bathroom.“, you said and he slowly made his way over to your armchair.

You weren't sure if it even mattered what you wore, everything inside you screamed to just get the dress off and go back to him. Your skin was so hot at this point you wanted to rip the fabric off of you.

So when you stood in the bathroom, naked and hot, you suddenly realized, that you hadn't taken anything to wear in with you. There was just the clothes you would wear at night and a sweater. And those were just a thin top and 'shorts'. More like panties.

You looked at yourself in the mirror for a moment.

The glitter was still all over your skin.

Would it be weird to take a shower now?

Probably, you shouldn't let him wait. But you also didn't want to leave this room anymore. He was right there. In your room. And you were still tipsy.

You threw on the sweater that hung on the door and went outside, glad that the sweater was long enough to cover your lower parts, because his instense stare made you feel even more anxious than you had already been.

But you still tried to hold his gaze, when you sat down on the bed.

„You already put them on...“, he pointed at the bedsheets. The ones he gifted you.

„Uhm...yea, I really liked them. I couldn't wait to-“

You stopped, when you saw how happy he suddenly was. So much relief on his face that it took your breath away, „I was so worried, you wouldn't want them anymore after...after what happened.“

Not that you wanted to be reminded of that day, but at the same time you were glad, he was aware that something had gone wrong.

There was more awkward silence after that, and it was enough, to let more scenarious rise in your mind. More things, that warped the beautiful moment at the party.

„Tonight was nice“, you said, waiting for him to pick up on it but he just kept looking at you, „Is everything okay?“

„I don't know...I just“, he had trouble finding his words, but something in him must've snapped, as he sighed heavily all of a sudden. Now his voice sounded stronger, less hesitant, „You looked really good in that dress. And you were enjoying yourself and all that, It was so nice to just watch you be so...bright.“

Your heart thumped in your chest. Always the damn heart. No matter what he did.

„Really? It wasn't weird? I was a little embarrassed by the end of the night, I haven't danced like that since...since college.“

„I- why would u be embarrassed?“
You exhaled once. No point in sugarcoating what you had done, „I thought it was too slutty, to be honest. I picked it up during a time where I was a little…diffirent. And you're from the 40s! I was just scared-„
„You think I would judge your dancing because its too...ambiguous?“, he chuckled and leaned forward in the chair, to put his face into his palms, „You cannot be serious.“
„Well, yeah…“ you blushed.
„You were dancing for fun. On a private party, not on the streets. Everyone could see how much joy it brought you..why would I judge you for any of that. That you look gorgeous while doing it is just a bonus.“
You couldnt help the snort that escaped you, when you tried and failed miserably not to laugh. And you saw him bite his lip once, when he realized, what he just said.
„I just want to see you be happy“, his voice softened, „Allthough I might’ve been a little jealous of the others around you for being so close-“
„I would dance for you if you asked me to.“, you burst out.
He furrowed his brows.
„If you meant- If you want to be c-close as well, I mean.“, oh god, what have you done?

He must've realized the looks you gave him when you were dancing, that's what he was referring to, right? Right?
You looked at him while the realization of your words really set in, fidgeting with the hem of your sleeves.

„I could dance for you in a way that no one else gets to see...“
His frown turned into confusion at first and then into something diffirent. Hunger.
„I would’ve been satisfied with always watching from the sidelines“, he said quietly, but his voice was slightly shaking.
You saw the way his legs spread open a little wider, when you got up from the bed. As if he was inviting you.

You were standing there for a moment, unsure how to go on from here. If it was too much, if it might be too fast. But you wanted nothing more, than to sit down in his lap and let him feel what his stare had done to you.
You turned it off, all your anxiety, your mind, your thoughts. You pretended that none of this had to have a meaning, nothing would happen, nothing had to be said.

He would've left already, if he didn't want this, right?

Right?

Your hand came up to your hair, undoing Natashas work, to let your locks fall back over your shoulders. Then you pulled the sweater over your head.

You had never let him see this much of you before, your lower regions wear barely hidden with your so called shorts.

But you tried to push those thoughts back where they came from, especially when you heard a sharp inhale from him, the moment you let the sweater drop to the ground.

His eyes lingered on your form just a few seconds too long, seeing how the fabric hugged your curves in just the right places, even though this was much less risky then the dress you had been wearing, it did something even worse to him.
The swell of your breasts, the soft rounding of your hips and thighs had him lick his lips and swallow whatever he felt rising up inside of him.

If he had to describe your body, he would simply call you a goddess. Because that's what you were in his eyes. In this moment.
Blessed.
Lucious
Soft
So soft
You turned towards the nightstand to grab your phone and connected it to the sound system in the room, since you couldn't exactly ask friday to put on music for you right now. Not this kind of music.

Your fingers were shaking in anticipation, as you looked for something in your apps, that could meet the feeling you wanted to give him, something slow...something sensual.

It's been a while since you danced for someone, and it had never felt this serious before. Because you never needed them to like you, just your body.

This was diffirent. You didn't want to objectify yourself, you wanted him to like you and your body.

Was this already considered a lap dance?
He was sitting after all, and you would take the chance and get all up on him if you could so technically…
Oh god. You were going to give Bucky a lap dance.
„Everything alright?“
You nearly dropped the phone, when he spoke up.
„Yeah, just setting the mood.“ you said, heart pounding out of your chest as you chose a playlist and put the phone down.
He raised his eyebrows at the song that started playing.
„Is that your ususal taste in music?“
You didnt say anything, just started to edge closer to him, softly, as if you tested the pace in which your body should move.
The nervous grin on his face faltered, when he realized it was actually getting serious now.
The song was such a low blow honestly, it wasnt even up to interpretation, you full on tried to seduce him at this point.

You saw him squirming in his chair, fingers gripping into the armrest, when your hands started roaming over your body. Fingers brushing over places that you would never touch in front of anyone. No one but him.

Would he want to touch you there?
You got even closer, never letting your eyes off him now. You wanted to see what it did to him. Wanted to see the lust that settled on his face.

As soon as you stood between his legs, there was no more stopping you. This was really happening.

You let your fingers trace his jawline, felt him clench his teeth, while your hand moved south over his neck.

And he knew. Knew he was done for.

He saw how your glazed eyes watched him so carefully, the dilated pupils. You were in a daze, already lost in this feeling, whatever it was that was burning inbetween you two.
He had no Idea what to do with himself, when you suddenly bent down to slide your hands over his chest all the way down to his thighs. Gripping onto them as you leaned forward, breath fanning his ear, „You are allowed to touch me, y'know? It wont cost you anything.“

Oh, it would cost him everything.
And when you went back up into a standing position, he had the same hunger on his face like before.

He used all of his self-control to gently rest his hands on your hips, instead of leaping right at you. His jaw was flexing and his breath was heavy, with every second that he drifted further into his own desire. He couldn't even think straight anymore, his head was filled with you, with fantasy and reality at the same time.
You nearly gasped, as his thumb drew little circles into your skin beneath the hem of your top.

He let one of his hands wander, while his metal hand held onto your hip, like a lifeline.
At this point you were practically sitting on his lap, knees on either side of him. Exactly where you had wanted to end up.
His hand wandered down your lower back, but he was too scared to go any further. Even though you felt his hand twitch, restless.

With every second you felt more warmth pooling in your middle. That familiar pull between your thighs, as you heard his shaking breath.
He looked just as disheveled as you, mouth slightly agape and eyes fixed on your lips.
The song had changed, still just as sensual, but at this point you didnt care for more dancing, you just wanted him. Didn't want to wait any longer, after so many nights where he had filled your thoughts, and had still left you empty.
You lowered yourself onto him with your full weight on his thighs, took his face into your hands to pull him as close to you as possible and kissed him with an urgency that was reflecting every single sensation running through your body.

He didnt even get a second to think about it, before you grabbed onto the hair in the back of his head. He had no choice but to let you do whatever you pleased, because he was so utterly desperate to keep you there, holding you in his arms, feel your lips all over him.

More.

Closer.

Harder.

It took him over like a wildfire. The need was too strong to keep sitting back anymore.
His teeth were on your bottom lip, his hips bucking up into you, making you gasp.
He drew his mouths down to your jawline, kissing along your neck while leaning you back ever so slightly and you practically presented yourself to him, turning your head for so he could reach those tender spots of your skin.
You were squirming in his hands as his breath ghosted over your collarbones.
The fabric of your top was rubbing over your breast, overstimulating your already hard nipples.
„Wait“, you breathed out.

He stopped immediately, looking up at you, as if to make sure, he did nothing wrong.
You freed yourself just enough to pull the shirt over your head, discarding it somewhere behind you, before your hands reached back around his neck.

His breath stopped for a moment, when your breasts were now on full display in front of him.

You had no time to feel insecure, as he looked up at you and said: „How are you even real?“, followed by a long, heavy exhale.

„They're real, you can feel them.“, you smiled at him.

He hesitated just a few seconds, while he kept looking at them, before he let his hands explore. He cupped them gently while his thumbs were brushing over your nipples, letting you shiver in response.

He really took his sweet time, the feeling of his fingers sinking into your soft flesh was addicting.

And he didn't even care that he was getting glitter all over himself.

You have never felt so much desire as in that moment, when he was eating you up with his eyes, all of what he could take in, every single second that his hands kept holding onto you.

And just before he decided to roam further, he pinched your nipples once- like a test, to see you react. You gasped again, louder this time, holding back the soft noise that wanted to follow it.
His metal hand slid down over your stomach, it was so cold against your heated skin that it had you twitching. But his hand didn't stop there, it went even further, much more confident now, that you were unraveling in his grasp.

He passed your pelvis, going lower...steady. You were nearly vibrating with anticipation and hat to brace yourself on his shoulders.

You weren't sure, if he knew what he was doing, or if he just followed whatever felt right for him. Because every touch of his fingers between your legs was feeling like nothing you had ever felt before. His thumb was brushing over the fabric that was seperating him from your sex. Back and forth, testing what it would to to you.

And oh- how good it felt, to finally have him touch you there.

When he realized how wet you were, that it even soaked through the fabric, his eyes shot up.

It looked like he wanted to say something, needed to tell you what he thought, but he couldn't.

You kissed him again, mewling as you accidentaly leaned further into his touch with your own movement.
„You want this?“, his rough voice drifted into your ears as you lifted your lips from his mouth.

„More than anything“, your own voice wasn't much better at this point.

The fabric of your shorts was so thin, now that it was wet, you could've just as well been naked.

You whined as he dragged over that spot again, your fingers curled into his hair with every further inch. There was some new confidence dancing over his face, as he licked his lips again, capturing your mouth once more, while one of his fingers dipped further inbetween, and then a second one.
You were so on edge, your hands couldn't decide what to hold onto, his shoulders, his hair, whatever it was, it wasn't enough.
It took all of your willpower, to not rub yourself into him like a bitch in heat.

How many songs have you spent in this position? The music just kept on going, and the playlist was long.
And Bucky clearly found joy in seeing you like this. You felt yourself clenching around nothing, a small displeased noise escaped your throat.

His thumb joined into the rhythm, circling over your clit, still slow but with more urge. Or maybe that was just you. It wasn't the same as skin to skin, the fabric was not as stimulating, but it didn't even matter, when all you thought about was his hands. His fucking fingers- Bucky's.

That alone could've brought you over the edge, just the fact that it was him, and no one else.

It was getting stronger, the pressure was so intense that no amount of control could really hold you up anymore. At some point you would just collapse into him, even with your hands on his shoulders.

You were gripping onto his shirt with trembling fingers and closed your eyes, too weak to hold back, with all that overwhelming heat building up between your legs. Your whimpers were soft at first, still shy, scared it might throw him off or confuse him, but there was nothing to stop them anymore when you had to use all your strength to not come on the spot. You were trying to breathe through it, but when your sounds steadily picked up, his pace also quickened. As if he had been waiting for this exact moment.

You tried your best to concentrate on the pulsing that went through your body, his touch that set your nerves on fire, the tension that was slowly building up the longer he kept going.

But you were loosing control, grinding into him once when a deep moan rose in your chest.

His breath staggered for a second. He couldn't take his eyes away from you. The words were rolling off his tongue with such sweet desperation, „Let go, it's okay“, as if he wanted it even more than you.
His voice was so low and airy that you had to bite back another groan.

„N-no“, you pressed out, seeing the confusion in his face immediately after, „with you“

Your grip on his shoulders got tighter, when you kept back another moan, „Please!“

That tiny little word.

He'd never imagined you would beg for anything, not even for him. Not even in his wildest dreams.

There was a new sensation going through him, and it wasn't as soft and careful anymore.
His dick had been hard this whole time, but the thought of you so despertaley wanting him... It was painful.
Without another word he scooped you up into his arms, your legs instantly closing around his waist as he carried you over to the bed.

He laid you down slowly, catching your lips in a rough kiss, while his hands were cradling your head.

You already started unbuckling his belt, to get his pants open faster.

There was a soft blush on your face as you tried to catch your breath. And it made him loose himself even further, as your own hands came up to cup his face.

He braced himself on either side of your head and deepened the kiss, trying to feel you closer. Your hands were roaming around in his hair, before returning to his face yet again, practically holding him in place, when you deeply moaned right into his mouth.

It was getting too much, he needed you. He couldn't wait any longer.

„You really want me?“, he pried himself from your lips, missing their warmth in an instant.

There was a short moment of confusion in your eyes, as if you didn't understand his question.
„Yes, I want- I need you. So bad“, you whispered.

The relief, that came with your words, were just enough to ground himself for a moment longer.

He burried his face in your neck, kissing it, down to your shoulder.

„Please“, you said again, unable to hold back the desperation in your voice.
There was a low groan coming from him, the sound vibrating through your skin, before he lifted his head back up, barely being able to contain himself.

You let him help you out of your underwear and it took him a second to collect himself at the sight that opened up between your legs- swollen and practically dripping. It was even hotter than he had imagined it all this time.

One of his hands pulled his dick out of his pants, before he aligned himself with you. He glanced at you one more time to make sure.

And with the nod you gave him, all his fear was falling off, the worry, the insecurities. There was no space for that, if your eyes were calling for him.

He was going feral over the sounds you made, the brush of your fingertips over his face, hands shaking a little more with every bit of him sliding into you, so slow.
His hips stuttered as he tried to hold himself back from doing it all in one go. He didn't want to hurt you, still wanted to give you the chance to say no.

He let out an involuntary moan, when he felt how you were already clenching around him, almost sucking him in. So tight.

He was trying to distract himself from the insaitable lust that was growing within him, tried to collect his thoughts, but there was still nothing but you. And he didn't mean to say anything, but with all the sensations that were taking him over, his brain didn't function properly anymore.

„You feel so good, Darling.“

The name slipped out, he couldn't help himself, when all of his restraint was needed to keep himself from rutting into you.
Your chest was rising and falling rapidly and you could barely got a hold of your words, every thought was gone with how deep he was inside of you.

But you heard him, heard what he called you, and your pussy immediately reacted to it, clenching around him again.
You felt so absolutely full, hips pressing aginst him in a desperate call for friction.
„M-move“, you drawled out, your tongue felt heavy.

The way you were so high with lust and desire made him go wild, like he had to scream out to the world how good he wanted to fuck you. He had never felt this way before.

But he tried to keep calm, „Just a bit more, Sweetheart.“

You shivered at his words. They made you melt even more into his touch, into the heat between you both.

His hand linked with yours while he let you adjust. A few painfully long seconds.

When he started moving, your grip on his fingers tightened, you felt his weight on top of you, his cock inside of you. It was pure bliss.
He was starting in a light rythm, long and drawn out, like his fingers on your clit, but this time he wasn't waiting for you to show him a sign if you liked it. His pace grew rapid much faster, as if he couldn't stop himself.

Your voice, your pleas and those cries of pleasure spurred him on. Even though there was nothing to say, he still wanted to reassure you, how good you made him feel. He was ramming into you at this point, groaning in effort, to hit that sweet spot inside you, that made you scream just a little higher.

He would do this again, and again and again, if he'd get the chance. He would never get sick of it.

And he wanted to hold you like this forever, wanted to see you look at him this way every waking hour of the day, so full of ...of love?

Fuck

It was heaven- felt so good that he worried it might not be real. But your voice held him down to earth, when you called for him, over and over.

„I can't-“, he groaned again, as he felt himself tense up.
„Oh please yes, please!“, you cried out, hands holding onto anything you could find, his arms, his hair, his face, „I want it all."
His thrusts grew erratic, when he got closer to his orgasm, hearing you beg for him was not helping at all.

He didn't want it to end, didn't want to let go yet, he needed so much more of you.

All he could do was soak in every expression you made, to remind him. Every bite of your lips, every gasp, every breath you took. Your sounds...your soft voice inbetween moans, telling him that you needed him, telling him how good it was.
Your back arched up from the bed, hips trying to meet his pace, to chase your own pleasure.
And you were so close, he could tell by the way you sucked him in, so tight it was hard to even keep going. You reached for his face again, pulling him into another kiss. It was sloppy, unprecise, teeth and tongue as if there was no thought behind it. He was craving it, the longer it lasted, the more he wanted.
„God, James, dont stop, dont ever stop!“, you breathed against his mouth, closing your eyes with every other thrust.
His name from your lips so close to his, he felt it- not just his own orgasm, but in his chest. A tug on his heart, so strong his hips stuttered.

He moaned into your neck when you finally screamed out your high, closing your arms around him to feel him as close as possible.
And he came so hard he saw stars dancing behind his eyelids. He had to keep himself from biting down on your neck as his body started shaking.

He kept his pace steady for just a little longer, riding it out slowly, before he heard you whine from the overstimulation.

He stopped, but didnt pull out, he just felt you twitch around him. Hot and wet, and full of his cum.
You were gasping for air, just as out of breath as he was. It was all he could hear, until the music in the background slowly came back to his senses. He had completely forgotten about it.

When his mind finally came down, and his senses returned to him, he suddenly realized that they've made a mistake.

„Y/N, we didnt use protection!“, he panted, breath still unsteady. In a flash of panic he tried pulling out, but you made a displeased sound and closed your legs around him again.
„Thats how I like it. Raw“
Fuck, if he hadn't just finished, he would probably do now.

„This is serious.“
„Bucky....“, your voice was tired and weak, „I never had a cycle, after...you know.“, he could tell you were upset, could see the flicker of sadness in your eyes, and immediately wanted to go back and stop himself from even saying anything, „I'm not sure why, but pretty much every part of my body is frozen in time...I don't think I could get pregnant, if that's what you're worried about.“

„I'm sorry“, he said, „I didn't mean to-“
„Can you just hold me?“, you asked, giving him a strained smile.
His eyes softened, „Of course.“

You let him go, and he made sure to be gentle as he adjusted the position. He closed his pants before tucking you close to his chest. You relaxed into him within seconds, heartbeat calming and breath slowing down. Maybe you were already starting to drift off, he wasn't sure, but when he moved again, you didn't say anything. So he got up withouth jostling you too much and quietly searched your bathroom for something to clean you up with and tried his best to be careful with it.

Before he laid back down again, he collected all your clothes off the floor and threw them in the hamper. He just wanted to make sure, you'd be fine when you woke up again. He wanted to take care of you, after you've given him so much. There was no actual thought process behind it.

And after he tucked you in and let you snuggle into his chest again, he could feel his own mind calm down.

He wanted to stay in this moment so badly. Everything was so warm, so safe. He just didnt want to let that go yet.

He gave you a small kiss to the top of your head, „Maybe I dont want anyone else to see you dance, actually.“
You hummed at that and he saw a smile forming at the corners of your lips.

You jolted awake, as someone pounded on your door and you immediately scrambled to the edge of the bed.
„Huh?“, you just asked into the room, your senses just slowly coming back, as you searched the floor for the clothes you'd discarded in the morning. But they were gone.
„Y/N, get up“, the voice of Natasha came through the door.

Panicked you looked around, taking in the unmade bed and empty sheets first. Bucky didnt stay. Your heart sunk as you realized he had left. Maybe he had other things to do but...somehow this was exactly what you had been scared of.
You turned to your wardrobe, and pulled out some shirt big enough to cover all of your intimate parts, just enough modesty to open the door and not let her wait out in the hallway any longer.

You swung the door open and Natasha immediately made a face at your choice of clothes.

„That hungover, babe? Did you sleep until now?“

„I mean, kind o-“, as you answered her, your eyes flickered towards the figure approaching from the hallway.

Bucky halted in his steps, two cups in his hands, one with a teabag hanging out of it. His eyes widened just a tad, when he saw you and Natasha standing at your door.

Nat whipped her head around, alerted from your baffled expression. She quirked an eyebrow at him, „Need something, Barnes?“

Bucky cleared his throat and held up the two cups, „I was gonna wake Y/N up, we-“, he saw you frantically shake your head with wide eyes.

'Don't tell her about us, please don't do it'

„-I had something to talk about. You know. Training.“

Your shoulders relaxed as Nat just gave him a small 'Hm' and turned back to you, „Well if you guys are done, you can come to to the kitchen, I was going to make a nice hangover breakfast, just for you.“

She turned around and left towards the main area of the floor.

You left the door open for Bucky and slowly made your way back into the room

He came in behind and immediately started to stare.

You needed to get dressed, there was no way you could talk to him like this- without any underwear.

And his staring got even harder to ignore, while you modestly tried to put on some sweatpants.

„I thought you left“, you pointed at the tea he still held up, „That for me?“

„Uhh yes.“, he snapped his eyes to the cup, as if he had already forgotten about it, „And I didnt leave, I actually just wanted to get us something to- to drink. Tony and Steve were in the Kitchen, and they asked me, were I was and I said...“, he opened and closed his mouth like a fish, searching for words.

Your blood froze in your veins, „What...What did you tell them?“

„I said, I spent the morning with you, but Stark was being nosy so I fled the Kitchen“

He looked a little bit sheepish. But not sheepish enough to ignore what that meant.

„Oh my god.“, you sunk to the ground, „So they know we-...have you told them anything else?“

Bucky had just made his way over to you, worried about your legs giving out. But before he could even do or say anything, you were already back to your feet.

„Are they still in the Kitchen?“

„Probably, they wanted t-“, you weren't even letting him finish that sentence, sprinting down the hallway were Natasha went. So Bucky had to follow behind, utterly confused. And not very fast, since he didn't want the drinks to spill.

But you were too late anyways. Tonys eyes were wide and Steve had a slight rosy tint on his cheeks, while they were talking to Natasha.

And just as you rounded the corner, they stopped and stared at you for a moment.

„My my, Kid. Making good use of the 'New Year, New Me.'“, Tony said with a sarcastic smirk.

„Wh-what did you say?“, you asked Nat, and she just shrugged her shoulders.

„I asked them what the hell Barnes was 'Training' with you for, and they told me he spent the morning with you, and I just so vividly remember you beeing completely sleepy eyed and bedheaded, wearing nothin' but an oversized shirt while Barnes' pants were covered in glitter. So counting one and one together“, she grinned as Bucky entered the room behind you, „I figured you guys must've been doin' a 'full body workout' with eachother“

You felt your stomach drop, cheeks turning hot in shame.

„Not that I would judge you guys for it, there was so much tension the last few months“

„WhAt?“, you shrieked.

„Wait, since when? Why did I not know?“, Steve asked.

„Don't worry, Cap, you wouldn't have found that out, even if they had a little make out session right in front of you.“, Tony said, patting him on the back, which earned him an annoyed look from Steve.

„So you knew?“, Bucky asked, petrified.

„Knew what?“, Sam strutted into the the kitchen with Clint right behind him, to grab something of the leftover appetizers from last nights party, that Tony had probably brought with him.

„Apparently Y/N and Bucky have a thing going on, and I was the only blind idiot, who didn't know about it.“, Steve stated, he sounded genuienly hurt.

„No shit- are we being for real right now?“, Sam gawked at him and then at Bucky.

„Oh my god, Steve, it was a joke“, Nat said.

Clint laughed, „ So actually, none of us knew?“

„Romanov did, apparently. Very heavy on the 'apparently', since she didnt let anyone in on her knowledge until just now.“, Tony nodded.

Chaos broke loose, as everyone started to discuss, who saw what, or heard of something and had 'a feeling' about you and Bucky, while you both just stood there.

Bucky must've recognized how overwhelmed you were.

So he finally put the cups down onto a nearby countertop and stepped up to the others, blocking you from their view.

„Alright listen up, what you guys are saying is bullshit. None of you knew anything, we barely knew about it ourselves, and its none of your business anyways. We haven't even figured anything out yet, so calm down.“

„Wait, does that mean something actually happened?“, Clint asked, excited to keep the conversation running, for whatever diabolical reason.

All eyes turned to Bucky, some tried glancing around him, but you were hidden behind the wide shoulders of the supersoldier, still trying to calm your nerves.

„No way! You got laid Buck?“, Sam was halfheartedly joking.

Clint snorted, but when everyone kept silent, their smiles turned downwards.

Bucky sighed, before attempting another explanation.

„Okay, yeah“, you suddenly said, „We had Sex. It was actually really nice, to be honest, and even though it IS none of your business, we are still figuring out what any of this means, so please, for once, stop making fun of it!“.

They all stared at you. Even Bucky had turned around, eyes wide and jaw clenched.

„Oh good lord...“ Steve whispered.

He was fully red at this point, face hidden in his hands.

Tony and Clint had some kind of impressed smile on their lips, while Sam still just stared.

„Girl, you better take him for good. I doubt anyone else would actually have him for long enough“, he cackled.

„Very fucking funny“, Bucky mumbled.

„Do I have to give you guys the speech? You know with the bees and the bunnys?“, Tony said looking back and forth between them.

„Its birds, not bunnys“, Natasha rolled her eyes.

„Tomato Tomahto“

„How did you never talk to me about this, Bucky?“, Steve asked as he sat down at the counter, clearly shaken up and confused.

„He's too shy, look at the boy. He never had an actual girlfriend, he gotta be scared as hell!“, Sam hollered.

„There was nothing to tell anyone, and thats just not true, Sam. I had girls before, I just didn't love any of them.“, Bucky said, and the room fell completely silent, no more jokes or banter.

The blood rushed in your ears and your heart made a little jump, as you fully registered his words, „What?“

Bucky froze and turned around again, „I- I dont know why I said that, just came over me. I didnt mean it like that-“

You flinched. You tried your best, to keep an unfazed expression, before you turned around and left the kitchen.

Bucky stood there, completely flabbergasted, his mouth not being able to form a single coherent sentence, as he turned to look at the others.

„Nah, thats on you man“, Sam mumbled.

„How was that on me? You guys are confusing the hell out of me!“, he said, waving at them, „This all would've never happened, if you weren't so annoying. I was gonna get her Tea and talk about last night in peace and quiet and then this shit happens!“, he yelled out.

He has never been so outright mad in front of them, and they seemed to realize that as well, as they started to look concerned.

„Well then go and talk, who cares what we think. Go fix it!“, Natasha ushered him out of the kitchen.

He looked at Steve one last time, knowing that this probably wasn't just a shock to him, but a literal break in his trust for Bucky. Allthough Steve, as hurt as he was, still gave his friend an encouraging nod.

Your door wasn't locked, but it felt wrong to just go in.

So he knocked. And knocked again, when there was no answer.

„Y/N? Please you have to talk to me.“

Still nothing.

„Really? Are you actually going to shut me out again?“

He regretted those words immedietly. But there still was nothing behind the door.

Or... no, there was something.

Water running. You were crying.

He went inside.

„Y/N“, he stood infront of the bathroom door now, „Are you alright?“

You sniffled again, not answering him.

„Are you hurt?“

„No, I just dropped all of my stuff on the floor“, you said, voice a little weak, „And then I got angry, and then I started crying. You can leave, I'm okay.“

„You're clearly not okay, if you're this upset.“, he sighed, „If you don't want to talk then I'll leave for now, but I'll come back later“

There was another pause, before you finally opened the door.

„I don't know what to tell you, I'm just always so emotianal now.“

„It's fine, I guess that would be expected. A lot has happened since yesterday.“, he didnt mean to let all those thoughts of you beneath him creep into his mind.

He just cleared his throat and continiued, „I never intended for us to have this converstation-“, he pointed between them,“ with all those idiots. I was awake this whole time, before I decided to get the drinks, and I thought about you, and what this all means for hours. I actually tried to form a conversation beforehand, so I wouldn't completely embarrass myself, like I did back there.“

You looked at him, studying his facial expression with an intensity that made him want to turn away and leave the room immediately.

„So you wanted to tell me, that it wasn't gonna work between us, after giving me a cup of tea?“

„That is not-“, he sighed again, trying to figure out the best way, to comunicate his feelings „That is not what I was gonna say. But I also didn't mean to say that I love you in front of all those people. Shit, I'm scared to just say it out loud for you alone, because that is something I would've never even dreamed of getting back. My life wasn't supposed to go like this, after all these years, you and I. It was too far away for so long, I-“, he pinched the bridge of his nose, before looking back at you.

You didn't seem to be angry anymore. But there were a lot of gears turning in your head at what he said.

„Your emotions are naturally out of place, thats what you said. What they did to you, Hydra. You will never just be yourself anymore, thats all I knew after we met each other again, so I had a lot of trouble even letting myself think about you in this kind of way. And I still dont know, if you could even like me, after I was the one who damned you all those years ago-“

„Bucky“, suddenly you were right in front off him, and he realized how his fists were clenched at his sides. You tried getting a hold of them, gently letting your thumbs run over the skin on the back of his hand. His raging nerves were immediately calming down at your touch.

„It just...wasn't right. For so long.“

„Is that so?“, your lips were pressed into a thin line.

„It's not that I don't want to be with you. Because I do, it's all I can think about. But you're just...I always seem to hurt people that are close to me. I push them away in the wrong moments or can't show what I really think. I have so many problems, so much baggage that I will never get rid of. How could I expect someone to...to love me then?“

All you did was touch his face, your gentle fingers caressing his cheek. He couldn't help but lean into it a bit, before you spoke up again, „You can't control what other people do or feel. And you think, by keeping them away you have more power over a situation, but that is not the case. We've talked about this already. And if I tell you right now, that I love you- that I want to be with you, would you still push me away? Is there no way you could see this work at all?“

His breath faltered, and his brows furrowed as he saw just how sad you were.

„I know you will always have problems, but so will I. And that never seemed to stop you from- from liking me. And I want to believe that it's a good thing, that we found eachother again. I told you once, that I'm ready to be here for you, if you need me. And even if you don't want to admit it, but loving someone can change a person. And we both needed change.“

He couldn't say anything. Nothing that wouldn't let his heart fall apart for good. Nothing, that could've told you how much your words stuck with him in that moment, how his perception had slowly altered in real time.

Everything about you has always felt a little unreal to him, out of reach, a bit too perfect.

But that was exactly what he didn't get until now.

Your imperfections mad you the one. Your fears let you understand him, see things from his perspective. Let you feel for him in no way anyone else could.

That wasn't because you were just too good to be true, but because you put the work in, to understand him better. And because you'd gone through so much, just like him.

„I know it might break me, but no matter how much you will push me away, I can't let go of you“, at your last words he saw your lower lip tremble, eyes swimming with unshed tears.

And he couldn't stand it, coudln't see you be so heartbroken over something that was so stupid.

His face shifted in your hold, his lips pressing a soft kiss into your palm, and another one, and another one, before he took it into his own hand, squeezing it slightly before hugging you tight to his chest. He felt you shaking in his hold, tears wet on his shirt, but that didn't matter.

He pressed another kiss to your head, hands drifting through your hair, as you held onto him. Crying in silence.

„I love you, Y/N. We can make this work, I promise I will make it work.“

A whimper escaped your throat at his words, and he could feel his own chest getting tight with every passing second. But he would never let go of you again. He had to keep his promise this time, for you, for him. Because he would never let your eyes look at him this way ever again. And even if everything about this was new and uncertain, he felt like he could be fine, as long as you were by his side.

Chapter Text

„Can you at least look at me?“, he asked, „You're usually the one that gives big speeches and talks about everything, and now you ignore me?“

Steve didn't budge and just gave Bucky a short glance before going back to chopping potatos and onions.

„I really wanted to give you some more time, but I'm...we have to talk about this- give me the chance to apologize, Steve.“

„What do you want to apologize for?“, Steve finally said, not looking up from the board, „That you like the same girl as me? Or that you didn't tell me about it?“

„Both.“

„Well, it's both stupid reasons to apologize.“, he scoffed.

„Then what should I apologize for...?“, he was basically pleading at this point.

Steve had given him the cold shoulder for a while now, even though Bucky wanted to let his friend decide when he was ready to talk about it, it's gotten to a point where he felt like the biggest piece of shit, whenever Steve was around. He just couldn't stand it. Couldn't stand that his best friend, his partner was mad at him.

„You shouldn't apologize.“, he sighed and the tension left his body, as soon as he set the knife down, „You didn't exactly do anything wrong it's just...“, he looked at him, his eyes so full of sorrow that Bucky felt his heart drop to his stomach, „I've told, you what I felt for her and you just took it, never said anything, never...never even gave me the chance to step back for you. We're supposed to trust eachother- I always trusted you. But you kept this a secret from me. And I don't need you to apologize, I need some time to work this out with myself first. I have to let go of her.“

„You don't have to let go. You're so important to her, it would break her heart-“

„Not as a person. I need to let go of my feelings for her. I'm trying my best.“, he fumbled with the handle of the knife, turning it back and forth, „I can't imagine, what that must've felt like for you. Hear me talk about her, do all these things with her“

Bucky wasn't really sure, where this was supposed to go. He had been prepared to kneel before Steve, let him have his way, be mad, be angry. But not that he would feel remorse.

„You haven't done anything wrong, Steve- Buddy, look at me.“, he put his hands down on the island-counter and leaned forward to meet the eyes of his friend, „I made a mistake, because I wasn't honest to myself, and I was too worried about everyone else in this scenario, when I should've just come clean once and for all. Now I know that and even though I was jealous that you had so much more time with her for a while, I could never be mad at you for that.“, he furrowed his brows, „Just don't let this get between us. I can give you as much time as you need, if you say so. As long as I know you will come back to me, I couldn't...I couldn't live with the thought that I hurt you.“

Steve sighed again and closed his eyes, „I don't know if I can just stop seeing her this way, how long it will take...I don't know if she even wants to talk to me anymore.“

Bucky shook his head, „Why not? She doesn't know you like her romantically.“

His eyes shot open, „She doesn't? You didn't tell her?“

„Of course not, this ain't my choice to make. And I didn't need to wreck this whole situation even further. Her and I, we're already struggling, with whatever we got going on. We still have to find our place in each others life, now that we know how important-“, he stopped himself, „You probably don't even want to know that.“

But he couldn't deny how relieving it already felt, to finally tell his friend about some of those thoughts. Even if it wasn't much.

„No, it's not that I don't want to know, god. This is so embarrassing. I thought you told her.“, he rubbed a hand over the nape of his neck, „She never knew?“

„At least not from me.“

„I'm sorry. I made this so much more complicated, just because I assumed, you told her. I-“, he looked at Bucky again, cringing at himself.

„It's okay, you know now and you don't have to worry about her confronting you.“

He laughed nervously, „Man, I feel like an idiot. I should've just heard you out...“

Bucky gave him a small grin, „You still get to decide your own fate, if you just want to keep going with her, or let her know, it's up to you. But I can't promise I won't step in, if you ever flirt with her again.“ Allthough he had always loved seeing you get flustered around Steve, even though it was because of another man. That man was one of the most important people in his life.

„I'm not even good at flirting. I'm guessing, that's why she never even saw me like that.“, Steve chuckled.

„It's not your fault...“, he cleared his throat, „She usually thinks people are just making fun of her.“

„Really? Oh man. Makes me feel bad for all the teasing...“

„Don't worry, she's getting better at that, or at least she's gotten better at flirting herself.“, his chest felt warm, at the thought of all those recent moments with you, when you would tease the hell out of him. Let him blush even, which was something he had never really done before.

„She really does likes you, huh?“, his smile was a little bittersweet, „I never even stood a chance, man. Sucks.“

„I don't know...“, it was hard not to think about the possibility of you and Steve getting together, when he would've been the much better choice for you. He really didn't want to think like this anymore, but it was hard to accept, that someone really did love him. Loved the man he was today.

„It's okay, maybe that helps. Knowing, that I couldn't even get with her in the first place.“

„I think she trusts you, Steve. It might break her heart just as much, if you'd never talk to her again...“

His friend took a deep breath at that. Those words had seemingly gotten to him. Like it physically hurt, that he was so important to you, „Alright, let's just stop here, I think we can both agree that this whole thing is not worth a fight.“

„Definetely not.“, he was unbelievably relieved, that this conversation had turned out to well.

„You want to help me cook? I'm making stew.“, he mentioned towards all the fresh ingredients infront of him, „I can teach you.“

„Actually“, he took a step backwards, „Y/N has gotten really clingy, I think I should go look for her. She mentioned something about doing, uhh cardio or- “

„Buddy, if you want to watch her work out, just say that. Like I don't know you at all.“, he cocked an eyebrow at him, while Bucky was suddenly very interested in the pattern of the kitchen tiles.

„Yeah okay, but she really is clingy.“

„No, she's in love. She probably want's to spend as much time with you, as she can. Pretty normal, if you ask me.“

„Maybe I lost the feeling, for having a relationship. It's been so fucking long...“, he mumbled.

„Just go, I can show you another time.“

He didn't see the laugh, that Steve tried to hold back, after turning towards the elevator, "Alright, I'll see you later."

Bucky couldn't have known, that Steve was well aware of the tension between you both.

How unbelievably electric the room suddenly felt, when you were together. And even the small touches, that weren't as hidden from the team, as Bucky thought.

Everyone knew how smitten he was with you, even though he might not want to admit it.

But why should he even hide it, when it felt so good to be loved.

You didn't hear him, when he entered the gym, since you were still wearing your headphones and listening to music.

He couldn't help but let his eyes wander over you, even though he didn't have to be ashamed of it anymore. You weren't shying away from his glances, would even play into it sometimes. Would change your position, or slightly turn around to let him get a better angle, of whatever his gaze was drawn to. So he definetely knew, you were okay with him watching. Maybe even wanted him to.

But this was still...something.

Breathless, sweaty, dressed in tight leggings and a sports-bra and hair tied up into a high ponytail.

He loved to see you wear your hair up, loved seeing your neck so exposed. Sometimes it was still a shock to him, how revealing some of the clothes where in this time, not like the 30s or 40s, when just a skirt ending above the knees had been seen as something flirty.

Maybe that would drive him even crazier, who knew. Seeing you in a dress like that? In a pub, him being a gentleman and buying you a drink, before he would try to get a dance with you...the image of you wearing your bright smile, while twirling around to the sound of jazz and laughter, let his chest tingle.

And suddenly, as if you could sense his presence, you whipped around to him, shoulders still heaving, while you dried yourself with a towel.

„Oh hey“, you said, a little louder due to your headphones.

You stopped the music on your phone, before taking them off, „I was just done, wanted to take a shower before coming to you.“

He fought the urge to offer his help for that and just gave you a little smile, „You don't need to shower for me.“

That wasn't better at all.

You scoffed, „Yes, I do.“

„You always smell good.“

You gave him an annoyed look, „Stop.“

„With what?“, he asked all innocent, as he walked over to you, „I was hoping I'd be down here sooner, to see a bit more of your workout to be honest.“

„Bold, are we?“, you grinned, while dabbing the towel over your chest, „You can come, if you just ask.“

„Huh?“

„Shower, with me. You think I would mind? After all the things we've done?“

He swallowed. You were so much better at this, than him. He really tried his best, to see a blush on your cheeks again, but it seemed, that the tables had turned on him.

It had been so much easier, before you had been aware, of how much he liked you.

„Or don't, it'll be much faster that way.“, you walked around him, throwing the towel over your shoulder.

And when you walked towards the exit, his eyes lingered on your ass for a moment. Those leggings were clinging to you like a second skin, so tight around the waist, that your curves were almost entrancing him. Truly a sight to behold.

If he could, he'd take a picture, because that was an image, he would never get tired of.

He quietly cursed at himself.

You'd be the death of him, if he wasn't careful. He was a 100 years old, his heart couldn't take this for long. But he had never felt more starved, now that he's gotten a taste of you.

You waited for him at the elevator, after he had composed himself a little. And you knew exactly what you were doing to him, judging by your grin.

„What was that song? That sounded pretty unfit for a workout session.“, he tried to distract from the very obvious fact, that he was barely containing himself.

Your grin faltered a little, „You heard that?“

Maybe it was his imagination, but for a moment it sounded like your voice was wavering. Just a little too high.

„Was loud enough to entertain the whole floor.“, he crossed his arms infront of him, „You always listen to stuff like that? Didn't take you for such a softie.“

„It's catchy...I can't help it. And the thing in my head keeps playing it anyway, even if I don't listen to it myself. They let that song run over and over and over.“

„That al-...the Devora?“

You nodded, looking a little defeated.

„How is that possible?“, he asked, as you both stepped into the elevator, „Is it like a a memory?“

„Exactly like that. Whatever my brain has stored, they can just pick it up and show it to me. No matter how long ago, it always feels brand new.“

„That sounds annoying, to be honest.“

„Tell me about it“, you sighed, „They never let anything go. And they sit at the source, so they have the upper hand at all times. Can't do anything about it.“

„Does it like...taunt you? I thought, you had a good conection with eachother?“, he wonderd, thinking about what you've told him.

That it would protect you, that it was always helping you, when times were hard and feelings got out of control. As far as he knew, the Devora would sometimes be more concerned for your safety than you.

„Guess, you could say that? At least it enjoys my misery. And cause drama, when theres nothing else going on. Maybe they're just bored guickly. I imagine, this is what having a sibling feels like.“

„I mean, In a way. Sounds very close“, he shrugged his shoulders, „Does it have an actual personality? A voice? Like a complete person inside your head?“

For some reason that thought terriffied him.

„Not exactly. They have only talked to me once and I don't really like to think of that anymore. And I think they do have some kind of personality...not much, but if being pesky counts-“, you cut off, breath hitching in your throat, when your eyes widened.

„Y/N? What's wrong?“, his hand instinctively came up to your shoulder, just as the doors of the elevator opened again. He could feel your skin burning up instantly. Much more than usual.

„Mhhm“, you groaned, and burried your face in your hands, as you walked away, leaving him utterly confused.

He gave Steve a shrug of his shoulders, when his friend looked after her with questioning eyes.

You went ahead into your room without a word.

„Are you alright? What's going o-“, you pulled him down by his shirt, lips crashing into his without even letting him finish his sentence.

You whined into the kiss, as if something was bothering you, as if it just wasn't enough.

„Wait-“, he tried to say something, but you didn't let go of him, your hands were roaming over his face and into his hair now, before he felt himself give into it.

Who was he to break this apart, when this was exactly what he wanted?

You shuddered, while your skin was starting to feel like it would set aflame any second now.

„Y/N...“, he said it so carefully, as if he didn't actually want you to stop.

„Just, let me do this. I have to-“, you breathed against his mouth, before the tip of your tongue brushed against his lips.

You barely kissed him with tongue, which he was glad about. Because he would start to panic, had even bitten your tongue one time, which could be one of the reasons, it didn't happen that often anymore.

But now you didn't hold back, just explored his mouth, while he could only try, to not fuck it up.

You whined again, even more frustrated.

„Darling-“

„Don't say that, oh god!“, you broke away from him, as if you had to pry yourself from his lips with all your strength, „Say something nasty, something weird, something that would immediately turn someone off!“, you tried to shake away whatever was irritating you so badly.

„Uhm...I- I don't know, what turns people off? Think about Fury, maybe that helps.“, he rambled, picking up the desperate look in your eyes.

„Not enough to stop this-“

„Stop what? What is happening?“, he really tried to comfort you, but he was so lost.

„They didn't like what I said. About them being annoying. I just never thought, they would pay me back like this, usually they show me embarrassing memories. This has only happened a few times, and never when I was around people...“

He was slowly realizing, what you were saying, „The Devora?“

„Yes, who else?“, you snapped, pacing around, while fanning air into your face.

„What does it show you?“, he asked quietly. Intrigued.

If you wanted him to turn you off then...

„Just pictures. Stuff. Things about me and- and you.“, you shifted around nervously, when you tried to look at him, „Actually that's just as embarrassing.“

„Us? What kind of stuff, what kind of pictures?“ Did he even want to know that? Could he handle it, after seeing, how much trouble you were having with it?

You met his gaze, lips tight and jaw clenched, as if you were trying to hold back your answer.

„Things that get me hot. Literally. Just to make me loose my mind, to laugh at me even. It's like a punishment. And it's pretty hard to stand right next to you while...while thinking of you in those kind of situations and-“, you looked so embarrassed, „Maybe you should leave.“

It took him a few seconds to gather his own thoughts, „You want me to...leave?“, he swallowed at the excitement he felt, about what you had just revealed to him.

And he had to gather all his confidence to say his next words, „I could help you.“

Your eyes shot back to him, fear blitzed up in them, before your gaze turned much... softer.

„I don't want to give into it. That's exactly what it wants.“, you whispered, but didn't stop him, when he came closer, to cup your face with his hands, „I can't let them win.“

„I think it would be my win, not theirs. Don't you think?“, he said, voice low, eyes shifting back and forth between yours. They were glazed over, pupils so dilated that you looked completely out of it.

„Let me help you.“, he whispered, before giving you a soft slow kiss, that had you mewling even more, fingers clawing at his shirt, „Didn't you want to take a shower anyway?“

You laugh was airy and weak, „So you do wanna take that offer?“

„How could I not?“, he kissed you again, a little more demanding.

„You're much better at getting me hot anyway“, you said quietly and he had to keep himself from groaning at that.

Before you even entered the bathroom, you were already undressing and he helped, to get your clothes off, best as he could, while simultainiously getting off his own, stealing another kiss or two in the meanwhile.

He tried not to think about his scars, or his prosthetic. Tried not to imagine you being disgusted by any of it, after he had worried about it so many times now.

But you had never said anything close, never given him the chance, to feel insecure, when you saw his bare chest. You would always tell him, how beautiful he was, while brushing your hands over his arms, his stomach, his chest. You would always make sure, he knew how much you loved his body, that none of his imperfections made him less worth it. Less desirable. And it had definetely worked wonders on his confidence.

He shoved you further into the room, guiding you into the shower until your back hit the wall.

„Tell me when to stop.“, he said and let his mouth roam your skin, wherever he could reach.

„But I don't want you to stop.“, you breathed, as he nipped at your neck once, before kissing along your jawline.

His hands were squeezing your hips, pulling your pelvis flush against him.

„The shower“, your hand trying to reach out for the handle on the wall, but you couldn't get to it, with him so close.

„Right, we need to get you wet first.“, he couldn't believe what he was saying.

His mind had never been this filthy, not before you had shown him, just how good this all was. Had basicallly awakened a side of him, that he had deemed to be burned out completely.

But now that he was allowed to, there was nothing stopping him from taking what he wanted.

Which was you. All of you.

You groaned at his words and closed your eyes at the sensation that ran through your body.

„Don't say that, I can't handle any more playing around, please.“

„Of course, whatever you want.“, he hummed, as he started the shower. The water that hit you both was so warm, that it steamed up the bathroom in no time.

Your skin was glistening, every inch of you looked even smoother than he had thought was possible.

„Here“, you handed him a bottle, which looked like shower gel or shampoo, „You can do it.“

„Do what?“, he looked at the bottle, before his eyes returned to your face.

But he understood immediately, when you let your hands wander over your body, brushing over all the parts that he so desperately needed to feel himself.

He put some of it into his hands, before he started to rub it all over you, gently massaging it into your skin.

His fingers would linger on your breasts a little longer, 'cleaning' them thoroughly before moving further down. All the while you would look at him, your hands playing with his hair, biting your lips softly whenever he reached a spot, that felt a little more sensitive.

You propped one of your legs up, resting it against his hip, as he let his hand travel all the way from your ass over your thighs, fingers sinking into the flesh where it was softest. Lathering your skin.

He was so glad, that your body didn't need the same amount of muscles and training it took for most S.H.I.E.L.D. agents to maintain their strength.

Your curves were driving him crazy, even more so when you wore nothing. How soft you were, how he could hold onto you.

He was scared to say it out loud, scared that you would get the wrong idea. Because for him it was nothing but perfection. He felt blessed, privileged even, that he was allowed to touch you so intimately.

There wasn't anything he liked in particular, just all of you.

Well- there was one thing. One specific part of you, that would have him kneel in an instant, if that meant, he could get a good look or just a simple touch of it.

Maybe you already knew, how could you not? With the way he mufflled his own moans into your skin, while his grip on your ass tightened. He let his mouth roam without sense, just instincts.

His dick was rubbing against the inside of your thigh, every bit of friction caused his breath to stutter.

His hands were slipping here and there with how agitated he was. He was practically shaking with arousal.

„You think that's enough?“, he whispered against your neck, „I'm pretty sure you're clean. Can I-“, he choked down another moan, when your fingers tugged a little on his strands, pulling his head back slightly.

„Let's not get to ahead of ourselves.“, you said, as you pushed him off of you.

His errection was painfully hard at this point, but you turned away from him, with a glint in your eyes.

You were playing with him. You were using this all against him, just after you had been so overwhelmed by your own lust...

He pressed himself into you from behind, „Are you really going to stop this here?“, there was a shiver going through your whole body as you felt him. All of him.

„I don't want to slip.“, you just said, as if it was so obvious.

He felt betrayed. He needed you, needed to get relief. More of you.

But you just rinsed your Body in peace, not even glancing back at him, letting him tremble with anticipation, denying him what he wanted.

„Please“, he mumbled, using the exact same word, that would usually let him cave in.

You shut the water off, stepped out of the shower and handed him a towel, while wrapping yourself in another one.

This couldn't be real.

There was just no explanation for him, why you left him so desperate, why you didn't want more, after what he'd seen earlier. When you had been so turned on just by his presence and the thought of what he would do to you.

How could you just walk out on him now? Leave him confused and full of desire?

He followed you, watched, as you closed the blinds in the room, saw you lock the door and walk over to the bed.

Before he could even conect the dots in his head, you already let your towel fall to the ground and undid your hair. You climbed into the bed on your hands and knees , finally looking at him over your shoulder as you lowered yourself onto the mattress.

There it was again. That fire burning in your eyes.

You never wanted him to stop, you had actually been concerned to do it in the shower.

„Come here“, you said softly, „we weren't done yet.“

He walked towards the bed, watching carefully, how you sprawled out for him.

„You're killing me“, he growled, „You don't even know what you're doing to me, Sweetheart.“

„Maybe I do“, you mused, wiggling your hips a little.

Oh, you knew. Definetely.

„Is this really what you want?“, he asked, when he got up behind you on the bed, hands gently reaching for the expanse of your hips as your raised your lower body up again, just for him.

He had to keep himself from dragging you back into him, denied the urge to immediately rut into you. This angle...it was so diffirent.

He'd never thought about doing it from behind until now, but it was exhilirating. A completely new feeling.

„I want whatever you need.“, you said then, pressing yourself into him carefully.

This was such a change to what he was used to.

And you were so much more skilled in this, he had no idea what he was doing most of the time. If it weren't for you guiding him, he'd probably never get you to come. He was just running on instincts, not thinking about any of it until it was over, but now? He was unprepared.

„Hey“, he realized, you had turned around, sitting before him with one of your hands laying against his heaving chest, „You don't have to. I won't make you do something, you don't want.“

His nerves were a little on edge, but he really didn't mean to worry you.

„No, it's okay...I just don't know, if I'm good in this...position.“, he stuttered out.

„You don't need to be perfect, it's just us two. And no matter what you do, it always feels so good, I don't care how we do it. Just tell me what-“

„No I-“, you were still so careful with him, it melted his heart, „I want to, I'm just overthinking it.“

„Don't rush it, just do what you feel like, and nothing more.“, you reassured him again, giving him a peck on the cheek, before leaning back, to let him decide what he wanted.

„Let's try it.“, he huffed.

You turned back around and grabbed a pillow to burry your face in, while he positioned himself behind you.

His hands drifted over your hips and waist, back and forth, trying to find a good spot to hold onto, before aligning himself with you. He tried not to think too long, before easing into you, he didn't need more self-caused issues, when he could have you like this. And every inch had him hissing, since he'd been hard for so long by now.

All he tried to concentrate on, was the muffled sounds you made, face still partially in the pillow, while you were gripping onto the sheets with your fingers, clawing at everything you could find.

The view he had from behind you was letting his head swim, every bit of you was so beautiful, even if he could only see you from this angle. One of his hands was roaming over the curve of your ass, until he heard you gasp. He hadn't even realized, that he was fully inside already, but from one moment to the other, he could tell, that this angle would be much more exciting. He had only bottomed out and could already feel you clenching around him.

But he didn't know, what you were thinking, couldn't see your face or your expressions. Only had his own hazed mind to follow, while he tested the feeling, slowly grinding into you, almost careful, but it was immediately overwhelming him. You were so tight.

"Is this okay?", he asked, barely getting the words out, in his attempt to control himself.

But you didn't answer him, he could only hear you moan, deep and shameless. Obscenely errotic.

Fuck his control, if you were so ready, he wouldn't waste his time on more sentiments. 

His first thrusts were still a bit unsure, but every sound you made, let him come back harder, faster. This was all him, each thrust, each movement was under his guidance. You could only let him take you and somehow he got a feeling, that it was exactly what you wanted.

You turned your face to the side, tried to breathe through the harsh movements. The way he was rocking your body with so much force, every single sensation let the fire inside you burn a little stronger and you could only gasp for more air. Tears were pricking at the corners of your eyes, when he was going so deep with every thrust, that there was no more space inside of you, just him, all him. The thought of him filling you up again, like the last time, popped into your head, and you felt your walls tighten around him, so strong, that he staggered for a moment, unable to catch the moan from slipping out of his mouth.

Your body was reacting to the image of his cum dripping out of you, you couldn't help it.

There were full on tears running over your face now, you felt them run over your mouth, tasted the salt on your tongue, when you cried out even louder.

It was too good, too much. The arousal, which had been built up even before he had entered you, was basically your punishment now. You wouldn't make it any longer at this point, but you wanted to wait, wanted to him to join you. His pleasure was even more important than your own.

Your moans were turning into agony, every time he pushed himself into you it wrecked you further, there was just no time to calm down.

„Ngh-god, p-please, Bucky-“, you cried into the pillow. It was so painful to hold back, when your whole body was so tight, when you were so intoxicated with passion.

„Y/N“, he grunted out, his pace slowing down until he completely stilled all of a sudden, to lean down over you, ,„I want to see you, turn around.“, he pulled out just enough so he could help you flip over, panting from both effort and desire.

You immediately straightened up, lips latching onto his, kissed him so rapidly, that he felt his teeth graze your skin. Your tongue slipped into his mouth again, and this time he didn't just let you, he joined in, to taste even more of you. The tears were confusing him for a moment, before you moaned right into his mouth.

He laid you down onto your back and you grabbed another pillow, to shove underneath you for more leverage, before you let him continiue.

He went right back to work, picked up the pace and fell into the same rythm with ease.

There was no time for more interruption, he felt how close you were, how tight you got around him, when your drawled out moans grew louder.

You let him see you unfold, let him take in how good it felt, eyes searching for his every now and then, before closing them at another hard thrust.

„So full.“, you groaned, as your nails scratched over his back slightly. It didn't hurt, it was just another sensation added into his already dazed perception.

Your cheeks were wet, breath hitching with every move he made inside you, „M-more!“

More? What more? What else could he possibly give you?

„What do you need, Darling? Tell me“, he pressed out, trying to control his movements with all his might, when it started to feel like he was going to rip apart from the pressure building inside him.

„You, I need you. I need you to fill me up, James, please! I can't-“, there was a strong shiver going through your body and you had to shut your eyes at the wave, that was running along your nerves, coming to collect right in your middle, right between your legs.

Your lips were trembling, eyes begging him to let you finish, to finally give you what you wanted.

And it was all he needed, the last push that sent him over the edge. He burried his face in the crook of your neck, while he was riding out his high, felt himself pour into you. Every single drop.

You had asked for it, had begged him for it even. As if it wasn't already the hottest thing ever, to come inside of you.

Your grip on his hair tightened and he realized, that even though he was done, you were still shaking, you were still going. So with the bit of clarity, that was still left in him after his orgasm, he held you, kissed your shoulder, between your breasts, caressed your legs, until your body finally gave out.

You were a mess, so spent, you had trouble focusing your eyes, spots were dancing behind your eyelids whenever you closed them, to blink against the fog in your head.

You made a small displeased sound as he shifted.

„Are you okay?“, he asked, voice still shaking from effort.

The worry in his tone had you confused, when you looked up at him, „Y-yeah. I feel great, just a little dizzy.“

„You were crying“, he stated, „Did I hurt you? I was already so..I didn't really register what was happening, I didn't mean to-“

„It's called tears of pleasure, Baby. You didn't hurt me at all, you just fucked me so good I started crying.“, you gave him a lazy grin, swooning at the baffled expression he made.

„How? I barely knew what I was doing.“, he muttered and pulled you up into a seating position with him.

He was still deep inside you, while you sat right on his lap, clinging to his chest with the last bit of your strenght, while he caressed your back.

„You gotta be a natural then“, you laughed as you rested your head onto his shoulder, sighing at the relief that was spreading through your body, now that all the pressure and heat was gone, „That was so intense, I thought I was going to pass out.“

He hummed, still worried apparently, „Are you really okay with all this?“

You hesitated a moment, „You mean with sex?“

„I think- I mean, isn't it too fast? I feel like we have barely started showing eachother what we really feel...“

Maybe he was just overthinking it, but there was a little twinge in your chest at his words, „I told you, you don't have to.“

„That's not what I'm saying“, he sighed, his arms closing around you for comfort, „I don't want to ruin this, before it even started.“

„I'm sorry. I never wanted to ruin anything. I feel like I'm turning into a whore, ever since our first time together. I think of you every night, every hour of the day. There are so many moments I want to relive or that I hope to experience...I understand if it's too fast for you, I guess I should practice more selfcontrol.“, you felt so ashamed, to admit to him, how horny you had been in all this time.

„Don't use that word.“, he pulled you away from his chest, making you look straight into his face.

His eyes were stern, angry even, „You are definetely not a 'whore' or anything like that, do you even know what you're saying? I'm not judging your sex-drive, Y/N. I just wanted to make sure you don't regret any of this.“

„How could I?“, you whispered, „You're all I want, there is nothing better than this, than being in your arms and so unbelievably close to you.“

His eyes softened, he visibly swallowed as he searched for his next words, „I've dreamed of this, for so long. And before that I've spend so many decades without any sort of care or love or touch... If I could, I would just never let go of you anymore, but I'm so scared of loosing what we have.“

„You dreamed about me?“, your eyes were wide.

„Is that all you heard?“, he sighed, looking away from you for a second and you tried to apologize, but he didn't let you, „I dreamed about you so often, I can't even say when it started. Asleep or during the day, it was just normal at some point, even though it shouldn't have been.“

„Why not?“

„Because you weren't mine, I shouldn't have thought of you that way.“, he said, suddenly just as ashamed as you were.

„I did too...I even remember the exact day it started, allthough I didn't fully understand it back then.“, you tried to not look sheepish, but you felt your cheeks turn warm at the memory of Bucky walking out of the elevator, breathless and sweaty.

„Really?“, there was a small glint in his eyes as he held back a smile, „When? Tell me“

„No“

„Come on, I already told you how much of a creep I was, you don't have anything to hide.“

„It's not creepy, if someone reciprocates those feelings.“

„Stop distracting.“

„Okay fine“, you groaned, „Do you remember that day, when we watched The lord of the rings?“

His brows furrowed, as he tried to find that day in his memories, eyes widening in shock, when he realized, just how long ago that was, „You mean-“

„I was already thirsting over you before I even trusted you. So please don't tell me you're creepy. I'm the weirdo here, clearly.“

He was way too baffled to respond at first. Just blinked at you, while you started blushing under his intense gaze.

„Maybe you're right. I'm definetely not the creepy one of us.“

„Not my fault, that you were walking around with that tight shirt and-“, you pressed your lips together, before you would embarrass yourself any further, „You know what, I'll just take it. I was a creep, but in my defense- I had a version of you in my head, that would whisper all kinds of sweet things to me every night. I was getting manipulated.“

„You what?“, he couldn't hold back the bewildered laugh, that came over his lips.

Every part of you wanted to get away from him in that moment, you were so deeply embarrassed.

But when you tried to get up, he just held you tighter, pushing you right back onto his-

You hadn't even realized it. And neither had he, when he exhaled once you sat back down, his face a little strained.

„You're not going anywhere, before you don't tell me about it.“, he said with a small teasing grin on his lips, that was probably supposed to distract you.

„I don't think you're in a position to demand anything from me“, you wiggled your hips a little, feeling him stiffen, a low groan rising in his chest, „How are you still hard, when I'm literally dripping with your cum?“

„Don't say that, that sounds so gross.“, he muttered, as he laid his forehead onto your shoulder, but you definetely felt him twitch inside you.

„Really? I don't know, I personally love it.“, you hummed, intentionally clenching around him. As overstimulating as it was, you couldn't help the excitement it brought you, to tease him. His arms tightened around your back a little stronger. Holding on, as if he needed to distract himself now.

„I was definetely done already, I don't know why...“

„Oh“, you mused, „So it's hard again? That's interesting.“

„I told you, it's been decades.“, he huffed, letting his lips linger on your neck, sucking on the skin, lost in thought, „I've been inside you all this time, while we were talking, and with all this stamina I have...I can't help it.“

„Poor James“, you cooed, „So touch-starved and so In love that he turns into an adolescent teenager“

He sighed at the name you used for him. Everytime you called him James, his heart jumped a little. It definetely didn't help, that you always used it in such intimate moments. Always so dearly. So loving.

„I don't mind, we can always take another shower, whenever we're done.“, you breathed right next to his ear.

He shivered, his desire returning back to him in an instant.

„I don't know if I'll ever be done with you.“

Later that evening, you both made your way into the kitchen. Some of the others were just done with their dinner, when you sat down a bit further away from Bucky, in an attempt to not annoy them of you both being so into eachother all the time.

But Sam didn't take any of that, „Who you think you're foolin'? You just spent hours together in your room, stop acting all innocent out here, when we can literally smell your shampoo on him.“

Natasha snorted, as Steves spoon clattered into his bowl.

„We-“, you wanted to explain yourself, but there was nothing you could've said, to make this any better.

„Stop that.“, Steve mumbled towards Sam, „Some of us just want to eat in peace.“

„Look at his smug little face and tell me it doesn't piss you off!“, Sam dared him, glaring at Bucky, who was trying really hard, to act like he didn't know what Sam was talking about.

„It doesn't piss me off.“, Steve said straight up.

You glanced over at him for a moment, tried to make eye contact and thank him for having your back.

But when you saw the hurt in his eyes, you flinched. Where did that come from?

„Theres some left“, he motioned towards the pot on the stove, „If you want.“

„You made it?“, you asked, „I didn't know you can cook?“

„He's always been the domestic type, so he had to learn it at some point, no?“, Natasha joked, „Barnes on the other hand?“

„Yeah, I know, I can't cook. I have like three or four recipes I can make, and they're not that great. Who cares?“, he shrugged his shoulders.

„Well you should change that, now that you got a girl, whose gonna feed her if not you?“, Sam snickered, making Bucky frown as he looked over at you.

„I can take care of myself, thank you very much. I made the best pies in my whole neighborhood before I even turned eight. I won't starve.“

„Oh, damn. Well, then he's got lucky!“, Sam slapped Bucky on the shoulder, earning him an even deeper frown, „Maybe you get your 40s wife after all.“

„That is so incredibly insensitive of you“, Steve muttered.

„It's okay“, Bucky said.

„I was talking about her“, Steve gave you another look, less tense, „She's not someones houswife.“

„Honestly, I wouldn't mind taking care of him. I think he deserves to have some peace.“

„Disgusting“, Natasha stood up then, „You guys are being too cute, get that fixed before eating with us again."

You gave her a little 'sorry' as she walked away, leaving her dirty dishes on the table.

„She always does that.“, Sam shook his head, before taking them to the counter with his own.

„And you always clean up for her.“, Bucky called after him.

Now it was just you, Steve and Bucky again.

You didn't know if there was a problem with Steve, or if he just had a bad day, but he felt off. He definitely acted strange towards you.

But you didn't know, if it was your place to talk to him, even though it worried you.

„Well, I'll take some of it“, Bucky got up to fill himself a bowl of the stew, while you sat back and watched Steve.

And with every passing second, that you inspected him, he turned his head a little further from you.

„Is everything alright?“, you finally asked.

„Why?“

„You seem upset“, you said softly, „Did I do something wrong? Were we-“, you cleared your throat, „Were we too loud?“

His eyes snapped back to you, „What?“

„Our rooms are directly next to eachother...I just-“, you shut your mouth at his mortified expression.

Bucky set a bowl down infront of you, not realizing the conversation had escalated, „Here. I didn't make it myself though, hope that still counts as feeding you.“

„Thanks.“, you mumbled, trying to ignore the shame that started to burn in your face.

„Enjoy your meal, I'll be off.“, Steve all but jumped out of his chair, before storming out of the kitchen.

„Did you scare him off? What did you do?“, Bucky asked, taking the opportunity, to sit right next to you again.

„I don't know, really.“

Bucky hummed at that, giving your thigh a small comforting squeeze, „Don't worry about it, if he was actually mad, we would already know it.“

After a while of nothing but silence, he spoke up again, „I'm sorry, that I'm not as good at taking care of myself. I know we come from diffirent times basically, but it just came to me, that there are so many things I never learned.“

„Why are you sorry for that?“

„I don't ever want you to feel responsible for me.“, he frowned.

„Sorry to tell you, but it's a little too late for that. Also, I love taking care of others. Or at least I'm getting that back, now that life feels normal again.“, your hand sneaked into his, which was resting on the table, „If nothing would've ever happened and you'd have lived your life back then, you'd probably have a house, a wife, some kids, a dog- all of that. But you didn't get the chance...“

„What exactly are you implying?“, he made it sound like teasing, but there was some sadness flickering in his eyes.

„I think I just wanted to say, you deserve do live your dream, but I didn't think about my role in all of that, to be honest.“, you sighed closing your eyes at the stupidity of your words, „ Just forget about it.“

„I'm more of a cat person.“, he snickered, „I don't need to have the same life, I wanted back then, you know? I'm not the same person anymore.“

„You're right, I'm sorry“

„Don't be. It's cute that you think about making my life better, but I can promise you, that's already the case“, he kissed your temple, „Eat up, you need the energy.“

Your smile faltered, when you realized, what his last words were meant to imply.

He just had to remind you...

Chapter Text

„Holiday is over. You had your break, time to work again.“, Tony said, as he rushed into the conference room, „First, I have an announcment. Pepper and I have finally settled on a date for our wedding, but we won't invite any of you, just to be clear. Even though we would appreciate your gifts. Next: We got things to do. A new lead to Heyne, SHIELD found some hints about experiments outside of Hydra facilities. Theres a bunch of people missing and those that were found, had all been showing the same symptoms- at least those who were still alive. SHIELD has taken the remaining people in, but so far it's clear, that they had been injected with one of those life forms.“

„Where?“, you asked him.

„Heyne or the people, you gotta be a bit more specific.“

„Both.“

„Well to be fair, no one has found him, but all that's left of this project, has definetely vanished with him. Informants claim, that his own people are after him now. He must've fucked up pretty bad, whatever he's doing is without any of Hydra's help.“

„So he stole the organisms from Hydra?“, Steve asked.

„What's left of them. The victims have been found in various citys across a few states. He's on the run, but according to the pattern he travels in, he's getting closer to New York.“, he showed an image of one of the deceased subjects, „And apparently he doesn't really care about the requirements for the experiment to work any more, which is concerning.“

Their eyes were bloodshot, black trails had formed in every visible opening, even their ears. Some limbs were twisted, patches of skin clawed open- ripped apart by nails and teeth.

„That's horrible“, Wanda stared at the image with wide eyes, „We have to stop him, if he's all that's left of the project, we only have to find him and end this madness.“

„I agree, that's what were trying to achieve. Some agents been after him for a while. They have a clue for his current location, but everytime someone had gotten too close to him, he had been gone already. So we need another strategy. And by strategy, I mean more power. Y/N, Wanda“, he pointed at you both, „You and Rogers are getting sent out, to help at the new location. The agents on-site will tell you, what you'll have to do exactly. But the plan is, to settle this once and for all, so be careful and listen to them. They know more about the situation, than we do.“

You both nodded.

„Wait, why only them, what about the rest of the team?“, Bucky asked him, tone suspicious, before his concerned eyes landed on you.

„Barnes, your honeymoon is over, you have another mission with Agent Romanoff. Which brings me to my next point: There are some people running loose with a Devora inside their body, that is clearly trying to let the world pay, for as long as their host is able to fight. They need to be found. Things have gotten a lot worse in the last two weeks, I didn't even know of any of this, before Fury called me last night. And things have to be dire, if Nick Fury uses the word 'Please'...“

„Why didn't he tell us earlier?“, Clint asked.

„Because they didn't know it was just Heyne until a few days ago...apparently he made an appearance in a town, that he once resided in. Back in the beginning of his career, if you can call it that. That's how they found out. He's either getting careless, or bored. Why else would you just randomly visit your old family home on the run from an ass full of agents?“

„Does he have anyone to protect? Is he hiding someone, maybe his family?“, Sam cocked his head to the side.

You shook your head at him, „Heyne doesn't have any family left.“

„I want to go with them.“, Bucky glared at Tony.

„Was I not clear enough? You have a diffirent job, I already gave them Rogers, even though I think they could handle it by themselves. Leave your testosterone somewhere else, this is work, not a date.“

Bucky looked like he wanted to jump at Tony, while Sam tried to get him to calm down.

You weren't sure, why he needed to come with you, he knew you were strong enough to take care of Heyne, or whoever would wait for them in that location.

„We could change positions. I can go with Nat.“, Steve told them.

Bucky relaxed for a moment, before Tony started talking again, „I'm not debating this with you guys. This isn't my order.“

„Whose is it then?“, Bucky snapped, as he stood up, „To me it looks like you're doing this on purpose.“

Tony stepped up to him, „I would love to say yes to that. I don't really care for your little affair, Barnes, but Fury does, apparently. So sit down!“

Fury?

„He knows about them? Why?“, Steve asked.

„I don't know. Ask him yourself.“, Tony didn't look at Cap, just stared Bucky down, who lowered himself back onto his chair, without breaking eye contact.

„Why does he even care in the first place?“, you wondered out loud.

That didn't even make sense, there was no rule, that forbid agents to date eachother or anything.

Tony sighed, before he turned to you, „Sorry to tell you this Solros, but you nearly died, trying to save him. The director doesn't want to risk anymore of this mission. And it definetely shows, that your emotions are still all over the place. You need a neutral environment to do your job.“

Huh?

„What the hell?“, you crossed your arms in front of your chest, „So trying to save my teammate is considered too emotional?“

„In his eyes, yes.“

„That's ridicilous“, Wanda said, „All of us would do that.“

„Tell that to him, I just don't really care at this point. We are so close to finish this job, I don't want to start a fight with him.“

Bucky looked at you, his eyes were so full of sorrow. Something you hadn't seen in a while. It immediately twisted your stomach to see him so upset, but there was nothing you could do about it, if it wasFury, who was giving these orders.

„Get ready, tomorrow morning we're sending everyone out. Sam, Clint- you're with me, we'll leave tonight, we have somewhere else to be“

He left.

You just assumed that you could get any other informations through Friday, if he wasn't too keen on staying with the team. The peace and quiet of the last few weeks was definetely over.

Bucky was waiting at the door and immediately took your hand, when you made your way out of the room. You knew it helped him. That touch was one of the things, that could immediately calm his nerves, when his head was wandering too far. And that was the case right now, you saw it in his eyes.

„I don't get it.“, he gritted out, „Why would they keep me away from you?“

„Maybe your reaction right now is also a reason for it?“, Wanda said, as she walked by, „You wouldn't keep a clear head. If you only think about her on the mission, then you're no help.“

„I can protect her and still get the job done.“

„Maybe...maybe not. There hasn't been a way to proof that yet, so I get why they don't want to test their luck.“, you were trying to sound as understanding as possible.

But you could immediately tell, that he felt betrayed by those words , „I thought you trusted me...“

„Of course I do. I'm just trying to see it from their perspective. Could rather be me, who's the problem. I risked my own life on our last mission, so Fury-“, you stopped, when you realized, that there were still people listening, „Let's talk about this somewhere else, okay?“

It was the first time you came to his room, you had never been in here before. And since Bucky had already told you, that he wasn't interested in decorating or changing anything up, you weren't expecting much of it, to be honest. He definetely wasn't like you, who had been hating the interior of your own room with a burning passion from the very start.

It was plain, still filled with the standard furnishing and even the grey bedding, which you eyed with disgust for a second. The room wasn't as neat, as you had imagined, the bed wasn't made and there were a lot of his things just strewn around the space. You saw the Vinyls you got him right by the record player. There were a few more, that you didn't recognize, which laid out next to it. Probably his own collection.

„I didn't mean, to put you down.“, you already started, when he closed the door behind you, „I just know, how Fury must have seen the situation.“

„They think I wouldn't be able to protect you...“

„You don't have to protect me, that's the problem. You're supposed to do your work, supposed to get stuff done, without worrying about me. You're showing me the exact opposite right now.“

„I already told you, I could do both easily.“

„You don't know that.“, you sat on the bed with a sigh, „If something happens to one of us, something that no one could have seen coming, we'd both be completely useless. At least I would be.“

He thought about that for a moment, before he followed to sit down next to you.

„After what happened last time... I just can't get over it, I think. I was right there, and I still couldn't do anything. You could've died that day, if your little friend wouldn't be with you.“

„I know...and I'm sorry, Bucky. I just don't think we would earn their trust, by rebelling against their orders. Don't let it get to you. Nothing will happen, we can both take care of ourselves.“, you scooted a little closer to him, a hand resting on his forearm, while your head leaned against his shoulder.

You felt his stiff body relax under your touch, before he took a deep breath, „I just think, not being with you, will be worse for my concentration.“

„We'll see. Let's just get this mission over with. And I'll talk to Fury as soon as possible.“

„Why? You think you can convince him? Didn't know you both were so close. “

„He doesn't know how much I changed...He still thinks that I don't care what happens to me, that I don't care about coming out alive, when I go on a mission, or when I fight Hydra.“, you mumbled.

You had been on standby for years, after escaping them.

Everything you've done had been for revenge, but the only thing keeping you alive since then had been the Devora, because it protected you.

And Fury always knew, from the very first time you had invaded Hydra behind their backs. Going somewhere that dangerous all by yourself was never a sign of strength. It was reckless.

„Do you care now?“, there was a strange sadness in his voice, as if he wasn't sure you were telling him the truth.

„I care about my life, and I care about my future. I've stopped living for the wrong things, you know that.“, you trusted your warmth and your touch to be enough to convince him, that you took it serious.

„Right...“, he looked down at your hand, still somehow deep in thought.

Something was definitely still going on in his head, but you weren't sure what. If it was your place to ask, or if he just needed some space...

„Do you want to rest a bit? We gotta get up early tomorrow-“, when you moved, to get up from the bed, he grabbed your arm in panic.

„Don't leave yet.“

„Okay, I'm sorry I- I can stay for a bit, but I also have to get my stuff ready. You could use some sleep, I could tell, how tired you were the last few days. “, you gnawed at your lip for a moment, „Or I can stay for the night, if you want that.“

He had never slept with you yet, never stayed overnight or even took a nap in your presence. The conflict in his eyes spoke for him, told you, that he was very much concerned about it.

„I don't know if it's a good Idea...“, he said hesitantly.

„Alright, no pressure.“, you gave him an apologetic smile, „I'll just come back for a bit, after I'm done packing everything up for tomorrow.“

Even though he gave you a short nod, he wasn't able to look you in the eyes.

It hadn't taken long, to stuff all your things into some backpack and get into something more casual, before going back up to him. You already stopped caring about what you wore infront of him, since it usually didn't take long, before your clothes were gone anyways, but he wasn't feeling well tonight. So you made sure, that you looked the part of a supporting, loving person. With a soft sweater, that he could burry into, if needed. You weren't overthinking it, definetely not.

Bucky sat in the exact same position you had left him in, when you opened the door.

„Did you get everything ready?“, you searched for a bag or a backpack in the room.

„I always have a bag ready. All I have to do is to get into my gear tomorrow.“

„Oh“, you just said, „You're always prepared then?“

„Just in case.“

There was a pinch in your heart. A distant ache, that seeped into you, with the knowledge, that he was always ready for the worst case. He had to live with this stress every day of his life. Had so much to fear, so much to worry about...and still didn't share this burden with anyone. Not even you.

„Don't look at me like that.“, he grumbled, before standing up to walk over to you.

„Like what?“, you snapped out of your thoughts.

„Don't pity me, please. Not you.“, he was so close, that his scent was waking up each of your senses.

„I didn't mean to...“, you wanted to avert your eyes, his stern gaze was enough to make you feel small for a moment, but he simply lifted your chin back up, to make you look at him.

„I'm not weak.“

„I know.“

The quiet between you two was intense for a moment. There wasn't much to read from his expression, almost as if he had wiped it all off, to not let you see. Nothing but your slowly rising heartbeat in your ears, while you watched him.

The kiss that followed was much softer, than one would've thought.

It was gentle, reassuring. More for himself, than for you. No words were needed, if he just put his feelings into this kiss. He didn't need to open up, if he could just let you swallow his worries for him like this.

„I'm fine.“, he said, when he leaned back, „Don't think too much. I know you do.“

You wanted to deny it, but really, you were thinking a lot about him. About his reasons to hide from you and why he never let you help much. You wanted to be more, than just the one receiving the care. You wanted to be the one, to hold his heart in your hands, when it was to heavy to carry alone.

But you didn't say that. You didn't let your insecurity ruin this moment for him, you didn't want to force him into relying on you. Even if you were so sure, that you could help.

So instead, you let him guide you towards the bed to lay down.

He was careful, you didn't think, he could even get any more careful, than he usually already was, but oh well.

And it had been the right choice, to wear something so soft. He was already snuggling into you, before you had been able to adjust your position. It was such a drastic change, to see him let go in this setting, when he had just been guarding himself from you like it was a sport.

You were talking for a while, mostly you, while he gave you some grunts of affirmation or quick, short answers, if it was needed- too occupied with feeling you. All of you, everyhwere. But it didn't feel sexual. There was no tension, like all the other times, when you'd be bursting with desire, from a single glance at him. It was just...fond. To memorize your.

„It's already midnight“, you whispered, after some time.

His hand had snuck under your sweater and drifted over your skin in almost lazy circles.

„Just a little longer“, he rasped, voice ridden with sleep.

You were smiling to yourself, when he curled a little more around you, as if he wanted to make sure, you wouldn't be able to leave.

„I should really go now, if you want to get atleast a few hours of sleep.“

„I don't want you to go.“, he sighed, eyes shut, „I can handle being tired for a while, but I can't handle the thought of being away from you...“

If you weren't already so secured in his arms, you would've latched onto him by now. It was rare, to hear him talk like this.

„I can stay...but I can't promise, I won't fall asleep if you keep doing that.“, you pointed at his hand on your hip.

„Stay. Sleep. Whatever, just don't leave me.“, his voice was weak, as if he was already drifting off.

Maybe he felt safe enough with you here. Maybe the things he was keeping away from you, whenever he left for the night, weren't a problem after all. Maybe he only needed you.

You didn't leave, when his movement stilled, didn't leave, when his breath was slowing down.

It was almost better, than him opening up about his fear.

The meadow was sunny again. As it had been for a few times now. There were all kinds of flowers blossoming around you, the long grass tickling against the tips of your fingers, when you waded through it.

It wasn't as warm as it looked, there was a strange cold clinging to your skin, but you didn't care.

He was always waiting in the same spot now, a few daisies in hand, which he held out to you. Proud like a toddler, that had just finished picking them.

„Those aren't wild daisys“, you said as you stood before him, „Were did you get them?“

„Is that important? They're still for you, no matter where they're from.“, he laughed, eyes crinkling at the corners.

„Well, thank you.“, you gave him a smile, when he handed them over.

„I wish I could always bring you flowers.“, one of his hands ran through his short hair, ruffling it a little in the back.

„Why can't you?“, you started picking at the leafs, that were sticking out from the stem.

He shrugged his shoulders, „Sometimes there aren't any flowers. Some days the grass is shorter, sometimes it rains. There is always a reason why.“

You frowned at him, „Why does it even change?“

„You tell me. This is all you.“

He was right. It was just a dream. Nothing real. But the man infront of you was still so happy to see you, that it just didn't matter.

„Was it...ever night again? I can't remember...“, you mumbled.

„No. Never night, never again.“, he gave you a bittersweet smile, when he closed the rest of distance between you, while taking one of your hands into his and lifted it to his lips- kissed along your fingers. The sight woke a memory in you. He had never done this before, but someone else definitely had.

„I wish you would come every night.“

„I don't?“

„Not anymore.“

„But isn't that a good thing?“, you chuckled, but his eyes were suddenly empty, „James?“

'Y/N'

It wasn't his voice anymore, something about it felt wrong, something was off.

You let go of him, of the flowers in your hand, when sight withdrew from you. Darkness surounded you for a moment, just a distant sound rung through the space, when you realized, that this wasn't your dream anymore.

„Wake me up!“

The Devora was keeping you calm, but with every second that they held you here, you were trying to fight against them. What were they doing,why would they-

You jolted awake, a blood curdling scream was striking through the room.

Not yours.

Within a few seconds your brain could finally register, where you were. There was just a bit of light coming in from outisde the windows.

Still his room. But it felt colder. He wasn't laying with you anymore.

You turned over, saw him writhe from side to side, the pain in his features so eminent, that you could even see it in this darkness.

„James“, you were barely thinking, blinked against the numbness in your mind, while you reached for him.

Wait!

His eyes shot open, when you laid a hand on his chest, he was panting, sweat soaked through the t-shirt where you touched him. But you couldn't see him well enough, when you leaned a little closer, could barely make out the hectic turn of his head, before he shot up and pushed you off of him.

Down!

You probably wouldn't have been able, to react at all, if it weren't for the Devora, when his arm suddenly lashed out at you. His eyes were wide with panic, when you ducked away from his swing and immediately scrambled off the bed, without ever letting your eyes leave him.

He jumped right after you, clearly not in his right mind, so scared- so hurt from whatever he was seeing in you. His metal hand clasped onto your ankle with so much force, that you yelped, before he dragged you back towards him with ease.

„J-James, it's me!“, your voice was shaking, „Please-“

His chest was heaving, when he let go of your ankle and towered over you. A sight, that let some of your worst memories rise up and flood your system with fear.

„Bucky!“, your call was desperate, voice almost breaking, while you tried to crawl away again.

There was a recognition in his eyes, a short fleeting moment of clarity that washed over him, before he fell backwards. He braced himself against the floor and stared at you for a while.

„Y/N? Wh-“, he tried so hard to steady his breathing, panic was still holding his muscles tight.

„It's me, I'm sorry, I didn't know- I didn't want to scare you.“, you only now realized, that you were crying. The tears that ran over your cheeks pooled at your chin before dripping into your sweater. You moved, tried to get up, but almost caved in with the pain that shot through you, when you put pressure on your ankle. So you carefully crawled towards him, while your body was shaking from fighting it's own instincts to run.

But you couldn't run from him, he needed you.

„Oh god.“, he breathed, stared down at his hands, when reality started to catch up with him, „I didn't-“

„I know, it's okay, just look at me!“, you held up your trembling hands, wanted to show him that you weren't dangerous, „You're okay, you're safe now.“

His fragile mind was so overwhelmed. You could see, how hard it was for him to believe you.

„Please, everything is alright. You're in your room, it's safe here, I promise.“

„Go.“, he bit out, jaw tight.

„What?“

„You have to leave.“, he whispered, but his body was telling you the exact opposite of his demand.

He was watching you, but there was no hostility, no doubt in who you were anymore, just worry. His eyes were scanning you, checked you for any injuries, while he fought the side of him, that wanted to reach out for you.

So you stayed in your spot and waited with him for a while, for his breathing to calm down, for his panic to subside. Your heart was still racing in your chest, but the tears had finally stopped.

„Did I...hurt you?“, he asked, voice so airy, you nearly couldn't understand him.

„No“, you answered with no hesitation, „I'm okay.“

He was still so close to loosing himself again, he didn't need to know for now. And your body would heal, your ankle would stop hurting in no time, there was no reason to tell him.

You moved again, inched closer, slow and careful until you sat against the bed next to him.

„This is exactly why I never wanted to sleep in the same room as you...I don't know what came over me.“, he never let his eyes off you, but at least he was a lot more steady now. His thoughts seemed to have ordered enough to talk.

„It's my fault. I didn't realize what was happening fast enough. I shouldn't have touched-“

„Stop it. There is no way you can take the blame for this, you can't be serious.“, he snapped at you, but his breath got caught in his throat right after, „I can't do this. I can't be the one hurting you. I can't!“

No sentence formed in your head. Nothing to comfort him with words. Your own mind was starting to warp into a threat.

„Either you leave or I will-“, he stopped speaking, when you suddenly stood up.

And he almost seemed to start panicking again, when he saw you walk away. As if he didn't actually want you to go.

It was still dark, but now your eyes had gotten used to it a little, so you could easily find the sideboard where his record player stood.

You put on the first Vinyl you found and set the needle down, before a soft jazz tune filled the room. It was just background noise, quiet, something comforting, while you were too scared to say anything.

Your knees were weak, your legs shaking, when you got back into the bed and laid your head down on one of the pillows to watch him. It was so much more nerve-racking, than you wanted it to be.

But you pushed through, kept your mouth shut and held his gaze, to let him figure out, that you were truly okay. That you were fine and not scared of him. Not of him...

The mattress dipped, when he sat down next to you, a trembling hand resting on your leg, as if he had to check again, that you were real. His face was strained, his eyes were longing for you, but he was so scared.

Your mouth twitched, when you tried to give him a smile and patted onto the bed besides you.

It took every bit of selfcontrol to tend to him, to not let your own emotions and fear break through, as he laid down.

You held him, let your fingers stroke through his slightly damp hair, while he burried himself into your arms. And you were hoping, that he didn't realize, what you were doing, when you gently rested your fingertips against his temple, to let your energy flow into him. You knew, that he wouldn't want you to invade his thoughts, knew that he would hate you to play around with his mind, but you had to ease it. You barely even changed anything, only enough to let his head rest, to stop him from shaking and his body to fall back into calm. Until he was so relaxed, that his eyes closed.

Steady heartbeat.

Even breaths.

The second you knew, that he was asleep, you got up from the bed and left the room as quiet as possible.

Chapter Text

You didn't sleep again. Stayed awake until it was time to get ready, were barely holding on to whatever part you were trying to protect from the world. You knew what you were doing was going to hurt him even more. That if he woke up without you, he would remember, what had happened wasn't a dream.

He was going to blame himself, was going to worry, was going to tell himself all the worst things about who he really was.

But you couldn't go back. Not yet.

All you could've done in that moment was damage control, for that one little mistake you had made.

If you hadn't touched him, hadn't tried to wake him up in a panic, then maybe none of it would've happened.

But it did. And you couldn't stop the fear that it woke up inside of you.

So last night, after you had left, you had asked yourself what was going on with you, why your mind just couldn't calm down. But there was no answer to it, just your frantically beating heart.

Realistically you knew Bucky wouldn't hurt you, not on purpose. But this wasn't rational.

It will pass

„I know.“, you told them, but it didn't sound very sincere.

Maybe it would, you were hoping it would.

You shook your head and released a harsh breath. Your lungs were cramping at every move you made, as if your emotions were constricting them.

It will pass, Y/N

„You okay?“, Wanda asked, her voice carrying through the silence of the car.

„Yeah...“, you said it so quietly, that you had trouble believing it yourself.

She had been the first one to arrive, and had immediately sensed your tension.

You had already sent Steve a message that you were waiting, hoping he would hurry up and Wanda had simply walked you towards the car you'd be taking, to get you out of the complex. Just to be safe.

Even though you wanted nothing more, than to see him and tell him how sorry you were, but there was too much panic coursing through your nervous-system.

It's going to be okay, trust me

„Hey sorry, there was a little bit of a fight going on upstairs, I tried to come as fast as possible.“, Steve huffed as he got into the car and immediately started the motor and drove off, almost stressing to get away from the complex.

A glance into the rearview mirror told you, that he was aware something had happened between you and Bucky, but he didn't ask.

Maybe he didn't want to make things worse, but you could tell, that the situation had gotten to him already.

He was tense, his grip on the wheel was so tight, you weren't sure if it would be fine for him to drive.

But no one talked about any of it, no comments, no questions. You didn't even want to know if the fight had been because of Bucky, but it most certainly was.

Would he be fine?

Would he be able to work now that you had left him in such a miserable state?

Guilt was gnawing at your stomach, you felt sick from the constant worry and the lack of sleep.

Steve and Wanda made a bit of smalltalk here and there, talking about their take on the mission, what they were expecting. They didn't make you talk though, but Steves eyes were hovering over you every few minutes.

By the time you arrived at the outpost, the distance between you and the complex finally made it easier to breathe, you could actually concentrate on what was important in that moment.

„There is an abandoned building here“, one of the agents pointed at something on the map that was hung up infront of them, „We've gotten the hint of Heyne staying there, but since he always got away when anyone came too close, we had been holding back, we've stationed multiple people in a good distance around the building. There was no sign of anyone going in or out for exactly 27 hours now, we've been observing non-stop to make sure he can't escape as easily this time. But it's certainly hard when no one can get too close, there are a lot of open areas that we cannot observe from a distance.“

„If you got him closed in, why arent you giving those agents the order to access the building, if they're all around, there shouldn't be a problem to take him, he's just one man.“, Wanda told the agent that was currently rummaging through a folder with pictures.

„The problem isn't Heyne, it's the victims. If we close in, he let's them loose. They will rampage, get a hold of any person they find, while Heyne uses that chance to get himself out of there. We've lost about 28 agents in just a month, because of that. There is nothing we can do about them, if they get too close, their bodies will keep upright even after we took them out. Bullet straight to the head, and they launch themselves at you like a feral zombie.“, the agent scoffed, „I've never seen anything like it, they will bite and scratch and rip off whatever they can grab, until nothing is left. Not even themselves.“

„He's using the wrong organisms.“, you swallowed as you finally understood, „There was a record of early experiments where the Devora wasn't properly researched, when they were still trying to figure out, how to keep the host alive after injection. The rodents who were injected had to be burned, otherwise they wouldn't stop.“

„But they figured out, that the organism needs a similar lifespan to the host, before testing on humans, so why is he doing this?“, Steve asked, looking at the pictures the agent had spread on the table before them.

„Theres nothing else left..“, you said quietly, „They had already started using children in the last laboratory we destroyed...and I eliminated thousands of the Devora there. He must've used whatever is left of them, if he has taken some of the organisms, he must be breeding new ones for all these victims.“

„Did he expect anything to be diffirent with humans? He can't possibly believe in what he's doing?“, Wanda looked at you, as if you could tell her anything about it.

„He's being hunted down by both Hydra and SHIELD at this point...what is his reason to even keep going?“, the agent asked, also watching you.

Everyone expected you to have an answer to any of this, because to date, you were presumably the only person this experiment had worked on.

„He has to know that those people he's injecting won't make it. Maybe he's trying to protect himself with them?“, you wondered, before a soft whisper creeped into your head.

Dr. Aachen knew something. He told you, that Heyne messed it up.

„Maybe he's just trying to buy time...maybe this isn't actually to experiment on those people.“, you thought out loud, „What did those places look like, where have the victims been injected?“

„Just normal appartments, nothing crazy. He would leave some equipment behind from time to time, or just syringes and empty vials.“

„No protection against the hosts?“, you saw the agents eyes slowly widen at your question.

„No...“

„He's injecting them before he leaves. It's a literal distraction, he could never keep them contained for long after injection, and if he doesn't even have anything to protect himself, he's not experimenting. He let's them fuse when someone get's too close to him. He's found a way to actually use them as a weapon. Just not how Hydra had it planned.“, you nodded to yourself, as the others in the room all mumbled about how insane Heyne must've been, to even come up with that.

And you couldn't agree more.

This was not the work of a scientist anymore. Heyne had no more control over anything, he just fled, with no plan, it seemed.

„If we want to get him, we have to either find a way to prevent him from injecting anyone, or we have to trick him.“, Steve said, „We can deal with the hosts. Wanda alone might be able to take them out.“

„That's our last option, we still have to try to save those people.“, you said.

„Heyne is more important.“, another agent said.

You turned around to him, anger brewing in the pit of your stomach, „Those are people. They don't need to die. If we can still save them, then we need to try!“

He ducked his head from you, while you could feel the energy around you materialize.

It's been so long, since you had let your emotions take over your power and as soon as you realized what you were doing, you took a step back from everyone, to calm your nerves.

Breathe. We got this

„Y/N, we need you for this.“, Wanda grabbed your hand, her magic working it's way through your muscles into your brain, neutralizing all the bad things you were feeling in that moment with ease, „If you have to get something sorted out, before we go on, then do it now.“

You flinched at her harsh words, but she was right.

This was way to important, to let yourself get eaten up by whatever rested so heavy on your heart.

„Okay, let's prepare to head out in 20 minutes, I'll think of a plan, to get both Heyne and the victims out of there. Use that time for your...whatever the deal is with you and Bucky.“

Steve straight up called you out, reminding you of how mundane your feelings really were in comparison to this mission.

You nodded at him and stepped out of the room, to find a quiet corner with not too many agents running around.

There was a small chamber on the end of the apartment hallway, it was dark and dusty inside, but it was probably the best you could do.

The second you took your phone out, your heart sank to your fucking knees.

Bucky had called you over twenty times and sent you so many messages over the course of the last few hours.

And you had ignored it all- put it on silent the second you had gotten out of your room in the morning.

He must've felt awful.

All because of you.

You read the messages first, you weren't even sure if it was a good idea to call him now, or if they were already occupied by their mission.

'Where are you? Are you safe?'

'Can we talk? I'm so sorry, please I need to see you'

'Did you leave?'

'Y/N you can't do this, please don't do this to me'

'I never meant for this to happen, I was careless, I wasn't thinking right, I never wanted to hurt you'

'please'

All those messages had been sent before you'd even arrived at the scene.

You could practically feel the desperation in his writing.

'I will never touch you again, I promise I'll get better, I can handle this, I just need to know if you're okay'

'Just tell me if you're fine. I can't think about anything else'

'I can understand if you hate me. I just have to know you aren't hurt'

You had been holding back on the tears the whole night, had tried to not let it escalate any further to prevent a breakdown.

But you could never hold on for long. All you ever did now was cry. Cry like the weak girl you were deep inside, the girl that was never able to deal with any pain in her life, before it all came crashing down. The girl that was too sensitive for reality. That never developed emotional strength, and could only suppress her feelings, before they would get to her.

Never learned to really take care of them. And now they were all back. Suffocating you.

You're not weak, you have been through a lot. Being sensitive is a part of healing.

Your sight was blurred, you tried to blink it away- really didn't want to cry here, in the middle of a SHIELD outpost, surrounded by agents that were counting on you to do your job.

With shaking fingertips you hovered over the number on your screen, your chest felt so tight, your breath was stuck in your throat the entire time, you tried to convince yourself, this was the right thing to do.

'Just do it. Just do it. Just do it'

You pressed it, still holding your breath, when the call was picked up not even two seconds after. As if he had been waiting for it the whole time

„Y/N?“, his voice was shaking, he sounded hectic.

You couldn't say anything, the pressure that was growing in your lungs let you choke on your words.

„Y/N...“, he said again, soft and quiet. But there was so much pain in just your name alone, that your lips started to tremble with the urge to call out for him, to tell him, that it was fine, that you were okay , that you still loved him.

But all that came out of your mouth was a sob, your lungs were fighting you to breathe, you were choking on every single sound you made and sank down to the ground.

You tried to keep all the noise down, that your throat was making with every new try to speak.

And while you were just crying and crying into the phone, withouth getting a single word out, Bucky was silent. Only whispered your name one more time, so quiet that you nearly didn't hear it through the sobs, that were wrecking your body.

He just listened.

Endured it.

Thought he deserved worse.

It took minutes before your lungs were behaving normal again and stopped heaving with every breath you took.

You found your voice again, even if it was nothing but airy broken snippets of sound.

„B-bucky, I-“, you bit back on another sob before you could speak again, „I'm sorry for l-leaving. I should've talked to you. It's all my fault.“, the tears were still coming, your eyes were sore from you constantly rubbing them, even though that just wasn't helping.

„I'm sorry“, you said again, feeling the weight of your guilt in your heart with every second, „I'm sorry, I never...I'm-“

What did you even want to say? All that was coursing through your mind was more guilt, more apologies, but how would that fix anything?

Why did you call?

What did you want to tell to him?

You couldn't remember anything.

„I was so scared“, it was like a confession, a part of your mind cleared up from the fog that hung over you since this morning, „I was scared, just for a bit...but I didn't mean to- I didn't want to“, you exhaled shakily, „You didn't want to hurt me, I know that...“

You couldn't find any more words, to describe what you were feeling. There was such a hard conflict in your mind between truth and fear.

You had to bite your lips, to not start crying again, not let him hear any more of those horrible sounds.

„But I did.“, his voice cut through your trail of thoughts. It was so low and dangerously close to breaking.

You shouldn't lie to him. That's all you knew in that moment. If you would lie to him now, this would just get worse. He probably knew anyway, remembered it and just wasn't sure. Only needed you to confirm it.

„Yes“, your body felt weak, the tension of your little breakdown was slowly leaving you, „But I'm fine. I healed and-“

„How?“, he interrupted you immediately, „How can you say you're fine. I don't believe you.“

You were so shocked by how angry he sounded, that you had to blink a few times, to gather yourself.

You fought the urge to hang up on him, when his voice sent a shiver up your spine.

„Because I love you.“, you said, a lot more steady than you felt on the inside.

„Love me-“, his voice staggered, „How can you love me... how am I worth any of this? You would've been safer, without me ever coming back into your life. This is exactly what I was so scared of, that I would remind you of him.“

Anger was rising in you, blood rushing in your ears, when you wanted nothing, but to yell at him that he was a fucking idiot.

„You're not him.“

„For you I still am. Probably forever.“

„That's not true!“, something inside of you snapped. You might've been a little to loud in that moment, but all you could hear, was the blood rushing through your ears, „I made a mistake, I was the one who shoudl've known, I shouldn't have touched you, I should've left and not slept in your room, but I trusted you, that was why it was so scary, because I was stupid enough to think it would be diffirent. It's my fault, not yours.“

„What the fuck are you even saying?“, he pressed out, „I was the one attacking you, I fucking scared you, and then you stayed to console me, comfort me. Even though I was...dangerous.“

„You needed me“, you just said, „I had an irrational reaction. You should know what that's like.“

Why were you fighting with him? You just wanted to stop this, didn't want to hear him so upset.

„I'm still not good enough.“, he mumbled.

„Fuck you!“, you couldn't stop the words from breaking out, „Fuck you and your fucking self-pitty. No matter how many times I tell you, that you're worth it, you always start this shit. I can't hear it, I can't stand you putting yourself down all the time, I hate it. I hate, when you talk so bad about yourself. Talk so bad about the man I love like he's a vermin. It makes me so mad when you get insecure about all the things I love about you, when you can't see how far you've made it.“

You were talking yourself into a rage at this point.

„And I hate that I wasn't strong enough to be there for you last night, that I ran from my feelings again, instead of facing what really scared me. Which is that I might never be the person you actually need, no matter how much I try.“, your voice broke a little at your last words, shaking with anger.

You were ashamed, you were scared, and you were so mad at yourself, after you had been so sure you could handle it, could be there for him no matter what.

„I'm sorry“, it was him, who apologized, even though you were the one who had been insulting him.

As if any of this was his fault.

„I know it's hard for you...I know it doesn't matter if I tell you, that you're not responsible for me. That what I'm going through can't be healed, no matter how much you love me. I'm constantly letting you down, I'm constantly fucking up, even though I feel like you give me so much strength. I just want to protect you, even from myself. Especially from myself. So please don't say something like that. Don't say you're not enough for me. You are everything to me.“

A small whimper escaped you, and you had to hold your mouth closed to prevent any other sounds coming up again.

„We're always circling around the same problem. We rather hurt ourselves than others. But we both know, that were making it worse for those who care about us.“

There was a knock on the door you sat behind, before it was pulled open, light flooding in and revealing your crouched form to Steve.

He looked at you with wide eyes, „Y/N, uhm-“, he saw the phone in your hand, „Oh, shit. I'm so sorry.“

He wanted to close the door again, but you shoved your foot into the gap, „What is it?“, you asked him quietly.

„We're ready to head out, but you can take a few more minutes, I'll go get your things for you.“

„Okay“, you let him close it then.

The darkness felt dreadful.

„I didn't mean it, what I said...“, you mumbled into the silence of the call.

„You did. And you're right. About me at least.“

„I still shouldn't have said it like that.“, you sighed.

„I think that was the best way you could've told me. You want to be the one that saves me, but you can't, Y/N. And I don't want to loose you, because you think you're failing me. I said I will make this work, I have been keeping myself away from you one too many times, and even though last night was so terrifying, I cannot stop now. I have to try atleast, before giving up on myself. You're worth it.“

Had you really been trying to save him? You weren't sure why that felt so wrong all of a sudden. You knew that his problems- his trauma was nothing a single person could fix...or did you?

Did you actually believe that?

„Think about it, before we see eachother again. We can talk when we're both back. But you have to think about yourself for once, think about what's best for you, and not for us. Because I can never forgive myself, if I drag you down with me.“

„I just want to be there for you, the way you were for me, even before you really knew me.“, you said.

„You are.“

There was another pause.

„Okay“, you finally said, „I will think about it, before we get back. But please don't blame yourself for last night. I am not scared of you.“

He scoffed, „I really don't know if I can, Y/N...“, he took a deep breath, „But I'll try.“

„Thank you“

„I love you. No matter what happens. Even if I hate myself.“

It was such a bittersweet feeling, to hear him say it.

And it was this bitterness, that took you over. Your love couldn't save him. It was just the truth, but deep inside you, it still felt exactly the way he had said.

That you had failed him. Now that there was an actual name to that feeling, it stood out to you like a thorn.

He had seen this coming.

And maybe that's why you couldn't get yourself to say it, because the words felt wrong on your tongue in that moment, as if you didn't deserve to tell him, you loved him.

„Be safe...“, was all you could get out, before you hung up.

The moment you had entered the block around the abandoned building, everyone knew it was already too late.

Even though you had been careful, had stretched your power out to find him, he was already gone. As if he had known about this ambush, the second it had been decided.

„Theres a dispatch coming through about a car crossing the city like a tank, could be him.“

„I'll trace him down“, you heard Steve say, „He can't be too far, maybe we can still get him!“

A few agents gave their position through, to offer back-up for Captain America.

The rest stayed, ready to help you and Wanda with the hosts.

„Seven in total“, you gave through the comms, when you felt their writhing energy, „Three on the lower floor, they're coming out.“

You heard them before you even saw them. Their wretched cries, their screams and pleas, like dying animals waiting for mercy. A few of them ran out of the building, others threw themselves at the agents from the upper floors, crashing through the windows like they had no idea what to do with themselves.

They were dashing towards whoever was nearest.

Were going rampage on the agents, their sytems so overwhelmed by the organism, which had entered them, that they couldn't help but cave into it's instincts. Energy, hunger, violence.

It was so horrendeous. Seeing them attack whoever came too close like feral wolfs, biting into them, ripping chunks of flesh from still living humans, all while constantly being shot at.

Some of them had stopped screaming, the human part of them had probably died, but the devora was still raging withing their bodies.

Wanda tried to gather them all with her powers, was concentrating to keep each of them in her magics hold, as the few remaining agents tried to keep their distance, scrambling into safety after realizing it was too late to do anything. That it was like all the other times before.

„We can't kill them without fire!“, you yelled at her, looking over to the agents, hoping someone had thought about that before, „They have to be burned, nothing can be left of them!“

„You can kill them Y/N.“, Wanda called out, she had trouble to contain some of them, as they were feeding on Wandas powers, absorbing her magic like a sponge.

„Kill them? How?“, you knew how, but something inside of you was screaming at you not to do it.

This is too dangerous. I don't know what happens, if you take another Devoras energy.

„We have to try.“, you closed your eyes for a moment, searched for the patterns of their energy.

It was so wildly diffirent from those of the humans that they were possessing. So diffirent that you could clearly tell them apart.

They're not conected...

„Because they were never supposed to match...“

You realized what that meant, hope was blossoming forth inside of you, even the Devora was thrilled by that discovery.

„I can save them!“

You deciphered exactly where the Devora was, inched towards the crowded writhing pile held together by Wandas powers.

„Get back, Agent Solros!“, someone barked over the comms, „Keep your distance!“

You were too far into it, you had made a conection with some of them, there was no way you could stop now.

„Y/N!“, Wanda called out, „Hurry, they're getting stronger.“

You forced yourself into them and latched onto some of the Devora.

It was so weird, so unusual. So raw and underdeveloped.

They're not even a day old.

Your Devora felt them, a strange sadness was washing over you.

They don't even know what is happening to them...we have to help!

„Can we do that?“

I don't know

It was scared, it really didn't want to risk anything, not when both of your lifes were at stake.

But you tried again, to suck their energy out of them. Broke them apart, from their human host as best as you could, without damaging them any further.

They were so full, all of them had taken so much of Wandas unfailing powers.

So many feelings were suddenly crashing over you at once, you nearly lost your control and staggered in your stance.

You had most of them, but now they were starting to conect with you.

Stop!

You ignored it and simply took the very last of them into your hold, while the others were slowly and steadily rushing into your system.

„I can do it.“

They will kill you

„Then tell them not to.“

They were all so scared and angry. Confused. They wanted to fight you, wanted to tear you apart, searched for a reason, why this was happening to them.

„I got them!“, you called over to Wanda, before you closed your eyes again.

They can sense me

Burning. You were burning from within, hotter then ever. They set your skin on fire.

You groaned at the sensation, when they all entered you. They surrounding your mind like a hive, while they searched for one of their kind.

There was nothing you could do, after that, could just hope that your own Devora would convince them not to kill you.

Others were arriving at the scene now, the street had been closed off, cars stopped infront of the building and paramedics were rushing towards Heynes remaining victims.

You saw Wanda coming over to you, as you sank to your knees. Fire spread through your body. Heat was radiating around you. The scent of burning flesh. Your flesh.

It was hell, but you had to keep your focus.

Wanda tried to talk to you, waved some of the paramedics over. She really tried to help, but as soon as she stretched her hand out to you, she hissed, before retracting it again.

No one came any closer.

It took so long, every cell in your body was screaming for relief, while the hive was pushing into your mind, taking up so much space that it might even split your skull open.

It had to work, it had to work, it had to-

There was a crack. Not in your body, but in your mind. Something had burst. A wave of energy ran along through your veins, pulsing with live.

You gasped, as the adrenaline rushed to your head. You heart was beating so fast you thought you were going to die.

You bent over, to brace yourself against the asphalt. The ground beneath your fingers splintered from the energy that was flowing through you.

The last time you'd felt this way had been so long ago, you had completely forgotten how addicting it was, to absorb another beings life energy.

They found peace

You sighed and you let the huge amount of energy ebb away, gave it back into your surroundings as fast as possible.

Too much power was dangerous, you could easily loose control of it. That much you knew.

You did great, I'm proud of you. I'm sorry for your uniform though

Their praise really topped this all off, while you finally felt your skin heal, your temperature was dying down with every passing second.

„Oh my fucking god.“, you breathed out, before you got back to your feet, as if nothing ever happened and stretched your joints, „That was insane.“

Your grin baffled the other people around you. The confidence you felt was probably not neccessarily yours, but you took it as a good sign.

„What the hell happened to you?“, one of the agents asked, still a little wary to get too close.

You wanted to answer him at first, but were quickly reminded of the reason you even had to let them see something so horrendeous.

You spun around, searched the street for the people you had freed from the organism, but all you could see was the corpses of those who you couldn't have saved in time.

„Did they make it?“, you asked to no one specific.

„Most of them are getting transported to the nearest medical facility, but a some had been able to speak, maybe they will make it.“, the agent that gave you the briefing back in the outpost stood beside you and checked you real quick, „Whatever you did, it might have saved their lives.“

„I really hope so.“

This was good news, right?

It only worked because the host and the organism weren't made for eachother.

You were still glad that it worked at all.

Even against the massive number of people, that had fallen into Hydras hands and lost their lifes to the experiment, this was still better than nothing.

„Cap, status!“, the agent next to you barked into his earpiece.

Everyone waited for an answer. No one dared to move for those few moments.

„Heyne is gone.“, Steve was clearly annoyed.

„What happened?“, you asked and looked over at Wanda.

„Hydra cut us off. Even though they probably want him just as bad. They messed it up, attacked us and let him get away. We were so close...“

You felt your body stiffen, before there was an internal sigh at the realization.

He was going to continue this shit. They had to find him all over again. More people had to die because of him.

„I'll return to base with the remaining agents.“, Steve gave through the position where he had to fight against Hydra, so one of their teams could go and secure anything needed.

„Let's clean this place up, people“, the agent next to you clapped into his hands, acting like this was just another normal day for them.

Maybe it was. You have never worked in big SHIELD missions, usually just by yourself or in a small team. This was definetely more intense than that.

When you turned back to Wanda, you saw she had her phone in her hands.

„Are you taking a picture of me?“, you asked her with a frown.

„Look at yourself, I need to make sure the others get to see this.“

You let your eyes wander down over your body. Your clothes...

They had been so burned, that there were huge chunks just gone, the whole lower half of your left leg was completely freed, there was a patch at your stomach, reaching over to your right hip and even more smaller holes inbetween, everywhere, especially your arms.

The material of your holster had melted to the fabric of your uniform.

„Good thing I didn't take any weapons with me.“, you huffed, as you tried to look at whatever you could catch of your backside ro make sure, your ass wasn't out in the open, „Guess this fabric isn't heat resistant.“

„Or fire proof.“, Wanda still stared at you.

„Since we'll meet Captain Rogers at the outpost, it's my pleasure to take you ladies back with me.“, the agent grinned and winked at you.

Wanda made a face at that, and you had to keep yourself from laughing the whole way to the car.

This went better than I expected, the Devora wallowed themselves in praise.

What else was new.

When Steve arrived at the outpost, he gave you a quick once over, confused about what the hell had happened to your uniform.

„Guess she's too hot“, Wanda chuckled, before collecting all her stuff.

Steve looked after her, shaking his head a little, before he smiled at you, „Well it does look like you did your work well, agent Solros.“

All that energy still coursing through your system made you all giddy. You hoped it would leave, before you got back to the complex.

On the way there you and Wanda told him about everything that had happened. And then you explained to her in detail, what you had done with all the Devora. Steve was also listening in, even though he probably couldn't understand any of it.

But Wanda knew exactly what you meant with 'feelers' of energy, while Steve only had a confused look for your description.

He couldn't picture it at all.

„I sent Natasha the photo, by the way. I hope you don't mind. She asked for it“, Wanda mentioned.

„She didn't. Show me where she asked for it.“, you tried to get a glimpse of her screen.

„This is private“, she tried to hide her phone, but didn't manage to hold the chuckle, when she saw your semi-annoyed face.

„Who else did you send it too?“

„Just her. And Vision. And Tony.“

„Great“, you sighed.

As if it hadn't already been embarrassing enough, to be exposed infront of all those agents.

„The others are also on their way back now, they might be a little late, but they told us to not wait with dinner.“, Steve said,

„How nice of them“, Wanda quirked an eyebrow at him.

You were not even really hungry. Could barely picture eating anything at the moment, with every bit that you were getting closer to the complex.

Probably a normal reaction, considering the intense emotional turmoil that was going on inside you.

And now you were so pumped with energy, that there was not a single bad feeling or ache in your body.

So when the other two went directly into the kitchen, you made your way right back to your room, to take a long shower and changed into some normal clothes. Some that weren't seared and burned to bits.

Now you would need a new uniform. Like that was the most important thing to think of now, you scribbled something down into your notebook. You would have to ask Tony for help...he would know what to do.

And you were definitely not trying to procrastinate the whole thing with Bucky.

After all the stuff, that had happened today, you wanted nothing more, than to have him here with you. To tell him about your accomplishments.

But there might not be any space for that kind of intimacy tonight.

After all you did today, you're scared about a bit of relationship drama?

„Figured, that you wouldn't understand it.“, you rolled your eyes at them.

What can I say, your emotions are so simple sometimes. You're stressed about the tiniest things.

„Right, like you don't flip at any minor inconvenience.“

They didn't answer that.

There was a quiet knock on your door, which made you look up from the journal, where you had been collecting all your throughts for the last hour or so.

„It's open“, you called out.

Steve came in, a slight frown on his features, „You didn't eat anything“

„I'm not hungry“, you shrugged, „At least I don't have an appetite at the moment, I have too much energy left from todays mission.“

„Oh, okay. Well, maybe you should still eat, you didn't have anything all day.“

You didn't want to tell him, that you had also skipped breakfast.

„I'm fine“, you waved it off.

„Are you?“, his eyes were skeptical, „Did you forget, I saw you in that tiny closet?“

Shit. You had actually forgotten about that.

„What happened between you two?“, he closed the door behind him, and slowly moved to sit on the edge of the bed.

„You don't have to worry, it's alright. I'm sure he wouldn't want me to tell anyone about it anyway.“

„I wouldn't be so sure about that. I know a few things, we had a discussion before we left. It was a little heated“, he looked down at the sheets that Bucky had gifted you let his fingers brush over it, „You're so important to him. And he was convinced you would leave him for good this morning. That's why I think it's not alright.“

Your eyes widened, „He thought I would break up with him?“

„No. Rather that you would leave all of us. That whatever he did, was too severe, to ever see him again.“

The pit in your stomach opened back up and every last good feeling you had out of your bones, when you realized, just how much he must've been hurting in those hours, when you hadn't talked to him.

„What else did he tell you?“, you asked carefully, unsure if you really wanted to hear it. If your heart could bear it.

„He didn't say much about what happened, but he was really stressed, especially after he couldn't find you anywhere. I don't like when he gets so anxious, to be honest. It hurts, to see him like that, but whatever I tried to tell him, he just didn't listen.“, he sighed, „And then I got your message. I told him that you were okay, why else would you want me to hurry, and he completely lost it then. Why would you text me, while completely ignoring him? Said that you were avoiding him. He wanted to take my phone and call you with it, but I didn't let him. I thought you'd have your reasons. He got angry. And I knew that there was no way for me to get through to him like that, so I just told him, I'd be getting you to come upstairs, but I left with you and Wanda after that.“

You stared at him, „So he was completely alone here?“

„Nat was still here. And it's not like I wanted to do that, but the chance of him loosing it and then getting to you were also risk-“

„He's not dangerous, Steve“, you snapped, suddenly remembering what you had talked about earlier, how he believed that he still wasn't good enough, „I already left him here, and then the only other person that he can rely on also leaves him alone, oh god.“

You burried your face in your hands, at the image of him so lost and alone. So betrayed.

„He usually works it out with himself. He doesn't confine in me all that much.“, Steve looked at you with a sad smile, „I wish he would, but I guess I'm not what he needs anymore.“

„Yes, he needs you. He needs us!“, you got up from the bed, pacing up and down the room, while you tried to calm the rising anger at Steve- at yourself.

„Y/N, you have to trust me, he doesn't always need a deep talk. A lot of his feelings are so out of reach for us. The way he suffered makes him unstable, maybe for life. But he has learned what he can and can't control.“

„He attacked me!“, you cried out in absolute disbelief, „He had a nightmare and I was too close, he hurt me, before he came back to his senses, and then I left him there- left him here, because I thought I had failed him. Because I'm a fucking coward!“, the tears were welling up in your eyes again, „I fucking hate this, why am I always fucking crying?“

You frantically rubbed your palms over your face, as if more pressure would stop the tears.

„Hey“, Steves hands took yours, to hold them away from your face, „It's okay, theres no need to be ashamed.“

„I'm not ashamed, I'm furious!“, you hissed, when the first tears were trailing down your cheeks, „How can I ever be enough for him...?“

Steve looked at you as if you were crazy, „Do you even know, how much you changed him? Half a year ago he didn't even eat with us except for breakfast. Now we see him all day, if we're in the complex, he's always trying to improve, always trying to get better- feel better. And you had such a big part in his develpoment. Even if it was just his guilt in the beginning, at some point he really enjoyed it, enjoyed spending time with people again, enjoyed food, enjoyed life.“, he shook his head at you, „You can't possibly think, that you're not enough, how can you not see it?“

„I'm sorry“, you just whispered, unable to form any more thoughts after what he just told you.

Hard to believe, yes. Hard to believe that you could change a man that was hurting so deeply in any way possible, while you couldn't even help yourself.

His eyes softened, „That he attacked you must've been scary.“

„Yes, but it was much scarier that I was so helpless. That I couldn't do shit in that moment.“, you sniffled, „He needs someone stronger than me.“

He hugged you then, which let stop dead in your movements, all the words, all the self-loathing vanished out of your head in shock.

„You're a very strong person, Y/N. Not sure why you have so much trouble believing in yourself. I never took you for someone so self-concious.“

„Came with all the trauma, I think“, you said, with your face in his shirt.

He held you tightly, maybe he thought you would push him away otherwise.

None of you heard the door open, you just silently cried into his shirt for a moment, the pressure of his arms was definitely calming you down for some reason.

„Steve...“

You both froze.

Bucky stood at the door, face blank and eyes wide.

Steve let go of you and looked up at him, „Hey, Buddy. You're back already.“

„What are you doing?“, he looked over to you and swallowed, when he saw the tears on your face, „Are you hurt?“

He looked between you two, frowning while he assesed the situation.

„She's okay.“

„I didn't ask you.“, his jaw twitched, when Steve answered for you.

„I think I'll leave now.“, he nodded at you, but you were still too confused to say anything back.

Bucky glared at him, as he walked past and closed the door behind him.

You had been nervous before, but now that he was actually standing there, you were really loosing your shit.

He inspected you thoroughly, without moving from his spot at the door.

„Natasha showed me a picture of your burned uniform.“

Of course.

„I'm fine, I heal fast, remember? I don't know why she had to show you anyway.“

„She thought it was funny, I guess. But I was worried you-“, he broke the sentence off, when he saw you cross your arms and licked his lips nervously, „I don't want to be all up in your business. I get you might not want to talk to me right now but...I just needed to see, that you were really fine.“

He was waiting for you to send him out, for you to tell him to fuck off or whatever else he imagined.

„I thought about it.“, you said instead and quietly gathered all your thoughts, before you kept talking, „You weren't wrong. About me thinking I failed you, I mean. But it's not easy, to be in a relationship. Ever. No matter if you're with someone who has a lot of problems or not. This stuff just happens.“

„But not like this. You shouldn't feel like that. At all. It's not normal.“

„I think talking about what's normal or not is not the best conversation for us. What happened to you last night could happen to me as well, if I ever loose control of my body. If I ever have a nightmare or a flashback. There is a high chance for that. And I get how hard it is to forgive yourself, because I had to do that so much, everytime I killed someone, everytime I hurt someone under control of this thing in my head. It feels bad, but you can't change it.“

„I'm trying to prevent it, not forgive myself for anything. I can't let you get that close.“, he shook his head frantically, „I will never hurt you again. I won't risk it.“

„Yeah, you won't. Because I know how to handle you from now on“, you stemmed your hands into your hips.

„No. I won't let you.“, he said with a stern look on his face. But it just spurred you on.

„What do you think, how I got you back to sleep, last night? After you finally snapped out of it. You think you calmed down by yourself? I was letting your body relax, I did that! My power helped you. Do you not trust me anymore?“

That question took him so offguard, that he had to blink at you a few times, before he could answer, „What? Of course-“

„Then let me show you, that I can deal with it!“

„Y/N, stop.“

„No, I can help you.“

„Stop being so stubborn, for once!“, he snapped.

His jaw ticked, when he closed his eyes, „I didn't mean to yell at you.“

„I know“, you said, completely unfazed and walked over to him, „I know you. I know myself, and I need you to understand, that I don't care about what happened, let it go.“

He was in utter disbelief, „Why don't you understand me?“

„I understand you. I just don't accept it. You think I'll be satisfied with never getting to sleep in the same bed as you?“

„Is it really that important to you?“, he just wanted this to stop, he looked at you with such sad eyes, that you nearly wanted to give in and end this argument.

„Yes, it is. I can't be alone anymore. I hate it, I hate when you're leaving for the night, hate sleeping by myself, hate not being with you. Just like today, even though I was so shaken up from what happened, I missed you the whole time“, you swallowed, „And whenever I close my eyes, there are things coming back to me...things I don't want to think about. I can't stay alone forever...“

He thought about your words and when he looked at you this time, there was no more sadness, no more irritation or anger or whatever, just longing.

„I could never forgive myself if anything happens to you because of me...you shouldn't have to protect yourself from me, you shoudln't-“, he stretched his hand out, reached for your fingers, „ You shouldn't be scared of me.“

„I'm not. I'm only scared of loosing you.“

He linked your fingers with his, a gesture which had always brought both of you so much comfort.

„If you need some more time, okay. I won't bother you. But if you say you won't ever sleep in the same bed as me, ever again... I can't accept that, not when we've not even given it a real chance. There is so many things we can still try to help with your nightmares.“

He straigthened out his back, when you took a whole step towards him, he looked so exhausted for a moment. You let go of him, only to let your hands cup his face. His tight jaw relaxed a little at your touch.

„Give me another chance, please.“

„You're not the problem...“, he took your hands away from his face, „I just want you to say it once, agree with me that it was my fault. Because I can't trust you to make any sane decisions, if you really think you were the problem.“

„Your nightmares are the problem, not you. Not me. But we are the ones that can work on it.“, you let your hands fall back to your sides then, defeated.

„That's better at least...“, he took a deep breath, „I can't make a promise. But I won't tell you, that we will never be able, to sleep in the same bed together.“

„Okay“, you nodded and wanted to step away, to give him back his own space, but his hands were around your waist the next second, to hold you in place.

„Thank you, for being so incredibly forgiving. And for your patience with me.“, he glanced at your lips for a second before looking back up into your eyes.

You raised your eyebrows at him, „You're the one that's patient. Just like you said, I'm stubborn.“

There was a soft smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

He really wanted to kiss you. But he was waiting for you to initiate, was waiting for you to allow it.

But right when you decided, that you both had been patient enough throughout the day and leaned up to him, your stomach decided to crash your little moment.

Great, now you were ready to eat.

He chuckled, as you sighed.

„Hungry again?“, he asked.

„I haven't eaten yet. Don't say anything, I just didn't feel like it until now. Maybe I was too stressed.“

His face fell, „You haven't eaten at all? When was your last meal?“

„Remember the grilled cheese I made for us last night?“

„You're joking“, he looked outright mad at that, „Alright, come on.“

He tugged you with him, out of the room and the whole way into the kitchen.

„Sit, or whatever, I'll make something for you. Jesus, Y/N, that's over 24 hours with no food. And I thought you could take care of yourself.“

„I can take care of myself! And I was going to eat something anyways, Steve already got mad at me for it so-“

He whirled around, „Steve?“, he just seemed to remember the situation from before „Oh right. What did he even want from you?“

The tension returned to him and he rolled out his neck and shoulders, before he looked back into the fridge.

„He asked me about you. What happened. He found me in the closet when we were on the phone, so I guess it's understandable, that he wanted to know.“

He stopped in his movements, „You called me from a closet?“

„I knew it was going to be emotional for me, so I didn't want anyone on-site to see me. Pretty sure everyone could hear me cry like a baby though.“

„I hope I never have to hear that again“, he muttered and shook his head, when he took something out of the fridge.

„Sorry, I ugly-cry all the time, even when I think I'm calm and collected, that's out the window from one second to another.“, you laughed nervously.

„No, you don't have to apologize for it. Hearing you like that just- it broke my heart.“

„I'm-“

„Don't say sorry again, I warn you.“, he closed the door of the fridge, „And just stop apologizing for your feelings in general. I'm begging. I don't care how irrational or excited or sensitive you are. Just be yourself. That's exactly how I like you.“, he put something on the counter next to the stove, before turning back around to you, leaning himself back against the counter and crossed his arms, „Your feelings are never too much for me, I can handle it.“

„Sor-“, you caught the apology this time and shut your mouth, as he raised an eyebrow at you.

You tried to take over for him then- whatever he was doing anyway. But he stopped you.

„And what's your mission now?“

„I can cook for myself. Don't want you to burn the kitchen down“, you wanted to walk around him, but he simply pulled you into him, two of his metal fingers linked into your belt. And then he leaned down so close, that you could feel his nose brushing against yours for a second.

Your breath hitched at the fast change in nature.

„Lil' Miss 'I-can-do-everything-on-my-own'. How 'bout you shut up and just let me do something for you, just this once?“

„I just- I don't need help, I'm capable!“

„Everyone knows how capable you are. And stubborn.“, he mumbled the last bit under his breath, but you didn't miss it. Again.

For some reason him being a little dominant and caring at the same time, did something weird to you.

He chuckled and leaned his forehead against yours, as his thumb started drawing little circles into your hip with his other hand, „Let me take care of you tonight, Darling. Let me make it up to you. Please.“

„Make it up to me? W-with food right?“, you stuttered out, while your skin began to feel a bit hot at the touch of his fingers.

You swallowed, when you realized just how long it had taken for you to fall for him again. Just after a full day of worrying about your whole future with him.

He leaned back, taken back by your confusion, „What else would would I be talking about?“

But there was glint in his eyes and the corners of his mouth twitched a little, when he realized why you were so nervous. As if he had to hold his grin.

I told you. Just a little drama, the Devora laughed at you, before retreating into the back of your mind.

You knew exactly what that meant.

And you tried turning away, tried to get out of this situation, before your knees would just give out because of this man.

But he didn't let you. He picked you up by the waist and sat you down on the island counter.

„Sit“, he warned, still a little smile on his lips.

Without listening to your complaints, he went over to the stove, got a pan out and started the heat while pouring some olive oil into it.

Then you saw that the thing he had put on the counter was meat.

Just ...meat?

„Steak?“, you chuckled, „This late?“

He just unpacked the slices and started salting them, before putting them into the pan.

„Why does the time matter?“, he asked without looking at you, „No one's awake. I heard Steve snore the moment I opened the door, and the others were all so tired, they immediately went to their rooms. So who cares if I'm making steak in the middle of the night?“

He walked over to the windowsill and took some of the fresh herbs from the pots you had placed for everyone to use. So he knew what he was doing after all?

„Is this one of those four things you can cook?“

He didn't answer your question, just added the thyme and rosemary to the pan.

„You like it raw, don't you?“, he glanced over his shoulder.

That look in his eyes.

You squeezed your thighs together, the movement not going unseen, as his eyes flickered down towards your lap.

Why was he so bold? Maybe he had figured you out, before you even gotten the chance to keep your calm.

„Actually, I might be the only person in this world who eats their steak well done...“

„Interesting...“

„Is it?“, you cocked an eyebrow at him, to play along, „I just dont wan't it to be all wet, you know?“

You saw his shoulders tense for a moment, but he didn't turn around.

Only when the steaks were done, perfectly cut and all, he came back over to place the plates down next to you.

„Wanna try? It's medium, so not wet.“, he made sure to draw that word out for you, while his eyes were scanning over your lips.

„Sure.“, you said quietly and closely watched his every move, when he grabbed a piece with his bare fingers, to hold it up to your mouth.

You let him place it between your teeth, the tender flesh still hot.

It was juicy, but not too much, just like he had told you.

You chewed on it, savored the taste, before you swallowed.

Now it was his turn to watch you. Very. Very closely.

„You're a creep..“, you squirmed at the feeling between your thighs.

„And here I was thinking how fond I am of you-“, he pushed himself into the space between your legs, your thighs parting for him automatically, „but it seems like im sending mixed signals.“

You could barely muster up a sentence, with the way his hand caressed your thighs, thumbs gently rubbing over the inner sides.

„Don't you want to eat?“, you asked breathless.

„Oh, I will don't worry.“, he said before going in for a long, messy kiss. Teeth and tongue, sucking and pulling whatever he could find.

You didn't even hold back the moan, that slipped right into the kiss. You had missed him so hard, there was no way you could control yourself, when he was going at it like this.

He was taking the lead for once...and it excited you to no end.

After prying himself away from your lips, he decided that your neck needed his undivided attention, kissed at your jaw before trailing his mouth all the way down to your collar bone.

Your breath quickened. The feeling of him groaning into your skin- his baritone vibrating through you, had you melting under his hands, „You tell me when to stop, Darling.“

„Don't you dare stop!“, your voice was wavering, a clear sign for him, that you were absolutely into it already.

Without a warning he pulled your hips forward, right up to the edge of the counter to meet his own.

You gasped, when you felt him. So fucking hard. Already?

All you wanted was to open those jeans, feel him, hear his breath hitch from your touch. But before you had even reached his belt, he snatched your hand away.

„No, Darling. I already told you, I'll take care of you.“

He let go of your hand and started undoing your belt instead, nearly ripping the jeans down, which let you jerk forward on the edge just a little more. You had to steady yourself on the counter behind you.

He groaned at the sight of your underwear, already a little soaked.

„Why are you always so wet for me?“, he teased you, but he felt his own breath stutter for a moment.

You just stared at him without saying anything, scared of the lewd sounds that might come out of your mouth.

He ripped your underwear right off, not a care in the world if you liked them or not. The tattered fabric fell to the ground, right on top of your pants.

You braced yourself further back on the counter, leaned onto your ellbows with anticipation, but you couldn't take your eyes off him, while he carefully put your legs over his shoulder, just enough leverage to perfectly angle you up towards him.

And without thinking twice, he pushed two metal fingers into you, making you gasp in shock.

The cold against your hot lips was something for sure. You bit back another moan, when you suddenly realized where you were.

This kitchen was an open space. Anyone could wander in at any moment.

But instead of that turning you off- like every other sane person, it thrilled you. Such a nasty thing to do, right were everyone could see you. Bucky didn't care either.

His only concern was to make you feel good. He wanted you to think about nothing but him, nothing but his name in your mind.

He was getting greedy. For the sounds you make, the way your mouth moved, the way you felt and...tasted. All the times he had gotten a close look at you down there, he had been wondering the same thing. Did it taste as good as it looked?

So when he pulled his fingers out, he immediately brought them up to his lips, made sure you saw how he was licking them clean.

„Mhm, just right. You outdid yourself, Sweetheart.“, he sighed.

You whimpered, a part of you was squirming in shame, but felt just as aroused.

„Bucky“, his name was rolling off your tongue so naturally.

It took him a short moment to decide. But there was no way, he would be missing out on this now.

So he kneeled down in front of you, locked his arms around your thighs and placed a kiss onto your lips, before his tongue ran up your folds, to stop right at the small bundle of nerves at the very top. He sucked on it, which made you gasp again.

He was trusting his muscle memory on this one. But in his mind he was already starting to collect all the moments, all your reactions, noted all those spots, that would let you come apart.

He couldn't stop himself, he just had to taste you, all over. Every inch, every drop of your essence was making him loose his mind.

He pressed himself in like a man starving, dipping his tongue into you while a thumb came up to massage your clit. His groaning sent waves of pleasure through you.

Your moans were picking up, when you felt that familiar pull on your insides.

What? You were already close, how the fuck-

He had barely done anything. You wanted to get more of this feeling, but it really was that good.

He had never eaten you out before, no one had ever really done that, at least not thoroughly.

But this?

„Ohh god“, you groaned.

You couldn't even tell if he was breathing, he was just so into you.

Your hips were bucking, when you got close to reaching your high, writhed around on the countertop, while the sluttiest moans known to man left your throat.

This was it. Nothing could ever be better, than this man eating you out like a five-coursel meal.

„Fuck- please, god!“, your hand was gripping the edge of the counter to your side, while your other hand held onto his hair, when the tension inside of you suddenly reached it's peak. It was burning, your nerves were so overwhelmed, that you were crying out with no shame.

„James!“, his name was dropping from your lips like a prayer. Again and again.

And as the pressure finally released it's iron grip on your insides, you were really trying not to fuck yourself on his tongue.

When all the excitement wore out, you were panting, legs shaking-

But he kept going, never stopped moving, not even when you flinched.

Your clit was now completely overstimulated. So much it nearly hurt.

„Buc-Bucky-“, you choked out.

„Yes, my love?“, he looked up at you with such a dazed expression. As if it took everything to even let go of you.

„I-I already came...“, you breathed out, as he kissed the inside of your thighs over and over, before he bit into it once, just enough to leave a small, crescent mark.

„I know“, was all he said before going right back to work.

You were writhing in his hands, mewling at his touch.

He would stop, if you told him to. He would let go, let you rest, let you come to your senses if you wanted that. But you didn't, you really didn't want him to stop.

His breath was right on your pussy, while your hand was still pulling on his hair, making him groan even louder, probably for the exact reason you suspected.

You were really trying not to squeeze him inbetween your thighs, didn't want to press his head into you even further, but with every passing second you lost more control over your body.

It hurt so good. You couldn't tell the diffirence between pain and pleasure anymore, both was fine.

He didn't give you a break whatsoever, just wanted to hear more of you- taste more of you. Whatever it was, it was so addicting that he couldn't stop. Not when your trembling hands were holding him down for dear life anyway. He wanted to hit those sweet spots. Moved his tongue with so much concentration, such force, he was scared it would get tired at some point. Even though, that wasn't possible. How long would he be able to do this? Probably for hours at least.

You cried out again, your next orgasm hit you even harder then the first one.

His fingers were tightly pressing into the soft flesh of your thighs, to keep you from moving around too much, when you arched into him.

The sounds you made hit him deep down. His erection was pressing into his jeans, straining against the fabric. He wanted you, he really did- but this wasn't about him.

He needed you to know that he would do anything for you. He wouldn't stop at anything, even if this was much more enjoyable, than whatever he would actually face for you.

After you were done- again, he came up to look at your disheveled form on the counter. Hair wildly splayed out everywhere, cheeks flushed, sweat clinging to your skin and chest heaving from trying to breathe. Completely fucked out. Well...not really.

„You alright?“, he asked and cleaned your juices off his mouth with his arm. But not without licking his lips clean as much as he could first. He knew you were embarrassed by it, which somehow only made it better.

You couldn't even give an answer, your brain short-circuted. All you did was nod at him.

„Christ, look at you. All messy and breathless. So beautiful.“, he whispered, eyes continuing to scan you over.

His comment had you avert your gaze, but he didn't let you off that easy.

You whimpered, when he pulled you up to his chest and locked you into his arms tightly.

„You're so pretty“, he said softly with such a heartwarming smile on his lips.

You felt like a slut with your pussy throbbing at his words. You were so done for.

Tears pricked at the corners of your eyes, you shivered just thinking about what he'd done to you. And you still wanted him, no matter how bad it hurt.

„Need more“, you pleaded, shaky fingers trying to undo his pants.

He looked at you, saw the lust in your eyes, your quivering lips-

There was no way you were serious, with your body trembling in his arms, with your still racing heart. He couldn't believe just how needy you were.

It turned him on even more, to see your desperation take over.

And he let you take what you wanted. Would never deny you, no matter how greedy you would get.

He decided to kiss you, when you pulled him out of his pants and started slowly stroking along the thick shaft. He moaned into your mouth, as you pressed onto his tip. Your shaking fingers were just helping the sensation carry all through his body.

„You feel so big“, you breathed out, wondering if he had always felt this heavy in your hand.

„God, Y/N“, he growled, the praise was catching him offguard „Stop playing with me, you already got me this hard.“

„Then do it“, you whsipered, eyes lingering on his mouth at the memory of what those lips had done to you already, „Fuck me!“

You were always sweet, always flustered, always warm. So it was almost exciting, to hear you talk so filthy.

He couldn't even comprehend just how fucking good it looked, when he aligned himself with you. How you were practically dripping all over him. He had no trouble to slip in, you were definetely more than ready.

You still hissed at the overstimulation since you were already turning sore.

All that pleasure was mixing with the discomfort.

He let you adjust for a few seconds. Waited with you, gave you sweet little kisses wherever he could reach, before he pulled out. Just far enough to feel you squeeze around him and thrusted right back in.

He didn't really try to go slow, the noises, your scent, your taste, how soft you felt- He was desperate. Your were right at the edge of the counter, ass nearly falling off. Kissed him again. Your lips were all over his face, your breath fanning over his neck, while you whispered his name.

„James- mhh, I need you deeper“, you purred.

He obliged, practicallly carried you in his hands to adjust the angle. He fucked you raw, just how you liked it- how he liked it. You had infected his mind with the thought and feeling of your bare walls around him.

It felt so good to have him filling you out like this, no matter how heavenly his tongue had felt, you'd always miss being full before anything else.

„I wanna-“, your breath hitched as a particularly hard thrust hit against your cervix, „wanna cum with you.“

„Trying my best, Sweetheart“, he was just as out of breath as you were, which was understandable, considering he was doing most of the work.

„Don't pull out. I want all your cum inside me, please“, your head was on his shoulder now, fists gripping into the shirt on his back. His scent was laying itself over your already clouded mind like a veil.

„I know, don't worry“, there was a low chuckle in his throat at your regular demand.

He was picking up the pace, started to chase after his own high now, mouth on your neck. He was sucking on your skin, almost growling like an animal, when he felt you clench around him. So close. So tight.

Your pleasured cries were now synchronizing with his thrusts. Were shaking so hard, that you were barely holding onto him. He was all that kept you upright.

Heat coiled up in your lower body, you couldn't hold back, not after already coming twice.

Your nails were scraping over his neck as you came so hard, you couldn't see anymore. There was nothing but him.

You sucked him even deeper, felt him tremble, before he finally filled you up. And you welcomed it, every single drop of his release. His movements faltered, his hips were stuttering a bit, until he slowly came to a halt, jaw tight. One of your hands was reaching for his hair again and it let him shiver even stronger, when your nails scraped over the nape of his neck.

He held you as close as possible, felt both your erratic heartbeats turn into one. Just for a while, as you were both coming down.

You gently held his face in your hands with a tired smile- tears of pleasure and pain were drying on your cheeks, when gave him a simple kiss. Soft and loving, nothing as wild and erotic as those from before. He leaned into you ever so slightly and completely revelled in your affection.

That's how you both stayed for a few minutes. Until your hearts had calmed and heads had stopped spinning.

He cleaned you both up as best as he could, before tugging everything back into his jeans.

You on the other hand... you looked so tired and blissed out, he couldn't imagine you making it anywhere without passing out.

Even though you had been buzzing with energy not even an hour ago. This little session had taken it all.

Your underwear was useless now and when he helped you into your jeans, you groaned from the friction it had on your bare, swollen skin.

He looked apologetic, „I'm sorry, I didn't really plan ahead, when I ripped those off.“

„'s okay“, you mumbled.

You registered the long forgotten plates next to you.

„Such a waste...“

„I'll make something else with it, right after I tuck you into bed.“, he attempted to pick you off the counter, but you protested.

„I can walk.“

He looked at you with raised eyebrows, „You think so?“

„Yes“, you huffed.

He was probably just priding himself, thinking he'd fucked you so good that your legs wouldn't work.

But you were reminded of your own pride, when you hopped off.

Your knees were nearly giving out the second your feet made contact with the floor, only Buckys arms prevented it.

„Oh jesus“, you felt like you were taking your very first steps in life.

„Told you.“, he grinned.

„Yea okay, you won. Fucked me so hard I can't even walk“, you rolled your eyes at him, „Can you just help m-“

Before you even finished your sentence, he had already picked you up, carrying you bridal style.

„Of course, Ma'am, always tryin' to be helpful“., he gave you a wink and a smug expression settled on his face as he carried you out of the kitchen, all the way down to your bedroom.

You kind of liked this charming side of him, your heart was always yearning for his expressive, flirty side, that you got to see so rarely. Even if it reminded you of the James you saw in your dreams. This was so much better.

When he came to a halt infront of your room, you swore you had seen a shadow under the door across from yours.

„Oh my god“, you squeeked.

„What? What?!“, Bucky asked, alerted by your sudden reaction.

„He heard us!“, you whisper-yelled.

He looked around, eyes wide, as he searched for what you were talking about, before he saw you staring at the other door in this hallway.

„Steve? You think he wouldn't come running at the sounds you make? If I didn't know better, I would think you were in danger, not gonna lie.“, he opened the door and your eyes went wide, when you realized, he was carrying you with only one arm for a moment, „I wouldn't worry about it.“

Even then, your nerves weren't really calmed, but there was nothing you cold do about it for now. Not with how tired you were starting to feel anyways.

He put you down on the bed, immediately rushing to the closet, to get you something more comfortable to wear.

„Can I just have your shirt?“

He blinked at you, „The one I'm wearing right now?“

You nodded and tried your best to convince him with your smile.

„Nice try“, he chuckled, „I'll need it, when I go back to clean up and cook you an actual meal.“

„Not really, but whatever.“, you let your shoulders slump.

„You want me to catch a cold?“

„You're a super soldier, first of all. There is a thermostat and also: you don't catch colds from being cold, Idiot. You have to get infected.“

„So smart“, he kissed you on the forehead, „You still don't get my shirt.“

He woke you up some time later, sitting on the bed next to you.

„Did you watch me sleep?“, you croaked.

„Of course“, he said quietly, grinning as you attempted to turn over to escape his eyes on you.

„I made stew, it's just done cooking. Do you want to eat, before going back to sleep?“

„Not really“, you tried to convince him, but he knew you were hungry. You had to be.

„Come on, just a few bites at least.“, he gently rubbed over your arm.

You sat up with a huff and let him spoonfeed you some of his stew.

„Tastes great“, you nodded and there was a spark of pride in his chest at your satisfied expression.

It had been the right decision, to let Steve show him the recipe, he was glad his friend had the patience to teach him, even though he was so bad at cooking.

„Thank you, for all this.“, you said softly, as he stood the empty bowl onto the nightstand.

„Kind of my fault that you didn't get to eat your steak in the first place.“

„How was it your fault?“, you squinted at him.

„Because I was craving something diffirent.“

You froze.

„Sorry“, he really didn't want to laugh, but it was so hilarious to him, how you went from thirsting over him back to a flustered girl, that was ashamed at the mention of sex.

„Did you eat?“, you asked after a while, eyes already drooping again, „Actual food, I mean.“

„I did“, he grinned.

„Okay, good. Are you...are you going to bed then?“, you asked with a distinct sadness in your voice, that tugged on his heart and pulled it down even further, so heavy with guilt.

„I'll stay here, until you're asleep. I don't want you to feel lonely.“

He remembered what you had told him, that it was hard to sleep by yourself. Even though he didn't know exactly why, but it wasn't important for now, he only wanted you to feel good tonight. He had to make sure you were fine- that he would be fine with this.

You nodded and made some space on the side he sat on.

As soon as he crawled into bed with you, propped up against the headboard with a few of your endless pillows in his back, he let you snuggle into him.

Your head was laying on his chest and one of your arms was draped over his stomach, subconsciously carressing him as you closed your eyes. His hand was resting on your head, slowly moving back and forth through your hair, while he waited for you to fall asleep.

He would've stayed, wanted to stay with you. Here in your embrace, with your warmth. Listening to your soft tiny snores.

It was hard to keep awake, when his body felt so safe with you, but he was reminding himself about the danger of falling asleep. Reminded him of what he had done to you and how much it hurt him to even think about it happening again.

He really wanted to believe, that there was a way for this to work out, to find a way his nightmares would never be a danger to you. This moment alone was already convincing him, to try anything, just for the possibility to stay with you.

You mumbled in your sleep, which let him snap out of his thoughts, before he could even get the chance, to loose himself in his anxiety again.

You said his name, sighing it so softly, so dearly, that he felt his heart jump.

He gently snuck out of your embrace and laid you down into the pillows, before he sat down on the floor, watched, how you were adjusting to the new position.

Stared at you even. How your chest was slowly rising and falling again after a while.

You were still here.

You were safe.

Even with him.

As long as he was himself... as long as he was awake.

If any of this had happened a few months ago, he would've fled from this fear- from this feeling.

But there was just no way he could let go of you again, not when you filled out all the free space in his heart that wasn't occupied by the pain of his past.

So even though he'd told you, that he would leave when you were asleep, he sat there for a while longer. Didn't care for his joints hurting from being in the same position the whole time, fought against his own sleep, as long as he could, before he got up.

He didn't want to think too far into the future, usually that would leave a stale taste in his mouth, the vision of having to face so many more years in his state.

But now? With you he found himself wondering, if there was more for him, if there might be yet another chance for his life to change. For him to change.

Because if there was something worth changing for, it was a life with you.